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th-inprogress · 2 years ago

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Tw mensuration; I really am feeling the immediate universal consequences of not letting go of things that do not serve me currently tbh. And also the immense and simultaneous rewards of doing that. to elaborate, I started my period today in the middle of the day today at work. I usually start early in the morning and it’s kind of pissing me off that it’s been abnormal lately. anyway, not the point. I woke up feeling totally fine, no mood impact, no cramps. Usually I can feel it coming. I’ll get cramps well before it arrives. But today, I didn’t start cramping until maybe a couple hours before I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. And even then they were more like slight discomforts than cramps. And the pain didn’t get extremely bad until several hours later. And I didn’t have my medicine with me bc I wasn’t expecting it. Not a huge deal, though. I always have tampons, and it wasn’t long til the end of the day. I talked my after work plans into cancelling. Less talked and more just, brought the idea into existence by asking if they wanted to postpone til next week, and they said yes because it was a long week for them as well. I was still going to go if they wanted but I brought the possibility to light. I have such an abnormally socially busy week this week, it was relieving to be able to let go of that. Even though I could have pushed through and gone and enjoyed the experience and time with someone I love, it feels good today to be able to make peace with my choosing not to. I went home and took a long bath with some cramp relieving Epsom salts and took some medicine and read, and cleaned up and did some laundry and the dishes. I feel so at peace. I haven’t felt so peaceful in so long. I’m looking forward to my plans this weekend but I’m glad I got an extra moment to recharge and renew myself so I can enjoy things more. On the other hand, I’m hanging on to something that draws energy from me, that I don’t really need, and that would probably improve my life in a drastic measure if I could let go of it. From a logical standpoint, I guess my life could also worsen dramatically if I let go of it too, but I feel strongly that the first would be my perception. I guess it’s a trade off of sorts. It’s a job. A strenuous, time consuming, stressful job. Although the stress isn’t much of why I want to leave it. I love the work. But the time is eaten away. And I am physically worsened in some ways because of it ( hands and nails are in bad shape because of the nature of the job ). My mental health suffers from it. Especially if I am already tired, sometimes it is hard to want to be there. I just have so many other things to do I feel it’s a waste of time, and sometimes it feels as though no one else there wants to be there either and I’m doing all the work. Or I’m in such a poor mood I do the work horribly. There’s always some issue. In another sense, it helps my mental health. I like most of the people I work with, and I like my customers and I love coffee and it feels like a second home to me after all these years. I’ve met some of my favorite people. I’ve made so much progress on myself. It’s become part of my identity and it’d be tragic to lose that. I’m also kept busy by it. In a physical sense, I stay active by working in fast paced environments. Sure I could trade some of this time out for the gym, in order to stay fit, but I’d be bored to shreds and I hate working out just to do it. I like to have more purpose in my activity. Which is another reason this job is so good for me. The time I could be spending somewhere else is possibly capable of being wasted. And at least here I get paid. The thing is do I think I’m in a space where I will use the extra time to improve myself in a way that makes the extra income not worth it. Of course I know I don’t inherently need the extra income, it certainly doesn’t hurt. I could have a big emergency at any time. I’m not immune to the random and unfortunate way of life. I’m fighting an ingrained characteristic of paranoia. The other foot is always about to drop.

It feels impossible to let go of the sense that I’m better off suffering from exhaustion than living. It’s hard for me to have the mentality of “who cares if you make a lot of money if you never spend it” in the sense of money and in time. I never have time to spend. I work so hard but I barely have time to enjoy life. I do enjoy the parts of it I have, but I just imagine I could enjoy more and do more with more energy and time, and yet. I fear that I wouldn’t. I would waste my time, and my energy would remain low, and instead of being able to say, oh I’m just tired because I work a lot, I would have no excuse. I would simply be miserable and poor. And it’s hard to know what the truth is.

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fangirlandiknowit101 · 3 years ago

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30 BTS writer asks: 1, 12 + 18? ❤️🌻

Almost forgot to add - thanks for asking<33333

1. What was the first fandom and/or pairing that you wrote fic for?

Unsurprisingly, it was for Naruto and Sasuke/Naruto. You can still read it in all its glory, even on ao3 lmao. Might be hard to believe but that fic (Unsuspicious title, don't ask why it's called that I have no explanations) is really the absolute first thing I wrote that counts as a fanfic. I didn't write about other people's fictional characters before that. I didn't really write much outside of school at all, not sure how I lived my life tbh...

12. Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

I answered earlier that I want to write a horse rider au at some point, but what I'd also like is to write a real enemies to lovers fic. Like, actual enemies. But it might be too angsty, so who knows if I'll ever make it lol.

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Aah you guys really want that commentary don't you... maybe one day I'll release a version of tswm with director's commentary for the whole thing hahahahaha (jk I'd never have time to do that)

But alright, I'm gonna take the opportunity to comment on another scene in tswm that I definitely this deserves it, it's the reunion scene between Naruto and Sasuke in chapter 49! I hesitated to pick this one bc it's so long and emotional, and also I don't want to add any accidental spoilers... but oh well. Here we go!

[My comments will be in bold text, this starts almost at the beginning of the chapter, right when Sasuke meets Naruto in Kaguya's place.]

He reached out with a hand, the bright light reflecting in the half-moon in his palm. It glowed, and just like that, his hand wrapped around another’s.

Naruto.

He sucked in a breath, lungs desperate for air. Naruto stood before him, chest heaving, hand clutching Sasuke’s so hard he feared it might break.

Their shared beat rang loud in his ears, eyes wide as they drank each other in. The darkness had given way to white, fuzzy light, their bodies floating, suspended in air.

“Sasuke,” Naruto whispered, as if afraid to drown out the sound of their connection.

Honestly, I tried my best to make it as painful as possible. That's all I wanted lol. At first I had no idea how to write this scene, but then I just got a feeling and tried to write it in words.

There was no hiding in this place. It was similar to that strange place that seemed to exist between them when they fought, blows connecting, hearts open. Between one breath and the next, it would be gone, their shared hearts lingering long after.

Nothing more poetic than that special place Kishimoto created for them when they exchange blows... extremely gay.

Here, there was only the two of them, the heat of their bodies as Naruto reached for his face.

“Am I dreaming?” Naruto wondered, fingers stroking along Sasuke’s cheekbone. “You look so real…”

They sank down, slowly, until their feet touched solid white. He shivered, the tips of Naruto’s fingers touching his chin, his mouth.

“It could be a dream,” Sasuke said quietly, exhaling as Naruto came closer.

“I can feel your heart,” Naruto murmured, his forehead coming to rest against Sasuke’s temple. “I missed you so much.”

Images flashed before Sasuke’s eyes, impressions of the world from Naruto’s perspective. Menma as the kyuubi. Kakashi, entering through a window. Iruka, hand gentle as he reached over the table.

Sakura, pain drawing her face tight. A mountain of paperwork. Snippets of conversation. The overwhelming pain of loneliness, like walls closing in on him.

He puzzled together enough pieces to make sense of the days since they separated.

Must be convenient to just read each other's minds... I should stop making fun of my own writing. But anyway, I felt very clever when I realized I could skip explanations between them and just let them see each other's memories of the past few days. I think it fits that they could see it through the other person's eyes, all the emotions too. Especially how painful it was for Naruto and how much he was trying to keep it together in front of his friends, and still failing. It gives Sasuke a better understanding of what would have happened if he'd decided to leave after one year passed (and I'm still bitter at Kishimoto for doing that in canon.)

“Naruto,” he sighed, lifting a hand to sift through soft strands of hair, closing his eyes as Naruto pressed into him.

Hearts bared, he felt Naruto’s desperate longing as his own. It mirrored his own pain, the aching emptiness filling his chest. Little by little, the cold was pushed away by warmth, Naruto’s mouth touching his cheek, his jaw, his throat. It burned against his skin, each point of contact erupting into tendrils of heat that seeped into his body.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Naruto confessed, lips shaping the words onto Sasuke’s throat. “I couldn’t go back to you, I-“

Sasuke turned his head, capturing his mouth. The words were lost between their lips, swallowed by the sudden surge of need. Naruto’s arm wrapped around his neck, keeping him in place. A fever caught him, leaving him dizzy and faint. He felt emotions between them like a physical caress, like they swirled in and out of their bodies, like a strong wind playing with fallen leaves.

Pain. Longing. Fear.

Happiness. Comfort. Love.

Naruto kissed him like he’d die if they stopped. He might, for all Sasuke knew.

Don't mind me, I was just crying buckets as I wrote this.

Their hands were still clasped tight, their palms pressed together, keeping their marks in contact. Teeth dug into his lower lip, but he could barely feel the pain over the onslaught of emotion. It was overwhelming, to share Naruto’s heart so fully. Was this how Naruto had felt, when Sasuke had touched him by accident? When Sasuke had shared too much of himself, and Naruto had been unable to give him the same in return.

I think it actually wasn't as overwhelming for Naruto when Sasuke accidentally touched him. This place that Kaguya controls just amplifies things a lot.

No such restraints now.

Their souls were on fire, like chakra flames billowing around their bodies. It was too much to make sense of, and yet it felt as if they’d always been this close, always been one and the same. Naruto fit inside him like a key, like Sasuke was now unlocked, his body no longer keeping him prisoner.

“Naruto,” he breathed out, over and over again, every nerve ending alight as they held each other.

I was listening to this song called Heat Up by Giant Rooks as I wrote this (that's where the chapter title comes from and honestly the lyrics are just *chef's kiss*) and I really tried to use as much metaphor as I could, idk if that makes it sound boring haha but for once I was definitely thinking very hard about every single sentence. And I tried to make it as "alive" as I could, so you'd feel it rather than have it described to you.

An eternity later they calmed down, mouths sliding lazily over each other, heartbeats finally finding their shared rhythm. Their foreheads pressed together, Sasuke’s eyes fluttering open to meet deep blue, their usual strength faded into self-doubt.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, running his fingers through Naruto’s hair, thumb tracing the shell of his ear. “Don’t hide from me, not here.”

Aww look at Sasuke, so in tune with his emotions. He really is an all or nothing kind of guy. If they already share everything in this place, there's no point in having secrets. Besides, his worst fear is Naruto losing confidence because of something he said or did.

Naruto let out a sharp breath, lifting their clasped hands between their chests.

“I missed you,” he said again, eyes closing in pain. “I’m so happy you’ve been okay.”

So much pain. Sasuke struggled to make sense of it, so much of it reflected inwards, towards Naruto himself. He could understand the longing, the absence of him like a gaping hole. It mirrored his own pain, pain he’d locked inside his heart within a steel cage. It flowed freely now, wrapping around Naruto’s in recognition.

But the rest… Naruto let out a sob, and yet he was smiling. Sasuke pressed another kiss to his lips, unsure of what to say.

I know Naruto did that whole waterfall thing where he embraced his evil side and totally let go of all his negative energy... But you can't tell me he's 100% okay and only happy and never feels pain. When will Konoha start offering therapy... Jokes aside, at this moment in time Naruto is so conflicted. The whole time he's been worried about Sasuke leaving him, and telling himself that Sasuke would be happier in the other dimension, and that logically he should let Sasuke stay, but he absolutely doesn't want Sasuke to leave him. It's the most selfish thing he's ever felt, I think, this need to have Sasuke by his side. And he's got so much on his shoulders, just piling up, everyone relying on him to somehow magically fix the world. And he's afraid of failing, of acknowledging to himself that there are parts of him that aren't ready to shoulder this burden, that he's still hurting, that there's still a part of him that could have become like Menma. He's supposed to be completely selfless but he isn't, and he thinks of that as a character flaw, a personal failure. And that's kind of where his resolution to not become hokage comes from. Because he doesn't think he can remove this selfish parts of him, and so maybe he should embrace them instead.

“Sasuke, it’s so strange…” Naruto started, his words slow, carefully chosen. “You understand Charasuke so well, but Menma… I can’t accept him. And now I realize, he shows the ugliest parts of me. The parts that I’m afraid of.”

They both leaned back a little, to see each other’s faces. Light played over Naruto’s features, blurring him at the edges. Sasuke cupped his cheek, tilting his chin up so that their eyes met. Now that he knew what to look for, he could feel Naruto’s fear.

“It’s always there,” Naruto confessed, raw honesty in his voice. “The fear of losing you. The fear of not being strong enough. The fear of becoming hokage, and failing.”

Sasuke opened his mouth to say something, to reassure him, but Naruto shook his head quickly.

Sasuke, on the other hand, he never held himself up to be a good person. He's well aware that he has weaknesses, that he's putting up walls so he won't have to deal with emotions and stuff. But he does believe (a bit blindly) in Naruto, I think. Even though he thinks Naruto won't succeed, it's not because of anything that Naruto does or fails to do. He thinks it's because the world won't follow him, that Konoha isn't capable of change. But he never thought that Naruto would actually give up or have these kinds of doubts.

“Let me say this. I didn’t understand it at first. Menma always rubbed me the wrong way. I know you don’t like him either, but for me… It’s like looking at myself and knowing I gave up.”

He drew in a deep breath, his fingers trembling around Sasuke’s.

“And now, here, I can’t avoid that fear. Because all of it… all of it is for you, Sasuke.” He swallowed, and through the fear, Sasuke saw his determination. “You asked me, if there’s any room in my head for anyone but you. And there isn’t.”

Naruto's brain is 99% Sasuke and 1% ramen, that's just fact. That aside, this might be one of my favorite quotes in the fic.

Frowning, Sasuke bit the inside of his cheek to stay silent. Naruto was working up to something, he could tell, and part of him couldn’t help but think it would end the two of them.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Naruto said, drawing the pad of his thumb over Sasuke’s eyebrow, the touch equal parts reassuring and painful. “I can hear your thoughts, you know. Do you really believe that I would choose anything else over you?”

A lie caught on Sasuke’s tongue. He didn’t want to believe it, but what place did he have by Naruto’s side? How could he be all that Naruto wanted him, needed him, to be? How could he be someone that others would accept walking by his side?

Oh, Sasuke. Always so ready for Naruto to cast him aside. He doesn't want to stand in the way of Naruto's dreams *wipes tear*

“I don’t believe that you would want to,” he replied, eventually. “But maybe you should.”

They stood for a long time, looking at each other. Sasuke felt torn in two directions. He wanted to tell Naruto to never leave him. He wanted to say that he’d accept anything. That he’d remove himself from Naruto’s presence to make the choice for him. That he couldn’t, wouldn’t, stand between Naruto and his dreams.

That he’d known, all along, that the other dimension was only a dream. An impossibility. That he accepted this, and wouldn’t resent Naruto for choosing the village over him.

I think the difference between Naruto and Sasuke here, is that even though they both think the other should maybe leave them for better things, Naruto is much less ready to actually give Sasuke up. Sasuke is more of the martyr type lol.

“You deserve me,” Naruto said, voice dark with conviction. “Don’t you dare think otherwise. Don’t you understand? If you saw what I’ve been doing the past days…”

Naruto lifted their joined hands higher, shifted his grip until he held Sasuke’s palm open in front of himself.

“I thought only of you. I cared only about you. What good is the village to me, if you’re not there?”

His heart felt too heavy in his chest. Naruto’s words rang through his ears, the implication behind them ensnaring his heart until Naruto held it in his hand, too.

“I don’t want any of it, if you’re not with me.”

Sasuke lowered his eyes. He couldn’t allow himself to give in. He’d already given so much, and although he knew that Naruto would have this, too, it was too much in this moment.

“Sasuke… When are you going to recognize that you’re a good person? That even if our relationship hadn’t changed like this, I’d still need you beside me?”

I wanted to write this part so badly... To make Naruto tell Sasuke that he's a good person. That Naruto thinks so, at least. It's one of the first things I thought of for this scene. Not that Sasuke agrees haha.

“Me, a good person?” Sasuke raised his eyebrows, meeting Naruto’s gaze again. He recognized the stubborn glint in Naruto’s eyes, and sighed. “Even if that was true, you’re smart enough to know it’s not enough.”

Slowly, Naruto pulled his hand closer, his grip turning gentle. Sasuke caught himself holding his breath, as Naruto’s lips connected with the mark on his palm.

“You still don’t understand,” Naruto murmured, the movement of his lips tickling Sasuke’s skin. “The past few days, what have you been doing? Caring for the children, when I wasn’t there to do it. Putting Charasuke before yourself, comforting him in the ways he needed you to. Holding yourself together. Trusting me to come back.”

This is where we acknowledge exactly how much Sasuke has changed. Naruto spent the days apart thinking only of Sasuke, even to the point where he was neglecting his friends and duties. Sasuke, on the other hand, stepped up to fill the role he thought Naruto left behind, hiding his pain behind helping others. Ultimately trusting Naruto to hold his promise to come back. Also, I just want them to be soft with each other T_T

Staring at him, Sasuke’s breath caught in his chest at the swell of pride Naruto felt for him. Was it true, that he had changed so much? In Naruto’s eyes, he had. It was startling, to realize how Naruto thought of him. But Naruto had changed too, he thought. They had grown closer, in a way he didn’t think they could have in their own Konoha.

“I think Charasuke is a bit like you,” Sasuke said, lips twitching upwards at Naruto’s affronted look. “He needs physical comfort. I don’t mind giving it to you, and I guess I don’t mind giving it to him either. You both tend to do whatever you feel like, anyway.”

“You used to mind.” Naruto looked serious, reaching out to touch Sasuke’s mouth as if to prove his point. “Suddenly, you didn’t.”

The smile slipped from Sasuke’s lips. Naruto was right. A few weeks ago, he did push Charasuke out of the window. To be fair, Charasuke hadn’t liked him much back then, either, and the circumstances had been very different. He did understand him better now. If Menma represented Naruto’s fears, Charasuke represented everything Sasuke wanted in life. But Charasuke didn’t have Naruto, didn’t have Menma with him either, and maybe that was why Sasuke wanted to be there for him. His connection with Naruto was precious to him, had kept him going, had kept him questioning himself even in his worst moments of darkness. Had given him a reason not to give up on a life that wasn’t filled with pain and hatred.

Naruto made it worth it to change. Was he hoping to help Charasuke change, too?

Spoiler alert... yes you were, Sas.

Perhaps Kaguya had something to do with it, but maybe, even without her influence, he would have reached this point anyway if given enough time. Time they didn’t have back home. It surprised him to realize that Naruto had thought of this already. That he felt selfish for wanting Sasuke to go back with him, when he knew it would be painful.

“You minded when I touched you, too,” Naruto added, as a reminder that they were talking about the two of them.

“I didn’t.” It was easy to confess. “I couldn’t allow myself to accept it, but I never minded. And now…”

Even if Naruto could read most of his thoughts in this space, it was difficult to say the words.

“I was afraid to have more of you. I still am. Because I know they’ll never accept it.”

Sasuke vs homophobia :( Can't really kill that with a sword. Sasuke was definitely in love with him before they went to the RTN dimension, he'd just buried it so deep that he had no idea it was there or what it was. If you separate love from attraction it's not really gay, is it? (It is)

Naruto kissed him again, desperately. There were so many thoughts swirling between them, a mess of images and emotions overshadowed by the overwhelming fear of losing each other.

Naruto’s guilt, for not being able to reach Menma like Sasuke reached Charasuke. Their worry for each other. The frustration of being forced to wait. Sasuke’s slow realization of how much Naruto meant to him. How much his family meant to him, even a different version of them.

“I can’t be without you again,” Naruto said, swallowing thickly. “There’s so much I want to say and I don’t know how.”

“I’m here,” Sasuke promised. “Any way you want me to be.”

Even though it hurt, knowing the struggle that lay ahead of them, how Naruto had struggled only the past few days.

He wasn’t sure when he’d closed his eyes, but Naruto’s hands holding his face between them made him open them again. His expression was serious, almost solemn.

“I think you’d be happier if you stayed there,” Naruto whispered, searching his eyes. “You can’t deny it. I know they’d take care of you, and I can tell that your bond with your family is important to you. In a different way than ours, but still. I’d forgive you, if you chose them.”

Stop sacrificing yourself, Naruto. I don't like it.

“How could you say that?” Sasuke grabbed Naruto’s wrists, glaring at him. “Even after everything you said about how you can’t be without me, how you’d never choose anything over me, and you still think I would leave you? Even when you can feel my heart, you think I won’t choose you no matter what?”

Sasuke calling him out, as he should.

He knocked their foreheads together, tightening his grip.

“You think I’d choose happiness over you?”

How could he be happy, if Naruto wasn’t there with him? It wasn’t even an option. He cared about Charasuke, that was true. And the other version of Itachi, of Shisui, his family… Even the Sakura of that world. But how could they compare? Losing Charasuke would hurt, but it wouldn’t rip his soul apart. Staying with them would be a life, but it wouldn’t be living. How could Naruto think of himself as selfish, and still be so incredibly selfless when it came to Sasuke? What was he supposed to do, to make Naruto trust him once and for all?

“If I deserve you, why wouldn’t you deserve me in turn?”

Naruto didn’t have an answer to that. Sasuke hadn’t expected him to, and he felt him struggle with the concept. Naruto’s hero complex wasn’t doing either of them any good.

Like, I personally don't like the concept of anyone deserving love or not deserving it. Love is something you give, freely, regardless of how society values the other person. The love you give isn't less worth depending on the person receiving it. But I think the both of them are so traumatized that they need to make peace with this concept. They kind of need to be told - yes, you do deserve love, and I will give it to you. Naruto's hero complex is like... we don't have time to unpack all of that.

“You want to do this the hard way?” Sasuke continued, tone sharp. “I’ll do it with you. I don’t think you’ll succeed but I’ll do it.”

He gathered up all his resolve, all his conviction, pushed aside his own reservations.

“Saying you’ll forgive me… that’s a lie. You wouldn’t. You never would. And I wouldn’t want you to, anyway. If you wanted me by your side and I couldn’t do it, you’d be right to hate me.”

“I could never hate you.”

“Then I’d hate myself.”

Bearing each other's burdens and all that...

Naruto made a face, as if to disagree, but Sasuke felt him smile despite the topic of their conversation.

“What kind of role reversal is this,” he muttered, pressing his thumbs into Sasuke’s cheeks childishly. “I don’t even know why I’m arguing about it.”

“Because you love me.”

They stared at each other. Naruto’s eyes widened in shock, but Sasuke held his ground. What was the point in pretending anything else? It all made sense like this, and perhaps deep down Sasuke had always suspected it, even before he returned to Konoha.

“Y-you can’t just say it out loud!” Naruto spluttered, slapping his hands onto his own face instead, hiding behind them with a groan. “Stop being so smug about it!”

Me, while I wrote this: Yeah, you can't just say that out loud! The pain of being perceived. I am suffering with Naruto.

“I won the argument, didn’t I?”

“Ugh, shut up!”

Feeling lighter, Sasuke wrapped his arms around Naruto, leaning his cheek against the top of his head, Naruto burying his nose in his neck. He’d deny it when they were back in reality, but he could feel that Naruto wanted the body contact, and he was unable to resist it. It didn’t take long for Naruto to calm down, releasing a huff into Sasuke’s neck.

“Maybe we can just stay in this place forever,” he said, sneaking his arms around Sasuke’s back.

“You’d miss ramen too much.”

If an emotional scene doesn't end with a joke, what are you even doing with your life. But writing them hug was like, releasing so many endorphins. I'm weak to it.

It was strange, to talk and immediately feel every thought behind the words, every emotion on full display. Naruto’s amusement radiated off him, and it was his turn to feel a little smug as he concentrated on everything that Sasuke felt for him.

When Naruto started imagining long days spent in bed, Sasuke rolled his eyes and decided they’d been emotional enough for the time being.

Sasuke like, I can accept the lovey-dovey stuff, but I draw a thick line in front of the bedroom door. He's got some work left to do lol.

Idk if any of this made any sense but... there you have it!

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icecreamkink · 4 years ago

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so i watched cobra kai all in two days and i have so many -

this show has so many cool and smart angles to it, but the same time.... its so stupid oh my god everyone is so dumb literally mr miyagi held all of the braincells in this whole universe

like i am but at the same time i am not surprised it was made like this, bc in hindsight of course there were hordes of ppl simping over johnny lawrence .... but it still amuses me that this is like... an Actual Official Thing

ok this will get long so cut it is

how much fun this cast has is super visible and i love it

i rly enjoy how the world was expanded ! i did grow up watching the karate kid movies, so watching how they progressed the world of the movies so organically was pretty cool. it rly feels like its the same universe

i fucking LOVE stories that are largely about a Thing. dancing ,skating, sports its just so thrilling to experience this all consuming relationship people can have with this type of activity? and martial arts are just that much more intense, so yeah, grown ass men kicking each other around at the lightest provocation and a war veteran caring so much abt teen karate is Ridiculous.... but i love it all because thats the intensity i find so thrilling

was kinda surprised with how much im missing mr. miyagi. first because, like everyone is so unhinged jesus christo, it just really throws into relief how much his character grounded the narrative of the movies. but also hes just a really great character

and on that note it rly Gets Me that the show itself aknowledges that and plays that into daniels angst and all the little ways they sorta weave myiagisms into the whole show........ im not getting emotional over this dumb karate dads show OK

related - i really miss hearing ‘daniel-san’ 🥺🥺

ACE DEGENERATE oh god oh no

they really went down the down and out johnny lawrence route huh. like i was always kinda bummed we see kreese choking him and then we never see him again in the movies, and while i love dumpster fire problematic trash himbo ck johnny, its like......................... actually really sad that his life turned out like this fjngn

everytime i hear ‘babes’ and ‘pussy’ i die a little inside. i know thats the point but i am a v cringe easy person, have mercy (ehe)

loved the way they are constantly drawing parallels between johnny and mr. myiagi of all people. hes the handy man of his building that has a bullied kid asking for help and eventually steps up to teach them karate, beats up a bunch of bullies for him, creates a friendship with said kid, estranged from family, drinks his sorrows away, surprisingly one of the least quick to anger characters (which says more about everyone else really but.... Well.), no schemes or ulterior motives hes just tryna vibe here.... oh and ofc magically heals miguel of is asthma apparently. the true disciple.. meanwhile daniel is his usual messy petty self even tho he wants to be mr myiagi so bad

also interesting about that is how miguels character is a parallel of both johnny and daniel at the same time

overall the parallels in ck are done really well, drawing comparisons and also subverting them constantly. theyre well thought out

THE PARALELOGRAMS

fr tho, the angle being explicitly the cycle of trauma and its effects and how trumatized adults in turn traumatize kids, maliciously or not, is so interesting

but! on the flip side of that, it feels like the writers are getting in their own way @ letting the characters grow. especially this last season. theres only so many times you can do "johnny and daniel are getting along but 5mins later they are (literally) fighting over some dumbass random issue" or "johnny puts in 20% of effort with robby and then gives up" before it gets on your nerves yknow?

i see daniel no longer talks like macchio ingested 15 shots of espresso before every take and idk how to feel about that tbh

interesting tension in daniel, as in, in tkk mr miyagi was there and daniel was frankly, kind of a lil shit, this messy petty spitfire hot tempered sassy kid,(johnny lawrence voice: just... stop being so annoying) but now hes the adult, and he wants to be mr. miyagi... but hes just not, and never will be to his very core and it shakes him and in a way hes trying to find who he is now that he sees himself in a position to be a not! cobra kai figure. i kinda really like that

plus how that relates to his cobra kai trauma. idk if the writers thought abt it Like That, i think so, but in any case, its interesting bc it seems like daniel has told everyone whod listen about johnny lawrence his Pretty Boy Karate Rival and high school and 84 cobra kai... But. no one seems to know what went on in 85 (or 86? idk) which was just so much worse

like ye og cobras were shitheads, but tkk iii is just two hours of daniel being emotionally and physically tortured.

like, the third movie is.............chaotic, to put it nicely, and many people ignore it, but the writers clearly didnt. daniels actions are, in a way, responding so much more to the events of tkk iii than to the first movie ie. johnny himself, AND. daniel doesnt rly seem to have dealt with that trauma? he never told sam? doesnt feel like hes ever told amanda? he doesnt even say terrys name out loud? freaks Out over kreese ? the way he reacts to robbys deceit? his FACE when he walks past the new "fear does not exist in this dojo" paint or kreeses photo? hmMm i sense Pain

his fashion tho........... disappointing. where are the flower shirts daniel huh we had one (1) shirt what a tragedy STOP WEARING SUITS ALL THE TIME . also the band ts/grunge bi are a look for johnny but part of me longs for the preppy lovable 80s bully chic johnny lawrence getups

weird that they never used that last moment of karate kid where johnny kinda... snaps out of his anger and hands daniel the trophy almost in tears. like “youre alright larusso, good match” “thanks a lot” that being their last direct interection seems like itd be perfect fruit for cobra kai but... they just dont. weird.

especially when, the FIRST SCENE they see each other, suposedly in 30+ years, the first thing to come out of daniels mouth is QUOTE "u still got those golden locks huh?" WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT DANIEL FUCKING SAN

also amandas immediate reaction "your pretty boy rival?" like. can we talk about the fact that daniel had to have imparted to his wife the very important information that his high school bully/karate rival was like Really Cute and Fucking Hot Actually

the writers Knew exactly what they were doing and honestly.............. power to them

tkk director voice: and billy was just so cute

also I was thinking that daniel sounded strangely fond in that first scene, and i wonder if he developed a weird affection for johnny on the grounds that of all of his Karate Rivals johnny was actually the only one who didn’t actively tried to literally kill him

i was actually delightedly surprised with how great the chemistry between them is, like from the get go i am Invested. their rl friendship totally bleeds through and its fantastic

. granted, idiots enemies to lovers friends is my Thing so i am biased

johnny lawrence: i am down in the dumps, i fucked up my whole life and my sons probably, largely in light of the trauma that the father figure sensei and the philosophy of my karate inflicted on me and all my friends. u know what i should do, as a traumatized, unreliable mess of an adult? teach that same philosophy to some other kids! what could go wrong!

but really i enjoy the setup of it. i kinda like that i watched it late because, season 1 was johnny setting himself up for failure in a way and it was exciting to watch it all go to shit sjfn

Like. his heart might be in the right place, but theres just.... not a way to teach something like ‘strike hard, no mercy’ and not have it fuck up a kid

case and point: aisha, miguel and hawk become annoying as all hell over that bullshit in the end of s1, even before shit gets truly fucked up

billys subtle panicked eyes when he sees hawk and miguel fighting dirty in the all valley was SO GOOD especially in parallel with the panic that is so visible in his face in the movie when kreese tells bobby to injure daniel and in the sweep the leg scene

seen people question wether kreese should have returned and i absolutely think he needed to. johnny needed to realize that cobra kais fundamentals are flawed, at the root, beyond kreese himself being a toxic piece of shit

also who are we kidding? we are here to see the tkk characters play on new playgrounds!

i get what they're doing abt kreeses backstory, ( also. cobra kai. pq eles caem nas cobras djjs sorry) but did it need to take up that much time? feels like they couldve done it in half the run time and developed some other stories better

martin kove has such an evil eye. i love it

love that we get a good follow up to kreese breaks johnnys trophy and tries to CHOKE HIM in the parking lot, which happened in the movie and then....................... was never mentioned again

“the gang is all back together again” aaaa u piece of SHIT

also. terry silver is definetely appearing ha ha ha PAIN i cant wait

seen ppl say kreese was too much of a cartoon villain like..........................oh......... sweetie........... u dont even Know

interested how johnny will fit into that bc kreese was simping rly hard for johnny here. like i did not expect him to be so adamant to have him with cobra kai ... under his control, sure, but he really wants johnny by his side despite already having control of the dojo and how will terry silver self appointed jon kreeses forever simp going to feel abt that?

like bitchs dropping by every episode like ‘joooooohnny ..... come bacc to me joooonny......... this ur last warning! for real this time johnny! i wont say it again! watch me ! im leaving johnny! im rly leaving ! im dragging a chair” and johnny is just like. dont let the door hit ya bitch it was so funny pls

and on that subject oof, johnny! doesnt! Know! he doesnt get that side of daniels cobra kai trauma. and i kind of.............. cannot wait for ck 2021 johnny lawrence to meet terry silver like. what a shit show i need a front row seat and popcorn (imagine terry tries some greasy charm and johnny just roundhouse kicks him in the teeth bc he just doest Not Have the Patience for This. glorious)

feels like we, as a society, should acknowledge that cobra kai will never die................ bc their sense of design is just chefs kiss. their name is COBRA KAI. they have sexie sleeveless black gis. theyve sneks. colorful leather jackets with embroided naja insignia, the get ppl thru the aesthetics. evil geniuses

the flashback cuts : masterpiece behavior

the other takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the differente angles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLOSE UP ON JOHNNYS FACE AT THE KICK

that scene of daniel and johnny vibing to 80s music in the car. just. oh my god. the fan wish fullfilment. no thoughts head empty.

the new characters! theyre .... good. but. idk. i really like miguel (save for the annoying phase mid s1 - end s2) and amanda, who is a damn riot and has some functioning braincells, but everyone else is

like dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone,its not a jane and rafael from jtv situation, and i am interested and invested in their arcs, but i wouldnt say i like Like them, as in, personality wise

like, sams grappling with ptsd was rly gutting and i enjoyed that plus her slight rage issues,

which nicely parallel torys rage issues. torys background is all over the place tho so im pretty on the fence abt her so far

robby deserves better in every way, and i like how smart and cunning and surprisingly sweet he is

hawk............... is there i guess,

demetri is annoying in the best way possible,

carmen is sweet but. i just feel like her character is blunted to make the johnny relationship easier. like when shes furious with him after miguels injury but then forgives him like an episode later? and then convinces him to fight for the tournament bc she had a karate epiphany off screen even tho she was always against it? meh. feels like with the plot thiccening she was swallowed and now shes like a crutch for johnny mora than anything, which is disappointing.

aisha was cool and im kinda mad she wasnt in s3, especially bc a storyline with her tory and sam was like RIGHT THERE , but also... cant say i was super super fond of her... doesnt feel like we ever spent enough time on her

moon the bi icon,

overall its a good cast but the main draw for me remains the og cast

the tory/sam miguel/robby Thing. enjoy how theyre Narrative Foils and i like how their stories were so dramatically entangled but oh god give me a break with the teenage love square for the love of god. if u gonna put us through that at least have the decency to not make it so straight

and honestly some sam/tory miguel/robby romantic tension would even make more sense. just saying!

also im not sure how i feel abt the cobra kai: red miyagi do: blue theyre going with since some of daniels most iconic looks in tkk are also red. like it was a color they (johnny and him) sorta shared. i get it, opposite but complementary but idk... a little too fire nation and water tribe for me .

and like the cobra kai kids are so funny abt it bc their outifts grow progressively more ridiculously coordinated. its like do they group chat every morning before leaving their houses?

robby still sticks out like that tho. he went thru an athleisure/daniel san tsleeves phase and now hes back in the bandts grunge, but his color scheme doesnt fully blend with the other cobra kais. hmmmm.

LOVED LOVED LOVED both the okinawa episode and the cobra kais easy rider episode just such good good heart aching fun

bobby is an icon. he was in tkk and he is now ck hope appears more and more

tommy is like the most iconic background character. all his lines, freaking gold then and now. sigh :(

the framing in the okinawa trip was so good everything was so good

i stand by the fact that kumiko was the love interest daniel had the most chemistry with and shes is overall such a joy to watch, loved to see her again, idola, fashion icon

also tkk ii is good u guys are just mean

also really enjoyed chozens role in the episode, his evolution; i love that they introduced the pressure points (ty lee the blueprint) and! the honk + karate! cousins! absolutely iconic

when kumiko reads mr miyagis letters........ oh my god, my eyes FILLED with tears, it was so heart wrenching :(( tamlyns delivery was so emotional and lovely and its so obvious everyone involved in ck has so much love and respect for pat morita and mr miyagi as character, and i adore that it exists like this electric current through the show

when we were watching i told my sister i thought that ali would be miguels big shot surgeon and ngl i am so disappointed that didnt happen. hire me cobra kai writers

also the johnny ali daniel amanda chemistry? off the charts

AND the sassy retconning of daniel and alis breakup! LMAO ‘I HOPE U DIDNT TELL MR MIYAGI IT WAS MY FAULT’ HFDJJGNKFKSD

i am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure back injuries dont work like that but oke

daniel and johnny are so good together whenever, like they never actually help the kids or get shit done and end up fighting anyway but its just so much fun when theyre hanging

JOHNNY LAWRENCE AND DANIEL LARUSSO FIGHTING TOGETHER

daniels “plan” on how to get robby to juvie was so stupid. literally were u TRYING to make him hate you. dumbass

parents at those hearing rly brave for ppl that did not do ANYTHING as their kids got involved in a karate gang war until now

“bullshit i heard u were the real bully!” i mightve screeched

this s3 ending was SO DRAMATIC omg

everyone is such a MESS go to THERAPY u unhinged motherfckers

also im sorry but uh. a richass neighborhood in california doesnt have some type of neighborhood watch? the larussos rly dont have any security at all? neighbors wont hear the sound of a damn karate brawl happening next door??? also wasnt tory all like ooo i cant go to juvie, my mom yada yada yet shes always running around town getting into fights even at the rich girls house she was kicked out of school for fighting?? ? ?? ?? ? ? ? ?? ? ? girl??

stop destroying the larussos house, its so pretty :((((

sam finding her center looking at mr miyagis picture... uwu maybe

robby yelling ‘U ARE WEAAK’@ johnny \as he is easily blocking him is like.... so funny and so sad to me. sweetheart.

also i know it was meant as ‘oh johnny pushes him and HURTS HIM’ but it just looks like robby runs himself into the lockers and IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY

i like that he and tory are the cobra kai kids now. we need ppl we care abt there to not revert to a good vs evil schtick, and this is the most engaging it could be... tho it hurts that these kids cant catch a break

ah yes "lets bet some real shit on the result of this teen karate tournament bc that is always a great idea" is BACK

so daniel saves johnny from kreese..... maybe johnny will save him from terry 🧐

and dojos unite ohohoho. lets SEE how that’ll work out

miguels face of Despair when the ck defectors and the md kids are bickering like 'this is never gonna work' : gold

also. Johnny Lawrence is gonna learn some myiagi-do karate AHAAHSJAKDFH

ive been waiting for this moment all my lifeeee oh lawrd

final thoughts! there are def things i hope the writers will improve on the next season, but i am very excited for it either way AND i feel like it has made me enjoy the movies even more and that is a win for a reboot/sequel to me!!

#m.#did i procrastinate watching this since it came out and only watched it now bc my sister nagged me to when i said we should #watch karate kid over the holidays?#and then binged the whole thing in two days??#mayhaps and what abt it #cobra kai #the karate kid #its funn #y bc like karate kid is a Childhood movie but i wouldnt say #it was like particularly special for me?#like i wasnt in a fandom or anything #but now.#i might be invested #maybe #talvez

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lc-39a · 9 months ago

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ok feelings . uhhh what did i even wanna say. it wasn’t anything good. sorry

uh i wanna talk about how much self shipping sucks for me personally. and ik what ur thinking, “disco i thought you loved it” and the answer to that is yes i do, and i wouldn’t give it up for the world, but let me cook ok

it’s an integral part of my personality and i will never let it go, but genuinely sometimes it hurts so much. remembering there may be someone else out there feeling the same way for the same character absolutely fucking blows, and no amount of affirmations will stop that (tho i love and appreciate anyone and everyone who has ever done that). and it’s like, painful and infuriating to not have everyone in the fanbase of a thing know me and acknowledge me as Character’s Girlfriend/Wife. maybe that’s fucked up and deeply narcissistic of me, maybe it just means i’m human, idk. whatever

anyway. idk what i’m trying to say here. i think my relationship with selfshipping is so strained bc i can’t write or draw. i mean i can but it’s so hard to make myself type the right words or draw the right thing, and even when i do that i either a: don’t finish it, or b: finish it by some miracle and pretend to like the result so that i don’t just delete it. i come around to liking my stuff sometimes, and it’s nice to have a time capsule of my feelings, but like…

idk. it feels like i burn through the excited energy and then just crash and think “well… that was cringe :/” and then stop thinking about whatever ship it was about for like 5 months. and i fucking hate that so much. hang on i’m gonna go back up and put in a read more

ok that’s better (i apologize, but am appreciative, if you read this far). anyway, what else did i wanna say. oh yeah uh i hate how it’s so hard to build like, any sort of following/friend group here unless you post constantly and get commissions/have artistic talent of your own and/or ship with the currently popular media’s cool character. like when i made this blog (spring 2019) i felt like i could make friends but it became pretty clear pretty quick that it just wasn’t really gonna happen (kitty of course is the exception and she is my best friend in the entire universe, kitty if ur reading this i love you). i have had positive interactions with others on here but. idk

just feels like we’re all talking to voids bc a lot of us find it hard to get hyped about ships we aren’t familiar with the canon of, and even if we are, we’re selfshipping mainly to cope and stay focused on our ships. and that’s not a bad thing really, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s just something i’ve noticed

idk. in the end i kinda feel empty sometimes. i love my f/os but that doesn’t change the fact that i’m almost entirely incapable of feeling any attraction to real people. i know i’m not “broken,” and tbh life without it is a hell of a lot simpler and easier (like seriously cishet neurotypical relationship shit is so fucking stupid)… but it still hurts. especially compounded with my genuine belief that nobody in this world is meant for me (i was meant for peter, but we got separated. that sounds stupid when i type it but no take backs lol)… i just want to feel something, and believe it. that’s much rarer than you’d think

whatever. thanks for reading if you got to this point. sorry if any of this comes off as guilt tripping or any sort of manipulative. that’s not how i meant it and i care about y’all.

i just got a burst of manic energy and i wanna write out a bunch of feelings hang on a sec

#man i’m not tagging this

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crookes-library · 4 years ago

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Fanfic Year in Review 2020

Tagged by the continuously wonderful @kirstenseas TY hun

1. List of fics completed this year:

I know what you did last night: The Untamed - WangXian

Seasons: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

We’re All Fools Here: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

Amber: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

What Would I Be: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

Echoes: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

Moon & Stars: TLK - Sihtric/Ealhswith & Sihtric/ Osferth

Osbert: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

The scent of you: TLK - Uhtred/Finan

& a bunch of Ficlets

Are we noticing a theme? Uhtred/Finan are just that special blend of best friends to lovers & old marrieds that makes me want to tear my face off so I will probably not ever stop writing them

2. Number of words written:

67,112 words published on AO3 & about 2.6k in tumblr prompts not to mention the scraps and notes I’ve got here there and everywhere which is more than I’ve written in like 8 or 9 years? I’m pretty damn happy about that tbh

3. Your most popular fic this year:

By far ‘I know what you did last night’ which I like to believe is cause its cute but also because its a much bigger fandom and a much more popular ship

My most popular TLK fic is ‘What Would I Be’

4. Your personal favourite this year:

This is difficult because there’s a few I’m fond of but I’d say its between Seasons and Osbert.

‘Seasons’ because it really kick-started my writing this year and I was really proud of it. It felt pretty true to the books and I enjoyed weaving in the little moments between Uhtred and Finan. I’ve debated messing with the end but I’m still very happy with it overall

‘Osbert’ because it came out of nowhere and just ended up so nice? It was originally going to just be a vent fic of Uhtred’s frustration at being injured/in pain and unable to do things he would normally do because at the time I started writing it I was commuting to work and the chronic pain I get from my hip dysplasia was flaring up real bad but then Finan just took over and decided Uhtred deserves all the softness like he so often does lol

Honourable mentions to The scent of you because it was super fun to write and The Bodyguard because I just enjoy the concept

5. Your favourite scene:

Little Stiorra threatening to fight Finan’s secret lover for his hand in marriage in Amber so she doesn’t have to marry any stinky boys. I love love love Stiorra, she’s my baby and Uhtred and Finan just having a quiet afternoon being fond dads gives me all the warm & fuzzies

6. A fic or scene that challenged you:

Can I say all of them? Cause if so all of them, writing is hard and I am a very tired person who second/third/fourth-guesses every damn word

Mostly The Bodyguard though because its the first long fic that I’ve even attempted since like my ff.net days. I know what I’m doing with it/where I’m going but actually getting it all down is hard and slow going and I’m trying to forgive myself for that and not pressure myself and end up sucking out all the joy because I really do love it and I want to keep loving it

7. A line of writing you’re proud of:

Cheating with a couple lines from What Would I Be because it was one of those middle of the night-can’t sleep-sudden inspiration-omg the gay yearning of it all-things that I just really liked.

Once the clean-up is done Finan finds him. There is an easiness in the way that Finan folds into his embrace, steady and familiar. Finan pokes at his ribs when they draw back. “You were worried,” Finan teased, eyes warm with amusement. “As if I’d waste the energy on your scrawny arse,” Uhtred scoffed. But Uhtred was worried, he was, he was, he is.

8. A comment that touched you:

I’m someone who reads and re-reads my AO3 inbox constantly whenever I’m feeling stuck or I’m having a Bad Brain day and I need the serotonin so its hard to pick one because I’m honestly touched by anyone who takes the time to comment but a special shout out to The Enablers and to @deespiegel because they’re all just so? lovely?? I wouldn’t have written half as much this past year without their encouragement

9. Something that inspired your writing this year:

Uhtred Uhtred Uhtred ❤ I literally cannot emphasise enough how much he means to me and with S4 & the last book coming out I just fell so deeply back into my feels. Looking forward to the next book has gotten me through some really low points the last 13/14-ish years and what is fic if not an outlet for dealing with a story you love coming to an end? Also just the TLK books in general, BC has a terrible (brilliant) habit of writing the main character and his best friend as just super married in his books but Uhtred/Finan might actually be the craziest example yet of all his books that I’ve read. The last 2 books especially (Sword of Kings & War Lord), how is my little gay heart meant to handle knee touches and worrying and inside jokes and “Did he touch you?” HOW?? BC ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES

The Enablers have also been an endless source of inspiration and encouragement. I used to be such a fandom lurker, I was too awkward and shy to talk to anyone but now I have like actual fandom friends?!! And they’re just such amazing people?!! Cannot believe, they’ve really kept me going this past year ❤

10. Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc)

The fact that I’ve written more than I have in absolutely forever and also committing to a long fic, its not done yet but just the fact that I’ve started is huuuuge for me

11. Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

To finish The Bodyguard and just keep writing :)

I think all the enablers have already been tagged so anyone else who wants to do this have at!

PS Please make a new post if you do :)

#my writing #fandom #tag games #the last kingdom

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puppy-phum · 4 years ago

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🐰 🐇 👋 fr Classy Cultiva! Reply: Happy hols 2 u 2! May not log on til next wk 🎄| THERE WAS ONLY ONE CAVE 😄 I’m @ ep37 of a reaction rewatch & cave ~ 100 lifetimes ago | omg I can’t deal w/Lotus Pier's destruction. Just can’t. It’s so much. But yes AMAZING acting by all, ahhhh omg ofc 3ary otp is: everyone and therapy O_o Yesss the more I think on it, everything goes back to wwx sacrificing himself & almost everything goes back 2 golden core xfer and keeping it secret from EVERYONE 1/2

bc he never wants jc 2 know *sobs* & ofc jc sacrifices himself 1st *screams* thumbs wiping teary cheeks *dies* | there’s a post going around how wwx thought jc valued cultivation above all but really jc just thinks cultvn is the only way anyone will value [love] him and GOD GET THERAPY *hyperventilates* Q12: content ur proudest of making? Or you wish existed? I made 1 photoset, but many more ideas. Soooo many ideas & fics wip [like 10 or more], still trying to manifest a Whatta Man vid 😂 2/2

hello Classy Cultiva ^^ I hope you enjoyed your christmas time! I got some nice presents and now am just doing some normal uni work again :’D tho studying feels like a pain sigh

oh yes that’s a slippery slope, the golden core transfer... I always remember when I first watched all of that, the destruction of Lotus Pier (which I knew was coming bc I had seen the donghua’s first season) and the jc just going nuts and wwx going to rescue him and them just escaping with the wen siblings. and then wwx desperately trying to find a way to cure his brother and I knew something bad was going on when wen qing just started arguing with wwx about the way he found. and then there was the part where jc climbed onto that hill and I could smell something fishy about it. but then they just moved on and lowkey forgot about all of that in favor of bringing wwx back as the yiling patriarch? but I remember yelling before the reveal happened bc I was just so ready for it :’D it was kinda funny how they just made it super obvious but decided to keep it (tho I was super shocked about the reveal that jc sacrificed himself first bc at this point I was still very conflicted about him as a character...) but yes pls, therapy for everyone ;; especially bc wangxian are really the only ppl who at the end seem content and happy with how the things turn out? or at least a lot happier than many others sigh

hmm, content am proud of? I’ve made this one post about my own fave works this year and two other similar ones (I think?) before that too. it’s been nice to look at my own old stuff and see how much I’ve made progress but also how much I’ve actually made in general :’D I am very proud of all of my edits tbh bc it’s something I got into this year and have loved learning. I’ve also been super proud of my xicheng fic bc it’s HUGE and I can’t fathom that I’ve actually written over 100k for them... and one more thing am proud of are the drawings I’ve made this year! I have ended up making portraits of lwj, wwx and jc during this year and I wish I manage to draw lxc as an addition soon :’D they’ve turned out great and I hope I can post them here at some point ^^ I would also love to try video editing but am a bit scared of that :’D the next thing I might try is giffing? tho that terrifies me too lol but it would just be the next level of picture editing right? right????? (help me lord)

I wish you good luck with all of your works ^^ I know wips are a pain but you can do it! as long as you have fun with them ^^ and enjoy the rest of your holidays and the upcoming new years!

see you again ♥

#mdzsnetcc #i hope you are well!

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edelgoth · 5 years ago

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conquest matchup

@the-alpahaca hi hi!! happy new year to you too!! also, it’s good to see you back with another request <3 sorry it took me so long to get this to you; i’ve been in a bit of a writing slump hhhh (the fact i’m saying happy new year goes to show how long i’ve kept you waiting i am SO sorry jlgdfdgfklj)

also i felt that “tend to waste my life away daydreaming” and having it be more of a defect down to my gut skljdfslfk.

also, since you wrote me such a lovely matchup (and now headcanons), i’ve made this a little longer <3

so, i match you with...

leo!!

listen, the contrast in this relationship. the balance that contrast brings. i’m living for it.

you’re the bubbly & friendly to leo’s calm & somber. i think you two just have such so much to offer each other?

for example, i think leo could help you keep your scatter-brain in check. or, if that’s out of the realm of possibility, he’s just so organized & purposeful that it balances out (watch me write the word balance one too many times dslkjfd)

but on the other hand, leo could really do with having someone who likes cheering other people up around (hell, all the nohrian siblings could dskljflfkj) someone’s gotta make him smile, and that person is you!!

leo needs some kindness to stoke his intensity; it’s an intensity that’s developed quite naturally out of the circumstances of his birth and his upbringing. so, i think your personality would help remind him how to be kind, and he’s very grateful for it

furthermore, you two would have a good balance when it comes to understanding & forgiving too easily vs drawing the line too harshly; i think you two could really learn from each other and come to a healthy equilibrium!!

leo can come off as quite cold, but honestly? i reckon he’s got a bit of awkwardness too. so sometimes he finds your own awkwardness adorable (good luck getting him to admit to that, tho), and sometimes he finds it painful because it hits too close to home. idk if that made sense dkljfsdsflkj

he’d find you quite intriguing at first (probably a bit suspicious of your motives, but that’s just how he is), because of that mysterious vibe you give off; finding out that you’re actually quite kind and scatterbrained would be quite endearing to him

furthermore, because of the sort of person he is, he can help bring you back down to earth when you’re daydreaming

but, at the same time, he admires your creativity!! it’s something he cherishes in you, and he never wants you to lose that streak

your wish for romanticism (the most traditional sense) in the everyday may just wake something up in him? the want to see the beauty in the world around him, to find meaning; and while your romanticism has caused you some strife in the past, i think leo’s very logical, analytical and observant nature may help you unpick that?? because it’s a very precious thing to want to find that which is worth loving, but he might be able to help you do that in a way that doesn’t cause you pain (i feel like this made NO sense i’m so sorry)

nerd that he is, he’s impressed by the fact that you’re trilingual!! (so am i dflkfjf) i can see him being interested in learning key phrases from each of your three languages

he loves your cooking!! (it’s taking everything within me to not make a tired joke about tomatoes hhhh) i can’t remember if his opinion on sweets is stated anywhere, but you can bet he’s going to appreciate anything you make for him

definitely a documentary guy in a modern au

leo’s very observant, which means he always has something nice to say about every outfit you put together. it’s usually about your attention to detail

pls use your fashion skills to fix his collar i’m begging you--

also!! the contrast in your tastes in fashion. high art.

leo’s an introvert himself (i think), so he’d respect your need to recharge and will give you that space. it sounds like your energy levels match quite well!!

leo knows what it’s like to isolate himself; with a childhood like his, it’s no surprise that he tends to hide himself away in his studies. i think that’d help him identify when you just need some time alone to catch your breath, or when he should be concerned.

because he’s had such a different upbringing (one that’s like,,, sheltered, and yet also the opposite of sheltered,,, wtf is going on in nohr) he’d offer you quite the different perspective on life and the world and our place in it

leo would really enjoy talking about philosophy with you!! or, rather, existentialism; he doesn’t have anyone to even touch on those subjects with, so you’d end up getting the full brunt of what he’s really thinking and feeling

it might get overwhelming at times (boy’s been through some Intense stuff), but it also means he’d be very attentive in return; he genuinely enjoys hearing you talk through your thoughts and how you’ve arrived at them

he’d definitely be able to talk for hours and hours with you about life, and actively encourage you to share your thoughts with him!!

in general, i think he needs someone insightful and perceptive, not only to keep up with his own mind, but to understand him

he’d love that you’re so interested in the world and people and that you just want to know about it all; it’s a part of him that he’s pushed down after prioritizing learning just to survive

leo can be very no-nonsense, and from one melancholic to another, that can be very helpful at the right time asjkf

he’ll constantly be telling you that you’re smart and intelligent and he will not hear otherwise; if there’s something you’re not getting, he’s going to do his best to try and explain it to you in a different way

he’d point out when you were being too harsh on yourself. he thinks it’s absurd that you can be so cruel to yourself when you’re so kind to him and the people around you. he just can’t wrap his head around it

he admires your kindness in general; especially the way you... think of other people and their place in the world, if that makes sense?? the reason being that, once again, his childhood didn’t leave much space for that sort of mindset (i’ll literally pay myself to stop talking about his childhood i askjfdfldkj)

funnily enough, i feel like leo is the opposite of you when it comes to the cold/warm dichotomy; where you’re very good at taking care of people and being a good friend, you’re able to let them go when the time comes. leo strikes me as the opposite; distant and hard to reach, but gets quite attached (i’m mainly thinking of his retainers and his siblings). i wanted to say something #deep about it but i’ll go back to the fact you have great contrast yet again

i feel like leo would be okay with the fact that you’re not super affectionate, too; he’s a bit of a romantic, but i don’t see him being big on physical affection? like of course he enjoys it, but it’s not high on his love languages. i have nothing profound to say, just thought it was of note skljffdlj

but, he’s proved time and time again that he’s capable of being quite the romantic; so, he’d be able to meet you in the middle when it comes to finding a life full of romance!!

i feel like he’s a big gesture guy, and he prefers using them to express how he feels over words

he’s very good at complimenting you (especially if he thinks you’re being hard on yourself), but he struggles to get frank with his own feelings; so instead, expect a lot of thoughtful gifts and dates

loves your writing. is always asking if he can read it. has a particular love for your essays, just because he’s also got an analytical mind

likes getting you to brainstorm with him whenever he’s stuck on a particular problem!! he just appreciates how your mind works and it can be such a contrast to his own (i get the feeling he’s got tunnel vision), so it’s a big help!!

he’s not very artistic himself, but he loves seeing whatever you create, be it drawings or written pieces. i feel like he’d be surprisingly good at motivating you, without making it too obvious that that was his goal?? i’ve made less and less sense the further down this matchup we go

because he struggles with his inferiority complex, i feel like leo would be quite understanding of your own insecurity. of course, he disagrees (he thinks that being a jack of all trades certainly has some benefits over specializing, like him), but he’d be able to handle it with a sensitivity and thoughtfulness beget only by someone who truly understands

and finally, he’d be grateful that you’re good at understanding people. leo’s got a lot pent up, and i think someone like you would be the perfect partner for someone like him!! honestly, he probably needs a bit of help understanding himself (same thing could be said about the rest of the nohrian siblings tbh), and i think you’d be able to help with that

essentially, you connect on a lot of your core traits, but there’s still a contrast which could help incur growth!! bless this couple it’s such a high tier concept

alternate matches

kaze: a big reason i chose leo over kaze is that i think you’d have more of a intellectual connection with the former? i think your personalities would mesh quite well, as you’re both kind and thoughtful and yet also a bit stoic. there’s still a good bit of contrast, where he’s reserved and you’re quite bubbly, which’d make this pairing quite cute. the general vibe i get from this pairing is ‘uncontrollably fond’, and i really like it? regardless of if you were romantically involved or not, i think you and kaze would get along wonderfully (and would likely end up as best friends?)

laslow: now this guy is quite different from the other two. firstly, he matches your more bubbly side, while also being prone to moments of introspection. i think laslow has a certain maturity to him in fates that’d make him a good person to rely on. but, he’s not too serious and mature, so he’s still someone you could have a lot of fun with. but, while i said he’s prone to moments of introspection, i don’t think he goes quite as,,, deeply, as you do?? i can’t see him debating philosophy, tbh. but, i think he’d still be a really good match!! leo is just better

also silas was being VERY LOUD so he’s here too, i guess

#matchups #fire emblem matchups #leo matchup

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kippentrash · 6 years ago

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(1/?)The fact that I thought them saying long distance was a metaphor for how the relationship is slowburn is probably far fetched right? I think Rachel will show up in 3x14, that would be some conflict possibly because Marty is shown running with Buffy :o If I'm gonna be honest I think Muffy will get together romantically but once I meet Rachel I'll either be like "love this new character!" or "i want to cry why are you this way" JUST LET THEM BE HAPPY DISNEY I BEG YOU

(2/?) Tyrus tangents always welcome! My heart broke for both of them. Cyrus is already insecure as we’ve seen and this can’t be good for his self esteem :( TJ is obviously going through something and I’m worried for what it is. Did Kira make him insecure? Or was it something different? Either way this emotional conflict (as you pointed out) feels almost bigger than the gun. Because Cyrus trusts Tj at this point, the gun situation was the thing to cement that

(3/3) Totally agree with being outsold like this episode, while hurtful in aspects was so GOOD. We’re seeing Jonah growth, Muffy and Tyrus growth and I am here for it!! Bexie not having a wedding I was actually okay with? Hopefully Andi’ll be okay too. My cats a Burmese! He just reached his 1st year yesterday :) you have a dog??? What breed? How old? Sorry I love dogs they are great animals -ghostie anon

So like this turned out pretty long bc I addressed pretty much everything you mentioned (most elaborately the buildup and teardown of Cyrus) plus more here and there. Like, I’ve typed a lot before, and I’ve put things under a cut before, but this is LONG. Like when I first got into the fandom and typed a weeks worth of responsed for the Andi Mack Month prompts long. SO UNDER A CUT IT GOES LOL (I’m sorry again for it being practically a 5 page essay ;w;)

To summarize: Rachel will definitely be an interesting aspect of the ep, the things showed of Cyrus’s insecurities plus the fact that somersaults are ‘their thing’ makes it all the more painful, I’m really excited to see what specifically they chose to do with TJ and his insecurities, Jonah’s doing better and I don’t want Jandi to ruin that, this episode has some cool parallels to 1x11, and this episode set up so much with each of the relationships I’m ready to see unfurl. Oh and rip Andi bigtime this episode.

Oh and so you don’t need to scroll all the way down, THAT’S SO CUTE MY FRIEND HAS A BURMESE TOO!!! He always looks like he’s constantly terrified lol I don’t think he likes me. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM!!! Doggos are amazing I have a yellow lab and I wub her sm

OKAY ONTO MY HELLA LONG RESPONSE TO YOUR ASKS I LOVE YOU AND IM REALLY SORRY IN ADVANCED

Ooo that’s a cool thought! Maybe maybe! All I thought about the long distance thing is it was to show that Marty has changed a little during their time apart and that it was a plot device to show that Buffy’s competitiveness can cause her to get in over her head still, as well as you know the Marty worrying stuff. But that’s actually really interesting I hadn’t thought of it that way! I wonder how slow burn they can make it though considering how little is left for them to work with.

Pretty much anything Muffy related will cause conflict when it comes to Rachel tbh. Like just them standing next to one another with her knowledge will be something because of the sheer amount of sparks flying between them when they so much as look at each other LOL (You can see my Muffy stan jumping out). And I’m all for it! No offense Rachel, I know you probably make Marty happy and stuff but like… Muffy. I’m honestly kind of curious how Marty and Rachel’s relationship is going to be portrayed considering it’s going to be sunk FAST and I’m pretty sure Muffy will happen extremely soon after so. We’ll see how that goes. Because Muffy is definitely endgame at this point in my opinion, whether it be ambiguous because Rachel and Marty just broke up and they want to find security in the newly rebuilt relationship they have before starting anything or something they show with full confirmation and commitment on screen.

I’m trying my best to have NO expectations of Rachel so we’ll see what happens when I meet her lol. There’s no character in this show at this point I have ZERO opinion on I think (watch me remember some as soon as I finish posting this lol), so I’m pretty sure that I’ll definitely form some feeling about her in the single episode she’s in. But I’m kind of hoping they’re not that strong of feelings. So we’ll see how that goes I don’t want to feel bad for her but I also don’t want to just despise her for being a buffer between Muffy so. WE SHALL SEE WE SHALL SEE.

As for Tyrus, oh my GODS right? Looking at it from Cyrus’s perspective might pain me even more than looking at it in TJ’s.

TJ’s the one person who’s constantly believed in him and never seems to be ashamed of Cyrus, and then this happens. He was the first one to tell Cyrus not to let anyone, even himself, tell him what he can’t do. Then take into account that somersault is one of those big moments in Cyrus’s life where TJ was there and believed in him and didn’t seem to be ashamed or put off by it, even though Cyrus and Andi had insisted it was something Cyrus was incapable of. Both him and his best friend tried to warn TJ against it, yet TJ didn’t give up on Cyrus and was so proud when he was able to do it. But now that same thing that TJ had once been proud of and shown no judgment towards and is something Cyrus considered to be their thing is what TJ winds up opting out of.

It brings me back to s2 when Cyrus said “He wants to be friends with me. Who knows why.” And it makes me really want to cri everytiem. Like you said, the gun situation built up their friendship even more and established its solidarity, and you can tell they got even closer after it. He thought they were comfortable and that he was as important to TJ as TJ was to him (which he IS), especially after the whole “only person I can talk to like this” thing. So TJ not telling Cyrus something, along with that ‘something’ negatively having to do with something he thought was special to both of them, must be a real punch in the gut. Maybe Cyrus is more secure in himself than I’m giving him credit for and is just feeling betrayed, but I think it’s more of both betrayal, humiliation, and questioning of their whole relationship (which I think I’ve posted about already lol).

AND THEN if you take when he and Jonah were supposed to wear matching jackets together and compare that to him and TJ in this scenario, I’d think that this feels even worse. TJ was the one brought up doing a matching costume in comparison to him bringing up the jackets with Jonah, and instead of just being a jacket from a random sports game he didn’t care for, this was an inside joke that he emphasized was their thing. So it was bigger and more important. This may be me reading into it too much, but considering being ditched in a situation like this is now something that has happened to him before due to the Jonah thing, he might feel even worse about himself for letting it happen to him twice.

I’m putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that it’s their thing, because even though Cyrus and TJ both saying that in the episode was cute for the simple fact that they say they have a ‘thing’, I feel like by saying that it also draws attention to the importance of what the costume was in their relationship. It was them both being proud of having a ‘thing’ and ‘inside joke’ together. And I kinda keep in mind that Cyrus and TJ had been talking about the costume and its importance to two different people trying to stand their ground against two different costumes. They know both of them found the costume funny and was a cool joke between the two of them, but they didn’t necessarily know how much importance it held for the other. But one party backed out of something that actually holds importance and emotional value for someone they claimed they didn’t really hang out with much and with no warning at all. If it were me my anxiety would make me wonder whether it had actually been important to them at all or if it were all in my own head. ;=;

This scene just feels so built up from so many different times we’ve seen Cyrus feel insecure, and now that TJ’s become someone he doesn’t find himself feeling insecure around and someone he instead finds comfort in, having it all compound into TJ no longer being someone who he can feel he trusts makes it so much worse. Especially since it related to something he felt was important enough to them that he’d opted out of the GHC+Jonah costume.

And on TJ’s side I feel so bad that he feels like turning down Kira for Cyrus is something that wouldn’t normally be accepted, and I’m really curious what route they’re going to go in terms of which aspect of what she said had caused him to change his mind, because really there are a few different things they can go about using. They can draw it on the lines of peer pressure and social hierarchy, fear of being too obvious with how he treats Cyrus, make him question himself/his sexuality, etc. and whatever route they do take will essentially come back to TJ’s insecurity.

But like I said, TJ’s never seemed to be ashamed of being close to Cyrus before and has never seemed to care about how being friends with Cyrus (or ‘a person like Cyrus’) might affect his image before, so I’m really interested to see what part of his insecurities caused him to ditch Cyrus. He’s in so much pain when he sees Cyrus (Luke OUTSOLD) that it makes me wonder what pushed him to even consider hurting both himself and Cyrus in the process. Especially when you consider the line from 3x7 where he talks about how if he knew Reed had a gun, he definitely wouldn’t have brought Cyrus. So yeah, I’m really curious and hope to see them actually specify what part of her threat caused him to decide to change his mind. They pretty much need to have him give some explanation to Cyrus in order for things to mend themselves.

I also wonder if TJ will feel bad enough about this to avoid Cyrus himself or if TJ’s insecurities will cause him to feel like he doesn’t have the right or can’t talk to Cyrus without it being risky, or if Cyrus will be avoiding him after this or anything. This seems like a big argument type of thing. No TJ next episode means no confrontation for at least a period of time in-universe, and I don’t think it’ll be Buffy and Andi policing Cyrus again this time. Cyrus is his own person, they know that and acknowledge that more than ever after the gun incident, and I think they know whatever he does in regards to TJ will be his own decision and will support his decision like the good friends they are. People are upset at them for jumping to conclusions about TJ ditching Cyrus but fact of the matter is their friend is extremely upset over something TJ caused, and they’re being protective. Sort of like when Amber had done some bad things to Andi, it took Cyrus and Buffy some time on their own to lower their defenses. Plus, looking at Cyrus’s face when he was about to cry after TJ leaves with Kira tells me that while the gun thing wasn’t that personal, this definitely was.

Please say that it’s not a plotline they shove offscreen for an episode like they did with Jonah and Libby before coming back to it. At least show Cyrus having some distress about it and talking about it with maybe Buffy or something. And please please please Andi Mack I beg of you stop hurting TJ like this he’s already gone through so much and he’s NOT EVEN A MAIN CHARACTER SALKDJASKLDJ Anytime he does something like this it will give me flashbacks to “classic TJ” and I DON’T WANT IT TO (okay yes I do because it shows it’s a powerful line and they’re using it to provoke me properly but you know what I mean)

Jonah, Jonah, Jonah. This poor boy. He’s growing into his own person and becoming more understanding that while he should take others feelings into account he also needs to pay attention to himself instead of just always putting on a brave face which I love. But jfc he has the worst timing to make these decisions. Andi already had so many other things just crashing down around her, adding his anvil to the pile was definitely an oof.

I really hope that now that they’re emphasizing both how Andi does not want to be the next ex in the lineup as well as how Jonah finds being in a relationship too demanding that it’s actually building up to a single Jonah endgame, or at the very least an ambiguous endgame. They have it pretty set in stone at this point that Andi and Jonah are fine with their friendship and that Jonah’s been getting himself into relationships he is most definitely not ready for, so with so few episodes left I can’t see how they can turn that on its heel and result in Jandi endgame without some major logic gaps.

For the love of EVERYTHING Jonah take some time to be single. Amber always needing a boyfriend pales in comparison to you always getting a girlfriend even though you don’t even seem to want one???

Also random but I really like how his decision to not partake in the group costume paralleled 1x11 where Andi decided to not just make decisions to make Jonah happy. I feel like this episode in general paralleled bits of 1x11 here and there tbh. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much but not just Jonah and Andi making their own decisions instead of making everyone happy, but the whole costume aspect vs the prison uniforms, Cyrus wanting to back out of Mt Rushmore vs wanting to change into his own outfit for picture day, Buffy helping Cyrus find an replacement vs Buffy helping Cyrus find a way to use the prison uniform well for his picture, and Jonah not participating in Mt Rushmore just for Andi vs Andi not giving up on her movement and taking off the uniform just for Jonah are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head! I haven’t seen anyone mention it and it’s not like its a big obvious parallel, but it’s just some things I started thinking about after comparing Jonah and Andi’s ‘were we ever’-esque speeches.

AND FINALLY MUFFY, TYRUS, AND BEXIE PLOTS OPENING.

Like you said, I love the develpoment they’re giving Muffy and Tyrus! Muffy’s being given time to show that they fit like puzzle pieces even after not talking for awhile and that even after they haven’t talked for awhile and left on not the best of terms, they still clearly care for eachother whatever way that is at the moment, and I can’t wait to see how they add to that care and their dynamic as we get to see the rest of Marty’s episodes in the season. Tyrus getting angst specifically related to their relationship like Muffy’s ‘I want it to be real/I don’t want it to change’, Bexie’s proposal(s) and last name decision, and Jandi’s… well Jandi’s everything since pretty much it’s always something personal blown out of proportion for Jandi is something I didn’t expect and am actually excited for the more I think about it! Like yes it’s going to pain me until the show is back, but I’m not opposed to the angst itself lol. So I’m ready to see how they grow and to what extent they grow by the finale!

Bexie not having a wedding I’m actually okay with too. Like there’s really no rush to get married, if they decide later down the line they do want to have a wedding or just want to officiate it that’s fine. They’re engaged, and they’re committed to eachother, and that’s enough for them if they can be a family. Of course, eventually they’ll probably want to go through with at least something small in the future (if you think hypothetically not with the confirmation they’re gonna have a wedding in show) that’s fine too. Honestly, considering they didn’t even go through the process of beginning to date again before proposing, I sort of think it’d be good for them if they prolong the wedding. There’s no time frame a wedding needs to occur post engagement, right?

I do feel bad for Andi though, since she was so excited and working so hard with Cece to plan for the wedding, only for it to not happen since of course it’s not her wedding and she can’t make them get married if they don’t want to. This episode was just so mean to her oh my gosh, from her parents’ marriage to her group costume, they were things she was so excited for but had to rely on others which ultimately fell through and she just can’t do anything about it really. PLUS trying to work out a friends’ relationship and make it work for them even though it’s really not something she should need to get involved with must’ve exhausted her. Trust me, I know. I know the feeling for both the being excited for something but commitments fall through and the feeling of how tiring it is trying to help friends in a relationship understand their own relationship. Lmao.

I think that was about it in response to what you said. Sorry again that it’s so frEAKING long and if you read this far (whether you’re ghostie or you’re just a random passerby on this LONG ASS POST) you a real one and I love you

I should have applied to TyrusChat with this much commentary i stg SLKAJDLKSAJ except I was too socially anxious to apply and have such disorganized thoughts to dump. Whoops.

I hope this made sense. It took me like 2-3 hrs to type this all out while discording my friends (not related to Andi Mack), so yeah. Hope this was a fun read and is somewhat coherent since it’s 2am. No proofreading we die like… dead people.

OVERALL: As you put it best...

“JUST LET THEM BE HAPPY DISNEY I BEG YOU “

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amphtaminedreams · 5 years ago

Text

All The Tattoos I Couldn’t Really Afford

Hi to anyone who’s reading!

I thought I’d write about my tattoos a lil bit.

Partly because I’d like to talk generally about tattoos and what they mean for people who have dealt with self-harm and poor body image and partly because I get questions now and again about the more practical side of things; who did them, how much did they hurt and probably the most frequent one, how much did they cost (I mean, only my entire livelihood and every last spare pound I had for about 2 years but nbd)? The point being that I can put all this information in one place, especially as I don’t plan to get any more in the foreseeable future.

See, as much as I get tired of people I don’t really know commenting on them, I suppose I did kind of bring it upon myself. Facially, I probably look about 15. I get told I'm exaggerating when I say that BUT I WAS STILL BUYING CHILD’S TICKETS ON THE BUS UP UNTIL LAST YEAR BC AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR £2.60 SINGLES. Where do you live for a bus single to cost £2.60 I hear you ask? In a tory heartland, my friend.

Anyway, the point is that I look pretty young to have a sort-of sleeve and tbh, I am. I’d say that for a lot of people, a sleeve is something you build on kinda throughout your life, not something you plan on getting pretty much the minute you turn 18. That isn’t exactly how it was for me either. I was more like 20 when I started on my left arm, lol. I started on the rest when I was 18 and had known most of the tattoos I wanted to get since I was about 14/15, so for quite a while. I think I always associated a tattooed version of me with a version of myself I liked and respected a lot more than the girl I saw myself as at that age, but I didn’t realise just how true that would be. The tattoos definitely aren’t the reason I’m so much more body confident than I was back then; I’m at a weight I feel more comfortable in, I’ve learned how to do my makeup better and I think I’ve grown into myself more. Plus, I got my braces off, which helps. The constant fear of having food in my teeth hardly conjures up a sense of nostalgia, lol. On top of that, seeing a wider and more diverse range of faces and body types celebrated online and in the media has definitely helped me too.

But one thing that I noticed is how much more respect having tattoos gives me for my own body. When you have talented men and women’s art all over you, it makes you feel like less of a body and more of a blank sheet. I think the attention moves away from the parts underneath that you might not like so much to something you don’t necessarily associate with yourself. It helps me to notice myself more objectively, with appreciation taking the place of scrutiny. And with regards to self-harm, on a practical level, I don’t want to damage somebody else’s hard work.

The first tattoo I actually got, about a month or so after I turned 18 was pretty simple. I found the studio by way of recommendation from someone who’s tattoo I liked, which imo is probably the best route to go down for your first one. Word of mouth is generally a pretty good indicator of what to expect.

The 5 planet formation on the back of my neck was based on a Tumblr photo I’d saved on my phone, though in the original design I believe the planets were on the person’s chest.

PROTIP: If you’re getting a tattoo based on something you found on Pinterest, Google Images or Tumblr, the best thing to do is first to probably make a note of the artist and ideally ask them for their permission. This is something I wish I’d done at the time; the majority of my tattoos are based on images I found on the sites I just mentioned and saved without thinking and I generally deleted the photos once I sent them to the tattoo artist. Understandably, artists see it as respect thing to credit them and if I do ever come across the designs some of my tattoos are based on, I will of course make sure to add their details to this post, BUT to be completely honest, nobody outside of the internet is that bothered if you copied a tattoo you saw on Pinterest one time.

I think the best thing to do is to ask your tattoo artist to put their own spin on a design and add to it, which is what I’ve generally done, and that way you should avoid anyone feeling like their work has been stolen. I like that approach anyway, especially if you’re going back to the same person for all your tattoos; it adds a consistency to them.

This being my first tattoo, there wasn’t really much of a deeper meaning behind it. I liked the way it looked and wanted something simple that could easily be covered. I got this done by dclxvi.tattoo on Instagram, and it cost around £40. In terms of pain, there wasn’t much at all. I thought it was going to be a lot worse from what others had told me, and more than anything I could feel the vibration of the needle. I’d give it a 1/10 on the pain threshold.

My second was the quote on my left side over my ribcage which reads “think deeply, speak gently, give freely and be kind”. This came from one of those cheesy typical middle class white people signs we usually put in our kitchens; we currently have about 6 and counting in ours. The full quote is “Think deeply, speak gently, love much, laugh a lot, work hard, give freely and be kind” but I thought that was a bit long winded so I kept the parts I liked. I suppose the meaning meaning of this is pretty self-explanatory, lol! When I was younger and still even now with the people I’m close to, I worry way too fucking much what people think of me. It’s a very cliche saying but at some point, I learnt that what others say about you says more about them than it does about you. From then, I started realising that as long as I know I do my best to treat people well, that’s the important thing and this tattoo is kind of just a reminder of that. IIRC, this one cost about £60 and was with the same artist as my first. She was really lovely and made me feel very comfortable so I went back to her for this one, and my next couple too. Again, even though it was on my ribs, I’d give it a 1/10 for pain.

I kinda lose track but I’m pretty sure it was over the summer of my 18th that I got the 3 you can see in the photo above, all still by the same artist. The first on this area of my arm was the quote “love yourself so no-one else has to” inside the heart/feminine symbol hybrid. Similarly, it’s quite self-explanatory but if I had to expand on it, it’s just a reminder that it’s not about what other people think and that as long as I’m happy in myself and BY myself, that’s what matters. This was around the £40 mark and I vaguely remember tattoos getting slightly more painful around this point as we’re getting into musclier territory. Not to make out I have guns or anything, lol, but I’ve always found that tattoos that are on top of muscle are the most difficult to sit through, still though I’d give it a 2/10 for pain. Shortly after I got the crystal ball with the quote underneath. The crystal ball is pretty much a copy of a tattoo I found on Pinterest by the tattoo artist Emily Malice/@emilymalice on Instagram:

I then chose a quote to add underneath it to make it my own which was: “it’s not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves”. It’s the modernised version of a quote from the Shakespeare play Julius Caesar, and basically sums up the idea that if we want something, we have to go and get it ourselves. I’m not really a believer in fate or destiny or the idea that the universe has a bigger plan for us and though that might sound really pessimistic, I find it empowering in that we can go out and make our lives into anything we want them to be. Of course there are things that are out of our hands but for the most part, it’s down to us; I’m on that inner locus of control shit. And yes I remembered that from A-level psychology, lol. On the pain scale, also a 2/10.

Next was my Lana tattoo. Imagine copious amounts of the heart eyes emoji here. It’s based on this drawing:

Which I cannot find the artist of fucking ANYWHERE. The image is all over the bloody internet and returned about 30 different results on TinEye but I can’t for the life of me find the original version so if anybody knows, lmk!

Anyway, it was my first of 2 Lana tattoos and it’s probably my favourite of them all. I’ve been a hardcore stan of this woman since I was about 12 and Video Games went viral (yes, I was a very pretentious 12 year old/general human being) and her music has been my soundtrack to EVERYTHING for the last 7/8 years. I’m a basic bitch and so Born to Die: Paradise Edition and Ultraviolence are still my favourite albums of hers but I wanted to pay tribute to the Lust for Life cover with the flowers in the hair because it represented her moving towards inner peace and contentment and I loved that.

COST: approx. £70

PAIN: 2/10

That was my last tattoo for a while until about November 2018, from which point onwards I was getting them pretty much constantly up until a few months ago. I was no longer at uni, had a part time job and for the first time had proper disposable income, so I got my first proper “piece” tattoo:

This one I very shittily designed myself, though the lip part was based on this tattoo by Heidi Kaye/@heidikayetattoo on Instagram:

The lips were always going to be the centrepiece though it was originally a much bigger design. The idea was that it would be a piece based around the elements, water, earth, air and fire, with the things that represents each being something sentimental to me. Well, apart from the lips which would represent the passion of the fire signs; I just thought they looked cool, lol. On a less shallow note, the butterflies, which represent air (along with the moons), I associate with my mum as she’s always wearing butterfly patterned outfits and jewellery. Yeah, I don’t know how you can claim a whole ass insect either but apparently they’re her thing! And similarly, the scorpion is for my sister; it represents water, scorpio being a water sign. She and I used to watch Orphan Black together and took to affectionately calling each other “sestra” instead of sister like the Ukranian character Helena pronounces it in the show. At one point, I believe it’s season 3, her character hallucinates a scorpion (don’t ask, that show was pretty wack at times), hence the scorpion tattoo. Lastly, the flowers and the agate rock represent earth, which is the home of my sun and moon sign. There were originally going to be a lot more details to the piece but I wanted to keep it on the back of my arm and when I showed it to my new tattoo artist, Matt Cassy (cassytattoo on Instagram), he simplified it for me so that it would fit. It cost around £140 and took the longest time yet, but I’d give it a 1/10 for pain and it’s my favourite tattoo after my Lana one, probably because it’s the most individual.

Next after this was my sunflower and it took me to one of kindest and most talented people I’ve ever met! I’m pretty sure this was the first one she did for me and from this point onwards, I went back to Bianca Kidd (biancakiddtattoo on Instagram) for 90% of my tattoos. It’s a pretty basic piece but I really wanted a tattoo on my shoulder and preferably something that will never really go “out of style”. Flower tattoos are so simple but the absolute prettiest imo and I don’t think I’ll ever look back on this one and be like “what was I thinking?” I got Bianca to add the stars which were SUPPOSED to be in the form of the constellations of my sun, moon and rising signs, Capricorn, Virgo and what I thought was Scorpio but turns out is actually Cancer. Shoulda known considering how much of a needy, over-emotional twat I am, lol. On the one hand, it seems kinda contradictory to my crystal ball tattoo quote to believe in astrology but on the other, I think there might be something to the time of year a person is born and the environmental factors that come with that (climate, financial patterns etc.) affecting a person’s temperament slightly. It could all be a load of BS, considering the vagueness of most star signs and our tendency to want to agree with positive statements about ourselves, and I DEFINITELY don’t believe in the stars having any impact on your future or fate but it’s still fun to read about either way. Would be even funner if I didn’t have regrets about getting my natal chart wrong and being sure enough that Scorpio was my rising sign to get a tattoo referencing it every time I did, but there you go. If anyone asks, the placement of the stars is TOTALLY. RANDOM.

COST: approx. £140

PAIN: I find that even if a tattoo isn’t in a super painful position, your skin begins to get a little raw and thus more sensitive when it’s under a needle for a long period of time so 3/10

Next was the snakey boy on the inside of my right arm which I got just before Christmas, again by Bianca:

I don’t have much to say about this one other than it’s pretty much a copy of one I saw on Pinterest that I’d saved quite a while before (unfortunately I can’t find it anywhere now but if anybody does know the source lmk!) because I fricken love snakes and think they’re cute and misunderstood af. Not as cute as cats but definitely up there. Bianca changed it slightly by adding the dots around the rose and we went from there, and the main thing I remember is that this one actually hurt. Close to the armpit and on top of the muscle is a bad combination and I’m totally in awe of the madmen that go right into the pit itself. It cost £80 and for pain I’d give it an 8/10.

Cop the exact same pose only with the other arm instead, but I also got my mermaid around this time:

She was done by Polly (biffinx on instagram) who’s an apprentice tattoo artist. If you are looking for a slightly cheaper tattoo, apprentices are a good shout, as they usually charge slightly less, though in Polly’s case are equally as skilled at what they do; you’re also helping them build their portfolio so it’s a win-win situation for both you and the tattoo artist. That being said, make sure you do your research and get someone who’s good at the style you’re looking for before you commit. Instagram is often your best bet, and if not, tattoo shops often have websites with photo galleries showcasing each artist’s work. It might take you a while to find what you’re looking for but you really can’t compromise when you’re talking about something that’s probably going to be on your body forever. NBD. I got the mermaid as a nod to both growing up by the sea and how much I loved to swim when I was younger. I feel like I’m going to end up saying this far too many times but she’s one of my favourites.

COST: £60

PAIN: 8/10

I also got the other 3 tattoos on my upper right arm during this time. Bianca did the satanic kitty (can’t find the source of the tattoo it was based on! again, if anyone does lmk!), because of course I had to have a cat tattoo, and that was around £50 and a 3/10 on the pain scale. The two shells, which again are a reminder of where I grew up, were done by Terry Weeks (terryweekstattoo on Instagram) and cost £70 for both. I’d give them a 2/10 for pain.

Next were my knee and calf tattoo in February of this year, for which I went back to Matt Cassy:

He did the two of them for £140 and it took around 3 hours. Palm trees always remind me of California which I absolutely love, and the spider’s web was kinda just because...spooky, ya know? Honestly, I hate spiders and I equally hate that it gave the old man on the bus the inspiration to make the joke (imagine this being said in a strong Dorset accent) “you’ve got ae spiderr on yerr leg” at me that one time on the bus. Plus, I’d give my knee tattoo a strong 9/10 for pain. Realistically, it probably wasn’t any more painful than the inner upper arm tattoos but you have the added burden of suppressing your reflexes; when somebody is carving into the skin on your leg, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that your knee jerk reaction is to...well, kick that person in the face. Or away from you at least. I also got the elbow pit tattoo on my left arm from Bianca around this time for £160. 8/10 for pain on that one.

And then, there was the 10/10 in March. The things I do for Miss Lana Del fucking Rey.

Because the Just Ride tattoo above my knees HURT. I wasn’t expecting it at all but BLOODY HELL. My tattoo artist actually had to get the numbing spray out for this one. It was, again, the combined effect of it being on top of muscle and the need to resist my reflexes so that I didn’t flinch, which clearly I didn’t do a very good job at, hence the spray. I think my reaction at the time was kind of, what the fuck, has this stuff always existed? But the more you can put off asking for the spray, the better, because used in large quantities it can be pretty dangerous. This was the only tattoo I felt I did need it for because I literally couldn’t sit still and there was a risk of me jogging the tattoo artist, Megan, the amazing @bunnystattoos on Instagram. Her stuff is adorable and she has such a strong vision and brand and if I was going to get another, I’d love to just give her a starting point and see where she’d take it from there. Like, I’m not a Star Wars fan but LOOK at this set she designed for someone else:

I also got my Dream On tattoo with her in the same session and in total she charged me £110 for both which is pretty reasonable considering how in demand she is (and how much of a total baby I was about the Just Ride tattoo). I chose lyrics from Ride because lyrically, it’s probably one of my favourite songs of hers, plus the opening 30 seconds are pure magic.

Megan also did the linework orchid lady on the back of my arm around the same time:

I suppose you could say this is my most “meaningful” tattoo, because it was inspired by something my care-coordinator said to me about my diagnosis of BPD. In amongst all the other less than complimentary comments, she told me that it just means we need a little more care and sensitivity than others, like orchids do in comparison to other flowers, but that that doesn’t make us any less deserving of care or less beautiful. Basically, in the right circumstances, we can bloom too. And I liked that.

This one cost £80 and was about a 3/10 for pain. I can’t find any photos of the tattoo it was based on so for the millionth time, if you do know, hmu.

From April-May I got a shitload of tattoos and to be honest, I can’t really remember what order it was in so I’m going to group them into artists. First, the ones I got from Polly:

The anatomical heart I got in March and was based on this tattoo by Harry Plane (@harry.plane on Instagram):

COST: £50

PAIN: 7/10

And the sun and moon kissing was also around £50. 2/10 for pain.

Bianca did a few for me too, starting with the floral design on my lower left arm around March, which was probably my biggest piece yet:

The floral piece started off as a 4/10 though it creeped up to a 6 the closer it got to my wrist. Going over raised scars is also slightly more painful, something to bear in mind. Along with the Keep It Cute tattoo (6/10) on my wrist:

It came to £180.

Bianca also did the linework of my favourite GIF, like, ever.

Yes, it’s Go Go Yubari from Kill Bill about to try and maim The Bride, who don’t get me wrong I am perennially rooting for, but come on. It’s an iconic moment in film history Once Upon a Time in Hollywood wishes it could replicate. 4/10 for pain due to it being over scarring, otherwise we’re talking about the kind of placement that’s a reliable 2/10. I also got wrapped into the whole renaissance inspired trend and got Bianca to do me a little cherub gap filler based on this flash sheet I found on Google Images (link to the image found here https://creativemarket.com/Sonulkaster/280110-Angels-and-Cupids-collection.?utm_source=Pinterest&utm_medium=CM):

I suggested the cigarette as a cheeky little addition, lol! I’d give it a 5/10 for pain, being close to the inside of my arm n all and it set me back around £40. Unfortunately, I don’t have any great quality photos of it that I haven’t already used in the post but here’s one where you can see it a little bit (idk why my hair looks so brown and basically my natural colour in this photo but I DO NOT APPROVE, it is not at all fitting with my wannabe mildly goth aesthetic):

Finally, we have my last 2 tattoos.

See, getting my finger tattoos done was an absolute necessity before I went inter-railing and not because I’m an over-dramatic bitch who wanted a little something to make my multitude of me-holding-food photos more aesthetically pleasing (though of course it helped on that count), but because I made the fucking huge mistake of trying to stick and poke them myself. To be fair, they weren’t THAT bad at first. Like I was pretty pleased with them. Buuuut they faded super quickly and I guess that’s the issue with stick and pokes, especially on your fingers, where even professional tattoos are a bit of a flight risk anyway. So, after having to go over them a million times and spilling Indian ink all over my laptop keyboard, I decided to admit defeat and get Bianca to go over them for me. It cost £30 and I’d only give it a 4/10 on the pain scale. After months of having to explain my shitty faded finger tattoos to everyone and convince far too many customers at work that they weren’t just drawn on with a sharpie, I’m finally happy with them. Lesson learnt. Don’t stick and poke kids, especially not near your laptop.

Lastly is my “Wouldst Thou Like to Live Deliciously?” quote that Polly did for me:

The cost of this tattoo? £30. Having to explain to every person who hasn’t seen The VVitch what it actually says and then what it means too? Priceless. Hotel? Tri-

I joke. It’s actually very annoying having to explain what it says and vague what it means, not because I don’t EXACTLY know but also because I feel like a snobby film hoe (which is quite an accurate description of me) every time I do. The VVitch is super good, guys. Please watch if you’ve got the patience, it’s a slow burn.

Anyways, I hope anybody who read to the end enjoyed the post and found it informative! If you have any other tattoo questions, shoot me a message and I will definitely respond. I think one of the most common things I get is people saying they’re too indecisive to get a tattoo and that they want one, but are worried they’ll go off it. What I think is that once you get your first, getting a tattoo starts to feel like less of a momentous decision. Like there are tattoos I have that I probably wouldn’t get now but that doesn’t mean I regret them because, although it sounds cheesy, they sort of become a part of you and represent what you liked at the time. The more you have, the less significant one individual tattoo is. At the end of the day, are you ever going to regret getting a tiny rose? Worst case scenario, you can always get a cover up or if you’re brave and rich enough (lol), get laser removal. In terms of aftercare, I’ve always been kind of sloppy. Follow the instructions your tattoo artist gives you but also, if you don’t get time to moisturise them, it’s not the end of the world. TRY not to itch them but one tiny scratch isn’t going to permanently damage your tattoo.

One thing I will say, though, that’s probably kind of obvious to everyone but me (being the dumbass I am) is that you should NOT go in the sea right after getting a tattoo. It is literally the equivalent of pouring salt in an open wound and whilst it didn’t ruin my Lana, it really fucking stung for about 3 days afterwards. I’m an endless treasure chest of protips, didn’t you know?

Thank you for reading!

Lauren x

#tattoos #ink #lana del rey #lana #lana del rabies #inkaddict #tattoed girls #ewwhatacringeyhashtag #spooky #spoopy #personalstyle

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spirit-shroud · 5 years ago

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Ask meme time. Kein & Evie! 28. If they could have one wish, what would they wish for? 53. What is something that they want but can’t have? 67. What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile? 70. What do you, the creator of this OC, like most about them? 73. What attracts them to another person? 83. What is something that they are good at?

hi hi !! from this here ask

i have like. no real actual development on these goons outside of their dynamic, alignment, and appearances so please note i am making these up 100% on the spot and hoping that these qualities stick lol. also this got... lengthy fast.

28. If they could have one wish, what would they wish for? Evie: would probably wish for the ability to always have a potion that’d fix whatever ails someone on hand. halfly because he genuinely wants to help people, but also halfly because he just really wants to be needed by people. having a magic cure-all readily available for everyone would be his ultimate dream as an alchemist. Kein: Much simpler than Evie, would probably just wish for an instrument that he didn’t have to tune, just because he finds the tuning process annoying. it’s... definitely a wasted wish on his end, comparatively. 53. What is something that they want but can’t have? Evie: my boy just wants to feel like he has all the stability he’s built for himself. because like, yeah, he has a shop and a house and Kein and a future carved out for him, but he always feels like he’s trying to skate on thin ice. he knows he has a lot of things that people never will and he should be glad for it, but he just. doesn’t. there’s too much that can go wrong and rip him away from it all. even through his story arc where he literally saves the world and restores magic to it he returns home, getting hailed as a hero and panicking over when the next Bad Thing will be happening.

Kein: he wants to, in a similar vein, be able to like. be able to think about the future without feeling an immediate, overwhelming dread. like, it’s ultimately the result of his past that keeps him locked in place, but he feels like whenever he tries to do something about it, it’ll ultimately be pointless. so he just kinda lives in a cycle that he passes off as ‘living freely’ when he’s really just. outrunning demons tbh

even tho they’re both heroes they got like. issues that need much more than a death defying quest to properly work through. maybe i should give their world proper therapists lol 67. What is something that is simple, but always makes them smile? Evie: is a huge slut for having permanence in other people’s lives, so like. if you tell him you thought of him while doing something, he’ll like. think about that association for weeks. which is especially true if he’s given flowers or a song or offered some misc ingredients for his shop.

Kein: same as evie tbh, like, if someone tells him they got reminded of him for something he’d just. die on the spot out of Feelings Overload bc he’s gay and dramatic

70. What do you, the creator of this OC, like most about them? they’re both me !!!

i have a p hard time with feeling like i’m pretty split up, like, i just have so many interests and things i love and so many wildly contrasting Things about me that it’s much easier to process these feelings of contradiction as two people --

Evie is optimistic, cozy, an attention-seeker, and genuinely wants to trust people even though he’s always let down by them. he thinks that as long as he puts good things into the world, it’ll always give him good things back. he’s childish and gentle and has a lot of anxiety when it comes to things that are out of his routine. he’s lawful good to the extreme. a lot of his traits and mannerisms are derived from my experiences with being autistic/having anxiety/being raised in a negligent household.

Kein, on the flipside, is equal parts the opposite and the same -- he calls himself a ‘realist’ but he has a difficult time seeing the bright side. he views the world through the lens that it’s out to get him. he pushes people away because, to him, only bad things follow after him and he’s afraid of weighing people down. besides, to him, it’s the end times. nothing really matters, so why he should he bother thinking about what’s coming next? there is no ‘next.’ he’s derived from depression, having cfs/chronic pain, and ptsd.

they slowly realize over the course of their arc that they do need each other to be whole and that they bounce off each other really well -- kein teaches evie he doesn’t have to be afraid of everything while helping him navigate the things that are harmful, and evie keeps kein sane by offering him an actual, tangible future and an opportunity to heal from what happened to him in the past.

73. What attracts them to another person? Evie: he wants to fix people. if someone is “broken” to him in the emotional sense, he’ll drop everything and wear himself thin trying to help that person become a better version of themself, even if he isn’t actually equipped to deal with that kind of emotional turmoil / responsibility.

Kein: has a tendency to just kinda... end up places, honestly. he doesn’t necessarily seek people out or even really do much socializing on his own unless it’s through music.

83. What is something that they are good at? Evie: aside from alchemy, evie is good at sewing, fortune telling, and gardening! he also has a great knowledge of edible wild plants!Kein: aside from playing the lute, kein is also pretty good at the harp, cooking, drawing, and pretty much any magic that lets him be as lazy as possible. he also has a great eye for fashion and colour !!

so yeah that’s the boys ™ !!! i’m really excited to actually like... work on their story and. y’kno. actually finish up their character sheets lol

#kc takes questions #kc talks bardlock

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daz4i · 6 years ago

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yknow i’m gonna keep rantin abt this bc i have juice in me

i don’t think skinny people realize how much it sucks to be fat

i spoke abt fashion earlier and well. the fashion industry is rigged against us. because we’re not meant to be seen! people don’t want to remember we exist!

buying clothes is a pain! there’s literally only one chain store in my entire country that sells clothes in my size, and they’re all really fucking ugly and meant for old ladies, mostly

that’s one of the reasons i can only wear graphic tees tbh. they’re the only thing i can find (usually in special stores for that or ordered online) that can fit me, will be comfortable, and also not look too bad

hoodies and other outwear and stuff? i have to buy online, usually about a few sizes more than might fit “just in case” because here they’re just not sold in my size at all! clothes that can look good in general just don’t ever get to my size tbh, even online

yknow, even if nice clothes were sold in my size, i’d probably not wear them bc like i said - we’re not meant to be seen. i’m not meant to draw looks. dressing nicely isn’t a thing i’m supposed to to. and if i did do that, i’d get mean comment, yknow? if i went in public with an outfit that draws attention, i guarantee you i’d get nasty comments about my weight.

not that i don’t get them already even when wearing bland shit, but that’s another topic lmao.

plus sized models are almost never truly fat. they’re curvy. plus sized men models are usually a bit chubby but even then, relatively flat stomaches (in comparison to their chests for example), nothing too extreme. fat girls who upload pics of them in nice outfits and get lots of love on social media? they’re all aesthetically pleasing girls, perfect fat girls. they still have the curvy body type that people like seeing, just a bit bigger. most fat people aren’t like that. you can barely see pictures of our bodies, because no one wants to see us, and that’s why we never show it.

and as i started saying earlier - going outside in general! that’s fucking terrifying to me as a fat person! i can vividly remember more than a few times people just told me gross shit over my weight - people i didn’t know, who just decided to tell me i’m fat/i should go on a diet when they saw me in public (or at school, and no, it wasn’t another student). i can’t go outside without thinking “someone is going to laugh at me because i’m fat. someone will call me out for that. someone is going to say a nasty comment”. i can’t afford to wear eye grabbing clothes, not money wise, but emotionall - because if i get people’s attention, i’ll also get bad people’s attention. but really, i don’t even need to wear unique stuff for that - it’s enough that i just exist and fatphobes will be sure to mention how gross my body is to them, whether i asked or not (spoiler alert, i never ask).

you may say “just lose weight” but it’s not easy!!!! i’ve always been fat! and i probably always will be! it’s genes, i’m guessing. really, even when i went on diets before, even when i was watching what i eat and did sports, nothing’s changed - it’s just my body. you know, when i did lose weight - about 20kg/44 lbs - nothing changed either? i went down one pants size. i still looked p much still very fat. so even if i go to a healthy weight, there’s a very good chance i’ll still look fat. also, just to be clear, i lost that weight because i couldn’t eat for about 2 months. not a very healthy way to diet, if you ask me, and yes i already gained them all back, p quickly actually, bc i wasn’t supposed to lose that weight in the first place, bc that’s my body! that’s how it looks and that’s how it is!

honestly the whole matter of losing weight is kinda fucked up too. you hear abt celebrities mention it recently, how they managed to get thin quickly by going on extreme diets that were super unhealthy and they also had personal trainers and were actually almost always hungry. and they usually don’t even start that fat either. imagine if the average fat person could even get access and afford the whole thing these celebrities have, it’d still take us months of this hell to actually be thin, which i imagine is.... not very healthy. honestly, usually when you see people lose a lot of weight in a few months, they usually only became fat in the first place p quickly too and didn’t start out as fat. if a person who has always been fat tried it, i don’t even think it’ll work. like i said about my own weight loss: my body gained this weight back super quickly, because that’s its natural form and what it’s supposed to be. maybe with an intense and strict diet for a few years i could manage to lose this much weight again. but why would i want to? especially since i have a good feeling that if i break this diet i’ll just gain it back too. and yeah, i probably would only go down by a size or two at best.

and!!! i’m not even THAT fat!!!! when i go to that chain store i mentioned earlier, i’m actually along the lower sizes they sell! if i wear the right clothes and hold myself properly and don’t try to do things like jump or w/e, i’m still fat but it’s not a thing people really notice unless they look for it, really. i can go up in sizes when shopping in online plus size shops if i want things to fit loosely. i have it easy. THAT’S easy. i can’t even imagine what it’s like to be fatter than i am, or have less ~aesthetically pleasing~ (in the eyes of skinny people) fat destribution than i do, but i’m guessing it’s even rougher tbh.

it sucks man! it fucking sucks ass! we’re not allowed to exist! we’re not allowed to be physically seen! we’re here to be a laughing stock or to be used as a bad example or to be a villain in a kids movie, and that’s it! skinny people don’t wanna see us unless it’s in a bad context! they hate us for existing! fat = bad is such a normalized idea that even when someone points out to anyone that they gained weight, not even in a malicious way, my blood literally runs cold. scenes in movies where to show how a character is doing bad they get fat (peter b parker in spiderverse, thor in endgame are just 2 examples i have in mind rn)? that’s another way to normalize this idea. skinny people can say they don’t mind fat, that they love ~girls with a little meat on the bone~, they can go years without saying anything directly fatshaming, but they still see stuff like that - heck, even create stuff like that - and don’t realize how damaging it is and how much it makes me and probably other fat people too not want to go outside even more. fatphobia is poison you don’t even notice is in you unless you’re fat too.

#rant #fatphobia //#this is..... long #i'm angry crying yeehaw !#if you actually read the whole thing please like? i wanna know heh #anyways i hate having a physical form. how's everyone doin tonight #long post #i hope the keep reading thing works :(

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cryptidofthekeys · 5 years ago

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All the writer asks!!!!!!

I’ve already answered the pen n paper one so I’ll leave that one out and answer the rest haha

ink: what do you do to “set the mood” when writing?

hmmm… well to usually set the mood would depend on the type of story I’m writing, if its horror/really angsty shit then I’m definitely going for dark themed music, if its something fluffy n cute- then im gonna go for some really happy upbeat music, so to set the mood- it’d usually depend on the genre

diary: how many pieces have you written that are just for you or will never see the light of day?

……Shhh… Let’s keep those my dirty little secret… (their not nsfw, thats not what I mean by that just to clarify)

journal: do you ever write just so you can enjoy something to read?

Hmm I guess I’ve done it once or twice before, but I dont do it too often-

novella: do you prefer to write short stories, one-shots, or entire novels?

I don’t think I’ve even came CLOSE to an entire novel but, I do a lot of short-stories and ESPECIALLY one-shots, im not very good at chapter based stories or anything

pulitzer: tell about/link a piece where you felt your writing was the best.

Ooooh fuck this is a tough one, Im too lazy to link it but- in my Yan!Henrik story there were some parts I ABSOLUTELY loved and felt were p damn good and in the werewolf story I wrote as well, some good parts in there too, but I definitely feel more fond over some of the scenes in the Yan!Hen story than any other one

genre: what genre do you prefer to write in?

Honestly, I’m pretty open to genres, like- fantasy, science-fiction, etc- the whole shabang- im not too picky bout any of them-

narrator: what pov do you like writing in best?

hmmm I guess like- wouldnt it technically be in third person with the way I write, for the reader its always You and or they, I always keep a story gender-neutral so that way all readers can be who they want to be in the stories, it can give them a better chance to imagine themselves in said position, now if i got a specific thing to do, male, female, non-binary, etc- then yeah I’d do that

backstory: how did you come to love writing?

That’s a- actually kinda simple tbh- its not an interesting story- At first I was actually unsure about it, but then- the more I wrote, the more I got super into it- It was just… super fun to me after I did it for awhile

time-lapse: how long have you been writing (as a hobby or for work)?

It’s a hobby for now, but I do wish I could open commissions- but hmm its been like, maybe 5-6 years by now, maybe even a bit longer

characterization: describe your favorite character(s) you’ve written.

You should know this for sure haha, my favorite characters to write with tho- I’ll just say who they are, all the septic egos p much except… im still not too confident with writing Angus yet, some of the Iplier egos, like the Jims, Harold, and Eric, and I’m trying to branch out to other fandoms, I like writing with David n Daniel, from the cc fandom, and I’m trying to work on Dream Daddy characters too, Joseph, Robert, Mary, etc- and then my own characters too- I dont write wiht them often but I try

carnegie: what authors and/or books/stories have inspired you to write or influenced your work?

hmmm… I get inspired fairly easily so it’d be hard for me to name anything like that off the top of my head tbh

faulkner: what tropes do you LOVE writing? which ones are your guilty pleasure?

…. Why not ALL the tropes? …okay maybe not ALL of them

o’connor: what tropes/genres do you dislike writing?

Eh, im a p open person to tropes/genres- I mean unless like a trope could count as in, like- “it was all a dream” or “you were the killer all along” or some shit like that, then that type of shit isnt REALLY my cup of tea

dickinson: what insecurities do you have about your own writing? what do you think you should improve on?

There’s a lotta things I think I could improve on, honestly… I think, its not a matter of insecurity really, more so like- no matter who you are, there’s always room for improvements, I think we all improve on things every day, writing, drawing, roleplaying, even simple things- after all, there’s nowhere to really go except forward in life, so I just tend to go with my own flow, and if I improve than I’m happy with that, if I dont? Welp, that just means I still have a bit to go-

playlist: what kind of music/songs help you write? do you have a writing playlist?

oh god I w i s h I was organized enough to fucking- have a writing playlist ashdjshfdsj, it just depends on my mood- sometimes I get distracted by songs tho-

record: have you written things based off of songs? do you like to?

…I wrote one, its a really old one and im not too proud of it, but, people like it apparently so I keep it up since it seems to make em happy and thats what matters in that regard, but nah im not BIG on writing things based off songs

nobel: have you published anything you’ve written? online or irl?

Hmmm not yet, I don’t think I’m ready to physically publish my stories or anything, although my dad does encourage it, he tells me I should find a publisher or whatever and publish some stories (it wouldnt be ones with like- characters from things like camp camp, dream daddy, etc of course- it’d be ones with my own characters)

notepad: can you write anywhere or do you have to be in a specific place and mood to write?

D e f i n i t e l y a specific place and mood, my mood’s totally off and wrong right now and its frustrating bc im trying to write but the body and brain is like no motherfucker, be in pain and hate me more than you already do

parchment: how often do you or your personal life influence your writing?

I dont… know if ANY of my personal life has… influenced my writing? not that I know of anyways

dedication: if you were to publish a book or multiple, who would you dedicate the book(s) to?

I think… I dont know who I’d dedicate the books too or anything-

trope: what’s a pet peeve you have about writing?

…honestly? The one pet peeve I, myself, have with writing is the I/Me POV- now of course its fine if others use it, it could be easier to them, or they simply like it a lot, but I myself, just- cant fucking s t a n d that type of pov

input: what’s something you hate that people say to you about writing/your writing?

Okay- I need to be honest here, bc I get a lot of them, when I constantly state that I only do one shots and not chapter stories but the whole “pls continue” “another part to this please” “Do more of this” that doesnt really make me wanna do more, it makes me wanna move on actually from any of that, like im not about that plz continue, do more!!! type of comments

critic: what’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received about writing?

Oh god I’ve received TONS of good advice from people, especially when it comes to some of the German I use for Henrik, I will admit… I’ve been severely slacking with learning my German, and I…. I deeply regret it tbh, but- I never mind and am actually grateful when someone corrects me when using a word incorrectly in a sentence or whatever

mifflin: what do you feel is your strong suit in writing?

A n g s t

houghton: what’s something you love that people compliment your pieces on?

I love all compliments tbh, I especially love comments on my angst like NO HOW DARE YOU OP, or OP wha t the f uck- my he a r t, or anything like that- …im a sadistic lil gremlin arent I? I love breakin hearts with angst, but like any compliments I receive on my stories are all greatly appreciated, I just most of the time I dont have the time to respond to them, BUT- I do read em, every last one of em-

#evantrash #writer asks

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