#tc hazell

[carrotcakecrumble]

WIP snippet tag

Thanks to @mademoiselle-red for the tag!!!

——————

I turn, rest my bottom against the dull, hard curve of the sink basin, fold my arms. My hips are the focal point, pushed out in front of me so they jut. He’s looking, so I pretend not to notice. I wish my pyjama trousers weren’t quite so bobbly.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask. I leave the tear streaks, pink and lustrous as I hope they are, on my cheeks. Some of it’s partly from not wanting to bring the attention that wiping them away would bring, partly because I like the drama of them. Why was I crying? Dramatic little queer. That’s why. That’s who I am. It’s what I do. Look at me.

“Sky’s a trifle grey. Maybe we could have an inside day,” he says. He’s foaming his chin up with white shaving cream, pressing into me and leaning past my shoulder to examine himself in the mirror. He smells dull and muted, hardly even there beneath the bright spring-like tang of the soap. I lick a line of it clean, just next to his ear. It tastes sour and chemically, feels slapstick. It’d make a good scene in a film. Or, no, he turns his head and presses his face against mine and whispers ‘behave’ and all of a sudden there’s a twinge in my stomach and I’ll do anything for him. My lips and nose and chin and somehow my left eyelid are imprinted with his shaving foam and the dull, prickling sensation of his stubble. That’d make a good scene. That’d make a really good scene. One of those suggestive, ephemeral, homo-erotic ones I obsess myself with catching out when I go to the pictures. He turns away again and re-loads the brush, filling in the gaps on his face with scratchy-sounding little swirls.

“And do what?” I ask. He drops the foam brush and pinches his razor from the tooth-mug, swishing it beneath the tap.

“S’your home,” he says, puckering his lips to the side, combing the razor over his cheek. The cream skin underneath is revealed like a stroke of paint, “you’ll know better than I.”

“Well,” I lean close, breath hot air onto the sensitive, freshly naked skin, “I know what I want to do.”

He doesn’t react, I wait but there’s nothing, not even a glance. Maybe he didn’t understand.

“Are your people in?” He asks, quite matter-of-factly.

“Couldn’t say.”

“Well, not if they’re in,” so he understood. He just didn’t care.

I lean my face against his unbuttoned pyjama shirt, pat it dry with soft, rolling movements of my neck. A bit like a nuzzling kitten, milk dripping from it’s whiskers. His milk. It excites me just to think the words.

“They hardly care,” I say.

“Of course they care,” he snaps, “or would. If they knew.”

Now he looks at me. Looks down at me, a bit the same as last night. So much the same, in fact, that I can almost feel him inside me again. Smothering me, consuming me, changing me. His eyes are colder, now. More blood back to his brain instead of his cock. Cold eyes filled with cold blood.

“Christian,” he says, low, “they can’t know. You’ll never tell them.”

It’s not a question, but the hard fix of his stare makes me answer anyway.

“Never. I never would. Anyone. I’d never tell anyone,” my face is dry, so I just lean my head against his piercing shoulder bone. I’ve found myself, just recently, doing this. Impaling myself onto all his sharp edges. He has a lot of them, a lot of vertices. He’s an irregular prism of bones to bruise myself with. His shoulder cuts in just below my cheek bone and quietly, breathing in the smell of soap and lingering spearmint, I add, “as long as you’re mine.”

________

Tagging: @renaultphile @spudodell @ishipallthings (if you want to <33)

[renaultphile]

Hazell, some thoughts.....

Well @argyleheir, thank you for starting this conversation!  I have been fascinated by Hazell ever since @carrotcakecrumble ’s series of fics and to be honest, I can’t really think about him the same way now https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuxLox/works?fandom_id=116109. And while I’m at it, I think  you know this fic already, but if anyone hasn’t seen it, it is the very sweet, sexy and heart-warming tale of how Hazell and Bunny get together post cannon https://archiveofourown.org/works/13140825

I find the way she handles Hazell so clever.  I don’t think anyone is in doubt about what was going on, but no actual detail is given.  It’s all gossip and ‘confessions’ and the bit about the lighting room.  And Ralph is expelled for the ‘confession’ not the ‘affair’.  What really struck me this time round was the line ‘I'd have liked to see him dead, so long as I hadn't got to touch him’.  This sounds so young, so raw.  I’ve been thinking a lot about Ralph’s sense of guilt, which is mixed with this ‘virgin/whore’ thing he has about Hazell/Laurie.  He doesn’t try to welsh out of it, but I also get the sense that he can’t really articulate the depth of his emotions about it.  It feels like Hazell was the instigator, but was he?  I’m very struck by that thing he says about looking around for someone he could be sure of.  And yet Hazell is vulnerable, emotionally unstable, in this kind of transactional relationship with Ralph.  But definitely gay.  Unlike all those other boys who were just licking salt off the ground.  That is highly intriguing……….

And on Bunny, I basically think Bunny is a ‘return to Hazell’. They would be about the same age, Bunny has film-star good looks, and Hazell is in Hollywood.....I wonder if Alec is the father-figure, Bunny the mother-figure?  They do feel like good and bad guardian angels (and reliable narrators who see the good and bad in Ralph), because I tend to assume he is keeping him on life-support when he is at his lowest ebb……But again, a time-bomb waiting to explode.  But as with Hazell, Bunny wouldn't have been able to do that damage if Ralph hadn't set himself up for it. Oh yes, and I'm struck by the 'forgive Laurie'/'Beat up Bunny' dynamic, but more of that later. Bunny is probably his longest actual relationship – was it really just a ‘long hangover’ or was it just a boring, ‘good enough’ relationship that started to look a bit shabby when Laurie turned up?

[argyleheir]

So, I would like all your thoughts on Hazell, and I will give you mind (don't worry mine won't take long.....)

Thanks for the ask, @renaultphile, and apologies for taking my sweet time answering…

I think he’s a great heel! Part of me wishes we actually meet him in person, but he’s otherwise an effective background (but still very real) threat. It’s interesting to compare him to Bunny, or even think of him as a proto-Bunny, and speculate on what was going on with Ralph over the course of each relationship.

I’d love to open this to the floor - what are everyone’s thoughts on Hazell?

Also: thoughts on what his first name might be?

[amber-jinx]

2 precious blondes with hazel eyes: the bunny & the doe 🐇 🦌 (notice they're both prey not predators)

The settling dust comics cover shows game Rachel with her blue earring, mostly submerged but her face being above water with her eyes opened could mean a "rebirth" in the sense that Rachel is alive in another universe.

While Kate in the upcoming forget-me-not cover, has her eyes closed. She is to be remembered by Alex and the rest... Even haunting them.

🥲 why do the most precious characters with green/hazel eyes always die!?

Last pic credits

[hellsitegenetics]

Margaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, LG, OM, DStJ, PC, FRS, HonFRSC (née Roberts; 13 October 1925 – 8 April 2013), was a British stateswoman and Conservative politician who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990 and Leader of the Conservative Party from 1975 to 1990. She was the longest-serving British prime minister of the 20th century and the first woman to hold the position. As prime minister, she implemented economic policies that became known as Thatcherism. A Soviet journalist dubbed her the "Iron Lady", a nickname that became associated with her uncompromising politics and leadership style.

String identified: agat a Tatc, a Tatc, G, , t, C, , C (é t; 13 ct 1925 – 8 A 2013), a a t tata a Cat tca a t t t g 1979 t 1990 a a t Cat at 1975 t 1990. a t gt-g t t t 20t ct a t t a t t t. A t, t cc c tat ca a Tatc. A t at t " a", a ca tat ca acat t cg tc a a t.

Closest match: Muscardinus avellanarius genome assembly, chromosome: 21 Common name: Hazel dormouse

[jeork]

TC Tag Game

As always I’m excessively late to the party, but thanks @renaultphile for the tag!

1. "He would not fucking say that" only they did and it's canon. When/who?

I don’t have a copy of the book at hand right now, but while Laurie is visiting home for the wedding he goes on a walk and recites this weird incest-y song to himself, then contemplates how it always felt relatable to him. I’m not saying he would not fucking say that, because obviously he does and I hear him quite clearly. But I am saying maybe he should not have fucking said that. 

Also Ralph calling Bunny “Boo”. I don’t care how drunk he was, you don’t randomly slip out with a word you wouldn’t otherwise use. It’s part of his vocabulary. This one had me in contemplation for months, like, would he ever call Laurie that? Does this count towards the bad habits and lifestyle choices he wants to abandon while being with Laurie? Whole scene’s just embarrassing af 

2. Did they kiss in the study? Yes/no + why you are 100% correct about this.

I think they probably did, but that it was very chaste. I’m convinced the kiss between Laurie and Andrew is supposed to mirror it almost exactly. The way I see it, Laurie didn’t fully process it and therefore just stood there. From the flashback he got later on while holding onto Ralph’s sleeve while they’re in Ralph's room I think Laurie might’ve grabbed onto Ralph’s arm a little. But other than that I don’t think he did much, which made Ralph decide he wasn’t ready yet.

3. Mandatory question about Ralph's alleged tattoos.

I wasn’t aware this is something people discuss lmao, I’ve only thought about it once myself. Gonna be a party pooper and say he has none, as it's "improper"

4. 53 vs 59 edition: quote a line or paragraph that is better in the edition you like the least.

I feel like me and @renaultphile are the only ‘59 truthers. I think I once even wrote an entire post just on why I like that Mary cut the knee-touch?

Again, don’t have any book copies at hand right now, but I remember one small detail in the ‘53 I really loved. During Alec’s birthday party while he’s blowing out the candles everyone is looking at him, and for a moment there’s this shared feeling of hopefulness. In the ‘53 Laurie feels someone’s eyes on him, but by the time he turns around Ralph has already stopped looking. Something about Ralph glancing at Laurie in this moment, who’s presence represents so much to Ralph, makes me ache. 

5. Which TC character would feel right at home here on tumblr dot com?

I guess the obvious answers would be something like Hazell, Sandy or Bunny, but I feel like Andrew would run the most terrifically angsty aesthetic account. Also young Laurie, he'd probably write bad poetry or something

6. Tag yourself at Alec's birthday party.

The two guys holding hands in dead silence, not because I can relate, but because they really set the scene. Or the petty shit-stirrer who snitches on Ralph having a boyfriend. Or the other petty shit-stirrer who cries "Here comes Bim"

7. Post a TC meme.

I used to run a TC meme account over on Twitter. I’ve planned on reposting all of that stuff on here sometime, in the meantime here’s one: 

8. Easy to talk about who deserved better. Who deserved worse?

Dave. The Mature Wholesome Elder act he’s putting on at the end is pissing me off. Self-serving cu- 

Also, following the heavy implications that Alec had been snuggling it up with Bunny for quite a while, I think he got off pretty scot free 

9. You can break the fourth wall (at any point in the novel) and say a single sentence to our protagonist, Laurie Odell. What do you say?

I really wanted him to stay friends with Reg. I always felt like Madge’s Aunt Vera joke was pretty funny and well intended, albeit improper and terribly timed. It didn’t come off to me as her making fun of him for being gay. More like her trying to awkwardly bond over it, similar to Reg during The Bathroom Talk™. If Laurie hadn’t been so emotionally rattled at that time I feel like he would’ve played it off. It was such bad timing for him. So I wanna scream at him “Chill out, they’re clearly not out to get you!” 

10. What's a question you have about TC? One you haven't found an answer for yet.

I think there still might be a couple minor details, but I can’t remember them right now. The only bigger piece of dialogue that’s still a little intransparent to me is Ralph’s whole speech at the beginning of their post-wedding trip argument. I have my theories about it, but would also enjoy to hear more. 

Considering I’m over a month late and have no clue who did this tag already I’ll open it up to whoever might still wanna do it. 

[rottenlaertes]

TC tag game

Tagged by @spudodell Thank you so much for tagging me!

Rules: Answer the questions and tag other TC fans!

1. "He would not fucking say that" only they did and it's canon. When/who?

"'Not so much bloody bitters this time, Boo.' Boo, thought Laurie."

This is so… out of character somehow, I was just as dumbfounded as Laurie was 😂 Considering their relationship (R & B’s) it feels extra cringe, too.

2. Did they kiss in the study? Yes/no + why you are 100% correct about this.

Oh hell yes, I never had doubts about it. Not least because Renault is the queen of ellipses. A lot of excellent analysis has been written by the fandom on this topic, so I’ll just repeat the main argument: The scene would have never had the kind of impact on Laurie if the kiss never happened. I wouldn’t agree there happened more than a kiss, though, I remember reading it somewhere.

3. Mandatory question about Ralph's alleged tattoos.

Hmm, as much as I like tattoos as art, Ralph just doesn't strike me as the type for it. I think, he cares too much about his neat appearances—spotless means spotless. I’m not sure if it was very common among officer ranks at that time, too.

4. 53 vs 59 edition: quote a line or paragraph that is better in the edition you like the least.

I can’t say that I dislike one or the other, but I tend to reread the 59 rather than the 53 edition, simple because that’s the one I read first. The 53 is more unpolished, but also more honest, I think. One of the passages I like:

“Don't insult my intelligence. […] After a moment he added, "What in hell is there to laugh at?"

"Please, Lanyon, I'm sorry, please."

"Used I to say that?"

"Of course you did. Benson used it as a gag in the House play and it brought down the roof.”

I think this is one of the very rare moments Ralph felt a little embarrassed and we were robbed of it!

5. Which TC character would feel right at home here on tumblr dot com?

Laurie, the nerd 😁 wouldn’t you agree? He’d be a fic writer, too. (Remember the passage about Baranova in the 53 edition? “While not committing himself to being actually in love, Laurie had a serial fantasy about her, thinly disguised as the plot of a novel he was some day going to write.”)

6. Tag yourself at Alec's birthday party.

As much as it pains me to admit: Laurie. I always feel out of place at parties.

7. Post a TC meme.

I can’t find a proper picture meme right now, but one of my fav posts about TC is this one https://www.tumblr.com/ralphlanyon/735073429427994624/the-charioteer-is-about-a-dog-person-learning-to 😂 thanks for this gem @ralphlanyon

8. Easy to talk about who deserved better. Who deserved worse?

I’d say Bunny, because he’s the only major character I can’t deal with. Oh, apart from maybe Hazell.

9. You can break the fourth wall (at any point in the novel) and say a single sentence to our protagonist, Laurie Odell. What do you say?

Laurie, darling, there is love and there is fiction, and it’s not the same.

10. What's a question you have about TC? One you haven't found an answer for yet.

What the hell happened to Ralph right after the sacking.

I didn’t spend much time here lately, so I missed who’s been tagged and who wasn’t yet, so I’m tagging everyone who didn’t participate yet 😁 please do, I’d love to read your answers and I need to finde those that I missed somehow 🥲

[tryingtimi]

OC Interview Tag

Thanks for the tag @forthesanityofstorytellers!

Tagging: @bloodlessheirbyjacques, @the-void-writes, @aalinaaaaaa, @friendlyneighborhood-writer, @tc-doherty Oh boy, I know I haven't spoken a coherent word about Sasin, but I must use the MC from that (probably will when i finish this draft because brain needs hacking). So, everyone say hi to Liahn.

Are you named after anyone?

Not that I know of. Our naming costume isn't the standered on most places either, so given that not my parent's named me, it had very little chance for that.

When was the last time you cried?

I am not comfortable talking about that with you.

Do you have kids?

Gods, no. I have just came to age, so I don't have any desire nor knowledge to have kids at 22.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Do I?

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their little habits in movement. I need to learn to read people well, and this can tell a lot to someone who knows how to decipher them. Even eyes can lie if someone is trained enough.

What’s your eye color?

Brown that turns hazel in the sun, I'm told.

Scary movies or happy endings?

None. I prefer documentaries.

Any special talents?

*her eyes narrow, and she leans back in her chair, putting space between you two.*

No, I don't have one.

Where were you born?

The same place I live, Tawon's capital, Grohan.

Do you have any pets?

No, never had one.

What sports do you play?

*she sighs*

I train with my siblings and the rest of the clan members, so martial arts only.

How tall are you?

Around 170 cm.

What was your favorite subject in school?

I am still in training as the next leader, but if I should choose a favourite it would be history.

What is your dream job?

Being the leader of my clan. I would do almost anything to be that.

[mryside]

Say hello to Hazel, my Hedge Bard in my Humblewood game.

Many thanks to @musicme-tc who did an absolutely amazing job bringing her to life for me. I cannot recommend her highly enough.

Character Backstory:

Owner, along with her husband Aspen, of The Touchy Fungi a tavern in the Trunk Market section of Alderheart. She was the barkeep, while he was the chef. The tavern was taken over by thier daughter Willow after Hazel and her husband decided to retire.

They moved to Meadowfen to help their son Linden out with running a farm and taking care of their grandchildren. After her husband passed away Hazel was encouraged to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a bard by her children. She had always been fond of playing music and telling stories, and used to run and participate in “Story Hour” at The Touchy Fungi.

Now she travels with a party of adventurers, performing at the inns and taverns in the towns they come across and trading stories with the various folk she meets along the way.

Design Elements:

The bracelets she wears were made by her husband. The twisted one is made from wood from the hazel & aspen trees, and was a wedding gift. The second bracelet is made of wood from the linden tree carved with linden leaves, to celebrate the birth of their son, while the third is made of willow wood carved with willow leaves to celebrate the birth of their daughter.

The beaded necklace is also a gift from her husband. Every year on their wedding anniversary a new bead would be added, carved with reminders of events and special moments that had occurred throughout that year. The necklace has 45 beads.

The lute was a gift from her children after she decided to start adventuring and was decorated by her three grandchildren.

[carrotcakecrumble]

If it be now, tis not to come

(Or whatever it is, anyway here they all are during the Hamlet rehearsals💅)

[renaultphile]

What a difference a letter makes

One of the great things about the re-read is going to be identifying all those differences between the 1953 and 1959 editions. Sometimes, it's large chunks, sometimes a sentence, or even just a word. But I didn't realise until now, it could be one letter.

Here is Ralph talking about Hazell in the 1953 edition:

"I told him that the next time he came up to me for a beating, that would be what he'd get. He could see I meant it. I was surprised when he turned up a couple of days later. I thought he was calling my bluff. Perhaps that's what he thought himself. I don't know. Anyway he'd left me no choice. I hate the whole business, I don't know when I've hated anything more, so I got down to it without wasting time."

In the 1959 edition, 'hate' becomes 'hated'. I read that as making a general statement of ambivalence about beating children into a specific reference to the Hazell 'business', removing with just one letter a whole fascinating hinterland of Ralph's psychological state.

Or maybe it was a typo.

[mademoiselle-red]

TC Chapter 8 reread thoughts, part 1

I like how Laurie rejects Andrew’s offer to roll up together in a rug. It is a very nice contrast to later in this chapter when Laurie doesn’t even think twice about lying in Ralph’s bed and fondling his silk pajamas 😏

I also noticed that Laurie is often impatient to leave Andrew for whatever reason: it is cold, he doesn’t want to discuss his late pass (cuz he’s got a date with Ralph), or his leg is in pain and he needs to go back to the ward. Even in the most intensely Laurie/Andrew moments, Laurie grabs onto any reason to leave him: Nurse Sims interrupted them so he backtracks from the kiss and walks out, Dave advises him against talking to Andrew so he walks out without talking to him🙄. In contrast, Laurie repeatedly expresses the wish to stay with Ralph (for just a little longer, for the entire night, forever 🥰) and does not want to leave him (especially not with Bunny 😤). He grabs onto any excuse to see Ralph again (breakup in person in chapter 14, to apologize in chapter 16)

I love how the novel makes it clear that by using his late passes, Laurie is choosing to spend his evenings with Ralph instead of with Andrew in the kitchen. And I love how he is unwilling to “present Ralph as an object of pity” to provide an excuse for why he’d rather hang out with Ralph than with Andrew. No wonder Andrew is jealous. It’s important to remember that Laurie didn’t actually have other attractive options for how he’d spend his evenings before Ralph came back into his life. It was either alone, trying to play heterosexual with Reg, or having “dates” with Andrew in the kitchen. He was stuck with Andrew as the only option. It is Ralph who presents him with another option, to be more (not less!!!) than what he’s resigned himself to be.

“The surrounding climate of shabbiness, dejection and failure seemed to subdue all possible figures to itself. It was in the midst of such thoughts that he saw Ralph walk briskly in at the street door.” I love this bit of foreshadowing! Laurie is 23 years old, with not enough money and no prospects. And in walks R. R. Lanyon, with the promise of a brighter future.

And immediately after this we have a paragraph-length description from Laurie’s POV of Ralph’s “dazzling” contrast to the shabby surroundings, like “bright steel” against “scrap iron”; Laurie ogling over his “well-fitting, well-pressed uniform”, his “personal and aristocratic” cleanliness, and his blue eyes being visible “even from across the hall.” And once again the people around them simply “melt out of his path” because Laurie only had eyes for Ralph. Like, if you ever doubted Laurie’s love for this man, here is your answer.

And Renault reminds us that everyone in that hospital waiting room can see “Ralph’s happiness and the sudden lightening of Laurie’s anxious face”. It’s not just the people at the party. Everywhere they go, the people around them can see their obvious delight in each other! ❤️

“‘What is it, Spud?’ said Ralph softly. Laurie remembered the voice from the other day, it was charming and intimate and too experienced and left you in doubt.” I think Laurie is just projecting here. He is feeling insecure about having Ralph’s affections, because he feels like he isn’t experienced and mature enough for Ralph. And he is jealous of all the past lovers that Ralph had “practiced” on to get that “too experienced” charming voice. I’d love to write a fic someday where Laurie realizes that Ralph’s “too experienced” voice is just how he expresses affection. And it shouldn’t matter how many other people it had been used on, because from now on, Laurie will be the only one who’ll ever hear it again 😤

“He used to get away with murder.” Oh Laurie, you are so jealous of Hazel and so protective of Ralph!

Lol Laurie thinking Ralph was referring to Bunny when he says “the best way to be independent is to have all you need at home” and realized he doesn’t actually want to hear Ralph talk about Bunny. He is so jealous and trying to hide it from both Ralph and himself 🤣

“It distressed him to think that Ralph might take him for a bad listener and cease to confide in him.” Awwwww, I love how Laurie is so eager to know Ralph better, to make him comfortable confiding in him 💕

“With an obscure pleasure, Laurie perceived that this wasn’t one of the things in which practice had made him perfect.” Awwww Laurie feeling happy that he can light Ralph’s cigarette for him better than Ralph can on his own 🥰 He just wants to be able to do something for Ralph that Ralph can’t get on his own! He just wants to be needed 😭😭😭

“[Hazel] told it reversing the point of the final episode, if you see what I mean.” I know some fans have doubted this part of the story, but I believe Ralph. For one, we don’t get any indication in the novel that Ralph is lying about this. And two, I think it is thematically meaningful that the Hazel affair ended with Ralph taking the blame for a false accusation (the accusation that he was aroused by spanking Hazel) because he didn’t think it would make any difference to dispute that accusation when he is ultimately still responsible for having the affair in the first place. This tragedy repeats itself when he doesn’t bother to argue with Laurie on the accusation that he visited Andrew because his role in Laurie’s life is one of the main reasons why Laurie’s attempt at a platonic romance with Andrew failed. (Even though it is not his fault 😤)

As Ralph is telling the story of his expulsion: “For a minute or two he didn’t speak, but tapped with his fingers on the top of the car door, a broken rhythm like Morse.” This is one of Ralph’s nervous tics! He does this when he is feeling distressed. Here on their first date, Laurie doesn’t really pick up on its meaning, only notes it in passing, but when they fight over Laurie’s lack of commitment to their relationship in chapter 13, he notices Ralph had “begun to tap Morse on the arm of the chair”, recognizes it as a sign of distress, and immediately puts his hand over Ralph’s to comfort him 😭😭😭😭😭😭

“What he wanted to express was an absolute assent and sympathy which included everything. After he had said it he felt it wasn’t nearly enough; he strained for better, more expressive words, which would not come; involuntarily to help out the meaning he reached out and put his hand on Ralph’s knee.” ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ the words you are looking for, Laurie, are “I love you” ❤️❤️❤️ also, I totally think Laurie would have kissed Ralph had they not been interrupted by the other car, which forced Laurie to “draw back quickly.” They were totally having a moment 😤. No wonder Ralph is so irritated and angry afterwards. Now I want to write an AU where they weren’t interrupted and got to have a little kiss in the car (that maybe turns into a make-out session? 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨)

“In one of their silent pauses he found himself wishing it were possible, without telling Andrew too much, to get a sensible idea of Ralph into his head. It was the first time Laurie had ever thought of him in terms of criticism” GOOD 😤😤😤😤😤😤 the virtues that Laurie admires in Ralph cannot be separated from the causes they represent. His bravery, pursuit of excellence, and stoicism in the face of homophobic persecution, war, and his disability. Just like how “love is indivisible”, you can’t separate the virtuous qualities from the causes they represent. And Andrew doesn’t support these causes.

“Laurie gave the first confidences […] with an awkwardness gradually superseded by relief, Laurie brought it out.” Remember how in an earlier chapter when Laurie first learned that his mother was getting engaged, he looked forward to the “relief of telling Andrew” but Andrew ended up inviting a bunch of people to an impromptu picnic? And then he tries to tell Andrew about it again in the kitchen and is forced to offer Andrew some platitudes because Andrew can’t empathize with Laurie’s distress? LAURIE HAS FINALLY GOTTEN THE RELIEF HE WANTED WITH RALPH ❤️❤️❤️

And Ralph is so attuned to Laurie’s feelings! When he notices that Laurie found his first captain story “rough comfort”, he immediately apologizes! Finally, a boyfriend who cares about Laurie’s feelings 😤😤😤

Speaking of Laurie trying to pry Ralph open and hear all his confidences and secrets: he keeps encouraging Ralph to talk about his girlfriends, “not for the sake of advice” but “to make Ralph talk about himself.” Laurie just wants to know MORE about Ralph and who he’s been with in the past 👀👀👀

“I’d had rather a sickener of the other side. Once people know about you at sea, you never get away from it.” Oh no! I agree with the fan theory that Ralph had been pressured by higher ranking crew members to have sex with them when he started out “lower deck with the wrong accent” 😭

Also, I love how we follow Laurie’s gaze as he observes the way Ralph eats his food: cutting up all his food first, in the American fashion, because the glove gets in his way. Laurie’s attention to all the details of Ralph’s existence is so tender and intimate here. It’s also a bit funny and sad that Laurie always catches the little intimate things, but misses some really big important things when it comes to Ralph.

Like the Hazel story, I also believe Ralph’s account of being caught discussing anatomy with a girl and being beaten and sent away to school to live a “clean life” because of it. Because, again, the novel does not suggest any reason for us to doubt his words here, and also, because Ralph displays “an unconscious tic” as he tells the story, touching his “spotless white collar” for “reassurance.” Once again, Ralph is recounting a traumatic incident, and touching his clean collar is likely a response to reliving the memory. We also see in this story the origins of Ralph’s fixation on cleanliness: he was made to feel dirty as a child, sent away because he wasn’t “clean” enough. And then at school he was made to feel dirty by people like Jeepers, and sent away because he wasn’t “clean.” These two stories —the Hazel story and the childhood story —make so much sense and help explain so much of Ralph’s personality and behavior.

Laurie brings up how Ralph said he was going straight to Southampton that day in the study, and Ralph replies “that was what I ought to have done”, and then clams up, and “it was all Laurie ever got out of him, either then or later.” Meaning that Laurie kept trying to get Ralph to open up about what happened after he was expelled, both during this dinner and later in their relationship (perhaps?), and Ralph never felt comfortable enough to share 😭😭😭. Now I want to write a post-canon hurt/comfort fic where Ralph opens up to Laurie about how terrible his parents were and all the things that happened to him after his expulsion 😭😭😭😭

That’s all for today! To be continued in part 2…

[did-i-do-this-write]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

I was tagged by @tc-doherty to share my answers. Thank you for the tag!

Are you named after anyone?  Not that I know of…

When was the last time you cried?  It was on February 8th of this year.  Because of some work stuff.  Sometimes my job is hard lol.

Do you have kids?  No.  But I hope to adopt one day.

Do you use sarcasm?  All the time.  Some might say too much.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Good question.  Probably general demeanor and basic politeness/manors.

What’s your eye color? Hazel :)

Scary movies or happy endings? Are these two mutually exclusive?  What if I like both? ;-;

Any special talents?  Ummmm… no.

Where were you born? Pennsylvania, USA.

What are your hobbies? Writing, reading, music, videogames, photography, and I’ve recently taken up origami, too!

Have you any pets? Not anymore :( my beagle, Chase, passed away last January.

What sports do you play/have played? I haven’t played anything officially since high school, but I used to play basketball and softball.  And I played flag football and soccer for one or two seasons, too.

How tall are you? 5ft. 3in.

Favorite subject in school? Honestly, this always depended on my teachers.  But generally, it was English or history or both.  I also greatly enjoyed my sociology and macro social work classes when I got to college.

Dream job? Idk, man.  A job that would let me dismantle the mental health system in America from the ground up :)

Tagging: @lilithfairen, @emelkae, @my-writblr, @dysphorie, @gracemlachakwrites, @pathsofoak, @bowl-of-shortness, @asher-orion-writes, @italiangothicwriteblr, @papercutsunset, @up-in-flames-writing, @writingpotato07, @sleepyowlwrites, @dallonm

[aajjks]

TC!dad!JK

“dr. lee!” you scream “dr. lee! please! please save him! he’s dying!”

the guards place jungkook’s limp body on his operating table and the sight of him leaves your speechless. you go up to him and place your hand on his cold face, caressing it with your thumb as you watch the doctor observe jungkook’s fatal wound.

“it’s deep” he says. the doctor instructs you to help him remove his shirt with by cutting it open with the scissors on his counter. with shaking hands, you reach for the scissors and proceed to cut jungkook’s shirt open just as instructed. once it’s cut, dr. lee opens his shirt like a vanity and takes a look at the wound. “oh my god” you gasp “what is that?”

“the knife she stabbed him with must’ve have some kind of poisonous venom on it”

“do you…do you think you can save him? please say that you can”

“i will do my best to bring him back to you, queen y/n”

“thank you, dr. lee. th-thank—“

“QUEEN Y/N!!! NURSES!!! SOMEONE GET THE QUEEN!! she—“ the doctor’s words are cut short when he sees your hair rapidly turning from its raven black to a silver-white. wrinkles adorn your face and hands and your pulse has gotten weaker.

“NURSE!!!! I NEED A NURSE!!!!” the doctor yells and immediately, doctor’s and nurses rush in to take you to a separate room while dr. lee tries his best to save the king. “j-jungkook” is the last thing you say before your vision becomes black.

iseul can’t believe it. both you and jungkook are on the verge of death and the future of this kingdom is on the line. she’s thankful she could escape with jinseoul before it became fatal but it’s hard knowing that the both of you have sustained injuries that could possibly kill.

the servants, governors, and the people of goryeo have all caught wind of their king and queen being on the verge of death and everyone is praying you both push through.

you’ve officially earned the respect of all the governors and consorts within the palace but it’s a shame your life was the cost of it.

“wait…i think….i think i can save the queen”

everyone turns their head to see who the voice came from and they’re surprised to see it’s asami.

“come this way” instructs the maid to asami as she follows the maid to your room where your thin, wrinkled body lies. asami takes a blade from the table and slits her tongue deep enough to draw blood from it. “i hope this works” she says before gently holding your face and kissing you. it takes a few minutes but right before the nurses eyes, they watch asami age and you return back to your youthful body; age 22.

once you’ve regained consciousness, asami pulls away and falls to the ground. her boy wrinkled and thin just like yours was.

“asami!” you panic before getting on the ground with her. “hold on okay? i can fix this!”

“d-don’t worry about it. i knew i was going to die regardless” she coughs. “i’m just glad i could do something good in the end. n-now go be with your lover. he needs you”

“thank you, asami” you whisper. you press a kiss to her cheek and leave her with the maids while you rush to join jungkook who is still in the operating room with dr. lee.

~🫧

alright alina!!! you know what to do 😁🏀

Jungkook is still on the verge of death.

he feels so sad within but then, a bright light comes and he tries to cover his eyes because it’s too bright.

His heart suddenly feels so light.

“Son.” A feminine voice calls out, jungkooks ears perk up immediately, that’s- he removes his hand but the light almost blinds him, that is until he watches a figure approach him. “M-Mother..” he exclaims, his view clears up and he sees his mother, Queen Ayra in the flesh.

Jungkook runs towards her and hugs her body, so tightly as much as he can, he’s got tears in his eyes because she’s really here. “M-Mother.” He sobs like a little boy. “I-I’m in heaven?!”

His mother laughs as she breaks the hug after a few minutes, once jungkook is done, sobbing in her embrace, so she can see his face. “My handsome kookie- no. You’re not.” Her hazel eyes are also teary, the mole right below her lower lip so visible.

She looks so beautiful like always.

“W-What? Why? Mother- but you’re here?!”

Of course he is not going to end up in heaven.

Ayra laughs because her son was and is still always so impatient and curious.

She misses him dearly.

“I died mother-that woman killed me- y-yn is all alone- my son…” he cries to her.. “but I don’t care- the world was too cruel to me anyways- too many responsibilities.. I’m with you now- and I will go with you.”

Jungkook cries out- he has had the most toughest time of his life ever since his mother died but then you came into his life and life was worthy of living again.

“Kookie- my dearest son. You’re not dead. You are currently in the state of Dreaming.” She informs him, holding her son’s face.

“You can’t die yet- but mother I want to come with you- no you CANT, kookie. Not now. You have someone who needs you very much.” She caresses his cheeks.

He’s so confused because no one needs him. Jinseoul has you and you never needed someone as cruel and pathetic as jungkook.

“Your yn needs you. You have to live for her.” She says, “my daughter in law deserves to have her husband by her side.” He sighs, because her words fail to bring a smile on his face

She has no idea about what he’s done to you.

“No mother- she hates me and rightfully so- I ruined her life- she should be free of me.” He cries in guilt. Ayra feels her son’s pain and misery. “Yn doesn’t need me.”

“Oh she does, can’t you feel her voice crying out your name, kookie? Go back- go back to her. It’s not your time yet, son.” She smiles. “I’ll always be watching over you two and my grand children.”

Grand child or grand children??! He has one child.

“M-Mother-“”

“Your sins will be atoned for in time, my dearest.” She assures him.

And before jungkook can say anything? His mother pulls him in for a tight hug and.. everything goes black.

“CONGRATULATIONS MY QUEEN- the kings heartbeat is back and stable.”

Jungkooks eyes open and he breathes out violently like someone brought him back to life.

“Y-Yn…”

[jeork]

First Chapter Thoughts

I‘m a little late to the party but I just finished re-reading the first chapter. I‘ve always felt like it was greatly underappreciated, so here‘s some stuff I love about it:

1. In the very first paragraph the themes of responsibility and emotional self-regulation/repression get introduced. Of course here it is in relation to innocent pre-divorce baby Laurie. But it shows that his mother‘s way of raising him and the cultural phenomenon of the stiff upper lip are already impacting him.

2. This chapter also showcases how Laurie learns that love is conditional. Lucy very directly tells him that everybody else has disappointed her, and it is now up to him to make up for it. It is now his responsibility to never make her cry, never make her unhappy, even if it means repressing his own feelings. This is such a central part to their dynamic, but I think it has also influenced how Laurie handles his relationships to other people later in life (both platonic and romantic). I always got the feeling that he is quick to abandon others, never giving them the chance to abandon him. His later obsession with this entirely pure, "perfect", but also very distanced type of love might also stem from this. He seems to in a way be looking for unconditional love without being willing or able to give it himself.

3. Baby Laurie clinging on to his special tokens and then later in life getting absolutely obsessed with the Phaedrus, the ultimate special token.

4. Laurie‘s dad leaving is the first instance of an incredibly important male figure vanishing from his life. Both times the root cause can be traced back to sexual desire. In the case of Michael it was the desire to cheat, which destroyed the family unit. In the case of Ralph it was the desire to be sexually intimate with Hazell, which destroyed his social status. Throughout the book Laurie is repulsed specifically by his physical desires. Of course the root cause of this is his internalized homophobia, but even towards heterosexual sexuality he sometimes seems to take a generally negative stance. Maybe I‘m reading too much into it, but I think it could be interesting to try and trace this back to these two formative events.

5. All the other parallels between Michael and Ralph. The mommy issues in TC are so prevalent that it is easy to overlook the daddy issues. Something about this whole thing is hilarious to me, so in future posts I‘ll probably get back to the whole Michael/Ralph thing