#still want a tattoo or two of certain lyrics I love

[mer-se]

For what it's worth, I'd tear the sun in three, to light up your eyes.

My boys still got it. 🖤

[anadiasmount]

what we started - jude bellingham x reader.

quick sum: based on this request! while you expected it, you didn’t anticipated it for it to hurt this much. when you’re at you’re lowest is it possible for him to lift you back up? to continue his promise of his underlying love for you? even though he's your brother's best friend?

wc: 4.2k | masterlist | jude’s masterlist

psa🗣️: HAIII!! missed you all! hope everyone spent their breaks and or holidays well spent! here’s a brothers bsf trope fic just bc 🤭 jealous jude and slightly possesive if you squint. bold+italics are lyrics from cool about it by boygenious! i hope you enjoy!🤍

you let out a breath of fresh air, more than thankful to finally get out for winter break. It was a long semester, and don't get started on finals week. you felt like your head would explode any second if you didn't get home in the next hour. no more studying and notes for the next two weeks, just finally getting to sleep in and relax. 

the trip home was easy and quick to your surprise, giving you a chance to get some snacks along the way so you could eat while watching a movie later on. you blocked out any noise from outside, listening to the song cool about it by boygenious which played loudly on your phone, was it a good idea even though your head hurt? yes, yes it was. 

your eyebrows squinted at the amount of cars parked in the driveway and sidewalk. quickly realizing that your brother's friends and yours were here. you groan inwardly, finally thinking you had a moment of peace but were proven wrong. as much as you loved them, and still a certain individual, you wanted to be alone for the night. just you and your stuffed animals. 

before opening the door, a sudden wave of nervousness arrived upon you. your body was telling you to go inside and greet everyone, but then again your head spoke differently and decided to make you overthink. as you reached for the knob you pulled your hand back, was he here? the man you'd avoided since he broke up with you three months ago? 

jude. he was all you thought about despite it hurting. he was a forbidden man you couldn't date, made clear by your brother especially. yet that didn't stop you from going to him. to start a relationship that soon went south. not even a year you lasted together. it was all too complicated for you and him. the man you once snuck into your room so you could spend time with, could now be standing inside the door in front of you. 

with much bravery and courage, and a little pep talk you unlocked the door and felt the warm air rush upon you. you quickly turned to the rack and took off your scarf and long trench coat, fixing the material so you could avoid the cheers and greetings from your friends behind you. you wiped your hands on your jeans smiling and waving at everyone. 

“y/n! you made it!” your friend spoke as she rushed over and almost tumbled you to the ground. “yes i’m here, finally out for the break,” you let out hugging her tight as you still avoided the other faces. you looked around and saw everyone, your heart beating quicker as you locked eyes with familiar brown ones. the ones that taunted your dreams and in real life. 

the unwanted memories of when you were together, the first night at the bar where he’d seen you after so long, the sneaking around to avoid getting caught but added a thrill, the late-night kisses mixed with ice cream, going to his home to see his family, and that night he cut things off, leaving you speechless and thinking you were the reason for it. your chest tightened at the familiar memories, blinking away the tears and thoughts of the things that once happened. 

met you at the dive bar to go shoot some pool. and make fun of the cowboys with the neck tattoos. ask you easy questions about work and school.

you looked away rapidly, but jude's gaze followed you to where you were now seated on the couch, unable to look away. despite it being only three months, you looked so pretty and beautiful to him, your hair slightly longer than last time, still his y/n. your brother's little sister that he grew up along with. the one he teased and made fun of till he realized that was no longer the case. maturing was realizing that all along it was you that brought out the best in him. 

you spoke quietly among with the girls, discussing future plans for the new year, going shopping, to dinner, maybe travel somewhere, and go clubbing to find you a man, your friends words not yours, to which jude clenched his jaw tight. he didn't care if it was only three months, it still bothered him to hear you speak of any man that wasn't him. 

jude kept eavesdropping at your conversation with everyone, even though he was playing video games with your brother. “we're so glad you are here! We missed you so much it felt like ages the last time we saw you, since you're either busy with school or alone in your room,” your friend said which made you giggle nervously and play with your charm bracelet. 

jude kept quiet but kept sideyeing to see your every move. he knew you didn't feel comfortable, and slightly anxious at the amount of people surrounding you that kept asking you questions. if you were together still, he would have pulled you away from everyone making an excuse to be alone. but that wasn't the case anymore and here he was listening to your quiet and shy voice. “we just ordered pizza and wings. will you be joining us?” ask your friend. 

“uhm not tonight. i have plans made already with a uni lad, to go out for celebratory drinks, and i promised him i would go,” you said making your friend let out a small protest, but then gasp. “is he the guy you were telling me about? tall and wavy hair? the finance student?” your other friend asked in a small whisper, to which you nodded slowly and looked away embarrassed. 

jude smiled painfully, leaning back onto the couch, his tongue poking the inside of his cheek, then biting the inside of his lip. he was having a hard time controlling his facial expressions, eyes digging holes into you, anger and jealousy washed upon him, fighting the urge to call you out. although he had no right to talk as he knew he had done the same and hung out with other girls. yet jude still felt hurt, sick to his stomach picturing a different man in your life, the urge to scream, to punch a wall, or maybe himself to knock sense into him. 

i'm trying to be cool about it. feelin' like an absolute fool about it. wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it. tellin' myself i can always do without it. knowin' that it probably isn't true. 

you had to lie on the spot, having to accept jax’s invite for drinks. you could no longer stand looking or being in the same room as him. having to feel his eyes on you every minute that passed by. you felt like crying, it was still fairly new to you, but you couldn't even tell your friends because they didn't know about you or jude. You thought you were safe, that you could've handled it, but your body was continuing to process the break up, to hear and see about the girls he hung out with, that looked nothing like you. 

you tried to forget, to forget him for the sake of your brother and friend group. however seeing him thrive in another country surrounded by the support you craved angered you. you knew part of the breakup was your fault, for failing to communicate, to be there for him. but what about those times you needed him and he wasn't there? even from the start the signs were there, you just let yourself get involved to finally be happy, to have him, to love him. 

but i'm trying to forget about it. feelin' like i'm breaking a sweat about it. wishin' you would kindly get out of my head about it. tellin' myself one day i'll forget about it. knowin' that it probably isn't true. 

after grabbing a quick drink from the kitchen you walked upstairs to your room, quickly glancing at jude who had a foul scowl on his face, cold eyes, and grim mouth. you debated whether you should go or stay here. your thumb hesitated to text jax and let him know you were going. yet again your body was speaking and letting you know it wouldn't be a good idea. 

you felt so out of place and not yourself, the shock of seeing jude still running through your head. you took a seat on the small bench at the end of your bed, head in your hands as you tried to control your breathing and tears that wanted to release. you let out a small gasp at a knock at your door, standing up and wipe away the one tear that let out, being faced with the man you wanted to avoid. 

“y/n…” jude's voice was gentle and soft as he said your name, closing the door and locking it. you ignored him, your hands rubbing your arms as you felt locked in. the world went quiet when he was with you, just the two of you longing for each other. “y/n look at me baby…” his voice rasped out as he walked close to you, but you walked back to create a distance. you painfully laugh and glance up, the lights suddenly dim. “you shouldn't be here, collin can walk in at any minute,” you remark. 

and now i have to act like i can't read your mind. i ask you how you're doing and i let you lie. but we don't have to talk about it. 

“i don’t care. let him walk in.” 

“jude-”

“i wanna talk, please? i know this feels strange, trust me i feel the same, but it's what we need,” jude says in a relaxed manner, making you mad at the audacity he had to demand things. “no it's what you need. trust me i'm fine, more than okay at where we currently stand,” you say smiling angrily. jude cocked his head to the side, becoming slightly agitated. “really? you wanna do this? i'm not okay where we stand, if anything i want to fix this, us, for the sake of our friends,” he spits out. 

“you want to come in here, and “try” to fix things for our friends?” you quote with your fingers and scoff, “that's the only thing that ever mattered to you! what everyone thinks, your friends, family, your fans, it's all you care about,” you said loudly, running a hand along your forehead and massaging your temples feeling your headache come back. 

“seriously, you wanna bring that up right now?” he looked away laughing, before bringing his attention back to you. you rolled your eyes at his attitude, shaking your head and playing with your charm bracelet once again. this was another reason probably, the constant arguments that you had together that made it not work. “you wanted to talk, so yeah i did bring that up.”

“fine let's talk about jack? or was it jax? the finance student you're going out with tonight? how do you want me to be cool about it? how would your brother feel if i told him?” jude crossed his arms, waiting for you to answer as a few moments of silence passed by. “you're being unreasonable. what does that have to do with our friends?” you asked with a face plastered with confusion.

“for starters, he's going to be around us if you date him,” your eyes widened at his words lips pursing open but continued to listen to him. “i think collin would love to know about this as well. and i wanna know who he is. who is this jax?” jude asked carefully furrowing his brows in a questioning manner, but it made you clench your jaw and swallow the hurtful words that wanted to be spilled. 

i'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning. tellin' you it's nice to see how good you're doing. even though we know it isn't true. 

“you have no right to ask me anything anymore? you broke up with me remember?” you pointed at yourself as you walked closer to him. “i get what i did wasn’t what you expected but do you really want me to sit here and tell you it doesn’t hurt to see you hook up with different girls? it’s a date jude. a date.” 

you grabbed your jacket and sighed in disbelief. you wanted to leave as soon as possible, you loved your friends but right now you wanted to be far from jude. even three months after breaking up, it felt freshly new to see him again. it ripped open the old scars and you weren’t used to it. before you could leave, jude stopped you by the door. 

“it’s not fair. i used to beg to get your attention, for you to talk to me! all i asked was to talk! a minute out your day, to tell me how you felt to hear your voice! you think it doesn’t hurt me? to see you move on? to hear from our friends, not from you, OUR friends, that you’re going on a date?” jude spit out with fury, and now you were becoming afraid that your friends downstairs would hear you guys. especially collin. 

“we didn’t work jude! you said so yourself that night. you didn’t give me a chance for me to explain myself! you thought of you and only you! i’m sorry i couldn’t give you what you wanted, i tried i did! but you were never there!” you said loudly, the bubble in your throat increasing by the second. 

“you never gave me the chance. you always had the mindset my brother would find out about us, and that’s the only thing that mattered to you! we couldn’t go out, and when we tried it was always an excuse for each of us. we weren’t meant to be,” you said without of breath, your heart now beating faster. 

“so now it’s my fault?” jude scoffed in disbelief, and threw his hands in the air desperately. 

“you’re being ridiculous,” you threw your head back in annoyance, “i'm trying to tell you how i feel about it all. it's what you're asking right? for me to be open with you even though it's too late? we both know jude, i don’t know why you keep wasting your time with me. like you said that night, to you i will always be collin’s little sister,” you say, your voice breaking. jude felt like he would break, to see you crying again, he wanted to take it all back, that night back, and fight for you harder. 

“y/n-”

“you’ll never understand what’s its like. to not be able to have your voice heard? to be that child that’s just there? to have so many people come over but greet you because they feel forced to. is that why you dated me, because you felt sorry for me?” you asked, jude immediately shaking his head. 

a knock came from the door, you and jude quickly glanced at each other worried, “i’m sorry to disturb, but collin came back from outside and he’s asking for you jude,” your friend said with a low voice, giving you a small smile reassuring you she wouldn't say anything about what she heard. “don’t worry, we were just finished, he’s all yours jude,” you said sarcastically, then walked down the stairs as jude chased you after you. 

there was still so much to be said, and he didn't want you to leave thinking he was only with you because of that. it wasn’t true, he was with you because he loved you. not because you were his little sister or because he felt sorry for you, but because for once in his life he finally found someone who brought more happiness to him than anyone else could. 

“maybe it's for the best,” your friend spoke quietly to him, patting a hand on his shoulder. jude watched you walk out again from his life, this time you weren't standing alone, but instead with a man who could probably give you all you deserved. although he still refused to lay on these terms, no matter who you were with, a part of you will always be linked to him. 

“jude hurry up man! the game is starting soon!,” he was forced out of his thoughts, sending a false smile to your oblivious brother. collin had no idea of the two of you, and never suspected anything which made jude’s guilt rise even more. even after repeatedly saying you were off limits, something about you couldn't keep jude away. he knew it was wrong, to fall for his best mate's sister, but why did it feel so right? like you were the person destined to meet jude?

you wouldn’t even give jax a chance even if he was the last man on earth. despite being the perfect match for you, something inside you always loved jude. you had two boyfriends before jude, and the each taught you something. at the early stages with jude, it felt careless, two rebel teens chasing for love. but you wanted security, and you struggled to communicate that, pushing him away because you could never fully speak it or let it be known. 

the so-called date went fine, but your mind kept tracing back to seeing jude after three months, him in your room, his tearful eyes watching you leave to be here with jax. it pained you to see him hurt again because of you again. you also knew it wasn't right to lead jax on, to be here so you could escape the curly-headed man that was probably still at your home. 

jax did understand though, a man can always sense when a woman isn't interested, and the last thing he wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable or forced. after a long shared night filled with laughter and deep talks, he kissed your cheek and wished you the best of luck. “If you need anything, please dont hesitate to reach out, okay?” he gave you knowing eyes, making you laugh an nod. 

“thank you once again! be safe! and let me know when you are home!” you waved him goodbye and unlocked the door to your home for the second time that evening. it was around eleven pm, the cars that once filled your driveway were gone. you sighed comfortably at the house being silent, thankful the living room was cleaned, and the kitchen besides the dishes. 

you still weren't sleepy, as you were used to being up at this time to review material for your classes. you quickly washed them, and also dried a set of laundry to be fixed in the morning. you went upstairs and took a quick shower with hot water to soothe the aching muscles and headache. after changing into a silk camisole, you get startled by the doorbell. You tuck yourself into the covers like a little kid, reaching for your phone as it buzzed. 

open the door for me. i'm outside. 

you let out a deep breath, quickly slipping downstairs and opening the door letting jude in who was now wearing a full black nike tracksuit. your eyes stared into his intently, feeling your pulse race just by looking at his handsome features. “you’re back again?” you asked quietly walking back upstairs, jude following behind. 

“we didn’t get to finish talking. i didn't want to go back to spain the way were,” he replied closing the door and walked over to where you were sat, on the small bench by your bed. you stared at the ground, as jude rubbed his hand on your thigh in a comfort manner. he let out a deep sigh that made you lean your head on his shoulder.  

“it wasn’t true. i didn’t date you because i felt sorry for you. i fell over heels for the woman who once in my life loved me for who i was, and gave me the chance to be who i am without caring. i know it seemed like i cared about others, but all i wanted was to protect you from the harm they could do to us. but in the end it was us who caused it,” jude joked which made you let out a stifled small laugh. 

“i'm sorry y/n. for what i said to you that night and those past times. if i could take it all back i would. you didn't deserve that, and it hurts me because i'm the reason for it, “ jude said painfully, he struggled to find the words. you pulled back from his shoulder, walking around to sit yourself on his lap, to wipe the tear that escaped his pretty brown eyes. he had been crying before coming here, his eyes sunken and bloodshot red. “don’t cry jude…”

“do you still love me?” he asked unsurely, biting his lip. he looked up almost taking your silence as a painful answer, but was rewarded with you nodding. “so so much, i can’t not stop loving you and its scary because we both live different worlds. those times where you just wanted a small answer and i couldn't give it to you? i'm sorry for making you feel like that, for not making you feel wanted, i thought… i thought…” you sniffled and broke into a small sob, tears coming down your cold cheeks. 

“hey, hey, hey, shh baby it's okay… just take deep breaths… it's just me and you okay?” jude gabbed your hands and kissed them gently, “don't blame just yourself, we both faulted our breakup, it wasn't meant to be then, but now that we learned from that we can avoid it,” he said with a small sad smile. 

“when you left again, everything felt unexplored and out of place. i sat by my window and lingered for you to come back, like those times you snuck in here… i took lengthier ways to school to avoid the areas we once walked by. i even ate those stupid gummy worms you love so much,” you said sniffling and laughing. “i can’t do that anymore, because i want you back jude. every second that passed by without you, it hurt me. it still does knowing it feels like were strangers again.”

jude's eyes went wild at your admission, “i get that part of it was because i couldn't communicate, and i'm working on that. you just have to trust me and give me some time, it all felt so rushed and sudden, and i thought you cared about them and not me at times,” you finally said after waiting almost a year to say. 

“i will always care about you. when i left that night i knew i made a mistake. i felt like an idiot because i know you struggled at times to say what you wanted. and i know i only thought of me but i promise it isnt going to be like that anymore, baby. as long as we can work and talk it out, that's what matters most to us right?” you nodded to his question. 

“no more caring about what they think. as long as were both happy and in love, it will keep me sane. that day will come, but when times right,” jude continued referring to telling your friends and brother. “i hope you know i don't regret a single thing of it, for falling in love with you despite you being my best friend's sister,” he smirked. “good because at the end of the day, knowing its forbidden, it feels right being with you like this. here alone where it's just us…” you say shyly. 

“my shy girl still hasn't changed has she? still so shy that she can't even look at me properly when i’m trying to admire her beauty,” jude teased you which made you shake your head. “although she wasn't so shy when she left for jack? or was it jax?” jude frowned. “he’s nothing, just an excuse for me to not see you…” you smiled evilly as you confessed. 

“so nothing’s going on with you and jack? or jax was it?” he asked teasingly, making you smack his shoulder playfully. “no now stop i before it does become something serious,” you warn him to which he gives you a taken-at-back look. “not while you’re still mine baby… always have been and always will be. let jack or jax know that, ” jude said seriously, kissing your jawline. 

you sunk into his warm embrace, feeling at home and safe in his arms. “who would’ve thought i’d be with my brother's best friend huh?” you say feeling his warm soft lips trace from your jaw to your lips. “definitely not me,” jude said shaking his head no, paying attention to the small shiver you released as he kissed your pulse. you had to hold back the small moan that wanted to release at his next words and movements. 

“kiss me y/n. exactly how you want and need.” 

[not-goldy]

God I can't really stand JK anymore.

Everything regarding him went a downhill since 2023. The way he behaved changed a lot.. LIKE A LOT now he's way cockier as if no one in the whole world can top him and he doesn't need to listen to anyone giving even good advises, how he used to present himself and looked changed drastically now he looks like a junkie, how he used to perform changed so much now he doesn't half half the energy or stage presence and doesn't give af about making mistake a ton times while before he used to perform with extreme perfection. He's listening to their PR teams too much like where did I go live when I miss fans went ? Now he's listening to their cheap promo tricks. His work ethics is completely opposite from what BTS was.. he's working with payola king of the whole industry and buying success. Releasing a 100 version and a western collab with some B grade pop artist. The songs he releasing are basically shit now when he used to release magic shop, film out, your eyes tell and still with you kind of gems.

The ONLY thing connecting me to him now is Jimin. There's no way to avoid JK when you are a Jimin stan. But i'm WAITING for the day Jimin finally open his eyes and get out of this toxic relationship so I don't want to put up with him anymore.

You see, your problem is that Jungkook is not Jimin. That's your problem. Half way through your comment, I smiled to myself and I thought well this Anon would certainly love Jimin then if these are the qualities they looking for in an idol. only to get to the end of the Ask to find out you actually do like Jimin💀

That complicates things for me.

Where should I even begin

There's nothing wrong with having a preference. There's nothing wrong with having a bias.

I'm not gonna come for your throat on this.

You prefer Jimin's work ethics and prefer how seriously he takes his public relations, how he puts on effort and that's alright.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO HATE JUNGKOOK just because he's not YOUR PREFERENCE.

If you keep that up you and I gon have a problem.

Do I think Jungkook can take a page or two out of the Jimin idol manual? Sure.

As much as I looove seeing Jungkook live his life on his own terms not giving a fuck what anyone cares- some times, in certain areas I do think he could use that self regulation.

Yet on the other hand, I don't find Jimin's over regulation appealing either. I've ever said his kumbaya persona, caring too much what others think, trying to be perfect, self regulated, evolved, controlling his words, his attention, being overly polite, smiling when he should be cussing people out all in the name of his consciousness of the fact he is an idol really REALLY FRUSTRATES ME.

Jimin struggles with this. The never mind tattoos, the song lyrics yearning for freedom, set me free- where do you think that comes from?

I don't know how we can call ourselves stans and not sense some of these things: the members constantly telling him not to care what people would think, to do whatever he wants,- even Jungkook openly reminding him HE IS AN ADULT and shouldn't care about certain things.

Jungkook is good for Jimin and Jimin is good for Jungkook.

Jimin is the leash and restrain Jungkook needs and Jungkook is the freedom Jimin craves.

Please don't come for jikook I'll paint you and it ain't going to be pretty.

Also remember, this is a human being you are talking about. He is not an alien. He is human just like you. That vitriol and animosity towards him is so not necessary.

I can't help you unhate him.

But please, be a good human.

He is a relatively young man navigating overwhelming situations. I personally think going solo has taught him so much and there is much more he'd learn along the way.

And please, it's slander to say he half ass his performance- have you seen his tiktok? THE THIBGS HE CAN DO WITH HIS WAIST- MY GOD!

Oh and did you see Tae's smoke challenge? I may or may not be addicted to the part he wines his waist- lolay lolay lolay

Sorry I had to go and watch that clip again.

Liste, the point I'm making here is, It's his journey and his choice to decide the type of idol he wants to be. You may like it or you may not. That's a you problem. However he's responsible for his own reputation and his own success in the industry and I think he is still learning to hone his values and filter his choices through those values.

Give that man a break .

AND FREE JUNGKOOK.

Peace out

[kanmom51]

Letter - the lyrics that didn't make it

The draft lyrics that didn't make the final cut.

Who hugged me tightly

Only you who Protected me

Who only protected me

Who held my hand

Who held my hand tightly

You who reached out me

who held out your hand to me

Who held out his hand

To you who looked at me greatly

Funny thing.

I had this one open on my laptop, I was sure I posted this, but hadn't (?), and good thing I hadn't yet.

Because since I put this together I came by @minggukieology 's post. I think that she explains just how important the wording here is and just how intimate JM's words in this draft were.

This part especially hits hard:

As we've all seen today once more (with the Face playlist) JM is very very calculated in the sense that he puts thought into everything he expresses artistically. Like Philip Johnson's piece was not there by mistake or randomly placed, so was his use of that word in that context.

The one and only...

Kind of hard for me to get that one out of my head.

But he didn't use those words in the final lyrics because of just how obvious it would be.

K-JKKs are not conflicted here. They don't see this as a letter to army at all.

Knowing language and cultural context is super important. It's also important to understand said context and not utilize it half way to suit a certain theory or narrative you want to put in place.

The name of the song is Letter, not Letters.

Addressed to either Army or JK, can't have it both ways. Either or.

And if we are listening to Karmy, why listen half way? Listen to them all the way.

They know who this letter is addressed to.

They said it perfectly:

It's a letter for JK (a hidden song for a hidden couple), hence JK joining JM in the song too, but it's disguised as a song for Army.

Plausible deniability.

Or has it been such a long time since we've had JM and JK in one frame that we forgot about that one. You know, even when stretching the boundaries doing it in a way that can always allow falling back on a more or less plausible explanation or excuse.

JM is the mastermind in knowing just how far to stretch the boundaries. And with Face and Letter he's stretched them real real far, like rubber band can snap in a second far. Funny how still such a big part of the fandom are unwilling to see his message, his queer coding. At this point I think that even if that rubber band tears/breaks I-army will be standing there holding on to both ends to make sure it doesn't fall apart.

JM and JK are lovers.

JM and JK are intimate.

JM and JK are and have been in a long term love/romantic relationship for years now. In my books, for over 7 years now.

I kind of don't understand those that are unwilling to accept that. Take that extra step from "great friends" to life partners, at this stage.

"Great friends", as close as they may be, don't suck on each other's ears, don't give each other hickey's, don't tattoo the other's name on their hand (if a friend does that, well they need to look real deep inside themselves and understand that it's way more than friendship they are feeling). There are so many other behaviours we see with these two, towards each other and towards others that are clear proof they are not just "great friends". Why is it so hard for some to take that leap? Is it the fear of labeling? These two can't say it out loud. They just can't. Closeted queer couple in SK. Two mega stars months away from enlisting into military service. But with that they have sent us every single possible clue telling us they are queer and a couple. They want those that will accept and support them to see THEM.

Guys, what was TTU Seoul 2019 all about if not their defiance and telling us they are together and want us to love them, accept them?

I digress, I know.

Point being, they are together, a couple, for years, and Letter, it's JM's song for JK, you know, the one he told us in 2016 that he would write to the person he loved. His forever person.

[hannahssimblr]

can you put on your creative director / marketing hat and talk about the cover art for lucky boy (and/or both) 🎤

!!! I've actually never been asked about visuals before this is so fun!!

Okay! So here's the cover in question

Honestly I love this and I was really proud of how it turned out.

The raw & more detail is below the cut

Alright! so the idea for this was that it's simply an image of Jude: finally free!

Here he is backpacking in Thailand which he hasn't done yet as of the date of this post, but Lucky Girl readers will know that he eventually Does Do That.

You can tell by his hair here too that he's older. He has this haircut when he reunites with Evie briefly in 2012, so I imagine this trip took place sometime around summer-autumn 2011.

To be honest the whole purpose of Lucky Boy was as sort of an extension of the original story for Lucky Girl readers who wanted more in-depth detail about Jude's life, more than what he ever had the time to tell Evie during her portion of the story, so for that reason the story is filled with little hints of what we know will happen, as well as nods to specific things about him that some have already learned - Like, how the story opens with him getting both ears pierced. The fact that he was a boy with two (and eventually 3) piercings was something that Evie found particularly cute and unique about him, and it's something he references in jest from time to time. ("haven't you seen my cute little earrings?")

Anyway, Thailand is where he gets that rather meaningless forearm tattoo, but it's also a place where he spends a lot of time alone. He does travel with a friend, but said friend is holed up with food poisoning for a significant chunk of the trip, which makes me quite certain that Jude spent a lot of time doing a lot of thinking. I'll explore this more in the actual story when I get there, but it's worth pointing out that when Evie meets him after this trip she notices a certain calmness in him, and like he's lost a lot of the boyish energy ("I realise I am looking at a man"). I feel like this trip is somewhat responsible for that.

He's also, clearly, facing away from the camera, which is probably self explanatory. In the chapter with Jen's birthday, as they take the train to the aquarium in Bray he waxes lyrical (as usual, yawn!) about his preference to sit facing the engine, never looking back. It's the same in this image. He is always moving forward.

YET - that is his school bag. (It is the wrong colour, yes, i didn't have the recoloured version when i made this poster lmao) so there's a sense that he's still in some way tied to childhood, to the things that are unresolved. Lucky Girl readers already know what (and who) those things are but I'll develop all that further from my controllers seat here inside Jude's brain.

"It seems like we wanted the same thing (...) Not to grow up too quickly, like, to be allowed to just be a kid.”

Also - the toy attached to it represents Ivy. It's never explicitly stated in the story, but I think it's probably not in his character to have something like that on his bag unless it was gifted from someone important. So, he's carrying her with him too on his travels.

Now, for the artistic stuff (eek!)

I chose this pinky purple as the base colour by messing around with some hard light blending and the colour balance adj. because it creates that kinda fantasy feeling, like wonder and/or enlightenment is ahead, which hopefully for our dumb boy, it is. Purple is also often used in graphic design to indicate creativity, which is apt, seeing as he's an artist and all that.

I slapped in some sun in the corner ala 3 year old child's drawing, and added the text in yellow for no reason other than it's a complementary colour, and it picks up some of the yellows in the image.

Then added a text gradient to blend it in better and a little drop shadow effect

And finally some grain, paper texture and rounded corners because I wanted it to feel tangible, that sweet, nostalgic 35mm camera effect, or like a postcard.

and that's it!!

This was so fun, you know I love 2 yap and you gave me a platform to do so.

Thanks so much for your question!

[pigeonxp]

my fav lyrics from all hell, as of my first (technically second) listen

in italics are my absolute fav lyrics of the entire album

This is not including the instrumentals as they dont have lyrics (ovbiously) but just know that they were life changing and absolutely magnificent and very very dear to me.

The Coin-Op Guillotine

☆ "Your eyes glazed over while you sat unlistening / you said your head's on fire and every thought is kindling / a tired life is a wild ride for the saddest boy on the waterslide / when the breadcrumbs only lead to where you've been"

☆ "Heart erupts and the pavement splatters / i think i'm right, i don't think it matters"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Holy Smokes (2005)

☆ "Forward, morning after, cleanse your sins inside a dock dry bath tub / between the hunt sabs, ACABs, sobbing, being sick / hearing your name in the chorus left me prostrate in the pit"

☆ "You're the only thought in my head / you're the only thought i've got left in my head"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

 A Psychic Wound

☆ "They say put him down, a sickly dog, but competition's healthy / coffee rings, a perfect circle, i appreciate the beauty / do you still have that one tattoo? / that's how it works, of course you do"

☆ "it's a psychic wound you can't conceal / closing, opening, never heals"

☆ "if you're not the one that's leaving, you're the one that's left behind"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

I. Spit; or, a Bite Mark in the Shape of the Sunflower State

☆ "I'm sure of this as i'm of you: / spit will mend the bruise"

☆ (basically the whole song. this one was life changing i fear)

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Long Throes

☆ "Thought your heart was broken, but it's only yearning"

☆ "Me and my friends are sadists, backbreakers for spineless / wish 'em dead and then we'll put it in a song"

☆ "anxieties and maladies are falling out of love"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Feast of Tongues   

☆ "Swear i'd live through all of your nightmares if it meant that i could sleep okay"

☆ "I want the trust of every animal / gonna bay for the blood of those that are hurting ya / when the black cloud comes, if one flame flickers / we will feast on the tongues of the last bootlickers"

☆ "...grab you by the hips and say it's you that i'm grateful for"

☆ "To the tune of a national anthem / of a country that didn't survive / in a language i've learned and forgotten / i'll stay home, keep the garden alive"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

The Order of the Seasons

☆ "While the happiness ain't certain, you know heartbreak's guaranteed" 

☆ "It's been many years, since i played a high-line / they ask you how you feel, you say "i feel fine" / the order of the seasons depends on when you're born / i start count in winter, and heading for a fall"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

To Hell in a Handjob

☆ "The Sky's a pall, our blooming bodies wilt (an endless nothing)"

☆ "There's grief within my flesh and bones / cut me, watch the sorrow flow / floating in the flood now / floating in the flood now"

☆ "Mortal joy, so close to heaven / if i'm first punch, you're two to seven"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Clown Blood; or, Orpheus' bobbing Head 

☆ "God only knows i am scurrilously making this about me"

☆ "She fucks to cum, i drink to be drunk, and both of us are wasted"

☆ "Parasocial puppet master / every sucker in between / sacrificial muppet pastor / to a thousand needy teens"

☆ "Orpheus' head bobs in the ocean / i admit it takes one to know one"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

kms

☆ "No lie, i would lay down my life / for any rat in the road / yeah i, i'd lay down my life for you / depressive episode"

☆ "it's a medical condition to hold such inhibitions / second serving, sophomore slump / (so called 'cause you suffer more)"

☆ "i truly hope that both our luck is out / i'd kill myself if he won"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Moonstruck

☆ "When the light falls i illuminate / i am moonstruck, it's a welcome fate"

☆ "night takes color from the dusk now / paints it crimson in my jaw (I tumble from the pedestal)"

☆ "It's hard to find the romance / in a town not known for sunsets"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

0898 HEARTACHE

☆ "You are the sight and seeing, you're a reflection of it"

☆ "Restored to earth, afforded a second birth / dine on my rotten fruit for years to come"

☆ "i'm mouth agape arms open wide, not to receive but crucified"

☆ "0898 HEARTACHE / you're calling me a mistake, just call me if you want a bad time / dial 0898 HEARTACHE / if you're calling me's a mistake, then tell me why we're both still on the line?"

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

Adult Acne Stigmata

☆ "Can you once see what you love / without imagining it gone?"

☆ "You're royal and you're flush / i'm tower, swords, and death"

☆ "Heart swells / you're so beautiful, the sky is blue / but we both know too well / it's all hell"

[ashtray-girl]

Sorry if i'm bothering you but i really wanted to rant abt Johnny and Moz and hear some of your thoughts about these two certain topics that i can't get out of my head:  

I find it incredibly weird that Johnny and Morrissey (as far as we know) never became friends again or never tried to reconcile their relationship after the breakup - like how do you go from being best friends and hanging out with each other 24/7 to "We haven’t known each other for 35 years - which is many lifetimes ago." as Morrissey said on that letter. The strangest part to me is that, since the break up and to this day both Johnny and Moz never hesitate to mention again and again how much their relationship meant to them in the band and how much they loved each other during that period of their lives - i mean the way they describe each other and the words that they use come straight up from a romance novel. Also the fact that Morrissey continued to write songs abt how much Johnny meant to him and like Johnny getting that swallow tattoo on his neck and other weird stuff like why care to mention each other so much and make everything so dramatic when you - as you claim - haven't known each other for a lifetime? And idk on a personal level if it would be me in their situation i would at some point try to fix whatever we had if we obv meant that much to each other after all these years.

In all honestly when i read abt Marrissey Johnny sometimes just comes off as someone who suffered (and maybe still does) from internalised homophobia, when you read the way Moz talks abt him in his lyrics it definitely gives off that vibe "Though she needs you More than she loves you " , "Love is natural and real But not for such as you and I" or "I am born to hang but not to have kids and to never be wed - no, to someone whom I don't even love" and that interview when Moz said that "That perhaps Johnny Marr was in fact madly in love with me, but didn't feel he could act on that - or that he didn't have the courage to ever take it any further?'" And i don't want to seem like i'm trying to bash Angie or anything but i find they way the got married pretty weird and almost rushed in way like would they even get married if Joe Moss hadn't insisted that they do? Even Andy thought it was weird "They got married in some evangelical church. It was pretty bizarre. There were only about 10 of us there, including the crew. The ceremony only lasted about 15 minutes. I was a witness. Afterwards they hired a function room in the hotel and we had champagne and a buffet. It was a nice day, but it was just weird. It didn't seem real. You know what it's like in America - everything's plastic and phoney. It just didn't seem like a proper wedding. No relatives were there."

Anyway sorry for the long rant!! I just wanted to say that i absolutely love your Marrissey ramblings, Have a nice day :)

Hi anon! don't worry you're not bothering me at all, i'm always down to talk abt marrissey haha i'll just have to reply w/2 separate parts bc there's so much i want to say lmao 1. i've been chatting to @loathsome-tonight abt this (comparing notes, so to speak) and both of us agree that the "no-contact" situation after The Smiths' breakup is essentially bullshit, and for quite a few reasons: - first of all, there's proof they were exchanging notes around the time Morrissey was recording Viva Hate - when Johnny Rogan first published his book Morrissey and Marr: The Severed Alliance Morrissey predictably wanted no part in it, and Johnny only got involved bc he felt pressured by the author getting a bit too close to his friends and family. however, once the book came out Johnny apparently felt compelled to call Morrissey and reassure him abt the extent and the reasons of his involvement - when Morrissey released The Last of the Famous International Playboys, Johnny apparently sent him a note to congratulate him on its success - if you've read Morrissey's Autobio, you'll know he sent Johnny a letter in 1992, to which Johnny replied telling him he was sorry for everything that happened and taking "full responsibility". they then met each other and went for a drive on the moors - after that meeting, their relationship seemed to improve. in a 1993 interview for Select, Johnny said: "the relationship between me and Morrissey is the best in the group, of the four of us. i still see him now. i called him last night. last time i saw him was a couple of days before he went to do his recent album. we let a bored media get the better of us, but there's always been a certain telepathy between us even when we didn't see each other. we played a game with the press and they played with us, but it's not true life. no, we're friends." - then, the trial happened. and that's when things went south again between them. being interviewed with Bernard Sumner for The Face in july 1996, and being asked if he and Morrissey were still friends, Johnny said: "not... (pregnant pause) not particularly... [...] if i'm too glib then people think i'm being disrespectful and if i'm too serious they think there's a reconciliation on the cards. i just don't have any feelings about it." except a month earlier, once again being interviewed with Bernard Sumner (for the NME this time) he was playing quite a different tune. asked if he was still in contact with Morrissey, he said: "occasionally. last time we met it was a really nice experience. it was really good to see him, especially since a... a feud that didn't really exist had become public property. and because of the relationship we had it was time to resolve it in private and do something ourselves because it was really quite a serious situation. i was tired of being involved in other people's games and i wanted to do something for us. [...] i know it's interesting for other people, but it's kinda private. i certainly don't wish him - or anyone i've worked with - ill. life's too short." whatever happened between them at that time, it seems like 1996 was quite a turbulent year for their relationship... - years after (seemingly) going their separate ways, in 2008, they met once again. this time in person, in a pub in Manchester. apparently they even talked abt a potential Smiths' reunion, but Johnny already had other engagements with The Cribs, so nothing was done abt it - in recent years, Johnny also mentioned exchanging emails with Morrissey so even tho i highly doubt they're still in contact now, there was definitely a time when they were on speaking terms, even after The Smiths broke up. however, it seems like their relationship was quite volatile and hot and cold, with them being fine one moment and being snarky the next. personally, i've found it surprising how none of the biographers/journos that wrote abt them directly challenged them on this, bc ultimately it's very easily disprovable.

[f1-disaster-bi]

Tag game lunch break spree!!!

Thank you my dearest @rosetinted--clouds for the tag (I hope your LOTR spiral is going well 😂)

1. do you make your own bed?

Yep. I turn into a monster because I make making the bed fun by getting in side the sheets when changing the duvet cover 😂

2. favorite number?

7 or 13

3. what’s your job?

I am a PhD research student full time, and I also work as a teaching assistant running tutorials during the semester for the undergraduates.

4. if you could go back to school, would you?

Once I am done with this PhD in another (hopefully) two years, thats it for me. No more degrees. No more school expcept for working in a university

5. can you parallel park?

Nope. Not a hope. I cannot do it. I can reverse into a spot but I cannot parallel park.

6. do you think aliens are real?

Aliens and Ghosts. 100% I believe they're out there somewhere. Probably laughing at us.

7. can you drive a manual car?

Yep. It's the only car type I've ever driven. I love my little Micra.

8. guilty pleasure?

I love Drag Race. I will binge seasons I've seen multiple times. I know the lyrics to most of the songs written for the show and the musicals.

And yes I'm still mad over certain choices and decisions in the show.

9. tattoos?

I currenty have four. I got my latest in January. I have one on the back of my right leg above my heel (it's a marching tatt with my mam), and the rest are on my arms (left forearm, left inner bicep, back of right bicep)

And my sister and I are planning on matching tattoo's next time I'm in Ireland.

10. favorite color?

Green. I love dark greens, and like olive greens.

It used to be blue or red but I love green.

11. favorite type of music?

Honestly.....I sound like an asshole saying this, but I don't have a favourite type.

I will basically listen to every genre, and I have playlists that reflect that. I will mix and match genres. I can go from broadyway to grunge to country to pop to folk music to orchestra's to piano pieces.

12. do you like puzzles?

I love them. I used to get puzzles for Christmas every year and loved spending time doing them.

13. favorite childhood sport?

Swimming was my main one. I even competed on a swim team.

14. do you talk to yourself?

I talk and sing to myself the whole time, especially while living in Prague because I can go a day or two without physically talking to people so I talk to myself.

15. tea or coffee?

Tea.

Always tea.

I can only drink iced frappes, and even then I normally irder them without the coffee 😂

16. first thing you wanted to be when you were growing up?

I wanted to be an archealogist and then a vet. I was a strange kid.

17. what movies do you adore?

I have so many movies I adore and rewatch for comfort. One's that come to mind right now are like Jaws, LOTR, Mulan, Howls Moving Castle, Wild Child, Legally Blonde, Interview with The Vampire, Lost Boys, and so so many more

second tag game - 5 songs you have on repeat

Wilkommen - Alan Cummings (cast of Cabaret 1998)

Moments Silence - Hozier

Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS

People are Strange - The Doors

Under the Water - The Pretty Reckless

I will tag my usual suspects @f1-birb, @wolfsbanesbite, @faerieroyal, @geooooooorge, but no pressure to do this!

And if anyone wants to do it and tag me, then feel free to ❤��

[victoriouscabaret]

I was tagged by the forever lovely @chaeza! Thank you friend! <3

Do you make your bed? When I remember to/feel like it. Mornings are usually chaos for me, so getting dressed and making myself look presentable usually takes priority over making the bed.

Favorite number? 9

What's your job? Office Manager. I’m happy with it. Definitely not burnt out like I was when I did funerals. I do really miss being a mortician though. Helping people and taking care of them during a tremendously hard time was so fulfilling, and I don’t think I’ll ever not be fascinated by death from a psychological, cultural, and medical perspective. Alas…

Can you parallel park? With a good deal of swearing and asking myself why I’m even doing this.

Do you think aliens are real? It would be stranger if they weren’t.

Can you drive a manual car? Better than a few, worse than most.

What's your guilty pleasure? Hmmm… I don’t really like sweets or candy, but I could absolutely devastate a package of dark chocolate covered orange peels. Those little things are unfairly tasty.

Tattoos? A teeeeeeny tiny Tolkien illustration of Smaug above the crook of my left arm, a hand holding a candle and a flower with the solar system around it (the universe I guess according to the artist? That’s what she called it at least. Its dope and I love it) on my right thigh, a tribal-esque snake that I drew when I was 19 and decided I needed it on me permanently, so it’s between my shoulder blades and has aged terribly. Going to get that covered up with a Big Ass Panther or something probably. Aaaaand a tragic stick n poke on the inside of my left ankle that I did when I was 17 and thought I was edgy. It looks like nothing. Just a bunch of faded dots of ink in the suggestion of a circle. I love tattoos and held off getting any after my snake for so long because I was worried about family and society judging me, but I’ve recently realized how absolutely fucking ridiculous that is, so I’ve already got my next three planned out lol.

Favorite color? Green

Favorite types of music? Any and all. If it’s got a danceable groove or great lyrics, it’s for me.

Do you like puzzles? Hyperfocusing on jigsaw puzzles is one of my favourite pastimes, but I have two cats, and one of them especially likes to “help” so I just don’t bother these days lol. Some brain puzzles stress me out, and numbers don’t work properly in my brain so stuff like Sudoku isn’t for me. I really enjoy riddles and logic puzzles.

Any phobias? Spiders, enclosed spaces, and heights.

Favorite childhood sport? I really enjoyed most sports as a kid and am a naturally athletic person. I really wanted to do hockey, but certain people thought that dancing was more appropriate for a girl, so into ballet I went for years. I did enjoy dancing a lot, and after I quit ballet and jazz, I started ballroom dancing and competed in country ballroom and swing until I turned 18.

Do you talk to yourself? I think my head would literally explode if I didn’t.

What movies do you adore? Oh man… so many. Comfort ones that I’ll always be happy to watch are: The Princess Bride, Kill Bill Vol. 1&2, Only Lovers Left Alive, the lotr trilogy, Moulin Rouge, and Wristcutters: A Love Story

Coffee or Tea? Coffee, but have ventured more into tea over the past year or so. My caffeine sensitivity went bananas when I still did funerals - I think because the funeral coffee I drank all day, every day was so strong my body was eventually just like “nope” so I can have like… max one coffee a day now otherwise I’m just anxious AND tired but can’t fall asleep at bedtime.

First thing you wanted to be growing up? An acrobat lol.

Non-obligatory tags: @thefallenangelsgang, @preciouslittlebhaalbae, @allofthebarks, @myheartismadeofstars, @inkymoonbunny

[astrabear]

15 questions, 15 tags

tagged by @ongreenergrasses. Not gonna tag 15 people, that's like 30% of all the people I follow.

Are you named after anyone? I have the name that my mother would have had, if my grandmother hadn't changed her mind at the last minute and given her a popular name instead. My mother always resented being one of many [name]s in her classes at school and was determined that if she had a daughter, she'd use this name.

When was the last time you cried? Man, I don't fuckin know. My dad died a year and a half ago, my stepfather died a few months ago, I've been unemployed and looking for work since December (just accepted an offer the other day, so that's cool), I visit my mom regularly and she's having a really hard time, and there was an ice storm a couple of weeks ago that left us without power for 36 hours and brought up a bunch of trauma from a debilitating storm two years ago. Also I have depression and anxiety. I can't be bothered to keep track of when or how often I cry, is what I'm saying. Sometime in the past week, probably.

Do you have kids? nope

Do you use sarcasm a lot? When joking with my roommate, yes. As part of general communication, I use it but I think not a lot?

What's the first thing you notice about people? Doesn't this depend on what's noticeable? Like if someone has blue hair, I'm gonna notice the blue hair first. Anything that stands out or seems unexpected - unusual hair color, tattoos, certain hair styles, size/height/other features that are at either end of the bell curve, dramatic clothes or accessories.

What's your eye color? Dark brown

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, definitely.

Any special talents? I notice and remember stuff about people, and I connect pieces of information. Someone once described it as my superpower. This makes me very good at giving gifts. Sometimes I have to keep it to myself in order to not sound creepy (because people aren't necessarily prepared for you to remember something they said in passing a year ago, and then connect it to something that someone else mentioned last week, and use that to infer something they had not yet told you.) I'm also bizarrely good at finding specific Old Guard fanfics.

Where were you born? Houston, Texas

What are your hobbies? I have had so many hobbies that I no longer currently practice. I want to get back into cooking and baking (as hobbies rather than just necessity). I write. I play the Sims. For a while I was using the Sims to make fanvids, but that's fallen away as the writing has picked up. I'd like to start drawing again. It's going to take some time to get back in shape enough to do it, but I'd love to one day take up weightlifting again.

Do you have any pets? I have two cats, Truffle and Tristan. They will be turning 4 in a couple of months. I adopted them in 2019 and I can't imagine getting through lockdown without them. I made up these song lyrics about them, back when "Bad Guy" was still a thing: So he's a buff guy Not got lots of fluff guy Likes to play real rough guy Tail always so puffed guy She's that smart type Take my things apart type Face a work of art type Got a loving heart type They are good cats Duh

What sports do you play/have you played? None. The only physical endeavor that I've ever been serious about was weightlifting, but never competitively.

How tall are you? 5'3, 160cm. I'm basically a hobbit.

Favorite subject in school? In high school, English. In college, probably history.

Dream job? Alas, there is no job out there that would include doing complex work in spreadsheets and databases, and coaching/mentoring other people, and doing some kind of problem solving/information and referral work that gives people immediate assistance. When I did social service type jobs, I felt like I wasn't getting enough mental stimulation, and now that I'm working more analytical jobs I miss the satisfaction of helping people. Oh well.

Like I said, I'm not going to tag 15 people. But I will tag @lazaefair, because you're my most recent follow so I know you the least well.

For cat pics, see below

Truffle, my perfect angel baby:

And Tristan, my little goblin boy:

[angria]

Rough sessions, once again. Feel like I was just going through the motions all week, so barely noticed the good. A lot of small, random things:

I'm getting more excited for my second tattoo next month (after waiting for six)! Getting a b/w outline of roses on the top of my right forearm for St. Therese of Lisieux (roses are associated with her).

Last year, I gave E a framed piece of artwork of a saint she likes for helping with my Confirmation process. A couple days ago, she sent me a text with a picture of it hanging in a collage on the wall. So that was nice of her to think of sending me a pic.

Mailed my letter to J to tell him about getting into the msw program, so kind of feels like a mini connection. Trying not to hope for a response letter, yet still hoping.

Went to St. P's Pub Theology for the first time in months...it's all the way downtown, so it's kind of a hassle to take the subway when it's cold out. But, the weather was nice, so I got to dress up and actually really liked how I looked.

I love this art/graphic design website I use at work (Canva). Get to make pretty website banners, instagram posts, etc. for spc.

This is random, but I got a new personal Bible for Christmas (vs. the ones I use for academic work...basically a difference in translation. One is more accurate and the other is more relaxed/not as stiff in wording). I like to write different song lyrics and quotes in my personal Bible. My old one was from 2013 (back in Catholic grad school) and I no longer agree with certain quotes, so I wanted a new one to start over fresh with the new perspectives I've gained from St. P's, including quotes from J's and E's sermons. How I'm actually worthy and enough and God loves me for me, all of me. It's taken the past two months to underline passages and write everything I wanted, but I finally finished and really happy with it.

[lucientelrunya]

Fic Writer Interview

Thank you @forerussake for tagging me <3

name/nicknames: on the internet I'm almost always Lucien Telrunya or Luci, a real life nickname is 'Angel' or 'Angely'. My real name doesn't have any short forms and I don't like it, I prefer Luci.

fandoms: Hmmm, currently I'm very deep into various C-Dramas, mostly DMBJ (the only one I've written for so far), but also Guardian, MDZS, L.O.R.D. Critical World, Tientsin Mystic. I also still like Stranger Things (when will I ever finish my fics for that, I wonder) or various video games like Final Fantasy VII, VIII or XII.

two shots?: I'm not sure if this means something that is divided into two chapters? Then: None. I tend to write long ass things, even though I really tried my hand at a few one-shots.

most popular multi-chapter fic: That would be my first ever tumblr-post that started 'Like a lonely house' and also my first fic posted to AO3. I was so surprised by all the reactions here on tumblr and also on AO3, it really encouraged me to write more.

actual worst part of writing: oooof. I don't really know. Guess it depends on the mood? Sometimes it's trying to connect two scenes that popped up in my head. Sometimes it's trying to put something that's playing inside my head on repeat into words. Sometimes it's getting started with writing at all. Or endings. Or summaries......

how do you choose your titles: By looking at poetry or lyrics and trying to find a line that resonates and just feels right. Sometimes it's easy ('Like a lonely house' was easy), most times it's really hard (it took me forever to find 'We go deeper than the ink beneath the skin of our tattoos' and then I wasn't sure if it was too long for a title, but it fit so perfectly that I didn't care in the end).

do you outline?: A little. I mostly have a vague idea what I want and then I see where that takes me. Or I have some scenes/things I want to happend and I need to write a story around them.

ideas you probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice?: The Hei Xiazi/Zhang Rishan Immortals AU (I really, really want to read that, but I don't think I could write it, I feel like I couldn't do Hei Xiazi justice). Probably the whole Fo Ye, Ba Ye and Rishan in a tomb losing sight, hearing and voice and having to find their way out of the tomb. I still love the idea, but it's such a nebulous concept, I don't even know what would happen. But maybe this year will surprise me, who knows. There was also an idea for a fic about Wen Ning (MDZS) getting turned back into a living person and having to navigate all the things that come with that again.

callouts @ me: Stop comparing yourself to others, I'd say ^^°°°

best writing traits: I have no idea?

spicy tangential opinion: Ummm... It is spicy to say I don't get many of the various AUs in which the characters are gender-swapped or otherwise so heavily changed that they barely resemble the original character and I just wonder why people don't just write original fiction? Back when I wrote a lot of originals with my RP-partner we always had certain actors in mind (mostly even in a certain role) and imagined our character to look like them.

tagging: @elletromil, @s1utspeare, @daydreamorama, @kholran only if you want to, of course :)

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #170

Give us a lyric from a song you’ve recently listend to: I'm listening to "Slum Planet" by 3TEETH right now and the lyric just said was "no one wins in this human race."

Why did you cry the last time you did? I learned about diabetic comas and started fearing that one day it'll happen to Mom while she's asleep with how violently her blood sugar plummets. My anxiety was so fucking bad that night, I had so much trouble falling asleep.

Have you donated blood in the last 2 years? No, but I actually plan on doing it with Girt this Sunday, it completely depends on what my blood pressure is at the time of the appointment; it's almost always alarmingly low EVERY time I get it checked, like it's just normal for me (partially because of a med), so there is a very real chance of me being turned down. But I'm still going with him regardless though, he loves when he gets the chance to do it (drives are coincidentally almost always on work days for him lol) and I fucking love that.

What is your relationship with the last person to comment you? Like, on a social media? Facebook is telling me Ashley, my boyfriend's sister.

Who was the last person to sit on your bed? Me, I still do certain physical therapy exercises lying and sitting on it.

Do you have a favorite flower? Orchids, pink tulips (I don't really care about non-pink ones that much), dahlias, hydrangeas, roses, etc. I just adore flowers.

Would you rather be stuck on a desert island with your ex or a python? HA give me the fucking python, at least the snake won't make me feel like literal trash. Besides, a python is not going to be able to eat me and with that fact it'd have no interest in bothering me, and I'd leave it alone too. Don't villainize snakes.

Name three objects within your reach? My water bottle, planner, and Girt's work schedule for like an entire year lmao. He gave it to me for the convenience of planning hanging out days and I think he also knows I just like knowing where he is, especially if my anxiety is high and I can't immediately reach him.

Would you get a shamrock tattooed to your forehead for $5,000? Gah, that money is FUCKING TEMPTING, but I just couldn't.

Where was the last place you went that was more than an hour away? Why were you going there? A city two hours away that is where Girt's grandmother is at a nursing home. We were celebrating her birthday; that day wasn't her actual birthday, but it's a day that worked for the family to get together. It meant a lot to be there, because odds are it was her last.

Who was the last person to tell you you looked nice? Girt, I think?

Do you know a schizophrenic person? Girt's mother, and I know of my schizophrenic half-sister.

Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Girt is very polite, Sara was very creative, and Tyler, uh... he was sweet?

Are you friends with a Conner? No, I don't even know one.

What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? He sent me a picture of his cat Louie chilling with a deer in he and his wife's backyard. I'm against letting your cat free-roam outdoors, but regardless it was very cute and I said so. He was just sitting chilling while the deer grazed.

Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? I literally have it, yeah.

During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? I genuinely don't think any hell a god could make could be worse than what 2016 was for me. Every waking moment I wanted to be dead, and when I slept my dreams were always the same: extremely painful and focused on Jason and how we'd never be what we were again.

Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yes, I love them. I used to collect bluejay feathers while I dated Jason actually, because his nickname from his dad was always "J Bird," and I called him that sometimes too.

Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? My nephew Ryder.

Who makes you smile the most often? Girt.

Do you remember the first person you felt sexually attracted to? In a completely serious context, Jason.

Of all of your friends’ significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? I don't really know my friends' s/os, at least not on a personal level.

Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? YUP, GIRT. Finally happened lmao, bomb-ass decision.

Who do you think is the most attractive actor? Probably Jason Momoa lmao, or Johnny Depp.

Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? LOL SURE HAVE AND I WANTED TO PASS AWAY

Do you have any of your neighbors as friends on Facebook? No.

You can only listen to 1 band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? so like...... Rammstein, surprise lmfao

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? Many months ago when I was pretty convinced Girt was going to leave and I was going to relive the Jason breakup, just with him. I was fucking hysterical, this guy had to hold me as I probably broke his eardrums scream-crying for like, 15 full minutes. The feeling I had in my chest was more awful than I could ever put into words.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? Probably Mom?

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Girt.

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes, in a couple instances where I was mad.

Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Jason's dad was in the Navy, but idk if he was ever in a combat situation. I know Girt's dad fought in Operation Desert Storm.

Name ONE good memory about your last ex? I very much felt like I could be 200% myself around her.

Do you live near any large rivers or lakes? Yeah, the Tar River is really long, and I live in an area where you regularly cross smaller bridges over it.

Would it annoy you if a stranger called you "sweetie?" This very much depends. I'd say generally no, I tend to like terms of endearment, but if it's some creepy guy that seems very suspect, I'd be uncomfortable.

What's the worst thing you've gone through in the past year? Letting go of and healing from an extremely rotten friendship. Deciding enough was enough with Sara was so fucking not an easy decision, it was fucking excruciating and involved so much hurt, and I regularly questioned if I was a horrible person.

What's the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? Literally tomorrow is my sister Ashley's 30th, and no, but only because I don't have a source of income. I can't get anything for family and it fucking sucks.

How many beds are in your home? Two in the traditional sense, however we do have a couch that can fold out into a bed. Not a very comfortable one, but it's a bed.

Do you wear face masks in public? I no longer do, not because I don't believe in the effectiveness of masks (because they fucking are effective), but because I think like most people, I've just given up on the concept of us ever getting Covid under control; it's going to be in the human population for probably as long as we live now. A new type of flu, basically. I would wear a mask though if I was sick with Covid-esque symptoms, that's just basic consideration for other humans.

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? Only Girt; the first time we dated briefly at the end of 2017 I just wasn't ready to be with a man again. I had walls that weren't coming down.

What month of the year was your mother born? August.

Who do you feel most beautiful around? My mom.

Have you ever had a friend that got a bf/gf, and then completely ignored you? Yes, what a coincidence, I was thinking of her last night. We were online friends with a long, very tight friendship, but one day her accounts that I knew of were just gone, and this was very near the time she started dating some guy.

Who is the smartest person you know? Girt.

If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Hell no.

The last two people you kissed, are they virgins? Girt's not, Sara was when I knew her, no clue about now.

How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? We just hung out at my house.

Do you know anyone who owns their own business? Yes, more than one person.

What was the last thing that changed your life completely? Going to physical therapy. I am so fucking happy with all the progress that is still happening, standing is by now generally only uncomfortable versus actually painful. I'm standing more in real-life situations that prove to me how much better my legs have gotten.

What do you normally drink when eating at a fast food restaurant? Usually either Mountain Dew or Coke.

What was the last thing you saw that made you smile? A really cute picture of two of my nieces; Aubree was being an adorable big sister.

Who was the last person you took a photograph with? My niece and sisters.

Did you like the show Invader Zim? Surprisingly I never really watched it, I just thought Gir was cute.

What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? I've never been scared by a book.

What does your best friend love that you hate? Extremely hard games that generally require hours and hours of failing regularly to get good at it, nameably FromSoft games; I'm quite sure Girt's platinumed/100%ed all of them lmao, meanwhile I couldn't even get to the FIRST BOSS of Bloodborne myself haha, I suck at those games SOOOOOOOOOOO bad. My head nearly exploded when I tried Dark Souls, like I quit pretty damn fast because once a game reaches a certain level of difficulty for me, shit's not fun anymore. Meanwhile Girt's hardheaded as HELL and really gets satisfaction out of figuring out challenges, so FromSoft makes some stuff he really enjoys. What sucks is I LOVE watching the games be played, like Elden Ring is one of the greatest video games ever made in all of history imo, I just don't have the patience for those of its sort as a player. Video games are Girt's "thing" though that he's just super fucking good at.

How well do you know the people you live with? I know my mom very well, and we've been closer than ever lately. I feel our already-strong bond has strengthened quite a bit just from sitting out in the living room with her during dinner more often. She confides in me with a lot of things and has told me how much she appreciates me just listening.

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? A few weeks ago with Juan, if you even wanna count him as an ex when we dated for less than a day.

Ever cried while you were on the phone with the last person you kissed? No, we basically never call each other. He's mentioned wanting to but knows I hate phone calls and I'm like you're obviously an exception dude but yeah we don't really talk-talk via the phone.

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? I have two Cloak shirts, a brand owned by Markiplier and jacksepticeye, and one features the Randler and cockatrice used as symbols for Good Mythical Morning/Rhett & Link.

Do either of your parents have tattoos? No, but my mom wants one based around her kids and grandkids.

For your birthday do people buy you a cake or bake you one? Usually buy.

If your boy/girlfriend wanted to have a sex change, would you support them? Sure would, I'm pansexual anyway so it wouldn't remove my sexual feelings for that person. Like sure it'd obviously be a massive change, requiring adjustments like getting pronouns right, but he/she would have my full support if they felt a sex change would improve their happiness.

What do you think of cannibals? It's gross. I think eating your own species, at least for such developed animals like humans who have consciences that allow us to put meaning into BEING a human, is morally questionable.

[twopoppies]

Even though you don't deserve an answer because you're being an obnoxious piece of shit, I will still write one for other people who might actually be open to hearing the difference between the two fandoms.

Let me start by saying that I was never in the Dan and Phil fandom. So all I can do is address the issue from an outsider's POV. From what I know, neither of them ever signaled that they wanted people to know their sexuality, neither of them ever signaled that they were being closeted despite wanting to be openly out, neither of them ever signaled that they wanted people to know that they were together, neither of them ever signaled that they were perfectly comfortable with their sexuality, neither of them had friends/family constantly "outing" them in a joking way.... the list goes on and on.

I'm here because both Harry and Louis have done all of these things and more. I'm here because they've shown that they appreciate and want the support of their queer fans and continue to invite speculation even after being made to deny their relationship. Harry and Louis orchestrated RBB and SBB. They're the ones who wear coded clothing and rainbows and pushed us to learn LGBTQ+ history. They're the ones who post lyrics and write songs that clearly reference their struggle to be free. They're the ones pointing at and acknowledging Larry signs at concerts. They're the ones using blue and green lighting and referencing the other's tattoos and making videos that reference each other and writing songs that tell the same stories from different points of view and insisting that they have a certain shade of blue in every outfit. Why would they continue to do this if they didn't want people to speculate? Seriously. Why?

Has the fact that larries exist made their lives more difficult at times? Probably, yes. I'm sure Syco/Sony hate the fact that we won't go away. But does that mean they want every one of their fans to just pretend we don't see them signaling and to just buy into the narratives? No. I don't think they do. I honestly can't imagine how awful that would feel to them. I'm not fucking here for my health or for shits and giggles. I get nothing but grief for being a larrie. I'm here because I feel like homophobic assholes out there need to know that there are people who will love and support Harry and Louis regardless of their sexuality/gender/relationship status. I think there's a place for those of us to support them and to talk about supporting them, and most of us are doing it in a way where if you see us talking about it, you've come looking for it. So maybe people like you should stop hate reading (and circumventing the fact that you've likely been blocked a hundred times over), and instead try combating the disgusting homophobia that results in artists feeling they have to stay closeted. I know telling larries to die is a whole lot easier to do, and makes you think you're some kind of super fan, but I can guarantee you which of us Harry and Louis prefer to have supporting them (hint: it's not you).

I'm sorry that Dan felt their fans were being invasive. And I don't see his and Phil's situation being the same as Harry and Louis'.

[wishingicouldfly]

They Made It - my perspective

Since I posted my thread for why I think H&L have never broken up, I’ve been chatting with a few people in my DMs on Twitter and Tumblr. These convos have been respectful, and I appreciate that (you all know who you are and I thank you).

It’s mostly people who disagree with my theory—so I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I’m always happy to hear opinions that differ from mine. I find it fascinating that people can interpret songs and come away with such diverse narratives.

To quote a certain curly-man, I’d never try to tell someone they’re wrong. Because none of us knows the truth. There’s no solid proof of anything. We all look at Larry with our own lens. I will always say my view might be wrong.

I don’t want you to convince me they aren’t together. I came here because I watched a video and believe I saw two boys fall in love over and over. That those two boys got tattoos all over their bodies to prove their love to each other.

That they sing of a long term, difficult love story that made it. That they fought through bullshit & succeeded in making a life together. That their love songs are @ each other. That they send subtle messages to fans they are together.

I believe in blue bandanas, peace rings, infinity symbols on ring fingers, Always You, Adore You, Princess Park, Louis Blue, big-ass H’s on t-shirts, checkerboards, supportive families and friends.

I believe in matching merch, world tours that orbit each other, Rainbow Bears, coordinates, scavenger hunts, clothes that match, and similar themes in songs and life philosophy.

So yes, I could be totally wrong about H&L. Maybe I’m delusional even. But you know what? Believing in a love story that looks and feels so real doesn’t feel delusional. It feels hopeful.

To see the way they both still lean into it with blue and green lights at venues and during shows, Louis’ outro songs, H’s pre-show songs, the clothes they wear. The lyric changes in concert. Still the One. We Made It.

I won’t believe they are a dead-beat dad, or a womanizer, or a homewrecker, or a slag. I won’t believe they cheated on each other with women. I think I’ll stick with believing #LarryIsReal for now. #loveislove #happypride

You don't have to believe the same things. - Rosann, @FlyWishing

[wonwoonlight]

stars | kwon soonyoung

➝ Soonyoung x Reader

➝ feat. Jihoon, Wonwoo, Jeonghan, and Somi

➝ word count: 5438 words.

➝ angst // fluff on the first half :) // nonidol!au // fantasy!au (kinda, but not really, you’ll know)

➝ warning: major character death!!!!!!!!!!, mentions of accident, terminal illness? but i didnt go into details bc i dont wanna be misleading, an unbelievably coddling brother,.......cliche????, the seal idea is from the fate series’s command seal, if you know about it heheheh, this is a very fair warning but I SUCK SO MUCH AT ANGSTTT

➝ song: EXO - Baby Don’t Cry (please please please do listen to this and see the lyrics and you’ll know why the angst part is somewhat based on this song to certain point) ((plus its a really good song lol))

➝ A/N: this is for @noisytigercandy​​ who asked for a hoshi/wonwoo/woozi heavy angst so i chose hoshi bc i havent written a long one for him! bc your request was simply “to make it as angsty as possible” i went down this route because i totally suck at angst and idk how to make it heavy T-T hopefully, this checks out with what you want. also, this is the first time i cry writing something and its such an experience lol im just too weak hearted for my own good, so it might not actually be as sad. also, sorry if there r a lot of grammatical mistakes bc I Can’t  read this again without crying lol. anyway!!!!!! enjoy!! your feedback would be much appreciated mwah

When you smile, sun shines

언어란 틀엔 채 못 담을 찬란 The kind of brilliance that words can’t express

Everyone is born with a seal on their body, all with different images in the form of one single tattoo.

You’re still not sure what’s the image supposed to represent; some people have their seals related closely with what turns to be something they love most as they grow older. Your brother, Jihoon, has a string of bars with notes decorating them going around his lower arm, ending on his pinky. A very beautiful tattoo that fits someone who loves music with his entire life.

Some people are just entirely something else; a vine of grapes on one’s arm, a fancy cross on top of one’s hand despite their belief, a string of flower going around one shoulder to the other on someone who’s allergic to pollen. Maybe fate likes to play irony at times.

You have a string of stars that goes through both of your wrists, which is a bit weird; because you’ve heard no one should have their seal broken into two the way yours is. The seal should be on one place as a whole, not in pieces.

The moment you’re born, the sight of your seal on both of your wrists quickly brought worry to your parents.

The seal is a gift for humanity. It is said that you can ask for three wishes; every wish fades a part of your seal. Using up three wishes means having your seal entirely faded, the tattoo gone as if it’s never there to begin with.

Having your seal completely faded means ending your life.

Maybe it’s a price everyone has to pay for the generous wish. The last part of their tattoos and the remains of the first two reminding them the good things the wish has brought and, at the same time, reminding them not to get too comfortable and greedy.

The wish works in a mysterious way, subtle yet obvious. No one is supposed to understand how it works, you conclude.

It scares your family; not knowing why your seal is that way. Would you be able to use your wish? Does it mean you only have two wishes (technically one) because the tattoo is clearly divided into two?

It doesn’t help that you turn to be a rather weak child, going back and forth to the hospital even up until now. Your heart is weak, the doctors have said, it’d be the better choice for you not to be too active so your heart won’t act up.

Both of your parents have used their second wishes on two different surgeries you went through a few years ago; ones in which the doctors seemed more tense as if knowing the successful rate was somewhat low.

When you’re old enough to learn about this, you make Jihoon promise never to use his wish on you; your parents’ are enough. Jihoon has been conflicted, but reluctantly agrees because he knows it’ll only make you feel worse about yourself.

In short, your parents dote and protect you so much that you’ve become very quiet and closed up; homeschooled for all of your school years as you currently attend a cyber university. You’re much better now, your visit to the hospital isn’t as often. But your parents are used to being protective of you and you’re grateful though it’s too much at times.

Your parents allow you to go out as long as you tell them where you’ll be going to, but having minimal friends mean you don’t have a lot of chances to go out often. Either you wait for them to be free, go out with Jihoon, or you go for a walk by yourself.

Your friends simply consist of those that are Jihoon’s friends, often coming around to play in his small studio in your house. A guy named Wonwoo, another called Jeonghan, and a girl called Somi.

Lazily laying around on the sofa, you stare up at your seal, putting your wrists together to see the stars decorating them when Jihoon suddenly appears on top of you. “You okay?”

“Yupp,” you sit up, turning to him. “Just one of those days. Are you working on a new song again?”

Jihoon sits beside you, ruffling your hair as he does so. For someone who hates physical touch, you’re the only person he openly coddles and throws his affections at.

“Yeah, the beat is done, and I have an idea about the melody. We probably will mostly work on the lyrics today,” he says as you settle on his shoulder. Jihoon has been your pillar, if anything, and you’re glad your brother is as reliable as he is.

“Ohhh, are Wonwoo and Jeonghan coming? What about Somi?” you say excitedly, missing your friends. It’s been a week since you last see them, all three busy with their own stuffs though Somi calls you every night.

Your brother shakes his head, looking at his phone. “It’s another close friend of ours. I told you about some of my other friends, right?”

“Umm… the guy with the English name and tiger boy?”

Jihoon cringes a little, making you laugh. “The latter. I shouldn’t have told you about that.”

“Why!” you giggle, lifting your head. “He sounds like a funny guy; I’d like to meet him!”

“You won’t be wishing the same once you see him,” he shakes his head again, making a face.

“But you must like him enough if you let him come here,” you grin at him, excited at the thought of meeting someone new.

The little smile that grows on his face isn’t missed by you, but the opportunity to tease him is gone when the door bell rings. Jihoon sits up, and you follow him like a puppy, hiding behind his figure despite the small difference between your heights.

When Jihoon opens the door, you peek a little from the back. You’ve never seen this guy, but his presence is so bright and warm that you can’t help but smile without meaning to. He greets your brother with a very loud ‘Yo! Woozzzzi!’, which makes you chuckle a little before stopping yourself as the stranger’s eyes travel to you.

“Oh? Who’s this?” He asks, tilting his body a little so he can see you clearly as you hide yourself some more.

“My sister. Don’t do anything funny,” he warns, bopping the taller guy in the head to get his face away from yours.

“Hi!” he grins, and you start to wonder if he ever not smile. “I’m Soonyoung! I didn’t know Jihoon has a sister?”

You smile back hesitantly, stepping to the side to take his hand as you introduce yourself to him. “Hello, I’ve heard about you from Jihoon.”

Soonyoung cocks his head to the side, a teasing grin on his face. “You actually talk about me?”

“Yes, because you’re weird and people tend to mention weird things they encounter to other people around them,” Jihoon simply says, closing the front door as he makes his way to the studio with Soonyoung in tow.

As you listen to his laugh chiming through the house, you can’t help but think it’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard in your life.

“Soonyoung, can I ask you something?” you ask, swinging yourself on the swing.

You’ve known Soonyoung for a few months now. An unlikely friendship has grown between the two of you since the moment he steps inside your house to work on his music with your brother.

Jihoon has been reluctant to let you befriend him at first, afraid Soonyoung’s much too active and outgoing nature would be too overwhelming for you. But when he sees how much you laugh and enjoy your time with him, Jihoon doesn’t have it in him to stop you from befriending the guy.

You spend a lot of time with him now, sometimes just a little trip to the park, sometimes he brings you to the arcade so you can play some game together and watch him jump around on the Pump machine. He’s a little clumsy on the game, but something tells you his body movement is anything but.

“Shoot,” he replies, trying to swing himself higher.

“What’s your tattoo?”

He stops the swing, his feet digging through the ground as he hums to himself.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, I’m just curious,” you tell him, a bit worried that you’ve somehow offended him.

The sound of your soft gasp can be heard through silent park as Soonyoung tugs the collar of his shirt down a little, showing you a spider web with both sides of its string already fading away. Did he use both of his wishes already?

“Cool, right?” he grins, his eyes turning into crescents. “A shame it’s not a tiger, but spiderwebs are cool enough, I guess.”

You stare at him, a strange feeling bubbling up on your chest before you nod and smile back at him. “Yeah, really cool.”

“You’re curious, are you?” he asks, starting to swing again, though this time slowly. The length of his legs doesn’t really allow him to do so, so his legs are bent a little as he tries to swing little by little.

“Hm?”

“About why did I use up my wishes already at this age,” he chuckles, the air around him is heavy. Probably the heaviest you’ve ever seen of him though that might be intensified due to his constant smile and laugh, his cheerful personality that shines above all.

“A little,” you honestly answer. “But you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

The sound of Soonyoung stopping and standing up makes you stop, too. He doesn’t say anything, simply dusks off his pants as he offers his hand to you with a smile.

You take his hand, thanking him as you stand up. When you try to let go, Soonyoung just tugs you with him, walking with you in tow. You don’t even ask where he’s taking you. Everywhere is fine as long as you’re with him.

It’s been a while since you’ve stopped denying your feeling for the guy. Soonyoung doesn’t need to know that, though. You’re completely fine letting your feeling grow for him like this, you don’t wish for a budding romance when you can’t even take care of your own self. It’d be selfish to ask for someone to take care of you.

“One of them I used by accident,” he starts, his thumb caressing your knuckles, making blood rush to your cheeks. You know what it feels like when your heart runs a little to fast, but never for this reason. Never because of someone else.

“My cousin’s dog died and she’s crying so much when it happened. I was sad but seeing her cry made me cry, too. She was so small, the dog much older than she was. So, I used my wish to get her a new dog that looks more or less the same with the old one,” he smiles, looking down at the pavement.

“The next day, she’s got another puppy from auntie’s friend. She said their dog just gave birth and she couldn’t take care of them all. The dog looks nearly identical with the old one, so auntie took it with her immediately.”

Your hold on his hand tightens, and Soonyoung squeezes your hand back. “She must’ve been very happy.”

“Yeah, the dog still lives now, almost 20 years later. So, it’s not a waste of wish, really,” he grins again, meeting your eyes as you look up to him.

“The second time, I used it for a dear friend.” The smile on his face seems content, as if he’s glad he did so. “He’s younger than me. A guy named Chan that I met from a dance club in high school. He wanted to be a dancer, that’s what he told me the moment he stepped in the club room. And I know he could do it; he’s more determined than anyone I’ve ever known and he’s got the talent.”

Soonyoung finds a bench beneath the tree and pulls you there to sit with him. It’s spring now, the trees along the street are blooming a pretty color of white and pink. Cherry blossom petals decorating the pavement as the wind blows a fine breeze every now and then.

He doesn’t let go of your hand even when the both of you take a seat there.

You let him be.

“What happened next?” you ask, wanting to hear the rest of the story.

“We became close real quick, and he’s basically a little brother to me even now. On his first year of university, he got into a car accident,” he frowns, the memory fresh in his mind. “It was pretty bad. His legs were beat up and even after therapies the doctor said it’d be hard to get back to dancing again with his condition.”

Your heart breaks at the story, you can only imagine how hard it is when your dream is taken away right in front of your eyes.

“He was so devastated, to the point where he wasn’t himself for a few months. I asked around, looking things up in the internet that might help him. An older cousin who’s studying to be a doctor outside the country says there might be a way to help, but it might cost a lot because the procedure is available only on where he’s at. I told Chan about it, but he said he couldn’t make his parents pay for it just because of his dream; that he’ll be fine doing other works even if he has to part ways with the thing he loves most.”

“Did you wish for his recovery? Can it work that way?” you ask, still intrigued with the wish. You haven’t used your wish at all, your parents warning you it might not be the best thing to do with your anomaly.

“Of course not,” he shakes his head. “It’s not that easy. But I wish for Chan to get another chance of recovery. About a month after that, my cousin said a professor wants to sponsor Chan’s surgery as long as Chan is fine with flying there, and there’s a chance his legs won’t 100% get better. It didn’t, but it’s much better than the prior condition. He’s a dance teacher for little kids now, but he’s learning to be a choreographer, too, and he seems more than happy with that.”

You stare at Soonyoung, someone with a heart so beautiful that he uses his limited gift to help others. There’s nothing bitter in his tone, too, he’s content and happy with his choices. You asked him if he never thinks of using his wishes on himself before, and Soonyoung simply hums as he thinks to himself.

“Maybe? I don’t know. Anyhow, there must be a time before us when humans don’t have these wishes, right? I’m sure if they could be fine without them, I could be, too. I’m glad I used mine to help instead of something ordinary like a job or something,” he flashes you that beautiful grin again, and how can you not smile back at him when he’s looking as he is?

You ponder about his words, glancing at your broken tattoos before smiling to yourself. He’s right, there must be a time when humans don’t even have wishes to help them through their roughest time. If they went through it just fine, why couldn’t you?

Falling in love with Kwon Soonyoung just might be the best thing you could ever wish happening to your life.

“What’s your biggest wish?” Soonyoung asks, one of his arms under your neck and the other on your waist as the both of you lay facing each other on your bed. Your parents are out of town, but Jihoon would have his head if he finds out. On the other hand, if there’s anything you’ve learned from Soonyoung, sometimes it’s okay to live on edge and you figure it’s a problem for when it happens.

“Campfire? Just spending some time out with my friends outside, singing songs under the night sky,” you tell him, your finger waves through his newly dyed hair. “Wait, you’re not gonna wish for that, will you?”

Soonyoung laughs, dropping a kiss on your forehead. How did your relationship even progress to this point? You’re not gonna think too much about it. “Of course not, silly. I can just arrange one for you, I’m not gonna die so you can have a campfire.”

“Don’t joke around about something like that!” you hit his shoulder softly, not amused with his joke. “Plus, Jihoon would never allow you to arrange a trip like that for me.”

Soonyoung rises his eyebrow, his mouth forming a pout out of habit. “Are you challenging me?”

You just laugh, the thought of going for a campfire trip is happy enough for you. There’s no need to actually go on one, you’re glad you have him by your side, anyway.

When Jihoon goes inside your room to ask what would you like to have for dinner, he finds you and his friend asleep, cuddled together on top of your blanket. He doesn’t have the heart to wake you up when you’re tucked safely in Soonyoung’s arms, your hand gripping the back of his shirt as if afraid someone would try to make you let go.

He couldn’t say he didn’t see it coming, either.

A month or so later, you’re on your way to a camping site with a camping car your parents help you rent with Jihoon, Soonyoung, Wonwoo, and Somi. Jeonghan can’t come, but he makes all of you promise there’d be a next trip with him.

“You better be glad I didn’t make you bet on it at that time,” he nudges you with his shoulder.

You laugh, nodding to his words to indulge him. “Yeah, yeah. But my parents wouldn’t have said yes if it wasn’t for Jihoon coming with us.”

“What, you two were planning on camping by yourselves?” Jihoon joins in from his seat, glaring at the guy. “You think I would allow you?”

Soonyoung lets out a laugh, his hands up in surrender. “It just came up before and she said I wouldn’t be able to arrange a campfire for her because of you.”

“She’s right,” Jihoon nods, as if it wasn’t Soonyoung that suggested this trip, convincing him over and over again it’s what you want. That a camping doesn’t have to be hard work and you’ll be okay because the rest can set up the tent for you.

The other guy just shrugs, and you giggle at the banter. Jihoon wouldn’t admit it out loud, but you’ve been much happier and brighter because of Soonyoung and your blooming relationship. He’s glad, of all people, it’s Soonyoung who’s making you happy.

“Are you that excited?” he asks, amused at the way your feet have been jumping up and down.

“She can’t even sleep last night,” Jihoon answers for you, shaking his head though there’s a smile playing on his face. “She ends up sleeping on my bed as I plastered myself to the wall because she keeps on moving around.”

Soonyoung chuckles, ruffling your hair. “She’s practically an octopus when she sleeps, right?”

Jihoon narrows his eyes at his friend, making Wonwoo and Somi laugh from the front seat. “You’re getting too comfortable, aren’t you? I don’t think that’s an info I should know that you’re aware of, is it?”

“We’re just napping together, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Soonyoung says brazenly, laughing again when you hit his shoulder. “What! He already knows, anyway.”

You just hide your face in your palms in embarrassment. For once, the quickening rate of your heartbeat doesn’t bother you even a little bit.

Hearing Somi’s soft breathing next you, you wave your hand in front of her face to make sure she’s really asleep.

It’s been a really good day even though you’re a bit tired throughout, having slept late the night before and not used to this kind of activity. The whole of you retreating to the two tents when it’s a little past midnight, Wonwoo whining that he needs his sleep because he drove the whole way there.

It was a bit of a shame, because you don’t know when will you be able to get another chance to go on a camping like this ever again. But you get that everyone is tired; even you’re tired, but you can’t sleep even after laying there for what feels like hours.

You wake up slowly, trying to make as little sound as you can as not to wake Somi up. It’s almost 2AM now, so you put on your jacket to go out, maybe spending a little more time under the stars would help.

Stepping outside, you can see quite a few people in front of their tents, too. Maybe sleep hasn’t come, maybe they just want to go stargazing. You sit on the chair from earlier near the campfire, looking up at the sky as you put on your airbuds, listening to some music to keep yourself company.

You jump a little when two hands softly hold your shoulders, glaring at Soonyoung who’s standing behind you with an unapologetic grin.

“Why are you out here?” he asks, placing another chair next to you. “Can’t sleep?”

“Yeah. Adrenaline rush, maybe? It’s been such a good day, I don’t want it to end,” you say, leaning to Soonyoung as he extends his arm to you.

“I’m glad you’re having fun,” he says softly, his head on top of yours as his free hand goes to rub the seal inside your wrist. “It’s worth constantly annoying Jihoon for weeks.”

You laugh, thanking him again for making this possible. “I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for this.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, right?” he says again, lifting his head to look at your eyes.

“You know I’d do the same for you, right?” you tell him without missing a beat, looking back at him.

“You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll be fine as long as you’re here with me,” he says, winking at his cheesy comment.

Your burst into a fit of giggle, looking back up at the sky full of stars as you cuddle further to Soonyoung’s warmth.

“The stars are so beautiful tonight,” you tell him, remembering how much you’ve wished to experience this firsthand, not just though fictions. “I feel like they’re brighter today.”

“Brighter than me?” he giggles a little at his own question.

As you look up at him to see his eyes turning into beautiful crescents with a big smile glittering his face, you think there could possibly be nothing that shines brighter than Kwon Soonyoung.

It’s getting worse.

You don’t know what causes it, but your heart is getting worse again for some reason. The doctor even mentions you might need to do another surgery if it doesn’t get better by the next appointment.

Soonyoung is unfortunately outside the city when you receive the news because there’s a family wedding he needs to attend. But as you cry the whole night, telling him you’re scared through the phone, Soonyoung doesn’t hang up until he hears the soft pattern of your breathing.

He stays in the phone for a few minutes after that, making sure you’re really asleep before he hangs up, finally letting out the tears he’s been holding back.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all that a soul as beautiful as yours have to battle through something like this when you’ve done nothing to deserve it at all.

Soonyoung unconsciously traces his seal near his neck, staring into space as the trace of his tears start to dry. He doesn’t know what it feels like to have his heart in a weak state, but when he thinks of you suffering through all this, he can feel his heart tightening on his chest.

That must be how you feel but much worse. He hates it so much.

“Has the doctor told you when the surgery would be?” Soonyoung asks, once again laying in your bed, his thumb caressing the apple of your cheek as if it’s the most fragile thing in the world. Your parents and Jihoon have let the two of you be, now already trusting Soonyoung wouldn’t do anything they’d frown upon.

“Next week.” you sigh, the thought of surgery still scaring you despite it not being your first time. “I don’t know why, but I’m more scared of this surgery than the ones I’ve gone through before.”

Soonyoung looks at you before slowly moving forward to drop a kiss on your forehead. “It’s going to be okay. You’ve survived the ones before, haven’t you? You will again. There’s no reason you will lose a battle when you’ve been fighting restlessly.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” You nod a little, your head dropping to where his seal is hidden by his shirt. “I’ll be fine. It’ll pass just like my past surgeries and I’ll get better again.”

Soonyoung just hugs you tight, hoping you don’t notice his trembling lips and the tears he’s been holding.

It’s definitely not a complaint from your side, but Soonyoung has been making sure he’s spending all of his free time with you everyday leading up to the surgery. You’ve gone to the arcade again with him, a short trip to a flower field, and a simple picnic near the Han river. Sometimes Jihoon would tag along, sometimes he wouldn’t.

You get an idea of why Soonyoung is doing all of this; he’s never been there when you’re going through a surgery. The both of you say you’ll be okay, but the truth is, you don’t know. The thought of surgery is always scary, but it gets ten-fold scarier when it’s something as vital as a heart.

There’s a silent understanding in your mind: there’s a chance you might not survive this surgery and you won’t be able to spend time with Soonyoung again. Whatever it is, you’re going to accept these few days with a happy heart, and if it is the last few days you have left, you’re glad you’re spending it with the love of your life.

On the day before the surgery, you have carefully asked your parents if Soonyoung can sleep over, telling them his presence calms you down. They, of all people, know how scary a surgery can be for you.

It seems that they also get the same understanding as you do; so, your father has just smiled and nodded, telling you Soonyoung can stay if it helps you go through the night.

That night, you lay under the blanket with Soonyoung holding you close to him.

“What do you want to do most when you’re all better?” he asks, his fingers waving through your hair.

You hum, though in your mind you don’t mind doing anything as long as it’s with him. “I want to see the stars again like we did that day.”

Soonyoung smiles that dazzling smile of his again, a smile reserved just for you. “The stars were really beautiful that day, weren’t they?”

“Yeah. I think it’ll be good if we can go stargazing again someday,” you tell him, a yawn escaping through your lips.

“You’re not gonna cry tomorrow, are you?” he asks, pulling you closer.

“As long as I get to see you again,” you simply say, settling on the space near his neck.

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything in return, just holds you a little tighter until sleep finally finds the both of you.

Soonyoung apologizes to your parents the moment you’re submitted to the surgery room, telling them he can’t wait until it ends because there’s an emergency back home.

They have just smiled, nodding their head in understanding. Your mom hugs him for a moment, thanking him for making you the happiest they’ve ever seen.

He smiles at them, thanking them for having someone as beautiful as you are.

When your mom comes back home from the hospital, the house is strangely dark despite Jihoon being home. The surgery has gone well despite the doctor telling them to brace themselves, but you need to stay in the hospital for a few days and your father has offered to stay with you.

She calls for Jihoon as she turns on the lamps, but there’s no answer. She checks his studio, but he’s not there. When she comes up to check in his room, it is instead from your room that she hears someone crying.

It’s been so long since she’s heard Jihoon cries; the last time is probably almost two decades ago. She’s unsure on how to approach him nor what could possibly happen that her first son is crying to the point where she can hear him from outside.

“Jihoon?” she calls, turning the door knob. Her steps halt the moment she opens the door, her son holding Soonyoung in his arms, his body limp as if he couldn’t hold his own weight. “Jihoon, son, what happened?”

He shakes his head, barely able to let out the words out of his mouth.

“He…” he takes a deep breath, wiping his own tears. “he used his third wish.”

Your mom gasps, struggling to say anything in response.

“For your sister?” she finally says, her voice barely a whisper and tears already forming in her eyes.

Jihoon nods, tears escaping his eyes once again.

He hates to think what would happen to you once you find out.

“Thanks for bringing me here,” you tell your brother, your arms leaning to the fence while you tuck yourself deeper into your jacket as the both of you stand near the river. “Feels like it’s been so long since I go out at night.

Jihoon smiles, his arms also resting on top of the fence as he looks at the river in front of him, reflecting the endless sky above it.

“The stars are really pretty tonight, don’t you think?” you say again, and Jihoon can tell at once that you’re holding back your tears.

Your brother looks up to the sky, following your gaze. “Yeah, maybe they know you’re going to see them tonight.”

“He told you, didn’t he?” you turn to him, a smile in your face though the tear falling down your face betrays you. “He must’ve told you I want to go stargazing again.”

Jihoon moves closer to you, letting you bury your face in his chest as your tears refuse to stop falling. “He said he wants you to see the stars again. I’ve never been one to listen to Kwon Soonyoung, but I can’t not do that when I know that’s what you want, can I?”

You cry harder at the mention of his name, your heart tightening at the fact that you can’t see him ever again. You want to wonder if you deserve this, if you want to live a life without his smile brightening your day. But you know Soonyoung wouldn’t allow you to think like that.

Your selfless lover wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up for his choice, but it’s hard not to do that when you’re basically the cause of his demise.

You haven’t even spent that much time together with him, probably a few months pass a year since the first time you welcomed him to your life. But he was ready to lay his life down for you already and that’s exactly what he did. He gave you another chance at life and you know you can’t let his wish go to waste by mourning for too long.

“Stay there if you’re still crying, okay?” Jihoon says, his chin on top of your head. You can hear his voice faltering, but you understand why. “He might be watching you up there and I’m sure your tears aren’t what he wants to see.”

You nod, letting your tears fall some more before finally calming down, head pounding a little from too much crying. You let your hair down, hiding your face until you’re sure there’s no more trace of tears in your face except for your puffy eyes.

As you walk back home with Jihoon next to you, you look up to the sky, printing them in your mind. They seem to shine brighter that you’ve ever seen before.

You’d like to believe it’s Soonyoung shining down on you, knowing how much you love him and the stars.

이른 햇살이 녹아내린다 The early sunlight melts down

너를 닮은 눈부심이 내린다  The brightness that resembles you falls down

길을 잃은 내 눈은 이제야 Cry cry cry My eyes that have lost its way finally cry cry cry

A/N: how are you guys!!!! pls tell me if i was just too generous with my tears for crying over this lol i enjoyed writing this, though, so I really really hope you enjoy this. your thoughts are much appreciated!