#terrible day at work that wasnt even that bad i just didnt want to be there and it lasted forever snd ever

[phagodyke]

yeurgh

[nyx-is-missing]

Graceland too

Clarisse la rue x fem!reader (Athena's kid)

Sumarry: When a certain daughter of Athena felt unappreciated her whole life, someone was there to see her.

Warnings: Sad girl hours, shitty parenthood, hurt/comfort because im no monster and probably other things wich i forgot.

a/n: look who is back!

Demigod.

Half blood.

Half a goddess.

Half a human (?).

And yet, fully a disappointment.

When Athena sent me to my Dad's house, in a golden crib, dressed in pure white dress, glowing, how the myths would expect a demigod to be, then, and only right then i was a gift.

A piece o divine love, something to prove to him, till the end of his life, that at some point, he was good enough for a Goddess.

But days after, immediately, i was just a crying baby, hungry, with a busy father, without a mother, and that only made him remember that, that was it.

He wasnt good enough for her, she wasnt staying, she never even actually even considered, he would never have that kind of honour, only a crying baby he never expected.

I wasnt a gift anymore, it actually felt like i was a insult, everything about me started to enrage him.

And oh, how did he reminded me of that every single day of my existence.

When i got diagnosed with dyslexia all i've heard whas that Athena gave me up to him because i was defective, when i couldnt sit still during classes, and exploded with all the repression i suffered everyday, suddently i was a clock bomb, when my grades where great, i was never rewarded, it was "the least i could do, to make up for the shame that i was".

I was never loved, never wanted, never encouraged, at least not by him.

The very little love i've known in my life, i own to the people who felt pitty of me.

The teachers, the neighbours who have heard the insults, the stray animals who could sense sadness, the very old grandparents who never actually saw me more than twice a year, and the people who worked at a nerby library, who let me stay past closing time, leaving only with the cleaners.

I was 12 when he had enough and sent me to camp, literally the very day school was over.

I came home to my clothes packed and him waiting by the car keys.

Being in camp for the first time, was also the very first time in my life i have ever felt....normal.

Not good, not bad, not great, not terrible, i was one, and that was enough.

I spend that summer being quiet, i sat in the corner, i didnt spoke, i didnt interrupted, i didnt had any ideas, i wasnt good enough to do that, thats what i've been told my whole life, thats my true.

It took a whole new summer for Athena to claim me.

I have always wondered if she was fighting with herself, if she had any problems having to admit that she made a mistake, with me, or with him.

It didn't matter, for the first time i had brothers and sisters, who wanted me, who understood when i wasnt the best, who asked for my graded tests, to put up in the wall.

They understood when i was hard to crack, when i insisted in being quiet, when i wouldnt share my ideas, they understood it all.

I didn't.

Each and every new summer i spent there, all i could ask myself was:

Why could i not be great like all of them?

Why im still afraid?

Why i was still useless?

Im now sixteen and the same questions still were unanswered.

And today i felt worse than ever.

It was my birthday, and i havent got a single letter from him, nothing, nothing.

It felt like he was saying i wasnt worth anything again.

Earlier, i tried to pretend nothing was happening, smiling with my siblings, finally making plans for capture the flag, finally belonging like i promissed i would try to do that year.

My plan was used, it wasnt perfect, but it was used, and surprising myself and the other team, we won.

I could see the other team confused, and Clarisse cussing us to death.

Still i was so happy, for the first time in my life i showed myself, and i worked....partially.

The happiness of victory didnt last much in me, because i saw a new brother of mine almost bursting to tears, he was young and just got claimed a few days ago, he wasnt used to that, and he wasnt supose to get hurt, but the red that painted his arms said otherwise.

I couldnt stare at him without feeling like i failed again.

Why couldnt i be perfect for once?

I took him to infirmary and held his hand while he was getting his stiches, saying sorry all the time.

I tried thinking it was okay, people get hurt, move on.

I had diner, i took a bath, i tried to sleep, i couldnt.

The tears were falling down and i knew i wouldn't be quiet.

So i got up and walked to the cabin's porch, sitting on the last step and letting my head fall to my knees.

Why couldnt i be great?

Why couldnt i be in peace with myself?

Why couldnt my mom bless me?

Why couldnt my dad love me?

Why did he had to be so mean?

I was a kid for fucks sake.

"Are you okay?" I heard someone saying, that made me freeze, that voice was not from any of my sisters, was i crying so hard i woke up someone from other cabin?

"I- yes, sorry i didn't knew i was crying so hard to wake people from other cabins, im sorry"

"You didn't, i was sneaking out to train some more, and saw you, our cabins face each other"

That was...Clarisse?

I wiped my tears and look up, she was staring at me with a almost worried look

"Clarisse?"

"Yes, why are you crying?"

She sat down by my side, dropping a sword in the grass.

"Its nothing really, im fine, you dont need to bothe-"

"No, cut the crap" she stopped me mid sentence "no one ever weeps in the middle of the night out of happiness, you are not fine and im not letting you lie OR leave until you tell me what it is"

We stare at each other, and ill need to thank the night light being bad because i probably look like crap right now, im sure my eyes are red, my nose too, im probably with a very swollen face and id bet all the dracmas i own that my hair its no better than a nest of birds.

"Go on...tell me"

I layed myself in the stairs, looking at the sky, trying to think of a way to tell everything, without sounding crazy

"I dont deserve to be here, Clarisse."

"Here..where?"

"This cabin, i dont deserve to be called daughter of the goddess of wisdom, i dont deserve being here with them, my siblings they are great, more than good, great, they will do great things with themselfs, amazing writers, architects, brilliant musicians, historians, why am i here? Im not even good, why im with the great?"

"Wait wait wait" she made me sit down again and look at her "not even good? What are you talking about? Wasnt the strategy in the last capture the flag yours? Yall won, and if somebody asks me later i've never said this but that was good, some really good strategy, i was almost thinking of asking chiron to switch you teams, you were great, more than that, and now you're here telling me you are not egen good? Are you on drugs?"

"Clarisse you dont need to pretend you care that much, and my plan wasnt all that, my brother got hurt, that wasnt supose to happen, i failed him, if i was good enough he wouldnt even be there"

She had a very confused look on her face, like she really did not knew what i was talking about.

"You're not talking about the little boy you took to the infirmary and that small cut in his forearm are you? Cause that boy was far from almost dying like you are making it sound like-" she looked at my eyes, i didnt needed a mirror to have sure how i was, i've seen myself like that too much to count, everytime my dad said i wasnt good enough, sad, lifeless.

"I failed again Clarisse, im not good enough to be here, im useless, worthless"

She looked at me and did the last thing i tought she would, Clarisse hugged me.

"Dont say that, c'mon, worthless? I've seen you fight, i've seen your plans, you dont talk much but i've heard your ideas, you are far from being useless or worthless, who the fuck told you that?"

"My f- you heard me?" I looked at her, only to see a look i couldnt distinguish "what do you mean?"

She looked at her own feet, then at her sword, reflecting the moonlight.

"You really dont know?" She looks at me "i- well, i've heard you, the same way i see you everyday, thats how i know you like morning walks, sweet green grapes, baked goods...how i know you are probably the only child of Athena who has never read "the art of war", that you walk without looking at peoples faces....its weird, i've seen you so much throughout this years and it feels like this is the first time you are actually seeing me"

"But i've saw you before-"

"Thats not what i was saying, you looked at me many times, but did you ever saw me until today?"

I looked at her blinking, and after a moment of silent i said "you like dark chocolate, and lemon flavoured soda, and sneaking out to train when the harpies take their breaks, by the way you missed that, and you always ask for double the quantity of food you eat, so when you burn it you still can eat enough, by the way i stole that idea-"

She is smilling, big, really big, i think i am too.

Of course i saw Clarisse, who wouldnt, she was strong, brave, beautiful, to me was a wonder she didnt had people running to get her attention.

She got closer to me "does that mean i can-" i stopped her mid sentence again

"Maybe..."

"Im going to make you forget that "im not good enough" nonsense, belive me"

She is smilling while kissing me, and i am too.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am i the asshole for not telling a girl why i broke up with her?

i (23f) went out with a girl we'll call sophie (25f). we went on a few dates, i didnt feel an instant connection but she was cute and sweet so i was willing to see where it goes. after a few dates, she asked me back to her apartment, i agreed and we had sex then fell asleep

after she fell asleep, i found out that she snores LOUDLY. i am a very light sleeper, so her snoring meant that i was basically up all night. i took this as a sign that things weren't going to work out between us, since i already wasn't feeling much of a connection and if we continued dating i would never sleep at night.

after she woke up, i didnt say anything about it and just acted normal, then we both left to go to work. the next day when she asked to hang out again, i told her that she was great but i didnt really feel a connection, and i would love to be her friend but im not interested in being romantically/sexually involved anymore. i didnt tell her that it was because of her snoring since i know thats something she can't change about herself, and it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for me if i had been more interested in her. she responded politely and said that she understood, and i thought everything was fine

unfortunately i did not consider the timing of the conversation and didnt think about how it would look. later that day, i heard from a friend who was friends with her (the wlw community in my city is small, we all know each other) that sophie told her that i had "led her on for sex then said that i just wanted to be friends" because from her perspective, i had sex with her then broke up with her the next day. i felt AWFUL because i hadn't told her that the snoring was the problem because i didnt want to make her feel bad, but it looked even worse since i omitted it. and now i cant tell her the truth because saying "actually, it wasn't the sex, it was the snoring" will just make it worse.

i keep going over the situation in my head, and i feel terrible but i'm not sure what i would've done differently. i didn't mean to lead her on because i really did like her, and once i realized that it wasnt going to work out i broke things off. aita?

additional info: i feel like its important to mention that we were never that serious or exclusive. like i said, we had only been on a few dates. she was still on dating apps while we were going out, and i was too. we were both looking for a serious relationship, but we were not serious yet, so i didnt think saying that i just wanted to be friends was that big a deal

[indras-wife]

ahoy! It's the anon who requested the one where the uchiha's s/o saw them in a woman's body :>>

I was just wondering if u were able to make one where the uchiha's and their s/o (seperately) switched bodies, and in order to make it seem like nothings wrong they try and continue with their day, but the uchiha has to go on a mission that they cannot avoid, so in their place s/o has to go. I feel like that'd be a very interesting situation.

If not then it's alll goood ^v^ I love your writing btw and keep up the great work!!!

Hello Hellooooo💖💖💖 I truly missed seeing these beautiful requests🥲🥹Thank you also for the kind words and your support!It means so so much for me truly💖💝💖

Thank you for this wonderful idea btw! I can already imagine the shock some of them will experience hehe. I included only Indra, Madara and Izuna, but feel free to request others too! I am still under lots of work and some writing block so excuse the short writing🥹💝🙏

Indra

Life could not have truly picked a worse time to fuck with him! Why today did he have to wake up as his s/o instead of his real body? He had a very important assigned mission to take care of, and with the body he is in, he will be unable to do it. In fact, his s/o who is in his body will be unable to do the mission!

He hurried to the Ninshuu compound to find his s/o, but to his shock she was not there. “Oh Indra-sama has left early in the morning. said he had some mission in the borders to take care of? I am sure he will be back soon though!” said one of his students, not knowing he is actually speaking to him.

“Damn it…” he mumbled. He had to go there himself and help his s/o. The mission was after all a dangerous one, which could lead to a full sale war if not negotiated correctly. And his s/o knew nothing about it(according to him at least)

Indra hurriedly ran back to the house to get some necessary medical stuff to carry with him during the journey. It wasnt long form the house, but he had to hurry to make sure his s/o would be safe. He gathered the bag full of supplies and ran out.

Due to his surprised, as he was running up the hill, he saw his s/o, in his body, going down with few students. “Oh this is bad…” he thought. He hurriedly ran to them. “What you doing here s…Indra-sama?” he was very close to calling him by her name in frong of the students, but luckily he didnt. His s/o smiled and gestured for others to keep moving and that he will follow them.

As soon as the students were at safe distance, his s/o hugged him hard. “I did it…! I negotiated with them darling! They will not be planning any attack on us! Instead they even want to form some type of an alliance…? Can you believe I did it!?” she kept saying happily. Idra was surprised by that, not even knowing what to say. He never imagined that his s/o can actually negotiate with an “enemy”. And form an alliance…? Even more surprising. He was planning to intimidate them, scare them off or simply put them under a genjustsu to be done with them, but this outcome was not what he expected especially from his s/o.

When they returned back, the students kept praising him, telling how amazing he was and how smart he was. The ‘enemy” was even left speechless. They kept announcing this to everyone, while Indra himself was standing next to his s/o, not even knowing how to react. That same day, as they changed bodies back, Indra was summoned by his father, who praised his wisdom and different approach that he had shown. Of course this added more shock to him, knowing well how is father never praised him and his choices.

After walking out of his father’s room, Indra instantly decided to go to his s/o’s house. Not only to know ALL the details, but also to reward her.

Madara

He found out about the change on a very terrible time! He had a very important council meeting yet could not find his mind in his body. Once again, he found it in his s/o’s body, trapped on such an important day.

As a sly and intelligent man, he was already planning how to get out from her house and return to his, as well as how to change their bodies back, but little did he know that it would be impossible. His s/o, being a princess of her clan, had more responsibilities than he could imagine. Classes, trainings, etiquette lessons. He hated how long those lasted.

The worst for him was the man who was taking her body sizes. For a kimono obviously. Even if it was an old man, known for his craft all over the village, he still hated that idea of a man touching her body like that. He had to hold himself back from insulting the poor old man. Not to mention her mother was there too so it was out of the questions.

There are not any women that scare Madara, but his future mother in law was a pretty terrifying one. In his opinion of course. He always found himself wondering how can his s/o be so sweet and feminine, while her mother is stoic and heartless? Of course, many other call him like that too but he believes its normal for a man.

Her mother made sure have her daughter’s day full of activities that will help to shape her be the perfect princess. She was making meetings with Madara very difficult to be arranged. Madara partially understood her and her actions, but keeping her away from him forever would not be possible no matter what. He wanted to confront her, to ask why she disliked Madara that much and did not approve of their relationship but he had something more important to do: to escape and go to the compound.

After multiple hours, the classes were over and Madara now had the chance to rest. Of course he instantly took the carriage and went to the compound. His heart was beating fast, his nervousness showing on his s/o’s pretty face. Maybe if he gets there on time, they can find a way to swap bodies back and he can do the council meeting?

When he got there, he was greeted by his s/o who was in his body. They hugged hard and instantly started to discuss their actions. Madara was nervous, desperately finding a way to switch their bodies. “You should take it easy love~ I already concluded the meeting. As well as I took notes to give them to you so you will be updated what we discussed.”

Madara looked at her weirdly. Notes? Concluded the meeting? How come? It was supposed to be the council meeting where the clan elders discuss their future actions. The ones that benefit the clan and the members. What did she say during the meeting…? As his mind was full of questions, his s/o kept chuckling and shaking her head. She found him too cute. The fact he was sin her body was adding more to the cuteness as well!

As they went to the garden, where his s/o showd him the notes, Madara could not help but examine the notes fast. And to his surprised, everything looked…PERFECT. Everything was written beautifully and without any errors. It almost looked like he was the one who wrote it all.”Surprised love~?” his s/o asked. “You wont believe it but all the lessons i took and your lectures as well served me nicely as you can see. I used all the information i could remember to make the notes or the report perfect”

Madara was truly lost for words. He knew his s/o was a smart woman but he did not expect her to be this talented and…brilliant. He would definitely find a way to repay her back but now, there was only one thing in his mind: to switch their bodies back and get that woman to marry him as soon as possible!

Izuna

Izuna usually was not always trusted with important tasks as his older brother. One of the reasons was of course because he is the younger brother and had other tasks to do. Some more relaxing ones. After getting critically wounded in one of the battles, Madara strongly was against of putting his little brother’s life at risk. So he would only give him the easy tasks.

Izuna at first was not very thrilled about this change, as he thought his older brother does not consider him strong. However his attitude slowly changed when he realised how much free time he has and how much he needed it. He was now able to meet with his girlfriend, go places with her and just enjoy her.

Their first body swap was exciting and funny for them both, yet also educational. Izuna thought that they will get the body swap again so he decided to train his girlfriend, in case she needed it. He was gentle and sweet with her, but his s/o wanted him not to hold back. Izuna respecting her word, decided to do as she wanted. They not only trained and improved their combat skills, but also started to discuss clan issues, war strategies and many other things.

Despite not fighting, Izuna was a perfect war tactician and was helping his clan come up with the right strategy. He was going to attend the weekly meeting, but his plans changed when he discovered him in his s/o’s body that morning. He would usually stay calm, knowing his s/o can deal with it, but this time he was little panicking. After all, they were preparing for a large scale war and their strategy needed to be perfect.

He quickly dressed up, taking into account what his s/o loves to wear, and ran out. Unfortunately he was also late from the meeting as he overslept but he was sure he can still make it. As he entered, he saw how the men were gathered around him, carefully listening how he speaks and plans the startegy for the war. He was in his s/o’s body, but since other knew of their relationship and how close they are, they did allow his s/o to enter.

Izuna wanted to interrupt and suggest some changes, but he didn’t. When he heard what his s/o’s plan was, his eye lit up, his chest filling up with pride and joy. He was feeling like a proud parent who is seeing their child exceed others for the first time. The way his s/o was speaking so confidently, so full of aura that he himself forgot about their bodies being swapped. He had hearts in his eyes and his chest felt like it was going to be ripped apart by his pounding heart.

His excitement and pride lasted for days and even weeks! After the meeting he took her to the garden, loudly stating how amazing she was and how hot she sounded! He could care less that others didnt know their bodies were swapped! He wanted to shout for the whole world to hear how amazing she was and how proud he was of her. His excitement tripled when they returned back with perfect victory, following the plan she made for the clan. Of course, he was going to reward her for being so smart and amazing, but he was going to do it in his own way.

[blackgumball]

okay weird pull but you know how people say that taylor swift is so popular because her work is so bland. she’s uninterested in making any sort of statement or breaking any sort of mould, so her work is so palatable and widely relatable that it becomes so popular among so many people? (real quick psa im a tswift hater so i dont listen to her music, this is a recycled opinion from a more educated hater than me)

i am beginning to feel a similar way about bridgerton. its premise relies on the idea of a diverse regency england, but it becomes clearer and clearer to me every day that the show is meant for white people. all the bridgertons are white, so every love story will either be swirl or just a white relationship (shoutout to polin ig). not saying that poc dont enjoy the show (we obviously do) but there’s this vocal white audience that keeps harassing actors of colour whenever a decision is made that they dont like. or that strays from the books (which is soooo insane literally the moment they cast rege jean page your dumb cracker asses shouldve realised that the show wasnt gonna care about being book accurate ESPECIALLY since julia quinn basically said out loud that every character in her books would be racist.)

and the show Clearly isn’t interested in pushing any boundaries. look at fucking cressida cowper. given, i have no idea whether her character is going to return to the show, but the way they handled her was so muddled and fucked up that i wondered why they even bothered? they bring her in, humanise her, and then cart her off with this terrible fate. why? if anything, it made eloise and colin far less likeable (eloise, because it seemed like she didnt care about the fate of the only person who treated her with respect after she was “ruined”, and colin, because it made him seem shortsighted, naïve, self centred, and pitifully stupid). i complain because i think eloise is right. the women in this period were stifled. they were not able to study as extensively as their brothers, not able to travel by themselves, kept from sex education into their adulthood, and married off to random men (sometimes against their will, as it was for danbury, charlotte, almost cressida, and arguably daphne). you set such a sexual show in a deeply unsexy time. there’s romance in cressida escaping, being cunning and able to run. it also would’ve made the show more DRAMATIC. it straight up doesnt make sense for cressida to learn whistledown’s identity and not go immediately to the queen. why not have her escape, and let the bridgertons deal with the consequences? i don’t know. they seemed to take the stupid way out.

and then there’s the lower classes, who we rarely see outside of the women bridgerton men fuck with no/low commitment, paperboys, and printers. i’ve said before how i think it’s hideous that the lives of these women aren’t explored outside of their role as sex objects. season one at least explored the tension between anthony and sienna, who he loved but couldn’t commit to (im very glad she got out of there. im glad she respected herself enough to cut ties w him). also in season one, we see how the servants of the bridgerton house played a role in saving daphne from marrying that gross dude, but it feels like that role has vanished from subsequent seasons. maybe they know that seeing how none of the lords and ladies and other rich pricks of mayfair can’t fend for themselves is a turn off for the modern person (remember when anthony and daphne couldn’t use a stove in s1? i got the ick bad). but by ignoring this massive demographic, the show proves its disinterest in exploring the pitfalls and prejudices of the society it is set in.

its a show where women who want to escape their circumstances are villainised for their attempts and where the lives of the poor are either ignored or used to threaten the privileged. you occasionally have a sienna or a theo, but through knowing them, we are never left with the sense that society should change. they may try that next season. i know benedict is supposed to fall in love with A Poor.

i want the show to be good. i want the show to be interesting. i want all the fans who think that it can’t be good unless it’s explicitly relatable to straight white women to get over themselves (or at least go back to tswift and tsitp). i want to watch the show and not feel as though all the female characters are trapped. i want to LIKE ELOISE. some things i dislike about the show are impossible to change, but i guess i just have to hope it can be better. actually start pushing against the constraints of the genre, why not? you’re already one of the most popular shows on TV, you can risk making good television.

[dreamersville]

hi my dear, can i request sanemi (and other hashiras, if you want) helping the f!reader with her curly hair?!

a cute moment for my soul🫶🏽

im so glad you put this idea in my head because whattttttttt HELLOOOOOOOO. anyways i got slighty carried away... *smile* but here you go my love <3. i also didnt include any others .. my bad, but yea hope you enjoy and so sorry this took so long, i didnt even see it till just now... SORRYYYYYYYYYYY 🫂🫂🫂🫂 thank you requesting my girll💜💜💜!!!!! request are open

pairing? sanemi x black!fem!reader

tw. i just be curing and what not my bad

Sanemi is OBSESSED with your hair, it was the first thing he noticed about your fr. so ofc when yall got together he wanted to know everything, what products you use to keep your hair so bouncy? How does it smell so good? How is it so soft? Will you marry him? Boyyyyyyy. Anyways he didn't want to overwhelm you with these questions so he didn't say anything but after he witness firsthand how much time and effort that you put into washday and how tired you were cleaning up all your brushes and combs and all the hair that shedding during the detangling process. He couldn't stand to see how worn out you were after so he asked to help. Now every Wednesday (unless he is on a mission then he tells you to wait..) it's wash day. And he helps you with washing your hair, he takes the showerhead from you to make sure all parts of your hair is drenched especially if you have low porosity hair. He always makes sure to get a nice lather on your hair by getting shampoo in real nice. Scalp massagesssss>>>>>>>>. At first he was fucking terrible at detangle, ripping thru your fucking hair like it some grass or sum, but you nip that shit i the bud so quick cayse unt unt hunny what the fuck was that. He was pouting outside the door when you put him out and did the detangling process by yourself. He got better, not the best but he was trying. He be trying to do his lil thing with the blow dryer but they dont work out like you thought they would, (like negro aint you a WIND hashira.. righttt). He has a whole pinterest playlist on hairstyles for you to try but he is not about to tell you to your face, so he gotta be slick about suggesting hairstyles. Will walk around with his hand holding your ponytail cause you finally got it to the point where its not lopsided, but your last scrunchie popped and you had nomo around so ofc you called your man like duh. You forced him to watch videos about how to do twists and braids so that he could help you out. Putting that man to work as you should, but he is in love so it don’t even matterr. Like he loves helping you with your curls, it's a different type of intimacy that he didn't get to experience in his youth so ofc he is going to cherishh this time that he gets with you. OMGGGGG IMAGINE HOW HE IS WITH YALL KIDSSSSSS YALLLLLLLLLL, OMGGGGG imagine having the iconicccc container full of barrettes, ribbons, bows, headband etc. Mans is going all outttt on yall lil girl hair making sure she always wins the best hair category fytbb. Now he might have knocked bbygirl in the head with a few balls on accident but he always made it up with kisses and ice cream. Always make sure to brush and comb your daughter's hair when she isn't gonna be tender headed by her mammy. He would have him on his lap showing her pictures of the styles he was going to do just going on and on and on and onnnn like okay we get it you happy wrap it up na. His son has more of his hair texture but slightly more curly and a tadddd bit thicker than his and he aint know wtf to do. He took his ass right back to youtube and figured it out cause he wasnt about to let his son walk around looking any kinda way. He always makes sure his hair is moisturized but not overly so, making sure the ends do not split yawp yawpp. Need a him in my life fr. yall he was sooo sad when his son go his first haircut. He such a sap yall i canttt. OMGGGGGG yall have matching bonnets/durags and its just so cuteee yall. Omg im making myself want kids …

[andromerot]

my pedro almodóvar marathon. thoughts, feelings, tier list

or, i spent like 50 hours on this so i better get to post about it

well, i'd be lying if i said i set out to do this with any clear goals in mind. i sort of just wanted to watch movies. this year i set out to watch through a couple of directors entire works, but ran into complications or got bored. so anyway when i finished my term i decided id try a third time with my best friend pedro. i had watched five of his films already but was mostly unaware of other things he had made. on the 22nd of november i started with matador, then went on and in exactly a month i had watched all of his feature films yayyy

so this is how i ranked them on letterboxd and this is a tier list. this doesnt really sum up my thoughts though so im leaving a little review for each below the cut, in the order i watched them in this month hope someone cares :) thank you

matador (1986): ohhhhhh my god. absolutely unexpected how insane this movie made me. many people say its not very good, i dont think that's true. transgressive, erotic, camp, necrosexual, implicit faggot tension, beautiful costuming, insanely talented cast of so many characters sick in the head. watching this one first really hyped me up to keep at it and to close out the month i rewatched it the other day and though it was less surprising than the first time i watched it its maybe my favorite now :) it has structural flaws i suppose. but i love it

¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto? (1984): pretty funny! not bad at all, i remember enjoying it as i watched it, it just wasnt very memorable. i enjoy every performance by carmen maura, chus was stellar as always and forqué was really sweet in this one too, i liked it. i literally forgot half of the plot though. did anyone remember the telepathic child or the faked hitler diaries? i didnt until i looked it up.

la ley del deseo (1987) (rewatched): showed this one to my friend, god its iconic. some of my favorite chiques almodovar. so fun to watch and so silly even though its not quite a comedy. the fact that antonio is just called antonio in this one makes me unwarrantedly happy. MAURA THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!! very hot all around. i think i liked it better this time than the other two i had watched it.

pepi, luci, bom y otras chicas del montón (1980): everyone talks about how sexually transgressive 80s almodovar is and i was like yeah whatever until i watched this one. straight up trilogy of trash shit. so beautiful. i wish every movie was like this. no one likes it but i adored it. erecciones generales will stay in my mind forever and i loved the musical numbers. and the piss, of course.

entre tinieblas (1983): also somewhat forgettable, though i watched it while pretty worried about something else so maybe i didnt give it the attention it deserved. its not a bad time but i wouldn't rewatch it. based on the premise you think it'd be better.

la flor de mi secreto (1995) (rewatched): OH GOD. until last month my favorite almodóvar, its been outdone but it still destroys me. its terribly underrated. i dont even know what i can say about it... marisa paredes is stunning at doing desperation. the boots, the scene at the protest, the initial meeting with ángel, the poem in the car, that moment in the hall. it's beautiful and breathtaking. lesbian film history, i promise.

todo sobre mi madre (1999): like, its good, but i dont get what people see in it that makes it so acclaimed. again paredes is great in this, but penélope is somewhat tame compared to what she does later, and this is the point in the list where i have to admit cecilia roth is not very good to me and all my compatriots start throwing rocks at me. listen i just wish she'd stop doing that stupid accent its so fucking bad cecilia sincerate seguro sos de villa crespo. anyway its fine if a bit weird about trans women, but hes always a hit or miss w that

átame (1989): took a big break between the last one and this one for some reason. anyway, pretty funny, except it really drags in the middle. shouldnt have been that long, but victoria abril always slays and the last scene is wonderful.

tacones lejanos (1991): WOAHHHHH! really cool i liked it. i love a mother daughter thing especially this mother and this daughter. really fun doppelganger story and i love how it was told, i found it both melodramatic and subtle? miguel bosé makes a really pretty girl, this will inform my every subsequent rewatch of suspiria. big fan of his gender. dance number fucked obvs

kika (1993) (rewatch): ok, i know why people don't like this one, but its so silly... cmon. it sillay. once again incredible abril performance, the costuming my god.... her character makes the whole movie i wish i was her. lesbian rossy de palma was wonderful and every forqué performance is a delight. pedro getting hitchcockian with it to slightly trick the audience is a staple of his 90s filmography, fucks.

carne trémula (1997): the title made me think it would be better! there was barely any carne. i didn't really see the point of most of it tbh, though based on how the movie starts and ends there might be some spanish historical context that im missing that makes it more interesting. strangely reminiscing of the buenos aires affair to me, but puig is better. yeah it was just pretty boring.

laberinto de pasiones (1982): YAYYYYYY i had some trouble torrenting so i watched it really out of order this but its SO FUN. obviously in the same vein as pepi luci bom but i liked it slightly more just for how unnecessarily elaborate it was. the one major role i dont mind roth being in and im a big fan of antonios gay terrorist with an ultradeveloped sense of smell character and arias is really into his very silly character too – he works well in secreto as well, i wish hed been on more almodovares, i should finally watch camila. liné was hilarious too. the problematic incest storyline was really funny to me sorryyyyy and i got a lot of gender out of the musical performances. hey can you believe that beautiful fag covered in blood is a franquista now. i can

hable con ella (2002): ehhhhhhh. some people really hate this one for the couple scenes i found most interesting, others love it for reasons i cant parse. its got parts that caught my attention a lot, but mostly it was eerie in an unenjoyable and uninteresting way and the backstories dragged on too long, especially grandinetti's. like i just don't care sorry. THE scene is quite disturbing though. i appreciated he decided to show rape in a more subtle light for once, it made it a lot more cruel and a lot more interesting.

la mala educación (2004) (rewatch): sighhhh. i really wish i liked this one. its got so many elements i am into – the colours are obviously spectacular, the unreliable multiple narrations and the disassembled timelines are always enjoyable to me, the attempt at social commentary is appreciated, some scenes are stunning (fictional ignacios head split in half is unforgettable) but quite honestly the characterization is so bad it bores me. i liked it more the first time i watched it just because of how confused i was, once i wasnt it lost its magic. maybe the worst in what is considered the "somewhat autobiographical movies about directors" trilogy (i think there's four of them but we'll discuss that later) probably because the character of enrique is so bland. i know its more but it feels that you only spend like five minutes with him. ángel/juan's motivations for anything are so puzzling, ignacio is just a caricature at this point and probably the character with the most depth is berenguer, which is ironic, i guess

volver (2006): WAHHH. its hard to talk about it honestly. it was so unexpectedly beautiful. the acting is so on point – penélope cruz and that beautiful carmen maura comeback are self evident, but blanca portillo is also stellar. it was fascinating from minute one and i couldnt keep my eyes off it. its written with such care and love. i suppose the plot itself is nothing out of this world, but the way it is handled is explosive. i really adored it.

los abrazos rotos (2009): the fourth bastard on the self insert series! cmon, its way more about himself than la mala educación. anyway, its good at some points, not very in others. the strong point is obviously the relationship between mateo, judit and diego, their refusal to be tied as a family and their desire to be tied by love is reaaaally interesting. the scene at the sea... but penélope and her millionaire and her millionaires son do nothing interesting at any point, im afraid to say. sad! surprisingly not very memorable, even though i didnt dislike it as i watched it. like i remember i liked some things but if a couple weeks later i dont remember what they were its probably the movies fault

la piel que habito (2011): AUGHHH OK. fuck. THIS ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD. it wasnt it was really mid. when it started i was like oh is pedro trying out his hand at cronenberg and i was really excited because im SURE he can do cronenberg better than cronenberg but he didnt. it was worse. how are you giving your women less agency than that guy??? honestly probably the first ever film of his where this is a noticeable problem, though penélope in the last one should give us a hint. ughh it should have been good. im mad about that. no desire to question gender or power and the unchronological storytelling does nothing for me. BAD! if anything i recognized its sexual power for if banderas character was a woman i would be throwing up and convulsing on the floor. i hope vicente and his lesbian coworker had a beautiful romance i guess. i cant believe some people call this one one of the most controversial of his work....

los amantes pasajeros (2013): hm well everyone was like THIS is the bad one and i was like i bet you guys are just being mean but no yeah this is the bad one. its not funny and it drags on so long...i can usually defend the rape scenes in his movies, even in kika or hable con ella, but this one just sucks so bad. i was prepared to defend this movie but i cant. as soon as the movie started i was trying to guess where all the threads would connect, how all the characters would be linked and they mostly... weren't? also the reference to the gazpacho scene in mujeres made me groan out loud.

julieta (2016): well i dont really know what this was supposed to be....it feels on the surface it could have been really good but something about it felt so emotionless. it was an odd experience, watching it, because i expected to be moved by so many scenes and i never was. i dont know what the point of it was.

dolor y gloria (2019): ok yeah this one was sweet! didn't blow my mind or anything but it was very cleverly made...a really more beautiful way to do the childhood-as-movie thing than in mala educación, i really enjoyed it. nostalgia bores me sometimes but i feel hes not being annoying about it. long live old man yaoi (and finally an argentinian actor i DONT hate...) and that beautiful beautiful cave and that mind gripping apartment bringing in the characteristic insane set design but in a new way...i had a good time

madres paralelas (2021): oh this could have been so good! it wasnt but honestly i dont remember exactly why i disliked it. i suppose i didnt connect to the characters and that it is a story that requires that to engage you – their motivations were really out of place and unlike other movies that bothered me. really interesting premise, didnt work out. im sad about it. could have been cool.

yeah so that's it i only realized while writing this that i forgot to rewatch mujeres but obvs that ones very good, proper classic, quote it every time i eat gazpacho and such. also extraña forma de vida is a snore i refuse to watch it again. i hope this works as a rec list for someone. and i am ready to be stoned by my wrong opinions by the rest of you

[pumpkinsy0]

Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!

Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??

I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.

SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.

hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem

BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!

w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)

•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him

•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???

•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed

•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off

•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse

•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him

•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad

•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty

•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really

•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually

[trekkele]

You mentioned in one of your tags that you'd like to write a fic where the batkids find out Alfred wasn't so awesome a parent to Bruce and I wanted to ask if you'd like to share some ideas and directions where you could imagine it going?

Would it change the way the kids think and act around Alfred? Or Bruce? And what are some Major Mistakes Alfred made that in retrospect make a lot of sense regarding Bruce's parenting? And what sent the boulder of realisation going in the first place?

I know it sounds like I'm asking for spoilers or the actual, complete plotline which you probably haven't thought out yet, but I'm just curious about various versions of situations and realisations you think could happen. Or things that you'd like to work into your fic but it just wouldn't fit.

Basically, I love your writing and I love this kind of DramaTM within the Batfam and I'd cherish any crumb of information you would like to share.

Thank you and have a wonderful day! <3

Ok so this premise does rely on good dad Bruce, not because shitty parents cant come from shitty parents (they do, usually) but because i think seeing Bruce not do the things Alfred does would be how the kids (specifically Dick) realize what kind of parent Alfred is.

And this is really a reaction to the “Alfred is a saint for putting up with Bruce” fandom attitude because if you, as a parent or a guardian, are incapable of parenting a kid, no matter how difficult that kid is, it is your responsibility to either find a way to become what your kid needs or find someone who can. I know a lot of us had shitty parents but a traumatized nine year old shouldnt be “put up with” or “handled” they should be parented. At the very least they should be loved, and they should know they are loved. (Gets off parenting soapbox, climbs onto fandom soapbox)

Also every time i think about this fic i start thinking “maybe Alfred deserves some more grace” because he was put in a pretty impossible situation immediately after losing two people he deeply respected, if not loved, and lets be reasonable the 80-90s were uh, not an ideal time for difficult parenting, and the therapy available for children back then would have probably made things worse if not outright given Bruce ptsd (if he didnt already have that), so theres that. On the other hand, Alfred is also fairly consistently shown as being deeply unkind about idiosyncrasies, and unwilling to admit when he’s wrong.

And theres only so many times you can call your adult child an idiot, and imply that you believe every one of their choices to be invalid or wrong, before it turns out that you are Part of The Problem, or at the very least, A Bitch.

Anyways.

The thing is, i dont think it would change much. I think they might stop taking Alfreds word as gospel, especially in regards to Bruce, and i think they might be more forgiving towards Bruce when he messes up in the long term, but the truth is that whats it going to change? How do you apologize to someone for that? What are you apologizing for?

Because ultimately i dont think Bruce is ready to admit that Alfred is, or was, wrong. Bruce knows he was a bad kid, a difficult kid. His teachers and his family and the newspapers, and even Alfred, have admitted that Bruce was a hard kid to raise. Probably harder to love. He’s never surprised when people leave him, after all.

He does know his own kids don’t deserve that style of parenting though. But thats because they’re better than him. He has to do better because they deserve better, because he chose to be there for them. Alfred never really got that choice, did he? Bruce’s parents trusted Alfred, and Alfred stayed out of his respect for them. Not the bratty kid who cried for a year and refused to speak and would hide under the bed instead of sleep.

And thats another thing - if Bruce admits that Alfred wasnt a good parent, if he admits that Alfred made some terrible mistakes, does that mean he’s betraying the trust his parents placed in him? Is he casting blame onto two people he can only idolize, because to do otherwise is to admit he doesn’t remember much of them anymore?

As for how the kids find out, i think Dick realized in his own. I think Jason realizes because Dick stops him from walking in and interrupting a conversation between the two and before he can ask whats going on he hears Alfred slap Bruce. Im not sure about the rest.

*i started answering this, got distracted, finished writing it in my head, and then forgot i never answered it in reality. But i think thats most of what i wanted to say.

[everydaydg]

43. Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor (DS, 2009)

Devil Survivor is amazing.

I will admit that I was pretty darn scheptical at first with the main artist being Suzuhito Yasuda and it being a tactical rpg

Something about the cybersleuth artist working on it seemed off to me, it made me expect alot of anime tropes.

I am not speaking badly of Yasuda mind you.

The man is a great artist and his works are great! (Love most of the designs here and his work on cybersleuth is lovely!)

Its just that my brain just associates him with cybersleuth and that game goes for a wayyy different tone.

I am also incredibly bad at tactical rpgs which didnt help

I dont play them often due to me being an absolute pussy and I dont want my favorite units dying forever.

Considering that, It was a bit of a shock hearing that this was one of the best entries in the entire series.

I heard it from multiple people which had me curious.

And at the start of last month, I decided to give it a go and my god im I glad I did. (well its not last month by the time im posting this, this review got left cooking too long)

SMT:DeSu (Can't call it DS, theres like 3 games that start with DS) is one of most deceiptfully amazing entries in the series.

Alot of things that should be bad are done so well that it goes back arround to being amazing

Alot of things are limited and simple (like the exploration) but in a good way. The game focuses on the best aspects of its simple gameplay loop.

Yeah thats the word to describe this game. Focused.

but I will elaborate on that later when talking about the usual gameplay. Lets start with the characters.

Okay, I thought I was walking into another landmine like Persona 4 but my god im so glad that wasnt the case

(might as well rip the bandaid in case I mention P4 again- I dont like Persona 4, it shows alot of potencial on the gameplay dept. with the "one more" system, the randomly generated dungeons and the calendar system. so much so that I am exited to play P3FES later this december but the writting and characters in 4 really... REALLY sucked dick. it was terrible.)

A huge chunk of the characters are fantastic and present such unique perspective of the usual law, chaos neutral allignments.

For Example:

Atsuro!

Atsuro is a loveable dork, every scene he is in is a joy, he is a really likeable character that has alot of chemistry with the rest of the cast

and he presents one of favorite representations of chaos in the entire series. A middle point between chaos and neutral, a world where demons are used for the benefit of humanity.

Yuzu, is a character that I was expecting to hate but she grew on me as the game went on! She is lovely! While yes her ending is kinda just... leaving but its an interesting take on neutral, refusing the influence of demons and the messages of angels to escape and live for another day even if it is cowardly and is ultimately forsaking humanity.

Keisuke is a character im not too much of a fan of after him being a fucking idiot with Yama but I like the overly extreme aproach to law and judgement he shows.

DeSu strays away from extremes like SMT4 to provide the upsides and downsides of every allignment, the beautiful middle points. This is one of the only games where all allignments are equal and that is an insane achievement.

On the topic of characters and allignements

Alot of characters go so damm well together and present such interesting scenarios like Keisuke and Kaido.

Polar oposites clashing, one seeking extreme judgement and the other seeking true power and nothing else.

I absolutely love it man. Gin, Haru, Shoji, Amane... NAOYA... N A O Y A MAN... I FUCKING LOVE HIM...

Okok enought screaming. So the characters are good, so much so that they drive the story and the way the game handles allignments seems sublime. what about the story these characters are in

So Kazuya (The Protagonist), Atsuro and Yuzu, three friends, all meet up one day in the Yamanote circle, unfortunately for them, a strange series of events involving demons suddenly starts a lockdown in the whole area locking them in.

Using the power of some strange portable computers that your cousin gave to you; you and your friends have to figure out how to end the lockdown, deal with the demons and evoid as many casualties as possible.

Its simple really simple but its executed well!

Thanks to the great character writing and other aspects like the protagonist being able to see how much time anyone has untill their death, it creates a story that makes you want to see more. How do you save these characters from dying, how will things escalate on the following days and so on. Its so much fun seeing where everything goes.

The setting of a lockdown is also the perfect excuse to limit exploration too!

I did mention previously that the exploration is really limited and simple and I feel its a good time to start elaborating on that and start talking about the general gameplay loop.

So, you have a limited number areas to go to and they are all laid out for you on a simple menu on the bottom screen. The main appeal is choosing where you want to go and who you spend time with, every interaction and conversation takes time (arround 30 in game minutes) and naturally you cant do everything in one go.

The loop consists of deciding who to hang out with as to get more information on the lockdown or just to form strong bond with them (which leads to the different endings), after a certain amount of time a combat scenario is triggered, after overcoming the challenge you can go back to checking arround town.

I like this aproach! Its extremely simple but efective.

While it does completely erase the idea of exploring the yamanote circle, I dont think a 3D hub would add much to begin with and it would only pad out time by having to walk from place to place and having to deal with random encounters often... oh yeah! the combat scenarios!

Hooo boy the combat. Ive been waiting to talk about this for a while. if there is one thing I like as much as the writing in this game is the combat scenarios.

So the combat scenarios are presented in a isometric perspective, utilizing a grid system like most tactical rpgs (Yknow like Front Mission and Final Fantasy Tactics).

Maps usually tend to be very big, which is a small gripe that I have with the game, not a big enought problem to make the game bad but still an issue. It takes a while to get everywhere without Devil Speed (A move that increases your move range) and your atack range is also pretty bad without Chaos Wave (everything has to be right in front of you to hit it which kinda sucks)

for the units that dont have either of those two skills, catching up can take a few more turns than it should.

you could argue this adds to the planing for each battle and that is true! it can be fun to mess arround with the huge map with some magic, like swap and animal leg. That is why I dont see this as a big issue but when you have to switch your teams quite often through the story due to having to to adapt to every fight... there will be those few times where you just dont have any skills to make things to faster which will drag things down a fair bit.

Ok so what about teams/units?

You usually have 3-4 teams on the field at all times. Those being composed of a friend/comp user (Atsuro, Yuzu, Keisuke, Midori, Naoya, etc) and two demons

You cant have one team with more than one comp user nor a team with three demons

It needs a singular comp user in the middle, having the role of the leader. Thats enought to register it as a team.

(img for reference)

Enemies work the same way.

You might ask why im explaining how units are formed and that is because its an integral part of combat

The actual combat! so this game uses another variation of press turn... because it woudnt be shin megami tensei without another variation on press turn.

(I say that but I love variations of press turn lmao)

as mentioned previously. three units, middle one is a leader

The main thing that makes that set up unique is that you can choose to make fights easier or harder on the fly.

Fights end instantly as soon as you kill the middle unit/leader but that will give you less exp compared to if you did kill every unit on that team.

So its a balancing act of knowing when to kill everything and when to not do so to maximize exp per characters.

Combat encounters are RUTHLESS in DeSu, they can dish out as much damage as you do and MAN is it tense. Sometimes going for every demon is a death sentence, sometimes its best to just end things fast and survive.

The skill crack system goes along with this great! what is a skill crack you might ask, the skill crack system is the main way you get new spells through the game. You select a stealable skill at the start of the combat scenario and have to kill a specific demon with a specific team you assigned for that demon. Once the specified unit kills the demon with the skill, you obtain that skill permanently and can switch it arround with your other skills.

Having to kill a very specific demon... which is often a demon on the side and not a leader.

sometimes stealing a skill is not worth it as the demon with said skill is way too strong, its best to cut your loses at times and just hope you can steal that skill some other time.

Its a small extra layer to the combat that I apreciate.

So what about that press turn variation huh. Extra Turn.

Extra Turn is simple, you get one more turn after using your turn, you get this by hitting the weakness of the demon or landing a critical hit.

As simple as that is, it helps a ton! several encounters can be ended in one turn if you are well prepared.

You can get your extra turn stolen by any demon with just a critical hit or them hitting your weakness. Its a good variation of press turn! maybe not as good as "One More" from Persona 3-5 or just regular press turn but its still good!

Its really fun! and its nice seeing all your planning pay off after a while

Planning fights is as fun as ever too, made even easier due to the demon auction.

You cant recruit demons mid combat scenario, just buy them at the auction.

Save up some cash, buy some demons, fuse those demons to create a really strong demon. normal megaten things. its as fun as ever, just you need to buy every demon

I would like to aknowledge the lack of a compendium... that was added in overclocked (I played the original version if that wasnt clear)

It wasnt unmanageable or anything mind you, I have beaten SMT1 so its not like im not used to this but its omision is strange.

So what about skills? the amount of magic skills here is smaller than the usual lineup. Light Magic and Dark magic has been completely omited

(there are a few instant kill spells but they are based arround if your character has a certain status effect like paralisis and so on)

Leaving only Fire, Wind, Ice, Thunder, Curse (for status effects) and Neutral as the only types of damage arround.

even then the amount of skills those types have is way smaller than usual which most likely was for balance.

Considering the freedom you have when building your leaders, I dont mind the smaller amount of spells, its less overwhelming.

Due to how flexible are the tools the game gives you in order to create your team, overcoming hard fight with better planing is so satisfying, I found myself frustrated several times only to be hit with so much bliss as soon as I beat a boss with a revamped team, its so damm satisfying.

Man I could keep going and going and going on about this game in more detail, I could go on with the magnetite system, how certain spells can break the late game and so on... but I feel its best you try it out for yourself.

I am trying my best to evoid mayor spoilers, there is... alot in this game for as simple as it is. Its fantastic

My only suggestion to ends things off is to turn on the ability to skip text by holding L + R, it makes retrying scenarios much faster (you will get your ass kicked).

The art is good, the CG backgrounds have held up really nicely, the gameplay is fun, the characters are great, the story is great, the soundtrack is good! (even if it gets tiresome by the end... yknow its the SMT1 problem where the music gets repeated often)

Devil Survivor is one hell of an RPG and trully one of the best in the entire series. I am glad I went ahead and played it

10/10

Hah... pretty bad review that I left in the drafts for a while huh... im glad its done. never forget that all my reviews are ramblings and that im no writter. have a good day

[wrdn-tabris]

a little life update :-)

(pls help i need advice)

so

i have this friend. two friends actually. i went to visit them recently (june)

friend 1, lets call her cat had asked friend two, lets call her bee, to move down with her. bee agreed. issues immediately started. bee was off her meds and didnt want to get back on them, and started picking fights with cat, treating her badly and etc bc thats what bee used to do when she still lived with her mom. pick fights when her mood dropped and get into screaming matches (tho its not like her mom didnt also pick fights with her)

cats telling me abt this at this time and i feel bad bc i feel like i wasnt being a good friend mostly bc i didnt have the energy to hear abt how terrible it was going for her. i was going thru a lot when it started which isnt her fault or my fault, but i feel bad for not being more supportive. so cat stopped telling me abt it, bc i didnt know what to do or how to fix things. i thought stuff resolved itself but i went and visited and it hasnt. really.

so i arrive. bee doesnt come with cat to pick me up, which, ok disappointing but i understood she was tired. she didnt come to eat with us either. which also sad

next day cat asks for some rent money to get herself lunch, bc she forgot to make smth to eat before leaving and cat couldnt and wouldnt give their rent money so she could get lunch. so she asked us to bring her lunch from mcdonalds if she ordered somthing bc she had points on the app, and we had to decide tht if we are driving tht far out to where she works we might as well do something over there. cat asks if we should invite her partner with us and i agreed bc i wanted to meet him. we go to pick up her lunch, she asks me to buy her something rather than ordering smth off the app, which, feels :/ to assume ill just buy it for her. i would have if she asked but she just sent me her order. mybe an asshole move of my to say 'uhhh sure if ur able to order it off the app???'

get the food, fight thru traffic to get to her, have to fight thru parking traffic to get out of where she works. we end up visiting this old military fort and hang out for a few hours and when we come back we think bee is asleep. its like. 7:30? 8:00?

so i try to inflate the blow up bed i got for them to use for when they have other guests sleep over and me and cats bf wake her up while im trying to figure out how to work it so she comes out and snaps at us. i apologize for being loud, promise to be quieter but im inflating the air mattress so i might be loud for a few minutes. the ENTIRE time im inflating it shes standing there arms crossed glaring at us and clearing her throat the entire time. and maybe its just me but??? i find that to be a little fucking rude tbqh. me and the bf are guests and its making me feel unwelcome and regretting the money i spent to come visit her. anyways cat comes out from the bathroom bc bee is still there clearing her throat with her arms crossed even after i finished fixing up the air mattress, and its quiet as hell bc me and bf are both uncomfy. cat gets mad and upset bc were guests in their home and she shouldnt be treating her like tht. shes upset we woke her up but surprise surprise shes even MORE upset i met cats partner before hers bc she wanted it to all be 'together' even tho i agreed to meet bf bc i did! want to meet him! and that we went to the fort without her.

anyways.

i apologize to her abt that bc i wanted to meet him but shes like 'no cat knew i wanted to do this thing' which fair.

the rest of the week goes ok. i get to meet her partner and theyre so nice and funny and i was super excited to meet them. we hit off great. we get lunch with one of cats friends, bee remarks abt 'oh i used to get so upset abt ppl being happier than me, enjoyed making ppl unhappy and would go out of my way to do so, bc i didnt like that they were happy and i wasnt' i buy bee a present for her birthday and u kno week ends i go home, and turns out bees partner comes out to her abt some things and bee freaks out, gets super upset and reacts really poorly. starts crying and going off abt being betrayed and etc.

turns out partner breaks up with her the next day bc they were uncomfortable with the reaction and then she starts crying and going off again abt feeling betrayed and upset and wanting to kill herself and tht they told her they loved her and would never leave and etc etc etc amongst other 'its not faiiiir' reactions. i still hold the opinion she was upset bc they broke up with her first.

cat calls her out for her behavior and that shes saying some very inappropriate things and tht ex isnt an awful person. bee ends up demanding all the gifts she gave ex back and wanted to know what ex would be doing with special gifts they got her before they both broke up.

i honestly end up quite. disgusted? with her behavior bc any time she broke up with someone while she lived separately from cat, shed ghost us and wed only get her side of the story. cat all but ends up moving in with her partner bc bee refuses to clean up after herself and keeps making a mess of things and its just a bad living situation.

cat tells bee tht shes not thinking of renewing their lease at the end of the year bc she cant handle living like this and bee lashes out. ends up making a mess of their kitchen and breaking some of cats things.

she also uses special non stick stuff of cats and uses metal on it (which ur not supposed to do) and keeps using cats own dishes and dishes she got from her grandma and doesnt clean them or anything.

my thing is. i dont know what to do. i kinda wanna stop our friendship bc im upset at how shes treating our other mutual friend. but i dont know if i should talk to her bc ive asked cat if i should try and talk to her to get her to see tht shes not being a good friend and cats told me not to, mostly bc she refuses to see shes wrong. im leaning towards wanting to follow her advice bc she has been living with bee but also it feels so scummy not to say anything esp when i know shes going to be going thru a difficult time in the next few months. however if i talk to her, i dont want to cause her to lash out at bee or have any of her things that are still at their apartment broken bc bees already proven to lash out and break other peoples things when shes upset at them, and i dont want to make it any worse for her.

bee would tend to ghost us when she was stll living with her mother, so much so tht we wouldnt hear from her for weeks or months, esp when she was feeling bad. i would try to reach out to her just to make sure she was fucking alive lmao. im worried if i were to reach out and ask abt all this and end with our friendship splitting off, shed do something drastic like hurt herself. i want to reach out and try to salvage what i feel is a dissolving friendship but i also dont want to be friends with this type of person unless shes worked on herself. i still love and care for her but like i know who i would stick by if i had to which... feels bad to say and sucks but th fact is i am closer with cat, mostly bc when bee would ghost us me and cat would still talk and we have more in common.

i want to talk and ask her why she would do and say these things and treat ppl she loves like this but ive been told not to but it would feel wrong not to at least. reach out. i dont know what to do.

AITA?

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[bonesandthebees]

Ider if i told u but i got my wisdom teeth removed today and that shit was the worst experience of my life ohmygod

The actual procedure went okay, though like i took an anti anxiety med that was supposed to knock me out but i was Fully Conscious LMFAO AND SO I ASKED THEM TO GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE BUT THEY WERE LIKE "naur bro ur fine" BC I WSNT FREAKING OUT A TON DJFKGKF WHICH I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR (tho it turned out to be a good thing bc those meds ended up making me . Hashtag emetophobia tw ifykwim)

BUT YEAH THE RECOVERY PROCESS WAS SHITTTT THEY TOLD ME I COULD TAKE OUT THE GAUZE IN 2 HRS AND SLEEP BC I WAS VERY TIRED BUT NOOOO IT WOUKDNT HEALLL FOR A WHOLE SIX ASS HOURS

Ahem sorry for yelling i was just very . Upset bc i wanted to sleep or even just drink fucking water man

BUT I DIDDD EVENTUALLY I DIDD WE REJOICEEE i think there was still a little bit of blood but i couldnt taste it anymore and i was really thirsty so shfkfkf and food (literally just broth lmao) made me feel a lot better so that's good

But yeah . -1100000 experience i would literally never recommend it (unless u have to, also from who I've talked to almost everyone else has had a better experience than me so if u are scared, do not worry king it won't be that bad. And even if it is like me, im here!! And alive!! And the nausea wasnt that bad, it kinda just came and went. Much better than migraines bro fr, migraines suck BALLS)

Like everyone kept telling me to watch a movie but that was stressing me out so what i ended up doing wss putting on a podfic (passerine podcast on yt woot woot, i listened to change fate by sircantus) and man it's actually wild how much it helped me. It helped calm my anxiety AND distract me from the pain. Once i did that existing felt less like suffering and more like an annoyance ahahah

OUGH I DIDNT EVEN GET ANY SILLY GOOFY MOMENTS EITHER BC I WASNT LOOPY AT ALL JUST TIRED DHFJFK

Anyways ty for letting me get that out of my system LMAOO

oh man this sounds literally horrible I'm so sorry icy 😭 that sucks that you weren't able to knock out even a little bit but at least the procedure itself wasn't horrible

god that sounds terrible though just sitting there for 6 hours waiting to be able to take the gauze out. that's so strange that it took so long. but at least you were able to listen to passerine podcast that's nice!!

everyone I know whose gotten their wisdom teeth removed had a better experience than this I am so sorry you got so unlucky.

I'm very grateful that I'm never gonna have to get my wisdom teeth removed. I had soooo much horribly painful dental work done to my mouth throughout my entire teen years that I now genuinely get bad anxiety anytime I'm in a dentist office even if I'm not there for myself, I straight up was getting anxious when I took my grandma there for a cleaning the other day 😭 and I keep putting off a recommended (minor) procedure bc of this anxiety it's badddd

I hope you're feeling better now though!!

[unlimitedtrees]

talkin' about ~BRAND NEW WORLD - SECTION 1 and 2~ from 'UNITRES Dreams'

today i feel like talking a bit about my game, UNITRES Dreams. specifically, the levels 'Brand New World - Section 1' and 'Brand New World - Section 2'. ive been meaning to talk about this level for a Long while, but couldnt figure out how to put my words together... i hope this is an interesting little read for you...

play da Game on newgrounds ehehehehe ~! or u can download it on itch.io

these two levels were the first levels ever created for the game. for a little backstory.. UNITRES Dreams started as just a small tech demo made in 4 days for a little game jam. at the time, it was just called 'UNITRES - Tech Demo' and was just made to explore some concepts i had. things were a Lot simpler in this demo... the controls and overall movement was simpler, the art design and level design was rlly simple as i didnt know what i wanted to go for with this game yet. one key difference in this early version of the game is the Music.

the demo used a few placeholder tracks from other people, such as the track for the first section being a megaman remix. but the second section uses a song called 'Fuwa Fuwa Brand New' by Halcali.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sA0KyE70sSc

this song is actually really important to me... i first heard it in a video in the Sonic 2 Special Edition series and it Immediately entranced me. I ain't good with words or describing music, but to me the song is very upbeat but melancholic in some way if that makes sense. i was in a really bad place mentally when i first heard it but it really inspired me to make something new... it wasnt Entirely responsible for the creation of UNITRES but it was a really big part of it and its still one of my favorite songs to listen to...

Anyways. the song was a big inspiration for the mood i wanted to go for in the game and this particular level. for a bit of explanation of the Story going on in this level... before the level even starts u get a cutscene where trees "explains" what is about to go on in the level, saying they're going to break into some facility for some burgers, and you're just dumped into the level with no real context as to what's actually going on. Section 1 starts out with Trees quickly running through and killing the strange, mutated creatures inside, until you get to Section 2 where the mood suddenly shifts and Trees becomes carefree as they reach what they've actually been there to do. I dont want to talk about it too much just yet, but in the background of section 2 you can see a large purple light brightening up the strange organic structures surrounding it... this purple light is one of the seven Eyes which have been a subtle important part of the game's story, and Trees is after it so that they don't make a mistake theyve made before.. most of whats going on this level is barely communicated and also mostly exists in my head, but i hope you can see a little of my intentions. the halcali song fit so well for me, as it's a very uplifting song being used in a level where Trees is about to do something Very Terrible Which I Won't Talk About Yet after they've just been through something Very Horrible which is not communicated with in the game. and the song gave the perfect feeling for what i wanted to do...

But Anyways... eventually when i made UNITRES Dreams into a full game, i wanted to have a completely original soundtrack for it. it was really difficult to put together however, as i was like 17 when i was making it and i had no way of making money and didnt know a whole lot of composers (especially ones thatd be willing to work on my silly little game). But then, shortly after the original tech demo that i met RRThiel and then slowly started getting a whole team of composers.. i am so lucky to have the soundtrack UNITRES has now and im so greatful for all the composers who made it for my silly little game and i beg all of you to check out the soundtrack and all the composers, they are all wonderful.

Anyways. about brand new world's new music... for most of UNITRES Dreams' development i was unable to get anyone to make music for it. it was pretty low priority as i had to find people who could make music for the rest of the game, but it was still Really Important to me as i wanted someone who could capture the same feeling i was going for with the placeholder music. it wasnt until near the very end of development that i got MiniMacro and R3tronaut to make the tracks for the two sections...

https://youtu.be/ZPpCJtvq0HA?t=2253

MiniMacro worked on the track for Section 1 and it came out really freakin good.. the song sounds really Urgent and it fits really well and he did a really good job and you all should check out his work and the games he made. What i especially want to talk about is R3tronaut's song for Section 2..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPpCJtvq0HA&t=2369s

i don't really have any favorites in the game's soundtrack as all of the music is unique and fits really well for their specific parts and i love every track in this game deeply, but if i Had to pick a favorite , R3's track for Brand New World - Section 2 would be Really close. once again i am bad with words but is such an Emotional but upbeat and magical song that it manages to capture everything i wanted with this level so much.. i love how both level's sections music came out and the tone shift that suddenly comes with this track.. it fits the weird little story that i have going on in this level... anyways ummm You Must look at all of R3's music and buy all their albums.. NOW !!! EHHEHEHE!!!

anyways. one last little thing i will tell you.. originally in the tech demo, after beating the boss you get a really basic cutscene which shows the Trees character going to sleep, which ended up setting up the plot for UNITRES Dreams... but i removed the cutscene in the final game and never replaced it which im still upset about as nothing really communicates what happens after the level. Originally, UNITRES Dreams wasnt even supposed to exist and the cutscene was just to set up for something completely differnet, but after making the demo i Really wanted to explore more of the gameplay and story... and so i started working on UNITRES Dreams...

thats all i feel like talking about right now. i am tired and want to eat food. maybe i should talk more about this game sometime...

Oh btw that last sentence was before i wrote any of da other Big Posts i made. i actually have had this in my drafts for A While and wasnt sure how to properly put my words together. im still not sure if i did a good job talking about this... oh well. ummmm play unitres dreams on newgrounds dot com , teehee !

Ohh Ohh Actually SIKE !!! before igo i should actually talk about The Level Itself... i just realized at the end of typing all of that that i havent even talked about what the level Plays like and how it Looks and how it was made... Well. being the first level in the Entire Game, it is Incredibly Basic and Linear. since the controls were simpler, the challenges in this level were just basic platforming challenges with enemies thrown around. in Section 2, i introduced gravity swapping mechanics which i Like. some people have complained about it, but honestly i like how the controls are reversed when upside down.. it makes more sense to me. Also, being one of the earliest levels ever made, i wasnt actually Sure how to make the artwork, so everything is very simple and basic. Actually, the palette and a little bit of the art is was updated in the v3.0.2 update which is shown in the screenshots.. so things are a little more vibrant and prettier than they were in the original tech demo. Last thing i can tell you about gameplay wise is that the bosses Sucked, as i made them really quickly and the first boss is Really Easy and basic (with you having to Wait to damage it.. which is annoying) and the second boss is also incredibly basic but with a ton of projectile spam and an attack that is instant kill if you dont shield. LOL !!!

OKAY OKAY ONE MORE THING !!! if you didnt know... the original tech demo was actually made for the 'Really Amateur Games Expo' (or RAGE for short), which was a joke event run by the people who run SAGE where u have to make a joke game in under a week. i never attended one of them before and just felt like doing it right then just because it gave me an excuse to make UNITRES into a thing. the theme of that year's event was to make a bad game based off the newly revealed Sonic movie and its design... so i decided itd be funny to make a game Completely Unrelated to Sonic and the sonic movie and make it an Actually Good Game With Effort Kind Of. so That's why theres a bunch of posters for "Fast The Rat" and the egg guy... it was supposed to be making fun of the original sonic movie teaser. the game was actually accepted into the event.. but it was completely ignored and also it wasnt even shown on the stream they did for the event. oh well. around that same time i also joined newgrounds for the first time and posted about it.. but it also did not occur to me that i could have exported an html version of the game which i Kind Of regret not doing then. Oh Well, at least the version of the game that came out on newgrounds is way more polished and Good, LOL !!!

EDIT: ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE MORE THING !!! i forgot to mention that Technically, section 1 and 2 actually take place in the same layout and thats why theres a smooth transition into the two sections compared to every other level. LOL!

[despite-everything]

i dont even know what im going to write but huge trigger warning for issues related to self harm if you read this. i know i seriously need more psychological help but i dont even know what to do at this point. theres certain things i know that i need to do but feel like i cant and i feel like im sabotaging my future self but at the same time im doing so fucking horribly in the moment that i can barely think of anything beyond the present. like im trying so fucking hard to get better but literally just the tiniest change is setting me off these days. the barber cut my sideburns so they're basically shaved off and blunt whereas i prefer to have them come to a point so there is a little bit of hair under my glasses in front of my ears, but i forgot to tell it to the barber today so he cut that off. and i hate hate hate the way it looks and its a change i wasnt ready for and it freaked me out so much that despite doing all these fucking coping skills and breathing and shit that i spent more than a decade in therapy working on, i couldnt handle it. i guess this is where the trigger warning comes in and like i dont even know if im going to post this or not but i need to get it out there because this is just too fucking much but i freaked out and let myself break a bottle and then cleaned it up because usually breaking glass snaps me out of a downward spiral - its not the best thing to do but its usually a reliable last-ditch tool, but it did fucking nothing today and i fucking relapsed anyway. so i hurt myself pretty badly and then couldnt stop pacing and freaking out and pulling at my hair, and now ive calmed down a bit but still feel awful and now theres blood all over me and the floor and some even got on the wall in my apartment and i want to cry but i cant. i feel horrible and just want to crawl in bed but i dont want to get blood on the mattress and i know id soak through the streets, but i feel like i cant get clean yet and im really upset with myself and its this terrible feedback loop. and like i feel paralyzed. my computer was near where i ended up and now im trying to listen to music i love and im typing this out because i need to get it out smewhere or else im going to scream but like i cant even go pet my cat cause im fucking covered in blood and got it on my computer and everything about this is horrible and yet i still want to keep hurting myself. im not right now and im trying so fucking hard to get over this but like this is so bad. its just awful because i know progress isnt linear but i didnt think a relapse would be this bad. and i know i know i know that things can get better. but ive been like this since 2008 and it only seems to be getting worse and the world seems to be getting worse and i try so hard to be optimistic and focus on the good but i feel like im drowning all the time and its like the very most i can do is just not kill myself. im just so tired and so unhappy and yeah some things have been great lately but its only at work and everything else is so fucking horrible i dont know if i can handle it

[always-andromeda]

um. so. ive been thinking over my past relationship, and i dont know if im in the wrong for hating my ex or not? like. he wasnt very affectionate, which is just how some people are, i guess.

but the only way he tried to be at least slightly affectionate was by talking about sex, A LOT. like, every single day. like, sure, he could be sweet, but that was only in the beginning of our relationship. later on, he just. stopped being loving in any other way aside from sex.

all he complimented me on was my looks. he said he liked my personality, but then ended up saying i was unfunny and insufferable later on. i dont know if they were jokes or not, is the problem.

but heres the thing that pisses me off the most. he pretended like he was gonna break up with me, knowing it was one of my worst fears, as a joke. he said something along the lines of "i prank you once and you suddenly act like im the worst person in the world." like. we had taken a break from our relationship only a couple months prior to this, and it took a fucking TOLL on my mental health. he knew this. and yet he pretended he was leaving me anyway.

and then he actually broke up with me like. a few weeks later i believe. and he completely ignored me after that. i didnt get any comfort, besides one single "im sorry".

im just wondering if im in the right for hating him, because he was just clearly unhappy in our relationship near the end, and the feeling was mutual. and maybe him being unaffectionate was just his personality and he had a hard time showing love. i dont know. sorry this was so lengthy ack

Okay, so sorry this took me a hot second to reply to Ethan!! I really wanted to offer up like my full attention to really answering this in a meaningful way. Because just reading through this reminded me so much of the situation-ship that I was in when I was a teenager. Sadly, I think a lot of us are prone to falling into these kind of relationships when we're young and don't really have much experience with romance or any other kind of intimacy and it's a real tragedy.

TW for descriptions of emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, and mentions of sexual harassment below the cut because whoo boy this is gonna be a long one.

In my situation, the guy completely drained me of everything. He would encourage me to vent every single feeling and thought I possibly could. But as soon as I took it to heart and dared to talk about my day or something that was bothering me, he'd go, "Did I ask?" or "Didn't ask."

And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the sexual shit. The guy had a girlfriend who didn't really know anything about sex. So he'd make sexual jokes to her and make me explain their meaning to her, knowing full well that I had feelings for him. Then he'd turn around and make jokes and conversation about my own sexuality. Like as soon as he figured out the daddy issues thing, he went nuts with it. He immediately used sex and my insecurities to deliberately fluster me and make me uncomfortable because he knew it would only make me cling closer to him.

I went through almost three years of him upping the ante on his bullshit to the point where I was completely codependent on him. And even now, close to three years removed, I'm still unlearning some of the shit he instilled in me.

I don't think it's wrong of you to hate him exactly? Like there's often this narrative that gets pushed on victims to "forgive and forget." And for some, that may be beneficial in order to obtain peace of mind. But that isn't a one size fits all solution. Sometimes things just haunt us and we learn to live with it. Which might sound terrible un-motivating. And sometimes it is! Because there's a lot of work required for untangling these situations and trying to find something of value in them. Because they shouldn't have happened in the first place. But they did. It isn't fair that it happened, but it did, and I don't think you're a bad person for not being able to just swallow that.

I myself can never forgive the guy who fucked me over, mostly because he didn't just do it to me; he also did it to one of my best friends. And for her sake, that anger and defensiveness flares up and in a strange way, it allows me to process my own feelings. Because if I don't think she deserved that treatment, surely I should be able to muster up that same love for myself? Perhaps I should be able to advocate for myself with the same, fervent kind of love.

Because people who do that kind of shit–people who deliberately hurt you over and over again–they do it because they want to put you in a cycle where they can say and do whatever they want, all while knowing completely that you'll go right back to them for that validation. In my experience, it's those folks that are so sad and so ridden with insecurity and dysfunction that they derive enjoyment from doing this to people. And I'm not talking about people who maybe suddenly blow up before realizing their mistake and apologizing. I'm talking about people who take joy in hurting you. Those are people who will always feed on your sympathy and your willingness to see the good.

Whenever I found myself trying to humanize my abuser after everything, I started reminding myself that no matter what low point I've been in...I have never done the things he did. Sure, I may have been more short with people or a little less thoughtful and isolated myself. But I never once made that my excuse to deliberately and repeatedly hurt the people who love me with no remorse. So, no, I don't think it's unreasonable to hold to negative feelings over him. There's no one size fits all prescription for navigating these situations. It's all about what we can live with. For me, I can live with knowing that if I ever saw my abuser again, I probably wouldn't throw hands exactly, but I most definitely wouldn't be smiling and singing Kumbaya with that fucker.

However your brain and your heart chooses to receive that experience is completely up to you. Because at the end of the day, it is your experience. And you tell yourself and do whatever you need to in order to live with it. I love you, Ethan. Please please please be gentle and kind with yourself, bud.