#stop mourning the loss of me I’m still the same fucking person

[wow-nsfw-alt]

Watching a cis family member go through the 5 stages of grief while accepting that you’re trans is exhausting and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

[holylulusworld]

The widow (2)

Summary: You trust no one. Not since they got your husband killed.

Pairing: TFaTW!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions death of a loved-one, mentions of s miscarriage (no description), the reader is under protection, bitchy reader, arguments, grumpy Bucky, angst, grief

The widow masterlist

The Widow (1)

Over the next few days, you stayed in your bedroom. The confrontation with Bucky, and defending your dead husband drained all the energy you had left from your body.

You lost your appetite and didn’t even try to get up from bed to have a shower. It’s not a secret that you reek, and need to clean yourself up but you just can’t find the strength to do more than mourn the loss of Ransom all over again.

“She didn’t leave the room for days?” Sam throws his hands up. “I know you and her were butting heads from the moment you met, but we are responsible for her. Y/N had nothing to do with her husband’s crimes. She’s an innocent victim and lost more than her husband that day.”

“What else did she lose, huh?” Bucky huffs. “The money? Or all the shiny things. Maybe her pretty dresses and expensive shoes.”

“Bucky, why are you so angry at her?” Sam questions. “From the very beginning, you attacked her without a reason.”

“Because she’s a spoiled brat and cries over her criminal husband. I lost people too – good people. People who protected people all her life!”

“Her husband was a good person too,” Sam gets louder and starts to argue with his hands. “He did everything to protect his wife. Ransom Drysdale committed most of the crimes he got arrested for after they threatened his wife.”

“That’s what he told the cops.” Bucky sneers. He still doesn’t believe you and your husband got tricked by his business partners.

“Bucky, I know blaming you for your past was a low blow,” Sam’s features soften, and he puts his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “But man, she’s an innocent bystander, and she’s grieving. Y/N did not only lose her husband that day, but her unborn child too. Her future got ripped out of her hands by the people claiming to protect them.”

Bucky feels like someone punched him in the guts. He looks at Sam, feeling like a monster. “Her baby?”  

“Ransom protected her with his body, but she still got shot,” Sam lowers his voice. “One of the bullets hit her belly and…”

“She lost the baby,” Bucky whispers, as he looks anywhere but at Sam. “You should’ve told me so, Sam.”

“Why? Only because she lost her baby doesn’t make her a saint,” Sam can’t help but snap at his friend. “I didn’t think her losses would stop you from blaming her for all the things happening to her.”

“Sam, I’m not like that.” Bucky tries to argue. “ You know that.”

“Yeah?” Sam cocks his head and looks Bucky up and down. “How about you prove you are not a stubborn and unfair bastard.”

“I still don’t like her,” Bucky points his index finger at Sam. “But I’ll try to do better.”

Bucky enters your room after he knocks a few times. You didn’t tell him to get fucked as usual and he’s worried you tried to escape or worse, hurt yourself.

“I’m coming in,” he says and opens the door. Bucky finds it unlocked because you didn’t want him to tear the door down for a third time. “I hope you are dressed.”

He waits for a heartbeat, and another before finally stepping inside the room. 

“Sam is downstairs and needs to talk to you. They will be here in a few days to hear your statement.”

Bucky walks toward the bed, finding you in the same position as last time he sneaked inside your room to check if you are still alive.

“Come on, don’t be a brat, redress, and come downstairs for breakfast.”

You don’t react. All you do is stare at the wall and wallow in your pain.

“G-et fucked,” your voice cracks, but you at least tried to get rid of him. 

“There she is,” he says and walks around the bed to crouch down right in front of you. Bucky frowns deeply. You are still staring at the wall. “You need to get up and have a shower.” He scrunches up his nose. “When was the last time you showered?”

“Get fucked.”

“Doll, that’s not what’s going to happen,” he carefully moves closer to drag the blanket off your body. You shiver and wrap your arms around yourself. “You need a shower and food. If you don’t get out of the bed yourself, I’ll grab you and put you under the spray.”

You huff. “Just let me rot in dirt and smell. You don’t give a fuck about me.”

“Yeah, but you smell bad, and I don’t want Sam to get mad at me,” he smirks when you turn your back on him. “Oh, we are on cold-shoulder terms already. Good. That’s progress.”

You don’t like that he’s talkative today. Something must’ve happened, and you wonder what your prison guard is up to today. “Let me sleep.”

“You slept enough over the last days,” he says and grasps for you. You’re too tired and weak to fight him. You end up in his arms. 

“Let me down,” you say, and wiggle in his grip, but you don’t stand a chance against a super-soldier. Bucky carries inside the bathroom, laughing as you throw insults at him. “Let me down! I won’t tell you twice!”

“You already did, doll.” He carefully puts you on your feet but blocks your path. “You’ve got two options. Number one, I’ll leave the bathroom and you have a shower. Number two, you act like a brat, and I’ll scrub your smelly ass clean.”

“You wouldn’t dare putting your hands on me!” Your nostrils flare, and you’re about to attack a much stronger opponent.

“Have a shower, and I’ll change the sheets. Sam brought you fresh clothes and toiletries.” Bucky turns to leave. “I’ll give you fifteen minutes to get clean, or I’ll take down the door and scrub you clean.”

“Get fucked,” you weakly reply. Today is not the best day for a fight or any kind of interaction with other people. You only want to go back to bed and hide from the world.

Bucky glances at you one last time before leaving the bathroom. Something seems to be off with you, but he doesn’t have the time nor the patience to ask you what’s wrong.

“Y/N, hi,” Sam walks toward you to tell you about the latest development in your husband’s case. “How have you been?”

You shrug and walk past Sam.

“You could at least answer his damn question.” Bucky curses himself for his slip of the tongue. He promised Sam to try better and just started a fight again.

You yawn and walk toward the small kitchenette. “He’s still my prison guard, and my husband is still dead. Everything remains the same. What about you? Any plans on killing me yet?”

Bucky watches you grab a bottle of water and an apple before you walk back upstairs to hide in your bedroom. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Bucky frowns deeply. He was waiting for a snarky comeback or a witty comment coming from you.

“Bucky, leave her alone,” Sam shakes his head. “Today is her wedding anniversary. It’s the worst day to mess with her. Give her time and space.”

Part 3

Tags in reblog.

[simonespeaks]

lemme drag letitia again

she really had the audacity to tell them they could become british, that they could sever their ties to their motherlands like it wouldn’t leave them completely adrift. i’m gonna come at this from a different angle than loss of identity.

letitia was at babel when anthony faked his death. she saw how little anthony, a whole fucking babel professor, was mourned. she is also the same person who get fucking yelled at for sitting in evie’s seat even though she’d been in the ground for years. clearly between the two someone was considered british and it wasn’t anthony.

so tell me again how victoire, ramy, and robin are supposed to become british?

let’s say that wasn’t the case and proving themselves with their labor was valid. guess what, they’re still not british. letitia could’ve stayed at her father’s estate instead of coming to babel and she’d still be considered british without her productivity being measured. should victoire have to wear a badge saying how many match pairs she’s come up with so people treat her with basic human decency? no, but that’s the best chance she’d have. what about that screams acceptance?

and to go back to the evie bit, that’s part of why letitia’s interlude had me hot. yes patriarchy gives robin and ramy some benefits, but at the end of the day they could never become evie to babel. letita, however, did when she succeeded where evie failed and brought hermes down.

in conclusion, letitia is an unempathetic delusional self-righteous pos who couldn’t just stop being a white women™ for 2 seconds and simply look at what was right in front of her.

[gggoldfinch]

the first time I wrote this my laptop crashed halfway through and deleted everything and I started sobbing. here we go again, part 2, I'll try not to have a fucking stroke:

(Also not to be weird or unkind but pls don’t read/like/reply to this if you’re not a follower or mutual of mine. I trust my regulars and mutuals, some y’all that blow in on the wind scare me …)

here’s a little personal ramble about me discovering(?) my neurodivergency (with a sprinkle of childhood trauma) (I lied it’s not a sprinkle it’s a backhoe full) because I just had a fucking MASSIVE epiphany while sitting here doing nothing. Feel free to read idc, I just need somewhere to put this since I don’t have a shrink, and maybe some y'all will relate, considering we’re all a bit touched in the head here. This is a blog and I’m finally treating it like one lmao

a little context: I had somewhat severe epilepsy from age 4-5 that seemingly had no cause, and went away on its own. yay. 

so, on to the topic at hand. My family had numerous stories about how I used to get seriously SERIOUSLY overwhelmed/ overstimulated as a child— so much so that on one particular occasion I hid in a basket of toys in my bedroom during my own birthday party until my mom had to make everyone leave early. Needless to say I was labelled “a handful.” My parents always blamed these outbursts of overstimulation in social settings on my epilepsy (even though this behavior continued after my epilepsy cured itself), saying that it made me tired, irritable, easily overwhelmed, etc. But now as an adult, knowing there is a fairly decent likelihood that I have not only adhd but autism too, this makes much more sense. Side note: my parents refuse to believe their child could be neurodivergent (among many other bigoted things their child could not be)—they shoot me down whenever I propose the idea, calling me silly—so it’s likely that bringing me to a specialist never crossed their minds, considering they didn’t want to consider it and I didn’t portray the “traditional symptoms” of neurodivergency that were known about in the early 2000s. 

all this being said, yes, I just had that epiphany while sitting here on my couch and was like. oh. damn, that kinda makes sense now, looking back through a different lens. It’s always been here, apart of me. It’s always been with me. And realizing this kinda makes me a little sad. I have all the resources at my fingertips now as an adult to learn about all the ways my behavior has been misinterpreted throughout my life. All the times when I refused to let my mom brush/touch/style my hair, when I'd only eat the same favorite foods, why I was SO obsessed with pacifiers, why I would lash out and get overwhelmed and torment everyone around me. I understand why now, and it strangely makes me feel so sad and alone.

I feel like I’m always mourning my childhood and the loss of it (crying rn lol, a tear fell in my mouth). I was friendless and bullied for 9 whole years of my life, throughout my entire elementary and middle education. My grandparents, who were my best friends, died 15 months apart and I never got proper closure, and am still in mourning over a decade later. I was diagnosed with several life changing diseases when I was just a poor dumb kid and it virtually stripped my teenage years to their bare bones. I had good times, I did, but you don’t often remember the good times, do you. I remember feeling alone, overwhelmed, and so so so different for so many years of my life, and not understanding why. I really do think my childhood ended when my grandparents died when I was 10, because after that ushered in the mental and physical health problems, and still, no comfort in peers until my late teens. Even when I finally had friends in high school (not the same friends from high school that I've talked about here, mind you), they would tease me; laugh when I’d slip up verbally, or when I was slow on the uptake, even if I asked them to stop. I’d feel overwhelmed and isolated, but I'd suck it up because this is what friends do, despite this being exactly what my merciless “friend” bullies did in middle school. 

Now I realize that I always had the right to be overwhelmed and angry that no one understood why— my symptoms of neurodivergy came in a “gifted kid” box, with hyperfixations and poor social skills abound. Now Ive got gifted kid burnout and explanations for my younger self. I understand why I sometimes felt like I needed to peel off my skin if I felt overwhelmed (still do lol), why kids didn’t want to be friends with me and thought I was weird, why I was so susceptible to teasing and why I couldn't stand up for myself, why I always pretended to fit in even though I and everyone else knew I didn’t. 

I think I deserve to grow more now, knowing all this. I know I’ve done and said a lot of stupid shit I'm not proud of, and I know it may be a copout to blame it on not being entirely sure how to navigate social situations or on kids being mean little bastards, but I sincerely think I've grown as a human just by realizing it hasn’t all been my fault like I've told myself for so long. I didn’t drive people away as a kid, I couldn’t help it if I acted out when I was overwhelmed or overstimulated or humiliated— I didn’t want to put my mom through hell when she too was young and overwhelmed with having her first kid. But that’s all behind me, and I think that knowing now where it likely all stems from, I should these experiences to get to know myself a bit more, and take care of myself. Forgive myself. 

okay now that I've cleared my sinuses with that hearty sob sesh... 🤷🏻‍♀️

[taylortruther]

I am your relationship anon 🥺 also just want to say that I really love an egg mcmuffin lol my sluttiest flex is to be really hungover and order McDonald’s breakfast which is egg McMuffin + TWO hash browns to eat rigorously in bed lol

Food chat aside 🤣 just wanted to tell you to give yourself some time and cut yourself some slack! You should be allowed to mourn the loss of the relationship etc, and if it took you xyz amount of time before actually breaking up is bc you probably needed that extra time to process but also to feel ready to cut ties! Have you heard from your ex at all btw after the breakup? (Hope you don’t mind me asking)

I’m doing fine and better than last time I sent you an ask.. two weeks ago me and my bf had a HUGE fight, probably the biggest we’ve ever had.. it was horrible, ngl, in Taylor’s words “it was war, it wasn’t fair” but I think after that we both realised we can’t continue the way we were. We sat down and really talked, and I told him I need him to ground me when we’re arguing cause I lose track of things and get anxious and start spiralling down which results in me getting angry and screaming at him, and he told me I need to stop threatening to leave every time we fight cause it’s hurtful for him and also I don’t need to get scared I’m gonna lose him every time we argue. We have still fought after that lol but I feel like there’s been an improvement, and we said that our priority is our relationship and we wanna be together. Fuck me this is not even my first long term relationship but definitely the most serious one and sometimes it’s so much HARD WORK, I feel so silly cause I don’t think I realised how much work it actually entails to make it work!

i'm glad you two are on the same page and you are able to communicate how your fighting is escalating! that's pretty huge and i hope helps y'all figure out the next steps. also LMAO about your sluttiest flex.

i have not heard from my ex but lack of communication was kind of their thing so i didn't expect to. and i'm a big believer in a clean break so i don't want to reach out to them either, or get their hopes up for a reconciliation.

you are the second person to tell me to cut myself some slack about my emotions and it's helping me rethink the narrative i tell myself about how in control i am of my feelings. i feel very rational but maybe i AM being too hard on myself, idk. anyway, i appreciate you :*

[letters-to-my-lovely-ex]

all the things i’ve wanted to say

i know i turned your world upside down that you must feel cheated, robbed, and lied to that maybe you wonder if i ever loved you at all or was i only pretending?

what i know is that i loved you with every fiber of me every moment, laugh, hardship, hug, kiss, mistake, and lesson realer than i could have imagined or ever manufactured i gave you my truth and nothing else i simply didn’t know another way

all i ever wanted was to light up your life to redefine what a relationship could look and feel like to help heal your inner child to show you that love is abundant and not scarce to make you feel worthy of love, respect, and happiness because you deserve those things regardless of us

i tried so hard to accept you as you are to write a happy ending for us in my mind i truly and honestly did, my love i gave it my best shot

pushing every day to convince myself that it could work with someone who’s not expressive with their words whose independence surpasses any need for affirmation who sees vulnerability as weakness

thinking that i’d be okay not receiving in the way that i give that maybe i could soften you over time or that maybe i could harden myself into happiness.

fool’s errands, clearly and sad reflections of my hubris which i’ll continue to regret

for better & for worse i am still the same person you fell in love with warts and all

it must feel irreconcilable to accept that the part of me that broke your heart is still a part of me from warm hugs & kisses to cold silence and emptiness i knew what my decision meant, and coming to it shattered my world i’m just so fucking sorry it shattered yours too

in the aftermath of our death i felt that i had to mourn us in silence i wanted to be strong and keep the house from falling apart to act normal for you the same way you needed me to when your dad passed

it felt like disrespect to indulge in my own sadness, loss, and pain i didn’t want to minimize your experience and i wanted to give you space to feel but i see now that my consideration has come across as callousness that my silence must hurt that all along i’ve been guilty of the aloofness i project onto you

well let me put it out there then: i fucking love you and i haven’t stopped loving you for a second i hurt, dissociate, and compartmentalize just like you do i crave your love, your touch, your affection i am utterly and helplessly consumed by thoughts of you afternoons spent crying on the phone or at wi spa, or on the couch obsessively checking if you added anything to your story refreshing your facebook page for absolutely no reason at all trying to feel something, anything scrolling through our pictures and old texts at 3:45am wanting to relive all of our moments and words in an infinite loop i too am in a bad dream i wish to wake from

i haven’t done any real work since november i half ass my meetings and pretend to do shit on the computer when all i’m really doing is toggling between the same three windows hating myself figuring out how to make it to tomorrow thinking about how to reach you, how to do right by you how to apologize to you and make this less horrible for you because i know it’s killing you

i want to turn back time make it so that you never met me i’d wipe your brain’s memories of me if it meant shielding you from this sick, selfish brand of pain i’m the kind of person who sees all love as worth it and i still wouldn’t trade us for anything but my god, this hurts more than i could have ever prepared for

i miss you so much i miss our life together your leg wraps at night our dates, coffees, and trips all of ryar’s idiosyncrasies your laughs and adorable self-talk how amazing you smell that wonderful feeling of knowing you’re just a kiss away in constant awe of how you manage to balance everything in your life

after the year we’ve had, you’ll forever be a part of me i just can’t keep holding on to hoping you’ll change in the ways i need you to i’m sorry i put that weight on your shoulders that i expected you to carry with ease a load you’ve never been handed i just really needed to be loved in the same way that i love i didn’t want to keep resenting you for not understanding something i need my partner to fully understand

i read somewhere recently that how you feel about someone is different from how they make you feel and that cut me deep

to think that my love for you might over time become marred by indignance that i would never be able to compromise my expectations with our reality was a future too sad for me to entertain

===

i hope you know that i loved you in every way i knew how to i adore your beautiful, radiant, complicated, brilliant, shimmering soul so secretly full of life and love i was so proud to call you mine and i hope you were proud that i was yours because i truly was

i gave you my whole heart and never held back i meant every word i ever said to you i know me choosing myself might make you feel differently but what i’ve felt for you has been the realest part of my year

this next chapter is already pulling us in different directions removing us from each other’s lives re-making us strangers for now taking us back to the break room at rose just a minute before i walked in and was told i’d be training you

i know we need to grow apart and take time away to heal these wounds i had to introduce into our life to slowly transform this pain and sadness into understanding and acceptance

i dream of a time where we can hold space for each other again when we grab coffee or a bite in a new city when you catch me up about the amazing things happening in your life and all i’ll feel is happiness that someone i loved with all of me is doing well

[phpruitts]

There's the soothing drag of Rafael's thumb at her spine.

Everything has fallen apart too quickly for Phoebe to process— it feels like she was standing one moment, and then she blinked, and she was staring up from the floor, the shattered remnants of her life surrounding her.

She wanted to: hike the Fire Wave with Raf, bring Achilles along once his stubby little puppy legs could keep up. Take Rafael to Chicago— show him the Bean, of course, take him to Kaufman's for a heaping sandwich and then him show him the library she liked to camp in on the weekends as a younger child. Show him the river she would peer into. They would tour the city, and then she'd introduce him to her Grandfather. Of course he'd love Raf. Phoebe already know he'd find him funny. Maybe they could even go to New York, see his brownstone, the one filled with artifacts and trinkets and fossils from all his travels, the knuckle of a dinosaur, an old Slavic mask from an ancient folklore. Phoebe would tell Raf about how much she loved to just sit on the floor and study all the gleaming curiosities mounted to the wall.

And then there were all the recipes: desserts, cocktails, main dishes, sorted away on her by tested and not. Recipes for date nights, for special events, for days when Phoebe thought Rafael could just use something cozy. Those aromatics from those recipes would never fill his apartment. She'd never plate and present another dessert with a giggle and a flourish. They'd never cuddle over cake and wine again, and Raf would never carry her to bed and kiss her neck as they left their delicate little dessert forks for the next day.

All of that was over. Her life with Rafael was over, and in it's place was a terrifying void that Phoebe could not, and would not, face. It feels ... fucking terrifying. It makes her feel cold all over.

'That’s the one thing,'

A kiss is dropped on Phoebe's head, and she just sobs harder.

That's just the one thing. That's just the one thing he can't give her, the one thing that completes her life.

But graduation: he'd be there, if Phoebe asked. If she wanted to get her master's degree he'd pay for it. Animal shelter, group home, the answer was yes.

And it's so overwhelmingly, upsettingly loving a promise that Phoebe feels her chest cave in.

She sobs harder, louder, shoulders shaking, breaths shallow and rasping and fast, feeling downright hysterical.

It was worse, that Rafael loved her so well. If he was just breaking up with her because he was bored, or no longer wanted to be in a relationship, Phoebe would still be crushed, would still mourn the loss fiercely. But this just hurts more. This just tears her heart in two and then shreds it into a million fine pieces.

He'll do anything, everything but put her in danger. Phoebe imagines seeing Raf, diploma in hand, thinks about the unbearable weight of seeing him in person and not being able to crush him in her arms, kiss him, whisper I love you into his ear. Imagining never seeing him again hurts even more.

So Phoebe just nods. Tries to answer, but can't stop crying.

She's feeling a million things at once— vague anger, that the rest of their lives together is ending now. But Phoebe can't even be truly mad at him. How is Phoebe supposed to feel anger at a man who had just told her all that? How is she supposed to be furious when he was just terrified she was going to end up dead?

"I wish you weren't so selfless," she gasps.

But it's still the worst feeling just the same. Face mushed against his chest, tears wetting the front of his shirt, Phoebe keeps wishing she could rewind to ten minutes ago. To when Rafael walked through the door, and the only thing they were talking about lunch and overly-tedious meetings. Her chest aches to think of it; just ten minutes before. Just let me relive those ten minutes for the rest of my life.

There's the pressure of Rafael's chin atop her; if only she could weld her arms around him and keep him like that forever.

'I’m gonna keep everything in the living room. All the stuff you picked out. It’s gonna stay like this, okay?'

Her chin is wobbling too hard from her sobs to reply, and for a long minute Phoebe just attempts — unsuccessfully — to stop crying.

It really hits her; how little time they've actually had. How desperate she is not to fade from Rafael's life, and vice versa. Her throat seizes.

It's gonna stay like this, Raf promises. All the vases, and the couch and the ottoman and everything both their hands ran over together, chose together as a couple. She's afraid to ask her next question, but Phoebe does anyway.

"...Are you gonna keep the photos of us?"

Rafael didn’t know how he was going to make it through this. It hurt worse than anything had ever hurt before. When Phoebe buried herself against Rafael’s chest, he felt relieved that she couldn’t see the tears that rolled down the side of his face. Rafael wiped at them with the back of his hand, before rubbing at Phoebe’s spine with the other. He held her tight, thinking of all the promises he was breaking. The promise to be with her forever, to give her anything that she ever wanted.

"You said you'd give me whatever I wanted."

“That’s the one thing,” Rafael said, hands rubbing at the back of her neck. “Anything else you want,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “You want me at your graduation? I’ll go. You wanna go back to school, get your master’s? Get another degree? I’ll pay for it.”

It hurt to think about all of these milestones and moments that he was about to miss from her life. Rafael had no doubt that she’d eventually find someone to love and care about her, someone who could keep her safe, but until then — until she wanted him out of her life, forever — the offer would still stand.

“If you want to build an animal shelter in Chicago, or you need a massive donation for a group home… the answer will always be yes.”

Phoebe could quit at everything, live off his money for the rest of her life, and he’d say yes. She could bankrupt him if she wanted to, and he wouldn’t be angry or upset.

Rafael rested his chin on top of her head.

“I’m gonna keep everything in the living room. All the stuff you picked out. It’s gonna stay like this, okay?”

[dbnightingale24]

Menace In Sheets, Menace In the Streets

Andy Barber One Shot

~~

I’m just gonna start this off by saying I’m an asshole. Honestly, relationship wise, I’m happy as hell. So, I don’t know why the fuck I made this. Lol, I’m clearly still working through some trauma. That being said, here ya go! Another fucking novel of angst. Yes, there will be a part 2, but there was no way I was gonna post a 40,000+ story on Tumblr. Sorry, but no no, I’ve gotta stop making these so damn long lol. I was gonna add pictures and a mood board, but it’s so fucking long. Maybe in part 2, if I can control myself. Also, I promise to update and finish my stories soon. I don’t know what my damage is lol. I hope you all enjoy!

Also, fucking SUPPORT SEX WORKERS!!!

Word Count: 38,125 (I’M SORRY)

Warnings: 18+(MINORS DNI),Smut, Sex Worker Reader, Dark(ish) Andy, Sugar Daddy, Daddy Kink, Swearing, Drinking, Unidentified Illness, Loss, Mourning, Coping, Arguing, Open Marriage, Lying (but only a little), Depression, Anxiety, Longing, Regret, Envy, Jealousy, Insecurities, Anger...I think that's it? I’ve been working on this story for almost a month. Be nice to me.

Song(s) That Inspired This Story: I Really Hope You All Like the Playlists I Put Together

Summary: Under the world’s worst circumstances, you find yourself having the one job you swore you’d never have. When you catch the eye of the last person you ever thought would be interested in you, do you take the offer or run for the hills?

I do not give consent for my posts/stories/works to get posted elsewhere. 

~~

You never wanted to work at a Gentleman’s Club. You saw all the hell your best friend went through and told yourself you’d never do it. You told yourself that there was nothing in life that would make you resort to something you despised so much. It’s not that you looked down on the women that worked there. You despised the men.

They all reminded you of your father.

They were older or, at least, old enough; they were usually cheating on their significant others, they were handsy, disrespectful, and they were assholes. Your best friend, Mary, had told you a handful of times how horrible the men at those clubs were. Especially when you slept with them. They treated you like trash and half the time, when all was said and done, they’d just throw the money at you. Which made sense to you; men only respect sex workers until they’ve gotten what they need.

So, you promised yourself that you’d never even consider doing something like that, because you refused to ever let men think they had something over you. You refused to be the crack in someone’s happy marriage. Someone’s happy life.

It’s funny how life has a way of making you eat your own words.

“Your favorite table is asking for you,” Lindsey smiles at you sympathetically.

“Is it Tuesday already?” you groan, looking over at the table full of lawyers eyeing you like starving jackals.

“Hey, they know the rules. They can’t touch you. If they do, they know Samantha won’t allow them back, and they’d rather die than have that.”

“You say that but-”

“But nothing. I know how worthless they can make you feel, even without you taking your clothes off, but do your best to remember that they can’t and won’t do anything to you.”

“I just don’t know why they won’t leave me alone,” you scowl.

“The same reason no other man in this place will leave you alone; they know you’re a virgin.”

“Yeah, why Samantha needed to let them know-”

“Because she’s a cunt who cares about money,” Lindsey snaps as she cleans out a glass before filling it halfway with Jameson.

“Linds,” Allison calls as she makes her way downstairs “Tim is asking for you.”

“For fucks sake, is he alone?” she sighs as she lets her hair down.

“For now,” Allison responds sympathetically.

“Love that for me,” she mutters as puts the last drink on your tray. “Remember, they don’t have any power over you unless you give it to them,” she smiles weakly towards you before walking away and making her way upstairs.

“She’s not wrong,” Lindsey echos softly.

“She isn’t, but still,” you sigh before grabbing the tray and slowly making your way over to the table you dread most.

“Our favorite little cherry,” one of the lawyers smirks and it makes your skin crawl. “How come you’re never as excited to see us as we are to see you?” he questions, feigning hurt.

“Well, you’re always catching me towards the end of my shift-”

“We could make the end of your shift better for you if you’d just let us take you upstairs,” one of the other lawyers smirks suggestively.

“Then what reason would you have to come and see me?” you smile sarcastically.

“Oh, if anything, it’ll give us more reasons to come and see you,”another one chuckles.

“Sorry boys, tonight isn’t your lucky night. Whose card is all of this going on and do you wanna leave it open?” you smile the best you can, feeling extremely uncomfortable as all of them ogle you.

“Mr. Barber here is the big spender of the night,” the first man laughs.

Andy Barber.

The gorgeous, pompous, smug bastard. He came at least three times a week, and you were always his main focus. He liked to look you up and down as you served drinks, served other tables, and cleaned them off. He always had a dirty little smirk tugging at his lips, and tonight is no different.

“Here ya go, Darlin’,” he smiles at you, making you lean across the table so he can get a better view of your cleavage as you grab his card. “Keep it open,” he chuckles.

“Will do,” you mutter, practically snatching it from him.

You hate him. You hate all of them.

However, the tips are generous and money is something you’re in desperate need of at the moment.

What can you do?

As the night wears on, the drunker they get. Some of them disappear upstairs with the other girls, while others stay and let you know just how much they want to take you upstairs. None of them are shy about showing you the tents you give them.

Except Andy.

He’s quiet as he watches you, amusement in his eyes as you do your best to hide just how disgusted you truly are and how much you hate being there.

“It’s last call,” you tell them, finally showing some sign of happiness as the night comes to an end. “Would you like another round or do you wanna close out?”

“I think it’s best we close out. What do ya say, Tyler?” Andy questions the almost passed out man.

“Oh, you’re no fun, Barber,” the man drunkenly mumbles, barely able to stay upright.

“Let me grab the check for you,” you mutter, rolling your eyes.

When Allison hands you the bill, you scoff in disgust.

$512.74.

The fact that these men spend all this money, weekly, only ever adds to your disgust. Plus, what do their wives say? Do they even notice? There’s no way they can’t notice. All of these questions and more run through your head as you make your way over to the table, Andy already ready for you with his pen in hand.

“When are you gonna let me fuck that perfect little cunt?” Tyler drunkenly asks you as Andy snickers, signing off on the bill. “Someone as gorgeous as you? No way you’re really a virgin.”

“It’s time for you all to leave,” you huff, telling yourself that you only have to keep your cool for another 15 minutes.

“Leave our little Cherry alone,” Andy quips, putting on his suit jacket.

“Whatever, as much of a prude as she is, there’s no way she isn’t a virgin. That or shes never been fucked by a real man,” Tyler smiles menacingly.

“You guys get home safe,” you mutter as Andy helps Tyler up.

“You too, Darlin’,” Andy winks at you before he and Tyler make their way to the door, meeting up with the rest of their asshole lawyer buddies.

You roll your eyes as you grab the receipt and check to see if he left you a tip.

$450.00

You shake your head and roll your eyes, but none the less can’t fight the extremely small amount of gratitude you feel towards him. As much of a dickhead as he is, Andy always tips well.

And every little bit helps.

By the time the club is cleaned up and set up for tomorrow, it’s almost 3am and you’re more than ready to go home.

“Y/N, I need to speak with you, it’s important,” your boss calls as you put your jacket on.

“Samantha, it’s really late. You know I have to get home,” you sigh, fishing out your car keys. “Can it wait until tomorrow?”

“Come in early tomorrow,” she states firmly, but you can tell she feels bad about something.

Now what?

“Will do,” you agree with a nod before dashing out.

You practically speed home, hoping that you get there in time. When you pull up, you sigh in relief at the site of the home nurse just leaving.

“I’m so so sorry,” you offer sympathetically, running to meet her at the steps.

“Please don’t be, I’m sorry. I’d stay longer but-”

“No, oh God no! Please don’t worry! Tonight was inventory and deep clean and I couldn’t get out of it,” you grumble, letting your hair down and running a flustered hand through it. “How was she tonight?”

“As good as she’s gonna be,” the nurse offers sympathetically. “Y/N, you have to start preparing-”

“No, things could turn around,” you quickly interrupt, fighting back tears.

“You know what the doctors said.”

“Still...miracles happen all the time,” you smile weakly.

The nurse just nods and gives you a sympathetic smile. “She’s asleep. She was able to keep her food down today and she was pretty lucid. It was a good day.”

“Good...that’s good,” you sniffle before clearing your throat. “You should get home. Once again, I’m so sorry it’s so late, I’ll do better tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry about it. Get some rest,” she offers kindly before walking down the steps and making her way to her car.

You’re quick to get inside and change into your nightclothes, before brushing your teeth then making your way back downstairs and into the little makeshift hospice room.

“Is that you, Sweet Pea?” your mother calls softly.

“Hey mommy, it’s me. You should be asleep.”

“I can never sleep comfortably until you’re home,” she smiles softly, looking up at you. “How was your shift at the grocery store?”

“Good. Slow. Why we have a 24 hour grocery store, I don’t know. I’m grateful for it though. The pay is good.”

“They’re lucky to have you,” she smiles before she starts coughing, a few droplets of blood coming out.

“Mommy, you need your rest so you can build up your strength,” you quip, quickly pouring her some water and handing it to her.

“Sweet Pea,” she starts after catching her breath “you know I’m not-”

“It’s late,” you quickly cut her off. “It’s late and we both need rest. I love you,” you smile weakly before kissing her forehead then settling in the chair by her bed.

“I love you,” she responds weakly, and you know she’s worried about you.

As you start drifting off to sleep, you try to think of anything to keep her around just a little bit longer. If you’re doing the devil’s work just to keep up with her medical bills, there’s gotta be something out there in this big wide universe that’s gonna help you out...right?

Andy’s P.O.V

“You were out late last night,” Laurie mutters as I make my way into our bedroom, picking out a tie for the day.

“You have your life and I have mine. Isn’t that what we agreed to? What you wanted?” I scoff, annoyed with having to deal with the third degree again.

“I know what I said, Andy,” she snaps “I just didn’t think you’d spend half the week staying out late as all hell.”

“Yeah well, you have your fun and I have my fun. I don’t say anything to you when you spend all night out, and I have to hear about it, do I? You cheated, you said you wanted an open marriage, and you said you wanted a divorce when he graduates. From what I can tell, you’re getting everything you want,” I smile mischievously at her.

God, I love seeing just how much she hates living with the choices shes made.

“I didn’t think I’d barely see you. The only time I see you is dinner and when we’re taking Jacob out.”

“That’s what you wanted!” I snap, finally hitting my boiling point with her.

“I know, Andy! I just-”

“Then shut up and drop it!”

It’s not like I mean to lose my temper with her, but I’m also done keeping my cool. During Jacob’s trial, she gave up on us, not me. She got caught cheating, not me. She stopped believing in Jacob, not me. She demanded an open marriage and now bitches about it every week. Why the hell should I have to play nice? Why the hell should I care that she’s upset?

She didn’t give a fuck when I was.

“You two fighting again?” Jacob asks lazily as I make my way into the kitchen.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about, bud. Did you study for that exam?”

“Yeah, but mom didn’t wanna review any of it with me.”

“She didn’t want to or you didn’t want to ask her?”

“She didn’t want to. I asked her while she was watching some Hallmark movie and she said it wasn’t a good time. I asked her again an hour later, after her third glass of wine, and she told me to ask you when you got home.”

“She knows I work late,” I mutter, irritation over childish behavior showing itself. “Well, just go over the notes at school, I’m sure you’re gonna do great. You coming home for dinner?”

“No, because you won’t be home and having dinner alone with her sucks. Sarah’s parents have been inviting me over a lot anyway, so I figured I’ll just hangout there we’ll go to a party at Sam’s.”

“Whoa, when did you tell me about a party?”

“I didn’t think you’d mind since you’re always working and mom likes to pretend we don’t exist.”

“Be that as it may,” I bite, swallowing the pain I feel at how out of control all of this is getting, “you don’t make choices like that without asking us first. Who’s gonna be at this party?”

“Dad, I’m not 10 years old. I know how to-”

“That’s not the point here, bud. I know you’re almost out of the house and off to college, but for the time being, you’re still a child and living in this house. Now, who’s gonna be at this party?”

“I don’t know, half the class,” he sighs, frustrated with me. Probably frustrated with everything.

It’s not like I can blame him.

“Any drinking? Drugs?”

“Probably,” he shrugs.

“Jacob-”

“I know better, dad. Plus, I’m not gonna do anything that would put Sarah at risk. Not after everything we’ve been through,” he sighs heavily.

“I want you home no later than 12,” I contend, the guilt becoming too much.

“It’s a Friday!”

“12:30 Jacob. I mean it. I don’t want you sleeping all day tomorrow. We’re going fishing in the morning and I’m not about to spend 20 minutes dragging your ass outta bed.”

“Fine, fine,” he scoffs sheepishly. “I gotta go.”

“Have a good day, buddy,” I smile, wrapping him in a hug. God, I’m gonna miss this little shit when he goes off to school. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Dad,” he smiles, giving me a halfhearted hug, before letting go and making his way out. “I love you, mom,” he says as he meets her at the landing.

“I love you too, Sweetie. Have a great day at school,” she smiles, wrapping him in a tight hug.

I genuinely wonder how much she means that.

With one final nod and wave, he’s off and out the door.

“You told him he could go to that party?” Laurie scowls.

“He’s responsible and he works hard. He deserves a night out.”

“You would know.”

“Why didn’t you help him study with his exam?”

“If you would’ve been home early enough, you would’ve been able to. Maybe if you stopped spending so much time with all of your little whores-”

“What I do in my spare time is none of your fucking concern. When our son is home and asking for help, your first thought shouldn’t be to fuck me over,” I bite before grabbing my briefcase.

“You used to not be such a dick.”

“Yeah well, you used to love me. Shit changes,” I shrug as I make my way out.

“Are you gonna be home for dinner tonight?”

“No,” I call over my shoulder, continuing my way out. “Maybe you should call up one of your boyfriends and fuck him in our bed again. I won’t catch you this time.”

**

“You don’t need to spend so many hours working,” your mother sighs as you bring her lunch. “I have some money-”

“Mom please,” you sigh with a soft smile. “You’ve worked hard your whole life to take care of me and Viv, let me work hard and take care of you.”

“How is your sister?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” you huff.

“Sweet Pea, I’d really like for you two to work things out before I-”

“She deserted us, Ma. Just like dad did. She blames you and...no. If she wants to make things right with me, she can start by making them right with you.”

“She can help with-”

“We don’t need her help. We’ve been on time with all of the bills and we’re getting by.”

“Y/N, your father called last night while you work at work,” she tells you softly and that has you freezing in place on the chair by her bed. “He said he’s been trying to speak to you for the last few months and you haven’t been responding.”

“I have nothing to say to him.”

“Sweet Pea, I’m not gonna be around much-”

“Mom-”

“No, you’re gonna listen to me!” she snaps. “I know that you’re not ready to accept it and I’m not ready to leave you, but the fact of the matter is that I’m dying. In a few months, it’s just gonna be you and I don’t want you to be alone. I know you have Mary, and she’s practically your sister, but she isn’t blood. If they’re trying to make things right with you...” she starts to cry.

“Hey,” you call softly, fighting back your own tears as you gently get in next to her “I’m gonna be alright. You raised me...I’ll be alright.”

“I’m so sorry,” she sobs into your shoulder.

“None of this is your fault. Not him cheating, not him leaving, not Vivian taking his side, and not you getting sick. You have nothing to be sorry for. You did the best you could and this...this is where we’re at,” you sob, quickly wiping away your own tears. “Besides, maybe-”

“They’re no miracles coming our way, baby. I just want to enjoy these last few months with you the best I can, and I want you to forgive the people who love you before I’m gone.”

“Lets talk about something else for a while, okay?” you smile weakly, you both laying back. “Literally anything else.”

“Have you met anyone special yet?” she chuckles, wiping away her tears and you can’t help but throw your back out and let out a full bodied laugh.

“No, no, no I have not.”

“You are the pickiest person I’ve ever known.”

“I’m not picky,” you quickly defend with a smile “I just refuse to settle. Every guy that approaches me is a tool. Just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean they deserve my attention.”

“Oh, I’ve set a horrible example for you,” she chuckles softly, shaking her head.

“You’ve done nothing of the sort,” you smile before kissing the top of her head. “Nothing of the sort.”

You two spend the rest of your time together watching soap operas and taking Buzzfeed quizzes, before you force yourself to get ready for work.

“What do you wanna do this weekend?” you ask your mother as the nurse sets herself up.

“Go for a hike,” she smirks at you.

“A true smart ass.”

“Maybe we can have your sister over for lunch.”

“I’ll take hell no for $300.”

“Y/N.”

“Maybe,” you sigh as you make your way over to her and kiss her on the cheek. “I love you and I’ll try not to wake you when I get in.”

“Tell those grocery store not to keep you so late tonight.”

“I promise I won’t let them,” you smile.

You thank her nurse, Gloria , for agreeing to come early before rushing out and quickly making your way to work. The tone and look on Samantha’s face last night had you riddled with anxiety, because whatever she was going to tell you wasn’t going to be good. When you reach the club, you don’t even bother to change, you just go straight to her office. The looks you’re getting from the girls around you only make your anxiety worse.

What the fuck is about to happen.

“You didn’t even bother to change?” Samantha scoffs as you make your way into her office.

“My mother thinks I work at a grocery store and I have severe anxiety. I can change after we talk,” you state flatly as you take a seat in front of her desk.

She takes a deep breath and you feel as if you’re going to throw up. “Now, Y/N, I don’t want you to freak out-”

“Sam, please just tell me.”

“You’re gonna be Andy’s girl...Andy’s girl alone.”

“Andy who? Andy Barber?! No...no. NO!”

“Just calm down,” she tries to reason. “He’s not gonna do anything to you-”

“Bullshit! He has a reputation around here for a reason! I’m not about to be one of his playthings! I refuse!”

“If you don’t do it, I have to fire you.”

“Sam, I’m a damn good worker and I bring in a lot of money!”

“My hands are tied on this,” she sighs sympathetically.

“It’s your club!”

“It’s complicated,” is all she responds with.

You’re quiet, accepting your fate with as much dignity as you can. “He’s gonna be here tonight?”

“Yes and you’re to go straight to his room, 793.”

“Where he can do-”

“Y/N, I promise you. He’s not going to do anything to you that you don’t allow. I didn’t tell him your situation, but I did tell him that you’ve got your own reasons to work here. You reason for not going off with guys is your own and he’s going to respect that.”

“Sure he is,” you scoff. “Well, I guess I better start getting ready.”

“Y/N, I’m truly sorry about this,” she tells you sincerely.

“Yeah, me too.”

As you change in the bathroom, you barely get into your skirt before you burst out into tears. Why had you talked yourself into taking this job? Why didn’t you just keep working 3 jobs? Wasn’t that better than this? Wasn’t it better to suffer the exhaustion than to suffer with the weight of this?

‘You have more time with your mother this way, and more money to help with things she needs,’ you kept telling yourself over and over again.

“Sweetie, it’s not gonna be that bad,” Lindsey tries to calm you through the door.

“Mary warned me about Andy!”

“If there’s anyone who should warn you, it should be Mary,” she sighs “but he’s not gonna force himself on you. If you tell him to stop, he will!”

“I want nothing to do with him!”

“Just don’t fall for his bullshit, that’s all. He likes to build girls up and takes joy out of breaking hearts. You’re smarter than that. Smarter than him.”

“I fucking hate this.”

“I know you do, babe. I know,” she sighs opening the door and wrapping you in a hug “but it’s gonna be okay. Just keep your head on straight and you’ll be okay.”

You can’t stop your shaking, so Lindsey finishes does your makeup for you. You put your hair up in a high bun and take a deep breath.

“Hun, if Samantha says she told him not to do anything to you, then she did. She may be a roaring bitch, but she is very strict about keeping us safe.”

“I just need to keep reminding myself how much I need this job.”

“How’s she doing?”

“Dying,” you scoff humorlessly. “This day fucking sucks, I swear to God.”

“Well, isn’t Mary coming home for the weekend? We can go out! You, me, Allison, and Mary!”

“Don’t you and Allison have work tomorrow? I don’t wanna get either of you in trouble. Plus, I can’t afford for my mother-”

“One night won’t kill Samantha. She can give our shifts to Madison and Jillian, since they’re bitching so much about lack of shifts.”

“If Jillian and Madison find out they’re covering shifts so you two can hangout with me, they’re gonna hate me even more.”

“Who gives a fuck? Both of them are the worst kind of scum. Allison and I will take off and we’ll all go out on Saturday.”

“There’s still my mother-”

“We’ll scrape up some coins and pay for it.”

“Lindsey no. I can’t ask-”

“You’re not asking me anything. I’m offering and I know Allison will be more than happy to help. Besides, its been forever since we all got to hangout with each other.”

“Linds...are you sure?”

“Yes, now lets go out there and get this night over with as quickly as we can,” she encourages, pulling you out of the bathroom.

“I don’t want to!” you groan, slowly following her lead.

“I’ll tell you one thing, he’s gonna have a hard time not wanting to touch you,” she smirks.

“LINDS!”

“I’m sorry,” she laughs “I couldn’t resist!”

“I’m finding you both in a better mood than I thought you’d in,” Allison smiles as she meets you two at the bar.

“You missed all the tears and stress,” Lindsey smiled sarcastically.

“I mean, not be a bitch, but I’m happy I did. I probably would have screamed at Samantha,” Allison scowls.

“None of that because we’re asking Samantha for tomorrow off so we can hangout with babycakes and Mary tomorrow.”

“Yes! I’ll be on my best behavior tonight!”

“We’re also gonna put together some money for someone to watch her mom while we’re out tomorrow.”

“Sounds good to me,” Allison beams.

“You two are too good to me,” you smile before wrapping them both in a tight hug.

Lindsey and Allison do their best to keep your mind occupied until Samantha announces that the club is open for the night.

“Just take a deep breath, you’ve got this,” Allison reassures the best she can before making her way over to the bar.

“Remember what I told you,” Lindsey smiles, following suit as she lets her hair down. “Keep your head on straight, no matter what, and you’ll be fine,” she promises before walking off.

You aren’t sure whether you’re supposed to be serving tables or not, but you figure it best to look busy instead of waiting for Andy to saunter in. Besides, keeping busy, helps your mind stay busy. However, you don’t even have a chance to start taking orders before Marisol lets you know that Andy’s in his room and waiting for you.

You make your way over to the bar, asking for a tray with a glass and a bottle of Old Rip Van Winkle. Allison gives you a weak but reassuring smile and all you can offer is a small nod before grabbing the tray and making your way upstairs.

‘Your mother is worth all of this. This job helps you take care of her the best you can,’ you repeat to yourself as you get on the elevator and make your way up to the floor he’s on. When you finally reach the floor you slowly make your way down the hall to room 793.

‘Of course he gets the suite,’ you think to yourself as you knock on the door. ‘You’ve gone through worse, you can do this,’ you tell yourself.

“Didn’t think you’d get here so quick,” Andy smirks as he opens the door and steps aside for you to make your way in.

“Wasn’t much of a trip,” you mumble as you make your way inside and look around.

You’ve never been in any of the rooms and aren’t sure what to expect, but you don’t find yourself being all that surprised by the crimson color walls and sexual paintings hanging up. The black satin pillows on the crimson red sofa do nothing to heighten your experience.

In a sense: everything is just how you expect it to be.

“There’s only one glass here, why?” Andy questions, opening the bottle of bourbon and pouring a glass.

“I can’t drink.”

“Are you underage?”

“No, I’m working.”

“Hmm, you are, aren’t you?” he chuckles softly before going into the tiny kitchen area and grabbing himself a glass. “You work for me now, don’t you?”

“Haven’t I always?”

“Now, you only work for me...we’ll just keep it under the guise of you still working for this little club,” he smirks as he pours you a drink. “However, Samantha told me I’m not to do anything to you that you don’t want or ask for. I’ll respect that,” he agrees as he hands you the glass.

“Gee, thanks,” you mutter, taking the glass from him and looking at it.

Did you really want to have a drink with Andy Barber?

“You are going to have to adapt to your schedule-”

“No,” you stated firmly, meeting his heated gaze.

“No?”

“No, you’re going to have to adjust yours. If you want me to be your girl, and yours alone, then you’re going to have to meet my needs,” you finish, taking a sip of your drink, hoping to keep your resolve as you feel it start to chip away.

You really can’t afford to lose this job.

Andy chuckles before looking you over. “You really are a pistol aren’t you?”

“You’ve forced me into a corner and I don’t like it.”

“What corner? I always tip you well, I keep my hands to myself, and I keep my comments to myself.”

“The corner of making me choose this or my job.”

“Oh Sweetheart, that’s Samantha’s doing. Sure, I keep her out of trouble, but if she’d run a cleaner operation, she wouldn’t have to worry about me covering up anything, now would she?”

“Whatever business you two have doesn’t concern me. I can only look out for myself and that’s what I intend to do.”

“And if I don’t agree?”

“Then I guess I’m out of a job,” you shrug, secretly hoping he won’t accept your terms and conditions.

Andy looks you over before he speaks. “Take your shirt and bra off.”

“Excuse me?”

“What part has you confused?”

“I thought you said-”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t going to touch or look at you. Now, I told you to take your shirt and bra off,” he smirks at you. “I need to make sure I’m getting my money’s worth. While you’re at it, let your hair down. I wanna see as much of you as I can.”

You take a deep breath, reminding yourself how much need this job, before slowly removing the extremely tight uniform top followed by your bra. When you take him take a deep breath, your toes curl as you let your hair down.

Just because you’re repulsed by the man, doesn’t mean you’re not happy at the fact he finds you attractive. You have standards but that doesn’t make you an idiot.

“Fuck, I’m tempted to tell you take that skirt off, but I don’t think I’ll be able to follow the rules if I do,” he groans as adjusts himself on the sofa. “Spin for me.”

You quietly do as your told, closing your eyes and praying that by some miracle, the clock has sprung forward by 6 hours and you can go home.

“Jesus, why can’t you adjust your schedule? What’s so important that-”

“It doesn’t matter why I can’t. I just can’t. Yes, it is that important and no, I won’t budge. I’m not an idiot, Mr. Barber. I know just how much money I stand to lose if I don’t make you happy, but they’re certain things I just won’t negotiate on.”

“It’s always about money with you girls,” he chuckles, taking a sip of your drink.

“& it’s always about sex with you boys,” you bite back, losing your temper.

It’s not like you mean to lose your patience, but it’s not as if he knows anything about you. What right does he have to question you and your reasons for doing what you do?

“You want your weekends off and Mondays, right? So, I can’t fuck you, can’t see you on weekends, and I don’t get to ask about your personal life. Any other rules you need me to follow for this to be mutually enjoyable?” he questions with a cocked eyebrow, his eyes still glued to you.

“You don’t get to make any bold statements or assumptions about me. You don’t know me and you don’t know why I do this. Despite all of the feelings you may have towards the other women who work here, who are all more than worthy of respect by the way, you don’t know the first thing about me.”

“You work at a Gentleman’s Club and think I don’t know all there is to know about you?”

“You pay women for sex and frequent said Gentleman’s Club, so you really think you’re in a position to throw stones?” you question, crossing your arms.

Andy’s thoughtful before he speaks. “That’s fair and a good point. Fine, no witty remarks or judgment on my end. Anything else?”

You’re thoughtful as you try to make sure you’ve covered all your bases. “I don’t think-”

“Need you to know for sure, Sweetheart.”

“No,” you quickly snap, not liking how dumb and inexperienced he makes you feel.

You should’ve taken more time to think on it.

“Good. Now, these are my rules and you will follow them,” he warns as he sets his drink down. “You’re not to serve any other guy, besides me. I don’t even want you helping the other girls out with orders. When you get here, I want you topless and waiting for me. I want a glass of bourbon ready for the both of us when I get here, because I want you drinking. I don’t want you drunk, I just want you loose. We’re not gonna get anywhere if you’re always so fucking uptight. Also, what we do stays between us. I have a kid at home and I don’t need him going through anymore hell than he already has.

When we’re together, your focus is on me and no one and nothing else. If you start seeing someone outside of work, you’re telling me. I don’t like sharing my things and that doesn’t change because of what we do here. How much do you make in tips a week?”

“$8,000,” you blurt out without even think about it.

“Of course you do,” he chuckles. “Pretty little thing like you...$10,000 a week it is. Bonus if you’re good for me.”

“10...Andy-”

“Trust me, I can afford it,” he chuckles at your confused state.

“Andy, I collectively make $8,000. It’s not just...you don’t have to...”

“If I want you to make it worth my while, I need to have something to offer, don’t I? Especially since we’re not fucking...yet,” he smirks. “So, whatever you’re being paid by Samantha and me giving you $10,000 a week...that’s a decent setup, isn’t it?”

“Y...yes,” you stutter, still trying to come to terms with your new reality.

“I expect you to be on time daily. If you’re going to be late, you let me know; not Samantha. If you’re going to be late, you tell me. However, unless you’re dying, I don’t expect you to miss a day.”

“What if I’m sick?”

“Let me know in advance and we’ll work around it.”

“Andy...what do you...why do you want me?”

“Because you hate me,” he shrugs as if it’s the most simple thing in the world. “The fact that you despise me makes me want you. It’s fun and it keeps everything exciting. You’ve only been here a few months and you’ve made it a point to avoid me as much as possible, so why wouldn’t I want you? Why wouldn’t I want to make the playing field as uneven as possible? That makes it all that much more fun for me.”

“Yeah but...”

“But what?”

“It’s not like I’m the only one here who despises you. Most of the women here despise all the men who come here.”

“You’re gorgeous and, if I’m honest, the fact that you’re a virgin turns me on. How old are you?”

“25.”

“You’re 25 and still a virgin? Bullshit,” he laughs before pouring himself another drink.

“I’ve done some things,” you mutter, feeling small “I just haven’t done it.”

“What have you done?”

“A few hand jobs, making out, I’ve been fingered, and I’ve let a few guys down on me,” you sigh before downing the rest of your drink.

All of a sudden, you feel very stupid and very out of place.

“So basically, you’re a virgin,” he chuckles as he beckons you over.

“Isn’t that the draw of me?” you ask, holding out your glass as he fills it.

“One of the many,” he smirks as he looks you over. “You’re allowed to ask me three questions about my personal life, then we agree on this.”

“Three?”

“After we shake on this, it’s an agreement. After we shake, you have your boundaries and I have mine.”

“What does your wife think? Does she even know?” you ask without thinking, taking a sip of your drink.

“I’ll count that as one question,” he smirks. “She knows. We have an open marriage, so she does what she wants and I do what I want. Weekdays are her days to play and weekends are my time...well, up until now, which I’m sure she’ll be happy about.”

“You don’t ever-”

“Careful, you only have two questions left,” he warns as he takes a sip of his drink.

You’re thoughtful, keeping in mind that your window into his soul is limited. “What do you get out of this? You know what the women in this place think, thanks to me, so why? Why go through the cycle if you already know the ending?”

“Lets just say...it counts as my therapy,” he laughs humorlessly. “I’m working through some shit and all of this...it helps. Maybe one day I’ll be right in the head again, but until then, this is all I have. Last question?”

“Why did you break Mary’s heart?”

That caught him off guard. “You know Mary?”

“I’ve known her since I was 5. She told me about this place.”

“Doesn’t seem like a very good friend if you ask me.”

“Well I didn’t,” you defend, not liking his tone “I asked you why you broke her heart.”

“Ask another question.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No,” you respond, raising your eyebrow this time before taking a sip of your drink.

“What did she tell you?”

“That she told you she loved you and you abused that love.”

“Only as much as she abused mine,” he shrugs, a cynical look coming to his eyes. “I’m fine with the world hating me. I’m a lawyer, most people hate me. However, I don’t start doing any of this shit without letting you girls know how it’s gonna be. I told her that I’m in an open marriage, I told her that I’m not looking to fall in love, and I told her that I just want to have fun. She said she was fine with that and understood it,” he sighs before taking a large sip of his bourbon. “ She said she was fine with it and wasn’t looking for anything besides a hefty tip to get her through school. We had an understanding.”

“Then?”

“She caught feelings. We caught feelings. No, I never loved her, but I did like her. I liked her a lot, but I never made her my regular. She didn’t like that. I fucked up by buying her jewelry and shit, and letting her entertain the idea of her and I being something more one day, even though that was never my intention. Mary is too...she’s not for me. So, when she asked me when I’d stop sleeping with the other girls, I told her I didn’t know. She asked me if I thought she was enough and I told her no. So, she in turn, started to hate me and I don’t blame her. It’s not like I didn’t deserve it but, in my defense, I never promised her anything. She knew what this was from the beginning.”

“Then why-”

“Three questions, Sweetheart. That was the deal,” he quickly interrupts, letting you know that he’s more than done with the conversation as he stands up. “Do we have an understanding or not?”

You look at his hand and contemplate all of the possible futures you could have. However, none of them seem as bad as not being able to have more time with your mother. “We have a deal,” you agree solemnly as you shake his hand.

“Oh, Sweetheart, I promise I’ll make this as fun as you let me,” he laughs as he breaks out your grip and starts to undo his pants.

“You said-”

“I said I wouldn’t do anything to you, I never said I wouldn’t tell you to do anything to me,” he advises as he takes himself out his pants.

“I’ve never...I don’t know how...” you start as you look at his size.

What the hell did you just get yourself into?

“I’ve got all night to teach you,” he coaxes; his smile sinister.

You finish off your drink before slowly sinking to your knees. ‘Might as well get this over with,’ you think to yourself as you open your mouth wide for him.

“Fuck, if only you could see you fucking good you look for me right now,” he chuckles before pulling his phone out and taking a few pictures. “You look like a fucking angel.”

You ignore the excitement his praise makes you feel as you start to stroke him. You lick his tip softly a few times, gaining a few low groans from Andy, before taking him into your mouth just a little.

“That’s right, Sweetheart, take your time,” he husks guiding you slowly.

Little by little you take him into your mouth until you can’t anymore.

“That’s a good girl,” he groans before throwing his phone down and starting to guide you on his cock. “you take me so well, baby.”

You can’t help but close your eyes as your own pleasure starts to build. You’re not sure if it’s because you’re pleasing him or if it’s because he’s controlling you, but the more you try and fight it, the more excited you become.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk,” he taunts as he grips your face with his free hand “eyes on Daddy.”

The muffled moan that escapes you makes him chuckle.

“So that’s what my good girl likes? You like being good for me?” he smirks down at you.

All you can do is look up at him nod, your cheeks feeling hot from embarrassment.

“Then be a good girl for me and make me cum,” he demands, his grip on your hair getting tighter as you pick up your pace. “God, you’re such a good little cock slut, baby,” he moans.

You clench your thighs together as much as possible, trying to fight off your own release, and you can see the idea forming in his eyes before he even says anything.

“Get up, baby,” he breathes, letting go of your hair. You eye him warily as you release him and slowly stand up. “Get on the bed.”

“Andy-”

“What did you call me?”

“Daddy,” you quickly correct, slightly tempted to test those waters. “W...why do you...?”

“Don’t worry, Sweetheart. Daddy’s not gonna touch you,” he coos gently as he makes his way over to you. “You’re gonna touch yourself,” he whispers hotly against your ear.

The mortification you feel at your arousal is apparent as your body shudders at just the thought of what he wants.

“Don’t get shy on me now, Darlin’,” he chuckles. “You need the release, I can see it and I wanna watch you fall apart, unless you want me to do it for you,” he taunts as his fingers trace the outline of your body.

“Fuck,” you moan before slowly making your way over to the bed.

You take a deep breath as you make your way over to the bed, climbing onto it before crawling to the center and laying on your back.

‘Of course this creative fucker thinks of a way to get me on this bed,’ you think as you slowly lift up your skirt a little.

“Take it off,” he demands softly, stroking himself while he gaze on you is intense.

You bite your bottom lip as you quietly obey, trying to force yourself to be in the moment. You’ve never done anything like this, and you never imagined your first heavy sexual encounter to be like this. However, it wasn’t about you and your comfort. There was something much more important a stake, and you weren’t about to fuck it up because you were uncomfortable and unhappy.

However, at the moment, you’re not sure if you’re unhappy with the current situation you’re in...or if you’re unhappy with how turned on you are by it.

“Fuck,” you sigh softly, sliding your hand down into your panties and playing with your clit. “Shit!”

“God, you’re so fucking sexy,” he grunts as he picks up his pace.

“Daddy,” you whimper, starting to massage your left nipple with your free hand. “Feels so fucking good!”

“I wanna taste that fucking pussy so bad, let me see it,” he groans, his voice strained, and you can tell he’s close.

“How bad do you wanna see my cunt?”

“So fucking bad, baby. Thought about that perfect little pussy so much.”

“Then beg,” you demand with a gasp as you start to fuck yourself.

“Shit, please. Please baby, I need to fucking see it. Fuck, I’ve thought about it so much.”

“Yeah? Did you fucking jerk off to thought of eating me out?”

“You have no fucking idea how much,” he pathetically whimpers as he slowly makes his way over to the bed. “C’mon, be a good girl for Daddy and let me see that perfect little soaked pussy,” he begs.

“Fuck,” you moan, removing your hand and tasting yourself on your fingers before slowly removing your panties.

“Jesus Christ,” he pants, stopping at the foot of the bed. “Every part of you is fucking beautiful. You’re so fucking perfect.”

“You think so, Daddy?”

“Fuck yeah,” he groans as his movements starting to come quicker, as if he’s desperate for release. “Fuck, get over here, Sweetheart. Need to finish off in that filthy little mouth,” he demands weakly.

You quickly get on your knees and make your way to edge of the bed, never breaking eye contact as you open your mouth for him.

“Fuck, keep fucking yourself, I want you to cum for me, Sweetheart. I need you to,” he breathes heavily. He watches as one of your hands makes its way between your legs, and the silent whimper is all he needs. “Shit!” he shouts, shooting his load into your mouth.

It’s more than enough to send you over the edge into your own euphoric trance, as your force yourself to stay up right and steady. You keep your eyes on him as he continues to jerk off into your mouth, groaning satisfaction when the last bit of his hot seed touches your tongue.

“Don’t swallow just yet, Darlin,” he pants with s smirk, before fishing for his cell phone.

You can’t imagine how fucked out you look, and you don’t want to think about it, as he takes a picture of you. When he spits into your mouth, you expect to find yourself disgusted, but you only find yourself ready to do more to please him to your dismay.

‘When did you become this person?’ you think to yourself as look up at him and await his next command.

“Fuck, I wasn’t expecting you to be like this at all,” he chuckles before taking one more picture. “Swallow.”

You do as your told and keep your eyes on him, reluctantly finding yourself loving how much control you may have in the situation.

“Oh Sweetheart, you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together,” he smirks mischievously.

Over the next few hours, Andy is creative in the ways he makes you bring yourself off for his amusement. Loving how submissive you are but also relishing in how dominant you can be at times. He takes his time learning what you actually like and what you’ll do just to make him happy.

Always leaning more towards what you actually like.

By the time the night is through, your throat is sore, your body is tired, and you’re exhausted,

“I expect you to be on time, Tuesday,” Andy states as he zips up his pants, pulling out his money clip and throwing the money down on the bed. “Expect a punishment if you’re late.”

“Of course,” you mumble, looking down at the money next to you.

You’d never gone from feeling so blissed out to feeling like total shit so fast.

“Hey, cheer up. This will be fun for the both of us,” he smirks at you as he puts his suit jacket on.

“Sure it will. Don’t forget your wedding ring,” you remind him lazily as you get up and make your way to your bag.

Andy’s hesitant before he makes his way over to get it. “There’s nothing for you to feel bad about, Y/N,” he states softly as he puts his ring back on, and you can hear the sincerity in his tone. “What we do...it’s just for fun. It’s just sex. I’m free to do what I want and so are you.”

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it?” you question before grabbing your bag and disappearing into the bathroom.

You take your time in the shower, letting the night’s events play over and over again. No, you didn’t sleep with him and besides grabbing your hair, he hadn’t touched you.

However, it all still felt wrong. You didn’t feel like you. How you were going to tell Mary and try to avoid telling her how much a part of you enjoyed it, isn’t something you think you’ll be able to do.

But you know you have to.

You quickly dry and dress yourself in the bathroom, brushing your teeth the best you can without making your gums bleed, before making your way back out to the bedroom. Andy’s gone but he left a piece of paper with his number on it, next to the wad of cash on the bed.

You take a deep breath and throw both into your purse before making your way out of the room, wanting nothing more than to distance yourself for the new world you’ve made for yourself as much as possible.

“Hey, how’d it go tonight?” Allison asks, greeting you with a small smile as you make your way off of the elevator.

“Well, I’m still a virgin,” you mumble, walking by the bar and making yourself a drink.

“Oh shit,” she sighs, taking a seat next to you and making your own drink.

“We did...things. We did things and he allowed me to ask him three questions, so I of course asked about Mary-”

“Y/N....no,” she groans.

“Of course his story is different than hers, and for some reason, I believe him because it sounds...very Mary.”

“How so?”

“She thought she could change his mind and became upset when she couldn’t.”

“Well...yeah, that does sound very Mary,” she scoffs, taking a swig of her drink.

“How am I supposed to tell her, Ally? She’s going to be so-”

“You know just as well as I do that she’ll be understanding.”

“And you know just as well as I do that it’ll be to an extent.”

“She’ll come around, babe.”

“She never stopped loving him, fuck! What did I just get myself into?! He didn’t even know that I know her, let alone that she’s my best friend. He didn’t even wanna talk about it.”

“Wait. He didn’t wanna talk about it, and you made him talk about it?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, finishing off your drink before pouring yourself another. “He told me to ask him something else and I told him no. However, by how hard he face fucked me tonight, I’m pretty sure I paid for it.”

“Did he-”

“He didn’t do anything I didn’t find myself liking, which is apart of the problem. I don’t want Andy, but I want the release he brings. Yes, at the end of the day, it really is all about the money, but I feel guilty for enjoying the things that get me the money.”

“Honey, if you’re lucky enough to end up with a fuckhead that you actually enjoy, there should be no guilt or shame in that. Andy Barber is fine as fuck and he chose you. Do you want to be with him?”

“Fuck no!”

“Then there’s nothing to feel bad about. He’s just a paycheck that you get to enjoy along the way. Take what you need while getting what you want,” she smiles reassuringly.

You both make small talk before she tells you that both her and Lindsey have off tomorrow, so they’ll text the plans for tomorrow in the group chat. You finish your drink and give Allison a tight hug before making your way to the exit. Samantha offers you a small sad smile before handing you your check and wishing you a great weekend.  

When you’re finally settled into your car, you open up your check and chuckle humorlessly.

$717.19.

You do quick math in your head and realize that you’ve made $10,717.19 without barely lifting a finger.

By the time you get home, you’re exhausted and don’t want to think anymore. You ask Gloria if she minds spending her Saturday night with your mother and she’s happy to tell you ‘no’ if it means you’ll go out and have fun for a change,

“Are you sure? Because you have your own life and-”

“Honey, I’ve never seen someone who works quite as hard as you do. You deserve a night off and some fun. If anything serious happens, I promise I’ll let you know,” she smiles reassuringly.

“How much do I owe-”

“This is on the house. For as long as I’ve been caring for your mother, you’ve never asked me for anything more than that’s been required.”

“I can’t just-”

“Yes you can,” she promises softly. “Be young and have fun, even if it’s for a night. Reality will be waiting for you when you get back,” she states sympathetically before making her way down the steps and to her car.

You watch her drive off before taking a deep breath and heading inside.

“You’re home early!” your mother beams as you make your way into the living room.

“No inventory, just regular bullshit,” you smile as you sit down in the chair next to her.

“I missed you today. Grease was on!”

“You watched Grease without me?!”

“Before the end of this life, I need to know why they literally fly off into the sunset,” your Mother jokes as you feel your heart break.

“What have you come up with?” you ask, doing your best to mask your pain.

“I don’t know just yet, but I will figure it out,” she giggles before turning her attention back towards the television.

You give her a small kiss on the hand before turning your attention back to the television. Soon enough, you hear her soft snores and do your best to fight sleep, trying to hold on to the moments that will soon be no more.

But you’re so tired.

You’re not sure how long you’re asleep before you hear your sister’s voice faintly in the background.

“She’s been working hard, honey. Let her rest,” your Mother says softly, but the happiness in her tone is very apparent.

“I know, but I just wanna talk to her. This is the first time I’ve actually seen her in years. She looks so grown up and I miss her. I know she hates me, and I don’t blame her, but I really-”

“She doesn’t hate you, Vivian. She’s just hurt,” your Mother corrects softly.

It takes all of two seconds for you to realize that you’re not having a nightmare and that your sister is, in fact, in the house.

“Vivian,” you yawn as your eyes slowly open “I didn’t know you’d be here today.”

“Hey! You’re up!” she smiles at you, going in for a hug, and instantly move away.

You feel terrible for being angry with your mother, but you don’t like being ambushed. At all. You see the pain in your sister’s expression, but you can’t find yourself feeling bad at all.

“What’s up?” you ask tentatively, your gaze flitting between the both of them.

“Um, mom asked me over for lunch today and I was hoping the three of us could-”

“I have plans,” you interrupt instantly, ignoring the scowl that leaves your Mother’s lips.

“Oh,” she replies weakly “well maybe this week-”

“I’m taking care of mom and I have work,” you reply with a shrug.

“Honey, why don’t you get started on lunch?” your Mother smiles at your sister, the best she can as she hides her annoyance towards you.

Your sister merely nods before slowly making her way out.

“Y/N-”

“Don’t,” you quickly interrupt. “You didn’t tell me she was coming over.”

“You didn’t tell me you had plans.”

“I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t, because you would’ve tried to ambush me another day.”

“I told you-”

“No mom. I get it, I really do. She’s your daughter and things are...I get it, but you don’t get to force me to make nice with her. She didn’t just walk out on you, she walked out on me too. She didn’t care because she was happy to blindly follow behind dad, even though he was in the wrong the entire time. I’m finer with her not being in my life. I’m fine with the both of them not being in my life.”

“You can’t hold on to this hate in your heart forever,” your Mother sighs.

“There’s no hate. I just don’t need them and I don’t care. They made this choice, not me.”

“Y/N-”

“Gloria is going to come over in a few hours. I highly doubt that Vivian is gonna be able to take care of you on her own. She doesn’t know a thing about your medication or diet.”

“Y/N-”

“I called her, ya know,” you almost sob. “When you were first diagnosed, I called her to let her know. I called her multiple times. I called her cell, her house, and her job. She couldn’t be fucking bothered. She never returned a call, always had someone answer for her to say that she was too busy...she made the choice for things to be this way and I’m not gonna feel bad for wanting nothing to do with her. For wanting nothing to do with either of them,” you sniff as you wipe your eyes.

“Who are you meeting up with?” your Mother sighs as she wipes her own eyes.

“Mary, she’s home for the weekend, so we’re gonna go out with a few friends.”

“You can’t see her tomorrow?”

“I want to spend time with you. Not you and Vivian.”

“Y/N-”

“We have tomorrow and Monday,” you smile weakly. “You have a lunch and I have to get ready for my day out.”

“I don’t want you mad at me, Sweet Pea.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just tired.”

You quickly make your way upstairs and put together an outfit before getting into the shower. You do your best to push your feelings of anger and irritation aside, but you truly can’t wrap your head around the fact that your mother tried to force you into spending time with your sister. It’s not like you don’t get why it means so much, and you truly want to make your mother as happy as possible while you still can, but you’re just not ready to speak to your sister or Father again.

You’re not sure if you ever will be.

As you dry yourself off and start getting dressed, you hear a faint knock on your door.

“Are you ever gonna stop hating me, Y/N?” your sister asks softly as she opens the door.

“I thought you had to wait for someone to say ‘come in’ before you make your way into their space,” you scowl.

“Y/N-”

“I don’t hate you, Vivian. I just want nothing to do with you or Dad. I think that’s fair.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry and I get it, okay? I was selfish, I was stupid-”

“You broke her heart, Vivian!” you finally snap. “You blamed her for something that she had no control over! You don’t think she tried to stop him from leaving? You don’t think it broke her heart that he’d rather cheat than be a better man for his family? She did everything she could for us, and you just...it doesn’t even fucking matter,” you sniff as you wipe your eyes, before putting on your sneakers. “She’s dying so you both need to make peace with your consciences. Whatever.”

“That’s not-”

“That’s exactly what the fuck it is. I’m not stupid. You’re lucky though, cause neither of you had to watch her fall apart in real time. You didn’t deal with the hair loss, the vomiting, the emergency hospital visits, the bills, the breakdowns, the freak outs, the coughing up blood, the weight loss, none of it. You guys waited till the end and I gotta say, you made the smart move. Avoiding any true guilt and coming in when you have just enough time to enjoy the few good days she has left? Genius.”

“Y/N,” she sobs.

“Gloria will be here around 5. I don’t know what time I’ll be home, so just try not to run out on her again until I come back, okay? Thanks,” you smile sarcastically at her, before grabbing your purse and pushing past her and making your way downstairs. “I’m gonna get going, Mama.”

“You won’t stay for-”

“I love you, but I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I’m just not there yet,” you sigh with a weak smile. “But we’ll do something tomorrow, okay? We can watch ‘Grease’ together and try to solve the mystery.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” your mother pleads softly, gently placing her hand on yours.

“I could never,” you promise, kissing her forehead and slowly pulling your hand away “I just can’t be here right now. Gloria will be here in a few hours, okay?”

“Yeah...have fun and be safe,” your Mother encourages weakly. “I love you.”

“I’ll see you later,” you respond meekly before rushing out.

The minute you start your car, you start crying. Is it not enough that work just got extremely complicated? Now your personal life has to get complicated too?

By the time you arrive at Mary’s parents’ house, you’re spent and just wanna go home. But you know better. Going back to chaos will only cause more of it, and you need a break.

From everything.

“You’re here!” Mary squeals, running down the steps as you get out of your car, and you can’t help but chuckle. “I missed you so fucking much!”

“I missed you too,” you giggle as she tackles you with a tight hug. “Are the girls here?”

“No, we’re gonna meet them at the bar! Which means...”

“Oh God, please don’t make me!” you groan, stomping your foot.

“You get to help me get ready!”

“Can I just stab myself instead? It’s just as painful.”

“Ha ha, get your ass in here,” she smirks before pulling you inside her parents house.

As both of her parents hug you and welcome you in, your mind can’t help but wonder if they know. Know what Mary used to do, know if she helped you land your current job...how she’s able to pay for school without a cent from them...they have to at least be curious, right?

“So, catch me up! I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in forever!” she sings as she makes her way into the bathroom that connects to her room.

“What do you wanna know about?” you ask, fighting off the inevitable as your phone buzzes.

Unknown Number: Are you sure you can’t come in tonight?

Y/N: How did you get my number, Andy?

Unknown Number: Samantha will basically give me anything that I want. Any information I want about you, I can easily get.

Y/N: Jesus, did you help her cover up a murder or something?

Unknown Number: Something like that lol. Now, about tonight.

Y/N: I told you, Andy. My days are non-negotiable. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

Unknown Number: Are you sure?

When the text that follows is a picture of his hard cock in his hand, you’re feel your cheeks heating up at the arousal between your legs.

“Well, I’m guessing you’re not in the mood to talk about your Mother,” Mary sighs heavily, as you jump a little and hide your phone. “Sooo, I was thinking we could talk about work?” she asks hesitantly.

“Um, I mean...we can...”

“What don’t you want to tell me? Did someone hurt you? Is Samantha being a cunt? Because I swear to God I’ll-”

“No...no, nothing like that,” you chuckle nervously.

At that moment, your eyes land on a picture on her nightstand of you two when you were 6, and you truly want to die.

“Is it about Andy?” she asks softly.

“Yes,” you all but mumble. Her silence is enough to make you want to run away and leave, but you know you can’t. Mary’s your best friend and you need to be up front with her. “We don’t have to-”

“You may as well tell me,” she mutters and you can tell that she probably has her hands balled into fists.

“He uh...he wants me to see him...only him,” you confess nervously as you start to fiddle with your hands. “He knows I’m a virgin, and Samantha made him swear not to force himself on me, but we did...stuff last night. He obviously doesn’t know why I work there, and I don’t want him to, but the money he’s paying...it’s really good money, plus what Mary pays me at the end of the week. I need every bit of it.”

“He’s such a fucking asshole! I swear to Christ!” she exclaims, slamming her hand down on the sink. “Let me guess, Samantha made it known that you’re a virgin?”

“Yup, because you know how guys like that are. They want to be the first and they want to know they’re the only one whose touched you like that. Of course, the minute the word got out that she hired a virgin, business started booming,” you mutter, looking down at your feet.

You feel so fucking small.

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, I know how much you need the money. It’s the only reason I told you about the club in the first place, but do you-”

“It’s $10,000, Mary. No matter what happens with Sam, I’m guaranteed $10,000 with Andy. $10,000 a week? That covers expenses in spades,” you explain, trying to fight off your feelings of guilt. “It’s not like I’m happy about this or happy to be with him. I even asked him why he broke your heart,” you say before you can stop yourself.

“What? What did he say?” she asks, coming out of the bathroom half dressed, toothbrush still in her mouth.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Y/N, tell me-”

“Mary, why are you gonna put yourself through all of this again? Stop thinking about-”

“Please don’t,” she practically sobs. “I know, okay? I went through it and I know what...I know. It’s just not fucking fair!”

“Then stop thinking on it,” you beg, getting up and wrapping her in a tight hug. “You deserve better and you’ll have better. You’ll have the dream man you’ve always wanted, but you have to stop being so hung up on him.”

“Why does he get to have everything he wants?”

“Because he’s rich, babe. He’s rich which means he can afford to have everything he wants,” you smile sympathetically as you back away.

“Help me finish up?” she asks softly as she dries her eyes.

“I’d love to.”

You two spend the rest of the time at her house helping her get an outfit together and telling her about how about how Vivian and your Father are trying to come back into your life now that your Mother is nearing the end of hers. As you do her hair and explain everything that’s going on, you can tell that Mary feels bad at suggesting you not see Andy anymore.

“So, she just wants you to welcome her back with open arms like she didn’t fuck you both over?” Mary asks as you curl the last part of her hair.

“Yup. Vivian tried to give me a whole fucking story about how she’s not coming by to clear up her conscience.”

“What a bitch. Honestly, fuck the both of them. You’ve been taking care of your mother, for almost 2 years without any help from anyone. They have no right.”

“She wants us all to make up before she...but I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be there.”

“And that’s okay, babe,” she sighs. “I know all the hell you’ve gone through because of them, and they honestly don’t deserve your forgiveness, or even a fake act of kindness. Fuck them.”

“It’ll make her happy though and isn’t that what matters most?” you ask as your phone buzzes.

“I know how much you love her, hell, I wish she was my mother, but you have to draw the line somewhere,” she says firmly as your phone buzzes again. “Are you gonna answer that?”

“No,” you mutter, handing her your favorite eyeliner.

“It could be your mom.”

“I promise you it isn’t.”

“Oh,” is all she says. “Why-”

“He wants me to come in tonight,” you mumble as your phone buzzes again.

“You may as well answer it,” she gripes.

Unknown Number: You can’t say it’s not a good photo.

Unknown Number: C’mon, whatever you’re doing tonight can’t be more fun than spending time with me.

Y/N: I can’t tonight, Andy. I told you, my days are non-negotiable.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to, because a part of you does. The release he gave you the night before is the only thing you truly crave right now, and it’s hard to believe that anyone else will give it to you.

That and the fact that there’s a small part of you doesn’t want anyone else to make you feel that way. It’s hard enough to accept that Andy makes you feel and act a certain that you never thought you would, but thinking that there’s possibly someone else that could unlock that inside of you?

That has you terrified.

By the time you and Mary make it to the bar, you’re more than ready to get trashed.

“Finally! Took you two long enough!” Lindsey squeals as you and Mary make your way inside the bar.

Allison practically knocks you over with the hug she gives you and you can’t help but laugh, knowing full well that she’s already buzzed.

“I missed you!”

“You just saw me last night,” you laugh.

“Yeah, but that’s work. I haven’t hung out with either of you in so long!” she whines before letting go of you and tackling Mary with a hug.

“Someone’s having a good time,” you giggle as you hug Lindsey.

“Like the rest of us, she’s in need of a night off,” she chuckles, hugging you tight.

“What happened?”

“She’s gonna bring it up later, but her and Tyler got into another argument about work. He doesn’t want her working at the club anymore.”

“Then maybe he should get a fucking job and do something? Besides, it’s not like it’s some fucking surprise. She’s been up front with him from the very beginning.”

“Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I went off too. She needs to leave his ass, but you and I both know she won’t.”

“It’s really fucking sad what we’re willing to go through just fucking feel normal outside of work.”

“You’re telling me,” she sighs heavily.

As the night goes on, you all drink and talk about how life is currently being a bitch to all of you.

“You need to leave his ass, Ally,” you slightly slur as you grab your drink. “He’s a piece of shit and has no right to talk to you like that.”

“I love him,” she sighs before finishing off the rest of her drink. “I know I shouldn’t but I do. He wasn’t always like this and I get why he’s mad, I would be too. I sleep with other men for money, but he knew that. He knew that, he knows why, and he still...I just don’t know.”

“Exactly,” Mary jumps in. “He fucking knows why you do it. Outside of Lindsey, I don’t know anyone who stays at the job as long as we all have for shits and giggles. Well, Lindsey and the fucking terror twins,” she scoffs.

“Yeah, but I’m not a piece of shit like the terror twins!” Lindsey quickly defends as you all laugh.

“We know, babe. We know,” you encourage as you pat her arm.

“My point being,” Mary starts again “Tyler doesn’t like what you do, but he likes the money you make. He knows why you do it, but he literally does nothing to help you. He knows first hand how good you are at your job, but does nothing to keep other men from knowing why you earn so well. I don’t know, maybe he should take his fucking college degree and take care of you, instead of berating you because his fucking feeling are hurt,” she snaps as your phone starts to ring.

You take one look at it and scowl, before rolling your eyes and ignoring it.

“Looks like you’ve got Barber wrapped around your finger,” Mary scoffs before finishing off her drink.

“Don’t,” you bite before waiving a waiter over and asking for another round of drinks.

“I’m not,” she huffs “I just fucking hate him.”

“I didn’t decide on this lightly and you know that.”

“I know and I’m truly not mad at you. Honestly, I can’t even bitch about it that much because he didn’t even know we know each other. This isn’t him being a dick, it’s just him being attracted to someone else. The shittiest part is that the someone else is my best fucking friend.”

“I’ll just tell him that I can’t do it,” you shrug, grabbing your phone.

“Stop it, I’m sorry,” she sighs, rubbing the back of her neck. “You need that money and I know that. I want your mother to be as comfortable as possible, I’m just...I still love him. I shouldn’t and he doesn’t deserve my love, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do,” she almost sobs as your phone starts ringing again. “Just answer him,” she laughs humorlessly “I know him and he isn’t going to stop until he gets what he wants.”

“I can be persistent too, ya know.”

“Just answer him.”

You slowly make your way out, grateful for the soft breeze and the sound of the water hitting the rocks, before finally answering him.

“What?” you snap, leaning against the balcony ledge.

“You could be a little nicer, ya know.”

“What do you want, Andy?”

“You know what I want.”

“And you know that I can’t. Why are you-ow!” you exclaim as you almost fall over, but land on a metal table instead.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine! I just...just lost my balance.”

“Are you drunk?” he scoffs.

“Maybe.”

“So, you can’t work on weekends because you’re an alcoholic?”

“Oh fuck off!” you snap and he laughs. “Mary is home for the weekend, so I was bullied into taking a night off so we can all hangout.”

“A night from...?”

“None of your business.”

“You’re a mean drunk.”

“And you’re a nosey man.”

“She mad at you?”

“I mean, she’s not fucking happy about it.”

“So you did tell her?”

“Why are you so surprised by that?”

“Most people choose the easy way out.”

“Do I seem like most people to you?”

“Fair point,” he chuckles softly. “You’re not driving home, right?”

“I’m not that stupid.”

“Text me where you are and I’ll send a service for you and your friends when you’re ready to leave.”

“There’s really no need, but thank you,” you sigh softly, not liking how his genuine concern makes you feel just a bit special.

“Y/N-”

“Mary’s already upset, Andy. You sending a car will only make her upset. We can get ourselves home.”

“At least let me know when you’re home.”

“Why do you care so much?”

“I just made a hefty investment. I can’t have you dying on me after just a day,” he jokes and you can’t help but burst out laughing. “I like your laugh,” he comments after your laughter dies down.

“Blame the alcohol.”

“I just might,” he scoffs. “You’ll let me know when you’re safe?”

“I promise,” you state softly.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Andy.”

As the night goes on, and you all get drunker, you do your best to push your thoughts about everything away. You don’t want to think about Andy, you don’t want to think about the fact that your Mother is on her way out, and you definitely don’t want to think about your sister and father. You just wanna stay in the moment with your friends and feel a temporary sense of relief, but as 2am hits and you’re holding Alison’s hair back, you know it’s time to go.

Figuring out how to get home is a bit tricky, but you all manage with you deciding that the three of them will sleepover at Lindsey’s and you’ll go back home. The second you stumble into your Mother’s house, you’re ready to go to sleep, but you remember that you promised Andy you’d let him know when you’re home. You plop down on the chair next to your Mother’s hospice bed and pull out your phone.

Y/N: I’m home safe.

You were ready to settle into the chair when you’re phone started ringing.

“Why are you up?” you yawn once you answer the phone.

“If I’m not fuckin’, I’m workin’,” Andy jokes and you chuckle softly. “Did you have fun?”

“Mhm, I think we all needed it. You need to get sleep.”

“Soon enough. Jacob’s still out.”

“Don’t be a boner when he gets home,” you muse lazily and Andy lets out a hearty laugh.

“I just wanna know he’s home safely. I trust the kid.”

“Always have.”

“See you Tuesday?”

“Mhm,” you hum as you start to drift off.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Andy,” you smile before hanging up.

Sleep comes easily enough as you kick off your shoes and settle in the lay-z-boy. As you slip out of consciousness, you can’t help but feel anxious. Anxious about your Mother, your sister, your Father, your future...

Anxious about Andy.

You mentally tell yourself that everything will be fine and fall into place as they should, because life always has a funny way of working itself out.

However, the feeling of dread and vampires flying around in your stomach has you thinking differently.

If only someone would give you a crystal ball to see your future.

In the next two months of you seeing Andy professionally, a lot has happened.

Your Mother’s condition has taken a turn for the worst, both your sister and Father have been hounding you to spend time with them, your relationship with Mary has gotten rockier by the day, and Andy has become obsessed with spending as much time with you as possible.

Andy.

To say that you’ve developed feelings for him is a stretch, but you’ve definitely started feeling something towards him.

“Daddy, it’s gonna hurt,” you moaned as you looked up at Andy.

“Only for a little bit, Sweetheart. I promise that it’s gonna feel so good after a little bit,” he cooed softly.

“Why did you have to get one that’s so big?”

“So we can both pretend that it’s me fucking you,” he coaxed devilishly as he softly rubbed the head of the dildo against your clit “don’t you wanna make Daddy happy?”

“That’s not fair!” you pouted as Andy chuckled, and you could tell that he was doing all he could not to kiss you. “You promise to take it slow?”

“I won’t get aggressive until you tell me to.”

“I never tell you to,” you quickly defended.

“Sure you don’t, Sweetheart,” he laughed softly as he slowly pushed the head of the dildo into your pussy.

“Fuck!” you hissed at the pain new feeling of being stretched out. “Daddy!”

“I know, sweet girl, it’s okay,” he encouraged as he kept pushing it in further “just give it time.”

“Shit!” you moaned as the toy filled you, trying to stop the tears that were brimming in your eyes from spilling out. “Andy please!”

“I know, baby,” he urges gently as he starts to move it in and out of you slowly “just give it a minute,” he egged on before kissing your forehead.

You knew it was against the rules that you two set but, in that moment, you’re more than happy for the soft display of affection. In the short amount of time that you two had your little arrangement set up, Andy had done his best to figure out what you truly loved and what you tolerated. He knew when you were doing something to make him happy, and when you were doing something that you genuinely enjoyed and made you happy. That’s what got him off.

You slowly learned that Andy loved to please you. If you weren’t satisfied, he didn’t get off. He hated finishing before you did and he hated when finished yourself off instead of him.

“Fuck! Andy!” you moaned as the pain slowly started to turn into pleasure.

“Yeah? You like that, Sweetheart?” he groaned as he started to pick up his pace.

“Please...please don’t stop,” begged, your toes curling once he turned it on. “Fuck! It’s a fucking vibrator?!” you squealed as your back arched.

“You know I love to surprise you,” Andy chuckled as he started to pick up the pace. “You’re the best little slut I’ve ever had. Did you know that, Sweetheart?”

“No Daddy!” you whimpered as you tried to hold off on your release. “I just wanna make you happy!” you mindlessly confessed, too blissed out to mask your feelings.

“Yeah? You really like making me happy?”

“Yes! I love making you happy, Daddy! I love it when you’re satisfied!”

“Then cum for me,” he demanded hotly against the shell of your ear. “Cum for me right now, baby!”

“Shit!” you whimpered, gripping the sheets as you cum hard for him. “Fuck,” you sighed, trying to regulate your breathing.

“You know, I should be mad at you,” he said in a warning tone, still hovering over and looking you over. His pupils lust blown.

“Wh...what did I do?” you stuttered, your excitement quickly building again.

“You still won’t let me taste or fuck this perfect little pussy, you think that’s fair?”

“You know better, Daddy.”

“I still don’t fucking like it,” he muttered darkly, sitting up before turning off the vibrator and slowly pulling it out of you.

“Daddy!” you whined, not liking how empty you felt.

“You’re such a little brat, you know that?”

“Well, whose fault is that?” you snapped glaring at him.

“Oh, so you’re gonna get smart with me now? You clearly wannna get punished tonight,” he smirked with a dark chuckle. “You’re gonna suck this dildo clean, before sucking Daddy’s cock until I’m satisfied.”

“No, I’m sorry! I’ll be so good-”

“Too late, open up,” he demanded with a cocked brow.

That night, Andy kept you on your knees for over an hour and fucked your mouth until you were both too blissed out.

It’s not that you don’t want to fuck him, but taking that step will just make things too complicated and you know it. The only thing that makes you so sure are the fact that they’re nights when he doesn’t want sex at all. Yeah, he still wants you topless, but he mainly wants you to lay by him while he’s working on a case.

“So wait,” you sighed, sitting up, “what’s the issue? I’m missing something here.”

“You and me both, Baby,” he sighed, laying his head against the headboard.

“Isn’t it evident that the guy has a history of violence?”

“Yeah.”

“And it’s obvious that he was in location in question at the time of the assault, right?”

“He was in the area, but there’s nothing to pin him to being at the park at that time.”

“Well, there’s nothing to show that he wasn’t either. What did the victim say? She takes that route as a shortcut, but she only felt comfortable because of the amount of security cameras there?”

“Yeah, which is why I’m so fucking pissed that the trail keeps going cold whenever I think I’ve made a break in the case.”

“Okay, well, lets stop and think,” you propositioned as you leaned your head against the headboard. “The guy met her at the store, right? That’s how they got to talking?”

“Yeah?”

“Now, they both have said that he asked her out a few times, and each time she said no. I think it’s fairly clear that this guy became a little obsessed with her. I think he started stalking her and started following her patterns. If he’s as crazy as I believe he is, he probably noticed the cameras too. Noticed where they were and which ones worked and which ones didn’t.”

“They all work.”

“No they don’t. I know exactly what park she’s talking about and I know for a fact that some of those cameras are just for show. I got mugged there a few years ago. That park’s got dummy cameras, which makes no sense cause they could just fix the ones that don’t work, but whatever. Those are my tax dollars hard at work,” you muttered, rolling your eyes before grabbing your drink before taking a sip of it.

“Wait...what?”

“They have dummy camera’s in the park, Andy. They look like they work but they don’t, they keep them up anyway as a deterrent. But some of the cameras actually do work. The part of the park where she was attacked, they’re 2 dummy cameras there. I’m more than sure that one of those cameras at least got a shot of him.”

“Y/N, you’re a fucking genius, did you know that?” he beamed at you before practically bouncing off the bed, phone in hand, before dialing Lynne’s number.

When he saw you the next night, he gave you a silver chained necklace with a diamond red rose at the center of it.

“Andy,” you gasped, “you didn’t have to do this,” pressing your fingers to the necklace. “This is too much.”

“Thanks to you, little Miss, we were able to go over the footage from those dummy cameras and the case practically made itself,” he smirked as you both looked yourself over in the mirror. “It’s just my small way of saying thank you. You saved my ass.”

“It must have cost-”

“Don’t worry about the cost. Do you like it?”

“I love it.”

“Then keep it,” he smiled before pressing a soft kiss into your hair.

In those moments, you truly are at war with yourself over your feelings towards Andy. You’re not stupid. You know the arrangement and how he feels, but fuck all if he doesn’t make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world sometimes. The way he can be so gentle and soft with you. The look in his eyes when he’s simply checking on you or after he gives you an intense orgasm. The way he confides in you about work, Jacob, or Laurie. He has a way of blurring the lines, and while it makes you insanely frustrated and annoyed, you also don’t want him to stop.

That doesn’t mean that it’s always sunshine and rainbows between you two.

“Andy, you sound like a fucking idiot right now, stop it,” you griped as you got on the bed and laid down on it.

“You were the one all over-”

“All over?! Andy, your co-worker said hi to and hit on me, which I politely rejected. Why the fuck you’re so upset is beyond me, but it’s not my job to figure it out.”

“Exactly! Your job is to do whatever I pay you for, like a fucking slut is supposed-”

“A slut?!” you exclaimed as you sat up. “I’m the fucking slut, but you’re paying me just so you can fuck me with a fucking vibrator?! But I’m the slut?!”

“I may be the one paying, but you’re the one who’s more than happy to take the fucking money!”

“Fuck you!” you spat before getting off the bed and starting to get dressed. “Go find someone else to bitch to about Laurie! Or to whine to about the cases you can’t figure out! Go ahead! Go fucking do it! Go do it and see who genuinely gives a shit about you! Who genuinely gives a shit about seeing you happy!”

“Y/N-”

“GO!” you roared as you pulled your top on. “I’m fucking done! Literally everything is going wrong in my life! I don’t need your shit on top of it! Go pay someone else $10,000 to play mistress with!”

“Stop it-”

“I’m done!” you yelled before grabbing your things and storming out.

Andy left you alone for two days before he finally caved and text you.

Barber: I’m sorry.

Y/N: I fucking hate you.

Barber: No you don’t.

Y/N: How the fuck would you know?

Barber: Because you responded.

Y/N: Go bother someone else. I’m done. If I lose my job, I lose my fucking job.

Barber: I wouldn’t let Samantha fire you and you should know that by now.

Y/N: Well, you were all too willing to let her before.

Barber: Things change. It doesn’t matter. Just come in tomorrow, I’ll make it up to you.

Y/N: I don’t want to see you.

Barber: Y/N, just please.

Y/N: I’ll fucking think about it.

Of course, you caved and went the next day, but you went fully dressed and didn’t even bother to make him his drink

“I’m not even slightly surprised about this,” he scoffed humorlessly as he closed the door behind him.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you stated flatly, arms folded across your chest.

“Y/N-”

“No Andy. You’re far too comfortable with belittling me when you’re not happy about something in your own life. You don’t think I have shit going on that pisses me off? That frustrates me?”

“In my defense, I barely know anything about you.”

“Apparently, it’s better that way, cause you’ll probably use it against me.”

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

“You still said it!”

“I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry,” he sighed mournfully as he leaned against the wall. “You’re the one part of my life right now that doesn’t drive me crazy. No, I don’t like it when any of these other assholes talk to you, let alone look at you, because they don’t deserve to. I was already angry when I got here the other day, so when I saw Tyler talking to you, I lost my cool. You’re my girl-”

“No, I’m not Andy,” you sighed as you felt your eyes start to water. “I’m not anyone’s girl.”

“For 4 hours, you are my girl.”

“Andy...we should stop now.”

“Why? I like spending time with you and you like spending time with me.”

“We’re not dating, Andy. You pay me for sexual favors and that’s it. We’re not in love, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend, and we aren’t together.”

“There’s nothing wrong with two people enjoying each other’s company.”

“Tell that to Mary,” you scoffed, shifting your weight from one foot to another.

“What’s she upset about? We’re not fucking.”

“We’re just as good as!”

“Listen, you say you need this money, and if she’s your best friend, she should support it. Especially seeing as she’s the one who got you into all of this.”

“Don’t. That’s not fair Andy,” you warned, straightening up a bit. “That’s a low blow and you know it. Jesus, why do you want me to stay so bad?”

“Cause you’re not like the other girls, Y/N. I’m not saying that I want to get married, but I at least wanna be your friend. Your friend with benefits,” he smirked.

“That doesn’t seem like such a good idea for us either.”

“It’s not a bad one.”

“Then what happens when you decide you wanna stop?”

“Then we’re just friends,” he shrugged.

You were thoughtful before you spoke. “You can’t talk to me like that ever again, Andy. I mean it. Do it again and I’m done.”

“It’ll never happen again, I promise,” he stated sincerely, and you couldn’t help but believe him. All you did was nod before starting to pull your shirt up. “What are you doing?”

“What I’m supposed to?”

“I told you, I’m gonna make it up to you. I’m taking you out.”

“Wh..what? Taking me out where?”

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Then this works out perfectly.”

“Andy, wherever you plan on taking me...I’m not dressed for it, no matter what outfit I’m wearing.”

“Guess it’s a good thing I’m taking somewhere that I’m sure you’ll love. Grab your stuff, lets go,” he smiled at you.

It’s not like you could ignore all the stares that were burning themselves into the both of your heads as you two walked out, but what could you do? At the end of the day, no matter what Andy said, you still had to do whatever he wanted. Sure, his words were sweet and nice enough, but they were still just words.

The car ride to wherever he was taking you was filled with awkward silence, while you tried to find a decent radio station, but nothing seemed right. However, happiness overwhelms you when he pulls up to O’Hara’s Food & Spirits.

“Who told you?!” you beamed as you looked out the window.

“Who told me what?” Andy chuckled, genuinely confused by the change in your demeanor.

“That this place means everything to me! This is one of my most...who told you?”

“No one? I just thought you’d like it,” he smiled sincerely.

That’s when your feelings for Andy truly started to change. O’Hara’s was special to you, because it had been a place you and your mom would go to once (maybe twice if the money was there) a month when you both just wanted a night out. It was just the both of you and you both had decided a stress free Mother/Daughter dinner was the best thing every once in a while.

When her sickness got worse, you had to stop, because she couldn’t physically handle it. Being parked in front of the restaurant brought back so many happy memories, that you couldn’t help but shed a few tears.

The fact that Andy had thought (on his own) that you’d like a place like that, meant more to you than you were ready to admit. The best you could do was lean over and kiss him on the cheek.

“You did great, Andy,” you smiled at him “I love this place.”

“You ready to eat?” Andy grinned at you sheepishly.

“Lets go.”

Almost as soon as you two made your way inside, waiters and waitresses were greeting you, happy to see you and asking about your Mother.

“Okay, you’ve gotta tell me something,” Andy pressed as the waiter walked away with the drink order.

“Tell you something about what?”

“Well, you kissed my cheek in the car, every server in here seems to be happy to see you, and they all keep asking about your mom,” he stated matter-of-factly. “At least give me something.”

You sighed heavily as the waiter dropped off your drink orders, before taking your meal orders and walking off. “I used to come here with my Mother after...after everything that had happened, we decided that Mother/Daughter dinners would be good. When we could afford it, it was nice for us to just have a night where we didn’t worry about drama, dishes, cooking, work...it was just us talking and talking having a nice time, and forgetting for a bit. When she first got sick, we still kept it up because we were hopeful. As she got sicker, I started placing orders for pick up. Then I stopped ordering all together because there were other things to take care of.”

“How is she now?”

You swirled your drink around in your glass before taking a sip. “I work at the Club for a reason.” Andy’s silence made you roll your eyes. “This is why I don’t talk about it,” you scoffed humorlessly as your food arrived. “Besides the fact that it sucks and I don’t wanna think about it, I don’t need or want anyone feeling sorry for me either. I’m not some pity side show.”

“It’s not pity, I just feel like an asshole.”

“That’s because you are an asshole,” you smirked as he let out a soft chuckle.

From that moment on, the conversation was more lax and flowed easily. You both made each other laugh, challenged each other mentally, and found yourselves getting lost in conversations that you wouldn’t have with anyone else.

You both just enjoyed one another.

In fact, you both enjoyed one another so much, that you lost track of time.

“Ya know, I can’t remember the last time I stayed at a restaurant till closing,” Andy scoffed as he pulled up to the club, next to your car.

“I can’t remember the last time I went to a restaurant,” you laughed. “Thank you for apologizing and thank you for tonight. It was nice. When you’re not being a complete piece of shit, you’re a lot of fun to be around,” you smirked.

“I’m working on it, I’m working on it,” he chuckled. “Thank you for forgiving me and coming out tonight.”

“Yeah yeah, Barber,” you smirked before opening the car door and getting out. “Goodnight Andy.”

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

From then on, there was a shift between you two and everyone noticed.

“So, how’s Andy?” Mary slurred into the phone as you rolled your eyes.

“Can we not do this tonight? I’m really not in the mood,” you sighed as you laid on your bed in your room.

“All I did was ask-”

“No, all you’re doing is starting another argument that I don’t have the energy for. Do you even realize what day it is? It’s a Thursday, Mary. It’s Thursday and I’m not working, because he text me and told me not to come in and that he’ll see me next week. Which means he’s currently fucking someone else. So, whatever you think is going on, clearly isn’t,” you snapped.

“You seem pretty fucking irritated by that,” she scoffed, followed by a hiccup.

“No,” you lied, “I’m irritated because I don’t know what the fuck you want from me! I told you that I’d call the whole thing off and you said no. I asked you again the next night and you said no because it’s good money and I need it. Now, every other call or text is about Andy, and it’s like you’re mad at me for being upfront with you! If I don’t tell you, you’re mad at me! So Mary, what the fuck would you like for me to do?! Please tell me what the fuck you want!”

“I want him to stop loving you!” she cried. “You don’t think I hear myself?! You think I want to be a bitch?! I know I’m being an asshole, but what the fuck do you have that I don’t?!”

“For the millionth time, he doesn’t fucking love me,” you sighed.

“You both may be too fucking stupid to see it, but I’m not! He’s different with you! The gifts he gets you, the fact that you’re his main girl, the fact that he actually cares when he makes you upset...he’s definitely-”

“He’s definitely not and you’re thinking too much of it. I’m tired of having this talk, Mary. You’re my best friend and I’ve literally done everything in my power to do right by you, and it’s not fucking enough. You told me about the fucking job, I told you when he propositioned me, and I tell you the truth when you ask me about seeing him. So I really don’t know what the fuck you want out of me anymore, but I’m done trying to figure it out. Talk to me when you’re done obsessing over him,” you huffed before quickly hanging up.

You knew you’d pissed her off, but you didn’t think you’d actually pissed her off to the point where she’d go too far. But then again, she was drunk.

“Uh Y/N,” Allison called as she awkwardly walked over to you. “There’s someone here to talk to you.”

“Can you ask them to come back? I’m already behind and I need to get ready.”

“Uh...she says she’s your sister,” she all but mumbled.

The last bit of patience that you had snapped. “What?”

“I know you and Mary got into a huge argument, but please don’t-”

“I’m gonna fucking kill her,” you growled before grabbing your bag and making your way to the entrance. “Outside,” was all you said before breezing past your sister. “What do you want?”

“So this is what you do? Instead of making peace with me and accepting my help? Dad’s help? You do this?!”

“Don’t paint yourself as some fucking God, Vivian,” you scoffed. “You both fucking left. I called you when she got sick and where were you?”

“That was then-”

“Where were you?! Not fucking here! So, I took on three fucking jobs so I could help pay for her medical expenses, because her job didn’t help with shit! The little bit of money dad bothered to leave before running off with his young bride keeps the lights on and the water running! When I put my pride aside and went to you for help, your fucking assistant kept saying you couldn’t be reached! When I text and called you, you never returned either of them! When she got worse, I tried reaching out to you again, because I was missing out on time with her, but once again, you couldn’t be bothered!”

“Y/N-”

“No! You don’t get to come here and judge me! Acting like you’re some fucking patron saint because you’ve come riding in on your white horse at the last possible fucking minute! Mary is the one who told me about this job. Did your new best friend even bother to tell you that?!” You practically screamed at her. Her silence told you everything you needed to know, as her eyes started to well with tears. “Oh, don’t fucking start crying me a river now, Viv. You don’t know the hell I’ve gone through trying to keep Mom as comfortable and happy as possible! Fucking waitressing here till closing, getting little to no sleep, spending as much time as possible with her as I can, just to have to leave again and come back here! So yes, when a nice man offered to pay me $10,000 just to fucking stand topless in his room and pour him drinks, you bet your ass I fucking took it! It’s not my fault that Mary is in love with him! Did she tell you that I told her I won’t take it? Or that I checked with her multiple times to make sure she’d be okay with it? That she’s the one who told me to take the money because it was good? No, she fucking didn’t! Everyone is so quick to fucking bitch me out and throw stones, but I’ve been busting my ass trying to figure this shit out and I’ve been doing it alone! So you can go straight to hell with your fucking judgment! You care so fucking much? No, you need to get rid of the fucking guilt you feel because you’re a piece of shit!”

“Y/N, please just-”

“Get the fuck out of here! We’re done here and my shift is about to start,” you boil before turning and walking away.

The minute you stormed back inside, both Allison and Lindsey were on your heels.

“Please calm down,” Lindsey begged, “just text Andy and tell him you can’t-”

“She fucking called my sister?!” you yelled as you aggressively pressed the ‘up’ button on the elevator. “She called my sister and of course bothered to leave out all the parts that would make her look like a piece of shit, right? Cause I’m such a greedy little bitch!”

“Wouldn’t get too comfortable in that suite, Honey,” Madison scoffed as the elevator doors finally opened. “The way Andy fucked me last week...looks like he’s about over you.”

You went to lunge at her but both Allison and Lindsey held you back.

“Fuck off Madison, or I’ll choke you to death myself,” Lindsey warned with a low growl that had Madison running in the opposite direction.

“Hun, please don’t-”

“Nope, I’m a fucking professional. I’m a horrible best friend, and a slut, but I’m also a professional and I will not call out last minute,” you scoffed. “Fuck, I forgot the the stupid drink!”

“I’ll get it,” Allison sighed, “just get up there. The last thing I need is for you to run into Madison and kill her. It’s not like she doesn’t deserve it, but still,” she mutters.

The minute you’re in the room, you pull out your phone and start typing furiously.

Y/N: We’re fucking done. You are dead to me. You told Vivian of ALL people?! I would’ve NEVER done something like that to you! I’ve always done my best to be the best friend I can be, I’ve always done my best to be there for you, and you pull this shit because you’ve decided Andy is in love with me?! I fucking told you I’d stop seeing him and YOU told me not to! So you can fuck right off and go to hell!

By the time Allison got to the room, you were furiously pacing.

“Y/N-”

“I really can’t talk about it right now, Allison. I love you to death, but I can’t do this and have this talk.”

“Just please don’t do anything you’ll regret out of anger. What Mary did was completely fucked, but don’t let it drive the choices you make tonight,” she pleaded softly before setting the tray down and walking out.

You let her words roll around as you got ready, but you couldn’t calm down. After you finished up in the bathroom, you filled your glass and started drinking. When Andy didn’t show up on time, you continued to drink.

By the time he got there, you were teeter-tottering between tipsy and drunk.

“You’re late,” you slurred, not getting up from the chair as you took a sip from your glass. The look on his face let you know that he was already pissed about something. “Uh oh, someone’s mad,” you giggled.

“I thought I told you I wanted you loose, not drunk,” he stated with an irritated sigh.

“Well, lets just add it on to the list of things I’m doing wrong today, cause it apparently is every fucking thing,” you shrugged before finishing off your drink and pouring yourself another. “Anyway, you’re late. Why are you late, Mr. Barber? The members of the jury are dying to know.”

“Laurie,” was all he said as he looked you over.

“Ah yes, the evil witch. Your wife.”

“Watch it,” he warned as he unbuttoned the sleeve buttons on his shirt and rolled them up.

“That’s right, I’m not allowed to use the ‘w’ word,” you scoffed. “Cause then we’re both reminded how bad we feel.”

“What the fuck is with you tonight?” he finally snapped.

“I got two hours of sleep, Andy. You wanna know why? Because my Mother had a really bad night and I was handling it, by my fucking self, like I do everything else in my life. Can’t do much because it’s hospice, so ya know, she’s just going to fucking die at home no matter what, ya know? But that’s fine. I’ve come to terms with that. So, I took care of her and got her to calm down, then I cried for about an hour before falling asleep. Woke up two hours later, made her some food, gave her medicine that helps her deal with the pain. I told Gloria, her wonderful nurse, about her episode last night, then left to come here. Ya know what happened when I fucking got here? I’ll tell you,” you smiled sarcastically before taking a sip of your drink. “My fucking cunt of a sister was here to berate me for working at this lovely little Gentlemen’s Club. Of course, it’s not like I didn’t try to ask for her help financially when our Mother was first diagnosed. She couldn’t be fucking bothered, because she was still hanging onto her misplaced anger about our father walking out, but now the both of them are coming in at the last fucking minute and I’m supposed to be fucking grateful. The fact that I open my legs for you makes her better than me,” you laughed humorlessly.

Andy’s demeanor softened, and you could see that he felt awful. “Baby-”

“Oh wait, it gets better!” you scoffed as you poured him a drink “C’mon, have a drink with me! We’re having fun!”

“Sweetheart-”

“Andy, you have to drink with me! I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet!” you encouraged, holding out the glass. Andy sighed but reluctantly took the glass and took a sip from it. “Thank you! Now, for the best part, you wanna know who told my sister I work here? No? That’s fine, it’s less climatic if you guess. It was Mary!” you beamed as Andy dropped his head in frustration. “Do you wanna know why she told her? Because she’s convinced that you’re in love with me! She called me last week, for what has to be the millionth fucking time, about it and I fucking snapped. So, in return, she ratted me out. Didn’t think the little bitch had it in her, but well fucking played,” you muttered before taking another sip of your drink.

“Sweetheart, please-”

“But I keep telling her you don’t love me, because you don’t. If you loved me, you wouldn’t only see me here, you wouldn’t pay me for my fucking company, and you wouldn’t have fucked Madison senseless last week, little cunt. Oh! That reminds me, since you fucked hers so good last week, she’s under the impression that you’re gonna put me out to pasture soon, so I guess I should really make our last few days together pretty fucking great.”

“Stop it, Sweetheart. Just stop it. Nothing is changing any time soon.”

“You paid me $10,000, but you were busy with her, so I guess I didn’t really earn the whole thing, did I? Should I give you back $5,000? $6,000? Wanna make sure I’m being fair about this whole thing.”

“You don’t have to give any of it back, baby. Please just-”

“Oh, hold that thought,” you interrupted as your phone started to ring and you got up to answer it. “I have a pretty good fucking idea who that could be!” you beamed as you made your way into the bedroom. “Mary! How did I fucking know?”

“Y/N, please just hear me out-”

“Oh, no tears! No tears cause guess what? Guess who’s here! Andy!” you beamed, making your way out of the room and back into the living area, putting your phone on speaker. “Say hi, Andy!”

“Sweetheart, don’t do this,” he begged softly.

“What do you mean? This is gonna be so much fucking fun! Cause you can finally tell Mary why you don’t love her! You can finally tell her what’s so fucking wrong that you just couldn’t love her back!”

“Stop it-”

“You don’t wanna say anything? That’s fine, cause I’ll say what I think! Ya know Mary, I think it’s just because you’re a selfish fucking bitch! I think it’s because you just care about your own selfish needs and wants, because it doesn’t seem to matter who you hurt in the process, just so long as you feel better about your fucking self!” you snapped.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N! I was just angry and I was drunk-”

“I was your best fucking friend you fucking snake! I’ve done nothing but go out of my fucking way for you time after time and this is how you look out for me?! This is how you tell me you love me?! You go to Vivian, of all fucking people, and you tell her?! After everything she fucking did?!”

“Please, just hear me out-”

“No, because there’s nothing you can fucking say that will justify the way you betrayed me! Even if Andy does love me, even if I have feelings for him, did you really think I would hurt you like that?! That I would try and have something with him even though it would hurt you?! Break your heart?! I’m not you!”

“Y/N-”

“You’re fucking dead to me, Mary. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t come the fucking funeral, don’t ask about me, just stay the fuck away!” you yelled before hanging up the phone and throwing it across the room.

“Sweetheart, take a deep breath,” Andy begged as he made his way towards you.

“I’m fine! Fan-fucking-tastic!”

“Stop it, just stop it,” he sighed as he tried to wrap his arms around you.

“You stop, because I’m fine. We’ll do exactly what you pay me for.”

“Y/N-”

“What Andy? What? You’re the reason she fucked me over, the least I can fucking do is actually let you fuck me. You pay me $10,000, so I may as well just let you fuck me, finally. She thinks we’re fucking all the time anyway, so lets just fucking do it!”

“Sweetheart,” he sighed heavily. “you should know better by now...just come here.”

“No! I’m fine!” you started to cry as you backed away from him. Andy said nothing as he kept coming towards you. “Stop it!” you yelled as you backed yourself into a wall, tears now streaming freely. When he finally wrapped his arms around you, you fought against him. “I don’t need your sympathy because I’m fine!” you yelled, trying to fight against him.

“Baby, you’re not fine. Just calm down,” he cooed, not breaking his hold as he gently stroked your back.

“I’m fine!” you repeated, finally giving in to him. “I’m fine,” you sobbed.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he cooed and you could hear the strain in his voice.

At some point he picked you up, carried you to the bed, and laid you down gently. When he went to walk away, you pulled him back to you.

“Don’t,” he warned softly.

“But I want to.”

“You’re drunk, Sweetheart.”

“So what? I still want to.”

“If you still want to when you’re sober, I’ll be more than happy to, but you need to lay down right now.”

“Andy-”

“Just rest, Sweetheart,” he told you gently, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead before walking away.

You were in and out of sleep that night, mainly because you just wanted to feel Andy. Even if it was just him holding you, you wanted him close. At some point, you woke up to him yelling at someone.

His tone was throwing you off, and you couldn’t tell if he was yelling at Mary or Laurie.

“How could you do that to her?! She’s supposed to be your best friend!”

Mary.

“It doesn’t fucking matter what you think of me!...See, this is part of the fucking problem! This is why I can’t fucking love you! You don’t think about the things you say or do! You don’t fucking hold yourself accountable for anything! You have your own ideas, try to force them on everyone, then get mad when things don’t go the way you think they should!...She was your best friend! Despite what happened between us, you had no right to railroad her life like that! On top of everything else, now she has to deal with this too?! ..Good! You should feel like shit!...I don’t wanna fucking hear it, Mary. I’m done with you...no, I fucking mean it this time. Don’t call or text this number again!”

You stared at the ceiling as you tried to keep your emotions at bay, but you now had a million more questions rolling around in your head. Had they been talking the whole time? Was he seeing her? Had he fucked her recently?

“You’re up,” Andy smiled softly.

“Water,” was all you responded with before sitting up, quickly realizing that you were still very drunk.

“I’ll get it for you,” he chuckled softly.

The question left your mouth before you could stop it. “Have you been seeing her the entire time?’

“Ah, so you heard that,” he sighed as he made his way back inside, putting the water down beside you. “I wasn’t seeing her. She text me about a week after we started this, and asked me why I chose you. I told her I liked you. I liked the way you carried yourself, I liked your smile, I liked your subtle way of rejecting men, I liked your laugh...I liked you. Of course, she didn’t like that and wanted me to break it off and I told her no. We argued and she hung up on me. A few days later, she text me and asked if we could have dinner and I told her I don’t think it would be a good idea, but she insisted, so I met her for dinner. We talked, she cried, and we came to the conclusion that I was going to keep seeing you. She tried to talk me into going back to her place with her, I said no, and she left. She’s been texting me on and off, I’m assuming when she’s drunk, but I haven’t been responding,” he finished, getting beside you. “How do you feel?”

“Drunk, angry, and hungry.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“You’re already taking care of me, please don’t feed me,” you muttered, taking a sip of water. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize for anything,” he quickly interrupted.

“I need to though, because that...that was bad.”

“You’ve been holding a lot in and you have a lot going on. That would’ve sent anyone over the edge because it was fucked up. I obviously don’t know the whole story, but she does. She had no right to do that to you.”

“Still...I had a fucking meltdown,” you groaned, laying your head on his shoulder as he laughed softly.

“Yeah, now I know how much to avoid your bad side.”

“As if you don’t already,” you chuckled softly. “Andy?”

“Hmm?”

“What are we doing?”

“Lets not get into that right now,” he sighed.

“Why not? We need to. I asked you if you love me and you couldn’t give me an answer.”

“Y/N-” ”Andy, was she right? Do you love me?”

“No,” he sighed “but I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings for you. Strong feelings for you which is why I told you just take those days to yourself, because I just needed to distance myself from you. I don’t want to stop but I can’t keep spending all my time with you, because if I do...”

“If you do, what?”

“I will fall in love with you and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna fall in love with anyone else ever again,” he mumbled before getting out of bed and making himself a drink.

“Then why don’t we just stop now?”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore,” you mumbled, just as frustrated as he was.

“Well, do you love me?”

“No, I don’t believe I do, but I do like you. I like you to the point that it pisses me off that you fucked Madison, of all people.”

“Yeah well, she’s fired anyway.”

“Andy! What did you do?!”

“She shouldn’t have said what she said to you,” he shrugged as he got back in next you.

“Andy, you can’t just have people fired because I don’t like them.”

“I can and I did.”

“For fucks sake,” you whined, getting close to him. “Andy, you’re gonna make everyone here hate me.”

“Then don’t work here anymore. You barely work here now.”

“Stop, don’t start that,” you quickly dismissed.

“I can take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I’m well aware, but you don’t have to.”

“You just said you don’t want a relationship or to fall in love again. Don’t set me up just to hurt me.”

“Just because I don’t want those things doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you.”

“I’m fine as I am now.”

“No you’re not.”

“I don’t wanna argue about this.”

“Just...just think about it, okay?”

“No, because that means that I am yours and I don’t wanna be some ready made whore.”

“You wouldn’t be!”

“Yes, I would be. I basically am now, since you pay me to only see you while you get to see whoever you want.”

“If you’re that so hard on about it, you can see other guys,” he muttered and he didn’t do much to hide the irritation in his tone.

“You say that but you’re already pissed at the thought.”

“You’re right, lets not argue about this tonight,” he huffed. “What do you wanna eat?”

“Nothing.”

“Stop it. You need to eat.”

“I’m fine.”

“Jesus Y/N!”

“What Andy?! What?! We’re two idiots in like with each other and neither one of us wants to be. You don’t wanna stop and I don’t wanna stop, but we’re also trying to keep this as ‘just friends’. How fucking stupid are we?!” you exclaimed.

Andy sighed in defeat and hung his head. “I won’t take up so much of your time and I won’t get mad-”

“Yes you will, just like I’ll get upset when you sleep with other women. Lets not fucking lie to ourselves. I’m too drunk and too tired.”

“Then what do you propose we do?”

“Stop. I don’t like it and you don’t either, but I don’t see any other way.”

“So, I’m just supposed to watch every other guy flirt with you and be okay with it?”

“I’m supposed to watch other women sleep with you and be okay with it?”

“What will make you happy?”

“If you kiss me,” you stated softly.

“Don’t.”

“You asked me.”

“It goes against your rules.”

“I let you fuck me with a vibrator, I send you nudes, I blow you, I let you spit in my mouth, I send you videos...I’m pretty sure we’re way past my fucking rules.”

“I told you before, not while you’re-”

“I’m not asking you to fuck me, I’m asking you to kiss me. You asked me what will make me happy, and being kissed by you will make me happy.”

Andy was hesitant before he dipped down and kissed you softly. The kiss was soft and sweet, but it wasn’t enough for you. You pulled him closer and deepened it, sliding your tongue across his bottom lip.

In no time at all, you were straddling him and making out with him, grinding your hips against his as his hands travel up your bare back.

“We should stop,” Andy husked as you two broke apart. “We should stop before I can’t.”

“Just a little bit more please, Daddy?”

“You’re nothing but trouble when you’re drunk,” he chuckled darkly. “You know exactly what you do to me but you keep pushing.”

“If you really want me to stop, I’ll stop,” you told him honestly.

“Like I said earlier, baby. If you still want this when you’re sober, I’ll be more than happy to do whatever you want over and over again. Until then,”

“I’ll wait,” you whined as he chuckled.

“You’re so fucking sexy, did you know that?”

“You have said it a time or two.”

“Lay down, you. You need your rest.”

“I should be getting home soon-”

“I told Allison about tonight and she said she’ll go to your place and ask...Gloria? She’ll ask her to stay for the night.”

“How pissed was Allison?”

“She said she’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.”

“Fucking great,” you muttered, slowly getting off of him and settling yourself under the covers.

“Just sleep for now, Sweetheart,” Andy told you softly before pressing a kiss into your hair.

From that night on, you and Andy did your best to try and distance yourselves from one another. Andy still paid you the same, but let you go back to serving tables. It’s not as if you were happy about the return, because every guy thought they’d be able to take you upstairs. There was no one who believed you hadn’t slept with Andy, no matter what either of you said, but you were beyond caring. Nothing was getting better at home and you knew your days with were coming to an end.

It didn’t help that, with you going back to serving tables, Andy went back to sleeping with the other girls. On those nights, he made it a point to avoid you and you knew it was because he didn’t want to make you upset. However, you had both decided that, if were going to keep seeing each other as you were, you were both going to need to stop spending so much time together.

With that being said, Tuesdays and Fridays are your favorite days, because they’re the days you two reserve for each other.

“Fuck! Daddy, I love it when you eat my pussy!” you whimper, clawing at his back as you arch your own.

You caved about two weeks after “the incident” and decided that you two needed physical contact. No, he still hadn’t fucked you, but you two always found ways around that.

“Gonna cum for you so soon! Please!” you moan, your release building up.

Andy slides two fingers into your soaked pussy, while his tongue focuses all of its attention on your clit, his grip on your right thigh getting painfully tighter, only adding to your pleasure.

“Fuck!” you yell, cumming all over his fingers, tossing your head back as the relief of your release washes over you.

Andy fucks you with his fingers a little bit longer before removing his finger and holding them up for you to lick and suck clean, while he continued to clean up the mess between your legs.

“Made me wait so fucking long to taste this pussy,” he pants when he finally decides he’s finished.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy,” you moan as he kisses up your body, stopping to lick and suck on each of your nipples, before continuing a trail up to your lips, kissing you deeply. You run your hands through his hair, loving how obsessed he is with every inch of you, trying to bring him as close to you as possible.

“I missed you, Sweetheart,” he breathes hotly against your ear as one of his hands travels down between your legs. “Missed you so fucking much.”

“I missed you too! Shit!” you hiss, feeling yourself come to life for him again.

“Yeah? Did you let any of those assholes down there touch you?”

“N-no! No one can touch me besides you, Daddy!”

“Such a good little slut for me,” he groans as you start to stroke him. “Fuck baby!”

“Any of the other girls get you excited as I do?”

“You know they don’t, baby. They can’t even come close, fuck! Just like that!,” he moans into your neck before biting and sucking on the part of it that always makes you crazy for him.

“Andy! Andy please!” you beg, clawing down his back. “Fuck, I need it! Need to feel you, all of you!” you beg.

That has him stopping.

“Sweetheart...?”

“I’m ready, Andy. I need to feel you,” you pant sincerely.

“Baby, are you sure?”

“I want you, Andy. All of you,” you tell him as you cup his face.

“Get dressed, baby,” he tells you as he forces himself upright and gets off the bed.

“W-what?”

“Our first time, your first time, isn’t gonna be in some fucking whore house. I-”

“Watch it,” you warn, sitting up and searching for your panties.

“You know what I mean. This isn’t the place for something like that. This isn’t the place for us.”

“It’s where we met,” you counter before pulling your skirt on then grabbing your bra and putting it on.

“Stop arguing and follow me out,” he smirks before pinning you against the wall and kissing you deeply.

“I don’t wanna wait anymore, Andy,” you breathe once you two break apart.

“It’s gonna be worth it, I promise.”

You quickly finish getting dressed before Andy leaves and you follow behind a few minutes after.

“Is everything okay?” Lindsey asks as you step out of the elevator. “Andy seemed in a rush to get out of here.”

“Yeah no, everything is fine. We just...uh...”

“Oh,” she smirks. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“if there’s anyone I trust for something like this, it’s Andy,” you confess, trying to hide your smile as your phone buzzes.

“I’m not trying to rain your parade, but you know that Mary won’t forgive you for this.”

“Well, I don’t forgive her so I don’t care.”

“She feels awful, Y/N.”

“Did she tell you that Andy called her that night and told her to never talk to her again?”

“Wait what?”

“Exactly, she doesn’t feel bad because she should. She feels bad because Andy won’t talk to her, and she think he’ll warm up to her if she makes nice to me. Linds, I’m not dumb. I know the whole place think we’re in love, but we’re not. We have an understanding. He does his own thing and I do mine. Of course, we both like each other, a lot, but he doesn’t want a relationship and I don’t want my heart broken. That’s why things are the way they are. We both have a clear understanding of what things are.”

“He fucks other girls but you don’t fuck other guys?”

“Because I don’t want to. I barely wanted to fuck Andy before I got to know him,” you scoff.

“Just be careful, babe. Be careful and have fun,” she smiles at you.

You give her big hug before practically running out of the building and to your car. You check your phone to see that Andy’s sent you to the address to the place he wants you to meet him at and you can’t help but feel relief that it’s not his house.

You’d dropped him off a time or two when he’d been too drunk to get himself home (too upset with Laurie and some of the choices he’d made), and even that always made you terrified. Yeah, Andy swears he’s in open marriage but, somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re never sure if you can truly believe that. People will say anything to get what they want.

Your phone buzzes again while you’re at a stop light and the smile on your face quickly falls away when you see who it’s from.

Twin Flame: Please talk to me. I’m so fucking sorry and, if you could just hear me out, I really think we can work this out. Please, I miss you.

Y/N: Fuck off.

When you finally reach your destination, those damn butterflies appear all over again. You feel strange and you don’t know why. It’s not like you and Andy been physical (what feels like ) a million times before, so why does this have you so nervous?

You jump as your phone goes off, forcing you out of your thoughts.

“Where are you?” Andy asks as soon as you answer.

“In the parking lot.”

“Then why don’t I see you?”

“Where are you?” you chuckle, making your way to the entrance of the lavish hotel.

“In the lobby,” he responds and you can hear the smirk in his voice.

“You’re such a smart ass,” you scoff.

“And you’re slow. Get your gorgeous ass in here,” he chides before hanging up.

You quickly make your way inside and the moment Andy spots you, he makes his way over to you and kisses you deeply, clearly not caring about the lobby full of people.

“Andy,” you breathe softly with a small chuckle as you two break away “someone could see.”

“So what? Who cares?”

“You will when we’re done.”

Andy opens his mouth to say something, but stops short and chuckles instead. “Lets get to our room, huh?”

You don’t miss the way the older receptionist looks at you with pure disgust, and you can’t blame her. Andy is older and wearing a wedding ring, and you? Well, your outfit isn’t in the least bit modest, no wedding ring, and you don’t look old enough to be the wife who lost your ring.

“Is there a problem?” Andy asks, noticing how uncomfortable you are.

“No problem at all, Mr. Barber,” the woman quickly smiles as she hands him the room key.

“Leave her alone, Andy,” you mutter, knowing the he’ll have no issue with seeing to it that she gets fired.

Andy looks from you to the woman before nodding. “Thank you,” is all he says before taking your hand and walking off.

“What was that about?” you ask as soon as you two are in the elevator.

“I didn’t like how she was looking at you, and I didn’t like how uncomfortable you were.”

“Andy, it’s not like we’re a couple. There’s a wedding ring on your finger and there isn’t one on mine. I don’t blame her,” you shrug.

“Stop that.”

“Stop what? Telling the truth?”

“Sweetheart, we don’t say it, but we know this is more than just some arrangement at this point. What I decide to do with my time away from Laurie isn’t anyone’s concern. When I’m with you, you’re my main concern.”

“I’m sure you say that to all the girls,” you chuckle humorlessly.

“Let me fix that; no matter what I do with anyone else, you’re my main concern,” he corrects with a stern voice as his intense gaze softens on you.

“Andy-”

“You know you mean so much to me. Too much to me. Stop saying you’re some mistress, because we both know you aren’t,” he states as the elevator finally reaches the top floor.

“As long as you’re married-”

“Jacob graduates soon, and when he does, my marriage is over. That’s what Laurie wanted, so that’s what she’s getting.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I want nothing more.”

“Then what happens?”

“With what?”

“Oh, don’t play coy now,” you smirk as you two reach the hotel room.

“I’m not going to lie and say I’ll want a relationship, because I’m still not there. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be, but I know how I feel about you. I know that I won’t want to stop seeing you, and I hope you won’t want to stop seeing me,” he sighs as he leans against the door. “I know I’m a wreck, Y/N. I never told you I wasn’t, but you...there’s just something about you and I can’t let you go. I don’t want to. I like having you to myself, the way you look at me when you’re fighting the urge to kiss me, the way you roll your eyes when you’re fed up but trying to be polite. I like how loyal you are, how strong and independent you are, how generous you are, how feisty you are...I like you, Y/N. I like you a lot. I don’t do things like this. You see how I do things. I take what I want and I leave. I don’t care how anyone else feels as long as I get my way, but with you...God, I just wanna make you happy.”

“Why Andy? Why me?”

“I really wish I knew, Sweetheart,” he chuckles humorlessly “then maybe I could finally figure out how to be a better man and let you go. However,” he sighs softly leaning in close and wrapping an arm your waist “I’m just not there yet and I don’t want to let you go. If you want to stop right now, I’ll understand and we won’t go a step further,” he promises quietly and sincerely, his gaze burning a hole into your soul.

“Andy...”

“I didn’t think things would get this far, Y/N. I didn’t mean for things to and I didn’t want them to. You’re the smarter of the two of us, because you keep saying that we should stop, but the thought of any of those assholes other knowing you the way I do or touching you the way I do...I’m a selfish man, Y/N. You know that.”

“What do you want me to say?” you practically beg as your desire for every part of him grows.

His heart, his mind, his soul, his body...all of him.

“I want you to tell me the truth.”

“I don’t want you to quit me and I don’t want to quit you,” you confess mindlessly, too lost in his words and your feelings to guard your heart.

He forces you to face forward before pressing his card against the door, “then lets get lost in each other tonight. Tomorrow can worry about itself,” he promises before opening the door and leading you inside the suite.

You can’t stop the gasp that escapes your lips.

“Baby-”

“It’s your real first time and our first time together. I wanted it to be special,” he chuckles softly before kissing the shell of your ear.

“You didn’t have to do all of this,” you marvel as you look around the room.

They’re black and deep red rose petals scattered around the room, champagne and your favorite wine, small candles lighting up the room, and one of your favorite songs is playing on the little speaker set up in the corner for you.

“Andy...this must have cost-”

“Don’t worry about the cost. Besides, the hotel owner owes me a few favors.”

“How many people owe you favors, Andy?”

“Do you like the things I get you? The things I do for you?”

“Yes but-”

“Then don’t worry about it, Darlin’,” you whispers into your ear as he wraps his arms around you and pulls you close to him. “Are you sure you want this?”

“No,” you chuckle softly, “but not being with you...not being with you completely...I don’t like it, Andy. I know that we’re not together, but I want as much of you as I can have. I know this is a bad idea, but I just...you make me happy. When you’re not being an asshole,” you laugh softly as he chuckles. “You make me so happy and I just wanna live in that happiness for a bit. None of this is ideal, or how I pictured it in my head a million times, but I’m with you. I’m with you and that’s all that matters.”

Andy starts to trail kisses down your neck to your shoulder and you’re embarrassed by how excited you are by the simple gesture. It’s not something he hasn’t done before, but everything feels different. You two have been more vulnerable and honest with each other in this moment than you have been the entire time you’ve been seeing each other.

“Andy...does this mean as much to you as it does to me?” You question desperately as you lull your head back onto his shoulder.

“Maybe more,” he husks as he unzips your skirt. “The way I feel for you...it terrifies me, Sweetheart,” he confesses as he slides his hand down your panties. “But I just can’t fucking quit you, because you’re so fucking perfect. Perfect for me,” he groans, starting to rub your clit.

“Andy,” you moan, your back arching a bit at the pleasure he’s making you feel.

“I want tonight to be perfect for you, because you’re always so fucking perfect for me. I just wanna make you happy, baby.”

He turns you around and kisses you deeply, as you get to work on getting the button and zipper on his pants open before forcing his pants down. He slowly walks you both over to the bed, never breaking the kiss, as his hands slide underneath your shirt and unhook your bra.

“Andy,” you moan as he trails kisses down to your shoulder again, “I need you, please.”

“Soon baby, I promise,” he moans, getting on his knees as you lift up your shirt. “Just wanna taste you a little bit more. The fucking sounds you make...fuck,” he groans, pulling your panties down. “I’m gonna make you feel so good tonight, baby.”

Andy’s tongue is on your clit before you have a chance to respond, and it makes you mindlessly numb. You use one hand to grip the bed as the other grips his hair. You can’t stop yourself from pulling him impossibly closer as you start to grind yourself against him, needing more of him as you always do.

“You’re so fucking good to me, baby, so fucking good,” you whimper as you feel yourself coming undone.

Andy slides two fingers into your aching cunt, and without even moving within you, it’s more than enough to send you over the edge. You can’t tell if it’s because you’ve been dreaming of having him to yourself just like this for the past month, or if it’s because you’re so excited to finally have him away from everyone and truly all to yourself. Your need for him is stronger than ever.

“Fuck, you’re so needy tonight, baby,” he huffs once he finishes cleaning you up.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t you fucking dare apologize, I fucking love it,” he smiles devilishly. “Get on the bed for me, Sweetheart,” he instructs, “get on the bed and take your shirt off,” he demands softly before removing his own.

As you settle into the center of the bed, the reality of what’s about to happen hits you hard. You’re very aware of how naked you are as Andy kisses up your body. Your brain is telling you to call it off and to run for the door.

“Hey, be here with me,” he coos softly as he cups your face in his hands. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to, so bad, I just...is this a bad idea?”

“Probably,” he chuckles humorlessly, “but I don’t care. I’m self destructive anyway. I just wanna be with you, Y/N. I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow and I don’t wanna think about it. All I know is that, right now, I have you to myself. There’s no pretending, no lying, you’re not working, and I’m not trying to forget about shit that still hurts. It’s just us, Sweetheart. If you don’t want to do this, I’m perfectly fine with that. I’m happy to just be here with you and hold you. I’m just happy just to have you to myself for a little while,” he states sincerely, his loving gaze cast on you.

You cup his face and pull him close before kissing him deeply. “Show me how happy you are to be with me, then,” you tell him softly once you two break away.

Andy dips down and kisses you again while slowly pushing himself inside of you. You hiss a little as you try to get used to his size. Yeah, he’s fucked you with toys that are almost his size, but none of them are exact.

Or real.

“Jesus,” he husks as he bottoms out, “you feel better than I ever imagined,” he moans as he starts to move within you slowly.

“Andy,” you moan softly as you start to move your hips with his, gipping him tight. “God, yes!”

“Shit, just like that baby. You’re so fucking good for me,” he praises as he starts to pick up his pace. Using one hand, he pushes himself up a little and gazes down at you, never breaking his stroke. “You’re so fucking beautiful, did you know that?”

“Baby please,” you whine, unable to handle the heat of his gaze and your excitement starting to build as you pull him close to you, needing to feel as much of him as possible. “I need to feel you!”

“I’ve thought about having you just like this for so long,” he grunts, his hand sliding between the both of you. “All mine, below me, and desperate,” he grunts he starts playing with your most sensitive bud. “Desperate for only me.”

“Fuck!”

“And I’m gonna give you everything you want,” he promises hotly against your ear before biting the shell of it.

“Andy...you’re so fucking good to me! Please, I’m so fucking close!”

As his pace quickens, he starts to bite and suck on the part of your neck that drives you insane, and you’re more than sure he plans on leaving a mark.

“Fuck!” you cry out, your nails digging into his back as you cum hard.

“There’s my good girl,” he smirks down at you before flipping you both so you’re on top. “I wanna watch you get yourself off on my cock.”

“Andy I-”

“I’ll guide you, baby. Don’t worry,” he encourages as he places his hands on your hips and gently starts to guide you. You bite your bottom lip, suppressing a moan as you place your hands on his chest and slowly start to grind your hips against his. “Fuck, just like that, Sweetheart,” he groans.

His gaze on you is intense and you feel like, just for a moment, you two are the only two in the world. You belong to one another, even if it’s only for a little while.

“Shit, you stretch me so fucking good, Andy!” you whimper as you start to pick up your pace.

“Yeah baby? You like the way I fuck this tight little pussy?”

“I fucking love the way you fuck me! I love the way you pull me apart for your own pleasure!”

“Jesus, Y/N! Keep it up and I’m gonna cum!” he warns with a deep growl as his hands travel your up your body, stopping at your breasts, starting to massage them.

“Fuck, that’s what I want, baby! Cum deep inside this pussy! I wanna feel you! Need it!”

“Shit!” he growls, kneading your nipples between his fingers. “The way this fucking cunt is squeezing me...shit!”

“Please baby!”

“Fuck!”

As his seed spills into you, his name leaves your lips like a silent prayer as you get lost in your euphoric pleasure. It’s not the first time Andy’s given you an orgasm, but it’s never been like this. Your whole body feels as if it’s been blown apart and put back together in the most pleasurable way. The fact that you don’t want the feeling to leave you has you terrified, because you’re now aware just how much you truly care for Andy.

“We’re...we’re done, right? This is all you wanted from me?” you question, the words breaking your own heart as you look down and meet his gaze.

You seen the pain in his eyes for a split second before he masks it and a sly smirk comes to his face. “Oh Sweetheart, we’re just getting started.”

Andy fucks you in every part of the hotel room he can, only stopping when you tell him that you need to get home. He’s reluctant to let you go, but he quietly watches you get dressed as he drinks a glass of wine while laying in bed.

You go to leave before turning to face him. Against your better judgment, you walk over to him and kiss him deeply. When you takes your face in his hands he runs his fingers through your hair. For a split moment, you contemplate staying.

But you know that’ll make everything that much more worse and complicated.

“Thank you for tonight. Everything was perfect,” you breathe against his lips as you two break apart.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know baby, but we both know I have to. For multiple reasons.”

“We can meet here on Tuesday.”

“Andy-”

“It’s not like you want anyone knowing that you’re not a virgin anymore, and I don’t want to share you with those other assholes.”

“I share you with half the club.”

“Y/N-”

“See, this is why I need to go. Tonight was perfect and lets just leave it at that.”

“Don’t leave mad.”

“I’m not mad, Andy. I’m just back in touch with reality. I’ve gotta go, babe,” you sigh before kissing his lips and walking away.

The entire drive back to your house, you’re at war with yourself over the choice you made. Andy isn’t yours and you’re more than sure that he’ll never be. However, you can’t find yourself regretting the choice you’ve made because you were with Andy, and despite everything, there’s no one else you trust more.

“You seem to be coming home later these days,” your mother coughs as walk into the living area.

“Work is something else, what can I say?” you sigh, sitting down beside her bed.

“That or you finally met someone,” she smiles softly.

“I met someone I can never be with, so please don’t get excited,” you scoff.

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated.”

“My brain may not work as well as it used to, but it’s still got some juice.”

“Don’t worry about it, mom. I’ll get over it.”

“Listen, you and I both know I don’t have much time left-”

“Mom-”

“Just listen to me, babygirl. We both know I don’t have much time left and I just don’t want you to be alone. Mary came by today and told me you two had a falling out that was her fault. You won’t talk to your sister or father and now you’re falling for a guy. I just want you to be okay when I’m gone. I know you’re strong and can make it on your own, but that doesn’t mean you have to be,” she says softly.

“Lets just watch the movie, Ma,” you smile as a single tear escapes from your eye. “This is the best part.”

As you both slowly fall asleep, your brain is at war with your heart. Andy means more to you than you ever wanted him to, and you find little solace in the fact that he feels the same. He can get rid of you at any time and then what? Why did you let it get this far?

As these thoughts and more run through your head, you fall asleep hoping that there may be a silver lining for you somewhere...and that it’ll show itself soon.

Andy’s P.OV.

“Who is she?!” Laurie yells for what feels like the hundredth time, as she follows me into the bedroom.

“She’s someone who is none of your concern. Why were you going through my phone?”

“It kept going off!”

“That doesn’t explain why you went through it, Laurie.”

“I went to answer it and when I grabbed it, it stopping ringing. I saw the name ‘Angel’ in your texts and I got curious-”

“So decided to make yourself upset and go through my shit and now you’re mad at me? Mad at me for doing the same thing you’re doing?”

“Is she where all of the money is going?”

“Lower your voice, Jacob is home,” I warn as I take off my tie. “I don’t owe you an explanation, Laurie. This is the set up you wanted and in 2 months, we won’t even be married. So drop it.”

“No! I’ve been trying for months to try and fix the mess I made-”

“Exactly! The mess you made! What did I do when I found in bed with James? I fucking tried to make it work! I loved you! I loved you and I took responsibility for everything that happened, and you didn’t want me! You didn’t want our life anymore! Now, you’re getting what you want and you’re still not happy!”

“I thought this is what I wanted! I fucked up, Andy and I’m sorry!”

“You know what makes this all that much worse? This woman that you find yourself hating, for absolutely no reason, is fucking amazing! She’s amazing and I want to love her and commit, but I fucking can’t because of you!”

“Doesn’t that mean there’s still a chance for us?”

“You’re not understanding me!” I snap, no longer giving a damn that Jacob can hear us and finally hear about whats been going on for the last few years. “It’s not because I still love you, it’s because you fucking ruined me! Jesus, do you think of anyone but yourself? Honestly, do you even care that you fucking crushed my heart?”

“Andy, if you could just-”

“I need to go for a drive,” I huff, pulling out of her hold.

“Please just stay and talk to me.”

“I can’t Laurie. Not right now. I just fucking can’t,” I sigh before slamming the door shut and walking out.

“Is everything alright?” Jacob asks as soon as I reach the landing.

“No, no they aren’t. In fact, they’re far from all right.”

“Dad, what’s-”

“We’ll talk about it when I get back,” I mutter as I hear Laurie starting to cry.

“Dad...is this my fault? Did I-”

“You did nothing wrong,” I smile sincerely before pulling him in for a tight hug, “things just change. People change.”

“Are you coming home early tonight?”

“I’ll back in a couple hours, bud. We can watch a movie or play chess. I still have to kick your ass from the last time,” I chuckle softly and Jacob laughs too. “No matter what, everything’s gonna be fine, okay? I don’t want you worrying about us when you’re so close to finally getting out of this hell hole.”

“Dad are you-”

“Everything’s fine. Don’t worry,” I promise as I clear my throat, taking a look at the grown man that once used to beg Laurie and I to stay up with him for 5 more minutes to watch cartoons.

Things really do change.

“I’ll be back in a little, bud,” I smile before patting his shoulder and walking out.

The minute I get in my car I pull out my phone and text you because, if I’m being honest with myself, you’re the reason for my outburst. It’s been two weeks since we fucked and you refuse to meet at the hotel. It’s not like I can say you’re in the wrong, because we did fuck up.

I fucked up.

I knew better than to give in to what I want, but everything about is all consuming. It’s not even just the sex. For a moment in time, we can pretend. We can pretend and it’s just us. You make every part of me come to life, and if I could, I’d spend every moment of ever day with you.

It’s never lost on me that I wouldn’t have even met you if you didn’t want to take care of your mother. Who the fuck does that? Who the hell is that selfless?

Andy: Is there any way that I can see you tonight?

Angel: Andy, it’s Saturday. You know I can’t.

Andy: Well when?

Angel: You see me Tuesday-Friday.

Andy: Is there no way you can see me tonight? Even for just five minutes?

Angel: Baby, what’s wrong?

Andy: What isn’t wrong.

Angel: Andy.

Andy: Laurie went through my phone.

Angel: Fuck.

Andy: Yeah, she’s pretty pissed and it led to a big argument. I said some things...I said them out of anger I shouldn’t have. I just need to see you.

Angel: Things aren’t going well today. I can give you 10 minutes at most.

Andy: That’s more than enough time.

Angel: Meet me by the water front?

Andy: I’ll see you there

Here I go again, asking too much of you, and here you are not making a fuss. Why can’t I just let go? Why can’t I just give myself to you, the way you deserve? It’s not like I don’t think about it every second of every day. I can barely even fuck the other girls, because I know it hurts you, even without you saying anything.

It’s not fair of me to ask you to only be with me while I fuck away my feelings, but I just can’t bear the thought of you being with someone else. I see it every time you look at me. The things you want to say but won’t, the longing, the hate, the passion, the begging, the desire, the pain...I see all of it.

I see all of it because I feel all of the same things. I feel it all and it makes me feel like shit.

So what do I do? I offer you all of the things you could care less about, because it’s easier to do that than give you my heart and soul. It’s easier to guard myself than to try again.

If your Mother wasn’t sick, you wouldn’t care about money. You don’t care about jewelry, you don’t care about flowers, and you don’t care about sweet nothings because it’s hard for you to believe what anyone says.

However, all of it is coming from me. The sweet words, the flowers, the jewelry...if it wasn’t from me, it wouldn’t matter at all to you. You tell me all the time about how I have nothing to worry about because none of the guys who try to buy attention have anything to offer, but I know it’s different with me. It’s not-

“What happened?” you ask as you tap on the driver’s window.

It takes me a split second before opening the door, pulling you in and onto my lap, and closing it again. “Why can’t we just live together?”

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“She knows and I can’t just make her leave, no much how I want her to.”

“I thought you were going to give her the house.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I sigh, resting my head in your shoulder as you adjust yourself on my lap. “Why can’t we just stay this way forever?” I sigh before kissing your neck. “Lets just leave right now-”

“Please don’t, Andy,” you moan, your grip on my thigh tightening a little.

God, I love the things you do to me.

“Lets meet at the hotel on Tuesday,” I press, kissing down your neck as my hand travels between your leg. “I need you.”

“Andy-”

“Sweetheart...I know. I know and I’m sorry, but I need you. Every part of you and I need you to myself.”

“Will it make you happy?” you ask innocently as your hand caresses my arm.

Why do I have to be such an asshole? “Anytime I get to spend with you makes me happy, Sweetheart. You know this.”

“I know, but will it make you feel better?”

“Only if you want to.”

“You know it’s not a matter of me not wanting to,” you sigh and the heaviness in your tone matches the heaviness in my heart. “It’s because we are what we are.”

“Yeah, that’s my fault too. Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” I grumble into your shoulder.

I really wish I could tell you just how much I care for you. Care about you. I want to make you the center of my universe and take care of you until my last breath leaves my body.

I wanna tell you that I love you and that I always will.

But I can’t.

“Don’t apologize because it’s not like I’m any better. I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m still desperate to make you happy. I’m just as dumb as you are. I have to go though, baby.”

“It’s been 10 minutes already?”

“It’s been 15,” you scoff. “I’ll meet you at the hotel on Tuesday, okay?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah baby, I gotta go,” you sigh before kissing me.

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I pull you closer and deepen it, not ready to let you go yet.

It’s never been lost on me just how truly selfish I am.

For just a moment, you let me explore you as we both get lost it each other. Just like we always do. Once I start tugging at the hem of your shorts, you force yourself to break away, and it’s just as painful as when you leave me.

“Tuesday baby, I gotta go,” you breathe, your grip on me still tight as you try and calm down.

“Please wear these shorts.”

“I promise I will,” you chuckle softly before kissing my cheek one final time and opening the car door and getting out.

As I watch you start your car and drive away, i can’t help but try and think of the last time I was ever this excited to see someone and make plans to see them again, but not a single time comes to mind.

What are you doing to me?

**

“Fuck! Andy! Just like that, please don’t stop!” you moan as Andy fucks you senseless from behind.

The moment you walked through the door, Andy was all over you. It caught you off guard, because you’re never sure of his feelings for you. Sure, you believe he cares about you to an extent, but it’s still an arrangement. He pays you, he fucks you, then goes home to his wife. It would be easier to believe some of the things he says if things felt like they were changing even a little. You wanna let yourself fall for him, but he’s just too much of a risk.

Yet, here you are on your hands and knees for the man you can’t get out of your head, or heart.

“Fuck, you’re such a good girl for me, baby! You take me so well,” he grunts, his grip on your hips getting tighter. “I missed you so much, baby! Missed the way you explode for me, the sounds you make, this tight little cunt...I missed everything about you!”

“Jesus, that’s it!” you cry out as he finds the spot deep within you that makes you come undone for him. “I missed you too, Andy! So much!” you confess, the pleasure once again becoming mind numbing and you forget to keep your guard up. “Thought about nothing but being with you tonight since the last time I saw you!”

“Yeah? You love seeing me, Angel?” he taunts as one of his hands travels down between your legs and starts to teasingly rub your swollen clit.

“Ye-yes, Andy! Fuck! I’m so fucking close, baby! Please...shit!”

“I love the way you come apart for me,” he husks as his movements start to become erratic and you know he’s close. “Fuck, I love you, Y/N!” he accidentally confesses as he spills his seed into you.

You don’t even have time to think on it, because his release sets off your own, while mindlessly clawing at the bed, trying to keep yourself upright. That’s the third earth shattering orgasm hes given you, and you’re not about to complain about it.

You want nothing more than to focus on all the pleasure you’re feeling, but you can’t because he said it.

He said it and you’re not sure what to think at all.

“Sweetheart,” Andy grunts as he pulls out of you and pulls you out of your thoughts “say something.”

“W-why...why did you say that?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking-”

“Andy, why would you say that? What is wrong with you?”

“Baby, if you just let me-”

“Is this a game to you? Why would you say something you don’t mean? You can’t mean?

“Y/N, please just listen to me. I just-” he starts but is interrupted by your phone ringing for the millionth time.

“Fuck,” you sigh, crawling over to the nightstand and grabbing it. “Hello?”

“I need you to come home,” Gloria, your mother’s nurse, states frantically.

“What happened? Is she okay?” you ask, slowly starting to panic yourself as you start to get dressed.

“She just keeps crying and screaming for you to come home. I can’t calm her down.”

“I’ll be there in 20,” you promise before hanging up.

“What’s wrong? How can I help?”

“I just need to get home, now. I can’t...I have to go,” you sob as you finish getting dressed.

“Sweetheart, please just-”

“You can’t call me that anymore, Andy. I can’t talk about this right now...there’s just too much...I gotta go,” you explain before practically running out.

The entire time you’re driving home, you try to put everything that happened with Andy out of your mind, because you can’t deal with that and with whatever is going on with your mother at the same time. By the time you get home, you’re mother is in full on hysterics and it takes both you and Gloria the rest of the night to calm her down. By the time you two calm her down and get her to sleep, you can tell her energy is all but gone from the episode.

“I think you should spend the next few days home, Honey,” Gloria states solemnly as you two stand in the doorway.

“Yeah...I think so too,” you sob softly.

“She just wants your company. We all know it won’t be long now and I think she’s just scared. She’s scared to leave you.”

“I’m scared for her to leave me,” you cry softly.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Gloria whispers as she wraps you in a tight hug “just make the best of the next few days.”

So, you do just that. You ask your sister and father to come over (at your Mother’s request), but stay in your room the entire time they’re there. You called Samantha and let her know that you’re taking the next few weeks off, and all she does is offer apologies about everything. Lindsey and Allison come by later in the week to spend time with you and your Mother, and you can’t remember the last time you saw her smile and laugh so much.

Andy keeps texting you and can’t find the energy or courage to respond. It’s been three days since the ‘I love you’ incident, and while you feel bad about ignoring him, you’re heart just can’t handle having that talk at the moment.

You can’t handle him telling you that it was an accident and he didn’t mean it.

However, you don’t find yourself all that surprised when he shows up at your doorstep on Saturday.

“How did you even find my house?” you ask softly, stepping outside and leaving the door cracked.

“Samantha,” he says simply and you know he isn’t proud of himself.

“Andy, I can’t do this right now. You can’t be here.”

“I know you have a lot going on, but the way you left that night...I never wanted to hurt or make you upset. You deserve-”

“Andy, I really can’t handle this right now. I need some time and I’ll text you in a few-”

“Sweet Pea, who’s at the door?” your Mother calls weakly from the living area.

“It’s no one, Ma.”

“If it were no one you wouldn’t be out there so long,” she teases with a small laugh. “Let them in, maybe they can help us solve the mystery to the end of ‘Grease.”

“He really can’t-”

“He? Oh, now you’ve gotta let him in!”

“Fucking great,” you mutter stepping aside. “c’mon in.”

“I don’t want to make things worse.”

“Yeah, it’s a little too late for that,” you smile sarcastically.

You don’t miss the gasp that escapes your Mother’s lips when Andy walks in, charming smile on his face. “Andy Barber, I didn’t know you knew my daughter!” she beams and you can’t help but chuckle.

Even on her deathbed, your Mother is still the most adorable proud Mother in the world.

“I met her in the grocery store one night, I shop when I can’t sleep, and we just hit it off. She’s been a really good friend to me ever since,” he smiles sincerely at your Mother and it’s hard for you not to smile at her genuine happiness.

If only you could tell her the truth.

“Well, Mr. Barber, if you-”

“Please call me Andy.”

“Andy, if you have time, I’d really like for you to join us. Besides, I’m sure Y/N could use more other company than me.”

“Ma,” you groan as Andy laughs softly.

“I’d love to spend some time with the both of you,” he smiles sheepishly at the both of you.

You hate the little flutter that happens in your heart.

“Are you sure no one will mind me trapping you here with us?” your Mother questions, and you chuckle as you shake your head, knowing what she’s getting at.

“Nah, Jacob is off with his girlfriend then staying over a friend’s house,” he scoffs.

“And your wife?” she questions, eyeing the gold band on his ring finger.

“That’s uh,” he answers awkwardly, shifting his weight to his other foot “that’s over with. This is just for show until the end of next month,” he finishes softly, before looking at you with all sincerity.

“Then, by all means, make yourself comfortable,” your Mother grins looking from you to him.

“Does anyone want anything to drink?” you question, raising an eyebrow as you kick your slippers off.

“Can I have more ice chips?” your Mother questions with a slight cough.

“You can have the moon, as well as an answer to your life’s greatest mystery,” you smile at her, gaining a small laugh. “Andy?”

“Water?”

“You seem like a bourbon guy,” your Mother states, waiving off his request for a water. “We still have bourbon, right?”

“That we do,” you laugh.

“Get him a bourbon, me some ice chips, and you some wine.”

“Ma, I don’t need-”

“Trust me, I know you don’t need it, but I know you want it. You don’t have to drink water and juice all day because I can’t have it.”

“You sure?”

“I have a feeling that one of us is gonna need to be buzzed in order to solve this case,” she smirks at you as you giggle.

“Three drinks comin’ right up,” you nod before escaping into the kitchen to make them.

You can’t remember the last time you worked so fast to get two simple drinks together, and a cup of fucking ice, but you don’t want either of them alone together for too long cause who knows what they’ll say to one another. You’re all set to bring the drinks in when your phone goes off.

“Hello?” you answer without even checking to see who it is.

“Hey Baby Doll,” your Father says softly and you can feel your heart rate speed up. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“No, not really. What do you want?”

“I uh...I um...I wanna see you for lunch next week, Kiddo,” he beams excitedly. “I know you don’t wanna have anything to do with me, which is more than understandable, but I was hoping-”

“I really can’t have this talk right now. Mom and I have company over, so I gotta go,” you say abruptly before ending the call.

You take a deep breath and take step back, doing your best to mask all signs of irritation and frustration, before clearing your throat and starting back on your short trek to the living area, only to find them laughing about something that clearly has nothing to do with the movie.

What’s so damn funny?

“Hey, that took longer than I expected,” your smiles at you with a small cough “everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just got an unexpected call,” you shrug, passing the two of them their requested drinks. “What’s so funny?”

“You,” she muses.

“Me?”

“You really used to think that carat and carrot were the same thing?” Andy laughs in pure disbelief.

“I was 6! How was I supposed to know?!” you defend, laughing yourself as you take a seat on the sofa.

“She would come in and hold up a bag of carrots and say ‘Mommy, you never have to work again! We can turn these into rings and be rich!’ , and I never had the heart to tell her,” your Mother laughs.

“Sweetheart, how did you think you’d turn the carrots into diamond rings?” Andy chuckles, trying to calm his laughing.

“She was the adult, so I figured she’d know what to do!”

“And when she wasn’t able to make them into diamond rings”

“I just thought I got bad carrots,” you shrug with a giggle as Andy laughs harder.

“Oh Baby...no,”  he sighs, catching his breath finally.

“I don’t see how this helps us solve our ‘Grease’ issue,” you mumble as a smile plays on your lips.

When you press play, your Mother and Andy quickly fall into conversation, and you let yourself almost forget who Andy really is to you at the end of the day. It’s almost easy to forget what the arrangement you two have is. It only feels so right because, in the back of your mind, it is.

If this had been any other life, or any other time, maybe you and Andy would have a fighting chance. You’d be able to introduce him as your complicated boyfriend, and your Mother would have more time to adjust to the idea. You would have more time to adjust to the idea. However, the situation is what it is, and can only enjoy what’s left of it.

No matter how much it breaks your heart.

“I genuinely think the car us able to fly away because the woman says that ‘if the car were any better condition, it would fly’. Since Danny and Sandra decided that they’re meant to be, the car has everything it needs. Oil, a good muffler, a great engine, quality breaks, and true love. True love is what put it in the best condition,” Andy shrugs before finishing off his 4th drink.

“Ya know what? That’s not a bad way to think about it. Sweet Pea, we have an answer! I can die happy,” your Mother chuckles as you roll your eyes.

“Simmer down you,” you warn, giving her a smirk. “What do you wanna watch next?”

“Oh, what’s that movie you used to love as a kid? That Disney movie.”

“Mommy....no.”

“Oh, what was it? You used to make me watch it with you every weekend! You broke the damn tape!”

“Mom!” you beg as you hear Andy start to chuckle. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“I’ve got nothin’ but time today, Sweetheart,” he smirks at you.

“The Little Mermaid!”

“Mom...please don’t do this to me,” you whine as Andy bursts out laughing. “I’ll do anything, just please...no!”

“I haven’t seen it in so long! Lets watch it!”

“Yes, I think we should,” Andy agreed once he caught his breath.

“Oh no you don’t,” you quickly correct, turning to face him. “If you’re gonna stay here and watch the little bit dignity I have left quickly fall away, you’re getting us food.”

“I’ll happily get you food if it means I get to watch you sing Disney songs.”

“I will not be singing along!”

“Oh yes you will,” your Mother giggles.

“The two of you together is no good,” you snip at her sarcastically and she laughs.

“You want the usual?” Andy asks, taking out his phone.

“Yes please. Oh! Ask them for chopsticks please!” you beg as Andy smirks and shakes his head.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Eh, I’m not supposed to, but I’ll have an egg roll,” your Mother shrugs as you cut her a look. “What? I’m gonna die either way. I may as well eat what I want.”

“You’re very annoying, did you know that?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t ever wanna be any other way,” she teases.

“I’ll go and place the order,” Andy smiles before exiting the room.

“Your usual, huh?” your Mother smirks knowingly.

“Don’t start.”

“Hes been calling you ‘sweetheart’ and ‘baby’ since he got here.”

“That’s just how Andy talks.”

“He hasn’t called me either of those.”

“Yeah well, that’s your old.”

“I’m not that old!”

“You’re the oldest person in here,” you tease as she lets out a hearty laugh. “We’re just friends, Ma. No more and no less.”

“A mother knows, ya know.”

“There can never be anything. He’s in his own shit and I’m not strong enough to deal with it.”

“I don’t know anything about him except what comes on the TV, so I’m not gonna make a judgment, but I do see how he looks at you. How you look at him. There’s definitely something there and maybe, with time, it could be something more.”

“If only,” you smile softly, holding back your tears.

“Alright, the food has been ordered, please play ‘The Little Mermaid’,” Andy beams as he quickly makes his way back inside.

You do nothing but shake your head and look for the movie on the streaming service you always use, while your Mother starts laughing.

As she predicted, you’re singing along as soon as the first song starts playing. You hear your Mother and Andy laughing softly, but you don’t care. You can’t remember the last time you felt so safe and happy, and you feel extremely happy that you get to experience the feeling with both your Mother and Andy.

You want to live in the moment forever.

You’re barely 15 minutes into the movie before there’s a knock on the door.

“That was quick,” you say, checking your phone for the time. “I’ll get it!” you volunteer before getting up and sprinting to the door. “I think that’s the fastest we’ve ever...oh,” you say flatly when you see the person on the side of the door is Mary. “Whatever you have to say, I can’t hear right now.”

“Y/N, please, if you would just hear me out-”

“There’s literally nothing to hear. There’s nothing you can say.”

“There’s so much to say! Just give me five minutes, please!”

“No! I have nothing to say to you and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say!”

“Y/N, we’ve gotten through so many other-”

“Not like this, Mary. I don’t care how drunk you were, you fucking knew what something like that would to me. How much it would hurt me and you still decided to hurt me. I didn’t deserve that, especially from you,” you spit, your eyes watering. “Whatever you have to say, I’m not ready to hear it and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to. You don’t get to force your friendship on me because you’re lonely.”

“I’m not...I just want-”

“Hey babe, is everything...oh,” Andy stops short seeing Mary at your doorstep.

“So you two are-”

“We’re just-”

“Whatever we are or aren’t isn’t any concern of yours,” Andy interrupts harshly. “You need to leave.”

“You can’t tell me-”

“I can and I just did. She doesn’t need this right now and you’ve done enough.”

Mary looks from him to you before shaking her head and practically running off.

“Are you okay?” Andy sighs as you close the door.

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

“Sweetheart-”

“She’s having a really good day, Andy. That’s all I can focus on right now,” you state softly, looking up at him.

Andy dips down and kisses you softly as he wraps his arms around you. “I’ll answer the door next time, okay?” All you do is nod before laying your head on his chest. “Lets get back in there.”

“Just a few more minutes.”

“That’s fine too.”

You don’t care that you’re upset with Andy or completely confused by his words and actions. In this moment, it just matters that he’s here and he’s comforting you. Out of all the ways that he could’ve chosen to spend his day, he’s choosing to spend it with you and your Mother. He’s choosing to stay and make both your Mother and you happy, instead of going out and doing whatever he wants.

Andy chooses you.

You both stay there for a few more minutes before going back into the living area. You assure your Mother that every thing is fine before pressing ‘play’ on the remote, resuming the scene where she starts singing ‘Part Of Your World’. When the food finally does arrive, Andy is true to his word and answers the door.

As the night goes on, your Mother drifts in and out of sleep as the final movie of the night (Alice in Wonderland) starts playing.

“Are you okay, Mom? Do you need anything?” you ask, noticing her nod off for the 10th time.

“I’m fine, Sweet Pea. Just tired,” she smiles at you weakly. “Wanna do pancakes in the morning?”

“Mmm, I think tomorrow is gonna be more of a waffle day.”

“Pancakes are better and I’m tired of you pretending they aren’t.”

“One day you’ll know peace and I’ll be proud of you.”

“You’re such a little shit,” she laughs. “Give me a kiss goodnight.”

“So damn needy,” you tease before getting up and giving her a kiss on the cheek and the tightest hug you can muster without hurting her.

“I could stay in your hugs forever,” she murmurs, and you hear the strain in her voice.

“I think you should.”

“Don’t start that. I love you.”

“I love you, Mommy.”

“Sleep tight and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“I’ll do my best.”

You give her one more kiss and she kisses your cheek softly before letting go of you. You make your way back into your favorite spot on the sofa. You cuddle up close to Andy as he presses play on the remote and resumes the movie. You wait until you hear her soft snores before you settle in closer next to him.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly as he wraps his arms around you.

“Andy, now isn’t-”

“We don’t have to talk about it, I just want you to know...I am sorry. I didn’t mean or want to make you upset, and I never meant to make your life more complicated. I just...I’m sorry.”

“Did you mean it?” you ask softly, terrified of hearing him say ‘no’.

“I don’t know,” he sighs, making no attempt to hide the pain in his voice. “I want to. I truly want to, because at this point, I’m convinced you’re the only one for me, but...I’m still damaged goods, Y/N. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with you, but I know I’m happy. I’m so damn happy when I’m with you, and it just...I went too far and I know that. I’m sorry,” he sighs, pulling you closer and placing a soft kiss into your hair.

You’re thoughtful before you speak. “Don’t say it again. Don’t say it unless you mean it, because I can’t handle something else breaking my heart. I can’t handle you breaking my heart.”

“Do you love me?”

“That’s not fair and you know it. I didn’t say it, you did.”

“I know, but we both need to know how deep we’re both in this. That’s only fair.”

“Some days I think I do and other days...”

“Other days...?”

“I really fucking hate you, Andy. I hate you for complicating things, I hate you for choosing me. I hate you because my friendship with Mary is destroyed, I hate you for still being married, even if it is only temporary...I fucking hate you the most for making me care so much. When we started this, it was so simple, but we both wanted more and neither of us were smart enough to walk away.”

“You were.”

“I was smart enough to suggest it, but I never actually did. That’s why you’re here now. We’re here now.”

“I won’t say it again, Sweetheart. I won’t say it unless I’m ready to commit. I promise,” he says sweetly before checking his watch. “I need to get going.”

“Stay...unless you have something you need to do or someone you need to see.”

“I’m as free as a bird, Baby.”

“Then stay. She likes you, a lot, so stay. She’ll be happy to see you in the morning.”

“Anything to see you both happy,” he encourages before placing another kiss into your hair.

You both lay down and he pulls close, taking in your scent and warmth, while you just take in the comfort of him being there. Him holding you, kissing you every few seconds, and cuddling you close are some of your favorite things.

It’s heaven.

In no time at all, you both are drifting off to sleep to the infamous ‘A Very Merry Unbirthday’ scene.

You’re not sure how long you’re asleep before Andy gently wakes you. The tone in his voice has your heart breaking instantly.

“Baby...she’s-”

“Don’t. Don’t fucking say it, please,” you sob, unable to look at your Mother in her hospice bed. “She’s not, Andy. She’s just sleeping hard.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he says solemnly wrapping you in a hug.

“You can’t be sure-”

“I checked, baby. She’s gone.”

You’re unable to do anything except cry, so Andy takes it upon himself to call everyone who needs to be called. When they come to take your Mother away, you’re even worse off.

“It’s gonna be okay, Sweetheart. I’m here,” Andy coos gently as strokes your back.

As the days go by, they all seem to blur. You pay attention to nothing and you care about almost nothing. For the most part, you’re just numb, going through the motions. Andy is with you for as much as he can be, and when he can’t, he won’t leave your side until Allison or Lindsey show up. You hear the arguments with Laurie and you truly feel bad because you know you’re the reason for them. However, you can’t bring yourself to tell him he doesn’t need to stay. You won’t bring yourself to that point.

When it’s late, and you allow yourself to be honest with only yourself, you know that Andy is the only reason you haven’t gone completely off the rails. It’s not lost on you that you really do love the man, but it’s also not lost on you that life is a bitch.

By the time the funeral comes, you’re not even sure what day it is.

“You gotta get up, Sweetheart,” Andy tells you as he leans against the door frame to your room.

“What time is it?”

“7am.”

“I can stay in bed a little longer,” you mumble, turning over as he sighs.

“Baby, after this-”

“After this, I have to deal with her not being in my life anymore.”

“She’s always here, just not physically. As long as you keep her in your heart and mind, she’s always with you,” he tells you softly as he lays down next to you.

“I don’t want to go, Andy.”

“I know you don’t, Baby, but you know it would make her happy.”

“I just want her back. I tried so hard and worked so hard...” you trail off as you start to sob,

“I know, Sweetheart. I know. We just gotta get through today and we’ll figure the rest out.”

“You have to get home.”

“I’m here for as long as you need me.”

“I hear the arguments, Andy. I know she’s furious and I know-”

“She’s furious because she’s coming to terms with the reality that she’s set. That has nothing to do with me and she’ll figure it out on her own.”

“Andy-”

“With the exception of Jacob’s graduation, I’m here for as much and as often as you want me.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, I’m putting this place on the market.”

“And where are you gonna go?”

“I don’t know. A fucking box on the corner.”

“You’re insane if you think I’m gonna let you be homeless.”

“I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything.”

“Let me take care of you, Sweetheart. It’ll be your place, your name will be on the papers and everything. I’ll just pay for it until you’re on your feet and we’ll go from there.”

“Andy-”

“It’ll be your place, Sweetheart. I just wanna help. I care about you and don’t want to see you struggle, especially after all you’ve been through. So, what do you say?”

In this moment, you’re truly faced with a decision you’re not ready for. Do you follow your heart and trust Andy, or do you keep your guard up and tough it out alone? When you turn over and look at him, his eyes hold all of the promises you’ve been longing for; but it only tugs at your heart because it doesn’t know if you can trust it fully and completely anymore.

Do you choose love or sensibility?

~~

Taglist: @fuckingbye, @maroonsunrise83, @whxre4cevans, @sweetflowerdreams

[searidings]

hi, i just love you and your writing

can i suggest something - you are in love (taylor swift) and supercorp

i cannot listen to that song without going yeah, that's them

(also on ao3 if you prefer)

Five years from now, Kara is going to reach across the table at Noonan's and take her hand. She's going to look deep into Lena's eyes, biting her lip as her thumb rubs gentle circles into Lena's palm, and her voice will barely rise above a whisper when she asks, “When did you know?”

And when she does, five years from now, Lena will think back to this moment.

This moment, which is as close as Lena's come to happiness since she'd woken up ziptied to a chair in her brother's office. This moment which, despite the fuzzy feeling of her unbrushed teeth and the pungent aroma of burnt toast filling the air, is perfect.

Kara, bed-warm and sleep-heavy, is gazing beseechingly down at the charred remains of a slice of a bread as though if she only pouts hard enough, its edges will un-blacken and its corners will stop smoking.

“I'm so sorry,” she says as Lena rounds the screen separating Kara's bedroom from the rest of the apartment and perches herself on a barstool, tugging her borrowed sleep shorts a little lower down her thighs.

Kara's tone is mournful, her face so forlorn she looks to be one deep breath away from tears. “I wanted breakfast to be perfect, since it's your first time staying over and if it's terrible you might not want to stay again and I, I really want you to stay again, but I don't know why you would since you probably have a private chef waiting for you at home and I can’t even manage toast—”

“Kara,” Lena interrupts, biting at the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing as Kara's bottom lip trembles. “It's fine, really. I once set fire to my dorm kitchen trying to boil an egg. And besides,” she winks as blue eyes meet hers. “I like to give my personal chef the weekends off.”

Kara huffs out a relieved chuckle, her face brightening. “Oh, well, in that case,” she grins, a sparkle returning to her eyes. “I'd better feed you up before you go home. Never let it be said that I don't look after you.”

Lena can't help the smile that pulls at her as the warm bright feeling in her chest grows and grows. She tugs the sleeves of Kara's sweatshirt over her hands, fighting the urge to fidget as the blonde orders a frankly obscene amount of food from the brunch place on the corner.

She feels exposed like this, face bare and hair sleep-mussed, unshowered with unbrushed teeth, huddled inside borrowed clothes after the impromptu invitation to stay over when last night's movie marathon ran late. It's a far cry from the regimented composure she fights so hard every day to project, and something in her chest twists anxiously.

Kara is a reporter, after all, and National City really doesn't need any more reasons to hate Lena right now. The darkest corner of her mind – the one which has been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to come crashing down ever since the whirlwind of Kara's too-good-to-be-true friendship had come blazing into her life – still worries that this may all be an elaborate ruse. A trap, a way to get close to her in order to assess her weaknesses, to bring her down with an inside scoop.

But in their six months of friendship, Kara's never given her any reason to believe she has any kind of ulterior motive. And despite the suspicions and anxieties hammered into her by a lifetime of hurt, Lena knows now that even if this is a trap, she'll take the bait willingly. Especially if it means Kara will keep looking at her like there might just be something in Lena that's worth her time.

"Hey,” the blonde says gently, leaning back against the counter opposite and pinning Lena with a searching look. “You okay? You kind of zoned out on me there.”

Lena jumps, blinking back into herself with a start. “Yes, sorry. I was miles away.”

The blonde only smiles, flicking on the coffee machine at her elbow. “You sleep okay?”

“Very well, thank you,” Lena answers, fighting to lessen the formality of her tone, to soften the edges her harsh childhood had sharpened into a fortress to keep the world at bay. “Your bed is surprisingly comfortable. I had a great night's sleep.”

"Perhaps the company had something to do with it,” Kara winks as she turns to pull two mugs down from the hooks at her shoulder. Lena thinks back to the smell of Kara's sheets and the soft pulls of her breathing, to the warmth of Kara's ankle against her calf and the strong fingers that had wrapped themselves in the sleeve of Lena's sweatshirt in sleep, anchoring them together. She blushes.

Kara only smirks, pouring their drinks and grabbing the milk from the fridge. “Well, the food's all ordered, it should be here soon,” she says over her shoulder, the waterfall of her golden ponytail mesmerising in the bright rays of morning light filtering in through the vaulted windows. “And you don't need to head off in a hurry, unless you have plans—?”

She glances back at Lena, who shakes her head. “Great!” she grins. “’Cause I was thinking, maybe we could check out the botanical gardens, since it's such a nice day? Oh, and there's a new bakery right across the street that I've been dying to try—”

Lena listens to the blonde's excited rambling with an endeared smile plastered to her face, feeling happy and warm and wanted with every fibre of her being. The feeling is new but so welcome she could cry, and Lena wonders – not for the first time – how she ever got so lucky.

Kara's presence in her life is like sugar in her coffee; meant only to sweeten that which has always been bitter.

Lena's always taken her coffee black. Softening the blow was never much her style.

But here, now, perched at Kara's breakfast bar with her hands wrapped around a steaming mug the blonde has brewed to perfection, sunlight streaming in and highlighting the angles and planes of Kara's face, the way she’s smiling at Lena like there's nowhere else in the world she'd rather be, she realises her reasoning is twofold.

Sugar isn't just appetising. It's addictive. And now that Lena's had a taste of sweetness, she's hooked.

In this moment, Lena knows. She's in love.

-

Four years from now, Kara is going to reach across the table at Noonan's and take her hand. She's going to look deep into Lena's eyes, biting her lip as her thumb rubs gentle circles into Lena's palm, and her voice will barely rise above a whisper when she asks, “When did you know?”

And when she does, four years from now, Lena will also think back to this moment.

This moment, which may well be one of the lowest of Lena's life. And she's had some doozies.

The two bottles of wine she'd managed to mainline between Sam leaving to orchestrate damage control at L-Corp and Kara arriving and attempting to confiscate her glass have well and truly caught up to her now. She sways heavily on her stool, the room spinning. Tears sting her vision and guilt scorches her throat as she presses a hand over her eyes so she won't have to look at Kara's face anymore.

“Please, just— just, stop believing in me, okay?” she slurs, heart full to shattering with the faces of lead-poisoned children. “I am not worth it.”

She hears Kara sigh, and the room falls silent for a long long time. Lena drops her head fully into her hands, fighting the nausea that's taken root in the pit of her stomach. It could be the booze that's causing it, of course, but it could also be the incessant headlines baying for her blood, the bullet James had taken for her that she'd fully deserved, the curse of her family finally fulfilling itself.

The guilt, the worry, the crushing disappointment of the knowledge that despite her very best efforts, she'll never be anything but a monster— it's too much to feel. It's too much to bear.

So, Lena drinks.

She drains her glass. She pours another. Kara watches, silent and disapproving, fingers twitching against the granite countertop between them.

Lena finishes her glass. Splashes the last dregs of the bottle into it, blood on ice. Still Kara watches, motionless and mute. It's only when Lena's swallowed the last of the red and is lurching unsteadily to her feet to source another that she moves, a hand reaching out to encircle her wrist.

Shame ignites beneath her skin and she pushes Kara away. Snaps at her to go home, to learn to recognise a lost cause when she sees one and just give up already. Kara refuses with a stoic shake of her head, and Lena sighs.

They repeat the same routine three times en route to Sam's wine rack, the blonde shadowing her every step. Each time, Lena wobbles, head fuzzy and room spinning. Each time, Kara steadies her, and Lena flinches from her touch like her palm is a brand, snarls at her to leave, to cut her losses, to just fuck off. Each time, Kara refuses.

She eventually retrieves the wine after a number of unsuccessful attempts but overbalances on her toes, bottle slipping from her grip as she sways dangerously. And then Kara is there, glass bottle caught a split second before it can shatter, a firm arm at her waist that will not be rebuffed.

Lena struggles, shoving and protesting, but this time Kara does not give in. “Enough,” she says quietly, firmly, blue eyes burning a mere inch from Lena's own. “Lena, enough.”

Lena's unsteady legs buckle further and Kara’s basically holding her up now, walking her slowly over to the couch and she shouldn't be this strong, surely, shouldn't be lifting Lena onto the cushions quite this easily. But it's such a minor concern when weighted against the fact that Lena is personally responsible for the hospitalisation of children that her mind brushes over it, forgets it immediately.

"Please go home,” she slurs as the blonde arranges her on the couch, as she stashes the unopened wine far out of reach and sets about finding blankets and pillows in various cupboards. “Please, just— leave me alone.”

“No,” Kara says, almost snaps, glancing back over her shoulder. Partially hidden in the linen cupboard, her face is cast deep in shadow, a splinter of half-concealed truth. “I made you a promise, I gave you my word. I'm your friend, and I will protect you. Always.”

She crosses back to the couch, soft blankets and pillows held out in invitation. When Lena refuses the offering Kara sighs, draping a knitted throw over her anyway and perching on the cushions beside Lena's hip. “I'm not going to leave you, so you might as well stop asking,” she hums, softer now, a hand reaching toward her that Lena no longer possesses the strength or coordination to bat away.

Long fingers make contact with her cheek, with the mussed curls tangling in her eyelashes, and Kara sighs. “You are not your brother,” she murmurs, fingertips grazing Lena's cheekbone, sliding back to thread into the fine hair at her temple. “And you never will be. There's too much light in you to allow for that kind of darkness, so put that fear down, Lena. Let it go. Be free of it.”

Tears spring unbidden to her eyes. “I poisoned children.”

Kara tilts forward and Lena wonders if it's just that her vision has upped its spinning, but then warm lips are pressing against her forehead, soft and delicate as gossamer wings. Kara's mouth moves against her skin, breath damp and sweet and unmistakeably her. “You saved the world.”

Neither one of them moves. When Lena speaks again, the words hit the elegant hollow of Kara's throat. “I don't deserve your kindness. I don't deserve you.”

Kara's lips are still on her forehead. “I don't care.”

Lena feels as if her throat is splitting open, every last fear and hatred and worry and insecurity gushing out of her in an unstoppable stream. “I'm scared.”

“I know.” Kara's lips press once more, and then withdraw. They watch each other in the dim light from the kitchen. Lena's vision is beginning to blur at the edges. Kara's hand is still in her hair.

“You will get through this,” the blonde whispers, so earnest Lena almost manages to believe her. “We'll figure it out. Together.”

Heart in her mouth, tongue sticking behind her teeth, Lena's eyes slide closed.

The sweetness of Kara's words, her gentle touches, seep inside her like honey. She doesn't deserve it but God, she wants it. She wants to be worthy of Kara's faith in her more than she's ever wanted anything in her life. She wants Kara more than she's ever wanted anything in her life.

And it's telling, she knows, that she's just lost the trust of all of National City, that she has no way of easing those children's suffering and no way to prove that she isn't the cause of it, that she's finally living up to the Luthor name she's been running from ever since she'd learned what it truly meant and yet in this moment, with Kara's hand in her hair and the ghostly imprint of her lips on Lena's skin, none of it seems to matter.

In this moment, Lena knows. She's in love.

-

Three years from now, Kara is going to reach across the table at Noonan's and take her hand. She's going to look deep into Lena's eyes, biting her lip as her thumb rubs gentle circles into Lena's palm, and her voice will barely rise above a whisper when she asks, “When did you know?”

And when she does, three years from now, Lena will also think back to this moment.

This moment, which stands alone as an oasis of calm in the turbulent tumult of the past days, weeks, months of chaos. Lex's escape from custody, Eve Teschmacher's betrayal, James’ shooting, the Harun-El serum, the whole shitty totality of it all has been weighing Lena down like an nth metal chain around her neck.

And Kara, Kara hasn't been around. The one person who has always managed to ease Lena's suffering has deserted her when she needs her the most and it feels like she's been sliced open, cracked in two.

She tells her as much, when Kara at last comes to see her. Tells her she's missed her, tells her she needs her, all but begs her to stay. And what does Kara do? She leaves.

And when she leaves, Lena is gripped by a panic so intense she fears she may never breathe freely again. So terrified is she that Kara is gone for good, that she's forced away the best thing that's ever happened to her, that almost before she knows what's happening she finds herself at Catco with apologies dripping from her own tongue.

Anything to get Kara back. Anything to keep her.

Lena apologises. Kara apologises. Lena cries, and Kara holds her, and tells her that the decision to help her brother when he was dying of cancer doesn't make her the monster she now believes herself to be. And standing on her office balcony with Kara's fingers wrapped around her biceps, with her own tears spotting dark on Kara's blazer, Lena manages to believe her.

When she's collected herself, smoothed away the wetness coursing down her cheeks, she speaks. “I really want to help you with your investigation on Lex.”

Kara's face lights up; Lena's whole world along with it.

“I'd love that,” Kara says, voice quiet and still a little tentative in the wake of their new truce. “But first— would you, um. Would you like to have lunch with me?”

Lena blinks. “Don't you want to get started on the exposé?”

“I do. But—” Kara's face is still painted that earnest shade from earlier, when she'd smoothed her hands over Lena's shoulders and whispered you are a brilliant, kind-hearted, beautiful soul against the sensitive skin of her neck. Lena feels her cheeks heat up at the memory, at the intensity in the blue eyes still roving her face.

Kara shuffles her feet but her gaze is clear, unwavering. “But you were right. I've spent too much time recently prioritising the wrong things. So, I want to work on this exposé with you, and I want to bring your brother down. But first, I'd really just like to have lunch with my best friend.”

Lena's heart trips in her chest. “I'd like that too.”

So, that's what they do. Kara asks her to wait, which she does, idly tapping out a few emails on her phone. And then the blonde is back, far quicker than should have been possible, with her arms full of takeout bags from the café on the third floor and she's taking Lena by the hand and leading her to Cat Grant's private elevator. She presses the button for the roof and Lena's gaze jumps to her face but Kara only smiles, and squeezes her fingers. “Trust me, it'll be worth it,” she hums, her excitement infectious. “You'll be safe with me.”

And Lena believes her.

That's how she ends up sitting at the edge of Catco's roof on a clean sheet Kara had borrowed from the builders on the second floor, heels kicked off, Kara's red blazer draped around her shoulders. It is worth it, she'll admit; the view from this high is phenomenal. The sun burns bright in a cloudless sky, glinting off the glass-sided skyscrapers of the business district, the glittering waters of the bay beyond.

Kara had picked up Lena's favourite salad, some flatbreads and dips, and they drink kombucha and eat strawberries in the sunshine. They talk and they laugh and they catch up and there's no more fighting, no animosity, no megalomaniac brothers or backstabbing secretaries or worlds needing to be saved. There's only them, she and Kara, and it feels like all she will ever need.

The blonde's hands are braced behind her on the rooftop and she looks happy and carefree as she regales Lena with stories of her upstairs neighbour's antics, and Lena feels the tight knot of tension that had taken up residence in her chest begin to unfurl.

"Hey,” Kara hums, pushing up straighter as Lena licks strawberry juice from her fingertips. The motion brings them closer, their shoulders brushing. “Look up.”

Lena does. High above them, a huge murmuration of starlings whirls and swoops through the air. Thousands of birds move together as one, a vast wave cresting but never breaking against the blue canvass of sky.

“Wow,” Lena gasps, awed.

Against her side, Kara hums. “Yeah.”

They watch the birds for a long moment, captivated by the ceaseless swirling and diving. When Lena at last tears her gaze away from the sky, Kara's eyes rest intently on her face. "Here,” the blonde murmurs, reaching out. The pad of one finger makes feather-light contact with her cheek. Lena's breath catches in her chest.

Kara holds out her finger, proffering the stray eyelash she'd captured with a smile. "Make a wish,” she whispers, her fingertip an inch from Lena's mouth. Her eyes never leave Lena’s.

Lena looks from Kara's face to the eyelash, and back again. From somewhere deep inside her heart, the truth bubbles its way to the surface. “I don't need to.”

Kara smiles, a brilliant, beautiful smile, and Lena knows. The stresses and anxieties of their current crisis feel far away here, harmless as birdsong. She's meted out forgiveness, received it in return. For the first time in her adult life Lena has communicated an issue with a loved one and been heard, understood. She has admitted her own mistake without having it spell out the end of her relationship.

Lena smiles back. The weight of the world sublimates into nothing beneath the bliss of a simple picnic in the sun.

In this moment, Lena knows. She's in love.

-

Two years from now, Kara is going to reach across the table at Noonan's and take her hand. She's going to look deep into Lena's eyes, biting her lip as her thumb rubs gentle circles into Lena's palm, and her voice will barely rise above a whisper when she asks, “When did you know?”

And when she does, two years from now, Lena will think back to this moment.

This moment, which has sapped the both of them to the bone. Another fight, another screaming match, another quick-fire back and forth of accusations and recriminations. Another night of cursing and crying and choking on all the things they never said before this, on all the things they can't now that Kara's secret has detonated in the shrinking space between them like a nuclear bomb.

Another round of bloodshed, and for what?

Lena sags against the arm of the couch, exhausted. Her face is hot, scratchy with salt from the tears still drying on her skin. She's dehydrated, probably, and half hoarse from shouting, tongue blistered with the bitter sting of betrayal.

Across the no man's land of her living room, Kara slumps against the floor-length windows, drops her temple to the cool glass. She's breathing heavily, cheeks wet, posture battered and eyes dark-bruised beneath the force of Lena's wrath. As Lena watches, her eyes slide closed.

It's been three months since Lena found out. Three weeks since Kara found out that Lena had found out.

Every night since, they've done this. Every night, Kara has shown up on her balcony and begged, pleaded, apologised, cajoled, defended, rebuffed, and sobbed. Every night, Lena has unleashed the hollow agony of Kara's deception masquerading as anger in her chest, incinerating the both of them in the fires of her desolation.

She would have expected the wounds to have cauterised by now. To feel some kind of release, the relief of catharsis. Or at least, to have expended some of her fury after all this time.

She hasn't.

They've been at this for three hours already this evening, and gotten nowhere. Kara's skin is pale above that fucking supersuit, face drawn and complexion sallow.

Lena knows how she feels. The singular exhaustion that is her rift with Kara has sapped her in every way imaginable. She can't sleep. She barely eats. She's no longer interested in work, research, friends. There's nothing in her life that isn't tainted by the shadow of the lies her best friend told and kept telling, every day for four years. Lena doesn't know how any amount of screaming and crying is ever going to get them past that.

Across the room, Kara sighs. It might be the saddest sound Lena has ever heard.

“Should we keep doing this?” she asks after an interminable silence, voice rough with tears still building. Her eyes are still closed.

Lena manages, with exorbitant effort, to raise her drooping head. “What?”

“Is there a point to all this?” Kara asks quietly, hunched body sliding a little further down the glass. "The explanations, the fighting?”

Blue eyes blink open. The weight of the sadness in them is unbearable. Lena struggles to find it within herself to care.

“Lying to you about who I am is the single biggest mistake I have ever made, and if it will make even one single shred of difference I will apologise to you every day for as long as I live,” Kara says into the aching chasm between them. “But I can't keep doing this. Not if it won't change anything. I can't— I don't want to keep hurting you.”

An hour ago, Lena would have scoffed at a sentiment like that. Would have parried back with some piercingly dry comment about how the blonde should have thought about that before she decided to betray Lena's trust as soundly as she possibly could.

Now, though— now, she's just too tired.

“So, should we keep doing this?” Kara whispers, throat working. “Or— God, Lena. Should we just— should we give up?”

Green eyes meet blue, two shattered hearts haemorrhaging between them. “Is that what you want?”

“No.” Kara's voice is loud, fiercely determined in the face of Lena's hesitant whisper. “God, no. Never. I don't ever want to give up on you, Lena. I don't ever want to give you up.”

Kara straightens then, with a strength Lena cannot imagine mustering herself. Perks of being a superhero, she supposes. Perks of being Kryptonian. The thought stakes another shard of ice through her bleeding heart.

“But I know that I've spent four years calling the shots for both of us by keeping you in the dark,” Kara continues. “I've taken away your agency. I've taken away your choice. I won't do that again.”

She sucks in a deep breath, a little of Supergirl's regality seeping back into the defeated slump of her shoulders. “So, I'm doing what I should have done from the start. I'm being honest with you, and hoping that you'll be honest back. I'm asking what you want.”

Kara's fingers twist anxiously before her, bottom lip bleaching white beneath the nervous pressure of her teeth. “Do you think we should keep doing this? Or do you— fuck.” Her voice cracks, the tears brimming in her eyes once again breaking free. “Do you want to give up?”

Jesus Christ. Lena never knew that the prospect of doing the right thing could hurt so much.

“Fuck,” she mutters as she kneads her knuckles over her closed eyelids, digging in until white lights starburst across her vision. “Fuck, Kara.”

“I know,” the blonde whispers from across the room, brittle and broken. “I know. I'm sorry.”

Lena slows her assault on her own eyelids, pinching thumb and forefinger hard at the bridge of her nose instead. “I want to give up,” she mutters, and in the taut silence between them she hears the blonde gasp, watery and thick.

Lena blinks open her eyes to find Kara's face crumpling, every facet of her seeming to fold in on itself even as she visibly fights to keep herself upright.

Lena sighs, and hates Kara, and hates herself even more. “I want to, but— I can't.” She sucks in a ragged breath, hating the truth that's just fallen from her lips, hating the lies that had necessitated it. Hating everything and everyone and most of all, hating just how much she's hurting. “I can't give this up.”

The tiniest spark of hope flares to life in Kara's eyes. Lena hates that she notices, hates that she cares, hates that the sight eases the tight knot of devastation clawing at her ribcage just the tiniest bit.

She also knows that this was inevitable. She knows that, though she hates Kara, though she's nowhere close to forgiving her, though she has no idea how they can rebuild from here or even if she truly wants to try, a question like Kara's could only ever have one answer.

In this moment, Lena knows. She's in love.

-

One year from now, Kara is going to reach across the table at Noonan's and take her hand. She's going to look deep into Lena's eyes, biting her lip as her thumb rubs gentle circles into Lena's palm, and her voice will barely rise above a whisper when she asks, “When did you know?”

And when she does, one year from now, Lena will also think back to this moment.

This moment, which is barely even a moment at all. It's more like a dream, warm and faded and fogged in darkness, seconds stolen when sleep should have long since claimed them.

Kara's nightmare had woken them both. In the month since they'd pulled her out of the Phantom Zone, she hadn't slept alone once. Often, she stays with Alex, curling into her sister's side the way she would when they were just kids after one too many late-night horror movies. Once, she stays with Nia, tucked up snug in a borrowed pair of puppy print pyjamas.

Mostly, she stays with Lena. It's natural and unspoken and easy as breathing, the way Kara will show up at her place after a Supergirl save or Lena will let herself into the blonde's apartment after a late night in the lab. They cook dinner and watch Celebrity Masterchef and brush their teeth elbow to elbow at the bathroom sink and when Kara is inevitably tugged screaming and sobbing from her night terrors, the way she presses her face to Lena's neck and her hand over Lena's heart is natural and unspoken and easy as breathing, too.

Kara's racing pulse has calmed a little, her grip on Lena's body beneath her losing some of its urgent desperation. After a long moment of Lena's hand stroking her hair, of gentle reassurances and lips pressed to her temple the blonde pulls back, just enough to rest her head on the pillow facing her.

In the dim light filtering in through the bedroom window Kara's pupils are blown, her face solemn. There's something in her heavy gaze that Lena can't identify; something weighted and potent that prickles goosebumps up the length of her spine.

"Feeling better?” she whispers into the inch of warm air between them, reaching out to tuck a sweat-matted curl reverently behind the blonde's ear.

Kara catches her retreating hand and holds tight, twining their fingers together on the narrow swathe of pillow between them. If either of them were to move so much as a millimetre, their clasped hands would press against their lips.

The blonde nods and sure enough, the soft heat of her mouth brushes the back of Lena's knuckles. She shivers.

Kara is still watching her, the intensity of her gaze causing Lena's heart to thud hard in her throat. She squeezes lightly at the fingers threaded through her own. “What?”

A pause, heavy and sweet as overripe fruit. Kara blinks once, slow. “You're my best friend.”

Lena swallows down a sudden swell of emotion. The blonde nudges closer and when she speaks, the wet seam of her lips catches on the angle of Lena's bent knuckles, painting her skin with the words.

“You're the most important person in the world to me,” Kara whispers, breaths skating fire-flashes across Lena's fingers, voice muffling out past the mouth pressed to her skin. “You know that, right?”

Lena's voice deserts her in the wake of the quiet words. She leans forward instead, presses her lips to Kara's fingertips where they rest against the back of her own hand. It's answer enough.

She hears Kara's breath catch, feels the disruption mirrored in her own chest. Both their mouths are pressed to the joined hands clasped between them. If they were to move their fingers down even just a fraction, there would be nothing separating their lips but a promise, a prayer.

Kara's eyelashes flutter in the semi-darkness. The tip of her nose brushes Lena's own. Neither one of them moves their hands.

They only gaze at one another a long moment, and Lena wonders if the blonde is memorising the planes of her face the way she's memorising Kara's. She could look at her forever, be happy here with her forever, and in this moment, Lena knows. She's in love.

For the first time, she wonders if she might not be the only one.

-

Right now, Kara is reaching across the table at Noonan's and taking Lena's hand.

It's been three weeks since they'd taken down Lex for the last time. Three weeks since Kara had stormed into the Tower's med bay to cup Lena's bloody, bruised face in her hands; since she'd brushed her thumbs feather-light over Lena's split eyebrow and purpling jaw and growled don't you ever scare me like that again. Three weeks since she'd leaned in and pressed her lips to Lena's.

It's been two weeks and six days since Lena, confined to a gurney but utterly uncaring thanks to the warm Kryptonian curled against her side, had pressed her aching face to Kara's shoulder and first whispered that she loved her. Two weeks and six days since Kara had first said it back.

It's been two weeks and five and a half days since Nia had walked in on Lena in Kara's arms, lips pressed to her neck and hands wandering beneath her sweatshirt, and promptly shrieked the place down. Since their friends had exchanged pointed glances and relieved sighs and congratulated them on finally making it official, their expressions ranging from overjoyed to exasperated to plain exhausted.

It's been two weeks and four days of she and Kara dating; of morning kisses and shared showers and the perfect partner at game night and all of Lena's wildest dreams coming true.

It's been less than a minute since Kara had admitted, hushed and wondering, that she'd known she was in love with Lena ever since she'd found herself suddenly prepared to poison National City's entire water supply rather than let Lena fall. That she hadn't been able to fully it admit it to herself until she'd found herself suddenly prepared to alter the course of all of history in order to get Lena back.

And right now, Kara is reaching across the table at Noonan's and taking her hand. She's looking deep into Lena's eyes, biting her lip as her thumb rubs gentle circles into Lena's palm, and her voice barely rises above a whisper when she asks, “When did you know?”

And now that she has, Lena is sure of her answer.

The highlight reel of her relationship with Kara lays itself at Lena's feet, each precious memory between them stretching out like a roadmap of her growing affection, with every hard-won step leading her right to this moment.

And in this moment, Lena knows. She's in love with Kara. Really, she always has been.

[staticscreenwriting]

HOME // Bucky Barnes

Request: Could you do a Bucky Barnes imagine where he blips but the reader is pregnant so when he comes back he meets their daughter? If not that’s totally understandable and I hope you have an amazing day/night 💕

A/N: Look, I love writing angsty Bucky. But I also love writing happy Bucky. Hope y’all love reading this ♥  Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated.

Join my taglist here! [additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

Thanos being defeated was not the end of it all. It seemed like it. The grand heroic solution to all problems. The ultimate test before things got better. Before they got easier.

That was a lie.

Bucky looks across the vast area of the Stark’s estate as people, all dressed in black, mourn the loss of a dear friend, an idol, a husband, a father.

That word sends a wave of anxiety and fear through him. He knows he can’t run forever and really, he doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t know how to deal with — everything. How to be the man he needs to be. How to step up and not fuck this up.

Sometimes fear makes you do stupid things, really stupid things. Like avoiding the love of your life because you are too afraid of what she might think of you.

His eyes find (Y/N) as she leans against a tree, lips pulled into a sad smile as Sam rambles about one thing or another next to her. This isn’t right. Sam shouldn’t be the one cheering her up and trying to get her to smile. It should be him. If only he wasn’t such a coward.

People don’t talk about these things though. They only talk about those that had been gone now being back again. They talk about the joy of being reunited but not the fears, the sadness, the disappointment — and they sure as hell don’t talk about the guilt.

The guilt of coming back after 5 years to find out you missed so many important moments in the life of a child you never knew you had.

His eyes wander down towards the little girl holding on tightly to her mother’s hand. She has his eyes, his dark hair, his lips. She’s a spitting image of his younger sister. A Barnes through and trough.

Every time he looks at her his heart beats out of his chest in a way he’s never felt before. When they say that the love for your own child is an instant emotion, they are not wrong or exaggerating.

The moment he came back from oblivion and first laid eyes on her, it felt like his heart had known her all his life. He wanted to hold her and shelter her from all the bad things the world might throw her way. Wanted to kiss her little nose and read her stories and sing her silly little songs. He hated singing but for her, he wanted to do it. Just because that’s what dads do.

But fear is one hell of an emotion and above all, it’s terribly convincing.

He’d never had a particularly good example of a father. It was different times then. Different ways of raising your child. Fathers weren’t meant to show affection, they were meant to enforce rules and order. How could he ever be good at this? He doesn’t have a single clue how to do any of this.

And then there’s the fact that he’s left (Y/N) alone to deal with all of this. Every first has been forever taken from him. First breath, first cry, first word, first steps. Every little thing.

Would she resent him for it? For not being there when it mattered?

So he ran. He came back and he ran.

She doesn’t deserve this and neither does (Y/N). They deserve so much better.

“ It’s time Buck. “ Steve speaks up as he leans against the porch railing next to his oldest friend.

“ Are you still sure about this? “ Bucky asks, not taking his eyes off of his girls. His stomach feels like he’s swallowed a bag of bricks. Life was supposed to be easier after Thanos. This isn’t easy. This is just scary. And sad.

“ That, “ Steve says and nods his head towards (Y/N) and the girl “ that’s your second chance. I gotta take mine. “

Bucky turns to look at his friend trying to figure out what to say next but coming up empty. What do you say to that? Steve deserves to be happy. He deserves to be where his heart always has been. Does it mean Bucky thinks it’s the right choice? Not necessarily. But he understands. Had it been him and (Y/N) he would’ve crossed time and space to be with her.

Which is ironic to think because now all he does is avoid her. Because that’s the coward he is.

“ Alright let’s go. I’ll grab Bruce you do — whatever you gotta do. “

He dares to send one last look towards (Y/N) and this time she’s looking back with a soft eye and a timid little smile on her lips. None of which he is deserving of.

Steve let's go of Sam, parting with one last friendly slap on the back before turning towards Bucky.

Bucky's throat feels dry and rough and while his head is swirling with words he wants to say, none of them really make it past his lips. He's known about Steve's idea for a few days now, has had time to let it settle and come to terms with it. It still breaks his heart but sometimes that's what you do for the people you love. You support them on their path to happiness even if it hurts you in the process.

"I'll miss you," Bucky finally manages to say and he wraps his arm around his friend's shoulder. "You'll always be my brother."

"I know. I'll miss you too. But I know you're in good hands." Steve responds and lets his gaze wander towards the house, no doubt talking about (Y/N) and the kid.

"Promise me something, Buck." He says as he pulls away.

"Anything."

"Talk to (Y/N) and get to know your daughter. She's a Barnes through and through. And she loves you so much, they both do. Let them. Love 'em back."

"Kid doesn't even know me," Bucky murmurs, nervously glancing at the floor.

"What? You really think that? Buck, all we did for the last 5 years was try to keep your memory alive. For us but especially for her. We showed her pictures and videos and (Y/N) told her so many stories. She knows you and she loves you and for the first time in her life, she's living in a world where her dad is alive and present. Go, be with them. You guys need each other."

He's right. Of course, he's right. Steve has this fantastic ability to be right when it matters.

“And don’t do anything stupid until I get back!” Steve adds, making a small smile appear on Bucky’s face.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you. “

They embrace each other one last time before Bucky whispers another “I’ll miss you” and Steve tells him that “It’ll be okay, Buck”.

And then everything happens so fast. One moment he’s living in a world where his best friend is by his side and a minute later all of that has forever changed.

Bucky wipes his eyes with the back of his hand one last time before looking at himself in the mirror. He knew this moment was coming, Steve told him. He had time to come to terms with it and yet it’s a completely different situation now that it’s done. Parting with the only family you’ve ever known breaks your heart in ways you’ve never known are possible.

As he steps out of the bathroom something solid crashes against him and as he looks down, a pair of identical blue eyes stare back at him. He’s not been this close to her since he found out about her, keeping her at a distance. To protect her.

His arm was made to kill how could it ever hold a child and keep it safe?

She stares at him for a moment before a small “Hi” falls from her lips. It’s shy and timid and adorable and all Bucky wants to do is cuddle her to his chest and never let her go.

He doesn’t get the chance though as another little girl rushes past them and calls out to his daughter to follow her which she does.

“Who is that?” Bucky hears Morgan question.

“That’s my daddy, but I don’t think he wants to see me. Mommy says he needs time but —“

He doesn’t hear the rest of her words as the girls round the corner and get swallowed by the sounds of the other guests still mulling around sharing stories about their fallen hero.

But it’s enough. He doesn’t need to hear more. Those words are enough to rip his heart out of his rib cage, crush it up into a million little pieces, and spread it in the winds, never to be able to be put together ever again.

“Hey have you seen — oh Bucky are you okay?”

He doesn’t deserve her tenderness, her kindness, and her care, and yet she still exudes the same love she’s always held for him. Love he was never deserving of from the beginning.

It doesn’t matter at that moment though, who deserves what and who doesn’t. He’s too caught up in the breaking of his own heart. So he falls into her arms as silent tears slowly but surely make their way down his cheeks.

“She thinks I don’t want to see her.”

“Who does?” (Y/N) says as she gently combs her fingers through his long hair.

“My own daughter. “

(Y/N) pulls away slightly, holding onto his shoulders and looking deep into his eyes.

“Are you ready to talk about this now? Ready to stop avoiding me ?”

Bucky only nods and lets her lead him outside past the guests and down to the lake where it’s quiet and serene and life seems to slow down a little. She keeps holding on to his hand, his vibranium one, as they settle on a bench facing each other.

“ I missed you, Bucky.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He’s been told those words so many times and it’s still hard to believe in them. Even when he knows they’re true. There will always be a hint of doubt since him. Always.

“I don’t — I don’t want her to think I don’t love her. Or want to be with her. I do love her very much. More than I have ever loved another person, including you, and you are my everything. I’m just overwhelmed and — and scared.” He admits. It’s the first time he says those words to anyone but himself. It feels good. It feels right. But it doesn’t take the fear away or the guilt.

“James, she knows you love her. Not a day went by that I didn’t tell her how much her daddy loves her and wants to be with us. And it’s okay to be scared. I was scared and I only had to deal with a baby, not an opinionated 4-year-old. It’s okay to be scared but you can’t let the fear hold you back. You’re the bravest man I know. You laugh in the face of danger. What changed?”

“Stakes are higher this time. What’s losing my life compared to ruining my daughter’s?”

“You’re not gonna ruin anyone’s life, Buck.” (Y/N) exclaims and softly pets the side of his face. She’s always been so gentle with him. Such a contrast to the touches he was used to.

“I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. Mine wasn’t a very good example. I have been trained to kill, to cause pain. My arm is a weapon.”

“Your arm has shielded me from bullets and harm so many times. It’s held me close at night and wipes my tears when I was sad. Your arm is only a weapon if you use it like that. And all the other stuff, that’s not you anymore. You know this. “

He can see the treads now welling in her eyes too and it makes his heart twist and constrict in many painful ways.

“And I left you alone during all of it. Missed the last 4 years of her life and the entire pregnancy. How am I gonna make up for that, for leaving you alone?”

It feels like once he’s started talking he can’t stop. All his fears and worries flow from his lips like tidal waves in an ocean. Crashing against the shore of truth.

“You didn’t leave us Bucky. You were taken from us. We never blamed you for that. I know you wanted to be there. I never doubted that for a second. Look, I had 9 months to come to terms with my fears, you didn’t have any time to face them. I get why you are freaking out but uh — it’s time to step up. You know what makes a good dad? Being there when he can be. Showing he cares. Can you do that?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I can.” Bucky promises and smiles a smile of content. One of hope. His fears and his guilt aren’t gone. But maybe if she believes in him and Steve does, maybe he can be the man and the father he needs to be.

“Good. We really do love you, Buck.”

“As in present tense?”

“Of course. We never stopped. Now can I ask one more thing of you?”

“What’s that?” In the end, it wouldn’t really matter. Whatever she asks he’ll do it. For her, he’ll do anything.

“Can you kiss me? I’ve been waiting for 5 years to finally kiss you again. I can’t hold out much longer. “

He grants her not one kiss, not two. In fact, he loses count as they get lost in many many loving kisses. Maybe, Bucky thinks, soulmates really are a thing. Maybe there are people on this earth meant to find each other. Meant to go through hardships together and still find their way back to one another in the end.

Whatever one chooses to believe in. Bucky is certain she is his person in this life and the next and through whatever might come their way.

He’s sitting on the big red couch in (Y/N)’s apartment, nervously fumbling with the tassels on one of the throw pillows as his eyes wander around the room. There are so many pictures, hung on the walls and placed on side tables and shelves. His child’s entire life up to now, caught on film for him to relive if only in his mind.

There are pictures of him too. One of him and Steve in the 40s, laughing and leaning against each other in support. (Y/N) always said it was one of her favorites. “You’re so happy in it. That’s how happy I want you to be all the time.” She’s told him once.

Next to a picture of (Y/N) and their daughter is a picture of him. He’s sure it’s placed there deliberately. To remind everyone he is a part of this family, even when he wasn’t there.

He is here now though. The next picture put up will be one of all three of them.

The front door opens and a melody of voices echoes through the place. (Y/N)’s laughter and the sweet giggle of his little girl. It’s his favorite sound in the world, he decided then and there. Nothing will ever compare.

The girl rushes into the room then comes to an abrupt stop in front of him.

“Hi,” she says in the same small voice as she did at the Stark’s house. Only this time Bucky doesn’t just stand and stare at her, unable to move or speak.

This time he holds out his arms and speaks up.

“Hi, I — I'm sorry it has taken me so long. I don’t know what I was thinking. I love you, Darling. Can I hug you?”

She doesn’t say yes or no, doesn’t glance at his vibranium arm with hesitance of fear. She falls right into him, wrapping her little arms around his neck and cuddling into his chest. It feels like this is where she belongs, like this is where she was always meant to be. Like his arms were made to hold her and never let go. And maybe, Bucky thinks, maybe they were.

“I love you too, daddy.”

He liked being a sergeant. It’s a title that has always filled him with pride. It has nothing on the title of being a dad. That one means so much more. Fills him with a pride and love he’s never previously known.

For the next few moments, he gets lost in the feeling of holding his child. A perfect little girl who is part of him. The good. Only the good. It all comes together in her. No nightmares or guilt or fears. Only love. So much love. He holds her close to his heart, wishing he could’ve done this when she was just a baby. Feel her heart beat in rhythm with his. He places little kisses up and down her small face. On her chubby little cheeks and her cute bottom nose, making her scrunch it up and let out soft giggles.

It’s strange to be the man he is and act so gently with another human being. But it feels so right.

His eyes find (Y/N)’s across the room, filled with tears though this time they are happy ones. With an outreached hand he beckons her over and pulls her onto the couch and into the hug.

This is right. Nothing has ever felt this real. This happy. This perfect.

His girls cuddle into him with nothing but love filling their hearts. This is the life he wants, the one he has always wanted. The life he fought for. The life he will never stop fighting for.

Steve was wrong. They aren’t his second chance.

They’re his only chance.

His destiny.

His family.

His home.

TAGLIST:  @stayherefor-evermore  - @booksb4looksstuff​ - @captainofallfandoms - @charmed-asylum​

[toorusproblems]

If your still taking requests can I request a death note oneshot nsfw were it’s after Light’s fathers death and the reader doesn’t like Light in fact hates Him but starts to feel sorry for him and later that day decides to visit his apartment to help him deal with his grief and ask if there is anything she can do to help him and light subtly implies that she can help him by sleeping with him and the reader is tempted to but doesn’t want to because she remembers she dislikes him and he has a girlfriend but light eventually persuades her into it ?

Just this once?

pairing: light yagami x f!reader

wc: 1.4k

cw: infidelity (light cheats on misa), dubcon, coercion, reader is L’s little sister, not proofread (lmk if i missed anything!!!)

hi!! sorry this took forever, i took a lil break from writing. i tried my best to stick to the request but idk how well i did lmao but even so, i hope you like it!!!

Your dead-set focus is suddenly ripped from you as the familiar noise of the task force headquarters’ door creaking open pulls your eyes away from the bright computer screen. To your displeasure, the new presence in the room is none other than Light Yagami.

“Oh, Light! I thought we agreed you didn’t have to come in today?” An uncharacteristically soft-spoken Matsuda greets.

“Yeah, but I guess my father’s passing only fueled me to get to the bottom of this even more.” Light states.

Being L’s sister, you’ve inherited the black-haired boy’s suspicion of Light. After all, you were the only person in the world that L trusted with his entire heart and soul. Those countless times you’ve stayed up together throwing theories about the Kira case back and forth, only for you and the night itself to hear.

Though your brother was undeniably a bit smarter than you, you weren’t stupid either. With everything L had theorized about Light’s true identity, it’s hard for you to write off L’s death as a coincidence. The timelines just seemed to line up too perfectly.

Everything on top of the fact that because of your investigation work on the Kira case you were barely even given time to mourn the loss of your precious older brother, a heavy dislike of the brown-haired man festered in you.

Even so, you can’t help but feel sympathetic towards him today. After all, it’s true that you know what it feels like to lose a close family member too.

“Hey, Light,” his name feels sour on your tongue, “if you want I can take the heavy lifting today, don’t stress, alright?”

His eyes meet yours, and you take note that they look even more dead than usual.

“It’s okay, Y/N, no need to worry.”

—

No need to worry.

Well, you did worry. All day in fact.

You hate yourself for feeling so empathetic towards the man who you suspect of being behind the killing of your very own brother.

But here you are now, about to knock on Light’s apartment door with a small bouquet of tulips in your left hand. Nothing special, you told yourself, just something to show that you care at least a little.

As you raise your right knuckles to the wooden surface, the door suddenly swings inward.

“Oh hello, Y/N. Pretty flowers you’ve got there.” Light points at the objects in your grip.

That’s it. That’s another thing that you hate about him. How he always seems to be one step ahead of you in even the smallest things. How it feels like he always knows what you’re thinking. It’s almost like he’s watching you sometimes, for fuck’s sake!

“These are for you, actually.”

“Really?” he fakes a smug expression, making you cringe, “Thank you so much!”

“It’s nothing. Feel better soon.”

You turn to leave, but Light’s hand catches your shoulder.

“Wait. Before you leave, can you come in for a second?”

“Oh uh… sure? Why?”

You receive no response as Light silently motions you onto his couch. A nervous pit grows in the bottom of your stomach.

“So uh… what do you need me for?” You ask apprehensively.

“Just want to talk. It feels like forever since we’ve actually sat down together and had a conversation, you know?”

You let out a sigh of relief you didn’t know you were keeping in. “Yeah, it has been a while.”

Yet another awkward silence passes. The sheer quietness seems very strange to you for a moment until it hits you.

“Hey, where’s Misa? Is she out at a shoot or something?”

“So observant.” Light chuckles, and with the tone he puts on, you’re not sure if he’s being sarcastic or not, “Yes, she’s filming a commercial for Miho Skincare. Or at least that’s what she told me before she ran out the door.”

“Oh, I see.” You bite your lip, unsure of how to continue the conversation, “Do you want me to put the flowers in a vase for you?” You ask, picking up the tulips from the coffee table.

Light moves his hand to your thigh in a smooth motion, catching you very off guard so that you nearly drop the bouquet. You hate the fact that blood rushes to your cheeks.

“No need. But there is something else I want from you, if I’m going to be blunt.” His eyes pierce directly through you. You feel naked under his gaze.

Fuck, as many negative feelings you harbour for the man in front of you, you can’t deny he’s attractive in all sense of the word. You know what he’s asking for. It’s plainly clear even just from the lust blooming in his irises.

And it’s then when you realize how touch-starved you are. You’ve been using every available hour of your life on the Kira case, of course you hadn’t had time for any kind of relationship.

So you don’t stop him from inching closer. One of his hands sliding towards the inside of your thigh while the other pushes a piece of your hair from your face. His captivating eyes flutter shut and you’re about to give into his touch when you remember the girl you had been talking about just a moment earlier.

“Wait. Misa.” You whisper simply.

“She won’t be home for hours. And you want to make me feel better, do you not? I’m just asking for one more thing in addition to those flowers you gave me, hm?” He borderline growls into your ear. You would be lying if you said it didn’t turn you on a little.

Without waiting for an answer, Light crashes his lips onto yours. The kiss is hungry, like he wants to waste no time with you. Admittedly, you still feel a little uneasy about all of this, Misa’s face—sweet as candy—beaming at you in your mind as her boyfriend sucks on your tongue.

You feel around each other’s bodies, unbuttoning anything you feel to rid yourselves of your clothing. It all goes so fast, and before you know it, you’re both in your undergarments. Light’s got you lying beneath him with your knees pressed to your chest. He reaches to pull your grey cotton panties to the side.

Suddenly, the peppy blonde girl inside your head once again appears, and you realize what you’re doing.

“Hang on, Light. I’m not too sure about this anymore…” You weakly tell him, pushing his hands away from your most sensitive area.

“Hm? But you promised you’d help me feel better.” Light throws uncharacteristic puppy eyes your way. He points to the wet patch that had formed on the centre of your panties, “And look, you want it too, right? Just this once? Please?”

It’s true, you had come here to make him happier. So why should you go back on it now? You criticize yourself, wondering how you could ever be so inconsiderate—to a coworker who just lost his father, too!

So you nod your head in coerced approval towards the man on top of you, who then in turn wasted no time pulling his cock out from his boxers.

Without warning, or any prep whatsoever, Light pushes the head of his cock into your cunt. The stretch burns, and you’re left wondering if it’s just because you haven’t gotten laid in quite a while, or if his cock is just that fat.

“Light!” You whine in slight protest, “You’re too big… hurts…”

He only hums in response, pushing himself further into you, “Sorry, little one, this cunt is just so tight, I can’t help myself. Fuck-“

Light starts a rhythm, watching his cock sink in into you over and over again. He notes how each time he pulls out, a sheen of both your slick, and even some blood coats it. Must’ve just been too big for your little cunny, he guesses.

The pain of the stretch slowly turns into pleasure and you relax into Light’s touch. You throw your hands into his surprisingly soft brunette locks as he pounds into your sweet spot.

You wonder if L is watching you right now. He must be so disappointed in his little sister, moaning and creaming so sweetly for the very same man he thought he had taught you to be wary of, the man who made the world a living hell.

[anniebrainrots]

Family

In which you reflect upon yours and Technoblade’s shared past. 

=============

warnings: mentions of violence (nothing too graphic), slight gore, angst, SBI family dynamic, no y/n 

wc: 3.2k 

notes: i’m sorry if there are any grammatical errors, i really tried my best :,) 

===========

You can’t remember a time when you and Technoblade actually fought. You had always been attached at the hip, you had watched him grow up from a young boy full of ambition and fire to an accomplished man with strong ideals and a fierce personality. That’s one of the things that you had prided yourself in, well, that and your impeccable ability to calm the pink-haired piglin. 

You remember the first time the voices had appeared; he had come to you after he had gone hunting with Phil for the first time. He had mentioned his first kill, how it had awoken something in him, how it almost felt like he had been running on autopilot when he shot the arrow. You hadn’t known how to talk to him through his episodes then, though with years you had learned what to say to not set him off. 

The first time he had killed a man hadn’t been that long after his first hunt. A bandit had come to your small camp in the forest in the middle of the night. You couldn’t have been older than twelve at the time, Techno being thirteen. You had been held at knifepoint, held in front of Phil and Wilbur while the hybrid had gone out to get more firewood when your campfire dwindled. You remember seeing horror cross the two faces in front of you before the grip on your neck had loosened and a man had dropped right to the floor. You had tried your best to erase traces of that night from your memory, but the thin scar on your neck always made a point to remind you of it. 

He had changed since then, an insatiable thirst for bloodlust had festered deep within him, unable to be satisfied. He hadn’t been too good at controlling the voices at that time, and the first time he had lost control in your presence he couldn’t bear to look at you for a week out of shame. It had taken the help of Phil, Wilbur, and even Tommy to talk him out of separating himself from you. After that, your bond with him had only grown stronger. When you had left the family to pursue your own adventure with Techno, you had learned how to talk to him, to ease the voices that always screamed at him. 

The second time he had lost control around you it hadn’t been directed at you. The both of you had entered a tournament for money, and the result had been devastating for you. Techno had gotten his long hair cut short while your wings had ended up getting chopped off. It had been a foul play, ambushed from the back while you had fought another in front of you. Techno had seen nothing but red, finishing off both people before consoling you the best he could. You had mourned the loss of your flight and your precious wings for weeks, not eating and barely alive, according to Techno. He had half the mind to send you back to Phil, doubting his abilities to protect you but you had insisted to stay with him, that you would simply be too ashamed to look your father in the eyes and tell him why your wings had no longer been on your back. 

Years later, even though you still held the loss of your wings close to your heart, you had learned to move on with the help of your companion, finding solace in causing chaos and taking down unjust governments. Naturally, when Wilbur and Tommy had called upon you both to help them with their revolution against a tyrant who had taken charge of their old country, you had been more than happy to come. 

The first few weeks had been spent catching up with your brothers, and you had exchanges of your adventures and their experiences running their country. You couldn’t help but notice darkness festering deep within Wilbur’s eyes, and one night he broke, asking Tommy if they had been the bad guys all along. You couldn’t bring yourself to tell them you had followed them that night, eavesdropping on their conversation. You had confided in Technoblade, the piglin merely dismissing your concerns for your brother as he urged you to start preparing for the war. You had tried to ignore it, the way Wilbur’s tongue dripped with acid every time he had spoken of L’manburg, the way Tommy had flinched when Wilbur would walk into the same room, the way Wilbur constantly disappeared in the dead of the night when he had thought no one was watching. But you had been, you had always been watching him. 

The day he hid behind Dream, the man that had nearly killed Tommy twice in their war against the Dream SMP, you had nearly taken it upon yourself to incapacitate Wilbur. Technoblade, as war-hungry as he always had been, paid no attention to this, which had angered you greatly. Once you had learned of Wilbur’s planting of hundreds of TNT underneath L’manburg, you had tried to talk him out of it. 

“L’manburg is a fallen nation, birdie. It’s done nothing but cause pain for everyone, so why does it have to exist? You wouldn’t understand, you weren’t there when we built it, so stay out of our fucking business or leave.” The nickname that Wilbur had given you in your youth sounded like nothing but pure venom and ice, and his words had stung you far more than anything else. 

That night, you had approached Technoblade; you couldn’t help but notice how you had been falling apart due to how busy he had become with his preparations.  It had been obvious to you how stressed he was, spacing out more frequently while you had conversed. When you brought up your concern over Wilbur’s plans, he lashed out. 

“God, you’re so annoyin’, always havin’ concern over what Wilbur wants to do or not. The man ran the country way before we even got here so why do you care so much?” 

“I’m worried because everyone’s life is on the line here, Techno. You’re telling me you’d let your brothers fight in a war that will end up in explosions? What about Tommy, you’re gonna let him go through with this? Why can’t you see that Wilbur’s gone crazy, and he needs to be stopped?” 

“I can’t let you do that. No matter what you want, I promised to help Wilbur and if you don’t agree with his ideals, then just leave. We don’t want you here.” For the second time that night alone, you had been told to leave by some of the most important people in your lives. You choked back the rising sob in your throat, letting your sadness dissipate and anger take over. You had marched right out of his base, not a single call of your name from the man you had just spoken with, and you had concluded that that would be the last time you would talk to him. 

You had gone deep into the forest into your small cottage, taking all of your valuables and putting them in your ender chest, stuffing food and all of your weapons into your bags where they had fit. You had taken a few pieces of TNT, no one needed the rest of these items anyways. You had been deep enough in the forest that the explosion would not be heard from anywhere near PogTopia, so you had quickly ignited the TNT and watched as your house exploded onto tiny remnants. A small crater had been left in its place, small enough to pass off as a creeper explosion in the night. 

Your second stop had been to Tommy’s quarters, where you had found him sitting by his bed. 

He had looked up at you in slight confusion, noting your packed bags and outdoor attire. He had wondered if you were going to go scouting in L’manburg and almost wanted to ask if he could come, but you had cut him off before he could. 

You handed him a sword, the first one you had ever made with your own hands when you were barely his age. 

“What’s this for? And why are you dressed like that?” 

You gave him a watery smile, “this sword helped me survive all this time, so I hope it serves you well in the war. And I can’t fight alongside you anymore, Tommy. Technoblade and Wilbur had made that very clear tonight.” 

“What? Wilbur? I’ll go speak to him right now if he’s makin’ you leave. You can’t leave, you just can’t!” Tommy stood to his full height, arms wrapping themselves around your smaller form. You patted his back, offering words of comfort. 

That night, you had left with a heavy heart, and despite your rather unpleasant last experiences with Will and Techno, you couldn’t help but to think of them fondly from time to time. 

That led to where you are now, in the Tundra, in a humble cottage in the middle of a clearing. There’s a village nearby, with wonderful farmers offering you discounted golden carrots for all the help you provided for them in the past 6 months. 

You never did find out the outcome of that war, and something tells you that it didn’t end in celebrations. You traveled far enough that even news from L’manburg would be unlikely to reach all the way here. Still, though, you can’t help but wonder where Technoblade is, if he’s been taking care of himself, if he’s even still alive. You snort at that, of course he’s still alive; Technoblade never dies. 

One day, you wake up with a slightly more cheery attitude than most other mornings. You prance around your house, humming songs to yourself while you clean and cook. It’s quiet, like it always is, and sometimes you find yourself wishing you’re back to the old days, when everything was loud, chaotic, and bloody. The silence, however, is a luxury you never knew you needed. 

Your black cape and golden crown (one that Techno gave you in order to match with him), hangs in your closet, unused. 

You make sure to polish the crown once a week, it being a gift from a man you harbored feelings for since your youth, you couldn’t bear to leave it to collect dust. You sigh wistfully, placing the newly polished crown on your head while looking at your reflection in the mirror. 

You can’t help but notice the way your features have softened, given your lifestyle with Techno over the years, you were almost never given a break from all of the bloodshed. Your eyes are brighter, and your face gleamed with a newfound glow, one that had always been stained by dirt and grime from the battlefield. You note faint scars running down your arms, a brief moment of insecurity passing through you as you remember the perfectly clean complexion the village women had. 

You’re cut off by your thoughts by a rapid and harsh knock on your front door, and you rush to take off the crown and place it back in your closet and head back downstairs. It’s odd, almost no one visits the Tundra, so the very idea that someone is knocking on your door is already incredibly bizarre. You figure it’s probably a wandering trader, a very impatient one sounding from the hurried knocks. 

You open the door roughly and step back slightly in shock. Phil stares back at you with equal emotion in his eyes, he obviously wasn’t expecting you to answer the door. Your gaze shifts to the man by his shoulders, hanging limply with his head down. 

“Help,” is all Phil’s able to say before you quickly wrap your arms around Techno’s midsection and lead him to lay down on your couch. Blood pools around his waist staining your cushions, but you can’t even acknowledge that. He’s passed out and pale, so you make quick work to tend to his injuries, finding him improperly wrapped in loose bandages. 

After cleaning his injuries, the worst of which being a stab wound on his midsection and a large gash on the arm, you wrap him with bandages and give him healing potions to speed up the recovery. With the help of your adopted father, you move Techno to your bed, closing the door before joining Phil on the floor near the fireplace. 

Phil watches you sit down next to him, eyeing your bloody hands before blinking away to stare at the flickering flame. He also notices your wings, or lack thereof, but chooses to stay silent. 

“What happened? Why is Techno like that?” 

He’s silent for a moment before answering, “after the big battle, they reclaimed L’manburg but reinstituted Tubbo as the new president. Techno didn’t like that, so he fought back. It was him against everyone else. After that he fled to escape but someone was able to shoot him down with an arrow and stab him. I knocked the guy out and tried to fix Techno, but I couldn’t do that with everyone chasing us down. So, I took him on a boat and ended up here. Gave him enough healing potions to not die, but I barely had enough. Thank god we found you.” 

You go quiet at that, a question annoying you at the back of your mind. 

“Did he do it?” From your tone, the man realizes you’re referring to Wilbur, and his heart clenches at the fresh memory. 

“He did. I barely got there in time, mate. I tried to talk him out of it but…” he trails off, shoving his face into his hands to hide his tears, “I killed him.” 

Your shoulders slump in sympathy, about to comfort him, “Phil, it’s not your faul—” 

“No. I literally killed him. When he pressed the button, he gave me his sword and…” this time he lets out a weak laugh, “did I do the right thing, birdie? Was I right to kill my own son?” 

You can’t wrap your head around that. “Wilbur’s dead?” 

Phil cries quietly to himself, nodding his head to affirm your thoughts, making you let out a small ‘oh’. 

You’re at a loss for words. Sure, Wilbur had been nothing but toxic to you the last time you had seen him, but that didn’t overshadow the years of love and affection he had given you in your childhood. Deep down, you knew the Wilbur you had seen last had been nothing but the shell of the person that gave you piggy back rides when you were learning to fly so you can experience being off your feet, of the person that bandaged your knee when you had tripped and had been too scared to tell Phil you had gotten hurt, of the person that sang you songs on his guitar whenever you felt restless at night because he knew they helped you sleep. Wilbur is—was—your brother. 

“He went crazy, Phil. Too clouded by his emotions to think straight. He endangered the lives of everyone around him. He wasn’t Wilbur anymore at that time, Phil. He was just a man that had lost everything, too scared to rebuild from scratch that he just destroyed his work so no one else could have it. It was like watching a child who lost their favorite toy. Jesus, Phil, if you’d seen him then…” You watch the crackling fire, words caught in your throat, unable to finish the sentence, silence lying heavily in the air. “He needed to be stopped.” 

The man you saw as your father goes quiet, and from the corner of your eyes you see just how this man aged. Despite being immortal, Phil always had what you called ‘sleepy eyes’ referring to the way he seems to constantly have bags underneath his eyes that made him look sleep deprived despite being well-rested; a trait that Wilbur inherited, and Techno had purely because of his lack of a proper sleep schedule. Tommy used to tease them about it, despite having developed it slightly after his staying up with you, Wilbur, and Techno in the dead of the night to sneak out when Philza was asleep. 

“Guess we’re both flightless now, huh?” You ask after a moment, studying his burned feathers that would surely never heal properly enough for him to take flight. He let out a humorless chuckle, dull eyes closing for a moment. 

“I tried to shield him from the explosion but it resulted in quite some irreversible damage.” He stretches his wings out, barely even a quarter of its original length, black feathers singed and unrecognizable. He gives you a glance from the side, “you never told me about yours.” 

You hum, and your back burns with phantom pain. “I lost them in an arena. A couple years after we left, Techno and I participated in this free-for-all arena and some guy ambushed me from behind and cut them off.” Your left hand grips your sleeve, images of red and withering feathers flashing before your eyes. You feel a gentle hand on your back, and all of it stops. 

You and Phil sit together in well-appreciated silence, basking in each other’s presence after so many years of no contact. A shuffle from the other room catches your attention, you turn and see Techno stepping out of the room, one hand supporting himself on the wall and the other wrapped around his midsection, tight against his fresh wound. You and him make eye contact for a split second before you turn away and he redirects his gaze to Phil. 

From the corner of your eyes you see them staring at each other, having what seems to be a silent conversation before the older man sighs and gets up. He pats you on the head once and gives Techno a nod before stepping outside. Uh oh. You know what’s coming next and you don’t know if you’re ready for it. You say nothing when you hear approaching footsteps from behind you, staring at the dwindling flame in the fireplace. You say nothing when he sits behind you on the couch, unable to sit on the floor because of his injuries. You say nothing when you turn around from your sitting position on the floor to look up at him. 

Despite only being apart for 6 months, Techno sure looks older. Maybe it had been the effects of war, but both you and him have gone through countless battles before and you had never seen his face like this. Grim, serious, unapproachable. Something in his eyes flicker when he stares at you; pity, remorse. 

“I’m sorry.” Techno says after a moment, looking guilty as his facade slowly breaks. 

You don’t know what to say. The Blood God, infamous for his unyielding wrath and immeasurable power, for his countless victories in war, for his presence made to induce fear upon people, bowing his head to you in remorse. Was this the same Blood God that you hear countless stories of? No, this is Techno. Your best friend, your partner in crime, your person. 

“I know.” 

[bookishofalder]

STARFISH | Mini Series | Drabble 3

“Fish, it was an accident. Stop beating yourself up.” Santi keeps his voice low, watching Little retreat into the house to look for you half an hour after you had gone inside to rest after your fall.

You hadn’t returned, and he was concerned that you were in pain or more injured than you let on. Little had rolled her eyes before stating she was going to check on you, giving Frankie a pointed look he didn’t understand before heading to shore.

Frankie and Santi were sitting together at the end of the dock now. Will and Benny were in the water with Rosie, taking turns at attempting to teach her how to swim. He turns back to watch them, nods to confirm to Santi friend that he heard him, but makes no reply.

He’d just admitted, quietly as Little moved out of ear shot, that he’d lost his grip on Rosie’s hand because he’d been absolutely blown away by how gorgeous you looked. She was a good kid, usually stayed close to Frankie, but the sight of the ocean seemed to have overwhelmed her and she’d taken advantage of his loosened hold to rip away, teetering dangerously close to the edge of the dock.

If it hadn’t been for your quick thinking, he doesn’t know what would have happened.

Frankie was hard on himself—everyone agreed, and told him as much. Always reminding him that he’s an amazing single father and doing more than his best. But if that were true, why was Elena so eager to leave? He knew it wasn’t love that they shared, but once Rosie was born he was smitten, ready to commit to her for life in order to stay with his little girl.

It was clear very quickly after bringing the baby home that she didn’t want to be with him, and had no illusions that they would make it work. He tried to transition things as amicably as possible, biting his tongue every time she flounced away on a girls weekend or didn’t answer his calls after forgetting to pick Rosie up for her scheduled visits.

Elena had been too generous when it came to dividing the parental rights, and it had been Little who had reviewed the paperwork and pointed it out to Frankie. He’d been elated to be the primary caregiver, and hadn’t put too much thought into what that really meant. And then the months started going by and she became even less involved in Rosie’s life, weening her from breast milk and cancelling her weekends completely at the last minute.

But Frankie had held out hope all that time that she would get through the phase and want to be Rosie’s mother. Until the day that she sent over the final papers, releasing her from all parental rights.

He’d seen it coming…but it had been a huge blow, nonetheless. And while he still mourned the loss for Rosie’s sake, he was much happier with her no longer in the picture. It had taken time, but then Little and Santi got engaged and he found himself growing closer and closer to you.

“I don’t know about you man, but seeing a person completely disregard their own well-being to save a kid…I mean, she didn’t even hesitate,” Santi smacks his hands together loudly, “I thought she’d broken something until you pulled her out of the water.”

Frankie grunted, “So what’s your point? I know I can never repay Star for what she did.”

Santi shakes his head, his gaze settling on Frankie. “I just mean, holding yourself back from a good person—I did that for years Frankie. I’ve loved Little for years and the whole time you tried to convince me to just admit it to her. Well, now it’s my turn to say the same thing to you.”

“Not everyone gets that happy ending, Pope. Even if Star did like me,” Frankie sighs roughly, glancing around to ensure no one was listening, “I’m a recovered addict, PTSD ridden old man with a toddler. She’s young and talented and her family is fucking loaded. What would that look like? I’d be saddling her down with far too much baggage.”

Santi is silent for a minute, just long enough that Frankie hopes he made his point but when his friend finally speaks again it’s clear he has a lot more to say.

“You can’t keep punishing yourself for Elena’s failings. She never deserved either of you, and you didn’t do anything wrong. You deserve to be happy and Rosie deserves to grow up with a father who finds joy in life,” Santi’s hand stretches out to pat Frankie’s leg, “Star might not be the one—although I have good money on a bet that she is. But closing yourself off from these things, it ages you. Makes you tired and resentful. Just think about it, Frankie. You deserve to be happy.”

touched by his friends openness, Frankie reaches down and briefly grips his hand. When he pulls away and looks back out to watch Rosie in the water, she’s giggling so hard it makes them all laugh, and he feels something inside of him chip away. Like a last fragment of guilt, blowing away into the wind.

Taglist @idreamofboobear @nicolethered @evyiione @mermaidxatxheart @paintballkid711 @ladydmalfoy @maryfanson @hnt-escape @wyofabdoms @wildmoonflower @drakelover78 @nuttyunknowndetective-blog @fauxcongenialite @goldielocks2004

[river-bottom-nightmare]

"you were missed, you know.” the voice is light, balancing on the edge of airy like a coin on its rim, in a way only careful practice yielded. so jason whirls around, faster than he normally would in a neatly-pressed suit and loose dress shoes. 

there’s a woman, close cropped red hair swinging into her face and pulling at the corners of her mouth until her expression is as severe as her form. there’s a scar on her jaw and, oh, the memory tumbles into his head as if pushed. kate kane, proof that vigilantism is genetic, once tugged jason into into her side and pulled him away from a particularly leering investor at function. the bite of her nails on his skin was a thousand times sweeter than the man’s smile.

she smirks. “hi.”

“haven’t seen you in a while,” jason responds, attempting casual and instead tripping, falling into his crime lord persona, since he doesn’t know how else to interact with people when he’s jason peter todd-wayne. 

“not since you died,” kate remarks and damn, right for the gullet. “you’ve grown up.”

jason shrugs, suddenly feeling thirteen years old again, suddenly feeling all of four feet, eight inches in the face of her candidness. “time’s funny like that.”

she eyes him carefully, trying to fish for the truth in what she believes is a lie wrapped in a careful quip. jason doesn’t blame her: he’s cultivated quite a reputation for himself. but he stripped the sarcasm from his words before he spoke them, and their rawness is shrouded in the bubbling champagne and crystal chandelier around them, but it’s no less present for anyone who knows how to peel the veil back.

“you were missed,” she repeats, satisfied with his answer. “not sure anyone’s told you that since you’ve come back. your family’s a stubborn bunch. i just wanted to make sure.”

“make sure i knew i was missed?” jason clarifies, feeling a little foolish, because dick wouldn’t beg to save his life but there were a few times that his words came close to pleas, and tim had made it clear how much he’d upheld the pedestal he’d put jason on, and alfred had actually told him that to his face. 

but this was the first time he found himself truly believing those familiar words. he hadn’t known kate, not at all. and yet, she nodded, clapped him on the shoulder once, twice, then left, completely unaware of the pit of resentment she’d carved out of jason’s stomach and thrown on the ground until jason felt like he’d slip on it if he moved, if he breathed.

she didn’t look back, but jason’s eyes didn’t stop following her until she was out of sight.

*

"you were missed, you know.” jason doesn’t startle, his training is etched into every scar decorating his skin, and there are times that he grips and holds onto those scars like a lifeline. he’s far too practiced to flinch, but he’d be lying to himself if his heart didn’t skip a beat.

he forgave himself in the next second, though. cassandra cain could make men much more experienced than him recoil. she appeared soundlessly, and folded down beside him with a grace that jason hadn’t seen anywhere outside his family. the amount of space she left between them, the relaxed posture that left visible tension cording through her arms like pulling steel taffy, the tilt to her body that made jason automatically want to open his mouth and let his tumultuous thoughts come out as an oil spill: right now, cass had dick grayson’s brushtrokes all over her.

“dick put you up to this?” 

cass shook her head, then bit her lip in a considering movement. jason wondered if he’d practiced, because bruce had long since broken that dangerous habit out of his children. 

“i am still working on comfort. assurance,”  she said, rifling through the words like flash cards, picking the most accurate ones. “i thought i’d practice.”

“oh? and why exactly do you think i need comfort.”

“i overheard your argument,” she admitted, “with bruce.”

“i didn’t think anyone was there.”

“i didn’t mean to,” she said. “sorry. but i heard what you said.”

jason scoffed. “prove me wrong. one step forward, two steps back with that dense motherfucker.”

“sign of protection,” cass said. “not distrust.”

out of everyone to say that to him, cass was probably the least likely. jason had thought she, of all people, would be on his side after he found the microchip in his helmet. she, of all people, would value independence after being owned for so long.

“by the time he found you, you were dead. and he missed you more than anything. he will never let that happen again.”

“oh yeah? privacy mean nothing to him? i know he’s crazy about this stuff but come on. there’s a limit.”

“you are not relying on him because of this.” cass stood up, stretching her back, though jason was sure she really didn’t have to. “he is relying on you. let him.”

*

“you were missed, you know.” 

“what, speaking from personal experience? i ain’t you, west.” jason could feel the gentle thrum of electricity behind him, making his hair stand on edge. two steps backward, and he’d be pulled into that void, that black hole of energy, that swirling vortex of pure power condensed into something human-shaped.

except he wouldn’t. it was just wally. just dick’s best friend joining him outside on the balcony. jason didn’t know how dick and tim could stand to be around speedsters willingly, for fun.

“i mean, sort of,” wally shrugged. “but me and you had very different experiences.”

“yeah, west, i’m not sure who else has been stuck in the fucking speedforce.”

wally snorted, an if only you knew hidden in plain sight. jason decided he really didn’t want to know. “i mean there’s that,” the speedster concedes, “but also, everyone forgot i existed. that didn’t happen with you.”

“you sure about that?” 

“hey,” wally eyed him, his eyes suddenly sharp. “don’t start that shit. i was erased from the memories of everyone i loved. you did nothing but stay in the memories of your family.”

“now i know we’re talking about two different things.”

“jason,” wally sighed, and the sheer exasperation pouring off him made jason want curl his fingers, bring them up for a swing, taste the bite of pain that would prick at his knuckles, nevermind the fact that wally would dodge anyway. “don’t do that.”

he turned to face the speedster, arms crossed deliberately over his chest. “where the hell do you get off acting like dick?”

“you’re more like dick than you realize,” wally said, “and i spent half my childhood dealing with his moods. actually, i still do.”

“do you have a point?” jason snapped, starting to get irritated. he wasn’t sure why. he’d spent his entire life one one end of a scale, dick grayson on the other. he’d always tipped his end down. this was the first time someone was telling him the scale was even.

“just because your family didn’t mourn the way you wanted them to,” wally said, “doesn’t mean they didn’t mourn you.”

“fuck you.”

“they loved you. and they missed you,” wally continues, steamrolling right over jason in a way most speedsters were prone to do. “there’s no minimum requirement for loss. no ‘if you didn’t do this, then you didn’t grieve me.’ that’s not even a situation, ever.”

“so that makes everything bruce did okay?” jason sputtered

“not at all. god knows i disagree with bruce on more things than i tolerate. but this is one thing you can’t fault him on.”

it wasn’t that easy, though. jason wanted to scream it at wally’s face, it wasn’t that easy. it wasn’t about whether bruce loved him enough,,,,except maybe it was. jason wanted bruce to have loved him enough to make a difference in gotham. jason wanted bruce to have missed him enough to change things, because change meant that bruce had been so hurt by his death that he refused to let it happen to anyone else again.

bruce had made a vow after his parents died. the fifteen year old inside jason was begging bruce why he hadn’t been afforded the same devotion. jason was his son.

“just something to think about,” wally said, then stepped backward, making to go inside where dick was calling him. “you were afforded the luxury of coming back with a place left empty in your family for you. you didn’t have to make it, like i did.”

“being dead, then coming back wrong isn’t a fucking luxury,” jason snarled.

with a shrug, wally turned, a little faster than the average human, lightning sparking at his heels as he left jason alone on the balcony. “depends on your definition of wrong.”

jason get therapy. please. also happy deathday

honestly i couldn’t decide whose side of the argument i was on, jason’s or wally’s.

tag list: @woahjaybird @birdy-bat-writes @anothertimdrakestan @screennamealreadyused @subtleappreciation @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @bikoncon @bonkybearjpeg @maplumebleue-blog-blog @sundownridge @thatsthewhump @xatanna-troy @red-hood-redemption

[elysianslove]

Hey I really love your writing, love how you describe each character. Is it ok if I request some Suna smut in a pool?? I saw a tiktok about it and I think you’d be the best person for it

Here’s the link:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSGc7yax/

Even if you can’t write, I hope you enjoy the tiktok✨

i’m so honored ty so much for this request!! i hope you like this!!! also omg watching the tiktok i was like hm okay suna, neon pool that’s hot, osamu, kitchen sex great, and then it was kita and a FARM???? bdshjdbskjd

anyways! warnings; unprotected semi-public sex under the cut, they fuck in a pool basically, some praise too, probably some mistakes im sorry dbshdk

━ the floor’s tiles feel cold against the skin of your forearms as you lean forward towards the edge of the pool, folding your arms and resting your cheek in the crook of your elbow. your lower body sways slightly from the ripple of waves you’d made swimming over here, until it gently calms, lulling you with a sigh. with the dim lighting of the room, and the calm, fluorescent, pink light illuminating from within the pool’s walls itself, you find yourself slowly dozing off, your breathing steadily evening out, the cold water long since heated to your body’s accommodation.

“don’t go fallin’ asleep on me now.” the voice is clearer, and closer, than you’d expected, and when you lift your head and tilt it slightly, you’re greeted with your boyfriend’s sultry smile. his arms are quick at finding their way around your middle, and he ducks down, pressing his face into the damp crook of your neck.

you sigh, lifting yourself up away from the edge, leaning more into his touch as the simple ghost of his lips turns into timid, gentle kisses. humming appreciatively, you lift an arm up, towards the messy, wet strands of his hair, carding your fingers generously through them, tugging lightly, just the way he likes it. “you feel so nice like this,” you confess in a low voice, and the light kisses he trails along your neck and shoulder cease for a moment, before you hear him sigh deeply.

“you can’t jus’ say things like that,” he groans.

you laugh, mindful of the way his arms tighten around you. “like what?” you tease. “i didn’t mean it like that.”

instead of replying, suna hotly presses his mouth near your pulse point, before he starts to kiss and suck. you’ve always known of his infatuation with your neck, with the way he’d constantly bury his face there, marking you purple and blue for everyone else to see. you don’t think it’s as much of a possessive thing as it is a mere fetish, but it satisfies him all the same.

he continues kiss along your neck, occasionally grazing his teeth along your skin, while his hands daringly travel up higher and higher. you’re in a rather revealing bathing suit, leaving little to imagination, and his appreciation of it is confirmed when he cups your breasts, his large hands squeezing roughly and tugging slightly.

“rin, not here,” you have half a mind to say, because you’re not exactly in the most private location, and while there exist no security cameras in the pool area of the hotel you’re in, you don’t hold the key to the lock, and there’s always the chance of getting caught. “someone could walk in.”

“let them,” he quickly retorts, his voice gruffer. his relentless tugging at the top half of your bathing suit has already halfway slipped it off, the strings of it no match for his desire for you.

“we’ll make a mess,” you reason, but even you are succumbing to his touches. “we always make a mess.” your nipples are freed  from the wet suit as he gives it one last harsh tug, and the strings pull at your neck, falling away off your shoulders, and he tosses it carelessly aside outside of the pool. you flinch and gasp in sensitivity as the cold water of the pool hits your nipples, hardening the buds considerably.

his fingers are quick to pinch at them, rolling them dexterously between his thumb and pointer finger as he whispers against your ear, “then i’ll just have to cum inside of you.” you bite at your tongue to prevent the moan that builds at your throat, muffling it barely as he adds, “you’ll be a good girl ‘n keep it all in, yeah?”

his mouth resumes its work on your neck as you finally relax in his hold, leaning your head back and giving him more access to your throat. your back arches into his touch as he pinches and tugs and squeezes at your nipples and breasts. “my baby’s got the prettiest tits, hm?” he says, urging you to arch your back further as he tugs harshly at your nipples, pulling his fingers away from your body and forcing you to lean forward so you’re not in too much pain.

“please, rin,” you moan. “be quick.”

you hear him grunt, and a few seconds later, his hands leave your breasts. you don’t get to mourn the loss for long, but a whine still leaves your lips as his hands slip to your waist. he thumbs at the lower half of your bathing suit, fingers slipping past the boundary. “i’ve always wanted to do this with you,” he admits to you, his fingers slipping further until they meet the heat of your cunt. your gasping moans urge his fingers further, until he’s slipping one inside of you, eased by your wetness. “seems like you feel the same,” he teases, and you sigh in annoyance, gritting your teeth.

you’re unable to stop yourself from rolling your hips in time with the slow thrust of his finger. he leaves you a panting mess, breasts softly bouncing among the water, causing gentle waves every time you rock back into him. he adds another finger, curling it deftly inside of you that he has your gasps turning into breathless squeals.

“fuck this,” you hear him say, impatience evident in his tone as he pulls his fingers out of you, forcing you to slump forward. you’re shivering from both the cold hair that nips at your skin, and the overwhelming desired state he’s left you in. your hands grip the edge of the pool, and you arch your back, pushing your ass closer to him.

his hands meet your skin again, and he quickly grips the waistline of your bathing suit, tugging it down your legs. you do the rest of the work, urging it lower and slipping one foot out until it rests at one ankle. “move up,” he asks of you, and you comply, shifting forward, closer to the edge of the pool, until the hands on your waist grip you to keep you steady. he has you where he wants you, your breasts barely grazing the top of the water, leaving your body tight and trembling.

“rin,” you warn. “rin, come on.”

to prove your point, you push your hips out again, desperate for his touch, and he laughs, “alright, alright, calm, baby.” he grips his hardened cock in his hand, his own suit pushed just beneath his balls, as he shifts closer to you. “i’ll give it to ya,” he promises, his voice clearly deeper. with his free hand gripping your hip tightly, keeping you in place, he nudges your legs further apart by knocking his ankle against yours. when you’re nice and spread out, bent over for him, he presses the tip of his cock against your soaking cunt.

mesmerized by the way it looks beneath the water, a little distorted but also highlighted with the illumination of the neon colors within the pool, he watches as his cock sinks deeper and deeper within you, as your hips push against him to urge him further within you, as you take more, and more, and more of him, until he’s bottomed out, his hips resting against yours.

“hngh, fuck,” he curses, and shit if only he had his phone near him right now.

“feel good,” you breathe out, rolling your hips slightly while keeping him fully sheathed within you. “feel so good.”

he hums in agreement, tossing his head back slightly, his eyes fluttering shut as the hands on your hips guide your movements, encouraging them. his cock remains inside of you, twitching with every roll of your hips. “yeah,” he agrees, carefully leaning forward, the angle deepening his cock even more than you thought possible, brushing against your sensitive spot. his lips hover by your spine, painting little gasps along your skin as he trails up to your neck. “yeah, feel so good,” he repeats after you, then finally, he rocks his hips back, pulling his cock out slightly, before he thrusts back in.

you yell out accidentally, but suna’s quick to react, one hand flying up to clasp over your mouth, muffling your scream. your moans hiccup and drag out, your mouth remaining open against his palm as he fucks into you, not too fast, but oh so deep. the noises that leave you, accompanying the slosh of water as your hips join against his, sounds like something you’d hear in a porn video, and the thought leaves you blushing from the tips of your ears down to your chest.

but you assume that it’s not just the thought that leaves you flustered.

you can feel the bulge of his biceps tightening as he lifts himself up slightly, shifting behind you, his cock continuously thrusting inside of you, marking you. you attempt to push your hips back to meet him in time of his thrusts, but by the way he’s quickening, you find it harder and harder to match up to his pace.

“rin, rin, rin,” you mewl against his palm, and his breathing stutters.

“fuck,” he groans, the quickness of his thrusts forcing your forward. “fuck, you’re so perfect for me.” you whine at his words, and his hand leaves your mouth free. your head falls forward, no longer held up by his grasp against your lips. you hear him grunt sharply, before his hand twists in your wet, tangled hair, and he pulls you up suddenly. a sob wretches from your throat at the action and the change in angle, and fuck, you can feel him in your stomach at this point.

you toss your head back, resting it against his shoulder as one of your hands comes up to squeeze at your breast. all worries of being caught have vanished from your mind, your brain completely clouded by the desire he drowns you in. “play with yourself, doll,” he encourages. “make yourself cum on my cock.”

it sounds so sinful falling from his lips, and fuck, suna’s always been a dirty talker, a smooth one too, and you’re sure at some point he’s made you cum from his words only. you obey his command, mumbling incoherently, “love you rin, always feel so fucking good,” one hand remaining on your breast, the other sinking beneath the water to rub circles at your clit. you’re sent over the edge almost immediately, your body doubling over, held up by his strong arm around your middle and steadied by his hand on your hip as your legs shaking uncontrollably beneath the water.

he continues to hold you to him, fucking you through your orgasm, then using your spent body to bring himself over the edge. he cums with a shout, a yell buried in your shoulder, his eyes shutting tightly and his mouth falling open in endless gasps. he hadn’t been bluffing when he’d said he’d fill you up, and he sticks to his word, his cock buried deep inside of you as it paints your inner walls white, spasming and twitching.

wordlessly, he leans down slightly while still gathering his breath, wrapping both arms around you before lifting you up, his cock slipping out of you consequently.

“rin, wha—“ you squeal as he pushes you up, bending you over the edge, pressing your upper body against the colder surface of the floor, your nipples hardening impossibly at the cold. “what are you doing?” you ask, your hands flat against the ground, keeping you steady.

you feel his hand urging your angle up, bending your legs as he pulls your foot through the bathing suit, sliding it up your legs. ah, so that’s what he—

“rintarō!”

unexpectedly, two of his fingers push inside of you, and your cunt spams around him, from both the suddenness of the action and from the sensitivity.

“what?” he asks innocently, his fingers pushing deeper, twisting inside of you. “you said you’d keep it all in,” he reminds you, giving his fingers an experimental, spiteful curl, before mercifully pulling them out, and finally dragging your bathing suit over the curve of your ass.

“you done?” you deadpan, throwing him a look over your shoulder.

in response, he lazily grins at you, giving your ass two small pats as he admits, “not entirely.” with his hands braced on the edge, he lifts himself up, and you’re graced with the view of his tight biceps and his broad chest, abs taut and rolling as he breathes carefully. then, he leans over, hands on either side of you, as he adds, “wanna fuck you in the shower, then bend you over every surface of our hotel room.”

fuck — fuck he’s so good with his mouth.

with a gentle kiss pressed to your shoulder, he wonders, “how’s that sound, pretty baby?”

and who are you to object to someone with as sinister of a mouth as him?

end note; 👁👁

[starshipsofstarlord]

Sheer | Kai Parker

Warnings; SMUT, ANGST, and FLUFF, mentions of death, mourning, loss, mentions of murder, trauma, swearing, unprotected sex,

A/N; sorta made up a whole storyline for this imagine, may be a teeny bit different and may have gotten a little carried away, please enjoy loves

It would not uphold, the weather held a grudge against you as you trudged through the pouring rain, cursing you for thinking that you would be safe on your lonesome.

Instead of a monster, the world wished for you to drown in its falling rivers, making you shiver down to the bone. It was too cold, but you had to go there, it was a ritual.

Since the death of your boyfriend, Aaron, who was killed by Damon, someone you thought to be a friend, you felt broken.

You had tried everything to bring him back, but without the power of a witch, it was deemed impossible, and Bonnie refused to help you, claiming that it was necromancy, and far from her beliefs.

It angered you, how everybody would dismiss the lost lives that Damon took. He got a free pass, he didn’t even regret his own invalid actions.

He was a monster, and you hated him. If you couldn’t bring Aaron back, then you would instead kill his murderer. That would not only give you a sense of revenge, but also make the world a safer place. There would be one less vampire making people’s lives a misery.

“Hi there.” You stopped in your tracks, the voice sending shivers down your spine. Whilst it sounded like a man, in reality it could be anything.

The skin of a human was a disguise the majority of the time, a bloodsucker or a wolf coping inside the exterior, thirsting to break free from the walls of bones and flesh.

“Kai.” He was not exactly human, he was a witch, the one thing that you needed. You had met him through Elena, who was luckily also angered by Damon’s actions, Aaron had been her friend.

And just like that, he had died. But she hid her feelings well, pretending all was fine because she was in love with the gruelling monster that you wished to execute.

However, even though you wanted to bring back your lost beloved, the time that had passed made your mind being up the idea of moving on.

The first person that sprung into your imagination was Kai Parker, the new sociopath in town. He was new, unaware of the traumatising past experience that lingered in your heart, and not to mention, his specimen was one of beauty.

Those grey eyes, ever so curious could bore straight into your soul, and you’d gladly let him mangle it, you no longer had a use for it anyway.

“Why are you out here y/n/n?” He asked with a tilt of his head that had your heart beating profusely.

Everyone knew of his effect on you, but they told you to dismiss it. It was cruel, that they’d rather have you mourning the loss of your partner than to move on with another.

To you, it didn’t matter if he were supposed to be the enemy, you no longer wanted to fight their battles. All you desired was to be in love, with somebody that felt the same.

And whilst you doubted that Kai knew how to feel such a strong emotion, some attention wasn’t the worst thing in the world. As a matter of fact, it worked well as a distraction, it made you almost forget the grudge that you held against the eldest Salvatore.

Almost.

“It’s nothing.” You whisked the direction of the conversation away from your deceased boyfriend, not wanting to talk about him to anyone, let alone Malachai Parker.

Even thinking of Aaron caused a void to open in the middle of your chest, it was unbelievably painful. You thought some people, such as Bonnie would understand, rather than think the loss as a regular occurrence.

To put it simply, the entire ordeal was completely fucked up, and you felt much more guilty for biting your lip at the expression that Kai pulled; his eyebrows raised, and his fingers carefully running down the side of his own jaw.

Oh god, his fingers. There were so many things that you could imagine him doing with those, and from the way he waved them on a greeting, he knew that he teased the thought too.

“Basically...” he began, rolling his grey eyes with what he liked to call modesty, and you classified as boredom, “you’re stuck out in the rain, and if I’m not mistaken, you live halfway across town.”

“Stalker much?” You sneered, crossing your arms across your chest, which only made his gaze wander down, and hold their movements for a dragged out moment. “What are you looking at?” You exasperatedly sighed, only understanding when you followed his peering.

He was focused on your chest, that through your white shirt, appeared almost bare. The lace of your bra was giving him a clear frontal, and so you adjusted your arms, so that they covered more and whatever they had pushed up to peak his intrigue.

“Why am I not surprised?” Shaking your wet hair, which was pointless considering that it was still raining, you realised that you felt the creeping of the cold.

You had been oblivious to it, thinking that it was a side guest to your tears, almost a consequence. But you were no longer tearful, mostly angry at the killer that ruined your future and acted as though it were no big deal.

“I thought you were supposed to be at college.” Kai quirked his brow, proud of the fact that he knew that. However you shook your head, and watched as he removed his jacket, clasping it around your shoulders, shielding you somewhat from the weather.

It appeared as no big deal to him, but it was to you, sociopaths weren’t famous for being kind and charitable. They always had agendas, their agendas, well they were obviously sociopathic.

But from the glazing of the witch’s eyes, you only saw a lost man. He was misinterpreted by all that he knew, they treated him like an outsider, alienated him as though he were a monster, and validly that was why he was seen as one.

“No.” You whispered, confused as to why you were so complied to correct the man. “My boyfriend was killed, I don’t want to go back there, it’s clear why.”

You attempted to give him a small smile, but it came out as a pained grimace. Just the thought had your mood drained, even more so since there was no route to resurrect him.

“Oh yeah, I heard about that.” He didn’t shiver in the rain, instead he seemed comfortable simply standing there, conversing with you in the rainfall. “Damon did it, right?”

Licking your lips, you hesitantly nodded, ashamed of the fact that you had once called the vampire a friend. From the start, you were always wary of him, but eventually you managed to become close to him. And then he ruined your chance of happiness, literally sucking the life out of it.

“What a dick.” Kai was blunt with his annotation, but you couldn’t deny that he was right about them. “Sorry for your loss and all that blah blah. We should get somewhere warm though, you can tell me more.”

It was a strange feeling, you felt pulled to the male, it was as though he was one side of a magnet, and you were another. And so you accepted his invitation, and followed him, breathing in the scent of his black coat. It was much sweeter than you had expected.

🏹

His so called home was an apartment, that you no doubt expected he had convinced someone with his magic to give him rent free. Or he killed them, either or you guessed.

But the thought of death itself was one that you weren’t too keen on thinking about, not now. Instead, you’d rather enjoy the company of someone that didn’t shame you for hating and desiring to kill the one and only Damon Salvatore.

Most of your friends didn’t take you seriously, they just barked laughter, not believing, nor willing to think that you could ever commit such a sentence. But they didn’t share your pain, if they did, you were sure that they’d understand.

Matt got it, he resented the vampire and a lot of the other blood suckers too. And your certainly couldn’t blame him, he had lost his sister, and there was no reason behind her change. It had all just been a game, a gruesome one at that.

Kai lightly removed his jacket from your shoulders, hanging it on a hook to dry. He almost appeared embarrassed, having you in such a private space.

But you didn’t want him to endure such a mindset as that. Instead you smiled, brushing your damp hair out of your face, grasping his hands. They were cold, and that made you frown. No one ever cared what he had gone through, instead they just wanted to rid the world of him.

Even his family had dismissed him, all because he had been different, and treating him as such had definitely had a mind mingling affect on him. It repented an unstoppable rage inside of him, one that ended in dead children and imprisonment.

“Thankyou.” The small example of affection had Kai tilt his head awkwardly and pull his hands away from your own. He wasn’t used to people even being polite towards him, let alone openly sharing contact with him.

You should have been scared of him. Or at least somewhat repulsed, but you weren’t, and it was a first for him. Most around him taunted him with blame, or pointed out his obvious flaws.

And so he ducked his chin downwards into his chest, taking a couple of steps back, mumbling something about retrieving you a dry shirt.

As you waited for him, you peeled off the sheer layer, dropping the ball of wet material upon the ground. Your bra had soaked into your skin, but you left that on out of modesty.

When Kai returned, his mouth gaped open, eyes widening at the half undressed sight of you. But he tried to avert your gaze, blushing at your lack of attire.

“It’s okay.” You jested to him , reaching out for the clean shirt that he had brought for you. “You can look, it’s not like I’m naked.”

“Yet.” He smirked as he allowed his stare to freely roam. His voice had been small, but you had heard it as clear as day. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be thinking like that, you’re in mourning and I get that you wouldn’t want to, yknow.”

His hand gestured between the pair of you , prompting what he was talking about. But maybe he was wrong, after all, it had been a while since you had any physical intimacy, and you’d be a fool to deny that there was chemistry between you and a particular witch.

“Don’t be sorry.” You put the dry shirt aside, walking closer to the brunette. “I am in mourning, but I’m going to get my revenge, and a distraction sure wouldn’t hurt.”

“And here I thought that you were just a pretty face.” Kai’s hand drifted to the side of your face, pulling you closer so that your lips were almost brushing. His breath ghosted over your own intermingling the fumes of lust and intrigue. “But it seems that there is a darkness in that mind of yours, I’m impressed with your plans to say the least.”

“I haven’t even told you any of them yet.” Your hand drifted under the band of his jeans, plucking teasingly at the denim, licking your teeth as you made strong eye contact with him.

“Tell me after.” He ordered, grasping your hips, and clashing your bodies together. Your lips worked hungrily against each other, both pairs of your hands grabbing all that they could, you and him both desperate to hold onto anything.

Kai shoved you backward into a table, trapping you against it as his lips fell downwards, and began to suck at your neck.

But at that contact, you pushed Kai away, freezing for a moment. Damon’s teeth had been on Aaron’s neck, sinking in and draining all that be worth.

“See Elena thinks I’m a monster, and she’s right.” You were unable to move as Aaron stood against the vampire, you had been compelled, and you wanted nothing more than to scream out for Damon to stop, but there was no audio in your throat.

There was no scream as Damon bared his fangs , nor when he sunk them into your boyfriend’s neck, instead you were holding back your tears, as you had been commanded to.

He held him to his mouth for a moment before dropping his body lifeless upon the ground. And you couldn’t help but stare at the sight.

Enzo wore a content smirk, and it sickened you to your stomach. Damon turned, his thirsty eyes boring into your form, that wanted nothing more than to crumble into a million people.

“You may now speak.” His pupils found yours, engaging with your soul, that felt broken and completely shattered.

“Are you going to kill me too?” A part of you was hopeful that he would, but as he came closer, you recognised the mischief in his stance.

He had plans for you, none of which you suspected to like. “Do it, show Elena how much of a monster you really are!”

If he killed you, you’d have liked to think that Elena would be furious , but it was expected that eventually she would forgive him when he put his humanity back on.

“Or instead...” you feared his humoured expression, eyes flickering between his feet that were walking closer to you and your dead partner that lay lifelessly a couple of meters away. “I could show her how much of a monster you are.”

He bit into his wrist, bringing it towards your mouth, and as much as you felt the urge to squirm, you could do nothing more but stand there and abide his compulsion.

“Are you okay?” Kai asked, brushing his nose against your own, wanting to know if you wanted to continue. He knew that you were a victim of trauma, and he understood it’s affects.

In regards to his past, his coping method had been inflicting it in return. But you had done no foul against him, and so he would not torture you or force you into something that you had no intention of continuing.

“Yeah.” You breathed, blinking to push the memory away, temporarily at least. “Bedroom.” You ushered, squealing distractedly as he hoisted you into his arms, wrapping your legs perfectly around his waist.

He dropped you upon the mattress, hovering over you, removing his shirt after you began to tug on the dark and rain pelted material.

Leaning your elbows, you unclipped the back of your bra, discarding it somewhere far from your memory, and Kai sunk down, his lips latching onto your nipple, playing with the other in his rough hands.

“Your fucking gorgeous.” He hummed around your breast, his fingers drifting down your stomach to the band of your leggings.

His compliment made you smile, and as he ripped off your pants, he slipped a hand inside of your panties, rubbing your sensitive flesh. But you groaned, frowning at his tantalising actions.

“Just need you inside of me.” You told him, and he was more than happy to comply, so he worked on his belt, as you slipped off your own underwear, and removed the torn fabric from around your legs.

When you looked up, you noticed that he was completely bare, and already had himself in hand. There was precum balancing on his tip and at the sight you licked your lips.

“You ready?” He asked bringing his head down to your chin, placing a delicate kiss upon the bump, and teasing his other tip against your opening, swiping through your wetness and using it to lube himself up.

“God yes.” You sighed, your hands finding refuge upon the back of his shoulders, your nails sinking into his firm skin.

And so, with consent, he pushed in, groaning at the initial tightness. “And I thought that it was wet outside.” He laughed, causing you to snort, he was funnier than you had expected him to be.

It almost made you swoon, but no, you couldn’t be interested in Kai, could you? Everyone thought you had been, even Bonnie had stated that you often undressed him with your eyes in the worst of situations, but it had never been a big deal to you.

And then it hit you like a ton of bricks, with a snap of Kai’s hips. All along you had denied any interest of another man, all because of the one that you had lost. And everyone already knew that there were sparks between you and the witch, before either of you had caught on.

“Shit.” He huffed, reaching down and biting your lips, causing your eyes to flutter sensuously, and dark veins to appear underneath.

At the feeling, you tried to bury your face sidewards into the pillow so that he couldn’t see, but he held you still as he gave shallow thrusts inside of you.

“Don’t look away, I think you’re beautiful.” Him saying that alone had you almost in tears. Despite trying to bring Aaron back you feared what he would think of you when he returned, or well, if he could.

Would he think you a monster, that stood idly by when he was killed? Because if so, you’re heart would literally break, and you wouldn’t be able to bare living any longer.

Living, funny. You hardly described what you were doing as such anyways. But currently, you did truly feel alive again, perhaps that was just the affect of having a dick inside of you.

But as Kai reached down and fiddled with your clit, you knew that you were done for. Your head fell back, eyes closed and mouth open, showcasing your fangs, your orgasm hitting you like a train.

He continued his movements until he felt he was nearing his point, and then he finished too, having no worry in impregnating you as you were well, to put it lightly , dead.

Both of you panted as he pulled out and fell beside you. Your eyes stared at the ceiling, your concentration eventually broken when Kai spoke.

“Damon did it, didn’t he? He turned you.” Your face had returned to its previous disguise, you looked human once more. But it was no secret that you were now a savage, a monster like Damon.

“Yeah.” You bit your lip, trying not to cry at the thought. It was the last thing in the world that you ever wanted, but Damon knew that too. And so he had cursed you, for all of eternity.

“Then he deserves to die.” Kai stated, he was already against the Salvatores, but his hatred for them had just increased.