#stupid bastards whomst i love

[chickensauras]

Drawd some guys :U

[mlmxreader]

Hello, hello! How are you? Please find my string of semi-coherent thoughts below 😁.

Never Finished, Never Started

“Every time,” you agreed. “I’ve always wanted you, Tommy. Always… but now I fucking need you, I need you so fucking badly right now, don’t make me beg.”

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 oh my oh my..... 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃😳😳😳😳😳😳 hahaha!!!!! Okay. Okay. Okay. FUNCTION BRAIN. FUNCTION!!!!!

Tis good. Tis very very good. 🫠🫠

Fuck.

Attempts At Anger

FUCKING FUCK WITH HIS BLOODY PUPPY DOG EYES!!!!!!! MANS AIN’T PLAYING FAIR WITH THAT SHIT CAUSE he can literally get anything when he flashes those. My sweet sweet dear. But I love how just absolutely pissed they were standing out there but immediately melted with a flash of those soft blues! 😂 Same love, same.

Bend and Snap

“Forrest,” you whispered. “I trust you. You don’t have to reassure me. If you wanna kiss me, then just fucking do it before I get cross.”

JSKJSKJSK 😫😫😫😫😫🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 But man's was looking over like 👀👀👀👀👀 won't let reader know but that won't stop jim from appreciating the effort 😂. Oh my words and the pin and kiss .... okay babe, I see you.

Unwavering, Unshakeable

Forrest always worried about things that he never spoke about, but when he listened closely to your breathing and dared to look down at your face from the corner of his eyes, he sighed with quiet relief; although only lightly, you were finally at rest.

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥲

Shit circumstances but they're both together and he's out of the woods so that's all that really matters 😭😭.

Not Alone, Never Alone

I'M CRYING!!!! This was so flipping cute like what the absolute hell! I feel really awful that poor reader is stuck in a shit relationship that makes them feel as if they are isolated but how beautiful that they find themselves at peace with Eddie?!?!? With him they're never alone 😭😭. Oh and the little kiss they shared... swooning.

Eddie screaming "I finally fucking kissed them" has to be my favorite part! Sweet goof 😍😍.

Cold Side of the Bed

He knew that as long as that Willie Nelson song played every now and then, as long as you asked him to dance with you just once while it played, then everything was going to be just fine.

Just just just 🥹🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭😭😫😫😫 They just wanted to ensure that no harm came to their loves. Glad they stayed though and Eddie reassuring them that they would never lose him nor Venom.... 🥲🥰. The dance to THEIR song... I'm crying, swooning and melting all at once.

Humanity

“You’re a fucking asshole, an absolute cunt,” you wept, clinging onto him so tightly, never wanting to let go again. “You’re a fucking vile man, you’re a fucking bastard.”

FUCKING YES! GO OFF!! Bloody bastard man! Whomst the fuck told you to go on and pull some stupid shit like that, risking your life? Hmm?! You do be drinking that dumb idiot juice sir.

But the dread, the fear, the having to face the possibility that he may not return to them. Holy shit that hit hard. My words you have a way of painting such a vivid experience, I commend you, my dear, because I almost burst into tears with them.

Close

MAX!! WHY CANT WE KEEP IT?!?!? JUST HOLD THEM, YOU'LL SEE WHAT WE MEAN! But I love his little dramatic arse, "extra mouth to feed" babe, babe. We doing good sweetheart because that scorpion fits in the palm of a hand. Love that reader teased him a little though 😂. Him hoping for the night to be kinder so he could hold his love closer than just clasping their hand 🥲🥲🥲🥲.

......

Thank you ever so much for all of these lovely pieces!!! Helped cut my time to school significantly and what an awesome way to start the day, eh? And don't worry!! Your stories provide a much needed distraction but rest assured, when I write my thoughts, I do so when I have some time. Absolutely no pressure on me, my dear, rest assured in that 💕.

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀hehehehhehehehehhe👀👀👀👀 saw that playlist title!!!!! LETS FREAKING GOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AO3 you say... very interesting... love the idea of him having worked for the Delaney's before, so they have some history (but how tragic for reader to believe him dead?! Do you think reader would still hold onto the slim chance that he'd return home?) and leaving their service because what was the point if his James wasn't there. Oh and the tragedy of having never confessed his feelings but then his return .... oh yes!! I am living for this concept (again no pressure, ever)!!!!

LOVE Furiosa, the little baba!!! MAX THE CAT beibg a sweetie 🥰🥰 And it's okay, Cat Max doesn't have to live up to his namesake, we love them both, always.

Okay, now I'm fully pumped. Thanks again! Take care of yourself, be as well as you can be and I'll talk to you soon, my friend!!

🖤🖤🖤

🐍anon

GOOD MORNING!!! in all honesty, I'm very happy w myself I've got all but 1 request done and finished, and I'm now omw to get my Clint Eastwood tattoo done!!

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Never Finished, Never Started

it's uuuh 👀👀👀 they're so 👀👀👀👀👀

Attempts At Anger

literally how could you be angry at Tommy when he's there w the BEST secret weapon 😭 Tommy fights dirty w them puppy dog eyes, he's got too much power!!! reader's biggest weakness is that if Tommy ever flashes them pretty blue puppy dog eyes, they are a GONER, an absolute GONER!! tbf I would be, too.

Bend and Snap

Forrest would've DIED if it had gone on much longer, that poor man was there witnessing the power of the bend and snap WITH TAILORED CLOTHING!!! but at least he got a happy ending👀 and his reassurance that he's not gonna hurt them.... baby, I think they know that already. he's so GENTLE in, like, terms of being reassuring and genuinely soft w them 😭

Unwavering, Unshakeable

literally all that matters is that they're both alive. Forrest can't even chastise them or tell them it was silly to stay at his bedside bc he knows he would do the EXACT same - doesn't stop him being worried about them, tho, bless him.

Not Alone, Never Alone

reader needs to get the fuck OUT of their relationship and get into one w Eddie bc everything's going in the favour of that tbh. their safe place is w Eddie. they don't feel alone when they're w Eddie. they ENJOY being around Eddie and Venom. like, c'mon. it's just a shame that not everything is perfect for them bc IT SHOULD BE!!! IT SHOULD BE!!!

the kiss..... they're made for each other, idc.

HE'S SO HAPPY HE FINALLY GOT TO KISS THEM, LIKE, I SWEAR DOWN IF THEY DON'T PUT A RING ON IT, I WILL!!!

Cold Side of the Bed

they know that Eddie and Venom can look after themselves, but they still want to protect them as much as they can bc Eddie and Venom would do the same 😭 Eddie and Venom adore them, and the adoration is MORE than reciprocated 🥺🫶🏻 THEIR SONG!!!!!!!! WILLIE NELSON!!!!!! RAAAAAAAHHHHH

Humanity

motherfuckers basically in the trenches of WW1 lmfao Max is drinking that "this may be stupid, but I've got something/someone to fight for. so I have to" juice them cunts in the trenches drank.

Max not returning would absolutely have broken the reader. like, 100%. Max might be, well... mad, but reader would be WORSE if Max wasn't around bc Max is the ONLY thing actually keeping their humanity intact even though he doesn't mean to. without Max, reader would have absolutely no reason to act with respect, decency, kindness. they'd have no reason to be human, as opposed to animalistic and brutish. bc Max is the only thing that they see as worth staying human for. he's the only thing they love and even care about.

post-apocalyptic trenches lmfao

Close

I love how Max doesn't even ask whether or not it's the type of species that gets its water from its prey so it wouldn't even need a literal droplet of water once a day lmfao just automatically assumes it's another mouth. dumb bitch (affectionate).

the teasing w the arachnid... childhish jokes that show how their humanity is intact and how nothing really changes ever.

LET THE NIGHT BE KIND 🗣️🗣️ MAX GOTTA HAVE SOME TLC!!!!

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you're so welcome!!!!!! now yours are all done, I can answer all the ones in my inbox and then update my masterlists!! :D I'm so glad it helped, though!!! I'm so glad they provide a distraction, too!!!! I hope you don't feel any pressure, so I'm glad to hear it! 🫶🏻🫶🏻 there's a Saluki on my bus sat next to me rn and she's SO CUTE 🥺 she behaves a lot better than Jasper does on the bus, too 😅

THE PLAYLIST 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

ao3 indeed 👀👀👀 yeah, I was thinking maybe the Delaneys had a nice garden (curated by James' mother to help w her mental state bc studies have found that gardening can help in certain ways), so they hired a young reader (maybe James was 14 and he's 10) and his father to help manage it later on. the reader would DEFINITELY think that James is dead, but he'd still hope that maybe James is still alive - something like a gut feeling tells him that James is definitely alive. he wouldn't like James' father at all, so he'd absolutely leave once James is gone, even though Brace would beg him not to bc he also needs someone to talk to, and the reader is the last bit of James he has left. when James gets back home, the first thing the reader would do is just fucking GRAB HIM and hold him as tight and close as he can.

Furiosa is lovely 😭 although I do prefer Max bc he's got big eyes so he's more expressive 😭

WE'LL SPEAK SOON!!! I'll be answering your requests after this, so hopefully I can get some of them done before I'm off the bus (I've got 45 mins left).

[showrunnerihardlyknowher]

Okay but imagine a fantasy!au with a fairy!Jacob and Edix,whose still a catboy because he’s perfect the way he is.

Fairy!Jacob would have gotten separated from his nomadic village somehow,and after searching through the forest for a few hours,Jacob feels a pair of eyes watching him from somewhere,and the forest is too quiet for it to be his friends and family.After flying blindly to avoid whatever is stalking him,a giant figure appears out of nowhere and grabs him out of the air.

Edix stares at the flying thing in his hands that had really set off his hunting instincts and notices that it’s not a bird,but a (surprisingly cute) tiny man,with a pair of insect wings that were definitely not supposed to be bent and folded like that.

oh yeah, let's answer this prompt, she said to herself, it'll be a nice easy ficlet to tide me over until i can start working on my november schedule again!

7.3K words and 14 pages later, finished at 12:36am

--

Well, Jacob was fucked.

Although, to be fair, when wasn’t he? The fuckage typically ranged from being mildly inconvenienced when the magic he was trying to practice fizzled away mid spell to being royally screwed when he had caught the ire of a woodland creature who saw fit to corner him with its blunt teeth bared. Usually, he was always able to count on someone else intervening just in the nick of time to save his hide, though not without complaints. They varied from light jabs to icy glares depending on who had to clean up his mess. It wasn’t his fault that even now, nearly two decades later, he was still...well, awful at magic! That was the consequence of stealing a human away to be replaced with a changeling, even if the swap occurred during infancy. A human was still a human and no amount of spell casting and magical binding would change the fact that the species was wholly inept at being able to properly channel the mystical energies that came naturally to fae.

Nature versus nurture, Camellia had told him once, just because it’s harder to learn for you doesn’t make it impossible!

Granted, she was the very same fae who loved to watch him bumbling along through a spell until it ended in disaster before pointing out the obvious mistake he made twenty minutes prior, so perhaps she wasn’t the best influence to rely on. In the same vein, she was also one of the few fae who put up with his nonsense on a near daily basis with no complaint. He needed to be grateful for who he had in his very limited inner circle of support, which was a whopping number of two. Cam critiqued and ultimately taught through hands-on mistakes, but Angie defended him when others grew too irritated by his incompetence. Being a stolen child herself, it was a feeling she could relate to, the difference being she learned early on that a hex wouldn’t be able to hold any power over her if the speaker had all their teeth knocked out by her sucker punch prior.

And right now, Jacob was really, really wishing he had one of them here with him now...wherever “here” was.

It had been a stupid training exercise and he knew it was a stupid training exercise, but did he do it anyways? Yes, because he was a people pleaser and was way too eager to help when another fae foolishly asked him for help. It was a relatively simple task for any experienced fae, but for Jacob it might as well have been a suicide mission. It required him to fly deep within the forest, unaccompanied, and gather a small amount of material before navigating back to the colony.

The first issue arose with the fact that Jacob had zero sense of direction, trees and wildlife blending together whereas Cam was able to pick out every individual tree he would have passed eight times. The second was that he needed to go alone, which meant not only did he not have someone else to act as his navigator, it meant he also did not have anyone to act as his babysitter for lack of better words. He was easy prey, as he had been told many times over, both to animals and nefarious hunters. But he had simply been so blindly excited at the chance to prove himself as just a little bit useful to the colony, he was willing to ignore these pitfalls.

Even more surprisingly, the task was finished without a single mishap on Jacob’s part! It was a damn miracle, even taking himself by surprise with his lack of stupid mistakes. He had taken every precaution he could think of: he tagged the trees with a shimmering dust as a way to lead him back home, he ingrained every detail of every colorful plant he saw to ensure he would recognize it if he someone got off the path, he mentally chanted his list of materials so he wouldn’t forget a single one, even going so far as bring a remembrance charm to reference what each material looked like so that he didn’t grab the wrong one by accident. It was a pain in the ass, but it was foolproof, and it worked!

Unfortunately, he didn’t account for the afternoon storm that rolled in unannounced just after he had finished his collecting. Well, that wasn’t true, the storm had been hanging heavy in the air in the hours it took Jacob to find the exact location he was meant to do his foraging and subsequent gathering, it just wasn’t until he was ready to turn tail did it decide to unleash its fury. Had he been skilled enough to feel the static charging through the sky, he might have been able to redirect its path just enough to stay dry on the way home, holding off most of the drizzle until he was back in the burrow. But he wasn’t, so he didn’t, and as a result the storm came hard and heavy, leaving him little time to seek temporary shelter before he was thoroughly soaked.

He wasn’t stupid enough to attempt to fly through a thunderstorm, the heat of the summer making it twice as dangerous with the threat of lightening hanging overhead. The fat raindrops would have easily battered his body in bruises with how aggressive they poured down, a mistake he’s admittedly made several times throughout his life. Wings dampened with constant rainfall never would have been able to hold him up the entire trip home, regardless. Essentially, he would have been pelted into the muddy forest floor and risk being washed away or trampled by hurrying creatures also seeking shelter.

This was fine, though. No biggie. He had been able to stay dry enough in the tree knot he flitted into and the materials he had worked so hard to gather were still intact. As soon as the rain cleared, he could continue on his way.

Except when the rain did clear over two hours later, so had everything Jacob was relying on as unofficial breadcrumbs. The wind and rain had effectively washed away any trace of the glittering markers he used on the trees, not that he was sure they’d be much help at this point with the overcast still darkening the sky. The flowers he had so carefully memorized were also not as they had been this morning, soggy and dropping with various amounts of leaves and petals blown off in the storm. He tried his best to keep the sinking feeling of anxiety at bay as much as he could in these circumstances, but he knew it was a moot point. Even if it should have been a straight shot right back to his colony, he had no idea which direction that path actually pointed. Maybe if he hadn’t darted around like a nectar-drunk hummingbird while trying to avoid taking any serious damage in the beginnings of the storm, he might have remembered which orientation he was originally facing to be able to backtrack.

Which left Jacob here, more or less stranded in an unfamiliar part of the forest with no aid as far as he could tell. He had been out alone before, but never this far, just the same as he had been out equally as far with company, but never alone. This created a very unfortunate circumstance given that he didn’t know if it was better to stay put or attempt to venture back home, each with equal pros and cons in his mind. In the end, he decided to brave the trek back to the safety of his colony while he still had dimming sunlight to spare, hoping beyond hope maybe to unlock some dormant magic within him that suddenly granted him the ability to locate the magic radiating from the burrow.

So far, he wasn’t doing splendidly, and as the sun began to lower even beyond the clouds, he felt his resolve following suit. He was exhausted from flying non stop, but resting was too dangerous should he risk wasting any more precious sunlight. Every now and then he would call out, both to the colony in general or to Cam and Angie, in the hopes someone would hear his cries. When the skittering of critters and hooting of owls started to become more frequent, however, he thought it best to stop lest he attract the attention of something nocturnal and hungry. His only remaining hope now was that perhaps someone was already out searching for him as well given how long it’s been since he left on the task, even if he hadn’t been delayed by the storm. If nothing else, surely his friends were worried for his safety knowing his tendency to do poorly when it came to severe weather and directions. They wouldn’t trust him on his own, would they? He certainly didn’t.

The cold realization that no one might be searching for him made his heart sink further. Yeah, he was kind of a pain in the grand scheme of things, but he technically belonged to the colony as part of their changeling swap. They wouldn’t just leave him, right? They wouldn’t have purposely led him astray, right? No. He was getting too deep in his own anxieties again, thinking only of the worse instead of the facts. Like the fact that he was absolutely, without a doubt, lost in the muddy woods with no help. That was plenty about to worry on its own, no need to drag his self worth down with it.

Taking a deep breath, Jacob tried to steady his nerves while taking another turn past a tree he was only vaguely certain he passed once before (but was it because he passed it going in circles, or did he pass it when he left the colony? Was he potentially getting close?) yet no matter how hard he tried to calm his heart, it continued to speed up. Occasionally, the hairs on the back of his neck would send a prickle down his spine, and every time he turned around he would be met with neverending trees on a soggy landscape. Maybe...that was a good thing. Maybe it meant he was finally starting to sense something. What was he sensing, Jacob hadn’t the faintest idea, but he was certain by the twist in his gut that it wasn’t good.

So when he turned around for the seventh time to get a read on what was making his instincts go haywire, he knew the eyes shining back at him from the treeline was not something he wanted to fuck around with.

The surprise to see them at all was enough of a fright on its own, but to now have the knowledge he was locked in something’s sight made his blood run cold. They weren’t yellow like an owl’s or any bird of prey he knew, instead a rich green like a field twinkling with morning dew. It was a pretty color, admittedly, only it was a shame Jacob didn’t stick around to admire them as he turned around with a yelp to fly as far and as fast as he could in the opposite direction of those eyes. Much to his dismay, his seeker decided to follow in pursuit, at least that’s what he was assuming based on the sound of foliage crunching behind him at an alarming frequency. He zigged and zagged wildly as one of the survival techniques that had been drilled into his head since he was a child, a good way to avoid any lunging nets or mouths. In the back of his mind, he knew he was only hurting his chances of finding a somewhat straight path home with his unruly changes in direction, but that was a problem for future Jacob. Current Jacob was too busy flying for his fucking life to be bothered by the schematics of how he would return to the burrow after his escape.

As it turned out, future Jacob would never need to worry about what to do post escape as nimble digits were quick to surround him, crushing him against a warm palm as they closed him into a fist. He cried out, more so because the action squeezed out all the air in his lungs. The burning in his throat was not helped by the rush of bile he swallowed back down, trying to gulp in as much air as possible given the constraints against his hammering chest. Naturally, he tried to squirm within the hold, but he was quick to realize the hand that had snagged him refused to budge under his tiny struggles. With his arms pinned to his sides and his vision still clearing, he was powerless as the being pulled its limb back to turn him around and force him to face his assailant.

And of course, of fucking course, it had to be a cat.

Not a normal cat either, because that would be too easy, but a cat...person? He wasn’t really sure of the term they used, namely because he didn’t know much about them beyond that they were the combination of two very dangerous species and should be avoided at all cost. Granted, there were many dangerous species that should be avoided at all costs when you only stood the height of a frog and flew around like an insect, but at least fae had the advantage of magic and trickery on their side. Most fae, anyways. Not Jacob.

It was a little unnerving to watch as the slitted pupil in those emerald eyes expanded back to a larger width as the cat looked him over. It...they? he? would have been quite nice to look at from a safe distance far, far out of reach, the sharp features of lean muscles contrasting nicely to the soft, dark curls that framed his face, but it was the expression that was resting on said face that made Jacob tremble twice as bad. It was blank, totally void of any readable emotion he could have tried to use to his advantage to weasel his way out of this. The cat didn’t look happy, or annoyed, or hungry (as far as he could tell hopefully), just...unimpressed. He wasn’t even sure he caught the subtle changes of him quirking an eyebrow and tilting his head a fraction to the left as it continued to give his shaking form another glance.

“You’re not a bird,” the other said.

Yes. That was correct. Jacob was very much not a bird which cats were known to love to chase and hunt and kill and eat. Therefore, Jacob should not be subjected to any of those things, thank you.

It took a few attempts to make his throat constrict in a way that made the appropriate noises he wanted, but eventually he was able to squeak out his own affirmation. “N-no, I’m...I’m not.”

The cat hummed and Jacob felt his world skew in several dizzying directions as he rotated his hand around to a full look at every visible part of him that wasn’t concealed by his hand. The tan skin felt unnaturally hot, overheating his own clammy touch quickly which only served to worsen the nausea forced upon him. He wanted to shout out at him to stop before he lost the battle of keeping down the bile that still burned in his stomach, but thankfully the other did before he had to fight to speak up.

“Why are you out here? I thought fairies didn’t bode well in storms,” he said, seeming to finally have his fill of scrutinizing every detail of Jacob’s miniature stature. For now.

He gulped. Now that he was back to an upright orientation, he found it difficult to maintain eye contact with someone so intimidating. He could typically handle it in social interactions, even if he was being chewed out by someone for destroying half of their flower bed by accident. This was an entirely different ballpark, not only being glared down at by someone ten times his size, but someone who quite literally held his life in his hand. One wrong move, one wrong answer, and Jacob could be hacking up entrails as opposed to casting anymore spells. The mental image of choking on his own intestines as they were forced into his throat by a mere squeeze was enough to dash any bright idea of lying to get out of the situation faster. If he satisfied the cat’s insistent curiosity, maybe it would let him go.

“We don’t, I-I don’t,” he mended, not wanting to endanger anybody from poorly phrased words. Fae might be clever with their tricky bindings hidden in simple statements, but Jacob was never quick witted enough to catch someone in a contract on the fly. He wriggled his shoulders again as best as he could, uncomfortable beyond belief. “I-I was just running an...an errand. F-for a friend. I’m t-trying to get home if y-you could please let me...go?”

The last word of his request was a pitiful squeak, but he hoped the message was clear that he truly and honestly just wanted to go home. Nothing wicked or scheming, just a stupid, lost boy. The cat only furrowed his brow in response which made Jacob’s heart stutter.

“There’s no fae clans around here. Where exactly is your home?” he asked.

Oh no, Jacob was definitely not giving that information. Catching a fae could already grant a person a small fortune of power if done right, the possibilities were endless with a whole colony enslaved to a single master.

“That...is n-none of your concern,” Jacob forced out, trying to sound firm with conviction, though his eye contact still wavered with uncertainty.

Mercifully, the cat did not seem put off by his attempt at authority. Perhaps the other already knew it held all the power here and that Jacob was utterly screwed, because it tried a new tactic instead.

“What’s your name?”

“You can’t have it,” he was quick to bite out. Now that was a trick he was plenty familiar with, one he wouldn’t let the other try to turn against him.

The cat only rolled his eyes. “It was just a question, goodness. My name is Edix, because I’m polite and like to give people the ability to call me something.”

Well now it was Jacob’s turn to give him an incrediously expression because who in the fuck willingly gives up their name to fae!? Then again, it could be a fake name, a nickname even, but Jacob didn’t feel too confident betting solely on that fact. He was not going to be deterred against this potential slip up, not even to counter the unsaid insult that Jacob was being what was considered rude to the other.

“Let me go, Edix,” he said again, his voice coming out surprisingly strong. It was amazing what adrenaline will do to the nerves when they physically cannot move under the cat’s oppressive grip.

He appeared to consider this. “If I let you go, will you fly away?”

Fucking obviously. “...no,” Jacob lied. Edix wanted something from him, evidently, enough that he wanted the fae to stay longer than Jacob wanted to. After a moment of a silent stare off, one that Jacob felt himself on the verge of losing if those unblinking eyes didn’t stop trying to glare into his very soul, the grip around him slacked and the wrist tilted back so that he was partly laying down in an open hand. Open was still open anyhow, and without hesitation, Jacob sprang up and leapt off the palm with his wings flittering at mach seven to get him the hell out of here before the cat pounced on him again.

Except, the strangest thing happened. Rather than shooting straight ahead and disappearing into the treeline, hopefully camouflaging himself amongst the shrubbery with his green long sleeve shirt and brown pants, he instead felt himself continue to drop down to the ground. The speed from the freefall alone made his stomach flip uncomfortably, but the added fact that no matter how hard he buzzed his wings that he couldn’t go up, made every muscle clench with fear. The ground was rapidly approaching now and Jacob tried to flap his wings with all his might, the one thing he could do right by fae standards. With nothing else to keep him afloat, all he could do was brace for the brutal impact with the mud below, wondering if he would splatter upon landing or if the softened ground would allow him to lie in agony until the cat decided to finish him off.

With an oomph, Jacob found that he had, in fact, not crashed into anything cold or wet or bone crushing. The wind was still knocked out of him once again, enough that the sudden rush of going up like he had originally wanted had little effect as he gasped deeply for a second time. The surface under him was soft and burning to the touch, an all too familiar hold he had escaped a moment prior. Perhaps he should revisit the idea that this new ground wasn’t bone crushing like he had thought…

“Shit…” he heard Edix mutter, his voice rumbling around him just as the thunder had earlier in the day. Jacob screwed his eyes shut tight and tried to hold back as much as a whimper as he could, though it still slipped out. He fucked up. He didn’t know how he fucked up this bad, but there was no getting out of the mess he created now. Due to the angle of his fall, he was laying flat on his stomach with his back facing the cat, a stupid decision in the obvious predator and prey dynamic they had between them, but not one that he felt he had the strength to correct at this given moment. His stomach still hurt from the impact even if it had been softened, diaphragm sending an ache through his core with each labored breath.

A pressure settled between his shoulder blades and Jacob tensed, another whine caught in his throat that sneaked out when he grit his teeth. He could only assume the weight was from a finger pressing down along his spine, holding back the strength it would barely need to exert to completely paralyze him from the neck down. Or, he realized with sickening hyperawareness at the claws adorning the tip of each digit lightly caging him in, one quick swipe down his flesh could easily have the whole column exposed, ready to be plucked out like a stubborn splinter.

“Sh-sh-sh, it’s okay, just don’t move,” Edix crooned and Jacob listened, if only to prevent his death from being any more gruesome than it needed to be. After all, what else could the cat have in store for him? He didn’t give him his name, he didn’t tell him where the colony was, he lied and tried to flee, of course the other was going to put him through hell for those transgressions. Furthermore, he was still a cat, hybrid or not, and cats have always been well known to play with their food.

Jacob couldn’t help it though when he felt the touch move off of his back and towards the base of his left wing, the light touch of his nail sending a tingle sensation through his entire being. His eyes snapped open and with a yelp, he jolted to push himself up and far away as he could physically manage. Sadly for him, that wasn’t very far given the wobbling of his arms. “Wh-what are you doing!?” He gasped.

His sudden movement shook the finger away from his wing thankfully, but only a second later it returned to trace along the delicate film. “I’m just looking at your wing, it’s okay.”

It was not okay. Jacob was not okay with that idea in the slightest. He understood now what the other was trying to do; he wanted to rip off his wings for...one reason or another. To prolong his suffering, maybe, or to use them as ingredients in an unethical potion. There were several reasons people liked to rip off the wings of fairies, much like any other flying creature. Because they were pretty to display, because they were useful in a spell, because it hindered any escape. No way, he refused to let himself be subjected to such a fate, not when his wings were the only thing he truly had to tie him to his fae culture. He may not be able to grow a sapling to save his life, but he loved to fly!

“N-no, no! Let go!” he started to flail his thin limbs in an effort to gain some footing against the shifting hand trying to ensnare him again, “Let go! D-don’t take my wings!”

The poor little fae was roughly pushed back down against Edix’s palm again, the thumb of the same hand moving to curve over him and settling squarely against his back just as the finger had done previously. He was immobilized in a matter of seconds, unable to turn himself over or wiggle out from under the digit. With a strangled sobb, he focused all of his strength into his arms to push against the hold and be able to sit up, but naturally, it failed to make the other budge an inch. He let his arms crash down around him and dug his nails into the thick skin of Edix’s hand in an attempt to draw blood and make him let go through stinging pain. That, too, had zero effect, much to Jacob’s dismay.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Edix tried to soothe again while rubbing the thumb that pinned him down back and forth, “I’m not going to take them. I’m just trying to help.”

“Let me go…” Jacob sobbed again, letting the tears that had been steadily clouding his vision run down his cheeks. This would be the perfect time for Angie or Cam or the entire colony to come bursting from the trees to rescue him, any minute now. Please.

The strange touch returned to stroke against his wing, tracing near the sensitive base of where skin met dazzling chiten before thinning out into slender, translucent dragonfly wings. It was an unpleasant feeling only in the sense that Jacob hated the anticipation of what was going to happen to his beloved wings, though the touch itself wasn’t outright painful.

“Does that hurt?”

Jacob didn’t respond, opting to clamp down on his tongue to prevent egging the cat on in his search for validation. He didn’t want to lie again and risk any more punishment that was coming to him, but he also didn’t want to prompt him into upping his tactics to inflict actual damage. His silence was only met with more rubbing against his back.

“C’mon, honey,” Edix cooed encouragingly and Jacob tried not to heave at the sugary sweet nickname, “I’m not trying to hurt you, I need to know if touching your wing causes pain.”

He didn’t trust his voice to be anything but a choked cry should he open his mouth, so Jacob reluctantly settled for shaking his head once. Well, if he was going to lose his wings anyways, at least it wouldn’t be too painful of a procedure anyways depending on how deeply Edix tried to yank them out. Jacob just wanted this whole ordeal to be over, mutilation or none. The faster this was over, the faster he could get on with his next life that might reincarnate him into an actual fae.

“Really? You can’t feel anything?” If he wasn’t mistaken, it almost sounded like there was a hint of concern in Edix’s words. Probably because it meant he wouldn’t be able to have all the fun he was originally planning.

“I...I,” Jacob hiccuped, sniffling down a few more cries before they could tumble out, “I c-can...I can f-feel i-it.”

“But it doesn’t hurt.” The cat confirmed with a sigh and Jacob nodded. “Okay, that’s good, I guess. It means they’re not broken too badly then.”

“Br...broken?”

Jacob had no idea what Edix was talking about. Nothing felt broken. He fluttered his wings experimentally, though they weren’t able to full touch with Edix’s thumb between his shoulders. He tried to turn his head, eyes shining with tears that had come to a stop in his perplexion. Given the angle and the cat’s refusal to let him turn around fully, he wasn’t able to see his wings from where they were blocked from view no matter how hard he tried to splay them out.

“What d-do you mean?” he asked. “Wh-what’s broken?”

He glanced up, barely catching Edix’s expression out of her peripheral that twisted into something of a grimace. “Well, maybe not broken...I don’t see any tears, anyways.” His finger touched the left wing in question again and realization began to sink its claws into Jacob’s heart.

“What’s wrong? Wh-what did you do?”

“Your wing is, uh...bent.”

His wing should not be anything but straight, so hearing that it was sitting at a crooked angle was news to Jacob. It must have been why he wasn’t able to fly early. But he clearly had no problem going from point A to point B all throughout the day, so why had the injury suddenly occurred at what could only be described at the worst time imaginable? The only logical explanation would be that it happened sometime during the initial interrogation when Edix caught him, though he didn’t recall being physically hurt beyond the discomfort from his tight grip...oh. Oh.

“Y-you…” Jacob was shaking again, his fear renewed now that he had confirmation the cat was out to hurt him. “You broke m-my wing…”

Jacob wished he could see the expression the cat was making, if he was making one at all as that stony glare seemed to be his natural facade. He just wanted to be able to judge where these revelations would be leading them in the near future--if Edix had successfully worked up an appetite or if he was only getting started.

“...yeah,” he admitted with another sigh, “I think I did.”

On one hand, he didn’t sound giddy with excitement, but on the other hand, he was admitting he was the one at fault which, by Jacob’s standards, meant he was admitting he would be doing it again. He knew the cat must be able to feel his heart rabbiting against his chest as he started to hyperventilate. However, he wasn’t expecting to be shushed again, like he was supposed to be comforted by all things in the midst of this.

“Hey, listen, it’s okay, I can fix this.” Edix said, finally removing his thumb off of Jacob’s back. The fae didn’t have a chance to move an inch as the hand cradling him was already turning him around so he could face the other. His free hand that had been poking and prodding his injured wing came up to cup behind him, hovering but mindful not to touch the evidently fragile film of his wings. “Okay, well, I can’t fix this, but I know someone who can.”

The way he pursed his lips in afterthought did not do anything to quell the anxiety that gnawed ravenously at his insides. “...maybe, anyways. She knows a lot about tiny things like you, she could probably figure something out.”

That was probably supposed to be something akin to reassurance, but Jacob only felt his heart drop further into his twisted guts. So now he was meant to be handed over and experimented on!? For what? It wasn’t like the cat felt sorry for his actions, did he? Of course not, he was probably the type of feline that had more fun in the chase than the actual capture and merely wanted to return Jacob to full working order to prolong the fun before having himself a snack. It was only when Edix took a step forward was Jacob able to break free from his terrified stupor, frantically shaking his head and flinching away from the hands around him like he was being suddenly burned by their touch alone.

“No!” he yelled, stopping Edix in his tracks who tilted his head to the side again.

“No?”

“No, no, I don’t want to go,” the words were tumbling out of his mouth as quick as his heart was racing. His eyes, wide and shining with unshed tears darted around for any feasible escape that wouldn’t lead to his immediate capture and/or death. “I don’t want to go, I-I, I want to go home, let me g-go home--”

“Okay, easy now, calm down,” Edix’s gentle command had the complete opposite effect on the fae, leading him to brace a thumb across the little one’s midsection to keep him from doing anything too rash. He stilled almost immediately when the touch made contact, but he was quick to regain his senses and start fighting against the hold to no avail. Obviously, the poor thing was locked in a fight or flight response, both of which were impossible to act upon thanks to Edix.

He sighed for the millionth time. “Listen,” he tried, “if you want to go home then you need to tell me where it is because you aren’t making it back on your own like this. Otherwise, we’re going to Ylva’s place and she’s going to fix you up so you fly back on your own. Those are your options.”

They were not his options if Jacob could help it. He couldn’t help it very much, but it wasn’t going to be for lack of trying on his part. Bundling up all of his jittery courage as he could, he focused the budding indignance for this situation in what he hoped was a halfway convincing glare. He doubted that it was anywhere near as threatening as the one the cat wore so easily, but it was all he could manage with his shuddering breathing and tear damp cheeks.

“Let me go,” Jacob said slowly as to keep his words from wobbling too much, “or I’ll curse you.”

So much for not lying anymore to keep from making his impromptu kidnapping any worse than it was already going. If he had been a wooden puppet, his nose would surely be stabbed within Edix’s chest with the boldness of that entirely false promise. Jacob couldn’t even manage to sweet talk the petals of a weed into bloom half the time, let alone to any damage to someone through the powers of magic. Quite frankly, he never wanted to learn how to do those types of attacks, even though Cam insisted they would be for his own protection. If only she knew how much he regretted not taking her up on her offer now. Even Angie’s offer of learning how to chuck a sharpened porcupine quill into an enemy’s eye was sounding incredibly appealing.

Despite his best attempts at appearing high and mighty in the realms of magic, Edix did not appear phased by the threat that would normally have others clamping their mouths shut and scurrying out of fae territory. The cat instead narrowed his eyes in challenge and regarded him with the same tempered patience as a parent with an unruly child.

“Okay. Do it then.”

...that wasn’t the answer Jacob had been hoping for. Realistically, Jacob had been hoping for an apology before he left forever, for his wing to suddenly be healed, and for his friends to come take him home where he would never have to interact with this terrifying creature for the remainder of his life. Well, maybe that wasn’t wholly realistic, but he was at least hoping it would have made the other back off to some degree! Instead, his bluff was immediately called and the fae had no tricks up his sleeve to pad out the threat enough to make Edix reconsider.

He tried to hold out on the staring contest that was going on between them to make Edix crack first, but that simply wasn’t happening. All the cat had to do was raise an eyebrow during the uncomfortable stretch of silence as an unsaid well? and Jacob was a trembling mess all over again. Not only did he have the bitter feelings of anger and terror pooling in his stomach, he was also given the bonus unpleasantness of his cheeks burning with shame that he was unable to fulfil his promise, caught in a lie as soon as he said it. Was he really that pathetic that the other could tell he was no match no matter what bravado he tried to sell?

“Mm. That’s what I thought.”

“I could,” Jacob snapped.

“How?” Edix said with a light poke to the little one’s cheek with his knuckle, wiping away some of the wetness that remained. “You haven’t got any magic in you.”

“How do...th-that’s not true,” he tried to defend, cutting himself off before he foolishly admitted straight away that the cat was right. This could also be a bluff, a much better one, but one he should still take with a grain of salt. He grimaced and pushed the hovering finger away in favor of scrubbing his face dry with his sleeve to the best of his ability. It was only for a second, but he could have sworn he saw the corners of Edix’s lips twitch up at the display, like he thought it was cute. Gross.

The finger did move away, but not before Edix playfully tapped the top of Jacob’s head. “You don’t have any magic in you, not naturally anyways. Just kind of sprinkled over you. The scent is way too faint to have any real use.”

“You can smell magic?” Jacob wasn’t sure just how much he believed that, but it was better than the alternative that Edix knew he was lying right off the bat because he thought the fae was too pitiful to dole out any damage in the first place.

Edix shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, all venandi can.”

“What’s a ven-an-di?”

“Me,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing ever. To other creatures of the natural world, maybe it was, but as it was stated Jacob was not born into this world and thus had very limited knowledge. He didn’t know if venandi was the name of this cat species as a whole or just Edix particularly and wasn’t sure he wanted to find out lest he get himself tongue tied into something he couldn’t talk himself out of.

So instead, like the genius he was, he decided to blurt out the first thing that came to mind which was, “what do I smell like, then?”

Edix grinned and before Jacob registered the weight of his own request, the hands were pulling him too close for comfort towards the cat’s face. Despite his protesting squeaks, the fae was soon subjected to a nose pressing itself eagerly into the crook of his neck with a deep inhale. The body heat mixed with the soft puffs of warm breath over his body was enough to make him sweat, yet all he could do was shiver when the nose proceeded to rub against the fluttering pulse of his throat and down to his sternum. Each exhale was punctuated by a rumbling that worsened Jacob’s shaking purely because of the vibrations running through him as a result. If the deafening purrs weren’t enough, then the smile he felt widen against his stomach was all the proof he needed that Edix was thoroughly enjoying himself.

And yet another example of why he was such a pisspoor fae, he couldn’t even word his own questions right to keep himself safe. He whimpered when Edix moved to nose at the brown locks on top of his head, warm lips brushing against his cheek. The knowledge that behind the somewhat innocent smile were pointed fangs ready to sink into his flesh made him squirm to push the intruding face away at last. Edix obliged his physical plea to stop, snickering as he pulled back to see the burning bright red from head to toe.

“Honeysuckle.”

The fae swallowed thickly as he regained a modum of composure, “H-huh?”

“You asked what you smell like. Honeysuckle.” Edix hummed in thought, the grin on his face splitting open to reveal the fangs Jacob had fretted about seconds ago as a devious idea came to mind. “I wonder if you taste like honeysuckle, too?”

The color that had tinted Jacob’s cheeks drained absurdly fast at the mention of being sampled, a littering of freckles standing out against the newly paled skin that Edix had never noticed until the fae was inches from his face. The fear stricken expression made the cat laugh again, but Jacob couldn’t find it in him to get huffy about his legitimate fears of being consumed being played off as a joke, not when those teeth were still so close to nipping his flesh.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding…” the cat relented.

Except he wasn’t kidding when he let a beat of silence lower Jacob’s guard just enough to dart forward and swipe his tongue up the little thing’s cheek and through his hair.

Jacob let out a very unflattering squeal, a mixture of terror and disgust that came with the fact he had just been licked of all things. Thankfully, the partly coarse tongue meant it wasn’t saturated in saliva, but that didn’t stop him from trying to wipe the feeling off of him like he would wipe it from his memory all the same. Fucking hell, that was gross. Would only be worse if the mouth was still dripping with the blood and viscera of Jacob’s remains after he chomped him down in two bites.

Now, Edix seemed to have had his fun in giving Jacob as many heart attacks as he could in a single setting, cooing in mock disappointment as the fae tried to wipe off the remnants of his markings. “Oh, it wasn’t that bad.”

“I don’t like that,” Jacob shot back with a shiver.

“Well, if you do anything often enough, you get used to it,” at last, Edix lowered his hands a respectable distance away from his face to give Jacob some breathing room, “Just throwing that out there.”

Jacob shifted around between his hands, uncomfortable at the notion this would potentially be a reoccurring thing. How long would these teasing tastes last before the hunger overtook? Was he simply going to be a snack for the road, something to lick and suck on like a candy before he was eventually chewed up? The cat must have noticed his creeping anxieties because he rubbed his thumb against the cheek he had just licked, as if he was trying to help rub away the feeling of unease he caused, Jacob let him, only because he found he didn’t have much strength left to consistently fight the other over everything. In the end, Edix was always going to get his way.

“It’s just a day’s trip away, I promise,” Edix spoke up, suddenly reminding Jacob of the conundrum he was in in the first place. His wing, getting it fixed, the ‘friend’ who would either end up doing more harm than good or making him right as rain. “We’ll get you back home before you know it.”

Jacob very much doubted that.

[sapphicomenn]

WELCOME TO MY THOUGHTS WHILE REWATCHING THE MCU IN TIMELINE ORDER: THOR

it was a dark and stormy night when padme, an old man, and a beautiful nerd named darcy a find bright light in the sky with thunder and s giant tornado in it. AND CHRIS HEMSWORTH HOLY SHIT

STORYTELLING WITH ODIN ABOUT A FIGHT WITH ICE CREAM TROLLS. frosty the snow man is angry about it

GLOWY CUBE

agard. sounds like ass guard. baby thor and loki are adorable. story telling ended up being fairytail for children. WINGED HELMET

LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI

ah yes. the hammer named MILJinoNOR made in the heart of a star. ohshit walls got frosty. AMBUSH

“i swear, i swear, i sWEAR!” SHUSH IT AND GET TO FIGHTING. YALL GOT FROSTY BOYS INVADING ASS GUARD- oh fuck eye beam giant is OP.

thor is bloodthirsty, thats how you get the plot of the movie when you get turned mortal :/

loki is lovely i love him. he will never ever ever do anything wrong- oh hes starting drama between thor and frosty boys

WHOMST THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE??

“and who proved wrong that a young maiden could be one of the fiercesr warriors.” “i did” “true, but i supported you, sif.” JSHSKHSKSJSKSJSJ

HORSES ON THE GLITTER GLASS BRIDGE. this is all beautiful wtf i love asgard. HEIMDALL- thor stfu dont shut loki down ya fucker. yall are bullying loki and then get shocked he turns evil?

MAGIC SWORD IS THE KEY TO ALL THE REALMS. HAHA ROUND THINGY GO SPINNY SPINNY. heimdall tells em the bridge to frosty realm might fuck em over and leave em to die.

“we shouldnt be here.” MAYBE BRING THAT UP AT THE PLANNING BIT, NOT THE ‘WE’RE HERE LETS GO EXPLORE’ BIT. DEEP VOICE IS SMEXY AS FUCK

“You’re nothing but a boy. who came to prove hinself a man.”

“know your place. brother.” STOP BEING MEAN TO LOKI, THOR :(

HAMMER GO B O N K ON FROSTY BOYS SKSNSKSKSK

LOKIS MAGIC IS AMAZING YOU’RE DOING GREAT BBY- laughing during a sword fight because fuck every other emotion righ- OHSHIT NVM HE GOT IMPALED ON A SPIKE OF ICE

GIANT SNOW BEAST GO BRRRR. THUNDER ON THESE FROST COVERED ASSES- whY is he still laughing he got a spike through his chest what the hell dude you good?

HOLYSHIT THOR JUST CHUCKED MILNNOR THROUGH THE BEASTS FUCKING HEAD LIKE A KNIFE THROUGH BUTTER

ODIN TO SAVE THE DAY AND GET HIS CHILDS ASS OUT OF TROUBLE. thor started a fucking war because of this fightboner jesus christ this child. SHOUTING MATCHES

daddys angry with his child- thor is unworthy this, unworthy that. AND BANISHED TO EARTH LIKE A FUCKING LOSER SKSHSKSJSJ

and back to padme’s modern time wE GO

HA HE GOT MERKED BY A TAZER

DARCY YOU ADORABLE CHILD

“How dArE YOu aTtAcK tHE SoN oF oDIN😡😡😡” hes like an angry puppy

body in a photo?? pog info??? WHY HAS HE BEEN HIT BY A CAR TWICE ALREADY

STAN LEE

COULSON

THOR IS FUCKING RIPPED. meanwhile is ass guard. loki snitched for a good reason. but nOoOoO thors, friends, blame loki.WHY ARE THEY BLAMING LOKI FOR BRING IN THE FROSTY BOYS- oh shit he can controll the snow cube. backstory for loki? mayhaps?- HOLYSHIT HES A SMURF

“the casket wasnt the only thing you took from jotunheim that day, was it?” HES ONTO YOU ODIN. odin literally kidnapped- oh no nvm loki as a baby was left for dead. I WANNA HUG LOKI SO BAD HES IN EMOTINAL DISSTRESS :(

“because i-i-i’m the monster, parents tell their children about at night?” LOKI BABY EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE OKAY

holyshit loki’s breakdown killed odin wtf. my man collasped onto the staircase

“this drink. i like it.” “i know its gre-“ “ANOTHER! *SHATTERING GLASS*”

“myeu muh? whats a myeu muh?” DARCY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SKSHSKHSKS

man coulson thats a dick move to snatch up all of padmes shit- AND DARCYS IPOD???

loki do be looking snazzy on the throne👀 good for him. look at these fucker friends of thor tryna make him inbanish thor :/

BOOKS- on norse myth.? yeah norse myth

padme is sus of thor, and almost got em into a car crash. “god i hope you’re not crazy.” oh wait till you aee what happens

ODINS TAKING A NAP FOR THOUSNDS OF YEARS OR SUMSHIT

frigga is tryna convice loki they meant well. kinda hard too ngl. damn shield has beefed up security around this fucking hammer

oh shit electrical thunder is fucking with the shield tech once thor showed up. RAIN AND MAGIC HUMMING- thor is kicking shield’s ass- COULSON- who the fuck chooses a bow and arrow to shoot a target when they had sniper rifle- barton- HAWKEYE NVM BADASS ARROW GUY IS AMAZING

oh shit thor found miljjnor. mudfight but make it less smexy. epic momentt pogg.. its totally gonna fail him so fucking bad its gonna be funny

told you so.

now hes yelling at the sky like an insane person

AND got arrested :I

poor heimdall having to watch this all like a sad sitcom. OLDMAN STFU

“look its myeu-muh!” darcy needs to be protected at ALL COST. ohmygod they think thor is a solider from enemy lines aIshsksjskks

LOKIII- oh shit hes telling thor everything went wrong bc him and that a truce was- NVM LOKI IS TRYING THE HAMMER. YOU GOT IT LOKI

old man go save thors stupid ass. redeem yourself. bar talk is somehow wholesome. oh shit thors gotta dip outta town bc oldman said so. he didint listen to odin and ended up starting a war- OH CRAP LOKI DID LET THE FROSTY BOYS INTO ASGARD.

heimdall knows loki is causing trouble. good for loki. HA RHE OLDMAN GOT FUCKING WASTED BY THE BOOZE LIKE A COWARD.

padme is so awkward around thor. shes in looovvveee. awh thor snatched up her genius book from shield. YIGHDRISLE is such an amazing name for a tree filled with planets and worlds

DUDE DONT SHAME THE MAN FOR STRESS EATING

LOKI KNOWS HEIMDALL SNITCHED AND LET FUCKER FRIENDS THROUGH. HOLYSHIT THEY FOUND THOR SLJSOSJSKSKS

thor knows loki lied- heimdall knows loki let in the frosty boys, and is currently frozen soild by that blue cube thingy. AND NOW THE OP METAL LAZERBEAM BASTARD IS ON EARTH

OH GOD A SPEAR THROUGH THE THROAT MUST HURT LIKE A MF- SIF DONT DIE

LAZERBEAM STOP BLOWING UP BUILDINGS

dude things were getting blown up left and right but suddenly thor’s plot armor engaged and a car just flips over him and instead of going boom. standoff between lazerface and thor- whomst shall win? find out next week on: HOLYSHIT THE NORSE GODS EXIST

loki just watched thor try to give up his life and now lazerface is leav- FUCK NVM IT BITCH SLAPPED THOR SKSHSJSJSJSKKSKSJ. oH now it leaves

hammer go brrr soon? HAMMER GO BRRRRRR

PADME SAVE YOURSELF THOR JUST GOT POWERED THE FUCK UP

“oh my god” YOU JUST SAW A METAL MECH SHOOT A LAZER OUT ITS FACE AND FOUR PEOPLE IN VIKING ARMOR FIGHT. ARE YOU STILL SHOCKED???

LAZERFACE GO BOOM. THORS BACK BABYY

oh shit the frosty boys are on asgard- HEIMDALL NEEDS TO UNFREEZE AND WORK ITS MAGIC LIKE NOW

oh god the animation for some dead frosty boys got so noticable that was horrible.

TIME TO GO KICK LOKI’S ASS SKSKSJS- OHFUCK FRIGGA NOO. OHSHIT LOKI JUST MURDERED LAUGHY THE FROST KING.

lokis “ohshit thors back” face is amazing

loki hun what the fuck are you doing- stop tryna destory shit like a hero.

“I NEVER WANTED THE THRONE. I WANTED TO BE YOUR EQUAL!” my heart is torn :((

brothers fighting while a energy tree builds around him? sure why not. ohfuck loki got his ass handed to him- THOR WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE HAMMER ON HIM LIKE THAT SKSHSKSJSJSK

THOR WOKE ODIN UP BY VREAKING THE FUCKING RAINBOW BRIDGE

ODINS AWAKE AND SAVE EM AGAIN

IM CRYING LOKI JUST WANTED TO MAKE ODIN PROUD AND HE SHUT EM DOWN LIKE THAT. ODIN YOU FUCKING SUCK

awh this is making me sad i dont like this sad ending this sucks so much. loki deserved better then to die knowing odin hated him :(

heimdall is out of a job now that the bifrost is broken haha loser.

NEXT MOVIE: THE AVENGERS

ignore the misspells and the bad grammar its almost two AM by the time i finished watching and writing this up

[majorxmaggiexboy]

watching Moulin Rouge! The, Broadway version i guess:

idk whomst these dudes are but i kinda like them

“HELLO, I LOVE YOU” i’m tempted to say ‘same’ but will withhold judgement

aww does he just speak entirely in love songs or what? that’s adorable

i only saw the movie of this story Once and it was when i was Way Too Young For It and all i remember is being like “wow the singing is Nice” and being utterly shook by whatever was up with ‘Roxanne’ and also loving Come What May and something to do with an Elephant Love Medley...i think i distantly recall this character, Christian, being maybe sort of a dazey wide-eyed dreamy sort of character and maybe a sweet guy? idk but im also p sure Love Interest dies in the end :((( do they both die? i think- but nah bc isn’t he typing up the story on an a typewriter?

his hat is nice

fully just communicating via love songs

NEVER GONNA GIVE Y

he Wiggles

well that’s settled then, I love him.

aww are they all three of them friends now? Just like that? Did they just adopt him? And he’s just like Yeah Sure? this story panders to my exact interests so far please continue

“The whole thing was the single most insane idea I’d ever heard”

(intensely) “I’ll do it”

yeah no i love it so far this could be going places

“You shall live with us here, in dire and glorious poverty” oml

IS HE SINGING ROYALS

IS THIS A SONG-UPDATED VERSION OF??? WHAT

oooh! ooh go off!

“children of the revolution” is that an enjolras reference

i like this

oh. oh heavens

i want whatever that swing is that just came down from the ceiling

i mean i believe u satine but i mean it’s literally just a cool rock idk that they’re all that great tbh there are cooler rocks???

did- did she just say-

ALL THE SINGLE-???

BRICK????

i’m not sure about the sleeveless tux situation but it’s also kinda

👀 

oh no did she fall down? is she okay?

is there about to be a case of mistaken identity where she’s going to think Christian is this ‘Duke’ person?

is this the Wanna Build A Snowman music??

SHUT UP AND DANCE

this is kinda fun actually

the dancing is adorable

“Would you like me to call you...’Your Grace’?” “Uhm.” AHSFJAHAJ

these three buddies are so cute i can’t wow i love friendship so much

awww ms Satine :( someone pls give her a hug :(

cannot believe they really went here with the songs like. i was not expecting the updated music XD it kinda works tho

ooh that’s a pretty curtain

ohhhh noooooo the #miscommunication

Christian please be careful with your phrasing dude you are holding a shovel and don’t even know it my guy

oh no oh no

“I don’t have much money” “u what”

“MY GIFT IS MY SONG” just come out of nowhere bro that’s fine

oh heck they’re kissin

a LOT

ms satine did you not hit on “I don’t have much money” as a little clue that this man is not the duke

chaos chaos chaos

“She’s rather sick with some obscure malaise” first of all how dare you

WHAT WAS THAT

this is absolute chaos and i love it how are they literally describing a Sailor AU of their actual lives

“In the end, should someone die?” CHRISTIAN SHUT UP

awwww a hug :3

oh hey  the Duke sings nice

THIS MAN BROUGHT BACKUP DANCERS??

your name is Mr. Nasty sir that’s what it is

“Tomorrow, for celebration. Tonight? For a Friend” AWWWWWWWWWWW

Aww Satine :(

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” I remember this!

love the Friendship

OH?

mr nasty why you gotta be so sinister you nasty

is Christian what they call a ‘himbo’?

TAKE ON MEEEEE

WHAT KINDA LITTLE DANCE WAS THAT

wait was this from the Mr. McGregor version? This is famil

WE CAN BE HERRRROOOOOOOOES

WE COULD BE LOVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS I REMEMBER THIS

MR NASTY CAN YOU PLEASE STOP IMMEDIATELY

the umbrella i can’t

fancy blue coat

omg the “I will always love you” they did that

suddenly abrupt cut to he “,,,,madness,”

is this gonna be Roxanne?

LADY GAGA???

oh heck

heck

TOXIC BY MS BRITNEY SPEARS???

SWEET DREAMS??????

“I’ve been walking the streets, going mad with every step” like when Frollo was looking for Esmeralda or??

“I bow before no man’s title” OOOOOOH TELL HIMMMM

this music is pretty

Come What May heck yeah babey

ngl christian kinda needs his hair floofed.

that hat is ABSURD

the hat is too stupid oh my word i hate it

oh sh Chris you just blew the whole operation huh

you messed up you messed up so bad

agh it’s getting Stressful

are you about to offer him drugs bc if so pls dont

oh god youre offering him drugs

:(

this man is lit

oh here we go it’s Roxanne time

oH???

oh jeez oh heck

oh heck

wow

oh noooooooooo

oh his name’s Andre

DUDE STOP MR NASTY YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT

HECK OH NO CHRISTIANS HERE

so i guess getting him drunk six ways to neptune had the opposite effect of what was intended oh no

oh it’s like that part in bbc’s The Musketeers

aw satine :(

ROLLING IN THE  DEEP??

YEAH MAN GO OFF ABSOLUTELY

ARE YOU GONNA KILL A MAN CHRISTIAN? IS THIS YOUR PRE-MURDER SONG?

KINDA WEAK ON THE WAY IN BUT

DID YOU JUST GROWL THE R

aw :(

christian if you don’t drop a chandelier on mr stinky bastard man,,

GO OFF SATINE

OH BOY IS HE GONNA MURDER THE DUKE IS HE GONNA DO IT

COME ON BABY

DANGIT CHRISLET WRONG TARGET YOU STOP THAT

THANKS BABE

NOW GO KILL HIM

YALL HAVE TEN MINUTES TO FIX THIS

WRONG. TARGET. CHRISLET.

STILL WRONG TARGET BRO

STOP PUTTING HER THROUGH EMOTIONAL DISTRESS SHE”S SUFFERED ENOUGH

i hate it here

there y’all go

but just for one day :(

son of a heck

oh so

oh it’s one of those like hadestown and tgm where they’re literally

oh

awww :(

THE GREAT BELL OF CLIFTON

aw we’re back to just the three friends :(

come what may 😭😭😭

ohhhh wow

well then. that was...yeah...yeah.

[leatherbookmarking]

i. know i had that post abt qin su and jiggy finding out, being appropriately terrified and orchestrating jgs’ murder with an army of his bastards, but since i had a thought about jin rusong the alive child...

consider: the above, except qin su is already in love with the child that’s growing inside her. he was, as opposed to some, conceived out of love; there’s no reason to punish him for crimes he didn’t commit. jiggy, of course, has a different opinion, and they argue in whisper-shouting (which is, to be honest, quite counter-productive, so they quickly stop and/or move behind the mirror). they reach an understanding,

and eventually jin guangyao and young madam jin are known as the most unbearably paranoid future parents to ever exist.

healers hate them. no, young madam jin, mild pollen allergy usually doesn’t kill-- i’m sorry, it simply does not kill. it is not possible. what about colds? a-yao said he would catch a cold often as a child, what if it’s-- the chief healer of the jin sect takes a calming breath. everyone gets sick sometimes. but jinlintai is properly isolated, so unless you’re dangling the baby out in the cold on purpose (i am only assuming you would not do that), with the proper care it will DEFINITELY receive, NOTHING WRONG SHOULD HAPPEN.

young madam jin is silent for a while. chief healer is about to sigh with relief.

and then the horrible woman opens her mouth again.

the healers should just give her the baby to deal with, says one cousin to another over tea. if she has to feed, entertain and clean after the baby, she surely won’t have time to complain and bother everyone with her never-ending questions! i understand being scared, i had my doubts as a young mother, but...

oh, but you know, the father is jin guangyao, the other cousin says. this man would rather eat his own hat than have something not under control. imagine the life of this kid!

exasperated nods.

by the end of qin su’s pregnancy, the entirety of jinlintai would, without batting an eye, heartily assure her everything is on order, in fact, that’s how it should be! perfect! even if her child had six fingers in both hands and a tail growing out of its forehead.

(they, however, hope nothing of this sort happens.)

(it, coincidentally, is exactly what the horrible future parents have wanted)

a-yao, says lan xichen very gently, i really think you shouldn’t worry so much. your child is lucky to be born to such wonderful parents, and--

jin guangyao’s eyes widen in panic. er-ge, he whispers. er-ge, i don’t know how to be a father. how am i going to--? what if i do something wrong--? what if---?!

lan xichen gazes gently into the camera.

young master jin, future jin rusong, is born; the birth itself is quick and uneventful, save for, well, the baby being born. he is healthy, not too small, not too big, with healthy lungs. young madam jin wasn’t even in that much pain. gods themselves have smiled upon young master jin, people say! no, the people in jinlintai think. WE have FROWNED at young madam jin’s belly (carefully, behind her back), diplomatically suggesting for the baby to be in perfect health, OR ELSE.

oh, do they eat their words. oh, do they wish the boy was of fragile constitution, staying in bed or safe in his warm room. because future jin rusong is demon incarnate. he is also, coincidentally, the most beautiful child anyone has ever laid their eyes upon, having his mother’s dark, innocent eyes and his father’s charming dimples, but this is where his good traits end.

he is a MENACE.

presented with OBJECTS, he grabbed the brush and immediately shoved it into his mouth, almost making his poor mother drop him; and that gesture will stay with him for the rest of his life. he tries to eat his mother’s fingers, his father’s fingers. robes? do you mean a snack? actual food is of no concern to him if he can CONSUME literally everything around him. jin guangyao turns away for one!!! (1) second, yet when he turns back, he finds his son has, in the meantime:

nibbled on the inkstone

tried the ink as well

and got it on his little stupid hands and his little stupid offwhite robe

tried the brush, guess which tip

started on the letter his poor sod of a father was writing.

is this normal, whispers young madam jin weakly.

yes, says the head healer automatically.

qin su and jiggy stop worrying as an act and start worrying for real.

by the time he’s six, jin rusong has tasted most of what there is, and isn’t, to taste in jinlintai, including but not limited to curtains, floors, his mother’s jewellery, suibian (to put it gently, it was a memorable day), baxia’s hilt (nie mingjue snorted), the ends of lan xichen’s head ribbon, alcohol, the cup that used to have alcohol in it, by which i mean that jin rusong dumped it on his face, licked his lips and then the cup clean, fairy’s ears, fairy’s paws, nie huaisang’s fan, the robes of perhaps every resident, a bell, a hand and hair of his cousin, jin rulan.

he’s a horrible thief and doesn’t even notice it. he just starts idly playing with an object, like his aunt’s bracelet, after a while says goodbye like a well-behaved boy and leaves, and then several hours later comes back, terrified out of his mind, apologizing, in tears. and oh, does his crying face make everyone’s hearts melt.

he’s sneaky and his steps are virtually inaudible, and upon finding out about this fact, several people in jinlintai suddenly flash back to their affairs and feel cold sweat on their back. some suspect he has developed the ability to turn invisible. his parents and teachers are out of ideas on how to keep him in his room, aside from “iron handcuffs and an iron pole with a stabilizing talisman on it” which seem a little bit too much. who teaches him all that? unclear.

he was supposed to copy a text and think about it; he is found three hours later, soaking wet and with a new friend (frog). he’s been hiding in the lotus pond, ducking underwater when there was someone passing by. he was supposed to practice sword forms with jin rulan and an older disciple; they are found gorging on steamed buns in the nearby market. jin rulan doesn’t know how it happened, and it infuriates him. the disciple knows, and the answer is “those damn dimples and sparkling eyes” but no one’s asking him, so.

by the time he’s nine, he limits the CONSUMPTION to the bare necessary minimum (food, his own fingernails, and the correct tip of the brush) but follows jin rulan like an enamoured puppy, thinking he is Literally The Coolest. jin rulan appreciates that very much, but sometimes... when he’s trying to be cool, you know? an annoying little cousin shouting at him to COME SEE I FOUND A REALLY COOL BUG? is kind of, ruining his vibe, okay.

you know what, actually i planned to end this post like 200 words earlier, with a vaguely ominous passage about how “sect leader jin and his wife are a perfect couple! usually there are rumors, even minor, about all sect marriages, but none about them! truly an example to be followed!” (meaning: they were MURDERED). 

then i was like oh! what if rusong was a mess, and there was no assassination attempt, or rather: there were, but through food, and rusong’s parents caught on quickly and started to train their child, who likes to CONSUME, to automatically neutralize various types of poisons with his core (once he ate something that would have killed a non-cultivating adult man and only mentioned it was ‘making his tongue all tingly’. that’s very funny, a-song, jin guangyao said, and then went to have a fucking drink)

but... then... i got distracted by Chaos Child Jin Rusong... and i don’t know what happened? please imagine jin rusong, 13, seeing “”””mo xuanyu”””” and being like oh! oh! xiaoshu! XIAOSHU YOU’RE BACK LOOK I HAVE A SWORD WOW YOU’RE SO TALL

““““mo xuanyu”““““: ????? whomst the Fuck

what else happens in this au? does nie mingjue not get murdered, due to ‘being the cool uncle with a big saber’? does that mean wwx does not get resurrected? does jiggy kill mingjue anyway, and everything is as it was originally, along with the guanyin temple and there is ONE MORE traumatized person? does it go completely differently? i don’t know!!! i don’t know!!! i really don’t know!!!

[nat-20s]

All right I am back from work and it is like 12:30 in the morning and I am Elaborating for all of you that asked. To all of you that were like “no elaboration needed” im glad we’re on the same wavelength. To those of you that may in fact just be asking me to elaborate out of curiosity as to what I’ll say you’re all extremely valid.

First of all, take all of this with a grain of salt because a: I have a tendency to say Whatever horseshit happens to pop into my mind so this will almost certainly be long and rambling and perhaps make sense to approximately three people but y’all didn’t disengage when I cried about doctor who this weekend so I assume ur stickin around anyway and b: it’s been a Hot Minute1 since I last read the book, so I may misremember things. Side note: I should re-read good omens. I got a plane trip coming up so might as well babey!!!

Okay, to get Into It we must discuss Bitch vs Bastard: the difference to this dumbass (*points to self with both thumbs*). This is NOT based on any like dictionary definitions or societal contexts of the words this is about the different Feelings, the different Essences of bitchery vs bastardry, to me personally. I DO not that in this case they are not even slightly gendered even though they are technically but whatever.

So a bastard is like...a gremlin of a person, right? They are just a litle creacher and they cannot change this. A bastard isn’t, like, straight up evil, but they can be kind of a dick sometimes and when they are being kind of a dick, it’s not usually with remorse, it’s with revelry. There’s a lot of social niceties that they never learned and honestly probably don’t ever WANT to learn. Like if someone cuts you off in traffic and then winks at you? That’d be a bastard move they’d be a bastard.

Bitch, on the other hand, is more about having a fun and sexy2 time. There isn’t necessarily a delight in causing misery, or at least decent inconvenience and annoyance, that there is in bastardry, but there is a delight in eschewing the expectations placed on you. Also the kind of petty sarcasm that’s involved in bitchery is different than in bastardy. Bastards are sarcastic for sarcasm’s sake, bitches are sarcastic to point out Some Bullshit going on. When Lizzo says “took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% That Bitch” you FEEL that but if she was like “I’m 100% bastard” it wouldn’t work!! Lizzo doesn’t seem at all like a bastard!! They’re different vibes!!!!

So, with that difference hopefully established, let’s talk Aziraphale. Book vs TV. A good microcosm of the differences is their differences towards Maybe killing the antichrist. TV show Aziraphale DOES NOT want to kill Adam. He will, if he has to, out of desperation, but he clearly doesn’t want to. He asks why Crowley can’t do it for him and he wonders if there’s any alternative. Like, the only time that he goes for it is when it is swan song time and he has no back-up plan.

Book aziraphale, the absolute bastard whomst I love, is the one to suggest killing Adam and honestly iirc his whole attitude towards the thing is very: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5VTLbPtn5U. It’s like whatever ya know? Sometimes you gotta kill a kid bc heaven has shitty music and you’re not dealing with that for eternity. He is Bastard.

Tv Aziraphale’s main acts of being, like, not genuinely sweet and good are much more Bitchy to me. When he @s crowley being all like “have you got a better idea? One. Single. Better. Idea.” THATS SOME HIGH CLASS THAT BITCH RIGHT THERE. Everything he does pretending to be crowley is Iconic Bitchery. Nothing he actually does as crowley genuinely hurts anybody but he IS obnoxious and loud and having a fan-fuckin-tastic time and is doing the kind of shit he’s probably dreamed of doing for CENTURIES. Love him love That Bitch.

Book!Aziraphale is like. I have some free time during the apocalypse let’s terrorize some Christians. When he accidentally kills a dove Crowley is the one to revive it because he’s just kind of like lmao whoops. When Crowley replaces the paint ball guns with real ones his response is less the “No!!!!!” reaction of TV Zira and more like “Dude. Come on.” Honestly I think Book Aziraphale is like THE definition of true neutral bc he’s for sure isn’t like EVIL but he is straight (gay) chillin’. Like sometimes you gotta just tell some mobsters to fuck off and annoy the shit out of customers so they don’t buy books from your book “Store”. Hell the fact that he has a bookstore instead of just a personal library when you have literally zero intentions of selling anything seems like he just enjoys making people leave. I also Love Him.

Anyway tldr TV aziraphale is actually pretty nice but he is also p sassy and Book aziraphale would sell you to satan for one corn chip and they are both my dads.   

1. If you’re wondering, it’s been at least 4 years. I was on a road trip to yellowstone and reread it STUPID fast and longed for a movie adaptation and lmao look where we are now!

2. Sexy, in this case, meaning a general positive descriptor. I will use sexy interchangeable with like “cool” or “funky fresh”. I would also say funky fresh in causal conversation bc that’s the kind of person I am.

[daggerfall]

tell me what isla thinks of all the god-like beings she knows of

Akatosh: neat enough. his cultists are total assholes and got mirabelle killed :(

Dibella: sexey

Arkay: well she doesn’t very much like undead so he’s cool

Zenithar: nothing special. 

Stendarr: NOW WE’RE TALKING. well, vigilants of stendarr at least. isla’s hated of the daedra absolutely inspired them like 1000 years after her own death

Mara: if isla had to pick an aedra to worship, it would either be mara or julianos. i have an au where she champions mara because she caught mara’s attention with how fucking in love she was with darien

Kynareth: neat!

Julianos: she is a mage so he’s cool

Talos / Tiber Septim: whomst? 

Lorkhan: his stupid blood amulet fucked up a lot of shit but he DID kinda, create the world. 

Azura: mind your fuckin business azura. azura does plenty of ‘good’, but isla is tired of azura making her do shit and acting like she’s such a good daedra.

Boethiah: bitch

Clavicus Vile: stupid twink who keeps ruining her life

Hermaeus Mora: FUCK OFF YOU TENTACLE ASSHOLE

Hircine: she accidentally did his bidding for a while and is still pissed. not the worst, but still. his servant also was the antagonist of an entire region so she kinda hates him for trying to kill her new friends

Malacath: could be worse. she still doesn’t like him, but he did roast her really well one time and she admires that

Mehrunes Dagon: bastard

Mephala: hot but HOW DARE YOU

Meridia: you know damn well how she feels about meridia the boyfriend stealer

Molag Bal: punching bag

Namira: hasn’t really had any problems with namira’s followers but she still has to dislike her on principle. also, smelly. sorry ray

Nocturnal: leave veya alone!!!! also leave seht alone!!!! leave all of us alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peryite: same with namira

Sanguine: closest thing to a daedra she doesn’t hate. but that’s just because we havent had any sanguine quests

Sheogorath: absolutely despises him. has tried many times to stab him, has failed every one of them

Vaermina: she nearly killed her adoptive grandpa and ruined a lot of times. rude.

bonus barbas: fuck off you daedric furry. this is why isla has trust issues around dogs now.

Sotha Sil: funky tall cyborg friend. she doesnt really treat him like a god but respects him significantly more than she does any other ‘god’

Vivec: she kinda disliked him on principle at first, but sorta grew to tolerate and understand him. also doesn’t really treat him like a god but is a lot less friendly with him.

Almalexia: a bit peeved that a literal god keeps making her do shit that said god could easily do but won’t because she’s afraid of ruining her reputation. also doesn’t really see the level of selflessness that she saw in vivec or sotha sil that made her understanding of why their position of gods was necessary in dunmer society. 

[chonideno]

Do u have any pets mag. Or did u used to

I do not currently have any pets but I used to! All cats. 

We had a three-legged cat when I was a baby, she was very old and very sweet and passed away peacefully. 

Then we had some kind of bastard siamese name Jobard (nickname Jojo) and he was my best friend, but after we moved he left the new house and never came back? 

Then we had the softest of all cats (a black and white angora) we found at a shelter, her name was Tsarina but we didn’t like it so we called her The Cat, and she was literally a dog in a cat body. She fell ill though and we lost her. 

The last one was a ball of black hair whomst I loved but she was the most stupid cat I have ever met, and I didn’t know her too well bc I moved out not long after my mother got her. She used to get stuck in trees all the time, which is inconvenient since the house was right next to a forest. A family member grew allergic to cats though so my mom gave her away.

[ipictureitsoftandiache]

reputation was about game of thrones. here’s a track by track breakdown.

[disclaimer: i have never seen game of thrones but i have listened to reputation]

1.) ...ready for it? — p sure there was a battle recently that was “the battle to end all battles” which is what they say about every battle on this show. it was very poorly lit. idk how the fuck y’all kept track of who died. i think they were fighting the walking dead? anyways the soldiers of winterfall sang “...ready for it?” to pump themselves up before they battled jack frost and his army of the undead. they couldn’t afford food so to get them ready jon snow just hooked up his spotify to the castle speakers but he can’t pay for premium because he’s a bastard so they all just stood there while a 30 second ad played. jack frost has apple music.

2.) end game (ft future and ed sheeran) — very clearly about game of thrones as it literally has game in the title. about taylor’s desire for peace and stability in westernos with a single benevolent monarch. ed sheeran cameos as his character in that one episodes. future cameos as the only person of color in the show.

3.) i did something bad — taylor says this is about sansa and arya because duh it’s so obvious we’re so stupid for thinking anything else. the bridge is about all the people daeyneres (whomst the fuck expects me to spell this) burns alive with her dragon children. the bitterness — “go ahead and light me up” — indicates the resignation of the peasantry to the increasing likelihood that they’ll be barbequed at any moment by flying reptiles.

4.) don’t blame me — aren’t there a bunch of weird religions on this show? i’ve seen monks saying cryptic shit about chaos but honestly idk.

5.) delicate — refers to the delicate nature of ruling a kingdom and how easily it can be thrown out of balance. idk how many kings have died on this show (didn’t one die shitting? or did i just imagine that?) but i imagine before they were executed their “reputation [had] never been worse.” could also refer to the delicate nature of romantic relationships on this show, the uncertainty you feel about sleeping with someone because they might be your cousin. ah, the line between romance and incest......it’s just really delicate, you know?

6.) look what you made me do — arya stark according to miss swift. didn’t the game of thrones cast sing along to this for a twitter video? this is also about all the horses that have been slaughtered throughout this show — their hooved brethren shall avenge them and seize the iron throne.

7.) so it goes... — this is how the citizens of vestorhoes feel whenever some new asshole assumes the throne. “oh, the king was strangled to death with his own intestines, and now we have a new king, his inbred 7-year-old son, controlling our economy and protecting us from our neighbors that always want to fucking battle us for some reason? well, so it goes....”

8.) gorgeous — this is how all the nobility feel about their first cousins. also “you should take it as a compliment that i got drunk and made fun of the way you talk” refers to two serious issues in easternbros: alcoholism and xenophobia.

9.) getaway car — getaway horse?

10.) king of my heart — danaries and aqua man love song apparently. didn’t he rape her? yikes.....

11.) dancing with our hands tied — isn’t one of them missing a hand? jamie? jamie oliver? this song doesn’t apply to him.

12.) dress — whatever fuckin incest couple is happening atm. probably multiple. isn’t jon snow boning his aunt? i feel like this is not an issue we should be having so often. this could be avoided with a simple ancestry dot com test.

13.) this is why we can’t have nice things — about whatever fuckin noble is being betrayed today. what do the poor people do on this show? they should use this song to unify the proletariat so they can overthrow those inbred assholes and maybe stop starving every winter.

14.) call it what you want — ned stark. he was king right? then he had his wig and head #snatched by cersei and her weird son jeffrey. his castle crumbled overnight. they took the crown (of his head) but it’s alright. he’s walking with his head down (because it’s no longer attached to his shoulders).

15.) new year’s day — what they listen to as they clean corpses off the golf courses after the latest bloodbath orchestrated by some rich asshole who just wants to sit in the metal chair.

[sapphicomenn]

WELCOME TO MY THOUGHTS WHILE REWATCHING THE MCU IN TIMELINE ORDER: THE AVENGERS

“the tesseract has awakened” oh you mean the glowy cube from captain america AND captain marvel? THAT glowly cube?? cool looking stairs- ew who tf are you? the grim reaper??

what the fuck is a chitauri and why does it sound like sea food. “a world will be his. the universe, yours.” STOP BLAMING THE PRONOUN GAME AND GIVE ME NAMES FFS

ooo shield base. “not a drill.” oh shits going down- COULSON. FUURRRYYY FUCK YEAH. the best marvel characters are here the movie has peaked- oldman from thor is here?? intoresting. and who the hell is this woman tryna question fury??

the glowy cube is a shE???????? HUH??????? oh hey its hawkeye the badass archer guy. oh shit things are going down. the cube is sparking and swirling??- IT OPENED A PORTAL

LOKKIII YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD WELCOME BACK. HE HAS A SHOOTY MAGIC SPEAR LIKE A BADASS. he just took out a bunch or shield with a shooty spe- OHMYGODS HE CAN CONTROL MINDS WITH IT.

“loki. brother of thor.” OLDMAN STFU

GUNS GO PEW PEW ALONG SIDE A GOOD OLD CAR CHASE SKSHSKKSHS. RUN FURY RUNNN. the portal imploded on itself like a moron hA

WHO TF NAMES THEIR CHILD “HILL” WTF. “we are at war.” NO SHIT SHERLOCK A NORSE GOD STOLE THE CUBE YOU WERE SUPPOST TO PROTECT

tis a train and a old building- NATASHA. how tf were you taken hostage? im so glad i have subtitles on otherwise i wouldnt understand a thing these ppl are saying. HOW TF IS SHE KICKING ASS WHILE TIED TO A CHAIR WHAT IN THE HELL-

oh his leg deff broke once he fell off the ledge tied to a chain. cut to a lil gorl running to find a doctor- who tf this is of course. THIS GUY IS BANNER??? i mean im glad they changed the actor but wtf. “theres no one that knows gamma radiation like you do.” YA DONT SAY, ROMANOFF. “STOP LYING TO ME” JESUS FUCK THAT MADE ME JUMP

oh damn shield has their own O5 council? cool. EXPLAIN WHAT PHASE2 IS ALREADY. also dont say thor is bad he is a giant puppy dog with a war-boner.

oh hi steve, working off that PTSD by beating the shit out of a punching bag ay? oh right steve knows the glowy cube. “at this point i doubt anything would surprise me.” “ten bucks says you’re wrong” welp ya owe him ten bucks steve

“is there anything you can tell us about the tesseract to help us now?” “you should’ve left it in the ocean.” WELL THAT HELPS ALOT DOESNT IT. hello there iron man, at the bottom of the ocean.? sure why the hell not

aye stark tower’s about to have clean energy, yay stark! “stark tower, is your baby.” how do you give birth to a tower.???????? KSHSJSHSKSJS COULSON BROKE INTO THE TOWER “is first name is agent.” TONY SKSHKSSHKSVSKSHSKS

*whisper whisper whisper* yeah she bribed tony with sex so he’d work on the avengers and stuff. “the guys like a stephen hawking.” “. . .” “hes like a smart person”

awh coulson is fangirling over steve- watched you while you were sleepin- man you’re awkward. you adorable dumbass. ohshit underground musky lab- OLDMAN AND LOKI

the world is breaking around loki. sea food army is restless- shut the fuck up you stupid looking eye wrapped bastard. WHO THE HELL IS THIS HE?????? welcome back to earth you smexy man

FLOATING WATER BASE

back to avenger tingz. man coulson is the biggest cap fan- oh its a giant sub- NO ITS A GIANT FLYING BASE HOLYSHIT SHIELD THATS AMAZING.

now we go into the meetings and talking related stuff :I yey. “lets vanish” wdym- IT HAD A CLOAKING DEVICE. HA STEVE JUST GAVE THE TEN HE OWED SKSHSKHSKSJS

i dont understand a word of all the science stuff they just said but yay. “i need a distraction. and an eyeball” barton what the fuck why do you need an eye.?

oh lokis in germany, at a very fancy party might i add. loki is best boy ever. even if he just bonked a the head/ OHMYGOD AND STOLE HIS FUCKING EYE JESUS CHRIST INFRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE.??????

“i said. KNEEEEL” dont need to tell me twice-

blagh villain speeches are the worst. why tf did this old guy stand up “not to men like you.” shut up. SHOOT HIM- wtf. steve what the hell are you wearing? what the fuck is that- aye tonnnyyy!!!! he hacked into the jet thingy and started playing music from the speaker thats the best.

CAPSICLE SKSHSKSHKSHSKSJ- ohfuck thunder. THOR WELCOME TO THE PARTY. “im not overly fond of what follows” WKVSKSBSKSHSJS

HE JUST BROKE INTO THE JET AND STOLE LOKI FROM EM. “theres only one god ma’am. and im sure he doesnt dress like that.” cap stfu

“i thought you were dead.” “did you mourn.” damn loki thats harsh. thor is angy at his brother. “you listen well brot-ARGH” “..im listening?” STARK YOU CHOSE THAT MOMENT TO BODY SLAM THOR OFF THAT CLIFF AND LEAVE LOKI BEHIND? REALLY?

“.. tourist.” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT KICK HIS ASS, THOR. DONT KILL HIM WITH LIGHTNING THO

if someone throwed me against a tree i wouldnt be walking. im just saying

“THATS ENOUGH.” cap did you think that would work?? and how the hell did your dinner plate stop the power of thor

loki do be in jail tho. how’s this gonna go wrong- oh he smiled at banner. THATS how it goes wrong

tell him off fury! “you have made me very disapoin-“ OH NVM HE SAYS DESPERATE IGNORE THIS

“uNlimiteD pOoWeRRRRR”

“let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.” good comeback fury. i think

“loki is beyond reason, but he is of asgard. and he is my brother” “he killed 80 people in two days.” “he’s adopted.” KSBSKSJSJSJSK

“that man is playing galaga. he thought we wouldnt notice, but we did.” TONYKANSKSHKSJSKSJ tony is a fucking legend. “finally someone who speaks english!” “is that what just happened?” steve stfu you’re a fighty man not a smart man

“i do! . . . i understood that reference.” steve nvm keep talking please. PLEASE THE MAN IS STILL PLAYING GALAGA SOSJSKSJSJKS

why is tony eating blueberrys- where the hell did he get blueberrys. “we have orders. we should start following them.” steve you tried to get into the army under fake locations for months AND broke into a german base when you were a showpony. stfu about following rules

“so you’re saying the hulk.. the other guy? saved me” yes. yes we are saying that, banner. aye steve go break into shit like you’re suppost to :D

oh hi again oldman, welcome back. yay shield saved padme, and awh oldman talked about thor alot. thor i love you alot. loki just tell nat where tf you left barton :/ oh barton was sent to KILL nat?? not hire her?? well that went downhill. whomst the hell is dreykov- sao paulo- the hospital fire???? hawkeye wtf why’d you spill it all to loki.

mewley quim wtf kind of insult is that- oh damn nat figured out the hulk is lokis next plan of attack. PHASE TWO IS TO USE THE GLOWY CUBE TO MAKE FUCKING WEAPONS? SHIELD WHAT THE HELL

HA FURY TRIED TO LIE IS WAY OUTTA IT BUT BC STARK HACKED INTO IT ALL HE JUST EXPOSED HIMSKHSKSJSKS

WAIT THEY WERE MADE FOR THOR AND ASGARDIANS? WHAT THE FUCK SHIELD- oh damn lokis staff is the reason they’re all at eachother. probably

“yeah. big man in a suit of armor. take that off what are you?.” “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.” well you’re not wrong

guys stop fighting, HAWKEYE IS BREAKING IN. “in case you needed to kill me. but you cant. i know, i tried.” awh thats sad, i wanna hug banner so bad :(

OHSHIT AN ENTIRE WING GOT BLOWN UP THE FLYING BASE IS GOING DOWN- HULKS COMING OUT THATS NOT GOOD. the transforming is scary- RUN NAT

loki stop smiling because the plan is going your way. “it seems to run on some form of electricity.” “well you’re not wrong” tony stop being funny this isnt fair

HULK JUMPSCARE JESUS CHRIST- NAT GOT BITCHSLAPPED THROUGH A WALL- YAY THOR TO SAVE THE DAY. HAMMER TIME BABYY

*B O N K*

hulk trying to pick the hammer up is funny. BRIDGE IS UNDER ATTACK. DO YOU THINK SHOOTING HULK IS A GOOD IDEA??? HE JUST TOOK OUT FIGHTER JET AND ALMOST KILLED THE GUY FLYING IT

CAP IS KICKING ASS- OH GOD NO THE ENGINES ARE FAILING. OHGOD LOKI IS OUT- THOR YOU DUMBFUCK DID YOU FORGET LOKI CAN DO MAGIC SHIT? NOW YOU’RE STUCK IN THE GLASS CONTAINER

COULSON SAVE THOR! SHOOT LOKI DAMNIT- COULSON NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

glass cage go brrrrr

HA LOKI GOT FUCKIN SHOT BY COULSON BEFORE HE DIES( :( ) tony almost got minced by the engine thingys

im gonna cry coulson how dare your death make me sad :(( stupid heart breaking aftermath moments.

thor is stuck in a field, banner fell through the roof of a building. awh the security guard is so nice :) barton is a fucking mess right now “how’d you get him out?” “i hit you on the head really hard.” KSJSKKSSK

tony figured out lokis plan- ITS TAKING PLACE AT HIS TOWER? THE AVENGERS IS TAKING ACTION BABY LETS GOOOO

wait a fucking moment, the cards coulson has are covered in blood. so you’d think they were on him when he was stabbed- yet hill just said they were in his locker “they needed the push.” FURY YOU RUINED NEAR MINT VINTAGE COLLECTABLE CARDS TO MOTIVATE SUPER FREAKS???

o hi loki welcome to stark tower

“stalling wont change-“ “no no, threatening. no drink? ya sure? im having one.”

“i have an army.” “we have a hulk.” HE SAID IT, HE SAID THE LINE

HA LOKI CANT TAKE STARKS MIND BC HIS HEART IS SOME TECHY METAL CRAPKSJSKSJSKS- i guess choking and tossing him around works. so does throwing hik out a window

oh no the glowy cube just opened a portal for the army of seafood. they look like creatures from halo.

BROTHER FIGHT

CHAOS EVERYWHERE

PLANE DOWN PLANE DOWN

what the fuck just growled- HOLYSHIT THEY HAVE A SPACE LEVIATHAN. it looks badass ngl. loki redemption arc? nope he just stabbed thor.

SPACE BIKE GO BRRRRR

yes because arrows and guns will stop the, alien monsters with lazer arms. some how its working. “just like budapest all over again.” “you and i remember budapest very differently.” WTF HAPPENED AT BUDAPEST BARTON AND NAt, HUH?

cap just scared the shit outta some police men HAHA

“i have unfinished business with loki.” “yeah? get in line” barton is snarky right now. banner just rides up on a motercycle like “hi what i’d miss”

“im bringing the party to you.” stark says while being chased by a giant metal space whale who’s crashing and crushing everything in its path along a street

“thats my secret cap. im always angry.” FUCK YEAH BANNER MESS THAT SPACE WHALE UP. HE JUST PUNCHED A GIANT FUCKING WHALE THING.

the music, the avengers circling around. its amazing. well things are gonna get worse bc more space whales showed up

“and hulk. . . smash.”

LIGHT THEM FUCKERS UP, THOR. shield maybe instead of watching, maybe, oh i dont know. HELP THEM???

i dont know what else to say other then its alot of fighting and smashing alien faces into the ground

hulk and thor kicking ass on the back of a space whale is awesome. HULK WHY DID YOU PUNCH HIMSJSOSHSKJSKSJSKSKSKSK

i fuxking love when steve turtle shells behind his shield.

“director fury. the council has made a decision.” “i recognize the council has made a decision. but given its a stupid-ass decision, i have elected to ignore it.” fury never stop being awesome

loki thought he was so smug when he caught bartons arrow, then it blew up in his face. literally IKSKSKSKSKS

HULK FUCK LOKI UP! JSHSKSGKSHSJSHSJSJ HE JUST TOSSED LOKI AROUND LIKE A RAGDOLL “puny god.” “*pained wheezing from a smooshed loki*”

oh damn- OH DAMN, STARK. he just jonahed the fucking whale thing and blew it up from the inside. well now the city has a nuke coming for it :/

yall have a chance to shut the portal down, and tony, you want to go INTO that portal and throw the nuke in? wtf stark.

TONY GO BACK TO EARTH DAMNIT FUCKING BASTARD PASSED OUT. yay hulk saved his stupid ass. do cpr.? mayb.? or a hulk roar will wake him up KEJSKJSKSSKJS

tony. you just blew up a alien command center with a nuke, passed out and fell to earth through a portal. and you want, shawarma?

and now back to loki. “if its all the same to you, i’d like that drink now.” ISHSKSJSJSJSKSJSJ

STAN LEEE

the people love em. yey

council lady stfu about the avengers being a threat. they just said the earth and you’re worried about them going rouge??

“if we get into a situation like this again, what happens then?” “they’ll come back.” i mean theres three more avenger movies so i assume so. remodaling stark towers so its the avenger tower? neat!

NEXT MOVIE: IRON MAN 3

*MID CREDIT SCENE* oh hi again mr no eyes. do we get to see this HE? OH WE DO. o hi mr 10 chins

once again ignore the misspells it was three AM when i finally finished this and im just now rereading it