#thank you for your concern its really no big deal im just whiny

[wind-becomes-lightning]

Ayo so that was a bit of a concerning post about not wanting to live. You good?

I will let you in on a secret: No matter how much I dislike myself, my life, my face, everything about myself, I will not ever uh... get rid of myself so to speak. It won't happen. Not only because death scares the fuck out of me, but also because I've seen my family after my dad died and I can't add to that. I just can't be that selfish.

So no, not very good. But we say in german "es muss" like "it has to" which sort of means like.. yeah sucks, but you gotta go on. But if I, as bo burnham put it so nicely in inside, could just fall asleep and not wake up for about seven years, I would do it

[dustingrayves]

clean slate (7/?)

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Pairing: (eventual) addcest [LPDE] & elsain [LKATh] WC this chapter:  Rating: T+ TWs: (past) abuse, talking about it  AU: modern/single parent Lusa (with his tiny son Arc) + runaway Esper Notes: this took a long ass time im sorry but i wanted to make sure it was, soft and reassuring as it should be. this fic is rly close to my heart and writing it is very tiring in a certain way

anyway. esper & lusa talk it out! 

ao3

Lusa had thought Esper would be uncomfortable, but much to his surprise (and elation), he isn’t. Then again, he hadn’t been that uncomfortable around Knight or Arme.

At least the second time around.

Esper had taken to cooking lunch for them all, the biggest pot sitting on the stove, filled with rice. A saucepan rests next to it, thick sauce with pieces of meat slowly cooling down from its boiling point. The scent permeates the whole house; it had lulled Arc downstairs from where he’d been preparing his room for the other boys.

“No, dad! I have to make it into a fort!” Arc had cried in the morning, stubbornly pulling along all the blankets and pillows that weren’t in Lusa’s own bed. As an afterthought, Lusa made him return a set to the guest room. Esper needs somewhere to sleep, too, after all.

The Sieghart-Ishmael family arrives right on time, not that Arme’s punctuality would allow for anything else. They come in like a hurricane, Shea chasing Anpa as soon as they’re out of the car and backing him right into the living room. Arc joins in, siding with Anpa, and soon enough, they tickle Shea back into being nice, the redhead pleading with them to let him go.

Lusa turns to offer Esper an apology, but is stunned to see the man laughing and making his way over as if it were the most natural thing, kneeling down and stopping the boys before Shea’s laughter could turn into tears.

“Great with kids, isn’t he?” Knight says, watching the scene from besides him. Lusa nods absently, his expression softening.

“He’s great in general.”

Knight snorts, casting the taller man a look, but doesn’t bother commenting. He follows Esper’s beckoning and goes over to the kitchen; Arme is right on his tail.

The table in the kitchen is way too small for all of them and soon enough there’s Esper, holding two too many plates. He seems to manage them all, though, setting them onto the coffee table with ease. Knight follows with a bottle of cola and his own plate, Arme with the other plates, and the kids with cutlery.

A heated debate starts between the boys and Esper about which superpower is the best and would win in a fight. In the end Esper convinces them that stopping time would be better than any magic. By the time they conclude this, the food is set out.

“Arc, why didn’t you tell us you have a new dad?” Anpa asks as Arc takes a mouthful — his timing is always impeccable.

“Yeah, Esper’s so cool!” Shea agrees enthusiastically.

Esper almost chokes on his food, coughing loudly to try and clear his windpipe. “I’m not Arc’s dad, guys,” he says, nervously looking at Lusa. He, however, didn’t seem to notice the remark. That, or he’s pretending not to have heard it, though Esper can’t fathom up a reason why he’d do that.

“But you cook and help me with homework,” Arc pipes up, having finally properly chewed and swallowed. “That’s what dads do!”

Esper doesn’t know how to reply to that, and Lusa is of no help whatsoever when he looks over again. In fact, he’s pointedly ignoring everything and switching through the TV channels faster than he can even notice what’s on them. But when he looks closer, Esper notices the prominent blush creeping into his tan cheeks.

“Does that mean Esper and Lusa do stuff like dad and papa?” Shead ponders, barely legible through the food he keeps cramming into his mouth.

“Like kissing and stuff?” supplies Anpa, at which Shea nods.

Esper’s heart skips a beat. Or a bunch of them. “I— I don’t—”

“Okay, that’s enough. You’re not supposed to talk with your mouth full, it’s rude,” Arme interjects, and his look makes Shea shy away in guilt, silently chewing through his next mouthful.

Esper stays silent for the rest of the meal, even when Lusa makes banter with Arme and Knight. The kids don’t seem to notice his detached state, but Lusa sure does, sending him concerned glances.

“What’s for dessert?” Arc whines when everyone but Arme is done with their food, looking at Esper with those big doe eyes. “Is it ice cream? Do we have ice cream, Es? Ice cream, ice cream!”

Anpa and Shea join in, equally as enthusiastic, voices whiny and prolonging the words. “I want ice cream, too!” “Me too, me too!” “Esper, please!”

Who is Esper to say ‘no’ to three matching pairs of pleading eyes? Plus it gives him the excuse to escape the stifling atmosphere in the living room that he couldn’t find on his own.

“I’ll go get you some. Wait here, I’ll be right back,” he says, smiling at the boys. He collects the empty plates and cutlery and retreats into the quieter and safer, less confusing kitchen.

“I want the ice cream!” Arc whines, kicking his feet up where he sits. The couch makes dull thuds as his tiny feet hit it.

“I’ll go help him,” Lusa says finally, pushing himself up and going over to the kitchen.

He finds Esper nervously shifting in front of the counter, three bowls of ice cream neatly arranged on it. But the container hasn’t been put away and Esper’s eyes are glued to it as he tangles and untangles his fingers sporadically, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

“Esper?” Lusa calls out, and immediately winces, because the lanky man quite literally jumps three feet up, shoulders going stiffer than Arme’s work face.

“Ah, Lusa— I—”

“What’s wrong?” Lusa asks, to stop whatever excuse Esper has bubbling up from within him.

“Well, I…” Esper’s shoulders sag and he jerks his head to the ice cream container on the counter. He looks unjustly guilty and Lusa can’t figure out why. “I also… wanted ice cream,” comes out of Esper finally, quiet as ever. “I— Can I?”

So that’s what happened.

Lusa’s stomach makes a very uncomfortable flip at the familiarity of such uncertainty. He steps closer, but tries his best not to be too up in Esper’s personal space.

“Esper,” he says, but the other man keeps his gaze pointedly trained to the floor. “Hey, can I touch you?”

After a moment, Esper gives a hesitant nod.

Lusa’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder, just a gentle pressure. It moves up and his fingers curl around Esper’s chin, only putting slight pressure, and ultimately it’s Esper himself who yields and lifts his chin, looking at Lusa with wide eyes.

“Listen to me, Esper, okay? There’s no— okay, are you listening, listen closely, there’s no circumstance where you couldn’t. You can eat the whole damn thing if you want to,” Lusa tells him, making sure Esper is looking right at him. “You don’t have to ask these things.”

He lets go of Esper’s chin, but he doesn’t move back yet, waiting until Esper says something, until it sinks in, anything. He’s surprised when Esper’s hands come up and wrap around him, giving a small squeeze, but as quick as that, they’re gone; Esper steps back a little, scanning Lusa’s expression for any signs that that had been wrong.

He doesn’t find any.

“I— thank you,” he forces out, feeling like there’s a lump lodged right inside his throat. Lusa’s lips stretch out into a wide smile.

“You can have all the ice cream, but,” he says, moving to the cooking cabinet. “not without sprinkles.”

Esper is bewildered when Lusa produces a colorful box and scatters some (way too much) of the sprinkles onto all four of the bowls. Lusa notes Esper gave himself less ice cream than the kids. Baby steps, he reminds himself. It’s a start.

Lusa pops up back from work while Esper eats dinner and watches something that looks awfully like a cat vine compilation.

“Hey,” he greets, and feels more worried than reassured when Esper hums in return, shoveling the reheated leftovers into his mouth. He doesn't even raise his gaze from the laptop. Lusa sets his bag down and plops himself next to the lankier man. “You’ve been… not yourself since the sleepover. If there’s something bothering you, I wanna talk about it.”

His tone — maybe a little more forceful than he’d intended — makes Esper pause, but he doesn’t tense up or do anything else to indicate he wants to get away from the situation.

“I—” Esper stares down at his plate, fork tapping against the blue plastic. “Sorry, it’s stupid, I just— keep thinking about what he kids said.”

Lusa reaches over and pauses the video with a tap, making sure they aren’t interrupted. “It’s not stupid,” he declares, stretching an arm. “Touch okay?” he makes sure to ask and only when he receives a nod does he put it around Esper’s shoulders. “If it makes you worry, it’s important.”

Esper laughs, though he seems to lose his appetite and sets the half-eaten meal onto the coffee table. “You think I’d make a good father?” he asks out of nowhere.

“Dude, you’d make a great dad! You can deal with kids really well and they like you too!”

Esper’s lips curl into a wistful smile. “Thanks. I… used to think dads were totally different, and I vowed I’d never ever be like him and— oh. I shouldn’t talk about that, huh?”

Lusa’s arm pulls Esper closer, almost unconsciously. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. But if you wanna, I’m all ears for you.”

“He was a really bad father. I mean, I knew it wasn’t really normal, I just— I never realized how not normal it’d been. Not until… I met you. And I— I really don't want to hurt Arc, but he thinks I’m staying and I don’t know how to tell him I’m not without hurting him and being like him—”

“Hey,” Lusa says, stopping Esper as he starts going down a spiral. He doesn’t even realize tears have sprung into his eyes — or that they started rolling down his cheeks — until Lusa moves to wipe them with a thumb. “Do you want to leave?”

“I— I don’t know?” Esper answers, though his inflection warps it into more of a question than anything. “I don’t want to freeload you, I already owe you a lot.”

A flash of uncontrollable rage bolts through Lusa.

Not at Esper, god no, but at the fucker who made this his first thought process.

“You’re not a freeloader, and you don’t owe me shit.” Lusa takes a deep breath to stop himself from growling. Esper looks away, hiding his worried look. “Listen, you staying here? That’s me paying you back. Y’know, for sending you to the hospital?”

“You said it’s a polyclinic—”

“You never had to cook or clean or anything, but you did, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by saying something. I know you feel obliged to, I know that feeling, but I promise you aren’t. Plus it’s not like I’m gonna kick you out, if— if you don’t wanna leave. It’s nice having you about, y’know?”

“Wait—” Esper cuts him off again — the first time that has happened, he thinks — looking at him with a frown. “You— how would you know about this feeling?”

Lusa starts, but laughs. “You told me about yourself, so I’ll tell you too. Arc’s mom, her name’s Sera, and… y’know, she wasn’t the best person. We met at the university, we were in the same course, and I, I idolized her. She was pretty, she was smart and skilled and resourceful. I thought she loved me back, I really did. We worked together, but for her, the work was always a priority. We’d pull allnighters and she’d get me to bring her whatever she needed or wanted. I was more of an errand boy than anything partner-like. And her slaps were legendary. I’m serious, she could send me sprawling halfway across the room with one if I did anything to get between her and her latest creation. I haven’t seen her since Arc was born; she just packed up and left. She never wanted a kid, but she used her pregnancy to wind me around her finger even more.”

“How…?” Esper asks, shakily. His brows are so drawn up that Lusa thinks they might stay like that if he keeps it up longer.

He shrugs. “She’d always go ‘I can’t bend over like this, you do it!’ or saying things like ‘You put the kid in me, but only I can get it out, one way or the other.’ That one was terrifying.”

“Wait, no! I meant… how can you just… talk about it like this?”

Lusa seems perplexed. “It was a long time ago.”

“But that— sounds horrible!” Esper almost cries out, “How can you be… so normal? I’m a— I’m a wreck!”

Lusa pulls the slighter man closer, so close, in fact, that Esper ends up leaning on his shoulder. He doesn’t complain because he appreciates the option to hide his face.

“As I said, it was a long time ago, and I had help. It took years, you’re not supposed to be okay. Whatever happened to you is gonna leave a mark,” Lusa says, carding his fingers through Esper’s short hair.

Esper mumbles something into the fabric of his shirt, but it’s too quiet to make out.

“What was that?” he asks, coaxing Esper to repeat himself.

“I said, do you think I could be like you? Okay?” Esper says, still in a low voice. His expression is utterly begging as he looks up at Lusa.

“Of course, Es,” Lusa answers, doing his best to sound sure of himself. “It takes time, but you’re away from him now. If you want, I can help you. Me and Knight and Arme. They were there for me when I was at my lowest.”

Esper chokes on a sob, “Why would you do that, though?” He sounds like he wants to believe him, but just needs the reassurance.

Lusa offers it with a big grin. “Because you’re my friend.”

Esper’s features melt into an unsure smile, like the liquid relief just flooded through him. “So you make friends by punching people’s lights out?”

“Not all, just the best ones.”

Esper snorts and takes the ensuing silence to play the video again. A cat falls off of the fridge only to land perfectly in a glass bowl. Its face is priceless.

“He was really awful, you know?” Esper mutters. Lusa keeps quiet to let him get whatever he wants off his chest off of his chest. “Made me clean the house every day, screamed if he found one speck of dust. Always wanted everything perfect. It’s all different here,” he says always wistfully. “It’s fun cooking here.”

“You can cook all you want. But I think the pantry needs to restocked for that.”

“I can go shopping tomorrow,” Esper offers immediately.

“How about we all go shopping tomorrow? Believe it or not, Arc actually loves shopping.”

Esper’s eyebrows raise. “I’m surprised.”

“Yeah, he always gets me to buy him a toy.”

“I’m no longer surprised.”