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her-devils-advocate · 1 month ago

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Sing me to sleep, I don't want to wake up on my own anymore

pairings: Femshep x Garrus

genre: fluff, comfort

summary: Raven Shepard is struggling to sleep with the nightmares plaguing her mind. Too nervous to head to Garrus for comfort after their discussion about reach and flexibility, she goes to spend time with Joker. Unaware that he is more than willing to play the wingman for them while they tiptoe around their feelings for one another.

Set during ME2

word count: 4,507

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59922712

The quiet padding of bare feet on the cold metallic floor guides her as Shepard floats around the Normandy, feeling more like a ghost than a human. All things considered, she probably looks closer to one as well.

It is late into the ship's night cycle, granting her peace as she stalks the near-empty mess hall, most of the crew have since retired for the night. Those who remain simply greet her with a respectful salute, being far too tired for small talk themselves. She prefers it at this hour, as it carries less risk of being questioned over why she's not taking the chance to sleep. She doesn’t want to have to come up with a plausible lie right now, nor does she want to open that can of worms in front of some poor crew member.

Shepard softly pads over to the coffee machine, feeling her oversized Alliance T-shirt rising along her thighs to reveal her shorts as she lifts herself to grab a mug. The t-shirt had been gratefully borrowed from Joker to avoid being branded by Cerberus during the hours she should be using to relax. Not that she puts those hours to much use, instead filling the gap between filing reports with copious amounts of coffee.

Just as she gets ready to prepare a new cup, the hot water steaming from the kettle, a smooth voice cuts through the silence and causes her to jolt in surprise.

"Dr Chakwas has recently asked me to alert her if you consume any caffeine during the hours you should be asleep, Commander." EDI’s metallic voice is gentle, yet Shepard can pick up on the subtle threat and she tries to conceal the shudder that rips through her. She doesn’t want to concern Karin, not with the already lengthy list of topics the other woman has been trying to broach with her as it is.

With a deep sigh, Shepard abandons the empty mug with a small wave of her hand, dismissing the AI's concerns as she continues to idly wander around the ship, already looking for more reasons to stay awake. It's not like she wants to forgo sleep every night, especially not when she has a somewhat new team to take care of, but she can't shake the cold feeling of nothingness that creeps up on her whenever she dares to close her eyes. Dying had left its mark on her. She can still feel its icy fingers gripping around her throat and on a particularly bad night, she can see the torn remains of her original ship when her eyes are closed.

Tonight had been one of those bad nights. She hadn’t been alone in her dreams however, this time her mind decided to make the event even worse than it already was. Instead, the nightmare featured Garrus alongside her. The two of them drifted silently towards Alchera while their oxygen supply quickly depleted. Even within the safety of the waking world, Shepard can still hear the muffled gasps that escaped him before she was left floating in silence, soon to follow. For the first time in her life, she is thankful that Garrus wasn’t by her side on that day. She’s not sure she could cope coming back to life, only to find out that he hadn’t been extended the same privilege.

For a brief moment, her eyes flicker over to the doors of the main battery, but she quickly shakes the thought from her mind. It would be selfish of her to risk waking Garrus just because she's uncomfortable in her own skin after the sixth nightmare of the week. She had already confirmed his vital signs with EDI upon awakening, letting the knowledge that he’s safe bring a small comfort to her pounding heart. Besides, the last thing she wants to do is to cause worry and potentially ruin the delicate start of whatever it is that's growing between them.

The flirting between the pair has since grown in frequency, moving from friendly banter into something more heated, and more meaningful. But she doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable, especially not with the weight of her position. She lets out a small huff of laughter, letting her head fall back against the ship's cool interior. If anyone could see past her calm and collected mask, it would be Garrus.

Shoving the desire for his comfort deep into the back of her heart, she lets her body carry her through the ship, occasionally swaying from the exhaustion.

She eventually finds herself in the cockpit, the warm orange interfaces glowing within the dim space. Joker turns to greet her and whatever jest he has prepared on the tip of his tongue dies instantly when he glances her way. He watches with badly concealed concern as she drags herself to the co-pilot seat and all but throws herself into it, bringing her knees up against her chest while she curls into herself with a small groan.

“EDI, this conversation is classified and unrelated to Cerberus. So shoo for a moment and stop listening, or just pretend that you aren’t here and delete any logs that are being made, I don’t know. Just… shoo.” Joker’s tone is light, yet his voice is tinted with worry.

“Very well, Mr Moreau,” EDI announces before her blue hologram dies down, leaving the duo in silence.

“You know, I would make a joke about not realising how easy it would be to get some peace up here, but I feel like that trick was a one-time use.” He adds flippantly. Shepard gives him a small chuckle in response and shifts to rest her cheek against her knees, now facing him and for the first time since their reunion, he properly takes her in with a slight frown.

“You didn’t need to send her away,” Shepard says slowly, feeling a small amount of pity for the AI.

He doesn’t bother to reply, instead, he continues his inspection. She can feel his eyes on her and she doesn’t want to imagine how much of a mess she must look like. She’s visibly exhausted, that much she knows is obvious, she’s also aware that her usually expressive eyes have since lost their gleam, leaving her much less lively. Raven knows what's coming, so before he can release an onslaught of bad jokes to distract her from her worries, she stops him in his tracks.

“It wasn’t your fault, Jeff. I know you’ve been carrying that blame for years now, I also know better than anyone that words alone won’t change a damn thing. But it was my choice and I don’t regret it.” Her voice is low and gentle as she completely drops the commander mask within the comfort of the cockpit. Joker clenches his fists, his nails digging into the flesh of his palm while he tries to argue, but no words dare to come out. The silence hangs between them for a moment before she continues, “Besides, how can you blame yourself for a death when the dead person is sitting here right now, alright and alive?”

She flashes him an awkward smile and she can tell he knows the angle she’s playing, using his own form of humour to diffuse the situation. A ticket out in case he’s not willing to let himself become vulnerable while he’s still expected to fly the ship.

“Yeah, yeah, thanks, Shep. Did you come all this way to give me a midnight pep talk or are you serious about taking up that co-pilot seat? Cause no offence, I trust EDI more than you with that task.”

“Ouch. That hurts, Joker,” She says lightly, throwing her legs over the arm of the chair as she gets comfortable, ignoring the way he carefully tries to swat them off, “It’s my ship, so this is technically my chair as well. I can sit here if I want to. You didn’t complain when I came to hang out with you on the SR-1.”

“Yeah well, back then you would sneak me a coffee. You didn’t bring the peace offering this time.” He rolls his eyes at the bright laugh he lures out of her.

“I was about to make some coffee, but EDI would have snitched on me to Chakwas.” Joker doesn’t need to look at her to know that she’s pouting, shooting a playful glare to the AI who shouldn’t be listening.

“Probably because she knew you would have made two cups for yourself and then one for me. Speaking of… As much as I enjoy you gracing me with your presence, shouldn’t you be sleeping?” He doesn’t miss the way she freezes up, suddenly finding the distant stars more interesting than their current conversation, “Shep- Raven, when was the last time you slept?”

Her scoff cuts through the dull hum of the engines as she grows more frustrated by the question. Frantically, she runs her hand through the silky black hair that has since been released from its usual braid. She takes a moment to control her breathing and smothers the spark of annoyance before she tries to speak.

“I can’t.”

He shrugs in response as he turns back to focus on flying the Normandy back to the Citadel to re-stock. She relaxes further into the chair, making the most of the soft leather while watching the stars twinkle around her. They are different here compared to the view from her cabin, they don’t seem to mock her down here. Her quiet musings are interrupted by Joker dramatically clearing his throat, she raises an eyebrow, urging him to get on with it.

“Well, I was just thinking,” he starts before being instantly interrupted.

“Oh no.” She deadpans.

“First of all, rude. Second of all, why did you come to me of all people?”

“What do you mean? I’ve known you since before the original Normandy, you’re like my brother by now, Joker.” She stares at him incredulously before being overtaken by a small yawn.

“That’s oddly sweet of you, sis, but I already knew that and it’s also not what I meant,” a small smirk appears on his face as he continues to stare straight ahead, “I’m just surprised you didn’t go to Garrus, that’s all. Considering you seem to take him everywhere, talk to him about everything, and funnily enough, you speak about him all the time.”

“Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration,” she mutters and bites the inside of her lip in thought. He wasn’t entirely wrong, but she wasn’t about to let him know that. Not that she needed to in the slightest. “I didn’t want to interrupt him, that’s all.”

“Ah, so you came to pester the one flying us through space at an unholy hour. Thank you, Commander!” Joker states cheerfully, ignoring the glare he can feel emanating from his right. He glances over at her again before they can settle into an easy silence, “Am I ever going to get that t-shirt back, by the way?”

“Nope.” She punctuates her point by tilting her head, her cheek now resting against the back of the soft chair as she stares at the flicking displays around her. The fluorescent interface captivates her and she finds her eyelids beginning to grow heavy.

As a comforting peace descends over the pair, she can’t help herself from thinking about Garrus once more. They had flirted a lot, a new and dangerous game of chicken where they were both more than happy to lose. Sure, she has a lot to say about the man to any who would listen, but his skills with his rifle are impeccable. No one could blame her for boasting about her squad, not when it has saved her life more than once. If she boasted about one over the other… well, maybe there was more truth to Joker’s words than she realised. She just hopes no one else has caught on enough to inspect too closely. The last thing she needs is a potential audience to witness her fumbling through her words and emotions. Doing it in front of him is daunting enough already.

Shepard’s bones feel heavy as the nauseating wave of built-up exhaustion washes over her, demanding her eyes to flutter shut despite her battles against it.

“I think I really like him, Joker…More than…” She confesses before succumbing to sleep, leaving the pilot in stunned silence.

Joker stares at her momentarily before giving a small eye-roll, spinning his chair to the side to watch over her.

“Yeah, kinda knew that already, Ravs…Glad you’re finally catching up. Hey EDI, can you get Garrus up here?” He waits for a moment, expecting the blue glow of her display to flicker to life, only to be met with nothing. “Seriously, EDI? You can stop pretending to not listen now and go tell Garrus to get his spiky butt up here.” “Understood, you should have started with that.” If she possessed a mouth, Joker would be certain she was smirking.

The steady hum of machinery floats around the main battery, grounding Garrus as he stands before the Thanix Canon, doing his best to ignore the aching of his limbs. He taps away at its amber screen, improving its firing algorithms and squeezing out the extra 0.23% he has been working towards all evening. He quickly flicks his eyes towards the time displayed on his visor, the vision becoming blurry as he confirms his suspicions with only a small amount of regret: he’s been working late into his off-duty hours again.

“If Shepard were to find out, she’d have a small speech about how I should look after myself more already prepared…” He mutters to himself, his mandibles fluttering out into a small grin.

Despite the weariness that has sunken deep into his bones after days of sacrificing sleep for survival, he’s still unable to keep himself still for more than a few minutes, not when there’s a new ship with even newer weaponry to inspect. Even though it’s been a handful of weeks, a part of him still can’t believe he’s stood within the Normandy yet again. Not after Joker had broken the news to him two horrible years ago and certainly not after attending the funeral of his best friend. Yet she was back, and so were all the complicated feelings he wanted to run from, ones that she always drew out of him the second she hovered into his line of sight.

Feelings that no good turian would act on.

With a deep stretch, he takes solace in the shining walls of the ship, providing an old comfort as a sharp sting travels throughout his injured mandible. He tries to conceal his flinch, not wanting to agitate the healing wound more than he already has done, Spirits knows he doesn’t need that lecture from Dr Chakwas again. Before he has the chance to continue with his work, his six fingers hovering above the console and ready to inch closer towards that 0.25%, a smooth voice cuts through the silence.

“Officer Vakarian, Mr Moreau requests your presence on the bridge.” Her tone leaves very little room for argument as the hologram pops up in his peripheral.

“Right, thanks EDI.” He replies plainly before making sure to save his progress, not wanting something to mess it up and waste his hours of mind-numbing work.

The journey to the cockpit is uneventful as the ship silently floats through space, a skeleton crew working diligently through the night to keep everything running, even with the AI onboard. The rhythmic echo of his shoes against the metallic floor is his only companion as he lets his mind wander. Its destination rarely changes away from Shepard.

The way her black hair, as dark as the void that surrounds them, swings behind her. Her hair always fascinates him whenever he sees her tie parts of it together, her fingers quickly weaving the strands together in a way that makes his head spin. Or how she bites the inside of her cheek, doing her best to hold back a smile whenever something amuses her when in “commander mode”. A part of him aches as he watches her lock more of herself away for the good of the many, leaning towards the icon they expect of her and further away from the human she is. Well, she does whenever they’re not together, he notes with a small amount of smugness.

His mind still comes to a screeching halt when he replays the moment she blatantly revealed her feelings for him as if it were easy, proposing a night together to push their friendship towards unknown territories. Except he knew her well enough by now to know she was just as nervous as he currently is. He could easily spot the nervous scrunch of her nose when she smiled up at him after the proposition. The same scrunch that appeared the day she became a Spectre, or the day he pitifully begged her to consider using the Mako’s breaks before they both got covered in krogan vomit. Her gentle words spoke of blowing off steam and yet her eyes screamed for more, for stability, and he couldn’t deny his own feelings that mirrored hers.

He always was a bad turian, he thinks with a small snort.

It’s not long before he is dragged out of his mind and greeted with the back of the pilot’s chair. He can’t remember the last time found himself in the cockpit. He never normally needed anywhere other than the crew deck, or the hangar unless they were docked. Before he can even announce his presence, the chair quickly spins to reveal Joker, a single finger against his lips while the other points towards the co-pilot's seat.

He cocks his head to the side in confusion before his cerulean eyes trail over to the corner, only to widen at the sight while his mandibles flick out in shocked amusement. Commander Raven Shepard is sprawled out within the wide chair, making the woman look oddly small in contrast. What’s even more shocking is the fact that she’s sleeping, deeply if her position is anything to go by. Her legs are thrown over the armrest in a way Garrus can’t imagine being very comfortable, while a single arm dangles off the side of the chair. Her chin is tucked tightly against her chest and her loose hair has fallen against her face, creating a small barrier to hide her sleeping expression from sight.

“Ah…”

“So you can see why I called you up here,” Joker adds, deepening Garrus’ confusion.

“To witness the fact that she can rest for more than twenty minutes at a time, without finding something else to do instead? Or did you need a witness to confirm that you’re not hallucinating and that she is asleep?”

“No, not that. Well… partially that, but that’s beside the point. Someone needs to take Ravs up to her room. Preferably before she wakes up with her muscle aching in five different places and I somehow get the blame for it.” Joker pauses for a moment, his eyes not once moving away from Garrus. “It’s not like I’m capable of helping her, even if she would let me. Which is why you are here, considering you’re the only one that she would let close enough in this state.”

Garrus opens his mouth to interject with a witty retort, but he struggles to find one. It’s not like he can lie to Joker. Well he could, but the man could also quite easily call him out on his bullshit. He never used to consider the Normandy’s pilot a friend, not back when they were nothing more than working together to hunt Saren down. Things slowly changed between them when they both lost her. One was wrecked with guilt, the knowledge that he had condemned his oldest friend. The other was wrecked with the loss of his only friend, torn from his side too soon.

He finds himself silenced as he stares down at her, completely unable to form a response and for a moment, he wonders if Joker can see the conflict. The deeply hidden fear that he will mess everything up and lose her once more.

“For what it’s worth… You have my seal of approval.” His voice is unnaturally soft and void of all humour. It’s not often that Joker shows his serious side, “You’re good for one another and work well together, you will make a scarily good couple.”

Garrus surprises himself with the relieved laugh that escapes him, only to be silenced by a low, harsh, shushing sound.

“I’m glad that you’re happy and all, but the last thing we need is a groggy biotic getting a rude awakening in my bridge. So if you can escort sleeping beauty back to her cabin before that happens, I would appreciate it.”

With a small roll of his eyes, he gingerly approaches the small corner of the bridge, lowering himself before her. From the new vantage point, he can easily see the cybernetic scars peeking through the shield of hair. They had already started to heal, finally letting the skin hide the harsh orange. A selfish part of him will miss them, even with the knowledge of her insecurity surrounding them. At least with them vanishing, it showed progress when it came to her letting herself relax, one less thing for him to worry about.

He slowly raises his hand and tucks the hair behind her ears. The black strands feel like silk within his fingers and flow like water when a stubborn lock escapes, hellbent on covering her. Garrus keeps his subvocals subdued, aware that Cerberus had given her an advantage in that department, despite the hum of contentment and adoration threatening to claw its way up his throat. Before Joker can open his mouth and ruin his mood, Garrus carefully places one arm under her legs while the other weaves around her back, easily pulling her into his arms. He slowly stands, turning to give the pilot a grateful nod before turning to make the trek back to her cabin.

Garrus takes his time as he enters the spacious cabin. Now that she is in his arms, he is reluctant to put her down. After lugging around a thirty-nine-kilogram sniper for hours on end, she weighs next to nothing in his arms without her usual armour. A small part of him wants to get used to the way her head rests against his cowl, the picture of comfort despite the way her cheek is pressed against his armour.

He glances around the room as he advances deeper into her space, noting the dozens of datapads overtaking her desk before he lowers her onto the large bed. The thick duvet has already been thrown to one side, a clear sign of her previous attempt to rest. After draping it over her, Garrus hesitates, unsure if he is overstepping before a sudden burst of courage guides his hand and tenderly tucks her under the multitude of spare blankets she has collected. He doesn’t miss the way multiple of them cover the leather sofa, nor the pillows that had been taken from her bed accompanying them.

With a satisfied flick of a mandible, he turns to leave before a pale hand quickly shoots out from under the fabric nest, strong yet slender fingers wrapping around his wrist. He slowly turns and is greeted by two grey eyes staring up at him.

“You’re supposed to be asleep,” Garrus accuses, unsure of what else to say. “I didn’t tiptoe up here in heavy armour for you to wake up now.”

She gives a tired chuckle, her eyes crinkling with mirth as she snuggles deeper under the covers. “I could pretend to be asleep if it makes you feel better?” “I would prefer it if you were actually sleeping,” His eyes slowly trail back over to the sofa, “preferably in your bed.”

Shepard gives a noncommittal shrug as she follows his gaze, the remnants of sleep slurring her words. “I don’t wake to see stars over there.”

His eyes shoot up to the window above her bed and a chill creeps across his body. His subvocals share his discomfort and anger on her behalf and for a moment, he forgets that she can now pick up on parts of it. He awkwardly clears his throat, hoping it could contain his emotions. He gives her a strained smile, noticing the way she has begun drawing small, comforting circles into the smooth underarmour covering his wrist with her thumb.

“Well, next time we’re at the Citadel, I’ll find you a nice banner to stick up there instead. What do you want the design to be? Blasto? The Mako flying off the side of a mountain upside down?” He can’t help the joy that flutters in his chest when her laugh reaches him, her hand coming up to cover her face. “Hm, I’ll find something, I’m sure. You should try to rest until then, Shepard.”

She lets out a deep sigh, sinking deeper into the bed before tugging on his wrist. “Would you stay?”

Garrus feels his mind blank, not for the first time in her presence.

“Not like that, I know we said we would wait for…that. It’s just…” She trails off, running a frustrated hand through her already messy hair as she looks for the right words to say. “I feel safe when I’m around you and even though I’ll probably still have a nightmare, it’s less daunting knowing you’re around.”

He watches as her face reddens with the confession, her fingers nervously twitching against his wrist as she waits for him. She averts her eyes, staring past him to watch the fish idly swim around their tank. He gently pries her fingers off him, the disappointment in her eyes sending a knife through his heart.

He takes a step back before unlatching his chestplate. “I need to remove this armour first, I doubt you want cold metal pressed against you all night?”

“I’m sure I’ve slept against worse things during my time in the Alliance,” she mumbles half-heartedly before growing serious again, “thank you, Garrus.”

Garrus gives her a calm smile before he removes the rest of the armour, carefully placing it on one side of the sofa. He then slides under the covers with her, pulling her close to him. Her back is pressed against his chest while his hands rest over her stomach, holding her tight. She shuffles slightly, finding a comfortable spot on her side and he lets out a small hiss as her bare, and cold, foot brushes against his leg. She mumbles out a small apology before she gets lectured on how turians and the cold don’t mix, earning her a small grunt of acknowledgement. With the sounds of his quiet breathing and the steady hum of the fish tank, she finds her eyes growing heavy once more.

#♥. writing #♥. Raven Shepard #Mass Effect #Mass Effect 2 #shakarian #shepard x garrus #femshep #commander shepard #garrus vakarian #garrus x femshep #garrus x shepard #garrus romance #jeff joker moreau

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margoteve · 4 months ago

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The Normandy Album 2

Parentage

Pairing: Shakarian

Rating: eh PG?

Summary: Joker tries to prank Garrus with tactical use of Grunt.

Enjoy! The chapter is also on AO3. Inspired by an art of @thatwildwolfart

"Hey, Grunt!"

"Yeah?" Grunt looked up from his meal and squinted at the approaching human. The pilot. Joker. It wasn't often the brittle human would leave his station in the cockpit. "What is it?" The young krogan noted the lack of EDI, the AI in her robotic body often served as asistance to the man.

Joker carefully sat down by the mess table. "You know how Shepard is kind of like your dad?"

Grunt frowned. "Shepard is my Battlemaster, not my father."

"Yeaah but like she takes you out like shooting and gifted you that new shotgun and didn't she bail you from C-Sec, again, last time we were on Citadel? That's kinda like prime dad behaviour," Joker argued his case.

"Where are you getting with this human?" Grunt tilted his head, smelling some sort of trick.

"Nowhere, really, just food for thought," Joker said. "It just makes you think how she you, and Garrus make for a very disfunctional family. So I was you know, trying to organize the dynamics."

"Heh," Grunt grinned. "Don't worry, you too are in my krant. Despite your squishiness."

"Right, thanks Grunt. Anywhoo!" Joker slowly stood up. "I should go, the Normandy won't fly itself."

"It is flying itself, though," Grunt noted but Joker waved his hand and limped away to the elevator.

Grunt returned to his meal but his mind was slowly churring the conversation. Then he paused, looked in the direction of Joker. "Heheheh."

"Team Reunion Friday" was the best idea that Kasumi and Tali came up with. The old squadmate crew of Shepard all together for a night of drinks and shenaningans in Shepard's apartment post-war. Everyone was in high spirits. Shepard was sitting at the top of the table, in her wheelchair raising a toast. "To Normandy!"

"Here, here!" Everyone responded.

Just as they were downing the drink Grunt turned to Commander. "Shepard."

"Grunt?"

"You have been the closest a tank bred could have to a father," he said with a grin.

"Aww, thank you Grunt."

"Does this make Vakarian my mother?"

The bomb was dropped, most guests started to choke on their drinks, some stared, Joker grinned like it was Christmas.

"Well..." Shepard looked at Garrus.

"Now, hold on Shepard-" the turian started.

Among the sputtering a loud laughter boomed among the crew, much to the embarrassement of one Garrus Vakarian. Grunt grinned. Later when the jokes and jabs at Shepard's boyfriend ceased Grunt stopped by Joker.

"You owe me a bottle of ryncol."

"I'll make it two, buddy," Joker replied grinning at the recording. It would strike him gold on the extranet.

"Good, hehehe."

#eve writes stuff #mass effect #jeff joker moreau #joker mass effect #garrus vakarian #grunt #urdnot grunt #shakarian

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buddhamethods · 11 months ago

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10 BL Characters I Want Carnally

AKA I'm just a person with two keen eyes and dubious morals when it comes to enjoying media so don't take it seriously, I'm here for a good time.

Thank you @sndrys for tagging me! This was an eye opening experience putting this together. As it turns out I might have a type (ew).

1) Guy from Bake Me Please (2023)

The sole reason for me creating this list! Look, I dropped Bake Me Please almost immediately because it just wasn't for me BUT I've been lowkey watching through my dash. And let me tell you, my fingers gain consciousness and hit reblog everytime this baby's face pops up because...well...LOOK AT HIM. He is beautiful and he should get the guy (hehe get it) in the end idc.

2) Yok from Not Me (2021)

Yok is such a beloved character and for good reason! He is sexy, he is gay, he sets buildings on fire and steals cops' wallets on accident because HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT GUY HE WAS STALKING WAS A COP??? I love you Yok, never change.

3) Palm from Never Let Me Go/ OurSkyy2 (2022-23)

The anger I felt for all the injustice and mistreatment our beautiful Palm had to face in this show took literal years off my life. It's rare for me to get this passionately protective over a character and yet here we are, in the Palm Protection Squad headquarters. Even Nueng is on the watchlist!

4) Tonhon from Tonhon Chonlatee (2020)

Not to out myself as an enjoyer of silly goofy times , but I did have fun watching Fish Upon The Sky and Secret Crush On You, so OFCOURSE I thought I would like this one too but GOD was it rough. Did I still finish it? Yes. Did I fawn over PoddKhao pairing and have been quietly praying for some kind of reunion ever since? Also yes. Was I foaming at the mouth barking everytime Tonhon AKA Podd was on my screen? I'm not gonna comment without lawyer present.

5) Tew from My Dear Gangster Oppa (2023)

Speaking of Tonhon Chonlatee...AH! Ai Long Nhai (TC's spiritual prequel of sorts) was sure...something. And by something I mean I saw Meen and decided I will never speak ill of men ever again, feminism quite literally left my body. And then a year later My Dear Gangster Oppa came out and guess what??! MEEN IS THE GANGSTER OPPA! Dreams really do come true, kids.

6) Wen from Moonlight Chicken (2023)

(or Tian from ATOATS or Mueang Nan fron FUTS). Mix...I will eat you. Always so dewy and healthy and sparkly-eyed. But Wen from Moonlight Chicken is something out of the realm of my imagination. The sex appeal? The maturity?? The gentleness??!! Somebody sedate me before I say something I will not be able to justify in court.

7) Vee from Love Mechanics (2022)

He is a pretty bisexual who makes the most abhorrent stupid decisions known to men and then weeps and suffers for them WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED? Once again, is the show flawless or even remotely coherent? Absolutely not. That being said Vee brought me so much joy by being stupid I'm forever grateful.

(also YinWar are so back GO WATCH JACK AND JOKER TRAILER)

8) Prapai from Love In The Air (2022)

To a certain extent I've enjoyed every MAME show I've watched. To do that you need to possess the rare ability called "I abandoned every shred of moral integrity to gawk at hot men". And Prapai? MAN is this bitch hot. Tall dark handsome? Check! Bisexual on a bike? Check! Stubborn and annoying? CHECK!

9) Xiang Hao Ting from HIStory3: Make Our Days Count (2019)

*incoherent wailing and sobbing* IM NOT EXPLAINING SHIT ABOUT HIM LEAVE ME ALONE

10) AlanJeff from Pit Babe (2023)

My newest obsession! I refuse to separate our local senior citizen and his favorite prophetic mechanic. Both of them are hot as shit in their own way. Alan is a sexy dilf with so much weight and responsibility on his shoulders it's a miracle he retained his optimism and youthful awkwardness. And Jeff is a prickly baby-cow-baby-deer eyed baby that is so touch starved it's actually a little funny. SO I GUESS ALANJEFF SANDWICH IT IS.

(don't be shy tag yourselves besties <3)

#tag game #bake me please #bake me please the series #not me #not me the series #never let me go #never let me go the series #my dear gangster oppa #my dear gangster oppa the series #moonlight chicken #history 3: make our days count #pit babe #pit babe the series #love mechanics #tonhon chonlatee #love in the air #love in the air the series #blacked out and tagged every show oops

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thejedipirate · 11 days ago

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N7 Month Day 10: Transform

21 June 2185 Normandy SR-2 On route to Omega Station, Terminus Systems

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Shepard-”

“This is my body. I have a right to know what was done to it. I want to see the files from the Lazarus Project, Lawson. Please.”

Miranda hesitated for several moments before relenting. “I will have everything transferred to a datapad and I’ll deliver it within the hour, Commander.”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

And so here the Commander was, sitting in this grandiose cabin - with a fish tank - reading through the sordid details of her “reconstruction”. Frankenstein’s monster is definitely an apt metaphor. AJ sighed as she ran her left hand through her short auburn hair for a few moments before rubbing her face, the sensation of smooth, uncalloused hands sliding across angry, glowing red scars highly unnerving. Who the fuck wakes up two years after they’ve bit the bullet? No one. It’s absolute madness. Sheer lunacy. Something straight out of a cheesy 1950s science fiction movie. She snorted as the thought of her father loving just this kind of movie came to mind.

Yet one of the first things Shepard had done was have Karin do a full medical workup. The results were eye opening: increased speed, increased strength, eyesight and hearing all significantly improved beyond normal human capabilities using research stemming from Cerberus’s super soldier experiments. They’d managed to augment her DNA with Asari genes for biotics, and Krogan genes for improved musculature.

It didn’t stop there.

Close to a third of her body was synthetic, strewn with cybernetics and biosynthetic fusion to speed along her “recovery”. There were details for additional procedures that had yet to be done: synthetic skin, muscle, and bone weaves to further increase her resistance to damage and injuries.

Frustration bubbling to the surface, energy buzzed in the air as her hands began to glow biotic blue. Oh for the love of… Taking a deep breath, Shepard focused on relaxing, the glow subsiding after thirty seconds.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Wait, you’re a biotic?” Jacob asked. AJ stared at her left fist, glowing with biotic energy. Wilson lay crumpled against the opposite wall, out cold.

“Huh. That’s… new.”

Gently placing a hand on her shoulder, Jacob grabbed the Spectre’s attention as he motioned onward. “You can talk to Miranda about it later. We need to get to the shuttle.”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“According to Operative Lawson’s notes, the explosion that sent you flying from the Normandy saturated your suit with eezo from the drive core. With multiple punctures, you had virtually no protection against a high eezo exposure. You’re lucky your first exposure occurred in utero. Even while… while dying… your body was starting to form the nodes for biotics. All Lawson had to do while rebuilding you was complete the process. You’re in the upper range for a human biotic.”

Shepard crossed her arms, leaning against a bed in the medbay. She sighed deeply, eyes darting back and forth as she tried to organize her thoughts in her head. Finally giving it a small shake, AJ addressed the doctor. “Thanks for the rundown, Karin. I’d like a copy to look through later, and for comparison.”

“Comparison?”

“I’m going to ask Miss Lawson for the files on the Lazarus Project. I want to see if she’ll hide any of this from me.”

Doctor Chakwas gave a firm nod. “Understood, Commander.”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

How much of me is even me anymore? Am I just a clone that thinks it’s Commander Shepard? Some elaborate forgery designed to pass for the real person? A sophisticated AI implanted into an organic body?

Tossing the pad on her desk, Shepard let out a long sigh.

“Fuck. I need a drink.”

-The Port Observation Lounge has a bar, Commander.

“Of course it does. We’ve got a fish tank, an AI, why not a bar too?” Getting up, AJ headed for the elevator. “Thanks EDI. ETA to Omega?”

-Four hours, fifty-seven minutes.

The elevator door closed as Shepard pressed for deck three. “Tell Joker to get his crippled ass to the bar.”

AJ was already three shots in by the time Jeff arrived. "You started without me? Really?" Putting her glass down, Shepard poured the pilot a shot of tequila. He shuffled onto the bar stool to the left, quickly downing the first shot.

"Damn, that's not your usual poison." "It had the highest alcohol content. Three shots in and I'm not even buzzed. I may have to switch to ryncol if I want to actually get drunk."

They sat in companionable silence for a while, occasionally refilling their shot glasses. Jeff watched her carefully. "So... what are you chasing around upstairs?" AJ glanced in his direction before lowering her head, staring at her hands on the table.

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything. Nothing feels real to me. I'm walking around in a daze, with a face in the mirror looking back at me. I don't recognize it. For fuck's sake, I died, Jeff!" Shaking her head, the Commander kept her focus on her hands.

“Look, you've been awake for a week now. As far as I'm concerned, I got my best friend back.” Shepard turned toward him, meeting his eyes, her own swimming in uncertainty.

“Even with the changes? With all the synthetic parts?”

“It's like the ship of Theseus. The ancient Greeks replaced any boards that were damaged, and over the course of centuries, eventually every plank was replaced. There wasn't an original board left on that ship. Was it still the same ship?”

AJ pondered his words as Jeff continued, “Our bodies are constantly replacing cells. At our age, none of my original cells are left, yet I'm still me. So are you.”

“And the biotics?”

“Are just a bonus power! I mean come on, you can lift things with your mind now! How cool is that?” Shepard huffed. "I suppose you're right. Thanks Joker." "Anytime, though don't make this a regular habit. You know I'm not a people person." Grinning, AJ nudged him with her shoulder. "Jackass." "I try."

#commander shepard #mass effect #n7 month #n7month #female shepard #transform #prompts

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darkcreamz95 · 11 months ago

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Joker Out The Hague Concert Report (5.12.2023)

Oh boy... where do I begin with my first ever JO show and first ever pop/rock concert in my life...

[ UPDATE 15.1.2024: I finally put the Amsterdam report up, you can read it here. ]

Got to the venue at 2.30pm to get a queue number for me and my friend, got number 89 and 90.

Everyone was so lovely, even if we've never met before until that day! Thank you everyone for the friendship bracelets, sweets and charm! Also thank you to everyone who took my stickers, I loved seeing the reactions and it makes the last minute rush to go print and cut them before flying over so worth it!

My friend and I decided to go for the first floor balcony, and for a first show, that was a good idea so I don't end up feeling overwhelmed from standing at the floor (plus I got a good view of Nace and Jan even if I'm on the left side of the venue.)

Anna Rose Clayton is amazing on stage as the opening act, really hyped everyone up before the boys take the stage! Note to self, gotta listen to more of her stuff!

Ok JO part START!

I was warned about how epic the opening is, and YOU BET IT WAS! The lights, the opening music, even my video recording of the opening doesn't do it justice, you just have to witness it yourself live!

First thought when the boys first show up: I WAITED HALF A YEAR FOR THIS I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ACTUALLY THEM HELP HELP HELP ALSO BOI ARE THEY TALLLLLLLLL

Jan looked up and I did a tiny wave, he waved back ai crai

At some point during the show, Bojan also looked up and waved back at me ahahah...

Really Bojan made sure everyone in the room is having fun, not just the floor, even the balcony and the furthest end of the venue.

We got the 'Dopamin' dance and 'Tokio' wiggles from Jance, as a Jance girlie, I'm satisfied!

When I describe Jan's guitar solo, I tell people that "when he plays, it felt as if the world stopped spinning so that he could play", his guitar solo of 'Burning Daylight' and the added orange spotlight really felt like that...

The boys really poured their heart and soul into each of their songs, the energetic ones really pump you up, the melancholic ones make you want to break down and cry on the spot.

Heck don't forget that they've just battled Munich to get their asses over to the Netherlands and are probably exhausted from the journey, really massive respect to them and the crew...

SINTERKRIS!!! Kris looked so happy speaking Dutch and to be at his mother's home country! That Sinterklaas and NGVOT singing was so cute!

Before 'Barve Oceana', Bojan got a Magikarp hat and then he made a speech about protecting the oceans for the sake of the Magikarps, I laughed.

I set out to witness the guitar riffs in 'Katrina' live, and I was not disappointed.

Yes they've worn their Stozice/post-Eurovision outfits a lot in recent shows, BUT THE LACE AND BUCKLE DETAILS ON THEM... I'm happy to be able to see them with my very own eyes.

Overall, I'm happy that I've decided to go to the Hague one first, so this show can prepare me for the Amsterdam one (and what's about to go down on that day).

@zadig-of-fate thank you again for accommodating me that day! I had a fun time learning about the details during the show! :D

Bonus:

#joker out #le art of darkcreamz95 #joker out the hague #bojan cvjetićanin #kris guštin #jure maček #nace jordan #jan peteh #concert report #what do you mean THIS WAS ALL 2 WEEKS AGO #yeah it's not a xinxin event report WITHOUT AT LEAST ONE DRAWING #i came across many fluffy pets in this trip because of my friends #and then we have a giant teddy bear called NACE #but yeah thank you everyone from the hague show for making this the best day of my life #also hope the opening insights help in deciding when you want to queue and where you want to stand inside the music venue #hope you have fun reading this too!#will work on the amsterdam one SOON once I start sketching

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silverselfshippingchaos · 4 months ago

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Pairing: Ash (self-insert)/Commander John Shepard

Word Count: About 1.2k

Warnings: A bit of swearing, lots of making out. Slightly steamy if you squint, but it's mostly fluff. Also Shepard needs a vacation.

Synopsis: Set in the midst of Mass Effect 3, Ash can't help but notice that Shepard hasn't been doing well. After all, he could he? With the Reaper War upon the galaxy, it was up to him to save all organic life. Still, Ash worries for him. Building model ships has always been a hobby of his, and Ash thinks that perhaps building one together could help his tired mind relax.

Knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock knock.

Ash sighs, staring at the metal door in front of her blankly. She looks down at the cardboard box in her hand, a toy model ship waiting to be built and assembled.

He must be sleeping... She thinks to herself. Usually, as soon as she knocks on the door of Shepard's cabin, he's rushing to open the door, to pull her into his strong embrace, tilt her chin up and kiss her.

Shepard doesn't seem to register the knocking at all. He's just staring blankly at the wall, lost in thought. It had become a regular endeavor for him these past few weeks. Fuck, there was always too much happening. Every single second he spent here wasting time, another planet was being attacked. The constant feeling of unease had him growing thin, as was being pulled in what felt like every single direction of the galaxy.

"EDI, you mind opening Shepard's door for me?"

Ash asks, looking up at the ceiling. The Normandy's AI companion could hear her regardless of where she was looking, but it was a habit Ash couldn't seem to drop. The response comes almost immediately, as it often did when EDI was involved.

"Past data indicates that Shepard's dopamine levels increase when he hears your voice, so yes. Yes I can."

As the door opens with a woosh, Shepard seems to be snapped out of whatever trance he was in. He's still sitting on the edge of his bed in a pair of sweats and his favorite N7 hoodie, but he looks over at Ash.

"Hey, Ash. You need something?"

He's happy to see Ash, and his tone is plenty chipper, but Ash can tell just how exhausted he really is. Perhaps it was her magical girlfriend senses, or maybe it was that it was plain to see that Shepard was exhausted. Still, she smiles, just happy to see him. Not even an intergalactic war could stop the way he made her heart flutter.

"Nope. Didn't realize I needed an excuse to see my boyfriend now."

Ash's tone is sarcastic and light-hearted (as it often is), but John just shakes his head and sighs, rubbing at his temple with his hand,

"I'm sorry. There's so much to think about. The deal with the Salarian Dalatrass-"

"Can wait. It can wait."

Ash approaches the bed and pulls his head into her chest, giving her the best hug she can muster with one hand still holding the cardboard box (hidden very stealthily behind her back).Ash's voice is a whisper as she kisses the top of his head, the familiar prick of his buzzed hair on her lips.

"When's the last time you slept, John? Joker told me your stress levels haven't been this high since the Blitz. I'm worried, baby."

"... I'm not tired. At all. I'll be okay."

Ash sighs, letting go of him and rolling her eyes. Shepard raises an eyebrow,

"Hey, what are you hiding behind your back?"

Ash shows it to him. To be completely honest, model ships were much more his department than Ash's, but she still did her research, and this particular model took her nearly a month of hunting down.

Shepard's blue eyes go wide,

"This model is a hard one to find. You got this for me?"

"Yeah." Ash smiles, "I thought maybe it would help get your mind off things."

"Ash, I... Thank you. Thank you so much."

Shepard looks up at her, and his eyes are so earnest and sweet. When's the last time he took a break, did something for himself? Ash puts a hand on his cheek, feeling the small poke of his stubble against her palm. She leans in for a soft kiss, pressing her lips against his, and it's a gesture that Shepard is more than happy to reciprocate.

"Where would I be without you, honey?"

It's more of a rhetorical question anyway, but Ash kisses him again, this time on his forehead,

"Dunno. And we won't find out either, since I'm with you until the end."

"In that case..."

Shepard takes the box from her, looking at it front and back,

"Wanna build this with me?"

"Fuck yeah, let's do it."

~~~~~~

It takes nearly an hour of long work, gluing and linking together wooden and plastic pieces to make what seemingly resembled a small figurine of a warship, but seeing John's smile made all the hard work more than worth it to Ash. Shepard yawns, settling the ship down.

Ash grins,

"Finally tired now?"

"Yeah. Think I'll take a nap, then shower."

Ash runs a hand down his arm,

"Hm... Mind if I join?"

She doesn't miss the smirk on Shepard's face, and she fucking loves it.

"The nap or the shower?"

"Heh, both. Looking forward to the shower, though."

Ash can feel the smile on his lips as he pulls her into his lap where he sat on the ground, wrapping his arms and kissing her deeply. His breath is soft on her lips as he pulls away just enough to speak.

"'Course you are."

It takes much more kissing, but Shepard eventually, Shepard picks her up with ease and lays her down in bed. He took his N7 hoodie off while they were building, so he takes his shirt of before laying next to her. Admittedly, Ash is soaking in the sight of his bare chest, her eyes drifting down to his muscles... There were scars, both from the Blitz and his miraculous coming back from the dead, but to Ash, there was nothing more attractive.

Shepard wraps his arms around her, and Ash giggles. His arms always felt so perfect. Ash was so soft, and she smelled so sweet too. She was Shepard's happy place. Ash laughs as he buries his face in her neck, soaking in the scent of her cologne barely clinging to her skin after a long day, and starts peppering her with kisses there.

"Shep! Your beard! It tickles!"

But he doesn't stop. He has a massive grin on his face. He loves hearing her laugh so much.

Still, it doesn't take long before Shepard is ready to drift off to sleep, the exhaustion of a day of meeting with aliens and humans alike kicking in.

Shepard squeezes Ash, holds her tight in a big ol' hug. Honestly, his grip is a little too strong, but Ash doesn't mind. He was showing her affection, and she was glad he didn't have to hide parts of himself around her. Whenever they sat around and built figurines together, it was so easy to pretend that they were just the run-of-the-mill couple, and not a supersoldier back from the dead and a decorated Alliance soldier.

"I love you, Ash."

He loosens his grip and lets her snuggle into his chest like how she always loves to.

"I love you too, honey. Let's get some sleep. I'm sure Garrus will wake us up if anything happens."

"I could stay with you forever."

Ash smiles,

"When it's all over, you will."

Shepard, already half-asleep by his point, grabs gentle hold of Ash's left hand and runs his thumb over her ring finger, right where a wedding ring would rest.

"Yeah, I will."

The next thing Ash knows, Shepard is out like a light, his breathing being enough to lull her to bed too.

#WOOO MORE ASH WRITING #thank you for reading :)#reblogs are always appreciated and all that hehe!#i love him so much!#selfship writing #f/o x s/i #selfship #f/o community #romantic f/o #self insert #ALSO LMAAAOO not one of the lines of dialogue literally just being my ship tag for him- i felt so big brain adkfnjakf #i'm with you until the end 🌌#ash rambles 💚#also if you ever wanna be tagged in writing or whatever just lmk #I'm really proud of this one #ash writes 💚✌️

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chewypussy · 2 months ago

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on one hand making silly ai images for jokes is whatever inconsequential on the other hand you people turn into the joker when Annoying Tumblr SJW's leave nagging comments about it. and its all thanks to the airbourne virus i have unleashed on gotham city, you ahve 24 hours to wire me 1038383 billions dollars

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fallout-4-reactions · 9 months ago

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Shoker Angst writing idea. Because even now 12 year on from Mass Effect 3, I have a soft spot for a romance that never was.

For the third time in three days Shepherd was asleep in the co-pilot's chair, still refusing to sleep in the far more “comfortable” loft quarters Cerberus had built for her. Her head rested against its arm rest, her body uncomfortably bent to accomplish this. Though she seemed too out of it to care.

This was the only place this happened—feeling nowhere else was safe enough to sleep, trusting no one other than the pilot next to her to keep her safe in this now all Cerberus crew. She’d said so herself and even now Joker still felt the tightness in his chest from her rare admission.

Because even though he’d got her killed, she still trusted him like that? It made no fucking sense to him, and his snarky humour surfaced quickly. It was the only thing he could think of doing, because Shepherd didn’t need to hear about his stupid feelings.

And yeah, he’d noticed the hurt in her eyes, even though it was gone in an instant. He couldn’t stop seeing it either. And a part of him was so close to just telling her everything from the last two years—just so the regret would go away.

Yeah, I’m already enough of a fucking asshole thank you very much, he reminded himself, like he needed to.

They recovered quickly, they always had and now it was clear they probably always would. That was evident when she still walked over to the chair next to him, curling up against the leather seat, facing him.

They just talked until the pull of sleep was too much to bear, even for her, and he let her go.

And her pilots’ actions betrayed his words, because there he stayed—closing the cockpit off—shielding her from the universes’ bullshit when she was too tired to do it herself.

And for him, it allowed him to show her what his words could not, that he was fucking worried—that he loved her. He had never loved anything more than this insane woman that lay next to him, that's for sure.

He'd never tell her. He didn’t deserve that kind of happiness, like she’d ever feel the same.

Alright, he didn’t want that kind of rejection either. He didn’t know which was worse if he was being honest. So this moment simply allowed him to be grateful for the silence; grateful for her company after two years of wanting nothing more.

Grateful he didn’t have to make a deal with death just to see her again.

Long after putting his blanket over her sleeping form and ordering the AI to stay quiet did he allow himself to return to the Normandy’s console. If she trusted only him, then he’d keep anyone but Dr. Chakwas away.

To its credit, the AI stayed uncharacteristically quiet.

#mass effect #mass effect 3 #commander shepard #jeff joker moreau #mass effect joker #Joker X Shepard #Shoker #Mass effect shoker #angst #tw mention of death #tw references to suicide

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kindlingkeen · 6 months ago

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I’ve come with a new comic/manga I just found out about. No idea if you know it already (you probably have, I’m usually pretty late to discovering comics haha) but It’s called Justice Buster, it’s kinda nuts from the little glimpses I’ve seen. Definitely interesting.

Batman has a mech suit, Robin is an AI, Dick is a child, and Jason is a private detective investigating the death of Bruce’s parents and also a vigilante called Joker?? :o I won’t spoil the plot (what little I know of it) but have this funky mask design :) wasn’t sure how I felt about it at first, but it’s growing on me.

I definitely have not come across this before, and I’m not sure what to do with it, lol. The mask is making me … uncomfortable 😂. Your description has me imagining some sort of futuristic steampunk noir setting, which is definitely … interesting. Thanks for sharing, friend!

#keen converses #not sure how to tag this one #batman extended universe content?#justice buster

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volturiwolf · 1 year ago

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Ker si en delček vzela s seboj - Bojan x fem!musician!reader - part 1

A/N: Sentences/words written in italics are in their native languages, or to emphasize a few things.

A/N 2: AI was mostly used to write the lyrics, I changed a few things.

A/N 3: Not everything is accurate/according to what actually happened. Many things are made up, like this story.

A/N 4: This story and the way the characters play out have nothing to do with the real people. This is an imaginary story, in an imaginary world, with imaginary situations.

This series contains explicit/mature/adult content (use of drugs and alcohol, explicit material, swearing, etc).

“But I got my power in my hand / You hold no power over me

And I’ll take my flowers while I can / So let the love shower over me”

Dilja’s song had to be one of my favorite but most underrated songs of this year’s competition. She was not even 21,5 and her voice was pure power. She was performing right after us, so I got to watch her from the side, as soon as we got off stage because I didn’t want to miss a thing.

“Hey, (Y/N). Come on, everyone went back in the box.” Alex nudged me a bit to get my attention.

The ‘box’ wasn’t a box per se; it was a designated area for all the Eurovision acts to hang out during the Barcelona pre-party, surrounded by fans, other contestants, and past contestants. It had soft sofas, and tables full of snacks and drinks. Thank God, because I was already feeling my feet hurting from all the sightseeing we did yesterday.

“Give me a sec. She’s almost done.” I was moving around on my own, trying to be as respectful as I could during Dilja’s performance.

Once she finished, I clapped along with the audience and waited for her as she walked off stage to give her a congratulatory hug. We walked towards the box to meet the others as ‘Wild Youth’ was ready to take the stage.

It was only the first of the ESC Pre-Parties but we were all lucky to stay in the same hotel, so I got to meet the others in the hotel lobby two days ago. Our band, ‘Kitty Revival’, which was representing Greece, arrived a few days before the others, so we had some time to explore the city on our own.

I hadn’t been here in almost 9 years (tomorrow, it would be 9 years actually) and I was excited to see all the places I didn’t get to see when I was here on my last-year school trip.

Dilja and I got along from the beginning and got to do some sightseeing together. My sister also came along as she was the only one who spoke Spanish and I had once promised her to take her to Barcelona sometime in the future. She was only a year older than Dilja so they had a few things in common - more than Dilja and I actually.

Until now, I had met all of the acts at the pre-party, and I had made some friends - mostly Dilja, Mae, Iru, and Joker Out. Most of them were younger than me, but we still had a lot to talk about, like living the whole Eurovision experience - or at least, part of it.

Greece hadn't been participating in the pre-parties, but I really wanted to take the chance. It didn’t only mean song promotion, but also PR and getting to know the other participants. We practically had to beg the Greek delegation to let us participate in the pre-parties because they actually thought we shouldn’t.

As Dilja went to sit next to Mae, I went to sit next to my bandmate, Alkmini “Mini”, but Jan from JO quickly took over the seat. I raised my brow at him, but he just shrugged and pointed towards his old seat, next to Bojan, his bandmate.

I turned towards Mini. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

She simply nodded and I went to sit next to Bojan. The Slovenians had already performed first out of everyone else, so he was now stretching comfortably, but the moment he saw me, he moved a bit to make some space for me. “Thanks”, I murmured, hoping he’d hear it.

“You were amazing out there!”, Bojan tried to speak over Ireland’s song but he ended up screaming a tad too loud, trying to sneak his arm around me. Thankfully, I was used to the loudness and didn’t mind, but his arm made my heart race involuntarily.

I turned towards him to watch him smiling brightly, looking dazed and mesmerized, making me wonder how many drinks he had already. I could already see that Kris - who usually looked very mature for being the youngest one - was on the verge of being wasted already, screaming and dancing around. And we weren't even at the actual party that was gonna be just us.

Bojan was a natural flirt and could mesmerize anyone - I got that from the very first moment we met, and I wasn’t going to deny that he was so good-looking, and how he was slowly but surely making me let my guard down.

I leaned towards his ear. “How many drinks did you have already? We still have a long way to go until the end of the night. We still have an actual party to go to later"

“I had a few. Don’t worry. I can handle my alcohol.” His breath was tickling my ear, and I felt goosebumps as he laughed with himself. I couldn't help but smile at him.

He went on to talk about all the places they visited with his bandmates, the 'Wild Youth' and the ‘Sudden Lights’ guys today; some of which I had already visited. He kept telling me that he was 'too excited' to see all these amazing places and practice his Spanish with the locals.

"Though I wish you could come with us, as well. I mean you…your bandmates and you. Not you, you, as in you, (Y/N). You know what I mean?" Bojan was laughing awkwardly, trying to deal with his sudden embarrassment.

"I know. I wish we could come with you guys, but my bandmates insisted that we had some extra rehearsals for today. It's the first time we play outside of our usual area range, and everybody's kind of nervous about the whole thing. We mostly had people who speak Greek listening to our music and coming to our gigs, so this is totally different."

Bojan let out a giggle that made my heart thrill. "I totally get what you mean. Don't worry about anything. Your guitar skills are magija, magic, and your song is really good. I love hearing it. I love hearing you sing. Even if it's only in the back." Bojan moved a little closer at this point.

I didn't know how to feel about him at that moment. I wanted to lean closer to him, but it felt a bit out-of-character for me, and not entirely appropriate, given the time and place. I gave him an awkward thumbs-up and excused myself before I acted out of instinct that should not come to the surface.

I walked in front of Mini and gave her a signal to follow me. We walked to the bathroom, where it was significantly quieter than the box or the pit. I could think better here where I wasn’t overwhelmed with sounds, feelings, touches, and smells.

“Your cheeks are a tad red. You're flustered. What happened?” Mini had a talent for knowing how I felt without me saying a word, so there was no point in hiding the truth from her. We have been playing in the same band for over a decade now, so it made sense that she learned to “read” me well, even when I wasn’t trying to show any emotion.

“I think Bojan is flirting with me? Or not? I cannot really get him. He seems flirty with everyone - without actually flirting, you know? - but he’s more…expressive to me? He has confused me.” Maybe I was exasperating but the Slovene made me feel…things already, and I didn’t want to be just me, imagining things that weren’t there.

“Well, I do think he’s acting 'flirty' with you. And many others. But he hasn’t been like that with me, or Alex, or Dimi, or Stef. Just you from the band.”

“So? What do you think?”

“I honestly don’t know. Was he like that on the first day? When we went sightseeing?”

I tried to think of yesterday when we got into the mini-tour bus the party organizers booked for us and went around the town with Joker Out, Wild Youth, Sudden Lights, Tvorchi, Iru, Dilja, and Mae. We started early in the morning so we'd have enough time to see everything.

I was supposed to sit with the girls in the last row, but it was already taken by Jure, Jan, Conor, Andrii, and Jimoh. So, now we all had to split.

Iru and Mae sat together, and Dilja sat with my sister; Ed decided to sit next to our tour guide, with Callum and David close by.

I wasn’t annoyed by that; I was going to sit with Mini either way, but, at the last minute, she chose to sit with Dimi, leaving Alex and Stef to sit together. Okay, I would sit on my own - no issue with that.

Okay, I was annoyed; it reminded me of my school years, being the last one to get selected for anything. I couldn’t wait for the bus to start, so I wouldn’t have to think about being alone, not being chosen, and such, even if it wasn't supposed to be for long.

Against my initial thoughts, I felt someone sit next to me. I pretended I didn’t notice, but then they tapped my shoulder and I had to turn to look at them. To my surprise, it was Bojan who sat next to me.

I raised my glasses to look at him better. “What happened? Did your band abandon you, too?”

He looked around the bus, pointing at Kris and Nace who sat diagonal from us, in the front. “You could say that. They sat in pairs and I was left out. I hope you don't mind me sitting with you. I had nowhere else to sit."

So, he didn't choose to sit with me. It was just a convenience. "Yeah, no problem. Don't mind me." I turned around to look outside of the window; I really wished I had my headphones with me at that moment, but I left them in my hotel room.

Part of me was trying to focus on watching the city as we drove through it, but the other part of me was trying to decipher what Bojan was doing right beside me, without actually having to turn around and look at him.

“Hey, um…(Y/N), right?” Bojan spoke up and I had to turn around again.

“Yeah. And you’re Bojan. Bojan Cvjetićanin, right?” I raised an eyebrow at him. I thought he heard my name yesterday when we introduced ourselves to each other.

“Yeah.” He smiled widely. “I didn’t expect you or anyone to remember my last name actually.” He chuckled awkwardly.

“I remember everyone’s full name. Part of having an acoustic encoding and a photographic memory.”

“Oh, nice. So, (Y/N), speaking of photographic memory, do you know where we are going? I didn’t have time to look at our program.”

The program was given to us, specifically to know when and what we would do each day!

"Well, they'll drive us up to Montjuïc Hill first, so we can see the city from above. We'll visit the castle and then they'll drive us to the Botanical Gardens, then to Anella Olímpica, which is actually near the venue where the party with the fans will take place. Then, we'll visit the Spanish Village, then Parc Güell, and then, back to the city center. They'll leave us at Barri Gòtic, the gothic neighborhood and we have free time to visit whatever we want. I'll go to the Picasso Museum, Casa Battló, Casa Amatller, Casa Malagrida, and I'll have to find a way to go to Sagrada Familia, otherwise, I see myself unable to walk in the near future. Lunch is at 5 o'clock. The meeting point is Plaça de Catalunya, which is actually close to where we're having tomorrow's private party."

"Do they say what kind of lunch are we having?"

"They mention 'traditional Spanish cuisine', so I assume tapas, paella, gazpacho, and such."

"Oh, okay. I hope they got the memo about Nace on time."

I thought about it for a moment. "He shouldn’t eat gluten, right?”

“Yeah..? How do you know about that?”

“Because I cannot eat dairy and sugar, so I had to email them beforehand to let them know. So they sent me the menu to choose feasible options and let me know that there would also be gluten-free options for ‘another contestant’ with intolerance, just in case I had any other dietary restrictions. And I actually shouldn’t eat gluten because of my thyroid, but there aren’t enough gluten-free options in Greece, so...”

I just realized I started talking too much again and I stopped before I embarrassed myself more than I had already, but Bojan was looking at me…fascinated. His eyes were on me and he was perked up, waiting for me to continue my narration, but I thought that he hadn’t talked at all yet.

“So, have you ever been to Barcelona before?”

“As a band, no. Only Jure has never been here before. I was actually born here but we moved back to Slovenia when I was little, although I think I know a few Spanish but only now do I get the chance to speak with someone who actually speaks the language, you know? What about you? Have you?”

“Actually yeah, I have been to Barcelona before, but like almost nine years ago. Last-year school trip. We call it ‘triti lykeiou’, the third of high school. So it’s been some time, and even then, we didn’t get to see everything, or at least things that I wished we could see, like the inside of Sagrada Familia or the Picasso Museum.”

We continued talking for most of the time, from the moment we sat together on the bus till the moment we went back to the hotel, as Bojan became one of my ‘fellow travelers’ for the day, along with the rest of Joker Out, my band, and my sister. Bojan turned out to be a very pleasant person to talk to; it felt like I was talking to an old friend - effortless, familiar, meaningful. He was the most sociable and chatty out of all JO members, though, at times, I appreciated Jan’s more quiet company.

“I don’t know. Really. He was talkative, friendly. He may have seemed flirty and all that, but maybe it’s his way of communicating with others. Every time I try to speak with someone, they think I come out as flirting with them when I don’t. Maybe that’s just Bojan.” I shrugged, not caring to talk about it further.

“Okay. So, do you actually want to pee or…? We have been here for some time. The boys will be worried.”

“You can go back if you want. I’ll pee and I’ll be back shortly.”

I was quickly done, but stayed in the bathroom for a few more minutes, going through the photos I took yesterday. Bojan was in at least 90% of the group photos. He was obviously very photogenic, and he looked so smiley and happy. I took photos of every single one of our tour group, but Bojan would constantly find a way to get in, photobombing everyone’s photos.

I caught myself smiling, and I couldn’t deny that he was the reason I was currently smiling and silently laughing on my own. Going to his Instagram, I immediately saw he had uploaded on his stories and I was too curious not to click.

He had mainly reposted some videos from the Joker Out's official Instagram account with today's meet and greet, fans' photos, them getting ready for the pre-party, and a few short videos of them 'partying' before the audience pre-party.

And then, there was a video of my band playing on stage, but going through the video, it was mostly focused on me playing my guitar. It was…different, seeing myself through Bojan's eyes; the way his camera was moving from my guitar to my face, watching my 'concentrated' look.

I felt myself getting hot and my cheeks burning again. I felt a pain in my stomach - not sharp per se, but it was enough to make me notice it, accompanied by a light headache. I was pretty sure that it wasn't because of the few drinks I had; I could only attribute it to the tiredness of the past couple of days. I hadn't eaten well because I was embarrassed to eat in front of the others, and yesterday was slightly too hot outside.

I leaned against the wall, trying to take a breath, but I knew I just needed to sit down and everything would be okay. I exited the bathroom as calmly as I could and went back to the box to find a place to sit.

My seat next to Bojan was now taken by Mae, who was laughing loudly and enjoying herself, sliding her hand over Bojan's toned arm. I felt a bite of jealousy and sadness in my heart. Of course, there would be others interested in Bojan.

Bojan himself was smiling back at her while drinking from his champagne glass. He was having fun, and he seemed as interested in her as she was in him. The pain in my stomach became sharper now, but I didn't want to let others know how I felt, so I quietly took a seat on Alex's lap, as I usually did.

Alex wrapped his arms around my waist out of instinct - that's what we always did; that's how we all acted with each other in the band. We were all very open with each other, to the point we would even walk around naked when we were staying in the same hotel room or tour bus or each other's house if we felt like it. It wasn't forced; we were just comfortable with being close and intimate with each other.

They were all currently discussing possible places to tour in the summer if we got good feedback from the competition and the audience.

"What do you say, (Y/N/N)? Where would you like to go this summer?" Alex spoke calmly.

"Ideally, on vacation." Everyone snorted laughingly. "But if I had to choose, I'd say ask the people where they want us and we can go on from there. See if there's a way to arrange something."

"I guess that would be the most fair thing to do. Since we don't know where we stand with the people's view in this competition."

They all nodded, agreeing, before going back to talking about food. I sighed, trying to forget that I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday night, and snuggled my head in the crook of Alex's neck.

"Tough day?" Alex whispered as the others continued talking to each other.

"Tough day, you don't say anything." I was close with all the guys in the band, but Alex was more understanding and easier to talk to.

Alex glanced at me rubbing my tummy. "You're not on your period, right? That was last week?"

"No, it's not that. It's…" I looked towards Bojan and Mae, not so discreetly may I say, so Alex caught up quickly.

"Ha." He paused for a few seconds. "You're jealous. Who is it this time? Bojan or Mae?" I was open to my friends about my sexuality, but I never talked about it to others because I never had to or wanted to explain myself.

"Bojan. I don't know, Alex. I don't want to be just another participant thirsting over another one. Or be one of the people thirsting over him. I don't want to risk approaching him, only to be rejected. I'm tired of that."

Alex kissed me on my cheek and rubbed his nose against it. "I don't want to tell you what to do and what not to do, (Y/N). But I will tell you that we all take risks in our lives. We took a risk by being here, exposing ourselves to millions. If it's a risk worth taking, you should take the chance." He paused for a second. "And for what is worth, I think he may also be jealous now."

"How do you know that?"

"I've been glancing at him this whole time, and he hasn't stopped looking toward us. If looks could kill, I'd be chopped right now."

I turned my head to look at Bojan's side, and I saw he was already looking at us, mouth agape, and eyes wide open. We kept looking at each other for just a few seconds until he stood up and went away, probably towards the bathroom or somewhere else.

Could it be that he thought Alex and I were dating and he got jealous? No, no way. Bojan had a much too interesting life if I were to say so, looking through his social, to even care if I was with someone or not. Every participant was charmed by the Slovenian golden retriever. Everyone loved him. He had too many options to care about me and my life.

And he may have seemed interested yesterday, but today he was talking, drinking, and flirting with everyone like he was in his natural environment. I just had to forget all the things he made me feel, even for a day or two, and continue being civil with him because we had over 1 and a half months ahead of us until all this was over and we went back to our usual lives.

Though it was easier said than done, as, no matter how much I tried to avoid him over the next week during the Polish pre-party - unless it was a group activity or obligation, he always managed to be there somehow.

Was it a last-minute meet and greet with local fans before the pre-party? He somehow was close by, with the rest of his bandmates, probably having 'decided' to make a sudden meet-up of their own in the same area we did.

I tried not to notice how flirty and handsy he was with everyone, especially Noa when she showed up at the Israeli pre-party. She wasn't sent to perform, but as Israel hosted the pre-party, she must have been assigned as our co-hostess and presenter for the night.

I didn't know Noa was Bojan's soft spot, his weakness, until I saw a random post on Twitter, dated 2 months ago. It was uploaded by the official Joker Out account on Twitter, featuring Bojan. Noa was his weakness - his ‘weak point’, to be exact.

Now it made perfect sense why he seemed so infatuated with her and was pretty much following her around the whole night, except for when he had to go on stage and perform. And even then, he personally thanked Noa for her hospitality and how amazing and organized the party was.

I was really trying not to think of all that, not to think that the man I liked was flirting, touching, and partying with everyone else but me. I tried not to think that he could be going to bed with someone else, especially not me.

And then came Jere, going by the alias 'Käärijä'. And he was cute and kind and funny. And they immediately clicked with Bojan and they started spending as much time as they could together. And I would hang out with my bandmates, Iru, and Mae, and now also Alessandra, Alika, Teya, Salena, the 'Vesna' girls, and Elen, who went by the stage name 'Brunette'.

But it wasn't the same as it was that one day with Bojan, and though I was happy for him seemingly having found someone who actually made him happy, I couldn't help myself from wishing I was that someone.

Nevertheless, I tried to have as much fun as I could, without thinking of him or anyone else. And I did have fun, partying, singing, playing guitar, and going out with the other contestants, even Joker Out.

I was acting like nothing bothered me, and I was getting pretty good at it. In public. Because every time we got back to our hotel rooms, I fell into the abyss of my loneliness.

When we had a free day before the Amsterdam pre-party, everyone else went out, getting to know the city by night, but I decided to stay in my room, feeling too tired - emotionally - to have fun.

Lying in my bed, in my short, pink and wine-red nightgown, strumming my acoustic guitar, and humming, occasionally gulping some of the wine Mini bought a day ago, trying to find a new music or line for how I felt at the moment.

It wasn't usually hard to write a paragraph or two because it was usually a collective job, but I wasn't as emotionally charged before as I was now. Though, when I started strumming the chords, the lyrics started writing themselves.

You get on with life as that shy boy,

You're an adorable kinda person.

You like singing and playing hooky.

You like to contemplate life.

But when you start to daydream,

Your mind turns straight to him.

Sometimes I look at you and I look into your eyes,

I notice the way you think about him with a smile,

Curved lips you just can't disguise.

But you think it's singing making your life worthwhile.

Why is it so hard for you to decide which you love more?

Singing or living?

You like to use words about life.

But when you stop talking,

Your mind turns straight to him.

You like to hang out with me.

But when left alone,

Your mind turns straight back to him.

You hate crying and confrontation.

But you just think back to him,

And you're happy once again.

Oh, God. It was as soppy as it could get. But I bet Alex and Stef could probably make something good out of it. I wasn't good at the final editing and corrections, but I was good at laying all my emotions on the table and coming up with a rough layout of a possible song.

A rough knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I checked the time on my phone. 01:36. Oh, no. I must have been too loud and someone got mad and came to complain.

I quickly and quietly tiptoed towards the door, waiting to be screamed at, for playing guitar at that time. I should have remembered that not everyone staying here was a Eurovision participant, and we were randomly put in our rooms. And it was probably late for some people.

Opening the door, I came face to face with a rather distressed Bojan. My heart fell at the sight of him. His hair was ruffled and stuck out all over the place. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent than before, and his whole face was sunk.

"Hey, Bojan." I spoke quietly, aware now of how late it actually was. "What are you doing here? I thought you guys went out?"

He pointed into the room, and I took it as if he wanted to come in, so I took a step back to let him in. He walked heavily towards the small couch near the window, and let himself plop heavily into it.

We didn't speak for a few minutes, and the room felt heavy with awkwardness. I didn't know if I should speak or let him speak and explain why he was here at that time. I decided to break the tension.

"Hey, Bojan? Do you want me to bring you something to drink? Or eat? I have water, orange juice, cranberry juice, maybe some Greek koulourakia?"

He raised his eyes to look at me. His eyes were literally lost as if he was drinking heavily and managed to drive off somewhere he didn't know how he got there.

I took it as a signal to go through Mini and I's shared suitcase, and pick up a few things: a small pack of tsourekakia, a pack of oregano chips, an almond chocolate, and a can of Greek mountain tea from the fridge.

I placed them in Bojan's lap but he kept looking at me with those empty, lost eyes. "Eat up. You look like shit."

He let out a snort, smirking, as he awkwardly started opening the chips first. He snacked for a few minutes, occasionally closing his eyes, either out of pleasure or tiredness, I didn't know which one.

I looked at him closely, taking in his every perfect, little expression. He looked so small and fragile as he chugged down the oregano chips, like a little kid enjoying his afternoon snack. He saw me looking at him and offered me some of the chips.

"Thank you, but I can't eat them. They have milk powder in them." He shook his head and continued snacking.

He finished up and took the pack of tsourekakia in his hands, carefully examining the pack to understand what those were.

"They're like a small version of tsoureki, a Greek sweet-like bread which we eat as a snack, or sweet, or dessert. These have hazelnut praline in."

He shook his head again, as he opened the bag and grabbed one, throwing one in his mouth. The second he bit into it, his eyes rolled over his head, and I laughed at how much he enjoyed it.

I grabbed the can of tea and opened it before offering it back to him. "To balance the sweetness."

Our fingers brushed each other's, and it felt like it was forever ago when I last touched Bojan. I couldn't help my need to stare at him forever. His chocolatey eyes sparked even more now than they usually did, probably because of the alcohol in the man's system.

Out of a sudden, he grabbed my free hand and pulled me into his lap. I was so shocked and taken aback, that I could only look at him with wide eyes. Thankfully, he didn't spill any tea on us or the couch, because it would have been awkward to explain how the sofa and the rug underneath were stained with cold tea.

I noticed my nightgown had risen a bit, so I quickly pulled it down before my underwear was shown. Bojan wrapped one arm around me, while the other started moving up my thigh and below my nightgown, where I tried to cover myself up. My heart literally skipped a beat under his touch and our close contact.

We could only stare at each other. I was scared of doing anything that he may misunderstand and he was a bit too cautious to do or say anything. Or so I thought because he leaned forward, towards me. I didn't move, partially because I was frozen and partially because I'd been wanting to be in this position with Bojan since Barcelona.

His lips brushed against mine, nibbling my lower lip enough to make my heartbeat skyrocket. I wanted to give in but I quickly realized that Bojan wasn't actually in his right mind and it wasn't okay to take advantage of his loose state. So, I pulled away and pushed myself out of his embrace. He tried to resist but he was weaker in his drunk state.

"Bojan, I think you should go to your room now. You're drunk, you're not thinking straight, and you may start doing things you will most likely regret in the morning."

"I would never regret kissing you. Not in a million years. Not when that's the one thing I wanted to do from the moment I met you." He spoke for the first time tonight, his voice coarse and intoxicating.

I couldn't deny that I thought he was a bit obnoxious at first; he seemed too happy, and excited, and bouncy to be real. But when I actually got to meet and talk to him, he seemed down-to-earth, and lovely, and loveable.

"I'll be honest with you. I wanted to kiss you since that day in Barcelona when we spoke for the whole day. But I know it, and you know it too, that you have to come to your senses, and if you still feel the same, we'll talk about it sometime in the future, okay? Now you'll have to go to your room before our friends come back."

Bojan tried to stand up with wobbly legs but fell back on the couch. I facepalmed myself, knowing that getting him to stand up and go to his room, two floors above me, would be extremely difficult, even with using the elevator.

"What if…", he mumbled, "...I stay here for tonight? Please?" He gave me his best, doe-like, pleading eyes, knowing exactly where to aim to convince me.

I sighed, not wanting or being in the mood to argue with him. I looked at the oversized bed and tried to make some calculations for how we were gonna fit properly.

"Okay, but I won't be giving up the whole bed. I'm older and sensitive. We'll both sleep as far as possible from each other, capisci?"

"Si, signora." Bojan smiled brightly, and my heart beat faster. I swore that man would be the death of me. Was I too old at 26 to die over a younger man?

Bojan extended his arms towards me, expecting me to help him get to bed. I took a deep breath to calm my rising temper and walked over to him. I grabbed him from the waist, slowly pulling him up, and he put as much weight as he could on me.

Lucky for me, the bed wasn't too far away. Because Bojan, though considered short for a man, was about 10 centimeters taller than me, and he was both muscular and curvy, just my type. Pulling him up would be a bit easier if I wasn't feeling under the weather, because of my upcoming period.

I managed to get him to bed safely, lifting his legs to lie down, and pushing him a bit towards the middle, scared that he was gonna fall off at some point. I noticed he had his eyes closed already, and he was breathing heavily, so I assumed he had fallen asleep already.

I went back to the shared suitcase and got some painkillers, then grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, and placed them in the nightstand beside him. I personally never had a hangover because I always knew I couldn't handle alcohol at all, so I only drank in moderation. But I knew how awful a terrible headache can make you feel for the whole day forward.

I covered him with a blanket, as it was a bit chilly, even in the seemingly warm hotel. Bojan looked so peaceful, like a little angel, slightly smiling in his sleep. I took a picture in my mind and a picture in my phone, to forever remember that moment.

It was only then that I noticed I had a text message from Mini. I left my phone on silent mode so I never heard the text sound. "We're coming in 20. Do you want us to bring you something?" Sent 12 minutes ago.

It was a bit too late to text them. They would probably not see it on time. I walked carefully and quietly to the bathroom and called Mini from there.

"Ei, (Y/N)! Did you get my message? Do you still want us to pick up something for you?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's all good." I tried to whisper but also make myself audible. "Mini, can you do me a favor? Can you stay with Alex tonight?"

"Why? Did something happen?"

"Ehm, I...have a visitor tonight…"

"Omg, (Y/N)! Did you finally get laid?!"

"Wait! (Y/N) got laid?!" I heard my bandmates' voices in the background, whistling and making too much noise.

"No! No, it's not that. He just came to see me, and he was too drunk to get back to his room."

"Okay, tell me everything or I'll come over to see. Who is it? Is he cute? What does he look like?"

"Mini, I can't tell you who it is. That's…private." Nothing was private with these four, but I couldn't just out Bojan like that.

"Is it Bojan?" Alex spoke clearly on the phone.

I sighed before speaking. "Yeah, it's him. Please don't make it way bigger than it already is."

"That's what she said! But seriously, I'm just messing with you. And don't worry about Mini; she'll stay with me. Maybe one of us will get lucky tonight."

There were a few milliseconds of silence before Alex growled an "Aouts!", probably Mini's response to his comment. I snorted. Alex wasn’t that type of a guy; he just liked to mess up with his friends, and he knew that Mini wasn’t one to enjoy his pranks, so he did it more to her.

“(Y/N)? Where are you?” I heard Bojan whining from the room.

“Guys, I have to go now, okay? I’ll text you if I need anything.”

I got off my phone before anyone could respond, and I walked out of the bathroom. Bojan was lying on his left side, eyes half closed, looking towards the bathroom door. I moved closer to the bed, and he shot me a sweet, yet bright smile upon seeing me.

“Hey, are you okay? Do you need anything?” I wasn’t sure how to approach him or his state; I didn’t want to seem like I was hitting hard on him or that I was looking for any reason to get close to him.

“Can you please come over?” His voice was coarse and it gave me goosebumps.

I slowly crawled onto the bed, moving slowly to keep myself covered. Bojan’s eyes never left mine, as he watched me moving around and getting closer and closer to him.

“Closer. Please.”

I crawled again until I reached him and laid down beside him, facing him. His eyes still held an untold tiredness, but he still kept them open, as if I’d walk away the second he closed them once again. He moved his arms around me, slipping one underneath me and pulling me into his embrace.

His body felt warm and inviting, and I could now smell the scent of his clothes and his body: baby powder, musk, vanilla, and sandalwood, all mixed together in a scent that took over my mind.

His hands were moving up and down my back and arms in a comforting way, and he was breathing a bit more heavily now. I closed my eyes, enjoying the moment, though I knew I shouldn’t be getting that close with someone I had no future with - short-term or long-term.

Either way, we were from two different countries, living in two different worlds, and busying ourselves with different tasks. The only thing we had in common was that we were in a band, each of us representing their own country in Eurovision.

Just the thought of losing Bojan like that, expectedly and naturally, made me tear up, but I quickly forced myself to gulp my sadness and tears down. I didn’t want to upset him. This was a beautiful and emotional moment between us and I would ruin it if he noticed my wet, sunken eyes.

I calmed myself down and tried steadying my breath, though that led to me getting more and more sleepy in Bojan’s arms. And though I didn’t want to disturb his peace by staying there, I couldn’t bring myself to leave his soft touch, especially when Bojan laid his head on mine and started humming a - I assumed Slovenian - lullaby.

His voice, even when he was singing that low, was heavenly. I didn’t know what it meant, but I let myself enjoy Bojan’s rich, deep voice. He was singing and caressing my head, sliding his fingers through my hair and making my being go numb.

It only took a couple of minutes of Bojan singing lullabies for me to fall asleep in his arms.

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