#teasing a girl on the bus would cure my depression

[notkitten]

i want to have her in my lap on the bus, "saving space" as i trace my fingers over her thighs and whisper all of the filthy ways i want to unravel her against her flushed throat

[sohin-ace]

Abdul - Crowd

This is cross-posted from Wattpad and available on AO3.

Enjoy~

"EGGS! GET SOME OF MY EGGS, THE CHEAPEST IN CAIRO! YOU WILL REGRET NOT BUYING MY EGGS!"

"WATERMELONS! WHO WANTS WATERMELONS? JUICY AND SWEET, FRESH FROM TUNIS! DON'T MISS THIS CHANCE!"

"MARHABA, MARHABA!"

"COME GET YOUR MARINATED OLIVES! THERE YOU GO MA'AM, BARAKA ALLAHU FIK!"

"TURMERIC, PEPPER, CINNAMON, RAS AL HANOUT, YOU NAME IT, I HAVE EVERY SPICE!"

Chants and calls from everywhere echoed in the marketplace. Merchants preaching the quality of their products and hollering their prices with booming voices bouncing accross the streets, people bargaining and negociating back, left and right, children running around and laughing.

This was one of the many charms of the middle eastern culture, the zouks and markets, teenagers making music with scratch-made percussions, Sahrawi people selling their minty infusions to whoever needed a tea break.

Tourists and locals alike enjoyed the joyful, feisty ambiance of the town square that was so emblematic of the country.

The morning sun was literally baking you where you stood as different smells hit you every few meters. Oranges and lemons to your left, kebab meat to your right, turn around and the earthy scent of clay pots hit you, go back and be met with the honey smell of freshly cooked Zlabia.

You loved and hated the market at the same time. The explosion of flavours and colors and the livelihood of it could really cure any depression, but the bustling streets, the pushing around of people and loud noises really put you on edge sometimes and it got tiring really quick.

You walked through the crowd of people, basket balanced in one hand as you continued on your grocery shopping spree, stopping at some stalls occasionally or dismissing others who wanted your catch your attention.

"Thank you for your purchase, ya benti! Here ya go sweetie, I added one extra apple for those cute cheeks of yours!" The old seller smiled brightly as he gave you a bag generously filled with fruits and you chuckled.

"Thank you so much!" You waved at him as you walked off. "Tell your wife I said hi!"

You strolled a little bit longer, until you realized how bad your feet started to hurt. There was nowhere to sit down around here to your dismay and you'd have to walk even more to get back to the bus stop where you came from.

People gathered more and more with each step you took and you struggled to advance further. You gripped your basket tighter against you as you pushed through the thick crowd.

That was it. That was the thing that you hated the most.

It was becoming harder and harder to even breathe, and the hot air was getting heavier by the second. It didn't help that the day was getting even warmer as noon approached, too.

You wiped your sweaty brow with your sleeve and panted heavily as you felt stuck between the sea of people. But as you thought the crowd had ceased moving and blocked you, you felt a pair of huge hands grabbing your shoulders, making you flinch.

'What the hell? Who is this?' You thought to yourself as panick washed over you. Surely it was just some man who mistook you for his sister or whatever, right?

Before you could even turn around to look at him, the male pushed his weight against you, forcing your way through the crowd with his own body.

Your heart pounded in your chest. Oh God, who was this man and why was he holding you so close so suddenly?

You could feel his hard chest against your back, surely this guy was extremely tall and probably towering over the mass of people, which made it even easier for him to get you through it.

When you finally got away from the crowd, you didn't waste any time running off, shrugging the man's hands off of your shoulders and gasping the fresh air that hit your face. It felt so good to finally breathe and have some personal space.

You turned around, not without wariness to catch a glimpse at whoever just 'saved' you from nearly having a panick attack in the middle of everyone.

Your whole expression brightened as you were met with the handsome face of none other than your favourite man on Earth, smiling down at you with a hint of mischief in his eyes.

"Muhammad!" You gasped in pleasant surprise and relief as he approached you. You instantly ran in his big warm arms, wrapping your own around his waist. "I missed you!"

"Hello Y/N. Did I scare you?" He smirked as he reciprocated the embrace and you glared up at him, making him smile even wider. "Come on, let's go somewhere else, there's too many people here."

He took your basket and grabbed your hand in his much bigger one, swiftly leading you away from the bustling marketplace, passing by narrrow streets and shortcuts that he knew like the back of his hand.

You didn't realise how loud the place was until you were out of it. You couldn't hide your tiny smile as the male snatched you away from the evil anxiety-inducing crowd, his fierce warm grip not letting go anytime soon.

Abdul had brought you to one of his favourite places in the city. It was empty, peaceful and you had a nice view of the Nile from here.

You relished in the quietness of it all as he sat down and patted the spot next to him, inviting you. You followed suit before fixing the shawl over your head.

"Ah, thank you for saving me." You sighed and his deep voice rumbled in a chuckle as you looked back at him.

"... Again." He laughed and you nudged him playfully. He was such in a teasing mood today. "It's always a pleasure to save my princess."

Your heart skipped a beat and you looked down, your face warming up. He knew you weren't immune to him calling you pet names.

"You can't just come and grab people in the crowd like that, Muhammad. It's creepy."

"Oh don't worry, I don't just grab people, I just grab you." He confidently assured you. "You're just so small and helpless, I can't help it."

You scoffed at him and pouted. It was not your fault he was so damn huge. He gently patted your back in a silent apology and you subconsciously relaxed. His touch was always soft and loving, you were at ease.

You opened your basket and took out a single date from the bundle that you bought earlier. You offered it for him to eat but he shook his head.

"Ladies first."

You shrugged and popped the fruit into your mouth, leaving the box open for him to serve himself whenever.

You hummed in content as you put the seed aside, satisfied with your good-tasting purchase. "It's really sweet!"

"Really? Can I have a taste?"

Thinking nothing of it, you nodded and grabbed another one for your lover, but before you could even give it to him, he leaned down towards you and caught your lips in a chaste, warm kiss that made you drop the date in your hand.

"Hmm..." He purred against your lips before leaning away, looking innocently at the horizon with a handsome grin. "That's right, it's really sweet. I should buy some as well!"

He laughed to himself as you were frozen in place, barely registering the feeling of his lips against your own, or how his warm breath had hit your now burning face.

"What's wrong Y/N, you look a bit distraught?" He smirked, his deep voice teasing. Oh he knew what he was doing, that sweet bastard.

You gasped and slapped his arm. "H-how dare you!"

He laughed again at your reaction and his adorable laugh sounded like music to your ears, your heart couldn't stop aching in your chest, swelling with sheer love.

"What?" He swiftly grabbed your wrist before you could slap him again and leaned down dangerously close. "Can't I sneak a kiss to my habiba?"

He leaned in closer to your face and your breath hitched visibly as you tensed up, shaking under his assertiveness.

"Why so shy? No one's here." He breathed out and his husky voice made you lightheaded. It was hard to not melt like warm chocolate when he spoke like that.

He reached out to gently hold your face as he nuzzled against your jawline, taking in your delicate scent. You closed your eyes and clutched at his clothes as his other hand released your wrist to glide up your arm, his touch sending shivers down your spine, before he eventually let it rest against your back, holding you even closer.

You let him roam his lips from your jawline to your neck and you didn't hide your shudder from him as he smiled against your skin.

"A-ah..."

"So sensitive... I won't tease you, that's just cruel." He chuckled and pulled away just slightly to meet the most adorable blushing face and glossy eyes he had ever seen.

"My father is going to kill you."

The male flinched at the words. Oh no, if there was anything scarier than losing you in this world, it was the wrath of your father. And God knows how terrifying your father could be when someone touched his little girl.

Abdul hastily moved your shawl to check up on your neck and sighed in relief. "I didn't leave any trace... I won't tell if you don't."

You giggled at his silliness. "Like I would ever tell! I don't want to die either!"

He looked down gently at your sparkly eyes and he couldn't help but cup both your cheeks again, completely coating them in his hands. Who could blame him? Your skin was so soft and supple and cute and kissable.

You delicately put your small hands over his own and turned your head just slightly to land a sweet, tiny kiss on his palm, rubbing your thumbs soothingly over the back of his calloused hands.

Gosh he didn't deserve you. You were just so precious in his eyes, he wondered how he even managed to find such a pearl for himself. He relished in the adorable size difference of your hands and how he could just encase yours in his own completely. A little secret fantasy of his.

He wondered if you wanted to kiss him just as bad as he wanted to kiss you again at the moment. He knew you could be a bit shy when in public and he would never dare push your boundaries.

He didn't ask the first time and flustered you to no end, so he opted for a more timid, sweeter kiss to the corner of your mouth this time. You let out a small squeak and giggled in surprise.

"What was that even for?"

"To redeem myself for earlier." He murmured and removed a single lash that fell upon your cheek. He was always so caring and never missed on those tiny details.

He sighed and let go of you slowly as he noticed you were staring mindlessly at the horizon, a content expression adorning your face. You were happy. Because of him. That thought alone was enough to move him.

He wrapped a strong arm around your shoulder and abruptly pulled you against him hardly able to contain his feelings.

You couldn't deny that you were a bit shaken by the roughness but nonetheless, and not without a bit of shame, you enjoyed it. It just showed you how strong he was and how he could easily protect you from harm.

With these thoughts fluttering your heart, you leaned comfortably against his warm chest and closed your eyes, inhaling his musky scent and sighing delightfully.

"I love you..." You mumbled quietly and the rumble of his chest betrayed his deep chuckle.

He tightened his grip on you and replied softly. "I love you too omri."

With those sweet nothings, you dozed off without even realising it. The last thing you remembered before you fell asleep was this strange feeling around you, like you were nestled under a huge pair of warm wings.

Maybe it was just a dream though. You never really thought much about it.

Trivia: Omri: my life Habiba: Darling Marhaba: depending on the dialect, means Hello, welcome and even goodbye. Barak Allahu fik: God bless you. Ya benti: literally means 'my daughter'. It is common to use family titles in place of honorifics in arabic.

[pseudoneiiric]

meta post: lili and her gender

let me go on the record to say that i fucking love lilian eyler with my whole heart, like, i typed all this out and im so fucking emotional about her! in the past, i've written things about hello charlotte and how the lgbt representation is... lacking, let's call it, and i've also made a few headcanon posts here and there about lilian's transition and her relationship with gender. so i thought, you know, let's actually write a whole ass thing about it. so here it is.

content warnings: gender dysphoria, suicide attempts, homophobia/transphobia in the original source material

PART 1: ETHERANE'S BAD TAKES so... etherane did not handle lgbt stuff well, like, in the slightest. lili is canonically genderfluid, as seen in one of those little profile things that etherane drew that doesn't actually show up in any of the games. but her genderfluid identity isn't handled well at all in the actual source material. actually, in general, hello charlotte is pretty transphobic. to cite one example, there’s this journal entry in hello charlotte 3 talking about “defective” charlotte vessels, and one of the things that can make a charlotte vessel “defective” is for them to be born amab or intersex. this already has some really bad vibes, but then we remember also that one of the big functions of charlottes is apparently for them to be sexualized (yikes!!!!!) and so we also get this weird kind of like, “trans people aren’t hot” kind of take?

but anyway. when it comes to lilian specifically, she never actually states in canon that she’s genderfluid or otherwise trans, not even in the spinoff visual novel, which, by the way, would have been the perfect place to address her gender identity, and she consistently uses he/him pronouns. we don’t actually get to see any of her thought processes about her gender at all — like at this point, i can’t even say it’s a non-issue because that would imply that they even mentioned her gender in canon. the only time we can potentially extrapolate from canon that lili might not be cis is when anri mentions that charlotte is lili’s self-insert oc. that’s kind of heavy-handed with the whole “charlotte being the female name for charles”, but that’s another matter. the point is, with the lack of any canon basis that lilian’s even vaguely questioned her gender, the reveal that she’s actually genderfluid with like, two pieces of artwork that are detached from the actual game feels very pxrfxrmxtxvxly xnclxsxvx (performatively inclusive) especially considering how.... etherane talked about lilian’s gender in particular within the actual canon material.

after all, the story behind lilian is effectively that, after she was born, her mother was forced to abort her second child, a daughter that she would name scarlett. doing so plunged her into a really deep depression that eventually took on delusional qualities. so ever since lilian was about three years old, her mother has been referring to her exclusively as scarlett, asking her to ‘ be a good girl ’ and similarly raising her as a girl. we can see here that etherane seems to have implied that genderfluidity is something that happens because other people make it so, and isn’t an identity and lived experience. (bad take!) although, albeit unintentionally, i think etherane did lay some groundwork to talk about lilian’s relationship with her gender, specifically with regards to her projection onto her oc, charlotte. in high school, when she’s more active on the internet, we see that she’s going by charlotte and using she/her pronouns. anri, her irl friend, is pretty openly critical of that, but she sort of brushes off anri’s complaints and continues to present as feminine online. now, there’s this fanfic writer who goes by the pseudonym “c”, and lilian very quickly takes an interest in him. the way she talks to c, who doesn’t know her irl, compared anri, who does, is just like flat-out like they’re completely different people.

compare, her with c:

to her with anri:

i also wanted to mention that lili does occasionally act more “femininely” with anri, but it’s never to the extent that she does with c, and in general, affectionate banter is sort of... outright ridiculed in their friendship both ways. see this one exchange:

anri: >:) always up for some roasting lili: right? <3 <3 anri: now you’re the one being gross

unrelated but it fucking kills me that anri was like “ily <3” and lili went “gross” so she went “kys” and lili deadass goes “that’s better” like that’s what anri is referencing when she says “now you’re the one being gross” and im like... please just be healthy friends who don’t wish death on each other???

it’s also worth noting that c doesn’t know that she’s not “actually” a girl, and literally when they meet, she goes like, “it’s you who should be disappointed in me. charlotte turned out to be charles, whoops! i bet you were hoping that i’d be a cute girl.” and that’s... really depressing, like, she ended up really leaning into that cutesy side of her when she was talking to c and now she feels the need to be a lot more... sarcastic and bitter, like how she is with anri, because now c “knows the truth about her”, that she’s “actually been a guy all along”.

in any case, i think the intent that etherane was going for with this was kind of like... “lilian’s actually a repressed cis gay man!” which is . not great. it gives off this really gross vibes where it’s implied that since lili was raised as a girl and is into men, she got “confused” and started going by she/her online because she couldn’t come to terms with her sexuality or whatever. and that’s just such a bad take!!!

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is... her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness... works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like... she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow... caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it. similarly to how her genderfluidity was handled, she makes no actual statement in canon that she doesn’t experience sexual attraction. the closest she’s ever come to this is when she says to anri in heaven’s gate that she is just straight up not interested in kissing (to which anri is like, “well what if it were vincent owo??” which. ugh. anyway). it just seems really strange to me to design a character with severe mental health issues with regards to physical touch and then just sort of treat it as a given that she’s asexual. it’s another example of etherane implying that lgbt identities are results of traumatic experiences or symptoms of mental illness and not an identity or lived experience. you can be sex-repulsed and not be asexual, and while i understand that many people do identify as ace due to trauma and other such things, it still feels like really bad rep when taken with the way lilian’s genderfluidity was portrayed.

PART 2: HOW “CHARLES” IS DIFFERENT FROM “LILIAN”

throughout hello charlotte, lilian identifies herself as a passive observer, someone who doesn’t directly interfere in events. this applies mostly to her existence in false realm, where she’s like... a god, and doesn’t want to interfere in the balance of the world. but i believe she also has always seen herself as an observer. in her very first scene, the one where she and anri are watching someone get bullied, she’s the one who tells anri that there’s no point in getting help. because her role is just to observe. to take pictures for anri, to be a good girl, to say yes to everything and to never express her opinions, feelings, thoughts.

and honestly, i think the main reason for that is that she’s dysphoric. whenever she talks about herself, she’s really self-deprecating, especially compared to when she talks about charlotte. i feel like the main reason why lilian detaches herself from the world and refuses to really perceive herself is because she’s fundamentally disgusted with her gender presentation. and like, we can see in the two times that she’s presented femininely (with c and in that one comic) that lili is just so much happier and more bubbly when she’s presenting as feminine. you can literally see her stop dissociating and becoming more present in the moment because she’s just. so much more comfortable in her skin. compare:

these pictures with this one:

it’s funny i was going to say that there is a picture where she’s presenting as masculine and actually smiles like a person, but guess what! she’s texting c! so she’s actually performing femininity!

but the point is, like... when she’s presenting as masculine, especially in the canon pictures rather than etherane’s art, she just doesn’t look... happy. and then we compare that to how much more present she seems when she’s presenting as feminine, and how much more comfortable she seems in being, like, happy! and cute! but there is a downside to this. and that is...

PART 3: DIFFICULTIES IN LILI’S TRANSITION

in my sort of... “main verse” for lili, i have it so that her suicide attempt failed and that she was somehow... saved from drowning. mother passes away and she starts to... soul search a little bit and find a reason to live, and somewhere along the line she starts to transition socially. that means she starts transitioning at a pretty... extremely vulnerable point in her life. in the year between 18-19 years old, she’d be a wreck. she’s growing her hair out, but she feels insecure about it. she starts to wear skirts, but only at home. she buys makeup and never wears it. it’s a long process for her, because it’s one thing to go by she/her online or to claim she’s just a gender-confused gay boy and a completely different thing to come out as a trans woman and to actually see herself as a woman and not some kind of imposter. considering that she was raised as a girl, she would have a large amount of guilt over transitioning, feeling like she’s going to be seen as confused, or that her gender identity is a direct result of her childhood trauma. but she’s not just worried that others will see her that way: she’s worried that she’s going to see herself that way.

and for a long time, she probably does see herself that way. for a long time, scarlett would probably treat her transition as some kind of attempt to personify her unborn sister and comply with perceived expectations rather than an attempt to feel comfortable in her own skin. she’d get nervous that she’s somehow becoming scarlett, because though she’s always thought it would be easier if she’d just been her sister, she’s never really wanted to be scarlett. she’d be scared to wear mid-length skirts, scared to put her hair up in a bun, probably even scared to wear red for a time, all because she’s scared of somehow losing herself and becoming her alter.

because of her caution and concern with identifying as a trans woman and not as the “safer“ gender identity of genderfluidity (where she can say she’s trans but never actually have to “push boundaries” by wearing feminine clothing or using any pronouns besides he/him), it would likely take her a very long time to take the step to medically transition. she’d likely never get any gender affirmation surgeries just because of how invasive the procedure is, but hormones would probably be something she’d look into once she’s much older and has a more stable income.

i mentioned before that before her transition, she uses dissociation and observation as a way to cope with her gender dysphoria. she saw herself as someone who didn’t really participate in the world, was a class ghost, invisible to everyone and a minuscule part of a vast universe. but upon transitioning, she’d feel much more actively self-conscious. once she starts to present in a feminine way, she’d feel like she’s being seen, like she’s actually participating in the world, and that’s both a blessing and a curse.

she’d be much more prone to stammering, especially when saying her name, and would blush far more often. she’d be afraid of saying the wrong thing or messing up somehow. and on top of that, she’d likely feel predatory for talking to others, always wondering if others find her cute or repulsive, always wondering if someone will perceive her and harm her in some way.

she’d very likely also feel really guilty about her own emotional experience. because she’s so used to being a passive observer, a puppet that only does what others want, she would feel like it’s selfish to be just... content. she’s so actively disgusted with herself before she transitions that she’s never allowed herself to be mentally present for a happy moment in her entire life. she always second-guesses, always dismisses positive things as a mere coincidence, and after she transitions, when she starts being more present in her life, she’d feel so guilty for just allowing herself to be happy.

because of that, she has some trouble with presenting as feminine consistently — she’d vary the “level” of her feminine presentation from day-to-day, where she might go full femme one day and another day stick with a beanie and a pair of slacks. she’s much more comfortable with presenting as more traditionally feminine when she’s at home or with trusted friends in a private space, but around 19 years old, she makes a vested effort to remain in public spaces. she’d time herself, saying, “for one hour, i’ll stay in this café while wearing a skirt, and then i can leave,” and she’d gradually increase the amount of time she spends in public spaces. and eventually, eventually she does end up feeling really comfortable with her gender presentation and falls into a more static sense of style. she really likes clothing design, so she ends up wearing a lot more dynamic outfits when she’s more comfortable with herself, and she probably also mildly gets into cosplay.

i also like to think that she reconnects with anri during her young adult years. either it’s like, right after her suicide attempt (i’ve written before that she’d had anri listed as her emergency contact and forgot to change it when she moved), or it’s at some point after she starts transitioning socially. i think it’d be really sweet for them to be friends in a more real way, and the sheer concept of anri teaching lili how to properly apply makeup and to set her hair is just so fucking sweet i might die. they both deserve to have friends so i think this is just a step up from hello charlotte canon.

[zunnyzee]

Okay so I think about this a lot but I’ve had a lot of instances where I was young but knew I was nb. I’ll share a few here, and a few more in later posts when I remember them.

There was the time when I saw a documentary about a girl who realized that she has no female reproductive organs. She was so upset when she realized she couldn’t have a period, because her insides had only male parts. She couldn’t see it, she thought she was a girl. Intersex. She was intersex by definition. For the next two months, I fantasized about having those male parts on my insides, convincing myself I would never get a period, because I would totally wind up finding out I was just like her. I was on the bus looking out the window when I saw an old man. I wondered if he used to be a girl, though most likely, that was not the case. Less than a year later, I broke my finger playing basketball, and on that day (9 years old), I got my first period. I was so shocked. I felt grossed out that I turned out to be like my mother, it made me feel bad to be ‘a woman, just like her’. I felt upset that I would now have to endure this burden until I grow old. I felt sad that I wasn’t intersex, though even to this day I still have that hope inside me that doctors will find something ‘wrong’ so I can finally feel ‘right’. For two years after that, I never washed a single underwear soaked in blood. I kept in in a drawer for months, until I could stand to face them. I never could. I wouldn’t wear pads, I thought I was curing myself of having periods by ignoring it. After all, if I were a girl, I would be cleaning blood stained underwear every month and wearing cotton in between my legs, but I wasn’t, so obviously I’m not a girl. I bled through my pants everytime, but I had a system to keep it off anything I sat on. I have never worn white pants. I never got cramps, cravings, or mood swings, and it only lasted three days, so I thought I was winning. I was not. I was about 13 when I stopped doing all of that.

It was 2012 and I was on my way to school. To be specific, it was 12/12/12. I was on of the ones that thought the world was going to end. I was already depressed at this time, but it was the first winter that I started having suicidal thoughts. I had broken and fractured two bones in my foot, and I had a great time swinging around on my crutches. Something about the way that I was using my upper body strength made me feel manly and cool. Mostly cool. I would have to climb stairs everyday to reach the train, but I did it so quickly I was like a muscle-y god. I got up the stairs and was waiting for the train to arrive, and realized how cold it was. I was just waiting there, standing. After a couple minutes my feet started to hurt, I’ve got really flat feet and it causes me pain. I had taken the elevator that day, I believe it had rained or something and everything was wet. I remember looking at the tracks, thinking about jumping in right before the train comes and letting it run me over. I know now that more than 95% of people survive that and depending where, you’ll get fined for holding up the trains, so bad idea, obviously, but I was so ready to go. I figured, today ends everything anyways, so why not? But then I was like, one more day? Let’s make it a good one then. I put on some P!NK and got on the train. I nearly pissed myself getting onto the train, I felt like Final Destination, like in some universe, I took the jump. I felt sick, not nauseous but sort of, and slightly light headed. It lasted half a day. 

I was in elementary school, after school. I was doing a craft with some girls. We took a break to go to the bathroom together, our teacher couldn’t let us go alone and there was only one of her so we all had to go. I didn’t have to go at first, so I just did my job and held the door closed for everyone that took the stall with the broken door. I really liked helping. When everyone was done, I realized I had to pee. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to wait until I got home, but that was over two hours from now. The walls were so pink, it made me upset, not to mention I was going through a phase where I thought hitting solved all problems, because of course, if I was violent, I would be seen as a boy, or at least boyish. I like helping because the teacher always wanted a big strong man to assist. Also for my own reasons, but everytime I held a chair, it would bang into me, me being a generally clumsy person, and I know I wouldn’t have done that if they didn’t want a big strong man. I also hate the color pink, at the time for being ugly AND feminine, I knew they were two different things. So I go to use the broken stall an I ask the girl to hold the door at the last minute. I was petrified of others seeing my developing female body, even though it was really obvious. She left me. I cried alone in the stall, the door much too far for me to hold and pee, but I had to go so bad. She came back to get me because I stood there over 20 minutes, never even peeing. When she came back, I pissed, wiped my ass, washed my hands, and choked her. I was so upset. How could she leave me, someone who’s not a girl, alone in a female bathroom with stupid pink walls? If I’m the only one there, people are going to think I’m a girl. If someone else is there, then that title goes to them and I’m just there to help. How dare she make me cry? Doesn’t she know crying is for girls? I very much regret this now, but this was my extremely masculine phase. None of it involved changing the way I looked.

After nearly a decade, my mother was able to afford a gravestone for my grandmother and great grandmother, who were buried together. I remember it cost $9,000 dollars for the stone and $3,000-$5,000 dollars for the engraving. She made me wear white shoes with a pink stripe. I hated them so much. It was the only bit of pink on me, but I hated that stripe so much. I was mostly fine throughout the day, we were seeing the final product that day. My mother was moved to tears when she saw it, but I never me either of them so I didn’t care all that much, I just knew it was important to her. She wanted us to take a photo, our feet next to the stone. I started bawling my eyes out. If I took a photo with these striped pink shoes, it will be evidence that I am a girl. That day, I was very much Not A Girl. She yelled at me after about half an hour of crying, saying that I was ruining a special moment, and I was, but I told her that morning I didn’t want to wear those shoes, but she insisted I must because it makes me cuter. She took the photo, put a cute caption on it, and sent it off to facebook, while I spent the rest of my time trying not to throw up.

There was this kid in my 5th grade class that I found semi-cute but was not attracted to. He was everything I wanted to be at the time, disastrous, cool, a boy. He was getting chased by his friends in the middle of math class (It was my first time learning multiplication and division) for a prank he did, when he ran into the library. He cracked his head open and had to have surgery. When he came back to school with a scar across his forehead, all I could think was, ‘yes, this is how I want to be as a boy. I want to be so chaotic and violent and to get hurt. I want mud. (I really don’t know why mud. I think I just associated the kid with mud, it felt fitting.) I want to get hurt so people know I’m a boy.’ Then one of the girls in my class, who I accidentally came out to and got teased by, started having seizures in class. It made me drop the ‘I need to get hurt to be a boy’ mindset quick, but that came back when I started accepting the scars I had on my body.

And...that’s all I got for now! So, when I question my dysphoria and gender identity, well, I know I’m not lying, at least.