#thank God it’s Sunday and I can laze around all day

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 1996 Something happened that totally drove all desires to have a kid away, but I’ll get into it some other time. All I can say now is thank God that God and Tom won’t allow Tom to cum. Never will I have to worry about the hassle of birth control or its side effects.

Once again, I see that compensation really does exist. This has been a painless period and so far I haven’t needed any Ibuprofen, whereas my last period was a killer.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 1996 Andy’s gonna be calling any second. I just called him to see when he wants me to have his apron ready for him to pick up and he was watching Xena.

It’s hard to believe it only took me 18 days to fill up this book. (just about) If it weren’t for my constantly writing about the issue of Tom’s lying about the kid and how I feel about that and our weird sex life, I’d probably be 20-30 journals behind.

Later…

I guess Evie really isn’t into letter-writing as I thought she was, but I forgive her. She’s got a kid. Therefore, she hasn’t exactly got the time to type many letters and with what little time she does have, I’m sure she’d prefer to send letters to her family in Indiana.

Andy called back and it looks like I may be going over there Tuesday night to finish the cat. Or try to anyway.

In 20 minutes, the movie I’m taping will be over. I try to tape as many movies as I can here and there. That way, if I get bored or in a lazy mood, I’ll have stuff to watch if there’s nothing good on at the moment.

Later…

I took off my old nail polish and soon I’ll put the nail hardener on, then my gold nail polish. The nail hardener is cloudy, so hopefully it’ll make the gold stand out better which is otherwise too light.

I’m going to start taking measures to decrease the bird population. There are just way too many (30-something) and they really make a hell of a mess on the patio and around the pool area. I’m sick of having to remember to lift up the seat cushions so they don’t shit all over the chairs and I’m sick of trying to hop around all their shit. I’m gonna start feeding them a little less often and I’m gonna give them much less at once than I normally do.

When Tom gets up, we’ll have to fill out an order form for stamps. We’ll need a book of regular stamps, then we’ll order those 1¢ stamps from them, too. Tom alone, as well as with me, checked vending machines to see if we could get the 1¢ ones that way, but there weren’t any, and this way he won’t have to stand in line forever at the PO.

Later…

As soon as he gets up I’m gonna strip the beds and get the sheets washing. Then they’ll be dry by the time he leaves. I lazed out of doing it yesterday, but I got all our clothes and towels and stuff like that done.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 1996 I just saw a movie about a true story that was really sad. It actually made me cry and very few movies ever do that to me. This movie is a classic example of how unfair and cruel life is, and of course, it only fuels my hatred for God. There was this woman who had a daughter and gave it up for adoption to a stable couple who couldn’t have kids. Meanwhile, the woman lied about who the father was, and the real father ended up being one who was violent and who abandoned two other kids. So, after two years of the good couple raising her just fine, the courts said she had to go to her biological parents. I felt so heartbroken for this poor kid and it brought back bad memories of how I had to be forced to go places I didn’t want to go. How the fuck can people create and have such a shitty system? How can God allow this to happen? How can God allow a child to go to a lying mother who already has one other kid and a violent non-caring father who has 3 other kids, two of whom he dumped? Meanwhile, this deserving couple who can’t have kids has to suffer with no kids at all. I really hate both God and this fucked up, cruel, unfair world in which we live. If people won’t do what’s right, then when the fuck is God gonna finally put his foot down and do what’s right? Why must God allow and aid such cruel, mean, sick, unfair shit to happen in this world? Why must God give what they say is his ultimate gift to so many undeserving people and bless them with all kinds of wonderful things, while shitting on good people? When can good people have what they deserve? It makes me feel all the more that God hates us and thinks we’re just these two no-good, non-deserving people who ought to rot in hell, never get what we really want and struggle all our lives while we dream of the normal everyday things in life that we’ll never have as we watch undeserving assholes get them. Why must it be that if you take 10 people and have 9 of them be jerks, it’s that one good person in the bunch who can’t have kids or some other thing they want and so richly deserve or would be good at? Tom and I must really deserve a child after all. It must really be that we’d be great parents, I could’ve handled it and not been like my mom after all, or why else would we be denied a child? For our health? Well, maybe that is the case, too, as I’ve said before. Maybe God knows something we don’t, like maybe I’d die in childbirth or all kinds of other things could go wrong with the kid, our marriage, anything. But if God can do anything, then couldn’t he make sure that nothing terrible went wrong or something we couldn’t handle? This is why I doubt he’s protecting me by denying me a child, cuz if there was a problem, God could make sure it didn’t stop us. If I’m not paying for someone else’s sins, it’s gotta be just cuz he plain old hates me and doesn’t think I’m a bad enough person for it. Only bad people deserve his so-called ultimate gift. I know I shouldn’t let God get the best of me (or Tom), but it’s hard. Tom said not to try to fight, control or manipulate my feelings and maybe he’s right. I can’t deny my true beliefs, feelings or desires to myself anyway. I may as well let my mind flow freely and bitch about shit, even if I can’t change it and I know I can’t and I can’t fight fate, either. As weird as it may sound, though, knowing God and Tom will never allow me a child has still been easier than ever to deal with. Especially since our last fight. My feelings about the way God works and the way Tom lied will never change, but I haven’t had the desperate, sad, and angry feelings about it that I’ve had on and off. Maybe my anger towards Tom is transferring into forgiveness after all. And maybe the other part of it is that I’m accepting God’s ways and his rules more so. I always have, but I guess the acceptance has hit home harder.

Tom is just so confusing still. He still loves to play head games with me, while denying that he’s preventing anything or lying and saying how it’s best not to plan stuff. One minute he swears he doesn’t want to wait on having a kid and that he knows I’ll be pregnant by September, the next he’s giving me all kinds of advice on how to up my chances of going to college. I know I’ll either be in college or working in September, so I guess it doesn’t matter what he says, even though I wish he’d speak the truth. I don’t like being lied to and he knows it. Yesterday, I said I wished they’d tell me I needed a hysterectomy out of frustration cuz of the physical part of the PMS which is pretty bad this month. He said, “But you don’t like people lying to you.” Then why does he do it? What makes him think it’s OK for him to lie to me then? Why does Robin think it’s OK to lie to me?

I guess it all goes back to the fact that God has a basic plan for all of us when we’re born. He insisted that people lie to me and take things from me and keep things from me and force me into second best for the most part. That doesn’t include living in Arizona or marrying Tom, either. That is definitely first-best and for that, I’m thrilled and very happy and grateful. I think Tom knows and understands, though, that just cuz you’re married to first-best (except for the lies), you can still feel empty, cheated, and like a waste product who doesn’t know if she’s got a future, other than the same old rut. Yes, this life is way better than before I met Tom and no, I’d never want to go back to my old life or give up the things I have today, but is this it?

Yes.

Later…

I guess Andy’s landlord did fix his EC, cuz he hasn’t called us asking Tom to come over and check it out. Just after midnight on Saturday, he said he wasn’t sure if it was fixed and that his landlord didn’t leave a note about fixing it, but said it did seem cooler. I told him to let me know how it was when he got up in the afternoon, which would’ve been yesterday, then to see if he could get a hold of his landlord. If not, call us, but he hasn’t.

Since there seems to be no chance at all of going to Florida for the next several months, I wonder if my parents will ever come out here. I can’t say I’m too upset over our not being able to go there, cuz you know how I feel about that. I’d have too many worries. Could I sleep okay? Could I breathe okay? Would everything else be okay?

Later…

According to Tom, I slept through 11 minutes of quite a riot next door. I didn’t think Andy’s theory was right when he said it could’ve been just her cuz of how I look. It’s all of them cuz they’re like most people who don’t give a shit about those around them. He said about 4 cars came in (all adult men) and for 11 minutes they played ball, screamed at the top of their lungs, and blared rap music. Then after 11 minutes, everyone left and it went dead quiet. Tom thinks they just came back from a basketball game cuz it’s the end of basketball season. They better not do this very often and they’re lucky they didn’t wake me up. I can’t believe Robin’s been right so far. Tom says not to worry cuz he thinks it’ll be very seldom that they do this and that basketball season is ending and it’ll be too hot for them to do this. I asked what about the winter and he says they’ll be watching football in the winter. I hope so. And I hope they continue not to be home too often. I guess that during weekdays they won’t be here too much. I hope not so I can at least have 5 days to sing in privacy. I don’t like people to hear me when I’m practicing. If I want an audience, I’ll go get one. I’m glad that kid hasn’t been around to play ball. Maybe he just didn’t feel comfortable playing at their house. Who knows, but I’m glad he’s gone cuz now I can’t tell him to go away since the house isn’t vacant anymore.

Now I’m gonna go see if I’ve got any email, then I’ll watch some TV.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 1996 I hope I get my period soon enough to relieve my sore tits. Plus, I swear I’ve got 50 gallons of water retaining in me. This has been the easiest period in the longest time I’ve had as far as the emotional side of it goes. Could it be compensation for the last one which was rough? Or could it be cuz of getting my emotions out that day I hit and kicked Tom and really came to accept the fact that there’d be no kid? Well, it’s nice for a change, anyway.

Tom and I screwed earlier and he said that he had a pre-cum throb which he hasn’t had in a long time and that we were getting back to where we were. Well, that’s nice since it seems to have taken him longer in the past, but I still don’t get what he means exactly. Maybe it’s just his way of trying to help make me feel that I don’t suck in bed.

At first I thought that Tom was trying to convince me that it wasn’t them next door blaring their car music just so I wouldn’t be pissed off about it and so he wouldn’t have to deal with it, but now I don’t even know for sure if it is really them. That night I went to Andy’s, I ran into the music room when I heard it, listening for the sound of a car door to open and close, but I never heard one. Then Tom said he heard that car quietly leave at 5:00 the next morning. The one parked next door at the time.

A couple of nights ago at 8:30 when I was listening to music, Tom said he heard music for about 30 seconds, but that he was sure it wasn’t next door. There was never any car next door, either, even though there were lights on.

Then last night I heard it for about 10 seconds just after 8:00, but there are still no cars there, even though there are lights on. They either have the lights on and aren’t there or maybe they came in at 5:30 yesterday afternoon. I could’ve sworn I heard a car pull up, doors shut, then a kid cry for about 5 seconds.

So, just maybe it isn’t them after all and maybe I was dreaming that time I thought music woke me up. We’ll just have to wait and see, but I’m beginning to relax and think that maybe things will be okay. They’re hardly ever there. I almost never hear the kid. I think I’ve only heard it twice for a few seconds since they moved in what? Late February or early March? Maybe Robin’s right.

Them saying I’ll be pregnant soon is still so unreal as I’ve said before, but if there’s a one-in-a-million chance that Tom’s not joking and he really came closer than he has in a while, is it a coincidence? His language is weird cuz he says that saying “I think you’ll be pregnant by September” and “I know you’ll be pregnant by September” means the same thing. Whereas with me, saying “I think I will” means I think I will, but don’t know for sure, but hope and think so. If I said I know so, that means I know it and there are no ifs, ands or buts. Then he said that in my language that meant that he knows so. Whatever.

I wrote letters to Bob and my parents and addressed envelopes to my parents, Bob, Kim, Larry, and one for Sarah. I hope Tom gets the chance to get 25 of those 1¢ stamps for postcards this weekend, so I can mail some off.

This weekend I’ll probably give Kim a call. It’s been a while since we chatted. That is if she’s home. I wonder when Larry will call or if he’s been trying.

Yesterday I began exercising my legs and today I did my arms and belly. Hope I can stick to this.

Earlier we cut Tom’s hair and it wasn’t the disaster it was the last time. He did the front and sides and I did the back. We did a nice job and he doesn’t look like Mr. Military.

Today Tom will be going to Evelyn’s to finish some more work on her sink and then to his parent’s house. I’ll be asleep most of the day and I just hope and pray that if it is them next door, I hope they don’t get carried away and blare that fucking music. They seem to come and go during weekends, but last weekend I don’t think they were there at all.

Later…

I was just talking to Andy who is kind of depressed even though he expected to be. It’s amazing how everything he said really hit home and how we both feel the same emotions. The only difference is that his is about a boyfriend and mine’s about the kid. He too, has felt that love wasn’t meant for him since he was a little boy, just like I knew since I was a little girl that I could never have a kid.

The things he said totally hit home and were things I’ve often said and probably always will. He’d say stuff like, what’s the point of living? What’s my purpose in life? Why am I so cursed? I’m just totally trying to fight fate when there’s not a damn thing I can ever do to change it. God has his mind made up and he’ll never change it. God wants me to be alone forever. I had fun trying to get things I wanted at times, but I knew the final outcome wouldn’t be what I wanted, etc.

Later…

I’m still awake, but getting quite tired. I suppose Tom will be up anytime now.

Yesterday, due to it warming up, the pool was so green that you couldn’t even see the bottom. So, he got “shock treatment” and shocked the hell out of and now it’s such a milky light blue color that you still can’t see through it. Soon, though, it’ll be nice and clear.

I can hear my birds now who are up for the day.

Later…

Once again, Robin came to me as I was falling asleep saying I’d wake up OK, I need not worry about next door and that I’ll be pregnant soon. She seems to be doing this a lot lately.

Anyway, I’m both happy and shocked to say that next door had a soundless party. When Tom came home I was already asleep and he said there were 4 cars next door. After I got up, I peeked over to next door from the music room where I can see the carport and their living room window. This was the early evening. Their blinds were open and I could see one guy drinking from a can. About an hour ago I checked and all the lights were off. I think I heard cars leave and they did so quietly. So, if they came in with any music on, it certainly didn’t wake me up. If I’d known there were gonna be 4 cars arriving after falling asleep, I’d have been very nervous, but luckily it would’ve been for nothing. Still, I like to not know what my neighbors are up to. If Tom didn’t see the cars and if I didn’t spy, I’d never have known about it and that’s just what I like. To not know my neighbors exist or what they’re up to. Not unless I spy on them.

I have about 8 hours worth of movies taped, so I think I’m gonna break from writing and go watch something.

First, though, Tom got $20 from working at Evelyn’s just as I predicted. I knew it’d be $10 or $20. He also visited his parents and said his dad is doing terribly. He has bad stomach problems.

Then he picked out a really neat screensaver which I’ll describe later and said we’re about to go through a lot of major changes.

Yeah, sure.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 1996 Since the night I went to Andy’s, I’ve heard no music from next door. So, I’m sure that this means that before the weekend’s over, they’ll come blasting in. They seem to do this about once a week. I’ve seen a light on in their living room tonight and last night, but I can’t see if there are any cars out there. They seem to go to bed at 11:00. That’s when the lights go off. Someone has come and gone over the last couple of days and whoever did so did quietly, which I appreciate.

Andy’s had amazing luck. Hopefully, he’ll be surprised as I was when I found out I was coming here and when I met and married Tom. So far he has been surprised, though.

Well, he met that guy Brad that I mentioned before and he says Brad’s gorgeous and that Brad was also attracted to Andy. Brad says he’s looking for a serious relationship too, with just one person, so hopefully this is it for Andy.

Well, God didn’t and never will answer my prayers for a baby, but hopefully he’s answered my prayer for him to give Andy a break and send him the right guy cuz he deserves it.

Hopefully, Brad isn’t bullshitting Andy and isn’t only out for sex. Hopefully, he’s serious. This sounds really promising and I told Andy I had a good vibe. Plus, it seems logical that if they’re both attracted to each other and want the same thing, it should work out, as long as Brad’s serious and not putting Andy on.

I’m so happy for Andy if this really is his Mr. Right.

I started to watch a movie, but it sucked. When I’m in the mood for TV, nothing’s on, but when I have a million other things to do, there’s good stuff on. There’ll be 3 or 4 good movies on at once or none at all, and of course we only have two VCRs.

Andy said his landlord did get over there today and he said what Tom and I figured was the problem with the cooler. There’s a minor problem with the water pump and he says he’ll be back tomorrow. I told Andy that Tom offered to go over there this weekend and check it out if the landlord doesn’t put his actions where his mouth is. Andy said that was a generous offer that he’d take if he needs to.

I’m starving now. My not eating too much has caught up to me, so I think I’ll go make some hash browns or something. Right now, we don’t have too much variety in the way of food since it’s the end of the week. Tom’s gonna go shopping Saturday or Sunday. After I eat, I’m gonna take and go through next week’s TV guide and highlight everything I think I’ll want to watch.

Later…

Oh, that really sucks! So far, Brad’s dumped Andy, and Andy has an overwhelming vibe that all Brad wanted was sex and that when he saw he couldn’t get it right away, he split. Andy feels really cursed and I don’t blame him. I thoroughly understand and reminded him of how I’ll never have a kid. I still have a good vibe for Andy, but obviously it’s got nothing to do with Brad. I still hope it does, although I always saw a guy as unmeant to be for him as a kid is unmeant to be for me.

I wonder why, though. Is it cuz he’s too good for it? I notice that just like most parents are no good, most people in relationships are either no good or aren’t worthy of those they’re with. Is it due to being compensated for good health and other blessings? Is he being punished for the sins of his forefathers? Is he not ready yet? I think he’s more than ready.

Andy wondered if he were being denied love cuz God’s preparing him for some situation where he’ll need to be alone, but this makes no sense to me. I wondered if it could be cuz he wants it and I’ve said how I believe that the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it. He said no, cuz there were a handful of years where he didn’t want a relationship, and that didn’t mean guys were lined up at his door. This is probably true cuz during the 3 years I wasn’t looking for a woman, I wasn’t bombarded with offers from them.

Could God be denying me a child cuz he’s preparing me for something in which a child would be in the way? If so, what the hell could it be? I doubt God’s preparing me for anything else or that he feels I’m not ready yet. I believe he doesn’t want me to do or have first best and other than Tom, a kid and singing are first best and God knows it. I think it’s either a punishment or a protection thing or both and that’s why I’ll never have a kid.

If he sent Tom to me able and willing to cum (Tom is at least able) he’d just make sure the DES really got me good or something else or that Tom had a physical problem. If either one of us does have or ever has a physical problem, I can bet you God will make it irreversible.

Going through the TV guide and seeking out stuff that looks good sure is time-consuming. And I only check from 6 PM-4 AM. I still have to check Thursday and Friday.

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 1996 I just sewed up Andy’s torn apron pocket and now I’m gonna go try to call him.

Later…

For the first time in a while, I was in the mood to gab on the phone. Andy called me with Michelle on the line, then we added Brad who’s a potential date for Andy. Andy mentioned going to the China Doll to Brad and I guess Brad asked to meet him there. Andy said no cuz he thinks he looks shitty today. Anyway, Andy thinks Brad secretly went to check Andy out.

So, I read a bunch of bullshit to Brad. I randomly grabbed Journal 17 from 1991 and began my line-mixing routine.

I’m wondering - should I read back on all my journals now, or wait 10-20 years? Whenever I read them, I’d still like to time it and see how long it takes to read however many I’ve got at the time.

Later…

I am so bloated now and my tits really hurt. I can’t make my period arrive any faster, so I guess I’ll go take a Midol. The problem with taking them during the day is that they make me so damn drowsy.

Later…

I took a Midol last night but didn’t fall asleep right away. However, after I took one after being up a few hours today, I fell asleep for two hours.

Andy’s having trouble with his EC. He says it just blows hot air which means the water level is either too low or there’s something wrong with the pump. Tom says for me to tell him that if he or his landlord can’t fix it, he’ll go over there this weekend and check it out.

From what Andy described, his landlord is a lot like Russ was. An older friendly guy, but one lazy ass. A cheap one, too, like Seelig was about the heat. He wouldn’t even take the time out or pay someone to put in Andy’s new security door. Andy had to get Quinn to do it.

Tom’s really tired so he’s gonna be crashing in a little while.

There’s not too much to watch on TV tonight, but I might check out a movie later. I listened to music earlier and I’ve been playing Ballistic on and off.

I’m still a bit drowsy from the Midol. I can’t really say for sure if that Midol even helps. My tits are still sore and I’m still kind of water bloated. I’m up to 100 pounds.

I got a letter from Bob today and of course, he had nothing new to tell me. He did mention something kind of strange to me. He said that he was made to rip up the 200 letters he had and flush them down the toilet. He’s only allowed to have letters for 24 hours, then he’s made to rip them up. Why? I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. Sounds like they’re just doing it to piss him off. I can’t think of any other reason and neither can he.

Last night I had a strong vibe that there was a spider or there were spiders in the little closet by the garage door. So, Tom’s gonna check it out before he goes to bed.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24, 1996 So far it’s been quiet all day and night. There might be someone next door cuz I can see a light on, but I couldn’t see any cars out there.

I bitched to Andy about it last night when he picked me up and he brought up a possibility I never thought of. He asked if she was ugly and I told him yes, she’s very ugly, as a matter of fact. Then he said that it might be her blaring the music and not him cuz she might be paranoid of my looks interesting Mike. Could this be why she blankly stared at me as I walked back here after handing her the note? She did seem rather cold when I first saw her. Maybe she just doesn’t like whites. Well, he did, after all, turn the music down when I first asked him and he was very polite and friendly. She, though, did seem like an aggressive bitch, even though she never spoke to me, other than to tell me my music wasn’t too loud and what her name was.

Then Andy bitched about his coworkers.

At Andy’s I got half the cat colored and he really loves it. I think I can finish it the next time I go. I’m glad he loves it so much, cuz personally, I think my cat in the music room is way better.

Tom said it could be someone visiting them, but then why didn’t Mike tell them to lower their music? He seems like the type that would. Tom also says not to worry unless they really do wake me up and he swears that I was really dreaming that day and that there was no music whatsoever. He says he’s seen all 3 of them come and go, and Mike come and go, but never her alone, and that they always would come and go quietly. I could’ve sworn the day I handed Joely that note, she had just come in with Mike and I could hear the music going.

Who knows for sure who it is and why, but if I get woken up, I am gonna have to think of something to do about it. Robin still insists I never need to worry. Also, I woke up wheezy 3 mornings ago and she told me that yesterday I wouldn’t wake up wheezy and that today I wouldn’t either and I didn’t. So, she’s been right about some things, but I still can’t imagine her and Tom being right about my being pregnant by September. That just seems too far-fetched and just so out of this world. A good 98% of my strong vibes have been right and it just seems so incredible. I feel I could bet my life on him cumming in me 10 times a day and still not conceiving. I just can’t imagine being made to eat my words on this one in the way that I was made to eat my words about when I met and married Tom, or even made it to Arizona.

I was right on two predictions. One of them was strong and one was light to medium. I told Tom a while back that I had a strong vibe he wouldn’t be on nights and that he was destined to stay on days at least for a while. Cuz the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it and cuz I still believe something wants to hold us back in life. Last Sunday night he asked if I had a sense of when he’d find out for sure and I told him Wednesday. Today, Wednesday, he was told he didn’t get it cuz they gave it to some part-time worker.

Then I went and wrote a list of a few things I felt would happen or not happen by September 1st. Here they are.

Strong - A raise or new/better job for Tom in June.

Medium/Strong - College or a job for me in September.

Strong - Will not be pregnant by Sept.

Medium - Tom’s dad will be alive in Sept.

Medium/Strong - There’ll be no chance till September to go to Florida.

Light/Medium - There’ll be major car problems or the car will die.

Medium - The number 10 and the color blue may have something to do with wherever Tom’s working in June.

Later…

Tom and I are still having sex more frequently, so that’s nice.

We got a package from my parents today containing a Phoenix Sun’s flag for Tom and a musical sequined cap for me.

Speaking of spirits, I saw an interesting movie called Voice from the Grave. It was about a singer who also worked at a hospital that was murdered by some guy who also worked there. Then there was some girl who worked there, too, but she and the murdered girl only spoke once for a few minutes. So, after the girl was killed she possessed the other girl and sent visions of her murder/murderer through her so she could help the police nab him and put him away.

I’ve believed spirits could contact humans and show them future stuff for a long time. I believe Robin’s been right about a lot of things she’s told me and I used to believe she was a good spirit, but I still find myself racking my brains, trying desperately to figure out why she’d lie to me suddenly. Just like Tom, she isn’t pulling off some petty little white lie, either. I also thought she said something about taking off for a while. Guess some family member who’s still alive in the East needs her more, but she’s been a regular around here.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy telling me all about this Chinese place I told him to check out. Why must he call me so much on his days off? He can really bug me at times. I’m just not into playing phone like I used to be and if he called once every 2 or 3 days, that’d be much better.

I made up tons of mashed potatoes today, cuz I wanted to make them before they rooted, so I think I’ll go have a plateful now.

TUESDAY, APRIL 23, 1996 I might be going over to Andy’s tonight after he gets off work to work more on the cat.

Later…

Those stupid, stupid fucks next door! You can’t even ask someone nicely to do you a small simple little favor. Everyone in this world is so fucking selfish, it’s pitiful. They just can’t deal with turning their stereo down or off 30 seconds before driving up and parking their car. They just have to blare it up in between the houses. People either don’t do anything you ask of them or make false promises. Was my asking them to turn the stereo down upon coming and going that big of a deal? Is it really such a hard thing for them to do? Do they only give a shit about themselves? Obviously so and I’ve decided I’m not gonna worry about blaring my music and if they complain - tough shit unless they turn theirs down. They don’t blare it when they come and go early or late, but if I had been asleep, it probably would’ve woken me up and I’m not gonna go through that shit all over again of having to get up when neighbors say so.

We talked over the last couple of days and I told Tom that I feel he does too many things he says I shouldn’t do. I asked him if he was punishing me by not having sex with me cuz I’ve needed to talk over the last couple of days. He said he was reluctant to cuz he was afraid of what the consequences may be. I reminded him of how he advised me not to have any preconceived ideas of the outcome of things, so why does he? He says don’t let life’s events control the things I do. Then why can’t we have sex or do whatever else after we’ve had discussions? Well, at least he went down on me, but when I went to do him by hand, he only got semi-hard.

I feel he’s contradicting and confusing, too, when he says don’t try to control or manipulate my thoughts and don’t decide how I’m gonna act on them. He’s basically said not to hold things in, yet talking about certain things will “ruin all he’s worked on.” How could I have done that two-week thing, yet talk when I need to? How can not trying to control or manipulate my thoughts or feelings make me less angry or depressed like he says it will? So, basically he’s saying to talk about what I need to, yet he doesn’t want to talk about certain things cuz then he has them in his head, so he says, and it ruins what he’s been working for, which is nothing that I can see as far as sex goes. He says he’s not blaming me for his not cumming and us not having a kid, yet he is. He does blame me indirectly in several different ways.

Then he says he doesn’t want to wait till September to start a kid but suggests college at the same time as something to consider? He’s been saying for well over a year that he doesn’t want to wait, yet he doesn’t cum. So, I asked him, which is it? Do you want to start a kid or have me think about going to college? His answer is not to plan when and how things are gonna happen and to just let things play themselves out. A kid is never gonna “play itself out” as long as he remains the way he is and whether or not we plan it. He’s still all talk and no action who says that in his mind - we will have a kid. No. I know I won’t be pregnant by September or ever and I really want to check out some college in August and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I don’t know yet how I’m gonna manage to keep the schedule and I know next door’s gonna wake me up at least once a week.

Then fucking Robin had to come by last night and tell me that I was to be finding out I was pregnant by September and that college may be a good and right thing for me, but not in Sept. Yeah, right!

Boy, I’ll tell you, though, there’s nothing like having a husband and a spirit play with your head and tell you such tall tales!

Back to next door. What the fuck am I gonna do about them? It’s obvious that asking them nicely isn’t gonna do a damn bit of good (this is my compensation for the M’s being cool about my asking them to quiet down). If I smash their car or do anything to them, they’ll just get us back some way, so what do I do? Just resign to the fact that they’re gonna do this at least one or two times a week, maybe more in the future and hope to hell I sleep through it? Is that all I really can do? It pisses me off. It really pisses me the fuck off! I know it’s gonna be years before we move, so how many more families are gonna live there while we’re here creating whatever kind of noise? Are we ever gonna live in someplace like my sister lives? Are there any houses out here in Arizona that don’t have other houses 5 feet away from them that you don’t have to be rich to afford?

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 1996 Boy, have I been having kid dreams. The night before last, I think the dream was about my talking to a doctor about having a kid. I don’t think I was pregnant, but I could’ve been. Last night’s dream was about birth control. I got some IUD or something that you insert inside you and I think it was starting to fall out at one point. I remember the doctor asking if they could do something that’d permanently sterilize me and I nodded yes. So, why I had this thing inside me, beats me.

Last night is when the dead-set strong vibe set in that this two-week thing is bullshit, even though I already knew this. So, maybe last night’s dream was a sign saying, “Yes, you’re right about him being full of shit, so get on birth control. It’ll help you.”

I like how I read that birth control makes your periods more regular and how it eases the period and cramps and hopefully the PMS, too, and hopefully there’ll be no side effects.

Earlier, I was sitting at the kitchen table when I heard a car stereo. I jumped up, pissed as hell and ready to haul off at next door, but it wasn’t them. It was some car passing by. They haven’t been there since about last Friday.

Bob should be calling in about 15 minutes. I sent him a letter about 5 days ago telling him to call collect.

The night before last, Robin came around again. She was all sad that I don’t want anything to do with her and she still insisted that she’s not lying. Also, that Nervous is with her and that he doesn’t hate me. He’s looking out for me, but won’t bother me. That’s nice, cuz that’s all I’d need is for him to bother me.

Yesterday we went over to his parent’s house. Ma showed me how she has tons and tons of material and I had brought over the back of the chair we sit on at the computer. The back of it is like a director’s chair and it rips, then I sew it, and back and forth. So, I picked out a blue floral print and she made a new back and I helped. It looks so professional.

Later…

Bob called and we talked for about 20 minutes. Besides his usual of how he’s worried about Kim and wants to see her, he told me that he’s on medical watch cuz of his heart and that he has an appeal going through. He said he won’t know anything till June or July.

Yesterday at Mom and Dad’s, Mom’s brother Johnny came over with his wife Marie and their grandson. Marie’s from Mexico so her secondary language is Spanish which we gabbed a little in. Johnny had told Marie he was glad there was someone shorter in the family than Marie, but I’m an inch taller than Marie.

I promised Andy I’d mention this. At around 2:00 that afternoon when I was at Mom and Dad’s, Andy claims to have been thinking about how Nervous and I would gab in Spanish at the same time Marie and I were. A connection? Who knows?

Later…

Tom and I were just discussing how we could afford for me to go to a community college and go through their vocal programs without having to take math and all that other bullshit. Classes start in September, but can I ever get my schedule normal once and for all in order to go? This would be great for me and a great way to continue trying to get over never having a kid.

I also blew my two-week thing where I wasn’t supposed to mention a kid or cumming, but that’s OK. He was never gonna cum anyway and now it’s time to make the call for birth control tomorrow.

Later…

There’s still no one next door. In a sense, these people are weirder than the M family. I mean, where do they go so often? Where do they sleep? Aren’t they fully moved in? Are they just using that house for something illegal, like manufacturing drugs?

Anyway, I know I said I was gonna call for birth control, but I’m not cuz I’m gonna do what Tom wants, as usual. Besides, Tom’s probably right when he said that the side effects would be more than the benefits I just think I’ll get out of it. Yeah, God’s determined to really hit me hard with this. He’s not gonna let me escape it. He really wants to shove it in my face and tease me with it.

I believe those that believe that there’s a reason for everything and that after we die, we find out why things happened or didn’t happen. I just wish I knew why now. All I have are my theories. God’s either punishing me or trying to save my life and marriage. Which is it? Could it be both?

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 1996 Just got done watching TV and now I may do some drawing before hitting the sack.

Sometime soon I’ll have to get back over to Andy’s to work on the wall cat some more.

Thank God Nervous didn’t die in July. Last July was when Robin began visiting and with her bullshit lately, I might’ve ended up wondering if she was really Nervous if Nerv’s mom said he died in July.

I mean, I don’t know what to make of Robin anymore. Yes, she’s been right about next door being fine and Tom does seem hornier, but I couldn’t be pregnant soon, any more than I could be tall soon, so I don’t get her anymore. I’d just assume she stay away.

She was also right about saying she’d always watch over me no matter what as I sense her presence occasionally. I just tell her to go away.

She usually likes to come when I first get in bed where my mind isn’t as occupied and where my body is more relaxed. Here is where she either gives me messages or just visits with me for what seems to be for the hell of it.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 1996 Not much has happened today and I’ve been bored for the most part. Maybe I should work on a story or find some kind of project, but I haven’t hit upon anything yet that I’d really like to do. I guess I’ll go start Sarah’s letter.

Tom’s been out all day working on his aunt’s trailer pipes and at his parent’s, so hopefully he’ll be home soon.

Later…

I believe tomorrow will be day 5 or 6 of not bringing up the issue of a kid. If it isn’t my imagination, then it seems we’ve had more sex since I began doing this which is about all he’ll give me for this. He knows I’m doing this too, so all the more, I’m gonna get teased in some way and he’ll be laughing to himself when this is over.

He got $60 for working at Evelyn’s and he stopped by his parents’ place to help them out, too.

He put up the bird perch using an old curtain rod. No, a shoe rack rod. We put some seed on the windowsill, so hopefully they’ll see it soon enough. It’s right by the back window.

Tom’s in the bathroom now taking a shower and beating off so we can have “safe sex” in a while.

Tomorrow we’re going to his parents’ place.

Later…

Tom’s unwinding now, and then he’ll be going to bed.

We had sex for quite a long time, and surprisingly, it took me forever to cum.

I haven’t been able to think of any ideas for a short story or poem.

Yesterday I drew a neat picture of Gloria where she’s in a mirror and you can see her twice. Tom liked it, but I didn’t, so I’m just gonna stick it on my parents.

I’m sitting with Tom right now in his favorite chair as he unwinds.

Later…

They just got in next door and they did so very quietly. I only heard one door shut and no kid, so I’m sure it’s just Mike.

We’ve had two spiders in here today and it’s that time of year to bomb, so we will soon.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 1996 I got a letter from Sarah a couple of days ago and soon I’ll send her a letter. I have a letter going out to Larry today and I decorated the envelope with animals and flowers.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door since I heard them at 7:00 that evening when they gave me a minute’s worth of their rap music. They seem to leave early in the morning and return in the early evening.

I wonder if just Mike lives there since I never see more than one care there at once. I don’t think the kid lives there after all since I never hear it.

Robin still tries to come around and assure me that all will be fine with next door and that she’s not lying when she says I’ll be pregnant soon, but I just tell her to go away.

Tom wants me to write a short story and a poem for him. Should I not do something he asked of me that I said yes to in order to give him a taste of his own medicine? I’ll think about it.

I knew Tom was lying when he said he couldn’t hold back from cumming and that if he cums, he cums suddenly without warning.

When Andy gets together with Quinn, he tells me all about it and he confirms what I always knew when he brought up how they’d hold back to enjoy it longer and how they knew when they were gonna cum.

I can’t believe what a bad liar Tom is and how dumb he thinks I am.

How can I ever forgive Tom or not be angry with him for never allowing me to have a child? All I can do is know it and accept it. I couldn’t believe it when he said I shouldn’t be angry with him cuz we don’t have a kid after he’s said so many times that we would, but then again, I can believe it. He’ll say the most far-out things or be the bad liar he is when it comes to a kid and making excuses to not have a kid.

There’s always got to be someone in my life to help God control me, or take something away from me, or to stop me from getting things and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it. Part of me wishes I was either in denial about what he’s doing or that I could believe him when he says he wants a kid and isn’t doing anything to prevent that. Then the truth would hit me harder in the end, so maybe I should know what he’s doing.

Later…

Speaking of believing - it’s still hard to believe Nervous is dead. One minute I’m not thinking about it and the next it pops into my head.

Tom was really helpful yesterday. He listened with understanding, and supportive patience while I told him all about it. At least I’ll always have his edits, like Tom said, even though Nervous really did hate those edits with a passion.

Later…

Here’s another reason why I’m so sure Tom beats off, besides the fact that he’s human and has to relieve it somehow.

Andy told me that he beats off prior to seeing Quinn in case he can’t have sex with him. Andy took care of Quinn last night for 3 hours and he said he took care of himself, so he could just take care of Quinn which gives him great pleasure. He also says he jerks off before meeting a guy in case he’s cute and can’t have him so he won’t be overly horny. So Tom figures he doesn’t want to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid, but he won’t tell me that, so he relieves himself whenever.

Tom’s parents are really doing badly, and he even told me how worried he is and how preoccupied his mind is, so all the more he won’t cum, along with reasons that deal with just us. I’m sorry his parents are dying, but lots of people maintain normal sex lives while their parents are dying. Even if there were no worries and nothing going on, there’s still his underlying fear of having a kid. He doesn’t want it as well as is scared of it.

I keep telling myself that this two-week cure-all is bullshit, just like everything else he’s said would help, so go get on birth control, but I will soon enough. I’ll bet he’ll use his parents as the perfect excuse after two weeks of my not bringing it up. What’s he gonna do when his parents die? Tell the truth? No. There’ll be something else.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 1996 I sent a letter to Gloria’s fan club asking them to please speed things up. Also, I asked if there was any way they had a catalog where we could pick out pictures and how big we’d like them to be.

Tom apologized for saying that all I wanted from him was a kid and he admitted that he knows I’m strong and is sorry he sprung up at me to try to get my attention to calm me down. He’s sorry cuz I saw my mother and other people who sprang at me with violent intentions and I’m sorry for jumping the gun myself.

It’s done and over with in our books and we hope to just move on. I promised to work on not screaming so loud when I get angry and he said he’d just leave or something, rather than try to calm me down till I’m ready to calm down on my own.

We played cards last night but didn’t have sex. I have to wait until the weekend, as usual. I told myself, “Don’t do it. That’s stupid of you to wait and see if he cums after 14 days of not discussing a kid, cuz you know he won’t. Just get on birth control now.”

However, if I get on it now, he’ll use that as an excuse for why he didn’t cum. Like you need your woman not to be on birth control to cum, right? So, I’ll just wait and see what other excuses he uses, then call for it.

A couple of days ago Tom was telling me that during childbirth, your hips become lubricated by a certain hormone and that only during childbirth do your hips spread in a way that they normally can’t. That must be why someone my size can have a baby naturally. I didn’t know that. He knows a lot about this subject, that’s for sure.

A bird landed in the window again yesterday and this time he managed to hang on for a few minutes. I have a new all-brown bird, that’s different from the chicken pigeon who has white on the very back of him. I also have a new smaller Measles pigeon and yesterday I noticed a band around one leg. It looks like there are one or two small round rubber or plastic blue bands and one white plastic one that’s about ¼ inch wide. I saw the upside-down number 17 on it. Tom said it could’ve been someone who was raising it or that the government banded it for a study on where they travel to or something like that.

Later…

I spoke with Andy earlier and tomorrow or the next day I might be going over to work on his cat some more after he gets up.

I’m gonna put a note out tomorrow for the mailman telling him I understand how confusing it must be to keep track of Drive vs. Ave. However, I ask that they please ensure proper mail delivery, cuz we’ve both gotten each other’s mail. It’s not that I mind getting Irene W’s mail, it’s that I’m afraid our mail is being misdelivered and I’m so sick of this shit. The call to the post office didn’t work, so hopefully this will.

I did an interesting thing with my nails. I polished every other one red and the others purple. On the purple ones I made a red slash and on the red ones I made blue slashes. My parents would love it!

Now I’ll backtrack a little more. Like I said, life at the beach wasn’t too thrilling. Most of the time, since I had to be on the beach, I’d go off into my own little world and go climb on some of the rocks that divided the beaches, etc. I guess there’s not much more to say about the beach, so now I’ll go on to discuss when I left home for the first time. That was in late July of 1981.

Before I go back to 1981, let me just say that next door, just like next door to them, seems to be like most people. You ask them something nicely and they don’t give a fuck and they’re gonna do what they want to do, anyway.

Why do I have to get blacks next to me who blast that obnoxious rap music? Well, it was only for a minute and it wasn’t loud enough to wake me up, but it wasn’t soft, either. I was out back before the 7:00 movie smoking a cigarette when I heard Joely and some guy yelling at each other. I think they were yelling at each other, anyway, and all I could make out were the words, “Not my baby!” from Joely.

So, then I came back in a few minutes before 7:00 and as one of them was leaving, the music started and I said to myself that if they didn’t pull out and leave by the time the movie started I was gonna go out there and give them a piece of my mind, but they left. If I knew I’d only hear their music and nothing else for a minute here and there at that same volume, I could relax, but I don’t know that they’re gonna say - what the fuck and blast it enough to where the bass and drums wake me up if I’m asleep. I think it’s gonna take me the rest of 1996 to relax about them if nothing gets worse than it has been and I certainly can’t trust Robin. Not with her lying about my getting pregnant soon.

I think they just left, and yes, they left quietly, but I’m wondering if they aren’t gonna be company freaks. I noticed an aqua-colored car there this morning and that was it. So, if they’re both there and they both have their own cars, who knows? That’s 4 different color cars I’ve seen over there. Aqua, black, blue and red.

I haven’t heard the kid and they still have no dog which is great, but I’m still so nervous about them, not knowing for sure what they’re gonna do. Are they gonna have a big party and have an outdoor barbecue with all kinds of music and other noise?

Okay, in July of 1981, I was sent to the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont where I stayed till December of that year. It was hell there, but not as bad as places I’d be in after this. This place was for drug and alcohol users and there was an adult psychiatric ward as well as one for adolescents where I was since I was 15 at the time.

My mother made it sound like a country club, but she said the doctors were the ones that made it sound like a country club. Whatever. All I know is that, like Valleyhead, they didn’t make you feel any better about yourself or your situation and their attitude was that the kids were fucked up and the parents were perfect.

The floor I was on was in the shape of a huge L. We each had our own room and there were about 30 kids there, both girls and boys. There was a rec room, a porch, 2-3 staff meeting rooms, the nurse’s station, a lounge area, bathrooms, and shower rooms. All the windows had bars, and the glass was Plexiglas. Only the windows in rooms down at the end of a long hallway had real glass.

Even though this place was a nightmare, there was more freedom and less strict rules there. You could have all the money you wanted and if you got on restriction, that didn’t mean you couldn’t go in your room or only have 4 cigarettes a day like at Valleyhead. Sometimes if you were on restriction, you were made to go to your room or you couldn’t use the phone or watch TV.

I had a tough caseworker there and she made me have only 6 cigarettes a day cuz of my asthma. She said it was cuz of my asthma, but my asthma wasn’t bad then and it was really out of spite and power play. She didn’t like me very much. Guess it was cuz she thought I was wimpy. The staff could be like students in the way that they favored the tougher ones. Margaret M and Barbara D at Valleyhead were like that.

At one point I was also only allowed in my room twice a day for a half-hour each, once they saw that I liked to be alone more often than most others.

When they caught me smoking in the rec room, they restricted me from going in there. Then they caught me smoking on the porch and restricted me from going there. Then they caught me smoking in my room, so they took my door down. Then they caught me smoking in the closet in my room and they took that door down. Finally, they caught me smoking in the bathroom and shower room and they couldn’t restrict me from going in there, so I had to go in there with a staff member.

When I finally got out of there, I went home to the house in Longmeadow. By this time Tammy and Larry were long gone and my father’s mother, Bella, was living with us. She came to live with us before we moved from the first house in Longmeadow. She had been living in California and she had a stroke.

The following April, 4 months later, I became a ward of the state.

From that December to April I attended an alternative high school in Springfield which I liked. It only had about 5 teachers and about 10 students. We could get away with murder there. We could skip class, go outside, and do drugs, and even our bus driver smoked pot with us.

Jenny got me into cigarettes and pot at age 13 and I smoked pot about 30 times here and there till the final time when I was 21 and had a bad experience with it like I did when I was 16. The pot had either been laced or just didn’t go with whatever meds I was on at those times.

In April I was taken to Emergency Services in Springfield and stood there at the crisis center for about 3 days. This was the very same crisis center I was in for a couple of days when I was 21 and got taken to court for prank-calling in 1989.

From there I went to LaRagione’s in Springfield. This place was originally owned by Kate LaRagione who was Anna’s mother. I was there till about June and Anna and Harry wanted to be my foster parents till I was 18, but the state wouldn’t allow that and neither would my parents since they wanted me in a long-term residential school.

I loved it with Anna and Harry so much and felt so loved, wanted and understood. I don’t remember what in the world made me cut myself before I left there, but I know it had to do with the threats they were making about taking me away from them and placing me in a school.

I remember being in my social worker’s office when the men in white coats came in and took me to Northampton. The state funny farm, and man, was I lucky to get out of there alive! What a nightmare this place was and talk about no privacy and being surrounded by lunatics! An old lady would hit me over the head with her pocketbook. Another one would masturbate in the bed across from me in my cubicle.

They gave you cigarettes every hour if you didn’t have your own, but you weren’t allowed to have any matches or lighters. Also, this wasn’t the type of place where you could bring a stereo or anything else of personal items. You were made to wear hospital gowns and you were watched every second like a hawk. The bathroom stalls had no doors on them, there were no mirrors anywhere and you couldn’t even take a shower in privacy. The shower stalls weren’t private much like in a prison.

I was there for 8 days, but when I first got there I filled out a 3-4 day notice to leave. Even my parents were furious that I’d been taken there. When my notice to leave was denied, all I was doing was sitting on my bed crying. I didn’t hurt anything, anyone or myself, yet they took and tied me down to a small bed in a small room by my wrists and ankles for 2-3 days. I naturally tried to fight them off as hopeless as it was. When I needed to pee or shit, they’d bring a bedpan and I was fed by someone from a tray. Once they untied one arm and I punched that person, so they tied me back up and fed me themselves and it was amazing that the person feeding me didn’t choke me to death with the way they were shoveling the food into my mouth.

Later…

Wow! I was just in the pool. I went in the Jacuzzi first and little by little, I got used to that and ducked under once. Then, I swam up and down the main pool once. It was pretty cold at first and that 72º water felt like 30º. It’s windy out there, too, so I was quite chilled upon coming out of the water.

I was in Valleyhead from August 1982 to August 1984 when I graduated. It was a big mansion in Lenox, MA. Aside from Northampton, this was the worst place I was in as a minor. There were 2 or 4 or 6 girls in a room, but usually 4. The rules and restrictions there were heavy-duty and there was very little free time, except on weekends.

When I was 17 and there for 8 months, I jumped out a window and broke my arm. I felt trapped and just totally panicked. I felt like I’d never get out of there.

I don’t really want to spend too much time on Valleyhead as I know I’ve already covered enough about it here and there.

I went home in August of 1984 to my parent’s house. By this time Nana Bella was dead. She died when I was 17 and my mom’s parents died 6 months apart from each other when I was 19. So, it was me, my parents, Tammy and her first kid Lisa who was only about 1 at this time. I lived there for about 16 months and it was always me against Mom, Dad and Tammy and them against me for the most part. Still, I had freedom and privacy. Tammy took over my old room, Lisa was in Nana’s old room and the last of the 4 bedrooms was a den. I lived in the cellar.

Later…

Holy shit! Nervous is dead! I can’t believe he’s actually dead. When I was hanging out by the pool, I heard a cough that sort of reminded me of his nervous cough, so I called information to see if he finally had a phone. There was no listing for a Kevin T, so I called his mother to see if I could get any information from her and she said Nervous died of a sudden heart attack last September. She said they didn’t know what caused it and by the time he got to the hospital, he was gone.

This actually made me cry for a little while there. He was a nervous, obnoxious weirdo, but it’s still too bad that he had to go this way when he just turned 54. And he used to say that he had 20-30 years left when we met when I was 21 and he was 45 and that he’d live to be in the 80s just like his dad.

It goes to prove Tom’s point when he said that usually, it’s those that have no history of heart problems that die suddenly from heart problems. He told me this after I told him how I worry that mom will suddenly call saying that dad died. Nervous never had any heart problems that I knew of, so it’s got to be nerve-related. He was always so nervous.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 1996 Now I know why I haven’t heard from Jenny C. I called and Sandy answered. She was bummed out at being stuck at home bored since she was suddenly laid off from work. That sucks. She then gave me an 800# to call Larry at work, so I did. As I’ve heard, he’s been swamped. He said he’s sorry he hasn’t called, don’t think he’s blown me off, but he’s been so busy. I understand. Anyway, I finally asked him if Jenny just wanted a quick $5 from us or got cold feet and it turns out that her mother died. Her mother was an alcoholic, so I’m sure that’s got something to do with it.

SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 1996 Why is it that I’ve got this burning feeling that it was due to my prayers to God that Tom and I just ended up having the fight we had? Is this what I get for praying? Why is it that every time I pray, trouble happens? Gee, let me guess - it must be cuz I’m praying for no-nos. Every time I try to restore my lost faith in God, shit happens, so I guess he and Tom have finally won cuz I now really see the definite connection.

It started when I lived out a certain fantasy that he agreed to go along with. I pretended that he came along with me and then he said I looked upset after a few minutes. I tried to tell him I was OK but he went on and on. This finally blew me up and I asked him why he has to spoil a fantasy that if I can get used to it, I just may not need the real thing as much. He promised to go along with it, go with the flow, and not ask questions, yet he did. This is after making me promise to go along with him, go with the flow, and don’t ask questions.

Then he had the nerve to tell me that he’s sorry if I only want him just for a baby, that I’m being selfish, and that I shouldn’t feel he’s a liar for promising us a kid over a year ago. He said he meant it when he said all those times he’d be cumming, cuz he had no idea we’d fight so much over the subject. How convenient.

Then he said that the reason why he doesn’t want to get help now is cuz he feels that’d ruin our marriage cuz that’d be implying to him that I didn’t trust him enough to give him a chance. Trying to tell him otherwise, didn’t do a damn bit of good. He swears that in a year from now, it’ll be enough time put in of trying on our own. Yeah, right. Then he’ll just say another year is all he needs. I know him.

He also said that in his opinion, he doesn’t feel I’ve suffered since being here and that it was all coming from me. So, this is how much he can understand me and feel into my heart and see into my mind, huh? Are all the pages of suffering, sadness and desperation I’ve written all in my head, then? Like I don’t have a reason to suffer and feel like he’s lied to me and hurt me? It’s all in my head? I’m being selfish?

Resigning to the fact that he’s gonna be saying the same thing about not cumming and not having a kid 30 years from now, I finally just told him what he wanted to hear. I said I was sorry for being selfish by wanting a kid and I was sorry for calling him a lair after promising we’d have a kid and he’d cum so many times since we met and that I’d continue to do my best to snuff any feelings about feeling not good enough sexually and about the kid and not talk about it.

Then he said he didn’t want me to keep my emotions bottled up. Well, hey, you can’t have it both ways. If I talk, it just gets him upset and then we both get upset and that’s how fights start.

He also told me that I wasn’t thinking of him sexually and what he wants and that I was only out to please myself and that he’s sorry I’ve got to have a kid right now. Well, then if he’s so happy the way he is in bed, why does he keep insisting that he wants to change and that he wants to cum and make it better? This tells me all the more that he doesn’t want to cum. And if I’m wrong for wanting a kid right now, then why is he not wrong for saying that he does want one now?

Year after year the guy’s gonna have one excuse after another as to why he can’t cum and swear he will and that we will have a kid. I can’t keep playing this game and I’ve got to get on birth control. It’s the only way I can get him to stop playing with me about the kid. It’s the only thing left I can do to save what’s left of our marriage. I’ll still feel like I’m not good enough sexually and he probably won’t cum to cover the truth and make me think that he wasn’t afraid of getting me pregnant, but I just can’t keep going through this. With me on the pill, it’ll relax me enough cuz I won’t have to worry about him promising me a kid that I can’t have for sure on the pill and I’ll be able to deal with those emotions of being angry toward him a lot better. The kid is the biggest thing we fight about, so eliminating any way that I feel he could be teasing me or lying to me about that will help a lot. Then he can realize that I don’t just want him for a kid, but I’m sure he knows this anyway. The man’s not stupid. He just thinks I am. I mean, why would I want to play cards with him and do things with him and wish he were here more if I only wanted him for a kid? Why wouldn’t I just go entertain my own self in another room and ignore him if that was all I wanted from him?

Anyway, tomorrow I’ll make the appointment for birth control and hope I don’t have any side effects from it.

He still insists that if we could go two weeks without discussing the kid, he’d cum and we’d have sex more often. Yeah, right! Do you know how many other things that he’s insisted would help him that we did that didn’t help him? The only reason why he doesn’t want to discuss it is cuz he doesn’t want a kid and the subject scares him and turns him off.

I’m sorry I called him names, I’m sorry I screamed at him, but I can’t buy anything he says anymore. He’s just too contradictory and he just can’t put his actions where his mouth is most of the time.

I’m just gonna get on the pill and try to not let the thought of not having a kid get to me as much as I can. As well as my anger towards him or feelings of not being good enough for him. I shouldn’t feel like I’m not good enough for him after all. It’s his fucking choice to not cum. It isn’t my fault. Why do I feel the need to blame and punish myself for things that aren’t my fault?

He still says he’d prefer me not to be on birth control, but that if I felt it’d help me - go for it. I can see just how upset he is about the idea. There goes his #1 thing to bullshit me about and I’m sure he’s gonna do stuff to make me feel punished for taking his fun away from him and I’m sure he’s gonna pretend that my taking birth control is really making our sex lives way more miserable than ever. I ain’t gonna fall for it.

I’ve got to stop fighting God. I’ll just let him hate me and succumb to doing what he wants me to do.

I’m gonna prove Tom a liar yet again, though. I’m gonna go the two weeks without bringing up the subject and prove to him that that won’t be his cure to cumming and that he never will cum. Of course, then he’ll say something like, “I never said that,” or “I didn’t mean exactly two weeks. I need more like a month. Besides, it’s cuz of the birth control.” Well, I’ll just have to remember that if Tom says he wants a kid to tell him that’s selfish of him, rather than call him a liar.

As far as Robin goes? I don’t ever ever want her near me again. Don’t want to talk to her, don’t want to know her.

He also says he doesn’t want me to dance cuz he doesn’t want me to do anything that doesn’t make me happy. He means that doesn’t make him happy. Dancing had its drawbacks, but I certainly wasn’t unhappy about it. Besides, if he didn’t want me doing anything that made me unhappy, then why leave me childless all my life?

In the end, just like always, Tom will get his way. I’ll tell you this much, though. I’m not gonna work. So there’s one thing I’ll be doing that’ll make me happy. Just cuz I can’t do what I want doesn’t mean I’m gonna settle and go for second best and do something just cuz it’s all I can do. Tom’s gotten and will always get what he wants from me and now it’s my turn. Since I can’t get what I really want from him, other than his love, he’s gonna have to support me all his life. He at least owes me that much.

There is one other thing that happened and I will admit that this was my fault. Well, when I was screaming, he jumped up at me really quick to take hold of my arm to calm me down cuz his ears were hurting and you don’t do that to me. Not with my past. So, I kicked him in the balls and slapped him, then was prepared to do something much worse and pretty terrible to him when it hit me that he just might have no intention of attacking me and that he was just trying to calm me. So I ran out of the room and told myself that if he followed I’d put his lights out, but he never did. Yes, this was very wrong of me to assume that he’d be like others have been and I should’ve realized his true intentions since the man has not one violent bone in his body and could never hurt me. I told him I was so very sorry and that I’m glad I didn’t go any further. I would’ve hated to have to live with that guilt. I feel guilt, unlike most others. If only Tom would feel guilty about his big black lie to me, but if he doesn’t now, he never will. It’s a real damn shame, though, that such an otherwise great guy can have such a clear conscience about what he’s doing to me. It should be scary to me, but it isn’t. Just sad and infuriating.

In truth, yes, 90-something percent of me knew he didn’t spring up to attack me, but I guess I honestly used this as an excuse to get some of my anger out on him physically, even though I had no intentions of literally dogging him unless he or anyone else’s intentions were to do that to me. I’ve had many thoughts of beating on him and he says he doesn’t understand how I could always be angry at him about this, but how can I not? It’s not a little casual white lie that he’s told me. He lied to me in a big way about something that meant a lot to me and that I was counting on us doing.

If my screaming was really hurting his ears, then all the more reason why I can see he doesn’t want a kid. Kids scream all the time.

I know my life is over, in a sense, and that I have no purpose in this life but to please him and I guess I’ll just have to love him for what he is and take the life I’ve got, seeing that it could be much worse. I don’t have to work, I don’t have to be in Valleyhead again or live with my parents. All I have to do is give him what he wants and he wants no kid. Women forgive their husbands all the time for cheating on them and I know I’d forgive Tom if he did that to me, so I’ll just have to work on transforming my anger into forgiving him.

Later…

OK, this is the scoop. I reaffirmed that Tom says yes, two weeks without discussing a kid is his cure-all to being able to cum. When he doesn’t after those two weeks, then I make the appointment for birth control. Not cuz I fear I can get pregnant and don’t want to, but to help ease off some of this anger I feel towards him since on birth control I can’t accuse him of lying about getting me pregnant.

When I begin PMSing, I’ll take this Midol I got that’s supposed to ease the physical symptoms, but unfortunately not the emotional ones. Like Tom said, though, when you feel better physically, you feel better emotionally. I should think the pill will help me feel better emotionally cuz it should lessen the PMS and the period itself. That’s what it says in the encyclopedia.

I just realized something that’s a total first. We screwed today and today I’m mid-cycle. I guess I am anyway. How amazing. If he could cum, though, and if my plumbing was okay, how many months would it take to hit it right, I wonder?

Yesterday I did give them a note next door, knowing that they’d never just turn the car stereo down on their own. I thanked them for being my “dream neighbors” as they are quiet in all other ways and asked if they could just please cut the car stereo volume upon coming and going cuz we sleep weird hours. I also told them that the last family that lived there was pretty wild and that I really appreciate their quietness and that they could come to join us for coffee anytime they liked. Also, if they were still looking for a babysitter, check next door to them on the other side cuz they do daycare. Lastly, let me know if my music gets too loud.

It’s too soon to tell, but so far they’ve been cool and they came in with the stereo going really soft. Not enough at all to wake me up.

As I went to put the note in their mail slot, Joely, as I found out is her name, was on her way out and took the note from me.

I could be way off base with my presumption here, but I kind of get the feeling that they’re a Dave and Barb I type. He seems calm, collected and passive and she seems like she could be a snotty, aggressive bitch. All she said was her name when I approached her, then said “Okay” when she took the note and then I walked back here. As I was opening the front door to come in, I glanced back and noticed her watching me with a blank expression. If it meant anything, I have no idea. Then, a few minutes later I was in the music room as she was on her way out and thought I heard her say something like “I don’t care,” in a sure way, but not softly, loudly, or angrily. She was talking to Mike, obviously, but who knows what’s really on their minds or what they’re gonna do?

The weekend’s not over yet, so we’ll see, but I have a feeling I’m not gonna get that transformer or that bird perch after this morning’s fight.

Oh, how I just want to go back to those days when a kid was the last thing on my mind. I really, really do! I should be praying to God for that. That’s something he’d love me for and would happily agree with. Then again, maybe not. I think he wants to punish me and make me have these feelings of hurt and anger. If I got over it, he’d go do something else. I should remind myself that I’d be just as miserable, maybe more, if we had a kid. It’s like trying to quit smoking. It’s just swapping in one misery for another. God would make sure that motherhood really did make me miserable and ruin our marriage or stick something else in my life for me to be punished by and feel sad and pissed.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 1996 I slept great and they came in silence next door. Yup, they’re back. I saw a car out there.

I updated my journal chart in columns, now that I know how to do that. I fit it into 2 pages and 2 columns.

I can’t get into my library book, so I think I’ll go work some more on the computer.

Later…

It’s already warming up out there and I’ve got my suit on, but I’ll wait a while before trying to get any color. Yesterday I was in the pool just up to the top of my belly button. It’s in the low 80s.

Tom went to bed about an hour ago and says tomorrow he’ll push himself to stay up as long as he can so he can work days again.

Tom says as soon as we’ve got the money, we can get those bee things, but he wonders if they’re for real and if they won’t rip us off. Well, it’s something I want really bad, so they just might rip us off.

They must’ve left early this morning cuz there’s no car over next door. Maybe they’re not fully moved in yet after all. If they’re not fully moved in, then I wonder where they’re coming from that’s allowing them to take their sweet time. Did they come from an apartment where their lease still isn’t up? Why would they get a house 2 or 3 months before their lease was up? Maybe they just couldn’t pass up this particular house for some reason. Still, they’ve been too good to be true and I hope and pray that it stays that way! I can’t believe how right Robin’s been so far, but believe what she told me yesterday? No way! I wish I could and there are some things she says that I can believe, but this?! I don’t think so.

Tom’s a smart guy, so why would it take him this long to realize that there are always gonna be things going on in life and start cumming now? No, he just plain and simply doesn’t want a kid. And I can’t see God changing his mind now either.

If I don’t get the rest of the stuff that Gloria’s fan club promised to send real soon, I’m gonna send them a letter about it. Gloria herself did say that she’d get on people’s cases about shit like this. But to pay $18 bucks for 1 picture, 1 pin, and 2 newsletters in 2 years is getting rather ridiculous.

Later…

I’ve created a new file called the backtrak file and it’s where I’m gathering all the stuff I’ve written about life before the journals. Most of it is life before the journals, anyway.

I’m gonna continue on now with life at the beach and then maybe I can describe where other family members lived and describe them better. I’ve already described members on Tom’s side of the family since we all met after I began writing and at a time when I wasn’t such a vague writer.

When I was little we rented a few places at an all-white, predominately Jewish beach in Old Lyme, Connecticut. It was just over an hour’s drive from our house in Longmeadow. I barely remember the places we rented, but I do remember when we got the one we owned. It was a run-down shack at the time and my parents fixed it up real nice in no time at all. It wasn’t too big of a cottage at all. About 600 square feet. It was in the shape of a square and had 4 bedrooms that were square to each other, a living room and eating area, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a small enclosed porch in front. We used the first front bedroom as a den. Eventually, two walls were torn out so there was one big master bedroom and one other smaller bedroom and the den and living room became connected and formed an L shape.

I hated it there and I loved it there, but for the most part, I hated it. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse and I was always jealous of other kids cuz they got to stay up later, or cuz they could wear the clothes they wanted or their hair the way they wanted and I don’t know how many other mothers called their daughters fat pigs. At the same time most mothers believe their kids are the best and want to show them off and speak well of them, my mother was always wishing I could be like some other kid and she had a lot of negative things to say about me constantly.

We were 7 cottages away from the start of the beach and next to me, lived Andy and his family for the summer. Our parents were good friends for about 30 years until the mid-70s.

We were on a lot called KOMMS since 7 families bought the 7 cottages at once on this lot. The last names were the initials. The K’s had a 2-story cottage. All the other cottages were the same size as ours.

My mother always made Tammy and I spend the day on the beach unless it was raining and I hated that. I’d want to go back and listen to music and just be alone, besides sleeping in, but Ma wouldn’t have it.

Some of the happier times I remember are when Nana and Pa, my mom’s parents, would come down from time to time and stay with us for a few days. July 4th fireworks were always nice as were the weekly movies they’d have a night on the beach and all the games they’d have a few streets down on Hartford Ave. Our street was Breen Ave.

Later…

I’ll continue on with the beach later, but Robin’s so full of it already! They just came home next door blaring that car stereo and I could hear it in the kitchen. That definitely would’ve woken me up and I couldn’t have been dreaming the other day. Oh, I’m so fucking pissed! Doesn’t this guy get it? If I get woken up one more time, I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 1996 It was 13 years ago today that I jumped and I’m doing all I can to keep my mind off of it so as not to have any flashbacks.

I want to type the very bizarre conversation I had with Robin yesterday and I really mean it when I say it’s the wildest conversation I’ve ever had with her. I can’t type it, though, cuz something’s wrong with the computer. I get a weird message about something about a disk drive error. Then it says to press any key to continue, but that doesn’t help. Well, Tom should be home in an hour and a half so then he can fix it.

I’ve been forgetting all about working on backtracking through my life, but I’ll probably get back to that at some point during my next journal.

I asked Tom if he was reading my journals. He said no, which a good 95% - 98% of me believes.

Hopefully, Tom can find a new transformer for the vibrator over the weekend. He says he doesn’t even know if he has the right one cuz it’s an unusual voltage. It figures. Everything with sex that pertains to me is unusual.

OK, about my chat with Robin. I’d love to think our chat was my imagination, but I’m as sure of it as I’m sure of when Tom and I chat.

Before I get into it, though, the question is how and why would Robin want to turn on me? What did I do to make her tell me such a lie? Although, she did say she expected me to laugh and not believe her and that I could cuss her out and call her a liar all I wanted.

Well, she says I’ll be pregnant real soon, and that it’s over (all the torture and misery I felt about this subject). She knows it’s been a long hard haul, but that I got through it and survived. She swears I’ll be pregnant real soon and no, God doesn’t hate me and it won’t kill me or my marriage. She says it’ll help our marriage, the labor and delivery will go fast and that I won’t need a C-section and I won’t be as sick as I was in the NHA. We had a very lengthy discussion, so I’ll try to remember everything else we talked about later.

Later…

I had one of the two huge baked potatoes I made and Tom can have the other one.

Anyway, Robin said she had no exact dates on anything and didn’t know when or if I’d quit smoking. Actually, she said I would, but doesn’t know when. She said she gets all her information from God and that she knows my basic life plan and when I’ll die, but doesn’t know little details and trivial stuff. In other words, she doesn’t necessarily know what I’ll eat for dinner tomorrow.

She told me that it’s not that Tom really didn’t want a kid or had been planning on waiting, but that things going on in our lives were the issue. She said his subconscious will soon become free of worries about waiting till nothing’s going on cuz he’s gonna realize that things are always gonna be going on and that his subconscious will stop using that as an excuse.

She said I could tell Tom of our talk, but to try to remain as low-key as I can to help fate play itself out, even though it’s fated to be anyway and is inevitable.

Later…

I stopped writing cuz Andy called. He too, didn’t really know what to make of what Robin said.

Tom’s home now and says he’s working from 9 PM - 5 AM tomorrow night.

Back to what Robin said. She said whether I hated her or not and whether I wanted her to or not, she’ll always be looking out for me.

Yeah, well, if I find out she’s lying and she’s got to be, I’m not gonna want a damn thing to do with her anymore and I shall hope that she’ll be prepared to tell me why she had to suddenly start lying to me. Why would she want to hurt me? She was right about next door and other stuff, so why would she want to lie to me now?

I don’t think next door’s been over there, though, since yesterday or nearly two days ago.

I did tell Tom of my talk with Robin and he said don’t jump to conclusions cuz that’s what gets in the way of things happening. He said don’t believe or disbelieve her, but just let things play themselves out before deciding whether it’s true or not. He said this, but his appearance and mannerisms seemed to say, “This isn’t gonna happen so don’t bother getting your hopes up. It’s not at all gonna happen cuz I’m gonna keep on making sure it doesn’t.”

He also said he doesn’t have to read my journals to know I write bad things about him since I say bad things about him.

Oh, okay. Well, I may have said mean things to him out of anger, but other than that, I simply write what I see and believe.

Tom fixed the computer problem. He’s using the computer now, guiding Eldon, who he says is so stupid, through his latest computer crisis.

I need to update my journal chart sometime soon. The typed version I like to have, I mean. The written one I keep in #77 is all up to date. I just wish our ribbon wasn’t so dead, so I’ll just print at a higher resolution.

If I remember anything else Robin and I spoke about, I’ll write it in, of course. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music.

One more thing. Alex had bad arm luck, but fortunately for him, he didn’t break it. He just banged it up in a skiing accident.

Later…

What a scary close call I just had! I went out to smoke a cigarette, then when I turned around to come back in, there was a black widow on the door. Tom killed it, but is it a coincidence that it should be here on this day? I hope not and I sure hope they don’t ever come inside the house!

My birds are up now, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to go back out there just yet. Yesterday a bird tried to land in the back room window, but the strip around it was too narrow for him to stay there for more than a few seconds. We’re gonna make a little perch for them one of these days.

I wish he’d hurry up and get off the phone so I can finish typing the last 30 pages of the last book.

Perhaps I should go read for now.

When it warms up out there so I can turn the cooler on to keep the smell out, I’ll spray Raid around the doorway and those parts of the patio area where I hang out.

Later…

I just remembered. That’s it! No wonder I had such a horrible feeling when I went out back at around 1:30 AM. It was due to the black widow being right there. I really do vibe spiders. This has been one of my continual strengths as far as ESP goes.

I wonder if the coupon I got for Midol is a “sign” to help me to be low-key. It’s for PMS and I’m gonna give it a try.

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 1996 Tom should be home any minute now, so I’ll just say that before I fell asleep close to noon, Robin came to me and told me I’d sleep just fine and that I still had nothing to worry about as far as next door’s concerned. She also wouldn’t say what or give any details, but she did say that I’d be surprised by what could happen by July 10th. I’m not sure I buy the last thing she said, but she sure did mean it when she said I’d sleep okay and for this, I’m more than grateful.

Later…

Tom’s home and eating now. It still doesn’t look good for him working nights. Yeah, I figured. I mean, I’m not surprised, since it just doesn’t seem meant to be for us to spend more time together. Even if we spent all day and every day together, I still don’t think we’d have more sex. The lack of sex and the denial of a kid isn’t just God’s doing. It’s his own choice too. You can’t make yourself get into something you’re just not into. And you can’t always make someone into something or make them do something they don’t want to do. He still has hopes of finding a way to get on nights full-time, but I have a strong vibe that it isn’t gonna happen.

Like I said, things will be the same for years in general and there’ll never be a kid. I told him, though, not to just take my word for it and to check it out anyway. I just think that the more we want something, the less likely it is to happen (especially with me). Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t psychic. I hate having a strong vibe of something bad and then knowing it’s gonna happen, then seeing it happen. If I weren’t psychic, it’d still be obvious, for example, that Tom doesn’t want a kid by his not cumming. If he couldn’t get hard at all, then I’d believe he had a true problem that was out of his control. But anyone that’s the way he is has one fear in mind and one fear only…a kid.

Yesterday I got to thinking about all the pictures my mom stole. Boy, I sure do miss them at times.

I asked Tom if there’s anything he’d like me to tell this journal and he said I could get writing my retractions. Meaning, say I’m sorry that I say he’s a liar. I told him he hasn’t given me any reason to and that if he pulls his pants down and gives me a reason to, then I will.

I then mentioned calling the radio station to try to request a song, but then he said I won’t be listening to it (cuz we’ll be having sex). Now he’s in the bathroom taking a dump and he took in a library book with him. Yeah, I’ll bet he’s jerking it off right now, too.

Andy left me a message in response to my laughing on his machine about the snow Tammy’s got and he was laughing, too. He said he talked to his friend Adam at the hotel and that he and his coworkers were so jealous about it being 88 degrees here today.

Later…

We had sex and now he’s gone to bed. I told him that I’d write in here about how he’s gonna finish what I’ve started before he falls asleep. He just denied that, of course, and told me I was a nut.

There were pros and cons to the sex we just had. After my periods I feel better emotionally, but it’s harder for me to cum and I thought I’d never cum at one point. The good thing about his not wanting to fully participate in sex is that I can just have him pull out and go down on me if I’m close but am having a hard time cumming easily. If the sex was mutual for us, I wouldn’t be able to do that without him feeling teased and saying I was selfish.

So, that goes to prove again that all bad things have good in them and that good things have bad in them.

He picked up 3 interesting books from the library today when he went to return my John Saul book and renew another one I’ve just begun. One’s titled How to Turn Hobbies into Cash, but it’s not what we thought it’d be about. We thought that if your hobby is drawing, for example, it’d tell you the best way to go about selling your drawings, but instead it’s about selling others that draw things related to drawing. Take my journal-writing, for example, I’d be selling other people’s journals, pens, bookmarks and stuff like that.

The other one is Card Games for Two which is nice since everything’s usually family this and family that.

The last one was instructions for many different kinds of games.

Later…

I just stopped to feed the birds. That weird-looking one I call Measles, that’s white with gray splotches, comes around regularly now.

I just realized something. Tom’s exact words were that I could “retract all the horrible things I’ve been writing about him.”

A-ha. So, he’s been reading my journals. How else would he know I’ve been writing horrible things about him? That’d even mean that he’s read my list of stuff I said won’t happen by July 10th. You see, the reason why we agreed to not read what each other wrote was so that one couldn’t be influenced by the other, but I know better. Meaning, it doesn’t matter what I say, cuz if it isn’t something he wants, there’s nothing I could do to influence him into it. So, if he’s read my list or anything else, oh well. It’s not gonna change a damn thing. He’s a very stubborn, arrogant and determined guy. If he decides there’ll be no kid, there’ll be no kid and he’ll do or say whatever he has to do to get his way while keeping me and anything else he may want to keep along with it. Just as long as nothing enters his life that he’s against. Of course, he’d be against getting in a car accident, but that’s nothing he can guarantee in the way that he could guarantee that I don’t get pregnant.

To break down and examine one of the 3 theories I have as to why God’s dead-set against me having a child - the paying for the sins of the forefathers one, well, I thought about it. Now, all my life I’ve felt punished and have been punished/cursed in many different ways. One thing after another. I wonder, then, if it’s possible that God wanted to torture me with Tom’s not cumming, then at a later date will let Tom not be afraid to cum, then I’ll have to deal with the torture of really knowing that the DES did get the best of me. I already know that, but then there’s really knowing it. I’ve only been sprayed 10-15 times before by other guys, so maybe that’s it. Maybe he wants to torture me for a few years with this, then let him let himself cum, then get my hopes up slightly, only to see that year after year the DES got me. I don’t know. After all, it does seem more likely that together Tom and God will see to it that Tom just never cums at all. No matter if we see doctors or not and no matter what’s going on in our lives.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 1996 I’m not sure if I dreamt it or if next door’s car music really did wake me up. Tom said there was no way it was next door cuz he didn’t hear anything, and he saw the 3 of them pull in as he went out to pick up smokes an hour earlier. Then, how could I dream something that seemed so real? I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though. If that damn car stereo does wake me up, I won’t hesitate to go over there and say, “Look, I’ve asked you twice and now I’m asking for the last time that you cut the thing down upon coming and going. Way down.”

I asked Tom if they had their music on when they arrived and he said no, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It does appear that they are here full-time, though.

I’m just so sick of other people’s noise. Their dogs, their kids, their cars, etc. One good thing about it is that I haven’t heard the kid next door. Yet. I’m almost ready to believe Robin on this one, but not quite just yet. Not fully anyhow, and as for believing her when she says I’ll be pregnant soon enough? What a joke!

Tom says we might not even be here in the mid-summer. I asked him if he knew something I didn’t and he said no, he’s just more faithful in things and more optimistic. That seems more like being unrealistic to me and like a tease or a joke unless we win the lottery. I still say it’ll be several years before we move, but something else he said was a definite joke. He said that he thinks I’ll find something to do that I like. He said sometime this year is when he thinks I’ll find that, but probably even by mid-summer. I know he’s talking about the kid, but I still didn’t think he still thought I was stupid. I thought he was over his old tricks. I wasn’t about to call him a liar, cuz then he’d just insist that it was simply his opinion and he has a right to that. Well, the good thing about it is that he did say nothing’s guaranteed. Sure they are. Some things are. I can guarantee we’ll never have a kid.

Andy and I were talking about that last night. He’s not sure why he feels cursed and why he’s destined to be alone forever, but his theory is that one where we pay for the sins of our forefathers from 4000 years ago. He said it was written in the bible and that this sick, unfair rule of God was meant for the Jews. Well, the fact that the bulk of the bible is BS, gives me hope that this isn’t true. I know God does lots of sick, cruel, and mean things, but who knows? I know God can’t hate gays. Hell, he doesn’t even hate murderers, cuz if he hated anything or anyone, then I should think he’d eliminate it altogether from the face of the earth.

Andy says he believes that he won’t know the reasons why he was cursed in certain ways till after he’s dead, whereas I have 3 theories as to why God’s denying me a kid. 1. To pay for the sins of my forefathers. 2. Cuz it’d kill me and my marriage. 3. Cuz I’m not a bad enough person who kills or does other serious crimes, nor have I been a victim of such a thing as bad as molestation or anything like that. It’s got to be 1 or more of these 3 things, cuz if there’s any other reason, I can’t see it.

This isn’t a complaint, since I can’t hear it in the house, but just an observation. I am amazed at how much late-night noise I hear off in the distance. As late as midnight I can hear adults, dogs and even kids.

I just hope that the day will really come when I fully realize I don’t have to worry about next door or be paranoid about them in any way. And I hope it comes soon. Right now for example, even though Tom insists it was a dream, I’m afraid of being woken up by that damn bass of the car music, the next time I go to bed. Not only do I not want to worry for my sake, I really want a damn good excuse and reason to really believe in Robin. Oh, I believe in her. I just don’t know if I can buy every single thing she tells me. Should I believe everything she’s told me about next door, about Tom not lying about the kid and about my getting pregnant, I wonder what was their purpose in all this? To help me get through the waiting time till I know these things for sure if I ever really do? If she’s bullshitting me on that, then why would she do that? To go along with the story of my life? Meaning, God’s insistence that I be bullshitted so much? Is she just a new liar to replace old liars who are either no longer in my life or those who are but who no longer lie to me?

Before going to Andy’s yesterday, I got a message that Karson left him that he stuck on my machine. Karson was whining something along the lines of, “I know Mystery’s mad at me cuz I’m pregnant but tell her that her idol is gonna be performing here live sometime soon, but I don’t know when for sure.”

That’s OK cuz I hate live concerts and Gloria will be here in July and Andy and I both certainly hate Karson’s guts. Well, I can’t say that I hate her as she never really did me wrong. She’s just too whacked out and I’m not the Massachusetts Jodi anymore, so I don’t like getting phone calls 5 times a day anymore.

I’m doing a large ceiling-to-floor cat for Andy, but it’s somewhat different from mine. Its tail will be behind it, rather than gathered around in front of it like mine.

Andy’s place may be somewhat quieter than here, but although he has no desire to move for quite a while, he’s come to see that it’s not as quiet as he thought it’d be. He says across the street from him he hears a baby cry on a daily basis. Also, he does hear some dogs. I heard one for about two minutes while I was there, but couldn’t see or tell where it was coming from.

I typed up a book with recipes for arts and crafts stuff in it for Tom. It was a library book that is due back today. There were just over 100 of them and I did it in 3 days. I also did manage to size up letters on Kim’s stationery that she sent, after a few tries.

Later…

OK, what the hell is he up to now? Get this, he’s now trying to tell me that there are significant changes going on in our lives, but I can’t see them cuz they’re gradual changes and I’m not used to gradual changes, only sudden ones.

First of all, let me say that it doesn’t look good at all for him getting on nights. Bummer, but I guess they’re just not gonna need more people cuz according to him, there’s hardly any work to do. Now who knows if and when we’ll ever get ahead in life and have more time together? He says, though, that this is a good thing cuz he at least didn’t get himself locked into anything. True, and I guess he’s gonna have to stay on days for a while, but that good feeling I had revolving around a job or raise in June is hopefully still on. I mean, I still hope that something better comes up for him during that time.

Anyway, he said he’s so sure that my life won’t be the same by July 10th and that he wants us both to write down what we feel won’t change and he’ll let me throw it in his face and call him a liar in July if I’m as right as I know I’ll be. So, we wrote down what we think will still be the same (believe me, my life will be the same for years) and we didn’t show each other what we wrote. Instead, we sealed them in an envelope which is not to be opened till then.

He really loves to play games with me. And what is he, does he get off on me throwing things up in his face or something? Does he get off by my calling him a liar and telling him I told him so about certain things he insists will change or happen that I know won’t or can’t?

God is he weird! He either knows something I don’t or is just playing his usual games. The trick is to get my hopes up or try to anyway just to see me fail, not get what I want so I can be upset over it while he laughs to himself.

Nonetheless, here’s what I wrote. Things that won’t happen or change by July 10th:

I’ll still be smoking. I’ll still have a weird schedule. We’ll still be living here. The money situation may be better, but not a lot. You still won’t cum. I won’t be pregnant. I either won’t be working or I’ll be doing something that’s no big deal to me. You still won’t want to have sex more often with me and sex will still be basically one-sided (for me). I’ll still be angry at you here and there and feel you’re lying and teasing me about having a kid and that it’s not what you want. We won’t have the bed or even half of the material things we want. Later…

I just called Tammy about an hour ago and she sounded really bummed out. She told me to check the computer for her message. I immediately thought something was wrong. I thought maybe Bill was sick or something. I asked if she needed to talk and she said no. So I told her I’d go check the message, then send a reply. She said, “Oh, I’m sure you will.”

She woke up to a foot of snow, schools were closed, she had to cancel patients since Bill took her van which ended up getting stuck, she was cold, etc.

Oh, this is soooooooooooooo fucking funny!! So they’re getting April snow showers, instead of April showers! I left Andy a message, laughing my ass off as I read her message. It’ll totally make his day. He could wake up on the wrong side of the bed and this will totally snap him out of it.

It’s already getting hot out there, but God how I hate it here at times! Those fucking dogs two yards down really make me wish I had a gun! It’s so sad and so cruel just how many dogs are left outside 24/7. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Arizona had a law against dogs being allowed indoors.

They better fucking not wake me up next door, either, or I’ll be sooo pissed and boy will I let them know it! Please Robin, please be right and watch over me and keep them quiet! Please don’t compensate me for the peace I’ve had since the music stopped across the street and since the M's shut up (except for the ball games and dogs). Please don’t stick the car music on me in place of kids or ball games. Please, God, please!? I know I’m blessed with being in Arizona, but please let me sleep and have my peace?!

As far as the lousy winter goes that New England’s had in ‘93 and ‘96, compensation really does happen. No wonder I can’t have a kid and Andy’s loveless.

Mike Tyson’s in trouble again since a woman filed a sexual assault charge on him. See? A rapist can’t be changed. No matter if they’re rich, poor, famous or not.

The Phoenix Pig Department is under fire again too, for harassing people. I never thought I could hate pigs and authority figures so much, but I do. When Andy was driving me home the other night, the pigs were speeding for no reason at all. They think they’re God.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure I hate just about everyone in general.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1996 Well, Tom should be home any minute now.

From 11:30 PM - 3:00 AM I was at Andy’s He picked me up and fed me lasagna from work, then he went out food shopping while I got very, very lucky. I didn’t think I’d be able to do another cat drawing as I’ve got in the music room, but so far, so good.

He’s home now, so I’ll write more about it later.

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 1996 Tom fixed the bathroom sink which is nice. Before, the water would fill up in the sink and take forever to drain.

For the millionth time, I told Tom that I need and want to have more sex and that I don’t want to feel like I’m the last priority of the day. I may be glad I don’t have the typical male here, but must he be so different? Can’t he be somewhat like the average guy for a change and not be so weird? Will my message sink in this time or is he really never gonna be that into me and sex?

He did go down on me, which was great. Then, after a few minutes of banging, he had to stop due to his worries and doubts as to what I thought of him. Perfect timing to ask such a thing. I mean, I’m glad he asked, but he’s a real winner, I swear!

I’m gonna go now and see if I can fit print on some really pretty floral stationery Kim sent me. Then, maybe I’ll start Sarah’s letter, as well as Kim and Bob’s.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 1996 Soon, I’ll be writing about going over to his parents’ place and more. First, though, I’d like to watch some TV.

Later…

He woke me up at 2 PM and yes, I was dog tired, but I woke up quickly. We took off an hour later for Mom and Dad’s where food and people were waiting for us.

Steven and Carol were there and soon Ray and Nora came over. Their daughter Jackie was there with her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s kid. The boyfriend, Jim, who lives in an apartment, was going on about how he too, hates the paper-thin walls the apartments have out here.

Then Carol went on to say how people in houses aren’t always so quiet either. From the sound of it, she’s got a large family next to her as well as a dog that never shuts up.

After a few hours, we came home.

It looks like they might be fully moved in. Tom said he saw a black car out there, but I’ve only seen a red one and a blue one, so who knows whose it is. I could’ve sworn I heard the kid screaming over there.

Great. I’m really gonna enjoy that next fall when we turn off our fans and stuff like that that helps block noise from outside.

Tom’s got to stay up late cuz he’s working the night shift this week. I’m sure he’s also putting sex off (if he wants it) till the last minute to tease me and to make it easier for him to hold back. He still hasn’t touched me, but hey, he just has to punish me for nearly taking away his favorite thing to tease me with. For the most part, I’d still rather cry over never having a kid, than have one.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 1996 The vibrator is just about completely dead and Tom said that the transformer he put on died and that it wasn’t the right one. Well, then why’d he put this one on? He says he has others that are right for it.

He wanted to have sex earlier but then changed his mind cuz I had to tell him something first. I can’t do or say anything in order to get laid! He knew when I was going to use the vibrator, too, and why he didn’t offer himself instead, beats me.

He also swears he didn’t lie about wanting to place the bet, he said he made a mistake by placing that bet and didn’t know it’d be a mistake at the time he placed it with me. He said you can’t call someone a liar for making a mistake. What a casual way to cover up the truth! I mean, how fucking convenient! He’s gonna use that same idea for the appointment next year if we do go. He’ll say he thought maybe it could help us and he honestly tried to make it work and let it help him, but that’ll be a mistake, too.

He swears he still wants a kid and that it’s possible, but I don’t want to be set up by him or myself to fall, even though it sometimes makes me so very, very sad to know we’ll never have one.

He asked me if I meant it when I said I didn’t want a kid a few days ago. I do, but I know it’s not right and that it won’t happen, so it doesn’t matter what I want, right? Not when he’s got all the control and the power to let us have a kid or to make sure we don’t. The ball’s in his court and it’s all up to him, as I told him. Along with God.

Why does God hate me so much? Sometimes I feel he hates me so damn much and really wants to just torture the shit out of me. What did I do to make him hate me so much? And if it’s true that we pay for the sins of our forefathers, then what did any of my ancestors do that was so bad? He must have hated the hell out of someone so bad that did something so very wrong to have me pay for it for the rest of my life, if it isn’t all cuz it’s me he hates and me only. There’s always a price to pay for the wonderful things we do get, too. If I were pregnant, would God replace my life with some other issue that would make me angry and depressed? Would he make sure the kid was deformed? Would he make sure the labor and delivery drove me out of my mind? Would he make sure I was a bad mom? Would he ruin our marriage? What would he do if he let me have my way on this one? I’ll never know.

It’s so hard sometimes to tell myself that Tom and God really did make the correct decision. It’s so hard to not blow up at Tom cuz he can’t deal with that. Why can’t people just have the things they want in life? If not everything they want, then why not the things they want the most? I’m not asking to be 6 feet tall or anything far out. I’m just asking for a child to love and to hopefully be loved back by that child and to make a difference for the better in that child’s life and to not be like my mom was.

I envy Tammy and Larry. They know what they want to do with their lives and they have kids. Me? I’m 30 years old and I don’t know what the fuck I want to do since I can’t do what I want to do.

Tom said he wouldn’t have sex with me, if I didn’t want a kid, without birth control of some kind. What a waste of time, effort and money! That tells me that he’s probably thinking, “If she’s on birth control, then I can cum without having to worry about ending up with this kid I never wanted. Meanwhile, as long as she says she does want one, I’ll go along with it, say I want one, too, and take care of my own self.” He probably wouldn’t cum right away to try to cover for the truth, though, knowing him.

I still wish I knew how this was gonna end and when. Will he ever come out and admit he never wanted one? Or will he suddenly decide he doesn’t want one and tell me that, even though he never wanted one? I think he’ll always swear to wanting one, swear he tried, but just couldn’t ever cum.

This is what I did about the letters. I ditched Bob’s letters but cut out about 6 drawings he did that I like and want to draw myself and put them in the back of this journal. I kept everyone else’s letters, but will no longer keep any letters unless they’re different or special to me for some reason.

I spoke to Mom and Dad (Anna & Harry) yesterday. First Dad answered and didn’t know who I was at first. He was happy to hear from me. Then he said, “Here’s your mother.”

She got on saying, “Hi Peanuts, what’s up?” and we had a very good talk. She and her family are in good health and they were once out in Scottsdale and says you never know if they’ll ever come out here again. She says her son Freddie divorced, remarried, and has a 6-month-old son as well as a 12-year-old son with his first wife. She complimented me on my artwork and they said to give their love to Tom and that they’re so happy for me and my life out here. Of course, they don’t know that I cry over this baby I can never have. She also said she’ll be answering my letter and I told her to take her time since I know how busy she is.

Oh, how I hope Tom and I can see them someday, even if it’s for one last time.

Andy’s new number will be easy to remember. He got rid of his number that began with 508 cuz he said it was too much like a pager.

Andy got a letter from Sarah who now lives with her boyfriend in L.A. I’ll be sending her a letter and I’m sure I’ll be hearing from her, too.

Tom said it’s OK to listen to and consider what she and Robin may tell me, but that I must make my own decisions and not look for signs or other sources. Well, it’s awfully hard to make a decision you can’t make. And I’m sorry, but other sources are a factor and they don’t let me make my own decisions.

I have been having more dreams with babies in them as I asked for as a sign of whatever, but it never seems to be our kid. The kid is always someone else’s, so it seems and I’m just a bystander. It must be something about Kim getting pregnant, although she said she was gonna wait till right after she’s married. Maybe they set a date and that’s why I’ve been having more. Who knows what the dreams mean?

Tomorrow I have to get up earlier to go to his parent’s house to see Steven and his family who came in for Easter. I don’t think Steven’s wife’s son Matthew will be there, though. I think he’s with his dad. Carol’s parents own a private plane, so that’s how they came over. Steven and Carol will be staying with Mom and Dad for a couple of days I guess and they’ll surely be in for lots of noise! That place is a wild, horrendous zoo.

I’m probably gonna be bored out of my mind tomorrow for the most part, since Tom will no doubt want to stay there for hours since he doesn’t get to see Steven too often. I hope I’m not dog-tired, either.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 1996 Yup, the guy Andy met was ugly.

Sometimes I still wish Tom and I could have normal sex and a child, but I understand that this always will and must remain just a fantasy.

I’m through begging and pleading with Tom and God about it and they’ll never change their minds about it.

They’re over there next door now, but I don’t know for how long.

Tom’s been on the phone now for quite a while at the computer guiding Eldon through some problem.

He seems to be in a great mood since I said I knew I had to stick to my decision and since I told him I’ll try my best not to get upset over his decision which is the same as mine.

He was affectionate earlier but showed no desire to have sex. I saw a slight grin on his face when I went to use the vibrator. It was like he was saying to himself, “Oh, good. She’s gonna use the vibrator, so I don’t have to worry about her bugging me for sex.” I wonder if his grin also had to do with the fact that maybe he fucked up the vibrator as a mean, teasing joke. It seemed to lose half its power after I said I was getting dependent on it and he knows if that happens, he can’t tease me with sex as much.

I called my dad earlier to wish him a happy birthday and Ma was on the phone too. I told Dad that if we were there in June, I could help with fitting the candles on Ma’s birthday cake and that maybe we could get her a cake in the shape of an airplane.

He also said he spoke to Tammy who woke up to snow this morning! It’s April yet they still have snow!!

THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 1996 Andy’s meeting a guy he’s spoken to over that meeting line and he said he doesn’t want to waste his time on him if he’s ugly like the last guy that he met. It was kind of funny, too, cuz he said, “If he’s ugly, I’m gonna ditch him and watch Dark Shadows.” So, this is our plan. I’ll call him at 12:30 and I’ll be from out of state. I’ll say to him that I really need to talk and if he says he can’t, that means the guy’s cute. If the guy’s ugly, he’ll tell him he got an urgent long-distance call and will ditch him.

He’ll be ditching him. I know that love isn’t meant for Andy any more than a baby is for me.

Yesterday and today Tom and I talked and we both agree that we need to be able to communicate better. It’s really weird cuz I feel as if I’m one of the bluntest people, yet people still don’t get me. Also, I’m really good with most people, but he’s a tough one at times, even though I know deep down where he stands on most things. He’s just too contradicting, as far as I’m concerned and not blunt enough with me. He admitted that he’ll offer to do things for me even if he doesn’t want to. Well, then how can I believe he isn’t full of shit and saying he wants a kid when he obviously doesn’t, even though he swears he does?

I know I’m not perfect and that I can’t always deliver the things I say I’ll do, but I’m still a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. One minute he expresses how he’s afraid to do what he wants (not have a kid), but worries that I’ll be angry, bitter and resentful about it. Then in the next breath, he says he wants a kid and swears we’ll have more sex and that he’s doing all he can so we can have a kid, but won’t cum and we don’t end up having more sex, either. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too. He’s gonna have to make up his mind and do what he says he’s decided to do.

Me? My heart still cries out for a kid, but my head still believes that I made the right decision (even though I’ve got no choice and he pretends to be sad about it) not to have a kid cuz it’s not the right thing to do or a good thing to do.

Before he went to bed he said he felt better and that he’s cautiously hopeful. He says he’s encouraged but doesn’t want to jump the gun, but there really isn’t anything to hope for or to jump the gun for. We’re still gonna have our good days and our bad days and I’ll still get angry and sad over the decisions he’s made for us, etc. Regardless of our attitudes or what either of us wants, thinks, believes or feels, nothing’s gonna change. Tom and God will see to that. I will just go on loving this man for all his wonderful qualities, while still being angry at his lying to me about a kid here and there, even though I’m glad it turned out this way and glad I don’t have to worry about pregnancy, even though I’d still like that mutual sex. And he’ll go on being burdened by when I do go through my angry spells and all the while keep on denying it’s his choice to not cum and he’ll swear he always wanted a kid.

He said the most ridiculous thing to me last night. He said that if I gave up on trying for a kid now, we’ll never know if we couldn’t or could’ve had one cuz of all the fighting we’ve done about it for the last 2½ and a half years and that the last 2½ and a half years don’t count or matter. How insulting. Besides, what with most couples out there being unhappy and what with the way they fight, you’d think the human race would be just about extinct, but no, instead most couples do have kids.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 1996 Last night and today really sucked. But I got my period, so I’ll be OK for the next 20-some-odd days till I have to go through this anger and depression all over again.

When I asked him why the hell he made the bet in the first place if he didn’t want to, all he said was that it couldn’t hurt to do something again, even though it failed in the past and he really believed he’d cum. Yeah, right. The guy’s just got too many fucking excuses and anyone can say they really believed something would work. I’m just so sick of his excuses and how he casually lies and covers up the truth. I know that I-cum-without-warning line was just to cover up the truth. How convenient to say, “It feels so good that I don’t want to pull out, but I don’t know when to pull out to finish it off since I cum without warning.” This is total bullshit and like I said before if it feels so good to him and he loves me so much, then why isn’t that enough? Why does he always need more time to be able to cum? Wasn’t I good enough from the beginning? I know I sure as hell believe that if you love someone enough and are attracted to them, there shouldn’t be any problems unless it’s physical.

Then last night and today he’s gone on all about how sad he is about my decision not to have a kid and I know it’s all show. I know deep down the guy’s elated.

He also says he’s upset and hurt by how I said he’d abuse the kid. This was when I told him that if he could lie to his wife, he could lie to his kid, but he’d never be nearly as bad of a father as I’d be of a mother. When I said I’d beat it and do all kinds of horrible things to it, he said he was sure I wouldn’t. He just knew I wouldn’t. Well, I don’t know how or why he’s so sure of this, but it doesn’t matter anyway.

We said so many things to each other that I can’t remember every single thing we discussed and I’m so sick of getting into it even in this journal.

This morning I had such terrible cramps for the first time in quite a while and I was so very close to puking, but luckily, I didn’t. I had to take 3 Ibuprofen tablets to kill the worst of the pain and was so relieved when the worst of it was over.

Right when I got up I heard blasting rap music and I knew it was that fucking dude next door, even though I didn’t see him, but as I went out front to let him have it, there was no one there. So, I guess this one doesn’t get it. I knew the understanding M family was a rare breed. I guess he’s gonna come and go with that fucking music blaring, no matter what. But they came here quietly the other day and left with the music going not too loud at all, so why now?

We got a pen from a business pen company with the business name (Mystery Computer Enterprise) on it and that was cool.

I’m trying to decide whether or not I should ditch old letters from Kim, Bob and Alex and keep only the letters that are rare or special or very funny or interesting and different in any way. Like letters from Larry and Anne & Harry. If I do decide to ditch letters from Kim, Alex and Bob, I will still write in the highlights and anything of importance that they might say.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1996 Last Saturday I got a reply from Denise Austin herself. On the bottom of a standard letter, she wrote herself to exercise 5 times a week and that I could do it, etc. As famous and as busy as she is, I certainly never expected her to write to me herself. She was quite vague though at answering my question. I wanted to know if her Tone-Up 1-2-3 program was enough for me to do every other day, but she didn’t really answer that. Still, it was nice that she responded.

This weekend was a good one, and Tom lost the bet like we knew he would. Of course, he had to go on and on swearing that he wanted to win more than anything and that if we just give it a chance, we can take care of the problem ourselves and all this bullshit.

When we were screwing in the living room, he tried to tell me that when he was about to cum, he’d pull out, finish himself off, then stick it back in me when the cum came out. Then he said he didn’t know when to pull it out cuz he cums instantly without warning. As I know, though, this is impossible. You have 3 or more seconds of warning as to when you’re about to cum. Then he went on with how I’m sexy and he loves me and there’s nothing wrong with me. Well, then if that’s the case, what’s his problem? Fear of getting me pregnant, of course.

I’m not as upset about this as I thought I’d be since I expected, accepted and knew it was coming. The thought of his cumming and us having a kid is starting to go numb on me and I just don’t know if I want it as bad anymore with the way he is.

I’m glad we won’t be having sex till Saturday, cuz I kind of want to just be on my own for a while. It still isn’t that easy always just forgetting and getting close to a liar who’s betrayed you in a big way and is denying you something you had dreamed of and wanted. He may as well have made the decision for us both and gone and tied my tubes up or something.

Due to my writing about his lying about not cumming, and not being able to have a kid, I was blinded from something else I was forgetting that’s very much the case and important. There is still God and the DES. Even if Tom came, I still really wonder if I could get pregnant anyway. All I know is that it’s over. There’s absolutely no way I can or will ever have a child. I’m 100% it’s not meant to be and there’s some good in this decision, too, that God and Tom have made for me. All I have to do is keep on plugging at getting over it and looking at the many good things there are to their decision.

Tom admitted that he was a liar. He said that placing the bet was a bad thing cuz he can’t stand timetables. Then, why didn’t he tell me? And why did he lie about it and say he’d win? And he begs me to trust him? Yeah, right! And like this also makes me determined to get us to a doctor next year. I really don’t think so. Not with his attitude and lies.

Yesterday Tom rigged the cable so we could see that sex channel. It really wasn’t anything that interesting or exciting, though.

Yesterday I hit the jackpot on a few things I bought. First we went over and got Ma and took her to buy a tape player while Dad slept. She couldn’t find one she wanted and of course, she had to stop and look at things for Nickolena and a lot of her conversation was about her. I know she loves Tom and me, but sometimes I still feel that it’s the ones with kids who are superior to the rest or think that they are and that others think they are.

Then we went back and got Dad and the 4 of us went to a nursery where they got a couple of plants and I got a small pot with 5 different cactuses in it. Soon, we’re going to get Prickly Pears which are my favorite cactus and they’re only about $18. They had my favorite palm tree, too, called Queen Ann, but they were pretty expensive.

Then we went back to their place for a little while and oh my God! It was almost like the NHA, even though nothing’s quite that bad. Kids next door to them as well as behind them were screaming up a storm and bashing their ball against poor mom and dad’s fence. How do they stand it? Ma said they played their music so loud that they could hear it in the bedroom the night before. I don’t see how they can deal with it and they can easily afford to move.

Then Tom and I went out to Walgreens where I got 3 new lipsticks. Two of them are too light. I got purple nail polish and 3 new beautiful journals for only $3 each. I saw the 3 there that my parents sent me, too.

Later…

Tom just came home and I told him my mind is permanently made up. No kid. Not with the way I’d be an abusive mother and with the way he’s proven to me he’d lie like hell to the kid. I may always want one, I love Tom and think he’s a great husband (when he isn’t lying) but there’s no way I could ever have a kid with him or without him, even if I could get pregnant. I’m 100% sure I’m doing the right thing and I’m gonna stand behind this for keeps.

Then he says we just won’t have sex then, till we make up our minds, but I just did make up my mind. And he made his mind up a long time ago. He just said we won’t have sex to punish me for taking away something he can no longer tease me about, but that’s fine.

Look at it realistically…we fight so much over this baby that doesn’t exist, so imagine just how much we’d fight if it did exist. No thanks.

[faithinlouisfuture]

htsygbltwyl - Away from Home Festival 22

[spidernerdsblog]

cool for the summer

A/N : it's really hot and humid over here and I don't know what came over me but here we are. Enjoy this filth and let me know what you think.

Summary : one broken ac, two neighbors with pent up sexual tension. What more could happen?

Pairing : tasm! Peter Parker x Reader

Warnings : 18+, SMUT, minors DNI, oral (f receiving), overstimulation, ice play, spitting, multiple orgasms.

It was the middle of summer, Peter didn’t feel like doing anything except lazing around on his couch in this sweltering heat the whole day. Just then there’s a knock on his door as he frowns wondering who it might be in the middle of the day. He opens his apartment door to find you, his pretty next door neighbor. 

“Hey Peter.” you smiled. Peter did a once over of you dressed in dark denim shorts and a blue tank top knotted in the front exposing a good stretch of your stomach. He tried really hard to ignore the fact that you weren't wearing a bra underneath as he could clearly form the outline of your nipples through the thin cotton of your top. 

“Oh hi Y/N. What's up?” 

“Are you busy?”

“No. Is everything alright?” his brows draw in with concern.

“My ac broke down and it's like melting in there.” you tell him with an agonized expression.

“That's bad. Did you call the company?” 

“Yeah I did and they said I've to wait until tomorrow because Sunday is a holiday.” you explain. “But then I remembered you mentioning that one time about knowing a little bit of the mechanical stuff.” 

“Yes I do.” he concurs.

“I know it’s too much to ask of you but can you maybe come and look at it for once? Please?” 

Peter could never say no to you especially when you’re giving him those puppy eyes. “I can try but there are no guarantees.”

“That will be so nice of you.” your face brightens. “In return I’ll treat you to fresh watermelon which I brought from the farmers market yesterday.”

“You don’t have to repay me with anything.” he chuckles, closing his apartment door and following you to your apartment.

It was relatively hot and humid when your ac decided to give up on you which had left you no other choice than to ask your next door neighbor for help. So when you knocked at his door little did you expect to be treated with him in a black undershirt and gray sweats. It was a rare sight to see him out of his usual t-shirts and hoodies and that is why his bare muscular arms had left you stunned for a second and practically drooling on the hallway.

To be honest you always had a crush on Peter Parker. You both had moved in the building at the same time. He had this whole awkward geek thing going around him with a hint of mischief behind those chocolate brown eyes which promised of more. And from the little conversations you had in the hallways you thought he was cute with his boyish charm and dorky attitude, always ready to help.  

And now he was in your living room standing on a chair in front of the ac unit. He grabs the wrench from the toolbox and starts to unscrew the nut and bolts— the movement making his biceps flex and veins pop out on his arms as you enjoy your free arm porn. His back muscles ripples when he pulls out the dust filters and your mind starts to build up a totally different scenario which required you on your bed and him on top fucking you nine ways to Sunday had you pressing your thighs together. 

“So what do you think?” you ask, shaking out of your dirty daydreams.

“You’re in luck.” he replies. “The filters seem to be blocked with dust, that's why it’s not cooling properly. A little clean up is required, that's all.”

“Oh thank god.” you let out a sigh in relief as Peter steps down the chair.

“Let me just clean them with some water and it will be working just as fine as before.”

You grasp on to his hands “Peter Parker, you're my savior on this hot summer day. I'll be grateful to you all my life.”

“Always happy to help my pretty neighbor.” he gives you one of his boyish grins and casually walks over to your bathroom leaving you with thousands of butterflies in your stomach. 

If you aren’t wrong but that was definitely a little bit of flirting over there. With the giddiness inside you tried to make yourself busy in the kitchen preparing watermelon lemonade. You cut the fruit in half, scooping the flesh to blend it with some lemon juice, mint and soda. By the time you were done pouring the mixture into a pitcher Peter had finished cleaning your ac as well. He screws the case tight and switches on the ac. The first wave of cool air hits your face and you feel like you’re already in heaven.

“Oh…” the moan that leaves your mouth shoots straight down to his cock.

“That good huh?” he chuckles.

“You have no idea.” you smile cheekily. “And as promised, I made fresh watermelon lemonade.” you gestured him towards the kitchen.

“Ah, nothing as refreshing as a lemonade on a hot day like this.”

You fill two glasses with lemonade and place them on the kitchen island. “Wait, let me get some more ice.” you take out the ice tray from the refrigerator to empty it in a bowl before adding a few in your drinks. Both of you pick up your bowls and clink your glasses. “Cheers.”

“It’s really good.” Peter says after taking a sip.

“Thank you.” you smile at him shyly and watch him through the rim of the glass, his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows the drink which you find damn sexy.

Peter finishes his drink and his gaze locks on you drinking as some of the lemonade dribbles from the corner of your mouth down to your cleavage. He did not miss how your nipples had pebbled in the cold air and were poking through the top. The sudden urge to lick and taste every inch of your skin makes his throat go dry.

It is implausible how much he has liked you since the very day he met you. The short meetings with you in the hallways while going or returning back from college left him wanting more. Especially when you wore those thin tops and tight shorts that showed off your round ass. The number of times he had fucked his hand imagining it was you riding his cock at night is embarrassing.

He clears his throat brushing aside those thoughts so that his semi doesn’t turn into a full on erection in front of you. “Guess I should get going now.”

He turns towards your door but you didn't want him to leave so you blurt out. “Or you could just stay.” 

“Why does anything else need fixing?” Peter looks at you skeptically.

“I don’t know… it’s still kinda hot in here don’t you think?” you are stalling. Peter could see the desire in your eyes but he still wants to be sure that you want him as much as he wants you.

All these months of secretly pining over each other you were now treading dangerously along the lines. Peter decides to take the brave step and moves around the counter caging you against it. “You do look all flushed.” he observes, tucking a wisp of your hair behind your ear.

“I know right?” you smile nervously.

“I can think of some other ways to cool you down.” his voice husky as he lazily runs a finger down your arm. 

“Really?” you ask quietly, chewing on your bottom lip.

“Want me to show you?” he lifts up your chin and brushes the pad of his thumb through your bottom lip.

“Yes.” it comes out barely as a whisper from your mouth but Peter was quick to catch it. With his eyes trained on you Peter reaches behind you to grab an ice cube from the bowl and pops it in his mouth. 

You watch his every move with anticipation. He leans forward to capture your mouth in a slow tantalizing kiss. His tongue pushes past your lips as he rolls the ice into your mouth. You moan at the delightful sensation of the cold ice mixed with the warmth of his mouth. 

Peter devours your mouth as he sucks and nips playfully on your bottom lip. His hands get frisky exploring the curves of your body before grabbing the front of your tank top, giving it a light tug. It tears into half and your breasts bounce free as you breath out a shocked gasp against his mouth at his sheer strength. 

His large hands cup your breasts feeling their weight in his palms. Quiet whimpers escape your mouth as he squeezes and tweaks your nipples, turning them into hard sensitive points. Your nails scrape the back of his shirt tugging on it. Peter stops for a moment to let you lift his shirt above his head. The heat of his bare chest against your breasts feels good as you run your hands through his toned abs before placing two featherlight kisses on his pecs. 

Peter lifts you by the back of your thighs on the counter and then gently pushes you to lay on your back on the cool granite surface. You hear the clinking of glass as he reaches for an ice cube. Goosebumps rise on your skin when his mouth connects at the nape of your neck with the cold ice held between his lips. He drags his mouth over your collar bones and then down between your breasts leaving a cool trail of water on your flushed skin. He looks up at you, his dark eyes glinting with mischief as he crunches the left over ice with his teeth before popping in another one.

“Relax,” he says and presses the ice cube on your nipple, circling around the stiff bud. Your stomach clenches, a warmth spreading across your lower region as he moves on to your other breast and repeats the same. Your back arches when he slowly drags his mouth down your ribs to your stomach, the cool water feeling like a hot trail of fire. He drops the ice from his mouth on your navel and steps back to watch the ice melt into a pool of water trickling down your sides.

Slowly Peter unbuttons your shorts and slides it down your legs followed by your panties which were now soaked with your arousal. 

“You’re so sexy.” he rasps, lust swirling in those coffee brown eyes. He kneels down and spreads your legs apart, running his hand up and down your thighs in a soothing manner. His hand reaches for the bowl again to pick an ice cube and pops it in his mouth. 

Peter kisses the inside of your thigh, holding the ice between his lips he slides it up your soft skin. Your body tenses when you feel his warm breath against your aching core but to your disappointment he ignores your dripping wet pussy and kisses his way down your other thigh. 

You whine in protest, squirming unable to take anymore of his teasings which only earns you a throaty chuckle from him. 

“So needy. Don't worry baby, I'll take care of you.” 

He spreads your pussy lips and lets a cool trail of spit drip down your slit. It’s downright filthy but also turns you the hell on finding out this kinky side of your sweet nerdy neighbor. Peter pulls the ice cube to the back of his mouth before diving in.

“Oh fuck!” your hips jerks off the counter at the onslaught of his cold lips wrapped around your sensitive bud. A heavy hand comes to rest on your stomach holding you in place as Peter swirls his tongue over your clit while your hands dig his thick hair.

Peter rolls the ice across his tongue and presses it against your engorged clit with his mouth. You let out a little scream tugging on his hair way too harshly and he groans into your heat. He holds it for a few seconds before sucking it back in his mouth. He runs the tip of his tongue in a straight line from your pussy to your clit making you moan and scream again as he presses the cube against you. 

The ice melts rapidly between the heat of his mouth and your pussy turning into a small ball. Peter dips his head and pushes it inside you with his tongue. Your body shudders as he thrusts in and out fucking you with his tongue. Pleasure surges inside you and you begin to cum. But Peter doesn’t stop as he laps up all your juices along with the pool of water dripping out of your hole. You are still high on your first orgasm as you feel the second one building quicker than before. Peter presses his thumb against your swollen clit drawing tight circles and you fall apart screaming out his name.

You were panting hard, expecting him to stop but he’s so drunk on your taste that he continues to lick up and down your slick folds with the flat of his tongue.

“Peter…” you squirm away from his mouth.

“One more baby girl.” he croons, sliding two fingers inside you with ease.

“I can't.” you groan as your whole body feels like a bundle of exposed nerves. 

“Yes you can. Give me one more and then you can have my cock.” he curls his fingers against your g-spot and his mouth is back on your clit, sucking it hard to the point where the lines between pleasure and pain seem to blur. Your eyes roll back into your head as spots cloud your vision and then you explode all over him. 

“Holy shit!” he exclaims. Your body feels like a limp noodle, ears still ringing from how hard you came as you weakly lift your head to look at Peter between your legs— he was drenched down to his chest. 

You squirted, you fucking squirted. 

Embarrassment flames up your face but Peter just smiles and stands up to lean down and press his lips softly on your forehead whispering “you did so good for me.” and lifts you in his arms, carrying you to your bedroom. 

Your back hits the soft linen of your mattress as you lie motionless watching him. You couldn’t decide what you liked more. His chiseled jaw, those bulging biceps, the flat planes of his stomach or the sharp dips of his hips. But then he pushes down his sweats and boxers and his long, hard length bobs in front of him making your mouth water.

He catches you staring and grins. “Like what you see?”

“Yeah it’s alright.” you try to play cool even though the reality was far from alright as you wonder how that big of a dick is going to fit inside you without splitting you into half. The math seems a little bit hazy for you right now.

Within seconds he’s on top of you peppering kisses down your neck and breasts as you squeal and wriggle underneath him. “I’m gonna see how alright you feel when I’m done with you.” 

“Promises, promises.” you giggle before your breath hitches when he shoves two fingers into your pussy, finding you wet and ready for him.

“Condom?” he asks.

“Second drawer.” Peter leans over to open the drawer of your bedside table and a huge grin appears on his face discovering your little toy collection. 

“You got a nice collection in here.” Your eyes go wide when you realize what he is talking about. 

“I wonder who do you think of when you use those little toys of yours hmm?” he tears the foil with his teeth and rolls the condom down his shaft. Your cheeks heat up as you look away hiding your face in the pillow.

“Now don't get shy on me, Y/N. Tell me who did you think of while you played with this little pussy?” he rubs the head of his cock through your sensitive folds teasingly.

“You… Peter.” you stutter.

“We should use them.” 

“Now?”

“No, some other time. Today it would be just us.” he lines his tip to your entrance and slowly pushes in. 

He was barely a few inches in and it had you gasping for air at how his thick girth was stretching you to your limits. “Oh god… you're so big.” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” he grins and slowly withdraws to push in a bit more deeper. Your back arches as he repeats the motion gaining another inch. Peter thought he had prepared you enough with the three earth shattering orgasms he gave you earlier but it was still a tight fit. Your pussy grips him like a vice as he tries to be gentle, grunting with each thrust to fully sheath himself inside you. 

You press the heels of your feet into his ass cheeks pulling him closer. “Fuck me already, I can take it.” you rasp impatiently.

There goes being gentle as your command sends a shiver down his spine and he gives one hard thrust filling you to the hilt. Your back bows off the bed pushing your breasts to his eager mouth as he captures one pert nipple and flicks his tongue over it. Your moans were music to his ears. 

“One last question, do you still think I’m alright?”

“Oh god Peter you’re fucking perfect. I can feel you up in my throat. Now move please.” you almost sob in desperation.

Satisfied with your answer he pulls back and slams back into you. Your body moves up the mattress with each powerful thrust and he is entranced watching your breasts bounce everytime. A thin sheen of sweat covers your bodies as you find a rhythm. A tight knot forms inside your stomach as your walls clamp around him tighter and he almost loses his goddamn mind at how good you feel. His hands cup your ass lifting you up the angle allowing him to pick up his pace and pound into you deeper.

“Ah right there! Don’t stop!” your nails score down his back when he hits that magical spot. Your body trembles and you bite down on his neck as your orgasm sweeps through you. Your walls flutter milking every last bit of pleasure out of him and he moans, pumping harder before his hips stutter coming undone with his own release. Your bodies quake with the aftershock of your orgasms as you pull him closer sealing your lips together in slow, drugging kisses not yet ready to let him go.

“This was the best sex of my life.” you say between ragged breaths.

“So do you’ve anything else to fix?” he grins widely.

“Yeah my legs, they feel like jelly. I don't think I can walk properly for a month.” 

“That means I did a good job.” he replies smugly as he brushes away your messy hair sticking to your forehead.

“No need to get so cocky now.” you give a light shove on his shoulder and he finally pulls out to lay on his back beside you.

“You wanna go out sometime?” he asks.

“Go out you mean like a date?”

“Yeah” he turns on his side. “I like you a lot Y/N and I’ve been meaning to ask you out for quite some time before we had sex. That doesn’t mean I regret whatever happened today because I really liked it and I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m some kind of a fuck boy and and…”

You find rambling Peter adorable a stark contrast to the confident and dominant Peter who fucked your brains out a while ago. So you decide to bring him out of his misery and cut him off. “Peter, I like you too and I would love to go on a date with you.”

For a moment Peter goes speechless before he finds his words back. “Thank you.”

“You hungry? I’m gonna order some Thai” you prop yourself up on your elbow.

“Yeah sounds good.”

“Ok, I’ll be right back.” you kiss his nose and slide out of the bed to go and find your phone in the living room but not before turning around with a sly grin. “Maybe after that I can show you my toys.” 

Reblogs are appreciated ❤

[adowbaldwin]

Baldwin takes a nap and he's a little cutie pie

Inspo from the below gif

(Sorry i dont know whose it is, saved it from a discord chat)

It was one of those naps that you didn't know you needed until you were face down, dribbling and wrapped around a pillow like a sloth in a tree with a blanket thrown over you.

It was one of those where the dream was so bizarre you think you accidently took acid before you went to sleep. The sand turned to ice-cream, pigs flew in the sky and you were a merman flopping about on the beach, a literal fish out of water.

And the YOU, my dear reader, is not YOU but Mr. Hot shot stock broker himself. The very man who puts the F in fear dreams every year that he has a pink and teal tail.

His pillows are his favourite, a mix of faux goose feather and memory foam. A mix of silk and cotton covers, Lord above he loved his bed. You wouldn't think it, but even when he's not asleep you can find him at night curled in bed hugging a pillow as if it were a woman. Atleast they didn't whine and moan like a girlfriend. A pillow wouldn’t hold a silly grudge about a War. Bloody stupid beautiful Eva. 

Every year he took two weeks off for his birthday. The first week he spent up to all kinds of debauchery, the second week he slept and lazed around his apartment. Usually he would sleep at most four days and then spent the rest lounging.

This year was no different, and on the Sunday at the end of a very very long and hard week of sex and booze, he put himself to bed.

He threw on his favourite comfy shirt and grey jogging bottoms, turned his phone and alarm clock off and slumped into the welcoming warmth of his bed.

"He is going to either torture or murder us" Diana chewed nervously on her lip as she tried, quietly as possible, to turn her spare key in Baldwins lock.

"Murder, definitely murder" Phoebe winced as a floor board cracked under their footing

"Where do you think he hid it?" Diana crossed her brows as she tried to think like her brother. Which was hard because he did alot of thinking and she didnt really want to know what went on behind those eyes.

Phoebe and Diana had been made aware of a wax tablet that incriminated Baldwin and Philippe in the burning of the Library of Alexandria. This information may or may not have come from Ysabeau.

The women had tried to wiggle more information out of the matriarch but she was tight lipped.  It was Marthe who had informed the women that such a thing would be kept close to Baldwin. Perhaps in his own apartment. And that he slept once a year and nothing would wake him once he was out of it. 

The pieces fell together, and off they went. The female version of Sherlock and Watson.

"Shall we check if he's asleep first and not waiting to pounce?" Phoebe nodded her reply to Diana and so off they went quietly as possible to the very end of the hall.

Phoebe pushed his door open, little by little thanking God that his hinges weren't screaming.

"Oh" Diana began

"My" phoebe continued

"God" they said at the same time

The sight before them would reduce any woman to jelly.

Or anyone really, he looked like a little baby.

His perfectly long lashes fanned out over his slightly pinked cheeks, hair fluffy and wavy as it hung over his forehead. His cupid bow lips formed a small pout and the softest, child like snoring echoed the room.

His arms held a pillow captive, clinging to it for dear life with a patchwork blanket thrown over his body. It was clearly home made and they both had the suspicion Marthe had something to do with the plush comforter.

"Oohh" Diana whined, clutching and unclenching her hands "i have the strongest urge to run my hand through his fluffy hair"

"That’s the pregnancy hormones. Don't you dare think of disturbing him before i get a photo" Phoebe's phone was out in an instant, snapping multiple photos of the site before them

Diana tentatively walked over, hand outstretched as she gingerly brushed her hands in his hair "Oh sweet Lord its so soft" she spoke in a loud whisper "come on, touch it!"

Phoebe didn't need much convincing, and before she knew it she was partaking in the perverse act "its like silk" she marvelled “you wouldn’t think looking at it”

"Amoote misftoe" he grumbled in his sleep, before turning onhis side away from the giddy women and jammed his right thumb into his mouth

Tears spilled from Diana's eyes, Phoebes ribs hurt so much she couldn't move. That image, Baldwin Montclair sucking his thumb circulated in the family chat. How it got into the hands of Eva no one will ever know (but Marcus definitely knows)

What no one knew was that Philippe slept once a year too and just like his son was a thumb sucker. Ysabeau had his portrait taken and it sat in a secret place, right next to the wax tablet in question.

She would never, ever admit to setting the girls up to find him asleep sucking his thumb. How dare you accuse her of such.

[kopikokun]

(Don't) Tell Me More༄ m.taeil

↳ Taeil's loaded, and that's a severe understatement. So, what on earth is this rich kid doing cleaning pools every Sunday? Looking for love, of course, and a little help with rubbing sunscreen on his back. Ultraviolet protection's a must; it's getting real hot in here.

pairing: (secret rich kid) pool boy!taeil x gn rich kid!reader

genre: fluff, suggestive

warning(s): the suggestive bit is the unaddressed tension, and the one joke about bad porn taeil makes. overall, just the ~vibes~ haha

word count: 2153 words

author's note: i got... carried away. no worries, the starved taeil fans deserve a meal. idk how many years it'll take for the next one. also, please notify me if i accidentally used any gendered language. i’ve checked multiple times, but i’m human, and would sincerely appreciate if you pointed out any of my mistakes or even offered feedback ♡

☆༓･*˚⁺‧͙ 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁: do i wanna know (arctic monkeys) ✧ head over heels (loveleo) ✧ honey (moxie) ✧ dance with me (sir, please) ✧ doubt (hippo campus) ✧ heat waves (glass animals)

← BACK TO NAVI.

Labour isn’t Taeil’s forte. Born with a gold spoon between his lips, and six digits in his bank account at five, he’s lived a life beyond lavish.

Fridays are reserved for piano lessons and tennis, Saturdays for buttering up his father’s potential clients in country clubs, and Sundays for swimming in the five meter deep pool in his backyard. Well, at least, Sundays used to be.

Taeil’s plenty passionate about swimming–freestyle, backstroke, butterfly–but about cleaning swimming pools? Not so much.

So, why is he spending every Sunday afternoon sweaty, swathed in sunscreen, and despairing over chemical imbalances? The answer is simple, and lazing on a deck chair at this very moment: you.

You’re new–courtesy of the raise in your father’s already outrageous salary–and when Taeil first lay his eyes upon you at the park, he was enamoured. He’d actually tripped on a root in his trance, and you’d crouched beside him to ask whether he was alright. Humiliated, he’d silently hobbled after as you lead him to a bench. You’d nursed the wound he hadn’t realised he’d sustained as best you could: rinsing and dabbing it dry.

“I’ll walk you home,” he’d said. “A token of appreciation, if you will.”

You’d accepted his token. The walk wasn’t far, but it was likely because you made for such good company. Taeil would be engrossed even if you droned on about cheese for an hour, which coincidentally, is exactly what Mr. Liu’s monologue had entailed the month before. That conversation had bored him half to death however.

It felt too quick; your estate was already looming over him, auguring the end of your encounter when he’d finally recovered from his ignominy. Desperate for more, Taeil had blurted out the first thing in sight: your pool. That’s why you’d mentioned your dad needing a pool cleaner every weekend, and how, despite being clueless in the department, Taeil had wholeheartedly offered himself. You’d been elated, beaming, over the moon. How could he say no?

It had seemed appealing in the moment, but his train of thought had been superficial. Turns out, those mass-produced specially-targeted summer chick-flicks were lying! Who would’ve guessed? Pool boying was not just flaunting your washboard abs and bulging biceps as you netted a few leaves. Oh no. The first few test cleans Taeil had done with his pool… well, it became off limits for a week. And an actual expert had to be hired. Those gritty aspects aren’t the most marketable, or inherently sexy, so Taeil supposes the chick-flick deceits are partially excused.

But back to what matters: you. Your–how should he put it?–spunk, hadn’t been anticipated. Not an ounce of that pretentious reticence the local wealthy feel entitled to prevails in you. It’s refreshing. You’re adrenaline personified. Just your presence has Taeil’s heart palpitating. Since he’d been hired, every week has been more fleeting glances, yearning touches, puckish banter. And last week… well, there’s no time for that, because now you’re beckoning him over, your hand wrapped around a tube of sunscreen. Taeil prances to you, complaisant.

“Sit,” you urge, dragging a wicker stool in front of you. “You’re done for today, right?”

“Yeah, water didn’t need treatment this week. Just skimmed the surface for debris.” Taeil hesitates. He feels awkward after last week, when he’d kissed you. Yes, kissed you. You haven’t said a word about it since, and there’s no way in hell he’s doing it first. “But, it’s okay. I’m gonna go soon.”

“Aww, please, Taeil? Sit?” You pat the chair and smile, eyelashes glinting in the sun. That’s all it takes for Taeil to succumb, the rattan crackling beneath his weight. Your fingers graze his arm. “It’s a hot day, huh? A swim would be nice.”

His eyebrows crease. "Sorry, were you waiting?"

“No, no, it’s fine.” You tilt your head. “But…”

“What?”

“Do you want to go swimming with me?”

Taeil fists the material of his swim shorts, spine erect. The fabric crinkles. Whether he wants to what? “Oh, uh, well, I don’t wanna intrude. I’m sure your parents wouldn’t be happy about me swimming in their pool.”

The heat of your body seeps into his skin as your arms coil around his. “They don’t mind, and if they did, they’re not home to say so.”

This feels like the start of a trashy porn. Taeil flushes. “Oh.”

“So? What do you say?”

His adam’s apple buoys. “Sure. Wouldn’t hurt, right?”

“Exactly.” The sunscreen’s cap clacks open. “Here, you gotta reapply more.” Taeil extends his palm, and you squeeze some into it.

He deliberates his next move. It’s difficult to think when you’re gazing at him like that, lashes batting and lips curled into a demure smile. “You don’t mind if I”–he rubs his nape with a free hand–“uh, take off my shirt, right? I don’t wanna dirty your pool.”

“Sure! I definitely wouldn’t mind, so long as you’re okay with it.” You tuck your knees to your chest. “Why? Do you want me to look away?”

“No, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making you uncomfortable.” Taeil’s going to pass out, he’s betting money on it.

He doesn’t, but he does glow incandescent when he strips himself of his clammy shirt. The humid air only exacerbates his feverish blush.

Growing up, Taeil’s parents always emphasised presentability, and he’s nothing if not presentable. He’s proud of his physique, diligently maintaining it with rigorous exercise, and sure, he’s had a few self-conscious blips, but they’re transient. Taeil knows he’s attractive, yet under your keen eye, he rubs sunscreen–on his neck, chest, and abdomen–hunched forward.

“Do you need help?” You peer over his shoulder, wagging the aquamarine bottle like bait. “With your back. You know, for the spots you can’t reach?”

You’ll be the death of him. You’re going to kill him, but he honestly wouldn’t mind that. Taeil’s never had any ‘spots he can’t reach’, but, “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

Your fingers are ridiculously delicate, like you’re weaving gossamer across his back–sunscreen webs, if that’s a thing. Taeil’s sure someone would pay grotesquely for that. Mr. Liu would.

Neither of you speak, only the sound of skin against skin drifting alongside the scent of coconut oil and cocoa butter. At one point, your nails unintentionally trail his back, and Taeil shivers.

His body tingles with the vestige of your touch, and when he assumes you’re done, you stun him with a good, hard, satisfying squeeze to his shoulders; the ones twined rigid from graft. Taeil actually groans in relief, which had probably stunned you. Or maybe that’s what you were hoping for.

Internally, he’s broiling in mortification, but externally, his shoulders slacken, his head hangs forward, and his exhales are long and grateful. It’s embarrassing. For crying out loud, he has his own professional masseuse, yet when it’s you doing it–yeah, he needn’t elaborate further. He’s gushed about you enough.

“Feels nice, right?”

“God, yeah, it feels”–a particularly forceful squeeze elicits another groan from him–“good. Do you have any experience? You’re amazing at this.”

“Just my dad. When I was younger he used to pay me to massage his shoulders after work,” you say, fingers miraculously knowing exactly which muscle to knead at what intensity. Is this what heaven feels like? “Well, there was also the massage course I signed up for a few years ago.”

“Well”–another sigh–“it definitely paid off.”

“It better have, given how pricey it was.” Your lilt is roguish, and it sounds like you’re enjoying this as much as Taeil is.

He wants to die like this, but you’re already standing, and stretching your arms overhead before he can really soak the sensation in.

“Let’s go for that swim, huh?”

“Uh,” Taeil blinks, dazed, “yeah.”

He trails after you, facing away when you lower yourself into the water without qualms. Duh, it’s your pool. Why would you have scruples about swimming in your pool? Taeil, on the other hand, dithers, because it’s not his pool, and he can’t help but fret that your parents could walk in on you swimming with the pool boy.

“Hurry up! A little water’s not gonna hurt you.”

“I’m not scared of the water,” he says, staring pointedly at you. He’s never felt so vehemently for someone before, and you’re so… unpredictable. It’s invigorating. It’s terrifying. Do you like him, or are you just bored?

He ventures as far as sitting on the edge of the pool’s deck, where water kisses concrete. His legs dangle, acclimating to both the temperature, and the reality that he really is about to jump into his employer’s pool. The water is cold, caressing his leg as you wade closer to stand between his knees. Your eyes sweep over him. Taeil’s stomach coils. He hopes you like what you see.

“You okay?” you ask, hand over his right knee. It’s freezing. “You look a little flushed.”

Your hand crawls further up his leg. “Yeah,” he scoffs, “I wonder why.”

“Aw, don’t be shy,” you grin, upturning your palms and offering them to him. “Come on.”

Taeil should’ve thought your motives through, but how could he have denied your invitation? He’s still a guy, and well, it’s you. Regardless, he should’ve scrounged up some semblance of prudence because it was blatant what you’d needed his hands for. To pull him under. Literally.

The tug is harsh and efficient, jolting him forward into the polar depths before he can object. Taeil’s not thinking straight–the stark contrast in temperatures pummel his rationality–so he grabs the closest thing he can: you. It’s reckless of him, given the two of you are in the deep end and he could drown you. But risks evade his psyche as he loops his arms around your waist, your body pressing into his. Fortunately, he won’t be facing charges anytime soon because you do resurface, still in his arms, and strangely, you’re not pissed, you’re laughing. Laughing so hard your head’s thrown back, and your body trembles. It’s not funny–you could’ve died for God’s sake–but Taeil feels a rumble course through him; a chuckle, a giggle, a laugh. Now, he’s laughing too, though there’s nothing funny about this. He’s laughing because you’re laughing, and that’s enough of a reason for him.

“Are you okay?” you finally say, titters dissolving into a faint smile. “That was mean of me, sorry.”

Your face is inches from his, so Taeil’s voice shrinks. “No, it’s fine. I’m sorry I grabbed onto you though. And, oh, uh”–he starts loosening his grip of you–“sorry I–”

"No, wait.” This time, it’s your arms curling around him. “It’s fine. I don’t mind this. It feels… nice.”

“Yeah… it - it does.”

The water laps at his sternum, and Taeil takes his chances by nuzzling his nose into the crook of your neck. You let him, though neither of you know each other enough for this kind of intimacy. Maybe that’s why he’s so enthralled by you. Hell, you don’t even know he’s the son of some rich socialite. To you, he’s just the pool boy. Maybe that’s why you’re playing along with him. Because there’s something exhilarating about chasing something you shouldn’t when you’ve never had to run before. Because there’s a thrill in pain when you’re unscathed. Because when you’re someone like you and Taeil, mistakes can be afforded. Anyway, what does Taeil know of pain? In fact, what does he know of you to think this? It isn’t like he knows what your intentions are with him. You’re unpredictable. That’s your whole schtick. It’s funny, because Taeil knows your pool’s pH levels better than you.

Your fingers scrape into his sopping hair.

Or maybe he likes you for you. Maybe he likes what little of you he does know. So, does he want to know more?

“What do you think of me?” he murmurs against your skin.

“You’re fun.”

“Is that all?”

“Well, then, what do you think of me?”

Taeil lifts his head from your shoulder, the strength of his embrace withering. “Honestly, I don’t really know.”

You grin. “See? It’s hard to put into words, right?”

“I guess,” he smiles. You make it sound nice that you don’t know him. You make it sound like there’s just too much that you can’t express it. Maybe that’s what’s happening right now. Maybe there’s just too much Taeil likes about you to comprehend, so he thinks there’s nothing he really likes about you at all.

“You’re funny, Taeil.”

He isn’t. “Thanks.”

Taeil’s unsure how much time passes; long enough that the water’s gone tepid at least.

“Do you… like me?” he asks. Maybe if he hears you say yes, he’ll know what all the things he adores about you are.

There’s a pause.

“You’re fun, right?” you ask, thumbing a rivulet from his cheek.

“Yeah, I’ve been told I am.”

“Then, yes.” Your lips brush his. “I like you, Taeil.”

[violetlou2020]

DAY 3 of @flufftober2021

Lazy Sundays

Title: Lazy Sunday[ao3]

Author: Vividly_Violet

Fandom: Diamond no Ace

Rating: General

Relationship: Miyuki Kazuya/Sawamura Eijun

Word Count: 1007

It was Sunday and there was no practice to be had that day. The sun was out and the day was turning out to be a pleasant one. There were some who decided to still go out and do some light training at least but for the most part most of the players of Seido's baseball team decided to take this rare day off to actually take a break go and go out on the city, do some shopping, finish their homework, play some video games, laze about or sleep in.

Miyuki Kazuya despite being the most baseball obsessed player of them all was doing the later. He really isn't much of a morning person. He hated getting up in the morning but seeing as they were required to do so for morning practice less they want to test out coach Kataoka's punishment, he had no options but to drag his still sleep addled body towards the field on most days. But not today, where there was no practice and therefore no punishment. So, he'd continue to enjoy this rare day as much as he can to catch up on those lost sleeping hours.

And he would have continued sleeping in too till the afternoon if it wasn't for their resident loudmouth southpaw bursting through the door.

Miyuki groaned as he rolled to his side and buried his face on his pillow praying to the gods for the other boy to go way as he heard Sawamura's boisterous laughter resonate in their dorm followed by a low growl that he was sure came from Okumura.

"Cap! Wake up and catch for me!"

Miyuki didn't stir and so Sawamura made his way up the older teens bunk and pulled his blanket off. Rude. The catchers eye twitched in irritation but he didn't rise, didn't even moved an inch. If he ignore the boy long enough he will probably give up, probably.

"Cap! Cap! Oi be a responsible catcher and catch for me."

Or not. A person could dream couldn't they?

"Go bother Okumura." he mumbled. There was another low growl followed by a door shutting close.

"Eh Okumura just went out."

'Damn that kid for escaping' Miyuki thought, "Go after him then, leave me alone. I wanna sleep some more."

"But it's a perfectly beautiful day to practice. Let us not squander it by lazing around you bastard." Sawamura complained.

"Do you even know what that word means." said Miyuki as he sat up, removing his eyemask at the same time and squinting at Eijun who was sitting crossed leg on his bed.

"Huh squander? nope! but Kane uses it all the time. Anyway, you're awake now... so practice?" the pitcher asked hopefully.

"No thanks to you, and no. I will not be catching for anyone today. Go read or do your homework or something. Just stop bothering me." the third year said with finality before yanking his blanket out from Sawamura's hand and falling back on his bed.

"Even if it's your boyfriend asking?"

"Not even for the boyfriend asking." said the lump on the bed.

"Uhhg no boyfriend privileges for me?"

"No boyfriend privileges for you, now shoo."

"Fine!"

He felt Sawamura climb off his bed and some shuffling and a thud courtesy of the younger boy probably falling of the steps of the bunks ladder before he heard the door to his dorm open and close. Miyuki counted a minute of quietness making sure that Sawamura was gone before he drifted off back to sleep.

The next time he awoke it was to the quiet sniffling of a person somewhere at the foot of his bed. Kazuya blinked before he sat up and was greeted with the ugly crying face of his boyfriend who had one of his hand covering his mouth to stifle his cries while the other was holding a manga. He was failing to keep quiet.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a flat voice. What the heck is happening here.

"I— it's just sad! Why? Why did Chiaki broke up with her all of a sudden when they just gotten together! It doesn't make sense! Make it make sense!" the boy wailed.

"What?" Miyuki asked confused. Sawamura shove the manga to his face.

"See!" the catcher pushed both Sawamura and the manga off his face.

"What are you even doing here?" Kazuya asked as he took the manga from Eijun's hand so the teen wouldn't push it to him again.

"You told me to read, well I did after Okumura turned me down, and I couldn't find Ono-senpai or Kariba."

"That doesn't explain why you're here and reading?"

"I was waiting for you to wake up of course! and well Mochi-senpai kinda kicked me out after I tried to make him catch for me."

"Waited for me to wake up so you can beg me to catch for you and you didn't have any place to go to, do you?"

"That too." Eijun admitted, "but I also kinda like seeing you sleep." he said shamelessly.

"That sounds disturbing." Miyuki teased causing Sawamura to sputter.

"Wah— that's not— you know that's not what I meant you— you bastard!" Kazuya laughed at Eijun.

"I'm just kidding."

"You know what? Go back to sleep. At least when you're asleep you can't tease me." the southpaw pouted. Miyuki just laughed again before pulling the brunette down to lay with him.

"Oi oi what are you doing, you pervert!" Eijun shrieked and hit Kazuya with a pillow.

"I'm not doing anything. Stop squirming will you? Just wanna lie down till lunch rolls in. For the meantime why don't you read me your manga." Eijun perked up at that and laid dow again and made himself comfortable in Miyuki's side as he started to explain the previous chapters to his boyfriend.

"I don't mind spending my Sundays like this." Miyuki muttered smiling fondly at Eijun's excitement.

"What was that? Are you even listening!?"

"Yes dear, I'm listening."

"Uuhg you— whatever, as I was saying Chiaki and..."

[natromanxoff]

Queen live at Hyde Park in London, UK - September 18, 1976 (Part-1)

An interesting bit about the Hyde Park gig (thanks to Jane Palm-Gold): "The white boiler suit Fred wore coming onstage was especially chosen by him so that he could be seen from miles away (because white stands out at a distance) and even better (and this is great but you have to know this place really - a London landmark for many years) it was acquired at Lawrence Corner at Euston (!), a tatty second hand clothes /hire place where a lot of clothes /outfits were hired from for band promo shoots - for instance they had a lot of military stuff there."

(x)

After the success of A Night At The Opera (and not to mention how the weekly Sounds readers' poll elected the band #1 in the best album, best single, and best band categories), Queen wanted to pay the British fans back for back their loyalty and support over the last few years. Whilst in Japan earlier in the year, they came up with the idea to stage a massive free concert. With the help of record industry entrepreneur Richard Branson (creator of Virgin Records/megastores) they started making plans for the Hyde Park show, which turned into a mini tour along with the Edinburgh and Cardiff shows. It is estimated that between 150-200 thousand people turned up at Hyde Park, which is still a record for the venue to this day. This show cemented their position in the top bracket of rock bands. The stage used was the same stage that was constructed for the Rolling Stones concert at the Knebworth Fair a few weeks earlier. 

Queen's first huge show at home brought certain areas of London to a grinding halt, and space on public transportation was at a premium. The concert took place on the anniversary of Jimi Hendrix's death. A banner hung from a tree that read "Hendrix Lives," and at one point in the show Brian May noticed it with much appreciation. The band are seen in the photos above arriving at the venue, where they were joined backstage by Pink Floyd's Roger Waters. Supercharge, Steve Hillage, Rufus, and Kiki Dee (along with a cardboard cut-out of Elton John, who couldn't make it to join her for Don't Go Breaking My Heart) played before Queen (Be-Bop Deluxe and John Miles were supposed to be on the bill as well, but were axed for some reason). A pro-shot video of Steve Hillage's performance exists as well as Queen's. There was a fight in the audience during Hillage's set, during which he played extended trippy versions of It's All Too Much by The Beatles and Hurdy Gurdy Man by Donovan. Also notable is Supercharge's singer Albie Donnelly parodying Freddie Mercury in a white leotard and a half mic stand. The first half of the A Day At The Races overture is aired publicly for the first time (the upcoming album had been partially recorded by this point). The usual Bohemian Rhapsody opening sequence then commences for the last time. The band make their entrance, and everybody near the stage stands up (the audience had been seated on the grass for the opening acts). This angers many fans who are further back (roughly 90% of the audience now cannot see the stage), so they start lobbing cans, bottles, or whatever else that can be thrown. After a few songs, Freddie asks everyone simply to calm down: "I have been requested by the constabulary for you not to throw little things around, tin cans or whatever. So make this a peaceful event, ok? Sit on your arses and listen." Brian, after his solo spot in Brighton Rock (he stutters a bit, revealing that he's still nervous): “From one piece of nonsense to another, I’ve said it before. This is something we wanted to do with the London Philharmonic but they didn’t show up, so we will do the ethnic version of a song called '39." He is seen in a dazzling new outfit tonight, which he'd wear every night through Japan 1979. It would become the outfit he'd change into during the opera section of Bohemian Rhapsody. "Clap along and stuff," he urges the audience, as he plays the intro of what he'd later describe as the first song about Einstein's general theory of relativity. After '39, Freddie audaciously performs the as-of-yet unreleased You Take My Breath Away alone on the piano, even hitting many of the falsetto notes that he'd excise in 1977 versions. He then gets cheeky and introduces The Prophet's Song as "a little shorter number from our album A Night At The Opera." Perhaps he still had You Take My Breath Away in his head, as he begins the a cappella section with what would become the first line of the A Day At The Races ballad instead of the usual "oh, people can you hear me?" bit. He also references Death On Two Legs, as he had done a few times earlier in the year. After Stone Cold Crazy, the band play Keep Yourself Alive and Liar, having dropped Doing All Right and Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon from the set. The combination of these three heavy numbers would prove to be very effective, and they would stick with it for their following North American tour. Liar is a great version, with many great Mercuryisms throughout. Before the last song, Brian coyly says, "This is In The Lap Of The Gods, or something like that." The band play a similar set to the ones they did in Edinburgh and Cardiff, except they drop Doing All Right, Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon and Tie Your Mother Down. They intended to perform their usual encore of Big Spender and Jailhouse Rock, but the show had run a half hour past its scheduled ending time (a curfew strictly enforced by the authorities). The police threatened to arrest the band if they went back on stage, and Freddie was later quoted saying how he would prefer not to be stuck in a jail cell in his leotard. And so, Bob Harris was left with the unenviable task of announcing to the crowd that the show was over. He later recalled how difficult and nerve-wracking it was to tell an audience of this size who had waited for about ten hours that there would be no encore. Now I'm Here was the first encore every night around this time, making this the one time between 1974 and 1986 where the song is not performed. The liner notes of Live Killers suggest that Now I'm Here was dropped from the set for a while, but that is patently untrue. People in one section of the audience chanted "Why are we waiting," all in good fun, knowing full well the show was over. The police soon turned off the main power feed to the park, forcing hundreds of thousands of people to make their way out in sheer darkness. Their reasoning was that it was the only way to "control" such a large number of people who had been rowdy throughout the day. In a 1977 interview with Capital Radio, Brian recalls the day: "It had a great sunny day for it, and everyone had a good time. There were still altercations on the day, and there was a big thing with the powers that be because they wouldn't let us go on and do the encore, about which we were very upset, having worked up for months and prepared for all that. They got very frightened because there were 150,000 people in Hyde Park in the dark, and they thought they were going to get out of hand. But in fact, there was no possible danger happening at all. Everyone was peaceful and having a good time."

This show is what epitomized their popularity in Britain, and when they felt they "had really made it," as Brian would later recall. On another occasion he said, "I think that Hyde Park was one of the most significant gigs in our career. There was a great affection because we'd kind of made it in a lot of countries by that time, but England was still, you know, we weren't really sure if we were really acceptable here. So it was a wonderful feeling to come back and see that crowd and get that response." Despite the fact that the audience had been there all day watching the various opening acts and waiting, the band delayed the show as long as possible just so it could get dark enough for their lighting and various other effects to make their full impact (as demanded by Freddie). Throughout the show, the band's nervousness and excitement for the occasion are evident. Most of the audience couldn't see a thing during Queen's set, since the stage was barely elevated. "The smell of the dry ice and the sound are the only sensory memories I have of this show," recalls Jane Palm-Gold. Here is an article from the day of the show, 

and a review from a week later (both were submitted by Boris Arkhangelsky).

Tonight would be the final performances of Flick Of The Wrist, Son And Daughter, and the (almost) full The Prophet's Song. A snippet of The March Of The Black Queen would be performed only once more in 1978, but a different part of the song.

Here is  a Virgin Records flyer.

The second pic is the famous overhead shot that appeared in the October 9, 1976 Melody Maker. Pic 5 was submitted by Janneman,  and pics 6 and 7 were submitted by Lukáš Bosík.

Fan Stories

“Well, I was 13 years old and had got into Queen through Night At The Opera and THAT video. I'd never been to a gig before and it took a lot of convincing of a sceptical mother to let me go to Hyde Park on my own. After answering the inevitable "no, I won't talk to strange men mum" questions I was allowed to go. The morning came and I was up at 6am, got my packed lunch together (can you imagine going off to a gig now with your sandwiches and orange juice!) and headed off to Hyde Park. I remember getting there so early that I was right by the crash barriers at the front and determined to try and hold my spot all day. As the day progeressed however I ended upmoving backwards slowly as people pushed in. I can remember savouring the whole build up, the support bands, everything. As dusk started to fall, the stage went dark and the dry ice started up. I broke my mums don't talk to strangers bit and a very nice bloke put me up on his shoulders so I could see them come on. I just remember the crash of light and sound as they came on as if it was yesterday (and not 27 years ago!). The rest of the gig was amazing and that was it, I was hooked on Queen and rock music. I saw Queen on every tour they ever did in England (and a few in Europe) after that but nothing compares to that first gig for me.” 

- Andy

Part-2

Part-3

[flameleads]

@alchemic-elric​ asked:

There's the smell of coffee flooding the house. It's different from normal. More expensive than normal. It's a specialty brand imported from Creta that can only be found in Western Amestris.  It's mixing with the smell of cinnamon and fresh fruit. Warm cinnamon fruit rolls are setting on the counter as the eldest child of the house works on making breakfast.

This is only the start of the day. There's plenty more to come. It's an all day event after all. Should the head of the family come into the dining room, he'll find a dark blue plate setting at his spot - different from normal. It's signaling it's significance to the rest of the house.

There's fresh flowers in a vase on the table. Edward only hums a happy tune as he works. Pancakes, eggs, hash browns and cinnamon sweet buns at the side. A black mug of his Father's favoriye blend of coffee.

"Happy Father's day, Papa. Enjoy breakfast fer now. Jus' don't think this is all 'm doin' t'day. "

To Roy, it was an ordinary Sunday. He slept in as much as he could before forcing himself to get up, get dressed, and walk the dog. Once he got back home, Yuki more than satisfied with this part of their daily routine, he lazed around in bed with his latest acquisition, a fiction novel surrounding an underground spy network. Every so often, he needed to leave the nonfiction sections of bookstores and libraries in favor of something more fun. Chris might get a kick out of it too based on the summary he read. When it wasn’t a day meant for resting, he’d bring it to her.

Somewhere in the second chapter, he stopped reading as he realized something was missing. Coffee---that was what his morning lacked. The smell of it wafted through the air, and it was enough to lure him out of his bedroom. It didn’t smell like the usual blend he purchased, which was still leagues above what they brewed in the mess hall... and whatever Briggs tried to pass off as coffee. No, what he currently smelled was freshly ground coffee beans one could only find in Creta. Expensive due to taxes, and the cost of smuggling it over the border during a war, one could only get it in western Amestris.

God, it smelled divine.

And it was combined with the smell of breakfast.

Roy’s eyes widened at the spread he walked into the dining room. Cinnamon fruit rolls with the smell of that fantastic blend, pancakes, hash browns, and a new bouquet of flowers---those weren’t there yesterday. The plate in his usual spot was new too, a beautiful dark blue. When did... he didn’t remember buying these. Edward must’ve done so, but why? Speaking of which, where was---

There he was, bamboozling his father again with facts.

“... What?” Father’s Day. Right, that was a thing people celebrated. People with fathers, which he was not. But, as he blinked a few times, it dawned on him that Edward and Alphonse were people with a father. They referred to him as such. Not only that, but they wanted to celebrate that fact.

“I don’t... I don’t know what to say.” No sarcastic quip, half-awake snarl, or incoherent grumbling about meetings he didn’t want to attend. Slowly, as the seconds passed, a stunned face gave way to a smile. “I wasn’t expecting any of this... or that were was more. You even remembered the coffee I like.” The one he mentioned in one of his umpteen rants about the mess hall. “Thank you. This means a lot that you went through all this effort for me. You’re eating with me, right?”

[starryviolentine]

Color Me Blue (That’s Me Without You): A Pre-Apocalypse Story

Part 1 (here)     Part 2 (here)     Part 3 (here) Part 4 (here)     Part 5 (here)     Part 6 (here) Part 7 (here)     Part 8 (here)     Part 9 (here)

Part 10/10: Special Delivery

Another school week has come and gone, and the students of Ericson Academy have finally reached the weekly checkpoint that everyone looks forward to the most—the weekend. After five straight days of lessons, homework and responsibilities, the one day per week when there’s no schedule, nowhere to be, and nothing but unstructured fun and relaxation is here at last. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and, according to the weather forecast, later in the day it should be warm enough to play outside without a jacket. What a beautiful Saturday morning indeed. 

Sundays are different. There are mandatory chores in the morning and extracurriculars scheduled all throughout the afternoon. Students aren’t allowed to use the gym or the outdoor fields unless they have sports practice, nor can they set foot inside the creative arts building unless they have an art or music lesson.

But that’s a worry for tomorrow.

Today is still Saturday. For Therissa, this means snoozing until noon, then lazing around in bed with only her phone and CD player to keep her company until she feels like getting up. As for Brody and Violet, the two younger girls have been out and about all morning and are now on their way back to their bedroom to drag their teenage roommate out to lunch. After some complaining and a bit of colorful language on Therissa’s end, the three of them head down to the dining hall to grab a bite to eat, and then, when they’re done, return to their room to hang out. 

Separately, usually. Therissa likes to do her own thing, and most of the time it’s just Brody and Violet doing stuff together. Once in a blue moon, though—if all the stars and the planets align just right and Therissa is in a good mood—Brody can convince her to join them. And today, much to the twin-tailed tween’s delight, is one of those days.

Tonight, they’re going to have a campout. Or, rather, a camp “in” due to the lack of a tent, a campfire, s’mores, and the whole outdoors element that are all fundamental to a typical night of camping. Nonetheless, Brody and Violet move their mattresses to the middle of the bedroom floor and pitch a little blanket fort above them using their chairs and desks. Therissa plops herself right in the center of the mattresses and stretches out comfortably while her roomies circle the room like busy bees, collecting all of the pillows and blankets to use for extra cushioning.  

“Let’s play a game!” Brody suggests as she flops belly-first onto a mountain of blankets. “Truth or dare.” She frowns when Violet and Therissa let out a collective groan. “Come on, it’ll be fun. This is our first campout together, so we should get to know each other better.”

“You do realize we’ve all been sleeping in the same room for, like, a year, right?” Therissa points out.

“Oh, hush, you know what I mean.”

“So, basically, you want to ask me a bunch of questions and make me talk about myself,” Therissa says, catching on to Brody’s ulterior motive right away. Propping her head up with her elbow, she turns to Violet and screws up her face into one of exaggerated distaste, causing the blonde to slap her hands over her mouth to prevent herself from laughing out loud. Violet crouches down and crawls into their fort, taking a seat next to Therissa, who winks at her. 

“It’s for all of us,” Brody insists. “You get to ask me and Vi stuff, too.”

“Can’t we just, like, play cards or something?” Violet doesn’t particularly feel like talking about herself today, either. Truth or dare is one of those risky games with the potential to get uncomfortably personal. A feeling deep in her gut is telling her that playing something like that with Therissa around might not make for the most enjoyable of times. The teen seems like the type who would ask weird questions and come up with mortifying dares. 

“I second that,” says Therissa, holding up a hand with her index finger extended. “But no baby games like Go Fish or Old Maid. You guys know how to play poker?”

“Isn’t that the one where you have to… you know... take off your clothes?”

The eldest girl snorts, nearly choking, and cackles loudly. “No, V, that’s strip poker.” 

A disappointed pout appears on Brody’s face as she allows herself a moment to mourn the loss of the truth or dare game that never was. With Therissa and Violet being so similar, she comes to the realization that she very well might have to get used to being outnumbered again. It was the same way at home with her two older brothers. Now that she and her siblings are all a bit older, wiser, and have learned to compromise every now and then, it’s not so bad, but Brody remembers that when she was really little, Dawson and Hunter hardly ever wanted to do what she wanted to do. It was always two against one, and never in her favor.  

Brody doesn’t dwell on it for long, though. The most important thing is that she’s getting to spend time with Violet and Therissa. Together. At the same time! And card games can be fun, too. Brody’s never played poker in her life, but she’d love to learn. Therissa leaves their fort just to grab a slightly worn deck of cards from her desk drawer, but then Brody and Violet scoot in close, listening intently as the teen starts to explain the rules.  

Therissa only gets as far as explaining the object of the game when there’s a knock at the door. Brody excitedly hops up to see who it is. “I’ll get it!”  

It’s Marlon, this week’s mail boy, wearing khaki shorts, white knee-high socks, and a deep red polo shirt embroidered with the Ericson emblem. The matching red newsie cap atop his head is just as prominent as the scowl on his face. Each week, a different student is selected to help sort student mail and then deliver it to the correct dorm rooms. Unlike Brody, who sports the uniform with pride every time her turn to be mail girl comes along, the blonde boy is clearly one of the many kids at the school who finds the whole thing kind of humiliating. 

Reaching into the large, brown satchel hanging from his shoulder, Marlon pulls out a padded envelope and practically shoves it into Brody’s hands. “Special delivery. See ya!”

“Thanks,” says Brody, but her classmate has already taken off running down the hall. Shutting the door, Brody comes back to the center of the room and takes a closer look at the small, lumpy package. “Oh, Therissa, it’s for you!” She glances at the name and address in the upper left corner and grins. “It’s from Mel!” 

“Oh, that.” Therissa already knows what’s inside the package without having to look, and she’s already starting to feel embarrassed at the thought of what’s about to go down. Keeping a straight face, she does her best to play it cool. “Wanna open it for me?”

“Sure,” replies Brody, returning to her previous spot in the fort and shaking the envelope ever so slightly. Violet moves closer, just as curious, watching as her friend tears open one end of the package. Before Brody can reach inside, the envelope’s contents start rolling and something colorful falls out onto the mattress below. The girl blinks, speechless, and stares down at the two tiny glass bottles in awe. “It’s… nail polish. But they’re—”

“They’re yours.”

Brody takes in a sharp breath and her hands go to cover her mouth. “What?”

Therissa reaches out and takes the nail polish, holding each color in front of her face to get a look at them before they go to their new owner. There’s a shockingly hot pink and a bright sky blue, and the thought of wearing either of these colors on her own fingernails sort of makes the teenager want to puke, but they’re disgustingly, disturbingly perfect. “Yeah, I mean, if I ever wake up one day wanting to look like a bubblegum fairy princess, I’ll let you know, but until then”—Therissa removes her roommate’s hands from her face and drops the bottles into her palms—“I think you should hold onto them.”

“Oh, these colors are so cute! Are they really for me?” Brody can’t believe what’s happening. She pinches herself to make sure she’s not dreaming. Ouch. She’s not. Breaking into the biggest smile, Brody hugs the bottles to her chest.    

“It’s just, I know how much you wanted to be there when me and Violet did ours, so…” Therissa’s face is getting too warm for her to finish her sentence, so she cuts herself off. “Anyway, if I’m gonna do your nails, I had to make sure we had the right colors. You’re way too… you for any of mine. No offense.”

Squealing, Brody launches herself at the teen and hugs her tighter than ever before. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Violet snickers. “Can you imagine Brody with, like, black nails?”

“And black eyeliner and maybe a little mascara?” Therissa pictures their auburn-haired roomie wearing her makeup and shakes her head, starting to laugh as well. “Oh my god, she’d be like an emo Elmo.” With one final pat onto the younger girl’s back, Therissa pulls away gently. She looks at Brody, grinning in amusement. “What do you think? Wanna try it out? I could give you a couple piercings to match.” 

Brody gasps, face contorting into one of absolute horror as she imagines Therissa coming at her ears with a needle. She fervently shakes her head and shudders. “No!”

Therissa and Violet turn to look at each other, but as soon as they make eye contact, they both explode into hysterics. It isn’t long before Brody realizes that the teen was just kidding around, and she soon finds herself giggling, too. Whether it’s joy, sadness, excitement or even fear, Brody tends to absorb the emotions of those around her. They penetrate her down to the bone and she feels them as though they’re her own. Brody can tell what sort of mood Therissa’s in before the teenager even opens her mouth. If Violet has a bad dream and wakes up sad or scared, Brody cries right along with her. When her friends are happy, so is she.

Brody’s always been a little bit like that. 

Occasionally her mind wanders. Sometimes Brody thinks about what her life would be like if her parents never sent her to Ericson’s. Would she still be as frightened and anxious as she was before meeting Dr. Larson? Would she have found a best friend whom she loves as much as she loves Violet? Like everything else in the world, life at a boarding school has its ups and downs. Some days are tougher than others, and being away from her family is rough sometimes, but Brody is forever grateful that she ended up here.

Here, as in Ericson Academy, of course. But also here, as in right here in her bedroom, sitting in between her best friend, Violet and her newest friend, Therissa, in the cozy comfort of their blanket fort. 

And here, on this particular Saturday afternoon, Brody knows one thing for certain—she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

[writingfordreams]

hi could you write an imagine about how Taron and the reader enjoy the weekend at the beach and they rent a cute lil beachfront house and the beach is private so there’s not a whole lot of people and they spend their entire time swimming, resting, making love, going out to shop and eat, and cuddling on the porch at night and listening to the waves. this is super detailed but I can’t stop thinking about it :(

i love all the detail in this, and i had a lot of fun writing it! i was happy to do this for you, and i hope it’s alright! thank you so much for the request ♡ more under the cut as per usual!

It wasn’t often that you and Taron had a weekend of complete nothingness. No events, no parties, no family to see, zero obligations. When Taron perked up at the idea of a beach weekend in the middle of a comfortable silence, it might’ve been the happiest moment of your entire existence thus far. Alright, that’s dramatic, but you were so, so happy. Sometimes you forget the wealth between you and your boyfriend, because when you arrived to the little beachfront house, a means to a beautiful view of the ocean and a couple of propped up umbrellas, you’re shocked. To say the least of it, anyway. Taron’s got a bag hung over his shoulder of a few necessitates that just couldn’t sit in the suitcases as you two walk inside, meeting the newly furnished living area and kitchen, and you plop down onto a love seat that actually feels like heaven. The whole place is drowned in this dewy blue hew, brought to you by aqua curtains. There’s shells just about every place a shell could be, and you look to Taron with every small discovery. He meets you half way with just as much joy. Each time you and Taron meet eyes it’s like this electrifying excitement that never quite goes away. This thrilling realization that, yes, this whole weekend was yours.

That Friday, you spend the rest of the morning unpacking. Putting clothes into drawers, figuring out how to work a kettle that Taron is convinced belongs on a space ship rather than the humble abode of your getaway paradise, and stepping outside just to smell the ocean air. Taron throws on a pair of shorts (That you told him prior to getting there that he should’ve put on to begin with), and he puts an arm around you as the waves come crawling in, crashing back into the body of the ocean like a beautiful reunion. When you two look at each other, the smiles are toothy and sincere. After a while and a power nap or two, the evening begins to roll in like the water touching the shoreline and you and Taron take a stroll along the dimming beach. There’s a small souvenir shop by the stairs of the dock that looked promising but was most definitely closed. Taron insists it’s not based on a small light turned on and runs ridiculously up the sand, peering into dark windows just to prove you right. You laugh adoringly at his efforts, and kiss his face when he comes back to you out of breath and sheepish. When you both had your fill of the ocean night life, you return to the beach house with lazy smiles and happy bellies fully of candy floss from a vendor that you just caught before closing. You set down your phone and before you can turn to face Taron he’s got two hands at your hips, and he’s smiling at you like he did at the setting sun just minutes before. When you two kiss it’s sticky sweet and lovely, and you both take your time unraveling each other. From the couch, to the bed, to each other.

Saturday morning brought on a trip to a small grocery store on the dock, and a full English breakfast carefully assembled by you and Taron. You both definitely wont discuss how you accidentally dropped an egg on the floor and laughed over it so long that you forgot to check on the sausage. With bellies full, you both head out to the dock for a bit of shopping. Taron sings along to the music buzzing along the chipping wood and shopping folks (You’re surprised by the lack of crowds, honestly) and you record a clip of him singing This Charming Man by The Smiths in his best impression for your Instagram story (Which you happily stamped with a sticker of a fish with sunglasses on). After a vicious day of draining your every penny, you return to your temporary home with new flip flops, a hat that Taron says makes you look like, and you quote, a sexy beach scarecrow, and two matching shirts for you and your boyfriend. Taron has his on already because of course he couldn’t wait, and you throw yours on once you step foot into the door. When the afternoon lulls on, you and Taron sit intertwined on the porch couch and watch seagulls fight over a discarded churro. Eventually you shift into a position where your head’s in Taron’s lap, and he’s toying with the strands of hair on your head while he talks about anything, everything. You can’t help bringing a hand up to squeeze at his chin while he talks, and it just feels right when he dips down to take your mouth in his own in a sweet kiss every few moments. Time escaping you both, the night rolls in in the sky leaving it a dull blue, and you nearly fall asleep to the sound of the waves - and almost don’t notice Taron leaving just to come back with two glasses of wine and a plate of pre-cut and prepared crackers and cheese you two had picked up that morning. Thank god. You talk, you laugh, you eat and even manage to have a heart to heart, sat there on the contentment of the porch. 

Sunday comes with a certain lets makes the best of it attitude. You both take in your last morning of paradise, you wrapped up in Taron’s arms as he sways you both gently out of your sleepiness. First thing on the agenda was swimming, which, you’re shocked you hadn’t done any of just yet. The beach is no where near crowded, well with just a few people lingering about three miles off, and Taron’s got a hand at your back the whole walk into the water. Once you’re waist deep, shivering and chuckling, Taron goes completely under because he’s decidedly a maniac. Apparently a contagious son of a bitch too, because you take the leap and go under as well not long after his sudden bravery. You two smile so hard your cheeks hurt, splashing as the sun begins to poke from the clouds and warm up your skin which was littered with droplets of water and soon to be darker freckles and beauty moles. It feels like a film when you two kiss in the churning waves surrounding you, salty and happy. With one long, shared towel wrapped around the both of you, you walk further up the sand and decide together to lie and bathe in the sun for a while. Of course you take a few photos of Taron in his shirtless glory, and in return he shows you the photos he took of you last night, staring at the sun, then asleep on the porch. You show him that singing Instagram story, too. 

Dinner is at a dimly lit seafood place up at the end of the dock, bustling with sounds of cutlery and dull chatter among the guests. You and Taron talk over a bowl of bread sticks and yes, ask for seconds when offered them. Dinner is as good as Taron looks in the orange hue of the place, and you clap and sing along to someone elderly man’s birthday brought on by happy waiters. Dessert is a lava cake shared by the both of you, and Taron takes it upon himself to get another good selfie in with spoons in your mouths. The walk out is within Taron’s arms, with yours around his waist (Could we look anymore like a couple? you’d said.) Once you get back to the house, it’s like a dam had broken and it’s all hands and teeth and heartbeats jumping from your chests. Taron says he loves you first chance he gets, and you can hear the waves go on outside from a window you had left open and forgot to close once you left for the day. You make love right there on the couch, kissing slowly and admiring each other at every chance. You tell Taron you love him when he’s got his mouth on your neck, and the vibration of his happy groan sends chills around your body. 

The following morning is too quick for your liking. Besides the hour spend lazing on the couch you both had accidentally woken up on, smiling at each other and chatting about a dream you had which starred a man chasing you down the dock asking you if you’d like more bread sticks. Taron happily reenacts the horror of it once he stands, taking you with him and chasing you stupidly around the kitchen until you surrender, waving a napkin as a flag. Breakfast is jelly on toast because you both can’t be bothered until you head out one last time to the dock. Then it’s down to the beach, eating breakfast sandwiches and asking a nice couple to take a photo of you and Taron by the sand, holding up drinks you had picked up from a vendor bar along the shore.  Smiling and holding each other as the sun peaked out from behind you. Taron takes a phone call while you look through the photos from that morning, smiling at one of Taron holding a bitten slice of toast up to his mouth, acting as a smile. When he returns to you, there’s melancholy in the smile he gives you. As the day comes to an end, you two stop at a few more stores to pick up a few things for Taron’s sisters and his mother. You buy a few magnets to give as gifts and a beach towel with the name of the location on it in fancy fonts. You and Taron laugh at how overpriced some items were and then discuss how important it is to support smaller tourist businesses and such. You both meet half way as usual. Packing up follows, both of you running around making sure not a single phone charger or hair tie was left behind. You selfishly take in the view from the porch for a little while longer while Taron sets up things in the car, and then you say your silent goodbyes, bringing a few bags to the van. The car ride home consists of This Charming Man by The Smiths and not much else.

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[adamsvanrhijn]

If you’re still doing the directors cut, would you be willing to do “strange how I fit into you (there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease)” from “York , October 1933” to as far as you want since it’s a long passage? Thanks!

moroh boy oh boy oh boy

ok wel it IS a long passage, so we’ll see how much i get through!

strange how I fit into you (there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease) by smithens

under cut for discussion of suicide + length

York, October 1933

so i chose october to be the Rough Month mostly because octobers i think... can be pretty rough? it’s the middle of autumn and things are starting to really turn colder and grayer, so the seasonal element hits harder, and that’s a factor here for thomas... an extrapolation from canon but not one that i think requires mental gymnastics.

The door creaks on its hinges as it shuts.

Before Thomas can think about what this means for him — all those lies he'll have to keep up with, more stories to get straight, it's never ending and he's just so tired — the bed is shifting underneath him and there's something (Mrs Ellis's knitted Afghan, or Miss Baxter's quilt) (no, there's yarn on his cheek, it's the Afghan) more round his shoulders.

Not just the blanket.

"What'd you need?" Richard murmurs. He is very, very close. "What can I do?"

one sensory element of being up to your eyeballs in depression & brainfog.... everything is hypersensitive but also you’re not entirely aware at the same time, so everything that happens to your body prompts another little mental loop that you’re too exhausted to deal with... that’s what’s going on here

richard could be better at being comforting; he second guesses himself... wants to get it right but the stakes are high if he doesn’t, so he errs on the side of caution and ends up overwhelming him more by making another Decision, although he does figure it out eventually

Thomas shakes his head. Tears prick at his eyes again, but he keeps them shut tight — seeing is the only thing he can put a stopper in, no matter what he'll still have to hear and feel things. No matter how much he wishes otherwise. Not much to see even if he wanted, though, it's the sun's just about gone down and he didn't bother to turn on a lamp before. Dark and cold, even with the curtains open. The days just keep getting shorter; working nights doesn't help. Maybe if it were summer…

more of the seasonal element; more of the sensory element

thomas in this scene is pretty high up on the suicidality scale (i’m leaving what happened before this starts up to interpretation bc that’s an important part of the scene) but he has come down a little now that richard is present. the headspace he is in here is more “i want to go to sleep and never wake up” rather than planning/desiring to actually kill himself, and he’s thinking Around it but not actually getting sucked in again, which is good but still a difficult and exhausting mental position to be in

"What can I do, Thomas," says Richard into his ear. He lies down behind him all the way and slings his arm across Thomas's chest, and the weight of it is soothing as much as it is suffocating.

He wishes he had it easier. That he could only feel one of those things at a time.

He wishes all of this were easier.

"What's happened? Has something happened you've not told me about?"

more richard not entirely Getting it... i think a big part of his character in this is he’s an answers guy, he tends to follow patterns, and as this richard has never been depressed he associates Sadness and Despair with something happening, whereas for thomas it’s almost the opposite where it’s associated more with inertia and malaise, everything’s bad and it’s all blending together, so thomas can’t exactly answer the question properly because while he did have a switch over he can’t pinpoint it, but he’s aware of his mental state as well as that richard doesn’t entirely understand it and that awareness doesn’t help him very much here

also i think spooning can be a very good comfort position so in this verse it’s a coupley thing that they do... the big spoon gets to be the comforter and the little spoon is the comforted

He shakes his head.

Richard takes his mangled hand out from under the blanket and holds it, squeezing tight. It makes his third and fourth fingers cramp, but that's something to feel that isn't dull and numb and nothing, so he doesn't mind it.

He does mind when Richard's thumb traces up on the inside of his wrist.

"Don't," Thomas chokes out.

He lets go.

"If," Richard starts, "if I hadn't come home when I did…"

richard is thinking what if and his actions are betraying that before his words are; thomas doesn’t like that it’s being drawn attention to

he strongly dislikes being vulnerable and finds it very viscerally uncomfortable even with richard, who is the only person he allows to get this close to him anyway

"But you did."

"Yeah," he says after a moment. "Yeah, I did, I – God, Thomas," and he buries his face into his back and shoulder and tugs him tighter with his arm, breathing heavily. "Oh, Thomas."

"It's too hard," Thomas whispers.

A small kiss at the nape of his neck, beneath his ear, at the corner of his jaw.

He barely feels them.

"I wish it weren't."

"I can't."

"I know."

desensitized! this is also when it finally clicks for richard what thomas’s needs here actually are and what the situation is at this point

It's Tuesday. Eventually they get out of bed. When he thinks Thomas isn't paying attention Richard jams the door latches and takes the shaving kits out of the washroom, rearranges the cupboards in the kitchen. Apparently he can't even be trusted in his own home.

the day of the week is brought up in the first four scenes of this fic (monday > friday/saturday > sunday > tuesday) because the anchor of the fic is domestic chores & the process of doing laundry; in this time period there was still an established order to doing this that like, both their mothers and every other woman they know would have followed (which is why it works for richard’s sister to do theirs for them in the first scene) and that thomas implements, so that’s the structure here. tuesday or wednesday is pressing & steaming.

thomas is attributing a sneaky element to richard’s actions here that doesn’t actually exist. richard is fully aware that thomas is paying attention when he does these things because he’s not taking his eye off of him for a second; thomas is in a frame of mind where he thinks that richard will assume, based on him being catatonic, that he is not paying attention, and thus will not pay him any in turn, because that is his experience when he is depressed... but that’s not how richard is, nor how their relationship is

richard is following best practices here but it’s the sort of best practices that makes the suicidal person feel like shit, lmao. eliminate opportunities for privacy + remove methods, “rearranges” is code for hiding/getting rid of poison and sharp things. also the shaving element in this & the companion piece is like a thinly veiled masculinity thing in addition to the mental health thing it also has

it is because richard knows, loves and trusts thomas that he is doing it, not because he doesn’t, but thomas isn’t in the right place to figure that out here

"You won't let me be useful," Thomas mumbles. He's seated on the floor at Richard's feet, a pathetic heap, wrapped in a blanket and with a mug of tea within reach, though he's let it go cold. The sofa is right there, and that's where he'd started, but sitting properly feels wrong, and he's not going to laze about in bed all evening. A few hours ago that was all he wanted. Things can change so quick sometimes.

sitting on the floor... the mood. he’s been there a little while, that’s what the tea is meant to indicate. he’s now conscious of himself and his surroundings enough that he’s back in to being Cognitive, analysing what is around him and what he wants. what he wants is to be useful and feel like he’s contributing, because he’s put a lot of his self-worth into that in the first months of them living together (they both have! it’s a source of conflict!) and now feels like that’s been taken away

one of the big parts of thomas’s canonical depression & suicide attempt is to do with him lacking a sense of purpose and feeling like he cannot contribute; in this scenario he feels that he has manufactured his contributions and he has tied his self-worth to them entirely. he’s very much given himself the impression, due to past experiences, the brain making patterns, that if he’s not useful (if he’s not perfect, in how he sets standards for himself) richard’s not going to want him around anymore. he thinks he’s made up his own worth basically and he expects richard to leave him / feels like he’s deceiving him, and that’s what prompts the spiral, it’s sort of about getting-it-over-with, and that’s also the element of his depression that contributes to the lack of sexual desire & interest that is referred to in the next scene of this fic as well as seen in richard’s pov in the companion piece... big feelings of fraud/imposter syndrome here

Richard doesn't look at him. Too busy pressing a collar. "You do this every week, Mr Barrow," he says. He only ever calls him that when he's flirting or trying to cheer him up or such like.

"And?"

pressing and steaming day! 

"And you might let me for a change," nonchalant in a careful sort of way. "You've just been burning the midnight oil a bit too often…"

"I've been working at midnight," mutters Thomas. They're short of staff: more nights for everybody. He had today off, and he'll have tomorrow off, and then he'll go in Thursday night and make himself useful somehow.

"You're not going back to work for seven to ten days," Richard says sharply. He sets down the iron. It probably needs to be heated again but he won't leave Thomas alone to do it. That's all they need, is him doing a shoddy job of the ironing… "You're ill."’

"I'm not ill – "

"No use arguing about it," interrupts Richard. "Settled it when I telephoned, wasn't even my suggestion."

Flu Lie.... richard telephoned thomas’s job

the iron is made of metal (iron!) and has to be manually heated to work

thomas’s concern about their household is still present even in the circumstances...

ok i’m getting sleepy i’ll publish this now bc you can’t really save asks as drafts properly and then i’ll get to the rest like, tomorrow lol

"Because you lied…"

"Thomas, you and I lie every day of our lives – "

He stops talking at the first sniffle. Somehow he manages to sit even after Thomas has slumped over with his head against his calves; he wraps his arms around him and takes his head into his shoulder. Thomas doesn't know whether he should feel guilty for allowing him to sit on the floor like he is or thankful that he wants to or both. "I'll take the week off, too."

"We can't afford – "

"We've got family," Richard says softly. We, he says, not I. "They'll look after things. That's what they're for, isn't it?"

"You can't quit everything for just me," Thomas says, hoarse. He's not sobbing; he doesn't have the energy for it. But he's not dry-eyed either.

"I can," he returns. "And I'm going to, Thomas."

"Why," he mumbles, "why, why, why," over and over, because that's the only question he's got in his head left to ask. He's not even sure he wants the answer.

"Because that's what I'm for," still so soft, when Thomas doesn't deserve that at all, "that's what I'm here for, love."

"'m not worth it."

Richard doesn't bother arguing with him. "I love you," he says. They don't say it very often; Thomas doesn't deserve him saying it now. "God, I love you."

"You shouldn't."

"But I do," breathes Richard, clutching him close. Nobody's ever held him like this before and especially not when he's feeling the way he is now. Somehow that registers for him. "I do," reassuring. "Fuck, I should've noticed – "

"Didn't want you to."

"I know, Thomas." He kisses his temple. "I know."

[aescintillating]

CAPTIONS from top to bottom

1st: Today I woke up and was possessed by the spirit of Cassie Howard 2nd: Sunday mornings more like laze about days  @.leviosah 3rd: Imagine not being related to a queen like that? Can't relate @.elise 4th: Like the flower I am, I need all that photosynthesis I can get, babes. x 5th: Imagine not being addicted to make up. What an absurd concept. 6th: Pre homecoming prom pic, I still can't get over that day, take me baaaaack @.leviosah  7th: I just can't with himm anymore @.leviosah 8th: babyyyyyyyyyyyy, lots of babyyyyy @.leviosah 9th: HOMECOMING QUEEN AND KING RIGHT HERE! 10th: I just can't believe this, oh my god. We won our senior homecoming game all thanks to the best person in the world, I'm so proud of this boy. Sometimes I wonder what have I done in my life to deserve a friend like him. MVP. @.loveandjoy.  11th: my baby lives in shades of cool @.leviosah 12th: I can't fool around anymore about the inside jokes here 13th: Tried to cosplay as my boyfriend, ended up as my boyfriend's other boyfriend #lames @.leviosah @.tames 14th: Have you ever missed something trivial so bad it hurts? Me and this summer, completely. Have a #tbt 15th: Watches euphoria again

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Sparrow’s Flight (7)

A/N: A happily ever after with some smut in the middle so 18+. Domesticity suits Bucky. It suits him really well

Bucky Barnes waits for the train bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

Steve and Peggy were arriving today with his newborn goddaughter in tow. They were moving to California. Steve had accepted a position with Bucky and the two of them were happy to be back together. Really, Peggy had prevailed on him. The winters were hard on Steve and a milder climate would probably help with his cough. Bucky thanked his lucky stars for the two women they’d managed to find. They didn’t deserve either one of you but they were desperately in love. 

Married a year now and living just outside the city, Bucky was happy. He worked for the organized crime division of the FBI and you taught piano lessons in your front room. An elegant upright piano Bucky had bought for you was your most prized possession. He knew that as he was waiting on the train, you were home. Anxiously tidying and fretting about having a nice dessert to welcome old friends. You were the perfect housewife now that you’d learned to cook, he thought with a smile. It had been a year of burnt dinners while you got your bearings in the kitchen but, he didn’t mind. Sometimes he even missed it. You’d been so proud of yourself, looking after the house and doing all the things you never thought you’d get to do... That first dinner had been terrible but, god love you, you had tried so hard. He’d insisted that he liked it that way and tried not to let you see him laughing when you started tearing up in a panic. The only thing that would make everything exactly as he dreamed it would be would be about a half a dozen chubby babies with your curls and his eyes. But Bucky wasn’t worried. They had plenty of time and he enjoyed the practice... With luck, he’d get a little more in tonight. You’d been especially intent on making a baby recently and he was more than happy to participate. 

Steve and Peggy were thrilled to see him and he hugged them both, happy to see them. He told them about the neighborhood and the neighbors. They were moving in just down the street. Steve and Bucky wanted the girls to have each other to lean on when work kept them away from home, they’d decided. And as Steve and Bucky indulged in a quiet glass of whiskey in a back room, listening to you and Peggy coo over the baby, they were glad that the two of you got along so well. “So,” Steve asked, smiling a little as he watched his friend’s face soften as his wife cuddled her goddaughter, “Is there a little Barnes on the way any time soon?” Bucky felt his cheeks color, “Hopefully,” he said. Even with Steve, he was guarded about matters that happened in your bedroom. He’d hated seeing you dragged through the tabloids and having your assaults bandied about made him quiet about it. “Good luck,” he said with a wink. Bucky snorted and looked back towards you, “She deserves to be someone’s mother,” he said honestly, “If... if it doesn’t work out we’ll adopt. We talked about it a few months ago. Doctors say she’s able to have children but... It’s been a year and nothing’s happened yet.” Steve clapped him on the shoulder, “Good things take time, Buck,” he said bracingly, “you’ll see. Once the babies start coming you’ll look back at right now and laugh.” 

Later in the evening after Steve and Peggy have left to go home, to start unpacking and settle in, to get Rosie to bed; you put on Bucky’s favorite record and cuddle into his arms on the couch. “You did good, kid,” Bucky said, tilting your chin up to kiss you slowly. You blush at the praise and press into his kiss, “You think so?” He grins and  strokes your back, “I know so,” he said, “Dinner was beautiful, I think they felt very welcomed.” It’s a little thing, but this is your home. The first home you’ve ever really had and you take it seriously. He smiled at the flush on your cheeks and smacked your bottom affectionately, “C’mon, kid,” he said huskily, “I spent all night watching you cuddle a baby... If I don’t get you upstairs soon I’m going to burst.” You giggle and don’t protest at all when he scoops you up and carries you to the bedroom. You’re too distracted with getting him out of his tie and starting to unbutton his shirt. 

In the bedroom, the lights low and soft, Bucky takes his time undressing you. It’s like unwrapping a gift every time. “Oh kid,” he sighs as you unbutton his pants, “What are you doing?” You smirk up at him and suck a mark into his chest. Over the last year, Bucky had been teaching you what sex should be. That you should enjoy it. That with him, he didn’t just want you to get him off and be quiet. He wanted you to be spoiled. He wanted you to be needy and vocal. It made him feel good knowing you were enjoying him as much as he enjoyed you. That night is no exception. 

As he pins you under him and lavishes greedy, hungry kisses down your body that make you sigh in want, he nuzzles into your belly and kisses tenderly. He says a quiet prayer to a god he hasn’t prayed to in years that this is gonna be the time. That this is night he gives you the baby you deserve. When he slides inside you and you sigh softly, he smiles. You’d been so scared on the wedding night. Afraid of pain. That’s all you knew. But he’d not allowed that. He’d spent hours lavishing attention on you, introducing you to pleasure under his hands. It had been one of the single proudest moments of his life when the first gentle orgasm washed over you and you reached for him to comfort you in your confusion. 

Now, as you returned his kisses and caresses eagerly, your legs wrapping around his waist to pull him closer, you felt safe. “I love you, Bucky,” you pant, arching up into him for more. “I love you, too kid,” he said, crushing your lips in a kiss as he reached between you to toy with the bundle of nerves that would make you come apart for him. 

In the wee small hours of Sunday morning as you slept on Bucky’s chest in the rumpled bedding, Bucky is awake. The first sliver of dawn streaking across the sky has him opening his eyes. A holdover from his Army days he still can’t shake. But that’s okay. He doesn’t mind making breakfast for you on a Sunday while you laze around in bed. You need sleep, he’d kept you up late. But once he’d gotten started he couldn’t stop. The thought of you with his baby on your hip spurred him on. He wanted that. He wanted enough kids to have a baseball team and you in the middle of the merry brood keeping them all in line. It was all he wanted. The family both of you needed. 

~~~~~~~~

You were in a tizzy that night when Bucky got home. Anxious cleaning, he noticed. The house was spotless and you were straightening things that didn’t need it, fussing with the plates and glasses after you set the table. He watched, leaning against the door frame in his shirt sleeves and his tie discarded for the evening. “What’s the deal, kid?” he asked, a little concerned. He crossed the room to you and took the duster from your hand, pulling you into a soft kiss. You’d been a little sleepy and not feeling your best recently, he knew but. You looked better today, all rosy cheeks and bright eyes.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, pressing a hand to your forehead, checking for fever. You look up at him and smile, pressing into his kiss and wrapping your arms around his neck, standing on your toes for more kisses. He knows you’re stalling, trying to find words while you kiss him, but he doesn’t mind. “Talk to me, kid,” he said resting his hand on your bottom and giving it a squeeze, “What’s going on?” 

For just a moment, when you blurt the words out, he can’t breathe. “I’m pregnant!” you tell him, grinning at him. You’d been trying for so long and now that it’s happening, he can’t believe it. He can’t talk to you right then. All he can do is cover you in kisses and clutch you to him like someone is gonna snatch you out of his arms. 

He dotes on you that night as you read a book while he tries to read a paper, “Kid, are you hungry?” he asked looking up over his paper and asking if you need anything for the 5th time that hour. “Bucky,” you say laughing, “We just had dinner. I’m fine... The baby is fine. It’s hardly a baby yet.” He feels his cheeks color and pulls your feet into his lap so he could be touching you, “I just... You’re having a baby,” he said smiling tenderly, “My baby.”  You put your book aside and crawl into his lap carefully, laying your head on his shoulder. “I love you so much, Bucky.” He chuckles and kisses your neck, “I love you, too, Y/N.”

~~~~~

Bucky had been driving Steve and Peggy insane for the last 24 hours. He’d called Steve at least 9 times from the hospital, wanting reassurance that it was supposed to take this long to have a baby. That the Doctors really did know what they were doing. Peggy had been a little more helpful than Steve, reminding him that you needed him to stay calm and be steady for her even if the nurses were keeping him out of the room. She also reminded him that Cigarettes and coffee were not food and would he kindly go get a sandwich. 

He didn’t know how many Cigarettes he’d had. There were a lot as he chain-smoked his way through your labor. He couldn’t take it. He didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl but he didn’t care. He wasn’t exactly decrepit but at Almost 30 he was a lot keener on teaching a daughter to dance than he was teaching a rambunctious boy to play baseball. But as the hours ticked by and he paced a hole in the floor, all he wanted was a healthy baby and a healthy mama waiting on the other side of those damn swinging doors. 

By the time a smiling nurse in a starched uniform and cap came to take him to you, he was ready to jump out of his skin. He padded his way through the halls following her, listening to the sounds of babies crying. He could have found his way to you even without the nurse. The sound of your voice, soft and lilting cut through the din sweetly and you sang the first lullaby that baby would ever hear. 

He stopped at the door, blinking away tears as he watched. You were so beautiful in the fading sunlight. The tiny blanketed bundle in your arms. 

The Federal Agent was terrified of hurting either of you as he stepped closer to the bed. The tiny blue cap telling him that it was a girl. You smile up at him, tears on your cheeks as he kisses you. He took the bundle out of your arms and cradled her carefully, “Emma Grace,” he said, “Welcome to the world, sweetheart.” Her tiny hand wrapped around his finger and he beamed through the tears, “You did good, kid,” he said, kissing you again. “She’s beautiful,” he whispered, “Just like her mama.”

Tags: @lancsnerd, @stevieang, @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

What Sundays Are All About

Fandom: Brooklyn Nine Nine

Pairing: Jake Peralta x Female Identifying Reader (She/Her/Girlfriend used)

Warning: N/A

Writer: @imaginesofeveryfandom aka @hufflepuffing-all-day-long

Summary/Request: Requested by anon: Can I request some Jake Peralta/fem reader general cuteness during a lazy Sunday at home - late breakfast, lazing around watching films etc :) if it’s okay maybe some lazy Sunday sex too... 

Notes: I don’t really write smut on request anymore, it’s much easier to write it when an idea pops into my head then when I get asked too. But I can do fluff. 

You woke up on Sunday morning warm, comfortable, and wrapped up in Jake’s arms. The smell of his cologne still clinging to his skin. It was the best way to wake up. Next to your boyfriend, knowing you didn’t have to do anything that day, that you could wake up late and wear pajamas all day.

“Jake, you awake? Babe?” You push yourself up on your elbows and look over at him, his eyes are closed, but his smile is definitely too wide to be the smile of someone fast asleep.

You poke him in the shoulder, “Don’t wanna get up.” He grumbles at you, but opens his eyes anyway. He’s smiling too despite his ‘refusal’ to wake up. 

“So don’t. I’ll go make some breakfast and we can watch TV in here.” You thanked your forethought on days like this, it was a good idea to put a TV in your bedroom, you spent more time curled up in bed watching films then you did in the living room anyway. Much more comfortable and with your busy work schedules, you were both too tired to watch them anywhere but bed. 

“Die Hard? Pancakes?”

“Mmmhhmmm.” You smile down at him and his massive grin. As silly was it was he loved Die Hard so much, it made you smile. Even if it wasn’t your favourite movie. 

“God, you’re the best girlfriend ever!”

“Jake!” He rolls over on top of you, his lips begin assaulting your face, pressing kisses to your cheeks, nose, forehead, chin, anywhere in reach. “Jake, I have to go make pancakes!” He grumbles at that but lets you go rolling back to nestle against his pillows. 

You make pancakes the way you always do. Chocolate chips in the batter, gooey chocolate and tasty sponginess. Some people say sweet foods aren’t for breakfast, you and Jake disagree. The only way to do a proper breakfast is for it to be sweet, who said breakfast couldn’t be like dessert?

“These are great, I love you.”

“Love you too, babe.” You kiss him quickly, turning back to press play on the DVD. Plates of pancakes in your laps. This was what Sundays were all about. Pancakes, movies, a ton of pillows, and Jake. 

[ad-renalyn]

Possibilities

Chapter 3: Guitar and Heart Strings 

Chapter [ 1, 2 ] 

Luka woke up as he heard whimpers and scratches just behind his door, he sat up as he gently rub his eyes and yawn ‘7:00 AM’ the red light on the clock read.

‘Oh god….too early on a sunday..boxer why are you like this’ he internally groaned while making up his bed, placing the folded duvet on the chair along with the pillows before gently sliding the mattress under the bed, trying not to wake you up.

He recalled what had happened last night, while he quietly made his way out the room. “Sorry buddy, can’t go in there” he quietly said to the beagle, gently closing the door behind him with a soft click. He walked towards the bathroom with boxer following him.

“...seriously? Look, I love you but will you just…..no..don’t..” he reasoned out but the beagle kept looking at him with her big puppy dog eyes, not wanting to be alone “oh god why do I even try….” he sighed scratching the back of his head as he gave in and left the door open by just a crack. He continued to get ready while boxer stayed in the bathroom with him sitting quietly.

“Well, let’s just go cook up some breakfast for everyone I suppose” he gave boxer a pet before heading to the kitchen, boxer behind him wagging her tail.

He noticed that no one's there yet and proceeded to take boxer's food and water bowl to fill them before proceeding onto cooking up breakfast.

He heard the door open followed by boxer barking, he walked up to see who's by the door

“Oh, hey Pops” he greeted, bowl in hand as he continue to mix the eggs.

“Well you up early, also here” Luciano teased, placing the paper bag on the table

“You got boxer to thank for that” he shrugged, giving his attention in to pouring the eggs onto the pan “Croissant? Also, aren't you off today? Why are you up early?”

“Yeah, but I'm going to the station to make some calls for (Y/N) and I need to let her school know she won't be in for a while as well...I'm surprised you didn't ask anything about her” Luciano said, as he presses a button to brew coffee.

“...Yeah well.. I don't wanna just pry into someone's life y'know, plus if I want to know anything.. I'll just ask her myself” he replied, smiling to himself.

Luciano looked at him surprised “Huh….when you say things like that I forget that you’re 12” he chuckled ruffling Luka’s hair “Stop messing with me old man, you know I’m 15… right?...” Luka responded with an unamused expression which made his father laugh even more so, typical father-son banter.

They both heard boxer zoom from the kitchen to the hall as she spotted you, you giggled giving her pets “Good morning boxer and good morning to you guys too” you greeted diverting your attention to them.

“Good morning (Y/N) did you sleep well?” Luciano asked, taking some plates out from the cabinets to place on the table “Take a seat, food’s almost done” Luka piped in, placing the omelette and sausages on separate plates.

“Um yeah, I did, thank you” you smiled “Um..is there anything I can help you guys with?”

“You can just take a seat, I just finished cooking” he beamed, placing both plates down in between the three clean plates on the table.

The three of you continue to eat and chat about what plans they have for today, Luciano reminded both of you to go hit the shops later on and mentioned that he's going to make calls in search for your relatives and inform them about what had happened as well as letting the school know about your current situation.

After breakfast, you told him the name of your school before he headed out to the station, you then helped Luka cleaning up. “I’ll try find some clothes that may fit you...hopefully” handing you a plate for you to wipe dry as you nodded in response.

He rummaged through his closet on the hunt for clothes that's decent enough for you to wear, while you were in the bathroom rebandaging. You winced, slowly unwrapping the cuts that weren’t stitched up, you look at yourself in the mirror realising that your injuries could have been way worse if your mother didn't protect you from the impact. You let out a shaky sigh and focused on the stinging sensation all over your body.

“(Y/N)? I found some of my old clothes this probably will fit you better” Luka knocked on the door. You cleared your throat before slightly opening the door, you were standing behind it as you peek your head out and reach an arm out and thanked him.

He spotted the fresh stitches and cuts on your arm, with eyes wide he gently grabbed your wrist without thinking.

“U-um...Luka?...”

“Oh..I’m sorry, I don’t know what's gotten into me” He lets you go, smiling awkwardly with a tinge of pink on his cheeks. You told him it was fine before he walked away. He was sitting on the bench by the porch with a guitar in hand as he lazily strum, thousands of scenarios running through his head as his curiosity peaks, he snap out of his thoughts as he heard the door open and both of you went off to town.

The day continued with both of you buying necessities and few clothes for you since you didn’t know how long you’re going to be staying with them. You got to know a bit more about Luka throughout your little outing. You learned that he’s in his last year in collége and that he just turned 15 last month which makes him a year older than you.

“So when’s your birthday then?” both of you walking leisurely and taking in the scenery at Seine River.

“November 22nd” You took a sip from the hot chocolate he bought you.

He blinked and stared at you for a bit as you noticed he stopped walking beside you “Wait- isn’t that next week?” He questioned.

“Oh….is it? I don’t even know the days anymore” You turned to his direction and smiled meekly at him. He let out a chuckle as he gave you a pat on the head, you couldn’t help but giggle in return before both of you continued walking side by side again.  

As you near the house, you both noticed a police car parked in front of the house together with Luciano’s car, which made you both looked at each other wondering if something had happened. You were greeted by boxer, zooming to both of you before zooming everywhere in the house.

“Welcome home both of you” Luciano greeted with a smile, you noticed an unfamiliar face sitting beside him which both of you greeted politely. Luka offered to take the shopping bags in your room, just like he already what was about to happen and gave them privacy.

Luciano gestured for you to come sit with them to discuss the information they found. After another introduction to his colleague they went ahead telling you about your distant relative that reached out to them after finding out what had happened through the family of your father's co-worker that was with you that day of the accident.

“She’s currently living in Japan, and there’s still some things to be discussed and we're still unsure when she's going to visit you here so for the meantime you're going to be stuck with Luka and I” He let out laugh trying to lift the mood.

Once they finished letting you know about the funeral arrangements and headed back to the station, you decided to laze around the backyard where the beagle is. As soon as you opened the back door you saw Luka, and just like the yesterday when you first saw him. Guitar in hand, eyes closed and strumming melodies, probably lost in his own world, you thought.

You sat down on grassy part of the yard and listened to him playing. It was sad, you thought to yourself once more, it’s as if he can read the emotions in your heart. You didn’t know how long you stayed like that with him as you let the tune resonate with you.

You continued to  listen with your eyes closed, you let out a sigh as the light breeze caress your face, not noticing a pair of ocean blue eyes peering at you.