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rosenmarille · 4 years ago

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First of all: that One Day bit is quality content. Second of all I read "3.5 for Holly" and am Highly Interested

HI yes! i will explain, however i first have to correct myself. its actually a part 2.5, not 3.5. like i mentioned in the other post, the part is called “heart unbound”, this is about 25 years after battle tendency, when holly is in her early 20s!!

the rest of this im gonna put under the cut

so the setting. joseph (43), suzie, and holly (21) live in new york, smokey is in georgia, lisa lisa (75) is Somewhere in the states, erina and speedwagon have passed away (sad). its 1963! the speedwagon foundation has continued expanding, with joseph and lisa lisa closely involved after speedwagons death. they’ve mostly moved their attention into new territory, but still have all their old research kept. stands aren't a thing yeeet, but its been long enough that the pillarmen have faded into unpleasant memory.

until one night the power at the swf hq goes out for just a moment too long, and santana manages to escape.

joseph and lisa lisa are contacted asap, and they decide to travel down to texas and find him (preferably take him out for good this time). holly, who has grown up hearing about jojo’s wild escapades, really wants to come along. she knows some hamon! she can defend herself! come on!! (yes i said it, holly learned hamon, do you think having lisa lisa for a grandmother would result in anything less?) anyway, joseph and lisa lisa Really don't want her to come since it could be really dangerous and they'd rather not put her in harm’s way.

so holly (rich, unsupervised) books a plane and goes after them.

we skip to texas!! joseph and lisa lisa investigate at hq and the surrounding area and find practically no trace of santana or where he might have gone. when holly arrives, she decides that since she can't look into hq without getting caught, she’ll ask around with locals, and manages to hear rumours about a new sort of cryptid (only appears at night, weird anatomy etc), both cattle and people have been disappearing, but on a very small scale. she looks into similar stories and realizes that santana must be moving south, though what he's planning, she doesn't know. but she will follow!! (and leave breadcrumbs for her family to pick up on this pattern too, she guesses. not so helpless now, huh?)

so this goes for a while, taking her down into mexico, until she is pretty sure that she can triangulate the missing people reports accurately enough to actually Find him. holly isnt stupid, she doesnt think she can win in a battle against a pillarman. what she’s hoping to do is prove herself to joseph and lisa lisa by prepping and helping out enough for them to then take care of the problem. she's an adult now and she doesnt appreciate being treated like a child. (you may say this contradicts how she behaved towards joseph in part 3, but to that i counter: she's in her 40s in that one, and her being an adult is established enough that she knows she can act a lil silli without that being put in question)

but hey!! she does find him!! she decides to stalk him for a bit, see what he does. so she happens to be there when santana attacks a young woman (midnight snack), who pulls a KNIFE instead of running away, so Holly rushes in and deflects an attack with a quick hamon swipe. santana has learned from his previous hamon encounter and instead of sticking around, he decides it isn't worth it and absconds instead (smart). (at this point you might notice this is the first fight of the part. yeah it be like that in this one. call it battle untendency)

holly and the woman (who later introduces herself as Maria (no last name yet; but named after Maria Maria by Santana (lol)) also get out of dodge and hide out in an alley, where maria decides that she needs to know what the fuck that Thing was, yesterday. magic?? sparkling?? hello??? and hollys like uhh hah yes so. that's an ancient semi immortal vampire creature? and this is sunlight breathing magic, which he's allergic to. yea. and maria is like ................yeah okay i buy it. teach me sunlight breathing magic, i wanna come.

maria side paragraph! she's our oc and we love her. remember that awful scene from the santana arc with all those prisoners and the one kid who doesn't get sacrificed? that's her older brother. he was “let go” but “let go” basically did just mean “free to wander the desert and find civilisation maybe”, so when he did eventually find his way back home, he'd been severely traumatized, plus on death's door. other prisoners had been turned into vampires to test on the pillarman discovery, so the word “vampire” is something he'd have heard and conveyed to his family, who didn’t. really believe him. he also hasn't really recovered from that experience :( then the war happened and maria's dad served in it, and afterwards decided that his other child needed to know how to defend herself, and maria learned how to handle a knife, as well as how to physically fight. their family managed to avoid post war financial problems for the most part, and maria was able to finish her studies! she's a pilot :) she is, however, harbouring very deep anger and resentment for what happened to her brother, and has not really had a face to direct that anger towards, so it's been on a relatively low burner for the most part, but now there’s talk of vampires and a person she can blame for her family’s trauma.

they exchange notes and she realizes that yeahh, that is pretty much exactly what her brother had told them, so it was true. hah :) yes actually, i would like to learn vampire killing magic please holly. and holly, who didn't really want to bring someone with her, but kind of does believe in accidents not being a thing, decides that yeah, she probably should bring maria along. and sure!! if they have to deal with sanata again, why not teach her hamon!! they share stories and continue to follow the trail while they train together, and become really close friends! jobro time.

we've now reached the first third of the story.

we travel further south!! soon, holly begins to realize......... ohh..... the temple they found santana in.. that's south of here, isn't it? oh huh. what could he want there?? the masks have been destroyed as far as she knows?? she doesn't know enough first hand to know what significance there could be, but the girls prepare for anything. maybe a big weapon the researchers had not been able to identify?? MOre pillarmen, secretly living underneath the temple???

(there are gonna be some scenes that involve lisa lisa and joseph figuring out where they need to go, and maybe also realizing who set that trail, maybe they have smth else going on, who knows)

holly and maria follow santana and eventually do find the temple, and prepare to stake it out, hopefully hopefully not alerting him to their presence, because that would be.........bad. (tho tbh marias kinda itching to try out vampire begone magic. wouldn't You want to if you suddenly learned how?) neither of them have ever been here so they're honestly pretty floored by the temple interior, the tunnel that leads into the main chamber dark and uninviting, with who knows what hidden dangers are lurking about.

and then they see him. santana is investigating the place where the pillar had been cut out of the structure, the stone masks crushed and broken, strewn around the floor, running his hands over the broken stone. Then he walks to one of the murals carved into the wall, a large one, similar to the one speedwagon had been investigating, with the 4 faces representing the pillarmen, and he lingers there. dips his head, then walks back to the empty space of the pillar and sits down where it was, crosslegged, and closes his eyes. and then he stays still. what does That mean??

the girls decide this is enough, they should fall back and formulate a proper plan, maybe wait for joseph and lisa lisa to catch up. buuuut we can't have that be the end of it, and so something happens, maybe one of them trips? steps on rubble that falls loose? they make a noise. and get noticed.

change of plans! fight now! except there isn't an attack? they stay still but “i know you're there.” damn it. battle formation, stances ready, they make their way into the chamber, where santana hasn't moved at all. he's still sitting there, but he's looking at them now. holly asks what he's doing here, he asks the same back. she says not to play dumb, hes been killing people this whole time, he has to answer for that! and to that, santana honestly looks a bit confused because. has he? in his defense, he's not human, his prey is humans. pillarboy has to eat.

marias like “well? aren't you going to attack us?” and he's like “not unless you bother me.” and closes his eyes again. the girls aren't sure what to make of this.

santana side paragraph: first of all, this is a santana stan account. name one (1) thing he's done wrong, canonically. woke up in a strange place. captured?? got his bearings, tried to Leave and was accosted! shot some nazis (go king), and finally only snapped when joseph got mad he didn't laugh at his clownery. anyone would get murderous as a result. tried to escape further, ultimately was stopped and detained Again! morally, he's above joseph.

so they're just standing now. since their earlier encounter where holly used hamon, santana refuses to talk more at first, but holly has the bright idea to get his trust by having maria restrain her and then stand back with her weapon -- a show of putting herself in a helpless position and promise she wont attack. that’s enough for santana to agree to come closer and have a proper conversation.

holly asks again why he's here exactly? what's here? and he tells her that if she Must know, he's waiting. waiting for what, she asks. and maria looks back at the carvings and realizes “oh. there should be 4 of them.” now santana looks mildly uncomfortable, and holly rememebers that “oh fuck, dad killed all of them.” and then “wait they were evil tho??” and then again “wait fuuck, didn't the leader guy say they left this one behind in mexico on purpose? oh man does he Know?” holly finds herself in the position of “not only do i have to tell this guy his friends aren't coming because they're Dead, they also kinda abandoned him.” yikes.

meanwhile maria is kinda pissed that her one chance at revenge might have just been taken from her. she still blames santana for what happened to her brother, and she refuses to let that go. she’s too stubborn and proud for that. and now, especally since holly seems to be focused on creating a bond, it feels like a slap in the face. so she kinda… snaps, ruining their chance at resolving this peacefully and causing santana to run off again. she and holly have a fight. it sucks.

soon after that joseph does find holly and he Does send her home. maria, after explaining her intentions, stays with them. holly is heartbroken :( after shes gone, joseph and lisa lisa make a plan to trap santana, aimed to go off in a few days prep, and during this, maria is starting to realize that that... really isnt the right thing to do... shes now had some time to sit alone with her guilt and regret about how she handled the situation, ssso she gets an idea on how to make up for it...

meanwhile holly is sitting at home and is sad, until suzie drives her somewhere in guise of going to a fancy lunch with smokey (whos in town), but really she drives her to the joestars airpad where her friend marua(!!) is already waiting in front of joseph’s plane, which, turns out, she hijacked in the south and flew all the way up here, and suzie tosses holly a bag with clothes and stuff and tells her to hurry up and get going :3

and hollys all "but what about lunch with mr smokey? :o" and suzie winks at her and says "don't worry, he's waiting for me to tell him everything went well at the restaurant ;)" and then holly gives her a big hug, runs to her friend and hugs Her, and they are off to fly back south to save some lives. on the way, maria apologizes and explains -- how she had harboured this resentment for so long that the sudden target for her blame put in front of her, plus the immediate removal of it were so jarring that she acted impulsively... she knows santana isnt at fault for what happened with her brother... and now she just hopes they make it in time.

as luck would have it, they catch up with joseph and lisa lisa just in time to jump between them and santana (maria accidentally cuts off joseph’s prosthetic hand in the process and freaks the fuck out before realizing it’s fine) and try to talk it out. it’s a tense few minutes, but holly is determined and stubborn, and she manages to get her dad and grandma to see her side of things and santana is saved! they find something for him to eat, giving him the energy to heal his wounds. pillarmen absorbing shit never gets old.

And from there it’s mostly just everything getting settled down and smoothed out. they get back in touch with the swf and tell them the problem is handled. santana turns out to be a relatively peaceful dude when his life isn’t being threatened, and he becomes a good friend with all four of them, but especially holly and maria. they help teach him about the modern world and he decides that he’s going to do some travelling and learn about the history of his culture and other ancient mesoamerican cultures he interacted with in his youth, and he shares the things he learns with the swf so they can get the info about where theyre needed etc. maria gets hooked up with one of the many therapists we decided work at the swf that has experience with the supernatural things she and her brother have gone through. holly, maria, and santana stay in touch and go on regular trips together. holly receives many post cards.

it’s all really good and happy :) thats heart unbound baybee!! <33

#pari talks #heart unbound #jjba #au tag #(<< new tag for all future pari and jace aus jdfdkfjh)#this turned out Very long djfkdjh #ALSO important post credit notes: santana and maria stay involved in the rest of the jojo stories #mostly in the background doing their own things sometimes together sometimes separate #santana develops an actual cryptid status like fukin nessie or smth #‘the pillarman always walks at night. a huge behemoth of a human but Not Quite a body that can change shape at will…. always on foot….’#that last one was his personal choice because he can take his time going places #he walks everywhere and just enjoys how the world has changed #maria becomes an ‘’’adventurer’’’ by profession. she has a plane #she has a big knife #she goes and beats up poachers and is on the frontlines for social movements #jotaro has the coolest aunt

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ptergwen · 5 years ago

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starting at the end

warnings: nope

summary: peter takes you to a new year’s eve party

a/n: hey hi i hope everyone’s christmas was lovely if you celebrated! this is gonna be my last post of the year which is so ??? i just want to say thank you for reading my work and in general being so sweet to me always. i really do appreciate all of you and i’ll talk to you next decade! and as always enjoy <3

—

peter is nervous. not that that’s anything he isn’t used to; being nervous is one of his personality traits. but this kind of nervous? it’s different. it’s the kind of nervous he gets only because of you. the amount of butterflies he has right now makes him feel like he’ll burst into millions of tiny pieces the second he sees you. he just really wants tonight to be perfect.

flash is throwing a new year’s eve party, and peter asked you to be his date. he’d been working up the courage for months now to ask you out. what convinced him to finally do it is that it’s the last day of the entire decade. he doesn’t want it to end without you knowing how he feels. now or never situations always give him the push he needs.

peter’s day is spent getting ready. he has may teach him new dance moves, calls ned for last minute tips on flirting, and does his hair the way you like it. you told him once before that his curls are “too pretty to drown them in so much gel,” then used your fingers to fix them. ever since, peter decided that would be his new hair style.

never having been to a new year’s eve party before, he texts you at some point to ask what he should wear. you’re pretty much his personal sylist. he brings you shopping basically every time he goes. it makes him all blushy when you watch him try on clothes, getting him to do a spin in them. peter always thinks the smile on your face is worth it.

you text peter back saying to dress how he usually does and rememeber to be at your apartment at seven, with a smiley face. his heart practically pounds out of his chest when he looks at the time and sees it’s a little past six thirty. your first date is happening so soon.

wanting to wear something you’ll like, peter ends up choosing a blue and white flannel you picked out for him. he throws on the rest of his clothes and shoes, then checks his hair one last time. may hugs peter and asks him tell you hi for her before he leaves to pick you up.

the walk to your apartment doesn’t take too long, which peter loves, except for tonight because he’s freaking out and has to keep wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. he goes over all ned’s advice while taking the stairs. when he makes it to the front door he’s been through so many times he can’t count, he just stands there. he uses the time to give himself a mental pep talk.

you got this, peter. it’s just y/n.

taking a breath, he knocks on the door. your dad opens it shortly after.

“hi, mr. y/l/n. how are you?” peter shakes the hand your dad extends. they’ve met a few times before. from what peter can tell, he likes him, or at least doesn’t mind him. “i’m good, thanks. how are you?” “i’m good, too. is y/n ready?” your dad glances back into your apartment. “i’ll check. do you want to wait inside?” he gestures for peter to come in. peter nods.

“sure. thank you, sir.” he follows with a small smile. peter hears you listening to a playlist he made you from your room. his smile gets even bigger at that. “y/n? peter is here,” your dad calls from in front of your door. “i’m coming!” the music shuts off, followed by fast footsteps. you spot peter right as you open the door. all of his nerves melt away when you make your way over to him.

you’re one of his best friends, what was there to ever worry about?

“hey!” you open your arms with a grin. peter dips down to give you a hug. “were you just listening to back in black?” “yep.” you tug at the bottom of peter’s flannel. “is this the one we bought you last weekend?” “mhm,” he hums proudly. the exchange makes your dad crack a smile from where he’s watching.

“you look... really good, peter. did you do your hair, too?” you bite your lip. the fact that you noticed makes him happier than probably ever.

“i thought you’d like it.” he offers you his (mostly dry) hand. taking it, you lace your fingers together. it’s not your first time holding hands, but there’s something new about this. a good new. “and you look beautiful, y/n.” “thank you,” you giggle. “we should probably go. wouldn’t wanna keep dj flash waiting.” peter laughs and nods. you turn to face your dad.

“bye! i’ll try not to be back too late.” “have fun, and stay safe! you too, peter. i’ll see you next year.” he waves goodbye. you wave back with your free hand, peter doing the same. the two of you leave your apartment, erupting into another short fit of laughter.

“dad jokes,” you sigh. you’re leading the way down the stairs. “that was nothing compared to the ones may makes. she says hi, by the way.” may is the sweetest. she’s always checking up on you. “aw, tell her i say hi back.” “yeah, of course.” peter gets more comfortable holding hands with you like this, running his thumb along the back of yours. it just feels right.

walking outside and into the windy night, you pull your phone out of your pocket. “flash texted me his address. i can navigate.” you wave your phone around to show peter the screen. “go for it. i have no idea where he even lives,” peter chuckles. you click your tongue at him jokingly. “oh, peter.”

there isn’t much to talk about on the way to flash’s apartment, since you and peter have hung out or facetimed every day of your winter break. the two of you communicate mostly by making weird faces at each other and pointing out random things that you see. as navigator, you also have to stop peter from walking in the wrong direction a couple of times. he doesn’t know where he’d be without you. literally.

it’s obvious which apartment is flash’s without even going inside the building. there’s blasting music and colorful lights showing from where you are. “i don’t know how we’ll ever be able to find flash’s place,” you say sarcastically, peter opening the door. “it’s almost like he doesn’t want us to,” he jokes.

you hold peter’s hand tighter as you two skip up the few flights of stairs it takes to get there. giving each other knowing looks, you both step inside.

“y/n and parker! you’re here!” flash leaves his dj table to greet you. he looks down at your intertwined hands. “guess i won’t be getting a new year’s kiss from you, huh?” your mouth drops open, you pushing flash’s shoulder. “get out of here, flash.” “i would, but i actually live here. gotta go queue up requests. you two lovebirds have fun!” he winks and points at peter before walking away.

“we will,” peter says just to you, laughing at your moment with flash. “he’s so...” “out there?” he finishes your sentence. “that’s one way to describe him.”

taking your other hand, peter tilts his head towards the crowd of people. “dance with me?” “god, yes.” a smile lights up your face as you pull peter further into the room until you two disappear into the crowd. peter twirls himself around you with your hand, wiggling his eyebrows at you. “not bad, peter.”

“thanks. may actually taught me how to dance a little bit.” he’s too pure. you put your arms around peter’s neck and move in closer to him. peter’s arms hug your waist. “really? what other moves did she teach you?”

peter dips you suddenly. you let out a small gasp, your breathing getting heavier as he holds you in place. he looks from your parted lips to your eyes before bringing you back up. “damn. can may give me a lesson sometime?” the two of you laugh breathlessly. peter moves his hands to your hips and sways you both. “if you’re serious, she definitely would.” “i’m so serious.”

you and peter spend so much time jumping around while flash plays the hits of the decade through his speakers. the only time you take a break is for snacks and soda, then it’s right back to dancing and singing along. you never want to leave peter’s arms. he never wants to stop holding you.

as it gets closer to midnight, flash puts on more chill songs. your head is resting on peter’s chest with your arms around his torso. he’s looking down at you, pulling you closer by your waist and moving you side to side slowly. “i’m really happy you asked me to come with you.” “me too.” peter gives you a tired smile.

“i was gonna ask you out myself if you didn’t ask me first.” “you were waiting for me to do it?” “yeah, peter. i like you a lot.” you close your eyes, sighing in content. “i like you even more,” he murmurs and closes his own eyes.

“one minute to midnight!” flash announces before either of you know it. people start scrambling to find who they want to be with when the year ends. you and peter stay right where you are. all you need is each other.

the one thing peter forgot to do was plan if and how he would kiss you. he doesn’t want to freak out and ruin the moment, so he tries to think of what may would tell him. something about not thinking at all. everybody is counting down from ten now, you included. peter just watches you.

“three, two, one, happy new year!” he hears. you’re about to say something, but peter’s lips on yours stop you. you kiss him back instantly, him leaning into it. you both pull back after with huge smiles. even though it didn’t last long, it was everything you’d ever hoped for. “what’s your new year’s resolution?” you yell over the noisemakers and cheers of people around you.

“to ask you to be my girlfriend,” peter surprises himself and you by saying. you take a step back to see him better. “that’s a dumb one.” peter’s nerves come back just like that. did he say the wrong thing? is he moving too fast? like you can read his mind, you peck his lips and hold his hands on your waist.

“resolutions are supposed to be goals you haven’t accomplished already.” he’s pretty much in shock at this point. “are you... are you saying you wanna be my girlfriend?” “i’m saying i really wanna be your girlfriend.” peter kisses you again without a second thought.

who would’ve guessed that the year ending would be the beginning of everything else?

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ms-hells-bells · 4 years ago

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Cochlear implants anon. Since you mentioned autism, I rememebered watching videos showing ABA in action and I was appalled. One child was so overstimulated that she quit resisting and her parents considered that successful. Another was suppressing stimming and forcing attention. I don't see how they'll function as adults because the desired result is only accomplished by other people. If they can't self-soothe, what good is it?

oh, by successful i meant “has a positive outcome for that person”. suppressing is not a positive outcome, as it leads to distress and development of mental illness. it is very common for autistic girls to develop depression and anxiety disorders from masking and trying to act normal. it’s what happened to me.

by therapies, i meant introducing us to social situations and the appropriate ways to behave from a young age, so that even if we don’t understand why at the time, we can respond to various situations in an appropriate manner. when i was young, i was violent and i would pull my and other people’s pants down because i had no idea that that was not okay.

other excellent aid is teaching us when to remove ourselves from situations we know we can’t deal with. so, not forcing us into uncomfortable situations, even if most people can handle them. i have only had a handful of meltdowns in the past 4 years of so because i learnt (through myself, unfortunately) how to avoid situations of high stress, and things i can’t deal with.

then there are other things, like if certain stims are damaging to us or others, teaching how to channel that need and energy into a healthier stim. one of my stims used to be ripping up and eating paper. all paper; school workbooks, those paper lollipop sticks, and even wallpaper. i stopped doing it out of embarrassment, but i was a whole 12-13 before i stopped, and it would have been nice if i was taught to focus my eating and chewing on something else, like having gum with me, or snacks, or something. but now it doesn’t really matter i guess, i’m over that one.

just like with virtually every kind of condition, there are healthy, helpful therapies, and old fashioned, harmful therapies that only benefit the parent. but that doesn’t discount all therapy. the psychotherapy i got for around a year when i was 16 )when i got diagnosed) was so incredibly helpful.

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scorpiointuitiveenergist · 7 years ago

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Experiences with the Hellenic Gods: APHRODITE

Friendly Reminder: They are gods, but they are very human also, so they make mistakes. They look and act like us because in that way, we can relate to them. All of this are my own experiences, so if you had something different, you are welcome to comment, still doesn’t invalidate my opinion, neither yours. Caring is sharing so if you find this useful, share this to someone that might need some enlightment in the subject.

So here we are, the real deal, my beautiful sea-born mom, my lady, my queen of love and aesthetics. Yes this is going to be a loooong post! Lets talk about my current tutelar deity, the one who is teaching me a lot, the Star that shines the most! (yes she wanted a lot of epithets before anouncing her name, lol) Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty has arrived on stage! As I said in previous chapters, She is the one who took me in her guardianship, when I prayed for which one of the twelve gods wanted to be my patron, I suddenly went outside and saw in the west a huge pink cloud shaped like a heart. Before that I she took me as her student, I had once prayed in tears in front of Venus at that time, I was conflicted a bit with Christianity, but praying to her star, that time, was so inside me I had to cry, because since I am gay and everything I do is bad to their believes, I broke the mold, and cried after making it, because inside my soul, I knew she was going to understand me. She made me break the chain my mind had that what I was doing was wrong. I was a pretty rebel guy, but still that christian background kinda haunted me. So now I dont feel guilty anymore and I am able to perform better on spells and contacting other gods. I can’t talk you a lot about what she makes me to do because tutelar deities secrets are personal stuff, but still she told me I could give you some advices she have given to me. Aphrodite can be a very lovable, energetic and happy woman, but she can be very strict and if you dont respect her way she can be fierce. So after doing that prayer, the next day, I was walking when suddenly I felt her purifying, fresh and energetic energy, I wanted to dance and smile, it was a very nice sensation. But it was short timed. Another day, I was deppresed about a boy, and Aphrodite told me that I should try ivoke her energy into me. I was kinda skeptical about it, because I feared she take my body and made me do things at my expenses. I did my proper research and found out that actually you dont get possesed, but rather get spirited, you are you, but with different perceptions that outside people can see, feeling diferent too. So I did it, it lasted about an hour or so. I saw my eyes in the mirror and I saw the glow, Aphrodite’s glow in my eyes I started smiling and feeling much better. My brother even saw me and felt stranged, he told me I had puppy eyes and felt my energy pretty... entuthiast. I went to the bus and felt how Her powers, was fixing my hurted heart. It felt like the shattered pieces were getting healed and made me feel much better. After the bus stop, I had to walk to college for my test and an english teacher, a young handsome atheltic guy, gave me a ride to college, we are very friendly with each other, but that day, he never stopped staring at me, even I felt his face come too close to mine that time, nothing inappropiate happened but still it was fun! I always felt he had a small crush on me and that day it seemed a bit obvious. Still I went to the exam and everything. The teacher is a young handsome dude too, but he is pretty much an arrogant guy that could be nice sometimes, he had a bitchy attitude with me sometimes. That day he saw me and I smiled to him back. God, you would have loved to see his smile, he smiled like if I actually made him really happy! I did my test and everything, even finally met the guy who I was interested in (not in a romantic way, but he was new and spoke with argentinian accent, so I felt pretty drawn to him... I am not going to lie, he is hot, still I wanted to know him in a not romantic way!) Her energy can help you ease situations and people, even other gods! Ares for example got more fond to me after getting a bit of Aphrodite esence. (After that situation and banished her energy from me, I felt a bit of her inside me, I checked with my magical energist brother and he told me that was like a back up just in case my feelings got damaged and could help me right away) I told you these because Aphrodite likes to show off how can adventurous can be on her side, so she was like, “Tell them that story!”, so if you found it pretty offensive or weird I apologize.

So in my experience Aphrodite has been a great teacher, friend, and goddess! She likes to hang out a lot, laugh, joke and look pretty. But remember that she is a Goddess, and deserves respect. She can be strict and get angry, because love is a very serious matter to her. You know, the love is the strongest force, no surprise why she could protect Paris from Zeus thunderbolt using her girdle to protect him. More importantly, many women seems to despise her for being a slut, sex slave driven by men desire or weird shit like that. She actually hates when a man or woman talk about sexuality as if it is a piece of meat. For her making love is connecting to somebody else, enjoying you and your partner’s body, soul and mind. She can be quite liberal, yes, but she makes love because she desires to share a good experience and enjoy her body, rather than please or fullfill an arousal. She DECIDES who to give and make love too. But an most important aspect is that She likes to teach is about self love. Straight, Gay, Bi, Trans, Ace, NB, all and nothing, she loves them and teach them to love themselves. Thats why she is happy, and healed my heart, not because I wanted to attract someone, but because she knew I had to feel better, and in order to shine in your beauty, you have to smile. She is more of the beauty in happiness and Persephone beauty in sadness (I will explain myself in that chapter). She wants you to smile, enjoy yourselves, fertilize your feelings and make the fruit that others will perceive and find them attractive. She believes anyone has a star in their hearts and you can make it shine by loving yourself. So keep practicing self love, she likes to remind that the most important thing is to feel good and embrace yourself. She also loves people who fight for their happines, she can be lovely but a brave soldier too. Fight for love, not for anything Ares was his lover ;). Rember this is my experience with her, so I share how I perceive her. She likes pretty things roses, seashells, jewels, roses with honey, but rememeber, if you are going to offer her something, cheap or not, try to be in the best condition it can, wilted flowers are a huge no for her LOL.

Blessings to everyone and I’m sorry for the long post, I hope Aphrodite bless your life dear readers!

#greek deities #greek gods #theoi #hellenic polytheism #hellenic deities #hellenic pagan #aphrodite #*aphrodite

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findmebeforeifall · 7 years ago

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I think I'm losing you but I will never regret choosing you 'Cause I am in love and for now that will be enough and the ones around me convinced me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope but now I know even after you begin to let your emotions slow the reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never gonna let go Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive so gouge out my eyes 'cause if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive Because I don't know a life in where I can't make things right And when life teaches you to drive and you finally say goodbye and you won't let me stand by your side I'll know that though some feelings are hurt none will have died 'Cause I used to stay up at night and picture myself looking in your eyes Shouting as you would sigh How dare you think you can fall asleep? With water dripping from the kitchen sink How dare you think you can fall asleep With all these little leaks in this home we built in our dreams? A picture's worth a thousand words of whatever people say to me It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need and all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets A prayer that nothing will keep A hope that light will seep before the dark sinks too deep or at least the sinking feeling inside of me will decrease when the release of perceived dreams burn in the flame of feeling free So feel free to be free if that's what you need And if someday you feel alone and everything caves in when you try to breathe Know that you're not alone as far as I can see, 'cause you were everything to me Through this I've realized that if I were god we would've all just died because darling, you were mine and now I feel so dead inside and what good am I if all I can create is a projection of my own mind A dream of finding time to remind you that I'm still here, and I'm not fine And darling if you're going to leave just remember who you are and do what you can to remember me Maybe someday we can talk about our past and we can talk about the weather Whenever you leave I dont care what I'm remembered for I just want to be rememebered Because even if I fail you, at least I tried and maybe our lives dont add up now But someday our graves will look the same when we both die and if I had a chance I'd give you one last kiss and I'd bite down on your lip and I'd try to puncture it So you'll never forget that time that you'll always regret and darling, I know that sometimes life will take a turn for the worse and sometimes life will even hurt, and I know some days, some days you're afraid of the lessons you'll have to learn and some days you'll even feel burned and I'll wanna let you know I wanna love you through them But I always get what I deserve

#Hotel Books #Nicole #I'm Almost Happy Here But I Never Feel At Home #EP #Spoken Word

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mercadosadaf · 6 years ago

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How to win by NOT “punching fear”

I heard this expression a while back, I think it was a subtitle for a book.

It mentioned “How to punch fear in the face!”

Now, on the surface, that sounds like a positive thing, right?

I want to accomplish something, therefore I need to get rid of my fears around that thing, therefore giving that fear a good punch to the face will eliminate the obstacle and allow me to do what I want to do!

Unfortunately, fear doesn’t work like that.

Fear is a natural human emotion. It comes up for a reason, or for several reasons.

I was talking to a woman in our The Fit Triathlete Transformation course last night, and she mentioned that her partner wanted to learn to swim but did not want her help.

Long story short, I correctly guessed that he had a fear of the water.

But, like many men in our culture (and some women too), admitting this fear is not acceptable!

So we come up with this idea that we can simply “punch that fear in the face” because, of course, we cannot admit weakness.

The problem is, all this fighting of fear often leads to fear actually growing stronger! And we are back where we started, or even further behind.

So what can we do?

Befriend your fear!

Just like at Tri Swim Coach we talk about “Befriending the water”, this concept can take you further faster, and allow you to “flow” with your stroke, with the water, as well as make your training an exciting adventure instead of a frustrating task.

Most of us actually have to get over a fear of deep water (I did myself, I still rememeber thinking the drains at the bottom of the pool were going to suck me in!)

This is so common and I see it as hidden in plain sight when it comes to the beginners.

If you currently have this fear, try these steps:

Accept this fear at a deep level and make it your friend. Realize that this is your brain trying to protect you. Say “Thanks” and move to resolve it.

Start with just standing in the shallow end of the pool and put your face in the water. Easy! This will help your brain to eventually understand you are not in danger.

Blow bubbles. Yes, it’s goofy, but it works!

Go down to deeper levels in the water. Little by little, until you are at the bottom of the pool. This also teaches your brain that everything is safe!

Stay at the bottom for a bit, 10 seconds, 20 seconds, etc. Ease into this!

Use fins and kick over the shallow end, then later the deep end of the pool.

Little by little, the fear steps aside, and you will find yourself easily swimming with no panic setting in.

If you treat it (and yourself) with full respect and empathy, you can have amazing break throughs.

If you try to “punch it in the face”, it may grow stronger, and you will be fighting an un-winnable battle.

This strategy of befriending fear can be used at any level, any part of your race, any part of your life.

And while it’s maybe not as catchy as getting in a boxing ring to deal with your fear, it actually works, and will make you a stronger, more resiliant, more empathetic person in the process.

Just keep swimming.

The post How to win by NOT “punching fear” appeared first on Triathlon Swim Training.

from Sports https://www.triswimcoach.com/how-to-win-by-not-punching-fear/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

#sports

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hellolittlemarshmallow-blog · 8 years ago

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Story Of my younger days

When i was young, i was already forced to be independent. I remembered vividly how my parents will only send me off to school only on the first few days of school, teaching me how to cross the road and going back and to school during pre-school years. I remembered how i almost got hit by a mercez which was speeding down the slope out of the carpark area and how i was lucky that i am quick enough to dash out of the way. By the time i'm in Primary school years, I am already learning how to go back by bus (by myself) use the fare card and alighting which bus stop. I remembered how i i used to challenge myself to walk back home, prep with my choco pie and a packet drink, but i began to regret that idea halfway though the journey back home. hahaha! because it was really very far for a small child like me. By the time i am home, i would see my grandma there doing her thing and i would quickly change to play outdoors because i am getting bored to death at home. It became habit to stay out of home to explore the world outside my house area. Each day i would discover new things and pushing the boundaries. I would challenge myself to ride my dad's bicycle which i can barely touch the floor to break or even to hold it stationary. i need a platform (which is the letter box platform or the playground sand platform area to break/stop the bike). that is how high the bike is! I would also wonder further away from the house with my bike around the estate. i would challenge myself to walk on the railling, to climb up the roof of the playground and jump off from it. I remembered i tripped from a 2nd floor staircase (which was quite high for the small size me) and the first thing i did next was to drop and roll down the steps! I am surprised that nothing happened to me. not even a bruised. I guess I was fortunate to be protected but the al-mighty allah swt. the funny thing was that, i went straight up and do it again! The two most silliest thing that ive done was 1) I took my dad's bike WHICH I CANT REACH THE FLOOR TO BREAK, down a slope. to make it worst, the end of the slope has a playground filled with sand. i have to quickly switched to the left or right of the playground OR! I would craashed into the playground. So can you guess what happenend next? Yes! I CRASHED! I hit the curb, my bike flipped and i flew up in the air... But I was unharmed! Alhamdulillah.. 2) literally running up a wall with a goal to touch the "no soccer/bicycle" signage!!! and i did reached the top of it not with my hands but my feet touched it! but i rememebered that there was this two sec paused when im like 2 plus metres off the ground. Suddenly i thought to myself "Oh! crap" then gravity took over! WHATWAS I THINKING!!! I felt that intense feeling of pain on my back as i fell hard to the ground. And again i am fortunate that I am alive today with no broken bones! it was fun times for me :) Anw.. My younger days has alot of painful experience. Not because of this experience that i've discuss earlier but with my mother and the most of it was my grandmother. All a remembered was canes, painful pinches and words that saying i am "dumb clumsy idiot . . . ." it was on repeat. The results, I failed badly in school, I was always scared of making mistakes, Self blamed and all of the other things that comes along with it. overall, i lost my self esteem. I hated myself and i don't dare to be me. just be that quite person so thati wont get canned. i remembered how i wish i could grow up fast so that i could be bigger and defend myself and all of these violence could stop. A note to self, Never do that to your children. Always ask then first what happened before hitting them. always give them attention and love.

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revancheofthecommas · 5 years ago

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Admitting When You’re Wrong to Kids

I’ve been a Kindergarten teacher for a few years now and I’ve definitely started to notice something common among teachers (including myself at times): we don’t like being proven wrong. I don’t know if it’s because we feel like we’re supposed to know all the answers and we’re failing if we don’t or if it’s just stubbornness of not wanting a to be outsmarted by a 5 year old.

However, I’ve discovered this year more than any other the POWER OF ADMITTING WHEN YOU’RE WRONG. Or even, the power to admit you need help.

First off, it is NEVER a wise thing to get in an argument with a 5 year old. As an adult, it’s important to model how to calmly resolve conflict in a fair way. That being said, it does happen. Kids are going to want to argue that “they never get a turn” or “that’s not what my mom said,” etc. Typically, I give a concise answer, like “That’s not true, your friends O and J haven’t gotten a turn either and you’ll get to have a turn after S” or something along those lines.

Today (we’re in summer camp), I was going over our daily schedule and telling them about our field trip tomorrow when one boy (who loves to argue lol) tell me, “No, we’re going to ___.” I assured him we weren’t and moved on from the subject, but kept it in the back of my mind. When we were at playground I spotted our coordinator and called out for them. When I asked them where we were going tomorrow, I found out Leo (not real name) was right. I shouted out, “Leo, I was wrong, you were right.” and he called back, “I told you!” and went back to playing. I lost no authority or face in the exchange, simply just acknowledged I was wrong and he was right.

There have been other times this year that has happened, and I realized today that every time, it’s worked out great. Like the time I was having a hard time pronouncing the more difficult dinosaur names so I would try a few times then ask our class’ dinosaur expert J how to say it. It validated his own knowledge and made him feel confident. Then when we were doing a unit on transportation and we reading a train book, I called on our class’ train expert M to show off some of his knowledge. Turns out that thing on the front of trains is called a “cow catcher,” who’d of thunk?

There was also times on called on help from the class in searching for missing items (sometimes my own lol) and they loved to help and times I wasn’t able to do something. Today I was trying to screw off the cap to one of our sprayers (we have 2 sprayer-fans we use in the summer to help cool off in the heat) and could not for the life of me get it off. I finally admitted to the gaggle of children around me I accepted their help, and with 3 or 4 kids switching off loosening it, we were able to get it off. I did for a second think, “I hope they don’t realize they might be stronger than me together,” but that thought went out just as quickly when we all cheered together.

Each year I feel like I learn more and more about myself as a teacher. My first year was about learning to get my teacher voice (my real-life friends think it’s scary) and that a kid calling me mean or telling me they hate me is not the end of the world. In fact, it’s usually the kids that need the most boundaries and I end up getting closest to by the end of the year. They also are EXTREMELY quick to forgive.

My second year I learned the crazy-eyes teacher look and other litttle classroom management tricks. I also got a LOT better at transitions. I was late WAY less than I was the year before.

This year, I’ve learned admitting when I’m wrong, asking for more help, and not putting it all on myself. I feel I still have a lot to learn, but that’s what excites me about teaching.

Each year is different and presents its own challenges. I have scars from being bitten and scratched. I can turn off the emotions in my face and calmly tell a student, “You’re ok, I got you” when there is blood gushing out of their nose while internally going “HOLY SHIT! That’s so much blood!” I can also clean up vomit, even in a hot bus, when every other teacher is ready to throw up themselves from the smell (turns out it doesn’t effect me for some reason). I never call my kids bad, and if they call themselves that, I tell them, “You just made a bad choice, you’ll do better next time.” Now I know, that also applies to me.

Heck, there’s been times I’ve had a bad day and done something stupid. The biggest example that comes to mind is when I knocked over an entire jug of milk on accident. All my kids were on the carpet and I snapped. I threw the dry-erase marker at the ground, breaking the lid. I took a few deep breaths. Then I turned around and said, “I’m sorry about that, I was rushing to grab something and knocked it over. Sometimes when you’re angry you feel like you need to get it out, right? Well, in that case, you can punch a pillow or tear a piece of paper, but the important thing is you don’t hurt another persons body. Markers and paper can’t feel pain, but people can.” I then went and cleaned up the mess. The kids were pretty silent throughout. They still bring it up sometimes and say, “Rememeber when you got so mad you broke a marker?!” I simply tell them, “Yeah I remember, do you ever get mad like that?” and I’ll get some interesting stories cause the answer is always yes.

I’ve rambled on enough for now, maybe I’ll tell some other stories another time.

#kindergartners #kindergarten

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kaitshoe-blog · 6 years ago

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Blog Post #2

What helps me to rememeber things is when I repeat things to myself over and over again. What also helps me rememember things is if I correlate information I need to know for a test into an acronym. What I can do in a classroom to help my students remember is to make learning fun. I think when students have fun while learning it gets stuck in their head better and they have a better grasp of what they are learning. I also think that it helps when students collaborate with each other and work in small groups with one another and feed information off of each other. I believe that that promotes a good learning environment. It is important to think about our cognitive abilities relative to our memory because when we use our cognitive skills then we retain information better. Also when I am planning on teaching especially new material it is important that I really make my thoughts clear and precise and easy for the students to grasp. I think that using technology in the classroom can be very helpful. I think that if a stduent has more of a visual learnign style, being able to see pictures and draw things on the computer might help the student see things in a better way. I also think that if the students spend way to much time on the computers then they will become easily distracted. I think it is important as future teachers to let students use technology but make sure there is a time limit. I think it is important as future teachers to recognize the fact that all students learn differntly and each of them might be at a differnt level. I want to push my students to do the very best that they can while also making sure that they have fun while doing it.

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poeticfinessesperspective · 6 years ago

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This Here Song.

Palms Hotel.

Exactly where I first encountered this specific song.

And in that instant, a teardrop left my eye, while the actual person I was with may have also been too reminiscent to notice just what had been happening. A young tear dropped, discreetly, not by choice but because of the pain behind such a painful and broken relationship.

Here is why.

If you listen closely, you hear that Jabulani (Sjava) is actually letting his tears out, that he cannot be around his mother - especially for a grown man.

The deepest part about this, is the actual fact that my mother is exactly 50 kms away from me, yet we have the most demonic and toxic union to ever be brought on this Earth for the both of us to coexist, and i have learnt that it is a result of all burdens I chose to carry on her behalf without making consent with my emotions and well being first. It's always easier to blame the parents for your shortcoming but what we have always done to our mentalilities too is take the fall for our parents shortcomings and made them the basis of our day to day living. I rememeber having a conversation with a friend of mine and he went on to express his deep felt and deep rooted anger towards his father and cursed the day he ever crossed his mom. 😳😳😢

FULLY UNDERSTOOD he has every right to be angry at the fact that he grew to witness all that was passed down to you without a choice, but does he have a right to make it HIS burden??? Read the question again. Let it sink in.

Does he have a right to make the burden of his anger his own? Thats what I am basically getting at. Look, I had to learn the hard way, that there is no such thing as deep rooted burdens. It's actually all a result of the emotions we harboured that ultimately it became embodied in our charecters INCOHERENTLY

That's literally it -

Growing up, a person had to other eyes, what was deemed worthy for growth and a stepping stone of jealousy for those around me, yet what is most amazing is that, these were objects and assets of the earth that were just thrown at me by my grandparents as a distraction from the true issue at hand - the fact that i had an absent mother and father. Concurrently at the same time, I was faced with two deadbeats at one go. Hard pill to swallow but definitely my reality. I was engraved with the teachings of an orphan at such an early age, yet, as much as I had been given "everything" it widened the sense of "nothing"

Fast forward a few years later, i finally get a chance to live with my mom, start a life i never had with her, in a whole new city. WORST MISTAKE I COULD HAVE EVER MADE because that was actually the beginning of our ticking time bomb. I wouldnt have known the hardships she may have endured in my absence, or the pain she had experienced, but to come back as to nothing had ever transpired forced a certain level of anger in me, that every conversation between the both of us felt like an open lie detector test, because i chose to burden myself with the pain of my parents' decisions, that ultimately, the only thing left to do is create a demonic approach and dimension to our love for each other. To a point where it broke me, tore me into shreads that even defiling my skin, playing around with overdoses and dancing with the angel of death whip sharing cocktails with the devil felt like a never-ending bond and ball of happiness that I signed my name up on that contract without reconfirming the fine print.

Yes, your first thought would be suicide, but sadly, ITS NOT - I just had fun cutting myself. Numbing my pain with more pain. The high feeling that erupts as you cut yourself whose drugged up on uncollected amounts of pain killer capsule powders, the mirror all snowed up like a cocaine empire, here, not a single feeling of fear evokes, nor a splinter of pain as the blade goes deeper and that was when reality struck.

I may have thought, that I had people hurt, numb, high and as lightheaded as me, but in turn I actually realized, I was hurting myself the most, that the only person responsible for the way I conduct things, and let them rule me, is definitely by choice, how I react to the circumstance was by decision, how I carry myself, was my doing, what burdens me was by consideration. . .

Now, back to my question.

IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CARRY THE BURDENS OF MY PARENTS' MISTAKES.

#TBC^^

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xottzot · 6 years ago

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2018--SEPT-21st-2018-Friday--nnon-afternoon---more utter crap in this hellhole making my life HELL.

I am NOT joking or making this up.....

The UTTER HELL and SHIT I am supposed to live in here and be 'happy', and I have lived in this SHIT since 1968 or so........FFS......

MORE shit happened today, that had me personally going out and fixing the shit, from shit that's been going on that I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH AT ALL....

THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MANY DECADES!

And EVERYTIME I am dealing with a person and tell them this, they have NO IDEA AT ALL and do NOT WANT TO WAIT AROUND AND LISTEN TO ME.....

And for COUNTLESS DECADES I HAVE ASKED THEM CONSTANTLY TO CHANGE THEIR RECORDS........,some nod and be polite, others just think I'm crazed (I'm fucking well long past the end of my tether just on THIS SHIT ALONE.....)

And so is poor Sam and poor Max...and which dear Fliss (and her cohorts) has NO IDEA OR WANTS TO KNOW AND WHO BLAMES ME FOR EVERYTHING.......

Poor Max thought dear Fliss had returned here YET AGAIN and AND DEMANDED TO BE LET OUT, so after I let them outside, then back in again so he could see for himself that dear Fliss isn't 'hiding' in the backyard or something....he returned GROWLING AND VERY VERY VERY UPSET AGAIN....AND SO WAS DEAR SAM......

GO ON. FUCKING WELL BLAME ME FOR THAT WHY DON'T YOU! - ME BEING BLAMED FOR SHIT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MANY DECADES......

And I told THAT PERSON THIS AFTERNOON...AND OF COURSE THEY HAD NO IDEA AND JUST WANTED TO GO TO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DO THEIR JOB, A JOB, their task, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME........

I was polite and cordial and non-threatening as I tried to teach this person just a tiny snippet of the HELL I am subjected to EVEN WHEN I'M JUST LAYING DOWN ON MY BED AND TRYING TO REST!

Oh yes, they were apprehensive, and wanted nopbody to see how foolish they were at making THEIR mistake, so they quickly left. They always do. (EVEN POLICE DO THIS OVER THE YEARS AND HATE TO BE SEEN TO BE SO WRONG FOR SUCH A 'SIMPLE' THING BECAUSE IT CALLS INTO QUESTION BEFORE OTHERS OF THEIR INTEGRITY AND INTELLIGENCE....

(I have no argument or concerns with Police, don't get me wrong.)

And poor Max inside heard me quietly talking to that person outside and thought I was talking to dear Fliss. I HAD to let poor Sam and poor Max outside afterwards because they were so happy and desperate to greet dear Fliss (WHO WAS NOT THERE!!!)......and then they came back inside GROWLING AND VERY VERY VERY UPSET....

AND NONE OF THIS IS MY FUCKING FAULT!!!

If I don't let them out, poor Sam and poor Max are so wound up inside that they'll wet the floor....AND I GET THE FUCKING BLAME FOR THAT!!!!

I have been telling people for so MANY FUCKING YEARS, that even if I just sit here and be totally quiet and do nothing, I STILL GET THE BLAME AND SUFFER FOR SHIT FOR THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!

ANY AND EVERYONE I have told ANY of this too, they just mutter to me why don't I (ME, MYSELF) remedy it all by doing X, or doing Y, or doing Z...WELL FUCK YOU ALL...I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT AND SO MUCH MORE FOR FUCKING DECADES and STILL NOTHING changes about all this shit.....I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING PROPER AND POLITE and STILL I get utter shit......

And meanwhile the one(s) who CAN fix it all DOES ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING!!!!

If I DARE to delay or otherwise hold-up or stop being an unpaid REDIRECTION FUCKING SERVICE...I GET POLICE ON MY FUCKING DOOR BANGING AND DEMANDING TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON!! -- AND THE POLICE DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN BECAUSE THEY ONLY BELIEVE THE OTHER PARTY AND NEVER ME, DESPITE ME ALWAYS TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH AND THEM SEEING THAT!!! -- THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR DECADES!!!

YOU don't believe it. - NOBODY FUCKING BELIEVES IT. OFFICIALS who have the power to change things for the better DO FUCKING NOTHING despite promising me TO MY FACE they will...FOR DECADE AFTER DECADE AFTER DECADE......

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It's turning into Summer, the weather is changing...but it's NOT yet Summer, and there's still horrid Spring to get through before being into deathly Summer......

And there's STILL some rain to come apparently.....maybe...or they'll have probably called all THAT off soon enough when they decide to wipe off their breath-stained weather crystal ball.........

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I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you. Always rememeber that and don't listen to the bastards who tell you lies even shit to your face too as they do to me.

But YOU have been tossed aside and given up on by others.....just remember THAT...and they DO lie to you...a lot.....a helluva lot.....

All ditto to poor Cath too....

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Splitting headache now...AGAIN...especially since I WAS going to just lay down on our bed but even THAT I am not allowed.......FFS........

Dear Fliss, no wonder you lost the plot and ruined our lives.....lives that were also going to be good for others...BUT WE ARE NOT ALLOWED......

That'll be on my gravestone if I ever have one......NEVER EVER ALLOWED...and BLAMED FOR TRYING......BLAMED FOR LOVING...BLAMED FOR CARING.....BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING SO EVERYONE ELSES CAN LIVE BLAMELESS PATHETIC LIVES.....

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you.

...and NOW BEGINS AS I WRITE THIS the fucking HUGE ENDLESS PARADE of LOW FLYING LOUD JET AIRCRAFT OVER THIS HOVEL AT THIS HELLHOLE LANDING CLOSE...AND SLEEP WILL BE DENIED AGAIN........AND I'LL BE BLAMED FOR THAT....AGAIN.......

FFS....

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feathercanyon · 7 years ago

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i havent been to therapy since before the christmas. i was feeling well enough but after the dissertation hand in i felt the thud a bit and i might organise for another visit. the dissertation even though it was challenging, menatally t gave me something intense to concentrate on which helped with my anxiety. i feel i have more power about standing up for myself, trust in myself that wasnt there before. it has taken me a number of years to find someone who broke my barrier. i understand it wasnt them it was me, but it was the connecion. i want to tell everyone i love them more. i feel like love has always been a big side of my feelings, what brings me up and what brings me down.i feel a personal instant deep connection with people which causes me to shut down alot of the time. its like i can feel everybodys presence in all of the beating hearts all around me and it makes me feel a longing inside. it can scare me away and make me feel invisible but it is curious. i ahve always been curious about my mind and i dont know if thats a good or bad thing possibly both. people are beautiful and i am learning. all i want to do is hold everybodys hand and hug and dance but that is not how the world is. i feel like a child and that people think i am reserved and weird but im trying to play the game everybody else is playing. i have taught myself not to scream and sing and laugh uncontrollably. because people told me not to. i rememeber in primary school i cut my knee, gushing blood and when the teacher was trying to clean it she had to hold me down as i was laughing and kicking with so much excitment. But people told me to calm down, to pay attention, to not be so freakishly happy or crazy,. started growing up and when i hit 16 rape comes into the picture. i have lost my pink, i have lost a part of myself and this project is an attempt to mend the longing of childhood - to teach myself to find the benefits in real life. to find that place of understanding and confidence. the world waits ahead and i cant waste any more time being this scared.

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gaymilkytea · 7 years ago

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lmao i just realized that im a lot like shaun in regards to how i feel about death and loving things after death

I never thought about why i’m so emotionally detached after the initial death of something or someone I love, and rewatching that scene helped me realize why

it’s because in my mind, you cant love something thats dead. You dont love it anymore if it doesn’t exist. thats why after the day of the death i feel almost nothing until something happens that reminds me of the pain of that day. I dont cry for whatever died, i cry rememebering how painful it was. It probably sounds really cold and awful, but at least now I don't beat myself up because I dont grieve like others do

the good doctor continues to teach me things about myself and help me connect the dots in why i do things and how its connected to my autism

#wow like what a revelation #i would only cry about it later on if someone i cared about started crying because of hyper empathy #but like thats why i don't feel anything when i think about my cat who passed away #i just think well i cant love her anymore shes not alive #like i DID love her but i dont anymore #personal

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persephonesdeadflowers · 8 years ago

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A Letter

How do you begin such a personal letter to yourself and to those who’ve impacted your life to the point of breaking? It’s a letter to heal myself, to finally start to let go because God knows I’ve never let go of anything in my life.

I’m a hoarder of feelings, emotions, memories. Good or bad. Mostly bad I suppose. The good gets pushed back to a corner. It’s human nature, in a sense, to bring to the forefront all the negative connotations in our lives. But my oh my is it damaging in the long run. It’s cutting really, tiny fragments of glass that cut at your mind, your heart, your soul slowly, constantly, in the bigger picture of life. A shattered glass bowl, the ornate design lost forever.

To digress, I don’t believe I’ve been happy since I was a little girl. A part of me felt even then that she wasn’t enough. Imagine that, a child thinking she wasn’t enough for the world. Cruel stuff, such an ugly mindset. I was never the pretty fragile little girl with the cute pigtailed hair or the sweet smile. I was never tiny either. I was a heavyset child with such a complexity issue and an already growing bad relationship with food. Food was a comfort but also a punishment. There was never a balance. Being a big girl comes with it’s immediate downfalls. I was taunted, in some ways tormented. Maybe I don’t remember much of what was said because I’ve long since tried to forget, and succeded. But I still remember crying, eating and crying, eating and crying. My body issues most definitely began here, at the tender ages of development. My feelings of worthlessness and insecurity took hold. I became a shy, quiet older child. A drastic change from the young child that participated in school plays, was in choir, wasn’t afraid to speak in public. At age 9 I didn’t think I’d made it past the age of 18. I’m not going to ever deny that I had suicidial thoughts at age 9. Age 9. Some of my exhuberance for life lost before I’d even been in this world for a decade. I felt the world was against me, that even God himself hated me. That I should have never had even been born. That this world was better off without me. How I wish I could go back and hug that little girl, and tell her she was wrong for thinking like that. She could have used that.

As we move on, through early adolesence, I can’t say I rememeber much. It becomes a blur. They were stupid times, not much sticks. But I know I got worse. I felt even uglier, with my appearance, my way of thinking. Growing pains they say. Pains indeed. I was 12 when I had my first true depressive episode. At the time I didn’t know what it was, all I remember is feeling very sad, at loss for wanting to do anything I liked doing. A simple explanation really. Coupled with already already present issues and well, it was a lot for me to handle. Somehow I managed to pull through. At least I think I did, I really don’t know for certain that I ever did. Like mentioned before I don’t rememeber much from these years, in terms of what came to break me later on anyways.

Now this isn’t only a letter to myself, but also to some others. Partially to blame, to forgive, and to let go. And it’s also an apology. I won’t use names, but that’s not important. I know who I’m speaking about, all you need to do is read.

Hey there Curly, I wasn’t sure if I should have included you on here, you’ve long since been forgiven. And I don’t consider you a point in my breaking. I think the love I had for you covered the fact that you did hurt me even a little. What broke us apart? A petty fight was it? It amuses me a little even now. I still wish it had never happened. We were the best of friends, attacthed at the hip. So very obviously good for one another, at least at that time long passed. This an apology, I’m sorry for that fight. I wish we’d made up. I know 14 year old me would have loved that, as much as she thought she loved you. But I don’t regret the way things happened with you. As I write this I don’t actually think you meant that much. But I was a little girl with a stupid cruch on her best friend. Oh the cliche. So yeah you made me cry, but you weren’t the worst. And I apologize because I never knew if I hurt you. You couldn’t deny that you liked me even a little bit too when we fell apart. I’m sorry, and I still remember you fondly.

Now, Pretty Eyes, you were the first. By that I mean the first to bring me to tears over the fact that I didn’t understand why you stopped being my friend out of the blue. Had it been something I said, something I said? I know that friendships don’t last forever, especially not school friendships. But we didn’t fall apart naturally or even for a reason that I could have apologized for. And even then, I did ask or forgiveness. You left me without the person I felt closest too. And for no reason. Pretty Eyes, I know you think I’m being stupid. It was so long ago, and yeah I get that, but I never got closure. And you ended up pushing me into a friendship with a girl that left me in a far worse state than you ever did. I think that’s the real issue of why I don’t rememeber you with a pink light. Becasue you were the catalyst of my destrucion. And you never even found out. I forgive you for what you did, but I don’t think I forgive you for what ended up happening because of you. But I wish you the best, for you and your son.

Dear ex-whatever, potential boyfriend that never was, Idiot. Idiot, way harsh right? It’s really the only way I can refer to you, even if it’s not so nice. I can’t believe I thought you loved me. Such naitivity, such foolishness. I should have said no to even being your friend. Becasue we could never be just friends. There was too much dynamic, I could never explain it, and even now it makes no sense to me as to why it had to be you. There was no neutrality. It was love or it was hate. I guess I was so enchanted, blindly enchanted. Now I know I was an out for something you didn’t want. That poor girl, no wonder she seemed to hate me. Come on now, I was even called a homewrecker for God’s sake. But you loved me didn’t you? That was sarcasm by the way. You loved eveything about me. My brashness, the way I spoke my mind, even the way I looked. But it wasn’t love, it was lust. I was a challenge for you. So different from the other girls and you had to have me. Ever the hunter, huh? And you played the part so well. You made me feel like I was the everything in your life. You put me on a pedestal. I’m not going to deny that It felt amazing. Feeling that I was your goddess, something sacred, an alter on which you swore your life to. The higher you are the worse the fall so they say. It’s true. I lived it. I was stupid. And it broke my heart. You broke my heart and then you stepped on it. Couldn’t you tell that my brashness, my fight, was all a front? That I was vulnerable and soft and full of love. I wanted to love you so much, to give you what I had never given to anyone before. A sweet affection that I never thought I could give to anyone. But that wasn’t your goal. Oh sure you played the part, but you were acting, you never wanted what I presumed you did.I tricked myself into loving you, that’s what I know now. But it was doomed from the beginning. I always knew it, but I ignored it. I shouldn’t have. It messed me up. But what was I to you really? Did you think that if I became your girlfriend you could sleep with me? You were wrong there. And so you tired of me. You started to push me away. Slowly then all at once. I never got closure from you, you didn’t think I deserved it. I would have understood. I liked you that much, and I would have readily accepted just being your friend. I wanted the best for you. Even if it wasn’t me. I cried for weeks. I didn’t eat. I wanted you back, some crazy part of me wanted you back. Thank God it never happened. Two years had to pass before I could feel like I could even begin to think about someone new that way, in a true romantic sense. Even then I still think they’d want me just to sleep with me. Which makes no sense, it’s not like I’m some beauty. Idiot, Idiot, Idiot, if only you’d stuck by me and actually cared. I would have given you the world, bent the rules and not cared about a single thing. But no. No, no, no. And oh, look, it was no secret, but you so had a thing with SheSnake, my own bestfriend. Both of you, disgusting. I don’t for one second wish I could have you back, you are so long gone from my heart like that, I’d never take you back even if you begged. Screw you for having done that. I forgive you for teaching me that not all that shines is valuable, but screw you for being my fool’s gold. I wish you well, but I never want to see you again.

SheSnake. You at one point were a sister to me. You and I, so alike yet so different. Pretty Eyes pushed me into you. You took me in when you saw how desolate I was at losing her. For that I am thankful. I’m thankful for the frienship you gave me for two years. We seemed to have a forged a bond stronger than anything. I loved you so very dearly you stuppid girl. I was there for you throught your ups and downs. And you were there for me to. When you neede someone to cry to I was your shoulder to cry on. You became my sister so very quickly, how I wish you never had. I was happy to be there for you. When Big Head wanted you as his girl, man did I hype you up. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted you to be haappy. I didn’t see your faults, how you would ultimately breaak him. Or maybe I did, but I just didn’t want to admit it. But that’s his story to tell or keep. What you did to him, it’s not for me to judge you on, even if I was in the midst of it all. But let me tell you something. If it hadn’t been for me, there would have been no you or him. In a way I feel so bad for knowing that. I could have spared him the heartache. There was always cracks between us. You made me feel bad about myself from time to time, yes you were qucki to say sorry, but it was meaningless. I heard your whispers. You were the one that began to call me a homewrecker. You claimed it was all igood fun, but a friend doesn’t do that to her friend. You would whisper about how no one would ever actually love me, that I could never find anyone. That I’d end up alone. Some of this you even said to me, “jokingly” of course. But it wasn’t a joke to you was it. I still hear your words loud and clear in my head, even today. I don’t comprehend how I stayed through that. It wasn’t healthy. But at some point I guess I ddin’t have much a choice socially. I needed someone. I should have known it would end badly with when the Two came along. It seemed like it would be good. We’d be four, no longer just us two. It was the worse thing ever. Was The Frist threatened by me that she ad to instigate what finally broke us? And you, how could you believe her? Well, plainly speaking, you did call me a homwewrecker, it would make sense that you thought I was the one that broke you and Big Head up the second time, or had it been the third time? . But how stupid, I know you had to lie to youerslef to belive that. But it worked. You convicned yourself that I was a slut, a whore, a boyfriend stealer. Please, if I had wanted Big Head I could have so had him for myself without you ever getting into the picture. And that’s not even to brag, it’s just some truth on the matter. But I could have never done that to you. Even if you had done it to me.You didn’t even have the guts to confront me. How I wish I had taken the lead in that. How I still wish I could have yeled at you ancd yelled and yelled. I wanted to scream at you so badly. Over what I don’t exactly know, but maybe just e verything. But you got what you wanted. I lost all the friends I had and you had everyone believe that what you were saying was true. Thank God there wasonly two weeks of hell left if not I think I would have cracked. Cracked sooner anyways. Because of you, damn, because of you I think is why I hold so much resentment in my head. Sometimes when I cry, I cry over your betrayal. And your words, all of them. I only want to see you once more. Just to slap you. Just once. Let’s hope I never do. But I forgive you, stupid girl, may life never treat you the way you’ve ever treated everyone else. God knows you have your own issues you need to work through. I even feel sorry for you.

And back to me. I’ve been of no help to myself either. Always hating myself, what’s the good in that? At one point supressing all my feelings because I thought I was weak if I had feelings. Where’s the weakness in showing vulnerability. How messed up to think that way. And on top of that to starve yourself because you just wanted to be skinny. It’s such a nasty habit and I still have it. I still have it. As I write this I’ve only had one meal because I feel like I need to punish myself for being depressed, for having anxiety attacks, for being a bundle of nerves and stress. I can’t forgive myself for being so broken as a person. I’m sorry mother and father, that you have to let those close to you know that I’m depressed, that you have to whisper it when you say it, that you have to look at me a little differently now. But you should have known. And yet you don’t know it all. For the few friends I have right now, those that truly care, I’m sorry if I get into any weird moods or if I cease contact. It’s all a little to much for me sometimes. Boyfriend, I’m sorry if I’m a little too much, you might not want to handle it. I wish I could be someone else for you. I want to get through this and be everything for you, because you deserve that more than anyone that I’ve met in my life. But should you chose to ever leave I would never blame you. And I forgive you for thinking you could ever fail me, I’ve failed you more I think. I’ll always love you, and I should have waited for you instead of thinking there could ever be another. I’ll always love you, and I think I always have loved you. It makes no sense to not see it that way. It’s rough right now, but I don’t want to give up on you and I don’t want you to give up on me. Yet there’s no pressure, in the end, I’ll be here, whatever you want.

This is the end of this letter because there’s not much more than I can write. My self feels less .... burdened because finally I’ve put it out in words to the world about some reasons why I am the way I am. It’s not the end. But it’s a begging to the end. I will get through this. One day I will love myself the way I should and put it allbehind me and move forward like I want to. Changes, changes. It’s the process of letting go. The first letter of many.

#personal #letter 1

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ionproton · 8 years ago

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What if...

I have no clue...I just know that the outcome is heaven for all of this realm and that realm and his realm and her realm. Our realm. Their realm. My realm. Your realm.

Know who is real angry?

The banker who thought the tanker was just a canker sore.

Sore loser? Careful word chooser...

Beating himself,

WHAT DO YOU DO HERE?

Today feels like it is going to be a good day.

Ice Cube?

Is that you?

There's always money in the banana stand.

Alright now you guys are fucking with me.

(Friends walk out into the sunset and all have ice cream. Stone and Parker sigh of relief. Butters had no idea what was really cooking in Pistol Pete's keep.)

"Uhhh...that would be a reef there chief keef evens the toll. Sup nephew, we need to defeat my neice. She keeps the keys in me and I always sense defeat. Sit E sideways, looks like a W to me. Manifest destiny...man if established with rose covered tablets can manage to paint canvas played out by actors. Everyone is after the fortune and fame, forgetting laughter. They don't rustle my Jimmies even skinny margaritas got pieces.

Steve found Jesus and just as he got to it...there was a convincing argument that he shouldn't be in charge of it.

They claimed he was inadequate, shit just ain't adding up.

Unphased by the change...brain waves made him stay.

To communicate God is alive and well today.

Crazy is love, we wept for some days.

Still felt unworthy, he hurt in his Way.

The audience grips the seat tightly....what next will he say?"

Yeah...I don't know. I have so much more of this shit...don't know what it means. But I may know quantum mechanics and time-travel...I'm not sure. Y'all are fucking with me, right? Is this one of those jokes that I pull on myself? People better get a pay raise and stuff...

"Wait...what are you gonna do with the monies?"

Prove a point.

"What point is that?"

The real wealth has always been inside you. All of you. I am who I am because my students believe in me, even when I don't believe in me. Seems they teach me stuff now.

(Goes for a cigarette...)

Steve: "Let it go. For real...."

"What is it?"

Steve: "The anger fool. It fucks with the pipeline and in no time may be the reason why someone drops the dime."

"Well what if it's you?"

Steve: "Dawg, my sis is Skye blue. And if there was one thing Oscar knew in me to be true...ain't nobody realer than the Steeler in you. Me and my krew we do what we do. Steve has had jobs with bars since elementary school. Test me dude. I flew the cuckoo nest but didn't keep a thing for me yet. Whatever I have, bet, is sent to scar where my heart burrows. Sparrows make arrows, service provider serve ice nine inside. Reality sucks. I'm staying on the other side. Lost in dimensions most folk won't comprehend. Why was this power given to me then?"

Bugs: (bites carrot) "Uhhh, this document isn't the doc you meant to send...so how does today's story end? There is no way this can ever make sense."

Josh: "Life is crazy."

Death: "I need someone...come on."

Steve: "Well, shit...I did say that if there was trouble I would go first...didn't I? Well, to all of you here...I guess it's my time to die. Not gonna lie...I did a long time ago."

(Puzzled look.)

Steve: "No one understood the idea behind augmented reality, huh?"

Mark: "What should we do?"

Steve: "Burn one?"

Ben: "Stay frosty, my friends!"

Seriously I have no idea what I am doing. I need to think about everyone who needs to succeed first before I do this. I've got soo much writing to transfer.

(Rememebers the bill...)

Steve: "Shit! I forgot I have what I need. I can take a break. Otherwise I'll just be typing nonsense. Nothing but fire bars from this billy goat."

Thanks Mark for Steve. He is my brother from another mother and best friend. Think I am going to AUstin today...new Lamborghini yet?

Hater: "But, you haven't done anything...it is just cryptic bullshit."

Apparently now I get a crappy parade. Sweet. Add NOLA to the list. That last sentence means more to me than most people would ever understand. I just created like three universes.

I will drop this shit one day. I just hope I have earned the respect and trust of everyone that when I do...you'll help me back up. But, the promise I keep if there is one that I make...the party don't stop for team God. Just...please...don't....eh, fuck it...I am grounded regardless. I am going to get in so much trouble.

"Why?"

Cause this is the word coming from God and I can't monetize that with this it wouldn't be right. So what's left, my friend?

#hopewarrior

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