#thank goodness i had an idea i already wrote down in my journal that i could throw on the page real fast

[number1villainstan]

Chisaki slows to a stop as the wall behind him lights up, four-year-old Eri turning to watch. He knows how this goes--he knows how to behave, how to listen, after years of trying to run and trying to study these strange shadow girls. And there are their shadows now, hush, Eri, the play is starting--

"Extra, extra, extra!"

"There's a dead baby bird on the side of the road! Oh dear poor thing, who could have done this to you?"

"Detective Vulture on the case! It seems that what we have here is a baby cowbird!"

"Cowbirds? Those birds that lay their eggs in other birds' nests?"

"Cor-rect! Which would mean that this little cowbird probably died when the momma of the nest its egg was laid in pushed it out to protect her own babies!"

"What a terrible momma! That poor chick was totally innocent!"

"Not at all! Would you want a parasitic baby in your nest, gobbling up all the food for your babies, pushing your own chicks out of the nest itself? That momma was perfectly justified!"

"Are you saying this is all the baby's fault??"

"Well, it certainly wasn't the momma's!"

"Then whose fault was it, mister detective?"

"The cowbird parents'," Chisaki says, squeezing Eri's hand with his own. "For abandoning their child."

--and the wall behind him loses its spotlight as the play ends.

[novashelby]

I'm Not Your Wife, I'm Your Daughter-Part III

Pairing: Nothing romantic as of now...Tommy ShelbyxEvie (OC Daughter)

Warning: mention of various abuse and assault, swearing, trauma. Doesn't follow canon much at all.

Word Count: 1,909

Summary: It hits Evie where Jack found all his information leading her to her least favorite person. Please show support by commenting and rebloging!

“You must be so devastated.” Evie inhaled, holding her breath for a second. She was sure when he had said, take her home, that was the end of their conversation. But to her disappointment, Jack Nelson had a knack for enjoying the way his voice sounded. On the exhale, she rolled her eyes and looked over at him, a clear bored expression. Though, she looked more pathetic than anything; eyes puffy, red, and swollen with tears. Jack Nelson knew what he was doing; upsetting the girl and spilling a whole can of her trauma. He had an eerie way of him, Evie thought. Her father was much more blunt with her emotions at times. But this man? So sickly sweet. Artificial was the word, but fuck, he made it convincing to a girl who’d already been so inclined to feel safe by any man who comforted her.

She side glanced at him, tight expression. But he pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket, shaking it open. Gently, he cupped her chin and forced her to look at him. He fought through her resistant struggle, wiping away the tears. “You must enjoy researching people, Mr. Nelson.”

“A speciality of all smart men,” he said, tucking away his handkerchief. “Your father, too. He mustn’t have told you about his brain tumor-”

“No,” she said, voice hardly even a whisper. Evelyn shook her head, eyes closed. “No, no he didn’t. But it’ll be okay. Daddy doesn’t die very easily.” Jack’s amused laugh broke her from her thoughts. She kept comments to herself. Disbelief, truly. Out of everything, it couldn’t be a brain tumor. 

“Eleven year old Evie must be so…manic,” he said, and her ears perked. Manic. When she was eleven, she went manic. She remembered it clearly. But why manic. Why say manic? There weren’t many words Evelyn remembered, but she remembered using that word a lot. Writing it on pages for her eyes. She asked God a lot. Wrote to him in a leather bound book tucked under her head. God, why do I feel so manic? This manic…the manic….manic. The driver pulled into the large driveway. 

When the car slowed to a stop, Evelyn looked at him, blinking. “Interesting choice of words, Mr. Nelson.” Her hand gripped the door handle as she made sure her knowing look was imprinted in him. So chatty, but awful at goodbyes he was. His kind facade faded when he no longer had use for it. “Good night. Surely a man like yourself must be so exhausted.” She opened the door, sliding across the leather seats.

“We’ll see each other soon, Miss Shelby-”

“I don’t know, Mr. Nelson,” she sighed. “I’m booked three years out in my calendar.” With that, she slammed the car door and walked up the stone steps, trying to keep her pounding heart contained. She hadn’t an idea of what she felt, but confusion was definitely on the list next to anger. Evelyn couldn’t begin to process any grief or devastation before she beat the pissed off fuel she had towards her father at that moment. Neither he nor Lizzie were home yet, still swimming through their emotions at the hospital. 

Francis greeted her at the door, helping her with her coat. “I’m so sorry, Miss. Shelby-you must be so tired.” 

“Should I quote my father?” she asked, a tinge of humor to lighten the air around her.  She nodded in ‘thanks’ and went straight to her bedroom. There was a target on her mind. 

A satin box of old journals shoved away in her closet. It was the first gift Ada had given her; a brown leather bound journal. Ever since she was eight, she’d write down everything. Even something as small as what she ate, if it was just too good to forget or just so horrible she wanted to remind herself. Still short at twenty-four, she dragged her white vanity stool to the closet edge, and stood on it, the legs shaking. It was then, when the box was shoved just a bit more back than usual, she knew someone had been fishing around. Evelyn could never push it that far back. “Fuckin’ ‘ell,” she cursed, grabbing a hanger and dragging it, grunting and groaning. It was definitely lighter, and when she failed to catch it, it tumbled to the ground. The cover came off and inside was a single journal. Evelyn jumped off the stool and picked it up. 

That was when she knew who took them. It made sense. She flipped through the pages of her journal when she was just thirteen, her fingertips burning with regretful memories. Michael. It was Michael who took them…how he had managed a visit with Tommy was incredible. She thought her father must really have a brain tumor if he was slipping that much. She gathered the last journal and tucked it in her handbag before strapping it over her shoulder. It was about four in the morning at that point.

In the little bowl near the door was a set of car keys. They were the cars that Evelyn was allowed to drive; the older ones that were dented and scratched. Specifically the one that she learned how to drive in roughly ten years ago. Francis peeked around the door leading into the dining room. “Are you off again? It is so late-”

“I’m thinking it’s quite early, Francis,” she said, winking, lying that she was off to her friend, Martha's home. “I don’t want to stay home right now, Francis.”

As a woman who was once little with no home, she found it obnoxious how some had more than one. Instead, having three or four. It was so bloody obnoxious. And for that, she hated Gina even more. It wasn’t Michael, it was Gina…. The over zealous bitch from Boston. Evelyn never thought her roots would follow her. Especially not in the form of a tall lady who didn’t know how to properly put on cheek rouge. You don’t know how to put on cheek rouge, she reminded herself. Sure, but I don’t pretend I do. 

How hard is it for everyone to be humble? 

It was quite a drive to London, and if Evelyn was honest, it was intimidating. Never having to drive that far. Most of her journeys were to Martha’s. Just a quick thirty minutes at most. But going to London was a whole day adventure. Hours, not including the fact she missed her exits and turns a couple of dozen times, ending up in some other city where the people clearly hated her. All I need are my journals. That was the driving factor. If she had nothing, she’d have fallen asleep, car sliding off a cliff. Surly. 

When she made it to the row of overly posh town houses, Evelyn wanted to drive back home. She was not her father. It was not her. Evelyn didn’t play tough. Evelyn didn’t confront people. But Michael played dirty in a way that was unforgivable. To steal a young girl’s mind. To invade her, violate her, and to completely expose her. 

After everything else he did. 

She slammed the car door, hearing her father in the back of her head. Fuckin’ ‘ell, Evelyn. 

Evelyn gave a few good knocks with the iron knocker. From the little clicks from the other side, she predicted that Gina would answer the door. But she didn’t expect the woman would be in her silk nightie, covered by a robe. She leaned on the door frame, the tight fake smile. Evelyn did a scan over her, pausing at her heels. “Evie-”

“Evelyn,” she corrected. “You call me Evelyn…where’s Michael?” 

Gina was always so sickly nice. Fake nice. Walked around like the princess of something, something. She tilted her head, amused. “It’s not often he lets you out. Must be a special occasion.” Her robe flowed behind her as she turned. “He’s in here!” she called. “Close the door, click the latch.” Evelyn looked around, thinking how simple their London home was compared to their other home. They almost seemed normal. Through the narrow entryway and to a parlor, Michael was sitting on a pink sofa. 

“Nice decor, Gina,” she complimented. “Did you decide on that, too?” Michael looked over at her, wiping the sleep from his eyes. They’d both still been in their night clothing. “Can I get you something to-”

“I want my shit, Michael.” Michael closed his eyes, rubbing his temples.

“What shit?” he asked, tiredly. 

Evelyn snorted. “You’re a pathetic liar just as you’re a pathetic gangster-I want my shit. You know what shit. I know it was you, Michael. I want my fuckin’ shit!”

Michael looked up at her, brow cocked. “Evelyn, did Tommy stop your medication again? You know what happens when you stop the..the little…um…the drops or something.” He was referring to the few times Tommy gave Evelyn a secret dose of something to calm her anxiety. Just anxiety. And it’d make her sleepy and calm. But Michael was being so incredibly condescending.

Evelyn did not entertain it. “I’ll rip this fuckin’ house apart, Michael-”

“What the fuck are you talking-”

“My journals, Michael!” She screamed. “My fucking thoughts! My fucking life! You took them and I fuckin’ know it was you. You fucking took them to exploit me…again. Because once wasn’t fucking-”

“Are you done?”

Gina came over, sitting on the arm of the sofa, arm draped around Michael’s shoulders. She was already sipping a whiskey. “What is wrong?” she asked, looking down at him. 

That made Evelyn laugh. “Michael, you took my journals and gave them to her fucking uncle-”

“Stupid-”

“Stop rolling your eyes! I know it was you, because.” She paused, digging into her bag and taking out the one journal that was left behind. “Because of this, Michael, the one journal you wouldn’t want your in-laws to read.” Michael stiffened a bit, leaning on his fist, looking away from her. She tossed it on the couch. “There you go.” She looked at Gina, and said, “halfway is where it gets good…you’ll learn a whole-”

“Evelyn! Shut up,” Michael groaned. “Would you? I was fucking twenty-”

“And I was thirteen.” Evelyn swallowed. “I was thirteen, Michael.”

Gina looked down at her husband, hand on her belly. Michael sighed, “what are you trying to say? I raped you? God, Evie, you just love being a victim. It’s like you crave it. You’re fucking sick and Tommy should have put you in a home years ago-”

“You’re deflecting-”

“Evelyn, I was fucking drunk, it was New Years Eve.” Michael stood, walking to her, looking down. “I kissed you-”

“I was thirteen-”

“It was a fucking kiss that meant nothing-”

“That isn’t your decision to make, Michael. I was thirteen and it made me uncomfortable…you were twenty-”

“Jesus fucking Christ…”

“I want my journals back, Michael,” she said. “Where are they?” When he didn’t answer, she made the ultimatum for him. “Michael, you have twelve hours to get those journals back to me…twelve.”

“And if I don’t?”

Evie walked over, grabbing her journal back and fixing her bag on her shoulder. “Michael, you should have stayed in the countryside. You’re a bloody shite accountant, businessman, and a really fucking pathetic gangster. Use your imagination.” She started to excuse herself out before pausing at the door. “Oh, and Michael.” She turned, pointing to her upper lip. “Shave that fucking pube trail…it looks disgusting.”

[delta-pavonis]

Dream Journal Rescue for the wip game, please

WHOO! Thank you for asking about this one, Nonny.

For the 2022 Dreamling Secret Santa I took a risk and wrote something that can be very divisive in fanfic and in fiction in general: first person narrative. I wrote the first half of i had a dream (i got everything i wanted) as a dream journal that Hob used to record his dreams after they came back when Dream got out of the fishbowl in 2021. It draws both from the early comics and from the TV show in terms of events/timeline. This fic got significantly less attention than the others I had written at the time, but it was also the one I was most proud of that year (and that's with Eros in Pragma and Hypnopompia turtur in there!). I am still extremely proud of it because it is, for me, I think very poetic writing. However, the first version of i had a dream wasn't post-fishbowl, but actually started before the fishbowl. Hob still kept a dream journal, and it still started in first person, but the idea originally was that Hob would figure out that something had happened to his Stranger because of his dreams stopping. Which meant that they needed to have enough of a relationship/rapport by the 1910s that Hob would trust that Dream would not miss a dream "date" of theirs without very good reason. Hence, "dream journal rescue" as the name. I only have pieces of the fic, but I keep them because I still viscerally love what I did with i had a dream SO FUCKING MUCH that I want to return to that style at some point. If you have read i had a dream you will see the bits I took from this and transferred to that.

This is totally G-rated and starts before 1889, as Hob is anticipating that next meeting, and then keeps going into 1914. Here's what I have in that WIP file:

1:

21 October 1885

I think I need to write these down. Olive suggested I start writing these down. She is usually right about such things.  

Maybe it will bring some clarity to this… mess. 

I’m in the White Horse Inn. (It is always the White Horse.) 

The year is not obvious from the decor, which is a riotous mix of 1389 and 1489 and 1789. Delicate teacups and straw-covered floor and fireplaces with chimneys. Of course chimneys. But I know, in the way of dreams, that it is the day of our annual appointment, the next one, in 1889. 

I shake my coat and hat free of the London morning rain. I am many hours before the time of our appointment. This my usual - I always arrive early. To ready the table and, more importantly, myself for our meeting. 

But in this dream I enter the White Horse to find the Stranger already there. He looks exactly as he did in 1789. Which must say something about my imagination since he has always been in impeccable fashion specific to the era of our meeting. 

Or perhaps it is because he looks at me with the same burning intensity that made our last appointment so spectacular. His eyes devour me, just as they did when we parted last, and I am absolutely helpless to resist.

I am sitting then, across from him, cups of tea and venison pasties between us. His beautiful pale fingers trace around the gilded edge of the teacup. I am speaking, words tumbling forth, I can hear the droning vibrations in my ears and throat, but it is not where my attention lies. 

My attention is riding the wave in his coalblack hair. My attention is wafting the bob of his throat above his high collar. My attention is tracing the sweet pout of his pink lips. My attention is flying through storm-sky eyes. 

He reaches across and

Fuck. I can’t write this.

2:

[There are several attempts at starting entries after the previous one. None manage more than a sentence.]

[No attempts at entries are made after 1889.]

3:

1 November 1898

I woke up still drunk and still in very rural Wales (note: never ever always maybe return for Nos Calan Gaeaf in the future) and found this old journal in the bottom of my trunk, so I suppose I shall once again make a valiant attempt to take dear Olive’s advice to sort out the dreams of my Stranger that ever plague me.

(I have heard tell of work by a man named Freud who claims dreams can be used to better understand someone’s psychology and potentially even relieve psychosis. He'd have a field day with me. May I never come within 400 miles of him.)

My drunk mind lacks creativity for scenery and so when I sleep this night I find myself in the same village square I was in only hours prior… however, I am back in time about 400 years? Long before the industrialization of the region, before the extermination of these old traditions by the expansion of “civilization.”

I have just won the silly harvest mare from the clutches of the other young men bringing the last of the harvest in, a horse-shaped horror made from the final stalks of grain reaped. I am now expected to try to sneak this rustling beast into the home where the bulk of the feast is being prepared by the womenfolk without one of them dousing me with washwater. If I succeed in getting into the kitchen unscathed I will win their finest beer and an honored seat at the feast-table. I am always up for new games.

(This is all Iwan’s fault for convincing me to accompany him home for the holiday yesterday and for me getting drunk while they all told me stories of the Old Days. Let it never be said that I abandon a friend in their time of need.)

I easily weave through the crowds of women and children, in their dresses and aprons and smocks, clothing I haven’t seen in centuries but are still as real as yesterday, and cross the kitchen threshold only to find the room empty. An empty kitchen except for the crackle of the hearthfire and my Stranger sat on a barrel in front of it. 

The large fire paints him in oranges and golds and he looks warm and inviting in a way that I have never experienced outside of my mind. It is the moment I know for certain that this is a dream. 

When he looks up to me he appears confused, brows drawn, lips parted. 

I am the first to speak, although words do not come easily to me. “What…?” After our parting in 1889 I can scarce understand why I am seeing him before me now. Although nightmares of the night plagued me in the months afterwards, I had been blessedly free of any night-time visits from my Stranger for almost a decade now. It has been an unexpected boon after so many years of dreaming of him more carnally. I know these facts within the dream. “Why are you here?”

He doesn’t stand, cranes his neck back to look up at me, and I realize he has a low collar this night, lower than it had been even in 1489. I can see flame-gold arcing around the shadowed hollow of his throat.

“It is a Ysbrydnos.” He explains in perfect Welsh, as if I am some child. I do not question why I can so easily understand him despite my mediocre grasp of the language. It is a dream, after all. “Many call on me such nights.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Yes, ‘tis a Spirit Night and you a spirit.” 

He tilts his head to the side, bird-like and distinctly not human. “Not as such. But I will attend the dreams of many who call me here this night.” The Stranger’s voice is just as rich and decadent as it is in person. This detail my memory - traitorous bastard it is - does not neglect. 

“Of course. Even the version of you I make for my dreams gives non-answers and evasions.” I can feel my whole body hunch in defeat. I wrap my arms around myself, look to the floor. “Just why…” Even my dream cannot steady my voice. “Why does my mind show you to me now? Why this torment?”

“Ah.” Now his voice is choked and staccato. “You did not call me here yourself this night.” Perhaps he is surprised, or ashamed, I cannot tell. 

Still, I want to scream. “After last time…” I grit my teeth and continue to stare at the floor. 

I see the toes of his black shoes enter my field of view. His chest is perhaps a handspan from mine. “Do you truly wish to never dream of me?” This inquiry is a mocking echo of his usual question, but there is no mockery in his tone. “Given…" He shakes his head, unable to say the words. Say the words he should say: Given what I did to you… Instead he restarts the sentence, "It would be well within your right to request it.”

I sigh. He almost sounds remorseful. What a fantasy this is. How contrived. “No.” And if I ever doubted before that this was a dream the tiny bits of relief I see wash over my Stranger confirms it. His eyes soften minutely. His shoulders relax a hair's breadth. “This might be the only chance I have to ever see you again. And I would take the machinations of my mind, I would take delusions of your regard, over nothing.”

He hums, looking back to the fire as he takes a step away from me. I feel cold and bereft. “This dream is over.”

And then I woke up.

3: 

1 Nov 1898  I have not dreamed of him in six months. one year.         three years.         seven          ten          fifteen 

4:

25 May 1914

After almost 17 years I found myself dreaming of the White Horse last night and when I focused upon it in my mind’s eye I almost burst into tears.

Wait, Olive always said that this was more effective if I narrated as if I was reliving the dream. That I would get more details back that way.

I begin the dream standing outside the White Horse Inn and knowing that I am dreaming. It is the first time I have begun a dream this aware and therefore it is noteworthy. 

When I enter I feel his presence before I see it. Through the doors in the back, to the private room that had been set aside for us in 1789. He is once again in front of a fireplace, standing this time, hands clasped at the small of his back as he looks down into the flames. 

(Note: Ponder this pattern more later, that I associate him in dreams with fire.)

The door to the room automatically closes behind me and he turns. Despite the venue, he is dressed, as always, in the pinnacle of fashion. All black - of course - but a suit with long jacket and waistcoat and tie nonetheless. The ever-present ruby sits heavy and dark just below his throat.

“I did not intend the delay, Hob.” And doesn’t that throw me for a loop. I did not know prior to that moment that one could get dizzy in their own dreams. “I sometimes forget that time flows… differently… for you humans. But I did think on our last conversation.”

Thirty questions stampede through my mind at once. Everything from ‘Did he just directly admit that he is not human?’ to ‘Which last time?’ I throw all of these aside and instead opt for a cautiously lilted “And?”

A magnanimous wave of his hand and we are sitting, the same tea and sweets that were present in 1789 grace the table between us. I hold my breath. “Perhaps we can pick up, as much as we can, where we were in 1789 before the Lady Constantine interrupted us.” I am so taken aback by the turn this dream has taken that I cannot for the life of me think of what to say next. Luckily, my mind does not require me to as he continues. “I believe you asked my name.”

I almost fall over myself to give him leave to avoid it. “Only if you wish it.” Just don't leave again.

He smiles, something brighter than usual, and it feels like looking into the Sun. “I have a list of titles, which we can get to later, but the simplest name is Dream.”

I clamp down on the anguish that’s in my throat, but it still comes out as a high-pitched wheeze from between my teeth. “Dream?! DREAM?!?” I let myself slump boneless into the chair, impropriety be damned, and splay my legs out in front of me, hands over my face. “Oh fuck my mind and these GAMES. Why can it not send me sweet dreams of you? Of COURSE you are named Dream… you are a dream! Has my subconscious no creativity? Christ in heaven…”

“Hob!” He shouts. He has never shouted at me before. I look to him through my fingers, meet twilight-blue eyes. “My name is Dream of the Endless and I am the King of Dreams and Nightmares.”

Shock, bright white and violent, runs through me and I quite literally fall out of my chair.

And then I wake up.

5:

26 May 1914

I do not think I have ever been more wrong about something in my long long life.

Fuck. 

My Stranger is Dream. He lords over dreams and nightmares. They are his Domain, his Kingdom. 

F U C K

I knew that he was something Other. But this. This. 

We met again last night, in my dreams. I don’t need to work at this anymore (thanks for trying, Olive) because he asked me last night if I wanted to remember this, remember meeting him. Apparently he has some manner of control over such things.

I told him yes. Of course I said yes. But I think I want to continue to keep track of what has happened, what will happen, in my dreams, here in this journal. If only so that I have something to refer to later when I have absolutely zero confidence that this is real. Some proof that I haven’t gone completely barmy. 

Last night we talked. Just talked. It was in a liminal space, barely distinct as containing a floor and walls and chairs. All monotone, in blacks and greys and faint whites. It still reminded me of the back room from 1789.

He - Dream - told me so much. More than he had ever said to me in one go ever before. He told me some of his other names: Lord Morpheus (or just Morpheus), Prince of Stories, Oneiros, Shaper of Forms. He has a kingdom, home to dreams and nightmares alike. They are not only his citizens, but he creates them. Creates!

I have so so many questions.

But I must parcel them out carefully. Each answer is a treasure I will hoard. 

I returned his generosity with words of my own.

[sad-girl-hours23]

2024 Fic Round-Up (strap in cause I love to yap)

Thanks for the tag @sugdenlovesdingle

I currently have 39 works posted to AO3 this year for bucktommy.

I only started writing again this June and my first work was The Places You Love to Be Kissed which is a 25-chapter "fic" told in 100-word drabbles of Buck's "favorite places to be kissed"

It's one of my most favorite creations. I had such a blast writing it & planning it (to some degree anyway, I did have to create a timeline lol) & I hope to continue the series with more lists.

I never meant to write it, I just kept writing down fic ideas waiting for something that could be an actual story (I'm not great with plots, okay?) but then I thought of this moment of Buck confessing his early relationship insecurities to Hen, listing all the ways he could mess it up (which became Prelude: Clues & Accusations) and her telling him to make a different list. And, Buck & I both love lists, okay? And I took the list idea from Lisa Nola's Love Listography journal and it just grew from there. The first few chapters came easy and so I posted them to AO3 (I always tell myself I'm never going to post a WIP and I also never listen) and I'm so glad I did because it forced me to create an actual plan, at least to decide on the number of chapters, otherwise I probably would have written it forever lol So I decided on 25 chapters (arbitrary, but it just has good vibes, ya know?) and I had already had the first chapter as a pre-lude and I already had written Maddie's chapter as an interlude before I realized that it deserved to be an actual line on Buck's list and so I decided on 20 list-item chapters (the actual # of lines in the journal, because I'm a freak lol) and then 5 additional chapters spread throughout (pre-lude, 3 interludes, and a post-lude) - where they aren't list-items but short little silly/fun breaks from the not-quite-narrative through-line where the list is always mentioned (Does it need to be stated that I work best with specific constraints and forms? lol). There's also several Clue references for no reason other than it's one of my obsessions.

I could go on forever about this, but I'll just leave a few of my favorite chapters here for reference

Tommy's Art Studio

Trader Joe's

Nina's Lounge (Bobby’s chapter 😫)

Garden Courtyard, Part 1 (Maddie 🥺🥺🥺)

Garden Courtyard, Part 2

The Grand Hall (Hen 😌😌)

Finally moving on to my other works...

31 of which are drabbles for the 118 Daily Drabble (posted separately because I'm a slut for kudos & it's just nice to see which individual ones resonate with people)

5 of which I wrote for the Bucktommy Advent Calendar 2024 I really enjoyed writing these, especially the ones below (the one excluded is not really fic)

I Know The Last Page So Well, I Can't Read The First

Bucktommy Bones? 

Spumoni

Hold Me Hostage, Arrest My Attention

I created Tumblr Ficlets for any microfics and not-quite-fics I post here (10 so far)

Rearranging The Alphabet To Put U And I Together is an A-Z unconnected drabble collection that is half-way completed

If you survived this post, consider yourself tagged 😜 (no pressure)

[sushywritez]

In Your Dreams | Eddie Munson X Fem!Reader

Summary: You seem to be unable to keep your boyfriend out of your subconscious. Leading to some wild dreams in which you keep written in a journal.

This is loosely based on an idea I had for my own dreams. On occasion I had several dreams featuring my significant other and found it odd but interesting. So, why not use it to create something fun and lighthearted.

Enjoy!

The forest floor was surprisingly damp beneath your feet, droplets of dew dripped from the leaves. Rays of sunshine poked theigh the treetops and warmed your skin. In the distance a rumble of steps could be heard. You take shelter in the bushes and vines, because much like most creatures you were a sacred part of its being.

Being a fae the responsibility of caring for and communicating with was imperative. Maintaining the balance between humans and the mythical was a task unlike any other.

Humans were greedy, power hungry, and unforgiving. Of course, that's only what is told. Now seeing them up close is life-changing.

"Shall we take shelter here, my liege?" One of the men, all seemingly gathered along in a lone, had spoken up. The supposed leader, the black mare in front, hopped off his ride, grunting as his boots hit the ground.

"I should say so." He nods. Dressed from head to toe in armor, minus the leather boots. His long dark curls cascaded down from his head flowing with the wind. From your hiding spot you make out more than just his form. "This clearing makes for a good camp, perhaps we may continue in the morning?" He had these soft brown eyes and expertly crafted face, he was the prettiest human you'd ever seen. Not that you had seen much of them in the forest, they saw it as dark and mysterious.

Over time you had learned both his name and title. Sir Eddie, one of the bravest knights to come out of Saint Hawkins. He's led countless of his men towards victory against the much darker forces outside the castle. The outskirts of the forest even your kind dare not venture into. Eddie had been sent out on scouting missions before, but this was the first time you noticed he was alone.

Eddie quickly snapped the small book shut and took a deep breath. "Holy shit.." He sighs, chest puffing out and shoulders slumping. He looks over at your sleeping form, the way your lips twitch up into a smile and the soft breaths as your whisked away into your dream land. He hadn't meant to discover your 'Dream Journal', it was by complete mistake, stumbling upon it when going through the drawers looking for a pair of sweatpants when he found it.

To say it was flattering was one thing. To him he felt honored, that your mind would still think about him while asleep, not many nights he was able to dream such vivid things less remember them. He tucks the book back underneath the folded clothes and shuts the drawer. He'll just have to keep checking up on you and your dreams.

The very next morning you awake to an empty bed. Eddie had already gone for work, it was often early he'd be called in and it was truly sad.

Yet he always made time for you in and out each day. Today was nothing new, as you threw back the blankets and turned to climb out of bed you noticed a card on the nightstand. Smiling forming as you reach out to grab the card and open it.

Good Morning, Angel

I saw how peaceful you looked sleeping so I couldn't be bothered to wake you up and say bye. So I wrote this note instead. I hope you slept well and had sweet dreams, I made you some pancakes before I left they just need to be heated up. Thanks for looking out for me as always, Angel.

I love you

Eddie Munson.

TAGLIST

@yaspillz @dahliamae @capricornrisingsstuff @aysheashea @e0509 @off-phelia @strangerthingsstories5255 @fujiihime @puppy-coded @damon-loves-pie @seratoninsickness @k0urti @thatlonelypieceoftoast @phantomxoxo @wittlewowa @rollergirlworldwide @allithewriter @gothguitargal @eddiemunsons-missingnipple @ali-r3n @harrys-tittie @yearwalker96 @lipglossanon @thepastdied @jessevans @dullsocietyy @littlelimb @ghosttownwherenoonegoes @3rriberri @corroded-hellfire @munson-blurbs

[sakkiichi]

hey can I request a genish matchup?

I'm a girl who's about 5'7 and has black hair and black eyes. I like drawing a lot and I also write songs. I often study and prepare for tests with the time I have.

I am very kind, loving, caring and considerate. I hate any kind of conflict so I usually almost always agree with other's opinions. I rarely get angry and usually bottle up my anger lol. The only thing I don't agree with is changing my basic moral values. I refuse to harm those who have harmed me as I simply don't like it. I also love puns and my humor is similar to cyno's lolol. I'm a huge introvert but I always try to be friendly and try to figure out the way to win someone as my friend. I've been betrayed and replaced a lot before so I get kinda scared of ppl leaving me easily. But to those who are the closest to me, I treat them like royalty. The smile of those I love is the most important and I will go any lengths to achieve it.

hey, dear, thank you for the info you sent ! i hope it’s okay to publish it, since i have no way to identify you otherwise… i hope you’ll like the matchup <3

now, for you i was seriously debating two characters that i can definitely see you clicking quite well with, but finally decided on someone who loves nature and is seen as a guide of sorts. Like you, he spends a great amount of his time studying and though sassy at times, he’s not one to go looking for conflict either, often preferring a more rational approach. In contrast to you, he knows when to let his anger show and he’s not afraid to throw hands (if he absolutely has to only, of course). Though introverted, he is social too and good at talking in front of crowds.

well, with all this, you might have an idea of who i’m talking about already hehe ~ i think your genshin match is…

✧ TIGHNARI

Your love for drawing and song writing are both facets of your personality that I think Tighnari would really admire. He has knowledge in drawing himself, often recording all the spices he studies on his journals. So, don’t be surprised if some time he asks you to accompany him or just join him to study botany for a while.

The head forest ranger’s eyes can’t help but glance at you, as you masterfully make pencil lines come alive in the form of flowers, leaves, fungi, butterflies or any other living creature he’s studying.

Due to your studious and introverted nature, the fennec fox always finds peace and respite in your company. His sensitive ears feel calm when he shares hours with you, Sumeru’s sunlight filtering through the verdure overhead coming in through his study’s open window.

More than once, when you two have been focusing on the books until dusk, his mind wanders to the lyrics you tend to scribble on the corners of your notebook’s pages.

He always wondered the meaning of those…

—

Intermittent sunbeams dance around the paper, the clear sky overhead patchy with marshmallow-like clouds and vibrant viridian leaves.

Humming to yourself, your eyes follow the penned lines you have down so far, your fingers tapping against your knee, to the tune of a melody yet to fully take form.

You always liked to escape to the hidden corners of Avidya forest to compose your songs. The birds chirping, the nilotpala lotuses floating in the crystalline waters and dendro crystalflies certainly did make for a soothing and inspiring atmosphere.

Sometimes you just got a few lines written; others you only managed to get a general idea of how your song is going to sound; at times, you even wrote no lyrics at all, settling for just doodling the flora and fauna surrounding you, but regardless, all the live that thrived in the rainforest always managed to make you smile.

Not to mention, no one knew about these little spots you picked to let your creativity fly free.

Or so you thought.

He had exceptional hearing, after all.

Honeyed notes had made it to the head forest ranger’s location as he was patrolling, the voice singing them unequivocally yours.

Carefully, he had retraced his steps, the echo of your sweet symphony leading him to your whereabouts.

Tighnari reaches a clearing, where you placidly sit, your back to him. Dendro crystalflies and fireflies flit around, their glow and the sun’s casting you in ethereal light.

Your lover smiles; you look so at peace like this, pen in hand, your feet dangling from the rock you’re sat at, dipping in the crystalline spring flowing by.

Your performance ends, you put down your notebook and unexpected clapping fills the otherwise mostly silent woods.

“I didn’t know you could sing.” Your boyfriend tells you, when you turn around and are met with his clapping hands and twitching ears.

“T-tighnari!” You fluster, gaze averted to the side. You hadn’t expected anyone to find your little corner. “I- well… I just write sometimes… lyrics… or something like that…”

“It sounded like quite the beautiful melody to me.” He says, stepping closer, taking a sit by your side.

“I don’t know… it’s still not finished…” you trail off, tapping the pen against the scribbled pages. Swirling flowers decorate the margins, some of them shaded, others just simple drafts. To Tighnari, however, they all look so beautiful, so alive…

His smile softens, gloved fingers running over your artworks.

“So this is what the quotes I noticed on your botany journals are…” he muses, eyes of turquoise and honey scanning the words.

“Mhm.” You nod, warmth spreading through your cheeks, a fond and shy smile decorating your features.

“May I hear your song again when it’s finished?” Your lover asks, afternoon sunlight reflected in his gaze of molten gems.

And in that moment, as your eyes lock with his, the rest of the lyrics start to outline at the back of your mind.

“That’s a promise.” You breathe, your lips soft on his forehead, his ears twitching happily.

—

Your kind and considerate disposition is something Tighnari adores about you too.

Additionally, his pupil Collei finds comfort in your presence as well. Many a time, she goes to you if she’s having trouble with difficult vocabulary or with writing letters to her outrider friend from the city of song and wind.

In these moments, the head forest ranger can’t help the dreamy expression painted in his features.

Other times, however, though still loving you deeply, he wants to facepalm.

As if it wasn’t enough with his mahamatra friend cracking awful jokes at dinner, he now has to deal with double the trouble.

Still, the sight of you laughing airily with his closest friend, so carefree, so unbothered, is something he could stare at for hours.

Tighnari is very loyal and understanding, so I think he’d be someone healing, in the sense that he could help you find a healthy outlet for your contained anger. He is also very comforting, down to earth and caring, and would reassure you constantly through his actions that he’s staying forever by your side, no matter what.

Like you, Tighnari is true to himself, and the fact that you are determined and loyal to your own moral values is awe inspiring to him.

✧ RUNNER UP: ALHAITHAM

I think our stoic scribe here would be a nice contrast to your personality, in a good way.

Though calm and collected, he’s not scared to throw the occasional blunt jab (as he often does with his roommate), and he’d help you see that it’s okay to disagree with others’ points of view.

When you tell jokes or are being humorous, if you watch closely, you’ll spot a gentle smile on Alhaitham’s face; he really does think your jokes are endearing.

In the same way that, even rational and logical, he thinks it’s so cute you draw and write songs. If you let him, he’d really love to read the lyrics you write.

Due to your nurturing characteristics, I do believe you could make his heart race too. It can be any small gesture, but every time you make him smile sincerely, Alhaitham feels a newfound warmth in his chest, cheeks tinting a very faint pink.

You’ll have to draw that sight sometime.

[sugareey-makes-stuff]

For the end of year asks I have. So many:

2, 3, 10, 25, and 30!!! 💛💛💛💛💛

Hiya friend! Hell yeah, gimme all the q's! Here's what I've got after putting some thought into it for 2023:

2. How many fics did you work on this year? (They don’t have to be finished or published!) Oh my God. I don't even know?!! I'm an artist at heart, but 2023 became a BIG writing year for me vs. art or craft making. Not by choice, since Adulting was really hard and everything was basically on fire, so I think I took up writing as a way to journal and cope tbh. My guesstimate between finished works AND WIPs together: I must have been working on at least 20 writing works. Which is kinda crazy...especially trying to do that for 2 fandoms. 😁

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer? I'm actually good at writing and extract Feelings when I'm given a limited word count. Like, I can somehow make the story work if I carefully choose my words and/or sentences since that word count makes sure I get to the point and I don't ramble on for too long. I've definitely been more aware of how I write depending on what it's for. Also, those short word counts have taught me to be cleaner or punchier. Which is always a good thing! I started writing microfics in 2022, and in 2023, I started writing more drabbles. When I signed up for a couple of fic exchanges, I graduated to writing short fics that were 2k or less. So, I think if I generally set some kind of word count for myself, that gives me a framework to determine how big the thing will end up being.

10. What fic made you feel the happiest to work on? OOO, that is a tough one! Okay, I honestly love Pink Lemonade (Sterek, T, 600 words with art) because it's a ficlet with art, and the whole creative process just flowed when I made this whole thing! I wanted to play more with silhouettes for art (which I think we'll see more of for 2024). And then I already had this little story planned out in my head, so I threw those words down. I think this was probably one of the easier works I've put together because everything cooperated. Also, soft boys! ♥️

25. What did you use to write? (e.g. writing programs, paper & pen, etc.) Scrivener! That program has changed the way I write, and I swear by it every day! The features are awesome (hello to color coding and snapshots), but I absolutely love that I have the ability to link to internal and external links. Lifesaver for a geeky researcher. I feel like I can actually organize my drafts AND my notes without being a trash goblin, so I've definitely been willing to write more because of that. When I had a recent power outage though, I did actually do some paper and pen writing, which was pretty neat. It makes the idea more concrete, and you bet that's going to become a fic soon. It's about...well, being stuck in a power outage...surprise! 😂

30. What’s something that you want to write in 2024? I technically want to write sooo many things but I will narrow it down to a couple. The first one would be another installment out for Where do we go from here? I miss making things for Perciver, but 2023 really didn't let me give them the TLC they deserve. I looked back at my fic doc the other day, and I'm glad past!Krissy wrote drafts for 2 possible installments. They've got legs, so it would be amazing to get both of them out! I also want to see if I can get at least one of my longer Sterek fics posted up as well. Maybe it comes down to taking the baby steps to see which one I can finish first...the 50k 10-11 chaptered Beast that I started a year ago, or the 10-15k 5 + 1 Things fic that I started a month ago. We'll find out, I'm sure!

Thanks so much for the asks!

__ Previously asked: 15 and 17 Want to ask me more writer q's? Let me know via the 2023 in review fic writer asks!

[non-un-topo]

random ass questions about ur stories: ok I don’t remember the title but ur recent long fic that was like. the aftermath of losing quynh and they were on that island with the fun-shaped stone that Nicky found? if ur happy to share I’d LOVE to hear about like. what part of the story u came up with first. like what image/vibe/plot point etc stuck in ur head so much that u wrote a whole fic about it yk? I absolutely LOVED that fic and would love to know!! hope ur having a good day and also no pressure to respond 🫶💕

🥺🥺 Ohh friend, thank you!! I'm so glad you liked it, and I'm sending lots of love to you!! The fic in question is Axis! (you're gonna get me talking about this big baby of mine and I won't shut up lol, I'm shy but I've had a lot of caffeine and I'm excited) <33

So I actually went looking through my old docs, phone notes, and physical journals for the first idea I had of this fic after I read your ask, because I could not seem to remember?? From what I managed to dig up, it was based on vibes first. I have some journal notes on "aporia", a state of ambivalence, and liminal space. I think I started writing it in October last year, during a very weird time where my mental health was... not great. In short, and hopefully without oversharing, I thought I was having a psychotic break. Turned out it was likely the CBD capsules I was taking for my chronic pain, which had a psychoactive effect I hadn't anticipated (like 0.1mg of THC and somehow it was enough). Anyway, at that time I started writing a lot of garbled philosophical thoughts, and I'll share this one for you because I'm almost certain it's what inspired Axis: (also putting the rest of this under a read-more so I don't annoy anyone sdfghfd)

What is the present? I wonder, because the moment you put your attention on it, it becomes the past. It vanishes. We think about present moments, but they’re already gone. All that exists is this idea of ‘happening’: All that will happen, and all that has happened. Neither is tangible. Neither can be held or kept. In thinking about the future, we imagine possibilities. In thinking about the past, we revive in our minds what has already happened. The only present that exists is the imagination. The dream. That which removes us from our reality, from our position in time and space. Where exactly is that? Rather, where are our selves in that state? Do we linger? Do we go? And if so, where? How long is the length of a single present moment? Can our lives exist as this single thread, if we spend it in dream-state? Are we forever suspended, or do our recollections of the past, our imaginings of the future, tether us to something tangible after all?

Anyway, right below this is the first line from Axis: "It is wondrous how quickly things can change in a moment."

Besides vibes and themes (suspension, stasis, indecision, fear of being lost, grieving, surrendering to the will of nature, being a fixed point in a broken group, being tethered together or untethered, things happening in reverse, being upside-down, being consumed, yadda yadda), I think the first scenes that popped into my head as visuals before I got writing were 1) Nicolo standing in the valley and catching a flake of ash in the air. 2) Yusuf and/or Nicolo in a hot spring. 3) Larus' frozen lambs. 4) The argument between Andromache and Nicolo, but no dialogue yet.

I know I wanted to write something sort of dream-like, that dipped in and out of flashbacks and liminal states, and I'm genuinely proud of myself for seeing it through. The last school year I had was intense to say the least, and there was a long stretch of time where I just left this fic as one scene and a bunch of nonsensical notes. Then, being real transparent here, a couple different tragedies happened one right after the other, and I just opened the doc again. I think my nana dying slowly had a lot to do with the direction my writing took. Thoughts, feelings, general atmosphere from real life creeps into my writing every time, and often I don't even notice until the project is done and I've read it a few times.

Anyway, I'm WAY overselling this fic dfgfds. It just means a whole lot to me and I know you can tell, so I appreciate you asking about it <3 Hope you have a fantastic day. Sending love and hugs <333

A bonus angsty snippet that didn't make it into the final work, just for you <3

It happens like this sometimes: Yusuf begins. “What if we never found you?” “You did.” “But what if. Just humour me for a moment.” You do. You love this man, so you do. “I wasn’t fast enough, and you slipped. I didn’t grab you. I didn’t even pull you from the water.” “You know it is not your fault.” “Andi didn’t— you didn’t see. I tried to jump in after you—” “And you would have been lost, too.” “No, I would have gotten you back.” There is no way to prove this. Nothing is certain. It already happened. You’re going around in circles. Yusuf says again, in a whisper, “What if we never found you?” You’re finding it hard to speak. To say anything in this moment. Yusuf presses his hands over his mouth, but it does nothing to contain his stilted gasps. He presses his words against his palms, but you hear them clear as ice: “What if we never find her?”

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1994 I had a very interesting and very different idea earlier, but I’m not saying that I’ll do this for sure. The idea was to take each journal and break them down into chapters. Just like in a regular book. Also, at the back of each journal, I’d have a list of what topics are in each chapter. Either something like that or I can take the last few pages and write what I wrote about in general throughout the whole book. There’s a pro and a con to this. The con is that it takes the surprise and wonder out of the reader. The pro is that if I’m searching through a few journals that I believe a certain event’s written about, I’ll get a better idea of where it is this way.

My stomach is bugging me again, so I’m drinking lots of cranberry juice.

Earlier I typed my parents a letter. I also typed and sent Tammy a message. Tom says that soon they will be having a chat mode where people can type back and forth to one another, just like the deaf do with TTYs.

I still wish I could get a hysterectomy. Tom and I know that the bottom line is that I’ll never have a kid, so why should I have to deal with periods till I’m 50-60? It’s not very fair. Well, I think I’ll go listen to music.

Later…

I thought I’d write a little more on the so-called baby discussion Tom and I had the other day. I’m finding that being able to suppress certain desires like Tom can isn’t as easy as I thought. Like he said, why should it be a big deal? Yes, the greater part of me still doesn’t want one, but it’s scary to accept the fact that I’ve been wanting one just a little more than I’d bargained for. Was Tom right when he said the responsibility would be good for me? Was he right when he said he thought I’d be a good mom?

I’ll either talk to him or read this to him, but I’m still confused. Sometimes I feel like he wants one someday and other times I don’t think he ever does.

Now, here’s my biggest fear. What if in the next few years I really start wanting one badly? I didn’t want a relationship till I met Tom. There are several things I never thought I’d want or could or would do. Should I tell Tom that if this should happen to talk me out of it? Remind me how bad it would be for me? For us?

He said the other day that in 5 years he’d be so settled with me, he’d never even think of it. What’s being settled with me have to do with having a kid, and it’s going to take him 5 years?

He also said he intended to be very busy as he is now, but wasn’t it he who said life doesn’t have to end cuz you have a kid?

Like I said, I try to tell myself I’m meant to be a singer, don’t want to be like my mom and all the other shit I’d have to go through, I’m sterile, it’s no big deal. The urges won’t worsen, I’m not going to have one, as for the most part, I do know the future even though I’m only 28.

Later…

Well, I’ll have to ask Tom when he thinks $22.80 will be in the budget. My latest thing is address labels, but after I get the 3 styles I want to get, I’ll stop. $22.80 isn’t bad, though, for 750 very fancy labels and they’ll last for eons. I also have an order coming anytime now with clear ones with musical notes.

See, it does come and go. Right now the thought of having a kid makes me puke. I’ve been up all night, therefore, if I had one, I’d have to get up in a couple of hours and be up all day and night. It’s also great not having to worry about it screaming its head off when me and Tom are doing it. I’d just ignore it, although I’m sure that’d spoil our appetites.

I’ve got another fucking headache, now. So, time to go pop an Ibuprofen.

Later…

Thank God for Ibuprofen. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be writing now. Or listening to music as I just did. Before that, though, I made a hamburger and did the dishes.

Tom will be getting up in half an hour if he isn’t up already. I heard him coughing just a second ago.

I shouldn’t have sent Bob so many stamped envelopes, but I had no idea he’d end up in jail. No one did. I think there are only 4 he never used, so that’s okay. Maybe April or someone will bring them to jail. Tom says that in time, Bob can get and send letters. He’ll have so much time on his hands that maybe he’ll write tons of letters. How he’ll afford stamps and what will become of his SS check, I don’t know.

He also may very well not have too much time on his hands. I think prison is a lot like Valleyhead was. They slave you doing this and that non-stop all day.

I wonder about April and the new 2-bedroom apartment they were supposed to share.

Tom’s up so I’ll continue from where I left off later.

Later…

Tom’s now working on sandwich #2.

I played him the tape of the pig squeaking.

I’m glad I don’t feel too tired. Hopefully, I can hold out longer. Long enough to go out and get some sun and color.

Yesterday I left Andy a message about Bob. He was as pissed as I am.

Well, I know Bob mentioned he was recently approved for Section 8 subsidy. I wonder if this means that if April stays there, she’ll have to pay full rent? I wonder if she could even afford to pay full rent. Most people find it awfully hard to pay for a 2-bedroom apartment at market rent, so I doubt she’ll stay there. That was, after all, their intention. To share the rent and bills.

I wonder who will go through his stuff? And what will they do with it? Where will it go? I can just imagine some character like my mom finding and playing all those tapes I sent. Although, unless Bob tells them, or whoever, what they are, no one will ever know. I used tapes of various artists and I never labeled them. This is cuz I wanted him to be surprised and not know what was on each tape till he played it through.

No shit! Only 43º now? I thought it was to hit between 76º - 78º today. We’ll just have to wait and see.

They just said on the radio that a thing called the Brady Bill is now in effect. This bill requires a 5-day wait for a background check on those buying guns. I thought this law had already existed for years. Guess it varies in different states.

Later…

I’m beginning to feel a bit sleepy now, but I’m sure I’ll soon get a second wind as I did yesterday.

I read Tom parts of this book earlier. He’s soon to be done with his shower and off to work.

I gotta go put my mail out.

Later…

Thank God we don’t live on the corner of the opposite side of the street about 5 houses down. There were 10-15 kids waiting for the school bus. They get dropped off on our corner, but they quickly scurry off to their houses. To be picked up, they stand around a while before the bus arrives and make lots of noise till the bus comes.

Later…

Tom just left for work.

I wonder if his address labels will arrive today. I think I mentioned it. I ordered him some as a surprise.

Now, I think I’ll go take my next journal and # the pages. Of course, I do it from the back of the book to the front of it. This way I always know how many pages I have left, regardless of where I am in the book.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1994 Watch out! I have pages and pages of some pretty wild news. Which one shall I start with? The baby or Bob? No, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that some of the time, although very seldom, I find myself wanting one. Tom got me to see that it’s okay to want something at the same time you don’t want it. I want to be with Tom and I want to be a singer more than anything else. He also got me to see that it’s okay to want something I can’t and won’t have. Yeah, I know this and I’ve walked this road many many times before. It sure does get frustrating, though. I guess I sometimes feel this way cuz my singing hasn’t happened yet and I have a lot of free time on my hands. A good 80% of it I spend well occupied, but the other 20% I get bored and this is when these feelings I don’t like tend to creep up on me. Yes, I know it’s not wrong, but it can be a bitch. When this does happen I try to remind myself of my real purpose and destiny in this life. I look at the reality of if I had a kid. That’s a huge list. I am sterile, but if I weren’t, I just couldn’t take it physically and mentally and while we’re not poor, we’re not rich, either. There are many negatives to look at in each of the 3 groups (physical, mental and financial), so that is what I remind myself of when these feelings come on and then I ask myself if I really want to deal with it and live like that. No!

I was at first afraid to talk to Tom as I didn’t want to scare him or turn him off, but he was glad I talked about it and faced it and he was very understanding. I love him for this.

It’d sure be nice to be like he is with the subject of kids; he can live either with or without a child.

Shortly, I’ll be back with news #2 of the day.

Later…

I got a message from Minnie, Bob’s friend, who said it was a very important message she had for me about Bob and to please call her. I figured he was in the hospital with a minor stroke, a nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt, or a bad flu. Well, I tried to call her back at the Northfield number she left me, but I got no answer. Therefore, I took a shot at calling Kim who I figured wouldn’t be home, but she was. She told me that Minnie called her to get my number. She’s seen parts of my letters and could see how much I love Bob. He’s like a grandfather to me.

So, Kim asked her why she wanted my number and then she started explaining.

Bob’s in jail! We can’t fucking believe it! She’s not sure where he is but thinks he’s in Walpole. Kim’s going to check into things and see what she can find out, but from what she hears, he can’t get or send letters. She and I talked about it and so did me and Tom. Now, I can see him having a house full of all kinds of people. Some of them minors that get ahold of booze. Then, I can see him unable to control them, cuz he doesn’t know how to put his foot down. He’s just very non-aggressive and would rather look the other way, whereas I would speak up about it and try to do something about getting the booze away from the kid. This guy, though, doesn’t want to argue or have to reason with anyone. I can also see him being dumb enough to let a minor or someone with no license drive his car as he can’t see too well. But the rape charge? Give me a break! Tom and I think it is possible, though, that maybe a 15-year-old who could’ve looked 18 and said she was 18 hit on Bob and he went for it. What I can’t see, is him knowingly messing with a minor. It just isn’t his style. While you never do know, I doubt very much he did this. Especially by force. The guy’s just too damn weak. A little kid could fight their way away from him. I’ve known him for years and he’s a lot like Nervous. He may drive you crazy with his mouth and express his feelings towards you, but never force anything on you. I can’t see it any more than I can see Tom robbing a bank, highjacking a plane, or raping anyone.

Kim said the newspaper fucked up on a lot of things. Yeah, I can buy that one. They did the same thing to me. She’s going to be sending me an article anyway, and cuz I’ve known him for years, I’ll know the truth from the bullshit.

She also says that Minnie says he got 10-14 years!

You gotta be kidding! And just when his life was beginning to look up for a change. He got a nice new apartment with that girl April and really wanted to get out here. He should’ve split, but he, Kim, and I thought there’d be no reason for him to have to. We figured it was a simple misunderstanding that would be taken care of and cleared up. Even he said he didn’t want to split cuz that’d make him look guilty and they’d follow his SS checks.

Kim, being an EMT, had a call in Sunderland once. A typical male got fed up with the wife and kids, so what did he do? Killed them and burned them and she had to testify in court. Well, she’s afraid of running into this guy at Walpole. They have some serious offenders there.

Another thing about it is, is that he told me that this girl claimed she never called or wrote to him, but his lawyer has got letters and phone bills as proof. Plus, this girl wrote and called before, during and after this incident from out of state.

I think it’s just another case of our beautiful justice system walking all over a naïve, desperate, defenseless old guy for the boost of their ego and power. Typical courts - get the women, children, disabled, minorities and the elderly, but let the abled white man walk. Put the drug dealer away for life, but let the murderer walk.

Well, she’s going to keep me posted as she finds things out. She said she just mailed me off another letter. Yeah, Book of Letters #7 is certainly going to be slow in the making. I’ll miss his letters. I also feel that I’ll never see him again. I feel as if he died. He probably feels the same and that he’ll die in there. He won’t have to commit suicide, he’ll either be killed or curl up and die of depression or a heart attack. This may be sick to say, but if he has to be there for years, maybe he would be better off dead. I only hope that if he does go, he goes quickly and painlessly. Maybe he really was born cursed. Way more so than I ever was. Makes me wonder what will happen to all his stuff, too. Where will all the tapes and letters I’ve sent him go?

It’s almost too scary to think about how it could’ve been me going away for a while. Neither I nor anyone else ever thought I’d go to jail, but I see now, that that’s where I could’ve easily gone. I am a woman with no connections in that area.

Later…

Late last night I did program 2 on one of my workout videos. I could do the whole thing. There were exercises I’d never seen before but they’re cool.

A few minutes ago I taped my pig squeaking and played it back. He looked thoroughly confused when he heard himself.

Also, I fell asleep around 11:00, and Tom said he could hear them playing ball next door from 1:00 - 6:00. I slept beautifully! Thank fucking God for this fan. If it were just the radio I had on, I’d have been woken up for sure.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1994 Well, I’ve certainly never been so into the Olympics before. You kind of get into it after a scandal breaks out. Anyway, Tonya Harding was supposedly involved in sending a hitman to hit Nancy Kerrigan’s leg. He did, but she recovered. They’re the only two representing the US. I figured it’d be fixed for Tonya to lose and for Nancy to win the gold. Well, Tonya did lose, but Nancy only won the silver. Some 16-year-old world defending champion from Ukraine won the gold, but man was she good!

Well, I do want to write and I am in the mood to, but I have nothing left to say. Not too much has been happening. I’m quite bored now, actually. I’m not in the mood to type any letters, so I think I’ll do some editing finally and once and for all. Oh, gotta do the dishes first. Well, I don’t gotta do them, but I’d like very much to do them.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1994 Wednesday morning sure was pretty strange for me. I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 7 AM. I awoke at 10:30 and puked for the first time since the night I got here. Luckily I only puked once. Why, who knows? Tom thinks the turkey I ate was bad. I've been fine ever since, so at least I have no flues or colds of any kind.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1994 I did part of the workout video. I do enjoy and feel better working out, but must it be so painful?! Another classic example of “no pain, no gain.”

Now I’ll go watch The Guardian video.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1994 I watched the movie I taped and typed a letter to Kim. Soon, I’m going to type one for Bob and then maybe cut some more split ends off. I take a few strands and snip any split ends with scissors. Man, do I have lots of them!

Later…

Just wanted to update quickly on some not-so-cool news, before I hit the sack. Well, remember I said Andy was to transfer to 2nd shift? Forget about that. They just hired tons of people for that shift. We’re both bummed.

I worked out and I can already see the results. It feels so good. I also typed Bob a letter.

Later…

Got up today at 3:30. Yes, I was very lazy. Got a letter from Bob. I typed letters to him, Kim, Fran and my parents.

I’m ordering yet another kind of address label that was only $4. They’re clear with musical notes.

Also, got a 35¢ fudge bar today when the ice cream truck came. It was pretty cool to be able to walk right out my front door and get it.

Well, that’s all for now.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 1994 I just finished watching the movie I taped and it was OK.

Earlier I retyped a note of understanding in Journal #4’s front cover. It’s an explanation of the copying of those old little journals, journal charts, etc. As for highlighting – all is fine with that for now. I think one of these days real soon, I’ll type up a long journal chart and put it up on the wall by the bookcase my journals sit on. All but 3 of them fit on the 2 shelves I use. On the very top shelf that has no sides sits my alarm clock/radio, my 2 cups of pens, markers, pencils, and a bottle of musk perfume. Sometime soon, I’ll also make up several other neat charts. Like how many days each one goes from, how many entry dates are in each one, and whatever else I can come up with. For now, though, I am going to listen to music and just close my eyes and relax, till I once again return to write.

Later…

Just got done listening to music, eating, and trimming my bangs. Did a good job, too. I just didn’t have the patience to wait till I go back to that guy Richard or to whomever. Tom was even going to give it a try, but I got so fed up with my hair in my eyes. As for the rest of it, my split ends are a nightmare. I really need to trim a good 4-6 inches, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with it yet.

Hopefully sometime this week Andy will get the address labels I got him for his b-day. Tom’s too.

Speaking of Tom, he just got up to go to the bathroom.

Later…

Tom just went right back to bed. That’s where I’ll be going myself, real soon.

I smoked one less ciggie today, and I’m going to try and minus another one tomorrow.

Boy, the cat on the next page sure does look a bit like Sasha. She had longer fur, though. I wonder if Nerv still has her? There were cats almost like Shadow in here, too. I’ll always wonder what became of Shadow and hope he’s safe and happy, but to tell you the shocking truth, I don’t really miss him anymore. He was just too obnoxious. If I had to have a cat, I’d take the beast before I ever took Shadow back. He was the perfect cat who behaved so well. I love having the pig in a cage he can’t get out of, cuz I don’t have to worry about him getting into my shit and clawing at my bedroom door while I’m asleep. Tom and I still have to cut his nails.

Later…

Last night I could not fall asleep till close to 6:00 in the morning. I awoke at 11:30 to take my meds. Then at 1:30 I finally got up and stayed up. Tom’s been up since 8:00.

I forgot that there’s no mail today. It’s President’s Day.

Tom’s calling his sister right now. He may have to go over later. He said something about leaving a disk over there.

Now, I’m going to go outside to enjoy the remainder of the sun.

Later…

Well, forget about going outside. It’s still nice, but it’s kind of cool and chilly.

I think I’ll soon check out the TV guide and see what’s going to be on.

I just had some tater tots that Tom fried up.

Andy bought a CD player today and any time he’ll be coming over to get his Fleetwood Mac CD. I’m going to go listen to music now, cuz Tom can hear the door if Andy comes.

Later…

I listened to some music earlier and soon I will go listen more.

Andy came and got his CD and showed me his new CD player. It also has dual cassette with high-speed dubbing. Now he can dub his own tapes and play CDs for only $80. When I want to high-speed dub something, I use Tom’s stereo, cuz I can’t edit with a high-speed dubbing system.

Tom and I had some fun. He’s doing his laundry now, then he’ll probably crash. He has to work the next 4 days.

I’m taping a movie now, then I intend to do my workout video. I’ll also type letters, too.

Later…

Oops! Time to print a retraction. Tom just read my last two entries and according to him, he doesn’t have to work Friday. He’s now playing a blackjack game on the computer.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1994 Andy was over for a couple of hours. We had a lot of fun. I taped some tapes for him. Dubbed them, I mean. We played cards and listened to some tapes. We listened to a convo between Fran, him, and me talking to the crisis center, among other things.

Tom worked on assembling his sister’s new computer all night. Before Andy came over, though, we had some fun.

I taped 6 hours of TV, so, I’m going to go watch some.

Later…

I’m watching a really good prison flick right now. Tom likes them too, as I and Andy do. So far, there have been no really hot women in this one. As typical as the TV guide does, it was wrong by saying earlier there was a women’s prison flick on a different channel. I’ve also got other stuff taped. Two episodes of Cops, two Tales of the Crypt, and America’s Most Wanted.

Later…

Commercial time again.

Still no call about Bob’s nude picture I had Kim send Fran. He must not suspect me at all. He never mentioned or asked me about it.

What?! Lindsay Wagner isn’t in this movie. That’s what they said, though.

Well, this movie oughta be over soon. It’s quite good, too. After, I’ll probably listen to music, then try to go to bed. Commercial’s over.

Later…

Got up at 11 AM today. I must’ve been having a hell of a dream, cuz I thought there’d been a huge crash, but Tom heard nothing. Also, I did have my fan on. I never could fall asleep last night till between 4:00 - 4:30.

Tom took off for his sister’s at noon.

I called my parents. I briefly spoke to Ma who has a cold still, but I had a longer, very nice chat with Dad. Larry, Andy and their two kids Larry and Jennifer are there. When I hung up with Dad, I called Tammy. She didn’t know they were there and she sounded quite shocked. Maybe angry, too. Almost as if to say, “Hey! That’s not fair!”

She sent me yet another message today, which was cool and I copied it in #57.

When Tom came home, we did laundry, made hamburgers, had fun and watched that prison movie I taped last night. He did a little computer work and went to bed at 7:30.

Before I began writing this entry, I typed a letter to my parents. I’ll be having a few letters to mail out tomorrow. Hope I get a letter tomorrow, too. Bob’s got 5 stamped envelopes to start putting to use.

I’m taping a movie right now. Right now I’m also going to have a cigarette.

Later…

I suppose there’s more “journal work” I could do later. I don’t believe I highlighted all the entries. Those that had pretty much the same color ink written all the way through them. Part of me wishes I could recopy some with pages missing that were old phone numbers, drawings, etc. Like 10 & 11 for example. I also regret “over-gluing” certain books, like with numbers 45 and 49. So many pages of them now are so crinkly and the book’s too full. They won’t even shut all the way.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1994 I just set the VCR to record Linda and Gloria, just in case I do end up falling asleep.

Yet another Thursday and Friday night have passed and what luck I’ve been having with the people across the street. That van disappeared and the music stopped all at once. I only hope my luck doesn’t run out.

I wonder if my brother will ever show up again. Part of me says yes and part of me says no but it’s up to him. My parents have mentioned possibly coming here in the summer, but summer to me could be from late May to early September. Especially out here. I assume they either mean June, July or August. I’ll have to see. If my brother, parents, sister or whoever comes, I hope Tom can handle it. I think he’s past his problem with out-of-state company now. Plus, we had a long discussion and I told him that although it’ll be very seldom that I do get out of state company, I’m not going to go through problems with him every time someone comes out. The next time will tell, but I think he’s learned to deal with it.

You know, I have read all these brief little notes and reminders I’ve written and so far not one of them makes one bit of sense to me.

Well, I gotta go lay down. I’m very tired, but I don’t know if I can sleep yet. If not, I’ll write more later.

Later…

I just did part of a 20-minute workout video and later I’ll do the other half.

Tom went to a computer store with his sister Mary who’s got a computer that Tom’s now putting together.

Tom said she really liked my big cactus on the living room wall in front of the door.

I was lying in bed, being very lazy till almost two hours ago.

An hour ago I showed Tom the tape of Linda and Gloria. They were the first two on. They each spoke for two seconds and sang one song.

Here’s my review: Linda has never looked so horrible in all her life. She’s gained a ton of weight and her hair is pitiful. It’s cut up above her ear. She brilliantly sang Por Un Amor, but as usual, she stood still. Never moved around. I think Linda’s a way better singer, but Gloria’s a better performer. Gloria moves around with lots of spunk and energy.

Linda’s got two albums out I have to get. One’s in Spanish and the other is in English.

Gloria sang Coming Out of the Dark and she looked hot. It was before she cut her hair and it was darker like her natural color. Not that reddish color she seems to have a lot.

After this, I took a bath, brushed my teeth, put lotion all over me, worked out, and now who knows what I’ll do next? I think I may listen to music and sing. I forgot to check for messages, so I will now.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 1994 When Tom came home we talked for an hour or so and ate some ice cream. Then, he went to bed.

We had a very short wind/rainstorm, so, Tom said he’ll put my mail out tomorrow on his way to work. I have letters to my parents, Fran, Bob and Kim. Also, two NPNs. One has a lost cat ad in it, but I totally forgot what I put in the other one.

My period is just beginning to taper off, but like I said, by the end of this month I’ll be PMSing for my next one which isn’t due till the 13th. Boy, do I want a hysterectomy! If it were painless with petty side effects, I’d love one.

I tried calling Nervous and he gave me the same old, “I’m busy” shit as the last time. This guy is a day person, yet he’s busy at 1:00 in the morning? That was his time, too. You know, each month I feel less and less into talking to the guy and writing him, which I seldom do much of either these days. I have enough of him on tape and to be frank, it’s just not like it used to be. Back in Springfield (especially Oswego St.), it was different. While he’ll always be a desperado, he’s over the hardcore obsession with me and I’m long-distance now. That’s why it’s not the same for me. There’s no fun in playing with him anymore, cuz you can’t get the old reactions from him that were funny and entertaining. It’s not the same for him either cuz I’m 3,000 miles away and he no longer lives alone. I can’t see this girl there for more than a handful of months, but I’m still 3,000 miles away. The only way it would be like the old times would be if I still lived there, didn’t know Andy, and he was alone and perhaps jobless like he was when we first met. I wish that he was somehow forced to live out here. Then, you bet your ass I’d be having lots of fun with him when I wasn’t spending the quality time I love to spend with Tom. In the future, I won’t waste money calling him, but if I were on the line and Fran called - fine.

Later…

I just copied in a message from Tammy. Typed a combination strange/fuck-you letter to Nervous. Hey, I got bored. I also did one of my workout videos and watched some TV.

Tom will be home soon and he has the weekend off.

Later, I’ll probably do some editing. I have about 6 more tapes, then there’ll be nothing more to edit. Not from Nervous anyway.

A Current Affair is about to be going on, so I think I’ll go watch it and I’ll write later.

Later…

I’m in one of those very lazy moods. There are things I could be doing, but I don’t feel like doing any of these things. At least not right now. I need to eat, then I’ll have more energy.

Tom’s not here yet, as I did ask if he could pick up some cigarettes. I kind of want to go out to dinner tonight, but it’s Friday night. All the restaurants will be zoos. With 10 million screaming kids.

Later I may read back through some of my earlier journals, like 1988 and 1989.

What I really want to do is to go swimming and get laid, but I’m sure Tom will be too tired. The poor guy has to get up at 6 AM. I doubt he’d even want to go out to dinner.

Here he is now.

Later…

I was just holding the pig, and man oh man is that thing ever all lovey-dovey and desperate for attention tonight! Every time I put him back in his cage and walk away he squeaks like hell.

When Tom got home he took me to get a take-out order from KFC, and he crashed when we came back.

I watched some of the Winter Olympic games that are going on now in Lillehammer, Norway. The only things I like are ice skating and gymnastics, but gymnastics is in the Summer Olympics.

I can’t wait to see Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan and how the crowd reacts toward them. They’re in the middle of this huge scandal now. Those two are the only ones representing the US and supposedly Tonya’s involved in setting up and masterminding an attack on Nancy’s knee to try to disable her from the Olympics.

At 1:30 there’ll be a half-hour show with guess who? Both Gloria and Linda. What luck, huh?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1994 Well, Tom came running home, grabbed me and hugged the holy hell out of me. He said he was worried all day about “this old man” being sick so long and therefore he feared losing me.

Never. It’s not his fault he had a cold and I’ve been much sicker for much longer. If anyone understands what he’s going through, it’s me.

We had a nice talk about several different things.

After he went to bed, Andy called and gave me two pieces of great news. He went to that guy’s house and was impressed with his studio. He’s going to start with 3 songs, all for only $100 apiece. That sure beats $400 - $500 a song. This surely is promising.

In a few weeks, he’s going to switch to 2nd shift at Denny’s. He misses the nightlife and us being able to be together more. I’ve been dying for him to be a night person.

Later…

Just finished typing my parents a 2-page letter. Also, played with my pig.

Later yesterday afternoon, my period hit full force. With my luck, though, I’ll have PMS for the next period by the end of this month.

Later…

Boy, do I feel shitty now! I’ve got that out-of-breath feeling and I’m so tight. My chest feels as if it’s got a ton of bricks on top of it.

I laid out for a bit today. Like yesterday, the sun was going in and out. It was very warm, though, that was for sure. I typed some letters, sang, watched TV, and did some word-find puzzles.

My stomach’s been bugging me too, and I’m so hot. I just turned my portable heater off.

Remember I said I made a half-shirt? Well, I put black lace straps on it and now it looks really nice and doesn’t keep slipping down on me.

I think I’ll just lie down till 6:00. At 6:00 there are going to be shows on that I’m going to tape.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1994 I watched a movie I taped on Cinemax, typed a letter to Fran and shortly I’ll be off to bed.

I really like my next two journals, but I sure hope I can find more like this one. Numbers 50, 55, and 59 have some of the ugliest covers. It’s the big colorful pages with fat lines that I love. I’m more and more into hardcovers these days. They pull out off the shelves easier, whereas two cloth ones side by side stick and you pull out more than one at a time. Also, if I were to drop a drop of coffee or something on a cloth cover, it’d be harder to wipe off.

On and off all night I’ve felt as if my period began, but no sign of it. I’ll probably wake up with it tomorrow. That’s how it usually works.

Well, one more smoke, then bedtime.

Later…

Well, I am outside now and it is a beautiful day. I mean beautiful! They say it’s 80º today. It’s perfect with a slight breeze and fairly cloudy too. This way the sun’s not blinding me and these pages aren’t glaring.

I’m still not sure if I have my period, but I feel like I do. Once again, I’m spotting. Today’s spot, though, was a little bigger than yesterday’s spot and the spot the day before yesterday’s. It was about the size of two quarters.

Later…

I didn’t lay out for as long as I should’ve. It’s just that it’s sooo boring!

I kind of got my period. It’s a case of way more cramps for the period or the period that doesn’t fit the cramps. It’s a very half-assed one, but I hope next month is different. I had to take 2 Ibuprofen instead of 1 and I began bloating and pre-cramping a whole fucking 2 weeks ago. Tammy says this happens to her, too, sometimes, but she never skips.

At least I know, as it’s only logical, that I’m sterile. Aside from my gut feeling and woman’s intuition, the research makes it logical. Tom read how DES girls have extra tissue that looks like lacerations, inflamed services, and painful intercourse. I have all that, therefore, it’s only logical that I also have a sure case of sterility. How do I feel about this? Sometimes sad, but grateful for the most part, as I could never handle a kid. I can’t be a constant, everyday day person, be woken up a million times, deal with the pain and damage it would do to my body, give up my peace and freedom, and I certainly have no patience or tolerance and would only be another Dureen. Tom says he doesn’t believe it’d be a financial struggle or come between us. I strongly disagree.

Speaking of good old Dureen, well, she has another bad cold. Oh well, at least Dad’s okay.

Tom will be home any minute. Another thing I have mixed emotions about. We both mutually love each other very much and want to always be together, but I sometimes wonder if he knows just how much I really really do love him. It’s not that I feel I’m not good enough for him, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing and have him feel hurt or disappointed. Or find out today that I said something two months ago that hurt him, but I didn’t think it did.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1994 Today I got up at 10:30. I spoke to Andy as it’s his 32nd birthday today.

Most recording studios charge between $40 - $60 bucks an hour, but Andy’s going to go check out this guy who works out of his house and charges $12 an hour. He only charges $12 cuz he wants to buy lots of expensive equipment and he figures he’ll get more business this way. Could be promising. I called Tammy and told her about it.

Tom got home an hour or so after I got up and we went grocery shopping. When we came home we fired up the spa and went in. It was a little cool but nice. I missed it. It was a beautiful day today.

I also received a Valentine’s card from Mom and Dad. She signed it and said: Hi to Tom, too! She had the I love you stamps in sign language on the envelope.

Later…

My period’s up to new and different tricks every month. For a long time now, I’m always either right on schedule or a day or two early. I was due today, yet all I had was one tiny spot. The thing that’s even weirder is that for the last two weeks, I’ve been feeling as if I were to get it any second. I was bloated and pre-cramping, but now I’m skinnier than I have been in weeks. Tom noticed this, too. The last week especially, I’m sitting there and all of a sudden I feel I’ve got it, but I don’t. Well, when Tom told me women commonly skip periods, and I also read this, I said, “Hey! That’s not fair. What about me?” So, I prayed and begged God to let me skip one. It either worked, or I’m just going to be late.

I skipped for nearly 3 years, but that was due to the Navane and look how fat it had gotten me. My periods have been pretty consistent since 1985.

Tom went to bed a couple of hours ago. He still feels sort of lousy with a horrible cough.

I spoke to Andy and Fran. Andy and I also tried to call Nervous. He amazingly answered but claimed to be soooo busy. I asked if he was getting laid. No, he said, so who knows what the hell he’s up to. Maybe he had to bring Crystal down from a trip or bail her out of jail.

Oh! I forgot to mention what Bob enclosed in one of his letters. The flowers on the left upper and right lower corners of the outside front cover of this book. I love them. You rub them on with a stick. I hope he sends more. They look so much like a part of this book and I’d like to put them on other journal covers.

Later…

I’m going to do something I should’ve done at the very beginning of this book. The previous book (#57) is Book of Letters #7. Well, I wrote up one page, before I knew it was to be Book of Letters #7. Luckily it is only one page. On February 4th, Friday at 3:30 PM, I wrote: I just finished the last 16 pages or so in my previous journal drawing flower outlines. Eventually, I’ll go back and colorize them.

Also copied from #57 - 5:31 PM, I wrote: I am recording a movie right now and waiting as patiently as I can for Tom to get home. I want to have some fun! I have a very sexy negligee on now. Not that it’s what I need to get fun, but I like to wear stuff like this every now and then. I sewed 4 negligees. Mainly on the straps. I’ve got 3 old tank tops. Tomorrow I think I’ll cut and hem those into half-shirts. I sure do have lots of nice clothes. I should wear them more often, even if I’m not going anywhere.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1994 A lot has happened since I last wrote.

A couple of days ago I got two letters from Bob, one from Kim with a letter enclosed she got from Bob and a postcard from Alex who moved to Illinois.

Last Saturday Tom and I went to the swap mart. It was OK, but I only got some perfumed lotion.

Yesterday started off to be a good day, but it quickly got shitty. Tom and I went to Fiesta Mall in Mesa. I got two journals and now I have a grand total of 60. After the mall, we got pretty pissed at each other, argued all day, and said mean things to each other. When we got home, we talked it out and looked at it as a learning experience, rather than a setback. We each talked about the stuff we need to work on. I’m sometimes too defensive and I interrupt a lot, and he denies things we both said or isn’t clear enough when he expresses his thoughts. We’re so much alike and so much different at the same time, but I think we’re more different than alike.

We typed each other Valentine’s letters after. How sweet, huh?

We worked this dispute out a lot faster than the one about Larry and way faster than the one with Kim. The thing that’s different for the better about us is that we seldom get mad at each other. Also, when we do get mad we stick together and stick it out. We don’t want to leave or call it quits.

Also on last Saturday, well, it was one of those fun kinds of frustrating days. We went to a fabric store and got two 14” pillow cushions and two really pretty fabric patterns. I had no problem sewing them, and I made a nice halter top too. When I tried to make a skirt and a dress, well, that was a whole different nightmare. The dress would’ve fit a 3-year-old.

Remember my songs My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away? Well, Tom wants me to record them so he can do arrangements on them. I took out my guitar to do a practice run through them and I couldn’t sing them. I asked myself why it was so hard when I didn’t have an eighth of the voice back then that I have today. Then it hit me and I was like - duh! I was a soprano then and now I’m a contralto. We transposed My Time Has Come down by my putting the capo on the 6th fret.

I did some singing today while Tom was at work, laid out, and watched TV. I also typed 6 letters to Mom and Dad, Kim, Bob, Alex, Fran and Nervous. Gotta go now, but I’ll write more about other shit later!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1994 I couldn’t fall asleep till 11:00 last night. Maybe closer to midnight, but I set my alarm for 8:00 and amazingly I got up. I was really tired at first. Tom’s been up since 1:00. I taught him the alphabet and chapter 1 in the book The Joy of Signing. It was fun and he learns so fast.

Hopefully, in a couple of hours, it’ll be warm enough to get some color back. For the next week or so, it’ll only be in the mid-60s. Real soon, though, it’ll be warming up drastically.

Noon

Today I’m sending a roll of film out for $4. It’ll be here within a week.

I also went out and swept and raked leaves for something to do.

Tom’s much better today. No fever, just a cough.

Either tomorrow or the next day, we’re going to rearrange the living room. The pig’s going to be moved in there.

I just saw that punk across the street walk home with two other guys. I hope to God they don’t blast off. They’ve miraculously been quiet for about two months. This has taken a lot of stress off of me, but it’ll all come right back if they start their shit again. The fan’s a lifesaver, too.

In an hour or so, it should be plenty warm enough for me to throw on a suit and get some color.

I hope and pray I get lucky enough to skip my period. I read and even Tom had heard it’s fairly common for women to skip periods here and there.

Oh yeah? What about me? When will I get to be that lucky?

He’s working on his computer program now.

I need to go brush my teeth, then I’m going to head outside.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1994 Well, this is certainly weird and different for me. I am at Tom’s doctor’s office. It sure is strange not being the one who has to be seen, but nice for a change.

I was just looking through a child magazine. Some of it actually seemed interesting. In a way, it’d be nice if Tom and I could be married now in order to be on the same insurance, have a kid, enjoy it, then get rich and famous when the kid’s 3-5. I’d also like to try the smoking classes, despite my doubts.

In reality, though, I’m just going to hang loose till and if I ever do become a singer. If I don’t, I’ll just work on computers.

A 6’ 4” butchy lady with a little boy just sat down. What an odd sight, but I’ve known some butches who were wonderful with kids.

I hope Tom’s going to be alright. I hate to see him miserable. He can’t work, eat, or have sex. I asked if he wanted me to go in with him, but he’s much braver than me. They called him in right away, but it’ll probably be a long time before he gets out.

Boy, everyone here looks different than I do.

Later…

Boy, was I ever wrong about waiting a long time. Just as I finished he came out of the office. He has a cold, but they didn’t give him anything. In a day or two, they’ll know if he has strep throat. I hope not.

I aired the place out when we got home and he went to bed.

I typed several letters today to Bob, Fran, Andy, Nervous and Kim. It’s been a while since I wrote Nervous. Tammy sent a message on Prodigy today. I printed it out, copied it into #57 and sent it to Nervous, along with Fran’s new number. I typed Andy a 2-page birthday letter using many different fonts. Tom also tried making him a 2-page banner for me saying: Happy Birthday, you Femmy, from the Bitch. It didn’t exactly come out perfect, but I’m sending it anyway. On it, there are 4 pictures I drew of Gloria that were scanned into the computer month ago. Lastly, I’m sending 2 pages of my different flower drawings. He’s getting 6 pages total, but I used 2 envelopes. One’s got the flowers and the banner, while the other has the letter.

I’m hungry now, so, I shall go make a TV dinner or something.

Later…

Boy, I’ve been eating like a little pig lately! Oh well, I’m already bloated and going to get my period real soon.

I’m taping a movie now which will be over at 7:00. Then, there are my usual Wednesday night shows - Unsolved Mysteries, Now and Law & Order.

In other news, I shaved my pussy as best as I could. It’s not an easy item to shave. Especially the lips around the clit. Right after I shaved, though, I threw on tons of hydrocortisone cream so my butt doesn’t end up on fire like the last time. That didn’t tickle.

I hope Tom’s sleeping well. I heard him cough, but I hope he sleeps it off. So far, it doesn’t look as if I’ll catch what he’s got, thank God. This is my first time being around a sick person without catching what they have. I’ve been free of colds and flues for about a year. If I were still dancing, though, I’d have probably caught something from someone. I’m not around lots of apartment people anymore, either.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1994 Tom said to write good things about him. I said I always do. The poor guy’s really sick right now with a cold. Me? I’m PMSing. I’m big-time bloated, my tits hurt and I’m so warm. At least I finally got unstuck today and yesterday.

Andy came over and I saw his new car and showed him my artwork. He wants me to do a huge cactus in his place. Some plants, too. I took his picture and he took one of me alone and one of me and Tom together. I finished the whole roll, so soon I’ll be mailing it out.

I spoke to Dad last night twice. He’s feeling better. Fran called, too.

There was a huge hailstorm here today, and Tammy said they were in the middle of a huge storm.

Got a postcard from Kim. Soon I’ll type up more letters. Just been lazy I guess.

Later…

Tom has a fever, and if he still does tomorrow when he wakes up, he’s going to call his doctor.

Tomorrow I plan on typing more letters and I may do some editing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t lay out in the sun as it rained and hailed all day.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1994 Grrr, I hate being stuck. Darn stomach.

There was no answer when I called Ma. I left a message. I talked to Tammy, though. She got the pictures.

Yesterday I had a first-time yet great sexual experience. Tom managed again to get inside me. While inside me, he stimulated my clit with his fingers and I came. I’ve never been able to cum before with anything inside me. Not even fingers.

Today, poor Tom’s stuck in bed with a cold and I’ve been drinking prune juice. Still no joy yet. (sighs with frustration)

Guess I’ll go type some letters now.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1994 Got an awesome paper journal! Love it! It’s the nicest of all. A little more expensive at $13, but well worth it. I love the cat drawings which will give me more ideas for wall drawings, or whatever. I also love this paper. It’s slicker and much easier to write on. There was a postcard in here to send away for catalogs. I’ll mail it out today.

Tom and I got up today around 7 AM.

Ma called to say Dad’s surgery went fine and in a few days he’ll be home. She brought him the flowers I drew and the pictures I sent. I also told her to give him a lollipop when he wakes up and gets out of the recovery room, just as he’d do for me when I had ear surgery.

Boy, do I love this journal! I also love how the pages are numbered, so I don’t have to do that myself.

Tom and I went out to finally get him a nice pair of black Velcro sneakers.

Then, after I got this book we went to Denny’s. It was shitty. The food was cold, it took forever, and the place was infested with rowdy kids.

When we got home I laid out in the sun.

Soon, Tom and I are going to have some fun.

I may have an early period. I am bloated big time.

Oh, almost forgot, we also looked in two thrift stores. I got a satin bodysuit for only $2.

Later…

Well, I guess Tom and I aren’t having any fun. He’s very very tired.

There’s not much else going on right now, so I guess I’ll just go kick back and relax. Till later!

Later…

Tom’s gone to bed and soon I’ll be doing the same. In the meantime, we did another survey with the same questions I wrote out and we did in #55. We’ll do it again around April 1st. Here are the questions:

Will the business work out? J-100 T-75

Will we be married? J-100 T-99

Divorced? J-0 T-1

Live on some land? J-85 T-50

Will the people across the street play 1-3 times a week? J-85 T-25

Will I be a singer? J-40 T-95

Dancer? J-30 T-50

Model? J-25 T-50

Have a kid? J-0 T-25

Will you lose weight? J-100 T-40

Will I? J-50 T-60

Ever make a demo? J-40 T-95

Quit smoking? J-0 T-95

Will you get all the stuff you want? J-100 T-1

Andy left a message a very short while ago asking if I wanted him to come over tonight. By the time he was to get here, I’d be way too tired and out of it. Still, I can’t wait till I do see him. I have so much to show him. My wall art, journals, etc.

Later…

I just talked to Andy. He will be over within the next few days.

I’m now taping shows from now to 11:00. Cops, Tales from the Crypt, and America’s Most Wanted. I still have a movie I taped to see with Valerie Bertinelli in it. I’ll save it for days when Tom works.

Tomorrow morning, he and I are going grocery shopping.

I keep telling myself to hurry up and hit the sack, but I’m not going to sleep for 12 hours. I don’t want to sleep past 7 AM. There’s no hurry.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1994 As a surprise, I ordered Tom some address labels.

A few days ago I got 6 new CDs. Carly Simon and Reba McEntire didn’t really have any songs I like. John Lennon has one song I like and Abba’s Greatest Hits has lots of great songs. Lastly, I got two Prince CDs and there are several songs I like. A few sure do remind me of the bars when I was dancing.

Yesterday morning Ma called telling me Dad’s to be operated on this Saturday. His arteries are blocked, so they’re going to open them so he doesn’t have a stroke like Nana Bella did. They didn’t have this procedure when Nana Bella was alive. Thank God they do, or else he’d have a stroke like she did and be paralyzed on one side. They’re going to run tests on him all day today, mainly CT scans.

I cried all day and Tom held me when he came home. He’s such good support. The thought of it being the last time I saw Dad when I flew here is scary. God, I hope he comes out here! Ma said maybe this summer. She also said she got my picture, it was beautiful, and she put it on her dresser. I wasn’t too sure, and I thought it’d end up with Tammy. She gave me Dad’s room number to call. We spoke briefly and Tom listened by the speakerphone as I talked to both of them.

I also called Tammy yesterday. We had a long talk. I told her how much I want Dad to see me happy. She said he knows I’m happy. True, and that’s fine, but he’s never seen me happy personally, in person.

She also went on to tell me a long story about Lisa. This was the emergency that came up a while back and had her all upset. Lisa had a friend, Stacey, who was a bad influence on her and was rebellious cuz her parents beat her. She says Lisa can’t stand on her own two feet and was Stacey’s puppet. She forbids Lisa to see her and I guess Lisa’s been really bad about chores and lying and stuff like that.

Then, she went on to say the state launched an investigation on her for child abuse. I guess Stacey told the school psychologist there were bruises on Lisa’s shoulders. Lisa said she was constantly yelled at and grounded. Yeah, I believe that one. Tammy yells a lot. She says, though, she barely ever hits her and when she does, it’s on her rump. This I don’t believe, even though I didn’t tell her. I’ve seen her hit Lisa and knock her to the floor. I also know how tense, serious, bitchy, hysterical, and carried away she can get, too. She’s told me she’s doing what mom did, as that’s all she knows. This is why I fear having a kid. Part of me fears I’d be like my mom, the other part says, “Nah, you’re calmer, more together, and you have a great supportive, patient, calm understanding guy like Tom is here.”

The poor kid would have so many health problems, though. Heart and lung problems, possible defects, arthritis and God knows what else.

I love my sister and she too, is way overdue for peace and happiness. I hope she finds it, but Bill is not like Tom and I. He’s not as tense as Tammy can be and doesn’t yell as much, but he’s not Mr. Calm, Sensitive, and Understanding of the Year, either. Tammy said he got so mad at Lisa that he punched the door so as not to hurt her. Yeah, I can see that. I can’t picture Tom doing that, though.

Later…

I just talked to Tammy for a while since our Sprint bill was only $29. I also called Fran at his new number. He wants oh so badly to talk to Sabrina. Called Nervous too, at work. He said, “I don’t want to talk to you here.”

I said I’d call later at his place, but as usual, there was no answer. I just tried a little while ago.

Tammy still hasn’t heard from Larry and Ma says he’s in Texas. She says she’ll tell him to contact me. It’s up to him, but I don’t want his phone number, cuz I don’t want to be blamed if anyone ever decides to prank him.

I had this cloth dress, like a tank top dress. It’s blue and white striped. It was a little long on me and the ends were getting stringy. I hemmed it, along with the sleeves of this cool colorful shirt Andy gave me.

I typed a letter to my parents, and I wish to hell I could go swimming now!!

I told Tom I saw the punk across the street. He thinks he smashed his van and is grounded, but has been there all along. More power to him if he did crack that fucking van up.

Going to go try Nervous again.

Later…

Finally! Nervous answered and believe it or not that broad’s still there. The fucking thing wouldn’t let me talk to him, though. She rambled and about just getting out of jail and being all tripped out. The girl was flying high as a kite! Nerv said she was just tired and was trying to keep her away from the phone, denying anything was wrong, but this bitch is fucked up!

I told him about my dad and Larry. He said, “You told me.”

See? He does read my letters. Luckily this bitch doesn’t steal my letters. At least, I don’t think she does, but my God! This girl was tripped out, making no sense. The things she said and the way she said them were of a typical tripper. I hope she doesn’t fuck up Nervous’s life too. He could go down with her. She gives me bad vibes. In the same sentence, she’d ask me how I was, then say that 4 girls went down in jail as she got out on $6,000 bail and all kinds of gibberish. And no, this is nothing like when Andy and I’d do our phone gibberish.

I can’t feel this girl around too much longer, but then again, if she fucks over Nervous, well, he’s fucked over people himself, you know. Knowing him, he may very well deserve this. This is all he’s good for and can get, in a way. Totally the type of chick he’d get. Totally.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1994 Today Tom made it all the way inside me!!! It didn’t even hurt, but if it wasn’t for the KY jelly - forget it. I don’t know how people screw without it cuz it definitely would’ve hurt without it. We’ve been having these early-morning romantic get-togethers before he goes to work.

I’m going to try as hard as I can to be a day person for a few reasons. One is cuz he’s on a day schedule, and also so I can get some sun and some color. I’m also going to try to cut down on the smokes.

So, at least the DES didn’t make my tunnel crooked. Dr. Kolnick said the DES could’ve done worse things to me. All the DES did to me was make my cervix red, make me sterile, and knock off an ear (unless that was really caused by Ma’s smoking). Better my ear, though, than an arm or a leg. He said I’m actually roomy in there. I feel so much better and like a real woman. No longer do I feel like a freak. It feels great to know I can screw and that we’ll be married someday, and the statistics don’t scare me. Yes, most guys are jerks, but not this guy!

Later…

Well, now’s as good a time as any to get on with my writing, before I get backed up.

Andy got a new car. A Plymouth Reliant, so he’s happy. We’ll be seeing each other within the next few days.

I sent off two orders of address labels for him. One in the name of Andy and the other in Mark. It all totaled around $12. This will be his birthday present. I also got my other order of silver prism labels. They are so nice. One’s in my next journal. I used all 250 of the last batch. They were yucky.

Believe it or not, Tom set up the sewing machine and got me started. Man, this guy’s smart! His mom used to sew a lot. I hemmed two shirts and I’ll be hemming other stuff soon. I have 12 payments of $10.79 for the sewing machine. I just sent in payment #1. For ordering the sewing machine, they sent other little gifts. A salt & pepper shaker, a key chain, a nail filer, and two magnetic picture frames. I have them on the refrigerator. One’s got a picture of my nieces in it and the other’s got one of Gloria. Lastly, they sent a pin that I put on one of the lampshades in the living room. It was easy, as this shade’s pleated. The little lamp by the couch has a non-pleated white lampshade. I drew flowers on it and it looks really nice.

I saw something today that worries me. Well, it’s been so nice and peaceful and quiet across the street, but will my luck soon run out? I saw two women in a car drop the kid off. He had a bike in their trunk and a knapsack. Has he been there all along? Is it just the van that’s been gone? Who knows, but I have confidence in this fan keeping shit from waking me up. It works a million times better than the radio. I wish I’d had it long ago.

Later I’ll write about new CDs, my dad, and a talk I had with Tammy.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1994 I sure got lots of mail yesterday. A postcard from Kim and my address labels, which weren’t too impressive. They’re not as nice as my last group, but the other ones I’ll be getting any day now will be the nicest of all. I went and stuck tons of them on my CD and tape covers.

I also got my pictures back. Five of them were too dark, taken before I got the flash. The rest came out OK. The wall drawings came out better than I thought they would. My parents and Tammy will each be getting 18 pictures.

Lastly, I got that Singer mending machine and I think I’ll be sending it back. It’s impossible to understand or put together. I will not pay $80 to play rocket scientist.

I got a message from Fran yesterday saying he liked “Sabrina’s” letter. He asked for a picture of her. Sure. No problem. I sent the one of Tara from the VV.

I do have more to write about, including a nice talk with Andy, but I’m just not in the mood now to write.

[aswrittenbyisa]

jan. 20, 2023: long story short...

Hi and welcome,

I haven't really sent many letters before, even though I've always loved the idea, and so I'm still trying to figure things out. Should I really do this? What should I even talk about? Why would anyone care? I don't think it really matters. I've never been much of a constant person, something I'm not proud to say in any way, and I got used to having phases being the one thing that never changed. I've had phases of hobbies, of favorite actresses, favorite music to listen to, phases of fashion choices and of inner disturbances. But writing is the one thing that's always been there, it's the only constant. Most of you even reading this know me because at some point I decided to write something, and otherwise we might have never met! Others know me not because of what I write, but you know me and I write, and it's one of those things where the two walk together, it is what it is.

Point of it is, writing is definitely one of the things that got me through the last year, and it's been mostly me writing in my room, be it like a poorly planned voiceover in my journal or a perfectly dramatic (and let's be real, camp) collection of characters that live in my head and dig around my thoughts, my feelings and memories and pick which ones they will dissect that day. Sadly, it's just so much easier for me to share through these fictional reveries than to actively talk to so many of you, and so I decided to share something personal with people that make my days better one way or another. Thanks for being here!

I mostly wanted to write this down, put it out on the world, let it be known: this last year was shit. I'm not a believer of good and bad years, by the way - I think it's bullshit. But I've truly never felt worse, and it's not something I think I could have changed. I guess I just had to feel these things. I had to look back and think of all that there was, and isn't here anymore... I thought it was nostalgia at first, and then realized it was something else. I was lonely, suffocatingly so, and when I realized, everything I did all year long was just this silly, giant attempt at keeping the things and the people that I miss close to me. I don't think this is something that will ever go away; it's kind of a part of me, the pain of grief, of not really knowing where to put all the love and the hopes I had of getting to know the people I already lost. I'll never see them again, they'll never know me for anyone other than who I was when they last saw me. And so this year was just this huge patchwork of unexpressed love; I found my grandma's old crochet needles, I made something out of it. It was nothing, now I can wear it outside. So many of the movies my uncle called me to talk about, we never really got to talk about. I saw some of them this year, who am I gonna talk to now that I did? Doesn't matter, I watched them now, I'll just keep that to myself. Also, my fucking dad, right? Where does he even fit in this? I was kind of robbed of all the anger I felt for him, I was robbed of the resentment of never having him around, because now he's gone. Who am I going to be angry with? This dead guy? Come on, I know me better than that. He just doesn't matter, he wasn't around... but he gave me a sister, and I'll forever be her big sister now. And that one day when dad came over, he had The Winner Takes it All playing on the car stereo, he knew I like ABBA. I'll never be angry to his face again, we'll never sing ABBA together in his car. I wrote him a letter before he passed but he never got to read it, and now this letter is all around me everywhere. I was just my past mes dancing in my bones and recoiling inside like, you're never getting rid of us. That's fine too. If I made it through this year, I should be fine.

Here's my 2023 manifestation board: I will be happy, I will be at peace, I will continue to make things with my hands that will prove to me that I'm still here, I'll watch even more movies, I'll cook for myself and my loved ones, I'll be gentle, I'll get a new job. I'll learn so many new things. Maybe I'll get bangs. Maybe I'll get a tattoo, even though I have no idea what I would even get. I'll definitely take better care of my health. I'll be at peace...

I'm really looking forward to changing things around in my life, and I really miss studying. I always think about that quote by Sylvia Plath where she talks about seeing her life as all these branches on a tree, and all possible choices lead to this beautiful fruit hanging from each branch, but she never picks one of those fruits to eat because choosing one means losing all others, and so all fruits rot and fall in front of her before she can make a choice... That's it, right? There's not a deadline to when I must make a decision and pick one fruit, one life road instead of all others... but standing still means seeing all options rot and fall. I'd love to move to a mountain's foot, write for a living, have an unholy amount of animals to care for; I'd love to become the next biggest name on fashion journalism, maybe take the chair of Anna Wintour in a few years; I'd love to write screenplays and make movies; I'd love to travel the world and write a recipes book of all the things I discover; I'd love to work at a flower shop, learn all about flowers; I'd looooove to study history and art and work at a library, or museum, study millennia-old things for a living. I'd love to be able to pick an option soon. Maybe by the end of the year I'll have made up my mind...

I hope the last year's been easier on you than it was on me, and have the best wishes in mind for the year to come. I don't think it's been any less than messy for all of us, with grief and heartbreak and fear all over, but the good news are here: Long story short... we survived.

Thanks for stopping by! Mwah!  Isa

[inkovert]

Reblogging this and sharing an update in case it helps someone else who runs into a similar issue :^)

Thank you to the people who responded and provided suggestions - they were much appreciated. I tried or considered a bunch more things but what ultimately ended up working for me was - the good ol' going analog solution.

I have a bunch of journals in my apartment that I have not touched because I'm one of those people that panics at the thought of messing up a pristine journal. But I just grabbed one, stepped away from my computer (mostly), sat down and stared into space. And tried really hard to pinpoint (1) what the problem was with my story, (2) what I was attempting to do to solve it and (3) why that wasn't working/(4) what would work better. I just physically wrote out all my thoughts. And it honestly helped me look at everything more broadly and figure out a way forward.

I am not a planner by any means (clearly) but have slowly grown into more of a plantser. And while I have a general idea of the big plot points or character moments in my story, *how* those things come about are largely unknown. And therein lies my issue :) While operating this way helps feed the part of me that likes having the creativity to figure things out as I go without being totally in the dark, it also leads to moments like the one I just experienced. But I'm glad I was able to work through it.

I've kind of been down on myself for the past month or so. Because over the course of 2 months I had written so many future chapters of where I thought the story would go (and had patted myself on the back thinking 'yay! I've been so prolific') before I went back to my "stuck spot" and realized I was still stuck. Cue several months of producing absolutely nothing and hitting a hard writing slump. And so part of me looked at all that writing I had done as "wasted time". But it wasn't. Unfortunately, that's all part of the writing journey. And as I'm moving forward from the Stuck Spot with my new ideas, I'm able to pause and go "I feel like I wrote this scene or line already" and mine through those several chapters for good, useful bits. So it wasn't all in vain, it never is. (although now my documents are a literal mess and in shambles because I am constantly rearranging things so there is that 😄 that will be fun to work through - but that's a future me problem)

ugh, help. I've been stuck at the same spot in the second draft of my novel for months and I don't know how to break past it.

I've tried the classic "write future chapters! you don't have to write your book in order!" approach (which has generated several future chapters but nothing satisfying enough to connect those to the previous Stuck Spot) and the other favorite "your problem is usually farther back than you think it is! (which led me to re-write the chapter before the Stuck Spot and I think I'm more satisfied with it than the other version). But I still can't write the chapter from the Stuck Spot onward. idk why. I've day dreamed multiple ways the chapter could go but nothing seems right enough to write, or I get to a point where the idea just stops in the middle of the chapter with no clue how the rest of it will go.

I've tried going back to my vague semblance of a drawing board but no dice. unsure what else I could do D:

[sorcessworld]

How to 'Feel It Real'

I had a spiral when I wrote this in my journal. That would've been a few days ago I think, possibly last year. I started to overcomplicate the idea of feeling it real and wondered if I was vainly affirmation etc. Luckily, as soon as I commanded myself that I'd receive some guidance/help on this, I got 1) a lecture of Neville's on youtube (I don't search manifesting stuff on that acc so I wasn't prepped for that lmao) 2) a quote on my dash that really helped me see my way, 3) the same person I helped a long time ago reminding me of my own words back when I didn't keep a journal. and 4) @sexyandhedonistic taking the time to share how she approached it from her beginner stages as I had gone ahead and asked on her ask blog! Again, thank you Hera!

1. What is 'Feeling It Real'.

According to Neville; FEELING IT REAL is the acceptance of the desire fulfilled. It is a feeling of thankfulness that it is done. Once you accept that thankfulness, you persist in this & knowing it is done. That's it. So really, KNOWING IT REAL is what you should try doing as you could not feel thankful if you didn't know it was done.

“When I speak of feeling I do not mean emotion, but acceptance of the fact that the desire is fulfilled. Feeling grateful, fulfilled, or thankful, it is easy to say, “Thank You,” “Isn’t it wonderful!” or “It is finished.” When you get into the state of thankfulness, you can either awaken knowing it is done or fall asleep in the feeling of the wish fulfilled.” – Neville Goddard,

2. How do you accept the feeling?

Someone asked me this a long time ago, actually. I forgot all about it since they were just asking for my understanding of the 4D and the 3D. Of course, I didn't apply it and ended up losing it. Either way, I explained it like this:

“That adrenaline you feel when you first think of having something is the moment your 4D processed it and got it. The feeling tends to fizzle into something more 'default', and if left alone, your 3D produces it. But I've learned this process isn't automatic if you're not thinking like that. Your 4D accepts everything and gets it, but your conscious self in the 3D? You also have to accept what it is about to give you.” – golden,

Breaking this down, I'd say: To accept the feeling, you've got to consciously accept that your subconscious has already manifested it for you. Your subconscious mind answers yes to everything, but you are the filter.

Okay, that's great and all, but does that help with knowing, specifically, so that you can feel? Yes, it does, but first. You've got to look at why you don't know. Why it's hard for you to know. What are the invisible truths of this world that you don't see, ever, but you know? If there are things you've never gone up in a lab and see, but it makes sense to you: the problem isn't necessarily that you're a logical thinker. You're simply not giving yourself the approval to believe in what you're reading. Your limiting belief may be that it's too good to be true, or that people or even Neville, Florence, Joseph etc. are simply lying to make a few bucks off a few suckers. That is why you don't know.

And yet, you stay and consume, more and more because you want to believe. A desire is a reality waiting to be fulfilled. Stop trying to manifest, start reading what you SHOULD be reading (so many loa accs recommend again and again what to look for just search their blog seriously don't be that person) and give yourself the chance to believe, then APPLY.

3. How do you persist in the feeling?

As Neville said, you would look away from your current limits and put your attention chiefly on what you desire to have/be. In your imagination/attention, claim that thing which you desired as yours. This would not be all you do with yourself though, as you are now thinking from the end. I stg that link is very important. Use it.

For example: 1. So, now you've manifested your SP always answering your messages with what you want to see.

2. Instead of constantly seeing your message left on read, you would remind yourself that your SP always blows up your phone (however you like, visualise, affirm or whatever).

3. Now LET IT GO. You would not entertain any thought that challenges this (it's okay if you do but don't dwell on it, but let it go.) But you wouldn't hyperfixate on this itty bitty affirmation omg. Do you have any hobbies? Homework, plans to go out, exercise, go fucking live, please. (that came off aggressively but it's true, we often forget to live our beautiful lives. If you don't think your life isn't beautiful in ANY capacity, please work on your self-concept. Even if your life is shitty, the fact that you are changing and you know it will change for the better is BEAUTIFUL.)

One thing I like to do IF I'm visualizing is treat visualization like I'm bilocating, and try to feel all my imaginary senses, then go live out what I want until I'm satisfied. I also love listening to music, so I might have a playlist that deeply connects to what I want, kind of like a vision board, but auditory. I've got a self-concept on yt since I listen to a lot of mashups, when it's bigger I'll drop it.

4. Hera's tip.

I messaged her on her ask blog, and I told her: I struggle w vanity/belief because I feel like I'm 'outside' of my manifestation when I'm manifesting it. Kind of like an imposter or like I'm behind a glass wall and looking in. Even when it feels satisfying/good.

She responded with this: What really put it into perspective for me was both reading Neville and reading success stories. When I first started off, I struggled a lot with doubt and I often questioned whether the law was real or not because it felt too good to be true. Sometimes I felt just a tiny little bit phony and fraudulent because I had so many questions and had yet to spot the changes in my life.

My CURIOSITY and FAITH in the law felt a little risky at first but it’s what got me through. PERSISTENCE is key. I didn’t give up and I made sure to learn about the law of assumption every day. The more I read Neville and how he explained the principles of the law the more I understood and grew comfortable with it. It cleared up so many of my doubts and the success stories of his students reminded me that I, too, could do all of that and more.

I was also reading the success stories Angel was receiving daily from her followers which only motivated me more and more.

WHAT WORKED BEST FOR ME was to constantly immerse myself in Neville’s teachings daily because when I was inconsistent I tended to go back to square one and feel indifferent and not that powerful.

I've since started listening to Neville in the morning and reading success stories when I have free time. I've persisted in learning about the Law and I'm beginning to cultivate my belief so I can avoid this kind of spiral. It's honestly worked wonders for me and I've already manifested something I considered big when I first started doing this.

– golden, 🌈

[souichioneshots]

Passing Notes 【Souichi x Reader Fluff】

Summary: You and Souichi had never really spoken before. But after getting new seats, you two start to exchange notes with one another.

It all started when the new semester started and everyone was assigned new seats.

The class had been proceeding the same as always when suddenly a folded-up piece of paper landed on Souichi’s desk.

Opening it up he saw the words,

Y/N: Sorry, but what page are we on?

Turning to the side where the paper came from, he saw you. You had turned towards him, but weren't looking directly at him.

You and Souichi had never really spoken to one another before. Thinking about it now, Souichi had never seen you talk to anyone before. The only time you spoke was when the teacher called on you to answer a problem. Other than that you were silent, always hiding in your own shadow as you tried to avoid interacting with people.

Writing the page number under your words, he slid the paper back onto your desk. Giving him a small bow as a thank you, you quickly turned to the assigned page.

From that day on, you would pass notes to Souichi whenever the teacher wasn't looking.

Although most of the notes you passed him were brief and casual, today you started off by asking him a heavy question.

Y/N: What do boys like?

Souichi squinted in confusion as he looked down at the note. What kind of question was that?

Turning his head to the side, he looked at you. You were looking down at the worksheet on your desk, trying your best to focus on the problems written on it.

Souichi sighed deeply as he looked back at the note. He noisily moved the nails around in his mouth as he thought to himself.

Are you trying to figure out a way to approach a guy? How is he supposed to answer that? The question is way too broad.

Scribbling on the back of the paper, he poked your elbow and handed it back to you.

S: Everyone is different. If it’s a guy you like, you should just ask him yourself.

Ripping another piece of paper from your journal, you wrote back.

Y/N: But I’ve never actually talked to him before… S: Love at first sight type of thing?

Suddenly, you shoved the paper into your bag and turned away from Souichi. The conversation between the two of you ended there.

Souichi couldn’t help but wonder that night why you thought it would be a good idea to ask him such a thing. Although he didn’t have social anxiety like you, he certainly wasn’t popular or qualified enough to answer such questions. But still, he felt proud that you thought so highly of him.

When the next day came, you immediately started to pass Souichi notes.

Y/N: Do you like cookie straws? S: I’ve never had one before. Y/N: I have some. Is strawberry okay? S: Yeah! I love strawberry!

When lunch came, you reached into your bag and pulled out a small pink package.

Scribbling onto a piece of paper, you handed both to the pale boy.

Y/N: These are from my home country. They’re my favorite. I hope you like them too…

Just as Souichi was about to verbally thank you, you got up from your seat and walked out of the classroom.

He'll just have to thank you later.

After finishing his own bento, Souichi opened the package. He was surprised when the delicious smell of strawberry filled the air around him.

“Woah. These are really good!” Souichi said to himself as he ate the sweet snack in big bites.

Before he knew it, he had eaten all 10 cookie straws in one go.

When lunch finally came to an end, you walked back into the classroom.

Sliding a piece of paper onto your desk, Souichi gave you a smile.

S: Thanks for the cookies. They were super good.

You gave Souichi a small bow and placed the note into your bag.

As the class went on, you didn’t make any attempts to pass him any more notes. Souichi rested his head in his hand as he looked at you. His eyes looked you up and down as you continued to write in your notebook.

Now that he got a good look at you, you were actually kind of cute. Because you were a foreigner, you stood out like a sore thumb, but not necessarily in a bad way. Maybe that’s why you felt anxious about hanging out with people so much?

Souichi tensed up a bit as you suddenly turned and look at him.

Pulling your notebook up, you showed him what you had been doing.

Souichi quickly put his hand up to his mouth, trying to stifle his laughter as he looked upon a drawing you had done. It was the homeroom teacher hanging from the ceiling as he continued to ‘teach’ the class. Even though it was just a sketch, the detail was amazing.

Ripping out a piece of paper from his own notebook, he passed you a note.

S: You’re really good at drawing. What else can you draw?

He could see a small blush appear on your cheeks as you read his note.

Taking out a new piece of paper, you moved your textbook in a way that hindered Souichi from seeing what you were doing.

When you finished, you folded the paper half and passed it to him.

Souichi’s eyes widened in surprise as he opened it up to see a picture of him. You had drawn him in his current uniform, but with a long vampire cape. The nails in his mouth had been replaced real vampire fangs, making him look like the vampire he always wanted to be.

Souichi couldn’t help but stare at the drawing. It was the most amazing thing he had ever received.

He didn’t exactly know how to thank you, but he needed to give you something in return.

As the class was coming to an end, Souichi handed you one last note.

S: If you want to talk with the guy you like, why not try greeting him in the morning?

It wasn’t much, but it was a start. It would help you break the ice with the guy you liked and even help cure your social anxiety too.

You looked down at the note with emotionless eyes. When the final bell rang, you shoved it into your bag and quickly made your way out of the class.

As the next day came, Souichi noticed that you had arrived before him today.

He gave you a small bow as he sat down in his seat next to you. However, you didn’t bow back. Instead, you turned towards him and rubbed your wrist with your hand. Your mouth moved in small motions, but no words came out. Not that he could hear at least.

Not able to understand what you had just said, Souichi tiled his head to the side in confusion. He was expecting you to try to speak again, but you just turned to the other side and, taking out a random textbook from your desk, pretended to read from it.

The entire time the class went on, you hadn’t tried to pass him any more notes again.

Had something happened between you and the guy you liked? Maybe you finally talked to him?

Souichi suddenly started to feel irritated as he thought about how you might be trying to throw him away now that your social anxiety was slowly being cured.

When cleaning duty came, you and Souichi had been assigned to eraser cleaning duty.

You had kept your distance from Souichi most of the time, but as people started to slowly leave the classroom, you walked up to him.

Bringing a piece of white chalk up to the blackboard, you wrote in tiny letters.

Y/N: Can I call you by your first name?

You placed the chalk down and stared at the words, waiting for the raven-haired boy to respond.

Taking the chalk into his own hands, Souichi wrote back.

S: Sure

Wrapping your hand around your wrist, you started to nervously rub it again. You tried to look up at the boy, but your eyes quickly looked in a different direction when his eyes met yours.

“……Souichi…”

Souichi’s face suddenly felt warm as you whispered his name.

Taking the chalk back into your hand again, you quickly wrote.

Y/N: You can call me by my first name. It’s Y/N.

He already knew your first name. There was no need to remind him.

“Y/N.”

You jolted at the sound of your name coming from the tall boy beside you.

Quickly grabbing an eraser, you erased the writing and ran to the open window. Souichi laughed as a huge cloud of chalk dust surrounded you, causing you to go into a small coughing fit.

He was happy that you actually tried to talk to him. Even if it was just you saying his name and running away in embarrassment.

When the day finally came to an end, Souichi noticed that you hadn’t gotten out of your seat yet. You stayed as still as possible until you two were the only ones left in the classroom.

He was going to write you a note to ask what was wrong, but he stopped when you turned towards him.

You brought your hands up to your desk and pushed your body up, almost as if you were about to leave. But then you suddenly sat back down again.

You had also wrapped your hand around your wrist for a second, however, you quickly pulled it away when you looked at the boy sitting next to you.

You looked extremely nervous.

Taking a deep breath, you spoke in a calm but slightly loud voice.

“Good morning!”

Souichi’s eyes widened in surprise as his cheeks burned red. He finally understood everything that had been going on with you.

Unsure how to respond, he just continued to look at your ever-worsening anxious expression.

Suddenly you pushed yourself off your seat and grabbed your bag. Souichi moved from his own seat as you walked to the door of the classroom.

Rushing towards you, he put his hand out and grabbed the strap of your bag, stopping you from going any further.

His heart raced as he looked into your eyes and responded.

“…Good morning.”

[a-iya]

hiii omg sorry things got super hectic towards the end of the work week and then i spent the weekend recouping and now it's literally been almost a week since you wrote this 😭

i'm surprised you weren't a movie person until you got into anime! i've always loved going to the theaters and it sucks how expensive tickets have gotten in recent years... especially with "special types" of showings like anime! even though i live in a place where anime is actually quite popular. it's so funny, i actually got super into anime because i took a chance on watching an anime movie in theaters (demon slayer mugen train back in 2021). i was hanging out with a friend; there was a movie she wanted to watch that i already watched and vice versa, so we decided to watch demon slayer since neither of us had seen it but we'd both heard good things about it (were not anime fans at the time). i ended up getting so emotionally attached to rengoku that i went back and PAID to watch it in theaters another 3 times after. movies are such an experience and they're so fun to go to! i guess it also depends on what genres you enjoy but i would definitely go more often if i had more free time (and it also wasn't so expensive nowadays ugh)

so you and your sister also have an age gap! my sister and i are 5 years apart so i think i understand the struggle, especially if you don't see your sister around that much because you've always been in different phases in your lives. it's great that you discovered interests on your own though. now that i'm thinking about it, i've come to realize that i've only ever developed interests in things that other people have introduced me to first; i don't really go out of my way to find out about new things. character flaw i suppose 😭 thank you i'm actually going to write this down, this could be a topic of interest once i decide to start going to therapy again lmao

you've watched so much anime! not me thinking i've watched a lot when i literally could not hold a candle to your list (i have 22, 1 of which i'm still trying to find the will to keep watching) 🤡 it's so cute that you have your list in a notebook too. you have no idea how many attempts i've made at being a journal/planner girl. try as i may, i'm just not built like that 😔 i'm also a lame anime-only type because i don't have the attention span/patience and i cannot be bothered to read words or manga 🥲 i somehow always run into spoilers online though (and/or look them up myself cause it makes me anxious to not know what happens 💀) so i've given up on trying to be spoiler-free as an anime only lmao

also i know the main point of your anime list was obviously which anime you've watched but i couldn't help but notice on your profile that your birthday is actually before mine! i thought we might've been birthday neighbors kinda (since i was somewhat stalking your blog to see if i really did miss it or if you just didn't make it a whole big thing lol), but it's right after my fav character, cinnamoroll's <3

anyway, now i'm wondering if the anime list site is better than my personal spreadsheet and if i should make a profile of my own. on one hand, it's nice to see everything neatly compiled into different categories and view all your stats and fav characters and VAs in one place. but on the other hand, i'm really strict about what i consider to be "watched" and what i don't, and i care a lot about logging things correctly (e.g. i don't want something to be marked as completed on jun 10, 2024 when i finished it in may of 2022 💀). but i don't really care for rating animes and i also don't like if they separate different parts of one show because of their release type (e.g. the haikyuu is part of the haikyuu show, it's not a separate thing just because it came out as a movie 😭)

yikes okay clearly i am very anal and particular so i will just stop here but back to haikyuu: i am hoping i have the opportunity to sloth this week and binge watch the 4 seasons + movies + other but honestly i'm not sure if i'll be able to before the theaters stop showing the movie ;-; i've been trying to start but my timing up till now hasn't been right. i guess we will see! i'll definitely be in your inbox once i start to get familiar with the show! <3

Hiii ＼(ﾟ∀ﾟ)／

Sooo what do you think about the Haikyuu! Movie without knowing anime? 😀

(I'm sending this ask to discuss our impressions in the comments (and recommend this series a bit haha)

Have a nice day ♡

hiiii!! i didn't realize this was going to become a full-on essay so 💀 apologies in advance for the long-windedness. i don't blame you if you don't feel like reading all the way through lmao (there is a tl;dr at the end if that's the case)

my sister actually got into haikyuu after S1 (pretty much a decade ago at this point 😭) so i've at least known about it and understood the gist of it for a while now. i myself didn't get into anime until a few years ago though! so i've been slowly building up my watch catalog. normally i like funny animes so haikyuu definitely fits the criteria, but due to the fact that 1) it's a sports anime 2) i have very little interest in sports and 3) there would be a LOT of episodes to catch up on, it's just been sitting in my to-watch list for years lmaooo

as i started to follow more people on tumblr, i also started to see more haikyuu content, so i recognized some characters just by their appearance (hinata [obviously], but also kenma, kageyama, and atsumu miya [the guy with the undercut, who i don't remember seeing in the movie]). but anyway, my sister had been saying she wanted to watch the movie once it came out. and over the weekend, i happened to see a lot of people posting about going to watch the movie so i told her we should go! and so we did!

the movie was so hilarious and i thoroughly enjoyed watching!! the rivalry between the 2 teams was sooo funny. i knew i was going to like the movie, but it did end up being a little bit fast-paced for me cause i basically dived in with like. 0.4 background,,,, like ya girl was strUGgLinG trying to keep up. but that's no one's fault but my own 😔 i was kind of hoping it'd be like the demon slayer mugen train movie (which is actually what got me into anime! but that's besides the point). where the premise would be simple enough that you wouldn't need that much context before watching. i knew the movie would basically be just one really long volleyball game so i figured it would be fine. alas, i was wrong 😭 i don't know the rules of the game or any of the characters/their positions so it was all i could do to just watch and try to understand everything as it was happening ;-;

another thing i wanna mention is that now that i've long since graduated from my "beginner weeb" phase and become a full-on weeb, i'm familiar with a lot of voices and voice actors so it's difficult for me to see new characters and their voice actors (that i already know from somewhere else) as one entity 🤔 i'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense ><

for example: the whole time we were watching the movie, i felt like kenma sounded a lot like yuki kaji (who voices shoto [mha] and eren [aot])?? but also didn't at the same time. it was bothering me the whole 2 hours but i looked it up after it was over and i was right 😩

i also immediately recognized kuro as gojo [jjk]/hawks [mha]/greed [fma]; so kuro wasn't even kuro to me, he was just a volleyball au gojo with a completely different look 😭 i feel like that kind of gets in the way of my viewing experience personally, because i couldn't pause and think about where i know this voice from (like i usually do when i start a new anime). but it bOThERs mE because it's like on the tip of my tongue and my mind caNnOT rEST until i confirm my suspicions 😩

anyway, going in, the only people i knew about were like. hinata and kageyama... and it was surface-level knowledge at best. but i've seen kenma around enough where i recognized his character design so i thought i might like him. and he ended up being super cute!! i loved him, but i also really loved kuro (he is very handsome 🥰) and the tall glasses guy from karasuno. he was funny as fuck. but i'm definitely interested in watching the show to see what other lovable goofs the story has to offer. i'm always on the hunt for more blorbos

tl;dr basically i loved the movie, i thought it was really funny; now i have to actually watch the show so i can really enjoy the experience the movie had to offer. the production was honestly great. my sister wants me to get caught up so we can watch it again while it's still in theaters lmao. we'll have to see about that... the first 2 seasons are 25 eps each and then there are at least a few more seasons (even if they are less eps) after that 💀 when i got into mha last year, i was able to blast through 6 seasons within a week,,, but that costed me 3 full days worth of binge-watching and several work nights to catch up 😩 idk if i can do that again

thank you for the ask and interacting with me 🥺🫶 i know your day just started so i hope it goes well!! have a nice rest of the week also <3

[shemarmooresfedora]

Rebuilding Family

Summary: Y/N and Spencer were college sweethearts at Cal-Tech but once Spencer got accepted to the FBI Academy, he ended things deciding it was not fair to make Y/N wait for him. When they meet again years later, he discovers something unexpected.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

A/N: THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. PURE FLUFF AHEAD!!!

Masterlist

Chapter 24

The doorbell rang Friday night as you were popping popcorn in the microwave for family movie night.

“I’ll get it,” you called out, walking to the front door.

You opened it to see Penelope standing there. She immediately grabbed your hand and started tugging.

“You’re coming with me, soon-to-be Mrs. Reid,” she tried to drag you out of the house.

“Spencer! Code pink! Code pink!” you yelled.

You heard Spencer dashing towards the front door.

“You’re not taking her anywhere,” Spencer wrapped his arm around your waist.

“It’s bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other the day of the wedding,” Penelope stomped her high heel in protest.

“Yes, we knew you would say that so we bought these,” you and Spencer held up sleep masks, “Me and Spence will put these on before we go to bed. I’ll set my alarm 15 minutes before his so I will be up and out of the room, headed to Rossi’s before he even sees me. No bad luck and I still get to sleep with my fiancé, everyone’s happy!”

“I should have known you guys would find a loophole. You even had a whole code name,” Penelope huffed.

“I’m sorry, Pen,” you laughed, “I will see you in the morning.”

You gave her a big hug before she returned to her car.

“A brilliant idea if I do say so myself, Dr. Reid,” you grinned.

He leaned down to kiss you as Jo shouted “you’re missing Nemo.”

-

Beep. Beep. Beep.

You fumbled to swipe your phone alarm off without actually being able to see it.

Once you got it off, you felt Spencer’s arms tighten around you.

“Keep that blindfold on, mister,” you demanded.

“Don’t go,” he mumbled.

“Do you not want us to get married today?” you teased.

You felt Spencer’s arms slowly retract from around you after giving you one final squeeze.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” you giggled.

“Bye, love you,” he tried to kiss you but ended up kissing your nose.

You put your hand flat on his face to find his lips and then guided yourself to them.

“I can not wait to marry you,” you whispered after pulling away.

“10 hours,” he whispered back and you could feel his smile as you went in for another kiss.

You slowly got out of bed and crawled towards the door to avoid hitting anything. However, you slammed your head right into the door.

“Ouch!” you rubbed the top of your head.

Spencer sat up in bed, still with his blindfold on, “Love, are you okay?”

“Yep, I found the door,” you laughed, “I will see you at the aisle.”

“I can not wait to be reduced to a blubbering, crying mess in front of my closest friends and family,” Spencer smiled.

You felt around for the door knob and opened it, taking off your blindfold once you were out of the room. You picked up your bag that you had set outside your door with all of your skincare and makeup before heading out the door to Rossi’s.

By the time you had gotten there, the driveway was full of trucks and vans dropping off decorations and setting up the canopy and tables.

The second you rang the doorbell, you were pulled inside by JJ and Emily who were already in their dresses.

“You both look gorgeous!” you exclaimed as they dragged you up the stairs.

“Here’s a muffin,” JJ said as she sat you down.

Emily was already assessing your hair and combing it out.

“Penelope told us what you did last night,” Emily smiled, “I think it was extremely adorable.”

JJ nodded in agreement as she pulled the makeup products out of your bag.

“I would just feel weird if I was away from him for a night now since we are so used to being right next to each other. Speaking of Pen, where is she?” you asked.

“She needed to make sure they put the lattice trellis in the right place so the sun would set directly behind it,” JJ informed you.

You and Spencer would be getting married in front of a lattice trellis covered in vines and an assortment of flowers right at sunset.

“What would I do without her and you guys?” you laughed.

-

Spencer groggily answered the door to see Derek standing there, holding both of their tuxes.

“Ready to get married, Pretty Boy?” he grinned.

“Yes,” Spencer rubbed his eyes to wipe away the tiredness, “Let me wake Jo up.”

Spencer walked back up the stairs and opened Jo’s door, sitting at the edge of her bed.

“Time to get up, Princess,” he whispered, “You get to wear your new dress today.”

Jo’s eyes shot open and she got out from underneath the covers, revealing she was already in fact in her dress.

“You got up already?” Spencer laughed, picking her up.

“I tricked you, Daddy,” she giggled.

“Yes, you did,” Spencer smiled, “There’s someone here to see you.”

“Uncle Derek!” Jo exclaimed.

“Jo!” Derek shouted, accepting the little girl into his arms, “Well, don’t you look nice. Auntie Penelope was telling me how excited she is to do your hair later.”

Jo nodded enthusiastically.

“You get ready,” Derek pushed the tux into Spencer’s arms, “I’ll get Jo breakfast.”

-

You stood at the back of the line in front of the glass double doors leading out to Rossi’s backyard.

As the violins and piano began to softly play, you heard Penelope say, “Jo, go see your Dad.”

The doors opened to let Jo out, holding her basket of white rose petals.

You sneakily watched from a nearby window as Jo took her job very seriously, throwing a handful of petals every other step and then taking a seat in the front row next to Henry and Will.

JJ, Emily, and Penelope all proceeded down the aisle one by one, standing on the opposite side of Derek and Rossi who were standing next to Spencer.

You ran back from the window to in front of the doors, grabbing your bouquet from the table. You had decided to walk down the aisle alone. Your parents were in the audience here to support you but you were your own woman, you didn’t need to be “given away” to Spencer.

The doors opened for the final time and you stepped out. Spencer turned to face you and you could see the tears already glistening in his eyes.

You smiled and mouthed ‘I love you’ as you walked down the aisle and he mouthed ‘I love you too’ as the tears quickly began to form in your eyes as well.

You took your spot in front of Spencer and Jo waved to you both which elicited a small chuckle from the crowd.

“Hi, baby,” you waved back.

You don’t even think Spencer noticed because his eyes were laser-focused on you.

“Shall we begin?” Hotch asked and you both nodded.

“I would like to thank everyone for being here to help Y/N and Spencer celebrate this special day in which they attest to their love for one another. Spencer, would you like to read your vows first?”

Spencer nodded, “I have never admitted this to her until now but the first time I spoke to Y/N is because I offered her a sweatshirt. I actually brought that sweatshirt to the library with me that day, hoping the pretty girl who was always shivering would finally have a reason to acknowledge me. That was the single best decision of my life. Unfortunately, a little over a year later, I made the single worst decision of my life by letting you go,” Spencer started to get choked up, “I honestly think my ‘genius’ title should be taken away for that alone. Somehow, I was graced with the opportunity to come back into your life even though I didn’t deserve it. And your life now revolved around one particular little girl that I grew to love more than I thought was ever possible. So, I just wanted to say scientists learn from their mistakes so while I can’t promise I won’t make any more in the future, I can tell you for sure that I will never let go again.”

“Oh wow,” you sniffled, taking a kleenex and your little journal from Penelope, “How am I supposed to top that?”

“I really don’t care what you have to say, you marrying me is more than enough,” he whispered.

“Oh my god, you’re still coming up with better vows than me on the spot,” you whispered back.

“Much like Spencer, I also wrote about our first encounters in college. Spencer and I quickly formed an unspoken agreement that we would always meet at the same table in the library. One night, when he was taking the time to repeatedly explain to me a calculus concept I just wasn’t getting even though I knew he had a paper due tonight, I thought to myself ‘this one is too good to let get away’. So at our next meeting, I ordered takeout from his favorite restaurant and set up a little dinner for us. It was all worth it when I saw him walk in with his textbooks only to be soon lost for words when I asked him if he would go on a date with me. I never really dated anyone in the time we were apart, I just had this feeling that our story was far from over and I’m so so glad that feeling was right. I promise I will never stop loving you, no matter what, because I don’t think I could even if I tried” you stated.

“Spencer, with this ring, do you take Y/N to love and to hold, to cherish and respect her in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, from this day forward?” Hotch asked.

“I do,” Spencer smiled as you slipped the band on to his ring finger.

“Y/N, with this ring, do you take Spencer to love and to hold, to cherish and respect him in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, from this day forward?” Hotch repeated.

“Absolutely I do.”

Spencer slipped the ring on your finger.

“By the power vested in me by the state of Virginia, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,” Hotch smiled.

Spencer cupped your cheeks, pulling you as close as he could and kissing you deeply. Everyone cheered as you both interlocked your hands and headed down the aisle.

As soon as you were inside, Spencer pulled you in for a more passionate, sloppy kiss.

“I didn’t want an audience for that,” he grinned, pulling you back in.

“Bleh,” you heard Derek say, who had Penelope on his arm, “Do you guys need to go home already?”

“No, we can wait a few more hours,” you giggled but Spencer whined.

JJ and Will had offered to take Jo for the night so you and Spencer had the house to yourself. You had opted for just spending one night away from Jo rather than a long honeymoon. You were going to take a family vacation all together instead.

A few minutes later, you heard Penelope and Derek announce on the microphone, “Now introducing for the first time ever, Dr. and Mrs. Reid!”

You exited the glass doors once again, holding you and Spencer's interlocked hands up in the air as everyone cheered under the big white canopy with fairy lights.

“Please clear the dance floor for their first dance together as husband and wife,” Penelope smiled.

Bloom by The Paper Kites faded in as Spencer’s arms wrapped around your waist. You rested your head against his chest and wrapped your hands around the back of his neck.

You felt him rubbing small circles on your side with his thumb as he planted a kiss on the top of your head.

“I love you so much, my husband,” you whispered.

“I love you more, my wife,” he smiled.

You swayed gently back and forth until the music faded out. Spencer leaned down and kissed you as you stopped swaying. You completely forgot you were in front of an audience until you pulled away from Spencer and the crowd erupted into a cheer.

You looked into the audience to see Diana twirling Jo around in a circle. Luckily, an aid was able to bring her on such short notice.

After everyone had enjoyed the banquet, Hotch and Emily took the microphone this time.

“Time for the cutting of the cake!” they cheered.

You and Spencer both stood from the main table to go get the first pieces. You both held the knife together, cutting out two pieces.

You grabbed the plate that your slice was on and gently shoved it into Spencer’s nose, laughing as he pulled the plate away, his face covered in white frosting.

“You think that’s funny?” he grinned, grabbing his piece and pressing it into your face.

You continued your giggling fit as he cut another piece.

“Princess, come here!” he called out.

Jo ran up, eager to get a first taste of the cake and you and Spencer pressed another piece right into her face.

Jo stuck her tongue out and licked some off her face, “It tastes good,” she smiled as you and Spencer continued to laugh.

[faeri-meadow]

Keep calm (Awesamdude x reader)

Okay! Enjoy psycho Dream and protective Sam!

TW: Attempted murder via choking, heaving.

While in any other situation quiet was calming, at this moment it was thick and uncomfortable. I was making my way through Pandora’s vault, going through all of the processes the warden gave me. I felt weak due to the potions and the haste, but continued on, I had to. I saw the wall of lava and watched as the lava stopped flowing, I stepped onto the platform and followed it to the main cell holding one of the worst people I’ve ever known. I stepped off the platform and watched as the lava once again flowed, not looking at the prisoner until I could no longer see Sam. “Ah, Sam told me I was getting a visitor, but I would have never guessed it’d be you (Y/N).” I slowly turned around, hands held behind my back, “Hmm, I suppose it is slightly out of character for me, but I thought it was time.” I took this time to take in his appearance, him doing the same in return. His hair was long, some parts matted, and his uniform was utterly disgusting, having several spots of XD knows what. What caught my attention most was his mask, it was nearly destroyed, and yet still held a portion of that ugly smile. “So, Dream, how have you been?” he motioned around the room with a wide, psychotic grin, “Wonderful! I’ve got all the journals I could ever want and a clock! ” I nodded, walking around the room, taking in the dark scenery to the best of my ability, “Looks cozy.”

 His grin only widened, showing his unnaturally long canines, “So! To what do I owe the pleasure of being in your presence (Y/N)? ” During my look around, he kept trying to walk closer to me, like a predator. “Did little Sammy talk you into seeing me? That would definitely be a surprise given the fact that whenever I’d ask for him to send a message to you, he would refuse. ” I looked at him with an unamused expression, “No, for your information I was genuinely curious as to how you’ve been. The warden has nothing to do with my visit. If you would prefer me to leave, however, I will gladly do so. “I turned around and started towards the lava wall, shouting for Sam to bring me back. I could hear the button to stop the lava be switched, but then there was a hand around my throat. “Oh no, no, no, I never said I wanted you to leave (Y/N), why don’t you stay a bit longer~” I clawed at his hand that tightened around my neck, the thought of just taking his last life crossed my mind, no, Tommy deserves his last life, not me. All I could do was watch as the lava sank slowly, waiting to see those green eyes on the other side. Before I could see them though a trident was thrown through the lava, piercing Dreams arm as well as nicking mine, the force driving us both into the back wall. The hand keeping me from breathing never left my neck, in fact, it got even tighter, “Release them.” I heard his voice before I saw his face, venom laced his tone. My heart pounded in my ears as my vision was fading, I could however make out my savior's form walking towards us, smoke leaking from his mask, green irises practically glowing against the blacks of his eyes. Then, everything, unfortunately went dark.

The next time I woke it was dark outside and I was in my house laying in my bed. I looked around to the best of my ability, the pain in my neck almost making the action impossible and saw nothing out of the ordinary. I sat up, albeit slowly, and lightly touched my neck, yanking my hand back when a wave of pain crashed over my body causing me to double over and heave. The door was thrown open and a hand was placed on my back rubbing it lightly, “You should lay back down, you’ve been through a lot (Y/N). “I tilted my head to see who was speaking, already having a good idea. Green irises stared at me as Sam helped me lie back down, his touch gentle. “Here, this should help your bruises and your arm.” He pulled out a bottle that held a pink fizzy liquid, a healing potion. I downed the potion quickly, waiting for the pain in my throat to fade away, I tried to utter a thank you, but I couldn’t speak. “It would be best if you didn’t speak until your bruises heal, it could cause trauma to your vocal cords. “He then let out a sigh and kneeled by the side of my bed, grabbing my hand and resting his forehead on my arm, “I’m sorry, I should have known he would do something. I should have been quicker. “I tightened my grip on his hand and slightly sat up motioning towards my neck, him being one step ahead of me pulled out a pen and journal from his inventory, handing it to me. It wasn’t your fault, I knew he would try something, I just didn’t want to risk taking his last life. I showed him the journal, giving him a warm smile, “It is though, he’s been asking for you, I can only assume to try and get to me. “I couldn’t help the confusion that laced my expression, practically begging him to continue, “I don’t think it is a secret that I care for you, especially after today's events. I think Dream saw right through my act, and while I hate the situation you had to be put into for me to finally admit this, I am happy that I told you. “

I let go of his hand and cupped his cheek, making him look at me. I pointed towards the mask that covered his face with my free hand and gave a silent request for him to take it off. He complied, unclipping the mask and letting it fall onto the bed, both of us just taking in the others features. His face itself was pale-ish, but it faded to a green on the edges, his ears pointed with the green covering the tips as well. There were freckles covering his face as well, different shades of green all standing out in the dark room. His eyes however are where my attention was caught once again, bright green irises sitting in dark black pools. I pulled his face close to mine and placed a kiss on his forehead, turning to write in the journal once more. When I tried to pull my hand away though, Sam held it in its place, rubbing his face into it. I released an airy laugh and wrote without the second hand, I tried to hide how I felt if I’m being honest, I didn’t think you wanted a relationship because of your job and those who may be after you, I didn’t want to be a burden. I once again showed him the journal, only for him to take it out of my hands when he was done reading. He held both sides of my face gently, my hand still cupping his, and leaned forward, “You are not a burden, never were, never will be. I know you are strong, I know what you are capable of. I don’t want you thinking that you have to hide anything to protect me.” Tears were gathering in my eyes as he held eye contact with me, when they fell, he was there to catch them and rub them away. He glanced down for a moment before coming to a conclusion and placing his lips onto mine. It was soft, as if he was worried he’d hurt me more, and yet it held all of the unspoken words that swirled around us both. When we parted, he placed his forehead onto mine, “We can protect each other, if you would like.” I opened my eyes and nodded, and then patted the spot next to me, allowing him to crawl under the covers. I slowly turned onto my side as Sam pulled me to his chest and started playing with his hair. We both let out content sighs at the peaceful atmosphere and started to doze off, “I love you (Y/N).” I cracked open my eyes and looked at him once more before giving him a peck on the lips and snuggling further into his chest. His chest rumbled as he let out a soft laugh, “I’ll take that as an ‘I love you too’.” I nodded to the best of my ability with my face being hidden in his shirt and we both fell asleep in each other's arms.

AN- Sorry it’s shorter than my other posts! I hope you enjoyed it!