#still undergoing editing but we're getting there

[ckret2]

I have a public service announcement! No one's done this lately so it's not aimed at anyone specific—but that's why I'm posting now, so it doesn't single anyone out.

It's true that, in-universe, Bill's said he's apathetic about what gender humans see him as. But you and I aren't in his fictional universe; we're in the real universe.

And out here in our real universe, when someone discovers that a guy they've ONLY ever referred to with he/him pronouns actually has breasts under his shirt? If that person is a conservative, they might start calling this man "she." If that person is more progressive, sometimes they start calling him "they." Like they'll respect that he's trans but refuse to respect that he's transmasc.

And because we live out here in the real world where I'm sick and tired of watching this happen, I'm also sick and tired of watching it happen to characters I write with he/him pronouns. Because multiple times I have had readers—nominally pro-LGBT readers!—start calling a he/him character I write "they/them" the second I headcanon him as transmasc or give him physical traits associated with AFAB bodies, in spite of the pronouns they see me use for him.

You've never seen canon call Bill anything but he/him. You've never seen the guy who invented Bill call him anything but he/him. Except when I write from the perspective of a character who literally DOESN'T KNOW they're looking at Bill, you've never seen ME refer to my specific interpretation of Bill with anything but he/him pronouns.

(And not to get too serious over cartoons, but—if you can't get a character's pronouns right after seeing me use THOUSANDS of he/him pronouns for him—a character whom you were INTRODUCED TO with the correct pronouns and whom you likely ONLY called by the correct pronouns for years, right up until the moment you saw him drawn with tits & hips—if the mere knowledge of his anatomy is enough to completely overwrite every single time you've seen & heard his pronouns used—then I worry about how y'all would talk about an IRL transmasc guy if you could see immediately that he's AFAB and only hear his pronouns once.)

Knowingly using the wrong pronouns doesn't magically become woke when it's gender neutral wrong pronouns. Stop ignoring the only pronouns you've ever seen me or the show call Bill. Do not misgender the silly cartoon triangle in my inbox & comments.

Thank you.

I'll GRUDGINGLY tolerate calling Bill the wrong name, since I know sometimes y'all need to differentiate whether you're talking to me about the vague concept of canon Bill or, specifically, the copy of Bill undergoing the events in my fic, and using his in-fic "this is the name used by PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS" nickname is convenient for that.

But I'd prefer it if you just said, like, "your Bill" or "Bill in your fic"—or, hell, just plain old "Bill" if it's already clear we're talking about my interpretation or my fic. He is Bill. Bill is his name. The name by which he goes is Bill. It grosses me out when people only call him by another name as if he's a different character altogether.

If you do call Bill a different name, please know: 1) I dislike that; 2) I never wanna see it outside of contexts where it's necessary for clarity; and 3) even if you're calling him the wrong name out of grammatical necessity, it's still the wrong name.

EDIT: I'm disabling reblogs on this post because people who don't even watch gravity falls, much less read this fic, have started trying to signal boost it. "Don't they/them transmasc he/hims" is an important message that should be spread, but it isn't the message of this post. The message of this post is "you know how people they/them transmasc he/hims? Don't do that to my fanfic cartoon character." This post is not for anybody who doesn't read my fic. Don't try to use a post about a Disney cartoon fanfic as a social activism message.

There are posts out there whose message is "don't they/them transmasc he/hims." If you want to spread that message, that's commendable, and you should find one of those posts or write your own.

[foone]

you know what'd be a fun idea for a trek fanshow? Star Trek: Mission Logs. You just put a couple people in starfleet uniforms, and have them read off summaries of episodes in an increasingly incredulous tone. Like Drunk History: Star Trek Edition.

"so the captain says that while on the way to the inauguration ceremony, they diverted course to Vulcan as their first officer needed SO MUCH to fuck that he was a week from death, but then when they got there, he got stood up, and then fought the captain TO DEATH but he was ok?"

"so it turns out when they disappeared during the battle with the borg, they went back in time and found out that the first use of warp drive had been undone, so they had to personally help Cochrane rebuild his ship, and they were there for first contact!?"

I say "drunk history" because I imagine the people at the starfleet HQ have to drink heavily to handle the kind of reports they keep getting in from starfleet captains.

"So after a miserable first contact, the commander, doctor, first officer, and science officer disappeared, and their security officer found that the boardgame the barkeep was playing had pieces that represented them? and they were somehow mystically imprisoned inside the game!"

"so the captain says that they detected a ship trapped inside a black hole (!?) and when they tried to rescue the ship, they got damaged and then discovered they were that ship, trapped inside without realizing. Fortunately they found the crack in the event horizon and escaped." (the lieutenant then passes out after finishing the entire bottle of Bolian vodka)

"So while they were on a vital mission to locate the aliens who had blown up florida and were planning to destroy the entire planet, they found a... Cowboy Planet!?" Everyone yells "COWBOY PLANET!" and takes a shot.

"So while testing a weapons upgrade, a crewmember's case of flu was accidentally turned into an infectious de-evolutionary mutagen, causing the crewmember to turn into a spider, and the rest of the crew to undergo similar changes." "stop, stop, STOP! you made that one up, admit it!" "no, really! Their counselor turned into a frog." "ok, now I'm just not going to believe anything you say."

"so a former captain of the ship was visiting when they tried to rescue a ship flying directly into a supernova, but got 'pulled in'!? and ended up in a REVERSE TIME UNIVERSE? naturally, everyone quickly de-aged to children, and the elderly former captain had to take command" "Spelk, you're not even trying this time, that's not even remotely plausible"

"So it turns out that the terrorist who took over the paradise planet was the first officer's (half-)brother, and he uses his magic hypnosis to cause the crew to mutiny and join his mission to travel to the middle of the galaxy... and find god!?" "Did... did they find god?" "oh yeah! turns out he was evil. Don't worry, the first officer blew him up using a klingon warbird." "he blew up god?" "yeah!"

"So this is a little different, it's not a mission log... it's a repair log." "That doesn't sound like it'd be very weird..." "Oh, just you wait. So, they had to get refueled because all their dilithium had been stolen." "Stolen?" "Yes. By a man from AN ANTIMATTER DIMENSION" "So a man in an antimatter dimension discovered there were two dimensions, and his matter counterpart went insane and obsessed with killing the anti-matter version of him, but meeting outside the dimensional corridor would destroy both universes" "both... universes? So if the captain didn't stop these guys, everyone in our entire universe and some other one would be gone?" "YEP!" "did he stop them? well, I guess he did, since we're still here" "oh yeah. trapped 'em in the dimensional corridor forever." "so they're just out there in some weird in-between-the-universes place, just fighting, for all time? and that's the only reason we haven't blown up?" "YEP!" "and this all came out in the logs... because they put in for repairs?" "yeah. to replace the stolen dilithium" "are you sure the captain wasn't really into dabo or kotra and wagered the dilithium crystals on a "sure thing" that didn't pan out?"

"So this one is a report of some people (with pictures!) who don't exist." "They don't exist?" "Nope! never did. They weren't born." "So, we have pictures of them, because?" "Well, the ship crashed, and the stranded crew had kids... then they uncrashed." "uncrashed?" "yeah! so it turns out when they approached the planet, they got thrown a couple centuries back in time, and met their descendants. then when they tried to leave, the ship would crash, restarting the loop. but it didn't." "it didn't?" "yeah, one of the crew was secretly in love with another officer, but she wasn't going to survive the crash, so despite the crew attempting to recreate the crash to continue the existence of their past-future-descendants, he sabotaged the ship into not crashing" "wait, into not crashing? he did sabotage to make everything... work perfectly?" "yeah! they were trying to crash, remember? So they inadvertently didn't crash, undoing the existence of all of their descendants, so they never existed. But here's their pictures!"

"ooh, I found a really weird one! It's not a mission report, medical file, or even another repair log" "So what is it? Another weird artifact?" "no no no, I sent those off to the SCP division. This is a SPY REPORT! About a dead Romulan!" "So this report is on a spy saying that the Romulans had gotten access to some secret information about the then-upcoming Intrepid-class starships. Very minimal info, but this was found in a Romulan database when the ship was just undergoing initial design stages" "Here's the weird part: The database file with the information on the Intrepid was timestamped 2351, but Starfleet didn't even start initial design work on the Intrepid until 2364!" "So they used time travel? to get... basic information on one single starship class?" "Kinda? See, there's a P.S. on the spy file, added later when it was declassified. The leaked info in the Romulan database was discovered in 2371, but the file was updated in 2378, with an explanation." "and?" "Remember when the U.S.S. Voyager was lost?" "oh yeah, they turned out to have just been stuck on the other side of the galaxy, right?" "Yeah! And while they were there, they found a microscopic wormhole, and successfully used it to communicate back with the Romulans... but discovered it was a TIME WORMHOLE" "oh, so they were talking to the Romulans back in 2351?" "Yep! They figured that out and then decided not to transport through the wormhole, as they would have gotten home 20 years before they left, but they sent some messages back to be delivered later. They didn't come through" "why not?" "well... turns out the romulan guy (Telek R'Mor) died before Voyager ever launched, so he never got a chance to deliver the messages. but he DID inform the Tal Shiar about some design elements of the Intrepid class, years before it was launched" "that must have confused them" "yes... the report is basically just two spy agencies completely confused about what to do about the intelligence they had, and confused about why they had it"

"ok ok ok, enough artifacts, mission logs, spy reports, medical reports, repair logs, how about a really weird one: A SENSOR REPORT!" "why is that one weird?" "well, look at the timestamp. Both of them." "so one timestamp is 2372, and the other is... negative 16 billion?" "yep! This one is a scan of the big bang. And slightly before it." "... before?" "Yeah! They did a scan, and then THE BIG BANG HAPPENED, and then fortunately they got out of there before the universe fully existed, as that would exceed the ship's safety tolerances" "so... why were they at the big bang?" "well... you know the farpoint encounter, and that godly being the USS Enterprise ran into?" "oh god (uh, no pun intended)... but yeah, vaguely" "WELL it turns out there was another one of those godly beings who was suicidal and imprisoned in a comet, and-" "wait wait wait. there was a god trapped in a comet?" "yes. apparently they're infinitely powerful but weak to comets. ANYWAY. he was suicidal and trying to hide" "hide? WHAT DOES A GOD HAVE TO HIDE FROM?" "well he was hiding from the other god! the one at farpoint! that one was the one who imprisoned him. because he was suicidal." "so the god was in the comet, and the other god put him there, and someone let him out? and then he hid?" "yes! and where does a god hide?" "at the big bang?" "slightly before, but yes! and he took the ship along with him, so that's how they were able to scan the big bang. because of getting involved in a weird game of hide-and-seek between a suicidal god and a jailer-god" "so what happened? how did they get out of the whole god-war thing?" "well... usual stuff. they put the god on trial to see if he could be allowed to die, but compromised on making him human and a crew member" "so they had a former god on their crew?" "briefly. then he died." "he died? after settling for human?" "yeah, it turned out the jailer-god changed his mind and decided to rebel against god-society and started by giving the former-god some deadly poison to let him finally die, like he wanted" "well, at least that seems to have ended... well?"

"oh no, there's a follow up! see, it seems the dead god thing lead to a god-civil-war and it seems that caused a bunch of supernovae in 2373." "wait... supernovae? plural? like, outshined-the-entire-galaxy SUPERNOVAE? that must have killed billions, or trillions!" "yep! it was a massive disaster and caused a real crisis in astronomy because we had no idea why it was happening, but it suddenly stopped, thankfully. But yes, it was started because the crew accidentally freed a suicidal god from a comet." "oh god..." "literally!"

"don't worry, though... that's not the weird bit" "HOW IS THAT NOT THE WEIRD BIT?" "OK I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP... but after the first supernovae of the 2373 Calamity, it turns out the captain (of the ship that killed the god) discovered another god... in her bed" "her... bed?" "Yeah! it turns out the other god wanted to have a child. with her." "... that's weird but what does this have to do with the supernovae?" "he wanted to end the war, and figured the best way to do it was to get her pregnant with a god-baby"

"NOPE! That's it! I'm out. that's not real. you're making it up. We don't live in a universe where one captain caused death across the universe by sparking a god-war and then only ending it by having a baby with a god. I'm out. I have a Warp Dynamics test to study for anyway."

"wait! wait! I didn't even tell you about the time she turned into a lizard and had babies with her pilot" "NO! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY WEIRD THINGS YOU MAKE UP, THERE ARE NO LIZARD BABIES"

"no, I swear, it really happened! Look, they went infinitely fast and occupied every point in the universe!" "THAT'S NOT HOW SPEED WORKS" "it is! and it turns out going everywhere at once infinitely fast turns you into a lizard!" "*sigh* Are there any reports on unhearing that?"

I imagine they sometimes decide to go HARD MODE on the report readings, where they have to put aside all the ones with "Voyager" on them. They're just too easy.

"So I've got two reports here, and I want you to pick between them. One is the second weirdest transporter visitor log, and the other is a report on why a science officer is 30 years old... except his head, which is 495 years old!" "I'm going to cut you off there, because I know your tricks: those are both the same incident." "Yep! You got me. Am I really that predictable?" "You are. Also, second weirdest transporter visitor log? You phrased that very specifically..." "I wanted to rule out all the transporter accidents and strange misuses of the transporter, and focus solely on WHO was transported. This was the second weirdest person." "I'm not going to take the obvious bait and ask who it was... but I will ask: who is the weirdest?" "Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. President of the United States, a predecessor to the unified Earth government... he died in 1865." "WHY WAS HE TRANSPORTED? Who was time traveling back to the 1860s? and if they were in the 1860s, why were they beaming up Presidents?" "HARDMODE: No time travel! He was transported out of open space in 2269, because he had been recreated by the local mineral beings on their lava-planet" "why... why did the lava aliens recreate a 19th century Earth president?" "To study GOOD AND EVIL!" "Like you do, I guess?" "Yeah... anyway, the recreated Lincoln got killed by a spear, thrown by either Genghis Khan or Kahless the Unforgettable" "THE FOUNDER OF THE KLINGON EMPIRE?" "Yeah! he got recreated too. And teamed up with Genghis." "No. no no no no no you made this up" "It's real! Check it out, there's a message here to the diplomatic department, asking for the proper protocol to accept a 19th century US president abort a quasi-military vessel. And there's a video clip! Hit play on that..."

"Man, video quality was terrible back in 2269" "Yeah, they were using analog tapes back then. Don't ask why. Retrotechnology studies are so complicated even without timetravel messing everything up. So yeah, apparently the answer is 'dress uniforms, security guys, whistle'" "oh yeah. You can't welcome a 19th century Earth president on board without a whistle. Where's your sense of ceremony!?"

"So I really have to go, my Intermediate Klingoneese class starts in like 5 minutes, but just tell me one thing: Who was the 2nd weirdest transporter visitor on the logs?" "Oh! Samuel Clemens." "Who?" "Mark Twain! Earth author, wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn?" "What? How?" "Yeah, a crew found a time portal that went back to 1893, while trying to figure out why the head of one of their crewmembers was in a cave on earth, and accidentally sent him forward to 2368, and beamed him aboard." "Did they wipe his memory afterwards or something?" "NOPE!" "So the 19th century Earth author Mark Twain, who I'm now remembering wrote a novel about time travel, didn't he?" "yep!" "So he wrote about time travel and HAD PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH IT?" "Yeah! thanks to snake aliens, eating humans in the past"

"Yeah I'm gonna go ask my teacher how they say 'You deserve to die for your lies' on Qo'noS" "I think it's... Hegh nep qotlh SoH? maybe 'urmang instead of nep?" "I'M OUT, petaQ!"

(a transcript of a twitter thread I made from back in July 2020)

[whumpsday]

Would you unveil a bit of the mystery of where we're heading with Kane and Jim now? 👀👀👀

Is it perhaps time for Jim to meet Bellamy👀

(Ignore if it's too spoilery or you just don't wanna say :3)

jim and bellamy will indeed meet in the near future, but i'm not going to dwell on it as it won't be very exciting.

here's a very vague (to avoid spoilers) outline of what i have planned for the rest of k&j's present arc. (though i also have a lot more i wanna write for kane's captivity arc! and a scant few pieces for jim's.)

the present arc is divided into 3 parts. part 1 is already over, and we're in the beginning of part 2. the majority of part 2 will be spent having kane get used to freedom, undergo some development and growth, and, crucially, wrap up things i set up in part 1 (the stake under the pillow, jim's book, etc). the latter segment of part 2 will be VERY EXCITING AND WHUMPY.

part 3 will be spent dealing with the aftermath of the climax of part 2, developing the relationship between kane and bellamy (oh god i have to write romance?!?), and dealing with the fact that the hunters are still just out there hunting vampires and probably shouldn't be.

there will also be epilogue stuff i'll write at random points but that won't really be an "arc", just standalone-type pieces that are years, decades, or even centuries apart. same with prequel stuff taking place during kane's and bellamy's childhood.

after i finish all the "main" stuff for k&j, i want to go back through the entire series and edit it aggressively to be more cohesive and make some changes i only thought of later, such as kane making his first attempt to capture a human when he turns 18 and having a close run-in with hunters he barely escapes, and making real, distinct characters out of kane's torturers.

i also have some plans for a few one-shot side stories taking place in the kane & jim universe, but not involving any of the characters. one will take place in the far past and show the creation of the first vampires, and another will be about a pair of humans hiding out in the woods in vampire territory long-term, having escaped their captivity but being nowhere close to human territory and unable to get to true freedom.

[writergracethepanda]

🔥 choose violence ask game 🔥 Secret Shanghai Edition

the character everyone gets wrong

Marshall. He is canonically an excellent cook, s why are we convinced he'd set something on fire if left alone in the kitchen?

a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

no comment

screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME I have seen Alisa and Phoebe shipped (let aroace people live and bisexuals are still bisexual even in a seemingly hetero relationship) or those takes I've seen on TikTok of people shipping Rosalind and Benedikt and Celia and Marshall if I weren't on my computer I would put sooooo many barf emojis here

what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

luckily nothing yet I believe

worst discord server and why

mine with my friends its sooo annoying how we have incredibly amazing and intelligent and sometimes incoherent conversations like guys we're the worst (sarcasm)

which ship fans are the most annoying?

like I said, anyone who ships the above things needs to stay 10 feet away from me at all times and undergo intense media literacy training

what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

I think everyone's answer for this is Oliver. I'm so sorry we (especially me tbh) did you so dirty pre fhh I promise we've learnt our lesson!

common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Oliver loves cats. incorrect. Cats are his entire life. there is a difference, and we need to recognize it.

worst part of canon

roma and Alisa's dad just disappeared before I could beat him up

worst part of fanon

we're too funny my stomach literally hurts from laughing too hard sometimes. Seriously though, the above ship takes that make my blood boil, as well as some complaints about how a lot of us talk about how we think certain characters are neurodivergent/disabled. While I think some of those are actually considered canon, I don't understand why people are so made that we (a relatively neurospicy bunch) are identifying the parts of characters we relate to and labeling them. We're doing you no harm and not interfering with your ability to enjoy the characters. Shouldn't it be a good thing that we're able to identify with the characters? Just mind your business. (also anyone who erases Rosalind's and Alisa's aroaceness that is indeed canon and I hope both sides of your pillow are too warm)

number of fandom-related words you've filtered

I don't think any

the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

I don't think anyone hates these guys, but why don't we ever talk about the couple from LVC? They were so sweet, and I'm kind of sad we didn't get any mention of them in FHH.

worst blorboficiation

I feel like a bad Tumblr user, but I don't know what this means. is this like uwu-ification?

that one thing you see in fics all the time

@typingwithmyhandstied 's GENIUS

that one thing you see in fanart all the time

Juliette always has the appropriate amount of knives thank you very much for that guys :)

you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

I personally don't get into the Rosalind is a vampire thing, but I'm cheering you guys on from afar (im just not into vampires lol)

there should be more of this type of fic/art

idk I should probably work on my university au

it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

the fact that not only did she feel comfortable falling asleep around Orion (see one of @no-1-rosalind-lang-apologist 's recent posts) but Rosalind was also muttering in French in that scene. Her dominant language. She was both out of it enough/comfortable enough with him that she dropped the I was raised in American fake accent and just started speaking normally in this essay I will- basically we need to talk more about the use of multilingualism in the ss books

you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

past me would be horrified to know that I like Oliver now

part of canon you found tedious or boring

I think TVD can be a bit boring sometimes, but that makes sense, since it was Chloe's debut, and she's grown immensely since then

part of canon you think is overhyped

the seagreen trio is overrated (they are literally my favorite characters)

your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

THE MULTILIGUALISM

ship you've unwillingly come around to

Olivercelia. Like I said, I was his strongest hater pre fhh. Now I see what she clearly sees in him.

topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

discourse on ss Tumblr is mostly joking. my personal favorite is when @marsneedstherapy and I pretend to yell at each other in different languages

common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

"no one appreciates x enough" I do. I love them.

[losergender]

intro post & fic list

SUNNY | lvl. 19 - he/they - white - autistic - LGBT+

fandoms | pjo, trigun, hadesgame, hadestown, the magnus archives, epic the musical, arcane, gravity falls, sk8 the infinity, bsd, drawfee, derry girls, dungeon meshi . . .

psa | my favorite book series ("la segunda revolución" / 2rev) was written by 2 spanish authors, edited twice and never translated to any language. the fandom is pretty much me and 2 other people but i WILL post about it like it's the biggest thing ever to make you feel forced to read it.

FICS BY ME !

PJO & ALL RELATED MEDIA

"now we're living the dream (and i hope we never wake up)" -> solangelo, band au, set in the early 90s, strangers to lovers, found family, fluff (on-going, 6/? chapters)

"always gonna be an uphill battle" -> solangelo, high school au, coming of age, disabled + autistic nico, trans will solace with anxiety + he plays basketball (20 chapters, 164k)

"extreme cabin makeover" -> solangelo, nico-centric, canon compliant, slightly older characters, slice of life (nico has to spend a week in cabin 11 while his undergoes renovations), multi chaptered (3/7 chapters)

"but i'm afraid to get sick" -> solangelo, sick fic in which nico catches measles and will realizes he forgot to vaccinate his 30s boyfie, one-shot (2.8k)

"i can't hide from you like i hide from myself" -> solangelo, fluff, will washing nico's hair, one-shot (2.9k)

"the more you know" -> solangelo, trans will coming out to nico who doesn't know trans people exist, one-shot (3k)

"everytime it rains (you're here in my head)" -> solangelo, emotional hurt/comfort, disabled nico, sick fic?, nico goes through a flare up and deals with internalized ableism, will saves the day, one-shot (3.9k)

"don't know how" -> solangelo, 5 + 1, fluff, nico plans a sleepover to declare to will during it, one-shot (11k)

"riding through all these western nights" -> gen, canon compliant, set between ttc and tbotl, homeless nico meeting magnus on the streets of boston, one-shot (2.8k)

"on candy-stripe, legs the spiderman comes" -> gen (slightly solangelo?), gravity falls crossover, alive bianca di angelo, halloween special (7.3k)

BUNGO STRAY DOGS

"taroko" -> ranpoe, autistic ranpo, aquarium date gone slightly wrong, fluff (5k)

"when i go (bury me six feet in snow)" -> ranpoe, christmas date gone really wrong, first christmas together, autistic ranpo, frostbite (2.9k)

"murphy's law" -> sigchuu, genderbend, post-canon, love at first sight, nonbinary sigma, stargazing, getting together (5.8k)

"it's murder on the dancefloor" -> ranpoe, autistic ranpo, whodunnit/murder mystery, getting together, somehow they find time to be cute in the middle of a murder case (6.6k)

"and the heart is hard to translate" -> ranpoe, autistic ranpo, dimension/time travelling, steampunk, oblivious pining, everyone thinks they are together (5k)

"(not strong enough) to be your man" -> higugin, oblivious pining, queer themes, coming out, undercover mission, getting together (3.3k)

SK8 THE INFINITY

"of messy hand-writing & love letters" -> renga, royal au, prince/maid, gnc reki, autistic langa, childhood friends to lovers, class diferences (on hiatus - 57k, 6/? chapters)

"i will see your body bare (and still i will live here)" -> renga, non-sexual intimacy, established relationship, first "i love you" (1.8k)

ARCANE

"the day that i met you (i started dreaming)" -> timebomb, modern au, fluff, no one dies, kindergarden teacher ekko, jinx is isha's caretaker, mild hurt/comfort, hallmark movie coded (2/3 chapters out, 19k)

2REV

"los rumores mantienen la ilusión" -> kastor/enzo, post-canon, aged up characters, lyceum teacher enzo x lyceum archivist kastor, domestic fluff (3.9k)

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

Raven and I are watching a very cool dude's off-grid house for the week while he goes to stay with his sister. She's undergoing chemotherapy for the nth time and thinks this is the last one her body can take.

We're 30 minutes from the nearest town. 40 minutes from the nearest emergency facility. We are surrounded by Jarusalem crickets and Mormon crickets. The desert wind is constant.

I am thinking of what Leelah Alcorn would be like today, had she been given the unconditional love and support she deserved. Because I remember her death, vividly. I remember being on tumblr when her note hit and how fast it reached me. I remember crying for this little girl I had never been allowed to meet. I remember thinking, at the time, "My God, she's only two years older than Adrienne."

She was 17. If she had been allowed, even begrudgingly, to transition, she would be 28 today. Adrienne has grown up and into such an amazing person from who she was 11 years ago.

Who would Leelah be? Would she have gone on to lead a perfectly average life? Or would she have been extraordinary? Somewhere in between?

I'm just thinking about her a lot this morning because we'll never get to know and in having a sad over it.

Leelah, if you are still around in some form, some old queer dumbass in rural Nevada is thinking of you today. If my gods are right, you're not truly dead, because we remember you and we will never forget you, and what you had the potential to become.

Edited to add: Transform is a very cool, free service offered to Trans youth in Ohio, where Leelah was from. They help Trans kids dress and feel the way they want to. They don't need parental permission to get an appointment - they get free clothes and a haircut.

Consider donating in her memory if this reminder of her hurts.

[saiilorstars]

Ch.4: Knocked Down

Steve Rogers x OFC fic 

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Story Masterlist • Seren’s Masterlist•Chloe’s Masterlist

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It had been a few days since Seren and Thor had been rescued from the abandoned lab and since then, the team worked nonstop to find out the origins of the poison and the trap itself. In the meantime, Seren and Thor were undergoing a series of exams for detoxification purposes and recuperation. Only Thor had successfully woken up from his detox procedures; Seren was still out cold ever since she underwent the toxicity exams. Dr. Cho promised that it was just a matter of time before she woke up like Thor.

Steve couldn't see the day that happened. A few was more than long for him. He was with Seren whenever he wasn't working with the team, which was the better part of the day. He just needed her to wake up already.

Chloe was able to rip him away for half an hour and only because Dr. Cho had found something in the toxicology tests they'd run on Seren and Thor. Tony and Banner were waiting for them in the lab.

"Helen sent over the list of what she found," Chloe said once the list was up in a hologram for them.

"Let me guess — not good?" Steve said sarcastically.

"I'd say it's interesting," Tony piped up from his spot.

"What should I be looking at here?"

Banner zoomed in on what they wanted to share. "Take a look at this. HYDRA's been busy. We found star matter amongst the toxins Seren and Thor were poisoned with. It actually makes up most of the ingredients."

"Star matter?" scowled Steve. "How did they get their hands on 'star matter'?"

"From SHIELD," Chloe replied in a low mutter.

Steve's head swung her direction, his eyebrows shooting upwards. "Excuse me?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who took those samples," Chloe said with her hands raised in front of her.

"Where did—?"

"SHIELD was always training Seren so, yeah, they took samples of her powers," Chloe explained. "Especially when she was younger. It was to study her abilities and amplify them. When SHIELD went down, everything…"

"…passed into HYDRA's hands," Steve let out a heavy sigh. It was the gift that kept on giving.

"Exactly," nodded Chloe and gestured towards the screen, "Take it away Banner."

Banner came around the desk and explained what HYDRA had managed to do with the samples. "They made a synthesized version of Seren's abilities, making it toxic for her. She reacted to it like her own body was attacking her. Thor's body responded like it was any other attack — he just needed time to heal from it like an injury."

"How is that even possible?" asked Steve, looking between the screen and Tony.

"It's not that hard," shrugged Tony, "Seren's powers are volatile all on their own. It wasn't that hard to poke at it until they made a version even she couldn't withstand. We're lucky she's on our side by the way."

"If this is right, and they walked into a trap — the trap was meant for Seren," Steve said, growing angrier by the second, "They knew she was coming. Someone tipped them off."

"I don't think so," Chloe cleared her throat, gaining their attention. Steve looked at her expectantly. "My dreams — and the Hivemind — calculated the odds and they're very slim. We feel like it was just dumb luck Seren walked into it."

"Yeah, but someone made that to attack her," Steve said through gritted teeth, "And I want to know who it was."

"Good luck," scoffed Tony. "HYDRA's got hundreds of workers and they're just going down the obvious route."

"'Obvious route'?" Banner raised an eyebrow at him.

"It's not obvious? I thought it was pretty obvious, no? Take out the stronger players in the game. My money is you're next, Banner. The green guy's pretty big and strong, don't you think?"

"Not the time, Tony," mumbled Banner, pursing his lips. Steve certainly didn't think it was.

"They want to take us down one by one," Steve muttered, "All they did now was just make me angrier."

"What this means is we have to be ready for other similar attacks to this one," Tony said, "We should check to see if Asgardians are allergic to something."

"Tony," sighed Chloe.

"Are you allergic to anything?" Tony asked her, ignoring everyone's reprimanding looks.

"Banner," Steve called on the man, "if this was a direct attack on Seren, what are some of the effects it can have on her?"

Banner pulled his glasses off and levelled a look with Steve. "I'm not entirely sure…" he admitted. "This is uncharted territory."

"Yeah, but if you had to take a guess…?" Steve was desperate for any kind of indication about Seren's health. The more he knew, the more he could try and help her.

Banner gave it some thought for his sake. "I guess…we're looking at some internal damage…I don't know, loss of movement?"

"What?" Chloe paused and moved to Steve's side, both of them wearing similar concerned faces.

"I don't know, guys!" Banner reiterated so they wouldn't jump to conclusions. "For all we know, Seren's body is getting rid of the toxin as we speak! Nothing like this has ever happened, right? I can't tell you because I don't know what's going to happen!"

Steve didn't want to stand there and do nothing. "I need to go see Seren," he decided and started to head out when Dr. Cho rushed in and bumped into him.

"Good, you're all here!" she exclaimed at the sight of them. "We need to talk. Seren woke up."

"Dr. Cho, hold on!" Steve called to the woman and sprinted towards her. Chloe was left to take big steps after him.

Immediately, Steve told Dr. Cho the situation with what they found.

"...we really need to run those exams to know what's going to happen to Seren."

"I understand," nodded Dr. Cho said, "But I can already tell you some of the effects have already been displayed."

"You can?" Chloe blinked. Dr. Cho nodded again. "How?"

"Because Seren woke up half an hour ago." Dr. Cho faced the two stunned Avengers. She herself wasn't pleased with the situation.

"Wh-what happened?" Steve asked. "Is she — is she okay?"

Dr. Cho's eyes flickered to Banner and Tony. "I fear our suspicions were right."

"What-what does that mean?" Chloe's head flipped between the two sides.

"She woke up, uh, but we had to sedate her again…"

Steve began to head out of the room, absolutely despising himself for leaving Seren again. She woke up and no doubt freaked out with all the medical stuff around her!

"Steve, stop! There's nothing you could have done!" Dr. Cho called. "Unfortunately, Seren's exhibiting a form of muscle function loss."

Steve immediately turned to Banner and the latter popped his hands in front of himself.

"It was just a guess!" Banner exclaimed.

Chloe moved over to Dr. Cho and guided the doctor further into the lab. "So Seren can't walk or anything? Is that it?"

"It's a bit more than that, I'm afraid," Dr. Cho said, turning towards the rest. "Everything from the waist down is basically in a state of paralysis and she showed partial loss of movement in the arms. There's also evidence of hypoesthesia on her hands."

"Hypo-what?" Chloe scrunched her face.

"Loss of feel and touch," Banner explained.

Steve reacted fast and with grave concern. "How is this possible!?" He started for the doorway again when Dr. Cho called him to stay.

"She's sedated again, she's not going to wake up anytime soon," she said.

"We were just telling Steve about the synthesized toxins from the exams," Tony said, and Dr. Cho nodded.

"Yes, a rare and highly complicated matter if you ask me," Dr. Cho remarked. Everyone took her word for it. She was next to genius after all. "Think of the toxin as an autoimmune disease where the body attacks its own healthy cells and organs. I'm still currently running a couple more tests but we've started building a picture."

"And what does it look like exactly?" Steve asked seriously.

"It looks like Seren's natural star matter was depleted pretty badly. The synthesized version attacked her organs as well. The good news is that her healing abilities have already kicked in and her strong physiology is what saved her from more severe damage."

"So what can we do to help Seren?" Steve said. "What can we do?" He would do whatever it took to get Seren back to her normal self. He already failed her once, he wasn't going to do it a second time.

"We did a few reflex movement tests and she showed automatic reflexes, small but nonetheless present. It means with long-time therapy, she should regain movement again."

"How long would that take?" Chloe asked. She suspected Seren wouldn't take the answer well.

"Depends on a number of things, really. It also depends on how much effort Seren is willing to put in."

"It won't be a matter of effort," Steve said abruptly, grim, "She's going to be disillusioned. Her powers mean everything to her. To her, not having her powers will mean she's not useful anymore."

Chloe would not argue with the logic because no matter how terrible it was, it was still true. She could already hear Seren complaining about how 'useless' she would be to the team and how pointless it would be to even be in the Tower anymore.

"Well then I suppose that will be your job in this process," Dr. Cho said, smiling widely at the group. "I can't do it all, right?"

Steve appreciated the woman's attempt to be light about the situation. He wouldn't trust any other doctor with Seren's life. "We can try but this being the situation, I hardly think Seren will want to listen to me right now…"

Dr. Cho smiled lightly. "You never know, Captain. You might be surprised. For now, our first order of business is getting her to wake up without freaking out."

"I volunteer Capsicle for that," Tony pointed at Steve, "or the green guy…" He looked over to Banner with a cheeky grin. "Basically anyone with the muscle to stop her."

"Shush, Tony," scolded Chloe. She glanced at Steve beside her with eyes asking 'what are we going to do?'.

Steve knew what they had to do — what he needed to do — but the idea of going to see Seren and getting rejected was by no means any motivation. He would deserve it, but it would still hurt.

~0~

It was hard listening to the truth, despite Dr. Cho assuring Seren that she would regain movement with the right therapy. She was lucky. She just needed to put her best effort.

Seren saw things differently.

She raged for a long time, accidentally setting off a streak of star matter that almost got Dr. Cho's head. How stupid had she been? She walked into that trap without a second glance. She was the leader of the Avengers — she was supposed to know! She nearly got her friends killed.

"I deserve all this," she muttered to herself.

Not a second later, someone knocked on the open door. She froze seeing Steve there and wished she could cross her arms to feel a little less awkward. He was truthfully the last person she wanted to see right now — correction, she didn't want him to see her like this.

"What do you want?" Her voice was cold with ire.

"To see you, uh…talk maybe," Steve said, coming in cautiously. He wasn't used to being on the receiving end of such coldness.

"I'm not really in the mood," Seren said, looking away from him. "I've just been told how I royally messed up. Guess in the end, you were right."

"That is not what I wanted to happen," Steve said, gazing down at her sympathetically, "I would never want you to get hurt. Don't you know that?"

"Frankly right now, I don't care!" Seren exclaimed. "In case you haven't heard, I messed up so badly that I got myself stuck in a bed!"

"Seren, you have to believe that this isn't your fault." Steve winced when Seren laughed bitterly.

"I led the damn mission, Steve," her eyes flickered back to him, "And you told me not to! You told me not to use the damn list and I didn't listen!"

"No, hold on, that's not what I meant!" Steve said, but Seren was shaking her head adamantly.

"You warned me…I should have…this is my fault, it's all my fault!"

"Seren, when I talked about that list, I wasn't doing it because I didn't trust the places."

"The places, me, Citlalli — you just didn't trust anything and you were right!"

Steve pursed his lips. He had the feeling that anything he said would be used against him. "Seren, you're not listening."

"No, I am listening perfectly!"

"I fear that you're not..." Steve stepped closer to her bedside. He was regretting coming in at this point. Seren was beyond angry and frustrated and he dared to think that it was not all geared towards him. She felt herself in a helpless and hopeless situation. "Seren, there's a recuperation process—"

"Recuperation?" Seren laughed disparingly. "Not you too! There is no way I'm going to get out of this! I messed up so badly here! I can't get up, Steve! Do you not see that!? I'd flap my hands but I can't move them either!" Her anger seemed to wane as the emotions began getting the best of her.

"Seren, honey, c'mon look at me," Steve gently turned her head in his direction, "What happened is horrible, I know, but you can get through this. I'm very sorry for not being there for you — I would take your place in a heartbeat."

Seren swallowed the lump in her throat. "…I can barely feel your fingers on my hand," she whispered.

Steve looked down at their interlocked hands. His heart sank. "Dr. Cho — Helen, she said…it was temporary…we just gotta work on it…"

"Please let go of my hand," Seren politely asked. "I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I want to be alone!"

Steve let go of her hand at her request. "Seren, please—"

"I said get out!" Seren shouted and he froze. "I don't want to see anyone! I don't — I just want to be alone! I've harmed myself more than I ever have and I don't need people — you — to see me like this! GO!" Angry tears were pricking at the corners of her eyes. If they spilled, she wouldn't be able to wipe them away and she definitely did not want Steve around to see that even that had changed. She was nothing like the girl he met and this new version was not good enough for him. "GET OUT!"

Steve backtracked away from the bed with a heavy heart — a broken heart. You deserve it, he reminded himself as he left the room.

~ 0 ~

"You know she speaks from a place of anger towards the situation, not at you." Natasha slid a cup of tea to Steve over the kitchen isle. He looked absolutely miserable.

"I'm sure it's both," he said quietly, eyes downcast. He'd never seen Seren that angry and much less at him. "I pushed her too hard when we were already too far from each other. I should have never gone in."

"You know what I think?" Natasha took a seat across the isle from him. Steve gave her the gesture to go ahead. "I think she would have yelled at anyone who crossed that doorway. She had pent-up anger already and waking up to the fact she couldn't feel her legs made it a thousand times worse. She would have destroyed that room if she still had her powers."

Steve thought everything she said made perfect sense, but he still couldn't let go of the misery. "…is this your way of telling me not to feel that bad?"

A smile crossed Natasha's face. "Is it working?"

The same smile appeared on Steve's face. "Not really."

Natasha looked at him and all his pain, sympathizing with him.

"I failed her. I should have never let her go on her own."

"You wouldn't have been able to do anything, Steve," Natasha said. Steve shook his head at her. "You wouldn't have. Seren would've never let you go in there. She would've slammed the door on you and you wouldn't have opened it knowing you could risk exposing the rest of us to the toxin."

Steve's shoulders slumped. She was right. He wouldn't have because at the end of the day, Seren would've begged him not to.

"She's mad at the world right now, Steve. Nothing you say right now is going to change that."

"Yeah, but shouldn't I be able to?" Steve countered. He didn't even bother with the tea and pushed it to the side. "I mean, is that not what I'm supposed to be able to do for her? I love her, Natasha, I should be able to pull her out of this."

"Nobody can pull anyone out of something if they don't want to be helped," Natasha remarked matter-of-factly. "And that does not mean she loves you any less too. She's too hurt to see anything right now."

"So what do I do? Let her wallow in it?" Steve didn't like the idea at all. He wanted to be there for Seren, to fix everything between them. "I need to apologize for everything. She was right. I didn't trust anything from that list. I always trust Seren but the anger I felt…it just clouded my head."

"Give it a few days," Natasha said, "let her cool off. In the meantime, we can think of a way to get through to her and how you can you can get back in her good graces."

Steve felt like that last one would be almost impossible.

"Perhaps I can help with that first one," Thor said, announcing his presence. He wobbled into the room towards them.

"How are you doing, Thor?" Natasha asked the Asgardian cheerfully.

"Better, just a slight little balancing problem," Thor gestured to the way he walked, "but nothing that won't go away in a few more days. I, uh, heard about Seren. I feel awful for not doing more to help her."

"Thor, you saved her life," Steve corrected him. "I will never be able to repay you for that. You were there for her when I wasn't."

Thor smiled at him in return. "It doesn't mean your love for her is not strong. Can I try to help?"

"Please," Steve practically begged.

Thor nodded, clapping Steve on the shoulder.

~0~

When Thor came into Seren's room, the Celessian was sitting upright in her bed staring blankly ahead.

"I'm glad you're awake," he said, offering her a smile that she did not match. Her eyes briefly flickered to him before darting to the opposite side of the room.

"Dr. Cho promised not to put me under again if I promised to calm down," she mumbled.

Thor walked all the way up to Seren's bedside. "I'm happy to see you're awake, no matter the circumstances."

"I'm glad you're okay," Seren said, gazing down at Thor's body. "Walking and talking…"

Thor lowered his head. "Yes, I'm grateful. And I am sorry for what happened to you."

"Don't be," Seren said, shrugging lightly, "It's my fault. I walked into a trap…and I was stupid enough to lead you in as well."

"Nobody led me anywhere, Seren. I walked in there all on my own."

"Thor, I could have killed you because I wasn't paying attention. I just wanted to get in and out like the rest of the places we went through. It's my fault!"

"Maybe we did go a little faster than usual but it was a regular mission like the rest. I know they were a little more difficult for you because of your arguments with Steve."

"Had I listened, maybe I wouldn't be here right now."

"This is not forever, not according to Dr. Cho. She says with some work, you can get yourself back on your feet."

"In a long time, Thor!" Seren's eyes watered. "And in the meantime? What, I'm just going to stay here and be a burden to everyone? You should just send me home to Hudson."

"Why would we do that? This isn't the first time one of us gets hurt. Why should your situation be any different?"

"Because it's my fault! Because I should—" she gritted her teeth, hard, "—have known better! I'm the leader! I've led a ton of other missions and I've never been knocked down like this! And more than that, I got you hurt too! I'm not fit to be a leader."

"All of us know what we signed up for when we formed the Avengers," Thor reminded Seren, "This was just one of those failed missions. We've had them before and we'll have them again." He gently put his hand over hers, earning one small bitter laugh from her then.

"I can't even feel your hand," she said, thinking back to when Steve had done the same. "How am I supposed to pick myself up when I'm so low, I might as well just let myself drown."

"Oh, the Lady of the Stars does not give up so easily!" Thor gave her a little nudge that, unfortunately, she didn't feel very much. "Even leaders make mistakes. A good leader knows when to recognize them."

"I think I've lost the claim to that title, don't you think? I can't even get my powers to work anymore. It's like someone turned the 'off' button."

Thor shook his head at her. "I learned the hard way that your powers don't make you who you are. You taught me that as well, remember?"

Seren swallowed hard. New Mexico seemed like it was ages ago. "I was different back then too."

"Of course you were," Thor chuckled lightly, "You were just discovering yourself too. Funny thing is, that never stops. For people like us, it really goes on forever. There is so much to see and experience, Seren, you cannot let yourself fall for one mistake."

Seren's breath was shaky when she met his look again. "I'm scared. Helen says my powers are probably only temporarily affected but who knows, right? I'm terrified that I lost them forever. I don't know what life is like without them. Yes, they're hell sometimes and I've had to miss out on so many things because of them but at the end of the day, they're a part of me. I don't want to lose them."

"Well then let's get to work, Seren — Captain," Thor gave her a mock salute that managed to break through her facade. She smiled the tiniest of smiles, but it was a good start. "And while we're on that topic, for what it's worth, he's very concerned about you…not to mention very sorry."

"I don't even remember why we're arguing so much," Seren admitted out loud, "but now I just…I don't want to drag him down with me."

"Are you kidding? It would be his privilege to walk alongside you, and I'm sure he knows it," Thor poked her cheek gently. "He's more than ready to prove himself. What do you think? Shall I go get him?"

Seren cast a look at the doorway. "I don't know…I was so mean, I shouted at him…why would he want to come back to that? To me?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised," hummed Thor teasingly. "C'mon, let yourself be helped, Seren. You've helped each of us in the past when we needed it the most, now it's our turn to help you."

Seren looked Thor in the eyes and managed to smile lightly. "You saved my life. You gave up your oxygen so that I could survive. I think you did your part already…"

"How was I going to let my friend die?"

Seren sniffed. "Thank you."

Thor leaned over and pressed a kiss on Seren's forehead. "Anytime, Lady of the Stars. So, can I inform Dr. Cho you'll go ahead with the process?"

Seren nodded at him. She had to bite her bottom lip to keep herself from crying like a child.

"And can I also go get Steve for you?"

As much as Seren wanted to see Steve, she also wanted to be ready with what she was going to say. Things had been so tense between them and with what she did earlier was just too much to take on right now.

~0~

Over the next few days, Seren gradually calmed down. What came next was the up and down roller coaster of guilt and depression. She carried the guilt of almost leading her team into a trap, and she couldn't stop lamenting her accident. But what she really couldn't stop thinking about the most was how she treated Steve the last time she saw him.

It was actually a recurring nightmare.

"You're overreacting, it wasn't that bad." Chloe was, of course, lying to her and they both knew it. Chloe didn't have the heart to tell Seren how much it hurt Steve to be rejected that way.

But Seren knew. Of course she knew. They never argued and much less shouted at each other the way she had. She went big.

"He understands that you were in a really bad place when he came to see you," Chloe insisted, and that was true.

Seren was in tears just thinking about it. "It's no excuse, I know, but…I didn't…I didn't want him to see me like that — like this!" She looked down at her motionless body. "He doesn't know me like this!"

"He knows you perfectly and I know that you find it hard to believe, but none of this changes how much he loves you. You could throw a star bolt at him and he'd still love you."

Seren continued to doubt. Steve hadn't been anywhere near her anymore and she wouldn't blame him. She was staying in their room again for her comfort and despite all his things being inside, he didn't show up once.

"Here, let's get you looking better!" Chloe suggested a good change of clothes and a little bit of makeup would help for a pick-me-up. Seren didn't like it but she also didn't want to make Chloe's life harder. She wasn't stupid; they were all babysitting her. Before Chloe, Thor had come into the room to help her with breakfast and kept her entertained with stories about his time on Asgard. Natasha had stayed with her the previous night and Tony had come in before that.

She was never alone.

"I swear to God if Tony recorded over the Vampire Diaries again, I'm gonna kill him." Chloe plopped down on Seren's bed with the control remote. "The new season is so good! Watch with me!"

Seren shook her head. "I doubt t.v. is going to fix my problems."

"Well, when your life looks like shit, you gotta fill it up with something and this is the best we're going to get!"

Seren scoffed and shot her friend a look. "You're joking. I can't even sit upright without someone needing to help me. No pretend t.v. vampire is going to help me feel any better right now."

Chloe wasn't phased by the snappish voice Seren used. She'd been doing it to everyone. Sometimes between the guilt and depression, the ire slipped in. "Oh, I know what would make you feel better. He's three floors down beating the crap out of a sandbag. Should I go get him?"

Seren met Chloe's blunt words with even more irritation.

Chloe smirked. Sometimes, snapping back was more effective than coddling. "Well?"

Seren looked away. In doing so, she ended up gazing at a frame of her and Steve together. It stood on the nightstand of her bedside. It was of them in Hudson with perfect rays of sunset light illuminating the picture. Steve held her from behind, both of them smiling at the camera. Her heart hurt all over again.

Chloe exhaled and turned on the bed to face Seren. "I'm serious. I can go get Steve right now. JARVIS will tell him to come! Right, JARVIS?"

"Right, Miss Winters!' went the A.I.

"Please, let me call him!" Chloe put her hands together and her best pouty face.

Seren shook her head. She couldn't face him. That was the plain truth. She was embarrassed and guilty. How could she talk to him? Apologize?

Chloe was disappointed as Seren began to try and shift herself for a nap. With a sigh, she of course helped Seren out and that was the last conversation they had for the rest of the day.

~0~

Maybe it was the conversation staying with her, or maybe it was the incompetence she felt at being constantly babysitting, but that night Seren demanded to be alone for sleep. She wanted to wallow in her troubles alone and maybe, hopefully, fall asleep. Too many things ran through her head before that could actually happen.

She was set to start her therapy sessions tomorrow. Needless to say, she was freaking out about it. Too many doubts swirled in her chest. What if nothing got better? What if nothing worked and this was her future now? Then her mind thought about the pain that would come with the progress her body made. She was going to be stretching and pushing herself to move again which meant things would be hurting a lot. What if she couldn't handle it?

You've been in countless battles. This will be less, she promised herself.

And as if that wasn't enough, her parents were noticing her lack of communication. She made it a routine to call them at least every three days or so to keep in contact with them and just to see how they were doing and vice versa. She came to love that new part of her life. Having her parents so involved was a big part of her support now and unfortunately, she too was beginning to feel the effects of keeping them out again.

If they found out about this, they would freak out! She reminded herself before she felt too bad about it. They would come running to the city. She didn't want them to leave their things behind for her sake. She would just have to get through small phone calls and act happier than she was until she made decent progress to where they wouldn't have to freak out so much.

I can do it. I have to be able to do it. Those were her last thoughts before she finally fell asleep.

~0~

It was late when Steve finally quit working. And it was only because Natasha practically shut down the lab for him. He'd gotten better at handling computers and was going through the remaining bases that Seren had on her list.

"What's the point in doing that?" Natasha asked when she finally turned the computer back on just so that he could finish the last thing on his mind. After that, he was supposed to go to sleep. "Seren's not going to want to pick up where she left off."

"I'm finishing it," said Steve with a newfound determination…or vengeance.

Natasha sensed it was the latter. "You know you're not going to find the people who made that toxin, right? Any HYDRA scientist could've been working on it."

"I know, but I can't sit here and do nothing. They don't get to walk away from this," Steve muttered, jaw clenched as his eyes scanned the list over and over.

Natasha came to stand beside him and looked at the screen. Seren had been very thorough with the bases they were going through. She had locations for each of them, a strategy on how to get in and through the bases. "You'll never get anything from this list," Natasha said.

"I know—"

"You should go to who made the list."

Steve paused and side-glanced the redhead.

Natasha shrugged at him. "If you're not going to stop, then I might as well help. The list only has the bases, not the workers. You'll never get any clue about who could've made the toxin. You should see if you can get a list of all the SHIELD agents who were actually HYDRA agents."

"And why would I need to go to Del Rio for this?"

"Because more than likely, she might have a better, new list of people from that underground network she works for."

"Well, what about the files you dumped from SHIELD?" Steve asked hopefully.

Natasha bobbed her head in thought. "We could work from there but it would take a long time to go through all of those files. If we get Del Rio's assistance, they might already have leads on specific scientists. Just because they're scientists, doesn't mean they don't make mistakes. They could've already tipped off some red flags."

Steve was pensive for a long moment. Natasha could be right. If he wanted to help Seren, he'd have to get over his reservations against that agent.

"She's not bad, Steve," Natasha said like she had read his mind.

"You've met her?"

"Somewhat. Joint SHIELD and CIA meetings. She's professional and just another agent there."

"Yeah, one with an underground organization…"

Natasha rolled her eyes playfully. "We all have our secrets. Your choice. We can go down that route or yours. I'll back you up."

Steve thanked her. He knew what he had to do. Maybe it was for the best to finally settle that problem. So far it had only brought him problems with Seren and God knows he wanted those to end.

"Let's go, Rogers," Natasha patted his shoulder. "You need to sleep if you want to work on this without making mistakes."

Steve agreed. They turned the computer off for the final time that evening and left the lab. It was pretty late once he saw the actual time. No wonder Natasha was bugging him to get some rest.

So, like every other night in these past few days, the elevator brought him to the floor of his bedroom. Not wanting to bother Seren in the day, he would sneak into their bedroom in the night to get his things out for the next day. It was easier to do it this way than to face another possible argument.

He was very careful about slipping into the room. Seren was fast asleep in their bed, thank God. He knew her sleeping habits had not been the best these past days. He went around gathering his clothes as quietly as possible. He may have lingered a bit staring at a few framed pictures on the dresser but he eventually got himself ready. He was just about to open the door again when a voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Chloe, I said I wanted to be aloone…" Seren was half asleep, he could tell by her slurred voice.

"I—sorry," he dumbly said, immediately regretting it of course. With the sound of his voice, Seren definitely woke up and realized he was in the room. "Sorry, I'm — I was getting — never mind!" He quickly turned to leave.

"Don't go…" Seren said softly, once again stopping him. He looked back at her and even in the darkness, he swore her eyes still twinkled.

"I wasn't trying to disturb," he said awkwardly.

"I don't care, just don't go," Seren reiterated and began to try to shift in bed. "Please, don't—"

Steve literally dropped everything in his arms and rushed towards her to help. He gently pulled her up so that she could sit upright. "Are you good?" She nodded silently at him, her eyes never leaving his. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I was just getting a few things—"

"Is that what you've been doing, then? Sneaking in here at night?"

"I…I didn't want to upset you, Seren…"

"This is your room too, you can come in whenever you want. Never mind me. I've just been a raging bitch to everyone, especially you."

"No! Don't you ever say that!" Steve snapped at her, then apologized for snapping.

"It's true, Steve, and everyone knows it. Look at you," she nodded at him, "sneaking into your own bedroom because I was so awful to you. I'm sorry, Steve, I'm so sorry!" Tears welled in her eyes just like every time she thought of their last moment together.

Steve collected her in his arms, essentially solidifying his spot on the bed with her. "Seren, it's okay! It's okay, I promise! I get it — you were in a rough moment — it's okay." He cupped her face and cleared away the tears on her cheeks.

Seren's heart was pounding under her chest from the heavy toll of her emotions. She wished she could be more classy with her words but it was like everything was finally crashing down on her. She couldn't be calm, she couldn't be good in any aspect, not until she had Steve at her side again. "I'm so so-orry," she hiccuped. "I am, I really a-am."

Steve nodded with her and brushed away another of her tears. "I know you are," he whispered, "But you don't have to keep saying it, okay? I'm past it."

"N-o," she hiccuped again, "you're not…you l-liar…"

Steve half smiled at her. Even when she wasn't trying to be funny, she still was. "You're calling me a liar now? Don't make me prove you wrong…I'll go to every extent to prove you wrong…" He gave her his best faux stern face.

"I'm," she swallowed hard, "sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I mean…I wanted to yell, just not at you…"

"You would've yelled at anyone who walked in," Steve said knowingly, thinking of Natasha's words. "You were mad at what happened. Anyone in your shoes would've been too."

"I didn't want anyone to see me then," Seren admitted feebly, "especially you. I'm-I'm nowhere near the girl you know. I'm sorry."

"Seren Soul, you couldn't be any more wrong," Steve said, "And I know you're always right but I'm going to have to disagree with this one."

"I can barely feel you, Steve," she said lamentibly and looked down at her hands. Steve followed her gaze and took one of her hands, inadvertently proving her point. "I can't feel you…" She put all of her effort into moving her fingers enough to stroke his skin. "You shouldn't be tied down…you're you…and I'm not even half of me anymore."

"You're still so wrong, sweetheart," Steve insisted and pressed a kiss on her palm. "You're not 'you' because of your appearance, not even because of your powers. See the woman I met was amazing because of her personality, because of who she was and that is still inside you. If roles were reversed and I had the accident, would you leave me?"

"Never," she said automatically, and even shot him an incredulous look.

Steve chuckled. "Then why are you holding yourself to such a higher standard? Our relationship is not dependent on your powers and walking, my dear. You do know that one day, we'll both grow old and with age comes…some regression. The beauty in all of that is still being together, taking care of each other."

"…you think that far ahead about us?" Seren said feebly again. Her heart has finally returned to normal and had now skipped a beat at the prospect of spending her whole life with Steve.

He nodded at her. "I have visions of it, truthfully. Old and gray, living somewhere away from the city…having nothing but peaceful days with the occasional bantering."

Seren chuckled for the first time. Steve missed hearing it.

"You're beautiful," he said fondly, "Truthfully, you could yell and beat me to the ground and I still wouldn't be able to stop loving you."

Seren laughed again and closed her eyes as he nuzzled his nose with hers. Everything around her smelled like him and even though she couldn't feel him completely, knowing he was there made everything warm and safer.

"I love you," she mumbled in the comfort of their silence.

Steve pulled away to look her in the eyes. "I love you," he replied with a smile that could light up the world. Seren adored it. "I'm sorry for not being there for you. I promised you that I always would be and I failed you. And all for something that had nothing to do with you. If I had been there with you, then—"

"You could have been severely hurt too," Seren said, "Look at Thor. He's Asgardian and it took him down too. I wouldn't have wanted that for you."

"I'll always be grateful to him for saving you," Steve said. "Because if something had happened to you…if you…" God, it hurt to even think about it. "Just know…I would've died too."

Just thinking about a life without her hurt insanely. It was a testament to how important Seren became in his life. Without her, he was nothing. There was nothing to live for anymore. They might as well kill him too.

When he kissed her, he conveyed all of those feelings. He kissed her lips, then her nose, her cheeks, and her forehead. Seren felt like her strength had come back in those minutes. He couldn't understand how much she missed him.

~ 0 ~

In the morning, Chloe had prepared Seren breakfast and was making her way to the latter's bedroom. Helen was stopping by today for a therapy session, which meant Seren would be extra grumpy…which means Chloe was prepared to be extra patient today.

She opened the bedroom door and walked in with the meal tray in hands. "Let's get the day—" She stopped in her tracks and immediately shut her mouth.

A wide grin spread across her face.

Seren was sleeping but not alone like Chloe had left her last night. No, she was wrapped up in Steve's arms, nestled against his chest. The two looked so comfortable sleeping together and not arguing with each other.

Chloe quietly backtracked until she was out of the room and shut the door as quietly as possible.

"Finally," she whispered to herself and left in a hurry.

As she approached the elevator, it opened up and revealed Tony inside.

"Helen's here early," he informed her, "Didn't you wake up Twinkle star already?"

"I'm gonna let her sleep in today," Chloe said and stepped inside the elevator.

"What?" Tony made a face. "Nu-uh, Helen has a tight schedule. She came all the way from Korea so excuse me, but Seren's going to have to wake up!" He made a step out of the hallway before Chloe reached forward and yanked him back by the arm.

"You go in there and I'll shoot you with a psionic blast!"

"What are you doing!?" Tony exclaimed.

The elevator doors closed and thanks to Chloe, they were heading back to the kitchen.

"Seren has some company that I will not be interfering with. By the way, I don't think Steve is going to make practice this morning."

Tony stared at Chloe and her smirking face. His eyebrows rose and soon, he scoffed.

"Well it's about fucking time," he looked ahead.

"Mhm," Chloe nodded.

Tony reached over to grab some fruit off the meal tray.

"Hey! That's not for you!" frowned Chloe.

"Well, it's not like Seren's going to eat it. I'm sure she'll get everything she needs from Steve." Tony reached over to grab more fruit then offered some to Chloe. "You made it. Might as well have some. Pretty good...although it could use more salt."

Chloe rolled her eyes playfully.

[paradoxicalpaldeann]

hey everyone im abt to drop a silly amount of worldbuilding for something that was supposed to be an SR fic but idk i might make it it's own thing but i will definitely struggle with making the characters lol. very rough and unfiltered with no editing. good luck reading this

the setting i am planning is simultaneously dark-ish fantasy set in a weird time period that incorporates things from the 17th-19th centuries with a lot of funky magic and also sci-fi apocalypse at the same time. this makes sense i swear.

the setting's timeline starts in 2010 in our world, when the large hadron collider is able to successfully smash its first particles together at silly high speeds (it took them like 2 years after opening to get there due to. accidents i think. idk.) and instead of the thing everyone was worried about, which was "dude it's going to make microscopic black holes that fuck us up!!!! it's gonna make weird new particles which could hypothetically enter a state of runaway fusion and eat up the earth and make a really weird fucked up compact star!!!!" (they literally called these things strangelets. they are so mean to them.) we get an entirely brand new issue!!!

what is this brand new issue?? uhhh we uh. accidentally created a temporary tear between the planes and we managed to get really unlucky and instead of getting some silly ass plane like the water plane or jumpscaring a bunch of dead people in the afterlife plane we found the one with the rotting corpse of a dead god in it. yeah, some of the flesh and bone came through. like an absolutely tiny amount but it's still enough to completely pollute the earth even though the tear sealed itself seconds later. sorry we didn't raise the alarm straight away (even though an early alarm would do nothing) all the personnel in the LHC and all living humans within a 37km radius were too busy experiencing severe divine madness. yeah the world's gonna end now. sorry. it happens. anyways this completely unpredictable catastrophic Fucky Wucky releases a metric fuck ton of magical energy into the world, and basically causes a magic-based apocalypse. humans are not built for magic exposure so people end up undergoing a process which is called (at least, in this time period) 'teratomorphosis'. essentially, the excess magic causes people to begin transforming into monsters. magical monsters, and it is the kind of stereotypical magical monsters you'd find in a fantasy setting specifically because the magic is being influenced by what everyone thinks would happen, so when this starts to happen (it's a slow but unstoppable doom) people are like "oh, like slimes?" and the magic responds with all the enthusiasm of an overworked sleep deprived 45 year old man who's worked at this one factory all his life and just goes "well Fuck, I guess we're doing Slimes now. sure." although they're all a bit weird and funky because the magic is being exposed to roughly 6 billion different intepretations at once (this also causes regional monster distribution!!) so everything gets melted together so individual monster species can have similar traits across the board and only change as needed for their individual habitats.

this is a very slow apocalypse. takes like 15 years for all of humanity to vanish. and it is an apocalypse, as it's actually very rare for these first-wave monsters to retain their human sentience so they all start fucking shit up with all the fun new magic they can use. the teratomorphosis rolls out sort of like a wave, and it starts out as a very small exclusion zone around the LHC and affected local communities which have begun to worship a strange, unknowable god and this circle grows until it eventually covers the planet. if you're in the zone, teratomorphosis starts. the magic is still everywhere and you're absorbing it into ur body regardless of where you are, but the actual bad bit only happens if you're in the No Fun Zone. anyway as a result as time progresses more and more powerful monsters begin to emerge as people who've absorbed more magic on average begin to experience teratomorphosis.

important thing to note about this is that this means that all monsters, are technically human in a strange way. they are all direct descendants of humanity, which is also why monster hybrids end up being a thing later.

anyway, despite the fact that there is quite literally nothing that can be done to stop this people still try. the verrrry opposite side of the world to where the lhc is, is apparently in the Middle of the Fucking Ocean near the Chatham Islands, which is a part of new zealand. when we figure out that's probably going to be the last safe place a pretty big base/stronghold is set up there to try and see what can be done. it's. very hopeless. but the best and brightest of humanity still try, cataloguing as much of humanity's knowledge in a vast database at the heart of the complex. i haven't decided how many people are there but it's a significant amount. why? oho.

when the Bullshit finally reaches them we get another fun case of Regional Monster Distribution as everyone within the stronghold become the First Dragons, and they all also retain their human sentience and memories. dragons are very special in this world. they're essentially god-like, having immortality and destructive powers with almost impenetrable scales. they can still be killed (and this becomes even more true for the descendants of the First Dragons) but in this current world state there's fuck all that can do it.

an offshoot of the First Dragons end up forming a seperate faction, the Archivists. the Archivists have decided to dedicate their new lives to protecting the immense stores of knowledge they have kept safe and passing it onto the next sentient species to walk the earth.

a lot of time passes, now. like, a lot. during this time the Archivists also find out that whilst modern technology is fine around magic energy, the more rudimentary and historical kinds of electricity based technology (which would most likely be all the next sentient race could make for a while) don't vibe with magic and throw a hissy fit over it. so they put that on the backburner and figure out magic based tech (which is also better for the enviroment in an ironic way)

gonna try to keep it brief but essentially Humans rock the fuck up again. nobody knows why. but they're back, baby! second-wave humans (as the dragons call them) are actually used to magic in their environment, and do not undergo teratomorphosis unless they absorb too much magic which Does Not Happen unless u specifically try to fuck around.

anyways, magic is a thing. yeah! magic is mainly done through enchantments on objects (spells? bless you /j) which humans can then channel mana (or whatever the fuck your region and/or local religion calls it- there's a lot of differences in dialect here) through to activate the enchantment and Do The Thing. there's like, three main ways of gathering magic to use. stealing, sharing and the self. stealing is any kind of mana production that actively drains another source to make channelable (or active) mana, such as a power plant which sucks the life out of the surrounding enviroment, literally fucking everything a vampire does, or sacrifice. sharing is when one or more individuals pool their internal mana to use, such as group channeling (everyone sits in a funky chalk circle with matching outfits) or bonds such as soul-bonds or tethers between a summoner and their summoned creatures. the self refers to the innate magic everyone has, which is usually quite small and can only be used for simple enchanted items or incredibly over-engineered items which have their own methods of generating mana.

it is also possible for one to modify themselves to gain a bigger pool of innate magic, and some people are born like this. people like this are commonly called Magebloods, although again name varies per region. magebloods don't live very long at all, since they have to maintain a very fine balance between their insane amount of magic and losing themselves to the 'scourge of the heavens'- or, teratomorphosis. magebloods are very recognisable they all look funky cause. excess magic. which also causes health issues so even if they don't succumb to teratomorphosis they'll probably die young anyway

also at some point during history the Archivists attempt to reveal themselves to the new humans and it backfires horribly leading to the Great Culling, in which dragons were ruthlessly hunted for sport until they reached near extinction. very few of the First Dragons remain, and even less of the Archivists. i love this setting i will expand on it more in the future i swear i have SO many ideas

[inventedfangirling]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!

ah finally after a gazillion years i've been able to get around to doing this after being tagged by the ever sweet @fiercynn , so lemme straightaway get down to it.

note: i consider "fanworks" to pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc.

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

hello there, i'm a 24 year old gray-ace panromantic desi on the romance positive end of the arospec (im still undergoing the wonderful but also often difficult and long journey of discovering myself so this is subject to change :3), i prefer going by my username so i'm not sharing my name.

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

i watched bad buddy exactly 3 months ago on the 15th of May, 2023. i watched all the episodes all on the same day and i know the date because after finishing the show i sent a 7 minute long audio note gushing about the show to my best friend. i ADORED it that much. and that's where all of this started. i loved the show so much and the lack of people i knew irl who were interested meant i had to find other people in the fandom to freak out with. i kept posting one after another favourite bad buddy edit of mine on my twitter page, gushing about it, but i got barely any response and that's when i reminded myself that tumblr exists and i should get back on here. and that's how i made this account 2 weeks after i watched the show and voila here i am surrounded by people who are as crazy about the show as i am and i couldn't be more delighted about it :')

favorite ship(s)

patpran and inkpa ofc

favorite character(s)

i love pat with all my heart, the man he ends up becoming along the course of the show is one of my most favorite portrayals of any man ever BUT pran is my actual favorite, he is my baby, (somehow both) my elder and younger brother and my best friend and he has my whole heart. his love, his hesitance, his anxiety, his bravery, his dimples, his FOREHEAD, his striped shirts, his precious heart i would DIE for him no questions asked.

favorite episode(s)

episode 11. each segment had something for the heart, i adored every single second of it...the sheer volume of beaut quotes from this episode is mind blowing! ("being with you already feels like freedom", "i can be anywhere as long as i have you", "we have been happier a lot too", "thankyou for trying to make a silly guy like me happy..." "i wrote this song for him", "one man can't change the world, but this world can't change me too"), and the soft loving looks of adoration making me clutch my chest, but also there was the quintessential patpran banter and bad buddy humour and wisdom i LOVE this episode with all my heart.

episode 5 is perfection. it comes second for me, but that kiss will always be number 1 <3

favorite scene(s)

rooftop kiss, balcony phone call, episode 7 ending when pat comes to save the day and the play, episode 11 red shirts commitment expression scene, and the final credits and post credits scene

one thing you would change about the show if you could

i wished the gangs didnt bully eo or anybody else even in the beginning, i get it shows growth but still i wished that was shown differently. also i wish we got a conversation where they talk about the guitar. and while we're here i wish it was somehow longer, i could have watched ohmnanon be patpran for HOOOURS.

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people?

traffic was slow for the crash years by @fiercynn aka the creator of this meme. i absolutely adored every single second of the fic. despite it giving me a WORLD of pain. all the pain made it more beautiful and everything was worth it in the end. like i said before you took a great thing and made it even better <3

every piece of art that @hereforlou comes up with. you are a GEM!

all of nanons gorgeous gifsets!!

same page video edit that even p'aof tweeted about. SO good.

enchanted (aka patpran's official song) and other patpran edits by this same SO very talented editor

mudhal nee mudivum nee - another beautiful edit but desi so its even better <3

this super clever edit of patpran to message in a bottle. it's an instant serotonin booster for me.

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

you can hear it in the silence - bad buddy bet era fic (the only one i've written till now)

my bad buddy textposts collection

my pran and pat's growth posts

this post that took me 20 mins to write but is one of my fav things ive written about the show

my long treatise of bet era patpran that took me a week!

list of accounts (hopefully i haven't forgotten any) whose meta and analysis and brainrot i absolutely adore- @miscellar , @telomeke-bbs , @grapejuicegay , @aroceu, @dudeyuri, @dribs-and-drabbles, @dimplesandfierceeyes, @sharingfandoms, @waitmyturtles, @ranchthoughts, @lurkingteapot, @lurkingshan, @thegayneurodivergentagenda, @kenmakaashi, @absolutebl, @charthanry, @bengiyo, @mahuhumaling, @panickedbisexualwatchesbl, @jemmo, @patspran, @fiercynn, @midnightfreeway, @fierceeyesanddimples and a couple more im sure ive missed. it was {and continues to be} a pleasure reading their thoughts about the show (or any other show that we've mutually watched).

a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol)

message in a bottle because of this edit

daylight cos of this edit

enchanted, because of the infinite edits we've got from it and if im not wrong pat ohm has acknowledged it too

and basically all other romantic songs in the history of romance i guess :3

alrighty then i think i'm done with this tag. this was a LOT of fun to compile <3

[8bitsupervillain]

End of the Year 2023: Pre-2023 Good Games

Now we're talking, it's time for good games. As with previous years I decided on separate lists to talk about games that came out before 2023 and those that came out during the year itself. I agonized over this list. Hope you enjoy it

10: Diablo III

In the meh games list I mentioned that I'm not a fan of Diablo III. In fact for the longest time I was fairly cold on this game and really disliked it. There's something to Diablo III however, every few months since finishing the Reaper of Souls expansion way back in 2014 that kept the game popping up in my mind. You should play it again, it would say. Roll a new character, it's probably better than you remember. Then I would inevitably try it again, play a few hours and then just sort of peter off it. Perhaps it's simply because of the sheer ineptitude of Immortal, and my complete and utter lack of caring for Diablo 4 that made my most recent playing Diablo III feel so much more fun. I think enough time has passed that I can freely admit to enjoying this game for the most part. I just never go out of my way to play it, but it'll probably happen again that I'll be doing whatever and the urge to play it will occur

09: Doom 3

It's something of the black sheep of the Doom franchise, but I recall quite enjoying the games when I played them spur of the moment this year. A lot of people bemoan the fact that they just made Doom 3 a horror game, but I'm not so sure I agree with that assessment. Sure it has spooky lighting, and impenetrable darkness, but you're never really put into a less empowered state compared to the original Dooms. You're never starved for ammo, and except for the odd jumpscare there's never anything really scary that happens in the game. More so in the Resurrection of Evil expansion, where they give you the super shotgun. It's slower, and more methodical than the other Doom games, but I really don't feel it's any lesser as a result. It's truly unfortunate there's no way to really get the original versions of Doom 3 an Resurrection of Evil outside of looking in nefarious places, because I played the BFG Edition as well as the original Doom 3 and it made me feel physically ill. The originals are surprisingly forward thinking made games because it's wild to me a game from 2004 has support for a 1080p resolution.

08: Higanbana no Saku Yoru Ni (The Unforgiving Flowers Blossom in the Dead of Night)

A delightful horror themed visual novel that I freely admit I never would have ever heard of if not for Umineko. It's more of a straightforward horror tale than a Umineko because this is about the local ghosts and monsters that haunt a school. I haven't finished the second of the two games, but I did quite like the stories in The First Night. Well worth checking out if you want to see some of Ryukishi07's lesser known works.

07: The Witcher II

A lot more competently put together than the original Witcher. It's also much more action focused compared to the original. I kind of miss the different fighting stances that were in the first Witcher game, but I can understand that the series needs to undergo some streamlining as they become a more cross-platform series. It's a fine story as well, where it seems to be pulling from more contemporary fantasy stories of the time like your Game of Thrones with all of its fantasy political intrigue. But it also includes troll fart jokes, so it still remembers some of its origins as well. One of the only things I didn't really like in this game was the inclusion of the odd Quick Time Event. There's not a particular lot of them, but they just felt weirdly out of place.

06: Dragon Age II

I think it handled the transition from traditional CRPG to a more action focused one rather well honestly. It's not the deepest combat in the world, but I never really had any particular complaint with how it was implemented. I liked the time skips in the story as well, jumping to more important parts of Hawkes' life rather than meander and get bogged down in the weeds of showing their entire time in Kirkwall. A fine enough story, even though its attempts to make the final endgame events bigger than previous plot points just fall flat on its face. It was fun seeing the fantasy RPG equivalent to a Like a Dragon game.

05: Might and Magic X: Legacy

I don't know a thing about the Might and Magic series. I know one of the strategy spinoffs is regarded as the absolute pinnacle of the genre, but as far as the mainline ones go I know nothing. That being said however I did quite like the first person dungeon crawling and combat here in MMX. It's nothing groundbreaking, and I doubt it was anything particuarly special when it came out nearly a decade ago in 2014. I appreciate that the game is more than willing to let you screw up making your party and going in with a "suboptimal" team. Rather than hold your hand and tell you which classes to bring or how to level them. I wish Ubisoft would let some developers make another one of these because I enjoy these lower budget RPGs that aren't these massive open world fiascos. Also you could make bank by upsetting the crowd who cries about ruining beloved franchises by making new entries in older series. But really I just greatly enjoy this type of RPG, and I would love to see more of them. I don't know if it will save Ubisoft from their impending implosion, but I would love to see them take chances on this type of game again rather than see them put out another big open world game that takes a hundred hours to finish.

04: Bravely Default II

With series like the Bravely Default series I usually try to play the games in release order. I know developers go to great pains to make it so you can follow a narrative for a game without having played every single entry prior to it. Regardless I try to play the first entries first. Sometimes this is a double edged sword because who's got time to play the eight or so entries before you play Ys VIII? Other times you got two entries, Bravely Default and Bravely Second. But here's the thing, while I played Bravely D 1 way back on the 3DS I know I never actually finished it, and I never touched Bravely Second. But towards the end of December 2022 I decided what the hey, I'll play Bravely Default 2 and just try to figure it out from there. This game was an utter delight to play, something about the turn based combat, good story, and charming visuals just combined to make this game a real treat for me. Even when I was going out of my way to suck the fun out of the game by grinding up the job levels I was having a heck of a good time. While I enjoy the story that's not what kept bringing me back to the game. I kept coming back to it just for the sheer enjoyment of playing the actual game. A novel concept! Bravely Default II was just an immensely enjoyable game and I highly recommend it to those who enjoy turn-based RPGs.

03: Potato Flowers in Full Bloom

This is as late an entry as one could possibly get. I went into this completely blind and I came away absolutely stunned. This is a great turn-based dungeon crawler RPG that I cannot recommend highly enough. It's clearly done by people who have a great love for the DRPGs but it isn't so bogged down with the ideas of what a "hardcore" DRPG should be that it loses itself in the fine details. Rather than get super in depth with the challenge one would find in a Wizardry Potato Flowers just focuses on a superlative gameplay loop that is just extremely enjoyable to play.

02: Pillars of Eternity II: Deadfire

It seemed like a lock way back at the start of the year. Sure Bravely Default 2 was a sheer delight, but it couldn't match Deadfire. The combat, the look, the storyline, everthing was just such a marked improvement over the basic perfection I felt playing Pillars of Eternity 1.

01: Umineko: When the Seagulls Cry

But something came along in May that just swept the legs out from under it. There has not been an experience that has just taken up permanent residence in my head since finishing it. I went into Umineko knowing basically nothing, and by the time I finished it my mind just kept going over it again and again thinking about the characters, and the story, just replaying and rethinking events over and over again. Just a masterfully crafted narrative, and a killer soundtrack to boot.

01: Pillars of Eternity II: Deadfire

But the thing about games is that there's more to them than just the story, the gameplay also matters. The short of it is that Pillars of Eternity II quite handily beats Umineko on the gameplay front. Plus, I really don't want to downplay the story of PIllars II because it stands strongly in my memory as one of the most superbly written stories I have ever experienced in any RPG, much less games in general.

01: Umineko: When They Cry

But the story contained within the one hundred and twenty hours worth of Umineko is without hyperbole some of the best written I have had the pleasure to experience. Just some of the most astonishingly well-written character I have ever seen in any medium. Such dedication to the crafting of some of the most vile duplicitous bastards you have ever seen, it's staggering.

01: Pillars of Eternity II: Deadfire

The storyline in Deadfire takes the already major stakes from Pillars of Eternity I and manages to raise them even higher without making it seem like it's going to ridiculous lengths. The many characters you meet in this game are some of the strongest and best written I have seen in an extraordinarily long time. It's such a wonderful balancing act that you have such a range of characters who have their own plots and schemes that can affect the world but they all gel really well together. Even the overtly optimistic characters are played in a very realistic way where it doesn't come across as the game trying to pander with naive cheerful characters.

Umineko no Naku Koro Ni

I find it incredible that a series of such gargantuan length was able to maintain and hold my interest for the majority of its length. There were a couple of times early on where I felt my interest waning a bit, but everytime it was able to draw me back in and just revitalize my enjoyment. I am also immensely surprised at just how strongly it has remained lodged in my memory since finishing it. I feel reasonably confident if pressed I could give a summation of the entire VN just going off of memory and lose very little in the retelling.

Pillars of Eternity II: Deadfire

As with the original Pillars the sequel does an amazing job integrating the DLC expansions quite seamlessly into the main narrative. There were times that I would embark on what I thought was a simple sidequest but was actualy a large add-on that was just as well crafted as the stuff in the main game. It was a very nice and greatly appreciated attention to detail.

02: Umineko no Naku Koro Ni

I adore this game, I will sing its praises even while carrying the small issues I have with the production. It is such a genuinely great piece of work that I worry that I might be overselling how good it is. But I genuinely feel that it is certainly worth all the praise the visual novel has accrued since its release.

01: Pillars of Eternity II: Deadfire

However, games are more than just their story. It comes down to gameplay as well as the story that determines what I think the best of the year (pre-2023) truly is. And that's Pillars of Eternity II. I went in to this game with very high expectations, and I was truly surprised at how masterfully the game had met every single one of them. Despite some minor character and story wobbles I adore everything Pillars II set out to do. I highly, highly recommend this game to anyone who has even a passing interest in CRPGs.

What do you think everyone?

But in my heart I know the award goes to Umineko.

[greatwesternway]

tfissabposting so i was looking through old rail & wires and apparently the museum just. buried three tank cars to use as septic tanks in 1969???? from rail & wire 55

I'm just as happy to field questions as Ray is but for IRM/Rail & Wire minutiae, Ray's really gonna be your better bet. I write Pioneer's letters so I'm in charge of knowing all that kinda stuff about the Museum of Science and Industry, the Century of Progress, the Chicago Railroad Fair, basically anything that's more Pioneer's (or his MSI yardmates') business than Pilot's.

That said, one of the things I've been working on lately is adding notable IRM acquisitions and activities to the timeline. At present, I'm just working-smarter-not-harder by taking Aaron Isaacs' IRM timeline from Illinois Railway Museum In Color and cross-referencing with the IRM's own website to confirm details and Hicks Car Works' deaccession list to navigate items that were scrapped or traded. Once these things are on there, I'll start reading the Rail & Wire's to put more specific repairs and works on the timeline.

All this to say that the letters undergo edits every time we update because we're constantly learning new info. Like that three tank cars were buried on the property to make septic tanks.

I suppose what you're really asking is how they feel about it.

I have to figure if they weren't already only just clinging to sentience by that point, they'd be ready to give up the ghost at that announcement. Generally, it's very easy for us to decide if an engine is "alive" or not. They're scrapped or they ain't. But... there is some room for nuance.

The Flying Yankee, for instance, we'd consider to still be alive, but it's not that good a life. He's been gutted, taken off his trucks, left to the elements. The reason he's still "alive" though is because he still has the possibility open for his disposition to improve. Similarly, The Mark Twain Zephyr sat in the same conditions for decades and is now being restored quite nicely.

But if you've been buried? Might as well be dead too, right?

It's not as tragic as all that though. 'Cause see, nearly everything at the IRM is common stock who would have had no expectation of preservation and for whom the end of one's usefulness and eventual scrapping would have been seen as an inevitability. (Indeed, being preserved when you hadn't any reason to expect to can sometimes be troublesome itself, as with 2903, or when perhaps you might have preferred not to be preserved, as with U-505).

And even once a piece of equipment gets to the IRM, it's still possible that you're too far gone to be restored, even as a static display. That can be disappointing, for sure, but I'd say it's similar to Pilot and Mate getting briefly recalled from the scrapyard to pull grain cars. If you didn't ever expect to be preserved, then it turning out to be a stay of deaccession isn't surprising. Generally, you'd probably know how much work you'd require and if the guys are being realistic about it ever getting done. One does not count themselves preserved until they actually are.

But I do also think that engines value usefulness above all else and tank cars aren't exactly in any position to be picky about their work to begin with. So being made into septic tanks and buried isn't the worst thing in the world, as long as they don't actually have to be sentient for it.

It's not every piece of equipment that gets to continue being useful after deaccession and I think we'd all agree they're doing very important and necessary work.

[sobeautifullyobsessed]

I'm just about out of time ~

I knew last week when I originally reblogged this post that my chances of raising what I need to remain in a room were slim to none. And that's how it's turned out. I had hoped and prayed for better, but deep inside, I've been steeling myself all along for the most difficult outcome.

This morning, my automatic car insurance payment hit my bank account two days earlier than I had expected; it should've been on Monday (6/30), and I would've been overdrawn, but I could've survived until payday anyway. But now I'm left with only enough money to cover Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights (tonight is already paid for).

Daytime temps are forecast to be in the high eighties/low nineties starting Monday, so sleeping in my car come Wednesday night and onward is gonna be misery--plus my shampoo, bodywash, toothpaste, etc are going to totally liquefy sitting in the daytime heat. And, of course, I'll have nowhere to shower. Will still be working through the July 4th weekend, but I'll have no access to store my belongings in the building as we're undergoing renovations.

At this point, I'm hoping to raise enough day by day to pay for a room each evening. Please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts. I know this isn't permanent and that somehow, someday, life WILL get better.

edited to add: my face is absolutely burning with shame right now for having to do this

outlook dire for June -

At least for now. I've put this off for as long as I could, but as much as I hate resorting to it again, I have to ask for help.

I spent the last of my resources yesterday to pay for a room this week--leaving me with literally $5.60 to my name. I'm rationing my food right now and will likely run out by Wednesday suppertime (which also means no birthday cake tomorrow, let alone even a slice). Trying my best to stay upbeat and not worry about what comes next week. While praying that I can get some sort of advance on my pay (which is complicated by the fact that my State I.D. got lost on the way to a friend's address it was supposed to be forwarded to; Management is not inclined to make an exception for the transaction without it). So, any donations would be greatly appreciated, along with reblogs of this post...and of course, your prayers.

Ultimately, I'm also going to need to raise some funds to cover lodging for next week, as I don't get paid again until June 18th. I will be reblogging this post daily, so if you don't want to keep seeing it, you can block the tag #coping with homelessness.

As ever, thank you most sincerely for any help, in any form, that anyone can give! 🫶🫶

[the-faceless-amalgam]

Hi, so introduction here. Written by L, I will introduce myself later as I introduce everyone here. But first, a quick description of the body we all share.

We are about 5'11', white with an average build I'd say, we have a tummy but honestly that should be average. The body is undergoing gender confirming hormone therapy towards femininity (MtF) as that is more comfortable for the majority and there are no folks being upset by it. We generally, mostly due to me being the front person most of the time, are dressed in an alternative style somewhere in the Goth, Grunge and Punk triangle.

So, introductions to everyone in the system. These may well get edited as this will be our pinned post, even if this blog is primarily for me to wax academic about experiences and reflect on the way everything feels.

L - 26y/o, body adjacent age. Body associating in body image. (They/Them)

I am kind of the face for the system, the person that has unintentionally defined us all very strongly. I identify as trans feminine non-binary, I'm ace spectrum pan. I was a blind front until 2 years ago (in 2024) when I found out due to counselling with a therapist who had specialized in dissociative conditions. To my understanding I have been around in the head since the body was 9-11. I am a youth worker by occupation, I love to build worlds for TTRPGs and I am also a massive motorcycle dyke (dyke in the gender sense more so than the sexuality sense).

T - 26y/o, body adjacent age. Does not associate the body with their body image.

T is a very outgoing and excited person. T is a cis woman from her perspective, pansexual and ace spectrum. T has been very close with myself (L) in the head for some time and we have learned a lot from each other but do want to stay as separate people. T is a lot more aware of the system and has been around for a very long time in a range of ways. T dates and enjoys going out for drinks and generally sits in a very adult joy space.

J - 18(?)y/o. Body adjacent image but masculine and younger.

J likes music a lot and is very supportive and kind. He also, unlike most of the folks in the system, has a dialect and accent more in line with the council estate area we grew up in. This has caused me anxiety as people who know mine and the generally RP accented voice may mistake this for appropriation of or mockery of folks with this accent and dialect. However there is also classism on my part baked into that from parenting. J likes to play music in the head which can be nice when it's not too distracting. J and T often watch period dramas such as Downton and Bridgerton together which is cute.

A - 30y/o. Body adjacent image with the beard we used to have and ginger hair.

A started out from my perspective as a cleaner, just a guy who popped in when I was overwhelmed and cleaned my flat while I was asleep. Turned out he was a whole ass guy not just a fragmented bit of us. A takes care of the kids and the folks that can't cope and still cleans up but we try to share more. He likes "golden age of TV" shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad. He also enjoys Formula 1. A is a gay guy and is aromantic, which is a big standout in the head as we're generally soppy romantics. A recently merged with a protector who was becoming disillusioned and angry because they're job of keeping me (L) unaware of having the condition had failed, this has had some effects on A's personality but not much.

M - 55/56y/o. Does not associate their body image with the body.

M is the angry Scottish man who got locked in a pub so I wouldn't get angry at things. He's from Glasgow much like part of the body's family and generally operates as an inside the brain voice, letting us know it's ok to be angry and ranting. He's also very insightful and very funny, he enjoys Johnny Cash a lot and when I come to if he's been about there's a chance out Johnny Cash record will be on.

P - Age Fluctuating. Uncertain of Body Image

P holds a lot of trauma, having lived near the dump or box in the head where we put things we can't deal with they have come to hold a lot of that. I don't know P very well, A looks after and makes sure they are ok but generally I will start to cry uncontrollably if P is around at the same time as me and then I will lose time. The one thing I do know is that P enjoys Vivaldi's Operas as they are always playing when I come back.

K - 8y/o. Body adjacent body image.

K is the kid, they're happy and cute. They like Ghibli movies and cartoons generally and they seem to have a friendship group inside the head that mirrors our adult friends in an age appropriate way for them. A takes care of them a lot and I try to help by making space for them, getting them snacks they like and watching TV with them.

C - C is a cat.

I don't really know how or why. There's just a bit of my brain that's a cat, I grew up with cats and I have a cat myself so that's a likely axis of cause. Mostly the cat comes out at home and, well, cat naps.

[goldenteaset]

That's okay, he'll get over it by having some truly outrageous Granblue Fantasies the night after that, I'm sure

To be completely fair, Terra does only really show up in the quest to get the Conqueror of the Eternals skin, so you'll have to have all of them recruited. Then you get to fight her. But recruiting all ten of them is a lot of work, so I don't blame anyone for being unaware of her. I still definitely think Cygames should do more with her, cause it's such a cool idea and so very, very extra

You fools think I'm spreading Seofon propaganda when in reality my true calling is to spread the good word of Terra

The Grand Spruce Up idea is so very nice, although I feel like it's not on as big a scale as the Grandcypher one, considering there are only ten Eternals and they are usually all off doing their own thing, sadly enough. That being said, I can totally picture Seofon dragging everyone to HQ at least once a year to give it a thorough cleaning. Feower insists that he didn't dirty anything, by virtue of permanently residing in Stardust Town, but their leader has decided to turn this into a bonding activity and there's no escaping those in this crew. Maybe the Grand Spruce Up actually inspired the Eternals to put a bit more effort into the upkeep of their own base, even. Still, we're likely not getting as dramatic as "people having to share a room while theirs is undergoing repairs", even if the potential in that plot is limitless. So many juicy ideas ripe for the plucking with that Grand Spruce Up...

And lastly, you're so right, Yggy should definitely meet Terra! I'm sure that could be interesting! Just gals being pals.

(You really are the 11th Eternal, anon, I could visualize the Eternals attempt at a spruce-up so well I dreamed about it! Anre floated around Terra with a giant scrub brush, it was great.)

Belial dreams of the grind and also “the grind”… :3

Oh phew, I kept looking through Seofon’s Interludes like “Did they edit poor Terra out? :((“ But no, she was one of the rewards for the Eternal grind instead! They should definitely do more with her, maybe in VS some more, but I’d love for her to be more accessible in the base game.

The Grand Spruce Up really is one of the best ideas GBF’s writers have laid out on a platter for us! Seofon gets to have his bonding time with the Eternals (maybe just Anre), and for the Grandcypher crew there’s enough options to create unlimited plots. Funny, more serious, you name it! (Maybe Troue and Kolulu met that way…?)

The mightiest of gal pals! Yggy can help Tera’s shell flourish and Terra can eat from her giant foliage-dress like a goat… X3

[pixyys]

Well, if I were to quote Silver, 'if we go down, then we'll go down together'. When have we never gotten into scrapes together and made it out together as well? I can give you some advice, but really I may be as clueless as you when it comes to feelings; well, maybe not entirely. I can act calm around her and certainly do not act like a love-struck clown. Even though I am a mess when I come to these 'feelings', I can 100% confirm that ignoring him would make things worse.

If you truly need help though, I might just have a way...

Still going on with the sacrilegious violin I see. Good to see that you'll never do that again, because I was debating on telling Silver. But I didn't because I am such a good brother who deserves more than Panadol for putting up with you /j. And please do not rush us, my relationship with her still is not completely confirmed quite yet...

I told Lippmann that you were going to his beauty clinic this weekend. While he seemed calm about it on the outside, I have known him for too long to know how flustered he was feeling. It's all in the little hints and body gestures that he does. You just have to pay attention. And before focusing on my wedding I think we have to focus on your feelings first.

Now now, please don't pester Chuuya. He's been through a lot, and plus I think your cheesy pickup lines and corny jokes would just make him undergo even more trauma. The fedora you get him should be top quality with no speck of dust whatsoever, but being the kind brother I am, I'll lend you enough money to purchase it. And please, you can't look at mafiosos and not think that they're rich and... extra.

Oh, trust me. My pickup lines can put yours to shame, and I don't even know any. /jk

-🎹

P.S. I assure you, the haunted house part isn't the only reason that I like her... and jealousy? I don't stoop that low, thank you very much. And even though Silver does look quite lovely, I kept my gaze firmly focused on the sunset and not on her you sure about that? XD.

And try, if you want.

"if we go down, we go down together." huh, i really like that saying. you're right. we're going down, down bad, but we're together. that's nice, thanks brother, i'm very grateful to have you as a sibling. but HOW DO YOU EVEN STAY AND ACT CALM? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE???/ lmao i'm sorry

ahh i sometimes feel bad for testing your patience too much. but hey! just doing my job :) seriously though, thank you for not telling that to silver. i might really not come out of that alive. and of course! hehe, sorry for being too pushy. i mean come on, you can't expect me being there, looking at my brother being absolutely in love and not do anything, right? >:D

wait. no, no, for real? are you not saying this just to make me feel better? uhh, what am i going to do now? gifts? should i bring gifts for lippmann too? flowers? what do i say, though? is it even natural when you visit someone's beauty clinic and bring flowers? wait, that sounds like something they do on first dates. hold on, DOES THIS COUNT AS A FIRST DATE?? i haven't even prepared my special edition pickup lines-reserved for him and him only. ah, this is getting embarrassing. i've never felt this flustered before.

darn, you're saying it as if my jokes and lines will be effective as torture and interrogation devices. jokes aside, chuuya's been through a lot, you said? mm, i'm well aware everyone from the mafia doesn't exactly have the prettiest past. naive thinking as it may be, but i still hope his wasn't too ugly. and oh my god! you really just acknowledge that everyone from the mafia-including yourself-are rich and extra, then proceed to offer lending me money! brother, if you were a rabbit, you'll be a millionhare.

..can i still take your offer, though? that one fedora i'm eyeing for is ridiculously expensive. what do they even put there? my whole life cost?? anyway, sorry for the hassle, brother. and don't worry, i'll still handle half of the cost. i'll make sure to pay you back by taking care of the great banquet for your future wedding. rest assured to leave it to me, hehe.

"my pickup lines can put yours to shame, and i don't even know any." HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE-

p.s. ooh really now? 𓁹‿𓁹 well okay, i'll take your words. and you want me to try? hm, that reminds me. last time when i visited everyone, i actually wanted to share this one joke about vegetables. but it's too corny.

[plotbunbun]

Okay for the ask game vergil devilmaycry

YOU ALREADY KNOW LMAOO (rubs hands together like a fly) BRAINROT COMING IN CLUTCH

Favourite thing about Vergil: I love his resilience! No matter how much suffering he undergoes, he always rises again in hopes of realising his potential.

Least favourite thing about Vergil: Narrow-mindedness - he is quick to cut down opportunities at self-reflection or opposing views because they would require him to re-evaluate his own path.

Favourite line of Vergil's: I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE ACCIDENTALLY MEMORISED THEM ALL BY THIS POINT, but it's gotta be a tie between "(...) you cannot protect anything. Let alone yourself", "All things end, Dante. Even us...", and "We're still here [alive], aren't we?"

brOTP for Vergil: His literal brother, LMAO, or perhaps I should just say the Sparda family,,, though I will say, Credo and he could be such good friends if he still lived!

OTP for Vergil: I honest to God don't really have one, except for Nero's mother - if we ever get content for her, and she's not an evil witch, y'all already know who'll be heading the ship LOL (as it is, I already got fics and ideas 💀)

nOTP for Vergil: There aren't really many options for Vergil, so I guess this doesn't apply. I'm not into shipping him with Trish, Lady, Patty, or adult Alice, but if a peep writes a compelling enough story I'll give it a go O.o (wait, wait, actually - Nicoletta. I have no idea how the hell any of you would make Nico x Vergil work, I cannot see it happening LMAOO)

Random headcanon for Vergil: (flits through five bajillion) Let us pick... my headcanon that Vergil is no stranger to starvation or cold, living in remote areas like woods or caverns or abandoned buildings before he inevitably had to run again. He only interacted with people to steal necessities, perform a task to earn some meager money, or collude with evil shenanigans.

Unpopular opinion about Vergil: He absolutely deserves punishment for his sins, despite his own staggering personal suffering. I just think that his circumstances are unique, and don't allow for a traditional route of asking his victims' families whether to offer him mercy or kill him. Especially in the case of Nero, who technically got even with Vergil. So, instead of punishment, he must atone through future actions. Whether he was punished or not, though, he would need to be redeemed either way :>

Song I associate with Vergil: I already posted about how I associate Vergil with Maula Mere Maula, so I'll choose a different song, LOL - Once by Bradley Caleb Kane, the anthem of misguided villains. The "child" line in particular...

Favourite picture of Vergil: My gallery is mysterious and ever-eluding in number,,, how could I ever choose? XD But here's a smol edit I did way back when on a shot (I believe it was from Dru uvu!):

bonus smol Sparda twins with their mama because this pic shreds me to pieces whenever I look at it