#thanks for making this year such a great experience

[unlikely-comic]

Thanks OP! It has always been a goal of mine to try to give charecters in Unlikely diverse backgrounds. And for 5 years of development, I never worked on a charecter in a chair.

My partner now uses a chair and my eyes are absolutely open to the importance checking how narrow your views of diversity can be (you may still have blinders on) when making charecters I didn’t understand wheelchairs so it seems I unintentionally avoided them out of ignorance.

Now I’m really familiar with accessibility devices and we have a lot of friends who need accessibility aids so it’s almost second nature to be working on charecter designs with chairs for future chapters. I was a proponent of saying ‘you don’t know until you know’ when we were learning everything and I stand by that. With out posts like this or more awareness or open community spaces with acsessable activities or hang outs you may rarely meet anyone who uses these kinds of devices. Seriously I don’t think I knew more than one person in a chair before my partner started using one! Now that my community is full of chair users I don’t understand how I never met more people who used them.

Anyway remeber to look outside your bubbles! Write characters with physical/mental disabilities draw with research and be explorative in your life/art/social circles etc.

To add to this post I suggest the website ‘writing the other’ great resource for writing characters in demographics you have no experience in. It’s videos write ups and seminars with authors or creators within those demographics who speak on charecter creation with visibility in mind. Check it out!

A guide to designing wheelchair using characters!

I hope this helps anyone who's trying to design their oc using a wheelchair, it's not a complete guide but I tried my best! deffo do more research if you're writing them as a character

[morverenmaybewrites]

Lessons on Love | Jason Todd x Reader

What lesson about love are they still trying to learn?

Asked by @/citrussaurus

Literally everything. 

I think that Jason’s experiences have shaped him into someone who has quite an unhealthy view on love and relationships: the lack of a positive example of a healthy relationship during his childhood years, the confusing (but not entirely loveless) relationship he had with Bruce Wayne, and eventually his years of rage and isolation as the Arkham Knight. 

By the time post-Arkham Knight rolls around, Jason has a deeply unhealthy view on love and relationships.

And yet, despite this, I feel like he craves this. More than that he’s starved for it. 

I think a part of him hopelessly, desperately wants to be held dear. He wants a place to belong, someone to belong to. 

And it’s his great tragedy that he doesn’t know how to ask for it and more importantly, he doesn’t know how to receive it. Sometimes, Jason loves so quietly that it’s hard to see it as love –because God knows that no one in his life ever taught him to properly communicate. 

I picture the way Jason seeks affection like a starved street dog: there’s a hunger to it, a thirst.

(After all, if you have spent your whole life being starved of something, isn’t it only natural to seek it out, even if it’s just the bare scraps? And here you are, willing to give him your whole heart.)

But there’s also a sort of tension, then animal instinct to flee after being kicked more than several times for it.

I picture him as always perched at the edge of things: waiting, waiting for the inevitable moment where the rug is pulled out from under him, when the affection you had always so freely given will suddenly be withheld, and he will be left starving again, a hole at the center of him that he has no idea how to fill.

(But oh you are worth the fall.)

But I always think of him as physically perched on things, especially on the early days of your relationship: the edge of towering skyscrapers, hovering in your doorway just barely stepping into your threshold until you finally have to ask him to come in, your windowsill, just barely keeping himself out of the rain. He’ll try to act relaxed, but really, he’s tense as a bird about to take flight. Always, always prepared for the moment where he’ll be asked to leave.

(And yet, and yet, all he wants is that you ask him to stay.) 

He doesn’t know how to show you affection, doesn’t know how to ask for it. All he’s ever known is how to make himself useful. 

(After all, useful things don’t get thrown away. Useful things don’t get asked to leave.) 

He’ll keep you safe, which in Gotham City is no small feat, keep the villains away from your door: from the small-time crooks who target regular civilians for just that extra bit of cash to the supervillains whose plans would likely involve you (and the rest of Gotham City) as collateral.

And at first, it’s eerie: the sudden silence in your life, the feeling of peace, of being looked out for. You have never gone so long without encountering some sort of mugger or been involved in a bank robbery.

Then perhaps one day, you’ll get a text from an unknown number, asking you to stay away from Gotham Square that day. When you try to call to get more information, it comes up as Unavailable. And perhaps a week after that, you’ll get a similar text from a different, this time telling you to avoid Bleake Island.

Perhaps you solve it quickly or perhaps, not at all and it takes you a while to put together the pieces: Jason has been keeping you safe. 

And when you decide to talk to him about it, he’s cagey, almost embarrassed. He won’t deny it, but at the same time, when you try to thank him or show you appreciate him, he’ll react with confusion. 

After all, keeping his loved ones safe is second nature to him. In fact, I feel like it’s the one act of love that all of the Bats are comfortable with. 

He’ll do other things for you too. He’ll get up and make dinner after a long day, despite having just come back from a grueling mission, he does the dishes without being asked, hell, he’ll sometimes even throw in a load of laundry for you–taking a an unexpected pleasure from seeing the way your clothes are mixed in with his, the simple solid domesticity of it, at how your lives have become so intermingled that he now has to separate your socks from his. 

In short, he’ll do acts that, while on the outside seem nice, would sometimes border on servile. 

When you try to show him how much you appreciate what he does, he’ll be even more embarrassed: there’s an odd tension around his shoulders, the slightest dusting of pink on his cheeks. 

(And oh, Jason hates the way he blushes, knows the way it discolors around the brand on his cheek, the way it doesn’t redden along with the rest of his skin, but instead stands out, ghostly pale.) 

So he’ll shrug it off, barely being able to look at you. Acutely aware of how strange and monstrous he looks.

And even more so, he’s painfully aware of the reason he’s doing these things. Not only because he wants to take care of you (and he does), but because it’s the only way he knows how to be useful, how to be needed. 

How to be asked to stay.   

[writing-hat]

shattering

/!\ Spoilers for Dragons Rising S2P2!

(very original title) hiii i'm still not dead <3 sorry i'm not active but y'know. life.

here's a jay fic!! about him experiencing shatterspin for the very first time but this is actually more me trying to make the wolf masks kinda gory and made out of flesh it's. it's an experiment. as well as like. physical effects

i'm just having fun and trying out some things (ig it's not really a fic then but idk adfkjsegd)

/!\ TW : Blood, Gore, Wounds, Death (tell me if I forgot something)

Also not beta read and I don't read that well behind myself yaddi yadda y'know the drill (especially since this is more of a bunch of scraps assembled together and not a real fic akfjzsgv (I might cross post it on AO3 at some point we'll see))

This is around 6.8k words so it's half a short? anyway enjoy

Jay narrowed his eyes at the mask he held.

It seemed to be looking back at him. And to be frank, he wasn’t a fan of how it looked back.

A shiver crawled down his spine as he passed his fingers on the front. It was meant to be a mask, but the fact that there was hair there, even if short, was somewhat disturbing to realize. He didn’t know how to feel about the idea that these could be made of real fur. Or worse, that they were somewhat organic, and used to be alive.

He checked the eyes; they seemed colorless, and dull, when inactivated. Glassy.

Dead.

That last realization brought relief. Yeah, it was dead.

Whatever it was.

He knew he was supposed to put that shit on at some point, but… it didn’t seem like a great idea, in hindsight. At least that’s what his guts were telling him.

His mind was on a whole other setting. He trusted Ras, after all. Why shouldn’t he? He had saved him, from the insanity that the Administration had been.

Thank goodness this is over. He was grateful to the man, and had taken the time to hear his interests, and plans. Things Jay wasn’t bothered by, too big to be of a concern to him. But since they were important to his savior, well, who was he to refuse helping him?

He passed a hand on the fur again, before turning it around to see the inside. He winced.

It had been… somewhat ‘polished’, but one could not look away from the flesh that had probably been ripped apart from some unfortunate creature, the whole mask made of stitches between different kinds of skin. But he didn’t dare to touch it to confirm his fears. Had it been the same specie, every time? He did wonder if asking himself that wasn’t the most unimportant question of all.

Living beings had to die, for these masks to be made.

Jay hated how his brain was sure of it.

That, and there was some… sort of taint, at the bottom of it. Where the mouth was supposed to be.

It wasn’t on all the masks, but enough of them had it to pique Jay’s curiosity.

He hadn’t talked about it to Lord Ras yet, of course. He doubted others had noticed what these visages were made of. He wasn’t even sure how he had noticed the details in the first place.

Perhaps due to his weird anxious nature about everything that’s been happening since starting his life in the Administration. His only life, actually, since he couldn’t remember shit from before.

The medallion felt heavy in his pocket. Its sudden presence making itself known made him frown.

This piece of metal was all that was left to him. He wasn’t even sure how the ones that had found him in the Land of Madness hadn’t taken that away from him, just like all his previous belongings.

He placed the mask back in its place, giving it a final glare, before walking away.

He looked at himself, unsure of what to think of his clothes.

They were comfy, that was for sure. Much better then the suit he’d been forced to wear for years in this damned Administration. And looking much better. He did enjoy the patterns that had been added to go along his powers. Symbols of wolf could be seen as well, on his chest, making sure people would know which clan he belonged to- in case the mask wouldn’t be enough.

But the fur covering his neck, and the gloves… he didn’t like as much. They hid away scars, important parts of himself.

Then again, he still had the ones on his face, definitely due to his own powers when it came to the lightning paths, and probably from fights where there were cuts, and skin that had been torn.

He wasn’t a fan of keeping them away.

But, having his body completely protected when it was clear he was going to fight in the future wasn’t that bad of an idea. Are we going to fight now? Jay doubted it. A lot of the new recruits had probably no idea of what they were getting into. Had probably been enrolled with the idea that they were going to become better fighters, with something close to powers. Lots of people didn’t listen fully when about to drastically change their lives, he had seen it many times in the Administration.

With a heavy sigh, he passed a hand on his face. To be honest, Jay hadn’t thought that long about this idea of joining Lord Ras’s forces as well.

But I owe him. He was there when no one had tried to help. It was all that mattered.

Jay could hear people getting closer. He turned around, seeing Cinder and Ras coming towards him.

The latter still had the same expression as always, severe, and mildly pissed off at people for breathing in front of him. The master of smoke, on the other hand, often had a smug expression there, knowing he was above everyone else, and enjoying it way too much. Not too far from them, he could see Jordana, the sort of witch- he didn’t completely understand what her deal was- who looked away as soon as she saw Jay noticing her.

He didn’t get to focus on that, though, when Ras made sure to be the only thing in his vision.

“I take it you’re ready for today.”

No. Not at all. But this wasn’t what their Lord wanted to hear. “Yes.” He took a deep breath, doing his best to resist the need to fidget with the fur around his collar.

“A first test, to make sure everything will go smoothly for the first battle.” Cinder chuckled at Jay’s expression, before handing him the wolf mask. “You’re lucky to try it before the real deal, Jay.”

He glared at Cinder. “Yeah. I guess so.”

Though, with how the master of smoke was looking at him, mocking, he wouldn’t call any of this luck.

Inhaling sharply, he tried to not let himself show how nervous he felt. He hadn’t expected to wear it so soon. He grabbed the mask that was given to him, nauseous at how he was about to wear unknown skin on his own.

He tried to compare it to leather, but fuck that had nothing in common. He passed trembling fingers on the inside, wanting to confirm his fears.

…Yup. Organic tissues. It was repulsing.

Cinder quirked an eyebrow. “Are you hesitant now?”

There was a threatening growl coming from Ras that echoed with the other’s words. Jay closed his eyes, and shook his head. At least… there weren’t any smell to go with the thing. “No. Not at all.”

“Good.” Ras crossed his arms behind his back, walking towards the arena. “Then get ready. You will be tested along our new soldiers.”

Soldiers. Why did he hate that designation? Wasn’t he supposed to be more, with his elemental power?

He adverted his gaze, focusing it back on the inside of this mask. “Sure.”

It was the first time he entered the shadow dojo. The outside had been eerie, with nothing but the strange orange and red light on their paths, but the inside was a whole other deal.

It was… poorly lighted, somehow, despite the bright lights coming from outside, with candles offering a soft blue glow all around them. He wasn’t sure how the flames managed to stay in that hue, but couldn’t really focus on that when he was trying to avoid all the others that entered with him. Some were chatting, apparently already knowing each other.

Jay didn’t want to know anyone in here. He didn’t see the point.

There were runes everywhere as well. He had no idea of what they meant, but they were glistening too, in that same color as the candles. Plants had grown as well on the wall, somehow.

He sat on the ground, unbothered to stay up like the others. From here, he could see that the only one on the ground like him was someone with a large hat, covering most of his face. His eyes were revealed briefly when he raised his head to watch who had come here for the first trial, allowing Jay to recognize him.

He was the guy he had seen many times speak with Ras. Although speak was a light statement; more so yelling and arguing, with the latter always having the last word, letting the other clearly frustrated.

Nokt. That was his name. He remembered him due to the electrical device placed on the back of his head. Even if he wasn’t sure he had heard his name right earlier, since it seemed like he preferred to keep to himself, as proved when he lowered his hat down again, effectively shielding his expression away from everyone else.

But there was something Jay managed to see before he did.

A spark of amusement, of all things, akin to one about to watch some sort of entertainment unfold.

…Jay didn’t think he was going to like that guy.

His attention shifted back to their leader, when he hit the ground with his hammer. He gave a speech, one Jay half-listened to, about being ready to change their lives for this better form of power, and so on and so on. Monologues are always so tiring.

…Where had he heard boring monologues like these before?

A glimpse of- something, from before, barely there, that escaped him as soon as he tried to look for it, smothered away by another hit of Lord Ras’s hammer against the ground, and someone getting on their feet and walking to the center of the room. Jay thanked his luck helping out for once, since he definitely wouldn’t have heard his name if he had been first.

Watching the guy, he gave way to his urge, and started to play with the fur around his neck to keep himself calm. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like his anxiety was eating him alive, starting with his insides, and pulling on his guts and get him to run away from there as fast as he could.

He gnawed on his lip. He couldn’t make himself worry about nothing. This was just… apprehension, that came with every test he had to take.

Except if he failed this one, he might’ve to be forced back into the Administration. Damn it.

Deciding on ignoring the painful cramps his overreacting unconscious gave him, he focused back on the scene before him, observing the one that had been called.

The guy nodded his head to Lord Ras, and placed the mask on his face. Jay winced, clutching his other hand around the one he was holding; he really didn’t want to know how centuries old flesh would feel on his face. But he supposed he had no choice.

Holding his breath as Ras approached the gong, he tried to think of the power that wearing this mask would mean for him. He knew there was something about a forbidden technique of some sort, the Shatterspin, which he’d been taught the basics, but what about his powers? What would be the effects?

He’d seen Cinder. He’d seen how much quicker and agile he became whenever the mask would fuse with him, and gift him an armor instead of staying as a mask. The red eyes, he wasn’t that fan of, but if it meant finding who he was supposed to be, by feeling his powers better then ever before…

The scar under his left eye throbbed, forcing him to rub it. Not that he didn’t feel his power now, but he didn’t quite think he had a good grasp on it. He managed a few zaps here and there, and sparks to help him when it was completely dark, but other then that, not much else.

There is potential within you, Jay Walker. These had been Lord Ras’s words.

And he couldn’t wait to unleash that potential.

The gong was hit a first time.

Jay jumped out of his skin when the one put on trial shrieked in pain. Someone beside him gasped, letting him know that he definitely wasn’t the only one to be surprised.

He walked back, holding his face in pain and doubling over as the mask’s glowed that bright cyan. Not letting him the time to rest, or even wonder what was happening to him, the gong was hit a second time with a sound that echoed all around them. It was enough to make the room shake, and dust fall from the unexpectedly stable walls of this place. All the blue lights turned red.

The guy screamed again. Jay watched as he tried to remove the mask, pulling on his hair when trying to remove the strap that kept it in place. But it didn’t budge, despite his knuckles turning white from the force he was using for this one thing.

Jay felt sick, witnessing all this. Glancing around, he noticed how disappointed Lord Ras looked, and the way Cinder let his disgust appear.

…Shit.

His attention shifted back to the man in the center when he heard him puke. From here, he couldn’t really see what came out, and couldn’t help his flinch when the sound of retching reached his ears.

Chocking sounds could then be heard. It surely didn’t help when he threw his head back, gasping for air, too far gone to realize that he was making things worse.

Jay couldn’t look away from him. Doing so… doing so would mean he wasn’t cut for this role. It would mean showing weakness, and not being worthy of the chance offered to him.

Doing so would mean abandoning the man to his fate, a far side of his brain whispered. Jay took a deep breath, brushing that thought aside, just like he always had back in the Administration. Kindness and pity weren’t the way to go when one wanted to master Shatterspin, and the power of the Wolf Clan. He remembered Ras’s warnings too well.

Speaking of which, he couldn’t help but check a second time their leader, breath getting stuck in his throat when he did.

Lord Ras was watching them, not the poor guy struggling to survive against the surges of powers that went in his body forcefully. He was quick to understand; he wanted to see who was able to stomach it, and who would be useless in the future to him. And fuck, Jay didn’t think he could do that, but he didn’t have a choice. His body and mind didn’t have a choice.

The man screamed in pure pain and terror one last time, turning Jay’s insides. His hands grabbed at his skin, scratching with abnormal nails that had grown after the gong had been hit a third time. It made deep wounds, forcing crimson to pour out, but it seemed like the man couldn’t care less, just wanting to get rid of that cursed mask.

He heaved, then coughed, falling on his knees with a final yell, yielding to the pressure of energy that must’ve been coursing through his body. Unable to adapt.

And then…

He fell to the ground.

As soon as he did, the red lights came back to the blue hue they had first seen when entering the room.

When others gasped, and some cried, one, Jay heard a snicker. He looked around, trying to see who was sick enough to have that kind of reaction to someone dropping dead in front of them.

He frowned when he found out who.

Now he knew why Nokt had seemed amused at the beginning. He must’ve known this could happen. What a fucking psychopath. He looked away from him, and back at the center of the dojo.

Ras growled, stomping his boot on the ground at the result. He then turned towards Wolf Warriors, a finger pointed at the now dead man. “Get it out of here. We aren’t done yet.”

Shit. Shit. Jay swallowed hard, unable to look away from the blood, as well as the one the corpse left behind when pulled away in a messy trail.

Their leader hit the ground with his hammer, demanding attention from everyone in the room. “The reason he failed, was his resilience against our power. To become powerful, one must learn to bend to the rules that make it all. Only then, can you be one with the Wolf Clan’s powers.” He pointed his weapon towards the recruits, snarling when most of them took a step back in front of it. “Another one of his mistake was doubting me, and being a coward.”

His eyes scanned the room, glaring. “If any of you feel that way as well, you may as well leave. Now.”

That would be a mistake. Yet, some people immediately hurried out, not needing to be told twice. Not a lot- four of them, he counted. Jay closed his eyes, and tried to ignore how two Wolf Warriors followed after them, their claws ready.

What had he gotten himself into? What was going to happen to him?! How many others were going to die? Not that he questioned of the others’ loyalty, but there was no doubt that witnessing that guy’s death must’ve changed their will to join.

Now that Jay knew this was the consequence of failure… fuck. Fuck. His guts were twisting in there, hurting his stomach physically, at this point. His ears were ringing, clouding his mind from everything else. What if all that he had done, all this ‘surviving’ shit, had only lead to his demise?

Jay clenched his fists. He’d never allow that. Cinder had managed to do it, so why wouldn’t he?

This was an opportunity. To find purpose, and a place where he would belong. He couldn’t screw this up. He wasn’t a damn coward. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to fight back the power that was about to allow him a new beginning.

This was a cruel world after all. Hadn’t he learned that over and over again? And he couldn’t be at the bottom of it all just because others weren’t able to keep up.

He would not. He would survive through it all, no matter what it meant to wear that mask.

No matter the price.

Ras called his name. He was the second one to be tested.

Taking a deep breath, he raised his head, and faced the Lord’s eyes with a fierce glare.

Slowly, he got up, ignoring how his stomach still felt like a pit, and how his head was still hurting from the panic he had felt earlier when seeing that man die, his pulse somehow perceivable in his ears.

Still, he got to the center of the room. Only when he did, his eyes found themselves unable to detach from the splatters of blood everywhere. Some were older. Some were on the walls.

They had all witnessed that many times, hadn’t they? And they hadn’t told anyone.

It was… it was…

He took a deep breath. Now wasn’t the time to loose it.

A dark paw handed the mask to him. It allowed Jay to focus his eyes in front of him, and away from the red splatters. Something he regretted doing, when meeting Ras’s eyes.

They were harsh, and unforgiving.

Jay couldn’t mess up.

He was being given a chance. A chance, that could be taken back, and handed to any other elemental master. He wasn’t the only one gifted after all, Cinder was the proof of that. Ras didn’t need him for this grand plan; he had an army, and people ready to follow his every order.

On the other hand, Jay needed Ras. And he owed that new chance at freedom, to him.

Straightening up, he grabbed his mask, and tried to not think back on how it was made of skin. Instead, he tried to concentrate on how there was metal there as well. When tying the strap behind his head, he tried to not remember how the one before him hadn’t been able to remove it when wanting to escape.

No turning back.

Darkness cornered his vision, the latter becoming defined by the constricted sight given to him.

Once settled, he placed both his arms along his body, and nodded to Ras with a dry throat. The latter growled, rearranging his hold on the hammer.

The gong was hit a first time.

The wave of its sound exploded in the room, reaching Jay’s body. It froze him, both his physical shell, and thoughts. Everything had gone silent in his mind, and around him. And he wasn’t sure if this was due to the effect of its power.

Even breathing seemed impossible, in these short seconds. He was completely petrified, finding himself feeling as if he’d been stuck in something so dense and heavy, holding him back. No noise could make it out of his mouth, despite the pain that had started to build up in both his face and chest.

Something had cracked inside of him.

Just as he sensed it, the gong was hit a second time.

It felt like a blow to his chest, making him back away. His bones felt breaking as he did, making him wonder if they could’ve been weakened by the power he had been hoping to obtain.

His ears unblocked. It caused him to be suddenly dizzy, and made his head heavy with the lack of oxygen.

Then his breath hitched, as soon as he noticed the paralyzing effect was gone.

Like breaking out of shallow waters and reaching the surface, he gasped, greedily sucking air. His legs wobbled, making him feel like he was about to loose balance, as both his hands reached for his neck to protect the precious air he was barely able to keep in his trachea.

His skin was itchy everywhere. Something was going on inside of him, turning his veins icy cold.

Something was wrong, and hurting. Something was very wrong.

The rush of his blood too was fast, and strong, making him think that his blood vessels were doubling in size, and perhaps stretching his skin as it grew, leading to his articulations becoming harder to move. It left the impression that everything was about to blow inside of him.

For a second, he wondered if he had died, and if he was about to fall on the floor, just like the man before him had, but then realized that the sound of his heartbeat was still there, and as fucking loud as it was quick.

He was alive. He was-

The gong was hit for the third, and last time.

The final wave forced him to puke, which he went along with, trying his best to not suffocate with it like the first guy. A blink, and he noticed that it was blood, coming out from his mouth in worrying amounts.

His insides abruptly felt like shattering, and he yelled, as his whole body seemed burning up, a harsh and painful contrast compared to what he’d been feeling seconds ago.

Jay wasn’t able to keep a shriek from escaping him, when the power he’d felt in him for as long as he could remember reached for his limbs, and exploded. The scent of burning skin made it to his nostrils, and he held his middle, as if trying to stop his insides from escaping him like his powers had. Only when he did, he sensed his lightning breaking apart.

Millions of pieces, made of parts of his powers, going absolutely insane, and making his body spasm.

Getting electrocuted was a familiar feeling. One he despised, but was never able to escape for too long when it came to dealing with his own incompetence and ignorance. Or when he would redirect lighting on their ship, to protect the ones he cared about.

But just like his power, these thoughts were shattered, making him cry, as his head hurt too much for him to keep up with.

So he didn’t.

He let these words and images get torn into pieces, shards feeling like they came to his heart, pulling his whole torso in a constricting sensation that once again made him think like he was about to die, just like that. The boiling sensation kept on increasing, causing his whole body to feel like he was burning alive.

Something clicked, then, and his vision became too blurry to understand. The red lights made it so he didn’t know where he was anymore, the distant image of people he used to know breaking apart again and again, causing his mind to shatter as well.

And once it was all gone, he vomited again, hugging himself tightly as if trying to at least keep his body in one piece. His shoulders slowly felt heavier, and the fur that had been around his sensitive skin suddenly ceased to be.

Though this was the last thing Jay cared about, as he fell to his knees, the collide with the ground making his bones almost rattle. The way his fingers kept twitching made him wonder how they hadn’t broken yet.

His breathing was difficult, with a voice that had turned hoarse at yells and cries of pain he hadn’t even been aware to be letting out.

He was about to die. He didn’t know how the feeling was so familiar, perhaps due to the blood that accumulated in his breathing pipes, akin to water, filling his lungs until there could be no air passing through. His heartbeat was diminishing, yet it stayed as the only thing Jay could hear.

So he caught it. He caught his heart, for it was all that was left to him.

His will to stay alive. His will to have something of his own, that would make him whole.

And it was a heart burning with rage.

This, was what pulled all the pieces back. What once had tried to escape him, was now caught back by the sheer amount of anger he felt at how fate and destiny had treated him.

What does it mean? The question went away as soon as it brushed his mind, the violent waves of power crushing anything that wasn’t meant to be like it away.

Thoughts. Feelings.

They no longer mattered.

All that mattered was power. Stitching back all that had been separated.

His lightning felt growing. Launching itself and balancing his body in positions and forms that meant both a cry for a help and the picture of a violent force forbidding anyone to get close.

Then came the fusion.

The skin that made the inside of the mask slithered in through his pores, pulling and tearing its way through to have full possession of him, and share its cursed strength to the one that had dared to agree with its ways. Jay wanted to wonder if this was what it meant to meddle with dark magic.

But he couldn’t even do that, screaming again with his broken voice at the violent intrusion he had allowed for someone else’s game.

Foolish. Foolish. He always was foolish.

The foreign matter didn’t bother to be careful, before settling in- although not without damaging the inside of his mouth some more. It forced out more blood out, kicking out whatever was left that wouldn’t be useful to this newfound power.

A final deep breath, and Jay felt…

Liberated.

Gone, was the weight that had been caused by his soul and mind shattering and leaving behind too many pieces to carry. His whole body now felt light, lungs freed enough to give him as much space as needed for the air he needed to live.

The power felt lurking in his systems, flowing and giving him feelings he’d never felt before.

It was pure bliss.

After a few minutes, Jay blinked, his vision coming back, although with nothing to muffle it this time. The euphoric sensation slowly escaped him, letting reality settle back in his mind. Feelings of what was around and on him came back, making him tighten his fists.

He felt as though his sweat had drenched all of his clothes, along the blood. His chest kept expanding in grand moves, each breath making his body quiver, as he tried to catch his breath properly, and return oxygen to his brain.

When he did, his head returned to its previous heavy state, with each pulse increasing the pressure at an impossible rate. Yet, this stayed incredibly dull compared to what having worn the mask the first time had felt like.

He opened and closed his mouth, stretching his jaw to check if it hadn’t changed, or if the muscles there hadn’t torn apart. They had certainly felt so. He checked his limbs as well, particularly his hands, by opening and closing them multiple times.

Everything was good, it seemed.

Bringing his hands up, he checked his face, wanting to make sure everything was still there, and if he hadn’t just imagined the mask going inside of his skin.

But he hadn’t. The mask wasn’t here anymore.

He rubbed at his neck, but scratched himself, making him hiss. He looked at his hands.

Claws had grown, there. The gloves hadn’t even torn, having adapted to the new form they had gained. Closing his eyes, he then oversaw how his powers reacted to the newly added strength.

The response was immediate, surge of powers making his body twitch, and forcing him to gasp for air again. Opening back his eyes, he saw these bridges of electricity between his fingers, going all the way to the tip of his fingers, before disappearing, over and over again.

He chuckled, snapping his fingers. It created a small blow, enough to shake his curls. He then got back up, not bothered to look at the people around him, despite the loud whispers. Directing his gaze in front of him, he then aimed for a wall with his fingers, before sending his lightning there.

The stone that made the wall exploded, pieces of wood and rocks flying everywhere in the room, and allowing dust to float freely.

Jay snickered, feeling this happy buzzing inside of him, always here in the aftermath.

Fuck yeah.

He had missed this so much.

…I wonder who thisused to be.

Walking away from the gravestone, he added the wood to the fire he had prepared for the night.

A caravan was in that junkyard, but he didn’t feel like he was allowed to get inside, even if no one was there. No matter how cold it could get in the desert at night, this wasn’t his home, and he was simply there as a guest. He wasn’t even sure why he had traveled all the way here, but by the time he had realized where he had gone to, the sun had been long gone, leaving him with no choice but to set up camp here.

At least this spot was empty. It was a welcoming change compared to the crowded and suffocating places that had been the Administration or staying with the Wolf Clan. Although he had always been on his own in these previous positions, here the loneliness was one much better then what he’d dealt with in these last few years.

Jay hoped that there at least wouldn’t be any wild creatures to attack him. Fighting back without his powers had proven to be more difficult then he had expected. Thankfully, he had kept the gun from his time in the Administration; a great way to defend himself.

He sat on the ground, and looked at the fire crackling in front of his feet, relieving the itch on his face by scratching it as much as he could. No doubt his skin had not only turned red, but with marks left behind as well. Damn it.

…Being without that mask was going to be very hard. It had adapted to his skin- or maybe it had gifted him a second one. He wasn’t sure. He didn’t understand any of this.

All he knew, was that whenever he had been wearing it, even if for a short time, it had been granting him such an incredible thrill that he already knew just couldn’t be compared.

Oh, he had felt like he was on top of the world. As if nothing could’ve ever stopped his powers and him, from getting back at everything that had been unfair to him up to this point.

Now, all he had left were scars. From wearing this cursed mask, and bearing these powers that had never been truly his, but another’s hidden through his own element.

Jay had no idea if he missed the mask, its power, or if this was all caused by how much he missed his lightning.

His eye twitched; he should’ve listened to his urge, in that moment, and killed her. Destroyed her. And now that he hadn’t, the feeling of regret was unbearable.

He wanted to tear at his skin, but he didn’t even have the claws left for that. Only his poorly taken care of nails, dirty and gnawed by his need to relieve his anxiety and surges of powers every time he hadn’t been wearing the mask.

…Jay missed it all, as much as he cursed it all.

Had he not followed Ras, he would have never lost his powers. Had he stayed in the Administration, in this false life of his, he would have never been bothered by flashes and addictions he had never been prepared to face. He would’ve found his own way to his demise, sure, but at least through a path never led by others.

How had any of what I heard so farsounded right? How could I fall for their lies?

Jay frowned, thinking back on what he had listened to again. He didn’t believe them at all. Their fake stories…

Everyone lies. They’re all the same. Great warrior my ass. Jay now didn’t doubt that Ras could’ve lied to him, and it upset him greatly. What for?! To give him hope, and then crush it all in the next moment because of his so called failure? Gah!

He thought back on that woman he had fought. She too, had pretended to know him.

The sweet tone he could remember from her voice made him grit his teeth.

Even if she and her team had been right, why had they never come for him? It had been years. He had found himself all over again, since then.

“Let’s theorize that it was because they had no idea of where I was. Fine.” Jay clenched his fists. “Why didn’t they come get me when I was kicked out?”

His words were barely above a whisper, not even heavy enough to be carried around by the wind.

He stopped moving, forbid himself from flinching, focusing on the sounds of the burning fire so he could shift it as a background noise so his brain wouldn’t have to bother itself with. He then closed his eyes, and just… listened.

Strong wind, making the abandoned metal around him creak softly, and passing through small and tight openings, whistling all around him.

Deep down, he knew he waited for another noise. The snap of a branch, or the crunch of the sand under someone’s shoe that would make his hair bristle in apprehension. The sign that someone would come for him.

So he waited.

Until moments later, silence was still all that answered him.

He cursed, bringing his knees up to hug them, and huddle in a smaller position.

Jay didn’t know what else he had expected. Of course this wouldn’t happen.

He was alone. He’d always be, in the end. And it seemed like… he wasn’t enough. Not enough to make up for the help given to him, nor enough for people that were supposed to care about him to come back and find him. Loneliness was all that awaited him. He understood that.

… And despite feeling like this, he didn’t feel as he thought low he would’ve.

No. Quite the contrary.

Jay was… appeased. After all, that meant he could finally build a life. Even if it wouldn’t be much.

Throughout the years, he had learned that he had to move forward in order to survive. To do as told, and never question what he was ordered to do, or face consequences. Whether it had been the Administration, or Ras’s Wolf Clan.

So now, knowing for sure that no one and nothing was going to hold him back was freeing. Enough to get rid of these incessant thoughts bugging his mind, at least. Yet not quite enough to get rid of that pressure in his stomach.

Because all of this meant that he had nothing. He never had, and he never would. It left him… empty.

At the end of the day, it meant that he was nothing.

He watched the sparks escaping the fire. Like lightning’s, in a sense, but much less volatile, and not as comforting. He followed their trails, until his gaze ended up towards the stars. Had he known their names, a lifetime ago? The paths they traced, and how they never changed?

But it must’ve changed after the Merge. There was no doubt about that. Even something supposed to never be in motion except throughout centuries had completely shifted, no matter how infinite and big it must’ve always felt to him.

Everything had changed.

How was he supposed to find his past self if nothing was the same?

I don’t. That’s how. There was no need to waste time for something so meaningless. At least he hoped.

He sighed, glad to be protected from the chill of the night.

Warmth whenever it was cold was always a better thing. It was a comforting presence he had never admitted to enjoy in front of him. His… his heart kinda regretted that now.

Jay blinked at the dark sky.

…Who-

Something flashed before his eyes, too fast for him to identify what it was. It aimed for him, reaching its target in a millisecond.

Lightning had just struck him.

He shouted, feeling his powers immediately coming back to him, making him fall on his hands and knees.

Fuck. He hated that feeling. The one of his body getting electrocuted by his own life source, because he just couldn’t control it right.

Come on! He hit the ground with his fist, spitting on the grass as he grasped at the insanity of his power. He kept gritting his teeth, until finally, the lightning settled in, and buzzed happily to be back in its rightful place, with its rightful owner.

Jay took a deep breath. Yeah. Missed you too.

Since the start, his lightning had been the only thing there for him. To be reunited with it again brought tears to his eyes, both of joy, and anger.

At having lost them in the first place. At losing them to that damned water ninja.

I love you, Jay. I will always love you.

The memory of the woman’s desperate face flashed back when he shut his eyes to get rid of his tears.

An act. It wasn’t that difficult to pretend emotions after all, was it?

If he ever saw her again… he was pretty sure he wouldn’t hesitate to kill her.

She hadn’t hesitated to defeat him. Pretty fucked up for someone who was supposed to care, like she wanted him to believe.

Or maybe she’d been following orders, like I was.

Jay shook his head. Whatever the reason, it clearly wouldn’t justify anything. Nor would it tarnish the way his heart dripped hatred into his blood, making him even angrier then before.

The medallion felt heavy in his pocket.

Too heavy, this time.

He took it, and looked at the shape.

…It was a missing piece. He could see that now.

Jay didn’t want to be that. The missing piece of someone instead of being his own person. Of a puzzle he had nothing to do with.

What kind of life could he expect if all he was supposed to be was a pawn placed by others, and never able to have his own free will? The piece in a long chain of supposed important people. Full of important tasks, to serve the greater good of some kind of Great Administration, or a Great Cause of some Delusional Clan.

He’d be no one’s missing piece. No one’s lost part.

He was his own soul. No matter how shattered it felt, and how many little pieces of it were left.

Jay threw the heavy piece in the fire, the weight in his heart never tarnishing during the long time he watched it in the flames, as the moon advanced its course. He stayed that way, holding his limbs tightly against him, while taking deep yet suffocating breaths.

Until, it finally started to melt.

The slightest tint of gold, pearling down as it became a liquid again, and advanced on the darker metal it was attached to.

Never again.

[electricea]

on being 30.

my birthday is this weekend and i don't really know how much free time i'll have to spend on here, so i did want to poke on here and at least say something - thank you for another year together, whether we've just met or have known each other for ages, i genuinely appreciate being able to spend another year on this website with so many great folks, sincerely - i appreciate every dm, every image, it doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

i've sort of touched on before on how 2024 has been a sort of a slump for a year for me - i've always sort of battled with self doubt and self loathing and just for some reason this year, it seems to just keep coming back and i hate that i actually doubt and question myself - if there's still a place for me here and when i get in my own head like this i really isolate myself and try to just deal with it in private because i don't like being a downer so if you have noticed me not exactly being the most responsive or talkative lately, that’s why - i’m not angry with anyone, i’m not trying to be cold with anyone - going back into my shell is just what I do and how I cope, it always has been, i don't even like writing this. and to make this clear, this is a me problem - not an anyone else problem, period - this isn't a vague or to point fingers, the issue is with me.

i think what sort of prompted this was seeing a lot of people open up about their own feelings and insecurities and I get the sense that 2024 hasn’t exactly been a great year for a lot of people either and my mindset has always been so long as it's not being passive aggressive or directing the blame at others, i honestly think it's good to have an outlet to just say how you're feeling once in a while - how else will people know what you're struggling with? of course what they choose to divulge is up to them and no one has to divulge if they don't want to, we're all just here for rp and for fun but i think sort of seeing others also struggling with having a crappy year and seeming to be in similar slumps was what really prompted me to write this. i hope it's just down to 2024 being a cursed year or something, lol.

like i said, i do genuinely appreciate all of you - i think more than anything else, more than rp or writing, the people are what keeps me coming back to tumblr - getting to write with and meet so many different writers from across the world (and possibly even talk with some of them and hang out with them??) is honestly a privilege and honour and even if i may not respond right away, please just know i appreciate every interaction, every message, every person. thank you all for being a part of my tumblr experience for another year and for already getting this birthday off to a lovely start. take care of yourselves.

[eregyrn-falls]

^^^^^^ !!!!!

There's so much I'd like to add but it would be carrying coals to Newcastle. Great post! (And a lot of great tag-rants in the notes, too.)

I did want to add one thought to this set of tags from @achromaticegoist, about the punch in particular.

It took me a long while to realize it, but not only is the punch reflective of a whole lot of things about Ford's state of mind on his arrival back through the portral... but, it also serves as some really interesting closure (and I'm not even sure the writers realized it).

In the episode, it's told out of order, so we see the punch FIRST. But later in the ep, when we see the fight that led to Ford going through the portal in the first place, what happens is that he and scan are scuffling, and there's that moment when Ford pushes Stan off with his foot and inadvertantly presses Stan against the glowing (apparently red-hot) symbol on the side of the control panel.

Stan screams in pain, of course. And immediately, Ford is suddenly worried, and contrite. He says, "Stanley! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are you alr-"

And Stan punches him in the face.

That punch is what sends Ford stumbling out into the portal room and falling against the activation lever; and landing inside the danger zone. Ford does get up, but before he gets a chance to say anything else, Stan shoves the journal into his chest, Ford begins to float, and the disaster unfolds from there.

We don't spend enough time thinking that, basically, from Ford's point of view (if he replayed those last moments over and over in his head, as he probably did), the last things that Stan did to him was: punch him in the face, and then shoving him into the portal. The latter was accidental (though disastrous); but the first kind of wasn't. Ford stopped fighting, switching to concern and apology. While Stan lashing out due to the pain is understandable, Stan's punch is what prevents the fight from being over.

Ford coming out of the portal 30 years later and immediately punching Stan in the face kind of creates a book-end with that earlier punch from Stan, doesn't it? Ford getting to hit back the way he didn't (wouldn't?) 30 years ago. (He stands up, but he just stands there angrily staring at and listening to Stan as he approaches. He doesn't try to leap at Stan again or try to wrestle him for the book, etc. Was Ford, effectively, done fighting the moment Stan got seriously hurt?)

As I said, I'm not sure the writers were thinking about that consciously. I don't remember hearing them comment about it (i.e. that Ford's punch was a mirror of the punch that Stan gave him 30 years prior). But I do like to look at what's written and think about it in terms of, these scenes are deliberately written, the way it goes and the details included are chosen, often at the end of a long process of collaboration. I think that what's chosen for the final version is always very interesting.

And I just don't often see people discuss that moment where Ford stops fighting, and immediately becomes worried and apologetic. Not least because, like... up to that point in the series, we haven't seen Stan be apologetic very often. A few times, yes! And it's always notable when he does it. It clashes with the exterior he presents to the world; the man for whom saying "Please" gives him physical pain, etc. Some of which is meant for laughs, too! And some of which is just the product of being hardened by experience and so on.

It tells us something, I think, that Stan truly getting hurt, and screaming in pain, is enough to end Ford's desire to fight. That even after 10+ years of estrangement, he's that ready to be concerned for Stan; and that he's that ready with an apology. Later reads of Ford (post-portal) will portray him as the man who won't say "thank you", and I have other thoughts and feelings about that. But getting back to this, it's the show's choice to have Ford stop their fight and make a slight turn towards a sort of reconciliation. When they could have easily just had him and Stan keep fighting and struggling and the portal turn on because of that. It's such an interesting writing decision; and I just don't hear people dig into what it means for the characters very often.

What's your stance on Ford as a person? Honestly, I believe that for thr majority of canon he is a bad person. But I believe he grew. Still not great though XD

(Love him anyways obvs)

I disagree entirely! I think he's equally as good a person as any of the other main cast.*

*Except Mabel, who, as we all know, is always right about everything.**

(**This is a lighthearted joke. For the love of god, I don't want Mabel discourse in my inbox.)

His biggest sins in the show:

After telling his brother that he was thinking about changing their shared life plans, and then discovering that his brother had gone to the high school that night for no good reason and gone to the science fair for no good reason and messed around near Ford's science project for no good reason and broke it and didn't tell Ford about it... Ford believed Stan did it intentionally and held a grudge for it. You know what, it WOULD be pretty damn hard to believe it was an accident.

Hilariously ill-equipped to cope with Fiddleford's mental health. A guy who responds to "I have anxiety" with "have you tried yoga, it helps me" isn't a bad person, he's clueless. "Character cheerfully enacts a bad idea while a loved one in the background goes NO PLEASE DON'T DO THAT" describes half the episodes of Gravity Falls.

Was successfully manipulated by a professional manipulator into believing his best friend wished him ill. Man, what a terrible person Ford is for being manipulated by a manipulator and saying cruel things to somebody he'd been genuinely convinced was trying to harm him.

??? Didn't say thanks to a guy he was still mad at after the guy fixed a problem he himself had caused. This is a solitary example of stubborn bad etiquette, jesus christ. There's half a dozen different reasons why it makes perfect sense Ford wasn't in the right mindset to feel grateful, this is not something worth indicting his entire character over.

He had high ambitions, which everyone seems to lambast him for, but high ambitions that wouldn't have required doing anybody harm! (Until the professional manipulator started manipulating him into harming the people around him, but we are going to demonstrate some reading comprehension and not blame Ford's underlying morality as a person for things he never would've done if not for Bill's bullying, con artistry, and outright lies.) Like, what is it that he wanted to do with his life? Use his talents to get rich and famous? Shit, that's exactly what Stan wanted to do with his life. It's what Dipper fantasizes about doing with his life. Even Mabel, who thinks about her long-term future the least, dreams big with her art & performances and is already making big money off cheap-ass commissions. What terrible people they all are, for—let me check my notes here—uhhh... unrealistically fantasizing about achieving success in life by doing the things they're good at.

When their dad accuses Stan of lying as a child, Ford puts his entire summer on the line to defend Stan even though he knows Stan is a habitual liar and has no reason to believe Stan is telling the truth this time.

When his new college roommate he barely even knows gets laughed at for proposing an outlandish scientific theory, his first emotion is outrage at this injustice and he drops everything to convince his already-despondent roommate that he was right and help him prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

When he moves to a new town, he tries again and again to befriend his new neighbors, and fails not because he's rude or a jerk, but because he's awkward as hell, tells terrible jokes, and sucks at identifying phoenixes.

When Fiddleford gets hurt around him, he cares about it, feels guilty about putting him in that position, doesn't want it to happen again, and tries his best to help even though he's bad at helping.

When he gets kidnapped by a weird holiday folklore creature, he concludes without even thinking about it that he's now in charge of protecting and rescuing the kidnapped kids. Yeah, then he immediately starts hollering at the folklore creature for trying to impose his religious beliefs on Ford and the kids—but like, Ford was right tho, he just had bad timing.

When he discovers that the Northwest family committed atrocities against their poorer neighbors a century ago, his first instinct is to march up to their house, find the first Northwest he can locate, and give them a piece of his mind for it. Like, this won't even FIX anything. He's just THAT OUTRAGED over the injustice.

When he sees what he thinks is a fortune telling fraud conning the people, he attempts to debunk her because he's mad to see someone cheating other people with lies—and when he can't debunk her, he just leaves her alone rather than harass her about it. Typically, if assholes think somebody's doing something wrong but don't have any proof of it and fail to get proof when they look, they decide they're right anyway and keep giving that person shit. Ford doesn't give her shit. That's the opposite of an asshole move.

When he discovers his Portal To Knowledge (And Fame & Fortune) is actually a Portal To Doom (But Still Possibly Fame & Fortune, Maybe Even Godly Power), he isn't tempted for a second to keep working on it anyway. There is no moment where Bill manages to tempt him. No matter what Bill offers, no matter how long Bill offers, never, at ANY point, does Ford have a SECOND of "but what if I did make a deal with the devil?" the way so many heroes in similar situations often do.

You ever notice that? So often moral moments in the show are presented as choices the characters make. Will or won't Dipper give Bill a "puppet" in exchange for knowledge. Will or won't Stan fight a pterodactyl to protect Mabel's pig. Will or won't Mabel hand Bipper the journal. Ford is never given a "will or won't he" moment over Bill's threats, offers of friendship, or offers of infinite power—he steamrolls straight past them without a second of consideration—because, to him, the selfish, cowardly, easy choice ISN'T EVEN AN OPTION. He doesn't even SEE it as making a choice because the possibility of doing the wrong thing is invisible. A character who wavers first before turning Bill down would look more noble for "overcoming" temptation—it's harder to notice just how much stronger Ford's moral compass must be to not even feel temptation in the first place.

Greed and pride never tempt him to join Bill's side. Exhaustion, despair, and fear never tempt him to give up. He bears up under weeks, possibly months of extreme sleep deprivation, physical torture, psychological torture, emotional torture, threats of death, threats of brainwashing, threats to his family. He doesn't hold up so that he can pat himself on the back for being a hero—if that was all it was he would've gone "screw it, this isn't worth it and nobody would know I'm the one who gave up" a week in—he does it because he simply knows it must be done and because he's so isolated (half because of Bill's influence!) that he believes he's the one who must do it, all alone.

Thinking he has to do it by himself isn't egotism or pride; it's helplessness. He thinks no one else stands a chance. He thinks he's alone.

And, when he discovers his Portal To Knowledge is a Portal To Doom, he immediately feels guilty. No trying to deny the situation to protect his ego. No shuffling the blame off to someone else. No "maybe the apocalypse could have a silver lining!" No locking the door and trying to ignore the problem. He blames himself for being fooled—he IMMEDIATELY takes full responsibility for his actions—and he CONTINUES to take responsibility FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS.

He takes more responsibility than is even warranted—he treats himself like he's an idiot for believing in an APPARENT GOD who's been practicing manipulating humans for thousands of years and who had never given Ford reason to believe the portal was anything but what Bill said it was. He beats himself up to no end every single time his past with Bill comes up. He even keeps beating himself up thirty years later when he's shoving warning notes to future readers in Bill's evil unkillable book!

When he falls into the multiverse, he dedicates his entire life NOT to finding a way to rescue himself, but to finding a way to permanently stop the CHAOS GOD who's still at the threshold of destroying Ford's world and countless others. He makes himself a hated criminal in the process, just to stop Bill. He's ready to spend the rest of his life trying to protect a world he doesn't think he'll ever see again. He does it because, as he sees it, somebody has to stand in between the children and the obnoxious folklore cryptid menacing them, and he's the only adult in this damn cave with the skills and knowledge for the job.

When he gets home, he doesn't tell his family about Bill and his quest because he's afraid that doing so will get them involved and endanger them too—and because he's too deeply ashamed of himself and his mistakes to stand the thought of his family knowing about the horrible things he's done (AGAIN, WHILE BEING MANIPULATED BY THE GOD OF MANIPULATION).

He loves his great-niece and great-nephew the second he lays eyes on them; he nevertheless tries to steer away from them to keep them safe from Bill; and yet he caves to the very first temptation to emotionally bond with his great-nephew he gets, because in spite of his noble "keep them safe" intentions, he wants so so badly to be close to his family.

As pissed as he still is at Stan and even though neither of them can look at each other without hissing like cats, he still makes an attempt to start bridging their divide by inviting him to play DD&MD.

When the apocalypse happens, he immediately puts his life on the line to try to kill Bill.

And when he's captured, isn't fazed for a second by Bill's offers or threats... until his family is threatened. The exact thing he'd been trying to avoid & prevent from the very start.

And when he's reunited with Fiddleford, his immediate reaction is to point out that Fiddleford's well within his rights to hate him—which isn't a new revelation, it's not like Ford had to do any soul-searching to reach this conclusion, he'd concluded that 30 years ago the instant he realized Bill had played him and that he'd been lied to about Fiddleford.

And then he tries to kill Bill again.

And then he's ready to sacrifice his own life to kill Bill—and the only reason he doesn't is because he has a metal plate preventing him from making the sacrifice... but, Stan doesn't have a plate. If Ford hadn't had the metal plate, he would have gladly done the exact same thing Stan did—and he would have thought it was right for him and only him to make that sacrifice, because it's VERY clear he feels (and has felt from the start) that this is all his fault and he's obligated to fix it.

Over and over and over, these are Ford's two defining character traits: getting so pissed off at injustice that his common sense shuts off and he goes into terminator mode until he's righted this wrong as best he can, even when he can't actually do anything about it; and feeling like he's Atlas, weighed down with the full responsibility of fixing everything he's done wrong and made to believe that, for everyone else's sake, he has to do it all alone. Even when doing so puts himself in harm's way, even when he has to put his entire life on hold for it, even if it might cost him his life. Scrape off his awkward social skills, his loneliness, his nerdiness, his endless curiosity, his zealous love of the strange, his starry ambitions, his yearning for recognition and success—scrape his personality down to the bone and that's what you're left with. A man who believes in defending the exploited so strongly that it makes him a little stupid.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that you probably don't think Stan's fundamentally a bad person, and that you probably think that isn't even worth questioning. Stan's made a whole career out of swindling people, conning them out of as much money as he possibly can, stealing, lying, committing a long list of goofily-named crimes, and attempting douchy pick-up artistry on women; and to cap it all off, he held the safety of the entire universe hostage to demand a goddamn "thank you." Don't send me any "But he had reasons—" "But it was only to—" I don't need it, I don't want the essay, I'm not arguing that Stan's a bad guy, it's fine.

But. You can look at Stan's moments of cruelty and unkindness, his uncharitable thoughts, his character flaws, and think, "that doesn't define him. He's more than his cruelest moments and worst mistakes. He's imperfect, but he cares so much and his heart's in the right place, and beneath all the flaws his core is good."

And if you can't do the same for Ford, it's not because he's a worse person. It's because we got two seasons with Stan and five and a half episodes with Ford—and while we saw Stan yearning to fish with the kids or encouraging Mabel to whoop Pacifica's butt at minigolf or crying over a black and white period drama or punching zombies to save his family, we only saw Ford at the worst moments in his life and under the stress of a prolonged apocalyptic crisis—and, it so happens, all the moments he was pissed at the guy we spent two seasons learning to love.

Ford's got moments of cruelty and unkindness, uncharitable thoughts, and character flaws. But, at his core, he's a good person, and he always has been, and he still is.

[rakkuntoast]

"we'll meet again don't know when, don't know where but i know we'll meet again some sunny day"

[bumbleboa]

I have been talking a lot about how I want to be less precious about my sketches but still end up hoarding everything in files that never see the light of day because I think they don't measure up (to my own expectations).

But you know what? This is fanart, it's not meant to be polished since it's just for me and maybe someone else gets a kick out of my doodles as well, so let's end 2024 with a bit of a sketch dump from my files.

[vynegar]

"Albie" (main story 11-21)

At the end of Episode 11 (Part 1), we find out that "Albie" is simply a name that Vyn made up on the spot when Rosa asked. He may have been inspired by his own birth name, Vilhelm Richard Albert de Haspran.

In Chinese, Vyn choose the name "阿明". "阿" is a prefix used to form nicknames, "明" can be a name but also means "bright, clear". In Vyn's Romantic Rail Getaway card "Food for Thought", he tells us the meaning of his name:

You can see the character 明 appear in the word 明亮 ("bright"), although 明 is such a common character that I wouldn't say that this Chinese text alone is enough is sufficient evidence to show the connection between the two names. It's the way that the "Albie" and "阿明" happen to coincide in the name "Albert", which made me take note of Vyn's "careless" choice in name.

If the Chinese name was intended to subtly reference "Albert", I can certainly imagine imagine this as one way to preserve that reference through translation, even if it becomes more obvious. We do have an example of the translation preserving plot-relevant wordplay in a name: Lowe Leare ("Lowly"), originally 萧仁 ("小人", both pronounced "xiao ren" but with different tones). However, there's also an incident of a plot-relevant name being missed through translation, though it was in an event (not the main story) that probably foreshadowed a distant plot point and had infamously bad translation issues.

Anyway, it remains possible that "Albie" is a coincidence. However, after Vyn and Rosa wrap up their conversation about Albie's name, the narration makes a comment on the importance of that moment:

It isn't until the whole case is settled that you are surprised to realize something... You had briefly touched on the key to cracking the case at this very moment.

...which at least gives me enough confidence to not feel silly writing up a whole post about it. We've only seen part of this case, and there's a lot of mystery still surrounding Vyn's behavior so I don't have any definitive hypotheses on why Vyn might have chosen his own name for Albie. Is there something that made Vyn seen himself in Albie? Did the delinquent's attitude remind Vyn of the cruel, stratified world that he was born in? Is he reminded of how people who have imperfections will be tossed aside and abandoned? I guess we'll see when part 2 of this episode is released.

[qwanderer]

Hello again! This time I'm pulling together a few different ideas from @wordsinhaled @nix-nihili @idliketobeatree and myself to create:

Five brunches that were just for Edwin and Crystal, and one where Niko was invited too!

CW: references to stalking and abuse

1. Cinnamon Swirl Muffins

Years ago

They became aware of each other when they both reviewed the same restaurant.

Edwin could find no fault in the place. The food was technically perfect in every way, precisely plated, the ingredients fresh and the combinations of flavors well reasoned. He had obviously given the place a glowing review.

The comments on that particular entry on his blog included a link to Crystal's vlog, and her review scornfully insisting that the place had no soul at all and that visiting it had been the most stultifyingly boring experience she'd ever had at a place.

Not in so many words. She was brash and casual; she swore freely in her reviews. Overall, she struck him as rude and uncouth, a troll, rather than a serious critic.

Edwin would have dismissed her out of hand, but the popularity of her videos far outstripped his little blog's readership.

He gave into the temptation to disparage her video in the comments. She countered, calling him snooty and snobby.

And thus begun their rivalry.

They argued over restaurants, recipes, techniques; he critiqued her pans and the fact that she kept her knives loose in a drawer! He stood by all his positions, but he kept at it because it was entertaining, and because it drew attention to his own blog. It was mutually beneficial, really.

The cinnamon swirl muffin recipe was the breaking point, however.

He'd once been given some bad milk as a prank by the other boys at school and he'd been wretchedly sick for days. Crystal's position was inexplicable and utterly irresponsible. Food critics were supposed to be advocates for the best of everything, and certainly shouldn't be suggesting people consume anything that had gone off.

Crystal Palace Surname-Von Hoverkraft, however, was adamant that the best way to make her cinnamon swirl muffins was with sour milk.

After a long back-and-forth, Edwin reluctantly agreed to meet at Crystal's flat for a tasting. She, of course, filmed him with her phone as she set the muffins in front of him.

They did smell appealing, but that was no guarantee.

"If I am subjected to food poisoning because of this," he told her and the camera, "I will make you regret it."

"Dude," said Crystal, "you just saw me take them out of the oven. They're still warm. All the little critters are dead. It's just like the yeast in bread. Nothing to be afraid of."

"It is not the same thing as yeast," he objected, but he'd made an agreement, and so he gingerly selected a muffin, breaking off a small piece of it. He sniffed it.

"You're stalling, you coward," Crystal goaded him, but her expression held a humor that the camera couldn't see.

"Excuse me, I am savoring," he told her with raised eyebrows, "or at least attempting to."

"Well, go on, then. Savor away."

Edwin popped the piece of muffin into his mouth.

It had a light, resilient moisture and a buttery taste that formed a marvelous contrast with the flavorful sweetness of the cinnamon swirls. He frowned at the rest of the muffin in consternation, and then took another bite.

It was just as undeniably delightful as the first.

"So," Crystal asked pointedly. "What's the verdict?"

He narrowed his eyes at the camera. He gave a long sigh. And he said, "I am forced to admit that these are delicious."

She laughed at him, and turned the camera on herself. "There you have it, folks!" she crowed. "Even the great Edwin Payne of Deconstructed Palates has to bow to the superiority of my muffin recipe secrets!"

She turned off the recording. "Thanks for humoring me," she said. "That's gonna go viral, just see if it doesn't."

"Yes, well, only time will tell if I suffer any harm from this," he said ruefully.

"Nah," said Crystal. "I mean, I stand by my recipe, it's not dangerous, but also I didn't have any old milk so I just put a little vinegar into some fresh milk instead. It does the trick."

Edwin blinked at her. "That is dishonest," he said.

"Yeah, well." She shrugged. "Sometimes that's show biz."

He had to admit that he felt better knowing he hadn't actually eaten anything rotten.

That was the beginning of regular brunches between the two. These were not for public consumption, but instead showcases of skill at first, showing off and trying to one up the other. That changed fairly quickly; they both had too much respect for the food to use spite as a heavy seasoning. Instead it became for the pure joy of cooking for someone else. After all, breakfast food had always been one of Edwin's particular favorites to indulge in, and having someone to cook for made it even better.

2: Full English

Years ago

Edwin began to worry when Crystal stopped talking about her partner, David, and continued to worry when she stopped inviting Edwin to brunch at hers.

They still traded off cooking each time they met. Her excuse, that "Your kitchen is just better, Edwin," was undoubtedly true, but he could tell that wasn't the full story. He knew very well that she could work wonders in that little kitchen.

Her videos became shorter and more sporadic.

And then came the first time she'd ever cancelled on him.

He wouldn't have thought anything of it, but even over the phone her voice had the barest tremble in it, and it was as if he could hear his younger self in it, the desperate attempts at composure to fend off something worse.

"Crystal," he said carefully, "if you need anything, I am here."

There was silence for a moment.

"We're not even really friends," she said. "We're rivals. Just happen to both be in the business of food." But she didn't sound happy about it.

"We are friends," he told her, "and I mean it. If you need anything, please tell me."

The following silence was longer, and then she said, very quietly, "Can you help me move out?"

—

He came over early the next morning after David had left for work, and helped her pack the essentials, anything she'd need and anything she couldn't bear to part with. A futon and a folding table that just barely fit into her car. The entire contents of her kitchen.

She'd found a place above a butcher's shop that Edwin had never been to, but which was apparently the subject of one of Crystal's videos. The proprietor was frightening, but also sharp and sarcastic in a way that Edwin could appreciate, and he'd gotten distracted while carrying a box of Crystal's things by some educational and visually appealing signage that she had in her shop.

Once they'd gotten all of Crystal's things up to the new flat, she sat down at the folding table with a heavy sigh. "Ugh," she said, putting her hands to her head. "How do I even. Like. Do anything. Just keep doing life things like everything is normal." She looked around the strange kitchen, seeming utterly lost. "And it's my turn to do brunch, and you're supposed to feed people who help you move."

"Not to worry," said Edwin, assessing the tiny kitchen. "I will cook this morning."

"No, hey, it's really my turn to cook," Crystal said, shaking her head. "And I know you always like to have a plan ahead of time."

"I am always prepared to cook a full English breakfast," he told her.

She huffed out a sigh, staring him down. "Edwin Everett Eleazar Payne," she said, "you have done more than enough to help me today."

He did not back down. "Crystal Palace Surname-Von Hoverkraft," he replied, "you are the closest thing to family I have, and you cannot stop me from doing what I can for you when you are going through hardships."

"Oh," she said, her voice small. "Yeah, okay."

"There are some components that are not ready to hand, but I can go out to the shops, it won't take long."

"I don't…" Crystal stopped herself. "No, sorry, it's silly."

"I am sure it is not," Edwin told her.

"I don't want you to leave just yet," she admitted.

He knew there were things more important than the food right now. But his stubborn instinct for serving a proper meal led him to ask, "Would you be all right if I popped downstairs for a bit of bacon? I'll be less than a moment."

Crystal smiled tiredly. "That is gonna be nice, isn't it?" she said. "Yeah, go ahead. I'll go bother you if you take too long."

—

They chatted as Crystal moved things around the flat a bit aimlessly and Edwin familiarized himself with Crystal's new kitchen, putting things in better order as he went, and started the familiar motions of putting together a simple breakfast.

"Hate to say it," Crystal said, "but it's a little sad that I'm the closest thing you have to family when I wasn't even sure you liked me until yesterday."

Edwin gave her a look. "You should know by now that I am brutally honest when I don't enjoy an experience."

"Yeah, unless you can’t come up with some technical explanation to hide behind, so you convince yourself you should like it," she argued.

There was, unfortunately, some truth to that, Edwin knew. "Fair," he said, and turned to face her. "Crystal, I enjoy our brunches immensely."

"Good," she said. "But. So. Really? You don't have anyone else like that? No family?"

"I have relations," Edwin told her. "We are not close."

"No, yeah, I get that," Crystal said, opening up a box and poking through it. "My parents aren't really. Around. They don't really care what I do or what happens to me."

Edwin thought about what that would have been like.

"My parents cared very much what I did, at one point," he offered.

"At least that's something," Crystal sighed.

"Perhaps," Edwin said. "But what they wanted was a son with flawless social graces, not prone to emotional outbursts, heterosexual, and inclined to the study of law."

"God. That explains so much." She shook her head. "I guess we're both screwed up, just in opposite directions."

It was true. And she was his closest friend, and he had seen so many of her vulnerabilities today.

"I can still feel it," Edwin said. "The weight of their eyes on me when I did anything even the slightest bit wrong. Laugh too loudly, eat too eagerly, slouch, complain. Come down to dinner in anything less than perfect dress for the occasion. They would make me leave the table, and I would go hungry."

"Fuck," Crystal said passionately. "Yeah. That doesn't sound better. I mean, yeah, I was ordering my own pizza when I was like, seven, but at least that meant I got to eat whenever I wanted."

"That doesn't make it right," he told her.

"I'm starting to get that," she said. "So, that happened a lot?"

"Regularly." Edwin sighed as he cracked the eggs into the pan. "And even when I learned not to actively disappoint, I still could not be the boy they wanted. Could never bring a nice girl home for them to meet, or pretend to be interested in discussions of law and finance. There was always some pointed remark that made it clear I was falling short."

He frowned down at the pan for a moment before retrieving bread for toast.

"I remember the times when every relative absolutely had to ask where I was planning on going to university. And of course I couldn't answer. I'd applied to the places my parents had most strenuously insisted on, to keep them mollified. But I already knew I wasn't going. I hid the culinary school applications. Hid the whole idea, until I couldn't anymore. And oh, when I told them, how they made their displeasure known. But I had committed, by then. I had made a plan. And it didn't involve them. My life would never involve them again, not really."

Crystal hummed softly, and Edwin became suddenly aware of what Crystal was currently going through.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm going on and on about my troubles, and you…"

"No, I don't want to talk about it right now," she interrupted. "Thanks for asking. Your sob story is a nice distraction, actually." She closed the box she'd been looking through and set it back down where it had been. "When you went to school, did things get easier?"

There was something wistful to the tone of her voice.

Edwin remembered that Crystal hadn't gone to university. That Edwin himself had made her very aware of that fact, on multiple occasions, when she hadn't known something that he'd learned in his very most basic classes.

He hadn't known any of it before those classes.

But the fact was that Crystal didn't need a degree in culinary arts to be a very effective food critic, a voice people listened to for a reason. He resolved not to do any more to make her feel as if she might be missing some crucial piece of expertise.

"Some things did get easier," he told her. "I had the space and resources to learn what I wished to learn. There was still homophobia and bullying, still expectations I couldn't possibly live up to. But I am not there anymore, either."

Crystal laughed darkly. "Look at us. Me needing so badly to be looked at that I move in with the first controlling abusive asshole who gives me any attention at all. And you needing so badly not to be looked at that your only friend didn't even know you were friends."

Edwin turned to look her in the eye again. "We're done with that," he told her emphatically. "We've found our way here."

Crystal got up and started towards him, and Edwin glanced at the eggs, turning off the hob before he could be tackled into a desperate, tight hug that he didn't know how to return.

But for Crystal, he would learn.

3. Spiced Onion Crepes

Months Ago

"Woah," Crystal said as soon as she walked into his flat. "Something smells really good."

"Is that so terribly unusual?" Edwin asked lightheartedly.

"Well, no," Crystal said, making her way to the kitchen. "But this is different. What are you making?"

"It's a spiced onion crepe," Edwin told her.

"Never heard of that," Crystal said, going over to peer at the mess on his counter. "Is it a new recipe you found somewhere, or have you been holding out on me?"

"I've been experimenting with some new flavors, if you must know," Edwin said, shooing her away to the table so he could continue cooking.

"Huh. Just out of the blue?" Crystal asked pointedly.

And Edwin wished he had lied, said he found the idea somewhere, because how could he explain that this fresh new burst of experimentation was because of Charles?

Charles, whom he barely knew, but whose smile he just couldn't forget about. Contagious even to think about.

Edwin finished up, plating the crepes and bringing them to the table.

"Okay, I have to try these," Crystal said, grabbing her plate out of his hand and digging in.

He rolled his eyes fondly and set his own plate down properly.

"Oh my god," Crystal said between bites, "I need this one for my recipe box, just so you know."

"I'll be sure to write it up for you," Edwin promised, taking his own first bite.

He'd had an idea of how he wanted it to taste, and he'd tasted some elements while cooking, of course, but, with everything together, as it was meant to be, there was a brightness to it, a liveliness, that surpassed his imagination, and that was unlike anything he had ever cooked before.

And Edwin knew who he owed the thanks for that.

"Ok, something is going on with you," Crystal said, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "What's got you smiling like that? You never smile like that."

"Like what?" Edwin asked.

"With teeth!" she exclaimed. "Come on. Tell me."

Edwin hesitated. It really was embarrassing how little time with Charles it had taken to influence him so much. By all rights there shouldn't be anything to tell, not yet.

"So there is something!"

"Crystal—"

"Don't Crystal me, Edwin—"

"Oh, all right," Edwin said, taking a breath. "It's just... I met someone, not long ago, and he..."

"You what?" Crystal's eyes went huge. "Where? When? You never go out—"

"It is not like that!" he hastened to correct. "It is not like that at all. I. I met him through work. He's. Well. He's the proprietor of an establishment I recently critiqued and I... find myself quite... well. I find I cannot stop thinking of him." Edwin laughed ruefully at himself. "It is rather silly, really, we have only met the once."

"Damn, Edwin. Who is this guy?"

Edwin knew he could never explain the impression Charles Rowland had made on him. But he felt compelled to try.

"When I was taking my nutrition courses," he said, "we read a scientific study which found that people absorb more nutrition from the food they enjoy and prefer, even over food that is nutritionally identical. That meant that joy was important to feeding the body. The pleasure of food is vitally important." He smiled. "At the time, it sounded like utter nonsense."

"It doesn't anymore?" Crystal asked.

Edwin peered down at the magical thing that he'd created. It felt like it had to be doing more for him than simply an average breakfast.

"I knew that I wanted to study the art of food for the joy it could bring," he said. "But somehow it is only now that I think I am beginning to understand exactly how much joy that can be, and how it fits into everything else that food is." He paused, thinking back over what he'd said and cringing. "No, sorry, I'm not making much sense, I'm afraid."

"I'd agree it sounds pretty out there," Crystal said, "but I just ate these amazing crepes? So I guess the proof is in the pudding."

Edwin laughed.

4. Idli, Chutney and Mango Lassi

Weeks Ago

It was just a snatch of unguarded conversation in the comments of an Instagram post that must have done it, Edwin thought in retrospect.

Niko Sasaki: I wouldn't want to get in the way of your brunches. I know they're important.

Crystal Palace: Not a problem. We're just gonna meet there this week. I swear, he spends more time cooking at that place than he does in his own home these days.

—

Edwin was quite proud of his latest batch of chutney. It might have been Aadhya's recipe, but she'd given the compliment of telling him that it tasted exactly right. That if she hadn't known better, she would have thought she'd made it herself.

He was stretching the rules of brunch this week because he hadn't been the one making the idli this morning, but he told himself it really wasn't so different than serving toast made out of storebought bread, which was obviously allowed.

"I'll bring you guys your drinks in a sec," Charles said, watching Edwin contemplate trying to carry everything at once. "So you don't have to be back and forth once you sit down to eat."

"Thank you," Edwin said gratefully, and carried the food to the small table Crystal had claimed where he sat, eager to explain the intricacies of the chutney technique.

They had only gotten a few bites in when Crystal stiffened. A cautious mood came over her that Edwin hadn't seen since…

"Oh my god, how did he find this place," she murmured, trying to hide her face and look casual at the same time.

Since he'd helped her move.

Edwin knew who he would see even before he turned his head.

"Fuck," he said, seeing David by the host station.

"I didn't know you swore," Charles said, coming up to their table with raised eyebrows.

"I do when I see Crystal's horrific ex," Edwin said darkly.

"Fuck, where?" Charles looked around as if he'd be able to spot David based on nothing but his aura, never having seen a picture of him.

Crystal blew out a breath. "It's been like two years since I dumped his ass, I cannot believe he's still trying to pull this shit," she grumbled.

"Well, maybe he's not here for you?" Charles suggested, although he looked a bit dubious about it himself.

Then David spotted them and strode towards their table. "Crystal! Crystal I'm so glad I ran into you, I really want to talk."

"No," Crystal said loudly.

Charles stepped between them before David could get within two meters of the table.

"Come on, babe," David said, craning his neck to peer around Charles.

"She said no," Charles told him pointedly.

"This isn't your business," David snapped at Charles.

"You are literally standing in my business," Charles countered.

David pushed forward, Charles pushed him back. It may or may not have been accidental that he used the same hand that held a brimming glass of mango lassi.

Which was now streaming down David's front.

"Fuck," David said, looking down at his yogurt soaked clothes.

"Right," Charles said. "Get the fuck out of my restaurant. Now."

David growled at him for a moment.

"Go!" Charles pointed to the door.

Only then did David turn around and leave, dripping as he went.

Charles winced. "Sorry about your drink," he said to Crystal. "I'll get you another."

"No, do not apologize for that," Crystal told him, looking impressed. "That was amazing."

"Well then," said Charles, grinning. "Don't worry. I'll always spill drinks on a raging dick for you."

"Ugh, thanks, you're the best," she told him.

Edwin couldn't help but agree.

5. Apricot Scones

Last Week

"So are you gonna make a move on your boy or not?"

Edwin nearly inhaled scone crumbs.

"Crystal, he is not my boy—"

"Yeah, not yet!" Crystal gestured at him exasperatedly. "Because you won't do anything about it. That's what I'm saying. Are you going to do something about it or not?"

Edwin opened his mouth to answer, wavered, then began, "I cannot simply—no matter what I feel for Charles, I—that is not how one makes decisions, Crystal, simply based on how they are feeling in the moment!"

Crystal gave a judgemental hum, clearly unconvinced.

"This is not…" Edwin sighed. "It's not a question of a bit of self-conciousness I need to be prodded out of. We both know I'm not shy about my interest when the situation calls for it," he pointed out.

"You mean when it's someone you don't really give a rat's ass whether they respect you in the morning or not," she said ruthlessly.

Edwin wanted to be able to argue, but he thought of the obvious example, his longest relationship to date.

Crystal had taken him to the restaurant where that began, as it did, with an overheard, half-joking "I could kiss whoever made this."

Thomas had taken him up on that, taken him home with Crystal's teasing good wishes, and Edwin had thought of the whole thing as fun, a lark, until Thomas had come down with feelings.

Edwin had tried, honestly tried, but it simply wasn't what he wanted.

Charles was what he wanted. But the nature of the relationship was so much less important than the time spent. The trust, the closeness. Everything they already had.

Perhaps this was the first time he truly cared how things might progress. The first person he was both attracted to and wanted to impress. Perhaps Crystal was right that he was brave only when it didn't count.

That weight was no less felt for having been pointed out.

"This is not something I can afford to ruin," he told her. "This show, the restaurant, it's important. To Charles, and to his mother. I could damage our professional relationship. And our friendship."

Edwin thought of how difficult it had been, thinking that Charles did not view their friendship as important enough to confide in Edwin about major events in his life. His mouth went dry.

"I could..." His voice failed. He started over. "I could lose Charles," he managed. "And that is... unthinkable."

"Okay," said Crystal, buttering another scone, "you've clearly already thought about this a lot. Like. Way too much. You do know you're completely gone for him, right?"

"I am entirely aware," Edwin said pointedly.

"And he's clearly pretty damn attached to you. Do you think it's fair to him to keep this secret?"

That—

Crystal might have a point about that. Just possibly.

But it made her a terrible hypocrite to say so.

"Alright, then why haven't you told Niko how you feel yet?" Edwin asked her.

"That's—" Crystal put down her scone in order to glare at him more petulantly. "That's different. She's busy, her career is just taking off—I can't fucking distract her with this." She stared into the jam jar morosely. "Besides, I'm not even sure she likes me like... that."

Edwin recalled vividly every time he had gone to visit Crystal only to find her in Niko's apartment instead, how often their conversations turned to Niko's accomplishments, how Niko looked at Crystal like she'd hung the moon, how when Edwin was helping Crystal move in, Niko had peeked her head out and gone completely still with the most wonderstruck look on her face.

He cleared his throat. "Crystal. I hesitate to criticize in such strong terms, but—"

"Please," she said. "You love to criticize. Don't front."

"Fine. Are you a fucking idiot, Crystal?"

She blinked at him for a moment.

"So you, uh…" She bit her lip. "You're pretty sure she likes me back?"

"I am certain," Edwin said.

She thought about that for a moment, and then shook her head. "Right, okay, and you can't see that Charles is like, way more enthusiastic about you?"

That wasn't a good point of comparison. "Charles is enthusiastic about everything," Edwin argued. "He exudes enthusiasm. It's what he does. Niko… is more selective in what she shows. The moments when she is speechless are most convincing to me."

Crystal looked like she really wanted to believe him.

"I don't know," she said.

"Well, you can certainly understand why I hesitate, then," he concluded, reaching for another scone for himself.

She pointed directly at him. "Buddy. This is more than hesitation."

"Yes," he agreed without reservation. "It is."

"Right. I'm gonna need you to unpack that a little."

He buttered his scone as he thought about how to explain… all of it.

"Sometimes one person admitting that they've come down with feelings is the beginning of the end," he reminded her. "And in some cases that's for the best, but I cannot believe that about Charles and myself. For one, it is about more than Charles and myself. It involves Niko and her project, everyone who works at the restaurant, the community around it…"

"Please, even if you do end up having relationship troubles it's not going to blow up the whole restaurant," Crystal said, rolling her eyes.

"But so much of it rests on Charles and Aadhya."

"Stop," Crystal said, holding up a halting hand. "Stop, nope, please stop and think about what's best for you for a minute, okay? Just for a minute."

Edwin let out a breath, and did.

He thought about the first time he'd been invited to share a meal by Charles and Aadhya not at the restaurant, but at their home.

They had served themselves out of communal dishes, nothing formally plated, and it had felt warm and intimate, like being on the inside of their lives instead of merely brushing up against each other.

That feeling was more important than anything else.

"So much of what makes my life feel worth living right now rests on Charles and Aadhya," he persisted.

A strange expression crossed Crystal's face.

"I'm glad I'm not the closest thing you have to family anymore," she said.

"You are my family," he told her firmly. "And so are they. And now I can say that with confidence because I know without a doubt what family should be."

Crystal blinked, and then wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and then said, "Yeah, okay, I get it." After a moment she gave him a brilliant smile. "Things are pretty great right now, huh?"

"Indeed they are," he agreed.

+1: Raspberry Beignets

Today

Crystal's flat smelled utterly heavenly. Coffee, fried dough, a tang of…raspberries. The scents drifted through the hallway, as she'd left her door open.

"Crystal?" Edwin called, not wanting to step in unannounced.

"Hey, Edwin, come on in," she answered, and as Edwin drew closer, he could hear her humming to herself.

That meant she was in a very good mood indeed.

He found her in her kitchen, dusting powdered sugar over red-speckled beignets and grinning from ear to ear.

There were three places set at the table.

Edwin blinked, just to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

"Crystal," he asked carefully, "why are there three place settings?"

"Oh, right," said Crystal, and her grin got impossibly wider. "So. A thing happened."

"A thing happened," Edwin repeated blankly.

"Well you know how it is," she said. "I love to prove you wrong."

"You do, in fact," he admitted. "What is this about, exactly?"

"Well, last week you said you were certain about something," she said. "And, well, I guess it turned out that spite was the thing that finally got me to test your theory?" She laughed, moving the beignets to the table.

Edwin cast his mind back to their conversation the previous week. And saying he was certain did ring a bell. About—

"So I asked Niko on a date," Crystal told him delightedly. "And I am forced to admit," she said, imitating his accent as she echoed the line from that very first brunch, "that you were right."

"Oh!" Edwin said. "She said yes, then?"

"I did," said Niko from the door.

"Hey, babe!" Crystal said.

"Hello, Niko," Edwin greeted her with a smile.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Niko asked, inching her way into the flat. "I don't want to intrude, I know brunch is usually a you two thing."

"I have absolutely no objection," Edwin told her.

And he didn't. Niko had quickly developed from an occasional acquaintance to a close friend over the past months, as they worked on the show together. She was a consummate professional when the situation called for it, and sweetly charming in a more personal setting. If Crystal felt comfortable with her here, then so did Edwin.

Niko squeaked joyfully, and rushed over to kiss Crystal on the cheek before taking her place at the table. "Those smell sooooo good," she said, looking at the heap of beignets.

"So," said Crystal as they also settled into their chairs, "any chance of you following my example anytime soon and confessing your feelings for a certain guy?"

"Crystal!" Edwin hissed.

"Wait, you and Charles still aren't dating?" Niko asked.

"No!" Edwin directed his exasperation at Niko this time.

"Oh," Niko said with wide eyes. "I thought you two had finally figured things out after that awful promo shoot. So Charles was actually staying over because you were actually super sick? Sorry, I totally thought that was code for… something else."

Edwin sighed deeply.

"I was, maybe, possibly, being a bit of an idiot about some things," he admitted, "and we cleared those up, but his friendship is too important to me to destabilize anything by bringing up romance."

Niko and Crystal gave each other a long, meaningful look and then Niko said, "Yeah, but the great thing is, the friendship doesn't disappear just because you get to kiss someone now. None of the good stuff does."

"Yeah, totally," Crystal agreed with an absolutely hopeless, lovestruck smile. Niko giggled in return, and their hands twined together on the table. Then, natural as breathing, they leaned in and kissed, soft and sweet and so, so happy.

Edwin eyed them thoughtfully.

It did give him hope.

3/? - Restaurant owner / chef Charles / Food critic Edwin AU - continued!

Hello, lovely folks - the restaurant AU continues and has outgrown its last thread, which is amazing! Here's a new reblog chain to reblog from and continue the journey <3 I'll also be updating the masterpost to add this one!

You can read the AU from the beginning here!

The masterpost for the AU is here!

[daily-whistlepaw]

daily whistlepaw until whis becomes PoV whisversary part twenty four

okay everyone, we got there! it has been three years since I began drawing whistlepaw everyday.

It is not an understatement to say Whis has become a main part of my life. I draw whistlepaw constantly and it is a relaxing little thing to do in the evening. It has grown alongside me, I don't think I need to begin a whole new spiel like I did at day 1000, but my life has changed so much since day one of this, but whistlepaw didn't leave. It was here as I kept on drawing that silly blue cat every day. I never thought when I first started this blog it'd become such a massive enterprise, with people following along for the ride, and even helping make this hourly whisversary possible.

thank you so much to @morsobaby @ivynnnn @marshmallow-icing-swirl @cheesepaw-whisker @vulturequills @insertcleverurl @disgruntleddemon and @magnuficentwo for your guest drawings

and a special thanks to @booksofstars for coming up with the idea and drawing a total of 8 guest whisses to make this all possible.

textless drawing under the cut

[itspileofgoodthings]

Well, I actually have the most mundane of questions, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in an English class that I feel like I’ve completely forgotten (and I’m curious how you do it): how do you go about reading a book as a class? Do you assign them the chapters to read at home and most of them actually do it? Or do you give them class time to read? Do you have the kids who try to spoil the rest of the book for the class? Basically, how does one teach a book in the year 2024?  😀

And do you have your students annotate inside their books? (I know the English teachers in my school require the students to do that, and I get why, but I inwardly shudder every time I see a student marking up a page.) 

Haha I love this question because I too am always asking myself how DOES one each a book in 2024?

It’s sort of a combination. I absolutely assign reading every night (almost) unless it’s Shakespeare or any play in which case we read it all in class. But for a novel there’s a couple chapters a night. I read aloud to them a lot too. Sometjmes I make them read aloud to the whole class, rotating kids who read. Sometimes I assign a chapter to be read in class silently with questions or quotes due at the end of the reading. Sometimes I put them in groups and make them read aloud to each other. There’s no one way that works for sure and of course ultimately I have no control over how much they read and I’m not naive enough to think that most of the reading assigned for homework doesn’t get skipped most of the time buuuuuut.

My bottom line is that I believe it’s my job to get excited about the actual text itself (easier for me in some cases than others but overall pretty easy because it does fill me with excitement) and then commit to taking them on the journey of the story with me. And my goal—that I’m sure I often don’t reach—is to make that experience so much more fun if you have actually read. And the way that I teach is pretty text heavy which is why I always make sure I’ve read the chapters for the day and am not just relying on my memory because the way I do it is just sort of absorbing it all up like a vacuum-cleaner, schwooooop, and then either pulling stuff out of the reading to look at directly or directing them to do the same thing. So the big thing that I have going for me, if any, is buy-in. Is getting kids excited about actually reading the actual text. I also speak often and passionately about the evils of sparknotes etc. not because they help kids get better grades or whatever but because they present you with the husk and shell of a story, stripped of all that makes it interesting, and that by reading that alone they’re reading something so dry and dull and are not achieving what I always want them to achieve —which is, have an Experience with the Literature.

Again, it never works perfectly by any stretch and there are so many ways I want to explore in my quest to get better at it but overall I think, at my very best, I can create this wave of energy and excitement in the story itself which is the most organic and ultimately most helpful way to get them to want to read.

Also no haha. I don’t let them annotate! Though occasionally kids DO of course. But sometimes they bring in their own copies in order to do that. The spoilers absolutely happen and are annoying but I sort of get by it by moving on very quickly and/or talking about how it’s often not the ending but how you get there that makes it interesting. Because that’s just true!

[jichanxo]

sunday six :D

taking the initiative for a change.... so i'm going to boop @four-white-trees @passthroughtime @skysquid22 @overdevelopedglasses

chipping away at sensei fic this week! here's kitakata and yagami making out lol excuse my bluntness... don't feel obligated to read if you're not into that o7

Yagami reached for Kitakata’s arm, found his hand, and guided it to his hip. Yagami pulled away from the kiss.

“Touch me, would you?”

Kitakata’s breath was warm on his lips. “Where would you like it?”

“Figure it out yourself.” He said and kissed him again. Kitakata didn’t seem to complain. His fingers slipped under the hem of Yagami’s shirt, meeting skin. He touched along the base of his spine, and Yagami couldn’t suppress the slight shiver that went through him. He could only imagine how gratifying this was for Kitakata. Hell, just seeing Yagami checking him out probably made his whole week, now this. He’d never be able to stop him from flirting now.

Yagami leaned into Kitakata’s hold, into his mouth, against that eager tongue. He was about to make Kitakata’s whole damn year.

[deus-ex-mona]

series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

[compacflt]

tweet from a year ago :) <3

[ai-the-broccoli]

aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse

... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one

[grandtourz]

i have so many thoughts about gohan and goten its kind of unreal