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heathered-beinn · 3 years ago

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BangtanTV Youtube Vids 4

130217 SUGA (feat.RAP MONSTER) - YouTube Suga’s Log 17/02/13 (UK date)

So this is Suga’s first log! I love that fluffy black hat he’s wearing!! Obviously the heating is still not great in the studio since he’s also bundled up in a thick jacket ☹ I don’t have much else to muse about for this this video as it’s pretty short and not much happens or is talked about. It’s mostly Suga trying to make a log but laughing and complaining at Rapmonster constantly distracting him in the background. They obviously get on well both as colleagues and friends and it’s nice to see the two of them messing around having fun. So far they have tended to be the quieter, more serious, members of the band so I love seeing them act in a silly manner. I also look forward to hearing more from Suga in the future when RM isn’t distracting him!

흔한 연습생의 Harlem shake.avi - YouTube흔한 연습생의 Harlem shake.avi - YouTube

WTF did I just watch lol?????

The first time we see so many of them together on their official YT channel and it’s 20 seconds of chaotic WTF are you doing ridiculousness. Six of them – not sure who is who except RM and probably Jimin doing the headstand on the couch and maybe Jungkook in red – doing random things to the beat of Harlem Shake. Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkay Moving on ROFL

130206 RAP MONSTER FREESTYLE - YouTube Rap Monster Freestyling

No picture just RM rapping. Thanks to Megan R (credit Genius) in the Youtube comments for the translation.

Reading through the translation it seems RM is back on the path of feeling lost “a deserted island among my friends” - only it seems worse this time. He talks about being an adult now but all of his music peers have found success but he hasn’t yet. He doesn’t feel like there is a path for him, that he is stuck, and there’s no fuel to move him forward. His friends are suggesting he goes to college instead but RM doesn’t want to give up on his dream. My heart goes out to him. It really does. What he wants seems to be insurmountably far away to him (although it actually isn’t really – hindsight really) and I want to say I am so proud and very impressed that he got through that hard time to become the star he is today.

방탄소년들의 졸업 - Making Film - YouTube Behind the scenes of J-Hope, Jimin and Jungkook’s Music Video

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww <3 <3 <3

This was so cute. A short compilation of clips of them messing around, dancing, laughing, and running about, having fun together behind the scenes of their little music video (This was in the last lot of BTV videos I watched). Can I just say wow at Jimin’s running cartwheel!! Lol, at least Jungkook tried. However, Jungkook’s basketball shot was also pretty impressive too!

The three of them seemed to get on well. There is definitely a tight little friendship developing between them – particularly between Jimin and Jungkook. I noticed in the scene where they are in the café and crowded around the laptop that Jungkook was comfortable getting so close to Jimin he was millimetres from resting his chin on his shoulder. It was cute and only of note because he seemed such a shy boy in other series and appeared a bit uncomfortable with being overly touchy-feely (like a typical teenager). It makes me wonder if his discomfort was more rooted in doing those softer kinds of things in front of the camera rather than doing them fullstop. This is another reason I am so keen to watch these videos – we are more likely to see who they really are and what they are like in real life when there is less editing and scripting involved. Even these more candid videos will never be true reflections either unless it’s a moment where they genuinely don’t realise they are getting filmed. I do wonder how Jimin and Jungkook’s friendship pans out over the years though. There wasn’t much in Carpool Karaoke to make a judgement but I remember it was Jimin, J-Hope, and Jungkook in the middle seats which suggests to me they remain fairly close.

My finale musing on this video is, yet again, another moment of marvelling how this little cutie grew into this beautiful man.

130228 RAP MONSTER - YouTube Rap Monster 28/02/13 (UK date)

There is no translation for this video but I think, I think, he is just rapping along to a famous rap song? Either way, it’s cute lol and he seems to be enjoying himself.

Can I take a moment to point out that we have not seen one glimpse of V in these videos so far!! ☹

130227 J HOPE & 정국 - YouTube J Hope and Jungkook 27/02/13 (UK date)

Cuties!! <3

As soon as I saw these two I was ridiculously excited. I feel like this, so far to me, is an odd pairing and I can’t wait to see what they are like together :D Thanks to Hopeful Mang in the Youtube comments for the translation.

Okay, now that I’ve seen the video and read a vague translation I can’t help but laugh on rewatching. There doesn’t seem to be anything of note in what they say, however their antics were hilarious and silly and I’m still not entirely sure I understand what they were on about lol. What I most noticed was just how confident and talkative and generally at ease Jungkook was with J-Hope, like just J-Hope’s presence was enough to push back Jungkook’s shyness. It was so lovely to see! It’s clear the two of them get on well and spend quite a bit of time together. There was definitely a big brother / little brother vibe going on and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn if J-Hope was one of the ones who looked out for Jungkook the most back then – and brought him out of his shell. I mean, J-Hope is just a ball of sunshine – who wouldn’t be buoyed up in his presence?!

130304 J HOPE & RAP MONSTER - YouTube J-Hope and RM

Another pairing I’m so excited to see together! Thanks to Hopeful Mang in the Youtube comments for the translation.

J-Hope starts off by commenting the colour scheme is black and white. RM says this is coincidental but emphasises that the band is one that works well together without having to say a word. J-Hope agrees they are an awesome team. So… this is the first time in these BTV vids that I’ve seen RM talking about the band being a team and talking to another member as a teammate, which is an interesting and positive change to behold. Only a month ago (4 videos up) RM was talking as though he had no path and was somewhat lost in what he was doing with his life. This ‘team talk’ is a significant change in direction. How deep RM is in this change remains to be seen but it’s good to see him interacting with the others in a band-like way. I’m wondering if there has been significant movement in forming the band behind the scenes since the start of February. There were barely any logs between this one and RM’s one where he was describing himself as a deserted island so it’s possible their time has been spent working on the band – which, if the case, brilliant!

Lol, RM asked J-Hope what he had done that day. J-Hope said he’d been relaxing and watching a movie and could not be more vague about said movie – he really gave it a stellar review lol. RM said he had been around Seoul looking for music inspiration but ended up resting instead and being distracted by pretty girls. J-Hope says this is pretty typical of RM, suggesting he knows him and his habits fairly well by now.

Then it gets super interesting as they say their schedule for the week ahead is packed because BTS debut day is approaching. I wonder if that’s what’s got RM suddenly talking about teamwork? Perhaps now that things are gearing up for a debut he’s feeling like he finally has a focus – a path. The question is, does he still, deep down. think about himself as a soloist or is he now becoming accustomed to the idea that his future lies in a band? Does he truly think the band will work out? It’ll certainly be very interesting to see how this plays out over the following weeks.

Final musings on this video: RM and J-Hope seem comfortable with each other but not super-comfortable with each other. There’s not the same silliness between them as there was between RM and Suga or J-Hope and Jungkook, which suggests to me that at this point they have a friendly colleague-type relationship but are not yet super-close.

130304 SUGA - YouTube Suga’s Log 04/03/13 (UK date)

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuga!!!!!!!!!! <3 Thanks to Nana Na in the Youtube comments for the translation.

ROFL!!! Suga starts by saying that because RM isn’t there the log is going to be easy. Funny enough, both RM and J-Hope did a log on the same day in the same studio?! It’s probably much later in the day. Suga tells us that the song playing the background is “Fly” by Epic High, which he says guided him into the world of hip hop. He says this song made RM and himself choose to rap and further explains that in 2006, while in elementary school, it was this song that made him decide he wanted to rap. This small titbit gives us such a little insight into how Suga got into rapping and just how long he’s wanted to be a rap star for. The fact that he knew so early on what he wanted to be and is still working hard to make that dream come true shows just how dedicated he is and just how well he knows himself. He finishes his log by saying when he’s tired and exhausted, like he is today in the video, he listens to this song “Fly” and it inspires him to make good music.

130309 SUGA - YouTube Suga’s Log 09/03/13 (UK date)

Takes place 4 – 5 days after his last log – same hat! Thanks to Hopeful Mang in the Youtube comments for the translation.

It’s Suga’s birthday!!! <3 He says he used to anticipate his birthday when he was younger but not anymore now that he is older.

Then J-Hope, Jimin and RM come into the studio singing happy birthday and carrying a cake. Suga says it’s too cliché but seems pretty pleased by the gesture. He blows out the candles, J-Hope punches his arm a few times, which Jimin then wants to do but can’t because he’s holding the cake. Suga tells J-Hope to quit with the punching. RM says to turn up the music and Suga ends the log.

It’s sweet to see them celebrating each other’s birthdays. I hope as the years go on we get to see them do this for every member! I wonder if they buy each other presents – with 7 in the band that could get complicated and expensive lol.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Suga, sweetheart <3 Sorry for being belated by 8 years!!!

130306 정국 - YouTube Jungkook’s Log 06/03/13 (UK date)

This seems to be a few days out of sync with the video for Suga’s birthday but it’s no big issue. Thanks to nana na in the Youtube comments for the translation.

Jungkook is almost painfully cute at this age. He starts by saying he still feels shy shooting a log alone and is not sure what to talk about <3 He says the background music is what he has recently been learning choreography to and finds the dance moves funny and exciting. He also says he is really tired and sleepy but he still has things to do and will go to bed after finishing them because he promised. This concerns me a little. There’s nothing to indicate the time but it does look like it might be pretty late in the day. He’s still young, still at school (presumably a school night since 06/03/13 UK date was a Wednesday) and he’s also working on band things. The fact that he said he promised to go to bed to someone means that someone else – much closer to him than the fans - thinks he has been working too much and not getting enough rest ☹

130308 J HOPE - YouTube J-Hope’s Log 08/03/13 (UK Date)

Thanks to Hopeful Many in the Youtube comments for the translation.

J-Hope says he walked in as Suga was going to record a log (he calls him by his real name Yoongi, and I forgot that even back then they were probably pretty new to their stage names and probably don’t call each other by their stage names behind the scenes). Suga is quietly sitting up the back. J-Hope says he wasn’t planning on playing any background music but he liked the MR so he let it play – it reminds him of cherry blossoms and first love. He says he thinks he should work on a song like that. However, he is extremely busy as reality is approaching. [I guess he means the band’s debut]. He admits he has been sleeping less and working hard and hopes the results will reflect how much work he is putting in right now. He finishes the log by saying they should all go to the cherry blossom festival, in which Suga agrees. I find it simply beautiful that BTS have grown up in a culture where their masculinity is not questioned because they want to see some pretty flowers.

Not much more for me to muse on other than I like J-Hope’s top <3

#bts #bangtantv #youtubeofficial #jin #suga #j-hope #rapmonster #jimin #v #jungkook

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johnrossbowie · 4 years ago

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LEAVING TWITTER

I wrote this earlier in the fall, before the election, after dissolving my Twitter account. I wasn’t sure where to put it (“try up your ass!” – someone, I’m sure) and then I remembered I have a tumblr I never use. Anyway, here tis.

How do you shame someone who thinks Trumps’ half-baked policies and quarter-baked messaging put him in the pantheon of great Presidents? How do you shame someone so lacking in introspection that they will call Obama arrogant while praising Trump’s decisiveness and yet at the same time vehemently deny that they’re racist? How do you shame someone for whom that racism is endearing and maybe long overdue?

You don’t. It’s silly to think otherwise.

Twitter is an addiction of mine, and true to form, my dependence on it grew more serious after I quit drinking in 2010. At first it was a chance to mouth off, make jokes both stupid and erudite and occasionally stick my foot in my mouth (I owe New Yorker writer Tad Friend an apology. He knows why, or (God willing) he’s forgotten. Either way. Sorry.) I blew off steam, steam that was accumulating without booze to dampen the flames. Not always constructive venting, but I also met new friends, and connected with people whose work I’ve admired for literal decades and ended up seeing plays with Lin-Manuel Miranda and hanging backstage with Jane Wiedlin after a Go-Go’s show and exchanging sober thoughts with Mike Doughty. When my mom passed in 2018, a lot of people reached out to tell me they were thinking of me. This was nice. For a while, Twitter was a huge help when I needed it.

I used to hate going to parties and really hated dancing and mingling, but a couple of drinks would fix that. Point is, for a while, booze was a huge help, too.

But my engagement with Twitter changed, and I started calling people my ‘friends’ even though I’d never once met them or even heard their voices. These weren’t even penpals, these were people whose jokes or stances I enjoyed, so with Arthurian benevolence I clicked on a little heart icon, liked their tweet, and assumed therefore that we had signed some sort of blood oath.

We had not. I got glib, and cheap, and a little lazy. And then to make matters much worse, Trump came along and extended his reach with the medium.

There was a while there where I thought I could be a sort of voice for the voiceless, and I thought I was doing that. I tried very hard to only contribute things that I felt were not being said – It wasn’t accomplishing anything to notice “Haha Trump looks like he’s bullshitting his way through an oral report” – such things were self-evident. I tried to point out very specific inconsistencies in his policies, like the Muslim ban meant to curb terrorism that still favored the country that brought forth 13 of the 9/11 hijackers. Like his full-throated cries against media bias performed while he suckled at Roger Ailes’ wrinkly teat. Like his fondness for evangelical votes that coincided with a scriptural knowledge that lagged far behind mine, even though I’m a lapsed Episcopalian, and there is no one less religiously observant than a lapsed Episcopalian. But that eventually gave way to unleashing ad hominem attacks against his higher profile supporters, who I felt weren’t being questioned enough, who I felt were in turn being fawned over by theirdim supporters. If you’re one of these guys, and you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right, but don’t mistake this for an apology. You suck, and you support someone who sucks, and your idolatry is hurting our country and its standing in the world. Fuck you entirely, but that’s not the point. The point is that me screaming into the toilet of Twitter helps no one – it doesn’t help a family stuck at the border because they’re trying to secure a better life for their kids. It doesn’t help a poor teenager who can’t get an abortion because the party of ‘small government’ has squeezed their tiny jurisdiction into her uterus. It doesn’t help the coal miner who’s staking all his hopes on a dying industry and a President’s empty promises to resurrect it. I was born in New York City, and I currently live in Los Angeles. Those are the only two places I’ve ever lived, if you don’t count the 4 years I spent in Ithaca[1]. So, yes, I live in a liberal bubble, and while I’ve driven across the country a couple of times and did a few weeks in a touring band and am as crushed as any heartlander about the demise of Waffle House, you have me dead to rights if you call me a coastal elitist. And with that in mind, I offer few surprises. A guy who grew up in the theater district and was vehemently opposed to same-sex marriage or felt you should own an AR-15? THAT would be newsworthy. I am not newsworthy. I can preach to the choir, I can confirm people’s biases, but I will likely not sway anyone who is eager to dismiss a Native New Yorker who lives in Hollywood. I grew up in the New York of the 1970s, and that part of my identity did shape my politics. My mom’s boss was gay and the Son of Sam posed a realistic threat. As such, gays are job creators[2] and guns are used for homicide much more often than they are used for self-defense[3]. I have found this to be generally true over the years, and there’s even data to back it up.

“But Mr. Bowie,” you might say, though I insist you call me John - “those studies are conducted by elitist institutions and those institutions suck!” And again, I am not going to reason with people who will dismiss anything that doesn’t fit their limited world view as elitist or, God Help Us, fake news. But the studies above are peer-reviewed, convincing, and there are more where those came from.

“But John,” you might say, and I am soothed that we’re one a first name basis - “Can’t you just stay on Twitter for the jokes?” Ugh. A) apparently not and B) the jokes are few and far between, and I am 100% part of that problem.

I have stuff to offer, but Twitter is not the place from which to offer it.

After years of academically understanding that Twitter is not the real world, Super Tuesday 2020 made the abstract pretty fucking concrete. If you had looked at my feed on the Monday beforehand – my feed which is admittedly curated towards the left, but not monolithic (Hi, Rich Lowry!) – you’d have felt that a solid Bernie surge was imminent, but also that your candidate was going surprise her more vocal critics. When the Biden sweep swept, when Bernie was diminished and when Warren was defeated, I realized that Twitter is not only not the real world, it’s almost some sort of Phillip K. Dickian alternate timeline, untethered to anything we’re actually experiencing in our day to day life. This is both good news and bad news – one, we’re not heading towards a utopia of single payer health care and the eradication of American medical debt any time soon, but two, we’re also not being increasingly governed by diaper-clad jungen like Charlie Kirk. Clouds and their linings. Leaving Twitter may look like ceding ground to the assclowns but get this – the ground. Is not. There.

It’s just air.

There are tangible things I can do with my time - volunteer with a local organization called Food On Foot, who provide food and job training for people experiencing homelessness here in my adopted Los Angeles. I can give money to candidates and causes I support, and I can occasionally even drop by social media to boost a project or an issue and then vanish, like a sort of Caucasian Zorro who doesn’t read his mentions. I can also model good behavior for my kids (ages 10 and 13) who don’t need to see their father glued to his phone, arguing about Trumps incompetence with Constitutional scholars who have a misspelled Bible verse in their bio (three s’ in Ecclesiastes, folks).

So farewell Twitter. I’ll miss a lot of you. Perhaps not as badly as I miss Simon Maloy and Roger Ebert and Harris Wittels and others whose deaths created an unfillable void on the platform. But I won’t miss the yelling, and the lionization of poor grammar, and anonymous trolls telling my Jewish friends that they were gonna leave the country “via chimney.” I will not miss people who think Trump is a stable genius calling me a “fucktard.” I will not miss transphobia or cancelling but I will miss hashtag games, particularly my stellar work during #mypunkmusical (Probably should have quit after that surge, I was on fire that night, real blaze of glory stuff I mean, Christ, Sunday in the Park with the Germs? Husker Du I Hear A Waltz? Fiddler on the Roof (keeping an eye out for the cops)? These are Pulitzer contenders.). Twitter makes me feel lousy, even when I’m right, and I’m often right. There’s just no point in barking bumperstickers at each other, and there are people who are speaking truth to power and doing a cleaner job of it – Aaron Rupar, Steven Pasquale, Louise Mensch, Imani Gandy and Ijeoma Oluo to name five solid mostly politically based accounts (Yes, Pasquale is a Broadway tenor. He’s also a tenacious lefty with good points and research and a dreamy voice. You think you’re straight and then you hear him sing anything from Bridges of Madison County and you want him to spoon you.). You’re probably already following those mentioned, but on the off chance you’re not, get to it. You’ll thank me, but you won’t be able to unless you actually have my email.

_______

[1] And Jesus, that’s worse – Ithaca is such a lefty enclave that they had an actual socialist mayor FOR WHOM I VOTED while I was there. And not socialist the way some people think all Democrats are socialist – I mean Ben Nichols actually ran on the socialist ticket and was re-elected twice for a total of six years.

[2] The National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, “America’s LGBT Economy” Jan 20th, 2017

[3] The Violence Policy Institute, Firearm Justifiable Homicides and Non-Fatal Self Defense Gun Use, July 2019.

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debbie-tanthorey · 5 years ago

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65 DAYS IN MAY

CHAPTER ONE

Cosmic irony. A dentist saved me. You read that correctly – saved my LIFE, albeit inadvertently. An action as mundane as having one’s teeth cleaned, set fate in motion. Was the week of Thanksgiving 2019, bi-annual check-up. Dentist does his thing after the hygienist finishes. You know the drill (pun intended). Only this time he uncustomarily offers me a hand-mirror, tells me to look in my throat, asks me if I've had my tonsils out.

“No”

“You have a white spot back there, see that?” My eyes shift toward the mirror – I LIE – say I see it (don’t have my glasses on, PRIDE won’t let me admit I can’t see any white patch) He continues, “If you don't mind, am referring you to an oral surgeon for a biopsy.” The nefarious B-word; brain fires a warning shot. B-word leads to the C-word.

Alone now in my car, I fall apart. Hi, I'm a hypochondriac; I don't handle health challenges well despite the jovial persona folks see. A paralyzed-with-fear hypochondriac. Foremost in my thoughts is a long-time friend from high school, currently dealing with a devastating throat cancer diagnosis; I know not to minimize this. (R.I.P. Grady, August 8, 2020 😔) Get to my desk, dial my primary physician immediately, which is a big deal for introverted-me; set up an appointment for a second opinion. The Thanksgiving holiday means I can't be seen until the following week. What is normally a fun, family-gathering time of year, is effectively fogged in with dread, I go through the motions. All-consuming thoughts ruminate incessantly - I'm dying. Yeah, it's what hypochondriacs DO, we ‘dive off into the deep end,’ thrash, drown in ‘what if’s??’

The next week, my doctor smiles after he peers past my tongue into my throat, “Where?” Looks twice, insists I relax, “It's nothing.” He knows me well, adding, “if it would make you feel better, let's follow-up in three months.” His reassurance tempers my panic . . life resumes.

CHAPTER TWO

December 2019, January, February, 2020 the winter that wasn't. Work that was. Mid-February Housing fair at Ohio University's Walter Hall Rotunda. Event coordinator, Donna, introduces herself to Dave and me at our display table. Lively-soul, (I admire extroverts) she explains she recently transferred to this area from Columbus and, among other things, is a Stage 4 breast cancer survivor. Woman is spunky. Piques my interest. I share my sister's email address with her, explaining Cheryl is an 18-month soldier waging the same battle.

March approaches and the little nagging voice in my head reminds, “3-month follow-up, Deb, just do it.” Did. Friday, March 6. Confirmed, no dumb spot. Ha!! Your basic normal appointment. Crisis debunked. As visit concludes, Hillary, his nurse, scrolls through my medical record, turns to mention it's been more than a couple years since my last mammogram, they’ve all been clear, but I'm due, and would I want to set up one.

“Sure”

My youngest, Leah, works in this same medical facility, stop at her desk near the lab to say ‘hello.’ She’s my last to leave home, miss her in my house still. Always good to see and talk to her. She and Ian were married 18 months ago. Her desk-mate, Jordan, coincidentally one of Leah’s friends from her high school days, sets up my mammo appointment for Monday.

MONDAY, MARCH 9. Say ‘hello’ again to the girls at their desk. Check-in. Take a seat, wait my turn. Have had plenty of these 'grams in my lifetime, no big deal, no dread. Bare 'em, squash 'em, and get back to work. This time though, the tech knows my sister, and as I dress when we are done, from behind the screen she casually asks how old Cheryl was when she got her diagnosis and how’s she doing. (60. She is doing remarkably well, maintaining) 10 minutes later, I’m back at my work desk, phone rings, the mammo-tech is on the phone, needing me to return the next day for “a couple more, 'maybe clearer' pics, and an ultrasound.” That’s never happened before. A fleeting shot of panic surges, but since my most recent dread has been unfounded, I attempt to not over-react.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10. Keenly study the radiology-tech’s face for clues when she comes to fetch me from the lobby, I examine her demeanor as if I’m a police detective on a high-profile murder case and she’s my prime suspect. She's calm. So I'm cool. Rescan first, ultrasound second. Not especially pleasant the latter, (idiotic thing to say, was wholly unpleasant ) having your chest unceremoniously smashed in a circular motion against your ribs. The techs are studious, the room silent, I stare at the ceiling. Last time I had an ultrasound was 26 years ago and I was pregnant. Today, no fun at all. Understand now why my sister mentioned she is not a fan of these during her breast cancer struggles.

CHAPTER THREE

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, a knock on the front door, mailman is standing on my front porch and in the time it takes me to scribble my name on a card, I'm staring down at a certified letter in my palm, the return address of the clinic lunging off the paper at me. There's a low, barely-audible, foreign sound in my head. It's 'control', in human form, and is protesting/whining as she’s being forcibly dragged away from me. Remind myself I'm somewhat sane, an adult - just open the envelope. I do. And there it is, in black and white, the word -

ABNORMALITY

The rest of the weekend is a blur, debunking the need for concern with my daughters. Every excuse, every plausible explanation of why a letter like this would be mailed. A mistake, surely so. Just a glitch in the system. “Mom, if it was bad, they wouldn't notify you by letter,” Leah insists.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, my primary physician calls in regard to my somewhat-panicky email fired-off to him on Saturday, the day the letter arrives. He speaks in calm tones, explains he was on vacation the past week, is sorry he could not talk to me before the notice arrived, he's seen the offending spot on the film, offers it's so small, unlikely any cause for concern. “Indistinctive,” he assures. Forwarding to a surgeon for review.

CHAPTER FOUR

TUESDAY, MARCH 17, mama-daughter call . . normal stuff .. she’s working today at the clinic. She mentions the aforementioned surgeon has office hours today, maybe I could be squeezed in. I’m in luck, they can. So in a couple hours, I am shaking the hand of the head of surgery. Personable guy, he tells me he's reviewed my pics, if the radiologist had not circled the area, he would not have noticed it right away. Optimism duly noted. He thoroughly examines that body part, pokes and prods, asks me if I feel a lump. “I have not.” Today he doesn't either. Every woman knows about lumps. I absolutely know about lumps. I would never ignore one. Fact of the matter, there is NO lump!

We go over my less than stellar immediate family history of C. (HATE that word). Lung, breast, leukemia. He recommends biopsy to rule out any true problem. The B-word again. This day I say, ‘ok'.

Right here is where COVID-19 makes it's bizarro presence known, personally impacts ME. Doctor advises local surgery center is now closed due to the virus and procedures are limited to emergencies only but he is willing to go before the Board to plead my case. ???? While thankful he is willing to intercede for me; I am tamping down anxiety fighting to rise up, mentally jumping up and down, stomping on it, both feet.

Couple days later I get the call the Medical Board approves me for a needle biopsy. Control-of-my-life, she is sitting on the floor in a fetal position, rocking, whimpering in a locked padded-room somewhere.

CHAPTER FIVE

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, Jess drives me to Jackson. I don't need driven. Appreciate my oldest’s company though. COVID rules necessitate only a patient be permitted to enter any facility; Jess has to wait in the car. At the door, am screened for symptoms, this is the Twilight Zone. And it's too quiet in here. The place is dark and weird and I don't want to be here. I'm the ONLY person in the entire surgery center, I overhear the staff talking, they weren’t on the schedule today, I’m the only patient. hhmmmm, why am I so important?? Creepy.

Am ushered into the procedure room, nurses are professional, put me at ease. Entering, it’s impossible to miss my film aglow on the lighted-box on the wall; she asks if I want to see it. (NO!! I don’t want to see it!!) In reality, robotically, walk over to look. There it is, plain as day. The previously described small-likely-nothing indistinctive spot. Yikes, it's a glaring, ominous, bright white glob with literal tentacles reaching out, it’s in the middle of my precious flesh. No denying this now. Thing’s staring back at me. The only way I know how to describe the rest of the appointment, is that I am having an out-of-body experience, it’s not happening to me. No . . . is not.

You know the lifts in a garage of an auto repair shop? That's what this is. Clumsily climb aboard, assume a face-down position. There's no delicate way to explain the procedure. There's an enormous hole in the table, chest area, your beloved body part dangles and the table is raised, surgeon accesses it from below. Area is securely taped, prepped and numbed. Needles are fun, aren't they??! (eye roll) Am told the table will vibrate, surgeon cautions me to lay perfectly still or the laser will slice me. (no problem, I float away, not even present in the room) And it begins. Computer guides a gatling gun of needles as it commences to stab the tumor, withdraw specimens of cells. Sounds horrific, but it isn't, numbing tends to that. Divert my eyes from the red, fleshy goop siphoning into the container, my eyes clamped shut much of the time. Lasts just a few minutes, dress, then am on my way. Visit the same surgeon in a week for the results. Will not come back to this location, by then this center will also be closed by the pandemic mandate, next appointment is at a nearby hospital.

CHAPTER SIX

APRIL 1, 2020, APRIL FOOL'S DAY. First time I have ever visited this hospital, enter alone, virus protocol at the door. Surgeon’s office on the second floor, take the elevator. Few folks in the building, those that are, like me, are wearing masks. As I wait, pilfer on my ipad. Name is called, off I go. Today I find out this thing is benign, that I have been spazzing for weeks over nothing, naturally. Don't wait long for the Dr., I remain seated as he enters, greets me. He begins talking as he walks across the room, lays down my chart, then turns, making eye-contact, “you are so lucky to have had this test, mammogram did what it was supposed to do; we've caught it early.”

“...(I go effectively deaf) blah-blah-blah-blah-blah CARCINOMA.” A cataclysmic concoction of consonants and vowels strung together into syllables, words, in sentence form, delivered matter-of-factly. What happens here is nothing short of BIZARRE. Always imagined if I heard the words, “you have cancer,” I would react BADLY.

I would -

be angry

weep

go to pieces

vomit

all of the above

In reality -

I did not cry

I did not faint

I did not scream

Instead, sit calmly, silently. Stoic. Utterly, absolutely, wholly dumbfounded. ( this isn’t real - my head hurts - is this a stroke!?) REALITY Brain cells scramble to focus, I listen intently to every word, nod occasionally. Hearing all, absorbing little, during this a crash course on three types of breast cancer and treatment options available. (drifting off - I like him, he gestures with his hands as he speaks of surgery options.) Reconstruction; their plastic surgeon is top notch. The decision is mine. The doctor adds simply, “you know what will happen if you do nothing.”

I do

Unceremoniously and without a second’s hesitation, I react, “Get it off me,” hand on my chest. (subconscious protesting, “I feel FINE!!!! THIS. IS. STUPID!!”)

He nods in acknowledgement of my words, continuing, discusses recurrence rates on the opposite breast. Fuzzy math. Right here I interrupt him with the wave of a hand, “Get them both off me!” For good measure, I repeat it. Decision made, bilateral mastectomy it is, ASAP. Hands me a print-out with my diagnosis, I roll the paper up like a diploma and slip it in my bag. Stare down at the bag I take to work everyday . . (new-reality thoughts commence) or did … back when life was normal.

“Lousy April Fool’s Day, ya gotta admit.” I mutter out-loud to him as I rise to my feet, reach for the door. (how am I walking??!)

Ah, but COVID-19. Global pandemic, if it were a person, he’d be a cold-hearted, merciless jerk. I have to wait 14 days, be symptom-free in order to be permitted in their surgery unit or risk contaminating the whole place. Condemned to live with my killer for 15 more days, let it sleep with me, go to work with me, hang out with me while I visit my kids, grandkids. Melodramatic? You betcha, but the truth. All the while knowing the beast is growing.

I don’t exit the building until I am pre-registered for surgery, receive copious instructions, am assigned a day, APRIL 16. Next to the radiology waiting room, there I message my sister, she is the first to know. I have breast cancer. There’s lab work, x-ray, EKG. Am a zombie. A polite zombie with cancer making idle chitchat with techs who have no freaking clue my unremarkable and average life has evaporated in the last 45 minutes.

Poked, prodded, scanned and x-rayed - my walk across the parking lot is a 1,000 mile trek. Open the door, slide into the seat, fasten the seat belt, inhale deeply, fill my lungs with air just so I feel alive and less numb. Stare at my hands. Wish I could scream without attracting attention. Vomiting would be a blessing about now. I seem to be the same person that got out of the vehicle two hours before. No, am not the same at all. HOW do I do this????! Any of this??

HOW??????????!!!!!

In the days that follow, I will unroll my biopsy report, familiarize myself: invasive lobular carcinoma, 1.6cm, grade 1, ER+PR+HER2-. (translation = hormone fed) I will become versed about the enemy within, that if left untreated, would put me in the ground. Knowledge is power.

CHAPTER SEVEN

How do you tell the people you love, you have cancer? How do you toss a live emotional-grenade in a room? As terrifying as it is for me, I have to watch the realization sink in, the fear in their faces. Jess and Leah, my girls, having initiated a video chat with me as I wait for labs at the hospital. “Mom...well, how’d it go??” Not necessary to share details out loud, I crack, my eyes said all there was to say. Tough to hide that. Awful is the fact I’m in a public waiting room as they ask, am trying to hold it together, not disintegrate, explode into pieces. Watch them absorb what they now understand. I can’t help them.

Morning of April 1, the plan was to go back to work after the appointment. I don't. I aim the car toward home.

But first, I stop at my mom's house, to reveal the diagnosis to her and George. This is the first time I will say the words. Standing in the middle of her living room, my mouth opens and the emotion-less words fall out, “I have cancer too.” It is weird to hear it voiced and I feel bad for her. (her sister, my dad, my brother, my sister, now me) Explain to her what I plan to do and comfort that it'll be alright. She supports my decision: show no mercy to the beast.

Head home.

Turn onto my county road, Jameson calls, asks how the Dr. visit went. Avoiding answering, instead, ask if they are home, that I will be right there. Am thankful I am not them. He ‘knows’ from my tone, detects from the question. My son and wife, Patty, live 1/4 mile from my house, I arrive at their place in only a couple minutes, walk into their living room where they both were, learn the kids are upstairs, state the fact to the both of them, and I sit down for a bit. Just like that. Keep it light and matter of fact.

Life is insane.

CHAPTER EIGHT

What follows is 15 days trapped in a state of in-between. Desperate for normalcy yet knowing I can’t have it. What to do. What. To. Do. Staying right-minded is the aim. Crave it. C-word rarely leaving my thoughts. Every day ‘hospital Jessica’ calls me to ask a series of Covid-19 related questions and asks my body temperature that I am tasked with taking each morning upon waking.

What I CAN maintain right now, is routine.

COVID locks my office door in mid-March, am the only one staffing there. OU student move-in/move-out day is May 3. I’m the one in charge of this, making sure everything is ready. Can’t cancel it . . it goes on with or without me. Scheduling surgery mid-April, slashes two weeks off my prep time for this once-a-year event. Realize the timing could not be better, if there IS such a thing, I have little free time to ponder what’s coming, am too busy. Every day I plow through my work to-do list. Go home too tired to indulge doom and gloom.

Away from the office too, I quickly find another diversion, researching and shopping for items I might need after the surgery. Soft tops with inner pockets for drains management, ice packs, hot packs, special propping pillow. A miracle they all arrive on time because Amazon Prime has been waylay-ed by the corona virus. A sick and twisted ‘Merry Christmas to me’ as each package arrives. In some small way, gives me a semblance of control.

Sleeping is not an issue during these days. It’s my safe place. Sleep deep and well, courtesy of a little purple pill discovered years ago. (thank you, menopause) Each and every morning, have about 30 seconds of ‘normal’ before I remember what demon is living in me.

An entertaining activity during this time is staring in my lingerie drawer at the start of every day, choosing which style, what color bra for one last travel in the rotation. I waffle. At first, suffer pangs of melancholy while looking at the neat row of vibrant colors and lace. Then chuckle, cups are large enough to be made into hats for small children. No one wants to discuss my boobs, but this is an important part of the process of letting go. Acknowledgement. A girl spends what seems like her whole life waiting for these body parts to materialize; coveted, we dress them up, suspend them with steel reinforcement, make the best of them. They feed our children, we rock our babies/grandbabies against them. They’re part of who we are. Mine are set for execution. It’s them or me.

Time ticks by.

CHAPTER NINE

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15. Mastectomy Eve, am something I have never been, radioactive. True. This day go into the hospital ALONE, pass through the covid-19 gauntlet; escorted to a quiet room with a massive machine, bet it was a CT scanner, I don’t ask, I lay down on a metal table and a needle is inserted in my chest region, right side (still find it weird to use the word ‘breast’) and a radioactive tracer is placed in my body at the sight of the tumor. I’d researched the procedure a little (LIE . . I researched a LOT) beforehand, and read it would be EXCRUCIATING. So expect the worst. Naturally. Tech is kind and reassuring; small talk. I notice what great hair he has. Stare at the ceiling as I lay there. Then the doctor comes in, says I’ll feel a stick (had read the area is numbed first) expect that. Did. Not horrendous - that’s an exaggeration, barely felt anything. Assume we wait for the numbing to take effect before he drills through to the core. What I DIDN’T expect, is him to say, “you’re done.” Meaning that tiny prick was it. Say what now? Before the morning’s surgery, I’ll come back to this table, and will find out if the cancer has leeched into any lymph nodes. I dress and exit the building.

ESCAPE! The rest of this day IS MINE. I take my dreary thoughts, my diseased chest, the ‘DD girls’ , and we hit the road, took the long way home. Gave ‘them’ the best darned last-day-alive you could ask for. Was the least I could do considering what I was consenting to do to them. Pitied them and wanted them DEAD at the same time. Them or me.

Flowers waiting for me when I got home, the first time I sobbed in earnest. A torrent of tears.

CHAPTER TEN

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2020. DtoDD DAY. Death to DD’s Day. (and my Mom’s 81st birthday) Eerily calm. I grab my packed bag, stare at my freshly-made bed as I turn to exit the bedroom. Oh here comes one of those bizarro thoughts I have at times like this. Glancing around, mutter, “when I return, nothing will be the same. Gee, I hope I come back.” Melodramatic to a fault I am. Patty drops me off at the hospital door at a ridiculously early hour. Did I mention this is during a pandemic so no one can come in and that the hospital is spooky-empty and hushed?? Well, it is. Apocolyptically-quiet. Surreal. Check-in is swift and efficient and a surgery-nurse retrieves me promptly, accompany her to the prep area. this is real?

This unit has a circle of several cubicles, all but three are empty though. Settled in, changing into hospital gown, then I have three hours to ponder the fact that the last time I had surgery was 26 years ago and I am not as young as I used to be, and nowhere near ready to die, and lordy, I am no fan of pain. I feel FINE . . how can something deadly be in me yet I feel this HEALTHY??

In the hours I wait, return to scan-room to see if this thing has reached my lymph nodes. Dark room, humming machine. Same tech lets me watch the screen, bright lights like tiny fireworks become visible. No clue what I am watching.

My appointed time arrives, was about 9:30 a.m. Accompanied by a surgical nurse, I walk down the hallway to the O.R., my IV pole in tow. this isn’t real Three surgical staff are busily prepping. Funny how apprehension makes one awkwardly talkative with strangers, more so than normal. I greet them and cannot shut up, blather, “you know how kids took home tonsils in a jar?? (clutching my chest) you have a gallon jug I can take these home with me?” (yes, I really did say it) Laughter from them, that’s good. Am offered a stool to climb onto the table. I do. My God, to the gallows, ‘girls’

Jettisoned into the Twilight Zone right here. In the time it takes me to scoot, get comfortably horizontal on the table, sterile people descend on me, all over me doing things. Arms, legs . . belt around my abdomen. Am picturing masked-ants. Busy, busy. Big light on the ceiling lowering, settles above my upper torso and head. I feel FINE Am here, but not here. Oh God. Gentle voice to my right, as a mask is fitted over my nose and mouth, “take a couple deep breaths.”

Blackness.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I’m struggling in deep water, not diving down - but up, shooting to the surface of the water, I need air. Regaining consciousness, a jostling, repeating, “Debbie, wake up. Can you hear me?” Awake. Literal first conscious thought, drenched in relief -

“... NOT DEAD”

Body is being tugged, moved, but I’m not doing it. Realization hits me, where I am and what's happened. Conscious, I no longer feel fine, unrelenting waves of nausea wash over me. I give myself over to whichever medical professional wants to tend to me. They can have me, I don’t want me. Not this me.

End up in a hospital room, no recollection whatsoever how. Silence interrupted only by BP cuff on an ankle, inflating noisily at intervals reminding me I’m alive. Not moving. Lord, what have I done? Ice packs under both arms. Detest feeling this gross. I hang onto the sheets for hours, ride out the nausea.

As terrible as that was, and it was horrendous, it ends abruptly once I am fully awake later in the afternoon. In fact, feel remarkably good - considering. Any pain is well-managed. I can move, even lift my arms. I can walk to the restroom, tend to myself. Am hungry and eat a good dinner. Pleasantly surprised at this half of the day.

Curious. Here’s where I gingerly lift the blanket to get my first look. DD-girls are gone, replaced by a thick layer of bandage all across my chest, tubing, two drains, and . . . oh my lord . . . HOW long has my belly been that size??????! God bless boobs, they divert one’s attention from a myriad of flaws. Geez-louise.

Thank you, Covid-19, for the hospital stay’s solitude, I don’t mind, I welcome not having to share this day with visitors. Am only interrupted intermittently by nurses and the doctor. No big deal. Not much to tell. Post on facebook that I survived. Was released to go home the very next day with surgeon’s, “no restrictions. See you in a week, will have lab results for you then.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

FRIDAY, APRIL 17. HOME. Here’s where it gets funny. Seriously. Humorous. Reality. My youngest, Leah, volunteers to stay for the first few days. Plan on not needing much in the way of assistance. Stubborn. Not too uncomfortable, prop on pillows, watch tv, pain meds. First-night, decide my bed is where I will sleep, let her have the couch. Undeterred in the middle of the night, manage to get myself to the bathroom alone. Good for ME!! Ah, but then the sun comes up. Right here I discover Super Woman I am not. Attempt the same maneuver and the stabbing pain angrily asserts, “NOT THIS TIME, SISTER!” Ah, bladder is bossy and insistent. But Pain is in charge. “#*&@*#&$}” a little too loudly (translation) “Leah!! Help!!” She comes trotting and I’m laughing, trapped in my own bed. Arms frozen at my sides, literally cannot move under my own power without an instant excruciating reaction. With urgency (full bladder loudly protesting) instruct her to wring a bed sheet, get to the foot of the bed, hold the ends, let me grab the middle . . . PULL!! It works!! Whew, lesson learned, until I could get up and down on my own unaided, I didn’t sleep there again.

Drains. Grateful to only require two. Three times a day they need emptying. Unceremoniously, Leah’s job. When large portions of flesh are removed, one’s body compensates by attempting to fill the space with fluid, drains are typically inserted to draw off this fluid, speeding recovery. These ‘things’ (drain hoses) are just under my skin across the width of my chest, a stitch holding them in place at the hole (yikes) where they exit on either side. The bulbs at the end of the 12 inch lines are clear grenade-shaped receptacles collecting wound-juice. (you winched at the visual, didn’t you? haha) They get full. Necessary to milk the line first, with sterile gloved fingers of one hand, she grasps and steadies the line where it exits my body, with the other, she slides her pinched fingers down the tubing, pushes the ooze and any clots to the end. Pops the top of the bulb, empties 'ick' into a measuring cup, and logs the amount and color. Squeezes the bulb as she closes the lid so siphon will commence. My only job is to 'enjoy' the vigorous suction. eek

I sit dutifully still on a stool while she goes about her ‘work’, chit-chatting about this and that, am intentionally not watching the gore slipping, dripping into the bulb. She's not hurting me but every now and then will feel a subtle tug, a movement of the tubing. (shudder) Sunday evening she taps the bulb’s bottom on the table, remarking, “darned clot won’t fall through.” (rap, rap, smack) “Eww, that’s gross,” she says, “clot (tap) won’t (tap) let go ( jiggling it, the dangling, stringing bloody blob just hanging there, swaying back and forth).” My skin is warming . . . interesting sensation . . getting hot. Really HOT. She is sitting right next to me, is talking but her voice is fading. Am looking her direction, but she is drifting away in a misty vapor . . . waaaaaaaaaaaay over there now, voice, can’t hear her. Vision going and the room is moving ever so slightly.

I see my girl in slo-mo, she realizes what is happening, "Mom, Mom ... MOM!" (my mouth no longer works, cannot respond) hear her excited, “DAD!!!! Come quick!! Help! Mom’s passing out!!!”

Didn't. (did get to the couch . . sat still for an hour, feet up . . w/ice pack alternating on my neck, forehead) Didn’t vomit, so that's a 'WIN" for the day.

I learn to do it myself once she goes home. No big deal.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

THURSDAY, APRIL 23. A week passes, mostly uneventful. Sick leave, lounging, medicating, tracking excretion of Deb-juice, healing. Tough to remember the days in March and early April when I felt GOOD. I feel terrible. Blah - which to me, IS terrible. No fever, no signs of infection, just a general feeling of malaise. (such a descriptive word, ‘malaise’) Post-op visit, a follow-up with the surgeon. Oldest daughter Jess, chauffeur for the day. The entire drive down to Gallipolis, I imagine they’ll take one look at my sorry self, react in horror, re-admit me immediately. I have to be dying, something has to be terribly wrong. No one can feel this bleak and survive.

Mull my life over for that hour drive, did I live it adequately, what is left that I have not done, am I going to throw up IN or OUT of her car . . oh woe is me . . my thoughts are rambling, disjointed, grim. (BEYOND melodramatic) LOL Get to the hospital, I have to admit I cannot even walk in under my own power. I have no power, drained dry. Jess requests a wheelchair and I feel how I imagine being 150 years old and feeble feels, reliant on a stranger for transport up to the waiting area. Pitiful. I hate this. Too puny to care.

And remember COVID . . Jessica can’t come in with me. My mummified remains parked in a desolate waiting room. sigh I need a transfusion. I need a transplant, I need SOMETHING . . want my life back. Where’d Debbie go??!!

Eventually wheeled into the exam room (decrepit thing that I am) to wait. Surgeon enters, his normal perky self, smiles my direction. I lament the state of (absence of) well-being and inability to go to the bathroom for DAYS. (how embarrassing) “Sweetheart (NO, he did not say 'Sweetheart’) it’s your pain meds doing this to you. STOP THEM.”

huh?????!

Examines the 12-inch incisions on either side of my torso. Both doing well. No stitches to remove, interior stitches will dissolve on their own. Exterior sterie strips will fall off in the next week. He studies my drain-log, then simply remarks, “looks great, amounts are decreasing steadily. You want them (drains) out today?” (glimmer of hope) Instantly agree, so without ceremony and with a quick snip of a stitch and a wiggle of the tube and a firm TUG, one Jackson Pratt drain is out. Nasty thing now coiled on the exam table. OUT!!! The other follows swiftly. Oh dear lord . . feels soooooooo good to be rid of those things. Best part . . expected to have them at least another week, that the extrication of same, would be horrendous. Wasn’t. Didn’t hurt actually. Bandaids applied to my newest holes. No stitch, no nothing. “See ya in a month. No restrictions.” Surprised he didn’t pat me on my sorry head.

Trip home is infinitely better, envision the tunnel and light shining in the distance. aaaahhhhh

Not another pain pill crosses these lips . . the man is a genius. (epilogue: my decline was indeed induced by the pain meds . . out of my system - recovering was a breeze. TIP: get off them as soon as you can)

P.S. Almost forgot the most important part!!!!! Lab results!!! Geez . .the tunnel, the light . . THIS IS WHY!!! TODAY I learn I am CANCER-FREE‼️‼️‼️ Well, I would hope so!! Nearly six pounds of flesh sacrificed / removed . . CLEAN MARGINS around the tumor. Lymph nodes are CLEAR!!! Sentinel node removal a bit messy, seven others unable to be separated from it, come out as well. Sobering fact is that I, nor the surgeon, felt a telltale lump - but it was there. In black and white, sobering words, “STAGE TWO”. Appointment with oncologist in May to discuss options. Why??? Here's the thing about breast cancer, sometimes IT COMES BACK.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Want to tell you the euphoria was warmly welcome and long-lasting. Yes and no, in that order. Sharing with friends that surgeon ‘got it all’ was met with copious genuine exclamations of ‘thank God!’ and ‘hallelujah’. For good reason. Pathology report of clean margins and clear nodes is a positive outcome. IT’S GONE!! And like me at this juncture, believe that’s the end of it. Too few days of relief pass swiftly - the reality that it may not be over, steadily seeps back in as I educate myself. But with a stubborn childlike optimism, trust the oncologist will study my diagnosis, pronounce my journey with this evil thing over. “Deborah, congrats, you’re finished with it and it with you. Have a nice life.” Let’s go with that. I want it.

Just a couple more weeks to find out.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

In the meantime, at home I’m getting bored. ‘Bored’ is WONDERFUL. It’s normalcy. And a strong signal that it’s time for life to go on.

I am well enough to attend to work emails, becoming more frequent as students prepare to leave Athens officially, the stalwart diehards who came back after Spring Break despite the lockdown that commenced mid-March. Boredom, the impetus, that gets me out of the house.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 12 days post-op, several days free from pain-killers and feeling almost back to my old self, I slide behind the wheel of my car, new precious pillow between sensitive chest and the seatbelt and drive to work. Man oh man, how I missed 70′s radio . . sing all the way. I last at my desk for 4 hours this first day, mindful to recognize limitations, cut the day short, but go home triumphant.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THURSDAY, APRIL 30. Meet-my-oncologist day. (mentally mark off THAT on my ‘Life’s List-of-Dreads’) First things first, why am I here??! Surgeon recommends I have a chat with the man . . rule out the need for anything further. Youbetcha. Today is THE. DAY!! Fully expect to be ‘blessed’ and sent on my way . . “Debbie, you were lucky, it’s all gone. Your cancer journey was intense and brief and now it’s over. Go live your life, girl.”

Check in. Hunker down at the back of the vast lobby, comfy chair. I absorb the room. Oh you know I don’t want to, but I do. A few patients are here. One unhealthy looking older lady on a hospital stretcher over there. Another slightly-weathered woman near the wall, wearing a turban. And there’s me. Odd-man out, pain-killers now out of my system: (yes yes, am minus the ‘girls’) full head of thick hair, kinda sorta minimally wrinkly, feeling strong and healthy . . . like me again.

Name called. BP and weight. Perks of the day . . bp is good, especially good for me. Literally-asked-the-nurse-to-repeat-the-numbers good. And am down 10 lbs. I’ll take it!! Gee, this visit is headed in the right direction!

Lead to an exam room, given a questionnaire. Ugh. Bottom of the page. Please list details of immediate family members . . . health issues, explanation. Here we go . . Melvin / dad / died in 2000 @64 / lung cancer (scribble to the side ‘life time smoker’ . . like it somehow negates the dying) Tim / brother / died in 2000 @39 / leukemia (again, the scribbling, master mechanic, hands in chemicals) Stephen / brother / died in 1957 @6 weeks / S.I.D.S. Bottom of this page is an OCD nightmare, ink scribbles in every direction, sad that I ran of space. Add, “Cheryl / sister / is 61 / @60 stage IV breast cancer (’maintaining’ . . didn’t add, but wanted to, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!”) Janice / mom / is 81. Terry / brother / is 55.” Finishing up, as MY oncologist enters the room.

Brief introductions . . Cursory physical exam of surgical site.

Oncologist reviews the information I provide, studies my chart. Two verbal inquires of me -

do you or have you ever smoked? “no”

do you drink alcohol and how much? “rarely”

He pauses. He can ascertain I’m not fudging the details. “Never?” he queries again. Shake my head in the negative. Sincerely he adds, “this makes NO sense. Risk factors are not there for breast cancer. No sense at all.”

Dr. Hamid relates there is a genetic test that can be performed using my tumor tissue, (eewwww, they still have it!!) the results determining whether or not chemo therapy would be of any benefit to me. Again - I am confused why a person who is now disease-free, minus seven pounds of her best flesh, needs ANYTHING additionally. I consent. He jots down for me the chemo recipe that I would receive if it’s indicated. Metaphysically burns my fingertips as I take the slip from him. (chemo??! stifling a scream) If not, I would be prescribed a pill to stop my body's remaining production of estrogen. Anastrazole is the drug of choice, there are a few common side effects: bone/joint pain, fatigue, etc. Majority of women experience no side effects of any kind, he assures. (mental note of an over-achiever: I will be one of THOSE) Dr. adds, “Lab work takes about two weeks to get back. Come see me in two weeks please. Oh wait . . you drive quite a distance to get here, right? Just call my office on May 13, we can handle this over the phone.”

uh huh . . . so much for being blessed and sent on my merry way. CHEMO, sub-set item under 1. CANCER on ‘Life’s List-of-Dreads’. TRULY . . . there is nothing I enjoy MORE, than waiting on test results. (epic eye-roll right here, stomach twists in knot)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

This is the last chapter of ‘65 DAYS IN MAY’ (today it’s February 25, 2021) I am a procrastinator. Am still me, after all. My instructions were to call oncologist’s office on Wednesday, May 13, 2020, to learn whether or not chemo therapy was the next step in my cancer treatment. By now I have little recollection of the blur of days between April 30 and when Dr. Hamid called me with my genetic testing results, my Oncotype score. Every day seemed endless, recovering well, feeling progressively more like myself. I let work duties bulldoze me through those days, thoroughly occupied. I was thankful to have nearly 300 college students moving-out and moving-in on May 3rd. Grateful to be bone weary at the end of each day, having little time to thrash about the prospect of chemo - that, and staying safe as COVID rampaged.

TUESDAY, MAY 12, at my desk, alone in a pandemic-locked-down office. One last day not having to call, know anything. Ignorant bliss. Phone rings, spy caller I.D., uh-oh, cancer center. I stop breathing. Lift receiver, ‘Hello, this is Debbie.’ Not breathing. HERE WE GO (9+ months later now, still recall the catch of my breath and pounding heart. Am not exaggerating when I tell you time froze.) Dr. Hamid’s voice was soft, he wasted no time relating my Oncotype score plus chance of recurrence is low and chemo is not necessary in my situation. He’ll call in an Anastrazole script for me, it cuts my chance of recurrence to less-than 5%. Only question I had, “what exactly was my number?” 17 “See you again in 6 months,” as he ends the call. Stare at the phone receiver clenched in my hand.

NO CHEMO . . with exorbitant gusto, I EXHALE

Celebration fireworks in my head, both hands in the air, stifle an audible, triumphant HALLELUJAH! For the moment, issued a reprieve. I soak it up. Once composed, swivel chair to my right, run my palms slowly, purposefully over the desk calendar, lift the pages, studying, absorbing. Begin to count . . . .

STINT IN PURGATORY - 65 DAYS IN MAY

EPILOGUE

(stay tuned)

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brynwrites · 6 years ago

Text

What I learned while self-publishing.

@milkyteefs asked:

I'm unsure about the entire self-publishing world! Do you have a basic outline of the process? Some key highlights/headings of how you started and what connections you needed to make? Thanks again! <3

I went through the process of self-publishing Our Bloody Pearl this summer. Even with all the guides in the world it turned out to be a very grueling experience. I’ll be doing it again with Quasi Stellar soon, but I also hope to traditionally publish The Warlord Contracts trilogy.

First, let’s get this out of the way: Self published books are often very bad.

But they don’t have to be.

Self publishing requires you, the writer, to either wear the hat of everyone else at a publishing house, or be your own investor and pay for professionals to do the jobs you can’t. If you’re willing to put in that effort and money then you can come out with a more professional book than you might have had you published traditionally. If you’re not, then self publishing might not be the right road for you.

Now then, how do you self publish in a way that produces a professional book?

Fifteen Basic Steps to Self-Publishing:

1. Write and edit the book.

This is, understandably, the step that a lot of people get stuck at. Writing a novel is hard. Don’t worry about how or when you’ll publish it until it’s finished.

Just write it.

During this time you should also be marketing yourself as a writer. Learn more about that via my marketing tips tag.

2. Beta readers and critique partners.

Getting feedback from handpicked peers is essential for any book no matter which publishing route you choose. If these terms are new to you, learn more about beta readers here and critique partners here.

During your first book (or two) I recommend starting with critique partners and then moving to beta readers afterward, because critique partners will shred your novel down to the bare bones, which you usually really need the first few books you write. Critique partners will also generally pick at your grammar and typos though, which can be very useful at the end of the editing stage so that your manuscript looks cleaner to an editor (or agent, if you traditionally publish.)

3. Write your blurbs and summary.

While your story is in the hands of your final group of readers, you should already be working on blurbs and summaries. By the end of the publishing process you will need:

A back of the book blurb.

A one-two sentence logline style blurb.

A one page summary of the story.

Don’t put these off! They won’t get any easier if you wait. You can find tips on writing blurbs in this article.

4. Determine that you’re done making changes to the manuscript.

A writer who’s growing and learning will forever feel as though there’s something they can change in their manuscript, but at some point you have to decide that what’s done is done. You will always have another awesome book which will be even better than this one.

If you have trouble determining when this point should be, check out this explanation!

5. Make a publishing timetable.

Give yourself more time on your timetable than you think you need! Traditional publishing takes about two years for a reason. A lot of the steps below this point seem relatively simple compared to writing and editing a book, but they require you to learn new skills and spend a lot of time waiting for other people with busy schedules.

Five and a half: Start book two.

You might have already done this during the beta reading stage, but if not, start another book! Writers should never stop writing and editing (outside of planned vacations, emergencies, and mental health breaks, of course), so pick that pen back up and start pounding out another book.

6. Find a content editor.

If you ran a beta reading stage with 10-20 critical and knowledgeable beta readers in your target audience then congratulations, they served the purpose of a content editor already!

6. Find a copy editor.

A copy editor is the person who checks your grammar, sentence structure, flow, and word usage. I found my editor though the editorial freelance association directory. The main things to look for when choosing an editor:

Experience. This should include testimonies, information about any publishing companies they worked with, and the works they edited in the past. If you can’t easily access and double check these things, then keep looking.

Sample edits. Any editor worth your time will offer you a free sample edit. (For copy editing this is generally 750-1k words of your novel. I’m not sure about other types of editing.) Take advantage of this! Send the same sample to the top four or five editors who fit your price range and see who returns feedback that you jive with and feel comfortable paying.

What if I can’t afford a copy editor?

In general, you can probably get away without hiring a professional copy editor if you (a) find 3-4 solid critique partners who are willing to do a very detailed line edit and proofread of your final draft (do not take advantage of your fellow writers!! Offer them the same in return!!), (b) get free sample edits from a handful of freelance authors to see if they catch any major formatting issues you do regularly, and (c) learn what a style guide is and make at least a simple one for yourself while you do another round of proofreading.

Remember though, traditionally publishing exists specifically so that you, the writer, can get a professional edit without having to pay for it. If you want a professional book without putting in the investment, then querying an agent might be the better option for you.

7. Prepare to offer ARCs to reviewers and friends.

Getting reviews for your book is the most important marketing activity you can do. The sooner you contact reviewers about this, the more reviews you’ll have when the release date comes. Note that the large majority of book reviewers you contact will never respond. If you email 20 reviewers, expect to get one or two reviews out of it, most likely in 4-6 months. (Which is why you should email all your friends and past beta readers too.)

How do we maximize the number reviewers who will read our books?

You know those neat little lists of book blogs who will review indie books? Don’t use them. Anything that with nicely compiled and easy to get reviewer lists is going to be overcrowded with blogs who have two year wait-lists and 97% of them will never even email you back.

Instead, try searching for reviewers you already follow on twitter and tumblr. Look for semi-popular goodreads reviewers who put positive reviews on books similar to your own and check if they have a link to a blog, or an email for review inquiries. Find less well known booktubers that youtube links to off your favorite popular booktubers.

8. Format the book.

You can pay someone to format your novel, but its rather expensive for something that’s relatively easy to learn to do yourself using guides off the internet. Paperback and ebook formatting must be done separately, and your first time I would set aside a full Saturday to tackle each of them, just to be safe. If you have a program like scrivener, with a little tweaking you should be able to get a nice looking ebook with none of the hassle of learning html. There are many other options though. Do a little research to find the one which works for you!

(Note: If you’re printing a paperback you cannot get a paperback cover until you’ve formatted the book and know final page count for your print size!)

9. Hire a cover artist.

The book cover is the most important part of your book, so far as sales and success are concerned.

There’s a huge trend in self published books to skip this stage and work with photoshop or cavna instead. I would not recommend this. Cover artists for professional books do what they do full time. They know the market. They know what sells. So do some writers, but the truth is, many of the writers who think they can design covers, turn out the sorts of designs that are easily pegged as self-published books.

If you want a professional looking book that pops in the amazon charts, hire a professional.

There are a multitude of ways you can go about this. Some large cover art sites like damonza offer bundles which can get pricey, but let you back out with no charge if you don’t like their first drafts and include unlimited changes if you commit. There are also many freelancers who specialize in book covers, for a wide range of prices.

What if I don’t have the money to hire a cover artist?

If there is anything you don’t want to go cheep on, it’s your cover art. But let’s say you absolutely have to get a cover for cheap or free. There are people who do cover designs for $5 on Fiverr, and I think some of them actually turn out half decent covers for very specific genres, but its a gamble. A couple writeblrs do cover design as part of their day job and might be willing to do something cheep or for a trade. You could also learn how to design covers yourself, but if you want to compete with books whose designers went to school just to do what they now do full time, you’ll either have to put in a lot of time or be lucky enough to have a very good, easily executed idea for your particular novel, and hopefully not one with requires any stock photos unless you want to purchase rights to them.

Now, there are some exceptions. Some writers have a natural design brain, and some writers are in fact designers themselves. Sometimes you write a book where the perfect cover design is very simple and easy to produce yourself. But that won’t be most people, with most books.

So far I have seen exactly two of the hundreds of self publisher made covers I’ve seen have actually made me want to buy the story. I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just the truth.

10. Offer ARCs to more reviewers.

Now you have a nicely formatted book and everything! Who can resist that?

11. Do a cover reveal, and during the cover reveal, offer everyone there an ARC.

Cover reveals come in many different forms. Some writers just post the cover on their blog, some do livestreams on facebook, some do question and answer sessions leading up to the reveal, some even go all out and have other writers come talk about their books on their site for a full day prior to the cover reveal.

Do whatever works best for your schedule. The goal is to attract attention for the book, so make sure you link to anything you’ve already set up from #12, so people can easily find your book when you release it!

And, as always, give out ARCs.

12. Get your book and author profile set up on everything.

Prior to your book’s release you should have a goodreads author page, an amazon author page, and a bookbub author page, all with your book attached. You should also have a website and a mailing list (linked to via your ebook), prepared release announcements for every social media site you work off of, and be ready with attractive and easily noticeable links to the book’s sale page off your tumblr blog and website.

Keep in mind that some of these things will take a decent chunk of time to set up, and a few of them require a live human being to confirm you are who you say you are. Start them as early as possible!

13. Release the book!

Time to actually put the book out there for all to buy. You can do a similar hype release as you do with a cover reveal, if you so desire. Make sure you remember to post all your announcements and put up all your links.

Try not to check on the book’s sales until the following day! It does not help their growth or your mental health to constantly be haunting your sales charts. When you do check them, keep in mind that a book which sells two thousand copies in its entire life time has done well, all things considered.

The fantastic thing about self publishing is that you never have to stop selling your book. If you sell fifty copies your first month and then twenty the second and then five the third, you can always dive back into marketing, run a discount, apply for a bookbub ad, focus on marketing yourself as an author and gaining followers. You chose whether your book is done selling.

To offer pre-orders or not?

This is a toss up. In my experience, pre-orders aren’t a good idea for your debut self-published novel, even if you think you have a large audience who will buy them, because they take away from the sales you could have your release week, and the boost those sale give you on the amazon charts. If you do wish to offer pre-orders though, try going through ingramspark instead of amazon advantage, to save yourself tears and heartache.

To go amazon exclusive or not?

Many authors claim that you have to try both to know what’s right for any particular book. Do your own research and decide what you think is best for you.

Thirteen and a half: Start book three.

At this point you should already have finished at least the rough draft of second novel, so don’t forget to start your third book at some point!

14. Offer people read for review copies.

Especially if your debut novel is aimed toward broke teenagers and younger adults, there will be a lot of people who are interested in the book but aren’t motivated enough to actually buy it on faith alone. By offering free ebooks on a read for review basis, you...

Grow your reviews.

Create fans out of people who may have never read the book otherwise.

Have higher paperback sales, because readers who loved the ebook you gave them may decide to buy themselves a paperback.

15, unto infinity: Keep promoting your book into the sunset, while writing new books!

The time to stop promoting you book is whenever you feel you’ve had enough sales and reached enough readers. Until you reach a point where you’ve published so many books that you can’t handle marketing them all, you should still be trying to expand your readership!

And don’t forget to have a little bit of fun along the way. You worked hard for this. Celebrate it.

But what if I just want to get a book out there?

If your goal is not to publish a professional looking book with will expand your fanbase and set you on a path to full time authorship, but rather to have a piece of your writing available in a book format your friends and family can buy, then there’s no reason not to publish exactly how you wish to.

Are all these steps really necessarily?

I believe they are, at least for a debut novel. In fact, there are probably more steps which I missed entirely. But, if you can find multiple self-published authors who went through a less rigorous publishing process and still received hundreds or goodreads reviews, then by all mean, follow that process instead (and let me know about it!)

So which book did you self publish?

This one here! You can support me and my ability to keep giving writing advice by purchasing a copy today =D

#writeblr #writing resources #writers on writing #writers on tumblr #self publishing #authors on tumblr #writing tag: publishing

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angeltriestoblog · 7 years ago

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Your Comprehensive Guide to Passing the College Entrance Tests

College entrance tests season is a time in my life that I look back on with equal parts pain and fondness, which somewhat serves as a justification as to why I’ve been putting off this post for so long. Although I spent many sleepless nights re-absorbing lessons I never even got in the first place—all while having to deal with agonizing self-doubt and anxiety—I guess it’s safe to say that it was all worth it. After all, ya girl passed three out of the four universities she applied for: I have yet to find out if UP is willing to take me under their wing, but whether or not they want me, I can say that I am very much contented with my results.

Since I feel I’m in a position to speak on a topic like this, I’m back at it again and ready to help anyone about to tackle the beasts that are the CETs this year. I’m dividing this post into three parts, which will contain tips on how to go about everything before, during and after taking what most consider to be the most important tests of your life.

Obligatory disclaimer: This is ridiculously long and not everything that I’ve written here will apply to you, but hey, if I were you, I’d start taking down notes.

BEFORE THE TEST

One thing most people fail to stress when giving advice on this topic is the importance of adopting the best mindset. Understand that the CETs are a very serious and urgent matter, for you are tasked with preparing for the succeeding chapters of your life all within a short time frame, but at the same time, don’t allow the pressure that comes with it to lead to overthinking and comparison that will ultimately distract you from achieving your goal: passing. Stay driven and positive, and focus on yourself.

Now, on to the actual studying part. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the best way to breeze through these exams without breaking a sweat is by being a good student all throughout high school. Be the type to maintain a stellar general weighted average, keep all notes taken down during the past four years in an expanding file folder instead of using them to wrap dried fish and join as many extracurricular activities as possible. If you’ve already failed at this, it’s time to proceed to Plan B: review school.

I personally didn’t enroll in any classes over the summer, because I thought they only took place during the month of April, which was when my parents had scheduled our overseas trip for the year. Well, apparently, I couldn’t have been any less well researched and by the time I found out, it was already far too late. So, I had made the decision to opt for self-study. For some reason, I was the only one in the household who was worried out of my mind: my parents were very much convinced that I would be able to handle reviewing on my own, and prove that review school was not a requirement for acceptance into prestigious universities. I was touched by their unwavering confidence in me, but every word felt like an additional kilogram I had to carry on my back.

I got by through borrowing old review modules from my dentist (Tita Meng, I have no idea how you’re ever going to read this, but thank you so much for saving my life… and also straightening my teeth) and downloading sample tests from the Internet for me to test my knowledge later on. My efforts never felt like they were enough for me though: I remember looking up the curriculum for each subject I needed to tackle on the website of the Department of Education, researching each sub-topic that was vague to me and Khan Academy-ing my way to proficiency. Definitely an unnecessarily extra way to tackle the reviewing process, but hey, my mind was very much laden with doubt and I was willing to do the most. I also put up cartolinas on my bedroom walls with formulas for different Math and Science subjects, which proved itself useful since I actually spend a decent amount of my time staring off into space.

If the thought of doing all of this alone is stressing you out, then maybe it’s time to go down what is considered by most to be the safe route: enrolling in a review school. Doing so will provide you with all the lessons covered during high school in the form of actual lectures with qualified teachers, and hardbound notes that often come with sample tests that resemble the real thing. It guides you through the application process as well as gives updates on the schedules of most universities, and helps in parts of the test that cannot be achieved by poring over textbooks such as essay writing and even techniques for plain old guessing. All these benefits seem to provide their students with the confidence boost to top everything off, and I admit that I did feel inferior to most of my peers at some point for this reason. They all just seemed so put together, so at ease with their binders and pastel highlighters that it made me go through a period of regret and resentment. Do not let the perceived advantage they have blind you, though: do note that even if attending a review school helps you ace the entrance test, it does not measure your aptitude nor your ability to handle the workload that you will have to face as you make your way in the university of your choice.

Because I had to do everything alone, I had firsthand experience when it comes to waging a war with time: it was truly my biggest enemy during this point in my life. It’s obviously crucial to create a schedule and follow it regularly. If you’re anything like me, you’ve read this in several self-help books or heard this over and over again on productivity podcasts but planning truly is key. First, list down all the topics that you want to cover, complete with the estimated time it’ll take you to master them. Then, distribute them per day evenly so you don’t end up overwhelming yourself and cramming so much information in your head that you barely get to retain anything. It’s important to have a contingency plan ready as well, in case you needed more time digesting a particular topic.

Eliminate all distractions while reviewing. This is a cardinal rule for studying in general, so it will definitely increase in importance during a time like this. One thing I found important is to tell yourself why you have to do it, so it’s easier for you to follow through. For example, I’m pretty addicted to watching YouTube videos, so having to cut down my marathons and look at the number of videos on my Watch Later pile up was a bit painful at first. But upon conditioning my mind into thinking that I’d rather spend my five month summer vacation before college binge watching all the videos I had missed out on instead of looking for a university that was still ready to accept me, it was much easier for me to cut down on it.

Remember to prioritize breadth over depth. Cover as many topics as you possibly can, going over the basic concepts and important formulas. Then, knock yourself out with practice tests so that you’re fully familiarized with them by the time CETs roll in, because you never know how even the simplest questions can be twisted around to baffle you. A common mistake most incoming seniors make (myself included) is overthinking what could possibly be asked and going too into detail when reviewing. In my defense, it seemed like the natural thing to do during a situation of panic but if I had only known, I would have been able to save so much of my time and devote it to mastering everything I had learned.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if ever the need arises, whether it be from teachers, friends or upperclassmen. It might come off as a surprise to some of you, but there are many people who will be more than willing to help you, whether out of pity or genuine human decency. I asked tons of my classmates if I could borrow the notes they received from their review center, so I could learn more than I could have on my own (and maybe even compare their progress with mine). Sometimes, I’d disturb them at ungodly hours and call them up on Messenger to plead them to teach me the shortcuts in problem solving, mnemonics or acronyms. I was never the type of person to do that: honestly speaking, it felt like a direct blow to my pride to have to beg for something. But, it was my future at stake and upon remembering that, I no longer felt any shame [shrugs]

On another (but equally important) note: stay on top of your requirements for the different universities you’ll be applying to. Although they don’t normally start until July or August, it’s much better to get these out of the way as early as possible. Take it from me, who ran around Megamall looking for a photo studio a week before ACET apps needed to be passed. Stock up on ID pictures of different sizes, preferably 1x1, passport size and 2x2. Photocopy important documents like your birth certificate and grades forms, as well as your ID from the current or previous school year. Start thinking of who to ask recommendation letters from, brush up on your essay writing and interview skills and work on your CV if needed. Also, have a scanner ready if you plan on trying out for La Salle, since their application process is purely online. Be sure to keep track of your deadlines: don’t wait around for people to remind you, and please please please For The Love Of God do not cram everything until the very last second.

Strive to finish reviewing over summer break so you don’t have to worry about balancing CETs and academics, which is an entirely different playing field. I’ll come clean and say that I failed to do this, because there were still so many topics I couldn’t understand and questions I couldn’t find the answers to, even with the guidance of the Internet. Let me tell you, it was absolute hell as I didn’t have the time or brain capacity to digest lessons both for school and entrance tests. Please have mercy on yourself and focus on the classes you are to take during the school year, flipping through notes and flash cards sparingly when you have free time.

Now for the part that will probably be most useful to you all: the actual subject matter to study, focused specifically on the entrance tests for the Big 4 universities. Don’t use this as the sole basis of your review, since it’s not a guarantee that the topics covered this year will be the same as the succeeding ones. I remember looking up this one CET tips thread which said that the ACET was going to have mostly geometry-related questions. Since Ateneo is my dream school, I spent a ridiculous amount of time cramming everything from theorems to tangents in my head. So, you could just imagine my surprise when I actually took my test and was greeted by a maximum of four geom questions and a predominantly Algebra II and Trigonometry-centered Math portion.

ACET

Language proficiency

This test will assess your knowledge on basic grammar: correct usage of verb tenses, S-V agreement, analogy-type and a cloze test, where you are required to fill in the blanks with the appropriate word for the sentence. It also included an essay question about a particular word that differed from session to session. I had to make one on the word “superstition”, so I had written something on how I didn’t believe in them because I was raised by my family with a very strong faith in God. One tip people give out a lot is to try and relate your answer to either love for God or being a man for others, but do it only if it doesn’t come out forced. From what I remember, we were given 50 minutes to answer all of this, and I don’t mean to come off as boastful but English is and has always been my first language, so it didn’t serve as a problem on my part.

Mathematical ability

This test is feared most by previous test takers, and it was only when I crawled my way through it that I realized why it has that reputation. It’s composed primarily of basic algebra, algebra II and trigonometry questions, all of which are quite lengthy and require a decent amount of time to think through, especially if you’re not really the best in this subject.

Abstract reasoning

This test… Boy, what do I even say? It requires you to pick out the figure or shape that completes the pattern. There were 30 items all in all that needed to be accomplished within 10 minutes, and I couldn’t tell anything apart from each other. I feel anyone who tells you they took this test seriously and finished it without breaking a sweat is just messing with you. I don’t think there’s any way to answer this test without turning to our old friend (the shotgun method).

Logical reasoning

This test includes questions with a set of premises that you are supposed to analyze, and a list of choices containing possible conclusions that can be drawn from them. Your task is to pick the most logical one, which sounds like common sense at first. Apparently, this was a topic discussed in General Math, so there is a certain set of rules to follow. Not only did I not remember ever taking this up in my life, but I also skipped it during review so I had to borrow my classmate’s book and cram everything I could during ACET week (DEFINITELY NOT ADVISABLE). There was one part of the test that involved a lot of technical terms, which I did not read about or study but thank God ya girl was desperate enough and ended up finding hints in the instructions!

Vocabulary

Pretty self-explanatory type of test, with 25 words in five minutes. It seems overwhelming, but contrary to popular belief, it’ll be easy even for those who aren’t voracious readers.

Reading comprehension

This test will require you to fully understand the message of the text, and apply it practically or draw sensible conclusions from it. I breezed through this one as well, because I’ve been reading since I was in the womb, but this can prove to be difficult for those who aren’t used to it. I’ve been seeing this tip circulating that goes “Look at the questions first before the passage itself, so you know what to find” and although it can fool just about any lazy reader out there, I tried it for myself during the ACET because I was in the mood and it didn’t help me at all. If anything, it just slowed me down because I was doing twice the work: looking at the question then going over the whole thing to find the answer, then repeating the process instead of just reading the text once.

Numerical ability

This test was all word problems—age, work, mixture, speed—with a dash of ratio, proportion and variation. This was the last portion of the ACET, and not only was my brain fried to a crisp but I was also very eager to leave so this definitely made me want to scream as I was taking it. It could have been much easier if I had memorized the exact formulas, and practiced lots so I could work rapidly without sacrificing accuracy.

DCAT

Mema test

I don’t know the actual name of this test, but I called it as such because it was so all over the place it felt like the ones in charge of making the DCAT looked at the final draft, saw they were an entire subtest short and crammed these questions two hours before the deadline. It was a mix of both abstract reasoning and vocabulary, and was generally easy: the AR patterns were understandable and didn’t require a lot of analysis, while the vocab words were very few and quite common.

Math I

I read in this one CET tips post that this portion was, and I quote, “pretentiously difficult and time-consuming” and it’s absolutely true! It’s big on derivations of formulas and advanced concepts in algebra, it barely had any basics much to my dismay. My mental block during this part was at its peak: I didn’t know how to solve anything, so I simply substituted each of the missing values in the problem with a number and worked it around until both sides of the equation were equal. That obviously took a lot of effort, which stemmed from my refusal to let go of an item until I feel like I’ve tried my best in solving it. But, it doesn’t have to be the case for you, especially if you’re terribly pressed for time: don’t hesitate to skip if you can’t move forward!

Math II + logical reasoning

Undoubtedly the hardest part of the exam, because no one saw it coming and thus, no one was able to prepare for it. And to think I was already warned by my friends who took the DCAT the week before I did to review statistics: I went through my notes from Grade 9 on combination and permutation, completely unaware that it was going to focus on hypothesis testing and estimation of parameters, which we failed to cover in Grade 11. I thought I’d be able to get by, I remember even praying that there would be only a few items but the entire test revolved around it so I almost literally crawled my way through. As for logic, it was alright until they started using technical terms like I had no idea what modus ponus (hocus pocus?) is and I don’t think I’ve ever had to study that in my life, so I think it’s safe to say I didn’t perform well there.

Reading comprehension

This was pretty similar to the ACET, so the same description and tips apply. Nothing to worry about.

EAPP/Research

This test was the plot twist of the year: DLSU completely took out the traditional type of English subtest (identifying errors, vocabulary, cloze test, etc.) and replaced it with citing in APA format, the principles of academic writing and the parts of a research paper. I had no idea that this was going to be included, and thankfully, those who enrolled in review centers didn’t either so we were all pretty much on equal footing. But, I walked out of it without a scratch: I guess it’ll be easy for you if you contribute to the making of your research papers, but if you’re a freeloader, ayan diba sinabi ko sa inyo may araw rin kayong lahat O ETO NA YUN

Science

This test covers the four major areas: earth science, biology, chemistry and physics. It was so much easier than I expected, because it only centered on terms and definitions of important concepts. I was most worried about the physics portion, since I’ve always considered it to be my waterloo, so you could just imagine my relief when I saw that it was very formulas-based and could be aced by anyone who took it up in Grade 10. (Super long run-on sentence, I’m sorry) I definitely wouldn’t have been able to survive it without the help of Tyler DeWitt, the best Chemistry teacher anyone could ever ask for – I found him on YouTube during a moment of desperation and binge-watched all his videos the day before DCAT, and he is probably the sole reason behind my success.

Life skills

The easiest and best part of the DCAT, because it’s simply a test of your character. It provides you with a set of situations, and all you have to choose which one best applies to you—so, yes there are no wrong answers. It’s easy to think that the most logical way to answer would be to feign sainthood and pick which one makes you look like an Ideal Lasallian/Catholic/Person, but I advise you to stay as true to yourself as possible. Those in admissions have probably seen many people apply this strategy in the past, and will most likely appreciate your honesty and view it as a way of seeing a true glimpse of your character.

UPCAT

Language proficiency

I think I was only sure of about 75% of my answers in this test, and to think this was the easiest part of the UPCAT for me as language is supposed to be my forte. Although it revolved around the basics—identifying errors in sentences, cloze set, rearrangement of sentences to form a paragraph and vocabulary—it came in both English and Filipino, which really tired me out early on.

Science

Hardest test of them all, to the point that taking it felt like my brain was getting hit by different trucks all at once. It covered all four major areas, including earth science. There were a ton of tables, graphs and diagrams that needed to be interpreted, and experiments to be analyzed: it’s big on practical applications and understanding of concepts. Don’t memorize any formulas, acronyms and mnemonics as you definitely will not need it at all.

Math

This test ran through a little bit of everything: from basic algebra to geometry, trigonometry, word problems and even statistics, sequences and number theory. It’s important to memorize all the formulas and learn how to solve problems fast even if they’ve already been twisted around. Math has never been my strong suit, so at this point, I was very close to hyperventilating. I even remember shading the wrong circles for ten questions in a row because I skipped one item. I also took around three bathroom breaks at this point, and spent 30 seconds sat on the toilet praying.

Reading comprehension

This was the first time I ever loathed this kind of test, when it’s supposed to be my strong point. It’s just that the previous subtests were so mentally and emotionally draining, that I didn’t have the brainpower to tackle it. It didn’t help at all that the passages chosen for the UPCAT were not the usual narrative types that are actually entertaining to read, but were incredibly information and detail-heavy. (They made really good memes on Twitter, though: no one was over the patis, newsboy or Super Ferry 9 for a long while.) The best thing to do at this point would be to go for the easiest and shortest ones first, to give your brain time to repair and prepare itself.

USTET

Mental ability

This test seeks to assess your common sense through a mix of logical reasoning, analogical and basic language and arithmetic problems. I don’t think I have to give you tips about this part at all, because it’s that easy.

Science

This test also includes question on all four major areas, but the main difference is that there are close to no practical applications of concepts – surprisingly, UST only cares about the definition of terms. Thus, intensive review probably won’t be needed: you could just skim through your notes from junior high school and have a good grasp of what’s going to be included.

Math

This test had mostly basic algebra and geometry, as well as some word problems – nothing too difficult. One other fun thing was that there was so many of the same type of question, so if you have the formulas memorized and a certain technique in answering, you could get so many (if not all) correctly.

English

This test focused mainly on basic grammar, figures of speech and subject-verb agreement. There was also a tiny part about oral communication and research, which I wasn’t able to prepare for but it’s a good thing I actually bothered paying attention to my teacher in Grade 11 or else I wouldn’t have been able to answer a thing.

THE DAY BEFORE – DURING THE TEST

Now, normally people would tell you to rest the day before any big test: drop all books and notes and mentally psych yourself for the battle up ahead in the form of face masks and comfort food. Although it sounded incredibly tempting, I obviously didn’t follow it because I was running short on time and had so many things I had yet to fully understand. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t experience any adverse effects and even retained everything I had crammed into my head. So, you’re technically still allowed to review: run through flash cards and try a bit more practice problems if you wish. The only thing you have to make sure of is that you do not stay up late: sleep is crucial for memory retention and BASTA PARA DI KA LUTANG, and you do not want to realize that you’ve taken it for granted on such an important date.

Pack all your essentials the night before in (preferably) a small backpack that you can easily lug around. Bring two #2 Mongol pencils, an eraser, your test permit, a school ID just in case and food to snack on: my personal favorites of the season were seaweed crisps that I got for a buy one, take one deal in Robinsons Supermarket, raisins and trail mix. Scientific studies in the past have claimed that chewing motions can help stimulate your brain, but I just believe it just doesn’t feel right to engage in battle on an empty stomach. Coordinate with friends who’ll be in the same testing center as you, in case you won’t be able to survive in such an environment without someone to sympathize with you. Personally, I didn’t bother meeting up with friends for three out of my four tests because I wanted to feel independent and possibly run into new people.

If you’re anything like me and you hold on to God for dear life in almost every situation that brings you difficulty, don’t forget to pray for enlightenment and the capacity to accept His will, whatever it may be. As much as possible, try to hear Mass the day before your entrance test. Funny story, I was supposed to do this on ACET Eve, but we got stuck in traffic and missed the opportunity to. I ended up running to my parish while the staff were closing it (I didn’t even know that was a thing – what about the troubled souls who need guidance in the wee hours of the morning!) and muttering the most desperate prayer under my breath in a minute. I even lit a candle outside because I wanted to pass Ateneo that badly. Looking back, I found that it helped me lots because I was able to lift up all my worries to Him so I wouldn’t have to bring them along with me the next day.

On the test day itself, the best weapon to have in your arsenal is a good mindset. Walk into the testing center like you already passed, stroll along the corridors like it’s your first day in that university and look at every question as another step closer to freedom. Do not overthink or panic: I know it is much easier said than done, but it won’t hurt to fake it till you make it (sometimes, in situations like this, it’s the best option available).

Keep track of time limits: don’t be afraid to glance at the wall clock or your wristwatch from time to time so you can pace yourself properly. Don’t take too long on one item: if you don’t know what to do with it in 20 seconds, just come back to it when you have extra minutes to spare. If you’re not sure about the answer to an item, make the most intelligent guess you can by racking your brain for the very limited stock knowledge you have on that topic. Choose one letter to be your go-to choice if you really don’t know the answer: mine was C (for Christ, truly) although I don’t know if that’s still a wise decision because universities might start picking up on this strategy.

Look back on all your answers: if you have the luxury of time, re-read everything from the instructions to the passages to the choices provided, because sometimes, even if you were 110% sure of what you were answering during that moment, you may have missed something important. If you happen to be one of those beasts who come prepared enough and you’re completely sure of everything already, catch a quick nap to recharge those batteries instead of scouting for attractive fellow test-takers. I swear, there will be many more of them in college: at present, it’s best to exhaust all efforts into actually getting a university.

AFTER THE TEST

The minute the proctor makes you put your pencil down one last time and submit the questionnaire forward, let it go. Completely forget that it happened: don’t spend the succeeding days discussing answers with peers, as it will almost always end with you regretting things you can no longer change. Do not keep a countdown until judgment day ticking in your head either: choose to take this time to let your life return to its normal state. Shift your focus back to your academics for the school year, and be preoccupied with your interests once again during your free time. Remember to treat yourself as well, because we all know it’s not easy to study while simultaneously worrying about your future. After all my CETs, I made sure to eat out with my family and spoil myself with chick flick marathons and skin care products. Most importantly, be sure to keep praying as it is the key to accepting what happens in the future and regaining peace of mind. As cheesy as it sounds, trust in God’s plan for You and know that He has a reason for everything that is about to happen.

Now, on to the final stretch: the release of results. (This is a pretty timely thing to be talking about right now, since as of this writing, I’m waiting for UP to make a move within the week) If you pass your dream school—or any university for that matter—congratulations! Your hard work has finally paid off, and the promising future you’ve built up in your head is slowly turning into a reality. Don’t forget to thank all those who made this possible for you: God, your family, friends and teachers who believed in you through every sleepless night and mid-morning breakdown. Remain humble though, and be careful not to gloat in front of those who didn’t pass. I know you’re not really obliged to act a certain way to please them, especially during a time as joyous as this, but it’s all a matter of empathy: I’m sure you’d feel the same way if the roles were reversed. One thing you’re left to decide with if you’re lucky enough to pass more than one college is where you’re headed off to. Personally, it’s course over school: go for the program that suits you best and will help you pursue the career path you wish, since that will do you more good in the future than the reputation of any institution. If you are not entirely convinced by that spiel, do not hesitate to ask help from those you trust most: preferably family members, teachers and counselors. I left out friends, because I don’t think it’s a wise decision to choose a specific school just because that’s where they’re headed.

If you fail to make the cut, however, indulge in your right to cry right now. I’m sure that it must be disheartening, planning out a future in a school that ended up “rejecting” you in the end, but news flash: the race does not finish here! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready for the results of the other schools you have applied for. Be sure to surround yourself with only people who are capable of uplifting your spirits and helping you believe in yourself during such a trying time. If the worst case scenario happens and you are left with no college at the end of the day, it’s time to get hustling: look for universities that are still accepting applications (some schools out there have entrance tests every month, and results come out instantly), or send in letters of appeal if ever you truly have your eyes set on a specific campus. That’s not something I have much expertise on though, but almost everything you will need to know is on the school’s official website.

And, there you have it! Everything I could tell you about the college entrance tests! I spent approximately three days trying to kick my writing slump in the ass: my eyes hurt and I may be suffering from carpal tunnel but all of that means nothing as long as I’ve been able to guide one hopeless soul out of the dark. (Yes, I patterned that after my comprehensive guide to surviving Grade 11 – my brain is dying, and I have no time to think of an ending catchier than that.) I’m on summer break now and I’ll be going to Korea next week, so expect a lot of lighter and more amusing content!

Stay in school, kids!

Angel

#angeltriestoblog #cets #college entrance tests #philippines #upcat #acet #dcat #ustet #cet tips #life dump #recs

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florrickandassociates · 8 years ago

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TGF Thoughts: 1x10-- Chaos

Thoughts on the season finale of TGF under the cut!

Things I’m going to miss over the hiatus: These batshit credits, the thrill of starting a new episode.

Things I’m not going to miss over the hiatus: THIS DAMN FORD COMMERCIAL THAT PLAYS DURING EVERY SINGLE BREAK, paying $6/month for All Access.

As I’d hoped, this episode was written by the Kings and directed by Robert. Robert King’s directing always elevates his episodes because he can capture everything exactly as he wants to, so I’m excited to see that he directed Chaos.

There’s been a fairly diverse list of writers and directors on TGF this season, and I hope there’s even more diversity next year. Also, get Rosemary Rodriguez to direct a season two episode (or several), will ya?

The music that opens the season finale is familiar: it’s You Were Right About Everything by Erin McKeown. A promising start. I love this song. It’s up there with my favorite songs from TGW.

The visual that opens the episode is familiar, too: Maia, nervous, the background behind her black until the lights slowly come up. When we met Maia, she was taking the bar exam. Now, she’s preparing for an evaluation in the workplace.

She sits alone in a partner’s office (I still haven’t been able to figure out which office is Adrian’s and which is Barbara’s), staring at the folder in front of her. It’s labeled with her name, and she reaches for it. She’s barely opened the folder when Adrian and Barbara walk in.

For the record: if you pause the screen on the open folder, you can see that it’s the average of her peer evaluations. You can’t see what they are, but the sheet of paper on top is labeled. Fun fact: it’s the same form template as Alicia’s peer evaluation from TGW season 2. I know this because I have Alicia’s peer evaluation form from TGW s2 screenshotted and saved on my computer and I look at it frequently.

Barbara thanks Maia for coming in early. They do evaluations with no advance notice at this firm?

“Am I being fired?” Maia asks as soon as she gets a chance to speak. Barbara and Adrian—well, mostly Adrian—seem surprised that Maia’s making this assumption. “It’s just, um, you’re both here at the same time,” she observes.

“No, this is our twice yearly progress report on associates,” Barbara explains. Again, did no one warn Maia about this in advance? The date of my first review was included in the offer letter for my job!

Barbara gives Maia her results: everyone thinks she’s smart (“Okay,” replies Maia) and they know she’s been distracted by “the business with her family.” Maia senses that there’s a “but…” on its way, so she apologizes and explains she’s tried not to let it get in the way. Barbara keeps speaking. Her family isn’t the problem (and neither, it seems, is the fact that Maia doesn’t fucking work). Her lack of boldness is. She needs to assert herself more.

I understand where this evaluation of Maia comes from, but I don’t think boldness is really her problem. The way she talks and stumbles over her words creates the impression she’s not assertive, but the things she says and the moments she chooses to speak strike me as being quite bold. I can’t remember how she was in court because we haven’t seen her in court since, like, episode 2, but within the firm, the few times I recall her working, she’s been almost inappropriately bold. She marched into Adrian’s office and asked if she was being fired in one episode; in another, she spoke up to argue against a partner about rape threats; in a third, she was the only one to directly ask Pastor Jeremiah if he had sexually assaulted a minor.

As I said, I get where this narrative comes from and why it’s tempting to play with. Maia comes off as unsure and shaky (my goodness, the way she talks!), and I don’t doubt that she’s supposed to come across as meek and afraid to speak up. I also don’t doubt that partners who rarely work with her would walk away with this impression: she does exactly what she has to do and no more. But where I would take this would be, rather than a discussion of boldness, a discussion of complacency. Her vocal tics aside, this is where I think Maia has a lot of room for improvement.

If there’s one thing we’ve seen in all aspects of Maia’s life, it’s that she’s very willing to let life happen to her. And why shouldn’t she be? Up until this year, everything’s gone her way. She’s had plenty of money, a family so perfect she has to invent drama, a girlfriend she met at age 18 and is still crazy about at age 25, a clear trajectory from private school to college to law school to a first job with a prestigious firm… it’s no wonder she expects things to work themselves out. When we met Maia in Inauguration, she was worried about being seen as entitled while having no qualms (or without recognizing) her own entitlement. Similarly, as her parents’ scandal unfolded, she kept believing what she always had, even when all the evidence pointed towards their guilt. She realized last episode that she’d, on some level, known all along and blocked out everything unpleasant.

It would make a lot of sense if that attitude spilled over into the workplace: she asserts herself when she’s threatened or feels upset by something, but otherwise she keeps her head down. That’s the kind of thing, I think, partners would notice. There’s a world of difference between an employee who does what they have to and an employee who’s engaged with their work. Maia strikes me as the former. She strikes me as someone who’s always been the person who does what they have to while following the path that’s been set for her. Now, she has to figure out what path she wants to be on. Why did she go into the law? Did she have a clear reason (helping others, being inside something that made sense to her, a fascination with the law, a particular type of law that interested her), or was it tempting because it’s what her godmother did and it’s what her significantly older girlfriend was doing and it’s a profession her parents’ peers would approve of? Now that she’s passed the bar, does she have different goals? When she can’t be complacent anymore (and she can’t be—she doesn’t have the money to fall back on anymore, and she’ll lose her job at worst or never advance at best if she doesn’t take initiative at work), what does she want? Who does she want to be?

Maia responds to the criticism by apologizing. Of course she does. Adrian calls her out on it. He advises her to choose a partner and follow them around to learn. He tells her to insist on following them around. He also suggests that she tail Diane, which seems to defeat the purpose of this whole exercise. “Hey, godmother who got me this job and my last job, can I follow you around for a day?” That would really push Maia’s comfort zone.

“Do you think that worked?” Barbara asks after Maia exits. “No,” Adrian replies. “Let’s give her two weeks,” Barbara says. Oh look at that, Maia’s the underdog now. This is definitely a Robert King episode.

They call in Lucca next. If she’s anxious, she’s not showing it. Whatever uncertainty she’s feeling—and she does seem a bit restless, as most would right before a performance review—she knows how to mask. She looks at the folder but doesn’t open it. “This is the bi-yearly review?” she asks as Barbara and Adrian walk in. (Again, do they not tell their employees these things?!)

“How’d I do?” Lucca asks. “You kicked ass,” Adrian says. And thank goodness that’s what he says, because I would’ve screamed at my screen if Lucca got a performance review anything less than stellar. Maia’s workplace performance may be underdeveloped, but Lucca’s certainly isn’t. She’s shown herself to be smart, responsible, and independent while still being a team player, as well as someone who’s not afraid to assert herself when she has something relevant to say. And, what she has to say is always relevant.

So it’s wonderful—but not surprising—to hear Adrian and Barbara give Lucca such a glowing review. Two years ago, Lucca was working as a bar attorney—a thankless job—and now she’s doing great things at a big firm that appreciates her and recognizes her talent. I’m thrilled for her!

Oh, and also Lucca has the most billable hours on the floor. In case we needed further proof that she’s great.

I said this a few weeks ago, but I want to emphasize it so I’ll say it again: Lucca doesn’t go above and beyond at work because she’s competitive. She goes above and beyond because it wouldn’t occur to her to do anything less than what she’s doing. She’s a natural at this. She’s intellectually curious, passionate, hardworking, and sharp. And when you put a person like that in an environment where they can thrive, you get associates as good as Lucca. It’s no wonder the partners valued Lucca’s opinions on Diane so much.

(I love the high angle shot of Lucca smiling. The high angle shows that people who outrank her are the ones talking, but usually, when there’s a high angle to convey a power differential, it’s used to convey bad news or put someone in their place.)

“Lucca, we don’t want to lose you. We’d like to move you to a bigger office and put you on the partner track,” Adrian says. I’M SO HAPPY FOR LUCCA!

A smile on her face, Lucca carries a file box into her soon-to-be-old office. Maia’s on her couch with her feet up. “They hate me,” Maia says. I… am not sure how we got to the point where Maia is comfortable just going into Lucca’s office and putting her feet up on her furniture and complaining about her life without asking Lucca how she’s doing. I feel like it’s pretty bold to assume you’re friends now and put your feet on someone’s furniture. But I won’t make too much of this, and I especially won’t make too much of Maia talking without asking Lucca how she’s doing because this episode makes it very clear that Maia’s willing to step up for Lucca.

“Every associate gets a mediocre review,” Lucca reassures Maia. “No, they don’t. Did you?” Maia asks. “It was mixed,” Lucca replies, with a smile that Maia might not notice but I definitely do. But Lucca’s point is accurate: most people don’t get the glowing review she did. Most people get reviews like Maia’s.

Maia invites Lucca over for dinner. Aww, friends!

The men’s room door bangs into Lucca’s office wall shortly after Maia leaves. Omg, did we really go this whole season without this gag being done to death?! Thanks, Kings! “I’m gonna miss that so much,” Lucca says to herself. LUCCA QUINN IS MY FAVORITE.

Marissa is putting post-it flags on her fingers as Jay quizzes her for her investigator license exam. She warns Jay that if the firm doesn’t want two investigators, she’ll be coming for his job. Yes, because there’s only one law firm in all of Chicago that might need an investigator.

Kurt phones for Diane. She doesn’t answer because her 10:00 is waiting. Marissa asks if Diane will talk to Adrian about her becoming an investigator. Diane is surprised by this and says she’ll follow up with him once Marissa reaches out.

Diane’s new client is Mr. Bitcoin/Piper from OITNB’s awful ex. Has Diane ever interacted with him? I thought he was another one of those people that always goes through Alicia. But Bitcoin for Dummies is such a boring episode I’ve probably blocked it from my mind completely.

Mr. Bitcoin is being framed for cyber terrorism. He explains what’s going on in tech references that Marissa understands, because Marissa knows everything about everything because investigators are magical sources of plot information.

There’s gonna be a blackout in nine hours if Diane doesn’t help Mr. Bitcoin, or something convoluted like that that necessitates taking a flash drive filled with malware to the DOJ.

The DOJ?! That means this case is now Lucca’s problem. I forgot Colin existed for a second and was wondering why Lucca would have connections at the DOJ. Probably not a good sign if I’m forgetting one of your series regulars exists, show.

Again, showing a building that says CHICAGO BOARD OF TRADE does not convince me you’re inside the DOJ.

Colin and Lucca sit down for a meeting. It’s awkward. Lucca seems uncertain about whether or not their breakup was a breakup. Seemed definitive to me. She’s also brought along a shirt of his that wound up at her place. Then they turn to work matters.

Lucca passes the flash drive to Colin. She says her client found it on his computer. She does not use the word “malware” which struck me as strange the first time through since I would think you’d want to make that absolutely clear if you were giving someone a flash drive with malware on it. That said, I would also think it would be totally obvious that you don’t plug a flash drive involved in a cyber terrorism case into your computer; you give it to someone you trust who knows computers.

Colin interrupts his boss with news of the power grid attack. His boss is in the middle of a session with none other than Henry Rindell. Henry’s facing 35 years now. He is not interested in 35 years. He is also no longer interested in killing himself. Now he is interested in fleeing. Henry Rindell, Cartoon Villain: just when you think he can’t get any worse, he manages to surprise you.

Colin’s boss guesses that Lucca’s the source. Uh oh.

NO BUT WHY WOULD YOU PLUG A FLASH DRIVE CONTAINING MALWARE INTO YOUR COMPUTER AT THE DOJ

Maia talks to Diane about her review. “That’s just constructive criticism,” Diane says. She, like Lucca, thinks it’s normal. Then she remembers she had a call from Kurt and is like, sorry Maia gotta go bye! In the middle of the conversation.

But Diane doesn’t get to phone Kurt: there’s a nurse at Harbor Hospital on the line for her. She tells Diane she’s listed as Kurt’s next of kin, which can only mean bad news is about to follow. “I’m his wife,” Diane says hesitantly. The nurse puts her on hold for an excruciating second, and Diane braces herself for the worst. “Oh my God, please, please,” Diane says as she waits. Kurt’s in surgery after a car accident. Diane heads to the hospital immediately as the music that’s on the menu for one of the TGW DVDs plays.

As Diane exits in one elevator, people from the DOJ arrive to detain Lucca for introducing malware into their system. Y’all, you did that all on your own. Don’t take your own stupidity out on Lucca!

Lucca’s still all smiles as she packs up her office. Then she notices the agents. Maia notices them too, and rolls her chair into the hallway to watch.

“We’re retaining Miss Quinn as a material witness,” the AG says. “No, you’re not!” Maia tells him. Pretty sure the law doesn’t work like that, but way to be bold, Maia! “Uh, actually, I don’t know who you are, but yes, we are,” the AG says as he brushes past Maia. And, thank God, Maia doesn’t tell him her name.

“She’s gonna fuck you up,” Lucca tells the AG. Heh.

Henry knows he’s going to leave, but he can’t say goodbye, so he just gets really pushy about inviting Maia to dinner. “Be safe, please,” Henry says. And for a second, but just a second, I thought he might have feelings.

Maia listens in on the partners discussing Lucca’s detainment and barges into the meeting with information. YAY BOLD MAIA!

Diane stumbles a little every time she introduces herself as Kurt’s wife. Aww. As she waits for the nurse to direct her to Kurt, she spots a man wearing only one shoe behind a curtain. I don’t know if this is reality or Diane’s perception—I’d bet it’s the latter—but man, what an excellent way to show us what’s going through Diane’s mind. She’s thinking about the last time she was in an ER; about how she went in expecting to find Will in surgery and instead found his dead body behind a curtain. I’m emotional just thinking about it, and I’m not the one reliving it.

Luckily, Kurt is going to be fine, and Diane’s able to see him fairly quickly. He’s awake and doing fine, and of course he’s one of those sick people who thinks they know better than the doctors and can do whatever they want immediately after surgery.

Kurt explains someone else was carjacked and he was knocked down. This is vague. Kurt is mad his whole day got delayed, and Diane seems happy to hear Kurt being Kurt.

Kurt pretends to forget why he was phoning Diane earlier.

“Don’t do things that put you in the hospital, okay?” Diane cries. Kurt agrees.

And now that the immediate danger is over, Diane can check her phone. Maia’s texting her to let her know that Lucca was detained. It’s Wednesday, March 22nd. Maia’s peer review said April 10th. Hm.

“I mean, it just never stops,” Diane remarks. Nope. You’re in an episode written by Robert King, after all.

Colin’s mad at his boss for getting Lucca involved. Colin tries to resign (didn’t this happen already?) but instead he’s being promoted to deputy.

BARBARA IS IN COURT!!!! I REPEAT, BARBARA IS IN COURT!!!!!!!!!!! MORE OF THIS PLEASE!!!

Now Lucca’s being prosecuted over this. Do people really charge people based on such flimsy evidence? I feel like on this show everyone’s always being prosecuted when there’s no evidence at all.

Maia wants to help Lucca, so she kills two birds with one stone and insists on tailing Adrian.

Henry is really really really trying to get Maia to come to dinner. You’d almost think he cares about her.

He has a nice scene with Lenore, too, and yeah, for a second I truly did think Henry Rindell might have a heart.

There have been people dropping papers in the background of at least two scenes. Why?

Henry’s lawyer tells him that if he takes the 35 years, Maia will be off the hook. If he doesn’t, she’ll be prosecuted. And Henry, fucking asshole that he is, has to think about this. HE HAS TO ASK HOW MUCH TIME MAIA WOULD SERVE. FOR FUCK’S SAKE. WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS? YOU ARE A GUILTY OLD MAN WHO WOULD RATHER YOUR DAUGHTER SPEND TIME IN PRISON—AT THE START OF HER CAREER!!!—FOR CRIMES YOU KNOW SHE DID NOT COMMIT THAN DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS?!?!?! What a fucking horrible person.

My favorite thing about this scene is watching Henry’s lawyer realize how horrible and selfish Henry is that he is not jumping at the chance to help his daughter. I know Maia “betrayed” him in court, but, like, that was after he tried to frame her and take down her firm and his closest friend. Henry Rindell is a real contender for the title of world's shittiest dad.

Somehow Internet Troll from 106 is involved in the cyber terrorism thing. He’ll only talk to Diane. Diane’s acquired her own Sweeney! (By which I mean an obnoxious person who will only speak to her.)

Ugh, Troll is so offensive.

Marissa shows Diane a video on YouTube (not ChummyVideo?) (Oh, ha, it is Chummy Video when Diane opens up the link). It’s security cam footage of a woman being carjacked. Kurt appears in the frame and fights the carjacker. The video is titled “Hero Saves Baby from Kidnapper” and Diane’s stunned and impressed. Of course Kurt saved a baby from a kidnapper and got hurt in the process.

Colin has to take the stand. He’s not happy, but he is truthful.

Again, WHY DID Y’ALL PUT THE FLASH DRIVE IN YOUR COMPUTER?

Adrian suggests that Colin is trying to frame Lucca because he resents her for breaking up with him. Cush said in an interview this scene reminded Lucca of what she did to Diane in the TGW finale, and I wish the episode had engaged with that idea more.

Adrian fires Mr. Bitcoin as a client after that. He tells Diane it was just an act, and Diane and Adrian both have plans for how to proceed. Both of their plans involve Troll.

Court is back in session and only Maia’s there. Adrian asks her to step in.

At first she’s a little awkward, thrown by Troll’s statements on the stand. She accomplishes what she needs, and then Dincon (the AG) starts trying to make Troll look anti-Semitic (which he is but that’s not relevant here) to make the judge—who is Jewish—biased against Troll. Maia gets angry and she gets confident and she stops speaking hesitantly. She even tells Troll to shut up! Everything she says works. This is very different than what we’ve seen from Maia before, and it’s great. Has Dincon figured out who Maia is yet, btw?

Bold!Maia is nice to see. Also, I don’t think this is Maia “trying to be bold because Adrian said to.” I think she’d have done this any day for Lucca and this just happens to also be an opportunity to prove herself and to use the partners’ criticism as extra fuel.

This goes back to my point about complacency. Maia will fight like this when she can’t be complacent because her friend’s being prosecuted. But will she fight like this on all of her cases, or will she just do what’s expected of her and nothing more? I know I’ve said this a thousand times, but questions like this (and the fact that oh my GOD is the conspiracy stuff badly written) are why I’d like to see Maia’s arc have less to do with her family and more to do with her workplace. These themes—complacency or boldness—are easier to illustrate if there’s more day-to-day. If everything we see from Maia has to be connected to something bigger, whether it be a prosecution of Lucca or her family’s scandal, how can we get a sense of her work ethic?

Henry says he’ll take the deal but he wants the night with his family. I BOUGHT IT.

Turns out Mr. Bitcoin is a cyber terrorist. Surprise!

And… the blackout happens.

Lucca’s free because they caught the real hacker. She tells Colin she knows he’s not responsible. “Be careful out there, Lucca. It’s nuts,” is all he has to say in reply.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Diane says to Adrian as they watch the city, dark except for the lights on cars passing by. “I love this city,” Adrian says. They’re shot from behind, just like Adrian and Barbara at the end of 1x08. Hm.

I don’t have much to say about this scene but I like it a lot. It’s essentially Adrian and Diane talking about the law and the world and their place in it. The scene itself sums up the feeling better than I could. It’s a mission statement for the show: the law is the only constant in this new, dark time (get it? The blackout represents darkness?) and that’s why they have to use it in the good fight.

Barbara is listening in on this whole conversation. It’s not an incriminating conversation, but it’s one Barbara probably isn’t thrilled to hear taking place between her co-managing partner and the new partner he just brought on without consulting her. Plus, the song that plays over the scene starts with the lyric “now that I’ve lost everything to you/you say you want to start something new” which is pretty on the nose.

The Rindells are having a nice evening as a family (I thought Maia was supposed to have dinner with Lucca?) for once. It’s everything I’ve wanted all season! They feel like a family!

Even though Maia’s learned like a thousand times that her dad is a scumbag who was totally guilty and willing to use her as a pawn to reduce his sentence, Maia tells her dad he needs to fight instead of taking a plea. “I saw the evidence,” Henry says. “What evidence?” Maia asks. Um, the evidence that your guilty father is guilty like everyone who isn’t you can see? “Dad, I spent today thinking I was overwhelmed by evidence. But with a good argument…” Maia says, sounding like she has just discovered the law.

Also, that’s not exactly what happened. There was no evidence against Lucca because she was innocent and the DOJ was reaching to try to find the name of the firm’s client. A good argument can only take you so far, and I’m stunned that after all the progress we’ve seen Maia make, one good day in court has her preaching about the power of a good argument.

But this may just be one of those instances where I don’t think like the character. I can see Maia wanting to believe that, despite everything, her father’s still innocent. I can see her being on such a high from doing well in court she doesn’t think about the limitations of her approach, nor does she consider the risks of continuing to fight these charges. She’s got a lot to learn if she still thinks that way, but maybe I should just be quiet and admire her optimism.

“I’m guilty,” Henry admits. Maia still seems surprised. I thought she figured this out episodes ago, but okay. Still sucks to hear him admit it.

“No, Jax did,” she protests. Guys I’m trying my hardest not to scream at Maia right now. I know I have more perspective on this than she does but oh my god oh my god oh my god Maia.

Henry says it was all of them—Lenore too. Everyone knew and they paid off the SEC.

“I am so sorry to disappoint you,” Henry cries. “You never could,” Maia replies. Ugh what was the point of episode 7, then? Was that not disappointing? Also, I’m so sorry that your last words to that horrible man were most likely to reassure him that he could never disappoint you… when he damn well knew he was about to get you sentenced to five years in prison.

I guess I sort of believed Henry the first time through, too. I thought maybe he would prove himself to be slightly better than I thought he was and would take the deal to protect Maia (and because, uh, HE’S FUCKING GUILTY). NAH. Henry chooses to flee instead. Fuck him and his cartoon villain ways. I hope we don’t have to deal with him in season two. And I’m so sorry his decisions mean we all have to live with more Rindell scandal drama. Maia doesn’t deserve that shit, and neither does the audience.

(My apologies to anyone who’s enjoying this plot. Though, I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone actually express interest in this plot??? I’m sure there are people out there. And, if you’re one of them and you’ve read this far, I’d love to hear your perspective because maybe there’s something in here that’s worth appreciating.)

Diane drives Kurt home. Kurt doesn’t want to be praised for being a hero. “I represent unscrupulous people, and you save children,” Diane says. And he never takes a case where he has to support anyone who’s guilty—there’s that, too.

Kurt invites Diane to stay the night. “I love you,” he says. “I was so hurt,” Diane responds. “I know. It won’t happen again,” Kurt says, like that’s going to fix the whole thing.

For now, it does: Diane gets back into her car like she’s going to leave, but she turns off the headlines and takes Kurt’s hand. There’s still a lot of love there.

I have no problem with Diane taking Kurt back after he cheated. I still don’t believe Kurt would cheat, but I think it’s a little late to make that argument. But. I need more than “It won’t happen again” to get past this. How is that enough? I’m not Diane, so it’s not my call whether or not it’s enough for her. Still, as a viewer, this isn’t satisfactory. I don’t know why Kurt cheated. I don’t know when he cheated. I don’t know if it happened once or if it happened multiple times. I don’t know if it was just Holly. You can save babies from kidnappers and be a serial cheater. Just because I want to forget that Kurt cheated doesn’t mean “it won’t happen again” is enough for me to believe it won’t. I think he owes Diane a conversation, and I hope we get a conversation next season. Unless, of course, Diane doesn’t want one. (And if Diane doesn’t want one, I want to know for a fact that that’s why no conversation has taken place.)

I want more development of Diane and Kurt in season 2 is what I’m saying.

Lucca goes over to Maia’s for a very late dinner. “My convict!” Maia greets Lucca. “My lawyer!” Lucca replies. Awww! This is cute! More of this friendship in season 2, please.

“Looks like a soft porn movie in here,” Lucca remarks. It does. Maia has a ton of candles burning. Amy’s on her way home. They’ll all eat cold mac and cheese. And drink wine.

“To a weird three months,” Lucca toasts. I can’t hear this line without thinking about A Weird Year.

Maia shares a theory she has: For every weird three months, there are three normal months. “I mean, the world has to live in balance, right? So, my guess is, the next three months will be boring.” Good luck with that, Maia.

When Maia opens the door, thinking it’s Amy, she gets a surprise: Dincon is there to have her arrested for perjury. Aaaand that’s a wrap on season 1.

The Kings are really, really good at writing the big episodes. They always include the moments they need, the right character pairings, and the perfect balance of small moments and big moments. They’ve done this for years—this comment is nothing new. But I wish they’d learn from their mistakes.

When TGF began, it seemed to have a clear arc: Diane would deal with loss of status, a cheating husband, and a new work environment, Maia would adjust to working life and living in the shadow of a scandal, Lucca would get more to do in an environment that valued her (the pilot wasn’t as strong for Lucca as it was for Maia and Diane, admittedly), and RBK’s mission and workplace drama would drive the story forward. That’s not really what we got. Diane’s huge financial losses disappeared after only a few episodes, even though the writers could’ve gotten much more mileage out of it. Kurt’s infidelity was mentioned frequently but not explored in-depth. Diane became a full partner after a few weeks at her new firm. Diane’s relationship with Maia felt like an afterthought when it could’ve been something that brought Maia in to the core of the show. And, just in general, Diane didn’t get the meaty material I’d hoped she would. I didn’t need this to be the Diane show, but she was written as a supporting character more than a co-lead!

Maia in the workplace took a backseat to Maia with her family, and, as I think I’ve made quite clear, nothing about the arc with Maia and her family was necessary. A young woman realizing her parents are criminals is compelling enough—the world’s most predictable whodunit (all the characters you thought were scumbags are scumbags!) just took away time from learning more about Maia. After ten episodes, I barely know who Maia is, and now the show’s threatening to do a Maia-goes-to-jail arc?! To do an arc like that, I have to be invested in the character, and I have to believe the stakes.

And the workplace itself? I love RBK. I love all the characters there. I love that it’s a firm with a mission and the type of place Diane always wished LG was. And I think it would’ve made a fantastic and natural environment for most of the action of the series. We have regulars at several levels of the firm—a first year associate, a third year associate, a junior partner, two managing partners, an assistant, an investigator— with complicated relationships already established (Lucca hurt Diane in court but welcomed her to RBK; Maia is Diane’s goddaughter; Adrian wants Diane at the firm but Barbara does not). So why not focus on that and forget the conspiracy drama? Every time we got a hint of these interactions and power dynamics, it was great! But those hints were few and far between. The finale did a fantastic job of showing the firm’s hierarchy and all the relationships and how they’d developed since episode 1, but that’s no way to develop characters over time. What’s in the middle matters. Too often, these writers forget that. They have great ideas but lose track of them for most of the season, and when they return to their original ideas in a finale or a big episode, I wind up with mixed thoughts.

On the one hand, I’ll take great character moments any day. On the other hand, every time I see a great character moment that required more build-up, I get annoyed. If this was where you were going all along, why didn’t you show it earlier? If Diane was annoyed with Alicia for running for state’s attorney, why the hell didn’t the Kings write a scene about how Alicia’s campaign was affecting the firm during any of the episodes between 6x03 and 6x12? (One of many examples from TGW.) If Maia wasn’t being bold enough at work, why didn’t we see more of Maia working and failing to assert herself? If Barbara is concerned about Diane taking her spot, for fuck’s sake, why couldn’t we get more insight into who Barbara is and how she thinks? If Diane’s struggling to get back on her feet, can’t we see that struggle? If Diane and Lucca had a strained relationship, why didn’t we see them moving past that? This list of questions goes on. And on. And on.

To end on a positive note: I’m impressed with the writers for making me care as much as I do about the new(er) characters, given how much I love TGW. That most of my complaints boil down to wanting more of the many things TGF does well is a very good sign.

#The Good Fight #TGF Thoughts

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