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chelseeebe · 2 years ago

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dirty little secret.

NOT MY GIF!

summary: a babysitting gig at one of your dad's employee's houses leads to a filthy affair of secrets with a certain mr. harrington.

a/n: i have not proofread this one bit, i just wanted to get it posted so i could start on some ghostface!steddie hehe. i suppose this is another installment of the older!steve/mr.harrington saga though in my head they're different people.

he's a scummy scumbag but that's okay because it's sexy (don’t do this irl) smut and inappropriate relationship dynamics. r is 23/24 and steve is mid 40's ish.

it had all started fairly innocently.

a simple phone call asking if you could do some last minute babysitting. sure. easy enough.

earn some extra cash for doing absolutely nothing.

your dad had recommended you. someone who worked for him, steve or something or other, you’d met him before but that was years ago when you were much younger.

christ, you had a degree now. navigating the post-grad world. not with much luck.

the actual babysitting had been simple enough, feed the kids, put them to bed and now you could just relax.

the house was huge. obviously not decorated by a man, or at least not on his own. it was all meticulously designed, you’d never know there were kids living here. or anybody at all for that sake.

you’re lounging on the sparkling white couch waiting for this illusive steve to get back from wherever. your dad had said eleven but it was well past.

he makes an appearance at quarter to twelve, sighing loudly as he steps into the large hallway. the door makes you jump, sitting up straight on the sofa as if it were illegal to be sitting comfortably on such an expensive piece of furniture.

you peer over the back of the couch as he walks into the living room. finally putting a face to the name. you’d gone to his wedding reception so many years back, unhappy and moody as you’d been dragged along.

‘i am so sorry,’ he says, shaking his head and removing the tailored suit jacket, slinging it over a chair, ‘the dinner ran over and then it was just awful traffic.. how were they? i hope they didn’t give you too much shit,’ chuckling deeply.

‘no.. no, they were great,’ you nod, smiling weakly, standing up to gather your things and finally leave.

you couldn’t help but notice how tight his shirt was, clinging onto his defined arms. you draw your eyes away quickly, slinging your bag over your shoulder.

‘good,’ he breathes, pouring himself a glass of whisky out of the obviously insanely expensive bottle, ‘d’you drink?’ offering a glass to you.

‘uhh.. not whisky,’ laughing quietly, still standing awkwardly in the middle of the obscenely large room.

‘it’s good stuff,’ he shrugs, still holding the second glass to you.

‘i’m okay.. thank you though,’ you nod, stepping closer to him. he smelled great. expensive.

‘fair enough,’ he laughs, taking a short sip, ‘right.. you wanna be paid,’ digging around his pocket for his wallet.

his pants also incredibly well fitted. there’s no need to mention what they were showcasing.

you give him a tight lipped smile, looking anywhere but his crotch.

his wallet is almost overflowing, stuffed with notes and various cards. you try not to gawp at the sight. your dad most definitely did not flex like this.

he hands you four fifty dollar bills, holding the pile in your palm. fingers clasping your hand. the sensation alone is enough to give you butterflies.

‘that’s too much,’ you shake your head, trying to refuse. a whole two hundred dollars to make mac and cheese and watch television.

‘no no, take it, thank you for coming so last minute, have you got a ride home? i can get you a cab?’ he nods, maintaining heavy eye contact, honestly making you squirm.

‘i drove.. thank you so much,’ placing the notes into your bag, still under his heavy gaze.

‘okay,’ he smiles, ‘i’ll uh- i’ll get your number from your dad for next time.. if you don’t mind?’

‘uhh..yeah sure.’

‘great.. thank you, again,’ his hand brushes against your arm, causing the goosebumps to rise instantly.

you give him one last shy smile and walk to the oversized front door. baffled by the things you were feeling. the small yearning feeling bubbling in your stomach. a man god knows how many years your senior. it felt wrong.

dirty.

the next time you babysit for him, he’s prepared. a bottle of fancy vodka left next to the whisky.

‘you’re a vodka girl, right? i can tell,’ he winks, a deep laugh erupting from his throat as he pours the clear liquid into a glass.

‘ahh.. how’d you know?’ you smile, not wanting to refuse the man, especially as he’d gone out of his way to get this for you.

he taps his temple, holding the drink out to you, ‘intuition..’

the conversation flows on, telling him about your degree and where you planned to go with it. him humbly flexing his own work, talking about the various connections he could make for you.

‘i know you’re robert’s daughter but i just.. i feel like i’ve seen you before,’ his eyebrows squeeze together, knee almost touching yours as his legs spread across the sofa.

‘i uh- i actually went to your wedding, the reception at least,’ you laugh, still heavily avoiding eye contact even though you could feel his eyes boring into your face.

‘oh my god, that’s right.. you were miserable,’ his laughter rumbles through the room, if the house weren’t so big you’d be worried about it waking the kids. not a chance they could hear a thing in this mansion.

‘i was.. i didn’t know you! my dad made us go,’ you giggle, just about meeting his dark eyes before quickly glancing down at his hand grasping the glass, noticing the lack of wedding ring.

he notices, rubbing the empty finger, ‘no,’ chuckling, ‘we’re not.. if you were wondering,’ you can’t tell if it’s a smirk or just his slightly tipsy smile.

‘sorry,’ you breathe, awkward that he’d noticed your attempt at subtlety.

‘don’t be.. we’re still married for now, but we’re not together,’ he nods, seemingly unaffected by the separation.

‘oh.. right,’ you chuckle, unsure of how you’d ended up discussing his divorce at midnight on a friday night. it wasn’t exactly anywhere near where you’d pictured yourself being after graduation.

‘d’you have a boyfriend?’ he asks, shifting slightly to face more towards you, still nursing the neat whisky.

you shake your head, ‘no.. not at the moment,’ staring just past him as to not make direct eye contact.

‘oh, i thought for sure someone would’ve snatched you up,’ his gaze falters, lingering on your exposed thigh, your skirt had slightly ridden up as you’d sat.

‘surprisingly not,’ weary as to whether you should pull your skirt down or let his eyes loiter. opting for the latter.

the attention was nice. unexpected. but not unappreciated. it made your stomach tight, slightly intimidated by his dark eyes.

‘hmm, that’s a shame,’ his tongue runs along his bottom lip, eyes slowly making their way up to meet yours.

you don’t know what to do. where to leave your eyes. his intense stare only worsening your composure. you’d have probably thrown yourself at him if he didn’t answer to your dad. complicating matters immensely.

‘you want another drink?’ he asks, leaning closer, shaking his own empty glass.

‘no.. thank you,’ the words struggle to come out, throat dry at the proximity of his body to yours. the smell of whisky and his cologne mixing to create an intoxicating smell.

‘sure?’ he reiterates, smirking as his eyes fall to your parted lips. mostly trying to regain air into your lungs.

your breath hitches in your throat, suddenly unable to speak, watching as he slowly moves over. cocky smile plastered across his face, relishing in your spreading blush.

he brings his face to within just a few inches of yours, pausing, ‘tell me if this is too much,’ the feel of his breath against your nose.

you shake your head slightly, almost paralysed by his eyes. it was confirmation enough for steve. his lips brushing yours softly, as his free hand moves to rest just above your knee.

your lips move with his, tasting the remnants of the expensive alcohol as his tongue glides across your bottom lip and into your mouth. a quiet gasp comes out as his fingers slide up your leg, his smirk evident against your mouth.

letting him take full control of the kiss, leaning back as his chest presses against yours. he takes full advantage of your new position, fingers creeping up your already short skirt.

you move back fully, back against the soft cushions. he doesn’t break the kiss as he moves on top, sliding between your now open legs, groaning into your mouth when your hands finally touch him.

resting on his shoulders as he manoeuvres his body, fitting perfectly with yours. he pulls back from the kiss, taking a brief moment to catch his breath, looking into your eyes for encouragement.

you haven’t enough time to process anything before his hips begin to move against yours, lips now attacking your jaw line. peppering kisses and gentle nibbles to the skin, eliciting a barely audible moan from your throat.

his hand had found it’s way to your panties, fingers rubbing against the cotton, ‘holy shit,’ he mumbles into your neck, ‘you’re already soaked.’

you recoil, burying your face into the pillow next to your head. this only makes him laugh, his body vibrating against yours as your panties are pushed aside, two fingers circling your entrance before slipping inside.

‘shit,’ you curse into the pillow, gripping onto his shirt.

his other hand comes up, coaxing your face out of the pillow with a gentle hand. when you finally emerge you can feel your cheeks heat up, his blown out pupils gazing back at you.

‘look at me,’ his voice bellows out, ensuring your attention stays firmly on him. you almost want to look away, just to see what he’d do.

there’s a small voice from somewhere up the stairs, ‘daddy,’ it whines and steve groans above you.

‘shit.. two minutes,’ he curses, removing his hand from underneath your skirt, climbing off of the couch.

you’re immediately jolted back to earth. back to mr. harrington’s living room where you were immodestly dressed. you sit up, face screwed up in disgust at your frankly whorish actions and pull your skirt down to an appropriate length.

‘fuck,’ you hiss to yourself, what the hell where you doing? screwing around with your dad’s employee who by the way, was at least double your age, was not on your cards.

you stand, frantic to gather your things and escape before he comes back down. you’d just ignore him if he called again. you could cut the loss on whatever you were owed for tonight.

you’re halfway down the long corridor when he creeps down the stairs, ‘sneaking out?’ his voice appears from behind, making you jump halfway out of your skin.

spinning on your heel to face him, every part of your body heating up with embarrassment, ‘i should get home..’

‘you don’t have to.. stay,’ he grins, walking towards you, one hand brushing against your arm.

you swallow, knowing exactly where that hand had been just minutes earlier. the feel of his bulge moving against your thigh. you almost shudder at the thought.

‘i shouldn’t..’ you manage to squeak out, mind preoccupied by what was hidden under those tight-fitted suit pants.

‘it’s late, i’m sure your dad wouldn’t want you driving at this time,’ he bargains, fingers squeezing around your arm.

‘okay,’ you breathe, relinquishing your stance, it seems it didn’t take much.

‘good,’ he nods, a smug expression overtakes his features, ‘give me two minutes,’ letting go of your arm and walking back into the dimly living room.

you stand awkwardly in the hallway, clutching your small bag and waiting for him to return from whatever the fuck he was doing. it was honestly made worse with the anticipation of what was to come. it was inevitable.

the light snaps off and he re-emerges, clutching onto a small glass of whiskey, motioning for you to climb the stairs.

you oblige as he follows closely, spare hand reaching up to rest on the small of your back.

‘ah.. i don’t think the guest bedroom has been cleaned.. i can make up the bed for you quickly if you want?’ he hushes, hand dropping to hover just above your ass.

you roll your eyes instinctively, it would seem men never grow out of the awful frat-boy tactics. he feigns shock for a brief moment before guiding you further up the hallway, towards his own room.

you hold your breath, entering the room. a large bed with silk covers takes up most of the room. he closes the door softly behind him, flicking on the lamp and setting his drink on the bedside table.

you marvel at the room, the extravagance of it all. it honestly could’ve passed as a five star hotel. he walks back over to you, running his hands around your rigid frame. unexpected overcome with nerves.

‘relax,’ he breathes, nudging his face into your neck, pressing amorous kisses down onto your exposed collarbone.

a small sigh leaving your mouth, which steve loves. taking it as a sign to continue, walking you over to the bed, hands groping any flesh they could.

your skirt flipped up over your ass as he continues the attack on your neck. your hands finally settling on his muscular shoulders, clinging on to his white shirt as you're dipped back onto the bed, his body climbing on top of yours.

'wow,' he mumbles, muffled by the crook of your neck, hands roaming the length of your body, 'so pretty.'

his large palm glides up, lifting your shirt with it, the cold air immediately leaving goosebumps over the exposed skin. only worsened by his soft fingertips trailing along behind your shirt, breaking apart long enough to pull it over your head.

your mouth falling open when his lips find their way to your neck once again, sucking on the tender skin. your fingers absentmindedly unbuttoning his shirt, defined shoulders peeking out as you gently tug it down his arms.

moving down to rid him of his pants, not ignoring how big he already felt under your palm, wondering if you'd even be able to take him all.

'y'sure about this?' he asks into your neck, fumbling with your panties as your hand tries and fails to undo his belt buckle.

you nod, cheek brushing against his mess of hair still buried in your neck. he reappears, gazing down at you as your fingers continue to fumble with the expensive, over-complicated belt.

you finally unclasp the metal, gasping as his cold hands brush against your thighs, fingers finding their way to your sensitive clit, circling around, causing a hushed moan. terribly aware that his children were not too far from you.

‘j-jesus,’ you mumble, sliding down his tailored trousers and rutting your hips against his, feeling his already very erect cock against your centre.

he’s still staring down at you, inches away from your face, unable to decipher the look on his face, a mix between animalistic desire and lust.

your legs lock around his torso and he wastes no time in aligning himself with your entrance, only breaking eye contact to look down at the space between your bodies before sliding in, a raspy moan vibrating from his throat.

hand sliding from the back of his already moist neck, down onto his shoulders, his shirt half-off as he thrusts in and out, pressing his forehead against yours. it feels incredibly intimate, his hot breath brushing against your cheek, the sounds of his balls slapping against your drenched cunt.

your head falls back onto the pillow, hair splayed out around you, rhythmically slamming into you. eyes fluttering closed when his thumb finds your sensitive clit once more. he grins when your hips buck against his in instant approval.

'yeah? y'like that?' he breathes, slowing his pace as you clench around him, nearing your climax. you can't open your eyes to look at him, the immense feeling of pleasure growing in your lower abdomen.

his gruff groans only accelerating your orgasm, 'sh-shit,' you babble, digging your nails into his skin as you reach your peak, waves of hot pleasure running through your body, thighs squeezing his torso, pulling him deeper as you writhe against him.

a series of expletives tumble from your lips, loosening your grip on his skin as he continues thrusting into your now sensitive cunt. the sound of your sweet moans pushing steve to his own orgasm, hips stuttering with his final few strokes before pulling out, painting your thighs with his load.

his mouth hangs open as he catches his breath, running a hand through his damp hair, watching as you come back down to earth. you brave opening your eyes, catching his amorous stare, a small smile overtaking his face.

you're unsure of how to feel, slightly embarrassed, still laid bare on the cotton bedsheets, scrambling to cover yourself as he reaches for a previously discarded towel. cleaning the mess he had made on your skin.

'well.. i'm glad you didn't sneak out,' he simpers, removing collapsing onto the bed beside you, fully removing the half-undone shirt from his body.

'me too,' you attempt to contain the smile on your face with the pillow, though it doesn't really work, exposing your smugness.

he sits up slightly, peering over you to the alarm clock on the bedside table, 'it's late, y'should probably just stay here.. just say i got back super late,' falling back onto the mattress.

you nod, not wanting to defy his suggestion. not that you wanted to leave anyway, fairly happy to stay right here with him.

steve pulls the satiny covers fully over the both of you, turning on his side to face you. dimly lit by the definitely overpriced lamp in the corner of the room. his hand comes up to your waist, pulling your body into his.

you're clueless as to how this had all transpired. now in what was technically your bosses bed, falling asleep in the older man's arms with no idea how you'd explain this to your dad in the morning.

steve's lips wake you in the morning, his stubble brushing against your shoulder as you blink, remembering where the hell you were.

you hadn't woken when he'd got up earlier to get his kids ready for school, probably for the best. not wanting to answer questions as to why their new babysitter was still here in the morning, dressed in their dad's shirt.

'good morning,' he breathes, nose nuzzled into the back of your neck, strong arms snaking around your waist.

'hi,' you respond, slowly coming to, relaxing into his embrace.

'nancy's taken the kids to school.. we've got a little time before i've gotta work,' you can feel his smirk, wandering hands already finding themselves between your thighs.

'your ex-wife was here?' sounding slightly panicked, knowing deep down that whatever had happened last night would land the both of you in serious trouble.

steve picks up on your worry, planting a wet kiss to your shoulder, 'don't worry.. she just picks them up, we're good,' reassuring you only slightly.

before you can dwell on the thought too much, his erection presses against your ass, eliciting a sharp gasp from your throat. you giggle, moving your leg to allow further access.

not quite sure what exactly was going on but absolutely elated to be involved.

your dad always had an extravagant party for his birthday. like, unnecessarily big with far too much money poured into it. you’d had to miss the last few years as his birthday fell in finals week.

the last time you remember going was when you were seventeen, you’d sat in the corner for the entire night watching as everyone danced and got drunk. wishing you could’ve been literally anywhere else in the moment.

this year, you’d have to go and deal with the fact steve was also there. in his best suit with those sickly fitting pants, hair perfectly styled and smelling like that intoxicating cologne you loved.

and you’d have to do it all without giving any inclination as to what was going on between you. it was about to be the hardest night of your life.

steve had even helped you pick out your dress. obviously opting for the most revealing option, trying to play it off as just liking you in black. you’d sworn there was a teenage boy alive inside of that man.

the last few weeks had been spent with him, mostly under the guise of babysitting. spending days at a time in his glorious house, waiting for nancy to collect the kids so you could leave his room. indulging in luxurious breakfasts, sharing clothes and enough sex to keep you satisfied for life.

not without plenty of gifts, hand-crafted pieces of jewelry and god knows how many bright bouquets of flowers now littered around your room. even adorning the beautiful diamond necklace you'd received last week, tonight.

your sister had questioned the sudden abundance of gifts but you'd carefully brushed her off, putting it down to some new guy you'd been seeing, she wouldn't know him.

the start of the party was absolutely fine. sipping on some rather expensive white wine, listening to your father go on and on about his life, never missing an opportunity to talk about you and your sister.

it was inevitable that at some point you would have to speak to steve. especially as you were his new babysitter and seemed to be over there a hell of a lot, working.

‘she’s great, isn’t she?’ your dad boasts, standing between you and steve.

your eyes meet his, a sight you’d actually missed all night. taking your bottom lip between your teeth, a small knowing smile on your lips.

‘yeah, absolutely.. i’d be lost without her,’ steve grins, nudging your dads arm. his eyes don’t leave yours, blood rushing to your cheeks, playing it off as just being bashful at all of the attention.

‘you’re over there enough, i’m surprised you let her have the night off,’ your dad laughs, slinging his arm around your shoulder and rubbing your arm.

‘ahh of course, she can have anything she wants,’ he clears his throat, continuing to make heavy eye contact, ‘she’s such a big help y’know?’

‘too right,’ your dad laughs, clinking his glass against steve’s.

you want to get the fuck out of there, unsure if you had the strength to not fucking pounce on steve the second your dad looked away.

the chat goes on for a little while, switching topics to unimaginably boring topics like whatever it was they did for work. steve had attempted to explain it to you, not that it was much help.

the small group disperses into their own groups and you’re left stood opposite steve, clutching onto your wine glass trying your damn hardest not to let your eyes falter to his package.

he leans in, whispering into your ear, ‘come and find me in five minutes.. there’s an empty meeting room down the hall, you’ll know which one,’ before pulling away, you suspect to go to said room.

you almost don’t want to. let him sit there waiting on his own as revenge for the flirtatious words he’d spoken about you to your dad. you don’t. obviously.

there was not a chance you could leave him be, especially not with the way he looked tonight.

besides, it was kinda fun. risky. there wasn’t much risk involved when you were at his house. other than dodging nancy in the mornings and hoping praying that the kids wouldn’t walk in in the middle of the night.

you give a quick look around, patting the older woman on the arm as you break away from the conversation you were only half-included in. trying not to trip over your feet as you exit, trying to find this meeting room.

there’s a row of almost identical doors and you want to curse him out when the last door in the corridor is adorned with a large, silver 69 nailed to the wood.

you open the door slowly, edging your way into the room when you’re pulled into the darkness. large hands grabbing at your waist holding your body against his chest.

‘oh my god,’ you say, almost too loudly, holding yourself steady as you grip onto his shirt sleeves.

‘shh..’ he hushes, you can just about make out his features from the small amount of light being let into the room. half of his face engulfed in the shadows.

‘you’re a child,’ you smirk, slightly tipsy and very much desperate for his touch.

‘i knew you’d find it,’ he chuckles, fingers digging into the fat around your waist, eager to feel the skin beneath your dress.

‘you’re not fu-,’ you’re interrupted by his lips crashing against yours, trying to pull you even closer. he’d mesh your skin with his if he could.

your hands move to cup his face, palms running against the stubble on his cheeks. jesus christ he could have you right here. you wouldn’t even care at this point.

his fingers inch your already short dress up, riding to the top of your thighs. you slip your tongue into his mouth, the one tiny bit of dominance you had in this situation.

a low groan rumbles into your mouth as one hand glides down his torso, stopping just above his belt. he manoeuvres both of you backwards, crashing into a rogue desk, fingertips surely leaving bruises as they clutch onto you.

‘we can’t,’ he mumbles, lips resting on the side of your mouth, leaving small, wet kisses as your fingers work on undoing his belt buckle.

‘we can,’ you nod frantically, aching to feel him inside of you.

the metal clanks together as you get it unbuckled, sliding a hand into his pants, palming above his boxers at his growing cock as he grunts into your mouth. falling apart at your touch.

the hallway light flickers on fully, footsteps leading up the corridor, stopping just before the room you were in. you pull your head back, eyes wide, just about seeing his worried expression.

‘well we’re about to do the cake, where is she?’ the voice you now recognise as your sister’s echoes in the hallway.

hand still comfortably dipped into his trousers as your head snaps to the door, making desperate pleas to god and anyone else above that she’d turn back around.

‘shit..’ he whispers, pulling your hand from his boxers by your wrist, distressed as your sister walks further up the hallway and back down.

you’re confident she’s back in the main hall as you exhale, relief washing over you, ‘oh my god,’ you giggle slightly, it was pretty funny now the immediate threat had gone.

steve does not share the amusement, his face straight as zips his pants back up, pulling away from you. you screw up your face in confusion, yanking your dress back down to an appropriate length.

‘jesus fucking christ,’ he huffs, tucking his shirt back in.

‘oh c’mon.. it’s fine, she doesn’t know.. no one knows,’ you frown, placing a hand on his arm in an attempt to reassure him.

‘this was a stupid idea,’ jerking his arm away.

‘this was your idea,’ utterly dumbfounded by his attitude, nothing bad had happened so was the annoyance really necessary?

‘i know that- look, you should get back out there,’ he shoos you off to the door.

‘why are you being so weird? it’s fine,’ you breathe, now slightly offended that he was being so mean.

‘go.. they’re looking for you,’ patting your back, ‘i’ll slip out in a minute.’

one of the downsides to an older man definitely included his lack of a sense of humour. you didn’t appreciate having to explain simple jokes or why you found something funny. it was as if he felt the need to be serious about everything.

you shake your head as you slip out of the door, making sure the hallway was empty. there’s a lump in your throat. he still clearly thought of you as a child. someone that needed to be told what to do.

steve doesn’t make eye contact with you for the rest of the night. carefully averting his eyes when you’d try desperately to garner his attention. you don’t even notice him slip out of the door, deserting your plans to go over when the party had ended.

it all felt terribly embarrassing. not that you’d even done anything wrong. it was his idea to go to the room. nothing had even happened, your sister still had no idea anything was even happening between you.

you call him when you’re eventually home and sure everyone else was asleep. sitting cross-legged on your bed, the phone pulled over and resting on your lap.

‘hello?’ he speaks groggily into the phone. you’re shocked he’d even answered.

‘oh hello, d’you remember me?’ you reply, still slightly tipsy and now sharing the anger he’d obviously felt earlier.

he sighs and you can hear him sit up, bedsheets rustling in the back, ‘i’m sorry.. it was just- that was too close.. i can’t lose my job, you know that.’

‘nothing even happened, steve! you’re not gonna lose your fucking job,’ you snap, gripping onto the plastic receiver.

‘i know.. i just have to be careful- we have to be careful,’ once again trying to spin it as if you’d been the one to drag him into the damned room.

‘we are,’ you swallow, vision blurred as the lump in your throat reappears, ‘i know you’re scared but you don’t have to take it out on me.’

he exhales, ‘okay, i’m sorry,’ sounding only slightly remorseful.

‘i wanna see you,’ you sniff, wiping your face with the sleeve of your shirt, ‘can i come over?’

‘it’s late,’ he notes, you can hear the sheets rustle again and the soft padding of his feet as he gets up.

‘that doesn’t answer my question,’ deepening your frown, picking at a loose thread on your shorts.

you can still hear him doing whatever the fuck he was doing in the background, ‘i’ll be there in fifteen.. round the back.’

your frown immediately disappears, ‘okay,’ putting the phone down and jumping from your bed, getting your stuff ready to go.

you’re there waiting for him around the back of your house, an empty dimly lit road. you practically ran to his car when his headlights turned the corner.

sliding into the seat, slightly damp from the rain that’d started, he looks over quickly before speeding off. not giving anyone the chance to spot you.

there’s a small silence before you speak up, ‘i’m sorry,’ apologising for seemingly nothing. it didn’t matter, really. as long as he wasn’t mad anymore.

his hand comes over, resting on your knee, ‘we just have to be careful.. i wasn’t really angry.’

‘i know,’ you nod, though you didn’t. he seemed angry enough. enough to outwardly upset you.

you swallow any feelings of dejection. he'd apologised after all. what was the issue?

steve had been awfully quiet. suddenly not requiring your services as often. being overly cautious about your relationship, calling every few days and only inviting you over when the kids were with nancy.

you’re not afraid to bring it up when you do eventually go over. he was faffing about with some paperwork, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose as you sit and watch.

‘why are you being so off with me?’ you speak up, curling your feet up underneath you.

‘hmm?’ he hums, barely lifting his head to acknowledge the fact you’d just spoken to him.

you huff, ‘you’re not even listening,’ crossing your arms over your chest.

‘i am,’ he slowly tears his eyes from the paper, looking over at you, ‘what’d you say?’

‘i said, why are you being weird with me?’

‘what?’ shaking his head, looking back at the numbers on the sheet.

you want to scream. tear the piece of paper into tiny shreds and sprinkle them across the living room.

‘you don’t call me, you don’t want to see me.. i don’t understand what i’ve done,’ you frown, shifting your position to face him fully.

he sighs, long and exaggerated, ‘that’s not true, nancy’s had the kids more.. i just haven’t needed you here as much,’ shrugging you off.

‘oh, so now i’m only your babysitter? you only need me here to fuck, is that it?’

‘you’re twisting my words,’ he finally puts the paper down completely, taking his glasses off and placing them on top of the pile.

‘so what am i? your babysitter or your girlfriend? i’m getting confused,’ sarcastic as you were losing your temper. he was great at evading the question at hand.

he blinks, ‘i’m not gonna argue with you, if that’s what you’re looking for,’ rubbing his temples.

‘answer the question.’

he’d never explicitly called you his girlfriend. you’d just sort of assumed that your relationship had gone past secret hookups. what with all the time spent together, the long hours spent chatting and the occasional, far-too-expensive gifts he’d gotten you.

‘you’re my.. i don’t know, my girlfriend?’ he’s so nonchalant with it all. only pissing you off further.

it was blatantly obvious just why his previous marriage hadn’t worked out.

‘do you want that?’ you ask earnestly, narrowing your eyes at him.

‘well not when you’re like this.’

it must’ve been a skill of his, to make you feel so crazy. so guilty for just wanting some clarification on your relationship.

you’re left speechless, opening your mouth to reply but nothing coming out. you look down, trying not to let him see your tears.

‘you know how i feel about you,’ he sighs, caressing your cheek, running his thumb over the blushed skin.

you nod under his grasp, squeezing your eyes to stop them from leaking.

‘yeah? you gonna stop being silly?’ he says softly, moving in closer. your eyes meet his, watering as a rogue tear slips out and rolls onto his hand.

you felt like a petulant child. like you’d just been told off and needed to be comforted. except, you only wanted to be comforted by him. his touch being the only thing to settle you.

you’d do anything to keep that. even if it meant biting your tongue and being ignored a few times a week.

he smiles when you place your hand above his, leaning into his touch. accepting that to have this, you had to take whatever he would give you.

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve stranger things #steve harrington angst #steve harrington x y/n #stranger things x you #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington smut #older!steve #steve harrington au #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington one shot #stranger things smut

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ckret2 · 10 months ago

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Hi, found you through your Hazbin fic "You've Got A Face for Radio" and just. I've already left a comment on the ao3 about the fic in particular, but I also wanted reach out to another aro ace person, because while I do think I am on the ace spectrum, I am still kind of figuring things out. I've talked to a few people about not experiencing attraction, at least in the form most people do, and what they say almost always boils down to "you'll know it when you feel it" and "maybe you've felt it but repressed it subconsciously", which, I know they mean well but, it's not what I think is the case. I'm just. Kind of stuck on the enjoying NSFW stuff if it's fictional characters bit. What even classifies as sexual attraction anyway? Who defines it when it can vary from person to person?

Anyway, I hope I'm not being a bother, it's just that your fic gave me a lot to think. I'd have sent a dm since this might become a discussion (if you're willing) but I'm not sure what the Internet etiquette is here.

"You'll know it when you feel it" "maybe you've repressed it" lmaooo if that isn't THE MOST COMMON line questioning aces/aros get. Have you got "maybe you haven't met the right person" yet? There probably isn't an ace/aro in the world who's explored their identity without some (hopefully) well-meaning but oblivious allo saying one of those things.

When they DO mean well, it comes from a place of not being able to imagine being ace/aro; it seems more likely to most allos that the attraction is hiding rather than absent entirely. You can rest assured that anybody who says that is expressing something about their own understanding of sexuality, rather than anything about their understanding of your sexuality.

Honestly and sincerely, the "enjoying NSFW stuff if it's fictional characters" bit is what personally delayed me from identifying as ace for, like, a decade longer than it had to. "Well hey, I love thinking about sex if it's some kind of alien or robot, that doesn't seem very ace; so I must not be ace, maybe I just haven't yet met a normal real-life person who's interesting enough for me." But that kind of thinking comes from not understanding what being ace is!

Because the criteria for being ace is actually a lot lower than most people think. It's not "never thinks people are attractive," or "disgusted by sexual situations," or even "never wants to have sex." Those can be part of the experience of asexuality but they aren't necessary. (Some aces think people are attractive, just not sexually attractive! Some aces want to have sex, they just aren't sexually attracted to the people they're having it with, they're interested in the act rather than the partner! It's a spectrum!)

The litmus test I personally use for "sexual attraction," and that's worked for a lot of people I know, is this:

Have you ever looked at somebody, thought they were hot, and automatically thought to yourself that you'd LOVE to have sex with them if the opportunity ever arose? Maybe not even realistically wanted that to happen, but just felt that as a gut feeling? Just thought yeah, it'd be hot to sleep with them with the same instinctive immediate reaction that you might, say, see something delicious and think "ohhh that looks so good I wanna eat that" or see a really cool trailer and think "I SO wanna see that movie"?

That's sexual attraction. You, personally, automatically feel like you wanna have sex with somebody—possibly even a stranger!—possibly even if you know you wouldn't actually really choose to do it IRL for whatever reason—just because they're sexy.

If you haven't experienced that specific feeling before, you're almost definitely some flavor of ace.

(And even if you HAVE experienced that feeling before you might still be ace—possibly some flavor of gray-ace or demi-ace. Some people do experience that feeling, but so so very rarely that they feel like their overall experience of sexual attraction is more ace than allo. Some people experience that feeling but ONLY toward somebody they have a deep emotional connection to, whereas allos can experience that feeling toward strangers. Some people experience that feeling but if actually faced with the OPTION to have that sex they're turned off. All of these are ways to be ace. So the litmus test isn't the be-all end-all; but if that feeling has NEVER happened to you, that's probably ace.)

Based on this ask and on the comment you left me on Ao3, I'm guessing your form of engagement with sexuality is like what I wrote about in the fic: reading about characters having wild nasty sex is great, could read smut and/or smutty comics all day, maybe you fantasize about your blorbos screwing, maybe you've gotten off to these fantasies or to smut... but: all your fantasies are about somebody else having sex. Probably somebody else who isn't even real.

Are you ever in those fantasies? How do you feel about "character x reader" fics, does being y/n turn you on or does it squick you out to imagine [character] flirting with YOU? Do you ever think "wow I'D like to fuck [character]" or is it only "I wanna see [character] fuck (but I don't wanna be there myself)"? If "you" ever ARE in these fantasies, is it actually YOU, REALLY YOU, or are you just imagining the fantasy from the perspective of another character who isn't you? Do you ever have a sexual interest in the actors/voice actors, or does your sexual interest in them vanish when you aren't viewing them as their (fictional) character?

I can't tell you whether you're ace; but I can tell you that "I'm ONLY interested in FICTIONAL characters doing EACH OTHER, and I would lose interest if they were real people" is not a normal/common allosexual experience.

And if you're into micro labels, there are a couple under the asexual umbrella that describes that exact experience. The current term is aegosexual. (Older term autochorissexual; that was the current term when I learned it so I still tend to use it lmao.) It's for people whose primary experience of sexuality is fantasies that they themselves aren't part of. It's not mentioned on the page I've linked, but a LOT of aegosexuals have reported that they're specifically most into fantasies about cartoon/drawn characters and other fictional characters—the more "real" they are, the less appealing they are.

(And there's the related term "aegoromantic"—I'm focusing on sexuality here since that's mainly what the ask focused on, and also because historically I've seen less people struggle with "I don't want romance, I just enjoy reading love stories; I must be aro" compared to "I don't want sex, I just enjoy reading smut; I must be ace.")

Learning the term autochorissexual/aegosexual and why it made sense to fit under the ace umbrella is what got me over the hurdle of "oh, hey, I guess I am ace"—if you think it describes your experience, I hope it can help you too. If not, it at least shows just how varied the ace experience can be.

(I'm answering this publicly because I've seen SO MANY PEOPLE grappling with "I like FAKE sex; does that mean I can't be ace?"—many of whom have contacted me because of that fic, shocked to see someone else describe their own experiences and call it a flavor of ace—so I'm hoping this might help other questioning aces/aros! But you're also welcome to DM me!)

#thepanopticon is just azkaban #ask #asexuality #aromanticism #aegosexual #sexuality #about my writing

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radmalenia · 4 months ago

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if you love sucking up to a nazi so much why don't you book yourself a first class one way trip to hogwarts, i heard terfs get to ride free in the furnace because they're so full of hot air and sure love going off the rails with their trainwreck takes

Dear, you are literally delusional. You have no room to say a single word about people like me being "full of hot air". Lmao!

One, you're deluded about her being a Nazi (I'm assuming you mean JK Rowling here.) I don't know where the fuck you got this idea, but it is so bullshit you may as well also start believing the earth is flat.

Two, you're deluded that people are "sucking up to her" - when actually it's that people respect and love what she has to say and what she does, and therefore genuinely like her and support her.

Three, you're deluded about "terfs" being treated horribly in a world where Hogwarts existed.

~ "Terfs" are kind, strong, intelligent, normal women; who stand up for their rights and for all women, and who have ideological disagreements and criticisms of transgender beliefs. That's...not exactly an evil character. That's fairly neutral as far as people go; and it makes for a good character, in fact.

~ Also, Harry Potter characters are often known to have short patience for the sort of nonsensical bullshit that trans ideologists would tell them about gender identity... Judging off what we're told of them; most if not all would brush that shit off with a laugh. They'd look at you like you have two heads. And would therefore be rather sympathetic to women like us who are challenging your beliefs.

~ This would particularly be true once they learn about things like you putting males in women's prisons, bathrooms, locker rooms, sports, even lesbian dating apps...by letting them just claim to be women. The average person IRL doesn't support that shit here in the real world - why would they in this one?? Harry Potter is about humans, therefore human sexual dimorphism is also real there; and so the characters understand sex and women's needs for female only spaces - (I could even pull stuff out of the books to show that if I really wanted to spend extra time on this, but it's not needed.)

Four, you're deluded that the Hogwarts Express could ever "go off the rails" - it's a magical train and known for perfect punctuality!

Overall you desperately need to work on your insults. They're all over the place, full of holes and bullshit, show your ignorance; and basically are incredibly weak and lame.

Seriously, I could eat alphabet soup and then shit out something more coherent and more stinging than whatever the fuck that flop of an ask was. That ask was a trainwreck; my dear delusional anon. You failed miserably and made a fool of yourself, and you literally were projecting when you spoke of "trainwrecks". 😂 So, nice try. It didn't work. Try again perhaps, if you have the guts for it...

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rebouks · 8 months ago

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-- anon

I'm sorry, but what kind of accent does Ivan have? He's the only sim who speaks that way and now that he's more in focus, I can't help but wonder where he comes from! Also, while I'm at it, I've also noticed that you stay loyal to the Sim world ("speaking in Tartosan" "a Tartosan goddess", etc), and while it's obvious that Tartosa was based on Italy and Spain, do you imagine your characters being from real countries and with distinct cultural backgrounds?

hmmm idk that he really has an accent as such, it's more that he speaks more loosely/common than every one else. i don't really have voice claims or any real countries to pin these pixels to cos they're sims u kno, it'd probs get messy if i started tying things to irl and not others.. so nah, other than rough stuff like vaguely japanese for mt. komo or italy for tartosa i don't pin em to real places ig you could use my northern english accent as an example tho, like my mom is pretty well spoken but still northern right? so she pronounces her t's n shit but my accent is way more common and i drop all mine to a ridiculous extent (if i was to write butter or water the way i'd say it it's practically unreadable lol.. like bu'uer? bUHer?? idk lmao) so Ivan probs speaks like me tbh.. Tommy, Rhys and a couple others speak that way too and Oscar does when he's drunk

-- @zosa95

For Bryatt!

Disagreements: How often do they argue/disagree? ehhh probs not a lot, i can't imagine Wyatt engaging in pointless arguments, he'd just walk off lmao

Sex: Who moans the most? Brynn..

Family: Who changes the diapers? mostly Brynn

Family: Who gives their children ‘the talk’? idk ig with Ellis it'd be Wyatt but it'd be like "wrap it up n' pee" so i can see Brynn adding to that 😆 all Brynn if they have a girl tho

Affection: Who gives the most kisses? Brynn!

Sleeping: Who wakes up with bed hair? Wyatt.. u know Brynn has pictures of that shit

Home: Who does the groceries? Wyatt.. gotta make sure actual food is in the house u kno

Miscellaneous: Who kills the spiders around the house? no one.. lil spider did no one any harm 🕷

Miscellaneous: What do they tease each other about? hmm idk if they tease each other all that much tbh, they're playful but not at each other's expense u kno

-- @akitasimblr

hello becca! for salton, pleeeeeeease <33

Who is on top? Sid most the time lmaooo.. let's face it, Alton be lazy n' submissive

Ever had sex in public? a couple times

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? in between? mostly the latter

Where is the strangest place? probs a broom cupboard or smth at uni idk lmao 😆

thanks!!!

-- anon

I know you don't do WCIF but would you mind sharing the creators you like most for male sim clothes? I struggle to clothe my guys a lot and I noticed you have a huge cast of male sims, so I was wondering. My bad if this sort of ask is unwelcomed too tho

but.......... skjdskj idk darte77 and gorillax3 are prolly good places to start or u kno.. google

-- @akitasimblr

hello becca!!! one more extra i wish to know of: well, a couple now, rickey love and patrick harvey :) a) where are they living now? b) what do they do for a living? c) any chances of seeing them again in fib (or their daughter...??)? thank youuuu!

ohhhh idk.. i think the whole point of em, as sad as it may be, is that Oscar n them lost touch n they kinda fell off the face of the earth u kno? a price Oscar paid for his choices ig never say never tho! and we'll see 'em again when i eventually get round to doing a uni flashback for Oskie so yay! 🤸‍♀️

OC Deep Dive Questionnaire Tag

A set of 20 questions to get to know your OC! ty for the tag @dandylion240 @hannahssimblr @sirianasims & anyone else i forgot <33

ROBINNNNNNN 🧡

What uncommon/common fear do they have? that Oscar will disappear off into his confusing world of horribleness Robin doesn't fully understand yet ;-;

Do they have any pet peeves? not rlly.. pretty hard to piss the guy off

What are 3 items you can find in their bedroom? headphones - cameras - letters ^^

What do they notice first in a person? their thoughts 👀🧠

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance? idk.. 4/5? i imagine he's kinda used to feeling other ppls pain as well as his own but he's still a baby ;-;

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? FIGHT!

Do they come from a big family/are they a family person? yeeeeah.. he likes some quiet time now n then but he loves his family sm 🤗

What animal represents them best? fuck if i know.. a fly on the wall? lmao

What is a smell that they dislike? stinky younger sibling diapers

Have they broken any bones? not yet.. somehow

How would a stranger likely describe them? weird.. QUIET

Are they a night owl or a morning bird? night owl.. it's peaceful when everyone's asleep 💤

What is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love? cilantro/coriander - pastries

Do they have any hobbies? photography - pissing around in the sea/on his bike/in whatever he shouldn't - writing to Alex - SPYING ON PPL

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to surprises? u can't surprise the lil guy.. i dare u to try

Do they like to wear jewelry? yeah ig as much as a kid does.. string stuff, friendship bracelets or w/e

Do they have neat or messy handwriting? kinda messy.. maybe it'll be neater later

What are two emotions they feel the most? intrigue & overwhelmed

Do they have a favorite fabric? he said he doesn't care

What kind of accent do they have? ✨imaginary pixel land accent✨

and ty to anyone who's sent me any love trains recently <33333 ily all sm but i got overwhelmed the more i let pile up in my inbox so i deleted everything so i could breathe again 🙈

#ranswers #tag games n such #idk i'm tired #enjoi

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amethystina · 11 months ago

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Hi hi <3

I've been rewatching TDJ and rereading the fic (yes I'm on a marathon) and I was seriously wondering how I would feel about the The Trial Live Show (I think that's the name?? I forgot) if I was inside the drama universe. And I admit that despite wanting to believe that I would have a critical opinion about this whole situation, honestly with all the injustice in the world I would probably just be relieved that someone had a effective attitude and influence on everything that was happening.

What would it be your opinion if this all happened irl?

P.S (not related but I saw your other post about how some people have been pressuring – intentionally or not – for you to release the new chapter and complaining that is taking long. I just want to say that your only obligation is to take care of yourself and do what you want to do in your own time and limit. You've already given to us, readers, everything that you can and we appreciate all the effort and love that is put into your works. Thank you very very much.)

Hi! Now that's an interesting question! And it depends a lot on the context, I'd say.

Like, my view on the Live Court Show as the person I am right now is probably very different from how I'd view it if I'd actually grown up in that world. And the difference is a little too big for me to be able to account for all the nuances — and not only because I assume I'd have to change nationality, first of all? xD Which is a pretty big thing since the culture one grows up in can colour one's understanding of the world to a very big extent. My values and experiences would most likely be pretty different.

So while the me right now, in this world, can say that I would be VERY critical of the Live Court Show, I'm not sure I'd feel the same if I was actually IN that world. Me now am concerned not only about the popularity contest aspect that Lawyer Ko pointed out — which would only grow worse and worse the longer the show kept going. Like, people would form a bond with the people they saw the most — i.e. the judges — and not the people involved in the actual trials, who are literal strangers and not as interesting. Aside from the beauty and charm factor that Jin Joo mentions, most people would just end up siding with the familiar players they've formed a relationship with, regardless of the facts presented. If the judges were leaning in one direction, the majority of the public probably would as well.

I mean, just look at Judge Judy. Most people watch it for Judge Judy, not the people who come to her courtroom. They're side characters in her show, even if it's their lives that are being judged (literally).

And, adding to that, the general public aren't experts at law and don't really understand what a lot of the terms mean — or the repercussions of their choices. Their judgement is based almost solely on emotion. And there's a reason why jury members are sometimes excluded because they're seen as too partial, coloured by what the media have been saying or their own beliefs. It wouldn't be a fair and neutral trial. But here you have an entire population who have no such restrictions, nor do they have the time to fully study each piece of evidence or understand what is actually being said. They're asked to make a decision based solely on a couple of colourful PowerPoint presentations — within a couple of minutes, no less.

Like, I'm a librarian, yeah? (though I don't work at a library right now) And trust me when I say that the last thing we'd want is for the patrons to start putting the books back on the shelves on their own. They mean well, but sometimes there's stuff you have to do with the books before they can be reshelved, not to mention that most patrons don't actually understand the classification system. That's the librarian's job. So if the patrons were the ones to put the books back, a lot of them would end up in the wrong place and it'd be a complete mess within a couple of weeks. No one would find anything. And the librarians would now have to spend a significant amount of time reorganising and moving misplaced books, which is just terribly inefficient. Having patrons involved in the process actually makes it harder than if we'd just done it ourselves from the beginning.

And there's a danger of something similar happening with a court where the entire population can be on the jury. What if they make a mistake? Because they misjudged the situation? Or they couldn't be given all the evidence during the show's runtime? Also, while the drama never mentioned it, appeals are a thing. Do you really think that Ju Il Do didn't hire someone to start on his appeal as soon as he calmed down from the shock of the verdict in that first episode? Would the Live Court Show handle appeals, too? Or would that be dumped into the laps of other courts? And just how much weight would the people's judgement have in comparison to a regular court, which spends a lot more time scrutinising the evidence?

(I might be thinking too much about this, I know xD)

BUT, at the same time, it's easy for me — the person I am right now — to say that, because I'm privileged as fuck. I grew up poor, sure, (and perhaps have more accumulated trauma than average) but I'm comfortably middle class now. Adding to that, I'm white, living in Sweden, and am pretty comfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth. The worst forms of oppression I've faced are misogyny, some casual fatphobia, and the fear of homophobia (with me being married to another woman and all). But do note that I say "fear of homophobia," not actual homophobia. So, really, I'm not in a position to judge, ESPECIALLY not the ones living in the world they portray in The Devil Judge.

In fact, that's something I kept telling my wife as I explained the drama to her. My morals right now are not applicable to a world like that. I think the Live Court Show has a lot of flaws and Yo Han's actions shouldn't be condoned (cool motive — still murder) but if I had gone through the economic crisis they were experiencing? And the oppression they face every day? And probably wouldn't have been able to marry my wife since it seems to be a pretty conservative society?

I can't promise I wouldn't have been queueing up to join Yo Han xD

I DO think I'd still be hesitant to fully support the Live Court Show, though, and see the flaws I mentioned above (plus all the others I don't have time to get into right now) BUT my feeling of helplessness might just overpower that, had I grown up like Jin Joo or Ga On. That's not to say that I'd necessarily think it was okay (especially the outright illegal parts), but I could maybe look the other way, just because I was so frustrated.

So it's difficult to say for sure, but I'm fairly confident my stance would be different if I had grown up in a world like that. Right now, I have so much privilege that it's easy for me to take the high road and promote the morally upright solution, but if I had suffered through what they have? Not sure I would be as forgiving. And I think that's natural. There's only so much injustice we humans can endure before we start gathering up the pitchforks.

That said, I think it's still important to be aware of what is morally right and wrong. We might not always be able to follow what we know is the right path — that's human, especially when we are oppressed — just don't forget your way back.

So yeah. I hope that's a somewhat satisfying reply xD

And thank you so much for your kind words 💜 I know all that on an intellectual level, but it's not always easy to remember. Especially when I would genuinely love to be able to post more often and it frustrates me that I can't. I'm just as bummed out as you readers, believe me on that.

But, on that subject, I'm actually looking into decreasing my hours at work, at least temporarily, to hopefully make me less exhausted (which is another way I'm incredibly privileged — I can actually ASK for something like that (though I need a doctor's approval first)). So, maybe, I'll get some room to breathe and rest soon. Fingers crossed!

#Amethystina Replies #Anonymous #The Devil Judge #It's a very interesting discussion #And I think it's very nuanced #I honestly can't blame the people who want to fight back #Also #This reply almost derailed into a rant about The Killing Vote #But I realised that a) it wouldn't be entirely relevant #b) this reply would end up being at least twice as long if I did #and c) I'd be SO angry before I finished xD #I was rooting for you The Killing Vote #We were all rooting for you #But you fucked it up didn't you?#... I am also in a terrible mood in general #Today was shit

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roosterforme · 8 months ago

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I just want to say that I support Anna and her choices specifically bc they're ones that I wouldn't make. Like I'm always so worried about hurting other people that I rarely express myself or find myself paralyzed by decisions bc I'm too scared to make the wrong one. It's nice to see someone make mistakes and as the audience know that everything is going to be okay. This is a romance and they're the two leads, don't stress so much and relish in the fact that you don't have to be a perfect human to still deserve or earn the love of an incredible guy.

Also it seems like so much of her life up until now has been completely smothered in another man, so if she's distanced herself to feel safe, good for her, she deserves to make choices for herself! And if she caves to her desires and has sex with a man that offers her true affection and care when she's been so starved of it, good for her! She may be married, but like fleeing across the country is a good starting place for her to try and get a divorce and protections from her ex when she's ready, it seems like right now she's still terrified and also completely financially insecure and therefore unable to go through with all of that. I for one, don't feel like blaming a woman who it seems has been significantly abused and mistreated for not making the perfect and ideal decisions when she's only just barely removed herself from a horrible situation. I don't see how so many people are eager to shame Anna for not prioritizing a man in her decisions when she's finally been able to get (through difficulty and uncertainty and self-exile) a shred of agency for herself, a consequence of being able to make your own choices is making the wrong ones and I'm sure once more is explained to him, sweet Bob isn't going to begrudge her that freedom either.

Bob is a grown and fictional man, he will be okay. Does it suck that having sex with Anna didn't magically erase all of her problems and lead to a fairytale wedding immediately? Kind of, yeah, obviously everyone wants them to be happy and in love, but atp that's not realistic, it wouldn't be healthy for her to give up her reservations on a relationship just bc that's what he wants from her either. Besides, the best you can expect to get from dick is an orgasm or two, irl you have to put in work in order to change and grow, the kinds of things that make for the compelling story that we're getting here (for free)

Anyways the way that Emily is writing this is a different take on the female lead than most, her other responses have brought up the interesting point that people don't criticize male characters for doing similar things with less justification for it. Don't complain about there not being more variety in romances just turn around and complain when the variety isn't actually what you wanted. It feels really similar to the hate that I see other creators get for making an OC or reader that's curvy or POC, like fic is escapism, why are you trying to impose the narrow constraints of femininity from the real world onto someone that has the chance to be free of all that? I hope all of these commenters will be more forgiving of their own mistakes than they are with Anna's

Oops, that was a whole essay, anyways love your work, have a good weekend!

Nonny. Say it a little louder, please: you don't have to be a perfect human to still deserve or earn the love of an incredible guy.

God, this is like the best nonny ask ever.

Anna is finally making choices for herself after many years. The next few chapters will really visit her past and show what happened and why it's ongoing.

But I don't even need to add anything else, because you covered so much of how I feel. Thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to send this to me. I hope I'm not the only one who got something out of it.

#if you ask emily #read her like a book

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vagabond-umlaut · 1 year ago

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STARS.

GLOWING BALLS OF BURNING GASES, LIGHTING THE DARK OF THE NIGHT SKY. PEOPLE OF TALENT, FAMOUS AND MUCH LOVED BY THE GENERAL POPULACE. FORCES OF FATE, INFLUENCING & DETERMINING THE LIVES OF US, MORTALS.

ONE SMALL WORD YET SO COMPLICATED IN ITS MEANINGS, IS IT NOT?

YES, INDEED IT IS— THOUGH, CERTAINLY NOT AS MUCH AS THE STORY OF ONE KING OF CURSES & HIS WIFE— WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SUKUNA & MS. KORE?

*The camera focuses on one of the most well-known and beloved couples from the renowned TV show Jujutsu Kaisen. Despite being six years younger in age and over ten years younger in acting experience, the woman seems every gram the seasoned acting professional the man beside her is; although, a lot more cheerful and friendly than the latter. [The almost-absence of space between them doesn't go past the eye of anyone— nevertheless, the interviewer chooses not to comment on the same. For now, that is.] Kore greets the camera with a happy smile and a wave whilst Sukuna acknowledges the same with a minor twitch of his lips— the two of them then returning their focus to the interviewer.*

KORE: *chuckles* AH, NO, I DON'T THINK THEIR STORY IS AS COMPLICATED AS IT IS BEING MADE TO BE. IT IS A RATHER SIMPLE, SWEET AND SUCCINCT TALE OF LOVE, SET IN ANOTHER ERA. SUKUNA: *nodding* I AGREE. KORE'S & MY CHARACTERS SURE DO HAVE QUITE OPPOSING PERSONALITIES IN THE SHOW— ONE, WORSE THAN A DEMON AND THE OTHER, BETTER THAN AN ANGEL– BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE THE STORY COMPLEX OR DIFFICULT. THEY FALL IN LOVE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO AND WISH TO STAY TOGETHER FOREVER LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO– PERHAPS IN AN EVEN BETTER WAY BECAUSE OF THEIR OPPOSITE NATURES ATTRACTING EACH OTHER.

WOW, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE FIRST TIME MR. SUKUNA'S SPOKEN FOR SO LONG IN AN INTERVIEW, RIGHT? YOUR FANS, ME INCLUDED, ARE SHOCKED TO SAY THE LEAST. WOW...

KORE: *giggling at Sukuna, the latter looking away and coughing* SUKUNA TENDS TO BE VOCAL ABOUT THE THINGS HE IS PASSIONATE ABOUT— THIS CONCEPT OF OPPOSITES ATTRACTING IS JUST ONE SUCH THING.

OHH. I SEE. AND DID THAT SAME THEORY OF OPPOSITES ATTRACTING PLAY A ROLE IN DECIDING YOUR OUTFITS TONIGHT?

KORE: *stays silent for a while before answering* YOU CAN SAY THAT... BUT TO BE HONEST, IT'S MUCH DEEPER THAN THAT. *shares a small, almost secretive smile with Sukuna*

OOH! NOW, I'M INTRIGUED— EXACTLY HOW DEEP DID THOSE REASONS BEHIND TONIGHT'S OUTFITS RUN, MS. KORE?

KORE: *huffs a chuckle* NOT VERY DEEP, I PROMISE!— BUT I ASSUME YOU KNOW TONIGHT'S THEME IS STAR-CROSSED LOVERS, DON'T YOU? AS DECIDED BY THE STUNNING HOST OF THE GALA, AND MY DARLING FRIEND, MARA [@margumis]?

YES, OF COURSE!!

KORE: *smiles widely* TONIGHT'S OUTFITS WERE INFLUENCED BOTH BY THAT AND BY WHAT YOU MENTIONED EARLIER. IN MY GREEN DRESS AND GOLDEN ACCESSORIES, YOU COULD SAY I'M THE PRINCESS FROM OUR SHOW– ROYAL, ELEGANT & A SYMBOL OF JOYFUL ENERGY, AS THE COLOUR GREEN DEPICTS. SUKUNA: AND MY RED & BLACK TUX REFERS TO THE EVIL KING OF CURSES— THE POLAR OPPOSITE TO THIS SWEET LADY. *sends a very conspicuous wink to Kore*

THE VISION'S GETTING MUCH CLEARER NOW... BUT WHERE IS THE THEME OF THE STAR-CROSSED– YOU DID NOT JUST CALL THEM STAR-CROSSED LOVERS 'CAUSE OF THE MANY PROBLEMS THEY'RE FACING CURRENTLY, DID YOU? ARE THEY NOT GOING TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING? OH MY GOSH... IS THIS YOU BOTH POSSIBLY GIVING THE WORLD A SPOILER RIGHT NOW?

SUKUNA: *glancing at Kore with a smirk* AT THIS MOMENT, WE DO SEEM TO BE A BIT STAR-CROSSED, DON'T WE, MY QUEEN? *Kore nods, muffling her laughter with a palm*

WELP, DEAR VIEWERS— SEEMS LIKE THIS IS THE MOST WE CAN KNOW FROM OUR BELOVED ROYAL COUPLE— NOW, RETURNING TO THE IRL DUO– WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ASPECT OF THE OTHER'S OUTFIT?

KORE: NOTHING— EXCEPT THE FACT HE LOOKS A LEGIT FIVE-COURSE MEAL IN THAT SUIT, MAYBE? SUKUNA: *sighing deeply* I WISH GETO WAS YOUR MENTOR IN PLACE OF THAT GOJO– HE IS A TALENTED ACTOR BUT A PATHETIC TEACHER. MORESO IN THE FIELD OF ROMANCE. YOU CHOSE THE WORST PERSON EVER TO ASK FOR TIPS. KORE: *coos, moving to pinch Sukuna's cheeks* BUT THEY'RE WORKING ON YOU, AREN'T THEY? SEE, HOW PINK HIS CHEEKS HAVE TURNED! ALMOST AS MUCH AS HIS HAIR— HAHAHA–

IT PAINS ME TO INTERRUPT THIS CUTE MOMENT BETWEEN YOU TWO— BUT, SADLY I'VE HIGHER AUTHORITIES TO ANSWER IF I DON'T ASK YOU ALL THESE QUESTIONS ON THE SCRIPT—

KORE: *moves a bit away with a sheepish smile* UM, SORRY!! PLEASE ASK. SUKUNA: *rights his clothes, then smiles politely* YES, PLEASE CONTINUE.

THANK YOU!! SO, MS. KORE, CONSIDERING THIS IS YOUR DEBUT GALA, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS?

KORE: I'M TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF THE BLR GALA '23!! INCREDIBLY NOVEL. INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL. MARA, MY SWEETEST ANGEL, I'M SIMPLY IN AWE OF YOUR MARVELLOUS BRAIN, GIRL! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PLANNING THIS!!! AND I LOVE YOU!!!

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. SUKUNA? THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME ATTENDING THESE EVENTS WITH SOMEONE BESIDE YOU, ISN'T IT? WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

SUKUNA: *shares a brief yet visibly soft look with Kore, before looking ahead* I'M VERY HAPPY, HAVING KORE BY MY SIDE. BESIDES BEING A WONDERFUL CO-STAR, SHE IS ALSO AN AMA—

*A loud yell of Sukuna's name interrupts him. The camera moves from them, to Gojo Satoru and Geto Suguru in the distance, the white-haired man jumping up and down with an exuberant beam while his black-haired companion waves his hand. Kore and Sukuna look at each other once, the former with a bright grin & the latter with a sigh, before looking at the interviewer.*

SUKUNA: *smiling apologetically* I'M SORRY BUT IF THEY'RE HERE, THE REST OF THE GANG TOO WILL BE HERE PRETTY SOON— KORE: WE'RE SORRY BUT I THINK WE OUGHT TO CUT THE INTERVIEW A LITTLE SHORT NOW. *offers a contrite smile*

OH, PLEASE DON'T BE SORRY!! I GET IT. WE ALL GET IT. THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. SUKUNA & MS. KORE, FOR ATTENDING THIS INTERVIEW. I, ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE ELSE, WISH YOU AND YOUR SHOW A STELLAR FUTURE AHEAD! WE ARE CERTAIN JUJUTSU KAISEN WILL BE AN IMMENSE SUCCESS!!! THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN!!

KORE: *bows* THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SWEET WISHES! WE'LL BE SURE TO NEVER DISAPPOINT YOU ALL. SUKUNA: *bows* THANK YOU ALL.

*With a happy goodbye and another whispered apology from Kore, and a small smile from Sukuna, both of them walk in the direction of their co-stars and friends– where, sure enough, many more well-known faces can be viewed. The camera returns to the inerviewer after a moment.*

WISH WE HAD MORE TIME TO ASK THEM MORE QUESTIONS, DEAR VIEWERS— BUT ONE THING REMAINS UNQUESTIONED. MR. SUKUNA & MS. KORE HAVE AN IMMENSE POTENTIAL TO BE ONE OF THE LOVELIEST COUPLES IN THE– HUH??

*The camera shifts from the astonished face of the interviewer, to where Sukuna and Kore are walking. Hand-in-hand. The camera lingers there for a moment before going back to the interviewer. The latter blinks at the camera– with a mildly disbelieving yet an excited smile, nonetheless.*

THE SHIP IS VERY CLOSE TO SAILING— OR HAS IT ALREADY SAILED, FOLKS?

#BLR Gala '23 #sukuna 💞 kit #<The Countless Chronicles Of Kore>#kit interacts 👋#kit saves stuff ✅

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qrjung · 1 year ago

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*this isn't organized.

I think it's sad how little opportunity Josh and Simon were given to develop. Like, at all. Even their dialogues sounds terrible, almost like they're speaking for the game instead of as actual human beings. [Edit: Ha, this is so funny I'm keeping it in. "As actual human beings" bruh]

A scene on the Capitol park chapter is the clearest example of this. If he's still alive, Simon says (ha!); "Our broadcast is all over the news. Now the humans know what we want. We have to think about public opinion." Or something similar. At first it sounds like normal conversation, right?

Until you realize he's talking to Josh and North who all have the same amount of information as him so they already know what he's saying is true. And Markus isn't there so he can't be speaking to him. Which means he's talking directly to the player, literally spelling out everything for us and it makes me 😭😭😭 is that what people sound like irl? Like mouthpieces?

He's literally telling us "public opinion is really important in this game, just so you know. Think about all those blue arrows you're going to get *wink wink*" to remind the player to go pacifist.

For all the terrible ways David Cage handles North's character, in contrast to the other two Jericho leaders, she looks so fucking well written lmao. Most of what comes out of Josh's mouth when he's talking about the revolution doesn't sound like it's personalized. He's just spewing words to push the player in the direction the game/David Cage wants. Where's the personality? Where's the fucking motive behind his words???

Anyways, I could talk on and one about how unfair that shit is but that would be too depressing.

JOSH

I've talked about Josh here and there but never this indepth

From what we see of Josh, he's pretty opinionated. Just like North, he has his own set of beliefs and he's willing to die for them. Unlike North though, we never know why. And sure, he doesn't have to spell out all his motivations but it would have been nice if we'd known why he so strongly believes freedom can be won with dialogue. Especially in a world that is determined to prove him wrong.

Because ignore how happy the pacifist ending looks, there's androids still being executed while Markus is giving his hopeful speech. And the ending tag literally says "androids won their freedom. For now." What kind of ominous sentence is that?

Anyway, Josh reminds me of Rose; pacifism that exists not because the person is naive but they've choosen peace while being surrounded by violence. In DBH, choosen violence is easier and it pays off more. So while that doesn't necessarily make it the wrong option, it does make the people who go against it stand out.

But also, his stance could come from a place of fear. There's also that to consider. Maybe he's scared of what the humans will do if the revolution kicks off and he'll prefer they stay silent. Because that's his reasoning against the Stratford Mission

He's the one that expresses hesitance the most to the other missions Markus assigns. North is usually the first to agree with Simon agreeing too. But then in Freedom March, Josh is all for the March but Simon (later on) and North are hesitant. It makes me think Josh prefers taking risks when he's sure it'll actually pay off. Because like he says, that mall and the surrounding areas will go down in history. No matter the outcomes.

We also don't know anything about his past except that he was a university lecturer and hot attacked by his students. It's a shame this information doesn't come from Josh himself but from the character gallery. I wonder how long he's been teaching for?

His relationship with Markus is also very impersonal. He doesn't seem to like him much no matter which route you take but will somewhat tolerate him if he's pacifist. I think they're differences are beyond what Markus chooses for the revolution. He also doesn't like North much and Markus and North have a few things in common; they're action oriented, have a tendency to take risks with unknown chances of it paying off and Josh might not like that the risks they're taking could mean the end of android life if it fails.

He starts to warm up to him in night of the soul though but Markus has to save him first.

This adds to my theory that Josh chooses peace because he's cautious. He doesn't like the risky decisions Markus makes because he's scared of the consequences.

SIMON

I think Simon falls somewhere in the middle of the Violence - Pacifist scale. I wouldn't say neutrality (it's not the word I'm looking for🤔) but being able to go both ways should the need arise. Some people in the fandom frame him as a coward and I think that proves to be incorrect when you start thinking about it.

He's usually not vocally opposed to any options the player chooses and will be supportive. If you choose violence, he's ready to fight but if you choose pacifism he's also ready to march. But, he chooses to back down in some moments: high risk moments with opportunity to retreat.

It's almost like he's willing to take risks but when there isn't much on the line.

He agrees to missions when it just his life and the lives of the other three at stake but when something greater is on the line, he backs down. For instance, he'll agree to the spare parts mission, but will express hesitance after the bags of thirium have been gathered. His reasoning is because he doesn't want to lose the spare parts they've gotten and the mission be for nothing.

"We can’t bring them back with us. It��s too dangerous!"

"This is suicide, Markus. Our bags are full. We got what we came for, let's go before they catch us."

Hmm.

And in the freedom march chapter, he agrees at first. Not strongly though. He simply suggests if Markus wants to go through with the March, he should convert more androids to increase his chances of success. He disagrees later on; after he realizes that things might not go well and with the hundreds of androids gathered, that means more casualties.

"And dying here won’t solve anything. Markus, we need to go, now, before it’s too late."

It's insanely difficult to get a read on the guy though: he's really non vocal. He hovers in the background during conversations, only getting involved when it looks like conversations are getting heated. Does that make him the glue of the team?

He's also been in Jericho the longest of the four. Unlike Josh we never even know what he operated as before deviancy but I guess it's easy to see that he was most likely taking care of a child. If he's also been there for a while, did he have some form of "power" in Jericho? I like to think so.

But North also seems important too but she hasn't been in Jericho for very long so I can't say I see her as the pre revolution leader. She gets her opportunity to shine when Markus arrives and she's suited for more action oriented leadership. She seemed eager to get out and do stuff; if she was Jericho's leader before the game starts, it would show.

I wonder if Simon had a similar experience with Daniel though. But instead of acting on his feelings of betrayal, he choose to run away instead.

That's about as much as I can think of for Josh and Simon while still remaining within canon. Outside canon though, it opens a world of possibilities. I suppose it's no secret that I'm not a big fan of Simon's fanon characterization (especially in relation to Markus and how their relationship tends to take on tones of racial prejudice) so I won't be talking about that.

But Josh though, I can talk about him——he's an almost blank slate in the fandom since people tend to forget him.

#i know Markus doesn't talk much #most of his earlier chapters are like 2-5 lines each #but Simon is ridiculous #it was actually funny #how little he said. how am I supposed to pick your brain apart if you won't say something #i don't like using body language because that can easily be misinterpreted #especially if you're terrible with body language like me #but he makes it worse by just not saying much #detroit become human #dbh josh #dbh simon #type: text

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assortedvillainvault · 11 months ago

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It's a bit of a random question, but I'm simply curious, how did you start falling in love with the Horned King/what's your origin story with him? Only if you want to share it of course^^ Feel free to also just generally gush or ramble about him!

(also btw I think it's awesome that we share him as an f/o now, I think subconsciously I already knew for a while that I'd fall for him eventually, it was just a matter of time he's just too gorgeous💕)

Ok this ask has given me the warm fuzzies for several weeks so thank you and I guess I should probably answer this now huh -

(also every time someone else pops up who f/o's him I'm Absolutely Delighted and am so glad I helped facilitate your decent into lich simpery)

I'll do IRL and self insert shenanigans, so IRL first:

- the first time I watched the black cauldron I'd be ...about 8 or 9?

- one thing you sincerely must understand about me is that I am, unapologetically, unequivocally, unexpectedly....a weenie.

- much as I adore the spooky and the strange, any film that veers into remotely scary territory, or horror in general, that shit scars me down to the cellular level.

- Power to everyone who can disengage/absorb that stuff healthily because I sure as fuck don't and doubt I ever will. Anyway.

- mum buys me the black cauldron and thinks nothing of it. It's Disney, right?

- anyway yeah uh suffice to say boy golly gee I'd never seen *that* many skeletons animated before. Think my little brother started crying at some point.

- but honestly, something about the films mad dichotomy of attempted cutesy fantasy with grim dark backdrop and off kilter humour enamoured me. And I found myself wanting *more* of the dark parts of the film.

- (still early the full cauldron born scenes were cut. So goddamn salty)

- the Horned King became a lynchpin of fascination, something about his eerie voice, his apathetic yet menacing mannerisms and his degraded appearance really drew me in. Esp his summoning and death scenes.

- I think I started drawing skeletons soon after and they're still the easiest thing for me to draw.

- over decade later when I was depressed as all fuck, I rewatched the film and found myself only really enjoying his scenes, in part because he was the only relatable villain to me at the time. (Eternally tired, quietly dramatic, quick to anger and dismissal. A smorgasbord of things to distract myself from feeling like I was actively decomposing too at the time. Brains are wild.)

- now I like to imagine quietly helping him get to a better place same as I've managed to do :) who needs therapy when you have imaginary lich time.

As for self insert funky times:

- rather than imagining myself in the dark ages, mostly because despite living in the UK my knowledge of that time period is just awful, I imagine a modern setting

- crucially tho the events of the film still happened exactly as shown.

- in this setting my s/I has moved to Wales and accidentally rediscovered the -broken- cauldron, and the remains of the castle. Time itself rusted the old thing and it cracked, letting HK's disheveled soul slip free.

- my S/I is an amateur ecologist, with interest in geology and paleontology and history. (So just me. Straight up me. I can't even pretend here) Once she figures out she's effectively haunted, HK's presence is akin to a field day.

- will she attempt to resurrect him properly? Eh who knows. Maybe. I'm a real fucking sucker for ghosts, esp partial possession or soul bonds.

- magic exists still in this setting, it's just mostly forgotten and thus dismissed. Of course my s/I has latent magic because of course, and I love the idea of HK teaching her as a pseudo bonding activity.

- love just watching HK be bamboozled and overwhelmed by the modern world too. Show this lich a toaster someone-

- very low stakes very chill, just two lonely fools trying to rebuild their 'lives' together. Probably the most weirdly cottage core of my selfships if I'm honest. With more dead things.

So yeah that's pretty much it! Thanks again for the lovely ask, and feel free to tag me in anything lich related 🥰

#thalassa responds #disney villains #the horned king #selfshipping shenanigans #not my first f/o but probably my most consistent!

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shootout-at-university-fair · 7 months ago

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Four Years' Worth of Ramblings (and Pondering Life at Twenty)

It’s been about four years since I was even remotely active on here, even longer since I’ve made original content on this website. Well, in those four years since I’ve last used this blog, it’s safe to say I’ve officially grown up. I think I made this account when I was about 13. At that time, turning 20 genuinely felt like it would never come. As time tends to do, of course, it progressed - so here we are.

Given that I live in a country that would rather focus on banning social media apps and protecting genocidal governments that line their own pockets instead of, you know, helping its own citizens like a government is supposed to do, and one that is certainly fucked no matter who we end up electing this year, it just felt right to return to the website that radicalized me in the first place (especially when really the only other option is… *shudders* twitter).

I must say, it simultaneously feels weird and comforting to come back. As I enter my senior year of college (has it really been that long?), I’ve begun to look back at what has shaped me into the woman I am today. I know this website certainly had a hand. As I previously stated, this website truly formed my moral compass, at an age that I desperately needed something to. To those who have followed me in the past, and might still be lurking here today, I genuinely thank you for making me the woman I am today.

Now… what exactly has happened in these last few years? Well, a lot. These last four years have simultaneously been the best and worst years of my life so far (and seriously, from how my 2024 has mostly been going, fuck 2024). Let’s start with the negative and end with some positive things, shall we?

I've certainly had my share of shit thrown at me over the last few years, from having to file not one, but two Title IX complaints at my college within three years and going through my fair share of manipulative and abusive relationships (both platonic and romantic), to having - and overcoming an eating disorder. Somehow, I've survived (albeit with some added mental health medications and diagnoses - I expected most of them, but definitely not the borderline diagnosis).

It hasn't been all bad, though. Actually, some of these last few years have been really great. I finally have some real friends IRL (they're a bunch of losers - one is @hunter-blossom-5 if you want to see what the vibe is like, but they're my losers and I wouldn't trade them for the world), and I've fallen in love. Well, I mean, I've fallen in love several times over these last few years, but for once, I've fallen in love and know it's the right type of love: the love where even if the world is ending, it doesn't feel like that because you know that they will be beside you the entire time, and even more after? Yeah, I'm talking about that love. I know he has an account on here, but he's never told me what his username is. I hope that if he's reading it, he knows who I'm talking about - I love you, babe; always have, and always will.

I'm not sure exactly why I stopped posting, but I just did. I actively tried to distance myself from my days on here IRL. If you told me even two months ago that not only would I be revisiting so many of my old interests from my teenage years in my twenties, and being so open about my love for them, I would have thought you were insane. Something in the last few months in my brain just itched and longed for who I once was, the version of me I was when I was on here the most. Throughout a lot of these four years, I was incredibly rude towards the younger me present on this account, trying to bury her deep down to fit in more. I think I've been too harsh on her in my past, and just wish that I could go back in time, take back all the negative shit I've said about her, and just give her the largest hug - she definitely needed that more than the criticism I leveled instead. Well, time travel doesn't exist, and Back to The Future has taught me to never have yourself at two different ages meet. I think coming back here, showing her that as you get older you can still be you, is the best I can do for her in our universe.

Most of you have known me simply as mutantjediavenger on this platform. Some of you have known me as Ella, but for all who comes across this blog today, you can just call me El. You've earned it.

#life update #revisiting the past #mutantjediavenger #mental health #tw: ed mention #borderline personality disorder

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kickasssloth666 · 4 months ago

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I'm looking for some long term friendships :) not sure if anyone is gonna read this but might as well give it a try!

I'm not sure how to start describing myself, I'm not great with words but I'll try my best.

(I'm so sorry for the extremely long post ahead!)

I think some of my most defining characteristics are that I'm very shy, awkward, "weird" and "different" or at the very least I feel weird, different and often misunderstood.

I'm unfortunately not very smart, I'd say I'm down right stupid lol

I am very ignorant about many things in life, I'd say I'm somewhat innocent and naive. I still don't understand my purpose in life and I haven't found a reason to be alive either.

I sometimes say things that offend people or I say things that are wrong. Sometimes I don't completely understand what I do wrong but I don't do it on purpose and I try to improve to the best of my abilities.

I don't go out often at all. Whenever I do go out it's only to buy groceries and such but I don't enjoy it, I much rather be at home, in my room most specifically, which is my favorite place in the world.

I don't have any IRL friends but I do have a handful of online friends, I'm not particularly close to any of them tho.

I enjoy many things like sculpting for instance! I do digital sculpting for fun. I'm pretty bad at it but I try my best. There are many things I'd like to create and I hope to make those things a reality in the near future!

I like to watch anime! my favorites change from time to time but I really like Jujutsu Kaisen, My Hero Academia, Dragon Ball, Demon Slayer, Ancient Magus Bride (I really love this show!) among many others!

I like to collect action figures, I really like masks, I love movies and I love talk about them and analyze them, I like all kinds of music, I don't really have any artists that I like in particular other than David Bowie and I'm always happy and open to new suggestions!

I like to scroll through TikTok and to watch long essay style videos on YouTube about random topics, I love video games!! I don't play too many modern games, I mostly prefer older stuff, like, ps2 era games, particularly survival horror stuff. I also really like very old platform games and side scrollers but I'd be open to play anything and I'd love to try co op games since I never played anything online with anyone and it looks super fun and I'd love to try it!! playing Stardew Valley with a friend is a dream of mine lol

I adore animals!! I have cats and dogs and a chicken and they're my babies and my world!

I think it's important to mention some of the things I don't like too. I don't like cruelty or mean spirited people, I hate big companies, billionaires, politicians and other people in positions of power that use their money and power to affect people, animals, or the environment for their own gain. I don't like injustices, I hate racists, homophobic people, transphobic people, sexists, and all kinds of discrimination in general. I hate bugs!! I'm deadly afraid of them 😖 I really dislike conflict and arguments, I believe we can disagree and have discussions as long as we're calm and civilized about it and as long as we have respect for each other and try our best to understand the other person's point of view.

lastly I'd like to mention some of my defects and shortcomings.

I'm extremely anxious, I'm always very nervous about one thing or another, I'm also extremely weak of mind, I tend to react with my feelings a lot and I'm often very emotional. I can be very selfish at times, I have an awful tendency to get bored of things quickly and sometimes I also get bored of conversations and people. I think I'm immature. I can be extremely lazy, I struggle a lot with doing basic things like cleaning or cooking. when I'm anxious or afraid I can get paralyzed with fear and stay in bed all day doing nothing feeling awful about it. As I mentioned before sometimes I can say bad things without realizing. I'm very dumb and ignorant so I promise I don't mean anything bad I say and I'm trying to improve! I am extremely annoying. I'm very loud and I think I scream a lot. I don't really understand what constitutes screaming exactly but I think I often raise my voice a lot and especially when I'm excited I can't control myself very well. I'm very afraid of life and I don't understand how the "real world" works exactly. I'm really bad at small talk and I think I'm really bad at speaking in general. i digress a lot. I have the bad habit of not replying too fast, sometimes I'll even wait for weeks or even months, I think it's one of my biggest problems when it comes to keep in touch with people, sometimes it's simply because I don't have the energy, other times it's because I'm not sure about how to continue a conversation. Not sure if this is a defect necessarily but I also never send the first message, I just hate to be annoying. I'm full of defects in general, and I do believe I'm a bad person. I try to improve and I try my best but if I'm bad for you in any way or a burden I promise to stop talking to you and not bother you!

I have many other defects but I think those are the main ones I can remember at the moment.

Finally what I'm looking for is a real connection with someone, a person I can talk to, have fun with, watch stuff with and play games together and such! just be able to share our days and even be able to help each other and be there when we need each other. I know I'm a mess of a human being and I may never find the connection I'm looking for but I'd like to give it a try cause you never know :)

one actual last thing I'd like to say is that at the moment I'm going through the hardest time in my life and that my craving for friendship may be the result of me not wanting to be alone during this time and I may be trying to use people as distraction for what's happening but lately I really been craving the company of a real friend.

I have Instagram, discord and twitter as social media if it's more comfortable to talk there. I also think I prefer audio messages, it's easier for me to send audio notes rather than to type cause I type a lot 😅 thank you very much to anyone that has taken the time to read my extremely long post and considers messaging me!!

#looking for friends

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rainbowsky · 2 years ago

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so today my mom was over at my place and my desktop background is a picture of xiao zhan from his winter solstice shoot, and when she saw it she asked who the hottie was and i had to restrain myself bc it was not the time place or the right person to info dump to! luckily or maybe unfortunately as an autistic person "conceal don't reveal" is a thing at which i excel alkjhslkdjf

but that got me wondering if i could perhaps ask for your perspective and experience with this, since i know you are also autistic. i find it very difficult to determine how much of my hyperfixations and special interests are safe to reveal to others and i've had some not so great reactions before so now i tend to keep up the mask and hold it all in, even with people close to me. as a result i know i probably come across as a very boring and negative person who is never interested in anything. i don't think i'm like that, but honestly i'm not sure anymore. i've pretended for so long i don't really know who i am.

do you share a lot with the people around you about your special interests? how do you know when where and to whom it's safe? does it all come down to surrounding yourself with good and understanding people that you're comfortable around and that accept you completely? writing it out now it looks so simple, like yes of course that's what i'm supposed to do! but how?? i don't know how to read people and on the occasions i have decided to trust someone and it turned out to be a huge mistake it feels really bad to be proven wrong, and being wrong lowers the chances that i'll open up again.

i can't help but fear that i will never be able to truly be myself around other people. in online spaces it's possible to stay anonymous and it's easy to just block and ignore the assholes, but it seems much harder irl. do you perhaps have any tips? since we have some of the same interests and your blog exudes a calm and accepting energy i feel like you would be a good person to ask. i hope it doesn't put you out.

thanks so much and take care! 💜

Hi Anon! 💖

It's not your job to protect people from your personality. I'm sad whenever I see this being taught to people, it's so wrong.

There is an affirmation that's been making the rounds for years that is so true: "You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable."

A lot of neurodivergent people seem to carry the baggage of neurotypical people's disdain toward, impatience with and disrespect for the differences of others, and to that I say: BS. Their bigotry, ignorance and entitlement are not your problem.

A lot of the standards and expectations around how people 'should' be are a product of dominance culture (aka white supremacy culture). The belief that there is 'one right way' to be - and that the only way to be worthy and acceptable in society is to conform to that 'one right way' - is a core feature of dominance culture. That culture is one of the most destructive forces on the planet, and I urge everyone to root it out and dismantle it wherever they find it.

In fact there are many wonderful ways to be and live, and in a conformist world our choice to love ourselves, be ourselves and pursue self-actualization is a revolutionary act.

Of course we can and should work with others to build bridges across our differences and find ways to ensure that both people's needs get met in our relationships. But it's important that it is a two-way street, and not just a situation where we're doing all the adapting and accommodating and they're reaping all the benefits of being catered to*.

When that happens we end up having our value and self-esteem undermined while theirs is boosted, validated and affirmed. That only exacerbates the power imbalances and further erodes the relationship and our ability to build healthy, trusting connections.

*Contrary to popular belief, neurodivergent people spend their lives and a great deal of energy accommodating neurotypical people - not the other way around. The fairly recent, mostly tokenistic attempts to make spaces and cultures more 'ND-friendly' can't even hold a faint candle to the insane pretzels ND people have had to twist ourselves into for decades trying to 'fit in' and be accepted into a world which still caters almost exclusively to able-bodied, white, straight, cisgender, affluent, educated, neurotypical people.

So, to answer your question - be yourself, and in this way you will find your people.

Authenticity is the only way to build authentic relationships and connections.

If there are people in our lives who don't understand us and who treat our interests and our personalities as 'a problem', that's a problem that both sides need to address. We need to self-examine and make sure we are making space for the other person to express themselves, but they also need to do the same for us.

Balance is found by working together toward a common goal - a genuine connection between two people. Make sure that you both share that goal. Communicate your needs and ask them to share what their needs are as well.

Our needs matter.

Don't let them go unnoticed, unacknowledged and unmet. Not by you or anyone else.

We're all in fandom, we're all familiar with the concept of 'the confession'. This is actually an important concept in all relationships, not just romantic ones. Because in ALL relationships, being yourself is the ultimate act of love.

Just like a love confession, it requires vulnerability, trust and a desire to connect. When we reach out to someone to share some part of who we are inside, we are initiating a connection with that person and giving them the gift of our authentic self.

If they are unable or unwilling to accept that and meet us where we are, then they are probably not the right person for us to connect with, or else they aren't yet ready to connect.

That can be painful and can feel like a form of rejection, but I try to take those things as useful information, and treat my personality as a friend filter. Those who are put off by me aren't the right people for me to try to be close to. I want to surround myself with people who are able to be real with me and accept me and celebrate me for who I am (and vice versa).

Special interests are a big part of that, because they become so central in our lives. If we have people close to us who can't make space for us and our special interests in some way, then we will end up feeling lonely and invisible. That becomes even worse when we are shamed and ridiculed for our interests.

I go back to what I said before - our needs matter. If we work toward having truly reciprocal, equitable relationships where both people's needs are being met, we will be happier overall.

Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication is a great place to start on that project.

Trust is hard. I am naive and trusting to a fault, and I have to lean heavily at times on others who have my best interests in mind, or else I end up being bullied or taken advantage of.

If you're struggling with that, I urge you to find someone you can truly trust (preferably multiple people) - such as a close friend or family member who has proved to truly have your best interests at heart, or if you can't find that, a therapist who understands your needs and vulnerabilities and can be a support and a sounding board - and get their help and advice in situations you're uncertain about.

If you can't find a therapist and you have no close people you trust, there are many online communities and groups where you can find like-minded people to bounce these things off of.

Most importantly, always remember that everything we say, do and think can only ever be a reflection of ourselves, our values, and what's in our hearts and minds. It can never be about anyone else.

If people treat you badly it's not because you're bad, it's because they are.

(or rather, because they're unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited, in a dark place, self-focused to a fault, etc. etc. but that doesn't make as memorable a sound bite)

Don't let unexamined, unevolved, mean-spirited people, etc., etc. teach you to think or feel badly about yourself. Understand that hurtful criticism is about the other person and their expectations, values and attitudes, not about you.

Exercise healthy boundaries. Understand where the other person ends and where you begin, and refuse to take on things that aren't part of who you are. Ask yourself, "Do I truly agree with what this person is saying?"

Is what the other person claims true, fair, honest, and said in the spirit of compassion and connection, or was it said in a judgmental, self-absorbed (focusing on their needs at the exclusion of your own), punitive way? Are they trying to connect with you or are they trying to control or change you?

We can often have a tendency to hear criticism - particularly from those who we look up to or want to have a connection with - as truth being served to us by someone who sees something in us, when in most cases other people's criticism truly has nothing to do with us. It's about the other person and what they want.

This tendency to gobble up negative messages from others ties in with the nearly universal experience of imposter feelings - the idea that deep down inside we are unworthy, a fraud and an imposter, and it's only a matter of time before others will find us out and condemn us. This is another feature of dominance culture.

People are much more attuned to negative messages than to positive ones because of the deep, secret fear that we are bad. Which is so tragic, because the people who know us best and have our best interests in mind are the loving voices we tend to dismiss, while the mean-spirited messages from hurtful people are taken to heart.

But as I said before, their criticism has less to do with us and much, much more to do with who they are and what they want.

And what they want might not be right for us, so we should be cautious and considered in how we handle it. We need to unpack and examine it, and only take in what feels fair and helpful and can enrich our lives and lead to growth.

I know I say this a lot, but we should never let anyone else tell us who we are. We are the only experts on ourselves. If we are self-examined, honest and personally accountable, and if we are doing our best and acting in good faith, that is all anyone can ask of us.

So as I see it, you are dealing with two separate issues:

The internalized belief that you are 'too much' for neurotypical people to want to be around.

Issues around trust in relationships.

Recognizing these as two separate issues and reflecting on them as such might help a lot.

The first is an issue of self-acceptance. Only by looking at yourself as worthy and valuable and interesting can you go out into the world and take your place in relationships as an equal who has something appropriate to contribute rather than approaching it as though you are a burden.

Only by championing your own needs, traits and beautiful qualities as every bit as valid and important as the needs, traits and qualities of those around you will you find a balance and build relationships where you are appreciated and valued.

The second issue is something that takes time, but building trust means taking risks - there's no way around it.

Don't take other people's disappointing behavior personally. When we test the waters to see if someone is worthy of our trust and they show us they aren't - that's useful information about our incompatibilities with that person. It doesn't say anything about our selves, or about our worth as humans. All it tells us is that we are going to have to look elsewhere to find the right connection.

Long-winded and meandery, but I have a lot of thoughts on these topics because they're issues I've grappled with a lot in my life. I hope any of it is helpful, Anon. And I hope you find ways to be comfortable sharing more of yourself with others who can accept you and celebrate you for who you are.

I talked in more detail about conformity, acceptance and dealing with people who ridicule our interests/fandom here.

I talked more about dealing with issues around autism here.

EDIT: A couple of follow-up posts

About the limitations and barriers some people face with building in-person connections

Further tips and reading on self-esteem

#personal #autism is my botox #ask

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