I Want You to Stay (03) | JJK
Pairing:Â Jungkook x (f.) Reader
Genre/Tags: boss!JK x assistant!reader; idiot strangers to lovers; slow slow burn; k-drama feels; angst, drama, fluff, smut
Chapter (Series) Warnings: foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption & passing out, unhealthy coping mechanisms; family drama; minor injuries; power dynamics (JK starts off as a jerk); work-related anxiety, feelings of helplessness, insecurities; childhood traumatic experiences, nightmares; sexual harassment, prior incidence of domestic violence (PLS PLS BE CAREFUL WHEN READING); arts and business/property devt talk thatâs probably inaccurate; commitment issues & emotionally constipated characters; cold and detached JK; explicit sexual content (specific warnings stated per chapter) (18+)
Chapter Word count:Â 14.8k
Series Masterlist
Status:Â Ongoing
Series summary: Working for Jungkook isnât the same as working for Hoseok. For starters, Jungkook doesnât smile, he doesnât appreciate you, and he gives you too much work. It doesnât help that heâs incredibly handsome and has women at his beck and call. But as the tension grows, it becomes impossible to resist him. Youâve dedicated yourself to your job for 8 years so when you finally decide to put yourself first, he asks you to reconsider. And while you know that leaving is difficult, you learn that when it comes to Jungkook, staying is always so much harder.
Playlist đ¶: on the way home
A/N: I've been thoroughly enjoying your asks and replies about this story (sorry I canât get to each one!) I see that a lot can relate to what OC's going through and I'm sending you hugs! đ€ Again, I appreciate your love and excitement. And uh... Golden JK in that white tank. YUP. đ€ Hoping you enjoy this one!
And as always, my biggest thanks to @wonwoonlight đ„°
PS. If I canât tag you, pls fix your settings!
The spring in your step tightens the closer you get to Jungkookâs penthouse the next Monday. Walking here to start another week, thereâs a mix of emotions youâre carrying with you.Â
You got to spend a proper weekend. On Friday, you made yourself some cold noodles and then watched a movie with Jimin and Soomin on video call, whoâd said theyâll be visiting you in a week. You took the train to Daegu on Saturday, went to the park, then stayed in to enjoy Min-wooâs cooking and the girlsâ stories about school and their youth clubs. You then buried yourself in your motherâs embrace as you told her about your week. You didnât want to say too much, not wanting her to worry that her daughter isnât being treated well at her job, but you suppose you said enough.Â
âI wish I was strong enough to protect you from everything,â sheâd told you softly. âAll I can do is just give you hugs and say words of encouragement that might not even mean much.â
âAnd you still are, mom. I look forward to being with you because of those hugs. But more than that, you were strong enough to protect me from the bad guys,â youâd assured her. âJungkook is many things but heâs not a terrible person. I can handle him.â
And you meant it. He may be hot-tempered sometimes but heâs not evil. But just because he made you go home early last Friday, it also doesnât mean heâs suddenly redeemed in your mind. Sure, he didnât email you at all over the weekend unlike last time, but he also still didnât apologize to you nor show remorse.Â
Perhaps that small nod after he called you telling you that you could go home was his way of saying sorry, or maybe it just isnât in his vocabulary. You wonder if Hoseok had told him off but even then, itâs a pretty quick change, if you could call it that.Â
Regardless, you felt like a human being again these past few days; you just wish Jungkook woke up on the right side of the bed this morning and doesnât find a reason to complain about you.Â
Unlocking the door, youâre surprised to hear silence - there are no grunts and deep breaths nor the sound of leather hitting leather from his morning workout. You scan the floor before walking around - a habit youâve developed after finding that laced underwear last week - and then peep into the door on the right, only to find untouched equipment and no other traces of him.Â
Youâre in the living room when you hear another door close, prompting you to turn around and see a woman appearing from the hallway on the other side of the penthouse. Her hairâs a bit disheveled and sheâs wearing one of Jungkookâs coats that you saw in his closet.Â
âUh, who are you?â The woman scoffs, her arms crossed and eyebrows raised now.Â
Taken aback, you just stare at her, until you realize sheâs not wearing anything underneath so you look away.
You try to make sense of who she is and how you could get out of this situation. You know for a fact that Jungkook doesnât have a girlfriend, at least thatâs what Lucas had told you, but who knows what Jungkookâs been up to since he got back? There was that red laced underwear from last week after all. Maybe he does sleep around like what Do-hyun said. Maybe this woman just doesnât know Jungkook has a female assistant. Maybe heâsâ
âHey, Iâm talking to you,â she says, sounding more annoyed now.Â
âOh. Uh, Iâm Mr. Jeonâsââ
âSheâs my assistant,â Jungkook answers, catching you off guard, given that you hadnât noticed him walk in.Â
Heâs not in his usual workout attire, although him in a white tank top and gray sweatpants with mussed hair somehow seems more overwhelming than him in nothing but gym shorts. You glance at him as he stands next to the woman, whose face suddenly lights up. Not wanting to look at her, you shift your gaze towards the ceiling, trying hard not to look awkward as youâre rooted in place.Â
The woman looks at you from head to toe and you feel her judging you, assessing you, while Jungkook stands there, yawning and combing his hair with his fingers.
âJust your assistant?â She asks, sounding incredulous.Â
âYeah. What else would she be?â Jungkook answers nonchalantly. Looking at you, he nods ever so slightly that you almost miss it, another hint of acknowledgement youâd seen last Friday. âJust eggs on toast. And coffee.â
âYes, Mr. Jeon,â you say, exhaling the breath you were holding and then walking to the kitchen to start on his breakfast.Â
âI donât know, another one of your girls? I see you with a new one every time,â she huffs, sounding bitter, but Jungkook doesnât sound amused.
âWhat are you still doing here?â He asks, walking to where you are then taking the glass of water you prepare for him. âI called a service for you last night.â
âI was too tired,â she says, and you donât miss the sultry tone of her voice now. ïżœïżœYou tired me out, Jungkook. I could barely get off the bed.â
âAnd why are you still here?â He asks, clearly not having it with her teasing.Â
âBecause Iâm still tired,â she smirks, having followed him to the kitchen.Â
You feel tense once more; you definitely donât want to be part of this conversation in any way nor be privy to it, especially given what obviously happened between them last night. And especially not with Jungkook looking and sounding the way he does this early Monday morning.
âAnd I was thirsty,â she continues.Â
He sets his glass down and opens the refrigerator and takes out a bottle of water that he hands over to her.Â
âUgh, how romantic,â she rolls her eyes, finishing it in a few gulps.Â
âI have to go to work,â he tells her, frustrated that sheâs being stubborn about not leaving when he no longer seems to want her around.Â
âActual work, or, you know, work?â She says, gesturing towards you.
You make the mistake of looking at her smug face, the insinuation not lost on you. Itâs insane how she can just make claims like that, and you feel that just like you, Jungkookâs getting pissed.
âCan you just leave?â He says much more sternly now. âI canât start my day with you still here.â
âOoh, how rude,â she giggles. âShouldâve expected youâd be like that even outside of bed. I like that.â
She walks back to the room, leaving you and Jungkook on your own. You continue to work on his eggs while he stands by the counter, rubbing his temples. Youâre unsure if itâs because of her or from last nightâs alcohol, but you get aspirin and also a bottle of energy drink and set them in front of him before returning to preparing his meal.Â
The woman comes back shortly in last nightâs attire then walks towards Jungkook.
âIâm leaving,â she announces, tilting his chin so he would face her. âIâll see you again, yeah?â
Jungkook turns away and does not respond, leaving her to laugh as if thereâs a joke that only sheâs in on.
âGoing all quiet on me now, huh?â She says. âYou werenât like that last night. I can still hear your moans, actually. Fuck, they sounded so good and so loud.â
You almost hit your finger as you slice the apple, clearly not expecting for this stranger to say something so intimate, knowing thereâs another person in the room with them. You donât know if she wants to intimidate you for whatever reason or maybe just make you feel uncomfortable. Whatever it is, itâs working, as youâre unable to focus on the task at hand now.Â
Jungkook still doesnât say anything, and itâs what prompts her to finally say goodbye.Â
âFine, Iâll leave now,â she whines. âBut that was an amazing first time. I hope it wonât be the last.â
Her giggle annoys you for some reason, even more when you mistakenly look her way. Her smug face unnerves you as she holds your gaze while she says, âIâll see you again, okay? Iâll make sure youâll scream my name next time,â the words obviously directed at Jungkook.Â
She finally exits the penthouse but she doesnât take the tension with her because in this large apartment with you and him, you feel a little too hot, a little too alert, yet somehow a little too curious.
Jungkook groans now as he finishes his energy drink, and he doesnât know what heâs more frustrated about - the fact that the woman whose name he doesnât remember didnât go home, or that youâd found out about it in the most embarrassing way and heâd done nothing to stop her attempts at making you feel uncomfortable because thatâs definitely what she was doing.Â
He doesnât know how it affected you but even he can tell that it wouldnât have been good. Not that heâs ashamed of his lifestyle but itâs different when you, of all people, get to see what that looks like. You did see the laced underwear on his kitchen floor last week, and he knows you definitely tried to pretend you hadnât. Perhaps the image of arrogant, playboy Jungkook just solidified in your head and the fact that maybe thatâs what you think of him is making him feel uneasy.Â
Not that he cares about what you think - he definitely does not - but he just doesnât want that to affect how you would treat him in a professional sense, as if heâs some reckless man who works too hard and parties much harder, even if thatâs kind of what he does.Â
The hangover doesnât help at all; he shouldnât have chugged that wine while the woman was giving him head, which was amazing, he reminds himself. He just knows he wonât be seeing her again after this morning because sheâd been stubborn and shameless, and definitely not because of how she spoke to you and the insinuations she made.
âMr. Jeon, your breakfast is ready,â you inform him, breaking him out of his thoughts.Â
He takes a seat on the table and you sit next to him, taking out your iPad to start your rundown of last Fridayâs meeting and this weekâs schedule.Â
âSoââ
âWait, give me a minute,â he stops you, and he realizes just how little sleep he actually got and heâs gonna have to push through todayâs busy schedule despite feeling physically out of it.Â
âOkay, sir,â you say softly.
He munches on his toast with his eyes closed, and when he opens them, his gaze falls on you, sitting upright on the chair looking clean and proper in your blush blouse and beige skirt. You seem to be reviewing the reports from last week, your eyebrows scrunched as you scribble on the screen. He knows you took the hours-long trip to and from Daegu over the weekend; the visit, just like any, must have been tiring. Yet you come to his place everyday without fail, ready to do what he needs you to do, and he doesnât even know if youâve had anything to eat yet.Â
âHave you had breakfast?â He asks.
âE-excuse me?â
âBreakfast. Have you had it?â
âO-oh. Yes, I had some crackers and fruit on the way. I ate on the bus,â you respond.
He remembers your address from your staff profile. You live about 40 minutes from him, almost double if you commute. You come at 6:30 everyday, so he can only imagine what itâs like for you every morning.Â
âWhy donât you drive?â
âI donât have a car, sir.â
âShouldnât that be part of your contract? Or a benefit of some sort?â
âIt isnât. I believe only the CEOâs assistant does,â you respond.Â
âBitna has a company car.â
âMs. Jung requested that when she was still President.â
âThen Iâll request one for you. It's⊠itâs too early. And you canât always be assured of public transportation. There could be delays. Or an emergency that would require you to drive.â
Of course, heâd want you to get a car so that youâre more accessible to him. Just when you thought thereâs actually a bit of his heart working this time, he reminds you why there isnât.
âThatâs true, but nothing has happened so far. And there are other options should there be,â you say. âI also donât know how to drive so there is no need, Mr. Jeon. I leave my apartment early enough to make sure I get here on time, and Iâll let you know if I will be late.â
Jungkook just hums, even if thereâs more he wants to know. What about late nights? What if thereâs a storm? Well, he does know - he did see you miss out on taxis and then just walk last Tuesday; he wonders how you got home then, and how many hours of sleep you had after all that.Â
He lets it go; itâs too early to think about this.
âGood. We can run through the minutes now,â he says.
So you do, stating the points and confirming your actions for each one and then noting down his as well. You try to focus, and youâre able to for the most part, but itâs not easy when he sits just a few feet away from you, with his bare arms propped on the table thatâs just hard to look away from.Â
Youâve always liked tattoos on other people, and the art on his right arm looks so delicate and personal; you wonder what someone like him would value enough to ink permanently on his skin. Even his untouched arm is mesmerizing, toned like every other part of him, with beauty marks that you spot as well. It doesnât help that his slightly long hair keeps falling over his eyes, prompting him to comb them with his fingers every time.Â
What also doesnât help are the womanâs words from earlier, as sheâd managed to make you think of Jungkook in a very different way, given her descriptions of how heâd been last night. You donât know what she intended by doing that, but you didnât miss her insinuations about your relations with him, which are definitely far from the truth. Learning that heâs rough and loud in bed is also knowledge that you couldâve done without. Somehow, he sounds like how he looks - expressive of negative emotions, and the type to drain the other person.Â
He also sounds like the guys youâve slept with.
The thought alarms you. These are things you shouldnât be thinking about your boss, about the man who pays you, about the one who makes you miss meals and buses and who makes you angry because of how he treats you.Â
You try to dispel these ideas by coughing - the loud sound helps, and you also want to distract yourself from how distracted you are at your task because somehow he keeps getting more and more attractive after every glance.Â
He stands up, and just when you thought heâd be angry after your disruption, he surprises you by placing a glass of water in front of you.
âYou can drink, you know? You can make yourself a cup of coffee. You can even cook yourself breakfast if itâs just crackers you eat in the morning,â he says.Â
Yes, you think to yourself. Youâve been wanting to try his coffee because of the fancy machine but breakfast sounds⊠too domestic.Â
âThank you, but Iâm okay. I mean, the snacks fill me up just fine.â
âItâs not proper breakfast, though,â he argues.Â
âWith all due respect, sir, eating takes time away from all the things I have to do. I manage just fine.â
Expecting an annoyed expression from him because you did just imply that you do too much, you instead see the tiniest hint of guilt on his face, as if he actually feels bad that youâre unable to take care of yourself because of him.Â
âYouâre not a servant, Ms. Cho. Youâre not disallowed to do basic things just because of your job.â
âYou have standards, Mr. Jeon,â you say, throwing his words back at him. You donât expect to see his face fall a little, and youâre surprised that you seem to care. âI need to meet them, and Iâm still familiarizing myself with how you want things done, and that takes time. I donât mean to imply that you treat me like a servant because you donât. I just⊠I want to be able to do things right and Iâm still learning.â
The words hit Jungkook. He knows heâd been too critical during these first weeks, and thatâs more because heâs unable to manage the initial attraction that heâs trying so hard to temper. He couldâve gone on correcting you constructively, with no need for harshness the way he did with Lucas when he started.Â
Youâve also been doing this for a few years. Youâve been working for the VPâs office longer than he has - you know the people and the processes more, yet youâre the one claiming you need to learn and do things right. Even he thinks his father, whom he never thought was the best at looking out for his people, wouldnât be angry at those below him for irrational reasons. Somehow he thinks heâs worse than his old man now.Â
But the word sorry isnât in his vocabulary. Heâd rarely ever said it, and the only reason heâd heard it a lot growing up was because people caused his inconvenience, and not because theyâd hurt his feelings. He doesnât know what thatâs like - forgiving and wanting to be forgiven. Theyâre foreign to him, but somehow those are what youâre making him want to know.Â
âIââ
âCan we move on, Mr. Jeon?â You interrupt him. âYou have a scheduled check-in with your father before the 8:30 team meeting.â
âRight, thatâs today,â Jungkook says, letting go of any form of apology he could muster.Â
He nods then stands up to head to his bathroom, and you follow shortly after to arrange his outfits for the week. You clean up in the kitchen after and wait for him to come out, with you reflexively walking up to him to fix his tie and make sure all the creases on his clothes are fixed.Â
Jungkook tries to remain still as you, like everyday, make sure he looks proper. It always took him a long time to get ready because he used to do all this on his own, but with you taking on the unofficial stylist role - which he admits you do a great job at - heâs relieved of that added stress of looking the part of a Vice President. It just also means that every morning, he has to look unaffected as you stand close to him like this, with you tightening his tie and your fingers grazing his clothed chest.
You smell like roses. It feels warm and nostalgic, like itâs familiar but also something new. Itâs refreshing on you, and it wafts through his nose and paralyzes him a little. He tries to hold his breath like always, only briefly glancing at your focused eyes as you make sure he looks impeccable.Â
Heâs caught off guard when you look up and meet his gaze. He doesnât react, but he does linger and surprisingly, so do you. He wants to apologize but he doesnât know how to. He just hopes you feel it somehow with how he looks at you; heâd like to think you do, as you gently bow and step back, taking your things to go down.Â
You go through his schedule while in the car, noting his dinner meetings and that the food tasting for next monthâs event with the art industry professionals that youâre both organizing has been moved to next week, freeing up his Thursday lunch hour.
âIâll schedule my visit at Taehyungâs tailor shop that day then,â Jungkook states. âIâll have a few suits done.â
âNoted, Mr. Jeon,â you reply, adjusting his calendar.Â
He doesnât say anything after. He takes his leather notebook and sketches like he often does, looking out his window only a few times as heâs engrossed in his drawings. Even with all that he is, you canât deny Jungkookâs talent. You only know he took an architecture course but you donât know if he actually practices it.Â
You start to wonder if Jungkook wanted that to be his profession but couldnât pursue it because heâs expected to manage the company with his cousin. You wonder if heâd always been into drawing and the arts, if it was an outlet the way reading picture books was for you; youâd wanted to become an illustrator but your mother couldnât afford drawing classes and that profession just didnât seem like it could sustain you financially. You wonder what Jungkook thinks when he sketches and what his subjects are, if he feels at peace the way he looks, if he hopes he could just spend his days doing this.Â
The seeming warmth in your thoughts about this man concerns you, prompting you to turn away from his direction and stare out the window instead. You remind yourself that this is the same person whoâd made the past two weeks miserable for you; he doesnât deserve warmth from you in any form, even if, for the briefest moment earlier after you fixed his tie, thatâs what you gave him. You learned that heâs quite mesmerizing when he doesnât talk or when he isnât scowling. You also learned youâre quite quick to fall into it when you let your guard down a little.Â
You groan internally. Thereâs a lot you donât know about him and you donât really care to know more; what you know is enough to put you off anyway. And so these moments of weakness - of curiosity, of concern -Â should not happen again.Â
Except, they do happen, over an hour later after Jungkook returns to his room from his check-in with his father. He sits on his chair, his eyes closed and jaws clenched, unmoving for a good few minutes, and you watch from your seat, wondering what transpired thatâs got him this disturbed.Â
It happens again an hour later. He moved the team meeting to the afternoon and heâs now furiously typing on his desktop, making calls, sketching, making calls again, then sitting still with his eyes closed once more. Hoseok walks in, merely nodding at you, then enters the room and speaks with the younger man. Jungkook closes the blinds, and youâre left to wonder whatâs going on behind closed doors and whatâs got him angry and frustrated.
You take your chance at finding out when Hoseok emerges, asking him if everythingâs okay, if Jungkook is okay.
âYeah, heâs fine,â Hoseok says, a half smile on display, something youâre only a tad familiar with. âHeâll manage.â
He rushes out, saying he has a meeting to get to, and you nod, glancing at the closed door and blocked window, wondering what troubles Jungkook is handling on his own. If itâs personal, itâs clearly not your business. But if itâs work-related, then it is. Youâre there to make things easier for him, after all. You also donât want to be surprised and be bombarded by new tasks just in case, so itâs better to know if thereâs something you can help in resolving things as well.
You walk in his room then place the ginger lemon tea on his desk, a common home remedy for hangovers, just in case last nightâs events are still affecting him. You inform him that youâve sent the reports already for his sign-off, and he responds that heâll get to them tomorrow.
Glancing at his drink, he halts his typing to look at you.Â
âDo I look hungover to you?â He asks pointedly.
Itâs clearly not what you meant, but you suppose the insinuation isnât what he needs right now. You want to be swallowed by the ground. He was already calm towards you, civil even, and now thereâs another reason for him to be upset at you. You wanted to avoid any possibility of that as much as possible, and now youâre here, at the verge of being told off again, just because your stupid brain decided to care the tiniest bit.
âI, uh, no, Mr. Jeon,â you stutter. âI justâŠâ
You donât have a reason. Clearly, you canât tell him that he hasnât seemed okay all morning - whatever that means - and that just in case itâs last nightâs alcohol affecting him, thereâs a cure. You stare back at him with worry, but instead of challenging or questioning you, he just sits back with his eyes closed again and dismisses you.Â
âYou may leave,â he instructs.Â
âWhat about lunch, sir?â You ask.Â
Youâd never cared before, why the change now?Â
âIâm fine,â he responds. âCall me when the meetingâs about to start.â
Your stubborn self takes the box of biscuits from the coffee table and places it in front of him. Youâre pushing it, you think, but thereâs a meeting heâll be leading and he canât be unfocused; when he is, itâs all the worse for you.Â
He doesnât react and you walk out. When you enter an hour later to call him, you spot the empty cup and the crumbs on the saucer, and you canât help the tiny smile that you make internally.
Itâs short-lived though, as that whole afternoon, he acts unusually - he barely makes comments at updates, he doesnât make eye contact, and doesnât ask further questions. He just nods when you say youâre heading out at 6PM, giving you no added tasks to keep you from leaving.
You enter his penthouse the next morning to the banging of leather hitting leather, prompting you to jerk from the loud sounds. Heâs grunting and panting heavily, and you just know that whatever it was that transpired yesterday, heâs releasing all his emotions right now, through this.Â
He exits the gym and walks to the counter where you are, finishing the water you laid for him in three gulps.Â
âDo you need that tended to?â You ask.Â
He looks surprised. You gesture towards his hands and he looks at his bruised knuckles; he really let it all out this morning, it seems.Â
âIâm fine,â he shrugs.Â
You didnât think those two words from him would ever make you feel discouraged, but one thing youâve come to learn about Jungkook is that he easily expresses his anger and frustration towards other people. Itâs when he keeps things in that they seem more serious, and you wonder what words he heard yesterday that might have made him this closed off, this quiet, this much more distant.
But fortunately, your feeling of worry fades with each day that passes, as he slowly returns to his normal self after - the focus, the perpetually serious look, the attention to detail, the sketching on his notebook. Perhaps Jungkook just needed a particular kind of release and heâs maybe handling things better now.Â
For his sake and yours, you wish the issue has been resolved, otherwise another blow up might happen and that wouldnât be good for your newfound dynamic thatâs a lot more civil than anything.Â
Itâs Thursday when you get a call at 5 in the morning, just as youâve woken up to get ready for work, and Mr. Riâs voice greets you on the other end.
âHi, ___. How are you this morning?â
âHi, Mr. Ri,â you yawn, curious as to why heâs checking up on you this early. âIs everything okay?â
âYes,â he hums. âI was instructed by Mr. Jeon to pick you up today.â
âWhy would CEO Jeon ask that?â You wonder, as you sleepily walk to the bathroom to wash up.
âHe didnât. Jungkook did.â
You stop on your tracks. You donât recall being informed about this, nor do you know of any particular reason why you should be at his place so soon.
âOh, uhm, okay. I should be ready inââ
âIâll be there in about 50 minutes,â Mr. Ri interjects. âSleep in a bit more and have some breakfast. Iâll see you shortly.â
You try not to think about what prompted Jungkook to have you picked up, so you focus on getting ready and then whipping yourself some fried rice using the leftover seafood from last night. You wonât lie, it tastes delicious. It might be that you just havenât had proper weekday breakfast in a while, but it could also be that youâre energized enough and not pressed for time that youâre able to make this as good as it is.Â
You decide to bring some to Jungkookâs place just in case you get there late. Sure, Mr. Ri will be driving you, but you donât know how the traffic is at this time, and this change in schedule is somewhat making you anxious. But then again, thereâs always bread or cereal for him to eat; you just think that a little act of thanks wouldnât be so bad.
Mr. Ri arrives exactly 50 minutes later and he assures you that heâll get you to the penthouse in half an hour. You trust him of course; heâs been with the Jeons for decades and he knows these streets like the back of his hand. Seated in the passenger seat, you try to figure out what about today has got your boss a little kinder than usual.Â
âI arrived five minutes late yesterday,â you wonder out loud. âIs that why? He has a meeting with a local artist in the morning and he doesnât want me to be late. That should be it. Ugh, stupid,â you groan. âI shouldâve taken the first bus I saw, but it was so full andââ
â___,â Mr. Ri stops you. âFive minutes isnât much. Plus, you always arrive 10 minutes before 6:30 and then just wait at the lobby. I donât know why you do, you could always just go up to the penthouse when you get there, you know?â
âNo, I donât. Mr. Jeon has boundaries and clearly likes keeping his distance. Going to his penthouse before Iâm supposed to be there feels like Iâm intruding,â you argue.
âYouâre literally his assistant, and you go to his bedroom and his closet, fix his things, prepare his meals⊠thereâs no intrusion happening,â Mr. Ri counters. âI know the man. Heâll probably just look at you curiously then go about his routine.â
âWell, since you know him so well, then why did he have me picked up this morning?â
Thereâs a brief silence before the man next to you responds.
âHe did note that you were late for the first time, but that wasnât his issue,â Mr. Ri says, appeasing you before you react negatively and think that your tardiness was a big deal. âHe asked if I knew how you got to Hoseokâs place before and I said you would just take the bus; it was closer to your place so it was fine. They have someone to make his breakfast, too, so you didnât need to come early; plus, you only went every Monday.â
âWhat a change, huh?â You attempt to poke fun at yourself and the new arrangement youâre in.Â
Not that youâre complaining; you know of other executive assistants who do much more for their bosses and what you have with Jungkook isnât even that bad. But it is quite the shift compared to what you did for Hoseok. Youâve figured out your own routine, though. And the commute isnât always terrible, for as long as youâre not one of the unlucky ones, given the recent incidents.Â
âItâs quite the change. I donât think he realized that until yesterday. He also asked me if I know if you eat properly in the morning. Maybe he thinks you donât?â
âIâve skipped mealsâŠâ you trail. âAnd well, I told him that I just eat crackers on the bus. Maybe he thinks Iâm losing focus some days.â
âMaybe heâs just concerned.â
You snort at the absurdity of the statement.Â
Mr. Ri sighs. He knows that Jungkook hasnât been his best self since he arrived in Seoul, and especially towards you. Heâs noticed the young manâs indifference, the occasional passive remark, the frustrated looks, and the tension every morning. Heâs noticed your faraway eyes, too, your constant anxiety, and unusual lack of confidence in your usual tasks, given that you look to be second-guessing everything you do.Â
As someone whoâs worked for the Jeons for so long and whoâd watched Jungkook grow up, heâs used to the detachment, but it was always because the young man often lived in his own head. There are always lots of thoughts and ideas, and lots of feelings he keeps bottled in.Â
But heâs also seen Jungkookâs kindness that he doesnât always show, the guilt and anger that restrain him from expressing his emotions, and the care that he seems to put a brake on when he shows too much of it to someone, and so it isnât much of a surprise to him to him when the young man gave this specific instruction to pick you up, not just today but everyday moving forward.
âThe news on the radio reported on the robberies and complaints of sexual harassment against female commuters last night,â Mr. Ri continues. âThey attack at any hour now. Iâm sure thatâs why. He wants me to drive you home everyday, too.â
âMr. Ri, thatâs too much,â you protest. âThatâs not part of my contract and it isnât his responsibility.â
âMaybe, precisely why I think heâs concerned. It isnât about making sure youâre not late to work or anything. Heâs worried that something might happen to you. And I agree. It isnât safe, ___.â
âItâs not safe for me anywhere. I just⊠itâs too much,â you sigh. âI donât need this kind of service. Iâm not entitled to it.â
âHeâll insist though. Will you argue with him over your own security? I mean, itâs either this or heâll pay for your driving lessons and then request for a car for you to use.â
You sigh, knowing he has a point. You donât think you deserve it but you also canât deny that the concern makes you feel a certain kind of way for him; gratitude, for one, and something else you canât exactly name.Â
âOkay,â you say softly.Â
âGood. Itâs about time he makes it up to you,â he chuckles. âBoyâs been a brat these past weeks. I wanted to just knock some sense into him.â
âHmm, not like I expected any less,â you huff. âHe just looked grumpy or disinterested during the times Iâve seen him before. Unhappy people like that arenât always the kindest. Has he always been that way?â
âI wouldnât say he has. I mean, he just wasnât joyful or expressive, not like his brother. Jungkook liked to keep to himself; Hoseok often tried to push him out of his comfort zone but the boy wouldnât really budge. I think as he grew up, that just amplified. People who prefer being alone have their reasons, donât they?â
They do. You know this just like anyone, perhaps as much as Jungkook. Itâs comfortable being alone; thereâs no one to hurt you and no one you could hurt. You wonder if his reason is the same, and if, like you, he feels the loneliness creep in every once in a while.Â
You nod in silence and the conversation doesnât continue until you arrive at Jungkookâs building. You have five minutes to get to his unit and you get there in three. When you enter, you hear grunting from the gym, and itâs shortly after when he exits and drinks the glass of water on the counter.
âWhatâs that?â He gestures at the plastic container next to you.
âItâs fried rice. I made it this morning because I had time to eat breakfast at home,â you say, softly smiling and then bowing at him to show your gratitude. Whatever his reason is, the act was appreciated.Â
âAnd youâre gonna eat again?â
âI was actuallyââ
You stop midway. You actually meant to serve it to him in case you arrived late, which you realize is pretty ridiculous.Â
âActually what?â He asks, leaning forward on the counter now, with his bare arms from his tank top blinding you a little.Â
âI didnât know what time I was gonna get here so I thought as a last resort, Iâll bring this to heat up and serve to you but then I realized that thatâs pretty stupid because itâs leftovers and definitely not high-quality ingredients and itâs⊠just silly. Plus, you donât eat rice in the morning.â
With his scrunched brows, he asks, âis it good?â
âItâs pretty delicious,â you say. âI mean, I liked it. I donât know how sophisticated your palate is⊠Mr. Jeon.â
You smack yourself internally for rambling.Â
âWhatâs that got to do with anything? If itâs good, then itâs good.â
âIâm an ordinary person, Mr. Jeon. I have normal peopleâs taste buds.â
âSo that makes me, what? Abnormal?â
âNo⊠Iââ you unknowingly pout. You shouldnât have brought this in the first place.Â
Jungkook is disarmed again at the sight of your pouty face. If this is your way of thanking him for this morning, heâll take it. The fact that youâd brought something you cooked from your own place to feed to him is already enough to make him feel hazy, which is why he needs to get away from you right away.
âJust heat it up. Iâll have that. Thereâs not much food in here anyway,â he says, walking away, leaving you no room to resist.
You do as youâre told, not wanting to overthink and change anything. You do check the cupboard and see a stashed pantry, and you wonder if heâd wanted to find something to criticize about your cooking, too.Â
He walks in and lets you fix his tie again, and for some reason, you feel more nervous than you normally do today. You sit and busy yourself with responding to emails as he eats his breakfast, careful not to look at him while he does.
âItâs good, a little better than how I do mine,â he says, surprising you.
âYou cook?â You ask too quickly.
âOf course,â he frowns, looking a little offended. âI lived on my own for years. How do you think I survived?â
âHiring people to do it for you,â you shrug.Â
Peeking at him once again, you see that heâs almost finished with the dish, and you canât help the little smile on your face at the thought that he might actually enjoy it. Itâs just fried rice, but you let yourself feel the shallow happiness from this. Heâs at least not berating you or anything.
He finishes his meal as you go through yesterdayâs meetings. Thereâs not much about the Arts Center he says, just like yesterday and the day before, and you start to wonder if the issue with his father has anything to do with that.Â
You let it go, opting to just follow his pace and let him talk about it when heâs ready, if he ever will be.Â
The morning goes by smoothly. Jungkook meets with Yoongi in his office then reviews the reports youâd sent last Monday. He sends you an email, saying that theyâve been approved and for you to attach his signature for sign-off and dissemination, leaving you perplexed at the lack of any other comments again.Â
He goes for a quick lunch at the dining hall while you eat a sandwich at the pantry, and not long after, youâre back in the car to head to Jungkookâs appointment with his best friend.
Kim Taehyungâs tailor shop boasts of classic European design. Itâs elegant in all the ways that he is, as he stands by the desk in his working space, a smaller room on the mezzanine floor with an exquisite couch and displays of his work. Heâs donned in an orange suit that you think only he can pull off, while his brother, Seokjin, sits on a chair in an impeccable black 3-piece.Â
You know as much that Jungkook grew up with both men, but while the brothers are often a hot topic on the news because of their wealth, their successful businesses, and colorful dating lives, you now wonder how Jungkook managed to stay out of the spotlight despite being a lot of the things that they are.Â
You bow at them after Jungkook introduces you as his assistant, and youâre surprised when Seokjin reaches out his hand to shake yours, bowing as well and offering you a kind smile. Taehyung does the same, and you canât help but feel the warmth on your cheeks. Theyâre clearly incredibly handsome men with amazing styles, just like your boss, but theyâre obviously respectful and gentle, unlike him.Â
âNice to meet you, Ms. Cho,â Taehyung smiles. âSo, what events do I need to dress my best friend for?â
He looks warm, friendly, and you canât help but mirror his smile as he offers you a seat and some tea. You take out your calendar and enumerate at least three big events in the next months, which would require standout designs. Jungkook also wants four additional everyday classic suits, and Taehyung starts sketching on his pad as you speak.Â
âMake one for my event, too,â Seokjin says. âIâm launching my traditional alcohol brand in Singapore in September. Itâll be a big thing so Jungkook needs a fancy piece for that as well.â
âThat soon?â Jungkook asks.
âYeah, it got pushed early,â Seokjin replies.
Jungkook asks you to check his calendar for any activities in the Singapore office, and you state that thereâs nothing scheduled during that time.Â
âThereâs a landscape designer I want to meet while Iâm there. Schedule one with her later,â Jungkook instructs you, and you make a note to coordinate with Lucas, who will continue to serve as the assigned assistant for the Vice Presidentâs Southeast Asia trips.Â
Taehyung finishes the rough designs quickly, given that heâs already familiar with the style his client wants. Heâs done a lot of Jungkookâs suits, which you know from all the weeks of preparing his clothes, and you do admit that he looks best in these custom-made pieces.
As Taehyung takes Jungkookâs measurements - given that, as per his words, Jungkook has gotten wider since the last time - he asks if you have something to wear for those big events, too.Â
âUh, yes,â you say.Â
âAre they from company events from before?â Taehyung asks.
You nod shyly. Itâs not like youâre paid enough to afford a new one every time nor can you wear them anywhere else; there arenât exactly regular fancy dinners and social occasions you get invited to.
âHave new ones made, then,â Jungkook says, his back turned to you.
âUh, thereâs no need, Mr. Jeon. The gowns still look new and theyâre well-made,â you insist.
âStore-bought?â Taehyung asks, his eyebrow cocked.
âUh, yes, Mr. Kim.â
âNothing beats custom-designed ones though. And I must say, Iâm kinda good at them.â
âI, uh⊠itâs really not necessary,â you stutter, feeling a little too shy and definitely undeserving. Itâs Kim Taehyung; his name is the brand.
âI believe it is,â Jungkook says now, turning to you. âTheyâre big events and weâre organizing one with the arts professionals. Some dignitaries will be coming, too, including the culture minister. Iâd prefer if you looked the part of working for the Vice President, Ms. Cho. You represent me in that way.â
âI⊠uh, okay,â you sigh, knowing you donât seem to be in a position to turn him down.Â
âGreat. Start thinking of designs, then!â Taehyung beams.
Itâs some minutes later when Jungkookâs measurements have been taken and Taehyung calls for you. You sit on the chair facing his desk not far away while Jungkook and Seokjin talk about sports and this new club that opened in Gangnam.Â
Seated in front of you, Taehyung takes his sketch pad and starts asking what design you want.
âSomething simple and comfortable since Iâll be moving around,â you say softly. âAnd nothing form-fitting or revealing since, uhâŠâ
âI understand,â Taehyung smiles, revealing a gentle side of him that the paparazzi and tabloids clearly donât capture.Â
He starts drawing your silhouette, glancing at you then at Jungkook before speaking.
âSo, heâs been in this role for a few weeks now. Has he been nice?â
âDefine ânice,ââ you respond, earning you a chuckle.Â
âI guess thatâs my answer, then.â
âI donât mean to say he isnât,â you backtrack. âMr. Jeon just has a different leadership style as Mr. Jungâs, thatâs all.â
âI suppose thatâs quite a difficult adjustment for you, huh?â
You purse your lips and Taehyung laughs, the soft way he does it is something new and refreshing to you. You didnât realize how deprived you are of such gentleness, of such acts or sights as simple as a smile. Hoseok is no longer your source. Your team hasnât been as jolly these past weeks. The only other person you talk to regularly at work is Yoongi, and while heâs definitely been smiling more, itâs a lot more teasing than it is comforting. Youâve been missing your best friends more because of that, you think - Soominâs smile is blinding, Jiminâs is sweet and infectious. Perhaps itâs why you havenât been smiling much yourself.Â
âI wonât tell, donât worry,â Taehyung assures you. âI just wanted to check on him. This whole move has been tough but he doesnât say much. Iâm guessing he doesnât tell you, either, but heâll definitely show it.â
âHe has, actually,â you say softly, knowing now that even with his closest friends, Jungkook tends to keep things to himself. âHeâs pretty stressed most days, always working and stuff. Heâs been a little hard on me but I guess thatâs a natural reaction for some.â
âThatâs not an excuse though.â
âIt isnât, but⊠itâs okay. I can handle it.â
Itâs not as much of a lie anymore as it used to be. Jungkook hasnât been overly critical about things as he was just last week. He rarely makes comments on your minutes now, doesnât correct the reports you reviewed, doesnât talk over you or doesnât yell. Thereâs been a change, definitely, and you wonder what triggered it.Â
âHe doesnât really smile, does he?â You ask, your curiosity getting the better of you.
Taehyungâs laughter is one of disbelief and pure amusement, catching the attention of the other two men but he waves them off.Â
âHe still does, just not as much,â he responds. âIt kinda stopped after the breakup with Chaerin but I guess thatâs what heartbreak does, right?â
âI⊠wouldnât know. Iâve never experienced it,â you shrug.
âLucky,â he hums. âI donât wish it on anyone.â
You glance at Jungkook, briefly letting yourself imagine a version of him thatâs a lot more carefree, relaxed, perhaps happy. Maybe itâs the loneliness and that youâd understand; that, youâve experienced. Itâs both liberating and isolating. You wonder if thatâs how heâs been feeling all these years since then.
âIâm done,â Taehyung announces, showing you three designs that are exactly what you asked for.Â
âThese look nice. And way out of my price range,â you laugh.
âPerks of having a rich boss,â he winks. âI donât want you to worry about anything, okay? Youâre my client and I want you to wear these with confidence. Now, if youâre okay with all this, Iâll get one of my female assistants to get your measurements.â
You nod in response. Thereâs absolutely nothing you would change about those designs. And if youâre being honest, you now canât wait for those events just so you could wear them. Hoseok had obviously paid for the gowns you had to wear for the big events, but those were store-bought that A-yeong helped you choose. Some were your own purchases, but this is the first time that youâre getting measured for custom-made clothing designed by Kim Taehyung.Â
You walk towards the fitting room at the corner where one of his staff meets you. Sheâs meticulous, which is why it takes longer than usual just to get this done. With her silence, however, youâre able to hear the conversation happening outside, with the brothers now asking Jungkook about the same thing youâve been wondering about.
âBy the way, what was up with you last Monday?â Seokjin asks. âI thought that was gonna be night 4 of you going home with a new woman. But you passed out before you could even ask. And that was just 9PM.â
âFour nights isnât much, though,â Taehyung laughs. âDidnât he do that with seven women on seven straight nights when he was in Singapore? That was wild. Was it that stressful there? Or were there just so many to choose from?â
âShut up. Iâm not proud of that,â Jungkook groans. âAnd that was one time. It never happened again.â
âIt never happened seven times straight again,â Seokjin corrects. âYou were really living your life out there, huh? Stressful job, a rooftop bar in your apartment building, chauffeur and butler services 24/7, women from all over the world begging to sleep with youâŠâ
âItâs called the post-break up stage,â Taehyung says.Â
âFor six years?!â Seokjin asks incredulously. âItâs either you loved Chaerin that much, you blamed yourself too much, or you just really sucked at moving on.â
âI vote all of the above,â Taehyung states.
âMe, too,â Seokjin claims.
âFuck you both,â Jungkook groans again.Â
âI think he also just missed us too much,â Seokjin adds. âLucas was cleaning up your messes every time, not snapping you out of it. But weâre here now so I guess three straight nights is as far as youâll go.â
âTwo, if you stopped me last Sunday,â Jungkook points out. âYou both always insisted that Sundays are a no-no. You were too busy with your own women.â
âMay we remind you that you didnât even make it to our table. You stepped foot in the bar then left five minutes later,â Taehyung says. âBut really, what was it about Monday? You seemed angrier than usual.â
âJust⊠a bunch of things my father said,â Jungkook huffs.
âDid he tell you off again?â
âNot really, surprisingly. He just delivered a message basically, about what the board members were saying about me and my project. Bullshit stuff, you know? I just wanted to forget about it.â
âDid you?â
âSorta,â Jungkook says. âI still donât want to talk about it.â
âBut itâs still happening, right?â Taehyung asks worriedly. âThe Arts Center, I mean. Youâve been wanting to work on that since the building was abandoned five years ago.â
âI donât know,â Jungkook responds. âI guess. We already put money into it. Iâll just have to make concessions if my father doesnât side with me on this. I hate to think heâs buying into what those old folks are saying.â
âMs. Cho, weâre all done,â the staff member tells you, muffling the conversation outside that you couldnât help but hear.Â
It felt quite intrusive, hearing how life was like for Jungkook in Singapore, but then again, his personal life seemed to be the topic in the office comfort rooms, and you donât know how to feel about getting confirmation about those rumors. It felt sad more than anything though, living that kind of life away from friends and family. You wouldnât know what moving on from a breakup feels like, but you suppose people grieve a lost love in their own ways; you canât blame them for how they choose to repair the parts of them that broke.Â
But the bit about his conversation with his father is what bothers you. Youâd hate to think that thereâs a possibility that Jungkookâs plans wonât be fully realized, and whatever the reasons for that are, you hope they didnât break his spirit too much. You know the plans now like the back of your hand and the more you learn, the more you believe in it. You hope Jungkook continues to believe in it, too.
You exit the fitting room, catching the end of a conversation where Seokjin suggests a wholesome weekend for the three men of just dinner and drinks. The two other men agree, and they all turn to you once you make your presence felt.
âAll good?â Taehyung asks you.
âYes,â you bow in thanks.Â
âGreat. The gowns will be ready at the same time as Jungkookâs suits will be. Iâll just let you guys know, okay?
âSure,â Jungkook says. âBut anyway, we have to get back to work. Thanks again.â
The brothers bid you and Jungkook goodbye, and you head back to the office with not much words said. Jungkook seems less frustrated, but the worry you feel suddenly returns. Itâs the thought that maybe he doesnât feel supported, that maybe what heâs doing isnât enough, and that more than that, it's him choosing to deal with all this on his own, not even looking to his friends to comfort him.
Jimin and Soomin meet you for lunch at a restaurant that Saturday afternoon. The drive from Busan took longer than expected, they said, but you say you donât mind. Theyâre visiting you like they always do every month, regardless of how busy they are back in their hometown, which was your home for a few years, too.
You were in the same class; your mom worked at the school, which was the only reason why you were able to attend a prestigious one in the first place. Even when you moved back to Daegu, you remained in touch with them. Despite the distance, none of you wanted to just let the friendship fade, and even when they had to stay back and you made a life out here in Seoul, they made sure to visit you as much as they could.
Theyâre why you were excited for the weekend to come and now, youâll be enjoying a hearty meal, getting your nails done after, lounging at your apartment, and then heading to a club for a night out, which you only do whenever theyâre around.Â
âSo, has the boss situation improved?â Soomin asks, her eyes soft and laced with worry âOr should I storm the jerkâs house and give him a piece of my mind?â
âIt has,â you chuckle. âSo no need to call him names or fight anyone. Iâm okay.â
âWell, you did call him a grumpy old grinch with nice hair the other week,â Jimin points out. âSo⊠did he get a haircut?â
âNo,â you laugh again. âAnd that was in the heat of the moment. I⊠I mean, heâs still grumpy but heâs not⊠as grumpy or unbearable. Heâs beenââ
âOh hun, please donât say heâs been kind and then give him a pass for how heâs been to you,â Soomin reprimands. âMean people donât just become nice all of a sudden. And if they do, thatâs a controlling tactic - they want you to think theyâre capable of change so youâll soften up to them and then give them a pass every time they do asshole-y things again.â
âYou watch too many shows,â you frown, although knowing her statement isnât wrong; itâs just not something you can relate with Jungkook.
Sure, he hasnât been the nicest, but he also hasnât been the meanest. Heâs just been⊠him, you suppose - a bit in the middle; frustrated at worst, quiet at best, stoic on most days. He does seem to live in his head a lot, and while you wonât go so far as characterizing him as kind, he definitely hasnât been insufferable these past few days.Â
âIâve just dealt with too many assholes, ___,â Soomin corrects. âTheyâre all the same. Men are shit.â
âExcept for Jimin,â you correct.
âExcept for Jimin,â she concurs.Â
âI accept the honor,â he bows. âBut seriously, ___. How has it been? You⊠you seemed really sad last week and I wouldâve driven here then if we didnât have that work emergency.â
âIâm okay, I mean it. Iâve experienced worse,â you try to assure them.
âYou do know that having experienced something worse doesnât mean itâs fine for you to experience something bad again, right?â Soomin points out.
âI know, but it also means that I know my threshold for bad behavior,â you say. âJungkook was in a lot of stress and I did mess up. But I think heâs making up for that.â
âBy apologizing, you mean?â Soomin cocks an eyebrow.
Your sigh tells her thatâs definitely not what Jungkook has done.Â
âWell, he approves my minutes and reviewed reports much quicker,â you reason. âAnd he doesnât comment as much. But actually, I think he just pities me. And thatâs worse.â
âWhy would he pity you?â She asks.
âI donât know. Maybe because I said that a tree fell on our roof and that mom got injured the weekend before my mishap,â you explain. âAnd then he found out how early I start my day just so I can get to him on time. Heâs made adjustments after those and I⊠I think heâs guilty or something. And heâs just not being his usual angry self around me to make it up to me.â
âSo in short, heâs still kind of an asshole,â Soomin says, prompting Jimin to snort and you to pout. âHe could always just apologize if heâs guilty and realized he should treat you better.â
âSome things arenât easy for other people to say, you know?â You say softly.Â
âThatâs not an excuse,â she points out.
âItâs an explanation,â you counter. âOr one of them, I guess. I donât know him well enough, but itâs better to think that heâs a decent person who just struggles with emotions than someone who willingly makes peopleâs lives difficult. I mean, thatâs easier to manage and accept.â
âIf that helps you deal and heâs indeed improving, then maybe I wonât have to storm his place then,â she smiles, taking your hand and kissing it as she likes to do.Â
She knows your habit of pressing your nails onto your skin, and she always said she likes to remind you that you deserve gentleness, too; sheâll give it if you canât give it to yourself.Â
The rest of the afternoon goes as you planned, with all the banter youâd expect from your best friends amid the pampering and then the chick flick in the background as you get ready in your tiny apartment.Â
You smile at your reflection in the mirror. The high-waist trousers and sleeveless top ensemble is a refreshing sight for you, as you only really dress up like this for a night out. Youâre in your usual pencil skirts and blouses otherwise, and in jeans and tops or oversized jumpers on a normal day.Â
Soominâs done your makeup and Jimin compliments you as he looks on, and soon enough, theyâre ready as well to head out.Â
âWhereâre we going?â You ask from the passenger seat as Jimin navigates the busy streets of Seoul on a Saturday night.Â
âSome new restaurant the guys discovered,â Soomin responds. âI think itâs not far from here.â
âOkay, good. Hajoonâs been texting, asking what time weâll get there,â you tell them.Â
âGeez, you were already with him last night. Tell him to be patient,â Jimin rolls his eyes.Â
Soomin laughs from the backseat as she teases that heâs just being jealous, to which he points out that he just hasnât seen you in a while so the man can wait. And you assure Jimin that youâd gladly skip a night with Hajoon to be with your best friends, no questions asked.Â
You get there eventually, and you immediately spot the group because of the laughter coming from their table. There are four men; the two women are Soominâs friends, which is how you got involved with Hajoon in the first place. You met some time last year and youâve been hanging out with him since then - among other things - and youâve been enjoying it, given the simplicity and lack of drama when heâs not being moody. Heâs a warm body who knows how to use it and youâre a good type of relief, as heâd said; thereâs really not much more you need as you just try to survive through life and make something out of yourself in however way you can.Â
Hajoon waves at you from his seat, gesturing to his left to say heâs saved that spot for you. You head there after greeting your other friends, with Jimin and Soomin following you.Â
Right as you sit down and greet the man next to you, youâre caught by surprise when he kisses your cheek and snakes his arm around your waist.Â
âHey, I missed you today,â Hajoon hums, smiling at you the way he did last night and this morning; it definitely wasnât this sweet when he left for a work trip last month. Â
âI⊠saw you today,â you frown, earning you a chuckle.Â
âI know; I was still thinking about you, though,â he says.Â
You give a smile - as genuine as you can make it - and then turn towards your friends to your left who are trying to hold in their laughter.Â
You order a beer after he offers you a glass of wine, and then go for the pork belly when he says the salmon here is good.Â
âJust craving for meat, thatâs all,â you tell him.Â
âIs there anything else you want? Just let me know, okay?â
You hum your yes and then turn back to your friends after Hajoon makes jokes with his.
âSince when was he this sweet to you?â Soomin whispers with wide, curious eyes.Â
âSince never,â you reply. âI mean, weâve never been affectionate outside of bedâŠâ
âIs anything else different?â Jimin wonders, careful not to bring attention to your conversation.
You look back at how things were before Hajoon left and how it was when he was away. Nothing seemed different. You hung out at his place before he flew out, then you messaged each other every now and then during the one month he was abroad. He was more interested to talk, but given the time difference and the pressure and stress youâve been under the past weeks, you didnât bother much, neither did he.Â
But you also think back to last night - how he picked you up from your apartment, which heâs never done before, and how he prepared a luxurious dinner. He made you breakfast this morning, too, whereas you both usually just sleep in in tangled limbs and then separate once you wake up.
âHe cooked me fancy stuff but I just thought he wanted to show off what he learned during his cooking masterclass,â you shrug. âAnd well⊠he seemed sweeter than normal.â
âMaybe he hooked up with someone while he was away and heâs guilty about it,â Jimin suggests.
âHe didnât say anything about it and he knows I wouldnât mind,â you say. âWeâre not exclusive, even if I donât hang out with other guys.â
âMaybe heâs over the fucking and wants to do the loving bit now,â Soomin offers. âI mean, he always seemed more into you than you were into him.â
âHeâs hot and decent when heâs in a good mood; thatâs all I need,â you admit.Â
âBut honestly, thatâs probably it,â Soomin continues. âI think heâs hinting that he wants to be more.â
âBut I donât want to,â you whine. âIâm not ready.â
âYouâre 30! When are you ever gonna be ready?â Soomin whisper-yells.
âNever!â You pout now. âI mean⊠Not with him.â
âWell, youâre gonna have to tell him soon, then,â Jimin sighs. âBefore it gets messy. And you hate messy.â
âWhat if men just donât have feelings?â Soomin wonders out loud. âThat way, you canât hurt them.â
âSo that way, they can hurt you?â Jimin points out. âNo. Iâm not letting any men hurt either one of you, okay? I love you both too much.â
âWe know,â you and Soomin say at the same time.Â
âBut I agree with Jimin, ___. Youâre gonna have to let that man next to you, whoâs thankfully deaf, go. And then just find another person who can give you what you need,â Soomin continues. âLike, uhâŠâÂ
She looks around the semi-packed restaurant to find some random man to just point to, her eyes widening in awe as she spots a table close by with the type of men she was just thinking about.Â
âLike them.âÂ
You laugh at her, not taking her seriously, but still, you look towards the direction of her cocked head, only to feel your throat dry up and your heartbeat speed up. Your eyes widen in reflex as they meet the piercing gaze of the man whoâd given you a headache for weeks. He also happens to look unfairly handsome in his white top and slicked back hair.Â
âShit, I would totally go for them,â Soomin adds, âand I only even like men a quarter of the time.â
Your best friends look at you as they wait for a response, only to see a nervous look on your face, as if youâre seeing a ghost or something, and the way you turn to them and stutter almost seems like you are.
From the other table, Jungkook pants quietly. You finally looked his way, and he didnât know what to expect your reaction to be - maybe a bit of shock, but definitely not this worried. Granted, youâre out with your friends at a restaurant that he and his friends frequent. Itâs not the type of place theyâd normally go for - this is a lot simpler, less private, and more accommodating than the exclusive restaurants and hotels they go to for dinners before heading to a club. But Jungkook loves their pork belly; he orders it every week, and tonight, he was craving for this specifically before going to a private party of one of Taehyungâs clients.Â
Jungkook had seen you when you sat down, and heâd been taken aback when the guy to your right immediately kissed your cheek; it seems heâs barely let go of your waist since then, too. Perhaps the man is your boyfriend - and Jungkook doesnât know what made him think you wouldnât have one - but it also seems that the one to your left is into you, too, at least based on how he smiles at you sweetly but rolls his eyes at the affectionate guy to your other side.Â
But other than the embarrassing obvious affection that both of them are directing at you, what made him lose his senses is how you look, and youâre even more beautiful than he imagined. Your hair is styled, your makeup is bolder than usual, and he wonât even start with how youâre dressed. Itâs a lot more skin than heâs used to - youâre out, after all, and if heâll go by what your companions are wearing, he supposes this is your stop before heading to some club to party, too. Whereas when youâre at work, you have the skirt and long-sleeved blouse ensemble that you wear everyday - still pretty, perhaps just a lot more reserved than what heâs seeing now.Â
He canât take his eyes off you, even as you entertain your suppose-boyfriend, even when you engage in hushed conversation with the man and woman to your left, and even when you stare back at him, the initial shock now wearing down to a look of curiosity. Perhaps youâre wondering why he keeps glancing at you, too.
âI told you heâs got it bad,â Taehyung laughs from the other side of the table.Â
Heâs noticed how his friend hasnât said much in the last 10 minutes, his gaze directed at the loud table close by. One glance and Taehyung knew why.Â
âWell, we told him,â Seokjin corrects. âHe only ever acts out when heâs threatened and heâs apparently threatened by his pretty assistant.â
âIâm not acting out,â Jungkook scowls, finally breaking the staring contest with you.
âYouâve never been this much of a jerk,â Seokjin says. âSo yes, youâre acting out.â
Jungkook ignores them, his eyes turning back to you, and finds you downing two shots of tequila consecutively, then using the beer as your chaser. His knuckles unconsciously clench when your suppose-boyfriend scoots closer, whispering something in your ear, his lips grazing your skin.Â
Jungkook exhales deeply, trying to get a grip of himself. Heâs acting foolishly. You obviously have a life outside of work, and it obviously includes going out for dinner and drinks with friends, having a boyfriend, and enjoying your youth the way he is. Thereâs a world outside of the routine youâve both created, of the silence you both share, and the time you spend together, unknowingly learning about each other without meaning to, without wanting to.
â___,â Soomin calls your name one more time.Â
âHuh?â You answer, finally tearing your eyes away from Jungkook, whoâd unfortunately captured your attention after you noticed he was there.Â
Youâve been used to his impeccable looks in his fancy suits; youâve even gotten used to his tank top and sweatpants post-workout outfits every morning, and while youâre still not immune to that look, his night out wear fit for a party leaves you more choked up than normal.Â
Maybe itâs the black jeans that you spot as he sits on the edge of the couch, or the white button-up top with the rolled sleeves up to his elbow, or his haircut that makes him look a little more mature. Maybe itâs all that and the way heâs gazing at you, the look in his eyes something you canât quite read. Perhaps like you, heâs surprised to see you here the way youâre shocked that heâd chosen this place to eat; itâs not exactly a fancy restaurant you know he likes eating at.Â
But heâs here, and so are you, and suddenly you feel exposed, as if the world outside of work that youâve kept to yourself is baring open to the man who stands at the center of what you do everyday. And youâre not sure how you feel about that.
âI was just saying⊠those men are pretty hot and they look interested, too,â Soomin wiggles her eyebrows. â I mean, they keep looking here.â
âOne of them is my boss,â you finally say. âGuy on the right. Thatâs⊠uh, thatâs Jungkook.â
âHoly fuck, hun,â Soomin chokes on her drink. âWhy did you leave out the part about your rude boss being a fucking god?â
âDoes it matter?â Jimin scowls. âHeâs still rude.â
âItâs different when the guyâs hot. It makes the anger more intense, you know?â Soomin says. âAttractive people elicit more passionate feelings sometimes.â
âExcuse me, thatâs not why I was angry,â you pout. âHe was really being unfair.â
âWell, he was. But I think my point also applies,â Soomin argues. âIâd just like to warn you that workplace hotties are a menace. Except for Yoongi - he was heaven sent. â
âAh, the man who couldâve been,â Jimin sighs. âWe at least knew he wouldnât hurt you. He didnât seem like the type.â
âYeah, this dude over here is hot but heâs mean. And thatâs your type,â Soomin smirks.
âCan we⊠not talk about this while heâs there? And while this other dude is right next to me?â You glare at your friends, especially at Soomin whose insinuation wasnât lost on you. âItâs so⊠weird.â
âHey, weâre here for you, okay?â Jimin softens as he looks at you. âJust let us know if one of them makes you feel uncomfortable. We can always just stay at your place and watch horror movies until morning and you and Soomin can lose your voices from screaming and then Iâll lose my hearing because of it.â
His words make you laugh. Thereâs a tenderness in Jimin that youâve never heard from anyone else before. Even when heâs telling you to stop yelling because you live for the thrill of a jumpscare, he says it so tenderly while laughing before pulling you both in his embrace.Â
âIâm okay. Iâm just⊠I donât know, probably just not used to seeing him somewhere that isnât the office or his home,â you reason. âAnd I feel a bit exposed, I guess. This is my world and his is⊠right there.â
You wrap your arms around your body subconsciously, realizing only youâd done it when Jimin asks if youâre cold, offering his jacket then taking it back because Hajoon might smack him or something.
You turn it down, knowing you actually feel hot more than anything. Youâre dressed up and definitely dressed in less, and somehow having Jungkook see you like this is oddly making you shy, perhaps a little too conscious.
âJust donât mind him,â Soomin advises. âItâs a restaurant. You obviously have a social life and he canât fault you for it, nor make you feel weird about it. Just focus on us, okay? Or on Hajoon, if thatâll happen.â
You follow her words and try to block out Jungkook. You do slightly nod at him, as well as at Taehyung and Seokjin just to acknowledge their presence, but you continue on with your meal, as the dishes arrive soon after.Â
The pork belly is a winner; youâll probably come back here for that alone. You do manage to dodge Hajoonâs attempts at feeding you, and your other friends engage with the three of you at the other end of the table. Itâs going well for the most part, until Hajoon starts to act a little wary, a little tense.
âHey,â he says, leaning close to you. âThe guy on the other table has been looking at you all night. Itâs kinda annoying.â
You glance at Jungkookâs table and he looks away when you do. âOh, just donât mind him,â you wave Hajoon off. âMaybe I remind him of someone or something.â
Thereâs a beat of silence, and you feel him tense even more, as you look up and see that heâs staring down the man on the other side. Hajoonâs had a bit to drink, and you know he tends to be cocky and irrational when he is. You groan once he shakes his head, saying heâs gonna give âthat strangerâ a piece of his mind because âhe canât be looking at my girl like that.â
The initial annoyance you feel turns into panic once he stands from his seat and storms to the other table. You follow him, with your friends just looking in worry. His friends are more encouraging of what he wants to do though.Â
âWhat the fuck is your problem staring at my girl like that?â Hajoon mumbles, acting all tough when heâs never threatened nor confronted anyone like this, even when heâs drunk.Â
Jungkook seems taken aback. Perhaps itâs the aggression he didnât expect, or maybe itâs finally having to acknowledge your presence in the restaurant, just in an unfortunate way.Â
âYour girl?â He scoffs.Â
The way the man is speaking to him is quite annoying, but he also knows your boyfriend is slightly drunk, so he dismisses him because Jungkook doesnât need this drama tonight, especially not in front of you.Â
Hajoon hates the way this stranger is looking at him and not taking him seriously. Heâd seen how he kept glancing at you, perhaps trying to get your attention away from him, and heâs really had enough. His words are slurring but this is the courage he needs to stand up for you. Youâve said before how unwanted attention makes you uncomfortable, and heâs gonna do something about it before the man gets to try anything with you.Â
âYeah, my girl. You seem to have a problem with that, donât you?â Hajoon grunts.Â
âMy only problem is you making a scene right now,â Jungkook shakes his head. âYouâre drunk and insecure and youâre embarrassing yourself in front of your girl.â
Not that you expected him to back off, but you didnât actually think that Jungkook would further press Hajoonâs buttons. The man is drunk and insecure and indeed embarrassing, but getting told so is a blow to the ego, especially in your presence. And so youâre not surprised that this just makes him angrier, and since youâve never dealt with this version of him before, you donât know how to pacify him.
You didnât actually think that Hajoon had a daring bone in his body despite being the way he is, but when he attempts to lunge at Jungkook, youâre left in disbelief. Youâre quick enough to pull Hajoon back before he lands a fist on the other manâs face, but heâd been worked up enough that he hits the glass of wine on the table, knocking it over and causing the drink to spill on Jungkookâs thin white top.Â
âMr. Jeon!â You shriek, pulling Hajoon back more forcefully before pushing him to the side so you can get ahead.Â
You take the napkin from the table and wipe Jungkookâs wet clothed torso, slowing down immediately as you realize what exactly it is youâre doing.Â
âI⊠uh,â you stutter, standing straight up and mirroring his questioning eyes.Â
It was a reflex for you, considering that you constantly make sure that heâs dressed impeccably.Â
âYou know him?!â Hajoon asks in disbelief, tugging on your hand now so youâll turn to him.
âHeâs my boss, you idiot!â smacking him on the chest as you glare at him. âAnd you just put my job in jeopardy and for what?â
âWell, what can he do?â Hajoon challenges. âGet you fired because of me? Does he own the company and shit?â
âMy father does,â Jungkook responds. âAnd Iâm the Vice President.â
Hajoon just rolls his eyes but you arenât amused. You glance at your table and gesture for one of his friends to take him, so one of them does. He stands up and pulls Hajoon away before he can do or say anything else.
âIâm so, so sorry, Mr. Jeon,â you say, your head bowed down as you apologize. âIâŠâÂ
The mess on his outfit is too much; the red has stained the white top and you know he feels sticky. He looks like he has somewhere to go after this and that makes it worse.
âIâ I can call Mr. Ri to get the car in here. I can get extra clothes from your travel bag,â you say, knowing that Jungkook always has a bag filled with clothes for emergency flights or check-ins.Â
You get your phone and make a call, telling Jungkook that his chauffeur will be here soon. You glance towards your friends who are still pacifying a drunk Hajoon, and you decide that they can handle all that. Right now, your priority is Jungkook.
You walk out towards the car thatâs on hazard mode outside the restaurant and pick out the top thatâs most appropriate for a night out, which happens to be a semi-loose black button-up. You head back inside, with Taehyung and Seokjin informing you that Jungkook has gone to the washroom, so you scurry towards there and knock at the door.
âMr. Jeon, I have your black long sleeves here,â you say as your knuckles tap on the wood. âJust tell meââÂ
Youâre interrupted by the sudden opening of the door, the sight of Jungkook in his jeans hanging by his waist and his unbuttoned white top catching you by surprise. His hairâs a bit damp and so is his bare torso, as you see that heâs tried to clean the wine off his body.Â
You catch yourself looking longer than you should, and you immediately look away as you hand him over what he needs.Â
âPlease let me know what else you need, sir,â you say, your eyes glued to the pretty wallpaper as you awkwardly stand outside the washroom.Â
âJungkook,â he says, earning him a curious look. âI mean, you donât need to be formal. Weâre not at work.â
You nod, realizing it does sound weird to address him as such in a casual setting.Â
âOkay⊠Jungkook,â you mumble, but even the way it rolls off your tongue is a bit odd. Youâre not used to it, and you hope you wonât ever be.Â
He closes the door and you take this time to calm yourself down. Youâve been so worried since you saw the glass tip over and mess up his outfit, and given his hot-headedness, youâre a little surprised that he didnât fight back. He does have a reputation to uphold but even then, stopping himself from punching Hajoon mustâve taken a lot.Â
The door opens and you sigh in relief; his outfit still looks good and heâs fully clothed, so thereâs no lingering looks this time anymore. You take the top that he gives you, and you take the chance to apologize.
âIâm so sorry,â you start. âI donât know why heâ I mean, heâs a bit drunk and heâs not usually like this.â
âYouâre not the one who should apologize so donât,â he responds.Â
âWell, he wonât apologize so I will.â
âYou didnât spill the drink and you didnât come at me. That was him,â he counters.Â
You just shrug, choosing to just concede. âIâll just return this to Mr. Ri.â
He calls your name before you turn around to leave.Â
âI didnât mean to cause a rift between you and your boyfriend,â he says, much too low and too gentle than youâre used to. âI hope I didnât ruin anything.â
âHeâs not my boyfriend,â you answer softly. âWe just, uh, we just hang out.â
You donât know why you feel the need to correct this misinformation. Maybe you just want to remind yourself because youâre not anyoneâs anything; hearing Hajoon claim you as yours made you want to just create that distance even more.
Jungkook wants to push it, to ask more. The man clearly acts like heâs your lover, given the physical affection and the way he tried to stand up for you. But thereâs a bit of shame as you state that you and the man âjust hang out,â and thereâs that wonder he feels - how can you be with someone without being with them, and if turning away people who are clearly into you is a tendency you have. Thereâs Min Yoongi, after all, whoâd liked you enough to remain as your friend when you needed one despite how he felt. Â
âOkay then,â Jungkook nods. âAnd your jobâs not in jeopardy. Donât take responsibility for a stupid act you didnât do.â
You bow in thanks, not much used to this side of him thatâs understanding and even calm. You suppose heâd seen you worry about your job, had seen you look embarrassed over something that you didnât even do, and perhaps he saw the discomfort over how Hajoon was talking about you.Â
Youâre about to walk out of the hallway when his call of your name stops you again, prompting you to turn around.
âAbout earlier⊠did I⊠did I make you feel uncomfortable?â He asks, the worry in his voice surprising you.Â
You debate over playing it down or telling the truth, but you go with the latter.Â
âA⊠a little,â you admit, looking away.Â
You hear him sigh, and thereâs a look of guilt in his eyes as you turn to him.Â
âIâm soââ
The footsteps of another diner in the hallway disrupts him, and you both make way so he can use the washroom, too. Perhaps you and Jungkook had taken so long, and you donât want others to conspire about whatâs happening, so you walk out and tell him again that youâll just return his clothing to Mr. Ri.Â
From your table, Soomin and Jimin watch the awkwardness of your parting of ways, with you scurrying out the door and Jungkook returning to his seat with a deep sigh before glaring at Hajoon.
âHe does sound and look like an asshole, aside from being hot,â Soomin observes. âThatâs totally ___âs type.â
âAre you saying she likes her boss?â Jimin asks incredulously.Â
âIâm just saying thatâs her type, not that she likes him,â Soomin corrects. âThereâs a difference. I still hate him for making things hard for her. I wish he would stop treating her like that. You and I know she wonât quit anytime soon. Especially because heâs a Jeon.â
âI know,â Jimin sighs. âI wish we could protect her from all this, too. But sheâs always done what she wanted to do. And we wait for her to tell us when things are hard; we just hold her hand whenever it is.â
âThatâs all we can do, I guess,â Soomin responds. âSometimes though I wish sheâd just⊠let someone else do more than just hold her hand, you know? It couldâve been Yoongi, or even Hajoon before all this mess. It couldâve been you.â
âYou know thatâll never happen,â Jimin laughs bitterly, with Soomin knowing exactly what he means. âYouâre only ever just her friend or her lover; you canât be both.â
Soomin hums in agreement, as sheâd seen you draw the line with the men youâd come across with. Youâd make it clear if friendship is all you want; youâd be straightforward if itâs just sex youâre seeking. You give either just your heart or your body and youâre always careful not to give both. There are parts of you that you donât want to share, that you donât want to expose to them; thereâs a kind of hurt that you donât want to experience.Â
They watch you walk back inside and then head to their table, where you sit next to a buzzed Hajoon who still has half a mind to look at you guiltily.Â
âI think Iâll head back home after this,â you tell the group. âKinda not in a partying mood anymore.â
Your other friends apologize on Hajoonâs behalf, proceeding to ask you if that was really your boss and if heâd threatened your job because of it, remarking that it would be such an asshole move of him to do that or to even get mad at you for something you didnât do.Â
You come to Jungkookâs defense; he didnât say anything to that effect at all. Perhaps youâd been the unfair one who assumed that he would - that heâd demand that you apologize, that heâd use this against you.Â
âHeâs⊠not like that,â you say, meaning it. You turn to your best friends who have disagreeing looks. âHe⊠he tried to apologize for making me feel uncomfortable,â you say softly. âNo oneâs ever done that before.â
âLook, ___,â Hajoon starts, but you cut him off.Â
âI donât really wanna talk about it,â you sigh. âIâll just pay my bill and head out.â
You, Soomin, and Jimin all pay accordingly and then leave the restaurant, with you turning to Jungkook and his friends, bowing as a form of goodbye.
âHey, why donât we buy desserts at a convenience store and have our own party at your place?â Jimin suggests as you all settle in his car.Â
âThat would be nice,â you hum. âThis outfit wouldnât be such a waste then.â
So thatâs what you do, as your best friends treat you to all the snacks you love - a usual occurrence, really, as they used to do that back in Busan to cheer you up during the days when you were feeling sad. Itâs one of the things that you allow them to spoil you with and they take advantage of that, as you go home with weeksâ worth of goods for you to enjoy.
You also picked up some drinks on the way, so you play some music and dance around with your wine glasses and take shots in between. Itâs too early to be drunk but 11PM might as well be 3AM. Youâre all seated snugly in your tiny couch as you watch some variety show on mute, laughing at the hosts' antics even if you canât hear anything.Â
âTonight wasnât so bad,â you huff, leaning on Soominâs shoulder as you doze off. âBoth of you are all I need. Thank you for never disappointing me.â
They know you donât always let yourself be this sentimental. They also know that when you do, all you want is for them to listen and to hold you. And thatâs what they do, as you eventually clean up and fall asleep on the mattress with them, the events from earlier slowly fading away.
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omg ur taking requests!
can you do some angst to fluff with Atsumu, Iwaizumi, Suna, Kuroo, Ushijima, and Sakusa (Iâm sorry if theyâre too many you can choose whoever you want to write about from these characters, I luv all of them soooo much)
Can you make it like really really Angsty in the start. Like the characters doing something theyâll regret a lot and then they spend a lot of efforts making up for it? Please make it fluffy in the end, I canât handle sad endings đ
Also please donât include anything with infidelity or mentions of it. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me last month and Iâm having such a hard time.
Thank you for considering my request. And thereâs no pressure to accept, I donât mind at all.
Hi! yes I am taking requests right now. đ First of all, I'm so sorry that you had such a negative experience. But tbh, you're better off this way. Nobody needs such an ass cheating on them! đđ€ My ex did that too, with my ex-best friend btw. I also had a hard time but quickly felt better because I realised that it's a waste of time to cry over such a dick. I hope you don't lose hope in a healthy relationship based on trust. There really are good people out there and I hope you find someone who can appreciate you. Sending you a lot of hugs and kisses. đ€đâ€ïžâđ©č
And for your request. I've written three stories for Tsumu, Iwa and Suna. Unfortunately they got a bit tooo long for my taste, so I only made these 3. I hope that's okay. I really had problems making it super angsty (urg, I need more practice for angsty stuff đ”âđ«). As you wished, I didn't include anything with cheating (even though I had a few ideas haha.) and I also added a trigger warning before each story. I think Iwa's and Suna's in particular might be a bit darker... so you can decide on your own if you want to continue reading it or not. Anyway, I hope you still like it, and thanks for your request. Stay healthy! đ„°đ
Regretting their actions
Pairing: Atsumu x, Iwaizumi x, Suna x reader
Warning: angst to fluff, break-up (Atsumu, Suna), mention of abuse/anger issues, mention of blood (Iwaizumi), mention of abortion, mention of drugs/pills (Suna)
Part 1 | Part 2 (End)
tw: mention of break-up
You met Atsumu when he came to his brotherâs onigiri store for the housewarming.
The two of you got along well quickly. And it wasnât long before he kissed you at a party, looked at you with his cheeky grin and said, âTastes better than a victory.â
More things happened that night. Not just simple kisses and when you woke up next to him in bed, he asked you, still sleepy: âYouâre my girlfriend now, arenât you?â
Youâve been together for several years now and were thinking about moving in together soon when Atsumuâs career suddenly took off. He was traveling abroad more often and had less time for you or looking for an apartment.
And then it happenedâŠ
You scroll through the apartment search app for something suitable for the two of you, lying on the bed while missing him terribly. You close the app to go to your messenger, only to realize that you were the one who last texted Atsumu... two days ago⊠Two blue check marks indicate that he has read your messages but has not replied. Your fingers hover over the keypad of your phone and you think about writing to him. Maybe he read your message during training and didnât have time to reply. Maybe he just forgot about it afterwards... maybe...
âHey Tsumu... I know youâre busy but, I hope youâre doing well. Love you.â you type into your phone and send the message with a strange feeling in your stomach. It doesnât take long before you see under his name that he is online. The gray check marks next to your message turn blue, but instead of replying, you see that he went offline again. You swallow a big lump down your throat, your heart feels heavy. Maybe he canât answer you right now... you try to convince yourself again.
Several hours pass as you sink your head into your pillow and try to stifle your tears. Atsumuâs sports t-shirt is in your arms, which he had given you before his trip abroad. Time passes and suddenly you hear the ringtone of your phone as a message arrives. Your heart hits loud against your chest as you reach for your phone and see your boyfriendâs name. But your joy quickly disappears, the lump in your throat gets bigger and you canât breathe.Â
>> Hey... listen, I think itâs better if we end the relationship⊠break up. I donât know, but I just donât have time for it. Iâll see you around. <<
It feels like a slap in the face. As if this is a poor joke. You want to write to him, ask him what this is all about, but your tears blur your vision. The only thing you send is a âreally?â but the message is no longer read. It remains on one gray check mark.
Two days go by and you still think it was all a bad joke, but every time you read his message, you feel like throwing up. Has he really dumped the whole relationship? By a shitty text message? You open your Instagram account and enter his name almost as if on autopilot.
Another slap in the face as your tears run down your cheeks again. His bio no longer says âBest setter and proud boyfriendâ but simply âSetter MSBY Black Jackalâ. All the pictures he had with you on his account have been deleted. Instead, you can only see advertising photos or private photos of him. The last eight pictures are of him, Hinata and Bokuto dancing and having fun with fans in different bars. Atsumu grins at the camera as if he doesnât care about you at all. As if your relationship meant nothing to him.
You text him some more times, leave him voicemails because he never answers your calls. But after a few days, you let it go. It only frustrates you even more to see how little this relationship actually meant to him. For days, you cry yourself to sleep, what doesnât go unnoticed by Osamu. After all, he sees you three times a week when you help him out in his store. When you tell him what has happened, he is also speechless, because Atsumu has really pissed him off with all his raving about you. So why would he break-up with you out of the blue? Osamu canât see you as devastated as a heap of misery. So he also tries to find out the reason for the break-up between you and his silly brother. But when he calls him, Atsumu only faces him coldly on the phone. âDid she tell you to ask me? Leave it okay? I think I just realized that I donât want a relationship.â
Two months go by and somehow you still canât believe that your relationship just fell apart. Osamu tries to distract you somehow, but it doesnât help because he reminds you too much of your idiot ex-boyfriend.
Nevertheless, you are grateful to Osamu for swapping your shift with his coworkerâs shift so that you can open the store with him in the morning. That way, you avoid running into Atsumu, who is more likely to be in the restaurant in the evening as soon as he returns from his stay abroad. Youâre not ready to face him at the moment.
Just as youâre about to finish work, you remember that you wanted to show Osamu a video on your phone. âLook, the new trailer for the second season of this soccer series is out. Shall we watch the first episode together on Saturday after work?â you ask Osamu as he approaches you and looks over your shoulder. He rests his hand on the counter next to you, his chest almost touching your back, but he keeps his distance from you respectfully. You are both focused on the trailer, not hearing the doorbell from the store.
Atsumu is tired. The flight was delayed, and he hasnât been able to sleep properly for weeks. How could he sleep well with all the partying and Hinata as his roommate, who spent the night in the hotel calling his friends from Karasuno. At least thatâs what he tells himself⊠that this is the reason for his sleepless nights. But this thought vanishes when he steps into his brotherâs store hungry, actually only wanting to eat a few onigiris and then go home. Into his apartment. His empty, dreary apartment. But as he walks through the door of the store, it feels as if someone has hit his chest with full force, knocking the air out of him.
He sees Osamu leaning towards you with a sense of familiarity. Whatâs going on there? And why does it bother him so much that you giggle and look at Osamu, who returns your gaze with a nod and a smile before turning to the door? His brother winces when he sees Atsumu. As you turn around as well, your smile disappears.
You look at Atsumu as if youâve just seen a corpse, before packing your bag and saying goodbye to Osamu with a âSee you tomorrow.â, only to walk past Atsumu with quick steps. You donât even give him a glance, knowing that if you locked eyes with him, your tears would run. You would want to ask him questions upon questions. Why did you break up with me? Why am I not enough for you? Why did you lie to me for so long? Why...
As you walk through the door, you accidentally bump into him. This nudge, which was actually rather gentle, felt so painful. Why does it bother Atsumu to see you standing so close to his brother? Why does it hurt him that you stared at him with those empty eyes, as if he were a stranger? No. Worse, as if he were someone who had hurt you. Why does he have the feeling that he couldnât make a sound if he opened his mouth now? The answer is simple, and even Atsumu seems to understand it by now as he looks from the now closed door over to Osamu, who stares at him with an indifferent expression crossing his arms in front of his chest. âSo this is what someone who has realized that he doesnât want a relationship looks like? Ya look like shit.â
Oh, how Atsumu would love to punch Osamu in the face. âWhy are ya touchinâ my girl?â is bitter on his tongue, but he has no right to say it out loud. After all, he was the one who turned you down. The blonde Miya suddenly realizes how incredibly stupid his action was.
Back then, Atsumu had not expected to be traveling abroad so often. At first, it was only temporary stays. Nothing that would damage a relationship.
But the last few times in particular, he was sometimes away for several months. You kept telling him on the phone that everything was okay, but every time he called Osamu, he said that your eyes were sometimes red when you came to work and that you looked tired and sad.
Atsumu knew he was the reason. That youâd probably be better off without him. After all, youâre a great woman, someone who would find a new partner quickly.
You didnât deserve to be sad all the time when he was gone. You should be happy. After all, a smile suits you so much better than a sad expression.
Atsumu would concentrate on his career. It would be difficult for him at first, but he would manage without you. He had to⊠for your sake.
So his mind was made up when he read your unanswered, concerned messages. If he texts you now to say that itâs over, being an ass to you, youâll be able to forget him quickly⊠That was what he thought.Â
But it wasnât that easy. Your puzzled messages, your crying voice on his voicemail, broke his heart. Yet he tried to cover it all up with parties and his dear fans. He convinced himself that he was fine. Only to arrive home, see you and realize what an idiot he was, how much he missed you.
And now itâs Atsumu who reaches for his phone and texts you message after message.
Atsumu 8:02 PM: Hey babe, no.. hey Y/n. I know I have no right to text you. But please⊠letâs talk. I fucked up. Damn, I fucked up so hard that I donât even know how to start⊠shitâŠ
Atsumu 8:12 PM: Please⊠please answer your phone, babeâŠ
Atsumu 8:44 PM: I know Iâve fucked up. I know I hurt and disappointed you. Fuck, I know I was an ass. Yk, I thought I was doing the right thing.Â
Atsumu 9:34 PM: Fuck⊠please answer me⊠I still⊠damnit.Â
That was the last message you received from Atsumu before you put your phone away and tried to forget him. Why is he doing this to you? Why is he stirring up your feelings again?
But Atsumu doesnât think about stopping now. He runs to your house, to the apartment building and rings your doorbell. Once, twice, he rings so often that you canât ignore it. You are about to tell him to leave through the loudspeaker system, but he interrupts you.
âFuck baby, please open the door. Iâm⊠I still love ya, okay? I always loved ya. I - shit, can ya even hear me? FuckâŠâ he curses agitatedly and presses the bell next to your nameplate again several times.
But instead of letting him in, you go down to the entrance of the apartment building and open the door with an expression on your face that Atsumu has never seen before. What is it? Anger, sadness, despair? Everything somehow.
âSay... are you kidding me? Do you think thatâs funny?â you ask him, bewildered, still standing in the open doorway. Of course, you wouldnât just believe him. Atsumu could have guessed. Your reaction was completely understandable. But he has to do something to show you that heâs serious.
âNo, no, I donât. Iâm dead serious. Please let me explain,â he says, and starts to tell you that he thought a break-up would be best for you because heâs not good enough for you. Since you were obviously so sad about him leaving so often and he didnât want to be the reason. He tells you that he thought he could get over you, but that he had to realize that you are the most important thing to him. Something⊠someone he doesnât want to lose. With shaky hands and a still agitated voice, Atsumu takes out his phone.
âI wanted ya to hate me so that it would be easier for ya. But believe me, I... I couldnât forget ya. Look, youâre still my wallpaper. All the photos of the two of us are still on my phone, all the memories-â he is about to unlock his screen when his phone falls out of his hand and drops to the floor. Atsumu seems to be completely overwhelmed right now, as if he doesnât know what to do. Should he bend down, pick up the phone, should he keep talking to you or hug you? He doesnât know.
âBaby, please, please, Iâll do anything. Please gimme a chance. Iâll talk to my agent about not takinâ so many jobs abroad. I will be with ya more often. Always write to ya and call ya in the evening when Iâm not at home. Letâs look for an apartment so we can move in together. Please, please, I would do anything. Please believe me that I love ya. Please..." he begs in a voice that becomes more and more brittle with every word. His eyes are full of emotion and his hands, which have unconsciously reached for yours, are trembling terribly.
âTwo months... two months you ignored me, treated me like a piece of trash.â You say in a low voice as you search for eye contact. Atsumu has never felt so scared. Only now does he realize that the love of his life is standing in front of him, and that this might be the last time heâll see her again, the last time heâll touch her skin. But then again⊠Atsumu was an ass, so why should you forgive him? No, he canât think like that. After all, you loved him. And if you love him as much as he loves you, then maybe thereâs still hope.
âI know, and I know I can never make it up to ya. I know itâs not done with an âIâm sorryâ. Iâm the dumbest, most idiotic ex-boyfriend youâve ever had. But... Iâm stubborn too. And if that means chasinâ after ya for 10 years, drivinâ to yer apartment every day to ring the doorbell and tell ya I still love ya, wishinâ ya a good night every day, nice dreams and telling ya how important you are to me... Iâll do it. Every damn day, if it means thereâs still a little hope for us.â He answers you hoarsely, keeping eye contact, hoping that you see how honest his words are.
You sigh, bend down, and pick up his phone before handing it to him. Atsumu doesnât know what to do with all this. His face grimaces as if heâs expecting the worst. âThen... you shouldnât lose your phone... if you want to write to me every day,â you answer him, a weak smile on your lips. Atsumuâs sorrowful expression suddenly changes and you see him looking at you with hope.
âDoes that mean ya...â the blonde Miya can no longer contain his emotions as he leaps forward and pulls you into his arms. His embrace is so tight that you can barely breathe, as if heâs afraid youâll slip out of his hands. Firm, but quivering. His whole body is shaking and youâre sure youâve just felt something wet on your skin. Tears? Is Atsumu crying? âI promise to be a pain in yer ass every day. To text ya, to call ya, to be there for ya. Even in yer sleep. Okay? I love ya... I love ya so much...â
tw: abuse, anger issues, mention of blood
Youâve been with Iwaizumi since your school days. Back then, as a little flirt at school, Oikawa and Matsukawa mainly teased Iwaizumi for having a crush on you.
But in the end, many were jealous of the perfect couple who waltzed together on the dance floor at the prom with loving looks on their faces.
You were inseparable. Even Iwaizumiâs stay in America for his university didnât affect your relationship. So it was no wonder that you got married after his return and were the perfect happy couple.
At least for the first few years.
The stress of being a coach for the Japanese national team is weighing on Iwaizumiâs mind. He normally handles stressful situations well, but he is under pressure.
If the team fails to perform in the next few games, he will lose many sponsors and possibly even his job.
Iwaizumi is constantly on edge and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him so you donât provoke him.
More often, he has sudden temper tantrums, shouting at you about things that arenât worth mentioning. âDamn it, I told you I need this one shirt for today. Why isnât it clean?â
And once, when you stumbled with your words and asked him whether it might not be better to take a break as a coach, he was so angry that he almost hit you. But he managed to hold back and just sighed before going out for a beer in a nearby bar.
You donât want to admit it to yourself, but right now, youâre really scared of your own husband.
Today was another training match between the Japanese national team and the Indonesian team. The teamâs performance was better, but nowhere near good enough to shine. You watched the game on TV and run through your imaginary list in your head already, of potential trigger points for Iwaizumi. You donât want him to get upset. The laundry is done; the house is clean; the food is also ready and in the fridge. Did you take out the trash? You chew nervously on your lower lip as you walk to the kitchen and let out a relieved sigh. Thatâs done too.
You are just closing the lid of the garbage can when you hear the key in the lock of your front door and Iwaizumi comes home with a surprisingly normal, âIâm home, my love, smells good in hereâ. Your shoulders relax immediately, a smile is back on your lips as you walk cheerfully into the hallway to greet Iwaizumi.
âHello darling! How was your day?â Iwaizumi hugs you and leans down so you can kiss his cheek. âLet me eat something first. My day has been really exhausting,â he sighs, watching you nod and turn around to warm up the food for him. Your husband hangs up his jacket, puts down his bag and is about to turn around to follow you when he stumbles against a nearby vase that you had placed as a decoration for the fall changeover. The vase swings, loses its balance and falls to the floor in pieces.
âShit!â You hear Iwaizumi curse and immediately run to him, anxiously hoping that nothing has happened to him. But luckily, he is unharmed. âWait, Iâll clean up the broken pieces, you eat-â youâre about to say, but Iwaizumi interrupts you loudly. âAlways this stupid bullshit you put up. Shit, I could have hurt myself. If I miss now, thatâs it for my career!â he shouts and stomps past you. You turn around hastily and apologize. âThat wasnât my intention, really,â you say, before realizing that it was a mistake to talk back. Iwaizumi turns around, his eyes ferocious and angry like a wild animal as he takes a step towards you. Your heart is beating restlessly and you are suddenly afraid.
âNot your intention? Admit it, youâd be happy if I got rid of the job!â he shouts, noticing how you start to tremble and shake your head. But Iwaizumi doesnât seem to be in his right mind as he takes another step towards you. âGo clean up the mess! Make yourself useful!â he says through gritted teeth as he looks at your anxious and puzzled face. You know you should move, but your body doesnât seem to listen, too scared to move a finger. And then it happens.
Iwaizumi grabs you by the hair and pulls you towards him. You cry out, weeping bitterly as you hear his voice again. âAre you deaf?! Get going!â he shouts, before pushing you away with more force than necessary. You lose your balance, stumble over your own feet as you fall and hit your head on the edge of the stairs in the hallway next to the broken vase. Your head hurts terribly, something warm flows down your face, sticking to your hair and making your vision suddenly completely different. It gets smaller and smaller before everything goes black in front of your eyes and the sounds around you stop completely.
Iwaizumi is abruptly perfectly sober and only now understands what has just happened. What he has just done to you, the woman he loves more than anything.
His eyes are big as he stares at his hands, which start to tremble in front of him.
Panic spreads through him as he looks at you. At your motionless body, at all the blood under your head.
He doesnât know how he did it. His memories are hazy, but he can still remember trying to wake you up, in vain.
He had taken off his shirt, pressed it on your head injury to stop the bleeding and somehow managed to call an ambulance. Iwaizumi canât remember anything else, just the one question from the paramedic who put you on the ambulance stretcher and took you to the hospital. Since Iwaizumi was your husband, he was allowed to drive with you.
âHow did this happen?â the paramedic asked, as Iwaizumi answered quietly, âI donât know... I really donât know.â
Itâs now been some hours after the accident and your head had been stitched up. Thank God it wasnât as bad as it looked at first.
Youâre still in the recovery room, Iwaizumi next to your bed on a chair, his hands folded in his lap as he hangs his head in bewilderment, looking at his wedding ring shining on his ring finger.
What happened? What has become of him? He still canât believe what he has done.
He looks at his hands again, opens them, starts to tremble, clenches them into fists and realises how he lets out a frustrated sigh, which he had been holding back, as warm tears roll down his cheeks, soaking the fabric of his trousers.
In his mind, thereâs only your shaking body, that frightened look, your screaming, and then this unbearable silence.
When you open your eyes, your head throbs a little and you have to squint through the bright, clinical light. âWhere... where am I?â you say quietly, looking around the room and noticing that youâre lying in a hospital room. Next to your bed is none other than Iwaizumi. But he looks different. Broken⊠He shrinks at your words and looks up at you. You see his red eyes and how he hesitates whether itâs okay to take your hand in his. Iwaizumi gets up from his chair, wants to close the distance to your bed but his legs collapse and he falls to his knees when he suddenly starts to... cry?Â
âHaji- me...â you say, still feeling exhausted. âIâm... god I...â Iwaizumi doesnât know what to say, doesnât know how to look you in the eye. He takes a deep breath, regains his courage before peering at you. Carefully, he grasps your hand, checking if you are afraid, but you donât seem to pull it away. Maybe because youâre still too tired. Awkwardly, he strokes the back of your hand before resting his forehead on it and closing his eyes briefly.
âIâm a terrible husband. Iâve done everything I shouldnât have done. Instead of carrying you on my hands, bringing a smile to your face and protecting you from everything that would harm you, Iâve done the exact opposite. Instead of being happy to see me, youâre just scared of me, arenât you?â he says in a shaky voice and looks up at you again. You are calm. Just stare at him with a hurt look.
âI.... I can understand if you want a divorce. If you donât want to be with a monster like me anymore. I really canât even blame you. But... please let me tell you one thing. When I saw you lying on the floor like that, the world collapsed inside me. I was afraid of losing the most important thing in my life. And the most important thing is not my job, no, itâs you. And Iâm ashamed that Iâve forgotten that. I am disgusted with myself and I know that is no excuse. What I have done is unforgivable. But please... if there is still a bit of hope, then I will try to do everything I can to be the man you fell in love with again. I want to be your Haji-bear again. Your place of peace, and your favorite person. I will go to anger issues therapy, behavioral therapy. If itâs better for our relationship, Iâll step down as a coach and see if I can find a job as a volleyball coach at a school. No matter what, I would do anything.â Your hand becomes wet as his tears land on it. His words move something inside you. You want to believe him, you donât want the relationship to end either, but everything that has happened so far will not pass by without damage.
âI need time, Hajime... If you really mean it, please grant me the time...â you answer him and notice how your words seem to tear him apart. But at the same time he seems to want to make the best of the situation. He lets go of your hand and stands up just to sit back down on the chair next to your bed, looking at you determinedly, his eyes still red and swollen. âAs much time as you need. If it means we still have a chance...â
A few months pass. Iwaizumi has passed on the house to you and moved into his parentsâ house to give you the space you need. He goes to therapy three times a week and tells you about his progress. He is still coaching the national team, but his assistant coach is taking a lot of the work off his hands and the volleyball team seems to be playing better again.
Just like when you were at school, youâll find a letter in your letterbox once a week. Back then, Iwaizumi always told you a bit about his week and wrote it down because, funnily enough, he was too shy to talk to you in person. Only that in his current letters he writes that he misses you, but hopes that you are doing well at the moment.
He meets you in public places, goes out with you, so that you gradually feel more comfortable with him again, that you can see his progress in therapy and donât just think itâs empty words.
Six months have passed since the incident. You are standing in the bedroom, changing the sheets, when Iwaizumi comes through the front door of the house. âMy love, Iâm home,â you hear Iwaizumiâs calm voice. Coming home from his therapy session, he hangs up his jacket in the hallway as your voice lets him know where you are.Â
Iwaizumi puts the flowers he bought for you on the kitchen table before he sneaks into the bedroom and sees you trying to unfold the sheets to put them on the blankets. With silent steps, he reaches around your waist to throw you onto the bed with him, wrapped in the covers that were in your hands earlier. Screaming, you laugh in unison with his chuckle as you look into each otherâs eyes. âHajime! Donât scare me like that.â you laugh softly, while his hand gently tucks your hair behind your ear. Iwaizumi looks at your forehead, at the small scar that is left from your injury, before leaning forward and giving you a kiss on that spot.
âIâm sorry, but that was just so tempting,â he says, closing his eyes as he pulls you closer and just relaxes in bed with you. He strokes your back and kisses your forehead once more. âHajime... whatâs going on? Why are you so clingy suddenly?â you laugh, but Iwaizumi doesnât join in the laughter, instead answering you seriously.
âToday, six months ago, I almost lost you. Iâm just grateful that nothing happened to you. Thankful that you gave me another chance, even though I showed my worst side.â You canât think of the right words to answer him, so you just smile, snuggle closer to him, and close your eyes. Safe in his arms, with his pulsating heart at your ear, you fall asleep.
tw: mention of abortion, mention of drugs/pills (without consent)Â
Suna and you were just friends for a long time. Even if the others saw you more like a couple.
You were the only one Suna didnât mind when you sat next to him and pulled out one of his earphones to listen to music with him.
You always had the same route to school and if one of you came to school alone, you knew immediately that the other one must be sick.Â
With graduation, you mentioned that you might want to study abroad. That time, Suna had a weird feeling in his stomach for the first time. As if he was afraid of losing you.
That was the day he realised that he felt more for you than just friendship.
The same evening, he asked you to come over and watch a movie when he yawned in a very clichĂ©d way to put his arm over your shoulder and pull you closer to him. He didnât know why he was so nervous, but he just was.
A number of things went through his mind. What if you donât feel the same way about him as he does about you? Will you still want to study abroad? Would you end your friendship with him if you didnât feel the same way?
He tried to block out the questions and then, with his usual calmness, asked you if you could imagine anything more than a friendship. Luckily for him, you said yes.
From that moment on, everything was perfect. You had created your own little world over several years. You studied, and luckily not abroad. Suna was successful in volleyball, so you were both able to buy an apartment together quickly.
Just the two of you. Your friends were there from time to time, but in the evenings you were always alone at home, arm in arm, in the quiet flat without any noise or other people to disturb you.
Until one morning where you look at the little piece of plastic in the bathroom, stunned, when the two red stripes tell you that you are pregnant.
You hadnât spoken to Suna about having children yet, but youâve been together for so long now and everything is going well that you assume he would be just as happy as you are.
You thoughtâŠ
When Suna comes home, youâve already prepared a little surprise. There are a pair of baby shoes on the table in the living room, the pregnancy test in front of them and a little balloon with âBest Dadâ written on it. You canât help smiling as you see Suna walk into the room when you call out âsurpriseâ, looking a little shy in his direction. But Sunaâs reaction differed from what you expected.
Almost disgusted, he looks in your direction. âThis better be one of those stupid TikTok pranks, right?â he says, and your smile disappears abruptly. Your stomach turns and you feel sick. And not because of the pregnancy. You stand there irritated, only able to utter a quiet âNo... itâs not a jokeâ, confused by his negative reaction. âNo? What week are you in? Tell me you can still have an abortion...â he says, annoyed, as he walks towards the table to see if there is any information about the week of pregnancy on the pregnancy test.Â
âWhat?â you say in bewilderment, still looking at Suna, who throws the test on the table in frustration before starting to massage his temples. âWeâll go to the gynecologist tomorrow, okay? Get rid of it. A child means responsibility. You have to look after this thing all the time, youâre no longer flexible and itâs noisy too... I just donât want that.âÂ
His words feel like a thousand stabs. Never have you seen Suna act like this before. You anticipated that he might be a bit taken by surprise and perhaps not be able to deal with the situation at first, but Suna seems to have a very clear opinion on the subject. He doesnât even seem to be willing to talk. But abort a child? Let Sunaâs and your baby die just like that? You canât do that. You donât want that.Â
The two of argue. Sunaâs look gets progressively angrier. Yours sadder until he decides to leave the house with a âDo what you want, maybe itâll die anywayâ. Now youâre home alone with his painful words. You stand rooted to the spot in the room for several more minutes until the strength in your legs finally gives way and you slump to the floor, crying bitterly. The night, you spend alone in your bed, without Suna. He doesnât answer his phone and doesnât reply to your messages. You donât hear from him the next day either, and he hasnât come home. Thank God you get a message from Osamu, who texts you that Suna is with him and that you have nothing to worry about. But how are you supposed to stay at home without worrying if your boyfriend doesnât get in touch with you and youâve been arguing for days? You are scared. Afraid for the baby, afraid for the relationship and everything you two have built up.
Another day passes. You lie in bed, tired and lacking in energy. Nevertheless, you pull yourself together and get up, go to the bathroom to get ready for the day and donât notice when the front door opens and Suna walks in. âBaby doll, Iâm at home... and... Iâm sorry...â you hear Sunaâs voice and walk out of the bathroom. Even though you had a fight, you are still happy to see the man you love so much again. With a somewhat sad smile, he stands there, a bouquet of flowers in his hand as he approaches you.
âIâm really sorry. I behaved like an ass. You took me by surprise with the news and somehow... I donât know. What do you say you sit down now? Iâll make us a drink and we can talk about all this. About the baby, and what happens next?â You can hardly believe his words. What has Osamu done in the last few days to make Suna suddenly do a full turnaround and be willing to talk to you openly, without shouting about becoming a parent? You make a mental note to thank Osamu later, before nodding with a smile and sitting down on the sofa in the living room.
But what you donât know is that Suna went to a friend, a doctor, who gave him two pills before he came home. Pills for an induction of abortion. You have to take one now and the other two to three days later.
Suna knows that you wouldnât take these pills voluntarily.
So he makes sure that you are indeed sitting in the living room before he takes out a small bag containing a pill, puts it in the grinder and turns it into a fine powder before mixing it into your iced tea.
He takes a deep breath, putting his smile back on as he walks towards you in the living room, where you are already waiting for him with happy eyes.
Without saying much, he hands you the glass, sits down next to you and watches you.
âI know itâs all so sudden and I could have said it differently. I really took you completely by surprise with the news,â you say quietly, looking at the iced tea in your hand, unaware that an abortion pill is floating there.
Suna listens attentively as you talk about how you first had to understand what a pregnancy means, but that your overwhelm quickly turned into joy because you are looking forward to holding a mini version of the two of you in your arms in less than 9 months. You talk about all the beautiful things that are going through your head, while Suna continues to listen to you, his eyes constantly focus on the tea in your hands and you.
He keeps looking at you as you raise the glass and press it to your lips, ready to drink the poison cocktail, when he realizes what he was doing. What heâs trying to do here.
Panic strikes him. His green eyes widen as he literally knocks the cup out of your hand. It falls to the floor with a loud thud. âDonât drink that!â he says in an unsteady voice and looks at you in horror.
But you donât understand anything, only shake your head.
âI donât know whatâs gotten into me. I... I think I just made the worst mistake of my life,â Suna says, looking back from you to the broken cup. You donât understand whatâs going on and tilt your head, asking him if everything is all right. But when Suna continues talking and tells you what was in your tea, your world collapses. You are shocked that your own boyfriend wanted to do this to you. âI was overwhelmed. I... I know thatâs no excuse. But when I heard you talking, I realized that -â Suna wanted to continue, but your voice cut him off, your words silenced him.
âLetâs break up,â you say, and unlike before, unlike when you argued a week ago, your voice is determined now, your eyes full of pain and betrayal. Those green eyes that used to mesmerize you are now looking at you desperately. âWhat?â Suna whispers softly, followed by a âNo, waitâ. But you interrupt him again.
âYou just wanted to give me some drugs without my consent so Iâd lose the baby?! No, Rintarou⊠Iâm breaking up with you. That... no, I canât do that.â Abruptly, you get up from the sofa, ignoring the hand that tries to grab you before quickly slipping into a jacket and a pair of shoes just to leave the apartment. Suna wants to run after you, but his legs wonât move. His mind and heart are screaming to run after you, to stop you and tell you heâs sorry, but his body just wonât obey him. When he finally manages to get up, youâre already gone.
Still wearing his slippers and without putting on a jacket, he eventually runs out to check out all the places you love, all your friends, to see if he can find you somewhere. But no matter where he looks, he canât find you. You donât reply to messages or phone calls. The mechanical voice of your voice mail greets him directly. âShit, shit, shit!â he yells as he stands in the park where you two had your first official date. The surrounding people look at him. Some with an irritated look, some as if they were pitying him.
Without really knowing where to go, your legs automatically led you to the bus that goes to Kitaâs home.
Kita was one of your best friends back then. And you knew that if you went to Kita and told him not to tell Suna that you were there, he wouldnât tell his friend either. And thatâs exactly what Kita did.
You were in Kitaâs guest room when you heard Sunaâs voice in the hallway.
He sounded shattered, broken, as he begged Kita to tell him where you were.
This went on for several weeks, until one evening Suna rang the doorbell again, trying to talk to Kita in a voice you had never heard before.
His voice was so thin, so fragile, as if a heap of misery was speaking out of him.
Kita tells him once again that he doesnât know where you are when you hesitantly open the door, thinking about going downstairs and listening to what Suna has to say. But for now, you just listen to the conversation.
âPlease, Shinsuke, I know you know her location. Please, just give her this. Please...â Kita sighs, followed by a soft âok...â before the front door closes. Your best friendâs footsteps creak beneath the floor as he walks up the stairs, looks at you a little twisted and hands you a large package.
You know that you demand a lot from Kita. Itâs not easy for him to lie to his friend either. Eventually you have to talk to Suna.
Alone in your guest room, you spend almost half an hour looking at the unopened package at the other end of the bed until you finally decide to open it. When you see whatâs inside, surprise catches you. Multiple emotions flow through your body without you even noticing how your eyes suddenly turn glassy. Small letters and several items are in the box. You take out the letter that is on top of all the other items.
âMy love, I donât even know where to start. I canât apologize for what I did. Nevertheless, I want to tell you that Iâm sorry. I was confused and scared. Our relationship has always been perfect so far and I thought it was great that it was just the two of us and that no one else disturbed our privacy. I was afraid that when we had a child, we would argue, have no more time for each other, and grow apart. I was selfish and didnât think about how you would feel. I wasnât thinking about our baby. The thought that we were both going to be parents hadnât crossed my mind at all. But every time I walked past those little shoes you had placed in the living room, I couldnât think of anything else but seeing our child standing in them. How it tries to move around in it, sometimes falls down because it loses its balance and seeks shelter with its beloved mom. I regret every second of what Iâve done, every word Iâve said. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, and yet I did it. I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry.
I did some research. Did you know that it is currently very difficult to find midwives? You should probably start looking very early on. My team colleague gave me the number of the midwife he and his wife had at the birth of their two children. I also have three other numbers. You might want to give them a call. There are also birth preparation classes in our town. I have also put a brochure in the package for you. You donât necessarily have to go there with your partner. With me⊠So... if you want, you could also go there with Kita, even if I would be happy if we both did it together. But I can understand if you donât want to.
Are you eating enough? You should pay particular attention to your diet during pregnancy. A lot of women suffer from a vitamin deficiency during pregnancy. But you have probably already discussed this with your gynecologist. Anyway, Iâve written down a few recipes for you that are rich in vitamins. I admit that Osamu helped me a little with this. Oh, and on the back are some things you shouldnât eat during pregnancy. Raw eggs and products containing them such as ice cream, mayonnaise and so on... you should not eat them, because the risk of salmonella infection is high. Peanuts can contain aflatoxins, which can also harm the fetus... but as I said, Iâve put together a list for you. In case you didnât already know all this already. There are a few other things in the box. Maybe youâd like to take a look.
I hope you are doing well. I hope the baby is doing well too. Have you thought of a name yet? Do you know whether it will be a boy or a girl? Iâm sure thereâs already a little bump on your belly. I... would really like to be with you right now. Would love to hold you in my arms and stroke your tummy. I know I made a mistake that can never be fixed. But if youâre willing, if thatâs what you want, Iâd really like to be by your side again. And if not as your boyfriend, then as the father of our baby. I would like to do couplesâ therapy with you so that we can find our way back to each other⊠So that you can trust me again. Because in all of this, I was the problem and never you. But only if you want it too, of course. I know it may be hard to believe, but I love you. So much that a life without you scares me. I am sorryâŠâ
Youâre crying bitterly by now as your tears blur the ink on the letter before you put it aside and look in the box. Next to a small onesie for babies, there is a note with the telephone numbers of midwives, a small book with recipes, the brochure he had mentioned and another box containing photos and memories. Pictures that Suna had always secretly taken of you at times when he thought you looked extra pretty. You always found the photos embarrassing, but for him they were beautiful to look at. Because they were moments when you were just being you, not smiling for the camera or doing anything else to disguise yourself.
There was also a necklace with shells on it in the box. You made it for Suna when you were on vacation in Croatia. It turned out incredibly ugly, yet Suna wore it proudly during the whole vacation. Youâre touched that he still has this ugly necklace. Little notes that you wrote to each other at school are also in there. So many more memories from the past. Where had Suna hidden this little box in your apartment so that you never noticed it?
You hastily get up, open the door and run down to the hallway as Kita comes out of the living room and looks at you questioningly. âIs everything all right? Do you need to see a doctor?â He asks concerned, but you just shake your head, wanting nothing more than to see Suna, talk to him again. He asks you if you are absolutely sure, but your determined nod is enough for an answer. So he grabs his jacket and car keys, driving you straight to your ex boyfriend, to your apartment. He doesnât want you to take the bus in your current state.
Suna is sitting in the living room. In front of him on the coffee table are various reports on pregnancy, parenting and more. His head is leaning on his hands as he takes a deep breath. Have you opened his package yet? He wonders, unable to think clearly, when he hears the key in the door lock and runs into the hallway as if stung by a tarantula. His eyes are wide as he looks at you, standing rooted to the spot in the doorway, not knowing how to react.
âShinsuke... Drove me here...â you say. âI opened your package.â You continue, watching Suna swallow hard, still not moving an inch from the doorframe. âHow are you, the baby?â he asks quietly, almost absent-mindedly, as if he canât believe youâre really standing in front of him. âGood... can... can we talk?â you ask and watch him nod, having trouble sorting out his feelings. You take a step towards him, clearly seeing the dark circles, the red eyes, the slightly thinner face, as if he has lost weight. And on closer look, you can see his whole body trembling.
âIs everything you wrote in your letter true?â you ask him, trying to keep your voice as calm as possible, even though youâre at your witsâ end. âYes, yes all of it. Iâm sorry for everything... I want nothing more than to see you happy. To see our baby happy. And if you want another partner by your side to be happy, if you donât want me in your life, then I will accept that.â Suna whispers, knowing that if he were to speak even a little louder, his voice would fail and he would cry. You take another step towards him. âWhat if I want you? Want to give it another try?â You have barely spoken your sentence before you hear a bitter shuffle from Suna, which he seems to have been suppressing the whole time. His shaky hands carefully reach for your face before he presses his forehead against yours and says softly, âI would wish for nothing more than that.â
Although you hesitate for a second, you finally put your hands around his back and stand with him in the doorway for a while. Neither of you says a word. Both of you let your tears run until Suna releases you at some point and gives you a kiss on the forehead. âYou shouldnât stand for so long. Youâd better get some rest,â he says in a somewhat steady voice before helping you out of your jacket and leading you into the bedroom, where he pushes the sheets aside so you can lie down.Â
âRin, but Iâm not tired at all...â you say, even though you are exhausted, but Suna lies down right next to you, pulling you close while his free hand moves to your stomach. âI know... But... letâs just lie here like this for a moment, regain our strength before we talk... Talk about everything, our future, how I can make it up to you, our little baby⊠Agree, baby doll?â He whispers tiredly. Yet you also notice how all the crying is slowly making you a little tired. âAgree, Rin.â you smile weakly, snuggling closer to him as you both fall asleep arm in arm, his hand protectively on your baby bump, your hand on his.
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