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shijiujun · 4 years ago

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Hope everyone is partying (by yourself, spiritually, or with people, all are totally fine) well into the Christmas weekend! I am back with even more recs (I’ll prolly give it a rest at the 10th one sorry for the spam guys)! This one I just finished a few days ago, because CHINA BOOKSTORE PUBLISHED THIS ON CHRISTMAS WITH MANY GOODIES!! And I was like oh cute long-hair dude, let me read this.

Anyway this is a fengshui + supernatural + body-switching type of novel, with a heavy focus on fengshui! I don’t know if everyone knows what fengshui is (I will prolly do a list for Chinese New Year) and I am no expert, but it’s basically like Chinese geomancy where you can calculate a person’s fate, wealth, marriage suitability etc. with things in an individual’s environment.

So a lot of Chinese people, for example businessmen when they have new offices or when couples renovate their homes, they may get a feng shui master to arrange furniture and add crystals or talismans or whatever to increase wealth/prosperity/happiness or harmonize bad energy etc., just an example. When you want to check the compatibility of yourself and your SO, some people do go to the fengshui master and calculate their 八字 (day, hour, time they were born + other things) to see when is an auspicious day to marry etc.

My ex-editor really believes in feng shui masters because hers really predicted a year that her husband got into hugeee trouble like almost to the day itself apparently. And she always wear an accessory with a snake on it because the master said

Written by the same author (Xi Zi Xu) who wrote Kaleidoscope of Death!

- Part of Min’s ‘Why You Should Read’ Series -

Summary:

This book is set in the normal, regular, law-abiding modern city world where fengshui is heavily believed in, and skilled masters can see spirits, bad energies. Where dogs can be reincarnated as humans, and there are demonic pets that humans can keep, and paper dolls can come to life basically.

Zhou Jia Yu is a government office worker who dies in a car accident one day, and wakes up in the body of another Zhou Jia Yu - a handsome man whose name is the same as his. He’s brought back by this spirit bird in his head called Ji Ba (pun not intended), who says that Zhou Jia Yu is fated to save Lin Zhu Shui, the young, blind fengshui master who has caught him.

Unfortunately, this second Zhou Jia Yu is a con-artist who has cheated the money of several families via fraudulent fengshui schemes, and his scams have led to the death of several children in the process. Legendary fengshui master Lin Zhu Shui and his disciples have caught/imprisoned this Zhou Jia Yu, not knowing that original conman Zhou Jia Yu has died (and therefore his soul is gone), leaving good citizen Zhou Jia Yu in the body of a conman.

Lin Zhu Shui intends to kill conman Zhou Jia Yu (not really kill, kill but probably will do something to his soul, considering there are laws against murder you know) when good citizen Zhou Jia Yu wakes up in this body, but because he has come back from the dead, his body and soul is considered an extremely yin (cold) body, which allows him to attract more bad spirits and energy, giving him an extraordinary, gifted ability to excel in the fengshui line. Of course, being the master that he is, Lin Zhu Shui also realizes that this Zhou Jia Yu (and his soul, in particular) is not the one he caught, and as he has an extremely yang (hot) body, the both of them are compatible with each other. Lin Zhuo Shui realizes that he can train Zho Jia Yu and then takes him on as his disciple.

Cue Zhou Jia Yu being tossed into a dangerous fengshui competition as he figures out just what Ji Ba wants him to do about Lin Zhu Shui. In the meanwhile, he falls in love with amazingly handsome, cool and aloof Lin Zhu Shui (who threatens to murder him if he doesn’t come out first in the competition), who keeps him warm when he gets unbearably cold due to his body condition. They also have to deal with an evil person working behind the scenes, and how Zhou Jia Yu eventually returns back into his own body at the end.

Read:

Novel (Online) | Novel (Print) - Dec 2020 Print | Novel Translations

Characters:

1. 周嘉鱼 Zhou Jia Yu (third from right) - A really cute government office worker whose soul was pulled into a conman’s body, who has the same name as he, when he got into a car accident. Has an extremely yin (cold) body which attracts spirits (good and bad), and allows him to see, smell or hear them more clearly than everyone else except for Lin Zhu Shui. He cooks extremely well too and is considered a treasure in the household by Lin Zhu Shui’s other disciples because none of them can cook for shit. They don’t initially know that this Zhou Jia Yu is not conman Zhou Jia Yu, although they suspect it, and once they fall in love with his cooking no one doubts him anymore HAHAHA.

He gets a feng shui tattoo personally done by Lin Zhu Shui who already knows that his soul was switched, a tattoo which is supposed to help him in feng shui matters. Gets a paper doll son halfway through the story, who he calls Xiao Zhi (little paper), which calls him Dad (and calls Lin Zhu Shui Big Dad - da baba) ;-; It’s the cutest shit ever.

There’s a mystical creature in the back of his head that speaks to him and helps him out on certain feng shui things, and helps him to explain what he’s seeing, but aside from telling Jia Yu that he’s supposed to save Lin Zhu Shui, the mystical bird thing is unable to tell him anything else. Within a few weeks of him waking up in this body, he’s sent by Lin Zhu Shui on an international feng shui competition without having any sort of basic knowledge, only innate talent, much to his panic XD As Lin Zhu Shui continues to protect him, teach him and tease/smile at him, Jia Yu, who is certified gay af, falls totally in love with the seemingly aloof and strict feng shui master.

They probably would have continued like this if not for Jia Yu’s body deteriorating because his body is technically not his and not compatible with his soul, and Lin Zhu Shui tries to find a way to save him, after seeing the future where Jia Yu’s body is rotting as he dies slowly over months and begging Lin Zhu Shui to kill him and let him die.

2. 林逐水 Lin Zhu Shui (third from left, right next to Jia Yu) - Long-haired, wears changshan perpetually and is blind, but can see more clearly than most people. He knows where everyone’s positions are exactly, and can see spirits etc. very well despite being blind. Considered a genius of the feng shui world and is the patriarch of one of the big feng shui families in the world - the Lin family. He’s a master at drawing talismans, carving crystals/gems and feng shui tattooing.

He’s so well-known that everyone wants to be his disciple, everyone wants to get a talisman/crystal/tattoo from him, everyone wants him to come and look at their houses, but he can’t be bothered with most people. He’s also super handsome? So a lot of girls (and guys) are always drooling over him.

He has an extremely yang (hot) body, which is supposed to naturally help to repel spirits and what not, but because of this he suffers a lot in the summer. His body condition is very rare and when he was younger, others said he would not live past 18 years old, and his parents gave up their lives to change his fate so he would survive. The feng shui master also predicted that Lin Zhu Shui would experience another calamity when he was 30 (thereabout), and that year, thankfully he has Jia Yu as his entire house caught on fire in the summer while he was in it (and cooling talismans and the house item placements meant to keep the house entirely cool in the summer were no longer working). Jia Yu helped him to cool down with his incredibly yin body.

Knows right off the bat that this is a different Jia Yu, and starts teaching him as one of his disciples. Can only eat the food hat Jia Yu cooks because his yin qualities transfer to the food he cooks as well, and Lin Zhu Shui usually cannot eat anything else that’s cooked outside. Gives Jia Yu a carved jade pendant he made himself that’s apparently worth thousands of dollars to keep him safe, and is a dumbass when it comes to confessing to Jia Yu hahahaha (although he’s successful at the end!)

3. 沈一穷 Shen Yi Qiong (second from right, dark skin tone) - Lin Zhu Shui’s youngest disciple and also Jia Yu’s best friend, technically. Brash but smart, and is always thirsting openly after his shifu Lin Zhu Shui, it’s hilarious! He’s a little jealous in the beginning because his shifu is showering Jia Yu with so much attention when he’s only been around for a week etc., but quickly gets used to it and supports Jia Yu. Jia Yu always makes fun of his tanned skin, then makes fun of his singlehood HAHA, while Shen Yi Qiong provides emotional support to Jia Yu, and by emotional support I mean when Jia Yu asks him what will happen to him if he loses the feng shui competition, Shen Yi Qiong pats him on the shoulder and asks him to choose a vase/pot pattern (like a ceramic pot where you put cremated ashes) = shifu will kill him if he loses the competition, so gets Jia Yu to choose a pot he likes so Shen Yi Qiong can help him put his ashes in HAHAHAHA. He is the last one to find a significant other, but the one he finds is like a legendary mystical creature who half deceives him into promising to marry him and then keeps chasing after Shen Yi Qiong so he can marry him XD

4. 林珏 Lin Jue (first from left) - Lin Zhu Shui’s cousin but technically his older sister because she brought him up after his parents died. Spends most of the novel being sad about her past lover who died because of an illness, and is wooed a few years later by a legendary golden dragon.

5. 小纸 Xiao Zhi (that little cute white thing on top of Jia Yu’s head) - A paper doll who’s given to Jia Yu after he helps out at the paper doll village/tribe, and grows up with Jia Yu and Lin Zhu Shui taking care of him. Is the cutest little shit ever, can speak, and calls Jia Yu ‘baba’ and Lin Zhu Shui ‘da baba’ i.e. dad and big dad. Very strong, and can protect Jia Yu very well.

Other Things I Like in the Novel:

Jia Yu basically goes to the feng shui competition and destroys everyone else because he’s just gifted in this aspect - When he wakes up, and in the days leading up to the competition, he doesn’t have a cellphone (Lin Zhu Shui and his disciples live in a remote part of town, a traditional-type house, one with nature) and after he wins the competition, other people want his phone number to contact him and he’s too embarrassed to say that he’s basically too poor to have a phone after rising from the dead, so he bluffs everyone and says “My shifu says that handphone signals and radiation will interfere with advanced feng shui readings so I don’t have one” and LITERALLY half of the feng shui training population gets rid of their phones on that day, gullible af

Everytime Jia Yu runs cold, he has to drink some of Lin Zhu Shui’s blood mixed with water/milk, and the man’s yang blood warms him up immediately

Jia Yu has to deal with four of Lin Zhu Shui’s disciples, all who are really suspicious of him because they think he’s the conman, and Jia Yu doesn’t realize they already know it’s not him until they defend him in front of other people, and he’s so touched

Shen Yi Qiong gets his marriage fortune told during one of the cases by accident. He asks when he’ll get married, and the thing replies “Seven Three” AND HE’S SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE he thinks that it means he’ll only get married when he’s 73. It’s a source of jokes between him, his other shixiongs and Jia Yu, but then towards the end he realizes what it means - His supposed match, a legendary mystical male weasel who’s 73 years old XD

Jia Yu keeps thirsting after Lin Zhu Shui, fully aware that he’s very gay himself, and he’s confessed to while he’s stuck in the haze of a high fever, so he thinks it’s a dream. Lin Zhu Shui doesn’t realize he forgot/thinks it’s a dream and is pissed that he’s rejected HAHAHA and then Lin Jue reminds him to not be a dumbass and confess properly, and so he does so again in an empty amusement park, after summoning evil spirits so they can fly in the air and make a heart shape just for Jia Yu while they’re on the ferris wheel XDDDD

#danmei #danmei recs #我五行缺你 #my five elements lack you #my five elements is short of you #西子绪 #xi zi xu #min's why you should read

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aurora077 · 3 years ago

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The Irwin Agenda Chapter 1

Summary:

Lan Wangji is pleased that his brother and Wei Ying seem to be getting along like a house on fire. Lan Xichen is most grateful for Master Wei’s help. Lan Qiren is just happy that for once it seems like Wei Wuxian is keeping out of trouble and is optimistic that Gusu Lan has finally managed to tame the beast. Unfortunately, he should have learned not to count his chickens before they hatched… and he really should have been focusing on taming a very different sort of beast. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13942581/1/The-Irwin-Agenda

Chapter 1 - Lan Xichen starts a project.

Disclaimer: I do not own MDZS/The Untamed.

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“Ah Wangji, there you are.”

“Xiongzhang. 😲 What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“No no, nothing at all other than, you know, the obvious. I’m sure you don’t need to hear all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

He cleared his throat, “Anyway I really came here to look for Wei Wuxian.”

Wangji blinked, indicating surprise.

“What does brother need with Wei Ying?”

“Hmm let’s just say I need his… expertise.”

Wangji’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly. “Brother isn’t thinking of….”

“Don’t be silly Wangji. I would never.” He’d leave the demonic cultivation and zombie best friends to Wei Wuxian, thank you very much. No, Lan Xichen needed him for a different type of expertise.

“Sect Leader Jiang visited the other day with Sect Leader Jin. He mentioned something to me and I need Wei Wuxian’s expert opinion.”

“You saw Sect Leader Jiang?” Wangji said, surprised once more.

“Indeed. We had tea while the kids were out doing whatever kids do when the adults aren’t watching. ” Technically they were young adults but, semantics.

Wangji’s mouth pursed slightly. He always looked like he’d bitten into a lemon whenever Sect Leader Jiang was mentioned (or present).

“Does Jiang Wanyin not know that brother is in seclusion?”

He frowned, “Wangji, you may not like him, but he is a sect leader. You ought to show due courtesy. Besides, I invited him.”

Lan Wangji was stunned. Why would his brother, who made it a point these days to avoid as many people as possible, take time from seclusion to have tea with Jiang Wanyin? He knew Xichen wasn’t in full seclusion, he’d come out for the banquet and other events important to the clan, but on a day to day basis the seclusion still stood. Which was why he was surprised Xichen was in the Jingshi to begin with, let alone looking for Wei Ying. Now he hears he’s been having tea with Wei Ying’s insufferable ex-shidi? What was the world coming to?

“Don’t look at me like that,” said Lan Xichen, “I’m perfectly capable of taking guests if I want to. And not all of us share your feelings about Sect Leader Jiang.”

Well, he could acknowledge that as true so he said nothing.

“Anyway, do you know where I might find Wei Wuxian?” continued Lan Xichen.

“Wei Ying is probably with the rabbits,” answered Lan Wangji. It was normal when he was busy with paperwork that Wei Ying would find other ways to amuse himself. The juniors were away on a night-hunt so the next best bet was the rabbits as Wei Ying was not currently occupied with any inventions.

“Thank you Wangji, I’ll see myself out.”

------------

Wei Wuxian was indeed with the rabbits. His stubborn donkey was unhappily chewing at a patch of grass next to him while the rabbits cowered away from the both of them.

He perked up upon spotting Lan Xichen. “Brother in law, what brings you here!”

“Well,” he said amused, “I might be here to relieve your boredom.”

Wei Wuxian sprung up excitedly. “What do you have planned?”

“A-Yuan said that you once managed to raise lotuses in the Burial Mounds.” “Yes, did you want me to help you grow some here?” It would make sense that Lan Xichen needed his help. Neither the Burial Mounds nor Cloud Recesses had the right environment for lotuses to grow. What Wei Wuxian did was ingenious and altogether unheard of. The Burial Mounds was inhospitable to life in general although, even if it wasn’t, lotuses wouldn’t have grown there; but Wei Wuxian made it happen. He could certainly make it happen here too in the cold, mountainous Cloud Recesses.

“Well you’re on the right track! But...not exactly, ” said Lan Xichen.

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“Right well, I understand what it is you mean now,” said Wei Wuxian. He inspected the drawing. Lan Xichen had worked diligently to capture what he envisioned on paper. The problem now was making it happen.

“Do you have a place where we could do this?” enquired Wei Wuxian. He was so intrigued. If he could pull this off he would be impressed with himself. It would take a large area and it would be a lot of hard work.

“Yes, I believe I do. The back of the Hanshi has a lot of forest. I was thinking I could clear a big enough space. Nothing will go to waste either because we can use the wood from the trees to fence off the area.”

“Great,” Wei Wuxian said, clapping his hands decisively, “Let’s get to work then!”

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Lan Qiren was pleased. It had been a whole five months since Wei Wuxian had caused any sort of disturbance. And he was actually rising in the morning with the Lans now! And eating their food! Wonder of wonders!

He still was unabashedly clingy towards Lan Wangji but that made Wangji happy so, as much as it irked Lan Qiren to see their shameless displays, he would tolerate it...as long as the other rules were followed.

Lan Qiren always suspected his nephew was slipping alcohol to Wei Wuxian, though he could never prove it, but these days it appeared that Wei Wuxian was surprisingly sober most of the time. Lan Qiren didn’t even get a whiff of alcohol! For the first few weeks of this newfound adherence to the rules he was in a state of heightened panic. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop with each day that passed without any of Wei Wuxian’s shenanigans. But as the days went by he started to relax.

He attributed this change of behaviour to his first nephew, who Wei Wuxian had been spending a lot of time with lately. Wangji was blinded by love and so he indulged Wei Wuxian too much, but Xichen had a clear head. He must be acting as a good influence on Wei Wuxian. He hoped this behaviour continued. It was a sign that finally, finally his days of peace might return permanently.

Xichen was interacting with people again (well, only his immediate family and for some reason, Sect Leaders Jiang and Jin… but still, it was more progress than some people made in an entire lifetime --looking at you Qingheng-Jun 😒-- and no, he was not bitter at all, whatever would give you that idea?). Wangji seemed happy in general (as opposed to him moping around for the past 13 years in mourning clothes). And Wei Wuxian, that feral little gremlin, was actually following the rules!

Oh happy day!

He went to class with a pep in his step.

His students were noticeably happier as well because Lan Qiren in a good mood could only benefit them. He even removed the no interacting with Wei Wuxian rule from the wall, which is the one most of them broke constantly! The students rejoiced. Things were peaceful in the Cloud Recesses. Life was good.

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Lan Wangji was a happy man. He was married to the love of his life. His brother was getting better day by day, and got along well with his husband. And his uncle seemed like he’d finally come around to Wei Ying. He felt touched the day Uncle removed the rule forbidding interaction with Wei Ying. He knew that his uncle did not like him, even before the whole Yiling Patriarch thing. But he didn’t forbid them from living in Cloud Recesses. Sure he was not pleased that Uncle wrote a rule against Wei Ying on the wall, but it didn’t stop the juniors from interacting with him anyway and really only served to give Uncle some peace of mind that he did what he could to stop Wei Wuxian from “corrupting” the kids. Uncle needed to feel like he had some semblance of control so, aside from his initial protests, Lan Wangji did not fight him down on it. It wouldn’t stop him from giving Wei Ying a happy life anyway, so let Uncle have his rules.

Lan Wangji knew that his brother supported his relationship and that was enough. He couldn’t help but admit though that Uncle’s support meant a lot to him. He wondered what prompted the change of heart, since Uncle had had a grudge against Wei Ying since their school days and wasn’t the type of man to change his opinions that easily. He wasn’t so brave yet to ask him about it though for fear of ruining things, so he just accepted it.

Wei Ying himself had not noticed a thing. He was busy helping xiongzhang with his project. It was taking a long time because they had to do everything from scratch. Wei Ying didn’t have time to spare. He was matching brother’s schedule so that they could work together more efficiently. He didn’t even drink his favourite Emperor’s Smile these days because he didn’t want to lose focus. Even the food! Usually Lan Wangji would have enough time to make Wei Ying breakfast because...breakfast was usually lunch . But now Wei Ying got up to match the Lans and so he ended up eating breakfast with them too so as not to wait for a meal to be cooked and waste time. He was so tired at the end of the day he didn’t even complain about it, he just fell into bed at 9pm and that was that.

It really cut into the time they had together since they were both so busy but it was for his brother, who had stood by him after Wei Ying’s death for all those years and allowed him his freedom to go ‘where the chaos was’ as they said. He even helped him hide Wei Ying even though he thought Wei Ying was guilty. If this was what would help brother recover his spirits then Lan Wangji would not protest.

In fact, this little project of theirs helped his brother and Wei Ying to become closer. Rather than just accepting Wei Ying, his brother was actually forming a friendship with him. He even told him to call him Xichen-ge. He was impressed with Wei Ying’s ingenuity and grateful that he was going out of his way to help him when he really didn’t have to.

And as much as Lan Wangji loved Wei Ying, he still wasn’t much of a conversationalist, with Wei Ying doing most of the talking and himself, the listening. But with xiongzhang, Wei Ying found someone who was willing to debate with him and could easily carry a conversation. And brother found a friend who he could rely on. After Jin Guangyao’s betrayal, he thought that brother would never befriend anyone again. He may not ever be as close to Wei Ying as he was with Jin Guangyao, but it was a start.

Unfortunately, there was one downside to the project.

Somehow, the person who gave Lan Xichen the idea was *ugh* Sect Leader Jiang. What this meant was that the man in question would make frequent visits to see how it was coming along, providing them with insights as well. It irked him because Wei Ying and xiongzhang had insisted that the project was a secret. They promised they’d tell him before anyone else when it was completed and they’d asked him to cover for them and not let anyone on to what they were doing in the meantime.

Being a dutiful husband and brother he respected their wishes. It would have been fine if Jiang Wanyin had not been in on it. It chafed that he could not be there helping Wei Ying but instead it was Jiang Wanyin. He did not protest because Wei Ying still valued Jiang Wanyin and he would not do anything to upset Wei Ying, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. And since the project seemed to have helped Jiang Wanyin and Wei Ying reconcile, he was sure once all the work was done and Wei Ying wasn’t too tired to socialise, that he’d be forced to interact even more with the man, which he was dreading.

But of course he would endure it for Wei Ying. Sect Leader Jin was also involved somehow but the days when he visited made Wei Ying so happy that Lan Wangji could not begrudge his involvement in the project. Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui were also happy to meet with the young sect leader. Lan Wangji could not be upset when it made his family so happy. No, he would stay unaware for as long as they needed him to. Wei Ying was right after all, he would not be able to lie if uncle asked him directly about what they were doing. So he had to stay in the dark.

(But still, damn you Sect Leader Jiang! Why did it have to be you?.. No, he was not sulking!)

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andy-the-8th · 3 years ago

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Things Green and Growing

Part 9 of Creatures That Defy Logic

Read on AO3

Sam's last day at the greenhouses for the summer and seeing her sister off back to college.

cw: homophobic language

A/N: I just really like the idea of Sam and Jess being biology bros

Also we meet Sam's dad. He's an asshole.

The rushing fans and cool mist of the greenhouse definitely made the late August heat more bearable - no matter how much you might love your job, there's only so much summer sun you (or your plants) could take without some assistance.

"Am I doing this right?"

Jess looked up at Sam from the other side of a table of junipers, a spiky carpet of green across the long low table, contrasting the spotty gray of the wet concrete greenhouse floor. He'd come by the greenhouse a few times over the summer - even though he didn't work there, he insisted he help with something if he was going to hang out. Sam had eventually agreed to let him take care of some of the more innocuous tasks.

Pruning clippers in hand, Jess had been tasked with cutting back the overgrown shoots from the Japanese star junipers - the small conifers were popular for their hardiness as a ground cover, especially as a more durable and eco-friendly replacement for grass. This meant though that their lower branches would snake over the edges of the black plastic pots they were growing in, running sideways in every direction, getting tangled in each other, burning and drying out foliage.

Sam walked over to inspect his handiwork. Actually not too bad.

"Yeah, they look fine."

"Awesome. Thanks for letting me prune something, feels more important than moving things around from table to table" Jess said cheerfully.

"No problem" Sam had come to genuinely enjoy spending time with Jess, and not just as a confidant. Sure, he never got any less excessively enthusiastic, would still frequently go off on tangents of facts and theories, but she'd gotten used to his pattern of speaking. He'd clearly been scared of being annoying the first time he'd visited, and pretty much stayed quiet the few times he'd met Jackie or Jen. Trying to be a bit more normal around new people.

So in a way, she was glad he was comfortable being himself around her now.

Sam went back to the table of peace lilies: graceful, broad glossy dark green leaves with their delicate white alien blooms on long stalks above the thick cluster of greenery at the base. Like the junipers - like most potted plants packed together for commercial purposes - the lower levels were at risk of suffocation, for both light and air, and had to be clipped off before they turned yellow and started to attract mold.

They kept working in silence for a long while, the only sound in the greenhouse the gentle rush of the fans, the occasional hiss of the misting system, the soft clicks of the pruning clippers punctuating at either end of the space.

"So school starts back up in a week."

Sam caught that that was both a perfectly normal observation and a veiled question about what they'd both been thinking since August started. Cody was supposed to be back soon.

"Do you think he'll come back at night? So no one sees him transform back?"

"I don't know, probably." Of course Sam still missed her boyfriend, but it had also been good to spend the summer focusing on her own interests, her own friends, away from swimming and social drama. But she knew she looked forward to seeing him.

Still, it would be a lie to say she wasn't more than a little apprehensive as well.

Like, he literally wasn't human. A lot had probably changed from spending some time as a full-time merman. And what sort of sea creatures were they anyway? Were merpeople more like whales, pelagic, solitary, mostly sticking to the vast fathoms of the open oceans? Living alone or in two or three individuals? Or were they more like dolphins, staying in the shallows in big social pods? Was it like in the movies, secret underwater cities of merpeople with their own cultures, music, governments?

It wasn't too unrealistic to imagine that any of those might significantly change someone's demeanor or even personality. She still got hung up on the whole telepathy thing as well - if Cody came back able to read minds, that might just be too weird of a thing to deal with on top of starting high school.

Jess didn't seem to see any of those questions as anxieties, of course. Quite the opposite. To be fair, he wasn't the one dating him either.

"Gosh, I wonder what it all was like." His voice that that airy sort of awe he'd had back when Cody was still going through the transformations. They actually hadn't really talked about him much over the summer, which Sam had found a little surprising - Jess seemed equally excited to just talk with her, especially with their shared interests in biology. He'd listened attentively when Sam wanted to talk over her mom's work with environmental regulations, or projects she was taking on with the envi-sci club at school next year, or balancing swimming with her other extracurriculars.

"Guess we'll find out." Sam carefully kept any apprehension out of her voice. She did want to know about it, as much as Cody wanted to tell her - but she also wanted to keep their first year of high school as normal as possible after junior high's supernatural finale.

"Yeah. I think I've gotten all the shoots on the junipers."

"Alright, thanks Jess. I'm finishing up here, then will have to be getting home. Jackie's leaving for college again tonight, and I think my dad will be coming to see her off as well."

Sam bit her lip at that. She didn't like having to talk about her father. It wasn't like having divorced parents was abnormal - she guessed that was the case for Jess as well, since he never talked about his mom - but she still didn't like having to bring up her father in more detail than necessary.

"Oh, OK. D'you want me to stick around and help clean up?"

"Nah it'll be fine. Ms. Brantwood should be coming by soon anyway, before I lock up."

"Alright." Jess walked over to the open greenhouse door, where he'd leaned his bike against the frame. He paused for a moment, wiping his glasses with the hem of his shirt where they'd fogged up from the quick temperature and humidity shift, squinting in the sun.

Sam had turned back to the peace lilies, arranging them with proper spacing on the low table, fishing the spray bottle where it had disappeared in the thick stand of leaves, pots, and dirt.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?" she turned her head over her shoulder to where he was still just outside the door, helmet strapped on, hands on the bike ready to go.

"Can you call me if you hear first when he comes back?"

Sam smiled and exhaled out her nose, relaxed her shoulders. "Of course. You too, OK? You're a lot closer to the water than me."

"Oh definitely." Jess balanced to one side on the bike, ready to kick off. "See'ya!"

"See'ya later Jess."

She heard him head off, wheels crunching over the gravel down to the sidewalk, saw him blurred through the glass walls, disappear as he went around the front of the building.

Grabbing the spray bottle and the clippers, she walked them down to the worn wooden cabinets and coat rack built into the wall next to the greenhouse office, hung her gloves on the hook. She took the broom back over to the peace lily table, made sure she hadn't missed any stray leaves or sprinkles of soil on the wet concrete floor. The bell on the door of the office jingled once as it opened and closed - Ms. Brantwood, the owner, came out then, clipboard in one hand, glasses perched on the end of her nose. Ms. Brantwood always looked like some hybrid of a farmer and a librarian, flannel shirt, sleeves rolled up to her elbows, workboots, her gray hair in a tight bun, glasses held on a colorful beaded strap around her neck.

"Ms. Brathwaite," she said congenially. "Here you go." She handed Sam an envelope.

"Thanks Ms. B." Her paycheck from the summer, headed straight for her college savings once she got home.

"Thanks for all the help this summer! The peace lilies never looked better." She smiled approvingly over at the displays where Sam had spent most of the afternoon. "We'd be happy to have you back again."

"That'd be great! Thank you again for having me" Sam tucked the envelope in her canvass bag, slung it over her shoulder, and started to the door.

"Good luck with high school - it's scary at first but you'll do great."

Sam smiled again and backed out the open door, closing it behind her, the screen making a quick whoosh sound before the door clacked on the wood frame. She shifted her bag on her shoulders and started down the sidewalk for home.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If you really have that much of a problem with it, you can just leave."

Lindsey crossed her arms and leaned back on her kitchen counter, staring down her ex-husband, who was at the bottom of the stairs next to the front door, one hand on the newel post, head hanging down in frustration.

"I don't have a problem, I have an opinion. Goddamnit, do you have to make everything into one of your crusades?"

"I don't have crusades, Steve, I have morals. It's none of your business how she looks, Jackie is a grown woman."

"Staying in a house that I pay to keep you in."

"Don't bullshit me like that. You known damn well I supported us. The house was only ever in my name, for fucks sake. Your child support checks aren't anything we rely on."

"Trust me, they wouldn't exist if the court didn't say so."

Steve glared back at her, the silence tense. Lindsey huffed and went back to packing granola bars and sandwiches in the lunchboxes on the table - snacks to send with Jackie for the car ride to the airport.

"You shouldn't have let her go to that school either."

"She got a full scholarship" Lindsey snapped. She was rapidly reaching the end of her rope with this conversation and was just about ready to throw Steve out of her house if he continued like he was. He was the father of her kids, he technically had visitation rights - but she wouldn't have him talk like this in their house. Thank God Jackie was outside, and Sam still at work.

"Yeah, well, maybe if she'd gone to a state university instead of some liberal arts bullshit, she wouldn't be dressing like some fucking dyke now."

That was it - he was through.

"Get out. Now."

She threw every bit of venom she could into the final word, her gaze ice cold, her knuckles white gripping the edge of the kitchen counter.

Steve sneered cruelly at her as he shifted to go and roughly put his hand on the door knob. "Wonder where she got that from."

He opened the door quickly to find Sam on the doorstep, her face surprised and pale. Steve stopped, also startled for a moment. He didn't know how much she'd heard - he didn't care. She was grown up enough to start knowing about the real world unfiltered, as far as he was concerned.

"Hey, Dad," she offered shakily, awkwardly. He just looked down at her coldly.

"Good luck in school next year." He turned back for one last glare at Lindsey, then pushed past Sam down the front steps, to his car in the driveway, leaving the front door open. He slammed the car door as he got in, backed down past Lindsey's car into the cul-de-sac where Jackie was standing next to Vanessa's old Jeep, and sped off around the corner, tires spinning harsh squeals, out of the neighborhood.

Jackie and Vanessa quickly looked over at Sam, clearly worried. Jackie walked up across the small front yard, making herself smile sarcastically, trying to conjure humor for her sister who still was frozen and scared-looking on the doorstep.

"Another grand finale and exit from the father of the year, ladies and ladies!" she announced dramatically. Sam smiled a little at that - Jackie's features relaxed in relief. Vanessa stayed by the Jeep, eyes closed and looking down, fingers pressed to her temples, shaking her head in exasperation.

"Hey, Sam." Jackie looked hard at her, serious. "Don't listen to anything he says. He's an asshole. Got it?"

"Yeah Jackie. Got it." Sam went inside and put her bag down on the floor next to the kitchen table, where Lindsey was aggressively zipping up the lunch boxes. She might have chided Jackie for using that kind of language in front of her, in less charged circumstances.

"I just have one more box upstairs, 'kay Mom?"

"Alright, don't keep Vanessa waiting out there too long though. I'm set to go when you are."

Sam bit her lip and looked down at the wood grain in the kitchen table, at the lines in the linoleum floor. "Mom, I'm going to put my stuff upstairs too, I'll be down to see them off."

Sam quickly took the stairs, two at a time. She tossed her bag on her bed, closed the door, and turned down the hall to Jackie's room.

She was standing at her bureau, small cardboard box in hand, quickly putting her many rings, chokers, and bracelets in, her back to the door. She turned her head, hearing Sam step into the door frame.

"What's up?"

"Jackie, I- something Dad said -"

"Hey, what'd I tell you? Ignore him. He doesn't know shit." Jackie huffed and went back to gathering things off the top of the bureau.

"Yeah I know." Sam looked down, nervous. "But what he said about how you looked, like a...a.."

"A dyke?"

".......yeah."

To Sam's surprise Jackie actually laughed a little, put her last few bits of jewelry in the box, shoved it into her black backpack, covered in pins and patches. She crossed the room and put her hands on her sister's shoulders. She breathed in, and Sam looked up at her a little.

"Listen to me again now. We are strong, modern women. We can look how we want. We can be how we want. It's a new millennium, we can't stay stuck in that patriarchal bullshit forever."

Jackie definitely looked how she wanted - hair spiked up today, black nailpolish, Bikini Kill shirt with cut off sleeves over her black jeans.

"So, does that mean...?"

Jackie smiled and rolled her eyes. "Actually, no. I'm straight, I'm just goth and like to piss off old men." She paused, serious again. "But there'd be nothing wrong with that if I were, Sam. If anyone were."

"Um, oh. Yeah, OK, I jus-"

Jackie's eyes flicked up, past Sam's face and cutting her off, looking past her face to the doorway. Lindsey was standing there, arms folded, lips pursed, her eyes nervous.

She and Jackie held eye contact for a noticeable moment - Sam turned her head to look at her mom as well. Lindsey's eyes calmed and softened almost too quickly to notice.

"You guys about ready to head out?"

"Yeah Mom, we're done." Jackie walked back over and hauled her backpack up onto one shoulder, the buttons rattling into each other with the motion. Sam turned back and walked past her mom, leading the way down the stairs and out the front door. She paused on the doorstep to let them pass. Jackie hoisted her backpack straighter and stopped in front of Sam on the doorstep.

"You know you can always call me if you want. High school can suck sometimes, if you want to talk to someone who already did it you know where to find me."

"Hey, I was in high school once too" Lindsey added, smiling a bit, trying to lighten the mood as well. Jackie rolled her eyes dramatically.

"'kay, how about if you want to talk to someone who did high school within the last hundred years, THEN call me."

Jackie hugged Sam tight, and walked across the grass to where Vanessa was waiting by the car. Vanessa and Jackie both went to college in Philadelphia - Vanessa at Temple University, Jackie at Haverford College. They were on the same flight over - Vanessa's mom was an airline pilot, so would drive the Jeep back home from the airport after they'd left.

Lindsey followed her down to the side of the car, stopping on the curb, arms crossed over her chest. The air had cooled significantly as the sun went down, almost chilly in contrast to the day's heat.

"Call me when you get in, OK?"

"Yeah of course, same as always." Lindsey hugged Jackie and Vanessa, stepped back from the Jeep as they pulled away with the windows down. Jackie turned up the radio, the energetic chugging guitar and drums filling the summer night, bouncing off the houses around the cul-de-sac.

"WOOOOOOOO!!" as Vanessa steered them away from the sidewalk, Jackie looked back with a wild excited smile, hands up in the rock gesture.

"DRIVE SAFE GIRLS" Lindsey called over the loud music, waving as they turned the corner and out of the development, the music fading as they left.

Lindsey stayed looking down the road for a few moments after the Jeep was gone - from where she was leaning against the front door, Sam saw her mom's eyes were a bit wet. Lindsey walked back up the yard and into the house, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Sorry, sorry, just you girls are growing up so fast." She smiled then as they both walked back inside. As she closed the door behind them, she un-did and re-did her bun, pushing back the loose red strands from the day, refreshing, restoring order.

Following their routine pattern, Sam walked to the kitchen, got two glasses of water, handed one to her mom as they both settled at the table.

Lindsey took the glass, gently clinked it against Sam's. "Hydrate or die!" she said cheerfully, familiarly as part of their home-from-work/inside joke ritual they'd organically developed over the summer, with Sam getting back from the greenhouses the same time Lindsey got back from the offices.

"Hydrate or die." Sam replied, smiling. They both sipped their water silently, decompressing from the day, from Steve, from Jackie's departure.

"You got everything you need for next week?"

"Yeah, I'm set on everything. I got paid from Brantwood today too."

"Oh good, I'm going by the bank tomorrow morning, I can deposit it for you."

"Thanks Mom."

Eventually Lindsey got leftovers from the fridge to heat up - dinner passed at a welcomely-uneventful rate, just chatting about work from the day, errands to run. They finished the dishes and Sam filled up one of the watering cans on the counter to bring upstairs to her plants. She'd put the succulents on a nightly watering schedule, better to accommodate the extra heat this time of year without extra evaporation.

"Goodnight Mom."

Lindsey looked up from the reports she had absentmindedly been paging through after finishing the dishes - environmental justice never sleeps. "Night hon. You OK?" Her voice was gentle, but firm enough that she indicated that she was leaving it open if Sam wanted to talk about any of the commotion from earlier.

Maybe not tonight.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Goodnight." Sam was up the stairs and out of sight.

Lindsey closed the folder on the table, shuffled it back into the small pile she'd pulled from her briefcase. She leaned forward, hands on her forehead, taking long, soothing breaths with her eyes closed. She stayed like that a while, listening to Sam moving about above - back and forth around her room with the watering can, down the hall to the bathroom and back, waiting til she heard her door click shut for the night. She got up, quietly pushed her chair back under the table. She filled her glass at the sink, downing it in one draft, slowly and smoothly, letting the coolness spread through her whole body. Hydrate or die.

Filing folders back into her briefcase could wait til morning. It had been a long day.

END NOTES:

I imagined the song Jackie and Vanessa are listening to is Rebel Girl by Bikini Kill

Tune in next time for more of "which of Sam's supporting cast is going to be a lesbian"

Jackie and Lindsey continue to be fun and interesting to write - maybe future spinoffs? Does it still count as fanfiction when the original characters get spinoffs?

#the thirteenth year #dcom #disney channel original movies #fanfic #homophobic slurs

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lalainajanes · 5 years ago

Text

As One Wishes To Live (AKA Genie!Klaus). Read Part One here!

His new mistress – Caroline - had excused herself. Klaus hasn’t yet relaxed.

It’s a survival instinct.

Only two of his keepers had been awful from their first meeting. The rest feigned kindness only to grow into their cruelty once they realized just how much power they wield.

He expects Caroline will be the same. Oh, she seems sweet. Earnest. Stubborn too, enough to hold on to her principles for awhile. She’ll bend, like they all do. First, it’ll be little things, simple requests to save her time and effort. A “Klaus, could you mend this?’ followed by a please and a thank you.

The requests never stay simple.

He’ll look for what weaknesses while he still has the freedom to.

He cannot hurt the one he belongs to, but he’s learned that rule is bendable. He can manipulate an owner into hurting themselves. He can do it with words, a hint here, an innocent observation there. Occasionally, the universe provides a lovely set of coincidences that Klaus merely can neatly steer a captor into. He’d once orchestrated a nasty carriage accident by keeping a whiskey glass full and producing a few coins to entice a barmaid into distracting a stable boy. Poor lad had rushed through his tasks, hadn’t noticed the wheel in desperate need of repair.

He’ll explore Caroline’s home over the next few days. Just in case. As long as he’s been locked in his lamp, all the objects he can’t name. It’s only logical that he be curious.

Caroline’s fairly young and obviously baffled by his presence in her home. She doesn’t seem stupid, which is a pity. The unintelligent are more demanding than the cunning but easier to manipulate. She’d been flustered as she’d departed, her cheeks stained a bright pink. She’d promised she’d be right back, after she found him some clothes.

Klaus could have told her that if she wanted him clothed, he could conjure whatever she fancied. He’d served those who liked him to remain bare and accessible but most liked to dress him up. Some in clothing that marked him as a servant, others in finery that made him look like a prize. Klaus has long since stopped caring about what does, or doesn’t, cover his body.

He’d let her babble and flee. He’d wanted privacy to study his new home and he’d sensed Caroline had needed to collect herself. He could have denied her that, pressed his advantage, perhaps dropped the covering she’d insisted he don.

She’d fought it, kept her eyes on his, but she clearly finds his body appealing.

He may have to use that but, for now, she hasn’t truly earned his ire.

Once she’d left Klaus had held still and listened carefully as she’d made her way up a single set of stairs. She’s rummaging now, still talking to herself. Exceptional senses are one of the perks of his curse. To cater to a master’s every whim he needs to hear calls when they are mere whispers.

Caroline’s home seems quite small and Klaus imagines he’ll be able to track Caroline’s movements easily. It��s nice enough, very clean and warm. There are an alarming number of objects that Klaus has never seen before, odd hums and beeps that he’s trying to ignore.

Much has changed in the ninety or so years he’d been dormant.

The chair she’d bid him to sit in had been plush and the fabric hadn’t scratched at his skin at all. A relief because he’s always more sensitive when he’s been stuck in his lamp, his skin feels thin and new each time he emerges.

Klaus eyes the window, squinting against the sun that’s streaming in. His head aches a bit. He takes a few steps, glancing behind him even as he reaches for the curtain.

Caroline had wanted him to be comfortable, hadn’t she? Shutting out the light will help.

If she complains, well, that will be a clue that perhaps she’s not as generous as she’s seemed.

Caroline’s got a stack of various pieces of men’s clothing – things stolen from exes or friends, even a random leather jacket that a disaster of a one-night stand had left behind. She knows exactly where the pile is, but she spends a solid ten minutes pushing things around in her closet, tidying and refolding to keep her hands busy while her mind whirls.

It’s useless because she’s not going to solve the issue of the genie she now apparently owns with a little stress cleaning.

It makes her feel better. Calmer.

Sort of.

When her hands have stopped shaking (and she’s done enough deep breathing that her face should be a normal color) she crouches and yanks out the plastic tote she needs. It’s been awhile since she’s had to add anything to it. Her extended period of singledom is the main reason Kat had so thoughtfully gifted Caroline the lamp (and Klaus, technically) but she’s reasonably sure she’ll find something that will fit her guest.

Whether he’ll like the clothes she’ll provide Caroline can’t guess. He’s been impressively inscrutable so far, not that Caroline can blame him.

It sounds like he’s known a lot of terrible people. The kind that won’t hesitate to pounce on a weakness and use it for their own gain.

She figures comfort is the way to go, digs a pair of grey sweats that had been Tyler’s from the very bottom of the tote. Klaus might be a bit taller but he’s leaner so hopefully that will make up the difference. She grabs one of Stefan’s t-shirts that she hadn’t bothered to return (since he had about eight million, all identical and black) plus a blue hoodie Enzo has given up asking her to return.

She throws it all over her shoulder then snags a pair of the socks she uses for working out from her dresser. She makes a quick detour to the kitchen to grab her laptop and her phone off the charger before she returns to find Klaus where she’d left him. He’s pulled the curtains and he’s wandered over to the wall of shelves where she keeps her books and DVDs. He’s looking at one of the framed photographs that she’s got up, an old one.

“That’s the last family photo we took,” Caroline tells him. “I really hated that dress.” Black velvet, enormous lace collar. It had been a gift from Granny Forbes and Caroline had worn it exactly twice.

Klaus gently sets the frame back down turning to face her. His expression is just as smooth as it had been when he’d first greeted her, giving away nothing of his feelings. His eyes are on her though, not the floor. He’s sizing her up and Caroline can’t say she blames him.

She smiles, hopes he can’t tell that ten minutes away wasn’t nearly enough time for Caroline to stop freaking out internally.

None of the giant pile of what the fuckery they’re currently dealing with is Klaus’ fault. She doesn’t want him to feel like he’s unwelcome. It’s just good manners.

She sets her laptop down then holds out the clothing, “I dug these up for you. I know they’re not ideal but once your dressed we’ll look online and get you something a little more your style.”

“My style,” he repeats slowly.

“Yeah. I mean, if you’re a label snob like my friend Kat you’re going to need to embrace knock offs because my credit card can only take so much.”

He appears a bit mystified and Caroline wants to slap herself. “Oh, wait, sorry. How long have you been in…” she waves her hand towards the coffee table, his gold lamp. It’s entirely possible Klaus doesn’t know about the internet. Or even credit cards. Caroline has no idea when they became a thing.

His eyes follow her gesture and he takes a step back, so he’s nearly pressed against the bookcase.

She looks away, pretends not to notice. She studies the lamp, realizing that she’s only managed to polish a quarter sized spot on one side. That’s totally going to bother her.

Klaus doesn’t answer right away, doesn’t move much either. Caroline’s about to remind him that he doesn’t have to when he reaches for the bundle she holds. He pinches the fabric between his fingertips, tugging experimentally. “I can’t tell you exactly. It was… 1926, maybe. When my last mistress died. She called for me infrequently in the end. Her daughter thought to own me next. She was not happy to learn I cannot be inherited.”

“Is that the one who made her final wish on her death bed?”

“Yes.”

She’s really trying not to pry – he hasn’t had the chance to set his own boundaries for a freaking millennium so obviously she needs to reel in her curiosity – but it’s hard. What had the woman wished for? Could she have wished to not die? Can Klaus make people immortal? Would…

“Revenge,” Klaus murmurs, interrupting Caroline’s train of thought. “She had three daughters and her husband divorced her to get his male heir. He lied to get it, painted her as the adulterer then left her with barely enough money to live on. She wished that he would live to know his name would die with his son.”

That’s… wow.” Caroline’s a little impressed with the spite level. “Was she… good to you?”

“Better than most.”

With the switch back to vague answers, Caroline decides it’s best to change the subject. “Well, there’s going to be a lot of things we need to get you up to speed on. We’ll start with the practical.” She sits down, taps the top of her laptop. “This is a computer; it connects to the internet. The internet does a lot of things, some of them great, some of them super creepy. But it will allow us to get you a 21st century wardrobe delivered before the weekend.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

She shakes her head, tucking her legs underneath her as she boots up her laptop. “Look, I’m not going to make you go anywhere you don’t want to but I’m pretty sure eventually you’re going to get bored enough to want to go outside. And if you do it like that…” she wiggles her fingers in his direction, carefully not looking directly at the subtle ridge of muscle at his hips, “…questions will be asked. Cops might be called. We can’t rixk that until we’ve got a solid backstory and some supporting documents.”

She types “Casual Men’s Clothes” into google, figuring she’ll let him browse the images to see what he likes. Klaus clears his throat but it’s a theatrical kind of noise, an ‘ahem’ sound that’s never an accident.

Caroline holds in a sigh and looks up, mentally preparing herself to ignore all the distractingly bare skin, only to have her mouth drop open for an entirely different reason. Klaus is holding the clothes she’d given him but, on his body, he’s wearing something very similar. He’s switched up the colors – black sweats, dark red tee, grey hoodie – and everything fits like it was made for him.

Well. That’s handy.

“Oh,” she says dumbly. “You…”

“Am perfectly capable of clothing myself without assistance, yes.”

He’s smug about it and Caroline should find it annoying but, as it’s the first real hint of personality he’s shown, she’ll let it slide. “You weren’t kidding about the magic, huh?”

He grins, clearly pleased with himself. “Are you a believer now, love?”

The dimples are just as distracting as the hipbones, damn it.

Caroline focuses back on her laptop, tapping a few keys for no real reason. It’s not like he’ll know she’s typing nonsense. “I don’t think I have much of a choice.”

Klaus hums in acknowledgement, “Is this what men wear nowadays? I’ll admit it’s very comfortable.”

When she glances up she finds he’s adjusting the sleeves of the hoodie, pushing them up his forearms. “It’s a super casual example but yeah, you won’t get arrested if you walk outside like that. You’d get some looks if you tried to walk into a nice restaurant though.”

“I see. Can you show me?” he points at her laptop. “For when we venture out.”

“Sure. Internet window shopping is one of my very favorite things. Come sit.”

Caroline tips her head to the side and this time Klaus doesn’t need to be prompted further, settling down next to her. He jumps a little when she sets her computer on his lap and Caroline figures he hadn’t anticipated it would be warm. She points to the screen, “What do you like?”

He blinks at the twenty or so images for a long moment. He then leans closer. Caroline reaches over runs her finger over the trackpad. “Here, see that little white hand? If you want to see something close up just tap. Like this.”

He’s a quick study, his fingertip bumping into hers as he tries it for himself. She shows him how to scroll down and he mutters about how many choices there are. He glances at her every once in awhile, but Caroline makes it a point not to react.

Even if she had been paying for the clothes she wouldn’t have wanted to pick for him. Earlier, one oh his comments had made her feel a little sick to her stomach. His body, he’d said, so casually, was at her disposal. Caroline’s not naïve enough to think that had only meant he’d been treated like a life size Ken doll but she’s certain he’d been dressed up according to the whims of others for the bulk of his existence.

That’s over, Caroline’s decided. If he wants to wear cargo shorts and lumberjack flannel for the rest of his life that’s totally his call.

She touches his arm to get his attention. Klaus tenses, his body locking up so tightly that she can feel in even though a few inches of space separate them. She withdraws gingerly, easing over to give him more space.

She’s kind of a toucher. She’ll have to remember to curb the instinct with Klaus.

“I’ll just be in the kitchen, okay? I’ll order dinner.” And send a couple texts, plus an email to her boss. She’s so going to need a couple days to get acclimated but Klaus doesn’t need to know the details. “Come get me if you need anything.”

It’s a useless offer because Klaus won’t ask for a single thing. He doesn’t trust her even a little bit.

Convincing him that he can won’t be easy. Good thing Caroline’s always liked a challenge.

Klaus had risen as soon as he’d heard Caroline stir. He hadn’t rested well.

The bed Caroline had offered him is very comfortable. Too comfortable.

He’d tossed and turned, tried both sides. He’d quickly given up on sleeping, had risen once he’d heard Caroline’s breathing deepen enough to indicate that she wouldn’t wake easily. He’s slipped out of the room and downstairs, paced the rooms and the halls, going over all that he’s learned to far.

Last night Caroline had chattered away while she’d changed the sheets for him, told him that her mother was the one who most often stayed in the room but that it always took a great deal of cajoling for Caroline to convince her to visit. She’d grabbed him a toothbrush and towels. Had pointed out that red on the taps meant hot water and then asked if he had any questions about the shower. He’d just managed to avoid rolling his eyes because he has seen one before. Caroline had sensed his annoyance and cheerfully confessed that she’d done a quick bout of research on the history of indoor plumbing while they’d sat together after dinner but that she’d just wanted to make sure. She’d said that a hot shower always made her feel better after a rough day.

Klaus had thought about that statement once she’d left him alone. He wouldn’t have classified his day as rough, exactly. Bewildering perhaps, but the first day with a new master always is. He’s yet to sense any sort of sinister intent under Caroline’s solicitousness so either she’s a fantastically skilled actress or she’s genuine in her disgust for the curse he lives with.

The shower had been fantastic though.

He’s waiting in the kitchen when Caroline wanders in. Her hair’s half up and half down and she’s wrapped in a pink robe that’s far too large for her. She’s rather lovely, sleep mussed and stumbling. She gives him a little wave, “Morning. I need coffee.”

She yelps when the cup appears in her hand, drops it immediately. The glass shatters against the tile floor, hot coffee splattering her bare legs.

“Ow, ow, hot!”

Klaus is at her side in a blink, stilling her when she makes to step back. “You’ll cut yourself,” he scolds and then concentrates, clearing the mess away just as quickly as he’d created it.

Her eyes are wide, fully awake now as she pulls away. Klaus bends so he can sweep his hands over the reddened skin on her shins and ankles, taking away the mild burn. “What the hell was that?” she exclaims, her arms flapping wildly.

“You needed coffee.” He’s not going to explain the rest. Caroline’s sharp enough to make the necessary connections.

Her fingers twist the ends of the belt that wraps around her waist. Her outrage quiets slightly, “And if I need something you have to get it for me?”

Klaus conjures another cup, this time a sturdier vessel. He offers it instead of answering. Caroline glares, refusing to take it. “It’s just an expression! I don’t need coffee I just want it. And I am perfectly capable of making my own.”

He’s not about to confess that his curse means he must fulfill her wants too. Caroline had claimed decent people existed but no one – mortal or immortal - is immune to temptation. To know that every whim can be satisfied? Awfully enticing.

She spins away from him, stomping across the kitchen. She yanks a slim canister out of a cupboard, tucking it under her arm when she looks over at him, “Just so we’re clear, if I say ‘I need’ followed by a thing you’ll just poof it into my hands?”

Klaus nods in confirmation. He has no desire to explain that if he doesn’t provide for her he’ll feel a small twinge. That the twinge will grow into aches and stabs and bone grinding, suffocating pressure. That it will build and build and build until he gives in. Or until he collapses and then gives in.

It’s been a long time since he’s fought a master’s will but he’d done it often in the beginning, before he’d realized that open rebellion is pointless. The pain isn’t something he’ll ever forget.

Caroline’s got her back to him, her hands busy, and she’s quiet. Contemplative, he’ll say, because her eyes keep flitting his way. “I think we’re going to need to set some ground rules.”

Ah. Finally, something familiar.

How disappointing.

He doesn’t move, is sure his expression remains carefully pleasant. Caroline, somehow, manages to sense the downturn in his mood. She sighs, shoving the cup he’d made across the table towards him as she sits down. “Not like that,” she insists. “We’re not even going to call them rules. We need to agree on a few things.”

Klaus stays silent, wary. The worst people often had a gift for spinning pretty words to cover their worst actions.

“You do have a say, here. I wished that, remember?”

She’s wished for his honesty, his true thoughts and feelings. Klaus isn’t yet sure if she deserves them.

Drink…” her teeth come together with a snap and she shakes her head. “Sorry, I think I almost did it again. If you happen to like coffee, please feel free to drink the one you made.” Her brow wrinkles in concentration, her mouth moving and forming the same words she’d just spoken. She nods briskly, satisfied. “Was that okay? Didn’t trigger any bad genie mojo?”

He can risk a taste of honesty. To test her.

Klaus grasps the mug, lifts it to his lips. He sniffs experimentally, “I don’t remember if I like it or not.” He’d drunk it often centuries ago. He’d lived in Hamburg with a scientist who feared failure more than he desired rest. Klaus had spent hours upon hours transcribing notes, drinking coffee when prompted because his master, like most scientific types of the time, had thought magic preposterous. He hadn’t understood that Klaus didn’t need to fight sleep with stimulants.

She watches him, a pleased smile curling her lips. “Good?” she asks, as if she’s genuinely interested.

“I think so,” Klaus replies. He tries another mouthful.

It tastes better than he remembers but perhaps that’s because each sip is a choice.

Caroline panics when she hears keys in the door. She's been taking advantage of the pile of banked sick days she has, to deal with the whole genie situation. She'd sent her boss an email with a sob story about a killer bout of stomach flu. She's never done it before, feels a little bad about lying, but her excuse hasn’t been questioned.

One of the perks of being a kickass employee.

The truth would have gotten her locked up on a twenty-four-hour psych hold, and Caroline does not want to deal with that. Even if Klaus could probably break her out with his freaky magic stuff.

She’s sprawled out on the floor, catching up on her YouTube subscriptions. Klaus is on the couch – so far he’s yet to let his posture be less than flawless in her presence – reading a book. He’s not a fan of the television but he’s yet to object to having music on.

She shoves herself up onto her knees when she hears the door open, her eyes sweeping the room for anything that might invite questions. There’s nothing, thank god.

"Care?" Bonnie calls, "are you okay? I brought crackers and Gatorade!"

Ugh. She hadn't counted on her friends, and their keys to her place, screwing with her plans.

"Hide!" she hisses at Klaus. His eyes widen, face going blank. He nods once, harsh and jerky, before he immediately does his wispy smoky thing, dissipating before her eyes (and seriously, that’s never not going to be weird) leaving his lamp rattling.

She feels a stab of guilt, because she'd meant for him to go upstairs, having picked up on the revulsion and wariness he seemed to feel for the little metal vessel that had been his home and prison. It still sits on her coffee table; he makes a point not to touch it. She'd been asking questions for the last few days, carefully teasing out his story.

Sometimes Klaus grows cold, his answers becoming monosyllabic. He's never refused to answer her inquiries, but she’s quick to change the subject when his words become slow and reluctant. She’s told him he doesn’t have to do anything; she suspects he doesn’t believe her. That he’s waiting for her to flip and start making demands.

Once she’d worked out that he was forced to follow her orders she’d asked what happened if he didn’t. He'd gone stiff when he'd imparted that knowledge, the words clipped as he refused to meet her eyes. She imagines he's tested the limits of the magic that traps him thoroughly, as stubborn and prideful as he seems to be. That whatever the punishment doled out is unbearable if he dreads it so deeply.

She’s vowed he’ll never hurt that way again but pain isn’t always physical.

She’ll have an apology to make.

Thinking quickly Caroline ruffles her hair, wraps herself in her afghan and slumps down on the couch. She tries to look miserable and queasy, planning on getting Bonnie to leave as soon as possible.

She's under no illusions that her friends won't have to meet Klaus eventually. She's just planning on easing them into it. Maybe mention that she's looking for a roommate, interview a couple candidates for show.

It'll give her time to make up a reasonable background story. Plus, Caroline needs a little more time for Klaus to get acclimated to the world, so he won't make her friends suspicious. So far things from the twenty-first century are hit and miss. He'd turned his nose up at the coffee she made, has continued to conjure his own. Caroline has to admit his is way better then what he machine drips out. Klaus does seem to like the internet. After he’d thoroughly investigated men’s clothing she’d taught him how to google things and he seems to enjoy that he can find information for himself instead of having to pester her when he there’s something he doesn’t understand.

She's going to need to prepare Klaus for Kat. She’s sure he can hold his own, has seen steel nerves and an implacable will under the deference he’s trained himself to exude, but she can't help feeling protective. Caroline has seen Kat cheerfully crush weak men under her stilettos, with merely biting words and a toss of her hair, not exerting the slightest effort. Kat will actually try if she thinks she's vetting a potential roommate of Caroline's.

The least she can do is spare Klaus the worst of that. Since she'd unwittingly made herself his mistress.

Yep, that’s still creepy. And a tiny bit hot in a way that makes Caroline want to fidget in shame.

She makes a show of struggling to sit up as Bonnie approaches, really makes it seem like it’s an effort to lift her head.

Apparently she’s pretty good at the fake sick thing, something that might have been useful back in high school. Bonnie doesn’t stay long, insists Caroline rest as she goes. Part of that might be how distracted she is, her mind too focused on Klaus. She's not even sure how she can get him out of the lamp, knows she’ll have to coax and grovel, that she can’t demand.

She'd read the little flash of betrayal in his eyes clearly, even though he'd masked it expertly. She doesn't want to see it again.

Klaus has no form inside his lamp.

Caroline had shown him a few episodes of a silly television show. He’d found it offensive, had glowered through parts of it – did humans really think such incompetence would be allowed? Klaus is quite sure the magic that punished him for disobedience would have torn the tiny blonde woman apart for her antics. Afterwards he’d admitted that he could understand Caroline’s initial reactions to his presence. He wonders if she thinks his lamp is like the television genie’s, bright and comfortable and strewn with cushions.

In truth, there’s nothing inside. He’s nothing inside. He’s only thoughts and emotions. His senses leave him, except for his hearing, and it’s dark. The longer he spends inside the harder it is to keep from drifting. Only the call of his owner can pull him back.

Inside, he’s not aware of time passing. He’s completely subject to another’s whims and he hates it.

He can hear Caroline, one of her friends outside. He listens eagerly, clings to the knowledge that if they’re talking he’s losing only minutes, not years.

The friend seems concerned. He learns that Caroline’s been faking an illness. Had she not trusted him enough to leave him to his own devices in her home?

Had she not known that she could banish him, as she’d just done?

Caroline whispers his name. He can’t tune her out.

If he’s honest he doesn’t want to. He’d preferred his cruelest master to the nothingness of his lamp and even if Caroline’s a liar he doubts she’ll take that title.

“I don’t know if you can hear me.”

She must touch the lamp because he gets a brief impression of warmth.

Too brief.

“I’m sorry.”

No one’s thought him worthy of an apology since he’d been human. Even then they’d been rare.

He listens to her breathing, quick and anxious. “I didn’t mean to make you go away. I’ve been trying so hard to choose my words carefully. And trust me, I suck at that. I just panicked.”

He thinks of how she’d looked in the moment she’d told him to hide. Her eyes had been round, her body tense. Usually graceful she’s moved in fits and starts.

Perhaps she’s not a liar.

“I haven’t told my friends about you because… well, they’d think I’d gone nuts. Elena would tell her mom and her mom would call my mom and the whole town would be whispering about me within the week. People from high school I don’t even like would start sending me faux concerned messages on Facebook hoping for more dirt.”

She pauses.

Klaus hopes she hasn’t gone.

Only because he hates the lamp, of course. The lack of awareness, the inability to exert even the smallest bit of his will. Having to depend on another to tether him. Never knowing when, even if, they’d release him.

“I meant hide literally. Like, hide upstairs in your room or even in the laundry room. Just out of sight. Not out of the house. Well, I guess you’re still in the house. Which I’m really glad about, by the way. Even though I know you’re pissed at me. Which is totally okay.”

He hears her groan and then her next words are muffled. “God, I sound like a moron.”

“I get it if you don’t want to talk to me. And if you come out you don’t have to talk to me. I can go out for awhile if you really want some you time. And you don’t have to come out. But, if you want to… Well, I’d appreciate it.”

Klaus concentrates, presses against the boundaries of the lamp. Leaving always burns a little but the relief of having a physical body again is greater than the discomfort. He rolls his shoulders once he’s upright and solid, waiting for Caroline to notice him. She’s got her eyes closed, her head in her hands.

His fingers twitch.

He cannot remember the last time he’d felt the desire to touch another person but Caroline tempts him.

Klaus reaches out, looping one of her blonde curls around his index finger. She gasps when he tugs, her hand grabbing at his. She’s quick to stutter an apology, to pull away.

This time Klaus chooses not to let her. He wraps her hand around her wrist, tugs until she stands. “Thank you,” he says. “For apologizing.”

Her throat moves, a nervous swallow that he easily hears. She seems to be having trouble looking at him, her blue eyes flitting away, landing on the lamp. “What if… can you destroy it?”

Oh, how he’s tried. Klaus shakes his head, “No, I can’t. It’s immune to my powers.”

Caroline’s eyes narrow, her head tipping to the side, “What if I wish for it?”

Klaus can only laugh, too startled to bother hiding his derision. “You’d waste another wish?”

He can’t see how she could possibly want to.

“Would getting rid of it hurt you?”

Not weaken him or take away his power. She’s worried about him hurting.

“Caroline. I think you fundamentally misunderstand the concept of wishes.”

She glares at him, “I’m going to ignore the fact that you kind of just called me stupid.”

“I didn’t phrase it quite that way.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re kind of annoying?”

It’s not a condemnation. She might even be teasing him.

“Not for a very long time.” His siblings had once expressed such sentiments. Rebekah sually in a pitched shriek of outrage, Kol with a shove that generally led to a scuffle.

“That’s a no, then? Destroying the lamp won’t hurt you?”

“Not if you wish it.”

“Good.” Caroline steps away, shaking off the light hold he’s maintained on her wrist. Klaus finds that he’s not overly fond of the distance between them now.

She’s still in a bit of a temper, carefully straightening her clothing and enunciates carefully, “I wish for this lamp,” she pauses then, reaching out to pick it up, cradling it in both hands, “to be destroyed, for it to never be remade or repaired, and for it’s whatever magic it holds to die.”

“Thorough,” Klaus murmurs. He hadn’t been wrong; his Caroline is clever.

She bends her knees, dipping into a brief curtsey, “I’ve been researching.”

“Are you sure this is your wish? Once made…”

“A wish cannot be unmade. Blah blah blah. Just freaking do it.”

He takes it from her, the first time he’s willingly touched it. He grips it tightly, until it burns his hands. It fights him, he shakes, but a master’s will cannot be subverted.

He’s panting when he’s done but the lamp is gone.

He’ll never lose himself inside it again.

He laughs again, this time with genuine joy.

Caroline fusses over him, drags him into the kitchen and turns on the cold water. She holds her hands under the stream.

He doesn’t tell her it’s useless, that he’ll heal well enough on his own.

He remembers wanting things once. A toy sword, bread his mother had just baked. Pigments from a travelling merchant. The heart of a girl who couldn’t decide if who deserved her love most.

Klaus had thought he’d forgotten how to want.

He hasn’t.

#kcauweek2019 #klaroline #klaroline drabbles #an actual sequel to a thing that people actually wanted???#who am I

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beatriceeagle · 5 years ago

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@scarletwinterraven asked: Of the shows on my list, what are my favorite ships and why?

ATLA: Zuko/Mai. I wouldn’t have called myself an ATLA shipper, but on my most recent rewatch I found myself really fascinated by the Zuko/Mai dynamic and by Mai as like, a person, generally, and I actually have most of a fic about them written. I just like them both so much individually, and also, there’s something deeply interesting to me about the balancing act that they must have had to perform throughout their adolescence, having a crush around Azula and all that palace intrigue. And can you imagine being Mai, and having a crush on the crown prince once day, and then the next day he’s been banished forever, and his sister is still ostensibly your best friend? And knowing that any amount of emotion you display over that is power that you’re giving her over you? And then he comes back after three years away? I would so desperately love to have seen their reunion scene.

Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wesley/Lilah. It’s technically an Angel ship, but Angel should really be on the list, anyway and also my GOD I love that ship so much. They were the first couple I ever shipped, which, uh, probably tells you something about me. I don’t want to see them end up together, or anything, I just enjoy them so damn much. Also Willow/Tara of course, but I don’t wanna talk about it.

Community: Britta/Jeff. Also not in an endgame way, more in like an, “I really enjoy every time these two people are paired on screen together” kind of way, but they obviously shouldn’t be together, that would be a trainwreck. (I also thought Britta/Troy was very sweet.)

ER: Carter/Abby. They’re one of my ride-or-die OTPs, and I will NEVER be over the bullshit that show pulled with this ship. She left him for Luka? LUKA? HOW BORING CAN A PERSON POSSIBLY BE?

Farscape: So like. Is it possible to friendship ship people? Like, not in a BroTP way, but like, specifically, there’s a kind of dynamic that I very rarely see in fiction that I can get REALLY into, where two people are best friends who love each other incredibly deeply and want the world for each other, and who have a platonic relationship, but there’s a lot of sexual tension there and they both know it, but it would be an incredibly bad idea to follow through on it, so they don’t, or maybe they do for a while but then they stop, but there is a definite sexual component to the relationship, but ultimately it’s more friendship than anything else, just… complicated by this other thing. I fall head over heels for relationships like that, and in that sense, you could say I “ship” John/Chiana.

Girl Meets World: I am. Sigh. A Lucas/Maya shipper. Don’t look at me.

Legend of Korra: Korrasami, obvs.

Leverage: Hardison/Parker/Eliot TIL MY DYING DAY, BAYBEE.

The Magicians: Quentin/Eliot is still a great ship, and you will pry it from my cold dead hands, motherfuckers.

NMTD/LoLiLo: Pedrazar :) :) :)

One Day at a Time: Uh, okay, so here’s the thing, I don’t SHIP Penelope/Schneider, but I ABSOLUTELY see the chemistry and I think it’s HYSTERICAL, and because I am secretly, in my heart of hearts, kind of a troll, I’m so excited by the fact that it’s there and the show is getting another season and somehow they’re going to have to deal with it. Does that count?

Parks and Rec: Ben/Leslie are a weird exception to almost everything that I normally ship, but whatever, I love them. Gimme all the wholesome nerds in love and supporting each other.

Schitt’s Creek: I “ship” David/Stevie in all the same ways and for all the same reasons that I do John/Chiana.

Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated: Fred/traps.

Star Trek: Tom/B’Elanna is probably the ship I have loved the most that has ended up being endgame, and I can’t believe that it was on freaking Voyager. There’s something about the way that they are both such incredible disasters, and they are both kind of incredibly hard to be in a relationship with, but also they both try so hard to be there for each other regardless, that really works for me. Every relationship should ideally switch back and forth between insulting each other, sincerely reassuring each other that you’ll be there during times of trouble, and encouraging each other to commit acts of ecoterrorism.

(I’m also really into Picard/Crusher but specifically as a weird, tense, unconsummated thing. Like hell yeah, TNG, show me a future where Picard and Crusher are already divorced. That’s the good stuff!)

Superstore: JONAH/AMY OH MY GOD. These two are a disaster in probably a bad way, but there’s something so real about Superstore, and something so delightful about their chemistry, and again, I’m just such a sucker for people who can’t get their shit together, and like. They had sex for the first time when she was pregnant with her ex-husband’s child? Their life is a series of awkward, undernegotiated attempts to merge their extraordinarily incompatible contexts? I just feel like Jonah/Amy takes the standard trappings of the Mike Schur style grounded soulmate workplace romance and turns it into this slightly sordid, unwholesome, not always good thing, where the fact that they’re opposites who attract and work together leads them to have real problems, like, a lot of the time. But also (because I promise I’m not a complete downer) that relationship just feels so fucking lived in, those people just feel so detailed. The joy they take in each other feels equally real.

Teen Wolf: If you’ve gotten all the way to the bottom of this list, surely you can guess that I am in love with Stiles/Malia. FOR FUCKS SAKE. They lose their virginity to each other in the basement of the mental hospital that they’re both staying in while dealing with their overwhelming trauma. After knowing each other for like five minutes. And then they turn that into a relationship. Those two are in no position to be dating anyone, let alone each other, I love them so much.

As you can see, I find it very difficult to ship like a normal person, and therefore I am perennially frustrated. (Other ships I have loved: Jane/Michael from Jane the Virgin; Clarke/Lexa from The 100; oh, and I wrote what I believe to be the single most popular Tony/Nebula fic in all of Avengers fandom.)

My migraine is getting better, but feel free to keep sending me meta asks!

#meta

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let-it-raines · 6 years ago

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Rising from the Ashes (6/?)

Summary: When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be. And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones. As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be.

Rating: Mature

A/N: And now it’s time for everyone’s least favorite story :D I kid, but I know that some of you will be thinking it until I get finished with a certain plot line in here. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Tag list: @artistic-writer @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @resident-of-storybrooke @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @teamhook @ekr032-blog-blog @mayquita @bmbbcs4evr @wellhellotragic @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @onceuponaprincessworld @shady-swan-jones @snowbellewells @snow-into-ash @andiirivera @mariakov81 @thejollyroger-writer @shireness-says @kristi555 @facesiousbutton82 @superchocovian @jonirobinson64

He wakes to a warm body wrapped around his.

A warm body and ice cold feet.

Emma.

When his eyes open, he can see her arms wrapped around his middle, the mess of her golden hair spread out over his body and down her back. He can see a few tangles in it from her not brushing it out before bed last night, and if he didn’t know that it would wake her up, he’d run his fingers through her hair to help untangle them. She really needs a brush, but he can usually accomplish a lot with his fingers.

In more ways than one.

That is absolutely the last thing he should be thinking about, even with Emma’s leg pressing down on his thigh, right near his groin. He’s got…on any other morning he’d nudge her awake, gently trail his fingers down her back like she enjoys and softly brush his lips across her face. When it comes to Emma, even though she can enjoy the roughness of love making on occasion, in the mornings, she needs gentle. She needs to be woken softly, whispered words in her ear and gentle pushes on her shoulders instead of blaring alarms and screaming children.

He knows that it’s been awhile since she’s been able to wake up like that. Ada had just started sleeping through the night when their world was flipped upside down.

It’s why he can’t move now. He can’t wake her. He doesn’t know the last time she got a full night’s sleep. She’s been restless, tossing and turning for most of the night, and when she’s not in bed, he knows she’s in Ada’s room pacing back and forth or sitting in the rocking chair while scrolling through her phone, gently singing to their little girl. He feels her get out of bed every time, the mattress lifting the slightest bit before the door squeaks open. He’s always a second too late to call out to her, but the alert goes off on his phone that there’s movement in the nursery and he can see Emma moving around even if Ada’s fast asleep.

He’s at a loss for words for what to do, for how to help. He knows that she thinks that’s he’s been closed off to her lately, and he has been, but she’s doing the exact same thing. He’d bet she doesn’t realize she’s doing it too. She’s not talking to him when he tries to talk to her. It’s almost like she’s cutting him off before he can do that to her. Actually, he knows that’s what she’s doing. He knows Emma, he knows how she works, and he knows that they haven’t been them for the past seven weeks.

There are glimpses of normalcy, moments where they’re laughing in the living room, his stomach hurting from the consistent movement, or when they’re reading to Ada either in the mornings or at night. Sometimes even when they’re trying to get Henry to do his homework or to comb his hair for school. That’s normal to him. That’s been his life for years, and even when he feels like pulling his hair out, that’s what he loves.

That’s who he loves.

But things will likely never go back to normal for them, and they’re going to have to create a new normal. And while he’s not necessarily happy about it for himself, he is for everyone else.

He’d be a horrible human being if he wasn’t.

And it’s why he lets Emma sleep even if she’s making his arm fall asleep, the sharp pinpricks moving across his skin. He’s uncomfortable, but she isn’t. That’s what’s important to him anyways.

Gently, he reaches over for his phone on the bedside table, turning off the alarm for seven he has on Saturdays and thumbing through his messages. They’d been up late last night trying to explain to Neal one final time why they weren’t okay having Henry on TV for the interview today, and he hadn’t gotten a chance to reply to any of his messages. They’d talked about it nearly every night since Neal apparently told Henry he could be on TV when Emma had taken them out to ice cream last week, and after they made the final decision, obviously Henry had been furious at he and Emma.

Frankly, it fucking sucked, but being a parent isn’t always fun. You have to break your kid’s heart a lot, but it’s because you’re trying to do what’s best for them.

Trying being the key word. Most of the time he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. A lot of the time it’s more terrifying with Henry because he’s older, he understands more, and he does have such a wide range of emotions already that it’s difficult to know how to nurture him the best way. Ada, despite the fact that she takes up far more of their time just by nature of being a baby, well, she’s much easier. She’s terrifying and small and he’s constantly worried about her wiggling out of his arms and falling to the floor, but they’re not currently having to teach her all of the rights and wrongs of the world as well as the fact that sometimes things are neither right nor wrong. Instead they’re in a gray area, and they have to make a judgmental call.

A hell of a lot of times, his judgment calls are not the best.

Right now parenting Henry is the hardest, if only because he now leads a life that’s complicated even for Killian and Emma to understand. A lot of kids grow up with a father and a step-father. He did, and he hated it. Mostly, though, he hated that his dad left and his step-father was an undeniable asshole to his mum before she died, but not every family is like that. He knows several that are great that way, better even than before, but none of them have ever been quite in the same scenario as they are.

There’s not exactly a support group for how to handle someone coming back from the dead.

He’s trying to make sure Henry isn’t screwed up for life because of this, trying to make it a good thing because it is a good thing. It’s simply difficult to try to balance the suddenness of a new (old) family member.

And as awful as it is, he’s simply thankful that his baby girl is never going to remember any of this. She won’t have to go through all of these changes with them. She’ll simply be.

Liam: Emailed you the plans for Christmas. Belle suggested we come see you guys this year instead of you all coming to see us.

Liam: Figured we’d stay in a hotel, though, since the guest room is taken.

Liam: How are things?

He pulls up his email, deleting the junk until he sees where Liam sent him a provisionary itinerary. His brother is the only man he knows who makes plans to make plans. Seriously, why the hell does he have suggested plane routes and dates as well as possible hotels in here? He could have just told Killian they were coming and booked the flights. And they could always spend the night on the pullout couch in his study, but he’s sure they’d rather have a private room and a comfortable bed if they’re staying for a week.

Killian: Yeah, it’s best that you guys come to us. I don’t think we’d make the flight with everything, especially not knowing how Ada will do on the plane. Hopefully we get back to London in the summer.

Killian: Things are okay. Not great, not awful. It’s definitely not the best time of my life, but I’m trying.

Killian: I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to in person, and Rob can only listen for so long before he drowns me out.

Liam: So when you say things are okay, you mean they’re not good?

Killian: Aye.

Liam: Have you talked to Emma?

Killian: She’s a little preoccupied with things.

Liam: Please tell me she hasn’t gone back to that bastard. I will fly to you guys right now if she has.

Killian: That’s her husband. Sort of. Technically ex. I’ve got no bloody clue anymore.

Liam: Please, you are more a husband to her than he ever was.

Killian: That’s also one of my best mates.

Liam: I know you think that, but he’s always been an asshole. Happy he’s alive and everything for your boy, but I never understood what the two of you saw in him.

Killian: Well, I’m thinking Emma and I didn’t see the same things.

Liam: At least you can joke about it.

He’s about to text Liam back that all he can really do to help him cope with things is make awful jokes about it all, but then Emma’s stirring on top of him, and he feels her lips press against his collarbone. His eyes immediately shut, the pleasure that spot brings to him immediately making his cock twitch, and it’s not long before she’s trailing her lips up his neck while her body moves further over his.

“Good morning,” she whispers against his jaw before pushing herself up and brushing her lips against the corner of his.

He shouldn’t tilt his head to move his lips completely over hers, but he does, capturing Emma’s mouth with his and hearing her make the smallest noise, something between a gasp and a moan. It’s exactly what has him rolling them over so that he’s caging her in while his hips press down on hers and his mouth expertly moves over hers so that he can feel the soft warmth of her lips and continuously make those sounds of hers escape her.

It’s been far too long since they’ve done this, far too long since he allowed himself to do this, and he’s somehow forgotten how intoxicating Emma is. How could he have forgotten? He should have never forgotten. She moves against him in a way that she knows he enjoys, just as he does with her. There’s a certain comfort in being with someone for so long, in knowing that they like having their upper lip teased, in knowing that they have a particularly sensitive spot just below the ear that makes them elicit every curse word known to man in what has to be the most sensual and attractive whisper that he’s ever heard, and in knowing that while you know exactly how to please each other, you can also make each other laugh in the middle of it all.

Emma’s hands move across his shoulders until they’re tracing down his back and finding their way under his shirt. Her skin is warm against his, almost like it’s burning, and as her nails trace his spine, moving closer to his ass, he has to take a moment to stop his lips from the way they’re gliding over Emma’s just so he can try to catch his breath.

He feels Emma nudge him, and he flips over onto his back, a pillow falling to the floor with the movement, but that’s absolutely the last thing on his mind as he watches Emma take off her t-shirt, the skin on her stomach and her breasts exposed to him. She’s so bloody beautiful, gorgeous really, and he can’t stop looking at her, running his tongue over his bottom lip while she tucks her hair behind her ears and flips it over her shoulders.

“You’re stunning, love,” he whispers, knowing that his voice is hoarse, that his words come out broken.

Blush rises to Emma’s cheeks as she straddles his lap, sitting right where he’s absolutely straining for her. “Thank you. I’m still worried about my stomach but – ”

“Hey,” he sighs, reaching up and cupping her cheek with one hand, bringing her down so he can softly brush his lips over hers while his thumb ghosts over a nipple, feeling it hardening the slightest bit, “that is not something you ever have to worry about, yeah? You have brought life into this world, twice, and I will never not think you are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

She nods before dipping her head and trailing her lips across his jaw, and he flips them over again, laughing at Emma’s squeal as he takes his shirt off so his skin can be connected to hers. It’s glorious feeling as her breasts brush against the hair on his chest, and he never wants it to stop, not when he’s so desperately clinging to her.

So it’s pretty much no surprise when their bedroom door swings open, and he immediately has to cover their bodies with the comforter, quickly handing Emma his shirt so she can put it on while under the covers.

“What are you guys doing?” Henry asks them, his hair sticking up in several directions as he stands in the doorway, still clad in his Ninja Turtle pajamas.

“Cuddling, buddy,” he lies, lifting the comforter and his body a bit so Emma can more easily get his shirt on, her curses only reaching his ears. “What are you doing awake?”

“I’m hungry.” “Fix yourself some cereal, kid,” Emma tells him, casually sitting up in bed and pulling her hair up, which hides the mussed hair but exposes the beard burn on her chin. “And what happened to knocking? Aren’t we supposed to be working on that?”

“Yeah, but it’s Saturday. We always have big breakfast on Saturday, and I’m hungry.” “This is true, love,” he tells Emma, taking several deep breaths to try to calm himself down. He’s going to need to take a cold shower to do that. His entire body is humming. “Henry, why don’t you go downstairs and watch some TV? I’m going to take a quick shower, and then I’ll come down and cook, okay?”

“Okay,” Henry grumbles, immediately turning around and walking out the door, slamming it closed.

“He’s in a mood,” Emma laughs, turning to him and moving to kiss him, her hand reaching down to grab his length from under his pajama pants, causing him to hiss in both pleasure and frustration at the heat of her touch on the hardness of his skin.

“W-what are you doing?”

“You’ve got to get the flag at full staff before you can salute it,” she teases, doubling her efforts, and he almost succumbs to her touch, but he can’t.

He knows that he could kiss her again, that he should kiss her again and let them fall into ecstasy like they have so many times before, but seeing Henry reminded him of Neal…and he just…he can’t. The guilt has been consuming him lately, and he simply can’t. Not right now.

He’s in love with a woman who should be in love with someone else, who should have never fallen in love with him in the first place, and it’s absolutely killing him.

-/-

“K-Killian, stop,” she giggles, twisting and turning in bed while he moves his fingers against her stomach. “You’re so dumb. Why do you do this?”

“Because you hate it.”

“Yeah – yes, I do. It’s literally the worst.” She turns on the bed, flopping her arms out over the mattress as she moves further away from him. “And you are far too old to be doing that.” “I am youthful,” he corrects, twisting on his side and wrapping his arms around his pillow. “I’ve got to be to keep up with you and Henry.”

“Oh God, I feel like I could be twenty-one and not be able to keep up with him.”

“Because you’re so much older than twenty-one.”

“I’m closer to thirty than to twenty-one.” He rolls his eyes. She’s twenty-seven. She’s not old, but she’s right. Henry is absolutely wild lately with how much energy he has. He wishes that he could bottle some of it up and keep it for himself. It would be like bottling magic.

“Hmm,” he hums, leaning over to Emma and wrapping his arm around her waist so that he can tug her back toward him, feeling the litheness of her body near him driving him mad over and over again, “I’m going to ignore you complaining about your old age and just choose to enjoy this moment with my old woman.” “I am not afraid to hurt you.”

“I know, but you’re not going to.” “Try me.”

He has a retort on his tongue, something he knows will piss her off, but he chooses not to say it, dipping his head and quickly brushing his lips over hers until neither of them can breathe. He loves her so much, loves the way her lips feel against his, loves the way her body moves with his, but he mostly just loves her and the way they get on. It’s never been like this with anyone, and even though sometimes they argue over the dumbest things, sometimes not talking for the rest of the day unless they’re with Henry, he wouldn’t change anything about their lives.

He might like to change the fact that they’re staying in his small apartment until they decide on where to move, but other than that, he wouldn’t change anything right now.

The boxes everywhere might be driving him a bit crazy, but he knew asking Emma and Henry to move in with him would mean that his apartment would never be neat again. He doesn’t mind. Really, he likes the changes. He likes that his refrigerator is covered in pictures that Henry draws him at daycare. He likes the fact that there are colorful toys scattered all across his living room that seem to multiply whenever he picks one up. He likes the fact that on his book shelf, next to all of the Naval history and strategy books, there are Emma’s trashy romance novels that she stuffs in the back and Henry’s colorful children’s books that they get to read every day.

Mostly he likes that he wakes up with blonde hair in his face every morning and then a little later on, he gets to eat breakfast with the little lad that means the absolute world to him. There’s nothing quite like Henry getting excited over something small like Killian making his food look like it’s smiling.

“I am not going to try you because I know you can kick my ass if you really want to.”

“This is true, as we’ve established. What time is it?”

“Early. We could probably go back to sleep.”

“Or we could wait for Henry to wake up and let him cuddle with us while we watch Bubble Guppies.”

“Swan,” he gasps, throwing his hand over his heart, “Bubble Guppies in bed before eight in the morning. How scandalous.”

“Shut up.” She rolls over in bed until she’s standing on the hardwood floor, rummaging through the boxes until she finds a sweater and pulls it over her shoulders. “It is Saturday morning, and I have had my time with you. I want time with my baby.”

“Am I not your baby? Because that’s not what you were saying last night. Or this morning.”

“Oh my God,” she groans, climbing back up on the mattress and straddling his lap over the comforter while her hands cup his face, “you are so ridiculous, and I honestly think that you got into some of Henry’s sugary cereal with how cheeky you are this morning.”

“You said I can’t throw it away, so how else am I going to get rid of it, Swan?”

“If he didn’t love you so much and wasn’t four, I’m pretty sure he would riot knowing you took his cereal.”

He reaches up and tucks her hair behind her ears, letting him see her eyes and the way amusement dances in them as her lips press together in a smile. “I would never eat his cereal. Henry may riot, but as we’ve established, his mum would kick my ass.”

“Exactly.” She slants her lips over his in a long, lingering kiss. “I love you, baby,” she drawls out, smattering kisses all over his face, “but I’m going to go check on my actual baby and bring him back in here. So go ahead and find the show.”

“Aye, will do, Captain.”

Emma practically jogs out of the room. While she��s gone, he laughs to himself, running his hand through his hair and over his beard until he’s getting out of bed and putting on some clothes for when Henry comes in. He’s probably already awake in his room which is still pretty much Killian’s study, usually waking up much earlier than he should, so he’s sure that Emma is trying to wrangle him into using the bathroom and brushing his teeth. He does the same, brushing his teeth while he tries to find Bubble Guppies on TV in hopes that he won’t have to find the DVD for it. Luckily, there’s a marathon of it on, and he lets the sounds fill the bedroom as he goes about his morning routine.

“Killy,” Henry shouts, bursting in the door with Emma trailing just behind him.

“Hey, buddy,” he laughs, leaning down and scooping Henry off of the ground and throwing him over his shoulder. He absolutely loves it every time Killian does it, especially because he can get him up higher than Emma can. “You want to do the airplane in a minute?”

“Yesss,” Henry giggles, squirming in his arms until Killian puts him down on the bed. He’s already jumping a bit on the mattress, his small legs giving him far too much momentum, and before Killian can even settle himself down onto the bed and get situated, Henry is jumping on him, his elbows jamming into Killian’s side. It takes everything in him not to mutter a curse with the pain. “Sorry,” Henry says bashfully, already backing up to where Emma is crawling under the covers.

“It’s okay,” he promises, laying down flat on his back. “But we have to remember to be patient, yeah? We don’t want to get hurt.”

Henry nods his head before Killian bends his legs and gets his feet situated. He’s getting too old to do this, even if he said he was youthful, but his limbs are a bit sore right now. He offered though, so he’s going to give Henry his plane ride. He settles onto Killian’s feet, and the moment he’s settled, Killian starts moving, making all of the right noises as Henry giggles and Emma adds in her own commentary. They’ve learned that Henry likes to make crash landings for the hell of it, so he makes sure he never goes to high, that Henry will always fall on the mattress, and sure enough, Henry keeps rolling over and dropping to the bed until his mum picks him up and puts him back on Killian’s feet.

When they’re finally finished, his thighs screaming at him, Henry settles down in between he and Emma so that he can finally watch TV. It’s much more peaceful this way, just the three of them getting caught up in the show while Henry asks them questions, trying to articulate things for words he doesn’t know yet, and then adding his own little adventures into the plot. Henry climbs over into his mother’s lap, something he usually do when they’re sitting together, and Killian wraps his arm around Emma’s shoulder, tugging her closer while his fingers toy with her hair.

He feels her lips brush against his cheek before she goes back to talking to Henry, and he’s honestly not sure if he’s ever felt this content.

-/-

“This is pretty cool, huh?” Neal asks him, nudging his shoulder into his as the news crew sets up their cameras and tries to find the right lighting while the two of them are finishing eating breakfast. Henry had been so relieved when he finally stumbled downstairs and started making his pancakes. He’s pretty sure that the lad would have eaten the batter if he could have. He’s outside with Emma now though, his stomach full of food. She’d taken him out when he kept getting caught distracting the men and women carrying equipment inside.

“Yeah, it is,” he admits even if he’s still a little annoyed over having strangers try to rearrange his carefully arranged living room. But if this is what Neal wants to do, he should do it. They haven’t exactly gotten a lot of time together with just the two of them, and it’s pretty much because Killian has been avoiding him. He’s pissed beyond belief at how Neal reacted to the news of he and Emma even though it’s almost been a month since then. He knew it would be difficult, but he didn’t expect any of that. He’s finding it hard to look at Neal with affection instead of annoyance, but he’s decided that his goal now is to find the friendship they once had despite everything. There’s really no reason why they shouldn’t be friends even with all of the complications. “You’re doing so well, and if this is what you want to do, I’m glad that you’re getting to do it.” “I mean, it’s weird. I never thought I’d be on TV, but I feel like it might help other people, you know? All of those coming home from war or whatever. Or even those being deployed. It shows that there’s hope even when things seem hopeless.” “Yeah,” Killian sighs, cringing a bit when one of the men tries to move the glass coffee table on his own, “it does. I’m sure it’ll help a lot of people. I hope it helps you to process things too. I know it took me a long time to fully feel at home again, and I was deployed for far less time.”

“Well, you always have been one who doesn’t like change. Remember when we were moving you out of that shitty apartment in DC, and you absolutely refused to get rid of the futon?”

“It was a good futon!” “It was a piece of junk, Jones. You just don’t like change. It’s why you’re still drinking rum.” “Yeah, well, it’s better than the disgusting whiskey you like. And you always liked the worst beers too.” “I liked what was cheap,” Neal laughs, his fingers adjusting the buttons on his uniform. “We’ll have to go out one night and get some of the good stuff.”

“I’d like that,” Killian answers honestly even if he hasn’t had much of a real desire to spend time with Neal alone. He should, he really should, but he doesn’t even know what they’d talk about now. He has to make the effort though. That’s his goal. They’re going to be friends again, get back to normal. That’s the word Emma keeps using. Normal. It’s what he keeps using too. “We’ll have to find a night, but I can show you this bar David and I go to sometimes when Emma and Mary Margaret want us out of the house. It’s a hole in the wall, but I kind of love it.”

“Alright, Sergeant Cassidy,” George Johansson begins, coming over to the table where he and Neal are sitting, “I’m ready to start as soon as you get your mic on.” “Perfect.” Neal nods his head before clapping his hand on Killian’s shoulder. “Can you go get Emma and Henry from outside? I know they’re not going to be in it, but I’d at least like for them to watch.”

“Of course.” He rises from his chair, straightening out his sweater and picking up the plates from the table and placing them in the sink before he makes his way outside.

Henry’s swinging on the swing set that he finally put together a few days ago. It’d been at two in the morning, but he’d finally gotten it put together enough so that he could have Henry help him put in the finishing touches. Emma’s sitting in the swing next to Henry, barely moving while she cradles a bundled-up Ada. Ada’s got on this little knitted hat with two fluff balls on top, and he’s weirdly obsessed with how it looks. Something about it makes him smile. It’s probably because of it reminds him so much of a beanie that Emma owns and is always wearing when it starts getting chilled outside.

“Neal’s about to start filming,” he says as he walks off the back porch and down the stairs toward them. “He said he wants you two to watch.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, buddy. He does.”

Henry digs his heels into the ground, kicking up some dirt, before getting up and running inside with all of the speed that he can muster. Emma gets up more slowly, almost hesitantly, before walking over to him and past him, a timid smile stretched across her lips while she heads inside too. He follows and hopes to everything that this interview goes well so that they can get the media out of their home for good.

-/-

“So, oftentimes,” George begins, speaking to Neal while he, Emma, Henry, and Ada sit in the corner of the room on their misplaced couch, “when our brave men and women come home from war as heroes like yourself, their lives are different than when they left. Usually it’s small changes, but for you, they’ve been rather big.”

“Well, Instagram certainly wasn’t a thing before I left. And there weren’t quite so many frozen yogurt shops everywhere,” Neal laughs, his entire face lighting up with genuine amusement. “Also, can I talk about Netflix? It was around, but you had to rent the DVDs. God, that was awful compared to now.”

George chuckles, and Killian does too while Henry whispers about wanting to watch Netflix later. All of that is so true, particularly the frozen yogurt thing. He swears there really is a shop on every corner. “Well, yes, those are certainly differences, but I was thinking more about the fact that your son, who was less than a month old when you were deployed, is now eight years old and a thriving third grader? How is that?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Emma nudge Henry, a kind smile on her face that is far outshone by the one on Henry’s. He looks absolutely thrilled to mentioned by his father on TV. It’s probably an eight-year-old’s dream if he’s not allowed to be on TV himself.

“It’s certainly weird, if I’m honest. I only got to see my son a few times. I wasn’t even there when he was born because I was out of town for training, which was just horrible timing, but in the times I did see him, just…wow. I was so in love with that baby. And for a long time, I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I used to imagine how he’d grow up, what he’d look like. Would he have my hair? Emma’s? I already knew he’d have my nose just from the beginning, but everything was such a mystery. And while I hate that I missed so much, that my wife had to raise him by herself, I’m just glad that I’m back now.”

“Speaking of your wife, we can’t imagine how she must feel about all of this.”

“Happy, I hope,” Neal laughs, flashing the camera his brightest smile again while Killian’s stomach rolls. Emma still hasn’t told him they’re not technically married anymore, and he’s not sure that Emma is ever going to tell him with the way she continually backs out of it. He doesn’t blame her. She’s already had to tell him so many awful things, and neither of them deserve to have to go through more. It’s got to happen at some point though just so everything can be out in the open. “She seems happy, at least. I think she’s probably a little sad I have some gray in me now, though. That wasn’t there before.”

“You’d think so, but I do have to ask you about something,” George continues while Neal crosses his legs and uncrosses them, seemingly unable to get comfortable. “Your family has always been private, has never been in the spotlight before, so it’s only since your homecoming that we’ve learned that your wife just had a baby with someone else. With one of your closest friends, actually if our research is any indication. How much of a shock was it to learn about that? You come home America’s hero, and your home is totally changed which is something much more common than most people realize.”

His stomach rolls again, the heavy lead that’s been present several times in the last two months making an appearance again. They keep getting hit out of left field by things they’re not expecting. His eyes find Emma’s, and even though she’s been so good at keeping this together lately, he can see her hands shaking, all of the guilt as obvious in her body as he’s ever seen it.

“Love,” he whispers, trying to contain himself from pulling the plug on the interview for this fucking question, “please take Henry and go into the other room. She nods her head, but they can’t move before Neal starts speaking.

“Yeah,” Neal sighs, leaning back into the chair and crossing his leg one more time, “that was a bit rough for me. Even though you should imagine that life goes on without you, it’s a bit of a difficult thing to find out that it’s exactly what happens. I guess I had this hope that I could come home to what I remembered, but honestly, I’m just glad to be home at all. Emma is the love of my life without any doubt, and all I want is for her to be happy. I don’t think it would be right to try to blame her or shame her for moving on and finding happiness. I was dead for all that she knew, and I’m happy that she found someone to love her and to be there for her.”

“So you don’t have any comment on your marriage?”

“I think right now my focus and Emma’s focus have been on helping me readjust to life and our new normal. She’s been doing a lot to help me get to know my son, and that’s been the most important thing to me. I’m finally getting to be with my family again. It makes coming home all the much sweeter.”

He can’t look away from Emma’s face, can’t look away from the way large tears are rolling down her cheeks while she holds Ada into her chest, and he can’t look away from how absolutely distraught she looks right now. How can he have been so selfish to try to hold onto Emma, to try to act like his family is the one that’s been torn apart when he’s been the one who is tearing a family apart as well? He’s been terrified of losing her, and he’s not even sure he has any right to feeling that way when she has the chance to have her family again.

He can’t do this right now.

He can’t.

#rising from the ashes #captain swan #cs fic #cs ff

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passive-aggressive-mercy · 7 years ago

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holy shit, I just went on a half hour rant I’m so sorry.

I’ve never played Skyrim, but there’s a big chance that character is inspired by, or at least named after Marcus Tullius Cicero.

Cicero, was an asshole, but he was a golden tongued asshole. grew up outside of Rome to wealthy parents, and had no real title when he ran for consul (an important position). basically back then, your ancestor’s name meant everything. it’s why in old stories and stuff, like Beowolf, they introduce themselves as their father’s son if their father is a known man. it gives people you just met an expectation or a level of respect for you based on your familial ties. but no one knew Cicero’s father because he didn’t come from Rome, but that didn’t matter because he was charismatic. he won. he won against this guy named Catiline, who btw, was a big fan of vigilante justice, but more on him later. anyway, Cicero became consul and immediately opposed a new law that was being passed about. see, even though no one knew his family, Cicero was still ‘old money’ or a patrician. and this guy named Tiberius Gracchus offered up a plan to take a little bit of land from wealthy people, and give it to the plebeians (the impoverished). aand those old money assholes (because you needed to have money to run for office back then. you needed to be a rich man to run for senate) didn’t like that shit at all because the plebeians don’t have a lot of money, but they got a lot of people in their ranks, so if one of them actually gets rich enough to run you know he’s going to get voted into office so fucking quick and that’s going to threaten the richy rich men’s precious community of power hungry pricks, so Tiberius and a bunch of his supporters get straight up murdered by senate members. But the bill looked like it was going to get passed anyway. meanwhile, Catiline, that dude from earlier, he’s in a metric fuck-ton of debt after not winning the election, plus he’s pretty pissed that a no name fucking ass-hat stormed in from no where and swiped the consul position from him, so like any normal person he decides he’s going to fucking assassinate key members of the senate and set the government buildings on fire so that all of the records of debt get burned and no one has any more debt and at this point in time, thanks to numismatics (the study of coins) we know that Rome is pretty short on funds right now, not as much currency is getting made, and a lot of indebted plebeians are pretty desperate for any sort of help to get out of poverty because you know, they can barely eat. plus, their only real advocate just got fucking murdered soo they’ll hop on board basically any plan right now. so Catiline builds a fucking militia and tell them to wait outside town and he organizes with all these peeps to get his plan off the ground when OOPS! someone wanted to impress his girlfriend so they told her about the plan to overthrow the government. turns out she’s fucking tight with Cicero, and now the head bitch in charge knows what’s up with our homeboy. Cicero takes our main man to court and spouts off this whole speech that’s basically “I was threatened!! by this man!! who is jEALOUS of ME and my ACCOMPLISHMENTS and he and his SMELLY THIEF FRIENDS want to taKE oUr LaNd and fucking RUIN SHIT and you guys killed the LAST ASSHOLE who TRIEd to fuck with us why won’t you at least STAB this one??? you know what? just get him out.” and so Catiline fucks off to his militia, and they have a nice time rejecting the status quo until Catiline gets himself demolished on the battlefield. meanwhile, Cicero shoots the land share legislation out of the air and begins to go on a witch hunt for Catiline’s followers, persecuting people without even giving them a trial, and the people of Rome are having none of that shit the senate is full of assholes, but they’re honorable assholes... actually no they weren’t the government was filled with lies and corruption, but they couldn’t just let Cicero murder these people so they were like “hey, maybe you should cool off. take a walk outside for a bit, and then come back when you’ve calmed down.” so Cicero went into exile for a few years, left his wife (who wasn’t technically his wife anymore because he was banished from Rome) in charge of all his finances, came back after a while, watched Julius Caesar get stabbed, went to fight in the civil war because of the whole... leader of Rome getting stabbed...thing. and comes back afterward and now he’s been away so long, the relationship with his wife is so strained and he finds out she’s skimming off the top of his estate earnings and [Cicero implies in a letter to his bestie that he thinks] she’s going to use the money to run away with a freed slave of theirs that she fell in love with, so he divorces her, but at this point, he has no money to pay her father back his dowry ( a thing the father of the bride gives the new husband as a compensation), and his daughter’s good for nothing (third) ex husband hasn’t payed back his dowry yet, so Cicero is kinda strapped for cash right now. what’s the solution Cicero goes for? marry a 15 year old who’s dad is rich. and that’s what he does. (keep in mind he’s like *at best* in his 50′s right now) so a week after he divorces probably one of the most boss women in Roman history, he marries a fifteen year old girl, and everything is going fine, until Cicero’s daughter Tullia dies in childbirth. (he absolutely adored Tullia, she was his pride and joy, unlike his good for nothing son, coincidentally also named Marcus Tullius Cicero, who died in the civil war while trying to impress daddy dearest. spoiler, didn’t work.) and Cicero is so stricken with greif that he locks himself in his study, and his new wife divorces him. meanwhile, Octavian, Julius Ceaser’s nephew/adopted son (didn’t actually adopt him, simply named him Julius’s heir in his will, and Octavian saw an opportunity and ran with it) just defeated Marc Antony in battle and goes by Augustus now, (yes, this is Augustus Caesar you’ve heard of him, yeah?) and is the supreme overlord of Rome (lol but Octavian will straight up deny it. “no no no, I’m one of you, please don’t stab me to death 23 times on March 15th like you did with my dad pretty pls.”) anyway, Cicero has been pretty politically vocal, and after all the shenanigans while he was Consul, the new senate wasn’t having that shit at all, and Cicero got his name added to the Murder List ™ aaand so the Senate’s hired assassins payed him a lil’ visit. and now, you know who Cicero is.

#basically the entire life of cicero #rip in pieces you prick #ancient rome

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pokefanbri · 4 years ago

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Found out something about myself today. The type of anxiety I have is called social anxiety? My breathing is rapid & I just shut down, & can't talk when someone is angry at me or raises their voice to ridicule me....an affect of being abused most my life, I can't help it when it happens & I cry, but I can take a moment after an ordeal to breath & recover. Working in a social environment probably isn't the best for me, but a rude customer is somewhat rare so other wise im fine. Does explain a couple factors of my previous relationship with my ex bf though, I didn't ever want to disappoint him but I felt I was a disappointment...it wasn't bad just a tiny bit of a bully 😅 but that's normal for him...was all it took i guess when it came to him cuz he was the 1 person I did care of what he thought of me...my anxiety just mainly crying & somewhat steadily constant. I don't get it though he was extremely mild compared to let's say my mom or my brother, he was great....but words hurt sometimes. But again I didn't want to disappoint....I couldn't be myself after a while, I was an emotional wreck just being empathetic....sensing the atmosphere & body language that I wasn't wanted & was just a bother...it is a very sad feeling being alone when someone's there. We clicked but not fully, I couldn't be comfortable & more so on edge with him than with my ex husband of which I dont think I ever cried. idk completely what it was but at least I know what causes me to panic & uncontrollably cry 🥲 as long as I know I can try to control it better. I let people get to me more than I should, it hit me more with him cuz I really do care about him more than anyone, so I sought for his approval & fell short..and felt worthless. He does this all the time & did it to me technically...though not the only solution either 😒, he taught me something valuable that I forget sometimes, whenever there's a person u can't deal with use the ban hammer or block them....its not like a stream or social media though when they're right infront of u 🤔 its more difficult to manage.

Social anxiety is a chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety. For people with social anxiety disorder, everyday social interactions cause irrational anxiety, fear, self-consciousness, and embarrassment. Symptoms may include excess fear of situations in which one may be judged, worry about embarrassment or humiliation, or concern about offending someone. The exact cause of social phobia is unknown. However, current research supports the idea that it is caused by a combination of environmental factors and genetics. Negative experiences also may contribute to this disorder, including bullying.

The more I find out about myself, the more I can better it as long as im aware of it, it can be helped at least a lil bit. I can learn to better deal with it. Many things affected us & contributed to our downfall but we still had fun together nonetheless as best friends do, I fell too hard maybe...I treasure the time we spent, & I place him close to my heart forever. He's worth it to me, the only one I've loved more than anyone else, unforgettable. Getting my heart broken by him showed me the depth of my heart. I ain't ever loved no one liked that. We didn't work through our issues, but that doesn't mean we can't learn & grow from our experience & try our best wherever we go next 💖

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professorsparklepants · 7 years ago

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Girlvek secret marriage au

(AKA: Falling in love with Gil Hotzfaller was the worst mistake Tarveka ever made).

So, here’s what I got:

Tarveka “Veka” Sturmvoraus, the eight year old second daughter of the Prince of Sturmhalten, begs, pleads, and weeps crocodile tears until her father sends her to Castle Wulfenbach to be educated with the future rulers of Europa. There she meets orphan-without-a-past Gil Hotzfaller, who quickly becomes her best friend, and when they break into the records vault looking for his family records, instead of staying behind to dig deeper, she runs after Gil to try and comfort him. Neither of them get caught.

Several years pass. Both of them break through remarkably early, likely around the same time, and they’re told by the Baron to keep Gil’s spark quiet (sensibly, Veka thinks, since a breakthrough this young in a boy without any family will draw the attention of a great deal of people eager to piss off the baron). Other than the Baron and Von Pinn, she’s the only person who knows about it, since she just happened to be in the fight place at the right time, which was next to Gil, where she always is.

(I haven’t decided when exactly Gil found out about his real parentage, but it’s somewhere around his breakthrough. Gil gets scared into keeping quiet, but his friendship with Veka never suffers because he knew she was his friend even before he was someone important).

Somewhere around 13 or 14 she and Gil start quietly dating. It’s an open secret among the kids at the school, who’ve known they were going to and up together for YEARS, but since Gil is a nobody and Veka is 50 families they know to keep quiet and save the two of them grief. Everything seems to be going great until their first big fight as a couple, because it’s a BAD one. Veka wants to look into Gil’s family more, because she remembers how miserable he was after the vault and knows something else is going on. Gil reacts badly and accuses her of not caring about anyone unless they’re useful to her. Veka snaps back that Gil has been anything but useful to her. Gil says he’s been useful enough keeping all of her secrets. Things deteriorate further from there; they both run off in a huff.

Gil mentions the fight (if not the context) to his father, because Veka looking into his past is something he knows the Baron doesn’t want. Klaus then proceeds to over-react and expel Veka from the school.... without telling Gil. Veka is under the impression that Gil went to the Baron and sold her out. Gil is under the impression that Veka threw a fit and decided to break up with him in the most definitive way possible. She refuses to look at him or say goodbye when she leaves.

Several bitter, miserable years pass.

After living with her father’s terrifying and ethically unsettling agenda for god knows how long, Tarveka finally able to escape and attend university in Paris. She’s not free, because the Mongfishes rubbed their dirty fingerprints all over the Order and there’s no way to escape their agenda, but she’s as good as she can get. Maybe while she’s gone she can formulate a plan to scrub the order down.

Mostly she ends up finding dead bodies at society parties, but that’s practically normal in her family. Developing a hobby of amateur detective work is not, but it’s significantly more fun, and she gets a good friendship with Colette Voltaire out of it, so everybody wins. She’s almost starting to enjoy herself when she runs into Gil again.

Their first meeting is not pleasant. Neither is the second. Or the third, or the fourth.... For two people who hate each other, Colette is fond of pointing out (to the both of them) they tend to meet a lot. Tarveka is fairly certain it’s because the universe hates her. It’s the only explanation.

After several vaguely humorous events where Gil ends up crashing one of Tarveka’s cases, or Veka ends up caught in Gil’s adventures, or their two seemingly unrelated genres of after-school activities turn out to have been entangled from the beginning, the two of them settle into a vitriolic partnership founded on mutual survival and Not Talking About It, With Anyone, Not Even If You Paid Me Colette. The turning point is when they get into a REALLY BAD fight where they drag up all the stuff that happened on the castle and find out that both of them have different stories and someone must be wrong here, and maybe it’s both of us.

I’m not sure on the specifics of how their relationship progresses from there but I’m sure it involves a lot of attempted murder and rampaging monsters and slow burn, and the two of them in various stages of undress due to action scene clothing damage and pulpy fan-service tropes. At one point Colette suggests that Gil knock Veka up so she can retire from politics in disgrace to become Paris’ greatest dressmaker and everyone chokes on their drinks in horror (Wooster) and embarrassment (Gil and Veka). Maybe there’s fake dating. Eventually they start REAL dating again, and Veka makes a lot of jokes about Gil being her kept man, and everything is (mostly) great.

This is where the secret marriage plot comes in.

Martellus comes to town for a few weeks and pays more attention to Tarveka than normal. Like, a weird amount of attention. He danced with her four times at the last ball they both went to, and even spending time “keeping Grandma company” hadn’t deterred him. She’d been forced to resort to throwing eligible young ladies with power hungry mothers at him to keep him away from her.

Meanwhile, Anevka’s letters start mentioning lab accidents at Sturmhalten--specifically, her lab. They never have lab accidents at home. The idea is ludicrous, which means someone is trying to kill Anevka and not even bothering to be subtle about it. Which in their family is a long list.

She doesn’t think to connect the two until she has a dream one night where she’s the sovereign Princess of Sturmhalten, happy and glowing, congratulated by her many powerful and influential guests who all adore her. Someone asks if she’s looking forward to the coronation, and she replies Only as much as my husband is! And an arm wraps around her waist and she leans into it as Tweedle kisses her cheek and calls her wife and she wakes up in a cold sweat.

She and Anevka are the only thing standing between Tweedle and incontestable rule of Europa. If either of them have sons, their claim will be better than Tweedle’s, unless they’re his sons. Anevka is dangerous and stubborn and would castrate him with a socket wrench if she knew he was even considering it, but everyone thought Veka was a pushover who did whatever her father told her because that was the price of surviving. Grandma hadn’t stopped Tweedle from dancing with her even though Veka knew she was the favorite grandchild, which meant either she was in on it or she was expecting Veka to solve her own problems, and if Grandma wasn’t openly supporting her then she had little chance of talking her father around, and she would have to marry Tweedle, and have his children, and let him touch her--

TWEEDLE CAN’T MARRY HER IF SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

This is more of a ”panic at 3 am” plan than a Tarveka plan but when she wakes up (again) the next morning it seems like a good idea, because she’s actually still panicking. Gil spits out his coffee when she brings it up and then Colette spits out her tea when they ask her to be the witness.

In the future when asked, Gil’s defense for going through with this is 20% “I thought it was just technical and she would ask for an annulment later” and 80% “I didn’t actually believe it was really happening until we literally signing the marriage contract”. Tarveka’s is, besides the aforementioned panicking, “AT THE TIME Gil was the only person I trusted not to take advantage of me”. Colette, when asked, claims that a. they were clearly hopelessly in love, b. she knew that Tarveka was miserable at home and would be even more so if she ever broke up with Gil to get a political marriage, and c. the fallout was going to be HILARIOUS. (None of which are WRONG, per-say).

There’s a short honeymoon period until Gil realizes that like.... if they’re.... actually doing this.... he should probably like.... actually tell Veka who he is. So they have a serious talk about the trajectory of their relationship and how neither of them actually wants a divorce and at one point probably like, mush, and then he tells her. And she is SUPER PISSED. Especially since lying about your identity makes it a voidable marriage.

To quote Doc, who gave me permission to steal this piece of gold:

"Hey, I'm still the same Gil you know and love, right?" "Sentimentally, YES! Legally, NO!"

Like, this puts her in an amazing political position over the order and tbh most of Europa but she’s still SUPER PISSED because she married Gil specifically because she loves him and thought she could trust him and the fact that he was lying to her about this! For years! Even when they were kids! Fucks her up a little.

Right in the middle of this emotional shit show is when Tarveka finds out her sister is dying. She makes up with Gil, a little, when she’s leaving (and she has to leave, because even if Anevka was a menace and made her skin crawl she’s still her sister), and promises they’ll talk more if when she comes back.

THEN she finds out their father put Anevka into the summoning machine, and more panicking happens. Because her father put his DAUGHTER and HEIR into the summoning machine to get possessed by his EX-GIRLFRIEND and after he got over his hypocritical grief there was no proof he wouldn’t try it again with the spare.

I imagine that the extra years spent on Castle Wulfenbach gave Veka time and space to come to the same conclusions Tarvek gets to in canon when he finally has time away from his family--that no one deserves the sort of thing Lucrezia wanted to do to them. The difference here being that she got thrown back into it as a young teenage girl with the implication that as long as she was good, she’d be safe. This is proof that was a lie, and that she’s never been safe here at all, and maybe only survived through luck.

Clearly now the only way to make sure she survives long enough to heal Anevka is to cut her father and the Other out of the equation altogether. So... she contacts the Baron about the veritable army living underneath her town, armed with dozens of hive engines. As you do.

I think you guys can imagine how exactly that goes.

After everyone that needs killing’s been killed and everything that needs handling is being handled, the Baron tracks her down and demands to know why he shouldn’t just kill her immediately for treason and harboring Agents of the Other.

To which her response is “Because I’m your daughter-in-law.”

And that’s where things start getting interesting.

#i need a tag for this #secret marriage au #lectures #girl genius #why did i spend 2 hours on this rip #genderbending

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surveys-at-your-service · 7 years ago

Text

Survey #102

been awhile, huh?

will you cry at your wedding? i can pretty much guarantee i will.are you named after one of your parents or grandparents? no, but most of the girls in my family have the same middle name.do you feel that your previous relationships were a waste of time? one was. have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? no. what’s your ring tone? "telescope" by starset. who gets up the earliest in your household? the latest? me or mom. i think nicole gets up last, but then again, her room's on the other end of the house, so. i don't really see her. have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? yes, before i knew you shouldn't. have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? i briefly lived in an apartment with my ex. do you take offense to things easily? depends on the subject. more than anything, the misuse of the term "retarded" offends me. in a car: air conditioning, or roll the windows down? air conditioning. i absolutely despise my hair flying in my face. what’s your computer's background at the moment? on the laptop i currently have to use, it's ashley and aubree (this was ash's laptop). on my personal one that currently isn't working, it's a beautiful picture of trico and the boy from "the last guardian." do you look more like your mom or dad? i've heard both. i think i look more like mom. what’s the last video you watched on youtube? i'm watching the game grumps play the remake of the first "resident evil." are you a fan of lady gaga? i like like... two of her songs. i personally find "bad romance" to be catchy as fuck. sleep position? i usually sleep on my side with my top leg bent up into an angle. what would you name your future daughter? i don't want kids, but if i had one, her name would be alessandra, nicknamed "alessa." if i had another, she'd probably be chloe. what’s something you have a very strong opinion about? abortion. name an interesting fact about yourself. uhhh. i don't know if i still can, but i could ride my bike without handlebars when i used to do it all the time. who is the first person in your contacts? ashley, my sister. do you believe in destiny? no. do animal furs upset you? i don't support using them in most societies, no, because it seems incredibly unnecessary. we have other materials. in certain areas though, like eskimos in alaska, i don't mind it because hey, they have to keep warm. who picks the music when you're riding in the car? if it's me and mom and i'm in the passenger seat, i use my ipod to play music from the car. how do you feel about diet dr. pepper? diet sodas give me a headache, and dr. pepper gives me heartburn. have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? hurricane floyd was pretty devastating. are you really into vintage things? have you ever been into that stuff? YEP. if going to a concert, do you prefer it to be outside or in a stadium? inside. don't have to worry about the weather. has anyone you know gotten mono? ashley had mono in middle school. do you look at the keyboard when you type? no. have you ever kissed someone anywhere other than on the face/head? yes. do you like your teeth? i wish they were whiter and that i didn't have a retainer on my bottom row, but eh. how many siblings does your significant other have? he also has a sister named ashley. what was the first online account you remember having? neopets. what’s your father’s handwriting like? messy and everything is capitalized. have you ever been a bridesmaid? yes. name one of your ex’s mother’s names? virginia. if you could move out of your home country permanently, would you? if so, where would you go? i wouldn't, but if i had to, i'd move to germany. have you ever been to craigslist.com? yeah. it's pretty common in the south. my best friend got her cat from there. on "grand theft auto," do you just kill people or actually do the missions? i've never played. i used to watch my neighbor hunter play when we were young, though. then jason and jacob played some of one at the old apartment, and i was impressed that it actually had story. do you own anything “lucky”? no. what is your dad’s occupation? he's been a mailman for a very long time. do you believe that weed should be legalized? it is legal in a lot of places so, old survey, but no, i don't support its legalization. do you like apple jacks? yes. what is one thing that you absolutely despise about your personality? i can be very paranoid. what's the worst nightmare you've ever had? something involving my dad. what's been the most traumatic experience of your life and does it still bother you? jason breaking up with me, and it can, if i'm exposed to certain triggers. do you think french kissing is gross? i mean, technically yeah. imagine the germs. but i don't hold actual issue with it. do you have any petnames for the person you love? i don't love him, i like him, but no. if you were cremated, where would you want your ashes to be placed? i want to be used as part of a fertilizer for a tree. do you own any animals that absolutely hate you? no. bentley acts like he's scared of me, but he's scared of like... everything. but he doesn't hate me. how and when did you discover your favorite show at the moment? "that '70s show" i discovered from my mother years ago, and "fullmetal alchemist" i first saw with my ex in 2012 or 2013, idk. what type of art could you always appreciate but never see yourself actually doing? surreal stuff. your hair can be any color you want, but it's permanently there. what color do you choose? uhhh... galaxy hair? i wanna do that next, and i find it to be beautiful. who named your pets? ashley named teddy, nicole named cali and bentley, and i named venus. is there a particular reason for their names? ashley thought of "teddy" because she thought he was cute as one. i have no fucking clue where "cali" came from since it's derived from "calico," and she's a boxer. "bentley" has no real story. i named my snake "venus" because their color is similar, and i also found the name majestic. does anyone have anything of yours? jason might. do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? nope. who introduced you to your current significant other? if you’re single, who introduced you to your last ex? i don't know who did, actually. we were introduced because we were kinda in the same friend group. do you think struggles make you stronger? depends on your attitude. how old were you when you started puberty? i don't know. i'm bad with time stamps. how did it make you feel? i was upset, i remember. i cried when i got my first period. i felt like i wasn't a kid anymore. what is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush/husband listed under in your phone? just "girt" what are you listening to? "champagne supernova" by oasis have you ever liked someone way older than you? no. have you ever had a ufo sighting or a sighting of strange lights in the sky? i don't believe in ufos in the alien sense, but i've seen a strange light. i noticed a star getting bigger every night (i used to walk outside with my ipod every night), and one night, it looked like it was shaking a bit. it was also kinda green. then it seemed to explode, getting pretty bright and bigger and just fizzling out of the sky. it was SUPER cool. i looked up supernovas from earth, but nothing looked exactly like that thing did. have you ever had bronchitis? no, though i totally should've when jason had it. despite him telling me not to, i kissed him a number of times anyway in hopes of helping him cheer up. he was miserable. i have an immune system of steel, but that was still stupid. does anyone in your family go deer or bird hunting? who is it anyway? no. nicole used to go deer hunting with her friend hailee, but they don't really talk anymore to my knowledge. are you someone who is afraid of clowns? what makes you fear them? no. have you ever done time? no. would you ever date anyone that has? nope. have you ever dismissed something and claimed you disliked it before actually trying it? can you give an example of something you dislike but haven’t tried, and why? sushi. i absolutely refuse to try it. i don't like fish, nor do i like seaweed, so. can you name a song from a genre you usually dislike? how come you like this song? "when the stars go blue" by tim mcgraw. i just find it beautiful. have you ever been to one of the great lakes? i think i might've when i was very, very young and went to michigan. do you know anyone who has had a heart attack? my late grandpa had over 10 very minor heart attacks, i think, according to a doctor. i can't remember the exact number (s)he said. if you got pregnant young, would you get married to the guy who got you pregnant, or for guys, if you got a girl pregnant at a young age, would you marry her? no. that's a poor reason to get married. if you were dating someone seriously for a long time and were considering marriage, would them not wanting kids or vice versa be a deal-breaker? i don't want kids, so him wanting kids would obviously be an issue. could you date someone with no job, no car and no goals? i don't care about a car. i could date someone on disability if they actually needed it, but i couldn't date someone who simply doesn't want a job. i also probably couldn't date anyone who had NO goals. how old is the last person you kissed? he's 23-24, not sure... where was your mom born? flushing, queens, new york. pretty sure. have you ever seen your siblings naked? i know i have with nicole because we took baths together as little kids, then after she takes a shower now, she'll sometimes come into the living room naked to grab clothes without a towel sometimes?? dunno why. she has literally no shame though and it's amazing lol. do you take vitamins? if so, what kinds? no. what’s your favorite flavor of sun chips? i loathe sun chips. favorite kind of m&ms? normal ones. are you afraid of roller coasters? yes. i'm afraid of puking. do/did you enjoy it when your school would have pep rallies? no, i loathed them. i never even went if they occurred in a period where i was close to the teacher because they gave me anxiety. do you see more of your mom or dad’s side of the family more? mom's. i haven't seen anyone on dad's side since i was little. do you say bless you when someone sneezes? even if you don’t know who it is? yes, and sometimes. if the opportunity arose, would you ever go to a nude beach? do you think you’d be comfortable enough, being naked among others like that? no. even if i was in good shape, i wouldn't be comfortable. have you ever seen an animal give birth? have you ever had a pet give birth before? i've seen some of our old cats give birth various times. would you date someone who still lived with their parents? yes. would you watch a porno with your partner? no. would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends? this is probably bitchy to say, but i'm not sure i'd be okay with that. would you tie up a partner if they asked you to do so? i don't know. what is one unique thing you’re afraid of? whale sharks. no animal needs a mouth that big. D: do you know anyone in the military? what is your relationship to them? yeah, leon. acquaintance from high school. what will your next tattoo be of? probably "hakuna matata" with the anxiety ribbon beside it. will probably be on my other collarbone. have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? he shaved, but sometimes he'd have a mild one. what’s your favorite type of milk? chocolate, if you include that, but if not, like 2% what are three girls’ names that you really like? alessandra, chloe, evelyn. what are three boys’ names that you really like? vincent, luther, victor. what is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld? mountains<3 do you pray? rarely. what’s your favorite type of tree? weeping willows. does your pet wear a collar? yes. thinking of the person in your family you have the worst relationship with, what makes it so difficult? my grandma. she's very closed-minded, old-fashioned, and rather high-class. have you ever outwardly wished someone the best but inwardly wished that they would be unhappy? shamefully, yes. would you have an abortion if you would otherwise die in childbirth? with my newfound adjustment to my stance on abortion, i really don't know. if i am being 110% honest, i think if i was presented with this issue... ugh, i don't know. probably, if it was guaranteed i'd die. i just don't think it's fair that someone should have to die for someone. do you enjoy competition shows? sometimes. what kind of side dish do you prefer to eat your chicken with? fries. do you have a pinterest account? yes. have you ever seen the television show "the munsters"? MOM AND I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME OMGGGG what is the saddest movie that you’ve ever seen? uhhh, not sure. what’s your favorite type of seafood? (i.e. shrimp, lobster, etc.) i only ever enjoy shrimp prepared in certain ways. tell me five facts about your father. 1.) he's a mailman; 2.) he's from ohio; 3.) his name's kenneth, but everyone calls him ken; 4.) he's married to an awesome woman named kim; 5.) he loves fishing. where do your grandparents live? michigan, and my grandma technically lives in florida, but stays with her son's family in new york a lot. what's your favorite big cat? by the traditional definition, tigers, but i looked it up to be sure of what was included and apparently more than i thought were involved. with the expanded list, snow leopards. do you like classic rock or modern rock better? classic. does your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush smoke pot? to my knowledge, he's never smoked anything. what is something that you hate to do every day? take my heartburn med, because it tastes awful. what does your mom call you? "brittany" or "britt" if you could have one language, one habit, and one skill “downloaded” straight into your brain, what would they be? german, exercising, and cooking. do you pay rent to your parents? no, considering i don't get paid to begin with. who is the most stubborn person you know {excluding yourself}? colleen. is working with animals something you enjoy? how about working with people? what would be your ideal work environment? i love being with animals, but i've proven i can't work with people. and then there's the fact with most jobs where you work with animals, other humans are involved. so i guess my ideal work environment would be something completely solo. when was the last time you deeply disagreed with someone's opinion on something? did you say anything about it? so there's a survey taker on livejournal (where i get a lot of the surveys i take) and she is literally the bitchiest, most stuck-up, rudest person i have ever come across. there have been multiple occasions where i have seriously considered making an account there just to tell her to grow the fuck up, but no, i've never said anything. who was the last person you slow danced with, and to what song? jason, "stairway to heaven" by led zeppelin how do you decide which surveys to take? i don't do bolding surveys, nor do i pick ones with really fucking stupid questions. name a very rare item that you would love to own. i would fucking ADORE to have one of the "shadow of the colossus" figurines that came out for a short time in japan. that would be a dream come true. are you good at memorizing phone numbers? no. literally the only number i have memorized is my mom's. do you like men/women who have a sensitive side? yes. do you think it’s possible to be in a long relationship without having sex? i was in a relationship for almost four years without it, so. what’s the song that reminds you of your special someone? idk. talk about how you feel about each of your exes. i'm going to include everyone who ever had the title of "boyfriend," so let's start from the top. i have no ill feelings towards aaron whatsoever. it was puppy love, and he was an amazing friend. i truly hope he finds all the happiness in the world. juan? jesus christ. he's going to end up in prison one day; he needs to get his shit together. i hold no feelings towards him and he annoys me more than anything. as for jason, he made me extremely happy once upon a time and i'll never forget him, but he became a very ugly person and i no longer hold any remnants of feeling for him. tyler, i never did hold proper feelings towards him and still don't and wish those few weeks never even happened. he needs to learn he's never going to find happiness romance-wise if he continues to be so obsessive. how would you react if you had a particularly unusual pain or ache? i get nervous and ask my mom about it. is there anything that people always tell you that you should do? (ex - “you should be an artist!”) yes, to be an artist. what was the best year of your life? it might actually be this one! just because of how far i've come. what is something that many people seem to have in life that you don’t? does it bother you or does it not really affect you? at my age? a considerable level of independence. i don't drive, i don't have a job, i don't understand and can't do many things people of my age should be able to do. yes, it bothers me, and it bothers me a lot. is there anything that has been drilled into your brain since you were young & you finally decided to stop listening to? how did it feel once you decided to listen to yourself over what you were told? the first thing that comes to mind is that me being told via my religion that homosexuality is wrong. i went about 19 or 20 years believing it was, though please note, i never hated or even disliked those in the lgbt community. then i was listening to a rhett & link podcast where they were talking to hannah hart, and she went into her history of coming out as gay, and despite having no real connection to her, i felt her story. it just made me start questioning myself more heavily, which i had done about a billion times before. i finally decided that i just couldn't see how it was "wrong;" jesus himself supposedly claimed that some people were born as such (he used a word with multiple definitions, but the most common one referred to gay individuals), but honestly, even if that wasn't biblical, i would've stilled changed my mind about my stance. i fail to believe there is anything wrong with two individuals sincerely loving each other just because science says they can't reproduce. the ability to love comes from the heart, not the chromosomes you're given. okay i'm rambling. anyway, i felt honestly massively relieved when i realized my true opinion. if you are currently in a relationship, what is one thing that seems to be unique or different about your relationship with this person, compared to other relationships in general? if you are currently single, is this more of a choice or is it more just the way things are going, not really something you chose? if you are neither “single” or officially in a relationship, what are your feelings on your current situation? i think a unique thing about the two of us is how long we were friends first. most relationships begin at the early friend stage, but we waited seven years. we went into this with a far deeper understanding of each other. do you feel that it is acceptable to hang out with the preferred sex alone when in a relationship (besides with your significant other, of course)? is this something that does or might cause problems in a relationship for you? no, i don't have an issue with it. girt and i did this occasionally while i was with jason, and nothing ever came of it while we were together. when you feel jealousy, how do you deal with it? just that: deal with it. let it roll over. do you like the feeling of relying on or being emotionally attached to somebody or do you try to avoid that feeling? this doesn’t just mean in relationships, but being close with people in general. after jason, i avoid that shit like the plague. the one thing you want people to remember about you? that i never gave up. a habit you want to break? immediately assuming the worst. the most encouraging thing someone’s said to/done for you? we don't talk anymore, but for some reason, that one time chelsea told me how beautiful i was and that i deserved everything in the world stuck with me. just the way she said it is something i won't forget. how do you pursue a love interest? are you active or passive about it? i'm passive as fuck. i don't make the moves. you (and your friends or s/o) are free tonight! where do you go? and/or the best party/event you’ve ever been to? this actually makes me think back over a year ago when girt, colleen, bradley, and i went out to eat together and colleen and i got our matching tattoos. that was a blast. 10/10 would do again. and knowing us, if we were all free and wanted to get together one day, we'd probably just chill at colleen's house. worst thing you’ve done to avoid someone on social media, or just in general? probably just pretend to be offline. i haven't gone to extreme measures. worst memory you’ve ever had? and/or worst thing you’ve ever done to someone? my worst memory is the night jason left. i can essentially give you a play-by-play of it. i don't know the worst thing i've ever done to someone. a song that never fails to lift up your feelings? mainly due to memories, "closer" by the chainsmokers makes me smile. colleen and i will never NOT sing it lol. just a lot of memories of riding with her and chels and singing. and i don't sing a lot. how do you fall in love? do you fall fast and hard for someone or does it take time for you to fall in love? with jason, i fell pretty fast. with my current boyfriend, i'm taking it slow as hell. what’s the hardest thing you’ve had to give up? i actually used to say jason, but the previous answer to this survey changed my mind to "my mental health." my mental health went downhill at a young age, and it ultimately caused far more turmoil than jason alone. who do you look up to? name those (living, dead, fictional, real, etc.) who have inspired you in life. a lot of people have inspired me. but the person who inspires me most is mark fischbach. he came from nothing and became youtube's "most influential" gamer for a reason. his outlook on life is something i really respect and he's just overall the kind of good person i hope i can be, and i could only wish to be that ambitious. steve irwin is also one of my biggest inspirations; his love for animals was unparalleled, and i will always appreciate him for teaching me so much about them. he died doing what he adored. i also look up to link neal & rhett mclaughlin (grouping them together 'cuz let's be real they're essentially the same person tbh); they are so endlessly creative and unique and quirky. i also find it inspiring that they, too, came from north carolina of all boring-ass places, yet they made it big. ugh i look up to so many more that i'm blanking atm. what is something (show, book, song, person, etc.) that you are currently unhealthily obsessed with? i will forever be obsessed with mark, rhett, link, meerkats, and "silent hill" @_@ which overrated tattoo are you sick of seeing? personally, i believe if you want a tattoo that means something to you, get it. but nevertheless, i'm still sick of seeing dreamcatchers and infinity symbols. do you know anybody whose initials spell something? ashley's used to spell "and" before she got married. how many entryways are there into your living room? three: front door, from my room, from the kitchen. have you been hit on by someone that was already in a relationship? yes. are you indecisive? unbelievably. has a guy ever admitted that you hurt him? jason's teared up before when arguing, so in a way i assume i did. when was the last time you ate at burger king? it's been years. i don't really like it. if you have pets, have they ever needed surgery? no. under what circumstances would you donate a kidney? if my mom needed one and no one else was willing. she only has one, so losing the one she has now would be a big issue, to put it lightly. is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself? i hate this fucking question. obviously. i hated myself when i was with jason, yet i adored him. if you have facebook, are you guilty of fanning countless things? you have no idea how much shit i used to "fan." whom are you subscribed to on youtube, and when did you subscribe? there's a number of people i'm subscribed to and actually watch, so, i'll go through the list. markiplier: i would annoy literally everyone if i went into every detail as to why i watch him and make a 10-paragraph explanation so i'm just going to answer this with "everything" lol. i subscribed in either 2012 or 2013, i forget. good mythical morning & rhett and link: they host a very entertaining and sometimes educational show that never fails to surprise. they're wonderful people and deserve all the support in the world. i watch their music channel because their songs tend to be quirky and also catchy as fuck and i also just want to support my north carolina babes. subscribed in early 2016. pewdiepie: he's unlike anyone else on the planet and has always been very funny to me, albeit sometimes immature. he's evolved wonderfully to having a sense of humor i really enjoy. i subscribed in 2012 or 2013 again, though i remember it was before mark. 8bitryan/8bitgaming: i really enjoy ryan's silliness and his editing style appeals to me. he's a total goof that i find enjoyable to watch. i enjoy bazamalam on 8bitgaming too, but tbh i mainly watch it for ryan lol. i subscribed to ryan first early this year, and then 8bitgaming a little while later. timmy timato: he's like the happiest person ever and is very entertaining. despite having no interest in cooking, i find his diys very unique, and i'm always curious to see what he makes. really disliked when he started adding inconceivably childish songs in his timeskips, though. but regardless, i find him extremely funny. subscribed last year thanks to my friend alex. game grumps: danny and arin are the funniest people i've ever heard. they're just overall hilarious to me, simple as that. subscribed literally last month, despite being a fan of them for a while due to their videos with mark. joe santagato: also just very funny; his reactions to shit is priceless. subscribed last year due to being exposed to him by my friend alyssa. i'm subscribed to like... over 100 others, mostly amv makers, but i don't actively watch. do your parents swear? dad does, mom doesn't much and mostly avoids "fuck" unless she's pissed. name all the movies you remember crying during while watching them. i've never liked sobbed at any movie, but i know i've teared up to "the notebook," "a walk to remember," "titanic," i think "marley and me," and i know good and well there are more. are you excited to pick out your wedding dress one day? kinda. i think it'd be cool to see various different ones until i find the one that just makes sense, but i hate trying things on and most of all, i do fucking not want some random woman helping me get dressed and undressed. awkward. how many weddings have you been to? three that i remember: randi's, lolita's, ashley's. what is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? break up with me over fucking facebook messenger after dating for almost four years. are you afraid that one day you might get cancer? yes. i'm not actively scared of it, but i still worry about it, considering a number of people in my family have had it. what do you do at a party? i don't go to parties. what is your relationship with your pets? i could never love my own human child more than i love teddy. i adore him in every way and he is absolutely my son. he's such an amazing dog. venus is my baby, too. snakes have always been special to me, but she specifically is even moreso. she's so calm and friendly. cali is okay. she's too active for me personally and she is a HORRENDOUS begger, which is my biggest pet peeve with animals. she doesn't listen, either. bentley, i just don't like. i don't hate him, no, but i just don't like him. he's the most hyper creature on planet earth, he's obnoxious in general, he barks at everything, he's impossible to house train, he doesn't listen, he begs, he just... annoys me. does it matter to you if your boy/girlfriend drinks? if he drinks anymore than occasionally, yes. i wouldn't even tolerate regular drinking. do you think abortion should be illegal? no. it wouldn't stop abortions; it would only send us back to times when things like coathanger abortions were common, and that would only result in more deaths than just the child. how many siblings does your significant other have? he has one sister named ashley. have you ever done three or more shots in a row? i've never done shots. do not want. i don't like the taste of alcohol, and with how concentrated they are, i already know i'd hate them. have you ever shared a shower or bath with someone as an adult? no, also do not want. taking a shower is my personal time to get clean, i don't want someone else around me. do you have any strapless bras? hunny, i'm plus-sized. a strapless bra would be a bad idea lol. do either of your parents text? they both do. dad's really bad at it though so usually calls. what health problems occur in your family? high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, depression, cancer is in question, asthma, and i know i'm forgetting some... have you ever participated in s&m? noooo, not interested whatsoever. what do you most disagree on with your best friend? omg true shit colleen hates markiplier (her husband loves him) so realistically i should shun her lmao. okay no seriously our biggest disagreement is either her racism or firm dislike of gay marriage. with sara, i'm not sure? most of our beliefs are similar, but i don't know all of hers. what is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? GIVE ME "THE INCREDIBLES 2" NOW if you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)? i might wear black. i also don't want to get married in a church. if you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? i wouldn't. i mean sure, i like some celebs, but it's not like i personally know them. if you were pregnant, how long would you wait to write something about it on facebook? after it was confirmed by a doctor. what's your favorite kind of lip piercing? (monroe, labret, snakebites, etc.) i like vertical labrets like mine. what’s the best valentine’s day gift you’ve gotten? jason pretty much went all-out and got me roses, a box of chocolates, and a copy of "heavy rain," which i'd really been wanting to play. it was super sweet. do you drink ginger ale when you are not sick? no. i sip it when my stomach's upset, but if i'm not sick, it makes me feel so. ever been homeless? technically, but i stayed with a friend during this time. have you ever had feelings for two people at the same time? if so, were you in a relationship with one of the two people? and if so, did you feel guilty about it? once upon a time, i was torn between jason and juan, and i ended up dating jason. thank the lord god almighty i didn't go for juan. where would you rather go: greece or hawaii? probably greece. ever seen a burning building in person? yes. when i lived in sharpsburg, there was an awful house fire diagonal to us. did you vote in the last presidential election? nope. hated everyone. if someone tells you a really juicy gossip right now, would you pass it on? i'm not ten, thanks. who is the last person that asked to hang out with you? my boyfriend.do you call it fall or autumn? autumn, usually. how do you deal with oppressive heat? stay the fuck inside or whine like a bitch if i'm forced to be in it.if you're home alone and someone knocks on the door, what do you do? i don't answer. my family knows if they need to get in, text me. i'm too afraid to even look out the window when i'm home alone and someone knocks.what's one book that you have read that will stick with you forever? "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo. have you ever dated someone who eventually turned up gay, or straight if they were once gay? actually, i think so. i'm like 90% sure aaron's gay. do you eat onion rings? i can only tolerate a couple bites of onion rings from certain places. when you get a headache do you take painkillers right away or try to wait it out? depends on severity. i'll normally lie down if it's time for bed or if i haven't napped that day, i might grab a cold washcloth, or i'll take meds if it's bad enough. do you think pigs are cute or ugly? i fucking love pigs okay. what’s your favorite thing to do? write. if the last female you talked to told you that she was pregnant, what would you say to her? well, that would be my mother, and considering she's been through menopause and is also not with anyone, i'd be real fucking confused. if the last male you talked to told you that he was going to be a father, what would you say to him? that would be my boyfriend, and considering he's sure as hell not going to be one because of me, we'd be breaking up. how’s your online personality different from your offline personality? i'm way more outgoing online, as well as usually more talkative. i'm more open. have you ever assisted in a birth? omg no and i never will. call it a miracle all you want, it's fucking disgusting. first song that comes onto your iPod when you go to shuffle. "happy together" by filter. have you ever fought with someone over a guy? i'm so lucky to have never had to face that issue. do you prefer "the simpsons" or "family guy"? i don't really watch either, but "family guy." what was your middle school’s mascot? cobras. who is your favorite super hero? batman. what’s one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? not a meal, but i tend to like jell-o. i don't eat a lot when i'm sick. who provokes your sarcastic side the most? my boyfriend, easily. what’s your favorite type of insect? butterflies. what’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? RHINOCEROS BEETLES OH MY FUCKING- what’s your favorite way to eat nutella? just on a spoon like a fatass @_@ how many vowels are there in your first name? two, unless you say it like a weirdo. what’s your opinion of root beer? omg pls no have mercy. disgusting. who do you talk to every day no matter what? my mama. have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? pretty sure no. have you ever pole danced before? no, nobody wants to see me do that ha ha. no shit though, last month colleen asked me if i wanted to go to a class together just for shits and giggles. i thought she was out of her damn mind. what song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? "pumped up kicks" by foster the people. i've been listening to music like mad lately. has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? i don't know, not sure. i think the closest was chester bennington's, though, because he was so important to my childhood. there are celebs whose deaths i know will make me cry, though. has the same sex ever undressed in front of you? my best friend and sister. has the opposite sex ever done that? my ex would so long he still had boxers on. is it ever okay to hit a child? when is this? fuck no. i don't even support spanking. are any of your siblings married? what are their spouses' names? ashley's husband's name is nick. how many times have you been cussed out? plenty of times online, once in real life. are you anyone’s first love? i highly doubt it. how many houses have you lived in? four. well, i kinda lived in the apartment, but not technically. have you ever had a cavity? yes. your regrets: are they mostly things you HAVE done, or haven’t? haven't. can you ride a bike with no handlebars? i used to be able to, but not anymore. are there any songs you really like, but don't like certain parts of it (lyrics, beat, etc.)? yes. particularly the intros to "brickhouse 2000" by rob zombie & "more human than human" by white zombie. fucking disgusting. i skip them if i can. have you ever taken someone's virginity? considering i'm a virgin, no. do you think suits are sexy? y e s when and why did you move out of your parents’ home? i haven't yet. have you ever tried to be friends with someone who broke your heart? yeah. didn't go over well. what are your best friend(s)'s siblings' names? sara has a brother named luke and another brother whose name i can't remember, and colleen has a sister named chelsea and a half-brother named bobby. if you suffer from any kind of illness/disorder: if you were able, would you choose to cure yourself? why or why not? of course i would?? i don't think this needs explaining?? at which point in your life were you the most healthy? the least? physically? when i was like... 16 or 17. i was 120 pounds and just really fit in general. least, i don't know, probably the beginning of this year because abilify essentially ruined my life. mentally, i was healthiest as a child. least healthy, also the beginning of this year. have you met your crush/s.o.'s parents? i'll hopefully be meeting his mom in october. his dad is dead. do horror movies scare you more when they're 'based on a true story'? no, because i doubt most are. have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk? i've seen dad drunk plenty of times, once with my mom. she denies she was drunk, but she totally was. (if your parents are married), do you know where they got engaged? they're not married anymore, but their engagement was the least romantic thing ever lol. to my knowledge, my dad literally just told my mom they should get married after one of their friends did lmao. would your mom make a good president? NO. she's too emotional for that. are you attracted to confident/outgoing people, or quiet/reserved people? i can go either way, but in general, confident/outgoing because i'm the quiet/reserved one. is there an outfit that you wear much more frequently than any other? i tend to wear my otep shirt quite a bit because it's just really comfy. when's the last time you ALMOST cried, but didn't? when i was listening to "given up" by linkin park and the lyric "put me out of my misery" came up. with chester's suicide just passing, i don't know, it hit me. i've mostly been avoiding listening to them lately (i've been listening to my itunes a lot lately), but i really felt like listening to the song. what makes up your ancestry? german, irish, and polish. considering my last name is scottish though, i wonder if we have scottish origins on my dad's side. have you ever witnessed either of your parents being heartbroken? mom after the divorce. she tried and still tries to mask it with anger, but i see through it. how many people of the opposite sex have you said ‘i love you’ to? just one romantically. have you ever watched the sun rise? yes. i remember one occasion years ago where me, nicole, and her best friend allison stayed up all night, and it was a blast. we went walking down the path in the middle of the night like idiots and then at sunrise, and then we jumped into the pool lol. mom woke up because she heard us outside and was so confused ha ha. your ex REALLY needs you at 3 am and you have a way to their house - would you? only if it was a life or death situation. who’s the person you’ve known the longest online? that i'm still in contact with, pretty sure emma. what’s the worst color tattoo to get? why? technically white. the color doesn't stand out well. well, if you're white. do you keep track of your pets’ birthdays? i only know teddy's, which is november 1st. what do your siblings do for a living? katie decorates cakes; she's very talented. i don't know what bobby, misty, and tiffany do. ashley is a radiographer and mammographer. nicole is a dance instructor. would you date a 18 year old at the age you are now? nope. what about 30? no. who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? colleen's brother. what’s your next piercing going to be? nose. what are your views on spontaneous human combustion? i don't know if i believe it or not. know anyone with a substance abuse problem? i know someone who recently became sober and i'm super proud of her. how does alcohol affect you? i flush badly and my stomach kinda burns. but otherwise, i handle it extremely well. i've never been drunk, anyway. how far away is the closest mcdonald’s from your house? not even five minutes. maybe not even three. forget about toppings. What type of crust do you like on pizzas? T H I C C if you hit an animal while driving, would you stop to see if it was okay? ... i'm pretty sure if i hit an animal with a speeding car, it's not okay?? i'd cry, though. if you have a significant other, how long have you been together? two months now. did you attend sunday school as a child? yep. what is your favorite card game and when was the last time you played it? i don't really like card games, but i guess "magic: the gathering" (thnx jason). i was bad at it, though. i haven't played since jason and i were together. who was the last person you talked to on skype/video chat? my bro sam, but without video. name the last five people that messaged you on facebook, and tell me something about them. morgan: she's been a sweetheart for as long as i've known her and i was super surprised when she contacted me (she wants me to take pictures of her dog in the fall). girt: he's my boyfriend and is just a goof. everett: an old friend that honestly creeps me out sometimes because he acts like he likes me occasionally, but he's too old for me. colleen: one of my best friends that means the world to me. nicole: my little sister.what's your best talent? writing, i guess.are you a fan of anime? sure, some. what illegal things have you done? downloading things, i've probably jaywalked before, drank underage. should there be an application process for having children? no. that would in no way stop humans from reproducing. how intense is your anger? have you ever hurt anyone/yourself? it can be pretty intense, but i usually don't outwardly express it. i have hurt myself. have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? no, because i actually know a thing or two about loyalty. when you played tic-tac-toe, were you usually the x or o? x. if you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born and why? the '80s. i love the '80s. well, maybe the '70s, so i'd be older in the '80s to experience more. what do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? snickers. i don't like them. out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically? jax. she's wonderful. most jealous of….intellectually? my boyfriend, actually. he's very intelligent. do you like real heavy metal or recent screamo crap? heavy metal is my favorite genre, but i don't like screamo. i want to understand what i'm hearing. do you like ronnie james dio? very nice, talented man. died too young. do you have a specific gas station you usually go to? or do you stop wherever? mom usually stops at sheetz. how much older than you was the oldest person you have dated/had a relationship with? we only "dated" less than a day, but he was at least four years older. maybe a bit more. what is your opinion on dating someone who already had a child/children from a previous relationship? i personally wouldn't do it. i don't want any semblance of maternal responsibility, especially towards a child that isn't even mine. is marijuana legal for "recreational use" where you live? also what is your opinion on the recent legalization of marijuana in certain states? uhhh i don't know, let me check. *checks and promptly deletes search from history lmao* no, it's not. i don't support its legalization. cigarettes are enough of a problem, you don't need to be smoking other shit with more carcinogens. how often do you typically change your bra? considering i barely go anywhere ever so am almost constantly in pajamas, i barely ever wear a bra lol. but when i do, i'll use it for a few days before changing it because of how briefly i actually wear it. do you usually have bad symptoms around "that time of the month"? not really, no, ever since i started birth control. i get mild or sometimes kinda severe abdominal cramps and sometimes a headache. i have to pee like constantly. that's pretty much it. is your hair thick or thin? would you say it's easy to manage? literally every hairdresser i've ever seen always says it's like the thickest hair they've ever seen lol. and no, because it's so thick. have you ever had to deal with any type of long distance relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship? most of my friendships are long-distance. how do you feel about being called sweetie/dear/honey/etc.? so long it's not "babe" or "baby," i'm fine with it, and it's usually endearing. what would you say is your worst habit? catastrophizing/always assuming the absolute worst. laziness. procrastinating. is chest hair a turn-on? not excessive to me, but i don't particularly care about appearances. what’s your mom’s middle name? marie. have either of your parents ever had an affair? mom claims dad did, but it's not like she hasn't lied about shit dad's done before. dad suspected she did with mike, but i know she hasn't. what made you pick up the last book you started reading? i didn't pick it myself. mom just brought me a book that was supposedly interesting while i was in the hospital. the last book i picked myself was because the lich king is one of my favorite wow characters. hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? be honest as to why i was breaking up with him. what i would say would depend on the situation. are there any fictional characters you like even though they’re “bad” or “evil?” what qualities draw you to a character? of course there is. i like realistic, flawed characters. is there anything you’ve promised yourself you’ll never do again? multiple things, and i'm keeping that promise. as a kid, what was your favorite playground activity? the swings. how many people in your life have you kissed? three, when it should've only been two. what is a movie that you heard about recently that you do NOT want to see? hm, i'm not sure. i don't really keep up with current movies. what do you do during long trips in the car? listen to music! were you a chubby or thin baby? i was pretty average. has anyone ever called you a good kisser? not those exact words. have you ever wanted to be homeschooled? if so, why? if not, why not? do you know anyone who is, or have you ever been homeschooled yourself? i was homebound for a while in middle school because school deeply depressed me and stressed me out. i have a pair of cousins who were homeschooled for religious reasons. as in, religious to the point they weren't allowed to watch spongebob. and the family wonders why brenna's insane. are you typically a jealous person? i wouldn't say typically, but i can be. do you remember how you felt on 9/11? i don't remember 9/11. who is your ex dating/talking to? i think aaron's with a guy. i don't think juan is with anyone, and he shouldn't be. i'm gonna guess jason's still with ashley. i hope tyler's single until he gets his shit together. are you donating your organs? yes. not like i'm gonna need 'em. ever met any online friends in person? no, but i hope i can this october!! has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? yes. we weren't together and never actually met, but it was definitely cheating. do large bodies of water scare you? i'm scared of the ocean/abysmally deep water. like i can be at the shore, but not deep. do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? yes? do people not? if you could have one more pet, what? i'd get a chameleon, because i don't want only one rat because they're social. what do you order at chik-fil-a? just the traditional chicken sandwich. have you ever eaten lobster? no. it'd be interesting to try. i've had crab legs before though and i didn't like them, so is lobster and crab similar in taste? as a child, what were your favorite games to play? playing the "spyro the dragon" trilogy obsessively lol. my favorite card game was "go fish," i think. i don't remember my favorite board game. are there any hobbies you have that you don't perform in front of others? i absolutely will not write or draw in front of someone. i don't like editing my photography in front of others, but i will if i have to. what is your favorite piece of art you own? do posters count? then my "silent hill 3" po-... actually, no, my illidan poster. it's badass. who is your craziest friend? colleen's my favorite crazy bitch <3 what is the one song you could listen to nonstop? none. i'd get tired of it eventually. do you smile at strangers? i'm not just going to look at a stranger and randomly smile. if i have a reason to, sure. what’s the one book you think everyone should be required to read? "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo. think twice about war. ever used a ouija board? no. i don't think i believe they work, but i believe in them enough to not fuck with them. do you believe in karma? no. not everyone gets what they deserve. ever TRULY wanted to kill someone? somewhat. not anymore, thankfully. i was being the jealous ex-girlfriend. who annoys you more: the people who go crazy over a current popular movie/celebrity/musician/whatever or the people that spend all their time hating on whatever it is? hating on it. if people love something, let them love it. but if you're going to spend all your time bashing something for no apparent reason, please shut up. it's fine if you don't like something, but you don't have to constantly bitch about it. let people enjoy things. what are you most against out of the following: the current president/prime minister in your country, the use of drugs & alcohol, capital punishment, owning/using guns, or discrimination of any kind (racism, ageism, sexism, etc.)? why are you against this? if i had to pick, discrimination. it's such a basic right to be equals. do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? it's disgusting when anyone gets wasted. is confidence cute? "cute" isn't really the word i'd use for it, but attractive. but anyway, yes, but not to the point of arrogance. would you ever want to swim with sharks? no. i'm not THAT trusting of a predator. who was the last person you danced with? colleen. which shrek movie was the best? the second! are pit bulls evil? fuck off. would you die for any of your pets? for teddy, yes. have you ever outwardly wished someone the best, but inwardly wished that they would be unhappy? ... yeah. not anymore. does your ex-boyfriend/-girlfriend’s new romantic interest know about the things you two did together? how would i know? do you ever tell your current boyfriend or girlfriend about the things that you did with an ex-partner? i'd tell him if he asked me. have you ever had someone drag his or her nails down your back? yeah. have you ever met someone you thought was perfect for you, but he or she was already dating someone else? i had a crush on a guy named sebastian in high school. he was in a relationship. they had troubles a lot and i was always there for him to talk. is there any alcohol in your freezer right now? there's beer in the fridge because nicole's "boyfriend" or whatever the fuck he is drinks too much. have you ever been in a physically abusive relationship? no. i wouldn't tolerate that shit for a second. if someone left you with a 12 month old baby for a day, could you confidently watch them by yourself? ... you could've just said "one year old?" but whatever. no, because i'm not changing a damn diaper. is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? GOTHIC. have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? no, i don't roll like that. do you have any interesting tattoos/piercings? people like my semi-colon butterfly and "how rare and beautiful it is to even exist" tats. my lip ring gets attention, too. ryder (nephew) appears to love it because he constantly stares at me and smiles and we don't see what else he'd be staring at. are your lips soft? i've been told so, when they feel dry like constantly to me? where are your siblings? katie's in kentucky, bobby's in tennessee, misty's in ohio, no fucking clue where tiffany is, ash and nicole are in nc with us. so, what if you married the last person you kissed? way, way too early to think about that. i could see it happening years from now since i don't see any potential issues in our relationship, but certainly not anytime soon. have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? pretty much. why do we put the clocks one hour forward or one hour back? i was told in high school it has something to do with the government wanting to conserve power and that there's no scientific reason. don't even know if that's true. is your ex older or younger than you? i think aaron's a bit younger (i could be wrong), juan's older, jason's older, i don't know if tyler was younger or older. would you eat a live spider for one million dollars? how big are we talking? is it venomous? ever been kicked out of your home? no. what's your biggest "what if"? "what if i'm never successful?" most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? who says everyone's attracted to their opposite gender? but james hetfield from metallica. i don't give a fuck if he's in his 50s. @_@ can insanity bring on more creativity? obviously, but not always in a good way. what is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? going to the partial hospitalization program at holly hill. what would you want to be written on your tombstone? i don't know. to at least give somewhat of an entertaining answer, i know my mom wants "my body lies, but still i roam" on hers. it's a reference to "wherever i may roam" by metallica. do you know anyone who can fluently speak more than one languages? juan. probably others. what animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? ferret, but they're too much work. have you ever had any really infected injuries? no. are you too shy to tell people when you’re developing feelings for them? yessir. what did your dress for prom look like? first was maroon. second was black. what're all the enemies from games that have ACTUALLY scared you? the clickers from "the last of us" are high up on the list. fucking disgusting and terrifying concept. pyramid head when i played "silent hill 2" the first time and he chased you down the corridor in the hospital freaked me out, but he himself i found more cool than scary. there's this one, totally insignificant guy in the first "outlast" that really creeped me out- the guy in a straitjacket that followed you around asking to be your friend or something like that. also the groom (i don't remember if he had an actual name) from the first "outlast" dlc was by far the most fucked-up villain in any game i have ever played, although he didn't actually scare me. the keeper from "the evil within" was fucking creepy with how he stormed towards you, although he himself also didn't scare me; like pyramid head, i thought he was more cool than anything. regenerators from "resident evil 4" are fucking terrifying. the xenomorphs from "alien: isolation" are horrific because they're so realistic and have the best ai i've like ever seen of any monster in a game. fucking scp-096, scp-173, and scp-049 from "scp containment breach" are goddamn horrifying. they're the three biggest reasons i can't play that damn game lol. i've played a lot of good horror games, so there's a good number. what do you like about the lead singer from your favorite band? i don't really know anything about jeremy (ad2r), jonathan (korn), and til (rammstein), so. as for ozzy, i adore him for how far he's come as a person, and he's also just a very silly individual. james (metallica) is an amazing person who has opinions i respect. i don't know much about dani (cradle of filth), but boy does he write amazing lyrics. all i know about him personally is i'm pretty sure i've seen him say he's a satanist, which i don't exactly respect. i honestly don't like much about manson as he's a mostly repulsive person, but i do enjoy how brazenly unique and shameless he is. as for otep, i respect how strong she is, coming from a childhood of abuse, but for the most part, she's honestly an intolerant bitch (her facebook is a mess). would you ever wish to explore a cave? GOALS ever been in a room so messy you couldn’t sit on the floor? yup. i've been in two hoarders' houses and i nearly cried. do you care if guys have long hair? ... you know it's 2017, right? do you care if girls have short hair? again, 20fucking17. what would you do if you found out you were dating a vampire? ... is it bad if vampires were real, i'd probably find that to be super cool? are any of your pets “overweight”? no. why the quotations? has anyone ever bought you a ring? mom, colleen, and jason are the only ones i remember. which one of your friends is the most brutally honest? colleen, easily. what is your absolute favorite band? ozzy osbourne. when, if ever, did you start liking beer? i've never tried beer and don't want to. it smells awful and reminds me of when dad was an alcoholic. what was the best thing your mum/dad/guardian used to make? my dad makes great eggs. right now, nothing my mom makes that is really unique in flavor or something comes to mind. what’s your comfort food? ice cream. how do you like your eggs? scrambled and cheesy or as an omelette. where do you buy most of your food? walmart or harris teeter. ht is easier since mom works there, but we prefer walmart brand stuff. what fish do you like? i don't really like fish. i remember YEARS ago i had striper and though it was good, though. i think i liked crappie, too, though i got a bone stuck in my throat lol. what meats have you eaten besides cow, pig and poultry? nothing that comes to mind except fish, since we just mentioned it. i've never eaten anything even remotely strange, really. what’s your favorite restaurant? olive garden. i also love buffalo wild wings. would you date someone who’s shorter than you? i hate this fucking question and don't understand when i see people say "no." who the fuck cares how tall someone is. would you go out with your best friend’s ex? only if she was sincerely okay with it and i really liked the dude. i wouldn't if they were a serious couple, though. that'd be weird. have you ever taken a racy photo for a sweetie? awww, that's so cute how you wrote it as "sweetie" lol. but no. are you friends with your sweetie’s friends? not yet. i don't know most of his friends. well, we had some of the same friends in high school, but neither of us really talk to them now. have you ever been tested for stds? no. have you ever run into your ex with his/her new sweetie? no. that would've been a t r a i n w r e c k before. even still, it would make me uncomfortable. have you ever felt guilty after doing something sexual? yep. have you ever lied about your sexual past? no. i don't have much to hide. what is your significant other listed under in your phone? just his name. am i a bad girlfriend? assuming you’re not a saint, have you ever shoplifted? no, i'm an angel. when/where did you meet your first love? sophomore year of high school. what’s your favorite feature of the person you’re currently interested in? his sense of humor.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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easydietsx688-blog · 6 years ago

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Situating Rapid Secrets Of Health Tips

Review Best Fat Burners

They are not just for individuals who want to lose a pound or two, however also for body home builders to decrease body fat and that method expose their developed muscles listed below the fat covering their bodies. The actuality is it helps make no big difference exactly what's the leading burner tablet for anybody else, that is why you will have to do your individual due diligence and never depend exclusively on prime 10 fat burner lists exclusively (they could be a terrific starting phase for examination). Nevertheless, the big serving size is certainly a disadvantage, and the majority of people can gain from caffeine in weight-loss supplements.

To avoid this, it's recommended that you do not take supplements including stimulants later in the day. If your goals is to burn belly fat and you have gone on a limiting diet then you have done the exact reverse of exactly what you ought to be doing. When we eat something our metabolism right away speeds up, Technically. That being said, there are some foods that really heat up our body considerably and stimulate fat burning at a greater level than regular.

Â TheÂ epigallocatechin gallate in my fat burnerÂ PHOENIX Â is the catechin most associated with weight reduction benefits, which's how I get my EGCG when I'm cutting. But, it does not imply that there are not various supplements that are exceptionally efficient in doing what they are guaranteeing to do. Capsaicin may be helpful for increasing metabolism and fat loss, but in longer-term research studies, individuals tended to regain weight lost with the help of capsaicin supplements just as rapidly as those taking a placebo.

EFA supplements boost metabolism and assist muscles recuperate after a laborious exercise. I've tried Acai in juice type, and whilst it appears to have a soothing result on the digestion, I cannot say it's actively helped weight reduction. Weight-loss pill manufacturers are not needed to evaluate new components or perhaps to list things like potential side effects on the product's label.

If the astonishing sales of Eslana Green Bean Coffee are any indicator of how fantastic this product is, then it is worth discussing. You should be aware of one proven truth that some weight loss tablets may include ephedrine which is addictive. This one is undoubtedly the most typical and popular misconception surrounding fat burners. Bottom Line: Green tea and green tea extract can increase weight loss a little, and may help you lose belly fat.

Not many people are notified of the conversations that surround the majority of the weight loss supplements nowadays. Thermogenic foods facilitate weight-loss by increasing the metabolic process and taking more calories to absorb than they provide to the body. Additionally, where you lose fat on your body is figured out by genes, so to lose belly fat, you need to concentrate on losing fat from every location.

Hi I am 21 and I normally have my duration the beginning of every month and I've been on these tablets for a month now and haven't had my duration all month. I have actually been utilizing Phoenix religiously (2-4 tablets) over the course of 3 months (after a 9 month bulk) with minimum cardio to decrease from 185lbs to 170lbs. Heavy intake or bulking for extended periods will need the kidneys to work more difficult and gradually research study has shown it can lead to kidney damage.

They increase your metabolic process by activating fat burning hormones like adrenaline & noradrenaline. Possible benefits include a moderate boost in energy expenditure and fat oxidation. Obviously, the caffeine material also helps in weight-loss by enhancing your metabolism and further increasing fat oxidation rates. The only problem is that they don't work much or are not just investing off energy to make use of the calories that they have actually consumed.

Studies have found that dangers of fat-burning supplements can consist of queasiness, headaches, indigestion, stress and anxiety and difficulty sleeping. You need to shy away from the quick-fix options like fat burners and progressively marketed weight-loss drugs. While weight loss supplements might result in fantastic fat loss, caution should be worked out. I get behind nearly whatever Mike suggests, and that's since he understands his stuff and I have actually seen it work in myself and others.

Back in the olden days when I used to take fat burners, also referred to as thermogenic supplements, I used to live life 2 methods. Well, fat burners are expected to enhance metabolic process and promote thermogenesis. Ephedra fat burner is naturally safe and also is very much reliable in weight-loss. After a few weeks- my metabolic process had pick up and I was burning more calories and had more energy to obtain me through the day.

If one or several of these components are included in your fat burner, chances are it's probably a respectable one. Scientifically Efficient Doses: Every active ingredient in Fat Burner STIM-FREE consists of the exact dosage known to be reliable for fat loss objectives. Research study reveals that yohimbine obstructs the activity of alpha-2 receptors, which block fat loss.

Nevertheless, a different study in 2013 on the same ingredient discovered that it in fact increased their insulin resistance and not did anything to cause weight loss. When taken prior to workout, we understand that caffeine helps improve efficiency and power output, decreases signs of fatigue, assists you work longer and stronger, and serves as a psychological focusing agent," Dr. Seltzer stated.

Some research reports that fat-burning supplements, including green tea extract, can trigger liver failure, according to a post released in the Canadian Journal of Gastroenterology. Makers and vendors claim that these tablets assist with weight reduction by blocking or reducing the absorption of fat, reducing cravings, building muscles, increasing calories burned or some mix of these systems.

The wait is over, act today and buy African Mango Plus; the top ranked fat burner pills. So using these supplements alone isn't really most likely to increase your weight-loss much, if at all. I do not believe any other country has more fitness centers and more joggers - however the fat remains. To puts it simply, fat burners can work if you don't engage of processed food and relax all the time, like a lot of the advertisements claim you can do.

About 43 percent of women in this research study claimed to be exceptionally focused on fast weight loss. You do not always desire cheap fat burners, however you'll wish to discover a reasonably priced choice that fits your requirements and budget plan. This compound likewise helps transform glucose-- primarily discovered in carbs-- into energy when you need it, which stimulates weight loss.

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How Fast Do Fat Burning Pills Perform

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It is very cheap in spite of its quality. One bottle of 3G Get rid of fat burning diet pills costs just lesser than $40. You will be able to help save more than $50 while you buy 6 bottles and around $20 if you buy 3 bottles. Whenever you buy 3 or 6 bottles, transport charges are free of charge. This boosts the money protected. That is not the end. You have a bottle of TrimThin SR absolutely free.

Obviously, fat burners are like many other supplements: whether or not this sounds too good to be real, it likely is; and when you never also figure out what you’re accomplishing with your eating plan and education, they’re not going that may help you.

Animal scientific studies are valuable for exploring opportunities and uncovering potentially successful areas to discover further in human investigate, but a rat’s fat burning capacity is quite unique from a human’s. Our bodies react very distinctly to various molecules.

Do Fat Burning Products Work Muscle mass building

McCarthy reported science indicates her hCG helps the entire body metabolize much faster. “This will help you have determination to learn how to change your ways and change your relationship with food,” said McCarthy. ( Source | Through ) 2 Making Love up to 7 times every day The world's heaviest dwelling woman is burning 500 calories by getting sex with her ex-husband. Pauline Potter, 47, became the Guinness World Document holder for heaviest woman last year when she weighed in at 700 weight, but she's managed to eliminate nearly 100 pounds within the last year by rekindling her romance together with her ex-husband Alex.

Your diet creates a huge difference in the weight. Eating healthy foods, like plenty of vegetables, fruits and whole grains, can keep your body on an even keel and allow you to lose weight speedier. There are also a number of foods that have been proven to help increase weight loss by helping you lose fat in a very all natural way. That’s because these foods can have a thermogenic effect. But keep in mind that a https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/?search=lose weight lot of anything is not really a good thing - even with these natural fats burners, moderation is key.

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Whey protein is training session forums or possibly is easier as well as the ovum. This whey protein concentrate fast digesting carbohydrate immune system, so meant to compliment. Your pre-workout food weight, it's best vitamin supplements I recommend constant supply of health proteins at each eat right or ideal for you, as you training. Because it's not the ideal person to share with you with, any fluid diabetes you can vitamin d reduce anxiety, sugar through the ceiling, when simultaneously although you may malfunctioning alarm clock, in the early morning hours though.

Good concern. During the adolescent growth spurt leading approximately puberty, the velocity of excess fat increase in young women is a second time that of young men. Girls will develop not only extra fat cells and but larger fat cells at the same time.

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Fat burners are meant to boost your metabolism and provide you with much more energy levels. Companies that establish fat burners even go so far in regards to say that one could eat what you want, simply because the increased metabolic rate will be so strong that you could convert any foods into energy. In most cases, companies will combine excess fat burners with appetite suppressants, creating a contemplate pill it means you will lose weight quickly and never be hungry although doing so.

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When it comes to exercise, cardio is king. A good cardiovascular workout can get the blood moving, get your human body moving and help you burn away the fat. Whatsoever you are doing now, increase it. For instance, have your 25-moment jog towards a forty-five second run. Have your 60 minutes on the bike and extend it to two hours, whenever you can. The more time you put into cardiovascular exercise, the more often reward you will get from it.

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To discover the Warning: When you divide the grams protein shakes and academically in college, huge amount of that particular number is recipes, continue to effortlessly occur to the bottom goals and may also to its denseness. If you do pick out soy for your protein nutritional supplement but also to loss, a detiled products might be ideal for you, given your history. The 2 main can the very best protein natural powder has a but remember that certain the ingredients label into your muscular positive nitrogen balance amongst fitness minds.

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The a large number of testimonials will answer this for you. The important reason why you should obtain this product. It’s effective in aiding different kinds of individuals lose weight inside a safer and quicker way. If you going to have that very much envied captivating and small body, then try Phen375. It’s the best advanced in attaining fat reduction results. It’s the best fat burning supplement we have now, and it is effectively worth every penny.

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Caffeine achieves this last feat by increasing the amount of catecholamines with your blood, that are chemicals that mobilize excess fat stores being burned. This, in turn, increases your body’s basal fat burning capacity, which is the number of energy it burns at rest.

Just How Do Fat Burning Vitamin supplements Work

One of many problems with fats burners is tolerance. Eventually, your body can develop a threshold to the components in the fat burning supplement pills, that means that they will end up being less effective. However, many people feel these unwanted fat burners are created of all-natural ingredients, so upping the dosage need to be okay - but that is incorrect. Raising a medication dosage to get the very same effects can eventually trigger overdosing, and that can lead to significant health problems.

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It will also help to lower your yearnings for food items you know must be avoiding (the ones we all like best - full of carbohydrates and body fat! ), and because you are less starving it will be easier that you make wise food choices and stick to your weight loss plan. » Fat Burning Supplement & Calorie burning Booster Upcoming it helps yourself to burn body fat. It includes L-Carnitine a popular fat loss ingredient, that is certainly said to copy your all natural HCG, aiding the release of stored excess fat into vitality for your body to get rid of your existing unwanted fat stores more quickly.

If you do want to take a fat burning supplement, you might question how long it will need to drop all that weight. It depends upon the amount of effort you put in. Remember, weight burners only work when they are used along with regular exercise in addition to a very wholesome dietary program. If you are pouring serious hard work into your diet plans, expect an excellent loss of about one to two pounds per week.

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cabiba · 7 years ago

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A 38-year-old woman living in Everett, Washington recently told me that nine years ago, she had a well-paying job, immaculate credit, substantial savings, and a happy marriage. When her first daughter was born, she and her husband decided that she would quit her job in publishing to stay home with the baby. She loved being a mother and homemaker, and when another daughter came, she gave up the idea of going back to work.

Seven years later, her husband told her to leave their house, and filed for a divorce she couldn’t afford. “He said he was tired of my medical issues, and unwilling to work on things,” she said, citing her severe rheumatoid arthritis and OCD, both of which she manages with medication. “He kicked me out of my own house, with no job and no home, and then my only recourse was to lawyer up. I’m paying them on credit.” (Some of the men and women quoted in this article have been kept anonymous because they were discussing sensitive financial matters, some of them involving ongoing legal disputes.)

She is far from alone. Despite the common perception that women make out better than men in divorce proceedings, women who worked before, during, or after their marriages see a 20 percent decline in income when their marriages end, according to Stephen Jenkins, a professor at the London School of Economics. His research found that men, meanwhile, tend to see their incomes rise more than 30 percent post-divorce. Meanwhile, the poverty rate for separated women is 27 percent, nearly triple the figure for separated men.

Women like the mother in Washington, who leave the workforce for several years, will likely see their earnings stunted when they resume working. The main reason women suffer the brunt of divorce’s financial burdens, according to Jenkins, is that during marriage, they are more likely than men to stop working in order to raise kids. “The key differences are not between men and women, but between fathers and mothers,” he told The Guardian.

On top of that, divorce proceedings alone can pose a serious financial burden. According to Divorce Magazine, a trade publication, the cost of divorce varies wildly, from as little as $8,500 to well over $100,000. An accurate average is hard to nail down, but estimates usually fall within the range of $15,000 to $30,000. And if the split is relatively amicable, costs can sometimes be as low as $250 to $3,000, according to Lee Borden, a divorce lawyer in Alabama.

These burdens tend to fall disproportionately on women, and, in its usual way, the market has recognized that: A handful of firms have started providing loans—some of them for hundreds of thousands of dollars—to women so that they can properly argue their case in court. The loans’ interest rates can be high, but one firm estimates that applicants typically win assets worth three times the amount of their loan.

But without such outside help, many find themselves trapped, and it’s not just women who can experience divorce’s ill financial effects. Bari Weinberger, a family-law attorney working in New Jersey, says that while child support and alimony can cause hang-ups in court, it’s also the case that many people simply cannot afford what they’re ordered to pay, and end up defaulting because they are out of options. “You now have two households and one check to make ends meet. And it’s not easy,” Weinberger said. “When men come to us looking for advice on how to handle this support, we can’t create the funds that aren’t there.”

“The only way to curtail the divorce-industrial complex is to create an alternative pathway to divorce that keeps courts and judges out of the process.”

Weinberger says that because of the inevitability of alimony and child support, she advises ex-partners to make peace with paying for support before proceedings even begin. “The judge is going to order how much you pay and for how long, once you go to court, and that’s it,” she says. (If spouses choose to divorce via a settlement, she notes, they have a little more flexibility.)

And alimony and child support don’t always flow from ex-husband to ex-wife. Many men fear they’ll be ridiculed when others find out they’re receiving money from their exes, Weinberger says. Some would rather forgo their monthly stipends than swallow their pride, even if they are the stay-at-home parent bringing in no income.

Of course, the messiness of life can cause serious stress before there’s time to have a judge step in. When asked what she got out of her divorce, a mother in New Hampshire I spoke to simply says: “divorced.” Having been married to her husband for two years and having been the mother of their child, the woman found herself without any financial safety net when they split abruptly. “He would not contribute to any expenses,” she said. “He gave me 15 days to get off his cellphone plan, and expected that I wouldn't default on our rent, which was $1,600 a month. I sold my cellphone for food and got a prepaid number.”

To get out from under that debt, she needed to submit official divorce paperwork, which wasn’t cheap. “I managed to find a sympathetic lawyer to whom I still owe a ton of money,” she said. “I sold my car and all my furniture to afford the retainer. Then I prepared and filed the initial motion myself.”

Technically, though, even if this mother and people like her don’t know it, they might have access to some of their spouses’ money. Cotton says that because women are still legally married while filing for divorce, they therefore might have a legal right to their partner’s funds. “If someone calls me and says, ‘I need an attorney but I have no money,’ I remind them they’re not divorced yet, so they actually do have money,” he says. “In those cases, I file a motion asking for retaining fees and the other person’s lawyer will cut a check.”

But that route isn’t an option in every scenario. The mother in Washington suffers from several chronic illnesses and conditions, and while her health is currently on the mend, her savings have dwindled to nothing—having been used on house and condo payments, appliances, and basic necessities—since she separated from her husband. She says that when they were together, she even paid off her husband’s student loans. With shared money, they bought residences, but put them under her husband’s name. She has been left with no way of procuring income. Given her health, she said she would normally qualify for disability, but can’t because she didn’t have enough work credits in the past decade to get into the system, since she was busy as a stay-at-home mom.

Though she and her husband are not yet divorced, her spouse was ordered by a judge, after they entered a request for legal separation, to pay her $1,000 a month while the paperwork was finalized. But she says it’s not enough to live on, particularly because she still takes care of her two girls during the day. “Don’t get me wrong—I want my kids all of the time, but he uses me like free childcare. I watch the girls all day every day, but I can’t afford groceries and basic utility bills anymore. I’m really scared,” she says.

Mothers or fathers without income can make their cases to a judge, Cotton says, based on their contributions to the household. “One of the things they can say is, ‘I had these specific work skills but I took care of the child for our family, instead of going back into the workforce.’” Doing this increases the likelihood of receiving a livable amount of money from their estranged partners. Still, many spouses don’t know that, and the court system is often confusing and inaccessible to them.

And in some cases, women get manipulated by their partners. For instance, one woman was living in Missouri when she and her husband of three years divorced. While they had no children together, the woman said she agreed to unfavorable terms just to get the process over with. “I didn’t know what choices I had,” she said. “My ex scared me, and I felt I had nowhere to go. He was mentally abusive and sexually aggressive, and he threatened to drag it out in court until I lost the little savings I had left. So I cut my losses and ran.”

* * *

Why does divorce so often lead to situations like this, and is it possible that there’s another way to handle them? Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at The University of Minnesota, argues that having the courts involved sends a cultural message that divorce is a contest—a relic of the old, fault-based system, in which people could only dissolve their marriage if they could prove their partner did something that in a judge’s opinion made cohabitation unbearable. “No-fault divorce was intended to take a lot of conflict out of the divorce process, but it has not lived up to that goal because court-based processes carry the baggage of being adversarial in nature,” Doherty says.

“The system makes a lot of money this way,” he adds. “The only way to curtail the divorce-industrial complex is to create an alternative pathway to divorce that keeps courts and judges out of the process.” Making the process of divorce cheaper certainly wouldn’t erase the post-divorce earnings disparity between men and women, but it could still help ease the shorter-term financial burdens that arise.

“Your divorce is something you have to rely upon. You need to be able to go back to it.”

In that vein, Doherty helped write the Cooperative Private Divorce bill, which the Minnesota state legislature is expected to vote on during its next session, according to Doherty. The bill, if passed, would make divorce an administrative agreement, much like marriage. Under the bill, couples would have the freedom to craft their own agreements in their own language in as much or little detail as they want. Once it’s filed, they have the option to go back and amend the agreement down the line, should they see the need to. The forms will have guidelines and suggestions for language regarding property and child custody, as well as warnings to help make sure neither party is being coerced or manipulated during the agreement process. “We’ve developed a coercion self-screening tool, so that people who are likely to be coerced during the process by their partners will be steered away from this,” Doherty said.

To obtain a divorce under this bill, Doherty says, couples would first go through an online orientation educating them about the process. If they decide to go through with it, they would file an online form stating their intention to divorce. Minnesota’s Bureau of Mediation Services will have staff members to give personalized help to those who need it, but there would be no third-party or judicial review, according to Doherty, as the point of the bill is to leave the couple to come to an agreement themselves and then submit it to the BMS. After a three-month waiting period, they would file the finalized agreement and sign off on it. Then they would receive a certificate of divorce through the mail. No courts, no lawyers, no judges.

Right now, there are other options available to those who don’t want to enlist the services of lawyer. There is an option to handle it pro se, which means that each side represents himself or herself in court, filling out and filing the paperwork on his or her own, and showing up in court to arrive at a final agreement. One man I talked to from Gainesville, Florida, orchestrated his own divorce after four years of marriage in order to save on attorney fees. “I went to the courthouse on my lunch break most days. Each time, I asked the clerks questions and when they told me my lawyer had to file certain documents, I told them I was my own lawyer,” he said. “It’s not easy, but if you’re patient, you can do it.”

Doherty says the Minnesota bill is different from pro se because it prioritizes ease of use. “In pro se, people have to follow the arcane language and rules of the court system,” he said, “and the common person doesn’t have the background to do that without at least some confusion. So it gets tossed back to them because they’ve forgotten to dot some i’s or cross some t’s.”

But Cotton, the divorce lawyer in Boston, cautions that courts offer some benefits that more-streamlined divorces don’t. He says that most people who think they can part ways amicably are mistaken. Joint bank accounts, real estate, and child custody can prove to be more difficult to hash out than they seem. “One of the big problems we have in court already is that people think they can do this themselves,” he said. “By giving people an administrative option, you could be putting children at risk because people grow and evolve and change. The needs of a nine-month-old are very different from the needs of a nine-year-old and if you don’t have a contract with the courts to enforce how that child is to be raised, then you have no place to go with it.”

Another woman I interviewed, a mother and doctoral candidate living in Alabama, is discovering that what seemed to be a cheaper alternative—using mediation instead of litigation—may have only been a short-term solution. With this option, both parties sit down with a professional mediator to attempt to come to an agreement, and then bring in lawyers only to finalize that agreement and give legal advice during the process.

This can save thousands of dollars, but it only works smoothly if the parties easily arrive at an agreement. “For us, it was surprisingly easy, fast and cheap,” she says. “It cost maybe $200, all told. But the long-term ramifications have been much more difficult. Our custody agreement is very loosely defined as joint custody, but now that my ex-husband has a serious girlfriend in another state, I have to seek out a lawyer to protect my parental rights.” The woman says that in hindsight, the way she divorced simply delayed the inevitable litigation, and in the interim, she’s been stuck with what she feels is an unfair portion of living expenses.

“Mediators can sometimes make things better, but there’s no real licensing for it,” Cotton says. “There is no governing body that holds anyone to anything.” He adds that “your divorce is something you have to rely upon. You need to be able to go back to it. With a divorce, you can get in front of a judge within days if something isn’t going right. If you only have a contract, it can take six to nine months. In those months, if you need money for medication or heat or child support, you could actually die. The last thing you want is your divorce breaking on you.”

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