#stop making idols feel as if every single move they make will burden them more than it should

[min-gummy]

the media can go suck my middle toe at a 45 degree angle

[studiojeon]

troubled outsiders | intro - jjk

| summary | -  how you two end up pining for each other.

warnings: none :) 

content: idol!jungkook x student!oc, friends to lovers (because it’s THE superior trope okurrrt), jungkook is quiet and shy but a social butterfly when needed (and when it comes to oc but you’re not supposed to know that yet), oc is both a badass and a socially akward queen, she has TWO friends and only because one is dating the other (like... same), the Lee Charyeong is her bestie, oc works at bighit and feels like everyone either fears her or hates her, author nim is a crackhead and has no plot planned for this series whatsoever (doesn’t know if she’ll keep this up, we’ll see).

words: 1.93 k

His presence was overwhelming, to say the least. Even if he were surrounded by six hundred other equally handsome men, somehow, to you (and the majority of the female population, at that point) he was as captivating and magnetic as they come. Jeon Jungkook didn't pay no mind to no one, but sure as hell everyone became hyper aware of his existence and essence in time. And that didn’t exclude you.

Yet, as nonchalant and indifferent as the man could be perceived, in reality he was more considerate and friendly than the aura he exuded. You knew this because working in the same company had to teach a thing or two about the people who literally carried said company and the whole industry at some point, still you barely knew four or three people, including your assistant and Jungkook, whom you had met once.

The opportunity of working at the company had come to you out of the blue, quite literally, you were attempting to send one of your assignments in when an email appeared in your notifications during your sailor moon study break. 

HYBE Entertainment

We’re glad to inform you that you’re being recruited for the position of Logistics Manager in one of our sub companies, BIGHIT Entertainment. We’ve thoroughly looked through the CV you’ve submitted and are very interested in your capabilities and what you can contribute to our organization. One of our other managers will gladly meet you on a day you can both agree on. Make sure to answer this email to get more details about your interview.

“Nani!? THE FUCK?” sure as hell that your eyes and cognitive functions were deceiving you (ADHD) you went over the text a little over three times in a row before the message settled in your mind. This was sus. 

Before even considering a reply you made a quick call. “Fucking Lee Chaeryeong” you spat on your end of the line. “You did this, didn’t you?”.

Her silence was more than enough to have you cursing her under your breath. “I don’t know what exactly you’re talking about but it most likely was me. Does it have to do with a sex toy in particular?”

“No” you denied almost monotonously, guessing the pile of boxes in the corner of your room with her names on them was what she referred to. “Does anything come to mind if i mention BIGHIT FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT?”

It was her. All those conversations during the summer about how badly you wanted to work in the entertainment business as marketing staff of some sort had their effect on your friend, who, despite all your excuses and denials, knew you better than you and your mom combined did, and because of this, was sure as hell you were not making a move towards that goal whatsoever. So, being the boss bitch she was, she took matters into her own hands, was what she explained.

You concluded that was the reason you had reached a point in your life where you had more experience than most recently graduated kids in your field, because Chaeryeong had you moving every summer break. You had been the manager of a coffee franchise and convenience store during you junior and senior years, and also figured a way to improve the marketing management strategy of a fucking restaurant while at it. Not to toot your own horn, but you were kind of cool.

Or not. “I hope this job satisfies your workaholic ass for once, I’m running out of ideas”. Chaeryeong spat before hanging up.

Sure as hell it would. 

On friday afternoon, you made your way to the HYBE INSIGHT building and introduced yourself to your recruiters who promised to give you a call at some point. “It went fine” you told Chaeryeong once you were in your car. And it was the truth, however you weren’t so sure if they would actually hire you at some point since well, you were a girl in a male dominated industry and, in your opinion, there were always better people than you. “Wanna go grab coffee?”

“I want to. But, I have practice today. I’m actually on my way there. Please avoid driving through Hongdae today, this shit’s packed.” You sighed and thanked her for the heads up. You missed your friend, badly. You hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, and you didn’t even live so far away from each other (you did, but it had been worse before). You two had very agitated lives to say the least. Chaeryeong was a kpop group member, and well, you were jumping from job to job and getting your phD in Business Management at the same time. It was hard to find moments to spare together during some periods of the year, but you guess the anticipation made your encounters better.

“Talk about anticipation” you slammed your forehead against your desk, taking a breather after such an anxiety packed situation. Short story: you got the job (for some fucking reason). And you had gone through a whole week of expectancy and anguish. Not getting that job would have broken your heart, and ego at the same time. 

You guessed the law of attraction tactics Chaeryeong had taught you had sorted their effect and were what led you to your current position in life.

“Miss _____, your presentation’s ready” your work assistant gave you a comforting pat in the back as she took a seat somewhere next to you. You were nervous, shitless. It was your fifth week at the job, and being the proactive woman you were, you had collected lots of data in order to come up with a resources management plan.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and more than a hundred people sat in front of you, waiting for your speech. Including him, who you’d once bumped into accidentally during one of your data recollections runs inside the building. 

You hated having the need to impress others yet, hence your anxious behaviour. But this was a decisive moment in regards to your validation in your new job and how you’d continue to be perceived during your work stance (no reason to panic at all)… you needed to get it together.

“I think I just pissed off a bunch of old men right now,” you told your assistant right after you got off stage. “I need a bathroom break”. Linh gave you a reassuring smile, one she always had plastered on her face.

“Take as long as you need to. I’ll give you a call once the rest are done”.

The commute to the bathroom was unnecessarily complicated in your opinion. You had spent a little over a month rushing through the hallways of the building and you swore every single day your spatial orientation got a bit more fucked up. There was no way there wasn’t a single bathroom on the floor you were in, that would just be atrocious. “It’s not completed yet” someone said beside you as you stared at the half empty map the company had projected on a wall next to the elevators. “Where do you need to go?” 

Kim Taehyung of all people in the world was talking to your ugly and unworthy ass. Your breath caught in your throat and after staring for at least five seconds your body finally reacted to your orders. “Oh, um… the bathroom. I’ve been looking for it for a good ten minutes” you explained with a nervous laugh.

“Trust me, I get it. I still get lost over here” he smiled gently. “It’s in the hallway in the middle of the next hallway” 

You laughed at his very ambiguous explanation. “Thank you” you bowed your head and made your way to said destination.

It was in the hallway to your left, not your right, and it took you a while to figure out that new piece of information. Once you were staring at yourself in the mirror, you realized that you looked considerably tired and exhausted from all the social interaction you had undergone throughout the day. You were used to the side stares and whispering you’d get whenever you entered a room at that point, but some days you just wished you could get a break from them. After all, it wasn’t your fault you didn’t look Korean at all, and that you also didn’t fit the stereotype of a foreigner.

You got that from your mom, both the non Korean features and social fatigue. But that wasn’t even the problem most of the time, it was your friendly and smart nature which she had also passed onto you. Some would consider it a blessing, but to you it was a burden, like a clear glass that shielded you from introducing yourself into other people’s realities. You had few friends and people to trust, but in your everyday life you had to deal with the pressure of standing out too much and that came with a lot of negative energy from others. You sigh as you spray your favorite fragrance on yourself. You could be feeling like shit, but no one will ever catch you slipping.

But that excluded him apparently. You hadn’t noticed that on the other side of the hallway was the men’s bathroom and the realization hit you as you were calmly getting some tea from the vending machine. “Good afternoon” the man greeted you as he made his way out the hallway, but stopped in his tracks right after he noticed you. “_____! Hi” he smiled at you and you wanted to die, suddenly forgetting what you were ordering in the first place.

“H-hi Jungkook” You smiled back, poorly attempting to put your wallet back into your backpack. 

“Need help there?” he noticed your agitated state and held your bag for you. He smelled just as heavenly as you had expected, somewhat between big dick energy and flowers. Oh, and he also remained as kind and polite as you remembered him.

Seeming as if he wasn’t planning on continuing his path to wherever he was heading to in the first place, he stood quietly by your side, waiting for you to be done with your deal. “How have you been?” you break the ice for him.

Quickly, you grab your tea and start walking back to the auditorium together, unaware of your surroundings or the suspicions that could arise. “Busy, but very good. How have you been? I saw your presentation earlier… I wish I understood half of what you said but you still sounded amazing”.

And you would never admit it out loud, but you were positive you were blushing (and falling in love too - platonically, of course). “Oh god, you think so? I basically told them they’ve been doing things wrong all along so maybe you’re the only one who’s appreciative of my work” you handed him the second can of iced tea you bought without him noticing. You swear his eyes lit up like stars in the night sky. “Payback for the other day” you smile at him.

The first time you two had crossed paths you didn’t look nearly as glamorous as you did now. In fact, you looked incredibly disturbed and in pain, carrying a huge pile of paperwork in your hands. But as soon as sweet Jungkook noticed your state, he offered you a hand and somehow ended up helping through your multiple data collecting trips that afternoon. It was a nice day.

“Anytime” he took the can in his hands with a shy look on his face. “Unless I’m practicing, you know…” you look down at his feet, with huge black boots engulfing them, and you smile due to their contrast with his personality. “Here, i’ll give you my number so you can call me whenever you need to put all those papers back. Hopefully I’ll be around” he added as he pulled his phone from his back pocket.

Way to get a girl’s number, my god.

[ah-ga-seven]

Till The End of Summer - Chapter 14 (The Finale)

>> series masterlist <<

Pairing: Choi Yeonjun x Reader

In a Nutshell: College!AU, Rich Kids, Friends to Lovers, Fuckboy athlete Yeonjun, Overprotective Best friend Soobin, contains all of TXT and other Idol cameos, Omnipresent perspective.

Synopsis: You and Yeonjun are caught up in a cat and mouse game because of unspoken feelings and endless pining for each others’ attention. With the summer break approaching and lots of college parties, will you finally get a chance to explore your feelings for each other; even though the world and Yeonjun’s reputation makes things complicated?

Word count: 12,3K

Idol Cameos: NCT Johnny, ITZY Ryujin, ATEEZ Wooyoung, Stray Kids Hyunjin, Enhyphen Sunghoon, Heesung and Jay.

Genre:  Fluff, SMUT, angst if you squint.

Warnings: explicit mature content, I put a bolded warning sign at the start and end of it so you can skip through if you want.

Month 1.

Yeonjun went back home to save the reputation of Choi Enterprises by dealing with Lita’s attempt to overthrow him and his mother.  

Apparently, she did a lot more than the things she was locked up for initially. 

Lita and her husband bribed members of the board, making promises they obviously couldn’t keep. “When we have the company, the world is yours” but those days never came. and the board members that were bribed were fired effective immediately.

Each and every one of them got disposed of, with their assets included like they were last weeks’ trash. And if that wasn’t enough, Lita’s unjustified psychosis stemmed from the fact that she used to sleep with Yeonjun’s father. Lita felt like she was entitled to the Choi’s fortunes because according to her; the only woman Daniel Choi ever loved, was her.  

The revelation had Yeonjun sick to his stomach as he sat next to his mother in court. Lita looked at him with pleading eyes, claiming to really love him as her own son before the judge announced her 15-year prison sentence for fraud, spying, embezzlement, and attempted murder.

Somehow Yeonjun felt nothing as he looked at her. He really didn’t. If anything, he was glad to close this chapter of his life for good, and look ahead of the road to recovering his soul.

You, on the other hand, were completely overwhelmed with your new surroundings. You threw yourself into your work to forget about your heartache and didn’t dare to talk to Yeonjun in case it’d open up your wounds again. It would cause for you to lose focus, and you simply couldn’t afford that distraction right now.

Month 2

The first month passed without any contact between the two of you, but that changed when you wished him a happy birthday. His heart thumped in his chest on his way to his 6th therapy session as he looked at your message. 

He was even more surprised to see that you sent him a cute card with a Polaroid picture of the two of you; all happy and smiley in the park.  

It was reassuring to him that you were still thinking of him, and that you hadn’t completely forgotten about him or moved on so easily, because lord knows he hadn’t.

When you asked him about Lita’s trial a few days after his birthday, you two started to slowly talk again from time to time. You’d check up on each other and made small talk, but it was nothing like it used to be.  

There was no depth, and the core of your conversations always had to do with how both of your studies were going, if you were taking care of yourselves or if you’ve had dinner already.  

You both figured it was for the better this way, otherwise your break up would have been for nothing if you didn’t use this time apart from each other to heal, especially since you promised to be better individually so you could be even better together.

If that was still what both of you wanted upon your return of course.

He missed you so much, and he was finding it incredibly hard not to check your socials at least once a day, especially when he realized how male-dominated your studies were at Brown.

Your Instagram feed and stories indicated that you were having the time of your life when you could. You were happy despite the crazy hours you spent in a lab with your research team. A team that quickly became your new group of friends at the University.  

There were 2 other guys and one other girl in your team. The girl’s name was Giselle, you seemed to be the closest to her out of all of them. One of the guys was named Chanhee who was quite obviously gay, therefore not a threat. But the second guy, Hwang Hyunjin… let's just say that Yeonjun wasn't a fan.

Month 3

Your almost daily texts and calls with your friends back home started to shift to communication on a weekly basis.  

It was hard to keep up with your friends back home while having to entertain a new friend group here, all while you spent hours upon hours in the lab, working on a possible treatment for neurological disorders.  

You knew that whatever you were getting yourself into with this exchange was going to be hard, but you didn’t imagine it to be this hard and frankly, you were feeling incredibly homesick by now.

You missed Soobin, the boys, Mia…Yeonjun. And one time when you came home at 10 PM after a long day that started at 8 AM; you broke down on the phone when Soobin called to check in on you.

He was so shocked at your tears that he was ready to jump on a plane, but you stopped him from doing so. Knowing that you needed to push through and confide in the friends you made, whom you’ve started to hang out with a lot more, especially with Hyunjin.  

He reminded you a lot of Soobin, the way he was gentle yet in for dumb shit matched well with your own personality, and hanging out with him felt liberating. He introduced you to his friends and spent time with you and your lab partner and roommate Giselle whenever he could, which made your time at Brown a lot more bearable than you had anticipated.

Yeonjun was slowly starting to enjoy life again. He caught up with his studies, kept going to therapy, had regular calls with his mother, and spent time with his friends whenever he could. He started to pick up his neglected hobby of dancing again, finding comfort in the art form with Wooyoung and his crew.

Month 4

Yeonjun’s mother sold Choi Enterprises. She was completely done with the company as it wasn’t hers to begin with. The stock prices had risen for the first time since Daniel’s death paired with the whole Lita ordeal, so she took the chance to get rid of her past with a simple transaction.

She consulted Yeonjun about selling the company and the house he grew up in, for which he agreed, glad that they could finally close that dark chapter of their lives while getting a fresh start with new surroundings.  

With all of this newly acquired money, she opened a new headquarters of her own luxury fashion brand, closer to Yeonjun; only an hour away to be exact.  

She was determined to be a better mother and get to know her son, and the only way to do so was by actually trying. He was happier now that the burden of having to take over Choi Enterprises one day fell off of his shoulders.  

For the first time in a long time, he held the reigns to his own future again and his mother assured him that she’d support whatever he wanted to do in life both mentally and financially.

From there on out things started to look up for them.  

They went on café dates every Sunday, and sometimes he’d visit her for an entire weekend where they would bond by cooking or shopping together. 

During one visit, Yeonjun helped her pick some pieces for Fashion week, which made her pleasantly surprised by Yeonjun’s out of the box and daring passion for fashion. She suggested he’d take a minor in fashion design next to his regular Business studies and after giving it a good thought, he did, enjoying it a little more than he thought he would.

Month 5

You were doing better too. The hard part of your research was over with, and you had a well-deserved break which you spent with Giselle, Chanhee, and Hyunjin. You decided on having a mini-vacation and go sightseeing, rent an Airbnb somewhere in the state, and just chill.

Everything was fine until the last night of your trip, where you got shitfaced drunk and ended up sleeping with Hyunjin.  

You were single, so there was no reason to feel guilty, especially since the last time you even talked to Yeonjun was over a month ago, yet you still did.  

Of course, you had to talk to Mia about it, who only told you to remember that when you’d return in a month; you’d probably never see Hyunjin again, and that was enough for you to start distancing yourself from him.

The guy obviously had feelings for you, and you felt bad for friend-zoning him after being intimate with him, but the fact of the matter was that you just didn’t feel the same way about him. None of it would matter in a few weeks anyway, because you’d be heading back home, to your friends...and to Yeonjun.

Month 6  

Brown had offered you to stay and finish your studies at their facilities but you kindly declined. The experience was great, but you couldn’t put yourself through one more year of this type of curriculum, and you desperately wanted to see your friends' faces again by going back to the place you’ve called home for the past three years.

To your new-found friends’ disappointment, you were getting ready to leave as the weeks passed, packing your things little by little and meeting up with all of the people you met one last time before parting ways for good.  

It felt bittersweet though. Not only did you learn a lot about neuroscience, but you learned a lot about yourself as well. You grew as a person, matured, and blossomed by being more independent. Not having Soobin or your other friends to fall back on really pushed you to become more self-dependent, which was one of the perks of being away from them for so long.

You respected yourself and put yourself first and promised that that’d be a piece of knowledge that you’d be taking back home too.

Now.

Yeonjun couldn’t believe half a year had passed already. But what he really couldn’t believe was that he’d be seeing you again tonight.  

He stood in your apartment with the guys and Mia, organizing your things and cleaning up the place for your surprise welcome home party. Being in there felt weird, almost foreign to be exact.

It’d been half a year since he stepped foot in here, and even though you were gone for so long, the place still smelled like you. If it wasn’t for the empty shelves, missing bedsheets, and plastic covers over your furniture; it’d almost seem like you never really left.

He opened your bedroom door to see Mia struggling to make your bed and chuckled lightly at the sight. He walked over to her, grabbing the other ends of the sheets to help her out.

Mia gave him a faint smile and stopped her movements for a second to look at Yeonjun. “Are you excited?” She asks with a big smile. Lord knows she was, her best friend was finally coming back but Yeonjun didn’t really know how to answer Mia’s question.

“More nervous than excited. We checked up on each other from time to time but it’s not like we really talked or anything.”

Mia pouted at Yeonjun’s insecure facial expression. One she hasn’t seen from him that often. Especially lately. Mia and Yeonjun have gotten a lot closer in the past six months, which was a nice change for the both of them.

“It’ll be fine. Don’t worry. You’re not the same Yeonjun you were six months ago. And that’s a good thing. She’ll appreciate the change.”

“Gee, thanks.” Yeonjun snickers as he throws a pillow at Mia’s head. It hit her straight in the face, messing up her hair which made both of them erupt in loud laughter.

“Asshole,” Mia says straightening out her hair.

“What’s going on here?” Soobin asks with a big smile on his face as he enters your room.

Soobin hasn’t been able to wipe that damn grin off of his face all day. He was so excited for you to come back and honestly the mood with the boys and with Mia has been amazing lately.  

“Yeonjun is back to his old ways,” Mia argues as she tries to throw the pillow back at him, but Yeonjun swiftly caught it, giggling to himself as he fixes it before putting it back on your bed, where it belongs.

“Well, quit messing around and hurry the fuck up, I’m picking her up in an hour.” Soobin says clapping his hands together to try and give orders, but neither Yeonjun nor Mia were phased by Soobin’s attempt to assert dominance. Both of them rolled their eyes before getting back to the task of making your bed.  

It was adorable how stressed yet giddy Soobin was to see you again. Everything had to be perfect before you arrived so he could relax and make sure you’ll be able to relax after your flight too.  

He ran around your apartment like a stressed mother; making sure the boys weren’t messing around too much so that everything planned out smoothly before the guests arrived.

Soobin waited for you patiently…at the wrong exit.

You immediately recognized his tall form when you were skimming the crowd, wondering why he wasn’t there yet, but when you saw his back facing the wrong arrival hall; you knew enough.  

It’s so Soobin of him to face the wrong way. You smile to yourself as it gave you the perfect opportunity to scare him.

You chuckle as you walk towards him while pulling your suitcase with you. He was concentrated on the people exiting the gates, hoping to see you and growing more and more restless as you didn’t show up, but little did he know, you were right behind him.

“Who are we waiting for?” You ask in a serious tone as you stood beside him with your arms crossed while following his gaze onto the crowd.

Soobin’s head snapped into your direction so fast you swore you heard a bone crack.  

His eyes widened before he smacked his bunny-like lips in confusion, looking you up and down before a huge smile crept upon his face that you could only mimic.  

“YOU’RE HERE!” Soobin shouts in shock, relief, and joy at the same time while pulling you in for a tight hug. He inhaled your scent while twirling you around, and all you could do was giggle as he smothered you in his hold.

God, you missed him, and judging from the way he wasn’t letting go of you, you could tell he missed you too.

“Ugh, I missed you so much. How was your flight? And look at you! Did you change up your hair? You look good, happy, healthy. Ugh.”  

You couldn’t even respond to anything he was saying as he wrapped you into his arms again. Normally you’d fight him for being so clingy, but this time you let him have his way for a few seconds…until it got hard to breathe.

“Soobin, I can’t breathe.” You protest softly as you tap his chest to let go which made him laugh in response, holding you at an arms-length. “Sorry y/n. I just…we’re never separating for that long ever again,” he says with a serious yet playful look on his face.

“Agreed.” you beam up at him as you link arms, walking towards the exit.

“Did you have a good flight?” he asks as he pets your hair, not believing that you were standing next to him right now.  

“Mmh, there was some turbulence so I couldn’t really rest. I can’t wait till I’m home again so I can sleep,” you mumble before you let out a yawn as you drag your feet on the tiled floor of the airport.

Soobin gulped. He didn’t know how you’d feel about the hoard of people in your apartment right now, all ready to celebrate your return when all you really wanted was to get some rest after your long travels.  

He felt guilty for a second but also knew that you’d probably forget all about your tiredness when you’ll see all of your friends again.

“Uhm, the car isn’t that far. Give me that,” he says as he takes your suitcase from your hold.

“Everyone quiet down! They’re coming up right now!” Taehyun announces while he cut the music.

Everyone frantically found a spot to hide. Some giggled as it got dark, some held on to each other cause they couldn’t see shit and some were nervous wrecks like Yeonjun.

You weren’t suspecting anything as you dragged your feet to your apartment. Soobin was acting weirder and weirder; fumbling with his keys, dropping shit, and constantly checking his phone, but you were too dense and tired to notice.

You struggle with your lock and let out a yawn. Soobin stood closely behind you, taking a deep breath as the door swung open.

Before you could even close the door behind you or find the light switch, all of the lights turned on in an instant, followed by a loud ‘SURPISE’ yelled out by at least two dozen people who were occupying your living space.

You flinch, your eyes nearly popping out of your skull and stumble backward, just so your back could hit Soobin’s tall form.

He laughed hysterically clapping his hands together like a seal, followed by everyone in the room.

“Oh my god.” Is the only thing that you were able to get out as you covered your face at the overwhelming sensation.

You didn’t even realize you had this many friends? I mean you knew all of them of course, but you didn’t comprehend the fact that they were all here to welcome you back.

The music turned back on and Mia was the first one to launch herself into your arms which had you immediately defrosting in her hold.

‘BITCH!!!” she yelped. “I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.”  

She clung onto you and twirled you around making the adrenaline and confusion in your body shift to pure happiness at seeing their faces again.

You can’t believe they did this, and suddenly you don’t feel tired anymore.

“Y/N!” Beomgyu squealed your name as he hugged you, followed by Taehyun and Hueningkai who all patiently waited until it was their turn to hug you.

You were so caught up in shock and bombarded with love, that you didn't have time to scan the room for other familiar faces. Instead, you just let them come to you one by one as you stood glued to the floor, smiling, hugging and chatting away with all of the people that seemed to have missed you so dearly.  

Yeonjun stood in the corner of your living room, watching the whole ordeal. A smile crept onto his face at how happy and healthy you looked. It’s almost as if he saw you for the first time again. Making him realize that love at first sight really was a thing…even in this form.

He took a sip of his drink, still watching you carefully until someone nudged his shoulder.

“Shouldn’t you go say hi to your girl?” The taller and older guy leaned against the wall next to Yeonjun after nudging him, making him look up at him.

“Hyung, I don’t even know what to say to her. She’s so happy right now, I don’t wanna ruin it.”

Johnny furrowed his eyebrows, cocking his head to the side. “You don’t think she’ll be happy to see you?”

“I don’t know anything right now.” Yeonjun sighed, watching you join Hueningkai and Beomgyu for a selfie with a big smile on your face. “When is the last time you two spoke?” Johnny asked, taking another sip of his drink.  

“Like two months ago.”

“Damn…”

“I know.”  

and just as the picture was taken, you spotted him across the room.  

Your eyes locked, making Yeonjun freeze in place. “Shit,” he gulps, downing his drink in one go to calm his nerves which made Johnny laugh at his antics.

“Relaaaax. Did you see her eyes light up just now? I think she missed you too,” he assures him, throwing an arm around his shoulder for comfort.

This seems odd? Doesn’t it? Yeonjun and Johnny being all friendly with each other.

During Yeonjun’s never-ending therapy sessions, the school’s counselor wanted to connect Yeonjun with someone with a similar background. You should’ve seen both of their faces when they met during a group session, but after realizing they had such corresponding backgrounds, you know; the neglected rich kid kind, they haven’t stopped talking to each other and oddly became very close friends.

It was nice for Yeonjun to have an older brother figure in his life since he’s the oldest in his own friend group, and it was even nicer for Johnny to find out that Yeonjun wasn’t such a big dick after all. Oh, and the part of having someone who gets his struggle was great too, even in the form of Choi Yeonjun.  

You couldn’t believe your eyes. You didn’t expect him to be here for some reason and the last thing you expected was seeing him with Johnny’s arm around his shoulder in a non-threatening way.

Mia chuckled as she followed your gaze. “Yeah…so, they started hanging out a few months ago.”

“How even?”  

“I don’t know maybe they started to bond over being your rejects,” Taehyun says making Mia and Beomgyu cackle with him, but you couldn’t quite see the humor in it. You had only returned to your friends for 5 whole minutes and they were already being annoying.  

Soobin noticed your slight annoyance and chuckled, rubbing your back in comfort as he was the only one to notice how nervous you really were to talk to him again after all this time. “Go talk to him, he’s just as nervous. Trust me.” Soobin says into your ear so only you could hear, and you give him a small nod in response. Smiling at the encouragement you so desperately needed.

You’re a bad bitch. You got this.  

You look at him once more as he talked to Johnny.

For some reason, his whole aura changed from the last time you saw him. His features matured a bit, he lost weight and he completely embraced having a mullet. Ok…hot.  

He was breathtaking. Even after all this time of being apart, he made you feel the exact same way and all it took to remind you of that feeling was one look from him.  

He decided to man up and make his way through the crowd to greet you, but you beat him to it as your legs automatically walked over to where he was standing.

Johnny sensed the sudden electricity in the air as you approached and decided to go in for the hug first to give Yeonjun some time to collect himself. “Y/n!” Johnny coed as he enveloped you into a big bear hug. “It’s so good to see you again. How are you? How was your exchange?”  

You’re snapped out of your trance, but you still feel Yeonjun’s eyes on you as you’re trapped in Johnny’s embrace. You collect yourself as you let go of him, trying to avoid Yeonjun’s gaze for now but it was almost impossible because of how close he was.  

“I’m good, it was good. A lot of sleepless nights but it was totally worth it.” You give him the quickest answer possible; you weren’t quite sure where to start the conversation with Yeonjun but the longer the two of you ignored each other, the weirder the tension between you two was getting.

He took a deep breath, giving you a warm smile before averting his attention to Johnny. He not so subtly told him to leave with his eyes, which made Johnny suavely exit the conversation by announcing that he needed a refill.

“Hey…” you start.

Yeonjun’s eyes glistened as he looked at you with adoration. “Hey.”

You looked good. Your skin had a healthy glow, and your new haircut was working wonders for your features. He was entranced by your beauty for a second before realizing his stare might be creeping you out, though you didn’t even notice, cause you were staring at him too.  

You were completely caught up in your own perception of time. Everything seemed to slow down now that you were looking into others eyes again after all this time and just as you were about to open your mouth to speak, some kid you didn’t know accidentally bumped into you roughly.  

The sudden impact made you lose balance as you jolted forward, straight into Yeonjun’s arms. Luckily, he swiftly caught and stabilized you.

He looked at you in shock, making sure you were okay as he grabbed your shoulders before turning his attention to the random kid who somehow got an invite to be at your welcome home party, in your house, without you even knowing who he is.

He quickly apologized, but you feared for what was about to happen. The Yeonjun you left 6 months ago was a dick and a hothead, he’d make the kid regret running into you like that but to your surprise Yeonjun straightened out the freshman’s clothes and gave him a small side smile.  

“Be careful kid, we just got her back,” he says in neutral yet friendly tone.

That’s it? No threatening glare? No sarcasm?

He seemed to notice your dumbfounded facial expression and chuckled. “Anger management classes,” he explains with playfulness evident in his voice.

“You’re kidding?” you scoff in amusement.

“Nope. I’ve turned into a complete softie, just for you.”  

You teasingly shove his shoulder and laugh loudly. The sound made Yeonjun’s heart flutter as he watched your face contort into pure joy and cuteness. He felt the sudden urge to squish your cheeks together and litter your face with kisses but he withheld himself from doing so, and reciprocated your giggles with the sound of his own laugh as he raked his hand through his long locks.

This small moment of flirty teasing made the both of you realize just how much you had missed each other as you were quick to jump back in your old ways.

You both should’ve known that worrying about any awkwardness between you two was stupid. After all, you were friends before you even started dating; and luckily that dynamic returned quickly because he was just as big of a casual flirter as you were.

Suddenly it felt like you were starting all over again with him, it felt like the first time you tried to connect with him on that damn picnic that started the timeline of your relationship.

Somehow the universe granted you the opportunity to hit the reset button and do things right this time, and you couldn’t be happier now that you realize how stupid it was to worry about the inseverable connection you two seemed to have to each other.

Even after all these months and all those miles of distance, Yeonjun still felt like home.  

He gave you a shy smile, realizing you were staring at him with hearts in your eyes while you expectantly gazed into his dark orbs.

His eyes weren’t hollow anymore, for the first time in ages his happiness felt genuine and you couldn’t wait for him to tell you all about it.

“How about we…ditch your party for a bit and go take a walk,” Yeonjun suggests, giving you a hopeful yet mischievous look as he held out his hand for you.

You boldly lace your fingers through his and lead him out of your apartment without a second thought, ignoring stares from literally everyone.

Oh my god, history really was repeating itself. Your mind flashes back to the walk you took with him that night at Johnny’s party; you lead him out of Johnny’s kitchen the exact same way right after the fight you had with an overprotective Soobin about trying to date Yeonjun.

You got Yeonjun a little flustered, which is a first, but he was happy with your directness. He couldn’t wait to be alone with you in a more private setting and if that meant leaving your own party, then so be it.  

Fresh air hits your lungs as the chilly spring night welcomes you outside. Your apartment was way too crowded and way too hot which made you sigh contently as the cold wind created goosebumps on your skin.

Yeonjun looked at you and stopped in his tracks while diverting his gaze at your still intertwined fingers.

You look back at him, confused as to why he stopped walking, but before you could ask questions; he pulled you towards him, trapping you into his strong arms. One of his hands made its way to the nape of your neck to slowly pat your hair as he leaned his chin on the top of your head.

You just let it happen, wrapping your arms around his torso while burying your face in the crook of his neck. The familiar scent of soap mixed with his expensive Chanel Bleu cologne hit your nostrils and the butterflies in your tummy start to flutter again after being on rest for six months.

Whole. That’s how you feel in the moment.

“You have no idea how much I missed you.” You mumble into the hug, not wanting to look up at him out of fear that he might not have felt the same, but by the way he was holding you right now, you should know better. The insecurity of not being good enough still had its ways of fucking with your mind, even though you had no reason to be.

Yeonjun opened his eyes at your confession, not being able to hide how happy he was to hear that his feelings were mutual. He hid his grin by burying his face into your hair again as he giggled before pulling back slightly to see your face. You were trying incredibly hard to hide the heat that had risen to your cheeks but it was to no avail as Yeonjun mumbled something about how cute you were right now.

He was so worried you didn’t feel the same. He was convinced you forgot all about him at Brown. Your Instagram stories were filled with the countless parties you went to, the new people you met accompanied with the fact that your posts were littered with suggestive comments from guys he could only assume you met over there.

Yeonjun’s biggest fear relating to your return was that you utilized those six months away from him to move on, but as selfish as it sounds; he was so incredibly glad that you hadn’t.  

“Look at me.” He tried to cup your face but you didn’t let him, giggling into his chest as you protested.

The two of you must look absolutely pathetic to bystanders right now. You were completely stuck in your own world, acting like high school kids who were brand new to love, but somehow that’s exactly what you were.  

He chuckled lowly, as you tightened the hold you had on his waist. “Ah, whyyy…Look at me, come on.”

You do as you’re told, and when you look up you are greeted by the most beautiful smile you’ve seen in your life, making your breath hitch in your throat at how boyish yet manly he looked just now.

“Ok, I’m looking. Now what?” You challenge as you take a hold of his wrists as he cupped your face.

He didn’t know if he’d move too fast if he kissed your lips right now, so he decided against it while giving you a sweet kiss on your forehead instead.

“I just wanted to see your pretty face up close again. Instagram doesn’t do you justice, angel.”

“Oh, shut up.” You giggle, rolling your eyes as you push yourself out of his hold. You hate to admit it, but the little pet name made your heart skip a beat. You pretend to run from him, but he snatched you back in no time by tugging at your elbow with laughs and giggles. You give in and link arms with him as you resumed your walk through your neighborhood and look up at him to check if he was really here with you right now.

This whole thing just felt too good to be true. Here you thought he’d moved on from your relationship, but the confirmation that he hadn’t was nice, to say the least.

He looked down as he felt your eyes on him and smiles at you before looking at the path ahead of him.

“What?” he asks with an amused tone, but you just shake your head in response.

“You seem different.”  

“How different?”

“Like you aren’t carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore type of different.”

He nodded understandingly and stopped in his tracks to look into your eyes again. His hands traveled down to yours, lacing your fingers together once more before he sighed, tucking a stray piece of your hair behind your ear for you.

You gave him an expecting look, squeezing the hand that was still intertwined with yours to assure him of the fact that you’re listening, which earned you a small smile.

“It’s cause I’m not. While you were changing the lives of others with your research, I was changing my own. At first, I thought the whole therapy thing was a hoax. I didn’t understand why talking to some stranger would fix me, but it helped me come to terms with a lot. I learned about acceptance and moving forward. And I learned that in order to be able to love someone in a healthy manner, I’d have to love myself first. You know…on a deeper level than just my handsome face” he jokes trying to lift some weight off of his words.

You roll your eyes, but secretly love his arrogance, making a low chuckle escape from your lips before you return to seriousness again.

“I’m so proud of you.” you say, and you mean it. You’re amazed at how clear his mind seemed to be. It’d usually take Yeonjun a good minute to collect his thoughts before he could talk about how he felt with you, but right now it came out so naturally, it was almost odd.

He gave you a weak side smile, making eye contact once again. “I’m nowhere near the finish line though. I can’t promise you that I’ll never fuck up again because I’m learning as I go, but what I can promise you, is that my heart and my feelings for you are unchanged. I haven’t stopped thinking of you, not once. The thought of being with you again was my driving force and I need you to know that.”

He caressed your cheek while you let his words sink in and suddenly you feel tears prickle your eyes.  

You were at a loss for words, completely lovestruck by his incredibly sweet and wise confession.

You hold onto his wrist for leverage, your breathing turned shaky and uneven as a tear escaped your eyes.

Here you thought he had completely moved on from your relationship. But god, you were so wrong, and you couldn’t be any happier.

“I promised myself to never make you cry again,” he joked lightheartedly as he wiped another tear away from your cheek, making you sniff in response, wiping them away with your sleeve quickly.  “They’re happy tears.”  

He looked into your eyes again, searching for answers and maybe even permission. He wanted to take things slow; give you time to reflect and time to adjust to being back home, but he simply couldn’t help himself.

When you leaned into his touch, he knew you basically gave him an okay to proceed.

He inched his face dangerously close to yours, lightly brushing his plump lips against yours. His hesitation made you smile, so you pull him down to your level by the back of his neck as you initiated the kiss.

He froze for a second at your dominance but quickly relaxed in your touch soon after he realized that you seemed to want this just as much as he did.

Kissing him was like muscle memory. It felt natural and blissful and suddenly you find yourself wondering about how you were able to live without this feeling of pure euphoria for over six months.

His love was like a drug, and all it took was one kiss to break your sobriety.

He pulled back, quickly assessing his surroundings before he realized the two of you were basically making out in the middle of the street.

He pulled you into an alleyway and pushed you against the wall of a random apartment building, his hands holding on to each side of your face delicately yet roughly as he kissed you with so much fervor, it almost made you dizzy.  

“You really had me thinking I lost you forever,” he mumbles as his lips disconnected from yours.

You weren’t given the change to respond as his lips found their way to the soft spot in your neck. He still remembered every sensitive inch of your skin and used it against you all too willingly; wrapping his hands around your throat as he kissed and licked a pattern from your jaw to your neck.  

A breathy moan left your lips as he started to suck possessive marks onto your neck and you instinctively wrap your arms around his waist, letting him do as he pleases, too entranced by the delicious feeling. You jumped up and he caught you by hooking his arms under your thighs, stabilizing you against the wall as you kept making out.

You giggled at his eagerness, a little flustered at the fact that you were in public; even though it was nighttime while being in a neglected alley; it still felt wrong.

He smirked against your neck when he felt you hesitate, and placed a soft yet wet kiss on your lips before letting go of you. He made sure you landed back on the ground safely, straightening out your clothes for you. “Maybe we should head back,” he says with a dark gaze, acting as if he didn’t just litter your neck with marks and bruises. He licked his pouty lips in amusement at the sight of what he had just done to you, knowing all too well that people would be able to see what happened while the two of you were gone.

You playfully shoved him aside, completely oblivious to how bad it really was but when you stepped into the elevator and saw your own reflection you gasped and shot Yeonjun a look of pure panic and distress. “YEONJUN!” you gasp loudly. “You can’t be fucking serious.”

“I’m sorry I just…couldn’t help myself.” he licked his lips again, cockiness emitting from his entire being. He inched closer to you to give you an innocent kiss on the top of your head and pulled the hair tie out of your hair, making your hair fall past your shoulders to cover the hickeys.

“This’ll do.”

“Oh my god, I hate you.”

He scoffed, casually smacking your ass in response.  

On the remaining way back to your apartment you were constantly fixing your clothes and hair, trying to let it nonchalantly fall to the front but you knew it looked rather ridiculous.

You had hoped your friends were too intoxicated to notice but when you stepped foot in your apartment with Yeonjun closely trailing behind you, all eyes were on you again.

How long were you two gone for? 10, maybe 20 minutes?

“Hyung.” Taehyun grabbed Yeonjun by his collar, turning him around which made Yeonjun frown at the younger one.

“For fucks sake.” Taehyun sighs dramatically, wiping something pink from the corner of Yeonjun’s mouth with his index finger.  

…it was your fucking lipgloss.

Yeonjun’s ears turned a bright red as he started to chuckle nervously. “Now I lost the fucking bet with Hueningkai. I thought it’d take at least a week before you two would start simping over each other again, it hasn’t even been an hour….AND OUTSIDE?” Taehyun sucks his teeth as a sign of disapproval, looking you up and down before his eyes lingered on your neck. “Animals. That’s it. That’s the description.”

“Pay up, loser. I told you.” Hueningkai cackles as he throws his arms around both Taehyun and Yeonjun’s shoulders.

“Y’all made a bet? An actual bet on our relationship?” you ask in pure disbelief. It was so like them to turn your emotional turmoil into their own amusement, but you couldn’t really be mad at them.

Your friends know the two of you better than anyone and probably saw this coming way before you did.

“Venmo me later.” Taehyun mumbles to Hueningkai in defeat while walking off, and you can’t help but chuckle at the irony of it all.  

All of these months left in pure insecurity about your relationship with Yeonjun. Nights of pondering about your future, worrying if he had moved on or not. It was all for nothing

Yeonjun and you move like magnets, and no course of time could really drive you apart because when you’re reunited, you will always find your way back to each other. Always.

He looked at you a little dreamily, it still wasn’t sinking in that you were back. For good. And all his.

He snaked his arm around your waist as he stood behind you, resting his head on your shoulder as you told your friends all about your adventures.

He was clingy, you were clingy and neither of you was hiding it for anyone. You’ve had your fair share of secrets with Yeonjun and you were more than glad that those times were over with.

At around 4 AM most people left, and you were left alone with the boys, Ryujin and Mia.

You were on the couch, perfectly comfortable on Yeonjun’s lap as you leaned into his chest. One hand was rubbing your back in up and down motions while the other had found its way under your shirt and onto your waist. His cold fingertips grazed over your bare skin and suddenly it was way too hard to stay awake.

The chatter of your friends became background noise as your eyelids grew heavy. But you were shortly awakened out of your slumber as you felt Yeonjuns lips on your temple.  

“You must be so tired after that flight and this whole circus,” he whispered with an empathetic pout, yet all you could do was nod as a response.

He chuckled at your cuteness and fixed a piece of your hair, kissing your forehead again before you buried your face in the crook of his neck.

“It’s funny how nothing has changed, yet everything is different,” Beomgyu says as he stares at you and Yeonjun with a loving smile.

Beomgyu might be a little shit with a smart mouth, but he cares for his friends. Seeing the two of you be so content in each other's presence made love emit from his pupils. Even though Yeonjun had been doing so much better the best couple of months, nothing compares to the pure happiness and giddiness that Gyu was seeing from him now, and that was all because you were together again.

Beomgyu wasn’t the only one to notice, because it was literally all of them, and especially Soobin.

Soobin who literally rebelled against any type of relationship between you and Yeonjun was smiling at the sight of you in his arms fondly. His two best friends finally found solace in each other after all the shit that both of you had been through together, and it made him sentimental.

A year had passed since the two of you started dating unofficially, though this was the first time in that whole year that Soobin was completely okay with it.

You were long gone and off into dreamland by now as Yeonjun looked at you with a small smile on his lips, but when he looked up to check why everyone had stopped talking, he was met with six pairs of twinkling eyes on him.

His pupils darted back and forth between them in genuine confusion. “Why? What’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Soobin sighed contently. “For once, nothing is wrong.” he says as he leans forward to hug Mia from behind who was sitting between his legs on the floor.

Taehyun chuckled at Soobin’s dramatic statement and Hueningkai hummed in agreement.  

“Not to get all simpy or anything, but with her being back it feels like our little dysfunctional family is whole again.” Beomgyu mumbles as he let his head drop onto Ryujin’s shoulder.

“Let’s try to be less dysfunctional,” Hueningkai says with determination.  

“We can be less dysfunctional if you can clean up after yourselves and fold your own damn laundry so I don’t have to start a fight with you every 5 seconds,” Taehyun argues as he throws a pillow at Hueningkai's face. Making him laugh as he got in in the face with full force.

“Why can’t we just…have one peaceful moment…just one.” Soobin says rubbing his forehead in agony.

Yeonjun chuckled at the banter of his little brothers and looked back at you. “I don’t know guys, maybe that’s our charm,” he says leaving all of them in pure confusion as they looked at him for clarification.

“What do you mean by that.” Mia questions as she raises a brow at him.

“We’ll literally walk through fire to be there for each other, right? We go through things individually but will never fail to be there for each other in times of need, and I think we need to embrace our worst mistakes and arguments so we can grow from them. After all we’ve been through, I know we’ll be together forever. So, I say cheers to being dysfunctional,” He says with a proud smile, picking up his drink from the side table to raise it up in the air for a collective moment of cheers.

Dumbfounded by Yeonjun’s odd display of maturity and wise words, they all comply, raising their glasses in the air followed by a loud cheer to being “dysfunctional.”

The sudden loudness of their voices woke you up, completely out of it and sleep drunk; you lift your head from Yeonjun’s chest, squinting your eyes at your friends as you rub the sleep out of your eyes.

“Did I miss anything?” you say, your voice laced with sleep and confusion.

They all burst out into laughter at your current state paired with your obliviousness and messy bed hair.

“Nah, just six months of incompleteness,”  Yeonjun says as he pecks your lips.

Mia stayed over that night and helped you unpack and clean your whole apartment the next day, which you were super grateful for but...you’d be lying if you said you didn’t wish Yeonjun would’ve stayed the night.

The fact of the matter is that you haven’t had time for a serious talk with him yet, because you know, tongue punching each other was of higher priority than hashing things out with actual words. Which meant you hadn’t really talked about your relationship status or how things will be moving forward.

“The last game of the season is tonight. Are you going?” Mia asked as she plops down on your couch with you.

“The last one? Already?”

“Yeah we’re gonna go celebrate after.”

“Even if they lose?”

“Girl, you know they don’t lose.”  

You roll your eyes and laugh at Mia’s overconfidence in her boyfriends’ team. You were about to give her a definite answer before your phone started buzzing.

[Yeonjun, 12.44 PM]: Hi baby.

[Yeonjun, 12.45 PM]: Is it ok if I come over? I’ll bring us coffees from that café you love so much. 😌

[Y/N, 12.45 PM]: Yesss please 🥺

You giddily smile at your phone, wanting to squeal with excitement but you hold it in and Mia seems to notice. “Oh god, is it him?”

“Yeah, so.” you glare at her with playful intent “Let me be happy. He’s changed so drastically; I almost couldn’t believe that last night’s Yeonjun was the Yeonjun I left six months ago.”

“Yeah, he’s been working super hard to change and the whole thing with his mom helped too.”

“His mom? What do you mean?” You ask in genuine confusion, Mia bit her lip as she furiously shook her head. “Listen, I’m never, ever going to meddle in your relationship ever again. When he gets here, I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it.”

You chuckle, nodding in agreement until your attention is averted to your phone again as it buzzes in your lap once more.

[Hyunjin, 12.46 PM]: Hey sweetheart, did you have a good flight?  

Oh….

Your eyes shoot to Mia’s in panic and she frowns, taking your phone out of your hold to read the message.

“Oh my god…is this your little slip-up?” she asks with disgust evident on her features.

“What do you mean slip up? I am a single woman,” you argue, but Mia wasn’t having it.

“AM?”

“WAS? GIRL, I DON’T KNOW. It was a fling, nothing more.”

“Flings don’t call you sweetheart and ask you how your flight was.” Mia says squinting her eyes at you.

“Mia…”

She sighed, visibly irritated with how naïve you were being, but you couldn’t have known that you’d fall back into Yeonjun’s arms that fast, and it’s not like you ever dated Hyunjin. He was just a friend…who you’ve slept with once.  

“Listen, girl. I love you...but after everything Yeonjun has put himself through to be a better man for you, you better ghost this motherfucker right now or else.”

“Jeez, I will. It’s not like I like the guy. And since when are you team Yeonjun?”

She relaxed at your statement, slouching back into the couch. “A lot has changed y/n. He was a good friend to me when you weren’t here, that’s all.”

You nod understandingly, realizing that Yeonjun and yourself have a lot to talk about; maybe even more than you had hoped for now that Hyunjin reminded you of his existence with a mere text message.

Mia left soon after, wanting to give Yeonjun and yourself some privacy for when he got here, which wasn’t long after she left.

You opened the door for him, and he smiled at you. He was wearing a black beanie, an oversized black t-shirt, and those damned gray sweatpants of his that you love so much. Your heart did a thing at the sight and he quickly kissed your cheek before he rushed his way into your living room, trying to find a place to set down the coffee cups that were burning his fingertips at the touch.

“Careful.” You mumble as you watch him struggle. When he put the coffees down on your salon table, he quickly made his way to you again to properly kiss you this time.

He cupped your face, pulling you into him as he started to steal chaste kisses from your lips. You giggled into the kisses as you tried to untangle yourself from him, slapping his chest playfully to shoo him away.

He let go with a smile, taking your hand to lead you to your couch. You could tell by his whole body language and the way he skipped through your apartment that he was happier than ever.

You hoped you wouldn’t ruin that happiness by telling him about Hyunjin, but it shouldn’t matter because he didn’t matter. You only wanted to tell him just so you weren’t keeping any secrets anymore; cause god knows how that went the last time.  

“How’d you sleep?” he asks you as he hands you your coffee. You happily take it from him and keep your eyes on him as you take a sip. “Fine, it was weird being in my own bed again, I missed it though.”

“Yeah? Anything else you missed?” his gaze was piercing into you as he took a sip of his Americano, fully aware that he was fishing for an ego boost.

“Theres this guy I kinda missed, I guess his name is Yeonjun.” You shrug as you take another sip; your flirty playfulness is one of the things that he loved about you, it kept things spicy.

“Oh him? He wanted me to tell you that he kinda missed you too,” he says with an amused glimmer in his eyes.

You chuckle. “Good.”

Suddenly the two of you fell quiet, but it wasn’t an awkward quietness; it was more of a realization that your endless flirting had to turn into somewhat of a serious conversation.

“Yeonjun…”

“Hmm?” his eyes softened at the way you called his name, he set his coffee aside turning to you completely to show you that he was listening attentively.

You sigh, not knowing what else to say other than the following. “I love you and I want to be with you.”

His eyes grow in size, a little shook by your directness but he composed himself as he fixed his posture quickly. “Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming?”

“I mean it, but I need to be honest with you too,”

“About what?”

“While I was at Brown, I kind of…flirted off and on with one of my lab partners and well…I slept with him…once. I swear it was only once and I-” he cut you off by raising his hand so you’d stop your nervous rambling and sighed. He knew exactly who you were talking about, because he had seen that motherfucker all over Instagram and had honestly seen this confession coming from miles away. 

He was glad you told him though, cause he'd feel worse if you tried to hide it from him.

Though you didn’t post about him, Hyunjin did post about you, and basically tagged you in all of his Insta stories or group pictures. Yeonjun shamelessly cyberstalked the guy. It wasn’t one of his proudest moments, but he had to just to stay sane.  

“Baby, we were broken up. You don’t have to justify what you did or didn’t do at that time. It’s not like I expected you to turn into a nun.”  

You raise your brows in surprise at his mature response. “You’re not mad?”

“No. As long as it’s over with.”

“It is, I promise.”  

“Good,” he sucked his teeth as he watched you. “Also, it’s not like anyone can fuck you as well as I can,” he states with a devious smirk as he pulled you close, making you gulp in response to his choice of words.

He chuckles at how easily intimidated you were by him and takes the opportunity to tease you.  

“Did he?”  

“N-no.” you stutter, innocently staring up at him. “He didn’t”

“Good girl.” He says, biting his lip while letting his thumb ghost over your lower lip.

His choice of words made your stomach turn but you knew better than to let lust get the best of you once again.

“Yeonjun…” you breathe his name like a warning, trying to avert the tension. “We…we need to talk.”

“We can talk.” He shrugs, pulling your legs towards him aggressively so you’d slide down. Your back was now on the couch as he parted your legs, settling himself in between them before hovering over you to kiss over the bruises he left last night. “After I give you a little reminder.” He smiles against your skin, pulling your shirt over your bra so he could kiss a trail down to your belly button.

“God I missed you,” he says digging his nails into your waist. "So fucking much."

(Warning: heavy smut ahead!)

Your mind goes into overdrive as he unties the tie to your sweatpants, and as he does so you stare at the outline that had formed in his own.

He didn’t waste any time, pulling down the waistband of your joggers with one swift motion while you helped him by lifting your hips off the couch.

He discarded of your clothes faster than your mind could comprehend but then you noticed that he was fully clothed, when the only thing you were wearing by now were your panties.

You pouted, pulling at his waistband but he grabbed your wrist, pinning your hands above your head so he could look at you, beautiful, bare, and all his.  

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” His lips found their way to the sensitive nub of your breast as he eagerly licked and sucked on it while his fingers found their way onto your still clothed heat.

He rubbed his middle and index finger over your clit, making you moan at the sudden stimulation.

He pulled away, making his way down to your core as he littered your inner thigh with more and more hickeys.

You were eagerly moving your hips by now, trying to get him to kiss you where you wanted him most, but he was taking his sweet time and you were losing your patience.

“Y-Yeonjun…” you moan his name. He finally rewards you by pulling your panties aside. Licking his lips at your glistening arousal, ready to feast on you as if it was the last meal he’d ever have.

“Fuck.” He says with admiration to no one in particular, placing a soft kiss on your pussy before he started to slowly kitten-lick your sensitive nub. He lowly hummed in approval at the taste of you and fastened his pace slowly.

You gasped, arching your back to give him better access as he started to eat you out like you’ve never experienced in your life.

His skill was baffling, he had your brain melting and legs shaking while he struggled to keep you still.

“Ah…” you arch your back once more, trying to get away from the overstimulation but he held you down with his strong arms.

“Who are you running from baby, stay still.” He ordered with a low voice before getting back to business, and with ten more seconds, he had you cumming in his mouth as the vibration of his low hums drove you over the edge. You cover your own mouth to muffle your loud cries, but he pulled your hands away from your face, wanting to hear you fall apart for him.

“That’s it baby.” he mused in approval, finishing you off with one last lick before he came back up to assess your fucked out state. “So fucking good for me.”  

Your chest was heaving up and down rapidly as you were trying to catch your breath. Once again you lost to the charms of Choi Yeonjun, but he was nowhere near done with you.

He quickly got rid of his own clothes and pumped himself a few times while looking straight into your eyes.

This man is a god, and he knew it.

His mischief returned when he realized you were watching him. “I think I got you wet enough, right baby?”

You almost forgot about his grit, your mouth salivating at the sight. Any slick you could build with him was a gift, because the last thing you wanted was for him to start a fire down there, cause that’s just how big he was.

You sit up which surprised him, but when you spit in your hand and pumped him a few times to slick him up some more he chuckled lowly as he realized what you were doing. He moaned in the form of a sharp exhale as your pace fastened, but he didn’t let you take control just yet.

“Scared?” he teased, keeping his eyes on you as you twisted your wrist a little more.

“No.” you huff.

“Then turn around.”  

You comply without a thought. You were both sitting up on your knees while your back leaned against his chest. You threw your head back and he kissed your forehead sweetly. guiding himself into you while his other hand held onto your waist to stabilize you against him.

You curse at the stretch, digging your nails into his thighs for leverage as he fills you up.

You both moan as your walls clenched around him. His arms snaked around you from behind as he took a hold of your neck, pinching down on the veins on each side of your throat as he slammed his hips into you continuously with long and deep strokes.

The choking sensation made everything so much more intense, especially when the fingers of his other hand started to rub circles on your still abused clit.

Your eyes rolled back as your vision got blurry, tears prickling your eyes at how good you were being wrecked right now.

He let go of your neck, putting his hand on the small of your back to push you down on the couch so your ass was up, and your face was down.

He started to pound into you mercilessly, his rhythm and pace perfectly alternating as he grabbed a fistful of your hair. “You’re mine,” he grunted as he felt himself getting closer and closer by the physical stimulation of your tightness and the mental stimulation of your moans and mewls.

It didn’t take long before you both reached your highs as he was prone boning you into heaven.

Your orgasm washes over you, and right after you came, he reached his own high.  

He pulled out right before he busted, releasing himself onto your back with a loud growl.  

Your eyes flutter closed; way too fucked out to function as you catch your breath. You feel his weight move off of you to grab one of the napkins on your side table that came with the coffees, and wiped his cum off of you with a cocky smile on his face.

You built up the energy to look back at him, and when your eyes meet all you can do is giggle with him at how ridiculous you two are.

“So…I guess now we can talk,” he says with a smirk.

- end of smut -

Once you fully recovered from having your back blown out…quite literally. You came out of your bedroom after a quick change of clothes.

You walk into your living room while you pull a clean shirt over your head.

 Yeonjun was still on your couch, watching you with a big boyish smile on his face as his gaze followed you.

“All good?” he asks, opening his arms for you. You nod in response, excitedly making your way into his arms. He moved you on top of him so you were on his lap and kissed your cheek sweetly.

“Where do we even start.” You think out loud as you start playing with Yeonjun’s hair. He threw his head back in solace, letting you massage his scalp softly.

You chuckle at his reaction, stopping your actions which made him lift his head up immediately, giving you a kittenish angry face. “Why’d you stop.”

“Because it’s been an hour since you got here and all we do is dance around the subject,” you say as you move off of him. You turn sideways, leaning against the armrest of your couch while you drape your legs over his lap and sigh.

After deciding that Yeonjun would go first, he told you everything. From the progress he has made with his therapist to the baffling information of his mother selling Choi Enterprises and moving closer to the Uni for him. He told you about their relationship and his interest in the fashion industry. He’s been spending time with his friends in the dance studio again after years of neglecting his hobby and his grades are improving drastically compared to last year too.

He’s been doing well both mentally and socially. Even though he still has his bad days, he’s a lot happier than he was before. You listened attentively asking questions and making sure you understood every detail to your best ability.

When it was your turn to start talking, you realize just how sadistic your exchange was now that you’re explaining the details out loud. You told him about the crazy schedules, spending days from 8 am to 10 pm in the lab, neglecting your health just to forget about your heartache. You were being brutally honest, and you saw Yeonjun’s jaw clench at the revelation.  

If he knew you were having such a hard time, he would’ve contacted you more, but you explained to him how the experience made you stronger, harder and less of a cry baby.  

You spoke about your new gained independence and soon realized that, where Yeonjun needed emotional cradling, you needed to be hit with the real world without the safety net that your friends and parents always provided for you.

The two of you had been talking for over two hours, and finally came to the inevitable question.

“So…what does that make us.” You sigh as you played with his fingers.  

“Really, the ‘what are we’ question?” he chuckled, watching you play with the ring on his index finger.

“Well. Do you have an answer?” you mumble, letting go of his hand.

“I’m yours,” he says, putting his hand on your thigh while his other hand tugged on your chin to make you look up at him.

Your eyes grew in size, swallowing harshly when his fingers moved from your chin to caress your cheek. “And I don’t want to take things slow anymore, I love you too much to relive the dating phase."

“Me too,” you agree with determination. He smirked contently, leaning into you to feverishly kiss you on the lips.

“You know what that was?” He asks as he pulls away with his face still in close proximity.

“What?” you question with a giggle.

“Our first kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend.”  

You slap his chest, bursting into laughter at his cheesiness. The sound of your laughs and giggles filled the room as he started to kiss you all over your face and neck, leaving you breathless and ticklish at his touch

“I love you, Choi Yeonjun, but I think you have an important basketball game to get to.”

Of course they won.  

Yeonjun made the winning point which meant he had something to brag about all night.

You were at a local diner with all of the boys, their teammates, and respective girlfriends or boyfriends. Drinking, talking, and overall having a good time.

When Mia, Ryujin, Soobin, Taehyun, Beomgyu and Hueningkai heard the news about your new relationship status, they basically congratulated you as if you announced that you were getting married.  

The whole thing was just way too funny, and Yeonjun dragged you around all night to introduce you to everyone.  

The freshman on the team were so confused when Yeonjun introduced you as his girlfriend because they had never heard of or seen you before.  

“Hyung, Imma be honest with you, I kinda thought you were gay.” Sunghoon admits as he apologetically scratched the back of his head.

“…S-same” Heesung states, looking at you both with apologetic eyes as well.

Yeonjun looked at them a little funny as he burst into laughter, pulling you closer to him. “Why?”  

“Because well, we haven’t seen you with a girl all year, and with the way you look, I don’t know. 1+1 was gay I guess.” Jay, another freshman explained their point of view a little further, which had you cackling at the situation.

“Oh my god, so you little shits were the ones spreading rumors about me and Wooyoung!?”  

“N-no! NO!” The kids protested, but Yeonjun was already playfully grabbing them by their collars to scold them.

You laughed at the whole ordeal, love emitting from your eyes as you watched Yeonjun be in his popular guy element again.

You zoned out for a bit, absentmindedly listening to how Beomgyu and Hueningkai were telling a story about that one time they took Yeonjun’s car for a joyride in the middle of the night without his permission.  

Yeonjun noticed your mental absence, wrapping an arm around your shoulder to pull you into his chest, softly kissing your temple.

“What’s wrong?”  

You shake your head, sentiment getting the better of you. This is the most complete you’ve felt in a while.

You kissed him with fervor, your hands lacing through his dark locks before you pulled away to place a small kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“I’m just really happy right now,” you say as you smile at each other lovingly.

1 year later.

Graduation was around the corner.

It was insane how fast time flew. You celebrated your first-year anniversary with Yeonjun the night before and were now laying in his bed the next morning, slowly waking up just to feel the soreness of what he did to you last night.

You groaned in agony at the bright light, even after all this time; you still weren’t a morning person.

You noticed how Yeonjun was missing from the bed, so you got up to look for him. Putting on his large shirt to cover yourself as you made your way to the boys’ living room.

Soobin was on the couch with Taehyun and Hueningkai looking you up and down with disapproval.

“Jesus. Did you get hit by a truck in there?” Taehyun asks as he clicked his tongue.

“Shut up smart-ass. Where’s Yeonjun?”  

Taehyun chuckled, being completely used to your grumpiness in the morning by now. If Yeonjun wasn’t staying at your place, you were staying at theirs; so they were more accustomed to having you around like this.  

“He said he had to run a quick errand; he’ll be back soon,” Soobin replies with light amusement in his eyes at how roughed up you looked.

“Hey, next time…be a little more quiet.” Beomgyu tells you as he walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.  

“My room is next to Yeonjun’s you know.”

“Oh shut up hyung, I hear you and Ryujin almost every night,” Hueningkai says rolling his eyes, which made you crack your first smile of the day.

“Oh nooo, not my pure baby Hueningie” Soobin pouted as he trapped Kai in between his legs for a hug.

“Hyung, you’re gonna have to let go soon. Literally. When you guys graduate you don’t get to live here and baby me anymore.” Hueningkai protests as he tries to push Soobin off of him.

Soobin pouted, making you immediately feel bad for him. 

When Yeonjun and Soobin would move out, Jay and Heesung would move in, which meant that Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Hueningkai had to hold down the fort as seniors for one more year until they graduated, and the thought alone made Soobin feel uneasy.

Soobin and Mia were officially moving in together after graduation. They had planned their whole futures together and both had job offers in the city from their internships.

“I’ll still come over…every…weekend. You know, just to make sure.”

You drift off into thought, realizing how Yeonjun and yourself have been living your lives in the moment without concrete plans for the future together.

Since your apartment was off-campus you still got to live there after graduation. You had gotten an amazing job offer because of your research at Brown, which had major corporations battle it out with outrageous contracts, salaries, and promises to your favor so your options were most definitely open.

Your future looked bright, as did Yeonjun’s who’d be working as a Creative Director for his mothers’ luxury brand...but how did you two miss the mark on planning a future together?

Were you that caught up in your own world to realize that adult decisions had to be made soon?

Yeonjun walked in, interrupting your thoughts. “Oh, hey guys.”

He set his keys on the kitchen counter, giving you a funny look. “I texted you to get ready.”

“Oh..shit, I didn’t check my phone, Sorry. Give me 20 minutes.”

You didn’t question why he wanted you to get ready, he’d probably take you out for breakfast or some shit, so you weren’t suspecting anything, but Yeonjun could sense that something was off about you.

During the car ride to your unknown destination, he looked at you as you stared out of the window. You were lost in deep thought about the whole graduation thing and didn’t even notice how the houses on the streets were starting to get ridiculously big as you drove further and further into a random neighborhood

He grabbed your hand, kissing the inside of your palm while rubbing those comforting circles into your skin.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, trying to look at the road while also looking at you from time to time.

“I’m just…worried about life after graduation. I don’t like change.”

Yeonjun raised his brows in surprise, a soft smile tugging at his lips as he turned the corner into a brand-new built street filled with massive villas.

The neighborhood looked peaceful, not too flashy and private. Maybe even a little too perfect to be real.

He pulled up to a random house, parking his car on the driveway. The confusion was evident on your face as he opened the door for you, reaching out to take your hand.

He helped you out of the car and you give him a look, chuckling at his awkwardness. “Uh…are we here to see someone?”

He sighed, back hugging you and leaning his head on your shoulder as the both of you looked up at the house.

“What do you think of this place?”

“It’s…beautiful. But I don’t really get why we’re here.” You giggle as you feel him kiss your neck and you turn around to face him, trying to find answers in his eyes.

“If you want…we can stay here.” He bit his lip nervously. “You know, after graduation.”

“W-what? I’m confused. Like Till The End of Summer?”

He shook his head, laughing once again while snaking his arms around your waist at your innocence and obliviousness. “You’re so cute,” he muses, pulling out a set of keys from his pocket and suddenly realization hit you as pure shock takes over your features.  

He bought the fucking house.  

He couldn’t help but laugh at your shocked Pikachu face. He had been planning this behind your back for so long and it was incredibly hard to keep this a secret, especially since literally everyone knew about it but you.  

You didn’t know what to do or say, completely frozen and shocked as you look at the house with big watery eyes.  

He pulled you in for a deep and passionate kiss, giving you the keys to the front door with a big smile.  

“Till the End of Our Lives.”  

Bonus Chapter 15

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[dreamii-yume]

Uwaaaaaa can I request some sweet crumbs of Idia and his s/o sharing a few kisses and being a cute wholesome family with Ortho?? <3

“Whoa! Nii-san!”

You flinched as you heard the little robot’s voice from outside the room, followed by something crashing. You slowly peaked through the crack in the door, making sure to stay as quiet as possible. There, you saw the Shroud brothers with the older one on the ground, seemingly had toppled over a table, blindfolded. Ortho, the younger one hovers above him, face-palming at what predicament his brother got in.

“I told you to calm down and go left, right? Why did you suddenly go right, Nii-san?” Ortho said with an exasperated sigh. “Come on, stand up, Nii-san! We’re almost there!”

Idia, having no vision at the moment, desperately clung onto the wall, his legs were shaking as different kinds of emotions swirls in his mind. “Your left is my right though!? Don’t give me directions when you’re up front!” Idia complained, his hands trying to find anything he can grasp onto. “S-Seriously...Where are we going, Ortho? We’re still in our dorm, r-right...? Your Nii-chan’s getting a little scared here, you know...?”

“Uh-huh! So, just be patient and follow my instructions, alright, Nii-san~? Properly this time!” Ortho strictly said, floating ahead with Idia on his own left to maneuver his way towards him, being blindfolded and all.

“...E-Even if you tell me that...Geez...” Idia mumbled under his breath as he began to follow his litte brother’s voice once again, trying his best to not anger the little one.

Ortho spotted you peeking through the door and gave you a close-eyed smile, putting his index finger in front of his mask. You covered your mouth to prevent a giggle, but you thought that little scene between them as brothers were really adorable. You gave him a thumbs-up before entering back in the room, making sure to close the door as quietly as possible.

It didn’t take too long for the doorknob to sound their arrival, aside from the few crashings of items outside and bickering of the Shroud Brothers. You quickly moved into position and grab the plate of cake that was assigned to you, slowly tip-toeing over to the side so that you wouldn’t be a burden to the main boy of the day. The door opened without much further interruption, revealing Idia still with the blindfold on and Ortho guiding him by the shoulders from behind.

“O-Ortho...? Where are we- No, wait, this place feels familiar, are we in my room? Ortho, what did you-“ Idia was about to continue his rant, but shrieked in response when Ortho soon giggled and snapped his fingers.

With that, his blindfold automatically detached from his head, and as soon as he opened his eyes, the whole room lighted up. A bunch of automatic party poppers bursts loudly in every corner of the room, confetti flying everywhere with his favorite idol music echoing loudly in the speakers. Idia could only watch with widened eyes as he looked around everywhere, it was his room but it was barely recognizable with all these physical and holographic decorations running around. “Surprise!” Suddenly two voices instead of one rang through the room, making Idia turn around and instantly heating up as other than Ortho, he saw you, holding a whole plate of cake.

“Surprise, Idia-kun!” You greeted with a gentle smile, walking towards him with the cake. It was clearly a hand-made birthday cake, a joint effort between you and Ortho as it was decorated by things that Idia loves. Something that should only be known to those who knew him in a personal level.

“(Y-Y-Y-Y/N)-shi...!?” Idia backed away as his face almost exploded from the amount of blood rushing to his face to see his crush, out of all people, greeting him on his special day. Expecting this kind of reaction, you and Ortho looked at each other and nodded in agreement before taking a deep breath.

“♪ Happy birthday to you~♪ Happy birthday to you~♪” You both sang in synch as Ortho lighted up the the candles on the cake you were holding. “♪ Happy birthday, dear Idia/Nii-san~♪”

You looked up at him, gesturing the birthday cake in front with a wide smile as Ortho supporting you from behind. “♪ Happy Birthday to you~♪” You both finished with a playful giggle, like little children surprising their teachers on teacher’s day. “Please make a wish for your birthday and blow out your candles, Idia-kun!”

“...W-What...?” Idia exclaimed, still confused on what’s happening and turned to Ortho in panic. Though, he couldn’t deny that the sound of your voice singing him a birthday song was soothing as hell. But that’s not the proper time for that! “Ortho...! D-Did you upgrade yourself or something...? Why...Why is (Y/N)-shi here and...and offering me a cake...I-I don’t think...I-Is this real...!?”

“Geez~! Me and (Y/N) (L/N)-san went all through these trouble just to prepare a simplistic birthday party that you’ll enjoy and that’s the reaction you give~!?” Ortho scolded his brother while you sweatdropped in the background, preparing to calm the little boy. You can’t see his mouth moving but you knew for sure that he was puffing his cheeks, his eyes says it all after all. “Nii-san, you’re so insensitive! You’re not gonna go anywhere in life if you’re always like this!”

“A-Ah, s-sorry...?” Idia apologized at the upset little robot, but then realizing that his brother just actually confirmed his questions. He turned to you and certainly, you don’t look like a holograph, no matter how realistic one could be at this time and age. You’re here, in flesh and blood, smiling up at him as if you were intending to make his heart stop from your presence alone, which it actually did the first time. “...(Y-Y/N)-shi is...A-Actually h-here...?”

You sweatdropped at his frozen self before taking a step closer to let him see the candles that he has yet left to blow out. “Yup, I’m here. Now, make a wish for your birthday, Idia-kun! The candles will run out soon if you don’t~” You reminded him. “It’ll be waste if that happens.”

Idia was at the point of hyperventilating now, whatever Ortho did to get you involve in this surprise birthday plan, it was certainly bad for his heart...In an ironically good way. He couldn’t formulate the proper words, let alone think of a wish to give to these candles, he can’t even bring himself to calm down. He looked around, trying to avert his eyesight, but doing so only prompted Ortho to cross his arms, giving him a disapproving look whilst shaking his head. He flinched, this school has definitely rubbed its dirt on his brother for him to be so strict, where was his cute little angel brother that follows his every call!? Regardless, he really can’t blame him for this, he’s happy that you’re here but at the same time, it’s just puts him in a tight spot...Which he absolutely hates.

“Well?” You called to make sure Idia was still in there and not brain dead like Ortho warned you about.

Idia looked up at you, and to Ortho, before looking down, he fiddled with the tip of his hair timidly. His face was flushing in embarrassment, you find kinda cute actually. “...None.” He said in a small voice, but enough for you and Ortho to hear, earning a shocking response from the two of you. “I have none...At least, not anymore...”

You and Ortho looked at each other, wondering what the older Shroud means. “I-I got the game I wanted recently, I already went to a virtual concert of my favorite idol, and my wish for that childhood game that me and Ortho loved was granted as well...And, um...” He explained, looking away, becoming more and more shy by the minute. “...One scenario I wished for this day is just...impossible so...”

“...And that is...?” You tilted your head to the side, curious to hear what the Idia Shroud hasn’t attained yet. However, Ortho beside you only blinked as everything automatically clicked in his own mechanical head. He widened his eyes in realization and even gasp slightly, observing how his brother looked at you.

Oh, that’s right...His brother always wanted you to...

“...ce me...” You raised an eyebrow, leaning closer to hear what he actually said. It was barely a whisper, there was no way a normal human being like you could’ve heard that.

“Excuse me?”

Idia’s face got hotter, he whimpered at the intensity of the pressure and soon resorted into covering his face in embarrassment. Upon seeing his defensive position, you quickly backed away from him, realizing how rude you’re sounding like. “O-Oh, sorry! It’s fine! If you’re uncomfortable with saying it then, you don’t have to force yourself to.”

You reassured him as you remembered how scared and nervous Idia can be when it comes to social interactions. Instead, you went back into smiling as you kept your distance, holding the cake properly once again. Idia peeked between his fingers though, grateful that you stepped back but still felt somehow unsatisfied and disappointed with himself. “I’m sorry, wishes are not supposed to be said out loud, right? My bad~! Just feel free to blow out the candles in your own will~!”

Ortho flinched and quickly looked at Idia, signalling all his support to his timid brother, encouraging him to say what he wanted to say to you before its too late. Idia, felt that desperation, they were brothers after all and he just can’t left it hanging. “U-Um...” You turned back to him to properly hear what he has to say this time. Idia started breathing heavily, but you knew that he was probably trying to calm himself down.

Seeing how relaxed you are, not even weirded out the slightest of his actions, Idia could actually feel himself calm down. He was glad that you were quite the patient person, being able to tolerate him even if he’s like this. You knew that he was having a hard time so, you’re not saying anything, keeping yourself quiet to give him time. It’s almost like you understand his struggles, and that’s...He just loves that about you.

So with a deep breath he- “iwantedyoutonoticeme!” confessed in a single breath, which just lead to Ortho slapping his own forehead and you trying to process and break down what he just said. Upon realizing his mistake, he quickly looked up at you with his arms waving frantically, trying to explain his situation with the sound of his heart racing against his chest. “I-I mean! I love- NO. That’s not...! What I meant was, um-! I-I...Oh, God...!”

“I-I wanted you to notice me!” Idia covered his face as a last resort, so that he wouldn’t see your face during in his lowest. Seriously, someone just kill him now right where he stands, Ortho, please forgive your older brother. “Y-You’ll probably think I-I’m a c-creepy otaku but I like you! You don’t have to accept me but I always...I-I always wanted you to see me...”

Oh, god...This is the worst. He can actually feel tears slowly buidling up in his eyes. As embarrassing and scary this is though, he couldn’t stop his mouth from saying what he’s really feeling. He’s scared but he’s also desperate. “N-Not as the guy behind the tablet...O-Or the dorm leader of Ignihyde...” He said and finally gathered up the courage to look at you in the eyes. “But f-for who I am! I at least wanted you to notice me for that!”

“That! Is my wish!” Idia blurted out and blew on the candles rather aggressively that you were taken back with Ortho silently cheering in the background.

The guy kept his eyes shut as tears were prickling in his eyes, afraid to open them and see a look of disgust in your face. Well...He predicted it before and prepared for it but now that he’s in that current scenario, he realized just how scared he really is to face it. Meanwhile, you blinked repeatedly at his confession as you had never seen such a timid guy like him create an outburst as drastic as that. Your lips slowly formed into a calm smile and soon scooped up a decent amount of icing in the cake. “Idia-kun.” You called out, encouraging him to open his eyes, but smudged the icing on his lips before he could even have the chance to do so.

“Mmgh-!?” Before he could even fully open his eyes, he soon froze in his spot as he felt your lips on his, kissing him and licking some icing off. Ortho gasped and let out a sound similar to that of a squeal as he happily floats above ground.

Looking down at you, Idia was left without any functioning words to say but you just laughed back at him. You licked the remaining icing on your lips and wiped some from his own before looking up at him. “Granted.” You said with a wink. “You’re wish is granted, Idia-kun ♡”

He swears to God, Idia is in the verge of passing out, this was just too much! What the hell did you just say!? Y-You ki...kissed...! However, before Idia could fully deliver his explosion of different emotions, a sound of a camera shutter and flash engulfed the two of you and quickly turned to the mischievous robot boy in the other side of the room. “So cute~! Isn’t this great, Nii-san~!? You finally said your true feelings to (Y/N) (L/N)-san! Although you were all over the place with your confession!” He said, mildly roasting his older brother but still waved the camera with the picture he took in front of him. “But still, she accepted it! Congratulations, Nii-san! I should save this to my memory file just in case!”

“O-Ortho, you...!” Idia flushed red, while you couldn’t help yourself but laugh at the two bickering brothers, it’s really so adorable. You watched as Idia attempts to stop his little brother from possibly leaking the picture to everyone they know with sheer amusement in your eyes. Though, you let out a sigh of relief, cheeks slowly reddening in color as you finally come into terms with your situation. You were glad that you have confidence in your acting skills to be able to hide your feelings to a minimum when your heart was beating just as fast as Idia’s. It would’ve been a disaster if the both of you were to stumble over your words like that, yikes.

You watched at the scene in front of you with your eyes shining in relief and satisfaction. It ended up a happy ending after all, you honestly think Ortho’s the real winner here, pulling out such a massive match-making move. Letting out a breath, you walked towards Idia and clunged onto him with your usual smile, although your blush didn’t seem to disappear. “Wah...(Y-Y/N)-shi...” He stuttered, his body tensing up but his cheeks flared up, debating whether he should hug you or not. While he does that, you turned to Ortho and created a space in between you and Idia.

“Why don’t we all take a picture together instead?” You suggested, gesturing for Ortho to come fill up the space you made. “Come here, Ortho! I’m sure you’re the happiest one in here, even far more than the two of us combined, right?”

Ortho widened his eyes before nodding enthusiastically. “Of course!” He said as he flew right over the two of you and squeeze himself in between. A holographic camera came blasting out of his chest, ready to take a picture. “A picture to remember Nii-san’s special day and together with my new Nee-san~! Of course I’m the most happiest here!”

You and Idia looked at each other and couldn’t help but chuckle at the excited little robot. You leaned onto each other to fit the camera template, holding up a peace sign all the while.

“Cheese~!”

How does one translate Idia’s use of “-shi” as honorofics, huh. His otaku language is beyond me puhihi~

Aahh, I want to write another one~ You darlings such interesting hornii in my inbox that I just want to- ughh I want to write more but I need sleep...( ；∀；)

Should I write another one~? Aah, but I don’t think I have enough time~ (＞人＜;) I also might pass out lol I’ll still try though! If Decemember 18 comes to pass and I end up not posting anything then it probably means that I succumbed to the bed lol

Anyways, thank you for attending yet another Birthday Crumbs Celebration~! (*≧∀≦*)

[legoshi-plz]

Can we get some general headcanons of dating Louis plz 🥺👉👈

You sure can! I don’t know why but this prompt really called to me for some reason and it’s a nice break from the usual! This is with College!Louis simply because..... I’m a simp for College! Louis 😳

Reader can be read as any gender or animal type/class.

Warning: NSFW +18 [under the NSFW warning, first half is SFW]

*Disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing about Deer in general and made up 100% of the stuff in here because I am too lazy to actually google Deer physiology (also I just wanted to make the hcs)

///////

Okay so let’s start at the beginning! Like the beginning beginning. Louis saw you around campus but he’s still a Herbivore so he was shy about approaching you. Despite his overbearing superiority complex in high school, I feel like College would really put him back into reality. You have no reason to idolize him or fear him. He might be pretty popular on campus but he’s nowhere near the God-status he thought he had so he’s unsure of how to even approach a total stranger that he sees everywhere and can’t stop thinking about. Also he has an insane amount of insecurities which end up getting the best of him causing him to chicken out every time he wanted to get close to you.

You on the other hand? Barely noticed him. You’d seen him (his gigantic antlers which got even bigger in college were pretty hard to miss) but you regarded him as out of your league and immediately put him out of your mind. You weren’t one to dwell on if boys liked you/why didn’t boys like you blah blah blah.

Needless to say, your first few interactions with Louis were pretty terrible. He was awkward, stiff, defensive, it was like pulling teeth but in verbal form. You didn’t like him.

One day you brushed beside him and he nearly jumped out of his skin. You asked him what his problem was and he answered honestly “Sorry, you make me incredibly nervous.”

Suddenly it all clicked, the averted eyes, the bristled fur, the awkward stuttering. He might have outwardly appeared suave to any other animal on campus but he was still just a Herbivore with a crush.

Moving on, the two of you start dating and Louis is completely wrapped around your finger. It takes a while for his initial nerves around you to wear off, even after the relationship turned romantic. He constantly wanted to impress you or seem cool to you which you repeatedly reminded him you didn’t care about but it was important to him.

Once the two of you were more settled into the relationship and had been dating for some time, he still likes to impress you. Not to the same extent as before but he never folds on certain aspects because your opinion of him is something he values gravely, even if he won’t admit that to you.

King of Self Neglect, he stays up way too late studying, gets hardly no sleep, stretches himself way too thin but will still always make time for you even if he’s utterly exhausted. One time he nearly fell asleep sitting up while the two of you were on a date. You drove him back to your place, tucked him into bed and let him sleep it off. He felt awful the next morning for ruining the date and cleared his schedule the entire next day for a ‘redo’.

If ever verbally asked, Louis will vehemently deny liking PDA. In actually, however, he can’t keep his hands off you. He’s always touching you, caressing your cheek, holding you around the waist, interlocking your hands (especially the pinkies!! he doesn’t even realize he does that one, you’ll just look up and he’s totally aloof to this soft gesture), resting his chin on the top of your head/shoulder, nuzzling your neck (this is a big one for Deer and actually a declaration of love but you don’t know that). He’s pretty touch-starved but he hates to admit it so please indulge his clingy behavior (and he is very clingy.)

Speaking of clinginess, Louis is still incredibly petty and if he feels you’re not making enough time for him, expect to be called out on it.

“Am I not enough for you?” “If you prefer the single life, I can stop burdening you with this relationship.” “I see I come last in your life, as always.” “Don’t string me along. Either breakup with me here and now, or actually be with me.” “I see you do not take this relationship as seriously as myself. I will adjust my expectations of you accordingly.”

He’s a total drama queen and at first his proclamations scared you, thinking he was going to break up with you. But once you realized he was just overly dramatic about everything, you barely bat an eye now. You still try to make it up to him, though, whenever he’s feeling neglected. He’s enjoys that very much.

Any holiday, he’s asking you to come home with him. The mansion gets pretty lonely with just him and Oguma and he wants you there with him. You almost always comply.

At first he was pretty insecure about his leg and felt like you might think he was a freak because of it or worse: weak. You always let him know that you don’t care about his leg and that you love him regardless, even though you believe he has nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. That always makes his heart burst with love for you and he turns into absolute puddy in your hands.

Very jealous. Still holds on a little to that envy he has for Carnivores and thinks one might steal you away, especially since a couple of your male friends are Carnivores. In his mind, who wouldn’t want to be with some one bigger or stronger? He tends to lash out when he’s feeling particularly jealous and it’s the cause of almost 90% of the fights you two have.

When it comes to fights, even though Louis can be very petty, he hates every second the two of you are at odds so he usually apologizes fairly quickly. If you are the one who is in the wrong, he will continue to do normal activities (holding your hand, going out to dinner, cuddling) but he will do it angrily and give you the silent treatment until you apologize (please apologize quickly, he hates being mad at you even if he doesn’t admit it.)

His favorite activity? Anything where you lay on his chest. He lives for it and he really doesn’t get a restful sleep unless you’re on his chest. (Also he totally owned a weighted blanket before he met you because Deers usually sleep cuddled together in little huddles so it’s just kind of their ‘thing’ but it doesn’t hold a candle to when he has you sleeping on his chest. Actually had a “Is this what I’ve been missing all these years?” revelation moment when you two first started dating.)

Wear his clothes, it makes him feel manly also he thinks you look adorable. Plus he loves when you give them back and they’re covered in your scent, makes him feel so... owned? But in a good way! As if you were staking your claim on him which is a secret weakness of his.

Doesn’t really like Horror movies but will endure them if you’re into them. Likes to watch with you on his lap and his hands under your shirt (yes, he’s extremely distracting and yes he’s just trying to fool around. He couldn’t care less about the plot because he finds it unrealistic and not scary)

Though Louis had long ago cast aside the thought of having children (he doesn’t believe he’ll be a good father, similar to Oguma), any time he sees you interact with children and how well children respond to you, it awakens that inner ‘Stag’ in him and suddenly the thought of having kids doesn’t seem so bad, not if you’re by his side. He tends to try to not linger on those feelings for too long though so he doesn’t get any big ideas.

Okay now time for the NSFW portion.

Once again, Louis can! not! keep! his!hands! off! you!

Male Deer have a higher sex drive than the average Herbivore male so please be prepared for that.

Loves when his partner is kinda heavy, it amplifies the sex for him. His favorite thing is when they ride him/bounce on top of him, it’s practically an instant nut from him.

Louis can force himself to hold off on coming if he has to but he has a ridiculously quick recovery time along with the stamina for multiple rounds so he’d rather just come in or on his partner then keep going rather than prolonging it.

Oral is a power play to him and nothing turns him on more than using his incredibly long/skilled tongue to turn his partner into a weeping mess before him.

Has a habit of picking his partner up and throwing them over his shoulder to carry them to the bedroom. Asserts his dominance and he knows his long legs will get you both there faster.

He loves a vocal partner, and craves every syllable you can muster during sex. Whimpering his name mixed in with nonsensical affirmations of love gets his heart (and cock) instantly swelling.

Remember that he likes heavier partners? Well that ties into the whole thing with the weighted blanket and Deers just in general craving something on top of them, so naturally Louis prefers when you’re on top but is happy to participate in any position you prefer. Just know if it’s missionary or some variation of that, he is throwing your legs over his shoulders (so it’s kinda like a compromise?) The boy just really loves having you draped over him, okay?

Also in the case of a heavier partner, he is always trying to flex his strength and assure you that you’re not too heavy for him at all. Always picking you up (to fuck you against the wall), sitting you in his lap (to finger fuck you), carrying you bridal style (to take you to the bedroom to fuck you.) He’s very determined to show you just how obsessed he is with your body.

He’s very weak when getting his cock sucked and WILL come in your mouth within a few minutes. He’s not ashamed in the least bit.

You have about a five minute window after sex to do everything you need to do (use the bathroom, get cleaned up, etc.) because once he atttaches himself to you, you’re not going anywhere. Cuddling after sex isn’t optional, even if he’s mad at you.

Speaking of which, angry sex with Louis? Absolutely mind-blowing. Once he’s in full blown Stag mode, there’s really little you can do except lay there and take his huge cock while he pumps you with load after load of cum. Also, the overstimulation is out of this world.

Louis’ demeanor completely cracks after sex and he’s literally at his most vulnerable with you then. Openly confesses just how much you mean to him in moments like these while showering you with aftercare/ affection. Really turns into the lovey dovey type and likes to just sit there stroking your fur whispering sweet nothings in your ear while you lay on his chest.

This has probably gone on long enough so I’m just going to end this here but the boy’s madly in love with you, enough said.

[sweetestlamb]

Still, I Rise

Summary: Damn teenagers and their angst. 

Author's Note: Back with another chapter, if you didn’t already know it I will be revealing our mystery character from the last chapter LOL please put down the bats and weapons (jk take them out it’s hilarious!) With this chapter we are getting closer to the “climax” and I am so excited to write the fun chapters I have planned ahead, one scene that I am really looking forward to writing is the camping trip, I had so much plans and events that I wanted to see that didn’t because TVN woke up and chose basic, we hate to see it. I can’t wait to rewrite history honestly also can’t wait to just move to onto regular schmegular teen problems, I swearrrrrrr. 

"Don't you dare embarrass me this time. You aren't ugly why can't you get these damn little rich brats to like you? Are you truly this useless? Don't come home if you can't make this one fall for you!"

Those had been his father's final words right before his hand split his lower lip open with a razor sharp blow that made his head whip in recoil. His father's footsteps faded as he walked away leaving him crumpled on the ground, anger and embarrassment raging in his blood. He hadn't chosen this life at all, never wanted to be a bargaining chip for that despicable man. First with Eun Dan Oh and now this new girl, Kang Sujin.

She'd initially stood him up and he had felt foolish sitting in the lavish restaurant by himself, checking his phone but no calls or messages arrived.

His father had been livid that night, more vicious than usual his stepmother's weak screams served as the soundtrack for his brutal beating. Why couldn’t she just be quiet? Did it make her feel better when she acted as if she actually gave a shit about him? His brother coming into his room after with those pathetic weeping eyes and a bandage had only made him angrier, he shoved him away slamming the door in his face, refusing his help. He didn't need anyone, nobody could save him from his horrible fate. 

It hadn't taken much research to find out her school and on impulse he'd gone there without her knowledge, watching from afar at first. A tiny girl with short hair framing her face had ran giggling into a taller girl with long dark hair and a classically beautiful face, they walked side by side smiling and laughing and that's when he'd heard her call out , "Sujin we should get something to eat!"

It wasn't love at first sight or anything ridiculous and disgustingly romantic like that, but he felt a connection to the girl for some inconceivable reason as if they were kindred spirits or something, maybe it was the remnant of a bruise he saw on her wrist hidden beneath her sweater. 

It seemed they had more in common then he had initially believed, it was a grim similarity. 

He'd gone home feeling less burdened than before, and his father's smile had been terrifying when he'd told him that he would work hard to win the girl over, only because he knew how quickly that smile could evaporate and his father could become the monster he was accustomed to. He tried not to flinch as the older man clapped him on the shoulder, his body already in fight or flight mode.

His father had merely smirked at his apparent fear.

Bastard.

So he'd taken to following the other girl around, she was going to be his fiancé anyway so he saw nothing wrong with it. And that was how he learned about the other boy, a tall slender boy who looked like someone that would grace an idol magazine cover. They were together more often than he liked, and it seemed more than platonic if the glances and subtle touches were a sign.

He wasn't jealous per se, but this would be a roadblock in his plan that he couldn't afford. He was getting used to not being beaten. 

The day he'd followed them to the hospital presented another challenge for him, he hated hospitals and what they represented with every fiber of his being. He'd spent too much time in them growing up and then again for a girl who couldn't care less about him, she was another reminder that he wasn't worthy of love. He had thought he loved her but still hurt her whenever she disobeyed him, he knew he was no better than his father.

Unexpectedly Sujin had burst through the hospital doors, surprising him and forcing him to hide lest she spot him, peeking out from his hiding place behind a tree he saw her distraught and near tears running the opposite direction. He stood in shock merely watching and waiting to see if the unknown boy would follow her, but thankfully he never came.

Pushing down his own wariness and discomfort he walked into the hospital immediately feeling a cold chill on his skin, he refused to call it trauma that made it sound like something was wrong with him. He was fine and he could do this.

Thankfully the nurses were too busy and nobody noticed him walking by and he froze when he spotted another man who was capable of making him flinch. Doctor Kang, he looked anything but approachable in his gleaming white lab coat and he remembered watching the man laugh with his father as they both sold their children without remorse. Instinctively he hid watching the man glare into a hospital room, he almost feared for whomever was the recipient of the ice cold gaze.

Minutes melted by before the doctor finally walked away, his steps clipped and echoing on the linoleum floors and he finally let out a sigh of relief when the other man disappeared around the corner.

Stealthily he rounded the corner and took the doctor's abandoned spot, peeking into the room through the small window in the door. It was that boy again, the idol wannabe but this time he wasn't alone there was a young girl with a bouquet in her arms and a older woman lovingly patting him on his cheeks.

His mother.

A loving one, at that. 

His blood seared watching the domestic scene, jealousy ripping through him like a tornado. There was no way he was letting this asshole have Sujin too, he already had too much. More than he, Baekyung would ever have.

                                                                The motorcycle roars under her thighs as they whip down the road. It only serves to remind her of the first time she was on a bike with another boy, his cologne and the scent of leather infiltrating her senses and making her heart jump through hoops. This time she feels nothing but annoyance and extreme frustration, barely holding onto the stranger in front of her as she leans forward to yell above the engine, "Pullover!"

She knows he heard her based on the immediate tension in his body but he continues to ride ignoring her request demand. With a grunt she grabs onto his waist only to bodily drag them to the side not caring if they both crash at this point she cannot stand another second on this bike with him, instantly he straightens them before skidding to the side and finally pulling the brakes bringing the motorcycle to a halt, the moment the bike stops she hops off in a frenzy.

Thrusting the bottom piece of his helmet up he screams at her, "Are you insane? You could have hurt us!"

She bares her teeth at him, ready to unleash her full anger on him now without an audience. 

"Who the fuck are you? And why did you come to my school?" She bellows glaring poisonously at the strange idiot who had single handedly upended her day.

Moving calmer than she's feeling, he dismounts finally pulling his helmet off and then squeezing it under his arm looking down at her. 

With a condescending look he stares at her, "You know exactly who I am, don't play dumb it's beneath you."

He's right. She does know who he is although she had never seen him or known his name, she had truly thought she could ignore him and he would disappear. Just like with her father that was proving to be an erroneous dream that would never come true. 

"But I'll formally introduce myself since we are going to be engaged soon after all, Baekyung. You can call me oppa though."

Engaged soon.

Her head spins from his words, she feels terror shift over her like a thick suffocating blanket.

"You don't even know me. Why would you even agree to this?" She stares at him in disbelief, at a loss to his acquiesce to their tragic fate.

The look in his eyes haunt her, it's like staring in a mirror and gazing back at the person she was months ago. Somehow without her knowledge or consent she'd changed, grown even and therefore started believing that her life was just that, hers.

"You act like we have a choice. Don't be stupid, we have to just do as we're told. It's easier this way for everyone." He repeats those words that she herself had uttered to Seojun not so long ago, a sense of deja vu washes over her. 

"How is letting ourselves be used easier? Don't you have your own dreams or aspirations? Isn't there someone you actually like?" She knows the error of her argument immediately as she says it, his eyes narrow into thin enraged slits and she can practically feel the anger vibrating off him.

"Don't pretend to care about me. This is about you and your little boyfriend," he spits the word like acid and immediately she remembers those chilling words he had whispered in her eyes earlier, "Do you think he'll be safe?" That was all it had taken for her to go with him, he couldn't get hurt she wouldn't allow that to happen ever. She had no idea what those ominous words meant and how this boy could pose a threat to Seojun but she knew she had to hear him out and protect Seojun anyway she possibly could. 

"He's not the only one you should be worried about." The smug bastard continues with a humorless grin on his face and suddenly the dots connect, her father outside of Ms. Han's hospital room and that calculating look on his face. Her stomach drops.

"Leave them out of it!" She screams embarrassed at the urgent plea in her voice but she can't help it, she's so scared more than she's ever been for herself.

"Well that all depends on you doesn't it? Your dear father will have no reason to do anything to them if you listen like a good daughter and date me as expected."

She stands frozen once again feeling helpless, it kills her inside all her growth slipping down the drain in a matter of seconds.

"Why are you doing this?"

He stills at her question, his cold mask dropping and leaving something numb and unreadable in its place. It feels familiar to her, she awaits his answer with bated breath.

"I want to live, even if I have no control over it. I'd rather be alive."

Thunder clashes above them, the previously sunny day shifting into a gray dark distortion, heavy storm clouds ominously loom above them and the first raindrops land perfectly on her cheeks, crying the tears that she refuses to let fall. She has no more left to cry.

Confusion is an understatement to express Su-ah's true feelings following the mysterious boy on the motorcycle, when she finally gets Sujin on the phone the other girl is quiet and mumbling, evading all her questions and as soon as she mentions Seojun, Sujin shuts down hastily ending their conversation with some nonsensical excuse. 

That was not going to be the end, Sujin might want to play dumb about the true nature of their relationship but she wasn't part of the circus. She was no clown, she had eyes and it was clear that they liked each other and it was only growing the more time they spent together. She wouldn't let her best friend sabotage something that could be great for her, she deserved happiness and Seojun made her happy. So it was truly that simple. 

Stomping up the slight incline to school, she huffs and puffs determined. She was going to talk some sense into the other girl.

Those thoughts come crashing all around her when she sees Sujin coming out of a car, a car that she has never seen before and her questions are answered when the boy from yesterday steps out after her. Every eye in a ten mile radius is watching them, captivated by this new school scandal. Girls already squealing and giggling, envious of Sujin and doing very little to hide their true feelings. 

“Why is he with her? She isn’t even that pretty. He should be with me.” 

The lies people told themselves to sleep at nights, sad. 

Accidentally knocking the gossiping girl to the side with a rough shoulder check, ignoring her dramatic cry she sprints the rest of the way, once again pushing through the crowd to get to Sujin.

Immediately their eyes lock and she begs Sujin for a answers, What happened? Why are you doing this? What’s going?,  she flinches at the cold emotionless stare she gets in response. She watches in dismay as the tall boy bends down as if to hug Sujin and that's when a loud grumble fills the air, she turns around to the all too familiar sight of Seojun on his motorcycle. He revs the handle bar causing the crowd to part like the Red Sea, then he rides slowly until he's right next to Sujin bike inches away from touching her.

With a practiced motion he tugs off his helmet, those sloping feline eyes already on Sujin in a hard stare.

The tension is insurmountable and cloying and Su-ah watches transfixed before Sujin breaks the impasse, tugging her bookbag over her shoulder she stomps into the school without a word to either boys. But then the interloping boy calls out, “Have a good day. Princess,” and Sujin stops immediately at the word, turning around with a ferocious look in her eyes, “Don’t call me that. My name is Kang Sujin to you. That’s all.” Su-ah sees the way that Sujin’s eyes almost subconsciously seek out a certain cat eyed boy and feels like she misses an entire conversation between the two before Sujin finally walks away. 

The mysterious boy glares at her retreating back before shooting a cold glare at Seojun and then promptly hopping back into his car, the backseat as he's chauffeured away.

"Oh my god! That was so hot! Princess?” 

"Who is that? Does Kang Sujin have a boyfriend? Wow, she’s mean to her boyfriend too. What a bitch.” 

Why do you think Seojun looked so angry?"

"Maybe he's worried about losing his bad boy title!"

The crowd erupts around them in loud voices, all curious about what they've witnessed and already creating rumors to appease their curiosity. Suddenly a loud motorcycle screech causes them all to jump silence falling over the crowd before Seojun rides away, the tight clench in his jaw visible even from her distance.

Lunch is a step above awkward, bordering into painful. The easy conversation that used to be a staple of the table is all but decimated, instead everyone eats quietly chilled by the cold air permeating from both Seojun and Sujin. They only speak when spoken to and avoid all eye contact, especially each others. It's painful to be a witness to and she notes regretfully that neither are eating home made lunch today, opting for the school lunch instead.

Sujin had never officially told her but she knew that they were making food for each other, their smiles watching the other eat made it too obvious.

This was serious. Looking at them now they looked like complete strangers, everyone was too nervous to question the elephant in the room. Everyone except poor Chorong.

"Why is everyone was so awkward today? What did you two fight or something? Why do we all have to suffer because of your lover's quarrel? Just kiss and make up already."

The table all looked on with opened mouths except Suho and herself who both looked worried instead.

And people thought she was slow, how had they all not realized what was happening? It was clear as day.

She flinches at his well-meaning words that are evidently not well received by either teen, watching them both glare at the table unmoving and the silence drags out painfully before Seojun breaks the stalemate. Standing without preamble he glares at Chorong before placing the stare on Sujin, it does nothing to change her unaffected stare. With a loud sigh he stomps away, despite his friends dismayed shouts of his name.

She continues to eat her lunch, watching Sujin in her peripheral.

She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulder and Su-ah for the first time in their friendship has no idea what to do.

But when they all start to funnel out of the cafeteria she follows the other girl anyway, tugging her into an enclave where they are hidden from the rest of their classmates Sujin cries out at the sudden jerk but loses her defensive stance when she realizes it’s just her. 

“What?”

“What’s going on? Why are you letting that punk bring you to school and why are you and Han Seojun acting like you broke up before you even started officially dating? Sujin-ah, please tell me what’s going on.” She pleads latching onto the other girl’s arm peering up at her with puppy dog eyes, they have never failed her before. 

“I can’t tell you yet, I’m sorry.”

There’s a first time for everything and she frowns at Sujin feeling like there is a mountain between them. She can’t help the hurt that she feels knowing the other girl doesn’t trust her enough to tell her what’s going on. She thought they had moved past all the secrets and hiding but obviously she was wrong. 

“I really am sorry. But I will tell you everything soon enough.”

She releases Sujin’s arm, ready to walk away. She hates being in the dark. But before she can walk away, she feels Sujin hand on the bottom of her sweater tugging her backwards, she looks back with a perplexed glare. 

“Do you trust me?” 

She stares at Sujin and the soft tilt of her head as she asks the question, and her answer is easy, although she has no idea what’s going on and none of this makes any sense to her she doesn’t have to think about that answer. 

"You shouldn't do this to him. It's too cruel." Suho expects a biting retort or even a call for him to mind this damn business, so he's shocked breathless when instead the other girl smiles at him, a tiny almost indecipherable thing that makes her lips thinner. 

"You two have come a long way." Sujin responds unexpectedly shaking her head and walking over to the couch, before beckoning him over too.

He stares feeling suspicious but ultimately he follows, curiosity winning.

"I think I'm ready." Sujin expels a deep breath, twisting her hands nervously in her lap. Before he can ask her what exactly she's ready for she continues, "I want to tell your father what happened if you really think he'll help me."

He's too late to swallow the strangled gasp that escapes from his lungs and he leans back in surprise. He wants to continue his conversation about Seojun but he’s scared to do anything to make the other girl retreat or change her mind now. That conversation will have to wait for another day.  

Sorry Seojun. 

"Are you sure? You're really ready to do this?"

There's a long pause and he watches a myriad of emotions run across Sujin's usually expressionless face until something that looks suspiciously like hope blossoms making her glow brighter than the sun.

"Yes. I want to try living just for me."

Blinking away the moisture in his eyes, he pulls out his cellphone sending his father a message.

Please come over.

It only takes seconds but it feels like an eternity before his father replies, he smiles at the message.

On my way.

He stands up to put the kettle on the fire, he knows that tonight will be a long night and he needs something to keep his hands occupied.

When his doorbell rings he's shocked when Sujin stands up looking at him with a serene gaze, "I'll get it." He only nods at her in reply, watching as she greets his father and man recovers quickly at the unexpected visitor, smiling warmly at Sujin before pulling her into a warm embrace.

Even more surprisingly Sujin doesn't flinch, allowing herself to be wrapped up.

His father embraces him as well, patting him on the back and again on the head when they break apart. He can feel Sujin's eyes on them and he moves away guiltily. Now isn’t the time to rub his burgeoning relationship with his father in her face. 

"Have a seat Dad, thank you for coming so quickly."

His father lifts an eyebrow at the sudden serious tone of his voice but he follows his directions nonetheless folding his hands on his lap and looking inquisitively between the two teenagers.

"Is there something you both want to tell me? Perhaps you two are....." His father motions vaguely between them and he stares back not comprehending until his father smiles slyly and Sujin beats him to it, protesting ardently.

"No! No, it's nothing like that. There's someone else...I mean no. That's what what we wanted to talk about."

He raises an eyebrow at Sujin's slip and his father chuckles at her stuttering and the red blaze across her cheeks.

His father waves his arms in appeal, apologetic grin on his face. "Sorry I didn't mean to embarrass you both. I just always hoped you two might one day. A father can dream."

He scoffs at his father, "Give up on that dream she's like family to me. We would never see each other that day."

Sujin nods passionately in agreement and his father shrugs easily, now looking even more curious than before.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

Sujin stills on her spot on the couch, the determination in her bones seeming to melt away with every passing minute. He fears this won't go as planned and he has no idea how to motivate her.

Then a loud vibration rumbles from the couch and it takes Sujin a moment to realize it's her phone, he watches curiously as she looks at the message and then a single tear runs down her round cheek. The determination curls back around her like armor, he watches in amazement as she sits taller turning to look at his father with newfound courage or maybe it wasn’t newfound but suddenly uncovered by whatever she had seen on her phone. 

“Suho asked you for help for me. I’m really the one who needs your help.” He can hear the slight quiver and hitches in her words but she gets them all out and instantly she has his father’s undivided attention, he even turns his body to fully face the girl. Pride swells in his chest at the sight, he was worried his father would only be adamant about helping him directly as a way to get closer to him but now he can see that he was wrong about the other man. Genuine concern fills every line and wrinkle of time on his face. 

“What is wrong? What do you need help with and why can’t you tell your parents?” It’s a innocent question, and logical too but he fears Sujin’s reaction, when she feels like she is backed into a corner in the past that has led to her lashing out with dagger sharp remarks, he watches with his heart lodged in his throat.

“Because they are the ones hurting me.” 

His lungs deflate releasing all the air that was trapped in the sacs, she said the truth without hesitation and he turns to glance at his father watching him process the bomb that she has just dropped on him. His father opens and closes his mouth several times, before finding his voice it is but a whisper when he responds to Sujin. 

“That time you needed a doctor.” The statement is directed to Suho and with a sober nod he confirms what his father already knows, with a loud sigh his father sinks into the couch quiet rage on his face. “I should have known, you always seemed so scared of him but I thought it was just his parenting style I never thought...never expected that he would....I should have done something!” 

Sujin laughs, it is pained and small but he hears it and immediately turns to look at her, “He sounds just like you like father like son I guess,” Sujin directs that at him and he blushes in memory, he can’t deny the claims. Then she turns back to his father with surprisingly soft eyes, “Don’t blame yourself, just help me now if you can.” 

“I will use all of my resources to make sure he spends his life in jail.” 

Suho jumps in his seat looking over at Sujin, that is way more than they had ever discussed that was what he truly wanted for the monstrous man but it always seemed like too much to ask for but here was his father saying it as if it was completely plausible. 

“Jail? Do you really think he can go to jail? It would be his word against mine, I never took any pictures. I was stupid.” Sujin berates herself, and before he can dismiss the self inflicted insult his father is already moving closer and putting a large hand on her trembling shoulder, only then does he realize how the girl is shaking like a new leaf. 

“No, it will be my word against his. I will also get that report from Doctor Kim, that could be used as evidence. You’re just a kid and a victim, I’ll handle this you don’t need to do anything else. You’ve handled enough on your own, we got you now.” His father looks over at him as if waiting for his approval and he moves onto the couch with them both, after a moment’s pause putting his hand on Sujin’s other shoulder. 

“We got you.” 

Jukyeong glances over nervously at Seojun the aroma of coffee thick in the air as she sweeps up the beans she had clumsily spilled on the ground, she waited for Seojun to playfully scold her as he often did when she messed up at work but the reprimand never came and when she glanced over at him he had been staring longing at his cellphone. 

Su-ah had been the first to notice how weird him and Sujin acted around each other and despite not having a lot of experience with relationships, especially those of the romantic kind she could see that they didn’t hate each other as much as Sujin tried to drive the deceptive point home. They were always teasing each other and Seojun found any excuse to be near Sujin and soon he wasn’t the only one, they just seemed to naturally gravitate to each other at times bickering so much it was like they were the only two people in the room. 

But all that had come to an abrupt end with the sudden appearance of the boy on the motorcycle, the entire school was in a uproar over him, Baek Kyung, she had heard the other girls whispering his name. On paper he seemed very similar to Han Seojun, same bad boy persona and affinity for motorcycles and glares. But the biggest difference she noticed was Sujin's reaction to them both, she had heard from some gossiping girls how vehemently Sujin had declared that Baek Kyung not call her “princess”, a moniker she had commonly heard Seojun use to refer to the girl.  Sujin never stopped him these days, instead rolling her eyes and speeding up to escape from him, he would chase after all calling her the sweet nickname all the way. 

When Seojun would use it to refer to her in passing such as, “Are you gonna eat that princess?” Those were times that Sujin didn’t react at all, simply handing him whatever food in her container had caught his eye that she had ignored. 

They were casually domestic in a way that they never seemed to realize and she couldn’t help but categorize. Seojun liked Sujin that was becoming clearer and it seemed like the feeling was mutual, even if the girl wasn’t yet ready to admit it. 

Which was why this new development came as a complete shock to her, why was Sujin suddenly giving her attention to someone else? 

“Did you guys have a fight? Just tell her you’re sorry.” She offers out of the blue, and Seojun turns to her with a puzzled look drying a mug with a cloth, “What are you talking about now clumsy?” 

Thankfully the shop is empty, she quirks at eyebrow at him folding her arm when he continues to play dumb. 

“Sujin. You guys clearly had a fight, you’re both so hot tempered. Her temper is probably worst than yours though so just apologize okay? It’s better than fighting.” 

He stares at her with a blank face before turning away, rubbing firmer at the mug in his hands and she worries for its safety. 

“Why should I apologize when she’s the one who’s with another guy? Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. Clearly this was one-sided. She doesn’t like me.” 

She openly laughs at him now, looking at him like he has two heads. “What are you talking about? If she didn’t like you then why did she follow you to your mom’s hospital? She tried to be all sneaky but Chorong told us everything. Plus she always gets jealous when other girls give you food at school and don’t think we don’t all know that you guys make food for each other!” 

He whips around looking at her with huge eyes, “Wait you all knew? So when I said that someone special made it for me? You knew?” 

She smiles brightly, “Yep. It wasn’t subtle at all.” 

He sighs in annoyance, turning away to hide the pink on his face. 

“I’m not apologizing. I didn’t do anything wrong.” 

She sighs at the boy’s words, knowing that this fight might go on longer than it needs to and she wishes she could just shake some sense into both of them, why were they choosing to suffer like this? 

Damn teenagers and their angst. 

Grumbling she goes to take a customer’s order, glancing over at Seojun with a final sad smile. 

Hopefully they can figure this out without falling apart. 

Time seems to move slower than usual today and he almost pumps a fist in  triumph when he sees that it’s finally eight and they are free to leave. 

“Do you want to me to walk you to the bus stop?” He offers Jukyeong out of politeness but she shakes her head no, telling him that she is going to meet with her older sister for dinner running out before him and hailing a cab, he smiles at the sight that’s one girl who loves to eat. 

Turning off the lights in the shop, he turns over the “open” sign and locks the door behind him. The cool spring night air brushes against his cheeks and he makes his way to his motorcycle, mounting in one motion and sighing as it purrs to life before he speeds off his destination already in mind. He bobs and weaves through traffic, smirking at idiot drivers who blare their horns at him when he inches too close to their precious car but even they are not enough to rain on his parade. 

When he finally arrives, he bounces off the bike throwing the helmet onto the handlebar carelessly before bounding over to the figure he sees waiting. 

He can’t help the smile that tugs against his lips, ultimately setting it free as the figure turns around at the sound of his boot stomping on the ground. 

“Did you wait long?” He asks moving closer until he can feel the heat wafting off the body in front of him. 

“No, I only just got here too. Why are you smiling like that? You look deranged.” 

He smiles wider, feeling mischievous after what a certain klutz had revealed to him with a smirk he leans closer to her, grinning harder when she leans back looking at him with a confused glare. 

“I heard from a certain birdie that you followed me to the hospital and that you get jealous when other girls give me food. Is that true princess?” 

Sujin growls at him, shoving his shoulder hard before stomping away to the park bench. He eagerly follows after her, throwing his arm over her shoulder smiling at her wearing yet another one of his sweaters, this time a black one that reaches the bottom of her knees and completely hides whatever she is wearing underneath. She looks equally sexy as adorable and it makes his blood boil in a way he has been trying harder and harder to suppress around her. 

“I knew you would try to milk the situation. This isn’t why I told you everything.” 

He smiles recalling what Sujin is referring to. 

Just a day go.....

He stares angrily at his phone in utter disbelief that she would have the gall to call him after what had just happened. She had left on another boy’s motorcycle even though he had asked her not to, he didn’t know what was going on but seeing her leave like that, he wished he knew how to turn off all his feelings for her. No other human should have this kind of power or control over him but here he was ready to burst because she had picked someone else over him. 

“What do you want?” He barks out answering the call with a hard press of his finger and immediately he starts to lose some of his fire when he hears her soft staggered breaths on the other line. 

“Seojun, can you meet me somewhere?” 

He wants to say no, to bitterly hang up on her and tell her that he has someone new too but that would be a lie and he desperately wants to see her and hold her and find out why she decided to rip his heart out and stomp on it.  

Feeling pathethic he answers her with a sigh, “Where are you?”  

Songnisan park. It’s not too far from their school and he hangs up without answering hopping on his bike and riding to her. Maybe it’s stupid but he can’t turn his back on her just yet, he still wants to hear her out even if she’s going to break his heart. 

By the time he reaches the park it’s raining, pouring down in sheets despite the warm weather and he immediately sees Sujin sitting under the downpour while other park goers are running and using picnic blankets as makeshift umbrellas. 

The scenes feels all too familiar and he wonders if this will be their end? Would life be that poetic to have them end the same way they became? 

Sighing he tugs his sweater off, walking quickly to close the gap between them before sitting beside her and thrusting his sweater above both their heads, protecting them from the rain. 

She turns to him with a gasp and he realizes how closely they are sitting beside each other, he can feel her breath when she exhales and it washes over in an intoxicating breeze. He has to forcibly put some distance between them before he does something that he knows he shouldn’t, especially not now. 

“My father knows about us. He saw me at the hospital and I’m scared he saw your mother and sister too. I don’t think I should visit anymore.” 

He pauses to process her words and he feels his chest tighten with anger at the mention of that sub-human, if he ever tried to harm a hair on his family’s head that would be the last thing he ever did. But once the rage passes by he thinks of the rest of Sujin’s sentence, my father knows about us. 

They were an us. 

There was an us for people to know about? 

“Us?” He replies stupidly, unable to stop his heart from fluttering. 

With a sound of exasperation she looks over at him, “How is that the most important thing that I said?” The pretty blush on her face does not go unnoticed but he responds to her statement staying focused, “My mom was discharged today. They said it was just a scare and nothing serious. He can’t do anything to us, if he tries I’ll kill him.” 

He means it, every single word falling from his lips. 

He’s not prepared for Sujin to sob and drop her head onto his shoulder, he drops their sweater umbrella at the sudden pleasant weight feeling the rain drench his hair and shirt instantly. 

“I’m so happy to hear that. I was so worried about all of you.” 

A bubble of happiness explodes in his chest and he’s so close to just letting go of all his anger and holding her, seeing her so worried about his family is almost enough to undo him. 

But, he can’t forget the image of her riding off with someone else. His heart will never forget that ache, that indescribable pain.

“So you care about me now? Is that why you left me like that today? Because you care so much?”

He is being petty, he knows that but he can’t stop the jealousy that is fueling him right now. His green eyed monster is raring its ugly head. 

“That’s the guy you told me to stand up, remember? That’s the guy my father is trying to sell me to. He’s been following us and he knew about you, he threatened you. I did what I had to, I have to do this until I speak to Suho’s father. I think.....No. I’m ready now. I’m going to tell him everything and ask for his help.” 

His heart is pounding erratically in his chest, he can barely hear the rain over the loud thumping of the organ and he can’t believe he ever doubted her, feels guilt twist around him but he pushes that aside to take in everything she has confessed to him, without saying the words she has all but confirmed everything Jukyeong carelessly exposed to him in the coffee shop, she cares about him too enough to want to protect him at any cost. But most importantly she was starting to care about herself, she no longer saw her life as expendable and was willing to ask for help even at the expense of revealing her darkest secret and getting her hopes up. 

Fuck she was the bravest person he knew. 

Without thinking he tugs her into his arms, wrapping her in a tight hug before he realizes what he’s doing but by the time he starts to move back she’s already hugging him back, her arms tight around his shoulder and her head in the dip of his neck and it’s too perfect to stop now. Absently he strokes her wet silky smooth hair and when they finally draw apart, the barest amount of space between them he takes another risk, glancing at her eyes pleading and then smiling when she nods, giving him permission even without knowing what he plans to do, simply trusting him, he leans forward and plants a soft butterfly kiss on her forehead, she hisses in response but instead of moving away she latches on to him tighter. 

“I’m so proud of you baby.” He kisses her again, firmer this time putting all the love and pride he feels for her in that gentle kiss to her brow. 

He expects a lot of things in response to his bold move and the new nickname, a punch, a kick, her loud denial and rejection, he is emotionally prepared for any and all of those reactions, but instead she steals his breath away when she smiles up at him, looking into his eyes and he realizes that she’s looking for permission too and he nods, nervous and anxious to see what she will do. 

With a moment’s hesitation she tugs him down and he goes easily, his heart in his chest and he closes his eyes as her face draws closer to him, his heart is pattering now a crazy thundering mess filled to the brim with anticipation. 

He feels her plush lips against his cheek, the rain making the skin slick and he hums in encouragement as the kiss lingers before he opens his eyes and immediately they are lost in each other’s eyes and he can feel their faces moving closer as if opposite ends of a magnet and he waits for her to stop them, to push him away and run off but she is just as lost as him, moving closer too and when only centimeters separate their lips, a loud crash of thunder booms high above their heads making them jump apart, both flying to opposite ends of the bench. 

“We should...um get out of this rain before we catch a cold.” 

The ride home is awkward and he can barely breathe with how tightly she’s holding his waist but he smiles through the rain, taking care to move carefully on the wet streets not wanting to hurt Sujin and then they are in front of Suho’s apartment, much too fast to his disappointment. 

They both sit unmoving for a few seconds before Sujin releases his waist from her death grip and gets off the bike. 

“Let’s talk over there for a minute.” He states dismounting too and walking over to the scaffold so they can escape the torrential rain for a moment at least. 

They stand awkwardly shivering from the cold in their wet clothes, it’s obvious that Sujin is embarrassed about what happened- their kisses-but he can barely contain his joy, if he were alone right now he would be doing backflips. 

This day as made a complete 180 turn for the better. 

“I have to pretend to date him. We already agreed to come to school tomorrow. He agreed to stop following me if I let him take me to school and go on dates. He has to put on a show for his father too.” She says talking so fast that the words slur together and he wonders absently if she’s nervous? And if so, why? Was she nervous about his reaction? 

He nods in understanding, “Okay. I forgot to say it earlier, but thank you for telling me and not leaving me in the dark. I appreciate it.” 

That’s the logical part of his response, he knows what it took for Sujin to involve him in her plan and how huge it is that she hadn’t wanted him to misunderstand her feelings and motives. But she’s still the girl that he likes and he can’t help the illogical things that flood his mind too. 

“Not on his motorcycle though.”

She looks at him with a deep searching stare and he simply stares back, nonplussed. He knows what he sounds like, a bargaining jealous boyfriend. That’s exactly what he wants to be so he sees no reason to attempt to explain himself, whatever she’s thinking is true and he isn’t the least bit ashamed to admit it. At his unabashed stare she crumples looking away with a barely hidden smile, “Okay. Not on his bike. Even though I never told you that you were allowed to have conditions, this isn’t a negotiation.” She complains but the sting is gone because she has already agreed to his request, he flashes a smile at her. 

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. I will have to act jealous, that shouldn’t be too hard.” He winks at her and this time she does try to punch him, he barely dodges her fist. 

Such a violent little thing. 

“I never said you had to do anything.”

He shrugs, “It makes sense. I like you so it would only make sense that I would be jealous if I thought you were dating someone else, plus he will probably want to see that too.” 

She’s as red as a strawberry as she sprints away from him without another word, waving at him over her shoulder. 

He smiles all the way home, before falling into bed after a much needed warm shower, his toes and fingers were like ice chips when he finally got home. 

Remembering one more thing, he grabs his phone shooting a quick text message. 

Don’t let him call you nicknames. Only Sujin. 

Reading it back he determines that the message is a bit too...commanding and if he wants to keep a certain boot out of his ass he better fix it so he swiftly adds:

Please. 

Present time....

“I didn't do anything. She just suddenly started telling me how much you adore me and how you can’t live without me and that I should just forgive you and take you back.” He sniffles dramatically watching amused as Sujin rolls her eyes, before angrily pulling out her phone, he laughs suddenly worried for Jukyeong so he snatches the object from her hands, much to her chagrin. 

“I might have exaggerated about what she said, a teeny tiny bit.” He demonstrates the small amount with his fingers and she glares at him biting out, “Liar,” before snatching back her phone and stuffing it in her pockets with a grumble. 

Getting serious he turns to look at her with anticipation, “How did it go? Were you able to tell him everything?” She is staring out at the horizon, despite him boring a hole in the side of her head begging for eye contact. 

“I hesitated. I lost my confidence.”

He can hear the defeat in her voice and without a pause he opens his mouth to comfort her and tell her how strong she is and explain why this is just a minor setback but next time they can go together and if she needs him to he will hold her hand the entire time and give her every last drop of his support and--

“But then I got a message and it gave me courage. So I told him everything and he agreed to help me. He wants to send my dad to jail, not just emancipate me.” 

She did it. 

She really did it. 

He smiles at her wider than the ocean. 

“You did it, Sujin.”

She stares at him in palpable shock, he immediately knows why it’s not often he uses her name and he expects her to be happy that he isn’t calling her the nickname she is always dismissing, she’s always so adamant that she is not a princess much less his princess.  

“Don’t call me that.” She says finally turning to meet his eyes and he stares back confused because he had only said her name, why was that a problem? Wasn’t that what she had been trying to get him to call her since the first time he dubbed her princess? 

“What do you want me to call you then?” 

He is truly asking but the look she gives him makes him feel like the dunce in the corner of the room and realization unfurls in his body like a slow moving tsunami and he smiles unbridled at the epiphany. 

He hasn’t wanted to get his hopes up by making assumptions about what this is but maybe it’s time that he have some confidence now, he was someone important to her. She had already proved that in so many ways these past days. 

Taking her hand in his, he smiles brightly at her. 

It’s the first time that he has held her hand, and he can feel the damaged skin in his own smoother hand. His heart aches for only a moment, her hands are just like her they might look bruised and pitiful at first glance but beneath the broken surface lurked unimaginable strength and power and just like the rest of her, they were imperfectly perfect. He never wanted to hold another hand, this was the only one he needed. 

“Good job, you did it Princess.” 

She smiles up at him, looking gorgeous-heart stoppingly so-and he can’t help the way his chest constricts as if he didn’t know it already he knows it now unequivocally . 

He, Han Seojun belongs to Kang Sujin. 

[timextoxhajima]

Grounded: Level 1

Level 0 | Level 2

Member: Minho (Lee Know)

Genre: idol minho x idol trainee reader, angst cause is it a dana fic if there is no angst

Taglist: @jaehyvnsvalentine​​ @licorice526

[O C T O B E R 2 0 1 7]

Now the pain was exquisitely bitter. His shoulders are slumped and he's got those eyebags he has whenever he sleeps one hour every night for a week straight.

And yet, he still manages to spit out that stupid smile when he spots you idling at the entrance of his residence.

"Has BigHit gotten back to you about your second round of audition?"

The sourness in your face overwhelms your nose and eyes, instinct immediately pushing you to run in his direction. Minho quickly slings his duffel bag over his shoulder and behind him, letting you sink your head into his chest as you quietly sob.

"Why are you crying? Even I'm not," Wrapping his arms around your shoulders, you can feel his fingers tapping on your hair.

"That's cause you have a problem with letting your feelings out, you dumb cunt," Your mucus is threatening to slide out and stain his jacket, so you quickly move away and haphazardly wipe it off with the back of your hand. Minho's eyes are tired, and it feels like someone's stabbed your heart with a fork and tried to tear it open.

"Come on, my parents know you're here right? Let's go up and get some food."

Through the small laughters and interesting stories Minho had to share, you can tell by the way his parents look at him eat that they missed him; that they were already proud of him for trying because there was absolutely no way they could've created this specimen of a human by their two hands. Minho had completely personified his entire being into someone that he owns, but right now, he's manifesting that fake, seemingly-emotionless act right before his family and you.

Minho struts into his bedroom, you trailing slowly behind as he trudges his feet. Quietly shutting the door behind you, an interal debate sparks off in your chest. To force Minho to talk or--

The pinch in your heart is particularly challenging to tolerate when you see Minho scoop Doongie up into his arms, sinking to the floor next to his bed when he lets his tears fall. The muscles in your face distort into something torturing to look at in the mirror right next to his bed, the reflection triggering you into more of an emotional mess than he was in. 

Doongie meows, nuzzling her snout into Minho’s hands. The fact that the cat, that usually wouldn’t give two fucks about her owner, was bothering to provide him some attention was threatening to shatter your spirit into a million pieces. You can hear him gulp down the desire to fall apart when he wipes his tears away, and you choose to remain silent, simply resting your head on his shoulder with your arm interlocked with his. 

Gently closing your eyes, his crying gets physically more aggressive when his shoulders start to shake. He remained silent, and yet all you could hear was him cracking open. 

Was it worth picking yourself apart for a dream that is difficult to attain? Why do we subject ourselves to this life - this life of mirrors and camera flashes and headlines that might not speak the truth? You are halfway there, maybe permanently stuck here, and while most people would want that freedom, you choose to subject yourself to those restraints? 

Why?

Why are you so persistent in your dreams and what you love that you put yourself through this intricate torture that does nothing but pulls you apart... and then you’d have to shove your pieces back all together again?

Lee Minho, is it really worth it... breaking my heart so I can watch you travel miles away from me? Is it really worth it... to spend hours and months and years away from me, where I can protect you and tell you it’s okay to cry? Is it really worth it... to sacrifice your own desires for just one thing you want? 

Is this really what you want? 

Is it so hard to realise... that I need you by my side and not on a stage that I’m not on?

His harsh sniffles jolt you out of your inward misery, cuing you to quickly blink back the tears that were alarmingly close to dribbling over your lower lids. 

“I messed up the lyrics.”

Minho chokes himself into a chuckle, and his laughter alone is enough to make to smile to yourself.

“You messed up the lyrics?” Raising your brows out of his sight, you can feel him moving to wipe his face. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure Chan would’ve killed you on the spot if he could.”

Minho laughs through an exhale. “He would’ve.”

“So,” A gentle shuffle as Doongie finally shifts her attention away from her owner and to his duffle bag. “What now?”

The boy hums in soft contemplation. “I’m heading back to JYP tomorrow to practise more until he tells me what to do.”

A small pout finds your lips. Is this your impending future too?

“You haven’t told me what happened at your BigHit audition.”

Sitting up, you purse your lips before turning to look at Minho. His eyes are a mixture of red from the crying and dark from the lack of sleep. 

“Should I even bother having this conversation with you since you literally just got back--”

“Yes?!” There is some degree of change in Minho; he doesn’t want you to feel burdened by the need to pity him for being eliminated off the show. “I was a backup dancer for BigHit since I was like, 17. You waltz in at 15, get into the backup crew unit at 16 and get casted?” Minho scoffs, unsatisfied.

“And I can’t even get into JYP.”

You fail to stop the slap that you were landing on his arm.

“See what I mean? I’m not having this conversation with you if you’re going to compare.”

He smiles. 

“Alright, alright. So, seriously though,” He tilts his head forwards so he can meet your eyes. “How did it go? What did they say? Are they calling you back for a second round?”

Taking in a deep breath, your chest puffs out as you lean your head backwards. 

“I just danced for the first audition, and they told me to try and sing something from BTS, so I danced to Not Today while singing it--”

“What? Not Today? While singing it?”

“It was not  a great idea, I’ll tell you that. It was breathy and my volume was inconsistent.”

“Given the amount of Hellish footwork that song has, that’s not a surprise.”

“Right,” You comb your fingers through your hair. “Anyway, they didn’t give me a score or anything. They just thanked me and told me to wait for a call for the results.”

“So... now you’re just waiting?”

You turn to him. “Is there anything else I could do?”

He returns to his original position, back pressed flat against the side of his bedframe and folds his arms. “Well, if they didn’t eliminate you on the spot then I think you have a good chance of being called back for a second round. Companies usually don’t like wasting their time on someone that they don’t find potential in.”

You shrug lifelessly. “I don’t know. I don’t really care... yet, I guess. It’s not a priority. I’m just going because the BigHit assistant manager said I have potential so... I’m just trying to figure out where my potential actually stops.”

“Potential doesn’t stop growing though,” Minho lifts both arms and places both hands behind his neck, elbow touching each other in front of his throat. “Instead of thinking that way, I think you need to start considering if you really want this idol life. Once you’re in it, there’s almost zero chance of you coming back to becoming an ordinary citizen. And besides, word has it that BigHit has plans for a new boy group, right? That makes you, a girl, a new trainee, susceptible to their plans.”

You turn to him in slight surprise and suspicion. “How do you know these kind of things? You sure you don’t train at BigHit?”

Minho laughs wholeheartedly. “Word travels fast in this industry. The idols, managers and CEOs know everything before a single member of the public does.”

Your eyes revert back to his flooring. “I’ll deal with it when the call comes, I guess. I’m like 99% sure they aren’t gonna call me and tell me I got in anyway.”

Minho hums. “We could bet on it.”

His eyes are filled with anticipation – not for himself but for you, and it makes you want to hurl on him because he deserves it so much more than you do.

“Screw off,” Offering a gentle chuckle, you push yourself to your feet. “I’m gonna go home. Call me when you head back to JYP.”

“What for?”

“So I can watch you walk into your death trap of fangirls and paparazzi flashlights.”

“Get your wallet ready, I’m betting fifty.”

“You can ask BigHit for that fifty if I get in.”

Your heart is racing so hard against your chest when you meet those familiar faces again. Those that sit behind that five-meter table with their names printed on silver placards before their hands. The numbers of the digital clock behind them stared down on you like a devil’s eyes emerging from the darkness. 

Among the five judges or audience - or whatever you called them - though, sat Bang Shi Hyuk himself. Gold, round glasses perched on the edge of his nose bridge as it threatened to slip off. One of the panelists was the assistant manager of BTS’ that had handed you the audition card. Another was a choreographer you recognised only because you’ve come to BigHit several times before: he was BigHit’s resident choreographer. The other two were rap and vocal trainers. 

It feels like they were discussing about a price tag to paste on your forehead, then place you on a throne and yell “How much for this one?!”

“y/n?”

The assistant manager’s voice smacks you out of your mid-air sandcastle. Bang Shi Hyuk was leaning over to the choreographer, reading his notes while looking back at his. 

“How are you feeling?”

Bang Shi Hyuk pulls back to his own seat, eyes scanning you above the gold rims of his glasses. The other three panelists have sold their attention to you, the vocal trainer looking like she was struggling to maintain that kindred smile she had on her face, otherwise you might’ve just dropped dead from the anxiety. 

“Um, nervous is an understatement.”

The little smile that curves Bang Shi Hyuk’s lips is miniscule. The atmosphere somehow physically diffuses. 

“Well, you did dance and sing to Not Today in your last audition,” The choreographer speaks up, arranging his notes in a corner and taking a sip of water. Is this it? Have they come to the conclusion that I’m not worth training?

“I-- Well, it’s the only song I know the exact steps and lyrics to.”

“Have more confidence in yourself and you don’t need to worry too much about steps.”

The assistant manager looks over the choreographer sitting next to him and eyes the CEO of the biggest boyband in K-Pop. 

The mirror behind them was only displaying the tiredness that was seeping from your limbs. You’ve never heard of an audition where they allowed the auditionee to look themselves in the mirror, but of course, there was a camera sat right behind Bang Shi Hyuk’s head.

Your palms are sweating, and your knees probably slightly bruised after you performed a bit from GOT7′s Hard Carry, only because Minho had made you learn it with him in your free time. 

The goodbye between you and Minho wasn’t teary or saddening, but it sure as Hell felt like shit when Minho was walking off into such an uncertain future - only for you to receive that phone call for the second audition just minutes after he leaves. 

“What made you do Hard Carry? It’s not an easy song.”

“I... I know the exact choreography but not the lyrics.”

“Would you rather a song that you know the steps to or the lyrics?” The vocal trainer leans over her notes. 

“Um,” I’m a dancer. Of course the steps. “The steps. I’m not over the top with singing... or rapping, for that matter.”

Bang Shi Hyuk finally stops the questioning when he pulls off his glasses and leans back in his seat. 

“We are in the midst of training a group of male trainees for a boy-group debut in 2019, and our previous group is BTS who debuted back in 2013. It’s a big gap. This means that there might be a chance that we’ll only be debuting a girl group - if it even is a girl group - in...” He shrugs his shoulders. “2025? Maybe later?”

“2025?” You blurt out at the mention of the year. 

“If you’re not up for this plausible plan then--”

“Uh,” The assistant manager actually interrupts Bang Shi Hyuk. You’d expect the CEO to be pissed or at least, unhappy, but all he does is blink at the assistant manager and leans forward. 

The assistant manager whispers something to the CEO, leaving you burning with questions. You couldn’t decide if you were more nervous if they turned you away, or if they still remained you the question of waiting for eight long years. 

The low-volume conversation finally fades to a stop when Bang Shi Hyuk pulls away, the assistant manager looking more anxious than before he said anything. 

“I wasn’t much present at all the performances you did back-up for BTS, but Mr Son has informed me that you were pulled out from some 700 auditions and even out of the 20 girls that made it to the dance crew, he only asked you to come for the audition.”

Wait, 700?

“This is the same man who scouted half of BTS, so I trust him when he says you’re someone worth training. But I must know this, are you willing to pull through with this? You’ll have a whole file of contract to read, years of training and even after debuting, you must be aware that there are things you cannot do.”

Of course. Because my best friend is walking straight into this same situation. I’m losing him to this file of contract, will I choose to further the distance by taking one for myself too?

Before you can respond, the assistant manager looks at you with soft eyes. “You don’t have to respond now, but we do need to know if first - you’re interested to become a trainee. You’ll be on probationary training for about two to three years, see how you get along with the other female trainees and only when we have decided to debut a girl group with a confirmed number of members then we will have you sign the group contract.”

“Hold on,” Your tongue is dry. “Does that mean I--”

“You passed the audition. Say ‘yes’ now, and you’ll be a BigHit trainee.”

The force of the revelation feels like someone’s dropped a brick on your head with a post-it on it saying “CONGRATULATIONS!”

“Do I have time to think about this?”

Bang Shi Hyuk already doesn’t look that interested. But the assistant manager nods and offers you a pursed grin. 

“We’ll wait for your answer, so take your time and weigh your options. We don’t want our trainees walking into something they don’t know everything about.”

A deep breath fills your lungs. The words were spoken to you, but why is it that you see Minho’s face in the mirror, because he is what you’re worried about?

[kpop-zone]

Mamamoo reaction to meeting their ex at their debut

A/N: Hey guys!! This will probably be the last post for a week, because I’m going on vacation again. Sorry for the inconsistent uploading schedule lately. Soon my semester will start again though, so my life will hopefully be more consistent again :D

Solar

“Who are the flowers for?”

Moonbyul asked confused when she saw Yongsun getting out of the car, anxiously clutching some flowers.

“Um...Y/N’s group is debuting today. And you know...I thought, just in case we run into each other, I don’t want to be emptyhanded...”

Yongsun stuttered and her members looked at her skeptically. Which was understandable.

It had been two months now since Yongsun had broken up with you and it took no genius to see how much she regretted that decision. She had thought that your relationship was only a burden in your tight schedule, so she wanted to free you of it. But in hindsight, she realized how hard it was for not to be a part of your life anymore. Who was taking care of you now?

Therefore, she wanted to use this chance today to make sure that you were doing alright. It was totally, absolutely no way of trying to win you back. This was just a selfless and subtle gesture without any ulterior motives. At least that was what she told herself in order to appease her bad conscious.

As soon as Yongsun entered the venue, she started looking for you. Your group’s dressing room was just two doors down the hallway, and she contemplated whether she should “run into you” before or after your performance. Figuring that you needed to focus for now, she decided to try getting a hold of you after the show ended. Gladly, she was in the show business for long enough to not let her state of distraction show during her own performance, but as soon as she stepped off the stage her nervousness came rushing back.

With knees like jelly, she walked up and down the hallway till you finally stepped out of your dressing room and actually almost ran into her.

“Y/N! What a coincidence that we meet here.”

Yongsun chuckled nervously, but when your gaze landed on the flowers in her hand, she realized how stupid she must sound.

“Coincidence, huh?”

You raised your eyebrow skeptically and Yongsun could feel her cheeks starting to glow.

“Anyways...I wanted to give you these. I saw your performance and you were awesome. All of you were, of course, not only you.”

She tried to save herself, but with every word, she sounded more like a stuttering mess.

“Thanks.”

You answered shortly before immediately turning on your heel as soon as you took the flowers. Panic started to make Yongsun’s heart beat twice as fast and a surge of adrenaline clouded her better judgement as she saw you walking away.

“I regret leaving you!”

She suddenly blurted out, causing you to stop in your tracks.

So much for being subtle.

Moonbyul

“You know what, I’m just going to wish Y/N good luck. I mean we’re both adults, so we should behave maturely. There is nothing wrong with wishing someone good luck. Every decent human being would do that, right? You don’t think I am being clingy, right? Right, guys?”

The other members huffed annoyed after another one of Moonbyul’s ramblings.

For weeks now, Moonbyul went from being awfully confident in her plan to being completely anxious and none of the members knew how to help her at this point. And neither did Moonbyul herself. She had broken up with you over a year ago because neither of you had taken care of the relationship like you were supposed to, but till this day, she still didn’t know how to face you. Therefore, the wordcount between the two of you added up to zero ever since the breakup and now Moonbyul felt stupid for finding you on the day of your debut.

She would just let the universe decide.

If the two of you ran into each other, she would talk to you. But if not, she would accept that it wasn’t meant to be. Therefore, she didn’t stress herself out when she stepped into the venue. A variety of staff members and some occasional idols were running around in the backstage area and Moonbyul sighed. Why had she made such a fuss beforehand? The venue was big enough to avoid a person that you didn’t want to see.

That is if the universe didn’t have other plans.

“Moonbyul?”

Your voice made Moonbyul’s blood freeze and she stopped dead in her tracks. With wide eyes, she turned around to see you standing only a few steps in front of her with a big smile on your lips.

“I thought it was you! Hey! How are you?”

You hadn’t changed a bit. You were still the same loving and charismatic person that you had always been and Moonbyul instantly felt the last bit of anxiety leaving her body.

“Hey, Y/N! I’m doing good. How are you though on your big day?”

Moonbyul walked a few steps closer to you, happy to see that all of her concerns had been in vain. There was nothing awkward about this encounter and you didn’t seem to be bitter because of the breakup.

“Ugh...I’m nervous beyond belief.”

You whined and reflexively, Moonybul reached out to grab your hand. For a second, she froze, but when you didn’t pull away, she squeezed it encouragingly.

“Don’t worry about it, Y/N. I know that you are a great performer. I’ve always seen it.”

Moonbyul smiled softly, causing you to blush.

“Thanks, Moonbyul. That means a lot to me.”

Right when you closed your mouth, your leader called you and you needed to rush off. All Moonbyul was able to say was ‘Good luck’ before you slipped out of sight. Deep in thought and a little shell-shocked by her own discovery, she made her way to her own dressing room to seek the help of her members who were already waiting for her expectantly.

“Guys, I think I want Y/N back.”

Wheein

“Are you nervous?”

Hyejin asked from beside her as the two of them were driving to the venue of the music show.

“I don’t know whether I would call it nervousness. I would call it...curiosity maybe. I’m curious to see how our encounter will be.”

Wheein answered thoughtfully and turned her head to look at her best friend who had a concerned expression on her face.

“Now that Y/N has debuted, I think we’re going to run into each other a lot from now on. So we should probably learn how to deal with it.”

Hyejin skeptically scanned her face but nodded in agreement once she realized that Wheein wasn’t showing any signs of nervousness.

And Wheein was being honest. There was a time a few weeks ago when she had learned that your groups would be on the same show together that she felt a little uneasy. You hadn’t parted on bad terms, but your breakup had still hurt. Both of you had lost yourselves in your hectic lives and your relationship hadn’t been where it was supposed to be, but that didn’t mean that losing you wasn’t hard. It had taken Wheein a few months to stop her heart from aching every time she saw something that reminded her of you. But by now, she was feeling fine; she was feeling prepared to see you again.

Nevertheless, she wasn’t so sure how you would react. Therefore, Wheein moved around very carefully in the venue in order to not accidentally run into you. If you were to meet today, it should be on her terms. And she decided that it would be best if she quickly stopped by your dressing room to wish you luck before your stage. That’s what every good friend would do, and she wanted to be one for you.

Half an hour before your performance, Wheein stood in front of your door, fixing her clothes one last time before knocking three times. It didn’t take long till a manager of yours swung open the door and instantly ushered her inside when he recognized her.

“Y/N?”

He called out your name, causing you to turn your head.

As soon as your gazes met, it seemed like the rest of the dressing room suddenly faded into the background. The loud babbling and tumultuous running of the others wasn’t bothersome at all as the two of you shyly walked towards each other.

“Hey.”

You said and Wheein waved awkwardly in response.

“I wanted to wish you all the best for your performance. I’m really looking forward to it and I know that all your fans are going to be really proud. Just like me.”

A wide smile spread on your face and you thanked her profusely before casually starting to chat with her about the past months.

That actually went smoother as expected.

But what was that warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of Wheein’s stomach?

Hwasa

Was Hyejin a smooth talker? No. Did she know how to defuse an awkward situation though? Also no.

Nothing made Hyejin more nervous than knowing that she could potentially run into you today; not even the thousands of haters that would wait for every single of her mistakes during Mamamoo’s performance. There was just so much uncertainty surrounding you. Would you be mad at her? Would she throw you for a loop and mess up your debut?

It would probably be for the better if she avoided you today. Therefore, Hyejin moved around the venue like a ninja. Her face was pretty much completely veiled even after she had stepped inside, and she hid herself behind her members until they entered their own dressing room. Everything was going according to plan until her members decided to throw unexpected hurdles into her way.

“Hyejin, could you get us some more water from the lounge down the hall?”

Yongsun asked while the makeup artist was working on her eyes.

“Me?”

Hyejin screeched panicked, attracting the attention of the others.

“Yes you... the managers are busy right now and we ran out of water.”

Her leader pointed at the mountain of empty water bottles, causing Hyejin to sigh dramatically. Everyone truly seemed to be busy and she was the only one sitting around.

Reluctantly, she got up from the couch and dragged her feet to the door. Very carefully, she opened it and peeked her head out to make sure that the coast was clear before slipping into the hallway. A number of other idols crossed her way and she greeted all of them politely, but Hyejin didn’t even stop once to chat, because her goal was to return to the dressing room as fast as possible. She was about to return when a familiar voice suddenly made her heart stop. It was coming closer and closer and in her state of panic, Hyejin quickly jumped behind the couch of the lounge room. Her breathing had become erratic by now, but she tried to be as silent as possible.

“Um...Hyejin, what are you doing?”

You suddenly asked confused and Hyejin closed her eyes in shame. Busted. Slowly, she crawled out of her hiding spot, smiling to distract from her cheeks that were glowing bright red.

“Oh hey, Y/N. I haven’t even seen you there.”

She stated sheepishly while scratching her neck.

“So you always chill behind couches?”

You tilted your head questioningly, causing Hyejin to giggle nervously.

“Your debut! It’s today!”

Nice catch, Hyejin thought to herself. You immediately started beaming and seemed to have forgotten about her awkward behavior from before.

“Yes, it is! I’m super excited.”

Your wide smile was contagious and Hyejin proudly looked at you.

“You really deserve it, Y/N.”

She stated and you shyly bowed your head.

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

You mumbled and suddenly Hyejin was glad that she had run into you. You should know that she was still on your side.

“Well I should get going. Good luck!”

With a last wave, Hyejin made her way back.

“Oh hey, Hyejin!”

Your loud voice made her stop and she turned around in confusion.

“Don’t hide from me the next time. It was nice meeting you.”

You winked cheekily while pointing at the couch, causing Hyejin to blush. Nevertheless, she nodded in agreement before rushing off.

It was nice.

[joontopia]

No Room For Love - ksj | Chapter 1

pairings: jin x reader; jimin x oc

genre: ceo!au, business!au, enemies to lovers            contains angst, fluff, & smut

warnings: nsfw, death of a minor character, language, little bit of angst, eventual smut, minor violence

chapter warnings: alcohol consumption, talks of death/character dying

a/n: IT’s FINALLY HERE. I’m so sorry this took so long for me to get out. After work getting crazier due to the pandemic, a lot of personal life interruptions, and a last minute change in parts of the plot and minor character details, it’s here! Shout out to my best friend and twin flame for being the best beta reader and fixing all of my mistakes (even if you poke fun at me for it, i still love you). I hope y’all enjoy it and thank you so much for being patient with me. 

summary: You never belonged in this lifestyle. Never fit in with the high class society of the rich and famous. Being the illegitimate daughter of a famous CEO, you were always seen as an embarrassment. As dirty blood. But when your half brother, Jimin, decides to give up his inheritance to follow his dream as an Idol, you finally get the chance to prove yourself.

Burdened with the responsibility of protecting the family name and saving your father’s business, now is not the time for any distractions. But one night and one lapse in judgment lands you in the arms of rich party boy, Kim Seokjin. He’s reckless. He’s annoying. He’s absolutely gorgeous. And he’s definitely not the man your father has arranged for you to marry.

You can’t shake him or the feelings that come along. But soon you learn that there’s no room for love in a society that never loved you.

It’s odd, the things you remember when you’re watching someone die. Little memories that you long forgotten about start to resurface in your mind. 

Like the tiny, two bedroom apartment you used to live in with your mom until you were thirteen. The walls you always remembered as a dull grey now shine in your mind as a bright sky blue. You’re sitting in the living room, dressed in a second hand princess costume. A handmade paper crown lies on the coffee table patiently waiting to be decorated with the mismatched gemstones that were spread around it. You’re smiling, drawing bright red hearts on the yellow construction paper. You can still remember the smell of the chocolate cupcakes your mom was baking in the kitchen for your sixth birthday. A hint of strawberry in the air from the homemade strawberry icing your mom was currently mixing on the counter, smiling every time she looked up to check on you. You felt your mouth start to water, remembering the taste of your birthday cupcakes. How every year, your mother would allow you one guess at her secret ingredient for her icing. You never were able to figure it out, and now you will never get the chance. 

That little apartment was always a place you had associated with embarrassment and sadness. This single, happy memory of your childhood home making you tear up in your mother’s hospital room, riddled with guilt. You wished you would have appreciated her more. Instead, you spent the majority of your teenage years blaming her for everything that was wrong in your life growing up. How you grew up known as the bastard daughter of one of the wealthiest men in South Korea. The product of an affair between your mom and the CEO of Park Properties, Park Ji-woon.

You hear a few light knocks coming from the doorway, ripping you from your subconscious back into the present. Turning to look at the unexpected visitor, you feel a blanket of comfort fall over you as your eyes fall on the boy leaning on the door frame. His light pink hair was hidden under a black hat and half his face was covered by a black mask, but the way his eyes turned into crescents from his smile was all you needed to see to know who it was. 

“Jimin.” You jump up from your chair by your mother’s bedside and run over to your half-brother, throwing your arms around him in a hug. 

“Hey, Peaches.” You smiled at the childhood nickname Jimin gave you when you were both kids. He rubbed your back in comfort before breaking the hug, moving his hands down your arms to hold yours. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I jumped on a flight as soon as I heard.” 

You look up at your brother with a small smile. “You didn’t have to come, Jiminie. I would’ve understood. You’re in the middle of a tour!”

“This is more important,” He says as he smiles back at you. Jimin was in the middle of a world tour with his four member idol group, Chaotic. He should be halfway across the world right now, performing half a dozen shows along the North American West coast. Instead, he is here at the bedside of his half sister’s dying mother, the woman who nearly ruined his family’s reputation. The media would have a field day. 

Jimin looks over at your mother, his smile dropping as he takes in the ventilator she’s hooked up to. The sound of it breathing for her mixed with the beeping of the machines echoed off the walls of the quiet room. 

“How much longer do we have?” His hands let go of yours as he walks over to an empty chair by your mother’s bed, taking her hand in his as he sat down.

“I don’t know.” You follow him, pulling up your chair next to him and sit down. “Doctor says it can be any moment now. Tomorrow, next week, the next few hours. She was slowly showing little signs of improvement, but suddenly it just took a turn for the worst.” You feel your eyes start to water and take a deep breath through your nose, trying your best to fight them back. It was only you and Jimin in the room. He wouldn’t blame you for crying. Anyone would be expected to cry in this situation, but letting your tears fall right now would just make this whole situation all too real. You weren’t ready to believe that your mother could be gone any day now.

“She’s always been a fighter, hasn’t she?” Jimin’s voice was barely above a whisper as his thumb rubbed the back of her hand.

“Yeah… She has.” You both sat there in silence for the next half hour. A few sniffles escape from Jimin, the bill of his black hat covering his eyes, making it hard for you to see if he’s crying. You hear another soft knock by the door, both of you turning to see one of the hospital nurses leaning into the room with a soft, close lipped smile on her face.

“I’m so sorry to disturb you, but visiting hours are almost over.”

You give her a small nod, returning the smile while telling her thank you before she disappears out of view. You hear shuffling next to you and turn to see Jimin standing up from his seat, smoothing out any wrinkles in his all black attire.

“Have you eaten yet?” He asks you as you stand up from your chair, following him to the doorway. 

“No, I was just gonna grab something on the way home.”

“Come out with me and Ashley tonight. Tae came home too so you don’t have to worry about third wheeling.”

You stopped in the doorway. Jimin turned to look back at you, catching the look of surprise on your face.

“Taehyung’s here, too?” You were surprised to hear he was back. Taehyung was your highschool sweetheart and Jimin’s best friend. Your relationship was short lived, ending on his terms, shortly after him and Jimin debuted together as Idols. You’ve only exchanged a handful of words to each other in the two years since then. It’s safe to say spending any prolonged amount of time with him was not on the top of your to-do list. 

Jimin gives you a soft smile, the look of confusion and surprise not lost on him. “He’s worried about you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but he still cares about you, Y/N.”

You let out a sigh, turning your head to give one more look into your mom’s hospital room. Turning back towards Jimin, you walk towards him, following him down the hallway to the elevators. You were still surprised Taehyung flew all the way back from their tour in support of you. You sneak a glance at Jimin, starting to feel a little guilty that they both flew all this way for you. The least you could do was go to dinner with them.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” you finally answer him.

He turns to look at you, eyes shining bright under the bill of his hat as he smiles at you. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you say, smiling back at him. “One night out in a while may be good for me.”

Dinner went by in a blur. Your best friend Ashley secured a private room at a popular BBQ restaurant for the four of you. Perks of being the daughter of one of the wealthiest men in Seoul. Being the known girlfriend of the beloved Park Jimin helped, too. After an awkward, half-assed hug and an exchange of small talk with Taehyung, you spent most of the dinner avoiding eye contact with him. Ashley, sensing your discomfort, was doing her best keeping the boys talking about stories from their tour. It wasn’t long until a bottle of soju was ordered for the table. With everyone taking shots, it didn’t take long for you to start to feel more relaxed and enjoy yourself, laughing at Jimin’s recount of how Tae accidentally broke into the wrong hotel room while drunk. 

“He was just lucky it was our manager’s room,” Jimin laughed while Tae was shaking his head in his hand.

“Oh, poor Taehyungie. We just can’t take you anywhere, can we?” You said with a smile as you took another shot of soju.

Taehyung looked up at you with a brief look of surprise at you addressing him before turning his lips up into a smirk. He looked between you and Ashley, asking the two of you a question while pouring himself another shot. “So what have you girls been up to while we’ve been away?”

“Nothing as exciting as midnight skinny dips in hotel pools,” Ashley said with a huff as she rested her elbow on the table, head leaning on her hand. “Y/N-ssi has been kept busy with work. I’ve managed to get her to come out for dinner and drinks every now and then. She doesn’t like to come out and play as much as she used to.” Ashley looked at you with a pout.

“We’re not in university anymore, Ash.” You roll your eyes, smiling at your best friend as she stuck her tongue out at you. You and Ashley spent the better parts of your university days jumping from one party or club to another. A luxury you haven’t been able to indulge in as of late due to the increased involvement your father has been wanting you to have with his company. You hear Tae snicker across the table from you. You raise an eyebrow at him, not sure what exactly he was laughing at.

“We should go out tonight then,” Jimin said as he waved over the waitress, handing her his credit card to cover the dinner bill. Ashley squealed happily in response.

“Yes! There’s a new club I’ve been dying to go to! I can get us on the list.” Ashley grabbed her phone off the table, her fingers tapping away on the screen.

You nibbled on your bottom lip before speaking. “I don’t --” The words were barely out of your mouth when Taehyung cuts you off.

“What? Daddy’s little girl can’t come out and play again? I guess some things just never change.” You watch as Tae takes another shot of soju. You hated it when he called you a daddy’s girl. His tone of voice always puts such a negative connotation on it. You always knew your habit of doing what was expected of you bothered him. That very tendency of yours being one of the main reasons for your break-up. It was part of what fueled your partying back in university, feeling the need to prove him wrong. You try to tell yourself that you didn’t have anything to prove to him now, but you also didn’t want him to know his comment got under your skin.

“Let’s do it,” you say, standing up from your chair. Jimin and Tae looked at you in surprise as Ashley stood up with you.

“So awesome! Word hasn’t gotten out yet that you guys are back in town, so no one should suspect to see two Chaotic members out in Seoul. We might be able to go unnoticed by the media. Now come on, we can stop by my apartment to change before we go. I have the cutest outfit that you can wear.” Ashley grabbed your hand, leading you out of the restaurant. The boys following closely behind you. As you make it out to the street and towards Jimin’s car, you try your best to give yourself a mental pep talk.

“It’s just one night, Y/N… What could possibly happen?”

JIN POV

“Hey, Yoongi. Chanyeol just told me that two members of Chaotic have been added to the guest list tonight. Should we block off one of the VIP booths for them?” Namjoon walks into the office, plopping down on one of the chairs in front of Yoongi’s desk. 

“Chaotic? Aren’t they halfway across the world right now?” Yoongi asks, feet propped up on his desk as he leans back in his office chair, scrolling through his phone. One of his hands absentmindedly fluffing his mint colored hair.

“Yeah, I think your boy got bamboozled, Joon.” Jin laughs, sitting up from his prone position on the office couch. Namjoon flashes his middle finger before running his hand through his light brown hair.

“Fuck off, dude. He says he’s friends with one of the member’s girlfriends. She texted him an hour ago saying it’s going to be her, 2 members, and some girl.” 

“He always says he knows someone’s girlfriend or cousin or whatever. This is the last freebie he gets. Anyone else, he needs to run it by me first.” Yoongi states, eyes still glued to his phone. Namjoon hums in response, too preoccupied looking at his own phone to give a proper acknowledgement. 

Jin looks at his own phone, checking the time. 10:47 PM. Yoongi’s club should be in full swing of operations by now, evident by the bass of the music vibrating the walls of the office. Jin stands from the couch, letting out a small huff of boredom. This was just another party, another night full of alcohol-fueled entertainment. Another night full of socialite girls with personalities as interesting as watching cement dry.  He takes a look at his two best friends, his two partners in crime. Best friends since childhood that grew up to be known as the biggest Playboys in all of Seoul. The first few years since they all came of age were fun, but lately the fun seems to have run stale, at least for Jin. When Yoongi opened this club a month ago, Jin was hoping it would reignite the passion for partying. It did for a while, but it quickly became the same party just a different scene. He claps his hands together, taking a few steps towards the door.

“Well, shall we get the night started?” Jin turns to his friends, the club music becoming louder as he opens the door to the office. Yoongi and Namjoon stand from their chairs, walking past Jin and out the door. 

“Good time as any,” Namjoon says while checking something on his phone. “Chanyeol says his friend is here with the Chaotic members. They’re making their way to one of the VIP booths now.”

“Moment of truth. This should be interesting.” Yoongi slaps Namjoon on the back, walking past him and down the short hall to the club. Jin follows behind them, closing the door. He lets a yawn pass his lips, stretching his arms out through it and placing his hands behind his head. As they make their way out towards the dance floor, the boys stop at the small landing that looks over the club. Namjoon points towards the VIP area, pointing out a guy with light pink hair with his arms around a girl. 

“That’s got to be Park Jimin,” Namjoon shouts at Jin and Yoongi over the loud music of the club. 

“Well, where’s the other one?” Yoongi shouts back. The three of you scan the dance floor looking for another one of the Chaotic members. After a few moments, Namjoon points towards the bar. “There! Pretty sure that’s Kim Taehyung. The girl next to him must be the other person that’s with him.”

Jin looks over towards the bar, his dark brown eyes widening as his eyes land on you. “Wow.” The word left his mouth without him even realizing. Namjoon turns to him and smirks. 

“Don’t get too excited, Jinnie boy. That’s probably his girlfriend.” Namjoon punches Jin’s shoulder lightly, walking down the small set of stairs after Yoongi and making their way towards the VIP section. Jin kept his eyes on you. He took in the annoyed look on your face as Taehyung was talking to you. There’s no way you were his girlfriend. Not with that look of disinterest in whatever it was that Taehyung was saying to you. He continued to watch as you grabbed the drinks from the bartender, turning away from Taehyung while he was mid sentence and made your way up to the VIP area. “Even if you are his girlfriend, you’re obviously not happy with him right now,” Jin thought to himself. “Doesn’t matter. You’ll be mine by the end of the night.” Jin started down the stairs, following his friends to the VIP area, smiling to himself. Looks like it wasn’t going to be another boring night after all.

Holding the drinks you bought for you and Ashley, you make your way through the sea of dancers and back towards the VIP area. You’ve only been in the club for a total of 10 minutes and you already regret it, wishing you could leave now and curl up in the comfort of your own bed. The skin tight black bodycon dress and stilettos Ashley dressed you in; making you feel slightly uncomfortable and you weren’t quite drunk enough just yet for the short length not to bother you. Taehyung wasn’t helping your mood either. When he had offered to help carry drinks, you were hoping it would be an act of kindness performed in silence. Instead, you spent the entire time trying to tune out his backhanded apology. 

“I’m sorry if what I said at dinner upset you, Y/N. You didn’t have to come out tonight to prove anything. I know fun like this isn’t really your scene.”

You scoff at the replay of his words in your head. Fun like this. What was he trying to say? You enjoyed plenty of fun like this when you were in university with Ashley. You couldn’t help but think that he would know that, if only he didn’t find you not worthy of his time to stick around back then. It’s not your fault he decided to show back up when you have to act like a grown up. You have a reputation to upkeep now. You already have so much working against you, being labeled as a constant party girl wouldn’t help.

You start up the stairs to the VIP area only to be stopped when you feel someone grab your elbow. You turn to look at the unwelcome interruption and find Taehyung glaring at you with an annoyed expression, holding two bottle beers in his free hand.

“What now, Tae?” You bite at him, not even trying to hide the annoyance in your voice or on your face. 

“You can’t just walk away like that. It can be easy to lose you in this crowd. You need to be more careful.” Tae holds onto your elbow, only letting go when you jerk it out  from his hand.

“I know how to navigate a club, Tae. Believe it or not, this isn’t my first time at one. I can look out for myself.” You turn back around and start back up the staircase. You hear Taehyung say something behind you, barely making out him say “Fucking brat” over the loud music. Whether he meant for you to hear it or not, you don’t care. You decide to ignore him, rolling your eyes and continuing on.

Once you make it up to the VIP area, you see JImin and Ashley sitting with three other guys, talking and laughing.You take in the three strangers, trying to figure out why they look so familiar. The low lighting of the club makes it hard to see them clearly from this short distance. You could tell they looked around your age, if not just a bit older. You see the guy next to Jimin throw his head back in laughter. His mint colored hair pushed slightly back with a headband and a gummy smile displaying across his face as he leaned his head back down. Next to him sat a taller man with light brown hair and horn rimmed glasses. He was laughing along too, listening to the other two boys in whatever conversation they were holding. 

It was the third guy talking to Ashley that held your gaze longer than the other two. His profile alone was alluring. Your eyes travelled from his dark hair that fell into his eyes to the sharp cut of his jawline. From there your eyes moved to his neck, watching his Adam's apple bob up and down as he talked before taking in the wide set of his shoulders. You don’t realize you were fantasizing how it would feel like to run your mouth up and down his neck and shoulders until he looks in your direction. His eyes meet yours, smirking as if he knew what you were just doing, pulling you out of your thoughts and back to reality. You couldn’t help but look at his lips, noticing how plump they were before taking in his full face. From this angle, his features seemed soft and boyish if it weren’t for the contrast of his jawline. God, he was gorgeous. Ashley follows his gaze to you, smiling as she jumps up to grab her drink and pull you towards the table.

“Oh, Y/N! Tae! Perfect timing! Come meet our new friends.” Ashley pulls you down into the seat next to her, right across from the wide shoulder Adonis. Tae took the seat next to you, passing Jimin’s beer to him across the table. Ashley grabs everyone’s attention, introducing everyone around the table starting with the mint haired boy.

“This is Min Yoongi. He’s the owner of this club. Next to him is Kim Namjoon. His dad owns one of the largest recording labels here in Seoul.” The two boys take their turns waving at you. You return a polite smile before Ashley moves your attention to the last newcomer, his lips turning up into another smirk once your eyes meet. You feel your eyes trail down his body, eyes glancing over the part of his chest peeking from his white V-neck before landing on the exposed skin of his thighs from the sinfully ripped jeans he was wearing. You start wondering how his body looks under his clothes before mentally slapping yourself, shooting your eyes back up to his. He lets out a small chuckle and you know he is completely aware that he’s been mentally undressed by you. To be fair, it probably happens to him all the time. Too busy ogling over your tablemate, you don’t notice the death glare Taehyung is shooting his way or the way Ashley looks between the two of you with a raised eyebrow before continuing her introduction.

“And this is Kim Seokjin. Guys, this is Kim Taehyung and, last but not least, my best friend and Jimin’s sister, Park Y/N.” 

“Please, call me Jin,” he says, giving you a wink and you immediately feel heat rise to your cheeks as you smile. And then it dawns on you.

The drop of his name finally sparks recognition in you. Now you know why these three men look so familiar. You see their names and faces all over tabloids and socialite centric internet articles. Kim Seokjin and two partners in crime. The notorious, rich playboys of Seoul. Not necessarily bad news, but bad enough for you to mark him as off limits. He is definitely someone you shouldn’t be associated with. It’s too bad. He looks absolutely delicious. But like you said earlier, it’s just one night. One night couldn’t hurt much, right? 

“Nice to meet you guys. It’s a nice club you have here.” You look towards Yoongi and lift your drink in the air towards him. A little toast before you take a sip, leaning back into your seat.

“Thank you.” he says, nodding his head in appreciation. “So what brings you guys out tonight? I thought you two would be in the middle of a world tour.” Yoongi points between Tae and Jimin before drinking from his own beer.

“Yeah, we almost didn’t believe it was you guys when we heard it,” Namjoon said with a slight chuckle.

Jimin laughs before responding, his eyes turning into crescent shapes as he smiles. “I had to come back for a family matter. We’re in a break between shows right now anyways. We’ll head back once we get things settled. Tae came along for support.”

“Just trying to show support to those who need me,” Tae says as he throws his free arm over the back of your chair. You feel him try to subtly place his hand on your shoulder and you shoot him a glare out of the side of your eye. You sit up, leaning forward in your chair away from his arm, trying to cover up your scoff with a sip of your drink, hoping it would go unnoticed. You see Tae rolling his eyes from your peripherals, rolling yours back in response.  Placing your drink on the table, you look up at Jin sitting across from you just in time to see his darkened eyes as he takes in Tae’s arm on your chair. His eyes move to meet yours, the darkened look disappearing. You raise your brow at him curiously. Is he jealous? Over Taehyung? You giggle to yourself at the thought. If only he knew Tae wasn’t a threat. “If only you didn't have bad news written all over you,” you thought to yourself.

“So are you guys just out on a double date?” Jin asks, still looking at you. You involuntarily snort, causing the group to look in your direction. Ashley looks at you with a bemused expression, a little giggle slipping past her lips as she takes a sip of her drink.

“No, this is not a double date,” you say while trying to regain your composure. You continue your ramble, pointing between yourself and Taehyung. “We’re not… No. Definitely not a double date.” 

“Get it together, girl,” you think to yourself, grabbing your drink and downing the rest of it. Maybe you were drunker than you originally thought. Ashley takes the opportunity to take over the conversation, pulling the guys attention towards her and Jimin. You silently thank her as you peek at Taehyung out of the corner of your eye. You notice he has his jaw clenched and tense, probably a reaction from your blatant display of distaste at being considered his. You know you should feel bad, but you don’t. He lost the right to have any sort of claim over you a long time ago. You start to feel the need to escape and go to excuse yourself from the table.

“I’ll be back. I need another drink,” you announce as you stand from your seat. Jin looks at you, slowly rising from his chair.

“Would you like some company?”he asks, his plush lips turning up into a soft smile. You were about to turn him down, only changing your mind when you hear Tae try to interject.

“I’ll go with --” 

“Actually, Jin. I would love your company.” Jin’s smile grows wider. He offers his arm to you as he stands up. You take it, wrapping your hands around his biceps. Enjoying the feeling of how his muscles flex under your touch. 

The two of you walk towards the bar, ignoring Tae as he calls out your name. This wasn’t one of your best decisions, walking away from your friends with someone you literally just met. Especially someone you had just labeled as off limits. Your emotions and the alcohol in your system being the main influencers on the choice. Despite being practically a stranger, you feel safe with Seokjin. You tell yourself not to worry about it. One night making choices on a whim shouldn’t do much damage in hindsight, right? 

Your mind is lost to the beat of the music, focusing only on weaving through the crowd of club goers as you make your way to the bar. With every step, you can feel all the alcohol you’ve had  creeping up on you. You start to feel the tingling sensation in your face and you can’t remember the last time you felt this good. Feeling a little unstable in the stilettos, you cling a little tighter to Jin’s arm, focusing hard on not tripping.

Finally at the bar, Jin waves over the bartender, ordering the two of you a round of shots. You think about turning the shot down, but decide against it. You remind yourself this is the first night in a while that you’ve spent somewhere other than at home. You deserve at least one night to enjoy yourself. While waiting for the shots to be made, you lean your back against the bar and take a look around the club, finally taking the time to admire the layout. The majority of the first level was occupied by a lit up dance floor, the edges around the walls lined with couches and high top tables. The VIP area was located on a lofted 2nd level overlooking the dance floor. It's very packed now, the newness of the venue still not worn off. Your eyes wander back up to the VIP area and you notice Taehyung standing at the railing, staring at you. You fight the urge to roll your eyes at him, instead choosing to turn around and face the bar.

“Let me guess. Ex-boyfriend?” Jin leans up against the bar next to you, giving you a smirk when you turn to look at him.

“What gave it away?” You ask, propping your chin on your hand as you smile back at him.

“Would you believe me if I said I’m good at reading people?” Jin leaned closer to you, plump lips spread into a beautiful smile.

“I would,” you say, turning away from him as the bartender brings the two shots, picking yours up from the bartop. “But why do I get the feeling it’s more to do with knowing from experience?” Jin laughs, grabbing his shot and clinking the glass up against yours. 

“So you’ve heard of me?” He asks before you both down your shots. 

“Who hasn’t heard of the man who coined his own nickname, Mr. Worldwide Handsome?” You lick your lips, savoring the fruity taste of the shot that was still on your tongue. You’re amazed how you couldn’t even taste the alcohol and wouldn’t mind having another. “This was delicious, by the way. Did you come up with it?”

“Good guess, I did. It’s my secret weapon. You want another round?” Jin catches the attention of the bartender again, raising his glass and pointing at it. Already ordering another round before even waiting for your answer.

“Are you trying to get me drunk, Jin? Trying to take advantage of me?” You ask, the alcohol making you feel bold as you lean in close to him. He leans into you, too, moving his hand to push a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“Yes and no. You don’t seem like the type of girl to let that happen.” He lightly caresses the side of your face, fingers lingering on your cheek and you let him.

“Hmm, smart boy,” you say before moving your face away from his hand. The bartender drops off your next round of shots and you both waste no time in downing them. “So, what is your type of girl, Seokjin?”

“Why? Interested in applying?” Jin says to you before turning to signal to the bartender for another round. You answer him when he turns back in your direction.

“Sorry, Jinnie boy. But you’re not my type.” 

“What? Handsome not your type?” He says as the bartender drops off the third round.

“No,” you respond with a smile. “Trouble isn’t my type.” You both grab a shot. You go to drink yours while Jin gives you a smirk.

“Ah, but you do think I’m handsome.”He looks at you with a twinkle in his eye as he downs his shot and you laugh. He’s funny and you like his confidence. It’s a shame you won’t allow yourself to get to know more of his personality. That’s something that would take more than just tonight to learn, and again, he is not someone you need to be associated with. But damn, do you think he looks handsome. He’s absolutely gorgeous.

Jin places the shot glass on the bar top and leans in close to you. You feel a tingling sensation go through your body and convince yourself it's from the alcohol and not his close proximity. Jin gives you a quick look up and down, and you know he is completely aware of the effect he has on you. “You know,” he says leaning in even closer. “You’re spending a lot of time with a guy who isn’t your type.”

“What? A girl’s not allowed to have herself a little fun?” You bat your lashes at him, leaning in towards him, closing the little distance between you two. Your lips are inches apart, close enough for you to feel the warmth of his breath. You smell the fruitiness of shots on his breath and take a quick glance down to his lips, wondering which of you will break and close the gap first. Another few seconds of the stand off passes before you decide you were going to make the first move, only to be interrupted when you hear someone call your name. You and Jin pull away from each other and turn to see Ashley walk up with Jimin close behind her.

“Y/N! There you are! You left your phone up at the table. I’ve been trying to text you.” Ashley hands your little black clutch, fully prepared to lecture you for disappearing when she turns to look at JIn. Jin gives her a smile before she turns back to you. “Oh,” she says and gives you a knowing smile.

“Sorry, Ash. I didn’t mean to be gone this long. Jin and I were just enjoying ourselves,” you say as you pull out your phone, checking the notifications before putting it back into your purse. 

“Oh, I’m sure,” she teases. “Anyways, Taehyung already left and Jimin and I are heading out ourselves. Are you ready to go?” 

You instinctively move to follow Ashley, stopping yourself midstep. “Actually.” You look at Jin who is staring at you before looking back at Ashley. “I think I’m going to stay a little longer.” You look back at Jin who gives you a wide smile.

Ashley looks between you and Jin, smiling again when she leans in to give you a hug. “Text me when you get home, okay? And Seokjin...” Ashley steps back from you and turns to the tall man. “Take care of her. If anything happens to her, I know where to find you.” 

Jimin waves goodbye to you as he and Ashley turn and leave. Jin waves back before leaning towards you. “Should I be scared of her?” He asks with a laugh.

“Yes, you should be,” you say with a giggle. Feeling the alcohol course through your body, you start to move to the beat of the music. With a surge of confidence, you grab Jin’s hand and start pulling him onto the dance floor. “Now come on. I want to dance.” 

You lose track of time out on the dance floor, getting lost in the music and enjoying the feeling of Jin’s body pressed up against yours. Ever so often, he let his hands wander up and down your body. You intercept his hand each time before they are able to discover an intimate part of your body, giggling and laughing each time you feel his pout against your neck. After a few songs of grinding up against each other, Jin decides to put on a show for you, granting you multiple displays of what he calls his ‘signature dance moves.’ One move in particular sends you doubling over in laughter, the way Jin stands with his feet shoulder-width apart, head thrown back while he wiggles his arms shamelessly from side to side. After exhausting all his talent, Jin pulls you back up into the VIP area asking to take a breather, his dark hair sticking to his forehead from sweat. You agree with him, your own legs starting to feel sore from trying to dance in heels. He sits you down in one of the booths before walking over to grab two bottles of complementary water from an ice bucket against the back wall, stopping for a quick chat with Namjoon along the way. 

You watch him, eyes trailing up and down his long body. Admiring the way his ripped jeans clung to his legs, sweat glistening on the exposed areas of his thigh. He opens one of the water bottles and takes a drink. You’re mesmerized by the bob of his Adam’s apple, wanting nothing more than to walk over and suck love marks along the surface area of his neck. You lightly shake your head, pulling yourself back to reality as you reach into your clutch for your phone, looking for a distraction. Clicking your screen on, your eyes widen when you look at the time. 2:03 AM. Fuck. You need to be up for work in a little over 5 hours. The small bout of panic sobers you just a little and you silently scold yourself for not playing more attention to how late it was getting. You look back up at where Jin stood talking to Namjoon, making brief eye contact with him. He gives you a quick wink before turning back to Namjoon, continuing on with whatever he was saying. You smile from the cuteness of the wink, feeling giddy from the action only for it to be quickly replaced by a small wave of sadness that washes over you. 

You really enjoyed yourself tonight. You couldn’t tell what brought on the sadness; the fact that your night of fun was coming to an end or the fact that, if you could help it, won’t ever see Seokjin again. You decide for it to be the former. It’s safer this way. You enjoyed your night with Jin and you completely understand why girls would still flock to him, regardless of his playboy reputation. If only you had the luxury of being one of those girls, you would throw caution aside and allow yourself to enjoy all that is Seokjin. To hell with whatever gossip or rumors would manifest about you. Unfortunately, you’re not one of those girls and you’ve been lucky enough already to make it through the night without anyone recognizing you. You let out a soft sigh, knowing the time has come for you to return back to reality. 

Placing your phone back in your clutch, you stand from your seat and walk towards Jin. You place your hand on his shoulder, pulling his attention to you. He turns back to Namjoon, letting him know he’ll catch up with him later before the taller boy walks over to the railing of the VIP area, joining Yoongi in watching the club goers down below.

Jin turns back to you, smiling as he moves you closer to the wall. “Sorry, I kept you waiting. Namjoon doesn’t know when to shut up sometimes. Did you start to miss me?”

He  hands you an unopened bottled water before bracing his hand on the wall behind you. You give him a soft smile as a thank you as you lean back against the wall. The beautiful smile on his face makes it hard for you to form words. Why did he have to be so goddamn gorgeous?

“It’s time for me to go home, Jin.” You cross your arms across your chest and tilt your head back to look up at his face. 

Jin nods his head before responding. “And so you came over here to invite me over? I accept.” He gives you another heart stopping smile as a light laugh escapes your lips.

“I came to tell you bye. This is where we part ways. It was nice meeting you, Seokjin.” You go to push off the wall to leave, stopping yourself as Jin goes to talk.

“Now why does that feel more like a ‘Goodbye’ than a ‘See you later’? Running off at midnight like Cinderella. Do you not want to see me again? I thought we were having a good time,” he turns his lips into a pout, but you can tell by his tone he was being playful.

“Running off at 2AM, actually. And It was a good time. But as I said before, you’re trouble. And I stay away from trouble. It’s best if we just end things here.” You try to stand tall, putting as much authority in your tone of voice as you can manage to let him know you’re serious. Jin leans in close to you. You inhale deeply trying to maintain your composure despite his close proximity, catching a light trace of whatever cologne he was wearing. It smelt woodsy and delicious and you were trying to figure out how you didn’t notice it before. 

His lip brushing against your earlobe sending shivers down your spine. “I can be a good boy,” he whispers to you and you smile, rolling your eyes as he pulls back just enough to look at you.

“I highly doubt that,” you tease him.

“How about this.” Jin reaches into his pocket with his free hand, pulling something out. He holds up his hand in the small gap between the two of you and you focus on the shiny round object before looking back at him. Your eyebrows furrow in curiosity. “We’ll flip a coin.”

You throw your head back and laugh. “Flip a coin? Really?” you said raising an eyebrow at him. His tongue sneaks out to wet his pillow lips before spreading them into a wide smile. You can still smell a hint of the fruity shots from earlier on his breath as he speaks.

“We flip a coin. Heads, you come home with me. Tails… Well, at least give me your number.” Jin chuckles after the last condition.

“What makes you think I’ll play along with your little game?” you ask before licking your lips, catching your tongue between your teeth as you look up at him.

“Live a little, princess. Take a walk on the wild side with me.” Jin flicks his eyes down to your tongue before looking back at you. His eyes looking darker even in the dimness of the club’s VIP area. “You ready? Call it in the air.”

You watch as he balances the coin on top of his thumb and index finger. He flicks his thumb up, sending the coin flipping in the air. You watch the coin, wondering what fate it would decide for you, already thinking up an excuse to get out of either. You see Jin move his hand out of the corner of your eye, thinking he’s going to grab the coin.  Instead, he catches you by surprise, grabbing your chin and lightly turning your face towards him, his lips crashing down on yours as the forgotten coin crashes down to the ground, rolling away out of sight.

Your mind goes blank at the sudden action, your lips on autopilot as they move in tandem with his. You feel butterflies in your stomach as you melt into the softness of his lips. You can tell that he’s holding back, probably expecting you to push him off at any moment. Your hands move to his chest, half a mind to stop things before they go too far. The small guttural moan that comes from his throat ignites a fire in your bones, awakening a desire in you. A desire that can only be satiated by one Kim Seokjin. Your hands move further up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer to you as your fingers knit themselves in his hair.

Jin nips at your bottom lip, swiping his tongue across the bitten area, asking for permission to enter. You let him, the loud music of the club now being drowned out by the sound of your heartbeat pulsating in your ears. You nearly forget where you are, what you were trying to do before his lips found yours. The people and the room disappear around you with the only thing existing is Jin, his plump lips, and the delicious way his hands roam up and down your body. You allow his hands to roam freely this time, no intention in stopping his endeavors as you lose yourself in his touch. It wasn’t until the sound of Yoongi yelling at the two of you to get a room that you were pulled back into reality. Jin pulls back away from you just slightly, the both of you smiling as you try to catch your breath. 

“Well,” Jin says as he pushed a fallen strand of your hair back behind your ear. “What’s the verdict?”

You know you should go home. Leave him here without so much as your number as you return back to your uneventful life. But you can’t stop thinking about the way his lips feel on yours. How badly you want him and how that want extends for more than just tonight. It’s a bad idea. He’s a bad idea and no matter how many times you’ve told yourself that tonight, the one thing that you’ve said to yourself more rings louder in your head. It’s just one night, what’s the worst that can happen? 

You grab the collar of Jin’s shirt, bringing him in for another kiss. You pull away after one, smiling at the way he chases your lips, wanting more. “I’ll tell you my answer..” you pause, grabbing his hand in yours, pulling him away from the wall. “After you buy me another drink.”

[justjeonday]

Let Me Know | jeon jeongguk

In which you and Jeongguk have broken up, but he can’t bring himself to move on. He keeps it all hidden beneath a forced smile, only crying when he’s alone, ridding himself of thoughts by practicing for hours on end, but a man can only take so much pain until it all becomes too much.

“Love blooms like cherry blossoms but burns and becomes ashes.”

- 𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖌; let me know - BTS

- 𝖕𝖆𝖎𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌; jeon jeongguk x reader

- 𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙; 5,4K

- 𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌; PG-13 

- 𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖗𝖊; angst, break up, idol AU

- 𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘; self inflicted torture to numb the feeling of heartbreak?? (gguk intentionally makes himself gasp for air), exhaustion, very brief mention of not eating, mild depression, pining, gguk has a broken heart :( 

- 𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖘; wow...I had so much fun writing this, and it also made my heart ache. This is inspired by the lyrics of the song, and I definitely have a new appreciation for it after writing this fic - the lyrics are absolutely beautiful, as always when it comes to bts’ music. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it! feedback is always appreciated <3

this is a part of the bulletproof bingo event created by @ficswithluv​! I’m very grateful for this opportunity, I think it’ll help me improve my writing a lot! thank you to all admins for your hard work!

and of course, a big thanks to Zoe for helping me finish this and beta-reading it! I don’t know what I’d do without you <333

 Jeongguk awakes, eyes closing tightly at the sun hitting his face as he reaches an arm out to hug your waist and pull your warmth against him - but it falls with a thump on top of the mattress.

You're not there.

He opens his eyes to see your side unoccupied, the bed feeling cold and empty without you next to him. It hits him just as hard as the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that day.

You're not his anymore.

Jeongguk's heart breaks a little more as he reaches over to grab the pillow and hug it close against his chest, the smell of your shampoo still lingering, albeit faint, on the soft cotton. It reminds him of the mornings you spent together. The way you'd both lay in bed for an extra hour just holding and breathing each other in before lazily getting up to make breakfast. You love Sundays, and he has come to love them too. However, with you gone, they feel more dull than ever.

Tears sting in his eyes despite the warm feeling the memories with you bring, knowing he'll never experience that again - that you'll be nothing but a memory in his mind.

It still doesn't feel real. He has now spent two months in a cold bed, still sleeping on the left side of it and waking up expecting you to be right there next to him. Two months since the two of you were no more, two months since you broke his heart.

The moment feels blurry, like it had been a dream - a painful scenario created in his head.

Jeongguk presses the combination of numbers on your lock, expecting you to be laying on the couch reading just like you enjoy doing on Thursday nights like these while you wait for him to arrive. However, as he steps in, you're nowhere to be seen, and the TV isn't on like it usually is considering you don't like the silence when you're alone.

His eyes scan the apartment as he closes the door behind him, the clicking of the lock sounding through the space as it returns into its frame. After kicking his boots off and shrugging off his jacket, he walks further to look for you. His first thought is that you've already gone to bed, but it fades as he sees you on the balcony with your back facing him as you look out over the city.

The sight of you, his love, makes his heart flutter. He walks up to the glass door, sliding it open slowly not to startle you - but even that makes you jump slightly, causing you to turn quickly to find the source of unexpected noise.

"Hi," Jeongguk smiles.

You sigh. "Hey."

"You okay?"

"Uh..." you start, not really sure how to continue as you turn back to watch the city lights. "Yeah, I'm fine."

You're not fine.

Instantly he knows something's up, worry blooming in his chest as he walks up to stand next to you.

"What's wrong?" he asks, eyebrows furrowed. "Talk to me."

You breathe out, letting your head fall back as you try to keep it together. You'd been feeling like this all day, constantly finding yourself having to fight back the tears. You knew this moment was bound to happen sooner or later, but still, you dreaded it.

"We..." you stop, swallowing to keep your voice from breaking as you continue on. "We should take some time apart from each other." You say, eyes still not meeting his.

Jeongguk feels as if his heart stops, his breath getting caught in his throat. "Wh-What?" He stutters, searching for your gaze as you look down at your hands hanging over the railing.

The whole situation feels unexpected to him. He thought everything between you two was fine. Did he do something wrong? 

He feels panic arising, quickly replacing the worry that found home inside his ribcage.

"I need to find myself," you speak, now gaining the courage to look into his eyes. "And you need to find you, and figure out who you are."

His beautiful eyes. Big brown eyes with countless amounts of stars sparkling in them, those eyes you've gotten lost in over and over ever since the two of you met years ago. Those soft eyes, and the wrinkles that form around them when he smiles - nose scrunching in happiness.

Your heart aches as you look into them, feeling tears sting in your eyes. You didn't want to do this. The last thing you'd ever want to do is hurt Jeongguk. Your sweet Jeongguk, your bunny, your happiness and your warmth. Your everything.

This has been the hardest decision you've ever had to make, but you know it'll be better this way.

You can’t help but feel like the two of you rely on each other too much for happiness and well-being, whenever there's a problem or when something is weighing you down - you always search for a solution in the other. You're grateful to have him, someone you can go to and feel better - you really are. But you found yourself wandering off inside your mind one day while waiting for him to return from work, wondering what life would be like without Jeongguk. He's been your light ever since the two of you met, the morning that dawned after a night that seemed to be endless.

You realised right then and there that, without him, you'd be nothing - everything would be dull. And as your mind wandered even further, questions started popping up in your head.

Do you love yourself? Yes, because Jeongguk has taught you to. Are you happy? Yes you are, because you have Jeongguk.

Are you really happy with your life? Do you wanna stay like this forever?

With Jeongguk? Yes, you want to stay with him forever. With life? No, you want to be genuinely happy, and you want to be independent in that - and be able to say that you've found true happiness, because and for you, not anyone or anything else.

You'd asked Jeongguk that same day; are you happy? Do you love yourself?

"Yes, because of you."  He had replied, an unintentional reflection of your own answers.

His response should've made you happy, it should've made your heart flutter - but because of your concerns, you simply couldn't feel that way.

"What do you mean?" Jeongguk asks, voice weak as he hears his heart beat in his ears. "What's wrong?"

It pains you to do this. Like nothing else ever has.

"We're too dependent on each other," you explain. "We need to find happiness on our own, we need to learn how to love ourselves - on our own."

'On our own.'

At that moment, when those words left your mouth - that's when the ground beneath him shattered. That's when his world fell apart. When the stars shining above faded and the sun in his sky disappeared - leaving him lonely with a single grey cloud, and a world that became sombre.

What went wrong? What did he do that made you leave? Could he have done something to prevent it?

As Jeongguk recalls the moment, he feels a weight push down on his chest as he lays on his back, making his breathing heavy. Tears are now welling up in his eyes, running down the sides of his face and making his pillow wet. His hands come up to run over his face as he closes his eyes, biting down hard on his bottom lip to keep himself from sobbing too loudly. If he gives into the pain, he knows it'll be too hard to swim back up to the surface again - too difficult to put his mask back on and start the day off like nothing's wrong.

He’s been keeping it inside since it all happened, only crying and letting it get to him when no one's around. He doesn’t want to worry anyone, since he’s well aware they have their own burdens to deal with - not wanting to put any extra weight on anyone’s shoulders.

Jeongguk sucks in an erratic breath before getting out of bed, his body heavy as he walks over to throw yesterday’s clothes on before wiping his tears with the back of his hand and leaving his room as quietly as possible, wanting to avoid conversation with anybody. He manages to leave the dorm unnoticed, thankful the members are deep in sleep because of the late celebration that was held last night after their recent release of the new album. He wishes he could enjoy it, he really does - but without you everything feels meaningless, empty.

Twenty minutes later, he arrives at the bighit building, bowing politely to everyone he passes on his way to the practice room despite the sorrow weighing him down - making it difficult to pick his head back up again.

He’s able to breathe out as he enters the studio, a quiet void surrounding him as he leans back against the door. He feels relaxed here, only thanks to the fact it's his escape - his way of numbing the pain, even if it's just temporary.

He's been coming here every day since the two of you broke up. Tour is slowly but surely approaching, and there are several new choreographies to learn. Jeongguk and the rest of the members had been practicing them for a few months now, and even though Jeongguk knows every single move like the back of his hand - he still comes here everyday to perfect and improve them. He wants everything to be perfect on stage, a single mistake making him doubt himself for the rest of the concert.

You know this very well, how hard he is on himself. You were the one who could make him feel better about himself, reassuring him that everything was fine even though he might've messed that one move up. What would he do now that you were gone?

However, practicing has gotten another purpose now, to simply act as a distraction for him - to get you out of his mind as he moved along with the beat. To get to that point where the oxygen burned in his throat, his chest falling up and down quickly as he tried to catch his breath while laying flat on the floor.

And that's exactly how he finds himself many hours later, shirt damp with sweat and sticking to his chest as he falls down onto the floor, his legs weak. He almost gasps for air as he looks up at the ceiling, loud music still playing through the speakers. Even though the room is completely empty, it almost feels crowded, like the air is pushing in on him, like it's suffocating him.

It feels terrible, but he finds himself relishing in the self-inflicted torture. It almost works as an antidote, ridding his mind of you - and during those few seconds, he feels free, and his body feels weightless.

But then it fades and small pieces of thoughts and memories slowly re-enter his mind as he catches his breath, the weight of sorrow gradually pushing down harder and harder over his ribcage once again.

Usually, after a tough session like this, he'd drive back to your place and spend the rest of the night with you - hours filled with cuddling and sweet kisses as the two of you find comfort in simply being close to each other. He misses it. It feels empty without you, and his days feel excruciatingly long.

Being close to you, admiring you - he won't get to do it anymore.

He wonders if you miss him too, if you're hurting too. Are you thinking of him right now? Are you longing to hold him, just like he’s longing to hold you? He saw the look on your face when you told him you wanted to break up, he saw that you too found it hurtful. But why would you do it if you didn't want to? He can't really grasp the reason why. Couldn't you find happiness together? Wasn't it enough? 

Wasn't he enough?

Jeongguk closes his eyes, trying to paint a picture of your face in front of him but the image in his mind is far from vivid. He can still remember everything, your beautiful eyes, your soft lips and how they felt against his own, your hand gestures you use so often as you speak, every single detail is still there, but the image is faint. He wants to reach out and run his thumb over your cheek bone, he wants to touch you - but he can't as you're slowly fading. It's torture, because even though your face might become more dim as the time without you increases, he's certain he'll always remember you and always compare you with everyone else. Compare the pink of your lips to others, compare how your eyes sparkle as you smile to others dull ones.

You'll always be it for him. You'll always have his heart.

Click.

The sound of the door opening brings Jeongguk back to the practice room despite the loud music already playing, his head turning to see Jimin walk in.

"Oh Jeongguk-ssi, I didn't know you were here!" Jimin says, smiling.

Jeongguk gets up from the floor, not really in the mood to chat or make small talk. He walks over and turns the music off, only now realising it’s dark out.

Jimin furrows his eyebrows in concern, slowly walking up behind Jeongguk. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine," Jeongguk replies, voice cold - more than he intends for it to be.

Jimin can tell something's up, and he's well aware that the two of you broke up - but for what reason, he has no idea. Jeongguk is usually really happy to see Jimin, always teasing and joking around with him - exclaiming 'Jimin-ssi' every time he enters the room. But ever since you two broke up, there's been this heavy energy around him pushing him down. He hasn't been eating as much as he usually does, and Jimin has never known someone who loves food as much as Jeongguk does -  so seeing it naturally causes him concern. Jimin notices it all, he notices the way Jeongguk tries to hide it, but that's just how he is, he doesn't wanna trouble anyone else with whatever feelings he might have.

It's not the best trait of his. Eventually, it'll all become too much for him to handle on his own. Jimin dreads that moment has come.

"Jeongguk-" Jimin starts, but he's quickly interrupted.

"I'm fine!" Jeongguk says, his voice loud this time as the words echo through the silent room. "I'm fine," he repeats, now quieter as if he's trying to convince himself.

But he can't. He's not fine, and he knows it. He can feel his body getting weaker by the second, wanting nothing but to fall down and lay on the floor again - but at the same time, he feels like dancing more, he wants to move until he feels that burn in his throat again. The burn that numbs the pain of being without you, the heaving of his chest that forces him to focus on breathing instead of the bitterness your absence brings.

"Jeongguk," Jimin tries again, conscientiously deciding to continue when there's no reply. "I know you're struggling, but keeping it all in won't make it any better."

Jeongguk only listens, still standing with his back facing the older.

"You should talk to someone about it, anyone - just get it all out."

"I can't," Jeongguk mumbles, feeling as if someone is squeezing his heart with all their might.

Thinking about it over and over is one thing, but having to talk about it out loud would ruin him - it'd hurt even more. He'd have to accept it. Accept that you're no longer with him, that he won't get to kiss and hold you close again.

"Gguk," Jimin says, placing his hands on Jeongguk's shoulders.

The name sounds foreign as Jimin says it.

Gguk. That's what you always called him, except for when you were annoyed at him - only then voicing his full name. The memory makes Jeongguk want to smile and break down all at the same time.

It's too quiet, he's too still - and he feels the pain slowly seep back into his heart. "I can't," he repeats, but in a whisper.

"Why?"

Jimin makes Jeongguk turn to face him, only now seeing his glossy, tired eyes. How his lips quiver and how his skin seems unusually pale.

There’s so much pain, too much for him to handle.

"It hurts, hyung," Jeongguk sobs as everything he's been keeping inside bursts, his head falling to land on Jimin's shoulder. "It hurts so bad."

Jimin embraces him, a bothersome feeling appearing in his stomach at the sight of Jeongguk this way. His dear Jeongguk, having his heart broken for the first time.

You were his first love. You changed his life, and Jeongguk thought he had reached the peak of fortune even before you came along, but it turned out he hadn't. You quickly became someone he valued, that someone he had dreamt of - that someone he could give all his love to. But you're not next to him anymore. You're not laying next to him in the morning to accept his lazy kisses. There's no one next to him running their fingers over his back, connecting his birthmarks with light touches of a finger - creating constellations over his skin.

He thought he'd have you forever. Trying to imagine his life without you, it just came up as nothingness in his head - blank and pointless.

Jeongguk doesn't want to admit to himself it's over. If he tries hard enough, he's sure he could pretend this was just another day, finishing up at work to go home to you and hold you in his arms. But that wouldn't be fair to you, and not to himself either. Deep down he knows it, he knows it's over - that the two of you are no more. But he feels as if he's stuck at the end of a finished sentence, just before the punctuation mark. He wants to jump over it, but he can't bring himself to take that leap, that leap to move on from you and what the two of you had.

He's heard many times, in books and movies the two of you have watched together, that first love is something you'll always remember. So surely, there's no hope for him. He won't be able to move on from you no matter how hard he may try to.

He's certain he'll never find a love like that again. He's certain he won't find someone like you, who could make him as happy as you did.

Jimin softly runs his hand over Jeongguk's hair, thinking of what words to say next that could make him feel better. But his thoughts are halted when Jeongguk slowly pulls away from him, his breath irregular as he grabs his phone on the desk behind him before he starts walking towards the door.

"Jeongguk, where are you going?" Jimin asks, worry evident in his voice.

"I need to see her."

Jimin instantly starts walking after him. "You shouldn't."

"I have to see her," Jeongguk says, now exiting the practice room.

"I really don't think it's a good idea, Jeongguk," Jimin warns, having to jog after him to keep up.

Jeongguk only keeps walking, hastily passing staff in the corridor - not bothering to bow or greet anyone this time.

"Jeongguk, stop. You're not thinking straight."

He turns as Jimin grabs hold of his bicep tightly, keeping him from getting further.

"Let go."

He doesn't, his hand only tightening as his fingers dig into the skin.

"Let-"

"What are you gonna do? Huh?" Jimin asks, voice stern as he looks into the younger's eyes. "It's over, Jeongguk. You can't just go over there and see her, you don't have the right to anymore. It'll only make everything worse for the both of you. Seeing her will only make things harder than what they already are."

Jimin's words only cut deeper into his wounds and even more tears start falling from his eyes, creating wet paths down his pale skin. He groans out loud as the pain takes over once again, hands coming up to tug at his hair as he shuts his eyes tightly - trying his best to cope with the seemingly endless suffering.

"I just need her to let me know," he chokes, eyes opening to meet Jimin's.

"Let you know what?"

"That it'll all be fine, that I'll be fine," Jeongguk sobs. "I need her to let me know it's over."

"It's already over Jeongguk, don't you know?" Jimin says, concerned as his eyebrows furrow.

"It's all so blurry in my head I can’t remember anything clearly," he says through erratic breaths. "I need her to tell me it's all over, so I can move on. It hurts too much, I can't stay like this - I need to find peace."

"I'm not sure if it's-"

"Hyung," Jeongguk interferes with a desperate look in his now red and puffy eyes, taking a firm hold of Jimin's shoulders. "Please, I can't take it anymore."

Jimin sighs, his head in conflict with his heart. But after a few seconds, his grip on Jeongguk's arm loosens hesitantly.

After a last glance at Jimin, Jeongguk turns to continue towards his car - hurrying off to see you.

For the last time.

You're sitting at your kitchen table with your laptop in front of you, head resting in your palm as you try to come up with the right words for your essay. You've been sitting here since 10 PM, for almost an hour now, yet your document remains empty. It's almost funny how much it resembles your life at the moment.

Empty.

He's gone.

Jeongguk. Jeongguk. Jeongguk.

It’s all you've been able to think about.

You push the thoughts of him to the back of your mind for probably the eleventh time these past thirty minutes. You let out a frustrated sigh, sitting up straight in your chair as you feel your back ache.

You would've opted for the couch, but that would only bring you more burden. His scent still lingers on the fabric, the memories of him in your arms planting light kisses over your face all too fresh in your mind for you to face.

Two months, and still, you couldn't sit on your own couch. Pathetic.

You're weak. 

You've done this to yourself. Everything about your relationship with Jeongguk was fine, but it felt wrong to rely on each other that much. You were raised to be independent, raised by your parents to be strong and stand up for yourself, to do what's right.

You longed to be with him again, to feel his skin under your fingertips - to feel his lips against yours and his hot breath against your skin as his face finds home in the crook of your neck as you hold each other close. But the timing wasn't right.

You want to be able to say you truly love yourself, that you're content with the person you are and that you're genuinely happy - without the influence of anyone or anything else.

Maybe fate will bring the two of you back together in the future, when all is right. You hope it will. Oh, how you hope it will.

You knew how big of a risk you took while making that decision, that it could ruin everything good you had together. But you felt it was the right thing to do, not only for your own sake, but for his as well. The both of you need to find yourselves, before you search for someone else. Perhaps Jeongguk even more than you, since he didn't have as much time as you for self-searching before you found each other, the reason being how early in his life he started to work.

Ten more minutes gone, and your document remains blank.

You need to stop thinking about it. You need to stop thinking about him.

You run your fingers through your hair before putting your focus on the display in front of you. A sudden inspiration hits you and you exhale in relief as your fingers start pressing the lettered keys.

But a sudden sequence of knocks against your front door interrupts you.

You close your eyes, pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance.

The universe really doesn't want it to work out for you, does it?

You get up from your seat nonetheless, walking over and unlocking the door before pulling it open. The person standing in front of you almost makes you choke on air, taking a step back in surprise.

Jeongguk.

You simply stand in front of each other, the rest of the world fading as silence surrounds you. It's only the two of you now, eyes meeting for the first time ever since that night when you last saw each other.

You notice he's been crying, his eyes glossy and swollen. It makes your heart ache.

You caused this. This is all your fault. It’s your fault he’s hurting.

Your vision becomes blurry as tears collect in the corners of your eyes, threatening to fall. But you don't let them, blinking them away and swallowing the sobs back down.

"What are you doing here?" You ask, your voice weak even though you try your best to sound okay.

Who are you trying to fool? You're not okay.

You haven't been ever since that night on the balcony. It takes all of your willpower not to throw your arms around him, apologize and let him know it’ll all be okay.

Jeongguk's bottom lip starts quivering again at the sight of you. You’re right in front of him, but he can’t touch you - he can’t embrace you even though that’s all he wants in this world.

"I miss you," he utters with a broken voice.

You don't know what to respond with, but your mind wanders to a place where it shouldn't be - making unwanted words linger on the tip of your tongue.

I miss you too. Please come back.

You can't say that. It goes against everything that's happened.

Jeongguk turns as he hears the sound of keys rattling, knowing very well it's the building inspector that comes every eveing close to midnight to make sure it's peacefu. It's the sound you'd faintly hear outside the door when you had movie marathons, or when you just laid on your couch talking until the AM.

Jeongguk, to show respect and reassure that everything's fine, turns to bow to the man as he walks past - but as he does he's ridden of all strength, and it causes him to stumble forward and fall to his knees on the floor.

Out of habit to care and make sure he's okay, you gasp as you rush up to him and get down to sit on your knees in front of him - grabbing a hold of his shoulders to support him as his head hangs with exhaustion.

You’ve seen this before. This is how he gets when he overworks himself, when he neglects sleep or food because of work. It pains you to see him so weak he can’t even stand up.

All you want is for him to be okay, to be healthy and happy.

"Jeongguk," you say, voice laced with concern. "Hey, look at me."

His eyes flutter closed as you cup his face to hold his head up, and you feel him lean into your touch.

"What are you doing?" You ask, shaking lightly to get his attention.

He only lets out a weak groan in response, falling into your embrace and letting his forehead rest against your collarbone. You’re sitting in the middle of the hallway with a weak man in front of you, completely helpless with no one to call out to for help.

You look around to see that the inspector is long gone, probably in the elevator already on his way to inspect the last few floors.

Shit.

"Jeongguk?" you say to gain his heed again, letting him lean on you still.

"Mm?" he mumbles, voice rough.

"Are you not taking care of yourself?" You ask, guilt and sorrow creating a knot in the pit of your stomach.

You hear him as he starts to sob, tears running down and dripping off his nose - falling onto the fabric of your shirt, causing it to become damp. "I miss you so much."

"I know Jeongguk, I know," you hush, fingers running through the hair at the nape of his neck.

“I love you so much it hurts, all I want is to be with you.” He cries. “Why did you let me go?”

Your heart squeezes tightly at his words, tears once again welling up in your eyes. You can’t help but let them fall this time, but you wipe them away quickly. You need to stay strong for him, and for yourself. If you let yourself fall down that hole, you won’t be able to trust yourself - th hurt could make you do something you regret.

You could take it all back and go back to the way you were before, but you know it's wrong. You can't play with his feelings like that. You need to stay true to your words and find yourself before giving your relationship with him another chance.

No matter how much it hurts to see him like this, and how much it hurts to be away from him - you need to stick with what you've said.

He gathers the strength to pick his head up and look at you, his face dangerously close to yours. Only a few centimeters and you could feel those pink, soft lips against yours again.

"Do you miss me, too?" He whispers, tears still running down the curves of his cheek.

You look away to avoid his gaze, his sad eyes, the stars in them faded - it hurts too much to see them that way. You find yourself caressing his cheekbone with the pad of your thumb, wiping the wet paths away. "Of course I miss you, Gguk. But we can't let it change anything, not right now."

"When?"

"When you've found yourself, and when I've found me - when we've figured out who we are as people, who we are without each other. Maybe we can try again then, if fate is on our side."

"Really?" He sniffles, breathing now a bit more steady as he sits up straighter.

You look into his eyes again as you let your hands fall from his face.

"Only on one condition," you say.

He looks at you with tired, but hopeful eyes. "Anything."

"I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to eat and rest well, and please don’t overwork yourself. Be focused on yourself, and on your own goals - and I don't want any of it to be influenced by me. And if you find someone who makes your heart flutter-" you pause, noticing how he opens his mouth to oppose you.

He wants to tell you he won't find anyone else, that he'll wait for you until the both of you are ready. But you speak again before he gets the chance to.

Besides, he shouldn't. If that's what you want, then he'll accept it if he finds someone special.

But no one will compare to you.

"- then I want you to explore that and see what it could turn into - maybe they’ll be your soulmate.” You smile at him. “I want you to have fun with your friends and spend time with your family. If you can do that for me, maybe we'll start over and try again in the future when we know who we are."

Jeongguk feels the weight finally lift off his shoulders and how his heart starts beating more easily at your words. Still sitting on the floor outside your apartment, he looks at you - and it doesn't hurt as much.

He feels free.

Everything is going to be okay.

He’ll still miss you, still miss waking up to you, kissing you, hugging you - but he can live with that. You’ll always be in his heart, and he’ll always be in yours.

You have each other.

"Promise me?" He says, holding his pinky out.

You look down, unable to hold back the small smile spreading on your lips.

You hook your pinky with his, looking into his eyes once again - seeing a spark of hope shining in them.

"I promise."

[ayuuria]

Yashahime Translation: Animedia January 2021 Issue

Please do not repost this translation without my consent! This includes screenshots of any type and amount. If you wish to share this translation, simply link to this post.

For more information regarding the use of my translations, click here.

I do apologize if some of the translations feel awkward. This one was slightly technical so I had to do some research on the side.

Animedia Education Lecture

You think you know but you surprisingly don’t

Working in Anime

— ­Editing Edition –

A corner where we delve into the work of anime production. This time, we ask Nii Kazuhiro of (share) IMAGICA Lab., who handles the editing for “Hanyō no Yashahime”, about editing!

The job of “editing” is vital not just in anime but also in live movies and tv dramas. People who like films may be able to vaguely imagine the burden of having the big role of organizing the scenes. However, exactly what sort of work do they do in anime production? This time, Mr. Nii Kazuhiro of (share) IMAGICA Lab., who oversees the editing of the action packed “Hanyō no Yashahime”, makes an appearance! We had him discuss editing and the special work process unique to “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

Tell us Nii-san! Let’s learn about “Editing”

Q: What kind of job is “Editing”?

It is a job that manages the flow of the whole film by connecting scenes or shots together. For example, how well a signature move in battle or sports is executed is dependent upon the tempo adjustment “editing”. Other things like scenes where shots are divided effectively by the placement of songs or music in an important work, will always have an editor’s hand (adjustment) involved. Even if the animation is created to flow exactly like the storyboard, a lot of times the timing of those scenes is fine-tuned with editing. Timing is just as important as properly moving images after all.

Q. During what phase of the anime production do you work?

Typically in anime, shots are edited at a phase where the color and sound have not yet been added and is completed as each phase in the production moves forward. Editing takes place before the audio work. Basically, it occurs twice: before voice recording and dubbing (translator’s note: Dubbing here does not mean voice over! Dubbing is the phase where they mix the voicing, sound effects, and music together to match the images). There are many works where color is added after dubbing has concluded, but in “Hanyō no Yashahime”, in order to allow for dubbing with the color, colored images are used as materials when editing. Since the images are colored, we can confirm the fine details with the director and production supervisor and then make adjustments.

Q. How does one become an “Editor”?

I entered a vocational school focused on film making and learned not just about editing but film making as a whole such as filming and lighting. There wasn’t any convenient editing software at the time, so I joined my current company that does film production thinking “Editing is something that can’t be self-taught so I want to learn on the job”. If you want to pursue editing, then you should watch as many different types of films as you can. You can’t notice things in production like direction and the camera angle of a shot if you don’t have interest in it, so I think it’s best to study it for the sake of knowledge.

Q. What abilities are needed for “Editing”?

Communication skills are an absolute must. Especially in animation which has a lot of detailed work itineraries and staff members creating it. To ensure that there are no mistakes, you must ask the director or production supervisor on anything you are unsure of. Of course, you can’t keep asking questions on every single shot so there are times where you will need to understand past productions and make decisions yourself. However, being able to muster up the courage and ask when necessary is important. You need communication skills for that purpose.

The “Hanyō no Yashahime” Production Site Packed with Fixations

— Please tell us the details on how you came to oversee the editing in “Hanyō no Yashahime”.

I had the opportunity to work with Director Satō (Teruo) on “Aikatsu Stars!” and he reached out to me. Since the story was connected to “Inuyasha”, which was broadcasted when I was a child, I felt a lot of pressure at first. While I was nervous when I heard the that main staff hadn’t changed much from “Inuyasha”, I felt “That’s all the more reason I have to work hard”.

— In regard to the editing work, did Director Satō make any demands?

I touched on this earlier in my response to “what phase we work” where I discussed how the director requested “Please have the images close to completion before the dubbing, where the music and voicing will be decided finalized, takes place. I would like to have editing done just before the dubbing as well.” This is what makes this so different from other works.

For example, in action scenes when the image is unfinished, it’s hard to understand the small movements or context. Hence, it’s difficult to take a “Maybe make the tempo like this” sort of editing approach. In typical animes, there are a lot of times where the final images solidify after the sound is completed. When that happens, there’s not much room to make edits for the most part.

However, in “Hanyō no Yashahime”, the images are mostly done before the dubbing so we can make adjustments with the director while matching the images with the voice actor’s lines. I thought it was a good idea. This is a trait unique to this work.

— Was there an aspect that you yourself focused on when editing this work?

While it’s a work with a lot of serious developments, what I focus on during those scenes is the “the interval between emotions”. In live film works, for thinking scenes, the actor’s “thinking act” is included so there’s an interval. However, in anime, the movement simply stops and there are no lines, so a lot of times you can’t measure the interval. Nevertheless, those serious scenes are important in “Hanyō no Yashahime” so I think it’s important to have “intervals” which is what I’m careful about. On the other hand, there are comical scenes, so I’m careful not to destroy the tempo. In anime, the tempo can change if it’s off by 6 frames*

*1 frame = 24 frames per second

The Feeling of Fun in Doing “Editing” Work

— In anime editing, does the work’s genre make a difference?

It does. Lately in action and sport (animes), materials included are not just from the storyboard but also from 3D CG as well, so we’re careful to make sure the connection between that and normal image (2D) scenes don’t feel out of place. When I first started, I couldn’t get the hang of it and was at a loss. The 3D CG portion is done by a different production team instead of the animation (drawing) team, so during my edits I couldn’t visualize the complete final form and fumbled as I worked.

In terms of idol anime, there’s “Aikatsu Stars!” that I worked with Director Satō on, but I was still a novice then… In work that’s geared towards children, I focused on making the tempo of the conversation scenes as steady as possible. If the tempo is too fast, it will end with everything being breezed through and a child will become unable to follow. I remember being careful of that.

— Are there times where you have to edit multiple episodes at the same time?

I mainly only work on one episode at a time. It’s just that periodically I have to confirm and make adjustments on a line-by-line basis in another episode at the same time.

— What part of “Editing” do you feel makes the jobs worthwhile?

In anime, images and CG shots that have been completed at each phase of the process are gathered individually as materials for editing. Updating those materials into one new episode and getting to see the finished product first is what “Editing” is. I think this is what makes the job of “Editing” fun the most. I get a sense of responsibility that I’m managing not only the shots but the entire work as a whole. Also, because I’ve seen the production process, I feel happy and simply moved like “That’s amazing” when all the phases are completed and the whole anime is finished. This is when I feel worthwhile as an editor. Also, I don’t think there’s much opportunity to take part in the production of the character movement and camera work in live filming, so I think this is what makes editing anime fun.

— After going through all the work, how do you feel when you watch the broadcasting of the finished version?

I end up watching it from different angles but when I watch it as a regular viewer, I become happy nonetheless. Of course, there are times where I personally think “I should’ve done this” at the little things. Now with social media, I know the viewers’ reactions in real time, so when there was a huge response to episode 1 with Inuyasha and the others, that put pressure on me going forward (laughs).

The Charm of “Hanyō no Yashahime” That You Personally Enjoy

— Of all the episodes that have been broadcasted thus far, which episode left the biggest impression on you?

Episode 3 where the three heroines (Towa, Setsuna, and Moroha) came together. I got to watch the (voice) recording for that episode and the battle scene was really cool. Also, I was able to properly draw the first conversation between the three so that left the biggest impression on me in that sense.

Then there’s episode 7. It’s the episode where you return to the scene of the three of them that at the very beginning of episode 1. The composition of back tracking up to episode 1 left an impression on me, so even as I was editing episode 7, I admired how it felt like the mystery was being revealed or rather feeling like “I see. This is where it connects”.

— By the way, who is your favorite character personally?

Moroha. She’s fundamentally an energetic character, her skills in action scenes are cool, and the way she seems to mimic the movements of her father, Inuyasha, is entertaining as well. While she behaves in a manner that makes you wonder if she had a tragic past, she’s a character whose emotions are easy to read so that’s why she’s my favorite.

— Including upcoming highlights, please give a message to our readers.

Going forward there will be more episodes regarding the three heroine’s past which I think is a highlight. As I was editing a future episode, I felt “We’re approaching the true nature of the story”. Please look forward to the cool action scenes and the episode where the three’s past will become clear.

[staywritten]

Over&Over│Seo Changbin│III

Over&Over│ Chapter III

Synopsis: Loving Changbin was either than breathing, but why was it so hard to accept that he can love you just as you love him. Why do you always questions your own self worth. What were you supposed to do when he went on an arranged marriage meeting?

Genre: Non idol au, fluff, angst, hurt comfort, smut

Word Count: 1604

Part I PartII 

Masterlist

Jisung groaned as his phone rang, the one night he actually falls asleep early and Changbin decided to call him. “What man? I’m sleeping- wait what?” he rubbed the sleep from his eyes before crawling out of bed. “You did what?”

And that was how Jisung found himself wandering around town looking for you, it was getting pretty late. Changbin was only worried because you blocked his number and had no way of making sure you were ok. Jisung walked inside your job and walked over to Chaeyoung. “Is she here?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she glared at him. 

“Look Chaeyoung, this isn’t my drama. I’m only a bystander, and yet I had to get out of my bed, run halfway across town just to make sure she’s ok so could you like cut me some slack here?”

“It’s fine” you walked out from the back and sighed. 

“Thank God you’re ok” he pulled out his phone to text Changbin. 

“If you text him, I’ll break your arm.” Jisung raised his hands in retreat. “Fine fine, since you two dragged me in the middle of this can someone at least tell me what’s going on.” he opted taking a seat.

You leaned against the bar top. “How about you tell me what Binnie told you?”

“He just told me he fucked up, and he was worried about you.” 

“That’s it? You got out of bed to look for me all because Binnie said he fucked up?” you raised a brow. 

“Yes and no. I mean he’s my best friend, I’ve gotten out of bed for less. And you’re my friend too, and I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you either.”

You sighed shrinking into yourself. “I’m sorry for snapping at you… I’m just upset…. Binnie doesn’t usually lie to me… He went to an arranged marriage meeting...and he hid it from me...it doesn’t matter that he rejected her. He shouldn’t have it…” 

“I’m sure he didn’t want you to overreact or be sad overthinking it”

“Imagine how I feel now? I It’s so hard acting like everything is ok… Acting like our very obvious class difference isn’t there…” your eyes began to water. “I’m just a bartender… my family has nothing but debt and a farm…” you wiped away the stray tears that fell. “Everyday I wake up next to Changbin it feels like a dream. He’s so perfect and kind and I know this is temporary… it’s only a matter of time before his family makes him marry someone else...or that he realizes I’m nothing… I have nothing… I can give him nothing… That he’s gonna meet someone pretty, smart, more charming...and he’s gonna get bored of me an leave.” you choked back a sob. “That he claims he didn’t tell me about this meeting for my sake because he doesn’t want me to worry…. But I’m always worried…” you covered your face. “I’m always so scared….”

Jisung’s eyes softened as he gently rubbed your shoulder. He called your name so softly, his own eyes watering at just how broken you looked. “How long have you been feeling like this…? Have you ever told Changbin-Hyung?”

You just shook your head, you couldn’t bare to look at Jisung. You couldn’t bare to see the obvious pity you knew he had for you.”

“How could I tell him…”

“Because it’s not just your burden to carry” a familiar voice echoed from the door way. Changbin stood, heaving heavily covered in sweat. 

Your head shot up looking over at him, you quickly tried to cover the fact that you were crying. Shooting Jisung a glare. “You called him?!” 

He shook his head and raised his hands again. “It wasn’t me! I swear.”

“I called him” Chaeyoung leaned against the backroom. “You two have a lot to talk about...And running away isn’t going to help. Rather you fix this, or break up...you need to talk.” she sighed “Jisung, c’mon let’s give them some space for a bit”

“You don’t gotta tell me twice” Jisung hopped up following Chaeyoung out.

“Please don’t run away again…” He took a step closer to you, hesitant and slowly. Almost like he was approaching a wounded animal. His eyes were soft, brows furrowed. “Baby...please…” He took a seat at you across the bar. 

Your eyes were wide, pupils darting to look at everything. You were scared, your anxiety getting the best of you. It didn’t happen often but when it did he was usually the only one who could calm you. “Breathe Baby… deep breath…” he held your hand lacing his fingers with yours. “It’s ok… It’s ok…” he cooed. “You don’t have to put up a strong front for me…” he tried to cover it, but the hurt was so evident in his eyes. His heart broke that you were so easily able to share all your concerns with Jisung. “Do you want me to go first...or should you…?”

“You…” you mumbled, your gaze never leaving his; hands laced between your fingers. 

He took a deep breath. “I love you… more than anything or one in my life… I would do anything to make you happy.” He rubbed your hand with his thumb. “I made a mistake… My sister arranged the meeting because it was more so a business deal than anything else… I knew from the beginning that I would say no, and I fought to not go but...I could have fought harder…” his shoulders slumped. “It’s not Noona’s fault either… She wanted me to tell you… And I was going to but… I just didn’t want to worry you…” he sighed. “I’m so sorry…” 

Your eyes watered as you shook your head. “I’m just… so scared…”

“Don’t be scared… I love you and I’m never going to do anything to make you doubt that.” he tilted your chin to look at him with his free hand. “Baby… I’m going to meet a lot of people in my life… a lot of women. And no one will ever be better than you… I will pick you over and over and over again… Because that what it means to be in a relationship… It’s picking the same person every day of my life.” he smiled softy. “And for as long as you let me, I’ll continue to pick you…” he cupped your cheeks gently, gazing into your eyes with that warmness that always made you feel safe. “Can you forgive me?”

You nodded attempting to choke back your tears. Despite all your insecurities, despite your anxiety he really was your home. “C’mere…” you moved out of his hold to move around the bar, and run into his arms. He pulled you into his chest, bundling you as close as possible. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s ok…” you gripped the front of his t-shirt, your fingers still shaking. Looking up at him he pulled you into a kiss. His lips moving gently against yours as he deepened the kiss. The bitterness of liquor on your lips, and desperation on his tongue. 

You weren’t even sure of how you made it back home. You refused to leave his arms, refused to break the kiss. You needed him.

Stumbling into your apartment, your back hit the mattress as he pinned you under him. His mouth leaving sweet kisses on your skin. His hoarse voice groaning your name over and over like a prayer. 

His whole life he’s never had to want for anything, and he recognized that he’s never had to work too hard for much. But you were the single most priceless thing in his life, and he’d never stop working to prove to you how much you deserved to be happy. 

You gripped his back, nails raking along his skin as he pumped into you. Your legs hooking around his hips, holding him closer to you as you moaned. “B-Binnie please…” your eyes clenched in pleasure. 

He pulled back just slightly to get a good look at you. Your body convulsing from pleasure, lips parted as you begged, body flushed and warm all from him. He brushed your hair out of you face, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. “I love you so much…” he whispered. 

You looked up at him, biting down on your lip as you tried to calm your racing heart. “You’re my whole world…” you threaded your fingers through his hair, brushing them against his scalp. 

He gave you that lazy smirk of his before grabbing something from the side table. He’d been trying to figure out the perfect moment to propose. Big dinners, events, huge moments with your families. It all felt off and he always lost his nerves. But in this moment here. Just the two of you lost in one another. This was the moment he was looking for. He grabbed the ring from the side table. “There’s still so many ways I want to love you… so many things I want to learn about you...And if you’ll have me… I want to spend our whole lives doing it…”

Your eyes widened as you looked at the beautiful diamond ring, words escaped you. Your eyes watered before you nodded pulling him into a kiss. He chuckled kissing you back, showering you with tiny pecks as he pulled away to slip on the ring.  

There wasn’t much that could be done about your anxiety or insecurities. A life time of trauma wasn’t going to be resolved in a single conversation. But he sure as hell was going to work hard to at least reassure you everyday that he loved you.

End.

Mini series complete. I hope you guys enjoyed that and special thanks to @soobinsmile ❤️❤️❤️

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[lifeofresulullah]

The Life of The Prophet Muhammad(pbuh): The Assignment of the Duty of the Prophethood and First Muslims

New Intrigues of Polytheists

None of the applied acts of torture and persecution could restrain our Holy Prophet (PBUH) from delivering his message. Furthermore, his uncle, Abu Talib, did not object to anything he said or did and would protect him instead.

This time, the polytheists tried something else. Ten individuals from among the leading figures came to Abu Talib and said, “O Abu Talib, your nephew has cursed our idols, has decried our religious practices, said we were stupid, and continued saying that our fathers and forefathers were on the wrong path. Now, you need to detain him from saying and doing such things or you will have to move out of the way.” 

What could Abu Talib do in the face of such an ultimatum? On one side, there were his tribe’s customs and traditions and on the other side, the genuine love that he had for his nephew! Which one would he prefer?

At last, he was able to dismiss the committee through his soft and kind words. 

Second Complaint to Abu Talib

The polytheists made another offer to Abu Talib when they received no results following their first complaint. “O Abu Talib, you are among one of our elders and are one of our leading figures. We petitioned you to dissuade your nephew from his actions. However, you did not comply with what we wanted. By God, we will no longer put up with his disapproval of our fathers and forefathers, his allegations that we are stupid, and his insults against our idols. Either you will dissuade him from doing this or we will continue fighting both of you until one of the parties is eliminated.” 

Abu Talib realized that he was facing a very dangerous situation. He did not want to be abandoned by his tribe but he could not abandon his nephew, the Master of the Universe (PBUH), either. What could be done in this situation? After thinking very deeply for some time, he called forth our Holy Prophet (PBUH) and begged: “O, my brother’s son, the leading figures have petitioned me and repeated what you had said to them.  Please feel sympathy for yourself and for me! Do not put upon us a load that we cannot carry. Give up saying words that displease the tribe.” 

This was a very delicate situation. Until that day and in some way, Abu Talib had been his sole protector from among his tribe. Was he going to forgo his protection?

Our Holy Prophet (PBUH) was downcast upon hearing this proposal and thought deeply for some time. Afterwards, in the comfort of knowing that Allah was the true Guardian, he replied with an answer that was as sharp as a sword: “O Uncle, know that if they put the sun in my right hand and the moon in my left in return for my giving up this cause, I would not give it up. Either Allah will make this religion dominant, or I will die in His service." 

Our Holy Prophet (PBUH was concerned that his own uncle would abandon him, thus he burst into tears while saying these words. It was as if his holy tears were trickling upon his uncle’s heart. How could his uncle leave him alone after seeing him in this state? How could he abandon his nephew whom he loved personally and very dearly?

Abu Talib understood that his nephew, who possessed indestructible willpower, would never give up exclaiming his cause, therefore he hugged him and said: “My Nephew, continue your work, do whatever you want. By God, I am not going to surrender you to anyone for any reason whatsoever.” 

After making this promise, the polytheists absolutely understood that Abu Talib would not leave his nephew alone and would continue to protect him despite everything.

Another Offer Made to Abu Talib

The polytheists could not tolerate seeing so many people running to attain Divine Guidance right before their eyes. They thought of some other maneuver. They appealed to Abu Talib once more and made the following offer:

O Abu Talib, let us give you Umara bin Walid, the strongest, toughest, most handsome, and the most intelligent youth from among the Quraysh for you to adopt as your own son. You will benefit from his intelligence and help. In return for this, you will give us your brother’s son; we will kill him! A man in exchange for another man, what more could you want?

Abu Talib responded to this senseless offer, “First, give me your own sons so that I can kill them. Only then will I give him to you.”

The polytheists reacted to this offer: But our children are not doing what he is doing!”

Abu Talib did not leave these words without an answer as he replied in a stern manner: “By God, Muhammad is much more auspicious than your own children. And you are making me this ugly offer? How can this be? You will give me your own son for me to raise and then take mine so that you can kill him? I will never permit this to happen! 

The polytheists’ spite and hatred came to a head. These bad feelings were no longer directed towards our Holy Prophet (PBUH) and the Muslims alone; they had now shifted towards Abu Talib as well.

Fate had a strange twist; the negative attitude the polytheists struck towards Abu Talib helped the Sons of Hashim take our Holy Prophet (PBUH) under their wing. There was only one individual who avoided protecting him: Abu Lahab.

During this time, Abu Talib gathered the Sons of Hashim and warned them to be careful in protecting our Holy Prophet (PBUH).

Abu Talib’s action led the polytheists to finalize their decision to kill Allah’s Apostle (PBUH)!

They convened at the Masjid al-Haram to execute their inauspicious plan. Abu Talib heard this and gathered the youth from among the Sons of Hashim. He immediately went to the Kaaba with them and threatened the polytheists once he arrived there: “By God, if you kill my nephew, Muhammad, know that none of you will remain alive. We will not stop following you until we and you perish in this path.”

The polytheists did not utter a single word against Abu Talib’s threat and they quickly dispersed.

At the end of his speech, Abu Talib spoke about the Master of the Universe (PBUH) as follows:

“How could this person, for whose sake the clouds were invoked for rain, be abandoned? He possesses such kindness; the orphans depend on him just as the widows and the poor trust in him. The destitute from among the Sons of Hashim take refuge in him.

“O Community of Quraysh! I swear to the Baytullah that you are mistaken for disclaiming him and that you are overcome with empty dreams. Do you think that your assassination of Muhammad will take place without a fight as we all circle around him? We will not release you until we all die around him, until our children cause us to forget about, and until we stop defending him.” 

New Intrigues of Polytheists

After all this, the polytheists of the Quraysh understood that our Holy Prophet (PBUH) would not succumb to their inflicted torture, force, and tyranny.

For that reason, they continued to contrive new plans and tried to invent imputations and slanders against him. Their goal was to belittle his exalted character (God forbid), to have the people think poorly of him, and to hinder the people from hearing about his sublime purpose and goal.

They gathered around Walid bin Mughira, one of their elders whom they highly respected and regarded in this matter. They began to talk about our Holy Prophet (PBUH), the representative of the thriving Islamic cause that was bestowing immense happiness within the hearts of its followers.

Walid bin Mughira, one of their founding fathers, spoke to his friends, who circled around him and whose faces reflected the ugliness of disbelief, “O Qurayshis, the Hajj season has arrived. The Arab tribes are going to flood our territory. Surely, they have heard of Muhammad’s situation. They are going to ask you a series of questions. For that reason, we must share and agree upon some idea regarding him so that we will not fall into some conflict.”

This was a sly idea. Separate and differing ideas would surely put them in a situation in which their words would be unbelievable and unreliable. Thereby, they would not be very influential upon the influx of people.

The Qurayshis wanted to hear Walid bin Mughira’s opinion on how to take precaution in this matter. They said, “Tell us about your ideas, thoughts and precautions regarding this matter too so that we can make the same claims and behave in the same way.

However, Walid wanted to hear their ideas first.

The polytheists proposed their ideas, “We will call him a soothsayer.”

Walid did not agree with this idea and said, “No, by God, he is not a soothsayer. We have seen soothsayers and what he recites is not what the soothsayers mutter and invent. A soothsayer will tell both the truth and will lie. However, we have not heard a single lie from Muhammad!”

The polytheists then said, “In that case, we will say that he is mad.”

Walid objected to this as well, “No, he is not mad, either. We have seen mad people and know what insanity is. His state does not resemble that of an insane person at all.”

The polytheists made a third offer, “Then we will say he is a poet.”

Walid did not deem this option as appropriate, “No, he is not a poet. We know of every kind of poems and his recitations do not resemble any kind.”

The polytheists made one last offer, “We will call him a magician.”

Walid did not deem this option as acceptable, either.

“No, no! He is not a magician. Besides, we have seen their spells and the magicians themselves. His recitations are not what the magicians recite and blow, nor is it what they knot and tie.”

The polytheists, whose every offer had been rejected transferred the burden to Walid, “Then tell us what to say, Father of Abdushshams.”

Walid’s response was surprising: “By God, there is a completely different kind of sweetness in his words. No words can be sweeter than his. He is a light. He possesses such sweetness; he is like a date tree with lush fruits whose roots have grown in very fertile land and in water-filled gardens and whose branches extend to its surroundings.”

The polytheists were alarmed upon hearing this expression. Had Walid, one of their “masterminds” from whom they sought advice, become a Muslim? Walid left them and went to his home, which further increased their worries; they even began to say, “Walid has left his religion.”

However, Walid had not left his religion. He had withdrawn to his home to think about what kinds of slander and accusations would be most suitable. After he made his decision, he came back to the polytheists and said:

“Out of all of the options that you have mentioned, which are all bound to be proven to be lies and as being completely groundless in a short time, saying that he is a magician is the most plausible one. He has arrived with such a captivating message that it is driving a wedge between children and their fathers, brothers, husbands and their wives, as well as clans and their tribes.” 

They all agreed upon this view. From now on, they were going to call our Holy Prophet (PBUH) a “soothsayer” (God forbid) and attempt to keep him away from the community by spreading this allegation and slander.

In the verses that God Almighty sent, the cunning plan of Walid b. Mughira was referred to as, “Woe to him! how he plotted!”; God informed us about the end of him as follows:

“Soon will cast him into Hell-Fire!” 

The Master of the Universe (PBUH) was not a soothsayer as the polytheists had said he was since a soothsayer’s words are based on estimation and are ambiguous. Our Holy Prophet (PBUH) spoke the truth and of reality which every sound mind would affirm. His words were far from being ambiguous and based on estimation since they had very clear and definite meanings.

He was not crazy as they had claimed since his friends were not the only ones who witnessed the excellence of his intelligence; his most unruly enemies also testified to this truth when the occasion arose.

He was not a poet as the polytheists had claimed since the bright, luminous truths that he mentioned were far from needing the ornamentation of poetry.

God Almighty sent a verse that addressed our Holy Prophet (PBUH) following the allegations, slander, and planning the polytheists had devised:

“Therefore, remind (mankind of Islamic Monotheism, O Muhammad). By the Grace of Allah, you are neither a soothsayer, nor a madman…” 

[luvbotclub]

stay — part one: mark lee.

it’s not me, it’s you— you had a change of heart. what kind of change of heart was that and why didn’t feel it? or in which mark doubts himself as an idol, a boyfriend, and a person.

content warning for angst, i’m sorry markzens. 4,867 words.

this can be read as x reader or x oc since i didn’t give mark’s girlfriend a name (this applies to the other parts as well). the other parts may be a little delayed since i’m working on some other fics as well, but i’ll try my best to finish this series! i hope you will enjoy reading this one :D

the sun was shining outside his window. the sunlight seeped through his silk curtains, and for some reason, mark lee didn't feel like sliding them aside and welcoming the april warmth with open arms today, or any other day to be honest. he didn't bother getting up and cooking himself some delicious breakfast, nor did he get up and at least fix his appearance a little bit. he was so disheartened to do anything ever since she left.

but mark has been feeling less like... well, mark nowadays, so there was no question as to why he was acting the way he is. but who could blame him? almost five months has passed and he has made close to no progress with moving on from her. her departure and the demise of them has impacted mark in the worst ways there is to exist.

mark has managed to go out with taeyong and jaehyun for some coffee two days prior to this unfortunate saturday morning without somehow making everyone around him feel burdened by his troubled presence.

mark hated that feeling the most ㅡ the feeling that he’s slowly becoming a burden to the people around him. and perhaps he is, indeed, starting to become a burden to the people around him.

he's tried. he's tried so hard. but it hurts, so so much. the feeling of her warm embrace and the sound of her laugh and the way she smiles are all fucking imprinted in his mind. there was no escape from her torturous murder. the poison she uses is cutting into his skin… slowly, leaving a trail of rotten memories behind.

maybe if she hadn't left him so harshly, mark would've dealt with her farewell a lot better than he is doing right now. maybe, just maybe, if she hadn't been so cruel enough to just tell him straight in the face that it's not me, it's you, you had a change of heart; mark would've forgiven himself faster. his chest would have been filled with something other than guilt and confusion to what he's done wrong, why did she leave, who made her leave, what kind of fucking change of heart was that and why in fuck's name didn't he feel it.

mark has tried to spend more time with her. he really did try, but success came for his group faster than nct and sm entertainment had expected, and he trained longer in the practice room for six days per week for their tour and comeback to make a bigger impact than before. but, in the end, when he's back in their shared apartment, it feels like everything he did wasn't enough. the awards he won, the effort he put into dancing, each lyric he sings out every blurred, sweaty night just for millions to hear. they weren't enough to make her smile reach her eyes. they weren't enough to make her satisfied with him.

they weren't enough for her to stay.

sometimes, mark would think. maybe he's really the one to the blame. maybe he should have just taken more breaks and spent more time with her ― cook lunch with her, cuddle with her on the couch, give her massages while she ranted and ranted about the rude customers at her workplace, the marais. maybe, instead of sweating and singing his heart out, he could have stayed home. maybe he should have been a better boyfriend. maybe he wasn't good enough.

for the past few days, mark's mind has been filled with maybe's and what if's and i'm never going to be good enough's. it was strange. he felt all this remorse ― he even blamed himself because he was doing what he had been wanting to do for a long time ― and all this confusion because of a girl who has sent his friends snapchats of her playing just dance with her workmates a day after she said goodbye, because of a girl who left him on a living room floor with a heart that fell into pieces and the echoes of his pleas for her to please stay with me in each corner of the room ㅡ haunting him, crawling to his skin like the remnants of a bad dream.

it was selfish for mark to think, nor to say aloud, but a despicable part of him wished she felt somewhat guilty for leaving him behind in the dust like this ㅡ or even be concerned about his well being. but no. she left in the first place without a care ㅡ why would she care about whatever’s happening in mark’s mind, now that she has a great life without an idol boyfriend who's always dragging her down?

but today. today. it felt like the day to start living his life again, to live like mark lee who could make people smile just by the sound of his laugh alone. he's disappeared for exactly two weeks from television appearances, family dinners, and friendly get-togethers ㅡ even company parties, he couldn't attend. he was in the stage of denial in the first week, like he was mourning over a death of a loved one. fans have left comments, questions as to why he disappeared all of a sudden all over nct’s twitter and instagram pages and they’ve started to worry whether mark was doing okay or not. his family grew concerned for his well-being, so did his fellow members. they sent him food with stupid little hearts taped to the lunchbox (taeil once sent him naengmyun, along with a paper heart with a classy dad joke and his well wishes scribbled on it). they sent him encouraging messages almost everyday ― the fans, his family, his fellow members. they're all there for him, because they knew that mark isn't okay.

mark decided to get up from his bed an hour after he finished the piece of toast and cup of coffee he both made in a haste. he didn’t even bother putting anything along with the toast, and it was burnt. everyday, his breakfast gets worse. but he needed to put something in his stomach ― he's not going to be in this state forever and he still needed to take care of himself.

mark's grip on the plate was tight, knuckles white as he rested the ceramic plate on the sink. he turned his head after washing his hands and saw the shoe and coat rack by the front door. it was strange to see her newly bought pair of nikes and her ivory coat gone from the racks ― they were her least favoured articles of clothing. maybe she could have left them with him, so he could have something that reminds him of her presence.

but, no. that's way too cruel, isn't it? she did mark a favour of not leaving a single trace of her behind, even as little as a speck of dust from her belongings or a smear of her red lipstick on his favourite white mug. she knew she was practically death itself to him ― her name a lethal spoken curse, her scent a guilty pleasure, her voice a melody so deadly. to love her will be a death wish, but he feels and loves her without a single trace of fear that it'd harm him one day. he loves her. every inch, every night spent watching stupid random shows in the tv, every kiss, every parent joke they've cracked together. he misses them. he misses her. and sometimes he didn't even care if it were his fault or hers ― because either way, she'll still leave an empty shell in his chest, a shell that longed to be filled with her love again.

mark lee never thought it was possible for his heart to ache for someone so much.

he closed his eyes and breathed out a heavy sigh, wanting nothing more than to scream out his frustrations and drink some good fucking coffee right now. but the coffee maker was broken, and mark didn't feel like going out to town and buying a new one. it might sound like it was a stupid reason and he knew perfectly well of the fact, but he doesn't want everyone to see him like this... whatever he is right now.

is he even human at this point? he feels like someone ripped half of his body and soul and he just feels the opposite of the caring mark everybody adored. he feels like he doesn't even have a heart beating right now as his eyes are closed to the darkness — just an empty chest and an empty head.

mark wants to be somewhere else other than this damn apartment. it was way too depressing and he finally got sick of being burdened by it all — it was way too exhausting to be so burdened all the time, to have your head weighed down by thoughts of what could have happened. maybe he can go to a clear field with a nice, baby blue sky, or the coffee house in town where soft jazz played. he didn’t even like jazz. maybe anywhere, just to get away from this place. even the recording studio sounded inviting right now.

the roar of mark's ringtone ripped through the silent room, and it took him a few seconds to recover from the small jumpscare he got before he grabbed his phone that was in his sweatshirt pocket. mental note: put your phone in silent mode next time.

it was a text from jeno.

[jeno]: hi hyung. you up for coffee later with jaemin later? XD

mark suppressed the urge to roll his eyes at the emoticon. jeno could be really ridiculous (and cringy) sometimes, yet he couldn’t ignore the letters that were practically glowing at his eyes, screaming for his reply to be fuck yes i am up for this, but as mark was somewhat in mid reply (and it was an awfully nonchalant yeah, sure with no stupid emoji to support his message), his fingers stopped typing.

would it be worth it, though? he doesn't even have the mental energy to go out and buy his own food, let alone go out for coffee (even though he's succeeded once...). a small part of him felt bad for jeno. all the boy wanted was to drink coffee with his members, but mark's fucking sadness is stopping him. it's not even jeno's fault mark turned out like this these past few weeks.

after a few seconds of contemplating, mark continued typing his message, feeling a little afraid of making jeno think he was uninterested.

[me]: yeah, sure. 😃 can you pick me up?

he tapped the send button, instantly regretting that he added the smiling emoji at the end (because now he sounds so enthusiastic to go, even if a part of him really did) and the fact that he just asked his friend to do him yet another favour. mark felt bad for jeno, he really did, but he didn't even know where the coffee shop was, and, knowing mark, he gets lost sometimes because the boy had no sense of direction whatsoever. jeno's response came a few seconds after, which amazed mark for a bit since jeno was never the fastest replier.

[jeno]: geez, hyung 😒

[jeno]: i'll be there around 1, jaem had to run some errands so he’ll be a lil late. see you later!!!

feeling relieved jeno didn't pry any more into the subject, mark locked his phone and put in his sweatshirt pocket. he felt more fresh, somehow, he felt like his steps won't be heavy and that his life will actually improve today. like an imaginary weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. maybe he should treat jeno and jaemin with lunch one day, if the day went well.

after a few hours of sitting in the sofa and listening to a bunch of songs taeyong has sent him over the past few days, mark went to take a nice, warm shower and changed into his “outside” clothes (...which were the same as his stay-in clothes) and waited for jeno and jaemin outside his locked home, foot tapping on the pavement out of habit.

as promised through his text, jeno arrived at mark's place at the same time when the clock in mark's phone read 1:00 pm. mark felt like grabbing jeno and giving him the biggest hug he's ever given to another member once he jumped off of the black van he arrived in ㅡ the boy's done so much for him ㅡ sending lunchboxes, agreeing to meet up with him in 3am nights where mark couldn't sleep at all, and, now, agreeing to pick mark up right on time even if he probably had million of things going through his mind right now, with nct dream's comeback slowly approaching them.

“hey, hyung,” greeted jeno, brown hair swept to the side messily. after a very long time, there was a genuine smile on mark's lips ㅡ he was happy to see a familiar face in the midst of this chaos. “you ready to go?”

mark gave the younger man a nod, and pocketed his phone in his pants.

a few minutes of catching up led them to full time story-telling, which is totally typical of the parent-like pair of friends. mark was smiling the whole time, because, again, he was with a familiar face and he hadn't been able to speak his mind to another person for a few days, constantly insecure of what others would think of him and his thoughts.

they were overcome with surprise when the driver pulled up on the pavement since they were too caught up in their conversation to pay attention to their surroundings, signalling that they've arrived in the said café. it seemed like the other cafés he's visited before. it had treats and specials lined up by the baby blue tinted window, ranging from strawberry cream puffs to the manager's favourite mushroom pizza. mark looked at the café’s exterior in astonishment and glanced back at jeno. jeno had good taste.

mark looked at the café one more time. he still had a few moments before they went inside; jeno was taking too damn well to adjust his facemask. it was perfect ㅡ black tables at the patio with white chairs as a contrast, fancy little plants lined up just by the café's entrance.

it was all fun until his eyes darted over to the shop's logo, etched in a fancy script font and a mighty golden colour. the light in mark's eyes faltered and the smile plastered on his face dropped in desultory, as the letters made his throat go dry.

the marais.

singing is a stupid thing now. he doesn't feel like singing a bunch of twisted words just for millions to hear. no. he doesn't feel like doing anything. getting scolded at for not singing a note properly is getting tiresome. constantly redoing certain parts because the producer didn’t like it is getting tiresome. thinking of her at any given opportunity is getting tiresome. doing this, whatever it is... it's tiresome.

“i hope you’re happy today,” came the soft muse of donghyuck through his headset. it was strange that mark felt something strong snap in his chest just because of these words. they were going through the songs in the album and mark didn’t know why he was even required to be here for that — he wasn’t even in make your day.

when he heard his dongsaeng’s verse, he felt like crying again. he’s gotten so bad — this was just all so fucking tiring. all he can think about is the way she looked that day in the café, stunned to see the two tall idols in her sight and soon seeing jaemin rush into the shop without much care if he was causing a ruckus or not. she didn’t think that she would see him ever again, thinking that she’s ran away from all of that, the exhausting world of mark lee and being constantly shoved to the side.

“i'm ― i'm sorry," his voice is weak. the words were strained coming out of his throat. he couldn't breathe, but he had to do this. “i can’t do this. not today, no.”

am i really doing this?

mark's heart skipped a beat. yes.

he removed his headset quickly, the song cutting off just as jaehyun’s part began. mark grabbed his cap and mask from the table and put them on. he felt no feeling of hesitation or remorse from his actions as he stared at the producer and members, all staring back at him and obviously stunned. mark shook his head and turned his back on them, ignoring donghyuck’s tired and annoyed stare burning at the back of his head. he really tried to be okay for one day, but he can't do that. the closure she gave wasn't enough — well, was there ever any closure in the first place? he had to give his own closure, or else he'll explode from all these feelings burning his insides with guilt that he didn't even have to feel in the first place if he just became a better boyfriend, a better person.

“mark, come back here,” taeyong’s tired drawl came, echoing through the halls. mark stopped walking but didn’t face his hyung. “you’re really going to skip a recording just for a girl who doesn’t even want to see you anymore?”

taeyong’s words stung, but mark swallowed and gave a firm, “yes.”

as he walked down the hallways and ignoring the incredulous burning stares of the crew, wondering why the hell he was out in the hall instead of being in the recording studio like his schedule declared so, mark thought of all the things he'll say. they need to make sense or else skipping a recording session will all be for nothing and the scolding from taeyong would make him feel even guiltier for the rest of his entire life. i love you, you heartless prick. no. that's way too blunt. i love you, and i don’t need you to say the same thing. i just want you to say goodbye one last time.

that’s all mark ever wanted.

that’s all mark ever needed.

he called a taxi and immediately got in, telling the driver his destination which was the marais. a frown was evident on the young idol's face as his phone vibrated text message after text message, all either from taeyong or taeil telling him he has the next two hours to get his ass back to the studio or else they were telling the ceo about it. it was tiring. he was debating whether to ignore them or reason it out like the adult he was, because he was feeling annoyed at their lack of understanding and at the same time he just wanted to be mature with them.

both of mark’s options sounded too far out of his reach when the taxi driver suddenly stopped his car and told him they were already at his destination, and he was forced to lock his phone instead, ignoring the constant vibration of the device.

he started shaking as he gave the driver money, and his hands became sweaty when he exited out of the car and slammed the door shut. mark walked over to the café with a heavy heart, his legs wanting nothing more than to retreat to the studio and spare his ego the embarrassment, but he was here now. there was no point in turning back. he’d embarrass himself anyways if he came back to the studio, he could practically hear donghyuck cheekily saying “i told you so” and the small knowing smirk on the younger’s face. mark shuddered at the thought.

as he went through the door of the shop, he instantly got a whiff of the strong coffee they were brewing — their bestseller and the same coffee she used to bring home for mark to drink. the boy only swallowed the fear in his throat and shook the memories off.

he walked up to the counter, legs still shaky as the employee working the cashier looked at him with a bright smile, “um, hi. i’m looking for someone who works here? is—”

“mark?”

mark looked up at the sudden voice, his words cut off halfway. if his heart was already beating fast even before he'd seen her, mark was pretty sure it’d jump right out of his chest as he made eye contact with the woman who got him into this predicament in the first place. he exhaled heavily and bowed his head to the employee behind the cashier, apologizing for the interruption before walking over to her who was standing just by the kitchen door and dressed in the white coat she hated so much. the sight made mark want to go home for some reason.

“what are you doing here?” she laughed nervously as he came closer. “aren’t you busy? i heard you guys are having a comeback?”

mark shook his head, ignoring the urge inside of him to tell her i skipped a recording for you. he knew it wouldn't matter to her anyways. “i’m not busy at all. i just want to talk to you about something. is that okay?”

she nodded yet the look in her eyes clearly said she really didn’t want anything to do with him at all. “sure, do you want to step out for a bit?”

mark only noticed the stares of the customers at the pair of them when she glanced around the room, and he immediately nodded. the last thing he needed was for someone to recognize him and spread rumours (even though he knew that was practically unavoidable at this point—people were already starting to point). she took hold of his hand and led him out of the coffee shop, ignoring the incredulous whispers of everyone.

once they were outside, mark was the first to pull his hand away from her grasp in such a haste. he almost apologized when he saw the brief shock emerge in her face at the brash action, but at this point, he didn’t have time for games anymore — figuratively and quite literally, since he only had an hour left before taeyong and taeil will call the ceo on him.

“so what is it that you want to talk about?”

“i wanted to talk about us,” mark exhaled, finally feeling a weight being lifted off of his shoulders. he saw her face contort a little, obviously displeased at the topic. “i just — you gave your closure. but i didn’t.”

“mark, it’s been months,” she laughed, the sound coming out as breathless. “you still haven’t moved on?”

“how could i do that?” mark started laughing too, albeit humorlessly. he ignored the pang in his chest as he realized that she found the entire situation funny. “everything i see, everyone i talk to. everything reminds me of you. i can’t even do anything right, i can’t even live normally anymore, because i keep thinking, why? why did she break up with me? was i a bad boyfriend?”

“mark— no,” the smile on her face dropped. “you weren’t a bad boyfriend. i just—”

“then why did you tell me i had a change of heart?!” mark was enraged. he didn’t want to be angry. he didn’t mean to raise his voice like that. he didn’t mean to let his tears cascade down his cheeks. he probably looked so pathetic right now, practically seething at the image of himself, tears falling and eyes pleading for an answer, for anything. “i didn’t. i didn’t have a change of heart. if i did then i would have been the one who ended things. if i was such a good boyfriend, then why did you leave me? right when i needed you most?”

mark didn’t even let her open her mouth before he spoke up again, the pain in his voice raw. “i tried so hard. i’ve always tried so hard but you made me feel like i didn’t. i’ve always protected you from everything and everyone. i’ve always defended you. you made me feel like everything i’ve ever done, for myself, for you ­— they weren’t enough for you. i always thought that maybe i wasn’t good enough to make you stay. i guess i was right, wasn’t i?”

“i was scared,” she answered calmly. “i fell out of love with you and i didn’t want to admit that. it was my fault. all of it. i only said that so i wouldn’t feel terrible about leaving you but i didn’t realize it was too harsh of me to say that right away. i’m sorry, mark, for everything. please stop blaming yourself.”

mark only nodded, wiping at the tears that were on his cheeks and blinking away the ones that threatened to fall. he got what he wanted. he got the truth. he gave his closure. so why did it still hurt? why did it still pain him to see her, looking at him like he was the saddest, most pathetic person to ever exist? the pitiful stare she was giving him made mark feel so sick in the stomach that he had to look away so that the feeling won’t resurface.

“just know,” mark breathed out shakily, fingers trembling and aching to brush the stray hair that fell on her face aside. he bit the inside of his cheek to stop the urge until he tasted blood. “i still love you and i don’t think that will ever change. even if you hurt me. even if you broke my heart so bad to the point that i didn’t know if i’ll be fine by the end of it all. you became a part of my life no matter how bad it got in the end.”

“i love you too, mark,” she smiled warmly and mark knew she was lying straight to his face right now. but he didn’t care. it felt good, strange almost, to hear those words tumble out of her lips again. “i don’t want to leave you like this but i have to go now. i made some plans with a friend. maybe we can hang out together soon? i can call you?”

“it’s okay,” mark shook his head. “i’ll be busy anyways. enjoy your day. thank you for everything.”

he was pretty sure his friends had already deleted her number from his contacts (it was either johnny or donghyuck who did it). after this, he was going to back to the studio and suffer the consequences of his actions, he’d have to put up with the hyung line staring at him with disappointed glints in their eyes during the entirety of the car ride back home and donghyuck bombarding him with questions about what happened once the younger boy has cornered him somewhere in the dorm. but he wasn’t bothered or even annoyed that he’d be experiencing these things soon.

mark was about to turn away and find a taxi when a tall man approached them, his long arms soon snaking around her shoulder and pulling her into an embrace. mark was quite surprised but shook his head — he was going to stop caring about her from now on. whatever business this man had to do with her, he didn’t care.

“who’s this, babe?” the nickname caught mark off guard.

“hyunwoo,” she mumbled under her breath, obviously uncomfortable at the current situation. “this is mark. remember? i told you about him.”

“oh, the idol?” ‘hyunwoo’ turned his head to mark and the shorter boy nodded. “nice to meet you! i heard you’re quite acquainted with my girlfriend here. she told me a lot about you.”

“oh, girlfriend?” mark was surprised at the cool tone of his question. “well, yeah. i used to be quite close with her.”

“we’re not dating or anything,” she tried to laugh off, but the nervous glint in her eyes screamed otherwise. “i’m just friends with hyunwoo. it’s like what it looks like, mark—”

“it’s okay,” mark smiled warmly, looking at her then back at hyunwoo. “i don’t care who you date. it’s not like you owe me an explanation of any sort.”

“i—yeah, of course,” she mumbled to herself, looking down at the ground before looking back up at mark. “it was nice talking to you. we’ll get going now. keep in touch, okay?”

mark nodded and the warm smile on his face didn’t falter even for a second. after the two had walked away, mark stayed in the same spot. he didn’t miss the way the two shared a short kiss before hyunwoo opened the car door for her and helped her inside before hopping in the driver’s seat and driving away. once they were gone, mark’s phone began ringing, calls from taeyong flooding his missed calls.

mark only smiled to himself, pressing the call button on taeyong’s number while his eyes were still fixated on the spot where hyunwoo’s car was previously parked.

i’ll forget about you, someday.

[reinahwanggg]

I Miss You》 Park Jisung

credits to gif owner

pairing: jisung park x reader

word count: 1.9K

warnings: slight angst (not really)

genre: established relationship, idol au, fluff, slight angst, jisung being a caring boy, boyfriend!jisung, reader misses him, but doesn't wanna admit it

a/n: i envisioned myself in this position haha, sorry

"good night honeybee. i love you."

"good night angel! i love you always."

jisung sleepily replies, yawning into the phone, before he closed his eyes to be guided into slumber. although he knows comeback seasons does take a toll on his body, and sometimes mentality, he makes sure he calls you every night. whether it be to tell you he'll be in the dance studio until the next day, or before bed, he always tries to find time for you in his extremely busy schedule, especially since he is quite worried about you.

although it's been a few months since the entire debacle, he always wants to make sure you're safe and well. he knew that you didn't mind all of the sudden attention, and you didn't care about what everyone thought about you and him together, but sometimes he just wants to make sure you're okay.

it's obvious that he's the more vocal one in the relationship; always saying what's on his mind, telling you whenever he felt you should say or stop this, or whenever he felt angry about something petty and wanted to say it to get over it. he just has more experience in expressing his feelings to those close to him.

you, on the other hand, always kept everything bottled up inside, not necessarily saying anything, even when it bothers you, because you wouldn't want to be a bother to others, unless it ticked you off. you were always the one to express your anger for some complicated situations, but rarely to others. you find yourself as your own confidant, as your own provider, as your own push to help you through the tunnel of life.

the way you handle things, often than not, got you in some heated arguments with jisung. he just wants you to tell him when it's too much pressure. especially that day when the camera crew came in, setting a gazillion cameras inside your house, saying that the fans would love to see how you and jisung interact. he saw how uncomfortable it made you, and seeing as it's been two weeks, and you still jump when you walk in your sleepwear at 7am and see the camera following you, it's enough evidence.

yet, whenever he asks you, you brush it aside. ''i'll get used to it'' you'll always tell him, knowing fully well, you sometimes can't stand it. waking up, and pretending to be a youtuber making a get ready with me video, only for it to actually be posted, it ticks you off. yet, all you tell him is that you'll get used to it.

this situation, was no different. for the past three months, jisung has had activity after activity to go through, while trying to record content for this stupid youtube segment. most times it would split videos of him and you on the phone, laughing about some stupid meme you saw on twitter. you know, every single piece of your body misses your boyfriend; dying to be back in his arms, and snuggled with him on the couch, watching random TV shows while he randomly kisses your hair and pulls you closer.

you know that you miss him, and yearn for the day he comes and tells you that promotions are over and the frequent break in between has begun, but you don't tell him that. you don't tell him how much you miss waking up in the morning to see him dancing around the kitchen to a video of you singing one of his songs in the best voice you can muster, unintentionally burning the eggs on the stove.

you don't tell him how much you miss coming home from an interview with other artists, only to see him fixing his hair, humming puzzle piece, smiling goofily at the thought of you. you don't tell him how much you miss your rant sessions; him ranting about how close fans get sometimes, and you ranting about how much you wanna punch your coworker in the throat for her unbearably cocky attitude.

you don't tell him how much you miss last minute packing for a day trip to the other side of the country. you don't tell him how much you miss sulking on the couch, only for him to plant a million pecks and kisses on every corner of your face, until you smiled and playfully pushed him away.

before you knew it, you're sitting up in your bed, crying to yourself about how much you miss him. and for once, you want to let him know, desperately throwing away your pride and wanting him to know how much you ache for his presence, and his quirky habits, and his killer smile, and just everything he has to offer. you miss him so much, your cries get a little too loud, your breath gets a bit too heavy, and your body shakes a bit too much, but you don't care, you just miss him so much it physically hurts you.

the little lamp in the corner of your room shines a somber gold around the room, you oblivious to the fact that the cameras are on 24/7 and is catching this very moment, of your vulnerability. you are also oblivious to the fact that he didn't hang up the phone, him obviously being too tired to actually hover his finger, as he was out like a light, his little snores in the background evident to the entire thing.

"honeybee, i miss you so much. so much it hurts."

you start, your voice choked up, coming out cracked, and scratchy.

halfway through your rant, jisung wakes up, blinking a few times to himself, trying to adjust to the bright light amidst the dark room, the slightest sound of hiccups ring in his ear, an extremely nasally voice ringing out sobs and muffled words, and he automatically sits up in concern. he wants to immediately ask you what's wrong, but instead just listens to what you have to say.

"i miss how, every time you hug me, it feels like placing the last piece of the puzzle in its rightful place. honeybee i just miss how much you check up on me when i'm sick. how sometimes we take turns nightly to sing each other to sleep, you laughing when my voice cracks, or me teasing you with praises for a run you mastered. i miss playful mornings, both of us being too lazy to move, but somehow ending up dancing around the room to various artists and songs. i miss when i wake up, and you're already staring at me, the loving gaze in your eyes as you slightly smile, immediately going to plant a kiss on my big ass forehead. i miss pushing you away, and telling you to brush your teeth before you could give me a good morning kiss. i miss when you and the boys would all pile up in my house, and i would get to show you a bit of my country's cuisine, and laughing when you guys scarf it down like you haven't eaten in years. and i want to tell you all of this, but i don't want to be a burden to you. you already have a lot, with some overbearing fans, promotions, and the occasional run ins. i don't want you to focus on me only and put your feelings on the backburner like i always do. i wish i just had to courage to tell you all of this."

by the end of your rant, jisung has to wipe a few tears from his eyes, smiling sadly on the other end of the phone call, wanting to just pack his overnight bag and come to hold you, tell you that he misses you just as much, and scold you for keeping everything bottled up, like he always does.

he goes to check the time, 2:16 am it says, and he knows that he has to be up by 4am in any event, and he suddenly thanks literally everything for the sudden off day his boss gave them, because he knows for sure, after what you just confessed, he's going to surprise you. he hears some ruffling on the other side of the call, the sound of bedroom slippers hitting the tile floors, and a door opening and closing. he just hopes you're okay.

you, on the other hand, walks into your kitchen, quite starved after crying your heart out for what feels like all night, which in truth was about three hours. you flip the switch, your kitchen suddenly illuminated, and you put your hand in front of your eyes, the quick headache taking effect, and you blink repeatedly at the sudden light. you then smile, before going to your dishes, taking out your favorite bowl, and pouring some lucky charms to the brim of the bowl, before going in your refrigerator, and grabbing your milk, pouring it in as well, and grabbing a spoon.

you walk back towards the exit of the kitchen, towards the corridor that connected both the living room and the stairway in separate mazes together. suddenly flinching once you see the infamous moving camera, following you, and you roll your eyes. 'do they not need new batteries or something?' you thought to yourself, before walking upstairs to your room.

you look up at the camera on top of your vanity, and smile and tight lipped uncomfortable smile, before showing the big bowl of lucky charms and chuckling.

"cereal hits different at 2am after an emotional breakdown."

you say, chuckling once again, and happily eating your food, humming along to love again, as it plays inside your head, liking the way it sounds, and suddenly asking alexa to play it for you. it's not as loud as it would usually be, considering what time it is, and the fact that your neighbor just came back home from her long ass business trip (which you're lowkey suspicious of, because her boss came looking for her halfway through, saying if she didn't come in tomorrow then she'll be fired) and doesn't like k-pop for the life of her.

you rest your bowl by the foot of your bed, honestly too lazy to go back downstairs and place it back inside the sink. you then go to your phone, and open it, seeing as it was still on the book you were reading before jisung demanded for your attention, only to then fall asleep on you ten minutes later. you read until you notice the sun up, suddenly hearing my first and last playing around you. the doorbell ringing frequently, and you check the time.

9:48 am it reads, and you realize you read about 10 books in the span of seven hours. you shout that you'll be down in a minute and make sure jisung's hoodie is low enough, before placing your bedroom slippers back on and walking down the stairs, turning into the living room and left, towards the separate entryway (it's kind of a big ass house), opening the door, before tears blurred your vision, and you immediately scooped up from the floor, and spun around on your porch, inhaling the scent you missed for the past three months. quite happy that you were in jisung's embrace again.

you didn't question it one bit, in fact you didn't question anything, just told him to come inside and told alexa to play the song louder. coincidentally, it was Quiet Down, making both you and jisung laugh boisterously, before walking into the kitchen, and dancing to his songs, as you both made pancakes and gossiped about anything and everything, just like you missed and loved.