#still reminiscing on our run post the show depression is hitting

[sp4c3-c0wb0y]

From my reblogs can anyone tell Spot and Race are my favorite characters. both guys who played them in our production became friends with me over our run and were super cool. I also was a Brooklyn newsie so I’m kinda biased

[echidnapower]

EP’s FanFiction Master Post

So this is something I should have done a long time ago on my previous account, but better late than never. For those of you who find me, this is going to be a place where you can find all the fics I’ve written over the years. This will be added to over time as I fight to revive my muse.

It’ll be categorized by fandom, so you can quickly find what you do or don’t want to read. Here we go.

Pokemon

A Valentines Dream Come True -  It's Valentines Day, and a certain redheaded Gym Leader is finally getting to enjoy it with the boyfriend of her dreams. During their time together, they get into a little discussion about dreams, and Ash doesn't wanna tell her his! So to get him to spill, she tells him her dreams...when she finally learns Ash's dream...will both their dreams come true? - Based on a drawing from @miyatoriaka​, which can be found HERE.

AAML: Diamond and Pearl Version -  Follow me as I remake the DP episodes in order and in sequence, all so I can add the biggest star besides Ash himself. Misty! Watch her and Ash's love grow as they go on their journey. The absolute LONGEST story in my portfolio, and you will see my writing evolve the longer you go on. Be prepared for a massive read that even now is STILL going.

All I Want For Christmas Is You -  It's Christmas time and the Ketchum household is hosting a party with all of Ash's friends. But while Ash and Misty dance around their feelings for each other, another Sensational Sister is about to find herself in a situation she never could have expected, but she'll be darned if she lets it slip through her manicured fingers. (Spinoff of @hollylu-ships-it​‘s "A Christmas in Kanto" comic which can be found HERE.

Best Friend -  "Why? Why did I have to be so stupid as to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend?" - Story told in Misty’s POV.

Blessings From Heaven -  I'm Ash Ketchum, and I'm getting married today! But how did this come to be? Through God's devine planning is how. Here's my story: I'm marrying Misty. - Warning for religious themes, told in Ash’s POV.

I Miss You -  Misty misses Ash terribly, and it's affecting her emotionally as she's more irritable than usual, if that was even possible. But Daisy has a plan to get Ash to come and see Misty again. Will her plan have the desired effect? Or will it cause something she never could've seen coming? - Based on a trio of drawings from the long lost Simply-Nicole. The old art can be found on my dA page HERE, HERE, and HERE.

I’m Misty, and You Are? -  Misty tells the story we all know and love...literally. She's telling the story. Based on artwork from the long lost Simply-Nicole, which can be found on my old dA page HERE.

Keep The Faith - This time it's May and Drew getting married, and it takes place in the "Blessings From Heaven" universe. Warning for religious themes.

Looks -  It's Ash's birthday and all of his friends have gathered together in the woods to reminisce on the time they spent traveling with their favorite Pokemon Trainer. But something's about to happen that could change the way that Ash and Misty look at each other forever…the question is, is it for the better?

Lovesick -  Kenny is feeling strange...he feels like he's sick...but is he really ill? Or is he just lovesick?

Madam Zara -  When Misty decides to get experimental with her appearance, she finds herself in the hands of a world-famous beautician named Madam Zara. With most of Misty's makeovers ending less than ideally, will this be the one to shatter the mold? And how will Ash react? - Based on a drawing and idea from @hollylu-ships-it​ which can be found HERE.

Our Own Sunset -  Ash and Misty watch the sunset together, but Misty's bothered by it. - Set in the AAML: Diamond and Pearl version universe.

Pokeshipping Week 2015 - My first time participating in Pokeshipping Week ever, hard to believe it was five years ago.

Pokeshipping Week 2016 - This year of Pokeshipping saw me collab with @hollylu-ships-it​, you can see the art she put together on her Tumblr page.

Symptoms of Love -  Ash and Tracey are hit by a Vileplume's Stun Spore, and Misty has to fend for herself in order to find a cure. But once she gets Ash back to health, Ash still feels many of the same symptoms from before. Why is that?

Tell Me I’m Pretty -  It isn't easy being the youngest sister, especially when your oldest sister is getting married and you're the only one without a date for the once in a lifetime event. Misty can't help but feel like she doesn't measure up somehow, but a surprise visit from her closest friend is sure to make her feel pretty once more. - Inspired by THIS piece from @hollylu-ships-it​.

The Road Not Taken -  When Ash gets some bad news from home, he goes into a depression and starts doubting both himself and the choices he's made. But luckily, someone is there with him to remind him he's loved and cared about. - Based on yet another drawing from @hollylu-ships-it​. Look at it HERE.

Warmth -  It's New Years Eve, and the recently married Ash and Misty Ketchum are ready to host their first ever holiday party at their home together, but when a snowstorm makes it so no one can arrive safely, Misty is saddened. But will they really end up spending their New Years Eve alone? Or will surprise visitors warm their hearts?

Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go

Iron Girl -  A robot girl who hates the fact she's a robot...will she realize just how important she is or will she continue to simply wallow in self-pity?

War Between the Living and the Dead -  The war between the living and the dead has begun, and the Hyperforce has to go up against their biggest challenge yet. But with help from their allies across the galaxy, they can triumph! Or can they? This is my take on what Season 5 would've been, plugging plotholes and making sense out of a series that left us all hanging.

Buzz Lightyear of Star Command

Reflections of a Legend -  Buzz Lightyear Personal Log - Stardate 92893.81. I don't quite know how to explain this, or what I'm feeling, so I guess I'll just start talking and tell you what's on my mind. There's someone I just can't get out of my head, and truthfully, I'm not sure I want to. - This is a first-person dive into Buzz’s character.

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Kim Possible

Angels Watching Over Me -  Kim and Ron are going down a dark path that could eventually end in their own destruction...literally, not figuratively. When the Sloth dangles over a cliff that holds their fate in the balance, who will come in their time of need? How about...someone they never could have dreamed? - Based on a true story, warning for religious themes.

Busted -  Hana wants cookie, Hana tries to get cookie, Hana gets caught trying to get cookie.

The Running Back -  All-star Running back Ron Stoppable is about to face the biggest challenge of his life. He's got just a few seconds to win the championship for the Middleton Mad Dogs, but more importantly to him, he's got just a few seconds to make his girlfriend proud.

The True Meaning -  Both Ron and Kim are well aware of the true meaning of Christmas, and that's why they're volunteering at a church's Bethlehem Revisited event to spread the word. Kim's happy to help and all, but...why is Ron calling her such a weird name? - Warning for religious themes.

Trick or Treat -  Kim is pulling a trick on Ron, will it be a great treat, or is he about to suffer the wrath of Kim Possible? He has no clue, yet.

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Fillmore!

A Promising Tomorrow -  Takes place immediately after the end of the episode "A Forgotten Yesterday." Fillmore's lost two of his old friends now and needless to say, he's tired of losing people to the darkness he was lucky enough to escape from. Luckily, Ingrid's there to show him that his efforts to rehabilitate his delinquent friends haven't exactly gone to waste. There's one person who's benefited.

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Miraculous Ladybug

You’re Loved -  Adrien Agreste, Chat Noir, different identities but more alike than he would like to admit. No matter who he becomes at any given time, there's always something very important missing in his life. Will he ever find what he's looking for? Or is it possible he's always had it and never realized it?

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Beyblade

We Are One -  Kai gave it his all battling against Brooklyn and his bit-beast Zeus. Now, after his close brush with death, Kai must summon the strength to go and support Tyson before disaster strikes the world. But there's no way he's strong enough to do it on his own...but thankfully, he won't have to, which is what Kai is about to learn. Sister story to "I Can't Lose You."

I Can’t Lose You -  A week after Tyson's battle against the evil bit-beast Zeus and his trapped blader Brooklyn, the world is slowly making its way back to normal. Kai managed to survive and is recovering in the hospital, and Tyson is getting some much-deserved rest. But when Kenny comes to tell Tyson that Hilary has quit the team, he loses it, and goes to find out why. My first Beyblade story.

Save a Dance For Me -  With the all new BBA launching with a gala to celebrate the occasion, Tyson finds himself in the uncomfortable position of needing to ask someone to be his date. He has someone in mind, but will his greatest beyblading rival get in his way and turn out to be his greatest rival in love?

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Teen Titans

Healing Touch -  With several Titans pairing up, the lingering emotions are taking a toll on Raven's empathic senses and causing her to lose control of her own feelings. When she gives in and does something completely crazy, it's up to Beast Boy to pull her out of a dark place and bring her back to the light. - There is accompanying artwork from @hollylu-ships-it HERE and HERE.

More Than a Hero -  I've learned a lot of lessons under Batman, he taught me everything I would ever need to know about being a superhero, about being Robin...but Starfire taught me how to be Dick Grayson, and she taught me how to fly. - Story from Robin’s POV, accompanying artwork from @hollylu-ships-it​ is HERE.

Robin Rising -  Life is good for Dick Grayson, he's the leader of a team of superheroes he's blessed enough to call his family, and he's about to turn 18 which he figures will open up a whole new world of possibilities for him. But when his old mentor and "father" calls in, showing that he captured a criminal that had eluded the Titans forever, things get flipped upside-down. - Multichapter fic which is part of a much larger universe, plenty of accompanying artwork can be found over on @hollylu-ships-it​‘s account. Go give her a follow and fav.

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Sonic the Hedgehog

A Light in Darkness -  A small band of heroes go back in time to try and prevent a cataclysmic event that would eventually destroy all of creation as they knew it. But what is the nature of this threat? How dangerous is it? And how far will they have to go in order to stop it from viciously destroying all they hold dear? Features a deep cast of Sonic characters, and a very special OC owned by @e-vay​

Anonymous -  For Shadow the Hedgehog, Christmas doesn't mean what it means to his friends and the rest of the world. Instead, he has a self-appointed mission he needs to carry out. But this year, he may find something that he's never really had before, and it could change the way Shadow sees Christmas for the rest of his life.

Christmas Wishes -  For ten years, Amy Rose has only wanted one thing for Christmas, and she's finally come to accept the reality that she'll never receive it. But a conversation with Rouge rekindles her hope and her Christmas spirit. Will she be let down again? Or will her one wish finally come true this year? Read to find out. (Sister story to my other story titled "Anonymous")

Comfort In the Storm -  When a thunderstorm strikes and leaves Cream quivering in fright, it's up to Tails to find a way to alleviate his crush's fears, and maybe even give her a reason to enjoy thunderstorms instead of fearing them.

Cream Adventure DX: Author’s Cut -  A redo of an old story. Cream finds a strange statue in the meadow, and she knows just who to go to to figure out what it is, but she gets more than she bargained for when she goes looking for him. What happens?

Dreams of an Absolution - Silver lays awake at night and reflects on his life in this apocalyptic world Iblis has destroyed...but most of his reflections revolve around a certain fire girl with lavender fur. He wants to be happy with her, but a warzone is a bad place to kindle love, and so every night he lays awake, and dreams of an absolution.

Relations -  Knuckles has a problem. He's in love...but...that presents a very unique problem...or does it?

Running to the Point of No Return -  Sonic is the fastest thing alive, and Amy is told that that's the biggest obstacle keeping her and Sonic away from each other. But what's she supposed to do to keep up with him, when there's NO ONE fast enough to keep up with him?

Scars -  Some things that happen in life leave scars behind that go with us for the rest of our lives. For Miles "Tails" Prower, such a thing happened to him in the depths of space many years ago...the loss of his first true love...though the pain weakens and the scars fade, they never go away completely, and Tails has learned to live with and embrace that fact.

Seven Rings and Five Fingers In Hand -  A redo of the final battle in Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonamy style!

The Heart of Chao - Chao are adorable little creatures, and they make great pets for anyone who's looking for something to take care of. But there's more to chao than just being cute, they're filled with more heart and love than anyone can imagine, and that can sometimes lead to bringing others closer together. Here are just a few stories of that very thing happening to our favorite characters.

Trapped In This Machine -  Sonic has seemingly fallen madly in love with Amy, but is this sudden romance truly sincere, or is it only skin deep, hiding something sinister underneath? - Inspired by a drawing from @e-vay​, found HERE.

[theadorablespderman]

Everything to love about Far From Home not in this order:

Literally seeing that opening with all our loved avengers that are no more.

Whitney Houston “I will always love you” made me cry because damnit Tony’s face was right THERE! NOT OK!

The blip footage was pretty damn funny not gonna lie.

Peter’s cute ass plan to tell MJ how he feels.

MJ’s favorite flower being a Black Dalia because of the murder. Literally a girl I can relate too. Murderinos for life sister. Idk but it just made her sooo relatable!

The fact that Brad is a kid grown up from the blip and that made him seem all the weirder for MJ.

Jealous Peter was so freaking amazing! Oh my gosh! That face he’d get. I’m a sucker for jealousy and they did it so good.

Making MJ this awesome character she was before but also obviously has this softer layer where she does have flaws and insecurities and she’s really sweet but also so badass. That was amazing.

The starting relationship between Peter and Beck. It was cute and so I was sad knowing that Beck was somehow going to be the villain.

Also let’s talk about how Beck is basically Syndrom from the incredibles.

That scene with Peter and Brad....the pure terror when he snapped that picture

Also seeing how big of a dick Brad is and how unhealthy jealous he was.

“Nick Fury” getting ghosted, showing up in Venice, tranquilising Ned (don’t touch him you monster) and then promptly highjacking Peters Summer trip.

Showing the emotional trama Peter is going through. The anxiety, the greiving. It was very reminiscent of Iron Man 3 when Tony suffers from PTSD after the battle of New York. I loved that they showed Peter reacting as any kid would, many adults too, which is to just try and forget anything happened but being faced with the reality every day. So well done.

Happy and May’s relationship. Enough said 😂😂

I feel cheated we didn’t see Mr delmore again.

Addressing all the problems the Blip/Snap created. High school aging, school, drinking ages, homelessness and housing issues. That’s just the start of it I’m sure but they covered those pretty well and I love that.

The technology that made Beck into Misterio was so well done. Instead of some frankly, kinda far fetched story that he came from an alternate earth (which I was willing to believe but felt it was a cop out in terms of plot and character) they showed the real world issues that superhero’s can create. The Enemies that have a real deep rooted hatred for hero because they’ve personally been betrayed or wronged by them. Because marvel has always made clear, everyone is not on the hero’s side.

Steeping Misterio’s powers in tech which is classing marvel but again, so brilliantly done in this movie. I loved the development. Because at first glance, half way through, I was thinking “wow this is really kinda weird and unexplained and too witchcraft for what marvel usually brings to the superpower backstory” I know it’s weird to say after everything marvel has done. But it seemed just a tad out there without being too hard to grasp. Which again was brilliantly done because that was the whole point.

The nod to Misterio’s helmet even when Beck was in the hologram suit watching everything play out. I guess it was his screen? But I loved the staple of even without his big over the top suit he still had the trademark helmet. Great costume design.

Peter’s soft gazes towards MJ. Nearly gave me a cavity they were so sweet! Ahhh sooo cute

Mr. Harrington’s marital problems nearly made me pee my pants....we all knew here in the fandom that shit like that would half to happen but my god lol

The opera scene was sooo freakin cute and that one step Peter took when he saw Brad move in was so freaking cute and hot!

MJ running after him and finding the critical peice of information to crack the case wide open. Loved it.

Betty and Ned’s Sicily sweet romance that you knew couldn’t possibly last. They really nailed the realistic high school romance. But I still ship it.

The bus scene was epic. And when Peter knocked Flash out...god it was amazing.

Mj obviously having love eyes towards Peter same as he does for her.

THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THAT NECKLACE FOR HER OH MY GOD! I CANT GET A GUY TO TEXT ME BACJ LET ALONE BUY A NECKLACE LIKE THAT WHICH PROBABALY COST A GOOD CHUNK OF CHANGE IT WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING AND CUTE AND TOUCHING.

All the iron man images got me feeling depressed as hell

“are you being serious because I was only like 67% sure?” That was amazing. Seeing MJ get so excited and trying to keep that hidden was awesome

The fact that she was so pleased with herself but also played it hella cool when Ned walked in and she said she figured it out. Literally that is me.

The shirtless Peter trope that we all wanted and freaking got! So freaking cute how she tried to peak at his abs. Like understandable girl.

The fucking illusions. Turning our sweet trusting Peter into a ball of mess. I was too.

God when he had to tell himself it wasn’t real but it still totally feels like it is.

Him trying to save MJ when she’s “thrown off the Eiffel Tower”

Every traumatizing thing Beck shows and tells him during the illusion. So shitty.

Seeing Tony’s grave, seeing iron man come out. That was awful and we all felt it in the movie because we’ve lost him too. We could FEEL that slap same as Peter.

Beck telling Peter that Tony’s death was his fault. I was abouta hurl myself at the movie screen.

Every illusion done in a way that just when you think it’s over, it’s never stopped. You forget what’s real and you feel trapped in it same as Peter does.

WHEN HE GETS HIT BY THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!! Nearly had a damn heart attack!!!! My mom had to look over and ask if I was ok because I literally stopped breathing for a solid 30 seconds.

Showing gradually just how insane and evil Misterio was.

HAPPY BEING CONCERNED FOR PETER! LIKE SINCERELY AND HONESTLY CONCERNED! It’s good to know he’s got Happy to take care of him and May but that Peter still has a father type figure he can count on after Tony. Because you know Tony wouldn’t have put up with any of that getting hit by a train shit.

Also where the hell was Karen? We missed her. We got Edith but Karen wouldn’t have let Misterio take her over. WHERE WAS KAREN!!

Peter crying and needing to know Happy was real. Broke me heart

That hug between them was so sweet and you can see the concern on Happy’s face

Happy and Peter opening up to each other was so awesome considering their relationship in Homecoming.

ALL THE TONY and PETER PARRELLS! All of them!!!!!!!!! Not the people saying “Spider-Man’s the next Ironman” no the actual hints and glimpses at how similar him and tony actually are. The hologram gauntlet shot, a straight parallel to Iron Man when Tony is building his first real suit. Obviously “Back in Black” by Led Zeplen (formally known as AC/DC) playing. Another obvious hint toward Tony. The Stark sunglasses. Peter falling with the parachute and it literally looks like Ironman with his jet stream behind him from a distance. There’s so much more I’ll do a whole other post on.

Of course: “I love Led Zeplin!” Hahaha it’s such a kid thing to say! I’ve said it before I knew the big differences between AC/DC and Led Zeplin. It was so freaking perfect.

Peter making his suit and Happy’s face. Bittersweet and I live for the affection he holds for Peter now.

The Netherlands Holding cell...must I say more?

Brad’s downfall and MJs amazing comment about him taking pictures of people in the bathroom. Ep-ic. Even flash was like “bro that’s so weird”

Mr. witchcraft was hilarious and I loved his aside with Brad “I’m gonna be the cool teacher and tell you you can’t do that anymore.”

Flash is definately Gay or Bi and I’m so here for it. That wink he makes to Peter proves it.

All the near death truths in the vault of the tower.

MJ BADDASS COMES SWINGING WITH THE MACE AND IT WAS LEGINDARY OH MY GOD! YES GIRL! She’s my idol I love her so much.

Peter and his “Peter Tingle” And while we’re on the subject the banana he gets to the face while packing.

Important. His amazing skills at the end trusting his instincts (which is great because May says in regards to MJ, but it applies to this too) May tells Peter to trust his instincts and don’t think too much. And that’s what he does when he defeats Beck.

The bad ass “you can’t fool me anymore” after redirecting the gun away from his head at the end. Literally was so intense and well done.

Peter and MJ’s kisses! I loved how awkward it was at first and the slightly less awkward one. They really accurately captured the awkwardness of teenagers in love. Like that’s what it’s like guys.

Show me MJ’s parents you cowards, or show me something. Anything. I just want to know the nature of the situation.

Ned and Betty’s breakup. So funny and honestly not surprising at all. But still I ship them.

The hand hold. So cute.

May and Peter still being the cutest aunt and nephew duo there ever was.

I totally thought Peter was going to end with telling the world he was spiderman....BUT SOME OTHER ASSHOLES DID IT FOR HIM AND MADE HIM INTO A VILLAN AND IM PISSED. LOOKING AT YOU MR JAMESON YOU PEICE OF SHIT.

The movie ended and I have no idea what’s next.

Mid credit of MJ swinging through New York. Home girl doesn’t like and neither do I. Looks full on terrifying we don’t blame you hun.

After credit where the skrulls have been playing Maria and Nick fury for the whole movie. Honestly it made more sense because Nick fury seemed just a bit off. ALSO WHERE IS THE REAL NICK FURY at and I’m so psyched to see where this new movies are gonna go!

Alright that all for now folks!!!! Everything about the movie was great!!! I will have to watch again ad see if anything more pops up. Sorry for any spelling errors I’m on my phone.

[diaryofasupergroupie]

This post is quite personal and talks about my mental health, my relationships and stuff I have been going through lately so if this is at all triggering please don’t read it. But I think it is important to be authentic and real like a lot of people who message me are with me. Enjoy! xoxo - K

Tour was thoroughly chaotic as to be expected. Sometimes things aren’t designed to run smoothly and at the very last moment things tend to fall apart for a reason. As the tour went on K began to become more chaotic and manic with how he spoke and what he did. All I wanted was to look after him and keep him safe but that is a lot easier said than done. He was completely exhausted after the whole act he was putting on through the show and with the fans. There were a group of kids who followed the entire tour and eventually when the doors were closed and everyone was gone he would want to fall to pieces. He begged for a hit so he would get to feel what he used to. I cared for him, I truly did and I had every intention of going on tour with him even while I was falling apart but things don’t always work out that way.

I was due to fly out alone before the plans changed to me flying out hours later but with my friend M and their photographer, before finally the flight was cancelled. It was one of those moments when everything seems to be conspiring against you and you have to wonder if the universe is trying to tell you something. My gut told me to pull out and with all the sorrys in the world I sent him my love and a care package with M who flew out today.

While I said I would update you on tour people have told me they like how honest I am when it comes to my own mental health and my toxic relationship with C. I can’t talk about this week without talking about the decline that led to me having a meltdown in a tiny shower room with M. I’m very good at maintaining a state of denial throughout my day. While I was busy living in that under the surface there was me wanting to pull my hair out with the thought of C touring the UK very soon and my age going up. For C if you have read my previous post on him you know why that would be making me anxious. But something I don’t think I have shared is just how much my age has got to me. Most of the girls trying to surround the bands I love are younger than me and the realisation that next September I will be studying for a Masters degree and then have to get a 9-5 job has been haunting me for a while now. When I decide to leave the scene it is always because I feel too old for it and I am so scared of what everyone else will think.

When I went on the road with the band this only got worse and not because I didn’t want to be there. I love touring and I love music, more than anything. It makes me feel something that I can’t even explain. Music for me can be like a spiritual experience and when I am there with it I feel like I am high. If you don’t feel like that I don’t know whether I can explain it to you really. But that feeling that I shouldn’t be there and should instead be focusing on being an adult despite all the bands being in their late twenties and thirties was driving me crazy.

I would never cry in front of the band or have anything resembling a meltdown. But when they went on stage I was with M and locked myself in the shower room. Having meltdowns is a lot less common for me than it used to be and honestly I thought I was over them. Maybe part of me was scared of being in the scene because of what happened with C but I think it was definitely a mixture of both. C is more of a temporary fear while my age and having to grow up is more of a permanent one. The real issue is when you’ve been in the scene for as long as I have and from such an early age all the meaningful relationships in your life come from the scene. My best friends are groupies just like I am deep inside. The man who has been there through everything and is like my big brother is in a band with his life revolving around music. The man who is like a father to me is in a huge band with his life revolving around the industry too. Separating myself from that leaves me not alone but definitely limited.

While I was having a meltdown M phoned A who called me by my real name and calmed me enough for me to breathe again. A had always had this effect on me and he is one of few that can do this with me. He was so busy at the time but he still from across the Atlantic somehow calmed me down. The next night I came home and over four hours of facetime we got drunk together. We talked and reminisced about when we met in ‘09 all those years ago when the industry was such a different place. We were different people too with him being so silly yet mysterious while I was filled with trauma that had yet to happen. He fondly describes me as a very nice girl who had a very big chip on her shoulder. I loved everything but he saw me as someone who was so dark but could be so light. With risk of this sounding rather depressing we saw something in each other. We also talked about his terrible fashion sense back then and how over backcombed my hair was. We’ve both gone through terrible fashion phases. We invented our very own drinking game where we would read fanfiction about him and the first to break character would drink. I drank an impossible amount and had the hangover of all hangovers the next day. At one point he got up and disappeared for a while too and when he returned told me he had thrown up before he poured himself another drink.

Before all that though he told me he didn’t understand me at all. Everyone who asked me to go to their gigs and to tour with them wanted me there and were friends with me. The words he spoke to me made me realise that he knew me so well and he knew the real me. K and the real me are not two different people. They are the same and it’s stupid to think otherwise. Sure, their behaviour is certainly different but the way K loves the music and would do anything for it is real and it is inside me every moment of the day. A told me that if I didn’t stop with this too old bullshit I would give myself a mental breakdown and if I am honest I think he’s right. If I stop myself from being in the scene I won’t be me or even the person I want to be. I have one year to experience everything and I intend to. I am also doing it different thanks to A as well, instead of just being there for the ride I am learning all I can. This year I want to work on my book, to do more photography, production and PR for my friends. I have been so focused on growing up that I forgot how hard it is to get a job. You need to experience and if the industry can be something else for me I am going to take it. Besides, I can’t ignore my talent for somehow getting to meet the headliner.

I love music and the people who make it and that is always going to be part of me. Being a groupie isn’t about the drama with other girls or the exs who try to tear you to pieces. It’s about the music and being close to it. This all comes to me being comfortable in the scene now. No one actually knows how old I am they just know I have always been there which is something M keeps reminding me and honestly I could pass for 18. I also won’t have it any other way when C comes here playing the song about how awful I am to his fans. I don’t know the point in sharing all this really but I try to be authentic and honest which may help you all believe that I am a real person and not some creature who doesn’t feel anything and just gets to go to all these nice places. This is entirely stream of consciousness but hopefully someone can take something from it, I’m just not sure what exactly. Either way I think I’m done caring what other people think.     

[dustedmagazine]

Dust Volume Five, Number 10

The Hammered Hulls

Time again for a load of short, mostly positive reviews of records that caught our attention at least for a little while. This edition is typically wide ranging with free jazz, teen garage pop, piano experiments, acoustic guitar picking and goth-y post punk all jockeying for your ear. It’s not just obscurities this time around either, as Ian Mathers looks for the solid core of the National’s over-long latest, while Jen Kelly makes peace with the Futureheads. Participants besides these two include Bill Meyer, Andrew Forell, Nate Knaebel and Justin Cober-Lake.

CP Unit—Riding Photon Time (Eleatic Records)

Riding Photon Time by CP Unit

CP Unit, an evolving ensemble formed around saxophonist Chris Pitsiokis, exhilarates live, the sound anchored by antic, twitching, faster-than-advisable-but-nailed-anyway bass, complicated patterns of percussion and abstract slashes of guitar. Live, the music is colored rather than dominated, by the urgent, chaotic energy of the proprietor on horn. A late summer set at the Root Cellar in Greenfield, MA left me gasping. Riding Photon Time captures the same band I saw—Pitsiokis, Sam Lisabeth on guitar, Henry Fraser on bass and Jason Nazary on drums (which is different from the line-up Derek Taylor reviewed here )— in two fiery 2018 live settings. The first half of the disc was recorded at the Moers Festival in Germany in May, the second at the Unlimited Music Festival in November. “Once Upon a Time Called Now,” from the earlier set, captures the spare, rippling tension between Pitsiokis’ free-ranging inquiries and Nazary’s intricate but grounded rhythms; they duel for a couple of minutes before the rest of the band enters. The cut also foregrounds Fraser’s restless, rampaging bass work, carving a headlong through line in the squall and storm. “Seasick,” from the November show, gives space to Lisabeth’s guitar, lyrical in a tilted, offkilter way, the tones bouncing off Pitsiokis’ sax melody in loose conjunction and counterpoint. My only complaint is that the mix favors melody, zooming in on the sax and obscuring, somewhat, the fascinating interplay between drum and bass. In most bands, that’d be fine, but in this case, the rhythm is just too good to hide. 

Jennifer Kelly

 Eluvium — Pianoworks (Temporary Residence Ltd)

Matthew Cooper has done enough things under his Eluvium moniker that even those only mildly acquainted with his work might not be surprised that he’s put out an album of solo piano compositions; they might, however, be surprised to find out that Pianoworks is the second such Eluvium album, after 2004’s An Accidental Memory in Case of Death. That record, coming after the striking (and often noisy) debut effort Lambent Material served to establish that Cooper wasn’t going to be restrained by genre, form or instrument. Here, having accomplished an awful lot over the past 15+ years it’s fitting that Cooper appears to be in a more contemplative, even melancholy mood. Whether it’s the gently rippling “Underwater Dream” or the brightly rounded runs of “Carrier 32”, Pianoworks serves as a reminder that Cooper can stop you in your tracks with the simplest of setups, if he chooses. (And for those really a fan of his piano work, the deluxe version features an extra disc of new versions of practically all the previous Eluvium piano pieces as well.)  

Ian Mathers  

 Frieda’s Roses — Jessica Triangle (Mika)

The three women of Frieda’s Roses—that’s Greta Fannin, Ava Miller and Poppy Lang—aren’t even in high school yet; their ages range from 13 to 15. And yet, this debut album, Jessica Triangle, is a marvel of minor key garage pop, raucous and wistful at the same time. Its bristly onslaught of guitars guards a tender center. You also realize, about halfway through the album, that teen girl pop has changed since the last time you looked, and the subject matter here is rather empowered. In a very strong middle section, “Isadora Giving” chides a girl for being too accommodative (“She’s kind in the way of giving things away”), while the stand-out “Lucy Poe” celebrates the complexity and intelligence of a young woman (“She’s happy and not/at the same time.”) “Forever Defend Her Story” recounts the ordinariness of sexual assault and the way women are blamed for it. The songs are bright and dark simultaneously laying in the pretty vocals of, say, Grass Widow, atop a raucous, acerbic foundation. There’s no way you’d know, without reading the coverage, how young this band is. They sound like they’ve been doing it forever.

Jennifer Kelly

 The Futureheads — Powers (Nul)

Back at the old Dusted, I wrote perhaps my most vicious review ever about the Futureheads’ second album, News and Tributes. It was disappointment speaking — I’d genuinely liked their taut, fizzy debut — when I said, “Now, with News and Tributes, the sad truth emerges. The Futureheads were lean from hunger, not discipline. With opportunity, they tend toward the flabbiest sort of excess.” Well, 13 years have passed, and I no longer expect anything from the Futureheads. I’d forgotten they existed, to be honest, but their latest album, Powers, is kind of fun. Much of what made the debut such a pleasure—the tightly wound guitars, the unexpectedly complicated vocal counterparts, the exuberant avowal of depressing ideas—is here, too. “Electric Shock” trips all the wires (ahem) by itself, with its zingy guitar and drum cadence, its densely harmonized vocals and its celebration of an extreme form of mental health therapy (“When I got my electric shock/it knocked me off my feet”). “Jekyll” punches, stings and tantalizes, its hoarse, wracked northern lead pillowed by giddy oohs and ohs. “Can you control your transformations?” asks the singer Barry Hyde, and then the song itself transforms itself, turning into a popcorning cacophony of closely aligned vocals. Even the willfully positive, good time anthem, “Good Night Out” ripples with existential angst; it’s only a feel good song if you don’t listen too closely. And yet, there’s a great deal of joy in these tight, complicated songs. They burst into flames as you listen, leaving spots in your eyes from the brightness and the bitter taste of ash.

Jennifer Kelly

 Hammered Hulls — S/T (Dischord)

S/T by Hammered Hulls

Perhaps it's a bit lazy to toss out the old "super group" appellation; but, come on, if you're even a moderate follower of that thing we call indie rock, you have to recognize the extraordinary line-up of Hammered Hulls for what it is. With DC hardcore royalty Alec MacKaye on vocals, newly minted arena rocker Mary Timony on bass, Chris Wilson of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists fame (among other outfits) on drums, and Des Demona/Pink Monkey Bird Chris Cisneros on guitar, Hammered Hulls represents an undeniably impressive assemblage of rockers. If any individual band member's musical history comes to the fore here, though, it's probably MacKaye's, as the band trades in a brawny yet cunningly complex punk that recalls the musical revelations delivered by Dischord's first blasts of post-hardcore creativity. And while this is clearly a team effort, each sonic component is worthy of the listeners attention as much as the superlative whole. Though two of the three tracks clock in at just over a minute, indicating that at least in spirit the band isn't denying its past, the practically byzantine by comparison (coming in at almost four minutes) "Written Words" hints at the potential Hammered Hulls has to be more than just a spirited one-off by some friends with impressive resumes. This single should leave everyone desperate for more.  

Nate Knaebel  

 HTRK — Venus In Leo (Ghostly International)

Australian duo HTRK’s latest Venus In Leo is a collection of electro-acoustic minimalism characterized by a woozy shimmer reminiscent of Mark Nelson’s work as Pan American. Jonnine Standish and Nigel Yang have stripped their music to the bare bones. A heartbeat throb, sparse percussion, occasional washes of synth and Yang’s simple guitar strums underpin Standish’s voice mixed to the fore on nine songs redolent with damaged longing. There is a rawness of emotion and acute observation of small domestic moments recorded with an intimacy that draws the listener close. Influenced by dub’s use of space, echo and silence Yang and Standish achieve a feeling of momentum to evoke quiet turmoil. Their miniaturization of Missy Elliott’s “Hit ‘Em Wit Da Hee” takes repeated lyrical snippets from the original and turns the song into a ghostly waltz. “What's up star? /We know who you are/Shit, no shit I thought you hadn't noticed.” Venus In Leo’s unadorned modesty is at times devastating.

Andrew Forell

  Justin Peter Kinkel-Schuster — Take Heart, Take Care (Big Legal Mess)

Songwriter Justin Peter Kinkel-Schuster frames his new album Take Heart, Take Care as the result of an artistic problem. He'd become used to writing dark songs, until he found he was content and had mostly good things to say. It's a false dilemma, of course. Any number of artists have built not only albums but careers on encouragement (see the War and Treaty as an example of a current act doing it really, really well). The real trap for Kinkel-Schuster was to avoid get treacly in his new mood, and he successfully avoids that snare.

His performances rely on his patience — he's content, remember, but not exuberant. He builds his songs comfortably within his context, but he doesn't jump on them. When he sings, “There's plenty of wonder in this world still to be found,” on the opener, his ease prevents it from sounding like a naïve epiphany. Kinkel-Schuster's Americana-influenced indie-rock comes carefully constructed, but only to make space for that heart to come through. It's a songwriter's record, easy melodies supported by well-balanced guitars. It's the singer not the guitars who have done their processing. The record and its bright sound create a warm space and sit down in it. Kinkel-Schuster may have found his ease, but his desire to share it quickly becomes apparent.

Justin Cober-Lake

 Longriver—Of Seasons (Hullaballou)

Of Seasons by Longriver

David Longoria of Longriver picks nimbly at his guitar, plucking out porch blues-y tunes that are steeped in tradition but freshly imagined. Not quite spare, his tunes are abetted by a crew of Texas regulars, songwriters Sarah LaPuerta of Strange Paradise and Lindsey Verrill of Little Mazarn, Evan Joyce and Colin Gilmore, as well as composer/percussionist Thor Harris. Though mostly acoustic guitar and voice, his sound is filled out with harmonica, soft percussion and twining communal harmonies. His songs run at a mid-temperature folky pace, so soft spoken and unassuming enough to elide one into the other, and honestly, don’t quite catch fire until late in the album when ghostly, lovely “Texas Doesn’t Care” comes along. This one uses all the tools, an aching pedal steel guitar, some silvery electric keyboards, punchy drums and fiddle. It also contains the prettiest melody of the disc, fluttered out in a high, not quite falsetto quaver. A few more like this and Texas might sit up and take notice.

Jennifer Kelly

 Lunaires — If All the Ice Melted (Shades of Sound/Wave Records)

IF ALL THE ICE MELTED by Lunaires

If All the Ice Melted is a highly polished blend of cold wave, goth and stadium synthpop. This first outing from Milan post-punk Jeunesse d’Ivoire veterans Patrizia Tranchina (vocals) and Danilo Carnevale (guitars, programming, synths) evokes the heyday of 4AD bands such as The Cocteau Twins, Xmal Deutschland and Dead Can Dance. Here, Tranchina ruminates on loss, mortality and nature’s power as Carnevale constructs dreamy electronic soundscapes with sparklingly clean guitar lines twinkling above. The results are lovely but polite. The edges have been sandpapered to nothing and the dust swept away. “Mirror Trancefix” stands out precisely because it has that grit — the drum programming a little ragged, the bass dirty, the guitars cutting. Otherwise the gloss creates an emotional distance, which may be the point but discourages complete engagement with Tranchina’s often affecting vocals. If All the Ice Melts sounds good, and if it never quite breaks out there’s enough here to enjoy and look forward to what Lunaires could do with a little less restraint.

Andrew Forell

  Bill Nace & Chik White—Eel (all parts) / Wild Wire (Open Mouth)

The news that Bill Nace (Body / Head, Vampire Belt) has picked up an acoustic guitar and sat down to jam with a jaw harpist might give some cause for pause. Is he going American Primitive, or maybe going skiffle? Spoiler alert — the ghosts of John Fahey and Lonnie Donegan will not hear their names called when you play this record. But play it you will, and for only the best of reasons. First of all, it’s a seven-inch, black vinyl single, and no one buys such things anymore unless they really, really love them. But this one does more to earn your affection than merely exist. On the a-side, White’s orally organized vibrations and Nace’s persistent smacks on prepared strings stir up a constellation of buzzing sounds that’ll reliably destabilize your equilibrium without getting you fired when the Feds drop by to drop everyone on the work floor. The flip combines broad feedback ribbons with intermittent glottal eruptions to create a sonic sweat lodge experience so deep that you’ll be unloading all your Scientology machines on e-bay, all issues resolved.

Bill Meyer

  The National — I Am Easy to Find (4AD)

The National have been getting expansive recently (with the instrumentation and their runtimes, among other things), and who can blame them? Having attained the kind of big-venue prominence that means either you start lapsing into the version of yourself the hecklers always claimed you were (an especially slippery potential slope for a band like this one, so precisely emotionally calibrated and so close to being the bad kind of dad rock) or you start just going for it. The latter approach served them mostly well on Sleep Well Beast a few years ago, but this time finally feels like the kind of record that the National needed to make for their own progress more than one that’s necessarily fully successful. One absolutely successful move is the series of accompanying singers (“backing” seems almost disrespectful for what Gail Ann Dorsey and Lisa Hannigan, among others, bring to these songs), and the expanded studio palette first highlighted on Beast is still mostly working for them. There’s even a quick comparison in the form of old fan favorite “Rylan,” which still sounds great here. Ultimately what doesn’t quite settle right is just the sheer length, bulk, and discursiveness of the album, complete with accompanying film, brief interludes by the Brooklyn Youth Chorus, interpolating a Thinking Fellers Union Local 282 song into a track that was already too long and feeling that somewhere within these 63 minutes is a really killer 40 minute or so album just waiting to be carved out. Eight albums in, things could be a lot worse.  

Ian Mathers  

 Reduction Plan — (Ae)Maeth (Redscroll Records / Dune Altar)

(Ae) Maeth by Reduction Plan

Reduction Plan swells to epic size in this sixth full-length, turning the darkwave, synth-heavy aesthetic laid out in the five previous albums into an enveloping, shimmering, near-post-metal overload. Daniel Manning, the band’s single member, worked with Swans/Walkman producer Kevin McMahon this time, a move which transformed his Cure-circa-Disintegration gloom into a weighted, gleaming edifice. “An Act of Self Immolation” sets the tone with giant masses of guitar sound that tower and lumber. Unencumbered by vocals, it’s more like Pelican than gothy-post-punk. “The River” hews closer to new wave, with its clean, chiming synth tones, gate-reverbed drums and echoey vocals — there’s a nice smouldery sax solo in this one, too — but still looms and glowers with a palpable heaviness. “Ae Maeth,” at the end, brings on Jae Matthews from Boy Harsher for added vocals, a kindred spirit in reviving music at the intersection of dance, goth and industrial; the album’s longest cut slows the thump of dance floor into a desolate cadence that can’t and won’t stave off destruction.

Jennifer Kelly

 Rosenau & Sanborn — Bluebird (Psychic Hotline)

Bluebird by Rosenau & Sanborn

The house on the cover of this LP is surrounded by fallen leaves. But even though it depicts the location of this recording, and that recording took place in October, and they recorded with the windows open, the sounds inside are not particularly autumnal. Chris Rosenau’s (Collections of Colonies of Bees, Volcano Choir) is too quick and eager, Nick Sanborn’s (Sylvan Esso, Megafaun) electronics too effervescent. This music feels like the sun hitting your brow, refracted by heavy air. It feels like the first awareness of escape when you turn off the work phone and start a vacation. Or maybe it just feels like Indian summer. Put it on, put the speakers out the window, and go kick some leaves.

Bill Meyer  

 We Melt Chocolate — We Melt Chocolate (Annibale Records)

we melt chocolate by we melt chocolate

The reanimation of shoegaze pioneers My Bloody Valentine, Slowdive and Ride has brought renewed attention to the genre’s flourishing across Europe, the US, and Japan during their absence. Italian band We Melt Chocolate — that’s Vanessa Billi (voice and synth), Lorenzo Sbisa (guitar), Enrico Baroncelli (guitar), Marco Crowley Corvitto (bass) and Francesco Lopes (drums) — hit all the classic marks on their latest, excellently produced self-titled album. Ethereal vocals, banks of effects laden neo-psychedelic guitar, washes of synth, and a thick bottom end are all present and correct. Taking Loveless as their template, We Melt Chocolate strive for the epic and on tracks like “wishful” and “orange sky” reach it with elegance rather than sheer volume, although turning it up never hurts. We Melt Chocolate probably won’t convert non-believers, but fans of shoegaze and dream pop will find a lot to like here.

Andrew Forell

[hollygopossumlovesj2]

Come Back Down, Part 21

Title: Come Back Down, Part 21

Warning/Rating: NC-17; For graphic smut, hand job (male receiving), cussing, description of mental illness.

Word Count: 4,879

Summary: Recovery is not easy for Jensen. It involves sitting still and ‘resting’ which pretty much adds up to anxiety and feelings of failure. Depression weighs heavily on him as he contemplates the past month.

A/N: Thank you, @tas898, for reading through this and reassuring me that it wasn’t complete crap! Also for pushing me to post the damn thing. I super appreciate your support, Twinsie!

Hollygopossum’s Master List ~ If you’d like to read more of my work, click this link 

Come Back Down Master List ~ Just incase you’d like to catch up, click this link here!

Cbd21

I’d been home for about 2 weeks now and had barely even left this room. Despite being drugged up to the gills for most of it, I was starting to lose patience with everyone. Mom had, of course, been insufferable and over attentive which was both annoying and guilt inducing. I knew there were preparations for her favorite holiday to be done but she was too busy checking on me every thirty minutes. Which, was an improvement because up until a couple of days ago, it had been every five.

It was a crazy concept to me, when I thought about it, but Christmas was only less than a week away. The two weeks I’d spent in hospital had seemed to drag on and on, but it turned out that hospital time goes a lot slower than real time.

The time I spent hospitalized was anxiety inducing, especially with my parents and their superpower of smothering the fuck out of me. My family had come to an agreement of a different schedule when I finally lost it enough to need more iv Ativan.

They were only allowed to come in one person at a time. My parents traded of the morning and afternoon shift. Josh, Mackenzie and Jared had each come to visit and take a ‘shift’ that I found unnecessary since I had a very attentive nurse. She came quickly when I had to break down and push the button but she hadn’t tried to make small talk. She was there to get down to business.

Then there was Y/N. She mainly took the night shift, after my parents and I had put our foot down that she needed a shower and at least 5 hours of sleep that she wouldn’t get if she stayed glued to my side 24/7. Selfishly I wanted her to stay with me and scare off my parents with her haunted eyes. But, she truthfully hadn’t recovered from me scaring the ever loving fuck out of her and she needed sleep and food.

So now, even though I was feeling pouty and ready to hunchback my healing ass out of this room and to the nearest bar, I stifled it. Earlier in the week, I’d half heartedly tried to convince her to go home to Wyoming. I told her she didn’t have to stay to take care of me when she had so many things to do at home. The argument was pointless, like arguing with an especially grumpy mule. I tried to let the guilt bog me down. I tried to convince myself that I was not just uselessly just putting her life on hold, and many of the cast and crew were ‘home on break’ until we had a full cast to work with.

So much guilt. Forever with the guilt.  

Unfortunately for me, she was also extremely perceptive. She always had been, and she knew with just one look that I wasn’t handling the bed surfing part of my recovery well. If I were honest with myself, I would admit that the appendectomy had scared the fuck out of me too. But, it seemed wrong to voice that when everyone else had been terrified too. I was damn relieved that she hadn’t listened when I told her that she should go home.

She knew from experience how much of a pain in the ass I could be when I wasn’t feeling well. And, like I’d said before, we’d been there for each other through a large variety of situations. Like, the time I’d gotten mono from making out with Anna McDowell the summer before senior year.

Y/N had been the only person home because she was visiting over her break. Dad was off filming a part in some sitcom that filmed in Vancouver. After I had assured Mom that Y/N and I could behave and would be fine alone, she had reluctantly gone with him.

My throat had been brutally sore and I’d felt weighed down like I could sleep for days at a time. I’ll just say that mono had made the bad cold I’d had back in Cheyenne look like the sniffles. She made sure I drank plenty of fluids and took my medication. She would even bring me popsicles if I didn’t bitch too much. I know I definitely tested Y/N’s patience that first week of summer. It was one of the many times that solidified the position she held in my life as my favorite person.

Now, things were a little different. We weren’t just two teenagers trying to get by anymore. She never gave me any inclination that she ever planned to run like hell. I’d tried to get used to the very real possibility that dealing with all of this was just too much for me to ask. How could such a friend stay in my life for so long? Especially when they were picking up pictures of her and putting them in the gossip magazines?

My life was already spilling over into hers and I hadn’t made anything official. I’d gotten comfortable with what we had, but now I had to consider the possibility that she wouldn’t want the kind of life that was constantly being observed underneath a microscope. Not that I could completely begrudge Danneel for going off the deep end, but I knew I was going to get some backlash for that. That meant that Y/N might get backlash, too. Some of my fans had tagged her as the ‘other woman’ years ago before I’d wizened up.

My sad effort to keep these worries and some others under wraps and my problem alone had failed. She’d tried to cheer me up by offering me my favorite foods or letting me watch whatever I wanted, but the truth was that I was going fucking stir crazy. I didn’t want to sit still so that my abdominal internal sutures could heal properly like the outside sutures were headed to a lot quicker than I had thought. To be honest, it was getting a little itchy which just added to my discontent.

To be fair, I recognized that it was my own damn fault that I’d landed in this situation. If I hadn’t been such a hard headed dipshit, I’d be back on set by now.

On top of that, I couldn’t help but think about Danneel and the fake pregnancy. I still hadn’t been able to give her what she wanted. It still stung more than I was prepared for, even though we weren’t together anymore. Our divorce had caused her to suffer a psychological break, or so her brother had informed me in a very angry, violent conversation over the phone right after I’d been released to go home.

I’d spoken to Danneel’s mother yesterday and she’d informed me that Danneel was receiving treatment closer to her home town in Louisiana in a much nicer, if a little bit professional tone. The doctors there thought the break was due to the imbalance of hormones in her system caused by the fertility treatments she had been having. Oh, and stress. For some reason, Danneel’s mother took pity on me. She mentioned that even though stress didn’t help the situation, it had played a very small part in comparison to the fertility treatments and her unsuccessful attempts at conceiving a baby.

I still couldn’t quite let myself off of the hook, even having been pardoned by her mother. As soon as I was healed enough to drive, I planned on making time to visit with Mrs. Graul and maybe even Danneel if she was ready to have visitors. I knew all too well that the divorce was solid this time, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being responsible for pushing Danneel closer to the deep end. She might have meant to harm me, but I would’ve never wished her any real pain.

Y/N was still furious with Danneel who had confessed to running her off the road and into the ravine. A dark, unpopulated ravine that she’d been at the bottom of for nearly a week. Add on top of that the vandalism of her barn, and Y/N had every reason to press every charge possible, but she’d dropped them when she found out that Danneel wasn’t mentally well. She’d told me right before bed the night before that she didn’t want to make a bad situation worse. Plus, it was kind of hard to point fingers at someone who’d had such a hard time adjusting that they had a meltdown.

Once the media got a hold of the story, some negative Tweets and articles had already been released. Some of the Supernatural fandom were not very happy with me. They blamed me for Danneel’s mental break, and I couldn’t say I blamed them. The suits at the CW said not to worry, that the negative press would settle soon. They’d even tacked on that my drama had actually benefited the show being renewed. Bad attention, is still attention. Ugh! I felt used, but at least the crew would still have a job the longer they stayed on tv.

I sighed, feeling the tension building back up in my chest. It had only been momentarily alleviated by Y/N’s earlier animated conversation about how beautiful our hometown was. As she’d leaned into my shoulder, and nowhere else because I was a fucking china doll, she’d reminisced in a way that didn’t completely depress her. It was new, this lighter side of her talking about childhood hang outs and memories of us as high schoolers.

No matter how many times she returned to Dallas, and even though my parents had moved to a new house a few years before, the first couple of days always hit her like a sledgehammer. Especially if she tries to talk about her family. Now though, she seemed relaxed and happy to be here. She’d come back upstairs a couple of times ready to discuss a conversation that she’d had with my parents. There were little tidbits of information that she’d never known about her mom until my Mom had shared with her.

Maybe I’d be able to summon the inner strength to ask her what had changed.

She had disappeared about an hour ago and the book I was trying to read wasn’t holding my attention for longer than 5 minute increments.

Ever since I’d arrived home I’d been battling the nervous, possibly manic energy that was buzzing beneath my skin the longer I was forced to sit still. There were so many things that needed to be done for the show and I’d had to fight with both my Mom and Y/N so that I could leave to do voice work next week. They’d eventually given in when I told them that it was going to be done locally and for short amounts at a time. Even being able to do voice work in the very near future didn’t really quell it.

The crew had made changes as soon as they knew my recovery would be extended. They had left me out of several scenes and used my stunt guy to fill in where they couldn’t. I hated the strain this put on my friends.

Singer had tried to comfort me with the fact that it was only a couple of episodes and then they would break for Christmas. I wasn’t comforted. I hated anything that would possibly take away from the shows full potential and the family that was there.

You’d think the nervous energy would be completely cancelled out by the depressive episode of gargantuan proportions. It was obvious with my unwillingness to get out of bed or eat or to bathe myself with anything more complicated than a baby wipe down. I could actually feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, even with taking my antidepressant regularly. I could recognize it but I couldn’t do anything about it without feeling overwhelmed and defeated.

I had been at the end of my rope a few nights ago and finally caved. I told Y/N a shortened version of what was going on with me, omitting my worries about her because I didn’t want to give her more things to worry about. She had listened patiently but she hadn’t tried to soothe me with putting her hands on my face or giving me a look of pity.

She chose a scientific explanation that put me at ease faster than a generic, ‘I’m sorry, baby.’ She’d simply explained that sometimes anesthesia and the sedatives would mix up the normal balance of brain chemicals. That I should just try to take it easy until they balanced themselves out, but I didn’t know just how much more I could take.

Bored by the book I was trying to read and filled to the brim with hopelessness, I fell asleep. Sleeping was my only escape. It was the only way I could stop the voices in my head telling me how much I’d fucked up. That I was letting everyone that I’d ever cared about down.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been asleep the next time I woke up, but it was a pleasant wake up. Y/N face was leaning down so that she was eye level, a private smile on her face and a little blush on her cheeks. It looked like maybe she had been able to be outside for a little while and gotten some sun on her face.

“Hey.” She whispered like speaking too loud would disturb the room. As I slowly became more conscious, I noted that she’d opened the blinds to let some sun it. It glowed brightly against the beige carpet in the room, reflecting an ethereal glow on her face.

“Hey.” I croaked, lifting a hand to push the hair hanging in her face behind her ear. She leaned down a little further to kiss my nose and then my lips, bringing a small smile out.

“I’ve run a bath for you.”

And… the moment was gone. “A bath?” A bath required energy. A bath meant I’d need help getting in and out. A bath sounded terrible.

“Yeah.” She sat down on the edge of the bed, probably seeing my face fall. “I’ll do all the work. All you have to do is stay awake.”

“I don’t want you to do all the work.” I grumped, groaning quite dramatically as I sat up. “I don’t want you to have to do anything.”

“Would you rather your Mom helped?” Dirty. She played dirty. She deduced the answer by the appalled twist to my expression. “Maybe we could have a little fun.”

I lifted an eye brow in question, wondering if Y/N had lost her mind while I’d been sleeping. It was a tiny bit enticing but absolutely not while my parents were still in the house. That would just be weird. Plus, I wasn’t exactly in shape to be doing acrobatics in the garden tub.

“Your parents are gone shopping for some last minute Christmas things. They’ll probably be gone…” She checked the phone she’d been carrying in her right hand. “For the next two hours.”

And, there went most of my excuses.

I didn’t cave one bit, my face a study in extreme grumpiness, as she walked close beside me while I hobbled into the upstairs bathroom. Even as I saw the bath tub full of bubbles and surrounded by a couple of candles that had to be left over from Mackenzie, I remained against this whole thing. It was one thing for me to help her shower all last summer. It was completely another for her to do the same.

I loved her and I wanted to be her safety and her security. I couldn’t very well do that while she was washing my ass for me.

To Y/N’s credit, she never lost the smile on her face or the genuine care she put into getting me into the tub. Which, if I were in the mood to be honest, it wasn’t as complicated as I’d thought it would be. It didn’t even hurt as much as I thought it would, but I still would’ve preferred some damn baby wipes or a sink bath to this. I could already be napping again by now. I was already a little breathless from the ten feet I’d just crossed to get to the bathroom.

A thought occurred to me as I got lost watching her take her clothes off, neatly folding them up on the counter next to what I assumed were my clean clothes. (Because I hadn’t even thought about grabbing any) But, maybe she was pushing this bath because she was tired of sleeping next to someone that (maybe, possibly) didn’t smell too fresh. The reasons didn’t even really matter that much. I was in the tub now. Might as well be fucking clean.

“Sit up a little.” She helped by pushing my shoulders forward and then slipped in behind me, her legs spread wide to frame mine. “Okay, now lean back.” I carefully leaned back and despite my issue with being the little spoon, I had to admit that it felt good. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, the water gently lapping around us and her arms encircled around my chest so I wouldn’t slide down.

This was nice and quiet, the firm hold around my chest chased a bit of the crazy anxious feeling away. Y/N knew exactly what I was doing and the possibility of her not knowing hadn’t crossed my mind besides being a grumpy asshole.

I didn’t even have to move when she began soaping my hair with shampoo, using a cup to wet my hair and then rinse it. I begrudgingly had to admit, if only to myself, that having my hair washed felt fucking fantastic. I relaxed further, humming as I let my full weight lean against her, as she massaged my scalp with firm fingers.

Her chuckle vibrated against my back, making a relaxed smile slowly spread on my lips. “You and your hair.”

I cocked an eyebrow even though she couldn’t see it, “What do you mean, ‘you and your hair?’” My voice grumbled an octave or two deeper because I was on the cusp of falling asleep.

“All anyone has to do to wipe that grumpy look on your face is put their fingers in your hair. I’m not sure you can have your hair cut in public with the noises that you make. You might get arrested for being indecent.”

“What?” I tensed up a little, only because what she was describing wasn’t very manly at all. I couldn’t help the character traits that I held to so rigidly. “I do fine in public thank you very much.” I had evolved since I’d grown up in Texas and made sure to never extend anything but support, especially to those that chose to challenge the world’s expectations and dared to be exactly who they were. I admired their strength, but I was still stuck living by my Dad’s southern expectations and it was a lot easier to be understanding of someone else than it was to be understanding of myself.

“Shhh…” Her fingers slid down to dig deeply into my intensely tight neck muscles after she’d rinsed my hair thoroughly. I instantly forgot what I was ruffled about. “I didn’t mean to get your hackles up, Ackles. You’re still a big tough guy if that’s what you want to be.”

She got a grunt in response, mostly because I didn’t want to get into another discussion about how I hold myself to too many rigid self-expectations. Oh yes, she had made her point several times, but I just couldn’t stop. The anxiety that I’d been trying to fight since childhood always managed to make me fixate on my flaws. All through Days of Our Lives and Dark Angel, I would spend hours rehearsing and trying to have my line delivery perfect. When I would lay down at night, all the times I’d failed would keep me from sleeping well, including the time I’d failed to get a big part in the kindergarten play. I took a big breath and let it go, relaxing back into her warm, soft body.

I let myself drift in and out of consciousness, letting her hands wash away all the eck that had built up while I was laid up. Y/N had clipped her nails short so that she could massage my skin as she washed everywhere thoroughly, pushing the painful toxins and leaving me basically a pile of jelly. Damn it felt good. She cleared her throat, a tell that she had something important to say, and I braced myself for what would come next.

“You can’t do this to me again, okay?” She began to whisper, her warm breath and lips tickling the back of my neck and setting off goosebumps as she swiped the wash cloth over my healing incision. I hummed in answer, trying to maintain this relaxed state for as long as possible, but let her know I was listening. “You get a free pass for this one, but anything after this, there will be consequences.” I grunted, unable to conjure up enough energy to form words. “I won’t be able to handle it again, Jay. I never wanted to be close to anyone after my parents. But then, there you were. I will never be able to survive a day without you alive on this Earth somewhere, and that terrifies me.”

The sound of her sniffling brought me back to Earth, her words processing clearly. I laid my head back, held up by her shoulder as I searched blindly for her lips. My eyes were still closed as I instinctively found them. I was afraid if I opened my eyes that she would see the fear in mine as well. Not because of her threat of retribution and consequences, but the horrifying thought that if something happened to me she wouldn’t survive.

They were salty from tears when she pressed her lips against mine. I turned the kiss into something needy, something that expressed the vulnerable thing inside me with her name on it, without words. I wanted to pull her into my lap and hold her close but the internal sutures kept me from moving very much at all.

“M’not goin’ anywhere.” I pressed the words into her willing lips, my tongue easing in to glide over her teeth and then battle for dominance with her tongue.

“Okay,” she whispered on an inhale, her fingers teasing my happy trail below the surface. I was already responding to her kisses, my dick already filling with blood and half hard. I couldn’t help the grunt that was muffled by our lips when her fingers lightly grazed me. My eyes squeezed closed even tighter against the emotion that was stirring turmoil in my chest. The bath and the tease of something more made sense now. She wanted to put her hands on me to feel me alive and well. How could I ever have thought I’d be strong enough to begrudge her that.

From then on her touches were done with more intent, her fingers teasing my shaft only to go lower and gently roll my balls and hold them in her palm. I was gonna be a quick trigger and I couldn’t even bring myself to feel self-conscious about it. I hadn’t even put my own hand on me since a few days before my surgery. I hadn’t even thought of this since I’d been home, too distracted by the pain.

But, fuck if it didn’t feel good now. I was already panting hard, my head feeling dizzy from my short breaths and limited oxygen intake. I tried to turn around so that I could touch and taste more of her, but she stopped me with her hands pressing firmly against my pecks to keep me still. “Stay like this. This is just for you.”

I didn’t like being the only one on the receiving end. I got a lot of my pleasure from watching her feel good. I loved how responsive she was. I loved the noises that she made and how she would finally just let go and feel it. However, I had to admit that what she was doing, the being in control? Fuck, that was hot, too.

I finally had to stop trying to kiss her, leaning my head back and tucking my nose into the crook in her neck just so that I could breathe her scent into my lungs. I felt her other hand leave my side a moment and the sound of a thick liquid being squeezed from a bottle. It didn’t really register until her hand was slicking up my cock with a lubricant. It was oil based so that it didn’t wash off right away, removing the friction that water made uncomfortable. The warm, wet sensation was overwhelming and I couldn’t help the groan as I pushed my face further into her skin.

This time she didn’t tease, sensing my urgency in the twitch of my hips, her hand firm as she began pumping with purpose. I was already desperate, my breath started to get caught in my throat and hitch in my chest.

“Relax, let me do all the work.” She whispered like a dirty, dirty porn star and put pressure on my hip to try to keep me still. The action resulting in a moan from deep in my throat, a thrill of pleasure crawling up my spine. Fuck it was hot that she was bossing me around a little.

She would bring me right to the edge, my toes curling in the water, before she’d ease off. I could hardly stay still or hold in the vulnerable moans that echoed in the acoustics of the bathroom. I couldn’t help but to thrust into her hand as much as she would allow, planting my feet and trying to get the most out of every single one. To keep from sliding down, my hands were leaving finger print bruises as I gripped her thighs for dear life. Fuck!

“Oh, fuck. Oh, god-. …gonna… Sweetheart, I’m gonna-. Oh, fuck!” When she finally let me come it felt like months’ worth of come was dragged out of me in long, hard pulses. My balls clamped down so hard that they were actually sore when I could bring myself to give a fuck. To be honest, I didn’t know what I said, my mind blown and focused on just one thing, babbling the words that just rolled out of my mouth without a filter. There may have been curse words or multiple praises for unknown deities and moans that might’ve sounded like I was dying. All I really knew was that my throat was a little dry when I could finally focus on the room.

The orgasm had turned my entire body into jelly, my legs and arms were like limp noodles. I hissed through my teeth, my dick still very sensitive, when she washed the lubricant off with a warm, soapy wash cloth. God, as much as I’d complained and tried to convince Y/N that this wasn’t a good idea, I had to admit to myself that I had been wrong.

Even though I had been a grumpy ass, she had still been able to take care of me so completely that mixed in with the orgasmic haze was a hell of a lot of gratitude.

Getting me out of the bath tub and dried off would probably be a funny story later, but I was too relaxed to care. I could feel the dopey smile on my face as Y/N laughed at me while I leaned almost my entire weight into her side. “Whoo…” We listed to the left and to the right a little because my brain was mostly out of the building.

“Alright, chuckles, hang on for me for just a minute longer.” She kind of sounded like I was probably killing her back, but my center of gravity depended on her.

When we finally made it safely to the bedroom and into bed, she took great care as she tucked me in. She pulled the comforter up to beneath my chin and dipped to kiss my lips one more time.

It was pure luck that I was able to work my hand and to grab onto her shirt before she could get up to leave. She returned the big, dumb smile I could feel on my face. “Stay.”

The amused smile on her kiss swollen lips turned soft as she answered me with a kiss to my forehead. “Okay.” I watched blearily as she ditched her blue jeans and bra, climbing and snuggling up close next to me in just a t shirt and her blue lace panties. She laid up against me, but put her arm over my chest to avoid my incision, tucking her face beside mine, sharing my pillow. “Love you.”

I pressed my lips into her forehead, staying there as I fell into a few deep, quality hours of sleep. “Love you, too.”

Tagging (Forever’s): @perpetualabsurdity, @maileann, @daydreamingintheimpala, @gecko9596, @gemini75eeyore, @jotink78, @dancingalone21, @winchesterprincessbride, @sandlee44, @exploratiionist, @arryn-nyx, @littledarlinhavefaithinme, @tiffanycaruso, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @feelmyroarrrr, @raeganr99, @ruprecht0420, @anokhi07, @letsgetyourdeanon, @sis-tafics, @callmesatansprincess, @atc74, @ryansgirl5509, @notnaturalanahi, @keepcalmandcarryondean, @sea040561, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @uniquewerewolfsuit, @ria132love, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @pretty-fortune, @butiaintgonnaloveem, @justanotherdeangrl, @weasleywinchester,@easelweasel, @akshi8278, @tas898, @mandymoiselle1970, @pansexualmeteorite,

Tagging (CBD Only): @melissaj616, @katrena7, @deansdirtyduchess, @anticipate1003, @jalove-wecallhimdean, @shamelesslydean, @xristina-gkika

[ashpanman]

Post Concert Depression is REAL

I miss BTS. 

I miss my adventure with @kosmicguk and @taegotjams. You guys are the best. You both are beautiful humans, I love you my babies. Thank you for being so fun to be around, taking all the L’s possible and making this experience so special, it means more to me than you both know. I just wish I held onto you guys just a little longer before we parted ways…I LOVE YOU TRIGGER TEAM, MOMMA LOVES YOU OKAY? 

I feel so blessed that we saw BTS BOTH days while in Newark, it was literally one of the best experiences ever. I came back so sick because it was so cold but I don’t regret anything. I’m home and back to a normal dull routine but I daydream and reminisce and become sad because I miss everyone and wanna go back but happy at the same time because I actually did something crazy and amazing for once in my 21 years of living??? Skipped school and work, booked a flight from FL to NJ to wait 10+ hours in line in 20 degree weather to see BTS be magical/artistic/amazing/ethereal/see pure talent all up in my face? 

Yeah, it was worth it. Every second.

BTS are true performers, they feed off our energy in the crowd, despite maknae line being a bit sick they showed us their very best, everyone did. And it was the most amazing concert I’ve ever been to, I didn’t want it to end even though my legs were jello and were about to wobble off by the end of the night. I was on such a high from the atmosphere, nothing else mattered. They love their fans so much and truly showed it, I became an OT7 bias all over again after seeing them in the flesh because every single one of the members are so beautiful, I kept asking myself how they were even real. I wish one day I could tell each of them in person how much they mean to me, that they are appreciated and loved. I truly hope they know how many lives they’ve changed. YES I WAS CRYING ESPECIALLY DURING “2! 3!”, ALL OF US WERE A HOT MESS FROM THE RANGE OF EMOTIONS.YA GET HIT WITH “CYPHER PT. 4″ THEN YOU’RE A MESS WITH THEIR HEART WRENCHING SOLOS THEN YOU’RE ALL HYPE AGAIN WITH “FIRE”. ALL SEVEN OF THEM CAME FOR MY LIFE I WASN’T READY. *NOTE TO SELF* BTS WILL NOT SPARE YOUR SOUL/OVARIES/TESTES. COME PREPARED TO BE SHOOK AND YOUR EDGES SNATCHED BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN. Basically, later that night we were all sitting in the hotel room contemplating life like…

I just need to take a second and appreciate the stunning rainbow ocean that was done for all the U.S tour stops…It was breathtaking being a part of this crowd and seeing it in person. Thank you to all the lovely people who organized it. I’m so happy it turned out so well and the boys seemed to love it too!

We tried to ease the post concert depression by spending a lovely day in NYC. Mostly eating cause all the food is bomb as hell. EXCEPT THAT RAMEN PLACE WE WENT TO IN NJ, THAT SHIT WAS NASTY. I LOVE RAMEN AND THAT WAS A DISGRACE. IT WAS LIKE EATING PLASTIC IN BOILED WATER LIKE HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?? Also, everyone needs to go to a Korean karaoke bar at least once in their life because it’s SO much fun, I haven’t laughed so hard in months, Go with friends, you will have a blast I promise, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU CAN’T SING. We all sounded like goats being tortured because our throats were destroyed from screaming at the concert. So just let loose and sound like your favorite animal, it’s all good. 

Idk if I’m just pure trash, lacking excitement in my life or get too ecstatic over the little things. But this 5 day adventure is one for the books, I’ll remember it for a long time because it was something I was truly looking forward to and counted down the days until it was finally here, I tried to savor the moments as long as I could but the time slipped through my fingers. We met numerous amounts of awesome people between the hotel, concert venue, NYC, and even the airport. K-Pop literally brings people together and that’s incredible to me. 

Would I do it all over again? HELL YES.

I LOVE AND MISS EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF BTS BUT HOSEOK BABY I LOVE YOU WAIT FOR ME, I’LL BE BACK FOR YOU MY PRECIOUS SUNSHINE. YOU ARE MY HOPE. YOU ARE MY ANGEL❤

Hoseok has the most enormous stage presence I have ever seen. He OWNS the damn stage. It’s like he doesn’t run out of energy like ever??? I only fell in love with him even more. I also need 10 gallons of holy water please.

Precious Yooogi performing “First Love”. He puts so much emotions into his performances, you can’t help but be in awe. 

I cried so hard when Namjoon was performing “Reflection”, we love you.

I WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN KOOK TOOK THE FLAG AND WORE IT, I CRY. HE’S SO DAMN CUTE.

I AM PROUD TO SAY I WAS BLESSED BY HOSEOK’S WATER SHOWER.

I wanted to blow a kiss to Jin so bad :(((

Tae is even more beautiful in person, I wish I saw him this close though. Or maybe not because I probably would have collapsed. 

I’m still in shock from Jimin’s beauty and presence, he was born to be on stage and perform. Pure talent, precious Chim Chim.

Till’ next time ~ Ash

[candidateofloyalty]

2019 Fic Retrospective

I saw a number of people doing this, and since I’m always up for talking about my own writing, I decided to imitate them. Admittedly, I’m a bit late, but since I didn’t have computer access for a decent part of this week I think it’s justified.

Apparently I wrote 55k words of fic this year? Given that I spent half the year out of the country, that is higher than I expected. I guess suddenly allowing a podcast to become my entire personality is a powerful motivator.

1/31

The Clock Strikes Midnight, Fire Emblem Echoes, 3.5k words

The prince is throwing a ball to find a spouse, and Faye just knows that this is her chance to make her dreams come true. There's no time for her to worry about the messenger who brought her the news, not when she can finally live out her fairytale.

My birthday gift for star, this time only posted one day after their birthday. Someday I will figure out this timing thing. They wanted a Cinderella AU, and as someone who read approximately 5 million fractured fairytale novels in high school, I had an immediate idea of where I wanted to take the plot. I’m pretty pleased with how this one came out, especially since I never actually played Echoes. It’s also one of my rare fics where the title isn’t a song lyric.

2/14

Sacred Simplicity, Dangan Ronpa, 900 words

Sakura and Aoi meet up for their weekly donut date, but Sakura's mind is elsewhere.

I can’t believe it took a fic exchange to get me to write Sakuraoi. The request was cute and I had a good time, though. I’m always a fan of the concept of Hope’s Peak practical exams. The whole premise of the franchise is that these kids have crazy skills, so let them use them.

3/3

My Fantasies from Long Ago, Persona 4, 5.2k words

While walking home from work, Yosuke is hit on the head by a mysterious cat-dog-thing. This is the least weird thing that happens to him over the course of the next 24 hours.

Apparently I had a lot of outside sources of inspiration this year. I guess that’s what all fanfic is, but even so. This AU is from kawaii-bunny-mel, and is ridiculously fun to write. This one sticks pretty close to the source material, since I intended it as an introduction to the AU. I wrote most of it on trains while cross-referencing the original episode. As it turns out, writing is much faster when you don’t have to worry about pacing or coming up with original events.

5/4

The Present You's Daydreams, Persona 4, 7.2k words

Yosuke's been doing magical girl temp work for about a month, and it's pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to him, even if it does mean having a weird bear roommate. Then Souji invites him to a party, and Yosuke has to face something even scarier than magical enemies: social interaction.

The second part of the BAPC AU, and the one where I went off and did my own thing. As much as I love the source material, I wanted to fit the rest of the IT in somewhere, and there are like 6 characters in the entirety of BAPC. Really, though, a significant amount of this fic was an excuse to have Yosuke use his customer-service voice on a dragon. I’d also meant for this to be the one where they got together, or at least showed mutual interest, and then Yosuke went and made things awkward. I don’t know what I expected. I got to write Hamuko being cryptic at Souji, though, which was even better.

5/19

Dazzling Blue Sky on the Window, Persona 3, 3.9k words

After Erebus, Metis is prepared to vanish, but Igor suggests another option.

This one was my birthday present to myself. You might wonder what that means when all of my fic is incredibly self-indulgent to begin with, and the answer is merging two universes and saving my favorite minor character in the process. It was only after the fact that I realized how much projection was involved. It’s fine.

6/16

Bright-Eyed, Tireless One, The Adventure Zone, 2.2k words

Minerva is here, physically present, and Duck's so glad to see her. The only question is what to do with her. They've got enough people hidden in the Amnesty Lodge basement as it is. (Immediately post Episode 28)

I caught up to Amnesty right after episode 28 was released, which is what we in the writing business call good timing. I immediately wrote this in a haze of love for Minerva and have not thought about it since. I think episode 30 confirms it as canon, though.

7/8

Not So Nec-Romantic, Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun, 1.7k words

Nene's been studying to join the Healers' Guild for years, and it's finally time for her admissions test. It doesn't quite go as planned.

Star egged me on to write this and then wrote their own, funnier take on an RPG AU, which would have been rude if it weren’t for the fact that I got to read the better fic without having to write it. My favorite part of this fic is Mitsuba and Kou charging in from their epic fantasy quest without noticing that they’ve landing in the middle of a comedy of errors. I kind of want to write what they were actually up to but also it’s funnier this way.

8/25

Open Seas and Ways Of Life I've Forgotten, Friends at the Table, 3.5k words

Cass is adjusting just fine to life on their own, thank you.

They'd be doing even better if their new teammate wasn't so eerily reminiscent of their sibling, but that's all right. They're definitely coping.

And here we hit the fatt tipping point of my year. The Kingdom Game was probably the point where I fully devoted myself to this show, and a large part of that was the ability to conspiracy-board all of Sokrates’ influences on Cass’ personality. I have not stopped thinking about the Pelagios siblings since.

9/29

Not the Only Ones Pretending, Friends at the Table, 1.2k words

It sounds so nice, in theory. Mako's just running into an old friend while going out for fried chicken. But even though the Chime has broken up, two of them in the same place can still throw the simplest of missions into chaos.

I wrote this in an hour after listening to the penultimate episode of Counter/weight because the Orth-Mako scene ended right where things got good, to my mind. I just wanted to know more about how the Chime interacted after the timeskip. This also marks the start of me defaulting to Mako’s POV in every other Counter/weight fic I write.

10/14

A Magic That Won't Go Cold, Friends at the Table, 4.5k words

Jacqui doesn't normally like being sent on bodyguard jobs, but then, she's not normally working for Joypark darling Aria Joie.

I’ll just come up with a fun Jacria AU to think about in my spare time, I thought to myself. There’s a lot to explore with an Aria who never left Joypark. I can come up with some neat bullet points and it will be a good time. Then I started connecting the bullet points and at that point I had an entire outline for a fic. It’s what they deserve.

10/18

Questions Ricochet Like Broken Satellites, Friends at the Table, 2k words

Kobus' entire life had been pointless, but for once, they could see exactly what they needed to do. Then Vicuna pulled them out of Liberty and Grace.

I could not tell you why I latched onto Kobus so hard, but that didn’t stop me from doubling the size of their ao3 tag in a month. This fic ended up pretty depressing, which is ironic since the whole point was to give them a happier ending than they got in canon, but at least they’re alive at the end of it.

11/4

Detect My Sudden Existence on Your Sonar, Friends at the Table, 3.1k words

AuDy didn't intend for the rest of the Chime to move in with them. They didn't object when it happened, though.

I had a lot of trouble trying to write from AuDy’s perspective but I’m pleased with the end result. Maybe next I’ll figure out how to do pacing and/or tonal consistency. I do like the Cass stuff at the end but I think my favorite scene from this fic is everyone helping Aria unpack her stuff and being goofy.

11/11

Telling Dreams from One Another, Friends at the Table, 1.3k words

Mako shows up on Kobus' doorstep holding a Divine, and doesn't even have the decency to bring fried chicken.

This started because I kept thinking about how Kobus’ form of Ambition would have been Faith and how close that comes to Loyalty, and then the more I wrote the more I liked the dynamic between Kobus and the younger Makos. A lot of it can be summed up as Mako being the mid-twenties upperclassman who looks at the freshman and goes “oh look, a baby” much to the freshman’s annoyance, except instead of being in college they’re both secret agents raised as weapons since they can remember. It isn’t addressed in the fic but I imagine this ends with Kobus following Mako back to Kesh and ending up with eight identical older siblings.

11/24

Find Out What Broke Me Soon Enough, Friends at the Table, 1.9k words

Kobus is still reeling from their failed attack on Grace, but when Aria Joie asks for their help, they can't think of a good reason to refuse.

Continuing the theme of “what if Kobus had friends,” I like the idea of Aria being worried about Righteousness consuming her and going to the one person she knows of who’s successfully stepped away from a Divine. Like the last fic in the series, I tried very hard to give Kobus a happy ending and they categorically refused. As it turns out, when you’ve been raised to see yourself as a sacrifice for the greater good, it’s hard to find other ways to make a difference, and Aria doesn’t know them well enough to push it. One day I will find the right combination of characters and circumstances to let Kobus rest.

12/7

Take Our Time 'Cause It Feels Like We're Dying, Friends at the Table, 1.7k words

When Cass coughed up the first flower petal, all they could do was stare at it in disbelief.

Yes, I know, hanahaki. I am surprised at myself too. I was just thinking about what it would take to get me invested in hanahaki and because of who I am as a person my brain immediately applied that to Counter/weight. I know where I’m going with it but I want to finish F&M before continuing, so keep an eye out maybe in February. Also, doing this retrospective made me realize that this is the second time I’ve used a line from this song as a title for a Counter/weight fic. Whoops.

12/17

The Movements of My Mind, Friends at the Table, 1k words

On his way back to Auniq for the negotiations, Throndir stops by the cave where he met Kindrali.

My first non Counter/weight fatt fic, and once again it is introspection about a Dre character, because without realizing it I ended up with a favorite player. I just like coming up with in-universe explanations for things that were probably mistakes on their part, and I’m always interested in how the Kindrali connection works. Even if I am now incapable of thinking of Kindrali without going “I wonder what day he remembers??”

12/25

Fantasy and Microchips, Friends at the Table, 9.2k words

Five times Mako hacks things accidentally because of Cass, and one time it's intentional.

The year ended as it began, with me taking someone else’s AU and writing a fic about it. In this case, it’s a comic done by drowzydruzy on twitter. I looked at it, went “that’s pretty funny, maybe I could write a fic about it,” and then two chapters in I realized how to exploit it for angst and pretty much didn’t stop. The trickiest part so far has been making Rigor references without getting too heavy-handed. I’m halfway through writing the last chapter now, so naturally I’m procrastinating by doing this meme. It’s actually a meta-narrative about defeating Rigor by not being too beholden to your own projects, or something.

[alterautomata-blog]

Recovery - Chapter 1: Inverse Graves (Destiny Fanfic)

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12621372/chapters/28756220

Trigger Warning: This fic tackles topics such as depression and suicide. If any of this offends you, please avoid it. If you are experiencing any of the above and ignore my warning, please talk to me. My DMs are always open.

“Up here,” Ashe whispered. The Awoken Hunter curled her fingers around the handle of her handcannon, finding herself in a slow stride up the hill. Pellanor-17, another Guardian of similar class followed closely behind her, hugging his cloak to keep it leveled to his person. It was fairly windy on Venus.

In the old Ketch, battered and aged by the taint of battle, they needed to keep their voices down. The possibility of scavengers was absurdly evident, especially for an untouched Fallen ship. There was bound to be something worth scooping up and bringing to Amanda Holiday.

But that wasn’t why the two were back on the Ishtar Sink after all this time.

“How much farther?” Pellanor stopped a moment to garner his breath, occasionally swinging his arm behind him to stop his cloak from flying over his face. He grunted, annoyed that he wasn’t back at the Tower relaxing.

“Oh I’m sorry—do you have plans? Didn’t mean to cut in on your date with that microwave.” She didn’t bother waiting. Ashe continued to climb the hill without him.

“Just don’t like being strung along on these long adventures is all.” Pellanor continued upward. To climb at a quicker pace to catch up with the other Hunter. He made a note to remember that microwave comment as well. “Be considerate of your favorite Exo, will you?”

Ashe scoffed. “My favorite Exo’s back at Tower, probably being yelled at by Zavala on the contrary.”

With a face of sheer disbelief and bewilderment under his helmet, Pellanor stopped in his tracks once again, having cursed himself for opening his mouth. “...Cayde?” He had never sounded so betrayed in his resurrected life. “What the hell does he have that I don’t?”

“A sense of humor.” The Awoken chuckled, having slipped up on some stray debris lying on the ground. As she hit the ground, a bag slipped from behind her cloak and made an audible tink, and began to roll down the hill of the tilted upright Ketch, before Pellanor scooped it up.

“Hey clumsy, you dropped your…” He scrutinized the shape of the bag, the long cylinder shape it made in his hand. He could also hear liquid swish around inside. “...Your bottle. Why do you have this?”

Initially, Ashe had told the other Hunter that there was something of worth in this old Ketch. She knew he’d come if she made any implication that he would be getting something out of coming with her. That’s how typical most Hunters were, especially Gunslingers. Obviously the promise of loot wasn’t true. The Exo could see, by Ashe’s hesitant movements now, that all this was one of her tricks. Did she just plan to drink herself into a stupor inside of a Fallen Ketch? That wasn’t his idea of a good time.

Ashe hadn’t turned to him, only remained still. No words. Nothing.

“Were you just playing around? What the hell was all this about?”

Wordlessly, her hands met with the hem of her cloak’s hood, slipping it off. Then, she began fiddling around with the safety latches of her helmet, undoing them, garnering a somehow satisfying hissing sound before removing it. Ashe let out an audible sigh. Probably because she was cramped in her helmet for too long, or there was relief for her now that everything was on the table. She, in the right mind, could tell Pellanor finally.

The woman of light blue, untouched skin, sleek and short dark blue hair, and piercing light blue eyes turned to her comrade. She was somewhat glad that he didn’t take off his helmet, because she didn’t necessarily look him in the eye. Rather, she was glad didn’t have to.

The Awoken woman’s lips quivered, and she sighed again before speaking. “You ever had the stupid idea to… go back to the place you died? I mean, where you first died—before you were revived as a Guardian?”

Pellanor said nothing. Instead he made a small waving gesture with his hand to keep her talking.

She fidgeted, and absently slid her hood over her head again and began fiddling with the hem.

“To be completely honest, it’s been eating me up inside,” she said. “Told myself, after the Red War... after Ghaul—if we live through it, I’ll come back to Venus and reminisce.”

“Not happily, I assume.”

“What other option do I have? This is… it's the only thing from my old life I have to remember. Everything else is either a recap in the form of a dream, or is just written on paper. And I can’t trust that. I won’t .”

An uncharacteristic silence settled upon the two. Ashe clenched onto her hood as tightly as possible as the Exo stood there patiently. She tried to distract herself with anything in the ship but Pellanor. To refrain from focusing on the visor of that helmet. Never. Never that visor.

There was a low hum from Pellanor, then a nod. “Then let’s get there already.”

Those were the words Ashe was not expecting to hear so simply.

She could feel heat rise in her chest, along with the inability to breathe in short intervals. She felt so tense, yet almost relieved. Perhaps the Exo sympathized with her in some way. He would keep the past where it belonged, usually. But if it helped his friend to gain closure; then so be it.

“Just don’t make this an annual thing, alright? You’re on your own next time,” he joked, giving Ashe a pat on the shoulder as he continued upwards.

Watching him go on ahead of her, she cracked a smile. “Thanks, Pell.”

He kept onwards, pretending he didn’t hear that. But Ashe knew he did. His hearing didn’t die out yet, she thought.

It didn’t take them long to reach the zenith of the Ketch. It was a wide open room, garnered with banners along each wall.

Blue. A white insignia that took the appearance of that a malformed tree, its crooked roots stretched outwards in each direction.

It didn’t take Pellanor long to realize, out of all the Fallen houses, who this Ketch belonged to.

The House of Winter. They were in Simiks-Fel.

Across the room rested the throne. Dressed with spears nestled behind it, along with its sheer size, dwarfing that of a typical humanoid, this was the throne of a Kell. Not just any Kell, though. The one who had mercilessly killed the Awoken in question so long ago. Enslaved her. Did unspeakable things to her.

“Here it is,” the Exo almost mumbled. He said nothing after that. Looking at Ashe, who appeared doleful and downtrodden, he knew something like this was probably hard for her.

Lazily, she slipped her hand under Pellanor’s, scooping the bottle from his grasp and trudged forward. There was a mix of unsureness and exhaustion in her pace the whole way towards the throne. After a silent climb, she plopped down onto the oversized cushions, the alcohol and her gun in hand.

“Its like looking at your own grave,” she mewled elegiacally, peering around. Her illuminated gaze stopped at Pellanor. “Wanna know how it happened?”

“You remember something like that?”

She shook her head. “Was a dream I had.”

“Right,” he said, issuing a bitter chuckle. “Well let’s hear it.”

Ashe settled into the throne and leisurely uncapped the bottle. She gestured to Pellanor, offering him a drink. He refused. It was all hers.

She began to guzzle down the bottle’s contents with a rough swig, wincing as her throat and stomach began to burn. Ashe didn’t drink that often, but for occasions like this, it was a given. When she tried to speak her speech began to slur.

“According to the records the Vestian Outpost so generously donated to me, I was one of Prince Uldren’s Crows—that dick—who happened to be captured. Instead of killing me right away, I had my legs broken so I wouldn’t run or call for help. Every other hour I’d be tortured—shot in non-vital areas, teased with a shock dagger—you name it. And in between those hours, I’d be patched up by one of our medics they also took prisoner.”

It seemed that for every second she would have to recall even a moment that led to her becoming a Guardian, she took a drink, reveling in the alcohol’s sting. Almost like she felt she deserved it. Mara Sov had a knack for casting out Awoken who had become Guardians, like they abandoned their post in death. Not that she would remember any of that to begin with.

“Draksis himself would… the bastard made it a knack to crush me beneath his heel if I showed any ounce of resisting him, breaking what bones remained in my body. I think this lasted for a month. And then, boom.”

Taking off his helmet, Pellanor found a seat somewhere along one of the platforms, watching the Awoken from afar. “ Boom ?”

“Boom.”

Ashe took her handcannon and shoved the barrel into her mouth, then mocked the sound of gunfire. Pellanor appeared visibly concerned with that.

“Shoved a shrapnel launcher in my face,” she said. ”Was during the Reef Wars I think, so Draksis wanted to make an example out of me to Mara. Show her what would happen if she continued to defy the Fallen. I was literally seconds away from death anyway. The medics I mentioned were long dead.”

“So what happened? Where did your Ghost find you?”

“Strung up outside. He told me my body was mangled and rotten. Almost had second thoughts about picking me up.” She chuckled somberly.

The bottle of alcohol, now empty, had rolled off the throne and bounced down the stairs before it, shattering into pieces once it finally reached the ground. Ashe’s movements were loose and haphazard. It didn’t take that much for the intoxication to wash over her.

The Awoken’s eyes glimmered. She peered closely at her handcannon, scrutinizing it. “Something tells me… what if… what if it happens again?”

Pellanor raised a metallic brow. “What are you on about?”

“What if I died here again? Would everything go back to normal? Would I be at the Reef again? Would I be chatting up Mara Sov and giving Uldrin shit? Would all this be just a cruel nightmare I’ll finally wake up from?”

She hiccuped. Her gaze became more forward on the barrel. She didn’t realize it, but it was under her chin.

“No Guardians, no Traveler, no Oryx, no Taken, or SIVA, or Red War. Best of all, no me to fuck everything up…”

Her Ghost appeared before her, watching the Guardian’s quivering hands, her finger inching towards the trigger.

“Ashe?” the little bot called out. “Your heart rate is rising. Are... are you feeling okay?”

It was a moment of stillness. The Ghost was suddenly staring down the barrel now, petrified. “G-Guardian?!”

“All it takes is just two pulls… one for you… and one for me.”

The hammer knocked back and her finger was primed on the trigger. With a slow pull, the cylinder began to turn.

“Ashe!?”

Gunfire echoed in the hull of the Ketch, continuing throughout the rest of the vacant ship.

To his relief, the Ghost was completely unharmed. He couldn’t say the same for his Guardian however. A rose of crimson spread under her chest and dripped carelessly onto the throne. She was aghast. Breathless. Transfixed to see her friend being the one with the smoking gun instead.

She dropped her handcannon, trembling. A look of genuine betrayal found her visage. “Pell…?”

“I’m sorry about this, Ashe. Really I am. But I’m not sorry that I had to do it,” he said grimly. “I’ll pay you back when you sober up. Promise.”

A tear trickled down Ashe’s cheek as she keeled over, staring across the room at Pellanor. She began to sob silently as her body grew cold.

That was the drawback to dying as a Guardian. You’d come back as quickly as you died, but the sheer pain within the process of death remained.

“Asshole…” she muttered before passing away, her body going completely limp.

For these long moments, Pellanor found himself trembling, even after the fact. It wasn’t the thought of him killing his friend that got him—they’ve done that several times in Crucible—it was the idea that a Guardian was suicidal at all. Sure, there were some that would jump off the side of the Tower for kicks, then return good as new. But this was different. Completely different.

“Hold off on resurrection,” he told the Ghost. He probably had never been so relieved to hear that.

Pellanor approached the corpse of his friend and sighed before hefting her over his shoulder.

“We’ll get you the help you need…”

Author’s note: Thank you for reading. As one who is in love with the lore in Destiny, I had always wondered why it doesn’t seem as outwardly grimdark in game while it does in grimoire? 

With the events of the Red War, and the horrors our Guardians have faced in the past, there should most definitely be some kind of mental detriment to all that fighting. I didn’t believe, after losing their light, their home, and many of their own to the Red Legion, that the Guardians wouldn’t feel a thing in the aftermath. Not for a second.

[fadingfartconnoisseur]

AK Monthly Recap: June 2017

It feels like my first real summer in New York this year. Last year I spent a lot of time away — big trips to South Africa and Colombia, plus I left for the Fourth of July and Labor Day. But this year I’m determined to fully experience the city in the summer.

The verdict?

Summer in New York sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I still adore this city — but summer is not when it’s at its best. The scent of urine in the air is particularly pungent. Standing on a subway platform is like being in a furnace. Layers upon layers of grime and sweat build up on your face. And the only way to truly cool off is to go somewhere inside with air conditioning.

Still, I’d rather be here than anywhere else.

Destinations Visited

New York, New York

Reading, Boston, Cambridge, Somerville, and Chelsea, Massachusetts

Asheville, North Carolina

Favorite Destination

Asheville is one of my new favorite getaways in the United States!

Highlights

Getting named one of Forbes‘ Top 10 Travel Influencers. A huge honor, a big surprise, and easily the highlight of my month.

Asheville was a fabulous trip. I fell in love with the city, its food scene and the lovely people who call Asheville home. I won’t get too into it because I just wrote the whole post about it, but it was lovely. I’d really like to go back and experience more.

Celebrating my dad’s birthday and Father’s Day on a beer tour of Boston. My sister arranged for the three of us to do a tour with City Brew Tours, which took us to four breweries around the area. It was a lot of fun! If you’re into beer, I would definitely recommend checking them out. They’re in several cities.

We finished with dinner at Myers and Chang, a favorite Boston restaurant of my sister’s and one I shockingly had never been to. They serve fusion Chinese-Thai-Vietnamese-Taiwanese fare and definitely lived up to the hype.

Seeing Allison Janney on Broadway in Six Degrees of Separation. Unfortunately, the play recently closed, but it was SO good! Hilarious and weird in all the right ways. Allison Janney elevates every project she’s in, but she’s almost always in supporting roles, so it was so nice to see her as the lead.

Exploring some new parts of New York. I did a trip to Little Italy in the Bronx and I know I’m going to be making more trips for the outstanding bocconcini (bite-sized mozzarella) at Casa della Mozzarella! I also checked out Coney Island, but it was rainy and a bit depressing.

Lots of visits from British friends. Three sets of blogger and travel industry friends from the UK came to New York this month! I was happy to see them. Sometimes it feels like the European travel bloggers don’t come to the States at all, so I was thrilled to spend time with them here.

I chopped my hair off. Not too too much, but I did lose a good six inches! I also re-colored it. I’ve been wrestling with whether or not to return to my dark natural color — has the blonde run its course?

Getting my first Stitch Fix and Trunk Club boxes. I’ve been wanting to change up my fashion lately and I was curious about the online services that choose clothes for you, so I decided to try out Stitch Fix and Trunk Club.

They’re similar. Stitch Fix sends you five items; Trunk Club sends you ten. Both charge a styling fee ($20 at Stitch Fix, $25 at Trunk Club) which you can put toward your purchase. Also, Stitch Fix gives you a 25% discount if you buy all five items. Stitch Fix sends you styling ideas with the items; Trunk Club pairs you with a personal stylist you use each time.

Between the two services I definitely prefer Trunk Club. The clothes were much higher quality and fit me better. I like building a relationship with one stylist, and the clothes are all from Nordstrom, which I love. If I had a bigger budget, I would have bought more of the items (but I can’t justify spending $147 on a flannel, even if it looks awesome on me).

I did end up with two pieces I love — cool distressed skinny jeans with a fringed hem from Stitch Fix and a fabulous coral lace dress from Trunk Club. I’m definitely going to continue with Trunk Club.

Challenges

I got stuck in delay hell in Charlotte. There were storms in New York when I was due to fly back from Asheville, and my flight kept getting delayed and re-delayed every hour, then cancelled, then I got booked on the last seat on another flight home. I was supposed to be home by 4:00 PM; I didn’t get home until 1:30 AM.

It would have been so much better if the delay had been all at once, not an hour at a time!

Also, my phone has started to fall apart, but I really don’t want to get a new one when the new update is a few months away…it’s running on borrowed time.

There were also a few setbacks this month that I’d rather not go into. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a viewing of Dead Man On Campus.

Most Popular Post

On Influence, and Using It Wisely — We have an obligation to our followers to do as much good as we can.

Other Posts

14 Reasons Why I’m Smitten with Asheville, North Carolina — 4,000 words about my weekend in Asheville.

In Odessa, Romance and Grandeur — I seriously fell hard for the Ukrainian city of Odessa.

Six Ways to Travel More Sustainably — We could all stand to do better.

Bucharest is Fabulous and Fun — All the best things I enjoyed in this cool city.

Most Popular Instagram Photo

People love a good door. This shot from Cartagena did well. For more updates from my travels, follow me on Instagram at @adventurouskate. I am soooo close to hitting 100k…

Fitness Update

I had the most unlucky week at the gym this month. On Tuesday, I had to quit a fitness class halfway through for the first time ever. It was Tabata (a series of drills where you do 20 seconds of exercise followed by 10 seconds of rest) and though there isn’t much I can’t do for 20 seconds, it was so exhausting that I was seeing stars and felt like I was going to faint. Leaving the room and sitting down made me feel better, but I didn’t go back.

Also, fuck burpees. I hate them so much.

Then on Wednesday my Zumba instructor was a no-show (first time that’s ever happened), so I decided to attempt running on the treadmill instead, and though I was doing a modest two minutes of running at 6 mph followed by one minute of walking at 4 mph, I felt a twinge in my knee and had to stop. I couldn’t do stairs without pain (not fun in NYC).

Then on Friday I mixed up the times, again for the first time ever, and was late to Zumba. Oh well. At least I had my personal training session right after and I’m lifting more weight than I was last month!

What I Read This Month

We’re officially halfway through the year and I’m 36 books into the 52-book 2017 Popsugar Reading Challenge! I actually read eight books this month, four of them from Book of the Month (where you can get a new book for three months for $9.99 each — US only). Here we go.

Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk by Kathleen Rooney (2017) — This is my favorite novel of the year so far. Lillian Boxfish is based on the life of Margaret Fishback, America’s highest paid female copywriter of the 1930s. Lillian takes a walk through gritty Manhattan on New Year’s Eve 1984, meets characters along the way, and reminisces about her life. It was as much of a love letter to a transforming New York as it was a story of an incredible life. I absolutely loved the author’s use of language.

If you are an independent woman, a writer, or a New Yorker, you must read this book. If you like smart books and memorable characters, you’ll adore this book. As the book ended, I felt so sad — I wish I could go for a walk with Lillian in real life! Category: a book set around a holiday other than Christmas.

The Explorer and Other Stories by Jyrki Vainonen (2013) — Did you know that “Finnish weird” is a genre of literature? They don’t use literary agents in Finland, so they’re less commercially minded and thus publish a lot of strange literature. I love Finland, so I was eager to jump in!

These stories are weird. “The Explorer” is about a man who decided to journey into his wife’s thigh. That kind of stuff. I found this collection of Vainonen’s stories similar to Ottessa Moshfegh’s Homesick for Another World, but not as repulsive. At 92 pages, it’s a quick read. If you’re planning a trip to Finland, pick this book up! Category: a book from a genre/subgenre you’ve never heard of.

The Mothers by Brit Bennett (2016) — Three teenagers growing up in an evangelical black church in San Diego make a decision that haunts them for years after and throws them into turmoil. The book centers on motherhood — characters’ mothers, how they mother each other, and the book is narrated by a chorus of mothers in the congregation.

I loved this book — and at the same time, it made me so sad for each of the characters. I wanted to take care of all of them in the end. The book is also a study on how evangelical communities too often blame the woman when anything goes wrong in a family. Category: a book with a family-member term in the title.

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles (2016) — What a magnificent book. Lush, cinematic, and beautiful. Count Rostov, a 30-year-old aristocrat, is sentenced to house arrest for the rest of his life in the grand Metropol hotel in Moscow. Through this predicament he tries to find beauty and meaning however he can as Russia changes exponentially — and the results are deeply moving.

I want this book to become a movie SO badly! It sounds a lot like The Grand Budapest Hotel, but so many of the scenes are described so beautifully, and the dialogue is incredibly witty. I definitely had a crush on the Count at one point. This book will leave you with the biggest smile on your face. Category: a book set in a hotel.

Eugene Onegin by Alexander Pushkin (1825) — This was my book club’s pick of the month — a Russian novel written in verse! Eugene Onegin is a man sent from the city to the country following a relative’s death, and he has a number of adventures in life and love. The entire book is written in verse, and I was very impressed with the translation.

It’s funny, it’s light, it’s delightful, and it’s something different. It did help to go through Wikipedia after reading each chapter and seeing what I missed, though. Between this and A Gentleman in Moscow, I’ve awakened a new interest in Russian literature and culture. My friends and I want to celebrate this book in Russian style at our next meetup — so we might go to Brighton Beach in Brooklyn (a.k.a. Little Odessa) or just hit up a vodka bar with a walk-in freezer! Category: a book with a title that’s a character’s name.

A Million Junes by Emily Henry (2017) — This is the closest I get to a summer read — a bright and fun book best enjoyed if you let go a little bit. Two teenagers in a rural Michigan town are the surviving progeny of two feuding families — and they’re cursed. Of course, they fall in love and try to undo the curse with the help of several ghosts.

At first I was rolling my eyes and thought the teenagers were too witty for their own good, Gilmore Girls-style, but once I let go, I began to enjoy the book a lot more. The book isn’t just an adventure, it’s also about dealing with grief and how you move on and live your life while honoring those you’ve lost. To my surprise, it’s one of the highest rated Book of the Month selections this year. Category: a book with a month or day of the week in the title.

The Gift: Poems by Hafiz, the Great Sufi Master, translated by Daniel Ladinsky (1999) — I’ve been curious about Persian poetry for awhile, so when I found a shelf devoted to Persian poetry at Malaprop’s in Asheville, I decided to pick up this volume. And what a surprising treasure it was.

Hafiz’s poetry is about celebrating the love of God — a funny, compassionate, deeply loving and giving God. The kind of God who is on your side, your best friend, cheering for you and helping you. I actually found out later that this is one of Elizabeth Gilbert’s all-time favorite books; knowing her brand of spirituality, I’m not surprised at all! If you want more poetry in your life, I highly recommend picking up this book or any of Hafiz’s poetry. Category: a book by an author who uses a pseudonym.

Dirty River: A Queer Femme of Color Dreaming Her Way Home by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha (2016) — I was recently putting together a list of my all-time favorite memoirs and was shocked to realize that almost none were written by women of color. I read a lot of books by women of color, but they tend to be fiction, so I’m making an effort to add some more memoirs to my list. If you have any recommendations, I’d love to hear them; Roxane Gay’s Hunger is next.

Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha grew up in Worcester, Mass., and this book is about her emigration to Canada, her discovery and celebration of her queer, brown, working class identity; her difficulties with disability; her struggles through severe poverty; and her coming to terms with her sexual abuse. This book covers so many perspectives that aren’t featured in mainstream literature, and for that reason alone this book is worth a read. She tells her story frankly and apologetically, and the scenes are richly painted (especially the South Asian queer events in Toronto). Category: a book by or about a person with a disability.

What I Watched This Month

It was time for my annual House of Cards binge, and it was awesome. It wasn’t my favorite season (that’s a tie between Season 1 and Season 4), but House of Cards on an off season is still better than most shows on television.

Just one thing — without revealing any spoilers, they mentioned a possibility related to the election that would have been SO cool to see play out, so unusual and dramatic that I was certain they were going to do it — and then they didn’t do it. It felt like Chekhov’s gun to me, and they ultimately did nothing with it.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt was nice, if a bit off, this season. Of course, I loved the addition of Hamilton‘s Daveed Diggs to the cast! (And the “Boobs of California” song has yet to leave my head.)

Also — I saw Wonder Woman. SO good. It amazed me how remarkable and yet ordinary it felt to watch a feminist superhero movie with the male gaze removed.

Coming Up in July 2017

I’m heading back to the Keys! Florida Keys Tourism invited me to come back and try out some things I didn’t get to experience on my February trip. The Keys are one of my favorite new discoveries in the States lately; I’m glad I get to go back so soon. What am I most excited for? The Hemingway lookalike contest in Key West! I’ll be concentrating on Key Largo and Key West this time around.

And now I’m even more glad that I didn’t end up writing a post on where to find the best key lime pies in the Keys because I have time to do more research! Delicious, delicious research…

Other than that, I’m likely staying put in New York the rest of the month, but I’d love to get in some day trips around the region. There are boats that go direct to Jersey shore towns from Manhattan, and I’d love to get to City Island in the Bronx as well.

What are you up to this summer? Share away!

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