#sweettartscandy

[drivelikeaminister]

Candy Hearts

I bought some candy hearts for my children this year for Valentine’s Day - the ones with little messages on them that always seem more fun to read than to eat.

As I read the little messages, I was struck with how they perpetuate a culture devoid of consent.  Yes, I am judging the messages printed on pieces of candy... but what better way to get a glimpse of what our culture says is “love” than looking at what is produced for young people on a holiday to celebrate love?  Seeing the messages and noticing what was implied, or explicit, really hit me.

The phrases included: cutie, love u, i ♥ u, xoxo, kiss me, hug me, maybe & yes.  There are some problems here.  Namely, there is no asking for permission, no asking for consent and no room for saying “no”.  The words available are demanding a hug or kiss and responding either “yes” or “maybe”.  Where is the “do you want a hug?” or “may I kiss you?” or the really important, “no”?

My small sample was from SweetTarts hearts, so I also looked up a picture of the classic Necco hearts and found some more: love me, love her, marry me, lover boy, nice girl, be true, only you, love, ask me, all mine...

Still some problems.  They are again all demands, not “do you want to get married?” but “marry me”.  And look at that double standard for males and females, expressed through the juvenile terms boys and girls, which also promotes sexualization of youth - “lover boy” vs. “nice girl”.  This double standard isn’t a one off, our culture continually tells us that males are honored for their promiscuity and seen as masculine for having many romantic partners.  Females, however, are expected to be “nice” with all the baggage that is implicit in that unassuming and nebulous word.

My main problem with these hearts is that I want a culture of consent, a culture based on love not just as sex, but love as communication and respecting ones partner(s).  This candy shows just how far away our “norm” is from that ideal.  A consent culture is one where asking for consent is normal, expected and assumed.  It means that each person has autonomy and agency over their own body and decisions made around their body.  Consent means that people can choose their own boundaries which are comfortable to them, and it those decisions can be altered or changed at any time.  Here’s a useful graphic about consent culture - and how it is sexy!

Candy hearts aren’t the end to a cultural shift, but they are a litmus test.  If we promote these small phrases to young people as what is appropriate to say to others, that is what we ware saying is acceptable in our personal interactions.  It must be okay to say “kiss me” without asking fr consent, without asking the other person what they want.  I am also limited in my responses, there is no space for saying “no”, but only “yes” or “maybe”.  At risk of vilifying the candy hears, I think there we are setting a dangerous precedence.

My wife and I are having constant conversations with my children about consent.  We ask before I hug or kiss them, and sometimes they say “no”.  We tell them that their bodies are theirs, and they have the power to say “no” to friends, adults, parents and family.

If I were in charge of the words written on candy hearts I would have some other choices.  I would definitely include “no”.  That is one of the most loving words we have.  Saying “no” let’s whomever you are interacting with that you respect yourself and them and you are able to have boundaries.  I would also include, “Do you want to _____?” maybe with an edible pen to fill in the blank.  And of course I would need, “You are a wonderful person and I want to have a conversation about our boundaries and what we each are comfortable with in each other’s presence.”  Hm... maybe I need to have bigger candy hearts.

What would a consent culture look like in your life?  What messages do you want on candy hearts?  Do you feel you can say “no”, do you leave room for others to say “no”?

[jaxu21976]

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