#thank you jeopardy for bestowing me with this information

[spineless-lobster]

I found out that they found an ancient roman coin depicting odysseus taking argos for a walk and I’m going to start sobbing uncontrollably

[millimallow]

ch. 25 - truces

those who can talk are not always meant for it.

when they wake us up at night, i’m never quite sure what’s happening. i remember my last position- slumped over one of the cargo crates, only half awake and sucking on one of the psychoactive twigs me and the rest of the soldiers collected from the nearby bushes. start hoping that i’m not in jeopardy for falling asleep on the job, because those sorts of pleasures have violent ends over here.

but it’s not that. not this time, anyway. someone else fell asleep on the job- in a metaphorical sense, though. all i can really feel in the moment is the metal-lined and leather padded gloves on my shoulder, numbed by the remnants of my previous high. but my hearing is different. we never expect to get told much, but security gets lax within a highly-armed circlejerk so within ten minutes of being marched to the main compound i hear the telltale words. something about edenska, and something about a diplomat. so much for a successful international relations strategy.

the man himself is exactly what i expect from a diplomat. we’re brought into the room, me and this fellow soldier, and i blink though the darkness to see him. bound by rope to one of the leaking pipes affixed to the wall, blindfolded like a carnival doll for children to fire darts at. he has the pudge you can only gain from being a government official in a war-torn state, older than most people even have the chance to get around here. some dark and scraggly facial hair is hanging off his chin and for a moment he reminds me of my uncle- a clerk at the government office and the rich man of our family. and in the moment i’m afraid to see his eyes. the eyes always remind you of the person, but this time? a further look of similarity might be too much. which is unfortunate, as this isn’t the type of job you can quit.

suddenly, there’s a weight in my hands. it’s still much too dark in there to make it out with my eyes, but by passing my fingers along the construction of the device i’ve been handed i get the idea of things. that this is the kind of rough-and-ready rifle that they’ve refused to issue us while on guard. citing that we’re supposed to alert the camp before fighting back, which essentially translates into cost-saving measures and the reassurance that we’re totally expendable. right now, it’s telling me that we’re meant for business. as does the light turning on suddenly, and the presence of a tall and masked man in the corner by the door.

“extract information if it’s possible. afterwards, we don’t care what you do, but make sure to get rid of him. and don’t remove the blindfold. execution will follow summarily if the blindfold is removed for both you and our captive.”

well, i think. they’re not being particularly transparent about who this is, even when they’ve already made it so obvious. and in the moment when i’m thinking, the door opens and shuts. which i don’t notice, but once i do, it feels odd. we’re usually monitored during these sorts of things. but it’s late, later than usual. higher-ups in the chain of command are often spoiled when it comes to things like regular sleep schedules. for us three, there’s no chance of a restful night.

once the masked figure is out of the room, my fellow guard removes their mask. i can recognize their face now- one of the other students in my class- halfling and elf at the same time, significantly shorter than me but with a powerful look of authority bestowed upon her. i curse myself internally for being nearly 6’ and still remarkably inept at conveying any sort of power. it’s probably the drugs. as a gesture of trust, i remove my mask too, blinking to try and hide the way my eyes vacillate in and out like a cat’s pupils. i nod to her and she nods back- in her hands is the same weapon i’ve been equipped with. which seems to me like overkill, considering we’re dealing with a pampered government official tied to a fucking drainpipe. and that if they send the army after us no weapon on owa could protect us from execution at their hands.

“you know what’s going to happen, right?” it’s my fellow soldier speaking. she’s addressing it to this poor schmuck, but it could equally be a dig at me, equally unprepared for my first dance at the ball. still bound, he nods, and she nods at me. what’s with all the nodding? either way, i do what i vaguely remember from my training, and hold the barrel of the rifle to his forehead. the promise of death. he grunts when the cold metal comes in contact with his forehead and his facial muscles twitch like he’s opening his eyes, albeit to see nothing.

“is that a gun?”

i turn to my compatriot, looking for an answer in her face to whether i should answer. and whether i should do it sincerely. her expression is mostly cooperative.

“yes. rifle, actually. we don’t have takka itaakun money.” he’s almost laughing now.

“neither do we. so when my boys come to fetch me, you’ll have a little while before they catch you.” me and her share a knowing look.

“they’re going to come and rescue you?”

another grin. “they’re running out of people with a university education. who are, you know, willing to get themselves killed.” and this time i’m laughing, even with my compatriot maintaining a formal silence.

“damn, you got the university education? i’m just sick of this shit.” not entirely a truth, but not far off. particularly the university education.

“yeah. so when they come for us, if i’m still alive… i’ll negotiate you two into a position of privilege back at home. my home. with the condition of information, of course.”

with the sudden creeping feeling of a thousand eyes on my back through the narrow window behind me, i move to shake his hand as my compatriot lifts hers in a gesture of immediate surrender.

and i thank myrzas that there’s no security cameras in here. i thank her for the infinite excitement and potential of life. i thank her for the blessing of luck. my own hand goes up in the air, one reserved for freeing the diplomat from his bondage until i can hold it up too. he places his arm around me as a gesture of protection.

truces come in many different forms.

[one-of-us-blog]

Runaways (TGP, Episode 14)

Today Eli is forced to watch and recap Runaways, Episode 14 of The Golden Palace.  We’ll actually be bidding farewell to a cast member this time, so get ready to fight back some tears…maybe?  That is, unless Sophia does something crazy, like abducting a child and running from the cops.  But that would be crazy, right?  Keep reading to find out…

Drew is still on hiatus the moment, and I’m doing my best to catch up, so let’s not waste any time with unnecessary preamble!  It’s time to head to The Golden Palace!

Buttocks tight!

Episode written by Mitchell Hurwitz, directed by Lex Passaris

Before we even get started, Oliver is actually included in the opening credits, which must mean that he’s back from the orphanage or has perhaps escaped from the cupboard in which Roland keeps him locked most of the time.  Once the episode begins, Sophia discovers a dead fish in the kitchen and assumes that she has received a Sicilian death threat, until she remembers that she ordered it.  She also asks Chuy if she can borrow his car to hit the town, but he wisely refuses.  She bestows a pox on the chef for his rejection and mentions that pox-delivery is kind of her new thing.  Blanche also declines to give her a ride, as she is busy planning a Sweet 16 party for their banker.  Blanche gets smited as well as receiving a pox for her betrayal.  Blanche has bigger concerns, however, as she has somehow replaced her sex drive with a food drive, and is putting away meatball subs as fast as Chuy can deliver them.  But she is hopeful that things will turn around soon, as she has a hot date with a man named Ernie that evening, and we all know that dudes named Ernie are incredibly sensual.

Blanche’s date causes her to miss auditions for entertainers for the Sweet 16 party, and the task is left to Rose and Roland.  First up for consideration is the world’s worst mime, who traps himself in a literal box.  Roland gets a call from the Department of Social Services informing him that Oliver’s mother is out of rehab and ready to take him back, or at least to sell him for drug money.  In other words, the showrunners have realized that they’re never actually going to use this kid, and child actor laws are a real nuisance, so it’s time to write him off for good!  Roland is afraid of getting Oliver’s hopes up so he asks Chuy to keep this news a secret for the time being.  The two try to act casual as Rose enters the kitchen, leading to a collaborative Yankee Doodle whistling performance.  Blanche arrives with news for “the girls,” and Roland gets a little too annoyed at being referred to under this umbrella term.  He forgets his anger though when Blanche reveals that she has had “the Big O” for the first time in her life.  This is a little hard for everyone to believe, but Blanche has another date with Ernie that evening, meaning she will be neglecting her responsibilities and leaving Rose and Roland to pull her weight again.

Rose and Roland continue to discuss Blanche’s absence, which has led to a number of problems.  For instance, she forgot to proofread the text on pens that were ordered for the hotel, and which now read “PENIS COMPLIMENTS FROM US TO YOU.”  Rose tells Blanche that she shouldn’t be seeing so much or Ernie no matter how skilled a lover he happens to be, and she gets mad and storms out.  Meanwhile, a homophobic guest gets offended when Roland hands him one of the new pens, and also mentions that he gave his car keys to Sophia.  You guessed it, she’s off on a joyride with her left blinker on, and Oliver as her co-pilot.

Let it sink in for a moment that we are only now seeing Oliver at all, in an episode that is largely about his exit from the show.  And I’m not even convinced it actually is the actor who plays Oliver in this scene, as we really only see a couple of dark silhouettes to represent him and Sophia.  At any rate, we hear some voiceover banter between the two misfits for a while, as Sophia cruises at 25 miles per hour down the freeway.  Truly she is born to be wild.  Meanwhile, Roland has notified the cops of their absence, and Blanche has checked in with the Boys Club and Senior Center to no avail.  She would have more luck with casinos.  Roland gets mad at being called a girl again, and Blanche mentions that Ernie will be coming to stay at the hotel so she can mix business with pleasure.  Oliver’s mother shows up at the hotel and thanks Roland for caring for her son, and wants to know where he is.  Roland explains that he is out with his foster grandmother, and tries to pass Sophia off as a good role model for the boy.  We then cut to Sophia pulled over on the highway, and telling a police officer to bite her.

Blanche is next preparing for an evening cruise with Ernie, and Rose tells her off for running away from her responsibilities.  The cop brings Sophia and Oliver back home (that’s right, the kid is actually in this scene), and says that he didn’t book either of them due to their ages.  They both try to pin the blame on one another.  Roland decides that he’ll tell Oliver the news about his mother off-camera that evening so that Billy L. Sullivan doesn’t have to display any real emotion, and in no time flat, the pair of delinquents has already taken the keys to a guest’s motorcycle and sidecar.

To wrap things up, we find out that Blanche has broken up with Ernie because she realized that she really was dodging her responsibilities and she doesn’t need a man to be happy.  Oh, and Oliver is gone.  That’s right, we didn’t even have to say goodbye!  Instead, Roland just acts a little sad, and tells the girls that Oliver left a note.  That’s it.  Sophia is just glad that she was able to teach the kid some valuable life lessons.  As a final bit of comic relief, we see during the end credits that the “mime” is still trapped in his box.

The End.

I actually loved this episode, but perhaps not for the right reasons.  It is absolutely hysterical to me that this show, which has already basically ignored someone billed as a main cast member, realized halfway through the first season that this kid was dead weight and shipped him back to his mother…but mostly, that they wrote him off the show in this manner.  Little Billy L. Sullivan only got one scene (and some very brief voiceover), and didn’t even get to tell anyone goodbye!  It’s almost as if the writers disliked him as much as I did.  The rest of the episode was fine, but kind of forgettable.  Blanche’s pen blunder reminded me of a future SNL Celebrity Jeopardy! skit, and it was fun to see Sophia out on her joyride.  But the treatment of Oliver as a character legitimately had me laughing out loud, even if that wasn’t the intention, and for that reason alone I’m going to give this episode 4 poofy hairdos out of 5!

Check back in soon for Drew’s take on The World is Not Enough, the next 007 film, and then I’ll return eventually with a recap of Heartbreak Hotel, the next episode of The Golden Palace.  Until then, as always, thank you for being a friend, and for being One of Us!