#sucks that I found that friendship with someone idk works romantically long term

[fallenoutoflove]

All my friends wishing I was single last night (yet they love my bf as a person) says a lot to me.

I truly find this the most confusing relationship to be in ever.

Some of the things I question, feel wrong to question. Other things feel completely valid.

Parts of me want to stay and make it work, other parts of me keep arguing to myself why should I?

No part of me wants my partner out of my life, but also no part of me at this point can confidently say this is forever.

Ive decided I’m going to give myself a deadline with this feeling. Either im all in, or im all out. But we have to decide

[vitosscaletta]

🍓 🍓 🍓🍓🍓🍓 for ALL your vampire kids! 🦇

AIRIKA..TY FOR MY LIFE! ok this is gonna be long 

CHRISTIAN

🍓 — he’s over 300 years old (that technically makes him an elder according to the lore book… overpowered king) & was embraced in the 1600s, he was the son of a french marquis back in the day 😳 He lived in Versailles for a long time & considered it his home even though people would literally shit in the corners there -_-

🍓 — has NO idea how technology works… he has one of those ugly early 2000s flip phones because he saw other people having those but has absolutely no idea how to use them, much less a computer. Most people just think he’s ~romantic or something for writing letters but he really has no idea how to write an email :(

🍓 — He’s the baron of Bel Air.. has a nice mansion there bc living for over 300 years gives you time to hoard that much money ig. 

🍓 — His grand-sire (??) is Helen of Troy 😳 overpowered af bloodline

🍓 — He doesn’t care about vampire politics in the slightest and is sort of aligned with the camarilla bc he has power within them but there’s no loyalty or conviction.. the main reason he’s in it is to start drama and watch it unfold 💅 He and La🥐 can’t stand each other but also can’t do anything about it… Strauss is okay with him but they’d also sell each other out for one corn chip.. He’s sort of frenemies with Gary, they hate each other because… yknow toreador and nosferatu but they’re equally shady so there’s mutual respect… in an odd way 

🍓 — He doesn’t have any other childe..r… whatever the term is except miss Helena.. he hangs around humans a lot but has no real attachment to them (except being kind of a hoe and.. yknow.). She’s the first mortal in a long time he felt anything for which was mostly just good old toreador obsession but he thought it was love.. she vaguely resembled a lost love of his. and had potential I guess so he actually got permission for embracing her babey… just not from her bc he didn’t even consider someone wouldn’t want to be a vampire.. 🙄

HELENA

🍓 — Having OP Christian as her sire did have its perks even though she hates his guts for embracing her… She automatically had a pretty good position within the camarilla through connection alone :^) she works as sort of an informant/spy for the prince directly.. which puts her at odds with a bunch of people - they either think she’s an inexperienced little girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing and works for an incompetent prince OR hate her for being in his sort of inner circle without having to work for it (like Victoria. she thinks that)

🍓 — CRINGE but it be like that sometimes… she’s descended from a looong line of vampire/witch hunters on her dad’s side - he’s from a catholic german family who was largely involved with the society of Leopold. Michael himself wasn’t overly religious (still studied theology but didn’t actually care) and left all of this behind when he moved to america & got married but after he and Jenny divorced he was like “know what… time to become a zealot again”. His ex-wife and daughters are completely unaware of that of course 😳 dunno if Helena sees him again after becoming a vampire 🙄 but yknow.

🍓 — Doesn’t have any of the “vampires are better than mortals” superiority complex that a lot of the others seem to have.. does think thin-bloods are losers though kjdkjdfnms

🍓 — Only video game she plays is the sims!! she bought ts1 when it came out for fun and got hooked.. ts2 is even better!!!!! first thing she did was make a sim that resembles her and marries a business tycoon 💅💸

🍓 — owned one (1) YSL dress she bought from her savings (which was USED)  but she couldn’t afford anything else so she just wears it with something she found at hot topic every time she goes out with her rich fake friends pre embrace. When she works for La🤡 and actually makes some money she can afford a SECOND dress babey! with shoes!!!

🍓 — She’s actually really into some standard 2004 radio pop songs but also emo songs at the same time.. except the genre didn’t have anything good in 2004 except three cheers for sweet revenge (she’s also really into evanescence, green day and blink 182 which isn’t really emo but it was still part of the experience™ nfdkjdf) - which is also her entire aesthetic summed up, emo meets theatre kid prep.. Helena: *googles “how to look like Gerard Way and Britney Spears at the same time makeup tutorial”*

ERIN

🍓 — sdjhsdh cringe but she’s always been kind of a weirdo but was pretty good at hiding it/acting normal & was part if the prep gang in her high school days (not the leader, more the kind of the replaceable third wheel), she always preferred hanging out with the weirdos though. Post-embrace everyone just thinks “lol crazy malkavian” so she’s just like 🤷‍♀️.. 

🍓 — Her sire, Ray, was suuuch a freak but she liked him because he was something.. different in her sheltered, dull life and made her feel excitement she hasn’t felt in a long time. He bails on her after embracing her bc he sired her without permission & fears execution (even though literally no one cares or even knows he sired someone) but has letters delivered to her from time to time instructing her what to do lol

🍓 — Actually enjoys the freedom vampirism gives her? She’s officially dead so she has the option to start again and be whoever she wants to be… it’s scary at first bc she has no idea what’s going on and where these voices come from but she gets used to it, also the voice of her late grandmother in her head is a comforting presence for her… I imagine she’s actually in there kinda like the heart in dishonored, afterlife isn’t her granddaughter’s mind but it’s sort of an echo of her? IDK she tinkered with magic in life so supernatural schizophrenia added that to Erin’s mind.

🍓 — She loves early 2000′s radio pop (yknow.. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson… etc) but also classical music, stuff from the 20′s, alternative rock, the early 2000s goth music that’s playing in L.A.’s nightclubs …. she’s gonna thrive in 2006 when a fever you can’t sweat out drops!!!

🍓 — She’s part of the anarchs but mostly hangs out in hollywood or downtown (only goes to santa monica to visit the asylum (BEST nightclub ever in her onion. isolated SLAPS)

🍓 — yknow in the 2000s when people had invader zim merch from hot topic.. she owns this backpack 🤦‍♀️ it clashes with the rest of her style which is already a horrendous mix of victorian/early 20th century gothic and 2004 prep style 

VICTORIA  

🍓 — her background is still a BIG wip but she was born at some point in the late twenties/early thirties and embraced in 1954 :^) she was a bit of a workaholic and had an intense work ethic but never made it far within the company she was working for because it’s the fifties (thinking maybe it was her father’s company bc she was RICH.. there was a feud between her & a few male relatives on who’s gonna lead or something)… She was eventually noticed by a ventrue businessman who thought her ambition and no-nonsense attitude would be a great addition to the clan - She was promised a opportunity to rise within a different society without le sexism. Go white feminist queen!

🍓 — her embrace wasn’t really what she thought it would be.. drinking other’s blood REPULSES her and she has a hard time adjusting to it, plus kindred society isn’t really what she imagined - by the time she’s embraced L.A. has no camarilla presence so there’s really nothing for her to do so she moves to New York to join them there.. except she’s stuck with a shitty job and no one taking her seriously because of her age 😒 When they establish a presence in Los Angeles she’s the first to suck up to the prince & be assigned a somewhat high position (I guess adviser to the ventrue primogen and also being tight with the prince is good!!)

🍓 — She dresses very business-y BUT always designer bc she got money 😳 her wardrobe is chic but also minimalist, also with a hint of fifties design because fashion peaked then in her opinion.. mostly in dark colors, reds, browns and mostly black combined with minimal jewelry and high heels… very very elegant

🍓 — genuinely loves romcoms from the 50s and 60s (doris day & rock hudson movies b*tch!!) but also “newer” one from the 90s and 2000′s.. notting hill, pretty woman and 13 going on 30 are her favorites that she watches when she’s off duty, cozy in her downtown apartment.. but don’t tell anyone 😤

🍓 — She’s THE queen bee within the L.A. camarilla… doesn’t have any friends in her workplace but she’s respected by everyone and that’s what matters to her (it does get lonely sometimes but it be like that. She’s not gonna give up her status for shallow friendships 😒)

🍓 — loves those ugly small 90s/2000s glasses but they clash with every outfit she has so she doesn’t wear them

[ivyanderscn]

COURTNEY EATON   ,   CIS FEMALE   ,   SHE/HER         →         according   to   the   school   records   ,   IVY HAEATA ANDERSON   has   been   attending   sacred   heart   for   the   past   three years   .   i   last   saw   them   hanging   around   the john bracken library   ;   i   think   they   were   writing poetry in a leather-bound notebook   .   at   twenty one   years   old   ,   ivy   has   been   studying   english literature  and   get   this   ,   i   heard   that   she roams the tunnels when plagued by insomnia in the dead of night   —   figure   it’s   true   ?   everyone   around   here   always   associates   them   with   faded photographs with illegible writing on the back, shaky hands clutching a bouquet of wilted flowers, and the soft sound of rain hitting the roof   .   in   the   time   since   these   strange   happenings   ,   they   have   encountered   unexplained   occurrences    .         (   written   by   rose   ,   23   ,   she/her   ,   est   )

hello lovelies!! my name is rose and apparently i like plant names because this is ivy! i’m super excited to be here. like this and i’ll hit you up to plot!! (or you can dm me, my discord is scoops troops#4933)

tw for death, bullying

- ivy grew up in kaikoura, new zealand. her mother was also raised in kaikoura, while her father was from england. they met as students at the university of canterbury. they had always known that after they graduated, he would go back to the uk, but what they hadn’t planned on was her mother becoming pregnant with ivy. (it was very scandalous, especially given that this was 1952). he had a promising job offer back in england so he left, leaving ivy’s mother and grandmother to raise her. she had a happy childhood in a beautiful beachside town, raised by two women she loved and admired. ivy did go to england every year to spend the summer with her father, and while she didn’t have the best relationship with him, she knew he loved her in his own way.

- when ivy was 11, her mom died. it was extremely devastating for both her and her grandmother. ivy had always been shy, but the loss made her retreat even further into herself. she had always loved reading, and after her mother’s death books became her best friends. she began reading at an advanced level and always had her nose in a book. it wasn’t long before she started writing, too, mostly journaling but also short stories and poetry (the kind of stuff she looks back on now and cringes, but was decent for an 11 year old). a couple years after her mother died, ivy found a box filled with dozens of her mother’s journals. she’s read every page at least five times, and sometimes will look through them to see what her mother was doing on that day however many years ago. they helped ivy feel close to her mom, and the profound impact that they had on her inspired her to become a writer.

- ivy’s shyness made her kind of an easy target in terms of bullying, a seemingly never-ending stream of insults and name calling, and for a long time she just took it because she didn’t think there was any other way to deal with it. but one day when she was in high school, some boys said some… less than savory things about her mom (small town, young single mother, people suck, etc. etc.) and she flipped out. like all of this anger that even ivy didn’t know was bubbling under the surface just kind of exploded. it was so shocking to people, for this sweet, quiet girl to become so loud and angry, that they found it amusing and the bullying got worse. 

- her grandmother was her rock, but she decided she wanted to get as far away from there as she could, and her father suggested she look at universities in the uk. ivy wasn’t sure what drew her to sacred heart, but it just felt like the place she was supposed to be.

- given how shy ivy is, she’s not always the easiest to get to know and she doesn’t have a lot of friends. she’s definitely a wallflower type (wow my subconscious really named this wallflower after a plant that grows on walls, idk how to feel about this lsakdjfhsldkfjhsd) and she typically lets other people take the lead in conversations. she comes across as mousy, in a sweet sort of way. but for the people who actually do get to know her, she’s an extremely kind and loyal person. she’s really passionate about literature and art and music and history and if you’re talking about any of that? all of a sudden she won’t shut up. she doesn’t handle strong emotions well, like she definitely happy cries. and angry cries. and tired cries. basically she cries a lot. her anger is a lot more in check than it was when she was a teenager, but if she feels like someone or something she cares about has been disrespected she will lash out quite suddenly. (and then go cry about it). she’s kind of a mess, emotionally speaking, the one thing that really helps her handle that is writing about her feelings, and she journals religiously. 

- a few quick headcanons: she listens to music like 92% of the time and you can thank her dad for a deep love of britpop and jazz. she loves baking and if she has access to an oven she’ll probably give you cookies on a regular basis. she’s left handed and the side of her hand is always covered in ink smudges. she’ll do stupid things because she thinks it will be good inspiration for a story, when in reality, she’s just being stupid. she has terrible insomnia and sometimes reads encyclopedias to try to fall asleep. she likes to hide behind a camera and take pictures of other people to avoid having pictures taken of her. cannot sing to save her life. loves black coffee and cigarettes and is in denial that beatniks aren’t cool anymore. is pretty much always carrying around a book. scribbles in the margins of everything. her new zealand accent is noticeable but not thick, and is gradually fading the longer she’s in the uk. 

and more aesthetics because it was really hard to narrow down to three: dirt underneath your fingernails, tear-stained cheeks, getting lost in a museum, messy hair, always being cold, stargazing, oversized wool sweaters, preferring to listen rather than speak, homesickness.

wanted connections:

ride or die!!, fairly self-explanatory, someone she can be 100% herself around and in exchange for their love and friendship she’d, you know,  die for them

close friends, pretty much the same thing??

someone she knew from her summers in england!! (i’m pretending that new zealand has their extended school break during the northern hemisphere summer ok)

roommate, i don’t know which would be better, them getting along or them hating each other

enemy/annoyance, it’s not exactly easy to piss her off but once you do she is pissed

writing buddies?? like they share their work with each other and give notes and stuff, maybe in some sort of club?

some sort of mentor? a lit professor would be great but really anyone who teaches the arts/humanities, bonus points for cultists

a professor who hates her, she’s such a goody goody that would really kill her

bad boy meets good girl, honestly i’m a sucker for this trope, i love mess what can i say

really any kind of opposites attract situation, romantic or platonic

flirtationship, she’s really not good at being upfront about how she feels but maybe she’ll write something that’s the poetry version of subtweeting about them, she’s angsty as fuck

exes, just more mess and angst please and thank you

idk if this is too sadistic but maybe the wrong corner of a love triangle? like, the corner that gets left behind when the triangle becomes a line (i can’t do geometry analogies i’m sorry) just a thought because...mess

literally anything, i’m not picky, i want it all

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1. I am an INTP 5w6 female and I want to know how to meet new people, it didn't bother me before but I had a boyfriend.of 1.5years and I now miss having someone in my life, don't remember exactly what I wrote but I thought I had made a good choice and was really hopeful about that relationship and I tried hard to make it work but I couldn't deal with his bs anymore, I did for a while cause I thought he was worth it, I've been trying to build deeper relationships but didn't care before so imbehnd

2. My ex wasn't extremely manipulative but he lied and hid things from me and got angry when I complained when his stories made no sense, I left We knew each other for so long and I couldn't deal with him not apologizing for his bs and blaming me for what he was doing, I just couldn't justify the relationship even if I still loved him This lead me to believe my strategy was wrong since I thought I knew him and that he was more mature than that, no matter how high the filter this could happen..

3. It's just so disappointing, you know? That people can be such assholes after managing to present themselves as the opposite of that for so long I've never really had close friendships except for my ex, and a few friends (I guess?) I didn't care much for this before since I'm alright on my own, but I found that I really liked having someone, so I'm trying to meet new people now that I'm more or less healing, but idk how to do it, acquaintances used to fall in my lap before but not anymore

4. I'm 23 yo, about to get my degree. I do have a crush on a classmate but when I try to picture us going out it feels awkward and weird since I don't know him very well, I need to know people well before considering dating... I'm just very lost and I feel kind of behind from everyone else since I'm super inexperienced (only that one bf, and it was long distance...) and idk how to correct that at this point. I've been dressing better so people treat me better (haven't noticed, makes sense tho)

5. People do seem to like me well enough but I guess everyone already has their group of friends and is too busy to invite me places often enough that I become part of the core group, but I'm getting there, a bit (I think) I've been going everywhere I've been invited with my classmates lately but they don't really bring anyone new, I've managed to be a step up from acquaintance with a girl friend, which is nice, with older friends the same thing happens, even if we come across their friends...

6. I've always had a hard time fitting in very well, romantically I'd love to have someone at a similar experience level because I feel like I missed out on being a crucial relationship for the other person, but my ex had several gfs before and I didn't care too much then but now I do because afterwards certain things made me feel bad, but I guess I could manage anyway.I also get paranoid when I read what other bs some people manage to do like marrying someone but loving their bestfriend instead

7. I apologize for making it so long but I thought it'd be necessary to give a bit of info on myself and my thoughts, my age, what I've been trying etc I just wanna meet good people at this point in my life and want some tips on how to do that without taking extremely long only for them to be assholes anyways... I think I've managed to make some more acquaintances but I've only clicked with two girls I talk to outside of the classroom when we're not hanging out, gonna focus on them rn-----------------------

(very long response ahead)

I know this is not what you asked nor is it necessarily going to be helpful or relevant but: I would strongly rethink your type. Ti-doms and 5s are both vanishingly unlikely to drop seven asks worth of highly personal and emotionally open information in the inboxes of total strangers.

With regards to the actual question, this is really not an MBTI question (more on this at the end) and not entirely something I’d consider myself an expert on. I very much hope I am not the only person you can go to on this because I personally wouldn’t want me to be my only source of advice on this. With those caveats, see below.

I think Tumblr (and to be fair some forms of media) portray friendships and relationships as an attraction at first sight/immediate connection.

This is fucking stupid.

Because I tie everything back to my personal soapbox causes: this is why I have such disdain for the anti-small talk crowd, or people who think they’re special because they crave a deep, below-the-surface human connection. Nearly everyone wants deep connection. It’s normal and healthy. It’s also an ongoing process that nearly always involves some period of time during which you and the other potential friend are awkward acquaintances who don’t entirely understand each other and have to talk about surface-level things. You can’t speedrun intimacy.

This is particularly true in adulthood. Children do make friends more quickly, but also children are weird and fickle and a friendship can be based on little more than sharing crayons (not to knock that, plenty of great friendships started that way) while adults have a much better sense of who they are and also typically a much more narrow definition of who they want as a friend and all kinds of emotional baggage to boot.

Essentially, if you want a friendship that matches the depth of a relationship of 1.5 years it’s probably going to take close to 1.5 years to get there, and from what you said you’d known each other even longer before the romantic relationship, so add that time too. Which might not be what you want to hear, but it’s important to manage the expectation. Basically all relationships (and by this I mean romantic or platonic) start out with little connection, and you become friends through building that connection, and you can’t really rush it.

I believe in “clicking” in the sense of there being an immediate mutual interest in getting to know each other better, but speaking practically, regardless of the initial chemistry you are still basically intrigued strangers at that point. All clicking does is provide additional motivation for that process of getting to know each other. And speaking from experience, deep friendships in the long term don’t always have an initial “click”. I’ve had relationships that were initially quite intense fade away, and others slowly grow from acquaintanceship into lasting intimate friendship even if we didn’t expect it on first meeting. The myth of clicking is confirmation bias - unless there was a serious fallout, you’ll probably forget the people who you thought you clicked with if it didn’t just work out, and conversely it’s not hard to look back through the lenses of memory and nostalgia and find a single moment when a friendship or love crystalized, even though the reality is that it was merely the tipping point after considerable energy had already been invested on both sides.

In terms of practical advice, finishing up a degree is a uniquely awkward time, especially if all your classmates are in the same boat, because there’s often a mentality of “we’re all going to leave soon, let’s stick with the friendships we have.” Others in your class may not have that motivation to make a close connection, and it sucks but it’s temporary. The good news is that the larger world doesn’t feel that way. It is a bit more difficult to make friends as an adult, just because you’re not spending time with people naturally the same way as you do in school, but meetups and clubs and social organizations all exist for this reason and are explicitly there for people who want to make friends. And again, it’s going to be a slow process. I respect that it’s frustrating having to start from what feels like square one, but it’s unavoidable.

As for dating, you don’t need to do apps if you don’t want to! But you’re right. It’s going to be comparatively inefficient. Particularly if you prefer to date people you already know socially, you’ll have to put in a lot of effort going to social things and building those acquaintanceships over time and you might need to ask someone out face to face. Inexperience is fine. Everyone has to start somewhere. The tradeoff is more that you can’t screen people as well if you’re on apps, and they can be kind of impersonal but you do get to interact with many people quickly on your own terms without having to go outside and with the luxury of being able to think up witty comebacks instead of having to chat in real time.

(I do want to counter the idea that people who use apps are any less deep or anything like that. Some people are comfortable with casual hookups and some aren’t, but many people use apps to set up a date first and see if they have enough of an interest to keep things going. As with all of the above, everything has to start somewhere and if you think of the app as a way to facilitate meeting people, rather than “I must make a romantic connection with this person tonight”, and steer towards dating vs. hookup apps/make it clear you’re looking for long-term relationships, you might have more luck. The point of the first date for most people isn’t to find a partner, though sometimes that happens; it’s to find someone you enjoy enough to go on a second date with and slowly get to know).

One final thought: all this advice applies universally but I actually think considering it in the context of MBTI is more harmful than helpful, or at best misleading. For example, you say that being a 5 you take too long to check if people are safe, which whether or not you actually are a 5 also has absolutely nothing to do with being a 5, and even if you are a 5 and this is a 5 thing, you’re aware of this behavior! You can stop doing that then! MBTI is not destiny!

Regardless of type, no one automatically knows what to say in every situation, no one can read minds, and no one has discovered the secret to always being liked and never being rejected. Type can convey talent or inclination but skill requires time. Extroverts are often better with people because they have to be - they aren’t as okay with just being alone, especially when younger, so they go out and deal with people and through that process learn to make friends. But they weren’t born with it. Sites that favor introverts and/or intuitives are terrible for a lot of reasons but I find they perpetuate the ideas I disagreed with above, that friendships for introverts and intuitives must always be with people who Click and Already Get It. This is wrong and it’s limiting. Obviously don’t pursue a friendship or relationship if you don’t like the person, but don’t write someone off just because you didn’t feel a magical spark right away. That’s not being deep and sensitive - that’s being closed off to new experiences. Anything worth doing involves real-world effort and some amount of risk, and usually it involves patience and time and awkwardness and uncertainty as well.

[izzy-b-hands]

RULES: TAG 10 MUTUALS YOU WANT TO KNOW BETTER!

Tagged by @sevdawn thank you so much!! I’ve been wanting to do something like this or an ask game thing for a while now; you’ve got good timing! 

Name: Aly

Star Sign: Virgo

Height: Haven’t really formally measured since like the beginning of high school, but about 5′3 (160 cm) ish? Short as fuck around most other people lol. 

Put your music on shuffle. What are the first 4 songs that pop up?

Quick warning again about my all over the place music taste, so this could be...interesting.

1. The Blinding--Babyshambles

2. We Both Go Down Together--The Decemberists

3. Gallows Strung--Snow Ghosts

4. Never Land (A Fragment)--The Sisters of Mercy

Ever had a song/poem written about you? Only a few that I know of--a close friend and I were always sorta/kinda crushing on each other thru middle and high school and were big time into wanting to start a band at the time (in addition to being in creative writing classes together) so we wrote lyrics and poems and stories that we occasionally would admit were about each other, or would avoid admitting it was about the other in the awkward way kids do lol. 

Last time you played the guitar: Oh god, not recently enough! I should be practicing way more than I am, but work has kept me kind of exhausted lately--so about two weekends ago, if you count a very quick solo jam session to work on the soundtrack for the TV series I’m writing. 

Celebrity crush: Y’all are evil. I kid, most of you who follow me can probably guess these already--the guys of Avatar (Tim and Kungen in particular tbh, not that they aren’t all gorgeous and talented of course!), Teemu and Jari of Wintersun, Janelle Monae, Tessa Thompson, Ville Valo, Jessica Chastain, Richard Ayoade, Daniel Dae Kim, and A$ap Rocky are the crushes I either A: never outgrew from my teens or B: acquired as a young adult and let myself daydream about because real life is crushing as fuck--may as well let daydream version of me have all their romantic dreams come true lol. 

A sound you hate + a sound you love?

Hate: Oh god my ASD comes into play here, there are so many I could list, but one of the absolute worst for me is the sound of someone scratching their nails along silk. I recently tried listening to a new band who had a sound like that incorporated into one of their songs and my ears basically died until I turned the song off. 

Love: I could easily list music here, but I wanted to go with a different sound instead--the caw of a crow. The sound is really soothing to me, and there’s usually always a ton near our building, so their cawing even wakes me up on the few mornings I can sleep in, and it is really nice calming sound to wake up to. The one thing that is probably really silly but that I haven’t looked up is if Gothenburg or Sweden in general are home to any sort of crows (or ravens, I love listening to them too.) If it isn’t, then that might be one of the few things I’ll miss from the US. 

Believe in ghosts? Kind of? Like, I want to think that there’s some way all of our minds and souls can keep communicating after death, floating around each other, getting to meet people we’d always wanted to in life, meeting up again with people we lost touch with while alive, etc. But then part of me knows how science plays into some of it (like certain vibrations and sound waves making it feel like we’re being watched, even if we aren’t) so I sometimes wonder if I’m not just being silly in wanting to believe. But then I also remember that someday I’ll be dead no matter what, so if I want to believe and it isn’t hurting anyone, then why not believe? Life is short and painful, take your joys where you can. 

Do you drive? Nope. Anxiety and what my doctor calls ‘PTSD-like symptoms’ from past driving accidents with family behind the wheel keeps me from it. I’ve tried, over the years, to get my permit and license, but it never happens, and I’ve really lost any urge to ever want to try again. I was once at a point where even being a passenger made me terrified--I’m past that now, but idk if I’ll ever drive. I’d rather, at this point, rely on public transit and learn to bike ride so I can use a bike once I move to a more bike-friendly locale. 

Last book you read? A random collection of poetry that I had to buy for a poetry class when I was in college. It is the huge tome, and I’ve been working my way through it to find all of my favorites. 

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Shouldn’t, but yup lol. I associate the smell of it with good things--my grandfather’s garage, going out on errands with him and getting treats at the gas station, going to car shows with him. In case it isn’t obvious, my grandfather is a ‘car guy’ in that he loves vintage cars and loves taking really good care of any cars he has, so all of my best memories with him revolve around times where we were around cars, and usually surrounded by the smell of gasoline.

Worst injury you’ve ever had: I’ve got a few; would probably be my left leg being broken as a kid, and all the damage I did to my ankles--I have flat feet that as an adult I found out I should have probably gotten physical therapy for when I was young, but I never did so they were constantly spraining really badly, to the point that I nearly broke both within a month of each other when I was about sixteen. Now they hurt if I wear shoes they don’t like, wear good shoes but for too many hours, walk for too long, don’t walk enough, or if the weather changes, and maybe just whenever the fuck they feel like bothering me tbh. If I could just have my feet float and be magically connected to the rest of my leg, I probably would lol.  

Do you have any obsessions right now? I have a hard time calling anything an obsession now--work ( both my day job and my writing and music work on the side) keeps me so busy that I don’t have time to ‘obsess’ as I did when I was a teen. But I guess you could toss Avatar and Ghost in as a kind of obsession, in that they’re two of the few bands I’m really following in terms of news and tour info right now. I’ve gotten really into Pokemon again, while trying to do my own version of a Nuzlocke run on Pokemon Y, so I guess that might count. I consume a shit ton of McElroy and Polygon content whenever I’m feeling terrible, so that could probably count too. Idk, having an ‘obsession’ as an adult doesn’t really feel like an obsession--it feels more like the only subjects/things you can escape to when the rest of life is busy sucking major ass. 

Do you tend to hold grudges towards people? I try my best not to, but there are a few I still hold. The biggest one is with my father, and my various issues with him, but I recently found out he told a family friend he’d disowned me (whoops, he never told me lol) so I don’t feel bad holding that one at all. Fuck him, and I know he has a tumblr and might well see this, so if you do, J (not gonna put his full name here of course, I’m only partially petty as fuck haha) , then guess what? I disown you too. My grandfather, for all his faults, was a better father figure even on his worst days, and the male celebrities I looked up to as father figures were better too--and they don’t even know I exist!!

In a relationship? ...no. But I talk to someone who I have some sort of feelings for, but we aren’t in anything other than a friendship (or if the other person considers it to be something more, than they haven’t said and we haven’t discussed it.) But still, that’s not technically a relationship, so no, still single. 

I tag: @plupluru, @calliopinot, @apineappleheart, @feathers-andflesh, @starmoonchildfromthebeamsabove, @silversatori, @fuckdensen, @skulldr0p, @vvitchimage, and @rammchickk 

[zurilux]

I’m thankful for a partner that I can talk to, discuss my biggest fears and my tiny concerns with without fear of a fight or being made to feel those feelings are invalid.

Last night I figured I’d talk about some things concerning me, better to get it out now before it becomes a real problem.

I’m worried that I’m too affectionate for him. He had told me once that I was too needy and that it may be a good idea to open up our relationship in order to satisfy my needs for attention and affection. Granted when he had said that I had been stuck in the house for a month with a heart condition so my anxiety and depression were making me a seriously needy mess. But, I am a -very- affectionate person. He’s affectionate passively, a subtle hand on my thighs, or crossing our legs together, a kiss every now and then. He doesn’t tell me he loves me first, he probably wouldn’t tell me everyday if I didn’t say it to him first. Which, it makes me want to experiment with that, to see how often he’ll tell me “I love you” if I made effort not to say it. Would it be days? I went to kiss him all the time, he’s a wonderful kisser, and I also constantly like to be touching him in some way. I’ve realized most of my life I’ve been starved for attention, so I like the positive attention he gives me. The kisses, the looks, the cuddles, etc. he has said that sometimes it’s a little too much, but usually it’s fine, the only time it got really out of hand was after my hospitalization and being home and depressed for a month.

Then there’s the subject of kids. And marriage.

When Jake and I first started hanging out, I was going through a divorce and he had a girlfriend, a long term girlfriend that he’d spent the last 5 years with. I liked him a lot. But refused to acknowledge it because at the time I did want to try to work things out with my spouse and he was growing to be legitimately my best friend, one of the best friends I had ever had very quickly and I needed that friendship way more than a crush. The more we talked and hung out though, the more I realized just how wrong the relationship I was trying to fight for was. I had the lowest self esteem I had ever had. I didn’t know just how incredibly broken I had been. Jake and I also had sexual tension up the wazoo, you couldn’t feel it in the air. Jake and his girlfriend had an open relationship. We decided he would be my confidence booster, we’d have a little fun, and then I’d go one my merry way when I found someone who actually had the same end goal as I did. Jake hadn’t wanted kids, and I’ve always wanted kids. He also didn’t really want to ever get married it seemed as he straight up told his girlfriend of years that he’d never marry her. I had never understood that. So we didn’t have the same end goals, so it was never ever going to be a “real” thing. We’d bang, and then still be best friends.

Well, that didn’t go as planned. His gf had found out it was me he was fooling around with and they fought, he then broke up with her. They had been fighting a lot recently. So Jake and I were able to become a real couple. I still didn’t think it’d be long term because if the kid thing, when we first met he was veryyyy anti having kids. But then I guess I opened his mind to be on the “maybe” train. I didn’t want to change his mind if that wasn’t what he actually wanted, I was shocked. Then the hope that maybe we could really be a forever thing came into my head. Jake and I make a great team, we communicate well, rarely fight, we have fun, we are serious, and we love each other. He made a comment semi recently that he thinks he would be too selfish to have kids especially right now. He definitely doesn’t want them anytime soon and is leaning more towards “no” on the subject. Which is fine. Except that leaves me feeling very weird and anxious. I’m not needing kids anytime soon, but I do want them. I’m thinking around 30/35 somewhere in there. Jake would want to be financially stable, and I completely understand that. I’m not in a rush but, if he’s on the no train...I don’t know that I see the point in continuing our romantic relationship then. He doesn’t understand that. “If you’re not in a rush, then why be so quick to break up?” And I guess he’s never been in my shoes...he’s had only decent/good relationships. He can also remain unattached to people. He’s never been abused, he’s not depressed or anxious and he’s never been married and divorced. He also never wanted kids, and probably doesn’t care about getting married. He has no time clock. There is no timer running out for him or any sense of putting so much energy into a person, a relationship to have it crumble and then start from scratch when there -is- a timer. It takes so much out of me to build relationships, I’m shit at it. I’ve never dated someone more than a year straight other than my ex spouse and Jake. I get attached, I move quickly because I put so much into them. I’m loving and I just want to love the people I care about. I moved in with Jake within like a month of dating. That’s energy and time and effort for me that I can’t just fling around. I want to get married. I want to then live as spouses for a while, travel together, build a home..and then eventually start a family. Building that takes time, and unlike him, I do have a time limit to have kids. Sure I’ve still got 10 years but, in this economy, it may take me and my partner 10 years to be able to afford a house and kids.

I love jake. He is the easiest person for me to be around, to love, to be with, share my life with...and that makes it even harder. The longer I’m with him, the more comfortable, secure, I am with him, he makes me feel safe. And I feel like if we both don’t want the same things, it’s just going to make it harder to make that decision for me to leave and try to find someone else.

He came home with a ring on his finger that belonged to his grandfather, he had been away at the funeral. He normally doesn’t wear jewelry and isn’t a fan. I told him I liked it on him, and he did too. I made a joke about him training for his wedding ring. The look on his face...and his nervous kind of laugh as he said “whoa no, hold your horses” or something like that kind of hurt me to be honest. We’ve moved really fast in our relationship. Engagement is the next step, not that I’m rushing for that, but just the way he reacted..idk. Does he really want to be with me in the long run? In a perfect world, I’d be with him in a heartbeat forever. He’d want kids and I’d never have to make the choice.

And unfortunately I probably won’t even be able to get even a small bit of easy in this decision because as we were discussing last night, I told him if he knows he on the no train, let me know. And he was like. “I was to be financially stable and I probably won’t know till I get there, and by the time I would probably get there..you’ll be 35” so it looks like I may have to make that decision completely on my own to either stay with him or leave him. Which just sucks...

We are both into non monogamy though...so maybe I could have my cake and eat it to? Do the marriage/kid thing with someone else and still be in a relationship with him. Haha. Probably not though. I guess you can’t rule anything out though.

[leesungjongg]

school 2013 reviewww

spoilers i guess

Go Nam Soon: honestly i didn’t know what to think about you when i first saw you? like you were quiet but still knew that hey, bullying a kid bc of his stuttering and stuff was not cool so u stood up for him, and im really grateful for that. when i found out that Heungsoo was not on good terms with u i was like ?? wait what did u do that was possibly so wrong? first u were beaten up then he was beaten up and then i was like oh now it makes sense. not so much in this review but oh well. u ruined his chances of becoming a football star and that’s really sad but that scene where he told u you should’ve been with him when he lost his chance at being a soccer player... that was really important and i get that you must’ve been ashamed like “how could i face him after doing that to him?” but wow so many emotions

Park Heung Soo: when you first came in honestly i was like great another  bully. but you were quiet and you didn’t want to stir up trouble, except go nam soon kept doing things for you without u asking and then everyone was like oh if nam soon’s doing things for him without even saying a word then?? he is a bully??? and you were wrongly portrayed at the bully (when we all know it was actually Oh Jung Ho like wow y’all forgot about him so easily) but im glad you repaired your friendship and you told him that you wished he was there with you.

Overall, I really liked their friendship and honestly I wish there were more dramas focused on friendships rather than love triangles because ultimately, your friends will be there for you if/when you have trouble with romantic relationships and stuff??? idk. i just really kept watching this because of the friendship between nam soon and heungsoo. and also the bully trio, including oh jung ho, Lee Yi Kyung, and Lee Ji Hoon.

Jihoon - ur awesome. glad u took the first step and decided to focus on ur studies instead of brushing things off and pretending to be “”””cool”””” and not doing anything. u worked hard to get into that program, even when the professors told you that it was going to be difficult. you should be proud of yourself for putting in that effort. (also fun fact: Jihoon is the name of my first OC i made while writing? he debuted in one of my fanfics lol but it’s not this jihoon. that fanfic is called Cupid’s Curse)

Yikyung - ur name was v confusing and i didnt know it for the longest time until i read it as ‘yi kyung’ on the subtitles. sorry abt that. anyways, ur very cute too but hey, go with your friend jihoon and study, it’s more important in the long run. im glad you tried to get your friend Oh Jung Ho back to school - you didn’t give up on him, not even ONCE. even when he was being cold to you guys, you were still like hey, still, you have to come to school. you even bought back jungho’s mother’s ring that she gave to him like that is dedication and maximum friendship.

Yikyung and Jihoon... y’all were really good friends. Jungho.. idk if he really truly realized how good of friends you two were to him because he just said that he can’t return the favor to them or whatever, but honestly, they still stuck by you in your worst times Jungho. I’m really sad that he dropped out of high school, and what was really disheartening was when one of the friends said that he wanted all three of them to graduate together. That made my heart sink a bit.

Kim Min Ki - T__________________T you suffered a lot, i really don’t like moms like that, those moms who push their kids to do better and stuff like that? kids need time to have fun and relax too, and also?? seeing your mom pretty much ruin everything for you sucks. she got upset over you getting one “””bad””” grade and tried to fire the teacher like who does that? pretty much anyone with a lot of money -_- it’s funny bc it happens irl too lmao. but Min Ki :( i am so glad you took a deep breath and that your teacher called your mom about you thinking of committing suicide - she definitely needed to know that and i think losing another child would honestly make her live with regrets for the rest of her life. thank you for taking that deep breath and talking it out with someone. im glad things worked out for you in the end and you decided to go into film-making in college. best of luck to you.

Gil Eun Hye: i hate u. ur a snob. learn how to be a human first, grades and school come second.

Jeon Soojin: 1 u are very soft-hearted. and very pretty. i remember seeing you in another drama with the actor who played Yikyung but i cant remember? maybe it wasn’t that but i def remember u. im disappointed in ur friend who spent more time with her phone than you and wouldn’t listen to you. and then when she went back to a flip phone, she was like ‘hey come talk to me next time ok???’ and i was like dude soojin literally TRIED talking to you and you deadass ignored her for a dumbass game, get out of here. but honestly i’ve done that before too so rip

Teacher Jung: thank you for never giving up on your students. at first i was like sigh why does she sound like ?? idk? like some kids just didn’t want to study so it’s like that’s their fault and stuff but she eventually won all their hearts and i was like :’)))) like dude she even won mine. because of this one scene where she talked to Min ki. I was so grateful for that. also i think she should’ve been a counselor instead of a teacher because her role suited that a bit more tbh

Teacher Kang: dang sometimes u were brutal... not sometimes but often times... like did u not have a heart? were u never a student? dang.. but anyways that moment when u told Teacher Jung not to leave bc she was the teacher he always aspired to be was like MINDBLOWING like i didnt even think you had the capacity to talk about your feelings but that was nice of  u. glad u didn’t decide to leave.

Overall, i really kept watching because I wanted to see what happened between nam soon and heungsoo, but min ki was also a special bean to me, i liked him bc he just wanted peace and that’s what i want too. anyways, school 2013 was nice, despite it being an old drama. there were some really poignant scenes idek what poignant even means but i feel like it’s suitable. idek if suitable is even a word but i make up words all the time so its ok I LIKED IT OK that’s all thank u bye. 10/10 go watch for friendship and no love triangles