#that comment predates the term “non-binary”

[baeddel-txt]

The specifics of what she’s saying aren’t so much important as I just want to highlight the earliest instance I’ve found of someone calling a transmasc an “MRA” for speaking about how transphobia affects trans men and non-binary people.

[queer-history-archive]

Lesbian Flag Timeline

Labrys Flag (1999)

This flag was made by graphic designer Sean Campbell in 1999, published in 2000 in a Palm Springs edition of Gay and Lesbian Times. (citation needed)

The labrys axe was a symbol of feminist power because of its connection to the Amazons, a group of warrior women in Ancient Greece, while the inverted black triangle was a reference to the marking placed upon non-conforming women in Nazi Germany. The violet background is perhaps a reference to the flower. Bunches of violets had been sent between lesbians as a reference to Sappho, one of the earliest recorded wlw's.

This flag has been criticized for its co-option by TERF's (trans-exclusionary radical feminists), and for the fact that it was created by a man, not someone actually part of the community.

The earliest record of it being used online (that I could find) dates back to June 21st, 2012.

Gay Variation

This flag is perhaps the oldest, and thus I could not find a source. However, it has been used nearly as long as the standard gay flag, which came about in 1979.

The Track to the Modern Lesbian Flag

First, we have to start with the bear flag. This flag, created for bears (large and hairy gay men) was created by Craig Byrnes in 1995.

This flag in itself may not be relevant, but the copycats are.

This flag, dubbed the 'cougar pride flag' was created by Fausto Fernós in 2008, uploaded on April 15th. (A cougar is a predatory older woman.)

From this came the lipstick lesbian flag, posted by Natalie McCry on July 28th, 2010.

This flag was meant to represent femmes, since the labrys flag was used primarily by butches.

The flag is no longer used for multiple reasons. Firstly, because it only represents a part of the community, it would never have been a good figurehead. Secondly, because it copied the "cougar" flag and inadvertently labelled lesbians as predators. Finally, McCry posted several racist, transphobic, and biphobic comments. Most of them have been deleted since, but her top post remains, which uses biphobic rhetoric in the very first point.

The version without the kiss was also used. The earliest record I could find comes from a tumblr post by @trans-wife from December 8th, 2013. This flag was popularized around 2016.

People criticized this flag for being a copy, and for having no meaning behind the stripes.

In 2018, a series of polls were held on tumblr (@official-lesbian-flag-blog and @allukazaoldyeck) to find a new flag, and this one, designed by Emily Gwen, @sadlesbeandisaster, came through.

This flag was made on June 6th, 2018, with a five stripe version (seen below) made (the earliest record I could find came from July 5th, 2019) for ease of printing.

The seven original stripes represented:

Dark orange: Gender Non-conformity Light Orange: Community White: Unique relationships to womanhood (especially for non-binary and he/him lesbians) Light Pink: Serenity and Peace Light Purple: Femininity

Emily Gwen has received flack for some aphobic comments she made in the past, but she has thoroughly apologized for all of them. Because her design is in the public domain, she is not getting paid for any commercial production of the flag. If you would like to donate to her, her PayPal is here.

Sapphic Flag

A term derived from Sappho's name, Sapphic is a catch-all for any woman-adjacent person who is attracted to women-adjacent people. This flag, adorned with pink for love, white for relationships, and the violet as another callback to Sappho, was created by @lesbaux-moved on August 14, 2015.

This simplified version was posted by @pride-color-schemes for ease of recreation on June 25, 2017.

Post-Modern Flags

The sunset lesbian flag was not the only redesign to crop up. Here are a few that gained traction.

This flag was created by @apersnicketylemon on May 17th, 2018. Purple represents non-binary and trans lesbians (and once again a callback to the violets), pink represents femmes, grey represents aspec lesbians, and blue represents gender non-conformity and butchness.

This flag, dubbed the aurora flag after the aurora borealis, was created by @roseywlw on October 16th, 2020. The blue represents community/solidarity, the violet diversity in expression/experiences, the pink self-acceptance and pride, the yellow lesbian history, and the mint tolerance/inclusivity.

Butch Flags

There are two major butch flags.

This version was posted by a deactivated tumblr user and reposted by @pride-color-schemes on June 26, 2017.

This more popular version was posted by Mod Q of @butchspace on June 30, 2017.

The red represents passion/sexuality, the dark orange courage, the light orange joy, the white renewal, the beige chivalry, the gold warmth, and the brown honesty.

Posted: August 8th, 2022

[bangtide]

the truscum moron in the comments of cornucopia wants me to embarrass them so bad, but i'm not going to waste my time. i do want to speak briefly on some of what they brought up in my twitter askbox today, however, to make myself clear

you do not need dysphoria to be trans. trans-ness necessitating dysphoria is transphobic. being trans is not a burden or a disease and trans people are not required to hate their bodies or themselves in some kind of sadistic repentance of sinfulness to gain the approval of gender conformists and their society

boypussy is an irl term coined by queer men/transfemmes to describe themselves. the fanfic meaning is an expansion on these origins. it's perfectly apt to label trans porn with if those involved desire to

like all people, it is fine to sexualize trans people in fiction. lusting for a trans person's (or any person's) body is not a fetish. lust is not predation. trans people are not unfuckable monsters or sexless infants. we're as horny & hot as everyone else, internet or not

if you do have a fetish, there is nothing wrong with that. fetishes are not immoral actors. it's the individual that enacts misdeeds, not the imagination

the predominant existing counterpoints to what i describe here are the enemy of queer liberation. they're regurgitated christian puritanism w a rainbow sheen or a desperate attempt to assimilate into cis society to soothe burning internalized queerphobia.

finally, i want those who resonate with jimin as i wrote him in cornucopia to know: you are trans enough. you are queer enough. binary, dysphoric trans people are not more trans than you. your relationship with gender is more nuanced and intricate than ours will ever be. and i'm glad that you do not hold your body and its queerness in contempt. it deserves all the pleasure and desire it gets.

as for if you are uncomfortable with boypussy as it appears in fanfic, that's fine. it could easily be triggering for a myriad of reasons. you deserve trans fic you want to read. but boypussy is trans, and the people who write it are not hurting you or the trans community.

there are ways to discuss concern for why binary and/or dysphoric trans characters are written less often in pwp without demonizing an entire subset of genderqueer fiction. it's still a non-issue except at a personal scale, but i'm sympathetic to the adverse reaction. not anti-enby transphobic rhetoric, though, or self-importance.

[hopefulcovets-blog]

3, 5, 8?

THE BE HONEST MEME.  (accepting) || @visteairia

aka things you lowkey want to talk about but don’t because you don’t know how to bring it up. send me a number and i’ll tell you the honest truth. either a simple yes or no answer or a detailed response.

3. What current rp trend do you hate?

... full disclosure, I don’t know what counts as “ current. ” I don’t really keep up with trends ? What even ARE the current trends ... ? Okay, ya’ll, homework - reply to this with current trends going on and I’ll comment on them. My old person self REALLY needs to get out more into the dash, yeesh.

5. Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why?

I prefer interacting with well-rounded muses with nice muns. I personally don’t gravitate more towards guys, gals, or non-binary pals in terms of characters. Honestly, it’s more so about the character themselves.

8. Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

- a. The stigma and anxiety behind duplicates. It bothers me that some people have built up this idea that there can only be one and admired character ( I’ve seen these people ... ), and that anyone else who DARES tries to touch these characters are to be shunned and shamed. Also, the muns who WANT to pursue a character, but are nervous. I wish that the stigma was gone altogether and people could be comfortable and happy in every character, without the anxieties of fearing comparison, but ehhh.

- b. The idea that cliques are a bad thing. I’ve encountered a lot of role-players who get VERY defensive over role-players who have a specific group of or small number of people they role-play with. For example, let’s say Jenny the role-player is really good friends with Bobby and Sam, so she spends a lot of her time role-playing with them. This is completely within Jenny’s right, as this is her hobby and her friends. She owes no interactions if she doesn’t want to give them. People are entitled to their clique of friends. If a clique is like Regina George, then yeah, they’re up for a critical eye. But if the group is just having fun and minding their own business, then assholes who try to demean their group and pressure, antagonize, or downright shame them need to fuck off.

- c. The predators. This goes without saying. Just recently I was approached by a role-player who seemed nice in messages, but once I opened the door for discord all hell broke loose in terms of their truer intentions, by ignoring my comfort and my triggers then opting to emotionally manipulate once I confronted them. ( I won’t name this role-player here, but if you want to know who it is, ask me in IMs or ask box and I’ll answer you privately. ) The fact that predators like this exist in a community where the goal is to have fun and write is just disgusting. I’ve had bad experiences before, but my most recent one solidified the ever-present wariness and distrust. Be safe out there, guys. Sometimes a person in IMs isn’t always the person you’ll get in more direct forms of contact. And please, please, please, NEVER be afraid to stand up to someone and remove them from your contacts if they pressure you, make you uncomfortable, and put you in awful situations. Trust your gut.

[zenosanalytic]

Discovery: What’s Past is Prologue

That was GREAT! This is Long :| :| :|

Ok, so this episode managed to be both a mile-a-minute, actioned-packed THRILLAGANZA and a This-is-why-we-love-Trek Federation Lovefest, which is Quite A Feat owo

For any new Dear, Dear Readers thinking about venturing below the Cut: Over time I’ve found that writing conventional reviews for fan-media usually leads to me producing 10k word dissertations on them, so I do bullet-point reviews instead, sticking to core-reactions. This is STILL almost 3k words though, so, just be aware: when I say something is Long I ain’t kidding :| :| Also my reaction to stuff like Trek tends to be much more Ecstatic that my TSoW review, so expect... Informality o_o o__o o___o

Ok, so Discovery’s Landry was Fed!Landry afterall.

Looks like the Terrans have some sort of Holographic camouflage? Maybe it’s just something Stamets worked out on his own, tho, given how the Terran Empire works.

So Lorca got to the Fediverse the same way Kirk originally arrived in the Mirrorverse! I wonder if that means Fed!Lorca was transported to the Mirrorverse and died? Lorca’s ultimate Mirrorverse-fate was never explained so it’s difficult to say.

This ep’s mutiny/innership fight easily ranks up there with the best from DS9 and Voyager(the only two series with genuinely interesting/exciting examples). The battle over this city-sized planet-killing spacewarpalace is well-paced, tense, and both tactically and emotionally satisfying ouo

It also makes good use of the Terrans. We get to see some examples of their more aggression-oriented tech(like interior defense turrets and the like), examples of how powerful individuals hoard tech to themselves ala Mirror!Kirk’s Tantalus Field(Georgiou’s secret emergency transport, her bracelet, and the Stamets-designed fungal-tech integrated into the ship. Though I kept hoping she’d deploy that murderdisk from last ep again; no joy :T), and some examples of major philosophies within their society(a warrior-ethic in Georgiou’s appreciation for Burnham’s plan and fighting-ability, and her willingness to die fighting to buy Burnham time and display the ideals of her social station near the end, and Lorca’s “Man of Destiny” nonsense throughout).

“...he preyed on my Sentiment, my Weakness for your Face; It will NOT happen again.” Mirror!Georgiou is just so deliciously campy uwu uwu I like how the showrunners chose to make melodrama one of the distinguishing characteristics of the Mirrorverse :> :> :>

...Was that a The Fountain pan when Stamets walked into the Mycelial garden? It LOOKED like a The Fountain pan.

Saru is such a good captain u_u

“...The Terrans are egotistical enough to believe they can replenish this resource before it collapses.” HMMMMM WHERE COULD THESE MIRRORVERSIAN HUMANS POSSIBLY HAVE GOTTEN THAT TRAIT FROM???? Tho, as far as they go, this is probably one of the subtler Global Warming/Carbon Economy analogies to ever pop up in SFF media.

“Make the Empire Glorious Again!” We all, of course, See What You Did There :| :| Though again: much less hamfisted that the usual “Make America Great Again” references media’s filled up with over the last year.

Anyone else notice the gigantic gold frieze of Georgiou over the Imperial Throne??

Saru: “I will Not Consider leaving you Behind.” SARU IS SUCH A GOOD CAPTAIN }:| }:|

It’s a small thing, but Lorca’s continued and varied use of psychology as a weapon and tool of manipulation, something which goes back to the beginning of the series and his use of that distress signal to “motivate” Discovery’s crew, continues to impress me with the showrunners concern for consistent characterization, and their understanding of how complex characters and stories can be built from reiterating simple concepts and character notes in different situations.

Destiny’s not a thing, of course, it’s a fallacy of ego to believe that 1)occurrences involving you are about you and 2)that, because they involve you, they were meant to happen and play out as they did. Fundamentally, it’s self-narration; a recontextualization that, simultaneously, places oneself as the author of one’s life(since you are deciding what it means) and apotheosizes one’s life(and thus oneself) by declaring that narrative the product of divine will. That Lorca’s primary dislike for Stamets seems to arise not from his betrayal but from his rationalist rejection of Fatalism tells you a lot about his narcissism, and how central it is to his worldview.

There’s an interesting metacommentary about how “grittiness” is treated as serious, masculine, and realistic while optimism is treated as frivolous, feminine, and fantastical begged by Lorca’s conversation with Burnham here, and his assertions that the Mirrorverse is “the real world” and the Fed a “failed social experiment”. It’s also a good reminder of his nature as a scientist, and says much of how he thinks and justifies his behavior, that he would choose scientific metaphor for denying the reality of the Fediverse(though obvsl he’d need SOME way to do it to keep himself motivated to return, given that he’s way too egotistical, and too chauvinistically Terran, to just accept that both are equally real).

It also reveals that he REALLY doesn’t understand Burnham at all. She’s a culturally Vulcan Human, for Pete’s Sake; how deluded do you have to be to think that this sort of essentialist argument about biological “Superiority” and sociogenetic Eugenical(“Social Darwinism” in common parlance but, given this thinking predated Darwin and his theory, and other things, I don’t like the term) rhapsodizing would appeal to her, when her whole existence disproves it?

“...that’s why we have duty to lead”? That seems like a bit of a non-sequitur, but I couldn’t get captions to work on this ep so I can’t say for sure that this is what he said. If it is, that’s a really twisted conception of “Duty”, to cast it as the driving concept behind species-segregation and Eugenic Hierarchy. Also, he really doesn’t understand why she did what she did at the battle of the binary stars, or what that fight was about. He seems to think 1)she caused the fight, and 2)it was a conflict about preserving Federation “cultural purity” from some kind of Klingon “corruption”.

Lorca’s comment about Burnham’s “gifts”… taken in hand with the last ep’s “someone better came along, you know how it is” comment, suggest Lorca is incapable of conceiving of people in non-instrumental terms, especially in a romantic context.

Burnham’s explication of the existentialism and affirmation at the heart of the Federation is Pure and Good u_u

Stamets: “We’ll have to use all our Spores. We won’t be able to jump back home” Ensign Rhys: “We’ll need to be close to make that shot |:T” The Federation! ^u^

Ensign Detmer: “I don’t think we can avoid the blast”, Cadet Tilly: “our shields can’t repel the blast and we’ll all die” Saru: shakes head and clicks: *Inspiring Motherfucking Shakespearean Goddamn Speech*[1] THE FEDERATION! THE FEDERAAATION!!!! PEOPLE LOOK IT IS THE FEH-EH-EHDERAH-AH-AH-TIONNN!!!!!!!! :’D :’‘D :’‘‘D

But Seriously, THIS is probably one of, if not The, best Star Trek Captain’s speech ever.

The speech, the action, the at-turns practical, sappy, and optimistic Fed dialogue, the explication of Federation ideals in the face of true danger, challenge, and Doubt: THIS ep is just such a summation of everything that makes people Love Star Trek.

That their writing staff is aware enough to give Burnham the line, “But know this: I’m offering you my Mind; nothing more.” when making her faux-offer to sacrifice herself for her crew is one of the many reason I love this series uwu uwu

As always, Science and Tilly saves the days! I like how simple the solution is, though it’d have been more believably Physicist of Stamets to say not “but not just an explosion” but rather, “but an explosion is a Shockwave!” Also: Trek ships do Quite a Bit of cosmic surfing, don’t they? This sort of thing’s been the solution to dire situations rather frequently o.o

The warp bubble technobabble is equally simple(as opposed to TNG’s frequent reliance on nonsensical verbiage), but I don’t like the solution they went with. A Warp Bubble Warps space. The Mycelial shockwave produces an energetic wave(an explosion) in space, but it also ripples through levels of subspace(including the mycelial network). So theoretically, the Warp Bubble could be attuned in such a way as to interact with these subspace waves in a fashion which would allow Discovery to “ride” them into and through the Network. That’s how I’d have written it, at least.

I’d also like to reiterate, yet again, how well Discovery has integrated respect for Tilly, a mere Cadet, into the Federation ethos. They’ve handled this way better than TNG did with Wesley.

Lorca: “I truly admire you all. You proved such Excellent Clay for my genius leadership” Like I said “Instrumental” >:T Such good, consistent characterization!

Also: Lorca: *Melodramatic Villain Speech* Saru: “Whatever, Napoleon, show me my crewman!” SUCH A GOOD CAPTAIN.

Also Also: Federation pragmatic optimism vs the gothic egotism of Terra

Saru yelling “FIRE!” was SOOOOOO Satisfying owo

Shit Fuck-Uping Commences

Trek-talk will inevitably focus on things other than combat because, philosophically, that’s not really what the show’s about or what draws most fans to it(see above), but Discovery really does have, hands down, the Best fight choreography I’ve ever seen in a Trek series, and most of the movies too. It probably helps that they have Actresses and Actors, like Michelle Yeoh and Jason Issacs, with substantive experience in stage-fighting, but everyone’s performance in these melees is just so excellent, and the flow of them is so fluid and sure, that it HAS to be their fight crew. Also: have I ever seen a mace and its use portrayed with reasonable accuracy in a screen fight before? No; but here’s Burnham, just absolutely TRASHING people with that scepter like a Goddamn Boss :> :> :>

Though there’s an obvs level of unreality to this: you clock someone anywhere around the head, neck, or shoulders with a steel mace and they ain’t keeping fighting you. They’re going Down; they’re DONE

Georgiou’s fighting here is just so brutal and clean. The way she just turns around and slashes that guy’s throat. Her meaty-stabs to that other guy’s gut. Her throw into Lorca’s shoulder. Her KICKING HER OWN KNIFE OUT OF THE AIR WHEN LORCA THROWS IT BACK!!! Magnificent u_u Beautiful u_u u_u Majestic u_u u_u u_u

Lorca Egotism Watch: Unceremoniously Cuts down Landry for having the gall to fight Burnham. Yup |:T |:T She just can’t catch a break, but that’s what you get for loyalty to a person who only sees other people as means to an end.

One particular thing I like about the choreography is how they allow Yeoh to use her smaller size and stabler center of gravity to her advantage. Having her roll, dodge, duck under Lorca’s slashes, use throws and grab, attack Lorca’s feet; such excellent choices, especially given industry standard which is to ignore physical differences and have everyone fight like they’re a 6ft+ muscular man.

The mutual face-punch was a nice injection of comedy into this fight sequence(always a good idea, I think, to give the audience a bit of release from tension). Looks like Lorca gets in one of the trophic Star Trek double-fist hammer strikes in at the end. An utterly useless attack irl, but it’s Star Trek and the Forms must be Honored u_u

Lorca: “Don’t make me have to kill you!” Burnham: “You Won’t.” Bad. ASS. Badass. It is a natural byproduct of Vulcan Logic that their dialogue be the Tightest Shit at all times u_u u_u

Burnham’s fight with Lorca is Astounding, but I don’t know enough about fight choreography to really talk about it. Wow it’s cool to watch, though.

“We would have helped you get home, if you had asked” THE FEDERATION!!!!!!!! And more than that; hell, without the war, they’d have probably helped you kick the crap out of the Terran Empire.

Georgiou running Lorca through was Extreme Satisfying owo owo

Looks like my theory of TylerVoq undermining Lorca’s plans is nixed. I’m not upset though, as there’s something satisfying in allowing plots to be separate, rather than tying them all together in one big resolution.

Burnham running out of cover to telesnatch Mirror!Georgiou out of the fight as she energizes THE FEDERATION! THE FEDERATI- Ok, you know my reaction to this stuf. THE IDEALS! THE IDEALS!! This raw concentration of Ideals and Sentiment will Physically Killing me isttg u_u u_u u_u

They tied the science part of the escape to the action of the shipboard fight so seamlessly, and continue the tension of those scenes into the escape so excellently! 

Another Little Thing that’s actually a Big Thing which I’m only now just noticing, probably because Oladejo(Ensign Owosekun) gets so much more screentime in this ep, is how good a job Discovery does at lighting and filming non-white skin and particularly dark skin, even when not a main character. I’m thinking of it particular in comparison to Agents of SHIELD which is absolutely atrocious on this point. At no point, even when they are in a dark area, or in red light, do Martin or Oladejo or any of the Black cast look washed out or obscured, as Henry Simmons almost always does as Mac even in some well-lit scenes. Just really excellent.

I REALLY HOPE that “Thanks Hugh” and aria isn’t the last of Culber. I continue to wish they’ll rez him, somehow. That was an objectively Romantic scene, though u_u

The ending revelation that they’re 9 months in the future and the Klingons have won the war is certainly surprising, but none of that’s official Fed history, so I’m pretty confident we’ll be seeing some time travel in the final eps. I’m a bit trepidation as to what Mirror!Discovery’s been up to since they’ve been gone <:[

[1]My Fast&Furious rendition of said speech: “Look I’m a coward from a species of cowards and I’m gonna tell you right now: I Ain’t Afraid. I might not know shit about shit, but I know this: you guys are Ride or Die. You’re the Best Motherfucking Crew of Motherfuckers a Motherfucker could ever Fuck Beside, and that’s For Real. That’s from the Heart. Lorca’s a POS, and he used the Power of our Shining Youthful Hearts to do some messed up bs, but we’re Family Y’all and this Ship: she’s OUR big metal space mama -Not his!- and today we’re gonna fly her like we just popped straight out her glowy anti-matter womb with a brace of .45s, a pack of Seagrams, and a surly temper. We got Shit to get Done, and we just ain’t goin down to his Triflin’-Ass Nonsense! So let’s fuck shit up! You have your Orders u_u”

[dyemelikeasunset]

Hey dye, sorry in advance but I figured since you've made characters with other people you might be the best to ask for advice about this but, I have this friend who I made characters with and is also my gm and he's turned really toxic over the last few years but he is like he also has prevented me from taking my ocs and putting them on the internet because "They're not just mine, and they're a part of a thing we made" like, he used to be really nice, and would make lgbt ocs for (p1)

Lgbt ocs for my characters (if they’re lgbt since I dont make straight ocs) to romance and stuff… but like, he gets really really angry when I can’t like, rp straight sex? I’m a lesbian with like a history of sexual assault from men and women and physical assault from a man when I was 5 and he used to be understanding and now he says that it’s not fair to him when he wants straight rps and stuff that divulge into sex when I become like super uncomfortuable. Especially since he insists (p2)

I play female characters only. And like gets mad when I make trans characters, and like it’s getting super hard to get motivation to make characters for anything even if it’s just by myself because I keep hearing his reactions in my head. He also makes me feel like shit for being gay and brings up an argument from almost 2 years ago when I “offended his penis” (I just mentioned my literal phobia) and has made comments saying that “I probably would of been bi” and how he would of had a chance p3

What I’m about to tell you is really heavy, but please don’t panic. I’m not asking you to do anything immediately, I mainly want you to be aware of what kind of situation you’re in.

A lot of people won’t take “nerdy” online activities seriously, but there are predators out there who use role-playing and fiction as a way to control others. If you imagine yourself in place of your characters– being isolated and kept private, having your self-expression controlled, being sexually compromised or coerced– all of these would equate to real-life abuse. As creators, we put a lot of ourselves and our emotions into our characters, this isn’t something to take lightly. For all intents and purposes, he is abusing you and he sounds utterly disgusting.

Some other red flags I want you to think about:

is he’s older than you? or did he start talking to you when you were still under 18 (whether or not he actively knew your age)?

does he write characters that exhibit toxic tropes? Like aggressive men who constantly require the emotional labor of your female or non-binary characters?

are his requests for sexual rps becoming more common or more insistent?

does he take peer critique poorly? especially if it’s feedback that you think would be healthy and benefit the relationship between the two of you?

does he talk badly about your other rp friends behind their backs with you? does he keep a lot of secrets with you, often making it seem like an “exclusive” relationship between you two?

Even if he doesn’t do the things I listed above, just the simple fact he’s acting like a victim over your sexuality is warning enough.

Again, I’m not asking you to do anything immediately. Jumping out of this relationship may put you at risk. Instead, try these steps:

talk to other friends first. Ideally, talk to people who also know him, and start expanding your support network. Find like-minded people who know how weird or bad he is to rp with, or understand and empathize with you. This will help you not only with venting, it will help remind you you’re not wrong

I know it’s hard and you feel discouraged, but start making new characters unrelated to him. post about them publicly from the get-go so they are out in the world for you to have fun with on your own terms (if you need to, I can even help you with this personally)

try to roleplay with other people more often. If he’s your primary rp partner, it will only heighten the toxicity of your situation. Spread your wings and reconnect with others, find your individual voice again

slowly try to ween him off of you. This step may include things like blocking him on websites, messengers, or even changing accounts if you feel he’s becoming too dangerous. Be careful of stalking and angry behavior, take this step very cautiously

If needed, put the characters you shared with him away for a couple years. Your negative experiences with him may make them feel “dirty” for a while, even if that’s not true. But it can help your mental health immensely to retire them for a bit and focus on your other creative outlets. A lot of the characters I write even today are ones that have been through really bad rps with past abusers, don’t lose hope

Again, I am not trying to scare you, but i want you to realize you are in a dangerous situation with a dangerous person. He has obvious vested interests in you romantically and sexually, and cares more about a fucking body part than your emotional well-being. Take this slowly because it won’t be easy, but please please start getting away from him.

If you need anything from me, please don’t hesitate. I’m here for you

[nicemango-feed]

On Aziz Ansari: Let's Set the bar Higher than 'Not Rape'

I've had a hard time getting myself to sit down and write about this. I've procrastinated for days, always finding something else to do, other than think about this blogpost....or the Twitterhate writing about this subject could bring, from the antis and 'Rational Centrists' - who are usually...you know... *totally*  believably moderate and Center in their politics.  It's sad that we live in a world where being a feminist or simply a woman speaking up about sexual harassment/abuse/coercion/inappropriateness is a controversial position on the internet.  Many tend to be more concerned about the careers of the accused being DESTROYED than what the victim might have gone through, and how their lives might have been affected. And, all this in a world where a self professed sexual predator was elected to lead one of the most powerful countries in the world. 

His career seems fine, so far. 

***

There are so many thoughts buzzing around in my head...things that I’m recalling, that I’d rather not. I'm reluctantly combing through my relevant memories, because these #MeToo stories cause them all to surface. Those experiences in uni, on a packed bus, at work...with a boss creepily running his finger down my neck, bare shoulder and along my ear... (was it my fault for wearing an off shoulder top?) are all coming back to me. Another experience comes to mind, one with a doctor responsible for putting me under before a surgery - who leaned in and called me 'sexy'...as I lay there on the operating table about to be knocked out cold.  I clench my jaw just thinking about it. There are so many ways that behaviour can be sexually inappropriate, a whole spectrum exists. It's not always as black and white as rape vs. not rape, attack vs. no attack...it doesn't actually have to be an 'attack' to violate someone. And some very important, oft-neglected conversations lie in those grey areas.  The thing that bothers me most about the discussion revolving around #MeToo, other than those trying to discredit the whole movement as some sort of hysterical, puritanical sex panic/witch hunt, is the binary thinking - That either this movement is perfection, impossibly unflawed....or that it is unfair and worth delegitimizing entirely... 'angry women' apparently now hold a lot of 'power' over some potentially innocent men that will get caught up in this. Will somebody please think of the accused men?!!

Sigh. If I were Aziz, I'd honestly cringe at the kinds of things being written in my defense.

(Click to enlarge) Interestingly. the writer of the above piece defending Aziz is also the author of this gem. "Having so many choices, Caitlin Flanagan maintains, has torn women away from what many of them want most: to raise a family and run a household. "  I bet this is on Peterson's reading list.

The attempts to discredit a general conversation about sexual behaviour that crosses the line, takes me back to my experiences with conservative opinions in Saudi and Pakistan.  While of course not at all comparable in the power they wield over dissenters or the degree of blatant misogyny...the underlying distaste for women having these conversations, reminds me of what I've seen in the other countries I've lived in. There are definitely some common themes, harder to ignore in these Trumpian times, as the better packaging comes undone.   However, despite some fierce criticisms, a very important discussion has opened up. And I for one am pleased to see the walls of silence come crumbling down, inspiring women around the globe, including in my motherland, Pakistan. As difficult as these conversations are, they need to be had. Finally…finally, women are being heard on this. Finally the grey areas are up for discussion...

There's this ridiculous idea that if it’s not a Harvey Weinstein level of abuse then it’s basically not worth criticizing. 

Firstly, I haven't seen anyone equate Aziz to Weinstein, and secondly why the fuck isn't something less than that worth talking about? The complaint isn't that it just wasn't romantic enough ffs. 

I'd even say the behaviours and incidents that are not on the worse end of the spectrum are probably personally relevant to more people.

It might be hard to come to terms with for some  -- especially those who are now having to question their own past actions -- but lets face it, sexual mores change, evolve and have *always* done so. 

This isn't some new thing sprung upon us by the 'spoiled, shrill, unreasonable, sjw' feminists of this decade. 

Once upon a time in popular media, Pepe le Pew's courting tactics were considered acceptable for children to view, hilarious even. 

Now, we know better. 

*** 

Many things can simultaneously be true in regard to this story & #MeToo, this is what most of the pushback doesn't get:

1) Of course it is in no way comparable to Weinstein, and 'Grace' from the story isn't saying that it is. 

2) It still paints a concerning picture.

3) The Babe article was done irresponsibly, it's focus on irrelevant minute details like the wine, etc. were damaging to the story.

4) It still started an important conversation.

5) Just because it isn't rape or about workplace harassment, doesn't mean it can't be included in #MeToo.

6) Criticizing people who are less than serial rapists doesn't mean it's a witchhunt. 

7) Yes there are bad takes happening in #MeToo, some blanketly throwing men under the bus. That is unavoidable in a conversation where literally anyone and everyone is chiming in. We should call those out too.

8) Some bad takes do not discredit all of #MeToo.

***

There are already many people like Christina Sommers, who will defend Milo at his worst, 

Now deleted whataboutery deflecting from criticism of milo making comments about real ppl, actual consent. Not a play. 

But are waiting to jump at the slightest chance to discredit this entire movement, 

Not well reported but definitely not 'baseless', even he did not deny any of it. 

The skeptosphere in particular has been painfully swamped with praise for the ‘brave women’ who speak out against #MeToo (because of course),

Not to mention this very article laid out that the 'brave woman' being praised also defended Roman Polanski. Then I was also linked to this, and it seemed he engaged and didn't deny defending someone who was jailed for paying underage sex workers. :(

There are takes involving the revolting hashtag #MeNeither (yes that's really a hashtag dedicated to people who haven't been sexually abused talking about flaunting how they haven't in the faces of those who have), that frankly strike me as reminiscent of women who insist that because *they* had a choice around the hijab and niqab, that those things are not oppressive. We have plenty such women in Pakistan and Saudi, so many of these systems would not have thrived so long without the help of women who have a case of internalized sexism. Their western counterparts are now more openly flaunting their positions, in this absurd Petersonian era of the Skeptosphere. I mean #TradLife is a meme that exists now and isn't laughed out of existence. 

Yes yes unbunch your undies, I repeat, I know Saudi Arabia is worse and much more oppressive, and that women in Pakistan have a way tougher battle for rights ahead of them than western women do. I’ve heard that dismissing tactic enough times. 

There can exist similarities with differing degrees of intensity. 

But just imagine #MeNeither being used to oppose a hashtag where women were speaking up about religiously motivated abuse and mutilation like FGM. These same #MeNeither skeptics would see it for the disgusting minimization that it is. 

Aside from all this, there are also the deeply disappointing 'maybe Sandusky [convicted serial child rapist] is innocent' takes by Jerry Coyne and in Skeptic magazine. Jerry also expressed sympathy for poor Milo after his whole pedophilia scandal. 

Before I am accused of taking it 'out of context' let me just say here's a link to the whole piece read it and cringe for yourself. 

The great Skeptic magazine also wrote a glowing review of Milo's book after this whole scandal. 

There are endless examples of concerning attitudes on this subject among 'skeptics' (see Amos Yee & the number of people that stepped up to defend or minimize Sargon tweeting 'I wouldn't even rape you', those that applauded it at an atheist/skeptic conference) ...but that's a separate blogpost in itself. 

Back to this story now;

This story hurt. 

Aziz Ansari cuts deep, he’s a successful brown Muslim comedian…such success in hollywood is rare for brown people. I have been rooting for him from the start. I grew up longing to see faces like mine on TV...and now...there he was. Oh Aziz 

:(

He’s a non traditional secular guy too who makes shows about his complicated relationship with his parents religious expectations, about the first time he snuck off with his cousin to have some pork. 

There is so much that deeply and personally resonates with me. He's repping secular people of muslim background in a not anti-muslim way...which is just so rare and so important. It really hurts to see him criticized like this, and it hurts to read about how he conducted himself.

I don't criticize him lightly or easily, but even I can see that some criticism is warranted. 

It also hurts because conservative muslims have already long attacked him with garbage takes like ‘hollywood only accepts secular muslims’ 

Really now. Hollywood only accepts secular Muslims? 

 ....And now they're using this story to say that it was his secularism or westernization that are to blame. Which is such rubbish - as if traditional muslim men who have clung to their religiosity and culture do not mistreat women..as if men directly from the old country do not mistreat women. 

I am so sick of people injecting their terrible agendas into #MeToo…be it anti-feminist, anti-western, anti-left, anti-porn, anti-casual sex....This isn't about any of those things...It's about sexual abuse and misconduct in whatever forms it may occur. 

This isn't hard.

On the flip side of anti-secular I've also seen pathetic anti-Muslim takes. 

Right, I suppose it was Cosby, Weinstein, Louis CK, Spacey & James Franco's Muslim upbringing that caused them to behave this way...I mean, obviously there are some religious hypocrites, sexually repressed who act out this way. But Aziz's story clearly isn't to do with his being of Muslim background. I forget which hadith says, 'demand a blowjob in the first 10 mins of a date'. 

I’ve also seen embarrassing ex-muslim takes, bringing Mohammed, (the prophet) into this whole thing? I mean why… this conversation is about people that...at the very least, have recently existed? 

Are we going to bring Henry VIII into it too? This is such foolishness, and such a stretch to find a way to drag Islam into it. Why do they insist on making Islam criticism so cringeworthy? Islam certainly has some terrible beliefs surrounding treatment of women, most Abrahamic religions do. But when you're grasping at straws like this and inserting mohammed into conversations like #MeToo , it just makes your criticism appear silly.  

A better way would be to call out people who use religion/Islam to justify things like child marriage or sexual abuse today.. that would be relevant… unlike dragging Mo in all the way from 7th century Arabia. 

As for the anti left takes... OH MAH GAWD THE HYSTERICAL LEFT IS ON A WITCHHUNT AGAIN *eyeroll*....Yes absolutely there are some extreme takes on the left that make me cringe. Just the other day I saw one with like 25K retweets saying that men should act like their name could be on a list. I don’t think that preemptively instilling fear in innocent people is the right lesson to take from this at all. 

Then there was someone I encountered who claimed that STEM was immoral because Krauss tweeted that disappointing article. I mean, come on...what a ridiculous conclusion. 

I’m happy to call those views out without dismissing the whole of #MeToo. 

What I’m tired of seeing (particularly in the skeptosphere) are people who’ve not uttered a peep in support of women speaking out against predators but as soon as they get the opportunity to tweet an article questioning #MeToo, they’ll be all over that. 

(click to enlarge) An screenshot from an actual article Michael Shermer tweeted out about #MeToo - apparently the voices of women who have had enjoyable sexual experiences are missing from #MeToo...well no shit. 

***

Aziz’s case was a good way to see who’s just looking to delegitimize this entire conversation and who's willing to acknowledge the flaws in the Babe article... while also saying, "this is something we need to discuss, as we are currently redefining and renegotiating the boundaries of appropriate sexual behaviour. That is literally the point of this. Remember, at one time marital rape was not acknowledged...these boundaries continue to shift as culture shifts - and to be clear, I'm not saying this case was rape.

What makes Aziz’s case especially worthy of criticism is the context that he literally wrote a book on the nuances of modern dating,

"In Modern Romance, Ansari combines his irreverent humor with cutting-edge social science to give us an unforgettable tour of our new romantic world." 

And let's remember that some of these cases have only surfaced because the women involved saw these men shamelessly flaunting a #TimesUp pin after having treated them in this way.

Aziz has often used feminism in his comedy, has talked about being a feminist and encouraged people to use the word. It's perfectly fair to call him on his unfeminist behaviour.

Some of what was detailed in that ‘Babe’ piece was pretty horrifying, I can't even believe this is up for debate or being characterized as her wanting him to be a 'mindreader'. 

She physically removed her hand from his dick 5-7 times….she said she pulled away... went limp and stopped moving her mouth, she told him she didn’t want to feel forced…when he asked about sex she said 'next time'...

What about this is confusing or unclear? What part requires mindreading? What has made people behave so viciously towards Grace...the fact that it wasn't rape? Come on...is that where we are as a society? Our bar should be set well above 'not rape'. 

He's a celebrity she has admired, it could easily have been intimidating for her when he started undressing her so immediately. She understandably needed a moment to process wtf was happening. She gave him enough cues to stop and he didn't...until she stood up and said no yet again. Even after all that he tried to kiss her again, reached to try and unbutton her pants again. Can a woman not expect to sit at a first-time date's house without getting felt up and kissed constantly? 

He doesn’t seem to have denied any of the things she’s listed, just that it was interpreted differently by him. And he might be right, he may not have even noticed doing anything wrong...Which is what’s appalling, this is the conversation that hasn’t happened properly.  Now is the time people are going to speak up about boundaries in the bedroom. 

Some responses to this were so cruel, so vicious...it was hard to even look. 

  The victim blaming in relation to this case is just everywhere…the articles I’ve seen are unbelievable. How are we *still* having these discussions. Some of it perhaps, can be explained by a generational difference in perception. There's this idea that younger feminists are not tough enough, spoiled even. Feminists back in the day were fighting the 'real' fight, this is just shallow frivolous stuff now. 

I mean of course there are some ridiculous fringe views in feminism too, but these are exaggerated to try and discredit the whole of it. 

Being taken seriously when demanding progress has been a struggle for each generation. 

Sarcasm Font:

Worry not, silly Regressives...everything is *great* now, feminism has achieved it's goals and therefore has become unnecessary - Because things are not *as* bad as they once were, because women are now seen as 'equal under the law'.... there's no problem. Kind of like how racism is over too. Especially post-Obama, there has been no racism in the US ever again. You know where they need feminism? In those other countries, those people over there don't know how to treat women. Us in the glorious West thankfully have it all worked out. 

***

In seriousness though, one of the best responses I've seen to an accusation (not a perfectly comparable situation but one that is also 'not rape') is from Dan Harmon of the show Community who recorded a heartfelt apology on his podcast. 

Here’s a weird one for you: Last week, I called out my former boss @danharmon for sexual harassment, and today I’m going to ask you to listen to his podcast. https://t.co/BEZAWH787V

— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) January 11, 2018

Now Grace’s critics might also look at this situation and see something that required no apology, but in my opinion his words did a lot of good. It set a great example for something like this to be done again. 

Megan Ganz was a writer on the show that he had feelings for which soon became incredibly uncomfortable for her. Here are some quotes from his recorded apology below, which I think are especially significant in this climate. Too many people still insist that anything less than rape or Harvey Weinstein isn't worth discussing.

He made sure to tell his audience that attacking her or revictimizing her would do him no favours. 

He used language like “Attracted to a writer I had power over” 

“Ran the risk of undercutting her faith in her talent”

"I did the cowardly easiest laziest thing you could do with feelings like that, not dealing with them..and in not dealing with them I made everybody else deal with them. I made her deal with them. I was flirty, creepy, everything other than being overt enough to constitute betraying your live in girlfriend to whom you’re going home to every night."

He acknowledges, that he stopped short of doing anything obvious enough to constitute open betrayal and it was still a problem. And how everyone else, especially her…had to deal with that because he wouldn’t.

"….telling myself and anybody that threatened to confront me with it, that if you thought what I was doing was creepy or flirty or unprofessional, its because you were the sexist…”

Sounds familiar re: how the skeptosphere treats racism/sexism, It’s you who is the real sexist if you think women are victims. It’s you who is the real racist if you complain about racism. 

(Interestingly it’s also like the twisted logic you hear a lot ex hijabis mention, how they once justified the modesty garment to themselves; "Women who don't wear hijabs are slaves to society/the patriarchy, who mould themselves according to the will of men." "Hijabs are liberating, feminist…a means of freeing yourself from the male gaze, from scrutiny over appearance, etc, if you don't wear one you are actually the oppressed one"… but no one really buys that kind of thinking deep down inside.. do they?)

Back to Dan Harmon though, note the subtlety he captures here:

"Its not as if this person didn’t repeatedly communicate to me the idea that what I was doing was divesting her of a recourse to integrity.. I just didn’t hear it. It didn’t profit me to hear it."

Aziz Ansari could benefit from thinking along these lines. What he did may have been within the bounds of legality…but it was most certainly not ok. As someone who is a celebrity you’ve got to be aware of the sway you have over others. He must have sensed some of her signals of not being on board...I mean she literally said at one point, "I don't want to feel forced" but it didn’t benefit him to really pick up on them and adjust his behaviour accordingly. 

This line in particular struck me:

“I want it to sound relatively unremarkable to you because that’s the danger” - its really wonderful to hear someone acknowledge this...a man-person, even.  There are so many of these 'unremarkable' experiences happening in bedrooms, at workplaces that cross the lines...we need to start talking about those, and how we've normalized this kind of thing. 

"I wanted to teach her a lesson, if she didn’t like being liked in that way”

Good on him, for acknowledging he felt that way.

"I crushed on her and resented her for not reciprocating it, and the entire time I was the one writing her paycheques ….treated her cruelly. Things I would have never done if she was male."

"I lied to myself the entire time about it, I lost my job, I ruined my show and I damaged her internal compass…and I moved on."  [emphasis mine]

I imagine this is an effect Aziz might have had on Grace as well, and it would be good of him to acknowledge it in the storm that is being unleashed on her. Her internal compass must be all over the place right now... second guessing herself for creating this cyclone of hate.

Yes we know Aziz isn't a monstrous rapist, but still this account does not paint him in a good light. It would be incredible to hear something like Dan Harmon's apology coming from him...something heartfelt, with no excuses. Something that calls out the articles and people hating on her. But that's usually not how things are handled in these situations, so I won't hold my breath. Harmon said he went against legal advice to talk about this openly. 

Anyway, those are my meandering, rambly thoughts on the matter. Thanks for sticking around to read them. 

I hope that we can soon stop shaming Grace, and have more productive conversations around sexual misconduct that is 'not rape'. I hope we can hold people to a higher standard in the bedroom than just 'but it wasn't illegal'. I hope that the terrible op-eds saying spare Aziz from criticism because he is brown-skinned will stop. 

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