#stoner gingerbread

[cassandrabakes]

He’s a degenerate

[wastedgoldebay]

'Let's Get Baked' Hanes Pullover Sweater

WastedGold

[b0ng05]

Hi(gh) Milf! Wanda Maximoff x Stoner! Reader Pt.1

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Word Count: 3333

Prompt: Billy and Tommy are coming home from college for winter break, Wanda couldn't be happier. Until they show up with her least favorite guest. Enemies to lovers type of vibe 🥴

Warnings: Age gap, smoking, Angst

Also, Not Proofread 💅

Masterlist

Pt.1 Pt.2?

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Wanda had always been a supportive mother to her boys, she’ll love them no matter what. They were her babies and could do no wrong in her eyes. Now, just because she’s supportive doesn’t mean she always approves of their choices. Like she didn’t approve of the way Tommy had wanted to bleach his hair over and over, mostly because she was worried about the health of it. Or when she didn’t approve of the boys wanting a pet lizard, but let them have it anyway to make them happy. Or how she doesn’t approve of Billy’s newest choice.

Billy had begun college and he had started making new friends. While that was great, there was one friend in particular that Wanda thought might be a bad influence on her son. Her name was Y/n, and as of late, Billy had chosen her to accompany him everywhere. They were like Dumb and Dumber, but put them together with Tommy when he’s home and it’s the Three Stooges.

From the first day Y/n had entered their home, Wanda could smell the reefer off the younger woman from three feet away. That accompanied with the stupid goofy grin on her face and Wanda instantly knew the girl was stoned. It wasn’t that Wanda didn’t approve of smoking, she just didn’t want her boys getting sidetracked with that new hobby and letting their grades slip in college, or getting mixed with the wrong crowd, nonetheless, she trusted them enough to ensure that themselves. And most of the time when the kids did visit back home with their new friend, Y/n was the only one stoned, and that only fortified the trust she had in her boys.

It was mid December, the air outside had grown cold and snow had begun to coat the ground in cold powdery layers. The Maximoff household smelt of fresh baked gingerbread cookies and a hint of cinnamon apples. Wanda had begun her baking when the boys told her they were driving home for Winter break. She was excited to see her kids for the holidays, to hear what she missed out on while they were away. She had kept herself pretty busy when the boys left home. She appreciated the free time to figure out who she was outside of being a mother, she had always had her own interests, but when the boys came along, they became her whole world. But now, she had time to try new hobbies and adventure out. She was happy, and it was a bittersweet yet tremendous feeling. So she softly hummed out a tune as she mixed together the cookie dough in the kitchen aid before her, lost in a peaceful bliss.

What Wanda’s kids forgot to mention to her, is that they were bringing Y/n with them for Winter break. Y/n had nowhere else to go for the weeks off, it was either go with the twins or be stuck on campus, the second choice didn’t sound too appealing. So, with a stash tucked in her duffle bag, she hopped in Billy’s suv. They had picked up Tommy from his dorm on the other side of campus, and began their journey back to the Maximoff home. The car was filled with the quiet hum of the wheels along the road and soft music playing in the background, the playlist courtesy of Billy. The twins occasionally chatted about school and the freshest gossip, the atmosphere was warm and comfortable.

As the car cruises down the highway, Y/n’s eyes fall to the window, her mind getting lost in a haze that wasn’t weed induced. Y/n felt guilty, of course she did. She may be stoned all the time, but she wasn’t a complete idiot. She felt as if she was invading the Maximoff household; it was clear to her from the first interactions that Wanda wasn’t necessarily the biggest fan of hers. Whether it was due to her poor introduction or whether it was how she dressed and acted, she couldn’t chalk up which one rubbed Wanda the wrong way. She didn’t want to impose herself into their home, but she didn’t have a different home to go back to. Her plan this winter break was to be out of Wanda’s vision as much as she could. Whether she had to hide away in the guest room all break, or if she had to duck out in Billy’s room. Anything to avoid the fake sugary kindness and judgemental glances.

Billy pulled over to a gas station along the side road, grabbing his wallet. He unbuckled his seatbelt, turning in his seat so he can view both passengers easier. “Alright, I’m running in to grab something to drink, you two want anything?” Billy asks, turning to look at Y/n and Tommy, who was sitting in the backseat with a bag of doritos in his lap.

“Redbull,” Tommy says through a mouthful of chips. Billy cringes, turning to look at Y/n, expecting to see the same reaction, instead he’s met with the sight of her staring off into space, lost in her own mind.

“You alright?” Billy lightly taps the back of his hand to Y/n’s shoulder to grab her attention from the dashboard. The woman jumps at the contact, eyes flying up to meet his.

“Y-yeah I’m good. Just- thinking about something. What did you ask?” She sheepishly requests, scratching the back of her neck.

“Want something to drink? I’m running in.” Billy gives a warm reassuring smile. He knew she was a bit spacey, whether it was the weed or her natural demeanor, he didn’t care. To him, she was good company either way. The day they got assigned to that group project together, he didn’t think much of her, just another person that was gonna slack on their end of the work. But as he got to know her, there was a lot more to her than the simple one-track mind that people assumed was in there. When the other two people in their group project had decided to slack off, she had helped him pick up the weight and finish the project with an A. When Billy saw her effort, he decided Y/n was someone worth keeping around. He knew Y/n was smart, the humble kind of smart. She may have put on a facade in front of others but behind it was a beautiful personality that just needs a little more effort to get to know. And in Billy’s opinion, the effort was well worth it.

“A monster would be great, thank you.” She smiles back. Running a hand through her hair to push it out of her face. Taking a deep breath to shake the lingering thoughts from her mind, blinking them out as she turns to face the boys.

“See, she has manners, unlike SOMEBODY.” Billy jokes, whipping his head to look back at Tommy, who comically whips his head to look behind him for the culprit. Billy snorts at his reaction, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Billy, who’s back there?” Tommy asks, his voice quivering, imitating genuine concern. A dramatic, chip-dust covered hand over his chest to clutch his imaginary pearls. His eyes wide and mortified.

“I can’t with you-” Billy bites back a laugh, shaking his head as he gets out of the car. He closes the door before walking into the gas station. Once Tommy sees that Billy has entered the store, he reaches up to the passenger seat, smacking Y/n in the arm with his hand. Y/n gags at the doritos dust he leaves behind in wake of his touch. Quickly wiping her arm clear of any lingering chip dust while grimacing.

“Dude, break one of those joints out.” Tommy requests, a cheeky grin on his face. He wipes his hands off with one of the wet napkins in the backseat, something Billy kept back there specifically for Tommy after a particularly harrowing trip to Wing Stop in the past. Y/n chuckles and rolls her eyes, shaking her head playfully at his request.

“No way, you know Billy is paranoid about his car smelling.” Y/n reasons with a mischievous grin. “Just wait till we get to your place, we can hide out in your old treehouse again and smoke.” Tommy huffs exaggeratedly and leans back in his seat, “Why can’t you be like, ‘sure Tommy, we can go outside the car and smoke?’” He mimics Y/n’s tone.

“It’s cold, I’m not freezing my ass off out there.” Y/n laughs, glancing back at him. He scoffs and retorts, “As if the treehouse won’t be cold.”

“That’s different because we can plug in the space heater up there.” Y/n points out. The treehouse was something Tommy and Billy’s dad had built for them before his and Wanda’s divorce. He put extra care and work into making it the best treehouse the boys could ask for. As over the years Vision’s efforts proved themself, the treehouse had held up tremendously well, only thing different was the red paint that began to fade in shades.

Billy exits the store, a plastic bag in his hand as he enters the car, passing the bag to Tommy to deal out.

“Ew, did you get sparkling water? What are you?” Tommy playfully mocks his twin, passing the bottle up to Y/n so she can put it in the cupholder. At his words, he receives a chuckle from the woman and a glare from Billy through the rearview mirror. “Gay,” Y/n responds for Billy, “He’s gay.” Snorting when Billy smacks her upper arm in a playful scold. Tommy snickers, passing Y/n her monster from the bag before cracking open his own Redbull.

“Says the other gay,” Billy quips, his lips quirking upwards. Y/n grins, a mischievous glint in her eyes, “Takes one to know one.” She jokes, cracking open her can and taking a sip.

Billy and Tommy laugh at her words, settling back in their seats for the rest of the journey. Billy buckles back in his seat, beginning to drive again. Their trip to the Maximoff household is almost complete, only a few more hours ahead of them. The winter clouds brewing a snowstorm above them, dimming the daylight that remained. The heat of the car warmed Y/n’s cheeks, her eyes turning heavy and tired with the comfort. The sound of Britney Spears echoing in the car and filling the silence. Her eyes settled on the fields passing by, and it wasn’t long before her eyes fell shut and soft snores emitted from her.

A few hours later, the tires roll into the driveway, the snow quietly crunching beneath their weight. As Billy pulls the car into park, Tommy reaches up into the passenger seat, delivering a firm but gentle hit to the woman’s arm to wake her. The trio exit the car, collecting their belongings before making their way to the front door. It was painted a bright white with royal blue detailings and a golden doorknob to compliment the colors. A green christmas wreath with bells and ribbons hung from the center. Billy went to grab his keys from his pocket, but before he had the opportunity to pull them out, the door flew open.

Wanda stood before them, a big excited grin on her face as she opened her arms for her boys. She was wearing a grey christmas sweater with black reindeer patterns, a pair of black leggings and fuzzy socks on her feet. Her hair was tied back in a messy bun, a small flick of flour littering her cheek. The big grin on her face dwindled slightly at the sight of the familiar y/h/c in front of her. Nonetheless, forcing the grin again to welcome them.

“Boys! Hug your mother!” She teases, pulling the twins into her arms. A small tinge of annoyance tweaked at the back of her mind, not knowing her boys were gonna have a guest with them. Her least favorite one at that. When they pull away from the hug, Wanda gives the best fake smile she can produce. Her green eyes looked the younger woman up and down, taking in her appearance. The younger woman was in jeans, a hoodie, and an old worn out winter hat, no jacket despite the cold temperatures.

“Hi, Ms. Maximoff,” Y/n pipes up with an awkward smile and a half wave. Not really knowing what to do, especially under the older woman’s intimidating gaze.

“Y/n, nice to see you again. Are you staying with us for Winter break?” She asks, praying the answer was no, but not getting her hopes up entirely. She knew that the chances of the girl coming for a quick visit was very unlikely. “Yeah, we didn’t want her to be alone in the dorms for Christmas.” Billy informs, trying to make his mother seek a little empathy for the girl once he notices the look in Wanda’s eyes. At the words, Wanda’s annoyance dwindles slightly, showing some understanding. She gives the warmest smile she can, opening the door to let them all in. “C’mon, don’t want anyone getting a cold, do we?” She says, nodding her head to gesture to them to come in. Wanda slightly grimacing at the whiff of weed on the younger woman’s hoodie as she passes through.

The group piles in, slipping their shoes off by the door before making their ways to set their belongings in their respective rooms. Y/n silently cursing the fact that the guest room was next to Wanda’s room instead of next to the boys. It would make hiding from Wanda a little harder than anticipated. Y/n sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh, mind flicking through anxious thoughts as she eyed her backpack. She grabbed a joint out, making her way into the bathroom connected between the guest room and Wanda’s. Locking both doors and cracking open the bathroom window, Y/n lights her joint. Letting her anxious worries turn into a comforting euphoria as she leaned against the wall, blowing the smoke out the window. Exhaling her worries out with grey puffs. Anxious thoughts dwindling, it wouldn’t be too hard to stay out of Wanda’s way right? All Y/n had to do was stick to the guest room or stick to Billy and Tommy like a parasite. It wasn’t that Wanda was too intimidating to be around. Maybe it was- despite the point, Wanda was stunning. Y/n didn’t do great around pretty women, she turned into a blubbering blushing mess. And especially older women, and Wanda hit both points dead center. She was absolutely stunning, effortlessly so. As Y/n smoked, she couldn’t help but let her mind wander thoughts of the older woman. How cute that speck of flour on her cheek looked, the whimsical pastel gingerbread men on her fluffy socks, every quirk and trait that had Y/n enamored-

'No- no, absolutely not enamored, this is my best friend’s mother for gods sake.'

Wanda was taking the cookies out of the oven, her mind sorting through her thoughts as she set the baking sheets on the stovetop. She began using a spatula to take the cookies off and set them on the drying racks. But the question lingering in her mind is, why didn’t Y/n have anywhere to go? She knew that Y/n never really mentioned her family but Wanda just chalked that up to the younger woman being a rather private person. From what Wanda had observed being around her, Y/n didn’t talk much, only jutting in with the boys when they’re joking around. Wanda knew nothing about her besides the fact that the younger woman was an English major that liked smoking the good kush and was unreasonably good at Mario Kart. That last one she learned when the boys came home for a weekend with her and they all ended up playing a few rounds while Wanda sat on the couch and observed with a content smile. As much as Wanda disliked the younger woman, she was a good kid despite the smoking. Y/n was always a help after supper, offering to do the dishes up as a ‘thank you’, cleaning up after herself, just random chores to help. Maybe, Wanda could try to make peace with the woman. Maybe a few weeks of winter break with her boys and Y/n couldn’t be so bad… Right? She just needed to try to be more understanding, maybe get to know her better. It was for the boys sake, right? Not the fact that she did find the younger woman attractive and a little endearing. Especially with how nervous and bashful she looks whenever Wanda is around, or that cute glimmer in her eyes when she won Mario Kart last time. What was she thinking? It's her son's friend, she can't think like that.

Then the scent hit her.

Wanda ran over to the oven, whipping it open and using an oven mit to take out the last tray of cookies. Slightly burnt and crispy as they clung on to the baking sheet. A small unconscious pout falling on her lips, her brows furrowing as she sets them on the oven. Turning off the oven and shutting it closed. “Damn it,” Wanda mutters, tossing the oven mit on the counter before making her way over to the cookies on the drying rack. Their gold hue mocking the burnt ones. Letting out a sigh, she turned to walk out of the kitchen to give them time to cool down. As she makes her way up the stairs, a faint smile graces her lips, hearing her boys chat in their room as they unpack. She goes to her bedroom to grab her phone off it’s charger, but pauses in her steps. Her nose tipping up as she sniffs the air, smelling something familiar, something burning. Her eyes widen slightly as she makes her way to the connected bathroom, knocking heavily.

“Y/n, you better not be smoking in my house!” She calls through the door, annoyance peeking through her tone.

Y/n freezes, eyes wide in fear and embarrassment of being caught. Quickly snubbing the joint out in the sink and stuffing the remaining half in her hoodie pocket. Panic filling her mind, what happens when she leaves this bathroom? Is she gonna be kicked out? Is she gonna get a lecture from Wanda?

She didn’t know, but boy was she scared to find out. But she took a deep breath, mustering up her courage before unlocking the door and opening it, revealing the brunette before her. Wanda’s eyebrow quirked as the scent grew stronger.

“Hiiii, Wanda.” Y/n drawls out, giving a guilty smile, sheepishly lowering her head to brace for the woman’s reaction. But to her surprise, a small laugh breaks past Wanda’s lips.

That guilty smile tugged at Wanda’s heartstrings in a way she couldn’t help. A small smile that Wanda tried to fight back, and a hint of amusement in her eyes, but she quickly tries to cover both.

“If you’re gonna smoke, go outside.” She reminds, lightly flicking the younger woman in the forehead before entering the bathroom to light a candle to get rid of the smell. Y/n’s eyes widen almost comically, surprised that Wanda didn’t raise her voice.

“Sorry, I know.” Y/n’s cheeks flush pink as she scratches at the back of her neck. Her eyes following as the older woman enters her bedroom again, standing before her.

“It’s alright, just don’t let me catch you again.” Wanda hums playfully, “Now c’mon, I need you and the boys to help me decorate all those cookies, wouldn't want my baking to be for not.” Nodding her head towards the door with a small smile, Wanda heads out into the hall.

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Authors Note- Okay, how are we feeling?

[humanteethmarksonhumanbone]

my tmagp headcanons (some sad some random)

-i saw someone hc that alice named herself alice after alice cullen and i love that. let me one up them by hc that her brother luke is also trans and named himself after luke skywalker

-luke’s used to be in an alternate universe version of the Mechanisms

-BAM nother trans oiar staf hc: gwen has had a huge will wood phase so her chosen name is a will wood ref (“but think of a daughter we could name her gwendolyn”) (idk this song is what i associate with the name gwendolyn)

-elias is gwens stoner brother

-needles name used to be micheal

-needles has a peanut allergy

-celia is adopted

-celia is also mixed black and asian

-aro/ace spec bi oriented celia (im projecting)

-sam and alice have an epic hot chocolate making competition ever winter holiday

-and have a gingerbread making competition

-sam listens to mom music, alice bullies him for it (she likes it too)

-alice quotes Philomena cunk religiously

- colin has dead parents

-so does sam

-sam learned how to knit from his grandmother

-colin and one (1) arson charge

-colin is a fan of “bullets for saint Sebastian” (lukes old band) he and alice used to concerts together sometimes

-lena got rejected from culinary school (she also made the chocolate cake and mini donuts)

[pearlprincess02]

would takemichi date you ?

for his cancer sun:

cancer, scorpio, pisces, taurus, capricorn, virgo suns

for his sagittarius moon:

cancer, aquarius, pisces, sagittarius moons

for his scorpio rising:

cancer, pisces, virgo capricorn, and taurus risings

for his cancer mercury:

cancer, scorpio, and pisces mercuries 

for his leo venus:

leo, aries, sagittarius, and aquarius venuses 

for his leo mars:

leo, aries, sagittarius, gemini, libra, and aquarius mars

• ° + ° • 

5th house:  pisces and gemini placements

pisces in 5th: selfless, and dreamy partner. another placement that may ignore red flags, when feelings are involved. wholesome in the dating scene/beginning of a relationship. flirting style is sincere (blushes easily, stares, more smiley, makes it obvious, etc). painting, cuddling, listening to music with each other, etc are ideal dates for these ppl, but honestly i feel like they’d be down for anything. hobbies may be painting, singing, listening to music, sleeping, having friends over, drugs, and alcohol, etc. probably has many playlists, and listens to everything. “stoner” music lmao. most likely one of your children will have pisces/neptune in their chart, probably the oldest. children may be bashful, over sensitive, imaginative, lazy, sweet, etc since these are the traits of pisces. children’s birth may have hidden details (ancestry, hereditary, etc).

5th house ruler in 3rd: draw pictures of each other/ paint each other. go out to the new restaurant or dessert shop in your neighborhood. design and build a gingerbread house together. picnic together.g o to a drive-in movie together. take a day trip together and explore the next town over.

7th house: taurus and capricorn placements

taurus in 7th: you are attracted to the archetype of taurus. subconsciously, you fear material wealth only to lose it, trust issues, and intimacy. so you attract those who can give you stability. at best, they help you soothe chaos. at worst, they can be stubborn or self-indulgent.

7th ruler in 10th: you are attracted to the archetype of capricorn. subconsciously, you fear the real world, responsibility, and structure. so you attract those who have great work ethics and have maturity. at best, they bring you stability in love. at worst, they are judgemental of you.

8th house: taurus and capricorn placements

taurus in 8th: you feel intimately comfortable when your partner accepts your lazy, indulgent and selfish traits.

8th house ruler in 10th: you feel intimately comfortable when your partner accepts your distant, pessimistic and practical traits. 

• ° + ° • 

takemichi's masterlist 

crd: 

5th house  5th house 2. 

7th house 

8th house

[mywifeleftme]

262: The Breeders // Last Splash

Last Splash The Breeders 1993, 4AD (Bandcamp)

The Breeders stalk onto “New Year,” the opening track from their sophomore record Last Splash, like alien Amazons from a molten asteroid crater. Under Kim Deal’s girlish croon, the guitars’ tone hisses and seethes with bad intentions for nearly half the track’s short running time before the band finally let it rip with a jackhammering riff that signals that the Breeders are here for their slice of the post-Nevermind cake.

But, for all its supreme might, “New Year” is a fragmentary thing, cutting off abruptly just as you’re ready for a bridge or solo to take flight. In its place, you get a miniature suite of oddball noises that, despite the platinum-plated recording quality, could be the sound of Beck rooting around in his closet of early unused samples. Put your mind back to before you first heard “Cannonball” and remember what it was like trying to clock where the song was going in that first 90 seconds or so, the way that chlorine blue chorus finally hits out of nowhere. There is something stilted and patchwork about “Cannonball,” as though it were a work by assemblage like a Beastie Boys or Lucious Jackson song, even as it finds every pleasure center you ever wanted from an alternative rock song.

Last Splash is constantly mutating, from the imperial shoegaze-psychedelia of “Invisible Man” to the bone-dry Pixies creep of “No Aloha” to the oceanic guitar spectacular “Roi.” As with all the popular heavy alternative bands of the era, this music lives and breathes on the variety of ways its composers are able to exploit the genre’s signature quiet/loud dynamics. But the Breeders are more fascinated with texture than most of their pure rock peers: everyone would’ve been happy with the bedroom blues vulnerability of “Do You Love Me Now?” with more basic production, but what we get instead is a stoner’s paradise of guitar tones you could snap off and chew on like a witch’s gingerbread lintel. I don’t know if Kim discovered weed around 1993 or if we’re just hearing for the first time what a genius could do with a bigger recording budget, but every moment of Last Splash simply pops out of the speakers in a way that its otherwise laudable predecessor Pod never does.

The album is I think purposely front-loaded with its most accessible tracks, and it’s hard to blame fair-weather alternative fans drawn in by “Cannonball” for getting lost in its murky mid-section, where instrumentals and thumbsucking weirdo business (“Mad Lucas”) begins to outnumber the songs with, like, hooks. But I find the pacing is what makes Last Splash so immersive as a trip. By the time you’re 25ish minutes in, you don’t need the hooks quite so much—you’re deep in the throbbing, gelatinous heart of the thing, just feeling it. That’s what makes “Drivin’ on 9” such a sweet comedown. Borrowed from wholesome Bostonian anti-folkers Ed’s Redeeming Qualities, Deal and the Breeders give it a completely straight reading, complete with fiddle and skipping mandolin. It’s so good that I’d love a band that sounded like this all the time, but coming after 40 minutes of ear-splitting crunch the juxtaposition absolutely melts me. How could you not fall in love with them after such an unexpected kiss on the cheek? (I don’t really need the “Roi” reprise tacked on at the end bringing me back to noiseville, but admittedly it has some swagger.)

262/365

[elspethsalazar]

lale may have been spoken for, but that didn't mean elspeth couldn't hype up a beautiful woman. they had eyes, after all—she would be lying if she didn't think the other was stunning, model material, the type that belonged on double-page spreads. "twenty-five is the cut off, yeah! so i've just missed it. not that i would have been interested in a crusty old white man, anyway. give me keanu any day of the week. i think he's always been sexy—all the way back in bill and ted." having ran with the boys for the majority of their life, that bro-humour left elspeth positively wheezing. anything with testosterone-fuelled idiocy—jackass, seth rogan films, stoner jokes—had her interested. "although, now you've brought up ace ventura, that's one crusty old white guy i'd consider. there's something about jim carey. maybe it's those weird faces he does," or, perhaps, it had just been way too long since elpseth had flung herself into the dating pool. dark eyes illuminated at the sight of the lamp. "that's so fucking cool! you need that. you'll look like you're in an oversized gingerbread house,"

She was flattered, so much so a flush of color bloomed against her cheeks. She'd never had any real urge to be a model, print, or anything, but to be remembered- to be known. Funny for a woman who published her only book of poems and letters under an alias. To be known didn't mean needing a name- not to Lale. It was deeper than that and charming to be remembered or admired at all. "Older than what is it...twenty-five? Younger?" Lale made a sour face, "I'm far too old for him too- but if I'm honest, he never did it for me. I've always been a Keanu girl." Lale beamed, "I can see it. You pull it off better than Ace Ventura, but I gotta admit he does it for me far more than Leo." Lale shrugged and plucked up a gummy bear lamp, "This doesn't have the ghost of an old granny. Maybe a ghost from one of Chuck Palahniuk's books...damned." Lale said squeezing the bear to a literal light bulb moment.

[itsthegreenstuff]

[aliceonsworld]

Not my photo but is this not a great holiday idea!?

[xhailfirex]

Gingerbread House Pipe 😎

[silv3r-fox]

Making dinosaur gingerbread cookies!

[gabbyuke]

Come by on Christmas Eve while I get stoned and make a gingerbread house!

[harveybwabbit92]

[Stoner Emmet au: It’s Halloween, Emmet is hanging out with his sister in Law, due to a scheduling error Emmet had the day off and Ingo had to work, the two are just sitting on a bench eating candy talking.]

Emmet: This candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

Y/n: Yeah, it sure does.

Emmet : At like a candy traffic school. Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he's drunk!

Y/n: *unwraps a lollipop* Look out!

Emmet : We’re driving. But you keep wantin' to eat yourself.

Y/n: All day.

[pause]

Emmet : That's like one of my biggest fears. Y’know?

Y/n: What is?

Emmet : Like if I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Y/n: That you would eat yourself?

Emmet : *pours a mini-bag of chips in his mouth* Wouldn't even question it.

Y/n: Mmm. That'd be tasty.

Emmet : Yeah...It's cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.

Y/n: Yeah. Yeah....Wanna go TP that house that's giving out mini-salad bags?

Emmet : (showing off his backpack full of toilet paper.) Oh, I thought you’d never ask!

[uglypastels]

Tom Holland Masterlist

R means requested -  Send Requests/Feedback/Questions here  - GUIDELINES

❤ my favs | 💋 SMUT (18+) | ☔ ANGST

Disclaimer: the smut is intended for readers of ages of 18 or older. I do not want to expose anyone to anything that they do not want to be exposed to. 

> Back to Main Masterlist <

ONE SHOTS

R Picture Perfect Abstract: You tell your loved ones about the new addition to the family.

R Three Words: Nervous As… Abstract: The first time you say it, and you don’t even realize it.

It’s A Walk in the Park ❤ Abstract: On a spooky Autumn night, you decide to take a shortcut.

Eye Candy and Dog Treats Abstract: Tom makes use of a very interesting method to ask you out.

Delay Abstract: With your flight being canceled, you have plenty of time to kill.

R True Reflections ❤☔(💋) Abstract: Tom shows you why he loves you, even when you don’t see it.

Fireworks - part 2 Abstract: A kind stranger helps you in the dark and well… sparks fly high.

R The Perfect Guy Abstract: Tom shows exactly what he is.

The First Snow (💋) Abstract: Aren’t lazy morning just the best?

Second-Hand Love ❤ Abstract: …Love can be handed down from generation to generation.

It’s a Beautiful Day Abstract: A breakfast in bed (for the one and only @andwhatdostarsdobest).

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes Summary: An anniversary trip to the happiest place on earth (for my sweet valentine @tomhollanders2013 )

A Big F U to Valentine’s Day Summary: A movie night with no romantic intentions.

Saviour in the Night ☔ Abstract: Tom just can’t miss the opportunity of playing the hero.

Appropriate Action Abstract: everyone loves a badboy, but you don’t necessarily need one ;p

To the Beat (band!au -> drummer!Tom)  - part 2💋  ❤ Abstract: An unexpected night with the drummer of a new up and coming band

> Extra headcanon about the band

Rules to Follow (hitman!Tom) Abstract: To succeed, you must follow the rules, but will he?

Lazy Afternoons 💋 Abstract: this is the aftermath of when tom posts a picture and tumblr goes wild

Slide In (fratboy!Tom) ❤ Abstract: talking online is so much easier than in person, especially when your lives are so different.

New Beginnings (roommate!au) Abstract: A series of events on how chaotic it is to live with three guys

Murder on the Dancefloor (dancer!Tom) ❤ Abstract: y/n is a celebrity contestant on Stritly Come Dancing and might just be developing some feelings for her partner (in crime)

Dutch Agreement (stoner!Tom) 💋 Abstract: Side effects of marijuana may include, but are not limited to, drowsiness, hunger, memory/concentration loss and... confessing your feelings for your best friend. 

Plan, Interrupted 💋 Abstract: Who would have ever imagined falling for the guy you hire to ruin your sister’s wedding party?

Money Heist ❤ Abstract: Y/n’s life changes (for better or worse) when one day a handsome stranger walks into the bank. 

Blurbs/Requests:

Baking cookies with Tom

Going on holiday with the Hollands

Tom dating a band nerd

Meeting Tom at the vet

Tom and on-set paramedic!reader

Gingerbread house competition ❤

Tom teaches you how to…💋  -  part 2💋   - part 3💋 - part 4 💋

He finds out you can sing

Meeting your parents for the first time (x Brazilian!reader)

Bar fight

Car crash - part 2  ☔❤

First time (💋)

Interview teasing

Clubbing (💋)

Jealous and dom (💋)

Concert (inspired by Death of a Bachelor)

Wedding dress shopping

He loves your body 💋

Easter with the family

At the premiere after-party

Calm down

Phone in the dog park

How Tom Holland drunkenly saved Spider-Man

(Too) expensive gifts

Celebrity crush confession

Miscarriage (roommate!Tom) ☔

Multilingual reader

Instagram stories

Romeo + Juliet

Comforting you (after job interview)

Confessions

What to do in quarantine

Quarantine proposal

Family time

Morning tea

Dating a bookworm

Tom cutting Harry’s hair

First date gentleman

Finding out about the bet (💋)

Deepfakes (brother!tom)

Tessa goes through the fence (neighbour!tom)

Edging and overstimulation 💋 (dom!tom)

Going trick or treating (dad!Tom)

Nightmares

Halloween costume party/meeting the family

You can’t give him attention

Kissing prank gone semi wrong

Saving you from paparazzi (protective!tom)(☔)

Watching ffh with Tom

Dad!tom watches scary movie with son

You’re introduced as “future daughter in law’

Best friend!tom and lesbian!reader

Tom dyes your hair

Hugs for comfort

Stealing his red jacket (ft RDJ)

Skater!tom

Chubby cheeks

Photoshoot (model!au)

Wearing his jacket while riding him 💋 ❤

School stressed + long distance (☔)

Assassination (assassin!tom) ☔

Your new haircut 

Tom being the small spoon

Say Yes to the Dress (best friend!tom)

Grinding in the Club (💋 )

Jealous of Tessa

Tom finds out that you’ve been sick while he’s away (☔)

Painful accident during sex 💋

Praise kink (💋)

Swearing kink/dirty talk  💋

Staying up late until he comes home

Making up a bad fight ☔

Post workout shower 💋

First time (tom being very careful) 💋

Waxing Tom’s chest

Spanking kink 💋

Cramp during “fun time” (💋)

Dom!tom punishing you for flirting 💋

Sub!tom 💋

Stuck at the airport together

Head massage

Awkward moment in online class (prof!Tom)

Camera on (zoom class, prof!Tom)

Meeting professor!Tom outside of the zoom meeting

Tessa making a cameo in class (prof!Tom)

Daddy kink 💋

Hogwarts AU (ravenclaw!gender neutral!reader)

SCD: Live Show 1 nerves (pro dancer!Tom)

CEO!dad!Tom + male!bestfriend!oc blurb series (no chronological order, by request)

Coming back home after a long day of work  

Late night comforts

Unconscious actions

Lazy kisses

Caught

Bisexual disasters

Family cuddles in bed

“We can wait” (💋)

In the bedroom 💋

Your son accidentally watches TDADD (dad!tom)

Song prompts:

Start of Something New (HSM au)

Emperors New Clothes (koh!au - 💋)

Magic

Addicted

Bacchus’ Basement (stoner!tom) 

Yours

Gold Rush

Spotify Wrapped ‘19

Lego House/ I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing (☔)

Shut up and Drive

Rolling in the Deep

Spotify Wrapped ‘20

Like a virgin 💋

Watermelon Sugar

Take on Me

My Type (frat!au) - part 2(💋)

Build Me Up Buttercup ☔

Mr Blue Sky

Strong (male!reader,☔)

Waterloo (frat!tom 💋)

Nice To Meet Ya 💋 (fwb!au)

Lights Up ☔

Star Girl (☔💋 )

Mr Brightside 💋 

Sex On Fire 💋 

Spotify Wrapped ‘21 (TBA) 

no body, no crime (detective!Tom)

Invisible String

AU Blurb Event 

Siren!Tom

Wizard!Tom (hogwarts!au)

Werewolf!Tom (x vampire!reader)

Birthmark soulmate!au 

Drummer!Tom

Strictly Come Dancing!au (dancer!Tom)

Text Edits

34+35 text prank (💋)

WAP text prank (💋)

Drunk texting ex!tom (☔)

Title Challenge (You send me titles and I wrote a story I tought fit)

Sometimes, Shit Happens

Why

The Sun, the Stars and the Moon

Headcanons:

Tom taking care of you

Tom and Haz’ genius coping mechanism (best friend!au)

Mini- how would the guys wear their hogwarts uniforms

[leotisticalsiren]

A Chaotic HoO Friendsmas (headcanon)

- everyone decides to spend Friendsmas together this year. They all decide to go to Jason and Pipers.

- Of course Piper orders that PJ’s must be worn. They all agree that Secret Santa is the way to go about gifts. She’s probably in the most festive spirit along with Percy.

- Piper decorates her and Jasons place extremely well. Everything from the lights to the tree are decorated in the most aesthetically pleasing way. Everything is color coordinated. Assuming Jason had no input, silver and light pink are the colors for this year.

- They plan to meet for 6. Frank and Hazel arrive first, followed by Percy and Annabeth. Leo, Nico, and Will arrive later.

- Of course games are involved, who doesn’t love to compete?

- They start with some BP. Assuming beer isn’t the preferred choice of the group, they substitute beer for a seltzer like Trulys or White Claw.

- They all decide to drink since they’re spending the night. The first to play are Percy and Nico.

-Bets are placed. Jason, Frank, Leo, and Piper think Percy will win. Percy is feeling a bit betrayed that Annabeth would pick Nico. She replies with, “Have you seen this kid play before? I’m just saying... he’s intense.”

-The group agrees and Percy Scoffs. Of course, 15 minutes later, Nico pulls through with a win against Percy. Losing group takes shots.

- Piper is a lightweight. We all know that. Annabeth decides to join her best friend in the living room as they both take enough shots to be anything but sober.

- The rest of the group comes in the living room after both Will and Hazel are the crowned BP champs. (Don’t ask why I just feel like these two would crush everyone)

-Annabeth, letting loose in what feels like forever, is a bit drunk. Everyone loves drunk Annabeth. This girl is an extremely confident drunk, and Percy enjoys it more than she does.

-She decides to play Christmas music and some 2000s hits, and her and Piper dance as if they’re performing at the Super Bowl halftime show.

-Seeing Annabeth like this gives Percy the ultimate rush of serotonin. Her blonde locks are moving everywhere as she’s moving everywhere on the living room floor. Little did the group know: Annabeth is a performer.

- Piper and Hazel decide to join, and the boys decide that Destiny’s Child made a guest appearance at this years Friendsmas.

- Jason, Will, and Leo are in the corner making TikToks. Leo is a tiktok pro. You can’t convince me otherwise.

-Frank, Nico, and Percy are in the kitchen baking. Blue food dye is involved. The three are having a great convo, interrupted by Hazel coming to the kitchen with an air guitar followed by Annabeth with the mic. Frank laughs and Percy is quite happy, and enthused to see his girlfriend so eccentric.

-Percy himself had 2 shots. Not drunk nor tipsy, but a bit buzzed. Despite his past with Gabe and alcohol, he drinks, but does so very responsibly. He’s more of a stoner per say.

- Did I mention stoner? Yeah. Nico, Frank, and Percy smoke before baking, so the high is really enhancing their baking skills.

- Percy turns away from baking and sprints to the living room as if a monster is attacking. But, Promisicous by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland comes on. ( I’m a strong believer that Percy and Annabeth love this song.)

-Because of Percy’s sprint to the living room, everyone rushes to see what the commotion is about. But no, Annabeth and him decide to take over Friendsmas by absolutely bodying Promiscuous.

- Percy thinks Annabeth is more attractive than ever as she’s flipping her hair and looking him in the eyes while singing Nelly Furtado’s line. “Promiscuous boy, you already know, That I'm all yours, what you waiting for?”

- Annabeth feels absolutely electric as her boyfriend grabs her by the waist. She thinks Percy looks Godlike as he follows up to her line with Timbaland’s part. “Promiscuous girl, you're teasin' me! You know what I want, and I got what you need!”

- The rest of the group is absolutely dying of laughter, questioning if the couple is influenced by the alcohol or each other. Either way, the energy is contagious and everyone else joins in. Even Nico.

- Will grabs his boyfriend and forces him to dance. Usually, Nico would protest, but the weed and alcohol decide for him.

- Leo is taking pics on his Polaroid camera. He plans on uploading the pics to his film account on Instagram, where he posts film pictures of mems. The account name is @valdezonfilm

- After what we can consider the club scene, The friend group exchanges their gifts.

- The most memorable gift was Jason’s from Nico. A Brick and Stapler.

-They then decide to make gingerbread houses. They’re divided into teams.

- Percy, Nico, Frank, and Piper are one team. Hazel, Annabeth, Will, and Leo are on the other.

- Team 1 complains because Annabeth is an architect, while Leo is practically Bob the builder. They of course win.

- After the festivities, they decide to watch a movie. The movie in question? Home alone.

- The lingering alcohol in Jason’s system has him feeling a bit playful. Him and Piper go to their bedroom to say the least.

- Both Nico and Will are being as wholesome as ever. Theyre cuddling and having a soft conversation. Frank and Hazel find it so endearing.

-Them two are definitely the parents of the group. Theyre cuddling and talking, of course watching the movie.

-Annabeth and Percy are considerably the most gone. Annabeth is very giggly, and Percy and her are laughing at almost every single thing. Theyre of course engulfed in each other. Percy and her are also occasionally making out on the couch.

- “Get a room you two!” Leo of course says while snapping some pics of the moment so he can show at the eventual wedding.

- Percy looks at Annabeth after Leo’s request, and let’s just say the two got a room.

- and that friends, Is a very chaotic HoO Christmas.

[garlic-but-gay]

Mixing gingerbread mountain dew with Sprite and a tiny bit of jack daniel's makes lacroix. This information is brought to you by my stoner boyfriend at 12:48 AM