#tbh I was having a rough couple of days so this really came into my inbox at the right time lol thank you | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bronx-bomber87 · 10 months ago

Text

Hello my wonderful fandom :) Thank you for all your lovely comments on me being delayed. Not my usual M.O. but I definitely needed the extra time to process. I was GUTTED and absolutely wrecked. Poor D had to deal with my panic spiral for most of Wednesday. (love you lol) I'll be honest I'm still little shook up and sad. Kinda grateful for the 3 week break tbh between episodes. This was a gut punch I wasn't in the least expecting. Hoping we'll get a S7 announcement during this hiatus. *fingers crossed* Get it together ABC. This took me awhile to unpack emotionally so thank you all again for being so patient.

So I want to preface this post. There will be ZERO And I mean ZERO bashing of Tim in this review from me. Would appreciate that in comments as well. I love conversation you know I love comments. What I don't like is hate being spread. Also nothing on Eric either. I've also seen this which is utter madness. Don't touch our captain. Man loves this fandom so much. Deserves respect. If you came to this review for either of those things please promptly exit stage left. I mean that in the kindest way possible but I love Tim/Eric so it's a non starter with me.

I’ve never so deeply related with a character in all my life as I have with Tim Bradford. I’ll be dissecting this ep to best of my ability. I love both these characters so very much. Why I was knocked out for a couple days before could tackle this. I imagine my thoughts will change when I do my summer in depth one. When we have the rest of the season in pocket. I have to say this won't be mini at all. LOL So lets get rid of that concept right now ha I can't be mini with this ep. I am not brief so thanks for reading. Also hats off to Eric my god he was incredible in this episode. Melissa too killing me left, right and center you two. Let us get started.

6x06 Secret and Lies.

Poor Lucy looks like me when I’m stressed and drained af. Tamara asking how stressed she currently is? Lucy answering 19.....She looks like a 19 if not worse tbh. This is probably the most time they've spent apart since they got together. Basically living together at this point let's be honest. Other than 6x01 they haven't really spent time apart aside from that UC op in 5x21. *sigh*

Tamara asking if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy trying so hard to keep it together with her answer. My heart. What a wreck she is without Tim. Do love that we get to see her pin-up board btw. Good shot of her room we don’t usually get. That cupcake poster I love it so much. Although now it makes me sad...

Lucy asking what's wrong? Tamara telling her she wants to move out with some friends from school. Crap. Her moving is the last thing she needs…. But it's good for her even though the idea makes me sad. End of an era. Lucy is right she needs to live with people her own age. Doesn’t make it hurt less though. This is a ROUGH season for Lucy my god. The hits keep coming for our girl and I wanna hug her. Shield her somehow....

Lucy touching near her tattoo when she reaches Angela. (Mini gut punch.) I do love her coming to Angela about this. If there is anyone who knows Tim like she does it's Angela. Does help she finds his behavior alarming too. I mean of course she does. You can see the immediate worry. The empathy she has for Lucy is there but she holds her cards close in her advice. Telling her to trust him even though it's literally killing her. Not the council Lucy needed to hear or was looking for.

Lucy wanted more action than 'Just wait and trust him.' She has been trusting him but she’s so insanely worried. Going out of her mind with anxiety for her person. It's exuding out of of her and she looks like she wants to cry…Ugh me too Lucy. I’m an empath and an anxious one at that. I would be going out of my mind too…. Angela looks worried as hell though. Even though she isn't conveying that to Lucy at this point. Breaking my heart as she takes off from their convo. Because if she doesn't she'll lose it right then and there.

God I love Angela Lopez. First off well done on tracking him down. She's just a bad ass. I mean it's one of the reason's Lucy reached out to her tbh. Just gets into his car, drinking his soda, calling him out right away. I love her reasoning saying she can live off Wesley’s trust fund. Lmao. Doesn’t matter as much if she get's fired. 'Wine o'clock.' for her. Gotta love the confidence. I truly hope we get more Tim/Angela scenes the rest of this season. I always adore their dynamic.

Tim is sold on her reasoning and starts to explain the current situation he's trapped in. Angela taking it all in and assessing everything as he explains. Once Tim has succinctly summed up his current predicament Angela's reply is the best. 'I’m in.' lmao I love this woman. ‘I got your back boo.’ That she does. In more ways than he even realizes at this point.

Gotta commend Angela calling him out for walking away from Lucy. Not only that but his job to arrest a guy hasn’t thought of in a decade…. Ain’t no one better than her to be there to call him out his crap right now. Not only that but to really dig deep. To know this is far more than what he's sharing. This is why Angela is an incredible detective rooting things out like this. Saying this is more than just protecting Lucy. Her intuition is out of this world.

I mean she's not wrong. Lucy would understand if it was just about the benefits. She would be proud really. Thing is it's about protecting himself too. Which really just scratches the surface of why he is doing this. Tim knows he's caught even if he shrugs it off. She has him dead to rights and he knows it. 'I’m your BFF. I know you.' Ha it’s true whether you like it or not Timothy…Just like Lucy she has your number.

Angela giving him crap with how they're following Ray. Worried he isn't being smart about this. This is so unlike him to be this sloppy and unfocused. She was right he was tailing too close… Ray catches on to their tail quickly. When he scanned the vehicle made me so nervous. Doing it while he's taunting Tim. He's so detail oriented blows my mind Tim let that get by him. This SL gave me such MASSIVE anxiety as I watched it. Oh my lord.

The minute they get back to Angela's place she calls him out once again. Asking why he thinks this is ALL his fault? Tim shrugs it off and she refuses to take that as his final answer. Of course Angela was right there is far more to this story. Tim finally opens up to her about what happened. He had been leading his squadron for some time. Looking to move up to Sergeant.

The catch was he couldn’t be promoted if there was rampant criminality in his unit. Ray clearly was in the way of him moving up. Tim figured he could keep it within his unit if they went after him.. Oh Tim…. It was an unsanctioned mission too. Thinking if he could accomplish this would be easy fast track to his promotion.

Kills me to know he was there during the air strike ugh… Details missing from the last episode. The Humvee saved him and Mark but not his other men… I can't imagine what Tim felt in that moment. The immense amount of guilt laid on his soul from here on out. I mean it makes sense why he never left patrol before Lucy. The last time he tried to advance his career this happened. My broken boy.

Eric CRUSHES this scene. I wanna cry. My poor Timothy. He was more focused more on his career than his oath...Got two of his men killed. My damn heart. He’s so ashamed of himself. The way he points at himself when he says 'leadership.' I knew his military past would be dark but holy crap. I wanted more of his backstory and they delivered that in spades. What a gut punch this had to be for him. No doubt his men were loyal af to him. Would've followed him anywhere and did.

He carries leading those men to their deaths because they followed his leadership. Oof. That is quite the weight to keep on your soul. Also gives us insight to why he shoulders everything. Even when he doesn't have to. Punishing himself for past transgressions such as this. I'm sure when we get to the other side of this season, I will have an even deeper respect for the writers going into his backstory like this. Giving us even more insight to this man.

This hurts so good to get this kind of info. I have no doubt that’s why he shut Lucy out. The shame he feels is overwhelming. I totally get it. Nothing scarier than someone knowing your darkest secrets. Not only that but worrying they’ll think less of you due to it. Tim already struggles with self loathing. Been a theme for him his entire arc on this series. Something I've touched on a lot. This is truly bringing that to light in the most painful way.

We see Ray scanned Tim's car in order to gain access to it. To check his GPS to see where he's been. How he's been tracking him. When he scrolls down to Lucy's address. Made my stomach sink. Legit felt sick to my stomach....

I do love Lucy coming home and having Tamara there. Saying she ordered pizza for them. This is exactly what she needs. Do you really have to go Tamara? I wonder if she'll delay leaving now after this ep. There is a knock at the door and of course it's not the pizza. It's Ray. Hair's on the back of my neck stood up from the moment he entered that apt.

I know Melissa stated in her interview she was nervous about this scene. That she came off awkward in her anger. You are incorrect madam. Holy hell Lucy is a BAMF. Telling him the only call she's gonna make is for the ambulance. Because when she's done with him he's going to need it to wheel him out. Holds her ground like the confident bad ass we've all loved seeing her become.

Lucy calling him shaking and demanding where he was. Ooh lord hell fire coming with her through that front door. I love Angela grabbing Tamara to another room. Like let's go mom and dad are about to have a big blow out. Let's give them some space...

Tim asking if she's ok? Truly concerned but Lucy isn't having ANY of it. 'Do I look ok?' Damn no she doesn't....Ripping into him saying how that creep could've showed up when she wasn't there. Lucy is not wrong....Oh my lord I’ve never seen her so damn mad. She is RAGING at him and rightfully so. Her home was violated, Tamara was put in danger and threatened. All because Tim was trying to protect her. phew.

Tim FINALLY concedes to telling her something. It only seems to enrage her more. She is literally vibrating with anger in this scene with him. The more he tells her the more it doesn't explain why he left her in the dark. Lucy begging him to read her in. I mean she has earned that my love. ..Telling him to stop protecting her. Gah Tim is a deep loyalist who would protect anyone he loves even if it's not the right thing. His reply is a reflection of that.

'I can't. I won't.' He's so driven to keep her safe. His instinct is to protect her but doesn't see he's hurting her in the process. I knew she was going to be pissed he let Angela in and not her. But Tim was right she has a lot less to lose. Which doesn't seem pertinent in this moment...I do love her placing her hands on his when she also replies. 'I can't. I won't.'

Mirroring his words from moments ago. Just like he will never stop protecting her. Lucy will never stop fighting for him or longing to help him. That man is her entire world. The most important person in her life. It makes perfect sense she would help with this. Career be damned. I mean she risked her career to get him a shot at Metro. Of course she would do the same thing in order to shoulder his burden with him.

Love her standing her ground in this moment. Like damnit I love you and you are going to let me in. Whether you like it or not I am here and I'm going to help. If this wasn't a reflection of the communication problems that still painfully exist between them I don't know what is. I mean she tried to be patient and trust him. But honestly he needed this kick in the ass to let her in. Which is a problem. Lucy needs to be the first person he goes to. It shouldn't have to come to this. *sigh*

Their OP goes off without a hitch. Except Ray saying he was going to be an air strike on Tim's life.... God I had no idea as I was watching that scene how true it would be. Tim gets his interview and lies to protect Angela and Lucy. While keeping his own job intact as well. Also welcome back to Jackson’s dad. Hello there Percy. This is not how I wanted to see him again.

But he is IA him returning was never gonna be a good thing tbh in a post Jackson world. Regardless it was nice to see him again. The scene is Grey's office is ROUGH. Never seen Wade so disappointed in Tim. It hurts to watch. Just like this entire gut punch of an episode. Tim is just standing there in utter shame of everything. Ashamed Wade is looking at him like this.

Kills me Grey has to inform Pine of what he did. It makes sense he has to but damn that sucks. The amount of respect Tim has for Wade is immense. To watch him tear Tim apart and just stand there like a puppy being scolded hurts my soul. Especially when he tries to fight Pine knowing. Just dismissing him without further comment or argument...

So I will say this and it's not at all fair to Lucy that I thought this I'm sure. But I felt like if there was gonna be a breakup it would be coming from her. Not Tim in this moment. That's the part of this moment that really knocked the wind out of me. She had every damn right to be the one too btw. Instead she is there waiting for him with open arms. Honestly I took a breath for the first time this entire episode when she welcomed him in.

Wrapping him up in her arms. Encasing him, rubbing his back, her fingers in his hair. Gently cradling him against her. I thought ok maybe we'll be alright. Since Lucy isn't nearly as angry as she was earlier. Maybe they can get through this together. Cause she loved on him regardless of what happened. The unconditional love she has for this man blows me away. I honestly thought with her loving on him maybe they'd make it out. That they’d work through it together.

Tim looks so very defeated. On the verge of an actual breakdown as he explains that he lied about everything. Saying it saved his job...protected Angela and her. It doesn't seem like enough of a win to him. He looks so very destroyed and this is just the beginning of his downward spiral.

Lucy is doing everything to be his rock in this moment. To assuage him of his guilt… Most vulnerable ever seen Tim *pre tears*…. Lucy telling him it was an impossible situation. She would've done the same thing. It’s so very clear she was willing to work through this. To build them back to where they were before he got that phone call. Everything Lucy was in this scene represented her unconditional love for him. Tim is just too destroyed at the moment to see it….Also for him to accept it. It's so hard to truly accept unconditional love if you've never had it before. To truly trust in it.

Lucy is watching him spiral out of control. The way he's talking about himself with such loathing. How she never would've been in a place where she put her self interest over her team like him. She is trying her damndest to right his wrong. But Tim is having none of it. It pains me to see it... Pains Lucy too. It's the way she grabs onto him while he continues his verbal self flogging that get's me.

Trying to ground him in this moment with her touch. Bring him back to her. Something that has worked so well in the past. Sadly not having the intended affect this time around. Tim is too damn gone at this point. He feels he’s betrayed everything he thought he was. THOUGHT he was. *heart clutch* Tim has such a deep moral compass. That's why this is rocking him so very much. Ugh my heart. I too have a crazy deep moral compass. I can't say I wouldn't be spiraling out like him as well.

This was his greatest sin brought to light. To Tim exposing him for the fraud he feels he is. Him saying he's been lying to himself for a long time is a reflection of this. That imposter syndrome coming out real strong here. Something he buried deep down came rushing to the forefront and he is imploding. Says as much above. He no longer feels worthy to be in her life now. I get this anytime I screw up with a friend or my sister. I have this deep sense of shame attached to it. Like I no longer deserve that friend or my sister cause I messed up or if a past sin comes up. That they'll no longer love me or will forever look at me differently cause of it.

It's not logical but it's deeply ingrained from my mom shaming me for doing anything wrong growing up. As it is for Tim. His father literally beat the hell out of him for ever being out of line. He has suffered emotional and physical abuse. Unless confronted and treated comes out like this. Demons making their way to the surface. I was bawling by the time he said 'I'm sorry.' He’s never seen himself worthy of Lucy’s love that much has always been evident. But to see it this raw and visceral ripped my heart out. It’s on the ground where they're both standing.

I think this is something that has been brewing in the background for Tim for a long time. Now that I've had time away to decompress and think. I'm actually very excited they're tackling this. It's clear Tim is not in a place where he thinks he deserves her anymore. Low key never has been. He acts before he thinks. Eric had a great quote from his interview about Tim "He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through, and it can come out a bit too strong.” That is this decision in a nutshell. He feels he is a burden therefore he is removing himself without thinking it through. The regret that is going to come with this is going to be immense for him.

'You deserve so much better.' Better than me basically. He feels immense shame and that shame is launching him away from her. You know I learned something in therapy about this. About not being perfect and feeling like I'm too much. i.e. a burden. My therapist told me and it made me cry. 'You are worthy of the space you take up in people's lives. They want you there.' Tim does not think he is worthy of the space he is taking up in Lucy's life now. All his sins on the table laid out for her to see. He can't handle it. That much is very clear here. I will say I haven’t let a ship hurt me like this in a long time.

This absolutely crushed me. I couldn't even fathom assembling my thoughts. Cut me very deep. Been with this ship since day one. Also what a crushing blow this is for Lucy. Our poor girl. I mean she gave everything to this relationship. I mean EVERYTHING. She was all in from the moment Tim said ‘Unless it is.’ This was her first real relationship. First real leap into being serious. Thinking about marriage and kids. She gave her all to Tim my god. Her career took a hit for him and she never complained. Knew he was worth it (he still is btw) Fought every step of the way for him. For them.

When he was pulling back above it was an absolute panic for her. She could see him slipping through her fingers. Idk what broke my heart more Tim thinking he’s not worthy of her any longer or her begging him not to do this. She literally can't fathom how he can let go of her like this. Thought she was his person. Tim feels he’s gone back to who he was pre-Lucy and that scares him. He feels undeserving of the love she has to give him. Lucy knows everything and in his mind he can’t imagine her still loving him.

Lucy was as we all were in this scene. In disbelief... Even though Tim put her though absolute hell she was still there to comfort and support him. Because to her he is worth it even in the hard times. We all know Tim isn’t the best with his emotions. In his trauma damaged brain he thinks he’s doing the right thing here. That he’s radioactive, she deserves better than being around him and his reckless behavior.

The kiss on her head. Lucy trying to physically push away his rejection. Stomping all over my damn heart...However this ends up playing out Tim is going to have to address his emotional instability. How he charges forward and doesn’t think things through. Ruled by his emotions in the worst way. He’s impulsive and he’s gonna have to fight to get her back when he’s in a better mindset. Her trust has been obliterated by this. She fought and clawed for them and this was her reward. He’s gonna have to do some serious healing to get back to her. Lucy has loved him the best she can but he needs to put in some work now. We see next ep he's meeting with Aaron's therapist. Don't love that but I’ve wanted Tim to go to therapy for years. He needs this. Therapy doesn’t work unless you put the effort in though.

That will be a challenge for him. When I get out of the purview of this hurt I’m feeling...I’m actually going to be really impressed and happy they had Tim go through this. Do I think this is the end of them? No I think this is some serious growing pains. It was issues that have been percolating since Lucy did that 5 player trade. Hell probably back in 5x12 when Tim sacrificed himself without telling her so they could stay together. I still think that was romantic because of it's intended nature. BUT was the beginning of the communication problems. They’ve grown so very much in that regard. We’ve seen it but there is still work to be done on that front. It just came to a very gutting painful head.

I still have faith in the writers. I still have faith they’ll be ok. It might not be right away and I'm already feeling impatient tbh. But this is some serious realism being applied to them. It wasn't some random BS angst. Honestly we’re lucky our ship gets the most attention, the best SL’s and two people who LOVE these characters. They absolutely adore them and this ship. If you haven’t read Melissa and Eric’s interviews for this episode I highly recommend. This sucks right now. No two ways about it. But we will survive this storm. They’ll come out stronger than ever. Truly believe that. But for now let's rally around each other and get through this together. There will be brighter days ahead just doesn't feel like it right now. We got this.

~~~

Side notes non Chenford.

Do love Aaron working with Harper all if of all I cared about other than their SL in this one. Nolan's I fast forwarded which I normally don't do but I had no patience for his BS in this ep lol My anxiety was rampant in this ep and had no space for him.

Also RIP Metro Tim for the 6x07 promo. This hurts to see not just cause I enjoyed him in that outfit lol But to see his career take a nosedive like this. I wanted more Tim back story. Didn’t think would hurt like this though....Feel free to comment I love you all for any interaction I get with these. <3

#Caitlin mini reviews #chenford #s6 #the rookie 6x06 #6x06 Secret and Lies #otp: unless it is #otp: doing my job #the rookie #tim x lucy #tim bradford #lucy chen #lucy x tim #eric winter #melissa o'neil #tim bradford x lucy chen

53 notes · View notes

maddy-k-reads-all-day · 2 months ago

Text

My thoughts on Obsolete Meat.

You know what? After watching videos analyzing Obsolete Meat I find it funny that I avoided this song for a month because it sounded so much like Mesmerizer. I don't know why, but it kind of gave me an aversion to it? Like I love Mesmerizer, but I wanted something new. Which makes the fact that supposedly a lot of people think the song is about how pressured the artist feels that people might be expecting more "Mesmerizer-like" songs so funny to me. Because I was like: Oh not me. That's the last thing I want.

I feel like what made me fall in love with Vocaloid songs was that just by typing in "Vocaloid" in the search bar you could get SO many different songs that sounded nothing alike. Which... I kind of became less excited with Vocaloid when it went through it's "following popular music trends" phase. Like, not every song followed this there were still some artists old and new who did what they wanted. But they were so hard to find and felt drowned out by everything else (to me at least). All the new songs YouTube and Spotify were recommending all sounded the same. So when unique songs like "Dizzy Paranoia Girl" "Magical Cure Love Shot" and then "Mesmerizer" were showing up in my feed and gaining popularity- I was STOKED. But my worry was that rather than going back to "everyone does their own thing and makes unique and interesting songs unlike anything you have ever heard before" it was just going to change to a new trend. Which it didn't and I'm so happy that Vocaloid is making a comeback in the public eye (at least it seems that way).

That said, I still added Obsolete Meat to my Spotify with the intent to listen to it fully eventually. Which I did the other day and then today looked into the lyrics. It was a good song and I had a feeling it would be. Honestly, every time I want to listen to a new vocaloid song I for some reason always avoid it for the LONGEST time before listening to it for some reason. Idk why I do that tbh. I mean, even if 32ki continued to make Mesmerizer-themed songs I'd still enjoy them. I was just worried that with Mesmerizer's success we'd be going from one style of music used by most artists to another.

The point I wanted to dive into with this post is I am so happy someone made a song about this. Omg. Because the past couple months I've been feeling something very similar. (As in, the pressure to continue doing what people like to see vs what you enjoy). You see, when Amanda the Adventurer 2 came out um... I was obsessed. As I've always been in this series and as one does I made a bunch of fan-content. Fanart, an animatic, gaming livestreams, I even got into writing fanfic. And... between tumblr and my YouTube channel... um my Amanda the Adventurer content did way way better than anything else I ever did. And while I've been enjoying making this stuff during the hyperfixation... as it dies down I myself wondering what I was to do next. Especially on YouTube where my mascot horror gaming content got quite a bit of attention between Amanda and Indigo Park and I wondered: Is this just going to have to be my brand now? Which... other than Amanda the Adventurer, Error this save file is abandoned, and Indigo Park I have NO interest in indie horror so um... that would be a little oopsie.

This anxiety is further pushed when I posted some OC content that I worked REALLY hard on to get... very little reception. Which really disheartened me. I loved that people loved my fanworks but... my original stuff was getting so little attention in comparison and I know original stuff always gets less attention but like it was hard to shake that feeling that people didn't care about my work. My work that I genuinely love with all my heart more than any piece of media I enjoy. And for a bit of time I felt kind of selfish for thinking that. Then two things happened. One: My rough animatic I made recently has been doing REALLY well on my channel. Two: Reading into the meaning of this song and realizing that someone else felt this way too (even if on a MUCH larger scale).

At the end of the day I knew deep down that even if no one cared about the things I loved to make, I would continue making them anyway. *shrugs* But like, I guess it just felt nice to see I wasn't alone in feeling like no one would care about the other stuff I make.

In the end, I think this song might just place higher in my heart then Mesmerizer. Just because it encapsulates everything I love about Vocaloid. The uniqueness in every artists style and the topics they cover in their songs. And how it always manages to touch your heart.

I'd apologize for the long rant post but if I was actually sorry I simply wouldn't post it so I won't.

IDK the main reason I wrote this is just in case someone else felt this way too ig? And it really does need to be talked about more.

#maddykwrites #mesmerizer #obsolete meat #miku hatsune #hatsune miku #vocaloid #kasane teto #teto kasane #vocal synth #fandom #maddykpost

11 notes · View notes

spurgie-cousin · 8 months ago

Note

Hi spurgie. I don't know if you remember me, but I was the anon from 2 years ago who had their first kiss at 25 and subsequently started dating him after. Well, last night he broke up with me, and I just don't know what to do. I feel like it came out of nowhere, but he feels he drifted too far apart from me. This was my first relationship, and it might sound naive but I truly thought it was forever. I know I shouldn't but I feel stupid to think someone could love me for the rest of my life. I still love him so much. What's worse is he was so kind and gentle about it. I wish he wasn't such a great person. I wish I could hate him but I don't. We still wanna be friends, and we share the same friend group, but it's gonna be really hard. I don't want him out of my life but I'm really hurting right now. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope that we might get back together in the future, but right now I can't see myself with anyone else (again, naive, I know). Sorry for the ramble, I just don't know who to turn to, and you've always been so kind.

Aw well first, I'm so sorry ❤️ breakups are always hard but the first one always hurts especially bad. I can't emphasize enough how normal those feelings you've described are though, they're not naive at all. Thinking about past breakups I've been through or sat with others through, it's big grief for a while, combined with that hopeless "I don't ever want to be with anyone else/no one else will ever be as good as them" feeling, combined with fighting the adjustment to someone's role in your life changing, and it can be a rough ride ngl. I know that sounds daunting, but it did help me a little in the moment to know many, many other people have felt exactly how I felt at the time bc when you're in the thick of it, it can feel very lonely and isolating, so I mention it just in case it's also helpful for you to know that.

My best advice for the first couple of days is just to ride it out and feel whatever it is your feeling at the moment, because it is kind of a grieving process and like grieving you need to get the big feelings out to be able to process it. Keeping your mind busy is also really helpful, it's ok to wallow for a while but if you get the chance to do something pleasant, or even just sit with someone instead of being alone, I found that super helpful. My last big breakup I spent a full 2 weeks at my parents house and in my free time I just sat with them (and cried on them lol a LOT) watched movies, played board games, etc. Even just having a conversation on the phone when the feelings start bubbling up again can be very cathartic.

Right now it might feel like you will never feel better, or never find anyone again (or want to), but that's just part of the grief and as impossible as it might sound, that starts to fade faster than you think it will. I know you mentioned you want to stay friends and I don't think that's impossible but it's probably a good idea to avoid seeing them just for the time being, because that can be like picking at a scab on a healing wound y'know? It can be confusing and stressful and hinder the healing process, at least in my experience. Same for communicating.

But yea I promise it gets better ❤️ this relationship not working out does not mean you are impossible to love forever at all, it just means that this wasn't the right person to do it, most of us just need to do some trial and error before we find that person. And tbh I think people who have been through trial and error can ultimately end up in healthier relationships, because experience makes you learn more about yourself/what you are looking for in a person. Be kind to yourself for now ❤️ this too shall pass, it will be ok.

#advice #one time in college my best friend got dumped by this guy who was the biggest douche bag i hated him so much and she was devastated #she cried in my car for like two straight hours after it happened and to make her feel better i took a bag of our room mates cats poop from #the litter box and drove to his apt and left it on his welcome mat #this was before ring cameras were big 😏

7 notes · View notes

celestie0 · 2 months ago

Note

hi ellie!! just wanted to let you know that you are such an amazing writer :)) the way you you write your dialogue and describe the subtle details is so realistic and well-written and easy to process (the tiktok brainrot is getting to me) so it’s always super nice reading your fics. i dont know if anyone has asked you this before, but what is the process like for you when you write a new chapter? like starting to posting ig? anyways, i hope you have a nice night and hope med school is going well for you 😁 also i want to give ihm gojo the MESSIEST sloppy toppy and maybe you too cuz of how amazing your writing is 🤔

hi darling! you're so cute lol thank you for the sweet ask <3 i'm so happy you like the subtle details n stuff. n HAHHA i mean that's partially because i've never really had a large vocabulary or profound way to put things into words xd i think of my writing as kinda "conversational" expression, even in narration, and by proxy i think it ends up being a little easier to follow for that reason

ouuu interesting question! i believe i may have answered a similar question in the past but tbh my writing process changed all the time lol, so sure i can explain a little bit

so for both kickoff and ihm, i have "idea" docs that are basically just splurges of a bunch of dialogue and random exposition and transition notes etc that kinda make up the "skeleton" of the chapters. these are just a dump of notes that i jotted down as random ideas came to me in the form of intrusive thoughts throughout the day LOL. so what i do from there is copy and paste however much of those notes i want to include in a chapter into a separate doc, and then open a fresh new one, and i kinda...write the chapter while cross-referencing my rough notes! sometimes the rough notes are really detailed and written out well enough to where i'm literally just copy pasting, and others are kinda vague so i have to do the work of filling things in, but it reaaaallyyy helps having those notes to jump off of because it helps me frame the whole chapter as this start to end narrative that kinda connects rather than just raw dogging everything lolol. sometimes i do have to raw dog certain scenes bc i don't have notes for them, or if some idea comes up while i'm writing, then i'll include that scene, but yeah i think all in all i'm usually working with some form of notes to get chapters started

the editing process is largely a mental thing for me, like learning to trust my writing and my ideas and my execution of what i had planned. i kinda get in the headspace of the story and see wherever i can add some new things or where i can clear things up and make it make sense. and then i read it a couple more times for grammar errors n stuff, and then i post!

but yeahh i hope this answers :)

#asks

4 notes · View notes

cookinguptales · 3 months ago

Note

i spent several hours the other day reading through all your old karabita fics to relive the magic and i just have to say, they fucking rule. my personal favorites are the flower shop au and the werewolf au, but special mention has to be made because you are the author of one of the only two good hanahaki fics i've ever read (hanahaki plots have a lot of inherent pitfalls that are very hard to avoid). you and i both left the fandom when season 2 started up, but i'll never stop reading these tbh

Thank you, anon. ;; I've had a rough 24 hours and it was really nice to hear something like this.

The flower shop AU was one of my favorites, too! It was a spitefic, lmao. I saw someone saying that flower shop AUs are always bad and I wanted to see if I could prove them wrong haha. And obviously people's mileage may vary, but I thought it came out really well!

The werewolf one... might have been inspired by a werewolf outfit from one of the mobile games? I can't quite remember, but I remember that they had some really fun Halloween events. IIRC a lot of people did werewolf!kara after that and I wanted to join in the fun by making an incredibly stupid (but hopefully still sweet) werewolf AU. I'm really glad that you enjoyed it so much! I didn't know that anyone was placing it among their favorites.

And my secret for the hanahaki fic is... I mean. I actually also do not like hanahaki fics lmao. I wasn't familiar with the trope at all back then! Someone requested that I write it and I had to google what it was, haha. It wasn't really a trope that appealed to me, honestly, and I took some time to think about the best way to make it fit the characters. Karamatsu's cringe-ass melodrama saved the day. :')

I actually thought that no one was going to like it when I posted it. I felt like it was impossible to do such a soapy trope without going high on the melodrama, but I thought that would probably turn people off. I was shocked when it became probably my most popular fic in that fandom.

You really never know what's gonna hit quite right!

tbh I had a good time in Osomatsu-san fandom. The show had a good mixture of stupid and heartfelt in the first season that meant that I could write whatever dumb shit I wanted and it would feel IC, particularly AUs. The presence of canon (stupid) AUs made that aspect of fandom really fun.

It wasn't a perfect experience (I had a couple semi-stalking situations and there was a weirdly prevalent issue with artists doing fanart of my fic, the fic getting 3 notes on tumblr, the fanart getting 1000 notes, and people thinking that the artist made up the characters/ideas/dialogue instead of me) but it was good, dopey fun and I really enjoyed writing unhinged bullshit.

But then, yeah, s2 happened. lmao

Anyway, thanks again for all the kind words. It's really nice to know that people are still reading and enjoying those stories. ;;

#replies #praise #actually I still think that one of my favorite stories I ever wrote for that fandom was the kingdom hearts AU #but it had a limited audience for obvious reasons hahaha

2 notes · View notes

utopianparadoxist · 2 years ago

Note

I've recently discovered that you've returned in all your glory, and I'm super glad to see it! Really delights me seeing you on my dash <33

My partner, however, scrolled through your blog maybe two minutes reading all your tags and went "damn. OD came back Punished™️ huh."

tbh like? Sort of, yeah, oD as a "person" (he was never really that, he was always sort of a performance I put on for the brand) is straight up dead, I've ego deathed out of being able to be that guy. The name will stick around on the youtube channel, but even there i'm planning character rebrands because doing anything else feels wrong.

but it was real life trauma shit from my parents that pushed me to the brink, not really anything online. The homophobic harassment I got from them over the last month or so pushed me back into being suicidal and also they called the cops on me and got me involuntarily thrown into a hospital i almost got choked to death in! Its been a rough rough fucking couple months, and for all the drama i've relatively spawned, it barely had anything to do with Homestuck.

Losing a lot of my social circle IN homestuck due to my trauma responses didnt help that but whatever, i made new friends pretty quick and feel like letting go of any sense of responsibility to protecting the image of WP or the Epilogues has freed me substantially to just be a fan and hang out trying to make shit. If anything, I feel free!

Especially since it resulted in me FINALLY divorcing my brains stupid twitter addiction and i was immediately rewarded for it with a vibrant new dirkjake and general mlm shipping scene on Tumblr, which honestly, is all I've ever wanted or needed from Homestuck.

I'm still pretty punished and will be until the day I get everything I want from this comic (canon dirkjake soulmate marriage) but that day's coming faster and faster and in the meantime i'm having more fun in this fandom than I have in years.

still, can't w8it.

#homophobia #choking #death tw #mortality tw #not sure how to tag this tbh #familial abuse #familial harrassment #passive homophobia

21 notes · View notes

petra-creat0r · 2 years ago

Text

Okay so the polls have determined I'm talking about LPS.

Tbh, I don't have a whole lot to talk about when it comes to my favorite little toys from the 2000s, especially since my collection is at home, but I do have a few things!

First is my favorites! Aka Creme (Angora Rabbit #2480) and Tytus! (Goat #1786). Creme I've had since I was a kid and was one of my first pets (along with the Rat #2481 she came with who I've since lost)

Them

There's also my girl, Sydney Petrovsky. I was gonna replace her before she quickly grew on me

Her neck spring or something is broke so her head sinks down, making her a little short and 9 year old me painted her with black oil paint that smugged her original markings a bit. All in all, she's a little roughed up but I say that adds to her character.

An example of how she should look is Sara, the replacement I forgot I ordered, who, while damaged, is still in a little better condition than Sydney.

Asides from my favs... I guess I gave Garrett, the pet I brought with me to work. Since my apron has a pocket, I've been bringing one of my pets with me every shift.

Gecko.

Edit: since this took me two days, Garrett was who I brought yesterday. Today was Alli

Honestly, LPS was one of my main hyperfixations as a kid. One of my mains before discovering Undertale and I frequented LPStube as much as I could back then. (Though oddly I never got into LPS Popular and still haven't watched it). I remember watching Cookieswirlc a good amount before they started making non LPS content. As well as a lot of skits and music videos. My friends and I would even make up a couple ourselves (though we didn't really have the resources to upload them, we could still record on my mom's camera and stuff.)

Because of this, I have a few old LPS series concepts. They're not all that good because I was like, nine. But I think it'd be interesting to revisit them sometime. The first series I can remember was Peter and Piper. Since I had a double of Monkey #485 (Likely because I somehow got one from my girlfriend considering she has one Squirrel #484 which came in a playset with the monkey).

The "plot" (if you could really call it that) of the series would be that the protagonist, Peter, played by one of the monkeys, had the power to... genderbend. Piper being his girl counterpart (played by the other monkey). Could I have executed this idea with just one monkey, likely. Was it a cringe idea especially considering modern times? Yes.

The other characters was a G4 Wolf (#3806) and a G3 Guinea Pig (#3299) who I don't recall the original names of, but whom I've since dubbed Lisa and Harvey. I also remember Lisa had ice powers, causing Harvey to sing Let It Go to annoy her. There was also something with the school mascot (because of course it was set at a high school) being a hybrid of a bunch of animals including like a tiger and a bear and a dragon I think.

I'm not sure how to adapt it, asides from probably making Peter a magical girl or something? (Also probably trans as I like that better than the gender bending thing)

The second show i had even less for. It was called Twins and stared Creme (my favorite Angora Rabbit from above) and another Angora I had at some point, a pink one with striped ears, #2132. (I've since lost this pet. Might've traded it with a friend)

It was about an evil mirror dimension. As a kid, I used to believe mirrors were actually viewing portals into other dimensions and the inhabitants were opposites of us or something. A pretty common trope but I think nine year old Lorrie actually believed it.

Tbh, the concept of the 2nd one would work better with doubles compared to Peter and Piper, which might be possible with just one pet.

Anyways, that's all I have on LPS for now, anyone has any questions about my thoughts on certain pets or even some series, then shoot me an ask.

#lps series #lps #littlest pet shop #rambles #lpstube

12 notes · View notes

akioukun · 1 year ago

Note

Ok so I wanted to dm you but I’m not confident enough to dm you yet (autism) so I’m just gonna yell into here and hope you see it.

Thank you so so much for your post about me yesterday. It came at such a needed time considering what was happening in my personal life and everything you said about me was so lovely I genuinely had to reread it a couple times for it to sink in (that and it was an illegally early time for me to be awake when I first saw it)

I’m not exaggerating when I say that looking at your art is one of the main things that kept me in the fandom earlier this year when I was really going through it and I admire you so much, seeing you say those things about me really means a lot, like genuinely. I’m not great with words at the best of times but I hope this comes off at the very least as sincere.

So yeah, I might dm you at some point to say a proper thank you but like, it really meant a lot to read that yk. Ty for being so nice to me.

Hey dude!

I’m so glad the post made it to you!!

Tbh I was just the conducting rod in all this, I would give all the appreciation to the community that dogpiled it with adoration and kind words. You gotta now how loved and appreciated you are Max seriously. You do a whole lot for this fandom with those positivity posts and your writing, and just looking at that post definitely is proof. I’m glad it was able to reach you at such a rough point in time rn (I reaaally hope you haven’t got covid, that shit sucks)

Ah god hearing that my silly little doodles had such an impact is kinda insane to hear, if a little bit of the happiness I get out of drawing spreads to even one person then I’m just so stoked. Its whats so awesome about this fandom, the circulation of ideas, people bringing new concepts to the table and everyone being able to celebrate these ideas and have them grow into bigger things.

I’m sorry this has come so late, moving my entire life from one city to another every few days takes up alot of my mental energy. But please don’t ever be afraid to chuck us a dm!

Remember your loved dude and you should absolutely treat yourself with the same kindness you give the rest of us ♥️♥️

#aki answers #harringrove #billy hargrove #stranger things #harringrove fandom positivity #harringrove fandom

7 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 7 months ago

Text

1889

Have you ever been on a laptop inside a vehicle? Plenty of times, but only just as long as my motion sickness would let me. I do it so I can get some work in, but not for very long.

While on the road, do you play any road games? We might have done so before but I don't remember what exactly we played. These days I like asking random, hypothetical questions – mostly directed to my dad so he doesn't feel sleepy on the road, but everyone's still invited to join in. Kind of like surveys lol so it's stuff like what would their last meal be, which actor they'd want to play them in a movie, etc.

Do you have a button up shirt? I have a couple.

Has there been a word you thought you were spelling correctly but then you find out that it isn’t? What was the word? So when I was very young and still learning English, all I had as practice was my dad's stack of cookbooks. The thing at the time was, I kept hearing "sorduh" "sordof" "sardof" in the American shows I'd watch and was desperate to find out what they were saying because I could make out everything else they were saying but.

Cut back to my dad's cookbooks; I was reading the opening essays and the recipes as I usually did...then I found it. Or at least I think I did. The word I came across was "sourdough" – and as a kid it made so much sense. It had the "sort" part, then I knew you say 'rough' with an f so I applied the same logic to dough, which became my "of." So for a while I thought sort of was spelled as sourdough, haha.

Do you have a garden in your backyard/front yard? It's not a garden but it's just a wide open space that we had paved. My dad uses it to play basketball; we'll also bring the dogs there to run around.

What color is your water tower in your city/town? It's either blue or white. I can't remember very well.

Have you ever picked apples before? Nope.

Are you scared of semi-trucks? Especially when you’re driving next to one? Tbh no not really. It's my mom who gets super tense lol.

Have you accidentally put lipgloss/lipstick on your teeth before? I don't think so. I don't wear much of either in the first place.

If you wear chapstick, do you have any special flavors or just the regular kind? I hate that I can't remember who but someone gifted me a green apple mint lip butter (is that the same thing?) for Christmas and I love it so much – the texture, the taste, the smell...it's lovely.

Do you think little babies look cute in overalls? Sure, they can.

Have you ever been to the site www.someecards.com? Doubt it.

Have you ever tried Crystal Lite? If so, what’s your favorite? I haven't the slightest clue what that is.

Have you ever had a dream that your teeth were falling out? I think at least once, then it never came again.

Have you ever went on www.dreammoods.com to interpret your dreams? Nope.

Do you own any pajama bottoms with a design on them? Explain what it is [or you can post a picture up if your heart desires to.] I mean, it has a purple plaid pattern but that's it.

Do you sometimes wonder how surveys were created in the first place? Was someone just so bored that they decided to ask someone random questions? Not how they came to be, but I'm constantly impressed at survey makers' creativity. Like how can there be thousands of these and yet the questions remain so random yet interesting? Thank you for all your work hehehe.

Do you like eating shrimp? It's not my favorite seafood and will 100% skip it if there are other options (not because I don't like how it tastes, but because it's the most ubiquitous seafood and at this point I'm a little tired of the taste haha), but yeah, sure. It's the best with butter and garlic.

Ever heard of Rochester, NY? Yes, but I wouldn't be able to tell you one thing about it.

Do you have a fence? We don't.

Do you have any signs on your bedroom door? I have a Do Not Enter sticker that my mom placed as a joke way way back when I was in my early teens.

If you have any pets, do you talk to them in a baby voice? I do.

Does your head hurt when you cry?: It does when the cry session gets really bad and when I have a lot going on in my head. But it's not an automatic thing.

Who was the last person to comfort you?: Trina.

Are you currently wearing any socks?: Nope.

What’s the closest thing to your right hand?: One of my sleeping bags.

When was the last time you made a wish?: My birthday.

Have you ever watched a foreign film with English subtitles?: I prefer to watch anything with subtitles.

When was the last time you wore athletic shorts?: High school, maybe? Playing table tennis.

Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place?: It's hard to put all your trust in it because the fact of the matter is you need to work towards it. But as long as I know that I do, it becomes easier a reality to think about.

What’s the closest transparent object to you?: I have a clear phone case in here somewhere.

What was the last thing you swallowed?: Coffee.

Do you like mayonnaise?: Love it. I just had it this morning with my breakfast.

Anyways… When was the last time you went out in the rain?: Last weekend when we were walking to the nearby theme park in Tagaytay for dinner, and it started to pour while we were on our way.

Have you ever seen a Tim Burton movie, like Coraline, 9, etc.?: No, not my film style of choice.

Do you keep 3D glasses after you’ve left the movie theatre?: I've only seen a 3D movie once and I'm pretty sure I didn't keep the glasses.

When was the last time you heard a British accent in person?: No clue. Maybe talking to my mom's bosses years ago? I definitely don't encounter it a lot. The most recent foreign accent I heard was Portuguese.

Who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you?: My brother.

Do you know what FTW stands for?: Yes.

When was the last time you went bowling?: Bowling...around six years ago? I think I had a bowling date with my ex. Haven't gone on one since.

Do you like cats?: Sure. We recently rescued a stray kitten that found its way to our garage. It's his 5th day with us and has been spoiled to hell and back so far.

Do you use aerosol hairspray? It’s bad for the environment, you know…: I don't use hairspray.

What was the last food you choked on?: I don't usually choke on food.

Who was the last person you disappointed?: Myself, maybe?

Do you really miss someone right now?: No.

Do you think anyone can really reach “Nirvana” at some point?: I don't believe in it, so I can't say for sure.

What’s the capital of the state you reside in?: We don't have states.

What is the last advice you gave someone?: I haven't had the chance to give advice lately. I listen more these days.

Do you ever dip your fingers in wet candle wax?: Once it warms up a little bit, yeah. Sometimes.

When was the last time you sweated really bad?: Two Saturdays ago in Da Nang. That heat was like no other...I found myself wishing I was back in the Philippines, and the weather as it is here is already terrible haha. There was barely anyone walking outside too, so I know it wasn't just us who felt how hot it was.

Do you write it, alot or a lot?: A lot, because that's how it's written.

Does it annoy you when people are always smiling and happy all the time?: Excessive cheeriness can be an off-putting kind of weird more than anything, but I don't mind it. It can be nice to see, especially if it's actually genuine.

What was the last rule you broke?: I can't remember tbh. I don't like doing that, haha.

Have you ever hazed someone or been hazed?: No and never to both.

Miley Cyrus rings your door bell, and asks for some shelter. You say..?: Sure, but why are you...here?

What would you say if someone called you at 3 am to have a casual convo?: Depends on who it is, aka I will ignore everyone except immediate family, Angela, Hans, or Reena.

Have you ever made a SERIOUS typo, and couldnt go back and change it?: Not that I can remember. One thing I'm proud of, at least, is that in my 4 years in PR I've never had any press release sent out to media that contained a typo.

Have you ever yelled at an authority figure?: Nope.

When was the last time you had to pee really badly?: Yesterday.

What was the last thing you regretted eating?: Dakgalbi kimbap. The restaurant it came from is my favorite for Korean food, but that kimbap has no reason to be as spicy as it was – and I can generally handle spice and love the Korean kind of spicy.

Have you ever met anyone famous?: Yes.

Do you like screamo music?: Nope.

Do you know anyone with some serious talent?: I know so many very talented people.

When was the last time you made fun of someone?: I can't really remember.

What was the last thing you yelled?: Probably my sister's name.

Whose bed did you wake up in this morning?: Mine.

Are you in a relationship?: No.

Have you ever skinny-dipped?: No thanks.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without sleeping?: Just a little over 24 hours.

Do you make a wish at 11:11?: Sometimes. Doing so has inner child healing properties for me, haha.

What’s the worst thing someone could ask you?: Something like if I could give up/trade my dogs for [X]. That, and any creepy and uninvited sexual advances.

What did your last text message say?: I can't recall and I can't be bothered to check because it might be related to work.

Who was it from?:

Do you like surprises?: Sure :) I don't get them a lot, so I do kind of feel special when someone organizes a surprise for me, no matter how simple it is.

What inspires you?: My goals to see BTS and make it to Wrestlemania, and the dogs. I also want to get my dad at least one of the cars on his life wishlist.

If you could go back in time, where would you go and why?: Any day with Kimi, so I can be with him again and hear his barks.

Are you proud of the person you’ve become?: I've definitely overcome a lot more than I ever expected to have to overcome in life, and I don't shy away from giving myself credit.

Have you ever tried weed?: Yes. In like vape format, whatever that's called. I mixed it with alcohol so it wasn't a very nice experience.

How important is music to you?: Not very much. It's great when I encounter lyrics that exactly match my current situation and emotions, but I mostly turn to music now for the production value/instrumentals or as background noise.

Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?: Not at all.

Do you care what other people think of you?: For like a second or two, then I try not to make it my problem.

What’s your biggest fear?: Death of loved ones.

When was the last time you received a compliment?: It's boringly about work, but I was just told how I deserve the role I'm currently in, and that if I ever feel insecure or think of the possibility of being resented by my teammates who've had the same longevity as I've had, I just need to remember that I was picked to be the one to move up for good reason and that it wasn't a decision taken lightly. It's more advice than anything else, really, but I'll also take it as a compliment.

What was that last thing you said out loud?: "LOVE YOU" I told my dogs as I went up the stairs after wishing them goodnight.

Do you have any regrets?: Of course. Nothing major that involves any life-ruining stuff, though.

Where were you at noon today?: I was at home, playing with the dogs.

Do you think someone’s thinking about you right now?: No.2

What’s on your mind right now?: The fact that it's Monday tomorrow...

How has your week been?: The last 7 days were a bit more tiring than usual since I was F2F for three consecutive days, and the commute for all those days were absolute pains in the ass. 2.5 hours from Rockwell to my village :(

My company did give us Friday to be our mental health break day, though, so I'm very grateful to get another 3-day weekend.

Have you ever thrown up becaue you were crying too much?: Once or twice, maybe?

How much effort did you put into your last relationship?: I could've taken it down a notch by like 300%, that's all I'll say.

Last thing to really piss you off?: That old lady who cut me off at the restroom yesterday.

Are you a patient person?: I am unless someone gives me a reason not to be.

Do you know anyone who’s taking drugs?: Nobody that I'm aware of, no.

Do you face your problems or run away from them?: I can do both.

What would you do if someone grabbed your ass?: Hopefully I'll be aware and alert enough to stab them in the face with my car keys.

I've been catcalled and whistled at and gawked at by men before, and the shittiest thing about these situations is that you think you'll always be brave and headstrong about it, then when they actually happen in real life you end up freezing up and only processing what just happened like 5 minutes later. And then regret the fact that you didn't fight back. And then get the lump in your throat from feeling violated or disrespected. So one of the top dream scenarios in my head is to actually get violent with the next man who does anything like this again to me.

Do you have impulse control?: Sure.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?: Many.

Are you gonna get married soon? Nope.

Would you ever get a significant other’s name tattooed on yourself? No. Initials would be cute, I guess, or maybe a cute inside reference like a plate of pizza or whatever; but not a full name.

Do you get shy around the guy/girl you like?: I don't like anyone.

What’s it like where you’re from?: I'll just describe Metro Manila since it's more known, I live next door to it anyway, and because my own city is mostly uneventful and residential.

Metro Manila can be great only if you're in the middle or upper class. Nightlife is alive and spread out in many different parts (BGC, Poblacion, Makati, Ortigas...list goes on), and if you're into culture and stuff there's a good mix of museums, musicals and concerts, and concept restaurants to visit any time, any day. We're fluent in English, so if you're a foreigner you will never have a problem communicating; our pronunciation is also quite clear compared to our Asian counterparts so comprehension won't be an issue for you.

On the contrary, life is brutal and unforgivingly so if you're from the working class. Many children still don't get to go to school, or, if they do, get subpar quality of education which can affect their chances of success because we place such a big and pressuring fucking deal on school; and half of Filipinos consider themselves food-insecure. If you've seen documentaries here and there you might be familiar with 'pagpag' and that's definitely a reality for the poorest of the poor.

Gap between rich and poor is glaring, and it's an all too common occurrence to have super exclusive villages with swanky houses that have swimming pools and their own massive golf course and country club to be situated quite literally next to informal settlers. A mutual problem we all share is the commute – trains can get crowded and aren't the most maintained; and even if you have your own car you need to mentally prepare yourself for a daily total commute time of anywhere between 2-5 hours. Salaries are also shit, which is why you'll find many Filipinos even from the middle class living with their families until well into their 20s and 30s.

Personality-wise, Filipinos especially those working in the business districts generally live a very fast-paced life, super workaholics and very serious – but across all classes and backgrounds, we still know how to have our fun :) The stereotype that we're hospitable is also very true. Social media plays a big role in our lives – to a fault. We know what's trending and stuff so we're very in-touch in that respect, but social media has also influenced national elections by giving birth to disinformation, troll farms, etc. We're known for our passionate fandoms, and a good, good portion of Filipinos are into at least one K – K-drama, K-pop, K-fashion, etc.

The Philippines in general remains, and I think will always remain, to have a tightly traditional culture. Fortunately if you're in any one of the more high-end spots like BGC the people are more modern-thinking so feel free to express yourself however you'd like.

What else...weather varies across hot, hotter, and hottest except from January-February when it can be much more forgiving. I think that's all I can think of right now. You've hit my culture-passionate bone with this q, so thanks!

Do you remember your dreams?: Only very occasionally.

Are you happier now, or 3 months ago?: Definitely happier now. I'd say 'at peace' is more apt, though.

Do you play video games?: Not at the moment but I am hooked to a phone game currently hah.

is there a song that when you hear it, it takes you back to a certain time?: Sure.

What’s your favorite movie?: Two for the Road.

is there someone of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?: Most things, but not everything.

Would you do anything on a dare?: Only if it's a harmless, stupid one. I won't do anything that like, disturbs my peace or contrasts with my values or anything heavy lol.

1 note · View note

psykoticrefuge · 2 years ago

Text

Trans stuff:

So my doc follows wpath standards and it's honestly frustrating. Cause when we started all this and grabbed my baseline hormone levels, I'm a heavy T producer. Not extremely high but we'll above the average for a cis male. I was a hairy boy, this made/makes sense.

I got my refill of sublinguals over a month ago and knew that we were gonna discuss injections this most recent appointment and so I changed it up how I was taking them. I added an extra pill in the middle of the night. Which brought me to 8mg a day, 2mg every 6 hours, and let me tell you.. I felt great.

Had a noticeable surge in breast tissue development, libido came back more (which helped with atrophy issues), and just mentally I was doing a LOT better. When we did blood work I didn't think far enough ahead to drop the 4th pill a couple days in advanced and so the levels were "high" and comment was made about that.

I do wanna pause and say, it's really hard to get a read from my doc. He's made some positive remarks about transition but also there is almost a layer of a condescending tone during appointments. My wife has gone with for in person visits and agrees it feels off.

Anyways, still got to go on injections (Yay!) and I know I'm not a doctor. But my organ function was perfect. Liver, kidneys, thyroid, heart, all that, was within the appropriate levels. So it makes sense to me that if my cis body is producing higher T then it would be more in line with its base functionality to have higher E as well. Anecdotal and blood evidence supported this. Wife says I was doing better and I felt better. As a severely traumatized AuDHDer this is rare for me. I've had depression/anxiety since my teens and am currently working through an incredibly rough burnout.

The point?

I wish transition stuff was more in the hands of the individuals rather than doctors. I'm thankful he's there to read and interpret my blood work results but it sucks that we have to fit ourselves into these standards of care rather than forge our own path. It's why I support DIY and truly believe that HRT should be over the counter. All of it. All. Of. It.

Because of money stuff I haven't been able to get my injections yet and the pharmacy said it's on backorder so that's been a fun scramble to try and find it. Because of this I'm still on my 6mg a day and just, I can feel it. I can feel that difference in me. My mood has been lower (lot of extenuating factors tbh) my drive has gone back down, and in general I feel.. worse. Not bad bad worse but, noticeable.

And I can't help but relate the whole thing to disability justice and the Healthcare for All fight. We may not be doctors but we live in our bodies every day and we know our bodies best. (Also neurodivergent justice, like it's just so connected! >.<) If a patient feels good/better and organ function levels reflect no worries, we should be able to have a say even if other levels are "outside standard deviation". We should have a say no matter what, but you get what I mean.

It makes me sad/mad that the Hirschfeld institute was destroyed and all that research with it. So much was lost. Most of our data on feminization comes from post menopausal cis women.. trans bodies are different! And being the target of the far right (more connectivity: also being disabled I'm a double target) it's just.. *sigh* this will turn into a completely different post if I continue this route.

HRT should be over the counter and medical patients deserve a greater say in their care. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. If you're cis, please think about what I've said when you vote or when you join us in the fight for liberation. Our struggles are not that far from each other.

Peace, Panache, and Pancakes,

Rivr

#trans #transgender #trans woman #hormone replacement therapy #trans rights #disabled #disability justice #lgbtqiia+#neurodivergent #trans stuff #universal healthcare #mtf #nonbinary #personal experience #trans pride #lgbtqiia+ pride #lgbt pride

11 notes · View notes

gaybd1 · 1 year ago

Note

How did that relationship with a mutual end?

okay sooo SUPER sorry if they end up finding this (they wont but still) and also im sure they NEVER think about it anymore but like i said this is tragically the only relationship i was in and i was SUPER in love lol

idk how much of this i shared before but im just gonna be super honest about it even if it makes me sound really bad but i was like... 21 at the time? lol

but here's the drama (be careful, it gets a little triggery with like. consent and stuff)

So I fell fast and hard in love, right. High school and college were SUPER rough for me so I think I was just glad to get attention from ANYONE even if it wasnt gonna be a perfect fit???

distance is never easy. from the getgo we lived like 5? hours away from each other and i was the only one driving (way too often) to go see them. i went like every weekend even though i had classes and homework and exams and stuff. My friends were telling me I was so dumb and I was like nooooo it's fine

ALSO okay so they were like in the middle of recovering from a major eating disorder and my friends were also like "hey this is like a bad time for you both to be doing a relationship then?" and i was like NAHHHHHH but also they were super private about it and it like never came up AT ALL and so

their dad made them move home like a month into our relationship so they could continue their recovery (totally fine and normal move right??) but i was like THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL and so i used a credit card to buy them a flight back over to spend a weekend with me ooooof

even then like there were some issues like it was the first time my friends met them and they were all "nah this sucks" and they were like super disrespectful to my friends and i just laughed it off

this is also the first time consent issues came into play like we LOVED making out lolllll but tbh it was all i was even interested in bc the medication ive been on my whole life kills my libido (this is WAY TMI IM SO SORRY) BUT we were messing around and they decided to give me a huge visible hickey in a place i had sAID i was totally uncool with

but it was totally fine right? because i loved them lollllllll

things were already also kind of weird here bc i was like "uh i think im a boy actually would u still love me" and they were like "i think im a girl actually but also a lesbian" and then we jUST KEPT MAKING OUT????

also they like... made me introduce them to my family??? when i was totally not ready for that and while we both IDed as nonbinary we definitely came across as a lesbian couple which i was NOT prepared to deal with my family about

i introduced them as a friend but they were super touchy and clingy and possessive and my mom was like 'oh so you're dating' and it was actually the worst most embarrassing thing ever

okay i know this is getting long but anyway they went back home again and heres where it gets REALLY spicy

im planning to present at this conference with my mom in another city and it's kind of a huge deal for us. i get a call from [ex] that their dad is going to [I don't remember the word for it but it's when you can legally send someone to a psych hospital against their will because it's for their own good] and MY DUMB ASS was like IT'S OKAY IM GOING TO BUY ANOTHER FLIGHT TO GET YOU OUT OF THE STATE AND COME HERE TO MY CONFERENCE

so lol that happened

we got a hotel that night! uhhhhhhh more MAJOR CONSENT ISSUES and tbh we're both at fault because i could have done a MUCH better job communicating what i was feeling but yeah basically Trauma happened to me

OKAY HERES THE KICKER. I THEN DRIVE THEM SIX HOURS TO ANOTHER CITY to fly out bc that's where they wanted to fly out from????

we said our 'i love you's and 'bye's

they called me THAT NIGHT and said 'hey lets take a break' and i NEVER HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN LMAOOOO

like was that probably the best thing for both of us YEAH but BOY i cried for days and i knew it was because of the sex lolllllll ANYWAY SO THERES THAT STORY

#quesTian #tian talks #WARNING this one is a WILD RIDE

1 note · View note

writerfae · 1 year ago

Note

Hi! I just remembered that you said Valentin was Talon's ex, and could I get more details on this?

Also, I wanted to ask what Aiden and Maya's friendsip is like because I know at least a little about Aiden's relationships with everyone else except her!

Hey there! It’s funny, I don’t even exactly remember how i came up with the thing with Talon and Valentin tbh, but I think it’s a neat little detail about Talon and the opportunity for jokes is too good to miss. And maybe I also wanted to state that Aiden is his type without saying it oops

Valentin is pretty much Talon’s ex-affair. They weren’t exactly dating, just flirting for fun and hooking up from time to time.

The two know each other from guard training (Val was in his third year when Talon was in his first). They are friends, if not really close ones (Talon insists they are mainly acquaintances) and they hang out with the same people.

Their whole *ahem* arrangement started on a night out with some other guards from their friend group when Talon was at the end of his second year in training.

Pretty much just your typical “hey we’re drunk and you’re attractive so let’s have some fun” kind of story.

And they came to the agreement to just keep having fun together, at least once in a while.

Valentin wasn’t looking for anything serious cause he’s in love with his childhood best friend, Talon didn’t want anything serious because he was afraid of attachment, so they were both fine with it

Now you might wonder why Talon did that. Truth is, he is just about as touch-starved as Aiden and Valentin was his type (brown-haired idiot) so that’s why. Also with Val in love with someone else there was a smaller risk of him wanting something serious with Talon.

They broke it off only a short time before the story starts, Talon actually encouraged Val to try and win over his crush. He was too busy for an affair anyway

Aiden and Maya are really cute together, they develop a very good friendship that I love to think about.

In the story Maya is a great support, she’s helping through small things. For example, she talks Talon into helping Aiden and helps him with his dream about the deer.

I think Aiden greatly appreciates her.

Right from the start Maya understands him in a way the other two don’t, since she too grew up in the human world and only later came to the other real.

She sympathizes with Aiden because of the strange situation he finds himself in. Plus, she likes him.

Aiden likes her right from the start too, because she’s nice and explains a lot about the realm to him. She grounds him a bit, you could say, cause she’s someone who knows how he feels.

The thing is that Maya actually grew up in Aiden’s neighborhood village and the two have actually met as children a couple times, though none of them remember it.

Aiden’s mother was one of Maya’s mom’s customers on the monthly market and Aiden sometimes accompanied her to her trips to the neighborhood village’s market.

So they have a mini past with each other, which is cute.

I can’t even quite explain why I do, but I feel like Aiden and Maya match the best personality-wise. I think they’ll become pretty close.

They seem like two people that can enjoy the other’s company without talking necessary, but who at the same time have great late night talks with each other.

I like to joke that Maya is at least a little in love with Aiden and I think she just might be, just more on the platonic level rather than a romantic one.

For Aiden she’s almost like a little sister, they have a very sibling like bond (though that’s mostly in my head, these relationships grow with time so idk how much of it is present in the story itself).

I hope that answered your questions ^^ I apologize for the late reply, this week is pretty rough. That only makes me more excited about getting asks from you though, cause those are always a nice surprise after a stressful day at work. So thanks for that! :)

#writer speaks #writeblr #wip: the knights of the alder

1 note · View note

beautifulterriblequeen · 2 years ago

Text

You get it, you see it.

Ruthari - and Tinkaan before it - had my whole heart from the start because they were an established queer couple. I'm queer, and I've been married for a really long time. How often have I seen this part of myself in media?

Almost never. And never like this. Never with the pure, casual acceptance of queerness and the sheer depth of emotion and family feels, where all the angst in their orbit spawns from other stresses - work, culture, history, personality - and it isn't allowed to even breathe on the dedication and affection they have for each other.

Runaan and Ethari love each other no matter what. They've clearly been through some Interesting Times together, and they're soft and patient and wholly devoted after everything so far. When your relationship is forged (and reforged) in fire and stress and trauma, it will either break, or it will be refined to something even purer. These steps are not swift nor easy to take. It kinda sucks tbh, getting through rough stuff. No matter where it came from. But it's easier with someone you trust at your side. And they have that.

They still have that.

After everything. They still have that.

That's when we meet them, when things are about to fall apart again. But they're calm and strong and determined. They've woken up every day together and chosen love.

And that's what we get to see. Choosing love, no matter what, and what that can do to a person, after years and years of it. How it makes them so strong, and so soft. How it makes them a team.

I do wonder sometimes what made me fall in love with ruthari as much as I did, instead of rayllum. I mean, they're pretty much background characters (at least at this stage) who had a grand total of 1 minute-long scene together in the show.

And yet I love them so much that I started drawing fanart, and not just my own stuff. Hell, I even started writing a few fanfics, which even a few months ago I had a very strong aversion to.

And I think, on top of loving them both as characters, with Ethari being second only to Amaya as my favourite, the main reason is that I find it very, very comforting.

Never before in a show aimed at kids have I seen a queer couple with so little screentime have such a beautiful, tender moment together. To be handled with so much care and love. Despite having only seen Ethari for like, a minute at that point, that episode absolutely broke me.

And reading bloodmoon huntress only solidified that. We got to see so much more of their dynamic, and the amount of softness and trust and understanding between them made me feel... so many emotions.

We've seen a lot of beginnings in the show. We saw the first meetings and initial difficulties that rayllum and janaya faced. And so, in stark contrast to that, we have ruthari. A firmly established couple, who've built a beautiful life together. Not without its flaws, admittedly - especially given where they are in canon right now - but there's something about seeing an adult queer couple living out that calm, loving existence that makes me melt every time I see it. Being queer myself, both janaya and ruthari are very special to me, but ruthari more so for that reason. The dragon prince really gave us that, and I'll treasure it forever.

So yeah, just a queer ramble from a queer soul. But who doesn't love a good ramble on this chaotic mess of a site? xD

#ruthari #i care them

135 notes · View notes

buckyshusband0 · 3 years ago

Text

ᴅᴇʟɪᴄᴀᴛᴇ ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴜʀᴇꜱ

Requested: Yes or No

Summary: When Sam had told Bucky about the amazing wonders of the internet, he didn’t expect to find something so pleasurable. Bucky Barnes so happens to come across your mature content, but there’s one problem. You’re his next-door neighbor...

Pairing: Neighbor!Bucky Barnes x Camboy!Male Reader

Word count: 5.7k+ // any mistakes I own

Warnings: +18, Fluff, Smut, slow burn(?), unprotected sex, breeding, sir/daddy kink, Bucky being shy and flustered around you (not really a warning tbh), praising, pet names (doll, baby boy), rough sex, recorded sex, bondage, mature themes.

A/N: Thought this was hot in my head and I was like “Hey, I can just write it.” So, this is it I guess? I have so many drafts worth of fics so y’all should be expecting more and more. Enjoy my loves!! Reblogs and comments are appreciated💙!!

₊˚ˑ༄ؘ MASTERLIST | TAGLIST

THE sound of light — but also heavy — knocks could be heard from Bucky Barnes’s apartment. Ever since the events of his best friend, Steve Rogers, leaving, he moved into a nice — homey — apartment.

Bucky turned away from the microwave, which was heating up his meal, with his icy blue eyes. He turned his attention to the wooden door, which was being struck with small knocks. His brows furrowed in confusion till he realized he had invited his good friend over.

Sam Wilson.

Sam had been there for Bucky 24 hours a day, seven days a week since Steve left for Peggy. He made it a priority to drop by whenever he could just to hang out with his best friend. They're inseparable.

Bucky picked up his feet from one spot to another until he made it to the wooden front door. He licked his dry pink lips before opening the door — which he was greeted by the view of Sam holding a bag of chips and some sauce. Bucky let out a small chuckle.

“Hey, Buck! I got us some chips & dip. Now let me in.” Sam urged the six-foot man who stood over him. Bucky shook his head and showed a grin before moving to the side to let Sam in his apartment.

When Sam entered the flat, he was met by the same apartment look that never appeared to change. On the floor, an old-fashioned rug was placed. In their own way, the paintings were somewhat beautiful. Then there was the manly odor that assaulted his senses.

Bucky closed the door shut with his huge hand on the knob. Connecting his blue eyes with his pal's brown eyes. Sam was not new, so he entered the nice living room and switched on the flat-screen television. Bucky, on the other hand, returned to his meal.

Sam let out a heavy-needed sigh from losing his patience. He got up from the dark grey couch and walked his way into the — small-like — kitchen. He raised his eyebrow at the view in front of him.

"Can you tell me what you're making?" The man who removed his dinner from his microwave was puzzled by Sam. He then laughed at the food that had been served. "Shut up..." Bucky mumbles.

After looking at the plate, Sam spoke up. "Is that the chicken alfredo my sister prepared two days ago?" Bucky remained deafeningly silent throughout the altercation. "Hey, man, I've figured it out! She's a fantastic cook!" Bucky's shoulder was slapped by Sam.

“Yeah, whatever.”

When Sam opened the fridge, he was met with the sight of — nearly nothing inside. He shook his head and let out a small chuckle. He returned to the living room with a couple of beers in his heavy hand.

As he carried the dish of food in his hand, Bucky let out a — heavy — sigh. He took a seat next to the brown-eyed man and looked at the television. Of course, it was a game of football. When it came to Sam and his football games, there was nothing new. "Can we watch something other than football?" Bucky decided to speak up.

Sam narrowed his eyes before letting out a deep grunt. He switched through every channel — which not to mention, they were all boring. After minutes of switching and switching, Sam’s eyes widen from an idea that sparked its way into his mind.

"Hey, I've got an idea." "Oh no, you having ideas is never a good thing." Bucky shook his head in the direction of Sam, who had just licked his lips. "It's not horrible at all. Consider it as assisting a friend in need." Sam made fun of him. Bucky nodded after rolling his eyes.

Sam could almost feel the excitement coursing through his blood. He grabbed the laptop from the desk and sat it down on the coffee table. “Since the last time you were really here, which was the 40s-” He was cut off by Bucky. “Are you calling me old?”

Sam looked puzzled before nodding. The blue-eyed man’s lips parted in shock, but he let Sam continue. “Back to what I was saying, I wanna show you a world full of imagination~” “Carry on....”

“It’s called the internet.”

Bucky pinched his brows at his hairline as he watched Sam's fingers type away on the computer. Sam exclaimed, "It has everything you could ever want." “Everything?” Sam smirked and nodded. "Yes, it has that-" Sam was interrupted by the sound of a man yelling.

He cocked his head from the — outrageously — loud man yelling. “Who the hell is that?” Sam murmured. Bucky shook his head before getting up from the couch. “I’m about to see...”

Bucky strode to the door, his heavy feet lifted from the floor. When he opened it, he saw an elderly man shouting at a boy who held a small frame. Bucky's breath became hitched from the boy's beauty for a brief second before returning to reality.

“Listen here, I don’t know who you think you are, but just because you’re new doesn’t mean you have the right to blast music!” The man with grey shrieks of hair hissed. You rolled your eyes, not really caring what he was saying towards you. ‘New my ass’ You think.

“Look, the music wasn’t even that loud. Is there anyone else complaining?” You moved your hands gesturing to the halls. Not seeing no one else except for a blue-eyed man who stood still.

As he got closer to you, the elder man let out a loud growl. His skunk radiates from his body and into your nose. You could have puked at that point, but you didn't. "I don't fucking-" The brown-haired man approached him to cut him off.

"Hey, hey. Let's take a deep breath and relax. Okay?" The words flowed easily from his mouth. His voice was deep, and goosebumps ran down your spine. Your (e/c) eyes met his cold blue ones.

“And who do you think you are?” The old man scoffed.

“I’m James. My brother so happens to be the man who runs this complex. So, if I were you,” He poked the man’s chest. “I would advise you to walk back into your apartment without any issues.”

Bucky lied.

Before walking back to his apartment, the elderly man gave you and Bucky a harsh scowl. "I'm curious as to what got his pants all twisted up." You laughed. Bucky's lips were slightly parted as he gazed at you. Not knowing what to say to a boy who is as attractive as you.

“I-I’m James. But you can call me Bucky.” “I know, you said your name to that guy~” You teased him. Bucky felt heat rush to his face as he felt — butterflies? Ever since recovering from his past. Bucky hasn’t had the heavenly feeling of butterflies since the 40s.

“Right, I apologize.”

Bucky would be lying if he said he remembered the sensation of butterflies. From seeing you, all that was left on his face was redness. Your sly grin made him feel something — something questionable.

"Well, I'm (y/n), Mr. James, it was a pleasure to meet you." As you walked back into your flat, you winked. Bucky was only able to see the wooden door. As he shook his head, a smile appeared on his face. The feeling of love consumed his stomach and warm veins.

“Someone’s got a crush...”

Sam’s manly voice ringed through Bucky’s ears. He rolled his eyes from annoyance and decided to speak up. “No... no, I don’t.” Bucky lied to himself. James Bucky Barnes definitely has a crush.

-- -- --- --- -- --

His thick fingers started to tremble.

As Bucky laid down in his — warm and comfortable — bed, with his laptop laying down on his thick thighs, his eyebrows furrow as his icy blue eyes inspects the bright laptop screen. Fingers became numb.

He started to question whether or not if — what he was thinking was really a good idea. Sam did tell him that the internet had EVERYTHING. So why not see if they have what he really wanted to type in that search bar. Bucky’s brows furrow even more.

He let out a — deep and raspy — sigh as he typed what he truly wanted — no. Needed to see. The words “Two men having sex” were typed onto the search bar. Waiting to show every single result.

People weren't as accepting in his time — the 1940s — as they are now. Men were incapable of loving men, and women were incapable of loving women. People might even have considered it a sin to have sexual urges with someone of the same gender. Those wicked, corrupted thoughts were capable of killing a single innocent soul.

But Bucky remembered what his pal — Sam, said to him. It’s a new time. A new era. Most of the people accepted who others were. Whether they were gay, lesbian, bi, trans, etc. People had gotten more comfortable with their sexualities without having to be judged.

So why should Bucky feel judged?

His eyes narrowed at the computer screen. ‘Yeah, I shouldn’t feel ashamed of my sexuality. I am who I am.’ Bucky thought to himself. So, without waiting for another second, he pressed the enter button.

“Woah...”

There were so many links to choose from. A sly smirk grew onto the blue-eyed man’s face as he pressed a link. ‘So many fucking videos.’ He thought to himself after scrolling and scrolling. Videos from men giving blowjobs all the way to men breeding other men.

Drool fell from his plump pink lips.

“So, Sam wasn’t lying when he said it had everything?” Bucky mumbled to himself. He clicked on a video that intrigued him the most. As the video started, an ad popped up.

There was a boy with a smaller frame in front of a camera, which captured a lovely shot of his body and chin. His face was hidden. Bucky's left brow raised as he studied the URL. "CLICK HERE: (y/c/n) is now live!" states the link. His blue eyes inspected it.

“What could go wrong?” Bucky sounded unsure for a — quick second. The link took him to a website where there sat the boy. He was patiently sitting there waiting for more people to join.

Bucky licks his pink lips as he sees the number of views increase. What used to be 5 views — changed into 1.5k viewers in a span of 2 minutes. You let out a comfortable sigh as you saw enough people are there for you to start. You parted your plump lips.

“Hi, my sweet daddies~” You teased out.

Bucky just watched you as you begin to take your shirt and underwear off — slowly but surely. Your body made him drool. You brought your hands to your chest as you twisted your hard nipples.

The way you bit your bottom plump lip gave Bucky some type of indescribable feeling. Even though your face wasn’t showing, Bucky just knew you were perfect. The perfect little slut that can give him the pleasure he desires — The Desired Pleasure he desires.

“Thank you for the tips!” You pulled your hands away from your nipples as you buckle your legs up. Revealing your tight hole that begged to be fucked by a girthy cock. Bucky felt his pants become tight as his cock poked his pants. Wanting to be freed.

He palmed his meaty cock through his — now tight pants. His eyes closed as his breathing became heavy. A sinful smirk grew on the one flesh-armed soldier. Fuck you were like a God. How could a faceless boy who had the hottest body give so much pleasure to the soldier?

Without thinking for another second — he put the laptop to the side and unzipped his pants. His rough hand grasped his meaty 12-inch cock. The red throbbing tip leaked sticky — warm pre-cum.

He took a bottle of lube from the side dresser. He wanted more, despite the fact that his hot pre-cum was plenty. He needed to be able to feel more. He slid his egg-sized balls into his now-lubricated hands and massaged them. He never looked away from the Screen.

You were fucking breathtaking to the soldier.

You pulled out a dildo from the side of your bed as you showed it to the audience. You guided the dildo to your ass as you teased yourself. “I wish I could feel your real cock in my hole daddy~”

Wait a second.

That voice. That angelic — but also raspy voice — that the unknown man spoke out of his lips. “Is that... (y/n)?” Bucky questioned himself as he kept hearing the boy speak. “No, it couldn’t be...” Bucky shook his head as he got rid of that unwelcoming thought.

Bucky came back to reality when hearing small — but loud — moans come from his laptop. His lips parted as he stroked his cock from the view of you fucking your tight hole with the girthy dildo.

“Mmmm-- Fuck-- P-Please daddy! You fuck my ass so good~” You managed to get out through the mewls and moans. “Yes, baby boy, fuck yes. Daddy wants to fuck that ass so bad!~” Bucky moaned out from his faster and heaving strokes. The sensation took over him.

His eyes flashed with — dangerous and wicked lust. He imagined your tight hole swallowing his cock whole. The way his cum would paint your soaked walls with his veiny 12-inch cock. His imagination ran wild from hearing the now — louder moans escaping your lips.

Sweat begins to flow down the blue-eyed man’s forehead. His bare chest heaving from his climax rising. “I wanna cum so bad in you baby boy~” He groaned and moaned from hearing you talk dirty.

“Are you ready daddy? Do you want to cum in me? Give me your sticky and warm cum. Cum with me daddy!~” You both moaned from feeling your climax rising. “I’m cumming!” After those spoken words that left your lips, Bucky shot his huge load onto his broad chest.

He stroked his cum covered cock a few more times while covering his — used to be bouncing balls. His toes curl from the overstimulation of cumming so much, his eyes in the back of his head.

Fuck, that was the most he ever came

Before the blue-eyed man could even take his lustful — dangerous gaze away from the screen, he made sure to subscribe to you. It wasn’t a want — It was a need to make sure he watched every future cam show you hosted. Your hot loud moans ran through his ear.

As you cleaned yourself up, the comments flooded the live stream. Envy flowed through the brunette's blood after reading some of the sinful comments. Why was he envious of individuals who had never heard of the mysterious boy? That question was unanswerable.

“I cummed so much for you baby!”

“I wish that tight hole was mine and only mine.”

“I need you so fucking bad.”

The number of comments grew rapidly. You parted your plump lips. "It was a lot of fun. I'll see you all again soon!~” In a sing-song tone, you said. That voice... Bucky's thoughts were consumed by only one thought. He was going to find out who the faceless boy was.

-- -- --- --- -- --

A light knock can be heard.

Bucky jumped from his current spot on the couch. His face twisted as he walked closer to the oak wooden door. As he opened it, the person who has been on his mind 24/7, appears in his icy vision.

A sudden rush of panic gets sent to the blue-eyed man as he sees you. His metal hand grasped the door and slammed it shut in your face. You jumped from the sudden action and your brows furrowed. He blows out a shaky breath before widening his eyes.

“Fuck...” He had realized he just slammed the door on you. He swallows a lump in his throat as he stands up straight. Trying to be the more confident man than you were. When he opened the door, he saw your confused face. He surely had to explain that action.

“Are you okay?” You chuckled and Bucky just nodded. Red rushing to his face as his icy blue eyes connect with yours. “S-Sorry about that. I h-had saw something” ‘Fuck stop stuttering Bucky!’ He thought to himself. You really made the six-foot man nervous.

You just nod as your face relaxes. “Well... I was just going to ask if you wanted to maybe get some drinks at the bar downtown?” A sly smile grows onto your face as you spoke to the — obviously shy brunette.

Fuck that voice...

The same voice that escaped your lips rang through Bucky’s red ears. That voice that he heard from the wicked Livestream that occurred last night. ‘No, (y/n) isn’t that boy... stop thinking that.’ Bucky tried oh so hard to convince himself that you weren’t the camboy.

Bucky hadn’t noticed, but his plump lips were slightly open as a result of not letting a word out. He instantly nodded at your question and grabbed his jacket from the — wooden coat racket.

● 20 Minute Time Skip ●

As you and Bucky walked into the — nearly worn-down — bar, the heavy scent of booze and — slightly good food — filled the air. The sight of guys of various ages cheering and watching sports twisted your face. You patted his shoulder, indicating that he should follow.

You both took a seat on the warm cushion stools at the bar. Bucky’s face was still painted with a deep red from the result of you touching his shoulder. Just the touch of you made him nervous. The bartender walks closer to you both and asks what you want.

You ended up ordering a milkshake and Bucky ordered a beer — although it wouldn’t affect him. Being the super soldier that he is. After a couple minutes of silence, the only thing that filled the bar was music and men screaming — you decided to speak up to Bucky.

“So... James, tell me more about yourself. Like how old are you?” You puzzled the man right beside you. He looked at you for a second before opening his mouth to speak the unknown words.

“106.”

You let out a loud laugh. Bucky sent you an awkward smile and laugh from seeing you in the current state. He really wishes he was joking. You could sense that he wasn’t joking — At all. “Oh my God, you’re serious?” Your tone went from a joking one into a questioning one.

Bucky scratched the back of his neck as you stared into his piercing blue eyes. As you put your index finger into the milkshake, your gaze was pulled from his eyes. Your finger went inside your mouth. Bucky began to feel — that dangerous sense that he felt all over again.

The way your lips sucked your finger.

Bucky shook his head, attempting to clear his mind of lusty thoughts. But how could anyone not want to be touched by you? He understands that it would be the most delightful experience of his life. 'Fuck no, this is so wrong. For God's sake, he's your neighbor!'

You ordered a cheeseburger with a side of fries. That one bite that was taken from the juicy meat — made you let out a moan. Bucky’s breath became shaky from hearing the same moan from the live... If you were the naughty camboy — he was sure going to figure it out.

That’s when the blue-eyed man got an idea.

"Hey, (y/n)? What do you do for a living, if you don't mind me asking?" Bucky questioned you. "I work at a cafe," you replied after raising your brow for a brief while. " It's only about four blocks away." You smiled at the man in front of you.

But there was something strange about his expression.

He nodded his head. “Oh, okay.” He took the second beer in his hand to avoid another awkward talk between you and him. ‘Where the fuck is your game at Barnes?’ Bucky spoke to himself under his breath. He used to flirt so well with the ladies in the 40s, but now?

He’s just a super-soldier who has no game.

After a few more hours, you and Bucky decided to call it a day — a very awkward day — and leave the bar. You two returned to the complex and you stood next to your wooden door.

“I enjoyed my night with you, James. I’ll see you very soon.” You gave a grin to the blue-eyed man and noticed his face turn red. It somehow amazed you how a boy like you — can have such a strong effect on the strong super-soldier. The way he blushes every time you’re around.

“It was nice to see you too doll.” Bucky’s eyes widen from the sudden nickname that slipped from his plump pink lips. A sudden urge of fear surged through his body as he saw you smirk. “I-I’m sorry, that came out by accident...” He mumbled — but you could still hear him.

“It’s all good James. I actually like it.”

That was the last thing you said before walking back into your apartment. Bucky felt a sting in his chest. The feeling of love consumed him. Love is hard to find, but when it came to you, Bucky couldn’t just describe what ran through his cold veins.

He walked into his apartment, took his jacket off, and set it on the coat rack. His phone made a ‘BEEP’ sound which caused him to pull it out of his pocket. “(y/c/n) is now live!” The notification stated. Bucky took a small bite to his lip before going into his bedroom.

Bucky couldn't stop thinking about you being the boy on screen after you introduced everyone. It was something he didn't want to be true. But he couldn't ignore the moan he overheard from your lips today at the bar. He's hearing the same — wicked moan right now. He pulled his aching cock out, and it was time for another naughty session.

Bucky made it a promise to himself to figure out if you were the camboy or not. It was driving him insane from connecting all the dots. From the moans all the way to the voice. Bucky Barnes is — and will find out who the naughty boy behind the bright screen is.

-- -- --- --- -- --

Bucky had begun to panic.

He had invited you over for a date night — a real date night. Panic was the only thing coursing through his veins as he set his blue-eyed gaze onto the clock. It ticked and ticked which made him worry.

“Fuck, Sam where are you?”

Bucky had asked that his good old pal ask his sister, Sarah if she could prepare a delicious, warm, home-cooked meal for the date. Even though you were supposed to be at his apartment in a few minutes, Sam was nowhere to be found to deliver the dinner.

He took a glance around his apartment.

It did not look appealing.

There were clothes that were falling from the hamper. That same musky smell illumed through the apartment. Dishes were in the sink — yet to be washed. If the blue-eyed man wasn’t really panicking before, he sure was now. He hurried around to clean up the mess.

The smell of Febreze took over the — used to smelly apartment. Bucky heard a knock which signaled him it was Sam. He ran to the door and was greeted by a smiling Sam.

“Took you long enough!” Bucky took the food from Sam’s hands and set it nicely on the coffee table. “Hey man, not my fault you asked me last minute.” Sam laughed, and Bucky sent him an unknown glare. He let out a sigh as he put the red (or white) wine on the table.

“Whatever, go. I have a date!” Bucky motioned Sam to the door and all Sam did was give him a sneaky grin. “You have fun with your date, Buck.” Sam bowed teasingly before leaving the flat.

Bucky looked around checking if everything was good. Food: Check. Apartment clean: Check. Bucky being VERY nervous for this date: Check. Now, all the blue-eyed man had to do was wait.

Wait for you...

● 30 Minute Time Skip ●

You sent a light knock to Bucky’s door. The door opened and the sight of Bucky smiling at you sent butterflies to your stomach. “Hi, James.” The way his name would flick right off of your tongue sent chills to his six-foot frame. He really loved the way how you said it.

“Hi, doll.” His smile never left his beat red face. “Are you going to let me in or make me stand here~” You teased the man in front of you. Embarrassment took over him from realizing he didn’t let you in.

“I am so sorry.”

He moved to the side to let you in. You took a step inside of his apartment and were satisfied with the interior. It was clean — a little too clean. Bucky guided you to the couch and you smelt an amazing home-cooked meal. Your mouth watered from the scent.

“Did you make this James?”

“Yea.” Bucky lied to you. He wanted to impress you so much that he fucking lied about knowing how to cook. What can lying about cooking do? Nothing. He gulped from nervousness and took a seat next to you on his grey couch. He grabbed the remote.

“So, what do you wanna watch?” Bucky questioned you. “Anything. I wanna see your taste in movies, James.” Bucky felt a lump in his throat since all he watched was old stuff. He finally ended up putting on Deadpool. Hoping you’ll like it since he never watched it.

● 3-hour Time Skip ●

Once the movie was over, you were getting ready to leave Bucky’s apartment. But Bucky being the gentleman he is, offered to walk you to your apartment although it was only across from his.

In a matter of a few seconds, you made it to your apartment door. You unlocked the door and opened it as it made a ‘CREEK’ sound. Bucky became somewhat nervous about what he was thinking about doing. Was he going to regret this decision? Probably... probably not.

“Well, I enjoyed-” You were cut off by the feeling of a set of plump lips forcing their way onto yours. Your eyes widen from the surprise, but then you give in. Bucky leaned in more as you walked back into the flat. He closed the door with his strong foot — not leaving your lips.

Your breath became hitched from feeling his warm tongue hit against your teeth. Begging to be entered. You let out a muffled moan which gave him the chance to enter your mouth. His hands roamed around your clothed body — the sensation sending chills down your spine.

He pushed you down onto the couch of yours. You could only see one thing in his eyes — Lust. Lust was the only thing that consumed the blue-eyed man as he licked his lips. He leaned down and pecked kisses onto your neck. You let out moans and that was the same moan from the camboy. Bucky looked at you for a second before going back.

He took your skin between his teeth as he nibbles on it. Making sure to leave hickeys. His hand roams around the rim of your shirt. He pulls it off of your body and his eyes end up gawking at you.

Fuck...

Your body was the same as the camboy. The moans, the voice, and now the body? There were too many signs to ignore. But how could one stop a moment like this just because of their mind? Bucky shook the thoughts off for now as he takes his shirt off also.

His chiseled abs were a sight to see. Bucky pulls your pants down slowly along with your underwear. You moan from feeling your cock bounce up from its freedom. Bucky looked at you again and saw nothing, but acceptance in your eyes. He turned you over.

He laid his huge hands onto your waist as he moved your ass into the air. Your tight hole was exposed to him and him only. He slowly leans over and pecks small kisses onto your spine — sending a wave of goosebumps to your whole body. “So beautiful...” He praises.

“Please Bucky...” Bucky guided his hands to your cheeks. He landed a hard smack to them which made you wince. He started to massage them in his rough hands. The feeling of the softness made his erection throb even more. His breathing became shaky from seeing your ass begin to jiggle in front of him. His lips parted and he smirked.

“You’re needy... aren’t you baby boy?~”

Where did this sudden urge of dominance come from? Where was the nervous Bucky at? Where did he go? You questioned yourself as Bucky brought you closer to his body. He pulled his cock out which seemed to be 13-inches. His cock was so girthy and huge. The veins poking out from the throb. His tip was red and pre-cum leaking down.

You swallowed a lump from the sight.

“You’re ready?” You nodded at the man, but then felt another smack to your ass. “Words baby boy~” “Y-Yes daddy.” You could hear him chuckle from hearing you submit to him. It’s like roles reversed.

You were once the confident and flirty one, and Bucky was the shy one. But now? It’s like the roles were reversed. Bucky guides his fingers to your lips. “Suck~” You did as he said and took his — rather huge fingers in your mouth. Lubing them up for what was coming up next. You started to gag as saliva drooled down your chin.

He rips his fingers from your lips and strokes his cock. He then slowly pushed his inches into you. Every inch felt like a pain, but you got used to it. You let out mewls and moans from feeling him go deeper and deeper. “Does that feel good baby boy?”

“Yes..” You managed to get out.

Once his cock was in your hole, he started to thrust his girthy cock into your walls. Pre-cum leaking from your hole onto the couch. The sound of sweaty skin-to-skin slapping against each other filled the apartment. Bucky grunted from feeling your hole clench around him. His toes curled and his arms wrapped around your lower body.

His sweaty chest was against your back as he grabbed your smaller head into his hand. He nibbled on your ear and licked the side of your face with his warm tongue. Lust and Love were the only two things you both felt in your stomachs. “You f-feel so good...”

Tears started to escape your eyes as the man who was fucking you went faster and rougher. His balls slapped against your ass from the motion of fucking you so hard. You grabbed your dick in your hand and begin to stroke yourself — only for Bucky to wasp it away.

You let out a whine.

“Don’t touch yourself unless I say to baby boy~” He managed to get out of his shaky—heaving breaths. You felt your orgasm rising and you were fighting the urge to touch yourself. Not wanting to break his rules. His throbbing cock penetrated your ass.

Spots of sweat formed onto the couch from the amount of sweat that leaked from both of your bodies. His arms are still strongly wrapped around you. “Please let me cum..” Bucky smirked seeing you beg — Beg for him. It was a feeling he never thought he needed.

After a few more — very hard and fast thrust — Bucky kissed your lips again. “Cum.” He stated as he connected his lips with yours. You stroked your cock in fast motions to add more stimulation to the orgasm. Your moans were muffled as you shot your load onto the couch. Cum leaked onto your hand as Bucky felt his rising also.

“Ima cum baby boy~”

“Cum in me please daddy!”

Bucky smirked from seeing the naughty boy below him. His thrust faltered as he shot his huge, hot, white sticky load into your hole. Painting your velvet walls. The white substance leaked from your hole and onto his cock and the couch. His hair was silky from sweat.

He collapsed next to you on the couch. Both of your chest heaving from the result of having hot and steamy sex. After a few moments of getting himself together, the thoughts came back. Bucky has had enough and needed to know. If you were the camboy or not...

“Hey, (y/n)?” Bucky’s raspy voice grabbed your attention. You raised your eyebrow as you connected your eyes with his blue ones. “Yeah?” Bucky took a deep breath in and out before saying —

“Where do you work at (y/n)... like really.” You sat up from your spot confused. “I work at the cafe James. You know this.” You sent a sheepish smile to the man in front of you, but you could tell he was being serious — not wanting to play any games with you right now.

“I know you’re the camboy (y/n). You don’t have to lie to me anymore.” Your face held some type of guilt? Why were you feeling guilty? It’s your business to tell. You let out a needed sigh and nodded your head slowly at the blue-eyed man that laid next to you.

“I am the camboy James.”

He smiled before also sitting up. Your head and eyes were pointing down towards the couch. He put his finger under your chin to make you look at him. “Don’t feel ashamed doll. I’m just glad that you told me the truth.” He kissed your lips and you kissed his.

“I love you, doll.”

“I love you too, James.”

The only feeling both of you were feeling was — acceptance. Bucky had finally confronted you — which you were actually glad about, so you don’t have to lie to him anymore. Love consumed both of you.

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-‘๑’- Main Tag List: @wolf-knights @blurredx18 @jordan005 @marilynmonroefanfics @gayhopefullove @sebshusbando @geminiflanagan69 @sortzz @nostxlgia18 @dangerousstrawberryshark @gimmedatrn

-‘๑’- Bucky Barnes Taglist: @jjrevh

#Bucky Barnes #Sebastian Stan #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x male reader #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x male reader #sebastian stan smut #bucky barnes imagine #neighbor au #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes fic #x male reader #malexmale #male!reader #male insert #buckyshusband0fics

1K notes · View notes