#that + my general social ineptitude. I am anxious

[seilon]

gsghshhggg job interview at Big Fancy Hotel in like 8 hours………… fear

[detransexual]

Am i crying because i find women attractive? Yes. Why? Who fuckung knows honestly

[gnossienne]

You don’t post much these days and I envy you because that seems healthier than generally Being Online. How’s life away from the screen?

Perhaps it is because I had the fortune of not being born and raised in the Age of the Internet, but because my personality, morality, and intellectual prowess emerged from actually engaging with the real world and the people in it, I feel less inclined to imagine that I am somehow bereft without it.

To be sure, the internet has its enjoyments and can augment the delights of the actual world, but in and of itself, it is a disembodied, self-perpetuating, hollow chamber of disingenuity, inauthenticity, and capitalistic advertisements under a veneer of progressiveness and self-actualisation. In my life, I have my intellectual, academic, and artistic pursuits, both Apollonian and Dionysian, and am secure in them sufficiently such that the desire to engage with faceless ghouls, crave validation from strangers, and be barraged with intellectually dishonest conjecture masquerading as The Right Side of History™ has truthfully never occurred to me.

It is a dreadful thing indeed, that the loneliest, most vulnerable, and most susceptible young people have known nothing else but the Internet, and have therefore from an unsupervised young age known nothing but, and indeed, accepted wholeheartedly, the parasitic spread of disinformation and social media and instant gratification and objectification and the wholly performative notion of the self. Their insecurities, weakness, idiosyncrasies, depressive/anxious/maladaptive/harrowing thoughts are directly funneled into a poisonous concoction of over-sharing, social ineptitude, and starvation for attention which are then unrelentingly and addictively propelled back into their faces, one notification at a time. Genuine critical thought and intellectual engagement is essentially non-existent, comically simplistic reductionism is applied to complex and nuanced ideas, and bad faith orthodoxy is propagated as righteousness. As the brilliant brilliant Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie published only a few days ago,

"And so we have a generation of young people on social media so terrified of having the wrong opinions that they have robbed themselves of the opportunity to think and to learn and to grow (x)."

In short, life away from the screen? Blissful. Straighten your neck, look up, look up. In the kindest way possible, go the fuck outside.

[embersrevived]

Questions Meme 

Tagged By: @sunflowercecil​

1. What is your name? “Nadir Darvish.” 

2. Do you know why you’re named that?” “Well ... I believe my parents specifically wanted their first and only child to have a name that either honored an important aspect of Parzian culture and tradition or was an homage to a renowned monarch in Parzian history, and eventually they decided on the latter. Nadir (Nader) Shah, if I recall correctly, was a king from a former dynasty who was renowned for his ingenuity and acumen, both as a statesman and military general. His military campaigns and exploits during his reign were so great that he has actually been dubbed ‘the second Alexander’ by some historians. I think my parents had been betting on having a male child at first, but then just decided to roll with it after I was born, haha.”

“Funny thing is, a lot of people just automatically assume that my name is meant to be some sort of ‘edgy’ moniker, like the antithesis of the word ‘zenith’ or something when that actually isn’t the case. Though that certainly doesn’t mean I appreciate the endearing little opposite-nickname that I was recently given, Zen-Zen, any less...~”  She furtively winks at @plague-doctor-jules

3. Are you single or taken? “Single. as a Pringle” 

4. Have any abilities or powers?

“Besides bringing all around me to their knees groaning with my tacky humor? Well ... incantation-wise, I feel I am somewhat proficient in spells that have to do with small-scale, temporary immobilization, like temporary stunning. Though I really refrain from utilizing such spells unless I truly feel the need to do so. The stunning spells really only are effective on small creatures, e.g. rats, roaches, etc. that I feel need to be halted in their tracks before being able to deal with them accordingly. Also some might argue that my horrendous jokes and puns constitute some sort of low-key ‘evil’ ability in themselves, haha.”

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“Stop being an ‘idealized, seemingly perfect character? ... Hahahaha! How droll of you, when everyone knows that I’m practically the most awkward and gauche potato turtle in this here town. That’s a facetious jab at how I’m actually the complete and utter opposite of that, right? Right, it must be.” 

6. What’s your eye colour? “Very dark brown.” 

7. How about your hair colour?

“Very dark brunette, almost appearing even black from a distance.”

8. Have any family members?

“Yes, my mother and father, Setareh and Bardiya,  along with my maternal grandmother and grandfather, Roshanak and Cyrus. No siblings, though. I think after I was born, my parents decided that one was more than enough, hahaha ... I’ve been told that I was quite the troublesome little stinker as a tot.” 

9. Oh! How about pets?

“Well, I’m not sure if I should go about referring to my familiar as a pet, but my  albeit adorable call duck, Ordak is the only one I have currently. Back when I lived with my parents and not the magic shop, I did used to own a boisterous blue budgie, though ... someone forgot to close the door to his cage, and the little poopsie just chirped his wee heart out before suddenly taking off, never to be seen or heard from again.” 

10. That’s cool, I guess, now tell me something you don’t like.

“Well ... I must admit I don’t really appreciate people who are overly snippy or snarky just for the sake of it when it isn’t really necessary, or because they find it ‘quirky’, ‘trendy’, or ‘edgy’ to do so. Basically people who show little consideration for others’ feelings in general, especially if they do so because they believe their elevated social status or sense of ego gives them a pass to do so. And people who just find it absolutely acceptable to do away completely with common courtesy when dealing or speaking with you just because they decide they don’t like, click with, or understand you as a person, or they personally find some attributes of yours irksome.”

“I mean, I feel you must always at least try to put a conscious effort into politely and tactfully dealing with even those you don’t jive well with or like much, I think. Especially because there will always be people you find yourself not being overly fond of, or who aren’t overly fond of you, there is just too much effort and negative energy to be put into going out of one’s way to not be civil towards others, at least initially.” 

“Also overly arrogant and condescending individuals, lord knows I’ve dealt with more than a fair share of those in my time, both in and out of  the realm of academia. Overly pretentious and critical individuals in general also. Though ... perhaps I have been too verbose and ranty in giving this answer, I do apologize. I ... I do tend to talk a lot, haha. In summation: just overly inconsiderate individuals in general.” 

11. Do you have any hobbies/activities that you like to do?

“Writing poetry at times, sketching, drawing, reading, occasionally engaging in mischievous antics, etc. ...” 

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

“Oh, I’m sure ... I mean, I have certainly gotten into disagreements and all that with people in the past, and in doing so the distressed, angry tone that I may have utilized in the heat of it all may have hurt some feelings in the past. And I’d almost always feel some sort of guilt afterwards, even if things wound up being patched up and resolved betwixt myself and the individual with whom I’d had the spat. Though it is never my intention to go out of my way to make anyone feel badly about themselves or hurt anyone’s feelings.”

“But if you meant physically, no I don’t think - ... Wait. Wait. That one time, when the Ginger Floof  Julian barged into the shop and scared the bejeezus out of me with his overly dramatic, villainous entrance, of course how could I so easily forget ...” However, she does avert her gaze to the ground in shame as she recalls the events of that fateful night. “Well ... I did hurt Julian that ... one time when I threw that glass bottle during the invasion that one night, but I ... I didn’t know who he was at the time, and I certainly had zero idea as to what his intentions were ... though that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel the occasional pang of guilt, especially when I specifically recall that graphic image of the blood pooling and dripping down his cheek as a result of the injury inflicted around his eye.”

A sad, remorseful look engulfs the apprentice’s face before she snaps out of the flashback. “Ah ... I do apologize, ehr ... next question, please.” 

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

“No. Though I’ve perhaps come close to doing so with my barrage of gods-awful puns” 

14. What kind of animal are you?

“I have been told by a few in the past that because of my more timid nature, I can be akin to a small rodent, like a mouse or a hamster, at times. Though my familiar is currently a wee baby call duckling who, though rather sweet and cute, can be quite the boisterous little stinker at times, which I’ve been told is apparently another side of me that is ‘unlocked’ once I get to know people and am coaxed out of my shell. So I guess it’s somewhat fitting in that sense, haha.” 

15. Name your worst habits?

“I tend to become distracted fairly easily, I reluctantly admit. Also, I ... I tend to allow my insecurities and anxieties take control and cause me to make decisions or act in ways that ultimately prove to be counterproductive. Also over analyzing things, people, and situations almost to the point of obsession, to the point where I find myself often skeptical and cynical of other’s motives and sincerity, allowing my insecurities and fears to hinder and inhibit me mentally and socially.” 

16. Do you look up to anyone?

“I look up to any individual who remains steadfast and dedicated to their cause or line of work, whether it be academic, scientific, humanitarian, etc. in nature, and shows a genuine interest in acquiring knowledge in their selected field of interest and applying that knowledge for the betterment of others. I admire anyone who has defined themselves and devoted their purpose to the likes of altruism, benevolence, and kindness. A certain auburn-haired, fugitive physician would be the quintessential example of this, along with his lovely and equally sweet sister.” 

“I also admire those who yet manage to be levelheaded and resolute in the face of adverse situations, those who seem to know how to improvise, adapt, and persist in the face of any given hardship, or who devote themselves to supporting and assisting others finding themselves in such situations. My father comes to mind.”

17. Are you straight, gay, or bisexual?

“I believe I’m straight ... Though these sorts of things have been said to not be entirely black and white, with it being a spectrum and all, so who can really say for sure?” 

18. Do you go to school?

“Been there, done that, haha.” 

19. Ever wanted to marry and have kids one day?

“I’ve never even really ... been in a relationship before, so I must admit that the thought of marriage has been a more distant one, and children even more so. One step at a time I guess? Ahahahaha ...” Sweat drop. 

“Though me, in any sort of relationship, with my awkward and anxious tendencies? Is that even possible” 

20. Do you have any fans?

“Why yes, I do as a matter of fact.~” And with that, she proceeds to whip out an intricately designed, vibrantly hued hand fan that Asra had brought her back from one of his previous travels. And yes, she knows very well that is not quite what the question meant. Something of a cheeky grin forms on her visage shortly after giving this response. 

21. What are you most afraid of?

“...Failure. My internalized insecurities and anxieties mentally obstructing my path and goals and clouding my vision and perception of the future. Not being good enough, ineptitude, then possibly dying after having ultimately accomplished little more than becoming carrion for the microbes and worms to feast upon. ... Wow, that definitely came out darker than I had initially intended, ehr ... sorry about that.” 

22. What do you usually wear?

“Ah, just the usual casual dresses, shirts, and pants, truthfully nothing fancy in the least.” 

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

“Ohh ... I’m sure there are a myriad of dishes that could be used to answer this, but if I had to settle on one? Pomegranate chicken, especially like my mother makes it, especially when coupled with this fizzy carbonated yogurt beverage that we have back home in Parzia ... you’d have to actually see and try it if you don’t know what I’m referring to, haha; it sounds a bit weird to those who didn’t grow up with it.” 

24. Am I annoying to you?

“Ah, no, not at all ... am I annoying to you? I do hope ... that I haven’t been overly loquacious or rambling in giving my answers? If so, my apologies.” 

25. Well, it’s still not over!

“Aha, great. Wait ... that wasn’t meant sardonically, I promise, a-apologies if it came out sounding like that. Please continue.” 

26. What social class are you?

“I’d say more of the middle class, perhaps more on the lower end. Though we know that in the eyes of a certain gilded and flamboyant noble, that we are all seen equally as commoners and peasants, haha.” 

27. How many friends do you have?

“Uh ... well, I definitely consider Mas- ... I mean Asra to be a kind companion and friend ... and then there is Julian, whose company I’ve come to be rather at ease with to the point of engaging in regular banter and teasing. Portia is positively delightful and lovely as well. The Devorak duo is a true blessing, seriously. Such sweet, benevolent siblings. Selasi is rather amiable too, and I’ve had many a pleasant conversation with him every time I venture out into the market. Nadia has always been kind and polite to me, though I am not too sure if she’d regard me as a ‘friend’ just yet ... And I don’t think Muriel likes me very much, unfortunately.” 

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Aha, I’m not picky at all when it comes to saccharine treats, I pretty much think they’re all savory, cakes, pies, candies, etc. Though that doesn’t mean I indulge myself in them of course, haha. Certainly could do without anymore junk in the trunk” 

29. Favourite drink?

“Something known as the Parzian fizzy yogurt drink, basically exactly what the name says, plain yogurt mixed with carbonated water, with a pinch of salt and some mint to top it off.” 

30. What’s your favourite place?

“I don’t have one favorite place, to be honest ... Basically any place that is picturesque, serene, and allows me to pacify my nerves and be alone with my thoughts and away from the commotion of the general public, I guess. And I also must admit that the forbidden gardens in the abandoned courtyard that I visited with Julian that one time were quite lovely, I certainly wouldn’t mind revisiting that place.” 

31. Are you interested in anyone?

“Er ... W-well, I’m interested in a lot of people! Each and every individual has their own intriguing persona, a-after all ... Especially those towering, swaggering, cockily grinning types who tease yet become tomato-blushing, flustered messes the instant you give them even the smallest sample of their own medicine.” 

32. That was a stupid question…

“Ah, no, not really actually...” 

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

“The lake, at least I’m less likely to be encountering any aquatic creatures bearing sharp teeth in a freshwater body as opposed to the saline, haha. Also already having to experience one type of “shark week” is more than enough.” 

34. What’s your type?

“Er ... Well, I guess just someone who’s kind, sincere, considerate, with a good sense of humor. Because honestly, even if someone is generally perceived as being ‘classically attractive’ or whatnot, it really matters little if their personality is unpleasant or lacking in general. To be honest, I really don’t have a specific ‘type’ so to speak...” 

35. Any fetishes?

Something of a dumbfounded expression appears on the apprentice’s face, though she is quick to vehemently shake her head. “What? Uhhh .... no? Not that I ... know of? No. Ahem, next question, if you please.” A crimson hue proceeds to engulf her cheeks. 

36. Camping or outdoors?

“Uhh ... wait, camping takes place outdoors? ... Unless you mean camping vs. just walking about and enjoying the outdoors in general, in which case I must say the latter. Just ... the thought of all sorts and species of creepy crawlies clambering over me while I’m trying to sleep in a tent would make camping the less preferable option.” 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tagging: @plague-doctor-jules​ @conceitedxglory​ @nevivorona​ @asrage​ @humortremors​ @caesiis​ @unlicensedmartyr​ @bluemoontm​ @mnemosys​ @bitters-enthusiast @strsha

Questions: 

1. What is your name?

2. Do you know why you’re named that?”

3. Are you single or taken?

4. Have any abilities or powers?

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

6. What’s your eye colour?

7. How about your hair colour?

8. Have any family members?

9. Oh! How about pets?

10. That’s cool, I guess, now tell me something you don’t like.

11. Do you have any hobbies/activities that you like to do?

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

14. What kind of animal are you?

15. Name your worst habits?

16. Do you look up to anyone?

17. Are you straight, gay, or bisexual?

18. Do you go to school?

19. Ever wanted to marry and have kids one day?

20. Do you have any fans?

21. What are you most afraid of?

22. What do you usually wear?

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

24. Am I annoying to you?

25. Well, it’s still not over!

26. What social class are you?

27. How many friends do you have?

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

29. Favourite drink?

30. What’s your favourite place?

31. Are you interested in anyone?

32. That was a stupid question…

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

34. What’s your type?

35. Any fetishes?

36. Camping or outdoors?

[inhalareexhalare]

The menstrual cycle begins. I usually feel pain until the third day at most, but I can move just fine.

Slow, but with fight in it Like embers of honey

It scorches the eyes But is sweet to the palm

Did you know by the way? The faster and the hotter you heat honey, the more you reduce its nutritional value. So yes, while it has a very warm color, its temperature is usually not the same :)

2018-10-23 10:00 Philippines Tuesday

My daytime journal has been discontinued due to its tendency to take over my whole identity. I somewhat live [a double life], you could say, and I am now exploring my nighttime psyche.

This is my heartfelt "letter" to @neweresth​ (CHECK OUT neweresth IN YOUR DASHBOARD BTW IT WILL ROCK YOUR DORMANT WORLD), who inspires me to keep learning and discover my photographic sense.

True enough, this nighttime journal has been a very big compilation of crunchy insights to my deep-deep-down subconscious, which in my opinion takes a big bite off the whole pie of what makes the self.

I've been anxious about how to teach for a time now. It's like a secret calling, a secret dream that I have that I quietly—and secretly—shut off every time it resurfaces.

The reason is my ineptitude with socializing. Communication, especially verbal, has always been hard for me.

My English teachers throughout my school life (and even outside its premises) have doubted my authorship of countless papers I've written, all due to the fact that I navigate speech poorly, yet apparently write eloquently enough above my age.

That has discouraged me from honing my lesser swords. The possibility of never growing out of anything.

But that's bullshit.

I write because I love. I write because I want to communicate. Communicate!

I write for no one else other than for the truths that live inside me, and they are written for no one else but others who could do with a genuine story that cares about their beautiful and suffering minds.

I am socially inept. I am antisocial, by the world's standards. But that doesn't change what I write for.

I write to learn.

Likewise I will teach to learn.

Maybe I am bad at it. Maybe it takes talent.

But nothing good has ever touched and transformed hearts and minds other than that which has originated from those very things.

Talent is a gift indeed.

But heart even more so; it is both curse and privilege.

The pain that makes us human. The agony that teaches us what is real. The happiness that guides us to what is worth living for.

If I had all power, and all talent, all knowledge, and all beauty. If I had all riches, and all the admiration, and fame, and number of friends--

If I have not love, I am nothing.

PS I really do love movies. If you’re an aspiring writer, or a writer with fluctuating inspiration, do watch The Rewrite. Check out  1 Corinthians 13:2

“And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” 

2018-10-23 18:07 Philippines Tuesday

"Keenness, spontaneity, and trusting the moment..."

I entered the room to discover a Thor exploring the wonders of my film-filled laptop.

I took my favorite Nuyorican Poets Cafe book to read and learn. Stepped out to the living room filled with people and stretched my legs to feel at home on the couch. I made a re-friend! :) Yana approached me and asked about the book.

I didn't know she was interested in prose and poetry! She also writes snippets here and there sometimes. I told her to collect them.

I asked for recommendations, since strangely enough, even though I like to write I don't have a wide background when it comes to poetry from the celebrated and the local poets alike.

I don't know why I didn't read them sooner.

Keep learning!

2018-10-23 19:31 Philippines Tuesday

To Karu:

Sorry for imposing on you last night. I just really do value good sleep. I don't know about you but I can't workout without it, and it also affects the general mood and brain function.

I still don't know what to do about it. Everyone seems to enjoy not sleeping at night, but I don't feel like conforming to it especially since I see its daily effects on me. You can actually join stuff like that if you like. I was thinking that we both need sleep desperately, but I realized that I might have been forcing/pressuring you to go to bed.

Though I do request to have no guests in the late night of this approaching Saturday. I'm going to need tons of energy and also an early alarm since I will be called for work (thank God they allowed me to go to church first)

(Even if I did only request it, that doesn't change what it might have felt to you. So again, I apologize if a part of you was in unease or anything.)

I love you

[25 minutes later]

I would like to kiss you all over, but that will rouse you from sleep.

I love you, and I love you to death.

2018-10-24 06:21 Philippines Wednesday

From Isla:

"My tita and tito from [the] US are here in the PH right now

"and they said im too young to be in a relationship.

"and gave this vibe like......don't be in one right now.

"i really appreciate the love and support from them ofc

"it's just....medj na-down ako lol" [I was a bit downhearted lol]

To Isla:

I'm assuming they aren't free thinkers, your aunt and uncle hahaha

They probably are right, but if you think about it that observation is only relative to an imaginary concept which is the future

In my opinion, no one is too old, and no one is too young. It's never too late, and it's never too early

There's only now, and a moment's opportunity to come to a decision

There's only now, and a moment's commitment to be true to who you are at this point in time

Only what is existent after all counts as truth :) the future is yet to happen, and both possible and unlikely

Entrusting the sense of reality to tomorrow, in other words, a question mark seems illogical to me

The BEAUTIFUL book you gave me about the deaf-mutes gave me this idea

The future is not a universal or "natural" concept

[Check out Seeing Voices by Oliver Sacks]

And the past is not more real than a memory is. And we all know how nearly inexistent memories are. That's all they are--memories.

From Isla:

"Those are beautiful thoughts. :)

"Reading it really helped me.

"I'm thankful that i have you in my life."

[An hour later]

"Did other people tell you the same thing before? if you don't mind me asking

"Have you ever been so hard on yourself one time in your life, and eventually you stopped it?

What did you do to overcome it?"

To Isla:

Personally, it takes me a continuous amount of effort to stand up against the self-hatred. Some say it's a lifelong sickness we have as humans, and it seems true to me

(also, writing heals both the writer, and hopefully the reader, so it's mutually a good thing, hopefully hahaha)

It's like the motivation to commit to a vocation

It's not natural to be motivated at every moment of your life, but we seek to make it a habit

Habits form the shape that our thoughts and feelings take. Like my nighttime anxiety. It was developed because I gained the habit of thinking that I am alone and abandoned every time these factors come together: it is nighttime, and I am physically alone

I unconsciously associate the scenery with something from the past that reminds me of a similar situation, but is actually entirely different

In fact it dates back to the time I was still very close to my mother. We still loved each other as I grew up, but not too close as to always be hugging every chance we get

It dates back to when I was a little girl of age 5 at most (since the scenes were from my Atimonan home, and we left that when I entered elementary)

Habits don't die on their own. They cannot be thrown away just like that. But, they can be replaced

If I can create a little nighttime routine, even just cue words or a little ritual, that could change a lot. I just need consistency because some nights I'm too tired and I forget to pray or to practice deep breaths and stuff. And when I find myself alone again, it starts all over; I get anxious as hell

So maybe the first step before changing your habits would be to forgive yourself

We are imperfect, at that is incurable. But we have the potential for growth, and that is at least forgivable. We can learn from our mistakes, so we shouldn't let ourselves down from them.

They are there to give us two options: give up, or try again.

Changing a habit is probably going to take more tries than my fingers can count, but hey we're still alive and breathing, so I presume Life is willing to give us as many chances as we need in a lifetime

Failure is unfortunate, but failure is an important mark of what truly matters to you.

If it's worth more than the self-obsessive need to be successful, and if it means your life and your calling and a better world, it's at least worth trying again, no? :)

When people bring you down, they could be there for a good reason, and that's not to bring you down. Maybe that's hardly what they wanted to do in the first place.

We need to learn to assert our own beliefs and stand up to them. Maybe they think it's all just a whim because they don't understand yet how it matters to you, and what it means to grow up.

Growing up means making mistakes (your relationship is not necessarily a mistake haha), getting up, and learning something new.

Learning something new always requires a new experience.

Learning something new always means stepping out of your comfort zone and into unknown territory.

If you end up hurt, that's fine, we're here for you. What's important is that the lessons are not lost. What you learn is what you grow out into.

So don't ever stop learning. :)

Learn to stand up for what you believe in.

Don't be afraid to share what you have learned!

But never impose beyond your personal right to live. Nothing teaches an individual more than a personal experience.

We each take our own paths, and each take our own lessons in life, in forms that we are ready to understand.

And if advice or conversation cannot help your case with them, then you've done your part.

All you need to do is live your life and live it honestly enough for it to speak for itself

2018-10-24 07:00 Philippines Wednesday

[towhomever]

January 3, 2017

3:40 pm

I re-watched “I. Origins” just now. This movie always makes me uncomfortable. The whole concept behind a soul has always baffled me. I believe there is such a thing, that perhaps scientifically it could be perceived as enough similar components of matter lined up once more. Or as energy, that never dies…fermions and what not- I’m certain there have been studies, studies rendered ridiculous but thought of by others nonetheless.

I suppose what makes the concept of the movie so uncomfortable to me is the one in a million chance that he found, lost, and discovered again continually exists in someone else. It makes me uncomfortable because I find the relationship of the protagonist, the scientist, and his lab assistant as better even though he didn’t feel as much with his lab partner compared to what he felt for Sophie. It points out how frightened I am of others. How I can have a civil relationship, even a friendship with all kinds of people – no matter the opposing opinion, but never a romantic. Perhaps because I’m too afraid to change what I initially know myself as. With what happened with Devon, reminded me that when you feel strongly towards someone the tendency is to change without as much fear- and that honestly is what I fear the most: To change myself for the wrong person and to be left looking for that side of me. It goes back to what Abed said in community “If you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn’t such a big deal.” And here we go with my trust issues again…There’s a much skewed perspective I have on people. I take everything as is and consciously I do not condone anyone nor do I condemn someone. But whenever night comes and I’m about to sleep I tend to let these stereotypes in. I start feeling uncomfortable around people, even people I typically am supposed to trust such as my family. I start wondering whether they would hurt me even though they haven’t done so much to make them fully distrust them (except my brother of course). I should look into that.

In other news I’ve been having nightmares again. It hasn’t stopped the past 2 weeks. Mica would wake me up because apparently I’ve been crying and jolting in my sleep. Usually, I wake myself up before anything more happens in my dreams but this time it seems I jolt awake. Not necessarily because of sleep paralysis, but general night terrors.

But it’s past New year so time to make stupid fucking resolutions that trick me into thinking I’m getting my shit together when actually it’s a list of things I wish I knew how to do and wish could be done already.

I’ll try to make it less depressing and with actual instructions on how to do shit. Less on goals, so…

This is less of a New Year’s Resolution list, and more of a New Year’s Attitude check and adjustment guide.

And awaaay we go!

1. Be less dependent on people. 

Do not go to anyone for help this year unless you really, really, need it. Find things out for yourself (BTW go to the Office of the College Secretary yourself and get your fucking permit for shit.) Only ask for help when you can’t help yourself basically, you lazy bitch.

2. Stop calling yourself a bitch. 

Stop blaming things on your ineptitude and start doing things to try to fix whatever you weren’t able to or failed to do initially. Only when you’ve done everything you can, can you say that it isn’t for you- You aren’t a bitch: You’re human.

3. Stop freaking the fuck out. 

I know it sounds bad to have to take a class all over again or to pay more cash on a later date because you missed the last day to pay your rent but spending more time freaking out about how you have to pay more or studying when your’e stressing about studying isn’t going to work. (Exercise whenever you feel uninspired to study, and find something that gets you hyped up so that your brain will start ticking)

4. NEVER USE THE PHRASE “If you don’t do this, you will fail and…” 

That is a slippery slope that leads to actually failing in life so don’t negatively reinforce yourself (There have been numerous studies suggesting why negative reinforcement doesn’t work so chill. Take a Xanax if you have to.)

5. Strangers who have a low opinion of you are shallow assholes whose approval needn’t be met. 

I assure you, if someone were to condemn your entire being solely on whatever little information they have of you aren’t going to change their minds about you. The only approval that you need to meet is your own.

6. If there isn’t much motivating you, then find something to be happy about in whatever circumstance it is. 

Even if it is the worst circumstance you’ve ever been in and you are severely disappointed, be happy that you’re still alive and that you at least can read this through an electrical device.

7. Stop posting about your antisocial behaviour on social media. 

I do not need to further this.

8. Your happiness isn’t reliant on your friends, career, studies, or whatever external thing going on. 

Your happiness is reliant on one thing and one thing only: Your mind. Even if you got a promotion or aced and exam, if you woke up on the wrong side of the bed you will think the day is shit. So if you’re having a shit morning, the moment you have time: DRINK COFFEE (not too much coffee), EAT, and/or take a fucking NAP.

9. Stop romanticizing your problems. 

It would be great if someone can help you, and if you really can’t take it then that is what family and friends are for. But NEVER begin a romantic relationship out of necessity. Make sure you know that even if you didn’t need that person you want to share your life with them and vice versa. Make sure you can do things on your own because even if people wanted to be there for you they have their own issues to deal with.

10. You aren’t alone. 

Plenty understand what you’re saying. Plenty understand you, but not everyone appreciates what they understand. You’re worth more than being understood; hell, even more than being appreciated. You’re worth being committed to. Don’t settle for less.

11. Like someone? Talk to them. 

You’ve spent enough time waiting for someone to approach you. Rule of thumb is if you’ve made eye contact with one another at least thrice that is a sign to start something. “Hey I’ve seen you around a lot I figured I might as well know your name. I’m____” is a good start. 

12. Any human relationship is a two way street. 

No one will commit to you if you aren’t willing to commit. (Likewise no one will be your enemy, if you don’t hate back.)  

13. There is no higher purpose to life other than your take on it. 

Only you control your life. You can contribute to society, but the only way to do that is to fix your life first. So do yourself a favour and be fine.

14. Bring your Rubik’s cube. 

You will get bored, anxious, and/or depressed from time to time and you need to tinker with something other than your phone. (Bring books too)

 15. STOP COMPLAINING: It isn’t going to help.

 16. Stay alive. Don’t just survive: Be alive. 

[sketchesandnonesense]

I know I’ve been making alotta ramble-y posts lately but hey I’ve been having alotta thoughts in my head

n that’s rlly annoying when i’m trying to enjoy my night and relax before i have morning shift tomorrow

SO

another long post under the ol cut

since I’m too afraid of seeking Professional Help because of general anxiety and also being afraid of Costing Money, venting out all my weird thoughts here is the best thing i got

if you actually read these weird things, gods rest your soul

plus, writing things out makes it alot easier to sort through my thoughts and not get wrapped up repeating one thing over and over or becoming so incoherent trying to verbally explain my feelings that i get lost

and I don’t have to worry about dumping everything on someone n giving them the unofficial title of Therapist of the Hour n I’d feel bad later even if they assured me everything is fine

so that’s nice

n i guess i should actually start typing out what I’ve been thinking alot recently bc well, it’s why i’m here n what you’re expecting to read 

i mean

for most people care I could post the entire bee movie script under here n it wouldn’t make a difference

though that wouldn’t really help anything

Nah

think I’ll just stick to venting in these things and save the memes for other shit

sO

I HAVE MANAGED TO BE BOTH IN A HORRIBLY MUSHY AND AFFECTIONATE MOOD

ASWELL AS A PAINFULLY DEPRESSED AND INSECURE MOOD

SIMULTANIOUSLY

BECAUSE I AM THE QUEEN OF FUCKING MULTITASKING 

My main fear right now is that I’m being both Annoying to my friends and Far Too Neglecting

because some i irritate far too often for attention and others usually need to message me first for interaction

and it’s awful

I’m awful

but it’s what happens

I’ve gotten comfortable enough with my new friend I don’t get so anxious i keep from ever messaging them

but i’m not comfortable enough to easily tell myself they’re busy and they don’t find me an absolute fucking pest

 I simultaneously manage to Over Estimate and Under Estimate my charisma 

it’s really weird and Very Dumb

and those fucking stupid mushy thoughts haven’t gone away

they were kept at bay for what? two days tops??

and next thing i know my heart is melting to a pile of goo again and i feel all tight in my chest thinking about things and it’s gross n I wish it’d gone away for good but that’s looking to be near god damned impossible to accomplish

 oh! but it’s not just my total ineptitude at socialization that’s making me an anxious and insecure mess!!

it’s my art!!

because of course, every so often i have to have a crisis that my art is plateauing and it’ll never get any better and my style is generic garbage

because y’know

it’s just something I Do apparently

and i hate thinking about it because it feels like i found an old broken record and put it on knowing fully well it skips and repeats and is generally the same garbage I don’t want playing 

and yet

here we are again retracing my steps 

the same thoughts repeating that things will never change. I’ll never get better. I’d better start figuring out something new to do with my life because art quite simply isn’t and cannot be my calling

of course as a kiddo i had to get fixated on singing and art and continue that fixation well into adulthood 

two things I’m always mediocre at and too terrified to properly pursue

fantastic

I’ve been trying to just think about where I’m at and enjoy it

enjoy the comfortable situation I’m in and enjoy the Now instead of always fretting over the future and what I could do or say or how things could go wrong

bluh 

it’s hard

I see my friends all working towards goals and having things happening or that they’re doing in their lives and I just feel sorta 

stagnant 

you know?

I feel like such a fucking failure and I know fully well my life’s barely started at all

I’m 19 going on 20 for christs sake

I shouldn’t be feeling like this

aaand yet here i am 

ugh

I guess moving back to the mushy thoughts because those have less Existential Crisis and feel more petty (??) and make my head hurt less, though it does kinda transfer the pain to my chest which is Annoying but it’s easier to type with an aching soul than a headache so, on we proceed

I feel so weird when it comes to relationship-y things mostly because atleast a year or two back i really took on the idea of there being many kinds of love and that i shouldn’t be so restrictive to who I tell “I love you” and show affection to 

when I tell friendo H “I love you” it’s entirely different than when i tell someone else

though I’m admittedly pretty conservative with who gets an “I Love You” directly vs who gets my now almost customary “Sleep tight, don’t die!” salutations when my friend is heading to bed. I love my buds M1 and M2 alot but i love them a different way than H, you know?

and then how i feel about another friend is in an entirely different ball park that i haven’t felt since highschool

and one thing that sorta bugs me about myself is

I whine and complain about being starved for affection

I wish on stars for a love and I lament about how I’d cuddle up to the first person to offer but

I have been offered hearts before

several times

people have asked if I wanted to date them and i turned them down

because I didn’t feel that sorta love for them

I love them like i love most of my friends but

not like that

so, I broke their hearts like that

and i feel like I’m on the other end though i guess i’m not entirely sure?

I wanna ask more and try to really pin down what the situation is but I feel so awkward talking about it I couldn’t imagine trying to interrogate the poor soul

i 

I think I’m in love?

i don’t really know

because love is a feeling at first, and then a choice to keep loving them

and i think I’ve chosen to keep loving them and i guess my heart doesn’t do take backs

so

this is a thing I’ll haveta deal with

I have these stupid mushy feelings now and finally someone to pin them on and it’s alittle bit worse than having that feeling like you’re in love with someone you haven’t met yet so you can only deal with the vague feeling of needing someone in your arms and someone’s lips against yours

maybe it is just juvinile infatuation and I’m wrong and i don’t know myself nearly as well as I thought i did

maybe it’ll go away in acouple of weeks and I’ll feel like a complete idiot for being a sappy fuck and making long whiny posts about it on tumblr dot fucking com

but

I keep thinking about it and I just

I know it’s more than just an infatuation

because bones tried to ask if maybe i was just thinking he was cute and getting all mushy over that and honestly i was somewhat offended

like

I can think people are cute

maybe even downright gorgeous to the point they make me clutch my chest

but

I don’t get this way over them

I don’t turn into a pile of lovey dovey trash over just a pretty face

though it helps 

i fall head over heels for personalities

for how people are

and dear god am I in love with that

how they talk is so different from how they type, though when they get really tired it shows more in their typing and it’s kinda adorable

gods do i wish we could skype more but

I don’t wanna bother them too much and they haven’t been feeling well recently so that’d be a dick thing to do

they’re so creative and talented and nice and yes I’ll mention they look kinda cute, fight me.

and I know we’ve talked a fair bit and learned a decent chunk about eachother i still wanna know more bout them n talk about things n learn what they like 

i want to see them happy above all else 

and 

i don’t know what to do with myself

because i don’t wanna seem annoying and i don’t wanna be nosy and i’m just

I’m such a mess I really am 

I wanna flirt n be a bug but i’m afraid it’d be awkward because gods know my only modes of flirting are “accidental” and “subtle as a bulldozer”

sorry if these posts are getting on anyone’s nerves

but hey

atleast they’re under a cut, right?

and it’s My shitty ass blog so i can post as much Shitty Ass Content™ as i wanna

which means TMI bout my depression, anxiety, and being disgustingly in love and having no idea how to deal with my emotions at any given point in time

if you got to the bottom w/out too much skimming, congrats i guess???

have a music that’s pretty relevant to my current emotions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3lF2qEA2cw

night