#stupid doctor asked if I was exercising and dieting right

[dandelion-system]

Went to see the doctor for a refferal to the pain clinic today!

She kept on telling me how she’d just been on a short online course all about pain, and how chronic pain was like a fire alarm going off with no fire (false pain, essentially.) the pain clinic she wanted to refer me to was essentially just a group of people having mediocre therapy and not being diagnosed with anything or given any help.

So, anyway, I’m glad I took my mum with me because she said that at this point she’ll probably just go private. If the nhs won’t investigate why I’m in chronic pain and want to pat me on the head and turn me away, we can deal with it ourselves.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

hey! so i hope this isn’t too creepy/nosey, but im a medical student and i was reading your possible fibromyalgia post and have a couple ideas lol. full important disclaimer that im only partly into my studies and im currently in the hypochondriac phase and also your summary was amazing but a real doc would ask way more questions, so please consult with an actual doc and take everything i say with a grain of salt! but like your symptoms aren’t nothing so i would def encourage finding a doc that you trust to do a proper exam and run some tests. also im operating under the assumption that you’re under 50 lol, bc if you’re over 50ish that’s a whole diff list of possible diagnoses.

so the thirst thing you’re talking about is often called polydipsia and is commonly associated with diabetes insipidus. that’s not the normal diabetes you think about, but happens when your body can’t regulate fluids in your body properly. id think of this if you’re also peeing a lot lol. your doc would have to do some kidney tests for that, which wouldn’t be part of the blood panel you mentioned. i’m a little skeptical that it’s hypokalemia bc that would’ve showed up on your blood test results. it could be transient electrolyte imbalances when you exercise so have one of those electrolyte packets when you exercise lol, bc it never hurts to try the easy solutions first, but chronic low potassium should’ve shown up? tho eating sweet potatoes has never hurt.

other things it could be is a lower motor neuron problem bc you mentioned twitches and muscle weakness which is typical for those. i def can’t say more without tests, but look into/get your doc to look into myasthenia gravis or LEMS and see if either of those fit. i think it’s possible bc these often also start with face/upper body symptoms, but would need way more questions/tests to know. it’s unlikely but could also be a glycogen storage disease called McArdle disease bc you describe a second wind thing when you exercise along with exercise intolerance. that’s super rare tho so it’s unlikely unless someone in your family has it/has similar symptoms.

also look into autoimmune stuff like rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and sjögrens disease. i have way less useful info on that bc we haven’t gotten to it in class yet lol, but sjögrens looks promising bc you often get dry mouth with it, and it often goes along with rheumatoid arthritis which could explain the joint stuff possibly.

it’s also totally possible this is fibromyalgia, but i would be cautious diagnosing it bc it often comes with fatigue and cognitive stuff which you didn’t mention. it’s also more of a pain thing, and doesn’t include your twitches/dry mouth. it’s def possible, and it was def something i thought of when i saw your symptoms, but personally i would want to rule out other stuff first bc fibromyalgia is pretty vague and often a diagnosis of exclusion when other things don’t fit.

sorry for overwhelming you!! i just saw your post and was like hmmm those symptoms sound like Something. again take my advice with a big grain of salt, but i do really think it’s worth asking your doc about it and getting tests done, bc even if there aren’t cures there are def treatments to help with a bunch of this stuff. it doesn’t sound urgent, but at least from your post your symptoms don’t sound like run of the mill aches and pains. hope you figure stuff out!!

The problem with 'muscles don't work right ouchy and I am also tired' is that it's a symptom for Absolutely Everything That Can Be Wrong With The Body. Is it cancer? Is it a terrible diet and sleep schedule? Who knows!

The doctor ran a diabetes test with the blood panel and it came up negative, but I don't know if that checks for weird kinds of diabetes. (Diabetes does not run in my family until we get very old.) That test was memorable because I have stupid fragile veins that freak out and collapse at the mere sight of a needle so I had to get stabbed nine times, they didn't manage to get the middle reading at all, and in the end they resorted to just stabbing my thumb with one of those diabetes home blood test thingies and manually squeezing my blood out into a tube drop by drop.

I looked up polydipsia and I don't think I have that. I think I just prefer my mouth to be wetter than my salival glands want it to be. 🤷‍♀️I think most of my problems are probably not related to any rare chronic disease, but just run-of-the-mill autism making it hard to look after myself or properly notice and process my physical condition and adapt accordingly. I don't eat enough fresh foods because it's hard to plan with the very short timeframe to prepare and eat them in. I'm uncoordinated and damage my body a lot through overwork or using muscles incorrectly because autism makes it hard to keep track of those things. My mouth feels dry and my skin feels itchy and my muscles feel sore because that's what being autistic feels like. My sleep schedule is garbage because my executive function is garbage and even once I do manage to get myself into the bed I can't just "go to sleep", I pass out when I'm ready to pass out.

I'm not saying it's impossible for anything else to be going on, but I think the known factor is the simplest explanation here. It's 2:30pm and I've been putting off breakfast for five hours. Every time I go into the kitchen I get distracted by housework instead. I am very hungry. This is not behaviour that is conducive to a well-functioning body.

[scientia-rex]

I am so incredibly grateful for your posts about diets, weight loss and co. - they have been incredibly educational for me! Sadly, I often run into these very prejudices when I go to see a doctor, because they only focus on my appearance/weight. Do you have any advice how people with a higher weight can approach a doctor's appointment/examination?

(In the past, I have tried to explain things to my doctors with the findings of the very studies you linked to, only to be met with "what, you a doctor now?" or "you are looking for excuses" by medical professionals, and my history with anorexia has also been dismissed because I don't look the type. So this is a very stressful topic for me and for many others, and I'd love to hear your opinion/advice on this matter.)

I hope you are having a wonderful day!

Broken record is usually the best approach. “Okay, but what else could we do?”

“What would you recommend to a thin patient?”

“What other options do we have?”

“I can try eating healthy and exercising, but those changes can take time. What can we do that might have results sooner?” (Does not matter if you already eat right and exercise)

If you can ask the same question in enough ways, eventually they will get so sick of you they’ll do anything to make you go away. Polite, persistent, and stupid: it’s my strategy for dealing with insurance companies and customer service reps on the phone.

[piskinkk]

just remembered the reason i hate going to my russian pediatrician so much.

it’s not because of the shots or the vaccines.

it because of the stupid, rude, unethical shit she says. she is beyond unprofessional.

first, she started off with showing me a graph of my weight history. ofc i gained. i knew that already. i wanted to say please don’t, and i will next time for sure.

but she has been saying that i was overweight even when i was 125 pounds. what a joke…

she started to shame me for the amount of gain i weight, saying that it is literally unacceptable. what the fuck.

and then she spent 10 minutes brainwashing my dad about my brother’s diet, WHILE MY BROTHER IS STILL IN THE SAME ROOM HEARING ALL OF THAT.

thats fucking ridiculous. i don’t want my brother to have an eating disorder and regret every single thing he eats.

and ofc, my dad being my dad, he took everything she said very seriously and thought the tone she said it in was completely fine 👍🏻 but that’s because he is crazy about dieting and probably has an eating disorder too. he has been trying to lose weight his entire life…

then she started brainwashing me. and me being me, i took everything with a HUGE grain of salt. in fact, i didn’t listen to anything. i slowly blinked to everything she said, simply to show her that i disagree, but i’ll let her speak her stupid “doctor” formalities to me.

i’ve started to eat better and exercise. it’s never enough for her. it makes me wonder, maybe SHE has some kind of problem with her weight; so she just projects it on her patients…

anyways, i told her i probably have some kind of mental issue and that i was bullied for my weight. i didn’t want to sound like i’m self diagnosing, but honestly - i’m pretty sure i have an eating disorder. i overeat and then regret and then do it all again - is that not enough evidence? i hate myself and i have just started to feel a little more pretty and confident about my body but she just single-handedly destroyed it all.

any efforts i’ve been making to feel better about my gain weight - all just went down the drain.

she told me that i am of course “very beautiful” and would basically be even more beautiful if i lost weight.

im sure that isn’t all of the insensitive things she said to me. i’m sure there is more that i am probably so desensitized to.

she also said that she has had the same issue her whole life and still does.

no you do not. if you did - you would never be so unprofessional and rude about diets and overall weight gain. because you would understand exactly how it feels when someone, especially a professional, speaks of your weight gain in such a demeaning, degrading way.

and then to end it off, the nurse opened the door wide open while i was changing so everyone saw my huge tits in my black lacy bra 👍🏻 and i literally caught this other guy my age looking right at my chest 🥳👍🏻

i had to hold my tears the entire appointment.

and even my fucking dad kept making it worse. he just said the same exact things she said to me.

when i asked him to stay with me when getting my vaccine because i was a little scared he shamed me and embarrassed me and said i’m 18 - i shouldn’t have to ask him to do that.

even the nurse was like - it’s okay, she just doesn’t like it.

EVEN THE NURSE UNDERSTANDS THE STUPID IRRATIONAL FEARS. YEAH ITS SILLY BUT I HATE SHOTS. WHY CANF U J BE HERE?

god, is there just anyone in my family or surroundings that isn’t a blunt fucking asshole? beside my mom, is there anyone who is not rude and understands that you cannot be so straight up mean with certain things when talking to other people? anyone that understands that we all have our sensitive topics?

[two-bit-socrates]

I'm surprised how angry this post made me discussing Fatphobia in such passive language and some of the responses are as bad

Fatphobia is So Much more violent than its been illustrated here

First and foremost anti-fat is anti-Black and this is not at all a new subject but the link I just shared dives into it.

I need you to understand that being Fat Fat more often than not gets you systemically killed and not just by the medical industry.

I do "procrastinate" going to a doctor - I'm trying not to die because it's not just numbers on a sheet that insurance companies write your problems off as a lost cause but the hostility of some doctor's themselves and some who put profit over patients.

I got diagnosed with diabetes at 27. Im Fat fat. You wanna know what my life was like leading up to that point?

Child abuse and neglect, restrictions of food by people who where suppose to care for me but told me to my face from 6 years old until 20 how DISGUSTING and LAZY and STUPID and GREEDY I was for being fat.

I lived with locked fridges and cupboards for half my life.

I once got beat for trying to feed some friends ramen being accused of giving away THEIR property for me to steal from my friends later.

Ramen

Before my preteens I'd only get one to two 'meals' a day if I exercised enough - some of those meals were just a plain piece of toast if I didn't do 50 sit ups and push ups correctly in my primary abusers karate class because I made his business look bad by being there, against my will, while being fat. Literally screamed at in front of other kids for being a failure for being fat.

Most food I ate I had to steal so fuck yea I binged - and yet no one noticed the food disappearing because they assumed I was too stupid to know how to break into locked fridges and cupboards and in the tare event I was caught they blamed each other for leaving these things unlocked

For most of my teen and early adult years I was known as 'The kid who walks everywhere' but no one thought to ask why but first thing out of their ignorant mouths was 'YOU MUST EAT SO MUCH TO STILL BE SO FAT FOR AS MUCH AS I SEE YOU WALKING!'

School administrators knew I was being abused, hell some went to school with my abusers and know exactly what they were like.

I would walk everywhere for hours just to avoid going home when they were awake

I developed insomnia because of how often the primary one would break down my door when I was asleep to scream at me because he thought I was eating something. I never hid food in my room because I knew never to try to steal and eat food if I couldn't track where he was.

I have so many issues that I had to learn to live with and treat. The least stressful of them all is the fucking diabetes.

That's just the fatphobic violence of my childhood.

Violently fatphobic doctors are a personal hell when trying to navigate the violently fatphobic medical industry.

I have food sensitivities that cause me extreme pain and illness if ingested. Explained this to one of the first of many doctors I visited as a newly diagnosed diabetic and her response was to eat some of these foods as part of my diet so I could get the necessary carbs for my diabetic management so I could lose weight. Medically encouraged bulimia.

I could go on. I've got 11 years of medical trauma I could post here.

I'll tell you something though. I've known 10 diabetics in my life - only 2 of them were as fat as me with equally violently fatphobic childhood abuse issues. The others are skinny, real skinny, also hard childhoods of different kinds but none nearly as fat as me and the other two.

You don't need to learn fat acceptance, you need to wake up to the systemic violence towards fat people as part of the ongoing systemic violence of white supremacy in the u.s. and how it fucking kills Black and other minorities at an alarming number in this place right along with everyone else while holding up Black people and lying about how they brought this violence on themselves.

I'm going to eat a sandwich.

Also for anyone who wants to post about 'gentle reminders' of not spreading medical misinformation - go work on your fucking reading comprehension and process how you're contributing to the on going violence towards fat people.

Don't sugar coat this really dig deep into how extremely fucked this is.

Everyone knows it's that time of year when many people feel compelled to set goals to alter their body and restrict their food. The pressure to be thin is everywhere---it's the water we swim in. If you want to take care of your body, I hope this is the year you learn more about weight-neutral approaches to health! The Health At Every Size movement and books by fat activist Aubrey Gordon are great places to start!

[notanotherreidgirl]

I just had an idea based on my recent health experience: What if Spence had to wear a Holter for 24 or 72 hours to measure his heart's activity (maybe as part of the FBIs health checks) ? And he has to take notes of everything he does so that they can match it with the information collected so he cannot have sex or masturbate unless he's willing to justify his increased heart activity to a team of doctors. So, reader being reader, decides to drive him nuts, teasing him again and again because she knows he can't do anything about it. (Does he end up cumming in his pants because he's trying so hard not to touch himself and increase his heart rate?) ☺️🥰

Love ya! Have a great day!

Let's Get Physical

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+, edging, blowjob, grinding, coming in pants

Word Count: 1380 (i'm inclined to just call this a full fic)

A/N: First, an apology. This has been in my inbox for quite a while and I am very sorry about the wait. Secondly, I made this entire scenario up after doing some minimal research on Holter monitors so it might not make sense.

Spencer gave Hotch’s door a light tap before taking a deep breath and then giving two sharp knocks. “Come in”

The door swung open and Derek patted him on the shoulder with a smile as he exited, no doubt having just received a glowing report regarding his physical health. Spencer dropped into the seat, casting a quick glance at the team of health professionals on Hotch’s couch and immediately regretting it. They were very clinical looking - pressed white lab coats, hair combed and gelled back, clipboards piled with papers, already scribbling away and speaking among themselves in hushed voices. “Ok Dr. Reid, we just have a few questions to ask you regarding your health practices and then we’ll take a look at the results from the Holter Monitor. Is that alright?”

“Um yeah. Yeah, that’s fine” he glanced over at Hotch who was leafing through Spencer’s notes with a raised eyebrow. The first few questions about his diet and lifestyle practices were easy but then came the dreaded evaluation of the Holter measurements. “Now we just have a few questions about some of the readings from the Holter. I see there was a bit of a spike right after you put it on that you attributed to nerves?”

“O-oh uh yeah, I was just a little nervous about having it on. That was it.” But that wasn’t the exact truth.

---

You had Spencer sit cross-legged on the bed without his shirt when he came home with the Holter. He was explaining how it worked as you studied the diagram detailing how to put it on. You slipped the wearable recording device over his head and climbed into his lap, surreptitiously rocking your hips into his as you untangled the wires. His hands encircled your waist, adjusting your angle so your clothed core ran against his entire length. You attached the electrodes carefully, kissing each patch of skin before covering it. His breath came out in soft pants as his release mounted and he squeezed his eyes shut. Just as he was about to come, you clicked the machine on and his eyes flew open.

“Wait, Y/N! I can’t - I’m supposed to keep my heart rate down.” The panic in his voice was evident and you smirked. If there was one thing you knew about Spencer it was that he liked succeeding. One might even say he liked winning - 3 Ph.Ds, prolific poker player, unsubs behind bars - so it didn’t come as a surprise to you that he was keen on passing his health evaluation. You trailed a hand down his chest, feeling the pounding heart he was trying to calm with deep breaths. “If you say so, doc”

---

The evaluator’s next question snapped him from his reverie. “That sounds fine but there was a concerning increase in your heart activity at 2 AM. It says here that you were exercising, specifically sprinting?”

Spencer dropped the pen he had been twirling and dove under his chair to get it. “Ah yes, I - uh - those are my nightly sprints.”

If Hotch’s eyebrows went up any farther they’d disappear in his hairline. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand across his face in exasperation when he spotted your face peeking out through an opening in his office blinds. You darted away quickly, sprinting back to your desk. Meanwhile, Spencer mentally chastised himself for his lack of self-restraint, saying that he was doing sprints at 2 AM was stupid but it was the only thing he could think of that could somewhat explain his elevated heart rate without revealing his actual activities.

---

He couldn’t sleep with the monitor on, tossing and turning in your arms until he rolled onto his back and let out a frustrated huff. You sleepily propped yourself up on your elbow. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

He scooted in closer, curling his body into yours and burying his face into your tits. He whined, “Can’t sleep with this thing on me”

“Oh, poor baby. Do you need me to make you feel better?” You dipped a hand down the front of his pajama pants and he automatically pressed his hips forward, used to you soothing him in this way after nightmares. He was already half-hard and you stroked him softly before sliding down the bed. His whimpers at the loss of your breasts exploded into loud moans as you swallowed his length, running your tongue up the underside of his cock and sucking at the tip before taking him back into your throat. Usually, you would take your time but you were feeling particularly wicked tonight, bringing a hand up to cradle his balls as the other forced his wild hips down onto the bed. Once again you pulled away just as his orgasm began to materialize and he threw his head back against the pillows, whines devolving into a choked sob. “We wouldn’t want to mess up your Holter results, now would we?”

Needless to say, he didn’t get any sleep that night.

---

“Well Dr. Reid, this kind of activity is most unusual and frankly quite concerning. Your heart rate even shot up right before you returned the monitor which you again attributed to nerves.” Spencer’s face reddened as he recalled the events that transpired that morning.

---

He was pacing down a vacant hallway in the basement of the Bureau, willing his nerves away. He was sure he would fail. Could you even fail one of these evaluations? Probably. If anyone could fail it would be Spencer. Between the events of the last 24 hours and the fact that Derek was going right before him, he knew he was screwed. And then as if the universe were conspiring against him there you were coming out of the printer room, heels clicking against the floor, hips swaying, a form-fitting blouse leaving just enough to the imagination. And Spencer had a very vivid imagination. Watching you float towards him was really all it took to have him standing at attention, heart rate skyrocketing. But you were ever the overachiever, threading his tie between your fingers and pulling him in for a kiss. Your knee came up between his legs and he automatically rocked into you, still worked up from your relentless denial. You ran your tongue over his bottom lip, deepening the kiss and applying even more pressure. “You’ve been so good, sweetheart. Trying your very hardest to control yourself. It’s adorable.”

It didn’t even occur to Spencer that he had to return the monitor along with his notes in less than 10 minutes, he was cumming in his pants as soon as the praise left your lips, whining into your mouth as he finally attained his long-awaited release. He looked down at you in shock as you stepped back. “Shit, Y/N! What do I do? They’re gonna call me up in 5 minutes!”

You gave him a mocking look of sympathy as you smoothed the wrinkles in his dress shirt. “Guess you better get cleaned up then”

---

“Dr. Reid, I’d like to see you again for a follow-up.” The doctor on the left scribbled their name on the bottom of a form and handed it to Spencer. He gave the paper a quick glance before looking over at Hotch with wide eyes. Help me.

Hotch sighed, taking the form from Spencer and giving it a quick scan before returning it to the evaluation team. “As we know, Dr. Reid has had a tumultuous history with these physical assessments. However, he is an invaluable member of this team and has proven himself in the field time and time again. I don’t see any reason to prolong this evaluation. Now if you’ll excuse us, I believe Dr. Reid was your last appointment of the day”

They protested but Hotch fixed them with his trademark stare and they stood up to leave. “Very well, but Dr. Reid will not be exempt from his yearly fitness test this time.”

Spencer gulped, watching them file out the room. He turned to Hotch thanking him as he took his file and turned to leave, glad it was over. But before he could leave, Hotch cleared his throat. “I take it Y/N will be helping you train for your fitness test”

[aperrywilliams]

Couvade  (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif!)

Masterlist

———————

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Summary: The team having weeks full of work, traveling across the country. Tiredness is taking its toll on Reader and Spencer.

Word Count: 3747.

Warnings: References to headaches, stomachaches, and another “aches” as well. Couple discussions. Spencer losing his temper. Spencer and Reader clueless. But fluffy in the end.

A/N: Work has drained all my energy these last few weeks. Something from our favorite doctor to get me back.

——————–

In recent months the cases that were coming to the BAU were a true roller coaster in many ways: some simpler, others tremendously difficult and rough. Some local others far across the country.

With all this turmoil, there wasn't much time left for personal life. My advantage, if I had to compare myself to my colleagues, was that my boyfriend worked with me and at least we could see each other a few moments a day and spend some time together on the jet traveling from one place to another.

I think Spencer also saw it as an advantage, even though as the weeks went by following this same rhythm he was much more irritable and angry than usual. Not that Spencer is an irritable man by definition, quite the contrary, but the work’ stress was taking its toll on us and he was no exception.

One of the few mornings we were able to be quiet in the BAU offices, I approached his desk. It caught my attention that he had the palms of his hands covering his mouth.

“Spencer, ¿what’s wrong?”. Looking at him, I saw that he was paler than usual.

“Nothing , I'm fine. I just feel a little nauseous. Apparently the muffin for breakfast made my stomach funny”, he lamented.

“Baby , I'm sorry. I should have asked when it was made when I bought it,” I tried to apologize.

“It's not your fault. It may be that my stomach is more fussy than usual,” he said with a sigh. Sigh that was apparently interrupted by another nausea. In two seconds Spencer was on her feet running towards the bathroom.

Not that Spencer is a tremendously healthy person, but it was rare to see him sick, except for his headaches and his periods of insomnia, which we were both used to living with from time to time. But this was different. Spencer rarely caught a cold or had stomach problems, even given all the coffee and sugar she consumed daily.

In general, when men feel sick they are like children . And in Spencer Reid that was increased by three. Thus, throughout that day I was concerned with checking his condition, preparing herbal tea and doing everything possible to prevent him from drinking coffee. When we got to the apartment that we had shared for more than a year, I made sure to make soup for him and send him to bed early.

In the following days his stomach discomfort began to disappear. A relief, because my genius boyfriend was unbearable during all those days, so much that we argued about almost anything. I also felt irritable and overwhelmed by the amount of work we had, and besides having to take care of Spencer .

Another case, another trip. On the jet on the way to San Francisco, and after reviewing details of the case, I went to sit next to Spencer. I wanted to apologize for our last discussion that morning. When I got closer he was reading a book, but I knew he wasn't really reading since the pages weren't turning. I was sure he was attentive to how I approached his side.

“Spencer... baby...,” I said in the softest and most tender voice I could. I did not get an answer. “Spencer ... can you look at me please?”. The second call was less friendly. He raised his eyes to look at me.

“I'm looking at you (Y/N),” he replied with a bored expression that began to annoy me and even regret wanting to apologize.

“Thank you. Can you close your book too? I need to talk to you”. Not very enthusiastically he shut the book and put it to the side of the seat.

“Done. What do you want to talk about?”. Same look and same voice. I didn't want to be upset with him, but he was making it difficult for me. I took a deep breath and began to speak.

“I want to apologize for our discussion this morning. I know I said not very kind things to you. None of that was truth, you have to believe me. It's just that I also feel overwhelmed by everything and I understand that you are tired, but I am too and you know that I say things without thinking when I am like this…”. His gaze softened when he saw that I was genuine and tears even started to come out of me without my meaning to. He sighed and extended his arms for me to snuggle with him, which I did immediately burying my face into his chest.

“I must also apologize. I didn't react in the best way either. I yelled at you and that's not right. I also feel overwhelmed and tired, more than usual. Being sick last week didn't help me much either… ”. He hugged me tight so I felt his words were sincere.

“I'm sorry. I hope this job’s rhythm drops in the next few days, I don't want to live fighting with you”. I said giving him a soft kiss on his chin and drying my tears.

“I don’t want that either. In fact, I think we should take a few days off, just for us. At this point I am having a hard time separating work’s moments from our private’s moments,” he stated.

Spencer was right. What seemed to be positive also had its bad side: Which was the real boundary between the professional and the personal? We always tried our relationship wasn’t a problem for our job, but it was also important to do the reverse exercise: our job shouldn't be a problem for our relationship either.

All this time that we had been on this beat - more than 10 weeks and counting – we had no enough time to spend together like a real couple. The last time we had sex was before Spencer got sick and it was a quicky in my hotel room during a case in Denver. And before that, I don’t even remember well.

I hadn't felt very good either. Going from place to place around the country had me dizzy most of the time and with headaches for weeks. Of course, none of that managed to incapacitate me at work, so I didn’t take it seriously and didn’t tell anyone about it . I also had a few days with stomach pain and nausea, which I explained by the poor diet we were having between so much travel. After a few weeks I began to feel better from these discomforts, but irritability and tiredness continued.

I was still cuddling with Spencer when I felt him whine shifting for a more comfortable position into the seat.

“Spencer, what’s wrong?,” I asked lifting my head to look at him.

“Since yesterday I have a back pain that is killing me. (Y/N), I still have some years to go to turn 40 and I already feel like an old man!,” he complained.

“We haven't slept well either. Hotel beds are not the best. I have also had back pain some weeks ago. But I think I'm used to that and it doesn't hurt so much anymore.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I’m complaining about my pain and you too haven't felt well lately. I'm failing miserable as a boyfriend”. He gave me a kiss on the forehead, hugging me tight again.

“I didn't want to worry you with those things. I know how you get when something happens to me, surely you would have insisted on me taking a leave. And it's not a big deal. The worst is the tiredness and the bad mood, besides that I feel that my body weighs on me. I gained weight grossly. I look awful,” I said, pouting.

“Of course you’re not. You look beautiful. Tired… but beautiful”. He took my chin and gave me a soft kiss on my lips.

“You say it just to not make me feel bad,” I replied when we pulled away.

“(Y/N), I mean it. You know I like everything about you,” Spencer replied as he stroked my back and rested his chin on my head. How I missed those moments with Spencer, even though I wish they weren't on the jet on their way to a case.

The San Francisco case was terrible. We were in the fifth day and couldn't identify the unsub yet. We were sleeping very little and badly. We couldn't even agree between ourselves on the profile, which triggered a heated discussion with Spencer while we were in the meeting room we had been assigned to work. The worst thing was having this argument in front of the whole team.

“You are not seeing the obvious (Y/N), it’s impossible this can be done by a single person. There aren't any hints of that in the evidence”. Spencer spat as he pointed to the board with the notes and photos we had.

“Are you saying I don't know how to do my job? I am seeing the same evidence as you, but you are so obsessed with your theory that you are not able to think of other possibilities”, I replied back.

“Obsessed? Oh no, no. The only one obsessed with a theory here is you. You have not put any evidence of what you are saying!”

“Don’t say that. Look at this board! What do all these photos tell you? Why couldn't it be a single person with a psychotic break? Can't you see the pattern? I began to despair and inadvertently tears I couldn’t control began to fall. That upset Spencer even more.

“Your crying isn’t going to convince me of this stupid theory (Y/N)!,” he shot almost making my heart shatter. Watching the exchange grow increasingly rough, Prentiss finally intervened.

“Reid! Enough!,” she said seeing how I couldn't control my tears and my hands started to shake. At the wake-up call, Spencer fell silent and realized my state. I started to feel dizzy. He tried to grab my arm and I avoided him.

“Don’t touch me!,” I yelled at him, as I headed straight to leave the room, but the dizziness intensified and I fell to the floor losing consciousness.

***

I managed to grab (Y/N)'s head before it hit the floor. At that moment I realized that I had lost my temper and had pushed (Y/N) to the limit. JJ immediately came over to help me. We checked the pulse and checked for any injuries. Meanwhile, Rossi went in search of the paramedics.

I felt a lump in my throat. Suddenly the nausea returned. I couldn't help myself and ran to the bathroom. I was cursing myself for not being able to control myself. My girlfriend had passed out because of me and I couldn't even be with her because I felt sick again.

When I came out of the bathroom I was intercepted by Emily in the hallway. She told me that (Y/N) had regained consciousness but they would take her to the hospital for a check-up anyway. I just wanted to go with her.

“JJ went with her and the paramedics. I'll let you go with her, but first tell me what's going on between you both. You two have been between fights and reconciliations for weeks. Your mood is a roller coaster, we no longer know what happens to you. I understand that we are all tired of this rhythm, but in you guys it seems like something unbearable! Are you okay? Can you tell me Spencer…”. Emily was right. We had weeks between discussions and mutual apologies. Now, I couldn't find a mildly convincing reason for the situation.

“I honestly don't know. I don't know what happens to us. Until a few weeks ago everything was fine and now… I don't know. I can't control myself. There are days when I feel tired, jaded. Others where everything seems normal. I have felt sick more often. I can't even stand myself sometimes,” I said scratching my head.

“Whatever it’s, I think you need to talk. This kind of outburst can't happen again, Spencer. Now go with her”

“Are you sure?... what about the case?...” I asked.

“Unbelievably, your argument gave us a clue. Rossi, Luke, and Tara are analyzing it now. So don't worry about the case, go. Talk to (Y/N)”. I nodded and ran to the hospital.

***

When I regained consciousness I was still in the meeting room, JJ was holding my head and a paramedic was checking my vitals. I felt embarrassed. I wanted to get up but JJ wouldn't let me. She told me that they would take me to the hospital to check me up even though I had already regained consciousness. I just shrugged. I didn’t know why so much commotion, for me it was just fatigue and the anger of the moment. Anger that still ran through my body, because I didn't even want to ask where Spencer was.

At the hospital a nurse came to my room and asked JJ leave the room for a moment. Then she took blood samples from me, measured my blood pressure, among other things. When she was doing that she asked me what happened. The nurse asked me too about my health in the previous weeks and I told her about my back pain, bloating, headaches, nausea and dizziness. She just nodded and told me that we should wait for the tests to rule out things and conclude if it was only fatigue and stress that triggered my fainting. Then she left the room and JJ came in again.

“What did she tell you?,” JJ asked me.

“Nothing yet. She took samples and said we have to wait,” I replied shrugging.

“What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know. I guess it's stress. In the last two months we have not had a truce JJ, I don't know how you are still standing…,” I said with a sigh.

“Yeah, I know. We have had very intense weeks lately. But it looks like it hit you and Spencer a lot harder. Are you two okay?”. There was genuine concern in her voice, but honestly I didn't have an explanation beyond the obvious: stress.

“Yes , I guess. I mean, it's true that we've argued more often, but that doesn't change how I feel about Spencer. In the opposite. It's weird what I'm going to say, but I miss him. I mean, I miss our moments together without having to think about work or argue”. I hadn't realized that tears were already coming from my eyes. “Shit JJ, and now I'm crying and I don't know why… I should be mad! He yelled at me in front of everyone and called me stupid!”

“You need to talk about it, (Y/N). I'm sure he didn't mean it”

“He is an idiot, JJ. He is almost more insufferable than me…”. I crossed my arms over my chest frowning just thinking about what happened. And as if it were fate, at that precise moment Spencer Reid made his appearance in the hospital room.

***

I walked into the hospital room and saw (Y/N) on the bed with her arms crossed over her chest talking to JJ. They both looked at me standing in the doorway. I could see (Y/N)’s anger on her face. She had right, I wasn't going to blame her for that. I steeled myself and approached (Y/N). If I had to receive her anger, I was willing to accept it.

“How do you feel?,” I asked. I wanted to take her hand, but she quickly pushed it away.

“Fine”. She didn't even want to look at me. Her eyes fixed on her feet covered by the hospital bed’s sheets. At that moment JJ ​​got up from her chair heading to the door.

“I’ll be outside calling the team. I let you talk for a while”. On leaving JJ closed the door. (Y/N) still didn't look at me.

“(Y/N)… I’m so sorry. Baby, I'm really sorry. I lost control. I don’t know what happened to me. Nothing I said I meant it. (Y/N), you have to believe me, I don't want you to think I don't value your job. That’s not true, you are invaluable to the team. You are an excellent profiler…,” I was looking at her with pleading eyes.

“You yelled at me. You treated me lousy. I don't know what is wrong with you. If you're as overwhelmed as I am, that doesn't give you the right to do what you did either”. She looked up and I could see that she was hurt. That broke my heart.

“I know. I'm sorry. I don’t know what's happening to me these weeks. I would like to give you a better explanation, but I don't have one. I know it’s wrong and I promise I will do whatever it takes to make up to you. I love you, (Y/N). I can’t stand see you hurt because of me”. This time she reached for my hand and squeezed it hard.

“I should hate you Spencer Reid. But I can't…” (Y/N) said shaking her head and huffing. “I guess I must believe you this time. You are not forgiven yet, though,” she warned me. I kissed her hand nodding in agreement. At that moment the doctor entered the room, still checking a folder with many papers.

“Miss (Y/L/N), good afternoon, I’m Dr. Anna Ragger, how are you feeling?”

“Much better now, thank you doctor,” the doctor nodded looking at me. “He is Spencer Reid, my boyfriend,” (Y/N) hastened to explain.

“Ah. Nice to meet you. Well, I have the results from your blood tests.” I was standing next to (Y/N) without releasing her hand.

“Is there something I should be concerned about doctor?”, (Y/N) asked.

“It depends on what you consider to be a concern, but I would say no,” doctor replied with a shy smile on her face. I looked at (Y/N) who had the same confused face as me. Before the doctor could say anything else, I felt my stomach twist again. Dr. Ragger looked at me strangely.

“Is something wrong sir?,” she asked. When my nausea subsided, I was only able to speak.

“I'm fine. I've only been with some stomachaches for a few weeks…,” I mumbled.

“What else did you feel? Fatigue? Headaches? Body aches? Mood changes?,” Dr. Ragger asked. I looked at her in amazement. She had perfectly described my symptoms of the past weeks. (Y/N) was frowning trying to understand what was happening.

“Yeah… ehm… all of them. Well, we've had very difficult weeks at work,” I replied. The doctor tried to hide a smile.

“Have you heard of Couvade syndrome?,” I thought for a few seconds and yes, I knew what it was.

“Yeah. Couvade syndrome is something that happens to men when their partners are pregnant. It emulates the symptoms that women experience during the first trimester of pregnancy,” I explained. The doctor nodded, smiling. (Y/N) dropped her jaw. Dr. Ragger, seeing I had not thought enough about my own words, intervened again.

“That likely explains your symptoms...”

“You mean I have that syndrome? I don't think so, because for that to happen (Y/N) would have to be... oh!”. The realization hit me like a freight train. “Oh!”, I exclaimed and looked at (Y/N) and then turned my eyes again to the doctor. “(Y/N) is...?”

“That's right, Miss (Y/L/N) is pregnant. Congratulations!”.

“Oh my God, are you sure Dr. Ragger?,” (Y/N) asked almost jumping out of bed. I started to feel dizzy. Dr. Ragger noticed my reaction and helped me to sit in the chair where JJ was before leaving the room.

“Yes miss (Y/L/N), your symptoms are consistent with pregnancy, and the blood tests confirmed it. My guess is that you must be in your 10th week of pregnancy, which would explain why your boyfriend would be experiencing similar symptoms. It doesn't happen to all men, of course, but there is always a possibility,” she explained. A little less dizzy I got up from the chair and stand beside (Y/N) holding her hand, still paralyzed. She was astonished yet.

“Well. Now that we are clear about the reasons for your symptoms, you are ready to go home miss (Y/L/N). Talk to your obstetrician about the next steps. Congratulations again,” Dr. Ragger stated before leaving the room.

Once we stayed alone in the room, (Y/N) shook her head in disbelieve. Maybe my face still didn't reflect it, but inside I was burning with happiness. Admittedly, it wasn't something we would have planned, but I was ecstatic at the news. I noticed tears began to roll down (Y/N)'s cheeks. I panicked. Maybe she was not happy with the news.

“Baby, what is it?”

“Spencer... we hadn't planned this. We hadn't even talked about the possibility of having children. And now it's happening... I’m happy, but I don't know if you want this. I can't force you to be with me for that. If you're not comfortable with this, it’s okay, I'll understand... really,” (Y / N) began to cry. I took her cheeks with my hands.

“Hey, look at me. Everything is gonna be okay. We will be okay. I love you so much (Y/N), and that's reason enough for me wanting everything with you. I want to be with you, I want to have children with you. I want you to be my wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You make me the happiest man in the world, and that is why it hurts when I see you suffer for something I did. Please forgive me for these days that I have put you through...,” I said kissing her forehead. I could feel her body relaxed at my words. She took a deep breath.

“Only if you're willing to forgive me for what I'm going to put you through in the next few months... and the rest of your life, Dr. Reid,” (Y/N) said now with a small smile on her face.

“Fair is fair. I'll face it happily,” I replied laughing. I was so pleased seeing the woman who made me so happy every day smiling again.

“I love you Spencer,” she said in a whisper into my lips before kissing me.

“I love you… both,” I replied when we parted. Both smiling and happy for what the future held for us.

——————–

[themockingcrows]

Faint

Chronic invisible illness sucks. Sometimes we stay quiet. Sometimes we cope by giving our favorite characters our condition to get some comfort. This fic is the latter case, wherein Rose Lalonde has Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and deals with everything that brings in order to spread a bit of awareness.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31556225

She’d thought it was normal, till she brought it up to the others. The chest pain, the exhaustion, the dizziness. The sense of running on an internal timer so precise that if she overstepped its bounds it would be time to collapse into the void itself. The darkness at the edges of her vision when she’d been upright too long, when she was stressed, when she was running, dancing.

She’d thought it was normal, that everyone just had more stamina than she did before they had the same symptoms occur.

“That’s not normal. You should maybe see a doctor!” they’d unanimously said. John had been concerned, Dave had been flippant with jokes but the worry was easy to detect, and Jade was forceful with her reasoning.

Rose had finally told her mother something was wrong, to spur a visit to the doctor. It was hard to explain at first, but when her guardian further questioned how she felt, how long she’d felt that way, it had nearly turned into a shouting match.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? What if something is really wrong, Rosie! This isn’t something to just keep quiet!”

If she’d known it was abnormal, perhaps she would have mentioned it sooner. If she’d known. If she’d had a reason, she might have even been able to keep up with ballet instead of having to quit, feigning disinterest when it still made her heart sing. Violin was hard enough to deal with, with her arms raised the entire time. But ballet was just a no go anymore.

To the doctor, then, after a few weeks of edge of seat waiting. The family physician, who they’d known for years. Who didn’t believe her. Not at first, at least.

He’d checked her weight first thing, and finding her normal range, asked about her habits. While he spoke, he checked her joints and how stretchy she was, keeping her moving while talking till she was reeling on her feet before he let her lay down. Stupid old man. Her problem felt like it was in her chest or her head, not her joints! She’d always been plenty bendy, able to pull off poses ahead of her ballet class with minimal effort, the stretches never quite feeling like enough to really pull in her body in a satisfying way.

Head swimming till she lay flat on the exam table, arms crossed over her stomach absently, Rose continued to answer questions.

She was doing okay in school. She was just more tired than usual.

Yes, this had been happening for quite some time.

No, she’d fainted before, but only once. And only because she’d been up too long dancing. She didn’t miss the curious look the doctor gave her mother, the raised brow. He checked her abdomen, he checked her glands, looking for distension or rigidity, looking for clues. Nothing. Nothing that she could see, at least. Nothing that felt any different from normal. He continued to talk, keeping her lying down for a while, and checked her blood pressure while she rested, the pulse oximeter being placed on her opposite finger.

75bpm, 120/80. Everything normal, everything fine. He left the devices in place, however, and then did something strange.

“Could you stand up for me, Rose? Nice and straight, right here by the table.”

There were no questions this time to keep her occupied. Just two sets of eyes staring at her in the small room, watching as she felt the cold sweat start up on her forehead, the shake beginning in her limbs. It was stronger when she stood still, when she couldn’t prowl around. She felt nauseated as the sweat turned to a hot flash and started to soak into the fabric of her shirt, and with it came the panic as she saw the darkness at the corners of her vision.

“Can I sit down please.”

“Not yet, try to hold out a little longer,” the doctor coaxed, inflating the blood pressure cuff once more. She focused on the discomfort on her arm instead of the pounding in her chest and head, the increased breaths. Nausea rose in her throat, bile, bitter, salt from excess saliva.

“Can I sit down. Please,” she said again, not caring that it sounded like begging.

“Nearly there, just a moment longer.”

She didn’t have a moment. She felt her knees quaking, felt the floor rushing up to meet her, but gratefully felt her mother’s hands hurrying to catch her waist and balance her till the doctor finished his data gathering.

80/50. 145bpm.

The monster had a name now. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. There were hopes she’d just grow out of it, but there was a chance it might be long lasting. In her case it seemed to be at least partly linked to how bendy she was, how loose her skin felt, how stretchy it was, how easily she bruised. That, too, had a name. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

What had been a slow appointment was suddenly moving very fast. Referrals were being made, appointments with different doctors at the big hospital in town, and paperwork was being handed to her mother in a thick stack. Informative pages, recommendations for diet, for exercises, safety precautions, warnings, risks. A whole new world was opening up below her and swallowing her whole, and Rose didn’t know how to feel about it.

One thing was certain, however.

She didn’t plan on telling her friends. Or anyone, for that matter.

It would be her little secret.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“...Is it going to hurt?” was Rose’s only question. She felt very small, much smaller than she’d felt at the clinic with her mother. The room here was bigger and more sterile, with strange looking machinery and electronics. She’d asked the same when she had her first EKG earlier, and had been relieved that the most painful part was having the gummy electrodes pulled back off after the painless test was performed. Something about being in a hospital gown and swinging her legs on a different looking exam table just made her feel even more fragile than the long walk through the building had. At least her mom was there with her.

“No, not at all. It might be a little uncomfortable, or a little cold, but there’s no pain,” promised a technician with a smile. She smiled back a little uncertainly, unconvinced. “All we’re going to do is get some pictures of your heart. I promise, an echocardiogram doesn’t hurt. It’s just a paddle with cold jelly, you’ll hold your breath when I tell you to and stay very still, and we’ll see how things look from different angles.”

“And you’ll tell me if I’m going to die or not.”

“No,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll be telling you if you have any issues with your heart valves or not.”

“Same difference.”

“You underestimate just how much the human body can handle before needing intervention,” he chuckled. “C’mon, legs up on the table and get laid back. I’m sorry for having to keep the shirt open, I know it’s embarrassing. Mom, you can see everything, yes?”

“Yes. Rosie if you need to hold my hand, I ca-”

“I’m fine, Mother. Thank you.”

“Well. If you change your mind, I’m right here.”

“Can you see the screen?” he asked Rose. She nodded, then went very still to watch the technician lift a bottle of gel and squeeze a splurt onto the paddle's end instead. “Right. Sorry this will be chilly, just try to bear with it. And-”

“Stay very still,” Rose finished for him as he opened the front of the gown and pressed the paddle to her chest. She hadn’t been watching the screen at first, but when it lit up with a fluttering white and gray form it was hard to ignore. She knew what it was, of course, though not what the technician was looking for. Seeing your own heart pushing blood around, flaring and calming as it cycled pulses, was kind of amazing. There it was, the only thing keeping her alive, and they were checking to see if any potential defects inside of its valves from the EDS were making her sick.

The procedure was quick enough. A roll here or there, a drop down section of the table for him to do further measurements underneath of her as she lay on her side, and soon enough she was done.

“What’s the verdict, am I dying,” Rose said, voice carefully calm and face deadpan. The papers from the physician had said this was a non-deadly condition, that neither of them would kill her, but the concept of damage to a heart valve of all things being real had brought out the morbid part of her brain.

“There’s a bit of a leak,” he admitted. “But your measurements are just fine and within normal ranges. I wouldn’t be too worried about it, but if you start feeling worse or new symptoms we might recheck within the next few years.”

Rose wiped off the gel with the offered cloth and covered back up while the technician spoke with her mother, the words flowing quick and easy as she asked questions and they discussed the findings. Rose herself stared at the blank screen for a moment before setting her hand over her heart, feeling the pulse, remembering how it had looked.

She was fine then.

All the more reason not to make anyone she knew worry.

She informed her friends that it had been a vitamin issue and that she was going to be just fine before changing the subject, getting swept up in conversations about games and comics and music all over again. Same as ever.

Same as always.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Treatment wasn’t much. Increased water consumption, and a stupid amount of salt. Compression stockings, when that alone wasn’t enough. Rose drank gatorade till she could smell it in her dreams, ate pickles and pretzels till salty foods lost their amusement and her mother had to get creative in the kitchen and with the ordering in catalog. Everything was salt and fluids, compression stockings just tight enough they gave her the will to live back. Thankfully they came in black and she could just pretend they were normal stockings, and for anyone just looking in passing, they would be just another part of her wardrobe.

Yet none of it was enough. The weakness persisted, the fatigue, and through it all that awful, stupid racing heart. If the sound of a beating heart could drive a man mad from beneath floorboards then, surely, the persistent throbbing in her ears and the pain in her chest from her own rushing tempo would be enough to drive her mad. Going to the grocery store made her sweat through her clothes, made her vision blur even as she clung to the cart for balance. More than once, she had to go find a deserted aisle to sit down on the floor in, legs stretched out in front of her, waiting for the worst of it to pass as she debated just how much she might regret laying down flat to hurry it along.

Rose assumed this was just how life was going to be. Stockings, salt, water, constantly living on an internal timer to get things done. Annoying, but not much of a burden. She could imagine living her life like this, one way or another. Others did it every day.

Then had come SBurb.

Fire from the sky and the end of the world, rushing, hurrying, breaking the bottle. She hadn’t been wearing her stockings for the day, but was grateful for the opportunities to sit, few and far between as they were. There was plenty reason for her heart to be beating out of her chest then; plenty of scary, inexplicably stressful things were happening. She had entered the medium with grim determination, and set about the task of destroying imps with a bit of glee.

She had to be quick in dispatching them, there was no alternative. Fainting around these things was unthinkable, and she had plenty of stress to get out with her knitting needles. Rose combined aggression with ballet and her own trained limberness for maneuvers that, in a normal situation, she’d never have reason to use.

It was thrilling.

It was-

Gasping and out of breath, Rose settled on her knees and held her chest after her latest kill, needing time to recover. To rest. It was like she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t open her lungs enough. Like she was drowning on dry land. She gagged, saliva thick and sticky from exertion and, somehow, early dehydration. Slowly, she flopped onto her back and threw her legs up against the wall, feeling the ache and throb as the pooled blood rushed back towards her torso and brain.

Maybe she should get her stockings before continuing, given she had no idea what to expect going forward…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The game up through getting to the meteor had been quite the experience. She’d been able to pace herself somewhat, exerting herself in bouts that she could control better once she’d gotten some thoroughly upgraded weaponry in hand. Now, godtiered and being able to fly, she found she was able to handle being upright longer than usual.

Well.

Mostly.

She still had an affinity for walking normally. Maybe it was because it let her track her internal timer better, a long ingrained pattern she was comfortable with. Maybe it was the fear of falling from height, knowing it wouldn’t kill her but that it would still hurt unless someone caught her. There was also the setback of getting enough fluids and salt.

Gatorade was too much to hope for, but water was doable at least. Salt as a base was also available, but drinking straight salt water would have been anything but subtle.

...Maybe it was time to be honest. Rose was fairly certain that Dave already had an idea something was up, having been around her for some time by then. He always seemed to be watching her carefully, and after a few conversations with Kanaya she’d walked in on, even Kanaya had begun to have a more cautious air in their interactions.

Would that just get worse, if she told everyone?

How would Vriska react to such a thing? Such a weakness? The Seer of Light, waylaid by darkness brought on by standing for too long, she could hear it now. Brought on by sitting upright too long, sometimes. It had progressed in ways that she was frustrated about, spending time reading and trying to figure out how to make compression stockings of the right elasticity out of her god tier outfit in her down time. A dress? Sure! Simple! A garment that would help her out without cutting off all circulation to her legs or being useless? Bit more difficult.

At least Kanaya was content to let her recline whenever she wanted. She never asked, never brought it up. Instead she welcomed the blonde head to her lap, the subtle tug on her hand that meant she was going to slide to sit on the ground against the wall for a time to watch the vast space they were traveling through.

Maybe she would just keep it quiet forever. Or, at least, till after their final battles were done. When there was time to rest, when there were doctors again, Gatorade or something similar, she could get this under control and go back to her plans of dealing with it like she had imagined on Earth. Whatever lay ahead of them could be handled.

She’d keep it quiet. It would be her little secret.

Till she’d fainted in front of everyone, at least.

Another argument had broken out between Karkat and Vriska, Terezi egging on from the side and Dave adding the occasional beatbox for effect much to everyone’s annoyance and amusement in equal measure. Rose and Kanaya were observing and commenting for the most part, following them all up the stairs, but the growing intensity of the clog meant that the foot traffic had come to a stop.

Moments ticked by, then minutes.

Rose felt the shake in her knees, the cold sweat on her brow starting up.

“Dear, are you quite alright? You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” she promised with a smile, looking ahead at the group who took up the stairwell. Surely they’d move any moment. Any time now. Any second. They couldn’t argue forever, not even Karkat and Vriska on a bad day, it would end any time. She just needed to hold on, and then she’d be back upstairs with her book on the sofa, feet up, recovering stealthily yet again.

The argument dragged on, and the pain in her chest started up. Vision blurring, Rose turned her head to glance down the stairs, half turning. Maybe she could go back downstairs and use the restroom or something instead, buy time for them to move while having an excuse on hand so nobody would be suspicious.

“I’m-” she started to say.

Her legs buckled beneath her, and she knew no more.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“See, if you’d just moved your ass instead of backing up into the wall like a cornered meowbeast, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s not like I pushed her! I don’t know who pushed her!”

“Nobody pushed her, she just collapsed, I was right there. We’ve been over this.”

“Well, why did she collapse then!”

“Has she been drinking or something?”

“No, not that I’m aware. She ate earlier, too.”

“Sleeping?”

“Plenty.”

Rose slowly opened her eyes and stared up quietly at the ceiling, the view from the floor at the bottom of the staircase. The argument had a new source now, the squabble more contained than before, but still lively. Kanaya was watching Terezi pull Karkat and Vriska physically apart like she wanted to jump in and do it herself, but she kept her cool hands on Rose’s arm instead, immobilized. Dave had a notebook he was using like a fan over her face, cooling her off, drying the remaining sweat on her brow. He stopped when he realized she was awake, setting it aside and pushing his shades up the bridge of his nose.

She knew that look. Worry. Suspicion. It made her stomach ache a bit with guilt.

“You good now?”

“...Yeah. I fell?”

“Swan dived face first for the concrete, more like.”

Kanaya’s head jerked her direction and she smiled broader, leaning down to hug Rose tight around the shoulders.

“I was so worried! You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No,” she admitted, surprised. “How-”

“I’m quick,” Dave shrugged, glancing to the side. Kanaya pressed a kiss to her cheek before carefully helping her to sit upright. “Hey, yo, shut the fuck up, she’s awake now. Everyone can stop the blame game, new topic after a quick five.”

“Lalonde, what was that about!” Vriska said immediately. “Did you just trip over your own feet?”

“Kanaya said she collapsed,” Terezi sighed. “Not tripped.”

Karkat glowered, but crossed his arms and was quiet for a moment before speaking. “Thanks for not painting the floor with your thinkpan, we’ve got enough problems around here witho- UGH” he grunted, Terezi’s elbow making swift contact with his side, halting his contribution to the subject.

“Are you sick or something?” Terezi asked.

Rose furrowed her brow, looking around at everyone. Looking back to Dave, looking to Kanaya, both of whom briefly exchanged knowing glances. It appeared the jig was up. Now to just let the cat out of the bag properly so it would stop suffocating.

“I fainted,” Rose said.

“No fucking shit,” came Karkat’s helpful response.

“It’s. ...I’ve done it before,” Rose said, trying to measure her words, trying to figure out how to explain quickly not only to Dave but to members of an entirely different species. “On Earth I was sick. I’m still sick.”

“So we just need to get you medicine or something, right?” Dave said.

She shook her head.

“I’m already taking my medicine best I can.”

“Man, if you know how to make meds can you whip up some pepto or somethin’, because I think I’m gonna die if I don’t get hold of some before the next time we eat makeshift Alternian shit,” Dave said. Rose shook her head again.

“Water and salt.”

“What about it?” said Kanaya, rubbing Rose’s upper back when she still looked a bit woozy. Rose accepted the invitation and leaned into her shoulder, hugging her with one arm to give herself a bit more courage.

“That’s the medicine.”

“...I don’t follow.”

Rose groaned and dropped her head against Kanaya’s neck for a moment before sighing and straightening once more.

“I’ve got a condition called POTS.”

“Like-”

“No, not like fucking weed. It’s Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.”

“What the fuck does all that mean? Are you contagious?” Karkat asked, getting another sharp elbow from Terezi, hard enough he slapped at her arm afterwards a few times in annoyance. “Will you knock that the fuck off?!”

“Don’t you think she would’ve mentioned something if she was?”

“SHE’S A FUCKING ALIEN! How do we know if it’s not contagious to US?” he argued, taking a quick step back to avoid yet another elbow coming his direction. Vriska caught him around the neck and scrubbed her knuckles deep against his scalp till he cringed.

“Preeeeeeeetty sure she would’ve said something that important before no- YOW!”

More than a little annoyed, Terezi yanked a section of Vriska’s hair till she released the thrashing Karkat, then quickly slapped a hand Karkat’s direction to keep him at bay.

“What’s it mean,” she said simply.

“It means my body is stupid and my brain doesn’t get enough blood to it when I’m upright. It all goes to my legs and can’t get back up to my head fast enough,” she said. “My heart races very badly and I feel like I’m dying and I get very weak. I get tired. I get sick. And if I’m not careful, I faint.”

“So it wasn’t a vitamin problem,” Dave mumbled. “Fuckin’ knew it.”

Kanaya frowned a bit, lifting a hand up to stroke a section of Rose’s bangs away from her face, to stroke down the side of her cheek with her thumb. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? We could have watched out for you.”

“I didn’t want to hold anyone back,” Rose shrugged. “I thought I could handle it. And I didn’t want-”

“UGH great! Now we’ve got a whole person who’s useless to cope with!” Vriska shouted, rubbing her eyes with one hand.

“That,” Rose said flatly, more than a little annoyed.

“She’s not useless, she’s sick,” Dave said.

“SAME DIFFERENCE! It’s a weakness! A BIG weakness! We’re heading towards a huge fight and we can’t count on you at all now!”

Rose set her jaw. “I can handle myself. I just have to be quick an-”

“You can’t handle yourself, you just fell down the stairs from standing still! What if you collapse during battle, huh? What then? I’m sure as shit not sweeping in to save you, and we need all the god tier powers we can get to be FUNCTIONAL during a fight!” Vriska continued, yanking her hair free from Terezi’s hand to stalk closer, staring down where Rose sat, arms crossed. “What can you do? Ranged attacks while sitting down?”

Releasing Kanaya, Rose stood up quickly, immediately regretting it when her vision swam again. She braced herself and bent her knees before locking them in a wider stance for balance. It was a weak spot. A point of pride was that she’d come this far just fine as it was, and now that the cat was out of the bag her worst fears were coming true.

“Hey, easy, don’t go down again,” Dave said from behind her.

“Shut up, I’m fine!” Rose insisted. “What do you want me say, Vriska! That I promise I won’t collapse? You don’t know what I’m capable of in a fight! You don’t know what options I have on hand! Don’t discredit me just because I have this bullshit to deal with. If I can work around it, so can you. If you can’t then which of us is weaker in the end, me or you?”

It was spoken as a challenge, pure and simple. Tension was thick in the air as they stared each other down, Rose with her hands balled into fists, Vriska with crossed arms. Everyone was waiting for something to give, for the other shoe to drop.

“...Whatever,” Vriska muttered, the first to break position. She turned around and lifted her arms behind her head to stretch as she went up the stairs. “Humans are so fragile and booooooooring! Terezi, come help with dinner, I don’t know what to aim for this time.”

A collective breath was released. Terezi smirked a bit.

“That was pretty good, Lalonde. Normally she’d have kept going, but I think you got her in a corner now.”

“TEREZI, COME ON, I’M HUNGRY!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, keep your rumble spheres tethered!” she shouted, before turning with a laugh like broken glass to run up the stairs after her friend.

Karkat, alone with the trio, watched Terezi run off before looking back towards Rose. She shuddered, then quickly sat back down on the ground and flopped onto her back with a heavy sigh.

“I’m fine!” she was quick to say. “Just. Need to be down for a second. Just a second. Holy shit.”

“What, think you were gonna get into a catfight?” Dave asked, picking up the notebook again to sway over her face a few times just in case it was useful again.

“Yes!”

“Would’ve been funny,” he admitted.

“Would’ve been hilarious if this is what finally got us at each other’s throats,” she said sarcastically.

“How do you feel now that everyone knows what has been wrong?” Kanaya asked, stretching her legs out before scooting closer to Rose’s side and laying back as well. “Relieved?”

“Yes. ...Though. What if she’s right…?”

“First time for everything,” Dave shrugged. “Here, lift your heads up,” he instructed as he dropped the notebook and instead lifted his cape, scooting it in a wad beneath their heads. He settled opposite Rose and stretched out as well, one knee bent up so he could tap his foot occasionally, arms splayed out.

Karkat waited for a moment before Dave patted the open space in the circle, then came closer and flopped down as well, hands on his stomach.

“...So you’re SURE you’re not contagious.”

“Dude, with how often she swaps spit with Kanaya I’m pretty sure you’re safe just breathin’ the same air if she’s unaffected,” Dave pointed out.

“Well, good. ...Sorry for asking earlier,” he muttered. “I just didn’t know what to think! Lalonde being sick out of nowhere is-”

“It was rather obvious, if you watched her closely. Something was wrong even if I didn’t know what,” Kanaya said. Dave nodded as well, making Rose groan and cover her face with her hands.

“How obvious was I?”

“Real obvious,” Dave snorted. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve got your back now, and we’ll have your back durin’ a fight. You know that.”

“I’ll slice anything that comes for you if you go down,” Karkat said helpfully. Given how much work he’d done hoping to be a threshcutioner before,

Kanaya reached for Rose’s hand as it came away from her face and gave it a squeeze. “We all do.”

“Yeah,” Rose sighed. “Yeah. I know. You’re right.”

She had backup now. And a while to think of how to explain everything to the others when they met up with them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It felt like years ago, that final battle. Maybe because it had been years by then. It was kind of hard to keep track sometimes, really. She’d held her own, had backup, and they had all come out on top. They’d made a new world, populated it, let it grow and come back to live amongst everyone. She’d been hopeful that after all that, after all the advancements, there would be progress in her own disorders. Treatment options beyond salt and water, beyond stockings.

The fact there wasn’t, that it was still a chronic illness, that there was no magical cure in a special pill to take even after all of that, felt a bit like a slap in the face. Somehow, despite everything, having that bit of hope crushed had been enough to send her into a depression deep enough that it took months for friends and family to help pull her out of it.

There was no ‘better’. There was just coping. And she had to be okay with that.

She had options at least, thankfully. She could fly to get places faster than walking, even if she was on a harsher timer than before. She could drive. Her home was comfortable and easily accommodated a wheelchair that she could use outside of the home as well, half the time pushing herself along and the other half of the time being pushed by Kanaya when she got too tired. Life was good in many ways, even if there was no miracle to be had.

She was alive, married to the love of her life. She had friends and family surrounding her. She had aspirations for a long future, and hobbies that kept her plenty busy. It was enough for her.

When Kanaya leaned down behind her to kiss the side of her neck, sharp fangs barely there on her skin, Rose pulled the brakes on her chair and reached back to stroke Kanaya’s hair fondly. Her wife sat down beside her on the dock, overlooking the vast lake, and squinted out over the shimmering surface to make out where their friends were. A boat was heading this way and that trailing a water skier behind on a tow line, while two people flew above it keeping an eye on whoever was below kicking up wake behind them.

“Are you sure you didn’t want to participate?” Kanaya asked, amused when the skier went down into the water and was pulled up by the two flying lifeguards. “They said they had an innertube as well. You could sit and be towed.”

“Mmm. I’m fine,” Rose said with a smile. “Maybe next time, I don’t much feel like getting wet today. What about you? It looks plenty safe. Roxy and John wouldn’t let anyone drown.”

“I’d rather be near you,” she shrugged. “Perhaps we can have a turn in the boat instead later. We could take a tour around the lake without getting wet.”

“I love how your mind works,” Rose chuckled. She stretched a bit, then pushed the legs of her chair straight out, propping her legs straight out in front of her with a grateful sigh, pooled blood circulating somewhat easier again.

The skier was, apparently, Karkat. At least that’s what the shouting and cursing indicated as he struggled in the air with the duo holding him up safely. He dropped back into the lake with a splash, only to be carefully fished out again and deposited on the boat. Rose snorted a laugh before giggling at just how silly the situation looked from a distance, knowing she’d hear all about the details of it later from everyone involved. Kanaya looked at her with a soft smile before leaning against the side of the chair, nudging Rose’s leg till she stroked at her head and horns as one would pet a cat.

“I’m so glad to hear that sound…”

“Laughter? I’ve laughed a lot recently, haven’t I?” Rose asked, a little confused.

“Yes. You’ve been in such a good mood lately, compared to before. Every time I hear you laugh or see you smile it’s like sunshine.”

Rose leaned forward to press a kiss between Kanaya’s horns, making her wife hum softly, blissfully.

“You know just what to say to make an already good day better.”

Somehow, Rose felt, every day was just more proof that everything was going to be okay now.

((If you would like to learn more about POTS please visit this website for information!

http://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30))

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Running on empty (Bucky x reader)

Running on empty

Bucky x anorexic reader

Word count: 1810

Warnings: lots of eating disorder talk/behaviors, self hatred

Summary: Reader relapses in their eating disorder, and the team has a bad feeling about what’s going on. Once they figure it out, Bucky comes to find you

-----------------------

When you were younger you were always an overweight kid. And everyone made sure you knew that they knew. Your peers always made fun of you for being fat. Your family always talked about weight loss techniques, some even going so far as surgeries. And your doctor was the worst… they would always make you feel guilty about it. You would go in for an injury and she would blame your weight, saying you’d be the youngest person they’d ever seen to have organ failure due to their weight. 

You didn’t let it bother you for the longest time. You somehow found a way to be confident in yourself, keep your head up, and not let the comments get to you. Your parents claimed they didn't have to worry about you because you were the most confident person they knew.

But one day it all caught up to you.

You were transitioning into college and you were feeling really stressed. Years of emotional torment were really taking their toll on you, and as much as you put on the same brave face for everyone, you weren’t fooling yourself anymore. You absolutely hate your appearance. And so, you decided to start dieting and exercising.

3 months in and you stopped eating almost entirely

4 months in and people started to notice

9 months in and you were hospitalized with a feeding tube because you were dangerously underweight.

Years later and you were still dancing between the hospital and the real world, unable to stop the addiction you had with starving yourself.

Eventually, you had gotten it under control and went into remission. You went on to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and got to work with the Avengers often. You had advanced knowledge that proved useful to the team on missions so you often trained with them and accompanied them on missions. You were closer with them than you were with your actual family. You felt pretty happy.

Until you didn’t

You had noticed little flare ups here and there. If a mission didn’t go well you would find yourself training in the gym for hours at a time or fasting for a day or two. After one of Tony’s extravagant parties you often found yourself drinking so much that you would vomit or doing it yourself. And just looking at Natasha could cause you to tear up because you felt inadequate. 

It bothered you, it really did. You kept telling yourself that it was fine and it was normal to do these things, but you knew deep down that it wasn’t. But you just kept trying to be your normal self. 

But one day a flip just switched.

What the trigger was, you weren’t quite sure. Maybe it was just some jealousy over Natasha again. Maybe it was a mission gone wrong. Or maybe you had just stared at yourself for a little too long in the mirror getting ready, but you decided you’d had enough. You didn’t eat that day, and by the time you went to bed you knew that this wasn’t a one day type of thing. But you also knew that you would feel better if you lost a few pounds.

Over the next few days, you made excuses to miss meals with the team, claiming you had some work or training to do, or that you had already eaten. And sure, you’d get a few cocked eyebrows but they’d drop it pretty quickly. After a few weeks though, everyone started getting concerned for you.

“Does she, like, not want to be around us anymore?” Sam asked

“I don’t know what’s been going on, but (Y/N) has been acting so distant for the past few weeks. I don’t like it” Steve said, worry etched on his face. 

The team kept sharing their concerns, but Bucky stared off, wheels turning in his head trying to piece things together.

“When was the last time we saw her eat?” he asked quietly, almost to himself. 

Everyone fell silent, hearing him speak but not knowing what he said. “What did you say Buck?” Steve questioned

“Bucky looked around the table at his friends. “She always disappears around meals and I haven't actually seen her eat since before she became so distant. When was the last time anyone saw her eat?”

Everyone looked down, trying to figure it out. Realizing they all had the same answer, they began showing different knee jerk emotions. 

Tony was baffled

Peter, Thor, and Natasha were confused

Sam and Clint were saddened

Steve was concerned

And Bucky was terrified. 

Bucky kept to himself, but he had started to develop feelings for you a few weeks after the two of you had met. Despite his efforts, most of the team knew and would sometimes tease him for it when you weren’t in the room. So to say he was scared right now was a big understatement. 

He decided to go looking for you to talk to you about all of this, hoping that you were in truth, just busy and that he was wrong. Of course your hospitalizations and diagnosis were in your files, but no one had ever thought to look through them. He started in the one place he seemed to always see you - the gym.

And sure enough, you were there, running on the treadmill with sweat pouring down your face. He stared at you through the glass for a few moments, worrying thoughts running rampant though his mind. He entered the gym and you saw him, and sent him a smile since you couldn’t say anything due to being out of breath. 

He smiled back softly as he walked up to you. “Hey, can we talk for a minute?”

You sighed and turned off the treadmill. You were fine with talking, you were just annoyed that he had interrupted your 7 mile run. “Sure, Buck, what’s up?” you asked as you grabbed your towel and water

He looked down and took a breath before looking back and asking “Are you okay?”

You chuckled and said “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” You began to sip your water.

He shifted his weight and ran a nervous hand through his dark hair. He took in your frame. It was smaller than he remembered. Really being able to look at you, he saw how pale you were and how your eyes were sunken in. He pulled his eyebrows together in concern, asking “When was the last time you actually ate?”

You nearly choked your water. Surely he couldn’t have caught on.

He didn’t go through your files did he?

You hadn’t even lost that much yet!

You were still so fat.

Surely this couldn’t be happening. Not yet.

What do I tell-

“(Y/N)?”

You realize that you had been staring at him but hadn’t actually said anything, and your water was spilt all over the floor. You had dropped it. “Shit... uhh…” you begin, clearly flustered. “What do you mean Barnes?”

“Okay, you only call me Barnes when you’re nervous and you’re paler than when I came in, which means something is clearly wrong. (Y/N), really, when was the last time you ate?”

“Earlier today at some point? I don’t know…” you say weakly. You never had been able to lie to Bucky to his face.

Bucky sighed stepping closer. “You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”

You look away because if you looked at him any longer you might break, and you couldn’t do that. No, you weren’t sick enough yet, you had to be strong. 

“Look, Bucky, I’m all good, really I am. So if that’s all, I’m just going to get back to my running…” you turned back to the treadmill when you felt metal clasp around your arm. Bucky noticed how much smaller it felt around his hand and swallowed thickly. You turned around, tears of desperation forming in your eyes.

“Doll, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look awful.” When you looked clearly offended, he began to backtrack. “I don’t mean that in a rude way or however you may try to take it at all. What I mean is that you’re pale. Your eyes are sunken in. you look so frail, and I’m sorry it’s just...I’m really worried about you.”

You looked down, and tears spilled over your eyes and onto the floor. “4 days,” you said quietly.

“4 days what?” Bucky questioned. 

“You looked him in the eyes, tears still falling. “4 days since I’ve eaten anything. A week since I’ve kept something down. A month since my last actual meal.”

Now it was Bucky’s turn for his face to go white. After a few seconds he removes his hand from your arm to envelop you in a hug. His body towered over you and you feel so small in his arms that he’s truly afraid he may hurt you if he holds you too tightly. 

“What brought this on?” he asks after a minute or so. 

You shrug weakly. “I don’t know… probably something stupid. It always happens that way.” when you feel Bucky stiffen slightly, you add “Yeah, this all, uh….it's happened before a few times.” you sniffle. “Before i came here, that is. I don’t know why it happened this time. It’s just that everyone is so perfect and then I’m me so… yeah.

Bucky pulls back to look you in the eye and brush back some hair from your face. “I don’t know why you feel inadequate (Y/N). Everyone here loves you so much. And all of us, perfect? I mean do you remember all those things I did? We all have something dark about us, and it’s okay that you do too. But it’s not okay to hurt yourself like this, doll. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. But i’m here to help you.”

You snorted. “Why would you want to help me Buck?” you ask, voice cracking.

He took another breath and wiped the tears from your eyes. “Because I care about you (Y/N). A lot of people do. And I’ve been wanting to say this for a while, but (Y/N), I really like you. A lot. And I will do anything I can to help you.

Your gaze drops. “You’re just saying that…”

He lifts your chin to look at you again. He shakes his head. “No, (Y/N), I’m not. I really do like you.”

You look at him searching his face for any indication of a lie but there is none, and all you find is concern and...could that actually be a little bit of love? You move to hug him again. “Thank you, Bucky.” you say. 

“Of course, (Y/N), anytime. He rubs your back. “I’m with you till the end of the line.”

[thetomorrowshow]

Slower Than Words Ch. 22

First  -  Previous  -  Next

Hey all! It’s good to be back! The break was much-needed, but I’ve missed interacting with y’all. Have a relatively calm chapter!

cw: food

~

Weeks passed, and Patton realized that lip-reading was harder than he thought it would be. Patton practiced every single day, studying the diagrams in the book and taking down notes on everything. Remus had at first practiced with him by saying a phrase and having Patton guess, but they had quickly realized that it was too advanced at this stage. Now, Remus held up a notecard with a phrase or word and said it. After going through five different different notecards, Remus would start over again without displaying the notecards. This helped Patton grasp it much quicker, and he had advanced to picking up several words that his therapists spoke in everyday conversation.

Sometimes, when he felt really excited, Patton would mimic the diagrams in the mirror, making the mouth movements for his own name, Remus's name, and Virgil's name. He already knew what his own name looked like, he found—he'd been unknowingly able to recognize it for years.

Patton always had the same translator at his doctor and therapy appointments, so he asked her a few questions about lip-reading and speaking. The woman was able to answer, usually, but there was rarely any time to get into a conversation. The woman did recommend some online resources and teachers for learning to speak, which Patton passed along to Remus. Patton didn't really understand the whole online thing yet. Virgil had tried to explain it several times, but it didn't make a lot of sense. Where did all of the information come from? Who put it there, ready for everyone to use? How was it usable?

Patton had learned how to use the internet in basic terms. He knew how to look for something in specific on Google, and he knew that Youtube was a thing because Remus liked showing him videos from it. Youtube had captions, unlike the television. Patton had found himself watching a lot of comedy videos, sometimes writing down the best jokes from them. He had a cheap blue notebook that he wrote the jokes and his notes in, and he kept it under his bed, like he used to do with his journal back ho—back at the cult.

Patton had researched the cult briefly on the internet, but had quickly become upset at seeing his own face on the cover of one of the articles that popped up. He'd closed it after seeing that several of the scientists, as well as the two prophets, were facing legal charges. That was all he'd needed to know.

Well, not really all. He'd been looking for any mention of Virgil. The one he'd read had mentioned him briefly, if not by name, and was now written in Patton's notebook: Investigations began after the appearance of two young men, both of whom required immediate medical care.

One was Remus. The other had to be Virgil. That meant Virgil was alive somewhere. Patton wondered if Virgil too was reading the articles, seeing that Patton was out, wondering how to find him.

Gosh, Patton missed him.

Right now, Patton was following along with a video on tongue movements for forming different letters. He wasn't sure that he was getting the S quite right, he'd have to ask Remus later. He took a few more notes on how to do it, then folded his notebook closed and took Father's laptop off incognito. Remus had taught him how to turn on and off incognito mode with a little wink, and now Patton used it almost every time he was on the laptop, which was only while Father was at his second job. For some reason, Patton felt that he wouldn't be allowed to do this.

He was just in time out of Father's room for Remus to get home from work, shooting him a fingergun (Virgil used to do those all the time) before throwing himself onto the couch. Patton longed to shake his shoulder, ask him for help practicing, but Remus was always tired right after work. Patton wasn't sure what he did, only that he was trying to find something else that paid better, so sometimes he would be out for hours after he was supposed to be home looking for a new job.

Patton slid into his room, flicking the light switch to turn it off. He rarely sat in his room with the light on, it made him uncomfortable. It almost felt as though someone was watching, though he knew that it was just a response developed from a traumatic situation, as his therapist had told him.

He'd barely been in his room for thirty seconds when Remus wandered in. He gestured to his mouth, and Patton watched carefully as he spoke.

“You - - - - to eat pr - - - - -.”

“One more time?” Patton signed. Remus repeated himself, but Patton still didn't pick it all up, so he asked Remus to sign it.

“You need to eat protein,” Remus signed slowly. “Diet time.”

Patton wasn't particularly hungry, but a part of regaining his body mass and retraining his body to eat normally was eating six or seven small, 'enriching' meals instead of three big ones. Remus was right, Patton realized as he checked the clock—it was time for his protein supplement, a meal usually made up of beef jerky and peanuts. Yay.

-

The weeks turned into months, and Remus decided that it was time for Patton to get some real world practice. Sure, he'd been going to therapy and all, but those folks rarely talked to him. It was time to play to Logan's weaknesses.

He brought it up over dinner one night, when Patton had already gone to bed. It rubbed him the wrong way that Logan sent him to bed instead of letting him stay up and talk to his pops, who had only been home for ten minutes. Sure, Pat had a schedule or whatever, and he had to follow it to stay healthy, but it should be his own decision. Still, there was nothing Remus could do about it. Except maybe this.

“So, when's your next day off?”

Logan shrugged. “I believe I have the morning of next Wednesday off, but that's all for next week. Why?”

Remus twirled his fork through the cheap macaroni and cheese, pretending to not be too interested in the outcome. “Just thinkin'. Pat's almost out of books again, we should probably make a trip to the library.”

Logan smiled softly at the suggestion—or maybe at Patton's name. There was no telling with the man.

“And his therapist's been saying he needs to go to a new place for enrichment or something like that. Wouldn't—”

Logan's face had already shuttered. “Absolutely out of the question. I cannot—”

“Lo, he really wants to,” Remus pleaded, letting his fork fall to the table. “He's gotta get out of this house. And what better place than a quiet library, where it's easy to watch him and sometimes there's a cop hanging out?”

“Remus, I—I can't,” Logan said, his face still stone, but now his eyes had grown sad. “I cannot, in good conscience, allow Patton to be in an unsafe environment. If I lost him again. . . .”

“You won't,” Remus cajoled. “I'll come too, watch him be safe. Just imagine how much he'll love it! Father-son bonding and all that crap!”

Logan looked down at his plate, clearly thinking deeply. Remus could almost see him weighing the options in his head. Internally, his heart rabbited, but externally Remus was the picture of calm. Hopefully. Maybe. He was probably not, but he could dream.

“I'll consider it,” Logan said eventually. “You are correct in assuming that the library is a place I would very much like to share with him. Tomorrow after tutoring Andy I will stop at the library and inquire after safety precautions. By Monday, I will have my decision.”

Remus leaned back, picking his fork up again. That was as close as he was going to get Logan tonight. If he continued to push it, Logan would completely shut down the conversation and then there'd be no chance of getting Pat out of the apartment.

They'd been watching a stupid black-and-white movie a week or three ago, and one of the characters had said a line that Patton had obviously related to. Remus had looked over to see tears brimming after the old man on screen said, “I thought I was supposed to be getting fresh air. So far, I've been in a train and a room, and a car and a room, and a room and a room.”

That probably really sucked for Patton. Remus went stir-crazy in this tiny apartment, and he was able to leave whenever he wanted. Patton left three times a week, and went straight to his appointments and then straight home. One of his doctors had actually just switched over to doing virtual appointments, so Pat was only leaving twice a week now. Kid had to be going insane.

-

Patton felt a bit like he was going insane.

He marked a tally in his notebook every day, one for each day that he had been out without Virgil. It sort of was a continuation of his tallies in the cell, but he couldn't remember where he had left off, so he had just started anew.

He had just filled a second page of tally marks. It had been months since he'd escaped, even longer since he'd seen Virgil. Every time Remus tried to tell him that everything was going to be okay, or Father told him that everything was okay, Patton felt anger simmer in his stomach. It was not okay, it couldn't be okay, it would never be okay without Virgil. Even if he had to be trapped in this horrible apartment for years, it would be wonderful with Virgil by his side.

Every day, he followed the same schedule. Therapy exercises, meals at precise times, lip-reading studies, regular reading, bed at ten PM. It was terrible.

He couldn't help but feel excited, though. He was leaving, at least for a little bit! Father had asked him if he wanted to go to the library with him tomorrow, and Patton had thought his heart was going to drop out of his chest. Both Father and Virgil had told him about libraries, and how beautiful they were, and how many books were always there.

Patton was finally going to a new place, and it was the library. All of the anger he'd been feeling over the past weeks had washed away, replaced only with anticipation. Even with Father there, this had to be the best thing to happen in months.

~

Taglist: @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404 @broken-pencils @thewhimsicallibrarytech @doomllily @hereissananxiousmess @judyismydog  @arodynamic-enby @at-that-one-nerd @therapysides @awkwardandanxiousfander @thekitchenpan @im-an-anxious-wreck

[captaindibbzy]

Ok so this week's Maintenance Phase is about the Obesity Epidemic, and they talk about the B roll of news footage they like to play of fat people's bodies, filmed covertly from across the street, with the head cut off the image. You know the one they like to play when ever they talk about how bring fat WILL KILL YOU etc, where they asked for no permissions to use these people's bodies like this. That shot.

So Mike says how the best way to deal with this is to get in a van, drive around, find the camera crews who have done this and smash the camera to pieces, then set it on fire.

And I've just been grinning to myself envisioning this sort of sketch show led by a group of fat people and a sketch in the show where they're all dressed up as vigilantes, and they get a sort of bat signal, all pile in to the big black van and go out and do this. Envision 5 big fat people dressed in gorgeously fitted clothing, black leather coats, dark sun glasses, very punk, stepping out a big black van and they do that V hero shot.

Then my mind wandered off to what other sketches these people could do and I think it would be hilarious, cause part of it is reversing the jokes that people always tell about fat people, part of it is highlighting how much bullshit goes on, part of it is portraying fat people as just people getting on with life.

Like envision a sketch with a fat person out shopping with a skinny person and they try on the same outfit in two different styles and the skinny person comes out the changing room with it looking good, and the fat person comes out and it's that stupid thing where the designers have just made it bigger in all directions so the arms are down to the knees.

Or a fat person turning up at hospital with a deliberating injury and the doctor looks at them and goes "hmm. Well first things first I think you need to lose some weight." "CAN WE PLEASE REATTACH MY LEG FIRST PLEASE?" "Oh, but the obesity epidemic is very important. You're not currently showing any signs of it being a problem but in the future it might be a problem. So we're going to prescribe you some exercise and a diet. Have you thought about weight loss surgery?" "MY LEG IS HANGING BY A THREAD AND I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN RIGHT NOW!"

Like the joke is never that the people are fat. The joke is the ridiculousness fat people have to go through in society. Sometimes the joke is that the fat person is happy despite the best attempt of people to make sure they're not. And I just think it would be Fucking Hilarious as a sketch show.

[cytusimagines]

How about characters actions when their partner is a diabetic?

This is probably the longest post I’ve made and I’m so sure I may have gotten some things wrong, but here we go!

Cytus Characters With a Diabetic S/O

Aroma/PAFF

-So I like to think that PAFF has probably the best healthcare and will get you on that plan ASAP

Insulin is expensive, that she knows

If she can bring down the costs for you, she’ll do it

Hell she might as well buy your medication She does by the way

-You cannot convince me that Aroma does not have a planner

Inside it is her schedule for meetings, interviews, concerts, etc.

But she always makes time for you

Especially to make sure you’re eating on a consistent schedule and checking your levels

Will move everything around her schedule when you mention that you have a doctor’s appointment coming up

Will also attend said appointments to make you more comfortable

-She is aware of what you can or can’t eat

Sometimes when you have dinner with her and Helena, she helps cook

This is to make sure Helena doesn’t do anything that could make your levels too high or too low

Of course she always asks for your input

-Overall a loving and supportive partner to her S/O

Neko

-Let’s be real, she’s not the best equipped to help

-But as long as you explain to her what she should do, she’ll be fine. Maybe.

-Will hound you about your insulin and levels if she suspects something off

“Don’t lie to me Y/N! Nothing gets past Neko!”

If you thought she was annoying before, she will be even more annoying if you even forget for a nanosecond

Sometimes she forgets though, especially in between streams and making music

-Please help Neko understand it more so she’s not constantly panicking about your health

-Honestly she does her best to help, but you’ll have to give her reminders to relax from time to time

Nora & ROBO_Head

-Nora knows how challenging something like diabetes can be to have

She doesn’t have it, but considering that the Ender virus took her ability to walk, she at least shares the sentiment

-She programs ROBO to have an alarm when it’s time to check your levels and take your insulin

-She can also be pretty strict when it comes to your diet/meal plan

You’re always allowed to give her feedback, but you can also tell her to tone it down if you think it’s too strict

It’ll take some time to adjust, but she will listen to you

-Where Nora is lacking in emotion, ROBO picks up the speed for her

On days where you beat yourself up, he’ll play you some music he made to make you feel better

His screen will show a pixelated heart to let you know that he loves you

Nora understands that it’s hard to keep everything balanced and in check, so she reminds you that there is always tomorrow to do it right

Ivy

-Walking database based on everything she’s been seeing on the cyTus network

-Let’s not forget that she is slowly gaining a “human” side to her as her research went on

She’s protected humans in the past from dangerous situations

So to see that she is protective around you is not surprising

-I think when you two are in private, she knows you can take care of yourself just fine

-It’s when you’re out in public going to a restaurant that she starts to worry

She will make it clear to the staff of any changes you would want to the item you want to eat

She may not be a Karen, but she can probably exert that energy off to the staff

You’ll probably need to talk to her about letting you do the talking when it comes to ordering your food from now on

But be patient, she’s still pretty new to this

Crystal PUNK/Cherry

-Sherri has some family that are diabetic, so she knows what they go through

That doesn’t mean their experiences are the exact same as yours

-She doesn’t hover over you about your diet or when to take your insulin

You should know how to take care of yourself

Will give you small reminders just in case you forget though

-Cooking dates will become a thing

She wants to learn how to make your favorite foods

She also wants to learn more about what you can and can’t eat

Please give her kisses for a good job

-Overall she won’t baby you about it and knows you’re able to take care of yourself

Vanessa

-So let’s say Vanessa survived the final events of the game and Ivy & PAFF were able to fix both her body and core

She’s back to being kind hearted and more stable than she ever has been before

She was also able to escape from A.R.C since they were using her to keep the cyTus network up and running

-Years of knowledge don’t necessarily prepare her to help with diabetes

It may have been around since her time or it may have developed after The Decommission, I don’t have the answers exactly

Regardless, she’s just not prepared

You’ll have to tell her more about it and how it affects you

-Despite being unprepared, she is more than willing to put in the effort and help you live a normal life

As normal as it can be since she’s still recovering from what happened to her

She’ll most likely go to Ivy for help since Ivy has lived upon humans longer than her

-Chances are with time, she will know more based on your experiences and anything she’s researched with the help of Ivy

Xenon

-First thing’s first- teach him about diabetes!

I promise he wants to learn more about it and how it affects you

Is it Type 1? Type 2?

What type of medicine do you take and how many times a day?

Is there any food you can’t eat at all?

Tell him everything please-

-You bet he made a spreadsheet and spent the next few nights researching everything he could find on diabetes

-He can’t go to your doctor appointments most of the time since work keeps him busy, but when he does he asks them multiple questions

Cares so much about your health, even if it sounds like he’s being rude to them

-Will help you with formulating a good diet based off what he knows about diabetes and what the doctor recommends

Obviously you’ll have to give him some input since you know your body the best

-Has a schedule on when you should check your levels in case you forget

ConneR

-Very knowledgeable man, we love that

He has no knowledge of how diabetes works and assumed the worst when you told him

You had to inform him of how it actually works and how it’s affecting you on a daily basis

-Now he doesn’t panic, but he sure was worried for a second there

-You know, he would be extra and write a whole ass song for you

It’s based on your experiences and everything you’ve told him about diabetes

He’ll play it for you when you’re having a bad day or feeling upset about having to deal with it

-Tea time is his favorite time of day with you

He does love a good cake with his tea, but he won’t have it around you

-He’s also not afraid to correct anyone who spreads misinformation about diabetes

Why anyone would do that, he has no clue

He’ll go after them though, that shit is not allowed so long as he lives on the internet

Joe

-My man respects the fuck out of you!

You cannot look in his eyes and not see how much love he has for you!

And you got diabetes? Shit, he doesn’t care- he loves you for you!

-With that being said, he’s stupid and has on occasion slipped up on what you can’t eat when he’s cooking dinner

“Babe, how come you’re avoiding that?”

“Because I can’t eat it.”

“Son of a bi-”

-He is doing his hardest to cook you delicious food while working with your meal plan

I think it calls for good job kisses and cuddles

He definitely deserves it

-Anyone at the bar that decides to make fun of his S/O gets whopped by a pool stick and his foot up their ass

He does not accept anyone talking shit about them just because they have to deal with diabetes

All the regulars know not to fuck with him or his S/O

-He’s always testing out new dishes and drinks that’ll appeal to more customers with diabetes (just like you!)

Feedback is always appreciated! He accepts your critiques very well

Also free lunch? Who doesn’t want that?

Sagar

-You picked either the right or wrong person to date

-Do you love exercise? Do you love healthy meal dates? Do you love feeling like your core is going to explode?

If you said no to any of these questions, too bad! :D

Sagar is ripped for a reason

And he will ensure that you stay on top of your health 100% of the time

-He’s the partner that will get you up at 7 am to go on a run

“But Sagar, it’s too early-”

To him, it’s never too early to stay in shape and keep you healthy

It is too early for you

-However, he does have fears of something bad happening if he doesn’t keep this up for you

The unknown scares him the most, even if he doesn’t show it

The next time you’re cuddling him, give him those gentle smooches and let him know that you’re going to be okay

You’re not going anywhere anytime soon

Now back to exercising

Rin

-She is an absolute sweetheart and her botanical work may pay off!

When she first heard about your condition, she wasn’t sure on what to do

After a long talk, she understood and took notes on what you need when it comes to her support

-She finds a few plants in her greenhouse that can be added to your food depending on your meal plan

Any time you mention you don’t like eating a certain herb, she puts it on her “Do Not Feed” list

-She can’t exactly cook and leaves that up to you. You know what you can and can’t eat, after all

-Will pick up on your schedule when it comes to checking your levels and taking your insulin

-She is your emotional support Rin when you need her

Cuddles are her favorite thing to do when you’re feeling down

This isn’t an easy condition to deal with and she knows that

Dotes on you and calls you cute nicknames to get you to smile and cheer up

She’s a shy kisser, but cheek and forehead kisses are always up to the plate when it comes to you

[uupiic]

Ok, but real talk. My mother went through a life-threatening condition during the plague. I'm not going to go into detail, but it suffice to say that it involved rapid loss of weight (and strength). Like, to a point where your skin just kinda... hangs off, because it doesn’t get enough time to adjust. That rapid. Everybody praised her (except for one colleague who is an actual doctor and who went ‘‘holy shit, you need to get that checked out!” but, spoilers, she didn’t because she was ecstatic about how much weight she’d lost), and she ignored literally everyone who told her that this was NOT normal.

Well, to cut a long story short, she got better. She’s almost back to normal now, she’s healthy, she’s having a healthy diet.

And... she’s gaining weight.

Or, to be more precise, she’s re-gaining weight.

It’s coming back. It doesn’t matter that she is eating a healthy diet and exercising (and it never DID matter in the first place, because she’s been on that diet for years and she loves swimming; like, she’d probably live in that pool if she could), it’s just creeping back, slowly but surely.

My grandmother (so, her mom) grew up in WW2 and its aftermath. She and her siblings grew up maybe not in famine, but always hungry, always poor, never able to eat their fill, and it’s biting us in the ass.

Like, there’s nothing that can be done, I can tell you from first-person experience. I was a kid growing up in the 90s, a teen in the 2000s, and I was bombarded by those stupid Eddie Murphy movies and doctors telling me left and right how abnormal I was (mind you, I was just... overweight, not, like, “morbidly obese”, whatever that means because the meaning tends to shift depending on whom you ask), and from, like, 15 years of age onwards? I’ve tried everything, and let me tell you: some of those things were not particularly healthy. I’ve had workout routines, I’ve had jogging, I’ve had apple vinegar (both as a drink and as pills), I’ve had weight watchers, I’ve done shit that, as I mentioned, was not very healthy. I’ve had weight loss pills, with the fucking blessings from my family, because “you are fat, I am sorry, but you ARE!”

And... nothing.

I gave my soapbox speech about how weight loss is mostly bullshit to two different patients in a row yesterday and so help me I’m pretty sure one of these days someone is going to say “but SURELY you agree I’d be HEALTHIER if I lost weight!” bc you can see the disbelief in their eyes. And like. Sure, maybe! You might see some improvement in biomarkers like LDL and A1c, and your knees would probably feel better. But you would be amazed at how much more good you can do for yourself by focusing on things you can actually meaningfully change without resorting to making yourself miserable. Eat more fresh fruits and vegetables—it’s hard bc they’re more difficult to prepare and more expensive per calorie and go bad faster than other foods, but they’re what we evolved eating the most of so they’re what our bodies need the most of. And walk around more; sure, cardio is great for you, but if it sucks so bad you don’t do it, it isn’t doing shit for you. And we evolved to walk very very long distances, a little bit at a time, so our bodies respond actually very well to adding walks into our schedules, which is vastly easier than adding workouts that are frankly designed to be punishing when the definition of punishing is “makes you less likely to do it again in the future.”

You get one life. It is shorter than you can begin to imagine. Don’t waste it hating yourself because somebody is going to make money off that self-hatred. You deserve better than to be a cash cow for billionaires who pay aestheticians and dermatologists to make them (or at least their trophy wives) look thin and beautiful no matter what they actually do.

[angryschnauzer]

An update for Chez Schnauz. (don’t @ me for any of this please)

As you know i’m always very open about my life, and whats going on, and want to share a update so you can understand why i may miss your tag.

First up; Little Dude (my 5 1/2 year old son). He’s currently fighting a kidney infection, which is incredibly stressful for him and us. He was due to go for ADHD testing this April, but because of covid it was all cancelled. Throughout lockdown in the UK his condition worsened and me and hubby have had to learn very quickly how to work with Little Dude when he has an episode. He despises change and for him food is a big thing, and he only likes certain foods.  A couple of weeks ago LD suddenly started to wet the bed at night, which was very unusual because he had happily been toilet trained for well over 2 years and was pretty much always dry at night. At first we thought it was just down to the heatwave and how we were asking him to drink lots because of the 36C temperatures, but the heatwave broke and it was still happening. So we took him to the doctors and they found Glucose and Protein in his urine. Multiple tests later including a pinprick test for diabetes we thankfully ruled that out, and that there is no blood in the urine (plus no pain), we have been instructed to drastically change his diet... which is so incredibly hard because he has found comfort in his selected foods, and by changing it we have to be careful how we do it because of his ADHD and we don’t want to trigger him. So its meant lots of trips to health food shops to try and find kid friendly alternatives. I also am hyper aware of anything that could trigger a eating disorder as my own ED developed when i was around 6 years old.

Next up me; I’ve mentioned before about my distain for the NHS and how they are completely biased against people who are overweight. I’ve been asking for blood tests to get my hormones checked for EIGHT YEARS. Every time i ask i get refused. I get told that whatever my ailment (overweight, tiredness, nausea...) it’s caused by being overweight and they refuse to give me any tests. No amount of explaining that i have at most 1500 calories a day, that i have dieted my entire life, that i have PCOS, my mum has had her thyroid removed at age 40 (same age i am now), but still every request for testing is refused. I know a lot of people say ‘find another doctor’ but with the NHS that isn’t an option. You can’t skip the process and go straight to an endocrinologist (if thats the right word), you can’t swap GP practices unless you move house, and even then you will get the same answer. Private healthcare is almost non existant, and is VERY expensive (yes on par with USA). My husband has some private healthcare through his work but they are being very slow in confirming if i can persue this avenue with them. So at the moment i am stuck in limbo, suffering from fatigue, back ache due to my weight, and that i am gaining 2lbs/1kg a month without increasing my calorie intake. I still exercise as much as i can, but simply by the fact i am gaining weight without knowing why, exercise is starting to become difficult and is in turn causing issues like back pain. I am in a vicious cycle where the doctors insist the weight is the cause of my issues, and will not test me so they don’t have to accept that its the affect of a more serious condition.

On top of all that i also have Aspergers. I was diagnosed when i was 38, or more to the point i was re-diagnosed at 38, my original diagnosis was when i was 8 years old which my parents ignored as back in the 1980s if you had a child with autism they were stupid... and thus i had to deal with school and life thinking i was stupid and weird, when in fact i should have had support. So anyway, a huge part of my condition is that i get noise sensitive, so on top of all the stresses of this year, add in that my child is dealing with ADHD which means he is loud and talks the entire time he is awake, and i have no escape from it, i find myself wanting to shut myself in a dark silent room just to escape the chaos in my head. I don’t get time to decompress my mind in order to write or work or just think, so my writing is suffering, and that is usually a big escape for me. I can’t concentrate on anything during my son’s waking hours, he needs to be with someone (in the same room as him) whenever he is awake, so its at the point where i can’t even go to the bathroom on my own, if i pick up my phone he’s on me asking 100 questions, to the point i really don’t have the energy to explain who everyone is on tumblr/facebook, what i’m doing, and its to the point i can’t concentrate. Tags get missed, and that’s when tumblr even does give me a notification.

And yes we are very much looking forward to when he goes back to school. Yes i will be sending him, we are in the UK and at present our infection rate/death rate is dropping daily, there have been no cases in our county for a month. When there are cases and towns become hotspots, they go into local lockdown. The school has everything planned out and will be social distancing and there is no mixing between his class and other classes. Each class has its own arrival and pick up time so parents can’t mix between groups.  Little Dude needs the interaction with other children, and the trained support from his teacher, where we can finally get some guidance on his ADHD.

[rosesastrology]

Hiii. How can I glow up mentally and physically?i feel horrible all the time and so stupid and ugly next to my pretty and funny classmates🥺. Also I keep seeing angel numbers all the time and was wondering if my guides have some special message for me? Thank you so much!!!

How to glow up mentally?

Stop comparing yourself. The people you're comparing yourself to have their own issues and path. If you want to stop comparing yourself, you have to figure out WHAT you're comparing first. You say you feel stupid and ugly. Why do you feel stupid? Do you feel like you're worth less? You are not less than anyone. You are good enough. You are good enough because you're working towards a better version of yourself. You are trying. You are alive. You're here. That's good enough. You're always good. Do you feel like you're dumber? > you have your own smarts and skills and intelligence. Why do you keep trampling over yourself when you see the worth and skills in everyone else? You are just as smart, just as beautiful, just as good as the people you look up to. Why do you feel ugly? Are you insecure? (Look below) Do others say so? The words of others can hurt us immensely but the words that do not help us grow have no value. This insult is of no value, and this friend does not serve a purpose in your life. Do you think others say so? You're letting the figment of your own imagination about someone else's thoughts rule your confidence. They have no power over you. Why do you give them that power and control? Take that power back. It's yours. It's yours. All of it, all of you is yours. You're all yours.

Practice affirmations and self-compassion. Your subconscious mind takes everything literally, when you insult yourself your subconscious will take it the same way it would if someone else insulted you.

Stop insulting yourself. We all have flaws and make mistakes, however, you wouldn't call your friend stupid if they did something wrong, would you? Treat yourself like a friend, because you'll have to spend your entire life with yourself.

When you feel good, call yourself beautiful. Admire yourself in the mirror, as silly as that sounds. Acknowledging your own worth is so empowering. More empowering than someone else saying it.

Be more accepting of yourself and others.

Wear clothes that make you feel good, even if you're limited in options you could always try doing something like tucking in your shirt or putting your hair up!

Write down your positive traits.

If you find yourself slipping into a bad habit, stop. What were you thinking about? Perhaps this is a trigger for you. Find a solution such as distracting yourself.

Have boundaries. I can't say this enough. Allowing yourself to say "No" is so empowering. Accept your boundaries, stop pushing yourself past breaking points. You're not a candle, you're a sun.

Take breaks.

Watch or read content that makes you feel good. If something or someone makes you anxious, stop reading it, stop following them. You don't have to torture yourself. Social media and everything you see is what you feed your brain; don't feed into negativity. Paying attention to your music also helps, our subconscious makes the choice after all. If you're called to listening to sad music, that's okay! Maybe there's something you're sad about subconsciously. Again, honoring it and letting it go by the next couple of days is key :)

Do something you enjoy.

Get enough sleep.

Take showers!

Take a walk when you can. It helps clear your mind. You could also go to your room or have some alone time, just to unwind.

Talk with loved ones, try to be more open about your emotions. If you want trust you'll have to give some away.

Don't apologize for something if you don't mean it or have nothing to apologize for.

Do whatever makes you feel good. It's your life. You don't have to live in fear.

Sit with yourself through discomfort and sadness and anger. Uncomfortable feelings are not there to hurt you; see how you feel, acknowledge your feelings, honor them (act) and then let it go.

Go with the flow. Let things go that don't want to stay. Whatever is meant to be yours will stay and what isn't meant to be will never be.

Make lists if that helps you (personally I don't cause I'm more of a spontaneous person).

Appreciate yourself. Give yourself the credit you deserve.

Don't suppress your emotions. You're alive to feel. You're alive.

Let go of the ways you tried to kill your pain.

You are always beautiful. No matter how you look.

Pay attention to your actions and emotional responses. Check up with yourself, why did you say that? Why did you act like that? What do you need to feel better? Is everything okay?

Allow yourself to feel, to cry, to be angry.

Some things won't work for you. Others will. Find out what works, allow yourself to make mistakes and keep that curiosity of a beginner.

Sometimes you do everything right and still fail. That's not failure, that's life. Don't blame yourself.

Revenge only allows you to train a muscle of anger that will keep growing until you stop. Resentment doesn't lead to happiness.

Ask for help when you need it. People often aren't trying to ignore you, they are just busy with their own life as well. You are not a burden, for relationships are give and take; you can never be a burden.

When you feel grateful, express it to the other person or to someone/yourself!

Practice shadow work once you feel more confident.

How to glow up physically?

Being happier makes you more attractive, inner work shows on the outside.

Exercise helps some people feel and look better, according to their own standards. However, you are always worthy of love and your love shouldn't depend on your looks. This superficiality isn't something you'd use when choosing a partner, you'd love their soul. Self-love isn't for everyone, at least not immediately.

As I said before, wearing clothes or makeup if you're interested in that, can make you feel comfortable and beautiful.

Skin care! This actually helped me a lot, as it makes you feel more comfortable with your face and body. When doing skin care, you're putting creams on your face or using masks or whatever; only to take it off and have your skin feel refreshed and clean. This actually really helps you end and start the day with some self-care :)

If a scale is triggering, don't use it. Pay attention to your physical appearance instead. Not the numbers. Do you feel better? Good! The number doesn't matter.

Find a diet that works for you but pay mind, usually take one step lower of a diet than you think you can handle- egos tend to be a dick. For me, intermittent fasting can do the trick! I don't recommend dieting too long, or dieting if you have a history with ED. Go to a professional trainer or doctor who can help you make a plan, do a lot of research and don't stick to one diet for too long. Allow your body to rest in between.

Stretching :)

Doing something new, learning a new physical skill, can make you feel very confident. Learning to skateboard, juggle or do a split can really boost your confidence regarding your body.

Dancing, even if it's alone in your room, tends to be fun and burns kcal at the same time.

Take walks.

Go to fitness, get a personal trainer who can help you.

Go to the hairdresser, get your nails done, etc. treat yourself :)

Eating healthy!

Don't punish yourself if you fail during a diet or eat something unhealthy, you are aware of your choices and you made a minor mistake which doesn't mean you're a failure. In fact, if you break a diet it often means that you should eat more during the timeframe you do have! Don't look for punishments, look for reason -> solution.

That's all I got, hope it helps. There's a lot more, but different things work for different people! Like religion, spirituality, productivity, manifestation, love, friendship, working on family bonds, pets, etc, etc.

As for the angel numbers, you can Google the numbers to figure out what they mean! Sending love.

- @rosesastrology

[miniwolfsbane]

JWCC Sammy Gutierrez and body positivity

THIS IS VERY LONG! (I just have a lot of feelings!) Also, this is personal and doesn’t talk a lot about Sammy and is just one big rant. 

Comment I wrote on the S2 preview “Also, shout out to the creators for making Sammy heavy, but it not effecting or having anything to do with her character. OR have her be obsessed with food. I'm sure other 90s kids remember the fat kid trope. Not doing fat logic, but we've come so far from the old days! As a woman who had that kind of body type growing up (had skinny friends, developed early, etc. it all was uncomfortable for many reasons. Long story.), it's amazing to see this kind of...semi-body positivity that's quiet and unspoken in a show aimed at everyone, including girls.  If I had seen this character at 13, my mind would've been blown. Kudos!!”

I’m reeeally tired and getting to that point where I get emotional about stupid stuff. However, this isn’t that stupid...maybe? 

We’ve reached a milestone, a kind of apex in American society, where being fat is no longer a running gag and it’s celebrated to be thick and/or a healthy weight. (Not to say skinny isn’t cool and it’s sure as heck better than carry 90+ pounds if it can be helped, but, as I said on Youtube, lots of 90s fat tropes were had, were they not? Every body type has their problems, blessings, and issues.) But, health is also a big issue and losing weight is too. I’m all for losing weight, but I also know what it was like growing up a fat kid, then a fat teenager in the 90s and 2000s when we didn’t have representation and people like Tocorra Jones, Melissa McCarthy,  Ashley Graham and Rebel Wilson around to promote different body shapes and/or being a little heavy or curvy while still being healthy. (Melissa and Rebel have lost weight and I applaud them full circle!)

Anyway, It is downright uplifting to see Sammy in JWCC like this! Being “thicker” than her two female friends doesn’t slow her down or hinder her in anyway. She is not obsessed with food. She is not constantly eating. Likewise, she has an actual personality and an interesting secret and backstory. The fans seem to love her. She is not dressed immodestly and she doesn’t seem to have ANY negative opinions of her body type, for now. Likewise, in a fast paced show like this, no one is talking behind her back about her weight or eating habits (again, for now. This could change in upcoming seasons, we don’t know.) Come to that, she’s fairly intelligent and isn’t dumb. Like, how many times have we seen a fat, dumb person in a show. (I’m looking at you Chris Griffin and Cleveland Jr!) This could’ve gone SO SIDEWAYS in her character creation any number of ways and I’m just amazed it didn’t. However, this maybe is attributed to the show being an action show and not a comedy? In any case, I’m so glad girls of this generation can see it. I wish I’d had it at their age. (It’s probably because her VA is heavy, but heavier than how Sammy is portrayed, to my knowledge. I’ve only seen her years ago on Disney channel.  Who cares why? It happened and I’m glad.) Please be assured, I’m NOT trying promote fat acceptance, just inclusivity, relatability, and representation. 

Like I say all the time, I’m not super heavy. I never was. As I said in the comment, I developed early and had mostly skinny friends growing up. I remember being about 11 and hosting my first sleepover and someone pointing to my arms at my stretch marks, asking what they were. I wasn’t traumatized and they didn’t tease me, but I was a little (a lot?) self-conscious. Like, can we please get the idea out of our head that ONLY pregnant women get stretch marks?? (Cocoa butter companies, hello?!) They can happen to girls that grow tall fast or, like me, you can have them all freaking over because the puberty button in your brain got stuck. (LOL?) And calling them cute things like skin lightning doesn’t really help. My limbs and body still look weird.

I don’t remember seeing many characters shaped like me in shows as a kid or teenager.  Unless maybe Simpsons characters with their pudgy bellies who may be some of the most average, realistic bodies in all of fiction, really. We can’t all be supermodels and body builders. Sailor Moon girls were all thin and leggy. None of the Magic School Bus kids were pudgy, all average and healthy (which is probably a good thing in a way. IDK. Representation is great, but so is promoting healthy eating and healthy shapes. Everything has their place.)  Disney characters were mostly animals at the time, and I didn’t see Recess until Highschool or something at 3 am, and even then, there was only Mikey. Mikey was progressive, but he wasn’t female. Closest I got was Ariel’s (Little Mermaid) sister, Adella ( https://littlemermaid.fandom.com/wiki/Adella) and even then, she had no belly and never animated the same outside of the series with not much character development or anything.

Cassie from Animorphs might’ve been a close second, but, though she was my favorite female character as a kid (not anymore), it was hard to say “OMG, she’s shaped like me!” as it was a book series with few visual aides outside of covers, posters and some toys. 

I remember seeing the singing group Cherish for a few seconds on TV once. A bunch of thick, busty, heavy black girls and I was SO EXCITED because for those few seconds on TV, there were girls that looked like me! Then some years later I found out a few of them lost weight and I was like bleh. (I didn’t follow their music or anything, not even sure how I saw them again.) Not that disapprove, health is essential, and I encourage people to lose weight for themselves, but it was nice having some representation. Except health needs to come first. It’s a two-edged sword if I ever saw one.

Don’t get me started on the sheer amount of girls with small/flat chests on TV. (No offense! See above about body types. Again, it’s about representation and seeing someone that looks like you that was not common in the 90s and early 2000s) I’m picky though. I wanted to see more representation, but the minute I saw it, I was not impressed or annoyed. To my better judgement, I saw a few episodes of something I won’t name with a curvy lead. I found her times dressing up as a man unconvincing and confusing because of her body shape. Other times I was, for lack of a better word, slightly appalled at her own size, even though she somewhat looked like me. I know, it makes no sense. Other times, I was mad at Lizzy Mcguire or another show for having skinny characters with A-cups while I was, er, way past training bras and smaller bras by 14/15 when the show was new.

Swearz, I developed (pun not intended!) this weird conspiracy theory that Disney execs have to look at the Star’s mom and other women in their family before casting a girl to make sure she stays thin/average chested for the shows entire run. Outside of one show, all shows in that era had the same thin girl body type. (And not much representation for different races for Disney back then, but that’s another debate for someone to better handle, not me.) 

All that said, my shape was attributed to four things: Diet, genetics, lack of exercise and my mom’s cooking. Not sure how much I subscribe to the “genetics effect body fat theory”, but the “genetics effect body shape” is definitely a thing! And hormones in chicken. My family said all I ever wanted when I was little was McDonald’s chicken nuggets all the time, so I think that had some play in how I turned out. It’s probably too much to get into here, and no one cares about my sob story, so let’s move on.

Sammy is awesome and I hope to see more characters like her from other studios in the future. Every body type needs representation, but every body also deserves to be healthy and nourished.

EDIT: WARNING: THE VIDEO AND  THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPHS TALK ABOUT ED AND CALORIE RESTRICTION!!

OMAHGAWWWD! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ROTTEN IN THE INDUSTRY, Y’ALL!! (Okay, that’s obvious, but you don’t really give it thought in your day to day life.)

The video gives a summary of Jenette McCurdy’s time on iCarly and the horrors she’d been going through in her younger years, which included an eating disorder and restricting calories to an (alleged) 900. Dear lord, that is sickening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCE1x_chT34

Granted, I would take this with a small grain of salt as it’s from the internet, and undoubtedly, many actresses, probably more than we realize, have ED’s. If they would start encouraging them to be at healthy weights, things like this wouldn’t happen. Frick Nickelodeon and frick the acting industry!! 

So, this was what I was trying to convey. Casting and producers need to find that middle ground. Don’t promote fact acceptance, but do not force your actors/actresses to be stick thin either.  I could go on a huge tangent, but I don’t have the brain power right now. If you have an ED or know someone that does, I strongly encourage you to get help. I’ve been in tight spots like that (I knew of people or knew people), but getting REAL help from a doctor, professional, or someone with a good head on their shoulders is better than hiding it or keeping it secret. Ten years down the line, you’ll be thankful you did and not have regret. No one is perfect, but sometimes you have to fight harder to find a solution and someone that will actually listen to you and take your concerns to heart. 

If I get negative comments, I’ll be deleting this and no one will be able to enjoy it. Think before you type and don’t be a jerk.