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therealityhelix · 2 years

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By Talos, This Can’t be Happening pt 17

It’s Tamriel Tuesday! Teekeeus expounds on the importance of literature and Swag meets some new ‘friends’.

Rated PG13 for: Blood, violence, sexual situations, bad puns, and other poor life choices.

@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions

?~?~?~?~?

Teekeeus and the elves were clustered around the front window peeking anxiously outward.

“What is she doing here? What could she possibly want?” Angalmo asked. “She must know she's not welcome.”

“I saw her harassing Dar-Ma earlier.” Anthragar said.

“She wants to be seen.” Teekeeus growled. “She wants to unsettle and disrupt us.”

“What's up, boss?” Swag leaned over the little table, peering through the window with them. Beneath the dappled green shadow of the Great Oak, the tall elf who had tried to hire them stalked back and forth like a hunting stork. “Oh, that lady?”

“Her name is Earana. We attended the Arcane University together, but...we never really saw eye to eye. She had little regard for Guild rules, and it got her in trouble. She blames me, because I was most vocal about it, but it was her own actions that got her expelled. Still...I do not like that she has appeared now. We could ignore her, but I do not want her wandering about and spreading her lies.”

Helix poked her head around Swags elbow.

“Oh, that's the elf lady who wanted us to go get that book.”

Teekeeus pulled himself away from glaring at the window, in order to blink down at her.

“What book is that?”

“Oh, it was something like, uh, 'Touch the Mountain' or something like that?”

“Fingers of the Mountain.” Swag corrected. Teekeeus' red eyes bulged, the pupils narrowing down to slits.

“What???” he snarled. “She found it?”

Helix drew back.

“Only kinda. She said it was in an Ayleid ruin, north of here. But not exactly where it was. She wanted us to go out and find it. We told her we would, but we didn't accept any payment, and she doesn't know we joined the guild...”

The lizardmans tail was lashing violently.

“We weren't actually going to do it.” Swag finished.

“No.” Teekeeus hissed. “You must. That book cannot be allowed to fall into her hands! Nor can it be allowed to remain unsecured! It is far too dangerous. Earana is meaningless in light of this, except that she cannot be trusted with such an artifact. No this is far more important than any petty squabble. That book must be brought to the guild, where it can be dealt with safely!”

“What is it cursed or something?”

“It may just be. It is a dangerous item that has caused deaths. I thought it destroyed, but evidently it remains. Yes, you must find it. If Earana suspects that we know of it, she may go looking herself, and while she is no longer a Guild mage, she is a mage, and may prove to be a problem. So we cannot go. But if she only sees you leave, she will assume you are off on the task she set you to. Do this, and I will send a recommendation to the Archmage immediately!”

“Now that's a good deal!” Helix said. “Let's go get our stuff!”

“Right now?” Swag asked. “What about bed day?”

“I mean we should get ready. Make sure we have everything we need. Your armor, my spells. Speaking of, where's Alberic?”

“At home, with his wife.” Angalmo said. “The books are in here.”

He unlocked one of the glass faced cabinets, revealing stacks of the precious books.

“This is guild business, right? Point out what you want, and I'll put it on credit.”

Helix gasped.

“That's extremely generous! Thank you!”

Angalmo shrugged.

“If you are going into Ayleid ruins, you really must be prepared. You might be able to gather enough valuables in there to pay it off. Don't get too crazy though.”

Helix carefully sorted through them, eventually selecting three.

“Is this acceptable?” She asked. Angalmo nodded. “Okay. I'm going to study up on these. Edward, will you take the potions to sell on your way to pick up your armor?”

“Sure.”

He headed out into the street with the basket of potions, lamenting the loss of bed day. Oh well. Neither of them could really stand to be bored, could they?

Keeping an eye out for Earana, he crossed under the great oak, and smacked right into someone else.

It was another lizard in a dress, smaller than the others, smoother in scale. She stumbled, but he reached out and caught her.

“Woah, hey, sorry about that! You okay?”

She stared up at him with big crimson eyes, and gasped, straightening up.

“Oh! Oh yes, I'm fine! I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going! Are you okay?”

Swag smiled. Kid. Definitely a kid.

“Not a scratch, sweetheart. Don't worry about it. Didn't think anybody would be out today, considering the, uh, hullabaloo.”

“Yeah. Mother thought I should stay indoors, but she didn't close the shop, so why should I be stuck in there? Besides, I love this tree. It's comforting. It was planted when the Emperor was crowned, and it's still here. Such a simple thing, but it might outlive us all.”

“It's a pretty good tree.”

There weren't all that many in Gotham, except in the really upscale parts of town, and most of those were uniform, carefully trimmed and shaped, all the same species, and not allowed to have a twig out of place. This one had been allowed to grow how it wanted, and its gnarled craggy branches spread out over the area, providing shade for the entire main square.

He thought of all the little saplings in Helix's home, how they wouldn't reach full size until she was old and gray. Maybe she would be dead before some of them ever bloomed. But the point was to leave them for the people who came after. Narci would gather the first chestnuts, Madeline would see the cycads mature. The elder thicket would grow and grow, the orchids would spread their fantastic petals, and Helix might only see it once or twice. But to her, the journey was worth it, and knowing the joy she was leaving for her loved ones was worth it as well.

And when he grew old and died, who was there to leave anything to?

Of course, a kid wouldn't be thinking about things like that. This Argonian girl might come out here to contemplate the legacy of a ruler she'd never met, but the tree was more important to her than the man she said it represented.

“You are new to town, aren't you?” she asked. “Are you an adventurer?”

“I guess? Kinda? I'm a traveler, but I'm becoming an adventurer. Gonna go on an adventure tomorrow, probably. That Earana lady wants something, so I'm gonna try and go get it for her.”

The Argoninan made a face, and for once, Swag could read the expression perfectly.

“I don't like her. She's really rude.”

“I noticed. But, if we do this thing right, we might never have to see her again. And isn't that a comforting thought?”

She smiled, showing needle teeth.

“I'll go on an adventure soon, though it's nothing very grand. Just a delivery.”

“That's not too different from what I'll be doing. But I have to go pick up my armor now. It won't do me any good to go adventuring if I'm just gonna become a pincushion.”

“Nine forbid!” she exclaimed. “Go on, go on, don't let me keep you all day!”

He bid the friendly Argonian farewell, and, spotting Earana, high-tailed it out of there.

Swag got way better prices for the potions this time. Seed-Neeus was honest at least, and now that he had something to compare it to, he could tell the previous potions really had been kinda crap. He made sure to pick up a new girdle for Helix, something that wasn't damaged and cracking. There was one that had little fern fronds punched into the leather; she would like that.

The bookstore Alberic had mentioned also carried maps and notebooks. The printing press had clearly been invented already, and he was gonna take advantage of that.

And then it was off to the Fire and Steel.

Rasheda had the piece finished; She'd already had something partially made, and simply resized it for him. Black and...red, though not his favored colors, would do fine for now, and the fit was perfect. It only covered his torso and arms, as he hadn't had the cash for anything else at the time, but now...

He was able to negotiate for the rest and put another payment towards those gauntlets. Rasheda made it very clear that she'd like him to hang around for a bit, but unfortunately, he had other things he needed to do. He did, however, make certain to pick up some care items, including the type of thread she used, and a few things to really finish up his makeshift cane.

He'd learned very early on how important it was to know how to take care of his own stuff.

He passed by a few people gossiping about possible shady dealings at the Oak and Crosier-wasn't that where Earana was staying?-and a lady out walking an entire pack of dogs. The Argoninan kid singing softly under the oak in her rough voice. The orc lady and glass elf adventurers.

Aha!

Clutching his new map, he approached, until the orc glared at him, stopping him in place. He offered a polite smile.

She snorted and looked away.

Oh, so that's how it was, huh?

Swag strode up to the pair. Trading charm for brashness, he clapped the orc on the shoulder. She slapped his hand away.

“Hmph. What do you want, twig?” she scoffed.

“You two look like you know the ins and outs of a few dungeons. I want to know about local Ayleid ruins.”

The orc snorted again.

“Little out of your weight class, doncha think?”

“You'll pardon me if I don't defer to your judgment.”

She squinted her small orange eyes at him. The elf cleared his throat.

Swag shook his head.

“I mean, try me.” he amended.

“You're not my type.” she growled. “Too breakable.”

“Baby, I'm everybody's type.” he said, quailed only slightly as she sized him up, and continued. “But what I really want is just locations to the north, and maybe a little bit of what you might know about places like that.”

“Why Ayleids specifically?” the elf asked.

Swag shrugged.

“Go big or go home, right?”

“Think you got guts, huh? Best be careful nothing else gets a hold of them. You lookin' for Hrotanda Vale or Lipsand Tarn? Ninedava? Cloudtop?”

Gurza, I'm not certain-” the elf began.

“Nah. He wants to be bold? Let it get him what it gets him. Gimmie that map.”

She snatched it from him and, clutching a comically tiny graphite stick in her thick fingers, began marking things in.

“Plenty of scenic places to die up north.” the orc said, handing the map back. “Plenty of dead things to keep you company too, in those ruins. Watch your back, twig.”

“Thank you, kind lady, I won't take up any more of your time.”

“Yeah. I'll try not to kick your corpse when I stumble across it later.”

He waggled his hands in finger-guns as he backed away.

“Lookin' forward to the happy reunion!”

?~?~?~?~?

#sartorial sorcery #Swag!Riddler #Riddler Family #elder scrolls

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realityhelixcreates · 13 days

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By Talos, This Can't be Happening pt 15: The Black Horse Courier

Something politically significant happens, and Helix realizes they aren't when she thought they were.

@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions @whocares-idont

?~?~?~?~?

People scurried to and fro in the streets, greeting each other quietly, embracing, rushing back to their homes. An atmosphere of hushed anxiety hung over the city. Something had happened while he was inside the Fire and Steel, but people merely hurried past him, paying no attention to the stranger in the street. The area around the Great Oak had cleared out, and he hastened into the mages guild.

Every mage in the guild, as well as several guests were all gathered around Teekeeus, who held open a bulletin, reading aloud.

“-Emperor's murder, and the murder of his three sons, is a terrible crime, and a great tragedy for the Empire. Battlemage Ocato assures us that all the resources of the Elder Council, the Legions, the Guard, the Arcane University, and the Imperial Battle College are being employed to bring the assassins to justice. But, in the meantime, the greatest tribute we citizens can offer to the memory of our beloved Emperor is to go earnestly and diligently about our daily affairs, honoring the life of the great Empire he loved so much, and served so faithfully for so long.”

Oh. That sounded...kinda bad.

“Stendarr's mercy...” Alberic whispered. “What are we going to do? The Dragonfires...who will...”

“May Arkay guard their tomb.” Teekeeus rumbled. “We must go on. We may be called upon at any time.”

Everyone looked shocked, distressed. But Helix...Helix looked absolutely bewildered. Swag sidled up next to her, took her hand.

“Hey.” he said quietly. “Lets go downstairs and talk, alright?”

Helix nodded.

“Yes.” Teekeeus said. “Everybody...take these moments with those close to you. I am closing the guild to visitors for the day.”

Swag led Helix downstairs, sat her down next to her alchemical experimentations. She was shocked near silence, consternation carved between her eyebrows.

“Talk to me, Starlight. This is something big, isn't it? Bigger than maybe they know?”

“It's...the Emperor is dead.”

“I gathered.”

“Uriel Septim the seventh has been assassinated.”

“Okay. Real sad. Tragic. Is that gonna cause us any problems?”

“I-I don't know how this could have happened.”

“Babe, anyone can die. I didn't know you cared.”

“No! It's...”

She gestured, spinning her hands in confusion.

“When I was here before...Uriel Septim had been dead for two hundred years.”

He leaned back, trying to figure that out.

“You mean we're in the past?”

“I don't know! You know, not all worlds are contemporary. They don't always line up. I mean, Bambi's world is almost twenty years behind yours. Verdancy is only eight years old. It doesn't even have a calendar. If this world really forgot me...We could have been dropped in at any time, and it would only be the 'present'. But I read about this. This assassination is hugely significant, but it's been so long, I can't remember exactly what it was. A major war, I think. I didn't read the whole book, I should have read the whole book...”

“You didn't know it was gonna ever be important. I mean, two hundred years?” Swag swung his hand in a circle. “It would be like watching the White House burn and lamenting that you hadn't studied the War of Eighteen-Twelve enough to know it was gonna happen. When was it ever gonna come up?”

“Maybe more like just now learning about atomic weapons because you never finished a book on world war two.”

“Happened on your world too?”

“Nope. Well, the war definitely did, but the atomic weapon thing didn't. We were only in the earliest stages of understanding nuclear energy when I was young. I'm talking like, the radium paint stage. The things you can do...with your cellphones, and satellites, and computers? That looks like magic to me.”

“It that why you text so shitty?” he teased. She rolled her eyes.

“There's not even any buttons!” she protested. “You live in a cyberpunk dystopia!”

“Sure do! But, seriously, do we need to run?”

Helix shook her head.

“There's nowhere to go. This thing spreads out over the whole continent. It wasn't a war of succession, it was something else, some kind of invasion. I really should remember this. Something that was biding its time. Why don't I remember?”

“Don't worry about it.” Swag shrugged. “We'll find out eventually.”

“That's what I'm worried about.”

He looped an arm around her shoulders and she huddled against his side.

“So we navigate this together. Just like everyone else is gonna have to. Grab up whatever spells you can, and me, I got some armor on order. We just try to make ourselves as safe as possible. Oh, did I tell you? I saw the best armor while I was out. It was green and shiny. I want it.”

“Oh, glass? Of course you do, you magpie! Have to trawl around in the ruins though. That stuff don't come cheap.”

“So I hear. Well, there's a lot of adventurers around town right now. Maybe we could get some advice. Not this moment though, I think everyone's taking an evening to themselves, and I think we should too.”

“I think you're right.”

She retrieved a small vial of pale oil from where it was distilling, swirling it around in the light.

“Lavender oil.” she said. “Would you go get us some food?”

“Sure thing.”

He opted for more simple finger foods, taking a guess at what she had in mind, though he nearly tripped over Teekeeus in the process.

The lizardman looked a bit rough, at least as far as Swag could tell. Argonian expression was something of a mystery to him, but the slumped shoulders were readable in any body language. The normally bright patches of neon green around his eyes were pale. Even his horns seemed to be drooping a bit.

“Oh.” he rumbled. “You are still here.”

“Should I be gone?” Swag asked, still holding up the plate. Surely he hadn't run out his welcome already.

“No, I mean...No one would blame you if the two of you sought to return to Skyrim. Or High Rock. To be with family.”

“Ah. Well, lemmie be straight wit'chu then. We don't have any. It's just us against the world.”

And how!

“Wherever you lay your head is home? It's a terrible kind of freedom, isn't it?”

The weary Argonian seemed a little different in that moment. For all his cushy job and strict attitude, he hadn't always been here, had he? Helix had thought they were rare in the Empire, and why might that be?

Helix hadn't mentioned prejudices, but why should she have to? People were people everywhere, and Swag didn't have the same optimistic outlook about them as Helix did.

“It's not ideal, no. But we've lived like this for some time.”

Helix, a multiversal nomad. Himself, setting up little rat's nests all over the city. Eventually settling down into something that pretended to be routine, only to have it all ripped away, if only temporarily.

It had to be temporarily.

Helix would get herself around to all the cities she needed to. She would get them into the University. And she would find what they needed to get home.

All while there was a major war going on. While an empire was in the throes of a huge political upheaval.

Shit.

“You may be better suited to survive the next little while than the rest of us then. But do remember; while you are here, you are one of us. We will not abandon you. But we expect the same treatment, to the best of your ability.”

“That is...incredibly fair.”

It really was. Helix might fit in just fine, but he was no mage, and no warrior. He was kinda dead weight, if he was to be brutally honest about it, but he didn't want to think about that for too long. Helix would deny it up and down, and she would never even entertain the thought of leaving him behind. It was good to know these folks might feel the same.

Maybe people weren't always what he expected them to be.

“Go on.” Teekeeus waved him away with his russet claws. “She awaits, no doubt. Tell her I wish to see her potions tomorrow. Make things feel...normal.”

“Gotcha, boss.”

Man he was taking this hard, wasn't he? Maybe Swag should pretend to actually care, if people loved this dead emperor so much. He did not want to become a target for other people's grief-anger.

He snagged a jug of water on the way back downstairs, past Angalmo, a very tall elf who didn't even take a moment from staring despondently out a window in order to acknowledge him, down into the cellar.

Helix had a new solution distilling, and the lanterns draped with thin cloth, dimming the light.

Their clothes must have come back from the cleaners, because she was wearing his purple shirt and...next to nothing else.

He took a deep breath, and set the food down on a small table.

“Sure you wanna eat first?”

She nodded once, all kinds of hunger in her eyes, so he brought the plate over to the bed and cuddled up with her on top of the blankets. There they traded bits of fruit and kisses, until some slight little nagging curiosity broke his silence.

“What are we gonna do if we can't get back home?”

“We will.” she insisted.

“I know, but what if we can't?”

He plucked a salad tomato from the plate and popped it into her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully.

“You and I have both built new lives before. We can do it again. We both have skills that are useful in this world.”

He gave her a Look.

“I call bullshit. I'm a drag on you and we both know it.”

“You're not! Maybe you aren't much of an adventurer, but that's just because you purposefully buried or excised most of the parts of you that had any adventurer experience. For, you know, Reasons.”

He wasn't sure he'd call being a homicidal terrorist 'adventuring experience', but...actually, maybe it wasn't all that different. Crawling around in weird places, always on the move, making contacts, making enemies, bashing things in the head, annoying the shit out of local authorities...Yeah, okay she had a point.

“If it became clear that there is no way out, we could easily settle down basically anywhere. I'm an herbalist, I can make potions and medicine, I can heal people and animals. I even know a bit of midwifery. That knowledge is valued literally everywhere. There is no city or settlement that would refuse someone with those skills.

And you know how to do so many different things! Beyond your incredible sewing and styling skills, or being a fashion influencer, you also know how to run a successful business. You get the logistics, the strategy, you know finance, you understand economics. That's why you handle the money. You know how. I look at numbers, and they tell me to go fuck myself. You look at numbers and they dance for you. You're charming, you have presence, and you know how to work people. You're a genius, and it still shows. So I think, whatever happens, we'll be okay.”

He squirmed under the compliments, unreasonably pleased. Of course, he knew all of those things, but damn if they didn't become somehow more real coming from someone else.

“Now why don't you let me get some of that stress out of you? Get out of those clothes.”

He growled playfully.

“You're so forward! You too. Although, you look cute in that shirt. Who's your tailor?”

Actually, his shirt fit her very poorly. It was too long at the hemline and cuffs, too tight around her upper arms, and would never be able to close over her breasts. But that wasn't the point. The point was that it was his shirt, and she was wearing it.

“Oh, just some guy!” she laughed, retrieving the little vial of lavender oil she'd showed him earlier. “This first.”

“Some genius, you mean. You just said it, too late to take it back!” He stripped out of the nice new clothing pretty easily, but he drew it out once he noticed how her eyes lingered on him. He knew he cut a good figure for the body type he had, and he did everything possible to keep it that way.

Considering the amount of damage that body had taken over the years, it was as much a matter of health as it was vanity.

He slid back into bed as she shucked his ill-fitting shirt, and she shoved him over onto his stomach, straddling his rear.

“Okay.” he said, amused.

It was always a little funny when she got physically rough with him, considering what she could usually do with her magic. All the amazing, terrifying, sexy things she could do with her magic.

Total spacial control. Think about it.

She drizzled the oil onto his back, its clean floral scent floating through the room, and spread it over his skin with warm, slightly rough hands. Helix was a clumsy masseuse, but she put her whole body into it, and she didn't need to be a professional for her touch to be soothing.

There was something better about knowing they could get by. Even if they were stuck forever, as awful as that would be, she was right. They had both rebuilt themselves from the ground up before, and as hard as it was, they could do it again. It was all about survival. They were good at survival.

And this time, they wouldn't even be alone. He would follow her lead, and she would never leave him behind.

Her lips brushed up his neck, into the short hairs at the base of his head, drawing out a delicious shiver. Now was the time to forget about things.

He flipped over beneath her, spreading her oiled hands out over his narrow chest. Then he grasped her by the hips, and they went to town.

?~?~?~?~?

#swag!riddler #helix #the elder scrolls #crossover fic

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arcturite · 3 years

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random npc event (half-assed warm up+wind down sketches of random npcs)

#The Elder Scrolls #Oblivion #Morrowind #Skyrim #fawkes pst pst pst #valen dreth #city-swimmer #aincantar #erana #teekeeus #rollie the guar

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teekeeus87 · 5 years

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https://www.instagram.com/p/BzScqdzoKN7/

One of my works in C4D

#3dobject #house #render #abandonedhouse #3d #object #teekeeus

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clannfearrunt · 7 years

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I still don’t know how to draw Argonians lol

Caennor, my boy mage, is Adopted into the guild

#teekeeus #tes ocs #Caennor #the elder scrolls #oblivion #tes oblivion #this nearly died in my drafts lmao

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morihaus · 3 years

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brynjolf letting you into the thieves guild even if you just drop the ring down a canal and dont do the job is the spiritual successor for teekeeus writing you a recommendation to the mages guild even if you do the opposite of what he says and give the book to earana instead of him

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nightingaletrash · 5 years

Conversation

Iriana: can I get a recommendation?

Kalthar: *stealing the Seer's Stone*

Kud-Ei: *trying to stop Varon from harassing Ardeline*

J'skar and Volanaro: *pranking Jeanne*

Caminalda: *murdering merchants*

Falcar: *murdering Associates*

Earana: *spying on Teekeeus*

Erthor: *summoning zombies*

Iriana: can I please get a recommendation?!

#oblivion #the mages guild #iriana ravenwatch #kalthar #kud-ei #j'skar #volanaro #caminalda #falcar #earana #erthor

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lostwithinoblivion · 7 years

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Teekeeus is glad to get the book instead of that woman. He’ll write a recommendation for Arturia now. If she wants to ascend in ranks, she’ll have to get recommendations from every Guild Hall in Cyrodiil. It will keep her busy for a while.

#oblivion #elder scrolls 4 #elder scrolls iv #tes4 #tesiv #fate stay #fate zero #fate series #arturia pendragon #saber #role #roleplay #rp #story

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universallyladybear · 5 years

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Héros que nous aimerions voir au Major - DOTABUFF

Héros que nous aimerions voir au Major – DOTABUFF

Image de TeeKeeuS

La deuxième majeure de la saison DPC 2019-2020 approche à Leipzig, en Allemagne. 15 000 points Pro Circuit et 1 000 000 $ USD sont à gagner et tout le monde a un coup égal à obtenir la plus grande pièce.

Dans le dernier tournoi majeur, TNC a fini par tout gagner dans un tournoi où de nombreuses équipes de niveau 1 ont choisi de se reposer plutôt que d'y assister. Le temps de…

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numbertwohero · 7 years

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teekeeus won't give me the fuckin,, recommendation like there's no dialogue option where i can ask for it and the quest marker still points to him....... my dude i need that

#do i have to complete part II first bc thats what i plan on doing #yvespeak

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nerevar-quote-and-star · 2 years

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#oblivion sexyman poll

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therealityhelix · 2 years

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By Talos, This Can’t be Happening pt 26

Happy Tamriel Tuesday Wednesday! I forgor...

Rated PG13 for: Blood, violence, sexual situations, bad puns, and other poor life decisions.

@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions

?~?~?~?~?

The road back was peaceful, though Helix did keep glancing at his backpack. He'd have to offload that book as soon as possible. It was an insidious thing that seemed to still be whispering to her. He should probably read it himself, before it tempted her to try and take it from him.

Swag tromped along a little faster. The sooner they were back in town, the better.

There was a large gathering under the Great Oak. Part of the Fighters and Mages Guilds, the glass elf and orc adventuress, Rasheda, Dar-Ma, and several townfolk and guards surrounded Earana and Teekeeus, who were arguing loudly.

Both spotted Swag and Helix at the same time.

“You!” they shouted in unison.

Well shit.

“Do you have it?” Teekeeus asked.

“Hand it over!” Earana demanded. “I'll get your payment, and this can be behind all of us.”

“You cannot let her touch it!” Teekeeus insisted. “It is too dangerous!”

“The guild is weak from bureaucracy and politics! They can't contain or control these artifacts anymore! Besides, we had a bargain!”

So many eyes. Surrounded by the gazes of people he knew, people he didn't. Helix placed her hand on his arm, as the ring of stares tightened. He had to make his name right now.

Swag set his backpack on the ground and slowly, deliberately, and above all, dramatically lifted the netted book into the light.

He should give it to Earana. They did have a bargain. This was a world of spoken contracts. To break an agreement was to compromise his honor, as good as publicly declaring himself untrustworthy to the entire gathering.

His honor? Ha.

He didn't have honor. No, he should give the book back to Helix. She was the most powerful being he'd ever known. This could surely be trusted to her capable hands.

Anything but the Mages Guild. If anything went wrong while it was in the guildhall, they might all die, and he didn't want that, did he?

Swag handed the book to Teekeeus. The lizardman didn't even hesitate; he stuffed the book into his robes without even trying to look at it.

“Man, you weren't kidding, that book is a dickhole.”

Earana shrieked in frustration, throwing her hands up in the air. A huge globe of flame formed above her head.

Swag gripped his cane. One shot, most likely, before she took out the entire gathering. He had to drop her in one shot. He knew where to strike, right across the skull...

The sound of a dozen weapons blended in metallic harmony beneath the crackling of flame. The guards men, guild fighters, adventurers, and Rasheda had all drawn steel. Teekeeus and the mages filled their hands with deadly power. Even Dar-Ma had her clawed fists clenched.

Chorrol was tired of Earana.

She hesitated, the fireball shrinking back down.

“Lady, you gotta ask yourself, is this really you? Or are you being led?” Swag asked quietly. “Even I had that thing scraping around in my brain. Look at it this way: you ain't getting that book. No matter what you do here, it ain't happening. You gonna die here, or you gonna walk away to look for some other artifact somewhere else?”

Hatred shone in her bark brown eyes, but she lowered her arms. The mages let their magic fade.

“Citizens, please sheathe your weapons.” One of the guardsmen said. “Madam, we will escort you to gather your things, and then to the gate. Please allow us to resolve this peacefully.”

“You've made an enemy this day, you dim-witted traitor.” Earana growled, but she followed the guards nonetheless.

“Oh cool, 'cause I've never done that before!” Swag called after her.

“Everybody okay?” Helix asked the gathered crowd. There was a general round of affirmations, as various citizens began to break away to go back about their business.

“I'm going to go put this in a secure place.” Teekeeus said. “And pen that recommendation. You have both done impressively well.”

Helix followed the rest of the mages back into the guild hall, as the gro-Baroth brothers approached him.

“She was a piece of work, huh?” Lum asked.

“We checked into your claim of goblin activity in the old mine.” Kurz said. “The Countess has given permission to collapse the mine so this can't happen again. Right on our doorstep. I almost can't believe it. Damn shame about the farmer's boy, but...”

“At least you'll make sure it can't happen again.” Swag said.

“We.” Kurz said firmly. “Any able bodied worker in the city. We'll need every hand we can get. Besides, I wanna see you get your hair messed up, just once.”

Swag's hand went to his makeshift spikes. His hairstyle was, frankly, iconic, and he put a lot of effort into it. More here, since he didn't have his proper products, and couldn't get it into quite the right shape. But it was as close as he could manage with what he had, and he was still proud.

“C'mon man.” he half whined. The brothers laughed.

“Get some rest pretty boy.” Lum teased. “We're gonna have a busy coupla days.”

He wasn't kidding! Dozens of workers moved through the mines, removing goblin bodies to be burned, and making sure there weren't more. Rocks were piled against the exposed city foundations, and then each chamber and tunnel were carefully and methodically collapsed. The Guild mages came in very handy there, blasting away old supports from a safe distance.

In the end, there was only a depression in the forest floor where the mine used to be. Swag was covered in dust and sweat, his hair was very messed up, and Lum laughed at him. Helix was equally messy, so the two of them slipped away from the celebrating workers, deeper into the woods, to a slow, trickling stream that pooled at the base of an enormous tree. Together they stripped off their grungy clothes, dunking them, and then themselves into the cold water.

Helix hung the clothing over branches, lighting a small fire beneath them to help them dry. Then she laid back in the water next to him, letting it's refreshing flow rinse over them both.

“We're going to have to leave soon.” she said. “Teekeeus is going to send out my recommendation tomorrow. I don't know if the University is even taking new applicants right now, but it's still our best bet.”

“How soon?” Swag asked. “We should stick around till I get the rest of my armor, at least.”

“Yeah, once we've got our supplies in order. So, should we go East or West?”

To the

“West.”

And green.

“That's Skingrad then. I wonder what it's like?”

“Guess we'll find out.”

They soaked in the cold water until shivering and clean, climbing out to drip beside the fire until dry.

“Gonna kinda miss our cellar.” Swag said, pulling his clothes back on. “Hope the Skingrad Guild is friendly.”

“I'm not going to stay with them if they don't let you in. Had a talk with Angalmo about Guild politics; they need all the new recruits they can get. I'll leverage that in our favor, and I won't even feel bad about it.”

“I thought I heard Teekie say something about that.” he said as they wandered back to the city, taking in the colors of the sunset. “Said the Archmage had banned Necromancy from the Guild, and a whole bunch of Guild mages resigned over it.”

“Huh. That...is probably not good, actually.”

He regarded Helix with surprise.

“Thought that would'a pleased you.”

“Well I don't disagree with the idea, but the implementation backfired, didn't it? Now they have a bunch of Necromancers and rogue mages roaming all over the countryside. I mean, look at it this way-do you want to eat at the Guild, or the Oak and Crosier?”

They had crossed the gate into the city, where the celebration had spilled over.

“Oh, let's try something new.”

“Cool, so look at it this way; he's the Archmage right? He has a whole council, all the instructors, all of the Guildmasters to check in with. It would have been easy to figure out how the Guild as a whole would feel about this. So there's two possibilities for what happened here. Either the Archmage is so out of touch that he didn't ask anybody before passing this ban, or he had been advised on how it might damage the guild, and forced the ban anyway. Neither paint a good picture.”

The Oak and Crosier was packed; the proprietess-a cat in a dress this time-rushed tirelessly from table to table. She had them seated and browsing menus in short order, linen towels and a bowl of warm, rosemary scented water to clean their hands.

The menu was mostly drinks, of which the Khajiit owner seemed quite proud. Swag found, to his relief, an entire list of non-alcoholic offerings. It would have felt embarrassing to order water in what was clearly this world's equivalent of a high class eatery.

Mulberry cider caught his curiosity. Had he tried mulberries before? They sounded familiar.

Helix informed him after he'd ordered it and a prunelle wine for her that he had, in fact, had mulberries many times before. She had several trees in her garden, and Narci favored using the berries in baked goods. To him, they would have seemed like a weird raspberry, and now that she mentioned it, he did remember eating some things that had weird berries in them. He remembered liking them, but he liked most things Helix fed to him.

He was happy to let her ramble on about her plants, placing an order for the 'three course', which would be seasonal, and just listening to her explain the speed at which the trees grew, the different species, the uses of the wood, the bark, the leaves, and their importance in the silk and paper industries. How gathering the berries at the height of summer with her daughter and Narci had become a treasured tradition, how Narci snuck berries like a little kid, but the staining around his mouth always gave him away. How Madeline would purposefully smash the berries against her skin to stain it purple, her favorite color.

It sounded adorable, and he sipped his surprisingly delicious cider while she drifted from mulberry trees to other parts of her garden paradise, to Narci's steady progress as a sorcerer and as a person, to how fast Madeline was growing up.

He'd seen her recently; she was the kind of rough edged and energetic pre-teen he imagined Helix must have been at that age. He was glad Helix had explained that she would be taken care of in their absence. Narci might be willing to give his life to protect her, but that didn't mean he was at all capable of taking care of a kid.

Their courses arrived, one by one, a board of cheeses and sliced fruits, an egg pie full of leeks and some kind of oddly flavored but delicious bird, and a dessert of stewed plums in spiced honey, and sprinkled with large, crunchy crystals of sugar. They were provided with plenty of fresh bread to scoop up any leftover juices or honey, and then left to their own devices.

Music drifted above the voices of the patrons, catching in his head as others started singing along. A soft euphoria slowly stole over him, and he found himself singing with them. Knowing the words or tune wasn't necessary, it was the camaraderie that counted. Unacknowledged as he was, he'd helped protect this town, and he'd helped collapse the mine with everyone else, and he felt very, very good.

His sweet little lover had a glassy look in her eyes, also trying to sing along to a song she didn't even know. She caught him staring and gave him an inviting, sloppy kind of grin.

“You wanna go back now?” she asked, her voice lilting oddly. “I...I think I might need help though.”

“Yeah, think it's time. I think...think we gotta help each other.”

And so they wandered back to the Guild, leaning on each other, wobbling and stumbling through the clean, quiet streets. They were lucky not to break either of their necks falling down the cellar stairs; as it was they toppled, giggling, into the bed they'd claimed as their own.

“Edwaaaard...I don't think I can get out of these clothes by myself.” Helix mumbled.

And Swag knew exactly what to do about that.

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#by talos this can't be happening #sartorial sorcery #Swag!Riddler #Riddler Family #elder scrolls

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realityhelixcreates · 2 months

Text

By Talos, This Can't be Happening pt. 13: If You've Got the Aptitude

Swag gets put on the spot, and is a bit grumpy about it.

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His name was Teekeeus, and he was an iguana in a dress. Okay, robe. He was also the Guildmaster for the Chorrol chapter, and Swag absolutely embarrassed both himself and Helix, right in front of him.

He'd just been right inside the door, and had greeted them enthusiastically immediately upon entry, and Swag hadn't been expecting that at all. It really wasn't fair. Helix was more surprised by his sudden startled curse and retreat than she was by the actual lizard man in front of her.

Yeah, Helix had mentioned 'beastmen' but he'd been envisioning like, humans dressed in furs, wearing animal skulls, that sort of thing. Not a goddamn Sleestak!

“Ehh, is your friend feeling all right, young lady?” Teekeeus asked, his voice a low, accented, gravelly rumble. “He seems faint.”

Swag straightened himself back up, supported by the doorjamb. Helix stared at him.

“Um, well, he's...he's from far to the north.”

“Markarth.” Swag muttered.

“I see. Yes, I understand.” Teekeeus growled. “No, we do not like the cold. You would not have seen many of us, if any. But grow accustomed quickly, young man. I have no patience for backwater attitudes.”

Swag glued his gaze to the floor. Helix coughed. Well. This was definitely not his most charming moment.

“Sorry.”

“It's my fault, I'm afraid.” Helix said, chagrined. “I should have elaborated.”

“Very well. You are welcome here anyway, as I said. Clearly, you are new here in town. Have you perhaps decided to join the guild? If you intend to spend time in Chorrol, it would be a good idea. Steady money, and people get to know you. And as your skills improve, you might earn recommendations to the Arcane University, if your ambition lies in that direction.”

“It does, actually.” Helix said. “But staying local for a little while sounds good too. Would you have me?”

“Certainly, if you have the aptitude.” Teekeeus said. “We do not turn away those who are willing to put in the effort.”

Helix held her hand in the air, and her little ball of light appeared in her palm.

“Ah good! You have some learning already. An excellent start. Well, acceptance to the guild is an honor as well as a responsibility. It is no small matter, but it appears you are ready. You are now an associate of the mages guild, and the full hall is available to you. Good luck!”

He clapped her on the shoulder with one clawed hand. The whole time Swag couldn't help but wonder how he was even speaking, with a face shaped like that. With all those teeth. Without any lips!

“Glad to be here!” she said, clearly not perturbed at all. But then, she spoke to dragons regularly, so what did he know? Not near damn enough, obviously. “You wouldn't happen to have alchemy equipment here would you?”

“But of course!” Teekeeus laughed, a rough, threatening sound that set Swags hair on end. “I had you pegged for an alchemist the moment you walked in.”

“Well, I do kind of wear it on my sleeve. Or rather, around my shoulders.” she joked, and they both laughed.

Man, she really could make friends with any goddamn thing, couldn't she?

“Edward, I'm going to be downstairs for a while.” she said, grabbing his attention. “I've got a lot to do.”

“I can occupy myself.” he said. She nodded, and headed into the cellar. How long was a while though?

“Not a mage, are you.” It was a statement rather than a question. An older man, sitting at a small table, flipping through a book, glanced up at him. He gestured at the chair across from him. Swag took a seat.

“Nope. Not really into all this magic stuff. Is it that obvious?”

“Not until you said so. But I figured if you're from deep enough in Skyrim to not know what an Argonian is, you probably don't have much experience with magic either.”

“More than you might expect.” Swag grumbled. He was sulking, and yeah it was petty of him, but damn this was getting annoying.

“With the Breton lass? Or...with the Breton lass?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you know, the fighters guild is just next door. You could spend some time there, if you are uncomfortable here.”

Swag shrugged. “Not really a fighters guild type guy either. I'm a...a tailor.”

“Oh yes? Let the locals know and you'll be knee deep in work in no time.”

“That so?” It would be time consuming, but it might be better than braving old ruins filled with the walking dead.

“Chorrol likes to style itself like the Imperial City in miniature. It's a fine place to live, but you do need money to do so. A clothier could make a fine living here.”

“I'll give it some thought. So, what else is there to do around here besides fighting and magic? And am I really allowed to be in here? The lady at the Bruma guild wouldn't let me in.”

“Bruma? Let's see, that would be...Jeanne Frasoric. Yes. Hm. Well, she has a rather exclusionary view of the guilds responsibilities. I feel her guild suffers for it.”

“So I've heard.”

“Well, you will find we take a different view of our responsibilities here in Chorrol. As long as you are willing to learn, or are with someone who is, and you don't cause trouble, we won't force you out. Alberic Litte, by the way.”

He held a hand out to clasp Swags wrist in greeting.

“Edward Nigma. Mostly pleased to be here.” “Heh. Clever wordplay there. Is that how you sign your name? In any case, there are also a few taverns, the smith, our general goods store, the bookstore...Oh.” he had noticed how Swag brightened up at that. “If you're literate, we do have a library upstairs. Are you interested in books?”

“You could say that.” he reached for a book from a nearby stack on the table, but Alberic grabbed his hand. “Not those! They won't do you any good, and besides, they're expensive and a bit dangerous for you. These are spellbooks. The library is upstairs, and the books do not leave it, you understand?”

“Absolutely. I can just go up there and read whatever?”

“Yes. We have several regular visitors who do just that, but again, no books leave the library. And if you see any with these sigils on them-” he gestured to the spellbooks on the table, each illustrated with a distinctive symbol. “Leave them be. They might damage you, if you were to try and read them.”

That felt a bit insulting. So maybe he had to play the part of someone who was unfamiliar with magic. That didn't mean he was incapable of understanding it! He was pretty sure he could learn a spell, if he wanted to...he just didn't want to. He didn't see the world in mystical ways, like Helix did. It was all waves and numbers, and magic just wasn't like that. It was something that lay beneath the numbers, a current beyond the waves. Wasn't it?

“Gotcha. Uh, if she asks for me, that's where I'll be.”

Now this was more like it! The second floor of the guild was full of tables, desks, reading nooks, and wall to wall bookshelves.

He settled himself down into a cozy stuffed chair, and got started.

There was so much to go through. Geography, speculative fiction, the entire sordid history of the empire, magical theory, epic poetry, religious philosophy, juicy biographies, disjointed occult scribblings. Swag read until the sun went down, until the magical lanterns began to hurt his eyes. He removed his glasses, and pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on.

“Hey.”

Helix looked about as worn out as he felt. He'd forgotten to go remind her to un-shrimp herself, which meant she'd probably been hunched over her work, not eating or drinking or moving for hours. She had a plate of finger foods, and a carafe of what turned out to be apple juice, which she placed on the little end table next to him, while he set his latest book aside. Then she climbed into his lap, and they wrapped their arms comfortably around each other.

“I'm sorry.” she murmured. “I really should have explained more about the kinds of people we might meet. I don't know why it didn't cross my mind. I guess I just thought Argonians were rare in the empire. When I was in Skyrim, I only met two. But obviously that was extremely wrong.”

He sighed wearily, wincing as his head throbbed.

“Just...is there anything else?”

“There's Khajiit. They're cat people. Like literally. And orcs. Big, green, tusks. And that's just alongside the humans and elves. They all live together. You know about the monsters, and there's all manner of undead, and of course even the people can be dangerous. There's bandits and rogue wizards, and necromancers. Also goblins and ogres, and the lesser daedra. They're kinda like demons, but not exactly. But close enough. There were giants up north, but I don't know if they live south of the Jeralls, and they weren't dangerous if you left them alone. And of course there's the bears, and wolves, and other wild animals.”

While she spoke, she withdrew a strip of cambium she'd pried from a fallen branch some time ago, and snipped off a small piece. Trusting her as always, he popped it into his mouth and began to chew. He gestured to his latest book.

“Different types of magic. Pretty wild stuff. There's mind control magic though, and I'm not so comfy with that. You don't...you don't do that, do you?”

“You mean charm spells and things? I don't have to. It can be useful, when some wolf is trying to bite you in the ass or something, but I don't have to.”

“What if it happens to one of us? Like, if someone gets in a lucky shot?”

“Ah well, most versions of a charm spell really only lead the person to a favorable attitude towards the caster. Like, you think they're your friend, or you calm down if they've gotten you aggressive. Some of the stronger iterations can open you up to suggestion however. If we run into someone powerful enough to do that, we're pretty much fucked though. But...if you think someone's done that to me, get the hell out of there. There are spells that can counter it, so I'll try to find one. Maybe Alberic has one. I'll see tomorrow.”

“Did you finish up your concoctions?” he asked. She shook her head.

“Still have a bit left. Filtering for some, and maceration for others. Everything is prepared though, and tomorrow I'll be able to get the bulk of it finished.”

“Man, magical chemistry sounds like a lot of work.”

“Worth it though. Portable spell effects for people who don't cast, or for when a mage is low on energy. And even if you can cast, sometimes the potions you make can have effects more powerful than your skill at casting the same spell. There are a few things that can work like that. Potions, enchanted items, spell scrolls. Gotta be careful with the scrolls though. They are actual spells, inscribed on the paper, not just effects, and if you try to use one that's too advanced, It can go really wrong.”

“Like, what kind of wrong?”

“Fizzle out and do nothing. Blow up in your hands. Have the opposite effect, or some random effect. It's unpredictable, but you definitely don't want it to happen.”

“Damn, why even do it then?”

“Again, it's an option for people who don't cast. Even you could cast a spell from a scroll.”

Swag rolled his eyes.

“What's this 'even you' shit, huh? Just because I have to pretend to be some kinda country yokel don't mean I actually am one. Not that that's actually bad or any...shit.”

Her eyes had scooted away from his face, fixed on the wall in an effort to not let him know she felt insulted, but he could tell.

“How's the head?” she asked in an even tone.

“It's better, actually.” He spit out the thoroughly shredded bit of bark and set it on the edge of their untouched plate.

“It's willow bark. Precursor to aspirin.”

Country yokel wisdom. He was being a fucking pill and it needed to stop. There was nothing sexy about petulance. He grabbed up a little slice of toasted bread, smeared with herb butter, and held it to her mouth.

“We should eat. And probably rest.”

She bit into the bread, a concession of peace. He'd find some way to make it up to her. He was just...weary. So incredibly tired. He hadn't walked this much in such a short time, well, ever. He hadn't been surrounded by so much hostility and danger for years. He'd forgotten how exhausting it was. And how nasty it made him.

“So did you get any scrolls for me?” he asked, and her eyes slid back to him for a moment before returning to the wall.

“Wouldn't have thought you'd want any. I'm not gonna foist any magic on you. I know you only tolerate it because you like the rest of me.”

No way. She didn't really think that did she? How long had she thought that? How long had he let her think that?

“No, wait. Wait wait.” he cupped her chin, turning her face to look him in the eye. “ Don't think like that. That's not true. No, it's not.” he said to her narrowed, skeptical gaze. “I really don't like motherfucking grayface wizards who treat us like entertainment, and inflict extra suffering for their primetime amusement. I hate magic that's used to hurt me and the people I care about. But that ain't you. That's never been you. You're magic the way it should be. Beautiful and wonderful, and mysterious. And yeah, kinda scary sometimes, but like, I could say the same thing about a tiger or a gun. Don't mean I hate either of those things. I don't have any secret dislike for you, and I sure as hell do more'n 'tolerate'. So don't you go thinking thoughts like that. That's just little brainworms tryin'a lie to you.”

“We...really should eat.” she said, abashment growing roses in her cheeks.

“Yeah.”

They shared the little tidbits between them, and while she wasn't wearing that nice, easily removed wrap dress, she was still warm on his thighs, plump as a peach against his lean lines, and softly scented by the herbs she'd been handling.

The guild actually provided beds for their associates, and they both gratefully piled into the sizeable double in the cellar, not far from Helix's spagyric efforts. There they collapsed, too fatigued for anything else.

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#swag!riddler #helix #the elder scrolls #crack fic #crossover fic

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