#take better game and everything else pics cowards!!

[breannastewart]

#needthat

[storiesofsvu]

Alright, it’s finale time. Is anyone else nervous?

I think I’d likely be more nervous is paramount hadn’t released SO many fucking teaser stills from the episode. And I’m not even talking about ones from this week, the one of em all covered in soot and dried blood was released WEEKS ago. And most of the main team has the “Meredith grey/olivia benson effect” where we know that nothing serious is going to happen to them so there’s no stakes when they are about to get shot/blown up/etc.

But then they go and release even more promo pics that are practically spoilers.. like.. what are y’all even doing? At least the tik tok person knows how to run shit LOL.

Anyways, here we go!

Oh GOOD! He’s hallucinating again… wonderful

Okay… what fucking kind of game is going on here? Is frank bullshitting? Are him and jade working together? Who’s actually playing hardball rn??

Okay at least this answers the question of what happened to her vest lol.

“shes injured” I think she’s relatively okay girl, she’s just knocked the fuck out, she’s been through worse..

Ngl it would be a helluva good plot twist if peter b WAS just doug bailey under a different name and he was still alive. I need a fucking INSANE plot twist like that in one of my shows

Im also ngl, I’m hella here for unsub jade. I wish she would have been the primary unsub for the season, a female is bad ass enough but someone as young as her is awesome.

UGH YES BADASS PRENTISS, THANK YOU. Uuugggh yessss using that fucking big brain. I love her so much. I’m so glad we got to see all sides/layers of Emily this season and I can’t wait to see what the rest of the episode holds!

I feel like 55 minutes is NOT enough to fully resolve everything that has happened this season. Like, yeah I know that there’s likely gonna be a cliffhanger but come ON.

How TF is voit in THAT low security of a prison??? That looks like a cheap motel!??

Also.. im not mad about him being a regular (as long as he’s not imaginary) cause Zach is SO good and he’s charismatic and this season he really brought some comedy and major likeability to the character we hated last season

It doesn’t matter what I see doug bailey in he will FOREVER be the guy from Fired Up. Lol.

“the first time I was in the field I threw up…” “really?” “no. I was just trying to make you feel better.” LOOOL.

Jfc there are SO many times paget does her little tongue/lip tick thing

Man I was JUST wondering if we were gonna get more Phil Coulson this season or not

“can we turn down the testosterone for one second?” loooll Rebecca. I love you SO much. She just hates men.

So this ENNNTTIIIRRREEE thing could have been avoided if the director had just put his foot down and told doug no??!!! put the foot down for Emily and threaten her entire career she’s built but let little doug do whatever he wants to try and save  his family’s ass. Uugggh I hate it here

YEEESSS REBECCA WITH THE FUCK. She’s like, 5 foot 2 at the most and her dick is so big, I just know it

AHAHAHAHAHA again voit with the comedy, fucking clown, I love it.

OH MY GOD! The still of Emily walking away from brian she IS SO DONE WITH HIS FUCKING SHIT. She looks SO pissed

God bless everyone who gifs this episode cause I swear its darker than normal. You are all angels.

Emily being tortured like this should not be this hot. LOL

Also like.. a taser’s gotta be tame compared to a branding. Our girl will be fine.

“our special time in the cell”  *gags*

Oooohhhhhkay. THIS is why tyler’s in the field and in an fbi vest. Okay. I take back what I said to the besties earlier

How and WHY is voit not HANDCUFFED.

PENELOPE BEING THE ONE STARING VOIT DOWN OMG YESSSS (and even jj stepping up incase she needs to get inbetween them. LOVE that.)

Not her password (presumably) being a derek call back. This seasons REALLY did a good job calling back to previous cast! (now bring blake back you cowards)

Oh fuck you voit

At least we’re getting some kind of closure on this baugate shit. “neither does your wife” WHAT. Damn jj. YEEESSS DOM! FUCKING JJ COMING OUT TO PLAY. UUGGGHH everyone so fucking hot this episode

PAGET IS SUCH A GOOD FUCKING ACTRESS JFC

The tiniest hint of realization and fear flashing across her face?! Give her all the awards pls.

Okay that was some HORRIBLE continuity. Emily’s hair all mussed up, her bangs falling out of her ponytail all episode and suddenly one of them is curled PERFECTLY.

Holy FUCK luke thank fucking god

Tara and Emily in matching shirts.. girlfriiieeeends (they might not be the same but whatever lol)

“tell me if its real” this is legit our future on all sides of the law now, AI has come WAY too fucking far and it freaks me out.

Uuggghh jaaaadddeeeeee she’s literally been through so much hell and her breaking down to prentiss and Emily saying she knows exactly what she’s talking about and filling in the blanks?!!? UUGGH MY HEART

…where’s tyler… (like jj even said he would get to find out if Emily was alive and ….where tf is he??)

“I am a dad so I know a passive aggressive action report when I see it” HAHAHAH

EXCUSE ME? EMILY IS THE *SECTION* CHIEF!! WOW that mis writing

So…do they only have the budget for garcia’s apartment now?

Ohh.. okay and now tyler’s gonna be a series regular?? God they’re still fucking flirting and there are still vibes there and I do not hate it. Im so sorry.

“Hooray you’re alive” LOOOOLLL Emily deserves that cake like 4 times over

Okay im glad Rebecca and tara are back together and happy but I do really wish we’d gotten a little bit of the “offscreen” development on that.

Jfc the hallucination of voit JUMP SCARE

Okay so most of it got wrapped up pretty well. It looks like jade is getting some help, voit is likely murdered in prison (shade to the cm team who said “someone’s gonna DIE” and all of us were barely concerned and they just made it him.. like.. you guys suck at promo)

I’ll rewatch Sunday or later, but overall, I liked this season. There were moments I was not into it and episodes that I loved. Sometimes that was just the jumping around and sometimes that was likely me being too tired to be able to connect the dots. I wish we’d jumped into things a little quicker and had jade around for more of the season, but I’ll take what we can get!!

Now imma either gonna go start from s3 again OR I’m gonna start with blake’s seasons cause I desperately miss her and I do need to watch the later seasons again….

[wonderwomanfantasy]

Love brewed

so tumblr had a meltdown and deleted this after I had already queued it so I’m sorry the ask got lost but this is a cute sero confession!

warnings: swearing

word count: 1,300 (bout)

summary:

Sero had fallen in love with you the first time he saw you. He had just moved out of the UA dorms and to his own apartment. He was excited to be out on his own finally and to be a pro making the world a better place. According to Google, there was a coffee shop just a few blocks away and he definitely deserved a nice cup of coffee after unpacking all morning. There was a light drizzle but it wasn’t anything too bad so he pulled his hood up and headed off to Love Brewed Cafe. 

It seemed like he wasn’t the only one who wanted something to drink, the little hole in the wall shop was practically full when he walked in. Sero was just pulling down his hood when you turned to look at him a big welcoming smile on your face. And his heart stopped dead in his chest.

“Welcome! Order whenever you’re ready!” you chirped from behind the counter, leaving him stunned. You were easily the most beautiful person he’d ever seen and he could feel the heat rush to his face. He nodded, not sure he could trust his mouth to do the talking. 

Sero realized he was staring and quickly diverted his eyes up to the menu. He calmed down and instantly he felt stupid for getting so worked up over just some barista, He walked to the counter and he looked back at you. Fuck. 

“Uhm just a large black coffee please,” he stammered. 

“Sure no problem! Can I get a name for that?”

“Sero,”

“Perfect, I’ll call for you when it’s ready go ahead and take a seat, er if you can find one that is,” you laughed. Sero just nodded again, hoping his red blush wasn’t too obvious. 

The cafe was crowded but he managed to find an open table near the window and he immediately pulled out his phone to text Kaminari.

Sero: cute barista a block away from my new place, I’m already planning our future children’s names and I’ve only talked to them once. 

Kaminari: Damn do they have a nice ass?

Sero: they’re behind a counter I can’t tell

Kaminari: damn :/ ask if they’re single and or if they have a cute friend

Sero: I m not going to harass them at work

Kaminari: pussy

“Black coffee for Sero!” you called making him jump, he quickly ran up and got his drink before going back to the small table he staked out. 

He looked down at the cup, at his name written in your cute handwriting, and remembered he didn’t even like black coffee. 

Sero went to Love Brewed every day, it just became part of his routine, He didn’t always see you, but he made the most out of it when he did. It was a lot easier to talk to you after the first day and as it turned out the two of you had a lot in common. 

You were a college student about his age and worked part-time here to help pay for classes. You told him about your quirk about your family about the school, everything, and Sero loved to listen. 

If it wasn’t  busy and you didn’t have anything else to do you would come to sit with him while he drank his coffee, otherwise Sero just leaned against the counter while you talked. 

Every time he got the chance to talk to you Kaminari was the first to know about it, Sero was sure that he was getting sick of hearing about you, and Sero’s refusal to ask you out but Hanta really didn’t mind playing the waiting game. 

“Wait so you’re really a hero? That’s so cool! Why did you never tell me, we have a Hero discount you know?” you asked amazed. Sero Shyly rubbed the back of his neck. 

“It never came up, besides I don’t mind paying full price,” he said with a shrug. You pushed him playfully making him laugh

“I can not believe you let me rant about my dumb professors when you probably have all sort of crazy hero stories!” you shouted. Sero could practically hear Kaminari screaming in his ear to brag, brag like his life depended on it. So he did, He liked watching your eyes go wide as he talked about some of his more dangerous fights. 

“Wow that’s incredible,” you said breathily, 

“Well, if you ever need a hero to do some saving I guess you know who to call,” he teased 

“How am I supposed to do that when I don’t have your number,” you said and again he could hear the Kaminari in his head screaming. 

“We can change that,” he said. You shoved your phone in his face almost before he had a chance to finish. 

“Is it alright if I text you for nonemergencies?” you asked

“Of course,” Sero said a little too quickly. 

“Then I will,” you promised. And you did, later that night he got a text from an unknown number with an image attached. 

Unknown: staying safe hero boy? Also here’s a picture for my profile. 

Then you sent a cute selfie of you sitting on your couch in a big sweater. 

Sero: cute

(y/n): thank you thank you I try

(y/n):  do I not get a selfie back?

Sero: give me a minute it just got out of the shower

(y/n): 👀👀👀

Sero paused for a moment, He could send you a shirtless picture, that’s what Kaminari would do, but that might be too forward, wouldn’t it? There would be no denying it was flirting, it might ruin your friendship.  But that’s what he was doing right? Flirting. Every time he complimented your work uniform or made you laugh it was because he liked you right? Sero went the coward’s way.  

Sero: perv. 

He threw on a shirt and snapped a pic to send back. He still looked good, his hair was wet and hanging in kind of a sexy way and his skin was flushed was kind of hot, so he sent it. 

Sero: for you

(y/n): cute

Sero ended up texting you a lot more than he thought he would, every morning the first thing he did was check his phone to see if you had texted him in the night and if he had a spare moment during patrol he’d send you a picture of him hanging upsidedown from a lamp post and you texted him when you were bored in class. It made his heart pound every time. 

“Just ask her out already,” Kaminari groaned leaning over Sero’s shoulder reading the texts. 

“Fuck off, I’m working on it,” Sero grumbled. 

“What’s holding you back? They’re single, right? Just do it!” Kaminari barked. Before Sero could snap back an alarm went off and both of them were too busy to think much about Sero’s love life. 

What was holding him back anyway? He liked you. A lot. So much in fact that he hadn’t even thought about someone else romantically since the two of you met, and it seemed like you liked him too. At least you were always up to message him and unless he was reading too much into things it seemed that your smile was just a little brighter for him than anyone else. 

Of course, he knew the answer. He was scared. Sero had never been anyone’s first pick why would he be yours? He was used to rejection at this point but that didn’t make it sting any less. He didn’t want to ask you out only to see a sour expression cross your face when he told you that he loved you. But he should still tell you. 

Sero argued back and forth with himself until he decided. He was going to tell you the next time he saw you, no backing out. 

“Hey Hanta!” you greeted cheerfully when you saw him come through the door. You already had his regular ready for him. He smiled and greeted you at the counter paying for his drink and taking the cup. 

“Your shift ends at three today right?” he asked

“Yeah, why?”

“If you’re not doing anything I thought we could go out together and do something fun,” He said trying to sound casual even though his heart was beating out of his chest. 

“I’d love that Hanta,”

[szopenhauer]

Grossest thing you’ve seen in a bathroom? pee, poop and blood mixed with vomit all over the place Do you consider your family dysfunctional? all families are toxic, more or less Do you hate people who act like everything is fine when its not? I hate those people, they both want you to leave them alone and guess, they’re annoyed with the fact you wanna know as much as you not caring about them, never satisfied, then blame everybody else, how are we supposed to act if we feel you don’t trust us enough to tell the truth? it’s your own fault! we also have problems, not everything’s about you, if you prefer to kill yourself than speak up, that’s your choice but it means you’re a coward, I’m tired of that behavior

Ever had a body piercing ripped out? never had a piercing so I’m lucky not to be bullied this way

Can you sew/croshet/knit? I know basics but I have no patience so it’s not my hobby Do you put the cap back on the toothpaste after using it? of course :o  Have you shot off a firework? never, it’s dangerous, I prefer to look and from afar  Are you offended when you see women breast feeding? no

Do you hate when people keep things from you? if we’re close then sure Can you multitask? I can XD

*działam na dwa fronty, boobs, albo na tyłach* Are you too sensitive? hypersensitive Who wears the pants in the relationship? who wears the socks and cowboy hat tho?

If you were given three things to make you happy, what would these be? health, money and no worries How would you rank the following in importance: family, career, love life? family and love life then career as I’m not interested in it 

Which would you prefer: having a baby without a partner or a partner without a baby? partner without a baby  but tbh it would be better to raise a baby without a partner if I decided to have a kid (I don’t want children though) as there wouldn’t be disagreements on how to nor risk of arguments and then divorce in general which would be super hard for the little one 

Do you think God is real, and why? sigh...

Do you believe in giving people second chances, and why? rarely as it’s like putting your hand into fire hoping it will be cold this time, people usually change for worse - not better Do you think people fall in love because the right person has arrived, or because the time is right (regardless of whom the person is that they fall in love with)? because of other reasons usually as I wouldn’t call their relationships LOVE, they’re just desperate, scared of being lonely How important is trust in a relationship? I don’t think I can trust someone completely but still it’s very important to me to trust them as much as I am capable to - if I can’t trust them at all then it won’t work  How do you feel about infidelity? it makes people feel like they’re not enough and they also get paranoid later, it causes trauma, person who was cheated on will always be afraid to trust another human being in case someone “better” will show up, nobody is perfect but it’s better if you break up than do smth romantic or sexual behind your partner’s back, nobody deserves it, if you can’t be with one person only then either do open relationships or polyamory or just don’t commit to anyone - one night stands or something - infidelity is caused by wanting more and being impulsive, liking adrenaline, risky behavior, you are some sort of an abuser, not just a liar, because you’re hurting someone who’s supposed to be closest to you, intoxication isn’t an excuse, if you can’t keep it in your pants when you’re drunk then don’t drink too much or publicly - simple as that, love is a promise and you’re breaking it for fun, someone said today that it’s like checking if another branch will snap while still holding another - sounds careful but that’s not the point - it’s just that you should sit on it (stability) instead of jumping trees after you already commited to one of them and made a nest on it, you will break all of the branches (other people) and you will end up on the ground anyway - alone, who wants to be with a cheater? honestly - rapist will always stay rapist even if he won’t rape again and so is the cheating person - they might change but fear will always be a part of their partner for sure, dating is like a competition for many, trying until you find the best match, always looking around, never warming up to anyone in case there’s a better opportunity, constant game that make us anxious, showing off you’re the best player among all and... you actually are a player in both of this word’s definitions, sadly What quality in a person do you fall in love with? it’s not a single separate thing but someone whole I believe, I tried to explain that to myself but it’s very hard, there are some traits I might like more, go for, see as necessities but I’m unable to list them for now - maybe later/someday Do you find it difficult to admit that you are wrong, and why? I am - I don’t care about winning, I want truth and justice, I prefer to be right but without admitting I’m wrong that can’t happen Which would you prefer in a romantic partner: a dreamer or an achiever? dreamer, I dislike overly ambitious and workaholic people  What do you think are the two things that prevent people from realizing their dreams? money issues and health problems or time

So the world is dying to know the longest you’ve ever been on an airplane. 0 hours

Speaking of airplanes, can you sleep on them easily or no? no idea

So if I were to touch the place you last itched, would it be awkward? sorta

Have you ever come close to drowning? it was close in my opinion

Is the window in this room currently open or closed? closed

Is your phone fully charged right now? it is indeed

If you gave yourself a symbol (ex: star) to represent you, it would be…? not sure

Combine your two favorite animals. What kind of animal do you get? raccoon + elephant?

If I gave you a box of chocolates, which would you hope to get? I prefer something else than a box of chocolates

Have you ever caught your clothes on fire before? omg luckily not 

Are you any good at improv? been told

Do you have any special handshakes with friends? I don’t have... friends :x

Are you better at writing fiction or nonfiction? I’m good at both but I prefer fiction

How many times does the letter ’t’ occur in your full name? once

Last song you heard? Crystal Castles - Suffocation Reason you last threw up? meds withdrawal How many pairs of flip flops do you own? zero Do you ever pick up pennies for good luck? I pick up all coins that I find and give them to my dad Something you wear all the time that you’d feel naked without? panties

If you have younger siblings, how old were you when your siblings were born? not applicable Would you ever pick up gum from the ground and eat it? hell no Have you ever gotten stitches? nope

Think back to the last thing you drank. Did you drink it using a straw? I didn’t Is the sun shining? it’s almost midnight  Where did you go today? shopping Have you ever taken a survey while under the influence of drugs or alcohol? I don’t drink or take illegal drugs Where will you be in an hour? in my bed Is anyone irritating you? not atm unless I can count myself  Have your parents ever threatened to throw your things away because your room was messy? sorta Is your shirt pink? it’s mostly white Are you going to do more surveys? it’s late and I’m commited to finish this one Who is the most complicated person in your life right now? ... me? Have you ever video chatted with someone you met online? yep Are you hungry or thirsty right now? thirsty Do you own a pair of gumboots? eww, gross Have you ever worked somewhere where you had to clean the toilets? I might  Do you rate people’s attractiveness on a scale of 1-10? rating 1-10 is very hard for me Is there anything that you could cry about right now? shitload of reasons When was the last time you used Facebook? today like every other day Do you have a PO Box or does your mail get sent straight to your house? our house How many vowels are in your street name? 4 Did you share baths with your siblings/cousins when you were a child? I did not Have you ever been a member of an online dating site?  couple Do you know what your neighbours even look like? obvi Do you put ketchup on your fries? yuk

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? uh oh I should check that in my photo album in pics from middle school 

Is your dream job attainable? they ain’t

Have you read a newspaper today? we don’t buy/read newspapers

Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? I’m done with school and am unemployed

Have you ever been to a drive-in theatre? no

Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? guitar

Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? camp

Do you live with your parents? still

Are there any embarrassing school pictures of you anywhere in your house? there are

What moment in your life have you been most scared? constantly now last half year

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? long story

Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I make them but barely ever

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? computer

Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? prefer them to cook for me 

How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? hope that this will happen soon 

Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? I need one

Have you ever ripped your pants in public? even recently 

Have you ever thought someone was talking to you, but it turned out they were on the phone? Did you play it off? possibly

Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? can we not talk about it?...

Who was the last person you slow danced with? my gf

Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? often, nothing as I’m disabled

Do you say ‘like’ a lot? used to

Do you scream out the answers while watching game shows on TV? at times I did

Do you ever go into photobooths? yay!

What bill do you hate paying the most? I’d hate paying rent as it’s idiotically high

What’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner? everywhere can be romantic with a right person

What was your first car? none yet

Favorite guilty pleasure? personal

What celeb do you think resembles you best? basing on look? Cole Sprouse or Maisie Williams but with Juno Temple body

Who from high school would you like to run in to? hmm...

Start a new career or relationship? just get a job as I’m taken

Are any of your toes connected? I don’t have webbed toes

What was the last thing you dreamed about? running from the police... w klapkach

What color is your bedroom carpet? no carpet Have you ever had a black and white cat? all black Would you rather have an STD or share a bed with Michael Jackson? life chose for me and honestly this is probably the first time I’m happy about it Do you have any wallpaper in your house? I wish How many pairs of underwear do you own? lots of panties but not enough bras Who was your primary/elemantary school’s most popular girl? E.O. and A.M. Would you like to learn to play the harp? meh Are your feet ticklish? very and I hate that Do you have a black dog? it’s partially black Who has the prettiest toes, that you know of? feet are disgusting  What’s your least favorite season? winter

Do you enjoy walks? sure Can you roll your tongue? I can Would you eat a live spider for one million dollars? gimme Would you forgive someone for cheating? hard to tell Have you seen A Clockwork Orange? not interested Do you like to read? occasionally re you a grumpy person? often Do you like cotton candy? never tried and don’t wanna Rap or pop? pop What’s the weirdest flavor of ice cream you’ve tried? rose, amazing! Love or lust? love Do you remember lyrics easily? am I the only one who don’t? :(

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

When You Least Expect It: Part Five

Jensen x Musician!Reader; Nathan (OMC)

Also featured this chapter: Jared Padalecki, Gen Padalecki, Rob Benedict, Briana Buckmaster, Dee Harris, and mentions of Kim Rhodes, Mark Pellegrino, Jason Manns, Richard Speight, Jr.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

A/N: This is a slow burn fic that I have been working on for a while. Its a story I wrote for myself and just wanted to share with everyone. Yes, the “Dee” in the story is who you think, but there is no intended hate on her or their actual marriage. It is a work of fiction, that is all. Part five is from Y/N’s POV. There is also a playlist to go along with the series.  Series Playlist: “When You Least Expect It” (Spotify). Two songs linked in this chapter, “Do I Move You” & “Up Cripple Creek” go back directly to this playlist. 

A HUGE shout out to @closetspngirl​ for putting together Jensen’s & the reader’s gorgeous wardrobe for the NYE party. Also for not only being my beta, but helping me write the G-D thing. Your input, suggestions, and overall inspiration has been a game changer.

Chapter Summary: Reeling from a visit with her Ex while home for Christmas, Y/N goes back to Austin to get ready for the Padalecki’s New Year’s Eve party. That event turns everything upside for both Y/N and Jensen.

Chapter Warnings: Language, Talk of Break-Ups, Angst, Fluff, 

WC: You don’t wanna know... Trust me.

*Banner created by me; pics & gifs found online

Y/N stood at the kitchen counter, her fingers gripping the butcher’s block so hard it was turning her knuckles white. She tried to regulate her breathing, which would help slow the relentless pounding of her heart being fueled by the adrenaline rush of seeing Nathan again after so many years.

“It’s really good to see you,” he started, the tenor of his voice instantly drowning her in memories. The quiver that lived beneath it wasn’t lost on her either. In fact, she relished that he was nervous. Y/N hoped he was scared as hell.

“What do you want, Nathan?” she asked, finally turning to face him.

“Just to talk. To—”

“Bullshit. If you wanted to talk, there are phones for that.”

“You would have taken my call?”

“Probably not,” she shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest.

“See. Figured the drop by was better.” He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket and began to slowly walk around the bungalow. “Wow, the place still looks exactly the same. It's crazy…” he trailed off and snorted a laugh when he gazed at the pictures along the walls. “I actually miss it.”

“What?”

“The bungalow. You. Our life.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and felt the urge to scream at him to go. Her fingers crawled up and once again clutched her charm. “I won’t ask again, Nathan. What do—”

“…I want… yeah, I’m getting there. This isn’t easy, okay?” He sighed dramatically, something he had always done and plopped down onto the couch.

“I couldn’t care less how hard, whatever it is you wanna say, is for you to say. You ran out of sympathy from me when I came home and found every single one of your belongings gone. Hell, even before that. Because of you and your debts that you left me with, I had to borrow ten grand off of Leo. I’m still paying that back!”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m working now and I promise I’ll repay you. I was such a dick for leaving how I did. I was fucked up, babe. I was gambling and drinking and using—I was a mess.”

“I remember,” she sighed, exasperated and tired. She wanted him to go so she could melt back into the happy state she was in just after getting off the phone with Jensen. “So last chance to tell me why you’re here and bringing back those bad memories.”

“They weren’t all bad,” he said with that crooked smile. “We had some good ones.”

“Nathan… if you don’t get to the fucking point, I will call the police and remind them of the restraining order—”

“Ok, ok… I came to try and make amends. I’m twelve stepping my way back to a better life. It’s taken a while, but I’m finally in a good place. I need to apologize for all the terrible things I’ve done. Especially to you. I’ve hurt you—”

“You have,” she interrupted. “Honestly, I don’t know what hurt worse. When you left without a word or when you broke my nose.”

“Y/N—I…” he trailed off again and shrugged pathetically. “I was a horrible person then. I know it’s not an excuse. If I could go back in time and change everything, I would. We’d be married, have kids… we’d have a life together here.”

“Well, thank God you can’t. Look, Nathan, I’m glad you got yourself straight. I am. But my life right now is good, and I wouldn’t want to change a thing.”

“I heard. Got yourself a fancy new job,” he said with a smile, but Y/N knew him well enough that behind that smile was a fit of pure, seething jealousy. It was always there in him; lurking.

“Who spilled the beans?”

“Leo. I ran into him last week when I got back. I asked about you, and he said that you had moved to Austin temporarily for work.”

“Did he?” She reminded herself to thank him for that later. “Well, then you know I’m busy. I’m only home for a couple days—”

“He said a week.”

“Leo was wrong. I’m cutting the trip short. I have an event to go to on New Year’s that I need to get back for.”

“Oh,” he replied. There was a lot packed into that ‘oh’. “Y/N, I know I don’t deserve to ask you for anything. But for a long time, we loved each other. We’ve been together since we were kids. Me, you… Dave. We were a little family, especially after your mom left.”

The mention of her mother and brother turned her stomach.

“If you want to apologize, bringing up my mother and dick of a brother isn’t the way to go.”

“Dave isn’t a bad guy. I know he did some shitty things, but babe, he’s your brother. He loves you.”

Y/N finally moved from where she was frozen in place and slowly walked into the living room. “You still talk to him?”

Nathan nodded. “I do. He misses you, asks about you. A lot.”

“Good. I hope that shit for brains realizes now that I will never talk to him again.”

“I still don’t understand why.”

“You don’t understand... Nathan, you were here for the bullshit they put me through after dad died. That bitch swooped in and took my entire inheritance! If not for Leo buying the bungalow from her, I would have been homeless. Then, to find out later that my so-called loving brother, HELPED HER?!” Y/N was shaking now. The act of dredging up these memories was not exactly how she wanted to spend Christmas morning; especially not after it started so well.

“Babe…” Nathan consoled and rose from the couch to come closer to comfort her.

“STOP CALLING ME BABE!”

Nathan froze in place and swallowed hard. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I just came here to try and apologize. For everything I’ve done. I was supposed to be the one person you could trust, who protected you. I’m sorry that I failed you.”

Much to her own surprise, Y/N didn’t cry. She wanted too, but she wouldn’t in front of Nathan. There had been enough tears shed for him over the course of twenty years. Her phone began to buzz from deep within her robe’s pocket. She tried to ignore it, but just before it stopped ringing, she pulled it out and saw Jensen’s name flashing on the screen.

Without hesitation, she answered the call. “Hey,” she greeted and hoped there wasn’t any residual tension in her tone. “Miss me already?”

Nathan’s head picked up, his gaze intense and curious. But he saw the warning look Y/N passed him and forced himself to stay quiet.

“If I did?” Jensen asked playfully. “No, I was calling to tell you that as soon as we hung up, Jared called me to say Merry Christmas and all that. I asked him about the party and his exact words were ‘whatever makes you happy, doesn’t matter so’s long as you’re there’. So there’s your dress code.”

Despite her current mood, she laughed. “Well, that doesn’t help at all.”

“Yeah, I know…” he hesitated for a beat, “are you alright? You don’t sound as chipper as you did twenty minutes ago.”

“Um, yeah. I’m fine,” she lied and tried to put herself together. “Just getting ready for the day, you know.”

“Sure? If you wanna talk, or—I can find a quiet spot and—”

“No, Jay, it's fine. Really. I do gotta run though. Few things I need to wrap up,” she said and hoped he would take it as wrapping last minute gifts for the holiday.

“Ok.” She could tell instantly he didn’t believe her. “Well, you know where to find me if you change your mind. Talk soon?”

“Yeah, definitely. Enjoy your day and if you talk to Jared again, or Robbie, tell them I said Merry Christmas.”

“Will do, bye, Y/N.”

“Bye, Jay.”

She ended the call and kept the phone hovering near her mouth, almost as if she was trying to hide from Nathan.

“Who’s Jay?”

“Jensen. He’s my boss,” she answered then slipped the phone back into her robe.

“Jensen? Some name,” he sneered. “And he calls on Christmas morning? What a pretentious dick.”

“Fuck off, okay? You don’t know him.”

“I do though. He sounds like every rich, asshole Bennie that tears up our beach every summer. Comes down with his crap, his money and thinks he gets whatever he wants—”

“Nathan! You wanna apologize, make amends? Attacking my friend will not help accomplish that.”

“Your friend? I thought he was just your boss.” Realization dawned on him then, and she noticed his body stiffen. “You have a thing for him, don’t you?”

She didn’t expect that and stammered before she could find the words she wanted. “I—no, he’s been a good friend. It's business. That’s all. Besides, you put me through enough. I couldn’t deal with anyone else after you.”

Nathan cast his eyes to the floor. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I never intended for you to be hurt so badly. I never wanted for you to hate me.”

“Yeah, well. Your intentions don’t mean shit, Nathan. Look, I should hate you… but I don’t. God only knows why, but I don’t. You’re right, we did have some really great memories. Being friends since we were little kids and all the years we spent together as a couple; it’s not lost on me. Even though you left like a coward after you hit me—”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you… I needed the money and—” he stopped himself from going down that path. “It’s not an excuse. I should never have touched you, especially not at the club. Mama Mia nearly put me in the hospital that night.”

“You deserved it.”

He nodded and let her continue.

“Anyway, all that aside, I’m just in a place where I don’t want to be with anyone, Nathan.” Y/N paused and realized now she was not only lying to him, but to herself. “I appreciate your wanting to make amends. I’m glad the twelve-step thing is working for you, and that you’re here for your mom for Christmas.”

“But?”

“But, nothing. I am honestly glad for you and for your mom. She didn’t need to lose you.”

“What about us?” he asked hesitantly, bringing his bright blue eyes to meet hers. For the briefest moment, she could see what she used to see in them; kindness, compassion, and hope making him look more like the first boy she ever loved.

“Us?” Y/N laughed and sighed all in one breath. “Nathan there is no ‘us’. That ship sailed years ago. But I am glad that you’re getting your life back together.”

His phone pinged from down in his jeans pocket. “That’s probably my mom wondering when I’ll be back. She’s got breakfast waiting.”

“Then you should go.”

“Do you wanna come with? I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

“No, I promised Leo I would be there today.”

“When do you go back to… Austin is it?”

“Yes, Austin. In a few days. I have some work to do while I’m here…”

“So, in other words, you aren’t free on this trip to make any plans with me.”

Y/N nodded. “I’m sorry. Maybe another time.” She once again crossed her arms over her chest. It was a mannerism Nathan knew well; she was putting up her wall, and while he couldn’t blame her, he felt his hopes of any reconciliation being quickly dashed.

“Could I, maybe, call you from time to time?”

She exhaled slowly, expelling the breath through pursed lips. “Nathan…” pausing when she saw the seemingly honest, pleading look in his eyes. “Sure. But, if it becomes obsessive, or intrusive…”

He held up his hands in relent. “I promise, it won’t. I just…” he took a few tentative steps closer to her. As he approached, she took one step back and he stopped; afraid he was scaring her. “I just want to get to know you again. This you. I still love you, Y/N. I know you don’t love me, but at least give me the chance to prove to you that I’ve changed. That I can be the guy you used to love. Or at least the one you used to like.”

His phone pinged again.

“You should go, Nathan. Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas.”

Nathan nodded and went towards the door. “I’m not gonna ask you to wait, but maybe you don’t rule me out completely.”

“Rule you out of what?” she asked.

“Your future.” He lingered for a moment longer, then left and quietly closed the door behind him.   

The daylight hours of New Year’s Eve was packed with errands, including trying to find something appropriate to wear to Jared and Gen’s New Year’s Eve party. Jensen didn’t exactly help with his recon efforts; having the perimeters of “whatever makes you happy” to go by wasn’t much to go on. Finding nothing while in New Jersey, she frantically searched for any shop that was open in downtown Austin on her way home from the airport.

Finally, in the very last shop, she found the perfect one. The moment she laid her eyes on the turquoise colored dress with a lace overlay from the neck to the hem, she fell in love. It was a little fancier than she’d normally go for, but attending this party in one of the most beautiful Country Clubs in Austin seemed like the occasion to do so.

Once all the accessories had been chosen, Y/N rushed back to her townhouse to shower and get ready. As the hot water cascaded down through her hair, she closed her eyes and thought about the last few days back home. She had finally gotten to a place where her life didn’t feel so suffocated, where she could have reconciled her past while looking towards the future. Now she was uncertain if she would be able to ever really move on from Nathan, or if she would always be scared because of the marks he’d left on her heart.

For the next few days, she went on an emotional journey that she knew had to be done, but not one she expected just then. Nathan had been such a big part of her life since she was a kid; he’d been there through some of the worst times to comfort her and support her. It was also true that he was the root cause for a lot of bad times, and though he was the one that made the bad choices, got wrapped up in things he shouldn’t have… wasn’t there a part of him that was still the same boy that held her through the night her mother left, then her brother and again when her father died?

Y/N turned off the shower and wiped away the steam on the mirror. As she watched her reflection in the glass, Jensen’s face floated into her mind’s eye. His beautiful green eyes, full, round lips, the way that he smiled at her made her breath hitch and her skin tingle in ways that felt extraordinary. Mostly, it was how he made her feel calm and in control; like she could accomplish anything she wanted. Yet, whenever she allowed herself moments to daydream about him, and what it would be like to be with him, fear set in and she would pull away.

“You’re a fucking mess,” she accused at her reflection. “Seriously, get your shit together (Y/L/N). You have a gorgeous, generous, amazing man about to pick you up for a fancy party. You got a new dress, new shoes and a wonderful night ahead. Don’t self-sabotage before you even get in the car.”

She gave herself an affirmative nod, tightened the towel around her chest and moved away from the mirror to get finish getting ready. Halfway out of the bathroom she paused and went back to the mirror.

“Also, don’t let Nathan and his bullshit ruin a good night. He’s not here, he won’t be here. It’s just you, Jensen and a hundred of his closest friends. If anything is going to freak you out, it should be that.”

Y/N hung her head dramatically and sighed. No matter how hard she tried not to think about Nathan, he was just there now, living somewhere in the recesses of her mind and slowly inching his way back to the forefront.

Two hours later, when Y/N heard the knock at the first door, she looked over at the stove clock and realized it could only be Jensen. Seven on the dot… Mr. Punctuality. Y/N took a deep, calming breath, nerves quickly igniting as to how things may change if she opened that door. She froze with her hand on the knob.

You should say you’re sick… jet lag? No, stupid, it’s only an hour time difference, jet lag wouldn’t--

He knocked again. Stopping the freight train of doubt that ran on a constant loop, she exhaled slowly and opened the front door.

“Hey!” Jensen greeted upon seeing her. “You ready to…” he trailed off as he noticed how she looked and took a moment to drink her all in. Jensen was dumbfounded, as his eyes glazed over her from how her hair was twisted up off her neck, to the color of the dress and how it hugged her just right, flowing out to a skirt that fell a few inches above her knees. She was wearing heels, and as he admired how her legs looked while wearing them, he realized he’d never seen her in anything but her old sandals.

“Wow… You--you look amazing,” he breathed. “I--that’s not even the right word. You--”

His gaze softened the longer he looked at her; and the more he looked, the more she was becoming affected by his stare.

“Ok, ok. Easy tiger. It’s just a dress,” she laughed but was barely holding it together as she noticed how good he looked, as well. Jensen showed up dressed in a black sport coat and slacks, beneath it, a nicely fitting shirt that complimented his strong and lean figure. The color of which, just happened to be a shade off of matching her dress perfectly.

“Hey, we match!” she smiled, lighting up her whole face. “People are going to think we did that on purpose.”

“Fuck ‘em,” he said, the corners of his mouth pointing down. “Besides, no one in that whole place will even notice me once you walk into the room.”  He waggled his eyebrows and moved aside so she could walk out.

“You’re such a dork,” she teased and rolled her eyes. “Though, I gotta say,” she paused and spun back around for a minute to face him, “you do clean up pretty nice yourself, Hollywood.”

 Heading towards the party venue, Y/N was quiet. She could feel Jensen continuing to steal glances in her direction. He had never been shy before about asking her something when it was on his mind, but now he hesitated. She finally caught his gaze and sighed.

“You want to ask me something, so ask,” she said, startling him with her accuracy.

“Alright… what happened on Christmas?”

Boy, he’s blunt, she thought. She furrowed her brow and tried to play it off like she didn’t know what he was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“C’mon Y/N. I talked to you and you were… you. Twenty minutes later I called back and you were completely different.” Jensen’s eyes flickered back and forth between her and the road. “Then, I don’t hear from you all week. Just seemed like maybe something was wrong.”

Y/N could just brush him off, she thought about it. She didn’t want to get into a big conversation about Nathan solely because it would lead back to their past and she didn’t want to go back to that headspace. She also didn’t think brushing him off was the best idea. Jensen was more than just a colleague now, he was her friend; a friend that she had come to care about very much.

She swallowed nervously, her tongue darting over her polished lips. “I had an unexpected visitor after I hung up with you. Just an old… someone, that I wasn’t expecting to see.”

“Oh,” he replied, his eyes now transfixed on the road ahead. “A recent, old, someone?” he asked, and thankfully she caught his meaning.

“Yes. Sort of. It’s been a few years.”

“Oh,” he said again, this time as more of a sigh of relief. “How did it go?”

“It went. He just wanted to catch up. He was in town visiting his mom and had run into Leo. I guess Leo told him about Austin, and he wanted to say congrats on the new gig.”

“Ah.” Jensen’s gaze drifted to catch her expression. Y/N appeared unaffected, but there was something in her eyes that told him that maybe wasn’t the whole truth. “Exes… huh?” he quipped and tried to get her to smile. “I got one, too.”

“An ex?”

“Yup.”

“Don’t we all?”

Jensen laughed. “I guess.”

“How recent is yours?”

“Last Spring. I got back from a con and came home to an empty house. She was just, gone.”

“Ouch,” Y/N winced, knowing the pain of that feeling. “Did you ever find out why?”

His reaction took her off guard. Jensen smirked, then it faded and his eyes seemed to drift a million miles away. She saw him force the lump in his throat down to a place where it wouldn’t stop him from choking on the words that he tried to say.

“She… uh,” he snorted a laugh, “she met someone else.”

“Oh,” she breathed, waited for a beat, then muttered. “She’s an idiot.”

Jensen’s lips formed a tiny little grin of satisfaction and gave Y/N the hint that he heard her after all.

“Well, I’m sorry your Christmas was ruined by an ex,” he said, turning the subject back to her.

“It wasn’t ruined,” she replied quietly and cast her gaze out of the passenger side window. Her hand went to her neck, to where the necklace had resided since she clasped it around there Christmas morning. “Got to open the best present I ever received while watching the sunrise over the ocean.” Turning her attention back to him, her features softened as she lifted the charm from her neck. “That’s what I’ll remember most from this Christmas.”

The Country Club was far larger than Y/N thought it would be. Even in the shadows of the evening, she could see how beautiful and expansive the grounds and golf courses were. It was lit up in soft whites and golds, and there was a buzz of activity in and around the entrance.

After the valet parked the car, Jensen linked his elbow with hers and escorted her inside. Her nerves were starting to show, barely, but they were there. She’d been to more than enough events like this for Leo’s business, and she’d played the boardwalk stage to a crow of a few hundred people. Somehow, this was more nerve-wracking, and Jensen could feel it radiating off her.

“Hey,” he whispered but kept his eyes focused ahead. “You know this is low-key, right?”

“You mean despite the fact that the party is in Wayne Manor? I swore that was Alfred who parked the car.”

Jensen laughed. “Yes, despite that. These are all just friends, wearing fancier than normal clothes.”

“Your friends. I know them through Skype or email.”

“They’re gonna love you. Alright? Robbie already does. He won’t shut the hell up about meeting you tonight.”

“Says you. I feel like I’m going on an audition and this is my call back for the role of Celebrity Assistant…”

“Hey,” Jensen interrupted and pulled her to a stop. “You know that’s not what you are, right? It’s important to me that you know that.” Using her own words against her made her relax a little. “You’re not my assistant. You work with me. And as for tonight, well darlin’, you are simply my date and easily the most stunning woman in the room.”

His features relaxed, the small bunches of wrinkles deepening around his eyes and the peek-a-boo dimples on the corners of his mouth showing themselves. “Relax, have a drink, dance a little and have a damn good time.”

“I thought we established that me dancing is hazardous to everyone’s health,” she joked, feeling her nerves dissipate a little.

“Hey, it's New Year’s Eve. If you can’t do something new and out of your comfort zone on a night like tonight… then you never will. Besides, I am way worse at dancing than you. I’m more than happy to prove it. After a drink or two, that is.”

Y/N exhaled as steadily as she could and straightened her shoulders back and tightened her linked arm around Jensen’s. She was going to make the most of the night and go in with her head held high; ready to push herself well beyond her limits.

They breached the entryway and stepped into the main room where the Padalecki’s were hosting a jam-packed New Year’s Eve party. Faces were floating by at a rapid pace, some she recognized, some she didn’t. Names were thrown at her, and she smiled at each one, shaking hands with those who offered and returning polite smiles to those she didn’t. It was overwhelming and yet exhilarating, especially when Jensen was introducing her as the Music Director for FBBC’s Hometown Music & Brew Fest. For the first time in her life, she was being looked upon as someone respected; someone who was spending their time trying to make a difference; not slinging drinks, not pushing papers or hustling pool just to make ends meet. What made it even more special, was having him be the one who helped her find this place in the world.

“Well it’s about time!” a woman’s voice squealed over the music piping in through the generously spaced out speakers. As you both spun around, you saw a beautiful, petite woman with long dark brown hair and eyes the color of dark chocolate. “I was starting to think you were going to be late, Jensen. You’re never late!”

“C’ mon Gen, you know better than that,” he laughed and released her arm to embrace Gen and leave a kiss on her cheek. “Where’s the big jerk you married?”

“Oh, mingling, you know him. I’m sure he’s got half the place in hysterics already,” she laughed. When she turned her attention to Y/N, her eyes grew wide and she clapped in excitement. “You must be Y/N! It’s so good to meet you in person! This one doesn’t shut up about you or the festival. I think he may have imploded if you didn’t come on to help.”

“I’m just glad I could contribute something,” Y/N replied. ‘It’s nice to meet you, Gen.”

“Have you met everyone else yet?” she asked excitedly, taking Y/N’s arm much the way Jensen did and led her away into one of the rooms that jettisoned off the ballroom. “I think they’re all hiding away in here.”

She led Y/N in, with Jensen following closing behind. The room Gen lead them into was large enough to fit approximately twenty people comfortably, with a baby grand piano at the center. There were windows along the back wall that overlooked the deserted golf course, but the cream and deep beige draperies were pulled and hid the view from the party goers. In each corner, was a tall, potted decorative tree, with hanging white lights that cast an ambient glow over the room. Scattered throughout the room were overstuffed armchairs and a few leather love seats. A perfect place to sit and listen to someone play on the baby grand while enjoying the view of the grounds.

Y/N searched the handful of faces that were standing around the piano but none were too familiar. The moment Gen spoke, the man at the keys stopped playing. When he stood, Y/N smiled wide, instantly recognizing Robbie as he started walking over to them.

“Hey man!” Rob greeted Jensen excitedly. “Was getting worried about you! Thought you were gonna stand me up.”

“I could never do that to you, Rob. You know I love you too much,” Jensen teased, giving Rob a wink. “But, if I tell you Y/N is here to finally meet you, do you forgive me?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” he grinned and reached out for Y/N’s hand, bringing the back of it to his lips and giving it a barely-there-kiss. “It is a pleasure to finally see your face sans computer screen.”

“It really is,” she said, trying not to giggle at his overindulgent greeting.

Robbie kept her hand and began to move her away from Gen and Jensen. “Here, let me introduce you to the whole gang.”

Jensen just shook his head, his arms open wide and mouthing, “Really?”

Ignoring him, Robbie pulled Y/N around the room and one by one introduced her to people from both the show and the regular con circuit. Y/N’s head spun as she met Jason Manns, Kim Rhodes, Richard Speight, Jr., and Mark Pellegrino among others. It took nearly twenty minutes to make the rounds and by the time Rob had brought Y/N full circle, Gen and Jensen were no longer alone. Jared had just joined the small group, drink in hand and a smile that was more forced than genuine.

Jared leaned closer to Jensen’s ear just as you sidled up next to him. “Hey, I need to talk to you,” he whispered.

Jensen furrowed his brow and snapped his gaze up to catch Jared’s eye. They had a silent exchange, one that could only happen between two people who knew each other explicitly well. When Jensen turned back to Y/N, she waved him off before he could even speak.

“Go, I’m fine. I have Rob to keep me company,” she said, not without a little spunk.

“Hands above the waist, Rob. Remember you’re with a lady, not one of your women of the night,” he warned and gave Y/N’s shoulder a little squeeze before he was whisked off by his best friend.

“I should go check on everything in the kitchen. Will you be alright?” she asked Y/N.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Rob interjected.

Gen shook her head and gave Y/N an apologetic smile. “Welcome to our weird, little family. Please don’t judge us solely on our Robbie.” She patted Rob’s arm lovingly before turning and heading back out through the ballroom.

“She’s one hell of a lady. Throws a damn good party, too. Come on, let’s mingle.” 

Jensen followed Jared down the long clubhouse corridor and down to the double doors that led into the game room. Once inside, Jared shut the door but didn’t bother with turning on the lights.

“What’s up?” Jensen asked. “I barely got in the door, didn’t even get a drink yet.”

“Here, have mine. You’re gonna need it.” Jared held out his glass of bourbon. “I tried to get a hold of you earlier--”

“Why?”

“Because man, Gen invited Dee. She’s coming, and she’s not coming alone.”

Jensen sighed heavily, his head rolled back on his neck and his mouth hung open. “Fuck. Really?”

“Mhm. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I mean, I know they still talk and hang out, but, I didn’t think she was going to invite her.”

Jensen gulped down the rest of the bourbon from the glass, wincing at the burn as it hit his throat. He turned abruptly and headed through the game room to the small bar that was kept there. Rummaging through the bottles, he found a bottle of Jim Beam and refilled the glass.

“Is he here with her?”

Jared nodded. “I don’t know. I just know she’s coming.”

“Does Dee know I’m here?”

Jared shrugged. “Gen and I… we try not to talk about her with each other.”

Jensen considered this and shrugged, too. “I hate that what happened between me and her put you guys at odds.”

“It really didn’t, not until times like this.”

“You know what? It’s fine. Not like I’m here alone, right?”

“Right. About that… You’ll have to introduce me properly when we head back.”

“I will,” he said, and just knowing that Y/N was out there waiting for him, suddenly made the Dee situation seem somewhat tolerable.

“What was that?” Jared asked, looking at him curiously. “What did you just do with your face?”

Jensen scrunched his face in ignorance. “What… face?”

“That face! That face you make when you get all dreamy and shit.”

“Dreamy fa--” Jensen scoffed. He was getting flustered, so he drained his glass. “Shut up.”

“Ha!” Jared laughed and clapped Jensen’s shoulder. “So, you gonna be able to be cool with Dee?”

“As a cucumber,” he promised.

Jensen had disappeared with Jared, Gen had disappeared back into the crowd of people in the ballroom, and Rob had just disappeared. Somewhere in the middle of crossing the big room’s dance floor, Y/N had lost him and when she broke through the sea of people, she didn’t want to go back in. Meandering alone through the party, she felt suddenly out of place and all her earlier nerves settling back in for the long haul.

She wished Jensen would come back from wherever he disappeared too. But as the minutes ticked by, Y/N found herself back in the room with the baby grand. It was completely empty now that the music had stopped; for this, she was suddenly grateful. As she slowly walked along its side, she ever-so-lightly dragged her finger against the ebony lacquer of the lip then followed along the edge and down to the keys.

Y/N hadn’t seen or touched a piano of this caliber for a lot of years. Guitar had been her true love since she was five years old, the piano came later. When she was little, and her mother was still around, she would take her to the most luxurious of all Leo’s hotels up in the wealthy area of Spring Lake. These were the ones with professional piano players in the lobby and a bellhop that came when you rang. Y/N would sit for hours, watching that old man with the sandy blonde hair play the keys like a magician, and pulling some of the most glorious melodies she’d ever heard.

Her mother was a maid back then, cleaning and stealing from most of the rooms upstairs. Leo would find Y/N a lot of times left alone, sitting in the lobby and listening to the piano and felt sorry for her. On her seventh birthday, Leo bought her a small electronic keyboard to practice on. She took to it easily, and by the time she was ten, was recording tracks on the keyboard, they play along with them on guitar.

She exhaled softly as she slid onto the bench and smoothed out her skirt. Just as she hovered her fingers over the keys, and pressed the first few, she was no longer alone in the room.

“Found you! Took me damn long enough…”

Y/N’s head snapped up, to see a beautiful blonde woman, with long, wavy curls approaching her. Her big, dimpled smile lit up the room the second she entered, and Y/N couldn’t stop admiring her.

“I tried to wrangle Robbie before when he was parading you through the room, but that little man is too fast for me!” She sat down on the bench beside Y/N in an exasperated huff. “Woo! I’m beat and it isn’t even midnight yet! I’m Briana, by the way. Briana Buckmaster. You’re, Y/N, right? Working the music side of Brewfest? I’ve heard a lot about you from Robbie.”

“He’s one hell of a cheerleader,” Y/N said. Something was familiar about her, but she couldn’t put her finger on where. “Are you doing work for it as well? You just seem so familiar, but I can’t…” as she trailed off, it hit her why. “You have an album of covers out, right?”

Briana was taken aback, her sweet smile dimpling as it grew. “I do! You’ve heard it?”

“Hell yeah! Back in Jersey, I was a musical director for a burlesque group. Some of the girls were playing it for a routine. It was hot. Your voice is seriously magic.”

“Burlesque? How fucking cool are you? Did we just become best friends?” she roared with a throaty laugh and threw an arm around Y/N’s shoulders. “And here I was just coming over to ask you about Jensen. Had no idea I’d find a fan and a new friend in the mix!”

“You definitely have a fan in me, Briana.”

“Oh please, call me Bri, everyone does. This dress, gorgeous, by the way. And please tell me that Jensen matched you on purpose because I will both love him and tease him for eternity because of it!”

“No! It wasn’t on purpose. But I knew someone would think it was.”

“I guess you two are just on that wavelength, huh?” she wiggled her eyebrows and poked Y/N’s arm with her elbow. “I did see you guys when you walked in together.”

“Oh?”

“Mhm. So, you gotta tell me something,” she said and leaned in a little closer. “How good a kisser is he? Cause, I may be married, but I ain’t dead. And that boy is… mmm mmm!”

“I don’t--I haven’t… We’re not…” Y/N laughed nervously shook her head slightly, trying to shake the embarrassment off and form a complete sentence. “We’re just friends, we work together on the festival. That’s all.”

“Oh, I see,” Bri said and cleared her throat before turning back to Y/N. “You guys are in the denial stage! Ok, I get it.”

“What? No! It’s…” Y/N searched for the right word. Damn this woman is perceptive, she thought before finding the winner. “It’s complicated.” she sighed, surprising herself that she gave any kind of real answer.

Y/N was instantly comfortable with Briana. Her spirit and fiery personality felt familiar, and something she’d been lacking in her life since leaving New Jersey months before. She felt that she could say something like that to this virtual stranger because she felt like Bri wouldn’t be a stranger for much longer.

“Yeah well, complicated can work itself out,” she nudged her shoulder into Y/N playfully, then motioned down towards the keys. “You play?”

“I do,” she replied, relieved Bri moved the subject off of Jensen for the moment.

“What do you like to play?” she asked, but not in the way where one is curious. She asked because she looked like she was scheming.

“Just about anything really. Why?”

Bri slid out off the bench and walked around to stand in the curve of the piano. “You sing, too, right?”

“I do,” Y/N replied and started to play with the keys around middle C. Finding the melody of something soft but familiar. “Robbie tell you that?”

“Nope. Jensen did. Did he tell you that he sings as well?”

Y/N’s fingers froze and her breath caught in her chest. “No… he didn’t.”

Bri’s face light up as she leaned against the piano, letting her hands slide along the edges in each direction. “Oh, he does. And he sings, goooood.”

She forced her fingers to continue playing the song. As she played on, she didn’t realize the song that she’d been playing just then was the same one she had been strumming on the guitar the morning Jensen shared her sunrise.

‘Ooo-ooo-ooo honey, you’re the one that I want...’ Y/N sang silently along to the melody in her head.

“I know this one… I did a stint as Rizzo at the Citadel Theater,” Bri squealed excitedly. “This was a fun one to perform.”

“Pink lady here,” Y/N laughed, and quickly changed up the melody, not wanting that one to get wedged in her head again. After she played it that morning, it stuck with her for days after. But instead of it making her think of the play, now it just reminded her of sitting on the floor with Jensen and talking through the night.

“But I wanted to play Rizzo,” Y/N continued. “She’s clearly the most relatable.”

“We really are kindred spirits! So, new friend…” she brought her arms back to center, and rested her elbows on the piano, cradling her chin in her palms. “Play me something.”

Y/N thought for a moment and began to pick up a melody. Bri’s eyes lit up as she recognized the beginning notes to “Do I Move You.” They exchanged a knowing glance; Y/N knowing this had been one of Bri’s covers, and Bri realizing that Y/N chose it for that reason.

Starting it acapella, Bri sang the first line, “Do I move you?”

Y/N played, finding the groove of the song. It wasn’t hard for her, all she needed was a place to start and she could slide right into it.

“Are you willing? “Do I groove you? Is it thrilling? Do I soothe you? Tell the truth now… Do I move you? Are you loose now? The answer better be…” Bri drew out the last word, soft and sultry and looked to her accompaniment to finish the first verse with her.

“That pleases meeeee….” They sang together.

The song played on, just the two of them at the moment. The party noises were all but a second thought, as these two new friends found an easy rapport with each other through the music. With every few lines, Y/N increased the tempo of the melody, her fingers beginning to move across the keys with speed and accuracy. She was ensconced in playing and vibing with Bri, relishing in the rich grit and tenor of her voice. Both of them solely just going with the song and building it from an intimate conversation to an all-out war cry with the depth, and fullness of Bri’s bravado.

“When I touch ya? Do you quiver? From your head right down to your liver If you like it, let me know it Don’t be psychic or you’ll blow it The answer better be…. Great God Almighty, that pleases meeeee….”

Bri hit the last note in her full voice and a roar of applause ripped through the room. If Bri had seen the people funnel in, Y/N didn’t know; but she hadn’t. Getting so lost in playing freely, not worrying about anything more than feeling the song at that moment, she had no idea that the small music room had filled up with at least twenty different people. Among them, Jensen and Rob, whistling and clapping along with everyone else.

Jensen stood at the opposite end of the piano, holding Y/N’s gaze as the small crowd began rumblings of play more, something else, keep going… the way he watched her made her nervous, yet euphoric. Y/N could feel him beaming with pride, and while she didn’t play with him in mind, it made her feel good to know he got to see her play.

“Hot damn, girls!!” Rob shouted over the crowd. “I knew this was gonna be a good night! You’re amazing!” he ran over and planted a big kiss on Bri’s cheek, then Y/N’s. “I’ll be right back, don’t move!” He was excitable and bouncing all over the place, then finally disappeared back into the crowd.

Y/N took the chance to slide out from behind the piano. Bri grabbed her the minute she was upright and pulled her into a hug.

“That was fucking fantastic!” she squealed and gave Y/N a squeeze. “We have got to hang out and do that again sometime.”

“I am down for that anytime. Your voice… that rasp you have. I’d kill for that.”

“Don’t let her fool you Bri,” Jensen said, rejoining them. “This girl has got some soul when she sings.”

“Oh, I believe it,” she said, “I just can’t wait to hear it.”

“Another time, maybe? Come by my place here in Austin. We can sit around and gig all day if you like. I am happy to spend an afternoon like that.”

Jensen opened his mouth to say something, but Rob’s re-entrance into the room caused some commotion. The moment he walked in with two guitars in hand, the chatter grew again. Rob handed one of the guitars off to Jason and someone else had already slid behind the piano. Stopping at a handful of the guys, including Jensen, he whispered something quick in their ear and went back to stand near the piano.

“Be just a second,” he said as he placed a hand on each of Y/N’s shoulders as he slid around behind her through the people, giving her a gentle squeeze as he did.

The guitars started, piano joined in, and Y/N picked up the first few beats of The Band’s “Up On Cripple Creek”. Bri squeezed in close and tapped her arm.

“I love when they do this song,” she whispered. “Just wait, you’re gonna love it too.”

The moment Jensen’s voice filled the room, Y/N’s mouth fell open at the sound of it; completely in shock with what she was hearing. He sang the first verse, while his friends picked at the guitars and played along on the piano. Jensen kept up with them effortlessly, though his attention was fully on Y/N. From the first line, he locked eyes with her, keeping a grin at bay while he sang his verse. He had a soul and a tone to his voice that tickled the deepest part of her, arousing both the creative and the lustful sides of her. Y/N didn’t know what to expect when Bri told her Jensen could sing, but it certainly wasn’t that.

The song went on, but Jensen just continued to sing along with the chorus, letting each of the other guys take another verse. When it was over, the crowd once again strongly approved of the impromptu performance. Y/N subtly backed her way through the crowd and back out into the corridor to get some air, still reeling from how good Jensen could really since. She saw him shaking hands, making pleasantries and small talk as he made his way towards her.

When he broke through the barrier of people, his arms were outstretched low and he was smiling. “You’ve been holding out on me, Trix. You can play…”

Y/N snorted a laugh. “You can sing!”

Jensen shrugged, not just with his shoulders, but his entire face. “I guess we’ve both been holding out, huh?”

“Looks that way,” she loosely crossed her arms under her breasts and gave him a challenging look. “Feels like maybe we should rectify that.”

Jensen thought about it for a minute, then held out his hand for her to take. “Come on. Let’s get a drink.”

“Good God, yes please…” she sighed and took his hand without hesitation, happily following along beside him as he whisked her through the ballroom.

The next hour or so was spent drinking and eating with people coming and going from the table. Around the third whiskey sour, and multiple helpings of the barbeque pork potato cups, apple brie crostini and mini beef wellingtons, Y/N needed to stand and stretch, allowing the food to settle.

“You alright?” Jensen asked, standing up too, reaching for her elbow to hold her steady.

“Yeah, fine. Just head rush from the booze. Also, this dress wasn’t made for gorging oneself on whiskey and crostinis.”

“Lightweight,” he teased.

“Hey, I don’t live in a brewery, okay? It doesn’t take much to get me--”

“Drunk?”

“Unencumbered,” she corrected.

Jensen leaned closer. “Does this mean I could maybe convince you to dance with me now?” his voice was low and raspy as if it had been denied water for days.

“Let me venture to the ladies’ room first. It is getting close to midnight after all. Then when I get back, we’ll see…” she narrowed her eyes at him.

When he narrowed his eyes back at her, mimicking her expression, she felt her breath begin to get shaky. “Hurry back. Or I’ll tell them to play the Macarena.” Jensen began to do the dance, but subtly, just enough to tease her with.

“Don’t think for a second I wouldn’t whip out my phone and record you doing it,” she warned. “It would be a nice addition to my video collection.”

He stopped cold and stood still. “So, that’s a no, on the Macarena?”

Y/N patted his cheek lightly and let it linger against his stubble for a moment. “Good boy. I’ll be right back.”

She turned to go, and just before she was out of earshot, he called out. “Don’t take too long, or it will be the Chicken Dance!”

Y/N didn’t turn, she just shook her head and kept walking. She didn’t want him to see how much he made her smile.

 Just after drying her hands in the ladies room, Y/N was about to leave and bumped into Bri as she was coming in.

“Oh, hello new friend!”

“Hi Bri, having fun?”

“Yes! I love being with this group. You and Jensen should come over to where Kim and I are sitting. She’s a fucking blast, I think you two would get along fantastically. Just give me a sec, I’ll walk back out with you.”

Bri was quick and within minutes she and Y/N were heading back out towards the ballroom. The music was still playing and people were still dancing and having a blast. The music room was still full of passersby, and a different mix of faces at the piano and playing the guitars and singing. Y/N scanned the area where she had left Jensen, but it was now vacant. She tried to search the rest of the room for him, but there was no sign of him.

“Oh shit,” Bri mumbled, then pulled on Y/N’s lace sleeve. “Looks like you might need to go save your boy, there.”

“What?” she asked, her head whipping around to where Bri was motioning. Just past the bar, she found Jensen, talking animatedly to a petite redhead in a shimmery dark green dress. She was also being over-animated in talking back to Jensen. “Who is that?” she asked, but deep down she already knew.

“That’s Dee. Jensen’s ex-girlfriend. I knew they broke up last year, didn’t realize they still talked.”

Y/N’s stomach dropped and she remembered their very quick conversation about her in the car. “I didn’t either.”

Bri and Y/N watched from a distance until Jensen laughed at something she said. It wasn’t a genuine laugh by any stretch. Glancing pensively at Bri, Y/N bit on her lower lip. She didn’t know if this was a case for her to interfere or simply let the man work out his own business. The longer she watched and saw his body language change to stiffen and defensive, she knew she couldn’t be complacent.

“Maybe I should…” she trailed off and looked to Bri for some kind of sign.

“You probably should.”

Y/N gave her a small, appreciative smile and nod before she began to approach Jensen and his ex. The closer she got, the more of their conversation she could hear, and when she finally was standing beside him, they’d already found an argumentative pit and had fallen in knee deep.

“Well, well. Good to see you still make bad decisions,” Jensen scoffed at Dee, his voice slightly louder and more accusatory as it needed to be.

“Just stop, Jensen,” Dee pleaded. “It’s enough, alright?”

“You knew I was gonna be here. You had to know that. He had to come with you, right?”

“We’re together, Jay. I’m not going to hide that.”

“I wish I could… hide it… from my face,” he muttered.

“Not like you’re here alone,” she retorted and motioned to Y/N.

Jensen finally saw her standing there, and moved closer to her, exchanging his scowl for a grin. “Hey, you’re back.”

“I am. So, whatcha say we go get some air? Uh, Hollywood? I think some fresh air will do you good.”

“I’m good, Y/N. I swear. I got a few things I wanna say--”

“Nope, no, not gonna happen. Say, Happy New Year and let’s go,” she encouraged and tried to pull him away.

“You know who that is, don’t you?” he asked, in what he thought was a whisper, but everyone could hear.

“Yes, I know who it is,” she replied and looked up at Dee with a wan smile in greeting. “Hi, it’s nice to unofficially meet you.”

“Hi,” Dee replied with an apologetic smile.

“Then you know she’s a bit--”

“Don’t,” you warned, cutting him off. “I don’t care who it is, it is not like you to talk to anyone like that.”

“But—"

“Doesn’t matter Jay, you don’t. You’re better than that,” she said, her eyes pleading with him to just follow her out.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with this,” Dee started. “I didn’t mean to upset anyone. He just can’t let this all go.” Her tone was genuine but her words were enough to make Y/N turn around and glare at her.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I just mean that--”

“Maybe, if you hadn’t treated him like a piece of shit, he wouldn’t be this way. Maybe, if you had the balls to have had a conversation with the man instead of just walking out, he wouldn’t want to call you a bitch. So, if I were you, lady, I’d scoop up the boy toy over there and move along.”

Dee’s mouth was agape, but then it seemed as if she may fire back some offhand comment or quip. Instead, she turned, linked her elbow with her man’s and walked off to the other side of the room.

She could feel Jensen’s lips by her ear before she actually heard his words. “You’re my hero,” he rasped.

The feeling of his hand on her shoulder only fueled the adrenaline that was coursing through her. The incident didn’t sober her up, but it definitely put a mild damper on the good feeling she had before.

Y/N went up to the bar and asked for two shots of bourbon.

“You wanna talk about what just happened there?” she asked Jensen and watched as he leaned both elbows on the bar, and rubbed his hands over his stubbled cheeks.

Jensen shook his head and finally looked her in the eye. “Nope. Not right now.”

The bartender lined up the shots, and Y/N passed one to him. Without a word they touched glasses and threw them back down their throats. Once the burn wore off, Jensen’s smile returned.

“One more?” he asked.

“You may have to carry me out of here if we do,” she chuckled.

“That would be my pleasure.” Jensen motioned for one more round.

From the corner of her eye, Y/N could see Dee and her companion off on the other side of the room, but continuing to look over in their direction. She didn’t want to spend the rest of the night exchanging accusing glances from across the room.

“Hey, you wanna take a walk? Get out of here for a minute?” she asked Jensen, just as the bartender refilled the shots.

“More than anything,” he said and tossed it back, Y/N doing the same.

Y/N was the one to take his hand this time and led him away from the ballroom.

It was mere minutes to midnight by the time Y/N had pulled Jensen away from the party. He was clearly more than a little buzzed when they stumbled into the elaborate game room and Y/N quietly closed the door behind them, so as not to draw attention to their departure.

She found the light switches on the wall, and turned on a few, illuminating the four corners of the club’s game room. The soft glow of the neon-lighted beer signs gave the space a warm, rich burst of color. In the middle, was a large pool table, made of dark mahogany wood and blue felt. The pockets were made of netted silk twine and gold inlaid etchings around the bumpers. On the far side of the room was a string of videos games with lifeless screens, and foosball table half draped with a soft leather cover.

More pool tables followed that, along with a collection of high top tables and chairs, a small bar that was fully stocked and four dart boards along the wall. One of which was open with all the darts still stuck in the corkboard target.

“Wanna play?” he asked, unbuttoning his jacket and shrugging it off before laying it on the pool table. He walked over to the board and removed the darts before she could answer.

“I gotta tell you, I am no good at darts. So, you best steer clear when it’s my throw,” she warned.

“I can teach you.” His smirk wasn’t even trying to be subtle as he approached her, four darts with red tails in his outstretched hand. “I’ve played a time or two.”

“Oh, I imagine you have. Something tells me you’ve done everything a time or two.”

Jensen stood next to her, leaning against the one pool table where the billiard lamp’s soft lights lit up the midnight blue felt. He rolled his neck to the side where she was and leaned down close enough that she could smell the hint of bourbon on his breath. Normally it wouldn’t be enticing, but on Jensen and in her own partially inebriated state, she let her mind wonder how it would taste off his tongue.

“Not everything,” he rasped, then gave her a wink.

Three minutes to midnight…

Pushing off the mahogany, he took a proper throwing stance and explained how to plant her legs. Y/N chuckled as he swayed a little before launching the dart at the board, striking the edge of it instead of the middle.

“That’s just a warm-up,” he scoffed, waving it off. “Let’s try that again.” He glanced over his shoulder to see her expression before launching a second dart.

Normally this is when she would look away. The more time they spent together, the more she found herself avoiding making eye contact in situations like this. She knew that one day she wouldn’t be able to look away, and unless she’d been reading the signals wrong for the entire span of their partnership, it would end up turning into something else. As much as she may want that, she didn’t know if she was ready for it.

“Ok Trix, your turn,” he said and took her hand, pulling Y/N off the edge of the table and positioning her to face the dart board. He made sure she was holding the dart correctly. “Pinch it here between these two fingers…” he configured her pointer finger and thumb on the dart. Gliding his hands down the length of her arm, she could feel him on her skin through the lace of her sleeve. When he paused at her elbow to bend it back at the right angle, his other hand gingerly touched the outside of her left leg. “Move your leg back, just a little,” he instructed, and as she did, he left his hand there, and despite the fabric of her dress between them, the heat of his hand felt warm and inviting.

Hyper aware of all the sensations her body was experiencing, she could feel herself simply melt back into him. The day’s earlier concerns weren’t gone but being wrapped up in the night as it had gone so far, Y/N pushed it all away to enjoy these quiet, close moments with Jensen. She needed it, and she suspected he did, too.

“Now, pull back your arm,” he continued, “almost like a slingshot. Okay? Then eye up on the board where you wanna aim for.”

She did as he said, closing one eye and targeted the bullseye. “Okay,” she said, biting down on her bottom lip in concentration.

One minute to midnight

The partygoers out in the rest of the clubhouse began to get louder with their anticipation of the stroke of midnight building. Y/N tried to block them out and launched the dart at the board. It wasn’t lost on her that Jensen’s hand was still hovering over her leg, and the other was now resting against her back where the dress she chose was bare of fabric.

The dart hit just off center, and she jumped up, arms raised in the air in triumph.

“Yes!” Jensen cheered and clapped as she danced around victoriously. “See that!”

“Well, the things you can do with a good teacher,” she shrugged.

From beyond the game room doors, they could hear everyone start counting down.

20...

19...

“It’s not too late to go join them,” she said and motioned towards the door.

17…

16…

“Here’s good,” he replied, the smile fading from his lips. He took a few steps towards her, and when he reached out for her hand, she gave it willingly.

14…

13…

12…

“Here’s very good,” she breathed.

Their eyes were locked, as the countdown continued from the other room. Y/N felt what he wanted from her, and despite any of the worries she had, she wanted him; denying that any longer would just be self-inflicted torture. But still… it could hurt.

10…

9…

8..

They were counting it down together. As the numbers dwindled down towards one, Jensen cupped her cheek and let his fingers slide down her jawline and onto her neck. Ever-so-lightly, she could feel his fingertips brush against her hairline at the nape of her neck, sending waves of electricity to course down every vein.

5…

4..

“Happy New Year, Y/N,” he rasped.

“Happy New Year, Jensen.” Her voice was shaking in anticipation of…

2..

1.

His mouth drifted the last couple inches to hers. By the time the rest of the party goers were hootin’ and hollerin’, shooting off poppers and kissing everyone around them, his lips touched against hers for the first time.

Everything faded; the party sounds, the soft hum of the circulating air in the game room, the fireworks going off in random places throughout the city… all either of them could sense was the other. Jensen’s fingers began to press into her neck, encouraging her closer, as her lips opened to accept more of him. A soft moan escaped her, as he walked her back up against the pool table. More than just a New Year’s tradition, this was months in the making and neither of them wanted to pull away.

Jensen’s lips were as soft and luscious as she dreamed they would be. She relished in how they formed against her own, how easily she moved along with them, and how well she fit when pressed against his body. His hand stayed gripped on her neck, while his other ran roughly down the length of her body; coming to rest just about where it had when they were throwing darts. Now, inch by inch he began to lift up the fabric of the skirt, bunching it in his hand until her flesh was exposed to the heat of his hand and the coolness of the air.

Lips parted, and the sensation of his tongue on hers was dangerous. Her head was fuzzy from the alcohol and his touch. Little gasps and moans came from both of them, as the kiss continued to deepen, finding more fuel the longer his hand pawed at her thigh.

His teeth grazed her lip and it was enough of a rush for her to break free of him and slowly roll back at the heat of his touch. Jensen didn’t waste a second and sunk his teeth into her neck while she wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders, dragging her nails against his skin. He nipped at her and trailed his tongue lightly up towards her ear, then peppering wet, lingering kisses back down towards her collarbone. Waves of goosebumps rippled beneath the lace of her dress and brought on a flush of heat between her legs.

Y/N mewed deeply, which pulled a soft growl from deep within his chest. His fingers continued to creep up her leg as the fabric now fell down around his hand, covering it. He reached the edging of the lingerie she wore beneath it, he brought his fingers to follow the hem around back to the swell of her ass, cupping it gently. Y/N felt him there and slowly raised her head back up, making him do the same.

“Jensen…” she whispered; unsure herself whether it was a plea to stop or to keep going.

Jensen closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers, desperately wanting to kiss her again, but not here. He wanted to be home, his or hers, with no onlookers or distractions. He wanted more… he wanted all of her…

He was about to go in for more when the doors opened behind him, the sound of which made them jump apart like two teenagers getting caught in the dark. She had a moment--it couldn’t have been more than that, though it felt like an eternity--where a very clear voice screamed in her head to run. This was wrong, she was drunk, he was drunk, they were in a public place, and she had no business starting something up with him.

The flood of anxiety-riddled doubts crashed into her and physically caused her to step back from him. She didn’t have time to register the hurt and confusion on his face before Y/N was turning and bolting for the door. Little hot pinpricks of tears stung at the corners of her eyes and by the time she reached the door and saw that it was Bri standing there, she could barely see anything at all.

“What happened?” Bri asked, her brow furrowed in concern when she saw how upset Y/N was. She looked across the room to where Jensen stood, still staring in confusion.

“Nothing… I just… can you please take me home?” Y/N’s voice was small, and her entire demeanor was far different than it had been ten minutes earlier.

“Uh, I--” Bri paused and looked back to Jensen again, who just shrugged. He started walking towards them and Bri just held up her hand to tell him to stop. She gently shook her head, silently asking him to give Y/N space. He stopped but Briana could see he wanted to go to Y/N. “Sure, honey. Let me just get my stuff.”

Bri wrapped an arm around Y/N’s shoulders and left the game room, and left Jensen standing there alone in it. As she walked with her new friend down the corridor, Y/N was aware that running out like that wasn’t the best plan; but she needed to get out. What happened with Jensen wasn’t anything like she expected it to be. It was far more intense and meaningful than she thought it could be. The way he touched her, kissed her… It was a game changer.

“Leaving so soon?” Gen asked as they passed her near the coat check.

Y/N tried to reply, but she was still trying to process what almost happened.

“She’s not feeling good,” Bri covered easily. “And I think stud muffin in there has had one too many to try and drive home. Would you and Jared take care of him? I got this one.”

“Of course! I’ll let him know you got Y/N home,” Gen said with a sad smile. “Hope you feel better!”

“Thanks,” Y/N replied quietly. “It was an amazing party, thank you for inviting me.”

Once the pleasantries were passed, Bri quickly shuffled Y/N to the valet stand and handed him the ticket. While they were waiting for her car to come around, she put an arm around Y/N’s shoulder.

“So, did it just get a whole lot more complicated?” she asked.

Y/N rested her head on Bri’s shoulder and sighed. “That, is the understatement of the New Year, my new friend.”

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[koalas-koalas-everywhere]

I can’t believe people actually blame Peter for being bullied

Listen, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend Peter didn’t have a rotten temper and couldn’t have done something to improve his high school experience, at least after the bite, but I am sick and tired of people (read: witers) claiming that he was even as much as half to blame. Heck, depending on the period of time we’re talking about, the only way for him to fit in might have been to compromise most of himself. Partly, this is because almost everything we see of his life in high school (that wasn’t written decades later, with the baggage of modern ideologies) is from after the bite, whether it is from the original period when he was going to high school or . This is what we see in Amazing Fantasy #15, before Peter got his powers.

People who claim Peter was at fault for how he was treated say he was given many chances to join the group, but here we see how he’s only considered because they need him, and even then, when Flash says no, they discard him completely. (Yeah, the bubbles on the middle and right are Flash and Liz respectively.)

Also, Peter heard that. Just so you know. Even if later he is invited somewhere, you think he’s going to forget that this is what they really think of him?

“Well, but Peter could still have tried to change their minds!!! Even if they might not reach out to him, it doesn’t mean he should push them away!!! He should have given them a chance and they would have been friendly to him!!!!”

Yeah. So friendly.

But, hey, people who’ve read early comics and have seen Peter in action will say, what we say happened did, too!

And yes it did! Check this out!

They did invite him to stuff, didn’t they? Isn’t this what he wanted? He should be happy! What happened? Well...

(Why is that picture so big?)

Some day arrived! And with it, Enough sense of self worth and dignity that Peter stopped chasing after people who didn’t want him there (and went on a power-trip that lasted him most of not all of his adolescence and so shaped him forevermore, but that’s a discussion for another time).

The next time we see him enteract with his peers is in ASM #1, in the third picture. Yeah, he really couldn’t go, and the others got a bit too pissed about his rejection considering he was only technically invited because the friend group probable consisted of most of the class. However, look at that face, he probably said it in a bitchy way. He was rejecting them, but why shouldn’t they, since they proved time and time again that they didn’t want him there, not even then, really, and wouldn’t even aknowledge that they treated him poorly?

Except. Except, out of nowhere people started being nice to him (I’m not discounting spider-hormones). That brunnette girl from the fifth pic? Actually called him Petey before Liz did, and, after Peter’s been defeated by Doc Ock for the first time, they’re just so nice to him, not even minding that he ignored them at first because he’s upset and distracted by the memory of Doc Ock bitch-slapping him, I guess. It wasn’t like that all the time, though.

Like, there’s Peter, staying in his lane, when they come up to him to annoy him (his tendency to then key the other person’s car, metaphorically of course, notwithstanding). And like this, we can find plenty of other examples.

Sooo... What’s the truth?

Well, out-of-universe, it was kinda forshadowed by the fourth pic, here’s one more to make it clearer.

Misunderstandings. Peter will do some thing or the other that, because he’s Spider-Man, will be a sacrifice to him, but, to those who don’t know that, will only make him look bad. Can’t go to the Spider-Man show? It’s because he’s Spider-Man, but his classmates will think he’s just anti-social and sees himself as better than them. Has to leave a potentially dangerous group activity? It’s because he’s Spider-Man and has to be ready tosave people, but people will think he’s scared (which, by the way, was like a death sentence back then. If any of you time travel to the 60′s and someone calls you a coward, or yellow, punch them in the face. It will be the appropiate reaction). Doesn’t get to his meeting with Aunt May to reconciliate with her on time? It’s because he’s Spider-Man, and he had reason to suspect a murderous villain was about to attack, so he went after him, only to find a less efficient but even more murderous villain he had to fight, but his Aunt and her boyfriend didn’t know that, so they think he just doesn’t care about her.  (This, by the way? Tends to happen with readers, too.)

It’s to show that being Spider-Man isn’t all fun and games, even outside of risking his life. That was the novelty of Spider-Man, the balance of super-heroism and day-to-day life, which would often get unbalanced. So, the purpose of having scenes where his classmates are nice to him was to show the sacrifices Peter had to make to be Spider-Man. 

In-universe? It has to do with the exact kind of bullying I think Peter went through. 

First off, I don’t think he was physically attacked. Modern (and by this I mean stuff from the 90′s forward) tend to go “oh, he was, bullied, ok, let’s roll”* and go with what their preferred version of bullying, especially that between a nerd and a jock, which is the jock beating the nerd up, but, except for one flashback from a school reunion annual from the 70′s, I think, we don’t have evidence of Peter being beat up, and the guys there weren’t Flash. Except for a few shoves, that one time he told Peter to meet him after school and that one time they arranged a boxing match (see what I mean when I say punching people in the face was an appropiate response? The teacher literally let them go into the ring and punch their mad off), Flash doesn’t seem to be physically agressive with Peter, although, to be fair, he does threaten him with violence often, and often the only reason they don’t fight is because Liz interrupts them. Like I said, though, this is from after Peter got his powers, and all those times he’s matching Flash step by step, so, maybe, he wouldn’t have dared to stand up to him before, so things wouldn’t have escalated as much (btw, this isn’t me blaming Peter, Flash is the one who keeps provoking him, Peter’s just... too damn easy to provoke after the bite). 

Here’s what I think it was like before the bite:

His main bully was Flash, the rest followed his lead. It is a take on the kind of power and responsabilities that come from being popular. Flash, who has his own problems at home, takes it out on Peter because 1) he’s different. The issue which triggered this whole rant, WoS #35, said that his medal, even six years after he won it, was the only science award his school had ever won. This means not only that it will make it easy to find something to mock about him which will get others to join in, it’s also 2) unlikely someone else will orbit to him, someone who might not be so different and might defend him, and convince other to do so as well. 3) Flash is jealous, (certainly) because of Peter’s good relationship with his “parents”, (later on) because Liz will prefer him over Flash, and (probably) of his aptitude for academics, which isn’t only good in and of itself, it also gets him in the good graces of their teachers (like, in ASM #26, after Peter claims to have been the one to start a fight, Flash confesses it was him and the principal is ACTUALLY GLAD. IMAGINE). This probably mixes up with 1), because both of them have to do with approval from adults, which is something he would especially crave because his dad is an abusive asshole and his mom won’t defend him, while he’s liked and/or feared enough to be the most popular guy in school. 

So, Flash picks Peter as his main target. Although he might get physically rough with him sometimes, when he thinks he’s stepping out of line (which for Flash would mean any and all attempts on Peter’s part to be included or liked, as shown in the pictures), I think that when he picked on Peter it was mostly verbally. However, it got out of hand because Flash was the most popular guy at school. He was the leader, so when he did something, people backed him up. Look at the first picture. The first guy innocently suggested that they ask Peter to join them in a dance, and Flash cuts him down immediately (granted, he’s probably right) and Liz, who’s the most popular girl, backs him up. No one’s going to go against them. Like, people have the right to dislike others, even if they’re not bad people, and Flash and Liz do, too. It’s just that, because they have social power, people will follow their lead, and Flash especially will usually go out of his way to pick on Peter.

Flash forward, however, and people start being nice to him. What happened? Well, they grew up (as much as a 15-17 yo is expected to grow). There is a group of guys who back Flash’s bullying to the end, but some others stop following him like sheep even before Liz decides Peter’s not that bad. So, some will be friendly to him, while some will still pick on him. Seems all in all allright, right?

Except it comes a little too late, because when Peter got his powers, in his mind he overcame what they’d convinced him were his short-comings, so he actually starts seeing himself as better than all of them. Up until that moment, what he’d seen was that the power that counted rested in strength and in popularity, (Flash was powerful, because he was popular, because he was strong - like, at that moment he wasn’t even the one who had to struggle with finances, his only problem was that he was ostracized at school and lonely) so when he became Spider-Man, a sensation because of his powers, he thought he’d become more powerful than them. In a way, it freed him from them, he didn’t have to ask anything of them anymore. I think it’s well explained in this panel, from after the FF wrongly accused him of being a criminal because the press said so (guilty of crimes other than breaking and entering into the Baxter Building) (and mild battery, although everyone participated in a bit of that. Actually, and without taking away from the fact that getting into the BB like he did was so dumb oh my god Peter you don’t do that, he wasn’t even the one who threw the first punch, he was mostly avoiding the FF’s attacks. Like, the exact count was one punch or shove to the Thing and one webbed hand to Reed).

(WHY is it so big?)

... forgive him for being a drama queen, he’s fifteen, he’ll grow out of it, mostly.

But yeah, the first bubble? I suspect that, while it was all the negative press that pushed it out, he’s been thinking that about people for a long while. The second part, that came to be after he got bitten. He stopped seeking approval because he was convinced he could pave his own path, with his own power. However, he also stopped being receptive to approval, especially from certain people. 

So, thinking of Peter’s bullying in high school as a cycle is faulty, since the first evidence we have of him even talking back when someone’s picking on him, let alone push someone away when they’re being nice, instead of actively seeking friendship, is after the bite, when his ostracization had already started. Actually, my memory might be faulty, but the only time he rejects an invitation to a group outing and it’s not because he has to be Spider-Man (which includes “I can’t go  bc I have to do Spider-Man things” AND, as the ninth picture shows, “I actually came, but I have to leave now to do Spider-Man things”) is when Liz started crushing on him and invites him to party, and even Liz admits they had it coming. Actually, Liz is the only person shown to admit that their previous treatment of him was wrong, so she’s the only one (of the ones who actively mocked him, the rest were just doing their thing) who, in my opinion, deserved to be forgiven... and she was. 

*Seriously, interpretations about how his life in high school nowadays are basically “well, Peter, you didn’t give them a chance when they tried to approach after years of isolation, how do you expect them not to mock you, belittle you, avoid you and tell their friends to do the same???” to “everyone in that school will grow up to be a psycopath, poor Peter, he gets beat up everyday by everyone” which is... also not something I agree with.

P.S.:Also, something for fic writers, understanding that everyone can do what they want, this is just a pet peeve of mine and I have no authority to stop anyone from writing anything. Just... I read a fanfic the other day, a high school AU, in which Peter had the same characterization as he did in the comics when he was that age, (or maybe even worse, because he was rude to Aunt May, which is... something Peter would never do??? Lie to her? Guiltily, yes. Accidentally hurt her because he’s Spider-Man so he keeps secrets and isn’t as reliable as he was once? Yeah, it’s been known to happen, but talk back to her???) even though he’d had friends all his life and just... no. Anger IS a big part of Peter’s character, especially when he’s younger, but a lot if not all of that comes from the fact that he’s been a victim for so long with no support system aside from his Aunt and Uncle. He is explosive, yes, so a bad temper would not be out of place, but he’s not naturally an asshole. Actually, and I’ve seen enough to know this is an unpopular opinion, while Peter might overreact a lot, he won’t actually bite someone’s head off just for looking at him funny. He’s actually not even the kind of person who’ll punch the wall between his apartment and yours when you've been singing loudly and off-key for several nights and keeping him from sleeping. Except in extreme circumstances, and though he might blow things out of proportion, he’ll go off on you only if you’ve poked him. If he’s going through bad times, the kind of thing that really weight on your mind even when you’re not actively thinking about it, yes, he’s the worst. Especially because one bad thing will affect him enough that either because he’s distracted or because he’s on edge, he’ll mess up with something else, and things will keep piling up on his plate, partly because he has a truly tragic life and bad luck, partly because he’s too overwhelmed about the things that are going wrong to fix or avoid what could go wrong next, and he’ll be snappy and rude and push people away accidentally or because he thinks he’s helping them, which will make things even worse. But, like I said, this isn’t normal. This is Peter Parker at his very worst.

We don’t see it much, because we’re reading only what will make a story, which is what has conflict, but a content Peter has been described as having a sunny disposition and being friendly as a puppy, and even when held and drugged against his will in a mental institution he’s (rightfully) suspicious of, his nurse describes him as gentle. Like, even if you want to say that it’s all tell and no show because it’s only what other characters have said of him, I’ll say 1) I said that we don’t see it often, not that we don’t see it at all and 2) a character is built by what they do, what they say and what others say of them.

There have been some huge misconceptions of the character, along the lines of MCU Peter Parker, but the course correction made it go too far to the other side.

[jackblankhsh]

Why I Quit -- Santa’s Elf

"In my Mom's rendition, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer eventually goes on a rampage, beating elves to death with his hooves, and disemboweling reindeer with his antlers. As for Santa, well, lemme just say ho-ho-holy shit.  Thing is I can't help thinking she taught me the right & wrong lesson with her variation.  

 "Allow me to elaborate.

 "Nothing motivates a person to grasp at any job like a looming eviction that'll cast one out into Chicago winter.  It is a wicked season.  Polar bears stalk the streets.  Great glacial mounds dot the city wherever the homeless, huddled together for warmth, have frozen into human icebergs.  And always there those driven mad by cabin fever who turn into winter banshees, their screams echoing down the icy streets.  

 "Call me a coward, but I've lived here long enough to know better than risk Winter on the streets. So, following the word of a grape vine bird, I went to the Brick House Diner.  There I found Chari chowing down on a burrito.  

 "Chari is a queen in the skin grift game commonly known as stripping, though she prefers the term gash flasher.  Folks often misperceive Chari, given that she spells 'Cherry' C-H-A-R-I; however, she's certainly innovative.  Consider how she alters her act for holidays.  Around Easter she dances as Bunny, near the Fourth of July she's Booty Ross, and close to Giftmas she's Mary Christmas -- 'merry' spelled M-A-R-Y.

 "We met at a bachelor party.  When the groom asked if Chari might be inclined to acts other than sexy dancing she rewarded those hooker implications by performing an act of surra de bunda so severe it broke his nose and gave him a concussion.  Always respect a woman who can use her butt as a wrecking ball.

 "After the usual chit-chat kindling we fired up the real conversation.  

 'I heard you know about a job.'

 "She nodded, 'You know I pick up all kindsa stuff.  Guys think they're impressing me, or some shit.  Can't complain though.  My stock portfolio is crazy good.'

 "Fishing in her purse she produced a pamphlet.  Passing it across she said, 'I think the guy who gave me this was thinking like save the stripper, or whatever.'

 "I chuckled, 'The ol' respectable job angle.'

 "She smirked, 'Like I'll be so grateful I'ma just have to suck his dick.'

 "I said, 'Well, as a man, I can say we're raised with the grateful BJ delusion.'

 "She rolled her eyes, 'Oh please, you believe it because you want it to be true.  Ain't no different than Jesus saves.'

 "Glancing over the pamphlet I said, 'Speaking of grateful oral...'

 "She said, 'Don't be getting ideas.  This is me paying you back.  That bachelor party was gonna kill me.  Besides.' She smirked, 'I think you'll be an adorable elf.'

 "The next day I found myself in the beige office of a mall manager in Niles.  After introducing myself we stared at each other in silence for well over a minute.  I think he kept expecting to pull off my face, revealing Chari beneath a mask, and his pornographic fantasies of gratitude would come to life.

 "Finally, playing off that note, I said, 'So about this job, Chari said I'd be a good fit.'

 "He nodded, 'It's not hard.  Tricky part is whether you like kids.  You like kids?'

 "A few years back I attended a family gathering.  The three year old crotch fruit I'm supposed to call my nephew got to its feet.  The whole family cheering it on my brother's rat child started baby-staggering towards me. Arms spread wide it giggled. Leaping off the couch I shouted, 'Not today Satan!' and punted it across the room.  (I may've been drinking.)  

 "As such, I informed the manager, 'I know how to handle kids.'

 'Okay.  Let's get your costume.'

 "I shuddered. Though aware of this aspect of the job I didn't look forward to it.  I've often had vivid nightmares about a sweaty Walt Disney furiously masturbating to forlorn actors sadly donning the mouse costume.  

 "The manager said, 'Follow me.'  

 "He led the way through a network of halls behind the shops taking us to a locker room. While he searched for a box containing my costume I waved to a maintenance worker in overalls.  

 "The maintenance guy said, 'What they rope you into doin'?'

 'Elf.'

 "He grimaced, 'You let me know when you wanna die.  I'll kill ya.  Did it for the last guy.  Least I can do, ya poor bastard.'  

 "Right away, I liked him.  

 "The manager returned carrying a battered cardboard box.  Handing it over he said, 'Put this on then go to the middle of the mall.  Santa's there.  You can't miss it.'

 "Opening the box I sighed heavily.  Inside I found red tights, a green short sleeved shirt, and a red and white striped long sleeve shirt as well as a pointy green cap, and a set of fake points for my ears.  Everything smelled like diseased feet, and the points felt like uncooked chicken. Yet, I soon found myself transformed into an elf.  

 "Walking the mall is like roaming the belly of a beached whale.  The labored breathes of certain patrons even helps conjure a vivid image of the leviathan struggling to breath as its own weight crushes it out of existence.  Meanwhile, despite everything in a state of slow decay, creeping towards death, delusions of survival abound like the leather store believing yalmukes will save the dying retailer, or the lingerie shop's unsettling new line of preteen thongs. Like dynamiting a beached whale it would be merciful to burn this place down.

 "I spotted the ersatz Santa village long before I reached it.  It appeared to be constructed on a budget of zero fucks, and discarded pizza boxes.  Buildings, particularly Santa's workshop, stood so crooked they must've been constructed by a German expressionist.  In front of it all sat Santa, enthroned on a thrift store recliner spray painted gold.

 "Next to him stood a perky albino asparagus who introduced himself as, 'Todd.'

 "Santa introduced himself as Santa.

 "I said, 'I see we're going method.'

 Todd beamed, 'If it makes the kiddies happy that's cool.'  If he smiled any wider his head would've come out his mouth.  

 Slapping a nicotine patch on Santa said, 'Lez do dis.'

 "And so it began... a job that made me want to smoke heroin out of a shotgun, get a nice double barrel overdose going.

 #

 "Later, unprompted, Santa said, 'Been doin' this job fer-fuckin'-ever.  Started when my bitch wife took off with the kids, and I was missing children, which is something never thought I'd say.  So I was like, "Mall Santa!"'

 'Why'd she leave?' I asked.  

 "He shrugged, 'I's fucking our neighbor, and that asshole got it in his head I wanted him to kill her.  So there was this whole misunderstanding.  Oh, hold up.'

 "Todd lifted an approaching child into Santa's lap.  The kid stared in wide eyed wonder.    

 "'Hello little boy!' Santa said, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

 'I wanna thister.'

 'Then send us your mom,' I said.

 "Santa choked down a laugh.  He told the kid he'd see what he could do, but if there was anything else, say a toy of some kind... but the boy insisted on a sister.  

 "Todd snapped the kid's photo with a digital camera.  Then I helped the boy down.  Delivering him back to his parents I asked if they wanted to buy the photo.  Like most they declined having already snapped pics with smart phones like the cheap bastards they are.  The same way they used Santa as a scapegoat, blaming him when they couldn't afford gifts for their kids.

 "So it went, eight hours a day for the next twelve days.  

 "Occasionally packs of mallrats tried to storm Santa's village.  This usually involved Goth kids screaming about Krampus.  We kept giant fake candy canes at the ready, and though bludgeoning teenagers is always a perk, it made the job feel worse afterward.  Those battles sent me to such dizzying heights the drop back to reality felt like orbital skydiving -- too much time to fully consider the fall.  

 "Todd, on the other hand, possessed a mystifying ability to always smile.  After one fight he said, 'That young fella had some skills. Good for him.'

 I said, 'Maybe next time he'll kill you.'

 'Then he'll be a winner!' Todd said.  Watching him bandage himself with wrapping paper and gauze, I considered stealing a pinch; suspecting I could get a cheery high sucking on Todd's bloody gauze.  

 "But most days belonged to managing the slow procession of beaming children accompanied by bored adults lobotomized by parenthood.  

 "In the locker room one night a gruff voice asked, 'You wanna die?'

 "Startled I leapt forward bouncing hard off my locker.  Spinning around I found the maintenance guy standing directly behind me.

 "I said, 'Not yet. Things are okay... I guess.'

 "He nodded, 'When you're ready, say the word.  You won't even know I'm coming.  Just.' He snapped his fingers, 'Lights outs.'

 'I don't doubt it,' I replied, 'Hey, I'm just here until I've got enough to buy a gun.  Then I can rob a bank like someone who still has their dignity.'

 'Like Todd,' he said.

 "Todd having dignity proved hard for me to swallow.  For instance, his frog eyed crotch stared down kids all day, and despite even the most direct statements he never did a thing about his huge man-el toe. Yet, it does take a stalwart individual to be so... Todd.  Like physics, and voluntary celibacy, optimists have never made sense to me.  Despite whatever obvious negativity I sent his way Todd remained a prince of the bright side.  Some days my only motivation for work orbited some contrived scheme to break Todd's smile, yet I slowly began enjoying his immutable nature -- the seemingly eternal persistence of his mood.  

 "The maintenance guy's words echoing in mind, I started seeing Todd in a new light. Instead of a silver lining seeking lunatic I started seeing a young man impervious to the world's woes.  Of course, I harbored doubts.  Perhaps in private he metamorphosed into a snarling bitter dick, a speculation I held on to until one fateful day.

 "Close to the end of work we let our guard down.  We each wanted to go home for our own reasons.  Santa had been peed on four times; it being payday meant I was anxious to get my drink on; and Todd wanted to hurry home to make a gingerbread house for his grandma.  We didn't notice the circling, growing Krampus kult clad in black... until it was too late.  

 "A wiry teen jumped atop the phone case kiosk.  

 "Holding high an ornate, impractical dagger he bellowed, 'Death to the red lie!'

 "And then the stygian tsunami came from all directions.  Surrounded, we didn't stand a chance.  Still, we fought the good fight.  At one point I frantically threw children at the legion of incoming Goths, bowling them over.  Santa put on a pair of reindeer antlers, and charged into the swarm head first. Anytime I saw a piercing I grabbed it, and pulled hard as I could.  

 "About to be overwhelmed I shouted, 'Robert Smith is dead.'  As the swarm paused to check their phones I used that as our chance to flee.

 "Grabbing Santa I said, 'We gotta go!'

 'Ho-ho-hold up,' he stammered, 'Where's Todd?'

 "I saw him lying face down.  Shoving Santa to kick start his exodus, I hurried over.  Scooping up Todd I fireman carried him back to the locker room where I dropped him unceremoniously on the ground.

 "Gasping, I declared for the millionth time in my life, 'I gotta quit smoking.'

 "Then I noticed a pool of blood spreading from Todd.  Rolling him over revealed a set of pentagram themed shuriken stuck in his back. It didn't look good.  Also, it's entirely possible when I dropped him I may have inadvertently driven them deeper into Todd.

 "Kneeling beside him I lied, 'You're going to be okay.'

 "Todd said, 'As long as the kids are happy.'

 "Then he died. Smiling.  Later I watched the maintenance guy mop up his blood, erasing what was left of Todd, save for a vague stain on the locker room floor.  The next day I arrived to find a doughy guy in the locker room struggling into the elf costume.  It'd been washed, but there were still holes in the back.  

 "Wrestling with the tights the guy said, 'This fuckin' shit better be worth it.'

 "Seeing that sourness, I told the new guy, 'When you the manager come around, tell him I quit.'

 "Chicago winter isn't the worst thing in the world... like Rudolph, Todd was born with a gift people didn't appreciate until they needed it.  To see him replaced so easily, well, frankly your honor, that's why I burned down the mall."

[guidingthulite]

A, B!!!, J, L, N, P, Q, R, S, T, Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLS TELL oof i love ur writing!!

OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN THANKS EMY!!!

aaaaa you love my writing? i’m so happy to hear that

A: Your current OTP.

HAMAHAYA. HAMAHAYA BIG TIME. And also lowkey Ishimondo but HamaHaya is my main one!!! I love them so much and I have so many headcanons and stories for them!!! That’s kinda why I want to put them on poly relationships? Like I want these relationships to be explored but I can’t take them away from each other

B: A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind.

I haven’t considered Yuuichi ² (and i refuse to call it any other way) but man did you change my mind. Did you.

Also there was this one time I just liked MasaHika as a BROTP but then @producktions and my brother came and… I surrendered :’D

J: Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr.

Oh, Voltron definitely! I saw all this fanart, and fics and stuff and all I knew it was filed under ‘gays in space’, but then @justanothermatsugirl and @srta-double invited me to watch and… Porntron came to be. And Porntron is the best thing. Ever.

L: Your favorite fanartist/author gives you one request, what do you ask for?

It depends? I usually try to make both of us happy when it comes to requests, for example, if that person likes, say, HamaHaya but I feel like I want HamaKura I will ask them for HamaHaya anyways because 1. HAMAHAYA and 2. Maybe they will put more feel into the art!!! And what is most important of art is the feelings that it is put into it! Best art is the art you can tell the author put all their heart on~!

but if i could choose anything, give me the hamahayakuraminamana, you cowards

N: Your favorite fandom (for the people; not the thing you fangirl over).

Um… Is it normal I want to say the MOTHER fandom on 2014? Especifically on DA. It was like a tiny family… Everyone knew each other. Everyone was nice with each other. It was so nice. But now everyone parted ways and I have no idea where everyone is. Most left DA (and so did I) and I can’t help but wonder where they are. But my current fandom is really nice too… It’s like a family, too… Sometimes.

P: Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

Lately I’ve been thinking about a Go Ares AU a lot and hamano goes to tengawara for obvious reasons but that’s kinda boring so I gotta think about something more interesting >:3c

Kind of a joke AU, but still:

Have you guys ever heard about ~LA FERIA~? It’s like this weird Spanish thing we have. Everyone dances and sings these lame guitar songs which are mostly like aAAAAaAAAaaaYYYYYYYY @loreprotectionsquad can confirm BUT! that’s not the interesting thing! The interesting thing about Feria is that we basically get a mini amusement park on our town, just because! 

So my brother and I thought about some Go kids there and it just…

Hamano gets Kurama a giant Snake plush and he tries to ride on a… Ride with it and it almost slips out but he clings to it and manages to save it. Hamano thinks it’s adorable. Kurama swears he’ll kill him if he tells someone. Hamano promised Hayami he’d get a plushie for him too, but he is unable (because you can only win one plush per day) so Hayami gets a dolphin plush for him. Imagine Hayami walking around with two overly joyful boyfriends clinging to their giant plushies. Goals.

Kirino and Shindou ride on the ferris wheel which they don’t set up anymore, but still. and Ibuki tries to climb it but fails (?

Shinsuke rides on some dinosaur themed train, and there’s clowns with balloons and stuff you can snatch from them. He gets a plastic axe. Which are super hard to get i need to tell you the story of how i got one when i was like 8. it was so stupid it’s funny He somehow convinces Tsurugi to ride too, while Tenma and Aoi look at them. They have become the ultime balloon snatchers. No one can stop them. Aoi and Tenma are so proud.

Taiyou comes, sees Tenma and waves at him, approaching him. Then all of the sudden, Fuyuka comes rushing after him, and tells Tenma that ‘Taiyou should be in right now, sorry for the inconvenience’ and picks him by the stomach (you know… like a kitten, with her arm around his torso? you get me, right?) while Taiyou tries to escape, but fails.

Kariya and Hikaru try to hide from Hiroto and Midorikawa, who have come with them, but Kariya wants some time alone, while they want to take pics of everything they do, basically.

Something about Yukimura and Fubuki was mentioned, along with Kishibe and Aphrodi, but I don’t remember ;v; Also, Amagi going with Mahoro and Yukie, and all of the third years (Minamisawa as well, for some reason) going together too.

My brother kinda dislikes Galaxy (except Tetsukado, Kusaka and Konoha) so I’ll do their stuff myself.

Minaho and Manabe compete to see who will get more plushies. They only get one keychain working together. They give it to the first team member that they see because they don’t know who should keep it.

But that was after the previously mentioned day, so the Second Year Trio got them plushies instead (they got the hang of one game and they WILL make the most of it. And, they have to help a boyfriend out, right?

So they spend the rest of the festivity together. And they have fun and stuff.

There’s one ride with horses. Konoha spends 98/100 there. Otherwise, she wouldn’t come. It’s so noisy, and crowded…

Kusaka comes and goes to check on her. He can’t ride on most… Rides (this is redundant) anyways. He’s too tall.

Tetsukado and Hamano competed to see who was better at Duck-Fishing. Let’s just say that Shinsuke and Hamano’s boyfriends came home with lots of plushes and prices…

Sakura aced all the games. How did she manage, no one knows (she was, in fact, the first one Minaho and Manabe offered the keychain to. But she rejected it and got two super sparkly keychains for them instead. Minaho and Manabe offered it anyways in exchange but she said that it was nothing and that they should keep the one they got.

Matatagi showed his brothers the place and rode on some rides (seriously how is this so redundant). Eventually they joined the Plushie Fest. Matatagi’s brothers cheered. He, not so much, not when he had to carry around giant plushies for the rest of the day, as his brothers were too busy exploring around.

I think that’s all??? Am I forgetting someone? except zanakurou but i don’t know what to do with him. he dances sevillanas. i don’t know. sorry darling

Oh, yeah, and there’s also this AU my brother and I made in which Kurama is a time traveler and quite literally Hamano and Hayami’s son (he has a big sister named Estrella but that’s for another time) and he has come because their parents were too slow too realize they had feelings for each other and he fears for his existence and his sister’s (???

Q: A ship you’ve abandoned and why.

Can you believe I used to ship Min/////a/kura? But, to be honest, I didn’t know what that was. I just found some comic of them and I thought it was cute. Then I got more into InaEle, and well…

I’m saying that one because I can’t think of anything else XD

R: A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships.

The Kurama multiship fest, which I will proceed to explain, even though the first one is sorta popular, but still:

Hamano and Hayami, because I saw HamaKura and I thought it was really cute! (when i got used to kurama, at first i didn’t like him but i found hamahayakura and i went ‘eeeeeeeehhh’ but you already know that story) then I thought of HamaHaya + HamaKura and Hayami just got into the package for some reason XD

Hikaru, because I was salty I didn’t ship him with Minamisawa and I wanted to ship him with someone but I didn’t know who, then he had a little scene with Hikaru on the games (when they go look for Shinsuke or something) and a lightbulb light up on my head

Tenma because, honestly, how can you have someone you ship with everyone but not Tenma? Plus it’s cute. 

Tsurugi because I saw somebody posting drawings of them and I went ‘hey they cute’ and that’s all. also the fandom team might or might not had something to do with it

Kariya because they had this scene when they went to China on CS that i don’t even remember but what i do remember is my brother asking me why i wasn’t saying anything about the ship, and i went ‘well, i don’t, BUUUUUUUUUT’ and so it started.

Minaho because, and listen well because this one is weird, I was in class, and I was bored, and I decided to make quadrants for some InaEle characters, I started by Minaho and went ‘huh so, Moirail, Manabe, Matesprit, Manabe, Kismesis, Manab-wait’ so I decided to crack it up a bit and now it was ‘Moirail, Hamano, Matesprit, Manabe’ but I wanted to give him a Kismesis (that could’ve been perfectly Matatagi, but I didn’t think of that because I’m dumb) (also read: a love rivalry more or less) so I gave him Kurama. THEN I played BigBang and they had a small interaction and since back then I couldn’t even read Hiragana I don’t know what they said but Kurama made a sad face afterwards so I take it as I was right

Fei because Kurama learns Bouncer Rabbit on Galaxy (actually the two-people version. He does it with Hamano because I’m obvious) and also Fei stole his number, now Kurama has to steal something back (???

Taiyou because on my CS game Kurama, Taiyou and Hikaru always do hissatsus together on the random thing (that makes also Sakura and Matatagi do Butterfly Dream together all the time for some reason. Which is funny because I lowkey shipped it before starting Galaxy) so I got used to seeing them together.

Ibuki because my brother always calls them losers (he’s a bit mean sometimes, but I love him ;v;) so I started relating them n stuff.

Hakuryuu because my brother and I have this thing called the ‘Spammer Club’ which is for characters that say other character’s name a lot. We have Hakuryuu (who we jokingly call churugispammer) Miyasaka, Ibuki, Hakuryuu and Kurama got in too for some reason. So yeah. It happened. N stuff.

Also I brotp him with Kinako, but I brotp Kinako with everyone.

S: What’s a headcanon you have?

Hmm… I headcanon that out of the Second Year Trio, only Hamano has siblings (2 sisters, him being the middle sib- and no that’s not me self projecting ok) 

Hayami has mentioned more than once on the games that he wants to be a scientist, and I headcanon that it’s because his mother is! Which also means she’s super busy most of the time. So Hayami is quite dependent, but he can’t cook for his life. Hamano is surprisingly okay at cooking, and he’s learning to bake.

Also, Hayami really likes penguins for some reason.

T: What are your favorite male/male ships or female/female ships?

Ack, that’s a hard one ;v;

- Male/Male - (to keep things fresh from 3 diff fandoms each)

Hamano/Hayami (Inazuma Eleven)

Ishimaru/Oowada (Danganronpa)

Killua/Gon (HxH) 

Shu/Valt (Beyblade Burst)

Hau/Gladion (Pokémon)

- Female/Female -

Diana/Akko (Little Witch Academia) (i gotta continue it sob aaa)

Ootani/Anna (Inazuma Eleven)

Moon/Lillie (Pokémon)

Z: What’s a ship that you want to ship publicly, but everyone on tumblr hates it so you keep your mouth shut about it?

Ahahah, what are you talking about [hides my polyship mess under a rug] it is not much that they hate it, just that no one is interested XD

[skgway]

1823 Aug., Sat. 23

6 20/60

11 50/60

1/4 hour in the stable. Sat down at my writing desk at 7 3/4. Wrote the rough draft of the following which I am now going to copy at half past three in the afternoon –

This 3 step-business haunts me like a spectre – I cannot throw it off my mind: it is my 1st thought in a morning, and last at night – It teems with reflections that discomfort me. Alas, it was not a trial of temper that I could have borne it, was one of heart. My love was plaintiff, and reason mourned to give high damages that neither time, nor she that did them, can repay.I was really distressed etc. (103.22)  

There is a mock kindness in this that sickens me. Has she deceived herself? Perhaps she understood not her own motives? Nay, might start to hear they were the mere paltry selfishness, of coward fear, and shame; shame that prouder circumstances do not attend me, fear lest such unschoo[l]ed nature should betray us had I driven up in my own chaise, and fear I might have stepped with impunity heedless of the worlds opinion or the postboys wonder. But she is worldly, therefore she is selfish. She had a feeling she could not describe. She is worldly. It is the generic character of “us poor humans.” Oh visit it not too harshly, excuse and pity and forgive –

Wrote the last 14 lines of the last page and wrote a page to Dr. Belcombe, rejoicing at the good account of him I had from M– [Mariana] yesterday, and to say I had sent him a brace of moorgame (killed on the 20th) by today’s mail – (Mr. Wiglesworth sent my uncle a leash of birds last night) –

Went down to breakfast at 9 35/60 – William having to go a 2nd time to H–x [Halifax], sent by him my letter to Dr. B– [Belcombe] (Petergate York) to the post-office, and the birds (packed in a box with a little hop under each wing) to go by the afternoon’s mail –At 11, drove my aunt to H–x [Halifax], called (stopt at the gate) at Savile hill to ask if Mrs. W– [Wilcock] and Miss P– [Pickford] were returned – Saw the latter, she will drink tea here this evening –

Thence drove my aunt to about 1/2 mile beyond Luddenden-foot in returning got out for 5 minutes at Longbottom to see the old hall, galleried round, no chamber over it, a four-tier window – Having been out 2 50/60 hour, and gone about 11 miles, about the same distance we went yesterday –

Came upstairs immediately – Wrote the following to “Mr. Radford 188 Fleet Street London Postage Paid” 

“Sir – if you turn to your day-book of Wednesday 2 October 1822, you will find an anonymous entry of a lady’s measure for a great coat – I wish you to make me a fashionable one according to that measure, of good and strong materials, sufficiently wide in the sleeves to be easy over my pelisse, and not cramp my arms in driving –

I understood your charge to be 5 guineas – I will pay you immediately on receiving the coat, which I particularly wish to be sent off not later than this day-week or tomorrow-week, by one of the coaches, directed Miss Lister, Shibden hall, Halifax, Yorkshire –

I am, sir, your honourable servant Anne Lister” –

Then went down for 1/4 hour into the stable – Found Mr. Walker (Crownest) just mounting his horse after calling on my uncle – Came upstairs again at 2 50/60 wrote the whole of the above of today which took me till 4 10/60 –

Sent my letter to Radford (vide the 9th line above) by Cordingley at 3 1/2 – Promised to meet Miss P– [Pickford] at Whitley’s at 5 – Almost all the way this morning, and yesterday, and perpetually besides, talking of my uncle’s being bothered, not able to save much, how poor we are and always have been, our ideas above our means etc. etc. My aunt nervous, tears starting in her eyes. Who that sees me could guess all this? Alas, who dreams that such pecuniary troubles thus beset me? How little even π [Mariana] divines the difficulties that beset me. Surely times will mend with me by and by –

I am just shutting up my book at 4 1/4 – At 4 35/60 sauntered with my aunt to the end of the new road, and thence direct (by myself) to Whitley’s – Miss P– [Pickford] came in 5 minutes we pursued the Northowram road as far as Godley turned up the fields to the bottom of our lane, and then went by Lower brea and Mitholm, and aloud the road home, and came in at 6 1/4 –

Miss P– [Pickford] staid till 9 1/4. I then walked home with her in 40 minutes down the new bank and up North parade, (waited at the gate while George went and rapped at the door, and returned up the old bank in 24 minutes, and came in at 10 19/60 – Talked in our usual style, her friend's affairs, past retrieving. She, Miss Threlfall, has not always been quite candid with Pic about them. It would have been better if she had. She did not know they were so very bad till quite lately. 

I recommended arresting and sending her to the King’s bench vide the arguments of what I wrote last Sunday. Talked of my wish to see them together and that I would go over from Manchester after leaving π [Mariana] there. Afterwards gave this up because Mrs. Alexander is going with Miss Wilson to Dublin next April. Pic means to have her house full of her own particular friends and I promised to go over for a day or two if I could. 

Just before parting I said Miss Threlfall had lost herself very much, that the disgrace of going to the bench could could not be greater than what she now incurred, that Pic suffered in reputation too by so supporting such a person. It was a serious business. Pic ought to settle it one way or other. Miss Threlfall laid herself open to many disagreables [disagreeables]. 

I myself, if I should meet with her and wanted a little fun, should think her fair game. Should have bevaved [behaved] very differently to her if she had not been Pic’s friend. Not with that respect I should now endeavour to shew. Hinted that on this account, going over to see her would not be quite the thing and not every[one] would do it. 

Said of course they still slept in the same room. ‘Yes.’ I remarked that servants made observations etc. etc. and these things added to Pic’s uncommon friendship in money matters etc. would make the world talk if she did not take care. She owned she had minded this too little perhaps. Nay, it would seem most likely they have already been talked of more than agreeable or perhaps quite respectable. 

I must be cautious. It would not do to have my name linked with theirs. Asked if anything happened to her, if Pic could get over it. ‘Yes, but it would be with difficulty.’ She is in no immediate danger, but the spine is injured above and below. Thrown out of a curricle. Sesides [Besides] a strain in reaching a book she told me of before. ‘Sometimes,’ said I, ‘it is a mercy when it pleases heaven to take people.’ ‘Ah,’ said she, ‘I have sometimes thought so, and that there was nothing else for it.’ –

Rather threatening rain in the morning and dullish; and very sultry from about 12 to 2 – Yet a fine day – Very-fine afternoon and beautiful moonlight evening. Barometer 3/4 degrees below changeable Fahrenheit 57º at 9 p.m. – E [three dots, treating venereal complaint] O [no dots, signifying no discharge] – Came upstairs at 10 50/60. Curled and everything in an hour –

[in margin] (100.33) (99.15)

[blue-eyedangel21]

I hope you read this one day, J.A.E.🖤

You know.. You can go around talking shit about ME all you want. I loved you with all my heart & for some dumb ass reason I still do.. but go ahead. But don't forget to tell everyone that I left YOU. & Tell them why. I left your sorry ass because you don't know how to love anyone but yourself. I tried my hardest to be there for you , I bought you whatever the fuck you wanted it, when you wanted it. You were spoiled but nevertheless you were shown nothing but love. I gave you all I could & it still wasn't enough. I broke myself trying to love you. When really you need to learn to love yourself. I was nothing but kind to you. You used me. You drained me. You sucked me dry. You took all I built for myself & tore me down . I was once again picking up the pieces by myself. You knew all I went through with someone else & decided to do the same thing, except three times worse. You're worse than he is. Or ever was. Did you forget about the night you argued with me until 4:30 in the fucking morning over my BEST GUY FRIEND?! YOU had me crying my eyes out in your room, in a corner. Talking shit to me. Telling me if I walked out that door, we were through. But i was torn cause I loved you, & I know people argue, that's part of relationships, but only difference was this was being controlling & a whole different level of disrespect. I should have known once 4:30 came & you were no longer the yelling, mean & controlling jerk , you snapped back into reality & came down from your high, that your ass was on drugs. I should have known when you were feeling guilty, begging for my forgiveness & continuously saying sorry, & saying you'd do anything to makeup for the way you were , that the person before was a different side of you i just witnesseed. I should have known. But I didn't. I should have known the minute you turned into a different person you had more going on with you than you let me know. Yet was the same guy telling me I needed to let myself be open with him... when all that time you had secrets of your own. You're a hypocrite. I'm thankful I didn't open my heart to you. You would have ONLY crushed it more than you did months into the relationship we had. Every time I find someone I believe cares, they turn around & be like the people previous to them & are just as bad or worse... they show me every time that I can not loosen up my grip on trusting just anyone. People say you should trust someone until they give you a reason not to. No. That's bad advice. Trust them once they've proven themselves to be trustworthy. Don't trust someone with all of your heart hoping they don't have a secret agenda & secret intentions.. because you will only hurt yourself in the end, deeply. Maybe my tight grip on trust is too tight, but I've seen, & experienced too much for me to trust easily. It could take years before I trust another guy. But you, I thought you were different. I really did but you fooled me good. But something inside of me time & time again has been telling me that maybe somewhere underneath all the drugs, bullshit & games, you did care. Who wastes 9 months with someone they don't care about? Cause to me .. that's too much wasted time, & too much energy put into something that's not real. I could never have the patience, energy or time to waste like that. I couldn't fake or be fake that long. So to me, I feel there were parts of you, you did share with me. & I'm appreciative of those moments & pieces of you that were real & genuine. But you're not the person you played yourself out to be. Or the person you fooled me into trusting. You're not the person i fell in love with either. To be honest I have no fucking clue who I even fell in love with to be begin with. I didn't deserve this shit. You even said yourself when my ex boyfriends gf threatened me & all the bullshit he put me through, that I didn't deserve it. But what made me deserve THIS, when I was the friend you could turn to, could talk to, who listened.. Who one day loved you with all her heart because she took a chance? The girl you said you fell in love with in the parking lot of walmart, in the back of my step grandpa's truck? What did she do to deserve this? I know I left but I can't help but question everything. My trust is broken. It's going to take a very patient, loving, & honest guy to prove to me that I can be open, that I can trust again. Because as of now, I have no trust in anyone but myself. I know my intentions & feelings. I'm not going to hurt myself. But the intentions & feelings of others are unknown. So I won't risk it. Who knew loving the wrong person could ruin you. But I know that I will bounce back from this, because I already have . & I will keep going. With or without you. But it hurts still... when you love someone , you gave everything & more for someone who never loved you to begin with. When it was all games. When it was all a lie. I took a chance.. on the wrong one. I took a chance, missed & lost. But I don't regret it. & I never will. I'll take this to my grave. I hate you but I still love you. Despite everything I want you to be happy but only after you experience my pain. After you wake up & feel the heartache in your chest . After you realize the person you tried so hard for, harder for them than anyone in your life, no longer loves you or worse to find out ,they never did & It was all a set up for whatever reason. After you lie awake missing them. After you look at pics the pics of you two. After you read their notes or reread your conversations. After you distance yourself from every person of interest. After you hate yourself. After you reminisce & cry. After you break down. After you swear you're never loving someone again. After you see them somewhere & have no choice but to see them & face them. After you see them with someone else. After you feel the anger & feel the tears.. the heartbreak. After you ask yourself why you weren't enough but he is. After you have experienced everything I did.. I hope you find happiness but only after your ass knows how it feels, do I wish you to know how I felt. How the girls before me felt. & The girls after me felt. & for your current girlfriend, I tried to warn her of your ways.. shit I even got sort of close to her. But she flaked out, fell for you ways again & fell back into your manipulative ways. That's her stupidity though. What can I say. I told her so. But she has to find out the hard way . One day if she isn't as stupid as I think she is, she will wake up & be sick of you & your shit. She'll want a grown man who is ambitious.. Who is going to be willing to try to be more than he is now. Not a coward who hurts women irregardless if it isn't physical. Not a boy who can't keep a job. Not a boy who uses drugs. Not a boy who is fighting a war with himself & taking it out on the ones who really love him. Not a boy who isn't strong enough to love someone else. Not a boy who needs to have control. You can do better girl. But it is your choice to stay or leave. You either choose happiness or let him choose your happiness (which basically means you're happiness is temporary, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! ). In the end it is your choice. I chose to be happy.. & I chose for someone better to love me the way I DESERVE to be loved. 🖤🖤😉😉😘😘💯💯