#thanks emily for mentioning me i feel like my life has changed
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have you guys seen this i feel like im going crazy
#tina looks really scary im sorry#thanks emily for mentioning me i feel like my life has changed#talking heads#âïž
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đđ Cherry Picking.
Spencer Reid x Messy!BAU!reader



Summary: After your first night with Spencer, you wake up and see that he's left you two dollars and a thank-you note on your bedside table.
Words: 2,3k.
Warnings & Tags: fem!reader. lots of mentions and references to sex, but nothing completely explicit. the reader is quite dramatic and has little faith in men (literally me, sorry). SO MUCH chaos and lack of communication but happy ending. english isn't my first language (sorry for my mistakes, be kind please).
Note: This idea just came to me out of the blue, and I have to say that Sex and the City has had a bit of an influence. I love the chaos, the conversations between friends, and Spencer being the best man in the world (I'm picturing him kind of like in his season four version).
Saturday afternoon
âTwo dollars?!â
Penelope's and JJ's simultaneous exclamations and surprised faces when you finished speaking were pretty much to be expected. They noticed a change in your expression and took a moment to compose themselves, as did the rest of the people in the room, who glanced curiously at your table from time to time. It was certainly a fascinating sight, three women having an animated conversation about their lives over milkshakes as if they were drinks, especially considering that one of them was pregnant and her belly looked like it was about to explode.
You didn't blame anyone for reacting that way, especially not your friends. You were still pretty shocked by what happened, especially by how thoughtless the man you'd developed feelings for and worked closely with over the past few years was. It was a unsettling to find a tip on your nightstand after one of the most memorable nights you'd ever had. You still remembered the excitement you felt when you went to Spencer's apartment yesterday to watch a movie as part of your fourth or fifth date. He seemed nervous when you started kissing more intensely, and the couch wasn't the best setting. The sensation of your body on his bed and his lips on your skin was incredible.
It was a good memory, extremely good if you took away the embarrassment of waking up the next day in his empty bed with money waiting for you, as if you had performed a service.
âMaybe there was a misunderstanding and the money was left on the table by mistake.â Jennifer spoke again in a reassuring tone after turning the matter over. âSpencer can be a little clumsy sometimes.â
You pressed your lips together in a thin line as you listened to her attempt to provide an explanation for his actions. But given their friendship, this was to be expected.
âAnd he was in a hurry to catch his plane and go to his mother.â Garcia added with a forced smile, trying to lift your spirits. âIt all makes sense.â
Yes, it was understandable that he was leaving in a hurry because he had to catch a flight to spend his weekend off with his mother. That didn't worry you, but there was something else that was curious.
âHow do you explain the thank-you note?â You asked, taking out the paper and the two dollars you'd pulled out to show them as proof from your purse.
âIt was a thank you for hanging out with him, a sweet gesture.â JJ said, taking a sip of her milkshake and patting her belly.
It seemed more like a sour gesture to you, that you had been left with your dignity on the floor. As you left his apartment, you didn't know whether to cry or laugh because it sounded like a bad joke that the only man you thought was decent and for whom you allowed yourself to have feelings would do such a thing.
âMy love life is going downhill.â You said.
Just then, the restaurant door opens and Emily appears. After greeting her and apologizing for her late arrival, she asks about the cause of your apparent distress. As a profiler, she was astute enough to know something was wrong just by looking at you.
âWhat's wrong, honey?â She started talking as soon as she sat down next to you and took a quick look at the table. âThose milkshakes look good, I want one.â
âSpencer thinks I'm a prostitute.â You spoke up without thinking, which surprised Emily and caused her to briefly lose her grip on the menu.
There was a long, awkward silence.
Perhaps you were too direct in saying something that you had been trying to ignore for your own mental health.
âJust a heads-up, we've got a baby in the room. No need to say that word!â Penelope was the first to speak, gently covering JJ's belly with her hands. âHe can hear you.â
At that moment, Reid and his comments about pregnancy data at every stage came to mind. You felt a little uncomfortable because you knew it was a little unrealistic to focus on the positives at a time like this.
âOh, I'm so sorry, baby.â You looked regretfully at your friends and spoke to Jennifer's belly, giving it a gentle caress. âDon't listen.â
âI need context, please.â Emily said confusedly, trying to understand what was going on and why you had said what you had said.
You let out a deep breath, preparing yourself to recount the story once more.
âOkay, Spencer and I made...milkshakes. Very good milkshakes, really good if you know what I mean.â You tried to explain slowly, watching your words and your friends' expressions. âI woke up when he was leaving, he gave me a kiss on my forehead and said to keep sleeping, that he had to catch his flight.â
âThat's sweet, but weird to know.â Emily commented quizzically, looking at the menu intently again. âWhat's the part...you know?â
âOh, when he thought I was-â You stop yourself as you see how JJ looks at you. âA pie maker.â
You could tell from their expressions that they were about to laugh at your attempts to keep the conversation friendly.
âI woke up hours later to find two dollars on the nightstand with a thank-you note.â You finished the story. âTo him, I'm worth two fu...sugary dollars.â
Prentiss stared at you for several seconds, waiting for me to tell her it was a joke. Only when that didn't happen did she speak. âThat sounds weird and awful, but I don't think he would do something like that on purpose. Especially you, he really likes you.â
âHe likes me enough to give me two dollars.â
When you finished speaking, you experienced a moment of discomfort in your stomach as your own words took effect. You were surprised to find that on a deeper level, what had happened was causing you more pain than you had anticipated.
âThat doesn't sound like Reid at all. I've known him for years, and he's not that kind of man.â Penelope said with a frown, trying to reassure you. âI'm sure it's a mix-up.â
You were looking for the same thing and hoping it was just a misunderstanding, but your previous bad experiences made you think otherwise. You'd met enough men to know that they could always be worse. What was different now was that you really liked this particular man. You really longed for him to be different from everyone else.
However, things weren't always as you'd hoped. You'd invested a lot of hope in making your fairy tale come true, and it was starting to take its toll.
âHave you had a chance to speak with him?â JJ inquired.
âHe's with his mother, I won't bother him.â You replied with a strange simplicity that made your friends suspicious. âI'm fine, I've calmed down.â You added as you saw their worried faces.
âI love you, but sometimes you scare me.â Emily said, watching you drink from your smoothie as if it contained a painkiller. âIt's not okay to pretend that everything's fine.â
âIt's understandable to feel a bit discouraged about this. Things may seem challenging at the moment, but I believe things will improve when you discuss this with him.â Jennifer's hand gently touched yours, offering a comforting gesture.
âI'm sure everything will be fine. You have our support if you need it.â Penelope joined in with the motivational words and gave you a reassuring smile.
You took the last sip of your milkshake and leaned back in your seat for a moment before replying. âI'm fine, girls. I don't plan to lose my head over a man, I promised myself.â
They looked at you with some skepticism, but you didn't flinch. You were confident that if you were mentally prepared not to be defeated, or at least not to look defeated, you would be well prepared for the day of the meeting.
You weren't going to lose your mind over this.
Monday morning
You were definitely losing your mind, and no cup of tea or internet video that promised to do so had been able to relax you one bit. You had been cooped up in the office you shared with Penelope for several minutes, pacing in your chair while everyone in the conference room waited for information about a new case and your presence. The mere thought of having to face Reid again was making you feel pretty uneasy.
All weekend, you had been trying to reassure yourself that you were doing well, that you were not hurt or affected by what happened, that it was just one more disappointment to add to the long list you had written since you were a teenager, and that it was normal for someone with your luck. You were not a princess, you were not going to meet a prince, and you were old enough to know that.
But being in the same building as your prince turned toad was not as easy as you had hoped. You prayed that your presence would not be necessary and that the jet would soon take off to take them all away, especially him.
A few sudden knocks on the door startled you. You automatically thought it was your boss coming to scold you for being late, and your blood froze.
âI apologize for the delay, Hotch. I assure...â You spoke promptly as soon as the door opened and a male figure appeared.
But obviously, it wasn't him.
âOh, sorry, I'm not Hotch. But hey, how are you?â Spencer smiled at you and walked toward you, looking a little nervous.
âFine.â You replied dryly, getting up from your seat to grab your tablet and some folders to carry into the conference room.
In your mind, you had planned to make a scene as soon as you saw him and make it clear that you didn't cost just two dollars. But after thinking about it a lot, the fear of losing your job over it was greater. And now it was a mixture of that reasoning with your feeling of paralysis at actually having him in front of you.
âI...I missed you over the weekend.â He stopped you before you could walk away, gently holding your hand. The feeling alone made you stop and look at him angrily. âI thought about you a lot, too much, and I bought you something.â He let go of your hand to pull a small box out of his pocket.
âHow dare you?â You blurt out, taking a step back.
He looked a little uncomfortable and seemed to be in pain. âI'm sorry if I overstepped. I didn't mean to impose. Did I cross a line? I'm sorry, I just thoughtââ
âWhat? That you could embarrass me even more? Didn't I already go through enough?â
That's when you took out two dollars from your purse and gave it to him.
âCould I ask why this is?â Spencer was still frowning and looked just as hurt as you.
His apparent lack of understanding of the situation made you much angrier. You had thought he was probably the smartest man you had ever met in your entire life, but suddenly, in your eyes, he was an idiot.
âI'm refunding your payment, Reid.â You replied firmly, without hiding your frustration.
The confusion on his face seemed to multiply as he tried to understand. âWhat are you talking about? I gave you your money back.â
You tilted your head slightly to one side.
âSaturday morning, I left on the nightstand the two dollars you lent me a week ago when we bought coffee. You know I don't like being in debt.â Spencer began to explain calmly, taking a moment to gather his thoughts and present the facts in a clear and concise manner.
Oh, you do remember lending him money at some point, or rather, inviting him for coffee that he said he'd pay you back. That day when his hair was perfect in the wind, when he smiled at you and told you some interesting facts about coffee beans.
âI mentioned it when I said goodbye, but you looked so tired that I left you a thank you note in case you forgot.â He went on to explain. âA lot of studies say that you wake up to full strength at least 20 to 30 minutes after you actually open your eyes. And you still had them closed when I said goodbye.â
âOh.â
âOh?â
âI...I thought youââ You fell silent as you saw the stunned look on his face. You didn't want to look crazy, so you quickly added. âI just thought wrong.â
âI'm sorry, I don't understand.â He said, a little embarrassed. âDid I do something wrong?â
âOh, no, I just...did you bring me a gift?â You changed the subject, taking the box he had previously offered you. Inside was a necklace with a cherry blossom charm.
âYour computer wallpaper is a picture of cherry blossoms. And I saw this necklace in a store when I was walking with my mom, and I thought you might like it. But it's okay if you don't want itââ He spoke fast until you interrupted him.
âI love it, thank you.â You smiled at him and took the necklace out of the box. âCould you help me with this?â
With some trepidation and uncertainty still present, Spencer positioned himself behind you with the jewel in his hands, carefully brushed your hair aside and fastened the necklace around your neck. The sensation of his fingers brushing against your skin made you feel a slight shiver.
âThanks.â You said as you turned around to face him. You gave him a hug, though you were a little unsure.
He returned your embrace, feeling a sense of relief that things between you were okay. âYou don't have to thank me.â
âIt's not about the gift. It's just a way to say thanks for being you.â
Perhaps he was your prince after all.
#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds x reader#spencer reid#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid imagine#matthew gray gubler
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A study of wolves
Paul Lahote x Reader
Part two (part one here)
âItâs lovely to meet you all, and thank you for being so welcoming.â
Paulâs mind was racing a hundred miles a minute. Here you were, the supposed perfect woman for him. And he never had wanted this. He had deemed imprinting as an anchor. Another knock to his freedom. Yet even the idea of walking away seemed to make him physically sick.
Paul caught Samâs questioning gaze and gave a quick shake of his head. He may not be able to walk away but her certainly wasnât ready to bare his soul to this virtual stranger, however her smile made him feel.
âSo [y/n], whatâs first for the study,â Emily questioned, breaking the silence that had fallen over the group.
âThe wolf population in the area isnât well documented, so first thing will be exploring the area and trying to find signs of their territory. From there I can set up motion activated cameras to try to work population and observe behaviours,â
âOh, we werenât aware of cameras, how exactly do the work?â Sam almost sounded a little nervous.
âIâll set them up facing areas that look like frequented wolf paths. Theyâll then capture photos and videos whenever they detect significant motion, including during the evening. Obviously theyâll be a lot of other animals or even false shots due to the wind but hopefully weâll see some gray wolves.â
âWill you let us know where theyâll be set up so we donât disturb them?â
âDonât stress too much, theyâll likely be far away from the village so I doubt youâll come into contact with them. But I can definitely let you know the coordinates, and Iâm sure one of you guys will be with me when I set them up otherwise Iâll never find my way back.â
âCoordinates would be great. You mentioned starting heading out of Monday, is that still the case?â Emily questioned.
âAbsolutely. Sam agreed to be my guide for the day so all going well no rescue team will be needed,â
âActually [y/n] I completely forgot that I have other work to do Monday, but Paul here has agreed to be your guide. Isnât that right Paul?â
You looked up to the man beside you and caught him shaking his head at Sam. Noticing you caught him it was quickly changed to a nod paired with a guilty smile.
â©âË.ââŸââșâ⧠â©âË.ââŸââșââ§
Monday came around quickly. Your first two days were spent unpacking your relatively few belongings and exploring the small reservation town. Youâd need to head into the nearby town of Forks soon to stock on groceries as the shop on the reservation only held the basics. But for the mean time sandwiches and toast would at least keep you going.
This morning you were woken by your alarm just before sunrise. The air was fresh and getting out of bed was a mental battle, but you couldnât help feel excited. Today was officially the first day of your adult life. What you had been working on throughout college, even throughout school.
Your backpack was packed full with equipment and layers of clothes. Enough fore mentioned sandwiches for both yourself and Paul were also stuffed in. Maps were also tucked in just in case your phone, and the two battery packs you were also bringing, didnât hold out. Turns out you had an inner Girl Scout after all.
Your phone ticked over to 7:30am just as there was a rap on the cabin door. Opening it revealed Paul. The man was impressively pulling off the cargo pants and green polo combo; the official but sparingly used uniform of the Quilliete Tribe. Blinking back into focus, the smirk on Paulâs face was a clear indicator that you had been caught.
âMorning,â he laughed. âHereâ he thrusted a coffee into your hand. You almost hugged him in appreciation, before remembering the man is practically a stranger. The cabin had been only equipped with the basics, no kettle or coffee machine in sight, another necessity to find in Forks or even further afield.
âMy hero! Where did you even get this?â You sighed appreciatively.
âSueâs cafe. One and only on the Res. Itâs hidden behind the school and not on maps so Iâm not surprised you havenât found it yet,â
âDamn, canât believe I missed it on my walk yesterday, went right passed the school and everything. I thought I was a blood hound when it comes to coffee, how disappointingâ
âCalm down Lassie, im sure you were just having an off day. Ready to get this show on the road?â
â©âË.ââŸââșâ⧠â©âË.ââŸââșââ§
Paulâs truck was a comfortable ride as you headed out of town. You debated taking your car but after itâs cross country marathon youâd declared that it needed a little rest. That and youâd wanted to get used to the gravel roads before you chauffeured around attractive men on them. Plus then you wouldnât a) get the pleasure of teasing Paul on his lack of manners when you paid for petrol on your work card later and b) see how his muscles flex every time he shifted gear. If the wolves fell through youâd happily spend six months studying the path of his tendons across his biceps.
Your first site wasnât too far from La Push. An area of cliffs along the ocean was the last known sighting of a gray wolf in the area so it seemed like a good place to start your survey. You didnât expect to cover too much ground, especially as you got the hang of it. Instead you wanted to be meticulous, examine the ground for wolf tracks, excrement and remains of prey.
You were going over the mental list of what to be on the look out for when the car pulled to a halt.
âAlright boss lady weâre here. You ready for this?â
âAbsolutely.â
â©âË.ââŸââșâ⧠â©âË.ââŸââșââ§
Next chapter
Am I getting a little caught up in the idea of doing an ecological study like thisâŠabsolutely. So I had no real intention going in about making a long multi chapter story but that feels like where this is head. Is that something people are interested in, or do you prefer short and sweet??
#twilight x reader#twilight fanfiction#twilight imagine#paul imagine#paul lahote x reader#paul x reader#paul lahote imagine#paul lahote
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nothing happened in the way i wanted part 1
author's note: okay so let it be known that my FAV emily henry book is happy place (if you want a deep dive into my personality, if you want to know the inner workings of my mind, read the book) SO with that being said, this fic was inspired by that masterpiece. plus i've fallen down a matt rabbit hole as of late. just a warning, this is a LONG ass fic (74 pages and 30.3k words, not a brag, i kinda regret that it's this long bc my brain hurts) so pace yourselves okay? thank you for being the kindest people ever!! this is finished, but tumblr said what i wrote is too long. so i'm posting it in parts lolol.
summary: a year has passed and you are no closer to understanding why matt ended things and you have every plan of avoiding that thought until he comes back in town for the offseason, then suddenly he's everywhere.
pairing: matthew tkachuk x reader
warnings: ANGST, friends to lovers to exes to lovers, mention of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, drinking, depression, panic attacks, let me know if i missed something!
after
despite being back in st. louis for six months, summer still felt like it came too fast. your thighs started sticking to the seats from sweat about three weeks ago. summer used to be your favorite season because it meant you had unlimited access to the love of your life, you werenât sharing him with his teammates or his crazy schedule.
but he wasnât yours anymore. matthew hadnât been yours in six months and some change.
the second you entered your parentsâ home, you tossed your keys into the bowl and slid your shoes off. itâd been six months since you moved home, and it still didnât feel like a space where you belonged. you walked into the living room without so much as a hello from either of your parents, both of whom were posted up on the couch. they werenât talking to each other, just letting the noise from the news fill the room instead of conversation.
âhey,â you greeted, plopping down in the recliner.
âhow was work?â your mom asked.
you shrugged, not quite having the words to convey how mundane it had been. you were working on restoring a piece for this rich couple who lived in the same neighborhood as the tkachuks. it wasnât in too bad of shape, given the fact that you were the one entrusted to work on it. if it was actually something incredibly complicated, your boss wouldâve found someone else more experienced to do it.
when you entered art restoration and conservation, you thought it would be mindless. art had always been an escape for you, a chance to remove yourself from your racing thoughts. you thought that by entering the art conservation field, you could add onto something, enhance the beauty that was lost over the years of damage, instead of creating something from your own experiences.
but no one told you how hard it would be after your breakup, that you would have to learn how to pour bottles of chemical solvent into a glass when your eyes were blurring with tears. no one said anything about how you would spend hours hunched over, fixing the problems in paintings that only served to remind you that while you could mend a masterpiece, you were unable to stop and patch up the problems in your relationship. no one spoke about how you would inevitably relate to the paintings that came to you in shambles, the only difference being that clients would pay thousands of dollars for their paintings to be restored to their former glory, your ex let you fall apart alone in a city where you had no friends outside of the ones youâd made through him.
but how could you communicate that to your mother? to your father? both of whom stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of optics? how could you tell them that itâs been months and you were still no more over your ex than the day it ended? how could they understand you? they stayed together out of convenience, out of a fear of ending their marriage only to never find someone else.
it had been six months since your relationship ended, and you were no closer to understanding why.
âjust a mundane day,â was all you said instead. ânothing to write home about.â
both of your parents hummed.
âdid you have dinner already?â you asked.
âwas gonna order pizza,â your dad said.
your mother scoffed and rolled her eyes. âno alan, we had plans to see chantal and keith tonight for dinner.â
you wanted to throw up.
you werenât sure what you were expecting, maybe some loyalty from your parents? though, they werenât fully privy to all the information about the demise of your relationship with matt, so maybe you couldnât expect them to stop hanging out with his parents, especially when said parents were such great people.
âoh,â was all you could say.
âyouâre more than welcome to order takeout and watch a movie,â your mom commented, like you needed permission to make yourself at home when you were actively living there. âiâm sure ronald would appreciate your company.â
you glanced at the tabby cat who was perched on his cat tree. personally, you had no issue with ronald, but he liked your mom and your mom only. though on occasion, he would allow your dad to pet him.Â
âiâll figure something out,â you said.
your mom hummed before she stood up to go get ready while your father stayed on the couch. it was only another ten minutes before he got up to change quickly, and another five before they left the house without so much as a goodbye.
before
you were incredibly aware that you didnât quite fit in. your mom drove you to school in a beat up 1997 toyota camry which looked incredibly out of place among the bmws and audis. your mom offered to walk you in, but she was wearing her scrubs from her night shift and her face looked tired, so you declined the offer and got out of the car yourself.
it shouldnât have been as daunting as it was, but your old school wasnât as prestigious as this one. your previous schools in cedar rapids had been public schools. no one was wearing a uniform, and most of the backpacks worn came from the same walmart in your old neighborhood.Â
but your parents had decided they wanted a better education for you, even if neither of them had the money to fork out thousands of dollars for a private school. your momâs parents, however, were loaded. they were more than willing to fork out a small fortune for your schooling under the conditions of your family uprooting your lives to missouri. you were too young to realize what a sacrifice that was, you didnât notice the snide comments your grandparents made about your fatherâs choice of career or your motherâs choice in husband.
you didnât see your grandparents any more than you usually did since youâd moved to missouri two weeks ago. theyâd been out of town on a trip to rome up until three days ago and hadnât reached out to have dinner or hang out at all.
not that you cared at the age of nine, you were more focused on unpacking your room. but now that you were standing in front of the giant school alone, you felt like you shouldâve been more concerned with how nice your school supplies were.
a kind woman greeted you at the entrance of the school. she smiled and introduced herself, though you couldnât hear her over the roaring in your ears. she stood next to a blond haired blue eyed boy who was your height.
âare your parents here?â you werenât sure how you heard her over the noise in your head.
you shook your head. âmy mom had to go home and my dad is at work.â
the woman blinked. âis today your first day?â
âmom, itâs everyoneâs first day of school,â the boy groaned.
âi wasnât talking to you, matthew,â she said, though her eyes never left your own.
âi just moved here,â was all you said, albeit a bit quietly.Â
âwell, you can walk in with us.â She placed a warm hand on your back and ushered you inside next to her son.
you took notice of her nicer clothing compared to your momâs scrubs or your dadâs tattered khakis, though the womanâs clothing wasnât as ostentatious as other parentsâ.
âdo you know your teacherâs name?â the woman asked.
you nodded and showed her the crumpled paper in your hand. the night before, you were wracked with nerves and wrote your teacherâs on a blank sheet of paper and doodled around it. even at nine years old, you were concerned that youâd somehow forget. you couldnât be more grateful for it now.
the womanâs face lit up. âoh how lucky! matthew look! youâre in the same class.â
matthew for his part, tried to look happy about it, but his eyes kept wandering to the hallways, like he was looking for people he knew. you felt bad for even being in this situation. you missed your friends from iowa and the light up shoes you used to wear before you were given a uniform.
matthewâs mom pointed out the classroom that was supposed to be yours and walked both you and matthew into the room. unlike her son, who immediately found his friends to do elaborate handshakes with, you stayed by her side. she was a stranger, sure, but she was more comforting that the classroom of fifteen other nine and ten year olds.
the woman sighed and bent down a little to look you in the eyes. âitâs gonna be a good day, sweetheart,â she said. âmr. terry is a great teacher, heâs really kind.â you werenât sure how she would know that, but you werenât going to call her a liar. âand if you need anything, ask matthew. heâs been going here since kindergarten, okay?â
you nodded.
mr. terry walked over and introduced himself. he had dark skin and a bright smile, showing you to your seat. your name was on a card with fun stickers on it. next to your seat, you saw matthewâs name. now it wasnât necessarily an unpopular name, there were three matthews in your third grade class, so you werenât holding out hope that it was going to be the matthew you walked into class with. but two minutes later, he was plopping down into the seat to your left.
matthew looked almost startled to see you sitting next to him, but when the shock wore off he gave you a crooked smile and stuck his hand out. âiâm matt,â he said, like you two didnât walk into class together.
you shook his hand anyway and gave him a shy smile and told him your name, just in case he didnât see it written on your desk.
if it was even possible, his smile widened. âpretty name,â he said.
after
youâd watched a movie and half of another one by the time your parents walked through the front door. ronald jumped off the couch to greet your mother while he ignored your father.
âoh,â your dad said. âyouâre still up.â
âiâm about to go to bed,â you replied, though you didnât move from the couch.
âdinner was great,â your mom commented. âchantal and keith said to tell you hello.â
your gut twisted at the mention of their names. you loved his family, you really did, but the mention of the family that was almost yours stung when you looked at how your parents acted like roommates on the best of days.
you remembered summer days spent in the tkachuksâ backyard, watching as matt and brady chased each other while taryn tried her best to keep up. you remembered your dad picking you up from their house, and how you begged the entire ride home for a little brother or sister. he looked at your through the rearview mirror and said âwe already achieved perfection, why mess that up?â
but you were grown now. you saw how their marriage barely survived raising you, and they were probably being smart by not risking your upbringing just to have another child.
you bid your parents goodnight and headed up the stairs to your childhood bedroom. it looked less like the office it was converted into when you moved out originally. you didnât fault your parents for taking advantage of your absence, you, like many people your age, had zero intentions of ever moving back in until an unfortunate set of circumstances happened to you.
and thatâs what life had felt like lately:
unfortunate.
unfortunate shit just happening to you.
it wasn't late by any means, but you were surprised when your phone vibrated with a text message. maybe it was the fact that you hadnât really befriended anyone since moving back that had you flinching at the shock of someone other than your parents (or grandparents) texting you.
you unlocked your phone and opened the message, sighing when you read its contents.
emma:
hey girl! just checking in to see if youâre still good for this weekend? no worries if you canât make it!
you dropped the phone on your stomach and groaned into your hands as soon as they made contact with your face.
years of dating matthew meant youâd grown closer to brady and taryn and by proxy, bradyâs fiancĂ©e, emma. youâd already committed to being a bridesmaid and bought the dress before your relationship with matt ended. when emma found out, she called immediately and gave you an out, said she wouldnât take it personal, that she understood if it would be too hard.
but you remembered the countless conversations had about planning your weddings while the both of you watched the loves of your lives try not to kill each other from your spots on the back porch. and you could hear it in her voice, how much it meant to her that you would be there even if she didnât want to push it on you. it didnât matter that only one of you was getting the wedding you planned. the bets made on whoâd get married first were obsolete now.
you wanted to text her back and say you were busy, but you hadnât seen her much since her and brady came back in town. when the senatorsâ season ended in april, he and emma spent some time with her family and attended the playoff games for the panthers. now that the panthersâ season ended two weeks ago, all of the tkachuks were back in town which used to excite you.
now it just filled you with dread.
no, itâs not like you lived in the same tax bracket as mattâs family. you didnât go to the same grocery stores unless you were tagging along. no, there was a comfortable distance between your neighborhoods and st. louis was filled with two million other people that the odds of running into him were slim.
but your anxiety preferred zero odds rather than a slight chance, and it made the logic that was once screaming at you sound like a small whisper.
you sucked it up anyway, though. seeing emma and the other bridesmaids was better than staying in your room and staring at the ceiling.
you:
iâll be there! canât wait!!!
and maybe you used too many exclamation points. maybe you were trying too hard to prove something no one would believe if they took longer than a split second glance at your face. you were a horrible liar, that hadnât changed. you were just hoping by the time the weekend came around, youâd be too busy to focus on any of the pain.
before
the summer after keith retired, the tkachuks took you and your family on vacation with them to turks and caicos. your parents were stressed initially about the trip, but you were filled with nothing but excitement at leaving the landlocked state you called home.
missouri had slowly wormed its way into your heart. when your family moved, there was never a thought in your mind that you would ever come to love it like you did with cedar rapids. there was no way youâd ever consider this place your home. but then you met the tkachuks.
itâd been nearly three years since youâd first sat in that seat next to your best friend in mr. terryâs fourth grade class. now, you were splashing around in the waves with matt and brady while your parents looked from the shore.
school had been different the past two years, with matthew going to an all boys school after fifth grade while you stayed. it took some adjusting to being without him the entire school day. you didnât want to think of yourself as codependent, or clingy, but mat was your best friend. it was an adjustment, having to make new friends in the same school.
now that wasnât to say that you never saw matt. after your initial introductions, chantal offered to take you to and from school if your mom or dad dropped you off at their house in the morning. both of your parents jumped at the idea. your mother, who worked as a night shift ICU nurse, reveled in being able to go home and go straight to sleep. your father, whose job as an electrician required him to be on job sites early in the morning, didnât mind it either, he had to be up early anyway.
and sure, you had to wake up earlier than you used to, but you got to eat breakfast and pretend like you were a tkachuk most days of the week (with the exception of the days your mom was off). keith would ruffle your hair as he passed you in the kitchen. taryn would race matthew for the seat next to yours.
the tkachuks felt more like your family than your own some days.
especially now when your parents went on a date that keith and chantal paid for while they stayed back at the beach house with you and their children.Â
all six of you were seated around the coffee table with the game of life laid out in front of you. the evening started out with a game of uno, but that game got out of hand quickly. it took brady reversing the order and hitting matt with a draw four before your best friend lunged over the table to tackle his brother. while keith broke up the boys, chantal cleaned up uno and instructed you and taryn to pick out the least competitive game you could find.
which is how you ended up playing the game of life.
even though life had to be the least competitive game you knew, matt and brady still managed to argue over it, even going as far to rant about how unfair it was that they had to pay for home insurance. keith and chantal had just chuckled and told them to enjoy childhood while it lasted.
you found yourself smiling and laughing along.
you werenât quite sure who won, or how anyone ever really wins the game of life, but the moment mattered more. taryn went upstairs with keith to get ready for bed while brady helped his mom in the kitchen pop a bag of popcorn. you and matthew were responsible for cleaning up the game.
âare you having fun?â he asked.
your smile was so wide, it hurt your cheeks. âiâm having the best time. this is by far the best vacation iâve been on.â
âreally?â he smiled.
you nodded emphatically. âmost of my family vacations have been spent with my grandparents.â
matt grimaced, already aware of the testy relationship your mom had with her own parents. âwhenâs the last time you saw them?â
you had to think for a moment, while your grandparents technically lived in st. louis, they were often out of town or ignoring your familyâs existence altogether. with the exception of the last saturday of every month, when you and your parents were practically obligated to eat dinner with them. you didnât notice their judgmental comments when you were younger and mesmerized by the giant dollhouse they bought for you.
but you were older now. you knew that there were terms and conditions attached to the cellphone they bought for you on your twelfth birthday. you heard the disdain in their voices when they talked down to your father and mother for their life choices. you werenât an idiot, you understood that every compliment they gave you was a way for them to make your parents feel inferior in comparison.
you werenât a child to them, you were a pawn in a game you never asked to play.
âwe saw them about a month ago?â you shrugged. âtheyâre on vacation until halfway through august.â
matt hummed. âi think weâre gonna visit momâs parents before school starts back again.â
to your credit, you did your best to look happy for him, even if it meant that you wouldnât see him for a week and a half. you had other friends in town! in fact, you befriended a girl named simone when you started middle school. maybe you could call her when you get back to st. louis?
evidently, your little act wasnât convincing enough. matt nudged your shoulder with his. âyouâll be fine,â he said. âyouâre probably annoyed from how much time weâve spent together this summer. you need a break.â
you couldnât help but smile. âi could never get tired of you, matty.â
he blinked, almost at a loss for words, it felt like. but you shouldâve known better, because he was holding up his pinky a beat later. âyou promise?â
you locked your fingers together. âpromise.â
after
itâs just emma and her friends and taryn, you thought. you already know all of these people. thereâs no reason to be stressed out.
which, to be fair, your inner monologue was right. you had absolutely no reason to be standing in front of your closet debating what to wear for as long as you had.Â
before you could stop yourself, you were hitting emmaâs contact and putting your phone on speaker. the dial tone rang out through the room while you waited for her to pick up. you were seconds away from ending the call when her phone sounded through the receiver.
âhey! whatâs up?â
you exhaled. âi donât know what to wear tonight.â
emma said your name through a laugh. âweâre not going anywhere fancy, i swear. itâs just dinner and then weâre going to a bar.â
you frowned. âso tarynâs not joining us after dinner?â
âno, she has other plans after dinner anyway. she said she was meeting up with some friends from high school.â as if she could see the hesitance on your face, emma spoke up again. âbut you know all the other girls, itâs not like youâll be hanging out with strangers.â
and she was right, you were in a groupchat with the other bridesmaids and found all of them to be quite pleasant.
âlook, if youâre still stressed about what to wear, just wear jeans.â
âokay, but how nice is this restaurant?â you were rummaging through your closet. âbecause iâve worn jeans to restaurants that werenât supposed to be fancy and i found myself criminally underdressed.â
âyeah well, iâm better at communicating than matt is.â a gasp sounded through the receiver, like emma had just realized what she said. âoh my god, iâm so sorryââ
âitâs fine, youâre not wrong,â you said, forcing out a laugh even as your heart painfully squeezed in your chest.
âi really didnât mean to,â she sighed. âiâm sorry, that was rude of me to bring up.â
you shook your head even though she couldnât see you. âitâs fine, emma, i swear,â you said even though there were tears pricking in your eyes. âiâll have to face the music eventually.â
âstill, it was insensitive of me to say that.â
you cleared your throat. âdonât worry about it, iâm a big girl.â you pulled the phone away from your face so you could sniffle for a second without drawing any unnecessary attention. âso jean shorts tonight?â you asked.
there was a brief silence before you heard emmaâs soft sigh over the phone. âthat sounds perfect.â
before
matthew kissed you for the first time when you were hanging out with mutual friends after school in eighth grade. youâd been dreaming about that moment for years ever since sixth grade when you realized matt was handsome and the flutters in your stomach werenât just from nerves anymore.
both of you were at your friend morganâs house sitting in her basement. she happened to live in the same neighborhood as matt. so after school, you rode home with the tkachuks like you always did and then walked to her house.
morgan was the first of your friends to get a boyfriend and she wasnât shy about telling everyone. it was easy to be jealous of her. while you hadnât known her as long, your other friends had made it clear sheâd garnered male attention since preschool. so there was no surprise that sheâd announced at school earlier that week that she was dating someone from mattâs school.
hence the party in the basement.
morgan was the one who suggested truth or dare. she had all ten of you circle up on the carpet and sit criss crossed. you were keenly aware of how mattâs knee was touching your own, you could feel the heat even through your jeans. he was leaning back on his hands, with his right hand directly behind your back,in your delusions, you let yourself pretend he was doing it to be closer to you.
âalright!â morgan cheered. âwho wants to start?â
no one said a word.
you made the mistake of looking around when you caught morganâs eye. at the sight of a growing smirk on her lips, you quickly diverted your gaze.
âc'mon, no one wants to go first?â she hummed. âfine, iâll go. babe,â she started calling thomas babe a week ago. âask me, truth or dare?â
the only word you could use to describe the look on thomasâ face was besotted. without hesitating, he asked her the question, smiling when she grinned back at him. morgan chose dare, because she wasnât âboring and lame.â
thomas dared her to kiss him. there was a collective groan when she leaned over and kissed her boyfriend. the second she pulled back, morganâs eyes flitted over the rest of the group, looking like a tiger about to pounce. the two of you made eye contact and the corner of her lips raised in a smirk that was gone as quick as it came.
you prepared yourself for the worst, recalling how you let it slip that you have a crush on matt. and morgan, while she wasnât intentionally cruel, had all but shrieked when you told her. so you didnât think sheâd out you to be mean, you wouldnât put it past her to attempt matchmaking.
but her eyes skipped right over you and focused on simone. âtruth or dare?â
âtruth,â simone replied.
morgan rolled her eyes. ânerd,â but she cracked a smile anyway.
the game went on pretty effortlessly, you even got brave enough to do a dare (thankfully morgan never got the opportunity to ask you). it ended with morgan asking matthew. the smirk she had earlier, appeared as she made eye contact with you before setting her sights on your best friend.
âtruth or dare?â she asked.
you immediately knew which option he was picking, matt never backed down from a challenge and had been choosing dare all night.
âmatthew, i dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.â
your stomach dropped as did your gaze. you couldnât look anyone in the eye, you didnât want to see matt kiss another girl, you couldnât. you wouldnât do it.
a moment passed when you realized matt hadnât moved an inch. he was still leaning on his hands, with one stretched behind you. all it took was a quick glance at matt to see him already staring back at you.
âno,â he said, eyes still locked on your face.
morgan blinked. âwhat?â
it was only then that his eyes left your face to look morgan dead in the eye. ânope. i wonât do it.â
she guffawed. âbut you have to!â
matt shrugged. âi donât want to.â
âbut you lose if you donât!â
he shrugged yet again. âoh well.â
your head snapped up to look at him in confusion. âmatt,â you nudged him.
âwe gotta go anyway,â he said, before he stood up and reached out to you. you took his hand, albeit hesitantly before he dragged you up the stairs and out of the house onto the street.
a cool breeze was blowing which inadvertently caused you to shiver. matt, who still hadnât let go of your hand, tugged you further into his side. your heart sank when he dropped your hand, only for it to skyrocket when he threw his arm around you.
âwhy didnât you do the dare?â you asked. the curiosity was killing you, even if you believed the real answer would be even worse than not knowing.
matt shrugged like he had been all night. âi didnât feel like it.â
you blinked at him, staring at his profile while he guided the two of you back to his house. âyouâre literally the most competitive person i know. youâve never intentionally lost a game. last week brady dared you to drink that gallon of milk and run a mile, which, if i must remind you, you threw up not even halfway through.â
matt laughed. âthat was funny. but whatâs your point?â
âmy point is that kissing someone is way less work than running a mile and throwing up. so whatâs up?â
he wouldnât look at you, his gaze fell to the ground where he kicked a rock. âdidnât want it to happen like that.â
you blinked at him, refusing to move your gaze from his profile. âdidnât want what to happen like that? itâs just a kiss.â
he shook his head and stopped walking, grabbing your wrist when you kept moving. matt tugged your arm so youâd turn around and look at him. âit wouldnât be just a kiss,â he said.
âwould it mean more?â you asked, but he didnât say anything. âmatt?â your heart was beating against your chest. your hands shook at the idea of him wanting to kiss someone. you went through the list of people in that room. it wasnât morgan, heâd told you weeks ago that he didnât like her like that when you asked. could it be simone? she looked like a goddess on a bad day. her dark skin was flawless and free of blemishes and her faux locs were always perfectly styled. she didnât even wear makeup on a regular basis.
oh god. did he like simone?
your gut twisted at the idea, of him falling in love with the closest friend you had at school. you could learn to be happy for them, simone was great and matt would adore her if she agreed to go out with him.
you snapped back into it when you felt mattâs thumb rub across your pulse. âmatt, would it mean more?â
he shrugged again, still not looking at you, just the part where your hands were joined. âwould it be a problem if it did?â
now it was your turn to be confused. âwhy would my opinion matter? iâm not the one youâd be kissing.â
matt blinked at you once, then twice. âyou canât be serious,â he said.
âwhat do you mean?â
âyou canât be that blind. thereâs no way.â
âmatt, what are you talking about?â
he dropped your hand to run both of his over his face and groaned. âthere's no way you donât know.â
âknow what?â
matt fixed you with an intense look, one that had you squirming in your shoes a little. in all your years of friendship, you werenât sure he'd ever stared at you that way before. a hockey game? sure, but you?
âmatt whatââ
âi like you,â he said as plain as day, like he didnât just flip your world on its axis.
you blinked, you were pretty sure you stopped breathing. âwhat?â you whispered.
matt stepped closer to you, close enough that your shoes were touching. âi like you.â
âso why didnât you kiss me when morgan dared you to?â
âi didnât want it to happen like that,â he admitted. âdidnât wanna kiss you in front of everybody.â
you could feel the heat travel up your neck and to your cheeks. âand what about now? would you kiss me now?â
âwould you let me?â
words failed you, you could only nod. matt hesitated for a moment before pressing his lips to yours. it was clumsy and awkward, and in the middle of the sidewalk two blocks away from his house.
but it was perfect.
after
you ubered to the restaurant before emma could suggest meeting at the tkachuk house. every single one of the bridesmaids knew you and matt were no longer together, all of them banding around you and offering support from thousands of miles away. so you didnât think any of them would even hint at meeting at the tkachuk residence if they were as considerate as you believed them to be, but you wanted to avoid the sympathetic looks that would be thrown your way.
most of the bridesmaids were there by the time you arrived, the only exception being taryn. the entire table greeted you with bright white smiles, emma stood to give you a hug that you enthusiastically returned.
it felt great to be back in the company of people your age. despite being back in st. louis for quite some time, you still had yet to make any more friends outside of emma and taryn, both of whom you didnât see that often because of who they were relationally attached to.
unfortunately, youâd lost contact with many of your friends from high school because of the distance. if you could go back, youâd slap yourself in the face for thinking matt was going to stick around longer than simone or morgan.
but how were you to know he would leave and wouldnât want you to follow him?
you swallowed that question down and took a seat at the table. you sat next to a brunette named stacey, the other seat on your right was left for taryn, you assumed. there were already two bottles of wine sitting in a bucket of ice on the table. part of you considered pouring yourself a glass immediately, but you remembered the plans were dinner first, bar later. so you settled for water.
it was only a matter of maybe ten minutes before taryn was led to your table. you stood up with the rest of the girls and waited your turn to hug her. taryn saved you for last, smiling bright and wide when the two of you finally made eye contact. you squeezed each other tightly as you hugged, unspoken words being communicated.
ânow, before anyone looks at the menu, i just wanted to let you know, itâs on brady tonight.â emma held up her hand as mouths began to protest across the table. âhe insisted, and we wonât be taking no for an answer.â
and maybe you shouldâve protested a little harder to look more sincere, but your job wasnât paying you well enough to afford a 70 dollar steak and drinks.
the table breaks up into mini conversations while everyone was looking over the menu. you were doing the same when an elbow nudged you from the right. you glanced over at taryn who wasnât even trying to hide the fact that she wanted your attention, it was something youâd always admired about her.
âlong time, no see,â she said. but before you could respond, she spoke up again. âhow have you been?â
you shrugged and moved your eyes back to the menu to look busy. ânothing has been going on really, just working.â you cleared your throat and hesitantly made eye contact again. âand you? what have you been up to?â
taryn shifted in her seat, a tell you knew was coming. you werenât a stranger to where sheâd been the past few weeks, you still followed her on instagram, you followed all of the tkachuks on instagram, even matt. so you knew sheâd just gotten back after the panthers lost in game five of the finals.
you nudged her with your shoulder and gave her a small smile. âitâs okay, iâm not gonna burst into tears if you mention him.â
taryn smiled. âiâm exhausted, we were traveling everywhere for matt it felt like. it was cutting into my workouts.â
your jaw clenched at the mention of his name, mainly to distract you from feeling the ache in your chest, but you kept a pleasant look on your face anyway. âyou still have the rest of the summer for your workouts, though. summerâs barely started.â
taryn nodded but she didnât say anything for a moment. you started to shift in your seat when she reached a hand out and squeezed your own. âi miss you,â she said sincerely. âit hasnât been the same without you around.â
âtaryn...â
âyou know, youâre still in, like, most of our family photos hanging on the wall. mom and dad havenât taken them down.â
you werenât sure if that made you happy or brought you pain.
âi begged them not to, youâre in too many memories for us to just forget you.â she cleared her throat and looked back at her menu, giving you a break from the sincere staredown the two of you were having. âthey ask about you all the time, but they didnât want to impose, mom especially. said sheâd understand if you never wanted to see them again.â
you tried reading the menu through blurry eyes and pinched your lips together so no one would see them tremble. âiâve been meaning to get coffee with your mom,â you said, though you both knew it was a lie. youâd made yourself scarce for a reason.
âsheâd be happy to see you again, she just didnât want to overstep.â
you nodded, still not looking at the girl you fully believed would be your sister one day. âiâll text her.â
the waiter came by moments later to take your orders. thankfully, the tears had cleared up out of your eyes. as soon as youâd cleared your throat, you were telling the server your order without your voice shaking.
you bore the grief well, you thought. you laughed when everyone else did, smiled when appropriate, and asked follow up questions. socializing wasnât hard, years of galas and charity events as mattâs plus one had trained you well for moments like these, so long as you avoided the eyes of taryn and emma, both of whom knew you better than anyone else at the table.
emma paid with bradyâs card like sheâd promised earlier. unfortunately for you, thatâs when the anxiety started to come back. taryn was leaving after dinner, too young to go to the bars with the rest of you, and according to what emma had told you, she had plans with friends.
the group left together, with taryn waving goodbye as the rest of you headed to a bar three blocks away. your hands were shaking, so you shoved them in your pockets to hide the trembling.
itâd get better once you got a few drinks in you, you told yourself. youâd loosen up soon enough.
emma opened a tab with bradyâs card and you immediately started going in. the group started with a round of shots, but you were quickly ordering more than just tequila. it was only a matter of time before your vision started lagging and your brain began buffering to keep up with what was happening.
you were on the dance floor, grinding against a stranger, who thankfully, was keeping their hands to themselves, when emma tugged your arm, giggling. âeveryone else has left. and i think itâs time for us to go,â she slurred, a giant smile on her face.
you allowed yourself to be tugged away from the stranger. âhow do you know?â you asked, fumbling over your words like trying to catch a bar of soap with wet hands.
emma smiled and pointed at the bar where brady was, you assumed, closing out the tab. seeing him in the flesh had your heart stuttering. the anxiety was kicking back in, hitting harder than it did when you were sober. you hadnât seen brady since november, or was it december? the months had blurred together just like that one scene from new moon.
but now you were seeing him in the flesh, and he was getting closer as emma tugged you over to where he was. brady was just slipping his card back in his wallet when the two of you got to him. he looked up and smiled at his fianceĂ© before he even realized you were standing there. the lovesick smile dropped but it was quickly replaced with shock before it was transformed into a smile you couldâve painted from memory.
âhey!â he said just loud enough to be heard over the noise. âi didnât think you were coming tonight.â
if you were sober, youâd see that statement as a warning, preparation for what was to come. you wouldâve noticed the way his eyes kept darting to the entrance of the bar, but you didnât. you were just happy to see him for the first time in a while, feeling the semblance of home youâd been missing for months.
if you were sober, you wouldâve remembered that brady and his brother were a package deal. you wouldâve known that the nights brady wasnât spending with emma, he was spending with your ex, and when emma had inevitably texted (or brady offered) her fiancĂ© to pick her up, that he was more than likely already out with his brother celebrating his upcoming nuptials.
if you were sober, you wouldâve noticed him walk through the door because your eyes were always drawn to him. you wouldâve known it was him by the smell of his cologne, instead of waiting for him to slap his brother on the shoulder in greeting.
if you were sober, you wouldâve made a break for it the second he started approaching you, emma, and brady.
but you were drunk off your ass, and all you could do was stand there like a dumbfounded idiot while matthew brendan tkachuk glanced around the room.
brady shifted on his feet a little, bracing for the moment you both knew was coming. the moment where matt saw you for the first time since november 29, when he played calgary. youâd imagine to brady, it felt like watching a car accident happen in real time. to you though, you were the accident. you were the one getting hit by a bus going full speed. you were rooted to the spot, taking in every feature of mattâs face that youâd missed over the last six months, waiting for him to see you.
if you were sober, you wouldâve run away by now, knowing that being that close to him would do nothing for you.
but it was too late now.
matt finally glanced at emma, then brady, until his eyes landed on you. the smile on his lips from the song that was bumping through the speakers dropped almost immediately. he recoiled, took a small step back, almost as if he was shocked to see you there at all.
you felt like an idiot.
you werenât sure how long the two of you stared at each other before you took a deep breath and stared at your shoes.
your hands were shaking again.
you shoved them in your pockets again.
mattâs eyes darted to your shorts at the movement, his eyes scrunched together in what looked like concern, but you brushed that thought off before you could convince yourself he still cared. but you could feel his stare on you, even as you looked around and avoided eye contact. you felt like an ant, with mattâs gaze being the magnifying glass that was burning you with a beam of sunlight.
âdo you have a ride home?â brady asked. your head whipped back around to look at him and emma.
you shrugged, already feeling more sober than you were two minutes ago. âwas gonna uber.â
matt scoffed. ânot happening.â
out of nowhere anger bubbled out of your chest and out of your mouth. âexcuse me?â
matt fixed you with a hard stare, one you didnât shy away from. âyouâre not ubering home on a friday night drunk as hell. itâs not happening.â
âi think you lost the right to make my decisions six months ago.â you refused to say his name, refused to know what it felt like to have it back on your tongue even though your heart was crying out to utter those two syllables again.
brady interjected before the disagreement could escalate. âi just wanna make sure you get home safe,â he said. âcan i drive you home?â
you glanced at the man you used to know like a little brother. you saw the sincerity in his eyes, the concern.
and maybe it was the love for brady and emma that had you accepting. or maybe it was the alcohol. you nodded your head and let emma lock arms with you as you were led out by the tkachuk brothers.
you found yourself in the backseat where you used to hold hands with matt when you went on double dates with brady and emma. the two of you used to tease the younger couple when they did literally anything romantic. if brady so much as grabbed emmaâs hand, the two of you were gagging in the backseat âchoking on their pdaâ all while knowing brady and emma have caught you in more compromising positions before.
but it wasnât like that this time around.
you slid into your usual seat in the back before emma could offer up shotgun to you. maybe if you were more selfish, youâd accept, but you werenât going to let your friend sit away from her fiancĂ© when you could just suck it up.
the space between you and matt felt too suffocatingly small and yet it still felt like you were on two opposite sides of the globe. you thought about taking a risk and throwing yourself out of the moving vehicle, but there was still a wedding you were both in. you needed to figure out how to tolerate being around him if you didnât want to cause a scene later in the summer.
you just had to make it to the end of july, then you could go back and pretend like december 16th never happened, like the past nine years of your life never happened. like you never fell in love with your best friend, like you never met him and his mother in fourth grade, like your parents never moved you to st. louis. like there werenât traces of your failed relationship in every scrapbook in your parentsâ house, like he wasnât tied to every significant moment of your childhood.
you felt like the bundle of christmas lights that youâd sworn you put back in an orderly fashion the previous year, only to pull them out and realize you had an entire project on your hands to detangle them all.
except in the end, none of the lights worked anyway.
you could hardly remember a time where your life wasnât deeply intertwined with matthewâs. you thought itâd lead to something, to marriage, to raising kids together, to celebrating his retirement, buying a home close to his family, and growing fat and old together.
you hated the idea that you went down that road only for it to be a dead end.
brady pulled up outside your house. you were unbuckling your seat belt and throwing the door open before heâd even put the car in park. you were doing your best to get to the front porch before anything else happened, but as hard as you tried, you were still a little too drunk. you were stumbling up the driveway and to the front door, all the while trying to figure out which key was the key to your house.
a car door slammed in the distance before footsteps followed.
you knew the sound like you knew the sound of your motherâs sadness. you wouldâve recognized his footfalls anywhere.
in your haste and anxiety, you dropped your keys. you squatted down and nearly tipped over at the rush to your head. mattâs hand shot out before you could grab the keys while his other hand grabbed your elbow and pulled you into a standing position. he led you to the front door and with ease, found your house key. he unlocked the door but didnât move to open it. you could feel his stare on the side of your face, but you refused to look back.
his touch on your skin felt like it was burning, and part of you wanted to rip your arm out of his grasp, but you couldnât.
you justâ
couldn't.
matt said your name quietly, but you just shook your head, willing the tears to go away. he didnât get to see you cry, didnât get to know that his actions had absolutely wrecked you. he tried again, but you inhaled and jerked your arm out of his reach before you opened your front door, grabbed your keys, and shut it in his face.
you barely made it into your bathroom before you threw up.
before
you were bouncing on your toes at the airport. mattâs plane landed fifteen minutes ago, and you were anxiously waiting for him to round the corner.
mattâs first year with the ntdp made your relationship a little difficult, though, you thought it would be harder than it was. modern technology definitely made it easier on you. matt would call you just about every other night, and if he couldnât, matt was texting you whenever he had the freetime.
the last time you saw each other was when you and the tkachuks spent your spring break in ann arbor to visit, and that had been over a month ago. thankfully, youâd managed to convince your mom to let you check out of school early to wait for him.
âsomeoneâs excited,â taryn teased, bumping her shoulder into your side.Â
âhoney leave her alone,â chantal chided. âweâre all excited.â
âiâm not,â brady grumbled. not even a beat later, keith was slapping the back of his head.
moments later, matt walked around the corner with his bags in hand. you fought every urge to run to him, deciding he probably wanted to greet his family first. and he did, you watched as he hugged his mom and dad first, moving the taryn, before punching brady in the shoulder.
you were nervously playing with the hem of your school issued plaid skirt as you looked on, suddenly feeling out of place. but it didnât linger because in a blink of an eye, mattâs arms were wrapping around your waist and tugging you into his chest.
a sigh escaped your lips, one you didnât even know was held hostage in your chest. maybe you were being dramatic (you were almost 16, after all), but it felt like the part of you that was missing was just returned.
âmissed you,â he mumbled into your neck.
you couldnât help the smile that graced your lips.
matt didnât let go of you, even when everyone started walking towards the car where keith parked. your hand was tightly grasped in his own, forcing brady to carry the other bag matt couldnât. to make up for it, you offered to sit in the back of keithâs escalade so brady could have more leg room. matt ended up grumbling about it, but it was clear he wasnât going to let you sit in the back next to taryn when he hadnât seen you in weeks.
âi ruined my perfect attendance streak for you,â you said as you traced the veins of his hands.
matt smirked. âi messed up little miss perfectâs squeaky clean record? how will you ever get into college now?â
you ripped your hand from his and shoved his shoulder, barely restraining yourself from cussing him out. âshut up,â was what you settled for because while taryn and brady had most definitely heard their fair share of curse words, you didnât want to be the one on the receiving end of chantalâs disapproving look, even if it meant keith would be fighting for his life to hold back laughter.
all four of you, keith and chantal excluded, all but scrambled out of the car when it pulled into the garage. you and matt grabbed both of his bags before bum rushing into the house and up the stairs to his room.
âleave the door open!â chantal called from the first floor.
you didnât need to see his face to know matt was rolling his eyes.
âiâm tempted to ignore her and just slam and lock the door,â he grumbled.
you dropped the bag you were holding and guffawed. âyou wouldnât. you love your mom.â
matt dropped his bag and immediately took the opportunity to grab you by the waist. âand i love you.â
you almost giggled, but you didnât want to make a fool of yourself so you beamed instead. the first time he said those words was a few months ago over facetime and it still made you giddy as it did then.
matt pressed his forehead against yours. âyouâre not gonna say it back?â he asked.
you blinked, still smiling. âwhat?â
âyou're not gonna say you love me back?â
you shrugged, knowing it would get under his skin. you knew the consequences. âhm,â you hummed. âdo i need to?â
matt rolled his eyes so hard you thought they mightâve gotten stuck in the back of his head. âquit being smart.â
and maybe you shouldâve given up, maybe you shouldâve let it go and say those three little words youâd said countless times before. but teasing him was way too much fun to pass up when you hadnât seen him in months. so you pursed your lips and hummed again. âi seem to recall you saying you liked how smart i am. something about being the beauty and the brains?â
and out of nowhere, taryn popped her head in. âwell matt for sure wasnât going to be the beauty, and heâs never been the brains,â she smirked.
matt let go of you and marched over to the door, all but slamming it in her face.
âmatthew brendan tkachuk! that door better be open!â chantalâs voice carried up the stairs had you lunging across the room and whipping open the door in a hurry.
âsorry mrs. tkachuk!â you called out before turning around and glaring at your boyfriend. âyouâre a menace.â
matthew smirked and pulled you close enough that you were chest to chest. âbut you love me.â
âi love you so much.â
after
the hangover you had the next morning was probably the worst you ever remember having. well, until you remembered the night matt broke up with you, that was the worst one.
you turned over in bed, picked up your phone, and saw multiple texts from emma and brady alike, both ranging from âit was great to see youâ to âiâm so sorry about last night.â you groaned and dropped your phone back on the nightstand.
last night, when you thought about it, hurt more than it shouldâve. you saw him for the first time in the flesh and it looked like he was fine, like he didnât completely upend your life six months ago when he ended things. part of you wondered if he could see through you, through the illusion of your happiness and to the core where you were just as fractured as you were december 17th.Â
the rest of the weekend continued with you doing little to nothing but eating and binging trashy reality tv shows. when your alarm went off on monday morning, you contemplated calling off, but got dressed instead.
âyou look like hell,â was the first thing frankie, your mentor and boss, said to you. because of the nature of your relationship, you felt comfortable flipping him off, even as he passed you a cup of coffee. ârough night?â he asked after watching you take a hefty sip of the hot beverage.
ârough weekend,â you grumbled.
frankie gave you a small smile and patted you on the back as the two of you walked to the workspace. âwanna talk about it?â
you recognized performative kindness when you saw it. while you firmly believed frankie cared about you and your wellbeing, you also knew he didnât want to hear the sob story of how you ran into your ex drunk at a bar, at least, not at 8am. so you shook your head.
âi looked at some of your work on the bradshaw familyâs piece so far, and i was impressed. i do have some notes, but for the most part, youâve been doing a great job.â
you did your best to smile gratefully, but you werenât sure it translated. âi really appreciate your guidance on this, and the trust you have to let me work on some of these projects.â
âyouâre very talented,â he said. âyou ever thought about creating something for yourself or someone else?â
there wasnât a word to describe the noise that came out of your mouth. was it a nervous laugh? a squeak maybe? you didnât know, and neither did frankie.
âwhat?â he asked. âwhy is that so scary?â
you shrugged as the two of you made it to the workspace. normally, you would start by pulling out the supplies you needed to begin working on the bradshaw piece, but if frankie met you at the door, it was because he wanted to have an impromptu meeting first.
âi feel like iâm good at fixing things,â you said. âmaybe not creating something from thin air.â
âyou have so much talent,â frankie replied. âi hate to see it wasted on fixing and preserving someone elseâs work when you could be doing both. it could be your art that people hang in their houses and pay thousands of dollars to preserve.â
you nodded, but kept your eyes on the table, studying the wood grain and tracing the pattern with your finger.
âi donât think iâm capable of that anymore.â
frankie reached over and squeezed your shoulder. âjust think on it, okay? couldnât hurt to just think on it.â he walked out a moment later, giving you space and time to queue up music and get started on the day.
you opened spotify and pressed the play button on your liked songs without even thinking about it. not even two seconds later, you regretted your decision. the soft tones and beats of frank oceanâs thinkin bout you echoed through the room and slammed against your chest. you immediately switched the song and found a classical playlist to listen to instead.
but the tune wouldnât get out of your head.
not two minutes later.
not thirty minutes later.
not after your full eight hour shift spent hunched over your workstation.
not even on the drive home.
frank oceanâs voice permeated every fiber of your being.
it was simone who first showed you the song in high school. you remembered liking the melody enough, but you didnât get the lyrics. and why would you? you were in love with your best friend who loved you back. even though you were fourteen and too young to even think about marriage, you knew matthew was going to be the person you ended up with. it was him or no one.
and now it was no one.
now, you listened to the song play over and over in your head, the lyrics resonating with you deeper than ever before.
you pulled into your driveway, completely unaware of what cars were parked in the street. theyâd never mattered to you before. why would they now?
you sat in your car for a few minutes, taking a deep breath while you worked up the courage to go inside. when you finally got a grip on your emotions, you opened your door and grabbed your bag. you were too busy fumbling with your keys to notice anything amiss until you were on your porch and a pair of shoes came into sight.
âhey.â
it took everything in you not to scream. you dropped your keys and nearly dropped your bag. matthew stood on your front porch with his hands in the pockets in his shorts like he was innocent of any pain or suffering heâd caused you. he was in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and you hated yourself a little bit for thinking heâs attractive like that.
âwhatâre you doing here?â you hated how hoarse your voice sounded, like a low quality audio recording where things sounded muffled and broken.
âyour dad wouldnât let me in.â
âgood.â
matt sighed and ran a hand down his face. âcan we not do this?â
ânot do what?â you asked. ânot act like you ended things for no damn reason?â
âif youââ
âwe dated for nearly ten years and you decided to end it over a five minute phone call. and you still think youâre entitled to my time?â and maybe you shouldâve been kinder, maybe you shouldâve been more civil. but you hadnât seen or heard from him in months (until a few nights ago) and he just turned up out of the blue? expecting you to do what? forgive him? move on?
matthew said your name delicately, but not in the way he used to, like saying your name was a luxury he was honored to have. no, he said it like you were going to break, like you were fragile, like he wasnât the sole cause of your pain. âpleaseââ
the anger was draining out of you quicker. you were exhausted between work, and frank oceanâs stupid song, and the other night.Â
âwhat do you want?â your voice cracked on the last word. âwanna ruin my life a little bit more? put the final nail in the coffin?â
âno,â he shook his head fervently. matthew took a step towards you and looked something close to devastated when you stepped back. but it didnât make sense, he ended it, he had no right to look or feel that way. âi just wanna talk.â
âsix months,â you said, doing your best to keep your voice clear. âyou had six months to say something. what could you possibly have to say now that you couldnât then?â
âi know we didnât end on the best of termsââ he started, but it was cut off by your scoff. you turned your head away and used your palm to wipe at your eyes before you crossed your arms over your chest. ââbut i donât think we should let this ruin brady and emmaâs summer. weâre gonna see a lot of each other and i donât want things to be tense around them.â
you took a minute to really look at him. blonde frizzy curls, blue eyes that wouldnât leave your face. he hadnât changed one bit.
one summer, youâd attempted to count the number of freckles on his shoulders. you got up to 87 before you gave up.
and yet you felt like you were standing in front of a stranger.
there were so many things you wanted to say, so many things youâd dreamt of screaming at him, but now that he was here, in front of you, asking something of you, you felt drained, tired. you used to crave his presence, now it felt like a leech.
you loved him, but he was sucking the life out of you.
so you nodded. you nodded and said âokay,â before you walked inside your front door and left your heart on the porch.
you pressed your back against the door and slid to the ground, pulling your knees to your chest. there was no telling when you started crying, or when your dad joined you on the floor, hugging you as close to his chest as he could.
âwhy wasnât i enough?â you sobbed into your knees.
your dad petted your hair before he pressed a kiss there. âyouâre more than enough, honey. but you canât make anyone love you if theyâre not willing to.â
âhe used to!â you wailed. âhe used to love me!â then, in a smaller voice, âwhat changed?â
a beat of silence, then your fatherâs somber, quiet voice. âmaybe he did.â
before
âso what are your plans for after high school?â ms. meyer, your high school guidance counselor sat across from you at her desk. her stare was kind, but unwavering.
youâd already applied to notre dame, knowing thatâs where matt committed. so when you answered, it was confident. it had been your plan since matt said yes to the school. âiâm going to notre dame and majoring in art history.â
âdo you have any back up schools?â
you nodded. âucla and the art institute of chicago.â
ms. meyer pursed her lips. âyou know all of those places are highly competitive, right?â
âmy transcripts and resume are impressive and I did really well on the SAT and ACT. i think iâll be able to get in.â and you were, you were pretty confident as they come when it came to academics. any school wouldâve been lucky to have you, that much you believed.
ms. meyer nodded. âi understand ucla and the art institute, both of those schools have incredible arts programs, but why notre dame? it doesnât seem to fit with your aspirations.â
âoh,â you laughed under your breath. âthatâs where my boyfriend is going.â
your guidance counselor blinked. âyouâre incredibly smart and gifted, iâd hate to see that talent wasted when you could be developing it elsewhere. what do you want?â
âi want to be with matthew.â
ms. meyer sighed and gave you a sympathetic smile, you werenât sure why though. youâd never been more sure of anything. âhoney, can i be honest with you?â she didnât wait for your response. âyou have so much talent, so much to offer, iâve seen many girls come in here, putting off aspirations for their significant others only for that relationship not to last.â
âi know weâre young,â you started, already feeling the heat rise up in your chest. she didnât know anything about you personally, she didnât know about you and matt. âbut weâre gonna make it, i swear.â
ms. meyer nodded. âof course you are.â she cleared her throat and adjusted the papers in front of her. âso, notre dame...â
after
you weren't exactly sure what compelled you to do it, but at dinner a few nights ago, your mom had asked about what happened to simone, your friend from middle and high school. so you reached out, though it made you feel like you were contacting someone to join your mlm.
it legitimately surprised you when simone replied to your facebook message. the two of you made plans to get coffee on saturday.
and now it was saturday.
you werenât getting coffee until 9:30, but you were awake and staring at your ceiling at 7. youâd done the due diligence of stalking simoneâs profile, so you knew she was married with two kids who looked just like her. she worked as a data analyst for kroger and her husband was a public defender. she met her husband in college and they got married shortly after they graduated from grad and law school respectively.Â
if you were a better woman, youâd admit you were jealous. jealous that she got what she wanted in the end. but when you put that aside, you still felt overwhelming happiness at her station in life, regardless of how yours turned out.
you kept scrolling through her social media until it was eventually time for you to get up. you stayed to facebook, not even wanting to bother with going on instagram and accidentally stumbling across one of the tkachuksâ posts.
it was 9:10 when you finally finished getting dressed and ready. you came down the stairs and threw a goodbye over your shoulder before grabbing your crossbody bag and your keys and running out the door.
despite your sprinting and nearly running red lights, you were still five minutes late. you came into the coffee shop, gasping for air after sprinting down the sidewalk from your parking spot.
the second you entered the business, simoneâs hand lifted and she smiled brightly, calling you over almost immediately. she stood to greet you, and like no time had passed, pulled you in for a hug.
âitâs so good to see you,â she said. âwasnât sure if you still liked an iced chai latte, but i got one for you.â
âoh my god, yes,â you gasped before taking a seat and taking a sip of the beverage.
she kept smiling, which made you feel lighthearted for once. most people kept looking at you with pitying eyes, but simone saw you for more than the grief of the last six months. she had to know about it, she just had to, but you thanked her for not bringing it up in the first minute of your conversation.
âhowâs work going?â
you shrugged. âitâs mostly tedious, but itâs been fine. what about you? working for kroger? thatâs a huge deal.â
simone shook her head. âitâs just a means to an end, a way i can pay for my familyâs lifestyle.â
âbut are you passionate about what you do?â
she shrugged lightly. âitâs a job, itâs not my life. not everyone is going to work a job that fulfills them. my husband? he loves being a public defender, and heâs good at it. me though, as fun as analyzing data all day sounds and as helpful as it is, getting to have a job that doesnât come home with me is probably my favorite part of it.â
you nodded along like you understood. and maybe you didnât do a good enough job at being convincing because simone sighed.
âi wanted to wait to ask this, but i canât hold it in any longer. howâre you holding up?â
it took you several seconds to answer her question. your mouth open and closed multiple times. âiâ i don't know.â you sank back into your seat and picked at your cuticles. âitâs been a shitty few months,â you admitted. âyouâd think iâd be over it by now.
simone shook her head and leaned in, arms braced on the table. âyou two were together for a decade, whatâs a few months in comparison to that?â
you shrugged. âi saw him the other night, when i went out drinking with the other bridesmaids. it was like, i don't know, i got dunked in an ice bath or something. he looked completely unaffected and i couldnât breathe.â
simone whispered your name.
âbut iâm fine!â you asserted. âiâm trying to be.â
simone nodded. âso what do you do now?â
you couldâve kissed her feet for the change in topic. âiâm working in the art restoration and conservation field.â
simone blinked. âyouâre restoring art? do you like it?â
you shrugged. âmost days, it can get repetitive, but thatâs what i like.â
your friend sighed and fixed you with a soft, sympathetic look. âbut is that what you want to do for the rest of your life? restoring someone elseâs art? doing something repetitive? you are so talented, i hate to see you wasting that talent restoring someone elseâs work.â
âitâs not a waste! itâs incredibly difficult and some things deserve to be preserved.â
âbut some new things deserve to be created.â simone leaned in closer, her forearms braced on the table. âi think it would do you some good to start creating something again, even if itâs shitty. and you think you arenât ready, just try something new. a new bar, a new hobby, a new man, something new.â
your stomach twisted at the thought of going on a date with someone other than matt, but simone was right. it had been six months and he seemed to be doing fine, it was your turn to start moving on, to find yourself again.
so you nodded. âwe should do this more often,â you said. âiâve missed you.â
simone smiled. âiâve missed you too, iâm glad youâre home.â
you talked for another hour about everything the two of you had missed over the years of you being elsewhere before she had to leave and relieve the nanny at home. simone hugged you goodbye and texted you her new number before she left the coffee shop.Â
the drive home was quiet because you were pondering the things sheâd said. you werenât sure you were ready for making your own art, you sure as hell werenât ready to go on a date. but maybe you should try.
maybe you were ready to put yourself first for once.
before
the biggest argument youâd had with matt was after you found out he wasnât playing at notre dame at all, he was going to play for calgary.
you felt so stupid for committing to that school when you shouldâve known your boyfriend was talented enough to skip it altogether. maybe you shouldâve taken a gap year, then you wouldnât have to be doing even more long distance in two different countries.
the two of you never argued, or maybe never was too strong of a word. you hardly ever had a disagreement if you thought about it long enough. most of the time, you suppressed the disappointment and the anger, shoving it to the side because you were surely being dramatic.
but now you were standing off to the side, waiting for your name to be called to cross the stage at your high school graduation, and you wished youâd said something to convince matthew to delay settling into his new calgary apartment with one of his teammates.
but you swallowed your disappointment and pride and just dealt with the fact that he wouldnât be there.
it was fine.
just high school.
you were snapped out of your reverie when your name was called. you smiled and walked across the stage. when you dreamt of this exact moment, you always thought youâd walk with grace, that all noise would cease to exist as you honed in on the sheet of paper youâd spent the last 13 years working towards.
but it wasnât like that.
because you heard one specific voice above all the others. as your principal handed you the diploma, your eyes searched the crowd and saw him.
matthew standing up and yelling with his family next to him. he had a sign, the words you couldnât read because there were tears forming in your water line. he was pointing at you and kept yelling and clapping, hooting and hollering like it was his full time job. your parents were smiling, though they were seated, and your grandparents were stone faced clapping like they were at the masters tournament.
so you kept your eyes on him, even as you walked back to your seat. you might have stumbled, tripped even, but all you could see, all you could feel was him.
you were back in your seat by the time the person calling out the names spoke again.
âplease hold your applause until the end.â
you could hear his scoff, even from your seat.
your leg bounced for the rest of the graduation ceremony. you didnât even register the turning of your tassel. you just couldnât wait for it to be over so you could be in mattâs arms.
as soon as the ceremony concluded, matt was shoving his way past families, nearly taking out an elderly gentleman in his quest to get to you. on the other hand, you were being pushed to move farther away from him as the procession of students filed out of the gym. you kept looking over your shoulder to find him, but it looked like brady had caught up to him, wrangling his older brother to follow the crowds outside.
âoutside!â brady pointed.
you nodded.
as soon as you got through the gym doors, you were booking it outside into the sunlight. it blinded you momentarily, but you whipped your phone out seconds later to see if matt had texted you where heâd be. you pulled up his contact and were seconds away from calling him when arms wrapped around your waist and lifted you up into the air.
a squeal left your lips until he set you down a moment later. you spun around in his arms and before you could say anything, matthew was kissing you like no one else was around.
when the two of you finally needed air, you pulled away. âi thought you were in calgary!â
matthew scoffed though there was a large smile on his lips. âyou thought iâd miss my favorite girlâs graduation? calgary can wait, your high school graduation only happens once.â
âiâm glad youâre here,â you whispered.Â
âme too, baby.â
unfortunately, matt pulled away so you could hug your parents and even your grandparents who were standing off to the side. taryn and brady pulled you into a group hug afterwards, with taryn going on a tangent about all the fun things the two of you would have to do before you left for school.
but brady was taking your graduation cap off your head to ruffle your hair as matt grabbed your purse and took your car keys out. keith and chantal were offering to pay for a celebratory lunch while your grandparents gave an irish goodbye. your parents were smiling, you were tucked into mattâs side, and brady and taryn were bickering andâ
everything was perfect.
you wanted to freeze that moment, that sensation in your chest, take the saccharine feeling and bottle it up and store it on your bookshelf.Â
and if you couldâve, you wouldâve savored the sensation of mattâs lips pressed to your temple while both of your dads discussed the best route to get to the restaurant.
but you had no idea how the future would turn out.
you thought matt was forever.
after
you were on a double date, or at least, hyping yourself up to go into the bar and meet up with simone, her husband, and a friend of theirs. you didnât want to be a bitch, but you also didnât want to send yourself into a panic attack. simone had suggested just entertaining something with someone, didnât even have to be serious, it could just be sex.
you could do that, right?
just casual sex?
the thought was nauseating. youâd only slept with matthew, no one knew your body like he did andâ
you stopped yourself before you could go down that rabbit hole.
your hands shook as you stepped out of your car and locked it. maybe you shouldâve gotten an uber, but then again, you werenât really planning on drinking like that. you were hoping youâd still be sober enough to go home.
the music in the bar shockingly wasnât as loud as you expected. it wasnât the bass bumping, ass grinding bar like the ones matt used to take you to after games. even still, your palms started sweating as you looked around. you spotted simoneâs natural hair across the room and made your way towards her.Â
her husband, stephen, stood to greet you first, followed by simone, then lastly your date. a guy named andrew who was a partner at his firm, the youngest on his team.
his handshake was firm, but there were no calluses on his palm. his hair was slicked back with what you guessed was a pomade.
he was so unlike matthew it was alarming.
but maybe it was for the best.
you smiled and took your seat next to simone, you sipped on the water in front of you.
âwe didnât want to order drinks without you just yet.â
âthank you,â you mumbled just loud enough for everyone to hear.
âitâs nice to finally meet you,â andrew started. âsimone spoke highly of you. she said youâve been friends since middle school.â
you felt bad because simone didnât really say much to you about him. if you were a gambler, youâd assume it was because she didnât want you to back out. you barely even knew him and you were already comparing him to matt.
which wasnât fair, you knew that. andrew deserved to be a human without the baggage of your last and only relationship determining how you viewed him.
you would try, at the very least for simone. at the very most, youâd try for yourself.
ânice to meet you too. i heard youâre a partner at your law firm? how is that going?â
oh god. you were so bad at this. asking about work on a friday night?
but he smiled. his teeth were perfectly straight and white. you'd bet your last dollar that he'd never needed braces, not like you did.
you hated yourself for thinking of the gap between matthewâs teeth.
âitâs going well,â he said. âlot of work, but i managed to get enough done this week that my friday was free. i wanted to meet the âbest artist on planet earth,â according to simone.â
âoh i donât know about that,â you flushed.
simone scoffed. âdonât downplay yourself.â she turned to look at andrew. âyou should see the art she created in high school as a teenager. it was so impressive.â
âwhat medium do you like working with the most?â he asked.
âmostly acrylic.â
andrewâs eyes lit up. âdo you have any photos of your art? iâd love to see your work.â
you shook your head, feeling a little embarrassed at all the attention. âi donât really paint like that anymore. i work in art conservation now, not a whole lot of time to create something new.â
âthatâs such a unique career! what does your average day look like?â andrew leaned forward a little and took a sip of his water.
you told him a little bit about what you did. about how you spent hours hunched over a painting and fixing the smallest problems in hopes it would satisfy the client.
âyou mustâve gone to some prestigious art school for that. if you donât mind me asking, where did you go to college?â
your spine stiffened. âuniversity of calgary.â
and just like you anticipated, his face twisted in confusion. there was no logical reason you shouldâve gone out of the country for a regular school. it would be one thing if you went to an art institute, but you didnât.
âwhy calgary?â he asked. âseems a bit random, if you donât mind me asking.â
you shifted in your seat and wouldnât meet anyoneâs eyes. it wasnât until you cleared your throat in a sorry attempt to get the lump out, that you spoke. âitâs a long story,â you said. âthought i had a future in calgary.â
andrew, to his credit, knew when to not ask questions and changed the subject immediately.
the rest of the night passed in a blur. you were only halfway present, your mind reeling at how you wasted those years in calgary waiting for a man who would dump you as soon as he moved to a warmer state.
he, quite literally, left you in the cold.
andrew offered to walk you to your car, an offer you accepted because it was dark and st. louis.
âi had a great time tonight,â he said. âit was really nice to meet you. youâre even better than simone and stephen said.â
you gave him a small smile. âit was nice to meet you too.â
andrew shifted on his feet. for a moment, he didnât look the part of the youngest partner at his law firm, he looked like a boy. âi was hoping maybe youâd want to do this again? maybe get some dinner?â
your throat felt like someone had force fed you cotton balls. but then you thought about how pathetic your life had been the last six months, how pathetic it was going to be when you flew to new jersey to be in the same bridal party as your ex.
you refused to be pathetic any longer.
which is probably why you smiled (albeit shakily) and said yes.
before
you were bouncing on your toes in the hallway as you waited for matt. it was a brutal game, and he spent a good portion of it in the penalty box, mostly for minor things, but one incident was for fighting. which wasnât atypical, but youâd never seen him that keyed up before.
and given his reputation, there were any number of things that couldâve caused the fight itself. two weeks ago, matt had fought someone for being too forceful with one of his teammates, which after years of watching the game, was on par with the sport and your boyfriend.
because he fought so much, you werenât necessarily surprised whenever he did. sure, you flinched when he was punched, knowing how badly it would bruise, praying to whatever higher power existed that he would still have all his teeth. but usually, matt wasnât trying to fight everyone on the ice at all times.
tonight was different.
safe to say, you were a little anxious waiting for him to come out.
you werenât exactly sure about what was said on the ice to get him so riled up. the worst youâd seen was when someone on the other team said something about taryn. you used to think that was the angriest you ever saw him. and it was.
until tonight.
you could feel the energy rolling off of him in waves as he exited the locker room. usually, after a win, matt is relaxed and easy going, but despite the victory from tonight, he was tense and pent up, frustrated even.
âhey,â you said, meeting him halfway.
matthew didnât respond, just dropped his bag and wrapped you up in a hug, tucking his head into the space where your neck met your shoulder.
âyou okay?â you asked.
he nodded. he squeezed your waist once before letting go, taking your hand instead. âready to go?â
the car ride was silent minus the music matthew had playing through the aux. his hand rested on your thigh, though the grip was particularly tighter than normal, especially after a win. part of you wanted to ask, the other part not wanting to spoil the rest of the night with your curiosity.
but this was the man you loved. and it hurt you to see him this upset.
normally, you wouldâve left well enough alone, but you were going back to notre dame in two days and didnât want to spend the rest of your time walking on eggshells around him. you couldnât help him if you didnât know what was wrong.
âwhat happened?â you asked when the car came to a stop at a light.
ânothing,â he grunted.
âyour team won and youâre still grumpy, matthew. so tell me, what happened? i want to help you.â
âthereâs nothing to help.â
âmatthew,â you groaned. âiâm only here for two days, can you just be honest with me? i donât wanna waste the rest of my trip with you being upset when i can help youââ
âthen go back to indiana!â he all but yelled, ripping his hand off your thigh so he could shove it through his disheveled hair.
your jaw dropped. in all the years youâd known matt, he'd never talked to you that way. and you werenât starting a bad habit by letting him think he could ever do it again. you unbuckled your seat belt and grabbed your bag. you tugged on the handle of the door. âiâll see you at home,â you said.
matt scoffed. âdonât be dramatic.â
âiâm not being âdramatic,â matthew. youâre being an asshole.â you braced yourself for the cold as the door opened and let in a cold breeze.
matthew called your name, but you ignored him and slammed the car door shut. it was a little petty, considering how matt had berated his siblings over the same thing.
a car honked, probably because the light had turned green and matt was still sitting at the light, looking at you.
a cold wind blew and for a moment, you thought about hopping back in the car with matt, but he was pulling away and your pride wasnât ready to take a hit just yet.
his car sped away until, with an efficiency you only wish you had, he parallel parked in a spot just up the road.
âget in the car,â he called, slamming his car door shut. âitâs too cold for you to be proving a point.â
âand what point am i trying to prove, matthew?â you asked over your shoulder.
you kept walking.
âwould you please stop walking and just get back in the car?â
you kept walking.
a hand reached out and grabbed your wrist, you mightâve shrieked had it not been gentle, had you not recognized the scent of mattâs cologne.
gently, he turned you around.
âbaby, just get in the car. you donât even have to talk to me. don't even have to look at me if you donât want to. iâll sleep on the couch or something, but itâs not safe for you to be walking home alone.â he ran his thumb back and forth over your pulse point in a soothing manner.
you kept your eyes on his hand. âwhat happened during the game?
he sighed, shoulders sagging like they were tired from carrying the weight of the world. âthey were talking shit.â
you blinked. âand thatâs different....how?â
with the hand that wasnât holding your wrist, matthew pinched the bridge of his nose. âthey were talking shit about you. saying you deserved better and shit.â
âmatthew, you know thatâs not trueââ
âthey called you names.â his voice was dark, angrier than you'd ever heard before. âthings iâm not comfortable repeating.â
a shiver went down your spine, for matt to be that upset made you uncomfortable. you didnât want to think about what they said, you didnât want to dwell on it any longer.
âwell,â you said, voice feeling small and weak in your throat. âwell, we know itâs not true, so it doesnât matter.â you tried to make your way back to the car, but mattâs grip on your wrist stopped you.
âbut it does matter,â he insisted. âwhat they said, i get it wasn't true, you and i both know that. but iâm not gonna let anyone talk shit about you, i donât care who they are.â
your eyes finally met his own and in the blue you saw determination and conviction there. you started towards him and wrapped your arms around his waist.
âi love you, matty.â
he kissed the top of your head. âlove you more.â
after
âwhere are you going?â your mom asked from the couch.
your dad looked up from his james patterson book to squint at your outfit: a square neck black dress. âare you going out?â he chimed in.
you felt sheepish, like the fifteen year old girl going on her first solo date, no parents picking her up because matt just got his license. âremember that guy i went on a double date with?â
âwith simone and her husband?â you mom asked.
you nodded. âweâre going out again, just us tonight.â
your mother gave you a small smile while you dad kept staring. âhave fun, sweetheart.â
your dad, however, put his book down and looked at you above the rim of his glasses. âare you gonna be okay?â
âalan, this will be good for her!â
but your dadâs eyes never left your face. âyouâll call if you need something?â
âandrewâs a good guy, dad.â or at least, you were assuming so. youâd only met the guy one other time and he seemed alright.
but you could see the look in your fatherâs eyes, you could hear what he wasnât saying.
so was matthew.
you swallowed and nodded at your parents. your phone pinged with a notification that your uber was outside. âiâll be back.â
the drive to the bar was silent. usually, you wouldnât have taken an uber, but you were unsure how drunk you would get tonight. the date could go well, it could be everything you wanted, even if all you wanted was matthew.Â
but you were prepared for the worst. you were prepared to drink until you couldnât see straight just to get through the night.
andrew was a nice guy, but he wasnât who you wanted.
and you hated yourself for it.
the uber pulled up to the bar. and simply because he didnât kidnap or talk to you, you gave the driver five stars.
andrew was waiting at a high top table for you, a glass of water ready to go. you waved at him and carefully made your way across the room, avoiding people and drinks and people with drinks.
âhey,â he greeted.
you gave him a small smile. âhi.â
âwas traffic bad on your way here? i wasnât sure, given that itâs friday and what not.â
you shook your head. ânot too bad.âÂ
câmon, think of something. say something. anything.
âcrazy busy tonight, huh?â you wanted to facepalm. that was what you came up with? all the words in the world and that was what youâ
âyeah,â andrew cut off your mental tirade. âi think some famous guys are here tonight, heard murmurs of it.â
you nearly broke out into a cold sweat. âd-do you know who?â
andrew shrugged. âi didnât ask, i just heard someone talking about it when i was getting a drink.â then, like he finally realized, he snapped. âdo you want anything? i can grab it for you.â
you gave him your drink order with a smile. he tapped the table with his knuckles before promising he'd be right back.
you traced the grain of the table with your finger, allowing it to feel the grooves and water stains left from other customers. it felt awkward, sitting by yourself with no one to talk to. andrew said he'd be back, but the bar was busy, it could be ten, fifteen minutes before he'd come back.
your phone buzzed.
simone:Â
howâs it going?
you smiled despite yourself.Â
you:
heâs nice. he went to get me a drink.
you put your phone down to look around the bar. it was busier than normal, or at least, what you thought was normal.
you were scrolling through your social media feeds when andrew finally came back. he had your drink in hand with a smile on his face.
âsorry, the line took forever,â he said.
you glanced at the bar to see a small crowd of people. âdoesnât surprise me,â you said. âfridayâs are usually busy.â
âyeah especially when thereâs two hockey players in town. heard someone at the bar talking about it, thought you might wanna know. simone said you were a fan?â
your stomach dropped to your feet. you took a hefty sip of your drink to avoid andrew seeing a frown on your face. there was a chance that it was a blues player still in town, but your gut knew better. if you were a betting woman, you'd bet your last dollar on it being brady and matt.
you wanted to throw up.
instead, you chugged the drink.
âwhoa, you okay?â andrewâs eyes widened a little, maybe in concern, but there was something about the smirk on his face that said otherwise.
you gave him a shaky smile. âjust fine. can i get another drink?â
he smiled immediately and got up to get you another.
and another.
and another.
your vision was blurring a little when you tried to cut yourself off, even as andrew was sliding another glass in front of you. you threw the drink back again, not even blinking at it.
matt and brady could be here. it was too soon to see them again, you weren't prepared to see them again. maybe if you drank enough, youâd black out and forget all about tonight.
but then andrew was grabbing your elbow, he was leading you towards the door, encroaching upon your personal space. his lips were on your neck, whispers of what he had planned for you.
your skin crawled, you wanted him off of you, but your arms were sluggish, you were tripping over your feet and he was the only thing holding you up.
âno,â you slurred. âlemme go.â
but he either didnât hear you or was ignoring you because he kept dragging you to the door.
then the panic set in.
it felt like it came out of nowhere, but maybe the surmounting panic was always there like a loyal friend. you tried squirming out of his grip, shoving at his chest, but the panic was building the longer he held onto you. your head was shaking furiously, your mouth doing its best to protest, but it was like the alcohol made your tongue heavy.
âlemme goââ you tried shoving one more time before you heard a shout in the distance.Â
âhey!â you werenât aware of the people around you being shoved to the side, you were unaware of the rage surrounding you. you were unaware until andrew was ripped away and you were being shoved into another body.
âmatt heyââ
brady. you were right, brady was here.
god you loved brady.
âbrady?â you slurred, smiling lazily up at him. âyouâre here! whyâre you here?â
with one arm, brady kept you pressed to him, but he wasnât acknowledging you. his eyes were focused on his brother holding the collar of your date.
oh. your date.
there was no rhyme or reason for the feeling of horror that washed over you when you realized what almost happened before matt and brady showed up.
you were gonna throw up.
or pass out.
you werenât sure when you started hyperventilating, but it felt like the walls were closing in. was the music always this loud? was matt always that loud when yelling? you wouldnât know, he hardly ever yelled at youâ
âhey,â bradyâs gentle voice sounded it your ear, but it was like you were hearing it from underwater. âhey, breathe, itâs okay. youâre safe now.â
the funny thing about hyperventilating is no one wants to be hyperventilating. itâs similar to worrying in that telling someone to stop worrying is ineffective. brady telling you to breathe wasnât helping because it wasnât like you wanted to be light headed and struggling to get oxygen.
your mind was just racing with the thoughts of what almost happened.
were your hands shaking? or was the world just rocky? was it the alcohol? why did andrew give you so much? was he planning onâ
oh god.
oh god.
âmatt!â bradyâs voice again sounding like a deep echo in a cave, one you could barely hear. âmatt, i think he got the point, she needs you.â
did you?
but it didnât matter what you thought, because you were being gently pulled into a pair of arms you wouldâve recognized anywhere. you could be deaf, blind, and mute, you couldâve had your nose plugged so you couldnât smell his aftershave and you still wouldâve known it was matt. his arms were the only ones that felt like home.
maybe it was the way your head tucked under his chin perfectly, or the way you could hold your own hand when you wrapped your arms around his waist. maybe it was the way matt tried to fit you into his ribcage whenever he hugged you.
âhey,â his voice was quiet, hoarse from the yelling probably. âyouâre okay, iâve got you. nothingâs gonna hurt you, not while iâm here.â his lips were on the top of your head, mumbling the words into your hair.
âheâhe was gonnaââ
matt was shushing you, running a hand up and down your back. âdo you wanna go outside? get some fresh air?â you nodded against his chest, a place you used to lay your head on at night.
matt walked you outside, brady not far behind. he was supporting most of your weight. you were still incredibly drunk even if the event that just happened sobered you up a little.
your hands were still shaking, your knees a little weak, though you werenât sure what the original cause of that was. if it was from alcohol, the sleazy date, or just being held by your ex, you werenât sure.
what a year tonight has been.
your heartbeat slowed down as you listened to mattâs. his hand continued to rub your back in long lines.
âyouâre okay,â he continued to say. âiâm not gonna leave you. youâre safe right here, baby.â
your heart soared at the pet name until gravity kicked in and you were right back where you started.
rock bottom.
you pushed away from matt, now that your heart rate had decreased. you stumbled a bit from the lack of stability, but you managed to right yourself before matt could get his hands on you to help you balance.
âyou okay?â he asked.
âno,â you mumbled, shaking your head despite the world feeling like it was spinning too fast already. âno. iâm not okay.â
matt took a step towards you, it was like watching a film in slow motion, seeing his face fall as you immediately took a step back.
âbaby iââ
âstop! stop calling me that!â you yelled even as your words slurred, throwing your hands up in the air before pulling at your hair. âyouâyou donât get to call me that, not anymore. and you certainly donât get to ride in like some white knight coming to my rescue either!â
âwhatâre youââ he cut himself off before running a hand down his face. âhe was going to hurt you, i wasnât going to let that happen!â
maybe it was the alcohol that made you more honest than normal. âwhy? you donât seem to care what happens anyway?â
âwhat the hell are you talking about? i would never let someone hurt you, not if i can stop it.â
âbut you had no problem hurting me? leaving me in a country alone?â
mattâs jaw dropped. âyou canât seriously be comparing the two. heâhe almostâhe had every intention ofââ but he kept cutting himself off. and by the looks of his clenched fists, it was hurting him more just thinking about it.
and he was right, what almost happened with andrew and what actually happened at the hands of matt were two different things, but it hurt more from matt, the man who swore heâd be at your side, to love you through it all. heâd dropped you like a bad habit and was expecting everything to be normal again? like you hadnât spent over half your life completely in love with him?
you sighed, your shoulders sagged, all fight evaporating your body once more. âthanks for help, iâll see you around.â you turned on your heel and nearly ran into brady, whom you forgot was even there.
âlet me drive you home,â brady said. ââs the least i could do.â
brady at least let you sit shotgun this time, with matt in the back. and when he pulled up to your house, matt was the one to walk you to the door like he had many times before.
âcan we talk?â he asked. âsometime this week? or next? or whenever you're free?â
you looked at him, really looked at him. his hands shook at his sides and you longed to hold them in your own to steady them like he did for you earlier. âwhyâre you doing this to me? why canât you just leave me be?â
matt stared at you before he pressed his lips together. he looked off to the side almost like he was looking at brady waiting in the car or a scrap of self control, or maybe just the right words to say. âi donât think iâm capable of letting you go.â
your voice caught on the words in your throat. âi need you to try, matt. because i canât keep doing this. you canât call me baby when iâm not your baby anymore.â
he nodded. âjust one conversation, i promise.â
you should say no. you should just let it go, but you didnât think you could deny matt anything if he really asked for it. âokay,â you said. âjust one conversation.â
#matthew tkachuk imagine#matthew tkachuk x reader#matthew tkachuk#nhl imagine#nhl imagines#nhl blurb
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Fall Into Me - Epilogue
dbf!joel x f!reader | WC: 3.7k | E 18+ mdni

Series Summary: Joel is hanging on by a thread as a single father to a tenacious 10-year-old Sarah. Feeling like he's drowning, like the world is about to spit him out, he needs some help before he breaks in half. At your dad's insistence, you show up in his life and change everything.
Chapter Tags/Warnings: Explicit, under 18 take a hike. No outbreak AU. A wedding, father/daughter dance, tears, laughter, unprotected p in v (reader's on birth control and they're married now so...), Sarah calls reader Mom, mention of Ellie...
A/N: This is the end, folks! They are a real family now. I'm not crying, you're crying. As we all know by now, this fic was inspired by the song Fall Into Me. Another song dear to me inspired a particular scene in this chapter - Butterfly Kisses. Check it out if you'd like. **it always makes me cry, so beware** This story is dear to my hear and I'm grateful for all the love it has received. Thank you for joining me on this journey!
Moodboard by the lovely @mrsmando. Dividers by the wonderful @saradika-graphics
Chapter Eleven | Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist
The autumn sun began its descent, painting the sky in beautiful shades of orange and red as it approached the horizon. Joel stared out the double-paned glass, too focused on calming his nerves to enjoy the rolling landscape of the vineyard below. Palms sweaty and heart thumping heavily in his chest, he tugged at the collar of his dress shirt, popping the top two buttons open to help him breathe.
âCold feet, son?â JB questioned from the doorway before slipping fully into the room. Tommy followed behind him, anxious to see why Joel was taking so long.
Their presence startled Joel and he grimaced. âNot me,â he grunted, still struggling to inhale deep, full breathes as his heart raced.
âYou sure about that, brother?â
Joel directed a scowl in Tommyâs direction. âI donât have cold feet, but Iâm terrified she does,â he admitted gruffly. He couldnât meet the other menâs eyes, feeling vulnerable.
âI promise you, son. Spud does not have cold feet,â JB soothed. âIn fact, she has much the same worry about you.â
âA match made in heaven, Iâd say,â Tommy chimed in with a grin, bumping his shoulder against Joelâs.
âCome on, now. Get your asses down to the vineyard before Maria comes looking for ya. Sheâs on a war path, that girl aâ yours,â JB directed with a wink to Tommy. âI gotta get back to Spud, make sure she doesnât run off to find you before itâs time. Meet again at the altar, fellas.â
The brothers watched your dad leave. Throwing an arm around Joelâs shoulder, Tommy led him toward the door. âThe olâ bastard was telling the truth, ya know. Sheâs terrified of you getting cold feet. Emily and Sarah have been calming her down for an hour now, insisting that you canât wait to marry her. That girl loves you more than anything, brother.â
Joel beamed, eyes softening at the thought of you walking towards him in a flowing white dress, wildflowers clutched in your hand, and eyes brimming with tears of absolute joy. The mental image soothed his nerves more than any words could and he finally let Tommy lead him from the room.
Fresh air with the slightest chill met them as they exited the building. The soft hum of a string quartet filled the air while guests arrived and took their seats. A charming wooden arbor adorned with colorful flowers, delicate greenery, and a white sash served as the altar at which the two of you would become husband and wife.
Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Joel walked down the aisle, nodding at some of the guests as he took his place in front of the arbor. He stood tall, looking undeniably handsome in a slate gray suit sans tie, the top few buttons of the ruby colored dress shirt left open offering a glimpse of his tanned chest and a sprinkle of hair. Thick curls were swept back from his face, facial hair trimmed to perfection with that little heart-shaped bare patch visible.
Stepping up to his left side, Tommy smiled broadly at the small crowd. His longer curls were tied back neatly, and he tucked a few stray locks behind his ears and sent a cheeky wink to his woman sitting in the front row. Maria rolled her eyes playfully. Tommy watched Joelâs hand flex, fingers bouncing against thigh in a nervous tick he had since childhood and braced a hand on his shoulder. âYou got this, big brother.â
Before Joel could respond, the string quartet began to play Pachelbelâs Canon and he stood taller, eyes locked down the aisle in anticipation of seeing you. Tommy rushed off to the side to take his place in the processional.
Sarah appeared from behind a row of lush, thick vines, looking like an angel in a white dress with a ribbon of material matching Joelâs shirt tied around her waist. The little girl insisted that her dress match yours, not understanding that, traditionally, only the bride wore white. But you didnât give a hoot about tradition, helping Sarah to find the perfect white dress, adding the sash as something unique. The recollection of the joy on Sarahâs face when she tried on the dress for the first time made Joelâs heart melt.
Sarah danced down the aisle; face lit up with glee as she scattered rose petals along the way from a small wicker basket clutched in one hand. When she reached the end of the aisle, she spun in a circle, allowing her dress to flutter around her, and tossed the last of the rose petals into the air, much to the delight of the guests and her father.
âHi Daddy!â Sarah called, bouncing over to the place she was told to stand the evening before. Joel melted at the happiness on his daughterâs face, and he beamed back at her proudly. The little girlâs antics drew a soft rumble of laughter from the guests before all attention turned back down the aisle.
Tommy and Emily stepped past the vines next, looking resplendent in their formal wear, the shade of Emilyâs dress reminiscent of a glass of finest pinot noir, matching the hue of Tommyâs dress shirt. Joel nodded at them as they approached, lips quirked in a half smile. His hand clenched at his side as he fought back the nerves again.
Moments later, the rest of the world fell away when you appeared, one hand clasped around your dadâs arm. The charming colors of the setting sun were no match for your beauty. Joel had never seen anyone or anything so perfect in his entire life. A crown of vibrant flower blossoms secured in your hair, the breeze rustled a few locks and the short train of your simple white gown.
Joel couldnât take his eyes off you â not as you walked down the aisle to him, or when JB shook his hand in that ceremonial way of giving you to him, and certainly not as the officiant rambled through the ceremony. To put it simply, you mesmerized him.
He would almost regret it later, but the entire ceremony was a blur. The only parts he remembered included your face smiling broadly at him, the love in your glistening eyes as you repeated the vows you chose together, and the kiss after being declared man and wife.
âYouâre stuck with me forever now, darlinâ,â Joelâs gravelly voice rumbled in your ear after the sweet kiss.
Your tinkling laughter carried in air, spreading merriment throughout the vineyard. âOh no, whatever will I do,â you whispered back.
âCan we go dance now?â Eager to get on with the fun part, Sarah interrupted your little moment.
âOf course, nugget. Letâs go dance!â
The little girl squeezed her way in between the two of you and having tossed her empty flower basket aside without care, slipping her hand in yours and the other in Joelâs to tug you both back down the aisle.
âSomeoneâs eager to get the party started,â Joel chuckled, lips spread in a jaw-aching grin as his little family made their way to the reception area. Your eyes sparkled back at him, full of happiness and love.
The winery boasted a lodge with an oversized deck suitable for your small celebration and enough rooms for the guest to stay the night. The path from the ceremonial area back to the lodge weaved through thickets of grape vines, plump fruit nearly ripe for the picking as the three of you ducked under and around the vines.
The vineyard was charming, a lucky find in your search for the perfect wedding venue. It was the only compromise Joel willingly made on a venue â he longed for a quiet, backyard wedding, but you insisted on something slightly grander in scale.
Maria and Tommy did a great job of recreating the ambiance of that night long ago in Joelâs backyard for the reception. Fairy lights were strung high across the deck, music playing softly as the guests mingled with cocktails and hors d'oeuvres in hand. High top tables were scattered about, centerpieces full of colorful hydrangeas.
It was perfect.
Wanting to save money, you kept the guest list to less than thirty people, mostly family and close friends, and opted for a bulk purchase of disposable cameras rather than springing for the cost of a wedding photographer. In addition, you insisted on a tier of cupcakes over an actual wedding cake, the icing matching the ruby red color of wine. Sarah and JB offered to put together an eclectic playlist for the winery to play through their sound system rather than put forth the cost of a band or DJ. All in all, it was an entirely family run affair that didnât break the bank and you couldnât be happier for it.
You and Joel mingled with the guests for a while before it was time for your first dance. Staying on theme, Joel had one request regarding your wedding song â it had to be Fall Into Me. You could hardly deny that one request, especially as the song meant so much to the both of you, practically telling the story of how you came together. Just like that night in his yard, Joel sang the words in a soft, quiet voice meant only for you, your bodies swaying side to side across the floor like you were the only two there.
None too soon, your dad led Sarah onto the dance floor, letting her stand on his feet as he danced around, just like he used to do when you were little. Maria and Tommy soon joined them, along with Emily and her husband. Before long, the party was in full swing.
You fought back tears during the father-daughter dance. Just as Sarah insisted on her dress matching yours, she wanted to dance with Joel during the traditional time. You were more than happy to have them join you. The battle against the tears was lost during the first chorus of Butterfly Kisses.
JB held you tighter as the first tear fell, brushing it away with a calloused thumb. âFeels like just yesterday when you would dance around on my feet like that,â he said, voice rough and quiet with the choke of tears in his throat. âNow here you are, grown up and married, with a family all your own. Youâre not my little Spud anymore.â
Thank fuck for waterproof mascara, you thought as a sob escaped. âDad,â you drew out the word in a sob, tears flooding your eyes, falling faster. You could barely get out the next words, throat aching and vision blurry. âIâll always be your little Spud, no matter how old I am.â
Joel danced closer to you, checking in with a concerned look as you cried. âDarlinâ, you alright?â His eyes darted between you and JB, the shimmer in the older manâs eyes matching his own. Dark eyes softened into molten chocolate, and he gestured to your dad to switch partners.
JB let you go after a bone crushing hug and a kiss to your forehead. âTake care of my girl, ya hear?â
Nodding solemnly, Joel shook JBâs hand. âAlways.â He ushered Sarah into JBâs arms, letting them dance for the rest of the song as he pulled you close. Joel pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. âI told you this song would make you cry, darlinâ. Let me wipe those tears away.â
Sniffling, your lips tilted up in a watery smile as he dabbed gently at your face. âI know, it always does. But itâs so beautiful, I had to include it.â
âAlmost as beautiful as you,â Joel murmured, head nuzzled against yours. âSarah already told me sheâll have this song at her wedding, too. I just know Iâll be crying like a god damned baby during the dance.â
That earned a laugh from you, the tears finally easing as the song ended. âHas she started planning her dream wedding already?â Joel nodded, a chuckle rumbling softly in your ear.
The evening carried on, dancing and drinking and laughing with everyone in celebration of you and Joel. You never really imagined your wedding as a kid, more concerned with being a tomboy and other, more important things. But you think now that if you had it likely would have imagined something exactly like this.
âCome on, Mrs. Miller,â Joel said when the lights finally dimmed, and the notes of the final song faded into the night. âItâs time to say goodnight to our guests.â
âCongrats, brother!â Tommy called cheerfully when you and Joel approached. His eyes large and glassy, a slight slur to his words providing evidence of a thoroughly enjoyable evening. âYou two throw a great party. Do you need us to watch Sarah for the night so you canââ
âAlright you,â Maria jumped in, cutting the younger, drunker Miller brother off. âI doubt they want your drunk ass watching Sarah. Do you have someone lined up?â
âOh, yeah, weâre good there. My dad is hosting a sleepover now that he is officially a grandpa. Heâs insisting on being called Poppy just like I called my grandad.â You laughed at the memory of that conversation. JB was so excited to have a new nickname just for Sarah.
âGreat! I would have been more than happy to help out but Iâm going to have my hands full with this one,â Maria said with a gesture to Tommy where he swayed on his feet with a cheesy grin plastered on his face.
âAlone at last,â Joel whispered, carrying you through the threshold of the wedding suite. âYou look beautiful in this dress, but I canât wait to get you out of it.â
Any exhaustion you felt from the long, exciting day vanished at the smoldering look in your husbandâs eyes. Your husband. Holy hell. Suddenly nervous, you slowly slipped the dress from your shoulders. Though you and Joel had been together more times than you could count, this would be the first time you had sex as a married couple.
Would his expectations be different? Should they be? Were you expecting something different? Should you? Fuck, why didnât you think to ask Emily about this earlier?
âDarlinâ?â
You glanced up to see Joelâs brows furrowed, realizing that you zoned out with your dress still around your hips. Warmth spread through your cheeks in embarrassment. âIâm sorry, Joel. Iâm⊠Iâm a little nervous for some reason and got in my head about it.â
His lips tilted upwards as he stepped closer to help ease the dress down your body with gentle movements, knowing exactly what you needed to hear. âThereâs no need to be nervous, sweetheart. Itâs just you and me, like it always has been. We just have rings on our fingers now.â
And just like that, all worries fled your mind.
Once your dress was out of the way, Joel helped remove your bra and panties, leaving behind a trail of kisses on your dewy skin. His calloused hands, large but gentle, caressed every inch of bare skin before him, trousers growing tight as his body reacted to the sight of you.
His pupils dilated before your eyes and you pressed your lips to his, tongue teasing into his mouth to tangle with his in a searing kiss. He tasted of whiskey and chocolate and something so uniquely Joel, and you drank in the taste like a starving woman.
Still wearing far too much clothing for your liking, you ripped open his dress shirt, sending the buttons flying across the room. Oops. Manicured nails scratched down his bare chest, along his belly, until your fingers met the confining layer of his pants. After watching you fumble with his belt for too long â which, in reality, was only like two seconds, you swear â Joel brushed your hands aside and, without breaking the kiss, yanked the belt open and practically ripped his pants open to free his aching cock.
âWhat a lucky wife I am,â you purred, breaking the kiss, as your hand grasped his length. Your thumb traced over the bulbous head, smearing the precum pooling there, before bringing it back to your mouth for a little taste. âI get to experience this for the rest of my life.â
âDonât tease, darlinâ,â he growled low in his throat. âBesides, Iâm the lucky one. I have the sexiest wife.â
Pants and boxer briefs shoved to the floor, Joel ripped off his socks and swept you right off your feet. Your legs automatically wrapped around his hips as he walked to the large bed. Kneeling on the mattress, he never let go as he settled you on your back.
Already dripping for him, and too anxious to have him inside you already, you didnât need any foreplay to be ready. His cock slid, with torturous slowness, inside your warm walls with the slightest nudge of his hips. âFuck, darlinâ, youâre so tight,â he breathed against your neck, teeth scraping against the sensitive skin as he fucked into you.
A pleasurable burn spread through you, his cock splitting you open. âMmm, so good. Fuck me, dear husband. Fuck me like you mean it.â
âAs my wife wishes.â
Hips snapping, Joel set the perfect pace to bring you to the edge, heels digging into his ass with each powerful thrust. Fingernails scratched down his back, piercing the skin as he brought you to the peak, the orgasm causing your back to arch and muscles to spasm.
âFuck, baby, youâre squeezing my cock like a fuckinâ vise. Gonna make me come too soon.â
The orgasm seemed to last forever, pleasure washing over you in waves until you trembled beneath Joel. âItâs never too soon. Come for me, babe,â you gasped when the ability to speak finally returned.
Joelâs thrusts became sloppy near the tail end of your climax, and he spilled inside you as soon as the words left your mouth. His ragged breaths tickled your ear, sending gooseflesh down your body from neck to toes. Your name fell like a prayer from his lips, praising you for how good you made him feel.
âI love you, Mr. Miller,â you said, peppering his handsome face with kisses when he slipped from you and fell to the side with a heaving chest.
âAnd I love you, Mrs. Miller.â
You donât know where either of you found the energy, but you made love twice more that night and once again in the morning. After each time, you admired the sparkle of the rings adorning your left hands, the jewelry a tangible symbol of your commitment to each other in this life and the next.
âMom?â Sarah asked from where she sat doing homework at the breakfast bar while you made dinner. Joel would be home any minute.
âYeah, nugget?â You grinned, heart swelling every time she called you that. You lost count in the year since the wedding, but Sarah calling you mom would never get old. It was a treasure you never thought youâd experience before you met Joel.
âDo you and Daddy want more kids?â At twelve years old now, Sarahâs voice lost that babyish tone you used to love. She looked and sounded more grown up each day, but she was still her Daddyâs little nugget.
âI donât know, sweetheart. Weâve talked about the fact that I donât want to have a baby and he doesnât want one either. But I wouldnât be opposed to adopting a child in need, if he wanted to. Iâd have to talk to your dad about it though.â
Sarah went quiet while you stirred the pasta and checked the sauce. It was nearly ready, just another minute or two.
âWhy do you ask, kiddo?â
Sarah looked up from her work to meet your gaze and shrugged her shoulders in a way that told you she was searching for words to explain herself.
âI dunno. I guess I always thought it would be cool to have a sibling, but then all my friends that have one or more always complain about them.â
Tilting your head to the side, you dug a little more. âSo, youâre just curious?â
Dark puppy eyes gazed up at you again. âYeah⊠well, no. ThereâsâŠâ She paused as the timer went off and you drained the pasta and mixed it into the sauce.
âThereâs what?â you questioned, placing the large bowl of pasta on the table along with a plate of warm garlic bread, hearing Joelâs truck pull into the driveway. âCome sit and tell me.â
Before Sarah could begin, Joel walked in and kissed you both hello. He washed his hands at the kitchen sink before joining you at the table and you both listened with rapt attention as Sarah explained her friendâs situation.
âYou know my friend, Ellie?â she asked, to which you both nodded.
âThe snarky one in the grade below yours? Yeah, I like that one,â Joel replied around a mouthful of food. âWhat about her?â
Sarah grimaced at her fatherâs poor table manners, earning a smile from you before she continued. âWell, sheâs in foster care but her foster parents are awful. They drink a lot and donât care about her. She ends up hiding out in the detached garage all the time, even staying there overnight just to get away from them.â
âThatâs awful, nugget. Iâll look into her file on Monday, see if thereâs anything I can do,â you replied. You didnât realize she was in foster care. As a fifth grader, you havenât had her in class yet.
Joel looked at you with big cow eyes, brows arched in question. You could practically hear him thinking â he hated the thought of a child suffering in any way. Before either of you could say anything, Sarah spoke up again.
âWell, I was hoping maybe we could adopt her, and she could live with us,â she said hopefully. âYou know, since you donât want a baby and I still want a sibling. Itâs like a compromise or whatever.â
Turning to Joel, you could see the same hopefulness in his dark eyes, and your heart thudded in your chest. âWhy donât you invite her over for a sleepover this weekend so we can get to know her a little more. And in the meantime, weâll look into what weâd need to do.â
Dinner forgotten, Sarah bounced in her seat and asked for your phone to call Ellie. âYou guys are gonna love her, I promise!â Bounding away from the table to call her friend, Sarah stopped short at the edge of the room. âOh, Ellie loves dogs. Do you think we could adopt one of those, too?â
fin
Taglist: @mellymbee @untamedheart81 @anoverwhelmingdin @runningmom94 @leilanixx
@pedropascalfan221 @lovelyjess69 @sarahhxx03 @sofiparallel @tammythr
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@cuteanimalmama
#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel x female reader#the last of us#tlou#dbf!joel#pedro pascal#idiots in love#joel miller smut#joel miller fluff#joel miller angst#fic: fall into me
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The Last Goodbye
Spencer x reader drabble authors note: Hey guys!! This is the first time posting a fic I've written, so please let me know what you think!! all feedback it appreciated and welcomed!! Short write- Less then 500 words, but potential for a second part!! Not proofread either!! The reader isn't mentioned of gender- It's written in second person point of view. Theirs mention of yelling, a bit of toxicity and Spencer out of prison. It is angsty.
He's been more distant lately. You were growing more and more concerned about him. Ever since he got back from prison, he changed. He grew cold. Pushing you away. The constant fights, unable to even hear you. You tried, tried to your last bone in your body... but everyone has their breaking points. 4 years withering away like it was merely a facade.
Here he is. Dismissive and angry. Why is he shouting so loudly and incoherently? You asked him how his day was, and if he was alright, and then the split happened. Spencer is turning into this unrecognizable person, yelling at you for being too invasive, too pushy and nosey. You just wanted to help. And now he is screaming in your face...
Ring... Ring...
He answered the call in two rings, it takes him two calls to answer you. It was like his entire personality shifted... He was kinder, sweeter, understanding... reminds you of the Spencer you once knew... the one you lost.
He looks at you and answers the line... "Yeah I can make it in right now. I don't have anything special going on. Yeah, I know. I'll see you in 20 Emily."
He hung up the phone and spoke coldly, telling you he needed to go back to work, went into the bedroom and grabbed his to-go back, and went straight to the front door and left.
This time would be different, you knew it. You didn't weakly tell him goodbye and to be safe. No. No more of that. You've done it every time he left, but not today. Did he even notice that.? Probably not. He left, and it gives you at least one day to get everything out, at best 12 days. But you wouldn't risk taking your time. Straight to your room and grabbing all of your belongings, throwing them into your car. Questions swarm through your head. Where would you go. What will happen to the thing you can't fit in your car to bring. Would he care you left.? Would he notice your absence when he gets back.. Would he be happy. Maybe try to find you and try to change. Could he change back to the man he once was.. You hope he could go back to Spencer you fell...
Wait! No. Stop thinking about him. You're leaving him to be happier. Free. So then why does it feel like you have a 50 pound weight on your chest. It doesn't matter. You had to do this. You had to leave.. Staying would only make you loose your mind. Be driven to insanity. it's time to hurry. Not another night here. Booking a hotel for the night and going from there would be the safest option. It's already 11:27pm. You threw the rest of the belongings you could carry in your car, leaving quite a bit behind but you needed to prioritize what you took, went back and left your key on his counter and walked out the door..
Looking back one last time, leaving behind all the forgotten laughs, all the petty fights... Your new start begun now. As you started the engine of your car, you started your new chapter in life. A chapter of which you can only go up. Find joy once more. Backing out of his driveway, you knew you could never go back on what you're choosing. And so there you were, dead of night with the street lights to show you the way as you drove away from the empty shell, the once you once considered to be a warm and loving home..
A/n: Okay so I am debating on making a second part to this- or maybe like 2 different endings to the story.? A sad one and a happy one. But let me know what you guys want!! If I should leave it as is, or continue onto it. Anywho, thank you so much for reading my Drabble!! Means the world to me, but for now, goodbye my lovely cubs!! Till next time, have a wonderful day or night!! Better yet, both!!
#spencer reid#doctor spencer reid#spencer reid one shot#spencer reid scenario#spencer reid self insert#spencer reid thoughts#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid angst#dr spencer reid#Spencer reid x reader angst#x y/n#x reader#fyp#criminal minds#emily prentiss#Criminal Minds#criminal minds spencer reid#spencer reid series
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Hi! I really enjoyed your Yandere insomniac Peter and Harry headcanons! I was wondering if you could do more headcanons for them with a s/o with a chronic illness maybe? There is very little insomniac content out here T-T
A/N: I actually was going to write something like this. I hope you enjoy and please let me know if I got anything wrong. I tried to keep the chronic illness open enough so everyone can read this despite their specific diagnosis. Thank you for requesting.
Warnings: Yandere themes, mentions of brief infantilization and ableism, forced medication
I think in this scenario, Harry would be a lot more intense than Peter. Mainly because this hits very close to home for him. He lost his mom and almost his own life to chronic illness and he doesn't want that same fate for you.
Of course Peter would be a worry wort and very overbearing but I just feel like Harry would take it to extremes.
They both are obsessed with healing the world, but I think they have different definitions of it. Peter wants to rid the world of evil, he wants to see the good in everyone. Harry means it literally..He wants to heal all sickness in the world and he's starting with you.
Peter would be on board with this concept , anything to make his darling's life easier but if your illness isn't fatal and you are relatively okay with your life, he's not pushing treatment down your throat.
Harry doesn't really care if it's fatal or not or if you don't even care about treatment..you will be healed.
Harry is constantly in Emily-May trying to find different possible treatments and medications to help you. Like almost eighty percent of its money is going into your research. He's turned into his father where he's willing to do anything to make sure his family is healthy. He probably even gets support from his dad on this. At this point, Emily-May is like a second home. Everyone knows you and you know then, they probably have a little lounge room made just for you that's right next to their office.
Peter is more on the inventor side of things. He's constantly making new mobility aids, implementing new things to help you get around the house or town, he's even got you wearing something on your chest that monitors your vitals and alerts them of any changes or abnormalities.
Harry presents you with a new medication like every other week for you to try. He'll pretend to be understanding when you refuse but he's probably just sneak it into your food or drinks.
Dr. Curtis Conner visits you quite often, checking up on your health, reactions to medications and helping in any way he can.
On the bright side, Harry completely understands your feelings and what you're going through. He suffered through so much and always lends a listening ear. He's learned from his own experiences what someone dealing with chronic illness may need or want.
Peter is more keen on focussing on you more than being spiderman. Petty crimes and small tasks aren't his problem anymore. You come first unless he really has to save the city and you from destruction.
There are times where infantilization or unintentional ableism can occur. Often a direct result of their obsession and over-protectiveness. My sweet boys didn't mean to hurt your feelings and watching you get upset over something they said or did, makes them crumble. They are quick to apologize and make things better...but some things just aren't going to change. They both will keep trying to "help" you...even if they have to be sneaky about it.
I almost forgot, no, you aren't going out alone. In the last one they barely let their healthy S/O go out so you aren't either. New York can be so disgusting and unfriendly to those who need accessibility and the last thing they'd want is for you to get hurt or have something happen when they aren't there to get you to safety.
Neither are ashamed of you, even on your worst days, they'd proudly show you off. Their Instagrams are full of pictures of the three of you hanging out in bed, at parks or at the doctors, the caption is always the kindest thing. Anyone who has anything discouraging to say will see the ugly side of them. Spider-man might leave them hanging upside down from a light pole
So many of your days are spent in their arms and basking in their protection while you ride out your symptoms. They shower you with love and affection. It's so nice to be able to focus on the warmth of their loving words than to be alone while you're hurting.
Your boyfriends mean very well, they aren't trying to change you because of your illness but they just want to make sure the person who they love so dearly is healthy. Watching you cry out in pain, lose sleep and barely being able to move at times, hurts them. They have the money, resources and intelligence to help you..please let them.
#harry osborn x reader#ps5 harry osborn x reader#ps5 peter parker x reader#harry osborn ps5#headcanon#imagines#oneshot#x reader#yandere imagines#headcannons#yandere headcanons#fanfic#yandere marvel#marvel imagine#dark marvel#marvel headcanons#yandere mcu#insomniac harry osborn#insomniac peter parker#insomniac spiderman#insomniac games#yandere peter parker#peter parker x harry osborn#dark spiderman#spiderman x reader#yandere spiderman
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You donât have to thank me
Originally published on my wattpad: slvt4em1lyprenti2s
Summary: Emily is feeling a little insecure so reader comforts her.
Word Count: 1.1k
Fluff
Pairings: Emily Prentiss x fem!reader
!NOT PROOFREAD!
You and Emily are dating in secret (even though the team has basically figured it out)
Reader pov:
Today we had the bitchiest little boy in custody. Well, he wasn't a little boy, he was a fully grown man who needs to learn some basic manners and how to act his age.Â
He was caught red handed - literally - we caught him mid-stabbing the victim (who thankfully we saved) with blood all over his hand. And yet he still denied he did anything.Â
I'm going to smack his smug little face into the wall.
"Hey you okay over there?" I hear Derek say to me that snaps me out of my fantasies of beating the crap outta this guy.
"Yeah. I'm fine, this guy is just pissing me off. Classic misogynist just like we profiled but goddamn. I didn't think anyone could be this bad." I let out an exasperated sigh as Morgan sat down in the chair next to me.
"You know, I've seen you deal with much bigger dickheads than this guy, and you've been totally fine. You know what I think has gotten under your skin so much?" He smirks lightly as he's talking which makes me hesitant to ask what.Â
"What? Please do enlighten me." I say trying to stop myself from rolling me eyes at the shit-eating grin he has on his face.
"I think it's because he insulted your little girlfriend." I blush at the mention of Emily and he picks up on it instantly.
"I knew it! Hey, I'm not judging but, I think it may have gotten under her skin too so, go find her! Make her happy." He says with this time a genuine smile on his face as I stand up.
"Just not too happy." There it is. He's back.
"Ha, ha. Will do, but really. Thanks for letting me know." I reply as I walk away.
While I was walking I got held up in my thoughts a bit. Had that dig about her hair really got to her? I mean not that she's not allowed to be vulnerable but, I thought she loved it? Is she not happy with it?Â
I'm snapped out of my thoughts as I've reached the meeting room she's in. As if on autopilot I close the door behind me as I step in and walk over and sit on the chair next to her.Â
"Hi honey." She mumbles without even looking up, already knowing it was me. She was looking over the case file but, I could tell her head was somewhere else.
"Hey, how are you doing?" I was trying not to push her too much but I need to be able to help her if she is upset so before she could answer I continued. "Morgan told me you were a bit upset, you know, about what the UnSub said. If you are, which you shouldn't be because he's an arse, I just want to let you know that you are absolutely stunning my love and nothing can ever, and will never change that okay?" By this point she's turned her chair so our knees are interlinked and I've grasped her hands as she looks me in the eyes.Â
"I'm uhm- I'm not okay." she murmured tearily. I could see the older woman fighting back the tears threatening to spill and my heart breaks. How could someone so incredible, in every aspect of their life, feel so down about themselves?Â
"That's okay love, I'm proud of you for admitting that." I smile and squeeze her hands signalling for her to continue explaining why she's upset.Â
"The things he said, about my hair and looking old. They really got to me and I don't know why. I just- in all honesty I've never been sure about my decision to stop dying my hair. I mean I don't regret as such I just wish I didn't look so old. I feel like I look like a little old lady and most of all, it's made me think I don't deserve to be with you. You're quite a bit younger than me and you're gorgeous and, me? I'm none of that. So what he said today, just solidified those feeling." By the time she had finished I was wiping the last of her tears off of her cheeks. My heart aches for her and I wished she could see herself the way I see her.
"Sweetheart, please listen to me carefully when I say this. You are the most beautiful woman I know, and you do not look old, you look sexy and trust me, everyone thinks so. You're absolutely stunning em and I honestly wish you could see that. Nothing that twat said today is true, so don't listen to those thoughts saying you're not beautiful or not worthy because you are my love. Please believe me when I say it, let it go in one ear and out the other okay? And if anything, I don't deserve to be with you. You're the most precious person I've ever known and that fact I get to be your girlfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know what I need and when I need it, you know what I like and what I don't, and you love with your whole heart and Emily, you'll always be my girl no matter what okay?" As I finished my speech she instantly pulled me into a kiss.Â
It was slow and sensual, we poured all the emotions we had built up over that day into that kiss but most importantly, it showed me that she believed me. That she loves me and I love her, more than anything in this world.
As we pulled apart my hand was still on her cheek, my thumb caressing her cheekbone. We just sat there for a bit, looking at each other and basking in the other presence before she gently pulled me into a hug.
It was like it was two puzzle pieces slotting together. Her embrace was so comforting and I always feel safe whenever I'm in her arms.Â
I pull away and look her in the eye.
"C'mon, let's pack up and get on the jet as soon as we can so we can go home." I say as I take her hand and pull her to her feet after au stand up.
 She presses a soft kiss to my lips before she pulls away and looks me deep in the eyes.
"Love?" She speak softly.
"Yes?" I say.
"Thank you, I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you." she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.
"You don't have to thank me honey, it's what I'm here for. I love you too."
#emily prentiss x reader#emily prentiss#emily prentiss x you#emily prentiss x y/n#emily prentiss x female reader#wlw#lesbian#sapphic#lesbian pride#wlw fanfic#wlw pride#criminal minds#bau#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds fic
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CREATOR TAG GAME
yayyyy happy new year my loves!!
thank you for tagging me char @cressidascowper pick your 5 favorite gif sets of 2024 that got less than 1k notes and then pick 10 gifsets of someone else's that got less than 1k notes.
mine:
this johanna and finnick set for thg week! i rarely ever try greens so this was a great exercise. plus shameless letterboxd review insert i had the time of my life making it (even though i think it's on the simpler side)
rhaenicent + august! my beloveds <3 i actually was so relieved finishing thisâmainly bc i'd been working on it since last year but couldn't be satisfied with the coloring + typography (real ones remember it was in my new year's clean up last year). i'm so glad i waited for s2 to air though because it really made the lyrics more cohesive . freaks. (also i remembered seeing the lyric "change" on swiftietok and hated it so. bad . like so bad. but was like wait but so fitting for rhaenicent so. i caved! #noregrets)
rhaenicent + sad beautiful tragic. this was the first edit i made for that week in preparation and that last gif was what led to my idea for day one (paternity test). rhaenyra's the father bitch! also i'm proud of myself for making the first gif bc that's emily in lost girls ! and now she riding syrax instead of flying to neverland. love me brain <3
rhaenicent + fics ! fic writers the backbone of our society i love them sooooooo much i'll probably end up doing another one! i know some of the authors saw the set but i hope all of them know how hard i'm clutching their fics to my chest
this is truly the rhaenicent show (i have an addiction). anyway last one is this super simple rhaenicent edit! it's slightly au but placing alicent watching rhaenyra play with her children i'm sick to my stomach and i literally made it. thank you aish (@alicenthighstower) for dealing with me in those trying times
others:
@maxanor's gorgeous gorgeous sejanus -> katniss edit. i remember falling to my knees when i saw that omg. the black and white to bright saturated orange is insane, my teeth ache just looking at it. beautiful work hannah!
one of the most deplorable (endearing) edits i've seen this year is this jackieshauna set by miss becca it girl @nataliescatorccio herself. first of all anyone who knows me knows red + black + white is my favorite color combo so this was an immediate hit. this edit......took my breath away (also bc i was dry heaving from the #pain!)
this padme and sabe edit by char @cressidascowper........lorddddd don't even get me started i wanted to throw up! i love muted colors so much (i rarely ever attempt bc idk. it never looks right when i try) but char......your coloring on this i'm gonna scream! and the quote! i'm screaming. absolutely insane chef's kiss
this anakin skywalker set that erika @padme-amidala (come home the kids (me) miss you <33) made....this has been one of my favorite poems since like...high school. like at some point i had it as my lockscreen. i love this mf poem. and so when i saw anakin skywalker ??? to this poem ????? the scream i scrumpt. need her to come back and bless my eyes again...
itty bitty baby aish made this swanqueen edit, and it almost influenced me to rewatch ouat. the coloring is exquisite and the quote ....and the shots you chose.......lordddddd it sent me into a downward spiral i opened up swanqueen's page on ao3 just to feel something again
anyway thanks for tuning in! tagging everyone mentioned (unless they already did this, then. whatever) love you all and can't wait to see what you guys have in store for 2025 (break my heart, i'll still love you <3)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
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Hi!! I love your writing!! Especially on SDV and Emily!! If you are open to requests, cloud you do one were the reader divorced Haley bc she realized she ended up in love and connection more with Emily? How would she react? Happy ending pliz đ«°đ»
nature abhors a vacuum
pairing: sdv emily x reader (sdv haley & reader)
synopsis: after a failed marriage, you realise your heart always belonged to emily ⥠i did change the req ever-so-slightly but i hope you still enjoy this drabble, anon !!
warnings: slight angst, mention of divorce / heartbreak. happy ending !!
word count: 0.7k
âIâll be fine on my own,â Haleyâs voice is honeyed and sombre, yet still wrapped in the effervescent charm of her Valley girl accent, âThanks for the memories, just go⊠live your own life.â
Her smile is bittersweet as she tucks a strand of displaced golden hair behind her ear; quietly, she leaves.
Time always seems to stand still during moments like this, during endings; during heartbreak. The rain that pours from the dark clouds above seems pathetically appropriate. It feels as though barbed wire is tugging at your throat as you push the tears backâ it was silly really, this was a mutual divorce.
For weeks now, you and Haley had been at odds: at first, silly arguments about movies and music. Then, inevitably, disagreements about taste became fights about chores; fights became nights alone on the living room sofa. Turns out there is a difference between loving someone and liking them; living with you, being by your side 24/7, made Haley realise thatâ although she cares about you immenselyâ she doesnât particularly like you.
But then there was Emily.
Vibrant, passionate, she breaths life into the shadows of your existence. With Emily, conversations are more than just words; they're connections. Her laughter is a melody that fills the air with warmth. Her presence lifts the weight of the world, replacing it with a sense of peace you haven't known in years.
You didnât realise how much you needed somebody like that until you met her. The dejected look she would wear when watching you flirt with her sister was lost on you completely; the gifts Emily painstakingly made for you were received platonically.
You pick up one of Emilyâs handmade gifts that lay neglected on your sofa: a cardigan knitted from the softest wool, dyed in your favourite colour. Running your fingers over the soft fabric, you discovered a small detail: a custom label on the hem of the cardigan, embroidered with a heart.
A blush warms your cheeks before the realization hits.
Youâre in love with Emily.
Slipping into the cardigan, you sprint out of your farmhouse. You feel the unrelenting rain soak your skin as your dog barks out in the distance; your boots splash in the puddles along the dirt path to town.
As you enter the town square, you see Emily rush towards the Stardrop Saloon with her coat pulled over her head, protecting herself from the rain youâre soaking in.
âEmâ! Thereâs something I need to tell you,â you shout, voice barely louder than the rain as you approach the saloon, âSomething I should have told you a long time ago.â
Emilyâs eyes widen as she looks towards you, âOh Yoba, youâre soaked! W-What is it?â
âI⊠I love you, Emily. I think Iâve loved you for a very long time, but I was too scared to admit it. Youâre the most amazing person Iâve ever met, and I just⊠I canât imagine my life without you.â You exhale softly as you tuck a strand of azure hair behind her ear, âEverything you used to tell me about soulmates and fate⊠I just wanted to tell you that whatever happens now, my soul belongs to you. It always has.â
Emilyâs breath caught in her throat, her cheeks flushed with surprise and disbelief. âYou⊠you love me?â
With a surge of emotion, you closed the distanceâ your soft lips meeting hers in a passionate kiss that spoke volumes more than your words ever could. Your hand nestles in her soft hair, and you feel her pull you closer with a tug of your cardigan.
As you finally pull away, breathless and dizzy, Emily looks up at you with a beaming smile, âI love you too, of course... Cute cardigan by the way.â
#one of the lines from this fic was taken straight from my last breakup.. art imitates life or whatever âïž#sdv emily#sdv haley#sdv emily x reader#sdv x reader#sdv fanfic#stardew valley x reader#stardew valley fanfic#stardew valley#sdv#sdv harvey x reader#stardew valley emily#stardew valley emily x reader#sdv emily x farmer#sdv haley x reader#sdv haley x farmer#sdv emily x y/n#sdv emily x you#ao3 writer
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Aaron Hotchner & CM Content Creator Spotlight

Good evening, loves! I hope you are all having a good start to your week. I just wanted to take a moment to shout out some of the amazing content creators that I see putting out the most breathtaking, content related to Aaron and Criminal Minds in general.
The fact that we get this content, for free, never ceases to amaze me. Iâm lucky to interact, read, and view your work every day. It really does help my writing and makes my days a 100 times better. And an extra special shoutout to my moots (yâall are so keen! â€ïž) Please check these awesome people out and give them a follow if you are so inclined. I will continue adding accounts to this list as I find them. See the list under the cut [accounts not listed in any order]
Creators who Write for Aaron & the BAU All fics mentioned are linked
@criminalskies - They have lots of Aaron-centered fics that are so comforting.
My favorite work of theirs: âIn Your Orbitâ Part I and Part II. I still havenât recovered from these.Â
@luveline - She has lots of Aaron content and some Spencer fics as well. She also posts for other fandoms like Stranger Things and The Mauraders. Her use of tone and diction always blow me away.Â
My favorite work of hers: âIf Things Go Badâ
@little-diable - A truly prolific writer! The consistency in style is incredible. She also writes for Harry Potter and Peaky Blinders (thank you, thank you, thank you!)
My favorite work of hers: âFor You, alwaysâ [18+]
@softhairedhotch - He shares lots of Aaron head canons and ideas that get my writing juices going.Â
My favorite works of his: âcold caseïżœïżœ and the âTrans masc Aaron headcannonsâ â This is still making me want to give him a hug and go to a pride parade with him and Jack!
@ssahotchnerr - When I read her stuff I just kick my feet and scream into my pillow. Her Aaron stuff sends me. I love the fics with fluff so much.Â
My favorite work of hers: âSleeplessâÂ
@winterscaptain - To say that her series A Joyful Future actually changed my life is an understatement. I go back to it again, and again, and again. Iâll link the master list here (link) but if you want to literally feel like you are really married to Aaron, then give the series a read.Â
I like all of Taliâs work, but Iâm extra partial to âThough and Thoughâ and âBerry Hillâ
@itsrainingreid - Iâm still pretty new to this blog, but the fic âRideâ [18+] sold me instantly. I canât stop thinking about it. I look forward to reading more of your work.Â
@mandarinmoons is a very sweet Spencer Reid fic writer! All of their stuff is amazing and comforting! I like their story Office Romance
Creators that share Screencaps and InspoÂ
@milla984 A L W A Y S comes through with the Aaron screen caps. Literally my hero!
@hotchs-big-hands [18+ account. Minors DNI!] Her nsfw Aaron inspo content does things to me.Â
@hotch-girl The way I keep saving her pictures like I need to have the whole set. [I need the whole set]
@sadgirlzluvdilfs [18+ account. Minors DNI!] A generally lovely person who always posts/reposts good Aaron/Thomas content! It's a joy to hang out on her blog.
@hancydrewfan Always shares the Emily content I need.Â
@littlecarmine Has amazing CM photos. Always clear and good quality. And they share photos of the whole team!
@pennyspearl Amazing vingate-esque photos of the whole team. Their pictures are such a vibe!
Creators that make Prompts and also WriteÂ
@imagining-in-the-margins It was her Meet Cute Writing Challenge prompts that got me writing again. I cannot thank you enough for that. Her prompts have really helped me get my writing mojo back.
Criminal Minds Artists
@k1ngari
@lilliesthings Soft pastel aesthetic of Spence, Em, Garcia, and Derk. What more could you ask for? Nothing in my book.
@weirdlybeans Super cute art of Hotch! I love their work!
@hannaloony So cute and cozy digital art. I want all of your pieces as prints!
Creators that share the Dark Academia Aesthetic [my aesthetic]Â
@optimistic-nihilist
@peacefulandcozy Maybe more soft academia / mori kie than dark academia, but I still find it very aesthetic!
@flowersforfrancis Always shares great dark academia content
@shakespearesdaughters I use their images with almost every mood board I make. I would be helpless without them.
@cafekitsune has the cutes text breaks and dividers on here. Her work has been a gamechanger for my page. Please check her out if you are into aesthetics on your blog! Remi I love you so much.
Text Break Banners by @cafekitsune
#criminal minds#fanfiction#ssa aaron hotchner#emily prentiss#spencer reid#aaron hotcher#criminal minds shoutout#cm#reader insert#fanficion#Is aaron a shared delusion?#i love my moots#reading recommendations#fic recommendations#criminal minds art#aesthetic#spencer x reader#aaron x reader#emily x reader#levi fic recs#talented people alert!
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Random thoughts on We're in Love (or "Your average Italian girl has had an awful week and Boygenius' love saves her ass again"):
So, I've been listening to the Boys and to their solo stuff the whole week (for the past 5 months, to be honest... but who's counting?) and I've been going crazy lately for the beauty of We're in Love.
I think we can all acknowledge that that song is one of the greatest songs in "The Record" and one of the best ever written. And then I started bawling, when my mind got stuck on its lyrics and realised just how heartbreaking and beautiful it is.
This will be kind of my personal analysis (also inspired by some suggestions here and there... thank you to all the geniuses around that have noticed certain things. I wish I could write down all your names, but my memory is awful), so if you disagree with it or feel the need to add something, do it. I'd be happy to meet more Boygenius fans!
Ok, I'd like to begin with the third and fourth line of the first verse, where Lucy sings: "I don't need the symbol of a scar/ So put down the knife, we're not swapping blood". And yet, in "The film", Julien still takes a blood oath with the young versions of Lucy and Phoebe. I think that this was such an interesting choice to make, considering the difference between the words and the actions. This actually makes sense though, when underlining that 20$ is Julien's song and these words belong to Lucy.
Julien, as her solo albums readily witness, has no real problem with hurting herself ('Cause I'm so good at hurting myself - Brittle Boned) both physically and psychologically. We also know, from 20$, that she does believe in being connected to Phoebe and Lucy in every universe or life (In another life we were arsonists). Lucy does too with them (And I told you of your past lives; In the next one [life], will you find me? - We're in Love). Same goes for Phoebe, even though it's a little more subtle with her. In fact, more than believing in other lives, she seems to believe in changing herself in the present life, so much that, even though Emily I'm Sorry is her song, she has decided to sing it with her best friends, because, maybe, she'd rather be someone that can be loved by them in particular and not someone only Emily "could want".
To better understand the scar line/imagery, I think it important to notice that Julien doesn't take the blood oath with her adult friends but with their younger selves. In my opinion, it's like a machine has brought them in Julien's universe or timeline to help her get out of her home, which, listening to her music, is a synonym of recovery or at least of a better state of mind (in Go Home and Please Stay, it is quite clear: "I wanna go home, I'm sick", while in Graceland Too she finally gets out once she's feeling better). But, not belonging there (and we know they don't thanks to Julien's surprised expression when she sees little Phoebe), pehaps she's afraid that she'll lose them once they're done with the car, therefore asking them to do that oath. Childhood scars never fully leave us, so Julien might be convinced that it'll help adult Phoebe and Lucy to remember her, once they meet as intended or hoped.
When you think about it, the layers here are so many that it's scary. Scars have always at least a touch of negativity, even when you get them for something not negative per se (I have so many scars I got from running around as a child...), because they always follow pain. Julien and Phoebe have dealt with it their whole life and have actively put themselves through it more than once, so of course Julien chooses to use a knife (which also brings us back again to Please Stay: "The hunting knife you kept by your bed". I don't think the mention in We're in Love is a coincidence) against herself if it means being sure Phoebe and Lucy know it's her. But Lucy stops her for two main reasons:
Julien won't have to wait for them to find her, because she and Phoebe will, according to Lucy, be the ones going to her, if they want to (Will you find me?);
Instead of remembering each other through something painful, they could use the happy and positive memories they've shared in this life. Lucy once again wants to do everything in her power to dismantle her friends' self-destructive tendencies and replace them with something good (even the "happy" in Letter to an Old Poet was her suggestion).
Moving on to the next lines (Isn't it enough that we stripped down to our skin?/ Cold and porcelain like bathers in a painting), the beauty of this specific portrait delivered by Lucy kind of proves the point just made. Saying that the skin is "cold" and "porcelain" delivers a poetic image of extreme fragility that could be both literal or figurative and it shows just how much they trust each other. What Lucy appears to be pointing out is that she doesn't need any more pain to believe they're in love with each other, since they've already done the great sacrifice of showing themselves when they were most vulnerable (something they're still learning to do, according to recent interviews).
In Lucy's specific case (And I told you of your past lives, every man you've ever been/ It wasn't flattering, but you listened like it mattered), I'd go as far as to think that she did that by letting Phoebe and Julien listen to the stories of her past friendships or even relationships, telling them whom she had had by her side before them. She sings that that tale wasn't flattering: why? If I had to express myself on that, I'd guess, by her albums, that, just like any other human being, even Lucy has had a lot of troubled bonds with people she might have wrongly thought were as true and loyal to her as the Boys are now (take Strange Torpedo, Nonbeliever or Brando as examples). My personal take on this part is that she hasn't tried to tell Phoebe and Julien who they've been in the past, but to confess them who had had their roles in her life previously, feeling perhaps embarassed by it. But they're in no way bored or mad at her for that, listening, however, "like it mattered" (quoting True Blue: "It doesn't matter anymore", 'cause they're together now, but it is still important to her that they are paying attention to this part of her story).
She also admits being open to them about her own insecurities, especially the fear of being or seeming crazy (I feel crazy in ways I never say/ Will you still love me if it turns out I'm insane?/ I know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway), making herself vulnerable by exposing this side of her she usually keeps hidden in hope of being reassured by them, which they've probably done a thousand times already.
Long story short, coming to the end of the first chorus: Lucy loves and values them for the trust they've put in each other and no scar will ever match that feeling. I have a lot more to say about the rest of the song, but this is mostly me ranting about it, so I'll see how it goes. Sorry for all of this :P
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163 (11/19 late)
Oh God. I can't quite put all the words together yet to accurately describe how this feels, or what I'll do with myself. I don't know. Grieve, I guess, as we all are. Change. Let go. But oh, God.
I skipped writing one of these for my last visit back in August, which of course I now regret. I wish I had written everything down, every visit. But alas. Anyway, back in August dear wonderful Emily Oldak surprised me and showed up as matron. And if that's the last time I enter that hut, OK. OK.
Mostly I spent this visit walking around and shaking. I thought I'd feel compelled to do everything, see everything, start my goodbyes, but I wasn't. I couldn't cry, either, because I was just happy to be there, in those dearly beloved familiar halls that have formed so much of the landscape of my life over the past 12 years. It's been somewhere to hide, somewhere to celebrate, grieve, and be safe. Looking back over past recaps, the word I used most to describe this place was "sturdy." It was a place where, no matter what was happening on the outside, I could say, "Well, at least I've got...." And losing that is scary.
I had this overwhelming urge to hug the walls, as in quite literally wrap my arms around them and hold on for dear life. Thank you, beloved old friend, thank you.
One of my favorite residents is the coyote in the fifth floor laundry room. I have a vivid memory of being so startled by him on my first visit that I screamed. Over the years I've often stopped by to give him nose scratches or pets, but this time I sat next to him on the floor, wrapped my arms around his neck, and just sat there for as long as I could without looking like a lunatic. Was nice to have something to cling to. I've never noticed before that he has a friend who stands on top of the lockers.
I've become obsessed with what I've never noticed, and with the feeling that as time slips away from us there will always be things I never knew, pieces I never put together, things that were obvious to everyone else that I never figured out. That never used to stress me out before. I guess I figured we'd always have time.
Aaron Samuel Davis is a wonderful Boy Witch. It's been years since I saw the pool table solo, and even longer since I saw the shower scene. Do all Boy Witches throw their shoes in the sink?
My first love, believe it or not, was Bald Witch. She's not really someone I've paid all that much attention to since reopening, but I like Micaela so I stayed after the first ball to watch her dance with Macduff. It never occurred to me that the bird cry is likely Hecate calling her up to the fourth floor
I love you, green light that sweeps down during the rave.
Taylor is a great nurse - the first I've ever seen bust out the maskography.
As I usually do when shows are crowded, I spent most of my time on my favorite floor drifting around and reading patient files. There was a new one I'd never seen - Sara Matthews, who poisoned all her children and now keeps muttering something about her mother and a lighthouse. Her husband's name is Jonathan but she'll freak out if you mention him. She's receiving regular shock treatment.
I spent some time just sitting on Lady Macduff's bed in their apartment downstairs. How have I never noticed they have a front door? Anyway, I sat there squinting at her Latin Bible passages and the spray of dried flowers above her bed. I've never really questioned why the Macduffs sleep in separate beds, though of course I've always known they do. I only just recently learned the meaning of the pin candle, too. She's waddling proof that their sex life is somewhat intact, but I don't think it's a coincidence that she has the bedroom of a little girl, or that the flowers above her bed are all dead. Beautiful drunken pregnant lady, I will miss you most of all. Anyway, as I was sitting there, I turned and saw a doorway full of white masks staring at me.
No matter what I do I can't shake the feeling that this will end and I will somehow have never understood this place, never have done it "correctly," never actually seen what's in front of me. And as time slips away from us (as, of course, it's been doing all these years), I feel compelled to stuff as many visits between me and the end as possible. Which is to say I'll be there Saturday late.
At some point between now and 1/28 I'll probably end up on the floor somewhere just muttering, "I love you, don't leave me," but we're not there just yet.
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7 for the ask đđđ
I really had to stop and meditate on this one for a second because Iâve read some romances recently that made me realize how much my tastes have changed over the years.
What kind of common romance tropes do you enjoy and what kind do you dislike?
Friends to Lovers â I hesitate to list this as a favorite anymore because it can so easily go off the rails. Friends to Lovers almost always includes Other Man/Other Woman tropes while the aforementioned Friends figure out their feelings for each other which Iâm not necessarily a fan of. Sometimes it can get a little too melodramatic, but other times it really worked for me like in People We Meet on Vacation or Love & Other Words. Similarly, thereâs an absolutely gorgeous Katniss/Peeta modern AU fanfic called Love Is⊠that contains just the right amount of angst, coupled with a beautiful, tender, emotional friendship between Everlark and really highlights the strengths of the trope for me.
Pen pals/Epistolary â perhaps itâs just the inherent romance of epistolary communication or the fact that Iâve had so many long distance relationships, but man do I love pen pals or any form of love letters. Some of my favorite pen pal romances have been Divine Rivals, The Flatshare, Hana Khan Carries On, and The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society. Honorable mention to the love letters in Red, White, & Royal Blue and these fanfics: Fauxmance, a Dramione fanfic that consists of a majority of text-versations but the banter is incredible, and The Snowflake Effect, which is also Dramione.
Forced proximity/innocent cohabitation â I donât even know WHY but if I consider a good chunk of my favorite ships (Elorcan & Feysand, for instance), some manner of âoh damn now we have to team upâ happens. Then they fall hard and I eat it up every time?? I have no explanation, Iâm sorry.
Rejected by former lovers/family â I only recently realized that I go nuts over characters who follow this journey to finding their ride or die true love, who chooses them over and over again. Notable examples are Jacks of OUABH and Cardan from TFOTA.
Sworn off romance â another recently realized favorite, but I do really love it when one or both characters have given up/sworn off/arenât particularly interested in romance and then they find their person. Emily Wildeâs Encyclopaedia of Faeries has this in spades.
Everyone can see it â I think this is more of a subcategory but I go absolutely feral when everyone can see that two characters are in love with each other while those said characters are in denial. Itâs ALWAYS a fun time. It ALWAYS makes me lose my shit. Give me ALL the âeveryone can see itâ storylines.
As for things I donât enjoy⊠itâs tricky to say because I can be talked into almost anything. For instance, I never thought Iâd like an amnesia story, and then I read mightbewritingâs Wait and Hope and my entire life was changed. (But Iâm not sure I would enjoy that in a contemporary romance book). Similarly, Iâve never been a fan of one night stand, surprise pregnancy storylines but Out on a Limb was one of my coziest reads of the year. I can say I donât like any manner of cheating or unrequited love. Iâve also never been particularly keen on billionaire romance, love triangle, âyouâve changedâ (where the story revolves around a couple on the rocks but they work it out).
Phew!! This turned into .. an essay đ«Ł Wow! I really like talking about stories, apparenrly đ
Thank you!!! đ«¶đŒđ«¶đŒ
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Fall Into Me - Chapter Four: Until I had met you there was no sun in my sky
dbf!Joel x f!reader
Summary: Joel is hanging on by a thread as a single father to a tenacious 10-year-old Sarah. Feeling like he's drowning, like the world is about to spit him out, he needs some help before he breaks in half. At your dad's insistence, you show up in his life and change everything.
Story is inspired by the song Fall Into Me by Forest Blakk. Chapter titles will be lyrics from the song.
Word Count: 3.5k
Chapter Warnings: Mature, under 18 take a hike. No outbreak AU. Lots of feelings, confusion, and self doubt. Two idiots falling and pining for each other, but there's a little bit of progress. Tommy is the hero in this chapter. Age gap of about 9 years (Reader 24/25, Joel 33/34). No use of y/n. Reader has a nickname used only by her dad. Emily is modeled after my sister and JB is based on my dad, who used to try setting me up with his younger work buddies when I was in my 20s :)
Dividers by the wonderful @saradika-graphics
Thank you for reading this little tale! I did not expect all the love - my heart is fit to burst over all the wonderful comments and reblogs!
Chapter Three | Main Masterlist
Sleep evaded Joel Saturday night, his mind unable to shut down and rest. He spent half the night searching for words to fit what he was experiencing. The right one didnât occur to him until nearly five oâclock in the morning.
Turmoil.
That was the perfect word to describe the utter confusion and uncertainty boiling inside him.
His date went about as well as could be expected when one wasnât particularly interested in the other person. There was conversation, but it mostly revolved around Annica and her interests. She asked a few polite questions about Joel but didnât seem too interested in his responses. To be fair, they were short and rather ineloquent, but he barely had the chance to talk about Sarah before the woman changed the subject. She was also very much not his type.
She wasnât you.
Thatâs the part which caused the most turmoil.
Joel didnât realize how quickly he was falling for you until he was on a date with someone else. It somehow felt like a betrayal toward you, even though you and Joel werenât together. Even though you didnât even know that he liked you, more than liked you.
This entire thing was eating him up inside, all your interactions since Friday, but especially the way you bolted from him last night. He didnât understand what happened until he checked out his face in the mirror, your parting comment finally making sense.
Annica had kissed him goodnight when he dropped her off. He knew she wanted more, at least a real kiss, but he offered nothing other than a loose hug and brief thanks for joining him. So, she pressed her painted lips to his cheek for several moments too long, subtly trying to turn his face toward hers, before he finally stepped back and walked away. He didnât even wait for her to get into her house safely.
To his dismay, she left a clear and distinct reminder of her on his cheek that he was not aware of until you mentioned it. His face burned with the feeling of being marked like territory, and the worst part was you saw it. Who the fuck knew what you thought of him now.
Joel needed advice, someone to talk this all through with. If the situation didnât involve you, he would have gone to you for advice. You were so easy to talk to and he opened up more easily with you than he had with anyone else in his entire life. But that was out of the question for⊠obvious reasons.
Your dad was equally as easy to talk to, a quality you must have inherited from him. But he couldnât turn to JB about this for the same obvious reasons.
That left his brother. Tommy would give Joel a good ribbing about all this. Joel wasnât ashamed to admit that his brother had more practical experience with dating and complicated relationships, especially recently, than he did. It was time to capitalize on all of Tommyâs shenanigans.
Dangerously under-caffeinated and bleary-eyed, Joel made bacon, eggs, and pancakes for the usual Sunday morning family breakfast. Tommy joined them a little after nine oâclock and helped himself to the spread. He knew better than to ask Joel about his date in front of Sarah, so the younger brother made quiet conversation with Sarah as Joel sipped at his coffee. She told him all about her adventure to the movies with you and how much she loved hanging out with you, how smart you were, and how pretty.
A stupid grin spread over Joelâs face as his daughter spoke about you. He could feel Tommyâs narrowed gaze burning into the side of his head, which he ignored until Sarah finished her food and ran off to play a video game in the living room.
âYou gonna make me ask?â Tommy grinned at Joel as he cleared the table. Joel merely quirked a brow and focused on washing the dishes. âFine, ya olâ grumpy ass. How was the date?â
âWas alright. She talked, a lot,â Joel emphasized, âand mostly about herself. We donât have much in common other than we like to eat. The movie she picked to see was God awful. Iâd rather have seen the other movie with Sarah.â
âReally?â Tommy placed the last of the dirty flatware next to the sink, watching as Joel scrubbed each item before rinsing it off. âAnnica texted me that she had a wonderful time and hoped thereâd be a second date. Asked if I could put in a good word for her. Guess thatâs not happeninâ.â
âThereâd be no point. Sheâs not who Iâm interested in.â The words were out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying, and he cringed when Tommy latched right on them.
âOhhhh, and who might you be interested in, dear brother?â The shit-eating grin on the younger brotherâs face let Joel know that Tommy already had an idea on who piqued his interest. âCouldnât be JBâs hot little daughter, could it? You going cradle robbinâ now?â
Punching his brother in the arm, hard, Joel growled. âI ainât robbinâ any cradles, asshole. Sheâs only about nine years younger than me.â
âOh, is that all?â Tommy teased, rubbing his arm to soothe the sting.
âDonât get me started on how you almost got busted for statutory rape last year, dickhead.â
âHey now, Iâm just teasing. Donât get your panties all in a bunch.â Tommy surrendered, adding a grumbled, âAnd you know damn well that wasnât on purpose. That girl looked 25! She sure had me fooled.â
Joel nodded, heading out to the back patio with another cup of coffee. Tommy followed, stopping briefly to grab a can of soda from the fridge. The pair sat quietly listening to the sound of songbirds singing the songs of their people before Joel finally spoke.
âI feel like an idiot asking this, but how do you tell if a woman is into you?â
Tommy nearly spilled soda all down the front of himself, the question caught him so off-guard. âWhadda ya mean?â he spluttered, trying not to choke on the carbonated liquid.
Rolling his big brown eyes with a huff, Joel glared at his brother. âI mean just what I said. Iâm so outta practice with this. I keep second guessinâ everything. I just donât knowâŠâ
Taking pity on his older brother, Tommy refrained from razzing him further. He was intrigued by this version of his brother who lacked self-confidence, so different from the over-confident man Joel used to be, at least when it came to women.
âJust so I understand, do you want to know how to tell if any woman is into you or a specific woman?â
Brows pulling together, Joel stared at Tommy blankly for a moment. âDoes it make a difference?â
Tommyâs lips spread into a wide grin, deep brown eyes sparkling mischievously. âIt sure as hell does, brother. There are few key ways to tell with most women, but if itâs a specific woman youâre curious about, I may have some intel.â
The struggle to hide his overwhelming curiosity on the âintelâ his brother had was a losing game, and Joel relented, his cheeks growing hot as he uttered the words. âFine. Itâs JBâs daughter.â
The room stilled as the brothers stared at each other, the grin on Tommyâs face growing impossibly wider until nearly all his pearly whites were on display. âI knew it! You dirty dog.â
âTommy,â Joel growled, drawing out the two syllables until his brother sat back in his chair with a satisfied smirk.
âFine, no razzinâ.â Tommy grumbled. He waited a few beats until Joel grew even more uncomfortable. âSheâs into you, too.â
Joel perked up at that. âThatâs your intel? How do you know?â
Looking around the backyard, Tommy thought of all the times heâd been around and caught you ogling his brother when you thought no one was watching, but none rivaled that time in the kitchen when you stared as Joel pulled his tee shirt off to put in on right side out. Tallying it all up in his mind, Tommy was certain that you had a thing for his brother. And now, it seemed he had a thing for you, too.
The question Tommy had now was, would either of you do anything about it?
With recent history as proof, he had his doubts.
Perhaps it was time to give you each a little nudge.
âItâs in the way she looks at you, all wide-eyed with wonder, like sheâs imagining what itâd be like to be with you. I flirted with her for nearly an hour one day and she never looked at me like that once.â Tommy smirked at the glassy look that overcame his brotherâs eyes. âWell, that and the drool dripping down her chin every time she sees you.â
âYeah⊠wait, what?â It took a moment for Joel to catch on. âFuckinâ asshole, I swear. She doesnât drool when she looks at me.â
Laughter rumbled from deep within Tommyâs chest. âShe might as well do with as into you as she is. Iâm telling you, pay attention to how she is around you and youâll see.â
The brothers fell silent again with Joelâs thoughts drowning in you. If what Tommy said was true, then you must be hurting over the fact that he went on a date with someone else, more so since you also saw him on that date. Already feeling like such a dick, worry over you weighed more heavily on him this morning. He had to fix this, but how?
Part of Joel wanted to rush over to JBâs and check on you, but the other part was terrified of how that would work out, especially if your dad was home and wanted to know why his best friend was frantic to see his daughter.
Shit. JB. Joel still needed to figure out how to navigate that part of this entire situation. The two of you could like each other all day long, but how would JB react?
Joel envisioned several scenarios that ended with him getting his nose bashed in by your old man. He wasnât looking forward to that.
âWhat about JB?â Joel finally broke the silence, looking once again to his younger brother for guidance. âIf Iâm gonna do this, I want to do it right.â
Placing his empty bottle on the patio table between them, Tommy nodded. âOk. Letâs think about this. Do you always check with a chickâs dad before askinâ her out?â
ââCourse not, but this is different.â
âI get that but hear me out. What if you try before you buy?â Tommy asked.
Joel immediately stiffened. âIâm not gonna just fuck her before asking her on a date. Jesus, Tommy.â Not that he didnât want to fuck you⊠he most certainly did, but Joel wanted to do this right. He wanted more than just sex. He wanted something meaningful, and he suspected you would as well.
âThatâs not what I meant, asshole. Ya can quit clutchinâ your pearls like you ainât banged a chick before the first date before.â
âTommy,â Joel growled again. Little brothers were the worst no matter what age they were.
âJeez, alright, fine. Youâre really into her, I get it. Iâm not sayinâ sleep with her first. Iâm suggestinâ you ask her out and see where this is goinâ before you go to JB with your tail between your legs, is all.â Tommy explained, already getting fed up with how easily Joel got his feathers ruffled.
Considering the advice, and ignoring his brotherâs snippy tone, Joel bobbed his head in a nod. âThatâs not a bad idea, actually.â
âIâm full of good ideas, sometimes. I got another one, actually. Get your grumpy ass to the store and buy some new shirts. Everything you own is at least ten years old and worn down. You need to dress better if youâre gonna date a younger woman.â
Another point to Tommy. He sure was racking them up.
âFine. I fuckinâ hate to admit it, but youâre right,â Joel grumbled, looking down at the tee shirt he was wearing. It used to be black and faded to a cloudy gray from years of wearing and washing. âYou mind watchinâ Sarah for a while so I can run to the mall?â
âNot at all, brother. I was hoping to watch the game on your flat screen anyway.â Tommy led the way back inside the house.
Emily: Sounds like you need some retail therapy, asap.
The pair of you spent the past hour texting about Joelâs date the night before. Emilyâs emoji reactions were priceless as you recounted seeing them together at the movie theater and she was pissed on your behalf when you told her about the lipstick mark on his cheek. The conversation came full circle before Emily suggested the retail therapy.
You: Omg do I ever. Mall?
Emily: I canât âč Ed wants my help with the garden. Again. I swear, I hate this fucking garden.
You: Booo. How dare you pick your husband over me
Emily: I gotta go with the one who has the bigger dick. Ur girl has needs u know that đ
You: Yeah yeah. Chat later?
Emily: You bet. Have fun. Buy lots!
An hour later, you walked through Barton Creek Square, window shopping with a chocolate smoothie clutched in your hand. Not sure exactly what you were in the mood for, you started with clothing. This mall was a bit upscale for your budget, but you always enjoyed perusing the department store discount racks. Tossing your empty cup into the garbage can, you entered the large store.
Somehow, you found yourself searching through flannel shirts in the menâs department. Stopping for a moment once you realized what you were doing, you sighed. There was no escaping thoughts of Joel Miller, even subconsciously, it seemed. Huffing in frustration, you turned to walk back to the womenâs section where youâd find things you actually needed when you heard your name.
Joel stood on the other side of the rack, eyes wide with surprise at the sight of you. His cheek was clean, no lipstick mark in sight, you noted. Just the normal, totally endearing patchy scruff. âHey darlinâ, what are you doing here?â
âShopping,â you stated the obvious with a shrug, delighted at the pink tinge creeping up his cheeks.
âMe, too. Obviously.â Joel nodded, rolling his eyes â at you or himself, you werenât sure. âI could use your help, actually.â
You werenât expecting that. He looked at you with such open hope in his eyes, you couldnât deny him. âOk, shoot.â Your heart nearly exploded at the smile that spread across his face, putting his dimple on full display.
âI canât decide which of these to go with,â Joel replied, holding up several flannels. After a moment, he put those across the top of the discount rack and held up a pile of tee shirts. âOr these.â
Eyes taking in the details of each selection â he had good taste; you could picture each option on him â you hummed. âHave you tried any of them on?â Joel shook his head, the mop of curls swaying deliciously with the movement. âOk. Go try them on. Thatâs usually how I decide.â
Turning toward the fitting room with a nod, Joel paused and turned back around. âCome with me? I need your honest opinion on each one.â
Brow furrowed, you followed behind him wordlessly, eyes straying to his backside of their own accord. He wore the same dark, fitted jeans as last night and you swore beneath your breath at yet another reminder of his date. No amount of staring at his nice ass could pull that jealous feeling from your gut. He went on a date with someone and for all you knew, it could have been the best damn date of his entire damn life.
Leaning back against the wall opposite the fitting room Joel chose, you crossed your arms in front of your chest and wondered what the hell you were doing. You came to the mall for a distraction, to treat yourself and get your mind off the man on the other side of the fitting room door. Now you were⊠what? His wardrobe consultant?
Helping Joel pick out new clothes seemed like the job of a girlfriend, not his daughterâs babysitter. Letâs face it, you thought, thatâs all you were to him. Mood growing sourer by the second, you startled as the door ripped open in front of you.
âWhat do you think?â
The universe was a fickle bitch. It wasnât fair that Joel stood there looking like the man of your dreams and you didnât get to call him yours.
The first shirt Joel tried on fit like a glove, like the factory made it with his frame as the model in mind. The material had just the right amount of stretch across the breadth of his chest and shoulders, while hanging on for dear life around his biceps.
After ogling him for far too long, your eyes finally met Joelâs. âLooks good,â you said, the cadence of your voice not giving away the riotous flutter of desire flaring to life deep in your lower belly. âLetâs see the next one.â
Chocolate eyes sparkled with delight at your response as Joel slipped back into the fitting room. What you wouldnât give to follow him in there. Already picturing it in your mind, you would slip to your knees in front of him, fingers undoing his belt and the button of his jeans before slowly sliding the zipper down. Youâd wind one hand inside his pants to trace the curve of his cock through his boxer briefs before slipping the length of him out of the little secret pocket. Joel would be trying on his shirts as your lipsâ
âHow about this one?â
âJesus fucking nutcracker!â you exclaimed, Joelâs voice jolting you right out of that wonderful little daydream. So deep into the fantasy, you hadnât heard the fitting room door open.
Concerned, Joel reached out a hand, his calloused fingertips and palm running over the bare skin of your forearm as you steadied yourself. âDo, uh⊠do you have Touretteâs or something?â
Bemused, you blinked up at him, head thumping back against the wall. âWhat? No, no. I was just lost in thought, and you startled me.â
âNot that thereâs anything wrong with having Touretteâs, you know.â Joel tripped over himself to make sure you didnât think he was making fun of the disorder.
You waved him off. âOf course not.â Clearing your throat, eyes closing to recenter yourself, you counted to ten. The heat of Joelâs gaze like a burn on your skin, you opened your eyes and assessed his shirt. It was nice, a deep burgundy color, but the fit differed from the last one. You hated it. âI like the way the other one fit you better.â
The pattern continued until Joel tried on every shirt in his pile. You managed to keep your mind from straying again by making conversation.
âHow did your date go last night?â You dreaded the answer but needed to know.
âIt was⊠Iâve had better dates. She talked a lot,â he said through the fitting room door. âI couldnât wait for it to be over, honestly. I just wanted to be home.â
âSo, no second date then?â you confirmed, butterflies beginning to take flight in your belly.
âHell no.â
A wave of relief washed over you at the conviction in Joelâs voice, but you tried not to let it show on your face or in your voice as he stepped through the door. âThatâs too bad. You deserve to find someone great, Joel.â
He looked at you for a long time, his eyes penetrating like he was trying to tell you something without using words. You just had no idea what. You were about to bid him farewell as he paid for the shirts you chose â the bluish gray tee shirt that fit him so well and a flannel with similar hues, and two more just like them â when he stopped you.
âUh, would you have lunch with me?â he asked shyly, eyes brimming with such eager hopefulness you nearly melted.
Part of you wanted to turn him down over hurt feelings he wasnât even aware of, but you couldnât. Not after what he just told you about his date. The other part of you screamed not to read too much into it, that he wasnât asking you on a date. It would just be lunch with your boss. But the final part of you, the hopeless romantic who wore her heart on her sleeve and just helped the man pick out clothes like a girlfriend would, screamed that this could be your chance to get closer, that it could be a date if you made it one.
Fearing you stayed silent too long arguing with yourself, you rushed out a quick, âSure.â Joelâs face lit up like youâd never seen before. He didnât look anywhere near this happy when he left for his dinner date the night before.
tbc
Taglist: @mellymbee @untamedheart81 @anoverwhelmingdin @runningmom94 @leilanixx @pedropascalfan221 @lovelyjess69 @sarahhxx03 @sofiparallel @tammythr @lulawantmula @islacharlotte @allyourfavesinoneblog @lover-of-books-and-tea @pedropascalsbbg @ashleyfilm @brittmb115 @lilmizmoz @loveisacowboyyy @shotgun-shelby @deninoe
#joel miller#joel miller x reader#joel x female reader#the last of us#tlou#dbf!joel#Fall Into Me#pedro pascal#eventual smut#mutual pining#idiots falling for each other
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Day 30: Free Choice Day
Since today is the Free Choice Day and From Zero release day, I'd like to go off the rules here and leave a few words, 30 days of challenge, one Linkin Park show and one listening party later:
This is our second chance.
Linkin Park has been all about second chances for a while now, even if not directly initially. It's not the first time I mention Hybrid Theory the Portuguese tribute and it probably it won't be the last. They changed my life, got me a community, a family even among their fans. They were my second chance. A second chance to hear Linkin Park music on a concert setting, at a time when the OG band wasn't playing. Also, as someone who barely made and kept friends for the previous almost twenty years, they were my second chance to learn how to make them again, as an insecure thirty-something.
I know Hybrid Theory also represented a second chance for other people. For the members themselves, I'm pretty sure it was a second chance for making a living in music, after a few failed attempts. Also for other HT fans. The band gave a few forty-somethings or fifty-somethings a chance to go out, to have fun at shows, meet people, be young again. For two friends of mine, a married couple, the band gave them opportunities to do more stuff together as a couple, after the birth of their son. And I know of at least one couple that met through Hybrid Theory.
And now Linkin Park themselves are getting their second chance. A chance to create and put out music, to play shows, to be a band again. Emily is getting a second go at music, a second band, at 38. Many fans who didn't get to see Linkin Park live before Chester died, but now the band is back on the road and those fans have new chances. And I'm getting a second chance to see my favorite band being a band again â when there were times over the last seven years where I thought it would never happen again. No wonder Mike hasn't stopped grinning for the last two months.
Not that I've fully moved on from Chester. I'll never forget him, no one will, and it still hurts that he isn't there. In fact, he's the only one who didn't get his second chance and it's not fair. However, Linkin Park is his legacy and it lives on. I know he's happy for Mike and the rest of the band, I know he's proud of us and of how much Linkin Park does for all of us.
Ever since Linkin Park came back, fans have been talking about feeling like teenagers again, when they first met the band and Linkin Park was their entire world. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt eighteen, twenty-two, twenty-three again. But those versions of me hadn't lost as much as I have. They hadn't seen Mike barely keeping it together during a tribute concert for his best friend. They hadn't cried themselves to sleep thinking how Chester and Mike wouldn't share a stage again. They hadn't been to a Hybrid Theory show and felt terribly guilty for enjoying live Linkin Park music sans Linkin Park, wondering if Mike and the others knew how Linkin Park music still brought people together, even if they weren't playing it themselves. Hell, those versions of me hadn't really understood properly half of Linkin Park lyrics.
Present me has been through it all, though. Present me knows how much she owes Linkin Park. She knows how bless she is to have her favorite band back and she won't ever take Linkin Park for granted again. And, if everything goes well, we get to keep them for the rest of our lives (even if they take a few years off here and there).
Thank you for this challenge, this was a lot of fun. Happy From Zero release day! I'll leave you with Two Faced because I can't get over how dorky these guys are on this video. Here's to Linkin Park!
youtube
30 Days of Linkin Park Challenge
In light of my favorite band's epic reunion, Iâd like to start a challenge. 1 day = 1 post.Â
Inspired by this music challenge
I would love to see other LP fans joining! Let's fill the tag with something wholesome as we are waiting for the new album Nov 15.
Day 1: A song that was your introduction to Linkin Park
Day 2: A favorite Linkin Park song that needs to be played LOUD
Day 3: A song that feels overlooked/underrated by Linkin Park fans
Day 4: A favorite Linkin Park music video
Day 5: A Linkin Park song that hasnât got a music video but you wish it had
Day 6: A Linkin Park song that makes you happy
Day 7: A Linkin Park song that makes you sad
Day 8: A Linkin Park song that makes you want to dance
Day 9: A Linkin Park song you know all the lyrics to
Day 10: A Linkin Park song that you think everybody should listen to, even if they're not into rock
Day 11: A Linkin Park song that you never get tired of
Day 12: A Linkin Park song that youâve listened to lots of times recently
Day 13: A favorite cover of a Linkin Park song
Day 14: A favorite live performance of a Linkin Park song
Day 15: A favorite heavy Linkin Park songÂ
Day 16: A favorite Linkin Park song with rapping
Day 17: A favorite ballad or/and acoustic version of a Linkin Park song
Day 18: A favorite remix from Reanimation
Day 19: A favorite song with Chester singing
Day 20: A favorite song with Mike singing
Day 21: A favorite song with Emily singing
Day 22: A favorite Linkin Park song that isn't part of the main discography
Day 23: A favorite Linkin Park song with a featured musician/vocalist
Day 24: A favorite Linkin Park song from a soundtrack
Day 25: A Linkin Park song with the most beautiful/poetic lyrics
Day 26: A Linkin Park song with the most powerful message
Day 27: A Linkin Park song that reminds you of yourself
Day 28: A Linkin Park song that reminds you of a loved one
Day 29: A Linkin Park song that you love, but rarely listen to
Day 30: Free Choice Day
#30 days of linkin park#linkin park#day 30#two faced#yeah I kinda poured my heart here#Youtube#Happy From Zero release day!
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