#story ; that story being the reality of true intelligence which is fitting seeing as to how they’re from sumeru - the city of wisdom.

[kavehater]

I agree with absolutely everything she said his in game model is not as good as I envision him to be 😭 like fanart carries him FRRR but it’s honestly so sad ppl see the coolest ever character and be like yaoi 😋✌️how about NOOOO !!!! 😭😭😭 gosh this is so !!!! He has so many deep important aspects to himself, he’s so full of contradictions and despite it all he’s still one of the most kindest characters

[victusinveritas]

Piece below break by Nigel Warburton.

I rejected Christianity at the age of 14, upsetting my grandmother by refusing to get confirmed in the Catholic faith of my upbringing. Partly it was intellectual issues: why would a loving and all-powerful God create a world with so much suffering? Partly it was ethical issues. It was a time when I was questioning my sexuality, and it seemed to me wrong not to allow a gay person to flourish through a loving relationship with a partner they are attracted to. But, most of all, Christianity just seemed very unspiritual. I got very little out of boring church services, and it seemed to be all about pleasing the old guy in the sky so you get to heaven. Science and philosophy seemed a more rational way to make sense of life, which ultimately led me to become a philosophy professor.

Despite rejecting religion, I always had a spiritual sense, a sense of a greater reality at the core of things, what William James called ‘The More’. But I would connect to ‘The More’ in my own way, through meditation and engagement with nature. In other words, I was a signed-up member of the ‘spiritual but not religious’ grouping.

And thus I remained for a couple of decades. I was happy in this club. There was no ‘God-shaped hole’ in my life. But, more recently, a few things have changed. The first was intellectual. Most of my fellow philosophers are persuaded either by the arguments for the very traditional idea of God, or by the case for Richard Dawkins-style atheism. I’ve come to think that both sides of this debate have something right.

n terms of the case for atheism, I remain as convinced as ever that the suffering we find in the universe is powerful evidence against the existence of a loving and all-powerful God. But I’ve also come to think there are powerful considerations in support of something Godish. One is the fine-tuning of physics for life, the surprising discovery of recent decades that certain numbers in physics are, against incredible odds, just right for the emergence of life. The second is psycho-physical harmony, the improbable alignment between consciousness and behaviour that is presupposed in any evolutionary story of the character of our conscious experience. All this was laid out in my recent book Why? The Purpose of the Universe (2023).

I now think the evidence points towards a hypothesis that John Stuart Mill took seriously: a good God of limited abilities. This hypothesis is able to account both for the imperfections of our universe – in terms of God’s limited abilities – and for the things about our universe that are improbably good, such as fine-tuning and psycho-physical harmony. God would have liked to make intelligent life in an instant, or by breathing into the dust as we see depicted in Genesis. But the only way God was able to create life was by bringing into existence a universe with the right physics that would eventually evolve intelligent life. God made the best universe they could.

The second change was discovering the great diversity of forms of Christianity. Wide reading and conversations with various Christian thinkers have given me a deeper sense of the mystical traditions of Christianity, as well as its radical roots. I haven’t changed my mind on the form of Christianity I rejected in my youth. However, I now think there are forms of Christianity that fit quite well with the limited God I now believe in.

The universe is in some sense inside God, and perhaps God is inside the universe

The final change was coming to see the value of a spiritual community. Being ‘spiritual but not religious’ can be a bit lonely and hard to sustain. Religion involves rituals and practices that bind people together across space and time, marking the seasons and the big moments of life – birth, marriage, coming of age, death – forming a bridge between society and the Divine. I feel happier and closer to the Divine when I can connect to it in relation to others.

The idea of God I received as a child was of something completely separate from the universe. However, there are versions of the God hypothesis that don’t see things in such binary terms. There are pantheists, who think that ‘God’ and ‘the universe’ are simply different words for the same thing. This seems like just atheism repackaged. But there are also pan-en-theists, who don’t quite identify God and the universe, but nor do they think they’re entirely separate. Panentheists believe there is an intimate connection between God and the universe; the two overlap. The universe is in some sense inside God, and perhaps God is inside the universe.

These ideas of the Divine resonate with me spiritually, in a way that the purely supernatural idea of God does not. There is a fit with the conviction of many mystics, as well as the English Romantic poets, that the Divine is present in all things. William Wordsworth spoke in the poem Tintern Abbey (1798) of ‘Something far more deeply interfused.’

Moreover, there is a close fit with the philosophical theory I have spent much of my career defending, namely panpsychism: the view that consciousness goes all the way to the fundamental building blocks of reality. For panpsychists, the particles or fields that make up our universe have their own very rudimentary form of conscious experience, and the highly complex consciousness of the human or animal brain is built up from these more basic forms of consciousness. Panentheism is more at home in a panpsychist picture of reality, as it’s easier to make sense of the Divine pervading the universe if the universe is filled with consciousness than it is if the universe is a cold, unfeeling mechanism.

Panentheism may also help us to make sense of the idea of a God that is subject to limitations. If God had to create the universe inside themselves, then it could be that the timeless and unchangeable nature of God imposed certain limitations on what could be created. Perhaps the deep simplicity and unity of God’s nature ensured that creation had to begin with a very simple starting point – the Big Bang – and could only progress to complexity over time.

I my book Why? I defended such views of our origins over both traditional atheism and traditional Western religions. What’s happened since then is that I’ve come to see that panentheism fits quite well with certain interpretations of Christianity.

Many people assume the essence of Christianity is as follows. We are all sinners and so we deserve to burn in hell for eternity. Fortunately, Jesus took the punishment we deserve and, as a result, if we accept Jesus’ sacrifice on our behalf, we’ll go to heaven to live with God when we die. Everyone who doesn’t accept Jesus’ sacrifice will burn in hell forever.

In fact, this is only one interpretation of Christianity, associated with the Protestant Reformation, although a similar view was defended by Anselm of Canterbury in the 11th century. It’s also, in my opinion, one of the most implausible theological doctrines in any of the modern global religions. I don’t think anybody deserves to burn in hell for eternity. And, even if we did, it wouldn’t achieve anything to punish an innocent man in our place. The word ‘Jesus’ is for many deeply associated with this picture, and so, in discussing an alternative, I’m going to borrow a trick from the author Francis Spufford and use the Hebrew version of Jesus instead: Yeshua.

Christianity is a little bit like quantum mechanics. In terms of the mathematics, quantum mechanics is our most successful scientific theory. The problem is nobody knows what on earth is going on in reality to make those equations work in predicting what we will observe. There are many different interpretations with no consensus on which is the correct one. Likewise, with Christianity, all Christians agree that Yeshua had some central role in the purpose of the universe. But there is no officially agreed view on the mechanics of that.

The views that are more plausible to my mind revolve around love and unity rather than sin and punishment. According to the participatory theory popular in the Eastern Orthodox Church, the Yeshua stuff was all about God becoming more similar to us so that we can become more similar to God. God wants us to share more deeply in their form of existence. But there’s a problem: the timeless, transcendent aspect of God is radically different from, say, a naturally evolved human being. Without God becoming more similar to their creation, the difference between God and creation is just too great for the two to share a common form of existence. The philosopher Robin Collins suggests this is analogous to the fact that ‘a tree branch cannot be grafted into a horse, only another tree; the horse is too alien for it.’ It is only once God, through Yeshua, shares in temporal, physical existence that the gap is bridged between God and creation, creating the potential for human beings and indeed the whole of creation to share more deeply in God’s form of existence.

-If Yeshua rose as a physical body, then surely he could have revealed himself to millions-

This view still doesn’t make sense to me if we’re assuming that God is all-powerful. If God can do anything, then they could have created us to share in their form of existence from the beginning, rather than subjecting us to millions of painful years of evolution. But if God is not all-powerful, then maybe they are on their way to creating a perfect universe but are only able to do this in two stages. In the first stage, they create an OK universe, one with the right kind of physics to eventually evolve intelligent life. Next, when creation has evolved enough, God begins to bring the universe to perfection by becoming more intimately involved in it, sharing in its nature that it can share in their nature. Perhaps this is a process that is still continuing – and maybe needs a bit of help from us – but which took a radical and decisive step forward in the events surrounding Yeshua.

Learning about this form of Christianity removed some of my big objections to Christianity. But the resurrection was still a big stumbling block. If Yeshua rose as a physical body that could be seen and touched, then surely he could have revealed himself to millions, making the existence of God and the truth of Christianity an indisputable historical fact.

These worries were countered only recently when I read the biblical scholar Dale Allison’s book The Resurrection of Jesus (2021), which presents a powerful defence of a slightly unorthodox view of the resurrection.

For Allison, the resurrection appearances consisted of visions, rather than literally seeing and touching a body. In other words, the resurrection appearances of the first Christians were more like the resurrection appearances of Paul on the road to Damascus. We might imagine that, soon after the crucifixion, the followers of Yeshua started being thrown to the ground and overwhelmed by intense visions: first Mary Magdalene, then Peter, later the 11 remaining disciples, 500 people at once, James the brother of Jesus, and many others, much later including Paul. Despite not involving a body that could be physically seen and touched, such novel and intense visions, occurring both to groups and individuals, could be enough to render it undeniable that reality had fundamentally altered in some radically new way.

Crucially, Allison is not denying that the resurrection was physical. He thinks that historical evidence supports the tomb of Yeshua having been found empty. But he denies the familiar narrative we find in Luke’s Gospel according to which Yeshua rose from the tomb as a body that could be seen and touched, hung around for a period of time, and then floated up to heaven – an event known as the ascension. Rather, Allison believes the first Christians identified the resurrection and the ascension.

In Paul’s letters in the Bible, he describes resurrection bodies as continuous with but radically different from ordinary bodies, as a plant is continuous with but radically different from a seed. For Allison, the tomb was empty not because Yeshua had stood up and wandered off, but because he had been transformed into a radically new form of physicality, perhaps a kind of formless energy. If we move a little beyond what Allison claims and adopt panentheism – on which the universe is part of God – then for this formless energy to be absorbed into God involves this formless energy filling the universe. In other words, Yeshua brought God closer to us not by being punished for our sin but by filling the entire universe with God’s love.

Do we have any reason to take any of this seriously? Traditional Christian apologists argue that the resurrection is the only explanation for the strange events that followed the crucifixion. We have good historical evidence that many people, including one violent opponent of the Christian movement, had experiences that persuaded them that Yeshua was in some sense alive again. They must have been incredibly powerful experiences because they motivated them to vigorously defend this conviction at great cost to themselves, including the cost of their lives in some cases.

I agree with traditional Christian apologists that there aren’t any very satisfying non-Christian explanations of the historical origins of Christianity. On the other hand, I agree with the view popularised by Carl Sagan that extraordinary events require extraordinary evidence, and I don’t think we have extraordinary evidence for the resurrection. It’s perfectly rational for an atheist to hold that Christianity was sparked by some kind of rare mass hallucination, preferring that explanation on the basis that, while improbable, mass hallucination is less improbable than a resurrection.

However, what counts as extraordinary depends on your worldview. I have tried to show how a certain form of Christianity fits quite well with a panentheist view on which God is not all-powerful, a view I believe to be well supported by current evidence. Relative to that worldview, Christianity – at least the form I have outlined – is not extraordinary; it’s one possible hypothesis as to what the purpose of the universe might be. By accepting that hypothesis, we get a more satisfying explanation of the origins of Christianity than anything available to a non-Christian (although note that the explanation I support, outlined in the previous section, is somewhat different from that of the traditional Christian). In other words, while the evidence for Christianity is not sufficient to persuade an atheist, it may be sufficient to persuade someone whose worldview is consonant with the truth of Christianity.

-Pragmatic considerations can play a role when the evidence doesn’t conclusively settle matters-

I hasten to add, these matters are inherently uncertain. I’ve come to think there’s a reasonable chance that a certain form of Christianity is true; but there’s also a reasonable chance it’s false. My intellectual hero William James argued that, in situations of uncertainty, when the truth is of monumental importance, in can be rational to choose to believe. He gives the analogy of being stuck in the mountains with the only way of escaping being to leap across an enormous chasm between two precipices. Intellectually speaking, it is uncertain whether or not you can make it. But if you choose to believe you will make it, you raise the chances that you will succeed.

The analogy is not perfect, as nobody is suggesting that a religion is more likely to be true if we believe it. But James’s example shows how pragmatic considerations can play a role when the evidence doesn’t conclusively settle matters. To take a contemporary analogy, it’s highly uncertain whether human beings will deal with the climate crisis. But it can be rational to believe we will, if that belief can provide meaning and motivation.

Faith is not about certainty. It is fundamentally a decision to trust your spiritual experiences, and to trust a certain framework for interpreting and acting upon those experiences. Hindus interpret their spiritual experiences as awareness of Ultimate Reality at the core of one’s being, and respond by meditating to realise their identity with Ultimate Reality. Christians interpret their spiritual experiences as awareness of a loving creator, and pray to deepen their relationship with God. These decisions to trust certain experiences influence how you see the world, how you respond to other people, and how you engage with nature. For a person of faith, each moment of daily life is permeated with meaning and significance.

This openness to uncertainty allows for pluralism. If faith requires certainty, then people of faith must be certain that their religion is right, and hence certain that other religions are wrong. But for trust to be rational, it’s only required that we’re not putting our trust in something wildly improbable. If there’s a 30 per cent chance that my loved one will make it, then it’s rational to have faith that they’ll pull through. But if the doctors tell me the chances of survival are sadly less than 1 per cent, then my loved one and I should enjoy our last moments and prepare to say goodbye.

This doesn’t mean faith gets a free pass. If Dawkins is right, there’s less than a 1 per cent chance that God exists, in which case it’s irrational to trust in the tenets of a theistic religion. However, if Dawkins is wrong, it might turn out that more than one religion is probable enough to have faith in. I have come to think that Christianity, in a certain form, is a credible possibility. But I have no problem with the idea that other religions may also be probable enough for it to be rational to have faith in them. If it is highly uncertain which religion is true, it may be rational to bring in pragmatic considerations, such as which religion you feel culturally comfortable in, to select a faith to follow.

Finally, I want to bring in one crucial element I haven’t mentioned so far: the extraordinary teaching of Yeshua. His focus on the poor and the weak, his talk of loving your enemies and turning the other cheek, his attacks on those who overvalue tradition or social status, were light years ahead of their time, and have played a crucial role in shaping the modern ethical ideals that we still struggle to live up to. This in itself proves nothing. But, for me, it’s a vital element in the mix, giving credibility to the possibility that the events depicted in the New Testament describe some profound moment in the evolution of reality.

Life is short and much is uncertain. We all have to take our leap of faith, whether that’s for secular humanism, one of the religions, or simply a vague conviction that there is some greater reality. In deciding, it’s important to reflect on what’s likely to be true but also what’s likely to bring happiness and fulfilment. For my own part, I have found a faith that is certain to bring me happiness, and which is, in my judgment, probable enough to be worth taking a bet on.

[dramavixen]

are producers the clowns for approving subpar endings or am i the clown for expecting more

**Spoilers for:

Love Like the Galaxy (China, 2022)

The Red Sleeve (South Korea, 2021)

Late as I am to every bandwagon, I at last completed my first watch-through of Love Like the Galaxy a few days ago. For the past couple of weeks, I have done nothing but think about, consume, and breathe this story. At last, a show that was ticking all the boxes! I could tear myself free from this drama slump of mine!

This celebration lasted until I sat down with my parents to observe that thing the producers might call an "ending," but which sparked a frustration in me so severe that it triggered a post-COVID coughing fit, which in turn almost made me throw up. I couldn't comprehend it: was this the same show? Did I accidentally click on a parallel universe version where everyone's intelligence was operating 20% capacity?

Since I'd like to avoid making myself physically ill again, I'm not going to focus too much on how logic abruptly becomes an imaginary concept throughout the last two episodes. At least all that did was make me angry. What I can't accept is that they use that lack of logic to curse our leads with the most careless of reconciliations.

To alleviate my distress, we're going to perform an investigation. A deduction, if you will, of precisely what the ending was lacking, and utilizing a case study of how to conclude a story in both a fitting and compelling manner.

An unresolved misery

In recent years, my tolerance for male leads' misbehavior has plummeted down into the core of the earth. You could say that after years of being brainwashed by media into excusing male characters' questionable actions due to how much they "love" their partners, I'm taking back my common sense. So when faced with Zisheng's killing spree while armed with the knowledge that a "happy ending" was endgame, I anticipated how the writers would close such an abyssal rift in the leads' relationship. And the result was...well, not all that worth it.

If you need a memory refresh or you're reading this without fear of spoilers (godspeed), the conclusion of LLTG sees Shaoshang being kidnapped multiple times by people who she knows don't hold good intentions, but she goes along with them anyway. Don't ask why (the answer is so Zisheng can swoop in to rescue her). Some needlessly dramatic things lead to Shaoshang assuming for a few seconds that Zisheng has died in an explosion. But lo and behold! Here he comes, emerging unscathed from the ordeal. She flies into his arms and forgives him. Then they run off and save China, because it's not a historical C-drama until they do.

By the time we got to the fire/explosion scene, my mental state had already been reduced to a pulp. Therefore, to write this piece, I had to rewatch that part and make sure I was getting all the details right. It shocked me into a second round of holding my head to prevent my brain from ejecting itself as it sought to escape this reality.

(Also, I have to take a moment here to demand justice for He Zhaojun. They leave a pregnant woman on the floor after dragging her out of a fire, while she's having contractions, so they can instead take the time to hold a premature mourning session for Zisheng. Guys, it's not the end of the world if you don't have a brain. But please don't throw away your conscience.)

However the writers did it, it still counts as a happy ending. Such a conclusion should come as a relief, so why do I find it so hard to come to terms with? Let's rewind a tad.

Both Shaoshang and Zisheng grew up under grim circumstances, their identities subjecting them to emotional and social turmoil. But while they share a similar internal struggle, they must deal with it in opposing ways. Shaoshang opens herself up to anyone who shows her true kindness, desperate for someone to accept her for who she is. On the other hand, Zisheng can only isolate himself from everyone, unable to reveal his true self due to both political and personal interests.

Their eventual parting is unavoidable. Shaoshang is moved by Zisheng's unwavering love for her. Can't blame her all that much; just look at him. But the closer she gets, the more Zisheng fears dragging her into his mess of a life, and the more he pulls away. When Zisheng chooses vengeance over love, he's already crossed Shaoshang's bottom line several times by refusing to share his troubles whenever she asked—the irony being that he once scolded her for keeping things to herself.

ZS: If, one day, they really intend to kill you, would you not tell me then, either? Shaoshang, exactly who do you take me for? Why must you always act on your own, and not trust me? SS: It is not that I do not want to trust you. I simply— ZS: You simply do not care about me. After betrothing you, I would frequently think about how great it would be if I could become your confidant and anchor. You could tell me about all of your fears and loneliness. I do not wish to control you. All I hope is that you can be honest with me. But how is it that your heart never warms toward me?

I see that Zisheng is a loyal believer of the "do as I say, not as I do" doctrine.

While it's initially funny to look back on the above scene in context, it's quite sad once you mull over it more. Zisheng's desire to know Shaoshang's troubles is rooted in a concern for her safety that is both emotional and practical in nature. When Shaoshang later applies that same thinking on him, the tables have turned completely. Zisheng is now aware that few situations are simple enough to be resolved just by being honest with someone else. And if the problem is severe enough, doing so may only aggravate it further.

From his perspective, telling Shaoshang would mean ruining her and her family's lives by association. Not to mention, she herself swore that she would stay with him through everything. So if he dies as a result of carrying out his revenge, the possibility of her dying solidifies itself as an inevitability. Leaving her behind is the one method he has to ensure that he alone would suffer the consequences.

Like it or not, it's hard to blame either of them for the end of their relationship. Is Zisheng wrong to keep Shaoshang in the dark? Arguably yes, arguably no. But is Shaoshang justified in her anger about being kept in the dark? Absolutely.

While we can be reasonably upset that post-timeskip Shaoshang possesses none of the outspoken nature of her teenage self, her lingering depression is the most realistic result of everything that happens. She has tried repeatedly to find her place in the world, yet arrives at nothing but failure every time. Not to mention, she suffers from an inferiority complex that intensifies the ache of each and every rejection. She isn't unfamiliar with being abandoned, but Zisheng doing it to her is the final straw that breaks her. The coffin her family was preparing for her didn't go to waste—the moment that Zisheng turned his back on her, he killed a part of her. Meanwhile, Zisheng becomes a corpse with a pulse, someone who only continues to breathe so he can regret what he has done.

When you delve into how much Zisheng hurt Shaoshang and himself, it becomes clear that a Michael Bay explosion shouldn't have been the answer to their problem. After the timeskip, the issue at hand should be less about her forgiving him than it is about each of them needing to redeem parts of themselves that they lost to the circumstances. That's why their interactions at this point are so painful to watch. Every word, every look, every movement brims with love for the other person, but they are both shells of their former selves that cannot move on.

No words for the above; too busy sobbing as they each individually accept that they'll never experience true happiness again.

As a viewer, you know that Shaoshang accepting him at this point would be an objectively bad idea. But it's also hell to watch two people, both overly accustomed to suffering, walk away from the person who brought them the greatest joy in their life. That's the art of tragedy, flourishing before us in a quiet, leaden fog. And they killed it in a bloom of gunpowder, of all things?

The beauty in tragedy

To say that a tragic ending is inherently superior to a happy one would be a pretentious fallacy. At the same time, a forced happy ending will feel unstable enough that the slightest of questions will cast it into doubt. The genre of an ending is irrelevant. It only matters that the ending is the right one.

So should LLTG have ended with the leads parting ways for good? To find the answer, I want to first dig into a successful example of tragedy. For that, let's look to our dearest, our legendary, our precious: The Red Sleeve.

Similar in premise to LLTG, TRS features a female lead with independent thinking and a dream for freedom, faced with a man of high social status who goes about chasing her in a way that flaunts his power. The stakes are higher in TRS since the man in question will one day be king, but the highlight of the show is the same as in LLTG: you bounce back and forth between hoping that she ends up with him and praying to any god that exists that she runs far, far away from him. You can't really win.

One day I'd love to write a thorough analysis on the amazing character that is Sung Deok-Im, but for our current purposes I'll focus on the nature of her ending. TRS is roughly based on history, and a quick Google search when you begin the drama will inform you that our female lead is fated to die at 33 years old—only a few years after she is "promoted" from gungnyeo to Yi San's consort. As a result, you spend much of the drama battling the lurking dread of how her death comes about.

A few months after her young son passes away, Deok-Im falls ill and dies. The unborn child in her womb follows her. Yi San is beside her as Deok-Im slips away, and her dying wish is cruel but fair: should they meet again in another life, she begs Yi San to pass her by. Only then can she choose to live a free life, full of choices, which was all she had wanted until she fell in love with him.

While watching LLTG, my emotions mirrored those I endured through TRS. Both dramas force you to get to know the female lead as someone who wants to be herself, a baffling idea in the face of a society where women's primary identities are those associating them with someone else: daughters, wives, sisters, mothers. Yet she continues to harbor hope that she can control her own life, even as she falls in love with a man whose station will certainly snuff out that possibility. The saving grace in LLTG is that Zisheng is not a part of the royal family, and even then Shaoshang goes through her fair share of frustration. TRS on the other hand...even if you haven't seen it, you can likely guess what happens.

The biggest tragedy in TRS is not that Deok-Im dies young. It's the despair that trickles through every part of you as she transforms from a free-spirited, boisterous young woman into an obedient consort whose every word and movement is straight out of the books of etiquette, who isn't permitted her own feelings or thoughts in the face of the country's interests. History may not share the specifics behind how the consort actually died, but the drama all but tells you that depression played a major role. By the end of the drama, Deok-Im hasn't existed for a while. She dies as Royal Noble Consort Ui.

I wonder what I have gained by being in this place, and what I have lost.

I cry inconsolably whenever I see this expression of acceptance and resignation on her face as she sends off her friends and her former self, knowing full well that she has caged herself into a life of sadness so she can be with the one she loves—a man whose first priority can never be her.

But oh, no; our suffering doesn't end there. Yi San lives on after her, looking after his country while carrying the lingering pain of Deok-Im's death. At one point, he retrieves her belongings and appears stunned by her gungnyeo clothing:

It is so small. Were you always so small? Yet, I loved you.

In Yi San’s memory, Deok-Im was a person of great stature. What she may have lacked in social position, she more than made up for in personality. Her tenacity made her appear so strong that only in hindsight does Yi San understand just how vulnerable she was.

Yi San is also someone to be pitied. When we watch palace dramas, it's easy to say that the king's consorts have it far worse than the king. They fight over a man in order to survive, and arguably their sacrifices are greater in number and magnitude. But it's egregious to host a competition of suffering, and you can't deny that Yi San himself leads an unfortunate life. In the cold isolation of the palace, Deok-Im gives him warmth and company. It's no wonder that he wishes to have her by his side, but he is still willing to let her go when she pushes him away.

Almost every other palace drama would have you turning up your nose at the king or emperor's so-called "love" for one of the women in his harem. TRS leaves no room for such doubt. The throne takes away Yi San's ability to choose, and ultimately his ability to wholeheartedly love someone. Even so, Yi San holds Deok-Im so dear that you might want to blame him for how she ends up, but it's hard. Really, really hard. (For anyone interested and who hasn't already, I highly recommend reading the actual history behind this drama. Dude was so in love that it physically hurts.)

In the final scene, he reunites with Deok-Im in the afterlife. At last, they are together and without all the frills and chains of royalty tying them down.

Many years have passed, and at times, I was not certain myself. Do I truly miss you, or do I simply glorify the past? Now I know. I missed you, and I missed the time that I spent with you. [...] Now I understand that we do not have much time. And we do not have the luxury to wait. So, love me. Please. Love me.

I'm always scared to watch the last episode because I just spend the full hour and a half bawling until I can't breathe. Taking these few screenshots was truly a test of my entire being.

So what makes a good tragedy? Tragedy is not "bad things happen." It's "bad things may have happened, but I wouldn't have chosen any differently." When Deok-Im becomes Yi San's consort, it isn't because he keeps her there. She chooses to stay. She loves the prospect of freedom, but she just loves Yi San more. It's awful, it hurts, and it's perfect.

What could have been

We've taken a slight detour, but have at last arrived back at the topic of: how should LLTG have ended?

If given the choice between Shaoshang and Zisheng being together and them not being together, I would obviously choose the former while beating the latter into a permanent nonexistence. With any degree of empathy, you can't watch two people suffer as Shaoshang and Zisheng do, then turn around and wish for their continued misfortune and loneliness. So although I'll concede that it would have easily made for a fantastic tragedy like TRS, I can't bear to say that it should have been one. But if the writers want to go for the non-obvious happy ending, it still has to follow the progression of things.

The current problem is this: Zisheng abandoned Shaoshang and scorned her trust in him. We're now in a position where Shaoshang has the decisive say in whether the relationship can be revived.

LLTG's primary focus has always been Shaoshang. Though multifaceted, her personality and motivations are pretty straightforward. Each time she suffers is a result of her lack of agency. She had no choice in her parents leaving her as an infant, no choice in her poor upbringing, no choice in agreeing to marry Zisheng. Even when she gave up Lou Yao, was that truly a result of her volition alone? For someone whose greatest enemy is helplessness, what matters most is maintaining her own free will.

Through this lens, each time Shaoshang asks Zisheng if he has something to tell her, not only is she asking him to trust in her as his equal, she wants him to let her decide to stay with him. Zisheng turning her away scars her so deeply because it's the same thing as telling her, "I don't care what you want to do." He's drawing a line while taking away from her the power to choose—the one thing she's told him repeatedly matters to her.

SS: I used to hate you for abandoning me. I hated that you acted on your own. I hated that you would rather leap from a cliff than walk alongside me. I hated that I loved you so truly, whereas you told me lie after lie. It has been five years. It was not easy to let go of all of this. I can no longer give away my heart or trust again. ZS: I am sorry. Regardless of what choice you make, I will respect it. These last few years in the Northwest, not a day went by where I was not filled with remorse. I know you. I knew completely that you feared being abandoned. Yet I still chose to harm you in the way that would hurt you the most. In the first twenty years of my life, I lived in hatred. And for the rest of my life, I will live in remorse. If I could, I would tear my heart from my chest to show you. But I know I no longer have that right.

"A married couple exists as one entity." Such is what the drama emphasizes time and again, but what does that mean? Not that one party is in automatic agreement with the other. It's about learning to reach compromises and understanding what's important to the other person. When you don't give your partner their say in that conversation, then what relationship is there to be had?

That is why Shaoshang's unwavering desire for individual opinion matters even more after entering a relationship, and why she still struggles to come to terms with what Zisheng has done. She doesn't blame him. She doesn't want him to beg for forgiveness. After everything she's been through, she just can't put herself in the same vulnerable position again. And he's learned to fully respect her opinion, which means that he has to let her go.

TRS's ending works for the simple reason that it remains true to the characters and their motivations. The tragedy isn't there to make us sad, it's just where the story was always going to find itself. This is why we as viewers hate the ending, but we wouldn't have wanted it written any other way—to do so would be betraying Deok-Im and Yi San.

But when you look LLTG, it gives you a very weak argument for Shaoshang and Zisheng's reconciliation. In front of you are two people whose love for one another could not run any deeper, yet there are legitimate obstacles to their relationship. Shaoshang needs to relearn trust and feel respected. Zisheng's conflict mimics that of Yi San's; as much as he may regret the past, there is nothing about it that can be changed. That regret is something that has to be addressed. (Of course, in Yi San's case, that was addressed through his death. So maybe not that for Zisheng, if you please.)

I can see where the writers attempt to cure Zisheng's remorse, but come on now. They stage a bizarre speech for him where he denounces his previous actions, like a child being punished by his parents and being forced to write a 200-word essay reflecting on his wrongdoings, and while they're being held in the most asinine hostage situation ever known to man. He seriously proclaims that he should have walked the honorable path instead of opting for vigilante justice.

This entire scene was a nauseating roller coaster, but that last part threw me for a major loop. Sir, the only reason you can say that so shamelessly is because your soon-to-be wife found evidence after you killed the guy. Are you really going to stand there with a straight face as you tell me that you regret how you killed the man who you watched murder your father, and who brought about the horrific deaths of your entire family? There was no other option at the time. Of course you had to kill him. It was as much a personal vendetta as it was political. No one likes what happened after that, but those are consequences that should be dealt with separately. Also, Shaoshang's qualms aren't rooted in you killing the guy, they're rooted in you killing him and then trying to kill yourself, all without taking her desires into consideration.

And just as I was thinking the above, the next thing that happened on-screen: Shaoshang turns to him with an expression that says, ah, so he's learned his lesson! Oh...my goodness.

Hi, ma'am? Question. What exactly is more emotionally persuasive about this weird declaration now than when he laid his heart out that night when you wished one another well and said goodbye? Is it because he almost explodes afterward? In the five years he spent out on the battlefield, was he not always in danger of exploding, or being stabbed, or being tortured to death, etc.? Did he not almost die saving you from falling off a cliff two days prior? Why didn't you waver then, especially since it should remind you of, you know, the other time that he jumped off a cliff?

During the scene where she runs to him after discovering he miraculously is not dead, a severe suspicion came over me that perhaps they inhaled so much smoke that they were no longer thinking straight.

A solid happy ending was clearly a possibility. Even if they wanted to go with the above nonsense, could we not also have had a moment where they admit to one another that while overcoming their pain will be difficult at first, being apart from one another for eternity would be much more painful? That nothing in life is easy, but it will be easier with each other? That that commitment is what makes a married couple a single entity, and they just want to commit to each other? Then they can go off and save China, whatever.

They deserved an ending that had me rejoicing that these two are finally, finally, finally on the same wavelength. It should have been more introspective and more considerate of Shaoshang's hurt and Zisheng's regret. Their psychological wounds are instead dismissed through an absurd monologue in a basement and the arbitrary realization that death is lurking around every corner.

The hilarious part is that in the last two episodes, even the actors are noticeably less enthusiastic. In their performances, I see essences of how I feel when a client requests edits to a design that will make it significantly uglier. You gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills.

Sigh. I could forever grieve what could have been, but this is still one of my favorite dramas. Characters that feel like real people, relationships that make your heart hurt. Those should be common sense in media but are hard to come by in reality, and I'll continue to appreciate what LLTG gave me.

All I really want from the drama industry is for it to please, for the love of our collective sanities, stop thinking that "happy" endings are a valid shortcut to satiating an audience. Good tragic endings are difficult to write, yes, but good happy endings are not any easier. To underestimate that is to let down the story and characters that were so painstakingly brought to life in the first place.

[ecargmura]

The Boy And The Heron Movie Review - It's Alright

Guess who got sick right after seeing this movie? ME! I know I should be resting, but I am still able to type. Nothing can stop me from writing. I was interested in watching this movie and when my brother watched it and told me “It’s alright.” It got me even more curious. Well, to be fair, my brother usually gives vague responses.

So, I went to watch the movie. How was it? It definitely was an ‘alright’ movie. Like, it’s not bad but not great—if “bad” and “amazing” were on a scale, “alright” would be smack dab in the middle. Like, it’s definitely a Miyazaki film from how it’s animated to all the imagery and tropes he uses, but at the same time, the execution is like a roller coaster going down. It’s not Miyazaki’s best film, but one of his most ambitious creations. Though, I do think that the title is misleading as “The Boy And The Heron” feels like a literal title, but the story is more about the boy, Mahito, rather than both the heron and him, so I think that the title should’ve been “How Do You Live?” because that is ultimately the true message of the story.

I love that if you watch the film, you can see that Miyazaki made it. From the classic Ghibli running animation to the beautiful scenery, you can tell Miyazaki worked on this film, but it’s also an improvement from his previous creations. My favorite little details are how Miyazaki animates clothes. The clothes flutters well and the way they move around is really good. The scenery is a step up in classic Miyazaki as the fantasy aspect of this film is like Miyazaki going from Lv. 90 to Lv. 100 in terms of artistic game. I also especially love the way Mahito creates the bow from bamboo and other material. Just seeing him creating all of it and seeing the actual process was a pure visual banquet.

The story’s plot isn’t concrete, but it’s something that one has to think about. I quite liked the overall story as I do like something that I have to think about rather than being fed a plot and expect something out of it. The story takes place post-WWII in Japan as Mahito loses his mother to a hospital fire. Three years later, he and his father move to the countryside where he meets Natsuko, his new stepmother (and his aunt—she’s his late mother’s younger sister) and lives in a house where there are many elderly housekeepers. Mahito is still grieving over the loss of his mother that he rejects the company of Natsuko and the grannies and mainly just keeps to himself. He does meet a talking grey heron and later embarks on a journey inside a magical abandoned tower where Natsuko has been spirited away to in order to rescue her.

The story kind of started off slow in the beginning, which is where the reality portions were. It’s mainly to build up Mahito and how he copes with his mother’s death and how he was thrown into this sudden change in environment from getting a new mother to not being able to fit in school to the point that he hits himself with a rock to avoid going back. There’s also him trying to fend off the heron as he finds it an annoyance. Once the story has it so that Mahito is forced to go to the fantasy world inside the tower to save the spirited away Natsuko, the pacing goes by really fast. One moment Mahito is on a boat with Kiriko, then he’s with Himi in her house, then he’s with Granduncle and then with parakeets. I think the fast pacing is meant to show how different and magical it is compared to the slower, mundane aspects of reality.

As a protagonist, I think Mahito is a good one; while he isn’t Ghibli’s best protagonist, he is written in a way that fits the vibes and messages of the story. My favorite aspect of Mahito as a character is that he’s intelligent. He’s able to create weapons from materials around his house like a bow made of bamboo and an arrow made from the heron’s feathers that he glued together with sticky rice. He’s also quietly chaotic. Like, in usual Ghibli films, the protagonist would befriend the deuteragonist after the second meeting, but Mahito was in full killing mode—he wanted that heron GONE. The heron as a character is quite interesting. He’s not a villain, but he’s clearly not an antagonist either. His actions were mainly due to being ordered by the Granduncle. The heron feels mainly like comic relief, mainly towards the second half of the film where his importance gets snuffed after he gets his beak fixed. Though, I always did wonder why the heron was the only bird that turns human while the other birds were personified caricatures.

The supporting cast was decent. Shoichi was a rather good dad in terms of how Japanese media usually treats father characters as either incompetent or bumbling; Shoichi cares a lot for Mahito, but he’s also someone who a bit self-centered as he flaunts off his wealth and never really asks for Mahito’s opinions on getting a new mother. Kiriko definitely stood out as the tough woman and the first of Mahito’s friends in the fantasy world. She’s the younger version of one of the housekeepers, as noted by the patterns on her kimono. Himi was cute and I loved that she’s a representation of accepting her life how it is. While Natsuko did serve as a point of conflict between her and Mahito, I do wonder why she was able to leave the delivery room, when it was taboo for people to enter. The Granduncle does seem like he’s an allusion to Miyazaki himself in that he’s seeking a successor to his world, so he sought out either the baby inside Natsuko or Mahito himself. The granduncle is someone looking for a pure world free of malice, but that is impossible. Even Mahito, as pure as he seems, isn’t free from malice as his actions, the one that caused him a scar on his temple, was out of malice. I think this was a good symbolism that the world can never really be a place where it’s only just purity. Purity and malice coincide like light and darkness. The way the world collapses is Granduncle accepting that reality and that he just lets Mahito go back to his world to live how he wants to live.

I’m convinced Miyazaki has a vendetta towards birds in this film as they are very vicious, but when I think about it deeper, birds are fitting animals for this film. A lot of Miyazaki’s films has flight as one of his staple tropes in animation. He really likes flying and having birds as the main creatures for this film encompasses this very well. The warawaras, the cute white blobs are also creatures of flight, so it definitely incorporates his fondness for flight.

The soundtrack was pure Joe Hisashi magic. I loved every song in the film. There’s just something so magical about Hisashi’s scores. Hot take: I would react more emotionally if news of Hisashi’s retirement comes out than news about Miyazaki’s retirement.

I watched the film in Japanese with English subtitles. While I heard the English dub is good with the amazing casting, I think that there’s still something about watching a Ghibli film in its original language—The Boy and The Heron is actually the first time I watched a Ghibili movie in Japanese—that makes the experience feel a bit more…magical? Given that the characters and setting are in Japan, so hearing the characters in their original language does feel like I’m watching a foreign film. I think the casting is perfect to the point that I can’t find any fault with the vocal performances.

Anyways, if this is Miyazaki’s swan song of a film, it’s actually a good way for him to end after years of bringing magic into the world. Personally, it’s not the best film he has produced, but it’s a project good enough as a closure to all of his success throughout the years. Will he make another film before his death? I don’t know but if he doesn’t, then this film is still a good way to end his film career. Would I recommend you to watch it? I’d say that it’s good for a first time watch, but it doesn’t really garner a second time watch for me. What are your thoughts about this movie if you have seen it?

[ardn632fernbellbowers]

WEEK TWELVE/ FINAL STATEMENT

Concepts and Contexts 

My photographic series “shadows of home” speaks to the experience of moving out of home; the good and the bad. Everyone has a connection to somewhere you can call ‘home’. There are five common emotional stages one may go through when flying the coop for the first time: excitement, overwhelming, scared, lonely and finally accepting. (Yin, 2021). My series focuses on my flat mate, Tarik, who I grew up with and now live with in Auckland. Being close to his family, Tarik initially struggled with the distance, but over time, he found comfort in our shared “home away from home” and gradually built his own sense of security here. I wanted to capture the juxtaposition between new freedom and the loneliness that can come from leaving a familiar space. 

Research 

I first took inspiration for this series after discovering lomo cameras, “An ultra-basic camera with a fixed lens, one shutter speed, and manual focusing. The results, as you may expect, are full of flaws. Misplaced focus, wrong colors, heavy vignetting, distortions, and blurs are just some of them.” (Dam, 2023) I found this form of photography very raw and compelling yet also a form of photo manipulation. This led me to look further into double exposures both analogue and postproduction manipulated.  

Emil recommended I look at photographer ‘Sarah Palmer’, (Sarah Palmer, n.d.) who creates vibrant double exposures that evoke a strong sense of connection through two photographs and tells deeper stories upon investigation. She employs light, color, and people to evoke intense chaos in her compositions, immersing the viewer in the moment. I took inspiration from the power of storytelling she portrays through her work.  

Additionally, I looked at Tamara Lichtenstein’s work, a photographer who portrays “the journey from youth to womanhood” (Tamara Lichtenstein, n.d.) occasionally employing double exposure to do so. Her work is the opposite to Sarah’s, no chaos, a singular person over a landscape. Her photographs transported me to a peaceful place, often using soft natural light to create a dreamy yet lonely atmosphere. 

My research motivated me to utilize multiple exposures as my form of photographic manipulation, I felt it was a fitting form of manipulation to create a raw and personal series that told the story I wanted to tell.  

Methods and Making 

As a photographer, the ethics of photographic manipulation are vital to practice, and we must keep questioning the line between veracity and deception. In the article we looked at about Jonas Bendikson’s ‘Book of Veles’ (Miller, 2022) I was reminded of the reality of AI (artificial intelligence) and the increasing accessibility. Bendikson created 3D characters and manipulated them into his photographs, creating an entirely false narrative about the city of Veles. After publishing his almost totally false book, he was shocked to find that not a single person questioned the authenticity of his work, even after being screened at a film festival. I see Jonas’ work more as a social experiment, testing the waters of manipulation and sending a warning for the reality that is becoming. In this case, Jonas is an honest and reliable photographer who had always had the intention of telling the truth about his project. However, I believe in the wrong hands this technology can be incredibly damaging and change the way we know.  

I decided to use a form of manipulation that goes back to the basics, double exposure. First discovered by William Mumler, a photographer whose accidental double exposure layered himself over his deceased cousin. (Spirit Photography | University of Canterbury, n.d.). Double exposure has become a technique to create compositions that spark themes of memories, experiences and identity. Unfortunately, I did not give myself enough time to shoot on film, which would have been the ultimate true double exposure, however I was able to create a similar effect through post-production. I used blending modes within layers in photoshop and mindfully composed frames within frames.  

The emotional phases I described above are reflected in my compositions, which is why their sequence matters. In the first, Tarik is shown in opposing profiles, signifying his mental struggle as he feels anxious and overwhelmed. The double exposure of light through a window symbolizes the relief that is forthcoming.  In the second, a shot of Tarik washing—a daily task signifying the transition to independence—is mixed with a more comfortable image of him with his hand on his chin. A close-up of Tarik's face and a peaceful picture of him in the garden are featured in the last picture, which reflects the emotional stage of acceptance as he welcomes his independence and this new phase of his life. 

[punkpandapatrixk]

You could change the world. Even if only your world~

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Pile 1 - Transformations, Balance & Inspiration

XVIII The Moon Rx, King of Cups

Priestess of Luck & Red Astronomer (Johannes Kepler)

Wow... wow... wow... Aren't you pretty clear that you have supernatural psychic powers? Whatever you dream, you can make. The best part? You KNOW how to make your dreams come true! Aside from your spirituality, you're also blessed with a big brain (maybe you have major Gemini or Aquarius placements).

I think you’re a person who’s gone through quite a bit in Life and that’s transformed you into this being who’s super confident about what she/he has to offer the world. Or, if you aren’t this empowered person yet, you’re soon to realise this of your potential!

When it comes to your talents the world needs to see, they are something more intangible and can translate to whatever suits your tastes. The main concept though, revolves around balance. You can show the world that just because you're spiritual, doesn't mean you have to be delusionally dumb. Likewise, just because you're highly intelligent, doesn't mean you can't be humble enough to be at peace with how much you don't know about the mysterious workings of the Cosmos.

The world needs to see you become someone influential so as to inspire the mass. This is the pile that attracts celebrities—or micro celebs—that do amazing things on their own creative platforms. At any rate, your voice needs to be heard (or creations/work be seen, you get the gist). As someone who's gone through many transformations in life, your stories will serve as a platform of hope.

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 - Dreamer, Lover, Healer, Builder

XV The Devil Rx, 5 of Cups

Priestess of Integrity & Gold Astrologer (Simon Forman)

You're definitely a super intuitive person. In fact, you're so dreamy most of the time you aren't even here. I sense major Water placements astrologically, like strong Scorpio (the Pluto kind instead of Mars) and Pisces/Neptunian energies, combined with Virgo influences.

Overall, you're always dreaming of a beautiful and perfect world where people aren't bound/restricted by silly rules nor destructive societal structures. You're disdainful at the operating system with which Humans operate on because your gentle Soul can't grasp why Humans like to live in a reality like this, where everything is cruel and harsh and uncaring. You think people simply lack empathy.

FYI, you're so dreamy because actually you're always connected to the Higher Realms where everything is easy and full of love. It's like your Soul came from 5th-dimensional Venus or the Cassiopeia constellation where the beings only know 50,000 different shades of Love. With that, some of you may find it extra hard to cope with living on this harsh and boring Planet Earth.

-Sorry Pile 2, the intro message is quite long and I tried to fit the message about your talents but it'll have to be in the full ver.! FYI, you guys are crazy talented and driven individuals.-

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 - Sharp Mind, Critical Thinking

King of Wands Rx, Ace of Cups

Priestess of Intellect & Silver Historian (Polydore Vergil)

Really? You got Priestess of Intellect with an image of a character that holds a sword? I'd say you've got this crazy combination of courage a la Gryffindor and ability to solve riddles and find ingenious solutions a la Ravenclaw.

I see that you're a naturally charismatic person, but there's a sense of arrogance about you that makes people somewhat look down on you, a little bit. Maybe you aren't even aware of that. But you know who you are and what you want to see happen in the world; that's one thing for sure. You're a bit idealistic and may not be keen on receiving other people's feedback—just because you're super fixated and sure of your own ideas and plans.

The thing is, aside from being super intelligent, you're also actually a genuinely helpful person. People may not get this about you from the get-go due to your persona, though. Some people may kind of be a little put off by your passionate belief in your causes. Also, because you tend to be very critical (even borderline harsh) when trying to help someone. You mean well, but... your deliverance could use some diplomacy...

-I couldn't fit the message about your talents in the early paragraphs because your Guides want you to hear this first hahah Check out the full ver. by joining my Patreon community if you like.-

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Feel free to support me on Patreon if you love this kind of content🍑I create stories and tarot readings that calm the mind & heal from within🍒

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[foxymoxynoona]

To Kill A King (Ch. Three)

Banner and linebreaks by the talented @awrkives

Summary: What’s more charming than Prince Seokjin? Nothing, obviously. Except maybe the rotating palace guests who each smile and bow and charm in an attempt to hide their true motives. Fortunately Seokjin has a close circle of friends (well, servants) who watch his back and endure his humor and help him navigate the tumultuous seas of heartbreak, love, and an arranged marriage, not necessarily in that order. If only they had helped him keep a closer eye on his bride-to-be’s handmaiden, who arrives with her own agenda… or maybe it would have been better if he had noticed her less? One thing is certain as this royal drama of the heart plays out: there are many people competing to kill a king.

Main Pairing: Prince Seokjin x Female OC

Genre: Historical Fantasy World, political conspiracy, romance

Rating: 18+

Content Warnings & story tags: includes explicit sex (mxf, fxf), possibly graphic violence/injury later, love and sex triangles or uh quadrangles?, sort of e 2 l, sort of bodyguard trope, sort of arranged marriage, a lot of plotting murder (it’s literally in the title), maybe character death, grief, pining, angst, love, oral (f receiving), I don’t know everything yet as the story is long and still being written

Ch. 3 Wordcount: 16k

PREVIOUS | MASTERLIST | NEXT

Seokjin yawned and stretched and blinked at the early morning light until a shrill pssssst reminded him where he was. He lowered his hands and pointed them at Hoseok like they were cocked pistols and winked, trying to look cool about the whole thing.

“Are you going to mount, Your Highness?” 

“What are you doing with your fingers?” Hoseok whispered harshly. 

“They’re like hunting rifles only smaller,” Seokjin explained before realizing they wouldn’t have seen the secret intelligence that a kingdom to the north had developed such a thing. Pistols. The drawing looked interesting but apparently the recoil was so bad that you could tell who used them by their missing teeth. So not something exactly taking off right now; King Dong-gun had laughed himself out of his chair about the reports. Seokjin thought maybe they ought to pay more attention to those kinds of innovations, even if quality results were way off, but this was one of many areas in which he and his father differed. King Dong-gun invested his money into things he could see with his own eyes or ideas that came from his own head. Seokjin was fascinated by the dreams that other people dreamed, since he lacked any real dreams of his own. His life was a scheduled, walled-in reality, not a dream.

Seokjin turned his finger pistols on Taehyung and smiled and nodded, like this was all a part of his plan. He didn’t have to see it to feel Jimin’s sigh, but the valet stood dutifully to the side, waiting to mount his own lesser steed until his liege had. 

There were few things in life Seokjin hated rising early for more than a hunt and yet, here he was, because there Nasimiyu was, and her parents, and their entourage, and a bigger gathering behind them of the lords and ladies King Dong-gun had said could come this time. It was hard to predict how many people he’d feel like dealing with at any given time. Right now, the answer appeared to be not many.

Despite his social limits, Seokjin’s father was clearly thrilled at the morning ahead. He strode around the stableyard on his massive black steed, chin high and hand raised as he greeted each person in turn, wishing them a good hunt. His announcement earlier that whomever killed the white bear would win a special prize had not earned him the cheer he wanted so now he was demanding cheer one by one.

“It’s too early for a hunt,” Seokjin muttered to himself, clearly not the only person who thought so. He watched as Nasimiyu, in a fitted dark green coat and riding pants, climbed a box to mount her horse. The women in Priva thought pants were unfashionable on a woman and wouldn’t be caught dead in them, but he rather liked it. Practical. Safer for riding. Gave a delicious view of strong thighs and a round backside. He didn’t care what a man’s backside and thighs looked like. Might as well put the men in the dresses! Fashion had developed as wrong as the idea of an early-morning hunt.

Hoseok’s painful-sounding throat clearing tipped Seokjin off that he was staring. He surged into action, slipping his booted foot into the stirrup and flinging his leg over as he recalled the reason he’d looked at Princess Nasimiyu: she looked very sleepy. Her eyes were soft and unfocused. She went where her maid or her mother nudged her. She had the most natural, neutral quality to her expression he’d ever seen on her and the whole package was doing dangerously soft things in his chest because this was a very important thing he now knew about his future queen: she was not a morning person. He suspected her maids had dressed her and pushed her out the door. Maybe the bright silky scarf holding her hair back was because she’d overslept and there hadn’t been time to style it; he knew a thing or two about that. And now he also knew that she greeted the day naturally beautiful and someday he’d wake up looking at her. Someday he’d see her in the mornings even before her maids did. His stomach twisted itself into knots.

It looked like she was only bringing one maid on the hunt, the one with the long braid. One of many things he found interesting about Nasimiyu, and different from the other noble women who flocked around the palace: she seemed to prefer a small entourage. Often there was one maid and one guard and that was all. He could respect that about her, that she didn’t seem to want to make such a big deal of herself. He really admired that, actually. He was like that too, after all. Yes, he wanted to look his best, and she obviously did too, but to not have all this fanfare every time he rose from a chair would be so freeing. 

Maybe, too, she knew how safe she was within the palace walls. The idea she already felt comfortable enough to only take one guard with her when she wandered the halls warmed his heart. She was very safe here! He hoped she trusted that, or would trust it in time. Security in this palace was the best to be found in the kingdom. His father ran a remarkably tight palace. No weak links here. No threats to the future Queen.

King Dong-gun raised his fisted hand and shouted, “Are – we – ready – hunters??” A jovial laugh erupted from the gaping black hole of his mouth. Seokjin couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of his own after this tongue failed to trap it. The response was forced and lackluster from all those around. A pitiful showing next to the king’s enthusiasm.

But his father misunderstood and crowed, “My son is ready! I believe today shall be another victory for the Kim family, eh Prince Hamisi? We Kims always catch what we hunt.”

“Is that so?” Prince Hamisi grinned, leaning forward in his saddle. “I’m only slightly sorry to be the cause of you or your son’s disappointment today. Hopefully my daughter can comfort your son’s wounded ego later.”

Seokjin didn’t quite follow why both men laughed so hard about this. Was it because Nasimiyu’s coldness towards him was so obvious? Was it because Seokjin successfully made it look like his ego was puncture-proof? Were they dreaming and joking about their children having sex? Or was it because they were each so certain of their own ability to catch the white bear that they could taunt the other now? It didn’t matter, Seokjin’s ears were on fire and he couldn't look at Nasimiyu’s face.

“What do we hunt with?” Nasimiyu asked. He sat up straighter in hsi saddle, because she didn’t seem to have directed the question at anyone in particular, which meant he could dive for it.

“A rifle,” Seokjin answered, startling his horse with the quick command to draw closer to her. King Dong-gun and Prince Hamisi had begun to lead the procession from the far side of the stableyard, but he and Princess Nasimiyu were closer to the middle so not moving yet. 

“Oh.” She looked down in her lap like she expected a rifle to be nestled there.

“They’ll hand them to us once we’re in the hunting grounds,” Seokjin explained. “We keep weapons like a rifle tightly controlled. They aren’t allowed in the city.”

“Isn’t it inevitable? I’m sure they’re already there.”

Seokjin shrugged, “Maybe they are or maybe they aren’t. I’ve never seen any. We have tight security and er, final consequences for being caught even with the powder. Anytime any sort of group tries to rise up with shady business, we shut them down.” And kill everyone involved , he chose not to add.

“So if you don’t see it, it must not be happening?”

“A lot happens that nobody sees,” Seokjin admitted. It was a joke about where they were headed, but since she didn’t know that yet, he realized it didn’t make sense. He nudged his horse a little to the left so he wouldn’t bump into her before offering, “When we get there, I can show you how to use a rifle–”

“I know how to use one,” she interrupted, then bobbed her head and added, “I think…” He wasn’t sure if that was meant as an apology or a confession, but either way was endearing. Short temper? Defensive? He was slow to anger so maybe that could be a good balance between them. Or something. 

“Ah… let’s make sure,” Seokjin said, chuckling. “It’s not the kind of thing you want to be unsure about.”

“I mean, I’ve used one before I just don’t know which kind you have… And where exactly are we going?”

It was like he could see her waking up as they followed the procession down through the back gates of the palace landing, to the back side of the mountain that wasn’t visible from anywhere inside the city. A narrow, winding, twisty path here could lead you all the way to the bottom and you’d be out of the capital city of Priva; it was the most direct way out. For even faster transportation, you could take the cable car that would let you cut the twists and turns and just slide right down, though it was dangerous and a little nauseating and really just for emergencies or for quickly transporting supplies that was safer not to send through the crowded Privan streets. Seokjin had only been on the cable car once and it was every shade of terrifying you could dream of and then some. He still had nightmares about someone just cutting the cable and dropping him to his death. It could happen! Jungkook had told him exactly how it could happen! Jungkook was always a little too excited to point out catastrophic dangers, eager to impress without thinking about the horror and fear his words could cause. Sure, they both had active imaginations together but at least Seokjin knew when to shut his mouth!

Jungkook was, of course, entirely too chipper about the hunting trip. He was all smiles, big eyes sparkling as he rode beside Nasimiyu’s guard behind them, a stern, much larger man who had never said a word as far as Seokjin knew. Behind them, Jimin and Nasimiyu’s maid rode beside each other. Seokjin saw Jimin say something that earned a glance but no response from the maid. Damnit, he really needed to memorize the names of Nasimiyu’s staff but sometimes names flowed in one ear and out the other like water through a hollow gourd –the words of Mr. Jung, not his own. Often words flowed out of his mouth the same way –the words of Hoseok, not his own, followed by a teasing but friendly smile and a pat on the shoulder, and then Jungkook pretending to take Hoseok down, and Seokjin playfully scolding them both, feelings not at all hurt by this accurate assessment. Why should he stop the words? His jokes were great.

Like now as he joked, “Like Kalamaouche , we descend into the subterranean…”

Nasimiyu blinked almost owlishly at him and asked, “What did you say?”

“Kalamouche?”

“And… subterranean? I don’t understand anything you’re saying right now…” she admitted. He could see her lean away. That made the misses more embarrassing, that she physically recoiled from him when it happened.

“You’ll see… One of the most closely guarded secrets in Priva…” He was trying to be mysterious and wiggled his eyebrows but she just looked confused. “Oh, but what if your secret cave is better?”

“I beg your pardon?”

He sighed and shook his head, “I got ahead of myself with the grand reveal but of course yours is probably better, You have a much more elaborate cave network.”

“ What?”

Directly in front of them rode Lord Balor Jehoram and his son Prassani, and it was the former who let out a hearty laugh and tossed back, “Speaking about a ladies caves is a little uncouth in such a crowd, is it not?”

“Father…” his son warned, looking scandalized. He sent Seokjin a nervous glance. But now Seokjin heard his own words, now that Lord Jehoram had pointed them out. Oops.

“Oh! Ah, no, uh… I meant… literal caves… Marvono is full of them! Right?” He looked to Nasimiyu for confirmation. He felt like he might throw up.

“Oh. You, uh…” It was like a blanket passed across her face and her expression shifted entirely, her sharpened glare relaxing into one of relief, “Yes, we have an elaborate cave network in Marvono.”

“There’s only one cave here, and it’s the best cave in all of Yeonhalbi,” Seokjin said. He didn’t know if that was true but suddenly hoped it was, because he had hoped this could impress Nasimiyu and now realized it probably wouldn’t. Because her home was full of caves. Natural ones. Not this man-made monstrosity, this place of nightmares, this genuinely insane thing his father and grandfather had done and that nobles creamed themselves over getting invited into.

He grimaced at his own mental language. Jungkook, Yoongi, and Taehyung were rubbing off on him. No, not that way! But maybe this vow of total sexual abstinence he’d taken was starting to backfire… Jimin had told him it was a bad idea but frankly he was worried about his nerves getting in the way when he and Nasimiyu became intimate and the physician had suggested he stop taking matters into his own hands for a while. A little built-up frustration can be good for you! Seokjin’s life was full of frustrations but he’d never let himself suffer long in that department until now. Fuck, what if he was going to start letting those kinds of jokes or comments slip?! He better not! The mortification… he’d quite literally just sink to the floor and die. Nasimiyu seemed like the kind of woman who arched her eyebrow in judgment and that would be the end of Prince Seokjin. No more Kim dynasty.

“I suppose we’ll see about that,” Nasimiyu said, briefly making him panic that she had read his mind. But she hadn’t, just lifted her gaze curiously as the parade took a right at the fork in the path, curving around to heavy stone doors that had been unlocked and dragged open that morning. This was the only fork in the path, the only space wide enough to turn around and go back up, and also the only entrance to where they were going now. Seokjin could hear the noise of those doors grinding open every time there was a hunt, and it always filled him with a sense of dread, but even more so this morning…

But what could he do about it? Nothing except make the best of it. He wondered how long it would take before someone brought up that one time…

He paused briefly before going through the gate, torn between a terror of looking out at the long drop on the other side of that low railing and terror at the cold dark lifeless air that hovered in the entrance. His horse shied away, and Nasimiyu’s horse stopped too, as if in solidarity.

“Are you all right?” she asked, brows knitting in a beautiful curiosity.

Seokjin gave her a broad smile, “Yes, why wouldn’t I be? Just taking a moment to enjoy the crisp cave air. Are you all right?”

“So far…” she answered, and Seokjin laughed as his heart soared. A joke! She was joking with him! He didn’t know if it meant he was growing on her, or if she actually was afraid right now and that vulnerability had slipped out in the guise of a joke. He was beside himself either way. It was time for him to be brave. After all, he knew what lay ahead, and it was just a yawning black hole to her.

“Just wait, you’ve never seen anything like this, I bet,” he assured her. “And if you have, I’ll eat my hat.”

“You’re not wearing a hat.”

“But I own many. I’ll even let you choose which one I consume.” He nudged his horse into a walk and hers followed at her nudge. To put her at ease, he continued to describe his various hats to her to amuse and distract her as their horses stepped from the bright sunlight of outside into the bright lights of the cave.

“What in the world…”

Seokjin actually did, for once, feel a little pride as Nasimiyu and those with her stared up and around in awe. 

This entrance cavern was huge, plenty of space for forty people and their horses to pause so that servants could collect rifles from the armory hollowed out in one side of the massive cavern. Despite the yawning darkness seen from outside, inside and past that initial spooky passage, the cave was well lit.

“What is that?” Nasimiyu gasped –not, not Nasimiyu, her maid, who’d ridden up close. A moment later she blinked away from the organic lights overhead, temporarily blinded by the brightness. Nasimiyu watched her with obvious concern and curiosity and turned to Seokjin for an answer.

“Lumilyte,” he said.

“What’s lumilyte?”

“Discovery out of Therepin,” he said, chest puffing up. “You’re looking at all that exists in the world except for a small sample they still have there to study. There’s a scientist trying to see if he can reproduce it.”

“It’s incredible…” her maid said mused, still glancing up even though she was rubbing her eyes.

Nasimiyu lifted a hand as if she could touch it, asking, “It’s a rock? It just glows that bright forever?”

“Yes. It’s been here since my grandfather’s time.”

“It could light households all over Yeonhalbi for– for nothing, no wax, no oil, no wicks, no– it could completely change the lives of…”

Seokjin nodded, “Right! That’s what they’re trying to figure out in Therepin. Plants will even grow under it, though not as quickly as under the sun–”

“But why in Therepin?” Nasimiyu demanded. “You have an entire cave of it right here!”

Ah. Seokjin’s mouth twitched nervously because… well, yes. There was an entire cave of it right here. This cave of it –not to mention where it appeared through the remaining caves– could at least light all the homes in Priva, maybe even one or two more principalities, but not all of them. He didn’t really have a head for those types of calculations but… but yes, he had thought of the same thing, a question that had died on his lips when he’d asked his father, who had scoffed at the idea with the simple rebuttal it’s the only thing that can light our cave; are you saying there should be no hunting for nobles in Priva? How will we keep the nobles in line if we have no entertainment to offer them? And the hunting grounds create jobs…

It hadn’t been worth fighting over. What was Seokjin going to do, climb to the ceiling of the cave and steal the rocks and distribute them himself?

But now he had the uncomfortable situation of not being able to answer all of this. Maybe once Nasimiyu was his wife, he’d be more comfortable explaining to her the ways of the world, or saying things that might, to some, sound like a criticism of his father. The situation was complex and Seojin knew his limits. Nasimiyu would understand it in time too. Ruling was complicated. Seokjin was terrified of the day it would be his turn. 

“Yes, unfortunately this stone must stay in here,” he said simply. “Some of the other areas are lit by windows in the ceiling or great fires –be careful around the fires, there have been injuries before…” Now he looked more closely at her head scarf and worried. The truth was the hunting grounds weren’t exactly a safe place. Accidents happened all the time. Burns, animal attacks, mistaken shots. Probably not everything was accidental, truth be told. One particular cave was jokingly called ‘The Widow Maker.’ He knew Prince Hamisi had been eager for the hunt but now Seokjin wondered why Nasimiyu had come along for it.

She was asking him something else but he suddenly offered, “We don’t have to hunt if you would prefer not to. We could ride through the city instead? You said you like to ride.”

“I want to see the caves,” she said simply, and called to her maid, “Will you fetch us rifles?” He felt like he’d missed part of their conversation; she’d moved so quickly from awe to… determined? Focus? Annoyed with him? He felt like she was annoyed with him.

The handmaid looked surprised but she didn’t need to go anywhere to get anything; there were palace staff bringing around the rifles and ammo as the Master of the Hunt went round by groups and gave the instructions. Seokjin accepted the rifle and slung the ammo bag over his shoulders, fingers itching to help Nasimiyu as she did the same.

At least, to his great joy, she asked, “Will you teach me how to shoot?” At first Seokjin didn’t think the question was leveled at him, but she continued to stare at him as the armorers walked off to deliver weapons to others. At the last second, she called back, “For my maid?”

“Servants don’t hunt, they fetch,” an armorer told her.

“I want mine armed,” Nasimiyu argued. The maid looked mortified but stayed silent.

Embarrassed himself by anyone arguing with her, Seokjin quickly intervened, “Why do you act like we are short on servants to fetch things? Let her maid carry a rifle. Are you afraid you’ll be shot? Worry more about those nervous lordlings over there and bring someone else to fetch for the Princess and… and a servant for her servant as well, if she wants!”

The handmaid actually leaned out of her saddle, touching Nasimiyu’s arm. The whole exchange was odd –who would arm a lady’s maid?!-- but actually Seokjin was relieved. Nasimiyu was a noble! She was supposed to be a little odd! If she was odd, she’d be more likely to accept his own oddities, and she’d probably get along better with his father. A noble without oddities was much, much scarier because probably they were just too good at deeply hiding whatever was wrong with them. Something really terrible. At least among men. Maybe that wasn’t necessarily true about the ladies; many of them were just without much substance, but Nasimiyu was full of substance from what he could see, so there must be some oddities and eccentricities in there as well. Right? Please?

Nasimiyu only visibly relaxed once her maid and bodyguard were holding rifles. It made Seokjin suspect she was just nervous overall. He could understand that. It was soft if she was nervous, especially as the first pops of practice shots began to echo around the stone cavern. Nasimiyu’s whole body flinched; her bodyguard and maid sat up higher in their saddles and looked for the source of the sound, but the echo obfuscated it, and anyway, more shots started.

“It’s all right,” Seokjin assured them. “It’s just practice shots over there. It’s fine.”

At Seokjin’s nod, Jungkook slid down and leaned close with Nasimiyu’s guard to talk about the rifle, which he did not seem familiar with. Seokjin brushed away several hunting staff offering to help the Princess in favor of walking her through it himself. Hay barrels sat against a wall at the far end of the cave for practice shots, and soon the deafening echo of rifle shots bounced around.

“Oh this is awful,” Nasimiyu murmured, reaching behind her. Seokjin offered his arm, which surprised her despite reaching for it. 

“We have wax for your ear, if you’d like,” he offered. “But then you won’t hear things once we’re further in.” He had to lean close to feel certain she could hear him.

“Is what he said true? There are really animals loose down here and we run through all these caves searching for them?”

“You may walk or ride, whichever you prefer.”

“Deer and rabbits and even birds, all raised down in the dark, just waiting for…” She trailed off and looked to him with something like awe, despite her shoulders twitching every time a new shot rang out.

“Let me show you, you'll pick it up fast. Father will start the hunt soon so people can move out,” Seokjin assured her, moving her more quickly towards the hay stacks. Belatedly he looked back and gestured to her maid, “You need to learn too, right?” She looked startled to be addressed, but Seokjin thought it was pretty important that a woman potentially firing a weapon anywhere near Nasimiyu needed to know what she was doing.

The noise and punctuation of practice shots meant teaching Nasimiyu and her maid was not quite as romantic as he would have liked. He showed them how to load, how to aim, how to fire, both well-cautioned about the recoil and how to brace against it so they wouldn’t hurt themselves. There were already two bloody noses down the line, lordlings who would not be joining the hunt now.

As he leaned in to make sure Nasimiyu was holding properly,he added quietly, “You don’t need to shoot anything if you don’t like and if at any point you just want out of there, let me know and I’ll whisk you away.”

“You don’t seem to enjoy the hunt much, Your Highness.”

“I think it’s an acquired taste,” he suggested. “One which not everyone acquires.”

“Well I assure you I am just as capable of acquiring a taste for the hunt as any man.” She sounded so bold as she said it, chin lifted, eyes flashing. But every time another shot went off, she twitched, and her hands shook as Seokjin led her and her maid back to their horses. Proud , he thought. Strong. Brave. But soft too.  

Maybe this whole hunting trip was worth it if he could learn so much so quickly about Nasimiyu, and it felt like she was finally paying some attention to him! 

In all the chaos, Seokjin hadn’t realized that he’d managed to lose both Jimin and Jungkook, until Jimin came running up and said, “King Dong-gun is looking for you to start the hunt. Will you be riding or walking?”

“Riding,” he answered, glancing at Nasimiyu to see if she’d disagreed. She did not. He figured on horses they could take some of the side paths and get away quickly from the bulk of people. It would be quieter and safer, which he suspected she would appreciate. “We’ll begin, Princess. Can I mount you?” He bowed and held his hand out, trying to be as romantic and debonair as possible.

She gave him a stunned expression; behind him, he heard Jimin start to choke. Seokjin didn’t understand; was his offer really so unkind?

The maid took Nasimiyu’s rifle but the bodyguard was the one to step forward and help lift her onto her horse. He tossed the maid onto her horse too. During the commotion, Jimin leaned forward and repeated his own words.

Well. Well shit. 

Seokjin wanted to melt into the floor and die. Things had been almost going well? Except for the constant headache-inducing, heart-stopping echo of rifle shots hopefully fired with purpose into the hay. 

“Let’s start the hunt,” Seokjin said, probably inaudible but too mortified to say anything else. He ought to apologize, right? Assure her he simply misspoke? He did not want to –he had done his absolute best not to think of Nasimiyu sexually yet but– well but she did look like that and he couldn’t help where his mind wandered at night and– all right, so he did , and now he couldn’t stop thinking about what his own words had revealed… 

Better just to forge ahead and not think twice about it. About what he’d said. And about mounting her! Definitely it would do him no good to be thinking about sex right now when they needed to survive this hunt without getting themselves shot or mauled, all because King Dong-gun’s idea of a good time was… this . And apparently Nasimiyu’s father’s too. Something they had in common! Seokjin would make sure everyone in their party came out unscathed. Somehow.

Except Jungkook. He might shoot Jungkook, whose whole face was red except for the spot on his lip, white where he’d been biting to keep from laughing. His eyes danced with amusement. He looked like he was about to be sick from the effort of holding his laughter in.

“I’ll kill you,” Seokjin whispered to him. 

Which unfortunately wound up not being a whisper due to some inexplicable hush that washed around the area.

“Not truly,” Seokjin quickly corrected at Nasimiyu’s shocked look.

The laughter bubbled out of Jungkook, unprofessional but clearly not threatened. 

“Seokjin!” he heard his father shouting. Not happily. “Where is my son so we can begin?!”

Seokjin gave Nasimiyu a watery smile and said, “Welcome to the hunt, Princess. Don’t take it too seriously.”

He saw the question on Jimin’s face and ignored it, tugging his horse to the right so he could lead the way to his father. What the fuck does that mean? Don’t take it too seriously? Fuck if he knew… Would he ever manage to look serious and competent in front of the princess? No, probably, sadly, not.

The Privan hunt was the most ostentatious, elaborate, magical, selfish, gluttonous, ridiculous thing Nasimiyu had ever laid eyes on. 

She knew more than she let on about this to Seokjin. She never had fired a weapon herself but she’d seen them before, though certainly not in a mob in a massive but echoing cavern. Her father had told her about an underground hunt with magical lights, but never more than that and it had failed to arouse the actual experience in even her wildest imagination. And to watch the way the other lords and ladies sped off on horses down the large paths or on foot down the smaller paths once the firing of a pistol straight at the ceiling marked the beginning of the hunt–

It was disgusting. Nasimiyu struggled to keep her lip from curling and her brow from lowering in what would have been too obvious a judgment.

“Do you hunt in Marvono?” Lord Téo Ascanio asked. Nasimiyu glanced at him and quickly softened her look when Dulce sneezed, an obvious nudge from her maid that her face was revealing her annoyance at being addressed. When she and Dulce had agreed to follow Seokjin, she had hoped it would mean they were away from everyone. She thought Seokjin hoped that too, judging by his disappointment when three lords and two ladies had clomped after them, giggling that the betrotheds shouldn’t be alone just yet and also that maybe Seokjin had a lead on where the elusive white bear was hiding. The one the king would pay you a handsome reward in gold for. For killing him, this poor bear who was just trying to eke out a living in this vast underground cave network he’d been trapped in by men. To exist only as something to be hunted.

A fucking travesty.

“There is a hunt, yes,” she said. “With bows, not rifles… it’s annual, meant to curb invasive species and provide meat for those without.” 

“And you do it? Hunt? How are you with a bow?” Lord Jothi Harker pressed.

Nasimiyu didn’t know why these men were so interested in her when there were two perfectly good women in their party, one of whom was single. Curiosity? Or nosiness? She decided she wanted to sound strong and capable and confirmed,

“I do very well on the hunt, yes.”

“Bet your hunt isn’t anything like ours though,” Lady Cassia Clet insisted. She was in high spirits, having brought down a large goose in the previous watery cavern so tall that the fowl had taken to the air and disappeared through an unreachable passageway at the first echoes of gunshot. They weren’t quick enough in their escape though. Lady Clet and her husband Sarvesh both had geese to show for it.

“That is very true.”

Nasimiyu didn’t consider herself overly fond of animals, but she thought it required a hard heart to not see this as tragic. She could not, for the life of her, figure out what Seokjin thought about it, which had her curious. He kept contradicting himself. In all things, sure, but in this especially, where in one breath he would brag about the life-changing stones they hoarded for their pleasure and then reassure her that they did not have to partake in this at all with a shockingly apologetic look on his face. She had to be misunderstanding him, right? She longed for a moment alone with Dulce to ask her thoughts, but with so many wild idiots loose with weapons, her bodyguard stuck obnoxiously close to her. 

And honestly, that was a little comforting. This whole thing was so stupid and she found herself thinking well here’s the solution, you could assainate anyone in this cave and no one would ever know. Had King Dong-gun really made this so easy? Surely not… Just like surely no one would be surprised for the King to disappear into these caves and later be found dead.

“Wow.”

Nasimiyu turned at the gasp of awe from Dulce as they entered another massive cavern. None of this felt real. The entire capital city of Priva was built on these breathtaking caverns, so large it was easy to forget you were even underground except for the spiderweb of passages connecting them. Dulce’s eyes reflected the thing that impressed her, the glittering star-like dots of light against a dark sky that cast a bluish glow on the forest they looked down on from their high path. Outside was a crisp morning sun but in here felt like twilight. A craggy cliff on the far side looks like any other mountain aboveground. A buck with a massive set of antlers lifted his head majestically and looked at the intruders in his space. It was breathtaking.

Nasimiyu’s gasp seemed to echo in the wake of the crack of a rifle. For a moment the deer shuddered and froze, then it turned and ran a few steps before lurching to the side, where it tumbled right down the cliff into the forest below.

“Ah, damn, it wasn’t a clean shot,” Lord Ascanio said to Lord Harker, who’d taken the shot.

“It was! He went right now!”

“No, he took a few steps and stumbled.”

“Yes from the bullet through his heart.”

“No, he’s probably still alive down there.”

“After that fall? I doubt it.”

“You’d better go look,” Lord Clet suggested.

“Damn,” Lord Harker grumbled, looking at the thick forests and the steep climb down. “Don’t know what else might be down there…” He did not look inclined to follow Lord Clet’s advice.

Lady Clet gave him a pointed look and pressed, “Didn’t you think about that before you shot? Even if you’d dropped him up there, you’d still have to find a way to retrieve him.”

“What ever do I need to get him for? That’s the fetchers job,” he motioned to the mounted servants behind him. “Besides, you all witnessed the kill.”

“So you’re planning just to leave a dead or dying deer out there,” Nasimiyu found herself snapping. That was certainly not how they hunted in Marvono, where anything killed was used down to the bone, every organ and sinew and scrap of meat.

Lord Ascanio turned to one of the servants assisting them on the hunt and ordered, “Go fetch it.” The servant’s eyes grew very large as he looked to the other servants. Three of them in all, plus hers and Seokjin’s bodyguards and personal servants. Such a large mounted party and yet the deer hadn’t fled immediately when they entered this place. They didn’t fear people in here despite their whole existence built by the hunt. It made everything even more disgusting to her. She hoped there was something down there in those ominous trees that could take out a few people now and then, just to balance the scales.

She missed whatever Seokjin said, though after five days she was beginning to recognize the low hum of his voice muttering –he seemed to talk to himself a great deal without expecting anyone was listening. Dulce had told her he was sometimes narrating whatever he did and other times making “what appear to be jokes because he seems to laugh at them even though they don’t make any sense to me…”

This time his bodyguard appeared to have heard him though and suddenly slid from his horse and tossed the reigns to the big-eyed servant, 

“All right, I’ll head down, but you wait here with my horse.”

“You’re going to get it?” Miss Sotiria Tulia asked, mouth dropping with interest. The bodyguard gave her a rather charming smile and Nasimiyu thought Dulce’s initial impression was probably right that he was a flirt. He sure looked like one.

“Oh well if it’s all right for him to go down, I’ll go too–”

“Please stay on your horse, Lord Harker,” Seokjin interrupted, raising a hand. “Jungkook is familiar with these caves.”

“But it’s my kill. Your man there will find my dead deer, stab the corpse, and claim it was his.”

“Care to go with me?” Jungkook the bodyguard asked, pushing up his sleeves and eying the drop as if he was going to run and jump. “I can probably carry you both back up. Might take two trips.”

“You didn’t even want the body,” Nasimiyu pointed out. She didn’t know why she suddenly felt compelled to agree with the Prince that Lord Harker shouldn’t go but she did. “Besides, can’t you tell what the cause of death was?” She glanced at Dulce.

“Maybe not if the injuries are that close together,” Dulce admitted, earning scandalized looks from the other women –either about her knowledge of death or because she’d dared to speak when her superiors were debating.

“It’s not about the body or claiming a kill,” Prince Seokjin insisted. “It’s about not leaving a deer to die a slow and painful death if the shot wasn’t good.”

“The shot was good.”

“My man will confirm and you will remain horsed,” Seokjin said, and there was an edge of authority to his voice Nasimiyu had not heard from him in the six days she had been in Priva so far. It bookered no argument. It was shocking.

The group fell silent, long enough that for the first time the noise of the forest actually reached them –chirping birds and rustling leaves even though there was no wind and occasionally the snap of a twig. Without the inane chatter, it seemed suddenly very dense and wild down there. Nasimiyu looked down at the tops of the trees and again considered how very easy it would be for an accident to happen. She didn’t need Dulce to point that out. She could have figured it out for herself, and in under a week!

“Trouble?”

They all spun at the voice, not of their party. A shriveled, gnarled old man approached, a moving pile of furs and leather clothing.

“No, Master. A deer was shot and fell, so my man is going to make sure it’s done with.” 

Who was this man Seokjin referred to as Master? Nasimiyu glanced at Dulce and the others but read no answer in their expressions.

The old man nodded, “All right, I’ll show the way, come with me, young buck.” Jungkook looked amused by this and followed the old man. Just like that, Seokjin let his bodyguard walk off. He must feel pretty confident he was in no danger, and Nasimiyu could practically hear what Dulce would say about it in her mind: don’t assume he’s stupid, he may have security you don’t know. Maybe the valet is secretly a second bodyguard. People don’t hold onto a crown by being stupid. Nasimiyu didn’t know if that was true, based on what she’d seen so far but… well, she wasn’t wed yet, so it wasn’t like she could just push him off his horse over the cliff and be done with it anyway.

Nasimiyu felt like she did not understand what was happening as Seokjin insisted the others ride ahead but motioned for her to stay put. The others didn’t want to go, the ladies laughed that shouldn’t they stay to chaperone? , but Seokjin was adamant and Nasimiyu was stunned by his sudden and unexpected authority. Maybe the others were too and that was what convinced them to go.

Once it was only Prince Seokjin, his valet, Nasimiyu, Dulce, and her bodyguard left, Seokjin let out a sigh, “I’m very sorry about all of… that.”

“All of what?” she asked, not sure what he meant.

“The… well, you were upset, weren’t you? You don’t need to be –Jungkook will make sure the beast doesn’t suffer and–”

“I am no wilting flower, Your Majesty–”

“Seokjin,” he suggested, and she felt both annoyed and flustered by the soft way he looked at her. “Or Jin.” Oh dear, was he trying to have an intimate moment with her? In an ostentatious, absurd cavern of wasted resources and the distant rhythm of rifles firing? She shuddered to think what would happen if those sorts of weapons permeated Yeonhalbi. No, when. If there were so many here in the cave, they were definitely elsewhere too. Maybe Dulce could help her manufacture some accident where every single one of them got destroyed…

“I don’t believe in the waste of animals,” she continued. “But I know where our food comes from and I’m not above dirtying my hands when it’s necessary.” She paused, feeling her cheeks heat up. She shouldn’t get worked up in front of Seokjin. She shouldn’t appear too smart or too threatening or too aware of the world. 

“Jothi and Teo were too riled up, and the forest down there is… unsettling. They would have shot each other thinking one of them was a wild hog, I just know it, and then we’d have to deal with that… and it wasn’t a clean shot, so someone needed to go down, but I don’t think Jothri could finish it up close,” he rambled, watching her closely, as if testing whether what she said was true or not, that she was unbothered. “I thought they or this whole thing were upsetting you…”

“I’m all right,” she insisted. “I certainly know shooting from a distance is different than finishing something up close.” 

“Yes, exactly.” The unspoken addition: but your bodyguard is comfortable with either. And Nasimiyu thought smugly to herself so is my maid.

They settled into silence. Seokjin gazed out at the forest as his horse shifted, bored and calm.

“It was a beautiful deer,” Seokjin admitted after only a few minutes, like he couldn’t bear the silence after all. “I wouldn’t have shot it. But don’t worry, nothing shot in these caves goes to waste, even if the nobles don’t understand. The game masters make sure of it. They keep a tight ecosystem running down here. Even if Lord Harker had left it, Master Boutros or one of the others would have found it; they do a look through all the caves afterwards, make sure nothing is permanently damaged, see what needs to be done to restore the peace.”

“The peace,” Nasimiyu repeated. She didn’t flinch this time but glanced towards the hall the others had disappeared down as the echo of gunshot reached them It was ‘unsettling,’ to re-use Seokjin’s word. “When we hunt in Marvono, it restores balance. We hunt things like boar which overpopulate and can push out other species. We hunt wolves, if there are too many coming into the towns. We only hunt a limited number of deer and birds to make sure numbers remain stable without crowding. We restore the peace. But this breaks the peace, you said. You think that?” 

She shouldn’t have said that. She watched him closely, reckless but curious how he would respond to a rather thinly veiled political statement, a rather scathing remark –if he understood it– about this frivolous hunt. Was all of his talk since they’d come down here actually hinting at a royal prince dissatisfied with the world order? It had never occurred to her that Prince Seokjin might be rebellious in that way, but surely she couldn’t be the only young noble in the world one who realized they needed to use their privilege and power to make things better for more than themselves… and how much good could a prince accomplice if so motivated! How much good should this prince have already done if so motivated… The idea of Prince Seokjin as some secret force of good died as soon as the thought entered her mind before he even opened his mouth.

“Well the real peace down here was… nothing,” he said. “Nothing lived down here when my grandfather found these caverns –well except for these trees and some fish in one of the others. They didn’t even have eyes.”

“The trees?”

“No, the fish.”

“No, I mean that the trees were here? With no light?”

“These lights were here,” Seokjin said, pointing up to the faux-starry sky. “It always looks like this in here.”

“That’s… You’re telling me the truth?”

“I always will, Princess!” 

“But doesn’t that seem strange to you?”

“Yes,” he laughed. “Yes, it does.” 

“How did a King even find this place?” Dulce asked. Nasimiyu turned, having momentarily forgotten her handmaid was even there. She’d gotten wrapped up in trying to feel out Seokjin, apparently, and did not come away quite satisfied. He seemed in awe of his father and grandfather again. How disappointing.

“Huh,” Seokjin mused, lips pursed. “I never asked that… Does seem strange a king would wander this far into a dark, lifeless cave… Maybe my father knows but I’m not sure you’d get an answer from him.”

Dulce looked quickly away, but Nasimiyu smiled fondly at her. Dulce was curious, though she tried to hide it. Tried to act like she didn’t care about anything ever. Don’t ever let anyone know what you want , she’d told Nasimiyu. Nasimiyu had taken that advice to heart. At least she’d tried.

Seokjin’s smile grew as he continued, “Ah, it’s a really good question though! Maybe he was looking for someplace to be alone. This is a beautiful place to be alone, isn’t it?”

“It’s terrifying,” Nasimiyu corrected. “We’re underneath a city. You don’t know what’s in the forest down there.”

“Oh, that’s just Jungkook.”

“No, what I mean is–”

But Jungkook actually was on his way up, grunting and huffing his way up a narrow ramp carved into the cliff below them –it was invisible from the top but she saw it now as Jungkook dragged himself onto the path, a massive dead deer over his shoulders like a knapsack. It was grotesquely ridiculous.  

“I will get the sled and take it out for you,” the Game Master said, scurrying off fast and sort of hunched over. Had he looked that old before he came down here or the caverns aged him like that? What sort of life must it be to work down here? Did he ever leave? Nasimiyu found it heartbreaking; how many lives were ruined for this “game”?!

The deer’s, certainly.

“You carried that by yourself?” Nasimiyu gasped, stunned into it as Jungkook squatted and eased the deer off his shoulders with the help of Nasimiyu’s bodyguard.

Jungkook smiled, “Yes, Princess–”

“It’s not that big,” Seokjin quickly interrupted. 

“Two hundred pounds. Maybe a little more,” Jungkook said, turning that cocky grin to Seokjin. Oh yes, Dulce must be right, Jungkook was probably trouble with the ladies and maybe more. How did she notice things like that so damn quick?! But that was the smile of a man who had no social power, only charm to get his way.

“I can carry that–”

“Bloody dead deer?” Jungkook asked. Interrupted his prince without a second thought! And just as surprising –or maybe not at all surprising for Prince Seokjin– he didn’t seem to care either. 

“I’ve hauled you dead drunk…” Seokjin defended only to trail off, looking at his valet as if he was the actual authority here. Nasimiyu glanced at Dulce, to see if she was seeing this too, but Dulce was looking at the dead dear, its head resting at an odd angle.  

There was a shift in Jungkook’s voice as he suddenly dismissed, “I’m more belligerent, that’s true. The deer isn’t that impressive. Your shoulders are broad enough, we know you can carry it. Want me to cart it out or… I’m–”

“Was it already dead?” Dulce asked. Jungkook seemed surprised by the question. That quickly shifted to exactly the sort of smile Nasimiyu would expect a man like Jungkook to level at a pretty woman like Dulce –particularly a woman he thought nothing more than a soft, shy, quiet handmaiden.

“It was not but I ended its suffering fast,” Jungkook assured her. “You don’t need to worry about it, miss.”

How did she do it, keep that straight face? Nasimiyu herself didn’t know how much suffering Dulce had put an end to –namely by murdering the people causing the suffering. But she endured this patronizing from Prince Seokjin’s bodyguard and just closed her eyes and lowered her face like she was gentle and emotional and grateful to hear this. She suspected Dulce was mentally plotting Jungkook’s demise and it amused her. 

To hide her inappropriate smile, Nasimiyu asked Seokjin, “Is there really a white bear down here?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ve never seen it. The Game Masters say yes but… would they tell me the truth?” He arched his eyebrow at the one now returning with a rolling cart. “My father says there is and so we hunt.”

“Even if it’s not true? An empty promise?”

“Even if there is no white bear, isn’t the search part of the fun? The possibility? All these wonderful experiences we get to have along the way?” He gestured to Jungkook and Nasimiyu’s bodyguard helping Master Boutros load the deer onto the cart. The back of Jungkook’s tunic was a sheet of shiny, slippery red. Seokjin’s valet held his jacket, which a moment later hid the carnage from sight. 

She still couldn’t believe Jungkook had piggy-backed that thing up the side of the cliff. He must be stronger than he looked for someone so thin and even a smidge shorter than the Prince himself. Were they only joking Seokjin could have carried the deer? Jungkook must have just said it to tease or flatter the Prince. Which was interesting, if the bodyguard felt so comfortable teasing his Royal Highness, but it was also curious if Seokjin was stronger than he looked, too. 

Dulce’s snort surprised her. She must have missed something, but she saw the way Dulce looked quickly out at the forest and lowered her brow, disengaging, probably so as not to reveal something a handmaid shouldn’t understand.

This place was giving Nasimiyu the creeps now though. It felt like the forest had suddenly gone silent, so she insisted,

“Let’s continue. I’d like to hunt something but… not a deer.”

“Oh? You would? I can lead you to the right place then.”

“A white bear.”

“You… you want to shoot a bear,” Seokjin clarified, obviously stunned.

“No, I just want to hunt for it. I’m just a wilty little girl who can’t handle a hunt. I could never shoot a bear unless it directly threatened me or those I love. Maybe not even then.”

Seokjin bowed his head, “Very well, Princess. On we go. Let’s see if we can find a bear for you.” 

I know exactly where the bear is , Nasimiyu thought.

They did not find a bear. Nasimiyu never fired her rifle once, nor her bodyguard or maid, despite Nasimiyu’s insistence they be armed. They also never got a moment as alone as they had in the forest cavern; instead they fell in shortly with more hunters, eventually Prince Hamisi and Seokjin’s father as well even though Seokjin had tried to stay clear of them. From that point, Seokjin had to work harder at not letting his disdain for the hunt show by actually pretending to hunt. The last thing he needed was a scene with his father in front of the Princess. 

So he fired a few times at things that weren’t there, laughed good-naturedly when his father made a few jokes about his aim, cracked jokes to calm the mood when some others made jokes about his aim and King Dong-gun became very serious and very frightening, and then finally rescued a turtle that had managed to wander right into the path as the trumpets sounded through the caverns, letting the hunters know the day was done and it was time to return aboveground for lunch.

He thought no one was paying much attention to him as he’d slid from his horse, scooped the small tortoise up, and carried it to the side of the path. He paused to consider whether it was better to leave the tortoise here or take it with him. He preferred soft fuzzy pets, but if this tortoise had wandered onto the path once, he’d likely do it again. Trampled, not even a glorious end. But what if he had a little tortoise family down here? What if he liked it down here? Could anyone like it down here? Maybe you could, if it was all you’d ever known. Should he do the kind thing and show the tortoise there was more to the world?

“Your Highness,” Jimin called, and Seokjin heard the warning in his voice. Don’t smuggle a tortoise out.  

All right, that sealed it. He didn’t know anything about tortoises, but he’d find someone who did. He tucked the tortoise into the satchel at his waist and headed towards his horse. Once mounted, he realized Nasimiyu’s handmaiden was watching him. 

Damn, had she seen him take the tortoise? Did she have an opinion about that? Would Nasimiyu have an opinion about it? At some point he was going to have to introduce Nasimiyu to his animals and he had not gotten a sense from this trip whether that would go well or not. He couldn’t tell whether she had a soft spot for animals or just found blood-thirsty competition a bore. Would she think his fur babies were cute or disgusting? At least he didn’t think she’d be afraid of them, the way other ladies might be. One of many reasons he had never taken a woman to his bedroom before…

To cover his tracks, he called loudly, “You there, did you enjoy the hunt?”

“Um…” The poor handmaid looked panicked. She turned her face away and nudged her horse to hide herself behind Nasimiyu. If she’d noticed the tortoise, maybe she’d forgotten in her panic. Or maybe she thought it was a nice thing! She’d been worried about the deer too. Poor thing. This must be even more overwhelming to a handmaiden not used to this kind of wealth and splendor. Nasimiyu seemed less naive about how ridiculous wealth could look. 

Well now he realized he’d better hurry up though so he could deposit the tortoise in his room until he found someone to help him with it. He was all too happy to fall into line behind his father and lead the way out of the caves, both wonderful and unsettling. The sunlight felt warm and safe but also a tad foreign, like he had already started to forget what wide open sky looked like.

“Just hang in for a little bit,” he murmured, patting the satchel.

He could feel Jimin’s dissatisfied glare and it made him smile the entire ride back.

“He took what ?” Nasimiyu asked, paired with an incredulous look.

“A turtle. Thing. A turtle kind of thing.”

“He killed nothing but he kidnapped a turtle.”

“I think he likes animals more than people,” Dulce mused. Her eyebrows raised suddenly as she admitted, “Oh… I didn’t tell you… there’s a rumor he keeps all kinds of small animals in his bedroom.”

Nasimiyu blinked at her. Her mouth dropped. There was a long pause before,

“What kind of small animals. Cats?”

“No one means ‘cats’ when they say ‘small animals,’” Dulce pointed out. “Maybe like rats or something.”

“He keeps rats in his bedroom!?” At Dulce’s shrug, Nasimiyu covered her face and groaned, “I need you to get in there and tell me exactly what he’s keeping in his bedroom. We have been here six days and if at some point I make my way into that bedroom and am presented with small creatures that I don’t expect, I will not be able to maintain my composure. I will stab someone and I will not miss, thanks to you!”

“Well… you could go see for yourself. You’d have an easier time getting in there than I would and if you got caught you could just pretend that–” Dulce began, but Nasimiyu grabbed her wrist and glared, “Do not finish that thought.”

“All right, fine. Don’t go into his bedroom until I’ve scouted it out. See if you can resist him that long.” Her mouth twitched with almost a smile as she lifted her glass. It earned a somewhat mean smile from Nasimiyu.

“While you’re at it, I think you need to fuck Jungkook.”

It was a true testament to Dulce’s composure that she simple finished her sip of juice and set it on the side table calmly before looking right into Nasimiyu’s face and asking with a steady voice, “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“You heard me,” Nasimiyu snickered now. “And you know I’m right. Fuck his valet while you’re at it too.”

“Hm.”

“You’re pretty and you know it’s the easiest way to get information from men.”

“That’s not always true,” Dulce mused. She tapped her chin. “I’ll think about it…”

“You’ll do it.”

“You don’t have the authority to command me to fuck someone.”

“It’s kind of fun,” Nasimiyu teased. “I like it. Anyway, don’t go through with it if you don’t want to and can help it… Certainly don’t come right to my bed afterwards… but I think Jungkook thought you were sweet. Use that.”

Dulce picked up her juice glass again and only said, “You do your job, Princess, and I’ll do mine.  Like you said, the easiest way to win a man over…”

“Oh, you’re telling me to fuck the Prince? Oh that’s rich,” Nasimiyu scowled at her now. “I must at some point and I don’t need you rushing me to it.”

“Then trust me that I know what I’m doing with your timeline here. There’s a proper order here. No reason to rush. You know that. It’s very important.”

“Fine.”

“Once I fuck them, I won’t get a second chance.”

“Oh, you’re not that bad–” Nasimiyu burst into laughter at Dulce’s glare. “Fine! Take your sweet time. But find out about the rats for me. That seems… high priority.”

Dulce nodded. But Nasimiyu felt like they’d just had a fight after an already-upsetting morning underground , and she wasn’t happy about it. It was just sex. Honestly, Dulce should be happy she got to fuck Jungkook and Jimin. Seokjin probably made jokes in bed. He probably giggled while he orgasmed. Nasimiyu was going to need a lot of alcohol or maybe some good drugs when the day came…

She discarded from her mind that moment when he had commanded the nobles in the cave. It had been a fluke, that was all. It was so unusual, it slid quickly from the record of the day. The prince acting like a prince was impossible. Even more unusual than glowing rocks on a ceiling. Instead Nasimiyu watched Dulce lift a slice of apple to her mouth and tried not to think about her maid fucking those men and tried not to let on how relieved she was Dulce had said no. It was just sex but… Dulce was right, better not risk it yet.

Dulce felt like they’d had a fight too. 

She didn’t know why Nasimiyu had told her to fuck Jungkook and Jimin if she was going to immediately get pissy about it. But what should she have expected? Nasimiyu was a princess, after all. She was used to getting her way. She was used to getting what she wanted. She was not used to sharing.

Men, women, it was all the same to Dulce, sex wasn’t particularly enjoyable in most cases, and she wasn’t good at flirting. She wasn’t one of those women who could just seduce their way into whatever they wanted, and she was tired of Nasimiyu always making jokes like that, jokes when Dulce’s clothes came off that all she needed to do to get what she wanted was strip. It wasn’t true, it wasn’t how Dulce worked, and it just felt offensive. She got the information she needed by being clever, observant, and occasionally stabbing someone. Flirting was not her strength and she thought her poor flirting skills probably made her less suspicious and how would Nasimiyu like it if Dulce said she only got her way by being pretty and rich? Dulce knew for a fact she didn’t like it.

Besides, Dulce didn’t want to flirt with anyone yet. She understood how to use that –it wasn’t like she never did– but unless you were playing the long con, it wasn’t something you should do if you were going to be in close proximity to your target for months or even years. The falling out could cause problems you didn’t plan for. If she was going to attempt to seduce Jungkook or Jimin or anyone for that matter, it needed to be because she had a specific short-term goal in mind. And Nasimiyu needed to not know she was doing it, in case she failed, because the shame would be unbearable. And because, Dulce realized, the Princess might be a brat about it. That made Dulce smile. 

She’d been grateful to have the afternoon to herself and spent it mostly just tucked away in one of the gardens, enjoying the sunlight and sea breeze after the whole weird experience of the caves that morning. But her breaks were rare and short-lived, and by the evening she was requested back at Nasimiyu’s side just in time to witness the dinnertime debacle.

“What is this?” Dulce could read on Nasimiyu’s lips as one course after another were brought out. Dulce would eat other things afterwards and hadn’t paid much attention to what the dinner staff were bringing out except that things smelled strange . She figured it was some fusion menu, especially after King Dong-gun had announced that a Marvonesian cook had been hired to bring the Prince and Princess’ cuisine into the Privan palace.

It was obvious from the faces that something was very wrong. At first no one wanted to say anything. Dulce stood against the wall with a few other servants who weren’t on food service but were required. Mostly guards. She watched as faces slid from concern to confusion to displeasure, before ultimately nervously turning towards the king.

It wasn’t long before King Dong-gun turned to Prince Hamisi and said, “Never when I have visited your home has the food tasted like this.”

“No,” Prince Hamisi agreed. “This is not my food.”

King Dong-gun nodded, wadded up his napkin, then stood and bellowed, “BRING ME THE COOK.” 

Anyone still holding silverware dropped it as servants fled the dining room like rats from a burning ship. Dulce glanced at Nasimiyu, but it was Seokjin’s stricken face that held her attention. 

A man was dragged out, not someone Dulce had ever seen around the palace before. He looked annoyed until suddenly standing before an angry king. King Dong-gun had towered there in front of his knocked-over chair the entire wait. No one else had moved a muscle either. Dulce watched this all with rapt attention, taking in which faces seemed stunned and which seemed nervous and which seemed like this was business as usual. 

King Dong-gun looked at the man closely for a moment, then opened his mouth to begin, “You are no cook–”

“My apologies, father,” Prince Seokjin said, springing from his chair. Maybe it was his father but he’d still interrupted a king and even Dulce felt an internal wince at the obvious transgression. Prince Seokjin blundered on, announcing, “I poorly vetted the new cook. His skill was not as strong as I believed and we did not give him a proper mentor.”

King Dong-gun stared at his son. Everyone held their breath. Dulce began to wonder if the King was actually going to lob the man’s head off right here in the dining hall. That seemed to be what everyone else thought.

“Who else vetted the cook?” King Dong-gun demanded. 

“Only myself. The cooks argued against it but… I found the man and I thought I knew best.”

Dulce felt Seokjin’s words twist her gut in a strange way. He… said that. He actually just said that, right in front of everyone. It didn’t make any sense. Either he did believe he knew best and would never admit to being wrong or he knew he didn’t already know best and so then why would he make himself look like an incompetent ass in front of everyone whose dinner had been ruined? Part of Dulce wondered if the food could actually even be that bad. 

It was odd. It was as odd as Nasimiyu had declared his behavior in the caverns, when he had “briefly actually seemed like a man” after the deer had been shot. Dulce understood what Nasimiyu meant then and saw it now too, though not quite enough to fully understand it yet. The prince could be more competent than he let on. Or he could just be more entitled than he let on. He might not care how others perceived him at all, especially since he was so eccentric. It wasn’t like Nasimiyu could call the marriage off because he was weird. He took strange actions at strange times and, frankly, Dulce was starting to find him kind of baffling. Baffling in an extra way. Something about him just wasn’t making sense even after six days and that was kind of… annoying.

Something wordless passed between father and son. When Seokjin sank back into his chair, blinking rapidly and not looking at anyone, Dulce thought this was not going well for Seokjin.

“Take this imposter to the dungeon for now and bring us something else to eat. Do not leave my guests hungry and waiting. Bring wine to wash this taste from our mouths. Every staff in the kitchen has shamed my house by allowing this meal to shit on my table. After we have been served, the staff will bow and apologize to our guests, especially the Prince and Princess whose delicious cuisine has been spat upon in this way!”

Prince Hamisi and Princess Simisola said nothing. They did not look happy, so maybe they felt the apology was justified. Dulce wanted to roll her eyes. How bad could it be? Bad food was still food, these people were just entitled. 

Dessert –which was apparently passable– was brought out to fill the time while new food was prepared. The stress of the servants was palpable. The secondhand embarrassment when the entire kitchen staff shuffled into the room to bow to the floor in apology was nauseating. And for the first meal since they’d arrived in Priva, Prince Seokjin didn’t speak another word to Nasimiyu the entire time.

Perhaps that was why Nasimiyu was starved for conversation afterwards, and dragged Dulce along to an evening sitting in one of the parlors with other ladies and her mother, and then only let her go long enough to eat her own supper while the other maids helped Nasimiyu bathe for the second time that day and prepare for bed.

Nasimiyu lounged on her sofa in only her robe and had just motioned Dulce closer with body language that said fuck but a look that said I want to hear everything you thought about tonight . It had been such a long day that Dulce was honestly still reeling. These were marathon days. On her own, she’d dart into and out of situations, not spend all day everyday working like this. But just as she drew closer, the bedroom door flew open and in marched Nasimiyu’s parents. 

Dulce sprang away from the couch and bowed to the Prince and Princess, grateful they had not come in a moment later. It was one thing to know and blackmail her with it, another to actually walk in on it. Briefly she wondered how Nasimiyu would react to understanding for herself how many secrets her own parents kept from her. She thought so highly of her own perception, and she loved her parents a great deal, and also made no secret to Dulce she thought them to be incredibly stupid much of the time. They were not stupid. In fact, they were rather cruelly smart.

“Leave the room,” Prince Hamisi told her now.

Nasimiyu frowned, “Why are you dismissing her in my room? Am I in trouble? I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“It’s not that,” Princess Simisola said. “Dulce, go get something for us to eat from the kitchens. The debacle of dinner– well, we won’t dwell, but get us something to eat while we speak.”

Dulce turned on her heel and fled the room, grateful for an excuse to go and a job to do. She had no desire to be any more in the middle of the family’s affairs than she already was. 

She made her way straight for the kitchens, expecting them to be somber and quiet after the king had so publicly wrapped them all up in the blame for the meal.

Somber, yes. But quiet, not exactly. She paused just outside the door, hearing the familiar tone of Prince Seokjin’s voice inside. Was King Dong-gun there too? The last thing she wanted to do was walk into staff still being punished. From one family’s bullshit to another. Out of the frying pan, into the fire, so to speak.

But the answering voices didn’t sound in danger, just tired, and she didn’t sense King Dong-gun. She peeked around the door frame and confirmed first that King Dong-gun wasn’t there, and then that only a small handful of people were in the whole kitchen from what she could see, clustered around a far counter. She recognized the valet Jimin and Seokjin’s favorite bodyguard Jungkook, and a cook, and that charming man always hovering by Seokjin around the palace though she didn’t know his name. And the stablehand! The one she’d see in the hall! And only one cook. 

Torn between curiosity and a desire to not step into any more shit tonight, it was Princess Simisola’s command that tipped her into entering the kitchen despite her reservations.

She’d been spotted anyway; she wasn’t sure who pointed her out, but Prince Seokjin called, “Oh! Princess Nasimiyu’s handmaid!”

“Dulce,” Jimin said. She didn’t know if that was for Prince Seokjin’s benefit or the others’. It still startled her to hear her name said by someone in his party. She was connected to the Princess; of course they might learn her name and probably they had tried to look into her background too. They wouldn’t be able to find anything. 

“Loves deer,” Jungkook added. He sat casually on the counter and looked so boyish that it was hard to believe he was the same man who’d hauled a dead deer up a mountain on his back that morning. 

She definitely had the feeling now that she’d wandered into something she shouldn’t have. This wasn’t a cluster of unrelated people going about their business. She felt like she’d interrupted a sort of… party. They all seemed casual together which was extra strange since one of the people present was the actual royal prince, though it only seemed to confirm to her that it wasn’t only his bodyguard and his valet who seemed comfortable and casual with him. For a second it made it feel like everything had been a joke, that the man in front of her wasn’t the royal prince at all, just an imposter they’d subbed in, like the fake Marvonesian cook.

“What can we do for you?” that very prince asked now, letting go of a wooden spoon he’d been stirring a pot with, as if he was the kitchen staff here.

“My apologies for interrupting… the Princess sent me to fetch something to eat for her and her parents.”

“Ah… supper was…” The Prince turned away, shaking his head.

“It was well-intentioned,” Jimin insisted. 

“It wasn’t that bad,” the stablehand insisted. At Dulce’s glance, he gave her that same boxy grin and introduced himself, “Taehyung. ‘Horse-shit’ is fine too, if you want.”

“What? Horse-shit.”

“It’s an inside joke,” Taehyung dismissed Jungkook’s question. “Only she can call me that. She’s prettier than you.” Jungkook glared.

“It was that bad,” the only one of them who actually worked in the kitchen said. He shook his head sadly and leaned forward to look into the pot.

Dulce hesitated before she couldn’t help herself and asked, “Didn’t you have him cook a test meal first?” Might as well see if Prince Seokjin’s obvious leniency with servants extended to herself as well.

“That’s the way it should go, right?” the cook agreed, motioning to her like she’d settled a debate. He also gestured to the nameless one for bowls which were passed to him. “That’s the way it usually goes. Why we skipped procedure suddenly this time…” he trailed off.

“Didn’t the Prince…” Dulce began, then stopped herself. Dangling a little bit to see what they’d say.

Prince Seokjin cleared his throat, “Oh right, yes, I–”

“The Prince did nothing except protect those who made the call,” the nameless well-dressed one insisted. “Do you think the Prince hires household staff here?”

“That’s usually the Queen’s job,” Dulce answered, like it was a question on a school test. “But there isn’t a queen. Only Lady…” She remembered the name perfectly but pretended not to. It was unsettling to just be here with the Prince and she didn’t want to accidentally give anything away while she was still trying to decide whether he was smart or stupid. Chances were at least someone in this room besides herself was smart. Honestly, her money was on the valet or the tutor.

“Your Princess will have her work cut out for her,” the cook mumbled. Dulce didn’t understand the sharp look the Prince gave him, but it seemed a little more like what she’d expect from a prince. 

“We have a household manager who assists my cousin. The hiring of this cook was rushed in an attempt to find a Marveonesian cook. It was a well-intentioned idea and perhaps the one doing the testing got carried away and skipped the process to try and beat someone else–”

Dulce assumed he was vaguely referring to the cook, and the cook must have thought so too because he quickly spoke up, “I’ve got leads on several and I’m putting them to the test before I ever let them into this kitchen. Lucero was an idiot to think this was the way to beat me to it and now…”

“Will he be killed?” Dulce asked.

Immediately Jungkook smiled kindly at her, “Don’t worry about it…” Ah. He liked stupid, demure ladies. That was the conclusion she drew about him now. Probably women who could be impressed by his muscles and not worry too much about what he had going on in his skull. She knew exactly what was in the skulls of men and it was not as impressive as people made it sound. Speech and thoughts and dreams all came from nothing more than a mushy lump of oatmeal. Some mushier than others.

“My father can be firm and… but we aren’t heartless here,” Prince Seokjin assured her, just as fooled by the soft woman act. “No one was harmed, only our egos as your host. How bad is the damage? Ah… it’s mortifying…”

Dulce felt a little bad for him with that dejected look as he stirred the pot again even though it wasn’t even bubbling yet. He was always making jokes and laughing but there was some extra shadow to him right now. He seemed actually sad in a way she hadn’t seen before. Tired. Was it the dinner? Or was Nasimiyu’s lack of fondness breaking his little royal heart?

“They’re just hungry,” Dulce assured him. “They eat multiple meals a day. One isn’t likely to ruin everything.”

He looked up, a smile catching quickly as he seized on this argument. He dropped the spoon and took a step forward, as if suddenly recognizing what a trove of assistance Dulce could provide, if she was convinced to.

“And this morning? Did the Princess enjoy the hunt or…? I haven’t figured out yet how to tell when she’s happy…”

“You haven’t seen her truly happy yet,” Dulce answered without thinking. Well, thinking of other things. “She found some of the caves impressive.”

“But not the hunting. Me neither, you can tell her I said that. She likes riding but it’s a multi-day trip to actually go to any good riding,” he sighed, looking at Taehyung the stable hand who just nodded. As he held a tortoise to his chest and tried to tempt it into eating a lettuce leaf.

Misunderstanding her stare, he held the tortoise out and introduced, “This is my tortoise.”

“What’s his name?”

“Why don’t you name him for me?”

Her eyes narrowed. She thought he might be flirting with her. He certainly was smiling right for it. Well, maybe that could be useful down the line.

“Tuga,” she suggested without explaining it was short for Tortuga . It was unlikely any of them spoke Loman anyway. Paloma was always an afterthought when listing the principalities of Yeonhalbi, as the smallest, poorest, and most distant.

“Tuga the Tortoise, I like it!” 

“Tuga the Torta,” Prince Seokjin repeated, then laughed when the others did because he’d said it wrong. He repeated it several times anyway.

“You found his weakness. The Prince loves a good word joke,” that nice-dressed companion of his said. Jung, she recalled now. Family name; she didn’t know his first name yet. 

While all this had been going on, the cook had been busy with bowls and cups and pulling things out of cabinets. Dulce had only partially paid attention to him. Occasionally he’d tell the Prince to stir the pot, or Jimin would. But now he nudged them out of the way and rolled a cart towards her with a mountain of food.

“With our apologies for supper,” the cook said. “It was a…”

“Travesty,” Prince Seokjin suggested with a deep sigh.

“A fucking embarrassment,” the cook muttered.

“Language, there’s a lady,” Jungkook said, giving the cook a baffled look and gesturing at her. On either side of him, Taehyung the stablehand and Jimin the valet laughed. 

Prince Seokjin was quick to assure her, “They’re not laughing about you. Of course you deserve respect, even if you weren’t my betrothed’s favorite handmaid.” He raised his eyebrows as if warning all of them.

“Then what’s the joke?” she asked, feigning innocence. 

“The joke is his language is bad,” the Jung man assured her. 

“But I’d never speak like that in front of a lady like yourself,” Jungkook assured her. She found herself wondering if he actually would be very easy to seduce information out of or if he was too worldly and clever for it. A ladies’ man could go either way. 

“I’ll roll the cart for you,” Jimin suggested, suddenly darting forward.

“It’s all right.”

“I insist–”

“This is for you,” the cook added, handing her a plate directly. A plate on which sat a beautiful piece of the white and strawberry cake the nobles had for supper. Definitely not something given to the servants.

“Oh wait, she needs more cream,” Jungkook said, reaching to the side for a bowl. Dulce just stood there as he leaned forward, never sliding from the counter, and spooned an obscene amount of cream over the moist cake. “There you go.”

“Thank you so much.”

She turned away from his grin but wished she hadn’t, so she could see what had been done by whom to make him mutter ‘ow.’ She’d had to, not to laugh in his face. Was he stupid? Desperate? What a strange band of misfits this was with the Prince in the kitchen so late at night. This was really the Prince’s royal retinue? 

Instead she said to the cook sincerely, “Thank you…”

“Min Yoongi,” the cook answered. “Just find me anytime you need something for the Princess and I’ll make sure she’s only getting the best things here.”

“Ambitious,” Dulce recognized and Yoongi smiled broadly. Maybe she shouldn’t have admitted she could see that. But it made her feel better about the cake. It was a bribe. A cook who had not fucked up yet was trying to get in good with the maid of the woman who would soon make household decisions about things like, say, who ran the kitchen. She could appreciate naked, honest ambition.

Jimin’s reason for insisting on helping her was less immediately clear as they began to walk, because he didn’t pester her with questions. Instead she was left to ask,

“Does the Prince often spend time in the kitchen like that?”

“Oh. Well… yes. See… he cares a great deal about the things that go on in this palace and… also he likes food a lot. He likes to cook.” The halting way he spoke made it obvious he was trying to spin a web without having ever learned to weave well. She wasn’t sure how much of what he said she could trust simply because it sounded so honest.

“A prince who can cook?”

“He’s very particular. Um, very detail-oriented.”

“Yes, the Princess is like that too.” The things they were saying didn’t mean anything. They could be about anyone. Dulce took it to mean Jimin didn’t not trust her, but he also didn’t trust her yet. Until the Prince and Princess were close –and maybe not even then, depending on the marriage they had– their servants would remain in this hovering space, not sure whether they were working together to serve a couple or independently to protect the best interests of their masters. Masters. What a disgusting word. Employers? She doubted Jimin and Seokjin had the arrangement she and Nasimiyu did but… who ever really knew? 

“The Prince keeps you close,” she mused. “Are you his only valet?”

“He has some lower ranking ones but I’m his favorite,” Jimim bragged. “You’re the Princess’ favorite maid.”

“I’m the most competent.”

“Yeah, same.”

“What’s the other man’s name who was there? Jung?”

“Hoseok. He and his father were the Prince’s tutors and now are sort of… etiquette guides. They help with appearances for the King and Prince..”

“Ah.” They were silent for a few minutes, reaching the correct wing after taking the shortest path possible. “Well, my advice: the prince would impress the Princess well by dancing nicely at that ball coming up. She loves to dance. She’s very particular about dance.”

Jimin’s face lit up, though Dulce felt like there was a strained note behind it.

“Ah! Thank you for the suggestion. We will take it seriously,” Jimin bowed his head. “Do you need help taking this in or–”

“I’ll take it from here.”

“Your cake?”

“I can sneak it. The Princess treats me well, she won’t mind.”

Jimin nodded, “That’s good. The Prince treats us well too. We could have it worse, right?”

“Right.”

With another pleasant grin she wasn’t sure she believed, Jimin took his leave. Dulce knocked on the doors, waiting for the answer before motioning to the guards to open them for her, her own cake balanced on the bottom, under the obscene amounts of cream Jungkook had so generously spooned on.

“But why are you leaving even sooner than you said, that’s what I don’t understand,” Nasimiyu complained to her parents. They sat next to each other on the sofa, still as proper and poised as they would be in public. Even she never saw her parents really any more relaxed than this. She had always thought it strange but Dulce was rigid even in repose too, and it left Nasimiyu wondering once again if there was something strange about herself, that posing felt like such a performance even when she was born into this role.

“We’ll be back,” Prince Hamisi insisted. “But you need to ingrain yourself better, faster, and it’s not happening while we’re here. You still have Seokjin at arm’s length.”

“It’s only been six days.”

“Which means the time for love at first sight has passed. You have to let yourself be charmed,” her mother insisted. “But it’s not only that. We have other people to see and meet before the wedding. You did say you wanted to bring it ahead of the six months originally planned.”

“If I can without raising suspicions, yes.”

“Right now it will raise suspicions,” her mother said. “But I have faith in you, Nasi. I know you can manage this and I think you will do better with us out of the way.”

Nasimiyu sighed, “I spent all morning hunting with him. But it’s not just me… I can’t figure out what he likes yet either, he seems so eager to please.”

“Well put Dulce on it. She’s good at figuring out what people like and using it against them,” Princess Simisola suggested. Nasimiyu rolled her eyes. Her parents thought they understood everything, even her’s and Dulce’s relationship. Why did they think Dulce was here? Because playing a maid was so more much fun than freedom? For her . Dulce didn’t have power over her, even if Nasimiyu was fond of her. She trusted Dulce. Sure, yes, Dulce’s skill with her tongue was unrivaled but not actually enough to bring down the Princess of Marvono into doing anything stupid. They were careful. No one else knew and even if they did, it wasn’t unheard of for royalty to be fucking their staff. As long as Dulce was only known as a maid, no one would even bat an eye if that got out, except that people might think Nasimiyu preferred women and was a bad match for Seokjin. Which would be really funny but ultimately undermine her goals. 

Prince Hamisi actually rolled his eyes, “You women are– who cares what he likes? He likes Nasimiyu! That’s been obvious from the beginning. The boy’s tripping on his tongue every time Nasimiyu walks in the room. It requires absolutely no effort for you to win him over. He sells the story for you. You are the one who seems hesitant.”

“So it can seem even more real when he wins me over,” Nasimiyu insisted. “The love of a century.”

“You’re lying to me. Do not ruin this for our people, Nasi. This is about more than you and your appetites.”

“My what ?”

“You heard me. Pick a personality and seduce him with it and marry him. We’ll be here one more week and then you’ll have some time without us to assimilate into this palace. Focus. Do not rush. And bed the prince!”

“If you get pregnant, everyone will understand why you rush the wedding,” her mother nodded eagerly. “Romantic!”

“That’s not romantic.”

“Guaranteed royal bloodlines are very romantic.”

“King Dong-gun is the hardest one to convince. I can tell from the things he said on the hunt this morning… he’s not sure about you,” Prince Hamisi said. “He’s a joyful, loud, sometimes undignified man, but he loves his son and wants happiness for him. You must convince him that’s you or he will shred your betrothal agreement himself.”

“All right. I’ll do better. Trust me.”

At the knock on the door and Dulce’s voice announcing she had food, Nasimiyu’s parents called her in. Dulce came with an entire cart of food. She wheeled it over and then slipped a plate from the bottom away, carrying it out to the balcony. Her parents eyed Dulce as she went but didn’t call her back or tell her to leave. Prince Hamisi frowned after her. Nasimiyu knew he didn’t like Dulce but he tolerated her for this. She was the best, after all. The only time she’d ever been caught was… well, Nasimiyu’s fault. She’d make it up to Dulce someday. She would.

“Oh thank goodness, this is so much better than what they had at supper,” Princess Simisola sighed into her plate. 

“I’m shocked the King didn’t cut down that false cook right there.”

“He’s that kind of man?” Nasimiyu asked, though she’d heard the stories from her father before, enough to have expected it too.

“He’s all about a good time. Don’t ruin his good time, you know? I don’t blame him for being suspicious. The kitchen invited in a stranger? He could have poisoned us all. I think more than the false cook will loose his life for this.”

“At least he could have given us food poisoning with that terrible food!” Princess Simisola agreed.

“Once they’re sure they know what they need from him, he’ll be dead and so will anyone who hired him for this, I’m sure. Such is the way a royal palace runs.”

“Is ours run that way?” Nasimiyu asked curiously. She’d never heard of her father having someone executed for such a thing.

Prince Hamisi grinned, “No, because we only hire intelligent people who would never do something this stpid. You have to choke the weeds at the root level. Once they’re in your garden….”

Nasimiyu thought about this, then asked, “Isn’t a weed just a plant growing somewhere you don’t want it to be? What’s the difference between a weed and a flower?”

“Flowers are lovely to look at,” Princess Simisola pointed out. 

“What is this nonsense you’re talking about?” Prince Hamisi scowled between them both. “Come, dearheart, let’s take our food to our room. This was a long day. The King seems intent to host us into an early grave. You can’t insert yourself into routine here until we leave so routine can establish itself again. Every day it’s hunting and walking and drinking and parlor games. I’m tired!”

“Oh, all right but…” Nasimiyu didn’t know how to put it into words. She’d never been away from both her parents before. And while they’d told her from the beginning they wouldn’t stay long before going south to speak with others who were aligned to their secret cause, it was different to have an exact date they’d be leaving now. It made all of this feel even more real. Prince Seokjin wasn’t just some strange noble with an annoying propensity for jokes that didn’t even make sense. He was going to be her husband , for at least some period of time. Her parents were leaving her here because this was her future and she had to stop putting it off and really deal with that now. How fucking scary. 

It left her somber once they departed and she took cake out to join Dulce on the balcony. Her nose scrunched at the sticky air that had not yet cooled off with the night. Dulce sat with crossed legs on one of the chaise lounges, licking cream from her fingers.

“Steal that?” Nasimiyu teased.

“Kitchen boy gave it to me.”

“Oh, you’re making friends, huh?”

“You told me to,” Dulce grinned at her. “Prince Seokjin was in the kitchen too. Apparently he likes to cook.”

“He was cooking in the kitchen!? The same kitchen that makes all our food? So he really was the one who hired the bad cook?”

Dulce shrugged, “I don’t think so. They told me he was covering for the staff who did it.”

“Covering for someone who might have poisoned and killed us all?”

“Wouldn’t it be funny if he’s actually trying to kill his father too?” Dulce mused, tapping the spoon against her lips in thought. Actually this was suspiciously relaxed for Dulce. She was in a good mood and they hadn’t even fucked. That made Nasimiyu curious. “It could mean he’s trying to frame you or your parents though.”

“ Is he?”

“I don’t know… but it’s something I was thinking about so I’ll keep an eye on it.”

“You seem…”

“I seem what?”

“Strange,” Nasimiyu admitted.

“I found out what happened to the tortoise. I think the Prince gave it to the stable boy to keep. They let me name it.” Dulce said this was a straight face, but it made Nasimiyu laugh.

“What did you name it?”

“Tuga.”

“Tuga the torta– Tuga the tortoise.”

“You know, Prince Seokjin made that exact same slip.” Nasimiyu glared. “Even exaggerated the ‘s’ the second time that same lispy way.”

“I don’t have a lisp.”

“The bodyguard does, just a faint one.”

“My, you learned an awful lot suddenly. Were you drinking with them? Why are you so strange?”

“Honestly? This cake is just… the best thing I may have ever eaten in my life,” Dulce admitted, one corner of her mouth lifting into one of those rare, precious smiles. 

“I didn’t think it was that great.”

“You don’t like sweet things. You’re too used to them. No noble can ever truly appreciate sugar and cream.”

“I like salty things better.”

Dulce slid onto Nasimiyu’s lounge chair and, before the Princess could say anything, promptly upended her plate right over Nasimiyu’s chest. An obscene amount of milky cream spilled right down into her cleaves, across the tops of her breasts, all over the front of her dark maroon robe. She yelped at the sticky, wet feeling and looked at Dulce in absolute shock.

“I like both,” Dulce mused, sliding the shoulder straps down Nasimiyu’s shoulders. Nasimiyu sat up and maneuvered her arms out of the ruined fabric, cringing at the cream flowing down her body. “You’re so upset!” Dulce noticed. And smiled

“This feels disgusting!”

“Don’t worry, Princess. There won’t be a drop left in you when I’m done.”

“Is this punishment because I didn’t let you shoot anything on the hunt?”

“It’s my reward for not shooting anyone,” Dulce agreed and slid down her body to lap the cream gathering in the creases beneath them.

“Not a drop left on me, Dulcie…” Her voice was softer this time, eyelids drooping as she watched Dulce’s tongue drag across her skin, up and around her nipples, leaving goosebumps in her wake.

“Not a drop left in you, I promise.”

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[misslovasstuff]

Why Dazai is a complex character

We all know how hard it is to get in this man’s mind, right?

First, let’t take a look on what makes a character complex:

- Conflicted or contradictory motives - Change or grow as a result of the story’s actions - Decisions advance the story’s plot - Create conflict in the story’s plot or theme - Learn something about themselves

 It fits Dazai perfectly, right? Now let’s take them one by one.

1. Conflicted or contradictory motives

- to die/to find meaning/to save others/? What the audience is given to realize is that Dazai wants salvation through death. His desire to die comes with a shade of humor to hide how sad and tragic it really is. Other than that, one motive of his is the promise he made to his friend who died on his arms. You see it right? Dazai’s motives are contradictory because he saves people but can’t really save himself. Although Dazai is on the side of ‘good’ which is actually something that doesn’t really exist in BSD world because everything is more like in a gray area, his motives are more focused on others rather than himself. While on the mafia, his focus was on himself, his doom and suffering. That’s what made him so miserable. People aren’t sure whether Dazai has changed, and they question his conflicted motives. But in reality, it’s very simple. Dazai has no hidden motives other than the ones we already know. He’s not the type to aim for power and fortune. Dazai just wants a bit of happiness, he wants to answer questions that are impossible to answer. I’d like to quote a Dostoevsky saying:

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

2. Change or grow as a result of the story’s actions Dazai’s grow is something people fail to see. I’ve read thoughts on this matter and some claim that Dazai hasn’t changed at all. That is partly true.  Before Oda’s death, Dazai was not open to people (and still isn’t) but the difference stays on how he dealt with it. In the dark era, Dazai drowned himself in misery, seeing only darkness and claiming that this is how it always has been for him. Whilst in the time being, Dazai hides his misery behind a smile and happy facade. Bsck then, he made no attempt to change, nor did he tried to look things differently. Dazai was alone, completely. There were times he was surrounded by people he genuinely cared about, like Oda. Now, the thing is, without Oda, Dazai may have never gotten the development he got. Hardly would the things lead differently if Oda was still alive. With Oda, Dazai felt comfortable, not judges. He felt like he could open up with him because Oda would always listen to Dazai without joking around or judging him. That’s the reason why Odasaku was the only person that came close to understanding Dazai, because he was the only one Dazai opened up to. I believe that is becuase in reality, Dazai trusted Oda. We know how easily he can see through people. Perhaps, he saw in Oda that kindness and goodness that intrigued him. He saw such integrity and selflessness that made him lower his guard.  Their relationship was beautiful. They let aside the ranks and always had each other’s backs. Sometimes, between two people, it just clicks. It feels like you’ve known each other for a long time and you find yourself comfortable, you let yourself be. That’s how Dazai was. Maybe, the only thing that kept him happy, was his friendship with Odasaku and Ango. Because those were two people that accepted him the way he was, people who appreciated life and had dreams and goals, something that Dazai longs to have. When Odasaku died, Dazai’s hope died with him. Although extremely intelligent, Dazai is optimistic. He had hope that he’d find a solution to his problem, but Oda’s words shattered him.

Dazai did not cry. But you can tell that he’s ready to. Look at his face and tell me that that’s not the most devastating Dazai you have ever seen. His lip trembles and his eyes give away how hard it is for him, how hard it has always been. This is the moment that Dazai takes the decision to change, keeping the promise of his friend to become a good man and protect others.

3- Decisions advance the story’s plot Dazai is the one who comes up with brilliant strategies, but that’s not all of it. 

- He took Atsushi under his mentoring and hired him as an agent in the ADA.  Atsushi plays a very important role in almost every mission or situation that ADA is in.  If Atsushi wasn’t in the ADA, things might have gone completely different. - Dazai decided to join the good side. Yet again, if Dazai didn’t join the ADA, there would be no Atsushi, no shin-soukoku and probably the ADA would have already fallen due to the immense power the mafia would have with Dazai in it. More people would die, wars would destroy the city and things may have gotten to be worse. - The creation of shin-soukoku The plot goes around Atushi and Akutagawa as the new generation of the double black, a powerful duo brought together for the good of the city, to defeat the greater evil. Their mentor, who sees the potential in them better than everyone else, has forcefully made them work together, which had successful results. If Dazai didn’t make such decision, Atsushi and Akutagawa may had already killed each other. - Dazai decides almost any plan and strategy there is. He plays his cards well and the way he thinks and acts determine the aftermath.

4- Create conflict in the story’s plot or theme - Dazai’s a problematic character for a lot of reasons. He’s lazy, distracted, unbothered, mysterious and secretive. Sometimes, unwillingly he creates conflicts that sometimes as viewed lightly by the audience. Like the shin-soukoku conflict. A part why Aku hates Atsushi is because he is Dazai’s junior  and that he gets almost everything that he himself once desired. He gets praise and acknowledgment from Dazai. The latter, has not acknowledged Aku that way he wants to, but surely he has acknowledged him on his own way. Dazai made him part of the new double black and puts his trust in him and Atsushi. Dazai too believes in the quote that ‘only a diamond can polish a diamond’. Furthermore, we have the conflict between the mafia and the ADA. You may think that it’s not directly tied to Dazai, but he plays a major role. Having Dazai in the opposite team, makes it harder for the mafia to create successful operations. Not only Dazai’s intelligent and cunning, but he’s an ex-member himself which makes him even more of a threat to the mafia. His suicidal tendencies is the reason why he met Atsushi in the first place. So in a way, Dazai drives the plot of the story.

5- Learn something about themselves I believe that this is the point we are all looking forward to. Although we have already caught a glimpse of Dazai considering his worth as a human being in the Dead apple movie, but also in the manga countless times.

Just look at his expression. How his eyes close so peacefully when Atsushi claims that he does things that let him know that Daza’s a good guy (visiting graves and also in the end of the movie...)

Dazai sees himself rather harshly. He judges himself for his past and puts himself in constant misery. Maybe he doesn’t accept the fact that he’s a ‘good guy’, but he’s desperately trying to be.

Take a look to the following panel (chapter 50)

You can tell how much Dazai wants to help and this warms my heart so much.

“Yosano could heal me and I could help in the search”

 He clenches the sheet because of the frustration of not being able to help; that his ability is holding him back. 

HE’S BLAMING HIMSELF.

Like one would say that he’s injured, or that he was shot, but no. Dazai puts the blame on himself like he always does.

I’d like people to acknowledge Dazai’s growth because our boy is trying so hard. Dazai literally went from hell to salvation. He has already found his salvation but he hasn’t recognized that yet.

In conclusion, Dazai is the complex character we so much love. In the future, maybe we’ll be able to see him a bit more happy. Genuinely happy.

(sorry this was very sloppy but I hope you get the point)

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E111 (Sept. 29, 2020)

@eponymous-rose‘s internet is out tonight, so I’m here late and without coffee! Let’s see how many typos we can fit into an hour and a half episode.

Tonight’s guests: Ashley Williams JOHNSON, oops!! & Liam O’Brien!

We open with Brian in light-up vented sunglasses and Henry at his side, as always. Dani is very excited to be back and has fun-buns in her hair tonight. So cute! Everyone talks about how much they’re Zooming these days for work, and Liam mentions he and Matt & Marisha did a digital cocktail night. He and Dani arrange on camera to have a distanced, masked meetup in the park so Dani can see Liam’s dog again.

No announcements! Tonight, we’re discussin’ episodes 110 and 111.

Starting with the end, Brian jumps right to it by asking how they feel that Molly is alive. Liam 100% thought we’d be back to him, but still wasn’t ready when it happened. Caleb doubted he was alive. Both Liam & Ashley marvel at the numerology that keeps cropping up throughout the show. Brian hates not being able to see it at the same time the show happens live; Ashley was biting her tongue not telling him spoilers. (He doesn’t want to hear spoilers unless Yasha dies so he can be there for Ashley if needed.) Brian says he has a little reality trauma from the night Pike died in the pre-stream game; it was the first time he’d realized how much it affected the players.

Ashley’s realized how much she misses unpacking the game with Brian when they get home. She just has to sit with it until everyone else gets to see it. Brian: “Instead she comes home and I have to fill her in on the Real Housewives of Amarillo, Texas.”

Reunion dinner with Trent! Liam talks about how the way things unfolded with Trent is not at all how he imagined it in his pre-game creation; he’d expected more of a fracas, more of an unexpected clash. “Caleb might have been a different person if he’d run into these people earlier in the story. The M9 changed him before [Trent & co] came back and got to him.” He’d imagined Astrid & Eodwulf to be complicated encounters, but says what Matt’s designed has been even harder than that. A fight on a mountain is one thing, but walking into a room with “what Trent dropped, is impossible to cope with.” It also means that if what Trent said is true, anything Caleb does now is effectively of Trent’s design, even killing him.

He doesn’t think Caleb would have gone anywhere near Trent & co without the M9. “The Mighty Nein--it took a long time--but they cracked Caleb open like a walnut.”

He thinks what Matt has done is much more murky than the simplicity of murder, such as the Briarwood arc. He can’t just exact his revenge now.

Liam says that the tempation to tinker with time is no longer as all-consuming as it was. He might still be tempted if Matt dangles a bunch of carrots in front of him, but he thinks that now it might be better to make sure that that kind of thing doesn’t happen anymore for anyone else (!!!). “It’s still a nugget in his brain and it’s still possible he could be tempted by the drug, but what he wanted in the beginning was entirely selfish, but now that the M9 are involved he owes it to them, to the people of the country, even on the Dynasty side--is so complex that if Caleb were to get that carrot and chase it, he would be risking everything.”

Ashley agrees that most of their choices are no longer black and white. Many of the situations feel more like real life. Liam agrees and says he’ll sometimes make decisions that he’s both really happy with and regrets at the same time. They both look forward to what Matt will reveal in Act 3.

Brian feels it’s tough to gauge how deep they are into what Matt’s planned for the campaign. Liam says that thanks to Matt’s skill, he really doesn’t know what Caleb wants right now.

Ashley agrees, and talks about how she created Yasha to have more to overcome than Pike. She loves what Matt’s doing in terms of allowing each of them to overcome more emotional hurdles than physical ones in this campaign.

Going back to Molly’s grave was very exciting for Ashley since she wasn’t able to be there when he died in the game & wanted to do what she could to honor him. Yasha, however, was very hesitant but knew what needed to be done. She’s not very open with her emotions, but both she & Ashley were stressed. They all could feel the energy in the studio & knew Matt was about to do something mind-blowing. Liam: “You could feel all the dust in the air coalescing around Taliesin.”

Brian trips over Eodwulf. Liam tries to help him find some pronunciation shortcuts. Ashley: “You say it so beautifully.” Brian: “Thank you.” Ashley: “Not you.”

Caleb knows how wickedly intelligent & ambitious Astrid is, and was heartened by the wavering he saw in her at the dinner. However, he can’t trust her until he knows why she’s where she is.

He really feels that if they’d had this dinner 60 episodes ago, Caleb might have tilted back along the evil axis and he would have had to retire the character. He had a playlist entirely for if Caleb turned evil and left the party.

The vision of Zuala was a huge deal for Yasha, even along every other instance she’s had of being mind-controlled, etc. “That’s guilt I think she will always carry with her, but at least she’s starting to forgive herself.” Losing the chains, sprouting wings again--Ashley reiterates that she didn’t know that was even a possibility, she just picked the skeletal wings because they were dope--were huge moments in the character development. Ashley’s glad Beau was there at the moment of the first flight; Ashley thinks of the quotation “Happiness is only beautiful when it’s shared,” and because Yasha tends to keep things very much to herself, having someone there to share it made it more impactful. “That was a cool moment. There’s been a lot of healing for Yasha these last episodes.”d

Ashley also says sometimes in that moment, when all eyes are on you in a one-on-one with Matt, everything goes muffled like Saving Private Ryan. “Wub wub wub.”

Dani feels that the only way she could even have the conversation with Zuala was to let her go in the first place.

Liam thinks one of the things that Yasha & Cad share is that still waters run deep. He loves how much Yasha hangs back sometimes, only to then reveal some new moment like the fighting pit. Apparently Ashley also has a knife collection, and uses that metal side of herself when she wants to let that new side of Yasha show.

Cosplay of the Week: Crystal Armstead (@riyuski on twitter) in a Reani cosplay. Beautiful!

How does Liam feel about the return to Rexxentrum? Very, very complicated. Caleb loves magic and lights up when he sees it, which is wrapped in the Soltryce Academy; he brought folks to the dance hall for the same reason, which was wanting the M9 to see the things that he loved about the city.

Yasha felt the same way about visiting the Chantry of the Dawn. It was a memory of a very traumatic moment (almost killing Beau), but given everything that’s happened between then and now it was cathartic to see again. There’s been a lot of healing in the past few weeks. It also felt like a physical representation of Yasha’s growth, the last time she was controlled against her will like that (or at least, until she was mind-controlled by Vokodo. Ashley sighs, aggrieved.)

Brian: “The tower really feels like a love letter from Caleb to his friends.” Liam: “It is, and a love letter from Liam to his friends.” When he looked at Caleb’s spell list, he remembered how amazing the mansion was in Campaign One and how many role-playing moments it led to and knew he wanted to incorporate it. However, he knew it could never be the same as Scanlan’s mansion because Caleb doesn’t have the same improvisational genius as Scanlan does. Liam has been “tinkering with this machine” for over a year, waiting for the moment to reveal it. He loves that he got a chance to see Jester’s room in time to have her tower room reflect reality. He’d discussed the tower extensively with Dani & Matt. Brian: “Hey! What am I, chopped--what’s the saying?” Ashley: “Chopped cabbage?”

Ashley marvels at the design of the dome. Liam talks about how Caleb knowing Caleb has been abused has been slowly getting better, but he also loves now being able to juxtapose that healing with his innate love of magic and how beautiful he finds it, how he loves to use magic as his artistry. The Soltryce Academy wasn’t “Welcome to DEATH SCHOOL,” it was the Sorbonne. It was amazing, everything he wanted. It was only one bad apple within that recruited him and turned it all bad.

Liam also points out how much it means in real life to be able to express his love and care for his friends in person too.

Ashley talks about how much she loves Yasha’s armor in a meta sense because it’s so cool and useful, and great for her armor class, but struggles with what it represents in game. She might not be able to let it go due to its sheer utility, and she may have to find an in-game reason to justify keeping it.

Ashley segues a moment into talking about her velvet top which apparently has a matching velvet scrunchie. She’s asked to demonstrate the scrunchie and ties her hair up in a way that I have never in my life seen someone do with a scrunchie before, and my hair’s been waist-length most of my life. I watch it again in slow motion. How did she DO that??

Caleb’s been looking for the right time to tell Jester about his past for a long time. She’s a good person and makes him feel like he might be capable of becoming a good person at the end, because that’s how she saw him. Liam knew from Laura that Jester wouldn’t condemn him, but Caleb put it off as long as possible. He also wanted to take the time to make sure Caduceus & Yasha knew the whole story too before they went to dinner with Trent.

Liam was also relieved to get it out, because he could never remember who knew and who didn’t, and now he doesn’t have to track it anymore. “Now we can move forward. Now we can heal wounds, maybe.”

Ashley feels Cad picks up a lot, more than most people realize. Yasha was really affected by Cad’s line: “Patience can be good, but it can lead to apathy.” She really feels it opened her eyes, and she appreciated the simplicity of him pointing out her hair’s growing back white again. Having a friend notice “hey, you’re changing for the better” really means a lot. She’s interested in seeing how this means things might change with Beau.

Dani points out that it also reinforced for Yasha that she can want things too--she can be patient and just continue to be with the group, as she’s wanted, but it’s okay to want more than that too. Ashley remembers Veth asking her what her purpose is. There’s a part of her that knows Yasha is still figuring that out, and she’s interested to see how Yasha will continue to change. She’s always spent her life serving somebody--the Sky Spear, Obann--and then even after she joined the M9, it was very centered on “what do you need, what does the group need, how can I help with our next job?” She’s going to have to take some time to figure out what she wants.

Fanart of the Week! Lovely Yasha & Beau flight art by @JMNP7888. The wings look amazing!

Brian: “One of the things we want to talk to you about, Liam, is about the Vokodo fight and the FUCKING disintegrate spell.”

Liam: “That was one of the most insane 60-90 seconds of gameplay that ever existed for the table, and definitely for me, in the entire history of the show. A lot of people think I just went, oh man, just bet it all on black. But what if I told you that...I Larkin’d the first 20 seconds of that fight and then at a quarter to midnight, I forgot that the reflection was a thing? I just forgot it was a thing! I spent that whole battle thinking I’m just here to banish things. I might buff my friends a little bit, maybe I’ll counterspell, but I’m just here to banish. And it didn’t work and it didn’t work and then it did! Finally it did and Jester made it work and then he was GONE. And then everyone got greedy and it was done but we brought him BACK. And it was a quarter to midnight and I’m not an animatronic D&D lesson machine, I’m just a guy playing D&D at 11:45 at night, and he came back and everyone started Goodfellas circling him and kicking him, and Beau & Yasha are gonna kill him, and then it’s my turn? Disintegrate! And then the room was quiet, and then time passed, and Matt asked, you really cast Disintegrate? And I said yes, of course, and Matt started rolling dice, and in the back of my head I started wondering why he asked if I was rolling Disintegrate. Oh no. In the back of my brain, I was like, well, just tell him that’s not what you did. Tell him you didn’t remember the reflection thing. But he’s already rolling dice! You can’t take it back now. Hold on a second. I’m going to take you on the journey I went through. I was thinking: you have a spell save of 17. This thing wasn’t that fast. +1, +2, maybe? Anything under 14 is okay. That’s 70%. 70%. That’s okay, right? And still no one said anything to tip me off that I was in ELDRITCH MADNESS at that point, no one said anything about the reflection! And then I realize it can reflect back on us, and I realize this is...disintegrate. And then I started becoming morbidly, macabre-ly fascinated at the puppet dance of death I had created. Well, this is a mess. I have made a mess. Let’s just sit in it. And somehow, nonsensically, spectacularly, it worked out in my favor. I went home that night and I got in bed next to my wife, who was fast asleep, and I stared at the ceiling going, dude. Duuuuuuuude. Duuuuuuuuuude.”

He apparently also told his therapist about this and how terrible it was and how close he “danced myself to the precipice like a crazy person!” Marisha (as told by Liam): “Epic roll, though.”

Matt told Liam that night that if it had been reflected, it would have gone back on him. “If a player throws an M80 in the middle of a room, it would reflect on that player who threw it.”

Ashley talks about how interesting that Yasha is not performative, and yet has been doing these public performances with the harp. It’s a great experiment for Ashley--Yasha doesn’t like the attention, but feels like she is making something beautiful for the world.” She’s trying to change something about how she views herself & her place in the world. She was raised to be a weapon for the Sky Spear, but she’s also extremely gentle and loves flowers & beautiful music, and the further away she’s gotten from the tribe, she’s falling in love with gentle, beautiful things. 

Liam also points out it easy (real, but simplistic) to make an entire character centered around a single personality trait: “I’m angry all the time. I’m sad all the time.” He thinks it’s more realistic to see nuance in personality.

Liam can see some paths for Caleb to find peace & do good. He doesn’t know if Caleb is conscious of those. He thinks it’s a huge step forward to admit he was molded in this direction at all and that it wasn’t all his choice, but doesn’t know if this is the same possibility as redemption.

He also mentions Essek in this answer: there was/is attraction there, both intellectual and physical--the forehead kiss was a big marker of that--and he’s interested in seeing where that goes because he’s invested in Essek’s redemption arc on its own, but Essek is not as high on the list as other things Caleb/the M9 need to work on. He loved the “high spy times” of the Essek arc and the tangled-up-ness of feelings getting involved at the same time as intense commitment to duty.

Liam always felt Matt would bring Molly back in some aspect, even though Caleb always demurred because he doesn’t believe in fate. Dani and Brian agree that this is the start of a new act.

Ashley cried at the Vilya reunion. She thought that was an incredible moment and was so glad to see Keyleth. Liam: “Keyleth as part of our story is everything to me. That story is really important to me, so getting just a glimpse of her again was so important to me.” They could all see how that affected Marisha & how special it was to her. Liam: “It was such a great note in her song or color in her painting. She achieved magnificent things and was powerful and great, but had a very heartbreaking and sad ending, so to have this sliver of joy go back in is so complex and beautiful and masterfully done.”

Aaaaaaand that’s all for tonight! Remember, no Critical Role this week. Talks will be back in two weeks. As always, don’t forget to love each other. <3

[caffeinatedseri]

The Strength of Selfishness

Each character in BSD has a degree of selfishness or selflessness in themselves, but the way this concept is executed opens discussion on the nuance of “selfishness,” or specifically the flaws in believing selfishness is an inherently bad trait.

Atsushi

Atsushi fits the description of selflessness, but I’d argue that he’s actually more selfish than he thinks he is (keeping in mind that being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

Akutagawa points out how Atsushi will needlessly risk his life in order to protect others, which sounds like a pretty heroic act, but it comes with a cost. Atsushi isn’t invincible, especially at this point in the story when he hasn’t fully mastered his ability, but his insistence on protecting others puts him in constant danger.

At the end of the day, Atsushi would have a greater chance of surviving many of the dangerous situations he puts himself into if he was more selfish by protecting himself before others.

However, Atsushi is also somewhat selfish in his motivations for acting so virtuously. 

Once again, Akutagawa points out how Atsushi only acts this way because of his deeply rooted belief that he has to risk his life for someone else in order to give his life value. You could argue that Atsushi only saves others as an attempt to prove to himself that he’s worthy, an inherently selfish motive. If Atsushi actually died, he would be endangering the people he could save in the future.

Selfishness also includes self-centeredness. Particularly with Akutagawa, Atsushi’s tendency to focus solely on himself becomes especially noticeable. Atsushi constantly doubts himself and his strengths; he also ignores his privileges and the struggles of others, particularly when he can’t completely understand them — hence why he views Akutagawa so harshly but sees Kyouka and Lucy as people who need to be saved. 

Despite all of this, Atsushi still creates a positive impact in other people’s lives. His innately selfish motivation is what drives him to protect others, and he ultimately succeeds in doing that (case in point Kyouka and Lucy again). 

Akutagawa

Akutagawa is pretty similar to Atsushi in how his past led to his inevitably selfish motives, but his manifests in a different way. 

Akutagawa has to be selfish to protect himself, due to a mix of his past prior to joining the mafia and Dazai’s teachings that collectively reinforced the belief that if he’s weak, he can’t survive.

This results in Akutagawa taking other people’s lives, a direct contrast to how Atsushi saves others, in order to prove his worth as a strong individual that deserves to live. However, this sentiment narrowly crosses the line of hypocrisy when Akutagawa does the very same thing that he criticized Atsushi for: looking for value in his life through other people.

Akutagawa also unnecessarily risks his life in order to prove his strength, which is arguably more dangerous and selfish than what Atsushi does. 

When Akutagawa fights Hawthorne, he practically eggs on Hawthorne to kill him, or at the very least fight with the intent to kill. Akutagawa was also injured before entering this fight, so running away would’ve been all the more reasonable than continuing to fight.

Drawing another parallel to Atsushi, Akutagawa has that very same resolve of risking his life unnecessarily to prove his worth. 

It’s undeniable that Akutagawa has killed many people — which is arguably extremely selfish — and loss of life really isn’t something that I want to push as morally correct. However, I would like to push the idea of redemption: finding a way to escape this messy lifestyle. I sincerely doubt that the incessant cycle of killing is any good for Akutagawa, or that it’s the life that he wants to have. 

With Atsushi and Akutagawa, both of their character arcs will develop accordingly to this balance of selfishness and selflessness.

Ranpo

Ranpo is characterized in a slightly selfish way, but this mindset comes with good reason (relating to Ranpo’s past). 

When Atsushi was kidnapped, Ranpo places priority on protecting the agency. If he were to meddle with Atsushi’s problem, which was technically a personal issue, then the agency as an organization would be put at risk. This isn’t necessarily a “wrong” mindset, but it is self-centered.

Of course, this is one of many examples to showcase Ranpo’s arrogance, but his arrogance is actually a form of self-protection. 

“So his father knew, after all. He understood that Ranpo possessed an extraordinary gift. He knew his son had the special ability to observe, remember, and uncover the truth in the blink of an eye. That was why he sealed it away. He didn’t want Ranpo to go astray, to ever hurt others and make the world his enemy.  His father wanted Ranpo to learn virtue and what’s right just like any ordinary person until he had grown up with good judgment and knowledge.” —  LN 3, “The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency”

Before Ranpo met Fukuzawa, he was just a young, lost boy who didn’t recognize his extraordinary talents. His parents taught him to be modest to allow him to develop as a normal person, but he never truly understood who he was in comparison to other people because he was orphaned at a young age.

Thus, Ranpo had to embrace his superiority, in an albeit dramatic way, in order to accept the world and himself. If he believed that people weren’t as intelligent as him, then he wouldn’t have to hate himself for feeling like an outsider to a world he doesn’t understand. 

Similarly to Akutagawa, Ranpo’s selfishness isn’t born out of hatred or negligence for others, it’s simply a survivalist instinct. 

Dazai

Dazai’s case is a little trickier to define, but I feel that he’s changed a decent amount throughout the series. I’ve seen some people argue that Dazai only helps others because of Oda’s dying wish, which would make his motivations for doing so inherently selfish. This rings true for Dazai before becoming a part of the agency, but I’d say he’s changed a lot just from interacting with the other agency members.

Dazai’s shown to be capable of the selflessness that involves risking your life for others, but because he’s Dazai, he’s most likely never going to actually die (he has taken necessary precautions to make sure he doesn’t die like in Dead Apple). In this case, Dazai was willing to risk his life for intel from Fyodor, similar to how he got captured by the PM intentionally for intel on Atsushi.

What he says here is especially important: “Certainly, people are sinfully stupid. But what’s so wrong about that?” The Dazai that was once isolated from others, that lacked a sense of direction and purpose in life, has grown one step closer to finding that purpose.

It’s no secret that character to character relationships have a big impact on everyone in BSD, but it’s especially relevant for Dazai who’s growth comes from learning about human nature. He and Fyodor both share a level of super intelligence that ostracizes them from the rest of society, which consequently makes them incapable of understanding other people.

Dazai’s statement here just shows how he’s willing to look past people’s mistakes — yes, they may be sinful and/or stupid, but that’s just a part of human nature.

And in this case, he acts in a stupid way by risking his life for someone else. Yes, it may be stupid, but this selflessness is also a part of being human.

I’d also like to add that Dazai was somewhat selfish in leaving the PM so suddenly after Oda’s death. As an executive, he undoubtedly had some responsibilities to handle, and not to mention Chuuya who was dragged into the mafia because of him in the first place. However, leaving the mafia was ultimately better for his development, and you could argue that the PM is doing just fine with Mori remaining as the leader. Thus, Dazai is another example of how selfishness isn’t harmful in nature.

Mori

On the topic of Mori, he’s a character who outright acknowledges his selflessness as a necessity for the mafia’s advancement.

As I mentioned before, selflessness is a stereotypically heroic trait, but it’s flipped around in BSD. You see protagonists with greater selfish convictions than the antagonists, who live their life based on this idea of selflessness. 

Of course, just because Mori is an antagonist, this doesn’t mean that selflessness is an innately “evil” trait. In fact, this selflessness is how he grows his organization and gains respect from his subordinates. Mori’s selflessness is used for the benefit of everyone else in the PM (ignoring the obvious crimes that the mafia commits of course).

Oda

Oda is often seen as the role model example for a “good man,” in the world of BSD — which is true to a certain extent. We certainly know how he was selfless in a multitude of scenarios, from saving the orphans at the Dragon’s Head Conflict, to his resolve to not kill anyone, and his push for Dazai to leave the mafia. 

However, I’d like to discuss Oda’s selfishness. Oda was well-aware of Dazai’s issues during Dark Era, and he seemed like the only person who would understand Dazai at that level. Despite this, he still chose to die. 

“(Dazai) is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.”

— LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda is an idealist first and foremost; when reality fails to match his ideals, it becomes unbearable for him to continue living on. 

Oda was selfish in his conviction to die, because he knew he could’ve done more for Dazai, but he chose to leave him with a dying wish rather than staying with him to potentially fill that void of loneliness.

(I’d like to mention that Oda wasn’t wrong for his choice, because Dazai ended up on the right path in the end. It was simply an act of selfishness that ended for the better).

Kunikida

Kunikida is an idealist, much like Oda, but he also draws close to being a realist at certain moments.

Kunikida shares the same selfless resolve as Atsushi: to save everyone. His ideals seem unbreakable to the point where he would risk his life and succeed in the end no matter what, purely because he’s just that committed towards his goals.

This treads closely to Atsushi’s selfishness. In this case, for Kunikida, it’s somewhat a part of his self-fulfilling prophecy to make his ideals come true, but he acts selflessly because of these ideals that he believes in. 

An important thing to note here is Fyodor’s grin, because Fyodor — as an idealist — is well aware of the fact that the greater the ideals, the loftier these ideals become in reality. 

“By that very logic, then Miss Sasaki was not responsible for any of these recent events! She didn’t even want a world in which all criminals are rightly judged! She only— Tell me, Dazai! Was it right for her to die? Is this the ideal world I’ve sought for…”

— LN 1, “Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam”

At the end of the Azure Messenger Arc, Kunikida realizes the flaws in his ideals when he fails to uphold them. By trying to save both Rokuzou and Sasaki, he ended up losing the both of them. No matter how hard he tried to save them, there was no possible way for him to achieve the level of “justice” that he desired.

This teaches an incredibly valuable lesson to Kunikida that shifts his mindset towards a more selfish direction.

Kunikida’s experience leads him to teach Atsushi, another person strongly motivated by ideals, to not follow the same path as him. You could interpret this as a sign of Kunikida’s declining resolve, but I prefer to view it as another form of self-preservation.

Kunikida very well understands the pain that comes from not meeting his ideals, which could easily affect to Atsushi considering how difficult it would be to save Kyouka.

The scene in which Kunikida goes to save Atsushi parallels what Kunikida told him previously: “Your boat can only carry one person. If you let someone beyond salvation come aboard, you will only drown together.”

Notice how Kunikida is in a boat with plenty of space, but out of fear that his ideals won’t be upheld, he’ll lower them to an lesser standard. Instead of trying to save two people, he settles for one, despite the fact that he has the capacity for two. 

This instance is a moment of selfishness from Kunikida, an act of self-preservation to prevent the inevitable pain that comes with unmet ideals. 

However, Atsushi subverts his expectations by pushing himself to save Kyouka regardless of his sinking boat, because Atsushi’s own ideals motivate him to do so. Kunikida teaches Atsushi to be careful with the balance of selfishness and selflessness; Atsushi teaches Kunikida the beauty in being selfless.

[kdramafeminist]

Performative Badassery & Women in Kdramas

When I said I wrote an essay, I meant essay. This is a long one! Grab a snack and venture below the read more. I’ll see you at the end!

----------

You know the feeling. The drama begins. Our female main lead walks onto screen. She’s a successful businesswoman, a hotshot detective, clever lawyer, smartass retail worker, etc, etc. She stares down a random man to prove she’s the powerful one here. Or kicks some ass. Or rattles off a bunch of demands to her workers. Or talks fast to show off her intelligence.

Then she meets the male lead. There’re fireworks. Slowly we find our female lead has a softer side. Good to know. 3-dimensional and complex characters are important. It’s nice to see women on-screen who are both capable and emotional. Kick ass and feminine. 

But slowly... something starts to go wrong. She seems to be crying more than showing literally any other kind of emotion. And is it just me or is she getting saved and manhandled and flustered quite a lot for a woman who we were told was so well put together? Sure, the circumstances are extreme. But they’re extreme for the male lead too and he seems to be managing just fine for some reason. Also, if both of them are ordinary people with no on-screen fighting experience, how come he’s so great at throwing fists out of nowhere and she’s busy keeping hidden or needing rescuing? Exactly how many times can one person just faint like that without anyone checking to see if she has a medical condition?

By the drama’s end our lead has gone through trials and tribulations. She’s fallen in love too, I’m happy for her. But... now that the story’s ending and she’s getting in one last chance to show us she’s a “badass”, why am I left feeling hollow? She’s showing us how tough she is but... we ALL spent this whole drama watching her have absolutely no agency or such a little amount that she might as well have been trying to put out a fire with a water-pistol. It’s almost like her previous badassery (in whatever form it may have been - I don’t mean badass only in terms of being able to throw a good punch) was just a façade. A way to hook in female viewers like me who want to see something more than a wilting wallflower or one-trick Cinderella. But the tiniest knock and the cardboard house collapses.

And no matter how many times we get throwaway lines about her being “the smartest/toughest/scariest/most capable one here” it doesn’t ring true compared to the actual character we’re watching.

Rom-coms, melos and sagueks especially (but many more genres besides), have a real problem when it comes to performative badassery in their female characters. The writers give us a female lead they claim is hyper competent, but the reality is totally different. Any plot that features romance, almost always features this. Honestly the way the start of the relationship in dramas actively MURDERS the female character’s agency could be its own essay so I won’t go deep, just know the two are 100% linked.

The “Faux Action Girl” Problem 

A Faux Action Girl happens when a writer wants the popularity that comes with having a cool action girl character, or they want the praise that comes with writing a lead that breaks gender norms, or they want to be lauded for writing a FL whose more capable & progressive than the female kdrama lead we’d imagine, but they don’t end up actually giving us her. Instead we get the fake or faux version. The reasons are usually a combination of:

Relying on outdated tropes. Wrist grabs, damsels in distress, a girl fainting so she misses some vital plot related moment to increase runtime etc...

Sexist worldviews. As a by-product of being Korean which is still a heavily sexist country because of the holdover of Confucianism mixed in with the Christianity westerners brought over that leads many writers to (often without even realising) inserting moments that inadvertently reduce their female leads because they think that’s what correct or natural for the female character based on their opinion of women in general. Even if it doesn’t actually fit the type of character they’ve set out to create.

Executive meddling. Producers who think their demographic wouldn’t be able to handle a real badass but also know their female viewers want more complexity and agency in their FLs these days and so give us the paper-version instead of the 3D model.

This character’s more “badass” traits are nearly always just an Informed Ability (the writers tell us via other characters what she can do but never actually show us on-screen these same things) or we only ever see her utilise them once/twice at the beginning and maybe if we’re lucky once at the end, but never again. 

It really hurts.

The “Badass Decay/Chickification” Problem

Sometimes she really is a legitimate action girl though. She’ll be a cop whose good at her job or an ordinary citizen whose well-versed in taekwondo. She has actual moments on-screen to prove herself. 

Well. She has moments in episodes 1 and 2. Then she almost always goes through Badass Decay/Chickification. Which means that writers (& producers) believe that if we don’t see her having a softer side, she’ll become unrealistic or unlikeable. 

They fix her. So she becomes more vulnerable. As the only girl on the team (usually), she becomes the one who ends up injured more often or needs rescuing most. Her life begins to revolve entirely around her romance and nothing else. (Meanwhile the male leads gets to have the romance and keep his side-quest - have you noticed that? If the FL is really lucky she gets to keep one side-quest too, maybe a dream job or solving some family mystery. Never more though.. only men get to be complicated here). Once she was competent... now it feels like she legitimately had a personality transplant. 

Is this even the same person we began with?

The “Worf Effect” Problem 

Worf Effect is when the danger/power level of a villain is shown to the audience by making him successfully attack/hurt/ruin the plans of someone that the audience knows is skilled. This isn’t a bad thing alone and writers use it all the time. We need to acknowledge the villain as a proper threat and this is a useful way to do it!

But in kdramas it’s something used almost always against the lead female character. The one we’ve seen is intelligent, or strong-willed or quick-witted. 

And because it’s always her, this character begins to look weak. If this writing trope is abused, her reputation as the "biggest, toughest" etc. begins to look like it never existed and we’re back to her having an informed ability. 

That this is something that happens to the female characters not only more often but almost exclusively is a sign of sexism. Plain and simple.

Competent, Real Badass Female Characters Aren’t Scary

 If you’re going to sell me a capable woman, give me her. 

Not someone who has one very unique, specialised skill but otherwise can do nothing else except for that one time when her one skill is useful. 

Or has built up her own empire, implying a certain level of smarts, business ability or networking skills, but then once she’s removed from it she becomes so utterly useless it begs the question how she built that empire in the first place. 

Or has a rep as the detective whose taken down the toughest guys off-screen, but whatever skills she used to do that seem to disappear the moment anything really challenging happens on-screen. 

I’m not saying she needs to win all the time. Of course she doesn’t, how boring is that? All I’m asking is that when she loses, it’s in keeping with the character I’m supposedly watching. A woman that can kick ass can still be outwitted. A clever woman can be physically beaten. A street-smart girl can be foiled by rules and regulations. A leader-type can be beat by someone whose more unconventional.

It’s not difficult to write someone like this. I know the writers can do it because every male lead is written this way. I’ve never once, whilst watching a badass male lead lose, get beaten and cry, thought “oh no, his badassery was fake all along!”

Because when he loses it makes sense. It’s in character. There’s a solid plot reason behind why it happens.

Meanwhile my ladies who are meant to be able to kick ass and take names somehow just got kidnapped out of nowhere?

Make it make sense!

Consistent Characterisation is Good Writing

I get wanting moments where one is injured and the other fusses over them. I love those moments! All I ask is more imagination taken to get us to that point. Make it in-character. If my taekwondo black belt is kidnapped, I want to see her really fight. I want the kidnapping to be shown as genuinely tough on the people trying to nab her. Imagine how much more satisfying it would be to see her fight off all these bad guys, yet still end up losing? How much more heart-breaking?

We’d be so much more invested in the mind games or politics the villain is playing if the female lead we’ve been told is good at that stuff is playing the game just as hard. When she loses it’ll hurt more.

Writers need to stop being afraid that her remaining capable in some way diminishes the masculinity, attractiveness, prowess or “hero” status of the male lead. Trust me. It doesn’t. Ever. 

It’s not a case of either/or. We don’t think less of the male lead because his partner is as capable as him in whatever way that may be. Instead, we think more of them both. Once a romance begins, the heightened worry both characters have for each other should only make both of them stronger in whatever area they’re skill lies in. Not just make the man a sudden defence wall and the woman a worrying mess. 

I’m sure everyone who reads this can immediately think of at least one drama with a FL who is a Performative Badass. I know I had about ten in mind as I wrote this. 

There are exceptions. Cases where the badass gets to stay a badass. Usually these cases happen in genres without romance because like I said above, those problems are linked. But I can think of a few romcoms/sageuks/melos where it happens too. 

But those are the minority.

Women in kdramas. Give them agency. Make their characterisation genuine, not just a bit-part for the sake of a cool trailer. Not just one moment someone can edit into a “badass multifemale” video edit - only for us to watch the drama from the clip and discover we’ve been sold a lie. 

How satisfied would we be?

Writers! Give us a story we enjoyed because of the excellent characterisation. A new female character we can add to our lists of faves. Women who proved themselves as consistently badass as their first scenes claimed. Women in kdramas who, no matter what problem they faced, don’t become echoes or paper-thin versions of who we were promised.

Actual, complex, layered, enjoyable, KICK-ASS AND BADASS female leads.

Wouldn’t that be a miracle.

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PS. This is an open notice that it’s OKAY to reblog with added commentary/thoughts/rambles of your own. I would *love* to see it if you have anything to add.

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(Disclaimer: This essay was written with a specific female character type in mind. I am not saying every FL needs to be a badass or hyper competent. Soft, shy, physically weak female characters exist and can be just as realistic and complex. There’s a few I can think of who I adore. Instead my essay is very specifically about characters who are *meant* to be badass from the start but then... don’t end up being. So, yeah, before anyone claims I’m some angry feminist who needs every FL to be some tough martial artist or something. Absolutely not! Diversity is amazing and interesting. All I ask is that when I am told I’ll be getting a badass in a drama I get her. Not have my heart broken by the fake wilting flower I find in her place. Ok. End disclaimer. ^^)

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Also I’m tagging a bunch of you because you reblogged my post saying you wanted this so here! TY for making it to the end ^^

@kdramaxoxo​ @islandsofchaos @storytellergirl @vernalagnia-blog @lostindramas @salaamdreamer​ @planb-is-in-effect​ 

[hei-ch0u]

It’s long...(fair warning) ✰

 Shingeki no Kyojin 139 (Theories)

Since everyone is throwing around their theories from the wild to the more likely, I thought I should contribute. After all, it will be the last time we can theorise this amazing manga full of all its twists and turns. Like most, I do agree with the popular fan theories simply because this manga is consistently unpredictable with each chapter. Let’s face it, some stories are easily picked apart these days and finding one that continuously has you thinking about what could occur is a winning tale. So first, I will start off by saying that I am so sad that Shingeki no Kyojin is coming to an end. But! I will never forget this amazing manga as I have grown so attached to the characters and the story as you can tell from the past nearly 9 years of running this blog. So, thank you yams for being such a genius! Regardless of the ending, it will go down in history as one of the best stories I personally have ever read and witnessed.

With typical fan theories, I won’t go into them too much as I feel the concept of the “time loop” has been written about to filth and I think it is very blatantly clear at this point that the concept of a time loop is very likely in one way or another given the overall concept within aot/snk in general - there is a obvious manipulation of past, present and future. I will hold my hands up and say that I definitely do agree with ‘some’ popular fan theories and will list a fair few below in brief detail - as I do think they are highly likely to be true in some way or at least implied within the last chapter. Now, with the usual leak dates coming up on the horizon, I wanted to put my input in before hand. Although, because of recent prosecution warnings for leaking the final chapter - I would advise others just to wait for the 9th of April on official release for concrete facts rather than speculations and leaks simply because we have seen with past few chapters that a lot of false spoilers get released and I think with the final chapter it would be wise to wait as I have previously stated on here that it will be the ‘revelation’ chapter that ties this manga together.

So! With the typical fan theories, we see the likes of:

Eren being the baby daddy to Historia’s baby

Eren sacrificing his reason for living - freedom. By being the greater evil to bring about the greater good

The baby itself could become the new beast titan or baby Eren/Ymir reborn

Eren isn’t dead, but on Paradis by way of transferring his subconscious into a crystallised version of himself

Eren and Ymir have struck a deal

And of course - the time loop concept

…The list is endless of popular fan theories. It would be silly not to agree with any of them given the story and where we are currently at, its very clear that Historia, Eren and Ymir will play a big part somehow in the final chapter (if not id be genuinely shocked) since majority of the past few chapters they have been absent in full form and I feel this needs to be explained. After all we still haven’t seen the full extent of the memories of past/future that Eren was aware of from his contact with Historia and his connection with Ymir in Paths. We saw 137 being predominantly Armin based, 138 being Mikasa based and I think it is only reasonable given his absence as the initial protagonist that Eren will be the revelation within 139. Ultimately culminating EMA / the trio as a whole. We began with them, so it only makes sense to end with them (albeit separately as individuals).

Moving on, as you can see I agree with said fan theories as I think any route could be possible! The thing with Shingeki no Kyojin is that it has many hidden ‘Easter eggs’ (how fitting given its easter), whether it be in the background of scenes, characters wording, placement of scenes/characters, flashbacks, paths and even in the opening and ending credits of the anime we see hidden meanings through imagery. It has all been laid out very well for our finding, its just if we have an intuitive enough imagination to pick it apart and figure things out. This leads on to my own theory/theories (it can go any way and I wont sugarcoat it - I could be reaching)

I generally have 2 theories that run about in my head with how the story itself could turn out or how it works. Both theories kind of tie together in one way or another featuring predominantly Eren and then Mikasa or overall ‘Ackerman’ blood/gene concept and its potential involvement in control of said time loop. I will do my best to include manga panels to give visual insight to the points.

To begin, I want to touch on Mikasa's “dream” in 138 - although devastating, I think it is being taken as the opposite of what it was and personally I see many looking at it through rose tinted glasses. This wasn’t an alternative universe (in my opinion), this was Mikasa’s Ideal life - her dream. When it comes to Eren as a connection to Mikasa, he is her reason for being, even in death she chooses not to part with him for her own good and creates a dreamlike reality for herself to make herself go through with the deed. She as a character has dominantly surrounded her existence on Eren, he is categorised many times within the manga as ‘home’ - like other fan theories have stated, it has been mentioned many times Mikasa referencing the word ‘home’ and also how she wants to ‘be close to him’ because it gives her comfort and strength. The Ackermans as a whole have attachments to people and this is where they ultimately gain strength from. Without any of the Ackermans ‘attachments’ being in danger or being killed, their powers wouldn’t be awakened and without them I feel their strength almost weakens until they find a new reason for living to keep moving forward. I’ll touch more on the ‘Ackerman’ theory later as its one of the open loopholes still currently alive within the manga.

Mikasa has always been a character that confuses me, particularly with the way she acts and things she says or thinks. She has said many things that don’t make sense unless she has a certain belief system or knows of things from past lives.

Examples:

As you can see and I will produce more evidence of such comments further in. She implies that she either believes in reincarnation or she is aware of different periods within the said time loop. She speaks of starting over, being dead and returning and implies in different ways that she is scared of the same thing happening again. The last panel - what plan is she on about here? Her own plan. In my opinion it is - "Don't let Eren die". As we have seen, that may be what has to happen. It's fate. She interferes with this and never lets him go.

Mikasa does have an unhealthy bond with Eren, I do think he loves her ( I’m not dismissing that ) but do I think its the type of intense love she feels? no. Some things she has came out with has even shocked other characters and countless times her comrades have tried to ‘break the barrier’ to get her to realise her way of thinking when it comes to Eren is unhealthy. Hence why I think we seen Jean in this particular scene below so frustrated

not because he himself has feelings for her, but because she’s not letting them get through to her that she is refusing to believe Eren could ultimately be a changed person (which he definitely is, I’ll not go into my rant of why he isn’t ‘evil or a ‘monster’ because i’ve done so already) but overall, Mikasa constantly makes excuses for Eren and doesn’t recognise it, her life revolves around being close to Eren and she gets very emotionally troubled at the idea of not being with him or him ultimately taking a path that doesn’t involve her. We even seen Annie question her and this wasn't many chapters ago and she replies with the same mindset of bringing back "the old Eren". He is not the person he once was particularly as a child. Something that is implied at beginning of manga, it opens with them as children and somehow links with 138.

As stated by Armin below we see him even explaining to Mikasa that Eren’s never close, he always takes his own route and that ultimately both Armin and Mikasa aren’t his reason for living. Let’s face it - Freedom is Eren’s reason for being, his only desire. Armin has also expressed disbelief and almost frustration at her way of thinking when it comes to him (below examples) I think in a way the famed ‘table scene’ was Eren trying to break the bond, but he’s not doing that for no reason, its implied he does it to protect them, but it could also be because of what he has seen in memories past and future - he has perhaps became aware of Mikasa’s involvement within paths and the loop. He has to try to alter her way of thinking to protect her, but maybe also himself.

Armin + Other comrades reactions to Mikasa’s mindset 

Another visual point to make regarding Mikasa’s ties with previous loops and Armin, was her comment made about him at a very early stage in the manga just after Eren had been eaten by a titan after saving Armin - leaving his fate at this point unknown. 

this is implying that Mikasa has some knowledge of previous times Armin has helped them with his ‘ability’ which if we are referencing him as a character is his methodical intelligence. But, even here he is confused by the comment, simply because at this point there has been no signs of Armin’s usage of this ability - mainly fear and lack of confidence with that in comparison of his peers. We don’t necessarily see this until perhaps even a chapter later and as far as we are aware, Mikasa doesn't follow through with “i’ll tell you about it later”.

I don’t know about anyone else, but it seems odd she has such an attachment to Eren like this that is so intense. It’s not normal to be as intense as she is about someone unless she is used to losing that person over and over. Even as children Mikasa acted possessive over the ‘concept’ of Eren dying - it wasn’t allowed to happen. She doesn’t have this intense reaction with Armin or other comrades. She fixates on the idea of Eren being her saviour, the one to give her a ‘home’ and a ‘purpose’. Mikasa consistently opposes his death and his death alone, I can only see this from a standpoint that deep within her own memory she has experienced his death countless times before. She even uses force a couple of times to increase this intensity. Here are some examples of this even in childhood -

There are many more examples of this throughout the manga and her refusal to accept that what she doesn’t want, may just happen. Now this might just be my over active imagination or my own ability of media studies kicking in. But, previously I had been under the impression in the presence of a time loop that Eren was in charge of it and controlling it, that somehow it would constantly reoccur when he himself died and he would have to come up with a way to either prevent his death or ultimately stop the timeline of the titans. Whether that be under making a deal with Ymir herself or by essentially “breaking the wheel” and turning others against him to show Eldians as triumphant heroes.

However, the more i’ve thought about it and given the revelations of 138 - i would be more inclined to say it is Mikasa Ackerman herself due to either her specifically or her Ackerman gene. There is something about the bloodline that is missing and we have not had the fabled Ackertalk or much explanation of how they work (something I’d like to see covered in 139 - although i feel it will be an Eren chapter, I also think it will include the visions Eren has seen to give an explanation of why the previous 138 chapters played out the way they did)

I think there is a possibility Eren had to break the wheel on the loop,  Mikasa would go back each time and always Eren would die, something we’ve established she tries to prevent and never accepts. The only escape was her accepting his death therefore he did everything he could to push her away, break the bond and push her to kill him to end the cycle (since he’s seen the future). As I have a hunch previously in other loops he was not killed by her hand - it had to be her to break the cycle or vice versa (but we will get to this).

there is hints of this in the “Lost Girls” OVA. Yes, I am aware it’s said that OVAS are not necessarily canon per say, but I don’t think it would have so many open links if Isayama himself didn't want it to. This particular one gives many hints to Mikasa’s involvement in the loop and alternative universe theories. The anime adaptations are on point with showing us details we only recognise after more plot points are revealed. It may explain the headaches, every time Eren dies, she reverses the loop or changes realities. This ailment could be a product of her memory issues. In the OVA we see Mikasa in real time thinking about Eren and his constant state of taking his own path.

After this moment, the said “Scene” she speaks of is revealed to us. Another example of Mikasa’s dreamlike state or perhaps another timeline? We are taken back to the time where she had given up, had ran out of gas, a titan was approaching and she was ‘lost’ - her reason for being was gone and she knew her death was coming, but also in the manga during this scene she is “worried” she’ll have to start again (above in examples). This again implies she knows something we don’t. We then hear Mikasa’s voice speaking to Mikasa herself, telling her that if she simply didn’t like this reality she could choose the place she wanted, but as we have seen before - she can’t stop his death.

The peculiar scene in this OVA that got me intrigued by this theory is the masked figure and young mikasa scene. Mikasa is rushing to meet with Eren and Armin to escape the walls in a hot air balloon, but she has to be there by a certain time or the plan fails. As she is running she is stopped by a mysterious masked figure who asks her to join in on his hypnotism trick to spectators. Comments he makes involve him telling her that her ‘friend’ will ultimately leave her and that she couldn’t accept his death and created this universe. Also, that he is no one, but someone at the same time. I think this holds great significance since the strange thing about this is that his voice mirages into a distant adult Mikasa.

implying that she has to ‘kill’ a part of herself or she has to die to prevent and hault the loop. She has to return from her idealistic dreams of keeping him alive as it will only fail otherwise. Upon hearing of Eren’s yet again untimely death within this universe, she begins to have memory flashes of multiple scenes appearing within her eyes with a typical media ‘rewind’ sound as she wakes up back in the street with no gas and a titan approaching but... she says something I find interesting and links to what Eren says at the beginning of the manga 

“the feeling I’ve had a really long dream”

We witness Mikasa have these “headaches” multiple times within the manga and in the anime they are heavily focused on whenever it happens, which we can only recognise that this is an important part of the story itself. Eren too has random headaches, just not as much as Mikasa, he mainly experiences them when he accesses new memories. However, what if Mikasa too is affected by memories she cannot tap into or it is paths/ackerman gene warning her she is repeating past mistakes?

Notice how there is a lot of emphasis on the word ‘again’ when it comes to her headaches or the thought of losing Eren. It is constantly repeated. I think it is highly likely she only remembers some parts from previous loops, but the one that sticks is simply - she has to save Eren each time, but fails. Everything begins again after his or her’s demise. Perhaps each time Eren is the one who dies first, creating a somewhat butterfly effect. That maybe Mikasa has died once like she implies in previous example. However, the one to die first (in this case primarily Eren) loses all memories of the past loops - again this is implied as Eren does tell Mikasa he cannot remember his dream. I think deep within his mind Mikasa does remember, but given the fact she has potentially reversed the outcome many times...her memory is simply warped - that or she died in the previous loop and lost those components. 

Will she not remember due to her memories being altered in her death?

Either way something needs to change. Eren Kruger says this in Eren’s attack titan memories. They are doing something wrong.

I believe Eren in 138 within Mikasa’s dream, was trying to tell her to move on, not necessarily forget him, but at least accept his passing - to stop the loop reoccurring, he influenced part of her reality...maybe with the help of Ymir. In a way it could be implied Eren almost regrets wrapping the scarf around her (this is heavily emphasised as a symbol of their relationship), for me the scarf seems like a softer symbolism for a chain - a binding if you will. By wrapping it round Mikasa he binds her to him. He has always insisted she should throw it away, even in 138 within her own conjured reality he says the same. She needs to kill this part of herself or “the same history” will be repeated. I do have a HUGE feeling in my heart, head and gut that Mikasa may need to end up dead first as I do have another HUGE feeling that Eren is not dead (maybe its wishful thinking, but his death doesn’t make sense right now, so Yams I trust in you for explanation). His death seemed too convenient.

Now, before I go onto “Ackerman” gene factors, I’ll briefly bring in another peculiarity I have always had about a particular scene in the beginning of the manga. After it is decided Eren will carry the boulder to plug the wall, Eren (the attack titan) seemingly loses control and succumbs to pure rage, in turn he attacks Mikasa. Something he hasn’t done against humans unless its free will.

However, a part of me has always felt that this could be the attack titan itself (in past inhabitants and memories) recognising her as a threat and trying to rid her of the world first to avoid the loop of Eren dying first to Mikasa controlling the loop to return to try to save Eren - nothing changes. This is what I meant by “breaking the wheel”, we have saw it in other tales, things can’t change unless you choose a different path than the same one with the same brutal cycle. As Kruger says, to save Mikasa and Armin, Eren has to change things - this could be to separate not only Armin, but Mikasa from him, that maybe in previous loops...they follow him. In this instance, he has definitely separated Armin and by way of second hand - Mikasa too. Hence why Ymir says goodbye to Eren in 138, he is free. Another notable concept is that aot/snk is made up of trios, we see it in:

Eren / Mikasa / Armin

Reiner / Bertholdt / Annie

Connie / Jean / Sasha

Hanji / Erwin / Levi

Levi / Farlan / Isabel 

Kenny / Levi / Mikasa

It would partially make sense for the trio to be the reasoning for the ending. Almost illuminati based - very yams style. 

Why not Mikasa?

Lets talk Ackerman and a slightly different theory, but with relation! 

(Obviously, I cannot provide much evidence to support any Ackerman based theories other than what has already been provided, which isn’t a lot to be fair. Dammit Yams)

I want to briefly start off on the Ackerman front with a brief comparison of our two currently known Ackermans: Levi and Mikasa. The main categorising difference between these two is that Levi moves on regardless of what happens to him or his comrades or his ‘attachments’. He also does not appear to experience these headaches, some say he does, but I can’t find evidence. Isayama shows these headaches with a throbbing sign around Mikasa’s head - so unless the Ackertalk happens and Levi confirms it, its still absent in theory. Levi treats Ackerman-ism as moving on, making choices with no regrets (as his backstory indicates) and even in current states he has said he doesn’t regret his decisions. It is why he is able to move forward and keep surviving. Its simple...his mindset is stronger than Mikasa's, she is the weaker link. This could be due to age difference and overall past experience, Levi has more life experience as an Ackerman to have mastered his emotion and reactions to outcomes - he accepts the bad. 

Mikasa is weaker in this regard, perhaps if you link it back to the theory of her control of the loop...due to this weakness she creates the loop since she can’t accept his death and tries to return to make amends. I think in reality, Eren knows due to the attack titan ability - he will die. Hence why he appeared so shocked upon making contact with Historia to then very depressed and detached before vanishing in Marley. He became aware of the outcome and I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d be depressed too after finding out my life was made to end especially since all he wanted as a character was Freedom. Eren x Freedom will be the only canon ship at this rate.

However, I do think the only way she can create said loop is through her Ackerman gene. Ackermans are products of ‘titan science’, they were genetically engineered (if you want to put it that way) to have titan like abilities while still maintaining their human form and sense of self being. Created to protect the Fritz family (royal blood), to eventually being ostracised for their dismissal of the plan to wipe Eldian’s memories. Therefore banished, but allowed to live, I can only see there being one reason why - they would be still useful at some point and their deaths/extinction would be wasteful. 

From what we know and can tell from mere viewing, the Ackermans are very skilled and powerful beings that have ‘hosts’ or attachments (I like this name better) to channel their goals, strength and energy into. They were made to protect, fight and survive. The only surviving Ackermans are Levi and Mikasa.

They cannot be affected by the founding titan and their memories cannot be altered. But, this brings about another question. Why were they created to protect the founding titan, yet could not be controlled by it? The theory with this bloodline is that they can do more than what we see, that they themselves don’t know it yet. One in particular can alter realities - that being Mikasa (as we don’t have mass amounts of information on Levi’s experiences other than his surge of power awakenings demonstrated throughout the manga to confirm his part) due to fact Levi really only knew he was an Ackerman within his 30′s after the previous Ackerman - Kenny, dies and informs him of this. Mikasa has always been aware. 

Mikasa’s ‘Power’ ultimately has something to do with the Attack Titan and the Founding titan - that being Eren and Ymir combined. In past loops, I believe each time she has seen Eren die she has said “see you later, Eren”... hence the ending of 138 and the beginning of the manga. Isayama did say the beginning would relate to the ending. Each time this happens they are transcended to the point Eren wakes up at the tree within the walls to begin once more, its the only clear explanation for why Eren comments of her hair length. The attack titan itself is the component of Ymir that captivates her freedom, it continues to move forward for 2000 years each successor until one has the power (the desire for freedom like her) to release her from enslavement to the power of the titans. In this instance Eren too has been a slave to the power, lets for arguments sake blame Grisha for passing it on to him. 

Again, with the Ackermans there is something I’ve always noticed between Levi and Mikasa - they have never touched skin to skin. It has always been over their clothing. I wonder if their Ackerman powers may stem similar to how Eren draws memories from contact with the royal family, i.e. Historia. They need to touch in order to access Paths and manifest it into their control. Eren is aware of this due to his connection to Ymir - there is heavy implied material to denote the idea of Ragnarok and reincarnation. Eren is the reincarnate of Ymir and previously I don’t think they were aware of this.

For anyone not familiar with the term “Ragnorok” - its definition has multiple meanings in Norse mythology. Particularly - development, origin, cause, relation and fate. It is a series of events that often lead to a great battle, the deaths of multiple people of importance to the ultimate end revelation of the world being remade and fertile (the opposite of Zeke’s plan) with the remaining ‘gods’ returning and ‘two’ human survivors repopulating the world. I personally believe this to be either two of these: Levi and Mikasa or Eren and Historia by the way of Ymir as the ultimate god, but just in different ways. The Ragnorok element is particularly of importance within Germanic studies, this would connect with Shingeki no Kyojin since it is implied its set in early germany/europe and given characters name origins - it makes sense.

The two human survivors are that of Lif and Lifbrasir (shown below) who survive by ‘hiding’ in the woods while the great battle commences. 

They repopulate the world starting with a daughter. In germanic regions, the concept of mankind originated from trees is an ancient notion “the tree of life” essentially. Trees have a massive importance and connection in Shingeki no Kyojin, we see Eren wake up at one in the beginning, the main Path coordinate resembles a tree, Ymir originated from trees and being within the woods would indicate “trees”. This would make me more inclined to believe the Eren and Historia theory to be likely, simply because Historia is all the way back in Paradis and potentially Eren himself by transferring subconscious. To me it seems very likely the leaked final panel released by Yams himself is Eren holding a child rather than anyone else as whoever this figure is tells the child they are free and this could only relate to both Ymir and Eren, the ones who sought freedom. This could mean in this instance Levi and Mikasa are the ‘gods’, the ones with the power to restore and mend, again through the concept of the Ackerman Gene being more than what meets the eye. Ymir will be reborn ultimately and no longer enslaved as will Eren. 

Ragnarok and Shingeki no Kyojin combined have connotations of ‘fate’ being a big part of their depths. It is fated. Everything is. Just like Eren’s death and potentially ability to be reborn into another timeline. Just like Eren’s fate to obtain the founding titan and attack titan, both very powerful titans in the manipulation of time and events. Eren makes a statement around chapter 123 in Paths when talking with Zeke that if someone tried to take his freedom, no matter who, he would remove theirs. That he has been like that since birth because he was “born into this world”.

Zeke: “Since birth?”

this further implies fate. He was born free, he expresses detest for people who aren’t free and bound by something, 2000 years, Ymir etc. This only ties together if Eren himself in past lives was someone with the same views and personality traits, like Mikasa, except hers are the opposite. Paths has always been there and everything that has happened in the past is imbedded within its clutches through Ymir. These two titans needed to be combined, Grisha was informed by Eren himself through Kruger and future versions of himself that he had to obtain the founder or nothing could be changed. Grisha is even seen asking Eren to show him everything that happens, whether carla dies etc. He did not have full control, this was made for Eren’s inhabitant period and he did not have access to all memories due to only being able to access the ones the future successor sends back in time. Like the mirror scene for example, Eren is speaking to someone else, not himself. Grisha was only instructed to go within the walls and have a family. Eren was instructed to save everyone. Remember that the common rule with time is that you cannot change the past or it significantly alters the future.

I believe all the memories (the ones we are seeing even now) are actually in paths, the story has always had an indication it is being ‘narrated’ by someone - in most instances this is Armin. This has implied he will survive into the future, but that others may not. How this will happen...I can only theorise that Ymir will factor into who lives or dies. She will need to leave paths however, the only way the titan curse will end is if she leaves and no one is there to build titans. She will be either reborn to capture her freedom or reborn through Eren for them both to obtain the same dream. There has been multiple theories that some other titan other than the attack titan could be the key or another character, like that of the Ackermans or armin for example as I do think the trio concept is likely. But, remember the manga is called “Shingeki no Kyojin” meaning “the attack titan” - its always been the key and Eren is that key...again, key? Eren. scarf? Mikasa. Equals symbolism.

At the end of the day, the characters who I feel personally will tie together the ending are Eren, Ymir, Historia and Levi, Mikasa, Armin - both trios on different sides of the coin. Just remember, this isn’t the type of story where the characters get what they desire and that they could die without obtaining these desires. Erwin died before learning the truth of the outside world. Hanji died. Sasha died, Niccolo lost her. Floch did not live to see Eldian rule. Levi may have killed Zeke, but what for? He killed a different version of him, not the one who murdered innocents in Shinganshina. Levi lost every attachment of his. Mikasa lost Eren. I’d be angry and sad for him, but Eren also could lose his freedom by striking a deal with Ymir for her own freedom. But! he could free the world and his friends through both Mikasa and Armin, the chain will break, the titan curse will end and he will cease to exist or be lost in Paths dormant, unlike Ymir for 2000 years. This would be a good culmination of Eren’s character, extremely heart breaking, but fitting. A character who only sought freedom for humanity. He is humanity’s hope after all. Remember, Kaji Yuki (Eren’s Japanese voice actor) expressed extreme sadness at learning Eren’s fate from Isayama. It has always been a manga that indicates a bittersweet ending, so this could also be highly likely. (Eren is my favourite character...so this guts my heart from my chest)

To conclude, these are merely my own speculation of the final events within 139 and although sad of its ending, my excitement for this final instalment knows no bounds. I can only wish for the best and I know Isayama will deliver. 

[ignitification]

LoV Colour Analysis Part I: Shigaraki Tomura.

As this analysis would be quite too long to read in one go, I decided to split it into three parts, each covering one of the Three Main Villains of BNHA (Shigaraki Tomura, Himiko Toga and Dabi).

All three do denote a precise and powerful colour scheme, but on today’s episode I am going to focus on the Leader of the League of Villains aka Shigaraki Tomura or Shimura Tenko.

Shigaraki’s colour pattern variates from Red (shoes and eyes), Black (his usual outfits, his hair when younger) to Light Blue, Grey and White (colour of his hair, skin and hands).

The interesting fact is how Shimura’s colour evolve with his persona and Quirk. The third paragraph is dedicated to the colour Yellow, which is not part of the palette associated with Tenko, but I included it because it adds to the detailing of Shigaraki’s character.

(Spoilers ahead! & tw/: mentions of canon-compliant violence; death)

I.) From Black to Light Blue to White 

During his growth, evolution as a villain and person, not considering the one spurred from his Quirk, Tenko’s hair undergo a quite big development. While the colour of his clothes stays more or less stable (being black throughout the entire series), what differentiates his eras is the colour of his hair. In his childhood, before manifesting his Quirk, Tomura’s hair was dark (strikingly similar to the one both Touya and Izuku sported). This changed to light blue/grey in his years until last arc, where after being himself an experiment under the hands of Doctor Death (Kyudai Garaki is a very creepy man) to inherit the original AfO’s Quirk, his hair becomes snow white (as a result of the transformation, I would believe - but it might as well mean another thing which I will talk about later). 

Beginning with maybe the easiest association: the colour black. 

A little note of the fear association: in this case, I would like to interpret it as Shigaraki being aware of his decaying Quirk and freak people out because of that, and because of his external looks, which do look like the one of a decaying child.

Power refers definitely to both his position and his Quirk, in this case - which make him stand out even more. However, the strength in this case, in my opinion, is more a smoke screen: black is also worn as a protection from external damage, as in stress and emotional backlash. This creates a barrier between the subject and the world, protecting internal emotions, and hiding its vulnerabilities, insecurities and lack of self confidence. The emotional trauma, the ‘hands shield’ Shigaraki derived, in a way, from his trauma and from being confronted with something, has shaken him to the core since childhood, and in this case the clothes serve to protect him from himself and his ‘actions’. In this aspect, him wearing black as a child might also stand for him trying to shield himself away from his parent’s judgement and stare, while protecting his will to want to be a hero, despite their negative reaction to any hint of that. These meaning are, in conclusion a full circle: one calls for the other, especially in Shigaraki’s case.

Black is also associated with mystery, evil and aggression. Shigaraki is written as an enigmatic villain, cold-hearted, devoid of any humanity and the will to full front destroy everything in its path. And while the meaning perfectly fit to how Shigaraki should be, I do believe that this is a very superficial and banal description of such a complex character. 

One thing which I found particularly interesting about this colour and its relation to Shigaraki, it’s the rocky tie that appears between black and its meaning as in rebellion. This aspect might refer to two different conditions: it might suppose a certain degree of refusal and hate for authority (The society at large), and at the same time the rebellion from his own family/persona/mentor, which could entail a fundamental foreshadow for Tenko’s destiny.

The color black affects the mind and body by producing feelings of emptiness, gloom, or sadness.

 I think here again, this might just an extermination of the feeling that have been torturing Shigaraki from the inside since he was a child, and that he himself has not acknowledged, which also stands to explain how he tries to feel that void or to ‘eliminate the scratch’ that has been tormenting him, and that knows no peace.

Furthermore, In Japanese culture, the colour black mainly denotes non-being (apart from mourning) and evil-heartedness in a person. This meaning is consistent with the personality described to us by Horikoshi: Shigaraki Tomura ceases to be a person at one point, when his consciousness gets subdued by AfO for a while. It is important to note here, how White (on the other side of the spectrum) is also the colour of death and mourning.

Not entirely worth mentioning, is that black is the stereotypical colour worn by villains and bad guys in different fictional environments.

(Light) Blue/Grey.

Just a reminder: neither grey nor blue are explicit colour in Tenko’s palette as a character, but I think they are still important and since greyish blue (the precise colour oh his hair) has not its own meaning, I took the freedom to actually associate the two separate colour in association to describe this period of transition between black and white.

The phase in which Tomura has Greyish-Blue hair is the longest one (in terms of years), but also the phase of passage (which consequently is the phase he is exploring, and is in the ‘grey zone’, where things are just getting defined and there are no absolutes). Grey, in this sense, sports both characteristics from White and Black (depending on the shade used), and even if not explicitly used for Tenko, it still represents a landmine in his development.

The colour grey is an ‘unemotional’ colour. It is detached, neutral, impartial and indecisive - all traits that can be reconnected at Shigaraki. Indeed, it is after his encounter with Izuku at the mall where he recognises why exactly (or so he thinks) he rages and wants to bring destruction to the world as known. This indicates how he has been striving for a real purpose, like the one Stain has, in order to actually understand what he is doing and evolve from the child the Heroes define him as, to a Villain with the capital V. He does relate to reality in partial ways, while he tries to define his identity as something that has died inside of him, Shimura Tenko, and at the same time the part that has lived on through the memories he removed and the hands which accompany him. He does not know which part is stronger, and trying to figure it out he tries and fails, only to try again.  To confirm the shaping of Shigaraki, indeed grey is a conforming colour and most of all it struggles with identity, which is arguably the most prominent trait Shigaraki presents during the first arcs of the story.

On the other hand, Blue symbolises coolness, passivity, fidelity. Somehow it reverberates the meaning of grey, while at the same time enhancing its other effects (it being emotionless and calm, undecided but also flowing). Blue is also indicator of depth, wisdom, confidence, and intelligence (among others). This also confirms the precedent meanings (of especially white) and it adds another dimension to Tenko’s character. It is clear how he feels deeply, and is still very clever in its own way. Still, this development and phase serves for him to obtain the other characteristics proposed by blue, especially wisdom and confidence (refer to Black where I said how sometimes the clothes are a screen to hide his true feelings). 

Blue is a colour that’s constant and unchanging, which contrasts with grey and brings forwconstant struggle in Tenko. Blue is also nostalgic. Curious is how blue lives in the past, relating everything in the present and the future to experiences in the past. I think that this is what blue is about with Tenko: he struggles to look forward, to forgive and let go because he never forgot his dad, his grandma or even society for when they had brought upon him as an innocent child. His bringing up has been focused, after all, on his developing his constant feeling of sadness, rage and gloom and the necessary power to express them in confident ways, which could bring destruction forward. Tenko is a puppet in AfO’s hands since he has ‘saved’ him, so I think this is why the sentence in which Shigaraki tries to break free from AfO’s will is a break point for the story, and for Shigaraki as well. 

Blue is also known for being deceitful and spiteful, depressed and sad, passive, self-righteous, emotionally unstable, weak, unforgiving. It can also indicate manipulation, unfaithfulness and being untrustworthy.

Indeed, it is after that Izuku sees Tenko being kneeled over by AfO and his presence that he understands that Shigaraki too, is human and that maybe the reasons for his rage and absolute hate for everything he comes across have deep roots, which is why even if he cannot forgive him for all the pain he has brought, he wants to save him.  

Finally, the paler the blue the more freedom we feel - which brings me to my theory on what, throughout the years Tenko’s hair have been ‘decaying’ and bleaching out. I think that as a child, Tenko is caged and tries to break free of his cage, of his ‘itch’ but he cannot because he does not realise what it is, and there is no freedom for him to actually understand. The first time he uses his Quirk, he feels finally satisfied for the first time. He tasted freedom for the first time, and now he wants to do it again and again. Growing up, however his ideals become blurry and he does not understand what he actually wants. He does know that the hands on his body represent what he has lost and what is actually still there with him, giving him strength and will, but at the same time he does not know what is beyond there. Which is why, after he goes through the transformation by Garaki, his hair becomes white: he gets rid of the insecurities, of the shackles that have stopped him from actually achieving his goal, or rather to pursue it freely. His ultimate goal, after all, is to get rid of his ‘itch’, which, in its own way, it’s his language to say that Shimura Tenko wants freedom.

As a note, Blue is also the colour of the Throat chakra. It is located in the throat, but it is linked to the throat, neck, hands, and arms. This Chakra is linked to speech. 

Final remark on blue: this colour is one of the most important lucky colors in Japan ( together with yellow, white, purple, green and, red) - and all the colour associated with Tomura, except for black, is indeed considered lucky.

White 

White, is an inherently positive colour, is usually associated with purity, innocence, light, goodness, beginnings, possibility and perfection. However it is also described an dperceived as cold, impersonal and bland. Shigaraki after his ‘transformation’ is the perfect soldier: he is very powerful, to a fault, and represents a new chapter in not only his own life but as well in the one which has been conducted by AfO, as he sees him as his vessel. The fact is that the beginning of a new Shigaraki which is flawless, in appearance, is a very well constructed lie. While he should represent perfection, first of all his transformation has not been entirely completed and furthermore, while it does represent a clean slate in his check, is also the possibility, reality coming through for AfO to take advantage of the body new, which Tomura must preserve. As the new Shigaraki however, has his ideals very present and wants to fight for them, to protect his feelings and his ideas, it is anyway a struggle for both him and AfO to juggle through everything going on Tenko’s mind, and emerge victorious. This is also the most interesting aspect of this colour: the goodness and inherent purity which comes from this colour implies a purification process in Shigaraki’s character, who instead gets fixed even more on him not wanting to forgive society and insisting on going on his rampage, because at the same time he cannot let go of these feelings, because now they are the only thing which make him go forward.

White is usually used in contrast to black, and represents the dichotomy of good and bad.

The psychological meaning of white is wholeness and completion. This also refers to the meaning and falls into the category of ‘perfection’: it is a new beginning, but at the same time it represents the closure of a cycle and the beginning of a new one: a perfect one, which represents closure (‘The Circle’). Tomura is supposed to be the new complete weapon at AfO’s will, but as I states before this is a fought point (between the two of them).

White, in cultures that believe in reincarnation is held in high regard. Indeed, they sustain how white is a sign of rebirth. 

Technically, Shigaraki has been reborn. What I mean is that he has transformed himself into not a new person, but in a better version of himself, he upgraded - and now of course going back is not an option. He has been held in a womb, breeding his new potential and now he became an individual whose strength far surpasses normal, his quirk control is absolutely insane and as well his memories, ideas and feelings are heightened. The theme of rebirth, which I think fits both Shigaraki and Dabi, is used a few times in BNHA, but as for Shigaraki it is very literal and very clear (after all he has been asleep for a time, just to wake up and fight an entire war against the Heroes). It is clear however, how his personality has been rebirth too: while he was not insecure, but more hesitant, now he is sure of his objective and he thrives on achieving it. What distinguishes therefore the old Shigaraki from this new one is the knowledge of being powerful and therefore being able to accomplish what we wants.

Finally, white inherently denotes death and mourning too in the Japanese culture, as well as black. Here, we are mourning the old Shigaraki, and the loss of the traits that instead made him a little bit more human, and a little less like God himself.

II.) From Red Eyes to Red Shoes (in association with both Izuku and Katsuki) 

I already talked about the colour red in regard to Izuku here, but if we take the same meaning and apply it to Tomura instead, we get a different picture. It is no mystery how Izuku and Tenko are foils for each other, and that they resemble each other in different ways (starting from them sporting red shoes, to their characters, being ‘accepted’ and trained by a mentor, and so on).

Red is the colour of extremes. It appears clear how Izuku and Tenko represent the opposite extremes: where Izuku is enamoured of heroes and idolised them to an unhealthy point, even though he comes from a background where he has been discriminated by that same society because he was different, Tenko is disillusioned with the society they live in. He wants to destroy to the ground, because he cannot find it in himself to forgive anyone who could and did not extend him a hand when he needed it. At the same time, both Izuku and Tenko believe that to a certain extent what they had done has been ‘deserved’, and are not entirely focused on their own well being. 

Red is also an attention-bringer. As I already noticed for Izuku, it is very curious how both wear red shoes, as a way to try and separate themselves from the rest, trying to escape the opinions of other which have labelled them in a way, and of course at the same time trying to take control and wanting to be the best in their own ways (hero or villain, that is).  

Red is also the colour of blood, of rage, anger as well as desire, leadership and strength. I want to make a point which I do not know whether is important or not, however, a fact that struck me hard is how Shigaraki’s irises are very very small, and it somehow seems that he tries to compensate the little quantity of red of Shigaraki with wearing red shoes. This might be an indicator how Shigaraki strives to achieve these qualities, but at the same time he needs to put a lot of effort in it, and furthermore it somehow feels different from when we compare it to Izuku: even if both are charismatic leaders, Shigaraki is very dispassionate about it, while Izuku frequently denies how his influence might be fundamental when it comes to other people (Katsuki, All Might, 1A). However, Shigaraki does reflect in his personality, the venous desire to be angry, aggressive and destructive as it what his power entails, and after all what has been taught to him. I noticed as well a post (which unfortunately I cannot find) where it says that Shigaraki has a very high tolerance pain (again, the parallels with Izuku are insane), which also reconnects somehow to the colour red as we saw how Shigaraki himself even if tired (LoV vs Machia/LF) or absolutely bloody and at the brink of death is instead held up by his will to destroy (Shigaraki vs Heroes).

It relates to danger, power, determination and action. Well, Shigaraki and danger go to hand in hand as well as determination and action. After all, Shigaraki’s Modus Operandi is Trial and Error, which means he is not afraid to be wrong and to try things out, even if he is stubborn and ways things to go his way, every time (when that rarely happens in general). 

Red is indeed determined, powerful, impulsive and aggressive. It is also tied to self-preservation. Although true for the most part, the self-preservation is still a massive blank point. 

He is bloody, and even AfO is telling him to rest and preserve his energies (even if here, my counter argument would be that it would be easier for him to overtake Shigaraki’s body if he is weaker, so I do not know how reliable this is).

The color red in Japanese culture denotes strength, passion, self sacrifice and blood. It Also stands for good luck and happiness. Which is still very amusing to me, as Shigaraki feels like the farthest character away from achieving happiness, and his passions and strives are all useless unless he gets rid of his master puppeteer. However, Shigaraki embodies the self-sacrificing spirit. Even if it might sound strange, and he is not very willing to be himself in the front lines (at least not always), he does approach ReDestro himself and takes him on, while leaving the League to deal with the rest.

III.) Yellow

Surprise, surprise! Yellow, in the Japanese culture stands for Courage, while usually the Western culture associates it with Cowardice. It is a funny thing that it also stands for betrayal, sickness, egoism and madness on the negative side, however it is rather a holy colour, usually associated with deities on the other side.

Since I am not going to include yellow in the association paragraph, it is not a case that black reacts badly to yellow, and forms a very unpleasant colour, which means that the circumstances which follow either do not mix well together. However, it is also true how the most resonant contrast between yellow and another colour is given by black. 

Plus yellow is the colour of the Solar Plexus Chakra and it is the symbol of vitality and will. All these elements, however present in a very limited amount in regard to Tenko, are telling of the aspect of authority (reconfirmed and amplified by black) and somehow, the lack of bright colours of Tenko makes the little yellow details resonating of a sad picture, as it embodies more the negative sides (egoism, sickness - and in part sickness). 

Colours in Association.

Black used in contrast–particularly with white or yellow–does create energy (especially the contrast on shapes and just power that the image of waken up Shigaraki creates in the last arc is enough to send this message). It is as well true that black when used in opposition with white, symbolises the eternal struggle between day and night, good and evil, and right and wrong - a thing that for Shigaraki is somehow a metaphor and a literal representation of himself as a character. A perfect example would be the struggle he has with AfO for his body, where he struggles between his internal feelings and dreams and instead the evil will imposed by him by AfO, as well as in terms of consciousness where him being present and conscious is the day, while being subdued to AfO’s will in the Night.

Black usually represent the end, but the end always implies a new beginning. So when the light appears, and black transcends to white, it instead the colour of new beginnings. I already talked about how rebirth theme and the new beginning on new ideals and dreams is represented for Tenko by the colour white, however it is interesting also to note how his change in personality brings him from his childhood dream to being thankful to AfO who raised to him, but wanting to be even greater than AfO himself,- metaphor for Tomura’s life as being free from shackles of reality.

Bluish-Grey is also defined as ‘livid’, an adjective used to describe anger or decoloration of the skin (caused by bruising). This colour gives a sense of detachment - which also goes to review the colour grey and blue, in them being interpreted together as an entity, and how Tomura feels a detachment from his own memories, and past life, as well as his future (When Did We Ever Need A Future?) and instead seek meaning in everything that surrounds him. 

Red and white are prominent traditional colours in Japan. Both colours are used in decorations at events which represent happiness and joy.

On a non serious note, Shigaraki’s date of birth is 4th of April, and casually the colours associated with April are Burgundy (deep red) and White (according to the Japanese etiquette). 

And finally last remark for this post: it is very funny how Shigaraki’s palette is somehow almost the same as Bakugou’s (with the exception of green - which I would like to interpret as if Bakugou did not have Midoriya as his side, he could have ended in a far worse position, with no hope and no one to compare to).

Thank you for reading.

[murdereraisuha]

Classpecting TWST: Savanaclaw

Time to classpect the dorm that deserved better writing-wise. I’m gonna start tagging these “twst analysis” now too cause I am basically using the classpect stuff as a vehicle for getting a better understanding of the characters

Spoilers for chapter 2 and some of the trio’s personal stories. No knowledge of Homestuck required to read.

[Image description: A banner containing a picture of Leona, the symbol for the hope aspect, and the words “Leona Kingscholar: Prince of Hope”]

Before we get to the reasoning, I just want to say, Leona I am so sorry you have to share a classpect with Eridan. Okay now I’ll hand the mic to past me.

Throughout his personal stories, we see that Leona is fine with resorting to underhanded tactics, but he specifically values cleverness and creative use of resources. Leona looks down on those who don’t exhibit those things (ex. the Savanaclaw students in Leona’s dorm uniform story who tried to beat up Jack using sheer numbers).

Leona tends to only expend effort on things that benefit him in some way.

Leona is a powerful and intelligent magic user; he could have easily graduated already if he wanted to, but it seems he doesn’t want to.

Despite Leona’s strengths, those around him criticized him and constantly compared him to his brother due to Leona being the 2nd born prince. No matter what he did, he could not sway those opinions. He could never become number 1.

Because of this, he developed the belief that life isn’t fair and he gives up on things rather easily.

Based on this, I have 3 aspects in mind: rage, hope, and doom.

Rage and hope go hand in hand as opposites: rage is negative emotions, rejection, and doubt, while hope is positive emotions, acceptance, and ideals. For Leona, his story seems to be about him having given up on his hope and dreams of ever succeeding. In its place he has become quick to deem efforts worthless. He acts antagonistic to people like Vil and Malleus, and he seems to disapprove of some of Jack’s honorable ideals. All of these things connect to the parts of rage/hope.

Doom is also a possibility, as it represents negativity, decay, and limits. It is the opposite to life, the aspect that I picked for Kalim. Therefore, I think doom is plausible since Leona shows the opposite side to the luxuries enjoyed by Kalim and Farena as first borns.

Now for classes. I don’t think Leona does much stealing, he doesn’t suffer from indecision, he doesn’t put up any masks, and he’s not a very healing focused person. I think that narrows it down to witch, heir, mage, prince, and bard.

If it’s prince or bard it would have to be hope, in which case prince of hope fits Leona best due to his destruction of hope being focused more than just happening naturally. Though Leona has suffered, it seems to have more hampered his potential than gave him useful knowledge so now I’m kicking out mage. Heir seems to fit best if it’s as a heir of rage. Finally, I’m also kicking out witch since he he doesn’t do much manipulation of any of the 3 aspects.

Between prince of hope and heir of rage... it’s prince of hope. Since Leona says that nothing he did could sway people’s negative opinion of him, we can assume that Leona had hope earlier in his life that he could change those opinions. He did stuff like studying and improving his magic until he finally realized that that wasn’t changing his image at all. Rather than preserve his hope, he choose to destroy it, making his class the active destroyer class, prince.

In chapter 2, he rallies Ruggie the rest of his dorm against Diasomnia, using their hopes as a tool for destroying the other teams. In 2-24 Leona then tries to destroy their hopes once he deems their plan useless. At one point he says 「じゃあ本当のことを教えてやるよ」, translated by Shel_BB on youtube as “Let me give you a dose of reality.” This and the other things he says this episode really connect to the hope/rage themes of reality vs fantasy and stop vs go. Therefore, quite ironically since he is an actual prince, Leona's classpect seems to be a prince of hope.

[Image description: A banner containing a picture of Ruggie, the symbol for the Life aspect, and the words “Ruggie Bucchi: Rogue of Life”]

Ruggie grew up in a poor environment with food insecurity. Many of his clothes are hand-me-downs, he’s fine with eating odd things like dandelions, and before holiday break he raids the cafeteria for food to bring back for the others in his town.

Ruggie’s official hobby is part-time jobs. From working at Mostro Lounge to selling mandrakes, he’s really focused on earning money however he can.

His skillset, which includes pickpocketing and haggling, lets Ruggie pull off plenty of clever and underhanded tricks.

However, like Leona, Ruggie still has standards: in one of his ceremony robe voice lines, he says that he prefers his lot in life over that of a spoiled, rich person without any problems. 

His dorm uniform personal story, where he teams up with Trein’s cat to get magic history help and catch rats, is about using the power of others instead of relying solely on himself.

There were 3 paragraphs of stuff here that I deleted because I was getting absolutely nowhere. I didn’t expect Ruggie to be this hard.

Like, Ruggie's problems kinda seem to stem from just poverty and Leona being an asshole. Well, hm, actually if we combine the moral of his dorm uniform story and Ruggie acting like Leona’s maid, perhaps Ruggie’s problem is something like he keeps taking on burdens? Out of everyone who lives in his slums, he’s likely the only one going to a prestigious school like NRC. He’s likely well-known there because of that and him bringing back food a lot. Are Ruggie’s ambitions for a good job not only his own ambitions, but that of the whole community? I’ve always been a bit confused about why Ruggie helps Leona out outside of the magift tournament stuff. Is he... so used to having to help others and constantly take on jobs that his standards for what’s reasonable work are gone? I just went through the chats and in Jack’s one with Ruggie, Jack is telling him about having to find something to draw for a homework assignment and Ruggie immediately offers to go get his warthog piggy bank. Bruh?? Doesn’t that have your money? Why are you just lending it out like that????

Alright, because Ruggie is a guy who needs to chill and have some me-time, I’m narrowing his class down to rogue, maid, or knight. For aspects, I’m thinking life (energy & luxury), time (action & death), or blood (community & responsibility).

On second thought, I’m kicking out maid and blood. Rogue & knight and life & time seem to fit Ruggie better. And now my best guess is rogue of life. First, he obviously fits the stealing aspect of the class through his skill at stealing. Like how a rogue redistributes things, Ruggie obtains money/food to redistribute to the others in the slums. He also injured the people in chapter 2, basically taking life from them, which resulted in Savanaclaw's chances of winning the tournament getting stronger. For the tendency of rogues to have a hard time coping with having their aspect, Ruggie has a hard time accepting luxury/relaxation time. He funnels all his resources into efficient causes and his community. Also, in Jack’s dorm outfit personal story where Jack tries to help him out with stuff, Ruggie is distrustful of him and goes out of his way to avoid him.

I didn’t have any sort of eureka moment with this one like I had with the twins, so I’m still unsure about it. However, considering that TWST characters obviously weren’t meant to get crammed into the classpect system, it makes sense that some might not fit perfectly. So, with what I do have, I think that Ruggie is a rogue of life.

[Image description: A banner containing a picture of Jack Howl, the symbol for the mind aspect, and the words “Jack Howl: Page of Mind”]

Jack values honor, strength, and hard work. He believes that people should accomplish things through their own efforts rather than lowly tricks.

Therefore, Jack disapproves of Leona and Ruggie's method of doing things. 

In contrast to how Leona and Ruggie use others, Jack sometimes refuses help, like in chapter 2 when he claims he can handle his dorm by himself.

Jack is quite intelligent and insightful, as shown by his comments throughout chapter 3 and his scary outfit personal story.

Jack respects social/group hierarchies and takes care not to disturb order, as shown in his dorm outfit personal story.

Also in his dorm outfit personal story, Jack says that he wants to become someone with a single true purpose.

So, I'm already kind of stumped. He doesn't have any big moments in the spotlight during the main story, so there's not much to go off of there. 

We have to start somewhere though. So, first off, I’ll eliminate the destruction classes and theft since he doesn’t do much of either. I’ll also eliminate the knowledge classes since I don’t think he holds any special knowledge of anything.

For potential aspects, after eliminating the ones that seem mostly irrelevant to him, I’m left with mind, heart, hope, rage, or blood. The 2 that particularly stick out to me are mind and heart.

Mind is the aspect of logic, unbiasedness, morality, and blending in. For Jack, his strong focus on justice even when it means going against someone he once admired seems very mind-like. His care in not stepping out of line in social situations also relates to blending in. Of course, we should still keep mind’s opposite, heart, in consideration.

Now that I’m pretty confident his aspect is mind or heart, we’re left with 12 possible classpects. I still can’t narrow it down well, let’s go back to Jack’s traits.

What challenges does he face or have to overcome? In the main story, the problem he faces is trying to correct the injustice in his dorm by himself. In his dorm outfit story, the problem he faces is being over zealous about helping Ruggie. Wait, actually, that’s not right. Though that is a problem, it seems like the main growth/realization for Jack is about his motivation for helping Ruggie. When questioned by Ruggie in part 1, he mainly cites the group hierarchy as the reasons for his actions. However, later on, Deuce deduces (haha) that Jack looks up to Ruggie like a big brother. Though Jack denies it, at the end of the story he asks if Ruggie would let him call him big bro.

It’s like he is concerned about justice and social harmony (mind stuff), but in reality he does stuff according to his impulses and emotions (heart stuff). This doesn’t feel like a prince/bard situation though, it isn’t dysfunctional or destructive enough for that. I thought that the pages of the cast might be Epel and/or Sebek, but it seems that Jack may be a page.

Pages, the passive exploitation class, are characterized by a deficit in their aspect that they try to hide and overcome. Like how Jack takes his service of Ruggie too far, pages often overshoot in their efforts to correct their weakness. However, as they grow and learn from their mistakes, pages become masters of their aspect, like in Jack’s scary outfit story where he starts out with a bad idea then at the end develops it into a sound plan to scare the tourists. That also fits well with mind, since smoke and mirrors is another big part of that aspect.

Therefore, with how well this class seems to fit with Jack’s actions and motivations, I think that he is probably a page of mind.

[johns-prince]

TW for eating disorders, etc.

John OP here. Thanks for the beautifully written answer. I appreciate the honesty and in fact, you make very good points. I doubt I'd be the best influence on someone like John when it came to body image because we seem too alike in that department. I was a teenager in the size zero hysteria of the early 00s and this probably shaped my sense of aesthetics. I'm more relaxed about that now but my eye still responds to a certain look on people. I can't help it. I had my own "Fat Beatle" episode and I could tell how it all changed when I shed the weight. It didn't really matter how or whether I was miserable, I just looked the "right" way and people would let me know. It's possible I projected it all on poor John. But I know he'd relate to that in many levels.

I'm not a fan of the "rat man" thing either. I know people mean well and I try to look at it with humor but it does bother me. Mostly because the stans of the other boys are very positive about them and I'd like that for John too. His looks were a major part of his struggle so I know he'd be crushed watching everyone praising his mates (especially Paul) while he gets to be the fucking rat, you know? As I have mentioned before, you can feel it even on fanfiction. Even the writers who seem more John inclined will go on for pages about how pretty Paul (which he is, of course) and how lucky John was to be with him. Like it was a favor or something. That when the stories don't keep pushing that tired trope about Crazy John crushing on pretty but Immovable Sexuality Paul. That's not really my cup of tea tbh.

In the end I'm just happy to start this discussion

with intelligent people who will bring their opinions to the table respectfully. I hope my previous comment didn't trigger anyone or came across as worse than I hoped. If that was the case, I'd like to apologize, it really wasn't my intention.

Darling, don't fret. You've really nothing to be sorry about. One reason why I relate to John is because I have issues with bulimia to this day, and can experience hardcore body dysmorphia at the worst of times dues to my insecure and self hatred towards my body. I get it.

I remember that, vaguely at least, the whole size zero thing. I do, that was such a strange phenomenon, because it takes a certain body type to fit it naturally, or... Y'know, starving yourself.

Anyway, I think we all sort of project on our favorite boy, and we all sort of see ourselves in them too. You wouldn't be the first, and certainly won't be the last.

Yeah, I completely understand how you feel. Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe I don't have a sense of humor, but I'm inclined to feel protective over John, and I feel like if you know about John's insecurities and struggles with himself in regards to his physical appearance, why... Would you yourself find it a silly and relatively harmless thing to apparently joke about calling him things like that, idk like I said I don't see anyone else really making such snide comments and quips when it comes to the other three. So at what time did the bandom just agree it was an acceptable thing to do towards John?

Whatever, people can do and say what they like y'know free country an' all, but I don't have to approve of it or like it.

Real talk, I low-key I am guilty of writing in that way but I primarily do it as if John feels that way, or thinks it, or feels it. Due to his insecurity and self doubt, the fear that he'll always be abandoned by those he holds dear and loves, the fear that it's all just too good to be true for him-- that's why I ever write a scene when it comes to Paul, that it's just John's way of thinking, not seeing his own worth, and ends up sort of idolizing those individuals (listen John once compared Paul to a religion that he knew/had so I feel like he idolized and saw Paul in this 'oh God he's too perfect oh no' sort of light, which both terrified and fed into the 'paul's going to leave me one day he'll figure it out that he doesn't need me I'm not enough' sort of mindset too) he just had a bit of a habit doing that to those he held intimately dear, until... They let him down or proved his insecurities and doubts right, that in the end they all leave him and don't actually love him. It's a cruel self fulfilling prophecy in a sense, since John, either consciously or subconsciously, put relationships and people through tests to see if they could withstand him and his antics, if they'd stay loyal, if they'd still love him. Sometimes he'd just push people away, and then feel like they just up and abandoned him...

I'm rambling. Anyway the point, your point, still stands! Their relationship shouldn't be written as one doing the other a favor for liking them and being with them! Maybe in reality people did think Paul was doing not only John a favor for being his partner but also a favor to everyone else, because John had Paul and Paul could be seen as the one handling John's lead. It's kind of like how some peer at John's art school thought Cynthia had done them all a favor for taking John.

I don't like that. John isn't some problem to be passed onto someone who must then bear the burden of him. That's just... Wrong. And I think both Cynthia and Paul would think so too. John could be challenging but geez, it shouldn't be made out like anyone who loved John and wanted to be around him and be with him was just some sort of favor to the world or to him.

If anything John and Paul were both extremely lucky to have found each other-- it's not exactly common for soulmates to find each other, especially at such a young age? Please. Most of us will never, which is common.

Like the crushing went both ways lol if anything it's Paul who crushed first-- while John never mentioned it, Paul had brought up how he'd noticed John long before meeting him at the Fete. They had even briefly talked at a newspaper shop which Paul had been working at. He'd see John on the streets, he'd notice him riding on the top deck of buses, or in line at the fish and chips-- he'd try and steal glances at John when he'd notice him on the same bus! Paul was instantly drawn to this tough looking teddy with big sideboards and greased hair and the drainies and a roguish air about him. He was like a schoolgirl with a crush, and he didn't even know this boy. Yet.

If anything it's Paul who noticed John first, and started crushing on John first. Then they finally were introduced at the local Fete, and that was it for both of them.

And let's be real John might've been a bit crazy, but Paul loved him, loved his touch of crazy. And Paul might be immoveable heterosexuality, but that goes straight out the window when it comes to John, and only John it appears.

So yeah, I get where you're coming from, and your grievances and perspective.

I'm glad you decided to share it with me! Sorry about my rambling (• ▽ •;)

[ingeniouscollectionthing]

If you were alive again… (Tom Riddle x Reader)

Part 1

Request: Any chance I could request something for Tom Riddle x Ghost! Reader? It starts off with Tom manipulating her for info and the Reader just liking being noticed, but then Tom falls for her and tries to find a way to bring them together. Could end in fluff or smut, whichever works best for you!

Pairing: Tom Riddle x Reader

Hogwarts' astronomy tower was engulfed in the beautiful silver streams of light provided by a rich full moon, which hung high up in the night sky - pitch black, lightened up by countless glimmering stars.

A sole silhouette of a girl, no older than sixteen, could be found sitting on the railing, gazing into the seemingly never ending darkness. A crisp cold wind blew by, but she - or shall one say - You couldn't be bothered. You couldn't feel it - for you were dead.

A mere shadow of what you once have been, a young and talented student who has walked along the many corridors of this very school a long time ago. Once you have been a proud member of house Slytherin, younger sister of the famous Gellert Grindelwald - the very same who transported you into the unloving hell of the living dead for the sake of power, although you always supported him in everything he did.

He was an ungreatful, despicable, pathetic bastard, taking for granted what laid right in front of his eyes. And when he finally rose to power he lost sight of the things dearest to him - fighting his very best partner Dumbledore and killing you in a fit of rage.

Merlin forsake these Deathly Hallows, which brought out the worst in all wizards and witches who tried to conquer them.

Footsteps sounded behind, but you didn't need to turn around to know who visited at this hour.

Tom was his name, a handsome boy dare you say, quite charming and intelligent. He has been visiting you for a few weeks now, engaging you in deep conversations about anything. More than often you talked about your brother, realizing soon that this boy resembled him in more ways than one. Tom himself had ambitions about making magical beings the superior race, killing all those unworthy of using witchcraft. And as you did with your brother, you also shared his oppinion.

"Good evening, Lady Grindelwald", Tom said, now standing by your side, hands behind his back.

"Tom, my dear, what brings you here tonight?" you questioned, turning to look at him.

"I just wanted to see you. How are you feeling today?"

You looked back out into the night sky, smiling slightly, as you quite liked the attention you recieved by him.

"Alright, I believe. I've been reminiscing about the days where I didn't feel as numb as I do today".

A pang of guilt hit Tom in the chest, making him furrow his brows in confusion. He was so close to getting the information about the famous elder wand he so eagerly wanted, as it was lastly known as the wand of your brother. With the stone of resurrection, currently possessed by his very own uncle, whom he wanted to kill within the next few days, along with his grandfather, he'd gain umimaginable power.

He didn't know why he felt that way as he looked at your emotionless expression, you were useless to him in any way. He couldn't define, why he almost felt eager to come visit you every night.

'I'm sure it's because I'm so close to my goal', Tom thought - at least that's what he tried to tell himself. Tom never felt this way. To be fair, he didn't think he could. But still he found himself loving the hours he had with you, he loved your presence.

All he said was,

"I understand how you must feel. I too haven't felt anything remotely close to emotion since the day I have been left at the doorstep of that despicable orphanage". Lies.

For the thirst time ever, Tom showed sympathy. He almost gagged at his behaviour.

"I still can't believe I'm the only one you ever told the story about your life. I can imagine that you must have quite many friends, Mr. Popular", you laughed for the first time in years, a slight twinkle awakened in your eyes.

Tom didn't notice. Lies.

He wondered what colour your eyes were, for colour was nowhere to be found in your ghostly appearance. He wondered if they would shine in a bright blue or in a beautiful earthy brown. Or maybe they were a glimmering gemstone green.

If you were alive again..

Tom dismissed this thought. He didn't care about this, about you. He couldn't, he didn't want to. All he wanted was the missing information.

So he just shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"You're the only one I trust enough to know about this".

You sighed, the smile on your lips vanishing again. You loved being near him, but you knew deep down, that in reality - he wasn't here for you. Lies.

His next question confirmed your suspicions.

"Do you still remeber what we talked about yesterday?", Tom asked, now leaning next to you on the railing.

"The way Dumbledore is following your every move or the elder wand?", you mumbled, knowing where this would go.

"The second one would be correct, Miss Grindelwald. As i recall correctly, you said that your brother took it with him to Nurmengard".

"Tom", you sighed, now floating away from the railing to the opposite side of the tower. "I already told you that it would do you no good to infatuate yourself with this topic. You'd fulfill your dreams without it"

"(Y/N), you know I wouldn't use it, I promised you. I promised to destroy the very thing that is responsible for your death", Tom replied, again haunted by guilt. Lies again.

He has been trying to get this information out of you for quite some time now, but you never said a word. However you started to rethink your desicion, after all you thought you could trust him.. or could you? He was persuasive.

That you liked Tom was an understatement. You fell for him. How could you not? He was perfect in every way, he was powerful and he seemed proud in what he was doing. But would you really want him to become the very same thing your brother became? A power hungry monster? Would you be ready to witness, as another one of your loved ones got stuck in insanity?

You went back and forth in your conversation, him preassuring you and you reluctantly telling him more about what he wanted to know.

Finally you gave in, telling him about everything your brother gathered of knowledge about the deathly hallows. And how the elder wand was in fact in Dumbledore's possession, for it changed it's loyalty to the person, who overpowered the owner.

"So all this time it's been right before my eyes", Tom mumbled, tapping his nose. "Of course Dumbledore would have it". He got annoyed.

You cleared your throat, for you heard exactly what he said and as he turned to look at you, his heart, which he believed to be made from stone, missed a beat.

You were a true haunting beauty. Your face and body posture held a certain grace, drawing him in.

If you were alive again...

What if? Yes, what if you were alive again? Could you be his?

And his next question threw both of you off guard, for it was an action of instinct neither of you expected. It was an action of...could you call it love?

"Do you miss being alive? Do you ever miss being human?", Tom asked silently.

This was out of character for him, he never cared. Or did he now? Caring was a weak term for these unknown emotions inside him. Is this what people call love? Is he loving?

He watched you closely, as your eyes lost every twinkle. He felt bad again. He watched you, as your eyes dropped to the floor, as a small white thread of tears dribbled slowly down your silver cheek. He felt worse now.

Tom took a step near you.

"It would be my hearts deepest desire...to get back what has been taken from me so very early...", you whispered.

You looked at him again, a small sad smile gracing your lips. You shook your head.

"What if? Yes, what if you were alive again?". There was an edge of desperation to his voice now. For the first time ever, Tom Riddle's heart felt something. It beat in his throat. It felt pain, desire, angst and love all at once.

Another question out of instinct, maybe, dare I say it, out of love.

"Could you be mine then?"

And then you vanished.

What if? Yes, what if you were alive again? Could you be his?