#terms w the fact that he was never really cut out for this life but tains illusive approval was too much of a driving desire for him to do

[codenameregnar]

Let me just start by saying thank you for the initial post and getting me started thinking about what Tain’s side of the story must look like from his perspective. It’s not really something I had ever thought about much but you’re right, I bet he was so immeasurably disappointed in him because he knew Garak was smarter and better than this because he had spent so much time effort and energy in making sure of that. I do agree that Tain only loves Cardassia and the people in his life when they bend to his will, when they are extensions of himself. But Garak is intrinsically an extension of him, being his only son. He can’t help but love him.

In my opinion there has only ever been one time that Tain was selfless, and thats when he let Mila live when she got pregnant. One could make a case that risking his position by letting them live in his house, molding Garak from a young age, and eventually sending him to Bamarran was selfless as well, but to me that all was colored with the ulterior motive of control over Garak and an insurance of his legacy. However I’m certain Tain viewed all those things as totally selfless and altruistic and coming from a place of love, and thus weakness. But letting him live in the first place is a huge risk and complication to Tain’s life (he’s said as much) and I think him taking that risk actually did stem from actual love and from his own brand of sentimentalities that he views as weakness in himself. Which is exactly why he drilled that into Garak so hard. And so I think the nail in the coffin of his disappointment is that he saw his own sentimentalities that he views as his own liability so clearly on display and frankly out of control in Garak, who is the embodiment of Tain’s weakness. Garak reminded him of himself and it made him furious, because Garak was supposed to be better than that. He had spent his whole life believing he was doing Garak favors by sticking his neck out for him and giving him the opportunities to move up in the world and take his rightful place in the Order and molding him into the best (most like Tain) version of himself he could be, and the Palendine situation was only proof that their entire bloodline was tainted with sentimentality, which is not something Tain could afford or even face.

He loved him as much as he knew how to, as much as he could allow himself to, and I really think he wholeheartedly believed all the torture he put him through was him doing Garak a favor. Like I said, I don’t doubt most of it was out of a desire for control, but I think Tain thought it was 100% out of love. And yeah, that’s a great point about The Wire and Improbable Cause. He so desperately wants Garak back, both because he genuinely thinks it’s what’s best for him and because he wants that control over him again. He even says in The Wire that he misses him, and I do think he meant it and only felt comfortable enough to say that because he knew Julian wouldn’t understand the implications but that Garak would, and he was ok with him knowing it. It was his own manipulative form of an apology. ‘I do love and miss you, and I only wish you hadn’t forced me to exile you. If only you would have listened.’ There was truth to it but, as it is with everything he does, he was going to use that glimmer of vulnerability to twist Garak in his direction. Which is exactly how he got Garak to stay so loyal for so long: by allowing him only breadcrumbs of connection between them. By weaponizing his own very real sentimentalities. In the same vain, all the shit in Improbable Cause was just one big test, and when he passed Tain immediately welcomed Garak back with open arms and immediately trusted him again. Because he needed someone was loyal and easily manipulated as Garak back in his ranks, but also because wanted his son with him by his side at his greatest victory. He wanted to know that Garak would (by his standards) end up ok and that (again, by his standards) he didn’t fail as a father or mentor. He wanted the best for Garak at every turn, he just has a really fucked up idea of what that is, because he is power hungry and narcissistic.

It’s always a two fold thing with him. Two things can be true at once. He did really love him, but he was also a manipulative monster who needed everyone around him to bend to his will, most of all Garak. The more love he has for someone, the more they must submit to him, and the more of a betrayal it is when they fail to do so perfectly. Idk, I just find Tain’s side of their relationship so endlessly fascinating. Because I genuinely think he saw himself as giving and selfless and bending over backward to do right by Garak in the face of very difficult and dangerous odds for him to do so. I really don’t think he thinks of himself as a manipulative and controlling villain when it comes to how he treated Garak; he's so up his own ass and such a narcissist that in his mind he only thought he was trying to help Garak and give Garak a better life and he truly can’t see how a lot of his actions were first and foremost to benefit him. But I also think he really did love him in the only ways he knew how to, and he wasted no opportunity in giving Garak the chance to redeem himself and prove himself worthy of that love.

So I read A Stitch in Time and one result of that which I was certainly not expecting was that I feel so much sympathy for Enabran Tain. Garak's life is a tragedy, but Tain's is a fucking black comedy.

I mean, he's a terrible person and an absolute shitbag, but can you imagine? You have this kid. You go to all the trouble of arranging for him to be raised in a family situation where he won't be rejected from society for being your bastard. You get him into the nicest indoctrination school where he can hobnob with plenty of uppercrust kids. You get him a job in your Order and all the proper training. And he's actually, like, really good at it. But he has this fatal flaw of being completely incapable of not making stupid, short-sighted, emotional decisions.

A scene I imagine has to have happened just prior to Garak and Tain's confrontation at the end of part II:

Like goddamn. When Tain asked "what's your plan for getting rid of her husband?" and Garak's just like "plan what plan." Dude. I'M disappointed, I can only imagine the guy who's job it is to know and plan for everything isn't at least as disappointed.

I know he didn't actually, but do you think there was ever a time when Tain wanted to be like, You know what. Just go back to Tolan and become a gardener. Join that illegal hippie cult. It's fine.

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

points at u. how do u play eridan so well!!! hes such a tricky bastard to write for 4 some reason

It's because he's got so many problems and playing him is basically Mental Illness Simulator :') Whipped up a small (that's a lie, it's large and extensive) guide under the cut

ERIDAN DOES NOT HAVE FUN

First most important thing about playing Eridan: THIS BOY DOES NOT DO JOKES. He does NOT DO BITS. He does NOT HAVE FUN. If you check out his logs, pretty much every time he talks to somebody, he has a very clear purpose in mind (usually flirting or grandstanding). One of the few times he does strike up a conversation without a clear goal in mind, it's absolutely disastrous:

CA: fef CA: hey CC: ? CA: glub CC: Glub glub! CC: 38) CA: yeah CA: hm CC: W)(at is it!!! CA: wwhat

He's sooooooo so so so bad at conversation. He doesn't tell jokes. He doesn't know how to lighten the mood. He has no chill. He has no sense of humor. When playing him, if you are making jokes, you are doing it wrong!

The reason for this is because, psychologically, you have to imagine that he is constantly teetering on the edge of a murderous freakout. If he is not, at all times, Being Useful (AKA murderous, sea dweller-y), then Something Bad Will Happen. His entire life is about duty, pressure, responsibility, and, accordingly, at ALL TIMES, he feels an extreme, anxious weight on his shoulders, which makes him incapable of indulging in "frivolous" behavior, like making smalltalk or doing things for fun. In fact, sarcasm and facetiousness are literally considered childish by Alternians, and Equius associates it with lower blood colors:

CT: D --> Humorous insincerity is for pedantic wigglers AG: Pshhhhhhhh, I know! I know you never make jokes. I was the one 8eing sarcastic, you stooge! AG: I was 8eing sarcastic a8out you 8eing sarcastic. Duh. CT: D --> That's because you're a little worse than me

That's why it's also kind of important to make him not really have hobbies. Eridan DOES have interests: he loves wizards and magic, and he's a hipster. HOWEVER, he only ever talks about magic in pursuit of some other goal, like finding a date or winning at a rivalry, AND he's constantly denying his own interest in these things, because they're frivolous, stupid, ridiculous, and deviations from what he "should" be like. He actively distances himself from things that make him happy. In fact, we only know he's a hipster because it's part of his design and Karkat mentions it once - Eridan himself has never talked about it. That's how far he's buried anything that actually brings him joy.

If your Eridan is smiling for ANY REASON, you are DOING IT WRONG!

While we're on the topic, things Eridan is NOT ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN:

History (he only ever talks about history in the vaguest possible terms; I think he is book smart and genuinely knows a lot ABOUT history, but his actual interest in it is middling. He's just expected to be really obsessed with history, especially military history, as a member of the aristocracy, and he reads it in the same way as one doomscrolls on twitter - it's a way for him to self-reinforce his own mental illness and soothe his cognitive dissonance)

Marine life/marine anything (he's TERRIFIED of the ocean, and has spent a few days underwater TOTAL. He knows nothing of the sea.)

Weaponry (he HAS a lot of guns, so he definitely knows how to use and maintain them, but there's a reason he outsources the building of all his doomsday devices. Also, he got a "god weapon" early on in his life, and has kind of just been... using that. He neither has a need to know much about weaponry, nor has ever displayed any particular interest or knowledge. He leaves fully loaded harpoons just lying around on the floor of his house. It's knowledge of necessity, not interest.)

Hunting/Violence/Murder (he's really good at it, he knows a lot about it, he will teach you on request, he will mention it constantly, but he doesn't actually derive any particular joy out of it, especially since we know his thought process after each kill is "that's going to make an orphaned troll very sad. they will be culled soon :/")

Fashion (he has more of an interest than the average Alternian, but it's still not a lot. He dresses up to emulate Dualscar, and his actual clothing choices beyond that are pretty disastrous. Canon Eridan has never shown an interest in fashion. Even if you do want to play him with an interest in fashion, which I think is fine, you have to remember that he deliberately distances himself from anything that brings him joy, so even if he likes fashion, he'll keep that a secret and insist he only does it for utility purposes.)

Pale Romance (just throwing this in there, it's the one quadrant he is *never* shown to pursue. He's tried Feferi and Nepeta in flushed, Sollux, Terezi, and Kanaya in ashen, and Rose and Vriska in pitch. if anything, he goes out of his way to AVOID pale romances, both because he just had a painful pale breakup, and because he freaks out at the implication that he's weak in any way, which pursuing a pale romance would all but be admitting)

The thing that makes playing Eridan so hard, I think, is that he's abjectly fucking miserable, BY CHOICE, and for most RPers, playing a character who's abjectly fucking miserable kind of goes against the appeal of RPing in the first place (that is, having fun). All of the things he says he's really into are things that he either has no interest in, or that actively make his life less enjoyable. All the things he spends all his time thinking about are things that make him feel anxious and hopeless. All the things he actually likes and would have fun with are the things he actively, deliberately, and loudly decries and suppresses.

So that's point 1: Eridan does NOT have fun.

ERIDAN IS AGGRO AS *FUCK*

The next most thing I see that trips people up is that they make Eridan too friendly, usually as an extension of accidentally giving him too much chill. There are two main factors here at play: the first is that he's desperately trying to be a violent, casteist, oppressive, dangerous sea dweller, and outright pushes that image, and the second is that he's really fucking anxious ALL THE TIME, and most peoples' sociability goes down when they feel the cold breath of the reaper on the backs of their necks 24/7.

When looking at the 4 responses to danger - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn - Eridan will overwhelmingly choose "fight," with "fawn" as his secondary option. This makes absolute sense in context: all his trauma comes from its inescapable nature - if he tries to run from his duties, everybody dies; if he freezes up and fails to complete them, everybody dies. Therefore, his only two options are to Fight, and to channel that violent response into completing his duties, and to Fawn, to capitulate to the things that are hurting him - much moreso the former than the latter. Unfortunately, that bleeds over into everything else. Great!

We can see this illustrated really well in his conversations with Kanaya: Eridan does not ask for favors or help, he makes demands:

CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin ... CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to

ERIDAN: you should of told me about this ERIDAN: if theres goin to be any sort a hope for our race as the prince of hope i demand to be invvolvved ERIDAN: so dont go anywwhere wwithout me got it

The only time he ever really backs off is in confessions, where he's willing to be like "hey, I think we really got something here, don't you think so?", or when talking to Karkat (Karkat is really the only person that Eridan doesn't feel the need to put on airs around, and we can only speculate as to why. It's because they're destined moirails for each other.)

He will also do this for statements that he isn't 100% sure about. If he's going to say something, he is going to ASSERT IT as if it is IMMUTABLE FACT, even if he's immediately disproven. In which case he will admit fault, but then his NEXT wild assumption is the IMMUTABLE FACT.

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gills dirty before TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? CA: wwell arent you TT: No. What gave you that idea? CA: the wway you CA: ok CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society

I feel like he's the type who, if he's genuinely unsure about something, he just won't say it at all. Basically, Eridan is always operating at either 0% or 100%, with almost no in-between. NO CHILL. Given that he only strikes up conversations when he's trying to achieve something from it - whether that's actively getting someone to do something for him, or just trying to assert that magic is fake - he treats every conversation like it' i's a battle, where the prize is whatever it is he's attempting to do, and his conversation partner is an enemy that he has to beat into submission. (Karkat is the only exception. He actually just likes talking to Karkat, and will do more traditional "hey man you wanna talk about your feelings" kind of dialogue with him.)

If your Eridan has chill, you are doing it wrong!

ERIDAN STRUGGLES WITH EMPATHY

This really needs to be qualified: he does HAVE empathy. He DOES care about his friends. But his brain is really cooked, and he has an extremely difficult time actually working up the emotional energy to express or experience it.

He's kind of downright sociopathic, lol:

ERISOLSPRITE: iim of the miind2et that wwhen you havve a rock 2oliid piiece of a22 tiied twwo the dock, you dont bloody wwell tug the knot loo2e and 2hovve the fucker off wwiith the heel a your boot. ERISOLSPRITE: but then another part of me ju2t wwonder2 wwhat the FUCK ii ju2t 2aiid there? liike that wwa2 ju2t 2uch a wweiird 2ociiopathiic thought ii had, ii hone2tly had no iidea howw bad ii could po22iibly feel about my2elf untiil ii BECAME my2elf, iif THAT make2 2en2e.

Like, okay, how do I explain this. His body count is 2000+. He has an EXTREMELY difficult time caring about life or death. He's had to watch kids cry over their dead parents. He has had to kill kids trying to protect their parents, whom he has then had to kill. And he has done this over, and over, and over again, as long as he can remember, to the point where he calls it "all i evver done practically."

Just for the sake of preserving what's left of his sanity, he's had to learn how to not care about that. If he sees someone crying in front of him, it's unlikely to even emotionally register to him as anything beyond "factually, this person is sad." Shit happens, people die. Violence, tragedy, murder, injury, and death are literally daily occurrences to him. For you, the day I killed your lusus was the most important day of your now tragically short life. For me, it was Tuesday.

Vriska is in the same boat, BTW. I think a combination of just being a less sensitive person to start with, the existence of a support network (Equius and Kanaya and Terezi as friends + she was friends with Team Charge before the... incident), and the lack of all the Duty(tm) and Responsibility(tm), helped her cope a bit better, and be better about opening up to people and relying on them for emotional support.

What this means, in terms of playing/writing him, is that his priorities are extremely skewed, and he is genuinely not going to understand things like "maybe I shouldn't tell this land dweller I'm trying to kill all land dwellers," or "maybe this person is sad and I should comfort them," or "maybe my constant talk about murder and death is offputting to other people." Here he is, literally not understanding why insulting and belittling Kanaya has led to her not wanting to help him, as well as not understanding why Vriska might've blocked him:

CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her

His brain is constantly running at a fevered 100% full-tilt run; he doesn't have the space, leisure, or energy to spend considering things from the perspective of other people. It leads to weird paradoxes, where he IS considerate of other peoples' feelings, but doesn't actually consider their feelings. After spending almost the ENTIRE conversation with Kanaya belittling her and demanding she be his and Vriska's auspice, he abruptly switches gears:

CA: fine i get it ill step off CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that GA: No Thats Not It CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot

Because he LIKES Kanaya, he REALLY CARES ABOUT Kanaya, he WANTS GOOD THINGS for Kanaya... and yet is entirely, wholly, not taking her feelings into account at all.

BUT! This also applies in reverse! You can make all the death threats and casteist insults and demands towards Eridan as you want, and he won't give a shit aside from his usual grandstanding protests. The only time we ever truly see him offended is when he's genuinely trying to do Jade a favor by giving her the code to his gun, and she calls it a piece of shit and tosses it out with the trash - and even then, he doesn't take THAT much offense. Judge for yourself:

GG: so ill just dump it outside the house with the trash GG: and if it is fated to find my penpal one day then so be it! CA: god damn it CA: its like you people go out of your wway to think a howw to disrespect me GG: maybe you should have been nicer to me! GG: in any case i dont appreciate the spirit in which the gift was given so this is what i will do! CA: fine fuck it wwhat do i care CA: this has been a completely flippin useless exchange as havve they all been wwith your species

After all, he's accustomed to much, much, much worse. His emotional response here is indignation, not even really HURT. Karkat also makes a bunch of genuine death threats towards Eridan, which get entirely written off as "wwitty repartee." He's just really bad at processing hostility! Hostility is very normal to him!

So basically, before letting Eridan engage in any act of empathy or compassion, you have to ask whether or not he's going to recognize that the situation would call for that in the first place, which he is REALLY BAD at identifying. He only asks Karkat if Karkat wants to talk about his feelings after Karkat explicitly says that he's freaking out in every possible way, and without that explicit indication, I don't think Eridan would've even noticed.

If your Eridan has social skills, you are Doing It Wrong!

This also means that, even if Eridan has realized that he needs to act compassionate, he's still going to be really fucking trash at actually providing emotional support. He can't even emotionally support himself, you think he can figure it out for other people?

The most he can do is call it like he sees it - "this is a stupid thing to get worked up over," for example. Or he can jump straight to solutions, like "so what, are you gonna kill that guy?" Being as charitable as humanly possible, he might be able to fire off a "that's rough, buddy" at ABSOLUTE maximum.

ERIDAN KIND OF JUST SEES SLURS AS FACTUAL DESCRIPTORS (AND OTHER GENERAL NOTES FOR HIS SYNTAX AND VOCAB)

And, let's face it, on Alternia, they kind of are. Kanaya doesn't even bother to call him out for calling Karkat an assblood, Terezi and Feferi and Sollux don't bother taking offense to calling Sollux a mustard blood, and Karkat calls himself a gutter blood at one point. Like, even if you're playing/writing an Eridan who's rejected Alternian society, he'll still probably be out here calling people slurs? Things that would be considered hostile from other characters are very much just neutral coming from Eridan. There is no emotional difference to him, calling someone a rustblood or a burgundy, but he's expected to say rustblood because of his sea dweller status, so that's what he goes with.

Also, make some grounded but wild assertions about people and things. This boy loves to Assume. Writing Eridan is a lot of going "ERIDAN DON'T SAY THAT!!!" it's great. Really painful. Highly unrecommended.

He's obviously quite book smart and uses a lot of big vocabulary words. You guys need to have Eridan go on these insane purple-prose rants more often. They're so fun to write and so cringe to post.

CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once

CA: but the thing is i need a rivval wwho can pose me a challenge CA: and frankly shes not evven fit for holdin my cape anymore CA: at this point i find all her adorable black pixie dabblins to be prime kiddie playtime shit CA: all of her FRAUDULENT MAGICS cannot come close to posin threat to my mastery ovver the TRUEST SCIENCES CA: an wwith my empiricists wwand i servve as the righteous hope that wwill incinerate delusion and the deluded alike CA: my holy fire is the wwhite fury bled from the wwrath-wweary eyes of fifty thousand nonfictional angels CA: and wwhen theyre finished wweepin they wwill boww before their prince GG: wow what are you talking about

For no reason at all. I'm going to post a little Karkat for comparison.

PCG: THE FUNNY THING IS IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS THE UNDISPUTED LEADER, EVEN YOU. PCG: YOU WILL BE STANDING ON THE TIPPYTOES OF YOUR IDIOTIC METAL SHOES, TAKING DELICATE PURCHASE OF MY NUBBY HORNS AND HOISTING YOURSELF OVER MY HEAD TO PUT YOUR SWEATIEST TOUGH GUY SMOOCH UPON MY TWITCHING SPINE LUMP. PCG: IT WILL BE TENDER AND DEFERENTIAL, LIKE A PAUPER KISSING A NOBLE'S RING. PCG: JUST SCROLL DOWN, READ THE LOGS.

Also, notes about his typing quirk:

First, the ww and vv stuff is actively a fake accent he puts on for the #Aesthetic, and his natural way of speaking doesn't include those at all, so it's entirely likely that if you're writing him after he's rejected Alternian society, or if he's trying to be really really emotionally sincere, he wouldn't be bothering with that part of the quirk specifically.

He doesn't ALWAYS drop the G at the end of words ending in -ing. It's frequent and common, but don't feel bad about letting a word end in a g, especially if it would sound or look better (for example, "being a kid and growwing up" doesn't bother to drop the g's at all).

Similarly, he doesn't ALWAYS change "of" to "a," especially preceding a vowel sound. You gotta be careful with when you change this up, because he pretty much only does it when it would make sense spoken aloud.

In phrases like "must have" or "could have," he will often (but not always) change "have" to "of" (so "must of" or "could of").

Dropping the D from the word "and" happens only one time in the entire comic, so it's probably a typo, and if it isn't, it's REALLY REALLY infrequent.

He will sometimes use shorthanded words, like "em" instead of "them" or "ya" instead of "you." I'd say it's occassional, a bit rarer than the G-dropping. He does tend to use "got to" instead of "gotta," however. Again, try saying his lines out loud, to figure out when best to use what.

Given his loquaciousness and clear command of the language, it's likely that this is for Style, but he also doesn't always bother with proper grammar. Places where "[person] and I" would be used are often switched out for "[person] and me," and he might forgo a contraction like "I've" or "we've" and just post the pronoun (for example, "you got to" instead of "you've got to."

He references ocean shit, and ocean anatomy, like his own fins and gills, pretty often! He just doesn't do the puns. Try using "flippin" instead of "fuckin" every now and then, or "glubbin" instead of "talkin," or nautical analogies.

Also throw in some British "bloody"s every so often.

Cusses like a sailor, though, has one of the highest "fuck" counts relative to wordcount out of all the characters (cough like Karkat cough).

HE DOES NOT USE PUNCTUATION. EVER. (Ok, he does use a period once while talking to Terezi in Alterniabound, but I think that that's a mistake because it's literally the only time). This is actually in STARK contrast to other characters that don't generally use punctuation, like Aradia or Nepeta, who will still use ellipses, exclamation points, and question marks. Eridan actively, consciously forgoes using ANY punctuation, EVER, even for questions (which you shouldn't be asking too many of, because Eridan makes DEMANDS).

ERIDAN DOES NOT ANGST

This is another thing that I see a lot. Yes, Eridan thinks that he's worse than everybody. Yes, he deliberately keeps fun things at bay and focuses on things that make him miserable. Yes, he's sad, anxious, emotionally neglected, etc. etc. But I often see this self-loathing played for dramatics - Eridan being withdrawn, quiet, moody, and sad. Or being consumed with guilt and regret, and wishing he didn't have to be a murderer or wasn't forced into the position he was. And that's just not the vibe.

Because Eridan has a lot of pride. He refuses to appear weak, and he has genuinely lost the emotional capacity to feel too guilty about all the killing. Moreover, here's something I often see get overlooked:

He would think of the murders he committed, and the fact that he's so good at murdering, as good things.

It's not only useful, but oftentimes NECESSARY, for somebody on the team to be willing to make those kinds of sacrifices, to be willing to pull the trigger. Very literally, murder kept him and his friends alive long enough to play the game.

There's no universe in which Eridan would denounce killing and violence, because to do so would be to say that he shouldn't have kept his friends alive. Even in a hypothetical golden ending, where everybody survives to the end, Eridan would be the guy on the team who posits murder as a potential solution to problems, reminds people that society is built on sacrifices and suffering, and offers to do the dirty work himself if nobody else has the stomach for it. As much as being the orphaner was DISASTROUS for his mental and emotional well-being, he wouldn't regret the things he did.

And this is reflected in the comic - the rare times he does break down and show that he kind of hates himself, the focus is never on guilt or regret, it's on his perceived shortcomings - calling himself an idiot or pathetic. Because that's what his real insecurity is - he doesn't hate himself because he sees himself as this awful piece of shit, the way Sollux does, he hates himself because he thinks of himself as not good enough, because if he's Not Good Enough, then Something Bad Will Happen.

Remember, his danger response is FIGHT. It's a different paradigm than what most of us are used to, which is why I see his inner turmoil so often represented by him being moody and broody, which he's never really done in the comic. Eridan doesn't get sad, even though he is sad; he gets mad, aggressive, combative. He doesn't wallow; he just keeps swimming.

CA: i got to keep tryin thats howw all the great military masterminds became great through upright persevverance

Again, his response to being insulted is indignation, not hurt. He doesn't sit in his room feeling sorry for himself, he obsesses over genocide and murdering all the land dwellers. His response to seeing the love of his life turn on him with killing intent is to flip out and start killing right back. After being broken up with, his response is to go and pester his friends (and yell at Gamzee a bit) until he can get some emotional support. He doesn't angst, he tries to solve the problem, and, if he can't solve the problem, he starts shooting.

He's awfully violent! If your Eridan is not awfully violent, you're probably doing it wrong!

BUT, ERIDAN LOVES HIS FRIENDS

At his core, however, as tangled up in all of the above as he may be, Eridan loves:

His friends

Wizards

Magic

Probably hipster shit

Happy endings

He is still, after all, a HOPE player. He struggles as hard as he does because he can't give up on the idea that things will get better, eventually. Even if he's struggling in the wrong direction, toward the wrong ideals, and even if emotionally, he's feeling more and more hopeless and closed in, he can't stop himself from trying, and trying, and trying again.

He loves magic. As much as he tries to push it away and calls it stupid and fake and lame at every turn, he still brought his shitty wands onto the meteor. Why does he love magic? It's an extension of his inability to give up. No matter how hopeless the situation, no matter how awful he feels, no matter how unrealistic salvation might seem, if only magic is real, then there's a solution. He wants to be a wizard so badly because wizards can do magic, and magic can overturn reality, and reality is this awful, inescapable nightmare. He is constantly being caught between nihilism and pessimism and hope and belief. In the comic, the nihilism won, but that's the great conflict at the core of his being.

So ummmmm yeah, I hope any of that helps with writing the fish boy at all. Basically, if you aren't constantly cringing while writing the bullshit that comes out of his mouth, you're probably doing it wrong...

[jimmy-johns-was-taken]

Helllooo ^^

Could i request an enemies to lovers trope (im a sucker for it 😔) w EJ, Hoodie and Jane?

OH MY STARS I AM DOWN BAD FOR ENEMIES TO LOVERS

frick I love this ask

Enemies to lovers with Jane the killer, Hoodie, and Eyeless Jack

All is below the cut :)

Jane the Killer :

Probably thought you were working with Jeff for a while

I’d imagine you were maybe friends with BEN? Since BEN and Jeff are close

Jane assumed you and Jeff were at least on good terms

And she HATED it

Hated you, for being friends with him

Would verbally fight with you, except she would never let you speak or explain yourself

But one day it all changed!!!!

You and Jeff got into a heated argument and Jane talked to you after, having this “I told you he was shit” attitude

You yelled at Jane, telling her that you and Jeff were never friends and in fact, you disliked Jeff

“Oh…”

Oops

But from then you and Jane bonded

Took a little while, but I’d imagine you found something in common and it started from there

Eventually she confessed, becuz we all know that Jane would confess first (we would all be way to scared to)

And now y’all hate on Jeff together!!!

Hoodie :

You were a new proxy, a very uhhhh, energetic one?

You were always go go go, loud, etc

And Hoodie, while he didn’t mind it at first (hell he even enjoyed it), very slowly got annoyed

Then, one day, you and him are on a mission together and you fuck up

You fix it quickly, killing them fast after missing the first time

But he was enraged

Yelled at you for fucking up

Since then, he refused to go on missions with you

But one day, you Toby and Cody all go on a mission together

It goes wonderfully and y’all even stop at like Waffle House after

Hoodie finds this out after you all come in laughing your asses off and having a good time

He likes your laugh

From that point, he tries to listen for it more, and then lowkey starts to be around you more

He doesn’t really talk much, not until he over hears you say something that you like and he also likes

And then after a mission, he offers to buy you it or bring you to a restaurant with it (let’s say you both like the same kind of coffee or pastry or something idk)

And you immediately agree

And then it just blossoms? He realizes that you weren’t that bad, you just had a bad day and fucked up

Everyone fucks up now and then, and that’s ok. Everyone makes mistakes and life moves on, it’s normal.

You teach him that life is nothing without some kind of failure, and for that he is forever grateful

Eyeless Jack :

At first, he wanted to eat you

Then, once he learned that you were a new resident in the forest, he just left you alone

Jack doesn’t hate without reason, I could see him disliking someone for being annoying, but never without a reason ya know?

I’d imagine one day you got in the middle of his kill, costing him a new meal

He was pissed, duh

Would not talk to you, refused to help you, etc

And you felt TERRIBLE

So, one day, you show up at his cabin with a couple of meals for him, all an assortment of organs and such

You ramble on about how you didn’t know which one he liked best and that you overthought it and panicked and so you just grabbed an arrangement

He was grateful

Then one day you got hurt, he helped you and patched you up

And then you two started a small routine where you would bring him some food, he would patch you up and get you some supplies

Eventually y’all just moved in together cuz it was more convenient and easier for everyone (and totally not cuz you had a big crush on him no no no-)

And eventually y’all are just like “yo I hated u at first but like can we date?”

Like of course Jack would make it romantic (as romantic as an eyeless demon could be) and will do better than just “we’re dating now, idc what you say”

[sluggzillaa]

Orbitron

Word Count: 2.5k

✧ Pairing: Joost Klein x Fem!Reader

✧ Summary: After going through a huge breakup with your ex, you decided to try dating again. what didn't expect was for it to bring back your old flame

✧ Warnings and tags: pet/nicknames(Sweetheart) ,some needed fluff, exs to lovers, cursing, angst, joost is kind of an asshole

✧ Authors note: my requests are open so please request something so I have an excuse to post more. ps, MINORS SHOO!

“I’ll never leave you, Schat”

⋆.ೃ࿔*

You can’t remember how long it has been since you came to terms with the fact that you’re now single. It wasn’t like you were in denial, you were just genuinely unsure. You were completely in the dark about everything. One day you’re exchanging I love yous and the next your texts are green. Now you spent your time trying to navigate single life, especially since you felt like you’ve been in a relationship for so long.

You downloaded a couple dating apps. Finding it difficult to not cringe or get nostalgic whenever you see a pale man with slightly long blonde hair. You’d be surprised how many people look like your ex.

Finally you landed on someone who was the complete opposite of your ex. He had dark skin, dark curly hair, and definitely not as tall as him. Hopefully, this would be exactly what you needed to get over the rapper. You hopped out of the shower and rushed to get ready as you were running behind schedule. It's been a while since you’ve been on an actual date so you were pretty rusty. Once your hair was done, you ran into your room and scavenged through piles of clothes to find a decent outfit. You found a decently casual black midi dress. You genuinely didn’t care much to impress your date, you just wanted to be able to say you did it. You slipped on the dress and rushed to the bathroom to put on the minimum amount of makeup you felt comfortable going out in. Once you felt ready, you called for your cab and let your date know you were on your way.

⋆.ೃ࿔*

You walked up to the front of the restaurant and looked around the crowd for your date. You spotted him and walked over to your table. He stood up as soon as he noticed you, a huge smile on his face.

“Apson, right?” You greeted

“Yeaa”

He pulled you into a welcoming hug. He pulled away and pulled out your chair for you as well as taking your bag. You thanked him and pulled the chair in. He rounded the table and sat down. You two quickly scanned the menu to decide what you would eat. Once that was done, you two quickly got to small talk.

“So are you from the netherlands? Your dutch is very good” He questioned

“Technically no, I was born and raised for a bit in America but my parents moved me here in high school”

“I see.. So how was-”

He was quickly cut off by his phone ringing off the hook. He had a privacy screen on his phone so you couldn’t see who it was. He apologized and walked off to take the call. You huffed and took a moment to look around. You locked eyes with the waiter who was coming your way. He asked if you were ready to order but asked for a few extra minutes. Apson soon came back, but did not sit back down. You gave him a concerned look.

“Hey i’m sorry, an emergency came up and i really have to go”

“Oh okay, I guess we can reschedule”

“Yea maybe”

He wasted no time and quickly rushed out of the restaurant. You looked down at the table and wondered if you had done something wrong or if you were just overthinking. You grabbed your stuff and headed out of the restaurant.

⋆.ೃ࿔*

Once you got home, you quickly slipped out of your dress and into some pajamas. You washed all your makeup off your face. You were drying your face and heard a buzz from your phone. You put the towel down and picked up your phone to read the notification.

joostklein liked your story

You threw your phone into the sink and leaned back against your bathroom wall. You stared at your phone like it was a huge scary bug. You gained the courage to grab your phone and look back at the notification, ensuring it was real. Your eyes widened the more you looked at it.

“Holy shit!”

⋆.ೃ࿔*

You spent all day staring at your phone, waiting for his next move. You questioned how he even found you considering you changed all your usernames since he left. Since it was right there, you took a peek at his page. He had changed his hair. It was no longer just a dirty blonde mess of grown out hair, it was now a platinum blonde mullet. He had no longer lived in hoodies. He had switched from his need for comfort to a need for style. The biggest change to you was that he had finally grown facial hair. He still had those gorgeous kind eyes that always drew you in. You scrolled further and found his concert clips, realizing he had actually obtained his dream. You had done one final scroll and that's where you had found the picture that had changed it all.

A photo of Joost in a blue suit with spiked shoulder pads and Apson in a blue bird suit

You were absolutely fuming. He was now going out of his way to fuck with your ability to move on despite being the one who left. You were tired of constantly invading every part of your life, even when he wasn’t actually there. You needed to take matters into your own hands. You clicked the message button on his profile and got to typing like a maniac.

fa3d0ll: Who the fuck do you think you are? You ruin my fucking date meanwhile you were the one who walked out on me. You thought a record deal was more important than your girlfriend. You chose to leave and now you think you have the privilege to invade my privacy and control my life. You walked out my life so please stay the fuck out of my life completely. I’m done with you

You huffed and put your phone down on the bed next to you. You closed your eyes, not expecting to get a response anytime soon. You were wrong. Your phone buzzed immediately. You darted your head up and checked your phone.

joostklein: Do you still live in the same apartment?

fa3d0ll: What?

Read 2:13 pm

You turned your head into your pillow and let out a muffled scream. At Least you know, he didn’t change or he arguably got worse.

⋆.ೃ࿔*

You dozed off after your conversation; if you could even call it a conversation, with Joost. The amount of frustration this man had filled you with made you extremely exhausted. He had taken a toll on your body and mind. You were deep into your dreams until you were woken up by the loud buzz of your doorbell. You groaned and got up from the couch and shuffled to the intercom.

“Who is it?” You questioned

“Open up” A familiar muffled husky voice came from the other side

Whatever sleepiness you still had in your system from your nap had immediately slipped away. Your stomach turned and your blood turned cold. Without a second thought, you let him in. You stood in front of your door waiting to hear his heavy footsteps draw near. You slowly opened your apartment door, revealing the tall blonde man. You couldn’t read his expression, he looked pissed yet slightly amused. Once he stood on the last step; you fully opened the door, practically welcoming him into your home. He walked past you and took a look around. 

“Looks nothing like the last time I was here”

“I needed a change of scenery”

He let out a scoff before heading into your kitchen. He looked through a few cabinets before finding where you kept your mugs. He looked around and frowned when he couldn’t find what he was looking for. He turned back around to you and gave you those sad puppy eyes that made you melt.

“Even got rid of my favorite mug”

“I did put all your stuff in boxes for you to pick up ..but obviously you didn’t care enough to come get them” You spat back

He nodded and turned back around to the cabinet. He grabbed a random mug and placed it in the cup holder of your coffee maker. He grabbed a k cup and placed it into the machine. You watched his every move as he navigated through your kitchen like he owned it. He stood there with his back to you as he watched the coffee pour into the mug. Once it was all poured out, he grabbed the mug and turnt back to you. He took a sip and eyed you over the lip of the mug. You rolled your eyes at him.

“So why are you here?”

He took his time and slowly lowered the mug from his face. He let the dark liquid dance on his tongue before swallowing it. He gently places the mug down and looks back at you.

“I heard you were dating again”

You took not even half the amount of time it took him to respond back

“Yea no shit sherlock”

“And of all people, you picked my best friend.. Ouch”

“Do you think I knew that when I started speaking to him?”

“Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t”

“I didn’t! If I knew I would have stayed far away from him”

He clutched his chest and pretended to be hurt

“Wow that one stung”

“Fuck off!”

“As much as I would love to.. I am more interested in catching up”

He picked up the mug once more and walked slowly towards the couch, not once taking his eyes off you. You followed after him. He plopped down into the middle cushion and you sat beside the armrest. He placed the mug onto the coffee table in front of him. His eyes scanned over your body, a smirk painting over  his lips once he met your eyes.

“You look good”

‘Thanks..”

He inched slightly closer, enough for you to almost not notice.

“So besides Apson.. Who have been the lucky guys?”

You stayed silent

“Come on! I might be your ex but I gotta know”

“There are none..” You whispered

“What was that?” He pushed

“There are none” You said louder but still hushed

“I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch that”

“There was none! I haven’t seen anyone since you left!”

His cocky demeanor dropped, noticing just how much it hurt you to admit it. His smirk wa gonna and he somehow didn’t have a quick and snarky rebuttal. He cleared his throat and threw the persona back on.

“No wonder you chose Apson, you were desperate!”

That was your last straw. You stood from the couch and crossed your arms over your chest. You focused on a random corner in the room to try and avoid crying.

“Get out..”

“What?”

“Get the fuck out of my apartment!”

“Wait wait!.. Shit i’m sorry I shouldn't have said that.. Sit down please”

HIs voice was hushed and not even a drop of smugness was in sight. You sighed before obliging. Once sat on the couch you looked up at him. You nodded at him to continue speaking.

“Have you missed me at all?”

“No”

“Don’t lie”

He always knew exactly how to read you, no matter how much you didn’t want to admit it. He inched closer. You refused to look at him, hating how vulnerable this felt.

“I did at the beginning.. But I had to move on” You finally looked up at him with a new found sense of (fake) confidence. He gave you a disappointed look and a small nod. He looked away from you, letting his eyes wander around once more. The silence in the room was deafening. He turned back to you and opened his mouth like he was about to speak, but you beat him to the chase.

“What have you been doing since?”

“Working on my music.. I’ve been doing a couple festivals-”

“No girls?” You cut him off

He quickly shut his mouth. He looked down in his lap with a guilty look on his face. You scoffed and hugged your knees. He looked back up at you, the guilt completely taking over his body language.

“It's funny how you’re so quick to judge me for being single when you can’t settle”

He buried his face in his hands and sighed heavily, then looked up at you with a look of desperation. He leaned closer to you and placed a hand on your knee. You slightly pulled back.

“Shit that's not what.. Look.. What I meant was-”

“I have a sad love life.. No, I get your message loud and clear!”

“No not at all.. Fuck!”

He took a moment to collect himself before finally continuing his sentence

“I'm such a hypocrite for saying that.. I haven’t even looked at another girl since everything. Fuck, you got a one up on me for going on a date”

He ran a hand through his hair, frustration evident in the way he sighed heavily. His eyes darted to the ground, avoiding your gaze, clearly torn. He looked back at your; His expression was a mix of regret and guilt. She crossed your arms, your posture stiffening as she watched him. your eyes narrowed, catching every subtle shift in his demeanor. your tongue poked the inside of your cheek, in disbelief of his words.

“You’re such a fucking liar”

“You really think I'm lying?” He stood up off the couch

She stood up as well

“Yea I do, there is no way that you; The one who walked out on me and was the ultimate bachelor before we got together, didn’t mess around  with a single person”

“Well there is a way!”

“There is no reason that would be true!”

“Well there is!”

“I’d love to hear it!”

“It's because I'm still in love with you!”

She froze, the response she had ready dying on your lips. your eyes widened, searching his face for any hint of insincerity, but she couldn’t find any. your breath hitched as she tried to process his words, your heart pounding in your chest. your hands, which had been clenched into fists, slowly relaxed, hanging limply by your sides. She took a step back then back in front of him.

She held eye contact with him, your breath catching as the tension between them grew so thick it was almost hard to breathe. Slowly, she moved closer, your pulse racing as the distance between them disappeared. His eyes flicked down to your lips, and without thinking, he moved the rest of the way, brushing your lips softly against his. The initial contact was hesitant, almost testy. He finally deepened the kiss, pulling you in with his hand on the small of your back. Your hands slid up to his shoulders, gripping him as if she was afraid he’d leave again. The bickering from before and heavy feelings had left. He pulled away and placed his hands on the sides of your face. He admired every inch of your face like it’d be the last time he’d get to look at it.

“I’ve missed you, Schat”

[apomaro-mellow]

okay yall convinced me to continue this

Eddie looked around and all he saw was black. Was this what death was like? He expected more people. But maybe death was just solitude. Then all of a sudden he wasn't alone.

He jumped back when he came face to face with, himself.

"What the fuck?"

His mirror image looked back and smirked. Then looked down at his hands.

"Finally."

"What the hell is going on here? Where am I? W-we?"

"Vecna is putting us back together. We can see everyone again soon."

"You mean...I'm not dead?"

"Oh we're very much alive. In fact, I'd say we're better than before."

As his mirror said that, Eddie felt a new energy thrumming in his veins.

"Why? Why would Vecna do this, I was tryina kill that bastard!"

"He wants something in return. To use us against them."

"Like hell that's gonna happen. I-"

"Didn't let myself get chomped on just so I could be used by an actual murderer."

"How did you-"

"Is it not obvious? I'm still you. But I'm the parts he wants to use. The part that's afraid of Vecna. Afraid of the world for seeing us for what we are. And angry at our lot in life. And ashamed for how we feel."

Eddie didn't respond. It was all a lot to take in. When his other self mentioned shame for feeling something, a certain face popped into his head.

"We're going to see him again. And this time, I'm going to take what I want."

"You put a hand on him and-" Eddie stopped himself. Not only did he feel pretty powerless here, he was never that good at restraining his own actions. "You touch him and he'll kick your ass."

---------------------

After his little stunt, Eddie/Kas found themselves tied up again, this time in Steve's garage. And this time with chains (duct tape boys? really?). Nancy also made sure his legs were chained to the chair and had a shotgun trained on him the whole time they talked.

"We're all sure he's real?", she asked, nudging his cheek with her barrel. She was the only one here to actually experience Vecna's illusions besides Max. She knew how convincing they could be.

"He's real", Jonathan said, a lighter ready just in case. "Steve and the others said so."

Nancy rifled through all the information she got when she received the code red. Something that looked like Eddie had returned. But it was very obviously NOT Eddie. Stronger, faster, more durable. And apparently was receiving orders directly from Vecna. He also apparently had a craving for flesh, having busted into the meat locker of a deli before being found.

"What's your game this time? Use our friend's face to trick us?", she questioned.

"Heh, it really warms our heart that you call us 'friend'. Guess quality time over quantity, huh?" He was smiling, like none of this was a threat to him. Knowing creatures of the Upside Down, it would take more than one bullet, but Nancy had plenty.

"I believe I laid down my terms with the others pretty clearly. I'll follow your rules, so long as Steve is the one to watch me."

"Why Steve?", Jonathan asked.

Kas grinned at him. "Steve's my favorite."

"Oh my god, shut up, shut up, shut up", Eddie lamented from their shared mental space.

While Nancy and Jonathan were handling that situation in the garage, Steve was trying to get a grip on what was happening in his house. They were practically running up the walls.

"Steve you don't understand!", Dustin exclaimed. "This is huge!"

"I don't see how a monster posing as Eddie is huge?"

"But they're not just posing. It IS Eddie", Mike said.

"We don't know that. Not until Nancy confirms it."

Will rolled his eyes. "Oh like she'd know. She talked to Eddie for what? A day?"

"Cut the sass. And if you can talk, you can move your hands." Steve handed Will the knife and pushed some peppers his way.

"The point is WE, you know the people who actually hung out with Eddie would know him better. We should be the ones interrogating him", Lucas said, actually doing his duty of buttering a casserole dish.

"The other point is we don't NEED to question him because we already know that it's actually Eddie", Dustin said. "Vecna wouldn't know who Kas is. Eddie's in there. And he's telling us that he's on our side."

"You remember what Max told us, right? Vecna gets in your head. He sees what you see, knows what you know." Steve took the dish from Lucas and poured some rice into it. "If he got to Eddie, then he knows what Eddie knows." When Will finished dicing, Steve took the knife and was about to wash it under running water when he heard someone approach.

"Is Mama Steve making dinner?"

Steve reacted first and thought second and the knife flew threw the air. Kas caught it easily and twirled the knife in his hand.

"Nice aim. Lemme guess, little league?"

Nancy and Jonathan were right behind him. Steve wanted to respond. Maybe ask 'what the hell? why isn't he tied up? Nancy where's your gun?' But the kids got to it first.

"Tell us everything!" Mike demanded.

Dustin started rallying off questions. "Are you actually Eddie? Just enhanced? Or like a split personality? Is it one that came naturally or one Vecna implanted? Is Eddie like inside of you? Can he come out?"

"All in due time", Kas said, walking by them all to get to Steve, who once again looked like a deer with a car coming straight on.

"We struck a deal, princess. Looks like we're roomies."

There was still at least a foot separating them yet Steve felt boxed in. It was the same sensation he got whenever Eddie talked to him and only him, but intensified.

"Umm, hope you like chicken and rice?"

Internally, Eddie was falling to his knees. Steve's cooking, Steve in the process of cooking, with his little chickadees orbiting him. It was a domestic scene too much for his pining heart and he was actually glad right now that he wasn't holding the reins. Falling to his knees for chicken and rice wasn't the best look for a metalhead.

"Eddie would love some", Kas said cooly.

--------------------------

Dinner was an odd affair. All of them trying to figure out Kas in their own way. Dustin and Mike with their blatant questions, Lucas telling them to cool it, Nancy with her more subtle line of questioning, Will trying to see if he could feel anything, and Jonathan trying to see if Will was effected.

Steve was the only one pointedly trying to ignore the man which was very difficult given that he was doing everything in his power to get his attention. His favorite move seemed to be nudging Steve's foot with his own, causing Steve to bump his knee against the table at least three times.

Eddie wanted to roll into a hole and die. He especially wanted to do so when Kas started eyeing Steve's leg, because he knew what was coming.

"No, absolutely not. He let you get away with this much. But he will rip of your hand for this", Eddie said.

"I think he'd let us get away with much more." So Kas went ahead and put his hand on Steve's thigh, making him jolt up from his chair.

So yeah, quite the interesting dinner.

After eating, they figured out a rotation schedule for watching him. Technically Steve was only on the schedule for six hours a day. But considering Kas would be at his house the entire time, they'd be spending a lot more time together.

The rest of them were getting ready to leave so that they could check in with the others, but Nancy hung back to talk to Steve semi-privately.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

Steve glanced at the mysterious figure that was masquerading as Eddie, who was openly leering at him while ignoring the children.

"I'll be..uh, I can hang in there Nance, don't worry."

Then everyone else left, leaving the two of them alone. Steve felt a little like caged prey. But he also felt like this version of Eddie wouldn't hurt him. Not physically at least. But that left other things to do to him and Steve was afraid to go down that rabbit hole of possibilities.

"It's just you and me, Steve."

Part 3A More plotty, fluffy, bit of angst

Part 3B Less plotty, more smutty

Tag team:

@jestyzesty

@mightbeasleep

@findafight

@spooky-mulders

[itendtothinkalot]

enough is enough!

summary: after being evicted from ur house, u move in with ur best friend yeonjun...who was also ur ex...things get a little wild after u realised that ur ex is a slob!! anger gets to the best of the two of u so he suggests ~something spicy~ to end the fighting! friends w benefits...but.........someones always bound to get hurt right?

genre: suggestive, no smut rly

characters: soobin x f!reader, fwb!yeonjun x f!reader, friends!txt

words: 8059

warnings: kinda suggestive! mentions of sex!!!

a/n: based on a himym ep i just watched hehe lol

“And you’re sure you’re okay with me moving in?” you asked, glancing up at Yeonjun, a hint of hesitation in your voice. 

“Yeah, come on, it’ll be fun! Just like old times,” he grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

“The old times? You mean when we were dating?” you said, rolling your eyes, half-amused, half-wary.

“Y’know, some people, knowingly Taehyun, might call this a bad idea, but we’re friends. Best friends even,” he insisted, emphasising the last part with a confident nod.

“I just don’t want anything to happen between us,” you confessed, your voice tinged with a quiet concern.

“And it won’t.”

“Promise?”

Yeonjun nodded earnestly, “Promise.”

That promise lasted a month and a half before the two of you started getting on each other’s nerves. 

To you, Yeonjun was the biggest slob on Earth—leaving small wrappers scattered around the living room, dirty cups abandoned on the coffee table, and worst of all, never using a coaster, a pet peeve that drove you mad.

On the other hand, from Yeonjun’s perspective, you were just as annoying—finishing the last bit of cereal without replacing it, taking the last of the milk and leaving the jug empty, and never bothering to replace the toilet roll. To him, it was like living with a miniature hurricane of small, infuriating habits.

“Fuck!” he groaned, yelling your name, marching out of the kitchen with the empty milk jug in hand. He shoved it in front of you, irritation evident on his face, while you sat on the couch, absorbed in your laptop, trying to catch up on work.

“Oh, like you didn’t leave a whole bunch of disgusting, unwashed cups on the coffee table that I had to clean last night?” you shot back, barely glancing up, your tone sharp with annoyance.

“You wanna play that game? Fine,” he huffed, folding his arms. “What about the Lucky Charms you polished off yesterday? Where’s the replacement you promised to get after work?”

And just like that, the bickering began. It didn’t make sense; the two of you dated a year or two ago, and back then, you practically lived at his place without any issues. You never fought like this. In fact, the relationship had ended on good terms, simply because you both wanted different things in life—no drama, no animosity.

Despite its short span of a year, you’d always considered it a successful relationship, one that left no lingering bitterness. But now, living together as friends, the constant arguing felt strange, like you were suddenly strangers, navigating a new and messy dynamic you never expected.

“STOP!” you yelled, cutting off Yeonjun’s rant mid-sentence. You were partly tired of listening to him, but mostly just eager to get back to your work. “We need to stop.”

“I know. This is getting exhausting,” Yeonjun agreed, his voice softer now, the frustration giving way to weariness. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want us fighting over stupid stuff like this.”

“We dated before. We lived together. And we never fought like this,” you pointed out, confusion lacing your words.

“I know…” Yeonjun sighed, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. “You know what it is?”

“What?”

“It’s the sex,” he said, almost too casually.

“What?”

“It’s the physical intimacy. It cancels out all this crap,” he explained, gesturing to the empty milk jug still on the counter.

You laughed, a mix of disbelief and amusement. “You’re joking.”

“Think about it!” he pressed, his tone playful yet surprisingly sincere. “Really…Think about it.”

Part of you wanted to dismiss it as sheer stupidity, but another part of you couldn’t help but acknowledge the truth in his words. Maybe it really was the physical intimacy that had always smoothed over the little annoyances, melting away any potential anger before it even started.

“So, what are you saying? We should have sex so we wouldn’t be fighting?” you teased, a playful grin spreading across your face.

Yeonjun chuckled, shaking his head. “Of course not! I was just making an observation.”

An awkward silence settled between you as the reality of the conversation hung in the air. You exchanged a glance, both unsure of what to make of this odd suggestion.

“That’s such a crazy idea,” you said, breaking the silence, though your voice wavered between disbelief and something else—something far more tempting.

You weren’t sure how it happened, but within minutes, you and Yeonjun had stumbled into the bedroom, pulled together by a sudden, undeniable desperation. His lips crashed against yours, and soon the two of you were tangled in an all-too-familiar routine you hadn’t revisited in over a year.

An hour later, you lay side by side, your bodies still pressed close, skin against skin, the weight of what had just happened settling in.

“Well… I definitely didn’t think I’d be doing that with you today,” you laughed, still catching your breath.

Yeonjun smirked, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve learned some new moves, haven’t you?”

“So have you, good sir!” you scoffed, playfully shoving his shoulder, but your cheeks flushed with warmth.

A pause lingered as you both stared at the ceiling, the air thick with unspoken thoughts.

“So…” Yeonjun began, his voice trailing off.

“So…” you echoed, not quite sure how to finish the sentence, but feeling the weight of everything that had shifted between you.

“Listen, if we’re gonna do this, then we’re gonna do it right. No feelings involved. This is purely just to keep our friendship intact.” Yeonjun said firmly, laying down the ground rules as he sat up in bed.

You nodded in agreement. “Of course. And we keep it a secret.”

“No one should, or will, know,” Yeonjun reiterated, his tone serious.

“But I do,” a voice interrupted.

Both of your heads snapped toward the door, where Taehyun stood, eyes wide with shock, clutching a bucket of popcorn like he was watching the most dramatic twist of a movie.

“What are you doing here?!” you and Yeonjun yelled in unison, scrambling to pull up the sheets.

“It’s movie night,” Taehyun replied, still stunned but clearly amused. “But it appears I’m in the movie.”

“What’s with all the screami—GOODNESS. COVER UP!” Beomgyu yelled, his face turning red as he stumbled backward, eyes wide at the sight of you and Yeonjun tangled up in bed.

“We are!” Yeonjun shot back, yanking the sheets higher. “The door was locked!”

“I have a key,” Beomgyu smirked, dangling it tauntingly.

“So, what is this? Are you guys back together or something? Should we pop the champagne?” he teased, then turned to Kai. “Also, you owe me 20 bucks, Kai.”

“Aw man,” Kai grumbled, reluctantly fishing into his pocket for his wallet.

“No!” you shouted, still clutching the blanket to your chest. “No one is getting back together.”

“So what is this, then?” Beomgyu asked, gesturing dramatically at the two of you, confusion and amusement mingling on his face.

“We’re just… under an agreement,” Yeonjun explained, though his voice wavered slightly under the weight of the stares.

“An agreement?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms. “What kind of messed-up agreement is this?”

“Hey, this isn’t all that bad!” Yeonjun defended, trying to lighten the tension. “We might be pioneers!”

“Pioneers?” Kai scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I hardly think sleeping with your ex-girlfriend is groundbreaking news.”

The two of you were abruptly yanked out of bed, barely given a moment to gather yourselves. Taehyun tossed a large shirt at you, his expression stern.

“We need to talk.”

“We don’t need to talk. This is between Yeonjun and me,” you snapped back, pulling the oversized shirt over your half-naked body.

Taehyun was your best friend. You were the closest to him among the rest of them. He was fiercely protective, with your stupidity, you needed someone like him.

“And what happens between you and Yeonjun affects the rest of us,” Taehyun argued, his frustration palpable.

You hated to admit that what Taehyun said was right. The six of you were obnoxiously close and you didn’t want anything bad to happen to any of you.

“It’ll be fine. We have rules,” you insisted, trying to brush off his concern.

“And what are those rules?” Taehyun seethed, his teeth clenched in worry. “I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Yeonjun and I are perfectly fine. We’re completely over each other,” you assured him, but your words felt more like a defensive shield than the truth.

You couldn’t see it, but Taehyun did. The tension, the complicated history, and the fragile boundaries were a recipe for disaster. Because in situations like this, no matter the promises or the rules, someone always got hurt.

Maybe it wouldn’t be you or Yeonjun but Taehyun was sure someone would be.

“What’s with the urgent text? I was in the middle of doing laundry and got SOS-ed by Kai,” Soobin announced as he walked in, his tall frame filling the doorway, looking bewildered.

All eyes turned to the newest arrival, and the room fell silent, tension hanging thick in the air. Soobin glanced around, his confusion growing as he took in the scene.

“YEONJUN AND HER ARE FUCKING!” Kai blurted out, shattering the awkward silence with his loud declaration.

“KA—” you and Yeonjun shouted in unison, your faces flushing with embarrassment and frustration.

Soobin turned his gaze toward the two of you, his expression a mix of shock and confusion. 

“Come again?” he asked, clearly struggling to process the chaos unfolding before him. His emotions were unreadable, adding another layer of tension to the already fraught situation.

“That’s amazing!” Soobin exclaimed, a wide grin spreading across his face. “That’s so cool!”

The others looked at him– confused.

“You’re joking, right?” Kai mumbled.

“At least someone in our group is finally getting some!” Soobin laughed and walked into the kitchen.

As Soobin and Taehyun headed toward the kitchen,the rest of you stayed in the room bickering about the incident.

And cue…the certain someone, Taehyun thought.

“You’re hurt,” Taehyun said quietly.

“What?” Soobin looked up, puzzled.

“You still have feelings for her, don’t you?” Taehyun pressed, his tone soft but insistent.

“No. I don’t. Did you not see me being all nonchalant about her having sex with my best friend?” Soobin’s words tumbled out in a rush. “That was me being nonchalant. I’m happy about it. I’m really, really happy.”

“You came to my apartment last week just to tell me you couldn’t get her out of your head,” Taehyun said.

“And those feelings are gone,” Soobin insisted, pouring himself a glass of champagne and downing it in one swift gulp. “I lost a LOL game to Beomgyu that day so maybe I was just drunk and emotional.”

“See, I didn’t mention anything about feelings.” Taehyun outwitted Soobin.

“You’re being an asshole.”

“And you’re projecting,” Taehyun replied, not convinced.

“Y’know, Taehyun, you might be a psychology major but you’re not a mind reader. So could you just take a seat? Maybe chill and not overanalyze my feelings. I’m fine! I’m better than fine. I’m happy for him. He’s getting some—like we all should.”

“Soobin—” Taehyun started to protest.

“I’m fine,” Soobin reiterated, cutting him off. 

Yeonjun and you settled on the sofa, facing the four of them who were perched on beanbags, their eyes fixed on you with a mix of curiosity and concern.

“So, how long has this been going on?” Taehyun asked as he sunk himself into the beanbag right next to Huening, his tone still probing.

“Literally just an hour ago,” you replied with a sigh, feeling exasperated by your overprotective, nosy friends.

“And do the two of you have feelings for each other?” Beomgyu pressed, leaning forward with interest.

“No!” Yeonjun sighed, his frustration evident. “We don’t.”

“So the both of you really think sex is the best solution to your little roommate issue?” Soobin raised an eyebrow, clearly sceptical.

“Well… it’s an idea,” Yeonjun replied slowly, his tone more thoughtful than convincing.

“It’s just… it’ll be fine! I’m sure of it!” you insisted, trying to sound more confident than you felt.

The following days were tough for Soobin.

Day 1

"Guess what?" Yeonjun threw an arm around Soobin's shoulders, grinning wide. "She forgot to get a replacement box of cereal, but don’t worry—I got something even sweeter in return." He added a playful wink.

"Haha, good one!" Soobin replied with a forced smile. "If you’ll excuse me." He stood up and walked out of the bar.

As he stepped onto the empty street, Soobin tried to hold it together. Once he was sure he was alone, he let out a loud scream of frustration, the sound echoing in the quiet night. Turning around, he noticed a man staring at him oddly.

“Sorry.”

Day 2

"One minute she's yelling that I'm taking too long in the shower, and the next, she jumps right in!" Yeonjun chuckled.

"That's... that's great," Soobin said, forcing a grin and giving Yeonjun a hearty pat on the back—maybe a little too hearty.

"Ouch! Dude, have you been hitting the gym?" Yeonjun winced.

"Yeah, something like that," Soobin replied with a tight smile. "If you’ll excuse me."

He stepped out into the same alleyway and let out a loud scream of frustration. 

Day 3

“Sorry, I’m late. Guess who forgot to wash the damn cups again,” Yeonjun chuckled, shaking his head in mock frustration. He then took a seat next to Kai, who had started talking animatedly about something that happened at work.

Before Soobin could retreat to the familiar alleyway to release his frustration, Taehyun grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

“I’m not about to let you disappear into the alley just to let out a horrifying scream, we can all hear you by the way.” Taehyun said firmly. 

“You can?” Soobin’s cheeks pinked.

“Yes. It’s embarrassing.”

“Oh.”

It’s clear you still like her. You could put an end to this.”

“I don’t like her,” Soobin sighed, frustration evident in his voice.

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Yes, you do!”

“I don’t like her!”

“Who are we talking about?” you asked, popping up behind the two of them, causing Taehyun to jump and let out a startled scream.

“No one,” the two of them replied in unison.

You raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced. “Sure. Hey Soobin, can you help me with something at the apartment?”

Soobin’s tone was almost bitter as he responded, “You can’t ask Yeonjun to help you?” It was clear that something was bothering him.

“Oh, I just…” you said, hurt flashing in your eyes. “I’m sorry, I’ll ask Beomgyu then.”

Seeing the hurt in your eyes, Soobin immediately felt a pang of regret. His heart ached at the thought of having hurt you.

“I’m sorry. I just… had a bad day at work. Of course, I’ll help you.”

You hesitated, your voice careful, “I don’t want to bother you.”

“You never have,” Soobin said, his smile genuine and warm.

You returned his smile, feeling a wave of relief and warmth. “Thanks, Soobin. I really appreciate it.”

“C’mon,” Soobin said, extending a hand toward you. “Let’s get this done.”

As you both walked out of the bar and made your way to the apartment, the earlier tension began to fade. The familiar route was only a five-minute walk, and the comforting rhythm of your footsteps helped soothe the day’s frustrations.

Once inside the apartment, you turned to Soobin with a hesitant expression. “So… I have an assignment due next week, and it’s something I don’t even want to bring up in front of the other guys.”

“Oh, what is it about?” Soobin asked, curiosity piqued.

“Well, uh… it’s conducting an interview…” Your voice trailed off, and you looked away, clearly embarrassed by the following words.

“About?”

“Here,” you said, handing him a folder. “I can’t read it out loud.”

Soobin took the folder and read the assignment quietly to himself. “Conduct an interview with someone you’ve known that you admire.”

He glanced up at you, a mixture of surprise and understanding in his eyes. “So, who are you thinking of interviewing?”

You looked at him, laughing softly, “Uh– you actually.”

Soobin blinked in surprise, his expression shifting to one of genuine curiosity and a hint of flattery. “Me? Really?”

You nodded, smiling warmly. “Yeah. You’re always so strong. I mean, you cry a lot, but you’re strong. You show your emotions and you’re honest about how you feel. It’s one of the things I really like about you.”

Soobin gulped, feeling a rush of nervousness. His heart raced faster than it ever had. Though the two of you were close, most of your conversations were light-hearted and filled with jokes. Even deep talks typically involved the rest of the group. But this—this was an intimate moment, a conversation that felt deeply personal.

He was locking away the realization of his feelings for you, feelings he had only recently admitted to himself and discussed with Taehyun.

“I—uh...” Soobin’s words stumbled as he tried to process the unexpected compliment.

“It’s weird to hear nice things about yourself,” you said, your voice gentle. “But you should still know.”

Soobin’s cheeks reddened, a faint blush spreading across his face. “You’re really something else,” he said.

“So, uh… the interview?” you asked, trying to lighten the mood. “You’re okay with it? You’re kinda my last hope before I move on to Beomgyu.”

Soobin laughed, the tension easing as he replied, “Yeah, I’m cool with it.”

The mood lightened, and soon the two of you were caught up in laughter, exchanging funny stories like one in particular where Beomgyu fell off his bike and peed in his pants. 

As the laughter died down, you noticed an eyelash on Soobin’s cheek, fluttering near his eye. “Wait, you’ve got an eyelash,” you said, reaching up instinctively. “Hold still.”

Soobin stilled, his eyes focused on you as you leaned in closer, carefully brushing the eyelash off his face. Your fingers lingered for a moment longer than necessary, your touch soft against his skin. As you pulled back, your faces were mere inches apart, the playful atmosphere suddenly shifting into something deeper.

You both froze, eyes locking. The world around you seemed to fade away, and all you could focus on was the softness of his gaze and the sudden, undeniable pull between you. Soobin’s breath hitched, his eyes flickering to your lips, the playful smile now replaced by something more intense.

Without thinking, Soobin leaned in, his hand gently cupping the back of your head. Your heart raced as you found yourself mirroring his movement, tilting your head slightly, drawn to him like a magnet. Your breaths mingled, and the proximity was dizzying—your lips were just a breath away from meeting when—

The door burst open, and Taehyun barged in, his voice loud and casual. “Hey, Soobin, did you see the—oh.” He stopped dead, taking in the scene before him, his eyes widening in surprise.

Soobin jumped back, clearing his throat awkwardly as the moment shattered. You quickly stepped away, your cheeks flushing in embarrassment as Taehyun stared at the two of you, completely oblivious to the intimate moment he’d just interrupted.

Day 4

Yeonjun sighed and sprawled out on the sofa, looking unusually restless. “I’m bored,” he said, glancing over at you with an exaggerated pout.

“What does that have to do with me?” you asked, your eyes fixed on the screen as you typed away.

“Well, we could…” Yeonjun began, his tone playful and full of mischief, a glint in his eye suggesting he had something entertaining in mind.

“Don’t even think about it. I’m in the zone,” you replied, waving a hand dismissively while remaining focused on your work.

“I wasn’t saying anything.” Yeonjun shrugged, but then his face lit up with a sudden realization. “Oh shit, I’m late for work!” He jumped up from the sofa, hurriedly grabbing his bag from the floor and shoving his phone into his pocket. “I’ll get going!”

“Sure! Be safe!” you called out, barely glancing up.

Yeonjun paused at the door, a spontaneous impulse catching him. He dashed back to you, leaned in, and pressed his lips against yours in a quick, unexpected kiss. “Bye!” he said, before rushing out the door.

You stood there, your eyes widening in surprise and confusion, “Oh no.”

From just outside the door, Yeonjun’s voice came back, sounding almost comically distressed, “Oh no.”

Day 5

“And I kissed her,” Yeonjun’s frustration was evident as he recounted the awkward incident to Soobin, who was barely able to hide his jealousy. Soobin’s expression tightened, his jaw clenched as he tried to mask his emotions.

“So you like her?” Soobin asked, his voice laced with a hint of fear, not quite sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“No! I just… I think maybe it was just leftover reflexes from when we were dating,” Yeonjun said, shrugging as if trying to convince himself more than Soobin.

“You know what? I think it’s the perfect time to end this little arrangement,” Soobin said, wincing slightly. “She might get the wrong idea, and you definitely don’t want that, do you?”

“Oh, fuck no!” Yeonjun shook his head quickly. “We’re better off as friends. Sure, she’s funny, pretty, and not gonna lie, she’s almost animalistic in bed, it’s like sh—”

“I don’t really need or want to know,” Soobin cut him off, shaking his head in discomfort.

“Oh right. But yeah…we’re just better off as friends.” Yeonjun trailed off, lost in thought. “I gotta end it.”

—------

“It was weird! Are you kidding me?” you sighed, pacing back and forth, your mind racing. “It felt like incest.”

“Incest is a harsh word considering the two of you literally fuck all the time.”

“Right…”

Taehyun watched you with a knowing look, arms crossed as he leaned against the wall. “Well, end it! I told you—this wasn’t a good idea.”

You stopped in your tracks, frustration boiling over, but beneath it was something you didn’t want to admit—how much the almost-kiss with Soobin had affected you. You replayed the moment in your mind: the way Soobin looked at you, the way your heart fluttered like never before. It wasn’t just the kiss that was weird—it was the rush of emotions that came with it, emotions you hadn’t allowed yourself to fully feel until now.

You rubbed your temples, a sigh escaping your lips. “Fine. You were right. I gotta end it.” The words felt heavy, the reality of moving on from whatever you had with Yeonjun suddenly feeling insignificant compared to the new, confusing feelings stirring for Soobin.

Back at home, you sat across from Yeonjun, both of you feeling the weight of the conversation that had been long overdue. You laid out your concerns, talking openly about the awkwardness of the recent kiss and the boundaries that had become increasingly blurred. Yeonjun nodded along, echoing the very same feelings you had been grappling with.

“So we agree…we should just talk it out. Just like regular roommates,” Yeonjun said, leaning back in his chair, his tone uncharacteristically serious.

“Yeah,” you nodded, relieved to find that you were both on the same page. “No more…whatever this is. Just friends. Just roommates.”

Yeonjun ran a hand through his hair, letting out a small laugh. “I mean, it was fun while it lasted, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s better this way,” you smiled, feeling a sense of closure. “No more mixed signals or weird moments.”

“Agreed,” Yeonjun said, offering you a reassuring smile. “We’re still good?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” You smiled back, feeling a bit lighter now that everything was out in the open. 

As you wrapped up your conversation with Yeonjun, you felt a wave of relief wash over you. The awkwardness of your past situation seemed to fade, replaced by a renewed sense of friendship. You were both on the same page, ready to move forward and leave the confusing feelings behind.

Later that day, you found yourself in the common area of the apartment, scrolling absentmindedly on your phone when you overheard Beomgyu’s voice drifting from the kitchen. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the mention of Soobin’s name immediately caught your attention.

“Trust me, man, she’s perfect for you!” Beomgyu’s voice was enthusiastic, almost teasing. “You need to loosen up a little. A date is just what you need.”

Soobin’s voice followed, sounding less certain. “I don’t know, Beomgyu… I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.”

“Oh, come on! You’ve been single for too long. Besides, this girl is great. You’ll have fun. Just one date. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Your heart sank as the realization hit you—Beomgyu had set Soobin up on a date. You peeked around the corner, seeing Soobin rubbing the back of his neck, looking both hesitant and slightly amused.

“Alright, fine. I’ll go,” Soobin finally conceded, though he still seemed unsure. “But you owe me if this goes badly.”

Beomgyu grinned, patting Soobin on the back. “Trust me, you won’t regret it!”

You shook your head, scolding yourself internally. Get a grip, you thought. He’s free to do whatever he wants. Yet, despite the logical reasoning, the sight of him being set up by Beomgyu for a date left an ache in your heart.

Your mind drifted back to all the moments you had shared—the late-night talks, the inside jokes, the quiet glances that lingered just a little too long. It felt different with Soobin, something softer and unspoken. You told yourself you were just friends, but now, seeing him take even the smallest step toward someone else, you couldn’t help but wonder if you had been lying to yourself all along.

You tried to swallow the lump in your throat, brushing off the unease that had settled in your chest. But as Soobin walked away, you couldn’t ignore the nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, you wanted him to be more than just your friend.

The first few days after your conversation were smooth, almost idyllic. Both you and Yeonjun fell into a comfortable routine as roommates, swapping chores like a well-oiled machine. You kept the milk and cereal stocked, and Yeonjun diligently tidied up. It was good—a refreshing change from the chaotic back-and-forth you’d fallen into.

But as they say, old habits die hard.

Yeonjun’s voice suddenly echoed down the hallway, his tone laced with annoyance. “YOU FORGOT THE TOILET PAPER AGAIN!”

You sighed, knowing this was just a flashback to the petty arguments you used to have. It was always the little things that set Yeonjun off, and today was no different. Without thinking, and in a moment of sheer impulsiveness, you pulled up your shirt, flashing him from across the room.

Yeonjun’s eyes widened in shock, his irritation momentarily forgotten. “What the—” he stammered, caught off guard, his expression shifting rapidly between confusion and amusement. But as the moment lingered, the tension simmering beneath the surface became impossible to ignore.

Without warning, he crossed the distance between you in one swift motion. His hands found your waist, pulling you close in one fluid movement before you could even react. Then, in a sudden, unrestrained rush, he crashed his lips against yours. The next thing you knew, your clothes were discarded carelessly on the floor, lost in the heat of the moment.

“God. We have to stop barging in like this,” Taehyun’s exasperated voice cut through the haze.

Both your heads snapped toward the door, where your friends stood frozen in shock—eyes wide, mouths agape. You screamed, scrambling to hide behind Yeonjun as he instinctively moved to shield you.

Yeonjun’s face turned beet red, his mind racing between anger and embarrassment. “I really need to get those keys back,” he muttered, shooting an accusing glare at Beomgyu, who only offered a mischievous smirk in return.

“Oh, how fun! This is still going on!” Soobin chimed in, his voice dripping with feigned excitement that barely masked the bitterness underneath.

The tension in the room was palpable. Your eyes darted between the four of them, each reaction more uncomfortable than the last. Beomgyu and Kai looked amused, Taehyun rubbed his temples in disbelief, and Soobin…Soobin’s forced smile was a poor cover for the hurt he clearly felt, a flash of pain that stung more than he’d ever admit.

Yeonjun cleared his throat, trying to regain some semblance of composure. “Could you all, maybe, not do this right now?” he said, half-joking, half-serious.

The two of you scrambled to get dressed, fumbling awkwardly with your clothes as you avoided the judgmental stares from your friends. The door swung shut behind the group as they stepped back into the hallway, exchanging glances.

Beomgyu was the first to break the silence, his voice tinged with exasperation. “Well, that was… something. Did not need to see that. Again.”

Taehyun rubbed his temples, letting out a heavy sigh. “This is exactly why I told them not to get involved like this. They’re just gonna complicate everything.”

Soobin was staring blankly at the floor, arms crossed tightly over his chest.

Kai nodded, his usual playful demeanor replaced by genuine concern. “They think it’s all fun and games, but once feelings get mixed up, it’s not just the two of them that get hurt. We’re all in this.”

“So, what happens when it gets messy? They break up, can’t stand to live together, and then we’re stuck picking sides?” Taehyun continued, his tone edged with worry. “We’ve been through enough to know that these things never stay simple.”

“Exactly.” Soobin’s voice wavered slightly, betraying the mix of emotions he was trying to suppress. “They can laugh it off now, but what about later? What if one of them wants more and the other doesn’t? It’s not just a fling anymore—it’s risking years of friendship for a few moments.”

Beomgyu leaned against the wall, a frustrated sigh escaping his lips. “I get it—they’re grown-ups and can make their own decisions. But come on, they’re not thinking clearly. They’re just getting swept up in the heat of the moment.”

Kai, his usual laid-back demeanor replaced by a rare seriousness, crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “Yeah, well, they should know better. This isn’t some casual fling; it’s going to mess with our entire group dynamic.”

Beomgyu nodded, half-smirking. “I mean, can you blame Yeonjun? She’s kinda hot. I kind of get where he’s coming from.”

Taehyun shot Beomgyu an incredulous look before shoving him, not too hard, but enough to get the message across. “Dude, that’s our best friend you’re talking about.”

Beomgyu held up his hands defensively, still lounging against the wall. “Hey, it’s a compliment! I’m just saying, I understand why they’re doing what they’re doing. But it doesn’t mean it’s smart.”

Kai shook his head, his brows furrowing in concern. “They’re playing with fire. This whole thing could blow up in their faces and take the rest of us down with it. We’re supposed to be friends first, not…whatever this is.”

Soobin sighed, standing off to the side as he listened to his friends debate the mess unfolding before them. He knew staying silent was his best option; anything he said would be tainted by the jealousy burning inside him. Jealousy that twisted his gut every time he saw Yeonjun’s hands on you, every time he watched Yeonjun get to touch you, hold you, kiss you.

He wanted that. No, he needed that. He craved the closeness Yeonjun took for granted, the effortless way Yeonjun could call you pretty, and the comfort of being the one you turned to when you were feeling sad, happy, or even angry. Soobin wanted to be your person, the one who made you laugh and feel safe. But this tangled situation with Yeonjun was tearing him apart, constantly reminding him that he was on the outside looking in.

The more he watched, the more it hurt. All he could do was bottle up his feelings, pretend like everything was fine, and hope that somehow, he could find a way to be the person you needed. But right now, all he felt was powerless and envious, trapped in a painful cycle of wanting what he couldn’t have.

But enough was enough. Soobin's frustration reached its breaking point. Without a word, he abruptly stood up and fled the apartment, leaving his friends stunned and puzzled by his sudden departure.

He hurriedly made his way to his car, the engine roaring to life as he sped off into the night. His mind raced as he drove to the nearest store, determined to take control of the situation.

——

Yeonjun arrived home after a grueling day at work, his exhaustion evident as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. He was surprised to find Soobin wearing rubber gloves and scrubbing the kitchen counter.

“Hey! You’re home!” Soobin greeted with a cheerful wave.

Yeonjun raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Soobin? What are you doing here?”

“Cleaning!” Soobin said with a grin. “I got those pesky rings on the table cleaned up.” He proudly pointed to the now spotless table where the coaster marks had disappeared.

“And… you’re gonna love this,” Soobin continued, pulling Yeonjun into the kitchen.

“What?” Yeonjun asked, intrigued.

“Open the fridge,” Soobin instructed, his eyes gleaming with excitement.

Yeonjun scratched his head but complied, opening the refrigerator door. His eyes widened at the sight of it lined with jugs of milk and a fully stocked shelf of cereal.

“And a year’s supply of cereal,” Soobin added, beaming. “You’re welcome.”

Yeonjun chuckled, clearly impressed. “Wow, Soobin. This is…you did this for us..?”

As Yeonjun took in the scene, a realization began to dawn on him. He glanced at Soobin, piecing together the effort behind the gesture. There was something more behind Soobin’s enthusiasm, a hidden motive.

“Soobin,” Yeonjun began, a hint of curiosity in his voice. “Is this about… you know, the situation with me and her?”

Soobin’s cheeks flushed slightly, and he quickly shrugged it off. “No? What? Why would it be? I just hate seeing my best friends fight all the time!”

Yeonjun studied Soobin’s evasive response, noting the embarrassment in his demeanor. “I see. Well, I appreciate the help. Really.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Soobin said, brushing off the conversation with a casual wave. “Just thought I’d pitch in.”

Yeonjun nodded, sensing that Soobin was holding back but choosing to let it slide for now. “Are you sure it’s not about her—”

“Yes. I’m sure,” Soobin cut him off, his voice tense and defensive.

Yeonjun paused, watching Soobin closely before continuing. “Look, Soobin, if you do have feelings for her—”

“But I don’t—” Soobin insisted, though his voice wavered slightly, betraying the truth he was desperately trying to hide.

“And I’m saying if you do,” Yeonjun pressed on, unrelenting but gentle. “I’m okay with it. You’re my best friend, and so is she. You’re both great people, and I’d feel like absolute crap if I was the reason you didn’t go after her.”

Soobin stayed quiet, his mind a whirlwind of emotions. He wanted to deny it, to push away the feelings that had been simmering just beneath the surface, but Yeonjun’s words struck a chord. 

Yeonjun sighed, his tone softer now. “I’ve seen the way you look at her, Soobin. And, honestly, I think she looks at you the same way. If there’s something there, don’t waste it just because you’re scared of messing things up.”

Soobin stared at the ground, his thoughts racing. He wanted to argue, to brush it off as nothing, but Yeonjun’s understanding was disarming. It was hard to keep pretending when even his best friend could see right through him.

“And I’m sorry for doing all this shit,” Yeonjun continued, his voice laced with genuine regret. “I should’ve trusted my gut and realized you liked her sooner. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have started this whole mess.”

Soobin looked up, his eyes meeting Yeonjun’s. The guilt was evident on Yeonjun’s face, and it was clear that his friend wasn’t just apologizing for the recent chaos, but for unintentionally standing in the way of something deeper.

“It’s not your fault,” Soobin finally said, his voice quieter now. “You couldn’t have known. And I didn’t exactly make it obvious.”

Yeonjun sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Still. You’re important to me, and so is she. I never wanted to put you in this position, especially over something that...honestly? It was never gonna be more than what it was.”

Soobin nodded, appreciating the honesty. Despite the jealousy that had been eating away at him, it was hard to stay angry when Yeonjun was just being...Yeonjun—messy but sincere.

“I don’t blame you,” Soobin admitted, feeling a mix of relief and anxiety. “But maybe it’s time I stop blaming myself too.”

——

“Yeonjun, we can’t keep doing this,” you said, your voice tinged with frustration and concern. “We’re making our friends uncomfortable and unhappy. And truthfully, what we’re doing… sure, it makes us feel good. Feel great. Feel satisfied. Y’know when your hands just —” Your thoughts briefly wandered to how amazing Yeonjun made you feel, but you quickly refocused on the conversation at hand.

Yeonjun smirked, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Sweetheart, you’re not finishing your sentence.”

“Oh right,” you stammered, your cheeks flushing with heat. “I mean… uh, we shouldn’t continue.”

Yeonjun’s smirk faded as his expression grew more serious, a knowing look in his eyes. “It’s Soobin, isn’t it?”

Your head snapped up, confusion and surprise evident in your eyes. “Huh?”

“You don’t really care what the others think. You care about what Soobin thinks,” Yeonjun said, his gaze steady and unflinching.

“I—” you started, but the words caught in your throat. The truth was, you didn’t want to admit it—not to Yeonjun, and maybe not even to yourself.

“Oh, come on. Do you really think I don’t notice the way you look at him? You used to look at me like that,” Yeonjun said with a laugh, though his voice carried a trace of sadness. “You’re not fooling anyone.”

You shook your head, desperately trying to deny it. “It’s not like that. I just… I don’t want to ruin our friendship. When we broke up, it was a miracle that our group didn’t fall apart.”

“That’s because we were meant to be just friends,” Yeonjun said, shaking his head. “Look, I’m an asshole. I’m not gonna lie and say seeing you clearly have feelings for Soobin doesn’t sting. It does. We dated a few years back, but that was a long time ago. Maybe me initiating this stupid arrangement was a way for me to see if I still had feelings for you. But I ended up having so much fun I forgot the initial intent.”

You looked at him, feeling a mixture of relief and regret. “I’m sorry, Yeonjun. I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Yeonjun shrugged, managing a small, understanding smile. “It’s okay. We both needed this to figure things out. I think it’s time we end this and move forward.”

The two of you fell into a heavy silence, the weight of unspoken feelings lingering between you.

After a moment, Yeonjun broke the quiet. “And… you should really give Soobin a chance.”

Your eyes flickered with uncertainty, your fingers nervously fidgeting with the edge of your sleeve. “I don’t want to ruin the dynamic of our friendship. We’ve all been through so much together.”

Yeonjun leaned back, studying you thoughtfully. “I get that, but sometimes the best things come from taking a risk. Soobin cares about you—a lot. Anyone can see that.”

“But what if it doesn’t work out? What if everything falls apart?” you asked, your voice soft and laced with doubt.

Yeonjun sighed, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. “You can’t live in fear of what-ifs. Soobin’s a good guy, and I think you know that. And honestly, I think you two could be really good together. Better than this… whatever we’ve been doing.”

Your defenses finally crumbled, and you found yourself nodding, the truth finally slipping past your lips. “You’re right. I like Soobin. I’ve been trying to deny it, but I do. I really do.”

Yeonjun squeezed your shoulder, his smile bittersweet. “Then go for it. You deserve to be happy.”

—-

You didn’t know what gave you the courage, but somehow, you found yourself standing outside Soobin’s apartment, your heart pounding in your chest. Your things were packed hastily in a luggage bag that sat heavily beside you, mirroring the weight of the decision you’d just made. You took a deep breath, raised your hand, and knocked on the door.

After a moment, the door swung open, and Soobin stood before you, his expression immediately shifting to one of confusion. He blinked, taking in the sight of you on his doorstep, luggage in tow.

He called your name, his voice laced with surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“I… uh,” you hesitated, your pulse quickening as you looked into his eyes. “I kinda need a new roommate.”

Soobin’s brow furrowed in confusion as he glanced at the bag beside you, his mind racing to piece together the suddenness of your arrival. You could see a mix of emotions flash across his face—concern, curiosity, and something else you couldn’t quite place.

“Are you serious?” he asked, his voice softening as he stepped aside to let you in, still trying to process why you were here.

You nodded, swallowing hard. “Yeah. I just… I needed a change. And you have an extra room…right?”

Soobin stared at you for a moment, still trying to wrap his head around what was happening, before finally nodding, a small, hopeful smile tugging at his lips. “Well then… welcome home.”

“It’s… clean,” you muttered, glancing around the spotless apartment. The floors were polished, surfaces gleamed, and everything was neatly in place. “I don’t think any agreement would be necessary,” you joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Soobin winced slightly, rubbing the back of his neck, clearly still a bit thrown by your sudden arrival. “Yeah. Hopefully not.”

You hesitated, a playful thought crossing your mind, but your nerves made your voice barely audible. “Or… a different agreement could take place,” you mumbled under your breath, almost hoping he wouldn’t hear it.

“What?” Soobin asked, his head tilting slightly as he caught the tail end of your words.

“Nothing,” you quickly blurted out, feeling your cheeks heat up. Your sudden burst of courage had already wavered, leaving you flustered.

Soobin narrowed his eyes, clearly not convinced. “Sorry, it just sounded like you said—”

“Nothing,” you repeated, your nervous laugh masking the tension between you. You avoided his gaze, feeling your heart race faster with every second.

Soobin watched you carefully, his expression softening. “I’d be up for it,” he said, his voice low.

You blinked, caught off guard. “Huh?”

“Our own agreement,” Soobin clarified, his tone steady, though his eyes were filled with something much deeper. “That is.”

You shook your head, still confused. “Wait… what?”

“An agreement where I get to kiss you,” he said, stepping closer, his presence warm and intoxicating. He took your duffel bag from your grip and set it gently on the floor, never breaking eye contact.

“Where I get to hug you,” he continued, his fingers brushing against your arm, sending shivers down your spine as he closed the distance between you.

“Where I get to tell you how pretty you look when you’re wearing my shirt as a nightdress,” Soobin murmured, his gaze lingering on you, his breath warm against your skin. He leaned in, his lips just a breath away from yours.

“Where I call you mine,” he whispered, his words brushing your ear, sending a thrilling rush through you that made your pulse quicken.

The room felt smaller, the air charged with the weight of his confession. Your heart pounded as you looked up at him, realizing that maybe this was the agreement you’d been hoping for all along.

“Are you…” He whispered. “up for it?”

You gulped, suddenly feeling shyer than usual, your usual bravado slipping away. Soobin’s presence was magnetic, and his unexpected confidence caught you off guard. You looked up at him, his demeanor more assured, more intense than you’d ever seen before. There was something about it—about him—that made your pulse race. He looked undeniably attractive, and the realization hit you harder than you expected.

It was kind of sexy, to say the least. You found yourself drawn to the way his eyes lingered on you, the way his voice dropped just a little deeper when he spoke. The tension between you crackled, charged with something new, something you both wanted but hadn’t dared to admit until now.

You nodded slowly, your heart racing at the intensity of the moment. Soobin's smirk grew, his eyes locked onto yours with an intense gaze. “Yeonjun once described you as ‘animalistic in bed.’” His tone was a mix of intrigue and a hint of jealousy, though it was clear he was struggling with the comparison. “Although it pained me to hear that from him, I’d like to see that side of you.”

Your breath hitched, a mixture of surprise and anticipation flooding your senses.

“Except…” Soobin leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a low, seductive whisper, “I want what we have to be different. I want it to be entirely better than what you and Yeonjun ever had.” His confidence seemed to grow with every word he spoke, his gaze never leaving yours.

“I want what we have to be love,” Soobin finalized, his voice soft yet resolute. His eyes held a tender intensity as he took a step closer, closing the remaining distance between you.

“What do you say?” Soobin asked, his eyes softening

You felt silenced, overwhelmed by a surge of emotions. The desire you’d suppressed for so long now bubbled to the surface. 

Every word Soobin spoke resonated deeply within you.

Finally, gathering your courage, you looked up at him, your voice barely more than a whisper. 

“I want that too.” 

Soobin’s face broke into a genuine smile, his eyes lighting up with relief and joy.

 He reached out, gently cupping your face in his hands. “Then let’s make it real.” 

With that, he leaned in, his lips meeting yours in a kiss. The kiss started off sweetly before it became rougher and desperate by the minute.

Soobin’s hands moved to your waist, pulling you closer, while your arms wrapped around his neck, urging him to hold you tighter.

Breathless, you pulled away slightly, biting Soobin’s lip playfully before detaching yourself from him. You looked up at him, your eyes still clouded with passion. “I should unpack,” you panted, trying to catch your breath.

Soobin grinned, his eyes still sparkling with the thrill of the moment. “Yeah, right…that doesn’t really mean I’m done with this,” he said, his tone teasing.

You rolled your eyes, “So where’s my room?” 

“Your room?”

You nodded.

“You’re sleeping with me!” Soobin perked up.

“You’re insane. We’re not even dating yet.”

Soobin pouted playfully, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall. “We just haven’t made it official yet.”

You rolled your eyes, trying to hide the smile tugging at your lips. “Soobin, we kissed once. Once. And all you did was tell me you wanted me.”

Soobin shrugged, a smug grin spreading across his face. “Yeah, but I meant every word. Besides, I’ve wanted you for way longer than just that one kiss.” He stepped closer, his expression turning sincere. “And I’m not gonna pretend otherwise.”

You shook your head, amused but touched by his confidence. “You really don’t know how to take things slow, do you?”

“Not when it comes to you.” Soobin’s voice softened as he looked at you, his eyes full of affection. “But if you want to take your time, I’ll wait. I just… I want you to know where I stand.”

For a moment, the teasing vanished, replaced by a quiet, vulnerable honesty. You couldn’t help but be drawn to it. You sighed, playfully nudging him. “Fine, but you’re not getting my side of the bed.”

Soobin chuckled, pulling you close again. “As long as you’re in it, I’ll take whatever side you leave me.”

[moonlit-escape]

★彡 ˙🌱. ¡! Vylad Mystreet headcanons !!

the second character i fell in love with. how cruel it is that he has fuck all going for him. I'll fix that.

korean and white

pansexual (actually this one is just canon) (cole petty ily)

doesn't have like a set label for his gender, and is cool with anything people wanna see him as

will try anything once

will put anything in his mouth

can sleep literally anywhere

i think this man might be the most laid-back, flexible person on the planet.

except towards geese because fuck those things

any time he has slept in a park he has made sure there were no geese around because those fuckers have stolen his stuff before and made him watch as they drowned it

listens to the most underground shit you've never heard and it all slaps (i didnt add this kind of stuff to his playlist though bc i wanted it to. make sense.)

also just listens to underrated music in general (includes just underrated songs from super popular bands)

currently holds an award for being the "funniest man on mystreet" and he didn't even have residency there

kind of has random visions about his friends in his sleep, but he just thinks they're normal dreams and that he misses his friends a lot (oh little does he know.)

used to say the most cryptic shit as a kid and freak his brothers out

being friends with vylad as a kid mustve been the weirdest experience. the kid eats glue, dirt, and moss, befriends frogs, crows, and moths, tells you you've suffered immense turmoil in a past life completely sincerely, and then infodumps about the entire history and process of typewriters for some fuckin reason

im 100% sure all three of the boys have autism and they got it from zianna

while he doesn't really want to connect himself to the ro'meave name (mainly bc of garte), he does love his family to death and sends his mom and brothers post cards every once in a while (when he remembers, mostly)

doesn't really reach out to his family any other way and neither do they. which he understands; communication is a two-way street

tries to stay positive and practice a healthy mindset and self-image, even and especially when he feels his insecurities and sense of self-worth creeping in

knows how to fish with nothing but a shoestring and a good fuckin stick

Loves pickin up good fuckin sticks

also cool rocks

he collects cool rocks from all the places he visits and keeps them in an old jewelry box. he keeps special ones he plans on giving to his friends in the top part of it

always making friends with stray dogs, cats, rats, raccoons, and opossums. someone stop him

has a johnny stein hotel transylvania relationship with his backpack (it literally has everything he owns in it)

knows how to fix and alter clothes

he knows how to do a lotta shit, alright. i don't think you'll find a craftier little guy than vylad ro'meave

except when it comes to fixing a water heater or anything to do with pipes or electrical tbh he hasn't lived in a house in a While

i'm obsessed w the idea that zane had spent so much time and effort trying to get gene to notice him meanwhile vylad enters gene's peripherals for 2.5 seconds and gene's like I Want Him.

poor vylad can't get on zane's better side for shit

owns a few skirts and dresses and high-heeled boots because he can wear whatever he wants

goes to ren faires whenever he can honestly. sometimes as a job!

when his hair gets too long he ties it back into a low ponytail or pigtails until he can get it cut again (doesnt really like having long hair)

wears weird and funky socks

he absolutely has a roblox account

likes to pronounce words wrong on purpose sometimes. mostly by putting emphasis on the wrong syllables

ABSOLUTELY adds extra e's to his words when texting bc thatse good showbiz babey!!

the type of kid where his first word was actually just a full coherent sentence

i'm coming to terms with the fact that he is most definitely a furry (not the type to dress up for it though. he just does artwork)

[crushedsweets]

do you have any ej headcanons? his character tends to vary alot, sometimes he used to be human and other times hes just a monster in the woods

ive always liked the idea of him being like a big brother to some of the pastas mainly like sally, ben, and jeff

AAAAGREED . As per usual ramble under the cut about jacks relationship with everyone + I’ll post colored version of this in a sec

ok. ive already talked a good bit about jack being a normal med student before the sacrifice, spending a year in some rando possessed demon state, regaining clarity, finding refuge in slenders forest, etc etc. he sort of resembles like, a vampire mixed w ghoul from tokyo ghoul

and as per usual fandom antics, he's one of the typical medical resources for a lot of people in that circle . he absolutely was the eldest son of his family, maybe like 3 younger siblings, so going to university and getting away from a big family was really nice for him. until he lost everything and can never face them again</3

SOOOOO him being the resident 'doctor' and already having a brotherly instinct .. its real and true. especially with sally, but she doesn't come around much since sally stays w jane and jane doesnt need jack. sally def reminds him of one of his little sisters. its super super bittersweet for him. jane doesnt realize jeff gets help from jack so thats the only reason she even lets sally come around

in terms w his friendship w jeff and ben.. those two are close, and jeff def has to go to jack for medical attention. ben doesnt need it but he'll come w jeff just bc he can. for a while jack REFUSED to talk to jeff while treating his wounds bc he knows what jeff does. ((jeff isnt even protected under slenderman he just lies and jack has no idea LMFAO))BUT EVENTUALLY jeff starts bringing jack uhh. :| remains. as an extra thank you, which means jack doesnt have to do the killing. it felt like a huge burden lifted off his shoulders. so that kinda helped shift their friendship. ben also doesnt really kill he just haunts so jack didnt have severe issues w him anyway(plus ben actually IS protected under slender sooo)

ben and jeff are just kinda assholes but in the boyish brotherly way(for the most part). neither of them have past 8-9th grade education and will literally look at jack like hes stupid for making a catcher in the rye reference.

jacks just kind of a pathetic little asshat who misses being in school. sometimes he'll try to convince ben and jeff to actually pick up a book for once in their life, and they probably did it once. PROB WOULD ENJOY CATCHER IN THE RYE NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. LMFAOO

he's not all too brotherly with like, masky and hoody since those two are older than him and are creeped out by him. but theyve gotten their fair share of medical attention from him, and he even taught hoody some more extensive first aid so now hoody kinda deals with the basic stuff toby totally still goes out of his way to see jack regardless of whether hoody could treat it or not. toby had nobody willing to talk to him growing up, so the fact that now he sort of has a circle of freaks thatll talk to him, laugh(marginally) at his jokes, and can take some crude remarks.... BROS TAKING ADVANTAGE.

clocky also isnt protected under slenderman, but if she comes to jack with a gash in her head or a stab wound in her leg, jacks gonna help regardless. clocky is also kind of a smartass so she'll actually read some of the books jack has and talk to him about it which is pleasant for them both, but they really have like... nothing else in common.

liu doesnt need 2 go to jack and wouldnt bc he has no reason to

im still lost on how i want ninas case to go, whether she actually kills or just committed an act of self mutilation that caught jane and lius attention, so idk if she would need jack . .

[twig-tea]

Under the Oak Tree: How Do I Talk About This Show?

The Vietnamese musical BL Under the Oak Tree ended today (after a delay from last week for political reasons that affected all Vietnamese shows).

The music in this show is great. Full disclosure I am coming at it from a place of liking Vietnamese OSTs and Musicals, so I was definitely primed to enjoy it. But they do a great job underscoring the big moments with appropriate music, including very fun villain songs. You can get a taste of the music style in this teaser:

The story is...a rollercoaster lol This show has a lot going on. We go from cute high school romance to gang threats to parental trauma to forced outings and life-ruining betrayals to a timeskip and a twist and an ending that could be read as either very dark or a happy ending, depending on your preference.

My biggest critique is that the romantic relationship is not actually the core of the story; it's actually the protagonist and his friend who betrays him that are the core of the plot, especially in the last few episodes. That relationship gets worked on, but the core romance is just kind of treated as an afterthought.

That being said, there is a lot I loved about this too. There's a Lord of the Rings fantasy sequence that is fantastic, and there's a really interesting exploration of revenge and how satisfying it is (or isn't) that I found fun to watch play out. I also really loved that these were gay characters from jump (neither Dang nor Khanh really wrestled with their attraction to the other), and these actors can kiss.

Also just to say Vuong Huy did a great job, but it was sooooo nice to see some of the familiar faces again, especially in episodes 8-10! I love Duc Duy, Duy Lam, Gia Huy, and KaiBie, who have all been in several Vietnamese BLs before (Duy Lam and Gia Huy have costarred before in shows like Beef, Cupcakes, and Him, Duc Duy has played opposite Ba Vinh in The Most Peaceful Place, and KaiBie has been around since Hey! First Love, just to name a few highlights from their CVs).

If this sounds intriguing to you, Under the Oak Tree is 10 episodes, 30-40 mins each, on YouTube.

Discussion of my thoughts on the ending after the cut!

Ok, so MAJOR spoilers ahead.

Under the Oak Tree takes place mostly in 2011, but then there's a 15 year timeskip in episode 8. We find out over the course of episodes 8-10 that in 2011, after Linh betrays Khanh by lying that she saw him steal money from the band, Khanh's mother dies from shock at hearing him confess to the crime (in order to prevent Dang from being punished for defending him even in the face of Linh's eyewitness evidence). Khanh leaves Dang and the small town of Da Lat for the big city, remaking himself and his life. He runs into Linh, who has since married Dang, and pretends to befriend her and let bygones be bygones so that he can infiltrate her company and set her up to be ruined. As the final piece de resistance for his betrayal, he kisses Dang, and Linh falls down the stairs in shock and ends up in a coma.

This is the part where I think opinions will differ. Linh ends up in a kind of limbo, in which she has to either agree to go to hell and be tortured, or sit and watch her own memories over and over, unable to change them. She spends a lot of time unwilling to admit that she did anything wrong, but sitting and watching herself over and over seems to get to her and she comes to terms with the fact that she's caused terrible pain.

Khanh goes to see her in her coma, and yells at her that this is too easy, she needs to live so that she can be tortured knowing what she's done. We then get a sequence from Linh's perspective in which Khanh visits her in limbo and they reconcile and go back in time together to fix the past.

This is the part that could be read as dark if you're me lol. On it's surface, the show essentially wrote fix-it fic for itself; Linh never betrays Khanh, so his mother doesn't die, he doesn't move away, and he never leaves Dang. We leave Dang and Khanh happy and together and on the road to becoming musicians to fulfill their dreams as a team, with Linh owning a coffee shop seeming pretty content. But at the end Linh asks whether this is all real, or all in her mind, and Khanh replies that maybe her memories of the other future are what are all in her mind. It's left a little ambiguous.

That being said, the show also was careful to say that we cannot actually go back and fix the past. So the read that this happy ending is all in Linh's head while she's in a coma is a dark but realistic one.

I also need to talk about Dang and Khanh. In the present/future, Dang and Khanh are arguably not actually in love anymore; they're both too resentful of everything that's come before. This is the part that feels unreconciled to me; while Khanh and Linh got to work through their issues, Dang and Khanh never get to have that conversation, because in the revised past, Dang doesn't share the memories of the future that Khanh and Linh have, so he doesn't know who he hand Khanh became in this other timeline. He says explicitly that he believes no matter what, they'll always love each other and never leave one another; but we know that's not quite true. The smile that Khanh gives him after that speech seems a little sad to me.

I would have loved a little more time for Khanh and Dang to reconcile; for Dang to more fully own his part in not supporting Khanh in the face of his friends ruining Khanh's life, and in marrying Linh even after her betrayal, instead of going to find Kanh or at the least staying true to himself. And I would have loved Khanh to own up to giving up on Dang when things were difficult (to be fair to him, things were extremely difficult--this is another instance of a poor character in love with a rich character whose life gets ruined because of that relationship, while the rich character's life stays essentially the same), and making his life about revenge at any cost to anyone, including Dang, rather than just living for his own future happiness. With all of that hanging over them, it's hard to believe in their forever, even if the new timeline is real and not a coma dream.

Anyway! I really did have a lot of fun watching the show and the wild swings of emotional turns; I also feel like I understated how much I really love these songs. This show won't be for everyone, it's hard to recommend as a blanket statement, but to save you scrolling back up: if this sounds intriguing to you, it's 10 episodes, 30-40 mins each, on YouTube!

[nourrris]

I'm happy there was no season 4.

This could either be a popular, or very unpopular opinion, I'm unsure as frankly I've only began watching two days ago, and finished the show already, (god it was beautiful).

Anyways, I very firmly believe anything after a season 3 would have likely ruined the storyline, it ended on such a beautiful note, something that's so perfectly them. I'm also in a way, happy they never actually did kiss, although realistically I had been rooting for it to happen, the fact it didn't doesn't bother me one bit, it really brings out all the intimacy in their prior actions, and words, I love that their love was batshit insane, that it didn't need a kiss or pda to believe it was reciprocated, frankly surrendering eachothers lives together was more than enough for a confirmation.

But continuing on, I believe a season 4 would have been too messy, they left s3 on a very difficult position to recover off, and a position that didn't need recovering either, it didn't need fixing or changing - not one bit. It was so perfect in my opinion, their last things they did was kill a man together to save one another, then kill themseleves together, literally how much more fitting could it have been for these murder husbands? It just worked so well, that nothing can be more intimate than death for them, in my opinion.

Latching onto the last part of the first section of the post, I really liked how they portrayed the reciprocity of Will's feelings towards Hannibal. When Bedelia ask's Will if he 'aches' for Hannibal too, and it cuts off to another scene, I generally already took that as a yes, as it was a big damn claim, I don't think it's something you easily hesitate on, not when the person in question is a cannibalistic murderer. When he chooses to save Hannibal, and jump off the cliff with him though, that is the real confirmation of course, choosing to leave his wife and son, all friends and absolutely every inch of the life he made - for Hannibal, a man he physically could not get over no matter how hard he tried.

It's perfect, sorry I just finished the show today (like a few hours ago) and I love it so dearly, I've never watched something where the ending felt so genuinely satisfying, even if it seemingly hadn't meant to felt like a finale in that manner, it worked amazingly, I'm very glad it wasn't a s2 situation with such an insane cliff hanger, or else I would have probably just.. never watched the show. Some say it does feel like a cliff hanger, but eventually you can come to terms and realize that their actions, a double suicide in the name of love(?) couldn't possibly surpass anything else they've done at that point, their action's have led them to either horribly idiotic situations, or blissful moments.

Lastly I wanted to mention my original assumption of the ending, I midway through season 2 found out Hannibal was actually a incomplete cancelled show, also prior to that I found through spoilers that will eventually has a wife. Those facts are important because I very weirdly am a person who cannot consume a media without spoilers, (my anxiety is due to that). So I just about know every ending of a show before I'm even halfway into it, although I tend to prefer to wait later, I wondered if finishing the show was worth it so i searched it up, and watched briefly the ending, It was very relieving as if it actually did truly end in a heterosexual way it would have immediately made me quit the show, as yes they are intimite but I still did want any type of closure, without it I would have felt at most pretty indifferent with the ending.

Anyways, the show is beautiful, I love it so so much, even if it's a complete change in genres for me, I love the characters, I love the artistry and creativity in the show, and god do I love the ending.

(edit a day later: guys i totally missed that last scene w bedelia at the end, i still prefer s3's ending but did not know it was implied they were alive!!??!)

[inchidentally]

Venus as a boy, inch… https://www.tumblr.com/xiaoluclair/719420109796589568/danielricciardo-bisous-landonorris-bro-sexy — wiz

@wisteriagoesvroom W I Z. b a b e. I've never been proud of coming up with a tag for someone but that one I'm like fuck that's good I did that <3<3

and listen I have a whoooooole unrealistically deep thing for the Daniel POV content when he was held in thrall as Lando's teammate

xiaoluclair

His wicked Sense of humor Suggests Exciting sex!

He believes in a beauty He's Venus as a boy

ofc I get weird about his dynamic w Lando and trust me Daniel's blokey-ness plays a key role in it :)

while Lando can't magically alter someone's sexuality, his vulnerability mixed with his unique personal beauty can fuck up a straight man's brain chemistry - and that hit nobody harder than Daniel. Lando had two alpha dudes barrel into his life and commit to bromances with him right off the bat and for the most part the dynamic is that they're hilarious and pretend to bully him and get in his space while Lando giggles and fruitlessly fights back… but in the same way Carlos got stumped by how much of a safety blanket he became for Lando's unguarded little heart, Daniel got completely sideswiped by how he couldn't 'bro' Lando into submission in their dynamic and became a half-broken acolyte to a boy ten years younger than him.

like, not only was the teammate dynamic so fully in favor of Lando in terms of their performances those two seasons but Daniel could not stop himself being dragged around by his eyeballs every time Lando was in view. he was both butthurt AND thoroughly heartsick about Lando by the time he was bought out by McLaren.

from the start, every time Daniel would try his usual asserting dominance by disarming humor shtick on Lando it would die with a thud. Lando would get quiet and retreat and leave Daniel totally unmoored. but when Daniel would pet Lando's skin nicely and give him a genuine smile and not the usual shark-toothed one, Lando would purr sweetly and open up like a flower. when Daniel showed an interest in photography and copied Lando's camera and ig account, Lando would willingly spend time with him outside media duties.

and suddenly Daniel's big, loping caddish character that usually cut a heavy swathe through the paddock was instead crouching in submission to try and steal as much of Lando's attention as possible. he found himself changing course to encounter the boy, teeth bared in nervous submission to Lando's upright ballet posture. something about Lando's looks being on the cusp of finely finished manhood but still mostly rounded and boyishly pretty made Daniel keep picking up his phone or his camera to document the penumbral shift. something pierced his Man Brain and told him what a gift it was to witness Lando bud and bloom right in front of his eyes and that special devotion must be paid to the event. but like all profane idolatry, the fact that Daniel knew he could never gain entry to the Eden of owning Lando solely for himself - and that Lando would wither and die like a butterfly stuck on a pin if Daniel tried - eventually sickened and threatened Daniel with a dissatisfaction for life itself.

being so close to Lando, living with him but not really, was like exsanguination by obsessive adoration. Lando's pink lips and sparkling eyes and soft skin were constellations millions of light-years away from Daniel's clay-bound feet. the rush of lust and drunkenness Daniel got from catching Lando fully unawares and making him flush and writhe was like a climax that remained firmly unattainable. the only release would be to give Lando up and Daniel couldn't do that, his hand had to be forced.

whereas since leaving McLaren, Daniel has a much more secure footing and can safely little brother Lando while keeping the adulation a mere background hum to Lando's brilliant, shining egress through Daniel's space. they're both keeping up the bromance in the same way and genuine, grown-up friendship has been cemented. when Lando and Martin decided to go and stay with Daniel as a spontaneous interlude until the next leg of their norrix world tour, Daniel already had mates staying and it was a fun boys mini break.

but do I like to imagine that when Daniel saw Martin with his easy, proprietary ownership of Lando for the entirety of the winter, it made an ugly little gnarl of scar tissue - burned into his left ventricle by Lando's memory - twist and squeeze so hard that it made Daniel fall against his own kitchen counter with a cold death-grip as he watched Lando preparing breakfast in Daniel's own kitchen? yes. do I weirdly love thinking that the phantom pain lingered as he watched Martin bundle Lando into the car for the airport and see them already laughing and sharing jokes and references only they knew before remembering to wave goodbye to Daniel? yes.

do I think that happened, no but that's not as romantic <3

[kurishiri]

Heyyy I’m not sure if you’re okay with this kind of question so please feel free to ignore this ask if you don’t feel comfortable!

I just finished reading your Al and El past record translation and I have some questions that I’m not sure have canon answers yet like, 1) How did Elbert avoid the false choice in the game? Or was it just his pure (bad) luck? 2) What is another reason Elbert took Alfons to the manor besides he giving the answer El wanted to hear?

I actually have some theories if they never provide the official answer lol and if you have any, I’m all ears! 👀👀

hii, anon! of course you can ask these questions- in fact, i encourage it! i like having discussions like these 🫶🫶 hope you enjoyed the past records story, and thanks a lot for reading it!

so there are no 150% set in stone canon answers to this as far as ik, as i read the past records for 🍎🪞 i felt that the story as a whole never really provided a “true answer” and wants you to come to your own conclusions. and that’s where we come in- we can always theorize and talk abt this! so please share your theories too 👀✨✨ will put everything under the cut! bc it’s.. a lil long. lmao

and for anyone else reading this, you can read the past records for 🍎🪞 here.

(1) how did elbert avoid the false choice in the game? or was it his bad luck?

i think the concept of “luck” is pretty warped in this story, to be honest.

what’s interesting here is that elbert had always made the wrong choice — except that he actually always made the right choice, because the one he was playing with was alfons.

so objectively speaking, yes, i think elbie does indeed have “bad luck.” and this is not only evident in the past records, but also if you look at his past, and the events in his own route, yes you can say that he indeed had a streak of bad luck. they’re just not as vocal abt it in the main story compared to the past records. even though liam briefly suspects elbie may have been making the decisions he’s been making purposely due to him saying he won’t let al die, but like, how would child! elbie have known child! al was gonna spike one of the cups of tea with a lethal poison? or how would he have known which hand the regular or the irregular pudding was held in? like he is human too (a cursed one, but human nonetheless). it’s not like he can completely mind read al when it comes to this.

i think what elbie meant by “i’m not going to let al die” is that, were he to make the “wrong decision,” i.e. choosing the tea that’s not poisoned, or choosing the carriage with the non-intoxicated driver, etc. then he, too, would save al. and he’s willing to go through pain himself if it means al doesn’t have to.

but, when he plays with al, is he lucky that he wins every bet (in the terms al lays out) and thus keeps al alive, or is he unlucky for technically making the “wrong” decision that puts himself in danger, in lieu of al? and conversely, does al have bad luck that he can never seem to get his wish to die, or to distance himself, granted? after all, he is the one who laid out the terms of winning or losing a game. elbie had only really ever gone along with everything. bc it’s al, and elbie would trust al with his life, unironically.

could it be al’s “bad luck” that the opponent he met a long time ago is always someone with “bad luck,” but since he is a “mirror,” his opponent’s bad luck turns into good luck?

so i think even in this way, they are meant for each other in this sort of more than (or different than) platonic but less than romantic kinda way.

(2) what is another reason elbie took al to the manor?

i don’t think this is ever explicitly mentioned outright, but i don’t think we have no basis to go off of either. but this would require us to delve into some spoiler territory for elbie and al’s route, so if you don’t want to hear them, then you can stop here, but the short answer would be that the other reason elbie mentioned having (which he kept a secret from al) may either be bc he wanted a friend, or he wanted to help al in exchange for al helping him when he needed it most. as for the long answer..

for that said “other reason,” we can look first at elbie’s route. there, al talks abt his past to kate, and one thing that’s really evident here is that for a lot of his life, he was basically alone. his story mentioned his parents, the butlers and maids — but nobody really around his age. his parents turned their backs on him, and he couldn’t trust the servants in the estate; if anything, they made him very uncomfy and unsafe. he only stayed bc no one else would “love” him and he had nowhere to go anyway. so it probably was a relief for him to finally find someone around the same age as himself. someone he knows can be there for him. someone who he knows won’t just see him as a sexual or beautiful object, or someone to be repulsed or hated. to elbie, in his childhood, al probably was the manifestation of a “safe place” that his parents and his servants should have given him, but ultimately failed to give.

well, that said, their friendship is unorthodox in some ways too, probably in part due to al’s curse. after all, they play all these risky games together (except the coin toss), and in elbie’s route there was a time when al had disappeared for some time bc elbie was at a point where he nearly died, and when kate questioned al where he was, he shrugged it off, but said that he didn’t like the idea that he might feel relief at the prospect that elbie would die before him — and this isn’t bc al doesn’t like elbie, but rather the opposite, as if elbie dies before al, he will die remembering him. you could say the fact their friendship has sort of that “twist” to it is bc elbie had reached out to al and kept him by his side, along with the curses sorta fvcking with especially al’s mind.

the other likely possible reason is that elbie wanted to help him. overall elbie is very sensitive especially to other people’s sadness or other negative feelings and doesn’t want anyone to be sad, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he had picked up on the fact that al, for all the facades he may put up, suffers from depressive symptoms. like, there were points in his route where he was genuinely out to die. i believe roger mentions this as well- though i think the relationship between al and roger warrants a whole separate post from this one lmao but the thing is, elbie wanting him to live, or rather not letting him die, would go against al’s wishes. and that could be why he keeps a secret on his end abt it?

so tldr on that point: aside from the fact he may just want to have his fun keeping a mystery on al (like al himself is like that mysterious™️ character anyway so what’s wrong with elbie keeping a mystery of his own too, yknow?) he may be keeping it a secret out of consideration, too, maybe?? because even if al wants to die, elbie, and roger, would never let that happen. i think elbie does want al to keep living, even if he’s aware he does have suicidal thoughts. and this is evident in al’s route.

al’s words had saved elbie as a child, and so elbie probably wants to do the same for al.

of course there could be other reasons, but i’d say these are probably two of the more likely? ones if i had to guess!

[dubacheryking]

It seems like you really like the IT book( it 1986), so do you remember Eddie Corcoran’s story from chapter 6. Because like his chapter is for real one of the most heartbreaking chapters in the whole book and he’s like so underrated for no reason. Soooo like what’s your opinions on him and other little interesting thing like that lol.

:)

oh my GOG tbh i think eddie corcoran's death is straight up the most horrifying part of the book. like if u put a gun to my head and said "what part of IT 86 do u find the most stomach churning" THATS IT RIGHT THERE. no one ever really talks abt it by 90% of the fandom on here is movie based and they dont FUCKING include it for some godawful reason (i can understand the 1990 ver not including it specifically for censorship reasons, since it was the 90s and also made for tv and ALSO cut to 3hrs lol) but like. the fact that it wasnt in the movies is criminal tbh.

but i digress.

as for opinions and such regarding the corcoran boy.... i mean, we get next to nothing abt him. what we know is a) his stepdad is an abusive piece of shit b) he had a younger brother that he seemingly cared about deeply (SOBS) c) his pos stepdad killed his baby brother (LIKE ACTUAL BABY. A 4YO???? FR????) d) his death was horrific. theres a little bit more but but but i havent reread that chapter recently so some of it is certainly escaping me. i wish there was more about him as an actual person, but i also understand that w the book already being a billion pages long there is only so much small details that could actually be included, and the history of derry and main story obvs will trump this specific smaller story--but like, fr, i want to know more abt eddie. we know he was terrified of the thing from the black lagoon (fair) and obvs holds a lot of fear and anger and guilt regarding dorsey's death, we know hes abused, we know how he dies. its a weird paradox of being very close to this character (in terms of his pov at the time, being in his head and all just like w any of the main losers) and being extremely removed (we know nothing abt his internal life beyond what his abuse brings out). which. frankly it's somewhat genius bc, yeah, abuse DOES tend to stifle the actual personality/interests of the person being abused and DOES like literally fuck w the brain chemistry and processessing of a child (source: happened to me lolololol), but its also heartbreaking that all we know him as is One of The Missing. he can never be more. its fucked.

soooo . this got away from me. sorry if it makes little to no sense ill just do a small bit on my thoughts summarized HERE:

i wholeheartedly agree that eddie corcoran's death is like. the worst part of the story. listening to it makes me legit sick to my stomach in a way NO OTHER PART OF THE BOOK DOES. LEGIT. and i think the main reason for that is while cosmic horror space clown spider thing is fake, duh, and more obviously used as a stand in for trauma and specifically for childhood trauma and the lasting effects that it has on our psyche, eddie's death is REAL. dorsey's death is REAL. we see, in grusome, up close detail, the actual consequences of abuse and how it destroys people's lives--specifically children's. we see how the complacency of those around such families (eddie's mom, the teachers, the principal, the town of derry at large) contributes to the horrific mistreatment of the most vulnerable, and how NONE OF THEM suffer any consequences for their lack of action. the section ends with eddie's mother getting access to his savings, which amount to less than 20$. to do so, she has to have him legally declared dead, EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOT HAVE A BODY. AND THAT'S FUCKED. SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO MAKE SURE HE'S FUCKING DEAD BEFORE SHE DOES THIS, DOESN'T WANT THE CLOSURE, DOESN'T WANT TO LAY HIM TO REST, DOESN'T WANT A PLACE TO VISIT. I CAN'T. like obviously we see themes of abuse and neglect in the whole book, that's the whole point, but eddie's story is different. there is no winning. there is no escape. you can't spin it into a better life.

he's a kid, just like any of the losers, but to the universe, he's not 'special,' so his death doesn't matter. he could have been swapped in with any of the other characters--fuck, he literally shares the name of one of them!! and yet he's not, and because of that, he doesn't matter. his death effects no one. the only positive is that it reopens dorsey's case, and even then, the reopening of his brother's death almost entirely sweeps eddie under the rug. the town of derry turns away, and when the truth of dorsey corcoran's death is revealed, the shrug, go so very sad, and wipe their hands of it. just another child death at the hands of an adult monster, just another day.

[knifearo]

hello bracken 🫡 I've always wanted to get a second aro's opinion on this and also just to Laugh At The Absurdity. And I hope u do not mind the wall of text unprompted

I cut this person out of my life even tho they were my best friend, but when we were close I would tell them about how my roommate (diff room tho) would always bring her boyfriend over and do. well. the devil's tango! frequently! or just generally hang out together and be really loud (ie laughter) at night. I would tell them to be quiet but it never really got better. at this point, I was 1) coming to terms w the fact that I was aro and was beginning to get more comfortable w it and 2) also realizing how kind of insane it was how someone (my roommate) could basically drop most of her other relationships (me included) for a guy she is romantically involved with. we used to get lunch a lot together as roommates but then He came along and that just went away because now He was there and it made me feel pretty sad that I was neglected as a friend. so I would complain to this to my best friend and ofc she agreed it was crazy. but then, one time, after being particularly annoyed by their noise, I said to her something akin to "are allo(romantic) people ok?" And she took that personally! She asked if she would be treated differently by me if she had a bf/gf. and it made me feel so..... ???? bc what??? like no ofc not, but why would u think that? u literally benefit from amatonormativity as someone that experiences romantic attraction, I think an aro person making one (1) joke about allo people is ok 💀🫶 turned out later that they were low-key an arophobe as well as a panphobe despite being queer themselves so rest in piss lmfao but that interaction still rotates in my mind. the allos are so oppressed 🥺🥺🥺🥺

MAN. so much to unpack there. first of all i wish alloromantics Would be oppressed and i hope jakey dies. second of all alloromantics will hear an aro person say literally anything and act like we just kicked their dog and then quit our jobs to take up a full-time career as a cartoon supervillain that's planning to take over the city and. idk. kill batman or something while we're doing it. an aro person opens their mouth and suddenly everyone in the world forgets that jokes exist... ppl literally don't let us say fuck all without being upset about it. anyway! i am of the same opinion that i am when it comes to trans people making jokes about cis people and gay people making jokes about straight people and ace people making jokes about allosexuals. punching up is distinctly different from punching down and if you don't understand what that means then you lack a fundamental understanding of how privilege works and you need to seek out education rather than acting all elon musk "cis is a slur". everyone in the world acts like we are personally throwing rocks at them by making jokes that are inversions of the vitriol that is directed at us and you know what! as i have said before! idgaf and i will be the mean problematic aro forever and ever cause bitches wouldn't like me if i was all niceys about it either. literally god forbid we be sarcastic. anyway i think alloromanticism should be outlawed

"i hate how people who are in relationships treat me differently just because they're in a relationship." "so you would treat me differently just because i was in a relationship??" what are you fucking talking abouuuttttttttttttt

[scythemichaelfaraday]

I am once again realizing that engaging with anything JTHM related while actively struggling with many mental illnesses is in fact bad for my health.

Under the cut: a love letter to JTHM with a side of divorce papers. Also an apology to anyone in the community who I've hurt directly or indirectly.

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I found a space for JTHM in my life when I really needed it to find me. It helped me find my best friend, my spouse, and many cool people who have made all sorts of impacts on my life.

It helped me feel seen when I was struggling with coming to terms with the "darker" and "scarier" symptoms (homicidal ideation, delusions, paranoia) of my disorders. It helped me feel like I wasn't alone in my despair and my anger and angst.

It helped me process when I lost my sister to suicide. It helped me explicitly write out my darkest fantasies of violently killing the people who kept my sister from coming home from the morgue. It helped me take out all of my pain and trauma out on a single individual that already was hurting so deeply, so why not hurt him more. But as time has gone on, I've realized that I have distanced myself farther and farther from the source. I've created a Johnny of my own- one different but cut from the same cloth of Jhonen's. It became unclear to me where I started and Johnny began. I integrated so much of myself into my version of how I wrote and drew Johnny that it started to seem more like a mirror than a self-portrait.

I cut my hair like him. I wore similar clothes. I acted in a similar manner. I imagined myself looking like him when people perceived me, despite being... 5'1", filipino, and not-at-all thin.

I had a dilemma, I wanted to be him, but I also wanted him to be more like me.

I styled his hair to be more like mine: less spiky, more soft, rounded, full with my current (constantly changing hair color) to match. I gave him my glasses. I put him in my clothes. I gave him undiagnosed chronic pain, then MCTD, then fibromyalgia. I gave him a cane. I gave him self harm scars in the exact same places mine are. I later gave him my "sexuality" (both in terms of orientation and otherwise) and my gender identity. He has my Bipolar, BPD, PTSD, ADHD, ED, Anxiety, etc. And finally, I gave him my partner, or at least the characters that my partner also furnished for themself.

At this point in my journey of mental health, I can say that I've turned Johnny into quite the projection. Even before I met my current partner, I gave him a spouse and kids, things that I vehemently denied wanting, but secretly desired to be stable enough to have. Well... less so the kids.

I wanted him to recover in the same way that I wanted and still want to. Not to be "fixed." There is no fixing mental illness, just treating it and learning how to live with it. Fucking up and fixing along the way. Just like I gave him those other things, I inserted a support system into his life; I gave him a family; I gave him a purpose outside of the one that Jhonen made him for and... it felt freeing but it also felt scandalous. Sacrilegious. Forbidden.

I was so afraid that people would see the Johnny I "created" and shun him and by extension, me. "He's out of character. He would never say that. This is who he is. This is who he is only allowed to be."

As someone with Borderline, I internalized the outcry of OOC as an attack against my constantly fractured sense of identity and kept myself stuck in the ways I always were. I believed that in order to stay within the community/fandom, I would have to stay as sick and as disordered as possible or else I'd be an outsider someone who just "doesn't get it." Someone who "doesn't get Johnny."

And maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe there really isn't "getting" Johnny in the same way for everyone, but this isn't about that.

On the opposite hand, when I became more secure in my recovery (or at least during a phase of it) I was more defensive of my depictions. That other people were talking about me behind my back, that I was pariah of sorts that dared to think differently. I thought: these people want to stay stuck, they want Johnny to stay stuck. They engage in these things that are so sickening and awful. Why can't they be like me and just hurt themselves?!

Then, someone's response to it made me realize that I was no better no different than them. What gave me the right to judge people for how they coped with their trauma and disorders? My cutting, my vent art, and interaction with the same exact media was just the same as them engaging in a community that while I still wouldn't become a part of, I have newfound respect for. We are all just trying to fucking cope with our awful lives and experiences and I had and have NO RIGHT to judge them for it.

So to be crystal clear without naming names: I am sorry for what I've said about people who engage with the TCC. I am sorry for what I've said regarding people liking Jimmy. I have not sent anon hate or any hate to people who like Jimmy, but I have made comments such as "liking X is like you being the Jimmy" and thus have contributed to the fandom's hostility towards people who like Jimmy. It is through these people that I've discovered that there is a lot more nuance than I can personally appreciate for the character. I may not like him still, but I do respect and admire anyone who can find comfort in him or otherwise.

Since then, it's been a journey of accepting that from the start, I have engaged with the community from a standpoint of mental illness. Much like someone forms a trauma bond with a friend or acquaintance, I trauma-bonded with JTHM and have been "married" to it for 7 (heh heh) long, complicated years. It's been my personality, my identity, my story, my thoughts, my everything. I didn't lose myself in JTHM, because I never knew who I was, and I still don't. But remaining married to it has severely impeded my ability to learn who I am.

I did character analysis after character analysis. I combed through every last page, read every last note Jhonen wrote, turned the book over and over to read the hidden messages in the borders. I tried to parse who Johnny is, who he wants to be, his likes, dislikes, his dreams, nightmares, fears, everything. I asked him everything about himself, but I didn't once turn those questions towards myself directly.

I want to learn who Zzy is. What Zzy wants. What Zzy likes, dislikes, fears, aspires to, everything. And with this final step towards freedom from JTHM, I think that I am ready to learn who they are. Or at least, try. I want to try for them.

This doesn't mean that I will be leaving behind the Johnny I've built, but rather that I will work towards making him something of my own rather than the extension of something that was never mine to begin with. I love the world and story I've built with him too much.

So thank you, JTHM, thank you Jhonen, for giving me some serious pain food to chew on. My monster's teeth have been continually sharpened and worn down all these years thanks to your help, but I think I can take it from here. I will never forget the awesome people you've connected me with, the experiences you've granted me, and the relief you've offered.

However, we also have not been good to or for each other. I made you into everything about me. I forced you into every corner of my life. You convinced me to abandon all hope of wellness and manipulated me into the temptation to stay with you even when I knew it'd be better to distance ourselves. You kept me from discovering myself in some of my most formative years. These are things that will take a while to recover from. And these are things that cause me to tell you that we are done.

This isn't goodbye forever, but this is sayonara for now.

[lepertamar]

So seeing as you’re also a fan of Star Trek TOS and vulcans, I thought I’d share an observation........in the stars that rise at dawn, the whole Tamar-Elīya drama/the Tamar Incident when she runs away to become a holy, is kind of a deep subversion of the thing in the first Star Trek movie where Spock runs away from Kirk and the Enterprise and tries to take the Kolinahr ritual....but of course Spock was wrong and Tamar was right :’)

EDIT: i got and wrote out this ask in mid 2022 and then never posted it because ???? forgot it somehow. or maybe i had a reason, bc it was complete. anyway here, this is not quite up to my 2024 standards possibly but w/e:

Okay okay I need to like REALLY luxuriate in this. wow. ehehehe. omg the extent to how exhaustively this follows the star trek incident and also how many subverting switches/equal-and-opposite reversals go into every step. how, blow-by-blow the subversions here are. especially in terms of like....especially the stuff I've kept talking about regarding the way Sehhinah does so much 'subversion' of both like, mythology and common genre tropes: it subversions are best when it really sticks to subverting only by changing a couple things mostly about the connotations/emotional affect/motives involved, or "what actually happened, if you described it while projecting as few connotations and assumptions onto it as possible" and this is like.....wow?? one of the most intensive ones?

but okay okay okay so like..........compare/contrast, Tamar runs away because Eliya doesn't know who she is anymore and their friendship is based on nothing, a holding pattern, vs Spock running away because Kirk knows him TOO well and his love friendship for Kirk is too intense and makes him not-himself. Tamar runs away mainly to run to something (to cleave to a people and to a god and to experience an irrevocable sight that will become an addition to herself) and her getting away from her friends without warning is mostly secondary to that, a sort of perception that what has been awakened in her (her self-understanding, her desire, the things she has come to know and be, even before her actual burning) is an impassable disconnect with her old friends and life that she doesn't know or care about enough to try to salvage without being untruthful to herself. Spock runs away mostly to get away from his life with Kirk, in space, with humans, from the fear and shame that he is becoming polluted and un-Vulcan and too-human from their influence and the feelings and desires this life stirs in him, and he tries to take the Kolinahr not for its own sake but because it's a socially acceptable and very Vulcan/not-human way to prove to himself that he's a Real Vulcan and eradicate the human half in him that makes him ashamed and self-loathing of himself. uh hang on where should i put a cut

And also.....Spock fails the ritual because the elders at Gol sense that he is not genuine in his desire or his reasons, and Tamar succeeds because she is truthful, she begs and states simply "I want to see Your soul, all of it, even though it is brighter than anything at all." But that's not even the crux of things, is it? It doesn't mean the parallels diverge there, because Tamar's changes vis-a-vis Eliya came from her decision and desire and the fact that she perceived that she could not continue to live as she had; and this is in fact also true of Spock! They both return, reluctantly, due to the intervention of an outside factor, to their old place and their old friends, and the barrier continues. They are unfitting and different and the same. For different reasons, Tamar IS different and has grown away and knows things about herself and the world that Eliya hasn't, and the things she has seen and life she has built in the meantime have integrated into her Self sincerely, and she won't pretend otherwise. Spock is not as different, but he wants to be different, he wants to not belong here and wants to belong on Vulcan instead, and he has made a (he thinks) irreversible break anyway, which is helping him lie to himself and everyone else as hard as possible.

The Eliya parallel and divergence from Kirk role too: There's the similarity: Eliya does not understand why Tamar left, like Kirk doesn't understand why Spock left. She is hurt and confused. Kirk is too. She genuinely doesn't care as much about Tamar burning out her eyes as much as she cares (at first) about the fact Tamar broke their childhood promise and did not share this important thing with her and ghosted and left her, and (later) about the evidence that burning out her eyes must have been something so Much and big and truthful about Tamar's Self that Tamar thinks Eliya can't share in her life anymore because Eliya doesn't understand what it's like to feel a trembling Much truthful sureness and self-seeing of desire that extreme and that worth anything. Kirk is hurt and confused that Spock left but also from the start is astonished and alarmed that whatever it was, it was so extreme and intense that Spock tried to purge all his emotions about it, and didn't and still won't even explain properly. Eliya insists and assumes it was her fault, and tries to put words in Tamar's mouth about it, "sorry for whatever I did to drive you away." Kirk fears and suspects the same thing about Spock but tries not to assume so, but the thing is that Kirk is right and Eliya was not, and over the movie it grows. Kirk offered Spock friendship and love and duty and stirred humans desires and emotions in Spock and revealed Spock to himself, revealed truths about himself to himself, in a way that Eliya never once ever could. Eliya could never have been a Kirk to Tamar but she also could never have been a brown-haired-anime-boy-childhood-friend to Tamar's white-haired-anime-boy-childhood-friend who mistakenly throws his lot in with a force too Big for him out of arrogant assumption that his friends aren't enough or that his friends make him soft. because she was not and never had been the site of potent revealing-of-the-self-to-one's-self -- the woman with the burned tongue, Safira, the concept of seeing the face of G-d and living the rest of one's life with such knowledge, batshit interspecies (.....''''species'''') bond winning out over intraspecies ones, was the Kirk thing, and Sarek, not Kirk, is closer to Eliya here.

Other contrasts with mirrors: the Kolinahr is a ritual that purges emotions irrevocably and that is its point, whereas becoming a holy is all about intense emotional passion, but irrevocably causes you to lose something as well, but the loss is the direct opposite of Kolinahr in its effects and motive, given it makes you continually subjected to EXTREME emotions and stimulation and intrusion of g-d etc and the price is of losing a part of yourself (a bodypart/sense organ, your abled-ness, your purity and rest/silence/privacy/(....singlethood)) and the price is just kind of inherent to it, not the purpose of it.

Aesthetics also: desert, judaism vibes, god(star trek humans)-and-its-creation(v'ger)-dynamics. uh. 'star' in title. poor pacing. i'm killing it here etc. oh yeah.