#tbh this post is 5k long and probably not worth reading

[the-cardboard-constructionist]

Some thoughts on high school, serial killers, and addiction:

Warning: this post contains mentions of dead bodies, rape, and general serial killer things. It is also approximately 5k long and is like 50% a discussion on Dahmer and 50% a discussion of my own personal inner demons so like read at your own risk? also contains entitled white guys 

Over the weekend, I went back home to visit an old friend, and she was telling me about the book My Friend Dahmer, and since she conveniently had it there, I went ahead and read it. It was a very interesting read, and I must admit, I did not know nearly enough about Jeffrey Dahmer before, even though I probably should have. (We also read his entire wikipedia, and let me tell you those two cops who were in his apartment with the dead body, and did not notice it are the two most incompetent police officers in the whole damn world and I just can’t believe they got their jobs back.) 

But then we got to talking about the idea of whether or not he could have been saved. The author of the book seems to think that until the moment he killed his first victim (the hitchhiker), there was still a chance for him. A chance to not be a serial killer (but probably not a chance to be a normal and happy person). My friend thought that this was not the case. That maybe there had been a chance when he was younger, before he started to fantasize about the idea of having sex with a body that was unable to move (and yes, that phrasing is intentional). But once it got to the point where the fantasies were haunting him, there was no hope. 

I disagree further. I think there was always a chance for him to change, but not all that high of a likelihood, not due to any inherent qualities he possessed but due to the combination of who he was, and the world around him. I think that the chance grew smaller and smaller as time went on, but until he started his second set of murders (as in, his second documented murder, not the hitchhiker), there was still a chance. 

He had a goal. He had something he craved, and he very obviously, did not want to kill people. I know that sounds very silly to say, given that he is a serial killer with 17 claimed bodies to his name, but if you look at the details of his murders you can see that death was not what he was aiming for. He was a sick, sick man who did absolutely horrible things, but he’s a very interesting case because he went through extreme lengths to try to prevent his victims from dying. Now granted, this was mostly so that he could rape them while they were unconscious which tbh was his goal. But he didn’t want to kill them. And he did express guilt over it at some point. Which is interesting. 

I personally believe that he was suffering from several different mental illnesses, and at least one personality disorder (I’m more inclined to go with Borderline over Antisocial, but he does fit the criteria for either one. I’m also inclined to believe that at the end of the day, Borderline and Antisocial are just two expressions for a very very similar thing, depending on the socialization of the person involved. Which is a topic for another day.) I also believe that for both BPD and Anti-Social, it is absolutely something that can be treated far more than many people in the field accept. Most accept treatments for BPD, but much less so for Anti-Social. At least, once it develops from Conduct Disorder to Anti-Social. I believe that it is treatable, most of the time. It just requires the right methods and the tools, and I don’t have all those tools yet, I’m in the process of doing as much research as I can into the subject. It’s a personal project I have, in the hopes of helping a child who is close to me. But I think that with the right intervention, the right support, the right tools to be able to deal with his fantasies and the ability to cope with what they were, and what that meant for him, he could have led a more functional life where he didn’t you know, kill and rape men. I don’t think it could have happened in his situation, but if it had been in another time, another place, I think it could have been prevented. Unfortunately, so many people around him didn’t seem to notice what was going around when it should have been so so obvious. 

The book discusses his childhood, and the perceptions of him by his friends. Or rather, his classmates, because most of them weren’t really his friends. They were his school friends. The people he sometimes spent time with at school, but wasn’t invited to hang out with outside of school. And they noticed something was off. They noticed the awkward manner, but dismissed it. Which is fair. Every high school has a few creepy kids, and from what I gather, he wasn’t even the creepiest one there. They noticed the drinking, when it came to that. 

But his teachers? When they were asked years later, they noticed nothing. They didn’t notice that he was literally drunk all the time for his entire senior year. Not even when he sat in class and smelled of alcohol. Now sure, some of that may be self preservation on their part. Who wants to be the adult to admit they noticed something was off, but didn’t do anything about it? Because that was the time when intervention would have been great. But also... Honestly, I think a lot of them didn’t notice. There were many of them that could have reached out to him, to find out what was going on with his home life because obviously something was wrong. And that responsibility is not on the other kids, because they’re kids. It’s not their job to prevent their creepy sort-of friend from being drunk all the time. 

And this is a trend that continues for his whole life. In the army, his drinking was a problem enough that they discharged him from the army. But the fact that he was raping people wasn’t. 

In fact, I must say, there were a lot of overlooked rapes before he finally killed someone. Like a lot. He got fines for it, and minor jail time many many times, but was ultimately let go each time. Like, it was a clear behavioral pattern. He was on the sex offender registry. He very often admitted to his crimes. His first story was usually the truth. But they often willfully chose to believe the lies that came second. 

And those two cops that gave him back the child he had kidnapped and drugged after telling the two women who reported the boy’s story to them to shut up, and then went up to the apartment where the dead body was and didn’t notice. 

There was a lot of looking the other way. A lot of times he could have been stopped before he really started (and I know he had started 9 years earlier with the hitch hiker, but I honestly think that was pure impulse and he didn’t entirely mean to do it. It didn’t keep the whole thing going).

And given what we hear from his classmates about noticing that he was weird, even before the drinking. That he wasn’t normal, like the rest of them. (Although admittedly, that one other creep was pretty creepy as well.) But I think there are so many missed chances to prevent the whole damn thing. 

So we got to talking. Did we have a kid in our high school that if someone told us one of our classmate had become a serial killer, that we would jump to right away? At first, we couldn’t think of anyone. (and to be fair, the author of the book didn’t actually guess Dahmer right away, he guessed the other creep first). 

So we got out the year book, and we spent several hours deliberating on this. As we often do for things of this nature. And we came to several conclusions. The most obvious one (which I do admit, took us awhile to come to), was of course the three boy that had plotted to blow up the high school in our freshman year. I didn’t know any of them personally, as two of them were older than us, and well, there were 853 kids in our class and it was only a few months into the school year so I didn’t know the one that was in our class. However, school shootings/attacks are quite different from serial murder. It did make us think though about the stories we heard after the attack was discovered and prevented (they were planning for 3 years into the future, and were dumbasses that made a Myspace page about it), about things people had heard them say. Things that were funny at the time, but creepy in retrospect. Like the time one of them had been fooling around in class with other kids, and when someone hit him with something (I don’t know what, I heard this story like third hand), he turned around and stabbed them with it. (The kid was okay, it wasn’t something very sharp.) Then laughed it off. 

The second obvious answer was the actual literal serial killer who had been employed at our school. He had been a janitor there, but that was years before we went to the school. He killed many prostitutes and much like Dahmer, kept the bodies in his house. I’ve been informed by the world’s dumbest health teacher that he was a very nice person. But we dismissed him because he didn’t answer the actual question, he just happened to be a serial killer in the area. But we never knew him. That was years before we went there. 

Then we came to an impasse. Kids we actually knew. Kids who weren’t kicked out three months into freshman year. And we came to several different potentials. 

1) A boy in my history class who always seemed to have his hands down his pants every single fucking time I looked over, he wasn’t the brightest of kids and his handwriting was awful, but tbh, I don’t know much else about him Probably hasn’t killed anyone. No idea what he’s doing now. But creepy just the same. 

2) a boy who I will call M, who I didn’t know all that well, but my friend did. He’s an interesting person, who forms weird social connections, but not well. At some point after graduation, he made friends with my step-mom which was weird as fuck, but I am relatively sure he hasn’t killed anyone, and probably won’t. But he does give off a weird vibe, and if someone told me he had killed someone, I don’t think I’d be shocked. 

and lastly, 3) My friend, who I will call P for the purposes of this. (I’d like to state right now that I don’t actually think P is a serial killer, and I am relatively sure that he hasn’t killed anyone. It’s just a behavior set I could see developing into him, and warning signs that exist.) I didn’t entirely notice it at the time, but I don’t think he actually had any friends other than me. And tbh, I’ll be friends with literally everyone so I don’t really count there (except that I do). There were a few people he seemed like superficial friends with, but I got the vibe they didn’t really like him. Which is fair. He was absolutely annoying, and like the picture of a nerdy white entitled male who also happens to be socially awkward. He was a writer, which is largely why I was friends with him. We would write together, and discuss stories. His were always about a girl, who I’ll call A for the purposes of this. She was a real girl, who went to our school, although I’ve never met her and honestly I don’t even know her last name to look her up. I don’t think I want to, at this point. He had a crush on her, and he’d written her a poem which I’m sure he intended to come off as sweet, but he’s socially awkward and had never talked to her before, and from what I know she isn’t the world’s politest person, and well... she thought it was creepy. And told him so. And then reported him to the administration, who probably didn’t need to be involved. So he was bitter. He was so fucking bitter. He had decided that all cheerleaders were evil because this one girl thought he was creepy (Being me, I spent many hours in vain trying to convince him otherwise because Paula Abdul was a cheerleader and obviously, she isn’t evil. He didn’t really care). His stories were filled with it. And they always involved her. Usually in a relationship that grew from annoyance and dislike to something far more romantic. They weren’t well written stories, which is what I fixated on at the time. They were not at all well written, and they were weird and creepy and there were just so many of them. The incident had happened at least a year earlier, and the girl was no longer in any of his classes, and still in the year I was friends with him, he wrote at least four novel length stories about her. (Although to be fair, at some point, they stopped really being about her, they became about a fictionalized version of her, which isn’t entirely less creepy.) He had never had a real girlfriend, or even a not-real one, and spent most of his non-writing time complaining about this fact. It was annoying. Really annoying. But tbh, my senior year was filled with entitled nerds whining at me that they had no girlfriends to the point where I point blank asked all of them: “All you ever talk about is wanting a girlfriend. What the fuck are you going to talk to her about when you get one?” P never gave me a good answer to that. As far as I know, he still hasn’t had a girlfriend, but I haven’t talked to him much after graduation. 

Now, most of our friendship was talk of writing, and me arguing with him about things like cheerleaders being evil, even though I knew it was entirely in vain. But not all of it was. Just being an entitled white boy doesn’t make you serial killer material. But stalking behaviors contribute much to that. And boy, oh boy, did he have them. And I’m sorry to say that I think I made that problem far worse than it would have been otherwise. There was this teacher at my school, and if anyone is actually reading this far into my post, you may have heard me refer to her before. Especially if you were here in the early days of my blogs. The Demon. Long story short, she taught English, was absolutely adorable, and I was convinced for a brief while that she was actually the demon from Paranormal Activity, because goddam, they’ve got the sam damn name, age, and face. I’d like to state for the record right here and now that my English teacher was not actually a demon, and she is a very nice lady and does in no way deserve her place in this story. But if P was obsessed with A, I was obsessed with the demon (I’m not giving away her name on the internet, so we’re just calling her the demon for this). It was bad. It was really bad. It was a different sort of obsession that his obsession with A, though. It was not one that came from a place of entitlement. He thought he was entitled to a girlfriend, entitled to a girl who wouldn’t call him creepy. I in no way believed that I was at all entitled to the demon. She was a human being with her own life, and I was not to be a part of it. But that didn’t mean the thoughts weren’t there. And it didn’t mean the actions weren’t either. It was never anything that would be harmful to her, because I would never want to do that. But I wrote far more stories about her than he ever wrote about A. I wrote stories of her being a demon and eating students. I wrote stories of her not being a demon and doing many inappropriate things with other teachers. I wrote stories about her and a young student (hello self insert 15 year old me). I wrote so many different ones. SO MANY. Hell, I turned a story about her in for a grade (and perhaps my Creative Writing teacher should have been concerned about that). I failed a math class because I was busy staring across the hallway into her classroom, and watching her. I organized my route to class so that it would go by her classroom the most amount of times possible, to chance a glimpse. I wrote several novels devoted entirely to her, to different potentials of her. I spent most Tuesdays after school sitting outside of her classroom, with P, pretending we were doing things for our writing club that was right across the hall (I mean, we were also doing that), and I involved P in it. He was a part of all of this, and a very willing part. There have been times where I convinced myself that perhaps I made him do it all, but I honestly don’t think I did. I think he wanted to be a part of it. He enjoyed passing notes to me in the hall, with what she had been wearing that day scribbled down. He enjoyed the fact that we kept track of her every move, looking for signs that she was actually there to snap people’s necks and steal their babies (whoops, spoilers for Paranormal Activity 2, hope you’ve all seen it by now). And maybe that was our surface reason, but it wasn’t the only reason. Objectively, she was hot. Everyone agreed that she was hot. Even the gay guys agreed that she was hot. Is still hot. I thought she was incredibly attractive, and after awhile, it stopped being about demon things. I doubt it was ever about the demon part for P. But it got to the level where it was entirely out of control. I did many things I regret (again, nothing that actually involved her in any way. I very intentionally kept it all away from her.), and I lost people I really fucking loved over it. I lost people that I wish I hadn’t lost, but I didn’t see why it was wrong then. Because we weren’t doing anything to hurt her (other than entirely invade her privacy). I was caught up in the whole thing, and it took losing one of the most important people to me to get me to stop it. And even then... it was slow going. It was like I was caught up in the whole thing and I just... couldn’t stop. Not even when I wanted to. P didn’t help. He saw nothing wrong with it, and he had no one to lose over it, so what was one more of my ex’s that thought he was creepy? He didn’t care. He still passed me notes, and told me what she was wearing, and when he found out something new about her. And even in the grip of losing something so important to me, I couldn’t stop myself. I don’t know why I couldn’t stop myself, but I couldn’t. It shouldn’t have been like that. But it took actual effort to reroute myself so that I didn’t go by her classroom. To stop scribbling in the margins what she was doing when I saw her. What she was wearing. Who she was talking to. What song she was singing under her breath. 

There was one day, maybe a month after I lost everything, that I realized I was never going to be able to actually move on if I didn’t stop cold turkey. And I did. For awhile. I hate to say it was all for a date with a cute girl that never even happened. And it just kept sneaking back. Hell, it has literally been 8 years since I developed that obsession, and honestly, it’s still here. It’s on a back burner, and I make a conscious effort to keep it away, but it’s still here. Hell, I ended up spending most of last year writing about it even. 

And so I got to thinking, if I say that P is creepy and entirely likely to become a serial killer because of behaviors that he showed in high school, what the hell does that say about me?

Am I any better just because I have no sense of entitlement? 

Now of course, I am in no way a serial killer, and I have no desire to kill anyone, and I’m not just saying that or anything lol. I don’t like hurting people. 

But all the things that made him a good candidate, make me one just the same. Creepy obsessions that turned into writing. Sexual writing. Overlapping into other areas of my life. Stalking behaviors. I knew everything about her. Still do. Hell, I still have her fucking license plate memorized, and it’s not going away no matter how many times I try to forget it. And not only that, I have something I don’t remember ever seeing in him, I have violence. I spend a lot of time and effort making sure it does not show it’s head anymore, but when I was a kid I was so impulsively violent all the time. I almost clawed my best friend’s eyes out once, because she didn’t want to watch me dance (it was very fucking stupid, and I was like 8). I didn’t understand a lot empathy as a child, it had to be taught to me. And it was very successfully taught to me. I am now empathetic to a fault. Which is why I always end up being friends to creeps like P, because I get where he’s coming from. And I didn’t realize how much of a problem entitled white nerds were back in high school. To me, then, they were just friends. 

But the more I think about it, the more I think the one out of our high school class that showed the most warning signs for a thing like this... was me. Stalking behavior. Obsessions. Impulsivity. A history of violence. An abnormal relationship with the concept of empathy. The inability to realize how my actions could effect people. A lack of knowledge about when is and isn’t the time to turn in stories that are honestly just porn very clearly about my teachers (spoilers: it is literally never the right time, why the hell did I do that?). A technically broke home (but really, it was the best case senerio out of a divorce). A history of diagnosed mental illnesses and behavioral problems at school to the point where I was actually kicked out of kindergarten. 

But the thing is... I didn’t have those things all at once. But I can see the path now. If my parents weren’t as amazing as they were, and hadn’t been able to afford to, and be willing to get me the treatment and care I needed when I got kicked out of kindergarten, my life would be different. They sent me to a residential program at Yale, and got me stabilized on meds that I am still on today, mostly for ADHD. They worked with me, got me a therapist and a psyciatrist. They fought the school to get me any resources I need. They taught me how to not only resist impulses, but to not have them at all. Or rather, to channel them into helpful impulses. To the point where by the time I was in high school, and the whole obsession started, I was barely symptomatic for my ADHD at all. I was still violent, but not at the level of clawing out anyone’s eyeballs. Just far too many playful punches, far too often. 

But if they hadn’t? If those symptoms had festered, and my parents hadn’t been able to get me into such a good program and on a stable set of meds, where would I be? If I had still be having those sort of impulses when the obsession started? If life hadn’t worked out just perfectly for me... would I have been that kind of person? Would I be that kid? Would I be the kid voted most likely to be a serial killer? Probably. Hell, would I have gotten to the part where I could have killed someone? I can see a path forming for that. I wouldn’t have done it on purpose, of course, but honestly, I don’t think Jeffery Dahmer meant to kill his first victim either. 

(Again, not saying I would kill anyone. I wouldn’t. I have no desires to. But if life had been different, maybe I would have.)

But the more I think about this all, the more I see how much I’ve grown. I’m very rarely violent now. I still sometimes slip. I always will. But the less often, the better. It’s been 2 weeks, 4 days since I have last hit someone, and I honestly didn’t meant to that time. I just meant to knock off a hat. Before that, it had been months, if not years. Long enough, that I stopped keeping track of it. Long enough, that I trust myself not to now. 

It’s been years since I last saw the demon. I cut off communication with P after high school ended because without her, we had nothing to talk about. And I didn’t want to be about that anymore. i wanted to move on. 

And I’ll be entirely honest here, I’d like to say that I’m fully over it, that I haven’t thought about the whole thing in years. But that would be lying, and I told myself when I quit the first time, that I wasn’t going to lie about this. I don’t know how something like a person you don’t talk to can be so hard to quit, but honestly, it feels like a weird sort of addiction to me. I know that human beings are not addictive substances, but that’s what it feels like. it’s enough to convince me not to do anything actually addictive. It took me over a year after high school to get myself to stop reflexively going to her facebook page. It took me over two years to stop thinking of her every single time that I saw a woman with sunglasses on her head, or heard a country song. It took so damn long for me to stop writing about her. And honestly? I haven’t stopped. I wrote a story to close that Era in my writing only last year, finished it only 5 months ago. And there’s still another out there, that I won’t finish for years down the line. And maybe then, it’ll finally be over. 

But it’s not now. And that means that I need to keep working on myself, working every day to not slip into who I used to be. To have empathy and understanding for the people around me, and to continue to teach it to the children. To think creatively, and focus my attentions on things that won’t hurt people. To catch myself when I find myself starting to think about her. Or worse, starting to spiral with the same sort of idealology for someone else. And that does happen sometimes. I’ve been good about catching it so far, but it’s there lurking in my brain. It’s a part of me, even though it’s a part I’ve put in it’s own little time out corner. 

Because I have to work to be better. To be a better person, to atone for the things that I’ve done. 

And I guess when it comes down to it, that’s what makes me different. The choice to see the hurt the actions I’ve caused and do something about it. Not to hurt, because to be honest, she’s so damn oblivious that she never even noticed. But to those around me at the time. Like the ex I lost because of it. And to P, because there were things he didn’t do before I taught them to him. Like follow around women in a creepy manner. I had no idea at the time what that kind of sense of entitlement and that behavior can lead to. I was very naive. And if he ever does turn out to be a serial killer, or even a rapist, I know that I will feel the guilt of the things I taught him. And I know that’s why I can’t risk going into the spiral of it again, even though I know that it never actually hurt her. It’s the choice to evaluate my own past actions, and stop the harmful ones from happening again. To make a conscious effort to be a better person every single day, even when I’m tired. Even when it’s exhausting. Even when I’m sitting here being sad and repeatedly listening to Demi Lovator’s “Sober” It’s tempting at times, but in the immortal words of Taylor Swift: “Now that I’m clean, I’m never gonna risk it.”

tldr: I’m probably not going to be a serial killer, and neither is my creepy friend from high school, and also, I read a book about Jeffrey Dahmer

I doubt anyone actually reads this. It’s very long and a weird mix of personal and random facts about Jeffrey Dahmer. Also a note on the mood of the weekend as we were discussing who in our class would be a serial killer: we were also dressing up American Girl Dolls at the same time. because that’s just what we do. talk about serial killers while we play with dolls. 

[practicefortheheart]

Get to know me tag game

Tagged by @xanthippe74 - thank you! <3

1. why did you choose your url? It’s a phrase from a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. It depends on the translation, though. I recently found a better translation, where the phrase is “to exercise the heart”. The poem is The Ninth Duino Elegy. It’s long, but worth a read! 

2. sideblogs? I do, but none I’m actively using at the moment. I have a seperate art blog, but I just can’t be bothered to split it all up tbh.

3. how long have you been on tumblr? Forever. Too long. 

4. do you have a queue tag? No, I don’t really see the point in having a tag for it? 

5. why did you start your blog? To connect with fandom peeps!

6. why did you choose your icon? I’ve had the same gingerbatch icon for absolute years and it was hard to switch, but I wasn’t in the sherlock fandom anymore and it started to make less and less sense. So I picked one of Harry instead. It was part of my six fanarts and probably one of the earliest Harry’s I ever drew! 

7. why did you choose your header? It’s bad, I need to change it. Don’t look. It’s not lined out properly. I was distracted in the middle of tinkering with it, and forgot about it. 

8. post with most notes? I think this Drarry art. I don’t know why that one exploded like it did, I have better ones, I feel.

9. how many mutuals do you have? I don’t know where to check that, but I guess quite a few!

10. how many followers do you have? A little over 5k. As I said above, I’ve been here for a long long time. I think most of them are inactive, porn bots or Sherlock fans who are still following me for Sherlock art (it ain’t happening, sorry!)

11. how many people do you follow? Around 600. 

12. ever made a shitpost? I don’t think so? 

13. how often do you use Tumblr each day? At least once a day, if only to check on notes. I used to be online all the time, but I’ve been a lot less active lately. 

14. did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog? Not really. I did get a bit of anon hate, but it never got bad. I’m not down for any kind of drama. 

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? Not impressed.

16. do you like tag games? Sure! 

17. do you like ask games? Yeah, most of them are fun.

18. which of your tumblr friends/mutuals do you think is famous? Can you really be famous on Tumblr though? You’re all stars to me!

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? When don’t I have a crush on a mutual? 

Tagging everyone who sees this and isn’t tagged already. Yes, I mean you. Please tag me so I can get to know you! <3

[dracolucius-abraxusmalfoy]

HI @justashadowinthedarkness okay, so I saw your post (of which I left a comment too) and I decided to make you an unsolicited fic rec list that you may or may not appreciate. Honestly, it was fun to make though. 

TURN is amazing it is definitely one of the most amazing fanfics ever written. But don’t despair!! There are so many amazing other fics as well!

Every fic by saras_girl ever will give you that same sense of deep satisfaction. Trust me. Her advents are particularly amazing. These couple are my favourites of hers but read everything even all the one-shots.

season of the spirit  95k. Absolutely fantastic and beautiful

Girl in The Kneazle Knighty 30k. terribly sweet.

Helix 92k JUST

All Must Draw Near 61k ugh

All Life is Yours to Miss 114k no words

Other authors:

Running on Air by elevntey7 74k This is probably one of the, if not the most beautiful fanfics ever written in this fandom. It's... incredible.

Survival is a Talent by @shanastoryteller 299k WIP There are no words for how much I love this fic. It is by far my favourite storyline, the writing is quality and the humour is... ya I laugh out loud at least twice a chapter. I wait impatiently for each chapter to appear in my inbox. (currently on hiatus in between books. She updates once a month like clockwork, like nearly to the day, when she is posting. No doubt it will continue)

Never Grow a Wishbone by @shanastoryteller 87k also a WIP and on hiatus. Updates monthly in rotation with siat. You gotta love politics, but it's so so worth it. Honestly. I read for the politics over anything else. Shana's world-building is like no other. Fits less on this list but I can’t not mention everything hp written by Shana sorry (not sorry at all tbh).

Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 302k Long. Vaguely angsty. So worth it.

A Piercing Comfort by talithan 44k I read this when I’m feeling down and it never fails to make me feel better. It's just so. sweet and perfect. CWs apply. Read the tags.

Wild by seefin 92k Beautiful. Very intriguing plot and magical theory. Different from most post-war fics and i love it. 

Almost everything by Zeitgeistic (faire_weather). Notables include Azoth 88k, Antediluvia 56k, Manticoria 70k and Golden Age 52k. Remember that tags are important! CWs apply. This goes for most of their other older fics.

Dwelling by aideomai 83k just. Read it honestly. please. another absolute favourite. I might actually read it again right now. soft+angst+every trope you could ever need or want.

Away Childish Things by lettered 153k. Bare with the storyline. I started reading it and got a little bored in the first two chapters, but when it won the 2018 drarry awards  I decided to give it another go and honestly I’m so glad I did.

Earth Bound Spook by cest_what 57k

Blue sky is living here today by Ignatiustrout 5k. Short. But absolutely fantastic.

The Kitchen Thieves and The Kitchen Herself by pie 67k. ...different. Lovely but. different. Keep with it though.

Strageness and Charm by @feelsforbreakfast 45k Quietly beautiful. So soft.

Any Instrament by @dictacontrion 131k dicta is one of those fandom gods like Sara who has a million fics that are all brilliant. Read her. Worship her. 

(also Dyson_rules. Great fics, more humour based though? Still a god)

At Your Service by faithwood 95k *dies*

Eternally Consitent by kitsunealyc 44k two words. Mind. Fuck. But a beautiful one (okay 6 words)

The Claiming of Grimmauld Place by @bixgirl1 74k again. fandom god. Bixgirl is kind of amazing and also incredibly sweet. 

What We Pretend We Can’t See by @gyzym 131k I’m not crying you are.

I’m sure there are so many wonderful fics that I’m missing. In fact, I’m positive that there are ones I just can’t think of, and because I lost so many when my computer crashed (and I didn’t have a back up) I can’t go check. There are also so many lists out there. Frequent them! especially the ‘drarry for beginners’ lists that have all the amazing classics that I haven't included here because while they are absolutely fantastic and amazing don't elicit that deep warm bloom in the centre of my chest that TURN and every fic on this list does, or because they aren’t really my cup of tea.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S2 Ep2: Fire, Screaming, More Fire

Last we left Yugi, he’s yet again endangered his life by ditching school in order to duel some magic weirdo in an abandoned warehouse instead of just calling the police. Bakura’s been staring at the outside of this warehouse for at least a few minutes, probably deciding if it’s worth the effort. A rough decision.

Also, I mentioned this last episode, but it became super apparent in this episode with all these slow pans on this kid, but he used to actually look like a child last season but now looks...different? This awkward teen had a real big growth spurt over the past few arcs he was away. Apparently Bakura joined the local barre class or did Keto or maybe just used dark magic? I dunno.

They very clearly were like “we gotta sex up Bakura, he’s just so hard to look at” but then they changed nearly everything BUT the hair? The one irredeemable thing? The most cringey thing to look at on Bakura? they left it? They made him tall and fit but then left this weird mass of shapes on his head?

Anyways, he came out here just to track the puzzle but realized instead, he got a 2 for 1 package deal today.

(read more under the cut)

...he can just un-possess people? Ring beats wizard staff? (or rod, or whatever it is that this guy is holding off camera in the shot below. I think it was called a Millennium rod or something. Makes sense. It’s gold and has an eye on it.)

Keith has been possessed for...who knows how long, and he has a lot to take in. First off, he’s in a different country when last he remembers he was stranded in the ocean. Secondly, he’s in an abandoned warehouse with a minor which is all sorts of awkward to explain to the police. Third off, he’s playing cards? And then fourth off:

So glad I got to post this Bandit Keith meltdown in July. Even when he’s dumped in the ocean, possessed, trapped in a cult, shipped to Japan, and forced to dress like a knock-off heartless, despite alll of that, the flag bandana remained? You can remove all of Bandit Keith from Bandit Keith, but he will always wear his USA pride like someone who’s originally secretly born in Ontario and is desperately trying to hide it from their Texan Mother in Law.

That or he’s totally bald under that bandanna. Like one of those gas station redneck hats.

Here’s a redneck hat for the people in the room that aren’t from the States:

Like I’m 80% certain that Keith’s hair is not his real hair.

Also, damn, this brand is called “Mullet On the Go” and that is the best business name I’ve ever heard.

Yugi just assumes that Bandit Keith is mad about losing...and it says a lot about how much people freak out in this universe in how Yugi can’t tell the difference between when someone loses a game and when someone is possessed and trying to regain control of their mind. The two type of meltdowns really do look strikingly similar.

Even the bird looks like he’s just embarrassed to be here. Especially when this happens.

OH.

This is possible!?

I just assumed all those pieces welded together magically or something. But apparently this is hella possible!

So, possessed Bandit Keith decides to pull “A Mokuba” Which is what I call it, when someone peaces out halfway through the game and just steals stuff so the other person can’t play anymore. Still the ultimate move. Unrivaled in how effective it is. So far one of the only risk-free sure fire ways to beat Yugi Muto (other than threatening to kill yourself, which is option #2)

Does it count as a death if Pharaoh is already dead? Probably not, huh? Anyway, Ryou Bakura snaps out of it, goes back to Ryou, buttons up every single button on his shirt and jacket all the way up to his neck because he’s like way too much of a prude when he’s nice to show off that he’s been running that 5K, and then...decides to do this????

Is this how he’s been working out this whole time??? Has he just been Footloosing it through warehouses in his off hours, how is he so good at this???

Bakura kinda switches back and forth from being nice and being...Bakura. It’s not clear if Ryou is a face Bakura’s wearing just to deceive Yugi, or if Ryou is doing his best to interfere but just can’t interfere with the important stuff like this:

Yugi, reunited with the many pieces of his puzzle, looks at them with this big dumb smile while, at the same time, Bakura hashes out for us, the viewers, a reminder/recap about everything we learned about the history of this puzzle thing from last season.

TBH it’s a fair way to do recap for an entire season. Instead of having it slapped together at the beginning like some boring book report, instead just have it naturally slip in when you actually need to remember all this content. Although, TBH, if you just started watching Season 2 without Season 1, I doubt any of this recap would have helped make any of this make sense. Especially the part where a Pharaoh had Yugi’s hair. That’s just...that’s sort of a stretch, ya?

And Bakura does all of this within 2 feet of Yugi.

I guess we get to go back to Brain Fortress at some point. Have fun with the floor traps, Bakura. Have fun dealing with every corner of Yugi’s mind including the room that is just that really weird huge bowling pin and 50,000 oversized legos.

And then, Bakura just falls off this platform and flat on his ass, which kind of summarizes this guy altogether. Lots of trying so hard to look cool that it ends up going full circle and making him more awkward than just being...chill.

But, once the dust has settled, and the Bakura ancient curse has left the field, Bandit Keith decides he’s not dead and fully wakes up because the jetlag is apparently very real when you’re possessed.

WHAT!?

WHO!?

Just two rando cans of leaky ass gasoline???

Ah, now we’re watching Yugioh.

Yugi, the genius he is, decides he must save the puzzle. But like...why? Pharaoh’s already dead. He’s not going anywhere. But maybe Yugi never attended enough class to learn that most metals don’t melt in a house fire.

I mean this is magic metal so like...probably needs way more than fire to get rid of it. Probably have to toss it straight into space.

Oh man, the big new chain came back to bite him in the ass yet again--and not just this time, but multiple times this episode it keeps coming back to “why the hell did you get such a strong ass chain!?”

This chain is Yugi’s hubris. His Icarus wings.

Busting through the door with their feet, Joey and Tristan come across a whole lot of random things that happen all at the same time and it’s just them saying WTF WTF WTF over and over again until the episode ends.

They assume that Keith was the only one in this building quickly entering the first stage of Hell, but they had a feeling they should just double check, just in case, and their reaction to seeing their best friend here amongst the fire was  “ah damn it, not again.”

Very surprised that Yugi’s hair has held up and has not gone up like a match. Maybe it was hair washing day and so it wasn’t full of grease yet?

Also, it’s nice to think that somewhere, just a few blocks away, Kaiba and Ryou are just having a wonderful day on the soccer field, birds singing, sun shining. A soft breeze in the air.

Meanwhile:

That’s not a joke I made--Yugi really did pass out like this. Which is how this bizarre scene happened:

This show has MOMENTS.

When they realize they should maybe pull the ring out instead of in, they finally got it out.

How did Bandit Keith get it in there in the first place!?

I’m pretty sure I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen someone in an anime carry someone from the front.

Yugi wakes up in a hospital, everyone is covered in anime battle damage (you know how when you get 3rd degree burns they just toss a couple bandaids on your face?), and he has some pretty choice jammies.

The episode ends on a weird note of Tea just getting real dark out of nowhere. OK

Bakura didn’t feel like coming to the hospital? Man. I can never tell with that kid.

Well that was a lot of...fire...right out of the gate, next week, on Yugioh:

Will Pharaoh and Bakura have a wacky Odd Couple situation in the puzzle chamber? Does Yugi change in the tow chain for a series of combination locks? Does Bandit Keith get stranded in Japan without any money, and have to race ducks like he’s in Shenmue?

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: The Art of Losing

Last week, @redphlox, @sojustifiable and @soundofez stopped in to talk about their 2016 Resbang, The Art of Losing! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: What is your fav scene, to write or just based on how it turned out! 

redphlox: I def had fun writing the climax, it was so much drama and I. love. writing. drama. I'm happiest with that. I also really enjoyed writing the middle section, where Soul and Maka are traveling, because i got to build their relationship in small scenes. It was fun to write a scene and realize it could lead to something else. It blossomed.

Q: Amanda and fez, you both did some really cool unique art! What made you wanna work in those mediums and how did you decide what scenes or subjects you wanted to art?

Amanda: Last year my default position was that I wanted to write music because I wasn't as experienced with visual art and I love writing songs based on stories and I definitely decided to stick with that for Julie's because she has a really poetic style that made for good lyric mining. And then for my other piece, marsh had sent me a bunch of cool art supplies and I wanted to try them out so I decided to do some work with pastels.

fez: I had enough Resbangs that I wanted to do something different for each one? And I'd been wanting to animate lately and I knew I could find gifs to trace from Anastasia so that helped. The third gif tho... so the night before post day I felt like I hadn't really done enough with the Fic Itself, all I really did was trace movie gifs and idk, I wanted to actually have scenes from the fic. So I started skimming and looking for things to sketch and then I came across one particular line that inspired my third gif and... that one took over lmao rip.

Q: What made you inspired to write an Anastasia AU?

redphlox: I was watching the movie and I thought "Imagine Soul in Dimitri's outfit" and it snowballed from there! I also love Anya and Dimitri's relationship, they have a lot of sass at first and grow to like each other, and I saw a lot of SoMa in them.

Q: Amanda/fez, do you feel like you grew in ur arting skillz from this Resbang, and how so? Same for you and writing, Julie.

fez: I learned that animating hair is stupidly difficult hahah. But yes, I definitely learned things about animating (namely how it takes a suuuuuper long time) and it made me appreciate animation so much more.

Amanda: Every time I write a song it definitely gets easier and I can rely more on motivation than waiting for raw inspiration.

redphlox: Hmm I felt like I grew in the plotting department. Style-wise, I learned I change styles a lot, and finding my voice for this fic was incredibly hard at first. It took 3 months to iron out the beginning because of these things, but the rest flowed after I found something I could own. I also learned to write faster and to be more disciplined. I committed to doing 1k a day to trudge through the difficult parts, and on days where I felt inspired I did a lot more than that.

Q: What was the hardest scene to write?

redphlox: Lord, the hardest was the beginning, for plotting reasons. I kept writing and deleting and adding characters and deleting them, it was awful. Overall I think the opening scene gave me more hell than it should have because I couldn't decide how I wanted Soul and Maka's relationship to start.

Q: What kinds of things did you do to find the voice and tone for the fic? Are there any writing rituals you have?

redphlox: I have to find a song that puts me in the feel of the scene I'm writing and I listen to it on repeat the whole time, haha. And to get myself pumped up, I read a lot of good writing that I admire.

Q: Do you do playlists for each fic?

redphlox: I listen to the same songs when I write, tbh. I listened to "4 page letter" by Aaliyah a LOT for this fic. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2maiIc_LACs). The lyrics don't fit the fic but I love the emotion behind Aaliyah's song, and her voice is beautiful. The longing is real, and that's what I wanted Soul and Maka's relationship to lead up to. I also listened to this song over and over again: https://youtu.be/bs2VL_HYG9Y.

Q: What inspired Maka's parents story for you, if anything? I know that that was an interesting subplot that I was not expecting when I read it!

redphlox: I wanted to stick to canon, but I also wanted to borrow from the movie, haha. So Spirit and his wife not having the best relationship comes from the manga, and everything else was a sprinkle from the movie. I was just trying to make everything plausible and it turned out into this subplot xD. All the little bits of what Maka COULD remember had to make sense in the end so I had to think and think and think.

Q: The jazz scene was one of my faves, and one that didn't really have a movie parallel. Was that a scene that you knew to write from the beginning, or did it pop up on its own?

redphlox: That scene literally popped up on its own. It was one of those that bloomed because of the previous scene. I also wanted to address Soul's love/hate relationship with music and extend the metaphor of Maka being able to see things around her, and that included Soul.

Q: Did you do any research to nail the period? Same question to all.

fez: Julie gave us clothing references ;v; I... really didn't do any research.

redphlox: Oh yeahhhh. I know the movie is set in the 1920s-ish and I wanted my fic to be vague time-period wise so that I didn't have to commit to too many intricate details, but I did look up clothing references for Amanda and fez. And I had to research transporation methods for that time period, because Soul and Maka spent so much time doing that. I wanted to be subtle, but not entirely inaccurate. Idk how many times I googled "1920s women’s fashion" in different words.

Q: What are you most proud of?

redphlox: I'm most proud of how much I wrote in so little time. I lost 3 months agonizing over my writing style and the opening scene. I don't think I got the beginning down until after second author check-ins. So when it just clicked, I cranked out 13k one week, 10k the next, and 5k in one day :0 It was insane. I'm also really proud of chapters 5-8 because everything was piling up for the characters and I introduced Spirit and Wes, and tension were running high between Soul and Maka. I can't tell you how much I love to make them suffer.

Q: I loved the part where Soul is like "WAIT WHAT BOY" when she "remembers" him when they're in the train. Did you pull from anything specific to get those emotions across?

redphlox: Ahhh I pulled from those depression feels of inadequacy LOL. He was just touched that he had an impact on her, bc the time they had together was v little. ;-;

Q: Did you watch the movie a lot? I really love how you managed to capture the feel of it while staying true to the spirit of the SE characters. How did you manage to walk that line so well?

redphlox: Ahh, I watched it the first time when I decided to write it, and then I watched it with fez at her house, and I watched it again when I was at my most frustrated with writing. Anddd I love that movie so much, it's one of my favorites, and I wanted to do it justice. I wanted to capture its feeling, because it's so beautiful and nostalgic. I didn't want to take everything from the movie, because some of it didn't fit the characters. Like, I couldn't see Soul trying to con someone for their money, like Dimitri did in the movie, but I could def see Spirit heartbroken but hopeful of seeing his daughter come back one day, even if it was stupid.

Q: Did you have any beta comments Julie that you particularly liked/thought were funny/encouraged you?

redphlox: All of bendandcurl's comments were super encouraging and insightful, and anytime Proma gave me a thumbs up on something I did feel like a proud student. Because my fic was more of a serious drama than fluff there weren't any funny comments besides the occasional gif during a serious moment in the fic.

Q: Okay but. Anya. Did you consider having her make an appearance?

redphlox: Oh I did! I had originally written Anya coming into the bakery to meet Soul in the very beginning to talk about their thing but leave after he didn't show up. That way later, when the truth was revealed, Maka could've had a lightbulb OH moment. But then I decided against it and left Anya as a background character.

Q: fez, I wanted to ask why you liked the spirit and maka gif so much, what inspired you to pick that scene?

fez: Ahhhh I have a lot of family feels, so when I saw the twirlies I... I wanted it. Maka's pigtails made me suffer but in the end it was worth it.

Q: What was [everyone's] favorite part about collaborating?

Amanda: Oo well first of all I was excited to work with fez and Julie because they are both gr8 and I had no idea Julie was writing it, so it was a really fun surprise, and then also a perfect fic to write a song for because Julie has so many good phrases to pull for lyrics.

fez: I also flipped out when I found out I'd be working with Julie and Amanda ;v; probably I had the most fun throwing my WIPs around ahah;;

redphlox: I was so stunned when I saw that Amanda picked mine, and that multiplied when fez joined. :0 It was a wild ride, and seeing their progress on their art was phenomenal like, they truly brought it to life and I'm so grateful for their hard work. I'm happy with it, it was a good team.

[athleisure-aesthetic]

Ugh I did the thing again where I was busy all week and forgot to post on here. So here’s a lightning fast recap of my workouts from the past week, if you care at all. I actually think I worked out (ish, except Friday kinda) every day which is a first in a while. Bless.

Tues Mar 21 Abs and shopping. I went home after work to get my car so that I could drive to trainings the next two days, but went out to Target as soon as I got home, cause duh. Stupid idea to try on like real clothes tho, my self-conscious ass was like ohhhhh no way you need to tighten up those saddle bags and that back fat before you get any of this. So. I got a crop sweatshirt and athletic leggings, felt bad about myself but hadn’t had dinner, so I went to Wawa. Woof.

3x each 15 reps straight leg raises 15 reps roll ups leaning camel x 45s bird dogs x 45s 60 reps heal touches plank 35s, 40s, 45s 10 reps assisted push up 40 reps russian twists 8# alternating superman 1 min 15 reps single leg pulses

Wed Mar 22 Run on the trail after this horrific training class in which I was literally the only student for an all day session. And I had to go back the next day 😩 went to Marshall’s before my run to see if I could find any cold weather gear bc I only had my sweatshirt, gloves, wool earwarmers, and thin leggings. Didn’t find any of that, but got those AMAZING NEON PINK LEGGINGS IN THAT ONE PICTURE and some other ones too. You know me, can’t stay away from that athleisure ish.

It was hella freezing and took me so long to warm up once I started on the trail. Fortunately it was so picturesque and my music was bangin so. I survived.

2.78 mi 9'55" min / mi

Thurs Mar 23 6 x 200m sprints on the trail. Bless up, convinced my instructor to finish early bc tbh he was not really all that helpful once I started following the book that was included, so I went to the mall and got some more athleisure (deh), cheap sunglasses, athletic ear warmers for $.50 each, a VERY cute lightweight rain jacket, and (!!!!!) these black leather slip-on sneakers I’ve been looking for for like 6 months. I just caved and got the name brand ones but stILl omg I’m so excited about them I finally found them.

Started the sprints in the cotton leggins I was wearing, then after like maybe 9 or 10 strides I was like oh FUCk no they suddenly lost all their elasticity and I was having to pull them up for my life. So after completely embarrassing myself hoisting those mothereffers up for my first sprint, I jumped in the car and changed into spandex pants, then zoomed back to the trail start and actually did my workout. Good thing my house is only 8 minutes away from that part of the trail.

I think I may have mis-read what my Nike app was telling me to do, but I’m pretty sure it said to do 6 x 200m sprints with 4:45 min in between. So that’s essentially what I did, I sprinted for the 200m and ran / jogged in between. Although the app only recorded the distance for the sprints, I wanna say I did a little more than the day before, since I went further on the trail. I hate that you can’t go back and check what it told you to do; you only see how you actually ran according to the app. Lame af. Though I was proud, I increased my sprint speed at almost every length except the 3rd.

0.77mi 6'59" min / mi (lol can’t believe I actually ran a mile faster than that at one point in my life holy shit)

Fri Mar 24 No real workout here, since I had to leave work early to take the train back to le Nova for Palooza. I scarfed down a Snap pizza (the classic spot) right before the show, and somehow stayed away from the dangers of late night college food. Though I did get all my steps in my showing one of our friends’ home friend around campus, and apparently that little tour counted for a nice brisk walk. Obvi the Snovas killed it, as a great opener for what my friends and I dubbed AcaWeekend. Saturday they’d be competing at ICCA regional semifinals #pitchperfect for the first time ever, which was so exciting. Palooza the day before was just their warmup, but fortunately we got to see two new songs from them. It kinda sucked for them though bc they went first out of the seven groups and the sound guys always need a few groups to warm up before they actually refine the balance, and they just sounded muddled. Womp. Oh well. Everyone knows they’re/we’re the best anyway. Proud alum.

Sat Mar 25 Run in the morning before the day’s festivities. This was a quick workout before most of the humans who stayed in my apartment became humans, a brief mile ish to the waterfront and back. I realized I’d been wearing a blueish shirt and black leggings in literally all of my pics lately so I spiced it up with these fun stripey ones. Lol.

We adventured to brunch, where I had a yummy spinach and goat cheese salad with fig dressing, and wandered around the city for the afternoon before we had to head to semis. I splurged on Hunger Burger at RTM because I told myself that this was my indulgence for the weekend, and I wasn’t going to be drinking anymore for the next few months (it’s not like I do it that often anyway, I just want to try it to see how it helps my training/weight loss, if at all), so I got a specialty thin mint shake. Woops. Honestly, it was so worth it though, and I didn’t even end up eating most of the fries anyway, so it wasn’t the worst I could’ve done.

At semis, there were literally so many good groups and we were all like oh shit how are they going to stack up?? But Snovas SLAYED even better than they did last time and ENDED UP IN THIRD PLACE WHICH IS THE CRAZIEST BEST HONOR WE’VE EVER GOTTEN AND IT’S JUST SO COOL!!!!! A cappella is the shit, guys, I swear. I’m so proud of those kiddos, and they get to submit a wildcard video for a chance at Finals in NYC which is like legitimately insane. They’re somewhere in the top 18-27 groups in the country right now, and coming from a school where we legit don’t have music majors and a joke of a music activities staff / support, this coulD NOT be cooler. They murdered it. And so did all the other groups at semis, like damn. We weren’t even sure anything was gonna happen for them, but they clearly did some things right. Ugh so obvi we celebrated when we got back to Philly, going to a few bars and ending up at Frankford, where we got some amazing soft pretzels and other snacks. Best day ever.

1.26 mi 9'21" min / mi

1.32 mi 10'03" min / mi

Sun Mar 26 Long ish run and relaxing. Got up and was worried about the weather forecast for Monday because I was supposed to be doing my long run for next week then, and it was going to be torrentially downpouring all day, so I was hoping to switch my days because the weather was decent enough that I could’ve done it on Sunday. But then I updated my app and A, it changed my schedule for this week anyway, and B, I remember I could’ve moved it anyway if I wanted to. So instead I went and did that 5K Sunday challenge thing that it introduced. And I ran back from there, so it actually was closer to the 5 miles I had wanted to do anyway. So ya.

I felt a little subconscious in these leggings because, though they are a spectacularly bright and amazing color, they also show my cellulite on the back of my legs… but I thought, fuck it, people will see me, and if they give me a look, I’ll just push harder and show them that cellulite means nothing if you’re fast and capable and strong. So. I used it to empower me, I guess.

Spent the rest of the day relaxing and watching ICCA videos, still hyped up on the Snovas victory. Legit it’s still coming to me in waves, it’s actually incredible.

3.11 mi 9'41" min / mi

1.53 mi 9'44" min /mi

Mon Mar 27 Full body circuit and a benchmark run. Work is starting to bore me so much lol on Monday I think I may have done approximately 2 work related things all day, otherwise I was just distracted. I decided to do a NTC workout and then my benchmark, so I chose Body Flexor 2.0, which worked a lot of different areas and was pretty fun. Then I ran on the treadmill for my benchmark for the first time, which was weird knowing my exact speed at certain times and being able to force myself to a certain pace. If I have to do it that way again, next time I’ll just cover the numbers and just focus on how it feels to push hard. The picture up there is me literally dying because of how sweaty I was. Plus fun leggings from Marshall’s.

1.54 mi 9'49" min / mi

Tues Mar 28 Abs / some arms, plus 20 minutes on the elliptical. I was an idiot today, and not only forgot a hair tie after my shower, but I left my phone at home, which I realized too late in the elevator on the way to work. Nice. So I had to go without both all day, though Kelly let me borrow a hair tie so I could work out thank GoD cause I was looking at using a legit rubber band, which would’ve been awful. The moves I chose for abs today ended up also working my arms a lot, which was nice to combo them. Because I didn’t have my phone, I just kind of had to make up my elliptical workout, which was meh but whatever. Next time I’ll be prepared. That’s definitely not my favorite type of cardio anyway.

Tonight I made these AMAZING baked zucchini fries, I probably could’ve eaten like 90 million in one sitting they were so crunchy and good. My sweet potato fries didn’t turn out so good (I actually burned the shit out of them, but I’m going to attempt to eat them tomorrow for lunch anyway 🙃) but I’m happy I’m trying new things in the kitchen, even if it’s taking me like 3 hours each time lolol.

I’m down a few pounds from last week, though, which is kind of nice! A little affirmation after working hard every day.

3x each 15 reps dumbbell side bends alt. sides 8# 15 reps twisting core stabilizers alt. sides 8# 15 reps bow extensions alt. sides 8# 15 reps woodchops 8# 10 reps windmills 5# 40 reps russian twists 8# 30 s plank 7 reps full extension inch worms 15 reps in-&-outs

Wooooof I’m going to try to post more often now that I’m all caught up. Lol it may last for a day but you know. #Goals.

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 16} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^ 

Anonymous said: I FORGOT IT WAS TUESDAY AHHH!!! can't wait for the next chapter 😘😘

I hope you enjoyed it!

Anonymous said: I won't stop you is almost here I'm gonna die bitch I'm ready for it

Pls donut die ;c lol I hope you liked the chapter :D

@wang-banana said: EIGHT ON TIME IM SO EXITED

YAY I HOPE YOU LIKED IT!

Anonymous said: PH MY GOD IS HEDE FONALLY I WONT STOP YOU I CANT EVEN THPE

WOOHOO I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKED IT MY DEAR

@succingjimin said: ITS HERE!!! I WONT STOP YOU!!!!!!

It’s hereeeee! lolol thank you babe I hope you enjoyed it :D

Anonymous said: THIRTEEN IS AN UNLUCKY NUMBER

GASP o:

Anonymous said: I just wanted to tell you that I absolutely love I wont stop you. It kind of became a 'safe-place' for me, if i may say so. I've been feeling really empty and down for the past few months, but with this series i have something to look forward to every tuesday and for that i am really grateful! The story, even if its angst (which i like! ...well ;-; as long as it has a happy ending hopefully), lifts my mood and makes me forget some thoughts! Thank you so much for writing it! Have a great day! <3

Oh my goodness ^^ This makes me really happy to hear that it has become a safe place for you to escape the feelings of emptiness. I can empathise with you as I too, have intense feelings of emptiness (but feeling everything so intensely as well - confusing, I know.) I’m so grateful that something I do helps you to look forward to every Tuesday and it can calm you down a little~ I won’t lie; the story will contain a lot of sad/rage parts, but I think the ending may be one that will make you happy c: Thank you my dear and I hope you have a day that is as wonderful as you.

Anonymous said: Oh my god can i just tell you how MUCH i love the subtle fluff here and there!!! I love how JK thought of her as 'my Y/N' i love how lowkey jealous he got when he thought of another mans hands on you body/or parts of your body that belonged only to him. i love how tae and jimin could smell the ~mating~ LOL Even i giggled there! Especially because, well, jk is a fcking dom and i love it! Oh, btw, do you have any idea around how many chapters it will have? or are you just going with the flow? :)

Ahhh thank you so much for loving the ‘my (Y/N)’ bit! When I put that in, it made me feel super, super soft c: I’m a bit like the reader in a sense that sometimes, I feel that overprotective boyfriends and such are kind of lowkey problematic but...sometimes - it makes me feel super smug and happy at the thought? It’s probably an unpopular opinion. I like people being protective over me! lol  THE SMELL OF LOVEEEEE IN THE AIR~ *wink* hehe. And actually, I have NO idea how many chapters there will be! I have an outline for the rest of the story but I usually stop around 5,000 words for each chapter. But there is still a lot to happen, so it won’t be ending any time soon :D Thank you so much for reading!

@semisweetsuga said: Taehyung - a blessing. This story - a blessing. You - a blessing. 16 was so good Sara!!! I loved it!!!!! Love, your gay nerd

You: the biggest blessing on planet earth - end of story, no if’s, and’s or but’s ^^ My gay nerd lmfao I love you v much my dear and I hope you’re doing well (sorry I’m a piece of shit and I never reply on line; I’ve been an anti-social mop recently) Thank you for still liking me even tho I’m a terrible friend :c

@jynxy24 said: Sara, damn you. IWSY came out and I was SCREAMING! Now, Yoongi is going after reader for, whatever reason more than one, I'm pretty sure that this is gonna turn into some sort of love triangle. :D I mean, I hope so. (Smut pls) I'm not perverted, I swear!(Kill me)  But! If yoongi decides to change for reader, I WILL LOVE YOU TO DEATH! Not that I don't, I WILL ALWAYS! Keep staying awesome please, love ya!

Jynxyyyy~~ YOU WANT A VAMP YOONKOOK THREESOME? Damn - rest in peace if that ever happened Cx Hehe I can’t promise that something like that may or may not happen, but I won’t promise it won’t either. Are you confused yet? Good ^.^ muahaha~ I love you too my dear and thank you so much for reading the new chapter!

@moonlighthollow said: Omg the story is getting better and better I'm so hyped😲😍 i wanna read the next part so badly😭😢 but i know you need some time to write it and i fully respect that so no pressure hahah I'll wait😄♥IT'S JUST SO DAMN GOOD 😍

Ahhh I’m so happy that you think that my love! And no haha don’t worry I know you don’t mean it like that, it makes me super hyped that you’re really looking forward to the next part! So don’t worry at all c: Thank you a million times for reading the new part and I hope you’ll look forward to next week’s too!!

Anonymous said: You are such an amazing writer,I love you <3 Thank you so much for the update and posting a new chapter every single week, honestly it makes my Tuesday a whole lot better.I really can't wait for when Jungkook tell Y/N that he's a vampire, I am sure she'll love his regardless :) High key loving those vmin moments, its so cute :D Yoongi though what is he planning?! Can't wait for the next part , thank you again <3

Awhjfsgijwnegw I love you too *hugs* There’s no need to thank me because it’s my pleasure! I really enjoy uploading for all you guys and I will always try my 100% best to upload on time and thankfully I have been able to keep that promise since I began this blog with any series that I’ve written! (Actually, sidenote - when this series ends, I hope to do a small 1-3 chapters on Vmin and how they came to be; just for all of us lovely Vmin shippers out there :3) Thank you very much for reading my series lovely!

@audreymv said: I bet Yoongi wants to turn her. Omg I am so in edge and I am not ready but pleasw let her understand that Jungkook is a good vampire. Gosh Jimin is so cute and how he is just with Tae is just, my heart hurts and just flutters for them and dang Jungkook I PRAY FOR HIM. Literally loving this series

Hello cutie! hehe yes all the adorable Vmin moments~ (tbh, I kind of ship Taehyung with everyone...he’s just too adorable my lil bb aw) I’m super happy that you’re loving the series babe :D Thank you so much for reading the new chapter :D

Anonymous said: Sara these updates need to be longer I'm hungry for more 😛😛😛😛 I can't wait for next Tuesday

Loooonger?! It was 5k words! Hehe~ Thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoy next weeks chapter too my love! :D

Anonymous said: I'm so happy that I finally found a story that leaves me wanting more and makes me look forward to the next chapter! Like, I look forward to Tuesday's now because of IWSY. And the new chapter is amazing as per usual 😊. I am very happy that you write because your writing is ACTUALLY AMAZING!! I love your writing and I love this story!!!! Looking forward to what will happen next!!!❤️❤️ ~Ro

Hey Ro! I’m glad you found a story that leaves you wanting more :D Ahh you’re making me blush so much with all your wonderful words and compliments *hides* Thank you so much, I really don’t deserve such words ^^ You’re amazing and I hope you have a wonderful day my love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ^^

@fashionkilla124 said: I SWEAR ON THE PANTIES IN MY DRESSER, IF IWSY STORY ENDS SAD IM SELLING MY SOUL TO KFC😫😩

I AM LEGITIMATELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER WHAT THE FUKJNDNGSDNGEG SELL YOUR SOUL TO KFC OH MY FNGKJNDSP I CAN’TBREATHE

Anonymous said: When you thought the dress was finally gonna be revealed BUT IT HASN'T YET OMG I'M GONNA DIE OF SUSPENSE

NEXT CHAPTER I PROMISE YOU OKAY YOU WILL GET A LENGTHY DESCRIPTION :D

Anonymous said: IWSY is so goooooddddd. Like I'm hella shook rn. You're writing is amazing. It's so hard to find a quality fanfic these days. Thank you for blessing us all with these amazing stories. I'll be back next Tuesday ready for some of that good stuff. I love you! ~New Anon, BabyKookie

Hello lil BabyKookie ^^ Ah >< your compliments are so wonderful - I appreciate them so much, thank you babe :) I’m really happy to know that you’re enjoying my series and that you’re looking forward to the future chapters! I love you too and I hope you have an amazing day/night! :D

Anonymous said: Omg what are the jeons gonna think of y/n??? Like if they knew they guk and yn? Would they accept their pure son? Also I love gay tae and jimin. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT JIMIN WAS SAYING THE DRESS CAN WAIT A SEC OMG

I wonder too, indeed! Will the King and Queen of the Eternal Kingdom accept the fact their son - the Prince, has fallen in love with a human? D: I hope so! :c hehe~ Ahhh my Vmin feels recently c: Thank you so much for reading my dear ^^

@kpop-everythings said: I have got wait till next Wednesday now 😫. Fuck you time distance, fuck you to eternity and beyond.

To eternity and beyond hehe awww I’m sorry my love! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll like next weeks parts too! ^^

Anonymous said: Oooooooohhhh what's gonna happen at the ball oml I can't wait for the next part! I have so many questions that I know you won't answer fml I just have to wait week after week but that's ok cuz it's so worth the wait every time. You're such an amazing writer tbh. I love this series so much and I love you ! Also where do you get inspiration from and how did you come up with this story cuz it's just soooooo good I'm ded

You’re damn right I won’t give anything away ;D Hehe thank you so much for reading and I love you too! Way back in March 2016, I had started to plan a Vampire series. But, due to a few reasons, I couldn’t begin it/post it (which I can’t really talk about lol). But - someone sent in a request asking for a VampKook smut around 18 weeks ago. So - I decided to use that opportunity to turn it into a series with all of my hard work creating lore and history and background to a world inside my head! I’m so happy that you like it :3

@cynicalspacehoe said: Okay first of all: OH MY GOD. "I Won't Stop You" is the best fanfiction I've ever read (and I've read many, trust me). I know that what I'm about to say is a little cheesy and may sound exaggerated but... this fic keeps me going. Well, technically you do. Week after week, I'm always longing for a new chapter. It kind of feels like a reward for surviving another week and it really helps. Thank you for writing this amazing story, keep going!

It’s not cheesy ahhh don’t worry - even at that, cheesy is great a lot of the time c: I’m really honoured that you feel my series is a reward for surviving a week - and if that’s what keeps you going for a while, then I am truly humbled and happy to be a part of that reason. Thank you for reading my series and I hope that you have an amazing week my love ^^

@manibbunny said: i loved the new episode! and i'm biting my nails just thinking about what will happen when yoongi shows up at the ball and omfg what will y/n do when he tells her?! will she accept him? or will she run away and never talk to him? i'm hoping it's the first lol *is lowkey thirsty for angst* shhh

Thank you so much babe! I’m so happy you enjoyed it :3 Hmmm will she accept him or run away? What if Yoongi catches her if she runs away? ;O hehe~ I hope you enjoy the future chapters too and thank you once again :3

Anonymous said: So will we be seeing Jungkook busting a move at the ball??? Getting down to some red velvet? Maybe??

Maybe real life Jungkook would :P But not 400 year old Prince of the Eternal Kingdom Jeon Jungkook xD It would be funny tho! hehe~

[wonderwonderhowido]

fic roundup

Another year-end meme, this one looking back on my fic output in 2016.

Wordcount: 126,116 words according to ao3

Stories: 10

Fandoms: 7

January: None

February:

Goodbye Highway (first chapter posted in January, finished in February) - The Raven Cycle, Ronan/Adam, 69k words. The big amnesia fic.

Did I Say Too Much? I’m So In My Head - Haikyuu!!, kuroken, 3k words. Kenma pines and then is brave. This was the one I wrote during the one all-nighter I pulled in 2016, while I was in a semi-euphoric state after the Carly Rae Jepsen concert. Memorably, this was also the night I tripped and read all the ushioi and found myself with a new otp, but the fic I wrote that night was actually kuroken.

March:

Better Make Sure That You Get Yours - Haikyuu!!, ushioi, 6k words, written for Auto’s birthday. The rimming fic.

April:

Last Year’s Wishes Are This Year’s Apologies -  Haikyuu!!, ushioi, 13k words. The one where Oikawa saves Ushijima from a dude hitting on him, drunken hookup ensues.

I Am One Of Your People - Haikyuu!! x Attack on Titan, Armin/Kenma, 5k words and written for ouroboros for smutswap.

Stand Brave Life-Liver - The Raven Cycle, Ronan and Noah gen, 1,802 words. A missing scene from TRK.

May - August: None

September:

Change of Heart -  Haikyuu!!, ushioi, 12k words. The one where they get lost in the woods together and have to work shit out.

November:

Warm Blood - Mystic Messenger, Jumin/Zen, 7k words and the first chapter of a WiP that will probably never be finished. Zen’s a vampire in this one.

December:

Teach Me Just What Fast Is - Yuri!!! On Ice, Yuri/Otabek, 3k words. Basically just my manifesto of headcanons about Yuri P being a sub.

Tiny Islands Where We Didn’t Always Have To Be Afraid - Jessica Jones, Jessica/Trish, 4k words. Backstory of them hooking up while they were teenagers.

Leitmotif of the year:

I am not sure that there is a single leitmotif that runs through all or most of these, but all my ushioi plus Goodbye Highway have to do with struggles of reconciling the past with the present, and the general concept of, and importance of, the baggage you can have with someone. So I guess that.

Other themes I’ve noticed: healing from trauma; pining; jealousy, resentment, anger and the complications ensuing from these uglier emotions getting entangled with romantic yearning; gaining understanding and knowledge of another person and/or yourself through sex; sex and control, specifically the sexiness of surrendering control to someone else.

What’s the story that makes you happiest?

Goodbye Highway. I feel like a broken record for how much I’ve already talked about my positive feelings for this story, but, well. It made me happy to write and it makes me happy to think about.

My favorite stories this year:

Goodbye Highway; Better Make Sure That You Get Yours; Change of Heart

Most popular story:

Goodbye Highway, and I’m a little stunned by the popularity of Teach Me Just What Fast Is, considering I wrote it on an airplane. 

Story most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

Hm. I mean, both Tiny Islands and I Am One Of Your People were barely read by anyone, but I didn’t really expect them to be? I wrote the Armin/Kenma for ouroboros in smut swap, and they loved it, so I consider it successful by that metric, and Tiny Islands I wrote primarily for myself and I’m satisfied with it, so.

I guess I feel like Change of Heart and Last Year’s Wishes are underappreciated, partly because they got less kudos than the ushioi rimming and were harder to write/more plotty than that, and partly because I always think that ushioi is underappreciated by the universe in general.

Most fun story:

Change of Heart. Dramatic locker room arguments, a hike in the woods gone horribly wrong, forced intimacy, and all of Oikawa’s issues and hangups. The dialogue I wrote for this is some of the most fun I’ve ever had writing dialogue, and I loved pulling so liberally from my own internal monologues for Oikawa’s.

Sexiest story:

Better Make Sure That You Get Yours. Hard to argue with rimming and frenemies to lovers.

Story with single sexiest moment:

Adam sucking on Ronan’s fingers and then his dick before fucking him, in the middle of the longest sex scene I have ever written, at the end of Goodbye Highway. Oh also Oikawa coming on Ushijima’s face in Last Year’s Wishes.

Story with single sweetest moment:

Probably Goodbye Highway again, Ronan and Adam eating chocolate cake and watching porn together. I’m also awfully fond of Blue and Ronan’s first conversation together in GH, when she gives him the light, which maybe doesn’t strike other people as sweet, but it is for me. Also, Oikawa coaching Ushijima on how to make friends is very sweet to me.

Hardest story to write:

Warm Blood. It became hard enough to write that I’ve pretty much given up on continuing it, which is too bad; I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have posted it at all, oh well.

Easiest story to write:

Teach Me Just What Fast Is, or Did I Say Too Much? Both of them were written in p much one sitting, while I was sleep-deprived and in a good mood, and they just flowed.

Truest story of the year:

I still struggle with deciding on a definition of ‘truest.’ Tiny Islands is the story truest to its canon; Goodbye Highway and Change of Heart are the two truest to myself, I guess.

Story that made you cry/saddest story:

I don’t think Goodbye Highway is ultimately a sad story, although some might disagree, but it was the closest anything came to making me cry.

“Holy crap, that’s wrong even for you” story:

I don’t think I wrote anything that would fit this even remotely. All the porn I wrote was extremely right.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

I don’t know if this counts as shifting my own perceptions of the characters, but I wound up writing Jumin and Zen as kinder to each other than I’d originally intended in Warm Blood, and I’m still sort of mad that I wasn’t able to make their dynamic nastier.

Biggest disappointment:

Not writing the Blue and Ronan gen story where they become roommates after Gansey’s death.  

Biggest surprise:

I cannot fucking believe that HQ is the fandom I wrote the most for this year.

Most telling story:

Goodbye Highway, which is basically just 69k words of me processing my own brain shit. Change of Heart, wherein I wrote Oikawa a lot like myself.

Favorite opening line:

From Better Make Sure That You Get Yours: “Oikawa had a list of things that frustrated him about sex with Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

(Honorable mention, from Last Year’s Wishes: “Go suck a dick, Ushiwaka.” Listen, I love writing Oikawa more than I love most other things on this earth.)

Favorite closing line:

"Ronan sat on the forest floor, ignoring the occasional buzz in his pocket that indicated a text from Gansey, until it started to get dark. The temperature dropped, though not by much. Stiffness grew in his legs from sitting in one position too long. Distantly, he could hear the roar of an engine on a highway, so far away that it seemed quiet and kind. And around him, fireflies.” From Goodbye Highway. I just need to point out that I wrote this before TRK came out, and therefore m*ggie owes me for the concept of Ronan and symbolic firefly imagery.

And I can’t choose, I also love this one so much:

“As Noah crouched over Gansey’s body and said the words Gansey needed to hear, energy lines and time circles and knots in threads flitted through him like bird wings flapping. He was relieved to find that letting go did not feel like being murdered at all.” From Stand Brave Life-Liver

Favorite line from anywhere:

I’m very fond of this line from Tiny Islands, because it’s very simple and forgettable out of context but, at least to me and within the context of the show, it has a super bleak impact: “Jessica’s hangover the next morning was terrible, and she swore to herself she’d never drink again.”

But also like, the real favorite has to be this one from Goodbye Highway: “The holes in his mind scared him. But they were just holes. They couldn’t hurt him in the present.”

Favorite title:

Tiny Islands Where We Didn’t Always Have To Be Afraid, which is my favorite lyric from Run Fast by The Julie Ruin, a song that makes my heart hurt whenever I think about it. Honorable mention for Last Year’s Wishes Are This Year’s Apologies, because Fall Out Boy.

Looking back, did you write more stories than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I don’t remember having any real predictions about how many fics I would write, but hm, probably fewer? I wrote fewer than last year, but more of my stories were longer and/or more substantial.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2016?

Ushioi took me by surprise and I’m so glad and I’ve never looked back.

Story that could have been better?

Idk, I’m pretty pleased with the quality of most of them. Stand Brave Life-Liver probably could have been better, but I’m not sure how I could have improved it except by being an entirely different kind of writer than I am. I Am One Of Your People could have been more ambitious, but I think it works as a hot sex scene and a snippet of an established relationship. Warm Blood could have been finished, but oh well.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Goodbye Highway was risky, I guess, but it didn’t feel like it at the time because it mostly flowed easily. Same with most of what I wrote, tbh. I started working on a novel pretty early on last year, and the work on that was for the most part not something that flowed, so fanfic was more of an escapist thing for me, something I thought of doing purely for my own enjoyment and often something I spent time on when I knew I should be doing other things. This meant that most of the fic I wrote was id-driven and a blast to create. I guess what I learned is that it’s worth it to try and find that sweet spot where your writing is simultaneously you shooting from the hip, and striving to pull off an ambitious concept.  

What story do you want to have written?

I want to have finished the otayuri spy AU, I’m so impatient with this one, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. And I want to have written ushioi where Oikawa tops. And I want to have written some kind of otayuri fic that involves them having some kind of fight or misunderstanding and angsting about it and then resolving the conflict. And I want to have written the otayuri idea I have that I described as “orgasm denial but for kissing.” Look I just want to write otayuri all day, every day.

Story I want remembered:

Goodbye Highway.

What’s next for 2017:

I don’t really have any fic goals right now beyond finishing my current otayuri WiPs. Predicting next year’s fandoms is always fun to look at later, in a ‘wow I was hilariously wrong’ way, but I have no idea what’s coming up that could prompt me to write fic. Maybe I’ll write some stuff for Attack on Titan s2, if that starts showing up on my dash again. Maybe I will continue to tend my humble ushioi garden and write the bottom!Ushijima of my dreams; I keep thinking that I’m done with HQ but that hasn’t happened yet and I should probably learn to stop predicting it. I would like to write some victuuri, but I’m waiting for the right idea and it might never come.

You know what WOULD be nice, but I have no idea if this is actually on the horizon, is getting into a big western TV slash fandom again. I’m so ready for another Teen Wolf. I mean, I think a lot of us are and have been for a while, and YOI kind of turned out to be way more of a juggernaut fandom than I would have predicted, which of course I’m thrilled about. But it seems like all of the big non-anime fandom waves in recent years have been movie fandoms, which I can never seem to sustain an interest in, and I want another huge ridiculous TV fandom. I have no idea if this will be in store or not, though, beyond YOI hopefully continuing to gain momentum.