#surprised myself with my dog breed knowledge there

[wispstalk]

Some writing advice for hunting, bc I see a lot of hunting scenes in fantasy that make me itch. More under the cut. Don't read if you're sensitive to blood-and-guts discussion or animal death.

Finding game:

- I don't hunt much these days bc I don't feel like getting my ass out of bed at shitfuck o'clock every weekend during the season. Which you have to do, because much of the time you come home empty-handed. Successful hunts come about when you're out there often.

- You don't really have to be a good tracker to hunt, but you do have to know the basics of your prey and you have to be able to interpret the landscape even if it's unfamiliar. It's less likely a tracker is looking for "bent blades of grass" or whatever and more likely they are noticing game trails, sheltered areas where nests and burrows are, a spot of thick vegetation which would indicate a water source.

- Scat and footprints are useful too ofc but to varying degrees. If I'm hunting deer it's just confirmation that they're in the area; more often I use knowledge of their habits to actually find them. If I were hunting something elusive and solitary like a cougar I would pay more attention to the tracks but that's also a reason people hunt with dogs!

Actually hunting:

- Bows are not the only hunting weapons, though would be most common in ur typical medieval fantasy type setting. Spears and lances, slings with stones, and clubs would also be used. And knives and swords but in this hunter's opinion, FUUUUCK that.

- Lung shot is a quick death. Heart shot and head shot too but that is much harder. Other shots might mean tracking a wounded animal as it runs away. This is where things like broken twigs/bent grass are especially telling, and ofc blood. Small game bleed out faster and won't get as far but you might spend quite a while running after an elk shot in the flank.

- This highly depends on the prey but hunting often involves more sitting around than people realize. I bring a small pad for my booty ass bc sometimes you'll spend hours in a strategic spot waiting for the game to pass by. Also hides (the shelter, not the skins) are a thing and most hunters would consider shelter-building an essential skill.

- Hunting seasons are not entirely a modern convention -- there are better times of year to find different animals. But there would be less concern, historically, about killing animals during the breeding season than we have today.

- Even when I was hunting regularly and more confident, I got a huge adrenaline spike EVERY time I had an animal in my sights.

Big game:

- A deer has a lot of meat on it and though it's not a bad thing to leave a carcass for scavengers, your party of two or three adventurers probably will not go to the trouble of hunting deer unless they have some nearby place to cache, preserve, or trade what they can't eat before it spoils. Are they leaving it behind or do they have some way to take full advantage of such a large kill?

- If your character gets a large game animal they're probably going to field dress it: deal with all the blood and guts on site, then quarter it so it can be packed back to the campsite or whatever. My dad is a big burly mutant man and he cannot carry a deer by himself. You can carry game on poles or horseback too but field dressing is pretty typical in a situation where u can't just fling it in the back of the truck and hang it at home.

- I grew up eating bear and when it comes up I'm often surprised how many people don't know that people hunt bear for meat. It's tasty imo, especially makes a good sausage

- I can hunt deer alone, though company is nice. I wouldn't attempt hunting something more dangerous by myself. Large animals especially are better taken down as a group effort. In the TES context for example it would be kind of insane to hunt horker alone. Not that some folks wouldn't try.

Small game:

- A character who subsists mostly on hunting is going to be eating a lot of small game. They are probably going to use traps and snares in addition to actually going out on hunts.

- Look up "rabbit starvation." Small game is often (but not always) lean and going without fat for a long time can cause serious health issues.

- I joke that you don't hunt turkey, you just go get one. Game birds are kind of stupid. I plan a deer hunt, but I have gone out and shot grouse on a whim.

Processing:

- Draining blood, skinning, plucking, butchering, dealing with all the bones and guts, storage and preservation: pretty time consuming and involved. It's a good excuse for social activity.

- The moneyed classes likely would not process their kills themselves, unless they're doing some kinda randyll tarly masculinity flex for the symbolism. Kitchen staff or a local butcher would handle it.

- A good skinning knife is kinda wide and short. Some game knives have a rounded tip which keeps it from puncturing the skin in case of accidental slippage.

- Skinning is done with a light hand bc puncturing the digestive system means you've poisoned the meat. I will say it is less difficult than I expected it to be the first time I tried it.

- We don't eat a lot of offal in the US but a deer liver, for example, would be considered prime meat by many and eaten first. Bear, walrus, and seal liver contain toxic amounts of vitamin A and would be thrown away.

- I've been told every animal has enough brains to tan its own hide, but I think there are some exceptions. It's definitely true of deer and elk. With small animals like rabbits it's hardly worth the effort of getting the brains out and other things can be used but brain tanned leather is soooo soft and nice.

- Hides and pelts are useful and valuable and would be kept or traded if circumstances allowed. You can tightly roll a hide to keep it from drying out before tanning, or you can freeze it, basically indefinitely. You can also air dry it once scraped clean and soften it later, which is what fur hunters would most likely do for efficiency's sake. Tanning is also so so so fucking gross imo. Really slimy process, and tanneries REEK.

That's all I can think of for now and this is already hella long but the takeaway is that it is generally a pretty involved activity and more impactful on lifestyle than I usually see depicted. So there ya have it

[artifeast]

kingmaker episode 25: dog and pony show liveblog time!!! beware SPOILERS below:

i'd always wondered just how many government officials were lost in the explosion. also OMG lore!!! minister of CHARMS AND CURSES??

HOLZMANN lore!!! and ooooh shittt.... the man is SCHEMING

I FORGOT ABOUT MARGOT i had to pause and refresh myself on her initial appearance

IW&C please scam this wretched man out of everything he owns

OMGG THEIR SCHEMES 🥰 AND JENNY'S IN ON IT TOO?? pleaseee i missed herrr

also scamming techniques are such a fascinating craft honestly. love seeing them in fiction

obsessed with colette practicing her joke delivery

AND MARIA IS HERE?!?! OMG HIIIII <3

omg the joke was for maria... and colette's been foiled. so sad

AWWW THAT LIL BIT TELSIE ADDED AFTER THE TELEGRAM THAT ISN'T IN THE TRANSCRIPT... <3 <3 <3

colette is such a mood. ohhh the awkwardness is potent

dogy :3 with... perhaps... nonspecified alien creature in its pedigree? or a fleshcrafted breed?

colette's big brown eyes are famous now. also it is ALWAYS fun to see new types of magic in action!!!

ohhhh i am SO excited for their fake-arrest scam to turn into an actual arrest

eisen and telesphore goofing off mocking rich people with their richsonas 100/10 so funny so cute

telesphore's surprising capacity for pity as a man that makes his living stealing from and scamming susceptible people continues to be so charming. lol

telesphore CONTINUES to not have a specified eye color within the podcast! HUGE potential for fan designs not based on the official art (though i'm too fond of the snakeberry comparison to indulge, myself... <3)

COLETTE WATCH OUT

"you can't be a day over 25" technically she is ~275 days over 25, my guy

EUCH! colette i am sure you are doing your best to get your point across subtly but EUYUCK! HVFSVFJ

so funny how they get caught doing a crime and mr. chief inspector doesn't even care about that... they've got Bigger crimes

CONFIRMED animals count for stopping good neighbors from teleporting!!! (unless they actually bred the dog to have human eyes. /j. sorry)

praying colette doesn't get bit again

is that... jenny...? YESSSS IT ISSS!!!!

the role reversal of telesphore siccing colette on the dog

rip admiral :( well, when circumstances must... it was a scary beast

eisennn ily but THERE IS A TIME AND PLACE LMAO. he's too funny

wowwww jenny is sooo cool 🥰 her ACTING

YESSS JENNY ROAST EISEN

"someone close to you may not be all that they appear" >:3c

colette's joke foiled yet again

ohhhh fuck. VERY fun to hear what's common knowledge about valorian history in the historian's time. EXTREMELY fun to hear how his fictional audience should in fact know some of the events that he's about to cover. that little layer, like... idk if i'm explaining it right but it's just so cool to me

OHHHH SHIIIT!!!!!!

amazing amazing AMAZING episode. i'm osmosing it. the voice acting SO GOOOD

[casspurrjoybell-18]

Worthless - Chapter 28 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

Asher

"Then why the fuck are you here?" 

"Why did you leave us with him?"

It was barely a whisper. Riley couldn't bring herself to look at Murphy. She trembled, waiting for his response. Fallon, seeing his sister's distress, took her hand in his. Thankful, she smiled, squeezing his hand before looking Murphy dead in the eye and repeating the question.

"Why did you leave us in that place?"

He started to laugh, softly at first before it got louder and more insane.

"That? That was what you wanted to know so badly? You seriously just want to know why I gave you to Rufus? Hahaha."

"R-Rufus?" 

My heart began to pound in my ears. I held my breath, waiting for him to answer Riley even though I somehow knew who he meant.

"The human, you dumb bitch and I didn't give him you, I gave him that cunt Rose. His mutt was getting boring, he wasn't even fuckable for Christ's sake. Always in that wolf form. I sure as hell wasn't going to risk getting my dick bitten off."

"That still doesn't..."

"Shut the fuck up and let me finish."

Spittle flew out of his mouth as he yelled. They were silent as his chest rose and fell, his breathing raspy. He coughed once before continuing, wiping the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Anyway, the deal was that I could use the bitch whenever and he got to keep whatever popped out. The dumb fuck was going to breed you when you got older then sell off your pups. It was a decent idea and I wanted a cut."

I could see the tears waiting to be released in Riley's eyes. Fallon only glared at the man, his fists clenched as he trembled in rage. Murphy took notice, grinning wickedly.

"And you, you little bastard, we going to be raised as a guard dog. Probably would've been forced to breed the bitch too. You'd eventually take the mutts place and be used to train the pack and be used for Rufus's own frustrations but then Alpha Eric had to show up and that coward up and ran. Stupid fucking human. Wish I killed him when I had a chance. Should have killed you brats too," he sneered,

"Both of you meant nothing to me. You still mean nothing."

I felt my blood boil. I wanted to launch myself at Murphy, to rip his tongue out for saying those things. How dare he talk to them like that? I knew full well what my place in that hell hole was but Riley and Fallon could've been spared that knowledge. Even though Kade was the one holding me back, I felt his body tremble in barely contained rage. He was just as angry as I was if not more. 

"That bastard's going to pay a hundred times over before he get's the mercy of death..." his voice shook as he whispered the oath.

I was about to twist my way out of his grasp, intent on doing it myself there and now when Fallon spoke.

"I don't care."

Murphy froze as Fallon calmly met his eyes.

"You don't mean anything to me either. I don't need you and neither does Riley."

He glanced at her, sending a quick smile. She smiled back though she still looked ready to cry. Straightening her back, she turned to Murphy, wiping at her eyes and sniffing once.

"He's right. All we wanted was an explanation. We got it. It doesn't matter what you think about us, we have a family and it isn't you."

"Hmph, so that's it? You came down here just for that and are going to leave? Don't fuck with me..."

"Don't fuck with us."

My mouth dropped open as Fallon cursed. Behind me, Kade tried to muffle his laughter, sounding almost like he was suffocating as he leaned against the wall. Riley looked just as surprised and Murphy just sat back, his face neutral. Fallon stuck his tongue out, looking real cheeky after cursing.

"You're a bad person and I don't like bad people, so you can just stay down here and rot."

He grabbed Riley's and started to drag her away. They hurried out of the room with Murphy yelling at their backs. We tried to scramble back the way we came but Kade tripped over a chair once we got to the first room, sending us tumbling to the floor. Riley's voice was just outside the doorway and we knew that it was too late to hide.  

"Come on, we need to get back before, oh."

We all froze when they caught sight of us. Kade helped me up and we just stood there awkwardly. I knew he wasn't going to say anything, he was shuffling back and forth waiting for me to do the parenting. Riley looked terrified that they'd been caught while Fallon stared at me with dread, knowing we heard him curse. I sighed.

'I think we're going to have to start a curse jar.'

Fallon turned red.

"I-I just wanted to show him he didn't scare me."

"We know pup," Kade chuckled, deciding it was safe to speak now that he was sure he wouldn't be the bad guy.

"But you're still too young to cuss. It's for adults..."

'You're going to put money in the jar too.'

I was annoyed. I'd probably end up being the stricter parent. I could just see it now, fun parent Kade saying yes right after I say no.

"What? Come on, baby. I'm a grown ass..."

"Ah. One dollar in the swear jar," Riley sang, a grin stretching ear to ear.

I was happy she wasn't letting what Murphy said get to her. They both surprised me with their reactions.

"Fine," Kade let loose a huge sigh of defeat we ignored the sounds of Murphy howling, walking through the room and down the hall. Reaching the steps, I glanced at Kade.

'You knew what they were up to, didn't you?'

'Yeah, I thought it would be some sort of closure for them. Sorry that I lied to you.'

I sighed.

'Just don't do it again. I mean it.'

He leaned over to give me a peck once we were outside.

'I won't, I promise. I'm serious about the curse jar though. But why do I have to, I just know you're going to leave the disciplining to me so might as well start now.'

He sighed. I looked over at Riley and Fallon when I heard a giggle. They probably knew what we were talking about. Really, Kade was being a baby about it. It would be good for him too.

'I mean, if you don't want to pay a dollar, I can just withhold sex for a couple days.'

'No. I-I mean, nah. I'll pay the dollar. No sweat off my back.'

I sent him an amused look. Though he tried to play it off, I could see his horror at the idea. I laughed at his pained expression when he imagined going without sex. When I caught his eyes I felt my cheeks heat up. He looked at me with such warmth that it made my heart skip a beat. It was like I was his world in that instant. 

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. You're just so beautiful when you laugh."

I felt myself go redder, Riley and Fallon snickering before making kissing noises at us. I didn't look at Kade as we walked home hand in hand. My heart pounded in my chest as I was fully aware of his presence, his every glance, his every breath. His scent was like a drug that I couldn't get enough of. I was positive I'd never get used to this man and his love.

[bookwyrminspiration]

(hi for the first time in way too long, writer god!! sending you lots of good vibes) kotlc cast as dog breeds?

hello to you too!! I haven't interacted with you in a very long while, so it's wonderful to see you again. As always, the writer god title is very flattering, so thank you for that...writer...worshiper? Disciple? Follower? If I'm a god what does that make you? I think you are also worthy of the god title for some of your fics, I must admit.

also I know so little about dogs and even less about their breeds, so instead I will offer you pictures of dogs I find on the internet that remind me of the characters. And also explain my choices because of course I have to.

because there's a lot of pictures i'll put it under a cut to save everyone's dashboards! enjoy the dog pics!

Sophie:

Something about this dog just feels homey. Beagles feel like a family dog, and because Sophie is so motivated by her friends and family, it feels like it fits her. It looks cuddly, and so is Sophie!

Fitz:

Okay so German Shepards have a kind of reputation as smart, good dogs. They're good at things and have a desire to please, which seems similar to Fitz's own reputation. Capable, praised, well-known, etc. They also both look nice.

Dex:

I've heard that pit bulls have a bad reputation and many people have bad opinions of them, which is perfect for Dex. Until they get to know him, a lot of people have negative assumptions before seeing how sweet they are. Additionally, the coloring is kinda similar to Dex's hair, which is nice! Very lovable.

Keefe:

I have no clue what breed this is, but maybe something leopard? Either way, it stands out for it's fur color, which seems reminiscent of The Hair. It's got a striking appearance and ice blue eyes like Keefe's, so it seemed only fitting to match the two. You know it's fitting that this is the only breed I don't know and Keefe's is the only ability we don't know and is a mesh of other things.

Linh:

Apparently Golden Retrievers are very friendly and open, reminiscent of Linh's sweet, approachable personality. They look very warm and cuddly, but also serene and go-with-the-flow, all aspects that remind me of Linh. The beach in the background doesn't hurt either. They're also like a family dog, so some of Sophie's reasoning applies here as well.

Tam:

Wolfdog! Yes it's black and that's Tam's color, but also the kinda...not entirely dog vibe you get from it is perfect. It's like a dog but also a lot more dangerous feeling, similar to how Tam is technically a part of elven society and interacts but also doesn't feel like he'll ever fully integrate. He's always going to be other and to stand out, more menacing and critical than everyone else. He always carries his time banished and his twin status as a banner, a sort of grim pride.

Biana:

Something about this picture in particular feels very Biana. It's regal, graceful, aesthetic. Her as a husky feels right, the positive, fun reputation and the comments they get for their beauty. Sophisticated and poised. They've got this allure to them that reminds me of her!

Marella:

Marella gets to be the small shitzu! Something about how they have such potential to look so disheveled feels right given how Marella is frequently described as looking the same. They're fun and cute, but also feel a little sneaky. They're small and can get places, similar to how Marella can know things and find things out in ways others don't understand.

Stina:

I feel like this one needs very little explanation. Stina as a poodle is like...so pompous. Not only the similarities in the poofy hair, but poodles have this reputation (especially in cartoons I think?) of being owned by rich people and being in dog shows, being superior to others, etc. Those fit Stina pretty well, the snobby attitude and the reputation alongside how regal they are, if that makes sense.

Maruca:

Okay I'm not entirely sure why this feels right but it does. They're apparently intelligent and energetic, which I think mimics her attitude towards joining the fight. She knows her uses and is eager to make her contributions. However...I specifically chose a younger looking dog because Maruca is newer to the battle. She's eager but makes mistakes and hasn't really learned what she's doing yet. Once she does she'll be very useful, but for now she might need a little guidance.

So there you have it! Apparently I do know enough about dog breeds to assign one to each character and give some reasoning, and as a bonus you get a bunch of dog pictures!! This was a very fun approach to the characters, and I'm sure there are many dog people on this hellsite, so that's fun for all of them!!

thank you for the inspiration!!

[kim-monsterlings]

Danon - M Hellhound x F Human (Reader) // NSFW

The pictures do not belong to me. I only created the mood board. Do not repost my work anywhere.

Content: NSFW/Lemon; injury (brief, not to reader), mild aggression, mentions of death, soul bonding, fluff, receiving oral, penetrative sex (+ knotting), marking (no biting - tattoo), more fluff to top it off, with the NSFW only at the very end - (if there is anything else anyone would like tagged here that I haven't caught, let me know!)

Wordcount: 3715

Masterlist

 The creature rested at your front door had been your shadow for some time now.

 The raven fur thick at its scruff tinged with a crimson the nearer you came, and though you doubted its domesticity - its claws were far too long for any house pet, not to mention in place of fluffy ears were ram horns, wide and curled back to its neck - you still felt sympathy for the creature, wounded as it was.

 You first saw it nearly a month ago, trailing at your shadow when the evening fell into night. If the creature had wanted to have you then, it would have. The flash of fanged teeth hadn't been so unusual, until the muzzle almost tore back, sinew and tendons sewing flesh together, up to it skull. Then you'd known it wasn't quite a dog, nor some odd breeding anomaly, and had fought to ignore the memory.

 Until the creature was at your backdoor come dawn when you went to the river for water and herbs for medicine. You were no healer, not properly, but your parents had passed down knowledge you cherished and made use of. Poultices ready-made waited for collection, all the while your stalker sat by the tree line, waiting; you weren't sure what for.

 To see it so defeated when it was usually full of life tugged you down to your knees. The first time you had confronted it - in a rage of foolishness, really, considering how lucky you had been to avoid any harm at its infliction, the creature had staggered back almost in shock at having stones thrown, before letting loose a growl so low your muscles locked, and you thought then you had incited your own death, as its muzzle nudged up at your fist, the creature large enough to come to your hips like a pony.

 The memory was nothing now. You whispered, hoping to soothe the dog-like demon when you brushed its fur. It gave a low whine, and tail thin like a whip with an arrowed tip tucked neater to its belly. Whatever it was, was decisively male, but your focus was more on the scratches curled deep into its stomach, and the wound on its throat must have been from another creature of the same kind.

 "Hey, boy," you said and offered your hand for him to sniff. The notion struck you as pointless; obviously he recognised you, laying at your door after following for so long, but the press of a hot nose was more reassurance to you than anything. "Stay still. You'll be okay, boy."

 The idea of letting him inside was daunting, but you couldn't just leave him there to die. No matter why he followed you, he had come to you now for help, and you pressed onto his back carefully. When he snarled, you winced through gritted teeth.

 "Come on, boy." You tucked your hands beneath his back enough to encourage him up. Your door was open. All he had to do was collapse inside. "Go on-"

 With a pitiful whine, he fell heavily against your thigh as you led him in. He managed to carry himself to the fireplace before landing with a thud, and though he still breathed, you weren't surprised to find him now unconscious.

 Treating a dog was different from humans but you made do with what you had, and you couldn't do anything more than that. What you noticed, even as you tried not to, was the thick stench of something foul and smoky on washing away blood, and something about it twisted at you. Like it was unnatural. There wasn't anything natural to a dog of his size, with horns and a tail like that, nor a muzzle so wide and sharp, but you had already invited him in and tended to his wounds, so you moved on.

 You left a bowl of water and some old meat at his side but when you retreated to your room, sharp canines snatched your wrist. His eyes flicked up to you, a bright, burning red against his ashen body. When you conceded and sat at his side, a soft whimper enticed your fingers to his scruff, careful to avoid the horns and shallow wound.

 "You're okay," you hummed, holding still when he inched close enough to lay a heavy head on your thighs. "You'll be okay, boy. You’ll be healthy again, and you won't even try to eat me, will you? No," you whispered, and spoke until his eyes fell shut.

 That night you spent curled uncomfortably back against the sofa, falling in and out of a restless sleep. You woke before dawn to find the beast gone, and in his place was a man. The first, natural instinct that came to you was to scream; his head was nuzzled against your thighs, a hand curled at your hip and clutching loosely, but the familiarity struck you before the screech came.

 His body was the same black of his fur, a rich, almost obsidian, but the giveaway was the tail twined to his bare legs. Even still, his mouth seemed off, a little too wide, and the short nubs at his temples, though dramatically smaller horns, were the same.

 So you yawned, snatching the blanket off the sofa and laying it across his thin body, too. Waking hours later with daylight on your face, you were alone. He had rested you on the sofa with a pillow beneath your head and the blanket up to your neck. It melted away remnants of fear, after being alone with not only some demonic hound, but a strange man, too, more than capable of harming you.

 It was a struggle to continue your day as you normally would, but it was a weekend, so a short trip out was all you needed. You were back before midday but still alone. Alone until well into the evening, almost convinced it had been a fever dream until you had finished changing into comfortable clothes, and the silhouette standing in your kitchen turned, tail wound at his bare ankle.

 "Oh."

 The tail flicked and he watched you with glowing eyes, which darted back from you to the door. "If you would rather I leave-"

 "No. No, stay." His head canted much like it had when he was the creature, and you smiled, offering him a change of clothes you had bought; not so much a change, but something to cover up with. "I'd like the company, and an explanation."

 He apparently had no shame, and you had to admit, he needn't have any. His body was taut, and once more you were drawn to admiring him. The clothes hung off his frame, adding to his general unruliness - his hair particularly, ruffed with thick curls nearly enshrouding the nubby horns.

 The stranger was a foot or so taller than you, stiffening when you reached out towards him. He blinked when you introduced yourself, before whispering, "my name is Danon. It's okay," he said, and tipped his head down.

 They were rough, thick at the base, and Danon's breath caught when you stroked up to the tips. Horns of a devil, yet he stood before you still weakened by wounds visible, though closed over at his throat, at least. No blood stained the white shirt yet, so you instead moved past to make a drink for you each.

 "Start from the beginning, Danon."

 His lips twitched, though the smile didn't last. "I am a hellhound. We guide souls on from their lives here. My life is owed to you."

 You sipped in quiet until it helped calm your thoughts. Sat opposite a hellhound, you needed the strength. "Sounds lonely."

 His voice trembled. "It is."

When Danon chose not to elaborate, you embraced the quiet. He had only sniffed at the tea, but you wouldn't force him to drink it. With his hands so large, clawed, the mug shrunk between them.

He still remained quiet, so you watched him carefully and said, "you followed me for a month."

 "It was meant to be you."

 Danon's lips pulled back like he was snarling down at his mug, but the action somehow only made a smile grow on your face. He snapped his head up, slamming the mug down hard enough the handle shattered free.

 "It was your life I was sent for. Not the elder man. You. Say something," he bit out, a snarl coming audibly now when you just looked at him, heart-pounding but face unchanging. "Is that it? You don't care about your own life? I could snatch it from you now, leave you there breathless until-" he bit his cheek sharp as his tail swung out in short whips. "I chose to give you time."

 The only sound you could make was a breathless, "why?"

 "I watched you long before revealing myself."

 "Oh, don't tell me," you cut in, rolling your eyes. "You fell in love with me? Is that it?"

 "Yes."

 "Very funny," you snapped, and Danon's throat bobbed. Like you had done, he said nothing, and you began to grip your mug tighter. "Tell me you're lying. You killed someone because you love me?"

 "His time had come. I sent him in place of your soul. The world cannot lose you. The way you care for these people… not one other soul is so caring. You deserve to live."

 "But he didn't?"

 Danon's long tipped ears twitched, almost pinning back once your voice sharpened. He thumbed the crack in the mug with his claw and grunted, "we can claim a soul. I fought for yours and until I choose to let you pass," he glanced up, finding your face ashen. "You will live. The elder was sickly. Longer for him would be a cruelty. His soul was so far gone I couldn't resist guiding him. It's like… like an itch."

 Questions sprouted endlessly the more he spoke, and you fully intended to return to the matter of him claiming your soul, but he hunched over, and you wondered if it took a toll on him, being the one to cart people from this life. Better to have a guide than not, but your mind drifted to the man whose passing you'd heard of nearby; very old, very sick, and in a way, it was an easing of pain.

 "Don't I itch?"

 His warm laughter came as a surprise. Danon's tail swayed gently. "No. You're like a beacon to me. I need to scratch the itch, but your soul is where I return to. When you healed me, you accepted my claim. For simplicity," he murmured, canting his head a little to hold your eyes. "We are bound, 'til death do us part. It is late."

 Like that, Danon dismissed the questions burning in your mind. He rose, his form slender and lean, before rounding the table towards you. His claws pressed beneath your chin and he fell low, so close his breath brushed your face. The warmth in your stomach tightened your chest. If Danon lowered himself a little more, you would lean into his kiss without pause.

 "I will never apologise for choosing you."

 Sleep evaded you for a long time. Knowing that a creature of hell was resting in the lounge gave you plenty to torment over, and like he knew, the soft padding of paws entered your room. The beast huffed a heavy breath against your hand before curling at the foot of your bed, a weight that left you curled into yourself. His presence was a comfort, even as you struggled to stop thinking of him.

 He loved you. He loved you, and he had bound your souls together.

 Sometime in the night as your thoughts became heavier, the bed dipped. The creature rose, a yawn baring sharp teeth in a display that had frightened you nights ago, before whining quietly. He nudged at your arm until you let him lay close, nosing at your throat and whining again until you were able to rest.

 Danon wasn't by your side when you woke. There wasn't a trace of him left. The shattered mug had been cleared away, the smoky scent that followed him was gone, and the comfort with it. You almost thought it had been a dream, a delirious lie after being alone too long, and forced yourself to go about your day as you would normally. If Danon came home, it would be of his own choice.

 He staggered into your room three nights gone and collapsed to his knees in reaching out to you. It was the thick of night, so you woke with a cry at somebody waking you. Danon caught your face in clammy palms and hushed you. It was without a word that you kicked back the sheets for him, and he crawled beside you - bare, but so exhausted you couldn't find it in you to care as he clutched you tight with a rough sigh.

 It wasn't the time for questions, but you leaned back as far as you could with his arms snaked against you, brushing your hand against his burning cheek. "I missed you."

 His glowing eyes blinked down at you. "You missed me?"

 You hummed and leaned into his chest. "Did you have an itch?"

 His chest rose beneath you but it was answer enough. Danon's kiss was tentative, pressed to your temple like a breath, fleeting when he laid his cheek to your crown. "I missed you, too."

 "Tell me what it means to have my soul claimed."

"Come morning, you may ask me anything."

 "Will you be here?"

 The hellhound paused a breath. "I'm never far," he said, but it was answer enough as you woke entwined, cheek to his shoulder and with a tail draped over your hips.

 For a creature of hell, sunlight blessed him. The sharp angles of his face looked softer in the golden hue, and you were free to admire him until he grumbled and peeked open an eye at you. Danon's brows dipped when he found you already awake, but you were quick to catch his arm before he could lean away.

 "I fought for the right to your soul," he murmured, thick with sleep and slightly slurred. "It is mine. Nothing can take you without me releasing you."

 "Don't I own my own soul?"

 "It is mine," he said against the pillows, grumbling and turning away. Though as he fought to muffle himself, his arm around you tightened. "Pretty soul, too."

 "Am I immortal?" Danon breathed a laugh. His tail flicked down your legs and he shook his head. "Are you?"

 "If I wish to pass on, I may."

 The words were rough and muffled now he had found a spot on the pillow to hide from the light, but you spoke still. If he was in your bed, he would answer your questions. "Will you pass on when I do?"

 He hummed, "I might." You frowned, and he let out a rumble of a growl, turning fully from the pillow. Danon rose over you until you were laid back beneath him. "It is dependent on you."

 "Me?" You blanched, "why me?"

 "How attached I am. I never," he growled, and would have lurched back if not for your touch brushing his arm. "I never intended to claim someone. Your soul is my burden-"

 "I'm a burden?"

 Danon snarled, but you bit back a smile at the gesture. He brought himself close, forehead to yours, and whispered, "I loved you before claiming you. That is my burden alone. May I?"

 Throat tight, you tried to hold your voice steady when you asked, "may you?"

 "May I sleep?"

 Your breath rushed from you and you forced a nod, laying still as he nestled back into the pillows. Danon's hand skimmed your stomach when you slid free, and his tail snagged at your ankle before unwinding.

  Days passed much like that, and each in his presence weakened you. Confessions came in soft whispers when, to him, they were the only possible answer to yet another of your questions. You asked him if he had a home. He did; loose curls fell against his horns, brushed his dark eyes, and the answer, though he never did anything more than smile at you, echoed in your chest. It was the same reason he came back after a soul needed guiding, and the isolation of what he was struck you when he returned, falling into your arms no matter where he found you.

 The worst came when he was gone nearly a fortnight. Some nights you doubted if he would come back to you, and the memory of him seeing you as beacon became your clutch. You had taken to resting on the small sofa in the days, knowing that if he came back in the light, you would wake.

 His whine was so soft you thought him to be the beast when a warmth brushed your cheek, but arms tucked beneath you and curled you into a bare chest. Danon's lips lingered on your forehead before he laid you on your bed, whispering your name as he began to free you from your dress. The lace parted easily for him, and you brought his hands up to your sleeves when he made to turn, helping him undress you until you were left only in your underwear.

 "Don't stay away so long," you whispered, reaching out to brush back his loose curls. Danon trembled when you ran your thumb against his horns. "What if you didn't come back to me?"

 He closed his eyes and leaned into your palm. "That will never happen."

 "This isn't one-sided," you said. Lengthened teeth cut into his lower lip when you slowly parted your legs beneath him, and Danon's hips fell against yours. He let out a breathless moan when your touch pressed to his lips and he let them part, tongue hot against you. "Did you not think I loved you?"

 He whined, and his head fell heavy onto your chest. You gasped when he kissed the soft skin as it fell low, and his hands settled on your hips. "Tell me you do."

 "I might," you said, and he was peppering softer kisses across your breast, hot lips drawing on your nipple until you groaned. "You'll have to do more than that first."

 Danon's lips curled up against your stomach, and relief flooded you when he moved lower. His thumbs stroked small circles into your thighs when he pressed his hot tongue to the fabric clinging to your body, tasting you through it. His teeth caught at the hem and as you lifted your hips, he snatched them off and returned as fast, kissing purple flushes onto your legs before pausing.

 "Tell me now."

 With a small smile, you reached low to hook a finger against his horn, and breathed, "not yet, love."

 He snarled half-heartedly before a long drag of his tongue made you choke. Danon flicked the muscle up until it nudged to your nerves, earning a sharp cry of his name in pleasure. The heat now rushing through you began to pool in your gut, and tightened with the passion he began to lap at you with. The hound growled low, and the shock of it ran in shivers through you.

 Claws curled against your skin and he pressed your legs back to your chest. The same fire you felt throbbing glowed in his eyes, and he almost held your stare for as long as he stretched your tight body around his tongue, if you hadn't shuddered and bucked against him.

 "Danon-" His nose forced hot air against you, nosing up at your clit and you stuttered out a plea, grasping at his hair and grinding your hips up to his face. "I need you. I need you to-Danon-"

 He yelped when you dragged him up, and his body rubbed hard against you. The weight of him slick and nudging to your core made you wriggle, and he palmed your stomach with a small smile, the other hand circling his cock and guiding it up so his head rubbed to your nerves.

 "If we do this, you will wear my mark." He turned to kiss your knee as it came against his shoulder. "Am I what you want?"

 The shine to eyes was so innocent that you nodded, tangling your fingers in his hair again to drag him against you. "I love you."

 Your voice broke on a hoarse cry. Danon laid over you, your legs strained up against him a way that had your body so tight and stuffed when his cock drove deep. His lips, thick and sweetened by your taste, parted on a heady groan with each thrust, each clench of your thighs dragging him deeper.

 At that moment, your souls recognised the other; they must have done, with a feeling of belonging overcoming you as Danon cradled your face, running away a tear of pleasure. He rutted up as he began to gasp and shake, a weight slamming against your centre. He soothed you with a whisper of his love, and grinned at your answering whine before the claw of his thumb flicked your clit. Bolts of pleasure knotted in your core. You cried, seeing white and locking tight in the same second Danon thrust hard, the knot forced into you and sticking.

 You felt him come, thick and hard until he was panting and kissing down your throat. The black swirls of his mark formed across your chest and Danon held you close as his knot swelled all the more.

 "Stay here." He swallowed, nipping at your jaw before meeting your eyes. "Stop travelling," you said quietly, and Danon's fingers running down your hips paused, splaying wide as he looked down at you. Your traced his chest, drawn to the stretch of his skin where a matching mark laid. "Care for this village, the neighbouring ones. You said you only take souls at their time. Guide theirs."

 "Stay with you?" His small smile tugged at your heart. Danon slid his arm lower to lift you up against him, brushing a soft kiss to your lips. "I will try."

I wrote Danon in like one sitting and honestly? He stole my heart. I don't know how it happened but this is the longest thing I've written that wasn't intended to be two parts. Danon is now my baby, and I hope you all loved him too - let me know if you did! Threw in the NSFW as a treat to myself. We love indulgent writing. Thank you for getting this far <3

[little-writings]

can i request a fanfic where mc is a veterinarian with her own clinic and the reason she meets jumin is because of elizabeth needing a checkup!

Oh my goodness absolutely! This was actually so fun to write! 

Anyhow, I hope you have an amazing day and enjoy!

———————————————————————————————————–

“How long has it been since Elizabeth 3rd has been to the vet?” V asked, grinning fondly as the snowy-white cat pressed against his legs, a purr beginning to rumble in her throat.  

“She doesn’t need to see a vet. She’s in perfect health.” Jumin remarked, fiddling with the cuffs of his sleeves absentmindedly. “I have a chef prepare her a perfectly figured diet, one of the most  accalimed groomers brush her coat once a week, and-”  

“They’re supposed to get examined yearly.”  

“Who are?”  

V scoffed. “Cats, dogs, and any other animal you could call a pet.”  

“I’ll see about having a house veterinarian come by.”  

“Well, I’ve actually been hearing quite a bit about a certain veterinarian. I think you’d like them.”  

“Are they on call?”  

“No, they have a well-established practice downtown.”  

“Then I’m not interested.” Jumin stated matter-of-factly. “Taking Elizabeth 3rd outside presents too many risks. She could get hurt, lost or both – or even worse. I would never forgive myself if that were to happen.”  

V’s brows furrowed behind his tinted frames. “They’re apparently one of the best in the country. I hear there’s not a pet they don’t get along with.”  

“I would hope so, being a professional. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s an on-site practice. Any potential danger to Elizabeth 3rd isn’t worth it.”  

“Do you really think I’d recommend something that could hurt Elizabeth 3rd?”  

Jumin jerked his head to V and found himself stumbling over his words, cornered by his own stubborn mind. “What? No, I ah – no of course not.”  

The ends of V’s lips curled up and he knelt down to scratch Elizabeth behind the ears, her quiet purring volume erupting to that of a lawnmower.  

“Then give them a try.”  

Jumin wrinkled his nose. “Why are you so adamant?”  

“Because,” V simpered. “I think you’d like them.”  

Jumin didn’t have to ask the next question for V to know what he was wondering.  

“They’re professional and very devoted to their work,” He rose to his feet and rummaged through his jacket, snagging a crisp, clean card from his pocket. He gave it to Jumin who eyed it curiously.  

“In fact, they remind me of you.”  

Jumin paused. Pawprints bordered the card alongside hearts and a phone number he supposed he had no choice but to call at this point. He hardly saw V enough these days, the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint him.  

“I’ll… I’ll think about it.”  

And so, later that evening, he found himself calling.  

“Loving Paws Animal Hospital, how can I help you?” The voice on the other line was sickeningly sweet and welcoming, as though dipped in honey and soaked in sugar.  

Jumin paused and bit the inside of his cheek, swallowing his pride. ”Yes, I’d like to speak to your lead veterinarian?”  

“MC? They’re currently with a client at the moment, but I’d be more than happy to transfer you to their voicemail. Have we seen the pet before?”  

“No. No one has.”  

The secretary must’ve been left at a loss at the stern tone and proclamation, but she did her best regardless against the statue that was Jumin Han.

“So, it’s a new pet?”  

“No.”

“Then… you’re a new client?”  

“Yes. Potentially.”  

Jumin heard an attempt at a stifled snicker and the hospital gained a mental strike in his mind.  

“Okay well, I’ll just go ahead and transfer you to MC’s voicemail. You have a wonderful day, sir!”

That sugary sweetness returned once more, perhaps even more high-pitched than it had been. There was a pause on the other line before your voicemail began. Your voice, in comparison, was light, airy. Jumin could only think of a pleasant song when listening to it – something he found himself falling into.

“Hi this is MC, I can’t get to the phone right now but if you’ll leave a message I’ll do my best to get back to you as soon as I can!”

Despite all the preparedness Jumin thought he might’ve had, he still managed to stumble the second that alerting sound went off.

“I-I ah yes – my name is Jumin Han, and I was considering setting up an appointment for my cat, Elizbeth 3rd. It’s just for an annual exam, though I don’t even think she really needs it she’s in pristine-”

Jumin realized he was rambling and cleared his throat sheepishly.

“Anyways, I was hoping I could ask you some questions before making a final decision. If you would call me back, it’d be appreciated. Thank you.”

Jumin let out a deep sigh and relented to the horrible process of waiting.

You returned the phone call in the evening when the warm oranges, purples, and slightest hues of a deep, murky blue were settling in and spreading overhead. Jumin answered in an instant.

“Hi! Is this Mr. Han?” Your voice was even softer beyond a recorded message. You sounded sweet, but just the tiniest bit tired.

“Yes. MC, isn’t it? I’ve heard many things about you.”

You chuckled. “Good things I hope.”

A smile tugged at Jumin’s face. “Good things only. It has set my expectations high.”

“Well, I’d be delighted to meet those expectations, Mr. Han. Now, what can I do for your Elizabeth 3rd?”

“Technically speaking, there is nothing that’s necessary. Elizabeth 3rd is perfectly taken care of. I simply can’t imagine any problems arising for such a creature.”

“And what kind of perfect creature is she?”

“She is a Persian.”

You thought for a moment, and Jumin could hear a pen tapping against a desk. “Persian cats can have some complications, even if they’re in otherwise perfect living conditions. Unfortunately, it just comes with the breed.”

A sudden twisting of knots appeared in Jumin’s stomach. He tensed. “Such as…?”

“Well, you know their cute little smushed faces? Like pugs their nasal passages are shorter and more susceptible to their environments.”

Jumin opened his mouth to speak, but you continued on like a textbook’s worth of knowledge had just been released.

“And Persians specifically are prone to polycystic kidney disease, and you have to watch out for that because if ignored when they reach eight or nine years old they could suddenly collapse and die-”

You stopped yourself. You might’ve not needed to jump to that immediate conclusion.

“But I uh – it is also perfectly possible that Elizabeth 3rd is in a completely healthy state!”

Jumin was now staring wide-eyed at Elizabeth 3rd who sat uncaringly in the center of the living room. She was grooming herself and only her tail was lightly swaying from side to side across the carpet. She appeared almost serene.

‘They could suddenly collapse and die.”

A pit crumpled in Jumin’s insides.

“When’s the soonest I can come in?”

You laughed nervously. There was a clicking of a computer mouse and a brief moment of silence where you glanced through the schedule. “I can squeeze you in tomorrow afternoon?”

“I’ll be there.”

“Mr. Han… are you okay?”

Jumin looked once more at Elizabeth 3rd who now raised her head to meet him. She closed and opened her eyes slowly, mewing.

“I will be when I know Elizabeth 3rd is okay.”

You sighed. “It sounds like Elizabeth 3rd has a very devoted pet parent. She is lucky to have you Mr. Han.”

“I am lucky to have her.”

The call ended soon after with you meekly attempting to assuage his fears, and Jumin beginning to pace about Elizabeth like any cause for concern he’d already miss would simply leap out for a dramatic entrance.

Jumin could now hardly wait for the appointment he considered pointless just hours ago.

V may or may not have received multiple texts of concerns throughout the night. The internet truly did not help the situation.

‘I read online that Persians with blue eyes can have something called Congenital ankyloblepharon. While the website says it’s not deadly, another said it’s linked to a fatal disease.’

‘Because of Elizabeth’s small nasal passage, a website is now telling me Elizabeth will more than likely develop a heart condition. Elizabeth 3rd does not deserve this.’

V had begged him to just wait until tomorrow and Jumin reluctantly agreed.

When the appointment finally arrived, Jumin had made sure Elizabeth would only travel in the best his wealth could provide. However, diamond-encrusted cat carriers apparently took a great deal of time to create, so a polyester and mesh carrier would have to do – lined with sherpa, of course, and filled with her favorite toys.

While Jumin had been anxious and fidgety the entire drive, Elizabeth 3rd was curious, excited even. When Elizabeth was pawing at the mesh lining to peek closer at the car window Jumin was tugging at his sleeves and holding his breath. Even Driver Kim took notice, though his support did little to ease his worries.

He only felt a little ease when he finally arrived at the clinic. The secretary had been stunned at the famous heir’s arrival, but quickly recognized his voice. Her surprise then shifted to amusement, a sly smile stretched across her face.

“Hello Mr. Han! How’re you doing today?”

Jumin furrowed his brow, glancing away. “I am… anticipating my meeting with MC.”

“Stressed for the little lady?” The secretary pointed with her pen to Elizabeth 3rd, now rolled over on her back and playing with one of her toys. This was easily one of her favorite days already.

“Very much so.” Jumin answered.

“We’ll be sure to get you in quick then.”

Jumin nodded hurriedly, and sat down. When his name was called he nearly tripped from how quickly he shot up. It was a… difficult day for maintaining composure.

He ran his fingers through his hair, took a deep breath, and then proceeded on through the hall where you waited in the consulting room.

He hadn’t quite known what he’d expected when he saw you, but he still found himself without words, if only for a second. Your face was kind, far more than the ones he’d known throughout his life with eyes that offered a sense of comfort to soften the stress so clearly brimming at the surface.

“Hi Mr. Han.” You set a ginger hand on Jumin’s shoulder, offering a warm smile. “I heard you’re feeling a little concerned for Elizabeth 3rd?”

“That is an understatement.”

You folded your lips in thought, drawing your hand away only to lightly clap, determined. “Well I’ve never met an animal I can’t help, and I don’t intend to stop now.”

A bit of the weight dropped from Jumin’s chest. You tapped against the examination table – a heavy counter in the center of the room with a smooth, thick surface.

The room itself was decorated with pictures of animals surrounded by varying degrees of puns. The one the most caught Jumin’s eye was a photo of a cat, tail tucked just over its paws and a sweet expression beneath the words, ‘you’re purrfect.’

He wondered if you chose that one personally. He hoped so.

Jumin unzipped the carrier atop the counter for Elizabeth 3rd to poke out. She only hesitated for a moment before stepping out to greet your hand, fingers outstretched for her to curiously sniff. You beamed at the very sight of her, leaning down as she dipped her head against your hand, eager to be pet.

“Hello, Ms. Elizabeth! Aren’t you beautiful?” You scratched her cheek and her purring began, akin to a lawnmower. “She’s so sweet!”

Jumin watched as you examined her, flashing a light in her eyes and ears, squeezing her tummy for any masses, and flexing her legs for achy joints. Her temperature was normal, not even a rapid heart rate.

“Now I don’t want to stress her out on her first visit but I recommend we do an ultrasound,” You had remarked, rubbing her belly in one of the rare opportunities that a cat not only tolerated such an action but enjoyed it. Elizabeth 3rd was a rare creature indeed. “It’s just to make sure she doesn’t have anything bad developing in her kidneys.” 

“Do you expect there to be anything?” 

Elizabeth pawed playfully at your fingers, pulling them close to rub her cheeks against them when you relented. You had to draw your gaze back to Jumin to keep yourself from becoming distracted. It was rare to see Elizabeth 3rd warming up to someone so quickly. “Do I?” 

You paused, and then laughed. “Of course you’re asking me, I’m sorry! I don’t know what got into me – she’s just such a cutie! But ah – no I don’t. Elizabeth 3rd is as close to perfect as it gets. You weren’t kidding when you said how well she’s taken care of.” 

“She means the world to me.” Jumin hummed, Elizabeth tipping her head to see him and meowing. She almost appeared to smile when he scratched just beneath her chin. 

“May I ask how you found her?” 

Jumin hesitated, remembering the golden hair and slender hands that once held Elizabeth. It brought a pang. 

“She was a gift from someone dear.” 

You could see Jumin’s sadness so easily. You could only make your best effort to soften the hurt. “They must’ve known you two would be perfect for each other.” 

Jumin lifted his head to look up at you, and you smiled. It was gentle, and at that moment, brighter than the very sun. You wore your heart on your sleeve, and it was beautiful. He grinned, if only gently. “Thank you.” 

“Just being honest.” 

The ultrasound was an experience. Jumin thought you had to be lying or attempting a cruel joke when you brought the clippers. There was simply no way you truly could want to ruin Elizabeth’s coat! 

You had promised only the ‘teeny-tiniest’ area would be shaved, but you also promised it’d be cute. Jumin couldn’t completely disagree. 

You had him hold her still during the ordeal, his hands folded over her front legs and keeping her close as you carefully ran the clippers over her stomach. Elizabeth simply rubbed her head against Jumin’s suit. 

“See! Look at that little pink tummy!” You pointed to the now thin white hairs where just between the faintest hints of skin could be spotted. You encouraged Jumin to run his hand over and it was… oddly soft if admittedly strange. 

“There’s no way you don’t think that’s adorable.” You exclaimed. 

“It’s not not adorable. 

That made you laugh. 

The procedure itself was quick and easy. The probe found no problems within Elizabeth’s kidneys and the only issue that arose was Elizabeth 3rd squeaking in surprise at the cold gel spread over her stomach. 

“I’m sorry sweetie, I’ll get this chilly stuff off you quick, okay?” 

You made plenty of little comments like those to Elizabeth 3rd. While many others would hardly regard something as minuscule you took every effort to make Elizabeth 3rd comfortable. Jumin noticed each and every time. You were doting. 

Just as you said, you wiped her clean, only peppering her in pets all over her belly and sides as she could rollover. 

“She is the picture of health, Mr. Han. The only thing I’d recommend is we make these ultrasounds yearly to keep an eye on her – and so I can see her again.” 

Jumin chuckled. “I take it she’s swept you off your feet?” 

“Like she’s my prince charming.” You snickered. “I’m a sucker for pretty kitties.” 

“I’m glad someone else can appreciate Elizabeth 3rd for her perfection.” 

You nodded. “I also appreciate the owner that’s given her the chance to flourish so much.” 

There was a different type of pang in his chest and the tiniest bit of red flickered upon Jumin’s cheeks. Either you didn’t notice, or you didn’t say anything. 

But you smiled. 

“I ah – I might need to bring her in again sooner than her next yearly. I’ve been researching and read of other conditions in her breed that I’d like to look into.” 

You caught on quick. “Right, and we wouldn’t want to overwhelm Elizabeth 3rd with so much on her first visit! It might be best to stretch these concerns over multiple appointments just so we can do the best job possible for her.” 

“And you can teach me what to look out for and how to find them.” Jumin settled Elizabeth 3rd back in her carrier, pawing at you through the mesh, pink pads just barely peeking through. 

“Of course! And you are more than welcome to call! In fact…” 

You tore off a piece of paper from your notes, scribbling quickly before giving it to him. “Here is my personal phone number, for any questions you may have.” 

Jumin smirked and tucked it away in his pocket. “I expect I could find quite a few until our next appointment.” 

You clicked your pen, simpering. “I’ll be patiently waiting, Mr. Han.” 

“Jumin is fine.” He stretched out his hand, palm open. “In fact, allow me to properly introduce myself – we weren’t given the proper chance. I’m Jumin Han. It is a pleasure to meet you.” 

Warmth reached your cheeks, but you didn’t object, returning the gesture with a firm grip. “MC. The pleasure is all mine. I really do look forward to seeing you again, Jumin.” 

It was rare Jumin could say the same, but for once he did, he truly, truly did. 

“As do I.” 

[apparitionism]

Why

I want to wish a very happy Gift Exchange Day to @mysensitiveside ​ ! This gift, a short and sweet AU, will keep on giving for a while, in that I wasn’t able to fling the whole thing across the finish line for you today. (No surprise, I’m sure, given my posting pace over the past... um... some time.) A second part will appear sooner rather than later, however, and I hope that the whole thing will be to your liking. Thanks of course go to @kla1991 for the organization of the whole  @bering-and-wells-exchange extravaganza... and I do just want to say that, as for my own reasons (reasons as such being quite relevant to this story), I still love Myka and Helena, and everybody in this bar, very much.

Why

“Why are you here?” Myka Bering asked of the dog she discovered in the hallway, gazing up at her, when she opened the door of her apartment one Saturday morning.

The dog blinked.

“Aren’t you Sam’s dog?”

The dog blinked again.

Things happen for a reason.

Myka had always been sure of that. So much so that it had shaped her idea of heaven: surely, the experience of paradise was nothing more, less, or other than finally being in possession of all the reasons.

When she was small, her “WHY?” refrain hadn’t distinguished her from her peers, but while most other children eventually gave up the incessant repetitions of that question, she never did. She discovered early on, however, that knowing whom to ask made an enormous difference in the quality of the answers she received: her mother’s exasperated “Because” was endlessly frustrating, as was her father’s equally unsatisfying “It’s magic.”

Which was why she became a research chemist, her choice of career happening for just that reason: it was always going to be a science of some sort, for the “why” questions—which she tended to ask internally now—had answers, if she put enough effort into finding them.

So it struck her as strange, that morning, to find herself asking “why” of a neighbor’s dog, out loud. The quality of any answer she got wasn’t likely to be high.

She had never seen the dog this dirty before. He... was it a he? maybe? she thought she’d heard “boy” at some point... had always seemed a little disheveled, his coat fluffed but lopsided, like he always slept on it wrong and nobody bothered with a comb. But never like this. Never with actual dirt.

She picked up the dog—he weighed less than she expected; she hadn’t realized how much of him was fur—and with some trepidation went to knock on Sam’s door.

No answer.

Myka took the dog back to her apartment. “Are you hungry?” she asked him. He blinked.

She had no idea what dogs ate, other than dog food, and she had no dog food.

She discovered that dogs ate several slices of cheese, a ham sandwich, a peanut butter sandwich, and a corn tortilla. Then dogs took a nap, no doubt exhausted from all the eating.

After numerous fruitless attempts at Sam’s door throughout the day, Myka called Mr. Nielsen, the super. “Sam moved out,” she was told. “Couple weeks ago. No forwarding address.”

“But I have his dog.”

“That’s nice of you,” Mr. Nielsen said.

“You don’t understand. I didn’t intend to have his dog.”

“Then maybe it isn’t nice. It’s not my problem either way.” He hung up.

Myka hadn’t liked Sam. He had asked her out, and she had said no, because he made her nervous. Anyone asking her out made her nervous, but this felt... different. She sensed she’d been right to turn him down, for he got visibly offended, in a way that made her even more nervous, such that she avoided him as much as possible afterward. He didn’t seem like a good person. But to move away and leave his dog behind?

She considered taking the dog to the animal shelter. What was she going to do with a dog? “What am I going to do with a dog?” she asked the dog in question. He blinked.

“I guess it’s you and me, dog,” she said after that Saturday turned into a weekend, the weekend into a week, one week into two.

And he looked at her as if to ask not “why?” but “what took you so long?”

She bought a leash. A bed. Actual dog food. So many products. “I’ve never shopped this much for myself,” she told him. She couldn’t decipher his blink in response to that information. Was it “But of course you should buy more for me” or “You should buy more for yourself”?

As it happened, he was a responsibility in ways she had not expected to enjoy. She had to leave work at midday, every day, to go home and walk him. She had that thing to do, and she did it. Her lab neighbor Abigail teased her about the dog being just an excuse to escape the lab, an excuse who probably didn’t even exist. “He’s real,” Myka protested. “I even had to come up with a name for him.”

Abigail laughed. “Sure you did.”

“Leukotriene.”

Pause. “Okay, now I’m convinced. Mostly. But I still want photo evidence.”

It hadn’t occurred to Myka to take a picture of the newly named Leukotriene, but she did so that night. She included a ruler in the photo for scale, lest Abigail mistake him for a Pomeranian, which was the breed—as far as Myka could tell, given her limited dog knowledge—he most resembled. The next day, “That’s him,” she said.

“Your dog.”

“I guess so.”

“He’s really... pretty.”

At home that night, she told him, “Abigail thinks you’re pretty.” He did the blink. “Yes,” she affirmed, “I do too.”

She shortened his name to “Leuko.” He didn’t seem to hate it. Then again, he wasn’t very vocal, positively or negatively.

She took him on walks, increasingly long ones, on the winding trails of the city’s largest park. She had never been a walker, but Leuko was... well, no: he was a trotter. A delighted, peppy trotter. Myka tried to match his bright energy, but she didn’t ever feel the same shine. It made her unaccountably happy, though, to see him that happy.

When she bathed him, he suffered it (no bright energy there), but she had a sense that he knew how impressive he looked when he was clean. His fluffy tan coat expanded into even greater glossy magnificence, an invitation to sink fingers in, and it rewarded the venture.

The best part, though, was when she would sit on the sofa, reading a journal or, less frequently, a novel, and he would lie against her, sighing as she rested her hand against his soft, warm body.

It was easy to forget that Sam had ever existed. Easy to sink into the belief that she and Leuko had always been a team. That this new texture of her life—this sneaky, responsibility-laden velvet—was a reality that had simply been held in abeyance until the right time. And now was that time.

One Saturday, as they walked in a nearly empty park, enjoying an early cold snap, Myka heard from a great distance an exclamation: “Monty!” She wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but suddenly her leash hand was empty, and Leuko was tearing across an open field, toward a solitary female figure, barking, making noise like he’d finally learned, or just remembered, that he had a voice.

Myka took off after him, drawing near at the moment he leapt—yes, leapt—into the woman’s arms.

She was striking, with dark eyes that rhymed with Leuko’s... in fact, she rhymed entirely with him, with his beauty. She looked up from him to Myka, those dark eyes widening, seemingly shocked to find another person present. “This is my dog,” she said, a little halting, as if she were trying the words out. Or as if she were coaxing them back into her mouth from far away.

Myka’s breath seized. “No,” she said, forcing the word out. “He’s my dog.”

“He is not. He’s mine. You can see it.”

Myka could see it. It drove ice in her heart to see it, to see him so ecstatic to see someone else, but it was there to be seen. It was there to be heard, too: Myka would never, she was sure, forget that declarative bark.

“He was lost for so long. How did you come to have him?” the woman asked, and Myka, trying to hide that heart-ice, explained about Sam. The woman said, shortly and with pain, “So that’s what happened.” She didn’t offer anything more, and while Myka wasn’t the most sensitive of souls, she could tell that this was not the sort of thing a stranger could ask any question about, not why or wherefore or anything at all.

A stranger. She was a stranger to both of them now, this woman and her dog, a stranger in their way, on the path in front of them—on a path she never should have been on in the first place. And if there was one thing Myka knew how to do, it was get out of the way.

She tried, mightily, to tell herself that that was what she should do: just step away. Let them carry on down the path. You didn’t have a dog before, and you were fine.

Leuko—Monty—looked at her from his perch in the woman’s arms. He blinked.

In response to that, Myka found herself babbling, “Can I... I mean, would you maybe let me... walk him sometime? Because he and I. I mean, or maybe just me. I. I’ll miss... it all.”

“I’m disinclined to let him out of my sight,” the woman said, with seeming care.

Myka didn’t have to ask why. “I don’t mean alone,” she said. “Just to see him.”

The woman looked at the dog in her arms. Did he blink? Whatever he showed her, it was enough. “All right,” she said. “Next week?” At Myka’s nod, she continued, “I should introduce myself. I’m Helena Wells.”

Myka understood even that was a matter of trust. “I’m Myka Bering,” she said, “and let me give you my number so you—”

“I’d rather not,” Helena Wells said, with the same care.

Not overmuch trust. “I can bring you what I bought for him,” Myka said, and maybe it was a flail to show that Helena Wells did not need to doubt her intentions. “If you want.”

“Thank you, but I still have all his things. Always holding out hope.” She said that with a quirk of her lip that Myka envied. Hope—what was it?

But of course Helena Wells had held out hope. Even after Myka’s own short time with Leuko—Monty—she would have done the same thing. Had he suddenly been gone, had she not known why.

The next Saturday morning, Myka spent some time pondering a very strange question: what do you wear to walk your ex-dog with someone who probably wants to forget that you exist?

The relief Myka felt when Helena and Leuko—Monty—appeared... it nearly felled her. There he is, she thought, and he’s all right. Not that she had expected anything different, but it was a relief. After a week she had not understood as a ratcheting up of anxiety, she at last felt relief.

They walked, side by side, Leuko—no, Monty—leading the way, shining even more brightly than Myka had known he could. “I didn’t intend to have your dog,” Myka started. “I didn’t mean to keep him... I mean, to keep him from you. The super can testify to the timeline, and I—”

“It’s all right,” Helena said. “I see that.”

“But I’m trying to tell you why this happened.”

“It doesn’t matter why. He’s here, and I told you, it’s all right.”

“Of course it matters! You’d care if I did try to steal him.”

“But you didn’t,” Helena said, and her words were gentle. “You cared for him. You didn’t have to.”

That left Myka strangely perplexed, because now, in retrospect, what else could have happened? “Of course I did.”

And Leuko—no, Monty—looked up at her, and he did the blink, and Myka knew what it meant: “Of course you did.”

Meeting, walking. They fell into a regular Saturday-walk schedule. As the weeks progressed, Myka’s anxiety gave way to, made room for, anticipation. Leuko—Monty—never barked when he saw Myka, but he did pull on the leash as she approached and gave her a nuzzle when she knelt to greet him.

“Why did you name him Monty?” Myka asked, one Saturday.

That made Helena smile. “I didn’t. His breeder did.”

“His breeder?”

“He’s a Mittelspitz.”

“He’s... a medium? A medium spitz?” Well, that explained his looking like a Pomeranian.

“Precisely.”

Myka felt dim. “But what does that have to do with being called Monty?”

“Nothing, as far as I know. The breeder named his litter after the stars of A Place in the Sun; he’s Montgomery Clift. His sister is Shelley Winters, and his brother is Elizabeth Taylor.”

“His brother? Why?” Myka really did try to limit the asking of that question out loud, but this seemed extra-justified.

“He’s even more beautiful than Monty.”

Did Monty the Mittelspitz turn his head and harrumph at such blasphemy? Myka surely was imagining that. He must have just seen a squirrel. “Poor Shelley Winters, though,” Myka said.

Helena laughed... and Myka felt that she should name that laugh “Elizabeth Taylor” as well. Helena said, “No, no, she’s pretty too. A remarkably lovely litter, and in fact Shelley was the only one who was show quality. If beauty were all it took, Liz would have ruled the circuit.” Another harrumph. “Don’t pout, darling,” Helena said to the dog, then to Myka, “Why did you name him Leuko?”

“After a peptide,” Myka admitted. “Well, a group of peptides.”

“A peptide.”

That was an implicit “why,” and Myka was strangely comforted. “I’m a chemist,” she said.

“A chemist.” Helena furrowed her brow. “How funny that I didn’t know that. How have we not got around to professions?”

Myka wanted to say, “Because when we get close to anything about our real lives, one or both of us backs away.” They still had no contact outside the park, and even as they shared and deepened this strange long-walk familiarity, Myka did not know where the line was. Had it shifted? If not, would it ever? She tried, very cautiously, “I don’t know. Will you... will you tell me yours?”

“I teach writing.”

For some reason, Myka couldn’t hold back her next question, even though it was not justified: “Why?”

“I have knowledge and expertise to impart. Due to having studied writing. And having made a living in the past as a writer myself.”

“That’s a good reason,” Myka said, and she thought, That’s more than you’ve said about yourself in weeks of walks. Was something different about this day?

“Thank you. Though I may not need your imprimatur, I’m pleased to have it.”

Was she... teasing? “I like good reasons,” Myka tried to explain.

“Good reasons. Recognizing them is not inapplicable to the craft of writing.” Helena said this with a funny little bow of her head.

Myka’s facial capillaries flooded with blood.

She knew why, but she hid the answer in her heart, for she remembered all too well Helena’s desolate “So that’s what happened.”

On one of their earlier walks, they had run into Abigail. “How’s little Leukotriene?” she asked. “Or I guess he’s not so little. That’s weird; I thought he was a Pom.”

Myka resisted the impulse to remind her of the ruler in the photo.

The next day, “Who’s your girlfriend?” Abigail asked.

It was the first time Myka really registered that she had continued her habit of going home in the middle of the day. To no purpose at all, she went home, stood in her kitchen, ate a sandwich that no one else wanted any of, and then went back to the lab. It was not a responsibility anymore, and it did nothing for her. She resolved to stop.

“Not my girlfriend,” Myka said, but she was appalled at herself: for a rash moment, she had wanted to let Abigail believe otherwise.

“Walking your dog with her?”

“Not my dog.” On that point, of course, Myka wished she could let herself believe otherwise.

“Pretty sure the dog matched that picture you showed me.”

“He’s her dog.”

“You were trying to pass your girlfriend’s dog off as yours?”

“She’s not my girlfriend. And he was my dog... for a minute.”

Walking in the park every week was not a responsibility. It was a reward.

And as Myka enjoyed her reward, each week, she studied Helena’s face, listened to her words. She tried to tell herself she was merely continuing to assess Helena’s relationship with Leuko. No: Monty. And she was doing that... but she was doing so much more.

How much could Myka continue to hide in her heart? And for how long?

As if in answer, the Saturday following their “professions” discussion, Helena (and Leuko—no, Monty) failed to appear. Myka, desolate at the absence of them both, walked by herself. It was terrible.

The park was empty of them the following week as well. Still, Myka walked, taking the isolation as her punishment for having misunderstood lines and crossing them, for having been so foolish as to let any part of her secret heart show on her face.

The aftermath of that second lonely walk left Myka restless, anxious. Should she try to find Helena and ask her why she had so abruptly decided against... whatever they were doing? Could she then beg her to reconsider walking a dog together to no purpose? “I’ll stop wanting anything more than that,” Myka thought to tell her. “I promise.”

But of course trying to find her was out of the question; if Helena didn’t want even to walk with Myka, she surely didn’t want to be stalked by her.

So Myka did the only thing she could do: the next Saturday, she returned again to the park. And she hoped.

TBC

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[zelvyth]

 From a very young age it was reinforced that my ADHD was a disability I was meant to overcome rather than a tool I could use to better myself. I didn’t even know that I had been diagnosed, and that my mother had chosen not to medicate me, until I was partway through highschool. By that point I had already begun to give up on ever truly “making it” in life. The hurdles I needed to overcome had demoralized me to the point of near total apathy. Between my sexuality and early coming out in a small town highschool, and my various mental health problems, I felt like no one in the world saw things from my point of view. The last blow to my self esteem came when my grade 12 english teacher, the true decider of fate to any young person, told me my final thesis on Lady Macbeth being one of the greatest example of the flaws in Machiavelli’s “The Prince” was brilliant, but due to formatting and scattered grammar issues, she could give me no higher than a 60%. After years of getting consistent high 90’s in my english classes as well as other subjects, I had failed this extremely crucial essay due to the idiosyncrasies of the most frustrating language known to humankind. I passed that class with a 68, and felt like my fate was sealed. No chance at getting into any University in the country without redoing 5 months of work because one person believed that following the rules was a more important indication of intelligence than original ideas and the ability to make an argument. It crushed me. I admit that I didn’t put in the effort, but I had spent my entire life being told I was incredibly intelligent. It was the one thing I held onto. I felt betrayed by the education system. Though it was also due to many other factors at the time, this contributed to the second of my four suicide attempts. Today, I reject that philosophy. 

    When a person with ADHD is thinking, they connect ideas in their heads much faster than the average person. It can be confusing and disorienting to the people around them. I constantly have to explain how I got from point A to point B because the points connect automatically in my head. It’s exhausting, so I frequently do not bother to try. It’s extremely helpful when crafting an argument, however it can be debilitating in many aspects of modern life. Things the average person doesn’t think about, can be crippling for me. Without a true passion towards something, my ability to focus becomes hazy and my thoughts become scattered. I spend the majority of the day stuck in my head having conversations with myself instead of doing “normal” things with my time. I have spent my life being told that ADHD is my weakness, today I can tell you with the utmost certainty that it is my greatest strength.

    When the international pandemic of the respiratory disease “Covid-19” truly began and the world went into full nationwide lockdown, the bistro that I had, for the most part, happily been employed at shut down. After 8 years of honing my culinary craft certain that my skills, though undervalued, would always be needed somewhere, I was out of a job. Indefinitely. So was most of the country that worked with their hands or, in some capacity, physically with other people. Unless you were able to conduct business through zoom conferences or were a suddenly “essential” employee like a fast food worker, you were left with little to do but sit and think or try desperately to distract yourself from the increasingly troubling world around you. Luckily, to my surprise, the conservative government had pledged to keep us all fed and watered as best they could. What deeply worried me was the knowledge that my friends south of the border, through no fault of their own, and already mostly furious with their government, were not being treated with the same bare minimum of respect. I knew it was a recipe for true disaster and widespread civil unrest as early as march.

    I watched while the culture of social media, at least from my own lgbt bias, slowly started to shift and I picked up a lot of the big picture through memes and personally shared anecdotes. Celebrities were being ripped apart as they tried to get our attention again from their huge mansions while people sat at home worried about how to feed their children. Using insensitive phrasing like “we’re all in this together” when they undeniably weren’t. It quickly became a social caste system. The desperately poor trying to creatively make money any way they could. The often needlessly endangered. And the upper class for whom, little had changed besides the inability to do whatever they want at any given time. The lines were very clearly drawn. While the rich bemoaned their accessibility to haircuts, the poor argued with landlords about rent. All the while another group was frequently paid minimum wage to work on the proverbial front lines; flipping hamburgers, being yelled at by the rich because you were out of everything with the supply chain so damaged, or literally saving peoples lives. The anger and frustration quickly took over nearly every form of social media. Subtly, but day by day it grew. There was only so much one could do from inside their apartments, and globally, the havenots found solace and comfort with one another. The narratives of meme culture, which had matured and specialized far beyond the early days of “lolcats” and “trollface” comics, became almost exclusively about mocking the rich and their inability to deal with slight inconveniences.

Nearly every month of 2020 was a new major nationwide crisis and people had little else to do but talk about it or ignore it. The year kicked off with serious threat of a third world war because Donald Trump was tweeting intentionally inflammatory remarks towards the fascist leader of North Korea. All while nearly the entire country of Australia was ravaged by forest/bush fire. January saw a clearly corrupt president unbelievably not be impeached. Sparking outrage among, in my humble opinion, any sane individual. This also exposed, to anyone who knew all the facts, that the systems to hold those in power accountable was clearly broken and corruptible. Towards the end of January, beloved basketball player Kobe Bryant died in a horrible helicopter accident involving his daughter. Late February leading into early March was when global fears over Coronavirus began to be taken extremely seriously by every government in the world, the exception being the United States and the Trump administration. By late April, the country had over a hundred thousand dead, and nearly a quarter of its population out of a job. The irony of this, is that the calls to reopen the country didn’t come from those that had lost their jobs, but the upper class that had grown restless deprived from their usual comforts. Meanwhile we openly mocked them on instagram, tumblr, and twitter. Trying desperately to make light of a horrible situation and bring at least a little levity to their lives. News that a new breed of dangerously fatal hornets had migrated to North America was derided as a filler episode. One of my personal favourite takes on the year as a whole so far was a comparison to the four horseman of the apocalypse. January representing War, February representing Pestilence, March representing Famine, and April representing Death. In fact a lot of meme culture started to take on an extremely apocalyptic vibe. The message for many was clear, and depressing.

Then things started to happen really fast, so fast that for many it would make your head spin looking at it from the outside. It began with a video featuring a white Canadian woman from Waterloo named Amy Cooper that went viral across the globe. In the Ramble area of Central Park in NYC, this woman was filmed by a clearly peaceful, yet insistent, black man named Christian Cooper, no relation, asking her to leash her dog. This is a bylaw of the area. The woman refused and began to become very distressed, roughly handling her dog by the collar. She started dailing 911 and accused the man of assaulting her to the dispatcher. What many understood about this act, and rightfully called her out in outrage over, is that she was using her knowledge of how police handle black people in America to threaten this mans life over leashing her dog. She has been fired, and the shelter has taken her dog back.

Two days later, as I was travelling to my family’s cottage to “get away from it all and unplug”, a friend sent me a snapchat video from Minneapolis. It was on fire. I immediately did everything I could to try to find out what had happened. That, is when I saw the video of 8 minutes and 46 seconds of a police officer with his knee on the neck of another human being. This did not shock, nor suprise me. I had followed the many accounts of police killing people on video since 2014 when I was 16. When the Ferguson protests over Michael Brown’s killing by police officers were broadcast over most of the developed world. I had seen little change, despite Barrack Obama being President. This continued to happen for the next 6 years, though there were no more protests. Some of the people of those original protests that started the Black Lives Matter Movement, went missing over the next several years. Mainly those that had been photographed.

George Floyd’s death, I feel, was the straw that broke the camels’ back. Which is how anyone who has personally experienced police mistreatment and injustice would understand watching that video. A societal contract had been broken. And Minneapolis started to burn down the city that would let this happen to their friend, their neighbour, their father, their brother, and most importantly, their son. The words that chilled me to my very core… And continue to make me cry when I think about. Continue to make me want to punch every cop I run into.The words that have caused me to continue having this argument every day with everyone I know. The words that make me want to scream and rage and burn that country to the ground….  “Mama”

In his dying breaths this man called out to his mother. Who had died 2 years earlier. Who could not come save him. The police officer casually, with his hands in his pockets, knowing he could get away with it, murdered that man while he called out for his dead mother. Suffocated him to death in the middle of a global pandemic driven by respiratory disease. If I had been in Minneapolis that night, I would have helped burn it to the ground.

Something I didn’t expect happened then. Something I didn’t expect when I saw the fires and the rage from mostly black citizens of the city. As I watched Fox News try to turn the story into a conversation about rioting and looting rather than Police accountability. Other peaceful protests started up in other cities. My entire social media feed from multiple sources was filled with people discussing their anger and vowing to protest it. I don’t like to admit that I didn’t see this coming. But on May 26th, as I ravenously tried to keep up from the comfort of a cottage on Crystal Lake Ontario, a spark of hope for humanity that I had lost a long time ago started to ignite.

Something interesting happens when you get most of your information from social media. It either makes you hyper critical of everything you’re told and willing to research anything important, or it makes you willing to believe anything your friends tell you. As the protests kicked off in major cities across America, after months of inactivity, my ADHD kicked into high gear. I used every neuron of my brain power to follow the protests from as many different angles as I could. Most importantly, I followed the story from the people who were at them. That’s what growing up in modern society makes you do. After months if not years if not decades of being lied to for personal gain constantly. It makes you pay attention to the people who have nothing to gain.

I got back to my appartment from my cottage a day later, still glued to my phone. Barely talking, barely eating, barely sleeping. I watched police officers in riot gear throw tear gas into peaceful protests in every city in America. Tear gas, by the way, is an international war crime in combat situations. I watched media with an implicitly right wing bias condemn the protests. Convincing people that looting was worth a war crime. I watched it work. It worked with my own father. It did not work for me. I watched the news from political biases of both sides but took most of it with a grain of salt. That’s what I had been taught to do from as young as 14 by the world I grew up in. The news could give me general information. However, the story was on the ground and I knew from experience that people would try to bury it so I had to watch it as quickly as possible. I watched friends of mine in the states get tear gassed and beaten while exercising their first amendment rights. I watched the news condemn the protests. I was horrified. I watched the peaceful protesters of police brutality in New York get beaten and gassed from a minimum of 30 different perspectives of the people I knew and trusted, and those I didn’t. I watched the peaceful protestors in LA get beaten and gassed from the same amount of perspectives. I watched them throw flash bombs and shoot rubber coated bullets into the faces of my friends in every city in America. I watched the President of the United States order the peaceful protestors in front of the White House to be beaten and gassed so he could have an awkward photo-op with a fucking bible. I watched this for a week straight from every angle available. Day in and day out. Every hour I was conscious, I watched fascism try to grab power in in every city in America. I watched people in powerful positions deny it.

It wasn’t just paying attention to the protests and the news of them explicitly. I wasn’t just filled with horror. I was also watching something wonderfully unexpected happen. I watched my black friends, my gay friends, my asain friends, and my intelligent friends, begin to weaponize social media. I watched them beg all of their friends to do the same. So did I, even though I felt like there wasn’t anything I could really do from cozy liberal Waterloo. I watched us all turn the algorithms against the people who made them. I did everything I could to make sure you couldn’t turn away. I told my gay white friends condemning the actions of protestors that his rights came from a riot. I watched them shrink in fear of my voice. My father told me I was getting caught up in left wing rhetoric. I tore his arguments to shreds. He told me broad angry statements don’t do anything. I told him broad angry statements create the conversation we’re having. Resistance is a highway with many lanes, and I knew my lane.

You grow up, especially in my age, especially when you’re gay, especially when you are exposed to a lifetime of stories of rebellion against tyranny, hearing about the power of resistance. As I marched in Waterloo with over thirty thousand people I didn’t know, I realized that I have never truly understood that power. How it surges through your body like electricity as you scream until your voice is hoarse. It’s a high better than any drug known to man, than any pride parade where I was pandered to by corporations for hours. It took my fear, and my anger, and my helplessness and turned it into raw power exploding from my body. I continued to watch people I knew deny reality. 

The protests grew. They spread across the world like wildfire. I went to facebook, a place I avoid because I don’t agree with the majority of people on it, and told anyone who would listen to me that this is what Pride means. What it truly means to be proud of your community. Not a rainbow flag in a store window, not a corporation asking you to buy it’s rainbow backpack. But turning apathy in face of evil into raw unbridled electricity. I watched the protests spread to Montreal and Toronto, I watched the police mishandle things there too. I watched violence perpetuated by the state against my friends, people I’ve known for years. The power I felt merely grew. It grew with every flash grenade and bullet and tear gas canister shot at my friends. It will not subside till this is over or until I die. I’m going to spend the next decade giving up the comfortable life of good food, great drinks, and fantastic company that I found in the restaurant industry. I’m going to spend a decade getting my Law degree to fight for every last one of us in the courtroom because that is a place I can make it count. 

Today is June 8th of the year 2020 and I began writing this piece at Noon, it is now 4:11 P.M. I have done zero editing and I refuse to. I submit this as my revised final essay. I want to know when you got behind the protests. Because if it was as you were reading this, I deem you unworthy to judge my critical thinking skills. If it was yesterday I think you should be ashamed of yourself. I was with them from hour one. You should have been too. How dare you spend years teaching children about racism and oppression. How dare you tell me that I’m not worthy of higher education in any form. Telling children that wikipedia is unreliable as a source is idiotic, it’s one of the most peer reviewed encyclopedia’s to ever exist. How dare you tell me and the young adults you teach that you don’t give out scores higher than ninety percent. What is the point of forcing teenagers to write in cursive. Why must I live the experiences you write about in your precious properly formatted essays. In this country a 68 is two percent shy of getting into any University.  It’s sentencing an intelligent person with an array of disabilities a life of believing they have no power. Despite my own mistakes at the time and the amount I have grown as a person since, I will hold you personally accountable for that. 

As a closing statement, to every English teacher in this province, no, to every English teacher in the great country of Canada. Think very hard about when exactly you put your full support behind this movement. Because your curriculum is outdated, and absolutely useless in the real world. And your racism is showing.

Post Script.

There is no bibliography of unbiased sources because all sources are biased. You have a supercomputer in your pocket and this should all be public information. Look it up.

[paladin-andric]

Jotober, Day 2: Mindless

For today, we get a rather interesting tale. Set at the dawn of Geralthin as a kingdom, while dragons still fought for control and Godfrey still reigned, humanity runs into its first case of a feral dragon! Extremely rare to be born, they’re not something mankind has ever seen before, and not something they’ll see very often afterwards...

“You called, Vendric?”

A man in fine clothes, carrying sheets of parchment stepped through a pair of oaken doors, eyes darting over to the man by the other exit.

A bearded man in a suit of armor stood with his arms crossed. “Yeah, about time you showed up. You’re gonna want to see this. Follow me.”

The commander turned and left the room, the finely-dressed man following after him.

“Tell me something Joseph,” Vendric spoke while walking, “How extensive are your dealing with dragons?”

“Very,” the other man answered. His tone was one of noticeable resentment. That drew a laugh from the commander.

“Yeah, I know, I know. I don’t envy your position, but I hear you really like getting to examine em’ when there’s no danger involved.”

“Spare corpses, there’s ALWAYS danger involved,” the researcher said dryly. The other man turned and gave him a big grin.

“Not this time.”

Joseph felt a pit in his stomach at that remark.

“Vendric...what did you do?”

“You’ve seen captive dragons before, haven’t ya?”

The researcher stopped in his tracks, voice loud. “No, nuh-uh! You are NOT telling me I’ve gotta deal with some lunatic in chains!”

“Joseph-”

“No, I’m not doing this again! I nearly died last time!”

“I know you’ve dealt with captives before, you fool!” Vendric shouted, “I wouldn’t have called you here if that was the case!”

The pale man sighed and put a hand on his head. “Then why did you ask that question? It only leads to one conclusion.”

“This is a very special case. I told you it was something you had to see for yourself.”

The researcher frowned. “I’ve dealt with liars too, Vendric. It ISN’T your friend, and it DOESN’T want to meet me.”

“It’s not a liar,” the officer said confidently, “It’s, well...I don’t even know WHAT it is.” The confidence had all but faded in a moment. “I was hoping you could work out what it was.”

Now Joseph was curious. Never before had he heard someone speak of a dragon in such a way. Sure, they were a mystery, but everyone knew what they were; giant, magical beasts of legend that destroyed an empire and nearly annihilated the human race, driven by greed and arrogance...except for Gira, of course. That much was common knowledge.

“...you have my attention.”

“Very good. It’s just this way. And don’t worry, like I said, I know this situation is...unique.”

The pair walked through a winding hall of wood and stone, sparse with decoration. This fortress was a strange place for Vendric to call the magical researcher to, but with the knowledge that something involving dragons was being held here, it was starting to make sense.

Soldiers occasionally passed by the pair, patrolling the area and keeping watch. A few threw them some frown and puzzled looks. Something was going on around here.

At last they reached a heavy stone door at a dead end, guarded by two soldiers. The two men silently pulled the heavy doors open outwards, allowing the pair to enter.

Joseph followed the commander inside, eyeing the two soldiers as they watched him go. With only a line of torches to light the way, the researcher groaned as he caught a gleaming reflection of scales in the distance.

“Vendric, I thought you said-”

“Shh...look.”

As Vendric stepped forward, the darkness gave way to a most unusual sight.

Within a cage of metal bars sat...a dragon. Just what Joseph was hoping wouldn’t be there.

The chief factor throwing him for a loop however, was the way it reacted to him.

The creature was quite small, only a little larger than either of the humans. Likely a child. The beast had red scales and golden eyes that seemed...empty. Not in the literal sense, it could see just fine. It was just that it seemed...glassy. Unfocused. It could see the men, but it didn’t seem to understand who they were.

The dragon growled and bared its teeth menacingly.

“What, no threats?” Joseph asked, “No boasting?”

“That’s just the thing, professor,” Vendric said, striding up to the cage and leaning against it, being sure to knock a fist against it for effect. “This thing doesn’t talk. At all.”

As the cage rattled from the hard knock, the dragon turned and hissed at the commander, jumping forward and biting down onto the iron bars. The beast let out further growls as it feebly bit and nibbled on the iron in an attempt to break it. Mature dragons could do so with little effort, but this child had a lot of growing to do…

“What the hell’s wrong with it?” Joseph asked, “It’s acting like...a dog, or a cat, or something!”

“I was hoping to ask you the same question,” the commander retorted, “Everyone knows these things are smart, a little TOO smart for everyone’s good, I’d say. We found this bugger snooping around in the forest, seemed completely aimless wanderin’ through the trees. It was shocking enough that was caught it, cause we sure as hell knew this wasn’t something anyone had seen before. Called you up right away.”

Joseph crouched down and got a better look at the dragon. The eyes...they were all wrong. Like the wild and erratic gaze of a newt or other lowly lizard. Not something with the intelligence he knew they were supposed to have behind them.

It thrashed against the cage, growling and snarling as it tried to break free but to no avail. It seemed unable to learn that its attempts weren’t working, and never tried anything new.

It was like an alligator with wings.

Vendric gave the other man a puzzled look. “Well?”

“Thing’s… completely mindless!” Joseph concluded. The creature didn’t seem to react to or understand his words at all, either, still scratching and biting the iron bars.

“Right?! That’s what I said! I don’t understand it, not at all. You think this is a new breed or something?” Joseph’s eyes narrowed as he gazed at the wild beast. “Mmm...its physiology is a perfect match. I don’t know, I think...there’s still so much we don’t understand about them. Perhaps if I could run some tests, I might be able to discern...something.”

“Be my guest. I’m eager to find out myself. Now, you’ll be good for Mr. Joseph here, won’t you, ya little runt?!”

A punch to the cage seemed too much for the creature. It roared out in fury and spat out molten flames, barely missing the officer.

“Mother of-”

Vendric tripped and stumbled backwards as he retreated from the ravenous dragon, falling to the ground.

Joseph sprung into action. His hands began to glow as his stance shifted. When the dragon turned to breathe flames his way, it was instead buffeted with a fierce, biting blast of frost. From his hands to the dragon’s face, a ray of pure cold stopped the rampaging thing in its tracks.

What the dragon did next was unexpected.

It reeled and backed away with a sharp yelp, eyes widening in fear. It huddled into the corner furthest from the researcher, whining and cowering as it shook violently.

The reaction made Joseph stop and stare in disbelief. This dragon, a wise and mighty creature of legend...it was acting like a dog that had just been struck by its trainer.

Vendric rose to his feet, dusting off his armor and grumbling angrily. “Stupid, stupid…”

“My God,” Joseph uttered quietly, “It...it IS acting like an animal.”

“Told you,” Vendric returned, “Damn thing...so, what does this mean?”

Joseph inched closer to the cage, which caused the dragon to press itself harder against the corner. The man slowly reached his hand through the bars and toward the dragon it looked frightened, so he spoke with a soft voice, like he did with animals.

“Easy,” he whispered, “Easy. It’s okay.”

The dragon looked at the hand with some apprehension, not moving for the moment.

“It’s okay,” Joseph continued, “Take it easy. You’re safe.”

The dragon paused for a moment before craning its neck forward, and, to everyone’s surprise...it sniffed at him cautiously.

“See? Everything’s okay. Just take it easy, alright?”

He pulled his hand back, and the dragon slowly moved off of the wall and into the center of the cramped cell. It was no longer terrified, but still looked scared and unsure of what to do.

Joseph sighed and shook his head. “Well, commander...it means I have a long week ahead of me, that’s for sure.”

Tag list: @thereisnothingwrongwithbeingmad, @lady-redshield-writes, @paper-shield-and-wooden-sword, @sheralynnramsey, @tawnywrites, @writer-on-time, @oceanwriter, @zwergis-spilledink, @fluffpiggy, @elliewritesfantasy, @homesteadchronicles, @laurenwastestimewriting, @elaynab-writing, @the-ichor-of-ruination, @candy687, @fierywords, @shewrites-sometimes, @nerds-and-nebulae, @purpleshadows1989

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is your favorite color? Pastels, dusty rose, yellow, mint green. What is your favorite song right now? I don’t have a particular current favorite. Do you have any hidden talents? If so, what? Nope. Unless they’re still hidden from me. What is something you are shy about? I’m a shy person in general.  Are you double jointed? My thumbs are.

Do you have any deformities or birthmarks? I have a birthmark on my right elbow. What were you almost named? Andrea was a possibility. What’s your favorite dog breed? Labs and German Shepherds. If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your sexual orientation? Straight. What’s your religious or spiritual affiliation? Christian.  What’s something you hate being called, and why? Sensitive. I am sensitive, but I hate when people are like, “omg you’re so sensitive” or “stop being so sensitive.”  What are some of the meanest, most insulting things that have been said 2u? I’m the meanest person to myself. I put myself down all the time. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm. What do you get complimented on the most? If I get complimented at all, it’s usually my hair if it’s been recently dyed and styled, a shirt I’m wearing, or my purse.  Do you have any regrets? I have a lot. :/ What haunts you? My past mistakes. What do you regret the most? Some of my biggest regrets are health related. What do you beat yourself up about the most? The fact I’m 30 years old and not doing anything with my life. Worse than that, I have no idea what I want to do and I’m taking no steps to figure it out. I’m not working on myself like I should be. I’ve neglected myself in a lot of ways and I just feel....stuck.  How old were you when you started your period? 13. How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10? I don’t have a menstrual cycle anymore cause of health reasons, but when I did I had the absolute worst cramps. I had really bad PMS/PMDD. It really kicked my ass.  What’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? The pain right after surgery and during recovery time is  h o r r i b l e. What’s the most emotionally painful thing you’ve ever experienced? Losing loved ones. Have you had your heart broken? Yes, a few times.  What one thing would you change about yourself if you could? There’s so many things, but I think if I could change my health, mentally and physically, other things could follow. Who has hurt you the most? Life, man. What are you passionate about? Umm. Do you feel like anyone really knows you? I think my loved ones, especially my mom, know me pretty well, but not completely. I don’t even know myself in a lot of ways I feel like. Especially not this person I’ve become over the past few years. Do you open up easily, or does it take you awhile to trust someone? It’s not really a trust issue with me, I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to others.  Are you ever shy in any situations? I’m a shy person. Do you feel shy around certain people? I’m shy around anyone outside of my immediate family. Like even my extended family I feel kind of shy around still sometimes.  Do you feel shy around people that you want to like you? Like I said, I feel shy around everyone. If I want them to like me, then it just adds to it and I’ll feel extra self-conscious and awkward. Who was your first celebrity crush? Aaron Carter when his song, “Aaron’s Party” came out. I was like 10 years old. How old were you when you had your first crush? 9. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? No. Do you pray to God regularly? Not as often as I should. Are you a Christian? Yes. Do you consider yourself a disciple of Jesus Christ? All Christians are. How old are you? 30. Do you cry in front of others, or do you hold it in until you’re alone? My family, especially my mom, has seen me cry numerous times, but I really prefer to do it alone. I’ll try to hold it in until I can be alone. What was your most embarrassing moment? Blah. Have you ever been bullied? Only by myself. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes. Was there ever a time in your life that you couldn’t cry? I mean, yeah? Sometimes the tears just won’t come. Other times I can’t stop them from coming. Do you have love and support from anyone, or do you feel all alone? I have love and support from my family, but I still feel alone in some ways. Do you trust anyone? My family. Do you want to get married? No. What is your dream job? I don’t have one. :/ Are you happy with your life right now? No. Which has hurt you more: friendship break-ups or bf/gf break-ups? My breakup with Joseph was really hard and it took me a long time to get over, but I did. Past friendships that I’ve lost I still think about quite often, some of which happened like 15 years ago. Losing Ty as a friend really hurt. I miss him a lot. Have you ever been abused? No. Were you abused by your parents? No. Are you parents divorced? No. Do you have chronic pain? Yes, and other chronic health issues. If so, is your chronic pain physical or emotional, or both? Both. Do you wish you could talk to someone and share everything? I want to try and see if therapy will be of any help for me. I’ve been saying that for awhile, though. :/ What’s your deepest wish right now? To be healthy. Have you ever felt loved? I know I’m loved by my family. I feel it. When was the first time you remember feeling loved (be honest)? I’ve always felt that way with my family. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many? I have 2 brothers. Are you the oldest, middle, youngest, or only child? I’m the middle kid. Do you have a twin? No. Have you ever wished you had a twin? I did when I was a kid. One of my is definitely enough... Do you have a sibling who looks just like you? No, but we have similarities.  Which family member did you get your hair color from? My mom. Which family member did you get your height from? My mom. I always thought I would have been tall like my dad, who is 6′0, but apparently I’d only be like 5′4. I was really surprised by that.  How all are you? ^^^ Do you ever cry yourself to sleep? I’ve done that countless times. What’s one song that makes you cry? There’s a few. One of them is the acoustic version of Everlong by Foo Fighters because of the memories attached to it. Do books ever make you cry? They have. What’s a book that’s made you cry? There’s been a few. Do you watch a lot of movies? Yeah, kinda. Books or movies? I enjoy both. How many states have you lived in (if you live in the US)? Which ones? Just one: California. What advice would you give to someone starting high school? Oh boy. It’s almost 3AM and I’m too tired to give advice right now. What advice would you give to someone starting college? What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self? Take better care of yourself.  Do you feel appreciated and cared about, or do you feel neglected? I feel cared about and loved by my family. I feel neglected by myself.  Are you wounded? I feel that way. Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. What advice would you give someone who’s having a hard time in high school? And we’re back to the advice thing... What advice would you give to someone who’s being bullied? Please say something to someone. Tell teachers, principal, parents, family members, friends...  Do you get bullied a lot? As I’ve said, the only bully in my life is myself. Are you sensitive? Yes. Are you hypersensitive to sound? I have selective sound sensitivity, like misophonia.  …to smell? Yes. …to sight (as in, you seem to see colors brighter than normal)? No. …to touch/to hot and cold? Yes. …to food/taste? (i.e., spicy food or hot food might be too much for you) Yes.  Do you write in a journal or diary? This is my diary. Do you like to write? I used to. Do you like the way you look without make-up? Nope. I didn’t look any better with makeup.  Do you think you only look pretty with a tan? I don’t think I’m ever pretty. Has anyone ever called you beautiful? Yes.  Have you ever been mistreated by a crush? Not by a crush. Have you ever loved someone who hated you/treated you horribly? He played and used me. Have you ever dated someone just to try it? I kind of think my first boyfriend (and technically only) was a bit of that to be honest. I was 16 and wanted to have a boyfriend. He and I were close friends and I did like him, but like I said I think that did play a part.  Are you adventurous? No. Are you spiritual? Yes. …creative? No. ..intuitive? I think so. …spontaneous? No. Not to say nothing spontaneous ever happens, but I’m not a spontaneous person by nature. …rebellious? No. ….free-spirited? No. …open-minded? I think so. …optimistic? No. …..loud? No. ….stressed out a lot? Yes. ….shy at times? I’ve answered this a few times nows, I’m a shy person in general. …….shy when you’re first getting to know someone? Uh, yes. …painfully shy? Yes. …apprehensive? Yes. …easygoing by nature? Somewhat, yeah. I’m one to just tag along. Have you ever had a rumor spread about you that wasn’t true? No. Not to my knowledge, anyway. Do you often get treated as if you are worthless? I feel that way cause my mind tells me that. Do you often fear getting in trouble (whether or not you’ve done anything)? No. Do you get stage fright? My fear of public speaking is very real. Definitely don’t miss giving presentations in school. It never got any easier or better for me. Do you compare yourself to others? Yes. What are your favorite physical features on yourself? I like my hair when it’s been recently dyed and styled.  Do you like your natural hair color? Meh. Do you like your eye color? Meh. I wish I had blue or green eyes. Are you short or average or tall, and do you like it? I’m short.  Are you happy with the way you look? No. Are you naturally an early bird or night owl? I’m a night owl. Here we are at almost 3 in the morning.  At what time of day do you normally feel your best? Never? What’s the biggest regret of your life? Blahhhhh. What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Finding God, my family, all my doggos... What’s the best decision you ever made? Uhhh. All my mind thinks of are all my worst decisions. :/ What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever made? There’s been a lot of those. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done? Man, you’re asking the real questions. Too real for 3AM. Do you enjoy speech class? No, that was a nightmare.  Do you have neat handwriting? My handwriting is shit. Do you like your handwriting? Well, no. What is your name (first and middle), and do you like it? Stephanie is all you’re getting. What are you allergic to? Tangerines and I have seasonal allergies as well. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? 103. Have you ever been to the ER? Yes. Have you ever stayed overnight in the hospital? If so, why? Yeah, I’ve stayed a week, a couple weeks, and months after surgeries and when my accident happened. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Ever been questioned by the cops? Nope. …sexually harassed? No. ….sexually assaulted? No. ….been a victim of attempted rape? No. …been abused? No. …been bullied? This has been asked several times now. …been harassed? No. …been kicked out of a store because of the way you looked? No. …been kicked out of your house? No. …been the victim of a crime? Yes. ….been persecuted for your faith? No. …had someone try to shove their views down your throat? Yes. ….felt threatened for your life? Yes. ….felt all alone in the world? Yes. …felt like you were all alone in a world full of people out to destroy u? No, not in that way.  …felt ashamed to be human? Not to be a human, but being me. …felt ashamed of your faith? No. …felt self-conscious? Always. …cried yourself to sleep? Countless times. …cried on someone’s shoulder? Yeah. …cried so hard your whole body shook? Yes. …cried hard and wished you had someone to hold you? I like to be left alone when I cry, honestly. Are you superstitious? Eh, not really. Do you believe in astrology? No. Do you believe in the supernatural? Yes. Have you ever experienced anything supernatural? No. What’s one thing you find highly offensive? It takes a lot for me to be offended. What’s one pet peeve that you have? Eating sounds. Do you like long or short hair better? For myself? Long. Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog. Pineapple on pizza: yes or no? No. What’s your favorite pizza topping? Feta and ricotta cheese (in addition to the cheese that comes with the pizza already) and spinach.  Are you a democrat or republican, or neither? What’s one unpopular opinion that you have? I don’t like Nutella. :O Have you ever been healed of something supernaturally? If so, what? God. Have you ever encountered God? I’ve found Him in the sense that I wanted to seek Him out, build a relationship with Him, and study the Bible, which is what I’ve been doing for the past 2-3 years.  Do you encounter God frequently? When I pray and study His Word.  What’s the best encounter you’ve had with God? I’ve felt His presence and witnessed His healing. Do you pray daily? No. :/ That’s something I want to work on. I want to do that and I don’t know why it’s something I don’t do. Do you read the Bible daily? I finished my first ever read-through from start to finish a couple months ago, but the Bible isn’t something you just read once. I’ve been reading daily devotionals ever since I finished my read-through and there are passages included in them. I’m also about to start an online Bible study group soon. If applicable, what’s your favorite verse? I have several. Favorite worship song? I’m not familiar with too many, yet. If not daily, do you read the Bible regularly? Like I said, I finished my first read-through recently. I read everyday, often twice a day. The Bible isn’t something you read just once and you’re done. I’ll be reading it again and again and again. I’m starting an online Bible study group soon as well. Have you ever read the Bible? Well, yes... you should have started with that. What fascinates you? Psychology. What motivates you? What is the reason you wake up in the morning? Coffee, ha. Do you know your purpose in life? No. ^If so, what is it? I haven’t figured that out, yet. Do you believe you have a calling? I haven’t figured that out, yet.  ^If yes, do you know your call? ^If you do, what is it? Are you scared about the future, or do you take things day by day? I take things day by day, but yes I’m terrified of the future. Do you worry a lot, or do you put things in God’s hands? I worry all the time. :/  Do you believe in the power of prayer? Absolutely.  Have you ever witnessed a miracle? I believe so. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes. Do you believe you’re going to Heaven? I pray that I do.  What do you think happens after we die? Like I said, I believe in heaven and hell. Would you want to live forever? Do you want to live forever? I believe in eternal life with Jesus. I’ll want to live forever when I’m with Him because I won’t be in this body or this world. There will be no pain, no sadness, no sickness, no violence, etc.  What’s your favorite mode of transportation? Car. What was your favorite class in high school? English and Spanish.  What’s your favorite color combination? Pastels. Are you colorblind? No. ^If not, do you know anyone who is? Nope. Have you ever taken a colorblindness test? * Ive taken tests like that online <<< Same. Have you ever taken a right-brain/left-brain test? I’m pretty sure. ^If yes, are you right-, left-, or whole-brained? I don’t remember. What is unique about you? I don’t feel unique. What were you voted in the senior class polls? We didn’t do those. Did you like high school? I liked some of it. Were you ever popular? Nope, and that was perfectly fine with me. Do you wish you were popular? Nope. I would not have the energy for that.  Have you ever been painfully shy? Jeez, how many times have you asked about shyness?? I’ve answered this several times. Do you have a painful past that you want to forget? I have painful things from my past and yet I wouldn’t say I want to forget them? I don’t know, it’s weird. Have you ever been mistreated by a cop? No. Who has betrayed your trust? Some people from my past. Do you forgive easily, or do you hold grudges? I forgive pretty easily.  Do you believe in getting revenge? Nah. Have you ever experimented with any sort of witchcraft? No. Do people accept you and your beliefs usually? I mean, not all of them and that’s fine. How outspoken are you? Not at all. How outgoing are you on a scale of 1-10? Zero? Which season is your favorite, and why? Fall and winter. I love the holidays and the weather. Do you worry about others liking you? Not so much anymore. Have you ever tried to impress someone? Yeah. Have you ever lied to impress someone? Probably little white lies. …dressed a certain way to impress someone? Yes. Which animals are you afraid of? ALL bugs. And snakes. And mice. And wild animals are scary, but thankfully I never encounter any except if I visit the zoo and I feel fine cause there’s protective barriers. If I were out in the woods and encountered a bear.... :O I do have a real irrational fear of killer whales; though, which I never encounter. I can’t explain that one. Do you kill spiders and ants? I personally don’t, but I get someone else to! What’s one animal that describes you, and why? Sloths. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. Do you celebrate holidays? Yes. Do you decorate for holidays? Yes. Have you ever had to avoid someone because you were jealous of them? I don’t think for that reason, no. ^If so, why were you jealous of them? What did they have that you wanted? What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Scruffy. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? I think I was 8 or 9.  Did you pray to God when you were a child? No. What is your favorite thing you’ve been for Halloween? I don’t know what I’d say my favorite was. I enjoyed dressing up for Halloween, though. Well, up until about 4 years ago when I was just over it. I still enjoy Halloween, I’m just over the dressing up part now. I don’t go anywhere or do anything anymore for Halloween except for just staying home, getting takeout, and watching scary movies.   Who is your favorite Disney princess? Ariel and Belle. Favorite TV show as a kid? Shows on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, PBS, ABC Saturday morning cartoons, Kids WB, Fox Kids (or something like that). Favorite cartoon character? Alice from Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? Good ol’ vanilla buttercream is the best, but I also like strawberry, lemon, and cream cheese. Favorite fast food restaurant? I like McDonald’s, BK, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, and Jack in the Box. I haven’t really been into fast food the past few months, though. Favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry. This may be old, but did you hear “yanny” or “laurel”? I think I heard Laurel.  Do you prefer silver or gold? I like both. What’s one color you look terrible in? Well, I don’t feel I look good in anything, so.  What are two colors you look great in? I feel most comfortable in black. Would you change your skin tone/complexion if you could? I’d like to be a little tanner. Do you think you look better with a tan? Still ugly, but I like being a little tanner. What color is your skin naturally? Pale. What state and country do you live in? California, USA. Do you think you have an accent? I guess we all do, but it’s weird thinking of myself as having one. It’s not recognizable or identifiable like other accents, such as a British one, a southern one, or someone from like Boston, ya know? No one would think, “Oh, she’s probably from California” just based on how I talk. Which accent is your favorite? Some southern and British ones. What store would you like to win a shopping spree at? I’d prefer like a Visa gift card so I could spend it anywhere. Do you think for yourself? Yes and no. We’re all influenced or persuaded in some ways, sometimes subconsciously. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many? What are they of? Nope. What piercings do you have? Just my earlobes. Have you ever been rebellious? Ha, the most “rebellious” thing I did was smoke weed.  Describe your style in high school. Freshman year I was very girly and preppy, sophomore year I went through my emo phase, and junior and senior year it was just like teeshirts and jeans. I also liked accessorizing a lot.  What is your style like now? Leggings and graphic tees, all day everyday.  What one word best describes you? I don’t know. What one word best describes your room? Giraffes. ha. Who was your first roommate? I’ve never had one. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Mr. Coffey, my sophomore history teacher. He was really cool. He was a huge fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and played them all the time before class. We talked about music and stuff. I was really into the band Hawthorne Heights at the time and he’d play them sometimes, cool. Looking back, he honestly reminds me of Rob Dyrdek both in how he looked and how he acted. …least favorite teacher? I didn’t have a least favorite, really. None of my teachers were horrible or anything. What is your least favorite color, and do you ever wear it? Brown. I have one pair of brown leggings. What are your top three favorite colors? Pastels (I’m grouping them as one, shh), dusty rose, and yellow. Favorite fruit? Bananas. Favorite vegetable? Spinach and broccoli.  Favorite flavor of tea? Peppermint or Chamomile.  Tea or coffee? Coffee all the way. Are you flexible (physically)? No. Favorite coffee shop? I really just go to Starbucks. Favorite Starbucks drink? White chocolate mocha, caramel macchiato, and some of their seasonal drinks. When is your birthday? July 28th. What is your zodiac sign? Leo. ^Does it fit you? Nope. I’m the complete opposite of a Leo. What is your Chinese zodiac sign? *shrug* What genres of music do you listen to/like? I like various genres. Do you read a lot? I haven’t been lately. I’ve hardly read at all this year for some reason. I need to change that.  Do you like to read? I do. Are you organized? I used to be more organized.  Do you eat healthy? No. How often do you eat out? We get takeout a couple times a week usually. What’s something you want to change about your life? A lot of things... Do you wish you had more control over things? Absolutely. How do you express your anger? Cry. Have you ever reached your breaking point? I feel like I reached it long ago. Have you ever lived past your limits of endurance? I’m still here. Who do you miss? My loved ones who have passed. Do you pray in tongues? No.

[orcinus-ocean]

Pit Bulls Unleashed: My dissection (part 1)

So, I said I was going to tear this documentary apart, and now I’ve finally got the time to do it. I quit watching after less than 15 minutes the first time because I thought “I need to make a review and write it as I watch”. So here you go.

(After a while I realized I would have to split it into several parts, because it’s already getting too long and no one would read any longer than this.)

Disclaimer about sensitivity: This film deals with the very real tragedy of a child being violently killed, and the trauma the babysitter suffered. I in no way wish to be disrespectful to this. I am not a parent myself, I have no idea what it’s like to lose a child, let alone in such a brutal way, and I have never been present for a brutal attack or death. That however, does not mean people in shock and grief know what they are talking about, and if I hear them saying false, misleading or ridiculous things, I will correct it, but that is all in the interest of getting to honesty and truth, not dancing on a poor child’s grave or their grief. So I don’t need comments telling me how insensitive I am.

The film opens with a real emergency call of a woman screaming about two pit bulls attacking a child, cuts to footage with blood in the snow, then cuts to the same woman saying to the camera that she would "never have imagined in a million years that my dog - my PET - would attack me, and kill a child".

It cuts to the child's father graphically describing the sight of his son after the attack, with a picture of the toddler before it happened.

Overall, with the choice of clips and music, I get a very “modern sensationalist drama-docu feel”, similar to Blackfish and Fatal Attractions.

The first scene depicts about 30 dogs (a dozen of which being "pit bull type dogs") from a shelter in California being welcomed in Calgary. The organizer of this move explains they are taking in dogs on “death row”, that no one has so far shown interest in adopting, and if they didn’t take them, the dogs would be dead. (Then the narrator says these airlifts are done by an “animal rights group” - I think he’s a bit confused about what that term means.)

It cuts to a promotion video showing the pit bull as a perfect family pet, as well as celebrities owning and promoting pit bulls, including Cesar Millan explaining how he raised his kids around pit bulls, and that he hasn’t had a negative story with them.

It then cuts back to the woman in the intro, Susan, saying she used to watch Dog Whisperer before getting "the puppies", and that the show and number of celebrities getting pit bulls was important in convincing her that the dogs were safe.

This is warning sign number #1 to me. They thought the breed must be fine, because "X celebrity has them". I've watched most Dog Whisperer episodes, and in every single one it says "don't try this at home", but I also know how much the average Joe doesn't understand at all what's going on in the show, and so they think they can deal with a dog and be more likely to end up being Mr Millan 2, than one of the horrible cases he deals with (and typically, the cases he works with did watch his show, they just didn’t get the message at all or misinterpreted it horribly).

I may be reading too much into it, but it feels like she’s blaming Cesar for her failure. Meanwhile, he has a vast pack of dogs, maybe half of them pit bulls, often with bad stories, and they never attack each other or a human. He said the breed is fine, he never said every single person can own them. He even lists them among what he calls the “powerful breeds” frequently.

It then cuts to big warning sign #2 for me, as the narrators say how Susan and her boyfriend “adopted two puppies” crossed between pit bull and staffordshire terrier. I couldn’t believe it when I first watched and I hope it’s taken out of context, because it shows puppies maybe 3, 4 weeks old in her arms, and being fed milk in a bowl.

Again, I hope this is out of context and it doesn’t mean that a person with perhaps no dog experience took in these young puppies without a mother, but what’s certain is they took two littermates (or puppies the same age), and raised them together.

That is a horrible idea, as everyone with dog experience knows. You never buy two puppies at once, because you can’t influence them as well as if you had them one-on-one, or only with older dogs. And if she really did take them at barely a month old, that is another huge alarm bell going off.

An animal taken prematurely from its mother will not be as mentally sound as if it had a mother. A human can never do the job as well as a mother of their own species. Let alone a human that perhaps never owned dogs before.

I’m already not surprised it went the way it did. And of course she’ll blame the dogs.

She goes on about how the dogs were trained, socialized with other dogs, how friends’ kids would come over, and that the dogs were loved. I don’t doubt this at all. But this is the common error people make - they think that in order for a dog to attack, they must be abused. So in her mind (perhaps), if the dogs weren’t abused, and they did attack, it must be the breed’s fault.

This is entirely false. All it takes is an owner who misunderstands and disrespects the animal’s nature, and with her ignorance displayed so far, that’s pretty obvious to me.

She sounds exasperated at the fact that the dogs were cuddling with her in her bed “that morning”, and it again cuts to the image of the toddler boy, Dax.

The narrator explains how, on the morning of March 6th, 2013, Susan was babysitting Dax as she had many times before, and it cuts to his dad, Jeff, describing his boy. The narrator then explains how that morning, Susan let the dogs out while holding Dax, and that within seconds, the dogs went “from pets to predators”.

"They just kept coming at us, and Dax... they pulled him out of my arms, and...“

I wasn’t there, no one but her was there, to my knowledge there is no footage of the event, but what I can guess at is that the two dogs - brought up together as puppies by an inexperienced owner, perhaps allowed to jump and lick and play very “rambuctiously”, because she thought they were “perfectly safe” (no dog is “perfectly safe”, unless it’s a 15 year old Chihuahua with no teeth), were running around, playing, engaging in normal predator-play fight behavior between each other.

Then they went over to Susan and Dax, and started jumping on her in a “playful” manner, and she held Dax back (again, this is all speculation), something people almost always do when holding a child and dogs interfere.

What happens then is as you move the child (same if you’re holding an object, like food), it becomes a target. As it moves away, the dogs want to follow, and have it more. Then the two of them would have been jumping on her, still in predator-play/fight mode, and it switched very quickly from play to reality, to adult predator mode.

I said it the other day in the other post, I’ll say it again, because people need to get it - dogs are not rational.

DOGS. ARE. NOT. FURRY. HUMANS.

In 2012, a case happened in Sweden that could have led to a death, but didn’t. Two Alaskan malamutes were out running in the forest, far away from their (irresponsible) owner. The dogs came upon a few women riding horses, and so chased the horses (prey animal). The horses bolted, and eventually, one of the riders jumped off as she could not control her horse, and the dogs proceeded to savage her.

She survived, but both dogs were killed. The owner faced no charges. Of course. It’s what always often happens. I was enormously frustrated at this, becuase most likely, there was nothing wrong with the dogs. Nothing at all.

They were just predators (malamutes have this stronger than many other breeds, and they are very large and powerful, but all dogs have it to some extent) running together in the forest (pack behavior, egging each other on to a state neither dog could have been on their own), they found large prey animals, they chased the prey animals, all these hormones would be coursing through their systems, preparing them for “the kill”, and then a human fell to the ground.

At that point, all rationality, all the years they’ve spent being loved by humans and perhaps never showing aggression even once, go out the window. The human is now just a piece of meat on the ground, a prey that has fallen. The dogs might have been completely normal, they just ended up in the wrong situation, because of a stupid, reckless owner, who went unpunished and could then go and just buy another two large, powerful dogs and set them loose in the forest and the same thing would happen again.

(Also in Sweden at the time, debates emerged about “Is the Alaskan malamute a dangerous breed?” Because apparently, there are “dangerous breeds”, and there are “safe breeds“, but that’s for later.)

Fredrik Steen, Sweden’s #1 “dog expert” said the following (translated by me): “We [in Sweden] romanticize dogs way too much. We forget that we’re dealing with predators, we don’t understand that basically all dogs are fully capable of doing this.”

Back to the film.

It cuts back to the original emergency call, with Susan screaming hysterically and crying for an ambulance.

Jeff explains how he was notified that Dax had been "bitten" and was taken to the hospital, and he thought "it's a dog bite, I was bitten by dogs before, how bad could it be?"

He describes that as he arrived at the hospital, he saw Dax being given CPR, and how his face was “just gone, from here - down, was just mangled”, and “there was blood everywhere”. The doctors could not save him.

I am making my own records from the list of “fatal dog attacks in the United States” on Wikipedia, and by March 6th, 2013, I find this, with more details of the attack than in the film:

When babysitter, baby in her arms she went out into her backyard let her two 45 lb. , they became "nippy", jumping up at the pair, so she batted them off. The dogs then attacked, and bit & scratched her, shredding her clothing and knocking her down, causing the boy to hit the ground, whereupon the dogs attacked him. The babysitter tried unsuccessfully to stop the attack, and redirect the dogs' attack onto her.

So I was right in my speculation that the dogs started by jumping and switched from previous play behavior to predatory behavior.

A neighbor heard screams but did nothing as he thought it was kids having a snowfight. She got the child away from the dogs and called 911 but left the baby unattended & totally naked on a cold hardwood floor. The boy was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and by helicopter from the hospital to a medical center later that day, where he was pronounced dead of dog attack. Before the attack, the veterinarian center where they had been spayed, neutered, and otherwise cared for had not seen them as dangerous, but one was described as "standoffish" while at the facility. The owner said she had got the three-year-old dogs as puppies and that they had never shown signs of aggression. After the attack, the dogs were euthanized and tested negative for rabies, and the authorities decided not to press charges against the babysitter.

They decided it was not her fault at all, while I often see these cases (again, in the list of cases in America) ending up charging the owners for “criminally negligent manslaughter” or similar things.

She went off completely free, despite it being her dogs, her responsibility, and she put the child in this situation. Maybe the dogs needed to be killed, I don’t know, but I think it’s a disgusting tendency (also seen in said list), where dogs are killed immediately, with no evaluation, but the owner goes free without any charges.

And as for what the film does, this is a very common tactic. A film brings up a highly emotional, devastating anecdote, and tries to use it as their #1 argument. And the thing is that it works, because humans are emotional beings. We’re not as irrational as dogs, but we’re still mainly guided by emotion.

If the film instead had said “in the years 2000-2015, X number of children were killed by pit bulls”, it wouldn’t at all have had the same effect as this one case did, showing it in such detail, talking about the boy’s personality and showing his pictures and footage. Documentaries on pit bull and “dangerous dogs” almost always do this.

While of course the long list of cases where labs and huskies (or other “non-controversial” breeds) kill children, are completely irrelevant. If they had made a documentary about “killer labs”, and brought up one of these cases in the same way, it probably wouldn’t have had the same effect, because the cultural narrative is that “pit bull = baby eating devil dog”.

The film explains the same thing, how Susan was found “not to be at fault”, and Jeff goes on to say how she didn’t do anything wrong, because “she didn’t abuse ‘em, the dogs were in good health”. This again. I’m finding it very difficult to be respectful right now, because grief doesn’t excuse you saying ridiculous, damaging things on TV.

I’ll repeat myself: You do not need to abuse, starve, beat or train a dog to fight in order for it to attack someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s a pit bull or another breed. All it takes is an owner disrespecting the predatory nature of dogs and being the type of person who would say “I would never in a million years have imagined this!”

If you say that, you are the problem, not the dog. However, pit bulls are large, powerful terriers with a very intact killing instinct towards other animals, and it makes it even more important that they aren’t placed with these idiot owners who think dogs are just living teddy bears/furbabies.

“They were good-natured dogs until the day they weren’t” Jeff says - spoken as a true ignorant person who doesn’t understand animal behavior.

Susan then says "Who wants to admit for even a second that their family pet could kill one of their family members?"

I do. No hesitation.

^ See this guy? This is my dog. Eight and a half year old Mallorcan bulldog, distant cousin to other bulldogs and mastiffs. People who see him would think he’s a pit x rottie mix. He’s bigger than a retriever, and a very serious guard dog. I raised him from a puppy, my first own puppy.

I trained bite inhibition with him from the start. He never bit a human in aggression, in fact after about 10-12 months of age, he never bit me even in play, unless I simply got in the way when he was chewing a stick or something. My mistake, not his. He knows not to ever bite people.

I trust him with my life, as a highly loyal guard dog, who loves us and takes his job very seriously. Does that mean I think he’s a “human”, my “furbaby” and that he could never act irrationally, or out of character? Absolutely not.

When he was living with my man and his family for a while, my sister-in-law had a baby. I told my man to not let Wikus (the dog) in the room with the baby for any reason. I don’t mean “unsupervised”, I mean at all.

He was six years old then, never showed aggression to a child in his life, in fact he lets neighborhood kids hug and pet him, under my strict supervision, and has been around my sister’s young kids, just calmly ignoring them. I trust him with me. I didn’t trust the people he was with, including my dear man, to read him right and be able to predict the situation. Wikus was fine with kids, but he had never seen a baby before, and I wasn’t there to judge the situation. (Also, Wikus was not himself while living there and started attacking cats, after years of being completely fine with cats when with me.)

I’m not going to be so stupid as to think “he’s a nice dog!” and leave it at that. Or feel a need to “prove” how “sweet” he is and let him nuzzle the baby.

So what do I do, briefly, do make sure my dog doesn’t hurt anyone?

It sounds nebulous and abstract, but I “respect him as a dog”. I realize he’s a 70 pound case of muscles and teeth, and could do terrible damage in the right (wrong) circumstances. I realize he has strong protective instincts of the pack and territory, and though he has never shown predatory behavior, he still has the wild dog or wolf inside, buried very deep down.

I obedience- and recall-train. I only have him loose when other people and dogs aren’t around.

If I thought he was dangerous, as a dog that might actually go after another animal or person (and you need to know this about your dog), I wouldn’t have him loose in an unfenced area at all. (This might sound confusing. If I thought he had a 1% chance of attacking someone, I wouldn’t have him off leash. I don’t think there’s a 0.1% chance even, but it still exists in all dogs. Not all dogs are equally dangerous, but the risk is never exactly zero.)

I made sure to socialize him with kids as a puppy, but in later years I’ve sometimes said no to kids asking to pet him, because while I can account for my dog, I can’t account for their behavior, and kids often don’t listen.

I do play tug-o-war with him, especially when he was younger, but it was always strictly structured and I needed him to have an “off-button”. As soon as I say stop, he stops, as soon as I tell him to let go (of the rope or stick), he lets go. If he has an object he wants (anything), he drops it when I ask him to.

Structure the walk. People let their dogs leave the house when over-excited, and that’s the mindset that sets up the rest of the walk.

Build a working relationship with the dog, beyond “he’s my baby and I luv him and he’s so sweet and would never hurt a living soul”, because you don’t know that.

Susan continues; “Who wants to for a single second think that that's possible? Think that that could be a reality? I know I certainly didn't. I never would have imagined in a million years before this that my dog, my pet, would attack me, and kill a child.”

I hate to say it, but she is exactly what is wrong with this breed. People who are this ignorant, this naive, and this careless. And then either they or other people go on to blame the breed.

Years ago on a dog forum, I saw someone say, and this may seem ridiculous to some, but I like it: “Better to think you have a lion on the leash and act accordingly, than to think you have a lamb.”

That is exactly what a lot of dog owners think, perhaps especially pit bull owners. They need to prove to the world that their dog is actually a lamb, and when this woman failed, she blamed the breed, she blamed people like Cesar Millan for speaking highly of the breed, she blamed everyone but herself, because it couldn’t possibly be her mistake!

I often hear the same from people campaigning against exotic pets. They’re a failed owner, and so the animal must be banned. “If I couldn’t do it, and I’m so awesome, then obviously everyone must be at least as crap as I was!” Extremely arrogant and naive.

Listen, mistakes happen. Sometimes tragic, fatal mistakes. I don’t want hate on her, I don’t want her thrown in jail, but I want her and others like her to take some responsibility. Because if they refuse to admit their own mistake, they are doomed to repeat it.

You can never make sure something like this attack never happens again, you can’t insure the world against mistakes and human error, but you can take actions to prevent a lot of them. And the first part of that is educating yourself.

Don’t be like these people.

Part 2

Part 3

[sapphicscholar]

Letter 56

March 12, 2012, 9:13am

Hey Alex,

It was great talking to you yesterday! I’m sorry about the less-than-stellar pesto experience…that was my bad. Never tell a joke that makes someone turn around when they’re using a blender, right? Good to know for the future. Hope the basil doesn’t stain your sweater. It was a nice sweater.

Bahah okay, Danvers, keep telling yourself that…whatever you need to do to feel less guilty about making your poor future dog suffer like that. Please tell me that you don’t have aspirations to be one of those old ladies… Or, okay, all of it is fine if you can manage to keep the tissues and the candies separate. I don’t get it! They’re always both in wrappers that rustle like crazy in the movie theater, so how the lint permeates the sealed wrapper, I’ll really never know.

Thanks! I don’t know exactly how that works. I do remember hearing that ASL (American Sign Language) is really different from BSL (British Sign Language), but that some countries that don’t share the same spoken language will share the same signed language (or at least large parts of it). I don’t know all the specifics, but it’s interesting to think how the barriers we construct between cultures and countries can be broken down and rebuilt in really different ways depending on the mode of communication.

I know some aliens adapt really well to languages, and there are one or two planets so renowned for their language acquisition skills that their citizens end up being translators pretty much everywhere they go. Pretty nice to have guaranteed employment, huh? But anyway, I like to hope that the biobank got consent…I don’t have much hope or trust in people (and even less in corporations), but I need to believe that someone out there is trying. Maybe at the IRB?

Ah yes, all those attack pigs. Though wild pigs are really gigantic. They definitely don’t stay so little and cute like in movies. And that’s cool (better than the people who try to breed them to stay "cute" and end up making them sick and all), but it definitely makes the “attack” part a lot more realistic (and threatening). Your mind works in fascinating ways, Danvers. Though let’s not inspire anyone with ideas about weaponized farm animals. We’ve all read Animal Farm already. We know how ruthless those fuckers can be!

It’s pretty excellent as far as experiences go. And simply amazing views. I’ve got some photos I’ll have to send to you with the next box of the kids' letters. Sorry I didn't add one last time. It seems like we get out so much in these notes, that there wasn't much new to add? And if there was, I wanted you to know it right away? But the kids continue to love their pen-pals!

Hah oh, sorry, maybe it wasn’t obvious, and I just thought it was…now it’s more awkward, and that’s on me. It’s like explaining a joke, but worse. Just…I don’t know, it’s the last two sentences: “If we do this, could you like walk me through this very slowly? And I’ll try my best to follow?” Obviously it’s about cooking; I can read context clues, thank you very much. But it’s more, ya know, you’re new to the whole dating women thing (and the other things that might come with it), and that’s fine! But it could mean you also need some help there… Whatever. Ignore me. Please. Know that you didn’t insult the cuisine, except perhaps with that overdone pasta I watched you make yesterday…don’t think I didn’t catch you getting caught up in our conversation and letting the timer beep for minutes on end while your pasta got soggy!

Eh…you’re not missing much with The L Word, but it’s still sort of a touchstone? It’s better to watch with someone so that you can chat through some of the worst parts of it and tune in for the hot ladies that you still like that season. Nah, it’s pretty common knowledge, and it’s sort of written on the wall from the start of the season when it happened in one case (and then written on the wall even more explicitly from the first moments of the season for the other death that totally doesn’t really count anyway). Interesting choice on the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice. Wouldn’t have guessed it. I actually like Austen, who is much more biting social satire than romcom, Danvers, though I’ve not seen the BBC production. Going off the book version, I can see you being a bit like Mr. Darcy…

Yeah, I had roommates throughout college because of the cost of living, then I lived with Emily, but after our breakup I was alone for a couple of months. I’ve taken that living/surviving/being alone thing to a whole new extreme over here! But it’s definitely helpful, and it was really nice for a while. It’s good that you’ve realized certain things about yourself because it means you can stop those behaviors when you see them starting again instead of letting them fester and grow. I have a tendency to assume the worst can and will happen, and often that means I try to preempt it. Because if I ruin something myself, it can’t be ruined for me, you know? Similarly, not a great coping mechanism, but it kept out the terror of bad surprises for a while.

Wow, way to make a girl blush, Alex. I was merely hoping that maybe it could be a “you and I” you read into those “we” subjects. Nice to know you think about us having some of those types of mornings too. I really hope you don’t catch anything in the library! That would be less than ideal… Do take care of yourself. Lots of liquids and warm sweaters and sleep (as much as you can manage) and all that. Do you at least have a spring break or something when you’ll be able to catch up on sleep?

Hmm interesting addendum on the power of flight. Any reason? I also think it’d be cool to be able to fly… But invisibility, now that you mention it, sounds really great. I think if you’d asked me when I was younger, it would have been invisibility I wanted for sure.

Alex…that’s barely a superpower; that’s just hurting yourself. It’s so ironic that the medical profession, which studies things like the harmful effects of sleep deprivation, forces its own into such awful habits as part of the regular job. I hope you manage to be okay and get some sleep!

Ah yeah…I can see how that particular habit wouldn’t be ideal, but I imagine it makes you pretty effective at solving problems, at least. And I can respect efficiency. I think my worst habit is probably a bit of self-sabotage every now and then. I’ve gotten better, but it’s something I have to actively combat, rather than an instinct that’s totally gone away.

Ugh, that nightly rundown while waiting for sleep to come is truly the worst thing to happen to mankind. Not really. But it sucks a lot. That’s not so bad, Danvers! It’s good that you were engaged in learning and really cared about your education, even if maybe you were just a little bit of a know-it-all…little bit. But I’d still take students like you on Monday mornings. Instead I’m greeted with total silence when I ask questions. And as a teacher? That definitely sucks the most. (Also, I’m sure you’re still doing well in grad school, even if it doesn’t fee like it. You’re brilliant, and it’s pretty hard to miss that fact.)

Alex, that’s amazing! Congratulations on getting the paper accepted first of all! And yay for funding and the ability to come to Italy! I would most definitely love to take you out on a date if you’ll have me. And it's great timing too. I have off that whole week for our spring/post-Easter break, so I’ve got plenty of time on my hands. I had actually been thinking about using it as a chance to go hike Cinque Terre before it got too hot and touristy. But I can take a quick detour to Rome. Anyway, lots to plan! I will start googling! Let me know things you like! Or it can be a surprise. Either way. Totally good. Hmm…got thoughts going. But I’ve really got to run to work, and I’m already a little late (it’s okay, I don’t have a morning class today—teacher meeting thing).

Talk to you soon! We can both think of more questions for each other or leave it for a bit and focus on brainstorming date ideas instead. Because also, it’s coming up so soon! Less than a month now! Things to do, things to do…

XO Maggie

[purplesurveys]

296

- A - What has been your greatest Accomplishment? I guess, more than anything, it’s being able to study in the top university in the country. Does your house have an Attic? No. I don’t know of any Filipino house that has an attic; it’s just not in our culture. Probably the super rich, more Western-centric families do, but definitely not in any of the houses I’ve ever been to. Basements also aren’t a thing here. - B - What is/was your Best subject in school? History and biology. Anything objective and requires memorization of terms, I never had a problem with. What's your favorite dog Breed? I used to have none but Gab made me a golden retriever convert. Beagles and askals (street dogs in the Philippines) are wonderful, too. - C - Do you regularly drink Coffee? No, just as a last resort when I have to stay up for work. How many Children do you want? 1 or 2.

- D - When are you due for your next dental checkup? Right around this time of the year, but I get so incredibly lazy about the dentist so I don’t mind skipping lol. What kind of car do you Drive? It’s a Mitsubishi Mirage, the smaller kind. I’ve always told myself I can’t drive anything bigger than that. - E - Are you an Extrovert? Hell no. I mean I’ve been better–I’ve gone from being an introvert to an ambivert since starting college, but socializing still brings me anxiety. That hasn’t gone away. It also completely exhausts me at the end of the day; so while I’ve been so much better at handling social situations and can initiate conversations, it doesn’t mean the jitters have also left. I still dread them every single time. What's your favorite form of Exercise? I don’t exercise at all. - F - How Far away do you live from your best friend? Her family home is about 16 kilometers away from my house. The dorm that she stays in near her school is...apparently also 16 kilometers away. I’m literally middle ground hahaha. Have you ever had a Full-time job? No. - G - Where did you last buy Groceries from? Man I’ve stopped tagging along my parents whenever they get groceries so I have no idea where they buy from these days. I don’t buy my own yet. Do you believe there is a God? No. Catholicism ruined religion for me when I was ten. - H - What's something that made you Happy today? Called my girlfriend literally thirty seconds ago. When was the last time you stayed in a Hotel? We stayed in Batanes from Wednesday to Saturday so we were staying over at a hotel by then. - I - Do you like Indian food? It’s my favorite cuisine. Have you ever slipped and fell on Ice? When I used to go ice skating, many times. - J - What has been your favorite Job you've had so far? I’ve never had one. What Jewelry did you wear yesterday? The necklace Gab gave me is always on me. Other than that I don’t wear much jewelry. - K - How many people can sit at your Kitchen table? We don’t have that but we do have a dining table. It’s meant for six people but since it’s a big table it can probably fit like ten. What's a topic you're Knowledgable in? Pro wrestling. - L - Where do you Live? I live in a city called Antipolo in the Philippines. How many people have you Loved romantically? Just one. - M - Are you good with managing and saving Money? HAH, NO. Unless I really had to then yeah I sometimes surprise myself with how good I am with saving. It’s very unpredictable on my end. What was the last Museum you went to? I went to the Crisologo Museum and Syquia Mansion in Vigan around 7-8 months ago. Old houses of prominent family with all their 70′s-style rooms still intact will always be my favorite. - N - Do you have loud Neighbors? They’re not loud per se. Their kids are. What's one of your most Noticeable qualities? My glasses are crooked. - O - What's something you have a very strong Opinion on? LGBT rights, racial equality, smoking, and the concept of family. What's your favorite Outdoor activity? I’m a more indoors person, but I do enjoy hiking and going to the beach. - P - Did you pull a Prank last April Fools Day? Nah. What was the cause of the last physical Pain you felt? Scoliosis. - Q - Have you ever been to Quebec? Nope. What's your favorite Quote? I don’t have one. - R - What's the longest Relationship you've been in? This one I’m currently in: 2 years. If Gabie hadn’t broken up with me and ruined the relationship for a while we’d have been together for 3 1/2 years now, HAAA. Have you ever worked in Retail? No. - S - Do you feel Safe walking around your neighborhood at night? Yes, but at most just inside my subdivision since there are guards all over. My city doesn’t have a high crime rate but it’s still best to be cautious as soon as you step outside a private subdivision since there are so many weirdos that lurk about. When was the last time you woke up before Sunrise? Today. I usually wake up before sunrise. - T - Do you think you would enjoy being a Teacher? Probably not. The paranoia from not knowing what students think of me would be enough to drain me mentally. What was the last thing you bought Tickets for? Plane tickets back to Subic, where our airport was. - U - What is something about you that's Unusual? I don’t know, you gotta ask my friends. Do you live in an Urban area? Yep. - V - What's your favorite Vegetable? Broccoli and asparagus. Do you know anyone who gets Violent when they're angry? My girlfriend does. - W - What do you keep in your Wallet? Money, some photos of Gab, and cards that I use. What's your favorite kind of Weather? Rainy where it’s also cold and dark and dreary. Rainy but humid is pointless. - X - What parts of your body have you had X-rayed? My chest, but in more recent times my back. Which X-Men character is your favorite? I don’t have a favorite. - Y - What Year were you born? 1998. What did you do Yesterday? My family went to church, then we went to the mall to have lunch. We finally bought GTA V for the PS4 and my dad and I each got Herschel backpacks. My sister got the cheese tart she was craving for and we also got a new electric fan since one of the fans in the house stopped working. - Z - What was the last Zoo you went to? I don’t think I’ve ever been to a zoo. I don’t like the idea of supporting those, either. Is there a Zipper on any of the clothes you're wearing? No.

[who-gives-a-ship]

(1/?)I've actualy had a friend pull the 'you're an adult shouting at a minor' card on me. We were having a fight and it basically boiled down to, while we were at an oversea's con she did not like the fact that I was acting like an adult/guardian towards her, rather than a 'friend' (I was the only adult out of 4 people and we were in ANOTHER COUNTRY) Basically she was being shitty and entitled and did a number of stupid and irrisponsible things, then coldn't understand why I was upset.

(2/?) half way through the argument, I was getting frustrated because she would not listen, would not admit she had done some shitty things and then she derailed the whole thing with "Well I'm not the adult shouting at a minor" SHE was the one who kept starting these 'conversations' who wanted to 'talk it out' when I wanted to let it go and just pretend it never happened. I then proceeded to burn that friendship to the ground (not a very mature move, but at least I'm aware of that)            

(3/?) But the 'I'm a minor card' is one I fucking despise now. Because they use it when they stick their noses where it doesn't belong, get in too deep and don't like the situation they've gotten themselves into. They like to think "I'm mature for my age, I can handle adult sitauations and arguments" but the moment they're held to adult standards they want out. You can't have it both ways. If you're mature enough to have these arguments, then youre fucking old enough to deal with the consequence             

------------

That argument is one of the most ridiculous things I see in discourse. To me, talking about how young you are as an excuse means you’re admitting that you don’t have the knowledge or experience to participate in this conversation. When I see that someone is a minor, I don’t immediately think “Oh, so there’s an expert on sensitive topics.” I think “Man, I was pretty dumb at that age. I’m still pretty dumb, but I’ve learned a lot since then.”

I know some very nice and smart people who are still minors, but they’re definitely above average, so whenever I see someone under 18 on Tumblr, (Or like around the last couple years of high school. I’m only 19 myself.) I read any discourse posts they make with that in mind. Sometimes I’m surprised by how mature and reasonable they are, sometimes I’m not. But even if you’re a child prodigy, you can’t make that argument and expect to come out on top. It’s a concession. And that’s why it’s so hard to counter. Because they admit defeat and then treat it like a victory, and that doesn’t make any sense.

Your former friend seems immature. I don’t know her, so I can’t say anything about whether it was just a childish moment or an actual problem she needs to solve, but it was probably good getting rid of that friendship. She was just abusing a loophole in social interaction that you couldn’t do anything about, and that sounds like a nightmare to deal with.

It’s part of the whole idea of anti immunity, which is a term I just made up to describe how antis have set up this discussion to be intentionally one-sided. Basically, anti immunity is the fact that antis are allowed to call people names and accuse them of supporting actual crimes, but their targets can only respond with calm arguments. Antis can call us filthy pedos and threaten our lives, but if I posted like that my real name and address would be all over Tumblr within a week. I’m going to make a long post about all this, because I’ve been meaning to address it for a while now, but the trump card in this game is “I’m a minor.” And that’s shitty.

Btw, the second ask you sent in wasn’t on anon. I won’t reveal your name because I like sleeping at night, but you should be more careful next time. I don’t want you getting into any trouble.

Fun fact: The Labrador Retriever has been the most popular dog breed in the US for 26 years in a row, according to the American Kennel Club. This is because they work great both as family pets and as working dogs. 70% of all guide dogs are Labrador Retrievers and they make excellent water dogs, since the breed was originally meant to help fishermen.

[anamedblog]

Feline Entanglements – Commons, Compassion, and Care

by Milan Vukašinović, GABAM-ANAMED Post-Doctoral Fellow (2019-2020) 

We need to talk about cats. / Spotted in Tarlabaşı. Photo by author.

 I have been looking forward to writing this post for a very long time, since “[t]hreatened by the normative that cannot offer an alternative to linear history, I never had the luxury of not supporting my own thesis with evidence.”[1] This speculative piece of anti-standard academism for four front paws and at least two voices will actually be a cherry picking of sensorial and intellectual stimuli that washed over me in the last eight months in Istanbul. I will keep the footnotes and references, however, since I always want to say more than what can fit on a regular page.

Plague

While the Great Plague was tightening its grip on London in 1665, and the rich were fleeing the city head on, the city authorities ordered the human population to kill all the domestic animals whose movements could not be easily restrained, since it was thought that pigs, dogs, and cats were spreading the disease. Ultimately, the historians evaluate the number of human victims to be around 100,000, while the number of feline ones goes up to 200,000.[2] We can speculate about the possibility of fewer people dying had they not been ordered to kill the biggest predator of rats, creatures carrying the fleas that the bacteria used to travel around. The human corpses were being identified and counted by plague-searchers—mostly under-privileged women, paid per dead body.

“The female mind is still more subject to these delusions of disordered fancy… Their bosoms are much more susceptible of the injurious influence of seclusion, the contagion of example, and to dangers of illusion.” Thus wrote an eighteenth-century Swiss physician, before presenting the example of a medieval (!) French nunnery, where all the inmates “caught” a mania of meowing individually and collectively for hours on end.[3] This loosely referenced example is still taken as one of the first recorded cases of mass hysteria. The two months of COVID-19 lockdown in ANAMED lead me to doubt Dr. Zimmerman’s conclusions. Namely, none of the four female fellows secluded with me took up my own habit of purring when content and embraced.

Necla Rüzgar, Innerfauna I (2015) Istanbul Museum of Modern Art

Property

Common sexism aside (or maybe not), I would like to make a sweeping generalization. I believe that the unbridled capitalism and the heritage of private property in the “Western world” found an invaluable accomplice in the Cartesian division between (white, male, Christian, well off) thinking matter and the virtually inanimate extended matter. The definition of animals as moving machines, at the time when machines were meant for making money, paved the way for our non-human companions to become first objects, and then commodities. Is it surprising then that the Hayırsızada dog genocide (1910) was conducted in Istanbul at the time when the Young Turks were desperately trying to morph into “modernity” understood as “Western” capitalism? Starving 80,000 urban dogs to death received the blessing from the Institut Pasteur in Paris. Vagabond dogs still have a harder time than cats assimilating into the human Istanbul.[4]

Can animals be commodities? / Spotted in Karaköy. Photo by author.

Despite the fact that the EU Lisbon treaty defines domestic animals as sensory beings, most of the “Western” democracies treat them as property in their legislations. The Turkish Republic, amidst all the visible imperfections of its legal system, strongly opposes that definition. A recent law contends that all domestic animals, be they house-bound, vagabond, or urban, have the right to food, water, shelter, safety, and freedom. Whoever fails to provide them with those things can even end up in prison, depending on the gravity of the offence. Even though animal cruelty is a crime in many Western states, the difference is that in those states you own the animals, while in Turkey you owe subsistence and respect to the animals you don’t own. A laudable legal incentive—arguably barely needed for most Istanbulites at least. Through a dedicated and documented observation of Istanbul’s cats, I’ve come to define their relation to their human co-citizens as one of reciprocal commoning. The ideas of ownership and responsibility seem to fade away next to the ones of community, sustainability, mutuality, and care.

Infrastructure

So, when I would break the weekend COVID-19 curfew in order to fill up old yoghurt containers on my street with cat food, I would find at least some of them already freshly recharged. Still, Burak Taşdizen, a research associate of the Orient-Institute in Istanbul feels that the citizen care for street cats has been affected by the COVID-19 outbreak: “I myself have experienced a street cat running towards me from across the street during one of my walks in Moda, in need of affection if not of water or food. The situation regarding street animals amid COVID-19 has resonated on social media and the Turkish Ministry of Interior has responded very quickly by issuing a letter in order for local administrative bodies to take care of street animals’ needs.”

Cats queuing in a food spot during the COVID–19 pandemic. Spotted in Cihangir Photo by author.

But why do I care what Burak thinks about the urban-cats situation during the pandemic? Because he cared enough to start thinking of them as a topic of his research. More precisely, he is investigating the urban infrastructure that developed around feline Istanbulites (read:cat houses). He told me, in a digital conversation, that he first got this idea while observing citizens’ interventions in public spaces of central residential areas of the city as a part of a PhD-seminar’s[1]walks:“Throughout the interventions that I documented emerged an accumulation of infrastructures built and maintained by the citizens, providing Istanbul’s cats with food, water and shelter. My initial analysis of these infrastructures was based on their temporality and materiality with a focus on their vulnerability in the face of urban currents be they weather conditions or simply neighbors, janitors or passers-by.”

 In what, at first sight, might seem to be unaesthetic piles of cardboard boxes and plastic containers abandoned on the side of the road, Burak sees rational “solutions and designerly knowledge productions”:  Isolation and insulation of “construction” materials, availability of food and water supplies, clustering of individual units in order to stimulate feline sociability and ensure longer habitation.

Temporary assemblage. Spotted in Karaköy. Photo by author.

In-between Burak’s remarks confirm some of my hunches about urban cats navigating that narrow, compressed, slippery ground—the commons ground—situated in-between the private and the public, with regards to property, space, and agency. The municipalities like Kadıköy and Şişli claim in their official communication the public space of the street to be the cats’ natural habitat, and the local authorities their primary protectors. But “infrastructures such as those built on windows, or near apartment facades or in apartment backyards challenge the conventional definitions of street cat’s habitat… and the issue gets more convoluted when cats start moving from the street to common areas (ortak alan) such as apartment backyards, where a more one-on-one care can be developed between the care giver citizen and the care receiver street cat.” – says Burak.

Citizen cat infrastructure has a political note to it, too. Its insertion reclaims the right to the city for its non-human and human inhabitants alike. Burak explains that most Istanbul cat houses are set up through citizens’ initiatives, whether they order them from municipalities or commercial facilities, or construct them themselves. He calls them citizen-led temporary assemblages: “I believe the municipalities and muhtarlıklar could learn from the know-how of citizens (citizen-designers, citizen-caregivers) in shaping a more-than-human Istanbul. Already-repeating design decisions point at tried-and-tested solutions of care [that are] being consolidated and enriched for the well-being of this beloved non- human animal population who has the right to care and life as much as (if not more than) us human Istanbulites.”

Temporary assemblage – adaptation of a commercial product . Spotted in Moda, Kadiköy. Photo by B. Taşdizen.

Another story / why?

But why do these human citizens spend so much money and go through so much trouble? “I think, wherefore they’re mad!” – Descartes would cry. “Can they at least ride them to work?” – Henry Ford would ponder.  During the first month of my stay in ANAMED, Bianca, Güldem, and I went to see Fabrizio Terranova’s Donna Haraway: Story Telling for Earthly Survival at the SALT walk-in cinema. Then I read Staying with the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene. “It matters what matters we use to think other matters with. It matters what thoughts think thoughts, what stories tell stories” – Harraway relentlessly repeats while telling the story of sympoiesis, a collective and solidary worldbuilding by humans and non-humans. Is it unthinkable to supplant the story of human matter that thinks the non-thinking animal matter, with the story of (at least) two similar matters that co-create the world (and the city) together, just like that?

Temporary assemblage – weather-proof food place. Spotted in Kuzguncuk, Üsküdar. Photo by B. Taşdizen.

When I ask him “Why do humans care about the cats here? Because of rats? Because of gods?”, Burak says: “Breeding a cat is considered a sunnah: Prophet Mohammad himself befriended a cat named Muezza as has been told. The positive image of cats in Islam, I believe, has allowed cats to thrive in Istanbul and beyond. Still, recognizing that the human-cat co-evolution might have benefited both parties throughout history on more functional terms, I would refrain from interpreting the current street cat-citizen relationship on a functional ground. I think it has to do with the notion of compassion (merhamet) towards animals than anything else." There, it took four sentences to change the story of human and non-human co-existence.

Donna Harraway, Staying with the Trouble, audiobook cover.

Care

I started with Londoners killing cats, thinking they were contagious. I continued with Istanbulites risking fines, arguments, or even contagion in order to feed the cats and give them shelter. I could end with bitter, ironic comments, anthropomorphizing cuteness or violence, or current political contagion blame games. But I choose not to, because this story/history is neither linear nor circular. It’s always fuzzy.

St. Thomas and the rabbit. Spotted in the Crimea memorial church, Beyoğlu. Photo by author.

I want to end with care. So many world leaders used the metaphor of war, and military language in general, to describe the current COVID-19 crisis. The leaders were crying war, while the citizens were taking drastic care of each other. Why does care need a military metaphor to be communicated and taken seriously? Is it hard to imagine it becoming a political concept? Not a soggy abstract common place, but a radical social act? I say care when I mean care. And here, I learned to say cat when I mean care.

Because I spoke with the person whose job is to observe and think about these things, you know, and he said: “In my opinion, Istanbul with its cat houses, provides a fruitful ground to discuss and imagine alternative futures on the cohabitation of domesticated animals and humans in urban environments, reminding us that societies have always been interdependent, and care is vital.”  Thank you, Burak. Care is vital.  

Cat colony in Cihangir. Photo by author.

I want to thank Catie for correcting the text and being entangled in my life here, Burak for the words and the photos, Güldem and Bianca for ideas and feelings, six other lockdown dwarves for making this period livable, and the fat cat from Kallavi Sokak for running towards me at midnight with all his fat flying around him.  

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[1] T. Serttaş, Foto Galatasaray: Studio Photography of Marian Şahıyan, Istanbul, 2016, 8

[2] L. & D. Moote,The Great Plague: The Story of London's most Deadly Year, Baltimore, 2004; D. Defoe,History of the Plague in London, New York – Cincinnati – Chicago 1894: “It is incredible, if their account is to be depended upon, what a prodigious number of those creatures were destroyed. I think they talked of forty thousand dogs and five times as many cats; few houses being without a cat, some having several, sometimes five or six in a house.”

[3] J. G. Zimmermann, Solitude, London, 1805, 266.

[4] Chris Pearson, “Stray Dogs in Istanbul,” Sniffing the past:  https://sniffingthepast.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/stray-dogs-in-istanbul/.

For another attempt to cleanse the city streets that same year, check out this ANAMED blog post https://anamedblog.com/post/182215613343/whose-streets-are-these-streets.

[5] “Qualitative Approaches in STS: Cyborgs and Technobodies,” Dr. Melike Şahinol, Özyeğin University, Design, Technology and Society.