#suicide m

[support]

Everything okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. For 24/7 peer support and other resources, message KokoBot on Tumblr.

If you are in the United States, please try:

National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or dial 988 or (en Español)

The Trevor Project (LGBT crisis intervention) or dial 1-866-488-7386

Trans Lifeline or dial 1-877-565-8860 (en Español)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

S.A.F.E. Alternatives for Stopping Self Abuse or 1–800-DONT-CUT (366–8288)

National Eating Disorders Association

If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find resources for your country.

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[librarycards]

[sarah] Cavar, RUNNING.

[plounce]

the thing is. ryne was not suicide ideating solely because thancred was a bad guardian to her. that was a mindset she had literally as long as she can remember, one that was beaten into her by ran'jit and vauthry telling her that she would be better off dead. thancred (due to his trauma + emotional constipation + daughter-based trolley problem) does not manage to heal this mindset in her by the time we meet them in 5.0 (to be frank this would be an uphill battle for most caretakers, even ones who don't have the significant enotional shortcomings thancred has), but what does allow her to stand up to ran'jit is the freedom thancred provided her. she isn't sure if she deserves to live, but she wants to live in the world that she has traveled in. she doesn't want to be put back in that cell. she doesn't know if she's perfect, if she's the "best" minfilia, but she wants to see the world and live as part of it, even if it's scary, even if she hates herself and thinks she's worthless. she wants to see the sky and the trees and to help the people she loves. certain parts of ryne's arc hit me really hard (as someone who was a suicide-ideating teenage girl, and is now... no longer a teenage girl) and this sort of... "incomplete" personal resolution works for me. she managed to scrape out the smallest handhold of wanting to live, but it's enough. it's enough to keep her from giving up on her life. the smallest handhold is enough to hold onto, always. that's the miracle. "to live is to suffer", to quote hydaelyn, but "wanting to see what tomorrow will bring," to quote gaia, is enough. the vast majority of people who attempt regret it, and are glad they failed/didn't go through. you don't need to be convinced your life has worth in order to keep living. this got off-track and a bit personal hahaha, but she's my daughtermelon and her story hits hard. im glad she's happy and thriving, and so is thancred (another person who hates themself and wants to die but refuses to do anything but survive), and so is ryne.

[bigboobyhalo]

biggest starhalo issue is sex for etoiles is PVP (badboyhalo avoids PVP with etoiles like the plague) and sex for badboyhalo is find the button (find the button makes etoiles want to kill himself)

[samble-moved]

i thought you guys were joking when you said the staff imply that people being "mean" in feedback is responsible for them being suicidal. are you serious. it was real. they left the comment up publicly??

[hearties-circus]

I do love the characterisation of hank as perhaps a bit of a cunt<3

[crimeronan]

mutual 1: post with blacklisted tag

mutual 2: post with blacklisted word

mutual 3: post with four blacklisted phrases that are so unrelated to each other you get curious and click (you regret it)

mutual 4: essay-length post written in indonesian

mutual 5: i know you guys all think of these wholly unrelated characters as siblings but i think they should fuck nasty

mutual 6: you're so right. they should have a threesome with the character that everyone pretends is their nuclear family mom

mutual 7: post with blacklisted tag

mutual 8: post that SHOULD have been blacklisted but it's a screenshot of a twitter thread with no alt text so your filtering didn't catch it

mutual 9: this time i really am going to kill myself

mutual 10: i just want to get dicked down again :/

mutual 11: if anyone so much as implies they want to dick me down i'm going to kill myself

mutual 12: post with blacklisted word

mutual 13: extremely long back-and-forth in english talking about the verb tenses in a language you do not speak

mutual 14: reblog of generic fandom art with an unhinged essay praising the artist in the tags

mutual 15: post that wasn't blacklisted but then it makes you immediately add several new terms to your blacklist

[lovesby]

december blue early (SBY, december 2023)

[Text, in all caps: I kill myself via inaction and then find myself awake on a Saturday morning while snow falls unthinkingly to melt on the pavement outside and I look at my sweaty and god-given palms and wonder what a strange and terrible blessing it is to be alive.]

[moodr1ng]

taking further weight/fatphobia/ed/general depression vents under readmore lol

cause like i cannot express how genuinely bad the fatphobia i have against myself is. like. when i picture myself in my head, in the future, i always imagine myself as skinny, bc ive lived my entire adult (and teen) life thinking of my body as a temporary impediment which ill eventually fix. early last year i thought i finally had and was so happy and then gained all the weight back. and idk what to do about it bc i have tried so so so hard to just 'accept being fat' and as i have said again i do not understand how that is possible in this society and i have never managed to get anywhere close to that and dont know how to.

and as a result of this i have considered like. every awful awful option out there for losing weight. like, i tried to get my doctor to prescribe me diet pills. i looked into ozempic and the only reason im NOT trying to illegally get some is that its for diabetic people and it harms them to take from the limited supply. i looked into various weight loss surgeries (be it bariatric surgery, which i cant get bc im not fat enough to qualify, or liposuccion but even if i could realistically afford it i hear it doesnt work in the long run). ive starved myself so much, tried so many diets, so many sports, never managed to stay on for long enough to maintain the results. no joke, i have considered developing a heroin or coke habit EXCLUSIVELY to lose weight, and the reason im not doing that is its too expensive. i complain about my adhd meds giving me food disgust but tbh every time it happens im also relieved bc it means i wont be able to eat for a few days. idk what to do anymore bc this is ruining my life and has been ruining my life for most of it.

i literally feel so worthless, ridiculous and unloveable specifically bc of my weight, and in particular the way its disposed on my body. i would be fine having fat arms, fat thighs, i would probably dig having a fat ass and chest and hips tbh! but i store all my fat on my belly and thats the one part i dont want to be fat, as well as my face and neck. this is such a massive block for me tbh. like, when i talk to new people i always feel like theyre looking down on me or find me pathetic because im fat (and bc im short which is my other major insecurity - i feel like being tall and fat is acceptable but not being short and fat). i dont take any compliments i get at face value bc i feel like everyone is just being nice by pretending like i could EVER be good looking. the only time ive ever felt attractive since i was a young teen was when i had lost the weight last year, and i couldnt maintain that bc it was so stringent.

sometimes when i think "i might be fat for the rest of my life and never manage to maintain being thin" i contemplate suicide over it. its like, the one thing about me i can never accept. i used to have so much internalized racism as a kid/young teen but i eventually got over that and came to appreciate my non-white features and even wish i had inherited more of my mothers looks (like her hair). i used to be so insecure about not being masculine enough but today im actually more into being kind of androgynous. i used to hate everything about myself and ive gotten much better about a lot of it. i dont hate my facial features or my hands or my legs or my arms anymore. i just hate my weight. and its the one thing i cant fucking get rid of.

and like, ive tried so hard to just.. look at other people ik with similar body types who i think are super attractive and think "if theyre attractive and they look like me, surely i could be too?" but it never works no matter what. and i mean, ik outside of like, societal fatphobia, a big part of it is my ed right. like obviously as long as i have an ed that is focused on wanting to lose weight im never gonna be able to accept being fat. but i cant get help for my ed bc there are no resources. and there are no medical professionals who will help me accept being fat bc theyre also fatphobic and they only want to help me lose weight, and they cant even manage to do that.

im just extremely tired of it all. every day i wish i was skinny. i can live w all the rest. i just need to be thin. i dont even need to be bone thin or whatever i just wanna be average. and its so fucking hard for so many reasons. i can almost never cook for myself bc of The Mental Shit. if i do cook for myself its rly hard to do anything complicated so its often not very balanced or healthy. and i rely so much on fast food, takeout and frozen meals bc of this inability to cook. and then theres the emotional shit - bc ever since i was little ive binged whenever i felt anything. bored? binge. angry? binge. sad? binge. happy? binge. theres no emotional state that doesnt wanna make me binge. and the only way i can stave it off is like.. either indulge in other vices (drugs alcohol etc) or just. dip into the restriction part of the ed and start starving myself again. and ofc once it becomes unbearable.. more binging. idk. idk. im at a loss. no one can help. and theres so many things piled on top of each other that make everything impossible.

im not even just talking about the weight - i mean everything in my life is like this carefully balanced tower of cards where each bad thing supports another bad thing supporting another bad thing until it builds into this massive self-sustaining network of dysfunction.

its like. i wake up in the morning (still tired from whatever the hell is wrong w my sleep, probably didnt sleep enough or too much, either way feeling bad). my room is a mess and theres fruit flies everywhere bc of the heat and i need to clean, but bc i woke up exhausted and feeling sick i have no energy to. i go get some water and theres a pile of dishes in the sink that are getting grosser and grosser but the idea of washing them is so daunting i cant bring myself to. i need to shower, but showering is such a hard task, and then if i shower i also need to brush my teeth and take care of my hair and thats so much energy. and if i do all that, well, i havent done the laundry in like 2 weeks so i have nothing clean to wear, so if im gonna shower i should do the laundry so i dont just get clean to put on dirty clothes right. and doing the laundry and hanging the stuff to dry is also such a hard task. and then if im clean and wearing clean clothes, am i just gonna get back in my dirty bed? i also need to change the bedsheets, and i hate doing that. and if im gonna change the sheets then i probably should fucking clean the bedroom, right. and i dont have the energy to do literally any of that. so im dirty, my room is dirty, my kitchen is dirty, i feel like shit, im tired, i havent eaten anything yet. maybe a decent meal would help. but a meal means cleaning some pot and pan to cook stuff in. and then it means cleaning it again after im done cooking, and also cleaning the dishes. and fucking hell i cant do that. so i think, maybe ill go to the convenience store and get a sandwich. but that means i need to get dressed and do my hair and i probably smell bed and i cant just go out like this and im SO TIRED. so i go to order takeout. and sure i could get something fresh and healthy like a poke bowl or something, but thatll cost me like 25 bucks, and i could just get a burger and fries for 10. so i get that. and i dont feel any better, because ive been eating carbs, sugar, and some shitty processed meat near-exclusively for the past several years. and im so tired and feel so awful and so guilty and so gross, so i just start smoking and drinking. maybe if im lucky ill do some art or whatever. and thats how my day goes and then ill go to sleep in my unchanged sheets unshowered laundry undone room dirty dishes piled up. have a bunch of nightmares wake up drenched in sweat etc. and do the same thing tomorrow.

and idk how to fix any of this bc its a cycle right. like where do i start? i feel like i cant do anything bc everything is SO heavy SO tiring SO daunting and im just so exhausted. i want to sleep for 10 years. i want to be happy again. but whenever im not happy i forget how it felt to be happy. so theres nothing to look forward to. and then i think about killing myself again. and thats just how it goes.

ig thats why im so so hopeful to actually get an at-home aid who can get me to do chores and get groceries and shit bc that might actually be the one thing that breaks the cycle, cause i definitely cant do it by myself.

[rockafirevevo]

has anyone noticed the world is getting so much smaller lately

[royalreef]

(( Working on updating my rules today (after having already cleaned the house), and trying to figure out how to phrase this change to them.

Namely, I want to start writing Miranda's self harm impulses and urges and even attempts a little more graphically, and talk a lot more about the trauma and what she's gone through in the way that they still intrude on her life and that she's still ending up traumatized through the Merkingdom again and again. I feel like it's dishonest, a bit, to not feature them, because understanding them and understanding Miranda's own feelings regarding them is key to knowing how to even move forward or what that might even look like to begin with.

Like, my point is that you can't have Miranda without the ugly parts. That's one of the themes that I'm working with here, and something that's very important to me. You can't have her without her trauma and abuse, and you can't have her without the atrocities that she commits and which she serves as a part of the Merkingdom's royals. You have to come to terms with both, and part of that is truly understanding and getting how nasty they are to begin with. I refuse to make them look cool, or fun, or enjoyable by any definition. If violence happens, my goal is to write it as deeply uncomfortable and horrific and possible, and the repercussions of that violence are always going to ripple out and grow larger and larger over time.

It feels wrong to me, to mention all of this and to have it feature so heavily, but not be willing to ever look it in the eye and see it for what it is, you know? Innuendo and fading-to-black just aren't cutting it here. There's a lack of understanding that these promote, and I'm not a huge fan of obscuring the very things that I am trying to get people to grasp.

[moob-knight]

was anyone going to tell me that sylvia plath killed herself through carbon monoxide poisoning from a gas oven? or was i just supposed to keep thinking she somehow baked herself to death for my whole life.

[librarycards]

What I am interested in doing is disrupting the binary between purity and impurity, both the one so explicit it at times felt satirical, to me, to write, and the more implicit one we uphold even in nominally radical communities. I’m not only talking about discourse on “respectability politics,” but also our collective unpreparedness to deal with Madness, crisis, harm, etc. in anti-carceral ways.  Part of being out there in the wilds, for Uncitizens, is not only to be “free from” the demands of the literal white-picket-fence imposed by RSCH governance. It is also freedom to hurt themselves and others. It is freedom to do things to their bodies that cause grievous damage and cannot be undone, with no adjudicating authority to determine who was and was not “in their right mind” when making that choice. They pursue more recognizable acts of “transition,” defamiliarized: hygiene can’t be guaranteed, they’re in the woods. (Plus, the category of hygiene, under RSCH doctrine, cannot apply here, anyway. Thought-transformation and material transformation work as one to disorient readers –– at least, I hope).  Basically: the presumption is that, as Uncitizens, they are always and already wrong-minded. But that leaves the question: how do we –– how do they, how do Reya and I, how to Reya and I and me and us –– navigate our love for each other when we all want to die, but when the government somehow wants us deader than our suicidal selves do? I don’t know, so I write.

Failure to Comply: A chat with Cavar

[saturnmortis]

I feel like people aren’t talking about this enough

[bigboobyhalo]

maxohalo enjoyer group suicide starts in five minutes

[samble-moved]

god is a fourteen year old girl who committed a quasi altruistic suicide for all of magical-girlkind. her (angel?) secretaries are another fourteen year old girl who's also a mermaid and an elementary schooler who's really into cheese, who is known for decapitating another girl. god's girlfriend became the devil after being trapped for over a decade in a timeloop, and she likes lizards and teeth.