#thank you for making me deeply invested in shipping two characters who have not met in canon

[sentmail]

𝙏𝙃𝙍𝙊𝙐𝙂𝙃 𝙄𝙏 𝘼𝙇𝙇, 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙒𝙀𝙍𝙀 𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃 𝙈𝙀.

In a bid to remind myself why I write in the first place, I give you this: a celebration piece to bring to light some of the many scenes that still linger in my mind across the nearly 10 years now that I've been writing Kunsel.

Through everything that I've gone through, both in my personal life and on here wretched platform, what kept me going were the people that choose to give me a chance and believe in me, and took to writing with me with a care and attention that is hard to find — being the first to write with me seriously, remembering small character details, challenging me as a writer, entertaining the silliest of concepts, telling me you're happy to see me back whenever I crawl out of one of my hiatuses, it is a myriad of small things that mean the world to me.

I genuinely think neither my take on Kunsel, or myself really, would be the same without you guys. I wish I could form the words necessary to get my feelings across, but well, you'll have to contend yourselves with this sappy mess as I don't usually deal with emotions very well.

@meteor-shots — Zack, I know you're not really around anymore and we don't talk as much, having both moved onto different ventures & fandoms, but that just makes the times that we do cross paths (or you take the time to log on just to poke me) mean all the much more. Zackarías Fair will forever have a special place within Kunsel's heart, having been the first Zack to accept Kunsel as his best friend, if not more. You've also met me at my most uncertain, stuck between names and not really knowing where and who I'd turn out to be, and I thank you for letting me have the space to figure it out.

@backwaterheroics — Rowen, you are a menace and so is your Cloud. We share our tendency to appear and disappear at random, and so fall in the habit of not crossing paths. And yet, whenever we do meet, it's like no time has passed at all, and we're back to chatting and plotting and putting our two assholes through the wringer just for fun. I appreciate your Cloud deeply for letting me explore Kunsel's more antagonistic, grudge holding and jealous tendencies, as they are still a facet that lingers within him.

@pseudodead — Do I really even have to explain why you're here? Our of everyone I've written with, I feel like you're one of the people that are most invested in my portrayals, characters and world-building, and even as you move onto other fandoms and blogs, you still offer me some way to bother your muses or at the very least, push me to explore my concepts and challenge me to grow as a writer. Also sorry about the message spam you'll be getting when you eventually log on bestieeee.

@churchflower — Blue we're already back to chatting on Discord so I've made my feelings clear on how happy it makes me that we happened to reconnect, and it made me so giddy to hear you say you came back just for Kunsel. Having met you in the same era as Zack, you've seen my portrayal of him grow through the years, and I feel like I can attribute part of it to the fateful day you decided to entertain the thought of Kunsel & Aerith as a ship. Now look what happened to us. We're in ruin.

@fourthclone — DON'T THINK YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF THIS. We've already gone over the "I'm so happy you're back" business but!!! Again, I am so happy to see you back! And it meant so much to me to hear that you were hoping I'd come back - it was your pushing that got me fully back on board with this whole thing, and I have many thanks to give you and your Roche. We share the turbulent boat of kind of niche, disregarded characters, and it pleases a stubborn part of me that we're both still here after everything we've been through. Here's to us hurting our feelings with our blorbos for years to come.

Memories.

-----

Before he could come up with an answer, though, Kunsel was hugging him. At first, it surprised him, though he didn't know why. Maybe just because the last five years had been completely devoid of positive touch like this. Maybe it was because he hadn't quite expected it. But either way, it was needed, and Zack felt himself sink into the hug almost immediately, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend and burying his face in the other's shoulder.

Am I lost? You're not lost, you know this place. See how you know this place? That's not right—

His panicked breath halts and the world shifts under his feet. Against the cracking ache and the fogged haze, he lifts his head and blinks into the shine of mako gold eyes. When did you get here? Kunsel has information and he sends it to you often. Leave, he's not important.

"Lost? Me?" His toothy grin sends a flare of pain behind his eyes. When have we met? You know him, like you know this place. "Kunsel, man, you know I've run around underplate a thousand times! Stop worryin'! I'll see you later, ok? Things to do, pretty girls to see—"

Kunsel Zantos showed promise. That much had been obvious from day one of his formal recruitment; questionable background and motivations aside (that which, perhaps, had begun Tseng's careful monitoring in the first place). But in truth, the Turk had not expected him to last long. Bets placed against him for all manners of reasons/excuses, foolish enough to go poking his head in places they didn't belong.

And yet, here he was, stubbornly persistent despite it all.

The last time he had to deal with a SOLDIER directly like this? All those years ago. Alongside Zack. A case which had been pulled from its archival home to live under the watchful gaze of the leader of the Turks because of the very reckless idiot he was now working with.

There was a comfort in physical contact that Aerith couldn't explain. It was always how she had been. But she bottled that for the sake of being heartbroken. The more Kunsel came around, the more that heartbreak lifted. The more she felt herself. The more she punched and pushed, teased and tapped. Invaded his space with those big green eyes and smiled at him as wide as she could...

She was happy.

"...you're the only one that's left— you— you KNOW everything, and I know you have to live with that just as much as I do, but you've come back after all this time, and that's all you can say to me? 'Life isn't a game, Roche— life isn't a stage!' Then what am I supposed to make of it, huh? Play the loyal little hound like you? Bow down and kiss some Shinra ass while I'm at it? Abandon who I am; what my heart tells me to do? You're no better than those goddamn Turks."

-----

Thank you for the commission! 💜

[strangertheory]

After you so thoughtfully answered that last anon, I'm wondering a few things. Most importantly, how do you think The Duffers could write it, if mileven ends up not being endgame, in a way that was accessible and easy to understand and like for casual viewers?

The “shipping war” between Mileven and Byler fans has never sat well with me because I think there’s an elephant in the room that is rarely acknowledged by fans of either ship. I’m unsure if it’s because they don’t want to acknowledge the elephant, if it’s because they haven’t noticed the elephant yet, or if it’s because they have heard rumor of the elephant but have decided to dismiss it as unimportant.

I believe that what is going on in the story is truly not what most fans think. I think there's a meta layer that hasn't been shared with us yet but that will start to be unraveled in season 4 or 5. I cannot say for sure what that layer is: but I'm thoroughly convinced that it is there. Things are not as they seem.

El and Will are mirrors of one another, and there are details that connect each of them in a way that goes beyond mere coincidence. Their stories appear to be intertwined intentionally, and although the reasons for this remain mysterious to us currently, I suspect their connection will become relevant in later seasons.

Yes, I believe that "Byler is endgame" in the sense that I believe that Mike is in love with his childhood friend that he's known since he was 5 and he met them on the swings and that he's played D&D with and that went missing in 1983 and he was devastated upon seeing the body being lifted out of the Quarry and was relieved to find was still alive and that he greeted at the hospital when they woke up.

But I believe that something is going on here that we (as fans) are not completely aware of yet and that El’s story and Will’s story are deeply intertwined.

How do I think The Duffers could write the conclusion of Mike and El’s romantic relationship in a way that is accessible and easy to understand?

I hypothesize that the writers will eventually reveal a very specific connection that exists between El and Will. It will surely be a huge plot twist.

I believe that characters will begin to be more open and honest about their feelings in season 4 and season 5. Season 3 lacked open communication and honesty. In my opinion there was so much lying and miscommunication that it verged on being the main theme of season 3! (You can read my notes on that in this blogpost.)

I think the writers will reveal that Mike has been afraid to allow his true feelings and his true self to show because of his fear of being judged by society and by his friends. I think that we will have a storyline that involves Mike realizing that he's comfortable rejecting society's expectations of him and embracing who he really is and who he really loves.

But we can completely disregard my suggestion that El and Will are connected in some mysterious way and simply look at this as a “boy-meets-girl and boy and girl decide to stop dating” situation too.

Telling a story in which a lead character suddenly realizes that they had feelings for someone else is not complicated and is not unusual. It would only be surprising to fans that have funneled their attention and their devotion into believing that a long-term romantic relationship between Mike and El is an unchangeable certainty.

How do I think The Duffers could write the conclusion of Mike and El’s romantic relationship in a way that is easy to like for casual viewers?

The truth is: there will always be viewers that dislike discovering that a main character has feelings for a different character than the one they hoped they would stay romantically involved with. Add to that the unfortunate existence of homophobia and some fans might also be upset because they don’t like the idea of two teenage boys having romantic feelings for each other, either.

Sometimes the story a writer wants to tell might deviate from the fandom’s expectations. It happens all the time. A writer’s goal is to tell a good story, and sometimes telling a good story involves subverting expectations rather than affirming them. The Duffer Brothers seem the type to enjoy a good plot-twist. I could be wrong, but I think they enjoy layering Stranger Things with secrets and carefully crafting scenarios so that when the truth beneath the surface is revealed everyone watching the series can say "Wow! What a twist! We should have seen the foreshadowing but we can only see it now in hindsight.”

I think that Mike and Will realizing and confessing their mutual feelings for one another is a very likeable story. Mike and Will’s love story can be an incredibly well-written friends-to-lovers, slow-burn, mutual pining, angst-with-a-happy-ending, queer coming-of-age love story in the midst of a supernatural scifi fantasy horror adventure. I find it very easy to like this story. It’s FANTASTIC. And I don’t see why “casual” viewers couldn’t love this story, too. I do think they might have to be open-minded and unprejudiced in order to enjoy it, however. They will also have to be open to respecting that El is more than capable of having a happy ending that isn’t dependent on a teenage boy dating her. I hope that fans that invested all of their hopes and dreams into El dating Mike indefinitely will still have an interest in cheering for El and her new dreams and goals even if (hypothetically) she is no longer romantically involved with Mike by the end of season 5. If they care about El dating Mike more than her happiness, then perhaps they need to re-evaluate how they relate to fictional stories and also make sure that they respect when people in their real lives decide that they are better off as friends.

Whatever is going on in the story: I look forward to seeing what happens between Will, Mike, and El in seasons 4 and 5. I understand that my theories and my interpretations of the series might be incorrect, but these are my thoughts on what has happened so far in the story and what I predict might happen next.

Thanks for Asking!

...

If you’d like to read my blogposts regarding what I think is going on between Will and El and read about the Stranger Things theories that I find the most compelling you can find them all listed at my pinned index post here at this link.

[thejustmaiden]

The Sesshomaru F*cks Debacle

Hey, fellow Inuyasha fans! How we feeling?? I imagine a lot of us are doing quite fabulously after the recent news we got about the sequel coming out this Fall, "Hanyou No Yashahime." So if it wasn't obvious already, I want to take the time to discuss the topic of- you guessed it- Sesshomaru. Go figure! 

***THIS IS A REPOST OF MY ORIGINAL BLOG THAT DISAPPEARED FROM THE TAGS. PICS/GIFS HAVE BEEN REMOVED TO HOPEFULLY REPAIR THAT.***

Let's be real, as much as probably (and literally lol) all of us have viewed him as "daddy material" at some point or another during our teens, Sesshomaru being physically intimate with another being, much less a human, is difficult to conjure up in our minds. And there's nothing wrong with that, per se, as sex and romance doesn't come so easily to some as it does to others. Then again, that's not to say a romantic relationship is completely impossible or unattainable for him either. 

I, for one, am not a huge fan of the idea of Sesshomaru siring children of his own. Granted, adopting/protecting children and other small companions is kinda his thing (I saw one user even describe him as a 'walking daycare' 🤣), and maybe it'll just take some getting used to, but all in all it's not entirely unfathomable to picture him having biological children. Though I'd be lying if I said I still didn't prefer he just took these two twin half-demon girls in and under his wing instead, like he did Rin. However, seeing as that's unlikely the case since the two girls resemble him in some fashion, the chances of that coming true are slim, which must mean that Sesshomaru did in fact bone some lucky lady. That's not to say I don't acknowledge that there's still a chance these kids aren't truly his but we'll see! 

Which leads me to the real reason behind this blog! I'd like to address in-depth why I and so many other Inuyasha fans consider shipping S*ssrin as wrong and why it makes a lot of us extremely uncomfortable. 

BUT FIRST BEFORE I FORGET, I want to give a little unofficial disclaimer by stating that this blog isn't intended to upset certain fans regarding my stance on the controversial ship. Thus I will not tag it under that ship name, and I suggest others who agree with me to do the same in any of their future posts. 

Because let's not forget that the most important thing is that we're all fans here. We fell in love with this story and hold its beloved characters close to our hearts for a reason. And that still counts even if you're returning to this fandom a decade later. So please, let's try and remember that and be civil towards one another. Putting people down by attacking and insulting others in real life really doesn't make us any better than them. I REPEAT, please do not engage in this post unless you plan to be kind and respectful of others who may have a differing opinion than you. There's never a need to be ugly towards another human being. That goes for all shippers and fans of Sesshomaru in general. Thank you in advance for your understanding and compliance. 😊

Again, none of these comments are aimed at being inflammatory towards those fans who have a different approach to this pairing. If any of you are reading this now, please keep that in mind before deciding to participate in any discourse with me and other antis. 

Okay, let me go ahead and list a few of the main arguments fans of this particular ship use to support them together. Then I'll give my reasons why those aren't enough to justify their relationship turning romantic:

1. Rin will be an adult before they get romantically involved

2. Sesshomaru didn't raise her and therefore isn't her father; he was never like a father to her in the first place

3. Sesshomaru hasn't been grooming her, not then and not now. Besides, it was Rin's choice first.

4. Age difference shouldn't matter when you look at other relationships in the series (InuKag, Koga x Ayame, etc.)

5. It was always going to be canon because the drama CDs exist

 These are the main points I'm seeing around. Now let's dissect them, shall we? These are my direct responses- I'll try to keep them short and concise. Fyi: Jk! I'm lying, that never happens. 😆

1. Rin may be an adult, but from our standpoint that doesn't make much of a difference. It doesn't matter because it's all about how her relationship with Sesshomaru started off and how it continued onwards. From that moment, it was basically established from the get-go that their relationship resembles that of one a young girl shares with an older man who winds up becoming her guardian. She initiated it by trying to bring him food while he was injured, and he reciprocated by deciding to bring her back to life that fateful day. 

Of course we're all happy that he did, because he's a better demon for it and a similar thing could be said about her! Therefore you must understand that fans against this pairing find it very hard to grasp the notion of a budding romance here when we look at their history. For us, it's synonymous to imagining a father eventually falling in love with his daughter or someone else who reminds him of a daughter, and vice versa. But let's just say he's not a father to her like many of you claim and more like, say a modern-day babysitter. Isn't it still bizarre to you that a young girl could fall in love with the man who looked after her and cared for her at that age, maybe even played games with? One day or on multiple occasions he even sees her naked because she had an accident and got hurt so she needed help changing or something. I admit it's more realistic that it was Jaken if anyone who'd be in charge of this, but why does it really matter who was tasked with what? Sesshomaru may have not been around all the time but that doesn't mean he's any less involved or invested in Rin's general care and well-being. So it's that thought alone that keeps many of us from even contemplating a romance forming between them. Whether he hardly interacted with her over the years or not is irrelevant, because it's clear to me that they have both formed a strong enough bond that constitutes calling them family. I highly doubt he ever even planned to keep Rin in his company as long as he did. But it happened, and whether you want to admit it or not, meeting her changed his life. Meaning Rin was never just some girl he traveled with or hardly knew. Despite his feigned indifference and stoic ways at times, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Rin grew on him and was the first person to really influence him in a way that helped soften and open up that heart of his in a way nobody ever had before. One's significance to any given person isn't solely measured by the quantity of time spent alongside that person but by the quality of how that time was spent with said person. It's safe to say that in the case of Sesshomaru and Rin, they definitely fall under that category. 

2. Fair if you don't view Sesshomaru as Rin's father, but you must acknowledge that he did fill some father figure-like role to her at the very least. Or let's just call him her vassal if you think that's a more accurate description. Also, can I just quickly stress again that it doesn't matter how long she spent by his side or whether she spent more time in the village or not, because he still ended up playing a major part in her childhood as an adult male role model. Regardless of the title you give him, it still stands that although he may not be her official adoptive father, he is LIKE A FATHER. There really is no point in denying that, because their dynamic exudes one of a father-daughter. I guarantee you that any outsider looking in would agree that if not her father then at the very least he embodies a male relative of some kind. Honestly, the details of their relationship dynamic specific to this show (regional/period differences, human vs. demon culture, etc.), don't really matter here. Why? Because one can assume that the general consensus here is that a large percentage of fans perceive their connection as a familial one. Yes, most would unanimously agree that Rin and Sesshomaru, along with Jaken and Ah-Un, are a FAMILY. 

If she had first met him as an adult, then we'd possibly have a very different story here. The point of the matter is that he didn't, so that should be where this discussion ends. Unfortunately, for many, it's not. The bottom line is that a child he knew and cared for should never be someone he begins to view in a romantic light. I don't care how many years have passed (or that to demons years are like days or some less inconsequential length of time), and how much she's matured or how specific marriage customs were back then (if they're no longer appropriate now then why are we still condoning these backward practices?). Rin should NEVER have the desire to be sexually attracted to this father figure she's always looked to and trusted to protect her. Maybe it's vastly different from a demon's perspective (even though still unjustifiable in my opinion), but as a human, Rin's feelings towards Sesshomaru wouldn't and shouldn't suddenly change towards him and in such a drastic manner mind you. Yeah, maybe she used to have an innocent crush on him, but I'd like to think our smart and compassionate little Rin would learn that was simply because she was a child who didn't know any better. Besides, growing up with Kaede and around other humans I'd like to think she fell in love with another human sometime over the course of all those years. It only makes sense, right? Don't you think that's part of why Sesshomaru left her there in the first place? He wished for her to experience what it was like to live a normal human life, falling in love and marriage both being a key part of that. If I were Sesshomaru, I'd be deeply troubled if I started to develop feelings for a little girl I once protected and kept in my company for quite an extended period of time, which was at least a year from what I understand. (Pls correct me if I'm wrong because I gather it may have been longer.) 

3. Apparently in the manga and the Final Act, we see Sesshomaru still visits the village to check on Rin from time to time. He even brings her gifts, such as beautiful and luxurious kimonos. I recently learned from another Tumblr post that kimonos are what older men gift in order to sort of earn their favor with these young ladies, AKA they're wooing them. If that is indeed true, then that would mean he's basically grooming her and has been for however long she's lived there in the village but potentially even longer. To put it nicely, he's courting her. If this was another young lady (maybe not an adult perhaps but still of marrying age) who he DIDN'T assist in raising, then I could possibly get on board with this.

The thing is, it's far from that with them two if you consider everything they've gone through and endured together! Because he not only met her as a young girl but he got to know her first as a young girl, and she became one of his traveling companions all while she was only a young girl!!! Their bond will always be defined by that time when she was just a young girl, and nothing can or should change that he will always see her in that same light. Kinda like how our parents or other family members from older generations tell us that they'll always see us as their babies. So the fact that her time spent with Sesshomaru is constantly compared to her time spent in the village shouldn't apply here. Don't we all know this already? That we can can come across someone in our lifetime and maybe the time with them is short-lived, but that doesn't make it any less significant or those people any less special. Sesshomaru made an impact on her as much as she did on him, that much we know is true. Sure, it was years ago, but that's not something you ever forget. Sometimes when you look at loved ones you haven't seen in a while, there are just certain memories you have of them from over the years that will come rushing back to you without fail and that you will always cherish no matter what. I'd like to believe that when Rin looks at Sesshomaru and he looks at her, that they can both look back fondly on their times traveling together. This explains why I'm really struggling here to picture how anyone could sleep with someone they used to treat as their guardian/father/ward/daughter/what have you. So someday and somehow, this person just stops viewing them that way, is that it? I mean, how does this work exactly? It's not like you can just flip off a switch and forget everything from your past with this person, ya know? Unless you have your memory wiped, what I'm understanding is that S*ssrin shippers approve of the idea of these two characters KNOWING that they are or used to be like practically FAMILY to each other, yet agree that these two characters in question still have the capacity not to mention desire to pursue HAVING SEX with each other anyway. Do I got that all right? Did I miss anything?  

Originally I provided two examples of fan art I found to help put what I'm trying to say here into better perspective, but since they've been removed, just type in "Sesshomaru and Rin" on Google and you'll find plenty of examples of what I'm talking about here- and no, it's not S*ssrin images. I realize Sesshomaru has never been the touchy-feely sorta guy like it's depicted in some of the fan art, but that doesn't necessarily diminish the affection he feels and attachment he has towards Rin. He just has a different way of expressing his love is all, even if he doesn't outwardly show it. The real question here is, can you really look at sweet pictures of an adult comforting a child who's been under his care for a significant amount of time and then suddenly be like, "oh man, I can't wait till they bang!" I'm sorry, to each their own, but you gotta admit why we must find that creepy. 

4. Regarding Inuyasha and Kagome's relationship, we need to remember that he didn't age after all those years stuck to that tree. And besides, demons age differently so this is a pretty unfair comparison. This isn't the best example, but think about how a cat's lifespan works. 10 years in (indoor) cat years is like 56 in human years. So technically in demon years, Inuyasha is physically and emotionally compatible with a human around Kagome's age. Hell, even though he's over a hundred years older, Kagome is still a whole lot more mature than he probably ever will be! 😂 (Psst! We still love you, Inuyasha! 💋)

Now as for Koga and Ayame, this also isn't comparable to Sesshomaru and Rin. Koga met Ayame one night, only not to see her ever again until she was older and of age. After rescuing her on that night when she was only a girl, he gives her a piggyback ride and you can tell he just wants to cheer her up when he mentions her being his wife someday. (And boy, did that work wonders on Ayame!) Then they gaze at this stunning lunar rainbow together, which I think is quite rare judging by looks of it. This is not an attempt to defend this proposal- if we can even really call it that- but all I'm saying is that I don't think even Koga knows what overcame him in that moment. Fast forward to present-day when they cross paths again, and Ayame still remembers his so-called promise, but guess who doesn't right away? Yep, our man Koga! It takes a quite a while for it to come back to him, too. This further proves my point that something beyond Koga and his power possessed him to say all those things to a little Ayame for some reason. Maybe you can call it destiny, or maybe it was some special kind of magic caused by the lunar rainbow, Idk! All I know is that they do end up together in the Final Act and that it wasn't until they met as two consenting wolf-demons that they really grew to know each other and coincidentally- or maybe not so coincidentally- fall in love.

 5. From what I understand, it appears these drama CDs are some kind of satire which doesn't equate to canon. Perhaps Rumiko did not debunk them but she also didn't confirm they're true either. I'm hearing conflicting reports, however, and her involvement in them is questionable. Like her name is supposedly on the cover or something? But then I've also heard that she has spoken out against this ship. From the sounds of it, there is enough evidence- or lack thereof rather- to conclude that fans cannot use this as proof enough for their ship already being or soon-to-be canon. 

Finally, I'd like to end on this note where I'll be addressing ethics in entertainment. When it comes to our choice of entertainment, there's always a level of escapism implied, sometimes so much that we project ourselves onto certain characters. Delving into a fantasy world like that of Inuyasha can really help some people better cope with real life problems, but it's all about striking the right balance, as each individual has different wants and needs. The thing is there's only so much escapism one can allow in a fictional world before basic morals from our own world begin to take precedence. I can always enjoy some good fantasy, but it's not long until I start to reflect on how I personally relate what entertainment I'm currently absorbed in to real life. It's inevitable really. For example, if certain relationships portrayed on screen conflict with strong opinions I've adopted on a sensitive topic, especially those that take children into account, then I feel it's my responsibility to speak out against any media that even remotely promotes it. Yes, even if it's just fiction. Because art imitates life, right? (And yes, sometimes the other way around.) So in other words, our stories should mirror our way of life to some degree. History has seen its fair share of ugly events and traditions we are surely ashamed of but that we've hopefully learned our lessons from. Most societies nowadays seriously frown upon or condemn stuff like pedophilia, child grooming, or anything of the sort. Of course it doesn't help that we see still see these kinds of issues glossed over so much that we've become desensitized to them in many respects.

The thing is we cannot allow this way too common older-man-dotes-on-young-girl trope (or anything resembling it) to continue to be glorified or romanticized. It matters not that feudal Japan was a drastically different time to be alive and that this was the norm back then, or even that this remains a popular ship in Japan. All it comes down to is if whether we would currently tolerate such acts and behaviors were we to witness them in real life. If your answer is 'no', then it should be 'no' in every respect. If you deem it acceptable just because it's fiction, then I'm sorry to say, but you're going to have to answer to a lot of people. No surprise there, that goes for all fandoms. I guarantee you it's not just the people who personally identify as victims who have serious qualms with this ship either, because you don't necessarily need to have bad experiences of your own in order sympathize and see where a lot of these people are coming from. And no, just because I'm unhappy with the possibility of S*ssrin going canon does not mean I'm whining or that I'm attempting to spread negativity about this series before it's even out. Remember, fans have the right to be critical of whatever content it is they're watching/reading, and if they demand something in the storytelling be represented better, then of course they can challenge that. After all, none of us should feel like "canceling" the content we love is our only hope to fixing a story. That's not how it ever should be. Fans are fed up, and can you really blame them? Nah, we can strive to do better in this area, plus it's not like there isn't always room for improvement. So let's please be more vigilant about how the content we consume translates to reality, in addition to being mindful of how it can directly correlate to real life problems for ourselves as well as others around us.  

That's a wrap, y'all!! I hope you enjoyed what I had to offer on this topic, and here's hoping I actually contributed something new to this conversation! I'm aware that that's unlikely the case for us fans who've been living in this tag the past couple days (like me lol), but I'd like to believe I put my own spin on it and it was still worth your while. 😉 

P.S. Overall, I remain optimistic about the new show! So are there any friendly Inuyasha group chats on Tumblr I can join? If so, please do invite me! I need to obsess about this sequel even more than I already am, EEEK!!!

[panharmonium]

I like good romantic pairings as much as anyone else but lbr viewing media solely thru the lens of “shipping” is rly reductive, so I appreciate ur view on romance not being a priority in merlin. Like, I’ve seen too many posts abt Merlin mocking Arthur at their first meeting w ppl saying things like “that is not a straight thing to say 👀” Guys. You’re missing the point, which is that Merlin is brave and cheeky and rn Arthur is a bully. It’s a good moment, but an obsession w shipping ruins it yk?

god, yes.  thank you.

i'm putting the rest of this under a cut just because i know for a lot of people the above kind of fandom experience is fun, and i'm not here to harsh anyone's vibe.  i'm glad that people are able to enjoy fandom in their own way, and me talking about my own preferences does not mean i think anyone else should change what they're doing.  i am comfortable curating my own fandom experience to suit my needs - @ everyone else, please continue to do your thing and have fun with it!

I’ve seen too many posts abt Merlin mocking Arthur at their first meeting w ppl saying things like “that is not a straight thing to say” 

YES.  this is my least favorite shipping-related trend ever.  

it's not just that scene.  it's every single moment in the show (and not just between merlin and arthur, either).  every possible interaction gets pulled out and twisted to be about how in love two characters must be, when the actual point is Clearly Not That, and it's exhausting.  i know other people find it fun, and i'm glad they're having fun, but for me, it's exhausting.

for a show where the main character canonically demonstrates virtually zero interest in romantic attachment, it's really...difficult for me sometimes to fully immerse myself in this fandom, because almost all of the fannish content is about shipping merlin with arthur.  and if you don't think arthur is good enough for merlin (valid lol), you ship him with gwaine, or somebody else who you think would treat him better.  merlin without a love interest - the merlin i know from canon - is so hard for me to find.  i don’t really see him anywhere.

(also, to clarify: the PEOPLE in this fandom are fantastic.  everyone I've encountered in my limited experience has been beyond lovely; and pretty much everyone I've met has always seemed totally warm and welcoming of various ships and opinions, which obviously isn't something you find in every fandom, so in that sense, my experience with the merlin fandom has been consistently awesome.  what i'm musing about now isn't individual shippers or their preferences; it's about the overarching content-related experience of being a non-shipper in a fandom where, content-wise, shipping is The Main Thing To Do.)

and of course, this isn't just a merlin fandom trend.  this is the way things have been done in every fandom i've ever been involved in.  every single interaction between two characters always ends up getting pulled out and viewed through a shipping lens, and suddenly everything about the characters as individuals is made to be about the relationship.  EVERYTHING.  things that very clearly have actual, non-romantic explanations get taken out of their context and framed as "they're in LOVE."

and again, as I said before - there's nothing inherently wrong with that, and if people have fun with it, good!  that's what fandom is for.  but it's not my jam, and it can be a bit frustrating sometimes, because a) it’s a reductive analysis, like you said, and b) as someone who is deeply invested in all the friendships on this show, i'm not sure what the institution of friendship is even supposed to look like in this fandom.  does it actually exist?  because a character can't do anything even remotely kind without immediately having it captioned "they're so in love" or "today in totally platonic things, winkwink nudgenudge"

like

what tiny smidgen of caring is small enough to fall under the category of friendship?  how cold and unfeeling do characters have to be with each other for their interactions to qualify as friendship?  literally everything that happens in merlin bbc is, in fact, a product of the love merlin feels for his friends, and nothing about that fact was ever difficult for me to believe while i was watching the show, but once i got out into the wider fandom, it was like that just wasn’t possible.  nobody would do these things for "just" friends.  nobody would be that gentle or caring or loving with "just" friends.  nobody would look at "just" friends like that.  nobody would grieve for “just” friends like that.

to borrow a phrase from one of george lucas's discussions about a different media issue - "i don't like that and i don't believe that."

nothing about that philosophy is interesting to me, or remotely realistic.  and i don’t necessarily think it’s what shipping as an institution is actively trying to communicate, but it is still what’s actually being said in those kind of *wink wink, nudge nudge* posts.

[it’s worth noting also that the *wink wink, nudge nudge*, “every little thing is romantic” lens only applies when people want it to.  i see a lot of the following two modes in the merlin fandom: when it comes to merlin/arthur, fanon interpretation of the show is twisted to make every single one of their interactions serve as evidence for an imaginary romance, but when it comes to arthur and gwen's actual, demonstrated romantic attraction for each other, fandom twists everything the opposite way.  i constantly see posts that are like "i think arthur and gwen loved each other, but they weren't IN love" - uh-huh.  ok.  convenient, that.  suddenly we’ve lost the ability to perceive romance in every single innocuous gesture?  apparently we can fabricate romance out of two people blinking at each other, but only when the relationship in question is a pretend pairing we wish was real.  otherwise, the canonical romance and all of its attendant acts of devotion just don’t register.]

and you know, it's whatever.  i've been involved in fandom long enough to know that this kind of shipping is just how things always go, and i’m happy enough keeping to my own area and trying to curate my fandom experience in a way that brings me the most enjoyment.  but i 100% feel you on ubiquitous shipping goggles being a difficult thing to constantly navigate.  

[aurirising]

Another potentially unpopular/controversial opinion

From the girl who brought you the long defense of Kal/call out of the squad, comes the thrilling and really rather contradictory sequel. I humbly present to you A Defense of Squad 312 because nuance is fun and important and I'm nothing if not fair in a situation like this.

Okay, so, to clarify, I'm not necessarily going to be saying that their actions were morally right or that I agree with them per se, but, what I am going to do is explain why some of them make sense and are understandable given the circumstances and who the characters are as people.

I'm gonna go character by character here and first up we have Scarlett. Go big or go home right?

So, Scarlett has possibly the worst reaction, but also the most justified. Everyone in that squad has gone through absolute hell but Scarlett has at this point suffered the most, second only to maybe Auri (who has had time to process and let go and move on and stuff in the Echo but we can get to that later). Let's remember that both books in their entirety span less than 2 WEEKS and in that time Scarlett has:

Had a death scare for her brother on the very night all this started

Been shoved into an incredibly dangerous mission which she, along with everyone else, was completely unprepared for

Been attacked by God knows how many different groups of people almost everyday INCLUDING AURI, even if that wasn't really her and she didn't want to do that

Lost her absolute best friend in the universe thanks to this mission neither of them really signed up for

Had to watch her brother, the only family she has left who she absolutely adores, fight a monster with a TINY KNIFE and almost watch him get killed right in front of her

Watched all the people she's grown to care for and feels at least somewhat responsible for get hurt and nearly killed over and over again

Actually lost her brother to the clutches of the very people/being that took away her best friend maybe a week ago and doesn't know if he's even still alive or what might be happening to him

Been thrown into a leadership role she has never wanted or trained for under the absolute worst circumstances and doesn't have time to grieve anything that's happened to her and is now being slowly crushed under the pressure of leading the squad and keeping them safe that even Tyler - the best Alpha in their year - struggled with

And this isn't even to mention the fact that the Starslayer killed her father and his relation to Kal did in fact put them all at higher risk from the Unbroken even if, like I mentioned in my Kal post, this can't all be blamed straight on him.

Now, although this isn't all Kal's fault and, if Scarlett was thinking more rationally, she'd realise that, you have to remember that she ISN'T thinking rationally. Look at that list and tell me that if you'd been through all that, you'd be thinking clearly and I will straight up call you a liar because we humans are incredibly emotional beings and stress and loss makes us do all kinds of things we'd not normally do. And Scarlett, well Scarlett is one of the most deeply emotional people of all.

Throughout both books, it's repeatedly said and shown how much and how deeply she cares, even about these people she's only just met, and, I mean, she's a FACE for gods sake, feelings and caring about people and being in touch with the emotions of others to better negotiate is literally part of her job and one of her core personality traits. If that kind of stuff would destroy any one of us, it would without a doubt destroy her too. And then to get such an earth-shattering piece of news that could at first glance link directly to most of her problems? Well that is just the straw that breaks the Camel's back and so she lashes out. It makes sense, it's understandable and an emotional response that doesn't come out of nowhere. It's been built to all this time and no, it's not fair and it's not right, but when you snap, you snap and Kal is about the only thing right in front of her that she can see having caused her some of these problems that she can let it out on.

I want to reiterate once again that this isn't right. It's not an action that's supposed to be okay, it's one that highlights the flaws in good people and that doing what's right isn't always easy and people sometimes act selfishly. But the fact remains that she had a reason for behaving how she did, even if it wasn't a good reason, and though she acted incredibly harshly, that doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her a person.

Also like, if I remember rightly it wasn't her who was first to tell Kal he needed to leave but choosing as the leader to do so also makes sense in circumstance. Something like that reveal will create something of a rift whether people want it to or not. When you find something like that out, you absolutely would start questioning what you know about a person in even the best of times and, as we've already established, this is far from the best of times. With everything going on and the crushing weight of grief and anxiety and fear and doubt and everything else she's feeling, it isn't surprising that she would opt for the simplest solution to this. Whether Kal was trustworthy or not and regardless of whether he'd been the cause of any problems before or would be in the future, if he's not there, he can't possibly cause any further problems and they can focus on what they have to do without that extra worry on their minds. In both a tactical leadership sense and from a highly emotional view, it makes sense and I get why she and the others chose that.

Once again, I'm not saying it's fair or right or just, but it is understandable and one poor and somewhat cruel decision does not make Scarlett a mean person.

Okay, moving on. You'll be glad to know I'm not gonna go on so much with the other characters because there was significantly more to talk about in regards to Scarlett than any of the others.

I'm actually gonna talk about Fin and Zila together because I feel a lot of their reaction comes from a similar place and they handle it in ways not too different from each other.

So for both of these guys I got the impression that they were more shell shocked and a little hurt rather than truly angry like Scarlett. They don't do or say a whole lot in this scene in comparison to Scar and Auri and Zila even tries to mediate just the tiniest bit at the begining. Both of them really seem to mostly be puzzling it out and trying to deal with the hurt of being deceived somewhat (especially Fin after he'd shared some meaningful bonding moments with Kal and had also come to him about the note and been lied to then) and barely get involved in the whole thing. Fin really only does when it looks like things are about to get physical between Kal and Scarlett and it's more out of worry that her rage is going to get her hurt if she tries to punch him or something (which is exactly what happens). And Zila is just in distress throughout the whole thing and again this doesn't seem to be specifically because of Kal but more from the fracturing of this group she'd started to feel at home in and like she belonged. She'd been coming out of her shell in the last few days after finally letting these people in and starting to feel safe with them and then this huge fight and breaking up happens and it's like another family unit is all being ripped away from her again and it triggers that trauma response that makes her start shutting down again.

Similarly I can see some of that response happening a little bit in Fin because he also has never felt like he belonged and has always been cast out and he finally found a group that cared about him and didn't consider him a burden because of his disability and he's also having that torn apart which can't be easy even if he seems to handle it better than Zila since it's more traumatic for her.

They both have milder reactions that are able to be somewhat more logical in approach since they comparatively have less emotional investment in some of the implications of this reveal than both Scarlett and Auri do. However, they're both still deeply hurt by the fracture this has caused within the group and Kal is in fact part of the cause of that fracture for them so they go along with Auri and Scarlett (who is literally their leader now and following orders and sticking together is so important to these two now that they have this group. They don't want to lose any more of it). And like I mentioned in the Scarlett section, they're smart and they recognise that distrust within the group as they head into what's next is incredibly dangerous and a huge detriment to the mission so since they are understandably hurt and a bit unsure now, they make the logical decision to reduce the potential risk in keeping him around.

Okay so a quick bit on Tyler. He, like Scarlett, is understandably hurt by finding out about Kal but his reaction is muted and more reasonable after what he's gone through with Saedii on the TDF ship and also due to the gravity of his situation and everything going on with Cat somewhat overshadowing it all. I don't think anyone is really mad at Tyler so I'll move on, but I think his level of hurt, betrayal, and anger is more in line with what I'd expect from him and probably Scarlett if she hadn't been through all she had and was being more rational.

So, where my irritation starts coming into play more is with Auri. She's spent 6 months with Kal in the Echo where they grew closer and more in love and I guess I can see questioning all that because if he lied about that for all that time then what else could he lie about? But there's also the debate to be had about certain point of view like in Star Wars and whether omission of something that might never really have needed to be said is acceptable. And the thing is, I can't give a definitive answer on that because every person is going to have a different opinion on that idea in general and on Kal's handling of this situation in particular based on what we've experienced in our own lives and where we draw the right/wrong line or handle the grey area of morality. With something like this, there really isn't much in the way of a right answer and that's okay.

But I think the thing I see with Auri which makes her a bit more understandable here is how she's using Kal's OWN WORDS to rationalise this and figure out how to feel. "And I remember you said our past makes us what we are." That part in bold is what Kal told her, what she knows he believes. When you know someone holds that belief and then you find out THAT is their past, there will be a question mark over them no matter how well you think you know them.

Also, Auri has dealt with so much loss lately and time and again people and systems she should have been able to trust and feel safe with have let her down or turned against her and, speaking as someone with some level of trust issues, I know it's incredibly hard to get rid of doubt after it's started to set in and all too easy to call up any small moment that might support that doubt, so I can see why Auri might be doing that now.

I am still personally of the opinion that Auri should have reacted better and known him well enough to not have acted that way but remember this is a defense post and I already gave the other side (at least most of it) on my Kal defense post.

I think we're gonna leave it here now. And in conclusion of both of these posts, whichever side of this you come down on more (or even if you sit in the middle like me), that's completely fine and valid and you're not wrong for feeling a certain way about a situation like this. Fundamentally, it comes down to which characters you most identify with and who's experiences most resonate with you.

It's not a clear cut right and wrong thing because literally every single character handled something badly and everyone's motives, including Kal's, were understandable in some way and believable. They're all people and people are flawed and selfish and jump to conclusions and lash out and although we have to remember that those aren't morally sound things to do, they're a shared human experience.

I know no one asked for this long-ass analysis of this scene and situation but as a writer and film student, scene and character analysis is kinda what I DO so I thought I'd go ahead and make this post. Something like this is actually brilliant writing from Jay and Amie because there's a lot more nuance to it than a quick glance at the situation might suggest and since it's such a hot topic in this fandom after Aurora Burning, I wanted to address it and make sure a bit more of an in depth look was taken into exactly what happened.

Anyway,

Tl;dr: this is something of a counter point to my Kal defense post and every member of the squad had understandable reason for reacting the way they did in this situation, even if they may have been too harsh. People are flawed and these characters are no exception, but that's okay.

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Seventeen

Submitted by @archeryandeyeliner​

Five Fave Fics

Lightwood-Bane Family Series by Fanatic_weirdo

Why I love this series: This was one of those fics for me that had me up until 4am on a work night, but I just couldn’t stop reading. Every single story in this series hits the reader in a different way. It deals with immortality in a way I have yet to see another fic handle. It works in Max and Rafael to a point where I was almost more invested in their stories than Malec’s, which is incredibly hard to do. The reader gets Malec as immortal husbands and father’s to two children who the reader can’t help but fall in love with. 

Favorite work in the series: This is Me (Fighting for you) follows the love story between Max Lightwood-Bane and Chris, Shadowhunter and Parabatai to his brother, Rafael. 

Favorite quote: “He’s getting married,” Max whispered. Every word harder to say than the last as he tried to breathe against the feeling in his chest that made it feel like his throat was closing. “And not to me.” That broke the dam and now the sobs were back. Heaving and ripping out of his throat as he gripped one of their shirts as tightly as he could, desperate to keep from drowning.

Magnus and Alec had tears of their own trickling down their faces at their child’s pain. They knew it wasn’t just a teenage heartbreak. What Max and Chris had was as real as what Magnus and Alec had.

“Please fix it, Daddy,” Max begged, his face contorted in agony. A sob came from Alec’s throat as every instinct in him told him to do what was ingrained in parents to do and ‘fix it’.

“I want you to kiss me,” Max whispered. Chris moved forward but another hand on his chest stopped him, “But I won’t be able to bear it when you stop.”

Support System by @bytheangell​

Why I love this fic: Elle has always been one of my favorite authors in the fandom and someone I’m lucky enough to call a friend. This was one of the first chaptered fics I ever read for the fandom and it pulled me in like no other. The dynamic between Magnus and Alec was so perfectly written and the storyline truly helped me with accepting the inevitable end of the tv series. Throughout the entire fic, you just want them to get their act together. The missed opportunities are plenty and when they do finally meet, it’s just as beautiful as the reader could hope for. 

Favorite quotes: “Why don’t you just tell him?” It’s a question Alec asks himself every day, and the answer he gives himself is the same one he hears come from behind the rim of a martini glass.

“Because if he doesn’t, and I ruin this friendship now, I’ll never forgive myself.”

Alec picks up the thought without missing a beat. He doesn’t know what this guy’s situation is, but he can certainly relate to the general concept.  “And even if he does, and it doesn’t work out… It’s safer to keep what you have than risk losing everything.”

“...but then I wonder what if he’s sitting there, thinking the same thing? What if we’re both just waiting for the other to make the first move? Hell, what if it’s worth the risk?”

Magnus’ eyes aren’t on the billboard; they’re on the man standing next to him.  Alec is conveniently unaware with his attention dutifully turned upward. He knows he should be looking up as well since the billboard is what they came here to see, but honestly, he’s enjoying this particular view much more... Especially now that the edges of Alec’s lips are curling up in a soft look of appreciation he probably isn’t even aware he’s making - the pure joy of his expression is enchanting. So while everyone else’s gaze is focused upward Magnus’ eyes linger on Alec. He doesn’t know what everyone else is looking at - Magnus can’t imagine a more captivating sight than the one he’s currently taking in.

Angel's Treasure by @msalexiscriss​

Why I love this fic: I read this fic during a slow day at work. I sat in line at Dunkin Donuts, opened it on my phone in full, and drove to work with it ready to skim during the day. I was captured by it. I am not usually a fan of these kinds of AU’s, but this fic had me neglecting all of my adult responsibilities. The adventures that they go through together and the love they have for each other was everything I needed at that moment and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

Favorite quotes: “No, what are you doing!?” He berated himself in the back of his mind. “You’re caring about the boy and you can’t! You can’t!” He told to himself, trying to close his eyes and go back to sleep.

But his mind kept taking him back to the first time he had seen Alec in the square in Alicante, to the day the boy had helped him out of prison, to the day when, in an attempt to protect his father’s honor, he had tried to kill him; to their time in the Spiral, to their little stroll in Cadiz, to their perfect adventure in Cartagena. There was a memory of Alec in every day since they had met and Magnus hated that.

He hated it because he was starting to feel guilty, something that had not happened before. Every time he recalled one of those moments all he could see in Alec’s eyes was trust, and Magnus knew he was not worthy of such thing. Alec didn’t do it on purpose, of course, it was in his nature. Alec was one of those men who had a blind faith in humanity—and that was either a blessing or a curse.

“The fact that you’re a pirate doesn't make you a bad person.”

“What?” Magnus asked just to make sure he had heard correctly.

“Not all pirates are bad.” Alec said. “You’re not bad...I mean, you’ve committed crimes and all, but you’re not a bad person. I know you’re a good man.”

Magnus tried to laugh at the sudden compliment, like Raphael and Ragnor seemed to be doing, but he couldn't. What Alec had just said had touched him deeply. And even though he was not sure if he deserved the praise, he was grateful that his skin had the right tone to hide those uncontrollable accumulations of blood, because after more than 108 years, give or take, Magnus Bane, immortal pirate and once captain of the world's fastest ship, had blushed.

Appassionato by @chonideno​

Why I love this fic: There’s something so soft and wonderful about Malec falling in love with only their mutual love of music. Throughout the entire story, I didn’t mind that they hadn’t met. They fall in love with each other through every piece of music that Magnus requests and Alec seduces him with every brush of his fingers over the keys. I wanted Alec to keep fulfilling his love for his gift and Magnus’ little notes made it even better, for both the reader and Alec. This fic is nothing less than poetic in nature and every single piece Alec played for his tiny audience had me captured without actually hearing the music. 

Favorite quotes: There’s a note on the doorstep.

Alec bends over, picks it up and closes the door. It’s a thin piece of paper coming from some kind of notepad. Something is handwritten on it; the ink is a deep purple (really? who writes in purple ink?) and the words flow with grace despite having obviously been written in a rush. The letters are inclined, in cursive, elegant. Even more pleasing to the eyes, instead of a complaint, Alec reads a love letter.

“A humble request to the pianist: Liebesträume no 3 in A flat.”

A request. Someone heard him and when they could have ignored him or asked him to stop, they want more. They want more. A wild shiver runs down Alec’s back. He has an audience.

On Tuesday, his neighbor sounds tired, so Magnus requests a simple Goldberg Variation.

On Wednesday, his neighbor plays for a full hour without stopping so Magnus requests the short and jumpy Maple Leaf Rag, hoping to tire him out and allow him to sleep.

On Thursday, Magnus finds a large plate full of muffins of all sorts on his neighbor’s doormat; chocolate, caramel, blueberry, vanilla – only good stuff. They all look homemade too, all soft and perfectly baked. Still warm for some, they smell absolutely delicious. Magnus can’t believe it. It’s for him. His neighbor made all of this for him. He leaves his note and carefully takes the plate as if he had just found a pirate’s treasure. Of all things he owns, of all the silks and cashmeres he’s touched, nothing is quite as precious as a plate of baked goods prepared with love. Later this night, biting into the muffin version of an apple crumble as Alec delights him with Saint-Saëns’ Swan, Magnus wonders what he did to deserve this seat in heaven.

“I have one last humble request, if you let me,” Magnus smiles, visibly proud of having used the perfect phrasing. He steps even closer, his hands joined together under his chest as he rubs his own palms gently. “Please, teach me,” he almost whispers.

Alec raises an eyebrow. This doesn’t make sense, Magnus always seemed to be such an expert. “Teach you? What do you mean, you don’t play it?”

Magnus’ eyes dart to the left. “I know a lot about music but I’ve never really…” he moves his hands around, looking for a word. “Taken the time to learn myself.” He locks his gaze back into Alec’s eyes. “So let’s make a deal. Keep the piano and give me lessons in return.”

Wild Life by crazyellephant

Why I love this fic: There’s something about two strangers who meet in the craziest of ways that just gives a reader hope for their own future. Magnus is so entirely lovable and Alec was a goner the second he decided to ask Magnus along for the ride. With every new character who sees them falling in love, the reader learns a little more about both Magnus and Alec and it makes the reader fall in love with them separately before they even want them together. These two were insufferable the entire fic and I just wanted them to have their happily ever after. 

Favorite quotes: In this life, Alec is just the guy who was nice enough to have picked up this hitchhiker. And tomorrow, quite possibly, they��re going to go their separate ways.

"Hey, Alec." Magnus said, his voice echoing in the room. Alec grunted to acknowledge he was still awake. "Thank you for coming back to pick me up and staying with me tonight."

Alec turned and lay on his back, his hands resting on his stomach. He looked at Magnus and smiled. "No problem. My conscience wouldn’t have let me live it down if I heard you died there or something."

"Magnus?" Alec asked, voice catching in his throat.

"Hm?" Magnus responded.

"I really like you." Alec all but whispered his confession, aware of how very close they were. He held his breath, waiting for Magnus to say something.

Magnus smiled wider. "I really like you, too." He confessed.

Attached to her message is a screenshot of Magnus' Instagram page. Trust his sister to already be following probably all of Magnus' social media accounts. It was a picture of the two of them. Magnus had jumped on Alec for a piggyback, his arms around Alec, hands resting on Alec's chest, Alec's hands circled back around Magnus' thighs to keep him steady. Magnus' had his chin on Alec's shoulder and both of them were smiling. It was taken by a friendly tourist when they were at Lipan point earlier that day, with the view of the Grand Canyon right behind them.

On the caption Magnus had written:

Most handsome mule at the #GrandCanyon. ;) #OrIsItStubbornAss #besttimeever #adventure #mine

~

Author Story

I had always been terrified of posting my writing. I’ve written for years, upwards of 15 at this point in time. I have notebooks filled with stories dating back to my freshman year in high school, none of which have ever (or will ever) see the light of day. There was something so… satisfying, about posting my first story for this fandom. It wasn’t anything amazing now that I look back on it, but it spurred my creativity and had me yearning to write. It had been years before I posted my first fic that I had actually sat down and written a story. Now, a few days go by without writing and I feel lost. 

I have this fandom to thank for that. I’ve met the most brilliant, talented, kind people that I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing through Shadowhunters. Every author mentioned and so many more inspire my own writing every single day. Writing is… hard. It’s impossible to always feel good about what you put on a page, but to have fans of the show tell you that your writing made them feel something is unimaginable. I’ve had people tell me that my writing makes them cry because of angst, have to take a cold shower because of smut, makes them curl up in a ball and squeal because of fluff; it honestly means everything. 

[misscrawfords]

Shipper asks: 1, 2, 4, 19, 27, 30, 32, 40?

1. Talk about the first ship you ever had.

Probably Laura and Almanzo from the Little House books. My mind was blown when I got to the end of Little Town on the Prairie and Almanzo asked Laura out and suddenly little 7 year old me (or whatever) discovered romance. I can still basically quote the dialogue from the proposal scene in Those Happy Golden Years from memory.

2. Talk about three of the most important ships throughout your life.

Harry/Hermione. My first fandom OTP, the first ship I wrote fic for, the first ship I read and wrote meta for that essentially took me through my entire adolescence and formed my views on relationships, fiction, writing, and fandom. I love you, H/Hr.

Matthew/Mary. The ship that got me back into fandom for better or worse after a long break, which introduced me to some of my closest online friends and at least one genuine offline friend too, the ship that led to me writing a novel that I’m truly proud of (it’s Consolation Prize and you should go read it now) and become semi-well-known as a writer to the extent that I met a literary agent in Manhattan. (Tragically, I have not yet actually written anything for her and it was like eight years ago now so IDK if she would even remember me or care about me but still - it happened!) Matthew/Mary was literary, intelligent, historical and full of longing and I basically did a masters degree because of them.

Ben/Rey. The ship that smacked me in the face one day when I watched a trailer and suddenly realised that they were the culmination of every literary and romantic impulse I had been searching for since I was about 15. I was not expecting to fall so hard and so deeply. They’ve reignited my writing once more and I have learned so much from them and the fandom that has passed on into my understanding of stories and mythology. Once again, I owe a fictional ship a heck of a lot.

4. What’s your current NOTP?

I’ve been thinking about this all day trying to think of one and I don’t think I have one... There are ships that don’t do anything for me, of course, and ones that make me go “Huh? How on earth do you get “romance” from that?”. Ron/Hermione is my biggest one. Finn/Rey is another (and currently even more so thanks to JB’s ill-advised comments). But NOTPS? Nope. Because ultimately shipping is fictional and there’s no such thing as a bad ship, just personal preferences. I actually quite like (as a kind of academic exercise) taking the apparently least obvious couple you can imagine and then somehow finding a way to make it work, because actually what it’s doing is nothing to do with romance per se, but everything to do with finding common ground and developing as a person through your relationship with another person and that is a very rewarding thing to think about and gets to the heart IMO of what makes an interesting ship.

19. Have you ever shipped something despite yourself?

That feeling of “We’re going here? Oh yes, we are definitely going here” and hating yourself? I feel like I have... but I can’t think when! I’m trying to think of my most absolute trash ships but... but usually they’re not really bad.

27. Is there a ship you’ve shipped for most of your life?

I guess, Darcy/Elizabeth? I first read P&P when I was 7 and I started reading P&P fanfic when I was 11 on the computer in the library and I guess I still ship them so... yeah!

Also Fatty/Bets from Enid Blyton’s Five Find-Outers series because I definitely shipped them before I understood when shipping was and I must have been very young when I was reading those books.

30. Name a couple of fandoms in which you have no ships.

Being in a fandom with no ships!? What is this!? Well, I guess I haven’t really shipped anything in Doctor Who since the days of Rose Tyler so that probably counts. And I can’t say I really ship anyone in The Good Place. Like, Chidi/Eleanor is fine. It’s cute. It’s obviously endgame. But I’m not invested, not going to read fics or anything. If it didn’t happen I’d be okay also.

32. Share five must-read fics.

Oh, this is LOVELY. Fic rec time!!

1. A Girl in Black by @khaleesa 

I'm not as sad as I should be. That's what makes me sad. The Titanic sinks, Patrick dies, and rather than wait at home to meet the new heir of Downton, Mary tries her luck in London, where she meets Sir Richard Carlisle instead. [Alternate S1]

Richard Carlisle/Mary Crawley. (Such an aBooSiVe ship lolooolol.) Still the definitive Downton fic for me. Such a good AU!

2. Down the Isle by @loversinfiniteness 

Down the Isle, a reality dating show, is roommates Jane and Tom's guilty pleasure. Under the sun of an indeterminate hot country, millions watch the contestants in their search for love. The weird twist? They're all characters from P&P, Emma, Mansfield Park and Persuasion. But this isn't a butchering of Austen: love, whether it's in bikinis or bonnets, is ever the same thing...

(A slightly unhinged Love Island AU featuring many of Austen's characters. Everyone is wittier and less eager for romance than the real contestants on the show. NOW COMPLETE!)

If you like Jane Austen and you like modern AUs you need to read this even if you think it isn’t your cup of tea. Trust me, it is.

3. Disconnect by Weatherbug02

Rey was an unpopular YouTuber for years before her channel skyrocketed. Kylo was a YouTuber with millions of subscribers who couldn't keep his mouth shut. After a misunderstanding, both parties became part of a famous rivalry known throughout the internet. Neither had seemed too keen on resolving it, but after five years, people start to notice a change between the two.

Reylo social media modern AU and one of my favourite fics. I would recommend Play to Win here but basically everyone has already read it!

4. The Eagle’s Nest by HeartofAspen

COMPLETE! Hermione's eighth year at Hogwarts is already going to be difficult in the aftermath of the war, but it is further thrown into upheaval when Headmistress McGonagall orders a re-sorting of all students to promote inter-house unity. But when the Sorting Hat sends Hermione to Ravenclaw with Draco - and without Harry or Ron - how will she cope? [AU, Dramione] Prevalent alchemy.

Yep, this is 70 chapters of slow-burn Dramione with very interesting world-building. Go read! 

5. And All the Devils Are Here by queenofchildren

It's a simple story, really: Girl meets Boy. Girl hates Boy. Girl and Boy infiltrate the most popular reality dating show on television to expose its unethical treatment of contestants and have to act like they're falling in love... And suddenly, the lines get blurred between the sparks flying on screen - and the real thing that grows when the cameras stop rolling.

This is a Benvolio/Rosaline from Still Star Crossed modern AU reality dating show fic. Huh? You might say. Or maybe you’ve never watched the show. Not important. This is a great fic with bonus Shakespeare references.

40. If you could change one thing about your OTP, what would that be?

The ending, of course.

But which OTP does this refer to, I hear you ask.

ALL OF THEM, YOU FOOL, ALL OF THEM.

Ask me about shipping

[vecna]

For fandom meme-swtor?

Send me a fandom!

This one isn’t as spicy as the Dragon Age one, but I still got Wordy.

Also there’s lots of KOTFE/KOTET/etc spoilers in here, so don’t read if you don’t want to see em. (Looking at you, Chignon.)

The character(s) I first fell in love with:

My own OCs haha.

But more seriously: It was actually Darth Malgus! I was always going to play a Star Wars MMO, let’s be real. But when they started posting promo videos and cinematics for the game, my Sith-loving ass immediately gravitated to that guy haha. And then, it turned out he had the same VA as The Architect from Dragon Age, and that was it for me.

If we’re talking about companions, then it was probably Malavai Quinn. Sith Warrior was the first class I got to 50, and Quinn was the first companion that I really got overly attached to haha.

The character(s) I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Most (not all, but most) of the “new” companions that came in with KOTFE and beyond. I was initially really sour when I realized we were losing all our class storyline companions, and they were being replaced with a new crew of Lana, Theron, Koth, my mother-in-law Senya, etc. Especially when they – at the time – said we’d eventually get our class companions back, but it would be a while. So I started KOTFE sure that I would hate the new crew because I would rather have the old one…. and ended up liking them quite a lot! Mostly, lol.

The character(s) everyone else loves that I don’t:

Doc is the main one, jesus christ. If you didn’t read my last post, I just really really really do not mesh well with overly sexual and Adult Humor-y characters who scold you with a “You’re no fun.” if your OC isn’t into it. Doc is the worst example of it that I’ve ever encountered. I always play a male JK, and the fact nearly all of his convos amount to, “Boy, you and me are going to be up to our eyeballs in vagina when this war ends, amirite?” “You don’t want that? Come on, the Jedi Code doesn’t say you can’t FUCK, live a little.” “You’re no fun. Well, more for me.” drives me NUTS. This combined with how he interacts with Kira just does me in. Shoves him out an airlock.

Dark Side Jaesa is another big one, albeit mainly for OOC reasons. I just hate the fact that she even exists, really. I get the appeal of a story where a Sith corrupts a Jedi to the Dark Side, but the way she does a total 180 into gross hedonism while Serving You always just makes me cringe. Plus there’s the fact that straight dudebro gamers are really nasty with her, and she’s the main companion I always see men put into the slave bikini outfit, and just yikes.

Also just a lot of one-off NPCs that everyone goes crazy for and ships their OCs with, but I  constantly forget who they even are lol. Attros Finn comes to mind. I don’t hate them! Just don’t get the appeal I guess.

The character(s) I love that everyone else hates:

Lord Scourge, although I’m not sure he’s really hated as much anymore. I just remember at launch, when all of the overly invested Revan stans absolutely HATED him because of what he did in the Revan novel, and then flooded the tags with vitriol over being “stuck” with him as a Knight, and having to hear about Revan in his companion convos. It was really, really tiresome! Maybe it’s because I never really cared that deeply about Revan as my personal character, but I could not understand the backlash.

Anyway, Lord Scourge is my favorite companion in the game by a long shot. I love the conversations you can have with him about the Jedi vs Sith, and I love the mutually respectful tone those conversations take. (Where other Bioware companions who disagree with you have a tendency to just go, “You’re wrong.” and shut you down.) The fact that he’s so tied in with the plot just makes me love him more, really.

The character(s) I used to love but don’t any longer:

Cytharat, Koth and Theron mostly. Although this takes a bit of explaining, and is a bit Discourse-y – because I really appreciate them as characters, but their role and Bioware’s decisions with them is what made me no longer love them.Here’s the thing: Bioware has a bad habit of introducing male characters that are bisexual, and then having them betray you, leading to situations where they either get murdered or vanish from the narrative entirely. Meanwhile, bisexual women like Lana are untouched and around forever.

I was overjoyed when I first saw Cytharat. Y'all know I’m a ho for purebloods, and the fact that he was Malgus’ apprentice was fascinating to me – and then he turned out to be a bi romance. I got very hyped for him, only to find out he dies like 5 minutes later – or if you save him, he’s never seen again. Huge letdown.

Koth was the first character I fell in love with of the new KOTFE crew – I even initiated a romance with him! – but it quickly became obvious there’s no way to play the expansion without him turning on you judgementally at some point or another. And then, hey big surprise, you can kill him or else he’s never seen again.

Theron I’ve loved since we first got to know him in the Forged Alliances content, but that whole storyline where he seemingly betrays you out of nowhere, only to later reveal he didn’t actually, idk. And then, once again, you either kill him or he disappears from the story. It felt like a weirdly shoehorned in plot for shock value, and robbed us of a second bi MOC character.

You see the trend here? I want to love these characters, but Bioware continually electing to do this shit with bi dudes is tiresome and makes me unwilling to invest any interest in the characters anymore.

The character(s) I would totally smooch:

None.

The character(s) I’d want to be like:

None really come to mind? I just want to be a Jedi, come on.

The character(s) I’d slap:

Hunter all day every day.

The pairing(s) that I love:

Haha, this question is hard, because most of the SWTOR ships I’m invested in are between my OCs and my friends’ OCs.

However.

SCOURGE / KNIGHT IS THE BIG ONE, THE ULTIMATE, THE ALL-TIME FAVORITE. It’s really hard to describe just how much I love this ship, and just how much time and energy I’ve invested into it over the past… 8 years wow……….. To the point of being almost territorial. And it’s also near impossible for me to talk about why I love it, because the version I ship is so personalized with my specific Jedi Knight, especially since it had to live exclusively in headcanon land for so long. Scourge is, more or less, my Knight’s support pillar and the thing that grounds him and keeps him humble, in a world where my Knight is surrounded by people who expect him to be a pure flawless messiah. But, I mean. How can you have a man look at your character and say, “I’ve waited 300 years to see your face.” and not immediately ship it. And then I finally got vindicated after all these years when it was made canon!

I really love Arcann / Knight for a lot of the same reasons as the above, but I just really adore his one (1) romance convo haha. Granted, yes he did a lot of fucked up things, but I was so grateful when he had like… a Zuko-esque redemption. Where he comes to your character and firmly believes he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and especially doesn’t deserve affection, and is instead met with acceptance and a chance to grow and heal. That’s the good shit.

Others:

Lana / Warrior and Lana / Inquisitor are my particular jam. I endlessly enjoy the mutual respect between Lana and those particular PCs.

Malavai Quinn / Sith Warrior is a longtime fave, and although I DO love him with a female Warrior, I really do with he’d been an option for dudes as well. And I feel the same in reverse about Vette / Warrior – I do like her with a male Warrior, and it’s so sweet and wholesome and endearing, but man I wish she’d been an option for female Warriors.

I ship Risha with every woman – especially Vette and Sumalee – and will be salty until my grave that Risha / f!Smuggler isn’t possible, because I love Risha with the Smuggler but she gives me powerful WLW vibes.

Agent / Watcher Two is also a lowkey favorite, but I ALSO wish it could be done with a female Agent instead. Same with Agent / Raina Temple.

Agent / Vector is very sweet, but again, I will be salty until my grave that it couldn’t be done with a male Agent.

Can you guys sense a running theme here?

Finally: NGL I love Valkorion / Senya, even though that ended in pure disaster.

And people around here used to ship Keeper / Lokin, and tbh, I still kinda love it lol.

The pairing(s) that I despise:

In general terms, I fucking hate every single romance that involves the male PC romancing his padawan or underling, especially since most of them seem like very young girls. I don’t know why this is so pervasive in the game, but yikes Bioware. Consular/Nadia is the worst offender, but they’re all just cringe central for me.

But the big one is Agent / Hunter. This would have gotten me run off Tumblr back in the day, but god I hate this pairing. I mentioned in the last post that I just will never enjoy ships where the two characters actively want to murder each other, but. This just gets magnified for me with Agent/Hunter, where all the mind control and blatant abuse comes into play – and people have a tendency to write noncon rape fic of the two and present it as ~sexy rivalmance~, which is awful. Add to this the “no homo” reveal where Hunter turns out to be a woman, after getting everyone hyped about a dude flirting with their male character the whole game, and it’s just a huge No Thanks from me all around.

And for largely personal reasons I just don’t like seeing female Knights with Scourge. Listen, for YEARS  I was treated like a pariah for shipping Scourge with my male Knight, while being unable to find Scourge content that didn’t have a female Knight plastered all over him. Even though he wasn’t even a romance option one way or another, the way the fandom treated m!Knight/Scourge with disdain while ardently shipping f!Knight/Scourge was offputting as shit. And then, after years, he was made a romance option for women AND men, and all these awful people acted like they were robbed, the way people reacted when Kaidan and Jaal were made bi in Mass Effect. I’m so tired. I never want to see Scourge with a female Knight again.

[starryjyrus]

What Jyrus Means Too Me and Why I’ll Never Be Fully Won Over By Tyrus:

!!TW OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND DISCUSSION OF MENTAL HEALTH!!

The Summer of 2017 was by far the best Summer I’ve ever had, it’s kind of a shame it was followed by the worst Summer I’ve ever had..

Anyway, back at that time I had been really into SmurfVlogs (still am, I’ve been watching him since about 2015-16 I’d say) anyway, everyone had been mourning the loss of Girl Meets World and he had announced on his channel that Disney planned on making a show similar to GMW and that the pilot had been released on YouTube, I became hella curious especially when I had heard the rumor that there was a possibility of a gay main character and that there was supposedly going to be a gay love triangle between Cyrus/Andi/Jonah, this definitely peaked my interest considering Disney, outside of Good Luck Charlie and a few other cameo like characters/relationships spotted in different movies/series, like Finding Dory, hadn’t really had that. And a MAIN character? Possibly TWO main characters being LGBT? I obviously had to watch. I of course heard other things that made the series look good, ie the Teenage Pregnancy storyline, the diversity in casting and more, but this is what sold me. Thus started my obsession.

Anyway, I watched the show. I watched the first episode on YouTube and continued watching after that, I remember the break in between the middle of season 1 that was only like two weeks, I remember seeing missing scenes in the show that wasn’t in the original promo (their was a shot of the coming out scene in the season one promo, if it wasn’t obvious to some episode 1 of season 2, or at least the first half, was originally the episode 13 of season 1) and I remember the speculation around that and the reasoning as to why they had cut that scene out.

I was in love with it. The whole storyline was just so pure and the relationship between Jonah and Cyrus was the single best thing I’ve ever witnessed. I made a fan account on Insta for it, a Tumblr, edits and so much more. The whole community was so beautiful and it was so much fun and wholesome. I’d watch the show and remember how amazing the world could be, how something like the ‘friendom’ could exist haha. I was getting older and I know it seemed weird (I was going into my Sophomore year, possibly just ending my Freshman year of school when I started watching) to be so invested in a CHILDS show but I couldn’t help it. It was an escape from reality. A place with positivity and happiness which at that time I desperately needed.

I made some of my best memories of my life during that time of the show premiering and during the hiatus. And the majority was because of things in relation to Jyrus. I’ll never forget those times and what being connected into a fandom like that was like.

The friends, the edits, the Insta live-streams from casts, it was insane too see how happy they got from it all and how much of a new experience it was. Other things like the Asher ‘be you’ memes and Josh on here with his ‘persongoingfast’ tumblr made it great as well. Even if I’m not a big fan of Josh as a person now, due to reasons, (mainly with him seemingly making fun of or mocking Jyrus and stuff like that, considering I used to really look up to him and be a big fan to see belittle something I cared so deeply about hurt me on a level l cannot describe) him being so interactive then was still an amazing thing and helped make things so much more fun at that time, so thank you @joshua-rush for that. Sincerely.

Everything was so beautiful during that..until it lwasn’t.

My mental health got really bad due to some losses and such in my family around November of 2017 and I had to be hospitalized in a mental health facility for a few weeks. It was extremely scary but I found comfort in the place, mainly due to some fellow people inside that watched Andi Mack, relating to them and being able to talk about the show with people who actually watched it? It was incredible. No one up to that point (aside from my mom who I forced to watch with me) watched the show and could talk with me about it.

I got out and the support and concern I get from friends online was overwhelming, so many people cared about me while I was gone and worried about me. No one ever really did that, at least my friends didn’t, I remember opening my phone for the first time on the way back home when we stopped at a McDonalds and the amount of messages put me into tears. There were people online who I’ve never met and we only really knew each other through a ship and a show genuinely CARED about me? It was breathtaking. I have much more friends now that would be concerned and care about me, but at that time irl I really didn’t. And the fact so many did was unbelievable.

Everything slowly but surely was getting better and worse in some areas, my overall depression state was getting better, due to medication and such, but I had relapses a few times in bad areas like self harming as well. It was pretty back and forth for a while.

Then, the worst thing that could’ve happened, happened. A quick backstory is that I don’t live with my mom, I haven’t since 7th grade and instead have lived with my Great Aunt and Great Uncle. I was always very close to them for my entire life, especially my Great Uncle, he was for a long time the most important person in my life, he was like a father too me. Hell, he WAS my father for the majority of my life. And last year on July 11th, he had unfortunately passed away.

This was absolutely devastating and considering I already was struggling with mental health and depression in the first place..ya can probably guess the spiral that ensured.

For a while I was doing okay, and then one day I broke, it had been around the time of Cyrus confirming he no longer had a crush on Jonah and when everyone started to switch from Jyrus to Tyrus and Jyrus shipper hatred became pretty popular. People were sending a specific Jyrus shipper anons of saying they wished they’d die just because they shipped Jyrus, you couldn’t go on YouTube comment sections on videos about Jyrus because you had people shitting on it everywhere, people started commenting under Jyrus edits on Instagram about how Tyrus was better and how gross it was to ship Jyrus, I got DMs of people genuinely upset because I didn’t like Tyrus, I had friends leave the sites due to the bullying they were receiving, we had some Tyrus account going around saying Jyrus shippers were ped*philes, It was insane. Now, I of course was NO saint and I know I’ve done and said some messed up shit too and if I ever hurt anyone I am deeply sorry for that, it was not my intention. And I know Jyrus shippers are not all saints either but this was just out of control. Especially whenever it was hurting a lot of people who were innocent and making them feel wrong about something as little as shipping something.

And I had a mental breakdown. I had just lost the most important person in my life and now the place that I considered my safe haven was crumbling before my eyes and all I could do was watch. It was too much. I had people saying they wanted shippers like me dead, and finally I just couldn’t handle it and completely had a melt down. If you are already having thoughts like these and you have people reinforcing what you already thought and not making you feel like you belong, well, anywhere, it really does get too you.

I of course, came out alright. Thank you to the Tumblr creator that called the police that night for a lot of that.

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve been holding this in for so long so please bare with me.

Anyway, I am doing much better now and I’m thankful to be here still. I’m learning to fight against the haters rather then take shit and bottle things up like I used too. I still have a lot of issues but since that awful night, I haven’t had any plans of suicide or many thoughts of it.

I’m going into my last year of high school and soon I’ll be a legal adult. It’s been such a ride to get here and honestly I never thought I would but I finally think I’m getting past all of the shit in my past and am moving on.

My main reason to make this post and to be so open about everything here was to try to explain a lot of why I’m always going to be for Jyrus and not so much for Tyrus. I have other issues then the fans when it comes to Tyrus, but it has always been a main one when it comes to me not wanting to ship it.

When I look at Jyrus, despite them being pure and amazing on their own, I see some of my last good memories, I see the best time of my life, I see a point where I felt the best and where everything was going really right too me, I see long lasting friends, I see beautiful edits, I see a community, I see love, I see loyalty and so much more.

But when I look at Tyrus, all I see is the bad memories I have associated with them and the shippers, in a lot of ways, Tyrus has been a huge source of my personal pain in life, I know it seems silly and it probably is, but I have such an emotional dependence on Jyrus and Tyrus messed me up in a lot of ways in regards to that. I lost the majority of my safe haven when they emerged as more then just a crack ship. All I see when I look at them is sadness and that’s all I’m probably going ever going to see.

I tried in numerous areas to get fully on board with the ship but I just can’t. I have no love for it in a way I do for Jyrus. It’s not a terrible ship, I know that, but throughout everything that has happened even if it had no flaws I don’t think I’d ever ship it a lot.

I know everyone has their own version of things and reasons why they ship what they ship or don’t ship what they ship or like some shippers but hate others, this is just my personal story on the matter and I hope it clears up some of why I act the way I do online sometimes and why I’m so defensive of the ship and shippers.

Sorry this was so weird, I just needed to get this off of my chest cause I’ve had it in there for so long and I needed to talk about it.

[p-and-p-admin]

Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group.  (sharing here Admin approved)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/ Hello CRMediaGal and welcome to Behind the Quill, thank-you for letting us get to know you a little better.

Many of our members will know your Unquestionable Love series. 

We’re grateful you can spend some time with us today. 

Okay, so let's jump into it!

What’s the story behind your pen name?

CR is an abbreviation for “cracked rendition” and that comes from the excerpt from a poem I’ve loved since I was young. Years ago, to help put myself through art college, I did web design on the side and called my little company Cracked Rendition Designs. When I created my pen name, I combined all of these elements together to make CRMediaGal (for some illogical reason I thought it was a solid name at the time lol) and, to this day, I still think about changing my pen name altogether.  I figure it’s too late for that now, though. 

Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most?

Luna Lovegood. I wish I’d had her self-assurance and confidence in who she is at that age but, that aside, I identify with how she’s a bit of a loner, an oddball, and tends to be left out (or does until she finds her Hogwarts friends). I’ve really struggled with being an outsider most of my life, so it’s comforting to see that representation in literature but through a young woman who possesses the self-confidence people like myself often lack. 

Do you have a favourite genre to read? 

I tend to love period dramas, so a lot of the classic novels are my favourites (i.e. Austen, Henry James, etceteras).  

Do you have a favourite “classic” novel?

The Portrait of a Lady is one of my favourite novels.  I reread it every couple of years.  

At what age did you start writing? 

I’ve been writing since I was very little, so probably seven, eight, nine-ish? I used to be much more of an artist/sketcher than a writer, so I’d make up stories and write and sketch and staple them together all day long lol. 

How did you get into writing fanfiction?

After watching Deathly Hallows: Part 2 at the cinema in 2011.  Severus Snape’s death hit me hard all over again (I hadn’t read the last book in a few years), and I decided that I desperately needed to change that for myself lol.  Unquestionable Love is the first fanfic (SSHG) I ever wrote and it’s become an ongoing series, so I’m grateful to have gotten the “spark” to write fanfic from somewhere around that time.  I decided in 2011 to try my hand at “fleshing out” my little Snape family that had been mucking about in my head for much longer than that.

What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works?

I’m a total sucker for the brooding, self-loathing male who thinks himself unworthy of love and redemption and the sunshine, kick-arse lady, aka Centre of His World, who loves him back to life. #GimmeMorePleaseandThankYou

What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter?

I’ve written fics for Star Wars (ReyBen/Reylo is another one of my favourite ships outside of SSHG), The Hobbit (Thranduil/Tauriel), and Les Miserables (Enjonine). 

If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? Do you have a favourite piece of fanon?

Severus Snape’s death (he’s NOT dead! #nope #denial4ever). 

My favourite piece of fanon is probably Severus being Draco’s godfather. Regardless of where it originated from, I’m all for it. 

Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet? 

I used to need complete solitude and quiet to write, but nowadays I can write with some instrumental music playing in the background.  It depends on where my headspace is at. 

What are your favourite fanfictions of all time? 

I don’t read much fanfic anymore, as it’s hard enough for me to find time for my own writing…but off the top of my head, I’d probably have to go with a “classic” - The Tattered Man (SSHG) by Aurette.  It’s gutting and heart-wrenching and doesn’t have a happy ending, but it’s a hauntingly beautiful piece that stays with you. 

Are you a plotter or a pantser? How does that affect your writing process?

I’m somewhere in the middle. I tend to plot out certain points I want to hit from chapter to chapter (if it’s a multi-chapter fic and heavy on plot, for instance), but writing is an organic process and I enjoy allowing my muse to surprise me as well.

What is your writing genre of choice? 

A good mixture of Angst and Fluff (and nearly always with a HEA!) 

Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why? 

I’m proud of all my stories for different reasons, mainly technical milestones I was able to achieve with the writing or the emotional attachments I had to them at the time that I wrote them.

If I had to choose one (or two because I gotta cheat here haha!), I’d go with either Unto Their Own (SSHG) because the subject matter was so dark and took me to places mentally that were very tough for me to navigate (the fact that I finished that fic is an achievement for me because it could have very well been abandoned at various points in the story); or Unquestionable Love (SSHG), both the original and the series as a whole, because that story has my heart entirely invested in it.  That precious family means everything to me and the story, from beginning to present, is my headcanon for the SSHG pairing.  I really can’t see them any other way, though I’ve written other stories where their lives turn out quite differently. 

Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it?

Sticking with Unquestionable Love here, the original story came together mostly as expected, though there were a couple darker turns the fic was supposed to take that I didn’t have the heart--or the stamina, I suppose--to end up developing.  

One of my dear OCs/one of the daughters was supposed to die at one point in the story and I realised that doing so would have ultimately changed Severus’s fate, as well as the entire course of the storyline.  (There is just no way that UL!Severus would survive the death of one of his children, so I guess I’m no JK Rowling or any other esteemed writer who can just ruthlessly kill off their characters haha!) I’ve learned through writing this series that I can tackle subject matters that are very emotionally tough for me and that’s a good feeling.  

I’ve also learned that I have something to say, even if it’s not much heard or well-liked, and that that still makes my storytelling worthy of being out there in the fandomverse; or, at least, I try to remind myself that it’s okay to exist.

How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write?

It’s intensely personal in some respects and those aspects are difficult for me to discuss.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to talk about them in depth, but I will say a couple scenes in the latter half of Unquestionable Love were incredibly trying to write due to personal experience. I pushed through those moments, though, and I think that, because of that therapeutic exercise, I’m able to tackle other tough subjects in my stories more easily. 

What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing?

I admire various writers, mainly for the love of the language that’s reflected in their writing styles.  Anne Rice immediately comes to mind.  If I had an ounce of her talent, I’d write with so much confidence lol. I don’t think writers like her necessarily affect my writing style, but they’re certainly people I aspire to write more like.  

Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction? 

Only more recently.  I haven’t really allowed any of them to read my work, as so much of it is deeply personal, but just being upfront with my closest friends and family has been a nice development.   

How true for you is the notion of “writing for yourself”? 

I think this is something, as a fic writer, that’s essential.  However, I’m also of the mindset that fandom is about community, and fanfic writers want to engage with their audiences.  We want to feel less alone in these wacky and often times complicated scenarios we put our characters through, and we want people to respond to them...hopefully, with a positive reaction. 

That’s what it’s all about--interaction--and it can be rather heartbreaking, as a writer, when you don’t receive engagement because maybe your headcanons or takes on characters aren’t popular or are considered outside of the ‘norm’. 

For me, I find it too crippling anymore to continue sharing my stories with the fandoms I love when they’re met with silence or hate.  There’s nothing more soul crushing than just being dismissed or disliked or not accepted...and that’s why I’ve chosen to post my stories privately (for now, at least).

How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media?

It’s pretty essential to me to be able to engage with readers.  I absolutely love it and I wish it happened more often haha.  I used to run polls and interact with readers on my fanfiction.net and AO3 accounts (both now inactive) and through my still active Tumblr account (http://crmediagal.tumblr.com/ ).  I now have my own website - www.crmediagal.com - where I can fully control the flames and negativity. 

It may be temporary but, so far, it’s working out pretty well.  It’s made my readership a lot smaller but, at least, I know the people who are there genuinely want to read more of my work and won’t leave me hate comments.  That’s so comforting and encouraging.  

What would you most like your readers to take away with them when they've finished your stories?

A powerful message of some kind...remembrance...perhaps, suggest one or two of them to other readers and shippers out there.  

That’s the only way our stories survive, really. 

What is the best advice you’ve received about writing?

That you need to protect your “voice”, no matter how unpopular it may be, and that there is no one else who writes like you and that you should take pride in that.  

I try to remind myself of these important pointers when I’m feeling particularly down about my storytelling abilities. 

What do you do when you hit writer’s block?

Watch my favourite films or television shows to help re-spark my creativity.  I come back to the writing when it ‘speaks’ to me.  I no longer press myself to push out writing because, more often than not, the result is going to get tossed and reworked anyhow.  

Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing?

Yes, certain experiences and people I’ve encountered in my life have definitely wound up in some of my stories.  

Many of my OCs in different stories are examples of that. 

Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser? 

I’m working on a new SSHG story that’s based off of a fun prompt from a dear, long-time reader.  

It will start posting at my website - www.crmediagal.com - in the coming weeks/months, so if anyone would like access to it, you can contact me there.  

Here’s a short excerpt:

Cradling his head in his hand, Severus stomped to his front door and opened it a crack, jostling the handle loud enough that it caught three people’s attention, the woman firstly before the others.  

“What’s the bloody idea?” he snarled, shouting above them.  

Each individual—two wizards and one witch—went mute and turned to stare from the neighbouring sidewalk.  

“I’ll have you know that this is a quiet street!  And I was sleeping!”  When the guests next door to him, who were just towing the property line and about to get themselves knocked out, offered no response, he prodded, grinding his teeth together, 

“Are you daft, you fools?  Do you not comprehend?  HEY!”

The two gentlemen, who appeared to be fresh out of Hogwarts—or maybe they hadn’t gotten that far in their magical studies, judging by the stupidity on their expressions—startled and nodded in unison.  

“Yes, sir!”

“Oh, my...” the witch, in turn, murmured, seemingly more to herself than anyone else.

Severus identified her vacant, open-mouthed expression at once: she recognised him.  As of yet, he had little recollection as to who she might be and didn’t give a damn.  He kicked his door open the rest of the way with his boot, jostling the three near trespassers backward a few more paces, and stalked down his steps and onto his sidewalk. 

That was when he finally understood the reason behind all of the commotion: one of the branches to the old oak tree that shielded his stoop, and had been there since the earliest days he could recall of his childhood, had crashed onto the pavement, cracking the sidewalk in half. 

A part of his iron fence, too, had crumbled under the weight of the broken branch, and there was an assortment of boxes, some severely banged up, scattered across his property. 

“What the...?  That’s my tree you idiots hit!  And my bleedin’ fence...!”

“I - I’m sorry, sir,” stammered the witch with wildly curly hair and worrisome brown eyes, hastily stepping forward to intervene.  

“I’ve been trying to figure out how this happened—”Severus turned his glare on her.  

“And who are you?”  The seemingly thirty-something woman blushed to her roots, which he couldn’t account for, until she spoke in a faint, insecure whisper, 

“Um, Hermione, sir...  Hermione Weasley.  Oh, gosh, I mean, I - I was Hermione Weasley until...”  She cleared her throat and attempted to reintroduce herself, flushing in such a manner that it flaunted dainty-looking freckles that dotted her cheeks and nose.  Had she always had those?  Severus couldn’t remember.  

“Oh, bother!  It’s Hermione Granger, Professor.  Surely, you...you remember me?”Severus went as rigid as a column.  

“Oh, for fuck’s sake...” he blurted aloud before he could stop himself. Hermione blinked, taken aback.  

“I’m sorry?”Severus’s shock morphed into a tight-fitting sneer.  

“I thought I was done with the lot of you.”

Any words of encouragement to other writers?

Try not to get too discouraged by lack of reviews or not making the recommendations lists.  Keep persevering and know that someone out there, even if it’s just one reader, will love what you have to share with the world.  

Thanks for spending some time with us today CRMediaGal, we’ve enjoyed getting to know you.

[smileykeijser]

Hey. I had a question. And I’m very excited for your answer. What pulled you toward Elippo? Like, why are you so emotionally invested in them? I love them too, so don’t take this the wrong way. 😘 I just want to hear you muse on Elippo if you would be so kind. Your fics of them are so beautiful so I was interested in your mindset and your motivation behind them. Thanks, Lovely! ❤️

okay lovely, here we go, this might be a long one

to start off individually, I adore both elia and fililippo as their own characters.

elia was such a surprise for me, since neither of the minor boy squad characters in the original held much interest for me, and honestly, neither did jonas either. this is nothing new, but the way skam italia made the four boys so close, so warm, so loving, and so full of character, each and every one of them, gave me no choice but to fall in love with him. that is by far one of my favourite things about skam italia, beyond the romance, and why it will be hard for me to find another season three remake that I’ll prefer.

tangent over, I’ve loved elia since the season started, with his earring, his gorgeous smile, and the shared looks with gio.

now filippo is also, albeit more absent in the show, a very rich, amazing character. to be honest, while I love the characterization of him on the show, he was brought into full fledged love for me once I started reading headcanons here on tumblr. other than his connection to ele, filippo doesn’t have much of a backstory in general, which is something I hope we’ll get to see more of (in elia’s season ;). that’s one big reason why I adore elippo as a couple, their lushness as characters and also their being a blank slate, but I’ll get into that more later.

I can remember so vividly the first time I read about elippo, let alone heard about elippo, and that was reading @shadeandadidas‘s fics about them. I don’t think it hit me, that infatuation with the pairing, until a little later, as I didn’t post about them until a week or two after I read the fic, but at that point, a few more people had caught on and there was a bit more material to chew on.

that was crucial for me to fall so deeply in love with them, because they were so distant and unconnected, but to see people connecting them in so many different ways and in such beautiful ways, showing just how well their personalities could mesh together, even though they had never been on screen together, it cemented them as something special in my mind.

but really lovely, I fell for them when I wrote them. like I said, they are so rich and full of life on the screen, but beyond their personality as a baseline, they have so much blank space, so much room to grow and become more developed and multilayered. if you put two characters already with so much blank space together in a relationship, there is so much room to play around and create.

this isn’t to say that elia and fillippo are only good together for blank space, because that is so, so false. elia has shown himself to be a confident, charismatic, charming boy, with a massive heart and a strong will. but, to move past that and look through the window to his soul, what could you see? you could see a boy who’s struggling with coming to terms with his bisexuality and his newfound attraction to the beautiful blonde boy named filippo that he met at the christmas party. you could see someone who has a religious family he doesn’t want to be estranged from, you could see someone who is shakier than his strong sense of self would imply.

and filippo, we see him as this gay guru, the older boy who is confident in himself and his sexuality, who is the confident and trusted person in marti’s life. but what has happened in his past? what makes him falter in his confidence? what is up with that elia that he had met at the christmas party? what specifically happened with is parents? what was his coming out like? so many things that could weaken his confident state, and make him a more vulnerable character.

both of these character are similar in the way they’ve been portrayed, and as side characters, these stories don’t get to be explored, which is also why I’m praying for an elia season!

together, we could see them work through these things, delve deeper into their stories, and see them fall in love in such a beautiful way. aagb + petrichor is my canonical story for them, it is what I think they could do for each other so that they both come out the other side stronger, happier, and better for each other.

one thing I consistently touch on with them that is part of the reason I love them is the idea of push and pull. the banter, back and forth, the idea of them being into bdsm for the domination and submission, this push and pull that brings about such tension and love. that is right on the money for how I like my ships, a bit biting, but so entirely in love.

the second last thing think I’m going to touch on that did strengthen my love for them, is the backlash. I don’t know if haters realize that when you love something, defending them only works to strengthen any bonds you have with that thing, person, or ship. I don’t need to be told that my ship is purely for looks because they’ve never interacted on screen, I know that they would work together because of the banter, the sexual tension, the raw honesty they could pull from one another, the moments of peace and love that can be so rare.

then, lastly, and most importantly, there’s the explainable. I have deep roots in them, and they’ve never even talked, or made eye contact, or been in the same frame on screen. but I don’t care, for whatever reason their relationship and connection has struck a cord with me, and that is something I will never quite be able to vocalize properly, or even realize exactly why.

I hope that this was what you were looking for nonny, and that it wasn’t too long lol

also if anyone else wants to share why they love elippo in my ask box, on or off anon, I’d be so happy to read and post them!

[zayntoxicateme]

June 18, 2018 

We managed to catch up with the quietly enigmatic singer.

Read "How Do You Explain Zayn?"

Zayn, the one-named man who found himself reborn after leaving One Direction, is now on GQ's cover. In his shoot with Sebastian Mader, Zayn channels Tyler Durden and Leo DiCaprio's Romeo. And the wildly enigmatic singer also let down his guard, briefly, in talking to writer Carrie Battan about his relationship with Gigi Hadid, the self indulgence of being a "star," and his crafty use of the paparazzi for his own devices—a story you can read here (full story is below; the link will take you to the GQ website)

How Do You Explain Zayn?

By

Carrie Battan

Photographs by

Sebastian Mader

The 25-year-old British singer is deeply, maddeningly, almost trolling-ly enigmatic. And that cultivated mystery—along with his disdain for the standard rules of superstardom—is probably what puts him on the short list for COOLEST HUMAN ALIVE. On a recent Friday night, though, he dropped his guard and spilled his guts.

There are exactly two places in New York on a Friday night where Zayn Malik can smoke Marlboro Lights as liberally and openly as he pleases, unencumbered by gawkers or the city's increasingly draconian anti-smoking laws. The first is Zayn Malik's SoHo apartment, where he spends the majority of his time, zoning out, reading books, listening to music, and "partaking in the herb," as he says. The second is the Mary A. Whalen, a 172-foot-long restored-tanker-ship-turned-nonprofit-hangout-spot that is docked off the shore of Red Hook, Brooklyn. The ship is closed for business after 6 P.M., but tonight its leader, a hardy blonde ship preservationist named Carolina, has agreed to keep it open late to accommodate us. No crowds, a few plastic chairs, and a gently lilting surface that is basically a giant ashtray.

There is just one problem: The temperature on deck is decreasing rapidly with the setting sun, and Zayn—the 25-year-old former British-boy-band member, current solo pop-ish star, and all-around inscrutable avatar of contemporary celebrity—has arrived with nothing on his person but a lighter, a backpack, and an iPhone. No jacket on his rail-thin five-ten frame—just a pair of charcoal skinny jeans, a distressed Pink Floyd T-shirt, a bright pink beanie that obscures his new flower skull tattoo (or "tah-oo," as Zayn pronounces it). He looks so modernly cool, blending a hip-hop swagger with a punk-rock edge, that he should receive a cut from Urban Outfitters every time someone makes a purchase. He is the only man whose Disney-princess-long eyelashes seem to bolster his machismo rather than diminish it. Nobody this dreamy has ever bothered to check the weather to see if he should grab a jacket before leaving the house. Through chattering teeth, he rejects multiple offers of blankets. "It's all good," he insists, burping faintly after taking a swig of his Peroni. "I'm cool."

Still, Carolina avails us of the ship's warmer galley. "I might have a cigarette first?" Zayn asks, as though he needs permission, gesturing toward the other side of the ship. Over there is his assistant Taryn, a young woman with French-braided pigtails that make her look more like a high school soccer player than someone designated to manage the everyday logistics of a notoriously slippery superstar's life. She is the custodian of his pack, doling out individual cigarettes to Zayn periodically.

But Carolina assures us Zayn will not have to stay outside to smoke his cigarette. She'll let us smoke belowdecks on the condition that Zayn provide her one of his Marlboros and permission to snap a photograph. She promises she won't post it until after the story runs. "Uh…yeah?" Zayn replies, sounding sincerely surprised that he is the one who has to answer a question that was directed at him.

A steely detachment from life's mundane logistical concerns is part of almost every celebrity's existence, but it is the core of Zayn's being. This character trait has ruinous potential, but it also means he gets to live his life exactly how he pleases. And it means that he doesn't have to express a single word or hint of desire in order for the conditions around him to re-arrange to his liking and comfort. There's a hapless Peter Pan quality to it that makes it tough to hold against him.

We settle around the table in the '70s-style kitchen on the boat. It's 15 degrees warmer down here and private. Zayn instantly appears relieved, his shoulders unclenching and his brow de-furrowing. He stops shivering. He is in a womb-like space, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes, and he seems palpably and unexpectedly happy. "Thanks," he says quietly and earnestly in Carolina's direction as she seals off the door behind us. "Couple of times I tried to quit. But I just like smoking cigs. Simple as that."

There is a major conundrum in Zayn's life, which is that he may be constitutionally incapable of being a star. He tells me so almost immediately. "I don't work well in group situations, with loads of people staring at me. And when you say 'star'…everyone wants you to be this kind of character that owns a room or is overly arrogant or confident. I'm not that guy," he says. "So I don't want to be a star." Zayn seems to aspire to the soul of Prince, or some cult '90s skate-punk figure, but is trapped in the trajectory of a Justin Timberlake.

A decade ago, someone like Zayn would not have become the Chosen Member of a band like One Direction. The Chosen Member is the boy-band graduate whose solo career evolves and hurdles into grown-up relevance, ultimately overshadowing the band's legacy. Until recently, you could spot a Chosen Member from a mile away—he was unequivocally the best dancer and the one the most girls wanted to bring home to their parents. But Zayn never fit the mold of a Chosen Member. From the day One Direction formed, on the U.K. show The X Factor in 2010, he was cast as the smoldering background foil to the eager-to-please Harry Styles and Liam Payne. His energy and his dance moves were muted. He presented as the quiet, disillusioned one.

But in the past five years or so, it has become acceptable—necessary, even—for a young pop star to show some edge. Thanks to the social-media-fueled, ever intensifying quest for authenticity, real or feigned, we no longer expect our most famous musicians to be toothless and virginal robots. Now we demand that they show a certain degree of lustiness, instability, anti-heroism. The Weeknd scored a No. 1 hit with an elaborately coded song about a cocaine binge—and then followed it up with another No. 1 hit, this one explicitly referencing a cocaine binge. Lana Del Rey's entire aesthetic revolves around a kind of narcotized death wish. And Taylor Swift spent her last album desperately trying to persuade us that she really is villainous. Even Disney's babiest-faced of pop princesses, Selena Gomez, is getting mileage out of her demons, playing a Girl, Interrupted–style heroine and rocking a hospital bracelet in a music video. Face tattoos are basically required for entry onto the Billboard Hot 100 these days. Squeaky-clean is no more.

And yet even for the most tortured-seeming of these artists, there is still a fierce expectation that they play the game. Mild drug habits or mental illnesses are perfectly acceptable, so long as someone is willing to write catchy songs about those tendencies and then later gussy them up for arena audiences and gamely field jokes from talk-show hosts. Even Justin Bieber, the poster child for our current era of troubled pop stars, is always just one phone call with his pastor away from being able to quiet his demons and pop-and-lock on demand.

Zayn seems like a perfect avatar for this new generation of bruised pop heartthrobs, but he's the only one of his cohorts who can back it up with a sincerely jaded disposition and an unpredictable way of being. He is the only one who is staunchly unwilling to play the game. You will not find Zayn cheesing with a random group of famous people for someone's Instagram story at Coachella, nor will you find Zayn learning the latest viral dance move with Ellen DeGeneres. When he released his solo debut, Mind of Mine, two years ago, he opted out of touring altogether, surely pissing off a bunch of emotionally and financially invested parties. And although he promises to be more public-facing this time around—he insists he will tour—he's still removed from the album-cycle content churn. He says the creators of Atlanta have reached out to him to appear on the show—a dream opportunity for anyone in the music industry at this moment—but persnickety Zayn is still mulling the potential. "If the part's right, I'd be really into it," he says. Even the "behind-the-scenes" video that accompanied his new single fails to actually take anyone "behind the scenes"—it's just the song playing over some B-roll. "I guess the cameraman didn't get too much footage," Zayn says on the boat. "I might have been running away from him a bit."

When I ask him why he failed to show up at the Met Gala a couple days earlier, he almost chokes on his cigarette smoke as he exhales. He went to the Met Gala once, in 2016, and that experience symbolized everything he detests about being a famous person—and the litany of coercion and artifice that someone in his position experiences.

"I did go, but I didn't go there to be like, 'Yo, take me serious,' " he remembers. "I was taking the piss! I went there as my favorite Mortal Kombat character, Jax."

He continues: "The Met Gala is not necessarily anything that I ever knew about or was about. But my [former] stylist…would say to me, 'This is really good for you to do.' And no matter how strong you are mentally, you can always be swayed to do certain things. Now, it's not something I would go to. I'd rather be sitting at my house, doing something productive, than dressing up in really expensive clothes and being photographed on a red carpet.… To do the self-indulgent Look at me, I'm amazing thing on the red carpet, it's not me."

Here Zayn catches himself, probably realizing this might register as a diss of Gigi Hadid, the 23-year-old supermodel he's been in an on-again, off-again relationship with for two years. The supermodel who very much seemed to enjoy dressing up in really expensive clothes and being photographed on the red carpet days earlier.

"I get it, and I understand that people gain enjoyment from it," he says. I ask if he followed along with the coverage from his couch. "No, no," he says, and pauses. "Gi stole the night, though. The stained glass on her dress. Everyone else just put a cross on."

When I ask Zayn if he has any confidants in the industry, he shakes his head vigorously. "No," he says. "I don't ever want to cross wires with other people too much. I just want to see the world through my eyes."

Zayn grew up with three sisters ("I was outnumbered," he says) and is still surrounded by women, ensuring that there's a high level of exasperated but fond maternal energy swirling at all times. Blood relatives and the Hadids—particularly Gigi's mother, Yolanda, who seems to have taken on a Kris Jenner–ian role in his life—make up much of his inner circle today. ("We get on. She's really fucking cool. She's a Capricorn. She's the same star sign as me.") He recently parted ways with his high-profile manager. His best friend is a younger cousin.

"I'm not [in] the mix," he says. "I'm outside the mix."

This kind of stubborn non-participation,  of course, is a reaction to the years Zayn spent being in a mix that was not to his liking. When he was a kid, growing up in the northern working-class city of Bradford, singing was just one part of an aimless but all-consuming creative impulse. He never thought he was much of a singer, until one day the choir leader at his performing-arts school praised his voice and suggested that he try out for Britain's premier vocal-competition show. Zayn's mom had to drag him from his bed at 4 A.M. to attend the audition, where he broke from the typical pop fare with a rendition of Mario's "Let Me Love You."

After his X Factor audition, there was an exchange (never aired) in which head judge Simon Cowell probed baby Zayn. " 'You know, with all these online platforms, why haven't you ever put out anything prior to this?' " Zayn remembers Cowell asking him. Zayn seemed the type, after all: a soft-spoken and artistically gifted teen who liked to sing alone in his bedroom and tinkered with rudimentary song-recording equipment. "I didn't necessarily think my stuff would be seen amongst the millions of people who put their stuff online. So I went with X Factor at that age," he says now. Like any fickle teenager, Zayn "just did it for fun, to see what would happen."

The day that Zayn auditioned, he was among many aspiring solo artists rejected by the judges. But five of the young singers were cobbled together as a boy band in a later segment. Thus was born One Direction and a rabid fandom that British people love to compare to Beatlemania. A craze so fierce and massive that it generated global synchronized flash mobs and fan-fiction authors who've reportedly scored six-figure book deals. In an instant, Zayn was thrust into a star-making boot camp, fast-tracked to an uncontrollable type of notoriety without being given the opportunity to consider alternatives.

It's no secret that Zayn didn't love One Direction's sound or his bandmates. "My vision didn't necessarily always go with what was going on within the band," he says. There was something so earnest, so wholesomely dweeby, about the whole thing. It wasn't cool, and Zayn didn't particularly enjoy being dragged around the world to look like an epic dork during the prime of his youth.

When he split off, in 2015, Zayn finally got to do all the things he hadn't been able to in One Direction: dye his hair, grow his beard, sing about sex. But he was also introduced to a fresh army of puppeteers trying to guide him, and he felt disoriented, adrift. The only way to ground himself was to resist the pull of anyone's expectations and answer only to Zayn. He'd spent five years taking direction and had become allergic to it.

There are plenty of clichéd expressions about how toxic and stifling freedom can be, and Zayn experienced many of them when he went solo. "I didn't really, like, make any friends from the band. I just didn't do it. It's not something that I'm afraid to say. I definitely have issues trusting people," he says. When he was living in Los Angeles, aimless, he fell in with a crowd of industry people: "Producers, musicians, tailors, stylists, managers. Them kind of things," he says. "It got too crazy. I just got too much into the party scene. Just going out all the time. And I was too distracted." So he left L.A. permanently and moved to New York earlier this year as a way to bring himself back down to earth.

Running a bit further, he recently bought a farm in rural Pennsylvania on the advice of Yolanda Hadid, who also has a farm there. The farm? "Cool." The state of Pennsylvania? "Cool." If you haven't picked up on it for yourself yet, Zayn loves the word "cool"; he loves it so much that he uses it more than 43 times over the course of our conversation. And now that Zayn likes to go to his farm and visit the Hadids, he and Gigi even have a horse together, named Cool. He's just getting things going on the farm, but already there are crops of cherries, tomatoes, and cucumbers. He likes to ride his ATVs. Sometimes he and Gigi will go at the same time, and she'll ride a horse, like Cool, while he watches.

Zayn has a habit of speaking in a conditioned state of detachment, responding in friendly but anodyne one-liners. Still, even someone who willfully projects this kind of cool two-dimensionalism can get irked from being flattened all the time by those around him. I catch myself flattening him, even when he's right in front of me. When I bring up the deceased Lil Peep, with whom he shared a manager, I say that it's a shame they never met—they seem like kindred spirits who could have made a great song together, or at least bonded over tattoos.

Zayn begins to laugh. "I'm not just going to be friends [with people] because we've both got tattoos. Loads of people come up to me and they're like, 'Yo, I got tattoos, you got tattoos. Let's be friends.' And I'm like… 'We're not just going to be friends because we've both got tattoos.'

"There's a bit more depth to me than that," he says, admonishing me.

One topic that will draw out this aforementioned depth is, unexpectedly, America. Despite the fact that he is living in a country under a leader that is exceptionally hostile to immigrants, the fantasy of America as a come-one, come-all melting pot is alive and well in Zayn's mind. He says he'd vote for Oprah if she ran for office because he likes her "ideologies about the world" and she's a "badass businesswoman."

"The UK is like, Fuck you, you're successful. That's not a nice attitude to have," he says. "You come to America, you're a bit shocked at first: Are these people being genuine? Are they really interested in me? Do they want to have a conversation? But they do! And that's a really nice thing. And I feel like it's misrepresented across the globe. For the kind of country it is, because everybody supports, no matter what color, what gender, what sexuality, what class—none of that matters here. People genuinely want to know you for who you are. And that's how America should be represented across the world."

Watch Now:Zayn Rocks Summer’s Best Swerves

Maybe you should run for office, I say.

"Maybe. It'd be cool. I feel like it's a beautiful place. [Because of the current political climate,] people are expressing how they really feel about where they come from and their heritage and their backgrounds. They're all mixed. To be American, you are mixed.

"So that's how I feel about it—it's a beautiful place, and it's a beautiful time to be alive."

Another unlikely topic that will break Zayn out of his default conversational mode and get him talking in jolting, paragraphs-long monologues: the paparazzi. The paparazzi who have been trailing him for years and, recently, every time he sets foot near Gigi's NoHo apartment, feeding the endless tabloid speculation about the state of their relationship. The paps used to piss Zayn off, until he realized their utility.

"That's my promo," he says. "I come outside, they take photos." He gets to quietly remind people that he exists—and gets photographed looking like the second coming of Johnny Depp, leaving the apartment of one of the most gorgeous women in the world—without doing a thing. "They stay outside and do all the work!" he says. "You can get pissed off about it and be like, 'Yo, this is a hindrance on my life.' Or you can use it for your own benefit and be like, 'Well, if they're going to take the photos, then let them.' You've gotta earn your dollar, and I've gotta earn mine."

Which is to say that just because Zayn loathes the cornball industry churn doesn't mean he needs to surrender his relevance. Zayn represents an era in which underground cool and mass-market, Calabasian-style popularity have collapsed into one another. He operates on a plane where celebrity is predicated chiefly on relevance and intrigue, and Zayn—with his equally illustrious girlfriend, his brooding glare, and his following of millions—has about as much relevance and intrigue as anybody. He is both a casualty and a beneficiary of this uniquely modern form of celebrity. In running from his stardom, he's only fueling it.

I suppose now is the time to dispense with the rest of the intel I gleaned from Zayn about his relationship with Gigi Hadid, which was a less sensitive subject than I had anticipated. The two met at the end of 2015 at a party—which "pah-y," Zayn will not disclose, but suffice it to say it was a "cool pah-y"—and just days later, Zayn learned she'd broken up with Joe Jonas. He reached out to her and asked her to dinner at the Bowery Hotel. And thus was born a couple that will go down in history as one of the most iconic and Zeitgeisty pairings of all time, a couple whose images I will show my grandchildren to prove that the world was better in my day. All of the gossip about their relationship being an opportunistic setup by their respective management is bullshit, Zayn says: "If a relationship is for your career, you can fucking walk out the door. No way. See you later."

Despite the dramatic announcement of their split a couple of months ago, Zayn and Gigi are very much still close, as evidenced by myriad photos of him leaving her apartment or kissing her on the street. Zayn speaks about Gigi in a purely misty-eyed, worshipful tone that telegraphs he may be atoning for something. "I'm really thankful that I met her," he says. He uses the term "we" in the present tense quite a bit: "We go to the farm." "We have horses." The time he actually rode a horse with Gigi, he says, "I looked like a complete idiot and she looked like a complete professional.… We're still really good friends, and we're still in contact," he says. "No bad blood." He laughs. "…Taylor Swift.

"We're adults. We don't need to put a label on it, make it something for people's expectations." To hear Zayn tell it, Gigi is the hyper-organized, clear-headed, and positive counterweight to his disposition, which can dip into a vacant or negative state. She helped him reset his attitude when he was releasing his first solo album, partying too hard. "I had a very negative outlook on things. That might have been adolescence or testosterone or whatever the fuck was running through my body at the time," he says. "She's helped me to look at things from a positive angle."

As Zayn heads into his new album cycle, Gigi has been a font of support and organizational heft. He says she's especially good with dates, which I mishear as "good with debts."

She's good with debts? You're in debt?

"No, no. Dates. She doesn't handle my finances yet," he says. "We'll get to that eventually."

When Zayn Malik went solo, he dropped his last name. The mononymic "Zayn" took on a potency and directness that enabled him to break free from the chains of boy-band drudgery and lameness. Zayn: It's a single syllable that conjures a vaporous sexuality and a moodiness that blurs the line between contemplative and blank. You can imagine the black-and-white commercial for L'Eau de Zayn.

In the years since he dropped his last name, the word "Zayn" has also become, to insiders, an equally potent verb. To "Zayn" means to be within someone's reach one moment and then completely disappear the next without any explanation. Poof! To be "Zayned" is to witness a French exit so aggressive that it almost has a supernatural quality. I know this because it happened to me.

We emerged from the ship's galley, and as I prepared to launch into more conversation, he asked Carolina where he could find the toilets. She pointed him toward a porta-potty on dry land, and Taryn wordlessly followed behind him, obviously accustomed to this ritual. Before I could get my bearings, he was zipping off into the parking lot adjacent to the tanker, no doubt scurrying home to his fortress of solitude and cigarette smoke in SoHo. I'd been Zayned.

We were supposed to hang out the following week, and I patiently waited for him to reach out. But I knew that he never would. And much as I'd like to be the exception to the Laws of Zayn's Nature, I get it. Who among us has never fantasized about blowing off pesky professional obligations we deem useless? Zayn—driven by a spirit that is part self-destruction, part self-preservation, part youthful punk contrarianism—actually has the balls to live that fantasy. It's self-absorbed, immature, and unprofessional. I'd be offended if I didn't think it was so fucking cool.

Carrie Battan is a staff writer for 'The New Yorker' and a contributor to 'GQ'.

An abridged version of this story appeared in the July 2018 issue.

[violetsystems]

#personal

I watched most of the inauguration through Lady Gaga on Wednesday.  Regardless what you think about politics in America, we can all admit the moment changed decisively.  Or at least the side of us that don’t storm capitols with guns or anything.  My landlord stutters to find words for me other than “good” when I deliver the rent check early.  So by now, these kind of winds of change solidify something about me at least.  Regardless what you’ve heard about me people talk nonetheless.  Just like they talk shit about the president whoever it happens to be at the time.  America has always been extremely tribal.  You don’t have to watch Gangs of New York to figure that one out.  I live in a city with a well defined Sanctuary culture.  I’ve walked the walk and talked the talk the last four years.  Living under Trump with that kind of pressure and fear daily starts to turn neighborhoods into pressure cookers.  Everyone is on edge.  Nobody knows how to be nice.  Wednesday I decided to put my best foot forward in this new era and shovel the snow on the block.  It didn’t go unnoticed.  I definitely got some dirty looks which is something I’m used to by now trying to put some good in the world.  One of the gang members on the block came up to me later that day to thank me at least.  They don’t live here on this block but they also shovel the snow.  They’re named after a chess piece.  I’ve already told the story about footwork dj’s bragging they used to come over here and beat the crap out of them.  The savagery I’ve seen and heard about over the years doesn’t shock me.  Rich people have been pitting poor people against each other out here for years.  Some might call it the “Daley Way.”  Others might look to scandals surrounding machine politicians who’ve held offices for years on end.  Trump couldn’t get enough of calling us a corrupt city.  But generally he got away with a lot of dirty tricks on the ground here without much consequence.  Anyone with half a brain and street sense these days doesn’t trust much authority at all.  And yet I voted in this election pretty clearly for the current candidate.  So I do pay attention to the presidency a little more intently these days.  While watching some executive orders get signed the subject came up about the damage of what happened to people like myself.  It was a word I hadn’t heard.  The word was dignity.  Through the last six months, I seemingly lost it all.  My job, my entire friend network, the last twenty years of professional connections.  It vaporized as if it was never there in the first place.   Dignity is the right of a person to be valued and respected for their own sake, and to be treated ethically.  When I think about dignity it makes me cry.  Because it’s the thing I never had.  Most of us do not have it in this current climate even though we kid ourselves we do.  We don’t even bother to treat each other with dignity because we’re so busy looking out for ourselves.  Communities lose trust.  People become isolated and edgy.  Hope dies with the days that don’t change.  It is just me out here.  Or is it just us?  In that six month void of watching ancient history peel away and forget you even existed, I thought a lot.  I struggled and became something more resilient.  And I saw the same old problems staring back at me from a different vantage point I call home.  I kept my dignity intact paying the bills and keeping my mouth shut.  And yet things have not gotten much better other than my finances and my muscle tone.  I’m humble about everything by default because I’m still deeply hurt it was all taken away.  The dignity for others is pretty much linked to self respect.  Some people don’t know how to treat themselves better.  Some people don’t know how to be good because we reward absolute vapidity, selfishness and greed.

I will always strive to be good.  I’ve written here on my “vent blog” week after week to report that.  Only to have it joked about, ignored, copied, and dismissed by some people.  You can’t stop good connecting to the source.  If you stay focused and in the proverbial light you will some day make it through.  My birthday is next month.  A third birthday in a row where nobody other than my parents and the internet reach out.  One year I flew to New York during fashion week and spent the entire trip alone.  Of all the fourteen trips to Korea, none of them were with anyone but myself.  I’ve only had myself to rely on through all of this at times.  And yet through the process of trying to be better I’ve met better people.  Maybe through all this I’ve learned how to be a better person for people as well.  But for the most part I’m still just as invisible as I was.  Neglected and disrespected for years by people I trusted.  And whatever happened was a sort of forced letting go.  I was a black hole on a balance sheet during a pandemic.  My pension was a liability.  Friends that I still talk to now feel comfortable acknowledging that I was done dirty.  But that’s it.  No resolution.  No opportunities.  A period of intense exile.  Like I was being taught a lesson.  And the opposite happened.  As dumbfounding as it is to go through the entire process, I’ve found hope in bettering myself in small ways.  I didn’t close off or shut down.  I managed intense feelings of sadness and anger by pacing myself.  I wrote about what I felt week after week.  I made small corrections.  I added up my spending.  I tried to live my life without friends or company other than my cat.  A neighborhood exists around me that is persistent with characters of all backgrounds.  My mother is getting vaccinated next week.  Others will follow shortly after.  Chicago for the most part has adjusted to the hardships of the new normal.  We just keep pushing on like the song.  And yet people become callous, elite, and separate.  Two sides of a city.  The rich and the people who live and walk the streets here.  If you’ve held it down this long most people appreciate when you are still around.  And yet people around here are still deeply motivated by fear and scarcity.  America is the same way.  It judges people’s worth not on their singular talents but by comparison and control.  It’s nervous when you have the confidence to go it alone and embarrassed to admit it did so out of neglect.  America is worse.  Much like the army, it tries to break down your uniqueness for the benefit of the whole.  Herd you into groups that can be managed instead of celebrating the individual will.  The mediocrity that is celebrated is the celling in which you threaten to crash.  Everybody would rather sabotage your plans than see you succeed without them taking a cut.  Everybody would rather have a judgement to hang over your head when you creep past them in a race fair and square.  And when things start to get less dirty and the air clears, the history remains.  People still lie.  People still try to tarnish everything you have done out of a deep hatred.  A hatred that they couldn’t rub you out.  That you remind them how worthless they really are.  Being good gets you targeted time and time again by jealousy and lawlessness.  And I don’t want to be anything but good.

Lies and truth have their own infrastructure.  Blockchain as a technology is based on trust.  We keep secrets possibly because no one knows what we risk at the end of the day.  We tell lies instead of saying nothing at all because we feel pressured to be transparent.  Everyone wants to know every little thing for both good and bad reasons.  Being able to stand up to the lies and speak the truth can be subjective in a post truth era.  After all the things I’ve lost, I have no real time for games that are set up against me.  I play enough Hearthstone for that.  But communities are often to blame for proliferation of disinformation.  Sometimes people get manipulated.  Sometimes entire histories on a person get buried accidentally.  Sometimes people tell other people behind your back never to talk to you.  I’ve lived this.  I have never felt so isolated in my life.  As if the real intention was to break down my dignity to manipulate me further.  And largely that is what happened whether you want to process that or not.  I’m reminded when I deal with how fucked up my health insurance is that nobody really gives a shit.  But there’s a reason it persists.  And there’s no consequence to the lies that people uphold in the face of a fairly inconvenient truth.  We make a choice to support or ignore.  We make a choice to acknowledge the dignity of somebody being alive and in pain.  And I’ve seen people just walk away.  I’ve also seen people in my life grow closer in a way I cannot explain.  When I feel that feeling.  When I feel that love, I try to put more love back into the world.  I try to create a little bubble around me that protects all the good in my life I still have.  To make a place for us to all live with dignity regardless of what we believe, who we fuck or what kpop band we ship on the internet.  I literally fucking tried every day and then some.  And I literally have faced the worst kind of loneliness you could ever face.  Uselessness.  That whatever I do doesn’t matter much compared to what I used to be.  I used to be a slave.  A revenue generator for an investment scam maybe.  A body to manipulate for information.  A person to spy on all over the world without my consent.  I’ve lived all these situations in such damaging ways for years with no recourse and nobody to listen other than here.  Week after week on my vent blog people joke about behind my back.  No one really knowing that this is about the truest I could ever be with anyone.  And knowing after all the hell I’ve been through, that it matters.  What I say and what I write.  Because it’s the truth.  I am a good person.  I do try to be in the face of the worst kind of attack on my freedom.  They tried to take away my dignity.  They can lie about it all they want.  It doesn’t mean they’ll get anywhere further with me.  It’s already behind me.  That’s how you keep your dignity here in America.  By proving them wrong. <3 Tim

[gracrps]

favorite rp experiences, favorite ships, favorite users, good parts of your day, favorite memories.

FAVORITE RP EXPERIENCES

Another great experience I’ve had was a gossip girl, vampire diaries roleplay called Within Temptation! It was the first roleplay where I really learned how to expand on my writing and understand my character, thanks to a few tips from my fellow members. I had always been used to one-liners or a few paragraphs, so when I asked one of the members how she went about writing so much, she told me she just expanded on how her character felt, what he went through to get to this point, and how it aids their situation. I mean, obviously, the answer should be pretty blatant, but it was one of those moments where someone had to say it for me to really acknowledge it. This roleplay also helped me grow my affinity for Stefan Salvatore, who I played, and learned about so deeply. I really appreciate him as a character now, thanks to WT. 

positive rpc ask meme!

FAVORITE SHIPS !!!!!! I have so many !!!!!! But, okay… I will attempt to list them all from my poor excuse of a memory, and/or narrow it down to my real real real favs that I can’t live without :-) but, of course, the list will grow as roleplaying lives on~

Richard & Eleanor ( Evan Peters and AnnaSophia Robb — They were this, poor boy / rich girl ship that happened out of nowhere between myself and @vcorhees  way back in the day. They really feel like a couple to me, and I guess I love them because a lot of my ‘ships’ take a long time to get to that point where they’re finally a couple, but it just happened so effortlessly for them. They really couldn’t be any more different, yet mesh so well together… they were my core reasons for loving both Evan & AnnaSophia ) — Stephen & Wendy ( Max Irons and Jessica Alba — Okay, I know I know. They’re really new and really fresh and hardly a ship. I might be getting ahead of myself, but I feel like these two are such a classic “opposites attract” or “friendship turned into something more” that it really gets me excited to see where their thread goes. I really like these two, the chem is off the charts !!! )  

Alice & Patrick ( Olivia Cooke and Logan Lerman — So these two really helped me as a writer. At the time, Patrick was in and out of relationships with various girls and honestly, it was mostly because I was bored when ships finally became couples. I admit it was a huge flaw I had as a roleplayer until Alice came along, shout out to @nierps  for sliding into my life like that. She challenged Patrick in such a real way that helped me admit to myself that your character will be the bad guy, if not sometimes, all the time. I’m so thankful that they happened because now, it helps me shape my characters in such a real way that I wouldn’t have before. ) 

Indiana & Silas ( Nina Dobrev and Hunter Parrish — Okay, so talk about the slowest of all the burns. I think slow burns are great but are so hard to stay committed to in a roleplay filled with options thrown at your feet. However, when you feel that connection, that you know you’d love to see play out on some sort of screen, that you’d be rooting for sitting in your seat… that’s when it’s easy to stay committed. Contrary to my last ship, Indiana and Silas taught me how to stay committed, and that it’s safe to put your ship through real-life tragedies and struggles, without fearing abandonment as a roleplayer. I want to thank @veronicalodgv for always meeting me with the same amount of enthusiasm that I wouldn’t have if she hadn’t too. ) 

Sara & Ace ( Phoebe Tonkin and Bill Skarsgard — They are your typical, push and pull, hate to love you type of couple. At first, I assumed my thread with @electricinndigo would turn into some sort of hate sex kind of thing, which I wasn’t totally comfortable with because my smut is shit, honestly, lmfao. But I have to say, Ace and Sara are really turning into a ship that is so promising, that I’d really love to see what else they go through. I think this ship is also really important to me because I find it quite difficult to challenge a ship when it’s in an indie instead of a roleplay community. You’re not being thrown other ‘options’ or having other characters chime in on your character or ship. Frankly, I haven’t been in indie for that long, but I was quick to judge the easiness of shipping when you have no one else to challenge you. That’s why Sara and Ace are special to me, because they challenge each other, and it’s opening more doors for the other ships I have. So, Kellie!! Thank you for that. )

Blake & Cindy ( Matthew Daddario and Lee Jieun — So @requicms​ and I have been writing these two for a long time now, haha, but no complaints are coming from me whatsoever. My adoration for Matthew is definitely satsified when it comes to these two, as well as my thirst for a POC ship!!! Lbr, I feel like they’re soooo cute. Anyway, Cindy is such a hard character for me to be flexible with, so the fact that I’m shipping her with Blake is such a huge thing for me as a writer. It helps me go through the steps of opening a character up to something intimiate and real, and with these two, it’s just so pure and innocent. It’s not like any other ship I’ve had, so I really love these two for helping me try out something new, with a character as closed off as Cindy. ) 

These are a few honorable mentions that I really want to give a shout out to. I know some of these are brand new, but it’s just me feeling out the potential with what few threads we have going on~ [ Jude & Hannah ( Jamie Campbell Bower & Haley Bennett ) @eightysixed​ / Adele & Ben ( Holland Roden & Lucas Till ) @snikklefritsrps​ / Adam & Jana ( Paul Wesley & Kristin Kreuk ) / Cameron & Silas ( Kat McNamara & Hunter Parrish ) @wisteria1x1 / River & Mallory ( Nick Robinson & AnnaSophia Robb ) / Harrison & Prue ( KJ Apa and Stefanie Scott ) @holywitchkid ]

FAVORITE USERS 

Okay, so assuming this means my mutuals…. @electricinndigo​, I want to go on and on about how much I love her but I feel like that’s really repetitive because I’ve done it more than twice, haha. She’s just amazing. I love her writing style, her gifs, her muses… the list goes on. @requicms​, there’s something amazing about having as much characters as her and being as invested to each and every one of them that blows my mind. I mean, I might be getting ahead of myself, but our plethora of threads really challenges me to not be lazy and put the same amount of effort in order to not just ‘reply bc I have to’. Thank you for challenging me, Lisa! @nierps​, LORD don’t even get me started, lmfao. Nie is the god of all writers, I aspire to be as amazing as her ( hence I probably should’ve finished /proper/ college ). I can’t even go on, I feel like I’ll just be babbling with how great and cool she is. @veronicalodgv​, okay I know she doesn’t indie enough, but tee has become such a close friend of mine since we’ve met all those years ago. she’s the best admin i’ve ever had the honor to be under, who can so effortlessly handle the stress that comes with it. i think the fact that she’s fair without having to bend over backwards to make people happy is really admirable, esp coming from someone like me, who feels like they have to do that when you’re in an admin position. i can’t wait to work with you the future, you’ll always have a special place in my heart @armyofskanksx​, so while I gotta admit that we don’t have a lot of the same favorite face claims (x your kindness is unreal. i really do appreciate your time and patience when it came to helping me learn how to gif, i can’t even explain my gratitude. thank you so much. 

GOOD PARTS OF YOUR DAY

While I don’t love going to work and dealing with the bullshit that is the nursing home, I feel pretty lucky to be there. Sitting all day isn’t great for my health, but being in the lobby when it’s 6pm and everyone went home is probably the second place I get the most inspiration for my writing. I also have a time limit, so I try and squeeze in all my writing before 7:30pm, which is when I have to leave because if my husband is home, I can’t focus on my writing. I also love going home (surprising, I know) and seeing my pup. I love the process of getting ready for bed, like taking off the makeup and tending to skin care, getting into your home clothes… while I sometimes rush towards the process, that’s my ‘me’ time, you know? I don’t have as much me time since I got married, lmfao.

FAVORITE MEMORIES

It’s bittersweet, but one of them would have to be all the times I used to just sit in one of my ex-best friends car. We used to be this trio that loved to drive around and just talk about how we felt and our dreams of being this band that made it big ( we were a church band, fyi lmao ) There was something magical about his car and him driving, with me in the passenger seat and @vcorhees in the back. We were best friends that just… fell so effortlessly into any kind of conversation. We’d pig out, smoke pot & *other, confide in one another and just enjoyed the simplicities of being in each other’s company. I mean, we were more than just friends, we were family. It was a hard slap in the face when that fell apart, but I believe God has a reason for everything and even if I don’t know the reason yet, I trust he’s gonna be alright, despite my reservations. 

[unbreakablejemmasimmons]

Dear Chocolate Box Writer

Thanks for signing up for Chocolate Box and writing for me! This is my third time doing this exchange, I believe, and it’s always so fun! I hope you enjoy it, too.

Below you’ll find the following:

About Me General Likes/Kinks General DNWs Fandom Specifics/Prompts

Mad Men - Peggy Olson/Stan Rizzo

Schitt’s Creek - Patrick Brewer/David Rose

The West Wing - Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Leo McGarry & Josh Lyman & Sam Seaborn & Toby Ziegler & CJ Cregg

How I Met Your Mother - Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Rebecca Bunch/Greg Serrano

Harry Potter - Remus Lupin/Sirius Black

I’ve tried to list some varied prompts for each fandom, but please don’t feel like you have to stick to what I’ve come up with. If the rest of my letter gives you another idea you’d like to write, I’d love to read it!

a little about me to start:

My AO3 name is SuburbanSun; you can also check out my Tumblr if you’d like, and my tags for each of my requested fandoms here:

Mad Men | Schitt’s Creek | The West Wing | How I Met Your Mother | Crazy Ex-Girlfriend | Harry Potter

general likes/kinks:

I’m a big trope fan in general– faves include rivals/enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, bed-sharing, trapped in an enclosed space, mutual pining, secret dating/sneaking around, slow burn, FWBs that turns into something more. Subversions of tropes are also great.

I have a great love for Secret Service/bodyguard/witness protection AUs and private eye AUs, and these days I’m (perhaps unhealthily) invested in US politics/news in my everyday life, so if you want to have any of my requested characters run for office, I’d never turn that down. Unless noted, I’m good with AUs for any of my requested fandoms. Epistolary fic, either as part of a story or as all of it, is always fun to me, if it’s up your alley. Smut is cool and fun and here are some kinks that I like to read: Teasing. Phone sex/sexting. Semi-public sex (not actually getting caught though). Workplace sex. Dirty talk. Oral sex. Playfulness/joking around during sex.

general dnws:

Superangst and sad endings. Gore/intense violence. Miscommunication that could super easily be avoided. Babyfic/kidfic/pregnancy. Self-harm/abuse. Noncon/dubcon. A/B/O, mpreg, incest, bestiality, hard kink. Poly/threesomes/orgies. Members of my ships being paired romantically with other people (unless it’s just briefly, on the way to an OTP-happy ending). First person POV.

fandom specifics/prompts:

Mad Men: Peggy Olson/Stan Rizzo

I love and miss this show so much. It was so smart and made me feel so many things, and Peggy Olson is one of my favorite characters in all of fiction.

Peggy and Stan is such a great ship, and one I was on board with from the very beginning. Omitting his boorish behavior early on, once they established a rapport, they were such equals, and he seemed to respect her so much, and vice versa. They got on each other’s nerves and knew how to push each other’s buttons, but that’s just because they connected so well and really got each other.

Prompts:

I absolutely adore the time period where they’re basically phone buddies. Maybe an AU where they get together earlier in the series, during that time? How their phone conversations evolve from discussing work to discussing everything to falling for each other (or realizing they already had)? Phone sex (or getting ever-so-close to it before realizing they’re in the office and it’s inappropriate) is a-okay here too.

In the same vein, epistolary fic could be really fun to play around with here. Maybe a story told through a series of interoffice memos, messages, notes in the margins of copy pitches and along the edges of spec art?

What are things like now that Peggy and Stan are working together and being together (and possibly living together)? It’s got to be frustrating at times but worth it in the end, right?

NASA/Space Race AU– Peggy’s a NASA scientist/engineer and Stan is an astronaut

---

Schitt’s Creek: Patrick Brewer/David Rose

This show is so funny, dry and smart and sweet at the same time. I love how absurdly out of touch the Roses are, and how the show balances their outrageousness with the everyday humdrum of the town of Schitt’s Creek, and I especially love how their edges have softened over their years in town.

David and Patrick took my heart by storm, and are the kind of ship that makes me clutch both hands over my chest as I watch them. I loved the slow burn of them coming together and falling in love, and how much they really just LIKE each other. They really know each other and see each other and it’s so lovely.

**I’ll be caught up with the show week to week, so feel free to incorporate anything current!

Prompts:

David and Patrick move into their first place together, and David keep breaking things because he likes to watch Patrick play handyman

I love the more sensible characters on the show teaching David how to adult. What perfectly normal things has he never experienced or done before that Patrick has to walk him through?

I’m interested in Patrick’s journey from being so shy and new to everything when he and David first kissed, to being bold enough to sing a love song to David in front of half the town. Tell me more about how he got to that point, and how (whether he knew it or not) David helped him get there.

---

The West Wing: Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Leo McGarry & Josh Lyman & Sam Seaborn & Toby Ziegler & CJ Cregg

I love this show and every character on it. It’s become a comfort show, especially in this political climate, and I rewatch episodes frequently (and along with The West Wing Weekly podcast!). if we matched on the Leo & Josh & Sam & Toby & CJ grouping, feel free to choose any combo of those characters-- if you can’t fit them all in that’s perfectly fine. (Also, I’m not very interested in a non-political/White House AU for this fandom.) Prompts:

For Josh/Donna: I’d love something set early on where there’s the same level of UST and flirtation that they had back then. Josh getting jealous of someone who’s interested in Donna, or vice versa. Or maybe something that shows Donna’s competence– how she’s the one who keeps the clocks running on time in the office. Or trading barbs that lead to something more when they’re on opposing campaigns later on. Or-- there’s an episode where an asteroid is potentially heading for earth. What if (in that episode, or just applying that idea to another timeline) an asteroid/world-ending scare is what forces Josh or Donna to tell the other how they feel?

For Leo & Josh & Sam & Toby & CJ: Scenes from the first Bartlet for America campaign trail, or anything involving political competence or our heroes getting one over on the other side is great I LOVE the flashbacks in In The Shadow of Two Gunmen when we see how they all came together-- more like that would be amazing.

---

How I Met Your Mother: Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson

This show is one I don’t revisit often these days, but when I do it’s always a Barney/Robin focused episode. I loved their relationship so much, how they fit together despite being so independent and yeah, maybe a little damaged. How they support and respect each other in ways that nobody else they were ever with did. I wanted SO BADLY for them to end up together (and in my mind, they do, because I refuse to acknowledge that finale as a thing that exists).

Prompts:

Any way you can make the show end with Robin and Barney together is GREAT.

I love the episode relatively early on where Barney is sick and Robin is reluctantly tasked with feeding him soup, etc. What if their feelings for each other had started to develop then?

Fake dating-- Barney needs Robin to be his plus one at a GNB event, or Robin needs Barney to pretend to be her boyfriend at a family wedding, or something equally tropey and delightful

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Rebecca Bunch/Greg Serrano

I ship Rebecca and Greg so hard, in spite of their many flaws, and was bummed that Greg was gone, and am now tentatively excited to have him back, (even if he does look a bit different). I just love their chemistry– bickery battle-of-wits style relationships are a huge favorite of mine. I’d be happy with a story set while Greg still lived in West Covina, or a future fic, or just a total AU. I also love every other character so feel free to get others involved.

**I’ll be caught up with the show week to week, so feel free to incorporate anything current!

Prompts:

Rebecca/Greg + any number of tropes– stuck somewhere together; inconvenient bed-sharing; fake dating, the works.

New Greg and new Rebecca decide they’re best off as just friends-- but it doesn’t quite work that way, and they keep being drawn together. Accidental makeouts can’t be helped, can they?

AU where Rebecca is a defense attorney and Greg is her wrongfully accused client. It’s totally unprofessional for her to be attracted to a client, and truthfully he’s kind of sarcastic and annoying. But she just can’t resist. 

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Harry Potter: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black

Harry Potter is kind of always there in the background as something I love, and as far as ships go, Remus/Sirius is my faaaave. I love the complexity of their relationship in the text, and the subtext (THE SUBTEXT). I love thinking about the Marauder era and how deeply all four of them loved each other, and thinking about Remus and Sirius discovering feelings that went even beyond that. I love the (brief) time between Hogwarts and when everything went to hell, when they were potentially happy and in love. I’m much more interested in something within the HP universe for them than a total AU.

Prompts:

Hogwarts-era pining! One of them has realized their feelings but thinks the other isn’t interested, and that kind of adolescent angst is so bittersweet.

Post-Hogwarts domesticity! Moving into a ramshackle apartment together, hanging moving photos of the Marauders on the walls, cuddling under three blankets because the heat is on the fritz but it’s their place so they love it anyway.

So, that’s that! I really hope you enjoy the whole process this Chocolate Box season, and thanks for participating! Happy writing!

[incursionofthedamnedrpg]

Meredith Fell Accepted! You know what to do, Ruby ;)

Name: ruby

Age: twenty

Timezone: gmt

State an account where we can message you: here

How active you’re going to be: around 8 for now but new job coming soon.

How did you find out about this roleplay? it’s currently taking over my life.

Why do you want to play this character? i read the vampire diaries books and i liked meredith there. then i ended up liking her show counterpart too. i think i just find the idea of a doctor in this supernatural world pretty interesting. i like the fact that she’s well-established, but still gives enough freedom to mold her just like an original character.

Anything else you would like to tell us? (Changes, suggestions…etc) shoot me a message if you’d like me to change the fc for whatever reason!

IC:

Preferred Ships: meredith/chemistry, meredith/alaric tbh.

Sample para:

RFP

Name: Meredith Fell Birthday: July 5 (30) Species: Human Lookalike: Torrey DeVito Availability: Taken

Personality

Meredith is by no means a genius. Most of the academic and professional successes in her life were due to her hardworking and persevering nature, perhaps even thanks to her slightly obsessive and beyond perfectionist tendencies. She is a calm and collected person, able to take charge and be cold-blooded in the face of critical situations. Outside of her professional environments, Meredith is a social butterfly, enjoying the company of others. Her compassion and empathetic nature have also made her quite popular with her peers. However, there are many times when she can be obtuse and high-stuck on her goals, being perfectly capable of stepping on dead bodies to accomplish something.

Past

Meredith became her parents’ greatest pride from the moment she was born. Allison and Patrick Fell were both about as proper as it could get, the perfect examples of the white picket fence suburban life, paired with the added pressure of a founding family and the curious eyes constantly on them. She was groomed for upholding this image from an early age, but she can’t say she has ever complained. Her parents loved and encouraged her, constantly telling her that she can easily access the bright future waiting ahead of her. Meredith always complied, not seeing any reason why she would want to go against her parents’ well-intended wishes. As a result, she became a straight A student from a frail age, though it was always because she worked incredibly hard, sacrificing her leisure time and social life in the process.

When she was nine years old, a new member came into the life of the Fell family. Due to the age gap, Meredith was never truly able to establish a particularly strong connection with her sister, Charlie. By the time the girl was old enough to understand certain things and hold conversations, Meredith was constantly busy with her relentless attempts at getting into the best high school spots. Despite that, Meredith has always cared for Charlie and often found herself wishing she would’ve had more time to spend with her and get to know her beyond a surface level.

Meredith decided at an early age that she wanted to be a doctor, a wish that fortunately aligned with her parents’ vision for her future. She left Mystic Falls for a few years to pursue her medical training at a prestigious university. There, she had a few on and off relationships that all failed miserably due to Meredith’s near obsessive relationship with her studies. Even though this didn’t necessarily bother her, she did realize that she missed her family and would rather not spend the rest of her life coming back to an empty home.

Eventually, Meredith became a resident medic at Mystic Falls’ hospital, returning home to a difficult time in Charlie’s life. It was at that time when she truly started to feel the disconnection between her sister and herself and she was made aware of the toxic balance of personal life and work life. Gradually, she started to go easier on herself, spending more time trying to get to know and help her sister and building a social life for herself.

Around the time she was in her mid twenties, Meredith started dating a local young man named Andrew Belley, who got attacked by a vampire in the town’s woods. Despite her best attempts, he died, which left Meredith deeply heartbroken and left her to turn toward alcohol as a coping mechanism. Luckily, she was caught by a coworker friend, who kept her from falling down a dangerous spiral before it even started. Despite that, Meredith has made some sort of tradition out of drinking under her desk every time a patient she’s particularly invested in dies.

After losing Andrew, Meredith could not understand what she did wrong. She researched relentlessly and this is what led her to discovering the existence of the supernatural world. Her cynical nature made her very skeptical, but the more she started to pay attention to the cases venturing through the hospital, the more strange it became. Eventually, Meredith learned about the healing properties of vampire blood, which resulted in her getting involved in a secret trade with local vampires that would exchange their blood for human bloodbags at the hospital.

Under these circumstances, she met Alaric Saltzman and the two of them dated briefly while Meredith was hurled into the supernatural chaos of Mystic Falls. She tried to save Elena’s life after the dive off Wickery Bridge by giving her vampire blood, thus facilitating her transformation. After Alaric died, Meredith felt like she was done with Mystic Falls, so she returned to the city of her college years. There, she became a successful surgeon who continued her supernatural healing methods with the vampire population there. She got into another relationship with a man named David Lindsday and even got engaged. It all fell apart when Meredith was approached at the hospital by some vampires who wanted blood directly from human patients and she refused, which ended up in David getting killed as leverage.

Present

Frightened and alone, Meredith chose to return, once again, to Mystic Falls. David’s loss shook her up, but it especially made her realize the dangers of her trades. She is back in her hometown, uncertain of whether she should continue with her methods. On one hand, she does not want anyone else to become collateral damage in this dangerous lifestyle. On another hand, she may secretly hope that Mystic Falls is truly an oddball, enough to make it the only place where she can continue saving lives through the blood trade healing method.

Connections

Charlotte Fell

Even though Meredith and her half-sister haven’t been that close in their childhood, they have grown closer over the years and, now, Meredith prioritizes truly being there for her.

Alaric Saltzman

Last Meredith knew of Alaric, he was dead.

Elena Gilbert and Jeremy Gilbert

Meredith got close to Elena and Jeremy as a result of her relationship with Alaric.