#that being the best day of jacks' life has me SOBBING. GOD GIVE THEM BACK. GOVE HER HER MEMORIES BACK AND GET HER AWAY FROM APOLLO

[officialleehi]

im reading acftl and crying

[wannab-urs]

The Spreadsheet Digest | Vol 29

Howdy folks!

This is the final Spreadsheet Digest of 2023! I started the spreadsheet back in May as a way for me to keep up with everything I read. Basically, I was having trouble finding fics I had read so I could reread them or I was getting two chapters into a new series before realizing I'd already read it. So I did what I do and I made a spreadsheet about it. Then I felt like other people might benefit from a searchable list of fics. Then, and I don't know why, I thought people might want to know what I thought about the stuff I was reading. And here we are - 29 volumes and 34 weeks later.

Sorry for long intro! This week I have 16 fics for you (Frankie, Joel, Max Phillips, Javi P, Ezra, Dieter, Dave York, and Jack/Whiskey). Summaries and Tags provided by the author where applicable - sometimes I filled in some stuff.

You can find my masterlist here and all my fic recs here

Recs under the Pedro!

My Way - Frankie one shot by @goodwithcheese

Summary: Frankie's working on his truck... you interrupt him Tags: PIV Sex, Frankie uses his words, aka "you know he talks you through it," frankie is bossy Thoughts: if he uhhh "uses his words" this much in the series this is technically set in, I do believe I'll be reading that. This was HOT. Like absurdly hot. Lemme be you car girl, Frankie

Cocoon - Joel series by @secretelephanttattoo

Summary: A short ode to Joel's coat. / a bath with Joel Tags: Angst and intimacy. 1 reference to blood and allusion to canon typical violence (nothing is described) Thoughts: God i love little intimate moments like this... wrapping yourself up in Joel's coat, washing the bad day out of his curls... I am SICK! Someone let me hold this man, please.

I'll Leave a Light On For You - Max Phillips one shot by @oonajaeadira

Summary: Max has reservations when it comes to love, and for very good reasons. Tags: Angst. Character death. Allusions to the atrocities of war and its lasting effects. Max is a vampire. Traumatic soul memory. Me assuming I know anything about French culture of the 1930s. Thoughts: This is beautiful. Just absolutely stunning. I have a fascination with the concept of past lives, and I adore the way it's written about it here. There are some really interesting takes on it here with Max being a vampire. Also, side note, this fic made me cry. It's that soft angst that you don't expect to make you sob, but holy shit. When it hit (you'll know it when you read it) it hit. I was devastated. And then because it's adira and "we do soft here" it ends sweet.

Once in a Blue Moon - Dieter one shot by @whatsnewalycat

Summary: You're the only person working when a Christmas blizzard rolls into town and snows you in with a notoriously difficult guest, Dieter Bravo. Tags: one shot, slight dub con elements (power imbalance, isolation, alcohol) although both parties are enthusiastically consenting, hotel guest x hotel staff, blizzard, Minnesota because that’s my best friend, dieter generally being an ‘if you give a mouse a cookie’ ass bitch, kinda enemies to lovers???, Christmas, loneliness, palm reading, food and eating, cannabis, conspiracy theory mention, fluuuuuufffff, smut, dirty talk, a dash of conflict, painting stuff, power outage, poverty mention Thoughts: Aly has this way of writing Dieter that is like she knows him in real life. He feels so personal and real to me in her stories. I think I say this every time I talk about her fics, but my Dieter would not exist without hers. Anyway -- this fic is wonderful. Dieter has all that silly druggie boy charm he always has, there's a really interesting inclusion of him having PTSD from working on the movie from The Bubble and a really interesting way that he's dealing with it. It's got perfect vibes for us christmas haters too. I loved this so much.

Jingle Balls / Dashing through the ho - Frankie series by @idolatrybarbie

Summary: Santa Frankie porn... that's it. That's the fic Tags: santa kink???, cockwarming, cum, like so much cum, unprotected vaginal sex, unethical use of a mall Santa Village, semi-public sex, dirty talk and pet names, mentions of free use. / santa kink again, free use, spreader bar, creampie, come eating, facefucking, throatpie, anal sex, degradation, cum, pet names (honey, little girl, sweet girl, baby), praise, CUM AGAIN GUYS LIKE IDK WHAT HAPPENED HERE. Thoughts: This is mostly my fault and I refuse to apologize for it

Galletita - Javi P one shot by @gasolinerainbowpuddles

Summary: Your sister and brother-in-law have enlisted your help with their small business while they await the birth of their first baby. You help with the cafe and find yourself face to face with a new customer whose appetite might have met its match in you. Tags: big boi Javi P is hungry and a little cranky, you like to bake and Javi likes to eat, belly kink, feeding kink, probably bad Spanish, we’re playing fast and loose with timelines, canon, and everything in general, so just forget about timey wimey boo boo wah wah and enjoy the story lmao Thoughts: I do, in fact, need a big boy

Devour - Ezra one shot by @frannyzooey

Summary: Falling for Ezra on the Green Tags: harvesting violence, mentions of gore and blood, mentions of cannibalism, love as consumption and all the visuals that come with it, so much fucking and filth and ass play and cum eating it isn’t funny Thoughts: It was a gift for me, so I really probably should not be so amazed by how much I love this fic. But oh my god, dude. Love as consumption, freak nasty smut, Ezra being Ezra, bi!Ez, the Din/Ez hints (I'd like to know more about that), it's all perfect. I will never stop being obsessed with this

Tear You Apart - Dieter one shot by @psychedelic-ink

Summary: it's the 70s and your friend invites you to an underground club where one of your favorite musicians is playing: dieter bravo. Tags: innocence kink, mild corruption kink, backstage sex, piv, dirty talk, weed, oral + handjob (male receiving)obsessed with rockstar Dieter. Thoughts: I'm surprised I haven't seen more rockstar Dieter. This was hot, filthy, and just... in the words of the man himself perfect.

One Man Show - Dieter one shot by @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

Summary: Dieter gets himself off! Tags: male masturbation, use of sex toys, anal fingering, butt plug, sex tape??? i guess Thoughts: I'm loving this solo session concept so much. Dieter filming himself!!! for no reason!!! is so hot. Everything about this is so fucking hot. I want him to send me that video...

I am a nightmare, you are a miracle - Joel series by @party-hearses

Summary: After your two year relationship with Tommy Miller ends, Joel takes you in — and it’s home like you’ve never quite known before. Tags: slow burn, explicit (eventual) smut, language, infidelity, alcohol, age difference, soft!joel, no cordyceps outbreak, sarah doesn’t exist (sorry), tommy stans don’t come for me. Thoughts: I have been very intentionally not reading WIPs and waiting for them to be finished, but I fucked up. I was scrolling the dash and frannyzooey recc'd this and it caught my eye and I just didn't even check if it was finished. But I regret nothing. Ch 4 is coming soon, I'm manifesting it. I fucking love Joel in this and I'm super intrigued by reader's uhhhh mommy issues and the way that those manifest.

MASTERLIST BINGE INCOMING | @brandyllyn

To sell your love for peace - Javi P series by @brandyllyn

Summary: You are Javier’s newest informant. You’re not his usual type but he’s willing to make an exception. More than one. Tags: smut, sex work, canon typical violence, javi being a moron Thoughts: I adore a lovers to idiots to lovers story... and man is Javi an idiot. The characterization of Javi here is perfect. Protective!Javi is very canon and I love seeing it in fic. Also, I don't normally go for miscommunication tropes (they tend to annoy me) but this was perfect. I loved every second of this story.

The Serpent Under It - Dave York one shot by brandyllyn

Summary: Dave is very good at his job Tags: Canon typical violence. kinda dark yo, soulmate AU Thoughts: I don't typically read soulmate AUs, but I actually read several of brandyllyn's this week. They're very different from the normal trope. This one broke my heart and it's less than 800 words.

To perish twice - Javi P series by brandyllyn

Summary: You can feel when your soulmate comes. Tags: smut, soulmate AU, Javi being an idiot, male masturbation, piv sex Thoughts: This is what I mean... you can feel when your soulmate has a fuckin orgasm??? What a concept. This was really hot, kind of funny, and had just the right amount of angst.

Cross My Heart - Ezra one shot by brandyllyn

Summary: While waiting at a clinic for the hope of a prosthetic arm, Ezra meets a woman who will change his life Tags: Talk of self harm / suicide but no one does it, discussion of medical procedures and prostheses, some use of ability based slurs by Ezra and others, canon typical violence Thoughts: We love a man who will threaten to murder someone's entire family for you... no seriously. I absolutely love Ezra's characterization here and I love the FMC's story AHHH. It's just a very sweet story... with a little Ezra flair.

Into the Shade - Ezra series by brandyllyn

Summary: Why would anyone fake having a soulmate? Tags: Ezra being Ezra, con man!ezra, soulmate AU, smut, Ezra x OFC smut, Ezra x reader is in there though. Thoughts: Yet again, the typical soulmate concept has been turned on its head here, and I love it. I also adore the flores animae - the particular soulmate mechanic in this fic. It's really interesting!

Dreams are Sweet Until They're Not - Jack Daniels series by brandyllyn

Summary: A crimson rose could only mean one thing. Tags: soulmates au, Jack being a slut, angst, smut, happy ending Thoughts: Okay last soulmates AU on the list, sorry. I went a little nuts. They're just so good. The ending of this one was so sweet, dude.

---------------------

My fics this week:

Something Sweet - Javi p x reader - You’re new to the team in Colombia and all alone on your birthday. Your partner, Javier Peña, decides to do something sweet for you. (fluff, smut)

Under Your Skin - jack daniels x javi p x reader - You’ve worked on Chucho’s ranch since you were 15 years old, grew up with Javi, loved Javi… He comes back after nearly 20 years to find you hooking up with a certain former secret agent. He’s jealous, for sure, but of who? (smut)

in the a.m. - javi p x reader - Between sleeping with informants and getting in bed with Los Pepes in the fight to bring down Escobar, Javier Peña also finds time to be with you. Wrestling with crippling self hatred, Javi tries and fails to keep his blood stained hands off of you. Based on some of my favorite Arctic Monkeys songs (smut, angst)

--------------------

Happy Reading!

[gallfawn]

SPOILERS FOR PUSS IN BOOTS THE LAST WISH!!!

I'm putting this here cause there's no way I'm putting this on twt(again...twt had nuff of my bullshit) or anything but I consider this a rant just because I can't, won't and do not want to spoil my friends about the movie but I'm too fixated on how well constructed it was.

First off, I was watching the first few scenes and oh my god. They brought in so many memorable takes from the first one which was so sweet!

My favorite was the "Ooh" cat popping up in the cat shelter.

I just realized that the sleeping giant seemed to be an example to amplify how big of a threat death was. The sleeping giant was a possible ploy, as it poses a great threat to the lands. However, Pib is met with someone who's able to fit in the same room as him. Someone that resembles himself, someone he couldn't possibly be, because it's someone we'll always end up meeting in the end, staring at it. It stares at us with its red beady eyes. Death himself.

The design for death. man. Man.

The scene where Pib(Puss in Boots) felt genuine fear from bleeding from his head. The red piercing eyes and the fucking strength he shows. From first glance I kinda knew he was death already, since his presence alone said a lot. I love how you don't even need so much to tell the audience what a character is meant to be perceived as. Giving them a few lines, visuals and subtle movements and cues are enough for the audience to pick up on it.

And of course, who could forget the portrayal of panic attacks. That one gets one of the stars for me. I love how they framed it as something that basically gets you in a way where you feel like you need to leave. You have to escape. You have to survive and live.

Each scene of the panic attacks occurring played important roles that constantly concern Pib and the viewers. We first become aware of the threat, how we know this threat could appear at any time. Now that–that's terrifying to think about. Which is true, death can come for us at any time which we least expect, which I really like how they were able to represent that as well.

The scene where Pib was worried about someone coming for him, aka Death, where he stares at the front door and sees a snout sniffing near it. I knew it couldn't be death at his door since it was well established that he was being hunted by the Goldi and the Three Bears. I like the detail where he's literally concerned that he constantly has to keep his eyes peeled twice now for something that's larger than life.

The first of the main characters that were introduced were Goldilocks and the three bears. First thing I thought, "she's hiding something isn't she. Oh she wants the wish, oh she wants to find her family again doesn't she?"

Then the second one was Perrito, love that lil guy. This dude breaks my heart honestly. I mean. Fuck man, something this innocent (well partly) gets hurt in every way and still does his best to forgive... I honestly like how he was introduced to Pib just cause they have contrasting personalities. I love how he's determined to be a therapy dog one day! Aaaaahhh

And then the third was Jack horner, yeah no. I got nothing else to say other than the fact that he looks like the guy from the lorax with dyed hair and power hungry issues. No need for me to predict shit at all. I hate that guy and his Mary Poppins, Doraemon ass bag. (They made a good villain, good job, I hate him👍)

And then the last if I'm not mistaken was Kitty Softpaws, so glad she was back around. But oof, damn exes unite huh. Thought about her wishing she could trust someone from the get-go. Of course, she was wishing for Pib, obviously.

I was honestly thinking throughout the movie, like what's the point? Right? You have one wish, but you have these people around you already. What could be so great that could potentially be a wish come true to them?

Except there was me hoping that Pib would at least get his lives back MAN. I WAS SOBBING.

To be fair, some areas were predictable where others weren't but I don't care. I loved it. I loved the hell out of it. I don't care about the cliche. I care about the story telling. What I could not predict was QUALITY AND WHOLE. And oh my goodness, don't get me started on that, the DESIGNS THE LIGHTING THE ANIMATION, THE FIGHT SCENES WERE SO WELL MADE SO WAS THE MUSIC ACCOMPANYING THE SCENES HEEEELL YEEEEEEAH.

THEY DELIVERED A CONCEPT THAT WORKED SO DAMN GOOOOOD!!

In the scene where the characters stood for the corners of the fucking star my god that was so smart. I was like "THEY PLANNED THIS ALL WAY TOO INTRICATELY I LOVE HOW EVERYTHING CONNECTS!"

I really like how the scenes weren't common. Like the fight scenes and everything. Where they take place and what kinds of combat could be possible with the equipment they're available with. I always love those kinds of combat.

We got like two found families except the other guy was just thirsty for world domination I guess. Yes I am insulting you, jack horner. Edna mode would kick your ass tbh. (Sorry I'm salty, I hate him, he was mean to Mr. Grasshopper cricket thing who I assume we might see again so that he gets united with Pinocchio, cause that was the first thing I thought)

The references are pretty good too. The jokes, the one liners were fantastic. I love how some of the humor transcends old style humor and some of the common ones today.

I was sobbing for almost the entire film cause of how well written and made it was. Jeez.

Wait, I think I've already done this before...huh deja vu.

Anyhow if I remember anything else I'll probably add it but whatever!

[redrobin-detective]

because I could not stop for death

because I could not stop for death / he kindly stopped for me / the carriage held but just ourselves / and immortality ~ Emily Dickinson

Danny Fenton was dying, properly this time.

Somehow, in the back of his head and in his worst nightmares, he knew it would end this way: bleeding on the floor of his parents’ lab where it had all began. He was so hot he felt like his skin was on fire, blood and ectoplasm were dripping all over him and his lungs and heart were working overtime to try in vain to keep him alive a moment longer. He’d imagined at the time that there would be more screaming but death, in the end, was turning out to be a quiet little affair. A lonely table set for one.

“Danny, Danny come on, you-you gotta slow down your breathing, just relax, for me, please,” Sam moaned, more than making up for his lack of noise. She was shaking and touching him all over, his chest, his face, his hair. Normally she jumped right into action but she had to know, deep down, that there was nothing she could do. All that was left was to watch her panic and cry, it wasn’t his favorite image. 

“Vlad!” He heard Tucker scream cry into the phone, “please it’s Tucker, Danny’s dying I think. The Fentons had some new invention, something about his core, please we don’t know what to do!” 

Ugh Vlad, he was probably going to be so happy Danny was on his way out. He wasn’t looking much forward to his last images being his archenemy gloating. Tucker hung up and reached down to grasp Danny’s hand so hard it hurt. “Don’t worry dude, Vlad’s coming. He knows so much about you half ghosts that you’ll be fixed up on no time.” Right, Danny was already dead. If calling Vlad, feeling like he did something, helped Tucker move on then he’d deal with it.

Danny tilted his head to the side where Sam’s fingernails were carding through his hair. It was getting harder to see with the blood pouring out of his eyes but he looked at her, and tried to memorize her face. He’d never been able to tell her how much he loved her, that any day spent with her was a blessing. Tucker too, his best bro and a part of his soul. His best friends in the whole wide world, through thick and thin. God, he was going to miss them.

“Glurk,” he said, trying to convey those feeling but the fluids in his mouth and airway made it impossible. “Blerh.”

“Shh shh shh,” Sam soothed, “it’s okay, don’t try to talk.”

“Daniel!” He heard Vlad’s voice shriek as he materialized in front of the portal. Sam and Tucker were violently pushed out the way. Danny wanted to be angry at his loved ones being taken away in his final moments but anger was for the living, he barely had the energy to breathe. This death was too long and too short all at once. He made eye contact with Vlad who all at once lost the frantic edge to his tone and and instead knelt on the floor. “Oh my dear boy. What did they do to you?”

“What is going on?” Sam demanded, shoving her way back in. Danny was glad, he could see again like this. “Why aren’t you doing something!”

“There’s nothing to be done,” Vlad said in a flat, monotone, he picked up one of Danny’s hands and patted it gently. “His core is dying, it’s like a ghost’s heart. It contains their very essence, it is from which everything they are comes from. If Jack and Maddie somehow disrupted it then there’s nothing anyone can do to save him.”

“But he’s human too,” Tucker defended, grabbing Danny’s other hand. His human warm skin burned but the contact felt so good, he twitched his fingers closer to his friend’s. “He-he doesn’t need a core, he’s already got a heart. So, so he doesn’t have powers, we can do normal again.”

“You-” Vlad hissed before taking a calming breath. “The accident that made Daniel like this irreparably altered him. His core was as much a part of keeping him alive as his other organs, without it, his body is shutting down.” Vlad turned down to look Danny in the eye and saw true, genuine grief in those hateful red eyes. 

“I cannot imagine the agony you are going through, I’m so sorry. I’d say it will be over soon but,” a hitch that sounded almost like a sob if it was coming from anyone other than Vlad. “But you’ve hovered on the edge of death for years, son, and you’ve always been such a fighter. You have minutes at most but those minutes are an eternity when you’re suffering.”

Sam and Tucker’s sobbing blended together in the background, Vlad was saying something with a miserable, stunned expression. The swirling of the portal in the background seemed louder than anything, louder than his heart beat pounding and pounding as it ran it’s last race. 

“Daniel, Danny,” he focused his eyes back on Vlad who had a stubborn, unhappy set to his brow. “Do you want me to make the pain stop? An ectoblast to your chest will end your life instantly.”

“Don’t you dare touch him,” Sam shrieked, coming back into view and looking like she was trying to fight Vlad off. “You do anything to him and I’ll kill you!” Tucker just sat and stared at him, like he too was trying memorize Danny’s face.

“It’s a mercy, Samantha or do you want his last moments on earth to be drowning on the blood in his lungs.”

“Sam, he has a point. I don’t- I don’t think we can fix this.”

“No! No we always fix things, I’ll do it myself if I have to!”

Danny’s vision was starting to go, more black than anything else. He closed his eyes and readied himself for the inevitable. 

“Time Out,” Danny opened his eyes and found he was no longer in pain. He was standing up and apart from where he’d previously been lying. Sam had her hands in Vlad’s face and the older hybrid was snarling something at her. Tucker was midmotion trying to stand up, presumably to get Sam but the three of them were frozen in the moment. Danny turned and found Clockwork floating, looking very out of place in his parents lab. “Good evening, Danny.”

“You that short on cash that you work part time as a grim reaper?” Danny quipped out of habit. He looked down at his body and grimaced a bit, that wasn’t a pretty sight. No doubt traumatizing for Tucker and Sam. God how were they going to explain this to his parents? “Gonna ferry me across the River Styx? I don’t have two pennies but I think I have a bloodied $10 on me.”

“You’re core is dying and you have 17 seconds left in this world before all your organs give out and finish the process you began when you turned on your parent’s ghost portal,” Clockwork explained as he changed into child form. 

“O-okay,” Danny said shakily, trying to be brave even when he was so, so scared. He was going out whether he wanted it or not but he refused to leave crying. “Nice of you to come say goodbye then but, uh but unless you have something to say then you should let me go back. No one knows better than me that you can’t outrun death. Thanks but I’m uh I’m ready.”

Clockwork stared at him for a bit, not sure how long, time was weird like this but he changed forms a few times. “You’re quite the remarkable young man, Danny Fenton.”

“Uh thanks,” Danny added, once more looking at his body which had, according to Clockwork, a 17 second expiration date. “What’s going to happen? Am I going to become a ghost? Does heaven or hell exist for someone like me?”

“I don’t get to decide what happens, I merely see options,” Clockwork stated easily, taking his time. “If you die naturally you’ll become ghost, a mere shadow of who you are now and one who would fade fairly quickly. You don’t have strong enough anger or regrets to tie you in the real world for long.” Not great but okay he supposed, hell for his friends and family though. “You could let Plasmius deliver his mercy kill, destroying what’s left of your ghost core and ensuring you do not come back.” Better, probably won’t help the Fruitloop’s instability but he can’t save everyone.

“That one comes with it’s own caveat but I’ll get to that in a moment,” Clockwork explained. “There is a third option where you get up off the floor and walk away.” Danny blinked then looked back at his body which certainly wasn’t walking anywhere but into a plush casket. Clockwork opened his hands and the Ghost King’s Crown materialized in his hands. “If you accept your claim to the King’s Cown, it will revitalize your core and your life would be saved.”

Danny blinked.

“By sealing Pariah Dark, you won by proxy and established a legitimate claim to the throne. The Zone has been without a king for millennia, most have forgotten the old rules. Those who remembered were not too keen on a half-ghost child assuming leadership and kept you in the dark. If Plasmius ends your life then your claim transfers over to him, which he is aware of. It had been his plan all along to trick you into defeating Pariah so he could steal the Crown from you at a later date, a much easier opponent.”

Danny’s mind was overloaded with information, he didn’t know what to focus on first. He stared at his 17 seconds from death face and tried to process it all. Crown? Claim? Vlad?

“Of course,” Clockwork tutted, “he didn’t plan on your dying and in such a gruesome fashion. If he kills you and takes your claim, he would spend his remaining years ruling the Ghost Zone in a just, controlled fashion for your memory. He destroys all the stable portals and keeps the ghost and human worlds separate.” Clockwork became and old man and titled his head, “it’s not a bad timeline, all things considered.”

“And if I take it?” Danny asked quietly.

“You’re compassionate, brave and motivated, you have all the makings of a revolutionary king,” Clockwork smiled. “The Zone would experience and unprecedented era of peace, there would be positive interactions between human and ghosts for the first time since life and death split into two. Your name would spoken with reverence for the rest of time.”

“But I don’t want to be king,” Danny frowned.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Clockwork stated. “Which is why I am giving you the choice. If you pass peacefully there will be no one to claim the Crown and life will continue on, ghost attacks and all. If Plasmius kills you, he becomes an effective but unmemorable king. If you take the Crown, you can get the chance to tell Sam and Tucker how much you love them.”

Danny rubbed at his face, he didn’t want to die but he’d be sealing away his entire future with a move like this. He didn’t even know if the Crown would let him go with death, maybe he’d die and be stuck as the Ghost King until his core finally gave out lord in who knows how long. Eternity was an awful long time to carry such a responsibility. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, too afraid of the answer.

“Is there ever a timeline I became an astronaut?” He asked instead. Clockwork hummed, seemingly unsurprised by Danny’s non-sequitur. 

“Yes, in one of the few universes where you never walked into the portal. You never go into space what with human politics putting a halt on the programs but you work for NASA. You leave Amity Park at 17 and don’t come back save for your parents’ dual funeral.” He paused and Danny felt read down to his very bones, “from the moment you became half ghost you were always heading for this moment. The circumstances varied but it always came down to you and the Crown. Time is straining to continue, to see how this drama plays out. Will you accept it and all the joy and grief that comes with it?”

Danny looked over at Vlad, still mid-sneer but there was a scared desperation in his face. He and Vlad sniped at each other all the time but Danny didn’t really hate him and he didn’t think Vlad did either. Leaving him alone, plus making him be king was a heavy burden to put on his enemy. 

Sam and Tuck probably wouldn’t recover from this, he’d put them through so much already but he just knew that they’d never be the same. Could he do that to them? Take the easy way out and leave them to suffer? Mom and Dad didn’t deserve to come home to a dead son, the truth would come out and they’d never forgive themselves. Jazz certainly wouldn’t, she was 2 states over at University but he could already hear her angry, grief-stricken screams. 

Death, death was quiet. It was quiet and merciful and sad, but it was also easy. And Danny Fenton had never once taken the easy route. He reached out and took and the crown before shakily placing it on his head. He gasped, throwing his head back as his core swelled, taking up residence once more right next to his heart. Clockwork smiled, looking like the cat who ate the canary. 

“The Crown of Fire, pardon me the Crown changes with each core, the Crown of Ice is now yours as is the Zone. Your reign begins now but so too does the rest of your life. People are waiting for you. Time in.” Danny slammed back into awareness on the floor of his parents’ lab, the floor he’d almost died on twice. 

He sat up as cold radiated off his body, causing frost to crawl down his arms and along the floor. Sam, Tucker and Vlad, who’d been frozen up until now, jumped back to life. There was a new, familiar weight on his head that he didn’t dare acknowledge. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and said a silent goodbye to a quiet, normal life. It wouldn’t be all bad, he could be happy like this but the Crown still felt like a iron manacle around his neck. But he got used to the ghost powers, he could get used to this too. Maybe one day he won’t look at the stars and say ‘what if?’

“Danny!” Sam shouted, throwing herself into his arms soon followed by Tucker. Their warm weight, their relieved sobs, their shaky breaths in his air, now this was something worth living for. He squeezed them tightly.

“But how dude, you were at death’s door!” Tucker asked, still not letting go.

“You accepted the Crown,” Vlad said evenly, “I wasn’t aware you even knew about your claim. Who told you?”

“You don’t know everything, Vlad,” Danny sighed, sitting himself upright. Ugh his shirt was covered in blood and ectoplasm. He needed to trash these clothes before his parents freaked. And find a way to hide the floating ice crown on his head. 

“Even an old man can be surprised every now and again,” Vlad said wearily. He stood up to his full height before startling Danny by dipping down to one knee. “Then allow me to be the first to welcome my new king and wish him well.”

“I thought you wanted this,” Danny questioned.

“I do, I did,” Vlad said, unusually off balance. “To be quite honest, I’m not sure how to feel about it but, right now, I’m just immeasurably happy you’re alive, little badger. Now I best be off, enjoy your kingdom, my liege, I’ll be sure to come bother you some time soon.” Vlad disappeared in a swirl of pink leaving just him, Sam and Tucker still clinging to him.

Danny may have a kingdom, a job he didn’t want and his whole life decided in a spur of the moment choice, but he also had something very important. He squeezed his friends tightly.

“I love you guys, thank you for being my friends even though I have the worst ideas for activities. Dying? On a Sunday night? How lame is that?” Sam laughed, a bit hysterical but it was real and it made Danny feel weightless. 

“Don’t do that again, buddy,” Tucker breathed into his shoulder. “So you gonna explain what just happened and why you’re apparently the Ghost King or something?”

“Yeah, yeah I will but let’s get changed first. Mom and Dad will be home soon and I think I’m going to need to have a conversation with them about my new job.” 

[shemarmooresfedora]

Rebuilding Family

Summary: Y/N and Spencer were college sweethearts at Cal-Tech but once Spencer got accepted to the FBI Academy, he ended things deciding it was not fair to make Y/N wait for him. When they meet again years later, he discovers something unexpected.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings: gun violence, hospitals, blood

A/N: besties, i-...just read the warnings (slight spoiler: the angst will be resolved)

Masterlist

Chapter 21

“How exciting is this! Last day of kindergarten today and then your seventh birthday party tomorrow!” you exclaimed, “My baby is growing up way too fast.”

You squeezed Jo tightly.

“Okay, I’m going to drop Jo off and then I’ll pick up the cake from the bakery, go grocery shopping, and get the decorations,” Spencer kissed you as he held up Jo’s backpack for her to slip her arms into.

“Don’t forget Mrs. Flynn’s gift. She had to put up with 20 rowdy kids for a whole year, the least we can do is give her some cookies and a gift card to Target,” you said.

“Got it,” Jo patted her backpack.

“Goodbye, my loves,” you gave both of them one last kiss before they exited the front door and you finished getting ready for work.

-

At the end of the day, Jo came marching out of the elementary school in the usual class line. You and Spencer came running up to her.

“There’s my big kindergarten graduate,” you bent down to hug her with Spencer following suit.

“I got a diploma,” she beamed, holding up the piece of paper with her name on it.

Josephine Y/L/N-Reid

Her officially updated birth certificate name.

“We need to frame this and put it up right next to Daddy’s PhDs,” you smiled.

“I think this occasion calls for a milkshake,” Spencer lifted up Jo.

“It most certainly does...and fries,” you agreed.

-

You had a row of picnic tables at the park all decorated with balloons, streamers, and dinosaur tablecloths. You and Spencer woke up extra early to make sure everything was ready for the time of the party.

You both had been repeatedly taking trips back and forth home to bring everything to the park that you needed. Jo’s friends from her class would be there as well as the BAU.

As people started to arrive, you handed out party hats to everyone. Derek attempted to sneak past you.

“Ah ah ah,” you held your arm out to stop him, “No hat, no entry.”

“Even Hotch is wearing one,” you pointed to Hotch sitting at a table with Jack, wearing a bright pink party hat.

“Fine. Gimme the green one,” Derek sighed.

Jo and her friends were having a blast. You ordered enough pizza to fill everyone up completely but luckily, the kids ran it off playing tag on the playground.

“Okay, cake everyone!” Spencer shouted to gather everyone around the central table as he began to light the candles.

Jo took the end seat with the biggest grin on her face and you stood behind her. Derek and Penelope had their phones out to record and take pictures.

Spencer picked the cake up and took a deep inhale, signaling that he was about to start singing, “Happy Birth-”

BANG. You didn’t even know what was happening. You quickly pulled Jo behind you, shielding her from whatever made that loud noise.

Then, you felt something warm seeping down your front. You looked down to see your white shirt quickly darkening into red.

Spencer dropped the cake on the ground, running over to you, “Y/N!”

You fell to the ground just as he caught you. You could hear the muffled sounds of screams, kids crying, and people running away.

“Hey, eyes on me! Eyes on me, okay? You’re gonna be just fine,” Spencer was grappling at your torso to find where all the blood was coming from.

“Where’s Jo?” you panickedly asked.

“Penelope has her. Hotch called an ambulance, it’s on its way, baby. Just stay with me,” he pleaded.

“Spence, it hurts too much. I’m sorry,” you cried.

“No, Y/N, please. Jo needs you. I need you. I can’t do this without you,” he sobbed.

“You’re the best dad ever, Spence. I currently have a mug being shipped to the house that says so,” you feebly attempted to laugh, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Spencer whispered as the ambulance pulled up with its sirens wailing.

As you were being loaded into the stretcher, you caught a glimpse of Jo crying into Penelope’s shoulder.

“Spence, stay with Jo,” you whispered.

“What? No. I’m coming with you,” he said.

“She’s really scared, Spence.”

“Y/N, this is not up for debate. You were just shot. I’m not leaving you. Penelope will bring her to the hospital waiting room,” Spencer insisted, getting into the ambulance.

Everything went dark after that.

-

Spencer was nervously bouncing his leg up and down, blankly staring at the hospital floor. Everything around him was a monotonous hum.

“Reid...Reid...Reid!” Derek snapped him out of his trance, shaking his shoulder.

“Penelope is outside with Jo now and she’ll bring her in in a second but we need to get you cleaned up first,” Derek said, guiding Spencer to the bathroom.

Spencer looked down at his clothes. Whatever emotional state Jo was in right now would definitely not be eased by seeing her Daddy covered in Mommy’s blood. Derek helped wipe all the blood off Spencer and then handed him a spare pair of sweats from his go bag.

“W-What happened?” was the first thing that Spencer said as they returned to the waiting room and Derek texted Penelope that it was all clear.

“Hotch and Rossi are at the scene trying to figure that out now. We think the unsub was actually aiming for Jo but Y/N blocked the bullet,” Derek stated.

“Oh god,” Spencer put his face in his palms until he heard a familiar crying growing louder.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Jo wailed.

Penelope was also teary-eyed but Spencer could tell she was trying her best to hold it together for Jo’s sake. She transferred Jo into Spencer’s arms. Spencer tucked the little girl into his chest.

“Is Mommy okay?” she sobbed.

Spencer looked up at Derek and Penelope before looking back down at his daughter, “I don’t know, baby, but the doctors are taking real good care of her.”

Jo continued to cry into Spencer's chest for about a half an hour until she lost all of her energy and fell asleep. Spencer looked down at his daughter’s puffy red eyes. How could he possibly give her any more bad news on her birthday? You had to be okay. You were supposed to be the perfect little family. This was supposed to be his happy ending.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” a surgeon called out.

“Right here,” Spencer spoke softly and slowly stood in order to not wake Jo up.

Derek and Penelope stood right beside him.

“Ms. Y/L/N suffered a bullet wound to the gut. However, the surgery went well and she is expected to make a full recovery,” the surgeon announced.

“Oh thank god,” Spencer let out a huge exhale that he didn’t even know he was holding.

“She has lost a lot of blood so she’s not awake yet but you are welcome to wait with her if you would like. She should be up within the hour,” the surgeon informed Spencer.

Spencer nodded his head emphatically.

“Garcia and I are going to head back to the BAU to confer with the rest of the team. Text us with any updates,” Derek patted Spencer on his back.

“Right this way,” the surgeon guided Spencer to a room down the hall.

There you laid in a hospital bed, still managing to look beautiful after nearly dying and a multiple hour surgery.

He took the seat beside you, still cradling Jo in his arms.

About 20 minutes later, Spencer’s eyes snapped up to meet yours after he heard a little movement coming from the bed.

You opened your mouth slightly to speak but Spencer beat you to it.

“Marry me.”

“Am I alive?” you closed your eyes again, blinking really hard, and then opening them to still see the same scene in front of you.

“Yes, Y/N, you are luckily very much alive and I don’t want to spend another second not being married to the love of my life. I stupidly let you go once and I am not going to let that happen ever again. You and Jo are my whole entire life, there's nothing more I could possibly want. So, I am asking you…”

Spencer grabbed your hand and slipped the ring off your index finger, then he knelt with Jo still asleep in his arms, clinging to his neck, “...if you will do me the greatest honor of spending the rest of our lives together. Y/N, will you marry me?

“Yes,” you cried as he slipped the ring back on to your index finger.

“I promise I’ll get you another ring as soon as we’re out of here,” Spencer said.

“Shut up and kiss me, Spence,” you cupped his cheeks, pulling him towards you until your lips connected.

“Mommy?” you heard a meek voice ask from between you both.

“Hi baby. I’m so sorry I scared you like that,” you said.

Jo untangled herself from Spencer and wrapped her arms around your neck.

“It’s okay, Mommy, as long as you are okay.”

A/N: i got multiple crying headaches while writing and editing this chapter

[wannabe-fic-writer]

WandaNat x Reader : In Their Arms

Summary: You feel safer in their arms than you do in your own home.

Warning: Domestic Abuse, Language, Homophobia

Word Count: 1,602

* * * * * *

'Can’t make movie night. Dinner with Jack. Srry.’

“Uggggghhhhh!”

Natasha’s brows raise at the long groan coming from her girlfriend,“ what’s wrong?”

Wanda’s eyes roll and she throws her phone back on the bed and trudges to the bathroom. 

Now frowning, Natasha picks up the phone, eyes scanning the message Y/n had just sent. And she completely understands her girlfriend’s frustrations. 

This had to be the hundredth time you’d canceled on them for your boyfriend. No matter what it was lately you’d always find some reason to cancel on them to be with Jack.

Both women were upset over it for a number of reasons. The more obvious one being that they don’t think Jack is good enough for you, or right for you in any way. It’s clear as day that the man is a power hungry misogynistic homophobic asshole.

They had noticed it the first night they met him at dinner with the both of you. 

Everything you said was countered with him seemingly one upping you: Wanda and Natasha asked about work and you began to reply only for him to cut you down with his opinion of your work and how his job(as an accountant) was a real career compared to yours(as a photographer).

When he left to the bathroom you profusely apologized and claimed he wasn’t always like that, something about a long day at work leaving him cranky. But the women knew that wasn’t it. And even if it was it wasn’t a valid excuse. 

It all became too much at dinner another night when he implied that Natasha and Wanda’s relationship wasn’t “real” because they were two women. That was the first time they saw you stand up to him, in defense of your best friends, but he quickly shut you down. 

They hated seeing it. They know how strong and incredible you are and couldn’t understand why you were with someone who didn’t even see you as an equal, who didn’t treat you like the queen you are. 

Both women would love nothing more than to be the ones showing you what you deserved but they had never gotten any indication that you one: were into women and two: into them. And then you got with Jack. So they silently loved you, making sure to remind you of your worth since they knew your self-esteem was taking hits in your relationship.

Natasha’s pulled from her thoughts when her girlfriend emerges from the bathroom. Green eyes scan over Wanda’s form and a subconscious smile tugs at her lips. 

“As much as I would love for Y/n to be here, she’s made her decision and we should respect it.” The redhead says, pulling Wanda in by her waist.

The younger woman’s fingers slip into red tresses,“ but it was a dumb decision,” she groans again,“ and I miss her. It’s been weeks Nat.” 

God did she know it. She hated not seeing you as much as she use to it. And silently vowed to never take your presence for granted again. That is whenever she can bask in it again.

“I know and I miss her too but we can’t force her to spend time with us.” Natasha says, watching as her girlfriend crawls on to the bed and curls into herself. 

She grumbles something that Natasha doesn’t hear. So the ex-assassin wraps herself around Wanda, pulling her close and resting her chin on the woman’s shoulder,“ speak up lyubov.” 

“Since when is spending time with us forced?” 

Your relationship with the women was a strong one. Having met years ago when Pepper and Tony hired you to photograph their wedding(post Tony’s snap). 

The women were taken with the simplicity of your life and were amazed with the work you did. Just as much as you were taken with the complexity of theirs and equally amazed at their work.

It was on a whim that you contacted them to hang out, a simple lunch “date” as you’d said. And your friendship with them grew from there. To the point where you spent almost every free night you all had, together. Eventually they became the two people you could tell anything to and you trusted them with your life and vice versa, except their feelings branched past friendly. 

Still they never imposed that on you. In fact you had no idea.

Before either woman can could continue their phones buzzed. Another notification from you. 

Excitedly Wanda opens it, hoping it’s you saying you’ll come over anyway. That excitement quickly switches to dread.

The audio message plays, your cries and screams blaring in the quiet of their bedroom. Accompanied by the horrid thuds and obvious slapping sounds.

Neither woman had moved so fast in their lives. Springing from the bed(Natasha equipping her Widow’s Bites) and leaving their home. They take the familiar route to your house and waste no time going inside, as quietly as possible so as not to enrage your attacker. 

“-me for them? As if they could give you something I haven’t!” The gruff shouts of a familiar voice makes Wanda freeze in her position pressed against the kitchen wall.

Your followed cries shatters her heart. 

“Please stop. Please.” 

“You disgust me.” He spits.“ I knew there was something was wrong with you but being gay-”

Whatever he says next is distorted and cut off by the volts now running through his body. 

Still in a state of fear, you flinch away from Natasha when the woman reaches you. And seeing how fragile and beaten you were angered and hurt her beyond belief. 

She shoots another Widow’s Bite at the man before kneeling beside you. 

“Y/n, hey,” her voice is softer than it’s ever been,“ milaya I need you to come with us. I’m not going to hurt you, ever.” 

E/c, tear filled eyes, look into green and you’re washed with a sense of security. In her eyes you’re reminded of the greatest love you’ve ever felt. It’s always been there but it matters now more than ever. 

With a nod from you, Natasha helps you up and passes you over to Wanda. You miss whatever it is they say, just overly aware of the pain from your forming bruises. 

Wanda eases you into the backseat, scooting in herself, and pulling you into her arms. Sobs wrack your body that make tears well in Wanda’s eyes. She does her best to calm you, whispered assurances of your safety and worth breaking through your cries. 

Getting from your house to their home is a blur. You feel as if you’re flowing in and out of consciousness even though you aren’t.

The severity of what happened weighs on you, making each blink feel like days of darkness, making your body feel empty despite your broken spirit inside it. 

You think and over think the situation. You blame yourself, feeling stupid for not recognizing that this is the kind of man he is. You hate yourself for sticking with him, having thought he’d return to the charming man he was when you’d first met.

His verbal abuse was one thing, not acceptable but not physical. You shouldn’t have stuck around for that and honestly had you left him when it began you never would’ve been in this position. 

How could I have been so stupid? So weak?

Natasha’s eyes snap to yours at the mumbled words.

Words you apparently thought out loud. 

The red head kneels in front of you in an instant and her hands gently squeeze the unbruised parts of your arms.

“You are far from weak and stupid.” Her words are stern, the hate in them directed to the man that made you feel that way, and the assurance in them for you.“ He is the weak one. He is the stupid one. Do not blame yourself for this Y/n.” 

Seeing tears roll down the flawless cheeks of the ex-assassin stirs something in you. Feelings that you’d just recently begun to understand. And the returning presence of the woman’s girlfriend makes them all the more prevalent.

Fingers wringing together, you tell them what had happened,“ I was breaking up with him.” Both sets of green eyes widen.“ I told him that I had developed feelings outside of our relationship, feelings for my best friends, and he lost it.” Your fingers clench around each other,“ he told me my feelings were wrong, that it was disgusting-”

You don’t have to continue because they know. 

What they heard going into your house makes sense now. He was shouting about them. 

You have feelings for them.

The warmth of the arms that surround you make more tears splash down to your hands. Hands that are pulled apart and encased in the warmth of Natasha’s hands. 

She shares a look with the younger girl behind you, who’s arms hold you close.

Both of them dreamt of this moment. Dreamt of you confessing your feelings to them but they hate that it came about this way. And while there is nothing they can do about what has already happened, they can ensure that it never does again. At their hands or anyone else’s.

“You’re safe with us,” Wanda whispers into your ear, body hugging you closer as her chin rests on your shoulder,“ we love you.” 

“And we will never, ever hurt you.” Natasha adds, moving to sit at your side to wrap her arms around you and Wanda. 

Despite the events of a mere few hours ago, you feel safe, you feel at home, all because you’re in their arms. 

* * * * * *

taglist: @trikruismybitch

[orionsangel86]

The first Valentines Day they spent together wasn’t great. Taking out a horseman of the apocalypse and consuming an obscene amount of red meat wasn’t exactly a great start for a whirlwind romance. But Dean still remembers the butterflies he got in his stomach when Cas stood too close, or held his gaze for slightly too long.

The Valentines Day’s that came after that were mostly painful, or just another day that Dean wanted to forget:

- Handing Lisa a crumpled gas station valentines day card and a bunch of flowers that had already seen better days.

- Drowning in grief at the loss of Cas and Bobby.

- Hiding in the dark of Purgatory, trading rough hand jobs with Benny, and sending Cas tearful prayers, wishing he’d come back.

- Comforting a scared girl being chased by Hellhounds, wishing his angel would answer his prayers yet again.

- He doesn’t recall specific days whilst he had the mark of Cain.

He remembers the valentines day whilst under the pull of Amara, pining for something both frightening and unnatural, knowing deep down he was longing for something else, something that he thought he could never have.

The valentines day the year after reuniting Amara and Chuck, he had only been out of solitary confinement a few weeks, Cas was there, in the Bunker with him. But he was stubborn and angry at Cas for putting himself in danger. Dean had been giving him the silent treatment the whole time, but God, does he remember wishing Cas would come to him. Cas never did.

So much had happened in the year that followed that one. Cas had died, and returned to him, they had found Jack, and lost him to an alternate world. Even with all that had happened, Valentine Day that year was one of his favourites in recent memory. Dean had shyly invitied Cas for a movie marathon in his room. They had put on a Scooby Doo episode whilst making popcorn, and Cas had teased him for his “ascot phase” that had lasted only a few weeks. Dean still thinks he looked awesome though. They had curled up on Dean’s bed, eating popcorn and watching old horror movies. Dean had fallen asleep on Cas’s shoulder, and woke up on the morning of February 15th with his arms wrapped around Cas’s waist, and his face buried in his side. They were both smiling that morning, but neither had mentioned it again. Dean wishes they had.

The following year things had gone wrong again. Dean was too preoccupied trying to keep Michael at bay in his mind to even think about Valentines Day.

Last year on Valentines Day he was full of rage. Still hurting over all the crap that had happened. Chuck controlling their lives, being mad at Cas, Cas leaving and only returning to help the fight. He was terrified that Cas was just another part of Chuck’s story, another way to manipulate him. But Cas turned out to be one of the only things in the universe that Chuck wasn’t able to control. The one thing Dean had wanted most was the only thing that was truly real in his entire life. The thought still took his breath away. He wished he had known that at the time.

This Valentines Day, Dean was feeling high on happiness and love. Another year where too much had happened, but Dean and Cas decided that they had wasted enough time. Too many years had passed where they couldn’t be together, now they were finally free, finally able to make their own story, and they had chosen each other.

Just over three months ago Cas had confessed his love, and been ripped away from Dean once again before he had even had a chance to process what had happened. Defeating Chuck, and finally freeing themselves from his story had come at a terrible price, but luckily Dean’s adopted son was God now, and this time the deus ex machina was just what he needed.

Dean had wasted no time in finally letting his heart speak. Sobbing confessions of everlasting love into Cas’s lips, his neck, his cheeks, his chest. It had all happened pretty quickly after that. Jack had fixed everything, and Dean and Sam could finally retire.

The wedding wasn’t even their idea. Sam had blurted it out one day that they should hold some sort of ceremony as a final fuck you to all the forces of Heaven and Hell and beyond that had tried to separate them over the years. From the most powerful Gods, right down to the nasty little men in expensive suits who didn’t appreciate their love for one another. Eventually Dean had whispered the words to Cas one night, whilst they were still naked, sweaty, and wrapped around each other, gasping for breath. Marry Me just slipped off his tongue, and had got him a tearful yes and another four orgasms before the night was over.

So the valentines day “fuck you” ceremony became “Dean and Cas’s wedding day” and here they were. Exchanging vowels in front of their whole family. Even Crowley miraculously showed up which put Dean on edge for all of 10 minutes before the former King of Hell smiled and raised a fruity cocktail in his direction.

Their first dance was to “All My Love” by Led Zeppelin. Because of course it was. In the dim lights of the dance floor, pressed close to Castiel’s solid form, cheek brushing cheek, breathing in the scent of him, Dean was in the only Heaven that mattered. Right here on Earth. Real Heaven could wait until he was ready to go, which wouldn’t happen until he was old and wrinkly and his hair was grey (but still fabulous and not at all looking like a party city wig).

Once the stragglers had finally left the reception, or past out in the corner, Dean and Cas slipped away to the wedding suite, and drunkenly made love until long after midnight. It was by far, the best day of Dean’s life, let along the best Valentines Day of the past 12 years.

It’s the morning of the 15th February. Dean is lying in bed, on his back, with his new husband wrapped around him like an octopus. He thinks of all the valentines days of the past 12 years, and then forgets them, and thinks of the ones to come.

Next year he will spend the entire day in bed with his husband. Maybe he’ll get up long enough to make pancakes to bring Cas breakfast in bed. Maybe he’ll slip on some anniversary/valentines day panties. He thinks Cas may be into that.

In five years time he’ll spend their anniversary/Valentines day in their home by a beach - the one he plans to build himself. They’ll sit under the stars and listen to the ocean crash into the shore, wrapped in a huge blanket and whisper sweet nothings into each others ears.

In twenty years time, they’ll celebrate with their family. Perhaps he’ll throw Cas a party. He can picture Jack and Claire grown up with their own families, and Sam and Eileen with their own children, also grown by that point, and ready to move on to college and beyond. He sees a future full of love, and happiness, and peace. A future he has chosen for himself. A future where he is truly free to live the life he wants.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if they make anniversary/valentines day plans in the future or not, so long as they are together, so long as he gets this. So long as Cas remains in his arms. So long as he gets to kiss his husbands handsome face and see the love and happiness in his eyes. So long as from now on, nothing, not Darkness, Hell, Heaven, or even Death can separate them. After all, past experience has proven that they never succeeded before. Dean and Cas will always find their way back to each other.

[the-modernmary]

always been a storm || hotchley (ch 1)

summary: Lots of people wondered about their love story. How they met, how they fell in love, and even how they fell apart. Haley likes to tell their story from end to beginning. Aaron tells it from the beginning to end. Somewhere along the way, they meet, and it always ends with a goodbye.

Author’s Note: This is inspired by the musical The Last Five Years, so I will be following that format. If you aren't familiar with it, it is told in opposite chronological directions from both character's POVs. So Haley's POV will start at the end of the relationship and move backwards, while Hotch's POV is going to start at the beginning and move forward. Hopefully it should be clear as you read. Also, since the writers couldn't decide how old Hotch was, I sort of played around with the years/canon timeline. But canon is just a suggestion anyway.

read on ao3

Haley - 2009

Haley Brooks once told her sister about a boy who kissed her at the Pirates of Penzance cast party. She had said that she could see herself with this boy for the rest of her life and, when the couple got engaged five years later, Haley told her sister that she just knew that she was going to love this boy until the day she died.

Haley Hotchner never could have expected it would end like this: a serial killer, gun pressed to her temple, on the phone with her husband — ex-husband — and no way to protect her 5-year-old son, the little miracle she and Aaron never thought they were going to get.

“Tell Jack I need him working the case,” Aaron says through the phone, voice shaking, and Haley has no idea what Aaron could possibly mean by that.

“What?” she asks, even though she knows it’s futile. Years of chasing down serial killers and getting into their minds has made Aaron paranoid. He has backup plans for the backup plans of their backup plans. He has safety plans for anything that could possibly go wrong, some that even Haley doesn’t know, and this must just be another one of those plans.

Aaron repeats himself a little more forcefully, and that’s when Haley knows it’s over for her. At least Aaron is still alive, and not dead like she had been told he was. At least Jack won’t be completely orphaned. It was a small comfort.

 If Jack survives, her brain reminds her unhelpfully, but she pushes that thought down. For all of Aaron’s faults, he’d never let anything happen to Jack. And if the only person Aaron saves is Jack, then Haley can die peacefully. 

  When she hugs Jack, she doesn’t even realize how tightly she’s holding him until he tells her, and it’s with reluctance that she loosens her grip. Logically, she knows it’s safer for Jack to go off and do whatever Aaron told him to do, but the motherly side of her brain is screaming to hold her baby boy to her chest and never let him go. She can keep him safe and protected from the world, she just knows it. She’s protected him this long from the reality of the world - fed him stories of villains and superheroes to try and explain where his dad was and why his dad so often woke up in tears - so she can do it just a while more.

And if she can’t protect him, she selfishly wants to keep Jack close to her for a little longer, for both of their sakes. For Jack, she wants his last memory of her to be one of happiness and love — a final hug from his mom who loves him so, so much. For Haley, well, she needs that last bit of bravery. Aaron keeps telling her to be brave and to not show The Reaper any weakness, but she’s never been that person. She’s always been the emotional and dramatic one of the marriage.

(If she had more time, she might have considered that, no, she actually wasn’t the dramatic one and that up until the bitter end, she had been reasonable and willing to compromise, and it was Aaron who believed the weight of humanity was on his shoulders, despite the fact that he was nothing more than a man. But no one would ever believe that Aaron Hotchner was overemotional, and like most things, it’s just easier to put it on Haley.)

As if reading her mind, Aaron’s voice cuts through the silence. “You’re so strong, Haley, stronger than I ever was,” he assures her, and she can’t find the right words to say, not when her mind is racing a million miles a minute.

 She thinks of her sister, her best friend in the whole world, and how she never got to say goodbye. They had been planning on taking Jack on a weekend camping trip when Haley got pulled into WitSec. There had been no fanfare, no tearful farewell. Just a nondescript car from the hospital to a nondescript building where Haley Brooks went to disappear. She wasn't able to tell Jessica that she loves her or to thank her for everything she had given up for Haley. Now Jessica was going to lose her little sister.

And her dad… God, the last thing Haley did with her dad was fight with him. It was something so stupid, too — Roy had insisted on Jack going into Pop Warner football even after Haley had told him multiple times that she didn’t want Jack starting in such a high contact sport so early on in his life. They had gone back and forth on it for close to an hour before Haley had stormed out in tears because if she had to hear one more word about “Jack needs to develop tougher skin” and “he should be around more male figures, it'll be good for him” as if it was Haley’s fault that Aaron didn’t make it to see Jack the past two weeks, she was going to lose it.

God, she was so bone-deep, achingly exhausted of everything always being her fault. 

“You’ll hurry, right?” she asks, eyes never leaving the Reaper. He’s stalking across the room, gun hanging lazily at his side.

 “I know you didn’t sign on for this,” Aaron starts, and it’s not lost on Haley that he avoided her question.

Still, she doesn’t need an explicit answer from him. The Reaper is behind her now, his hot breath creeping down her neck and the column of her spine, meeting perfectly halfway with the tip of his gun. “Neither did you.”

The conversation somehow switched from comfort to a goodbye without either of them ever realizing it. “I’m sorry for everything.”

The cold steel of The Reaper’s gun nudges against Haley’s back. A braver, tougher person than Haley might have fought back - might have elbowed him in the gut and kicked him where the sun doesn’t shine and escaped - but Haley’s accepted her fate. All she’s able to do now is grip the phone a little tighter. It’s the closest thing she has to holding Aaron’s hand one last time.

“Promise me that you will tell him how we met,” she starts, and her voice becomes steadier and more confident than it had in years, “and how you used to make me laugh.”

“Haley…”

She thinks back to the Aaron she met in high school - tall and lanky and smiling despite already feeling like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. She hadn’t seen him smile in so long. Aaron always believed himself to be a protector, and Haley knows that he already blames himself for Sean and Gideon and Spencer. God only knows how far he’ll spiral after this.

“He needs to know that you weren’t always so serious, Aaron.” She takes a grounding breath and says the next part to him directly, hoping that he’ll understand what’s unspoken. “I want him to believe in love. Because it is the most important thing. But you need to show him. Promise me.”

There’s a long pause that makes Haley’s stomach drop. A million things still need to be said, but she can’t bring herself to say them. She can’t even think, not when she hears the click of The Reaper’s gun cocking. She can’t be brave any longer.

The air in the room seems to get thinner, and Haley gasps desperately to try and get a breath while tears stream freely down her face. She’s going to die alone and Aaron and her son are going to hear it and oh God, Jack is going to be in the house with Foyet and nobody to protect him. Her one job as a mother is to protect her child and she’s going to die a failure. 

They both know what’s going to happen next, but in his own bit of stubbornness, Aaron doesn’t say goodbye. It’s not what she wants to hear, anyway. He decides to give her comfort, a promise that he’ll see through her final wishes, although it’s not the first promise he’s made and broken. Haley wishes she could go out believing him.

BANG

Haley cries out in pain, falling to her knees as white hot pain spreads like a fire through her abdomen. The phone drops out of her hands, but that doesn’t stop her from calling out for Aaron. 

“Aaron… Aaron, help me… Please,” she begs through tears. She wants to hear his voice again, to tell her that it’s going to be okay and that he’s about to burst through the front doors and save her. She wants to hear him say goodbye and that he loves her. 

All she gets is silence from Aaron’s end. The only proof she gets that he’s still on the line is the rumble of the SUV he’s in. Black spots dance in the corners of her vision, so she can only barely make out the Reaper towering above her and the barrel of the gun being pointed towards her face.

Haley calls out for Aaron again, unable to say anything but his name through her sobs. It’s useless to beg for her life, she knows that, yet she still tries. Tries to reach out to him and tell him how sorry she is. Sorry for not being stronger and for not protecting Jack. 

The Reaper raises his gun, and Haley immediately wishes that she had said more to Aaron. She wants him to know that she never stopped loving him and that she doesn’t blame him one bit and that if she had the chance to go back, even knowing how it all was going to end, she absolutely would because Aaron is all—

BANG

[totomoshi]

Everybody Talks

Pairing: Why Don’t We x best friend!reader, Daniel Seavey x reader

Warning: Mentions of depression and death!!

authors note: this idea has been in my head for a few months now and i was a bit hesitant but, here’s my very first attempt of fanfiction based on my ideas. hope you guys love it !

Today was most probably the most boring day in all of the boring days... at least that’s what you thought.

In all honesty, with everything that’s been happening in the world + life making you depressed, you just wanted to go and have fun. Even if sometimes you don’t want to get out of bed and just stay in the comforts of your trusted blanket.

Alas, you know you’ll have to get out for food and water so here you are: lying on the couch for the past 10 minutes, figuring what to do to conquer your boredom. You’d call the boys, but they’re probably at the studio right now, at least that's what Daniel told you anyway.

You've already contemplated on whether just to go for a walk in the park for the needed amount of fresh air, but that meant you’d have to go change and you’re already so comfortable in your worn-out tank top and baggy jeans.

It was another 10 minutes of thinking when suddenly someone knocked on the door of your apartment.

“Who is it?” you asked

“It’s us!! Open up!!”

Wait a minute...that’s Daniel’s voice! But he's supposed to be at the studio...how did he -?

Your thoughts were interrupted by another knock on the door

“Come on y/n!! These snacks and pizzas are heavy y’know?!” Zach whined

‘Is the whole band here??’ you wondered

You decided to find answers of your own and immediately opened the door to find that not 1, not 2 but all 5 members of the boy band outside your door with each member bringing a type of snack, boxes of pizza and... CDs?

“What are you all doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at the studio???” you asked surprised and a bit confused, to be honest

“Well...I- I mean we kinda lied” Daniel chuckled with the usual mischievous glint in his bright blue eyes

You immediately blushed and smiled shyly. It was amazing how with just a glance, this man can turn you into a blushing mess.

“Look, I’m glad that you guys are having a moment and everything but can we come in? Because I wasn't kidding when I said that these snacks and pizza boxes were heavy” Zach whined. Both Daniel’s and I face turned crimson red to that.

“O-oh yeah! Sorry guys, please come in!!” I stuttered as the boys started to scatter around the apartment

“So the five of you still haven't answered my question, what are you doing here??” I questioned

“We heard you weren’t feeling well, that's why we decided to come and check up on you” Jonah spoke up

“It’s okay guys, I can handle it. I’m used to handling this on my own, it will pass. Trust me.” I reassured

“We know, but nobody should be dealing with these types of things alone. We all understand how you feel so trust me when I say for all of us, that we’re here for you. You’re not going through this alone, you have us.” Daniel reassured while looking at me with his soft eyes that radiated a blue so bright that it could give the sea a run for its money.

If you were being honest, you weren't always like this. Usually, you could hold it all in but with your grandfather’s death anniversary coming up and all of your schoolwork increasing, you felt like you were gonna burst. Also, the fact that the boys were all here wasn't making the entire ‘holding it in’ plan promising.

After hearing Daniel's reassurance, you decided to just let it all out and that's how you became a sobbing mess in his arms.

“I-i just couldn't deal with everything you know? With grandpa’s anniversary coming up it's making it a hell lot difficult to be okay. Usually, I could hold it in but I just miss him so much” you sobbed into his hoodie

“Hey there, it's okay. You don't have to hold it in anymore. You have us, remember? We’ll always be here for you” Jack cooed

At this point, you don't even know if it was even possible to die from their purity and love for you.

“Y-you guys are the best. I love you guys so so much” you mumbled while reaching out to form a group hug

“We love you too y/n,” they said

“Yeah, some more than others” Corbyn mumbled which was immediately met with 4 other glares

“What?”

“Uh, nothing!! Nothing at all!” he replied nervously

You just shrugged it off thinking it was some sort of an inside joke between them

“So, what else did you all decided to grace me with? Besides your presence of course,” you asked teasingly

“Well, we knew how much you loved it when I did a cover of Everybody Talks on my Instagram live. So we decided to do the full cover of it, right here just for you” Daniel explained

Excited couldn't even begin to fully explain how you felt during this exact moment. Just to summarise it, your feelings were all over the place. Touched; because you didn't think he listened to your random rants especially the ones about him. Excited; who wouldn't be? You're about to hear your favourite boy band do a full cover of one of your favourite songs!! Then there were other feelings that you didn't think there would be enough words in the English language to describe it.

“Zach! Would you kindly do the honours?” Jonah asked

“It would be my pleasure” Zach jokingly said in a fake posh voice

He then went to your stereo and inserted the Everybody Talks cd. The minute the music started to play, you sat excitedly on the couch as the boys started to sing

Jonah

Hey baby, won't you look my way?

I can be your new addiction

Hey baby, what you gotta say?

All you're giving me is fiction

I’m a sorry sucker and this happens all the time

I found out that everybody talks,

Everybody talks, everybody talks

You were honestly surprised because the minute Jonah started to sing, he pulled you up from the couch to dance with him to match the energetic beat of the song.

Daniel

It started with a whisper

And that was when I kissed her

And then she made my lips hurt

I could hear the chit chat

Take me to your love shack

Mama’s always gotta backtrack

When everybody talks back

Then, you were suddenly whisked into Daniel’s arms which in all honesty you didn’t mind one bit. As he sang the chorus, he looked into your eyes with his signature smile. Even though there were 4 other people in the room, it felt like both of you were the only two people there.

Corbyn

Hey honey, you could be my drug

You could be my new prescription

Too much could be an overdose

All this trash talk make me itchin’

Oh my, my shit

Everybody talks, everybody talks

Everybody talks, too much

When it was Corbyn’s turn, him being Corbyn, he danced goofily around you which made you giggled and you decided to join him and be goofy too.

Daniel

It started with a whisper

And that was when I kissed her

And then she made my lips hurt

I could hear the chit chat

Take me to your love shack

Mama’s always gotta backtrack

When everybody talks back

You didn’t know whether it was your feelings for him or the fact that he was also your best friend, but you couldn't take your eyes off him. It was as if he was an angel that God sent you, he was just so perfect. But watching him dedicating the lyrics to you right now, you knew that whatever hell you go through, at the end of the day he’ll always be there to save you.

Jack

Never thought I’d live

To see the day

When everybody’s words got in the way

Hey

You knew that when it reached Jack’s part, he would back hug you and he did. It was something you two always did as you both were always affectionate with each other.

When the guitar riff started playing, the six of you started to dance like crazy. It was the exact thing you needed, just having fun with your 5 best friends.

Zach

Hey sugar, show me all your love

All you’re giving me is friction

Hey sugar, what you gotta say?

You knew exactly what to do when it was Zach’s turn. The minute he started singing, you climbed on his back which made him stumbled a little. He danced and spun with you on him which made you laugh like crazy.

Daniel

It started with a whisper

And that was when I kissed her

And then she made my lips hurt

I could hear the chit chat

Take me to your love shack

Mama's always gotta backtrack

When everybody talks back

The minute it was Daniel's turn again, he whisked you in his arms and started to twirl you which you didn't even know he could do. That boy’s always full of surprises.

All of you

Everybody talks

Everybody talks

Everybody talks

Everybody talks

Everybody talks

Everybody talks, back

Seeing you dance like that was something Daniel hadn't seen in a while. He was glad that you were smiling because of something he and the boys planned. He would give the world just to make sure you’d never lose your smile. It was 2 years into your friendship when he realised he was hopelessly in love with you. He knew he can't do anything that will risk the friendship that you two have. But seeing you having fun with his 4 best friends made him threw every doubt he had out the window.

‘Oh fuck it’ he thought

Corbyn

It started with a whisper

And that was when I kissed her

Just as Corbyn sang the second line, Daniel went up to you and planted his lips on yours. You? You were surprised. How could you not? The boy of your dreams is kissing you right now!! It took a few seconds but you gladly returned the kiss which made him smiled into the kiss.

After a few more seconds, the both of you pulled apart with huge smiles on your faces.

“I’ve been wanting to do that” Daniel mumbled

“Me too” you grinned

“Nailed it!!” the rest of the boys shouted which made the two of you laughed.

Who knew that dancing to your favourite song could lead you and your best friend to confess your feelings to each other?

[ironmandeficiency]

internal bleeding

pairing: kix / mechanic!reader

word count: 2425

summary: work can be dangerous, even for someone who barely leaves the star cruiser.

a/n: i’m hitting three birds with one stone with this one!! not only is this shitpost prompt #1 AND a separate request i got a few days ago, but the 14th was my bestie @morganas-pendragons​ ‘s birthday!! have a little kix, kayla, as a late bday treat

warnings: getting kinda crushed by a ship, fives being a dumbass

the guys had just arrived back on board the resolute from what you heard was an almost too easy campaign. despite the lower than normal admittances to the medbay, there were still plenty of ships to tend to with varying amounts of damage.

your normal drill on days like this one was to work like hell until kix was relieved of duty for the night, then go with him to his bunk and let the both of you sleep out your exhaustion in the comfort of each other’s arms. the next morning before you were both summoned to your duties would be spent catching up on each other, letting the worries melt away as you chatted about everything and nothing all at once. it was a system that you both adopted soon after you started dating, one that you were extremely grateful for.

it was nights like that where you were able to see your boyfriend vulnerable in a way he couldn’t show often. if the campaign was more rough than usual, then you were able to hold him and remind him just how wonderful of a man he is. you hated to see him hurting but took comfort in the fact you were always able to bring him back to you, back to his brothers.

thoughts of laying in kix’s loving arms keep you blissfully distracted during the later hours, when the rest of your fellow mechanics had already retreated to the bunks for the night. others thought your late hours spent under various ships were because of your dedication to the cause, but they didn’t know about you and kix. you worked hard so your medic was safe, so his brothers were safe.

those reasons were what had you under general skywalker’s delta-7b aethersprite at some unholy hour of the night. your reputation preceded you, and after some good words put in by torrent company, you were able to become the only person besides general skywalker himself allowed to make repairs on it.

it was a strenuous job sure, what with how the jedi knight wore down his ships, but you enjoyed your work and felt honored to be respected at such a high level.

that is, you enjoyed it when the jacks holding the ship up weren’t breaking while you under the damned thing. you heard the telltale creaking of the jacks while your entire body was on the ground below it. you were never more grateful that chet had convinced you to use one of the rollers.

with all the speed your half-conscious body could muster, you walked your feet forward as fast as you could from under the delta and thought you were home free, but then an excruciating pain erupted in your left arm. the ship was on top of the limb and the weight was no pain you’d ever felt in your life. you were certain your scream should have gotten somebody’s attention, but it seems that you’re all alone.

your comm was, unfortunately, on the wrist of your crushed arm and on the off chance that it wasn’t busted beyond repair, you couldn’t communicate with the thing regardless because the buttons were out of reach.

maybe if the surveillance team would see you eventually but you doubted it. there was no way in the galaxy you were going to let yourself be bested by a damn ship though, so you got to yelling for someone to help you and hoped you wouldn’t lose your voice before help came.

--------

“kix, i know for a fact you haven’t slept in at least two days. get your ass outta here or i’m gonna call your girl in here and have her drag you out.”

“i’m not gonna leave when there’s still so much left to do.”

“you’ve done plenty, vod-”

“coric, i-”

kix wasn’t sure who had a hold on his arm but suddenly he was being dragged out of the medbay, and his body was too weak to resist the familiar grip. “vod, you’ve got a pretty woman waitin’ for ya and she’d hate to see you working yourself to death like this. let’s head to the barracks-”

“no,” kix mumbles, “she’s waiting for me in the hangar, it’s what we always do.” to be frank, kix isn’t completely honest how he’s able to form a coherent sentence with how tired he is. fives says nothing, just nods and takes a turn towards where you were waiting.

the closer the brothers got to the hangar, the more they heard it. they weren’t completely sure what “it” was, but it was a little worrying. the noise kept repeating itself and when they were closer, it sounded… human. they were yelling, and were they crying too? it was hard to tell from here.

warning bells were ringing in their heads and any tiredness kix had before was shoved down deep as they ran to investigate the source of the noise.

if you weren’t in so much pain you would have thought to keep track of the time you spent under the ship. your arm was in a strange limbo of total numbness and almost blinding pain and you couldn’t even focus on your surroundings because all of your focus was on the pain.

no one was listening, no one had been for the past however long you’ve been laying there. your throat was raw from screaming and you began to sob, which didn’t exactly help your throat. you weren’t completely certain when your sobbing began to contain cries for help but what you did know was that the longer you were under this ship, the worse the damage would be.

several more minutes of sobbing and screaming and nothing. not a soul cared that you were pinned down. you were doomed to spend the rest of your days under general skywalker’s ship, forever known as the mechanic whose love for her work killed her.

but wait a minute, were those footsteps? or was it the pounding of blood in your ears?

the two soldiers enter the hangar and their eyes nearly fall from their skulls when they identify your body in such a precarious spot under the bright yellow ship

“cyare! sweetheart, what happened?!”

their feet pound hard on the durasteel floor towards where you were pinned, fear the dominant expression on both of their faces. kix has never seen you cry out of something that wasn’t laughter, and he didn’t think he’d ever be ready to see his headstrong cyare temporarily defeated by a hunk of metal.

“kix, help me get this off her!” fives yelling for his help and the sobs from your throat snapped him back to reality as he helped lift the ship just enough for you to move to the side enough to free your arm.

it almost hurt worse now that the weight was gone which made no sense. once you were free, the men dropped it with a clang and kix was immediately hovering over you, examining the wounded limb. he quickly notices the way your veins are swelling and the unnatural angle of your wrist and is brought to two conclusions: there’s some sort of internal bleeding in your arm that needs to be taken care of immediately, and you have a broken wrist.

“what’s the damage?”

“internal bleeding and a broken wrist. could have been worse but this is a bitch of an injury.”

“internal bleeding? isn’t that where the blood’s supposed to be?”

you wanted so bad to laugh at the stupid joke, it was one of the worst ones you’ve ever heard from him. the most you could muster is a sob-laugh accompanied by a shake of your head. you’d give him the proper laughter later when you weren’t in blinding pain.

fives is watching worriedly as his vod unzips half of your jumpsuit, using the sleeves to tie your arm to your torso. he knows that as a mechanic, your hands and wrists are crucial for your job. would you be let go for this? oh gods, what if you had to leave the resolute? kix would be absolutely crushed without you.

whispering a soft apology in your ear, he lifts you into his arms and begins to run to the medbay as fast as his legs could go. the jostling irritated the wound and brought the tears down harder, and with every step kix was cooing gently and giving choked apologies for hurting you.

“i thought i told you to leave, k- holy shit, what happened?!”

“she was working in general skywalker’s delta when the jacks collapsed and the ship fell on her!”

“there’s a free bed over here!”

coric was struggling to comprehend you crying, that just wasn’t something that happened. ever. he would have continued down this rabbit hole of “holy kriff” but kix was beginning to shout orders. he literally just kicked this man out of the medbay moments ago, this isn’t going to fly. not even - no, especially when the patient is his cyar’ika.

coric and fives could tell that kix’s hands were shaking from several feet away. whether it was because of you, his ongoing lack of sleep, or both, neither of them were sure. a silent plan was devised and fives was soon pulling kix backwards away from you. he was struggling in the arc’s hold, yelling about how he had to be there, how he wasn’t going to leave you. coric was then able to bring the needle to his vod’s neck and pushed in the sedative.

fives gently sat his brother in one of the sparse guest chairs and pulled a second chair next to kix’s. you two weren’t going to be alone, not through something like this.

you woke up connected to machines you knew the names of and how to fix, but not why they were attached to you. then you tried to move your arm and you remembered exactly why in seconds, your eyes seeing spots with the pain. it was nowhere near as bad as it was when you were still under the ship, but it was terrible for just waking up.

then you tried to lift your other side and panicked when you couldn’t move your entire right side. that wasn’t where you were hit, what gives? then you recognized the anti-droid aurebesh and lightning bolt designs and let yourself calm down.

it was just kix, and he was curled around you like a tooka kitten trying to steal warmth. his hands held your right one to his chest, his forehead pressing against your shoulder while the rest of his body was curled up to make itself as tiny as possible. even in sleep, kix was always putting your comfort first.

not wanting to wake him, you decided to gently trace the designs in his hair and count down the minutes until you could kiss him like you’ve been wanting to ever since he left for the planet’s surface.

a throat clears from kix’s other side and you poke your head up with confusion. why was fives there? did he even sleep last night? didn’t look like it.

the arc trooper could see the question forming on your lips and answered it before you could say a thing. “i uh, i didn’t want either of you to be alone when you woke up. i hope that’s okay.”

“that’s more than okay, fives. it’s really sweet of you.”

“yeah it was a guessing game as to which one of ya would wake up first,” you raised an eyebrow as to why they’d be unsure of whether you or kix would be up before the other. “he was frantic when we brought you in, nearly punched coric when he told him to move away from you. had to sedate him to get him down.”

you gasped at the revelation and turned to press a soft kiss to your boyfriend’s crown. it was still jarring to know that you had someone that would fight tooth and nail for you, despite having been with kix for nearly a year. but for him to be given a sedative because he was so violent in his need to help you? it was bizarre. violent was never a word you thought would describe kix, but trying to punch his brother seemed to fit under that category.

he stirred next to you and his hands tightened their grip on yours, his forehead pressing a little harder against your shoulder. a few grumbles came from his throat as he awoke, eyelids droopy as he raised his head.

“are you okay, cyare?” this was more like the kix you know, always putting others above himself from the moment he’s awake.

you hummed and continued to trace his lightning, nodding in reply. “yeah, because you saved me.” he smiles and places a gentle kiss in the palm of your hand before lacing his fingers with yours.

“i helped a little, i think.”

“fuck off, fives.” your boyfriend mumbled groggily as he wrapped himself around you, burying his face in your neck.

“i did!”

it hurt a little less to laugh now and your boyfriend seemed to lose a bit of the tension from the night’s previous events. you smiled and felt kix curl even closer to you, legs tangling with yours like they do every time you share a bed. “thank you fives, your heroism is most appreciated.”

kix chuckled into your skin and began to leave soft kisses on the skin there. “now leave us alone, dumbass. i need some time with my girl.”

fives chuckles and rises from the chair that served as his bed the night prior, patting your leg as he walked by the cot you were laying in. “no funny business in the medbay, you two!” he jokingly wagged a scolding finger at you both.

“oh, get kriffed!”

fives’s head was the only thing visible to you now, a smirk on his face in spite of the somber mood he was in prior to your waking up. “that seems to be your goal, vod!”

your medic grabbed the nearest projectile and hurled it at his head, fives yelping as he ducked barely a second before a datapad stylus speared him in the eye. “thought he’d never leave,” kix jokes. you chuckle at the ribbing and let yourself rest. there was a lot of healing to be done before you’d be back to working shape, you knew that, but having your kix beside you would make it all the easier.

happy late birthday, kayla!!! love you bunches!!!

[karlnapity]

we spent two years together, i thought in made her better.

(tws: death, violence, panic attacks)

jack manifold loses his last life on december sixteenth, and he crawls out of hell on the same day.

he has never stood down. he’s a stubborn bastard and he knows that, and he knows that standing against fucking technoblade is a bad idea, and he doesn’t care, because he won’t let him destroy his home.

technoblade looks him in the eye, laughs in his face, and drives an axe down the center of his skull.

>

he doesn’t quite register dying, doesn’t quite register the feeling of falling to the ground. 

he does register pain. he does register overwhelming panic. he comes to laying on the ground, blood stuck to his scalp and in his eyes, rubble scratching his back. 

he keens in pain, sits up slowly. he rubs his eyes, resting his head in his hands. he thinks, dimly, that everything seems dulled. explosions and screams in the background, the feeling of his hands on his face, the chill in the air. he can hardly feel any of it. he edges himself behind a large piece of rubble, safe from the conflict for now.

panic courses through his veins. what happened? 

he grasps at his arms, curling in on himself. everything feels wrong. everything feels wrong.

his breath quickens as he grows hysterical. tears start to fall as he hiccups, and as they trickle down his face he can barely even feel them.

and then it stops.

his hand flies to his throat. he tries to start breathing again, but as the seconds pass he finds he doesn’t even need it.

oh god, he’s dead. he’s really fucking dead. is he a ghost?

“oh god,” he chokes, curling in even further into himself. 

“hello?” someone else’s voice calls. he doesn’t bother sitting up.

“jack?” the voice continues, then, “oh fuck, jack!”

someone touches his arm, and he craves the contact. he can still hardly feel it, but he leans into it, arms wrapping around him and holding him so tight it would probably hurt, before.

“i’m so glad you’re ok,” they whisper. who is it? whose voice is that?

“niki.” his voice sounds raspy, contaminated from smoke and tnt and death.

“yes, yes, i’m here,” she chokes, and he can tell, faintly, that she’s crying. “you’re ok.”

he nods into her shoulder. he wants it to be true, but it can’t be. he can barely hear her over the ringing in his ears.

“i thought you were dead, i’ve been looking for you. how long have you been back here? didn’t you hear me calling for you?”

he almost snorts. what can he say? 

her hand moves from his shoulders, cupping around the back of his head. she massages a thumb over the nape of his neck where she used to when he got upset. her thumb brushes over dried blood and he can feel it flake off. 

her hand stills. “jack, you’re so cold. are you ok?”

he coughs. “i’m sorry, niki.”

he pulls back, looks her in the face. her eyes are sad. 

“jack, please tell me what happened. what’s going on?”

“i died,” he breathes. a shiver runs through him as the realization hits him like a ton of bricks. oh god, he fucking died. he grasps for purchase on her arms, grounding himself as best he can. she grips him back.

a combination of confusion and horror fills her face. “you didn’t have any lives left, how…”

he shakes his head. a hysterical laugh bubbles from his chest. “i don’t fucking know, niki, i don’t fucking know.”

she cups his face then pulls him into a tight hug. “you’re gonna be ok, jack. we’re gonna be ok.”

>

it’s a hard thing, adjusting to death.

for one, he’s constantly cold. not only his temperature, but also his skin. it’s cold, clammy like a corpse. niki says it feels weird, but he can’t exactly tell. he piles on layers, spends as much time as he can in front of the fire and trying to warm the constant chill in his core, but it doesn’t work. 

he doesn’t breathe anymore. occasionally he’ll hiccup or gasp, as if his brain is trying to kickstart his body again, and he’ll sit in silence for a few minutes while nothing but pure panic floods his brain, telling him something is deeply wrong. the first time it happens, tubbo slams on his back thinking he’d choked, and jack devolves into a vicious panic attack before tubbo even has a chance to realize.

he doesn’t need to eat, and he physically can’t sleep. he didn’t realize how much people slept, before, and now he finds himself sitting on the snowchester porch in the early morning and realizing how lonely the world is.

he can hardly feel much of anything, and he can hear even less. his vision’s gone a bit fuzzy, too. it feels like his senses have started closing in on himself, and it’s terrifying.

the others have adapted, and he’s thankful. if niki comes up behind him, she’ll grab his arm hard, and tubbo will usually pinch him or slap the back of his head so he knows he’s there.

he’s decided not to tell tubbo. the kid doesn’t deserve that. he doesn’t need to know, long as jack doesn’t start falling apart like some sort of zombie. he’s pretty sure tubbo just thinks he’s traumatized, or that he’s lost some of his hearing from explosions like tubbo has.

and, well, he’s not exactly wrong.

>

it’s niki who starts it. they’re sitting around the fireplace, jack as close as he can get to try to get rid of the chill, and she says,

“you know, when you think about it, it’s all kind of tommy’s fault.”

resentment has been festering since tommy killed him, so he’s not exactly shocked, just curious. “what d’you mean?”

“he’s caused so much trouble on the server, and now he’s just gotten away with it.” niki sounds angry, and when she sounds angry it’s never good, so he turns to look her in the eye. she’s practically shaking. “he needs to suffer for it like we did.”

when he was alive, he woke up from nightmares almost every night of drowning in lava, of burning while tommy laughed and sneered and laughed, and now it only solidifies. he hates him. 

it’s tommy’s fault he’s dead. if tommy hadn’t killed him, he wouldn’t be dead now. 

niki stumbles to her feet and falls to her knees in front of him, pulling him into a desperate hug. 

he’s not sure if he can cry anymore, but the feeling’s there all the time as he clings to niki, grasping tightly to her shirt, and she pulls his head to her shoulder, curls around him protectively.

they stay there for a long time. every once in a while, niki will murmur an assurance. after long enough the words mutate, transform into something nasty, slimy. 

“he’ll pay for this.”

>

the nukes are divisive. jack doesn’t want tubbo to get hurt. niki doesn’t want jack to get hurt. they both want tommy to get hurt.

he’s not sure when it changed into “kill him.” he’s not sure when it turned from a want to yell, to hit, to wanting to destroy him with nukes, but the anger is fire deep in his chest, the only thing he can feel, and he wants it to continue burning.

niki says she doesn’t want jack to get hurt. 

“it’s not like i can get more dead,” he sneers. he doesn’t want to hurt her. he wants to hurt everyone.

>

tubbo can tell there’s something wrong. he can tell it in the way he rests his hand on jack’s back, even when he can’t feel it, in the way he stays up late and gets up early to spend time with him.

he comes up behind him, early one morning, and wraps his arms around jack’s chest. he buries his head in jack’s back and squeezes him tight. jack jumps at first, but soon relaxes into the content.

he can’t hear tubbo’s sobs, as quiet as they are, but he can almost feel the shaking of his shoulders.

“what’s wrong?” he asks, hesitant in case he’s reading it wrong. tubbo could be laughing, for all his addled senses can tell, but he deep down he knows. he can barely hear tubbo’s reply.

“i’m worried something is going to happen to you.”

something has already happened, he wants to yell. you just missed it.

he knows, faintly, that it’s not tubbo’s fault. tubbo doesn’t know, because he’s never told him, but he wants someone to focus on him, for once. he wants someone to realize, without him telling them. he wants someone to pay attention.

tubbo’s not that person. tubbo has friends, and a nation or two, and a history that extends beyond ‘stay alive.’ 

he pulls away, gently, promises something or other about him being fine, and goes back to planning destruction. 

>

their plan doesn’t work. tommy shows up only thirty seconds late, while the crater is still smoking. 

jack can’t help but feel like the universe is working against him.

niki is fuming. she’s shaking in anger, standing at the edge of the crater and staring at it, and jack goes to put his hand on her shoulder. she pulls away.

>

niki comes to join him on the porch that night. he doesn’t know she’s there until she says,

“why do you spend so much time out here?”

he doesn’t know how to explain that it’s comforting, being out in the cold, alone when he knows everyone is safe inside. he’s become a sentry almost accidentally, taking care of the only two people in the world he still cares about. he doesn’t know how to explain how comforting and devastating it is, and he doesn’t know how to explain that the cold calms him, so he just shrugs. she always understands him, anyways, or so he hopes.

she doesn’t stay outside for long. 

>

he wonders, sometimes, if he’s doing something wrong. tommy and tubbo are still friends, somehow, even after everything. jack doesn’t know how to ask if tommy’s ever apologized. tubbo’s always had a heart too painfully big, so he kind of doubts it. 

tommy’s never apologized to him. he’s not sure if he’d ever accept it.

he watches puffy and niki get pulled apart, and cringes a bit more each time niki comes home crying. he doesn’t know how to ask her if she still thinks they’re in the right. 

he can tell she’s not sure either. maybe none of them are.

>

puffy approaches him one day. it’s her first time visiting snowchester, and her white first gleams in the sunlight reflecting off the snow. he’s at his usual post, and he gives her a half-hearted wave as he sees her.

she returns it, but her face is grim. she comes to stand beside him.

“i know what you’re trying to do,” she says, quietly, and he has to strain to hear her. he pretends he didn’t all the same. 

“sorry. hearing loss.”

she gives him a look, but raises her voice all the same. “niki says it’s a bit more than that.”

he balks, stumbles back a few feet on the wood of the porch and almost his balance. puffy reaches out and steadies him. “pardon?”

“i’m sorry about what happened to you, jack,” she starts. he can’t tell what emotions he’s feeling, but it’s overwhelming. he tries to think of something to say, but she continues before he can force the words out.

her hand on his wrist twists, and he tries to pull it away when he realizes she’s searching for his pulse. she holds on, then her face tightens and she yanks him into a hug.

they’ve had hardly more than two conversations, but he feels safe in her embrace. he holds on tight, and she runs a hand through his short-shaven hair.

“i know you’re hurting,” she says, and he knows he’s made a mistake.

>

jack finds tommy back near l’manburg. it took him a couple more weeks to even gather up the courage, but eventually he spoke to niki. 

he tries not to think about the conversation.

tommy seems surprised to see him, but they settle at the edge of the crater. 

tommy looks better than the last time he saw him. he tries not to be jealous.

“i think i owe you an apology,” he says. tommy balks.

“what? i owe you an apology,” he comes back with. “i fucking killed you!”

“i tried to kill you too,” he starts, but tommy cuts him off.

“it was kinda deserved. can we just agree not to anymore?” he sticks out his hand.

jack smiles. 

snowchester seems warmer, that night.

[ushiwakaout]

A merry little christmas

Iwaizumi x Fem!Reader

Summary: Durring the holidays all of Iwaizumi, Oikawa, Matukawa and Hanakami gathered around with their former teamates, but you, their former manager have been pretty quiet for the past two years. Nothing would go wrong if the main four just happen to come to your home unanounced, right?

word count: 2K +

warnings: some angst? some crack? fluff ending! and bad spelling

On a winter day, Iwaizumi Hajime had been contacted by Oikawa Toru of his sudden holiday arrival and had to pick him up at the airport. “You couldn’t call someone else to pick you up?” He teased, bringing his best friend into a hug. “No one else had answered the phone but you Iwa.” The two laughed into the hug, knowing for fact that, that was not true. “How’s Brazil?” Iwaizumi asked his best friend. “Good! Miss her already. It way to cold in Japan.” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, “I told you, don’t know why you thought a long sleeve and shorts would be a good idea.” He patted Oikawa on the back and pushed him towards his car, “Come on, lets get going, i’m freezing my balls off here.” Oikawa winced at his words, “How vulgar...” He noted before climbing on the passanger seat.

Oikawa arrived late on the 23, meaning that the next morning they would get ready to celebrate christmas. “What are our plans for tonight?” Oikawa asked, blow drying his hair in the bathroom, as Iwaizumi got dressed in his room. “Matsukawa and Hanakami arranged some kind of reunion with the team, we are heading to a bar tonight.”

Oikawa nodded, fixing his har to the side, “It better be fancy.”

And fancy it was. By a miracle, Matsukawa was able to get the last private room due to his good looks (or so he says). Iwaizumi patted him on the back and raised a glass for the small christmas miracle.

Meanwhile you raised the last cup that needed to be cleaned at your local bar. Your christmast miracle was that you had a stable job and where able to leave work early today. “Mori- thank you so much for covering for me.” Mori nodded and patter your hair. “Of course y/n, go on and head home for the night and say hello you your little bug for me.” You nodded and quickly handed him a boxed gift and a kiss on the cheek. “Marry christmas Mori!” You called while running out the door to rush home. 

“Kiyoshi? Where are you bug?” You locked the door behind you and looked around your small apartment. Kiyoshi peeked his head out of his bedroom and his eyes glistened. “Mommy! You’re early!” He cheered running up full sprint for you to pick him up and twirl him around. “Of course! Mommy need’s to shower first and then she’ll start making dinner, alright?” Kiyoshi quickly nodded and ran into the livingroom where he had seemed to be hanging out in until you unlocked the door. You locked yourself in the bathroom and sighed happily, seeing the smile on Kiyos cute little face was enough to brighten your day. You stripped from your clothes and heated up the water for a second before you got in.

“Thank god.” Oikawa cheered as the appetizers came rolling in. “This looks delicious.” He thanked the cute waitress and winked at her. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and smacked him behind the head. “What? Y/n-chan isn’t here to tease so I just picked the next big thing.” All of the teams head popped up at the name. “Y/n- where is she to be exact?” Oikawa asked, and all the boy’s kinda tensed up while looking at Iwaizumi. “What arou guys looking at?”

“IWA-CHAN WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SWEET Y/N?!”

“I didn’t do jack shit!” Iwaizumi barked back before Hanakami cleared his throat. “She’s been hiding from him for the past four years because-” Matsukawa and Kunimi elbowed his hip. “-Ow! Fucking hell-”

“-She has her hands full.”Matsukawa and Kunimi both said at the same time. Iwaizumi raised a brow, what the hell is that supposed to meam? “On christmas? I don’t think so.” Oikawa shook his head and sat up, “Can I get the check please?!” Matsukawas eyes widened and pulled on Oikawas shirt to sit back down, “What are you doing?” He hissed. “Us five are going to see Y/N while the rest enjoy their food, let’s go now.” 

Matsukawa and Kunimi both looked at eachother, the knew for a fact that once they got their- Y/N was gonna give them a good scolding.

“Kiyo! Come on, dinner’s ready!” You carried a hot bowl of soup to his little place on the dinner table and he quickly sat down. “Cold soba noodles?” For some odd reason, Kiyo very much liked to have cold soba on the side and then dip his noodles so they arent super hot. “Thank you momma.”

“Of course bug.” You ruffled his dark hair and kissed the crown of his head. 

You sat down momentarily before your doorbell rang. You rose a brow, the only person that was supposed to be coming was Kunimi and Matsukawa, but not until later tonight. “Y/n-chan! Open the door!” Oikawa sang from the outside and your heart dropped. “C-coming!” 

“Who is it mommy?”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi both rose a brow. “Mommy? Who the hell-”

You swung the door open and smiled, “I’m sorry.” Matsukawa mouthed before giving you a good squeez and slipping past you. “We tried.” Kunimi and Hanakami both muttered, patting you on the back, Kunimi giving your arm a small squeez. “Y/n-chan! Where’s my hug?” You chuckled as he picked you up to twirl you around. “It’s been so long!” You giggled in his ear. “Yeah it has.” The brunett dropped you on your feet and smiled. “You look good, mind if i come in?”

“My home is your home...” Oikawa ruffled your hair leaving you outside the hall with Iwaizumi. The second you had opened the door, he was fasinated by the way you looked. You hair was cleaned up nice and your white sweater dropped close to your chest, complimeting the red necklace you wore. “Hey ‘Waizumi...”

“H-Hi... Hello. It’s been a while.” He tumbled over his words, making you more nervous. He leaned in and gave you a hug. Had your breast gotten bigger from the last time you saw eachother. Iwaizumi fought the urge to squeez you closer to feel you but he could tell that you where a little different. You let go of him and leaned back, “You wanna come in? We go a lot of catching up to-”

“Mommy Uncle Issei is being mean!” You chest thightened before turnign around quickly as if Iwaizumi wasn’t there. “Ah- ah Kiyo, what did I tell you about running.” The little boy that wrapped his arms around your legs peeked up to look at the man who stood in front of your door. “Who’s that?” Kiyo pulled on your jeans before picking him up. “Just a friend bug, come on, ask uncle Kunimi to rough him up, yeah?” Kiyo nodded and pushed himself away from you to jump to the floor and run to Kunimi and then run to punch Issei- before running away giggling and hiding behind Oikawa. “Y/n....” 

Your chest tightened again before turning around to see that Iwaizumis eyes followed Kiyo around the room. “How old is he?” He asked, not knowing if he wanted the answer to be what he thought it was. You sighed and leaned against the neerest wall, smiling at Kiyo as he giggled with Issei. “He just turned four in November.” You muttered, “He’s getting really big- and he’s getting really restless too... He’s been running around trying to fight bugs and get ditry at the park.... He uh- he.....” you chuckled at yourself, “He reminds me of his dad...” You glanced at Iwaizumi who was already looking at you. “Four years.” He spoke, you can see that he had already connected the dotts. 

“Iwaizumi you where leaving to California I couldn’t have-”

“I-I know.... I get it, I just... I just need some time.”

“Iwaizumi-”

“Merry Christmas, Y/n.” Iwaizumi turned around and walked out down the hall towards the exit, leaving you at the front door. You sighed, rubbing the bridge of your nose before entering the door. “Where’s Iwaizumi?” Matsukawa asked with Kiyo upside down in his arms. “He uh- he left... When running out the door, basically.” You laughed sadly. “I shouldn’t have kept it a secret... I’m so stupid.” The four boys heart sank when you began to lightly sob. Kiyo wiggled in Matsukawas arms and ran to bring his small arms around you, “Mommy don’t cry, it’s christmas! No one cries of christmas!” Slowly Kiyo began to cry, “I- I dont wanna see m-mommy c-cry!” He hiccuped, seconds before you picked him up from the floor. “You really are a sponge for emotions huh, kiyo...” The boy began to cry uncontrollably in your arms. “I’m gonna go talk to him.” Matsukawa informed, ruffling Kiyos hair and then kissing your head. “You don’t have to- I know it’s a lot to take in.”

“Y/n you literraly told me the day you gave birth- I think he’ll be fine.” You shook your head at him and continued to coo Kiyo as he calmed down in your arms. “Would you like to inform me into all of this?” Oikawa asked sitting next to you with a soft smile. “Sure...”

While you told Oikawa your side of the story, Matsukawa watched at Iwaizumi paced back and forth otuside in the cold weather. “Iwaizumi-”

“Four years... Four fucking years Issei... She hid this from me.”

“I know-”

“How could she? Four..... What do you mean, you know?”

“I mean, I knew.... I’ve known.... The whole time.” Matsukawa shoved his hands into his pockets. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Matsukawa scoffed, “How could I? She begged me not too because you where out living the california dream while she stayed at home.” Iwaizumi shook his head, he couldn’t even be mad, he was glad you had him to confide to. “The bugger is a lot like you, so don’t worry, she’s not lying.” Iwaizumi laughed, “I knew the second I looked at the kid... Looks exactly like a replica of me and her... just really small.” He laughed again, crounching down on his knees. “I have a kid... I have a fucking kid.”

“You won’t have a fucking kid or a damn partnert who would love you as much as she would- if you don’t go back into her appartment, and tell her that you want to be apart of that kids life.” Matsukawa said, pointing back at the apartment complex. “What if she doesn’t-”

“Stop right there- Iwaizumi, she was crying the second you left... She still loves you-”

“She loves me?”

Matsukawa looked at him widded eyed, “I didn’t say that-”

“You just said she loves me, not LOVED but loves- two completely different things... She loves me?”

“I swear you’re the stupidist mother fucker alive. God she’s gonna hate me and take away my Kiyo rights but.... She’s been in love with you since highschool and-”

“You knew?”

“Yeah... I knew.”

“Issei, your so fucking lucky I don’t punch you right here- right now.”

“I know.....”

The two of them stood quietly before Iwaizumi pulled him into a hug. “Thank you for taking care of her... I don’t deserve this.” He muettered a Matsukawa scoffed, “You absolutely don’t.... But I’m sure she’s willing to give you a chance.”

Iwaizumi and Matsukawa walked back to the apartment with minimal chatter before they stood back in front of her door. When the walked in, Oikawa, Hanakami and Komori laughed to themselves quietly as you sat in front of the christmas tree with a dead asleep Kiyo in your arms. Matsukawa looked at the three and nodded to them, they caught on and once walking out the door, patted Iwaizumi for some sort of confidense. You turned and caught a glance at Matsukawa before the closed the door, he winked at you and mouthed ‘good luck’ before dashing out.

 Iwaizumi slowly made his hay towards you and sat down... “So... He’s my kid?” You lightly glared at him. “Sorry, I- I had to ask.”

“I think you know the answer.”

“Y/n-”

“You don’t have to stay... I know Cali-”

“I’m not going back to California, y/n... And if you’d let me... I’d like to say.”

Your chest thightened up like the first time you saw him at school... His green eyes where inticing as ever. “I’d- I.... I’d like that.” You felt a wiggle on your shoulder. “Does this mean I get a dad for christmas?” Kiyo muttered lazily, rubbing his eyes from being in a deep sleep. “Kiyo! What did I tell you about snooping?”

“Don’t do it... Unless it’s juicy?”

“No Kiyo-”

“What the hell have you been teaching him?”

“That wasn’t me! Matsukawa comes over way too often and teaches him this shit.”

“Shit!”

“NO! KIYO! BAD MOUTH! I’m gonna put soap in your mouth mister!”

“MMMMM... SHIT!”

“Oh god....” Kiyo rushed out of your arms and ran hiding into his room before yelling shit one more time. “I’ll just blame it on Issei...” You laughed, looking back at the christmas tree. “Speaking of Issei... He told me something while he came out?”

“Did he finally tell you that I love you?”

“No he.... What did you just say?”

“I love you? You really didn’t know? I thought I was being blunt in highschool?” Iwaizmi shook his head. “God, you’re so stupid... I hope Kiyo doesn’t have your thick skull.” The two of you sat in silence. “I’m sorry I hid him for so long... If it weren’t for this, I think I would have never told you....” Iwaizumi rose a brow, “Really?” You nodded, “Um... Issei was doing a pretty good job being his dad for the time being..... I think he told Kiyo about you, he just knows how to pretend really well thanks to him...”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” Iwaizumi apologized, reaching out for your hand and kissing your fingers. “I wasn’t your fault... you didn’t know.” You informed, “But I know now and I’m not going anywhere.”

You smiled softly at him as he kissed your cold fingertips again, “Merry Chirstmas Hajime....” A blush crept on his tan skin, it’s been a while since you called him by his first name. “Merry christmas Y/N.”

a/n: definetly didn’t go as planned but I wanted to put something out for christmas :)

[hawkbucks]

I don't even remember if I reposted it, but here's the WinterIron fake dating AU that I found on my disc drive. I combined all the posts in one; where there's a divider, that means it was a new post.

Lotta fake dating fics have Tony be the one who asks Bucky and I love it, but also: Bucky being the one asking Tony?

Like, maybe Rebecca is getting married and she asks him “are you bringing anyone?” with the most hopeful look on her face.

Bucky sorta bluescreens and stutters out a “yeah” because he knows Rebecca really wants to see him with someone and happy, but he’s only really been focusing on his studies instead of his social life.

She smiles and claps her hands together, exclaiming her excitement to meet Bucky’s date! Meanwhile, Bucky is panicking on the inside.

He could ask Steve, considering that he and Steve are best friends and no one would really question them getting together, but there’s also the fact that Rebecca knows Steve better than Steve probably knows himself and would tell they’re faking right off the bat.

There’s Sam who, despite their teasing relationship, they really do like each other. He wouldn’t have too much of a problem bringing Sam around if he doesn’t already know that Sam would hang this over his head for the rest of his life and all but force Bucky to buy him food and clothes and stuff to repay him, and that’s not even talking about the endless teasing.

There’s Sharon, but she wouldn’t agree. She’d just roll her eyes and call him dramatic. It’s a fair judgement.

There’s Natasha, and they’ve actually dated before and that would be awkward. “Oh yeah, the girl I used to date back when I was a sophomore in high school and I are back together again!”

He still ends up texting Steve and explaining his dilemma and please, Steve, do you know anyone?

Steve tells him he’s an idiot which, fair, yeah, but then he tells Bucky that he knows a guy, cute, your type, I can give him your number. Then he sends Bucky a photo of himself and some other guy with brown hair and pretty eyes and dimples, what the fuck.

Please give him my number.

I can feel your thirst, Steve texts. Disgusting.

So, he brings Tony (all it took was confirming that there was going to be food and that yeah, they have salmon as a menu item, is that what you want me to pick?), and Tony’s a hit! He’s charming, polite, and pretty cute to boot.

Then Rebecca corners Bucky during the reception while Tony’s getting some cupcakes and Bucky immediately jumps to the conclusion that Rebecca figured out that they’re not actually dating and she’s about to tear him a new one, but she smiles and gives him a bear hug. “Your boyfriend is a sweetheart,” she gushes, “and I’m glad you brought him along. And, you know, Robert and I are having a party for Thanksgiving. Maybe you two would like to come?”

And the only thing that runs through Bucky’s head is shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit—

Bucky can’t handle these feelings. He just can’t. It’s too much too soon, and the intensity at which he feels them is both overwhelming and terrifying to him, especially since he and Tony haven’t even known each other for that long.

During the party, Tony really pushes the act. He takes Bucky’s arm and places it around his shoulders, feeds Bucky some pumpkin pie, blushing when Rebecca coos at the both of them, and even sits on Bucky’s lap when everyone heads to the couch to catch the recording of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade that Rebecca set.

And Bucky desperately wishes it was all real. He wishes that Tony really is in love with him as opposed to doing this to help out. He’s never felt warmer than when Tony smiles at him, bright and genuine and making him ache all over. He knows that his feelings are only going to keep snowballing and snowballing until he can’t take it anymore and snaps and confesses to Tony, and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Tony to feel obligated to go out with him. He doesn’t want Tony to feel like he’s being put on the spot.

Tony cuddles closer to him, whispering about how the Snoopy float looks really cute. He chokes down a sob and responds with “yeah, doll, it does”.

Bucky drives Tony home. He always does. It’s the least he can do. “So, when are you going to need a boyfriend again?” Tony teases, feet up on the dashboard. They’re already at Tony’s apartment complex, but Tony, infuriatingly attractive Tony, insists on talking to him. “If you’re swinging by Becca’s for Christmas, I can come with you.”

He doesn’t respond, instead choosing to continue looking ahead and squeezing his hands on the steering wheel. “Hey, you alright?” Tony asks softly and, god, he wishes Tony wasn’t the way he was.

Rip it off. Like a band-aid. C’mon, Barnes. “It’s fine. I’ll just tell her we broke up.”

“What?” Tony’s voice wavers, an undercurrent of hurt swimming below that one word. Bucky hates himself for it. “Did I do something wrong? At the party? I—”

Bucky sets his jaw, looking at Tony (and wishing he didn’t because Tony actually looks devastated). “We were never really together, Tony. Don’t act like it matters.”

He hears a hitch in Tony’s breath. He looks away. “Yeah, I guess it doesn’t.” Tony unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the car door. “Maybe this is why you don’t have an actual boyfriend.” It hurts, but it’s better that Tony leaves hating him because he can’t imagine the breakdown he’d have if Tony kept coming around with those kicked puppy eyes of his and asking why Bucky has been avoiding him.

Tony walks into his apartment complex without looking back.

Bucky thinks he needs to get drunk.

And that’s how Steve finds him. Completely sloshed, half-sitting half-lying on the couch with red-rimmed eyes and a tear-stained hoodie. “St’ve,” he slurs, lifting his bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Steve sighs. “What, did Becks show everyone your baby pictures again?”

Bucky shakes his head. “Fucked up.”

“Yeah, I can see that. At least save some of that for me.”

He shakes his head again. “Tony hates me.”

Steve freezes, halfway through shucking off his jacket. “What did you do?” He looks at Bucky with that Disappointed Parental Stare of his.

“He hates me.” Bucky feels himself start to tear up again as he reminds himself that he won’t be able to see Tony again. Won’t be able to breathe in the comforting smell of that vanilla and cinnamon lotion that he’s so fond of. “Made ‘im hate me.”

“Why in the hell would you do that?” Steve gets his jacket off this time, throwing it on the hook and not paying it any attention when it slips off and falls to the floor with a thud.

“Don’t know.” Which is a lie. He knows why. He just doesn’t want to face it.

“No, no, you don’t get to feign ignorance.” Steve walks over and takes the bottle from him, ignoring Bucky’s protests and whines and taking a few swigs of his own. “I’ve only seen you get this drunk twice before: the first was when you and Nat broke up and you broke into your dad’s liquor cabinet, and the second was when you came home from the army. Considering I don’t see your fatigues with you—”

Bucky growls weakly. “Shut up, Steve—”

“Then stop pushing people away,” Steve growls right back. “You fix this.”

“We didn’t ev’n know each other that long—”

“No, you might not have, but if you’re sitting here on our couch, drunk off your ass ‘cause you think he hates you, that means something. Fix. This.”

Then Steve’s phone goes off. He sets down the Jack and he fishes his phone out of his pocket. A swipe, and it’s unlocked. He snorts, shaking his head. “You know who just texted me?”

Hope. “Tony?”

“No. His best friend. You want to know what it says?”

Bucky doesn’t think his answer matters much. Something tells him Steve will tell him even if he says no. “Go.”

Steve clears his throat. “’Hope your buddy is happy. Tony won’t stop crying.’ Then some middle finger emojis. Seven of them, to be exact.”

Bucky sinks further into the couch, his stomach twisting into knots and nausea rising up his throat now that he knows Tony is crying and he’s the reason why. He makes a swipe at the Daniels, but is unable to reach far enough. “You gon’ reply?” he croaks.

“Oh, yeah. I’m gonna tell him that you’re being miserable, too. And that you’re an idiot.”

Bucky grunts.

“It’s for your own safety. Believe me, if he thinks you’re getting your jollies from this, he’ll send you on a one-way ticket to hell.”

He grunts again. That’s only mildly terrifying. And probably not even close to what he thinks he himself deserves. “You gon’ leave?”

“Yes. And I’m taking this—” Steve picks up the Jack— “with me.”

True to his word, Steve leaves with the bottle of Jack.

Bucky sits up and uses the sleeves of his hoodie to dry his eyes. He tries to keep quiet as he sobs.

The next day, he goes out, stretches his legs after spending the entire night on his couch. He contemplates going to visit Tony and beg for his forgiveness, but it’s… it’s probably too soon. He’ll just wait. In the meantime, he picks up a plush of Snoopy holding a heart. It’s cute.

1 week. He thinks he’ll wait a little more.

2 weeks. Maybe just a bit more.

(Rebecca calls. Asks him about Tony. He says that they broke up. She only replies with a small I’m sorry. It was clear that you two loved each other.

He bites his lip so hard that he tastes copper.)

3 weeks. It’s just a bit before Christmas. Steve comes into his room. “Rhodes texted me. He said Tony admitted that he wants to see you again. Apparently he passed on my word that you were being pretty gloomy about it too.”

Bucky fidgets on his bed. “So, what, I’m just supposed to roll up on his apartment with some flowers and chocolate?”

“Sarcastic bastard,” Steve mutters, although there’s no real venom behind his words. “It’d be a start.”

Bucky thinks for a second. He gets up and starts rifling through his closet. “Alright. Leave so I can change.” Thankfully, Steve obliges. Bucky tucks the Snoopy into his backpack.

He picks up some Ferrero Rocher. He remembers Tony eating them by the handful at the reception. It’s packaged in a transparent box shaped like a heart. For the flowers, he picks up some red roses, the classic choice. He even gets a card that says “I’M SORRY!” with a picture of a sad-looking cat on it.

“Girlfriend troubles?” the cashier asks as they ring him up.

“Boyfriend, actually,” he replies, surprised at how easily that rolls off his tongue.

They hum. “Hope it gets better soon, man.”

He hopes so too. “Thanks.”

Somehow, he manages to make the drive to Tony’s apartment without crashing the car. 6339. He remembers Tony telling him his apartment number if he ever wanted to come up and visit. Looks like he’s finally taking him up on that offer.

Before his nerves can take over and tell him to run and maybe flee the country, he takes the elevator up after explaining to the concierge that he’s there to visit a friend. He knocks on Tony’s door, holding the flowers up in front of his face, the Snoopy plush sitting on top of them along with the card. The box of chocolates he holds behind his back.

When he hears the door open, he pulls the flowers down just enough to see over them. “Hi.”

“Bucky,” Tony breathes out. He looks like he’s about to start crying again, clad in his donut-patterned pajama pants and an oversized shirt that advertises a noodle place that Bucky passed on his way. (Seriously. So many tears!) “Why’re you here?”

“To say sorry.” Bucky holds the flowers out.

“What you said really hurt,” Tony says, voice cracking, but he takes the flowers. “You got me a Snoopy?” He takes the plush off of the bouquet and smiles softly at it before looking back up at Bucky, expression holding cautious hope. He places Snoopy back in the bouquet.

“I know. I’m sorry. I was… I don’t know, scared. Not that I’m tryin’ to come up with an excuse for myself, but… you know.” He shows Tony the chocolates this time.

“Scared?” Tony takes the chocolates like he took the flowers.

“I really like you, Tony. I was thinking about asking you out for real after the party,” Bucky admits, looking Tony in the eye and hoping that Tony can see that he’s being genuine. His palms start getting clammy. Is the temperature rising or is it just him? “And I was scared.”

“Why?” Tony asks, sounding on the edge of desperation. “Why were you so scared you couldn’t just tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to feel obliged to say yes.”

Tony tilts his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed as a frown tugs at his lips.

Bucky begins to regret his answer. Obviously it isn’t one that Tony likes.

“Is that it?” Tony sounds gentle. So gentle. “I like you too, you know. And you know I’m not a pushover. If I didn’t want to go out with you, I would’ve told you that.”

“I know. I know, but I never said my mind was good at thinking rationally.” The corner of Bucky’s mouth quirks up at the self-deprecation.

“Mine isn’t either.” Tony places the chocolates with the card and the Snoopy in the bouquet, using that now free hand to wipe at his eyes. His sniffles. “And I have to apologize too. For what I said before I left your car.”

“It’s fine, Tony—”

“No, it’s not. It was such an asshole thing to say.” Tony sounds upset on Bucky’s behalf.

“I made you angry.”

“That didn’t give me the right to imply that you’re unlovable.” Tony stares at him in silent challenge. Try and refute me, his eyes say. “I’m sorry.”

Bucky shakes his head, knowing there’s only one way to end this. “I accept your apology.”

“And I accept yours.” Tony smiles at him, nose tinged with pink, and a burst of warmth spreads in Bucky’s chest. It’s gratifying to see that smile directed his way again. He just might join Tony in sniffling if this continues.

Tony reaches out to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together. “Why don’t you come inside? I can make you some coffee.”

“I’d like that,” Bucky says, squeezing Tony’s hand once. “I’d like that a lot.”

—

If you guys are curious, I listened to this song on repeat while doing this lol. (The link should lead to a video with the English translation!)

[haidyn-reeves]

The Thought of Losing You

Summary: This is my spin on 14.02 (Gods and Monsters) and 14.11 (Damaged Goods). 

Prompt: “The thought of losing you scares the shit out of me.”

Pairing: Dean x Female!Reader

Warnings: Season 14 spoilers. Lots of profanity, lots of angst, dollop of fluff.

Word Count: 5,315

A/N: This is my entry for Sabrina @winchesterxfamilybusiness​‘s 250 Followers Writing Challenge! This was my first time writing for Supernatural and ever posting anything I’ve ever written. I hope you like it!

Y/N knew she wasn’t supposed to fall in love with Dean Winchester, but her brain and her heart weren’t exactly on the same page.

There were only so many times she could watch the man she loved and idolized sacrifice himself as if his own life was meaningless. Every time she lost Dean, the pain became more and more unbearable. She grew up alongside the Winchesters, her grandfather being one of the men John Winchester learned his tricks and skills from when he was younger. His dying wish was for John to protect her, and when he passed years later, that duty was passed down to Sam and Dean. The pair didn’t mind, she was family to them. Sam liked being a big brother to someone for a change, and Dean welcomed the days when she would spend time with them so he had someone other than Sam to hang out with. 

It was safe to say Y/N had been there through everything. She was there when Sam died and when Dean made the crossroads deal. She was there when the hellhounds dragged him to hell and when he made his miraculous return months later. She watched the Mark of Cain change him in ways she never imagined, and then hid from his demon alter-ego when he tried to kill her and Sam in the bunker. 

The point is, she was there for every high and low, and she wasn’t sure she had the capacity to handle another low.

In the most cliche turn of events, Y/N developed feelings for the older brother over time. How could she not? He looked after her more than her own father the majority of the time. She idolized him from a young age, thought he was so cool, felt the most at ease around him. Dean was always there and Y/N had no choice but to fall for him, and hard. Of course, in another cliche fashion, she couldn’t dare tell him. He was her best friend and he certainly could do better than what she had to offer. 

The most recent predicament was Michael, the Archangel from another universe who wormed his way into their world with Lucifer. Selfishly, Y/N was relieved when their world’s Michael stopped trying to convince Dean to be his vessel and the angels stopped pursuing him, though she felt bad for Adam. She never imagined she’d find herself in this situation: Dean, saying yes to this new Michael, in order to save his brother and Jack from Lucifer.

Dean dismissed her when he sent Bobby and Mary to the garage. She begged him to let her stay, to let her help, and of course not to do anything stupid, but Bobby pulled her away as soon as Dean’s jaw clenched and that look crossed his handsome face. Usually she could win, that look would fade and he’d be putty in her hands. In that moment, she was scared of him, because the look resembled the murderous glare his demon self threw her way seconds before narrowly missing her with that forsaken hammer.

When Sam and Jack returned to the bunker without Dean, Y/N’s heart stopped and her breath hitched in her chest, a clockwork reaction any time something terrible happened to him. 

“N-no,” she whimpered, looking at Sam through blurry eyes as the tears threatened to fall.

“I’m so sorry,” he muttered, finding it hard to watch her break over his brother yet again. “Michael…he tricked him and…”

“He disappeared,” Jack sighed. The room began to spin as the dizziness washed over Y/N. She fumbled in place, clutching the back of the chair in front of her at the war table, Sam rushing to her side and gathering her into his arms. 

“We’re gonna find him honey,” he whispered, though he wasn’t sure if he was trying to reassure himself or her. He squeezed her tighter as she sobbed into his flannel, wishing he could do more. He wasn’t Dean, he didn’t have the same connection with her as his brother did, and he hated that there was nothing more he could do for her. 

That was almost two months ago.

Over the last nearly eight weeks, Y/N battled between wanting to go out and look for Dean and succumbing to the intense sadness and anxiety over the loss of the older Winchester. She knew she should be out there looking for him, helping Sam, Mary and Bobby. She wasn’t sleeping, and when she did she was plagued with dreams of Michael torturing Dean, because that was all she could think about during the day. She snapped at Jack when she overhead him talking to Castiel in the kitchen during one of the few times she left her room for food. As soon as she heard the words “Dean doesn’t matter” leave the nephilim’s lips, she was at his throat.

“How dare you,” she began, her voice low and shaking as the anger pulsated through her veins. “How dare you say that, considering you wouldn’t fucking be here if not for Dean. He’s done nothing but protect you and give you a home, and you go and say he doesn’t matter? That is his body. He is a prisoner in his own body. He’s trapped in there-“

“Y/N-“ Castiel started. Y/N whipped her head around, glowering at the vessel before her.

“NO, Cas. What he said was un-fucking-called for.” She turned back to the nephilim, disappointment and anger evident on her face. “Look, kid. The world would not be the way it is right now if not for Dean fucking Winchester. He may not matter to you, but he sure as hell matters to me.”

Since then, Jack kept his distance. He never saw Y/N as upset as she was in that moment, and he still didn’t understand why she was so mad at him, because in his mind, he was right. Michael was the enemy, Michael needed to go, Dean be damned.

Sam was growing more and more concerned for Y/N as time went on without any sign of Dean. He knew she wasn’t sleeping, having been the one to wake her from her nightmares and stay with her until she drifted back into a restless sleep, if her mind even allowed it.

“You don’t have to stay with me,” she mumbled one morning when Sam brought her a mug of tea. “I know you want to be out looking for him.”

“I’m leaving in a little bit, do you want to try and come with me?” She shook her head, her eyes again welling up with tears. How she had any left was beyond her. “Its okay, honey. You should try and rest anyway. You’ve had a rough few weeks-“

“But I’m a hunter, Sam. I know better than to act like this. I should be out there looking for him, he’d do the same if it was me-“

“You may be a hunter, but that doesn’t mean you’re not human, Y/N/N. You still have feelings, emotions, and we both know you have very…specific feelings towards Dean. This wasn’t a hunt gone wrong, Dean is missing and you’re hurting because you love him. What you’re feeling, what you’ve been feeling, that’s heartbreak. It’s crippling and it’s brutal and until he’s back, it’s not gonna go away.”

“What if he doesn’t come back Sam?” She hated how small her voice sounded, she couldn’t even deny her feelings to his face. At this rate, every additional body in the bunker had to know she was in love with Dean.

“He’s Dean. He’s died, been dragged to hell…he’s not gonna let some dick angel keep him away from us.” Y/N nodded weakly. “Are you going to tell him?”

“Sam-“

“You have to tell him, Y/N. He has a right to know, he needs to know, maybe then he’d stop sacrificing himself-“

“Your brother wouldn’t know what to do with himself-“

“True, but he’d be happy, with you. He adores you. He deserves to be happy.” Y/N tilted her head to the side, eyebrows cocked. “You know I’m right.”

“We’ll see.”

Sam sighed, pecking her forehead before getting off the bed. “I’m gonna head out, you need anything, you call, yes?” She nodded. “Be good, no yelling at any nephilims today.”

“He deserved it-“

“I know.”

One of the things Y/N wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to was the amount of people now residing in the bunker since coming from the other world. She missed the peace and quiet, but she was extra thankful that her bedroom, like Dean’s, was tucked away from the action. Sure, the bunker was large enough to accommodate the newcomers, and they were all quickly catching on as new hunters, but she longed for the days when the bunker was more of a secret hideaway, not a community center.

In the time Dean was gone, Y/N treated his room like the West Wing. She made sure no one besides herself or Sam ever went in, on the days she got out of bed anyway. Her room was down the hall from his, and since the hallway was generally empty, she could immediately hear when someone was entering his room. The door had a slight creak when it pushed open slowly enough, but Dean insisted he liked it. It sounded “homey.” So when she heard that familiar creak and knew Sam wasn’t home yet, her body was out of her bed and moving down the hall before her mind could register she was even upright. Her feet carried her to the door with the pretty golden eleven, finding it open. She felt her blood run cold as she stepped over the threshold of the room, ready to deliver a verbal beating to whoever dared enter this room of all rooms, before her breath hitched in her chest and she found herself staring at the back of the man she was waiting for.

“D-Dean?”

His shoulders visibly relaxed at the sound of her voice and he turned around, his olive eyes welling up with tears as he took in the sight of her. She was clutching the doorway, her body swimming in his red flannel, dark circles under her pretty eyes as she choked out a sob upon seeing him before her.

“Hi sweetheart,” he whispered, opening his arms as she flung herself forward, crashing against his chest. Her body again shook with sobs as she clutched at the white dress shirt adorning his shoulders, her face buried into the middle of his chest. His arms wrapped around her as he struggled between squeezing her against him and holding her fragile body against his own. Her sobs were muffled screams and he cringed, hating that once again he was the reason she was breaking this badly. He finally allowed his tears to flow and soon he was crying into her hair while trying to calm her down.

“You miss me?” He asked some moments later once her breathing returned to normal and her body stopped shaking.

“No,” she weakly deadpanned, still morphed into his chest. His fingers danced up and down her spine in gentle patterns as he chuckled, placing a kiss to the top of her head. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know, he just…left.”

“He better fucking stay gone,” she growled, “or at least find a new vessel. Got a few ideas.” Dean laughed softly and she pulled back to look up at him, raising her eyebrows. “You think I’m joking?”

“No ma’am.” 

She glared at the term, her eyes growing wide. “Why didn’t Sam call me to tell me he found you?”

“Surprise?” He grinned sheepishly. “He said you were probably resting and didn’t want to wake you. He…he told me how you’ve been the last few weeks and sweetheart, I’m not upset. I’m upset at how much of a toll this took on you but I’m not upset that you weren’t looking for me.”

“I’m sorry Dean, I wanted to-“

“I know, Y/N. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I understand. You were struggling, I couldn’t expect you to push yourself.”

She looked down, still feeling embarrassed over the situation. “I’m sorry for barging in, too. I thought someone was in here that wasn’t you and I got so upset-“

“It’s okay,” he smiled, “I half expected you to be in here waiting for me.”

She blushed and Dean grinned, hugging her to him again. “You probably want some alone time, I should let you get settled in but I really don’t feel like leaving your side at the moment.”

“I’m gonna take a quick shower and I’ll be right back, okay? Promise.” His green eyes were boring into her own, his words serious as the rolled off his tongue. She nodded and he smiled gently, kissing her head again before grabbing his clothes and heading down the hall towards the large communal bathroom.

While Y/N waited, Dean let the hot water run down his tired body, scrubbing his skin raw as he tried to get any trace of the Archangel off of him. He didn’t understand why Michael suddenly left the way he did, but he wasn’t about to get his hopes up that he had seen the last of the celestial being. He stood under the water as his own tears of frustration fell from his eyes. He was angry that he was taken advantage of, tricked into being the vessel for more than he bargained for. He hated feeling like a prisoner in his own body, own mind, not knowing exactly what was going on around him as Michael took control. He missed his brother, his girl, even if she wasn’t officially his. Y/N was everything to him, and after some convincing on his part, Sam revealed that he was everything to her as well. It happened on the drive home when he realized she wasn’t with Sam, and he immediately panicked thinking something had happened to her.

“She’s at the bunker, Dean. She…she hasn’t been doing well.”

“What’s wrong with her?” He breathed, his body going rigged on the passenger’s side of the bench seat.

“She’s just been taking your…disappearance the hardest out of everyone. She doesn’t sleep, she barely eats, she bit Jack’s head off.”

“What did he do?” Sam didn’t want to repeat the words Jack had uttered, because in truth, they pissed him off as well. He couldn’t bring himself to say the words and cause Dean more hurt, he carried enough pain already.

“He said something she didn’t like, honestly he deserved it. She was defending you.” Dean blushed softly, picturing Y/N turning into the spitfire she could be, all because of him. “You know Dean…”

Dean looked at his brother, confused, “Sammy?”

“I shouldn’t,” Sam stopped himself, knowing he was about to break Y/N’s trust.

“You already started.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to Y/N.”

“I won’t say anything, just tell me.”

“She…the reason she was so bad the last few weeks, is because she loves you. Has feelings for you. And you being gone, not knowing where you were, it visibly was destroying her.”

Dean’s eyes widened and his heartbeat sped up in his chest. “She can’t-“

“Why not? Haven’t you seen the way she looks at you, man? She looks at you like you hung the damn moon for her.”

Dean shook his head. “Loving me comes with a price, one she shouldn’t have to pay. It puts a target on her back and she doesn’t deserve that.”

“Dean, it’s pretty obvious you feel the same way she does, you’re being ridiculous. She makes you happy, man. You deserve something good, and Y/N is good.”

Dean wasn’t going to act on this new information, not until he knew Michael was done with him, for good. He couldn’t stomach Y/N hurting over him anymore. Once he knew Michael didn’t have a use for him any longer, he could approach her about the mutual feelings between them. Of course Dean reciprocated them. How could he not? Y/N was beautiful, funny, intelligent. She was everything he could hope for, plopped into his life all those years ago. He raised her to be the third best hunter in the world. She was perfect for him, but he couldn’t put her in danger by simply loving her back.

For a little while, things seemed to be looking up, which was consequently never a good sign when it came to the Winchesters. Just when they thought Michael was possibly out of their lives, he snuck back in and invaded Dean’s personal space all over again. With help from Sam, Y/N and Cas, he was able to take control and lock Michael away in his mind. The problem was, Dean felt like there was a toddler banging on a drum set living in his head. Michael was constantly making a racket, leaving Dean with a perpetual headache while he tried to block out Michael’s incessant demands to be let out of the “cage” Dean locked him away in. It was during this time that Dean made the painful decision to never act on his feelings for Y/N. He wasn’t sure how long he’d survive with Michael taking up residency in his mind, nor did he have any way of knowing that Michael wouldn’t hurt her. 

Sam and Y/N became suspicious when Dean decided he wanted to visit Mary, alone. Since being back, Dean rarely had alone time, though if he was being honest, he didn’t mind at all. In fact, he welcomed the company. Company kept his mind off the tenant upstairs. He spent most of his time resting before Sam decided he could go back out on hunts, and resting usually meant cuddling with Y/N and watching copious amount of Netflix. He was struggling, but he wanted to make sure she was okay as well.

Y/N was reluctant to let Dean go visit Mary alone. When she expressed her concerns for the older Winchester to Sam, Sam agreed that something wasn’t right and the pair decided to make their own drive to Donna’s cabin. 

Which is how Sam and Y/N found themselves standing across from Dean in Donna’s shed, an ominous metal coffin of sorts on the workbench before them.

“What the hell is this?” Y/N asked, her eyes fixed on Dean.

“This is how I’m going to get rid of Michael,” Dean explained, failing to make eye contact in return.

“This isn’t what I think it is,” Sam glowered, beginning to understand what his brother was getting at.

“Someone better explain what the hell this is,” Y/N urged, agitated.

“This is a Ma’lak Box,” Dean began, Sam sighing in anger. “It’s warded to keep an angel inside…including an Archangel.”

“Okay…so how are you gonna get Michael into the box?” Y/N asked, oblivious to the elephant that was in the shed.

“Michael is…inside me. In order to get Michael into the box, I have to get in,” Dean muttered.

“NO!”

“Its the only way-“ 

“BULLSHIT. There is ALWAYS another way!”

“NO THERE ISN’T,” Dean yelled back, “I can feel him breaking free. I can’t hold him much longer, this is the only way, Billie showed me-“

“Dean, we can figure this out. There has to be something else,” Sam tried to reason with his brother. “What happens when you’re in?”

“The plan is to be dropped into the Pacific and buried-“

“The fuck you will,” Y/N seethed. “NO. You’re not doing this.”

“This is why I didn’t tell either of you, you’re the only ones who could try and talk me out of it.”

“So you were just going to disappear again? Be buried alive without a goodbye? Expect us to be okay with this?” Sam was amazed at how dense Dean could be sometimes.

“I said my goodbyes back at the bunker,” Dean sighed. Y/N was staring at him in horror, still trying to process that once again, she’d be losing Dean, but this time for good. Dean looked at her and cringed. “Please say something.”

“You stupid son of a bitch,” she fumed. “You’re so hellbent on sacrificing your own life for the greater fucking good because you’re convinced your life doesn’t mean anything. Well guess what! Your life may not mean something to you but it means everything to me. You don’t have to do this, we can find another way. Fuck what Billie has to say, there is no way this ends with you buried at the bottom of the fucking ocean.”

“I have to do this-“

“No, you don’t,” Sam argued. “We can find something else Dean, anything else, something that keeps you alive, with us.”

“Do you think I want to do this? To either of you? I HAVE to do this. I don’t have a choice-“

“YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. YOU TAUGHT ME THAT,” Y/N screamed, the anger simmering under her skin.

“Look, I’m not exactly looking forward to this, okay? I’ve made up my mind, you both need to accept it.”

“We…we have to accept it? Accept that you’re going to be buried in this…this box…with a murderous archangel hitching a ride in your head? Are you out of your mind?” Y/N was amazed at how Dean was so calm about this. “You expect Sam to just let you go? I clearly don’t mean enough to you for you NOT to do this but at least think of your brother.”

“You know that’s not true,” Dean groaned.

“Could’ve fooled me,” she spat, rolling her eyes.

“This won’t solve anything,” Sam barked, shooting a glare to both of them. “You’re not getting in the box, we’ll figure something else out but right now, this discussion is over.”

“You think this is up for debate, Sammy? It’s not-“

“I said, this discussion is over. We will have this conversation when we get home, when we can get Jack and Cas’ input-“

“Oh yeah, let’s clue the nephilim in to the plan,” Y/N snarled, “after all, Dean matters oh so much to him anyway.”

“Excuse me?” Dean glared.

“Forget it,” she mumbled, “I need some air.” She turned on her heel and left the shed, the sight of the box now making her stomach turn. She made her way back to the cabin, hiding around the back out of sight before she allowed herself to slide down the wall into a fit of angry tears. Dean was going to leave her, again, and this time he couldn’t come back. How was she ever going to live with that? Knowing he was at the bottom of the ocean, alone in a box with an Archangel to torment him for the rest of his days? How could she possibly move on from that?

Back in the shed, Sam was pacing. “You’re not doing this,” he decided, pausing his movements to look at his brother. “You can’t do this. Not to me, not to her, not to Mom-“

“I’m doing it to protect you, all of you,” Dean argued. “If I lock Michael away, he can’t hurt any of you or cause more damage to anyone else.”

“This will kill her,” Sam warned, his voice quieter now. “Dean, you can’t-“

“This is what’s best. This is my decision and I’m sticking to it.”

Y/N decided against the wall of Donna’s cabin that she was done. She reached the end of her rope, her patience run bone dry. If Dean wasn’t going to listen to any voices of reason, she was going to make damn sure she would be okay. She could ask Rowena for a spell, something to make her forget she ever loved Dean Winchester. She refused to be a broken shell all over again because he left her, this time willingly. She would take care of herself the way he taught her to.

She emerged from behind the cabin to find the brothers walking out of the shed, Sam looking visibly distraught as he watched Dean head towards the cabin. Dean’s gaze fell on her but she refused to meet his eyes. If she was going to take care of herself, step one was creating distance, putting an end to the bond between them. Dean moved to walk towards her and she stepped back, eyes still on anything but him.  He stopped in his tracks, shoulders falling before he straightened up again, refusing to show any weakness over his decision.

The ride back to the bunker was silent. Y/N wasn’t speaking to either brother, but if she had to, she spoke to Sam. Dean was trying to ignore how hurt he was, but he had to remind himself that this was for the best. He thought she could understand that.

A few days went by and Y/N was avoiding Dean as much as humanly possible. When Sam received word of Donatello, she decided to hang back and make sure the new hunters had a leader while the brothers were out taking care of business. Sam didn’t argue with her, knowing she needed her space from his brother.

When they arrived back in the safety of the bunker, days later, Y/N retreated to her room, going through her things and removing anything of Dean’s from her drawers. She wanted to do it when they first got back from the cabin retreat, but her body physically wouldn’t let her, not yet. Any flannels, shirts, anything she ever wore of his was going back to his room. She didn’t want anything of his around to remind her of him later. She carried the few shirts to his room, barging in and dumping them on his bed.

“What are you doing?” he asked, staring at the pile before him.

“Don’t want them anymore. They’ll just remind me of you when you’re gone, you know, buried and all.”

Dean winced at her words. Reality was starting to sink in, that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t such a good idea, not if it meant a rift between him and his best girl. “Y/N please, we need to talk about this-“

“I think you’ve said enough.”

“I can’t have you hating me, sweetheart. I can’t lose you, not yet. The thought of losing you scares the shit out of me-“

“Don’t you dare fucking say that to me,” she whispered, sounding much less menacing than she wanted to. “Not when I’m the one constantly losing you.” Dean felt his heart break in his chest as he looked at her, seeing all the pain he’d caused her evident on her pretty face. “And I should be used to it by now, but I’m not.” She looked down at the floor, staring at the marbled tile beneath her feet. “Maybe this is my fault-“

“Y/N no, how-“

“Maybe if I told you the truth you’d change your mind. Told you I loved you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, maybe then you’d want to stay and find another way.”

“I know,” he breathed. “I know you do.”

Her eyes widened and she looked up at him, her cheeks flushing. “You what?”

“I know how you feel about me,” he murmured. “Sam…I forced it out of him when we drove home after he found me. He was so worried about you and he started to let it slip but I forced him to tell me.”

“So…so you know…that…and you still want to…” her voice trailed off, her words failing her as she stared helplessly at him. 

“I was doing it because of that.” He watched her cringe before he realized his mistake. “Oh God, not like that! I mean, I was doing it because I love you, just as much, but I need to protect you from Michael. I told myself I wouldn’t do anything about this…us…until he was gone, but I don’t know when that will be or if it ever will be. I can’t let you get hurt because of me, not like this. I can’t put that target on you.”

“Dean…I know you think it’s your life’s mission to protect everyone, because John gave you that order to protect Sam, but sacrificing yourself? He’d also want you to live, Dean. You deserve everything good this fucked up world has to offer, Dean Winchester. You think your life means so much less than anyone else’s but that’s not true. You’re so important, Dean. Sam and I wouldn’t be here without you. You’ve saved so many lives, changed so many lives. You think you’re this monster of a man who doesn’t deserve happiness when that’s all you’ve ever deserved. You’ve spent your entire life caring for everyone else and making sure everyone else was okay, but right now, you’re not okay, and you need to let me and Sam take care of you. Let us help you find another way, please Dean.” By now tears were rolling down her cheeks the same way they were rolling down Dean’s. “I have watched you overcome and survive incredible feats. I’ve admired your courage and your strength for as long as I can remember. Please don’t stop fighting now, not yet. You have so much more left to do in this world, Dean. Some dick angel from another world is not going to be how I lose you. The world is better with you in it, MY world is better with you in it.”

Dean’s silent tears turned to choked out sobs as he took in her words. This wasn’t the first time she had to remind him of the good in him, and he hoped it wouldn’t be the last. Sam had already gotten to him before they drove home and made him see that there could be another way, that he couldn’t give up, that wasn’t what the Winchesters did. 

“Oh Dean,” she whispered, enveloping him in her arms as he cried, his face buried against her shoulder. She rubbed his back softly as she cried with him, his arms wrapping around her tightly, scared of letting her go.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, “I’m sorry you’re constantly getting hurt by me-“

“No. It is not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m not doing it,” he whispered, his breath hot against her neck. “Sammy…he helped me see how wrong I was…and you…I can’t leave you. Not like that. I love you so much, sweetheart, I’m so sorry for putting you through that-“

“Dean Winchester, if you ever try to pull something like that again…”

“I know,” he nodded. “I’m so sorry baby. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“How?” She asked, Dean lifting his head from her shoulder.

“I don’t know, but I’ll spend the rest of my life figuring it out.”

Y/N blushed, fighting the grin that was spreading across her lips. “You could start with a kiss.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” he chuckled, cupping her cheeks in his hand and wiping the remaining tear drops away with his thumbs. He looked into her eyes, watching the way they sparkled as they stared back into his own. He smiled, leaning down to softly connect his lips with hers. She all but cried as she moved her lips with his, her arms wrapping back around his middle.

“Sammy was right,” he chuckled once he pulled away, resting his forehead against hers.

“About what?”

Dean smirked, “You really do look at me like I hung the moon.”

“Oh bite me, Winchester.”

[thebellekeys]

I Love Matthew Fairchild aka Incoherent Thoughts about Chain of Iron (2021) by Cassandra Clare

I made one of these rant-rave reviews for SJM's book so check it out if you want, no pressure tho lmao.

Aight so I finished Chain of Iron last night and OMG I HAVE TO YELL like I loved it sooo much like yooo, I have a lot to say. I know the book is new so... beware for spoilers plebs.

Also context: I been reading the Shadowhunter books since I was 12 and I'm 19 now *insert dead emoji face* so yeah, I'm just so happy rn with where the Chronicles have come and the fact that they’re still ongoing *insert uwu face*. I remember when in like 2014-2015 or something when Cassandra Clare teased that Will and Tessa's kids' generation was gonna get a trilogy set in Edwardian London, loosely based on Great Expectations, and holy hell? I think that was perhaps one of the best days of my life considering how much I adore The Infernal Devices (that trilogy really changed the way I see YA literature... don't ask cus I won't shut up about it) (also yes I read TMI and loved it too but there's a “generation gap” between TMI and the other Shadowhunter books stylistically so don't ask me about that either cus I also won't shut up).

Anyway, shoo from here if you want a critical essay on Chain of Iron. I'm not providing that, this is just me raving here for the fun.

Listen... I want the bulk of this to just be two main things: The Matthew Situation, and then all the literary and judeo-christian meta aspects of it.

BUT I ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE SO FRICK LET'S JUST START WITH THE OBVIOUS SHIT LIKE THE PLOT AND WHATEVER

Okay, the plot and writing and shit, let's get that out of the way:

The WHOLE Jack-the-Ripper-esque ambiance was just sooooo good man wow like I did not expect the book to take this cold turn but it worked so well. There was such a contrast between Jamie and Cordelia's warm little house and then the cold winter and the stabbings and shit and it felt like a nice little callback to the actual Ripper phenomenon that preceded them and a nod to the Whitechapel Fiend story from Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy.

Bitch OFC that whole thing with Wayland was a set-up like nawww that was too easy to spot and I get why Cordelia feels like shit about it.

Dawg Lucie was just the Among Us imposter here in that my girl was just venting and sneaking around with dead people and I was like nooooo girl run, don't deal with Fade this is a set-up THINK ABOUT JULES LUCIE THAT'S LIKE YO GREAT-GRANDSON *sobs* but yeah anyway my girl has death powers she gonna kill some bitches next book.

You see that confrontation between Lilith and Belial? MASTERPIECE DIALOGUE like this was the point within which I was just like "yo is this the book of Genesis or a YA Fantasy novel" like when Lilith said "I may have been cast out but I did not fall" like??????????????????? I YELLED she did not have to END Belial like that. What a bad bitch.

More on Lilith and Belial... "You, who brought nations into darkness? Shall I finally be able to tell the infernal realms you have gone mad, lost even the image of the Creator." HAHAHHAHAHA SHE SAID "YO BELIAL GO GET SOME THERAPY AND GET OFF MY ASS" LIKE??????

Ughhhh yasss Clare has improved writing diverse characters in this book compared to in The Dark Artifices in my opinion... I'm not gonna expand on it cus ain't nobody got time for that but like, I enjoyed how she wove Persian poetry and tales into the story and the way in which she writes Cordelia and Alistair. They're not caricatures of Persian people but rather multi-faceted beings who also happen to be Persian and I appreciate that. Also, Alistair and Thomas and Anna and Ariadne were just so fun and interesting to read as coupbles but also as individuals. She really higlighted diversity in a very natural manner. All I need is a hijabi character and I’ll die a happy woman lmao.

The level of META man like the references to Classics and art (I swear, she might have compared Matthew to angels out of Caravaggio AND Rosetti AND Boticelli paintings and I Am Living For It) and just all the quotes from holy books and shit omg I love it here like you really feel catapulted into the time period, she draws reference to external art and philosophy so well and I feel like she upped the notch on it in this book (didn’t know that was possible but it was the prose is BEAUTIFUL, archaic, but not pretentiously so). No, like the characters live in their OWN worlds of literature and art and history in the way we are living in THEIRS. They quote Wilde and Milton while we'll quote Clare. It's awesome.

This is an unusually structuralist take even from me but: I like the way the milieu social of the book, i.e., the high society Edwardian circles and their values, have a direct influence on the plot. James and Cordelia got married because society’s values essentially forced them to, not a demon. Cordelia abandons Jamie at the end of Iron because her shame as a woman in society and fear for her reputation made her, not a demon. Thomas and Alistair can't be together solely because of how Alistair tarnished the reputation of the Fairchilds and Lightwoods by using the horror of infidelity against them. Issues relating to marriage, gender roles, etc, stemming DIRECTLY from the time period rule the sequence of events to the same degree as the epic fantasy aspects (demons, Princes of Hell, the lore itself) do and I LOVE that dear God above.

OKAY THE GOOD SHIT LET US TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS AND SHIPS (N.B. but imma discuss Matthew and the Fairstairs situation separately below this portion):

Alistair's redemption arc: No, cus Alistair's redemption arc is honestly amazing. He really did change and it's not like his betterment as a person was linked to any one heroic deed but rather he simply decided he wanted to be better especially for his family and he decided to become a proper protective son, a caring brother, and an amiable friend. He fully owned up to his Malfoy tendencies and apologized without expecting forgiveness. He shows how he cares in the little ways and omg it's so sweet and tender. I really do want him to love himself now and be embraced by Matthew especially and the rest of the Thieves.

Dawg Lucie and Jesse are so funny to me like it's so hilarious how this girl fell in love with a whole ass ghost that no one else knows about like HHAHA. Are Lucie and Jesse my ult ship ever? Nah, but it's nothing to do with Clare, it's just that their relationship happened pretty quick and feels quite like something epicly romantic that Lucie herself would write. I just like slow burn and friends-to-lovers the most from Clare. To be honest part of me just wanted Lucie to not have a romantic arc all together but like, it's all good, I'm not complaining.

Okay Grace- like yooooooooooo I never hated her yunno. She has been abused and isolated all her life. It's not that she is a bad person, but rather that she does not know what being a person even entails. Can't even say she's a “doll” of a person cus she's never even been pampered like one by her family. I really started understanding her motivations since when they gave us her half-childhood with Jesse. I want better for her but cmon can she REALLY be saved???

GRACE X CHRISTOPHER *pretends to be shocked*... Okay, sometime in the middle of the Dark Artifices series some big brain put together a very thorough family tree of the families and like, it clearly showed that Grace and Christopher got married so like, lmfaooooo, I knew this was coming one way or another, but the journey to this ship is more important than the destination. Like in a way Christopher is such a cute baby lamb that it makes sense he'd end up being immune to her Grace-ness when he's just a cute little Einstein boiii. Like this is just so funny to me cus he's so oblivious to social conventions while she makes the milieu social her entire life so OFC it's gonna work. Like, this is such a worlds-colliding trope like just Give It To Me.

James and Grace - aw mannn Jamie just had me fricking wanting to hit a wall every two seconds cus like yooooooo every single time I think he and Cordelia are gonna stop being emotionally-constipated spouses, Jamie says some kinda shit like "omg me and Daisy are just friends uwu" like DO I NEED TO HIT YOU?????????? See I can't blame him for not slamming the door on Grace's face even tho he totes should- Jamie is so cerebral and kind that even if Grace wasn't using the enchantment on him, I think he would always be soft for her even if it isn't in a romantic way. There's just so much miscommunication cus like he said "Thank God" when she broke off the engagement with Charles and lowkey embraced her but it also wasn't his fault cus it wasn't even romantic BUT OFC IT LOOKED HORRIBLE TO CORDELIA like James literally never told the woman at least once that he loved her so OFC she thought she was back to square one with him dear God above what a mess. Not his fault, but she DID set down one rule for him: don’t cheat with Grace. And yeah even tho he hasn’t properly cheated, it must FEEL horrible to her cus she’s just been enduring the pain of their unrequeted love for so long :((

See imma just say it but if Cordelia thought that James didn't love Grace then she def would have confessed to him about her feelings right but like James, on the other hand, was delaying his own romantic confession cus he was BEING EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED and I can't even say the bracelet was solely to blame cus like my boi was just being so difficult omg I believe he should be lightly spanked by his three parents aka Will, Tessa and Jem *cries*.

Cordelia is such a MOM like she's so mature and stable and her self-preservation instinct? OFF THE CHARTS I love this woman like James definitely treated her well as a hubby but like I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE CLOSURE ABOUT SOMETHING and boy oh boy she did get that closure she got it good but not from the person she expected in the LEAST *hehe* *pelican screeching*... like Lucie was being sus with the whole ghost business and James was being just, quite a case, dealing with Grace and Belial right and I don't blame them at all for their secrecy and shit but her FATHER DIED and her friends were hiding a lot from her so in a way she turned to Alistair for help but he could only do so much cus of his own pain (she couldn't even talk to her mom cus she's pregnant and she doesn't wanna stress her right) and then there was this emotional block between her and Jamie, Lucie was often absent and conspiring with the dead... the last person remaining was HIM (imma discuss this soon), but yeah my heart just went OUT to her cus she's tryna save herself and her family and she just doesn't know what to do. That's why I love the way her mom told her to stop holding herself back for others and live her own life. Like Cordelia grew on me so much cus in Gold she undoubtedly was a strange Elizabeth Bennet-wallflower hybrid and I... do not usually get attached to wallflowers but in Iron I feel like I finally understood that she was just tryna be unproblematic and self-preserving all along and nottt put her family and friends in a tough situation.... she reminds me of my mom personality-wise so yeah I’m totally rooting for her now that her *situation* in the past seems clearer.

Anna, Thomas and Matthew are such a SQUAD lmfaooooo like united in their gayness they'd be so unstoppable.

Will and Tessa are the most in-love of all the in-loves in this story and I respect that so much.

I lost a year to my life every time the romance between James and Cordelia got cockblocked. Like they were MARRIED and I thought they were gonna at least sleep next to each other at least once BUT NO James couldn't take a hint omg I'm actually gonna eat my fist and sob (but in retrospect, I think this serves a bigger purpose in terms of the narrative structure i.e. the interruption of all the spicy James and Cordelia action serves a bigger purpose which I think brings me to my next section, *exhale*)

Welcome to the Matthew Fairchild Enthusiast Club (this section is me talking out loud; it makes no sense):

bitch.

LISTEN TO ME LISTEN WELL I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH IMMA SCREAM I REALLY AM GONNA SCREAM MY FIST IS LITERALLY IN MY MOUTH *BACKFLIPS OFF THE ROOF WITH LANA DEL REY PLAYING*

Okay like where to BEGIN I think the Shadowhunter boy who I'm most attracted to is Julian while the one I love the most is Will but I think I see myself in Matthew the most. Like ever since that first story where the Thieves all met at the Academy then got expelled, I think that I just KNEW Matthew was destined to be epic. Plus the whole Wilde obsession? I’m no libertine myself but I just love his chaos and passion for life.

NO CUS HE'S SO WITTY AND SWEET AND EPIC AND YET SO SECRETIVE AND DEAR GOD ABOVE AHHHHH WILL HE SURPASS JULIAN FOR ME??? Ion even know but this is just sodjsgdwsdygyegydgef

Hear me out but I said after finishing Gold last March that I wanted this book to be Matthew's healing arc right so halfway into the book when I realized that we weren't getting all that good healing arcing I was confused just cus I thought it seemed natural to address all of his alcohol issues and sadness by now. LITTLE DID I KNOW CASSIE WAS SETTING UP A WHOLE OTHER ARC WITH HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED WTH.

At first I thought Matthew didn't have feelings for anyone at all, and if he DID develop feelings unexpectedly, I fricking thought that maybe he's catching feelings for James, if anyone??? I mean, I did have some suspicions about Matthew from the get-go: like he's so secretive and as readers we think we know everything there is to know about him since we were all privy to the truth potion incident in his short story right BUT NO I GOT PLAYED AND I DESERVE IT SO BADDDDDD.

Listen I hadn't shipped him and Cordelia simply because I never thought it in the realm of possibility but it MAKES SENSE as a ship... think about it: he never says what he feels, he flirts with her like he does with EVERYONE, he is kind to her in the way he is with EVERYONE. Really, Matthew is shippable with everyone, doesn’t matter if they’re taken cus that’s just what his Matthewnes allows for ya feel. There is such a beautiful irony that CORDELIA herself did not see this coming. Even the little teasers and hints in Gold have only NOW started making sense to me likejhss. I just felt like the hints in book 1 did not indicate to me that Matthew really harbored real romantic feelings for Daisy. I thought he was upset that James and Cordelia were being fakes, not a developing CRUSH on the woman fgs.

Not to mention that you usually sense a ship building when the emotional connection or sexual tension between the characters is made clearer but to me their FRIENDSHIP grew right but it didn’t feel like Cordelia was thought that she liked him or he liked her so that means me and Cordelia are clowns *together* 😤

Okay I was lowkey having SUSPICIONS but I immediately shut them down right... like firstly when he took her to the White Horse in his car and she went OFF and OFF and off about how she felt free for the first time? I thought Cassie was just tryna develop Cordelia's self-liberation arc through Matthew there. Heck, I didn't even think ANYTHING of it when Matthew confession to Cordelia about the "truth potion" incident at all cus I was like they're FRIENDS??? BUT now it's adding up now...

See when they were at the inn place and he was telling her that she doesn't in the least seem like a 100 year-old married woman? I was like hmmmm he's so sweet but why did Cassie phrase it like that like??? When Cordelia later reiterated that she thought Matthew's flirting was “meaningless”?? I was like hmmm kinda SUS tho. And then when he and James had their fight over the way Jamie kissed Grace like again I thought he was just like? ion know? mad at James for it but I didn't think he was in LOVE with Cordelia??? So I immediately put aside my slight suspicions. The probability that he had a crush on James at that point seemed more likely to me.

BUT THEN it started hitting me that every time Matthew drank, even before he explained his issue with the truth potion, that Cordelia would note it, she would worry about him, she would think of her father which seemed so poetic to me, history repeating itself and all that but this time you can FIX it??? Yeah, but again I didn't think the L WORD would be involved man???

Now imma sound like a delulu shipper here but it just makes sense they would develop feelings logically- reason being that it definitely is possible based on the way Cassie set up the story, like there's a combination of little “friend things” that can turn this into a proper ship: Matthew rescues Cordelia in the ballroom when Grace captures James' attention in Gold. Cordelia sees her father in Matthew all the time but knows now she has a chance to be there for him in the way she couldn't have been there for Elias (classic “history repeats itself” trope, she doesn't want Matthew drinking in Paris like dhshghdfhdhch). Cordelia tastes freedom for the first time when driving with Matthew. Matthew caught James and Cordelia making out in the room and was pissed but not even HE properly knew why then??? Umm, when she thinks James is forreal cheating with Grace on her she subconsciously goes to Matthew??? I also found it funny just how every intimate marital moment between her and James got interrupted somehow. Like, it's as if the narrative is just a living force REFUSING to let James and Cordelia as a ship be consecrated. Heck, every time Matthew is scantily clothed Cordelia notes it. LITTLE CRUMBS I TELL YOU LITTLE CRUMBS.

I tell you when Cordelia showed up to Matthew's flat I thought they were gonna f*ck as friends but I got SOMETHING EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW

THEY ARE GOING TO PARIS LA BELLE EPOQUE PARIS THE PARIS OF DREAMS AND ART LIKE??? FRICKKKKK I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALLLL MAN? I deadass thought the story would be restrained to the UK but like it MAKES SENSE the trope subversion MAKES SENSE.

“In Paris, with you, I will not need to forget.” SHITTRGEGGGDG

BUT CORDELIA LOVES JAMES TOO LIKE I CAN'T DENY THAT... where are we GOING with this like Matthew wouldn't lie about his feelings and yet Cassie wouldn't give us Matthew and Cordelia crumbs to only end it in the next book immediately for her to just ditch him for James. I mean she was clearly holding back on fleshing out James and Cordelia as a ship for this but to WHAT END??? Daisy feels wild and free with Matthew and she feels warm at home warm with James. I can’t advocate for the sinking of ANY ship here.

Imma say what we're all thinking: Is she gonna give us a Will x Jem x Tessa type situation where Cordelia gets both of them cus I'm not strong enough for this but I also think it'd be really funny if James gets a surprise bi awakening in the next books and then we get POLY even tho this would never happen, it’s actually impossible, because of the whole parabatai thing.

Listen I ship Cordelia and Matthew much more than Cordelia and James, not that I dislike James in any way tho. It's just: Matthew is so unrestrained and she's so composed. They seem like an unlikely pair so it makes sense that they hit harder for me. James and Cordelia have such similar personalities but I ALSO don't ship James with Grace at all so like?? Poly would be... ideal... but it can’t happen especially cus they are fricking parabatai... a Will-Jem-Tessa situation seems more likely but mannnn ion know what to expect. I just want FAIRSTAIRS to have their moment in Paris. I mean James and Matthew clearly don't abhor each other for this.

Take everything I say with several grains of salt, take everything I say with the whole Dead Sea actually, cus I damn well know that Matthew is so flirty and whatnot that I’d have shipped him with anyone in their little circle but now that she set him up with Cordelia it all feels so right?? I have wanted this man in a good relationship since he walked onto the page in Nothing But Shadows so-

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't believe Cassia duped me like this omg, Matthew is gonna have his healing arc in Paris with Cordelia by his side like- THIS IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND SO MUCH MORE. Question to yall btw: are you all as surpised at Fairstairs as me or did yall see it coming all along like smart people? Am I a lone clown? 🥺

BRUH okay criticisms of CC?:

Lmfao a part of me feels like I GOTTA say something bad about CC or the book but honestly I have no objective complaints about it as of now. Am I saying that it’s the PEAK of Young Adult literature and Urban Fantasy? I mean, I make no such claims tbh. I’m not here to be critical when I read as a hobby and when CC’s writing makes me happy regardless of how flawed some people see it.

Okay what next?

So like I’m excited for the adult high fantasy she’s releasing in the fall and whatever other works she might be releasing outside of Chain of Gold within the Chronicles.

As for TLH itself? Man I’m just VIBING like I suspect I will reread Chain of Iron soon and maybe one of the anthologies just because I am happy that this series actually happened after me waiting like 6 years for it when it was just a concept: a Dickensian retelling filled with poetry and culture and history and the conventions I so loved in TID at age 12. This is all I been wanting tbh. I’m just enjoying watching this series come to fruition for it to inspire and transform me in some way. I feel like in a way my coming-of-age aligns with that of these specific characters yet I ALSO feel like I raised Jamie since infancy. Wack.

MATTHEW AND CORDELIA IN FRANCE LA BELLE EPOQUE TO BE EXACT IMMA CRY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AND AHHHHHH. ALSO WILL AND JAMIE GOING TO CORNWALL TO GET LUCIE AND MAYBE BOND I LOVE WILL. HE WAS ONE OF MY DILF AWAKENINGS AT AGE 12 AND NOW HE’S HERE AGAIN IMMA CRY. I WANNA SEE MATTHEW GET HAPPY. AHHH.

Ending with a fun quote: “In the wise words of someone or other, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Maurice.” 😉

[atlafan]

My Everything - Part Fifteen

A Take it Slow Sequel

What happens with Harry and Y/N after he proposes? How will the two navigate the engaged life while also continuing to juggle their jobs, friends, and families? Let’s find out.

Warnings: little bit of angst, fluff, and of course smut

Words: 5.4K

a/n: it’s back! thank you all for your patience, I’ve that written for a bit, but it felt good to take a break and work on some other things. I hope you enjoy this part! 

Masterpost

“He’s gotten so big!” Anne says as you and Harry come through the door of her home. “Hi Jack!” She takes him in her arms.

“Grammy!” He nuzzles into her.

“So much better than FaceTime.” She chuckles. “How was he on the flight?”

“Fussy as shit.” Harry grunts and brings the bags upstairs.

“Don’t mind him.” You roll your eyes. “Jack freaked out before we took off, and didn’t like that it made his ears feel weird, and then he couldn’t decide if he wanted to sit in my lap or Harry’s, even though we gave him the middle seat so he could be next to both of us. He slept for a little bit, but then woke up needing to use the bathroom. We didn’t want him watching TV the entire time either, so after one movie he cried after we told him it was enough. Needless to say, it was much easier before he could talk.”

Harry comes back downstairs and shakes his head at Jack.

“Course now he’s gonna be good for Grammy, right?”

“You know, if you two need a little break, you can leave him here with me for a few days. I can always drive him out to London, or I can pass him off to Gem.”

“It’s not that we need a break.” You explain. “It was just a long flight, but we’re definitely open to letting him spend some extra time with you. I loved spending time with my grandparents when I was little, and I definitely want him to have that with you.”

“Hungry, mumma.” Jack whines.

“Okay.” You sigh.

“Oh, Jack. Grammy’s taking everyone out for dinner tonight. Auntie Gem’s coming too. Let’s get you washed up, hm?”

She takes him down the hall into the bathroom.

“I love him to pieces, but next time I’m giving him something to make him sleep.” Harry says, going into the kitchen for some water. “He’s never been so fussy on a flight before, never.”

“He’s over two years old now, it’s just what happens. He’s starting to do things for himself, and he gets frustrated when he can’t or we tell him no. We have to deal with him being fussy and he has to deal with not getting everything he wants when he wants it.”

“He’s gonna be bored without Buster. I wish we could’ve brought him, but it’s too expensive now.”

“I know.” You sigh. “At least we have Sarah and Niall.”

Anne comes back with a cleaned up Jack. You and Harry both go to freshen up, and out the door you go. Jack gets very excited to see Gemma and her husband. He’s a good boy during most of dinner, and you were thankful he didn’t cause a scene.

You and Harry gave Jack a bath when you got back to Anne’s house. It helped tire him out. He had a room at Anne’s but he wanted to sleep with you and Harry.

“We’re on vacation, I think it’ll be alright. He’s not used to sleeping here yet.”

“True, yeah, he can sleep with us.” Harry shrugs. “I do like snugglin’ up with him.”

You and Harry both get ready for bed, and you read a story to Jack to help him fall asleep. When you hear his soft snores you put the book down.

“Remember when you used to sit between my legs and tell him about your day while he was still in my tummy.” You pout. “When I get pregnant, will you do that again? It was so cute.”

“Course I remember. And yeah, I’ll do it again.” He turns the lights off. “Sorry, you got your period last week. I for sure thought that day we screwed when Niall and Sarah watched him was gonna be it.”

“It’s okay. We’ll just keep trying. At least I don’t have my period now. When we have a few days alone at the flat we can get to it.”

“Yeah.” He leans over Jack to kiss you goodnight. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Jack woke up fully on top of you the next morning. Like father like son. You snuggle him close to you and stroke the mop of curls on his head. He nuzzles into you and sighs. Harry’s eyes flutter open as he reaches for you. He smiles at first at the sight in front of him, and then he feels a little jealous. Jack got a lot of your cuddles these days.

“Mornin’.” Harry whispers, and you hum your response. “Turn over with him so I can spoon you.” You smile and do as he says. He kisses the back of your neck as you adjust into him. This was pure bliss.

//

“No!”

“Jack, come on, don’t you wanna spend time alone with Grammy?” Harry pleads with him. You had spent an entire week with Anne, it was time to head to the flat.

“No!”

“Jack, Grammy has lots of fun things planned for you. Don’t you wanna see what they are?”

“Don’t go, mumma.” He lets crocodile tears fall from his eyes.

“God, Harry.” You look at Harry.

“Go wait in the car.”

“But he’s gonna-“

“Go.” Harry scoops up Jack and takes him over to Anne who was trying to not to get involved. “Here, mum. He should be fine.”

“He’ll tire himself out. Jack, Grammy’s got some new coloring books for you. Don’t you wanna see?”

“Okay.” He sniffles.

“We love you Jack, it’ll only be a few days.” Harry kisses him and heads out the door. He sees you sobbing in the front seat of the car and sighs. “He’s fine, darlin’. Mum’s gonna color with him.” He puts his hand on your thigh as he drives off towards London.

“I know, I just feel terrible when he looks at me like that.”

“Clingy little thing, huh? Wonder where he got that from.” He winks at you and you can’t help but laugh.

“He’s truly learning by watching, that’s for sure.”

“Can’t help it that both your boys wantcha all the time.”

“I guess not.” You chuckle and wipe your eyes. “What’s the plan for tonight?”

“Drinking, lots of drinking. Gem’s got the flat all set up for us, stocked us with plenty of wine.”

“She’s the best.”

“We’ll see her in a couple of days. We’re not leavin’ that flat while we have this time alone.”

“Sounds good to me.”

You both sigh heavily when you come into the clean flat. Harry opens up a bottle of wine right away and pours you a glass. You clink them together and take a sip.

“Mm, this is nice.” You plop down on the couch and he joins you. “Like old times.”

“Mhm.” He takes a nice big sip. “I’ll never forget the first time we made love here. I was so nervous.”

“Me too. I’m happy it was here though.” You start laughing. “Didn’t I kick you in the stomach?”

“Yeah, and I came all over you.” He shakes his head. “It was perfectly imperfect.”

“Yup, and then we couldn’t keep our hands off each other after that. Jesus, do you remember when Niall walked in on us when we were moving you into my place?”

“Don’t remind me.” He rolls his eyes. “Major blue balls.” You burst out laughing and take another sip of wine.

“It’s crazy how quickly time passes. I mean, I’ll be thirty soon, it’s wild.”

“I try not to think about it too much.” He takes a sip of his wine. “Not you being almost thirty, I mean how quickly time passes.” He laughs. “It’s like you’re always sayin’, age is just a number.”

“I feel like a real grown up now, though. Like, I thought I was so grown when we met because I was able to live alone and I had a good job, but, I was pretty childish.”

“We both still had some growing up to do, it’s okay.” He sets his glass down on the coffee table, and puts his hand on your knee. You finish up your glass. “More, babe?”

“Mm, please.”

It was nice to just sit and chat with Harry. You didn’t have to worry about Jack interrupting, or taking Buster out. It was like how things were before all this responsibility came into your lives. You felt slightly guilty for enjoying it a little, but you knew you wouldn’t change a thing. As hectic as things got, you loved your life and what it had turned into. You cherished your time as a family, but you cherished these times as well. After two more glasses of wine, you found yourself just watching Harry’s lips move as he talked.

“Y/N?”

“Hm?”

“Are you listening?” He chuckles.

“Yeah! I’m sorry, I was just distracted.” You scoot a little closer to him.

“By what?” He moves some hair behind your ear.

“You.” You whisper. “You’re just too handsome, it’s hard to concentrate sometimes.”

His hand moves to cup your cheek so he can bring you in for a kiss. He tasted like the sweet wine you had been drinking, and you wanted more so you part your lips for him. He parted his so you could lick into his mouth. He groans against you, and pulls you into his lap. You straddle his thighs as his hands move up and down your bare ones. You had opted for a sundress today since it was so hot out. Your hands lace through his hair and you tug slightly as his mouth moves to your neck.

You didn’t compare yourself to other couples often, but you wondered if people who had been together for almost seven years still had the same passion as you and Harry. You weren’t as intimate as often as you used to be, but when you got going like this you were always brought back to when you were twenty-four and things were insanely hot and heavy. Sometimes when Jack would smile at you, you couldn’t help but think of the first time you “met” Harry on your first date, and the smile he flashed you. You wondered if you’d be raising a heartbreaker, but something told you even if he grew to be as handsome as Harry, he would be the sweetest boy.

Harry pushes his hips up to yours, and you roll yours down on him. He sinks his teeth further into your skin, and it causes you to gasp.

“You need to be careful.” You pull his head back to look at you. “We’ve talked about this. Hidden spots only.”

“What’s the fun in that?” He cocks an eyebrow at you. “Jack’s still little, he won’t notice.”

“He notices more than you think, trust me.”

“Fine, hidden spots only.”

He moves your dress off your shoulder and attaches his lips there. Your hands roam up under his shirt to run your nails up and down his torso as his hands squeeze your ass.

“Alright.” He says and picks you up. You squeal slightly and wrap your legs around your waist.

“What are you doing?” You giggle.

“Bringing you to the bedroom, obviously.” He grunts as he continues to carry you.

He drops you onto the bed and you reach to undo his shirt for him. He wasn’t expecting you to be so desperate for him, but his head was swimming so he wasn’t going to question it. You tug his cock out of his boxers and look up at him as you kiss on his tip.

“Christ, Y/N.” He groans as he blushes.

You suckle on his tip and slowly take him further down your throat. His eyes roll into the back of his head when he feels you swallow around him. You bob your head up and down, spit and precum dripping down your chin. He pulls you off of him, and watches as the trail of spit slowly detaches from your lips.

He reaches for the hem of your dress and he lifts it off you. Your breasts were practically spilling out of your bra. He loved the way your body looked these days. You weren’t as fit as you used to be, but god, he loved every inch of you. You unhook your bra and let it fall off you. Harry pushes you back on the bed and kneads your breasts as he climbs on top of you. He kisses you quick before working his mouth down your body. He practically rips your panties off and spreads your legs open in one swift motion. Before you can say anything his tongue was on you, lapping you up. You arch back from the sensation.

He was licking away at you sloppily, really making a mess of things, but who were you to ruin his fun? If he liked the way you tasted, even after all this time, you weren’t going to tell him to be a little less vulgar about the noises he was making. Besides, it felt really fucking good.

“Ngh, Harry, I…I’m, fuck.” You groan and grit your teeth as you pull and tug at his hair.

He doesn’t let up on you, though. He continues sucking on your clit and moving his tongue back down to your center to fuck you with it. He had his hands pressed down your thighs to keep you as wide open as he could.

“Oh god, oh my god, Harry!” You scream as you come undone. He removes his mouth from you and just uses his hand to rub around the now sensitive area as your body convulses under him.

“Like that, babe?”

“So much, thank you.” You breathe. You scoot back further on the bed and he moves with you. He smooths some hair away from your now sweaty forehead. “Harry…?”

“Yes, my love?” He lips ghost over yours, and then move to your cheek and neck.

“I wanna make another baby with you, so bad.” You cup his cheeks so he’ll look at you.

“I do too. I love you so much.” He turns to kiss one of your palms.

“I love you too, and our life, and I want it to keep growing.”

“So do I, angel.” He lines himself up with you and pushes inside. “I’m gonna give you everything yeh want, okay? Including another baby.”

His tongue finds yours as he rocks in and out of you. You wrap your legs around his waist to pull him even closer. He grabs both of your hands and pins them on either side of your head. You move your hips up and grind against him so you’re moving in sync together. Love making at its finest. The two of you were grunting and panting, and just enjoying not having to keep it down for a change.

Harry waits for you to come at least two more times before he fills you up. You were drenched in sweat, but you didn’t you care. You rest your legs up against the headboard for a few minutes making sure nothing leaked out of you before going to the bathroom to clean up. That’s how things were for the next few days without Jack around. And it really wasn’t even about making another baby, you and Harry were just enjoying the time to explore each other and make love like how you used to. It was nice.

//

“There’s my baby!” You exclaim when you see Gemma pull up with Jack. “Were you a good boy for Grammy?” You ask him as you take him out of the car seat.

“Mumma!”

“Yes, hi, I know!” You snuggle him to you. You really did miss him.

“Daddy!”

“I’m right here.” He takes him from you and holds him close. “Thanks for bringin’ him.” He says to Gemma.

“Oh, no worries. We had a nice car ride together. We stopped off for some lunch so he shouldn’t be hungry. He’s quite talkative. He mostly babbled, but it was nice nonetheless.” Gemma pokes the dimple in Jack’s cheek. “A rambunctious two year old, but he’s a love bug too, according to mum. She really enjoyed the time alone with him.”

“That’s great.” You say. “We like him too.” You tickle Jack’s belly and the sound of his giggle soars through you. “Think it’s nap time, darling boy. Thanks again, Gem.” You take Jack from Harry and head upstairs to the flat.

“Was it nice to have a little break?”

“Yeah, it was. You sorta feel guilty at first, you know? We love him so much, but neither of us realized how badly we just needed some time alone.”

“I get it. S’gotta be different now that he’s really becoming a child. He’s not a baby anymore. He’s exploring and learning all the time.”

“His routine is just completely different in the summer. During the school year he has day care and stuff so by the time he gets home he’s pooped. And then I feel bad because Y/N is home with him all day. I’m able to come home early most days, but then I feel guilty about the business. It’s tough, but I wouldn’t give any of it up.”

“How is the business doing?”

“It’s great! Our numbers go up every year, we have loyal clients who spread the word. Nothin’ really to worry about there, I just feel bad when Mariah and Isaac have to pick up my slack.”

“You could hire another person, you know? You’re the owner and the boss, you have a lot of other responsibilities. Like my friend who owns that hair salon? She does way less hair than everyone else because she’s busy runnin’ the business. You might have to take less photos for people, Harry.”

“I know that.” He sighs. “I’ll have to have a meeting with Isaac and Mariah to see what they think and how they feel. It’s been the three of us for so long, but maybe I could hire a part timer…maybe even get an intern from Y/N’s university.”

“There yeh go. Just think it over so you can take some pressure off. Also,” she puts her hand on his shoulder, “he’s not gonna be this fussy forever. Give yourselves a break, you’re both doin’ a great job.”

“Thanks, that means a lot.” The two hug and off Gemma goes. Harry goes upstairs with Jack’s things and smiles when he sees you lulling him to sleep on the couch. “I think we should take him on the London Eye tomorrow.” He whispers.

“Oh, he’d enjoy that for sure.” You whisper back. You stroke his cheek as his eyes continue to droop. “Such a precious boy, isn’t he?”

“Sometimes I still can’t believe we made him.” Harry says, sitting down next to you.

“Me neither.”

The next day you get a ton of sunscreen on Jack, and you take him to the London Eye. He was scared at first, but when he saw how relaxed you and Harry were, he realized there was nothing to be frightened of. Harry picks him up and points different buildings out to him. You make sure to take lots of pictures. You had taken Jack to London before, but he was still a baby. Even when you brought him for the holidays, he still wasn’t present the way he is now. You loved watching his eyes widen as Harry continued to point things out.

“Mumma, look!” Jack points like Harry does and you giggle.

“I see, Jack, isn’t it pretty?” Jack nods to you and continues to look out the large window.

He was fast asleep by the time you got him back to the flat. You and Harry had a full day with him, and he barely fussed. You tuck him in and leave the bedroom door open only a crack. You join Harry out in the living room and snuggle up to him.

“He was so good today.” You say.

“Mm, the long plane ride must’ve just messed him up.”

“Maybe something to put him to sleep on the way back wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

“Yeah, wouldn’t want him to be jet lagged.” Harry scoffs. “He’s lucky he’s cute.” He jokes as you shake your head at him.

//

The school year would have been off to a great start if you didn’t feel nauseous almost every morning you needed to get up. It was difficult pulling yourself from the warm bed and getting Jack up. Harry was up before you most mornings to catch the train. You hadn’t told him about your symptoms yet, in fear of getting too excited over nothing.

The day you had to leave class to go run down the hall to the bathroom to puke, though, was when you knew you needed to take a test. You pick one up from the school’s bookstore before grabbing Jack from day care.

“How was your day, honey?” You say to him as you drive home.

“Good, Mumma.”

“Did you play nice with the other kids?”

“Mhm.”

“That’s good.” You smile. “You like playing with the other kids?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a best friend?”

“Yes.”

“What’s their name?”

“Ryan.”

“That’s a nice name.”

“Mhm.”

“Would you ever want to have Ryan over for a playdate?”

“Oh, yes, Mumma!” He exclaims.

“Okay, I’ll speak with Ryan’s Mummy or Daddy next time I pick you up.”

“Yay!”

When you get home, you get Jack set up with his coloring book on the kitchen floor while you start to put dinner together. You think Caesar salad would be a good dinner, and you could make some chicken nuggets for Jack. Just as you’re finishing everything up, you hear Harry coming up the stairs from the basement.

“Daddy!” Jack sprints over to him and hugs Harry’s legs.

“Hey, buddy.” He says tiredly and scoops him up. “Hi, angel.” He kisses your cheek. “Ooo, Caesar salad, yum.”

“I crisped up some tofu for us too. I’m just waiting for his chicken nuggets to finish in the toaster oven.”

“Alrighty, Jack what do you say we wash up for dinner, hm?”

You smile as Harry takes him down the hall to the bathroom. You clean up the crayons and coloring books from the kitchen floor, and get everything plated up. Harry puts Jack down in his booster seat and cuts up his chicken nuggets.

“Buster!” You whistle for him and he comes trotting in. “Here’s your dinner, baby.” You pat the top of his head before sitting down. “How was your day?”

“Good, really busy though. Our intern started today so I was runnin’ around showing them everything. You know how that goes. In a couple of weeks he’ll be a bigger help.”  You hum your response. Just as you’re about to bite into the salad, you get a whiff of the dressing you usually love. You gag slightly and stand up. “What’s wrong?”

You shake your head and run down to the bathroom to throw up. Harry gets up and calls for you. You rinse your mouth out and come back out to the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry, I’m fine.” You dig into your purse for the item you bought earlier and toss it on the table.

“Are you serious?” He perks up.

“I think so. I’ve been puking a lot, just like how I did with him.”

“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” He frowns.

“I didn’t wanna get your hopes up…I don’t know. I’ll take it now.” Harry nods and sits back down to continue making sure Jack ate all his food. You come back out shortly.

“Three minutes.” You say. “I can’t eat this, ugh.”

“Can I make yeh anything else?”

“No, it’s fine. I might just munch on some crackers.” You look at Jack. “He needs a bath. Let’s get that all set before we look at the test, okay?”

“Alright.”

You and Harry give Jack a nice tubby time before reading him a story and getting him tucked into bed. You change into some pj’s, as does Harry. You both go into the downstairs bathroom to look at the test that’s been sitting there waiting for you. Harry snatches it from the counter and his eyes gloss over. He grins as he shows it to you.

“Oh my god.” You gasp.

“Guess you’ll need to see Dr. Johnson soon, huh?”

“Harry!” You squeal as you wrap your arms around his neck. He wraps his around your waist and holds you close. You kiss him and nuzzle into his chest. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

“We should keep it quiet for a bit like we did last time…just in case.”

“I agree, we won’t say anything.”

“I’ll call Dr. Johnson tomorrow. I’ll see if she can fit me in Friday since I don’t teach.”

“Sounds good, then I can meet you in town.”

//

Friday morning you drop Jack off at day care. You and Harry agreed even though you didn’t teach on Fridays, it was still a good idea for him to go to day care five days a week. It gave you a day to yourself to do whatever you needed to do.

Harry meets you at Dr. Johnson’s, and just like last time she was able to give you the good news. You were roughly eight weeks along. You could hear the baby’s heartbeat, which made you both tear up. As you left the doctor’s office, Harry joked around that you had to have conceived in London. The two of you grab a late lunch together before you go to pick Jack up. His friend Ryan would be coming over tomorrow to play.

Not many people had the pleasure of knowing your husband since you were always picking up and dropping Jack off. Only your students had ever really seen Harry. Ryan’s mother comes in for a few minutes to chat. She was a staff member in the registrar’s office.

“Jack’s been so excited. Would you like to come outside? Harry put together a jungle gym for Jack, they’ve gotta be playing on it already.”

“Sure! Thanks.” Her name was Lisa, and she was lovely. “Oh, that’s a good one. We have a similar one at our house.” She says as she steps out the sliding glass door. Harry was standing off to the side watching the boys play. “That’s your husband?” Her jaw nearly drops.

“Mhm.” You beam. “Harry, come say hello to Lisa.” You wave him over.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet yeh, Jack talks about Ryan all the time…or at least he mumbles about him.” He shakes Lisa’s hand.

“Nice to meet you too. So…wow, you’re, uh, British?”

“Yeah, grew up a few hours outside of London.”

“How did you two meet, I know you go to London quite a bit, were you on a trip?” The three of you sit down at the glass table you had in the shade on the patio.

“Oh gosh, no.” You giggle. “We met through a mutual friend. Harry went to college here. Our best friend Niall, who actually lives right down the street, set us up. Niall and I used to work together, and he and Harry went to school together.”

“Oh, I see.” She chuckles. “That’s cute, so it was a blind date then?”

“Mhm.” Harry puts his hand over yours and gives it a squeeze.

“How did you and your husband meet?” You ask.

“He’s a professor, like you. He’s in the Environmental Science department. We had kept emailing back and forth about the course catalog, and one day we finally decided to meet in person because emailing just got annoying. After the meeting he asked me if I wanted to get coffee and the rest was history. We’ve been together about ten years now. Ryan has two older siblings, he was sort of a surprise.” She laughs.

“How old are your other kids?” Harry asks.

“My oldest daughter is eight, and my other son is seven. Sort of had them back to back. Thought we were done, but here we are. Ryan thinks Jack is hilarious.”

The three of you look over at the two boys playing in the sandbox near the jungle gym. Jack comes trotting over and pulls on Harry’s shirt.

“Swing, Daddy?”

“Sure.” Harry gets up and puts Jack and Ryan on the swings and pushes them both lightly.

“He’s great with them.” Lisa says, almost in shock.

“Yeah, he’s a really good dad. We do our best to do things as equally as we can.”

“Must be nice.” She scoffs. “Arthur’s too tired to do anything half the time. He helps the kids with their homework, that’s about it. Sometimes I feel like he forgets we have a toddler.” She sighs.

Every day you knew you were lucky to have Harry, but sometimes when some of the people you interacted with talked about their husbands, you thanked God for him. You weren’t sure how people fell into certain situations or tropes, but you sure as hell couldn’t wrap your head around marrying someone misogynistic. Maybe love can just be blinding sometimes.

Jack and Ryan enjoyed their play date, and you enjoyed getting to know Lisa. She said you could definitely do it again some time. That night when you and Harry crawl into bed you both let out big sighs.

“You looked cute pushing them on the swings earlier.” You boop his nose and he chuckles, turning to face you.

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“When do you think we should tell Jack he’s gonna be a big brother?”

“Probably when we tell everyone else, after my first trimester.” Harry hums his response.

“I wanna teach him all about being a good big brother, being respectful, all that stuff. He’s just so little still.”

“He’ll learn by watching. You’re a good person to watch.” Harry rubs your lower tummy and smiles.

“Think it’ll be another boy, or a girl this time?”

“I don’t know, I’m not sensing anything either way yet. I think I’ll be able to tell once the bump starts growing. Jack sat really low, if this one’s higher up we could assume a girl.”

“It’ll be nice to have one of each, don’t you think? Have a little family of four.”

“I’m sorry, what happened to having like eight kids?” You laugh.

“You know I’ve come to realize something about twenty-six year old me.”

“What’s that?”

“He was batshit crazy.” You burst out laughing. “No really, I was. In fact, I don’t even think I was twenty-six when we first talked about kids, I might have still been twenty-five. Fuckin’ idiot. I don’t know how you didn’t run for the hills, love, really.”

“I thought it was sweet. It’s nice knowing when a guy sees a future with you.”

“I was a lunatic.”

“Realistically, you only seeing us have the two?”

“I wouldn’t be upset if we had more, of course. Might be nice to see how we handle having two so young at once. I mean, Jack will still only be going to day care by the time this one’s born. They’ll have similar birthdays too.”

“Yeah, Dr. Johnson said it could be April or May when I’m due.”

“You always said you didn’t wanna be an old mom.”

“I definitely don’t wanna be thirty-five and pushing out another kid, that’s for sure. I’ll be almost thirty-one when this one comes…I could see us having three, maybe. But we’ll see. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, right?”

“Exactly.” He shifts down in the bed to give your stomach lots of kisses. “Make no mistake, though, I’m very excited. Love makin’ babies with you.” He comes back up to kiss your lips before getting off of you. “And this time around it only took us two months of trying instead of five.”

“I know! I’m really happy about that. I think the first time had to do with me having been on the pill for so long, it had to have been. This’ll be good for Jack, to have someone to grow up with. You and Gemma were so close, I love seeing it now.”

“You really don’t wanna see large age gaps do you?” He chuckles.

“And be like Lisa, having an eight year old and a two year old? No thanks. I don’t know how accidents happen anymore these days, truthfully. The second you and I are done making these kids, that IUD is staying in there. Or you can get a vasectomy.”

“Wouldn’t you miss the way my come feels?”

“Hmmm, an invasive procedure for my IUD every five years, or you getting a really quick snip?” You tap your tap your chin. “A truly tough decision.”

“Okay, okay, we said one step at a time, right?”

“Give me a kiss goodnight, you goober.”