#tbd prbly

[somefinelipstickonthatpig]

Okay but hear me out sometimes I think about an AU where Sorey's potential for being a Shepherd is realized early on by Heldalf who abducts him to raise him and fill him with Malevolence, and I get rly sad thinking about Angst for soft green-eyed boy and water boy getting fleeting glances from opposite sides of the battlefield and continually missing each other

[bulundu]

Me four days ago in town: steps on and cracks open a security button while trying on swimsuits. covers suit, self, and changing room with dark green ink. goes home in panicked shame, worrying every store will think I've attempted to shoplift if I continue shopping.

Me in town today: rams dog toy display with cart, knocking off entire shelf. Scrambles to put shelf up, causing the shelf beneath it to fall. Customers continue to circle me in the aisle, watching as they pass. Fix both shelves, but my head bumps a third shelf as I stand, causing it and the previous two to fall. Two employees stand behind me watching as I try again. One says, "She Mike Tyson'd it, bro. It's not getting up again." and walks away.

What horrors and personal shames await me in town next week?

[cenglzal]

my longest i love sirius black ever

[danepopfrippery]

I really do think when Guillermo turns (and prbly not til end of 4) he’ll be a daywalker. Ie all that changes is he also has powers/immortality and Nandor has trouble changing from familiar to boyfriend equal vampire.

Meanwhile Laszlo will prbly be terrified for awhile to sass him, Colin tbd, and Nadja will have become besties during their UK trip

[ddcjas]

:)))))

[yousonickedmyprecious]

Ugh J I want to do conflict not this. I have cycles but I cannot overstate how much I DO NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN THIS. I have family shit taking up my life do not do not do not "take my workload" so I have to do this. Unless you're taking the new thing. Please take that. D please don't volunteer me for shit without talking to me. T I am not going to cover your ass for this the whole way through. Fuck it up and I will not shield you. Let me fix your fucking grammar too.

[krisseycrystal]

*needs words and needs comfort and needs kind thoughts please* 

i’m so sorry but this isn’t gonna go away plz be kind plz i’m sorry

[yousonickedmyprecious]

What do I do when I start feeling like shit? I watch a fucking space launch, that's what.

[yousonickedmyprecious]

Ever since I got sick I haven’t ever really felt like myself again. I mean, I probably was like this before then, but spending two weeks in bed with less energy than my usual almost-none made it worse. It’s hard to do things, to do anything. I accomplish maybe one thing a day. I spend a lot of time reading but I’m not sure how much of it I actually read, I can’t focus enough to write. Even being here most days is a bit of a challenge. I barely leave my room any more, because there’s just nothing outside of it for me to do. I could barely even get excited about the con I always go to. 

A lot of it is anxiety about school, which I need to deal with but I never have the energy to. I’ve pretty much decided that it’s not the best thing for me to do and so I’m going to withdraw, but I have to before too much longer, and thinking about doing that just makes me anxious and guilty. Anxious because I don’t want to have this interaction, guilty because I should have figured it out earlier or done something earlier or not be so weak and stupid to not go through with it and I know how much my parents want me to, how happy it’ll make them, how proud of me they were for deciding to go for another degree. So many of my friends are going on for advanced degrees and I’m sitting here doing what? Dropping out because I’m too weak, that’s what. And I know it’s a damn double standard because I’m so happy for M and T who decided not to also and I give myself shit for it but not them??? And because I don’t have anything else lined up to replace school my mom keeps coming to talk to me because she thinks it helps but it never does and she always suggests that I just do a semester because it’s “The Easy Option” and no matter how many times I explain to her that it isn’t, she always insists that it is. I get where she’s coming from, doing a semester avoids the difficult conversations now, but I mentally and emotionally and mental-health-wise can’t handle it. So I’m just really upset and honestly kinda offended that she doesn’t ever seem to understand that both things have consequences and she? doesn’t? realize??? And so part of the not leaving my room thing is because I’m trying to avoid my parents and these shitty loop-conversations where we talk about the same shit as last time all over again as much as possible. 

At least I have appointments with a counselor for next week. Hopefully we can work some things out and I can actually have the goddamn guts to do something about this. And today I was very very restless so while my parents were out I worked out, made some cookies, and did all the dishes and I tried to clean up my room a bit which didn’t work too much but at least after all that I was less restless and actually quite tired and I was able to get a bit of good sleep which I very much needed because last night my dad left something downstairs and turned all the lights on looking for it so I had to close my door to try to sleep regardless of the heat and stuffiness in my room and then this morning quite early he was playing this video someone made of my scholarship’s graduating class and it was very loud and sounded like my school-year alarm so I woke up very disoriented and had an overall bad morning but yess the sleep this afternoon was good even though it’ll make it harder to sleep tonight. And I’m just very grumpy about the lack of sleep because last night/this morning aside I haven’t been sleeping well for a while so yeah. Gotta fix that. Or something.

[yousonickedmyprecious]

In the midst of deciding if grad school is The Thing That I Should Do With My Life, I finally reached out to a counselor who I’ve heard is pretty good and specializes in anxiety. I’m pretty happy that I’m starting the process to make an appointment, especially before relations with my parents totally deteriorate. 

Also, the Kennedy Center is doing two ballets this winter, Sleeping Beauty and Raymonda, which I really want to see, so that’s something for me to look forward to.

[yousonickedmyprecious]

I made up the rest of my grad school application checklists, but one of the schools listed their average exam scores, and it wasn't exactly the most competitive or prestigious school on my list. Anyway, 2 of my scores are below their averages, and those are the 2 that kinda matter a lot for getting in. So now I'm scared and stressed about not getting in, because who the hell is going to take me for their program? I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get in because the only reason I'm in the program I'm in now is because I want to do the kind of work you can only do with a PhD. I want nothing to do with the work you do with a lower degree in this field. Like, nothing. I hate just coding and programming; I like algorithms and math and theory. But you can't do those without some sort of advanced degree, and my chances of getting one are getting smaller by the second. 

Mom just tells me not to worry and whatever, and Dad doesn't know how to deal with this at all. But, what am I supposed to do if I don't get in somewhere? Get a job, obviously, but doing what? This is the problem with being a perfectionist; I need to get it right the first time, and there aren't really many options for do-overs in terms of applying for advanced degrees. And all this is assuming I'm ever going to forgive myself for fucking it up and not getting in anywhere. 

And there's plenty of stuff that I know how to do, but it's like there's all these things that I'm mediocre at, like math, and computers, and sewing, and writing, and music, and languages, and chemistry, and organizational stuff, and policies, and law, and baking, but there's a whole list of absolutely nothing that I'm actually any good at. 

I'm just terrified of screwing up and I'm so scared that I can't bring myself to actually work on the applications, and instead I want to just curl up and cry and avoid it forever, because I see this as my only option and I can't see anything else if this doesn't work out. 

[yousonickedmyprecious]

Of all the gifs that load on the tumblr app, it had to be the one of Jules's crash. Did not need to see that. Dammit.