#suicide is like my entire personality now amd i love/hate it

[dont-call-me-i-am-trynaa-die]

Reblog if you wanna die.

I wanna see how many of us, our society has destroyed.

[lilydiaone]

Spoiler for 139 AOT

I know a lot people say they like the ending but personally I‘m really dissatisfied with it. It felt rushed and there are few characters whos end I actually liked. I‘m not gonna send death threaths over it like some people (that‘s messed up), still I like to make some points and see what the fraction that loved it has to say about it. I‘m gonna write down the ending of the important characters and what exactly I thought about it

Levi: I honestly liked his ending the best because I‘m so suprised he surrived at all. No but I liked how he ended up staying with Falco and Gabi, especially since he protected the latter in the last few chapters. I feel like he finally can live his life in peace. Really liked as well when he saw the rest of the deceased Survey Corp.

Gabi and Falco: Their reunion was really cute and I liked that. I do think after all these Falco being able to fly as a titan was kinda a plot device but I can live with it. However I wish Falco would‘ve been shown some reaction over his brothers death which he more or less caused. All in all I felt like everyone just kinda forgot Colt? Yeah but all in all okay.

Jean and Connie: Jean and Connies end was alright as well (though why did they thank Eren? but to that latter more). I‘m glad they didn‘t die and personally didn‘t feel it was neccessary for them to die. I also liked when they saw Sasha however I feel like they should‘ve seen Marco as well? Marco is singlehandly the reason why Jean joined the corps in the first place and I was bummed not to see him. I also would‘ve liked to see Connies mother... I would‘ve loved to see a reunin between her and Connie.

Pieck: I don‘t have much to say beside the fact, I‘m glad she surrived.

Reiner: Reiner is in my opion the one I was most suprised to see alive. I was sure he was gonna die but I‘m okay with it. The scene with his mother was nice and all but Reiner wanted to be a hero all his life and I‘m sad we didn‘t get to see more of it now that he basically is one. I also like to point out that Reiner was shown to be depressed and downright suicidal,this part of his story I feel like we didn‘t get any satisfactory conclusion. And his mother, we didn‘t see much of her but she felt a little out of character to me when she said she was fine with him not being a titan anymore when she pushed him into it since he was a child. But maybe she changed her mind with the rambling. Can live with that.

Annie: Her ending was alright as well but I feel like I‘m the only one who thinks her father is a bad guy. It‘s nice that he wanted her to come home but are we gonna forget that he mercilessly pushed he when she was nothing more but a child. Seriously he treated her horribly. I would‘ve like a solution with that. But you know what that‘s okay.

Historia: Her ending simply didn‘t make any sense. Back when she talked to Eren about what he was planning she was not okay with it but now she is the leader of the Yaegerists?! She apparently married the farmer which was kinda leftfield for me. It also feels like her pregnancy literally had no relevance for the story AT ALL. Like I was sure her baby would get a titan or anything but it was basically just used to sideline her, though I feel like they could‘ve sidelined her simply because she was the queen. Her ending didn‘t make ANY sense.

What truly made the ending horrible to me was the ending of the main trio. Here‘s why.

Eren: Look personally I was not a fan of Erens villian arc because such an emotional character suddenly was emotionless. I felt like you could‘ve handled it better. I even theorized he‘s only doing it because the other future he saw is literally so horrible there really is now other way but to become the villian. Eren killed 80% of humanity. That‘t a lot. He did it so his friends would be heros. AndI mean his friends alone. The rest of Paradis is fucked because everyone blames them. The worst thing is despite this plan, Sasha and Hange more or less died because of Eren. It is also rally shortsighted. The Eldians on the island are kinda worse off and I feel likeit was horrible of Eren to do this. In my eyes he‘s not redeemed at all. He‘s still a villian and a really bad one at that. The worst thing however was when everyone started thanking Eren, like his sacrifice was so great??? Like it literally benefitted 10 people at most. Killing millions of people for this was excessive and didn‘t change anything what he did. They all said him killing everyone was awful and if they instead of fighting him decided to stay on paradies the same thing would‘ve happend. It was still the same situation. why were they thanking him??? And it was revealed that he killed his mother by leading Dina to them. I‘m confused to why Dina couldn‘t eat Bertholt because that would‘ve meant they had another titan with Royal blood. I generally only see advantages to this (seriously can someone explain this to me???)

Armin: Honestly I‘ve been dissatisfied with Armins arc for a long time now. Back when Levi decided to give the titan to Armin instead of Erwin, I was a hundred percent sure it was the right move. Now I think this wouldn‘t have happened if Erwin was still alive. Since the very beginning Armin was smart and his smartness was played of as such an important thing but in the end it didn‘t matter at all. The only time I remember him using his brain after he became a titan was when they attacked Marley and even then Hange said it was was an Erwin like plan, so Erwin could‘ve come upmwith this as well. I held hope till the end that Armin would come up with some grand plan. He didn‘t he just talked to people (is this fucking Naruto?!) and then their minds were changed. His inteligence was totally forgotten. At the end he became the hero because he took credit for what Mikasa did (to his defence Mikasa didn‘t want it anyway but still). His entire arc was an disappointment and I don‘t understand why he was made Commander despite not doing anything other than crying over Eren when Jean was right there.

Mikasa: Mikasa was done by far the dirtiest. Like I can‘t even believe this. Personally I never liked how Mikasa was potrayed as totally dependant on Eren but this... Damn. The entire time I hoped Mikasa would realise that her love for Eren was not healthy especially when she stopped wearing the scarf. That did not happen. Look I know many people like Eren/Mikasa so I will not say what I thought about Erens admission that he wanted to be the only one she ever loved. What pissed me of was how the story tying Ymir and Mikasa together made no sense at all. Ymir loved King Fritz besides anything he did to her which is a pretty awful message but okay that wasn‘t the things that made me mad. Mikasa was the one that could stop it because she was kind of in a similiar position. Her relationship with Erem was toxic (before Eren/Mikasa shippers come for me it was when he was the villian and threathened to kill everyone, you can‘t deny that) and by breaking free of it Ymir would break free as well. But Mikasa didn‘t break free. She killed Ymir but we see her years later still pinning for Eren and sitting by his grave and fucking talking to him. How did she free Ymir from King Fritzs binds??? I really hate the idea that she never gets over Eren because after all that she still depends so much on him. Honestly by far the worst character ending.

All in all: All in all nothing really changed, everyone still hates Paradis making me feel like the rumbling was pointless. And I know many people say it‘s realistic and I agree it‘s realistic but why did Eren have to do that??? For what? The Eldian vs everyone else dynamic is still thereand nothing is solved. It just feels like there are gonna be many more years of war amd everything Eren did was utterly pointless. So yeah I didn‘t like it. It was rushed and just felt off. Still let me know what you think.

[amayawolfe]

Ch. 4 - On Death's Doorstep

My Stories Masterlist  

Word Count: 4468

Summary: Hisoka finds himself back in familiar company from his past. Is this all real? Or is he dreaming? Perhaps even... dead? The only thing that quickly becomes clear is that the redhaired teen is most definitely not safe.

⚠️ Warnings: angst, blood, gore definition, mild violence, nightmares, mental trauma, mentions/suggestions of trauma, mental instability, panic attack, rot/decay, self harm, strangulation, near death experience, unintentional/accidental suicide, death rattle

Hisoka

   A warm, bright light slowly penetrated Hisoka's closed eyelids, steadily rousing his conscious mind. He could tell he was laying on something soft and was covered with some sort of blanket. Keeping his eyes closed, he attempted to shift his position to get more comfortable only to be greeted with a wave of intense pain. He winced and hissed through his teeth, he felt as though his entire body had been trampled by a herd of stampeding horses.

   Having been overcome with such a great amount of pain so quickly, his muscle tensed and cramped, making matters all the worse. He swallowed hard and felt his brow furrow as he tried to focus on making his muscles relax. It was a slow and exhausting process.

   The sound of someone walking on soft flooring close by caught his attention. Whomever it was shuffled right up beside him and stood silently next to him. Before he could speak, a warm hand lightly lay on Hisoka's sweaty forehead as though checking his temperature. After a moment, it began to gently stroke his head, brushing his damp hair away from his forehead. The act was soothing, and Hisoka could feel himself start to relax and take some of the edge off the pain.

   "I'm sorry, baby, that last one was really rough with you, wasn't he..."

   Upon hearing his mother's soft, tender voice, Hisoka felt as though he had downed an entire bucket of ice water; ice and all. He forced himself to suppress a shiver when chills ran down his back and he felt himself nod in response. Confusion trickled into Hisoka's brain, was this a dream? Or was he dead, too? How come the pain felt so real? If he was dead and now in the afterlife with his mother or simply dreaming of her, he shouldn't feel this kind of pain, right?

   "Am I-" ♣ his voice cracked, sounding hoarse and brittle. He licked his lips and found that they were dry and cracked. He then realized he was horribly thirsty as if he hadn't drank anything in days.

   "Water," ♠ he pleaded in a croaked whisper.

   His mother loosed a pain filled sigh, "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but the water was shut off again. I'll have to leave to try and find some." The soft rustle of clothing indicated his mother was starting to move away to do just that.

   Hisoka shook his head, causing it to throb and spin behind his eyelids. Everything hurt so badly, it made him feel weak and vulnerable. He didn't want to be left alone, even if it meant the company of someone he hated. He feebly reached out to where he had heard his mother's voice coming from. His arm shook and ached as he reached for her.

   After a hesitant moment, he could feel her soft, warm hands gently wrap around his own. He sensed her draw close; the movement was followed by a tender, motherly kiss placed upon his brow. Her actions made a tight ache form in Hisoka's chest. How he wished that this could have been his mother all the time. Loving, caring, gentle. He knew all too well this facade was only the beauty that hid her venom.

   He slowly opened his eyes, his vision was a little blurry but he could see her sitting there beside him in her pale green bathrobe. Hisoka guessed she had just recently gotten out of the shower since her hair was up in a towel. The warm light that filled the little apartment they shared was brighter than normal and gave their surroundings a very fuzzy and surreal feeling.

   Hisoka tried to recall how he could have possibly gotten here. His brow furrowed again as he struggled to remember the most recent past events.

   I was with the troupe, we reached Dolle, we got to the inn, Jasper harassed Aba- Wait! ♠ Hisoka's eyes narrowed as flashes of being pulled into an alley darted through his mind. He could see and hear Jasper talking to him, and the brief scuffle they had. Then someone was behind Hisoka, but the broken stream of memories ended there.

   Hisoka felt a sinking sensation within the pit of his stomach. He licked his lips once more and tried to swallow before he spoke, "Am.. Am I dead? ♠"

   His mother gave him a sorrowful look, "Oh, sweetie, no no, you're not dead." She let go of his hand with one of hers and began to stroke his head again.

   "You must feel awful, I told that last one to be gentle with you. I'm so sorry sweetie."

   Her tone had become sickeningly sweet with empty apologies. Hisoka's nose wrinkled as a wave of disgust washed over him. He pulled his hand away from hers and looked away, yet she continued to stroke his head.

   "You always did say you were sorry, mother," he barely croaked in a rough, broken voice, "but you never did anything to prevent it." ♠

   The hand that had been stroking his head stopped and slowly pulled away. There was a heavy silence for a few minutes before he heard his mother sigh.

   "You're right, I'm a terrible mother. I should have done more to love and protect you."

   A scowl started to form on Hisoka's face yet he did not respond to her. Another heavy silence, one that grew uneasy with every tick of the second hand in the clock on the wall.

   After a while, Hisoka finally broke the silence, "Do not expect me to disagree with you..." ♣

   He could hear her shuffle and shift uncomfortably beside him.

   "I didn't- I mean, I know..." She trailed off and Hisoka snickered at her pathetic attempts.

   His anger and disgust with his mother was starting to override his pain and dissipate the fog in his mind. It gave him new energy to say the things he had wanted to for so long.

   "You knew perfectly well what you were doing," ♠ he snarled, glaring at the back of the couch he was laying on, "Yet you never did anything to fix it. Your own pleasures were always more important than me. ♣ Even though you could see what it was doing to me and what I was being put through you-"

   Hisoka stopped his tirade, he could sense something was wrong. The warm light that had been filling the room started to fade away and the air around him had become cold and heavy. His mother's breathing changed, becoming thick and ragged.

   "I know," her voice rasped, barely above a hoarse whisper, "I know I was a horrible mother. No, a horrible person. But Hiso, my son, my love, did I really deserve... this?"

   Hisoka hesitated, dreading what he would see. The air had become so heavy he could barely breathe as the room continued to descend into darkness. He slowly turned his head to look back at his mother. What he saw caused him to open his mouth wide in a silent scream and desperately attempt recoil to further into the couch.

   All color had drained away from his mother's flesh. A horizontal slit appeared in the middle of her throat. The wound wept crimson rivers as it began to yawn wider and wider. He could see muscles, tendons, and trachea seemingly rot away at a frighteningly rapid pace. Hisoka tried to scramble away but his battered and bruised body failed him while his decaying mother leaned forward and slowly began to reach for him with both hands

   "Tell me, please sweetie, did mommy deserve to die like that? Did you really have to kill me?"

   As she spoke her lips started to rot and pull away exposing her teeth and gums. Her cheeks became sunken as her eyes fell back into her head, leaving empty withering voids that bore into Hisoka's tortured soul. She wrapped both of her rotting hands around her son's throat and began to squeeze, cutting off the precious oxygen his body so desperately required to sustain life.

   Hisoka began to thrash and tear at the arms in a frantic and desperate attempt to pull death's hands away from his throat. His actions were futile as he only managed to tear away large handfuls of rotting flesh leaving behind exposed bone. His mind was in full panic, he couldn't breathe to scream and his eyes were blown wide, staring into those voids in his mother's now skeletal face. She drew closer, slowly descending upon him as she chanted over and over.

   "Hisoka, why did you do this? Why did you do this to me? I'm your mother. Hisoka? Hisoka! Hisoka! Hisoka!"

Abaki

   "Hisoka? Hisoka! Hisoka wake up!" Abaki cried out to her unconscious friend who now thrashed around in his bed and wasn't breathing as his own hands were wrapped tightly around his throat. She desperately tried to pry Hisoka's hands away to free his airway but couldn't get a good enough grip.

   She watched in horror as his usually pale, freckled face started to change to an angry shade of red and his lips began to turn blue. Shaking her head, Abaki turned and bolted for the door. Flinging it wide open, she screamed out into the hall, "HELP! PLEASE, SOMEONE, ANYONE, HELP! IT'S HISOKA!"

   She looked back over her shoulder, tears of fright were streaming down her face. Terror gripped her heart as she feared she was going to lose her closest friend. That she was going to watch him die right in front of her, unable to help.

   Within seconds, Abaki could hear doors opening and hurried footsteps rushing in her direction. The first to the door was Magikana, barefooted and in her long sleeping gown.

   "Abaki vaht-" the magician's gaze darted from the frightened girl to the thrashing, dying boy. Her already wide eyes grew even wider as she pushed passed Abaki and made a beeline for her apprentice. As she made it to Hisoka's side, another showed up at the door in boxers, a tank top, and socks. It was the juggler that had seen Hisoka before the sideshows. His eyes grew wide with shock amd concern as he took in what was going on.

   "Do not just stand zere, Zane, hold him still for me!" Magikana snapped, struggling to hold Hisoka down the best she could. The juggler blinked then rushed over to help. He barely managed to grab hold of Hisoka's legs to pin them down.

   "Kids stro- OOF!" Zane was cut short when Hisoka unconsciously delivered a hard kick to Zane's gut, knocking the wind out of him a bit.

   The next person who appeared at the room's door was Moritonio in a house robe. With a quick look he immediately understood the dire circumstances, grabbed Abaki's wrist, and made his way towards the others.

   "Come girl," he instructed calmly, "we'll need your help, too."

   Moritonio drug a dazed Abaki with him over to the bedside opposite Magikana, nearly tripping over her own feet in the process. Zane was now laying over Hisoka's struggling legs, keeping them pinned to the bed.

   "Press your hands on his chest, Abaki, try and keep him still as best as you can," the troupe leader ordered, "Kana, hold his shoulders, I'll try and pry away his hands."

   "Be careful as to not break his neck," she warned as she adjusted her position and pressed Hisoka's shoulders down into the mattress.

   Just as Moritonio took hold of Hisoka's wrists he noticed the boy's thrashing had diminished greatly, becoming nothing more than feeble twitches. A sense of dread washed over him as he realized what was happening.

   "Hisoka?" The boy's hands were still wrapped tightly around his own throat. Moritonio strained to carefully pull Hisoka's hands away. As he did so, Hisoka's nails drug across his own flesh leaving behind bright red trails in their wake. The moment his airway was free, a strange gurgling sound started to emit from the trainee's throat. The adults grew pale as Moritonio felt for a pulse. After a moment, he looked up at Magikana and shook his head.

   Abaki's chest grew tight and it felt like her heart had stopped. Her eyes grew wide and became brimmed with tears, gaze falling upon her friend's face, "H-Hisoka?"

   At the sound of her voice, Moritonio glanced over at Abaki and his eyebrows suddenly shot up; an idea came to mind. He looked back to Magikana who seemingly heard the ringleader's thoughts and she nodded. The magician then snapped her fingers at Zane to draw his attention away from the poor boy and onto her,

   "Quick, fetch zee doctor, ve vill do vaht ve can."

   Without question, Zane nodded and bolted out the door. As soon as he was gone Moritonio looked back to Abaki once more.

   "Abaki. Abaki!" The traumatized girl jumped a little and turned her focus to her troupe leader and nen master. "Listen to me carefully, Hisoka's heart has stopped as well as his other bodily functions. We could try to resuscitate him, but Kana and myself are not familiar with the methods and may make matters worse trying. However, we need to try something, and I may have just the thing. I want you to emit a small amount of energy into his body. Give it a jump start."

   Abaki blinked a few times, she was in a mild state of shock, "W-what? You want me to..." She looked down at her friend's lifeless body and nearly broke down. Magikana turned swiftly and grabbed the girl by the shoulders, shaking her just enough to snap the trainee's attention to the magician.

   "Listen carefully, if ve are to save Hisoka," she said in a cool, calm yet stern voice, "ve need you to listen to vingleader, okay?" Abaki nodded with a sniffle before looking over to her nen master.

   "O-okay, what do you need me to do?"

   "Place your dominant hand here," Moritonio instructed, pointing to an area of Hisoka's chest just over his heart. Abaki hesitated, but only for a moment, then she leaned forward and rested her hand lightly on his still chest. Her lip quivered but she kept it together and looked back up at her nen master.

   "Okay, what's next?"

   Moritonio spoke clearly and quickly as he explained to Abaki to move her nen to her hand. Once she had done that, she was to slowly and carefully emit her nen into Hisoka's fading residual nen. Abaki was terrified, she knew there were so many ways this could go wrong. She could accidentally force too much nen into her friend causing organs to be ruptured and bones crushed. Or she could completely fry his nervous system rendering him brain dead. She could even damage his aura nodes and cause him to become nenless.

   Tears started to spill from her eyes again when those horrid thoughts threatened to cloud her mind. She gave her head a little shake and bit her lip to help maintain focus. She understood why Moritonio was having her do this instead of himself. Emitting nen would flow smoother from a person who is naturally an emitter. With Moritonio being a transmuter, the task would most likely be more dangerous even though he was the more experienced nen user. The fact that her and Hisoka had been training their nen together for the past several weeks and were more intune with each other's nen was another positive factor.

   Abaki bit her lip a little harder as she felt the strain of her efforts start to fatigue her body. She had no idea how much time had passed. Seconds? Minutes? Or had it been hours? She honestly felt as though it had been the latter. Her eyes having been shut during most of the process, she wasn't even sure if Magikana and Moritonio were still there.

   Hisoka, please, wake up, her heart and mind pleaded as one. She pictured his warm, mischievous smile as he teased her about her crush on Camilla. Those sparkling amber eyes filled with life and excitement as he showed off his nen and magic tricks. She couldn't picture him any other way. This cold, still, lifeless body she was mixing her nen with was not, no, could not, be her friend.

   Her brow furrowed and her jaw tensed all the more as she pushed those happy memories of their short lived friendship down through her nen and into his. She now tasted blood coming from her abused lip, but she didn't care.

   Hiso, I'm not giving up on you. Wake up. Wake. Up. NOW!

   Abaki gave her waning nen a gentle but firm push in a last attempt to save her friend. The last of her nen energy that she could spare. She gasped and would have collapsed onto Hisoka if not for Magikana catching her and holding her upright.

   Her vision had begun to blur from over use of her nen, but she could see her friends' still, lifeless face. Moritonio checked for a pulse once again. After a moment his shoulders drooped and the look on his face became sad and grim.

   "H-Hiso?" Abaki whimpered. She began to reach towards him with trembling fingers when all of a sudden his entire body jerked.

   Abaki cried out in frightened surprise as Magikana pulled her back in sheer reaction; even Moritonio jumped back. Hisoka threw his head back into his pillows and his back arched greatly, lungs hungrily sucking in a massive breath. His bloodshot eyes were now wide open and possessed a frightened, feral look.

   When Hisoka started to flail again, Moritonio quickly stepped forward and grabbed the trainee's wrists in case he were to hurt himself again.

   "You're alright, boy," Moritonio calmly stated, "no need to thrash about, you're safe. Nothing and no one here is going to harm you. You're among friends."

   Hisoka blinked several times, pupils so constricted they were barely visible within their golden irises. He was obviously confused, not to mention terrified. He seemed to slowly recognize the older man as he began to settle down. Moritonio let go of Hisoka's wrists and slowly backed away a bit to give the boy a little more room to breathe. And breathe he did, for he was alive and now conscious to the waking world.

   Abaki let out a choked sob as an enormous wave of relief washed over her. She wanted to rush forward and hug her friend, but Magikana held her back. A task not too difficult since the girl was now quite weak herself.

   "Is best to let him rest, yes? Little one still has injuries."

   Abaki glanced up at the magician and saw that, she too, had tears in her eyes and her lower lip trembled ever so slightly. She looked back at Hisoka then reached out and gingerly took her friends hand. She winced a little at just how cold his usually warm hands had gotten. The touch made Hisoka look in Abaki's direction. His gaze was a little unfocused, and he still seemed a bit confused. He blinked a couple times before he attempted to speak.

   "Aba-" Hisoka, Magikana, and Abaki all winced in unison at the sound of Hisoka's voice. Broken, dry, hoarse, it sounded painfully horrible. Hisoka lightly touched his throat with his free hand then jerked it away with a ragged hiss. He then looked over to Magikana with a muddled expression.

   "Is bit of story," she sighed softly, reaching over and gently brushing the red raspberry hair out of the eyes of her apprentice. "Rest now, you are safe. Doctor should be here any minute now."

   As soon as the magician finished her sentence, a huffing, red faced Zane magically appeared through the door with an exhausted looking woman in tow. She wore medium length salt and pepper hair up in a messy bun, wore glasses, and carried a doctor's bag.

   "S-sorry it- *pant* took so long," Zane puffed, "She was *pant* asleep."

   "Well," the doctor mumbled under her breath, "it is the middle of the night." She spotted Hisoka and adjusted her glasses as she walked towards him. Moritonio stepped back to give the women more room while Magikana and Abaki stuck close on the opposite side.

   She instantly frowned upon a closer look at Hisoka and looked back over at the ringleader.

   "Is this the same boy that was attacked in the alley a couple days ago?" she asked, carefully tilting Hisoka's head up to get a better look at his neck.

   "Yes," Moritonio answered plainly.

   "These are not the injuries my colleague told me about, these are fresh," she glowered at the marks on Hisoka's neck and snapped her head back round angrily. "What happened to him? Who did this?"

   "It would appear that while the boy was in comatose he had a horrendous nightmare," the ringleader explained calmly. "He's been mumbling and talking in his sleep throughout most of this past day. We figured he would soon wake up, but instead, he attacked himself. He strangled himself to the point of losing consciousness once more, as well as he had stopped breathing."

   The doctor's face paled a few shades and even more serious, something Abaki had not thought possible just a moment ago.

   "Heartbeat?" Moritonio slowly shook his head.

   "How long?" she further inquired.

   "Close to thirty minutes I'd say."

   The doctor's frown depended and she continued her exam. She checked his eyes and listened to his vocal cords, heart, and lungs. Once that was done, she asked Hisoka to do some simple motor function tests which he completed relatively well. Abaki held Hisoka's hand while the doctor worked, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze whenever Hisoka flinched or seemed uncomfortable. She was relieved to feel the warmth returning to his fingers.

   When the doctor lifted his shirt, Hisoka's eyes blew wide with surprise. His attention was drawn to the vast collection of bruises and bandages all over his body as well as the ones on his arms and legs. He looked over at Magikana and Abaki. His trainer frowned and shook her head slightly, silently mouthing the words, "vill explain later".

   Finally the doctor sighed, removed her stethoscope and placed it back into her black bag.

   "Well," she started in a tired voice, "his vocal cords and trachea are damaged, but not to the point of needing hospital care, thankfully. The rest of his injuries seem to be coming along nicely; and quickly, might I add. But he will still need at least two weeks of bed rest, plenty of good food, and lots of water. You want to have him stretch a couple times a day so his muscles don't stay stiff all the time. It'll help up blood flow and healing as well. I will be back to check on him in a week, but call me or my colleague if anything strange starts to arise. Not breathing or having a heartbeat that long, I am honestly surprised he's doing as well as he is, all things considered."

   "Thank you, doctor," Morintonio replied solemnly.

   Abaki noticed the older man frowning at the doctor's news and how he exchanged looks with Magikana. This was an issue, the troupe was supposed to have been in the next town by now, but due to the recent events things had been put on hold. To put travels on hold for another two weeks could prove to be devastating to the troupe's finances.

   Moritonio motioned for Magikana to come with him as he walked with Zane and the doctor outside the room. She nodded then gently brushed Hisoka's hair once more.

   "Rest, little vun, I vill explain everyzing in zee morning." Hisoka frowned a little as he looked over his trainer's face. He then sighed through his nose and weakly nodded his head. She produced a tired smile and gently ruffled his already messy hair. Before she left, she retrieved two blue sports drinks from a nearby grocery bag and handed one to Abaki and Hisoka each.

   "Both of you, drink, rest," she instructed then focused on Abaki, "Stay viz him, I vill be back as soon as I can be." And with that she left the room.

   Abaki shifted her position so she could lean back against the headboard to rest more comfortably. She watched as Hisoka opened his bottle and chugged down over half of the blue liquid in one go, wincing from the pain as he swallowed.

   Once Hisoka drank his fill, he pulled the bottle away from his dry, cracked lips and took a large, shaky breath. He looked over to Abaki and the two friends stared in silence.

   I wonder if he knows that he nearly died. Well, I guess he actually did die. At least for a short bit there. Should we tell him if he doesn't know? Or would it be better left not telling him? I'm not sure if I would want to know that I did something like that to myself without knowing.

   Her mind continued to wander as she carefully examined the red haired teen. His dark and sunken blood shot eyes, messy hair, bruised and scratched face, then finally the freshly forming brushes on his neck. She felt her lips twitch as she surprised a grin and snorted through her nose.

   Hisoka blinked and opened his mouth to question her but quickly thought better of it. Instead, he closed his mouth and tilted his head, giving Abaki a look of inquiry.

   She couldn't help it, a wry, exhausted smile lightly danced across her lips as she said to her friend, "Hiso, you look like shit..."

~ ~ ~

📜 A/N: Thank you so much for reading my story and I really hope you liked the chapter. If you did, please remember to heart and pass word along of this story! I do apologize for the long wait on this chapter, life just gets crazy sometimes, yah know?

Also, I wanna add that if you are feeling down, depressed, unstable, or think that you could cause harm to yourself or even others, please, please, please reach out and get help. Whether it be friends, family, or even someone from a help service, someone out there does does care about you and you do, in fact, matter! As a survivor of attempted suicide, and one who deals with Bi-Polar I Depression, I know that the battle can seem tough, endless, and just down right exhausting. I know that asking for help can be tough and scary, but the first step to anything worth while usually is.

With that said, I again thank you for reading, and please take care of yourself. Get lots of rest, sunshine, exercise, and drink plenty of water! Until next, laters!

~ ~ ~

Previous Chapter: Ch.3 - The Show Must Go On!

Next Chapter: Ch. 5 - Whispers of the Cards

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[mydiaryofgloom]

I've spent years figuring out what went wrong and what happened.

I think it started with clarity and ended in despair.

I realized at one point that I wasn't a bad gf but I wasn't a good gf either. I was needy amd clingy and so dependent. I could also be controlling and I hated that about myself. I loved you so much that I felt like I didn't deserve you. I felt like I needed space to become a better person before I was worthy of you because i had so many flaws. I loved you so much but I also believed you deserved a love more pure than what i was giving you at the time. I truly believed I didn't deserve you. So I asked for a break. And everything went to shit.

When you followed me to college and stayed at my parents house without my knowledge you started to scare me.

I never cheated on you. But I understand why you thought I did. I was scared and was looking for people I felt safe with. and in that moment, it wasn't with you. I knew how dangerous you were at the time, so I was constantly making plans with whoever was available so that I could feel safe in numbers. But you listened to the words my parents shared with you, when they only made assumptions. They did not know what was happening. I would never confide in them about what was really going on.

Then came the threats and the name calling. And I knew no matter what I said in that moment, you would not hear it. You would not understand. And I don't know what I could have done in that moment to help us reach an understanding. I was scared because I knew you so well. You were my other half.

And that week ended with you raping me in my parents home. And I loved you so much I felt like my entire world was shattered. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do or say except to lay there. Even after it was done and you asked me to beg you to stay. I was too scared. I was too broken. I was frozen and couldn't say a word. And you didn't use a condom. And I loved you but I did not want to have a baby from a night of terror. I was absolutely ruined that day.

We would not have had such a big misunderstanding if I had faced you head on instead of avoiding you in fear. I'm sorry I ever made you feel such a heartbreak.

Thus, our happy story ended in tragedy. I can understand what happened. And why it happened now. After replaying it millions of times in my head. I never understood why I couldn't say anything at the time or why I didn't stop you before. And it crushed my heart. But laying it out here helps bring me some closure.

I still remember the happy times with you, I'm glad I got a few short and happy years with you before our sad ending. Thank you for treating me so well before our relationship ended. That was true love. I'm sorry I broke your heart.

Im still dealing with the heartbreak now. Im still dealing with the repurcussions. And its not from this incident alone. Ive been raped by a friend, a cousin, and a lover.

I still have trust issues. I'm still scared to make friends and meet new people. I sometimes feel repulsed when people i love touch me. I sometimes get nightmares. I still cry. I still have thoughts of suicide. I have very low self esteem now.

But I'm doing my best everyday. I'm conscious of my suicidal thoughts. I know not to engage them. I'm conscious of my pain. And I know this too will pass as it ebbs and flows. I'm trying my best to live a good life but I'm always scared to make new friends. Always. I'm always scared when someone confesses that they like me. It always scares me. Always.

Im always scared that history will repeat itself with my current relationship. I'm always doubting the love I have for others. I'm always fighting thoughts that I'm not good enough. I'm scared to be alone but I wonder if it's better for society if I am alone.

I don't want to ruin another life because of my inaction. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And even to this day, I know you still hate me for something I never did. And I'm still dealing with the conflicting emotions of feeling such a hatred for something I never did. I feel so much regret because of my inaction.

But now you look happy. Everyone says that youre happy now. Thank god. I just wanted you to be happy in this lifetime and the next. I hope you are deeply loved.

I'm trying my best everyday. Its hard to be myself around others but I'm trying to. I just have to deal with these emotions. So many emotions. Sadness, depression. Pain. Melancholy. Regret. Terror. Betrayal. So many emotions that I need to process. It is a lifelong journey.

Please, help me find peace in the end.

[cwombw]

isn’t life great?

below cut.

void-Yesterday at 11:25 PM

wtf do you even have to say to me

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:26 PM

I just, if youre this upset with riley for doing then we need to talk about this so you understand

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

im ALLOWED to be hurt that he thinks i can NEVER be trusted AGAIN for no apparent reasonif you cant recognize that then WOW

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

He doesn't think thatHe blocked people he's know for years

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

then WHY the MCFUCK did he block me and why are you saying i should just shut up about it and get over iti cared about him damnit i say him as my own fucking childyoure not who i thought you were lmfao

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

He's just really scared right now, youre allowed to be upset but try to underastand

void-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

im done tbh?i blocked him back.its what he wants anyway

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

if you feel that's what you want. he's just scared and hiding from everything

void-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

and yet hes still in dandys friendchat.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

He left active chats right off the bat and then got scred people would hate him and stoped

void-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

whatever then.too bad star came home im this close to self harmingim  going to talk to her and hope shecan calm me down from a meltdown

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

I just, he's literally dying rn, please try to understandAnd please stay safe

void-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

you also need to understand that others are having similar reactions due to his actions just now

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

youre having a heart problem? you were so upset you had a heart attack last night? I'm sorry but I dont think this is comperable

void-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

i meant the goddamn breakdown thing

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:34 PM

I'm sorry i misunderstoodHe jsut doesnt want anyone to see him die

void-Yesterday at 11:39 PM

i f he wants to push everybody away and ruin every good friendship he had and also ruin the dnd kin thing, fine. im not going to open my arms to him anymore.i dont hate him.but the wanting nothing to do eith each other thing is mutual now.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

i hope you understand that i stand with him on this. he just doesnt want to hurt people if he actually dies

void-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

if he actually diesso if he doesnt, what. hes gonna be like "heyyy.. fingerguns sorry that i ruined all my friendships, amde people hate me, and made people panic" i dont play ehadgames like that and i refuse to do that with him.plus, idk. iunno. maybe it should be our choice if we want to stick with him even if hes on his death bed?by doing this its hurting more than watching hiom die

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:43 PM

He's in the hospital and they said things arent looking good. he's terrifiyed and I think you should remember hes only 16. he's just scared as any dying kid would be

void-Yesterday at 11:44 PM

.. so wait. let me get this straight . he decided to. block. every single one of his online friends, out of fear of hurting them. but he didnt try to distance himself from his irl ones, even though it should be thje same fear that drove him to block everybody online in the first place.iwhatnothis boils down to paranoia and distrustwhy exactly, does he  let his irl friends care for him but wont let his online ones do the same

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:45 PM

It;s easier to block people you don't know in personI just, I cant do this. hes a scared kin and that's all there is to it

void-Yesterday at 11:46 PM

okim dropping itfeel free to block mefigure you want nothing to do with me anymore eitherJune 8, 2018

ArchaicArcade-Today at 12:01 AM

no it's just I need a bit

ArchaicArcade-Today at 8:34 AM

I'm sorry to say this but I've know Riley way longer and well, I choose him over you. I feel terrible but I need to side with my best friend here

void-Today at 11:56 AM

there shouldnt even be a side but okay. i had a feeling y'all weren't telling the truth. because i forgot last night but now i remember that he certainly did not block everybody he was friends with online and the chat in gov kin is evident as such, since people there could still message him.

you all have fun lying now. but i want you both to remember that i would have gone above and beyond for the both of you because i trusted you, cared about you, and loved you.thanks for ripping away a part of my life.

--

s/o-Today at 7:48 AM

Fuck meRiley is the rat talking to lou

s/o-Today at 11:01 AM

Let me know if you are okay.

void-Today at 11:59 AM

.....wow.

s/o-Today at 11:59 AM

He shared our entire dm

s/o-Today at 12:00 PM

God me too

void-Today at 12:01 PM

you know i have a feeling all their friends were in on it and he didnt even have a heart attack last night

--

s/o- you know I never had a grudge against you, and I wasn't in a good place either when you were in my life. please leave me out of your mouth and i'll continue leaving you out of mine. Don't dis GAK either, it's a quiet kin family. -Lex's "live in" partner.

s/o- also I'm carful about the ages of the people I talk too, and that "flirting with a minor thing" not sure who that was at all? I'm sure it had something to do with the nonsense in KK. Anyway last message I will send unless you choose to respond. Yesterday at 4:53 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches the minor was jeremie diioscuri and the offending behavior was via discord in a mutuals server that he had created Yesterday at 2:26 PM s/o- Now i know what you are talking about. I was mislead about his age. But I also never flirted with him. I sent him an NSFW meme once and his little friends started making wild accusations of me. And I do feel bad for offending him, but I didn't know he was a minor.

s/o- That is also how I personally got kicked from KK. I kicked Alex from KK the previous night because it was behaving destructively Today at 7:44 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches thats not an accusation thats straight up telling the truth

s/o- Talking about trans stuff? I was literally complaing about tucking. I also really feel stabbed in the back right now. You think you know someone

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches you... knew who? look idk what you deem appropriate to talk to minors about but maybe it differs for us

s/o- i don't think a trans vent between two trans people is inappropriate if he was squicked by that he could've told me lol. not go sharing a private convo with you. (and i'm not blaming you for that)

agenderdad420/mystery peaches i will say that there is often an inherent power dynamic between older and younger members that maybe made him more uncomfortable

s/o- you know i can take the blame if I fucked up. I hope you know that I've changed a ton since KK. and since I your drama with Lex started. All I want is to be a good person and contribute something to my fellow kinnies.\

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches honestly i havent really kept up w either you or alex since that point, but i dont doubt you can take accountability for your actions.

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches i just hope that there is change that goes along w acknowledgement and perhaps there has been

s/o- I don't speak for lex. But i just want peace Today at 9:21 AM

agenderdad420 fair

--

s/o - Today at 7:49 AM Apparently riley is the one talking to the person who made my callout Do you have a problem with me arcade? 

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:07 AM no 

s/o - Today at 8:16 AM I guess i squicked him with something i said 

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:17 AM i guess 

s/o - Today at 8:19 AM My brain: hes sick because of you 

s/o - Today at 12:02 PM I know you have your reasons  for what you guys are doing. But I hope Riley knows how deep he cut me. I would've given you both the moon.

--

not only have these people caused me to have a severe anxiety attack, they caused my partner the same, as well as many others who weren’t even a part of this.

they have caused me to feel suicidal and paranoid, to want to self harm

as for agenderdad420/mysterypeaches, they have sent me anon hate before, accused me of being racist for my neopronouns (all while saying they’re not against neopronouns, lol), and blew up at me for dropping them after they told me they didn’t like that i was trying to set boundaries for my borderline behaviors with them, and that i was confiding in them everything that was going on with me at the time (which was heavily toxic and depressing towards me) they have used language against me that is ableist and abuse apologetic in nature and their claims otherwise are blatant lies.

i had previously published the majority of the anon hate before deleting it from my blog after a while due to discomfort of having drama on my blog.

they have taken to stalking me to find out more past drama about me, as well as taking false anecdotes from others who claim my s/o has been inappropriate with minors to the point of grooming them, which is 1000000000000000% untrue and taken greatly out of context and skewed into something that never happened.

talking about trans issues isn’t grooming, sending a nsfw meme to a person who my s/o believed to be an adult isn’t grooming.

these people are pure evil and have been planning this for a long time from what i’ve gathered.

they are dangerous and unpleasant and will apparently stop at nothing to obtain their goal, whatever it actually is. as evident as one of them faked a heart attack and may have faked an entire condition.

update 7/17/2018

after speaking to rileys sister who he abused for a good part of their life, as well as ruined it and made their mom send them to live with their aunt, i’ve since learned that this is serial abusive behavior and he has also physically beat his younger siblings, is a pathological liar, and everything i’ve thus learned about him 100% fits his m/o.

he can try all he wants to pretend that he got better and has improved but all i see if that he got better methods.

faking a heart attack in order to call my gf a pedophile for talking about trans issues is fucking despicable.

another thing i’ve discovered is that he did in fact assault the person who he says assaulted him 

and the fact he freaked out over a poorly written callout like that, no offense to the victim is kinda funny and really telling. if he was innocent then why bother mentioning anything? i dont think that many people saw it.

i’ve also learned that archaicarcade, aka julien/julian (and plenty of other past names) also has a past of fucking people over very quickly into friendships and relationships and changing their name and other information in order to hide their past.

in fact.. riley hangs out with a lot of weird people, including somebody who was brainwashed by their older brother to be transphobic, and julien, whos relationship with the minors he surrounds himself with is suspect at best.

he also keeps company with a jehovah’s witness, which i shouldn’t have to explain how problematic that is.

my current thoughts about this is that riley while not innocent at all may be being groomed by julien is who also grooming others with help from his other adult buddies they all hang with. i have no sympathy for riley though after what occurred, whatsoever.

just 10-20 minutes ago somebody on a sockpuppet from wilson, north carolina sent me hate after checking out this callout post for riley, this is the screenshot i took

i’ve since blocked and reported the sockpuppet, even if this doesnt belong to riley, its clearly from one of his brainwashed supporters. amazing that a month later they still want to start shit. but this? this is pathetic.

look riley and co. i, my gf, my bf, my other bf, and all my friends know the truth. you’re fucking liars and fakes and abusive and groom people. do the universe a favor and go to long term therapy or maybe just never go online ever again with any device, anytime, anywhere, ever. and in fact hole yoruself up in your homes and never speak to anybody ever again because you clearly can’t help yourselves from finding new targets to fuck with.

emotional terrorism at its finest.

[pinkiespurpleflower]

Got nowhere else to put this and I need to vent so I'm putting it here

I'm really tempted to kill myself tonight. And no, I swear to god I'm not saying it for attention, if I were I'd be putting it on my main blog. I'm just typing this because I'm hoping venting will make me feel better, and if it doesnt, well, at least people will know why I did it. Over the past year I have done nothing but fail and fail over amd over again. There are so meny things at the beginning of 2017 that I thought I'd have done by now, so meny small goals that were necessary for me to achieve but I haven't. I've watested a crucially important year of my life and there's nothing I can do to undo it or bring it back. I've failed at school. I'm about to fail all but one of my classes and I've already been droped from one for lack of attendance, one I failed last semester. They were easy fucking classes. Classes I could have passed with very little effort, I know I could have aced them so easy yet I failed. Why? I refused to buy the book becuse it was 200$ and I said I didnt have the money, then I procided to sepnd hunderds of dollors THAT I NEEDED TO SAVE At conventions. I could have fucking taken medication for my add and autism yet I didn't and I honestly dont know if it's becuase of my pride or because of pure lazyness. But both of those have just gotten infinatly worse than it was in highschool and I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR IT! I LOKK AND ACT LIKE A LITERAL FUCKING RETARD AND I CANT REMBER THINGS THAT HAPPENED LITERALLY 2 MINUTES AGO! Its sicking. I'm an annoyance and a burden to everyone around me. I'm an embarrassment to what few friends I have. I fucking broke my computer and my glasses twice and my fucking bed from just having random uncontrollable urges to smack my face and sometimes entire body on my bed over and over again. And when I tell people they just fucking laugh. Speaking of the computer I could have goyen it fixed by now but I haven't becuse I'm too incopadent to know how to mail it off and I'm afraid to ask for help. The warranty may have expired for all I know. And another thing. Theres a docters appointment that I really needed to make, for somthing that has been an on going issue for a long time but low and be hold I cant fucking do that either. It hurts to just bring myself to try, like, idk how to describe it but its like when I do I'm feeling mental pain so stong it feels physicaly. Oh and I can't tell you how much of a nessestiy it has been for me to get a license. Like my dad made it so easy for me, he boght me a car and a book. And riding the bus all the time is fucking hard and fucking stessful. My mom used to give me rides but shes been bailing on me more and more. YET I STILL CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO IT. It's like there's a voice in my head screaming at me to get it done but is terrifed I'll get it wrong so I just put it off longer and dont do it at all. I'm a failer to my sisters. I never get to see them, I didnt get to come ro there 16th bithday. I was a shitty big sister growing up and now I'm barely even a part of their lives. I'm a failer to my father. Every time he says to me "i love you" or "I'm proud of you" I feel like absote shit because I know I dont deserve it. He doesnt know how horribly I've failed. I'm failing at work too. So meny of my coworkers don't like me, I was called into the office recently for underperforming and this happed alot at my old store, I know for a fact that if I hadn't tranfesd when I did I would have been fired. I'm a failure at love. Both the peoples I was in super deep relationships with, like I thought I was gonna marry ended up crazy and suicidal by the end and I really feel like that was from me fucking them up and being manipulative. I guess this all would be excusable if I was a good person but I'm not that either. I'm a horribly shitty person. I feel no empathy for others in mental pain, in fact I somtimes get a sadistic enjoyment of it. I'm discuseted with muself that I'm suicidal because suicidal people make me disgusted. I guess there are a few reasons to live that I've been clinging on to. Shitty reasons, but they are there. It should be for my friends and familey, but it's stuff like I want to see mlp season 8 and I want to see how Trump will play out. I'm a bad friend. I can't even feel happy for my friend getting a free ride to collge. I should but I don't want her to be away from me and I'm jellous of the money. It's sick. I'm a sick person. I have another friend too, hes online, but I feel like he only sticks around when I say nice things about him, and I just leach off of him for frindship because I'm so fucking loney. I think I'm gonna take all those pills I was suposed to be taking over the past year all at once. It will be a statement to all the things I should have done but didn't. It will be my punishment I think. At least I'll get to die befor things get as bad as I know they are going to. It sucks I'm going to die eather on or right befor my birthday Ah fuck. Idk what I'm going to do. Mabye I'm too much of a cowrd. I dont know anymore Ill miss my dad. And my mom. And my sisters. And my dog. And my friends Kat and Daniel. I love you all.

[plaugeratforever]

me:I am no longer suicidal

korans:I hope so...Hope it stays that way aswell

me:me too

voice:it never stays good for long you know better

ME:you help korans And basil keeps me safe and makes it to where I am never alone

voice:basil is just a ferret what can he really do to help you? how can he really stop you?

korans:I'm very relieved you feel that way.

me:me too

korans:AWE

korans:BEAUTIFUL

voice:for now

me to my voice:shut up please im happpy just let me be happy

me:i think so

me:I absolutely love the feeling of feeling safe it's weird...... but super comforting

And welcomed

me:very welcome

me:And basil is a very large part of that

lexi hates that a ferret outs I his house let alone that I have one but in such a short time he has bonded with me amd made tip where I can feel safe especially from myself.... And he cann tell when I am hallucinating..... it's weird.... but he confirms that they are not real the voices all of it....... it's like it was my destiny to have him like he was made just for me Made to help me in every way possible.... like he is the key to unlocking my soul.........i know I'm crazy it's just a delusion of grandeur

voice: if i am a hallucination then you are also delusional your fucking ferret cant save you your fucking ferret cant tell when you hallucinating you are just as crazy as we thought you were

another voice: laughs hysterically oh my god this is too funnY

ME TO THE VOICES:just shut up please leave me alone please

korans:i am happy to hear that basil helps

me:i cant wait to tell my doctor

voice one :quack

voice two:guack quack

korans:yes the good news

me:No offence but he is the most important thing/ living being in my life so far and I only just got him.....lile I said maybe Destiny? maybe fate? maybe he wad made just for me? Maybe he was made to help me find myself? Maybe bee is like my own personal Jesus? Or some shit like that......id don't know what I do know is I am very well on my way to happy

voices:happy there is no such thing happiness is a delusion

korans:i'm very happy to here that baby girl

korans:And here we are. Here and now

me:he passed out awe

korans:and here we are now

me:????

korans:Like here in the present. Like you said this was meant to happen to you. You were destined to have this little ferret and it happened.

korans:This is your road to recovery my sweetheart

voices in unison: recovery is not possible who are you even?really who are you?

me:I still don't l know what is going on in my life I still have no idea who I am or why I exist..... but thats not a big deal to me right now...i am in the eye of the storm so to speak and while the first part was brutal round two will hit much harder faster And stronger I am a realist......i know what's coming for the most part

****korans stars talking about his own storms about how i can be cured schizophrenia is not curable dose he thin he is a psychiatrist or something?****

me:I'm saying I am propagating for the fight of and for my life LITERALLY and I need a good hand swift fingers a nimble soul an unbreakable heart an absolutely fearless friend 24/7 by my side at all times a pack of Wolfe's my mind needs to be sharper than ever my words need to be elegantly put.....And a Pen or!12 will defiantly be needed to record the events that are they to come............ because this is not the last storm by far it's not the last.... and I need to be ready to face the hardest things imaginable..... I'm so not at all ready for this fight hell I'm am just beginning to prepare ....but it dose not matter right at this moment.....nothi g dose except my will power and my new baby boy again no offence but these are the only things that matter it's calm any I can never tell Seth the other side of the storm is going to hit.... so I will make the best of it

korans: ill be there 24/7 i'm already proving that

korans:i know what its going to take

****what the hell you have no idea what you are talking about you have never had to deal with the hell i and every other schizophrenic has to deal with ......if you are sleeping you are not hallucinating you are fucking dreaming or having i nightmare how in the hell do you know what it is going to take fucking christ****

****the eye of the storm will pass soon and soon its shal rain hellfire and brimstone and you will go will i will go absolutely fucking insane again, and again,and again. and again, and again until you DIE that is my life medications that don't work and shit that is not real****

later on in the conversation my side only

me:I don't want a shield to protect me I am the incredible Fucking hulk bitch

The only person in this world that cam protect me is me

I need to gift and win and continue to fight until the day I die and no one can protect me from my own worst enemy............. because it's me....... this is muy fight and while I love your support and your confidence in me I need to take the blows I'm gonna get so I cam send them back 10 fold

me:You can be there you can have my back I'm not saying you can't...... I'm just saying I need to do this myself for ONCE

along bit later

me: I'm exhausted talking about what is to come

They the truth is in some ways I dio need protecting and in some ways o can't do this pin my own.... but I have you, basil, Vikki, mommy, emilie and Emily and john (again too ).i have my army of men and mice and we Are strong

korans :ah ok

me: Oh and the entire asylum fwvg all of the inmates and the plague reats as well

me: im serious

Me: I AM VERY SERIOUS

me:IM DEAD SERIOUS

me: you barley know what i am capable of you will

korans: in due time yes

me: Yes you will i am destructive force of nature an the only person that can beat me is me and i do quite often to often there rarely is another person that can take me down but they find me some how....ill win eventually

me: It's like playing Marvel versus Capcom 2 the computer is almost impossible to beat another player is ten times harder

****i wish he understood i was talking about fighting myself i wish he understood there was nor real way to "win" i wish he understood what is wrong with me ......i may not be "sick" but my brain is broken to bit i wish he understood that****

****then again maybe her does maybe he's trying to ........you now i have no fucking clue what he is trying to do no idea at all

what are his goals....what dose he want from me ....i have nothing to offer.....nothing .....and anything sexual is completely off the table for a long while im not ready i am just not ready at all****

[dont-call-me-i-am-trynaa-die]

I have taken too many tablets, guys. My head is spinning and my vision is getting dark. I am going to sleep..

I don't think I wanna wake up

[dont-call-me-i-am-trynaa-die]

These meds are messing with my head.

I know I am better off dead

For how long I have been brewing in this stew

Of despair and hopelessness, I never knew.

Sick and tired of this shitty world

Never have my thoughts not swirled,

Out and beyond my control

Death is now my only goal.

This is the shittiest poem I wrote

While trying to stay afloat

It was all written in 5 minutes at night.

I know no one cares about my plight

But please please let me get it out

"Unalive yourself", the voices shout.

For now these might be my last words

While my mind plays it's broken record

I don't know if it will be taken down or not, but i don't care now. I NEED to get this shit outta my system

Srsly guys I can write much better I swear. This is literally a glorified shitpost