#suicidal arc over!

[infinitethree]

Day sits at the meeting table of the secret cabal hidden right under his nose, trying not to scream.

Instead of that entirely justified reaction, he presses his hands firmly against one another and stares, unblinking, at the ringleaders of this absolute bullshit.

Aster can’t meet his gaze, which is the correct response.

Daz, though, is staring back at him as if daring him to do something about his anger.

“So, in summary,” he finally says, feeling a twitch in his eye and wings, “the two of you have been keeping the bombshell secret of Daz being actually an asshole–”

“Aster did try to tell you, but you ignored him,” Daz interrupts, seemingly unfazed by Day’s anger.

He glares harder at him. “You know exactly what I fuckin’ mean. You lied to the server, to my family, to Lee–”

Said son protests, “They told me mostly willingly! And despite his copious bullshit, Daz has done a lot of good for the server. He's been teaching me–”

“Which he's able to do because he was a genuine protege. One who is infinitely more competent than he claimed to be.”

Daz smiles, technically, though really it's more of a toothy grimace. As if he's trying to head something off at the pass, he says, “My former mentor betrayed me. I'm good, but I'm not faking that monstrosity in my code kind of good.”

Day levels him with a look. Daz glowers back and snaps, “If I had a choice about any of this, we wouldn't be having this fuckin’ conversation.”

See, that's the problem.

The rest, Day could be– not exactly happy about, but at least somewhat understanding of.

However.

Daz tried to use Theo as his tool to kill himself. That would have crushed his son in a dozen ways, including and especially damaging his relationship with Lee.

“You are on such thin fuckin’ ice with me,” Day warns.

A bark of half-hysterical laughter comes from Daz. “Yeah? Then pull the trigger, old man. I'll even hand over the code I already wrote.”

Daz leans forward, a sickeningly hopeful light in his eyes as he tells him, “I'm an asshole, not a complete monster. I made sure my death would look like a suicide. Nobody outside this room will know the truth.”

A chill goes down his spine as Daz opens his console and sends something.

His own console is forced open– something Daz shouldn't know how to do– and a long string of code scrolls past.

…Shit. He’s completely neutered one of Day's biggest points of anger with him in quite possibly the most horrifying way possible.

Theo reaches over and grabs his arm in an iron grip. “I'm not fuckin’ happy with him either, but–”

His youngest shoots to his feet, expression murderous. “I'll never forgive you,” he warns.

Fuck, Lee's breathing is shaky and he’s on the verge of tears. As Day is scrambling to process this, the first to react is…Daz.

The subject of his ire gets out of his seat, kneels down, and smiles with almost painstaking kindness at Day's youngest.

“It’s for the best. I'm a good actor, and you have a big heart. But, Lee…the truth is that I'm cursed. Everyone I care about suffers; everyone who loves me dies. The death isn't always literal. An ocean of pain and misery lies in my wake. I'm a dangerous, broken, failure of an admin.”

Taking Lee’s hands in both of his, Daz keeps smiling. “I was raised so badly that I repressed my admin traits until it formed its own person. Innit has hated you from the first moment it saw you. I repressed it again after it sent me into that sleep deprivation coma in its attempts to get me to kill you. But…I had to set it free again. It wants Sanctuary to burn.”

Day sucks in a sharp gasp at that revelation.

Repressing such a fundamental part of himself is unthinkable. Shit; no wonder Daz is so twisted.

As if remembering the rest of them are there, Daz’s eyes flick over to Day.

The smile he makes is chilling.

“The rest of the Dreams, though…I mean. I planned to kill you with little remorse. I figured, hey– best case scenario? I take out a dozen or so Dreams before I get executed. A Dream is a Dream is a Dream– all of whom are venomous snakes waiting to strike.”

That smile has yet to fade. “That’s the kind of person I really am. Save your pity and mercy for someone who deserves it. I'm a threat to you; I'm a threat to Sanctuary. Just one more monster to slay…one who got dangerously close to doing serious damage.”

Oh, he wildly underestimated the level of fucked up that this kid has been operating under.

Even after Aster and Lee told him, it didn't really sink in until now.

Lee, through his tears, suddenly grits out, “Restrain him.”

Day opens his mouth to argue, but Lee gives him a look he can't quite understand that makes him stand down.

There's no resistance as Day grabs Daz. The kid– and, by Day's standards, he is a kid– has a look of such naked relief on his face that Day might actually have nightmares about this.

Lee says, “Everyone.”

Quietly, without even a hint of struggle, Daz murmurs, “I won’t fight it. It's long overdue, anyway.”

Aster breaks from his spell next, frow burrowed and expression troubled, joins Day. Theo is only a beat behind him with an almost disturbed look in his eyes.

Instead of confronting Daz, though, Lee turns on his heel and goes to the corner of the room.

Daz's relief abruptly turns to panic when Lee snatches up what looks like a black ball.

Oh, okay, Day becomes abruptly aware Lee wanted three of the strongest people on the server to hold this one, seemingly pretty scrawny kid in place.

Maybe it’s because he's an admin, maybe it's just his build, maybe it’s his panic– but whatever the case, Daz is making this a hell of a lot harder than Day expected.

“Aster you fuckin’ traitor, do your fuckin’ job! The absolute last fuckin’ thing we can afford is for–”

Aster slaps a hand over his mouth, his own in a grim line.

As Daz struggles more desperately, Lee marches back until he's a few steps away.

Day's youngest looks down at the thing in his hands. “Is Daz right that he's cursed?”

The thing gets shaken and turned around.

Day sees that it must be some kind of toy, because a little dice thing rolls to say Don’t count on it.

Clearly, though, Day is missing some context, because Daz suddenly slumps like he's lost his will to fight.

Lee glares at him. “You’re an idiot. You literally have this– why did you never ask?!”

Aster moves his hand away as Daz, expression confused, says, “But…it was so obvious. It didn't seem worth wasting a question on.”

“I'm gonna need a fuckin’ explanation why the Fates're freaking out about divine intervention,” Theo sighs.

It's Aster who answers. “Among the perks of our first deal with the Scribe is a way to ask them questions. That's our conduit. It, uh…it looks like a toy, but it's not. There's limitations and we have to interpret whatever answer we get, but…it's a direct line to them.”

They've had that powerful a tool this entire fucking time?!

Theo asks, “Can we, uh, let go now? Kinda seems like the thing got fuckin’ done.”

Lee nods, and all three of them warily step back from Daz.

The kid looks…lost, almost.

“I don't understand,” he says, brow furrowed. “If I'm not cursed, then…why does everyone around me suffer?”

Sweet fucking Prime, Day is going to switch his therapist to Iatros to make sure Daz works through his shit.

Obviously, his existing one is able to be lied to enough that Daz hasn't had to do his therapy correctly.

Great. One of the most powerful people on the server is a ticking time bomb, and everyone close to him was too stupid to realize it.

That said…as much as Day is pissed off at Daz for his actions and how they would have devastated his sons?

He feels a distressing sort of empathy for him.

An admin who feels like a complete and utter failure, destroying himself bit by bit in a quest to protect those he cares about– shit, that might as well be describing Day!

At least, the old him. The him before he opened up to his kids, to Iatros. Before he was guided from being self-destructive to the point of ruin.

And…for whatever reason, Daz’s chosen person seems to be Lee.

Day can’t help but look around at the room they’re in. He has a vague idea of the coords, and they’re stupidly far out from anything. With all the blackstone, San would never have had a clue they were there…assuming they were smart about making this place.

Given how meticulous even Daz’s fake persona has been, Day suspects that’s the case.

He sighs, and puts a wing over the suddenly much younger-seeming Daz’s shoulder.

“I’m guessing I don’t know even half of what actually happened to you, but the answer remains the same. Sometimes shit just happens. You can’t stop it, or predict it–”

Daz turns to look at him, scoffing softly. “I undermined Dream’s mental health until he was completely dependent on me. Our base had a blackstone tile floor. He wouldn’t have been exposed to it if we hadn’t gone off on our own. I was the one who pushed for putting enchantments in people; I was the one who wrote half of that code. I was the one who–”

Expression twisting, Daz clutches his wrist. Day recalls that he usually wears a cuff, which is…oddly absent.

So are other claims, he realizes. Daz must have stripped them off before he came here.

“Dream called Tubbo over. He ordered me to kill him. I didn’t have time to fight it, so I just–”

Like he’s in a trance, Daz reaches out and then jabs his hand forward as though he’s piercing something with a sword.

Daz’s hands fall to his lap. “I had to bury my best friend. The only person who gave a shit about me for most of my life died, because of what I did. Because…because I didn’t want Dream to abandon me. Because he was everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed, and the idea of him turning his back on me like everyone but Tubbo had…it was unbearable.”

Gods, that’s– pretty fucking tragic. It’s not hard to see where the belief that he’s cursed would start.

He exhales softly and pulls Daz into a full hug. There’s only a moment where he tenses, and then Daz burrows into it like he needs it.

He probably does.

Like he does with his sons, he cards a hand through the kid’s hair. Daz presses his head up into it like a cat, the rest of him going boneless.

“Was it fucked up you did that? Yeah. But you’re in the company of plenty of others who did shitty things, you know.”

Daz mumbles, “I was planning to murder you in cold blood.” “Yeah, well– we have infinite lives here. As much as I’m not thrilled you wanted to, I can’t exactly be the thought police. Especially with everything involving– Innit.”

That name makes Daz flinch. “I didn’t have a choice but to let it out again. That was my second deal– Innit’s freedom in exchange for the ability for all of us to hear each other’s questions if we’re nearby. Lee’s, too.”

It seems disproportionate.

And then Daz tells him, “There had been too many instances of Observers being malicious or hurtful. I needed us to be able to hear if they said something cruel and mitigate potential damage. Everything I’ve done is– if Lee isn’t okay, then everything I’ve done is for nothing.”

The word is said with bitter emphasis, and Day winces at the way he’s seeing even more of how he used to be in Daz.

What a trainwreck this is. He folds his wings tighter around the kid and gets a soft laugh. “I don’t deserve your sympathy, but…this is nice. Maybe this is what Phil’s hugs would have been like. I don’t think I ever got one.”

Ah, well, that gives plenty of clues of where Daz’s trauma started from.

“I’ve hugged you before,” Theo protests, finally saying something to them instead of focusing on his quiet back-and-forth with Aster and Lee. 

Daz scoffs, “Not the same. None of the…dad energy.” “Still!” “It’s kind of sad you’re trying to be clingy with the guy who tried to use you to commit suicide.” “You’re not the first fuckin’ guy I’ve seen at rock bottom.”

The guy is quiet at that.

Eventually, Daz sighs. “I…can we do the rest of the explanation later? I don’t– I don’t think I can handle that right now.”

He pauses, and then adds, “And I need to clean up the stuff I left out. If Raine sees it, he’ll have a heart attack.”

Aster says, “You can make hoodies for him now that you know it won’t kill him.” “I do not need your opinions on literally anything related to me,” Daz snaps.

Wincing and looking away, Aster replies, “I’ve explained myself as much as I can. I’m still sorry– I never wanted this.”

There’s a bitter note in Daz’s voice. “Greedy asshole.” “I was already going to give you the wish. I wouldn’t be able to use it well, anyway.”

Theo inhales, likely to ask something, but Daz shakes his head. “Not right now. I need some time to just– process this.”

…Yeah, Day is pretty sure they all do.

“Alright. We can discuss the next steps in a day or two,” Day sighs.

It’ll do him good to get all of this straight in his head, too.

[veikkoalen]

thank you @theskoomacat <3 <3

nine things

Last Song: aurora - your blood (my favorite line is "when all inside you burns like a star / 'cause after all that's all what you are". my brain made up the second part)

Favorite Color: idk but everything non-monochrome i buy is blue

Last Movie/TV Show: i'm trying to watch von trier's riget but i can't sit still. i think i rewatched nightcrawler to the end but it was back in october

Sweet/Savory/Spicy: if i don't eat a teaspoon of sugar a day i die

Last Thing I Googled: wake photograph control

Current Obsession: alan wake the man

Last Book: death stranding novelization. it was in september

Last Fic: i actually wrote a fic today, but it's kinda a welcome entry to the bleach oc ask so idk how interesting is that. the last thing i read was deprivation by chaosdunk.

Looking Forward To: the weekend and the paycheck and also death too

@koriandrrr @collawashbear @kiyrian @tom-zane @pitchforkhead @entropicquilibriumofchaos hii

[benveydraws]

i can close my eyes, and let the things i can't change stay that way.

[aq2003]

does the human nature/family of blood arc know about the implication they made when characterizing john smith as someone who more than anything wants to live/is terrified of death and how that contrasts against ten in s3 who tries to sacrifice himself so many times to such a degree that it heavily reads as him being suicidal. "he was braver than you, you chose to change and he chose to die" That's sooo crazy <3 because every episode up until this arc has involved ten either trying to deprive himself of human connection (key word "trying". i'm so sorry martha), putting himself in harm's way ("you're getting careless, doctor"), or talking about how his long existence of unending grief has left him tired of living (yeah). so like anyway with all this in mind the scene of ten frying his brain to turn human while martha watches him scream in agony with the most horrified expression on her face does not look like "the doctor turns human to battle these monsters!" it's way more like "last episode the doctor got a taste of being dead and now they see the most opportune situation to do the closest possible thing to killing themself that they can. martha is traumatized by watching this happen". like. john smith is an entirely separate entity from the doctor to such a degree that he is actively taking part in teaching kids to become soldiers. ten might as well be dead in these episodes. and it's like Does the person who wrote this stupid fucking arc know about all this!!! "he chose to die" THATS SO CRAZY that after 2 full episodes he finally resolves himself to make the decision that the doctor would've done in an instant. i'm insane

[qtubbo]

Hey Fred and Tubbo’s current arc has a lot of underlying themes of suicide and depression, if those stuff are triggering to you please be careful in the tags and block “Tw Suicide Mention”, “Tw Suicidal Ideation”, “Tw Suicide”, and the versions without Tws. Also if someone isn’t tagging their posts it’s always okay to block, and do it for any reason honest. I’ll also tag anything you tell me to, and im sure others will do that aswell, stay safe.

[rockin-redrobin]

Girl help I’ve got one year later Tim on the brain. I’m enraptured and enthralled by how horrible of a time he’s having. Threeish years of comics is a relatively short time span and yet it gives me reasons to cry such as : “they were his colors” robin suit . Titans of tomorrow scene where Batman gives Tim a gun and then leaves the room. He gets fear gassed in face the face and it doesn’t stop him because he feels like all his worst fears have already come true. Robin 156. Robin 167. The Lazarus pit thing in resurrection of Ra’s Al Ghul. He is having the worst time guys. Guys . Bro please he just cannot catch a break. Waaugh. No one talk to me I’m having feelings.

[stonergirlfilmcanon]

honestly I think the anticlimactic ending of Louis and Armands relationship works in a way. there really does come a point when you've been manipulated and lied to and gaslit over and over again where you just snap. And the same tactics that were so effective just don't work. All it takes is that split moment where you say no. It's one moment we see Louis actually stand up to his abusers and leave, choose himself.

[soullessjack]

there’s like a kajillion micro-tragedies in jacks character but I really don’t think any of them hold a candle to him unintentionally killing his surrogate mother and being so traumatized and overwhelmed with guilt and the horrific realization that his life is literally crumbling overnight that he just went fully psychotic and started hallucinating the dude he’d just freshly burnt to a crisp, then hearing it tell him he was nothing to his family but a pet monster that they only kept around to kill enemies and that his father the literal devil is in his DNA and head and heart forever and he basically just can’t separate from who he is and also he’s a stupid pathetic idiot for wanting to have his life and family again where he’s hated and distrusted and never really belonged

[meimi-haneoka]

I'll finish replying to an ask from Aubretia later (if I don't fall asleep) but between that and some other stuff I saw again tonight, I think I might be ready to write a Clear Card Trivia post about the Squids and the Association. 🧐

It might be one of the most difficult posts I'll ever do (for the thematics implied) but I think it might be time to talk about this aspect of the story......since I never see anyone talking about it, if not in a way that totally misses their point in the narrative.

I hope it won't take too long to organize the thoughts in my head and write them down in an exhaustive, coherent and clear manner.

[soft-serve-soymilk]

More random head children musings (aside from the really sad one because that deserves better than a throwaway post):

Honestly I think it’s very fortunate that Dism’s team isn’t *entirely* comprised of lucid dreamers.

[oathofkaslana]

i didnt think kiana would be my blorbo type but then she’s so insanely self sacrificial in part bc of her love for others, her guilt, her family oath, and her passive suicidality

[aroacettorney]

when will aup sidestories return from war and stop leaving me bitter about how the main story ended

[batfamfixation]

Fun fact: I have read every comic book appearance of Deadpool up until 2021. I don't just mean his comics and team up comics, but also every comic issue he has "guest starred" in. All of them.

[themyscirah]

New suicide squad is fucking horrible yet again (surprise, surprise). No shade specifically on Maines because she could be doing it worse (see anything TT has done w Waller & the squad) but her Waller and everything dc has done with the character the past few years makes me want to bash my head in. Also love how they changed Waller's origin to be exactly opposite to what it was before in a really major way

Absolutely no respect at all. Lovely

[robocops-a-christ-allegory]

I haven't read it yet but here's my announcement my friend sent me screenshots of the new titans beast worlds where Peacemaker calls Nightwing pretty. I was right about how they're gonna write him being bi exclusively as him flirting with other men in a slightly boundary breaking way like how Deadpool was written for like 20 years. Dont fucking text.

[poisonousquinzel]

personally I think it's an improvement that we've evolved enough to care about the morals and personal views of the celebrities. I'd take people asking genuinely if so & so is problematic or has done anything questionable over people not caring at all. Indifference isn't a good when it comes to these influential people, especially because their views will be broadcast to a much larger audience regardless. It's a good thing to question the intentions of the richer celebrity folk in our world and to not trust in them blindly.