#sucks because literally a few days ago i recommended a video of his to my therapist

[hilacopter]

NOOOOO NOT POP CULTURE DETECTIVE… what did he do????

I clicked on a video of his and a community post from him popped up for like an event he's gonna be hosting talking about colonialism in board games, and in the graphic for it there was someone waving a Palestinian flag. probably gonna be a bunch of bullshit there dismissing Jewish indigeneity to the levant and maybe even glorifying Hamas as resistance, which as much as it sucks would suit him to do.

[barbieaiden]

1. Kell: Dude. You're no fun to play with, you're too good.

Aiden: Kell, I love you, but I think you just suck at the game.

Kell: Dude! I always won against my siblings!

Aiden: Aww. I always let my brother win too when we were little.

Kell: You're cheating.

Aiden: I would never. I take these things very seriously.

2. Kell: By the way, you know that guy I went on a date with before your coma?

Aiden: Yeah?

Kell: Yeah, we were supposed to go on another date literally the day you got into the coma, so obviously I was like "dude, I can't make it, my friend is having a literal medical emergency", and he was like "okay, I'll just break this off here then, bye".

Aiden: Oh nooo. Did I cockblock you with my coma?

Kell: You literally did!

3. Aiden: I'll make it up to you. I'll wingman you so hard. I'll introduce you to literally everyone I know.

Kell: Isn't that, like, the entirety of River Bay?

Aiden: Almost, yeah. So you're bound to find someone.

Kell: Dude, you did not win again.

Aiden: You practically let me.

Kell: Dude!

Peyton: Is now a bad time to say hi?

4. Aiden: Peyton! NO, of course not. I didn't even know you were here, it's been so long!

5. Peyton: Yeah, I seem to recall being ignored for a month?

Aiden: Sorry about that. I was sleeping.

Peyton: For a month?

Aiden: Doctor's orders.

Peyton: Ah, of course. Totally reasonable.

6. Aiden: But don't worry. I'm back in my element.

Peyton: Do I want to know what that means?

Aiden: It means I'm ready to annoy the fuck out of you and text you every millisecond 24/7.

Peyton: Okay, I can get behind that.

7. Peyton: how are you doing?

Aiden: Great.

Peyton: "Great"? Really?

Aiden: So great. How are you? Are you still working at the mall?

Peyton: I quit impulsively a few weeks ago. I should probably get a new job if I want to be able to pay rent, but, eh. Video games are more fun.

Kell: If you're evicted you can move into Sam and Aiden's closet, I hear it's pretty empty nowadays.

Aiden: Totally.

8. Kell: Peyton, you're good at connect 4, right?

Peyton: I'd say so.

Kell: Help me win. Please.

Aiden: Who's cheating now?

Kell: There's no rule that says you can't have someone help you.

Peyton: Don't put it there. One step right.

Kell: Here?

Peyton: Yeah.

9. Aiden: Peyton, I love you so much.

Kell: Dude. Did you just make me lose?

Peyton: [Shrug]

Kell: Fuck you. Both of you.

[New scene]

10.

Sam: You met Aiden right after the car crash.

Jordan: Yes.

Sam: How bad was it? He never told me.

Jordan: Considering the crash, his injuries were very mild.

Sam: But he could've died.

Jordan: He didn't. And I don't think you need to worry about something that happened six years ago.

Sam: No, I just...

Jordan: Just what?

Sam: I don't know.

11. Sam: I hated Aiden when we first met.

Jordan: According to Kell's accounts you were simultaneously in love with him?

Sam: Attracted to. There's a difference.

Jordan: Not to me.

Sam: And how many successful relationships have you had?

Jordan: Well... I've certainly had relationships, I can tell you that much.

12. Sam: Don't you get tired of talking to new people all the time? How do you even find so many people you're interested in? I did it once and now I'm marrying him so I never have to do it again.

Jordan: It's easy if you're drunk and have very, very low standards. It also helps if you're fresh off a 13 hour shift at a hospital.

Sam: That sounds awful.

Jordan: I don't necessarily recommend it.

13. Sam: But you keep doing it.

Jordan: I suppose I have nothing better to do after those 13 hour shifts.

Sam: I'm so glad I dropped out of med school.

Jordan: You should be.

14. Sam: I'm just going to get some water.

Jordan: Okay.

15. Lucas: No, I had to do it because Michael thought it was "rude".

Michael: It was.

Lucas: If I pay for something, I want what I paid for. That's not rude. If I fuck someone's tattoo up I'd fix it.

Michael: You can't compare a meal to something that's permanently on someone's body.

Lucas: You agree with me.

Peyton: Oh, yeah.

Lucas: Exactly!

16. Peyton: Hey, Sam. How are you doing? Sleeping better?

Sam: A little.

Peyton: So... while you're here... Aiden.

Sam: Yes?

17. Peyton: He's acting... suspiciously normal, isn't he?

Lucas: Right? I literally told Michael the same thing ten minutes ago. This is the way Aiden always acts after medical emergencies, he just pretends everything's fine.

18. Sam: It's been a month. Things have gone back to normal, he's not pretending.

Lucas: No, sorry, no offense, Sam, but I don't think you get it. You weren't there all the other times he had to go to the hospital because of drugs--and that shouldn't be plural, by the way--this happens every time.

19. Lucas: He says he's fine and that he's clean now and then he just waits until people stop asking him about it and we're back at square one.

Sam: This was different though.

Lucas: Just because it was worse and because he maybe went through a tiny little bit of withdrawal while unconscious doesn't mean he's magically better.

Michael: Lucas, please.

20. Michael: You yourself said that there's nothing we can do.

Lucas: Well, we can't exactly force him to do anything but there's a difference between overcaring and pushing him away, and being so passive it turns into enabling.

Michael: I agree, but I don't think that has anything to do with Sam.

Lucas: I didn't say it does.

21. Lucas: I just don't want him dead, that's all.

Peyton: I seriously doubt any of us want him dead.

Lucas: Exactly. So we can't just trust that he's better because he says he is.

Sam: That's not what--[Sigh] I don't think it's fair to talk about this behind his back.

22. Lucas: I'd love to discuss this with him directly but he makes it pretty difficult. There's a reason he didn't want to talk to us for a fucking month.

Sam: Maybe it wasn't deliberate. Maybe he was just recovering from a coma.

Lucas: But he was talking to literally everyone else during that time, wasn't he? It's not a coincidence he ignored me, Michael, and Peyton specifically.

23. Sam: I... I don't know his motivation. And either way I don't want to be involved in this.

Peyton: That's fair. I didn't really mean for this to be a whole discussion.

Lucas: Sorry. Look, my point is just... if he's clean, that's fucking great. But I kind of doubt it. Just... keep an eye on him.

Sam: I always am.

[lifblogs]

Tagged by: @sindar-princeling

Are you named for anyone? Nope, not really. I have a name I might switch to irl, which is my name here, Lif. So really I just named myself after the human woman who survived Ragnarok by sleeping through it.

When was the last time you cried? Last night at midnight. I had to hold in my sobs so hard, and it was literally just over a character death. It really hits me.

Do you have kids? Does a very needy kitty boy count? I'm on mom duty with him for hours every day, and I lost sleep in high school doing all the mom stuff: feeding him, burping him, giving him medicine, giving him baths, reading to him so he could sleep okay, singing him to sleep (these were all vet recommended, and they helped his temperament a lot [he's mentally ill]). I do want kids someday. Almost had one in 2020. I still think about her, especially as May is coming up, and she was supposed to be born then. I don't bring this up to make anyone sad, or feel pity. It's just, part of my life, you know?

What sports do/have you played? Archery!! I haven't been able to do it since an injury in 2013 (yes, I realize this happened forever ago at this point), but it was fun. I should maybe try getting back into it. The lanes are expensive though, and I would need a lot of good places to sit down in between shooting.

Do you use sarcasm? That I do.

What's the first thing you notice about people? Same as sindar-princeling, I think. Probably the facial expressions. Next I look for something to compliment them on.

What's your eye colour? Really dark brown.

Scary movies or Happy endings? I feel like these are not opposite ends of a spectrum or anything. I want to say happy endings, but my favorite Star Wars movies are the tragedies: Revenge of the Sith, Rogue One, The Siege of Mandalore.

Any talents? Oh heck yes! I can play the clarinet, sing, compose, act, write, cat photography (trust me, it is a talent and a skill), edit pictures, and bake (I'm better than average at decorating though, but still kinda suck at it).

Where were you born? New England, USA.

What are your hobbies? Right now it's mostly reading, watching TV and movies, listening to music, playing video games, and writing.

Do you have any pets? I have 2! A maine coon girl named Alley Cat who will be turning 17 this Saturday! She's so silly, and a sweetie, and just full of love. Sometimes she annoys me because she thinks I'm her littermate (we were kids at the same time). She also still snurgles (suckling while kneading at the same time)!! And she loves food. She’s just so stunning and adorable. And then there's Loki! That's my baby boy. He picked me to be his mommy when I was 15. I've been there for him through almost everything (sadly couldn't be there for a scary hospitalization when I was in college a few states over). He's silly, he's lovable and loves giving love, he loves kissies, he likes to be brushed, he loves making biscuits. He loves playtime, and he loves getting into trouble. I have the best kitties.

How tall are you? 5'4 (I still want to cry about somehow growing an inch in my early twenties)

Favourite subject in school? PHYSICS AND BAND!!!

Dream job? I really don't know anymore. I wanted to be a professional clarinet player, but that couldn't happen, I wanted to be an actor, but that wasn't able to happen, I wanted to be an editor: again, nope. Screenwriter? Maybe? Author? I don't know anymore.

And here are my kitties!

Alley is on the left, and Loki is on the right. I forgot to mention that he’s an American Ringtail.

Tagging: @miss-mouse99, @feeling-uncomfy, @evilwriter37, @cascigarette, @knowerofuselessfacts, @err404r, @poisonedyouth, and @vanillachip101.

[theghostofblackbunnymask]

Bruh, just imagine how many triggers the new yandere dream team has to keep an eye on during and after they get their obsession out of their pet like docile stage, anything related to gore and horror, food and drinks, emotional outburst, any signs of aggressiveness and the list goes on, for example:

Scenario 1

The dream team and reader are playing video games and George is losing for a several times in a row: Dream, can we do something else? This game is beginning to annoy me

Sapnap: only because you suck at it, skillsnotfound.

Dream: alright, you guys stop fighting, y/n. How about you suggest what we do next?

Reader: emmm, Idk. How about we all watch a movie and chill, some classics maybe? I recommended….

Sapnap (excitingly): I know one! Today is Friday the 13th, that means we should watch Friday 13th!

Reader (flashback of Sapnap holding her still and forcing her to watch violent horror films all night starts to show, she panics and breathed heavily when she feels her surroundings begin to mend in with her traumatic memories, she sobbed quietly whilst trembling hard)

George (after feeling her shaking form because he is right next to her): y/n, what is wrong? (Tries to comfort her)

Dream (sudden realisation): Sapnap you idiot. You are not suppose to bring stuff like this up?

Sapnap (frustrated): what? What wrong with me watching a movie damn it? (Bluntly realised what he said may triggers) i am sorry y/n I didn’t mean it this way—-

George just stared at him and carried a frightened y/n back to bed and coos her back to sleep.

Scenario 2: George is collecting some supplies from his chest before go out to construct when an angry dream confronts him

Dream: how many times do I have to tell you, stop drugging y/n so much!

George (nonchalantly): what do you mean so much? I just put a few drops of sleeping power into her milk because she had a nightmare last night and needs to calm down.

Dream: really, then explaining why she is shaking on the ground and mumbles please don’t hurt me over and over again as if she was tortured for days!

George: I just want to help her! I reduced my doses a lot long time ago!

Dream: you have to stop drugging her, George. Her hallucination occurrence is starting to get out of control and your drugs are one main reason

Scenario 3: dream was arguing with Sapnap because he burnt down Eret’s property by accident. Sapnap has an emotional outburst and next moment reader’s eyes turns dull and come close to Sapnap to be his punching bags like when she used to be a pet.

Sapnap (constraining his anger): y/n, how many times do I have to tell you you are not a dog…. I am fine, just do your own things. (Heavily signs and walked off)

Same scenario is also true if dream has an emotional outburst or shows signs of anger.

Facts, they did so much damage they can't take back

It is literally tiring to not trigger you since anything that is remotely horror related or drug related can cause some sort of attack

[bluntforcefem]

rai what. is twewy i am so so intrigued so here's your open invitation to paragraphpost if you like?

hiii cleo i will! try my best to explain >:•]

side note from rai who finished paragraphposting: it's a long one! i kinda ended up summarizing week one with some tangents to explain stuff, but it gets: kinda complicated storywise after week 1 in a way iiiii cant get into in text form in an ask. it's a very fun time. i very much recommend consuming this video game in some for but for now: Longpost!

twewy (full name: the world ends with you, which ends up relatively important) is a video game about a guy named neku! neku is: dead, has no memories, and is extremely. the best word for it is edgy. he doesn't want to talk to other people, he's an asshole, he kind of starts out SUPER unlikeable! we'll get there.

meanwhile, the whole "i hate talking to other people" thing kiiiinda sucks for him, because after he died he got tossed into the reaper's game, and now he's gotta find a partner or he'll Super Die Forever With No* Way Of Getting Back (or: Erasure!)

*there is a way of coming back from erasure but it's a WHOLE thing

the reaper's game is a game that takes place in shibuya, where you trade an "entry fee"—whatever is the most important to you, however concrete or abstract that might be—in order for a chance to live again. you gotta survive a WHOLE WEEK til the end! you find a partner, make a pact with them, and then you can fight the "noise" with these things called psyches.**

the reaper's game has a composer, a conductor, a producer, a game master, and normalass reapers. the first three don't really come into play until after week one, but the best summary of them is: the composer is the city's Person. if the city is Erased, the composer goes with it. they shape the city, and shape the rules of the game. the conductor is a reaper chosen by the composer to play out the games and run them. the producer is An Angel From The Higher Plane, who's job is to oversee the city and make sure things are running smoothly and that its not gonna get erased. game masters cycle out week by week, and theyre just normal reapers!

**psyches are magic abilities based on pins (actual LITERAL pins) that are special for the reaper's game. you need high imagination to be good with them! noise are just silly goofy guys that can influence the emotions and trends of shibuya. reapers are guys who are Specifically Trying To Challenge Players, and stop them from winning.

there's a lot of terminology in this game that kinda gets into the weeds! thats the basics, though, and if you forget any its kinda (hand wavey) not so important for the rest of this

so back to neku. neku makes a pact with this girl named shiki misaki, who is absolutely wonderful. she wanted to be a fashion designer before she died, and she carries around a plush cat named "mr. mew" that she uses to fight the noise. neku tries to kill her at some point! its: not a great time. its not until later in the week where they actually start to become, like, friends.

during week 1, neku and shiki meet this other pair of partners named beat and rhyme. beat is rhyme's brother, but rhyme doesn't remember him thanks to entry fees! rhyme is very sweet, and beat is, with all my love, a himbo who is kind of a punk who just wants to protect his sister! both of them died after beat tried to save rhyme, failed, and He Kind Of Feels Absolutely Awful About That One! uuunfortunately, rhyme is Erased saving beat from a big shark noise in the Game, and without a partner, you can't survive! it's a whole thing.

mr. h shows up! takes beat away, this is not the last we'll see of either of them. previously mr. h had shown up to do things like: explain the game, and stop neku from killing shiki like an idiot just because a reaper told him to, etc. he introduces the trust your partner motif. he's kinda important! i like him. he's the only responsible adult in this WHOLE video game.

so you go through the week, and you fight noise and complete missions and play tin pin slammer, and neku and shiki become friends. you find out shiki's entry fee was her physical appearance, and that she's been taking on her friend eri's appearance during the game! her self-confidence is not exactly the greatest.

so things keep going along, and neku starts aaaactually trying not to be an asshole, but it gets: a little messy. on day 7, after they beat the game master and the game, neku & shiki are told that only one of them gets to be alive again!

wuh oh.

shiki is chosen to rejoin the RG (or the alive world), and neku is given the choice, hey either become a reaper or die or play again!

so he plays again.

since he won the last game, he gets his first entry back—his memories (but some are missing!) and his entry fee for the second game is shiki herself.

Wuh Oh!

and onto week 2. there's a really good recap podcast of the game if you both like podcasts and want to hear that (called got it memorized a neo twewy recap podcast currently) and i suuuuper cant do the game justice like this, but!! but. its very fun i like it a lot and it has good writing***

***there are some less than fun spots a la "this is a game written 15 years ago" but there's surprisingly few for a game written 15 years ago. y'know how it is.

[ducktastic]

2020 Gameological Awards

Over on the Gameological Discord, we have an annual tradition of writing up our games of the year not as a ranked list but rather as answers to a series of prompts. Here are my personal choices for the year that was 2020.

Favorite Game of the Year

I didn’t know what to expect when I walked into Paradise Killer. I knew that I liked the vaporwave resort aesthetic from the game’s trailer and figured I was in for a Danganronpa-style murder mystery visual novel with an open-ended murder mystery at its core. Those assumptions were… half-right? The game definitely plays out like the exploration bits of Danganronpa set on the island from Myst but with far simpler puzzles. What I didn’t expect was to fall so deeply in love with the environment—its nooks and crannies, its millennia of lore, its brutalist overlap of idol worship, consumerism, and mass slaughter. It makes sense that the world of Paradise Killer is its strongest feature, since the cast of NPCs don’t really move around, leaving you alone with the world for the overwhelming majority of your experience as you bounce back and forth between digging around for clues and interrogating potential witnesses. And despite what the promo materials indicated, there IS a definitive solution to the crimes you’re brought in to investigate, the game just lets you make judgment based on whatever evidence you have at the time you’re ready to call it a day, so if you’re missing crucial evidence you might just make a compelling enough case for the wrong person and condemn them to eternal nonexistence. Am I happy with the truth at the end of the day? No, and neither is anybody else I’ve spoken to who completed the game, but we all were also completely enthralled the entire time and our dissatisfaction has less to do with the game and more to do with the ugly reality of humanity. I’ve always been of the mindset that “spoilers” are absolute garbage and that a story should be just as good whether you know the twist or not and any story that relies on surprising the audience with an unexpected reveal is not actually that good a story, but Paradise Killer is a game about piecing together your own version of events so I feel that it’s vital to the gameplay experience that people go in knowing as little as possible and gush all about it afterwards. Just trust me, if the game looks even remotely intriguing to you, go for it. I’ve had just as much fun talking about the game after I finished it with friends just getting started as I did actually solving its mysteries myself.

Best Single Player Game

I honestly missed out on the buzz for In Other Waters at launch, so I’m happy I had friends online talking it up as Black Friday sales were coming along. The minimal aesthetic of his underwater exploration game allows the focus to shift more naturally to the game’s stellar writing as a lone scientist goes off in search of her mentor and the secrets they were hiding on an alien world. It only took a few hours for me to become completely absorbed in this narrative and keep pushing forward into increasingly dangerous waters. In Other Waters might just be the best sci-fi story I experienced all year and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys sci-fi novels, regardless of their experience with video games.

Best Multiplayer Game

Look, we all know this year sucked. 2020 will absolutely be chronicled in history books as a fascinating and deeply depressing time in modern history where we all stayed inside by ourselves and missed our friends and family. It was lonely and it was bleak. Which is why it made my heart glow so much more warmly every time I got a letter from an honest-to-goodness real-life friend in Animal Crossing New Horizons. Knowing that they were playing the same game I was and hearing about their experiences and sending each other wacky hats or furniture, it lightened the days and made us feel that little bit more connected. Sure, when the game first launched we would actually take the time to visit one another’s islands, hang out, chat in real-time, and exchange gifts, but we all eventually got busy with Zoom calls, sourdough starters, and watching Birds of Prey twenty-two times. Still, sending letters was enough. It was and still is a touching little way to show that we’re here for one another, if not at the exact same time.

Favorite Ongoing Game

Zach Gage is one of my favorite game designers right now, and when I heard he was releasing a game called Good Sudoku I was sold sight unseen. The game as released was… fine. It’s sudoku and it’s pleasant, but it was also buggy and overheated my phone in a way I hadn’t seen since Ridiculous Fishing (also by Zach Gage) seven years ago. Thankfully, the most glaring bugs have been fixed and I can now enjoy popping in every day for some quick logic puzzle goodness. Daily ranked leaderboards keep me coming back again and again, the steady ramp of difficulty in the arcade and eternal modes means I can always chase the next dopamine rush of solving increasingly complex puzzles. It’s not a traditional “ongoing” game the way, say, Fortnite and Destiny are, but I’m happy to come back every day for sudoku goodness.

Didn't Click For Me

With Fortnite progressively losing me over the course of 2020, finalizing with my wholesale “never again” stance after Epic boss Tim Sweeney compared Fortnite demanding more money from Apple to the American Civil Rights movement (no, absolutely not), I dipped my toe into a number of new “battle pass”-style online arena types of games, and while Genshin Impact eventually got its hooks into me, Spellbreak absolutely did not. With graphics straight out of The Dragon Prince and the promise of a wide variety of magic combat skills to make your character your own, the game seemed awfully tempting, but my first few experiences were aimless and joyless, with no moment of clarity to make me understand why I should keep coming back. Maybe they’ll finesse the game some more in 2021, or a bunch of my friends will get hooked and lure me back, but for now I am a-okay deleting this waste of space on my Switch and PC.

"Oh Yeah, I Did Play That Didn't I?"

I remember being really excited for Murder By Numbers. Ace Attorney-style crime scene investigation visual novel with Picross puzzles for the evidence, art by the creators of Hatoful Boyfriend, and music by the composer of Ace Attorney itself?! Sounds like a dream come true. But the pixel-hunt nature of the crime scene investigations was more frustrating than fun, the picross puzzles were not particularly great, and the game came out literally a week before the entire world went into lockdown which makes it feel more like seven years ago than just earlier this year. I remember being marginally charmed by the game once it was in my hands, but as soon as my mind shifted to long-term self care, Murder By Numbers went from hot topic to cold case.

Most Unexpected Joy

I was looking forward to Fuser all year. As a dyed-in-the-wool DropMix stan, the prospect of a spiritual sequel to DropMix on all major digital platforms without any of the analogue components was tremendously exciting, and I knew I’d have a lot of fun making mixes by myself and posting them online for the world to hear. What I didn’t expect, however, was the online co-op mode to be such a blast! Up to four players take turns making 32 bars of mashups, starting with whatever the player before handed them and adding their own fingerprints on top. It sounds like it should just be a mess of cacophony, but every session I’ve played so far has been just the best dance party I’ve had all year, and everyone not currently in control of the decks (including an audience of spectators) can make special requests for what the DJ should spin and tap along with the beat to great super-sized emoji to show how much they’re enjoying the mix. Literally the only times my Apple Watch has ever warned me of my heightened heart rate have been the times I was positively bouncing in place rocking out to co-op freestyle play in Fuser.

Best Music

Only one video game this year had tunes that were so bumpable they were upgraded to my general “2020 jams” playlist alongside Jeff Rosenstock, Run the Jewels, and Phoebe Bridgers, and that game was Paradise Killer. 70% lo-fi chill beats to study/interrogate demons to, 20% gothic atmospheric bangers, 10% high-energy pop jazz, this soundtrack was just an absolute joy to swim around in both in and out of gameplay.

Favorite Game Encounter

It’s wild that in a landscape where games let me live out my wildest fantasies, the single moment that lit me up in a way that stood out to me more than any other was serving Neil the right drink in Coffee Talk. Over the course of the game, you serve a variety of hot drinks to humans, werewolves, vampires, orcs, and more, all while chatting with your customers and learning more about their lives and relationships. The most mysterious customer, though, is an alien life form who adopts the name Neil. They do not know what they want to drink and claim it doesn’t make a difference because they cannot taste it. Everybody else wants *something*. Neil is just ordering for the sake of fitting in and exploring the Earth experience. It’s only in the second playthrough that attentive baristas will figure out what to serve Neil, unlocking the “true” ending in the process. Seeing the typically stoic Neil actually emote when they tasted their special order drink? What an absolute treat that was.

Best Free DLC of the Year

It’s still only a couple of days old at the time I’m writing this, but Marvel’s Avengers just added Kate Bishop, aka Hawkeye, and THANK GOODNESS. Almost every character in the game at launch just smashed the endless waves of robot baddies with their fists and that looks exhausting and uncomfortable. Hawkeye (the game calls her Kate Bishop, but come on, she’s been Hawkeye in the comics for over 14 years, let’s show her some respect) uses A SWORD. FINALLY! Aside from that, I’m just having a blast shooting arrows all over the place. She and Ms Marvel are the most likable characters in the game so far, so I hope they keep adding more of the Young Avengers and Champions to the game, and if the recently announced slate of Marvel movies and tv shows are any indication (with America Chavez, Cassie Lang, and Riri Williams all coming soon to the MCU), that seems to be what Marvel is pushing for across all media

Most Accessible Game

Nintendo is, first and foremost, a toy company. They got their start in toys and cards long before video games was a thing, and they still do more tests to ensure their video game hardware is childproof than anybody else in the industry (remember how they made Switch cartridges “taste bad” so kids wouldn’t eat them?). This year, Nintendo got to rekindle some of their throwback, simplistic, toys-and-cards energy with Clubhouse Games: 51 Worldwide Classics, a Switch collection of timeless family-friendly games like Chess, Mancala, and Backgammon, along with “toy” versions of sports like baseball, boxing, and tennis for a virtual parlor room of pleasant time-wasters. The games were all presented with charming li’l explainers from anthropomorphic board game figurines, and the ability to play quick sessions of Spider Solitaire on the touch screen while I binged The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix made Clubhouse Games one of my most-played titles of the year. Plus, local play during socially-distant friend hangs was an excellent way to make us feel like we were much closer than we were physically allowed to be as friends knocked each other’s block off in the “toy boxing” version of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

"Waiting for Game-dot"

I get that everyone loves Disco Elysium. I saw it on everyone’s year-end lists last year. I finally bought it with an Epic Games Store coupon this year. This year was a long enough slog of depressing post-apocalyptic drudgery, I didn’t want to explore a whole nother one in my leisure time. I’ll get to it… someday.

Game That Made Me Think

Holovista was an iPhone game I played over the course of two or three days based on the recommendation of some trusted colleagues on Twitter and oh my goodness was I glad that I played it. What starts as a chill vaporwave photography game steadily progresses into an exploration of psychological trauma, relationships with friends and family, and the baggage we carry with us from our pasts. In this exceptionally hard year, I badly needed this story about spending time alone with your personal demons and finding your way back to the people who love and support you. Just like with Journey and Gone Home, I walked away from Holovista feeling a rekindled appreciation for the people in my life.

[thorsstorms]

Abroad Pt. 19

Summary: Being the Hemsworth Kids’ Nanny, you were vowed to keep it strictly professional for their sake, but do the stolen glances go unnoticed between you both?

Word count: 5.2k

Warnings: y’all know I’m a bitch for angst by now right?

A/N: @hildehuffles this ones for you. ALSO. THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL IM TALKING ABOUT IS YES THEORY. I was in Venice a couple weeks ago, and felt like adding in a little get away like I had done. I told no one I was going and literately hopped on a plane with an Airbnb secured. #SeekDiscomfort also one of the best trips to LA I had ever taken. 10/10 recommend. 

Masterlist

Your eyes were glued to the generously sized television screen mounted on the wall, holding the flimsy bottle of water tight in your hands. The conversation took a swift turn with only a sentence spoken and it was the two of you dressed at the premier that was painting the background. You knew she was only doing this to tease him, and the sly comments he made in turn settled your nerves.

“So Chris… Who? Who‘s that?” His eyes were drawn to the monitor, not startled at all by her outburst but calm, with a telltale pink tint creeping up and a squinty eyed smile trying to stay buried.

The crowd whoops in retaliation.

He stayed silent a moment more, staring at the monitor, thinking of a way to answer until the crowd calms down. The comedian looks mischievous, obviously taking pride in his suffering though she knows exactly who you are now. The crowd doesn’t need to know that detail. She only means to tease, it’s who she was!

He folds his hands, rubbing them together before simply saying, “I have never seen that woman in my life.” Obviously joking. 

“Oh come on!” she pushed, glowing eyes with a smile stretching across her cheeks.

“Yea, yea. That is my girly-friend, you could say. It’s-It’s weird to say that because I feel like she’s more than just a girlfriend, you know?” He glances again back at the large picture behind him before running a hand down the side of his face, focusing back forwards. He knows you are just watching the screen, glued to the screen at that, in the green room. He didn't know what you were thinking! It could go one of two ways in his mind. Absolutely silently losing your mind or laughing in retaliation to his discomfort of not knowing what to say. Hopefully the latter.

“Oh! I know.” She jokes, full on laughing at him while he smirks but stares daggers playfully. She knows you were more than just a girlfriend in his mind now, but how could he resist the shot of you meeting and hugging Ellen Degeneres and not stick the ring up and snap a photo of the moment while you were faced away? She was a trustworthy person, or so he hoped. Not proven wrong so far.

“Okay, Okay,” she settles herself. “So tell me, where did you find her?” She was keen to the details.

“Uhh- The internet,” he says without missing a beat. You almost choke on your own spit at his fast response, not knowing whether to laugh or crawl into a hole. But the crowd loved it, laughing. He sure got a kick out of the response, thinking he, himself, was funny. Loser.

“You are joking.” Ellen says, dead panning him.

“No, no really. My, uh, my manager found her for me.” He continues on, deceiving the crowd. Depriving them of the whole truth.

“Oh my god, Chris,” you mutter to yourself in the quiet room. Ellen got a kick out of that even more, stopping him from continuing down this road. He obviously was not going to give straight forward answers.

“Okay, okay.” She switches to a different question. “So…” She dragged out for an effect. Maybe just to make him squirm.

“Oh no,” he mumbled. She just had a look, a look that told that she had so many wrong questions under her sleeve.

“You filming something Chris?” The crowd slowly grew to giggle when he didn’t answer. Just stared her down trying not to react.

“Do you have, like, anything I can answer?!” He burst with a chuckle, wiping his palms on his thighs. “I’m just in town, and agreed to come see you and you treat me like this!” His smile was bright while she muttered apologies, laughing at his distress.

The interview eventually calmed down, them playing a rapid fire game afterwards. You finally settle into the couch to watch the interactions.

That was so not as bad as it could have been. He knew what he was doing during interviews anyway, or you had hoped.

~

You slept in the next morning, only waking to acknowledge that he was leaving for the day. This was a free day to yourself and sleeping in as long as you wanted seemed like the best way to start.

He left you with a mere kiss on the nose before he trudged out the door. The night before was yet another dismissal and it left you flustered and annoyed as all get out, so the day to yourself was the best present around.

Regardless of how much you thought you wanted a calm day, you were texting him by noon, telling him you were bored. By the time he replied, a mere 45 minutes later you were already sucked into YouTube. You found a new channel that piqued your interest and were easily four videos in.

“Sorry princess. Come with me tomorrow?”

You read the preview and sighed, ignoring it for the moment and pressed play on the video again. These guys in the videos were entertaining... inspiring, even.

By the time the fifth video started, their names were easily remembered. What sparked interest even more was the fact that they are based out of Venice Beach, a mere 45 minute drive through LA, on a good day at least.

The video of them walking the sidewalks interviewing strangers that were bold enough to go on an adventure made you want to feel the same sun they were obviously surrounded in. The couch had been your home for the last hour, a window open to let in some light, shining gold streaks through the room, but it wasn't enough.

The rules that plagued yourself were on a repeat in your head as you clicked on another video, then another, and another. You were not supposed to be spending too much time staring at a screen. You weren't supposed to drive, or go out on your own because you are still healing. You're not supposed to be in such sunny areas it could hurt your eyes still. Don't do this, don't do that.

It is suffocating. Infuriating that the list of long don'ts probably repeats through Chris’s head like a mantra, that's why he won't touch you. That's why he won't let you touch him.

Anger slowly flowed through your mind as you started to lose focus on the video playing. You closed the app and opened google maps, staring at the words ‘Venice Beach’ in correlation to where you were stuck inside, across the city. It was like torturing yourself. A silent battle of wanting to just go, go and then think about it later.

You slowly rolled your shoulders back as you sat up on the cushions of the couch that were not as comfy as you had hoped. The time on the lock screen taunted back at you. You could go and make it back in enough time to be home before Chris got back. You scoffed at the thought. He wouldn't be happy, but you were an adult. A very capable adult who can make their own choices. Staying in your bubble of Byron almost makes you forget your own sense of independence. He doesn't get to decide what you can and can't do.

The bathroom light shone a tad brighter than the natural lighting in the living room, eyes squinting quickly at the flush. You moved to the sink to wash your face, pulled a hair tie to braid your hair, and picked out some clothes.

Double checking for your wallet and phone in your purse brought on second thoughts. You never answered his text. He probably wouldn't notice for a while anyway. You pushed away the small ache of neglect that settled inside, it wasn't his fault. He was working. It’s when he wasn't working, that's when brush offs hurt the most.

Checking your makeup again in the mirror to make sure the covering was adequate over the blueing bruises, you made your way out, pulling the door behind you after ordering an Uber to Venice.

Los Angeles wasn't all the glitz and glam that movies made it out to be. You learned that pretty fast last time you all had been here, with the kids. Having a temporary place in Burbank meant crossing the city often, though a quick commute for Chris. The studios were not but a 6 minute drive away. Ideal, yes. But fun, no.

The drive seemed quick, the driver was slightly chattier than what you thought was normal but you were not complaining. You may have just had a week with more adult action than you’d had in the last few months combined but you were never one to be impolite. You didn't say much, only that you've never visited Venice before and didn't know why, so you just said ‘why not?’.

When the vehicle came to a stop and a moment of regret flushed forward, but you pushed it back quick. Going by yourself was not the worst thing in the world. How else were you going to be able to see what you wanted to see? You didn't know anybody here in L.A. other than Chris. It wasn't like you could call Miley up and ask her to stroll around town with you. Well, you could. But - not like this.

You adjusted your own sunglasses as you walked the last block towards the water. The art on the walls were bright and gave off calm vibes. A skateboard whizzed past you quickly, catching you off guard. You sidestepped to the right of the sidewalk and watched him ride past you and others, closer towards the shops. Clutching your bag closer to your body, you continued, rounding the corner to what was familiar from the videos you had been so enamoured with.

Towering palm trees. Bikes, so many bikes. So many skateboards. You looked around a moment after making sure you were out of the walk way, admiring the ease of the people around. The skatepark up on the hill and the art lining the sidewalks it was all what you hoped to see from the video.

The shops were cute, making your way through a few. So many surf shops and all you could think about was guilt that Chris didn't know you left the apartment. Everything reminds you of him. A fire fight started in your brain - consisting of respect you had for having a partner versus having a sense of independency. You didn't have to disclose every footstep, you never expected him to, at least.

The spiral of your thoughts continued as you strolled across the sidewalks, leaving behind the shops. You took a seat in the grass overlooking the busy basketball courts and pulled your phone out. Ignoring the warmth on your shoulders from the sun, you checked for any notifications and were met with none.

Did you have a right to feel the way you were feeling at the moment?

Was it selfish? Was it hormones? Forget that.

But were you chalking it up to be something more, just a spiral of thoughts when he wasn't there to discredit them? Your clouds caused a moment of zoning out as you pondered.

You both spent all day yesterday together, he even made you dinner, working in the kitchen with music playing while you watched him from the couch. Admiring and happy to see him. A glint in your eyes that stayed, unsubdued. A girl can't help but be worked up when she had gone so long without him, pregnancy hormones were no help to the cause. All you wanted was for him to acknowledge what you had been repeatedly showing off.

You were horny.

There was no other way to put it. And a healing head injury was not going to magically make the want disappear, even if it seemed to have made the want disappear from himself. The thought made your stomach clench, remembering when he turned around and caught you staring at him with lustful, shameless eyes.

He knew the look. He knew it very well. But what happened when his eyes met you made your blood run cold, your feet quickly allowing you to leave the room so the hitch in your breath wasn't caught by his ears.

He had looked away from your gaze with a sigh, turning his back to you. Another word didn't leave his mouth until he had come to find you in the bedroom to tell you that dinner was ready. He stopped himself from pushing open the door when he heard you talking. The sadness in your voice, clouded with tears as you spoke to whoever was on the other line.

“We had such a good day, I had such a good day,” you corrected. “But, but I just-” you stopped a moment, taking in a shaking breath to gather your thoughts. He looked at his feet, bowing his head when the upset nature of the phone call settled in his mind.

“I just miss him so much Bri, and I feel like he just doesn't see me. I feel -”

Your speech was cut off by yelling through the line of the phone. You sucked in a breath and it came out in a shudder, trying to calm your own emotions. He didn't know what she was saying but it silenced you. He felt heavy with guilt that he was the source of your anguish. He needed to stop being weak. He was scared to hurt you but here he was, causing you pain repeatedly until he was the source of your tears. He didn't know if you were crying or not, but he could feel the pain and confusion behind your words.

You started to wrap up the call. A sting of “I know”s and “Okay”s spilled off your tongue and he made his way back to the kitchen, hoping you wouldn't feel upset if you knew that he was listening.

He stood plating the stir fry when you made your way back into the room with a grim smile, peaking at him and muttering ‘thank you’.

You remembered how he led you to the couch and played a random movie on the TV while you ate. He pulled you close to him when you both cleared you plates. The rush that had flooded through you made you blush. You sat there snuggled to him for almost an hour before you both headed to bed and he didn't touch you again.  He said all the right things, but words were hard at having such a meaning when his actions were iffy.

“I love you.”

“I'm glad you're here with me.”

“I missed you.”

“I love you, so much,” he would say with a rub on your arm.

A small kiss to your temple and you rolled on your side away from him, closing your eyes. Unbeknownst to you, he felt a bit of his heart break away when he watched you reach for the blankets and tug them to your shoulders, seeking them out for warmth rather than himself.

The empty notification screen mocked you, clicking the phone off once again. You looked up at your surroundings to admire the feel. It was busy, but not uncomfortably so. The skatepark behind you was bustling, and so were the basketball courts in front of you. But right there, where the grass was a soft green and you leaned against the raised plateau behind you, it was serene. Fairly quiet for the crowd around, but it was as if the sound didn't carry. The seagulls above were gliding, and the faint clicks of skate wheels hitting the ground blurred into the background noise of music coming from the shops.

It was a good spot to think. Something you have alway done far too much of.

The buzz in your hand had you snaping your head towards it, a dull ache spreading down your neck at the swift movement. The message had you jumping to your feet, making your way to the corner where you were dropped off.

“Almost done here. In the mood to go out for food?”

~

He beat you home, only by a minute though it seemed. As you were stepping out of the car and thanking the driver, your phone started ringing. You declined, tossing it into the mess of a purse you had as you made your way inside to the elevators, favoring talking to him in person instead.

The ride up seemed to go by faster than any other time before, allowing your nerves to revv in the light of Chris possibly being upset. The padding of your shoes made it to the door, your hand pushing it open.

His eyes met yours when the door opened and unsurprisingly the first words out of his mouth were, “where were you?”

“I just needed to get out for a bit,” you acknowledged lightly, setting your purse on the counter tops. You didn't meet his eyes, turning your back and digging for your phone. His voice was laced with curiosity, not expecting you to not be there when he arrived, even if you were only off by a mere minute or two.

“Where did you go?” He asked, keeping his feet planted. You turn to see him. He truly had just gotten here, a bag still thrown over his shoulder and shoes still on his feet. His brows furrowed as you met his eyes and then diverted from them again, absentmindedly rubbing your temple where bruises were covered.

“I went to Venice Beach, I haven't been there before and I just want to walk aro-”

“How did you get to Venice? Did you go by yourself?” He worried on with a malice tone. Your ears were growing red as he spoke.

“Yes I went by myself, who else would I have gone with?” You hissed at him. You could already feel your hands shaking. You knew you had worked yourself up today while you were out and were just waiting for the point to start a fight. Still completely confused on whether he deserved it or not, but you were beyond frustrated.

“I don't know anybody here! I have one friend who I barely see! Yes! I went by myself. I needed to be around people. I'm lonely!” You raised your voice at him. He stepped towards you with his hands out when your defense shot up. You crossed your arms around yourself protectively, delivering a sign of needing to be comforted, even if by your own arms.

“I'm sick of being by myself!” You told him as he grew closer, watching with pained eyes as you laid it out for him. “I just - God I don’t know. I just - I needed to get out and do something.”

“Hey,” he calmed. “Im right here.”

“No, Chris!” You pushed his outstretched hands away from your own. “You're not.” You took a deep breath while he stood speechless, catching an eyeful of the hurt you were carrying on your shoulders.

“Princess,” he pleaded, waiting for you to take a look at him but your eyes were wandering to any surface but his.You couldn't get the right words out to say. It had always been like this when you grew frustrated, your own vocabulary runs from your thoughts. You grew silent as a tear finally fell from your eyes but was quickly wiped away by his own fingers. When you didn't protest his touch he took that as a good sign. He muttered your name in surrender.

“What do you want me to do?” He watched for a reaction. “Tell me what I can do.” He was at a loss. Spending more time apart than together was a strain that was eerily familiar and it pressed down on him so hard he was ready to beg for understanding. He wanted to understand what he could do to make this better but what you said next caught him off guard, rendering him silent and confused.

“Do you love me?”

His eyes burned at the yearning of your question. The watery eyes that flicked to his in search of an answer. His lips were dropped open at the turn of events this evening had taken. He thought about this evening all day. He was going to let you choose the place for dinner and shower you with dessert, with love, and affection to make up for what he had overheard. He wanted to show you the beautiful diamond that had your name written all over it and ask a very important question.

He was too quiet, mulling over how he had gotten to this point while you stood with uncertainty, continuing on your quest of finding answers.

“I know I'm starting to look different,” your head bowed at the revelation that he might not like what he sees. “And we are so far apart alot, but I'm still me.”

He spoke your name, drawing himself from his silent trance, wanting you to stop now and not speak another incredulous word.

“My face,” you whispered sadly. “It will go away in a little bit...” The whole in your chest was opening, grabbing a hold of your voice and refusing to let another word out.

“Baby, stop,” his words filled the empty void when yours ceased. He eyed a hand of yours making its way to your neck, a sign of discomfort. He stopped it in its tracks and pulled you to his chest.

His arms cocooned you, holding you far too tight to be comfortable, but you needed it. To feel he was there and there with you. He pressed you head to his chest with the revelation of disregarding his own hesitancy of somehow hurting you with his touch. His heartbeat melding with your own as you froze, slowly melting your guard until tears wet his shirt.

If his goal was to keep you from harm, he failed. It was proven when you released the tension from your shoulders against his grip. His words repeated until you showed signs of listening. Words of reassurance and love. Words filled with apologies and pleads for you to forgive him for causing you this pain. He was naive to think of you in such a way. To make up a version of yourself that was weak or fragile. He lost sight of the fire you have in your veins when happiness emits from your aura. The glow you have when your body shakes from laughter. The strong independent girl that rounded the corner of his kitchen and introduced herself without a glitch of uncertainty. But here you were asking for reassurance and he knew it was his own fault.

You cried in his arms, letting him carry your weight from the room before he sat down on the bed and let you take a moment to breathe, curled atop his knees and listening to his voice.

“Hey,” He said, lifting a hand from your shoulder to run over his face, drying the wetness that plagued his own skin. “You are so beautiful that it takes my breath away. Perfect. And I mean in every sense. You will always be perfect. Princess I never want to hear you say those words again. You are so perfect. And always will be. We have a little baby growing.” You took a deep breath, picking your head off his shoulder and reaching down to lay a hand over the swell in your tummy.

“A baby!” He said, laying a hand over your own, though waiting for you to meet his eyes again. “You will look different, princess, and I will be here and love every single minute of it. I promise. No doctor appointments with Bri, I will be here. And this,” He brushed your hair away from your face, fingers lingering against your scalp. Your head tilted up and basked in the touch.

“This I take responsibility for. It eats me up inside, but you still take my breath away. Every time, and always will.” He watched as you looked at him and listened intimately to what he was saying. “And I want to be the person you go places with. You can go alone if you like,” he added, “but I will never not want to be by your side. Do you understand me?”

You look on a second more, gauging his expression and contemplating his words before you nod. “No more tears, please.” His hands moved to cradle your face, thumbs clearing the skin and in a flash his lips met yours. Filled with promise, he kissed you like you wished he would for days. You craved his taste and was letting you have it, finally feeding into the small fire in the pit of your stomach.

“I love you so much,” he whispered against your lips.

“I have something I want to show you,” he admitted, pulling away. A deep, clarifying breath escaped your lungs and he rubbed your back in turn, reaching in his pocket for his phone with the other hand.

His fingers fumbled across the screen, having to reenter the password twice. You looked away and laid your head into the crock of his neck, closing your eyes. Whatever it was, surely it could wait while your heart mellowed to a regular pace.

The peace was cut short when he whispered your name again, drawing your eyes open. He pushed his phone from his hand and into yours.

“There’s an album right here with your name on it.” You looked on at his camera albums listed on the bright screen. “And I want you to look through it.” He was certain with his words, urging you on.

“Why?” you asked, looking back up at him.

“I love you so much princess, I just want to show you, I want for you to know it and never question it again.” His sincerity was clear, nodding back down towards the phone in your hands. You opened it without a word and clicked on a photo. It was nice, from a few months back, but neither you nor India were looking towards him. She sat in front of you on the kitchen counter, clearly way past her bedtime. Both of you sneaking a bowl of ice cream but what stood out was the smile adorning both of your faces. Crazy hair and slightly sunburned cheeks laughing at each other. You remembered the night clearly, both of you having a private running joke to see how much ice cream you both could eat before Papa notices and “makes us eat salad for dinner”.

You sneaked a look up at him after glancing at the photo, “You know we sneak ice cream all the time, right?”

“Sure do,” he laughed in return. “Keep going.”

You looked back down at the phone and swiped to see another. A photo snuck from the doorway while you rested your head in your hand, elbows on the table as you watched the boys write something out on some paper in the homeschool room, reaching out with the other hand to point at something on Tristans’ sheet.

The next one was you sitting at the foot of the couch while India stood tall above you trying to put a braid in your locks while Sasha sat on your legs with a book in his hand. It was serene, calm. You pressed down on the picture to watch the Live, a short clip of fingers tangling in your hair and Sasha's voice reading aloud. You stifle a smile at it.

The next made you suck in a breath. You were sleeping in his bed at home, the sheet barely covering you. The curve of your back disappearing into the sheets, obviously sleeping in the nude, unaware of the camera pointed at you.

“Chris!” You teased, looking at him. And smirked and shrugged his shoulders, encouraging you again to continue. You brought your attention back to the photos, swiping through more and more. There were many and you kept going at a steady pace until another caught your eye.

You brought the screen to your eyes to examine it, brows furrowing in curiosity. Sasha’s room, although slightly messy, was easily recognizable as you lounged on the bed in the background, lying next to the boy.

Fingers trapping a small ring with an identifiable glow thrusting off the jewel perched atop. The pads of your fingers zoomed in on the object, at the same time, fairly sure your lungs stopped working.

You quickly swiped to the next picture, though the same ring adorned the foreground.

This time you stood against the bathroom counter brushing out your hair.  The circle of jewelry resting around his own finger, reaching just below the first knuckle before it got stuck. You stared at the daring ring, resisting the urge to look at the man whose chest was pressed against your shoulder, whose arm rested across your back, rubbing gently, urging for you to continue.

You covered your mouth at the next one, fingers resting across your lips in astonishment. The bare skin of your shoulders were accented by the waves of your hair falling over them. Eyes closed, rested against his chest in search of sleep. He was cheeky, smiling in the photo, showing off a glowin diamond on a ring far too small for his own fingers.

The next picture was another of the same nature. Then a photo of you reaching for a glass in the kitchen. One of you sleeping on a plane. One of you naked, behind the blurred glass of the shower doors. One of you staring intently at your phone while standing at the counter. One of you standing in the mirror, examining, no - admiring the form of your growing baby.

You knew Chris was up to something, fidgeting after taking that photo, looking guilty as all get out. A brief watery laugh escaped as you reached that one.

The next was hilarious, Ellen with her face over your shoulder, with a surprised look, staring right at the camera. She knew!

You looked up at him, waiting for an answer to these photos. He just smiled and nudged you till you finished. There were more, a few more, as recent as this morning before he snuck away to go to set.

“It’s for you, love,” his voice whispers against the skin of your neck, lowering his lips to press a kiss where he knows you melt no matter the circumstance. An arm tightened around your back as he leaned forward and reached under the mattress, pulling a hidden box from the crease. You glazed at it as he switched hands and then brought it to you, flipping it open.

It was there, in person and not in a photo, demanding attention is the slyest of ways. It was beautiful, extravagant with an essence of simplicity. Words were caught in your throat as you stared at it, slowly blurring from your vision from unwelcome tears.

“Will you marry me?”

[prismcaster]

I just had the most amazing experience!!!

I am going to do a little back story here, because it has been quite a while since my last post...

So, my grandfather, who was the the only person in my entire 35 years of existence that I never felt the need to question if he really loved me. Any way, super long story, shortened because I don’t feel like getting into that right now, he passed away three months ago.

In the time since then, i began to question my choice of kicking spiritualism from my life. You see, since my father, i chose that purposefully, because calling him dad would insinuate that he ever truly gave a fuck about me, or my sister.... but anyway, he used and still probably does, use his religion as an excuse to punish his children for doing him wrong.... which is typical narcissistic behavior.

Which speaking of, i recently read a book called Narcissistic Father, and it literally explained him to me perfectly! It actually made the fact that he has something wrong with him mentally, make me feel so much better about myself somehow.... because well, it turns out, it really is his fault, and none of it is mine. So definitely check out that book!

So since I have all these odd feelings for him because of these things... I cast “religion” out of my life completely. I figured, religion had to be fake, because no religion would keep a parent from their child, so i cast it out 100%. It was so bad, i began to believe that when you die, you just go. I believed that when you go, there is nothing, it just ends, and that your body decomposes, giving it back to the earth you were born from, and that is that.

Then the depression came in. Because there is nothing. Nothing else. And if I couldn’t have my family back, the way i thought it should be, and that at the end of all this pain, there truly is nothing, then what is the point in being in pain forever? And contemplated suicide while laying in the floor in my art studio in complete darkness.

But i thought,” that’s stupid, you didn’t die from cancer and you’re thinking about this right now?! What the fuck, you idiot!” And i got up off the floor, switched the light back on, wiped the tears from my eye’s, and started to draw again. This eventually led to me cutting my arm open, and telling someone months later, and finally getting the help i needed to be able to get better.

Therapy was such a blessing. I truly recommend it. Talking about your problems with someone you are literally paying to listen to you, and paying to keep their opinions to themselves, is a blessing in and of itself. I also strongly suggest journaling. When ever i felt bad, i would write to myself... it helped me explain what i was feeling to myself so that i could finally start to process what was actually happening in my mind so that I could start to slowly solve my own problems.

As i did this, a strange sense of accomplishment came over me suddenly, as i realized that the saying is true, you have to create your own happiness, and also, that you have to love yourself if you ever hope to love anyone else.

So i kept working on myself, and one day, my sister mentioned to me that she had picked up a ouija board at a garage sale. Immediately, for some reason, i said, let’s do it! And we called our other sisters, and planned our first seance. The four of us went all out. We put white candles everywhere , took it very seriously, and experienced the magic of ouija for the first time.

Now, it took a while of hitting dead ends which what we were communicating with, but one day, the mother lode of insane things happened! My cousin came through the board, and after confirming neither of us were moving the planchette, and that this truly was who they said they were, i realized that the end isn’t really the end, but that there really is more, and my life started to change more and more.

I eventually decided that since I didn’t enjoy coloring any more, that I should make a coloring book instead, that way other people can color my art work, and make it their own.

Then, in the midst of this, I decided that I wanted to make my own ouija board, but not call it a ouija board.... so the google searches began.

My sister and I started a podcast, and i used that as an excuse to do an episode on the ouija board, as an excellent excuse to do deep dive research on the boards themselves.

Using this info, I knew I needed to make a spirit board, so I started to work on drawing a design, while also trying to figure out how to make it.

One day I realized “hey, i could make this design up on my ipad and turn the background off, and turn this into a png file, and cut it out with your cricut!”

So i immediately set to work on that, while still trying to figure out how to make them. Finally one day, i discussed this idea with my husband, and he suggested resin on wood. And so it began.

So far, i have made around 30 or maybe more, boards, and yet, i still do not have my own! Maybe some day! Anyway, so that was done and in progress, I left my job that was sucking me dry physically and emotionally, started pushing myself harder, was finally trying to live my life for me, instead of trying to live it the way i thought my father would have wanted me to.

I was truly happy.

And then my grandpa left us.

I collapsed hard. But I had to try to keep it together at the same time because my grandma needed me... my mom needed me.... and my sisters needed me. I fought it as long as i could.... but eventually i broke under the pressure, and re visited my therapist, whom I have decided I am just going to continue to see monthly just in case.

Turns out, I was handling grief the right way.... which I am sure surprised her a little, being as how she had diagnosed me with ptsd a few years prior.

Since his passing, i have not touched a board, or held a pendulum, and not because I am afraid he will talk to me.... but because I am afraid that he won’t. As a 100% Irish Catholic man, I am not sure if he would come through the board or not, although, i do think that he would think it would be funnier than hell to scare us.

I have however found something to believe in. Paganism. No judgements, no frills, just love, paganism, and I will never look back.

After I decided to “come out of the broom closet” so to speak, and openly declare that I am a magical being, things started changing fast...

I finished my coloring book, and most importantly, feel mentally healed. I can’t even begin to explain it, but I will try....

First, after grandpa’s passing, I realized I had learned a few things. For example, that you shouldn’t take those you love for granted, which is when i realized he was the only person who had shown me unconditional love my entire life, no matter what. I also learned from that, the passing of the person who took care of me like a dad, that all I was doing was punishing myself for something someone else did, and that I needed to stop. And you know why?! Religion!

The same damn thing that i tried so hard to keep out.

You see, my grandpa was a wonderful dude. In my entire existence, i never heard him say a negative word about anyone. And most notably, whenever he heard me say anything bad about anyone, he would tell me that I couldn’t change them, but I should say a prayer for them.

It was this phrase, which i had repeated to me over and over again, that now finally made sense after finally realizing the true power of religion. You see, I couldn’t change my father, but, I could change the way he effected me. So, i made a little testament outloud, i moved on.

But then i realized, that if that was the case with that, maybe I needed to be more open to the idea, of religion being legitimate. So i started some research again. But this time, as homework for the tribe I was planning to join. I researched goddesses, because If I was going to pick a deity to start working with, they had to be a strong female.

First up, came Athena. And i truly believe she has been with me, allowing me to get through all of my life’s battles, without me even knowing, for years.

I studied greek mythology in college because I was fascinated by it, and was floored by the parthenon, and the giant statue of Athena that stood inside, and even insisted on visiting the replica while in Tennessee for my sister’s birthday.

Coincidentally, it also turns out that she is the goddess if wisdom, arts, and crafts, so i knew she was the one for me.

Tonight, after my full initiation into the group, i went to the full moon ritual, and was asked some very prying questions by what I will refer to as the “mega crone” and I was forced to question a lot about my choices right then, in front of everyone, and ended up crying while explaining all of that to them , and not really all that well.

But i left there thinking that I needed to let go of the idea of needing to know everything, and just go with the flow.... knowledge is nice, but too much knowledge can have it’s downfalls as well. But also left me wondering how I ended up on this path.

So here i am, telling a long ass background story to get to the damn point!

I was feeling emotional after getting home, and decided to light a candle for my great aunt who is in the hospital, and try to meditate for a while.

Normally, when I try to meditate, I don’t feel anything, and also don’t normally see much, but It’s like I can envision it, even though I can’t actually see it... imagination! Which is something I had cast out of my life a long time ago as well.

So tonight i was ready. Whatever happened was going to happen.... and if grandpa communicated with me while i was meditating I would deal with the emotions and just go on. I turned on my favorite meditation video, and jumped right in... and it fuckin worked! I could feel the ground and see lights, it was so magical! I wish I could explain the trees!

Then, after i processed that I am magical, that I can truly take my own pains away, which set off a mini party if thoughts in my mind, i refocused, and realized that athena had actually been with me my whole life. She got me to grandpa somehow when he was living thousands of miles away, so that I could continue to see and feel what true love is. She was with me through the shit storm that was my youth... and stood with me as i learned to fight for myself, and get up.

It was right now that I realized I am truly magical.... i am loved.... i am perfect the way i am..... i am enough. And if anyone ever should stumble upon this ramble, and stuck with it until now.... know that you are all of those things too! And if you don’t agree, i hope maybe my path will inspire you to get to know yourself, and see what incredible, life changing things could be in store for you.

[toughbookie]

7 Books in 7 Days

I Stumbled across a few YouTube videos about this “7 Books in 7 Days” challenge going on on the internet.

I got curious and after absolutely no research or further preparation, I decided to do that as well; I would have read seven books in a week.

Aaaaand here’s pretty much how it went.

DAY 1: The book I couldn’t find in English

Title: Storia di una balena bianca raccontata da lei stessa

Author: Luis Sepúlveda

Pages: 107

Rate: 5/5

Having started in the early evening, I had to pick a book that was short enough for me to finish on the same day. The choice fell on this tiny masterpiece by Sepúlveda, whose literature I wasn’t familiar with (boy, will that change during this reading challenge) aside from The Story of a Seagull and the Cat Who Taught Her to Fly, read years and years and year and years ago.

What I thought I was going forward was a nice, cute little novel.

I.

Was.

Wrong.

This actually kind of broke me.

Based on the story of Moby Dick - which in turn is based on the true story of the Essex, a whaler that left the island of Nantucket in 1819 only to be destroyed by the giant sperm whale the crew was after to acquire the oil to power lamps… Look, life sucked before we got electricity - this book is narrated by the giant white whale in the flesh. As you might have guessed by now, we’re not talking about the happiest story ever.

What starts as an observation from the young whale’s eyes of the resourcefulness and curiosity of mankind, quickly transforms into a condemnation of its cruelty and disrespect for nature.

Beautifully written, I definitely recommend this book to anyone who loves angst and can speak Italian or Spanish (I couldn’t find an English version).

I really had a good time with it. And also a good cry. I’m fragile.

DAY 2: The book about a murder

Title: The body in the library

Author: Agatha Christie

Pages: 215

Rate: 4/5

For the second day of this challenge, I’ve decided to throw myself into a novel featuring Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple.

In this crime novel, the body of a young woman is found in the library of Mr. and Mrs. Bantry’s house. The problem: nobody knows this girl or how she got in there. It’s going to be up to the police and, naturally, to Miss Marple, to find the truth.

I have discovered Agatha Christie only recently but it’s undeniable that she deserves all my love. It’s been fun to read this book and develop theories to find out who the murderer was and how and why they acted. It was like piecing a puzzle together. This is my first reading featuring Miss Marple, and I found her quite impressive. Unlike her “colleague”, Hercule Poirot, Miss Marple is not a detective, she’s just people smart, and it’s delightful to follow her around on her adventures.

Unfortunately the finale didn’t satisfy me that much, but it was still pretty good. Definitely recommended.

DAY 3: The long one

Title: The temptation to be happy

Author: Lorenzo Marone

Pages: 268

Rate: 3.5/5

Note: The more I think about this book, the more I feel like it doesn’t fully deserve its 3.5 rating. Consider it as an “almost 4”, please and thank you.

On the third day, I faced the longest book of the ones I had chosen. And, since life happened and I had other things to do around, I risked not finishing it on time (no worries, I managed).

The story is one of a cynical 77 years old widow: Cesare Annunziata. He doesn’t really care much about the people around him, except his daughter and son whom he loves even though of course he doesn’t know how to show it. Up until here, it’s honestly pretty standard and it has its cliches.

Everything changes when Cesare realizes that his new neighbor, Emma, is a victim of domestic abuse and lives in fear of her husband. The old man and the woman form an improbable friendship aaaaand I don’t want to get into spoiler territory, even tho the story is actually quite simple and sometimes predictable.

The best part about this, however, is not the story. The characters are what really brings the book to life, with a perfect balance of goofy and more serious personalities. It’s people we could meet every day, and that’s what really makes it good. Not full of plot twist, but it’s not meant to be.

Reading Lorenzo Marone was a pretty nice way to spend the day.

DAY 4: The other book about the murder

Title: A Caribbean mystery

Author: Agatha Christie

Pages: 230

Rate: 4/5 

Another day, another Agatha Christie’s novel. In this sunny and colorful environment, new murders have happened and new assassins have to be found.

Miss Marple, on holidays in the Caribbean, is having quite a good time, except not much is going on around here. Lucky for her - and honestly, only for her… I mean, good for you that you have a hobby but you should really not enjoy dead people so much - old Major Palgrave is found dead in his room. What looks like a natural death to most is actually a deeper mystery, and it’s up to Miss Marple to dig up the truth and save the day before the assassin strikes again.

Again, making up theories and analyzing the characters is a lot of fun, and I actually found out who the assassin was, which is pretty rare because I’m dumb at mysteries.

At the end of this book I started to feel a bit tired and I got a bit of a headache. I loved reading it, but with work I never really have the time for long, intensive sessions that go on for multiple days in a row.

Still, the pleasure of reading this book made everything more bearable.

 DAY 5: The big fail

Title: Loving sabotage

Author: Amélie Nothomb

Pages: 62 out of 124

Rate: 1/5

God, I hated this book. Pretentious, boring, just bad. It didn’t even seem like there was a plot or the author was talking about anything in particular, just words put down one after the other without any true purpose.

Really felt like a waste of time. It was awful to get though. So I didn’t. Which, given my holiday was over and I had to go back to work, gave me a bit of a time problem.

DAY 5: Sepúlveda strikes back

Title: Patagonia Express

Author: Luis Sepúlveda

Pages: 127

Rate: 5/5

To save the day at the last minute, came Luis Sepúlveda with this short account of his travels in Patagonia.

Starting in Spain and exploring the very edge of the world, this collection is filled with wild characters and hilarious episodes that made me enjoy every single page. 

That is, after getting past that one chapter about lamb castration.

That was a weird one.

I’ve never liked this particular literary genre much, but Luis Sepúlveda gives an incredible description of the places he visited, the people he met and their own stories, which are particularly bizarre and told with incredible talent. It’s a pretty short book, so I don’t want to spoil anything, but you get the drill.

Possibly my favorite book out of this challenge, Patagonia Express is a delightful quick escape from the ordinary.

 DAY 6: Guess who’s back

Title: The old man who read love stories

Author: Luis Sepúlveda

Pages: 135

Rate: 3/5

So, Sepúlveda wasn’t originally supposed to stick around for so long, but here we go again.

As for The old man who read love stories, it’s possibly the book I liked the least from Sepúlveda. Which isn’t saying much, I still like his work a lot.

The story is one of old Antonio José Bolívar Proaño, and guess what: he likes to read love stories. 

That makes two of us, buddy.

He’s also an expert of the forest nearby the small town of El Idilio, and forced to hunt down a female of ocelot, along with a group of men from the town.

Through some flashbacks we also find out the story of his life and how he became to know the forest so well. That’s my favorite part of the novel, by the way.

While the book started well, it felt like it got lost somewhere around the second half, which was supposed to be the important, life-lessons-packed part. You know, the part you don’t want to get lost at.

By the last pages I was almost falling asleep, and thinking back a couple of days later I don’t really remember much of the story as a whole.

In total honesty, a lot of it might have been because it was the sixth book in as many days, and my three brain cells had been up to a lot more than they can usually stand. Plus, long work hours got in the way.

DAY 7: Because it’s Christmas

Title: Hercule Poirot’s Christmas

Author: Agatha Christie

Pages: 209

Rate: 3.5/5

A millionaire asshole. His children and their wives. A nephew and a family friend. A murder on Christmas night.

It would have been offensive to read so much Agatha Christie without any Hercule Poirot, and so here comes my dear detective, ready for the grand finale.

Also, it’s Christmas!! Christmas book!! Christmas spirit!! Quite literally I mean someone got killed -

Hercule Poirot’s Christmas is an interesting novel, full of well done characters and mystery. I had a good time reading it, as I always do with this kind of novels.

But I do have to say - it’s probably just me and other readers liked it fine - the finale really ruined it for me. It feels pulled out of nowhere at the last minute, and even though it was certainly a big surprise, it felt added like a second thought just to make an even bigger plot twist than what could have been.

Aside from that, it’s a good book and given the settings I dare say it’s the perfect reading for when it’s cold outside, maybe snowing, and you’re cuddling under a blanket with a nice warm cup of tea.

Or hot chocolate.

Pick your favorite, I won’t judge.

Conclusions:

So finally we’re at the end of this 7 Books in 7 days Challenge. It was very enjoyable, but also towards the end it got pretty draining and sometimes stressful to keep up with the reading schedule while squeezing into the day everything else life throws at you.

Doing that on a week of holidays instead three days, when I could have focused only on the books, it would have probably gone differently, maybe even attempting to tackle longer novels. But you know, we’re talking about reading 1139 pages in a week, which is not something I thought I was capable of doing.

So overall I’m proud of how I did.

Not sure if I’ll repeat this but I’m glad I’ve done it, at least this once, and I honestly recommend it.

Also I don’t want to read anything else until 2022.

Bookie, signing out.

[mittensmorgul]

aroundmyself

  I’m a little confused with ep. 8. I thought Adams...

so i guess there were people who were annoyed by our existence and people who are annoyed by your existence (in the fandom, not literally. people live your lives fully)

I was making a joke. and I suppose you didn’t read the post far enough to see the conclusion:

But then 15.08 did something shocking, and humanized Adam, and actually made me care about him. Finally he was a real person I could empathize with, and not a ghoul or a plot device, you know?

Because that’s all he ever was before. And the passion for him was just baffling to me. Especially when it was typically delivered in pointed “Supernatural sucks and here’s why” lists.

They barely mentioned a character for a decade. They told us if he said yes he'd go to Heaven. I was making a joke about that, because the whole thing-- especially 7-8 years ago, was ridiculous.

I guess here’s a little story about my personal history in this fandom.

When I first showed up in fandom, after having watched through s7 at the time, I saw all the memes (they were EVERYWHERE, like half the posts about Supernatural would end up with a gif reminding everyone that Adam was still in Hell... there were campaigns to bring Adam back...). I couldn't understand it. He was a one episode (well, three if you count being a ghoul in 4.19 and being Michael in 5.22) character that in the one episode we actually met him, wanted nothing to do with the Winchesters. I couldn't figure out why people were so desperate to have him back, or how he would even fit into the ongoing story.

The only reason they rolled with Dabb’s original Adam plotline was specifically because Adam would already be dead when they met him. That... was the condition on which they went with the episode pitch, because they had no way to fit a random Bonus Winchester into the story. Actually maybe go read that link in the original post of Dabb talking about the purpose of creating the character in the first place.

And it wasn't *my* theory to start with, it was a common theory I read in the meta community at the time. Because that's what we do... we talk about canon and theorize about what fills in the blanks. Adam was apparently a blank people wanted filled in.

Go back and look up old lists of "Plot Holes Supernatural Ignores" and Adam is at the top of every last one of those lists (and there were a LOT of those lists back in s8-9 or so-- new showrunner, people were hoping to have some of their issues addressed in canon, I guess? Maybe it was just that era of tumblr where people lived for lists like that? Blame Superwholock? I don't know). And a lot of those lists were written by people trying to make the point that “Supernatural is a bad and terrible show that nobody should watch.” So unfortunately for me, who arrived in fandom at just the right time and wanted to actually find other people who ENJOYED the show that I did, rather than just shit all over it, the whole “Adam is still in the cage!” argument got mentally lumped in with the rest of the dumb things (that 90% of weren’t actually plot holes... there are also posts that debunk most of those lists, as well). But we didn’t have any final, definitive word on Adam.

FOR YEARS.

He was mentioned in 6.11 as a sort of “false choice” for Dean-- do you really think he would even CONSIDER saving Adam from the cage over Sam? Right. It was a guilt move. (and the first time I watched 6.11, probably only a few days after watching 5.22 for the first time, where Michael told Dean that Adam “wasn’t home,” I PERSONALLY assumed that Adam had gone to Heaven, as he was promised. The show still gave me no reason to think otherwise, not even Death giving Dean a guilt trip over what he was attempting to do for Sam, since THAT was basically the point of the whole episode.)

He wasn’t mentioned again until 10.05, by Marie, who also wrote robots in space into her musical. She was writing FANFICTION, which... the Adam line felt like the same sort of fanfic wish that a lot of her other plot devices were.

And that was it... until we saw him on screen in 15.08. i.e. AFTER Chuck blew up his own story. Not through Dean’s entire AU!Michael arc in s14, not when they all went back to the cage in s11 and let Lucifer out... Michael was mentioned a couple of times, but never Adam. So what reason did we have to assume he hadn’t gotten exactly what he was promised in 5.18?

ETA, because this is key, after Sam was brought back and had his soul returned, he never ONCE mentioned that Adam was actually still in the cage with him all that time. NOT. ONCE. That seems kinda the thing Sam-- being a Good and Caring Human-- would’ve felt was something they could’t let stand, you know? If he had really been locked in that cage with Adam for that year and a half. So SAM’S reaction (or complete lack thereof) was the biggest bit of evidence for me that Adam was never actually in the cage. I didn’t believe that Sam could actually let it stand if Adam had really been in the cage. But apparently he could... I am kind of uncomfortable about what this revelation says about Sam now...

And I found a bunch of incredibly thoughtful, well-reasoned defenses of the theory I personally had understood while watching. And the show continued not addressing Adam. After a few years, you sort of have to accept canon as it stands and move on. Especially after reading the creator of the character’s intent in creating him in the first place. ESPECIALLY when said creator is now the showrunner:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184474002825/when-daniel-loflin-and-i-came-up-with-the-idea

The thing is, after s10, we all had even MORE fuel for our theory. After all, the second most common item on those “Lists of Why Supernatural Is Bad and You Should Feel Bad For Liking It” was Jimmy Novak. People 100% believed that Jimmy Novak was still rattling around inside Castiel, with the same fiery passion they still believed Adam was in the Cage.

This was another commonly debunked thing, often in the same posts and employing the identical headcanons and theories to fill in the blanks that were applied to Adam, because their situations were nearly identical. Angel possesses human--> angel explodes/is immolated/otherwise destroyed--> human soul goes to Heaven. At that time, there was actually MORE evidence to suggest that Adam was in Heaven than there was to suggest Jimmy was. Adam’s entire deal to say yes was predicated on it, while Jimmy only expected to go back to his “chained to a comet” experience with no hope of rest.

And then in 10.09 the show 100% confirmed that Jimmy had died the first time Cas was exploded (in 4.22, offscreen, we only saw the aftermath, so the video clip they used for the flashback was from 5.22, but the same thing happened in 4.22... so). If that wasn’t enough of a confirmation, we saw Jimmy and Amelia in Heaven in 10.20. That seemed, at the time, to be the definitive statement on what happens to human souls when their vessels are destroyed.

The show gave us little reason to believe that Adam wasn’t exactly where he was promised to go-- in Heaven.

And now, after we’ve learned about Chuck’s penchant for sending innocent people to Hell, and learned about the decade Adam and Michael spent with only themselves for company actually learning about one another and caring for one another... I am basically saying that the show found a way to actually make Adam and his story-- and the fact that it literally defies all other established canon-- interesting to me.

How... how is this... about you? A character created as a one-off joke in an episode that was basically one long Cousin Oliver gag, who was summarily wiped off the table by the end of the episode... but then repurposed for a Bigger Meta Plot Reason the following season... I find it FASCINATING that after being basically a joke in the show for the last decade, the writers have once again repurposed him for a Bigger Meta Plot Reason.

In case it’s not clear, I find this INCREDIBLY COOL, okay? I’m sorry your fave has never been my fave, and that I haven’t been holding a candle for his return all these years, but HOOBOY they got me interested in him now.

Maybe actually READ the posts you decide are a pointed attack on you personally before leaving bitter comments. Being impressed at a narrative callback that I was entirely prepared to hate is probably the best thing about s15 so far for me, personally, and that’s all my original post was attempting to state. With a bit of humor about my personal fandom experience. There was zero bitterness intended in any of this.

This show has over 300 episodes, and I’ve never been interested in descending into bitterness over a character who’s been absent from the narrative for a decade. As is my standard approach, I attempt to explain a thing as satisfactorily to MYSELF as possible, and then move on. It’s a healthy approach I highly recommend.

[etraytin]

Quarantine, Day 49

One more note on the weird time theme of yesterday; today I got an Amazon Question in my email from somebody wanting to know about a camcorder I bought twelve years ago. (It is obviously hella discontinued, but there are apparently a few third party sellers still.) For those of you who were not paying attention to camera technology in 2008, phone cameras were basically still bullshit unless you were willing to shell out a couple month's rent for your camera, which I was not. I had a flip phone until 2014, I shit you not. So phone cameras were not as much of a thing, but you could buy little pocket video cameras that ran on AA batteries and were about the size of an Iphone 5, but a little thicker. They had an internal memory of maybe an hour, and a USB port that popped out like a switchblade so you could upload it to your computer. They were, honestly, pretty cool in a dorky sort of way. I used that camera for early pictures of the kiddo, along with a tiny handheld camcorder-shaped camcorder that could do things like "let me see what I was recording even outdoors." It's long gone, of course, which is why it was so funny to see that question pop up today, someone apparently legitimately wondering about the focal length of a crappy little camera from another lifetime. I hope somebody actually knows the answer. 

The kittens are doing well today and I was able to secure some more formula for them. I am very excited because Amazon informs me that people have bought formula from my wish list and it is on the way (<3<3<3) but kitten formula is apparently not essential enough to make the journey very quickly. Luckily I now have enough for at least another three or four days. They’re eating a lot and gaining quite a bit of weight, so it’s worth being patient.

 I am, however, quickly losing patience with the vet tech at my rescue. Vet tech school doesn't actually include very much information about raising orphan kittens, by and large, and she has picked up some extremely...nonstandard... ideas about the state of the art. I don't claim to be an expert myself, but I've been doing it for a number of years now with pretty good success, and I have done a lot of reading, consulted with a lot of incredibly experienced people, and attended official training given by reputable agencies. What I'm trying to say is that my kitten-raising strategies are not uninformed and I didn't just make them up in my head, and getting constantly bitched out over them by text message got old about three litters ago. I probably could not have saved my littlest kitten this time even if the tech hadn't insisted that I not use Pedialyte even though it was recommended by the kitten raising experts that our own rescue brought in to teach us how to raise kittens, but I don't think not using it helped at all. And when I want to switch to a formula that literally everyone I speak to says is either superior to or at least equal to the kind we are already using, it is not appropriate to bite my head off and say that veterinarians don't approve of it because it causes vomiting and diarrhea, so I'd better stop using it quicklike. I devoted quite a bit of time today to looking for _any_ evidence of that opinion online, searching for articles online, reading product reviews, and asking other fosters. Nada.

I do my very best to be polite, and sometimes the tech can be very helpful, but too often it is this bullshit and I have trouble coping with it when usually I'm operating on way too little sleep already. The trouble is, the tech has a large amount of power over policy at the rescue, and not doing what she says could get me in trouble. Honestly, at this point I am losing interest in complying anyway. What are they going to do, take my kittens away when they are finally healthy and growing? And there are other rescues out there, and they always need bottlefeeders. It just sucks because other than that I really, really like my rescue and I do not want to leave. Ugh. At least with healthy kittens, I need to consult a lot less often. 

Anyway, enough of my personal cat lady drama. The kittens are doing really well and are incredibly fluffy, and that is the important part! Now that Jackie is no longer so far down she can barely swallow, I can keep her clean much more easily and she is starting to rival Rosa for adorable soft squishableness. I am, however, increasingly willing to bet that they are not actually siblings and Rosa is several days to a week older. She's just so much bigger, and has more teeth! It's okay, they still love each other. Also, letting the kiddo cuddle with them or read to them or supervise their playtime is a good little motivating tool to help him power through his schoolwork. Double bonus! 

The big, big,big grocery order came in today, and it was indeed large. I now have two boxes of staple foods to tuck away for hurricanes and/or societal difficulties, plus several cans of mackerel for trapping wily feral cats! Feral cats love mackerel, it just smells soooo bad. I decided that if I was going to lay in some extra meat, it was mostly going to be sausage and bacon, because that's the sort of meat where a little bit goes a long way in terms of enriching the flavor of a meal. I got some ground turkey and beef, but I also have textured vegetable protein in the pantry to stretch it for things like spaghetti sauce, tacos, and chili. And I scored two ultra-rare bags of 15 bean soup mix, so I can use my other hambone! You guys don't even understand how much I love ham and bean soup, or how exciting this is. The weird thing is, two weeks ago when I made my last pickup order, the pickup area was packed solid with cars, and cars were even waiting to get into the spots. Today, I was literally the only car there when my food came out. The parking lot was packed, it's just that everyone was shopping inside. Not a great sign. 

Definitely the most fun I had today was playing with the excellent West Wing gifset that @donnajosh​ made of Josh and Sam. Watching their faces made me laugh very hard, and I had to caption it. It was a whole face journey, made by two guys who would absolutely follow the Delta shuttle all the way to Indianapolis if they were not stopped. Too funny! Thank god for people on the internet, just being there and doing stuff and making all of this feel less lonely. 

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

[justalittleofmyworld]

Through the lens - Luke Hemmings imagine

Masterlist

Requests are open, send yours here!

Pairing: Luke x reader

Request: yes! By the lovely @youngblood-5sos : can you do one for Luke where you're a famous youtuber and you're filing a video together?

Here's your thing, lovely. I've had this idea in mind for a while and you reminded me of it. Hope you enjoy it lots!

Reblog if you like (support your online writers)

_________________________________________

"Ok guys, so I'll finish with breakfast and I'll see you in a bit."

You covered the lens with your hand and pressed the button to stop filming. Then you put the camera on the table, ready to finish your toasts and coffee. It was one of your favourite times of the day, getting up and having breakfast while you start filming your vlog and telling your audience how your day was going to be. You've had a YouTube channel for years, even before meeting Luke. However, once you started your relationship, the channel blew up and the subscribers stated rising quickly. Three years after, you've reached the million and a half people following you. Of course, you knew that the majority of them came because of you dating him, but others stayed when they watched your own content, from the lifestyle videos to the book recommendations and talks, your favourite to do. You'd been vlogging for a couple of months now, giving them new content and the opportunity to follow your daily life. Luke didn't use to appear much in your videos, as he spent months away from you, but when he did, you were able to give your audience —and his fans— a different perspective of his life, out from his on tour environment.

"Good morning, beautiful" a raspy voice said in your ear, distracting you from your own thoughts. You turned your head slightly to the side while your boyfriend hid his face in the crook of your neck and left a few light kisses there.

"Good morning, rockstar" you replied with a smile. When he was at home with you mornings were the best. God, you missed him like crazy when he was gone, although you were able to make quick trips to see him on tour, having him there was far better.

"I heard you talking to yourself." he said, and placed a quick kiss on your lips.

"I wasn't talking to myself" you replied and pointed to the camera.

"Good, because I thought you'd become mad" he laughed while he walked to the counter. "Oh, you made coffee," he exclaimed and poured some in a mug. "So, what's the plan for today?" He asked you and you shrugged your shoulders as you sipped from your mug. "What do you think, Piggy?" Petunia was running around his feet and he took her up in his arms. "What do you wanna do today, love?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Although the day wasn't the sunniest, you ended going to the beach and taking Petunia with you. You took a long walk there and played with your baby dog until she tired you up. You filmed some scenes, including some of Luke running and playing with her, throwing her a ball o making her run to catch him, rewarding her every time she did it. It was hilarious but also cute as hell, and even if you didn't include it in your vlog, you'd keep the videos forever for your own entertainment. You spent some time sat on the sand too, wrapped in each other's arms while you watched the ocean in front of you, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Your camera caught some silly moments between you, stupid giggles and a couple of kisses that you doubted you were going to include in the final vlog.

You went to have lunch afterwards and also filmed shortly your dishes so you could include them in the vlog, as well as a fan of you both who recognized you in the restaurant and asked for a photo, spending some minutes chatting with her. You took your camera out and started filming.

"Guys, this lovely girl is Anna" you introduced and the girl waved at the lens with flushed cheeks. "She came to say hi and she's the cutest, I swear"

"Can we adopt her?" Luke said in the background and made you both laugh. You turned the camera to him and his smiley face. "I'm serious, Y/N. Let's adopt Anna. Even Petunia loves her already!" He pointed to your dog and you mimicked his gesture with the camera to see Petunia cuddling at her feet and playing with her shoes. Another laughter invaded you all and you turned the camera off.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"We decided that we're going to answer some questions" you explained with your eyes fixed on the road. The camera was on the dashboard so it filmed both of you while you were driving back home and Luke was on the seat by your side. "I asked you an hour ago to leave some questions on my instagram, so Luke is gonna read them and we'll try to answer them."

"Okay, first question:" Luke started reading, "Are you addicted to your phones?"

"Luke is, definitely" you answered before he could say anything else. "I mean, I check my social media a few times during the day and I really like twitter at night, but Luke's all day with the freaking phone in his hand."

"That's not true" he complaint.

"It is. Next question." You ordered with a giggle.

"In a scale from 1 to 10, how the other's fashion sense?" He read and started thinking. "Well, it depends on whether she wears those shoes I hate so much," he said and you slapped his arm slightly while he laughed. "I would say... She's an 8 because of those shoes... and a 10 when she's not wearing anything at all."

"Lucas! Children friendly!" You reprimanded with a laughter. "I'd say Luke's a... 9. I'm really into this long hair, open shirts and hands full of rings thing lately."

"Okay, next. What's your favourite thing to do together? Oh that's easy, sex-"

"Luke, please!" You laughed by his side. "That's why I can't do tags with him even though you ask for them" you exclaimed exasperated to the camera. "And answering the question, I would say... going out like today and lots of cuddling." You replied, watching your boyfriend nod in response. "God, we're so cheesy." You added.

"YN, what's your favourite 5SOS song?"

"Hmmm, tough question," you though out loud while the car stopped at a red light. "I have several favourites and they change over time. I would say one from each album, but right now... Maybe Babylon." you answered.

"Just the one in which I don't sing" Luke noted and you started the car again when the light turned green with a giggle. "Ok, this girl here asks about our favourite films..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You were sat on the bed the next morning, the sunlight entering through the window as you edited your vlog from the day before. While Luke was running some errands with Calum, Petunia had decided to give you some company, lying next to you in the ruffled sheets. You didn't have to edit a lot, only a few cuts to make it shorter. You only had one more bit to add and you clicked on it to check it. At first you didn't recognise the place in which it was filmed, but a second later, you realised it was your own living room. Luke appeared on the screen and a curious expression crossed your face. You didn't remember him taking the camera at any time during the day.

"Hi" he started talking as he let himself fall onto your couch. "Y/N is already sleeping and I just saw the camera on the table and I thought that I could close the vlog today. Y/N is gonna freak out when she sees this on the editing. Hello," he waved and smiled at the camera. "I just wanted to say that I spent the most amazing day today and that I love sharing some of our lives with you." He continued, and your heart clenched a little. He never complaint about being even more public with your videos than he already was as an artist, he always supported you and your channel, encouraging to upload whatever you wanted. He could have asked you not to show him on camera, but he didn't and you never had thanked him enough for that. "I'm gonna stop talking so I don't wake up anyone. Thanks for all your lovely comments, subscribe if you're new here, follow Y/N on social media and all that stuff. Love you all. Byeeeee" he finished, and covered the lens, just as you used to do.

The smile on your face was so big when you finished watching his unexpected appearance and you were about to close the video player when the lens uncovered and he reappeared. "Hi again, love. This part is only for you." You opened your eyes in surprise, letting a small gasp escape form your mouth. Even Petunia looked at you intrigued. "Just wanted to tell you that I love you to the moon and back and that you make me a better person and my life ten times easier. Thanks for being there even when I'm not literally with you. I guess you can keep this in case you miss me and I'm not able to get your calls because of time difference sucking so... yeah." You could feel the tears pricking at your eyes at this spontaneous gesture, you couldn't believe that something so simple could make you this emotional. You could see his smile and the love in his eyes even when you saw him yawning of tiredness. "I cannot wait to turn this thing off and going to sleep by your side. You're the cutest when you sleep, by the way." You giggled again and wiped the quick tear that had fallen down your cheek. Your chest was going to explode of pure happiness and love. "Thanks for everything. I love you."

"I love you too, Luke" you whispered to the screen, still in awe. Then, you cut that bit of the video and kept it in your hard disc, and finished editing your vlog with the warmest feeling in your heart and the widest smile on your face.

[danahmbisyosangdoktora]

Here it is! My first ever blog post under my Asian Drama Blog Series. The following are the dramas I watched during the month of January 2019.

// Okay, I kinda felt the need to explain. Most of the dramas I watched this month are those of EXO Members’. As I’ve said in my 2018 Highlights, I only decided to officially spazz kpop recently and this is sorta part of it. I really wanted to watch most of the members (if not all) to somehow catch up to whatever I’ve missed when I still haven’t “stanning” as much as I can so I watched and am continually watching their dramas. //

SERIES

1) EXO NEXT DOOR Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Light plot No. of Episodes: 16 Running time: 15 minutes Genre: Web Series, Comedy, Romance Plot: 23-year-old Ji Yeon-hee is extremely shy and introverted with zero dating experience tends to blush like a tomato when talking to someone she likes. One day, four young men move into the house right next door to hers. Much to her surprise, they turn out to be Chanyeol, D.O., Baekhyun and Sehun from EXO, her favorite boy band who are trying to lay low for a while.  Thoughts: It’s like your typical boy band fanfiction that has been adapted to become a tv series. I don’t know if it’s because I watched so many dramas already or the fact that I grew up reading fanfictions or because I watched it few years after it’s hype that’s why I said this??? Had I watched this during its release, I would have been really stoked! (Probs because I’m much younger back then) But of course, I am not any less glad even though I watched it years late because it’s still like a dream come true of some sort to have seen your idols actually act as the characters in a plot that you have only been imagining or you have just read in a fan fiction. We’re talking about audio-visuals here lol.

This is actually the first drama where I saw Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Sehun act. I have watched Kyungsoo before in Pure Love and 100 Days My Prince (he’s also the main reason why I decided to finally look up and stan EXO lol) and it irks me a bit to see him do the second lead this time. Sehun was really funny here. Total maknae! I can never forget you, brotha. The series is actually short. I finished it in two nights alongside with another drama I was watching. You can totally finish this in one sitting! Finished Watching On: January 09, 2019

2) THE UNIVERSE’S STAR Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Moderate plot No. of Episodes: 6 (MBC) Running time: 30 minutes (MBC) Genre: Fantasy, Romance Plot: Byul is a 19-year-old student who has been struggling to keep up with her job to guide dead souls to the afterworld as a Grim Reaper, learned that her favorite singer Woo Joo, is expected to die soon. She decided to save him as he is the only memory that she had in her previous life before she got into the accident which caused her life.  Thoughts: It’s a little refreshing for me because I haven’t came across a fantasy plot between an idol and a fan, more so a mystic entity in this case, for quite a while. Although it’s a bit predictable (perhaps for me since I’ve read a lot of fan fics/ teen fics and watched so many dramas already or it really is predictable), I still liked how it ended and also a bit sad over its bitter-sweet ending. Finished Watching On: January 11, 2019

3) BE POSITIVE Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Very Light plot No. of Episodes: 6 Running time: 10 minutes Genre: Web Series, Romantic comedy Plot: Film major student Hwan-dong prepares for his graduation project as a movie director. He is facing a difficulty in finilizing the film due to lack of funding. Left with no choice, he asked Hye-jung, an actress of present time and alumna of his university who happened to be his ex-girlfriend to play the main role in his production. Thoughts: It’s really light but it’s understandable since it’s only a web series/ promotional series. To be honest, I only watched it since Kyungsoo is the lead role. I think it’s the perfect drama which portrayed relationships that ended without proper closure. Can relate. I like to commend this because true to its mission to “send a message of support to the younger generation”, it actually showed how we must really own up our mistakes and be mature enough to talk any misunderstandings out. Kyungsoo was really cute here huhuhu. It’s super duper short! I mean it’s only an hour!!! I seriously finished this in one sitting. Finished Watching On: January 12, 2019

4) STRONG GIRL BONG-SOON Rating: ★★★ ★ ☆ | Moderate plot No. of Episodes: 16 + 1 (Special) Running time: 70 minutes Genre: Fantasy, Thriller, Action, Romantic comedy Plot: Born with superhuman strength,  Do Bong-soon dreams of creating a video game with the main heroine as herself. Her strength is hereditary and passed along only to the women in her family. She is desperately trying her best to become a willowy and elegant woman to meet the ideal type of her long-term crush, In Guk-doo, a police officer. Due to her strength, she was scouted to be the bodyguard of Ahn Min-hyuk, a rich heir and the CEO of a gaming company who recently received anonymous threats, blackmails and a series of stalking.

One day, a series of kidnapping cases break in Dobong-dong, the district Bong-soon lives in. After her friend was targeted, she became determined to catch the culprit. As they try to find the suspect, the three found themselves in a love triangle. Thoughts: What’s there to say aside from it being super good? It’s a mixture of suspense, romance and cuteness. The romance isn’t annoying at all. I really liked how the kidnapping case added so much spice to the plot and how after all the ruckus it all went down to family being your major strength.  Finished Watching On: January 18, 2019

5) TERIUS BEHIND ME Rating: ★★★☆☆  | Moderate plot No. of Episodes: 32 Running time:  35 minutes each / 2 episodes per day Genre: Romantic-Comedy, Mystery Plot: Go Ae-Rin suddenly loses her husband. A mysterious man, Kim Bon, lives next door. Kim Bon is a legendary NIS agent. He was involved in a failed secret operation wherein the woman he loved died three years ago. He has since become disconnected with the world and decided to live alone quietly. He helps his neighbor Go Ae-Rin uncover a conspiracy which her husband got involved with. Thoughts: Watched this because of a trailer I came across on Facebook and So Ji-sub!!! This has been on my list since last year and I only got the chance to watch it this month. It’s a breather from my usual teen fictions so I was hooked. Super Ioved the twins, they were super cute. I especially enjoyed the part where they had to deal with the bioterrorism coz I can 10/10 relate, my Microbiolog(ist)y heart was very happy and was very amazed to at least see it be executed/ planned even if it’s just on screen. It’s not the most perfect spy series but it’s enough for me (or because I never really watch spy shows). The traitor in the ending (a supposedly plot twist) wasn’t very surprising to me... not sure if it’s predictable or because I have watched so many dramas already that I did predict who’s who already.  Finished Watching On: January 24, 2019

6) SEVEN FIRST KISSES Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Light plot No. of Episodes: 8 Running time: 9-12 mins Genre: Romance, Comedy Plot: Lotte Duty Free store employee Min Soo-jin has never been in a relationship before. One day, she meets with the goddess of date who grants her an attempt to pick the perfect partner for her first kiss among seven men. Her options are firstly, a religious tech billionaire (Lee Joon-gi), a serious yet romantic boss (Park Hae-jin), a sexy secret agent (Ji Chang-wook), an adorable younger male friend (Kai), an innocent chaebol heir (Ok Taec-yeon), a beloved k-idol (Lee Jong-suk) and finally a free-spirited travel writer (Lee Min-ho). Thoughts: Bukod pala sa babaeng lahat. Charot! I have watched this during its release but I failed to catch up with every episodes. It’s only now that I decided to watch it as a whole again. Watched this after finishing Memories of the Alhambra as a rebound/ to ease my broken heart. It’s super light, tamang kilig and fantasize sa oppas. Literally watched in one sitting. Finished Watching On: January 28, 2019

7) SECRET QUEEN MAKERS Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Light plot No. of Episodes: 7 Running time: 15 mins Genre: Romance, Comedy Plot: A travel agent who lacks confidence in her appearance finds her hidden beauty with the help of six men she met at Lotte Duty Free stores. Thoughts: Watched this because of Chanyeol and Sehun!!! I only knew it was also a short series the moment I decided to watch it so I also ended it in one sitting. Dunno what to say other than it was cute and fun and short. I suck at reviews but this is another usual fan fiction I have read huhu but ofc, I love that I have seen it with my eyes than just imagining it. Finished Watching On: January 28, 2019

8) MEMORIES OF THE ALHAMBRA  Rating: ★★★★☆ | Heavy plot No. of Episodes: 16 Running time: 65 minutes Genre: Fantasy, Suspense, Sci-fi, Romance, Melodrama Plot:  After receiving an email regarding a groundbreaking AR game about medieval battles in Alhambra, Yoo Jin-woo, CEO of an investment company that specializes in optical devices, travels to Granada, Spain to meet the creator of the game, Jung Se-joo. However, Se-joo is missing and there, he meets his sister Jung Hee-joo, owner of the hostel he stays in and a former guitarist. Both get entangled in a mysterious incident and the border between the real world and the AR world built by Se-joo begins to blur. © Thoughts: Watched this while it’s on-going. 11/10 would recommend!!!! At first, I felt like it has the same vibe as W and got super amazed then I only learned mid-drama that both drama were written by one writer that’s why they have the same vibes. Super crazy plot! I honestly couldn't quite catch what’s going on in the first few episodes, I thought I was going stupid and going crazy myself but got a hang of it din later on. Super genius! Everything is astounding... except the ending. LOL I’M SO MAD!!!!

I decided to delay watching the finale for a week to “emotionally prepare” myself but I never thought I would be betrayed like this??? Had I known, I would have prepared for a month. Have already watched tons and been watching kdramas for several years already, I shouldn't be surprised and disappointed to open-ended stories anymore BUT I AM!!!???!!! So proud of Chanyeol here and my girl, PSH, still never disappoints! Finished Watching On: January 28, 2019

MOVIES Never a fan of watching movies but for EXO, I watched them loooool

1) SO I MARRIED AN ANTI-FAN Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Light plot Genre: Comedy, Romance Plot:  Top star Hoo Joon ended up living together with his anti-fan reporter Lee Geun-young. Thoughts: Literally a fan fiction ripped straight off of Wattpad... charot! Not sure which came first but that’s what it was for me. Not that I don’t like it... again, it’s a dream come true to have seen my favorite idol actually act as the character I have only imagined before but I read a fanfic with the same plot before I watched this. Watched on: January 05, 2019

2) HYEONG/ MY ANNOYING BROTHER Rating: ★★★★★ | Light plot Genre: Comedy, Drama Plot:   All thanks to  Doo-Young, his younger brother, Doo-Sik was granted a parole from prison. Doo-Young is a then promising judo athlete but got involved in an accident before the selection for the national team which made him lose not only his break but his eyesight as well. After 15 years, Doo-Sik (Jo Jung-suk) suddenly appears in front of Doo-Young and they begin to live together. Thoughts: Of course, watched this because of my bias Kyungsoooooooo. Seriously this guy knows how to tickle your lacrimal glands and make you cry. Almost all of his movies were tear-jerker!!!! I felt super proud of him here. He literally pulled it off #nobias. It’s super relatable especially because it tackles about sibling-hood. Watched on: January 26, 2019

3) SO YOUNG 2: NEVER GONE Rating: ★★☆☆☆ | Light plot Genre: Drama, Romance Plot: A wealthy young man pursues a young woman of modest means, but circumstances often separate them as the years pass. ©  Thoughts: The movie was said to be an adaptation of a novel. Honestly, I didn't clearly get the plot in whole? I was confused what happened in the end. Not sure if it’s because it’s poorly shown or the fact that maybe the Chinese characters that were flashed (which I can’t transcribe) held a significant role that’s why I didn't understand the ending. I saw a clip on Facebook and it seemed interesting + it’s Yi Fan’s movie which lead me to watch it. I had to search for reviews and summaries in hopes of finding enlightenment about the ending but I haven’t found any which clearly explains what happened. About the characters, I had to say that the relationship was kind of toxic and they were really immature, I’m so mad! (says the mature one lol)  Watched on: January 27, 2019 Soooo that’s it. Please understand that these are all based on my personal opinion. I am in no way a professional in making reviews. I’m just a plain nobody who loves watching asian dramas. The way I see a plot (as a light or as a heavy one) may be different from others and the ratings I gave could be different from anyone else as well. Most importantly, your thoughts might differ to mine so you do you. I hope I was able to help you find what to binge next!

[littleogreboii]

Late night trans boy thoughts

I say late night, it’s like 21:40 here. I’m kind of in the middle of a breakdown atm. My psychology exam went bad on Monday. I don’t have any more school lessons ever, which my brain is still like ‘what’ over. And, I’m meant to have emailed both my photography and art teacher stuff. Also, was meant to put up my stuff for the photography exhibition today, but didn’t. And, my cat has a cut on his head which is stressing me out. So, I’m kind of shakey atm.

To top it all off, my dysphoria is acting up, which is bizarre because I literally felt alright about it earlier. I walked past a kid earlier with my bike and they were like “why is he-” and I wanted to cry. I assume they were going to ask “why is he walking his bike?” but didn’t get to the end of the sentence before one of their siblings shut them up, but I was super happy. (Also, I was walking because stressed out me thought cycling with a binder on was a great idea. It wasn’t, but that’s more because my knees gave up on me.) My dysphoria obviously doesn’t care though because it’s here telling me that one of the siblings probably ‘corrected’ them. Which sucks. 

While, I’m suffering though and as an outlet I thought ‘let’s make a tumblr post’ because watching videos of twinfools transitioning isn’t helping. However, I’m quickly running out of things to say and I’m still shakey.

Well, let’s do story time because that’s always a fun time. Yeah, we’ll do the story of me realising I’m trans to present day.

We need to go back about 2 and a half years for this. This was when gender identity was becoming a big subject in my school, especially when one my classmates came out as trans. At that point, I began thinking about it and my brain began pointing out certain scenarios and feelings. I thought about how as a kid, I’d wanted to be ‘one of the lads’. Like the boys would ritualistically play football and I would always join them. There were other girls that would join in, but I didn’t really interact with them. I just wanted to appear like one of the lads. 

However, even back then it was pretty clear that I wasn’t one of the ‘lads’. I hit puberty pretty early. By the age of about 10, I had started my period and my boobs had begun to develop. I never really liked having boobs. I’ve always viewed them as kind of an irritation, although I’ve appreciated them on girls.

Anyway, at this point, my brain presented the pronouns ‘he/him’ to me and I waved them off. I thought there was no way and my toxic masculinity took over with ‘but you wear skirts and makeup’ and stuff like that. Instead, I went by they/them pronouns for a few months with some of my close friends. However, they never sat right. They made me squirm and I didn’t like that. But, I knew I wasn’t a fan of feminine pronouns either. I pushed through this for about 3/4 of a year, before deciding enough was enough.

I cut my hair short and you know you have people who are like ‘oh you’ll regret that’. I never have. I love my short hair. It highlights my jaw and makes my shoulders stand out. Before, my hair was so thick it was like the width of my shoulders so I looked strange.

Again, my brain was like ‘he/him’??? But, I was now determined to prove how ‘feminine’ I was. I went through a solid 3 months wearing as much makeup as possible and wearing skirts and dresses all the time. I would wear low cut clothing to show off my boobs, and I was so miserable. I hated every minute of those months. I hit such a low point and I just wanted to die.

I don’t remember how, but I stumbled upon gc2b’s website and in a final last ditch attempt, I ordered a binder. I figured, it would arrive and I would try it on and hate it, putting an end to all my affairs. It didn’t. I tried that binder on and I cried because I loved it. My chest looked so good and I tried on so many different shirts from my wardrobe in awe. There was no turning back for me. I didn’t tell anyone. 

I’m still not entirely out, but that’s mainly because I’m at the end of school so I might as well go in with a fresh start at uni. I’m in the process of telling all my close friends, but most of them I’ve been friends with since I was 6 so it’s difficult. However, they’re good people so I’m not stressed about that side of it. My family are the more stressful side to it. My relationship with my dad is very strained, like I hardly speak with him as he had an affair a couple years ago and it was a bit of a messy divorce. I think my mum would be accepting, but I think she wouldn’t really know how to deal with it. That and she would probably end up outing me to virtually everyone, before I was ready. I’m not worried about my siblings and I know most of my cousins would be chill. My biggest concern is my nan. I love her so much and the idea of her not accepting me hurts. My other grandparents, I know, probably won’t accept me straight away, but I think after talking it other with them over a period of time, they might at least be able to bear it. I don’t even want to think about my aunts and uncles. Most of them are assholes or drunks. One of them is a well-meaning homophobe. Like he doesn’t get it, but he accepts that he’s probably just old-fashioned and has asked my opinion on homosexuals on different occasions. So, I think he’d be alright with it if I explained it well enough. 

I think my biggest issue with most of them though is toxic masculinity. I still occasionally wear dresses because I like the swish-swish feel. I don’t own many anymore though because straight after I accepted I was trans, I got rid of nearly all my ‘feminine styled’ clothes. I kept a couple skirts I’d brought during my ‘I MUST BE A GIRL’ phase, but that’s because I’d brought them so recently, my mum would be like ‘wtf these are pretty much new’. However, those skirts were all pencil and I don’t like the way they accentuate my hips. But, I still occasionally buy a dress and I sometimes sit in my prom dress. These don’t really bring attention to my chest or hips, so I like them. Well, the prom dress does, but I only really wear that to twirl around for a bit because it feels great. Honestly, if you’ve never worn a dress, 10/10 recommend if only for the twirl effect. I still wear makeup too. I never really wore makeup to look ‘pretty’. I wore it to see how funky I could do it. Like seeing how wild I can go with the eye shadow.

The thing with realising your gender though, is you’re more aware of your dysphoria. Before, it was a mild ‘get rid of your boobies’. Now, it’s ‘your tits bounce when you walk and everyone can see it happening’ whenever I don’t have a binder on and ‘its not really flat though is it’ when I do have my binder on. As well as, ‘your voice is too high pitched, you write too feminine, and your hips sway too much when you walk’. These are combat-able though. Like I’ll be like ‘not every guy has a deep voice’ and I’ll remind myself of the female dance teacher I had as a kid who had a really deep voice. The ‘writing too feminine’ one is harder because this was something a friend told me. Like he straight up said he didn’t entirely believe I was trans because of the way I wrote (messages and stories). (We’re on better terms now. I explained to him that he hasn’t met every trans guy in existence and my gender is personal to me. He’s apologised and in his own twisted way he was looking out for me because he knows someone who started meds before realising that it wasn’t what they wanted. He also got me talking to one of his genderfluid friends for advice on dysphoria and stuff like that. He just struggled for a bit because his hetero ass had a big crush on me, but he knows that’s his problem to solve.) His words do still occasionally affect me though. I’m constantly reminding myself that writing has no gender. Instead, it is determined by age and exposure to tumblr.

Realising I was trans wasn’t all bad though. I would get romantic attractions to people, but I could never really picture doing anything with them. And, now I understand why. I thought I was asexual for the longest time and I still have yet to change that in my bio, but I know why now. And, I mean some of it is that I’m still maturing and simply not ready for that level of commitment, but a lot of it was due to me realising what’s downstairs ain’t right.

This is my experience so far and I’m a long way away from being anywhere near content. However, typing this has actually calmed my dysphoria a little bit. Although, I’m still no closer to doing that work for art or photography.

[whirlybirbs]

studying.

pairing: college!peter x reader rating: all audiences welcome to this fluff what to listen to: roll up by fitz & the tantrums a/n: for the anons who gave me some ideas, here is the start of a potential series? or, as i would say, peter crushes on his TA.

After months of applications and tours and accepted student days, Peter had finally settled on MIT.

(It had helped that Tony had written his recommendation letter. A lot.)

September brings a new leaf.

Peter trades in the hustle and bustle for NYC for that of Boston. It is less shiny, less new. He likes it though; likes the cobblestone, the spirit, the history and the rhythmic rattle of the T under the Kendell stop. The late summer breeze is crisp as Peter shrugs his hoodie on, bagel dangling from his mouth as he chews and launches himself up the steps towards the quad.

His sense are in a haywire; it is the new environment. His sunglasses are maybe a little darker than they should be.

A week ago, his phone had been buzzing with kissy emoji from Aunt May, a good luck text from Tony and of course Ned -- his friend had settled in only a few T stops away at Harvard. The first day of classes had come and gone, bringing it with it an overwhelming sense of belonging. For once, Peter didn’t feel like an outlier.

The only text Peter is paying attention to this morning is yours, though.

pls help me study for my bio quiz later, peter, i am begging u

It makes him laugh. Peter grins, dimples digging in a little bit as he settles into a quick pace. Strawberry converse beat against the jagged cobblestone.

I mean, he wasn’t going to lie to himself -- you were, like, gorgeous. And funny. And you thought it was cool that he’d binged the entirety of Jason Todd and the Outlaws in one night. The fact that you’d excitedly added him on Facebook last Friday after class was enough; he’d messaged you, asking if avoiding the chicken at McCormick was a smart move.

You were a sophomore. You knew the ropes. Peter is totally using it as an excuse.

it’s literally the second week??? who is giving quizzes already??? who’s THAT evil???

You’re laughing, crossing the quad on the opposite side of campus when you get his texts.

It was only happenstance you two started to become friends. His first class, an 8:30am entry-level history course run by Professor Frankfurt (which was really just one big Captain America fanboy session) happened to be the class you’d decided to TA for -- and in turn, the class you’d first met Peter in. Forced to sit front row after arriving late -- he’d had trouble finding the Tang Auditorium -- he ended up being the one to sit next to you.

He was wearing a Saint Motel t-shirt. You’d stopped him after class, nervously chirping your admiration of that particular album. He’d stuttered in surprise. You were a little mortified, mostly since you had realize how pretty he was. He had big brown eyes and dimples. Dimples.

From that point forward, it was like you couldn’t escape him. He joined the Broadcasting club -- and you’d laughed out loud when he walked through the door wearing a different Saint Motel t-shirt. Comic Roundtable wasn’t safe either, as Peter Parker had suddenly become the fresh face among the small club of eight. It truly culminated when you realized Peter had taken up residency on Danny’s floor -- the R.A. was a fellow Anthropology major, and one of your closest friends.

So, yeah, texting him and asking for help on a Gen Ed Bio course quiz was kind of pushing it. You wanted to hate Peter, honestly -- as a freshman he’d already met a handful of prerequisites through his famed Stark Internship, working his way through a good half of the first year Computer Science and Molecular Biology course load. The air at MIT was competitive, but for some reason Peter didn’t feed into it. You felt okay admitting a fault.

It wasn’t like you were going to go to Academic Computing. They’d definitely roast you for not understanding cell structure and osmosis and all that other shit. You were an Anthropology and American History double major for god’s sake. You didn’t need that stuff in your brain. You needed room for other things.

So, you text Peter back.

it’s prof steck. don’t play urself. stay away from her. but is that a yes??? bc if it is i’ll swipe for u at baker!!!

Peter’s slipping through the auditorium doors when he texts you back.

Your phone buzzes on your desk, and you laugh a little when you read the message.

only if u buy me mozzerella stix!!!!

He shoulders you as he sits down. The touch is enough to light up Peter’s nervous system; he ignores the happy tingle that creeps up his back.

The stack of graded papers is jostled a bit by the movement -- Frankfurt had done an assessment on Wednesday, intending to get a gage for what he was working with in the class. So much for syllabus week. You, of course, had been tasked with grading. Not that you minded, though, it had distracted you from asking Peter to come out with you on Saturday night.

“You know,” you chirp, “Baker has make your own stir fry tonight...”

“No way!” Peter’s voice clips a bit, high and excited, “Then forget the fried cheese sticks, buy me stir fry.”

“Only if you don’t make fun of me,” you hum, rolling your eyes a little, “This quiz on is the simple stuff and I don’t know why, I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” Peter chides, settling back in his seat. His fingers dance across the trackpad of his laptop, waking it up, “Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.”

You deadpan.

Peter grins. It’s toothy.

“Is that what the Stark Internship taught you?”

His laugh is boyish. Those dimples are back. Your chest caves a bit, face hot with a gooey expression. What the hell is wrong with you? Going gaga over a freshman?

“Naw, memes taught me that one.”

“Oh,” you wave your hands as Professor Frankfurt throws himself into the auditorium in a huff, “Even better.”

You’re both silenced into a hush as the rest of the first year class follows suit. Professor Frankfurt calls roll. Your name is called after Peter’s. You hand out the exams, and then sit beside Peter for the rest of the class, basking in the warm glow of his semi-permanent smile.

“You know it’s not a date, right?”

Your roommate has her fists halfway into a family sized bag of doritos. Netflix glows from the top bunk. You’re fixing your hair in the mirror hanging on the door.

“I know, but,” you sigh, “He’s cute.”

“He’s a freshman,” she waves as The Office drones on, “He’s fresh meat -- dead in the water. That’s social suicide, you know. At least wait until after Rush Week.”

“Peter doesn’t seem like the fraternity type.”

“Yikes.”

“That’s not a bad thing!” you huff, tugging your hair up and away, “Seriously, there’s a reason why you keep getting your heart broken by dumb boys.”

“Is it because I have an affinity for beefy rich assholes named Brad?”

“That’ll do it, honestly.”

“Fair enough,” she tosses a grin your way, “Good luck on your dinner date with Peter.”

“It’s not a date!”

--

It’s not a date.

Totally not?

Why is he so nervous?

Oh god, his hands are sweating.

“I’ll have the sweet and tangy sauce, please.”

The box of stir fry is handed to him -- you’re already digging in with a goofy grin on your face. You much on the lo mein noodles happily. You’re covering your own nervousness well. Thank god for deodorant because Peter has you sweating -- literally. It had climbed into the high 70s by late afternoon, leaving Parker in a t-shirt that seemed too tight to be legal and a pair of shorts. He was tan. And he had freckles. Everywhere.

Your hair is swept into hazy curls by the late summer heat. Peter watches the curls along the back of your neck as you both work your way through the check out in the dining hall.

You both make your way to the Hayden Library, strides slow. The sky looks gold, and the clouds glow in the deep blue of the September evening. Traffic drums on, but you both are locked into conversation. Nothing is breaking it -- not even the wave of friends across the street.

“So, New York, huh?”

“Yeah,” he laughs, taking a bite from his takeout container, “My Aunt told me that if I ever went to a Red Sox game, she’d murder me in cold blood.”

“Yikes,” you chatter, “You’re missing out -- I mean, no Big Papi anymore, but Hanley Ramirez is a big deal. Be a shame if you never saw him play in Boston.”

“Are you trying to convince me to go to a Red Sox game?” Peter’s voice hitches, “Because that’s not happening.”

“C’mon, the Yankees suck,” your smile is challenging and Peter laugh as you take a few steps ahead, turning around to watch him as you skip backwards, “Turn to the dark side, Peter! It’s more fun! We have a green monster.”

“I think I’d rather take the Hulk, honestly.”

“Me too,” you wink, “Bruce Banner is an absolute babe.”

Peter laughs at that -- loud and rowdy in the late summer heat. It’s intoxicating.

Your takeaway boxes have been abandoned, licked clean, in favor of a biology textbook and notepads. Though, it wasn’t a welcome abandonment. You wanted to pull your hair out. It showed.

Your lips are pulled into a pout. Peter watches your brows screw together. The study room is filled with the chatter of a Bio101 Youtube video he’d pulled up, hoping to explain osmosis and semipermeable membranes and the importance of saline.

“See?” Peter’s pen taps the screen, “From high to low!”

“Always?”

“Always.”

“Sounds fake,” you hum, mushing your cheeks together as you lean on the wooden table, “But okay.”

“It’s not fake! It’s science.”

“So,” you lean back, waving your fingers, “... magic?”

“Basically,” Peter shrugs, “My formal title after grad school will be Wizard.”

“I want to be a wizard.”

“Then --”

“And make this whole quiz disappear.”

Peter drops his head into his hands, laughing softly as he rubs his brows together. You were getting it, albeit slowly. He couldn’t say he really minded losing his Monday night to you -- in fact, he found himself enjoying this a little bit too much. Your knee brushes his under the table as you shift, eyes drawn back to the video.

His skin tingles. Hot and prickly.

“How about one more hour of studying?”

“Thank god,” you whisper, “I can do that.”

“Power hour?”

“Power hour.”

He walks you back to your dorm.

Even though it’s in the opposite direction of his.

“I hope I helped,” he sighs, “Even if it’s a little bit?”

“You helped a lot -- seriously, I think I’m a wizard now.”

You blossom with pride as he giggles, eyes screwing shut as his head falls backwards. His converse scuff against the pavement as he shoves his fingers into his pockets. Peter glows under pinks and yellows of the streetlights. It’s cute. You wind your own fingers together, toeing the ground.

There’s a weighted pause between you both. Brown eyes burrow into your own.

It’s broken by the door to your dorm swinging open and a group of guys bustling by. It prompts you both to laugh again.

“I’ll see you on Wednesday, then?”

“Yeah! And, uh, I’ll let you know how I do on my quiz!”

“Make me proud!”

He waves, you wave, and you swear it’s the warmest you’ve ever felt.