#sugar high means that I find things funny that probably aren't that funny

[kingofthewilderwest]

You Probably Shouldn’t Read That

Synposis: Edward Elric finds himself alone in Mustang’s office, and uses the opportunity to check out the colonel’s alchemy research notes. Research notes which are... despite being in his desk... not all that “safe for work.”

A/N: Heyyyy look who’s actually posting fanfiction! I wrote this sugar-high at 3 AM, though... don’t expect award-winning quality. ;)

The second Colonel Mustang left the room, Edward Elric darted for the desk.

Al stood up, confused and concerned, while his brother dived into every drawer, fishing out folders, papers, pens, reports, and what seemed to be an endless supply of paperclips. Seriously, an endless supply of paperclips: when Ed tried to chuck them out, he created a long-lasting hailstorm that clattered against his brother's metal shoulders. That shower lasted over ten seconds. And still the desk-searching continued. A few more sheets of paper. Fifteen hundred more paperclips. A paperweight. Five hundred more paperclips. Something that resembled an orange peel but was distinctly the wrong color. Three more paperclips. A paper airplane made from what might have been a confidential military report. Another paper airplane that was definitely a confidential military report.

Before Al could ask what Ed intended with this ransacking, the elder Elric brother shouted "BINGO!"

His hunched back straightened.

Ed brandished a simple leather journal.

Excitement twinkled in Edward's eyes.

Al knew that look. He shuffled forward, standing clear of the new mountain range of paperclips circling Mustang's desk, but tried to catch a glimpse at what his brother held.

"That's the colonel's alchemy research, isn't it?"

"Yup!"

"What do you need it for?"

"For something useful, of course." Ed buried his nose deep into Mustang's spider-scratched handwriting. "Don't you think fire transmutation would be cool?"

"I think 'cool' and 'useful' are two different things."

Ed ignored the comment. He mumbled a few lines under his breath, rolled his eyes at whatever he saw, and then flipped a few pages forward. The only thing Al could catch was "damn colonel" before Ed's muttering subsided.

They stood this way for several minutes: Al awkwardly hovering beyond the desk, Ed scrutinizing the text of unknown alchemical secrets.

Ed suddenly spoke.

"Get a load of this," he scoffed. He deepened his voice, mockingly imitating a radio advertiser - or maybe a certain colonel - and bellowed out the tag line: "Roy Mustang: his flames aren't ALL that's hot!"

"Brother…" Al sighed in ashamed exasperation. "Be serious and read the journal. Don't make something like that up."

"I'm not." Ed shoved the book in his brother's face, where Al could, indeed, find the colonel's blatant self-advertisement. Any hope that it wasn't an innuendo vanished. Armor withered in second-hand embarrassment. A once-proud suit of steel crumpled into a ball of discarded tin foil. Corrosion was not the key to deteriorating metal: all that was needed was a few lines of Colonel Mustang's creative writing.

Al handed the material back to his brother.

"He… he coded his alchemy research as a date journal."

"Shouldn't have expected anything else from that pervert."

Ed made sure to emphasize the word "pervert" with particular disdain.

The other Elric, however, spoke with discomfort. Distinct discomfort. "Brother, there might be an alchemy code in there, but this isn't very appropriate!"

"Eh. It's nothing you don't know already."

"Brother…"

"I think the word 'fuck' here is coded to mean 'transmutation'…"

"Brother…"

"Does every time he bang someone mean that his transmutation was a success, or…"

"BROTHER!"

"Wow, he even has his team coded in here. No clue who 'Bradykins' might be…"

"BROTHER?!"

"Al, I'm trying to concentrate. Okay, so, Breda's boobs…"

"BROTHER, THE COLONEL IS BACK!"

The entire room fell silent. Slowly, slowly, slowly, Ed forced his neck to turn. He twisted it away from the pages of the book. Looked past the desk. Noticed a pair of crossed arms. Noticed a black-eyed stare. Realized that Mustang was standing just a few feet away, boots buried in paperclips, as he glared down at the younger alchemist.

Well… perhaps 'glared' wasn't the perfect term here. There was some disappointment. Lots of annoyance. And some… was that… bemusement?

"What was that about boobs, Fullmetal?" he said, loudly enough that everyone else entering the room could hear him. It seemed that Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery were all returning from a lunch break. "I know puberty makes you -"

Ed snapped the alchemy book shut with one hand and slammed it into Mustang's chest. "Nothing," he hissed. Knowing he'd now long outstayed his welcome, and that Mustang would probably say something very untoward unless situations changed, Ed began stomping for the door, forcing Al to tiptoe after him.

But before Ed could slam the office door behind him, he heard voices igniting conversation. Mustang's officers appeared to be talking all at once, heating up to grill and taunt their superior.

One loud voice rose clear above the rest.

A bit more accusatory than the others.

Heymans Breda.

"SO THEN. COLONEL. DIDN'T KNOW. YOU CARED.

"WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT MY BOOBS?"

[rnisa]

Hello! I hope youre doing well. Can I please request Wammy boys + Light on how likely you are to trust them to watch your drink at the bar Thank you

I - N-NANI?! Also thank you, I am doing very well, yes! This request threw me for a loop LOL, took me a second to compose myself, very funny. I hope I answered this correctly! If you meant something else and I misunderstood, I apologize! Please feel free to let me know if I did this wrong asdfhjk;;;;

a/n: all memes aside, in my city there have legitimately been a lot of druggings lately, specifically at bars. please don't leave your drink unattended for even a second - if you look away from your drink, just chuck it.

˖ ⁺ .︶꒷꒦︶︶꒷꒦︶︶꒷꒦˖ ⁺ .

How Trustworthy Wammy Boys and Light Are to Watch Your Drink at the Bar

Mello - very trustworthy ★ Despite being an actual gangster, Mello drinks respecting women juice first thing in the morning.

★ He would be the one vigilantly keeping an eye on you, staring down any person giving you unwanted glances, and draping his arm around you - even if you aren't romantically involved - just as a warning to anyone who might have ill intentions.

★ Would straight up just shoot a bitch in the skull if they attempted to spike your drink.

L Lawliet - no 'cause he's gonna add weird shit to my drink ★ L is the one to actually spike your drink ... with sugar.

★ Think of Buddy the Elf.

★ He's adding tons of sugar to your already fruity drink, honey, syrup...you name it.

★ The only thing you're at risk for here is getting a sugar high and then crashing. Or throwing up. Or just being really, really mad at him for ruining your $14 drink.

★ As for watching your drink in general from others, expect him to intimidate the fuck and make a fool out of whatever sorry idiot tried.

★ Wouldn't want to stir a scene, but if it got physical he would kick the hell out of'em and get the both of you out of there as soon as possible.

Near - relatively useless in this situation but does his best ★ Let's face it, Near wouldn't be far without Rester or Lidner in the first place.

★ So that's three (3) tough p-

★ I mean two (2) tough people watching over you, and protecting you. And there's also Near but physically he's pretty useless.

★ However, if there were an instance of someone even thinking of spiking your drink, he would know. He is already concocting a plan of how to get them arrested.

★ Will catch their ass in 4k and likely trick the perpetrator into giving it away, then happily watch as the cops come to arrest'em.

Light - absolutely not ★ Okay sorry not sorry but Kira!Light would probably actually spike your drink himself. But not in this context? ★ He wouldn't hurt you but if you were close to finding out who he was and he liked you, he'd drug you so you're knocked out and then play off whatever conversation was happening prior to this as you having a dream, or being irresponsible and drinking too much.

★ Aka, gatekeep, girlboss, gaslighting you.

★ HOWEVER, as far as watching your drink at the bar, I can honestly say it depends on how he feels about you.

★ If he doesn't give the slightest care about you, or if he finds you annoying or worthless in some way, he doesn't care what happens to you - but he still would not let anything happen to you in his presence, and he most certainly would not let the criminal get away.

★ I can see him being sick enough to actually allow you to become drugged for his own amusement, but after witnessing that he would make sure to find a way to get their name and write their name in his death note.

★ Afterwards - if Light actually likes you, he would take you home and make sure you're alright. Again, I do think he's pretty fucked up and over time as Kira, as more and more of his humanity is lost, he would kind of be amused by this.

★ However, if Light loved you (where very few people of course fit into this category, and being "loved" by Light really isn't a whole lot) he would be absolutely pissed if somebody tried this. He wouldn't let it slide, of course - consider that person dead. However, Light's toxic in that he would be mad at you for "putting yourself in that situation". He would be even more protective, and constantly remind you of what could have happened, if he wasn't there, and guilt trip you into not going out to bars further.

★ If Light doesn't really care for you, I can see him doing the bare minimum and contacting someone who actually cares about you explaining the situation so they could go and get you. Still, he wouldn't allow a crime to take place so aside from being drugged, you would remain unharmed, and the person who tried to hurt you would die regardless. Either way, you're safe.

Sorry these were a bit short except for Light's! I don't force myself to write a certain amount for each, I kind of just go with the flow. Overall, none of them would let anything happen to you - aside from Light - but you would come out of this unharmed. All are trustworthy because, their differences aside, all abhor crime in some way.

[chaeryybomb]

nct dream reaction to their idol!reader girlfriend being shipped with another idol

anon: nct dream reaction to their idol!reader girlfriend being shipped with some other idol :) love your works btw. and thank you for this in advance

pairing: nct dream x idol!reader

genre: headcanons, fluff, crack

warnings: mentions of insecurities

a/n: dhsjdj technically my requests are closed rn but I decided I would write this out so I hope you enjoy this!

mark lee

confused boi™

tbh he wouldn't even notice you were being shipped with another idol until another member points it out

you were a special guest mc for the show and fans saw the cute interactions you had with the boyz juyeon

and soon enough fans started shipping the both of you together

in reality, you and juyeon were just high school friends and you were glad to see him again

fans on the other hand,,

mark didn't realise you were being shipped with juyeon until doyoung pointed it one day

and mark was all like

( ・◇・)？"nani? y/n and juyeon???"

he would then search up ynjuyeon on twitter because cough yeah

and found a shit ton of edits of the both of y'all

and now he's sad :((

he's sad that because no one shipped y'all together

"isn't your relationship a secret???"

"yeah but still :((("

mark sweetie y'all have neve interacted on stage before fjdjdndnd

he knows you love him and would never cheat on him

but boy is he going to be a pouty baby when y'all hang out next time

literally all he's going to say is:

"why do they ship you and him together?? why not me :(("

"mark they've never seen us in the same room before"

huang renjun

unbothered king™

at least that's what he tells you fhdjdj

he found out through a vlive fhdhdjj

it was one of the usernames and the username was like ynxyanan_shipper

and renjun mf squinted his eyes like

did I read that clearly ಠ_ಠ

he's like yn and wHO

chenle was beside him when it happened and chenle was like what's wrong

and renjun points out the username

and chenle starts lauGHING BECAUSE HE FINDS IT SO FUNNY

renjun smacks him on the head to tell him to shut up DHHSHDD

obviously he would take a screenshot of the username and sends it to you

and he's like

short king <3: do you hv something to confess to me

you: ,,, my love for you??

short king <3: blocked

you: HAHSAHS IM KIDDING

tbh you find the situation honestly really funny

cause you and yanan aren't exactly friends? you're more of acquaintances than friends

and you made eye contact one (1) time with him by accident at an award show and suddenly you're being shipped with him

when you call him the next time to hang out, definitely expect him to be salty about it fjdjfjd

"hey are you free to come over today?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask your BOYFRIEND yanan"

"renjun istg i will break up with you-"

lee jeno

oh baby boy is gonna be so so confused

he's going to be even more confused because you're being shipped with itzy's chaeryeong fhfhfjf

see you and chaeryeong were featured in an episode of a reality tv show once

and the both of y'all immediately hit it off and your friendship was just adorable

so y'all kept interacting every time y'all see each other

and y'all are now nicknamed as the 4th gen gfs because y'all are so adorable???

like the chaeryn ship ur most popular ship ever

so jeno is so confused?? like why is his gf being shipped with her??

he's like a whole ass puppy okay

you, on the other hand, find the chaeryn ship really cute so you don't mind it and you jokingly call chaeryeong your gf once or twice on live before fjdjfn

whenever you tell him that you're hanging out with chaeryeong, he will pout at you and give you his best puppy eyes

like he will cling onto you and try to convince you to now to go

it works like 13% of the time and you would cancel plans with chaer but most of time it doesn't and you would end up being late jhdjsh

but it will slowly become into an inside joke between y'all

like yk that one meme

"this is yn my girlfriend and her girlfriend chaeryeong"

kjdhkjshfs yeah that

but in all seriousness, jeno is really unbothered about you being shipped with chaeryeong because it basically has the same energy as him being shipped with jaemin

whenever y'all are having play fights, you jokingly threaten to leave him for chaeryeong jdsfjds and he immediately stops and says that's unfair

pls shower him in hugs and kisses later

lee haechan

definitely makes a fuss about it

i mean he knows that you aren't going to leave him and all but is he going to be dramatic about it? yes, yes he is

he finds out by himself because he was probably on twitter stalking your hashtag

when he suddenly stumbles upon and edit of you and ateez's san

he's like O.O wot is tHis?

screenshots the edit and sends it to you

hyuckie: yNNNN

hyuckie: THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

hyuckie: BABY

hyuckie: SUGAR BUM

hyuckie: DAISY PIE

you: what in, the ever loving fuck, is daisy pie

hyuckie: *sends screenshot* ARE U CHEATING ON ME

you: hyuck that pic is clearly edited

hyuckie: I KNOW BUT ARE YOU????

you: i-

he makes so much jokes about it that you literally have to shut him up with a kiss

jokes on u reader he's doing this on purpose to get those free kisses

the jokes stop when you actually finally meet san during a game show and shippers are like omg they finally interacted

and the amount of ynxsan edits just,, grow

haechan acts even salty about it and whines about why fan don't ship y'all together when y'all have made eye contact during the golden disk awards bc he was being a lil shit hdsjhfjds

"hey what if i keep staring at you during the melon so we can get into a scandal?"

"hyuck this is supposed to be a secret relationship-"

"yeah but-"

jokes on u he actually does stare at you at the next award show and thankfully did not get into any scandals, but fans started to ship the both of you!

na jaemin

the true unbothered king

literally does not care that you are shipped with someone else

because he knows that he is yours and vice versa

and plus you love him a lot so

he finds out from chenle, who did it out of spite because one day chenle was bored and wanted to cause some chaos

boi basically ran up to jaemin to shove an edit of you and treasurer's junkyu together and went like

"look hyung! ur gf is being shipped with someone eLsE"

"oh that's weird"

"rigHT"

"I thought people shipped her with treasurer's hyunsuk"

chenle is like

HUH???

"aren't you like,, jeaolous??"

jaemin just shrugs and says "hmm, not really"

jaemin knows that you are good friends wth a lot of idols because you're a social butterfly

so he truly doesn't mind when you get shipped with other idols bc in the end , he's the one holding you in his arms

plus he knows the edits and shippers are mostly harmless

and he trusts you

so he just fucks around with chenle jkldsfj

chenle is still confused bc he wants to rile jaemin up for fun but failed hjdshf

zhong chenle

if you thought haechan was dramatic, then you better buckle up for chenle's

so you see

fans already shipped u and chenle

like

y'all already have a dating scandal

and both companies tried so hard to defuse it

see you are an mc for a music show and you were interviewing nct dream

chenle, being the lil shit he is, kept giving you the heart eyes the entire time

and 6 months later, y'all got caught by dispatch on a daTe

ofc both sides were panicking but chenle was enjoying bc he's like "yeah this is my s/o and what abt it"

but y'all still had a dating ban so sm was this close in kicking him hfdsjfh

fortunately, they were able to cover it up as someone else so there's that

so chenle is aware that fans shipped the both of you together

so when he sees you being shipped with stray kid's jeongin

he was like "HOW DARE THEY-"

calls you to complain about the ship for 3 hours

and that is how you found out as well-

literally you don't even know jeongin so you just let chenle complain about it

he goes on and on about why fans should continue to ship y'all together so when he reveals the relationship the fans will be surprised but also not really at the same time-

"should i get into another scandal with you?"

"chenle no-"

park jisung

oh baby boy is going to be very, very confused

i mean he knows that shipping is a thing between fans

he's just confused why ppl would ship you and p1harmony's keeho

like you have never interacted with him so why would fans ship the both of y'all??

the dreamies mostly tell him to not take it serious but the chenle and haechan would egg him on

"get into a dating scandal with them"

"guys no-"

he wouldn't tell you that it bothers him because he doesn't want you laughing at him, worrying over a small issue

so honestly, it lowkey eats him up on the inside

until one day, you basically force it out of him because he's been acting weird for the past week

he finally confesses about the what's bothering him

and you tell him that you wouldn't have laughed at him

you know shipping idols is a common thing in the industry and sometimes it's uncomfortable knowing it when you're already in a relationship

but you also tell him that it's basically harmless because fans can't really force the both of y'all together

jisung would be insecure about the relationship because it's kinda of his first? so he just doesn't want to mess it up

just reassure him a lot and tell him that you won't leave him

and as time goes by, he just gets used to the shipping

[fountainpenguin]

I have a question about gynes. Why did Ambrosine want HP to get married so young in the Love Struck Out chapter? Aren't dominant gynes the ones with the instinct to fight? Wouldn't that put his life at risk?

There were lots of reasons Ambrosine wanted H.P. to marry as soon as possible. I think one of them was just, young H.P. was kind of a free spirit. He’s headstrong and stubborn and likes to do his own thing. If Ambrosine could get him to commit to someone and raise a family, there was hope that his son would step up to the plate and take responsibility.

That’s kind of H.P.’s main driving force: Before Sanderson was born, H.P. was a huge flake. He’s an extrovert. He loves hanging with friends, he loves raves, he loves drinking soda, he loves sugar. That’s one of the things that’s so funny to me- He’s not your typical pixie stereotype. “The Wanderings of the First and Alone” was mostly a timeskip chapter of H.P. skipping from town to town because his sassy butt couldn’t hold down a job for long. I guess I didn’t go into details, but his attitude was kind of, “I can do better and I don’t need you.”

Because here’s the thing. When it comes to his individual needs, H.P. is super low-maintenance. He’s a sarcastic party boy from a privileged background who’s never really known hard work or serious life struggles. Until he dropped out of the Academy, he never held a job beyond organizing files at Wish Fixers, (aka, working for dad). I mean, that scene from “Cutting Gingerties” when he tried to have a heart-to-heart with Anti-Sanderson about struggles with their respective dads really emphasizes how much H.P. has had everything handed to him on a silver platter. For crying out loud, his dad built him an entire village!

H.P. is the kind of guy who will skip meals to save himself money, who will warm himself up by sleeping in his coat instead of buying a blanket, who will let his roof leak and insist it doesn’t bother him, but he would never treat his dependents the way he treats himself. That’s why he risked the blizzard to go back for Sanderson. That’s why he married China despite how awfully their personalities clashed. That’s why he searched frantically for Hawkins when he feared the will o’ the wisps had captured him. That’s why he took in Wilcox instead of dumping him on Ambrosine for good. That’s why he let Longwood live instead of killing the young rival gyne. That’s why he does a lot of things.

I think Ambrosine figured this out while H.P. was still young. He recognized that an H.P. without a clear goal in mind is a wandering ball of sass who will fight everyone over everything. H.P. doesn’t have low self esteem, per se. He just… isn’t good with the concept of self-care. He sees himself as invincible, able to tough out any challenge. Why waste money on clothes when he can splurge on parties? But, he views his pixies as fragile things. An H.P. raising young pixies would never quit a job he would’ve turned up his nose at back when he lived alone and insisted that he could find something better. An H.P. with dependents counting on him is an H.P. who gets his butt in gear and works.

He is, against all odds, a family man.

So if H.P. had been married young, you can bet your crown he wouldn’t have gone to that party, gotten into that fight, and fled for Earth. He’d have had a very different life. But when people are depending on him, all of a sudden he starts thinking long-term. Being needed keeps him grounded. That’s why his biggest fear is athazagoraphobia- the fear of being forgotten or ignored. He needs to be making an obvious difference in someone’s life to feel like he’s worth something, or else his careless partying and drinking habits flare up.

I have a comic somewhere in my sketchpile that was basically me asking H.P. and Anti-Cosmo to say the first thing that came to mind when I said certain words. For “commitment”, H.P.’s answer was, “My one true purpose in life” with passion and sparkles in his eyes. Anti-Cosmo answered at the same time with one word: “Knives.” This would have been funnier if I had gotten it up before I revealed the whole kiff-tie thing. I seriously have around fifty comic ideas involving H.P. and Anti-Cosmo bouncing off each other…

From a parenting standpoint, that’s the overarching reason behind Ambrosine pushing H.P. into marriage- To give him that sense of stability, because if H.P. had a family to look after, then he’d care about going to school and securing a stable job so he could be a good provider to his wife and kids. H.P. needs to feel needed. And I mean, before H.P. proved himself a total flop at flirting, Ambrosine also wanted him to marry a rich lady. Good social status and all that. The Whimsifinado family were always of the higher class.

But to answer the gyne part of your question, dominant and subordinate gynes can get along decently. It’s when two dominant gynes clash that problems arise. Back when H.P. was going to school, there was a strict one gyne per school class policy that was intended to keep all gynes separate, because you never knew what might set them off. In Poof’s day and age, the population is higher, and gynes are forced to mingle more frequently. It’s the, “Let’s try to accept everyone and stop discriminating” time period, which also tends to be the, “Let’s pretend we’ve evolved to the point where those old biological instincts are considered nonsense / Just try harder!” time period.

There weren’t any established gynes in the small town of Novakiin where H.P. grew up, which is how a hotheaded fellow like him survived as long as he did. But again, Ambrosine is clever, and probably figured his smart-aleck son would end up challenging a dominant gyne someday… unless H.P. had secured a high enough rank that he didn’t consider fellow “dominant” gynes a threat.

By definition, “gyne” means “virgin female insect who is intended to become a breeder instead of a worker”. They’re basically the princesses raised to take over from the colony’s queen, or set out to start their own colonies. Once these gynes mate and are no longer virgins, they produce more dominant pheromones. Yes, I do research the mating habits of insects in detail a lot.

So for male Fairies, losing your virginity literally does up your social status, even if it’s on an unconscious level. Ambrosine’s goal in marrying off H.P., then, would be that once H.P. was paired off, he would hold a social advantage over other gynes. Kind of like leveling up to Level 10 over all the Level 5 subordinate guys. So there was also a biological reason behind wanting H.P. to start a family. Ambrosine loves his son and wants him to be strong and safe, and stop killing people he doesn’t like. We know how well that turned out.