#suddenly remembering why I’ve never rewatched it before

[littleglasselephants]

Journey’s End really is so devastating, the Doctor goes from having all his most beloved people around him flying the TARDIS together and he’s found Rose and Donna is on top of the world and then within 15 minutes Rose is gone and Donna’s memories are gone and he is just completely alone like Jesus Christ did they have to go that hard???

[kimberleyjean]

The Ineffable Detective Agency Presents: What Happened in Before the Beginning?

Hello Good Omens clue hunters and detectives! I’m super excited to share what we’ve discovered in Before the Beginning. Read on if you want to see what no one else has spotted yet!

To put a long story short, something is “up” about Good Omens - Season 2 in particular. While the eagle-eyed have documented a number of odd things in Season 2 already (summarised here), I’ve never seen anyone call into question what was presented during the Before the Beginning scene. Let’s take a closer look shall we?

Remember this scroll to start the nebula? Well, guess what - it changes!

Here’s the first scroll we see on screen, I’m going to call this the “new” scroll. Note the straight edges and completely pristine look, like brand new paper:

Then suddenly, here’s what it looks like as they start up the nebula:

Whoa, that’s looking pretty old and ragged! It’s got rips, a bit of discolouration, several wavy bends running through it. That’s a significantly more worn scroll than we were just shown. Let’s show that in close up just to be sure:

Yup, that’s certainly not meant to be the same scroll!

During this scene, the old scroll is seen again during the close up of Aziraphale holding it. However, once Crowley instructs him to put it down, it’s the new scroll again. (And then at this point it disappears into hammerspace like in a cartoon, or drifts off into space, never to be seen again).

So... there's TWO scrolls?

Well, yes, but also, no. If you're wondering, “Are they both real scrolls? Are you telling me they had two on set?” the short answer is no, this was done with VFX. To explain why we know this, I’m going to hand over to our resident Art Director, @noneorother:

Hi all, @noneorother here. Sure. So it's mostly to do with the shadow inside the scroll curls and under the right hand side curl. You can see when it's the real scroll that the shadows are all orange or brown, because of sub-surface scattering:

It happens when light partially passes through a thin porous object like skin or paper. So when the scroll is new, it's real. Where they've added "scroll is old now" VFX on top of the shots, it's very well tracked, but there's no more sub-surface scattering because it's VFX, not filmed. So the shadows are now base-black inside the curl and to the right hand side of the image. This is the VFX scroll here:

They already perfectly tracked the astronomy animation into the center of the scroll, so they had all that tracking info just sitting around. It wouldn't have been very expensive to add the "old scroll" the way they did it (the cheap and dirty way).

Thanks @noneorother! So there we have it folks, the Good Omens team have intentionally designed some shots with the old-looking VFX scroll and some without. They had the assets created for the old scroll and the tracking to place it correctly, so how could they possibly make the “mistake” of adding it sometimes but not others? This wasn’t a budget thing. If it were budget related, they wouldn’t have created the old scroll VFX in the first place.

Personally, I think this discontinuity was to tell us, the dedicated rewatchers, that what we initially saw in S2 was not the whole story. There is something else at play during S2. Something that, depending on what we find, may make S3 even more enjoyable.

So, why do this? Is this scene being conveyed from different perspectives? Are we viewing different characters’ memories of the same event? If so, why would that be important? Is someone tampering with past events? Did “Before the Beginning” happen multiple times and we’ve seen a spliced together version? What do you think?

One More Question...

The other question worth asking here (which Aziraphale helpfully asks for us) is “which way up” does the scroll go? Look closely at the central rings.

Is it the top version (small rings to the right)?

Or the lower version (small rings to the left)?

... and what happens if you create a nebula upside down, I wonder? Here I’m reminded of the Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square lyrics:

The moon that lingered over London Town Poor puzzled moon, he wore a frown How could he know we two were so in love The whole darn world seemed upside down

In a season where something is going "Down in the Up", and the answer to Gabriel’s mystery is achieved by turning the delivery box upside down, this is yet another up-down reversal we can add to the list!

..................................................................................

If you’ve been following our Good Omens posts up until now, you’ll be aware that this is not the only time scenes have been inconsistent or discontinuous. If this is new to you, please check out my summary post on Season 2 discontinuity here. For more of our posts, plus a collection of Clues and metas from all over the fandom, see here.

However, there is still more to come, so watch out for future updates. If you’re not currently puzzling over Good Omens and would like to join in, please do! We’d love to hear what you find - you can use the tag #ineffable mystery.

Special thanks to @noneorother, @embracing-the-ineffable, and to all the other lovely people at @ineffable-detective-agency (@theastrophysicistnextdoor, @ghstptats, @somehow-a-human, @lookingatacupoftea, @dunkthebiscuit @havemyheartaziraphale, @komorezuki, @251-dmr, @maufungi).

[girltalkcollectives]

The Barbie Scene That Had Us All Ugly Crying in the Theater (You Know the One)

I wasn’t prepared to have an existential crisis about womanhood while eating overpriced movie theater popcorn, but there I was, mascara running down my face, as America Ferrera started that speech in Barbie.

You know exactly which one I’m talking about.

“It is literally impossible to be a woman.”

And just like that, I felt seen in a way that hit differently than any feminist text or empowerment speech ever had. Because here was this regular mom, in a movie about a plastic doll, putting into words everything I’ve felt but couldn’t explain since I was old enough to understand what being a woman meant.

I glanced around the theater, and I swear you could feel it — this collective moment of recognition from every woman in the room. Like we were all simultaneously remembering every time we’d been too much and not enough, all at once.

The thing is, I didn’t walk into that theater expecting to confront every contradiction I’ve ever lived through. I was just there for the pink aesthetics and Margot Robbie’s outfits. But then Gloria started talking about how we’re supposed to be extraordinary but somehow always doing it wrong, and suddenly I was thinking about every time I’d dimmed my own light to make others comfortable.

“Always stand out and always be grateful.”

I felt that line in my soul. I remember a time last year when I got a 100 on a final exam for one of my college classes. I literally prefaced telling my friends with “It’s not really a big deal, but…” Why? Because I’d rather downplay my success than risk being seen as boastful.

The part about never admitting we’re doing any of it unless we want to be called difficult? I actually snorted in the theater (sorry to the people behind me). Because right before I went to see that movie, my roommate called me “high maintenance” for having basic boundaries about cleaning schedules. The bar is literally in hell.

Sitting there, watching this scene, I thought about every woman in my life who’s lived this impossible paradox. My mom, who was told she was “too aggressive” for asking for a raise after 15 years at her company. My best friend, who got called “difficult” for turning down a guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Me, being told I’m “too sensitive” for calling out sexist jokes while also being told “too cold” for not laughing at them.

You want to know the most ironic part? Some critics called this speech “too on the nose” or “heavy-handed.” And isn’t that exactly what Gloria was talking about? Even when we perfectly articulate the impossible standards we face, we get criticized for how we articulate them.

I left that theater feeling different. Not because anything had changed, really, but because finally, someone had named this thing we’ve all been feeling. In a summer blockbuster. In hot pink. In a movie about a literal plastic doll.

Sometimes I rewatch that scene on Tiktok when I need to remember I’m not crazy for feeling overwhelmed by these contradictions. When I need to remember that every woman I know is doing this impossible dance of being everything and nothing all at once.

To the woman who sat next to me in the theater and offered me a tissue during that scene without saying a word — thank you. To America Ferrera for delivering those lines like she was reading from my diary — thank you. To Greta Gerwig for sneaking this truth bomb into a movie about Barbie — thank you.

And to every woman reading this who’s ever felt like she’s failing at being a woman because the requirements are impossible — you're not alone. We’re all just trying to navigate this pink paradox together.

[imzadi-caskett-huddy]

Hell Hath No Fury Chapter 3

Once again, I really cannot express how overwhelming the response to this very unplanned story has been. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. I really try to thank each person who reviews personally, but those of you who review as a guest or without an email account attached, I can’t thank…but I appreciate all of your reviews and the fact you took the time to read this story!

I know you all have been waiting for this chapter, but I needed to rewatch “Knockout” and “Rise” again before I felt I could do this chapter justice, because I didn’t want to mess something up. And I was close enough in my season 3 rewatch that I was almost there, so I didn’t want to skip ahead (also, sorry…I did watch the LA episode a couple of times…it’s one of my favorites, so it delayed me a little).

More than one person has expressed interest in seeing Castle’s dad help Beckett find the shooter…and I’m going to sit the record straight here. He will not be a part of this story. I’m sorry to those of you who really wanted to see that interaction, but I’m not doing it here. His father was not a part of the show this early on, and I’d like to keep it that way here. Plus the shooting took place because of Beckett’s mother’s case; she was the target. There wouldn’t have been a shooting if not for that, so I don’t see a reason to bring him into the story.

Now that I’ve had my morning therapeutic cry…thank you Stana for that…I know you guys are all waiting for Castle and Beckett to see each other. I really hope it lives up to your expectations. So here we go…and I still don’t own Castle…or the characters…unfortunately.

xxxxx

Beckett had been in a hurry to get to the hospital to see him, but now that she was there, walking through the doors that led to the ICU, her pace had slowed; she suddenly realized she didn’t know what she was even going to say. She knew she would have to say something…staring was creepy. But what was she supposed to say to the man who saved her life, who had taken the bullet meant for her? She paused outside his door for one more moment before putting her hands in the pockets of her black leather jacket, effectively tugging it tighter around her.

Stepping inside the room silently, she offered him a smile. “Hey,” was the only word that she was able to get out right then. Seeing him alive, awake sent a small wave of relief through her. For the first time since the shooting she began to believe that maybe he really would be okay.

“Hey,” he replied, still offering her a small smile despite his discomfort.

Martha looked between the two and noticed the tension. She stood then, nudging Alexis gently. “Come on, Alexis. Why don’t we go home and get some real dinner and a hot shower?” she suggested to the girl.

“But I want to stay!” Alexis tried to protest.

“Nonsense. Your father is awake and doing well now. We both need to clean up, and I am not ashamed to say that my days of being able to sleep in contorted positions in chairs are far behind me,” Martha replied.

“Grams is right, Alexis. Go home and rest up. I’ll be fine, and you can come back tomorrow after school,” Castle told his daughter, his voice sounding tired, weak, more hollow than his normal excited exuberance.

“Fine. But you better do what the doctors tell you,” Alexis warned her father.

“Scout’s honor,” he offered his daughter the best smile he could muster.

Alexis simply rolled her eyes. “You were never a scout.”

Beckett couldn’t help but crack a smile at that, looking down at her feet as she remembered their first case together when he’d tried the same line on her, and she’d bought it. “Don’t worry, Alexis. I’ll make sure your dad follows doctor’s orders,” she offered the girl a smile.

Alexis seemed to accept that. She did know the detective cared about her father very much and was more than capable of keeping him in line.

“There, now you see? It’s settled. Richard, I expect you to be a good patient. We’ll come back and see you tomorrow,” she told her son, giving his cheek a soft kiss. “Katherine, he’s all yours. Good luck,” she said simply, knowing her son was not the best patient.

“Night Dad,” Alexis kissed her father’s cheek as well. She started to go out of the room, but turned back to Beckett. “Call if he’s not listening.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I won’t have a problem,” Beckett replied to the girl. Once the door had closed behind both redheads, she turned back to Castle and really studied him. He was pale, obviously in discomfort; the way his voice had sounded when he spoke was not like she was used to hearing from him at all. She couldn’t help the fresh waves of guilt that washed over her. She had so many things to say to him…so many things that they needed to talk about…but she wasn’t sure what to say to him; and it seemed like for once, he wasn’t sure what to say to her either.

“How are you doing?” Beckett finally asked him softly. She figured that was a relatively safe topic.

Castle shrugged slightly, wincing at the motion. “The doctor said he still wants to monitor me for some things in the next 24 hours. But as long as I don’t set off any alarms, they should move

me down to a regular room tomorrow afternoon,” he answered, studying her every bit as much as she’d been studying him, trying to gauge what she was feeling, what she was thinking. They’d had the huge fight where she’d said they were over, but then Montgomery had sacrificed himself for her, then with the funeral and the shooting, they hadn’t had a chance to talk at all.

Nodding, she was silent again for a moment before taking a step closer to his beside. Her fingers wanted to take his hand, but her brain stopped them. “Thank you…for saving my life,” she murmured softly, meeting his eyes for the first time since she’d entered the room and doing her best to mask her emotions from showing in her own.

“That’s what partners do, right?” he replied. He did shift his hand to take hers then, the pain medicine he was on making him a little braver than normal. He figured she wouldn’t pull away from the touch anyway; she had taken his hand before in moments of comfort.

“Is that what we are? Partners?” she softly repeated the words from their earlier argument. “Just try not to make a habit out of getting shot, ok?” she tried to joke…deflect and lighten the mood the way he effortlessly did so often, but it fell flat on her lips. Why was she so bad at this; why was this so hard? She was a very articulate woman, so why couldn’t she just communicate how she was feeling?

He gently squeezed her hand, sensing she had more to say and hoping that if he waited her out a little, she might continue. He was slightly rewarded for his patience when she stuck out her foot and hooked it around the chair leg to scoot it closer to the bed so that she could sit next to him without having to release his hand. That was positive at least.

She looked at their joined hands for a moment, trying to find the words to say. “I’m really glad you’re okay, Castle…” she started, pausing then and swallowing hard. She needed to get through this; she felt like after everything that had happened between them, everything that had been spoken…and unspoken… between them, she owed him at least this much. “I was so worried…if you hadn’t made it…” she tried again, feeling a few tears stinging her eyes and she did her best to blink them away.

“Kate…” he interrupted her softly. “I’m okay. I’m right here.”

She looked at him then, no longer able to hide the emotions in her eyes. “I watched you die in that ambulance, Rick. And for a minute, my heart stopped too,” she admitted, her voice laced with emotion that she usually held back.

He wasn’t sure what to make of her confession, and wondered for a moment if the medication floating through his system was making him read more into it than what she might really be trying to tell him.

“It was like that night my mother was murdered all over again, only worse…because that bullet was meant for me.”

He realized then maybe it really was the medication after all, because what she was saying right now seemed to be coming more from a place of guilt than what he had hoped had been her feelings for him.

She got quiet then, bringing her free hand up to wipe a stray tear from her cheek. “Why the hell would you think you should take a bullet for me?”

He wasn’t sure how to answer that question; well, he knew the answer, but he wasn’t sure how receptive she’d be to it. “To be fair, I was only trying to save you, not actually take the bullet for you…” he tried to lighten the mood a little.

“I’m serious, Rick.”

There she was using his first name again. “Because…” he started, swallowing hard then. “Because you’re my partner. I’m supposed to have your back,” he chickened out of telling her the real reason. This wasn’t the place for that conversation. Besides, she had a boyfriend, he reminded himself. Not that he particularly cared about Josh or his feelings, but he knew she wasn’t a cheater, and he wouldn’t intentionally put her in that position.

She remained silent for a moment then, looking back to their hands. Apparently he was no more ready to jump than she was. Maybe that was a good thing; maybe they both needed to get through this whole situation before they could jump. She knew, though…both of them knew, really…that the feelings for each other were deeper than friendship at this point, or even partnership. But they weren’t ready…certainly the hospital was not the place for the conversation. For now…for now, this would have to be enough.

“I hear I have Motorcycle Boy to thank for saving my life,” he commented then, changing the subject. “Tell him thanks.”

She stiffened slightly at the mention of Josh. “I did,” she answered, unable to look at him for a moment. She really should tell him. “But Josh and I…we aren’t…we broke up...” she trailed off. Why couldn’t she just find the right words to say? Why was talking to him like this so hard?

“Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say; the fact that she was no longer with the doctor was surprising. She’d seemed to like him enough; the last time they’d really brought him up, she was ready to try to make their relationship work. And he was certainly around enough now…he saw the two together all the time, and it had hurt thinking they might be becoming more serious. “I’m sorry,” he felt the need to say. He wasn’t sorry that Josh was gone…but he was sorry if she was hurt by it.

She finally looked at him again. “Don’t be,” she said softly. “I wasn’t being fair to him," she started. "I really, really liked him…but that wasn’t enough anymore. Our relationship just wasn’t what either of us wanted it to be…and someone told me I have a habit of staying in relationships with men I don’t love,” she added quietly, her words leaving a lot unspoken.

Her words surprised him; she’d actually listened, and acted based on what he’d said. Though part of him did wonder if they would be having this conversation had he not been shot. “Really? Sounds like a smart person…a genius, really,” he smirked slightly, trying to lighten the mood.

His attempt to get her to smile succeeded; she couldn’t hide the slight grin as she rolled her eyes. “A genius, huh?”

He nodded. “It’s true.”

Shaking her head, she let her fingers gently play with his. “Not a genius…just someone who really knows me,” she gave him an almost shy smile then, letting her words hopefully heal some of what had been said in anger during their fight when she’d told him that he didn’t know her. He did know her…better than anyone, she’d realized. She was just used to keeping everyone at arms length; the fact that someone got that close to her had made her panic.

He returned her smile. “Still…he sounds like a smart man. And brave…you’re scary when you’re angry,” he joked.

She gave a soft laugh at that. “He is,” she met his eyes. After a few moments of silently gazing in his eyes, she took a deep breath and released it slowly, finally looking away from him. “You should rest. I’m sure you’re tired,” she realized then.

“Yeah,” he admitted, shifting slightly in his bed. “You should go home,” he added. When she stood, he squeezed her hand. “I mean home as in your apartment. Not the precinct.”

She stood still for a moment, no longer surprised that he knew exactly what she was most likely planning to do. “Castle, I need to see if the boys found anything.”

“You can check that tomorrow.” He knew she’d be working the case; it was connected to her mother. The shooter had been after her. He knew there was no way of getting her to back down now.

“Castle, I’m fine,” she insisted, trying to reassure him.

“Kate…” he started, but stopped when she pulled her hand away from his.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Castle,” she stated, and with one last smile in his direction, she left.

He sighed in frustration. She was the most maddening, infuriating, stubborn woman he had ever met.

xxxxx

“Tell me you found something,” Beckett stated as she passed Esposito’s desk on the way to hers. Tossing her jacket on the back of the chair, she perched on the edge of her desk, giving the murder board her full attention.

“How’s Castle?” Ryan asked.

“Awake,” she answered simply.

“Did you ask him if he remembers anything?” Esposito came to perch on the edge of Beckett’s desk next to her in a stance usually adopted by Castle.

She shook her head. “No. He just woke up; I didn’t want to ask for details yet. I’ll go back tomorrow after he’s had a chance to rest and process what happened.”

“Yeah, well, something had to have tipped him off to tackle you the way he did,” Esposito pointed out.

“Hopefully he saw something, but the way the shooter has been able to cover his tracks and just disappear, I’m not going to hold my breath,” she leaned back slightly on her hands as she worked her way through the evidence once more. “There has to be something we’re missing; someone had to have seen something. The shooter had to have left some kind of DNA behind…some lead for me to follow.”

Esposito shook his head. “Not necessarily. If the guy is former special forces, he’s going to know how to become a ghost. It’s part of the training.”

She knew he was right. She’d been a cop long enough to know that professional hits were the hardest to track down; as good as she was, even she couldn’t run down a lead if there was nothing for her to run with. “Then we have to draw the ghost out of the shadows.”

Ryan approached the two then. “How do you draw out someone who doesn’t want to be found?”

“By giving him what he wants,” she stated simply. When the two men exchanged questioning glances and looked back at her, she continued. “Me.”

xxxxx

Thanks again to everyone who reads and reviews. I love hearing all your feedback and comments. I hope you all continue to enjoy the story!

[coredrill]

okaaaaaaaaay bravernine thoughts. lol (lots of lulu)

i have never been more intrigued and confused and clueless abt where this show is going to go and i am HOOKED. i called my one (1) shot in abt smith dying in ep8 and so now i am just along for the wacky ride until the end!!!!!!!!!! also my understanding of time travel stories is very poor compared to my understanding of wow cool robot stories so that is undoubtedly a part of it FNDNFBJD

i’ll probs catch more on a rewatch and others have pointed this out but. it seemed like the “timeline” changed right when we got the ep1 flashback/eyecatch? like that’s when hibiki’s arm wound vanished and switched to her head, and wehn we saw hiro again, and also lulu’s demeanor switched from being sad to more determined? so like. i wouldn’t be surprised if lulu shenanigans happened as well in that time…………

also lulu. obviously bravern is smith + knuth + brainwave bot but i would NOT be surprised if there was some of lulu in there too. since her brainwaves were in there too? which would make sense as another ingredient in the bravern soup, if he gets his clinginess and more childish demeanor from her in addition to his horniness from knuth and his heroic attitude and love for isami from smith. which is maybe why, after the “timeline switch” i just mentioned (idk what else to call it) lulu suddenly Knows Smith’s In There in a way she didn’t SEEM to before? like she called bravern “smith” ofc but this was like. deliberate in a different manner imo. idk. lulu is up to Some Shit tho and like everthing else i am SOOOOOOOOOO excited to see it !!!!!!!!!!!!

i know i keep making haha funnies abt smith trying to outgay kaworu and like. when it comes to queers in mecha anime i rly don’t think anything can reasonably “outdo” eva due to its impact (heh) and the fact kaworu and shinji did all that in 1996 but like. lewis smith is putting in the bravest effort i’ve seen by a LONG shot……………….what if that tokubro u met in hawaii loved you so much he became your undead horny super robot soulmate (“hey tumblr user coredrill what if you stopped beating this joke format to death” LISTEN i think its funny still. lmao)

hmmmmm i feel like i had more to say but. i forgor lmao. surely this won’t be like every other week where i am like “these are all of my thoughts 😇” and then i continue to make AND ANOTHER THING posts every 3 hours like clockwork. surely things will be different this time. surely i am not also stuck in a timelo

OH WAIT I REMEMBERED. but yeah i was just thinking abt how like. smith gets so fucking angry abt how the lulu are used and so when he contributes to bravern he makes it so that isami can pilot him safely. and not a lulu-pod-scenario. because he loves lulu and he loves isami. i am going to tear my skin off of my own body

[41319kbex]

Hell Hath No Fury (3/?)

Once again, I really cannot express how overwhelming the response to this very unplanned story has been. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. I really try to thank each person who reviews personally, but those of you who review as a guest or without an email account attached, I can’t thank…but I appreciate all of your reviews and the fact you took the time to read this story!

I know you all have been waiting for this chapter, but I needed to rewatch “Knockout” and “Rise” again before I felt I could do this chapter justice, because I didn’t want to mess something up. And I was close enough in my season 3 rewatch that I was almost there, so I didn’t want to skip ahead (also, sorry…I did watch the LA episode a couple of times…it’s one of my favorites, so it delayed me a little).

More than one person has expressed interest in seeing Castle’s dad help Beckett find the shooter…and I’m going to sit the record straight here. He will not be a part of this story. I’m sorry to those of you who really wanted to see that interaction, but I’m not doing it here. His father was not a part of the show this early on, and I’d like to keep it that way here. Plus the shooting took place because of Beckett’s mother’s case; she was the target. There wouldn’t have been a shooting if not for that, so I don’t see a reason to bring him into the story.

Now that I’ve had my morning therapeutic cry…thank you Stana for that…I know you guys are all waiting for Castle and Beckett to see each other. I really hope it lives up to your expectations. So here we go…and I still don’t own Castle…or the characters…unfortunately.

xxxxx

Beckett had been in a hurry to get to the hospital to see him, but now that she was there, walking through the doors that led to the ICU, her pace had slowed; she suddenly realized she didn’t know what she was even going to say. She knew she would have to say something…staring was creepy. But what was she supposed to say to the man who saved her life, who had taken the bullet meant for her? She paused outside his door for one more moment before putting her hands in the pockets of her black leather jacket, effectively tugging it tighter around her.

Stepping inside the room silently, she offered him a smile. “Hey,” was the only word that she was able to get out right then. Seeing him alive, awake sent a small wave of relief through her. For the first time since the shooting she began to believe that maybe he really would be okay.

“Hey,” he replied, still offering her a small smile despite his discomfort.

Martha looked between the two and noticed the tension. She stood then, nudging Alexis gently. “Come on, Alexis. Why don’t we go home and get some real dinner and a hot shower?” she suggested to the girl.

“But I want to stay!” Alexis tried to protest.

“Nonsense. Your father is awake and doing well now. We both need to clean up, and I am not ashamed to say that my days of being able to sleep in contorted positions in chairs are far behind me,” Martha replied.

“Grams is right, Alexis. Go home and rest up. I’ll be fine, and you can come back tomorrow after school,” Castle told his daughter, his voice sounding tired, weak, more hollow than his normal excited exuberance.

“Fine. But you better do what the doctors tell you,” Alexis warned her father.

“Scout’s honor,” he offered his daughter the best smile he could muster.

Alexis simply rolled her eyes. “You were never a scout.”

Beckett couldn’t help but crack a smile at that, looking down at her feet as she remembered their first case together when he’d tried the same line on her, and she’d bought it. “Don’t worry, Alexis. I’ll make sure your dad follows doctor’s orders,” she offered the girl a smile.

Alexis seemed to accept that. She did know the detective cared about her father very much and was more than capable of keeping him in line.

“There, now you see? It’s settled. Richard, I expect you to be a good patient. We’ll come back and see you tomorrow,” she told her son, giving his cheek a soft kiss. “Katherine, he’s all yours. Good luck,” she said simply, knowing her son was not the best patient.

“Night Dad,” Alexis kissed her father’s cheek as well. She started to go out of the room, but turned back to Beckett. “Call if he’s not listening.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I won’t have a problem,” Beckett replied to the girl. Once the door had closed behind both redheads, she turned back to Castle and really studied him. He was pale, obviously in discomfort; the way his voice had sounded when he spoke was not like she was used to hearing from him at all. She couldn’t help the fresh waves of guilt that washed over her. She had so many things to say to him…so many things that they needed to talk about…but she wasn’t sure what to say to him; and it seemed like for once, he wasn’t sure what to say to her either.

“How are you doing?” Beckett finally asked him softly. She figured that was a relatively safe topic.

Castle shrugged slightly, wincing at the motion. “The doctor said he still wants to monitor me for some things in the next 24 hours. But as long as I don’t set off any alarms, they should move

me down to a regular room tomorrow afternoon,” he answered, studying her every bit as much as she’d been studying him, trying to gauge what she was feeling, what she was thinking. They’d had the huge fight where she’d said they were over, but then Montgomery had sacrificed himself for her, then with the funeral and the shooting, they hadn’t had a chance to talk at all.

Nodding, she was silent again for a moment before taking a step closer to his beside. Her fingers wanted to take his hand, but her brain stopped them. “Thank you…for saving my life,” she murmured softly, meeting his eyes for the first time since she’d entered the room and doing her best to mask her emotions from showing in her own.

“That’s what partners do, right?” he replied. He did shift his hand to take hers then, the pain medicine he was on making him a little braver than normal. He figured she wouldn’t pull away from the touch anyway; she had taken his hand before in moments of comfort.

“Is that what we are? Partners?” she softly repeated the words from their earlier argument. “Just try not to make a habit out of getting shot, ok?” she tried to joke…deflect and lighten the mood the way he effortlessly did so often, but it fell flat on her lips. Why was she so bad at this; why was this so hard? She was a very articulate woman, so why couldn’t she just communicate how she was feeling?

He gently squeezed her hand, sensing she had more to say and hoping that if he waited her out a little, she might continue. He was slightly rewarded for his patience when she stuck out her foot and hooked it around the chair leg to scoot it closer to the bed so that she could sit next to him without having to release his hand. That was positive at least.

She looked at their joined hands for a moment, trying to find the words to say. “I’m really glad you’re okay, Castle…” she started, pausing then and swallowing hard. She needed to get through this; she felt like after everything that had happened between them, everything that had been spoken…and unspoken… between them, she owed him at least this much. “I was so worried…if you hadn’t made it…” she tried again, feeling a few tears stinging her eyes and she did her best to blink them away.

“Kate…” he interrupted her softly. “I’m okay. I’m right here.”

She looked at him then, no longer able to hide the emotions in her eyes. “I watched you die in that ambulance, Rick. And for a minute, my heart stopped too,” she admitted, her voice laced with emotion that she usually held back.

He wasn’t sure what to make of her confession, and wondered for a moment if the medication floating through his system was making him read more into it than what she might really be trying to tell him.

“It was like that night my mother was murdered all over again, only worse…because that bullet was meant for me.”

He realized then maybe it really was the medication after all, because what she was saying right now seemed to be coming more from a place of guilt than what he had hoped had been her feelings for him.

She got quiet then, bringing her free hand up to wipe a stray tear from her cheek. “Why the hell would you think you should take a bullet for me?”

He wasn’t sure how to answer that question; well, he knew the answer, but he wasn’t sure how receptive she’d be to it. “To be fair, I was only trying to save you, not actually take the bullet for you…” he tried to lighten the mood a little.

“I’m serious, Rick.”

There she was using his first name again. “Because…” he started, swallowing hard then. “Because you’re my partner. I’m supposed to have your back,” he chickened out of telling her the real reason. This wasn’t the place for that conversation. Besides, she had a boyfriend, he reminded himself. Not that he particularly cared about Josh or his feelings, but he knew she wasn’t a cheater, and he wouldn’t intentionally put her in that position.

She remained silent for a moment then, looking back to their hands. Apparently he was no more ready to jump than she was. Maybe that was a good thing; maybe they both needed to get through this whole situation before they could jump. She knew, though…both of them knew, really…that the feelings for each other were deeper than friendship at this point, or even partnership. But they weren’t ready…certainly the hospital was not the place for the conversation. For now…for now, this would have to be enough.

“I hear I have Motorcycle Boy to thank for saving my life,” he commented then, changing the subject. “Tell him thanks.”

She stiffened slightly at the mention of Josh. “I did,” she answered, unable to look at him for a moment. She really should tell him. “But Josh and I…we aren’t…we broke up...” she trailed off. Why couldn’t she just find the right words to say? Why was talking to him like this so hard?

“Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say; the fact that she was no longer with the doctor was surprising. She’d seemed to like him enough; the last time they’d really brought him up, she was ready to try to make their relationship work. And he was certainly around enough now…he saw the two together all the time, and it had hurt thinking they might be becoming more serious. “I’m sorry,” he felt the need to say. He wasn’t sorry that Josh was gone…but he was sorry if she was hurt by it.

She finally looked at him again. “Don’t be,” she said softly. “I wasn’t being fair to him," she started. "I really, really liked him…but that wasn’t enough anymore. Our relationship just wasn’t what either of us wanted it to be…and someone told me I have a habit of staying in relationships with men I don’t love,” she added quietly, her words leaving a lot unspoken.

Her words surprised him; she’d actually listened, and acted based on what he’d said. Though part of him did wonder if they would be having this conversation had he not been shot. “Really? Sounds like a smart person…a genius, really,” he smirked slightly, trying to lighten the mood.

His attempt to get her to smile succeeded; she couldn’t hide the slight grin as she rolled her eyes. “A genius, huh?”

He nodded. “It’s true.”

Shaking her head, she let her fingers gently play with his. “Not a genius…just someone who really knows me,” she gave him an almost shy smile then, letting her words hopefully heal some of what had been said in anger during their fight when she’d told him that he didn’t know her. He did know her…better than anyone, she’d realized. She was just used to keeping everyone at arms length; the fact that someone got that close to her had made her panic.

He returned her smile. “Still…he sounds like a smart man. And brave…you’re scary when you’re angry,” he joked.

She gave a soft laugh at that. “He is,” she met his eyes. After a few moments of silently gazing in his eyes, she took a deep breath and released it slowly, finally looking away from him. “You should rest. I’m sure you’re tired,” she realized then.

“Yeah,” he admitted, shifting slightly in his bed. “You should go home,” he added. When she stood, he squeezed her hand. “I mean home as in your apartment. Not the precinct.”

She stood still for a moment, no longer surprised that he knew exactly what she was most likely planning to do. “Castle, I need to see if the boys found anything.”

“You can check that tomorrow.” He knew she’d be working the case; it was connected to her mother. The shooter had been after her. He knew there was no way of getting her to back down now.

“Castle, I’m fine,” she insisted, trying to reassure him.

“Kate…” he started, but stopped when she pulled her hand away from his.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Castle,” she stated, and with one last smile in his direction, she left.

He sighed in frustration. She was the most maddening, infuriating, stubborn woman he had ever met.

xxxxx

“Tell me you found something,” Beckett stated as she passed Esposito’s desk on the way to hers. Tossing her jacket on the back of the chair, she perched on the edge of her desk, giving the murder board her full attention.

“How’s Castle?” Ryan asked.

“Awake,” she answered simply.

“Did you ask him if he remembers anything?” Esposito came to perch on the edge of Beckett’s desk next to her in a stance usually adopted by Castle.

She shook her head. “No. He just woke up; I didn’t want to ask for details yet. I’ll go back tomorrow after he’s had a chance to rest and process what happened.”

“Yeah, well, something had to have tipped him off to tackle you the way he did,” Esposito pointed out.

“Hopefully he saw something, but the way the shooter has been able to cover his tracks and just disappear, I’m not going to hold my breath,” she leaned back slightly on her hands as she worked her way through the evidence once more. “There has to be something we’re missing; someone had to have seen something. The shooter had to have left some kind of DNA behind…some lead for me to follow.”

Esposito shook his head. “Not necessarily. If the guy is former special forces, he’s going to know how to become a ghost. It’s part of the training.”

She knew he was right. She’d been a cop long enough to know that professional hits were the hardest to track down; as good as she was, even she couldn’t run down a lead if there was nothing for her to run with. “Then we have to draw the ghost out of the shadows.”

Ryan approached the two then. “How do you draw out someone who doesn’t want to be found?”

“By giving him what he wants,” she stated simply. When the two men exchanged questioning glances and looked back at her, she continued. “Me.”

xxxxx

Thanks again to everyone who reads and reviews. I love hearing all your feedback and comments. I hope you all continue to enjoy the story!

[damelucyjo]

I’m kind of at a point now where I’m mellowed out about the finale now. As I’ve said there’s things I liked, things I didn’t. There were a good few things that still baffle me though.

So here are 2 thoughts that won’t leave my head;

1 - They just needed to add little hints from Henry throughout the season that he really missed his dad and wanted him back in Kansas. Add in a couple of little scenes where there’s a little bit of a FaceTime where he says ‘I miss you, dad’, or even make a point of it in part of the episode where he stayed with Ted whilst Michelle went off to Paris. As far as I can remember he never once told his dad that he missed seeing him all the time. Little things like that would have really helped make Dottie telling Ted that his son missed him not seem like a manipulative tactic on her part too, and would have made him deciding he had to leave not feel like it suddenly came out of the blue.

2 - Why did Ted feel like he couldn’t speak to Rebecca once she told him she was ready to talk about it. He never had trouble talking with anyone before. If he was so sure of his decision, why couldn’t he reassure her that it was all going to be okay. We were never shown them having a conversation about it. But to me, not having Ted say anything in the scene in the stands, other than agree that he’d made his decision, felt like he hadn’t truly made a decision he was really set on or happy with. He didn’t want to go, but he just didn’t want to talk to her about it. The same in the airport. She kept trying to get him to stay because, again, to me, I felt like she knew he didn’t want to leave. I do believe it’s all more to do with what happened with his dad and Ted being all about never wanting people to feel like they’re alone. But he doesn’t know how to help multiple people at once. He had to go back so that Henry never got to a point where he felt like he didn’t have a dad (which I believe he never did or would have, but this was the case in Ted’s brain), but in going back to Kansas he was leaving Rebecca. He had to do that though because Henry’s more important to him. And I could go off on another tangent about how it was apparently more important for them to show this platonic loving friendship between these two, yet I saw more love between Rebecca & Keeley than I did Ted & Rebecca. They spent so much time seemingly not talking! God, I really could go on and on apparently, but I’m gonna shut up about them now 😂

I have many other thoughts that won’t leave me alone either. One the same as everyone else - how Ted & Rebecca are supposed to be very close friends and nothing more, yet why all the fake outs and specific acting choices from both Hannah & Jason. Or the many thoughts I have after reading Brendan’s AMA. But most of these are angry thoughts…

My overall impression, I guess you could say, is that many of the final choices that were made in regards to this show really reflected on the fact that is was basically run by a group of men. I don’t want to believe that many of the things that happened would have happened if they’d had any women who had more say. I may be completely alone in that opinion, and that’s perfectly fine.

But one ‘bad’ episode, even if it is the finale, isn’t going to taint my love of the show overall. I will still rewatch it, just maybe not the last episode as often. I’ll just believe the idea that the ending was all a dream and that they had plenty of conversations off camera. Ted was just popping home to sort things out before starting a new chapter of his life in Richmond.

[the-rewatch-rewind]

An old movie with a very relevant name.

Script below the break.

Hello and welcome back to The Rewatch Rewind! My name is Jane, and this is the podcast where I count down my top 40 most frequently rewatched movies over the last 20 years. Today I will be discussing number 14 on my list: MGM’s 1944 psychological thriller Gaslight, directed by George Cukor, written by John Van Druten, Walter Reisch, and John L Balderston, based on the play by Patrick Hamilton, and starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Joseph Cotten.

So first of all, if you’re thinking, “Gaslight? As in, to deny someone’s reality to the point that they can no longer trust their own perceptions?” then, yes, you’re absolutely correct: this movie (and the play it’s based on and the 1940 British film it’s a remake of) is where that term comes from. So I’m just going to give a blanket content warning for this whole episode: I will be talking a lot about psychological and emotional abuse. This is an incredibly well-made movie, which is why I keep revisiting it, but I recognize that not everybody is in the right place to hear stories about gaslighting, so please, take care of yourself, and skip this episode if you think it’s going to cause you distress.

That being said, I truly have no idea why “gaslighting” suddenly became a popular buzzword in the last 10 years or so, or how it has evolved to be misapplied to any form of lying. I’ve even heard people talk about how someone is “gaslighting” them when they merely disagree about something. So despite how incredibly dark and disturbing this movie is, I really think everyone should watch it, if for no other reason than to learn how to use the term correctly. But there’s obviously a lot more to it than that, which I will get into. But first, my traditional plot summary:

When her aunt and guardian, a famous opera star, is murdered in their London home, young Paula Alquist (Ingrid Bergman) is sent to Italy to train as a singer. Ten years later, she is swept off her feet by her new accompanist, Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer), and after knowing each other only two weeks, they get married. Though she is still haunted by her aunt’s unsolved murder, upon hearing that Gregory has always wanted to live in London, Paula suggests that they move into her old house. As they settle in, Gregory’s behavior gradually changes, and Paula begins to feel like she is losing her mind.

The main thing I remember about the first time I watched this movie was thinking it wasn’t a very good mystery, since it’s pretty obvious fairly early on who the bad guy is. But by the end it became clear that it was never meant to be a mystery, but rather a map of red flags to watch out for, as well as a surprisingly sympathetic portrayal of how easy it can be to ignore them until it’s too late. Or, I guess I should say, almost too late, since, spoiler alert: the movie does have a mostly happy ending. Anyway, I had never seen a movie like this before and it fascinated me. I watched it twice in 2003, once in 2004, once in 2006, once in 2007, twice in 2008, three times in 2012, once in 2013, once in 2014, twice in 2015, twice in 2016, once in 2017, once in 2018, once in 2020, twice in 2021, and once in 2022. I also saw the 1940 version once in 2006. I don’t remember much about it other than I thought it was pretty good, but the remake was better. And a big part of that is because of the cast of the remake. One of my 2015 views of the remake was part of my watching through Best Actress winners project because Ingrid Bergman won the first of her three Oscars for this film. Apparently at the time I ranked this performance as the 7th best to win that award, and now if anything I feel like that was too low. The more I rewatch this movie, the more impressed I am by what a difficult job she had and how thoroughly she crushed it.

Paula is an incredibly complex character who undergoes a significant emotional journey. At the beginning, though she’s definitely still haunted by the trauma of her youth, she’s mostly happy and hopeful and vivacious. And then all of that slowly dims as Gregory’s manipulations escalate, almost as if she is a gas light that he’s turning down. That’s not why the movie is called Gaslight, though; it’s called that because one of the early signs that something sketchy is going on is when Paula starts to notice lights dimming as if someone turned a new light on somewhere else in the house, but nobody else seems to notice this and she can’t find a good explanation for it. But watching Paula go from a lively, lovestruck newlywed to basically a zombie struggling to find a shred of reality she can trust also feels like watching a gas light flame go down. And it would have been so easy to either overdo or undersell this descent into confusion, but Ingrid Bergman perfectly balances every moment. You can see Paula starting to doubt herself more and more as her actions and words become more hesitant and her looks become more vague, until she begins to resign herself to the fact that Gregory must be right, she must be insane, there’s nothing more she can do. It’s so painful and heartbreaking that I desperately want to reach through the screen and comfort her and tell her what’s really going on. And then, just when I almost can’t stand it anymore, Joseph Cotten shows up to do that for me. He plays Inspector Brian Cameron of Scotland Yard, a childhood fan of Paula’s aunt who happens to see Paula one of the few times she’s out with Gregory in London, which leads him to reopen the cold case of her aunt’s murder and figure out what’s going on just in time to help Paula. The implication that Paula needs a man to rescue her is one thing I don’t love about this movie, but at the same time I think it’s important to acknowledge that Gregory was so effective at – for lack of a better term – gaslighting her that she could not have escaped that situation without help.

Not to take any of the credit away from Bergman for her stellar performance, but I do think it helped that George Cukor was the director. Longtime listeners may recognize his name from Holiday, which was number 33 on this list, and Adam’s Rib, which was number 27, both of which have significantly lighter tones. Gaslight feels much more like an Alfred Hitchcock picture than a George Cukor one. Cukor apparently didn’t like being referred to as a “woman’s director,” but he had a reputation for his ability to coax great performances out of actresses, and this is certainly no exception. In order to help Bergman keep track of Paula’s gradual descent toward madness while shooting out of order, Cukor would tell her the whole plot up to the scenes they were filming each day, which Bergman initially resented, but then he stopped doing it for a few days and she realized how helpful it had been, and they went back to doing it that way. I do think Ingrid Bergman would have been great in this role regardless of who the director was, but George Cukor helped elevate her to the best she could possibly be.

While Bergman’s performance is far and away my favorite aspect of this movie, the rest of the cast is also phenomenal, albeit rather small. It definitely has that based-on-a-play feel of limited locations and few characters, although that also works very well with the story. Part of Gregory’s strategy is to cut Paula off from the rest of the world so she won’t have a safety net. Consequently, for most of the film she only interacts with him and their two servants: the kind but mostly-deaf cook, Elizabeth, played by Barbara Everest, and the saucy, flirtatious maid, Nancy, played by none other than 18-year-old Angela Lansbury in her film debut, both of whom are absolutely perfect in their roles. I love Everest’s delivery of “I see just how it is” when Gregory is trying to keep Elizabeth on his side without realizing that she’s always been firmly on Paula’s. And Lansbury embodies the exact attitude required for Nancy: flirtatious toward Gregory, disdainful toward Paula, totally oblivious to how she’s being manipulated until the end – all conveyed with every look she gives and line she speaks as if she’s a veteran actor. It comes as absolutely no surprise that she went on to have such a long and successful career, with this as her first screen performance. She was even nominated for an Oscar! And then there’s the neighbor Miss Thwaites, played by Dame May Whitty, who adds some much-needed levity with her “diggy biscuits” and morbid curiosity about the house in her square where there was a “real murder!” Joseph Cotten’s role is honestly pretty bland – kind of the film noir version of a classic Disney prince, in a way – but he makes the most of it. And then there’s Charles Boyer, giving one of the best creepy villain performances I’ve ever seen, which was also Oscar-nominated. He starts out just sort of vaguely unsettling, raising one or two red flags right off the bat, but like, he could still be okay, and then by the end he is full-on terrifying. He has this amazing stone-faced look that makes your blood run cold. There’s this one moment in particular, kind of toward the middle, when Miss Thwaites and Inspector Cameron (posing as her nephew) have tried to visit them, and Gregory tells Nancy to send them away. Paula wanted to let them in but he freaked out so she backed down, and then after Nancy leaves she again says she wanted to see them, and he’s like, “Oh, why didn’t you say so?” and it makes me want to scream. Then he tells her she didn’t have time to see them because they’re going out to the theater, and Paula’s like, “I didn’t know that…or did I forget?” and Gregory, facing the camera with his back to her, opens his mouth to respond, and then stops and waits for her to dwell on that for a few more seconds before he tells her that no, this is a surprise, and both his face and her face are so perfect there, I love it and hate it so much. Like, I love it from a “this movie is so well acted” perspective, and I hate it from a “this character is a horrible human being” perspective. And then Paula gets overly happy, since she’s been trapped in the house for so long that him letting her go out seems like a wonderful gift. But then he “notices” that a picture is missing from the wall, and makes her think she hid it, and they end up not going out because she’s “too unwell.”

That’s the main way he manipulates her: by moving things and making it look like she took them. What’s particularly interesting about the way the movie shows this is we never actually see Gregory taking any of the things, but it is nevertheless clear that he has been. But he is so insistent that she’s doing it that we can easily believe that Paula wouldn’t suspect him, or that if she did, she would have significant doubts. And even if she did figure it out, it’s not like there’s anything she can do about it. She’s in London for the first time in a decade, she doesn’t know anyone, she doesn’t have anywhere to go, and she’s not sure she can trust her own mind. And I think it’s so important that the movie at no point faults her for ending up in that situation or for not being able to leave. The movie also gives no indication that Gregory is physically harming Paula, but leaves the audience in no doubt that he is an abusive husband. And I feel like the messages that abuse doesn’t have to be physical and that it’s never the victim’s fault are still too rare in media today, let alone nearly 80 years ago. I feel like back then most unhealthy relationships in movies were in the His Girl Friday vein of “they’re kind of both abusing each other so it’s fine” or would find other ways for excusing or explaining the abusive behavior, like “the abuser was drunk” or “the victim was asking for it” or what have you. And if they weren’t like that, the victim usually ended up dead. In Gaslight, Gregory has no excuse. I mean, he does have a reason, but it’s a terrible reason that in no way justifies his actions. And Paula not only survives, but also gets an incredibly satisfying confrontation with Gregory after Brian and another policeman have tied him up. When the police leave them alone together, Gregory pleads with her to get a knife and cut him free, and for a moment you think she’s actually going to help him, but she gets her revenge by pretending she can’t find the knife and saying she’s too insane to help him, forcing him to admit that he has lied to her and she isn’t actually mad. And she wraps up her great payback with: “If I were not mad, I could have helped you. Whatever you had done, I could have pitied and protected you. But because I am mad, I hate you. Because I am mad, I have betrayed you. And because I'm mad, I'm rejoicing in my heart, without a shred of pity, without a shred of regret, watching you go with glory in my heart!” So she turns his gaslighting around on him, and it’s amazing. Although I must admit that right after that when she cries, “Mr. Cameron! Take this man away!” is the one part when I feel like Ingrid Bergman overdoes it just a little bit and gets too melodramatic, but after everything Paula has been through, she deserves as many melodramatic moments as she wants.

I would prefer it if the movie didn’t conclude with the implication that Paula is going to end up romantically involved with Brian, but again, she deserves all the happiness she can get, and if that’s what’s going to make her happy, I’m all for it. And I guess we can claim Miss Thwaites as aroace representation, since she seems to be an old maid with no interest in romance. This movie also speaks to my aromanticism and asexuality in a different, unique way. Because to a certain extent, being aroace in an allonormative, amatonormative society kind of feels like the entire world is gaslighting you. Of course, I don’t mean to imply that my experiences have been anywhere near as horrendous as someone like Paula’s – having your reality cruelly and intentionally twisted by a partner is on an entirely different level from not quite fitting in with the dominant culture’s concept of reality. Still, being constantly bombarded with the message that all mature humans frequently experience sexual and romantic attraction, and that a universal top life goal is to find a partner you’re attracted to that way, when you don’t feel those attractions and don’t desire that kind of partner, is incredibly confusing and disorienting. Once you become an adult, or even a teenager, people start giving you knowing looks when they hear you’ve been hanging out with a friend one-on-one, especially if that friend happens to be of the opposite sex. And you don’t think you like any of your friends “that way” but you also don’t really know what liking someone “that way” feels like so you start to think maybe you don’t know your own feelings. And if you’re lucky, your brain subconsciously decides that you do have crushes like a normal person, they’re just always on movie stars, most of whom are dead, which you realize is weird, but it’s an understandable kind of weird. Nobody believes you when you say you don’t have a crush on anybody, but if you show them a picture of Cary Grant and say, “I have a crush on him,” that makes sense to them. And so you end up becoming convinced that you’re experiencing types of attraction that you’re not, to the point that when you first hear about asexuality you don’t even consider the possibility that it could describe you. And of course, when I say “you” I mean “me”; I can’t speak for all aroaces, although I do think most of us experience some form of that confusion before we figure out that our identity exists. I feel like there’s a relatively widespread perception that aromantic and/or asexual people are just single allos who want to feel special by giving themselves a label, but for me, the opposite is true. Using the aroace label makes me feel less special, because now I know there are other people out there like me, after spending so much time trying to play along with the attraction I thought I was supposed to be feeling. It’s honestly been kind of difficult to unlearn this, to teach myself how to even recognize, let alone trust, what I’m actually feeling versus the socially acceptable way to be feeling about other people.

It’s weird because, looking back, it’s so obvious to me that I was faking crushes, that I was just parroting things I’d heard when I talked about them, that I was just smiling and nodding when people would say things like, “Isn’t that person hot?” But at the time, I absolutely could not admit that, even to myself, because I felt like, in order to be human, I must be experiencing what I’d been led to believe were universal human emotions that went along with sexual and romantic attraction. Back in 2013 I blogged about all the movies I’d seen at least 10 times in 10 years, and I just re-read my post about Gaslight, in which I apparently wrote that I found Joseph Cotten attractive in this movie. I don’t remember thinking or writing that, but I’m sure if I’d been asked to elaborate, I would have said I thought he was hot or whatever, even though I absolutely did not, I just thought I was supposed to. I wasn’t consciously lying; I had become convinced that I felt things I didn’t. Although, now that I think about it, maybe I really was attracted to him, not sexually or romantically, but in terms of the way his character functions in the story. I desperately needed someone to show up and tell me that the problem wasn’t with my mind and provide me with some key information I was missing that would explain what was going on, just like Brian does for Paula. Again, her experience was much more horrifying than mine, but learning that some people are aromantic and asexual, that not feeling those kinds of attraction is perfectly normal for those people, was almost as revelatory to me as learning that her husband killed her aunt and was trying to drive her mad was to Paula. Maybe it sounds like I’m the one being melodramatic now, but I don’t know how else to explain how messed up it is to spend decades convincing yourself and everyone else that you’re feeling things you’re not, and what a relief it is to learn that you were right all along and can finally take the mask off. And that’s why I’ve been focusing so much on looking at movies from an aromantic and asexual perspective on this podcast. Because I don’t want anyone else to go through all that. I want everyone to know that amatonormativity and allonormativity are lies, both because I want people on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrums to understand themselves sooner than I understood myself, and because I want alloromantic, allosexual people to know that not everyone is like them. I don’t blame the allo people I was surrounded with for perpetuating these norms because they didn’t know better. I know they weren’t really trying to gaslight me. But I would like to live in a society where most people do know better.

Anyway, I appreciate this movie for understanding me in ways that I couldn’t articulate until recently. But that’s far from the only reason it’s this high on my list. Again, I truly cannot overemphasize how phenomenal the acting is. Ingrid Bergman was always wonderful, but she took it to a whole other level here, and the rest of the cast were similarly at the top of their game. I never get tired of watching them act together, particularly when I’m in the mood for something a little darker. Like the other Ingrid Bergman movie I talked about, Notorious, I’m not sure whether Gaslight “counts” as film noir, because it has some of the typical noir tropes but lacks other important ones. But from a lighting and cinematography perspective, it definitely feels like a noir, so if you enjoy that style, you’ll probably appreciate this movie. It was nominated for a total of seven Oscars, including Best Picture, Screenplay, and Black-and-White Cinematography, in addition to the three acting nominations I mentioned earlier for Bergman, Boyer, and Lansbury. The only Oscar it won besides Best Actress was for Art Direction, which is something I don’t generally pay a ton of attention to, but the set is particularly important in Gaslight. The house almost functions as a character: it’s Gregory’s accomplice in torturing Paula, and the increasingly cluttered look of the rooms helps emphasize the way it’s trapping her. And, of course, there are the real, vintage gasoliers that give the movie its title and add greatly to its mood. So both of this movie’s Oscars were thoroughly deserved.

Thank you for listening to me discuss another of my most frequently rewatched films. This wraps up the 4-way tie of movies I saw 22 times from 2003 through 2022. I wonder how many other people out there have watched Beauty and the Beast, A Mighty Wind, His Girl Friday, and Gaslight the same number of times in the last 20 years. Anyway, I didn’t watch any movies exactly 23 times, so next up is the only one I watched 24 times, which is also one that I have a LOT of feelings and personal stories about, so stay tuned for what I’m sure will be a particularly long and rambling episode that I hope will be fun to listen to. As always, I will leave you with a quote from that next movie: “I don’t need to act things out in order to write them. I have what we like to call an ‘imagination.’ Have you ever heard of that? Oh, no no no no no, please tell us more about the old man… and the boat.”

[karlyboyyy]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

Okay first of all - thank you so much for sending me this ask! I haven't received an ask since like 2018, and I really like answering questions! (are any of y'all old enough to remember Formspring? I loved that shit lmao)

Second of all - this took me forever to think of! I suddenly forgot all pieces of media that I've ever consumed. Plus I wanted to make sure I had a mix of stuff lol

Anyway, here's what I've come up with, in no particular order :)

David Rose | Schitt’s Creek

David Rose is honestly so important to me. When I first started watching Schitt’s Creek, I was just like “oh haha sassy queer man, so funny!” But then as the show progressed, I found myself identifying so much with the character. And then I decided to rewatch the show… four more times over the next few months. Like I just kept going back to it. And eventually I thought “ya know… why do I identify so much with a queer man? I’ve never thought of myself as queer and I’m not a man… so why?” Which led me down the rabbit hole of watching other queer-centric shows and doing a bunch of internet searching of sexuality and gender identity. And I honestly learned so much. Like it’s crazy how much I just assumed about a lot of stuff without ever thinking too deeply about it. And wouldn’t you fuckin know it, I realized I was bisexual. And then the more and more I thought about how I see myself and how I wanted others to see me, I decided that yep, I’m not a man… but I’m also not really too attached to being a woman either. So here we are today, just a big ol’ bisexual nonbinary androgynous blob. All thanks to David Rose!

2. Karasuno VBC | Haikyuu!!

Is this answer cheating? I feel like it’s cheating. But I’ve tried - I’ve reeeally tried - to pick a favorite character from Haikyuu, and I just cannot. So I’ve chosen the entire ‘12-‘13 Karasuno High School Volleyball Club (coaches and managers included!). I just love them each so much for different reasons. Like, Hinata is such a sweetheart and I’m so proud of him by the end of the series! Kageyama is my baby, my sweet grumpy dumb-dumb baby. Sugawara is probably the one I relate to the most, coming off as shy and calm but in reality he’s a little insane. And Asahi! My sweet sensitive Asahi, I love him so much. I could ramble on for days, but I won’t. Just know that I would fight to the death for these fictional characters. 

3. Power | Chainsaw Man

Since I’ve decided that I’d only do one cheat answer, I can’t list the whole Hayakawa family as one character. That said, I’d have to say Power is my favorite of the trio. She’s loud and obnoxious and egotistical and powerful and silly and gross and honestly everything I wish I could be. 

4. Xie Lian | Heaven Official’s Blessing

Xie Lian is so awkward, but he’s low-key hilarious. There’s a moment in chapter 6 of the first novel, where he was worried because he didn’t have any shrines or worshippers dedicated to him in the mortal realm. But then, there’s this excerpt: “And one day, on a whim, he suddenly thought: If no one worships me, I’ll worship myself! None of the heavenly officials knew how to respond to that. Who had ever fucking heard of a god worshipping himself?! To reach such tragic heights, what was the point?! However, Xie Lian was used to receiving nothing but awkward silence the moment he spoke and thought amusing himself could be fun.” Like… that whole ‘fuck it, I’m just gonna do whatever the hell I want’ attitude gives me life. On top of all that, he’s a cheapskate scrap collector, a terrible cook, and has the worst luck. But he’s a total sweetheart, he tries his best at everything he does, he’s always trying to help people, and HELLO he’s got Hua Cheng wrapped around his finger. 

5. Uramichi Omota | Life Lessons With Uramichi-oniisan

My favorite depressy boi. Life Lessons is so freakin funny and way too goddamn relatable. I think I have four different magnets at my desk at work with images / quotes of Uramichi from the show and manga. There's not much else I can say other than he speaks to my soul.

6. Kageyama “Mob” Shigeo | Mob Psycho 100

The goodest boy!! A friend actually recommended Mob Psycho to me, and at first I was a little skeptical. But by the third episode I was hooked. And by season 3, I found myself literally sobbing. Just seeing Mob’s growth throughout the show, and how his kindness impacted so many people around him… it just fills my heart. But also the moment where he almost loses himself to the ???%… just wow. The whole message of that show is so so good and I will literally recommend it to anyone and everyone. 

7. Sasaki Shuumei | Sasaki and Miyano

The sweetest cinnamon roll!! The way he truly loves Miyano is so refreshing. Sure, he has the whole “but he’s a guy…” thought at first. But he gets over that fairly quickly. He just knows that Miyano is cute and he genuinely wants to get to know him. He actively engages with Miyano to try and learn about his interests and hobbies. He reads all the BL Miyano lends him. He gives his honest feedback about each story! He stands up for Miyano’s interests. He confesses to Miyano pretty early on, but recognizes that Miyano may not reciprocate those feelings right away. He continually reassures Miyano that his feelings are strong, but he’s not pushy about it. It’s more like he wants to make sure Miyano doesn’t see his feelings as a passing whim. And when they finally get together, he’s not shy about their relationship. He talks about it to his friends and family. When the two of them start to get more physical, Miyano voices his concern about who’s going to be the “bottom”. And Sasaki’s immediate thought was that he didn’t really care which way they went, he just knew that he wanted it to be with Miyano. And my GOD I loved seeing that. I feel like discussing your sexual preferences with your partner and figuring out what you’re comfortable with doing is SO important, but that aspect of starting a new relationship isn’t portrayed nearly enough in BL stories. It’s usually just one guy being a little nervous about being bottom and the other guy automatically assuming they’re the top, with zero communication. Anyway, I digress. Back to Sasaki. My cinnamon roll. I just love him. 

8. April Ludgate | Parks and Recreation 

Parks and Rec will always be one of my comfort shows. And I first watched it when I was about the same age as April - young enough to not really know what I wanted to do in life and also not really caring about that stuff just yet. I loved her dry sense of humor and her sarcasm. And watching her grow into someone with more confidence in her career and relationships was amazing. Also fun fact, when I interviewed for my first role at my current workplace - which happens to be an Indiana government entity - I was asked why I was interested in government work. And I straight up said that Parks & Rec made it seem interesting lmao. They must have liked that answer, because I’m still there almost 4 years later and have promoted up since then! 

9. Dorothy Zbornak | Golden Girls

I first watched Golden Girls when I was in college, when my roommate was like “I promise you’ll like it, it’s so funny” and I was like bitch… it’s an old show about old ladies. But she was RIGHT. It’s hilarious. And honestly so wholesome. And ICONIC (I mean come on. This show talked about women's sex lives, old women's sex lives at that. And LGBT+ issues. And workplace harassment. And invisible illnesses / disabilities and the struggles of getting your doctor to actually listen to you. All of this in the '80s, no less!) And I feel like most people liked Rose because, duh it’s Betty White. But Dorothy was my jam. She was sarcastic and always annoyed by something (same). But she genuinely cared about her friends. And look. I ain’t gonna lie. That deep, almost raspy voice of hers? Hot. 

10. Jake Peralta | Brooklyn 99

He’s honestly so annoying, but I love him. He gives off this “I’m gonna do the bare minimum and be silly the whole time and STILL get the fuckin’ job done” vibe, and ya know what? He does just that. He’s actually a great detective and problem solver. He just also knows how to have fun. And his relationship with Amy is one of the few straight(-passing) relationships that I honestly love so much. They’re so cute and pure and goofy and relatable. And don’t even get me started on his friendship with Rosa. I mean, he went with her when she wanted to come out as bi to her parents!! Aahhhh!! Lastly, his flannel / hoodie / leather jacket combo? Pure bisexual fashion and I am here for it.

[dashawns-world]

Escaflowne the Movie (2000)

I’m probably dating myself immediately by choosing this movie, but it’s what came to mind after a joint last night. I recommend watching (at least) the opening scene of this film up until the title comes on at around 5:20. You can watch it here. I will spoil the movie, though, so here’s your warning. Also, this movie deals with heavy themes such as depression and nihilism. If that isn’t your thing, run awaaaay!

Where was I? Oh, right- 

So, why this movie? Well, let me paint a lil’ picture for you. (With words, I don’t wanna paint rn, sorry.) 

I was 10 or 11 when Escaflowne came on TV one night, I think. (This painting sucks, leave me alone.)  I remember it being faaairly late, and I was fiending for anything with the vibe of Dragon Ball or Cowboy Bebop. Though I didn’t know it at the time, it was anime that I wanted to watch. I felt like a cool grown-up watching them because they had violence and adults smoking. Simpler times.

Escaflowne started much slower than I would’ve liked as a kid. Now, I can appreciate the time given to showing shots of the sky and the massive airship that dwarfs a damn mountain. But as a kid, I wanted something to happen.

I got my wish when this anime boy fell from the clouds. I’m like, where’d this guy come from? I’m locked in now. Suddenly he lands on the airship, and a guard is rightfully like, “Bro, who tf-“ SLICE! The guard is dead, and my lil developing brain decides, “Yup, here’s a core memory.” What proceeds is the most intense opening of a movie I’d seen up until that point. The drums kick in, and this anime boy runs into a hull full of soldiers and sprays everybody. The animation, choreography, music, and cinematography are outstanding. Truly unmatched stuff. I won’t go into detail here because I want to break this scene down later, but yeah, the anime boy’s lone assault on this airship is incredible.

I NEVER got that opening scene out of my head. It started my obsession with anime guys and their samurai swords before Samurai Champloo, and solidified my appreciation for airships/sky battles. Maybe it’s because I recently beat “Tears of the Kingdom,” but I’ve been thinking more and more about how I like fighting in the sky. (Not irl, though.)

Now the thing is, the opening scene is ALL I ever remembered from the movie. I could recall elements of the rest of the film, like the fact that there were giant robots, but the story and characters never stuck. And that’s why I decided to rewatch this as an adult and figure out why. 

Here we go!

I won’t dissect the entire movie beat for beat. It’s tempting, but I want to discuss the story and its themes today. I’ll need to let you in on another small fact to do that. This movie is an adaptation of an anime TV series called “The Vision of Escaflowne.” I didn’t know that until last night because while watching it, I could see the story introducing many elements and dropping them just as quickly, so I googled it. At this point in my life, I’ve watched many films based on books. You can just tell after a while. What’s interesting, though, is that this adaptation took a lot of liberties with the source material. I only knew this version, so I’m judging it on its merits. 

I’m also ghetto, so here’s Wikipedia’s summary. 

“Hitomi Kanzaki is in crisis. Her life has lost its meaning, and she is plagued by unusual dreams. She is depressed and wants nothing more than to disappear. After falling out with her only friend, she is mysteriously summoned to another world, Gaea, where she finds herself inside Escaflowne, a doomsday weapon destined to come to life at the appearance of a prophesied "wing goddess". The world of Gaea is facing its own crisis: relentless conquest by the Black Dragon Clan, the rebels against which become convinced that Hitomi is the prophesied goddess who will revive Escaflowne. Never certain of her identity in Gaea, Hitomi finds her destiny as she becomes closer to the rebel leader, Lord Van, and helps to bring about the fall of his vengeful brother Lord Folken, the master of the Black Dragon Clan.”

Say thank you to Wikipedia! ...I’m sorry if this is annoying to read.

Anyway, I’ll say that’s a reasonably exciting story! Maybe not now when tons of Isekai have done it arguably better in all these years, but It’s interesting. A depressed person with the power to make or break a world? What a concept! Indeed it’s enough to make you curious. I’m gonna stop talking like this now.

Nihilism is the name of the game in this film. Each major player (Hitomi, Van, and Folken) represents different stages of it. Whereas Hitomi deals with how much modern-day living sucks, Van and Folken’s conflict involves war and their entire world. That said, Hitomi was ready to self-destruct in her introductory scene due to her depression. VERY HEAVY. After the opening scene's thrill, this was like whiplash. None of this stuck with my childish brain; I was very dumb. Thankfully, the imagery was not disturbing (otherwise, it probably would have), but the stuff she said resonates with me now. 

Ultimately, she finds she’s not alone in feeling this way, as Van is similarly alone in his world as the sole heir to his kingdom. He has only known struggle thanks to his dickhole older brother, who is coo-coo-crazy with his nihilism, and is hell-bent on taking the whole world out with him. Hitomi and Van only defeat Folken thanks to finding and understanding each other. …Except they don’t defeat him… in fact, the story and many of the themes get kinda screwy.

I’ve buried the lead, but in my opinion, this movie starts off strong and then drops the ball. I will say I liked what the story was doing. The theme, learning that you’re not alone when you’re depressed, is beautiful. Sure, one can argue that it oversimplifies a real issue, but stories can do that. I see stories as extensions of their creators. The writing is genuine here. Hitomi’s dialogue in the intro was legit and also beautifully directed. I’m definitely assuming here, but if this is how the writers chose to tell the story of someone struggling with depression, I won’t dismiss it because they didn’t match how I feel you should write about it.

The problems I had were more on the missed potential side. And letting dialogue take the place of visual storytelling. The first act had me completely engrossed. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. The troubles started to arise when they started introducing maaaaany characters. I started to lose track of them. I love ensemble casts, but in a 90-minute movie, they’re not all going to get to shine. This is only a problem for me when I actually LIKE the characters. (which I did, the freakin goobs) So if they were to… suddenly eject from the plot, I’d be sad. This is where the film, initially being a show, reared its ugly head. Van is part of a resistance group, but he’s not even the leader. I don’t know why the Wikipedia synopsis said that.

Thanks, Wikipedia.

You find this out after his and Hitomi’s introductory scenes. They throw this lovable gang of misfits at you, and they do it well. I was on board and was even starting to worry for them because I knew a dark fantasy story had the potential to kill off mains. None of them die, though. In fact, around the halfway point of the movie, they all become completely irrelevant. The actual leader? Diet-Sephiroth? He can keep UP with Van, who is, on all accounts, a killing machine. They seemed to think showing us this was important. Too bad he’s useless by the movie's midpoint, too, because he never has to show that strength again. They don’t even get a scene at the end where they tell Hitomi goodbye. Why the hell were they even there? Why did we spend any time learning about them? I’m sure they get more relevancy in the show, but this isn’t the show; it’s a movie. A movie that purposefully isn’t anything like the show, either. From what I read, this movie cut a lot of the fat from the show, but I guess this couldn’t be helped. That said, there’s a scene where a VERY detestable character gets a farewell scene. Why him and not Van’s crew? I’m very upset, lol.

So what happens when the crew is gone halfway through the movie? Well, Hitomi and Van bond. But… not in any way that’s immediately noticeable. This is my major, major issue. Too many characters tell Hitomi things about Van before we see them bond. I really wish she’d SEEN that he wasn’t such a bad guy instead of people telling her. They also tell her the whole point of the movie, which is a no-no for me. The lion dude is straight up like, “Yeah, Van wants to die.” He may as well have said, “Just like you did earlier in the movie because he’s depressed too.” I was hoping she’d learn this from her interactions with Van himself, but up until this point in the movie, they don’t interact much. This is where my tastes come in, as I want to grow attached to the main characters in a story. Hitomi and Van, despite being very profoundly written in this film, are only their sorrow, it seems. Hitomi, at least in the beginning, is less so. But Van is about as interesting as a wall in this movie. (A wall that can fight good, mind you, but fight good is not a personality trait.) 

Stories about emotionally stunted, stoic-lite dudes that need a woman to show them how to care make me cringe. I can’t help it; it’s just not my thing! “Man strong, he need woman to lie head on.” I personally think that’s weak irl, so stories like that don’t resonate with me. To each their own. I think it could’ve at least been done a bit more tastefully. But heeey, this movie is a 2000’s movie, baybee, and hindsight is, of course, 20/20. In the movie’s defense, though, Hitomi and Van don’t seem to develop feelings or intimacy beyond understanding one another, so that’s why I could keep going! One could even say the stoic dude thing wasn’t their intention! But that’s the problem when you don’t give HIM (Van) any agency, and everyone talks about him like they did. I forgot he wasn’t a machine until ⅔ into the film.

I gave it some thought, and the only reason this bothered me was that Van’s humanity was all there, but AFTER these scenes with Hitomi being told about it. Van DOES open up and IS a good guy in a bad position. There’s a scene where he sculpts a figurine for one of the crew members. I actually love how the scene was directed because you couldn’t tell he was doing it. It was a reveal. And a very good reveal, to me. I enjoyed that! If they had put that scene earlier than it was placed, that could’ve been the visual moment to know that he’s not all “kill, kill, destroy.” But it wasn’t new information where it was placed. The movie said, “Sorry, I know Van seemed a lil coo-coo-crazy initially, but we promise you he’s a protagonist.” And I’m like, “I knoooow, you told me so many times that this seems redundant now.” Okay, I’m done with my lil rant.

The intention to make Hitomi and Van two peas in a pod was great, but it felt like Hitomi didn’t think he was tight until he saved her and was told multiple times Van’s cool... After that, she becomes a “Van’s the Man fan girl.” So if you look past all that, they bond, and it’s nice. But the rest becomes kind of a slog. Characters are introduced and given nothing; Before I end this, lemme talk about Folken real quick. His motivations were weird. Basically, he hated the world? And wanted it destroyed by the apocalyptic arrival of Hitomi. The head-scratching came from the fact that he didn’t need her to fuck up the world. He was doing a pretty good job being evil and ruining everyone’s lives without her. His misinformation about their lil prophecy was his own undoing. In fact, he knew he was going to die and welcomed it. The prophecy said he’d die, but it didn’t say how it would happen. I guess he wanted it to be Hitomi, but she was like a school girl so that didn’t happen. Lol, sorry, bro. I skim over stuff all the time; these are the results. The plot was “Folken was wrong about everything.”

So, due to being wrong about everything, Folken is betrayed by one of his own soldiers and KILLED lol. If you didn’t watch, you’re probably like wow that’s underwhelming. But if you SAW how impossibly powerful they made Folken seem, this is even more of a wet slap on your cheek. His climactic battle with Van and Hitomi is underwhelming because they don’t fight. It seems like, through Hitomi’s influence, Van no longer wants to be a fighter ANYWAY. He just wants peace. But the movie definitely made it seem like they were all going to fight more. I guess I like climactic fights if you give me too powerful badasses. Theme be damned, lol. That’s not a fair critique, but it’s what I wanted. Not a single clash of a sword between Van and Folken. The ending just had me scratching my head. After the lack of character stuff, all I was looking forward to was a sick animated fight, and I didn’t get it. There are more things I could nitpick, but ultimately it was the lack of believability in Van and Hitomi’s relationship that kept this from being a classic in my eyes. I’m fairly lax about plot shit when the characters are hitting, but if I’m bored of your mains, I don’t care, yo; I’m going to sleep. So much potential, though! 

There are a few scenes I’d like to go over in detail because, despite the movie’s lack of a satisfying whole, there were some REAL TASTY parts. But I’ll do that in another post, as this one is too long now. I’d say at the end of it all, I did learn something about my own tastes. And now you did too. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

-Dashawn

[lovestuckyhatemarvel]

What? Am I finally rewatching season 3 of Stranger things? And is this me watching s3e1? Yes, yes it is. Why did I take so much time between seasons 2 and 3? Broken brain, innit?

1.) I understand they must have done so much work for the opening sequence of the Russian scientists turning the keys and starting up the thing that spins and does electric shit and opens a portal but I’m mostly focused on how there’s a noticeable difference between the portals and tentacles/vines between each season. Like really obvious if you’re watching them as closely together as I have been lately.

2.) I forgot the machine fucking explodes after failing to hold a gate open and they slow mo a bunch of randos dying.

3.) I also forgot how absolutely cartoonish the Russians are in this. That soldier went full Darth Vader on a random scientist for no fucking reason. God, the Duffers are boring.

4.) Oh yeah, this is the season when Hopper becomes annoying.

5.) Steve is adorable in his cute little Scoops Ahoy outfit. His shorts are longer than the kids’ shorts are. How do people think those shorts are slutty? Literally even Mike is wearing shorter shorts than Steve.

6.) I forgot there’s a power outage to the mall in episode 1. IDK how since Steve flipping the light switch a bunch and Robin calling him dingus for the first time in the show is referenced by like so many steddie writers.

7.) I forgot that dirt moving on its own is a plot point here.

8.) ‘Let there be light’. Steve Harrington is a dweeb.

9.) Will’s spidey senses are tingling

10.) I never noticed that Mike and Will have almost the same hair this season.

11.) Oh yeah, the beginnings of the duffers not actually understanding feminism because they don’t understand the intersection of sexism and classism.

12.) I forgot Dustin gets back episode 1. Maybe it’s because steddie fics space things out differently, but I thought I remembered it being like, episode 2 or something.

13.) I forgot all of Dustin’s toys lure him out thanks to El and it causes Dustin to spray Lucas in the eyes with hairspray for like a full 15 seconds.

14.) I want to force feed Billy Hargrove his own goddamn hair. Karen Wheeler, I still think you probably have really shitty politics but you deserve better than Billy.

15.) Hopper seems to have forgotten literally all his character development from season 2 just so Duffers can do the overprotective dad bit. Like what the fuck do you mean Hopper doesn’t know what a heart to heart is? I’ve seen the flashbacks to how he interacted with Sara. I saw the goddamn time he contacted El over the radio to apologize for being a shithead at the end of season 2!!!!!!!! Please stop acting like this grown ass man doesn’t understand what an apology is at this point.

16.) I love Max with all my heart

17.) Steve really is so bad at flirting. I would die for him.

18.) I really hate that suddenly Joyce has to teach Hopper, the guy who has comforted and sweet talked his way into literal government facilities, how to fucking talk to people nicely. Like DID THEY WATCH THEIR OWN SHOW? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. This characterization only works if you literally forget seasons 1 & 2.

19.) So many rats. So many really obviously fake rats. That’s not to say I’d want the exploding rats to be real, but something about the lighting on them or something is off.

20.) Will just wanted to play D&D but this season he’s Foreshadowing instead.

21.) Joyce is so goddamn sad and I would be too. RIP Bob Newby.

22.) Hopper really is a cartoon character of himself this season. Also why is he still in his work uniform this late at home?????? WHY CAN HE NO LONGER TALK TO CHILDREN AT ALL????? Suddenly he’s lying about a child’s grandma.

23.) Okay but Max is a genius and is super pretty.

24.) I think Will constantly asking for D&D and everyone blowing him off is why they think he’s the DM even though he isn’t

25.) IDK if I noticed before that the Russian code is literally translated in the subtitles

26.) I’m still shocked the fandom loves Billy as much as they do since he’s obnoxious, racist, and definitely up for being a cheater, and usually at least one of those things is a dealbreaker for people on tumblr to think he’s fuckable. Usually the ‘fucks married women’ part.

[sttrawberries]

‘’ The camera woman zooming in on the bright red Lightning McQueen crocs he was wearing. ‘’ ¿? JSLSJSKSSJ

‘’ not even in private but in an interview with multiple cameras pointed at him’’ :D

‘’ You fought a straight face, holding in laughter and trying to stay as serious as you could, but you were about to break any second.’’ CUTEE

‘’ “You’re the best F1 driver I’ve ever interviewed.”

“I’m the only F1 driver you’ve ever interviewed.” KAJSAJSJSJAJ

‘’ finalizing the last public appearance the two of you would have next to each other. A bittersweet ending.’’ oh :(

‘’ But you always had the Jason laying with you on your couch. Feeding each other dinners, taking motorcycle rides late in the night. ‘’ I would even accept a whole book about them just full of moments like this

“After all, you gifted me something so…special.” (?

‘’It’s almost like you want to see me.” SHHH

“I’ll come back when I win, it’ll be our little secret.” AAAAAAAAAAA

‘’ the cameras focused in on his face and your reactions.’’ caught in hd jsjsjsj

‘’ He was his playful self, the signature half smirk trying to get you to blush, but his eyes were soft when he glanced over to you.’’ I want to keep this little moment in a place where I can rewatch it every time I want

‘’ you leaned toward Jason, pausing to eye his figure up and down, gleefully watching him pay attention to your every word. Your smile getting wider at how easily he was wrapped around your finger.’’ aaaaAAAAAA

THESE TWO FLIRTING AND I FEEL LIKE I'M THIRD WHEELING

‘’ Jason lit the hallway to opportunities for you.’’ Aw :,)

‘’ Happy, but bittersweet.

You reminded yourself that Jason’s off-season was ending.’’ noooo :(

‘’ You let Jason fake his ignorance through certain tasks, giving him any reason to get you close to him.’’ kssksksj

‘’ You would have to watch him race lap after lap on live television like the rest of the world.  He was leaving soon, you knew he would be busy, it was inevitable, but you wanted as much time before he left.’’ I’m happy he’s going to race again but also I’m going to cry

To reply to your note in the beginning about being good at writing angst, I can tell now, I can feel it sksjsksk

‘’ Jason unconsciously acknowledged, resting his hand over yours around his stomach. Rubbing the fabric of his gloves onto yours.’’ MY HEART

‘’ It was green, but you stayed there, no other traffic surrounding you.

Just you and Jason.’’ this whole scene was so pretty

‘’ Maybe you could wear Jason’s clothes after a nice warm shower.’’ hehehe :D

Why did I think they were going to find something they won’t like once they get to his place, I hate it

‘’ You suddenly remembered the last time you and Jason were enclosed in a garage, close to each other, messy from a hard day of distributing winter jackets and food to those who stopped by’’ HEHEHE :D

“There’s no volunteers to interrupt us now.” I’m going to faint

‘’ The feeling of your lips, your sides, his body between your legs?’’ I fainted I swear

‘’ You could only laugh as Jason desperately tried to get the shirt through your arms.’’ GIGGLING IN THIS VERY MOMENT, I LOVE THEM

“I want to turn you into a mess.” Please take everything

‘’ After a shared warm shower, Jason gave you a nice pair of his dry clothes.’’ Mission accomplished

‘’ You walked around his place, relaxed after Jason’s…expertise.’’ KSJSKASJSJSJ

“I’m happy you’re here.” MY HEART

‘’ Jason chuckled, hugging you from behind smelling like the same soap in your hair, his face nuzzling into your neck. (…) When you walked around, Jason following you like a duckling’’ he’s so cute aaaaa

‘’You more than liked it. It smelt like Jason. A smell you’ll never grow tired of.’’ How can I get inside this fic please I need answers

‘’ Matching plushies, a book you picked randomly, a bookmark you gifted him, and a tiny paper frog you made while waiting for your table before dinner.’’ MY CRYINGGGG

‘’ He was more clingy than usual tonight.’’ I can’t help but worry about what’s about to come when I should be enjoying this

“When I asked around about it, they said Wayne Enterprises had it delivered.” Ugh no

‘’ Taking over the hard work he had volunteered for months.

Another sanctuary was being taken away from Jason’s grasp.’’ Nooo:(

‘’ Shared kisses, lost in each other’s presence, too occupied to notice the multiple buzzing sounds from Jason’s phone.’’ OH NONONO

‘’ It was a photo of his Lightning McQueen crocs on the plane. A big contrast to the fancy carpeting, expensive seats, and an up-to-date screen playing the children’s movie.’’ SJSJJS I love him

I’m so happy he’s back racing

‘’ The difference in your lifestyles hitting you. He was a rich racer, traveling the world in one of the most expensive suits in modern racing. (…) You felt…small. (…) How far was this relationship going? (…) Should you follow him? (…) What about your job?’’ honey don’t go that way :(

‘’ (Handsome) Mr. Todd: fast is the only way I go. you, especially, should know that ;)’’ this man I swear

‘’ Jason was busy going to opening days, press conferences, driving on the racetrack. His replies were becoming sparse.’’ Stop aaaaa

‘’ “I just saw— paper frogs that—vendor—the street and—grab some.” Jason’s voice went in and out of your mind, fighting the urge to sleep.’’ I’m happy he found some free time to call

‘’ Apparently, it had been a video call, but you hadn’t realized after you woke up this morning.

Jason not only heard you embarrass yourself, but he saw it too.’’ noooo JSJSSJSJ

‘’Putting on the shirt that smelled like Jason’’ <3

Racing Hearts Pt. 4

f1!driver!jason x reporter!reader

A/N: hello my gremlins <3 i wanted to share with u guys that i successfully moved YAY so that explains the update being slightly behind and the less responses i’ve given to comments (i read them all i swear <3) BUT HERE IT IS \(^o^)/ i took way too long to edit and rewrite the way i believe the story should go, im having so much fun with this series and i want to thank all of u who are supporting it from the beginning or saw the updates as they came. ENJOY the fourth chapter of the Racing Hearts series (ALSO THERE’S 300 FOLLOWERS WOW 🥹 THANK U TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT LIKE MY PAGE AND CONTINUE TO SUPPORT MY CRAZY SAD WRITING AND MY DRAWINGS i love reading your funny comments, unhinged reblogs, and talking about your favorite parts of the story, it really gave me the push to write and contribute to the jason todd community) and i just wanted to remind yall…i haven’t forgotten about that hurt/comfort tag :)

Check out the Racing Hearts masterlist! It shows all the updated chapters and upcoming ones <3

Tags: banter, agonizing fluff, hurt/comfort, strangers to friends to lovers, spicy if u squint, we’re hitting halfway thru the story so let me introduce what i do best…angst HAHAHA

Word Count: 4.1k

“In all of my career, I have to say that I never thought I would be standing here wearing…these.” Jason looked down to his feet.

The camera focused on the two of you standing next to one another, the lens following Jason’s stare toward the ground. The camera woman zooming in on the bright red Lightning McQueen crocs he was wearing.

You sheepishly admired the shoes, proudly smiling back up to Jason. Bewilderment plastered on his face as he couldn’t believe you actually gifted him Lightning McQueen merch, not even in private but in an interview with multiple cameras pointed at him.

What a predicament he was in. He was definitely not offended when you told him how similar the red car and he were.

“It’s a small thanks from the company for completing your third interview with us.” You smiled brightly at Jason. “Also consider it as a way for us to say ‘good luck’ for your upcoming season.”

Jason couldn’t believe it as he laughed. No matter how much time he spent with you, you always surprised him in the best ways.

“Y’know, I thought the Cars jokes were going to fade out, but you’re a bad influence on my fans.” Jason lightheartedly teased you, stomping his foot enough to let the crocs light up.

You fought a straight face, holding in laughter and trying to stay as serious as you could, but you were about to break any second. You bit the inside of your cheeks to prevent yourself from smiling, internally promising yourself that you would make sure to get a picture of him later.

You already had his new contact picture picked out.

“I couldn’t think of any other way of showing you my support.” You nodded your head proudly.

“Really? Nothing else?” Jason’s eyebrow rose, his tone sarcastic.

“You’re the best F1 driver I’ve ever interviewed.” You smirked, watching the shoes sparkle.

“I’m the only F1 driver you’ve ever interviewed.” Jason looked at you in disbelief.

“Anyway! We’re closing this as the last part of our series, I’m glad you were able to be a guest before you get busy putting on the RedBull uniform again, I know your fans will really enjoy that—” You wrapped up the finale, finalizing the last public appearance the two of you would have next to each other. A bittersweet ending.

But you always had the Jason laying with you on your couch. Feeding each other dinners, taking motorcycle rides late in the night.

“This can’t be the last time I see you. You’re my favorite interviewer.” Jason lulled his voice, rephrasing your earlier comment back at you. “After all, you gifted me something so…special.”

You paused, shocked at Jason’s forwardness with you, the timber of his voice adding an underlying flirty tone to him.

You’ve never talked to him about the public appearance about the two of you. Could you go public?

It’s for the camera. You silently told yourself.

“You have to win for me to see you again.” You smirked, quickly playing along with his attempt to fluster you.

“That’s too easy, you could try to make this a little harder for me.” Jason chuckled lowly. “It’s almost like you want to see me.”

Oh my.

“So much talk for someone who hasn’t started his comeback season.” You playfully rolled your eyes. “You also didn’t start your last season smoothly, so don’t talk so confidently.”

“But who sat at my last press conference celebrating my win? I don’t end things so easily.” Jason tilted his head as he looked down at you, tension increasing. “I’ll come back when I win, it’ll be our little secret.”

Jason winked at you, the cameras focused in on his face and your reactions.

You raised an eyebrow, trying to decipher between the RedBull Jason on camera and your Jason.

He was his playful self, the signature half smirk trying to get you to blush, but his eyes were soft when he glanced over to you.

You calmly gave in, maybe it was for the camera or maybe it was for you.

“Aw, that’s so sweet, but I don’t think I could keep that a secret.” Your polite smile opposing Jason’s mischievous one. “I don’t think you realize but,” you leaned toward Jason, pausing to eye his figure up and down, gleefully watching him pay attention to your every word. Your smile getting wider at how easily he was wrapped around your finger. “I’m a reporter, I can’t keep that beautiful face to myself.”

“But I’m really good at keeping them.” Jason stepped closer, eyes never leaving yours.

His eyes beamed a playful hue to them.

You cleared your throat, looking at the camera woman who also stared in awe.

Crap, the office was going to get suspicious.

“You should focus on winning first before you make any promises.” You coughed, diffusing the atmosphere Jason created as the film crew watched. “Then call my business number and you don’t have to keep any secrets.”

Once the camera stopped rolling, you resumed your professionalism. Saying goodbyes and getting final pictures for the website and both social medias.

All the previous interviews went well. The fans saw Jason’s personality in action, gaining more attention and love for the racer. Jason’s management team was satisfied with you and the attraction he was gaining before the season started.

It gave him the right press he needed to put him in the spotlight.

After Jason left with his management team, you finalized the video upload that his company agreed to. Your draft for a new article about Jason to be edited and reviewed for the upcoming week. It was business as usual.

Getting work done during the day, then meeting Jason for the evening.

When you got back to your desk, you organized yourself to overlook the release date for the final interview and reviewed for the next big project to tackle now that your work with Jason was finished. Multiple meetings with project managers and your team.

Work was picking up for you, managing larger projects, interacting with larger faces.

Jason lit the hallway to opportunities for you.

Your phone lit up next to your laptop, distracting you from one screen to another.

(Handsome) Mr. Todd: pick you up at 6?

You smiled to yourself. Happy, but bittersweet.

You reminded yourself that Jason’s off-season was ending. You wished time could slow down.

—— “Gosh, you’re so clumsy.” You adjusted Jason’s helmet. All the time spent with him reflected in your familiarity with the motorcycle helmet.

“Only for you.” Jason stood there, leaning down to let you reach around his head. Watching you worry about the two of you.

Jason had kept his promise to pick you up.

Most of the time he waited on you to get back from work. Sometimes pushing the boundaries and secretly meeting you for a quick lunch. Meeting him far from where your coworkers frequented.

Your first encounters were hidden behind the idea of work, finding answers to questions for interviews, or suggesting new places to eat.

It was like you couldn’t be apart from one another.

Oh, how you can change a man.

You let Jason fake his ignorance through certain tasks, giving him any reason to get you close to him.

But you gave into his every attempt. Not fighting against his clinginess.

Your roles would switch soon, he wouldn’t wait for you after tiring days of work. You would have to watch him race lap after lap on live television like the rest of the world.

He was leaving soon, you knew he would be busy, it was inevitable, but you wanted as much time before he left.

You sat behind Jason, his body warming the front of you as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

Holding onto him close, wearing the helmet he got you, feeling his solid stomach shift the motorcycle as you rode around the city. You were getting used to your new lifestyle, despite the hidden secrets you shared.

He couldn’t announce a relationship after you were waiting for the last installment of your interviews.

The timing wasn’t right and the meetings this would cause for you and Jason were going to give you a headache.

You heard the motorcycle engine interrupt your thoughts.

Jason slowing at a red light. He stopped, placing his feet on the ground to stabilize the two of you while you waited. The red glow reflected onto Jason sitting in front of you.

The streets were almost empty. Gotham barely waking to the darkness, a city that never sleeps.

“Jay.” You hesitated behind him.

“Hm?” Jason unconsciously acknowledged, resting his hand over yours around his stomach. Rubbing the fabric of his gloves onto yours.

“I want to stay with you longer.” You calmed your voice, careful in verbalizing your feelings.

“You want to drive around more? I think we can drive by—“ Jason continued to rub your wrists. Cars passing in front of him, the opposing traffic keeping you still.

“No, I don’t want to leave you tonight.”

Jason paused, his hand resting on yours, no longer moving. If the cars weren’t in front of you, crossing the intersection, you would have thought time was frozen.

Jason tilted his helmet back, to get a look at you.

You don’t know what he was looking for, your face covered by a protective helmet like his was, but he found what he needed when the light turned green.

It was green, but you stayed there, no other traffic surrounding you.

Just you and Jason.

“Want to come to my place?” Jason kept his black visor on you. “I have a killer TV to watch Cars on.”

You chuckled. Squeezing his waist a little more.

“Better have a good speaker for playing Life is a Highway.”

Jason smirked, hidden from your eyes as he watched you lean back into his warmth.

The humid air covering the two of you into summer clothing. Thinner fabrics and showing more skin.

Jason wore a simple fitted thin long-sleeve, matching the look of his helmet and gloves. It made a great view of his broad back.

A quiet exhale as he looked forward again, revving his engine to life to make a quick turn, opposite of your home.

You were racing the rain as Jason was taking you back, but after you spoke the magic words, how could he send you back home?

The dark summer rain clouds were no longer behind you, the two of you heading straight for them as you watch Jason take you down new streets, an unfamiliar path to Jason’s place.

“I don’t think you’ll make it to the living room before then.” Jason quietly spoke to the light drizzle hitting your bodies

“What did you say?” You couldn’t hear above the engine.

And he was right.

After you were soaked to the bone, fabric sticking to your form, water droplets falling down your skin. A glossy sheen from the harsh rain falling all around you.

Jason had pulled into his garage.

He was in the same state, wet clothes stuck to his skin. The water from you and the motorcycle dripping onto the concrete floor.

You pulled your helmet off, the only dry place.

Once Jason parked the bike, he took off his helmet, placing it on the nearest work table. Your body shivered as you threw your leg over to maneuver yourself off.

You looked down at your state, smiling in disbelief at being caught in the rain.

Maybe you could wear Jason’s clothes after a nice warm shower. You internally thought to yourself. Excited to enter Jason’s place. A new location unlocked.

When you put your helmet next to Jason’s, you could finally take in all of him.

Black shirt tight from the weight of the water, his hands littered with scars, free from the gloves. His hair dry, but messy.

All his muscles more prominent.

You stood in awe, your chest rising from the breaths you took. Humid air invading the inside of the garage, elevated from warm summer nights.

The sight of Jason reminded you of the professional pictures taken of him, leaving his Formula 1 car after a race. He was sweaty, running his hands through his hair with a towel in hand.

After all the time you spent together, it was your favorite photo of him. You secretly saved it because there was something about the look on his face, happy to win, alive on the track.

How attractive he looked was a definite bonus in your opinion.

Jason glanced over to you, finally realizing the state the two of you were in. He slowly looked you up and down, lost in the same visual you were in awe of once you saw him.

You suddenly remembered the last time you and Jason were enclosed in a garage, close to each other, messy from a hard day of distributing winter jackets and food to those who stopped by.

A slight warmth increasing on your face.

Jason stepped closer to you, hands grabbing for your waist to pull you in. His hands reaching under your chin to stretch your neck to adjust to his height.

Breaths mixing as your lips touched only from the movement of your lips unconsciously opening, ready to kiss him.

He waited.

Letting the pressure build as he spoke.

“There’s no volunteers to interrupt us now.” Jason lifted you, letting you sit on the surface of his work table. His arm swooping everything off as he cleared enough room for you.

You could hear objects fall, but you couldn’t care less as Jason stepped between your legs. Quickly, but carefully rubbing at your legs with his palms, his hands getting closer to the blurs of where your thighs met your waist.

Everywhere felt great that you didn’t know where to focus.

The feeling of your lips, your sides, his body between your legs?

You could only huff between the intensity he was igniting in you.

“Jay—inside—it’s cold.”

Despite your words, you didn’t bother to move. You kept touching, feeling everything before Jason lifted you again, the placement of his hands as he carried you, lifting the edges of your shirt.

The feeling of a mattress beneath you as you uncomfortably tried to peel the clothing off your body.

Jason chuckled at your frustration. You couldn’t bother to give him a snide remark as he also struggled to get your soaked clothes off.

When lifting the shirt didn’t work, you tried rolling the fabric, but it only bunched just below your sleeves.

You could only laugh as Jason desperately tried to get the shirt through your arms. Tangled in the mess you both created that you were left with a heavy shirt stuck around your biceps.

“Why is there always something stopping me from seeing all of you?” Jason laughed as he kneeled above you, his shirt completely off at some point along the way to his room.

“I don’t think a pair of wet clothes are going to stop you now.” You smiled at him, glancing up at his figure through the darkness. Only the city lights creeping through the blinds, illuminating his skin.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” Jason yanked your entire shirt off your arms.

You sucked in a breath at his desperation, memorizing the look of his face as he leaned down closer.

“I want to turn you into a mess.” He whispered into your mouth, kissing down your body.

Overwhelming gasps and breaths left your mouth the more he touched your skin.

“I want to touch you too.” You exhaled, trying to coherently express yourself.

“Next time, sweetheart. I want to focus on you. Everything I want is you.” Jason moved your hair out of your face, stuck from the sweat covering your skin.

The night filled with you repeating Jason’s name, no distractions keeping that man off of you.

After a shared warm shower, Jason gave you a nice pair of his dry clothes. You walked around his place, relaxed after Jason’s…expertise.

What you weren’t prepared for was just how normal his apartment looked. It felt like yours, but bigger, a little more luxurious like it was bought with the intention of having better quality to last longer.

You hoped he had no plans of moving anytime soon.

You stood in the kitchen in awe.

“You have a kitchen island.” You whistled in excitement. “Formula 1 money is good, huh? Maybe I need to pick up a Redbull uniform.”

Jason chuckled, hugging you from behind smelling like the same soap in your hair, his face nuzzling into your neck. You continued to speak.

“No, I can’t steal your fame.” You whispered to yourself. Jason feeling the vibration of your voice the longer he leaned into your neck.

“I’m happy you’re here.” Jason mumbled into you, ignoring everything you said.

“Me too, I’ve been curious where you live.”

“I invited you before, but I guess we’ve always gone to your place.” Jason smiled into your skin. “What do you think?”

“Its very…Jason. I like it.” You glanced around.

You more than liked it. It smelt like Jason. A smell you’ll never grow tired of.

His apartment was slightly bare, the space a little too large for the one man, but that was charming too. It felt like you were able to occupy that small empty space in his life.

When you walked around, Jason following you like a duckling, you noticed the small knick-knacks you bought with him on your dates.

Matching plushies, a book you picked randomly, a bookmark you gifted him, and a tiny paper frog you made while waiting for your table before dinner.

You felt cherished, looking at the physical representations of your memories together.

He grabbed you again, wanting the closeness. You fell back into him, the small paper frog in your hand, made from old receipt paper.

Jason resumed his prior back hug, absorbing your warmth.

He was more clingy than usual tonight.

“How was your trip to the charity today? I forgot to ask you about it at dinner, it must be hard to take a break from them to race again.” You leaned into him more.

Jason buried himself further. Not a great hiding spot since he was larger, but it was the thought that counted.

“I would love to hear about it.” You put the frog back on the shelf, letting it watch the two of you.

“It was good, I got to do one final check to make sure everything would be good when I’m gone. But…” Jason hesitated, squeezing you a little tighter.

You waited, rubbing circles on his forearm.

“I had noticed a lot of stuff come in, it’s a good thing, but it wasn’t like our usual haul. I didn’t recognize it as the stuff I brought over either.” Jason breathed, agitation filling his voice. “When I asked around about it, they said Wayne Enterprises had it delivered.”

Jason went silent. He was tense.

“I always tell that old man to fuck off. He never listens.” Jason sighed.

The last thing Jason wanted was another check from Bruce. Taking over the hard work he had volunteered for months.

Another sanctuary was being taken away from Jason’s grasp.

“I can’t stand it.” Jason whispered. His eyebrows taut.

You maneuvered your head back to kiss him on the cheek.

“I’m sorry, I know that was the last thing you wanted to happen.” You soothed.

Jason leaned in for more kisses.

“Don’t worry, I’m feeling better already.” He exhaled, his shoulders relaxing. Jason smiled into your skin, his voice returning to normal. “But looking at those damn crocs every morning makes me mad.”

You laughed as he grew bolder, pushing the topic aside as you leaned to the floor buried from Jason’s affection surge.

If he was deflecting, distracting himself from his hurt then you could let him kiss you a couple times to distract himself.

Shared kisses, lost in each other’s presence, too occupied to notice the multiple buzzing sounds from Jason’s phone.

——

Once the public release of the third and final interview was released to your company’s website, the usual flood of comments embraced the look at the two of you.

You lost yourself in the positive comments, ignoring the negative ones, but that was the price of social media. It was the evils of publicity.

You read comment after comment about the excitement to watch the fresh new season. Iconic racers coming back to their playing field, excited to reveal new car designs, getting the opportunity to collaborate with anyone and everyone.

As the time for Qualifying reached you, the temperature fully warmed and Jason wasn’t next to you to enjoy it.

He had conferences, practice drives, and flights to catch. Now that he was past elimination, it was time to test his fastest time.

It wasn’t even the peak of the season, but you were missing him.

You sighed into your phone, a small vibration felt in your palm. A message from Jason appeared.

It was a photo of his Lightning McQueen crocs on the plane. A big contrast to the fancy carpeting, expensive seats, and an up-to-date screen playing the children’s movie.

You smiled to yourself in your desk chair, but a small prick to your heart struck you.

The difference in your lifestyles hitting you. He was a rich racer, traveling the world in one of the most expensive suits in modern racing.

You felt…small.

The two of you hadn’t talked about what would happen once he started racing full-time again.

How far was this relationship going?

Would you follow him to his races around the world? Should you follow him?

Would you officially announce anything?

Was this an off-season romance? Only an off-season romance?

What about your job?

“Hey, we need to be there by one. Should we grab a quick lunch?” Your coworker called out to you, interrupting your pessimistic thoughts to yourself.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there. Meet you in the lobby?” You locked your computer, grabbing your key badge, ready to go out of the office.

You quickly typed out a message, taking advantage of Jason still on his phone.

You: Hey slow down try to give the other guys a chance

(Handsome) Mr. Todd: fast is the only way I go. you, especially, should know that ;)

You blushed, quickly putting away your phone to catch up with your team.

——

Jason’s performance during qualifying went as expected. He performed in P1, claiming and boasting as he usually did. His time seemed to be getting faster, raising the competition standards for everyone.

You only shook your head as you looked at the results on your phone, a small smile on your face.

Jason was busy going to opening days, press conferences, driving on the racetrack. His replies were becoming sparse.

You: I knew those crocs were good luck charms

No read receipt. No reply.

You kept yourself busy at work. Falling into a routine.

You checked your phone again during lunch. No messages.

Your apartment felt empty when you came home, no lovable man standing in the kitchen.

Still no reply from Jason. It would’ve made you sad if you weren’t so tired.

Your phone rang as you got ready for bed. Letting your head hit the pillow as you heard Jason’s voice in your ear.

“I just saw— paper frogs that—vendor—the street and—grab some.” Jason’s voice went in and out of your mind, fighting the urge to sleep.

His voice was too soothing.

“That’s nice, Jay.” You slurred.

“Sweetheart? Are you awake—“ His voice started to get farther and farther.

You couldn’t keep your eyes open and your dreams filled with you sitting in the stands, watching Jason race.

Wind hitting your skin, watching the flags fly in the air, engines roaring past you.

He was so far away and kept driving further away from you.

You jerked awake. Looking for your phone in the blankets.

You had fallen asleep while on your first phone call with Jason since he left.

“Shit, I wanted to hear his voice.” You shook the blanket in the air until your phone fell from it.

You looked at your call history. Apparently, it had been a video call, but you hadn’t realized after you woke up this morning.

Jason not only heard you embarrass yourself, but he saw it too. You quickly opened your messaging conversation.

You (Yesterday): I knew those crocs were good luck charms

You (Today): i’m sorry I didn’t know it was a video call

(Handsome) Mr. Todd: don’t worry about it, I got to see u when your phone fell off your face

“Nooo!” You screamed to yourself.

Your face fell in your hands as you read the messages coming in.

(Handsome) Mr. Todd: I got something out of it HAHAHA

(Handsome) Mr. Todd: let’s talk next time

(Handsome) Mr. Todd: I wanna hear your voice

You sighed.

Getting up to start your weekend, putting Jason’s live race on the TV screen.

Putting on the shirt that smelled like Jason.

Tag List: @jaybirdstreet @gallusstuff @meowkn @velvetberries @i0lovepink00 @rayaskoalaland @spidernuggets @janybabyy @deimks @yasmin-oviedo @bigraga-sk @indulgentdaydream @uhhellnogetoffpleasenowty @idontknowanythingsblog @xakilicious @livvyliv15

[lizzie-may-agitate]

I’ve been rewatching handmaid’s tale

When it first began airing, in 2016, it quickly became something I watched alone in off hours while my spouse was busy because they couldn’t stand it. It felt, to them, like excessive and needless pain - like political torture porn. It’s an understandable perspective, I think, and I couldn’t put into words at the time what exactly I saw in it beyond that.

But lately, I’ve had the scene from the “before times” where the main character finds out women have been stripped of their financial rights when her credit card is suddenly declined. There’s a believable mundanity to that moment, a relatability that stuck with me. The dread of realizing your bank account is empty, money gone faster than you anticipated and you’re not sure why, not knowing in that moment if you’ve overdrawn or been scammed somehow or if your paycheck didn’t go through or… or, I guess, if the government has seized your assets and reduced you to sub-citizen status without warning. It just felt like a very imaginable extension of an already familiar feeling.

I needed to watch it again, like listening to a song stuck in your head in the hopes of it unsticking. And the scene was later in the show than I remembered, and so many other little things were hitting in a way I know they didn’t back, and now I guess I’m rewatching the whole thing.

It only took me an episode or two in to realize what it was I got from this show, though. The thing that felt worthwhile, despite the brutality and the anguish that fills it. If nothing else it’s a reminder that it is possible to survive things that may be unimaginable to you now - that people have survived these things, and will again, and that survival is worth honoring. And it’s a reminder, simultaneously, of the importance of fighting back and refusing to give up or give in. That survival and staying alive are not always synonymous. It must be a reminder I need now more than I did then, because it seems so obvious to me now… which is in and of itself unnerving in a way.

The smallest, silliest thing that immediately stood out to me was the eyebrows. 2016 feels like it just happened, I don’t think of this show as “old,” I didn’t expect it to really look noticeably different than something made a year or two ago… but it does. Everyone’s eyebrows look so thin and trim and tidy, even in the “after” times. That’s how long it’s been, how long this dread has been living in the pit of my stomach, this quiet anxiety I’ve been rationalizing and coping with just fine but can never really shake.

The thing about the credit card scene, a thing I had forgotten and maybe the very thing I felt I needed to see again, is that it comes along much later than I thought. Not just in the sense that it was a later episode, but later in the process of the insurgent fascist government’s seizure of power. It happens suddenly, yes, but in the context of a drawn out unraveling that the characters have been steadily acclimating to. It’s an abrupt change, but it’s not shocking to them - at least, not quite shocking enough. The main character doesn’t immediately pack her bags and plan an escape. There’s objection and protest along the way, sure, but not they’re not flooding the streets and rioting. It’s less than I would have imagined in 2016, far less than the uprisings of 2020, but it feels proportionate now. It’s what I would expect now. And when the main character attends a protest, and senses that it’s about to turn, and begins retreating just in time as an armed force in riot gear opens fire - that feels believable now, too. Not that it didn’t before, but in a way that feels closer now. In a way that dulls the impact of the scene itself. And when the queer university instructor finds out she’s being shelved because a student glimpsed a photo of her with her wife and their child on her phone, that feels believable too. Believable like you could tell me it was already happening, and I just hadn’t heard, and I’d believe you. And all the scenes of men in positions of power discussing the birth crisis and coolly discussing enslaving women as a solution, that too feels believable. Tangible.

I kind of rolled my eyes when I first heard there was another season coming, had no real interest in sitting through another season of agony. It already felt kind of drawn out to me, I was already kind of over it by the end of season four (if not sooner). Rewatching it hasn’t changed my feelings on virtually any of the criticism I had or heard of the show while it was previously airing, but… I’m glad I decided to revisit it. I’m not sure how enthusiastic I’ll be for another season by the time I finish this rewatch, but it makes more sense to me now.

“Women are so adaptable, my mother would say. It’s truly amazing what we can get used to. I’ve been here for two months. What have I gotten used to?”

[wildwarcat]

Hello! I recently rewatched the lotr trilogy and fell back in love with Legolas 😍 if you’re still taking requests then I have a Legolas x reader fic to request! If you’re not taking requests anymore then feel free to ignore this 🙂 but I was thinking that the reader is immortal (they can be a kind of wizard similar to Gandalf but younger, or an elf) and over the centuries they visited Mirkwood quite a few times and became very close with Legolas. They’ve been in love with each other for a long time and when they’re both chosen to be a part of the fellowship they decide to get married in Rivendell before they leave because if there’s a chance they can die on the mission they want to made sure they’re truly bound to each other 😍 if you do end up writing something inspired by this then thank you in advance!

Okay it took me WAY too long to get to this request but I absolutely LOVE it! Like how could I say no to something like this?! Definitely gonna have multiple parts to this so ENJOY PART ONE!

For Forever Pt. 1 (Legolas x Half-Maia!Reader)

“You’re deranged if you think I’m letting you go on this journey without me.” You said, propped up against a pillar while Legolas inspected his arrows for any faults. 

“And you’re deranged if you think I’ll let you put yourself in danger like that.” He answered, not looking up from his arrows. 

You smirked and rolled your eyes, “I’ve had my fair share of danger in my five thousand years of life, mel nin. You should know that better than anyone.”

“And the last time we faced an enemy that came even close to this, you nearly died in my arms!” Legolas snapped suddenly, his blue eyes meeting your y/e/c orbs with fear. You cocked your head gently, your expression softening from arrogance to understanding.

“So that’s what this is about, is it?” You whispered, knowing that he could hear you, “My magic failed me that day. Azog’s forces were too strong for me then.”

“I nearly lost you. My love, my light, my life... all of it would have been snuffed out like a candle in wind had I lost you.” Legolas choked out, holding back the raw emotions that were coursing through him. He set himself down on the marble steps and let out a heavy sigh. You joined him, pulling the arrow from his hand and replacing it with your own smaller hand, feeling every ridge and callous on his palm as you laced your fingers together. 

“I was younger then; my magic was not strong enough to protect me because there had never been a time before when I had to wield it. Nor was I learned enough to wield it properly,” You admitted, giving his hand a gentle squeeze, “But I am not as young as I was then, my talents have grown stronger, as has my magic. At the very least, my skills are more impressive than they were the first time we met.”

77 years earlier

“Remember this, Y/N. Thranduil is not one to be taken for a fool. Even the slightest offense may have you banished from his realm.” Gandalf explained to you. Even the wise old wizard had his hesitations about entering the realm of the Greenwood, but you, still being young in the eyes of magic and time, were fearless at the thought of having to stand before Thranduil himself.

“If all goes as we intend it to, then we shall not cross paths with him or his people.” You replied, glancing over at Thorin Oakenshield, his dark eyes fixed on the entrance to Mirkwood, “Though I do fear that Thorin’s brash behavior may cost us safe passage.”

Gandalf set a hand upon your shoulders and hummed softly, “That is why you are going with them, Y/N. You know the ways of Mirkwood better than they do. And you know what dangers lie within its borders. The trees are your father’s realm, but the power of a dying forest can only do so much. So, remember this and remember it well: do not disclose your bloodline to the King of the Greenwood, he will only seek to use it to his own advantage and that is something we cannot afford.”

You nodded and tightened the leather bracers on your arms before looking back at your mentor and friend. Gandalf was already climbing upon his horse, planning to ride south to look into matters that did not concern Thorin Oakenshield… yet. With a final farewell to the dwarves and Bilbo Baggins and final knowing glance towards you, the aged wizard nudged his horse into a lively gallop south, leaving you in charge of the company. 

“Alrighty, gents, off we go!” You called out, leading them onto the weather-worn path that led through Mirkwood. 

The sight of the Greenwood from within was gut-wrenching to say the least. Your father, Draefend, a Maia of Oromë, had helped construct this forest at the dawning of Middle-earth, as he had Fangorn and Lorien and all the other woodlands of this world. But to see his work perish before your very eyes sent a sharp pang into your chest. 

As you and Thorin’s company wandered ever deeper, your mind began to drift to thoughts of your father.

‘How could he let it come to this? Why has he not intervened?’

It was these lingering thoughts that had distracted you long enough to lose Bilbo among the trees and eventually, the rest of the company as well. When you no longer heard the complaints of dwarves behind you, you glanced back to find yourself utterly alone in the wood.

“Gandalf is going to kill me.” You muttered, looking around for any sign of your compatriots, finding nothing despite your efforts. That was when an idea clicked into your head. Making your way over to a nearby oak, you set an outstretched hand upon its withering bark and whispered the words taught to you by your father when you were young. 

“Mighty forest, I ask of you this deed. Show me Thorin Oakenshield.” 

Your eyes flashed gold, and in an instant you were travelling through Mirkwood without taking a step until at last you came to a halt at the nest of several giant spiders. Tangled in their webs you saw cocooned beings wrapped in silk writhing and squirming as the massive spiders inched ever closer to them. Pulling away from the tree, your eyes faded back to their usual color and a smile spread across your face. Gripping your sword, you took off in the direction of the spiders, feeling your physical form change as you ran, until you were set upon all fours in the form of a golden deer, leaping and bounding over stones and felled trees with ease until at last you reached the company. 

In the time it had taken you to reach them, they had broken free of their silk cages and were now on the attack, killing spider after spider before them. With a gust of wind, your animal form faded, and you stood upright, drawing your sword and leaping into battle.  

The battle, though intense, was ultimately short-lived when a small battalion of Silvan Elves appeared. Though most of the spiders were dead or running off, the elves made quick work finishing off the few that remained before surrounding you and Thorin’s company. 

Thorin tightened his grip on his sword, growling next to you as a blonde-haired elf aimed an arrow between your eyes, but you whispered to him in his native tongue. 

“Thorin, atkât!” 

The dark-haired dwarf snorted but relaxed his hand and silenced his growls. Your eyes shifted to the elf in front of you, who’s arrow was still trained upon your face. You raised a hand and pushed his arrow to the side without fear, shock filling his bright blue eyes. 

“Mín ceri- ú- anír- a cost. Mín onlui anír- na aglon trí i glad peacefullui.” You told him, making his brow raise in surprise. 

“Peaceful or not, your presence is not welcome here.” He replied sharply, turning to his guards, “Search them.”

At once, the circle of elves disarmed and moved in on the company, pulling weapons away. The blonde elf took care to search you himself, taking your sword and dagger, as well as the spare hunting knife you kept hidden in your boot. 

“This is unnecessary, mellon nin. We are not your enemy.” You argued, y/e/c pleading as the elves went to work binding your hands.

“We are no friend to dwarves. Nor are they friend to us.” He answered, before motioning to his guards to lead you all away.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After some time walking in silence through the deepest and murkiest parts of the dying Greenwood, you found yourself standing before Thranduil’s halls, a massive stone haven bright and white against the darkening greens, browns and grays of the forest around it. Before you, a pair of large marble doors swung slowly open, wide enough only for the company and their unfriendly escorts to pass through before closing again. 

While you would have liked to take the time to drink in the elaborate craftsmanship of the Woodland elves as you passed through the halls of Thranduil’s palace, you kept your eyes forward, following Balin as he was led down into the dungeons of Mirkwood, while Thorin was brought to the king himself. The blonde elf who had searched you earlier led you to a cell larger than those the dwarves were placed into and shut the door behind you, but not leaving as his kin did.

“Why do you linger, ellon?” You asked him, your back still facing him.

“Why are you in the company of these dwarves, bein er?” He asked, his voice no longer harsh, but soft and almost gentle. Heat crept into your cheeks at the name he gave you, but you still turned to face him, your expression steadfast. 

“That business is my own. You have no right nor reason to know such things.” You replied smoothly, smirking as you studied him from head to toe. He was handsome, there was no doubt about that. Everything about him said that he was of noble blood, from his armor to the color of his hair, and even the swords he carried were of finer make than his companions. 

“You are Thranduil’s son?” You asked him, a brow arched. He looked back at you in shock, but nodded nonetheless. 

“I am Legolas, son of Thranduil.” He said, setting a hand to his chest and extending it to you respectfully, “May I know the name of my fair captive in exchange?” 

Your smirk shifted into a delicate half-smile and you returned the gesture, “You may know me as Y/N and nothing more.”

[h-grangers]

one shot

max mayfield x harrington sister

- sitting in max’s hospital room, with only your thoughts to occupy you.

i’ve never felt so drained before.

the events from two days ago feel like a blur. everything is hazy and i can’t remember much of anything.

of course, apart from the reason why my girlfriend is currently comatose and in a hospital bed.

i haven’t moved from her side at all, not until steve forced me to at least shower and pack an overnight bag if i truly wasn’t going to budge (which i wasn’t).

everyone else came and went, sending their “condolences” or whatever. it’s complete bullshit seeing as max probably doesn’t even know half of them.

well, it’s not like she’s able to tell me.

i told her that it was a bad idea. i told her that there was no way in hell we could possibly trick vecna. steve called me a ‘negative nancy’ (much to nancy’s annoyance) but sitting here, contemplating the past two days events, i wasn’t wrong.

and even now, steve (and everyone else) try to lighten the mood by saying that max could be in a much worse state, and i have to bite my tongue to refrain from telling them that she also could be in a much better one.

i know they’re only trying to help, but they just don’t get it.

and i think that’s the worst part. the fact that they don’t understand, and it leads to me feeling like i can’t talk to any of them.

steve always drops by the hospital for 30 minutes or so everyday, but he’s so busy with helping hawkins after the earthquake that we only have time for a light, quick chat.

lucas, my first friend since i can remember, visits the hospital as much as he can, to have a general talk with me or to read to max, but neither of us want to address the elephant in the room; what’s next for max. for hawkins. for everyone.

and let me not forget el

oh el.

where would any of us be without her?

i knew it wasn’t a ‘miracle’ that saved max. how could her heart stop beating for over a minute and then suddenly start beating again? even the thought of what i’d do without el brings a lump to my throat.

i run my hand over max’s bandaged hand, taking in hard, deep breaths. i feel like i’ve been fighting the urge to burst into tears every single second of the day.

steve told me this morning that the gang is getting ready for another fight, due to will feeling vecna’s presence and the ever changing weather.

another fight.

another war.

‘will it ever be truly over, max?’ i say quietly.

she doesn’t answer me.

a small part of myself believes that she never will again.

this short but.. ah definitely not sweet! i’ve been wanting to write this ever since vol II but every time i rewatch the scene of lumax in the hospital i burst into tears.

also, i had a different version of this done this morning and i saved it to my drafts. i went into my drafts a while ago to upload this and it never saved.. so i kinda rushed this sorryy lol

[landinoandco]

Our Love is a Game

Lando Norris x Reader

Request from @jamieeboulos

Warnings: pinch of fluff, cute ending because they are the best

Word count: 2.7 k

Requests are open :)

It all started with a phone number, an innocent exchange that would subsequently change the world you knew; mostly for the better. When you had met Lando, as far as you were concerned you had just met a 21 year old who lived in London and had a passion for cars. How wrong you were. It was only when things started to get serious that he sat you down and explained everything that came with being a formula one driver; more importantly the fandom that he was involved in. 

You had always been a private person and admittedly this piece of information almost broke your relationship but after some time to think you had decided that he was worth it all. You both decided it was a better idea to keep your relationship as quiet as possible - you took every precaution to make sure you stayed a stranger to the fans.

For the past 2 years, you thought you had managed to stay clear of the cameras, the photos and the twitch streams but it wasn’t until a fan-made compilation caused your world to spiral out of control. 

You and Lando were out for a run, it was a part of your morning routine - a great way to start the day and it was time that you two could escape the motor sport world and act like a normal couple without worrying about who might be watching. It was time you both valued and appreciated. On this particular morning, Lando had decided to add to his Instagram story, a short video of his morning adventures - the mist still hanging around the trees as you ran under a heavily graffitied bridge, the early birds song chirping animatedly. At the time you didn’t think much of it as you were too busy tying your hair back up to notice. 

It wasn’t until you got home and looked at his story that your heart stopped, rushing over to the kitchen island you placed your phone down and ran your fingers through your hair. It was a blink and you’ll miss it moment but in the corner of his video - the last millisecond before it ended - there was a flash of a purple top (the purple top you had been wearing) and a swish of brown hair as you chucked it back up into a ponytail. 

“Lando.” You called out, trying to keep your voice as calm as you could. You didn’t know why it had affected you so much - or why you were so desperate to keep your identity a secret. It wasn’t like you wanted to hide your relationship; you were the happiest you ever had been, everyday was exciting and offered new prospects - it was more that you were so used to being in this bubble with Lando, the idea of it bursting seemed rather unappealing. Usually you didn’t care for how others saw you but seeing some of the words that people used to describe him, it would be enough to trouble even the thickest of skins. 

Lando’s close proximity broke your thoughts as he stared down at your phone, pausing on the flash of brown and purple. “I am so sorry, love.” He almost whispered, his eyes widening at his carelessness. He picked your phone up to take a closer look. 

“It will be alright, won’t it? I mean, it’s a blink and you’ll miss it.” You had said, more to reassure yourself than Lando. He didn’t answer, anxiety building in the pit of his stomach because he knew exactly what he had started. 

The fan-made compilation didn’t go viral until a few hours later - as it turns out that flash of purple was the perfect cherry on top of an unappetising cake. Lando was sat on stream - not that this was out of the ordinary and Max had decided to join him, leaving you alone to rewatch Friends for the umpteenth time. 

The pair were sat reacting to videos on YouTube when a clip of a seal swimming into a shoal of fish started playing - the amusing part was that they kept quickly dispersing away from the seal in question. Unsurprisingly, they laughed and Lando spluttered: “This is me trying to find a girlfriend.” What the fans didn’t know was the apparent irony of that sentence and this was what caused the major meltdown; whilst Lando and Max were busy crying with laughter - that chat had filled up with the same link and references to the video you would be redirected through. 

Max was the first to stop laughing, tapping Lando on the shoulder as he pointed at the chat. Hundreds of the same message filled the screen: “That’s not what this compilation shows.” “Lando, what are you hiding from us?” “Lando and Max laughing knowing very well he has a girlfriend.” 

“Chat what on earth are you waffling on about.” Max chuckled uneasily, looking at Lando out of the corner of his eye. Lando sat with a forced smile, his nostrils flaring as he continued through the comments. He could only let out a tense laugh as he swallowed thickly - his throat feeling suddenly dry. You were still sitting, completely engrossed and unaware that Lando Norris was now trending on twitter. 

Max had come up with an excuse to end the stream not long after, Lando uncharacteristically quiet. His thoughts were with you in the other room, had you seen it? Did you know? How would you react? He felt as though he had lost all control, like he had failed you entirely - all he wanted to do was protect you yet he was the one to screw it up. 

“Hey,” Max nudged his shoulder, “It was bound to happen at some point. Let’s go and see if she’s seen it - if not then -” He took a deep breath, “We will watch it together. We need to know what we are working with here.” Lando nodded, unable to reply, his body went into automatic pilot mode and too quickly he was standing facing you. 

Pausing the tv, you looked at Lando - his jaw tightened and facial expressions set as though he had just seen a ghost. “Is everything ok?” You asked apprehensively. 

“There’s something you need to see.” Max reached for his phone, pushing Lando onto the sofa. You offered your arm to Lando, pulling him into a hug. Max pulled up the video and pressed play. A tense atmosphere held the room hostage - breath restricted and gazes fixed onto the tiny screen in front of you. 

It started with a clip from this year’s Goodwood - Lando preparing to drive his last hill climb - you remembered it well, a McLaren hat placed on your head mainly to cover your identity; knowing that there would be more than a few fans around. The clip moved to 3 separate stills - all of you in your McLaren hat. One with your back to the camera, you hand placed around Lando’s waist, the other two a side profile as you spoke to Max. 

The reaction was immediate, you slapped your hand to your mouth, Lando looked horror-struck and Max was watching you carefully. 

The video moved on, this time a clip from the quadrant video where Niran trains like Lando for 24 hours - Lando and Niran were in the kitchen preparing to eat their breakfast when once again the video moved to stills. This time they were of your reflection in the oven - holding the camera. You had thought at the time, if you were behind the camera it would stop every chance of you accidentally being caught on camera. Apparently not. 

The video had moved on again, this time to stills of Lando arriving on track - of course there was no way for you to get on track without being photographed and you were fine with that because you would just arrive after Lando either with Jon or Charlotte. Photos of you arriving with Jon and Charlotte flashed up - with them you were just another member of staff but put with those other stills and it really did yell out that you and Lando were romantically involved. Finally the flash of purple from Lando’s story. The game was up. 

“Oh my-” You stuttered as the video came to an end. Fortunately your Instagram hadn’t been shown but judged by how skilled you knew the fans to be - it would only be a matter of time. “I feel sick.” You admitted, wiping your hands across your face. Lando still hadn’t said a word, staring blankly at the floor. Max was the first to come up with something logical, turning to you and Lando. 

“It will blow over.” He started, “The fans will soon lose interest and move onto the next big headline. We just need to ignore anything we see regarding the subject.” He moved his attention to you. “Maybe avoid social media for a few days. Let everyone cool down -” Sensing your means to interrupt, he held his hand up. “I know you shouldn’t have to and I know none of this is fair but unfortunately people have no boundaries and believe because it’s on social media it is their business. If they were in our situation, I’m pretty sure they would be the first to complain. Let’s just go along with it for now. It will give you time to think about what to do next.” 

Lando cleared his throat, pulling you closer into him. “I’ve failed you. All I wanted to do was protect you.” At this, Max got up and left. 

Shaking your head, you pressed your lips to his forehead. “You could never. Think about how long we kept it secret for. Besides, until we announce or admit anything - it isn’t confirmed.” You offered, trying to soothe his worries. He nodded, still not convinced. 

“Our love is like a game and it’s not a game I enjoy playing.” He croaked, lacing your fingers together. 

“I know, Lando, I know. Let’s let everything calm down and then we can think about what our next step is.” 

Weeks later and it was the night before you were due to leave for your summer holiday. You would be spending it with Lando and some of his friends and family. Due to the current pandemic, it had been so long since you had been away - even if it was a bigger group of you going; you were still looking forward to spending that quality time with Lando. 

Max had decided to take himself and Tom off to the streaming room - leaving you and Lando to sort out the remaining items you needed for your time away. 

“I have a present for you.” He said suddenly, his hands behind his back. You beamed, taking a step closer to him. He shook his head, “If you want it - “ He pointed at his lips. 

Rolling your eyes, you pecked his lips then held out your hands like a child. Lando chuckled, “Close your eyes.” Hands still outstretched and eyes closed, you waited for Lando to present you with your surprise. He grasped your left wrist and attached something to it - “No peeking.” He added. A moment or two later, he dropped his hold of your wrist and said: “You can open them now.” You could hear the smile on his lips. You opened your eyes and looked straight to your wrist - he had given you a pink watch. You furrowed your eyebrows and looked up at him, his eyes twinkled as he then pointed to the orange watch on his wrist. 

“Watches?” You asked, confusion laced your tone. 

Nodding, he said, “We all have matching watches but in different colours - they are for our holiday away.” 

You gave him a lopsided grin and wrapped your arms around his neck, “I love it. Thank you.” 

In the streaming room, Max was having to ignore the majority of the comments because they were all asking the same thing: “Who was the girl from the compilation.” He was trying his hardest to keep moving off the topic, instead showing off the watches - it had been his idea, blue for him, orange for Lando, a child’s watch for Tom and a pink watch for you. He had listed off all of the colours and said who they belonged to: “And then pink-” He paused, mentally face palming. He looked over to Tom for assistance - he hadn’t meant to say pink at all. “And pink is for someone.” He cursed his poor excuse but as if by magic - Lando walked through the door. 

Distracting the stream from his slip up. 

Croatia was a dream come true, the hot summer sun on your back and the time to just relax and recharge. Days spent with Lando sunbathing on the boat or stuck in a tense game of Uno. Not being the only female was brilliant as well - as they got to go off and not feel guilty about leaving you on your own. 

Currently, you and Lando were standing in each other's arms - the afternoon drawing into the evening as the sun began to set. You had your arms around his neck and his arms were around your waist, sighing contentedly you broke the silence: “This is nice.” He pressed his lips into your hair, a sign that he agreed with your statement. In that moment, it was just you and him - everyone seemed to disappear from around you and all worries vanished. It was the simple yet affectionate moments that had always meant the most to you. You felt as though you could relax every muscle in your body, listening to his steady heartbeat - you wished for this moment to never end, to forever be in his arms and to not worry about who sees you there. 

Ever since that compilation had been made, the thought had been on your mind a lot. Were you ready to go public with Lando? At the end of the day you were both happy and surely that was the most important thing. 

Later that night, you were sitting eating your meal when a phone was handed to you, displayed on it was a picture of you and Lando - in each other’s arms. 

Instantly you knew what this meant, looking at Lando you were met with the same expression. He did as well. 

You and Lando had decided it was time to announce your relationship, there was no point sneaking around anymore if people knew and were looking out for you. You had agreed that the best way to do it was if you joined him in a stream, that way they got to know you a bit more for who you were. 

“Is it ok to feel as nervous as I am?” You asked him, pulling up a chair beside him. He was setting up the stream, two mugs of tea placed in front of you. It seemed completely unnatural to sit facing the camera. 

“I mean, this is kind of a big deal so yes I would say, it’s completely natural for you to feel nervous.” He reached for your hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it. Nodding, you took a deep breath. 

“Ok. I’m ready.” You said, your heart beating at a million miles an hour. The corners of his lips turned up, leaning in to leave you a kiss on the lips. 

“I love you and I’m so proud of you.” He admitted quietly, as though you were the only person in the world, his eyes flickered with complete adoration. 

“I love you too. Now, shall we start it?” 

Lando went to press the start stream button but paused. He turned back to face you, his eyes wide and offered an apologetic smile. 

“What did you do?” You asked, a smile toying at your lips as you had an idea of what it might have been. 

“Stream, meet my girlfriend.” 

He had already started it...