Got home from NY last night, slept 5 hours, then gave my heart at a conference this morning. A gentlemen shared afterwards that he was glad to have heard me speak for himself, because a board member had been dragging my name saying “Shan can give to domestic violence but he can’t give to us”. He said, now I can’t wait to go back and tell that guy he’s wrong. Honestly, it hurt to hear that. Message to myself: you can’t please everybody bruh! #humbled #prayforme #stillhurts #whenyoucareyoucare https://www.instagram.com/p/Ci5er5ku_9F/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
playing video games then checking tumblr for a second out of reflex and then getting beyond triggered by a SELF HELP POST. WHAT? (it was meant to be assistance for internal communication i believe? we have lost the post by now)
(we are mostly over it now? it was an hour ago . stillhurts the brain ow)
I've had a migraine for the last 12 days. I think it's 12, I have lost count. My head hurts. I'm dizzy and neaseated all the time. I can't be human through a whole work day. I'm toast by 3. I eat one meal a day. I cook dinner for the kids, but I can't stay sitting up after 5. I thought I was getting better and then today I nearly fell over sitting down after my shower and my words got muddy and I forgot what was going on for a minute. My amazing girlfriend reminded me that it was ok to take the night off and to be present with myself. She told me to take care of me. To lay down and to just settle. I can be present with myself and be present in my healing. It is OK to ask for what I need and to take instead of just give. I have the best girlfriend in the world and while it isn't always a relationship that makes sense it I'm beyond grateful for my girlfriend and someday when I get this whole brain exploding thing under control I will repay the favor. #lgbtqfamily #migraine #thisisrough #exhausted #mygirlfriendisthebest #healing #presentinhealing #presentforme #ineedanap #stillhurt https://www.instagram.com/p/CKiBQLCFbEM/?igshid=6htueg1gn0ay
So I was watching Robin Hood Prince of Thieves on repeat last couple days cause it is one of my favorite movies and it has been upsetting me...watching Alan Rickman in anything tends to upset me now even all these years later. I'm not over his death nor do I think I ever will be. He shaped my life in a way I didn't even realize till he had passed. My taste in men is based on him, the characters I loved so much like Severus Snape that he brought to life, have stayed with me as comfort characters...but sense he passed they bring little comfort...its like the pain of losing a close friend and someone very dear in my life...
His death caused me to go through a major depression for many many months and I finally was able to watch one of his movies all the way thru last year...it didn't help. He won't star in new movies, he won't voice new characters....and the characters he plays usually have a tendency of dying in the movies which hurts...I know its a character and a fictional death, but it feel like losing him again....and again...and again...
I found myself crying like a baby tonight cause of the sheriffs death....which I had never done before....I mean yeah I always had a crush on the sheriff but never cried...nor with Hans Gruber did I cry...or even Rasputin...but I admit I cried for Snape...
Even his fictional death hurts...
I hope he knew how loved he really was by his fans and I hope he still knows we miss him to this day. Alan, you were the start of amazing points in my life and times I will never forget. Thank you for everything. ❤