#surface level but. thats it. nobody at the end of the day cares enough to want to know im spiraling and doing much worse than i have this

[misfortunegirl]

i just want to start work already so that i have a good excuse to avoid everybody AND get money while doing so

[this-should-do]

OUGH the tags about the toxic love story, I NEED to see ur toxic Barney and Gordon PLEASEUH

bestie im afraid that i dont particularly have anyhting to show rn, most of it is just words in my head, at most i have the last drawings at teh end of this post that are in reference to a sequel to a story me n a friend are wanting to write lmao but yeah, i love mkaing shit up about characters that have littel to no development in canon

to sum up, barney has ISSUES from before the rescas that cause him to latch onto gordon BAD and he never quite fets over it during those 20 years becuz trauma really prevents you from processing shit especially when ur arney who just refuses to take the time to actually tink about his issues outside a horribly self demeaning and sabotaging way if he isnt actively repressing them, so tehn when gordon shows back up (with his own issues well talk about in a minute) he reignites a bunch of feelings barney had but they get buried under 20 years of resentment and dissillusionment as well as the feeling that are reignitied are twisted and fucked up by rosetinted lenses about who gordon was so when gordon shows up with his brand new issues as in from the last day of just the rescas plus the newer issues of hte past 5 minutes of being luanched into a future where everything is different frmo what he knows when he is a man of staticness and immutable reality tethering him to proper functiong, he just cant handle it so when he isnt acting like a machine to cope with war hes trying to act like things are the same as they were before and in his hurting lowkey tries to force others he knew (particulalry barney cuz they were very close before the rescas, though they had not reached a confession state yet) to act liek they did before without meaning to by way of only responding as a person would when they perform to standard, otherwise he tends to shut down mentally, always counting and documenting when things are different without meaning to int turn the way this behavior affects barney is that becuz barney is a guy who tends to force negative feelings down and always try to be funny while simultaneously keeping everyone at arms distance, forces himself to playthe role of himself 20 years ago to his own harm while constantly flipping between keeping gordon at arms length (which hits the counter gordon has for howt higns are different without him even realizing it becuz ona surface level barney is acting the same, leading to a faster breakdown of his part) and jealous possession of gordon and wanting to keep gorodn to himself becuz in his brain he knew and cared for gordon more than anyone else and that he was first and gordon is HIS friend and his person to love (this also sets of gordons counter in a different way becuz its still not quite how barney was before, but thats to be expected nobody can act as they were before perectly even someone as adept at pretending ot be anyone but himself as barney is) however by constantly trying to keep up the old him persona, he feels unloved as himself further cementing the idea that he ash to keep up the act otherwise gordon wont love or care for him which further spoils gordon in his own mind despite his unhealthy attachment to gordon who had been a piece of the past to hold close to himself for comfort over 20 years, making their relationship very muddy this is all of course ignoring the pain that preceeds a state where this dynamic would occur , meaning thetime during the games before a peace time, where 99% of the time gordon is locke dup nerneath his Freeman persona which upsets barney who has to deal with all the rough edges he forgot about plus more so he starts to resent gordon not just for in his eyes abandoning him but also for not being the same as he remembered, a similar but different struggle to gordon, which inturn causes barney to lean into this distant but casual persona we see in game, perceptively frineds enough that people can tell but no where near what you might expect someone who was such close frineds with someone who disappeared for 20 years might act

so essentailly they are contantly doign things unintentionally or not that hurt the other or make their own self hurt, or having an unhealthy attachment to the other lmao now i also have more about their relationship that develops in a story me and a friend are rying to pull together, but that part of it wouldnt happen for sosososoos long same for the stroy it self being published lmao, but just know that it relies on barneys obsession and selfishness and possessiveness over gordon and having to deal with someone else being close to him when he couldnt be there after losing gordon a 2nd time vis a vis epistle 3 shenangians

[vapidsims]

@boomchicapopdat  Behold! a bachelor! -

Name: Caster Lang

Age: 28 

Ethnic: Blasian

Personality: Goofball| Exra| Micheivious 

Occupation: Freelancer

Hobby: fishing

Sign: Gemini

If you ask anybody who knows him on a surface level they’ll probably say Caster’s one of the funniest most charming dudes they ever met. That he brightens up the room when he walks in, goofing off with the finger guns and all that, makin the jokes! he’ll make an absolute fool of himself tryna get that old man sitting at the bar to chuckle.

Ask somebody who knows him on a more tertiary level and they’ll say...well, hes a bit off. they dont know what it is though, they couldnt possibly begin to explain whats rubbed them the wrong way. and strangely enough, the time they start feeling like that is the same time Caster goes *poof* out of their social lives.

( long text and mommy/daddy issues under the cut)

Lets get educational here, Who is Caster Lang? Hes certainly not gonna tell you.

 Ask him about personal stuff, you get roundabout answers. want to pry? you may as well be pulling his teeth.

But hes a great guy so no big deal. Right? Right.

Hes a prankster, he loves jokes, he smiles and laughs, A LOT.  Somebody stole his car? he’ll probably just make a self depricating joke about it and keep on rolling on foot.

he dosnt...seem to care.

He was born to an (initially) happy couple, until just a day after his birth, where his mother decided she didnt love her husband any more. she tried to stick the marriage out, but it fell apart after six more years. A nasty divorce proceeded. And as it turned out after all that. Neither parent wanted their kid.

Then he spent a little too long being bounced from relative to relative until he ended up in foster care anyway. And by the time that happened he was too old to be wanted. He got taken in by an old man who really needed company....And a maid. As soon as he was old enough to mind himself and the old guy had died. Caster bounced off to the other side of the country and left everything/everybody back home in the dust.

Hes the local funnydude. sure. hes got charm. yeah. but on the underside, he likes to be at the center of a trainwreck. He moves quietly... Theres a loose thread hanging off of everybody and hes waiting to pull and watch what unravels. just like what happened with his parents. Dan across the street has a little insecurity that he accidently mentions offhand? you can bet Caster filed that away in his memory to use later. Caster meets Dans wife at the store some months from then? they chat about Dan for a bit. Then the neighbors are whispering. And then the town is whispering...

 Its not his fault, the problem was already there, he just...casually made them aware of it...   its a slow burn, it takes time to catch....but man does he love to watch the flames... 

And nobody will ever know it was him.

Cas and Dan across the street will still be friends for a while. But Dan eventually starts to feel the same strange feeling others get after being exposed to him too long. Caster is used to this, hes a walking,talking, self fulfilling prophecy. Hes a curse that just keeps cursing.... hes up in smoke just like that.

Dude goes into everything prepared for and expecting rejection, he makes it so....why join a BC?

He just wants to make people laugh at his funny ass on tv? yes maybe.

Is he there to see if he could actually find somebody who cares about him? always. but he knows not to get his hopes up. he dosent make it easy...

He wants to plant seeds in the background and then watch the absolute sh*tshow  tree that grows out of them? probably.

All of the above? most definitely. 

More details:

hes obviously never seen a therapist. hes an expert at self managing. whats that? thats his third cup of iced cream? whatever he’ll work it off.

Hes happy to please. you want him to get those heavy buckets. yes of course! want him to drive across town to get that gourmet cheesecake for you? sure thing! anything else? you can run him ragged.

Kinda into masochism

He doesnt sleep as much as any human should. Its not unusual for you to get up at 3am and hes just...standing, in the kitchen. he’ll say hes got insomnia. the dark circles under his eyes say so too.

He loves cats, and the cats love him. whenever he goes fishing he’d gladly give the scraps to all his adoring strays. They dont promise him anything and then leave, they just do cat things. 

Hes not a GREAT cook, but hes fished just about any waterbound creature he could get a hook or a net on. and he knows how they like to taste.

tried reaching out to his family a few times while living with the old man and either got short replies or outright “dont talk to me”s

If you’re gonna fite him it better be right there and then cause if you tell him to “meet you in the back of the mountain steak shack a quarter past midnigt on the eve of a full moon” He aint showing up. hes at home watching dr phil.

He does NOT skip leg day. or...overall body day.

greens and blues are his favorite colors.

Eve is a buisnesswoman with great... assets, surrounded by a bunch of dudes sure theyre the one? Oh thats a hotbed of potential. count him in.

Also to sum up the second pic:

[amberandmetal]

My favourite thing

A/N: Some Stony flangst for you this Valentine’s day. Don’t worry, the angst is in the first half and the other half is pure fluff. So basically hurt/comfort. There is some mightbeinterpretedaspastStuckyifyousquint in there so if that’s not your thing you have been warned. I wrote this today after listening to the playlist I made for my boyfriend for Valentines. The songs are Snow patrol- Chasing cars, and Dusty Springfield - I only want to be with you

━━━━━━ ◦ ✧ ◦ ━━━━━━ 

     The party had dwindled down and the clock was inching towards 3 a.m. Thor and Jane had retired to their room, Bruce had left the party as soon as he thought it appropriate, Natasha and Sam had vanished after half the night and was nowhere to be found, Tony had made a beeline for his workshop as soon as he thought that nobody was watching, and left was Clint half asleep on the couch and Darcy lying on the floor in front of the stereo, bobbing her feet along to the music, and Steve, drunk on Asgardian mead and holding his head to keep it from spinning.

    “Oh, I love this song” Darcy groaned happily.

    Steve’s ears perked up, trying to focus on the music instead of the spinning going on in his head. He didn’t recognize the song, granted he had missed ca 70 years of music history so he wasn't all that surprised.

    His head throbbed in time with the mulling pain in his chest, only amplified by the asgardian alcohol burning holes in his veins. It was the same pain he had felt every second of every minute of every day since he was rescued from the ice.

     Pain for every person he had lost.

{ I don't quite know How to say How I feel }

Steve didn’t know when the first sob came,

{ Those three words Are said too much They're not enough }

or the second,

{ If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life }

he was only dimly aware of the third because it managed to rock his entire body. He opened a bleary eye to search for potential onlookers but Clint was snoring peacefully on the other couch and Darcy seemed to be too close to the speakers to hear him.

    People like to say that memories come bubbling to the surface, but that’s not what it felt like to Steve. Instead they shot from his subconscious like a malicious fireball, wrecking everything on its way to the forefront of Steve’s consciousness. Memories, images of places and feelings long gone surged into his thoughts, blinding him to anything else. Image after image.

    His hands being small and spindly, body hurting all over and his lungs constricting with every breath; him looking up to Bucky who smiled back down at him; Bucky and a night sky filled with stars, and grass tickling his neck; Bucky with silvery aquamarine eyes just for him; Bucky focusing on Steve; Bucky seeing Steve; Bucky seeing Steve when nobody else would.

{ All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see }

    And oh, oh but that hurt; the pain shooting straight through Steve’s heart so hard he had to clutch a pillow to his chest, almost bending over double on the couch. All he could see was those eyes, those kind bright eyes that he would never see again. He felt plagued by the image of the Winter soldier glaring at him on the bridge; the monster wearing his best friend’s face. It was Bucky, except for the hair and the clothes everything about his appearance was Bucky— except for the eyes. Hydra had robbed him of his aquamarine kindness and left him with nothing but silver.

{ I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? }

    And the floodgates opened and Steve lost nearly all damned control as he shook with the pain strangling him though his spine. He could feel it through his drunken haze: physical sensations mimicking the agony that churned inside him.

    The vision of Bucky in his military uniform appeared before his mind’s eye: ‘Sergeant James Barnes, shipping out for England first thing tomorrow’, and Steve thought he would break apart. His eyes. His beautiful eyes that saw what nobody else saw.. everything he never told him, never got a chance to— was too scared to—

    Darcy sighed dreamily as the song ended and turned to put it on repeat, and Steve gritted his teeth and nearly screamed into the couch cushion.

~~~

    It was Jarvis who alerted him to the worrying state of their Captain.

    “Sir, I feel obligated to report increasing signs of distress in Captain Rogers and seeing as he is intoxicated and in the common area—”

    “What’s going on, J?” Tony put his visor up and his blowtorch down, drawing up a hologram feed from the common room, scanning the image with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

    “The alien liquid mr. Odinsson brought seem to combat the Captain’s enhanced metabolism, keeping him intoxicated, but his alcohol levels appear to be under the level of concern. However his blood pressure as well as his pulse are currently spiking and he is showing alarming symptoms of distress and—”

    Tony removed the rest of his tools and darted out of the workshop.

    “Alright, dear. I’m on it.”

    When he arrived to the common area, Steve seemed to have calmed down enough that his pulse wasn’t running a mile a minute, but his face, oh, but his face. The sight physically hurt. Blue blue eyes staring empty and vacant in front of him and tendrils of tears running down slightly pink cheeks, only interrupted by the occasional sob.

    No no, Tony thought, no this won’t do.

    He moved to usher Darcy off the floor and away from the stereo. She grunted in a way that Tony had quickly learnt in Darcinian meant basically ”Fine, but fuck you.”

    He rummaged through the music, until he found what he was looking for, silently thanking the few beers still in his system because there was no way he'd be comfortable enough doing this sober. Cap was too proud to talk, had always been. So Dusty it was.

    “Tony, what-”

    The first notes of Dusty Springfield’s ‘I only want to be with you’ started to pour from the speakers to interrupt him. Tony walked up to stand in front of him, hand outstretched.

    “Dance with me.”

    “Tony, no— come on.”

    “I’m serious, I mean the song is a bit after your time but it’s still pretty damn old.. I mean relatively.. should be right up your alley,” Tony grinned at him “and you need a dance, that much is obvious.”

    Steve sighed,  let the corner of his mouth quirk up in a way that was entirely unconvincing and wiped at his eyes.

    “Tony, I don’t think—”

    “Good, don’t think, it ruins the fun.”

    Steve looked up at that and almost allowed himself a small chuckle at the twinkling in Tony’s eyes.

    “Fine.”

    “Good.”

    He pulled Steve up by his arm, which honestly he would not have been able to do if Steve didn’t want him to, and led him away from the couch signaling to Darcy to push away the chairs and table; which she did, albeit a bit clumsily. She had managed to down an entire whiskey bottle by herself and Tony was actually kind of proud over the fact that she managed to remain upright for enough time to move the furniture.

    “I still can’t dance.”

    “It’s funner that way”, Tony winked and that finally wrought a smile and a small huff of laugh from Steve.

    “Knew I could force a smile out of ya, nobody stands a chance against my charms.

    “Your charms, huh?”

    “Yes, yes exactly. Please, try to keep up.”

{ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so I only know I never want to let you go 'Cause you started something, can't you see That ever since we met you've had a hold on me I happens to be true, I only want to be with you }

    Tony tried an easy and slow mash between a modern jive and something of a waltz, sticking to basic moves and made sure to keep it as stupid and goofy as possible; and Steve, ever the elegant super-human, was infuriatingly quick to catch on, following Tony’s lead in an upsettingly graceful manner. He still had a few tears on his face and the embarrassed smiles altered with choked of sobs and tiny hiccups.

{ It doesn't matter where you go or what you do I want to spend each moment of the day with you Look what has happened with just one kiss I never knew that I could be in love like this It's crazy but it's true, I only want to be with you }

    Tony let go of Steve with his left, catching him by surprise to twirl him and then managed a ridiculous little shimmy with his hips. Now that had Steve laughing; a real unrestrained laugh accompanied by a wet but genuine smile and if that wasn’t the most beautiful thing Tony had ever seen..

    “There he is”, he grinned “come on, Cap. Let’s show em how it’s done.”

    “You’re ridiculous.”

    “Fun. The word you’re looking for is fun.” and yes! Steve huffed another laugh. Tony did an internal victory dance. This was turning out to be a very good day after all, and Tony busied his mind with locking away mental image after image of Steve smiling, Steve laughing, Steve looking at him with something soft in his eyes.

    “Come on, Rogers! Shake it!”, Darcy exclaimed, then followed with a whoop and a drunken cackle.

    The tips of Steve’s ears tinted slightly pink and his cheeks followed approximately 1.5 seconds later.

    Adorable.

    Tony dove forward to twirl him again.

    “You heard the lady!”

    Steve’s laugh was quickly turning addictive and Tony felt obligated to keep the Captain laughing because yes, more of that, always more of that. He grabbed his hands and worked their arms back and forth in beat with the trumpets going baa-baba-ba and Steve was just completely, overwhelmingly adorable. He was so different from how he usually was: the tense, disciplined alwayslookingoutforeverybodyelse Captain America. Now he seemed more like the boy Tony had seen photographs of, the boy Steve used to be before they jacked him up on Super soldier juice. He looked slightly embarrassed but happy and loose, almost relaxed; and the tears had started to dry. Victory.

{ Now, listen, honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere As long as we're together, honey, I don't care 'Cause you started something, can't you see That ever since we met you've had a hold on me No matter what you do, I only want to be with you }

    “You stopped and smiled at me and asked if I cared to da-a-ance, I fell into your open aaarms,” Tony sang with the words and turned to jokingly fall against Steve’s arms looking up at him, “and I didn't stand a chance!”

    Okay, so maybe he was a bit more drunk than he had previously thought.

    “Ridiculous”, Steves chuckled, exasperated but fond.

    “FUN”, Tony enunciated every sound of the word like he was talking to a toddler “fun is the word you’re looking for.”

    The last notes of the song rang out and another oldie started playing. Steve dragged Tony up on his feet and turned him to wrap his arms around him, and then Tony was enveloped by massive and warm, warm, warm. If he allowed himself to melt a bit against Steve nobody had to know.

    “Thank you.”

    “Aw, Cap I should be the one thanking you. I’m the one who asked for the dance, remember?” Tony teased.

    Steve snorted.

    “Shut up.”

    “Language!” and Tony was proud that he had managed to sound genuinely offended. Again Steve chuckled and it was like molasses over Tony’s brain, music to his ears! Whatever, he loved it.

    “Ugh, I love your laugh”, and crap- he had said that out loud, hadn’t he?

    Steve tensed for a moment, then moved his head away to peer down at him, brows furrowed; his baby blues seemingly liquid in the low light. When Tony just grinned sheepishly and shrugged Steve’s features relaxed and he gripped Tony’s chin with his thumb and index finger, nuzzling his cheek and yeah this was quickly racing up to the top on Tony’s Best Things Ever- list, right above coffee and Black Sabbath's greatest hits.

    “Then I guess I’ll just have to do more of it.” he murmured against Tony’s skin. And then finally, blissfully, he tightened the grip on Tony’s chin and brought his lips up to meet his own.

    Tony made a choked off trilling noise in the back of his throat because yes.

    Steve hummed in response, angling his head just so and Tony melted some more.

    “Finally!”

    Oh, good, so Darcy was still awake then.

    Steve chuckled against Tony’s lips and that just left Tony in an awful position because smiling was good, smiling Steve was on his top three favourite things after all but smiling also stood in the way for maximum lips on lips contact and that would just not do.

    But then Steve licked over his bottom lip and yeah there went Tony’s last functioning brain cell. Good riddance, see you never.

    Behind them Darcy pointedly cleared her throat.

    “You know, even though this is adorable beyond words and all that, maybe you should, you know, not do that.. here.” she raised her right eyebrow meaningfully.

    Steve surprised them both by tipping his head back and barking out a laugh, tearing away from Tony a bit to wipe at his eyes. Huh, okay then. But Steve was smiling, and laughing and lookingyt   soft and happy and Tony’s heart swelled at the sight.

    Yeah, Steve-smiles was quickly becoming his favourite thing.

[fitnessexpert00-blog]

Fitness Isnt a Lifestyle Anymore. Sometimes Its a Cult

New Post has been published on https://fitnessqia.com/must-see/fitness-isnt-a-lifestyle-anymore-sometimes-its-a-cult/

Fitness Isnt a Lifestyle Anymore. Sometimes Its a Cult

San Franciscos Fort Mason park is empty in the early morning darkness, every surface the color of a used cast-iron pan. Its pouring rain, and Ive been wandering around since just after 6, trying to find well, Im not exactly sure. All I know is that, according to a Facebook post, members of one of the strangest fitness groups in the country are supposed to be meeting here right about now. But the Google Maps screenshot I pulled from the website seems to have directed me to a parking lot. Or the front door of the high-end vegetarian restaurant Greens. Its hard to tell.

I check Facebook again.

What are you planning to do for the first Monday of 2016? Sleep in? Lazily slog on into work? No need for that. Come join us for #DonutMondays at NPSF (Gil, dont forget the donuts!). Fort Mason. 6:25AM

Just as I start thinking Ill have to find my own doughnut, a woman in her mid-twenties jogs up to me looking equally lost. Shes dressed in a gray Adidas jacket, black leggings, and a tank top that resembles caution tape. Her wet hair is stuck to her forehead as though shes just been dunked in the Pacific.

Do you know where November Project meets? she asks with a slight accent. Relieved, I tell her Im trying to find them as well. Im Stine! she says.

And then she hugs me.

What distinguishes November Project is not just the fact that its freejust as instructors arent paid, members dont paybut the degree to which it actually is a social identity. The movement extends beyond exercising to encompass rituals and customs, social expecta­tions, and repercussions for failing to participate. Thats right: If you skip a November Project workout, youre not out any cash, but the fallout is arguably more severe. Youre, well, shamed. Online. Its weird.

Spoiler: Not a lot of people miss workouts. Teixeira calls it an absolute feast for someone studying motivation for exercise.

One member compared November Project to a church. More commonly, people refer to it as a cult. Never in the pejora­tive Im-trapped-and-I-cant-escape sense, though. More like, This is the greatest-tasting Kool-Aid in the world!

Laura McCloskey leads the San Francisco tribe in a high-intensity workout. Hugs and hand-holding are not optional.Jake Stangel

While we walk, Stine, whos originally from Denmark, tells me about her obsession with November Project. Shes been a member of the Boston tribebears repeating: tribefor about four months and is visiting San Francisco for the week. Its been such a great way to meet people. Cities can be lonely, but you have this instant community, she says, using a nice-enough line that begins to sound like propaganda as I hear other members repeat it.

Two people who say it a lot are Brogan Graham and Bojan Mandaric. They are November Projects cofoundersand they totally fit their gladiatorial-sounding names: 6-foot-tall, bald, tattooed former collegiate rowers. Back in 2011, when the friends were trying to stay motivated during a Boston winter, they agreed to work out every weekday morning at 6:30, keeping track of their progress on a spreadsheet named for that first month, November.

Then, for reasons neither can quite remember, they sent out a tweet to see if anyone would join in. Two people became three, and a movement was born. When the Boston tribe reached 300 people, Graham and Mandaric got matching tattoos.

In the past few years, fitness has developed into some­thing of a social identity — at least among plugged-in, upper-middle-class, roughly millennial-age urbanites.

It was a powerful turning point for Graham. During his sophomore year at Northeastern University, he was charged with assaulting a rival college rower. Though the charge was dropped in exchange for community service, he lost his scholarship and was kicked out of school. The experience shaped Grahams views on community and inclusion. Got a bad rap? I dont care, he wrote in the movements official history. Are you at November Project to be kind, work your ass off, and start your day right? Then thats all that matters.

As Stine is telling me how much she loves November Projects instant community, we find who were looking for. Unmistakably silhouetted against the foggy morning sky, about 40 people stand in a lopsided semicircle, arms crossed, heads bowed against the wind. They could be praying.

A woman in striped leggings and a North Face trucker hat climbs onto a park bench. Good morning! says Laura McCloskey, the San Francisco tribe leader, in a stage whisper. Were going to do a workout that I just came up with! I want everyone to break into groups of four! Find your four! Try to group up with someone you dont normally pair with!

Jake Stangel

Before we start, she asks if today is anyones first time. A few people raise their hands. I, not quite ready to give up my anonymity, do not. The newbies are directed to state where they come from, how they got here, and whether theyre single. A version of this happens at every November Project meetup, one of the traditions borrowed from Graham and Mandarics original Boston tribealong with chants, stair laps, a rallying move called the bounce, and, of course, physical affection. People come looking for a sense of belonging, Mandaric says. We foster that.

The same thing goes for November Projects other tactics for promoting inclusiveness. Hashtags are essential follow November Project on Twitter and youll see a lot of #hills­forbreakfast, #sleepwhenyouredead, and #justshow��up. Members usually don highlighter-colored sportswear, stenciled and spray-painted with the logo #grassrootsgear. The result is a group of people who look alike, sound alike, and hug alike.

Toward the end of our workout, a man in my squat group finally discovers that I didnt announce myself as a new member. Were going to fix this, he says with a grin. He outs me to McCloskey, who has me wave to everyone during the group photo (another ritual) and apologize for not making my presence known. Eventually, everyone becomes part of the tribe.

Jake Stangel

In Graham and Mandarics crew days, their coach had a policy: If anyone missed practice, the whole team had to do dry-land workouts. It worked because nobody wanted to let the group down. When they started November Project, they knew theyd need a similar system for keeping people accountable to the tribe.

I feel a tiny bit of thisan expectation that no one is above the groupwhen Im teased for not introducing myself. But thats nothing compared to what happens to someone who doesnt show up for a workout. For that, November Project has perfected a bizarre, more 21st-century form of establishing accountability: online shaming. This is known as We Missed You.

From November Projects website: If you decided that staying in bed was a better option than working out with your friends (who you promised that youll be there) then your face will be featured here.

Members usually don highlighter-colored sports­wear, stenciled and spray-painted with the logo #grassrootsgear.

By face, they mean embarrassing photos lifted from the shamed members Facebook profile or supplied by friends. Posts go on to explain that this person committed to attending a workoutmade a #verbal, in tribe-speakbut reneged. Screenshots of text messages and emails confirming said #verbal are posted, along with guesses as to why the absentee might have failed to show upanything from you must have gotten too drunk the night before to perhaps you were lost on a Segway tour. Its an elaborate expression of profound disappointment in the offending person, and there are hundreds of examples on the website.

Paddy OLeary, a member of the San Francisco tribe, remembers when he skipped a workout in 2013. A fellow member made him a We Missed You video; he hasnt missed a workout since. Other victims confirm the tactics effectiveness. You look like an idiot for sleeping in when everyone else is having an amazing time, says Holly Richardson, also in San Francisco. Its not worth it.

McCloskey makes no apologies for the policy. November Project is successful because it relies on word of mouth and accountability, she says. If I tell you that I will meet you at the corner of Market and Sanchez to run to November Project, come rain, snow, or dinosaurs, I will be there. In the event that someone sends one of those pathetic just cant do it texts at 5:55 am, we have the right to roast them. And roast we do.

Jake Stangel

Heres the fundamental thing about shaming: According to behavioral psychologists, its not supposed to work. Sure, it might force someone to make a change in the momentcontestants on The Biggest Loser shedding pounds before a national audience, for instancebut the effects dont always last. When your goals, attitudes, or values are shaped by external motivators, its unlikely youll stay satisfied or committed for long.

This is certainly true when it comes to working out. For decades, experts in behavior modification have tried to get people to commit to exercise. So far, nothing has worked, says Jack Raglin, a professor of kinesiology at Indiana University. It doesnt matter if youre paid to exercise, if youve paid to exercise, if you might die from lack of exercisemost people just dont stick it out.

Yet theres an undeniable element of shaming to this latest generation of exercise fads. It may have started with fitness trackers, which made people more aware of their activity levels in relation to othersreach 10,000 steps or your coworkers will know youre a slob. From there, programs began capitalizing on group pressure. In Orangetheory workouts, your calorie burn and heart rate are displayed on a screen. CrossFit posts scores as well, believing it encourages people to push harderand now its in 13,000 affiliated gyms worldwide.

But this motivation strategy, researchers like Raglin and Teixeira suggest, could be as doomed as any other. You may initially want to impress your peers or get your moneys worth, but those considerations rarely lead to true behavior change. If the standard adherence rate for exercise holds, Raglin says, half the people will stop showing up to these classes within a year.

Youd think this would apply to November Project too. After all, the threat of We Missed You is external. But there are some differences. November Project members are not paying anything to be there, the goals arent about burning the most caloriesyet people show up anyway. And many of them have been at this for years, without ever missing a single workout. Its clearly working for some people.

Jake Stangel

True motivation, Teixeira says, takes something extra, something intrinsic. If members of a group think they are gaining useful skills, feel personally valued, and perceive that they have control over their actions, they are more likely to fully commit. Teixeira believes November Project gives you a bit of all these things. And indeed, everyone I talk to seems like a lifer. But then again, I only talk to people who are there. The one real data point we have is that November Project continues to expand. A recent partnership with the North Face aims to help grow the movement.

Jennifer Hurst, an associate professor of health and exercise science at Truman State University, suggests November Project may be succeeding at pulling off a rare thing: positive shaming. It only works when the person truly cares what the shamers think, she says. The desire for social connectedness and the positive feeling some get from the environment must be worth the time, energy, and sacrifice. That explains why the rituals, cultlike as they seem, are so crucial. You dont want to disappoint people you hug, not to mention chant and bounce and dance with.

A number of years ago, Raglin and his colleagues found that married adults who enrolled in a recreational fitness program together had an average adherence rate of over 90 percent, compared to just 50 percent for those who enrolled on their own. The married pair didnt necessarily exercise together or even in the same room, Raglin says. They simply came and left together. Yet the social benefit was quite profound.

That may also help explain November Projects success. Members might not be married to each other, but theyre married to the group. And the group is what holds November Project together.

Jake Stangel

It turns out some November Project members actually are married to each other. At one of my workouts, a young couple tells me they met in the Boston tribe. The movement encourages this sort of thingleaders are expected to host mixers and speed-dating events. The phrase There will be babies appears on the blog and in promo material.

Yes, its all a bit creepy, and I dont blame passersby who look at us funny (there are many of them). And no matter how many times Im told that We Missed You is not about shaming, its about love, I wont be entirely convinced. But you cant deny the smile on these peoples faces. Nobody looks like that when theyre huffing it alone on a treadmill in their garage. I wont be heading up a November Project tribe back home in Santa Fe, but if one comes to my town, I wouldnt say no to a few hugs.

With dawn creeping over the edges of the city, we put our arms around each other and start to bounce. Yall good? someone says, in signature November Project whisper-shout. Fuck yeah! the group whispers back.

Surprising myself just a little, I say it too.

Meaghen Brown (@meaghenbrown) is a freelance journalist based in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and the former online fitness editor for Outside.

This article appears in the July 2016 issue.

Read more: http://www.wired.com/

[gramgoessurfing]

Thoughts of a redhead in the ocean

I’ve decided to write about another trip because I had enough thoughts to fill up more space than a few tweets, I hope. This is about a 5 day surf trip I took down California in my 2010 white Toyota Camry, which isn’t exactly what a 25 year old boy dreams his surf car will look like. After shaming my family for retroactively making the wrong decision at the car dealership when I was in my junior year of high school for only this moment, I filled up my tank of gas and played tetris with my 5′9 surfboard until it fit diagonally inside my car. It wasn’t a good look. I avoided eye contact with all other drivers for the full duration of all red lights I encountered. If you read my last 2 blogs about my trip to Europe and Africa, you may have noticed the subjects of my blog are becoming less exciting and adventurous, both in activities and geographical distance from homebase. I’ve decided my next and last blog will be 2000 words about the uncharted territory of my studio apartment.

The way I planned this trip is that I didn’t. I had no idea what beach I was going to until the morning of each day, nor did I care as long as there were waves and sunscreen. I did not tell my mom about this strategy because she would have felt that she failed as a mother as to how I planned this trip and would have either spent years in therapy or bulk ordered those awful York peppermint candies she likes (again) to suppress her feelings, to which I don’t know what’s worse. I then proceeded to buy a book that’s above my reading level and took off.

My first stop was Santa Cruz, which is also my favorite town. You know you’re in Santa Cruz when you see most people longboarding their dogs barefoot down the sidewalk. There’s an appropriately named break called pleasure point where I like to go and surf until I either cant feel my arms anymore from paddling or I see the ugliest creature both in or out of the water that seems to linger around the area, the elephant seal. God made this animal to raise the self esteem of humans.

I started this trip on a Monday and hopped in the water around 2 pm. People who surf at 2 pm on a Monday are different than people who surf on a weekend. On a weekend, you look around when you’re out there and it seems obvious that the majority of people are just those with regular jobs trying to harness enough fun to get through the next workweek without an ‘incident’. Monday at 2 pm is different. There’s a different vibe. Time tends to slow down and there’s less clutter and you look around at the diversity of water lovers sitting atop a board waiting for the next set to come in and project what went so right (or wrong) in their lives that they are in the ocean at such a time. You can tell there are people out at that time who need to be; you can feel their pent-up energy likely from the aftermath of some type of job stress or gambling addiction crisis and they’re here because if they’re here they’re not causing domestic violence at home. Then there are the people on the other end of the spectrum, those who are either unemployed (like me) or retired and are searching for the high from the waves that inevitably comes with pleasure point at high tide.

My friends have told me when they’re in the ocean surfing or swimming their problems tend to go away. They’re not thinking about their job or what errands they have to run or that their girlfriend is mad at them for not waiting to watch the most recent episode of Ozark together. I don’t know if thats true for me. Yes, my problems that I usually worry about go away, but new problems replace them. Now I’m just on the constant lookout for any abnormal movement in the water to locate whatever seal or shark smells the blood of the small cut on my thumb from biting my nails during the most recent NBA playoff game, or worrying if my pale redhead self is going to need chemo sooner than later because I just wanted to catch 1 more wave while the sun gives me freckles that I didn’t ask for. Also, judging by the way wells fargo keeps bothering me about how I don’t have enough money in my savings account, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of their recently hired tellers put on a wetsuit and found me in the ocean to tell me the way I’ve been using my credit card lately doesn't match up with my ‘financial roadmap’.

Pismo Beach: This was the climax of the trip, and sorry for using such a word but I didn’t like any of the other options that  http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/synonym offered me so this is what I’m going with. Climax. I’m not sure what I did to deserve what happened this day. I don’t think I’m a big believer in karma but I was looking back at what I could have possibly done that morning to grant me such luck. Maybe it was the cadence in which I ordered my tall iced Americano at starbucks or the fact that I complimented my air bnb host on the layout of her bathroom before I left only to get a response that guests weren’t allowed in that bathroom. Whatever it was, I was in heaven for 90 minutes at Pismo pier and caught so many 6 foot lefts I would have still been smiling if someone threw a boba tea at me later that evening. When trying to park at the beach I took a wrong turn and approached a parking attendant who told me I needed to turn around to previous parking lot or I could spend 4 dollars to park on the beach. I laughed right in her face thinking she was making a joke only upon realizing moments later when I walked to the beach with my board that there were, in fact, cars parked on the beach. Strange place SLO is.

I need to take a quick break and dedicate a section to the things nobody wants to talk about: getting into a cold/wet wetsuit. There’s two type of people in this world: those who know what this feels like and those who don’t. Those who know have a certain look in their eyes and there needs to be more advocacy to address the victims. If you’re one of the lucky few who has no idea what I’m talking about, I’ll guide you through the experience. This is the part of this blog where I wish I recorded an audiobook, but bear with me: There’s a few ways you get stuck in this situation. Either you surfed recently and left your wetsuit in your trunk due to laziness or you surfed recently and left your wetsuit in your trunk due to stupidity. Whatever avenue led you to this point, there’s no turning back. First comes the shameful act of untangling your cold, damp suit while retracing the steps that brought you to this point. Nothing better than the 5 stages of grief perfectly describes the process. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. All of those words have a place in this. You start to ask yourself if you even want to surf and if the 45 minutes it took you to get to the ocean could just be turned into a nice drive and back. You actually telling yourself things outloud under your breath like ‘it’s not the destination that matters but the journey’. But then you snap out of it. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the side mirror of your Camry and know you’d never be able to look at yourself again if you don’t grow a pair and put that fucking wetsuit on right now. So you do. You put one leg in at a time and pull it up your waist where it passes a particularly sensitive part of your body and then pull it up over your shoulders and by this point you realize the world isn’t a fair place and you go hop in the water.

Santa Barbara next. Gloomy, overcast, misty, Santa Barbara. I went out near a wetlands earlier in the morning on a break with small waves and the smell of methane gas surfacing up through the kelp due to the oil reserves nearby. It seemed boring compared to the day before but I always have a baseline happiness when I’m in the water regardless of what’s happening. After catching a few small waves, I peed in my wetsuit and got out of the water. Apparently somebody in Isla Vista took a break from playing snappa and decorated a concrete structure:

No matter what day or time you’re out though, there’s always that guy who thinks he either owns or has reserved the ocean for the day. I have devised a 4 step process as to how to identify who this person is and it is very easy:

1) paddle for and try to catch literally any wave

2) wait and listen for an extremely loud voice calling everyone else off the wave

3) watch the target person scream profanities/give evil eyes to anybody who was within 100 yards of him on the same wave as he paddles back out

4) watch him put his affliction t-shirt in the parking lot after he’s done surfing.

If you’re wondering, the answer is yes, this is the exact same person who tells you to stop being a bitch when you’re playing pick up basketball and calling your own fouls and call one on the guy who pushes you with 2 hands during a layup and you look back at him and he’s of course wearing a randy moss NFL jersey and what he thinks are basketball shoes but are really from the streetwear section of footlocker.

Los Angeles: After Santa Barbara I kept driving South and stopped in Ventura which I have no good content about except that its a perfect place and I would like to move there. After that I drove to spend the night in West Hollywood at an air bnb that ended up being a windowless bedroom in the back of a massage spa (healingpoint, see below). In my defense, I did not seek this out I just booked my room too fast without reading descriptions. I spent most of that night walking around in mandatory slippers and looking at different consistencies of massage oil that were for sale. I still haven’t finished unpacking the strangeness of this night, but I’m sure the effects it had on me won’t come out until later in my life, much like when your mom’s passive aggressiveness toward you as a child doesn’t manifest itself until you’re 22 and yelling at your significant other about how they got the wrong color shower curtain.

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl

[vapidsims]

This guy again?

yes im bringing him again 

This time for @shae-sims Casa Amor! 

Name: Caster Lang

Age: 28

Ethnic: Blasian

Personality: Goofball| Exra| Micheivious

Occupation: tech assistant. freelance on the side.

Hobby: fishing

Sign: Gemini

From: Brindleton bay

If you ask anybody who knows him on a surface level they’ll probably say Caster’s one of the funniest most charming dudes they ever met. That he brightens up the room when he walks in, goofing off with the finger guns and all that, makin the jokes! he’ll make an absolute fool of himself tryna get that old man sitting at the bar to chuckle.

Ask somebody who knows him on a more tertiary level and they’ll say…well, hes a bit off. they dont know what it is though, they couldnt possibly begin to explain whats rubbed them the wrong way. and strangely enough, the time they start feeling like that is the same time Caster goes *poof* out of their social lives.

( long text and mommy/daddy issues under the cut)

Lets get educational here, Who is Caster Lang? Hes certainly not gonna tell you.

Ask him about personal stuff, you get roundabout answers. want to pry? you may as well be pulling his teeth.

But hes a great guy so no big deal. Right? Right.

Hes a prankster, he loves jokes, he smiles and laughs, A LOT.  Somebody stole his car? he’ll probably just make a self depricating joke about it and keep on rolling on foot.

he dosnt…seem to care.

He was born to an (initially) happy couple, until just a day after his birth, where his mother decided she didnt love her husband any more. she tried to stick the marriage out, but it fell apart after six more years. A nasty divorce proceeded. And as it turned out after all that. Neither parent wanted their kid.

Then he spent a little too long being bounced from relative to relative until he ended up in foster care anyway. And by the time that happened he was too old to be wanted. He got taken in by an old man who really needed company….And a maid. As soon as he was old enough to mind himself and the old guy had died. Caster bounced off to the other side of the country and left everything/everybody back home in the dust.

Hes the local funnydude. sure. hes got charm. yeah. but on the underside, he likes to be at the center of a trainwreck. He moves quietly… Theres a loose thread hanging off of everybody and hes waiting to pull and watch what unravels. just like what happened with his parents. Dan across the street has a little insecurity that he accidently mentions offhand? you can bet Caster filed that away in his memory to use later. Caster meets Dans wife at the store some months from then? they chat about Dan for a bit. Then the neighbors are whispering. And then the town is whispering…

Its not his fault, the problem was already there, he just…casually made them aware of it…   its a slow burn, it takes time to catch….but man does he love to watch the flames…

And nobody suspects him. Unassuming a$s

Cas and Dan across the street will still be friends for a while. But Dan eventually starts to feel the same strange feeling others get after being exposed to him too long. Caster is used to this, hes a walking,talking, self fulfilling prophecy. Hes a curse that just keeps cursing…. hes up in smoke just like that.

Dude goes into everything prepared for and expecting rejection, he makes it so….why join a show?

He just wants to make people laugh at his funny ass on tv? yes maybe.

Is he there a chance he could actually find somebody who cares about him? hopefully. but he knows not to get his hopes up. he dosent make it easy…

He wants to plant seeds in the background and then watch the absolute sh*tshow  tree that grows out of them? probably.

All of the above? most definitely.

More details:

hes obviously never seen a therapist. hes an expert at self managing. whats that? thats his third cup of iced cream? whatever he’ll work it off.

Hes happy to please. you want him to get those heavy buckets. yes of course! want him to drive across town to get that gourmet cheesecake for you? sure thing! anything else? you can run him ragged.

Kinda into masochism dont @ him

He doesnt sleep as much as any human should. Its not unusual for you to get up at 3am and hes just…standing, in the kitchen, eating more icecream. he’ll say hes got insomnia. the dark circles under his eyes say so too.

He loves cats, and the cats love him. whenever he goes fishing he’d gladly give the scraps to all his adoring strays. They dont promise him anything and then leave, they just do cat things.

tried reaching out to his family a few times while living with the old man and either got short replies or outright “dont talk to me”s

If you’re gonna fite him it better be right there and then cause if you tell him to “meet you in the back of the mountain steak shack a quarter past midnigt on the eve of a full moon” He aint showing up. hes at home watching dr phil.

He does NOT skip leg day. or…overall body day. tries (and mostly fails) to hide that hes ripped.

greens and blues are his favorite colors.

has a hard time dressing himself. he tries hard.

“But what about finding his true love”?

He’d like to. however comma,

Is anyone gonna put up with him once they find out how he is? whom of yall like fixing a broken house? xD

(pls enjoy fixing a broken house, or helping him unpack his issues, buy his therapy)

“What about the prize money”?

save it for a nice place to live and adopt the most unwanted kid he could find and spoil them. (he IS a jerk undercover but this probably says a little something)

He’ll go wherever the wind dropkicks him~