#still in bad mental health but i e had two cups of coffee and too many asks i need to get to >:D

[i-make-things-spheres]

turn @the-red-planet-mars @india-official @officially-capricorn

and @non-tyrannical-usa into spheres for funsies pls :3

Get sphered :3

[taeyohonic]

stolen dances | chap. 11

summary: sometimes supporting the person you love is the hardest challenge you’ll ever face.

pairing: jeon jungkook x fem!reader

rating: m

warning: swear words, therapy talk

additional tags: f2l, ceo!jungkook, bestfriend!jungkook, shrink!yoongi, my best friend’s wedding meets 27 dresses (if the boss/secretary couple had happened), angst-y

words: 2300

links: prev. |  next  [masterlist]

note: lower case letters intended

chapter summary: seokjin mid sneeze would ruin half of your wedding pictures.

“let’s do this picnic then,” jungkook breathes against your skin and you feel a headache coming – again. you don’t know what you expected, but for him to not even comment on the fact that yoongi is your therapist, is well�� kind of insulting.

“yeah, let’s do that,” you agree and let go of his ear. you go girl! tell him exactly how you feel.

“is there a reason i’m not allowed to carry anything?” he’s struggling with the basket as well your backpack and the two iced coffees you hadn’t noticed before. still, jungkook is not letting you help him in any way, his sunglasses are as high up his nose as his ego.

“nah,” he scoffs with humor, “you’ll just drop the coffee – can’t risk it.”

“that was one time,” you argue and push a single finger straight up his nostril. jungkook scrunches his nose adorably before he pushes you away.

“gross, ____”

the weather is nice and you can’t help the spring in your steps as the two of you join the many visitors. for a moment you’re afraid of them recognizing your former idol friend. but jungkook doesn’t seem to care – he is more focused on the melting ice in your drinks. and he knows his bodyguard is close by. but you haven’t noticed the bulky man following behind you.

“can we move closer to the tree line?” you ask him, not wanting to join the couples sunbathing. nah, your hangover is not smiling kindly upon your headache. shade and some non-alcoholic liquid should do the trick.

“of course” your best friend changes directions and guides you to the more secluded area. the air smells fresh and you take a moment to breath it in – not even thinking about helping jungkook set up the picnic. the green is vibrant around you and for a second you imagine how beautiful his wedding would have been if it was right here. right now. but no, they had to do an autumn event. you want to get married in spring, you think and feel a smile touching your lips.

“why are you looking like that?” your friend asks, already seated on the soft blanket, sipping on his iced coffee.

“i’d like a spring wedding,” you answer, not even filtering your thoughts – you shouldn’t have to in front of your friend. jungkook’s reaction is close to comedic gold: his eyes widen while he sucks a breath of caffeine in his lungs; coughing harshly.

you move on instinct, closing the distance and rubbing soothing circles on his back.

“wh- what the-e fu -…fuck?” he coughs and pushes against your touch to lean further on you.

“spring… it’d be so pretty, don’t you think?” you start after checking that he’s breathing normally again. “and just imagine the sea of flowers during this time. i really like the idea.”

you are met with silence. a long one. without looking at him, you grab your drink and take a sip.

then, jungkook answers. “your skin would look lovely against cherry blossoms.”

now you’re the one speechless – who even says stuff like that?

“don’t be condescending, kook,” you respond, willing your cheeks to discolor asap. your best friend just chuckles.

“i’m telling the truth, ____,” jungkook protests as he grabs your hand and holds it up against the treetops. “look, your skin glows.” his fingers push against your palm and you’re just… not stable enough for this. with a silent shudder you escape his touch.

“don’t say stuff like that to me, jungkook,” you voice rather harsh and you avoid his questioning gaze. you miss his touch as much as you hated it in the first place. jungkook doesn’t answer for a moment, but when he does, there is a forced joke on his lips.

“jin-hyung would be sneezing 24/7 with his allergies.” true, the oldest always looks in so much pain when you all move around during pollen season. you chuckle and try to get your thoughts away from a very unattractive mid-sneeze seokjin and more focused on the cupcakes peeking out of jungkook’s basket.

“can’t have my man of honor sabotaging all the wedding pictures,” you snort and grab one of the baked goods – it’s an apple crumble muffin, making your mouth water instantly.

“hah” your best friend laughs at you while some crumbles fall into your lap. “if taehyung isn’t your man of honor, he’ll prank bomb the hell out of your wedding.”

“what about you?” you ask and face him fully, the half-eaten muffin in your palm an unspoken invitation as jungkook snatches it from you. he takes a bite and you think he regrets taking off his sunglasses. his eyes look at you hesitantly.

“i’m not sure you’d like to have me as your man of honor,” he confesses and you watch him with surprise. is he the same person who wanted you to become his best man a few days ago?

“why would you think that?”

“you know,” jungkook starts and moves an inch away from you – his palms are pressed into the blanket. “the last few weeks i felt like… maybe there are some… moments where this” – jungkook’s head moves between the two of you – “wasn’t as honest as it’s used to be.”

you are kind of disappointed in yourself. there you are – going to therapy twice a week, working on a healthy, objective relationship with your crush. and now it’s him, not you, who is the brave one.

“but it’s not bad, right?” you voice, insecurity making your tone more timid than you’d like. even if jungkook doesn’t love you, he still cherishes you, right? your best friend looks at you like there is a whole ass shinigami on your shoulder.

“____, our friendship could never be bad. never.” then there is a silence. “but, like… do you feel secure with me? with this?”

his eyes shine with questions you are not ready to answer. but jungkook’s stare is there and it’s now and maybe it’s right on time.

“my mental health hasn’t been so good lately,” you start hesitantly. “i’m trying to reevaluate my relationships… see… where to make… improvements or… or where to set boundaries.”

honesty without being explicit. yoongi would roll his eyes.

the man in front of you nods, no judgement in his face. then he speaks:

“i’ve been in therapy since bangtan retired,” jungkook offers, which makes you suck in a harsh breath – for years he’s been seeing someone without you – his best friend – knowing?

“i had this whole identity – people idolizing me – milking me for… money, fame… opportunity. and then i just – just stopped being a singer. stopped my vlives. stopped my posts. many left – was i nothing without my band?” he asks softly tracing the lines on the blanket underneath you. there are tears in your eyes at his pain.

“talking about it, reshaping myself, rediscovering me – was … so tiering.” he chuckles without humor and you can’t help but agree: every therapy session is like a sixty-minute cardio routine.

“it was actually my therapist who recommended me doing these dance workshops in schools. i wouldn’t have met you if i didn’t listen to her,” jungkook reveals and you smile softly at the memory of a flustered jungkook surrounded by all your students, excited to meet a former idol.

“so, i hope you know that i’m very proud of you for seeing yoongi.” his voice sound strained, not entirely honest. “and i hope you realize that this“ his hand moves between the two of you “is a good thing.”

your heart beats faster while your skin shudders from a phantom cold. it’s confusing and exciting at the same time. jungkook looks as vulnerable as a porcelain doll in front of you. you feel close to tears watching your best friend.

“i hope so too, kook,” you admit and smile. he doesn’t mirror you because there is a part of him disappointed you are hoping instead of knowing. it’s a big part.

“you are a good thing to me, ____,” jungkook offers instead. “and that’s verified by my therapist.”

now a chuckle escapes him and you can’t help your own laughter joining in.

“but you have so many good things – i’m still searching for mine.” there is a wistful undertone in your voice and you are not ashamed of it.

“apart from you and the boys and my company… there is little that brings me joy,” jungkook confesses, making you freeze with his exclusion.

“what about your fiancée?” you ask and can’t look into his deep eyes.

“you know how it is with her,” he answers in a monotone voice. you want to scream at him, that you in fact do not know how it is, that you have only seen her a handful of times. heck, you’ve even met seokjin’s housekeeper more often than jungkook’s fiancée. your best friend has done the most to separate you two. you can count every mention of her on your fingers and you’d still have some left. it’s unfair he looks at you like you’re it when he’s got a woman at home wearing his engagement ring with pride.

there is so much frustration mounting in your stomach, it makes you mad.

“maybe i don’t know enough,” you say, the heat missing in your words. you sound more resigned and seeing how distant jungkook looks at you, there is little hope he’ll explain more… or anything.

“sir” jungkook’s bodyguard scares you, not having heard the mountain of muscles coming up to the two of you. “excuse the interruption” he is not interrupting anything. ���a few girls have spotted you. your location is compromised.”

jungkook looks relieved and nods at his security. there is a silly part of you who’s glad as well, but another one would have loved to press your best friend for… anything.

“let’s pack up, ____” jungkook is on his feet in seconds and even though he mentioned the both of you, there is an unspoken order as his bodyguard starts to collect the food while the ceo takes your empty coffee cups. you shouldn’t lift a finger – still, it’s you who gets up and folds the now unoccupied blanket. the silence is not uncomfortable, but there is an underlying tension making you vibrate not only from the caffeine.

you’re out of the park in under ten minutes. during the ride back you steal one of the untouched muffins. jungkook acts like he doesn’t notice. the next morning a few pictures of your outing make it onto page six of the local newspaper. taehyung is astonished because he wasn’t invited. seokjin makes an unflattering meme out of one snap where you are drinking coffee. and jimin is silent, as are you and jungkook.

**

most of the times when you are waiting for yoongi to open his door and invite you into the now familiar office, you feel anxious. it’s normal, you know that. most people don’t like working through their problems. like jungkook said, it’s tiering. still, you are always 12 % excited to see your therapist because he is cool. talking to him means something to you. today however you feel impatient.

your picnic with jungkook is fresh in your mind. you’ve even taken the time to write some of your dialog down, so you’d be more objective during the retelling. yoongi will know how to work through this; you’ve got confidence in him.

“_____?” your therapist looks at you from the threshold of his door. he looks professional in his teal button down, wearing his glasses. but at the same time his face is paler than usual, fatigue clouding his eyes. you try to grin at him while closing the distance.

“hey, yoongi! how have you been?” you ask, making your voice extra soft not to irritate him. there is a forced smile on his lips – the one he always has when you start to rant about your oats. it makes you halt in front of him.

“everything okay?”

yoongi just nods before stepping back into his office and motioning you to follow him. still unsure about his mood, you just want to feel the familiar leather of his couch underneath you. he’d explain soon, you think. yeah, and then you could talk about jungkook. again.

but the couch is not empty. hell, your seat – the one you’ve had for months – is occupied. a man is grinning at you so brightly you want to close your eyes. and move him from your seat. in that order.

“huh?” you go, _____. very eloquent.

“hoseok, this is ______. ______, this is hoseok,” yoongi introduces you formally and you can’t help it but to bow curtly at the male in your seat. the man – hoseok – gets up from his – your – spot and moves closer to yoongi and you.

“______, i’m so, so happy to finally meet you!” this person is too happy. it’s like he tries to be the extrovert energy in the room that’s missing between you and yoongi. hoseok looks like the sun and you don’t like it. what is he doing here? and what does he mean by finally? confused, you stare at yoongi. why does he look so ashamed while tilting his glasses further up his nose?

“what is he doing here?” you ask a bit too blunt, but you know yoongi doesn’t care.

“he’s a colleague of mine. one of the best”, your shrink says slowly. so what, they had a meeting? lunch date? and he’s leaving now? just an overlap of meetings?

hoseok seems to take pity on his old friend when he addresses you next.

“i’ll be taking over your case from now, ______.”

_____

sorry that i’ve been away for so long. life has been bad. too much stress to handle. then i read a lot of fanfic to destress and it made me just more insecure about my own writing. still, i tried my best with this chapter and i hope you enjoyed it! please let me know what you think! i’d love to hear from you! fair warning: next chapter is gonna be the downhill to the angst-y part of this fic. just to clarify: i don’t like what yoongi and jungkook are doing here. just to be clear. but i do think they are both trying. somewhat. love, dana p.s. someone recommended this fic @ ficswithlove and it was very touching and i loved that a lot... thanks again to this kind soul!

taglist: @livewittykid  @thequeen-kat @kagami-s-void @goldenclosethobi @youwannabelostandnotbefound @jinsalpaca @bishuthot @laabellaavitaa21 @baekstans @jalexad​​ @jinsearthh​ @kseokwu​  @betysotelo18​ @daydreambrliever​

[squiggledrop]

Lies - Spencer Reid x Reader

Masterlist

Summary: Reader and Spencer are dating, but when Reader sees him with someone else, she becomes extremely self- conscious and ignores him. Spencer tries to figure out what he did wrong.

Word Count: 2.7k

Pairings: Spencer Reid x Reader

Category: Angst, Fluff

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, panic attacks, being self-conscious

Notes: literally just me writing down all my insecurities so

Salty tears hit the cold tiles of the hotel bathroom floor. With your back against the tub and your head in your hands, you let yourself succumb to the voices in your head. You thought you had been doing better, sure some days were worse than others, but you felt like you were making progress. But now, after having your heart obliterated by the man you love so deeply, all of your insecurities darted throughout your brain, pounding at the sides of your head. 

You felt like such an idiot. Of course he would find someone else. How could you have let yourself believe he really loved you when there were so many women out there who were better looking and more fun to be around. Why would anyone want to be with someone who was as self-conscious and shy as you? Spencer deserved someone who wouldn’t shy away from taking pictures with him because you hated the way you looked or cancel plans dinner plans because the thought of anyone but him seeing you made you nauseous. That’s why it didn’t surprise you when you saw the way he flirted with that police officer today. 

You were reading through some case files with Spencer when he noticed your coffee cup was empty. He had gotten up to get you a refill, which you smiled and thanked him for. You watched as his tall, lean body walked over to the coffee machine. He brushed his dark curls out of his face as he waited for the mug to fill. You knew you should be working to find the unsub, but you couldn’t pull your eyes away from the man in the purple cardigan. You softly chuckled to yourself as you scanned down to his dirty converse, where his mismatched socks peeked through the bottom of his mahogany pants. You bit back a smile as you took in the sight of your adorable boyfriend. You were so lucky to have him. He knew about your mental health struggles and always supported you, which you were thankful for. But, that still didn’t relieve any of the guilt you had at making him put up with you. That’s why, when you saw him laughing the way he always laughs with you, due to something that extremely beautiful cop just said to him as she placed her hand on his arm, your world shattered.

You know Spencer did nothing wrong and that he was just being his quirky, lovable self, but, seeing how she made him smile caused you to think how much better off he would be with someone like her. She probably didn’t have panic attacks at night that made his tired eyes sulk into his head even more. She would probably love to wear a beautiful dress out to dinner so he could show her off. She could probably make him so much happier than you ever could. Your mind swarmed with voices telling you how you weren’t enough and that Spencer probably resented you. You tried to focus on the papers in front of you and reassure yourself that you were being irrational and that it was all your head, but it was no use. Your anxiety consumed you, drowning you in all of your insecurities. You tried to gasp for air, but all you could do was sit idly by as you watched the man of your dreams flirt with a beautiful woman through the tears that swelled in your eyes.

When Spencer returned with your coffee he set it down and placed a kiss to the top of your head. You wanted nothing more than to hug him and feel his reassuring body consume you, but you didn’t want him to see your tears, so you remained silent with your head down.

“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked, concern lacing his voice. You bit your lip and couldn’t think of anything to say. “(Y/n), talk to me. What’s up?” He reached out to touch your arm in hopes of getting you to answer him, but you flinched at the contact. “I’m-I’m sorry”, he stammered, terrified he had done something wrong.

“I-I have to go help JJ”, you said softly, as you bolted out of the room, making sure he couldn’t see your tear-stained cheeks.

“(Y/n)...”, he called after you, standing up. You couldn’t bring yourself to put all of your problems on him, just to make him feel bad for doing nothing wrong, so you kept your head down as you walked out of the precinct. Spencer followed you, calling out your name, but you got into the black SUV and sped away before he could even make it to the door.

You avoided Spencer for the rest of the day. You hated yourself for ever letting your mind convince you Spencer would cheat on you, and you hated yourself even more for how guilty you were making him feel by not talking to him about how guilty you felt for thinking it. Spencer tried to talk to you, but you kept brushing him off, his devastated face making you hate yourself even more. You didn’t deserve him. He deserved someone who made him feel as amazing as you knew he was. He didn’t deserve to be treated like this, but you didn’t know what to do. You would hurt him if you talked to him about it, but you were hurting him by saying nothing too.

“Hey, is (y/n) okay?” Derek asked Spencer as they were on their way to the most recent dumpsite.

“I don’t know. She was fine one second and then all of a sudden completely shut me out. She won’t even look at me… I don’t know what I did. I just, I need to make sure she’s okay.” Derek gave him a sympathetic smile as he placed a reassuring hand on Spencer’s shoulder.

“I’m sure she’ll come around. I know she struggles with some stuff, but, you are the only person I’ve seen make her smile as big as she does when she’s with you”, Spencer gave a thankful nod in return. “And in any case, I always find flowers and some chocolate are always a good idea when a woman is giving you the silent treatment”, Spencer rolled his eyes as Derek chuckled.

When you all regrouped at the station later that night, Hotch had told everyone to head back to the hotel so you could start fresh the next morning. As everyone was leaving, Spencer chased after you, reaching for your hand, but you pulled it away. In defeat, he let you go and the two of you rode in separate cars back to the hotel for the first time since you joined the team three years ago. On the way there, Spencer replayed every moment from the day in his head over and over, trying to figure out what happened to make you so upset. He hated seeing you hurt like this, and all he wanted to do was take away your pain.

Once at the hotel, everyone went their separate ways to get some much-needed rest. You walked about ten paces ahead of Spencer, not daring to let him see you. When you made it to the room, you tried to use the key card, but the door wouldn’t open. Ugh! I can’t even work a stupid door! you mentally yelled at yourself. Seeing your struggle caused Spencer’s face to fall and his heart to clench.

“Here, you just have to-”, he said softly as he took the card and opened the door. Without acknowledging him, you pushed through into the room. Spencer slowly closed the door, before turning around to face you. You had your back to him, sitting on the edge of the far bed, opening your bag to get ready for bed. “(Y/n), please talk to me”, he begged. After not receiving any form of a response, you heard him walk towards you and, without thinking, you snapped.

“Just leave me alone!”, you said, definitely loud enough for the entire floor to hear.

“(Y/n)...”, he chocked out, tears running down his face.

“Just go! I don’t want to talk to you.” Your enraged voice hid the sadness you felt, and your heart sunk even lower as you heard Spencer huff as he closed the door behind him. You finally let the tears fall that you had been holding back the entire car ride. You walked into the bathroom, not wanting him to see you like this in case he came back. That’s when you realized it: if he came back. Your stupid self had pushed Spence away for no reason and now he was gone. You cursed yourself for hurting the man who had done nothing but love you and care for you. At least now you knew the voices were right. You didn’t deserve Spencer. At least now he could find someone whose beauty complemented his. Someone who was confident, smart, and made him feel loved. You sank down on to the cold tiles and wished that you could have been enough for him because he deserved the world.

You didn’t notice when the hotel door opened, because all you could hear were your loud sobs and the voices telling you how much happier Spencer must be now that you weren’t there to bother him. You only noticed he was standing in front of you when you heard his gasp at the sight of you on the floor. You looked up to see him standing there, tears streaming down his face matching yours, with a box of your favorite chocolates and the most beautiful bouquet of flowers you had ever seen in his hands. A pit formed in your stomach and you began to cry even harder. You were so undeserving of this man. After you had ignored him for the whole day and yelled at him to leave, he decided to go out and buy you gifts, and all you could do was cry. He came and sat next to you, causing you to shift away from him, not wanting to meet his gaze. 

“Look, I know you don’t want to talk to me, and that’s okay. But, please, just listen to me”, after not receiving any form of response from you, he continued, “(Y/n), I have been replaying everything that happened today, trying to figure out what I did. I’m so sorry for whatever it was that hurt you this bad. I want you to know I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I love you so much. You mean the world to me.” He paused for a moment to quickly wipe a tear off his cheek. “I got you these because Derek said it always worked for him. I just- I want you to tell me what’s wrong so I can apologize and try to fix it.” You closed your eyes, his words making you feel even worse about yourself. After all the pain you put him through today, he was the one apologizing to you. You didn’t understand how someone so perfect could say they love someone who was anything but.

“Spencer…”, he looked up at you with his big, sad eyes, “I’m so sorry”, you choked out. “I don’t deserve you. I’m so sorry”, you cried.

“Hey, no no no. Don’t say that”, he said as he brought you into his arms, grateful that you finally let him touch you. “I love you so much, and you deserve everything and more, okay?”

“No, I don’t! I’m a terrible girlfriend, and I hurt you and made you cry. I ignored you and you repaid me by bringing me gifts.” You pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes. “Why are you even with me when you deserve so much better?”

“How could you even say that”, he looked genuinely hurt.

“Because! I’m stupid and annoying and I’m no fun to be around, and you are so great and you should be with someone who is pretty and likes to go out and have fun and doesn’t get anxious, or-”, at that, Spencer knew what was really going on.

“(Y/n), why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this. You know I would have been there for you. I know it’s hard, but you can’t listen to the voices telling you lies okay? They are wrong, they are so so wrong.” He cupped your face and ran his thumb across your cheek, “I know you don’t always see it, but you are the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. You are the only person who will listen to my rambles and you are my favorite person to spend time with. You are my entire world, (y/n). You are more than enough.”

“But that’s not true!” “Yes. It is.”

“What about that police officer today. The really beautiful tall one? She made you laugh and your eyes lit up the same way they do when you are with me.” 

“(Y/n)-” Spencer was about to interject but you continued over him.

“And I know you would never cheat on me or do anything to purposefully hurt me. And you did absolutely nothing wrong and I’m so sorry for hurting you when you did nothing to deserve it. It’s just, whenever I see you with another girl, I think about is how easily she could take you away for me. All I’m saying is that I would understand if you did leave me for someone prettier and more fun, like her, because you deserve someone who makes you happy and not someone like me who makes your life harder.” You were both silent for a moment before Spencer took your hands in his.

“Please look at me”, you did as he asked and painfully met his gaze, “I don’t want anyone but you. You are a ray of sunshine in my life. You make me the happiest I have ever been, even when I know you struggle to see yourself how I see you. You are never a burden to me, okay? I want you to always tell me what’s going on in your head because your problems are my problems, and nothing would make me happier than helping you and supporting you through them. I don’t care that sometimes we change our plans and just stay in because my favorite place in the world is snuggling with you on the couch. I don’t care that sometimes you wear my sweatpants and t-shirts because you don’t like how your clothes look on you because I think you look adorable and I feel so lucky to have a girlfriend as beautiful as you. I don’t care that we don’t always take a picture every time we go out on a date because I have an eidetic memory and don’t need a physical picture to get to see all of our memories together whenever I want. And I don’t care that sometimes you get anxious and your mind convinces you that you aren’t good enough because I know how amazing you are and I’ll always be there to help you through it and remind you of much I love you.” By now you were sobbing again, but this time they were happy tears. Spencer pulled you into his chest, as you breathed in his warm scent that instantly comforted you. 

“I love you”, you mumbled into his shirt.

“I love you. So much”, he said, placing a kiss to your cheek.

“And Spence?” You asked, lifting your head up, placing your hands in his hair.

“Yeah?”, he said, looking up at you with lust-filled eyes as he rested his hands on your hips.

“Thank you for loving me”, you smiled, your heart so full you thought it would burst.

“Thank you for letting me love you”, he brought you in for a gentle, yet passionate kiss and you melted into him. Although you knew you would always have rough days like today, as long as you had Spencer there to hod your hand, you knew you would be okay.

[lifeinahole27]

CS ff: “Walking the Tightrope” (Chapter 4/10) (au)

Summary: Killian’s daily routines are a matter of habit. When he wakes up late one morning, his routines all change for the better. Emma doesn’t care about routines, but she does care about Killian, no matter how reluctant she is to admit it to herself.

Rating: E (much later in the story)

Content Warnings: Maybe some strong language. 

A Special Thank You: My continued gratitude to my lovely friends, @captainstudmuffin and @phiralovesloki. And a heap of love to @captainswanbigbang for putting this together and helping me accomplish this.

A/N: Without going into too much detail, I’m moving to a twice-a-week posting schedule. Mental health and mental illness are truly fickle things. This is the only way I can control mine right now. If I’d had my way, I would’ve posted the rest of the story in one go and taken a few months away from all social media. This was the proposed solution. Thank you for all the support and love over the last five years. It’s been my favorite adventure, so far. 

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | 

Find it on Ao3 & FFN!

-x-

Chapter 4: Middle of the Road

October 25: Friday 

Friday is another night out at the Rabbit Hole, and for once Killian is there before her instead of the other way around. He’s in the middle of some animated story about lobsters, much to the amusement of those in attendance judging by their rapt expressions. There are two seats open at the table. One is the safe option, across from Killian and next to David. Or the other option is to sit at the head of this cacophony of tables and next to Killian directly. 

His gaze flicks over to her, as if he senses her thoughts, and as the story wraps up to the raucous laughter of their whole group, he puts on a satisfied little smile and lifts his hand in greeting. 

It looks as though he’s gotten the approval of both Snow and David, so that’s a mark in the right column. 

When her drink is set down in front of her, she wanders over, making a split second decision to sit at the head of the table. 

“Seems like I missed the best part of the evening,” she says as she settles in beside him.

“Long story short, the lobsters won the battle,” Killian tells her, smiling and sipping from the bottle in front of him. “How was your day at work, Swan?”

“David hit a new record in computer freeze-ups, so it was a little long.”

“It’s not my fault the computers are still running Windows 95,” David argues, his scowl not directed at Emma but at the ancient technology they’re currently running in the station. 

“And it’s not my fault you just decided this year that you wanted to start digitizing the last fifty years of records we have,” Emma retorts, losing the battle with herself and sticking her tongue out at David when he does the same to her. “Also, I would definitely argue that it is your fault that our equipment is so damn old.”

“Have you spoken to Regina about upgrade budgets?” This comes from the other end of the table, where Robin is seated, and almost every head swivels to look at him. “Ah, that’s right. You’re all terrified of my fiance. How silly of me to forget.” The blase tone has no offense to it; Robin is simply used to the stunned silence he gets at the obvious suggestion of asking Mayor Mills for budget increases in certain departments. It’s no big deal to him, the guy dating her, because one day he walked into her office to talk to her about a playground rebuild and suddenly they were seen everywhere.

Of course, back then, everywhere they were seen included heavy amounts of arguing. Then, suddenly, one day they were everywhere and making out. So that was an interesting development for a sleepy little town. 

“You know, I forgot that since she started dating you she’s been much easier to talk to,” Emma mentions. “Maybe I’ll schedule an appointment with her and ask about getting some upgrades in the station.”

“It’s best that you do this one on your own. She’s still mad at me for dragging a pack of dogs through those daffodils she had in front of Town Hall,” David admits.

“Only a little, mate,” Robin adds, winking when David looks at him. 

“Isn’t it rather handy to have the expat club around, love?” Killian nudges her with his elbow when he says it, grinning wide when she makes eye contact.

“It’s not so bad, I guess,” she responds with her own smile back. 

After a couple hours, the length of the day starts to weigh on her and she can feel her eyes drooping shut even with the group still in full swing. 

“Okay, I’m calling it a night,” she announces to their side of the table. 

“I’ll walk with you, Swan, if you’ll allow me. I’m at the end of my night, as well.”

It’s on the tip of her tongue to dismiss him, but Snow catches her eye and gives her one of her meaningful looks. She gives one of her own back, indicating that yeah, fine, okay she gets the message.

“Okay. Let’s go,” she says lamely, instead of whatever objection had been waiting.

Outside, they both take a moment to adjust to the quiet and the wind, with Emma pulling out her beanie and pulling it on snugly.

“I need to remember my own,” Killian says, indicating the hat on her head. “You’d think I would be better suited for cold weather given the track record of my home country.”

“After I moved back it was a struggle to get used to the temperatures again,” Emma admits.

“Moved back?”

“From Florida. I spent three years down there,” she says, leaving out all the rest of the story on purpose. But the answer seems to suit Killian just fine. 

“I never officially lived anywhere else until I moved here,” he tells her as they walk down the street. “Visited a lot of places in the Navy, but official, permanent addresses were all in the same town.”

“The Navy, huh?”

“Aye. One day you’ll get to hear all about my sordid but charming history,” he says, a teasing note to the words. 

It’s so easy, walking the short distance with him. She almost tells him she can take the rest alone when they hit their corner but she resists, instead leading him again along the path to her building. He stops when she does, still standing a respectable distance away. 

“Thanks for walking with me,” she says quietly. In truth, she wants to ask him up for a cup of coffee or something, but she can’t remember the last time she’s had a man in her home and now doesn’t feel like a good time to try when it’s getting late and she wasn’t lying about how tired she is.

“Always a pleasure. Goodnight.”

She responds in kind, itching like she did that first time he walked her home to reach out, to have some form of physical signature to end the evening. 

He’s just turning away when she moves again, grabbing his arm and going for a quick kiss on his cheek but he turns and the peck ends landing right on the corner of his mouth. Rather than sink into the comforting embrace of awkwardness, she stands her ground against the urge to run.

“Thank you again,” he tells him.

“For what?”

“Everything. Walking me home. Understanding. Not pushing me. I’m trying to get on the same level, and I wanted you to know that.” 

“All at your own pace, Swan. Goodnight,” he says again, his smile tinged with peace.

She makes sure to give him one last wave and smile when she gets to the door, liking the way this night ended much more than the last time he walked her home. 

-x- October 30: Wednesday

While Storybrooke is a small town, it doesn’t mean Mayor Mills has an abundance of time. As such, Emma can’t get an appointment until Wednesday. It’s something to break up the monotony of the day, however, so she doesn’t mind. Right before lunch time, she heads to the stately office building and waits her turn behind various townspeople requests.

It’s such a simple meeting, with professional courtesies and barely any spare chatting or gossip. Regina’s never really been the type, even before she got together with Robin. While he’s certainly made her more approachable, the meeting is still over about ten minutes after it begins, and Emma comes away from it with more than she anticipated.

Armed with her upgrades budget and a wishlist a mile long, Emma heads outside and starts walking back to the station. Across the street is NeverEndings and she slows down a bit, weighing the decision to go in. Ultimately, the idea of surprising Killian and maybe asking him if he wants to grab lunch with her is what sends her crossing, pulling open the heavy wooden door and rushing into the reception area. 

The last couple days have been really nice with him. They walk together in the mornings, and sometimes she loops her arm through his while they cross the street. She has snuck him two kisses outside of the library so that Granny doesn’t see it when he leaves her at the front of the diner. 

And today, she didn’t even have to stop at the diner. Instead, Killian was waiting at their corner with a second mug of coffee. The least she can do is give him his afternoon caffeine fix. 

It turns out the office building is a little more active during the day compared to when she brought him his dinner. She stands there in shock for a moment, remembering that there are people that work here that aren’t Killian, or Will, or Robin, and trying to decide if this really was a good idea. 

She’s just about to turn around and head out again when the secretary, a woman named Anna, calls out to her. 

“It’s nice to see you, Emma! It’s been too long! Is there anything I can help you with today?”

“Um, I’m actually here to see Killian? Killian Jones?”

“He’s in his office. Do you need me to take you back?”

“No, thanks. I know the way. Thanks Anna.”

It looks like Anna is about to launch into something else to say - the woman has a penchant for talking far too much but is one of the nicest people she’s ever met - but Emma moves quickly beyond the desk and back towards the office she knows. 

She weaves her way through the halls again, finding Killian’s door wide open this time. He’s not alone, however, and she startles when she sees a young teenager sitting in the chair across from Killian’s desk. Like he can sense she’s there, the man in question glances away from his computer screen and makes eye contact with her. 

“Ah, Swan! Good afternoon. Henry, just give me one moment,” he tells the young man in the chair, starting to rise from his own. 

“Sorry, I didn’t -” 

The boy turns then, curious brown eyes landing on her, so familiar that it steals all the breath in her lungs momentarily. Even his hair looks the same color as Neal’s. 

“I didn’t know you were busy. Never mind,” she says quickly, turning from the door and all but running back out through the front doors before Killian even has a chance to finish standing up.

“Emma?” 

His voice follows her down the hallway, but she doesn’t slow down, doesn’t even stop to consider what this may look like to him. The only thing she’s concerned with is getting away from the memories she wishes she could forget. 

Her feet take her to Granny’s - something about this place is the heart of Storybrooke and so everyone always ends up here one way or another - but it’s mostly a trip for comfort rather than necessity this time.

In that regard, the proprietress must sense her needs, because she’s handing over a bear claw fresh from the fryer while Emma waits for her usual lunch to cook. Directly after, a mug of hot cocoa is placed in front of her, cinnamon already sprinkled over the whipped cream. 

“How much do I owe you?”

“Same as always,” Granny says without slowing down in her movements behind the counter. “Dessert’s on me. The hot chocolate is from that one over there.”

Emma glances to where she’s pointing, expecting to see David or Ruby or anyone besides Will settling into a booth along the windows. He raises his own mug and turns back to his conversation with Belle, but she has a feeling that’s not the end of the moment just yet. 

She’s halfway through pushing her lunch around her plate when Will wanders over and props against the counter where she’s seated. 

“Did she put the rum in it like I asked?” he asks, pointing to the mug in her hands. Suddenly, she wonders if there was a different tang to the usual comfort today but Will’s smile is one she recognizes. “Only joking, lass. I know you’re on the clock. But surely you could’ve used it with the way you looked when you ran from the office.”

“You saw that?” She wants to cringe, to run away and hide again, but Will isn’t judging her so it’s not the end of the world. 

“Sped right past me as I was on my way back to Killian’s office. You know him and I go way back?”

“I thought you just met when he moved here.”

“Hardly. Met right before he joined the Navy through some literary club thing he was in. He was interning at the London branch when this position opened up and I told Robin to hire him and stop having all those brains wasted on fetching coffee and being a gopher.”

“Leaving England for a junior editor position had to be a big decision. Why would he come all this way for a spot he probably would’ve gotten if he stuck it out over there?”

“That’s all his story to tell you. But there is something I’ll tell you about Killian,” Will starts, and Emma won’t lie and say her heart doesn’t stutter at the words. She’s expecting the worst, as always, but she nods at him to continue.

“He hasn’t been in a relationship for a long time. Had his heart broken clean in two. If I’m not mistaken, that’s something the two of you have in common,” he says gently. There’s something about the way he says it. This is a level of friendship they’ve never crossed, preferring witty banter and faked hatred to show their friendly affection for each other instead.

“I’m guessing he doesn’t know you’re telling me this?” Emma asks.

“No. Probably tell me to mind me own bloody business. But it’s funny. About a month and a half ago he started smiling the way he did, before life got to him.” He gives her a look at that, before Belle is back by his side. Her fingers link with his like she doesn’t even know she’s doing it, and the sight makes something in Emma’s stomach clench with want. 

They turn to leave her, but Emma calls back to Will before he gets too far.

“Thanks. I’ll try not to be too mean to you from now on,” she says.

“Bollocks! That’s half the fun of it!” he exclaims, grinning ear to ear and turning around as Emma laughs. 

She doesn’t particularly want to return to the station but knows she should go back to work. The rest of her day is spent intently focusing on the files she’s copying. When David leaves for the day, she tells him to go on ahead. If he’s worried, he knows better than to push for information right now, which works just fine for her. She’ll talk when she’s ready.

When the last file of her stack is completed, she finally shuts everything down, looking up to find Mulan kicked back at her desk and reading a book. 

“Never thought you’d give up,” the other woman mutters without looking away. “Go home. David delivered food to your apartment over an hour ago.”

“I’m going. But not because you told me to,” Emma points out. She stands, bending and twisting and stretching until all the pops and cracks from her back have helped ease some of the pain she feels. 

With more amiable separating words from both of them, Emma finally leaves Mulan to take over the next shift, knowing that Phillip will probably be in after his aptly named son, Phillip, is put to bed for the evening. Her walk home is trudging, at best. Even knowing that David dropped off food for her isn’t helping pick up her feet any. 

The shock of seeing a kid look that much like Neal is enough to sour a whole day, if not the whole rest of the week. 

It’s not just that Neal left her, and that he left in the middle of the night while she slept, but that he did it because he thought Emma was pregnant. There was no indication that she even was. She had a stomach bug, three days of her head in the toilet which was preceded by her mentioning she had a craving for Granny’s grilled cheese sandwiches and a chocolate milkshake from back home.

Not even bothering to do the math or ask about her cycle, he just assumed that the cravings and the vomiting meant she was pregnant. They’d had sex once. For roughly thirty seconds until he complained that she was too tight and he pulled out. And he’d been wearing a condom. 

The anger of it starts fueling her into moving again, and she almost rushes right past Granny’s when she hears the calling of her name. 

“Evening, Swan!” Killian greets her from where he’s kicked back in one of the chairs on the patio, even though it’s far too cold to be sitting out here like that.

She waves, something jerky and unsure, and keeps moving along. She had no intentions of waltzing into his office and then fleeing like it was the scene of a crime this morning, and it’s mostly embarrassment that has her feet moving quicker. 

“Come on, Swan. Don’t make a man drink alone.”

“Not in the mood for a drink. Or a man,” she says, half-zoned out and just wanting to get home to try to process the rest of her emotions. 

“Emma, sweetheart?” he asks, hurt evident in his voice, and when she doesn’t slow down he gets up from the chair he was in and moves after her. “Wait a moment, Swan. What’s happened? What did I do between this morning and when you stopped by my office?” 

The fact that he thinks it’s his fault is what has her slowing minimally and letting him catch her around the forearm with his prosthetic hook. He uses that momentum to coax her to turn around, and the look on his face is finally what makes her cave. He doesn’t deserve the brunt of her fuckery. He’s been so patient through everything else, and while any other man in her life would’ve probably run at her first change of heart, this one has stood nearby with no pressure, no conditions asked. She fights through that heavy feeling in her chest, past the lump in her throat, so she can maybe even try to explain what happened. 

“It’s not you. I just… was reminded of my past and why I’m not good at this kind of thing.

“You’ve got to trust that I have no ill intentions here.”

“You think this is because I don’t trust you?”

“Isn’t it?”

“Of course I trust you. But it doesn’t change the fact that everyone I’ve ever been with has left me behind.” It’s probably the first time Emma has ever admitted any of this out loud, and suddenly what she thought was just a slight case of emotions feels a lot more like a boulder sitting in her stomach. For the tiniest moment, she’s afraid she’ll start crying. Her voice is almost garbled when she speaks again, fighting past the emotions welling up. “Neal, Graham… even Walsh. They left me in one way or another.” He doesn’t know them yet, doesn’t know what they did, but letting their names out into the open takes away some of their power.

Moving just a bit closer, Killian holds eye contact with her, probably just as much for him as for her. “Well, love. You don’t have to worry about me. I may leave this area on occasions, but I’ve no intention of leaving you unless you tell me to.”

It could just be an empty promise, but coming from Killian it sounds like a genuine one. She nods, just a fraction of her chin tilting down, to show him she understands. He moves forward the rest of the way, his intent clear without being overpowering. And then he’s kissing her, his arm coming snugly around her waist. 

It’s different from their first kiss and the small affectionate gestures they’ve shared recently. There’s something more than intention behind it and without the spontaneous factor involved, it’s calmer if not less intense. It doesn’t occur to her to be ashamed that they are standing in the middle of the street because how can she care about anything else when Killian is doing his best to remind her what human connection feels like with each subsequent press of his lips? 

This is enough for now, the start of a new routine for them. She always just assumed he was some nerdy dude with an office job, but really, Killian is like twenty things all wrapped into one and she’s discovering she’s eager to uncover each layer of him one at a time. 

With that thought, her final hang-ups fall away and she surrenders instead to the warm lips attached to the man that has changed her mind about dating. She thinks to tell him that, but then he’s shifting, his hand sliding into her hair as his left arm pulls her closer and then she’s all but crawling into his jacket. He’s warm, chasing away the chill she’s felt not just because of the temperatures but because of the hole she let herself sink into earlier. Chest to chest, she can feel the sound that rumbles through him when she wraps her arms around his waist. 

There’s a part of her that wants to know, desperately, why she was resisting this - resisting him, but she knows there’s still miles to go before all the dark spots fall away from her memories. This is a good start, though. It’s just them, figuring things out and also making out like they’re a couple of teenagers.

“There are better places to do that than the middle of the road.” It’s Granny’s voice that springs them apart. 

“Seriously?!” Emma says, looking over Killian’s shoulder at the older woman. 

Granny just gives her one of her patented looks and goes back inside, leaving them alone again.

“Would it be all right if I walked you home?”

“Sure. I’d like that,” Emma answers, taking his hand as they start heading that way. “Are you dressing up for Halloween tomorrow?”

“Aye. Quite the get-up I’ve got, too.”

“Oh yeah?”

He hums his agreement, but not saying anything more about it. “How about you, love? What have you cooked up for a costume?”

“I don’t normally dress up,” Emma admits. “But I think I can pull something together easily enough.” Even as she says it, she’s thinking of the parts of a suit she has at home. Surely she can pull that off with a couple accessories, right? It’s too good of an idea not to try, and so even though she's sad to say goodnight to Killian after the moment they’ve just had, she’s also excited to get inside and go tearing through her closet.

She makes sure to thoroughly kiss him goodnight before she does, however.

-x-

Chapter 5

[iredreamer]

Thank you so much for your insights on Anne's life and the details of social norms back then! I really enjoyed reading your posts, and it's absolutely fascinating! I have seen some controversy around her relationship with Ann. Aside from the show of course, what is your perspective on their relationship?(I have read in a couple of places that Anne kind of just "settled" for Ann and her heart really lied with Mariana) So I was wondering, as someone who read about both the Ann(e)s what you think?

hey :) I’m finally answering you! Thank you so much, I’m happy you’re enjoying the history facts haha.

Okay, this turned out to be waaaay longer than I thought, so grab a cup of coffee (or tea I guess) and sit comfortably!

First of all, I think this is a difficult answer because I do feel like everyone could elaborate their own opinion on the matter, and at the end we would never know were the truth really lies. To have some kind of unbiased opinion one should read every single entry of Anne’s diary about Miss Walker and Mariana and compare how she acts with both of them and how she writes about them, and of course that can’t be done (at least for now) so…this is my opinion and it’s of course based on what I have read (my sources: Gentleman Jack: The Real Anne Lister; Presenting the past: Anne Lister of Halifax, 1791-1840; Nature’s Domain: Anne Lister and the Landscape of Desire and Female Fortune: Land, Gender and Authority: The Anne Lister Diaries and Other writings). We should also consider that these two women [Walker and M] were really different from each other and Anne meets them in two very different moments of her life, when she meets Mariana she’s in her 20s and when she meets Ann she’s 41, in twenty years a person changes, their priorities change and even the way of showing love and affection changes.

Okay, now, about the Mariana-Anne-Ann thing…I already wrote something about the matter and you can find it here, it summarizes a little what I think about Anne & Ann’s relationship and also has some facts about how things went between them and with Mariana.

I also posted some extracts from Anne’s 1832 diary in which she says more than once that she feels like she’s falling in love with Miss Walker and that: “I really am getting much more in love than I expected to be again”. So let’s debunk the myth that she didn’t give a flying fuck about Ann Walker.

Now, let’s dive in, I have many thoughts about all of this and I tried to organize them as best as I could but I probably failed, so this might be a bit of a rant and all over the place, I hope you enjoy reading it anyway! And, one more thing, most of this long rant focuses on the Ann(e)s relationship and what are (some of) the things and facts that make me think that they did love each other and that Anne Lister did care about Miss Walker. Here we go…

Anne Lister wanted a wife. She says it many many times. She’s always writing how she wants someone to spend her life with, and when she comes back to Shibden at 41 she wants to settle down. She’s tired of all those women who used her for sex, company and sometimes even money without seriously committing to her (and yes, Mariana is one of those women). I love when at the beginning of Nature’s Domain Liddington writes that Anne Lister could have adapted the opening of Pride and Prejudice: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in need of a good fortune must be in want of a wife”. So, she was in search of a wife…

In 19th century marriage was a “legal agreement”, you didn’t marry for love but for money, so, yes, that’s what Anne was looking for in a woman: money and status, but also the desire of a happy life together. When she meets Ann and decides to court her she writes many times how she likes her company and how she wants to make her happy and how happy that would make her in return: “I really think I can make her happy & myself too”. And: “She [Miss Walker] falls into my views of things admirably. I believe I shall succeed with her - if I do, I will really try to make her happy - & I shall be thankful to heaven for the mercy of bringing me home, having first saved me from Vere, rid me of M-, & set me at liberty.” I think the fact that she was looking for happiness and thought she could really achieve it with Miss Walker is often overlooked and it shouldn’t be, it’s an important fact.

One of the things that struck me while reading Anne’s diary is that, when things don’t go as she planned, she writes again and again how she doesn’t care about Miss Walker, how she doesn’t care how things will turn out in the end, how she doesn’t care if Ann decides to commit to her or not, but her actions and her behavior conflict with all that. It seems as if she’s trying to convince herself that she doesn’t care, to protect herself from going through another heartbreak. This is an example, Ann had to give Anne a final answer about their commitment, Anne writes:

November 2, 1832 / We fretted ourselves to sleep last night - she lay on me as usual to warm her stomach & then lay in my arms – but I was perfectly quiet & never touched her queer – the tears silently trickling from my cheeks down hers. Somehow I was shockingly attendri [softened] tho’ perpetually saying to myself ‘Well, I care not how she decides…’. On awaking found myself as tearful as ever (…) We wept (& kissed) – I thanked her & she left me. (…) Both of us attendries & the tears starting perpetually I said my mind was made up for the worst – she said ‘Well, but she had not given her answer yet’…. She would (& did) mend my gloves – begged me to promise to let her have a night-chemise for a pattern – but she saw I declined promising. She hoped she should do many more things for me – never knew till now how much she was attached to me. I made no reply… she hung upon me & cried & sobbed aloud at parting… ‘Well’, said I to myself as I walked off, ‘a pretty scene we have had, but surely I care not much & shall take my time of suspense very quietly & be easily reconciled either way’.

The most important fact (I think) that gives us some insight on how Anne felt about Miss Walker, is that Anne was the only one who genuinely cared about Ann’s health. Anne Walker’s mental health was really bad but Anne stayed close to Miss Walker and helped her for months, trying to make her feel better, trying to restore her health. At that time the engagement was off, so it’s not like she [Anne Lister] was acting like that because she hoped her kindness would convince Ann Walker to marry her, it’s not like she was doing it for the money, she was doing it because Ann needed her. In her diary she says how the situation is unbearable for her, but still, she doesn’t leave Ann’s side. Why do this? It was all off, she didn’t have any obligation to look after Ann. Why take such responsibility? Why stay in a situation that threatened her happiness and mood if she didn’t care?

Anne Lister writes, again, how she doesn’t care about Miss Walker but then ends up crying when the thought of her crosses her mind: “Seeing her always unhinges me…I was low and in tears at dinner and could not get her out of my head and why? For if I had her what could I do with her?” Come on…it’s hard for me to think that the sadness she felt was only because things didn’t go as she planned, it’s hard for me to think that she cries only for the money. Do we really have to think her that cold? I think Anne couldn’t stay away from her really: “This girl, without really having my esteem or affection, somehow or other unhinges me whenever I see her…“.

When they see each other again, after being away from each other for 10 months (during that time they kept a correspondence even if it wasn’t a direct one), they are very happy to reunite and they end up together again: “Much talk last night till 4 this morning and then not asleep for a long while. She [Miss Wlaker] repented having left me”. Anne Walker starts talking about wanting to commit again and at the end they marry each other. Was their journey an easy one? No. Was it an happy one? Not always. But I do believe they cared for each other.

And I just wanna say, in those 10 months they spent apart, Anne Lister never tried to find a serious partner, she was always flirting and shit because that’s who she was, but she always wrote how she didn’t want to go too far with anyone and she just kept thinking about Ann Walker, even if she didn’t want to think about her, even if it was all off. She worried when letters about Ann Walker stopped coming. I mean, come on…

So, fast forward to their marriage and what happened after it. Mariana tried to tempt Anne but with no luck. Anne went to visit her for Christmas and this is what happened, from Anne Lister’s diary:

December 23, 1834 / I led the conversation to A- [Ann Walker]; said I liked [her], was more than comfortable and whatever might be said, money had nothing to do with it. M- [Mariana] asked if it was true that she has three thousand a year - I said no, but our fortunes would be about equal and that we should have five thousand a year… I was thankful things were as they were, for I was determined to have [some]one and certainly could not have done better.

December 25, 1834 / M- [Mariana] came to me a little before eight and staid till nine in bed with me - rather in the pathetics - she cannot get over her love for me - but I behaved with perfect propriety

Anne comes back home to Ann Walker (they were already living together, Ann Walker moved in at Shibden Hall after their marriage, going against her family) I think they’re cute:

December 26, 1834 / A- [Anne Walker] jumped up & came to me in her dressing gown & clock, delighted to see me back again - had given up in despair. Had tea - the 1st thing we did was to laugh aloud at her droll figure & the bustle I had made - explained, sat talking - told her I myself was astonished how little I had thought of M-, either of going or returning - very glad to be back again - mentioned how I had offered her the use of Shibden in the event of Charles’s death. 

Reading her diary entries (from 1833 till 1836) it’s clear that she and Ann talked a lot, their sex life was great, Anne introduced Ann to her social circle, they had fun playing backgammon (fun fact: Ann Walker was really better at it than Anne Lister ahaha), and yeah, they were just like any other married couple. There were also bad things in their marriage: Anne Lister had to be the one introducing Ann Walker to new people, Anne Lister read all Ann Walker’s letters and always suggested how to answer, and more…

So, what’s the point of all this? I do think that Anne Lister cared and loved Ann Walker. For sure the relationship with Ann Walker was not the most romantic one she had, but it was the most serious one, they found each other. Both of them wanted a “traditional marriage” and by traditional marriage I mean a marriage in which the roles were very clear. Ann Walker wanted someone who could take care of the business estate, manage social relationships and basically “play the husband” and Anne Lister was more than happy to take on that role. They were polar opposites but they wanted the same things in life.

For sure their marriage wasn’t perfect, but Anne behaved as she did because she saw their union as a serious one, “she saw absolutely no reason why property should not be as important a consideration for Ann and herself as it would be in any heterosexual alliance.” [J. Liddington, Female Fortune] at the same time we shouldn’t forget that “she did often demonstrate a warm affection and care for Ann” [J. Liddington, Female Fortune].

About her relationship with Mariana, I haven’t read much of Anne’s entries about her, but from the little I’ve read and from various commentaries, I can say that she for sure loved her (and yes Mariana was her first real love and their relationship went on for something like 20 years). Mariana manipulated her and led her on for years. The two always talked about how when M’s husband died they would live together, but from 1830 Anne Lister kinda stops caring about it, she’s tired of the situation and hates to be second to anyone. Their relationship deteriorates with time. She even wrote about Mariana that their passion turned into friendship or something along those lines. If you wanna know more about Anne & Mariana’s relationship I really suggest watching this video of Helena Whitbread talking about it, it really sheds some light on their relationship, their dynamic and how badly Mariana hurt Anne.

What I believe: Anne’s love for Mariana was disinterested and wholeheartedly felt, there’s no doubt about that (I mean, she saw her when she was 19 and fell in love with her right in that moment), if Mariana hadn’t been the bitch she was, Ann Walker would have never came in the picture. But the truth is that Mariana was always ashamed of Anne, used her and kept her close, taking advantage of her love but never committing to her, always and only concerned about her status. So, in conclusion, I’m happy Anne found someone like Ann who was brave enough to be with her and make her as happy as she could, and I think that must have meant something in the end.

I hope this long thing I wrote gives you an idea of the dynamic between Anne and these two women. There’s for sure a lot more to say and to analyze and there are still many Anne Lister’s words that haven’t seen the light of day so, who knows what else is there to know about how she truly felt about these two.

And one more thing, I think we shouldn’t expect Anne Lister to be the romantic heroine we would like her to be, because she wasn’t. She was a flawed, not “very nice” woman who lived in the 19th century and tried to do all she could to be happy.

[laedraws]

I had to exercise myself with writing and I found a prompt generator. This is probably very bad but I tried

Warning: language

Your prompt: Eddie is the barista at a coffee shop and always screws up Richie’s name on purpose + Your prompt: Richie hates coffee, but goes to a coffee shop and drinks some just so they can see Eddie, who works there

Richie Tozier enters the coffee shop that’s across the street the way he always does.

It’s quiet, and it’s a nice change from all the noise he’s usually exposed to.

Eddie Kaspbrak walked through the same door hours ago, half an hour before the start of his shift. He’s not thrilled about his job, but it’s not the worst he could be doing, either.

It’s quiet, and it’s a nice change from all the noise his thoughts make inside his head.

Richie Tozier hesitates only a few seconds before taking his place in line, not needing to mentally rehearse his order.

Eddie Kaspbrak has had anxiety all of his life, he still checks every order twice, despite knowing each one by heart.

Richie Tozier hates coffee. Don’t get him wrong, he usually gladly throws himself onto everything that could possibly make him develop some sort of addiction; but the light adrenaline wave coffee provides just isn’t worth the shitty taste.

Eddie Kaspbrak has learnt from a very young age that sometimes you have to just pinch your nose and swallow whatever substance your body does (or doesn’t) need. He grew up weak, and medicines helped him, or so his mother said. Caffeine was just another help, a boost for when his useless body claimed sleep too early or too often. A necessity, really.

Richie Tozier hated caffeine, but ordered a cup of coffee anyway. He always did, because the only reason he even entered the coffee nearly every other day was to tell said order to the brown eyed boy working at the counter.

Eddie Kaspbrak saw him the moment he got in line. He ordered the same thing every day, and it was the only time of the day Eddie didn’t need to repeat the order in his head until he had handed the cup to the customer in line.

Richie smiled, Eddie smirked.

“Your name?”

Your name is Richie. I know this. I heard your friends call after you. I heard you saying it yourself while you were trying to sound professional on the phone. You failed, by the way.

“Richie”

Please remember it right this time. I spelled it clearly, for you. I’m only here because of you. Fuck. I don’t even care how much this shit’s overpriced if I get to hear you call me correctly for once. (I want to hear my name on your lips)

Eddie grabbed a sharpie and scribbled something onto the soft cardboard. It made a soothing sound and he dared to quickly look up to the other, curly black hair partly hiding the huge frame of his glasses. He looked so hopeful Eddie almost felt bad.

It’s a cute name really. R-I-C-H-I-E. Has a nice ring to it, too. It would be a shame if someone put a T in there.

He finished writing, turned the cup so that Richie couldn’t see it, and moved to make his coffee. Cupboards sounds tingled in the air. He was aware of Richie’s presence somewhere behind him, but it didn’t make him nervous. He wasn’t overthinking for once. It was their little game, or Eddie’s at least, if the other somehow hadn’t caught up yet.

“Here you go” he said as he finished pouring it, half smiling but carefully avoiding the other’s eyes.

Richie smiled back and took his coffee, then quickly stopped in his tracks.

Are you fucking kid-

“-ding me?”

Eddie turned around, eyebrow raised.

Him and his fucking trashmouth. While he mentally zeroed any possibility he may have had with the cute boy from the shop he could clearly hear the distinct voice of Stanley Uris himself, telling him to stop being so freaking loud all the time. Serves him well for never listening to Stan the Man.

“Is something wrong?”

If Eddie was having a mini panic attack the moment he heard Richie complain (which he was), he didn’t show it.

And then something incredible happened, something so rare it could be comparable to the passage of some comets in the sky. Richie Tozier was left speechless.

“I-“ he started, flushing through his pale skin. “I’m sorry” he finished. “I just…was wondering how you think it’s pronounced? Maybe RiTchy?” He added, a sincere smile softening the joke.

It took some seconds for Eddie to blink away his confusion and pick up that the other was in fact fucking with him.

“You pay for the coffee, not for accuracy”

What the actual fuck was that, Kaspbrak.

“Excuse me?” It was Richie’s turn to be confused now.

“We put names on the cups so they don’t get mixed up, it’s a practical tip which also happens to do wonders for health codes, ‘cause imagine picking someone else’s cup that’d be so anti-hygienic and have you ever heard of a staph infection-”

Richie had honestly lost himself trying to follow the other’s train of thoughts, the only thing he could think about was that all the rambling made the boy in front of him look strangely cute.

“…and basically my point is that in the end the name is not really relevant for the service, so-”

(cute, cute, cute)

“Well yeah okay I’m sorry, I got it, I was kind of a dick-” And then Richie snorted because of course, he had to add “A Dick, get it? Because my name’s Richard?”

The barista blinked, but otherwise had no response. If Stan had been there, he would have smacked Richie in the head, which, fair enough. He suddenly became painfully aware of the line growing behind him.

“Alright, for real now, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you, just… uh, you’ve been butchering my name for weeks now and I guess I overthought it a little? Thought that maybe you didn’t like me which, I guess you’d be right in doing after this..”

Eddie felt like the shittiest person on the planet because you see, Richie’s eyes looked like those of a kicked dog behind those stupid glasses.

So when the other reached for his money and paid, muttering a ‘keep the change’ under his breath, Eddie took a deep sigh and- where’s my inhaler when I need it?

“It’s Eddie!”

“Uh?” Richie turned around, the cup of coffee still warm in his hand, the steam fogging the base of his glasses.

“Eddie. It’s my name. In case you wanna butcher it back”

As Richie looked at him Eddie felt his cheeks go down two shades. And then a wide, heartfelt grin pictured himself on the black haired boy’s face and Eddie felt his chest relax as if he really took a huge spray out of his inhaler.

“Nice one” he decided, and then, as a grin formed on his face: “Mind if I call you Eds?”

Eddie shook his head. Yes, he did mind, but he guessed they were even now.

“No” he lied while moving to the next costumer: “I owe you one”

And with that Richie could have considered himself satisfied, really. Not only the cute boy- Eddie, he quickly reminded himself, would call him by his correct name from now on, but Richie knew his, too.

You could just have asked, he heard Stan’s voice echo in his mind.

But isn’t it enough to just sit into my Hawaiian shirt, lovestruck? He would have probably said back.

(Yes that is the variation of a meme I just quoted. No, Stan, I physically cannot talk ‘normal’)

And so he refused to walk through the door, lingering on the back of the counter, respectfully out of line: “That’s nice to know, Eds. How about Eddie Spaghetti?”

That’s where Eddie drew the line.

“I said I owed you one, don’t push it”, but he was smiling.

Richie noticed it, and that’s why he said: “Alright Spaghetti-head”

He forgot he was holding coffee, because the smug face he was picturing having fell apart as he took a sip of his drink and almost spit it all out. Luckily the other  was too busy to notice it.

Eddie handed the order to his current costumer, and forgot all about work policies and ‘professionalism’ as he absent-mindedly slipped in a conversation with the boy he had been purposely misnaming for weeks: “Beep-beep Richie”

“Did you just beeped me?” Richie added, faking indignation.

“Yeah, you’re annoying”. But there was no serious tone in his voice. Then, he quickly added: “Can I ask you something?”

Richie was glowing: “Yeah, sure”

“Why don’t you order something else if you dislike coffee?”

Richie’s heart did something funny in his chest as he realized he was panicking in his spot.

“Huh?”

“Yeah I can see you throwing it away as you walk out, you know. The poor plant outside has probably become addicted to caffeine by now. At first I thought it was me, that I had fucked up your order or something. That’s why I started to spell your name wrong, I was pissed because I thought you didn’t like the service or something. And I used to check every time, and I’m pretty sure that I had done alright”

Richie started to understand how Stan must feel while dealing with his shenanigans, because he suddenly had the urge to smack himself in the head, too.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry if you thought that! I swear it has nothing to do with you-

(It has everything to do with you, just not in the way you’d think)

“-I just like coming here, and it wouldn’t sit well with me if I didn’t support the place, somehow. Does it make sense?”

Eddie didn’t look too convinced but he wasn’t one to push people too much. He just nodded and bit his lip, going on another tour to the coffee machine.

“If that’s how it is then, I was thinking, how about I make you another one? Another order, I mean. One that you actually like. I promise I’ll spell your name right this time”

“That’d be cool, actually. Do you have anything with chocolate?”

Eddie smiles and gestures him to go back in line.

Richie patiently waits, and when Eddie hands him his new order he forgets about checking his name’s spelling. He smiles at Eddie and maybe stares a little too long before thanking him and finally walking out the place.

It’s only when he passes the poor plant he’d been accidentally feeding with caffeine that he remembers the previous conversation.

On the cup, truth to his word, Eddie wrote “Richie”, the clear handwriting striking on the white cardboard. Under it, there’s a row of numbers Richie takes some seconds too long to decipher.

When it finally hits him, it makes his body warm despite the weather and a sincere smile brightens his face.

Richie Tozier goes home and doesn’t hear the noises of the street over the memory of Eddie’s voice he’s playing in his head.

Eddie Kaspbrak finishes his shift hours later, takes out his umbrella and lets the sound of the rain silence his overthinking, as thoughts of Richie bloom at the edge of his mind.

[odysseyinink]

h o w t o s u r v i v e c o l l e g e

Sleep

Okay listen - I know what you’re thinking. College students don’t sleep, though! And guess what? That’s absolutely true. I’ve had two cups of coffee today already and it’s only noon, but you need to learn how to sleep enough. Your body has limits and you need to learn what those are. I have had multiple friends who have fainted from not sleeping enough and guess what? They don’t perform better on tests that way. Figure out how many hours of sleep you need to get to function well. For me it’s about 5-7 hours per night during the week and about 7-8 hours per night on weekends (and I don’t have Friday class so Thursday nights count as weekends for me). This is probably the limit for keeping yourself healthy enough to function and I subsist off of coffee. If you don’t sleep you are going to get sick and your papers are going to be incoherent and you are going to gain weight from over eating. So just put down that paper, get your 6 hours and start up again in the morning. For majors that are reading based (i.e. English, History, Philosophy, Classics, etc) it is so important to get enough sleep so that you can actually comprehend your readings!

Plan

Your planner does not have to be beautiful, covered with script handwriting and cute small artist stickers to be worth putting time into (more power to you if yours is though — that’s a whole mood). I used Hobinichi Cousin planner to plan my day—chores, homework, and meals—but I also use iCal and an app called Things. My freshman year I thought that just having a paper planner would be fine but it did NOT work out for me. I was always late/forgetting meetings and running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Once I downloaded Things (for my assignments) and inputted work, social events, and when I’m really busy sleep/meals into iCal, I started getting better grades. Take 2 hours to plan. Seriously even if you have 372 things to get done by tomorrow, if you plan and make a linear list of the things you need to get done they will get done better and faster.

Things is a paid app. $10 for phone, $50 for Mac. It’s a bit of an investment for both but I have used it every single day for the past 2 years.

Socialize

Just me here with your local reminder that socialize does not mean you have to party. Let me tell you something, I haven’t gone to a party this entire year (it’s second semester) and I feel completely content about it. I am not saying that going to parties is bad. A lot of people have a ton of fun doing that, but let me tell you something—your social life cannot subsist off of parties alone. Invite people to brunch, make friends with the people in your classes by literally just talking to them (!!!), go on coffee dates with your friends as much as you can, take midnight ice cream runs, 1 am fried chicken runs, 9 pm boba study breaks, invite people over to make cookies, go to the cinema. Deep conversations and long talks will sometimes distract you from your work and guess what? That’s okay. That’s an important part of college too. Don’t shut yourself up in your room all day studying every day of the week. You are going to burn out. You need your friends and they need you!

Work smarter and harder

I cannot say this enough—utilize your resources! Go to office hours. It will literally save you to have a relationship with your professor. Not only are you going to get letters of recommendation, extensions when you really need them, and helpful tips—you can have amazing conversation and insight about grad school, research, and jobs. Go to the library. Not only are there a million books for your research project all grouped in the same section, but there are librarians who can help you find more resources with less effort. Use your databases, but also your own school’s archives. There is a reason we save so many books and newspapers. Also libraries are the absolute best place to study. This year I have tended to go to the most social floor because it keeps me awake and it reminds me that I have other people around me working late as well. Use apps. I’m saying this right now—DOWNLOAD ZOTERO. It will save you. It is an app and a google chrome extension which saves your sources in a database and then generates perfect citations/footnotes for your papers. It is the best thing of my life. Use google drive and keep your documents in organized folders. Organized virtual work is AS important as physical work. Also put some time into your LinkedIn ASAP—the sooner you do it, the easier it will be to keep it up to date.

Take care of yourself

Just be smart about your time and your mental health. Both of those I struggle with every day, but take solace in the fact that other people are going through it too. College is an amazing opportunity and even when it feels completely overwhelming it is still an extremely privileged position to be in. Do why you can to make yourself better, be there for the people who need you, grind on your papers and projects and research. At the end of the day your projects/papers are only going to be as good as your individual capacity allows them to be. Sometimes sleeping an extra hour is as beneficial as an extra hour of studying. Figure out what you need by making mistakes and forgive yourself! We are all just trying to make our way though.

[chuffyfan87]

Growing Pains. Part 18a (NSFW)

Cowritten with @disastrousintention. Trigger warning for discussion of abuse.

-x-

Holly sighed as she approached the door. This was a bad idea. Peter had pestered and pestered though so she'd finally given in. Stepping up to the door she rang her parents doorbell.

It took a few minute but someone came to the door. There was the sound of keys rustling before the door opened.

"Hi dad!" Holly greeted with forced brightness.

“Hello Holly.” He smiled, “This is a surprise, come in?”

"Um, yeh, I tried to call..."

“Did you? Your mum never said.”

"No-one answered." Holly sighed.

“Oh.” He closed the door as she entered the house. “You’re looking really well. You’re growing up so quick!”

"Maybe coz I'm twenty two now dad." She muttered.

“I know but you’ll always be my baby. You know that, don’t you?” He placed his hand against her cheek and stroked it. “Would you like a drink? Your mum’s just nipped out. She won’t be too long.”

"Um, yeh, I'll have some coffee thanks. There's someone coming round in a bit that I'd like you to meet."

“Do you still take one sugar in your coffee?” He asked. “Oh?”

"Yes I do." She paused. "His name is Peter. Please be nice to him!"

“You have a boyfriend?” He smiled, “I will.” He wandered into the kitchen.

"Yes." She followed him through, glancing nervously at her watch.

“How’s work?”

"Its been good. Busy."

He took two mugs out of the cupboard. “I can imagine it can get busy sometimes.”

"How have you been?"

“I’ve been ok.” He smiled, making the coffee.

"And mum?"

“She’s been well.”

"That's good." Holly replied, sitting at the kitchen table.

“She misses you.”

"I miss her too."

He turned around and placed a mug down in front of Holly. “What time is Peter coming? What’s he like? What does he does?” He sat next to her.

"He'll be here at 2pm. He's a great guy. He's a chemical engineer." She smiled.

“A chemical engineer? Wow.”

"He says it's not as exciting as it sounds."

Her father smiled, “He treats you right, doesn’t he?”

"He does."

“Good. I’m glad he treats you right.” He sipped his tea and a comfortable silence descended over them.

Holly began to relax, maybe things would go well today...

“I’m home darling.” The door opened and her mother stepped into the hallway.

Holly waited til her mum entered the kitchen before greeting her brightly.

“Holly?” Her mum dropped her shopping bags and held her arms out to her daughter.

"Hi mum!" Holly smiled, giving her mum a big hug.

“This is such a lovely surprise!”

"She's invited her boyfriend to come meet us." Holly's dad remarked.

“A boyfriend?”

"His name is Peter. He'll be here soon."

Judith kissed her daughter’s forehead, “I look forward to meeting him.”

"Did you get anything nice at the shops mum?" Holly asked.

“Oh just some bits and bobs.”

A knock at the door interrupted any further conversation.

“Will that be your boyfriend? I’ll get it.” Judith went to the front door.

Peter smiled as the door was opened. "Hi."

“Hello. You must be Peter?”

"I am. Pleased to meet you."

“You too. Come in.”

Peter followed Holly's mum into the house, his smile broadening as he spied his girlfriend.

“Hi Peter.” Holly said with a shy smile.

"Hi." Peter smiled at Holly before reaching out a hand towards the older gentleman in the room. "You must be Holly's dad. Pleased to meet you."

Holly’s dad smiled brightly and shook his hand, “Holly was telling us all about you.”

"All good I hope?!" Peter chuckled.

“All good. Can I get you a drink?”

"A cup of tea would be lovely thanks."

Peter kissed Holly’s cheek as Holly’s father made him a cup of tea. “Do you take sugar?”

"No, just milk."

He nodded and made Peter a cup of tea.

As they sat down Peter turned to Holly's parents. "I don't think I caught your names..?"

“I’m Judith. This is my husband Robert.”

"Its lovely to finally meet you both." Peter smiled.

“And you.” Judith smiled. “So how long have you known Holly?”

"Since new year."

“Tell us about yourself, Peter? Holly says you’re a chemical engineer?”

"That's right. It's very technical, not very exciting." Peter laughed. "What else..? Hmm, I grew up in Holby. Moved away for uni but then came back."

“Are you an only child? What university did you go to?”

Peter burst out laughing. "I couldn't be further from an only child if I tried! I'm the eldest of eight."

“Eight? My word, that’s a lot of siblings.”

"Four brothers and three sisters."

“What are your siblings like?”

"They're all so different. Even the twins in their own way. The oldest is eighteen and the youngest is seven."

“Woah. It sounds busy in your house.” Robert answered.

"It can be. Jake has just gone travelling in the Far East and I think Em will be heading off on another art residential as soon as school breaks up."

“Have you ever thought about going travelling? Holly was planning on going, weren’t you darling?” Judith replied.

Peter gave Holly a surprised look. "Its not something I've really thought about."

Holly smiled, “I wanted to go working abroad.”

"Oh yes, as a marine biologist." Peter replied, still slightly thrown by the revelation but trying not to show it.

Holly sighed sadly, maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all?

"So what do you do for a living?" Peter asked, clearly wanting to change the subject.

“I’m a mental health advocate and my wife here is a solicitor.”

"Sounds fascinating. My parents are nurses."

“Nurses hey?”

Holly moved from the table, “I’ll be back in a minute.” She explained gently as she left the kitchen.

Peter's gaze followed his girlfriend's departing figure before turning his attention back to her parents. "Um... Yes... They're in charge of A&E at Holby city hospital."

“Quite high up then?”

"Yeh, dad's nursing manager and mum's sister."

“Did you never want to be a nurse? Follow your parents footsteps?”

"Oh hell no!"

Judith and Robert laughed gently.

"What kind of law do you practise Judith?" Peter asked.

“Mostly family and children law.”

"Ah." Peter nodded knowingly but didn't elaborate.

“What made you chose chemical engineering?”

"I got really into chemistry and IT in high school."

“It sounds fascinating.”

"Yeh, it's really interesting but quite technical so goes over most people's heads." Peter shrugged.

Judith smiled brightly. “It’s exactly the same with law.”

"Yeh I bet. So what does mental health advocacy involve?"

“Making sure those that are detained under the mental health act have a voice and understand why they’re being detained.”

"My parents see a lot of people with mental health issues at work."

“It’s something that’s becoming more common.”

"Yeh they're often on the receiving end of problems when the system doesn't work as it's supposed to." Peter sighed.

“Mental health services are massively unfunded and I feel it’s only going to get worse.” Robert sighed sadly.

"A&E ain't much better off."

“No I can imagine it isn’t.”

Holly still hadn’t returned to the table and Peter looked at the door, “Do you think one of us should go and check on her?” He asked.

"Oh she'll be fine." Judith replied.

“You wouldn’t mind if I went to see that for myself?” Peter asked.

"Your choice."

Peter nodded and moved off the chair. He headed into the hall, “Holly? Babe?”

"I'm here." She replied in a small voice from the bottom of the stairs.

He sat down next to her. “Are you okay?”

"Fine."

He rose an eyebrow, “Sure?”

"Yeh." She paused. "So you've met them now..."

“I have.”

"So..?"

“Are your parents pushy? Is that why you don’t get on?”

"They have high expectations yes." She looked awkwardly back towards the kitchen. "Can we talk later?"

“Of course we can.” He kissed her cheek, “I love you.”

"I love you too." Her smile finally genuine.

“Are you doing anything this evening?”

[canumoveurseatup-no]

In the Dark (Myself pt.4)

Summary: You and Stephen were now going strong and you couldn’t be happier. Stephen meets up with Steve and they exchange a few words.

Pairing: Stephen Strange x Black!Reader; Steve Rogers x Black!Reader

WC: 3.5k

Warnings: uhm, angst? dark stuff!!! Reader and Steve’s relationship is based off of a toxic situationship I had (Steve’s own dialogue and point of view is based off the other person’s words to me/about me, etc) and like I’ve said in the other parts, I write to cope, especially since this person has tried to come back in my life.

A/N: Glad you guys are still into this series. If you like this, please leave verbal feedback and reblog :)

----------

“He told you he loved you?!,” Mel almost dropped the dirty cups of coffee, “While he was deep in it?,”

“Jesus, Melanie. Why do you always have to phrase things like that?,” you grimaced at her. 

“Y/N. You should know by now that I’m the blunt friend with no filter,” she looks at you and purses her lips, “Anyway, did you say it back?,” 

“N-no,” you give a customer their pie with a complimentary cup of coffee and tell them to enjoy before turning back to her.

“Now that’s what I like to call ‘fucking yikes’“ she widened her eyes, “That’s like him proposing and you saying no,” 

“You just love to blow things out of proportion don’t you?,” you roll your eyes and grab yourself a cookie from the case, “He was totally fine with me not saying it. He told me I don’t have to rush it, looking at my history of love... he said it didn’t matter if I said it in that moment because he just wanted me to know that he loved me,”

“Don’t you think it’s a little early to be saying the ‘L’ word?,” she squints at you, 

“Were you not just low key guilt tripping me for not saying it back? You’re like a Sudoku puzzle, can never figure them out and I hate them,” 

She laughed at you and softly punched you shoulder, “I just like to come at you with different arguments to see how you think. I’m like a mind game, just like Sudoku, baby,”

You huff and spin around in your skates, hand on your hips as you stared at her, “My reply to your question would be..,” you thought about it for a bit, “You can fall in love as fast as you want. There are no rules and your love isn’t any less valid because it came fast,” 

“I love keeping you on your toes,” she patted your cheek and pointed to the door, “Your bodyguard will be the one picking you up today,”

You turned to the door and saw Wong coming up to the counter, “Where is Stephen? I mean, not that I don’t like walking home with you it’s just-,”

“Y/N, you’re fine,” Wong laughed at you, “He said he had some business to take care of some business and didn’t want you to have to call a cab or walk alone so he summoned me,”

“You’re not some demon, Wong,” you laugh at his choice of words and he smiled at you with those cute chubby cheeks of his.

“My shift will be ending in about 15. We have that crumb cake you love so much so I’ll cut you some slices before we leave,”

————

Steve sat on the couch in his therapist’s office and all that raced on his mind was ways to get you back. That night at Tony’s party had lit a fuse in him when he saw you. Everything he had worked for to fix had shattered when he saw you in that forest green dress. When you were with him, you hated that color. He realized his actions weren’t the best but he felt you were so stubborn and were too blind to see he loved you. You were it for him and he was it for you.

He would not let all those plans you two had be thrown away just because you felt he wasn’t treating you right. He did everything he could for you. He took you out when he asked, he cooked for you when you had a rough day at work, he would love all on you when you were feeling bad about yourself. He spoke loving words, that built you up. He called it tough love, but it was to build you up but maybe you were too weak to see that. 

Maybe he was too sturdy for you?

You just complained too much. You would bitch and moan about how you were feeling but you just wouldn’t understand that some things you had to keep to yourself. Just because you talk about things doesn’t change the fact that those problems were still there. You never knew how to just take it as it is, shut up and move on.

But Steve loved you despite that and he always told you so, you were just blind and selfish. 

Tony chewed his ear out that night. He had made a big scene and heard what he was saying to you. Tony knew Steve could be manipulative, but not like that. Tony saw the fear in your eyes as you screamed back at Steve at the top of your lungs.

“You don’t know anything about love,” Steve scoffed as his mind replayed your words. If anyone knew about love it was him. He had lost Peggy and he would do everything in his power to keep from losing you. That’s why he treated you the way he did, so well and caring. He reached to the ends of the Earth for you but you were just ungrateful. 

“Those plans are gone, the old us is gone,”

What you didn’t know is that those plans would never be thrown away. He would win you back. 

“Steve, some things just aren’t meant to be. Not everything will last like you want it to. Is this because you lost Pe-,”

“Don’t you bring her up. This has nothing to do with her!,” she clenched his fists and glared at his therapist.

“I’m just saying, I think you’re internalizing a lot of what you had with her and now you’re trying to force the same thing with Y/N, which in turn became toxic because you later became obsessed with keeping her. Despite her clearly being unhappy,”

“Oh please,” Steve chuckled, “She wasn’t unhappy. She just wanted attention. She was ungrateful and selfish. I did all I could to make her happy. I always came home to her, I gave her everything she wanted. I built her up,”

“If I remember, long ago when you first started coming here.. you explained that the fight that probably tipped the scale was the one where you called her..,” the therapist flipped through the notepad of notes, from the plenty of visits Steve made, “The human embodiment of an aneurysm,” The doctor looked at Steve expectantly but he just shrugged his shoulders.

“She just makes me.. angry!,” he wiped a hand over his face, “You think someone would get sick of complaining but she just never did!,” his voice rose.

“I love her so much but she was overwhelming. Her poor mental health fucked with mine,”

“Maybe it’s because you didn’t know how to properly listen to her. Maybe because you weren’t sure how to properly love her. You assume everyone would have their bearings together like Margaret... but times have changed, Steve. There are a lot of factors that have changed over time to affect a person and their mental state. At least Y/N was willing to admit she had bad moments and was working on it. You on the other hand are not willing to take responsibility for your selfishness and actions. Y/N always sat with you and listened to you talk about what had happened with you during a mission, or a day of training recruits. What did you do for her besides project the idea that you were there for her?,”

Steve scowled and cursed his therapist out, “You don’t know shit,”

“Maybe not,” shrugging and clicking the pen, “I only know what you tell me and what you simply tell me does not always paint you in the best light, Mr. Rogers,”

Steve laughed bitterly and stood up, grabbing his coat, “I don’t need this. I don’t need you guilt tripping me, I need you to tell me ways I can get my girl back!,”

“I’m not guilt tripping you, Steve. I’m reading you and simply giving you the results. I can’t tell you how to get her back. That’s not what these meetings are. These meetings are to help you cope and move on but you’re stuck. This isn’t martial counseling, this isn’t a matchmaker service. This is therapy to help you realize that some things just need to die in the dark,” 

Most of their sessions ended like this. His therapist would tell him the unwanted truth and e would storm off getting angry because that’s not what he wanted to hear. He wanted his Y/N, not some stupid advice about his past actions.

But what he didn’t realize was that “stupid” advice about his past actions was the one thing he needed to help him check himself so that even if he didn’t get you back, he could at least be in your good graces and move on and be healthy for the next.

------------

Steve walked to his car and the night breeze blew across his face. He preferred nights because less people were around which meant less people to recognize him and be in his business.

He heard the beep of the car unlocking and before he could get his hand on the handle he heard a deep voice behind him, 

“Steve Rogers,”

He turned around and saw the same pretentious asshole that took his girl from him.

“Not sure what you’re doing around these parts but it’s not safe for a rich, pretty boy doctor like you,” Steve clenched his jaw

“I think I can handle myself just fine,” Stephen stepped forward and smirked, his cape moving in a motion that made it seem like it was waving to Steve.

“What do you want?,” Steve rolled his eyes and clenched his fists, getting ready to fight if it came to it.

“I just wanted to suggest that you stop trying to get Y/N back. If you truly love her you’ll stay away and I’m not asking... or really suggesting at all to be quite honest,” Stephen shrugged and gauged Steve’s reaction.

“I’m not going to do that because I love her. She is my girl. You just so happened to be begging for thread,”

Stephen chuckled at Steve, “That would seem to be more your style since you’re driving yourself mad trying to get someone back who doesn’t want anything to do with you. Especially after that stunt you pulled back at Tony’s last month,”

“Listen. why don’t you go crawl back into whatever sci-fi romance novel you poofed out of and let Y/N and I move on, huh,”

Stephen looked at his watch and noticed the time. You should be getting home any minute and he at least wanted to greet you.

“I don’t have the time to argue with you, you off brand G.I Joe. So, just stay away from Y/N and we’ll be square. If not, well I don’t think you’ll want to find out,”

Before Steve could open his mouth all the way to reply, Stephen was gone. Steve almost rips his car door off trying to get inside. He slams the door and starts banging on the steering will while shouting angrily,

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!,” His face reddened and he was practically blowing smoke out of his nose and ears.

There was no way he was going to let someone like Stephen keep him from winning you back.

--------------

Stephen had transported himself back to the house with fresh take out. It was “Takeout Tuesdays” where you two sat on the couch and watched reruns of Modern Family while you ate your food and drank your wine. It was pretty much a weekly holiday for you guys and he would never want to miss it. 

He quickly changed his clothes and when you and Wong walk through the front door, he’s walking out of the kitchen carrying your take out trays.

“Stephen!,” you rush to him and help him set the food down on the table before wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him. You had just seen him this morning, but after a long day, you were relieved to see him.

“Hey, sweetheart. Thanks again, Wong. Ran into some trouble at the hospital and had to help a rookie with a recovering patient,” Stephen didn’t want to lie, he never lied to you and didn’t want to start now but he had to do it to keep you safe.

“Oh, it’s okay. Plus I compensated for you by giving Wong free crumb cake,” You looked over your shoulder and saw him walk away with his plate and peeling back the aluminium foil to take a piece out and start munching on it.

Stephen helped you take of your jacket and skates before sitting you down to relax, “Be right back,” he holds up an finger and runs into the kitchen, not even thirty seconds late he’s coming out with two wine glasses and a nice bottle of cheap risata pink moscato. You were never one for the expensive ones, you like to keep things simple and just because it was cheaper, didn’t mean it was bad. 

He opened the glass and poured you a glass, handing it to you as well as your tray of food. He sat beside beside you and poured himself a class, sitting back with his food in lap, finally resting beside you and enjoying your presence.

“How was your day?,” he questioned.

“Long. This asshole came him early as hell, guess he was hungover and just had theeeee worst, piss poor attitude ever. Was just disgusting and you wanna know what he did?,” you turned to him and scooped some food into your mouth,

“What’d he do, baby?,” Stephen arched a brow and took a sip of his wine

“So get this... he orders a black coffee, hot, and a side of eggs. He barely ate the damn eggs and drank a third of the coffee, so when it’s time to pay, I tell him it was 3.52 I have my hand out and he puts the change in the steaming cup of coffee and the three dollars? smothers them in the eggs, Stephen!,” you yell exasperated.

“How do you deal with ingrates like that?,” Stephen frowned, thoroughly bothered that you endure stuff like that on a daily basis.

“Not sure. At first the stress would never end, even when I clocked out and went home, for reasons you know. But now... now I have the best thing to come home to, better yet, it comes to me before I even clock out for the night,” you lean over nudge him, smiling bashfully and he just looks at you up and down before leaning in to kiss you.

“Y/N Y/L/N. You never cease to make me fall deeper in love with you,” 

You felt you face heat up and your cheeks hurt from smiling so hard, “You’re the best thing to come into my life,” you whisper.

He knew you weren’t comfortable to say those three words yet, so you took it upon yourself to find other ways to say it, and he was beyond okay with it because he knew what lied behind the words you said in place of what you truly wanted.

------

Throughout the next few weeks, things have been calm and peaceful at the diner. Mel had called out sick so it just left you to serve all day long. Hank and Finn were the only others but they were the cooks so they couldn’t be much help when your lunch rush came. 

You still had a few hours left before it was time to close down and clock out. It was around this time that not many people came in because of how late it was getting. It was 10 on weekday so you always expect it to be deserted and have maybe one passerby come through for a donut and coffee or a piece of pie. 

“We’re taking our break, smiley!,” Hank called from the kitchen. Your smile beamed at him as you nodded. The staff and the regulars came up with the nickname smiley simply because you’re always smiling at work, even when the shitty customers would come in.

“All right, take your time, I’m gonna start cleaning up in here,” you called back. You were given a simple okay from Finn and Hank and the back door slammed shut. You skated around the diner sweeping and cleaning the tables. You put the dishes in the kitchen for Finn to wash and you went back to the front. 

You had your back to the door as you counted your tip from today and you heard the bell of the front door open, “I’ll be right with you,” you called over your shoulder not really looking at the customer. You heard them scoot into a chair at the bar and sit patiently. Once you were finished counting your tip, you put it in your purse and got your notepad out, in case this person wanted something too big for you to remember. 

Spinning around in your skates, you click your pen still looking at the notepad, “Hi, I’m Y/N, how may I he-,”

You lifted your head up to see the man and you audibly gasped, dropping your notepad and pen.

“As much as I’d love a cup of coffee, that’s not exactly what I need,” Steve tapped his finger on the counter.

You couldn’t even breathe, you couldn’t move, you were frozen. 

“How you been?,” he reaches into the donut case and takes one out and plating it, breaking a piece off and eating it, “Don’t act so speechless now, sunshine. You could never seem to shut up when we were together,” he laughs to himself before clearing his throat, “Sorry, that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to yell o-or anything,”

“So why are you here?,” you finally spoke and slowly started to move backwards to your bag to grab you phone and call Stephen in an SOS.

“Why else would I be here? I want my best girl back,” his smile is wicked and nauseating. 

You reach towards your back and Steve slams his fists on the counter, scaring you, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you... Smiley,”

“HANK! FINN!!,” You shout but Steve lets out a heart laugh.

“Oh, they’re out cold, it’s just us,” he shakes his head and takes another piece of the donut, popping it in his mouth.

“Steve, don’t do this,” you grit through your teeth. You would not cry. Not in this moment, not in front of him. You would not let him have that power over you anymore, “Just let me go,”

“Only way you’re leaving is if you leave with me. That’s the only option and you can either leave willingly or I knock you out and take you with me. I’m really not in the mood to fight against you so, let’s just go, yeah?,” he gets up and you could run out the back if you were quick. He’d have to jump over the counter and by that time you’d already be at the back door, pushing it open. Once he turns his back to leave you make a run for it but you, just that easily, forget you’re wearing skates. You could have used that to our advantage anyway but no, you fucked up and slipped on your ass, hitting your head in the process.

Steve kept his back to you and sighed shaking his head, “I told you, Smiley,” he comes around the counter and squats right in front of you, picking your head up to make sure you look him in the eyes, “We’re gonna go now, okay?,” 

“Steve, no,” you grunt but he already had his hands around your throat. You claw at his hands and kick your feet to try and get him off of you but you were clearly losing. Your vision starts to blur and you’re gasping harder for air, but to no avail it doesn’t work.

“It’s okay, we’re going home,” is the last thing you hear from him before you’re out cold.

And left alone in the dark.

------------

Stephen was just getting ready to leave to pick you up when his phone rang. He looked at the caller ID and rolled his eyes, wondering what trouble he’d gotten himself into this time to need his help.

“Yes, Tony?,”

“Stephen,”

“Pepper?,” Stephen frowns and wonders why it’s Pepper on the other line, “You don’t sound so good, is everything okay?,”

“You need to get down to the diner, like now,” her tone is rushed and frantic

“I’m on my way now, has something happened?,”

“Stephen, Y/N’s gone. Her stuff is still here but she’s just gone!,” she panted, “Her coworkers were found knocked out in the back of the diner by Peter when he was doing his town rounds and Peter called Tony, Tony called the cops and now we don’t know what to do!,”

-----------

Cliffhanger 0_0 

If you enjoyed this part, please leave verbal feedback and reblog, thank yoou!]

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Tags- @chonisberonica @majikmelanin @mbaku-babygirl @definethatpotato @queen-of-the-jabari @grey-junior @just4muggles @misstoryunfolded @bartonsbowandarrow @sgtevanstan @thebesteleganttrashyouseen @marveldivergentouatdctvfangirl @lovely-leigh @valynsia @chaddaddybose @motivation-idontknowher @succulentsareprettycool @babybubastis @catzspaceships @cliffordasparagus @vozit @amethyst-dreams-and-candy-canes @blowmymbackout @scarletlingeries @mirajanestrauss1999 @michaels-endtime @majessticfandomcollection @shannonr2003 @yournonlocalpoc @hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @spideys-wife @mokacoconut

[jimintykookies]

Pairing: hoseok x female reader

Genre: phoenix!AU, smut, angst, fluff

Warnings: intercourse, oral (male and female), loss of virginity (female), major character death (non-descriptive)

A/N: Here it is, my first fic on this account. I’m so excited to debut my writing on here and even more excited to do it as part of a collab full of wonderful writers (many of whom I look up to). If you would like to check out their contributions to Cryptaesthesia, the link is here. I hope you enjoy and please, please, please leave feedback. Love ya!!

“Don’t forget to remind your parents about the conferences.”

You watched fondly as your hoard of kindergartners ran off to greet their respected parent or guardian. Your smile widened, quietly observing them excitedly explaining the events of their day. You loved your job and you loved your kids. Each one was special in their own unique way: Ella built towers with anything she could get her hands on, Lucas was the master painter and Bianca and Taylor were the Double Dutch queens.

You were familiar with most of the parents as well. There was the group of ‘Mean Girl’ moms who actively shamed anyone who gave their kids so much as a cookie. Rachel and Elliot Kasper were the young, dreamy couple who were so in love it was disgusting. Mrs. Wells was the Master of the Bake Sales, who made the best chocolate chip cookies you’d ever had. And then there was Kim Taehyung: the hot single dad with eyes of honey and a heart of gold. He had moved to the states a few years ago with his daughter Jisoo, and you couldn’t exactly blame the moms who would swoon over him at PTA meetings. Between his caramel hair, puppy dog eyes and a jawline that could cut diamonds, no one could blame you for harboring a little crush on him. It didn’t help that the sound of “Miss. Y/N” rolling of his tongue was enough for your panties to become ruined. How can someone’s voice be deeper than the Pacific ocean?

Your eyes quickly found him as they ran over the school courtyard. He was crouched beside Jisoo, golden skin glistening in the early May sun, lips stretched into a large smile as he chatted with his daughter. You mentally cursed how good he looked in a plain black t-shirt, because no human should look that hot. And those arms, god those arms. You could barely breathe when his biceps flexed to pick Jisoo’s backpack.

You lingered in the courtyard until you were sure all your kids were gone before slowly dragging yourself back to your classroom. Due to school policy, you were required to stay for another hour before you could head home to your couch and a warm cup of tea. Doing your best to fill up the time, you stop by the teacher’s lounge to make yourself a cup of bland coffee, an important aid in making your way through grading thirty-two math tests. You loved to teach, but grading had to be one of the worst jobs on the planet. While your kids were wonderful, you couldn’t say the same about their handwriting. You had suffered through many a headache trying to decipher e’s from c’s and h’s from n’s.

Sure enough an hour later you were sitting at your desk rubbing your temples. Accompanying your growing headache was the familiar queasy stomach and empty chest. These phenomenons make up what you call the Feeling. The Feeling had plagued you since you were eight years old and you accidentally set your Barbie doll on fire.

For the most part, it had been a quiet Tuesday evening. Your parents had gotten into another fight, but that wasn’t exactly out of character at this point. You were alone in your room about to make Ken kiss the bride, when you heard a loud crash from the kitchen. You jumped at the sound, heart beating fast. Crashes often meant ugly fights and because of this, loud noises set off your fight or flight instincts. When you looked back at your doll, you found that your dear Barbie, along with your hand, were ablaze. Despite the fire, the burning sensation was nowhere to be found, and despite your surprise, you made no sound. Instead, you stared at the flames until your breathing and heartbeat slowed and the fire extinguished itself. The doll was a melted, black mess, but your hand was otherwise untouched.

That was the first of many times you accidentally set something on ire. Byt the time you were eleve, your pyrokinetic abilities were somewhat under control. As far as you were aware, nobody else knew about it and that was the way you wanted it to stay. However, your control over your flame had a direct relationship with the Feeling. As your control grew, the Feeling grew in tandem. You don’t know exactly how to describe the Feeling, but the closest you had ever come was it felt like you were missing the other half of your soul. At first, it was just a lonely thought it the back of your mind, but as you matured, it became more physical and more distracting. It was a dull ache most of the time and just enough distraction would make you forget about it, but some days it screamed at you, making it hard to focus on work and at its worst, leave you bedridden. You were to afraid to go to a doctor because while you didn’t know the exact cause, you were fairly certain that it was connected to your powers and you weren’t in the mood to become some lab experiment.

Today it hadn’t been too bad, but without proper distraction, it still bugged you. You had found over the years that peppermint tea eased the feeling a bit, so you found yourself once again in the teacher’s lounge, boiling a steaming cup. You were in the middle of stirring in some honey, when Kim Namjoon, the vice principal, approached you.

“Hey, Y/N.” He smiled fondly at you.

“Hey, Namjoon, what’s up?”

You liked Namjoon. Not romantically, but as a person. He was intelligent, funny and genuinely cared about both the staff and the kids. He had amazing ideas about how to make the students learning simultaneously more fun and more immersive, all while providing constant support for the teachers. He would make a much better principal then Min Jinsoo, who only liked his job for his pay.

“I got your field trip approved.”

A few weeks ago you had sent in a request for a field trip to a local dance studio that offered classes about movement for younger children. You were currently leading a unit on health and exercise and you figured this would be a great way to get the kids out of the classroom. When you had told Namjoon about your idea, he had immediately been on board. However, Jinsoo was an absolute stinge, and rarely granted field trip requests. This time, however, you seemed to have gotten lucky.

“Really? That’s great. What did you have to bribe Min with this time?”

“Bribery? Don’t you know who I am? I charmed him with my outstanding rhetoric.”

You raised an eyebrow. He sighed.

“Free coffee for a month.”

“Jesus, Joon, you didn’t have to do that!”

“A ‘thanks’ would have been sufficient.”

“Well, thank you. This will really mean a lot to the kids. We haven’t gone on a field trip since October.”

“No problem. You know the kid’s education is the most important thing to me.”

“I do, but we both know how expensive Jung’s prefered coffee is.”

“I never promised him that. If you think I am bringing anything other than that gas station shit, you are sadly mistaken.”

“Well, thanks still. Anyway, I better get going. I have a crap load of tests to grade. As much as I love these kids, their handwriting is really something else.”

“Aish, I know. Good luck. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Kim.”

An hour later, you’re finally done with checking the tests and entering the scores into the gradebook. You pack up your stuff, grab your coat and keys and head out to your car. The one positive about staying behind to grade tests, is that it means you miss rush hour. Instead of an hour, your drive home only takes thirty minutes. However, by the time you make it home, the Feeling begins to take over. You immediately make yourself another cup of peppermint tea before curling up on the couch and putting a show on Netflix. You can’t really focus on the plot though, because the Feeling is slowly taking over all of your senses. You hated when it got like this: all consuming, demanding that you pay attention to it. What you hated most is that there was no way for you to fix it. For all you knew, you would spend the rest of your life like this and if the pattern continued, it would only get worse.

You ended up giving up on watching the show and instead making yourself a light dinner before going to bed at six-thirty. You don’t fall asleep for a long time, tears streaming down your face as you longed for someone to comfort you, to tell you it was okay. When you can no longer keep your eyes open, you fall into a dreamless slumber.

HOSEOK POV

“One and two and three and four and…” Hoseok had long cutout Jimin’s counting, his only focus being his body and the music.

He loved the feeling of the solid, hardwood dance floor beneath his feet. With each step he felt more alive and he could feel a rush of energy run through him every time he breathed in. He threw his body into every leap, every step, every beat. Dance was his life and he communicated that with his movement.

He got so caught up in dancing that he hadn’t realized that Jimin had stopped moving. One second he was flying through the air and the next he was colliding with Jimin’s hard body before falling to the floor. He put his hand out to catch himself, but his weight was too much for his wrist and he cried out as sharp pain shot up his arm.

“Fuck, Hobi, are you okay?”

Jimin was immediately hovering over him, as he rolled on the floor clutching his wrist.

“Ahh, shit it hurts.”

“Do you need me to take you to the hospital? Do you need painkillers? Ice?”

“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Just help me up.”

Using his good hand, Jimin lifted him to his feet and helped him hobble to the front desk where they kept a mini-fridge with ice. He hissed when he felt the cold against his now swollen wrist.

“Are you sure your fine?” Jimin’s voice was shaking with worry.

“I’ll be alright. Go back to dancing, I’ll be in in a minute.”

Jimin cast him a worried glance, but listened to him anyway. As soon as Jimin was gone, Hoseok channeled the energy that was always bubbling in his core to spread out down to his arm. He sighed in relief as the swelling went down. He became so relaxed, that he didn’t notice that he had set fire to the towel he had wrapped around the ice.

“Fuck. Shit. Goddammit.”

He quickly beat out the flame before throwing the towel in the trash, hoping no one would notice it. It wasn’t the first time he had accidentally set something on fire and he doubted it would be the last. Ever since he was eight years old, he had been setting random things aflame. Lucky for him, the only person who had ever caught him was his school’s druggie. The kid had blabbered to everyone on campus about Hoseok’s powers but every had passed it off as an LSD induced hallucination. Despite having them for his entire life, he had no idea where his powers came from, he just knew that they were accompanied by the strangest ache he had ever felt.

He waited a couple more minutes before heading back into the dance studio. Jimin had just finished running through the song again and was brushing the sweat from his forehead.

When he saw Hoseok, his brow furrowed in concern.

“Hey, what are you doing? Shouldn’t you be icing that?”

“It’s fine, just some temporary pain. I’m good. Should we run it again?”

“Actually, we have some kids from a local school coming in in a couple days. I was hoping you could teach it because it’s my parent’s 50th anniversary and I have to help with the party.”

“Uh, sure. How old are they?”

“Around five or six. Kindergartners.”

“Aww, just little kiddos.”

Hoseok had always had a soft spot for little ones. They were always so adorable, prancing around the studio, attempting to follow his instructions.

“Yeah, it’s a field trip from the local school. I think you’ll really like the teacher. She’s hot.”

Jimin sent him a wink and he rolled his eyes in response. Over the years, Hoseok had found himself perpetually single. Don’t get him wrong, he had got his dick wet plenty of times, but every relationship he had found himself in felt suffocating. Jimin, however, was a hopeless romantic and made it his life mission to find the girl of Hoseok’s dreams. This teacher was only one of the billion that Jimin had tried to set him up with and he doubted this one would be any different from the rest. Still, there was a part of him that hoped that she might fix the hole that was becoming more and more obvious every day.

Something was wrong. Very wrong. You had never felt this good in your entire life. You had just stepped into the dance studio to meet the instructor for your class, normal procedure. However, as soon as his hand clasped yours in a friendly shake, it felt like your entire body was healed. You almost jumped in surprise at the sensation and it took you a solid minute to recuperate from the shock. Throughout the class you found yourself trying to find ways to get as close to him as possible: the nearer you were, the more euphoric you felt. The hole that had began to become unbearable the last couple days, was suddenly gone. During the lunch break, you found yourself talking to him. The conversation was easy, and while you normally felt anxious around guys, you felt completely safe around Hoseok. He was handsome, a good dancer, and the absolute sweetest around the kids. You prayed to god he was single, because you weren’t sure you would be able to handle of the pain of him having a girlfriend. You dreaded having to leave. You didn’t know if you would ever feel like this again.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. You almost wanted to cry during your departure, but instead were forced to help manage your small children. When you shook his hand in goodbye, you felt a small piece of paper being passed to you. When you glanced at it, you were elated to see the ten digits scrawled in blue ink. You couldn’t help the smile that grew across your face and when you glanced back up at him, you burst out laughing at his cheesy wink. You didn’t notice your scarf in a crumpled heap in the corner of the dance studio, but Hoseok certainly did.

You at in your desk chair, lazily swinging back and forth, while you debated whether or not you should text him. You hadn’t had much dating experience in your life (read: none at all) and the last thing you wanted was to come off as too eager. That being said, you were eager to see him again. You longed to feel the comfortable ease that came with being around him and his gorgeous smile. You began to swirl into an anxious spiral, mind switching back and forth to the point that you felt a headache begin to form. You were so deep in your thoughts, that you didn’t hear the knock on the door or see Hoseok walk in.

You glanced up in surprise, “Oh...what are you doing here?”

He broke into a gentle smile as your tongue tripped over itself, which in turn made you smile as well. Just him being in the room made your mind calm and your anxiety quell. That all disappeared when you noticed the scarf, your scarf, in his hand. You come to the fast and disappointing realisation that he is not there for you, but simply to return your belonging.

“I’m here to return this...”

His voice was soft and unsteady, breath quick. He almost seemed nervous.

“...andtoaskyouonadate.”

He spit the words out so fast, it took you a moment to comprehend what he had just said. When the realisation did hit you, you opened your mouth before closing it in complete disbelief.

“I..well..um..you wanna go on a date? With me?” You couldn’t keep the disbelief out of your voice.

“Well..uh..yeah. Ya know..if that is something you would like?”

It was a good thing no one else was there to see you because you were both a blushing mess. Hoseok hadn’t actually gone a date with a girl in years (he was pretty sure casual one night stands didn’t count as dates) and you had never been on a date at all. You hadn’t even had your first kiss.

“I would like that...a date..that...we should do.”

Your nervousness seemed to cure him of his, as he burst out in the cutest giggle you had ever heard (keep in mind you work with five year olds).

“Thank god, if you had said no, I swear I would’ve died.”

You smile, the butterflies in your stomach still fluttering, but no longer preventing you from being a coherent human being.

“I’m just happy you’re not just here to return the scarf.”

“I’m happy you left it so I had an excuse to see you again.”

You giggled.

“So how does dinner and a movie next Saturday sound?”

“It sounds just perfect.”

“Well I should probably go, it’s Jimin’s birthday and if I don’t pick up the alcohol for his party, I don’t know if you will ever see me again.”

“Well then you better go, I don’t want a missing man as my date. Text me the details?”

“Sounds good.”

Time goes by slower than you would like, but now Hoseok texts you daily and that keeps your impatience at bay. By the time Saturday evening rolls around, you are a chaotic mess, trying to figure out what to wear. You always thought it was stupid how much time and effort put into getting ready for these kinds of things, but now you fully understood the pressure of trying not to look like you tried too hard, but also like you tried a little. Society is stupid like that. By the time you were walking out the door, you had spent nearly three hours on your hair, makeup and outfit, and you swore to god if the date went well, Hoseok was going to have to deal with you being a mess from now on.

You meet him at a new Mexican restaurant equidistant from both of your houses. You almost choked when you saw him, his usual attire consisting of sweatpants and loose tees replaced with a leather jacket and black skin-tight jeans. He looked god-level good and you wondered how soon you could get water because, goddamn, if you were going to get through this night you were going to need a lot of it.

As it turns out, despite his “bad boy” outfit, Hoseok was the perfect gentlemen. He held the door open, offered to take your jacket, and pulled out your chair for you. Just like the other day at the dance studio, conversation with him was as easy as it had ever been. You felt completely relaxed, and despite your generally closed off ways, you were willing to be completely vulnerable. It was simple and easy and you didn’t have to think about anything.

Everything was going great until you left the restaurant to walk to the nearby movie theater. You were halfway there when you ran into the one person you would pay money to never have to speak to again: Jeon Jungkook, your high school crush.

You and Jungkook had been in the same friend group in high school and were actually fairly close. You had spent many a night helping his piss drunk ass home and sobering him up so his father wouldn’t get mad and beat him again. You grew closer as more and more of your friends either graduated or became self-righteous jerks and by the end of your junior year, you considered him to be your best friend.

But then something changed. Jungkook grew distant within a matter of weeks, only talking to you when absolutely necessary. You were left heartbroken and confused, but when you tried confront him on the matter, he left you with more questions, then he answered. You later learned that he had found out about your little crush on him and instead of handling it like a mature human being, he ditched you out of embarrassment for your “pitiful ass” (his words apparently).

“Oh hey.”

Hey. Those were the first word to you in ten years, after abandoning you when he was all you had left.  You glared at him, hand tightening around Hoseok’s.

“Hey.”

Your voice was quiet. You didn’t know what Jungkook wanted, but that didn’t stop you from being terrified that he would say something to make Hoseok never want to talk to you again. You were so happy for the first time in your life, and here was the one person who might just ruin it for you.

“Who’s this?”

Hoseok looked back and forth between you, clearly confused.

“This is my..uh..ex-friend, Jungkook.”

“Now that’s no way to introduce your best friend from high school.”

You hated that he looked so happy. That he was confident. You had wanted the world to rip him apart for what he did to you, but instead it seemed to only have built him up more.

“What do you want Jungkook?”

Despite your attempts to control it, you were sure both men could here the anger laced in your tone.

“Gosh, Y/N, I was just trying to be nice.”

“Oh, now you’re being nice? Maybe you should’ve tried that a couple years ago.”

This seemed to tick Jungkook off, his brows furrowing and his lips curling in a spiteful frown.

“Well sorry I didn’t want your pathetic ass trailing around behind me like a lost puppy.”

He turned to Hoseok.

“Let me give you some advice man, get out while you still can. She’s just an attention seeker and a clingy bitch. God, I can’t believe I was ever friends with you.”

Tears welled in your eyes, and before Hoseok can say anything in response, you were bolting down the street in the direction of your home, not looking behind you once.

Over the next few weeks you ignore Hoseok’s calls and texts, too embarrassed to talk to him. Over the course of the next month, you flirt with Taehyung and he ends up asking you out. You agree. He was much more confident than Hoseok and even though you didn’t feel the same relief as you did when Hobi was around, you thought that maybe getting out into the dating world would help fill up the hole that had gotten worse since you stopped hanging out with Hoseok.

Taehyung picked you up at your apartment before driving you to mini-golf. Like Hoseok, he was a perfect gentleman and the conversation was easy, but you didn’t feel the connection you had before. After letting you beat him (even though he denied it ferociously), he took you to a quiet cafe near your home. You were talking quietly about various teaching methods when you saw him.

Hoseok look tired and distraught as he dodged the barista’s attempts to flirt with him. You tried to focus on your conversation, but your eyes kept wandering back to where he was standing, waiting for his coffee. He hadn’t seemed to notice you yet and it was a fact you were thankful for. Despite the fact that you weren’t interested in Taehyung romantically, you didn’t need yet another date ruined by a ghost from your past. However, you’re luck seemed to runout when his eyes glanced over you. You could see the exact moment he understood what he was looking at.

A look of determination came over him as he grabbed his drink before beelining straight towards your table.

“Why the fuck are you ignoring me?”

You flinched at his sudden harsh words and you would’ve paid a million dollars to get swallowed up by a giant hole right then and there. Tae looked at you, obviously confused. You gulped audibly before opening your mouth.

“Hi, Hoseok.” You heard your voice shake and your will to live shrunk even smaller.

“Just answer my goddamn question, Y/N.”

You looked apologetically at Taehyung, “Can you excuse us for a moment?”

He nods, still confused.

You grabbed Hoseok’s hand and drag him outside of the coffee shop before turning to really look at him for the first time since your date. You could now clearly see how unwell he was. His lips were chapped and the dark circles under his eyes made him look almost dead. Edward looked more alive than him.

“Well?”

His voice wasn’t annoyed, just exasperated.

“I’m sorry.”

You looked up at him from under your eyelashes.

“That’s it?”

“No. I am really sorry. I shouldn’t have ignored you, I was just embarrassed. Jungkook, the guy we ran into, I used to have a thing for him and he found out and he thought I was pathetic because of it so he stopped hanging out with me. I just didn’t want you to think about me the same way he did. I..I really like you, Hoseok and I didn’t want you to hurt me like he had.”

Hoseok stared at you blankly and you felt the butterflies in your stomach begin to swarm with anxiety.

“Please say something.”

He looked at you in the eyes and you see his facial features begin to soften.

“I would never think of you as pathetic, Y/N. I’m sorry if I ever made it seem like it was even possible for me to think that. I really like you too, if you haven’t noticed and I haven’t felt this way about someone for a really long time. I just thought I had screwed up somehow, which, admittedly wouldn’t have been the first time. I just…”

You cut off his rambling by attaching your lips to his. He stood frozen in shock for a few moments before his brain registers what’s happening. He then begins to his move his mouth against yours. You felt a wave of warmth wash over you and your entire body relaxed into him. You don’t notice the heat at first, you are so consumed by the feeling of Hoseok’s lips on yours. The light is what drew your attention away from his mouth and to your arms, both of which were on fire.

You draw back in a panic, a yelp released from your mouth.

“Oh my god.”

You had set Hoseok on fire. You knew your powers would be a burden, but you had never imagined something like this would ever happen. By now, of course, Hoseok had noticed the flames too and was also in a state of panic.

“Oh shit. Oh my god, I set you on fire. Fuck, fuck fuck.”

“Wait, what?”

You pulled back.

“You set me on fire?”

Hoseok looked at you confused. It then came to both of your realisation that neither of you were screaming in pain, as one who was on fire would.

“Wait, can you…?” You looked up at Hoseok with bright eyes, “Can you light things on fire?”

Hoseok nodded slowly like he was afraid for the truth to come out. He looked down at the ground almost embarrassed.

“I can too.”

At that, his head snapped up and looked you straight in the eye.

“You’re lying.” His voice was rough, but you could hear a glimmer of hope in his undertone.

“I’m not. See.”

You lifted your hand and produced a small flame from your palm. As if in a trance, Hoseok’s own hand came out to brush the tip of the fire. When he deemed it harmless, he grasped your hand in his own and pulled you in for a hug.

“I’m not alone,” he whispers shakely.

His arms were tight around you and you once again were overwhelmed with feelings of comfort and belonging. After a long minute, he pulled away again, eyes glassy and lips curved into a shaky smile.

“Look, Y/N, I know that we haven’t known each other that long, but for the first time in my entire life, I feel like I belong somewhere and that somewhere is with you. So would you be willing to do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”

You looked up at him, eyes wide and heart open before nodding as tears began to trickle down your cheeks.

“Yes, Hoseok, I would love to.”

With that he pulled you in for a kiss, this one a bit more reckless and messy. You got caught up in how safe his arms felt and how euphoric your entire being was just because his lips were on yours. You never wanted the moment to end.

Eventually you pulled back when someone clears their throat. You find Taehyung standing outside the cafe door, looking a bit awkward.

“Uh, I’m gonna head out.”

“Oh god, Taehyung, I’m so sorry. This isn’t anything against you, I swear. You’re a really great guy-”

“It’s fine. Seriously. Look, I think your cute and I would have loved to date you, but just from looking at the two of you together, I can tell that he’s the one you should be with.”

A small smile graces your mouth at the comment.

“Thanks for being so understanding. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect girl out there somewhere.”

“Thanks. Have a great night, Y/N.”

“You too, Tae.”

With that he walks away, leaving you to sink into your new boyfriend’s arms.

You had never believed in fairytales and had a general distaste toward rom-coms. With your life being so bitter and lonely, you found it hard to believe anything close to the semblance of true love could be real. Hoseok completely flipped your world view. With him, everything was easier, lighter. If you were having troubles with work, he would be there to rant to and then take you to get a cup of coffee.

You had discussed your powers and found your experiences to remarkably similar: you both set things on fire at a young age, before gradually gaining control of it. You both had also experienced the missing feeling in your soul which had only grown with time, but most importantly, you both knew that that hole was gone as long as you were with each other.

Despite his disclaimer of not having a girlfriend since his junior year of high school, Hoseok went above and beyond in your relationship in ways that made you feel like you might be an inadequate girlfriend. The dates he planned were always fun and interesting but he also had an interesting knack for knowing when you just needed to stay in for the evening and watch movies while cuddling.

Somewhere along the line, the question of sex came in. You had barely kissed anyone before Hoseok, much less ever had sex and you were very embarrassed to admit this to him. He, however, was very understanding, and was willing to wait as long as you wanted.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he had said, “I would love to fuck you into high heavens right now, but I know that losing your virginity is scary and I don’t want you to feel any pressure whatsoever.”

You had felt much better after that and neither of you had touched the subject since. Before you knew it, you had almost been dating for a year. Your life had become the life you could only have dreamed of twelve months ago. Even Namjoon had mentioned how much happier you seemed.

You had gotten to know Hoseok’s friends as well and you often hung out as a group. You had grown especially close to Jimin, who was constantly trying to woo Hoseok’s other close friend, Yoongi.

“I just don’t understand,” he would complain to you, “I know he likes me, so why does he give me the cold shoulder all the time. We literally slept together. He had his dick inside me for fucks sake!”

“Maybe he’s just scared of commitment.”

“Scared of commitment my ass, what more could you need when you have my peach butt on demand 24/7.”

For your one year anniversary, Hoseok planned a picnic on the beach. You ate chinese takeout since neither of you could cook for shit and talked while watching the sun set over the ocean. After eating, you strolled along together, barefoot in the sand, hand in hand. You would playfully splash him with your foot and he would threaten to throw you into the chilly water. Your conversation was careless and free and your heart felt light. You wouldn’t have changed a thing, even for a million dollars. Eventually he stopped walking and pulled you to face him.

You looked up at him and giggled, but your smile dropped when you saw how serious he looked.

“What’s up?”

You felt your stomach sinking.

“I just wanted to take a moment to say how much you mean to me, Y/N. Before I met you, I didn’t even realise how shitty my life was. It was all grey and boring and sure there were times where I was happy but for the most part I was lonely and tired. And then you came in and you lit the entire thing up. The past year with you has by far been the best in my entire life. I feel so happy and free and like there isn’t a thing in the world that could change that. I love you, Y/N. I love you so fucking much and I just wanted you to know that.”

You felt the tears as they poured down your cheek. You were breathless, barely able to comprehend what he was saying.

“I love you too, Jung Hoseok.”

With that, he pulled you in for a kiss, his hands grasping your cheeks. His kissed you with such a ferocity that it felt like he was trying to transfer his soul into you. You were faintly aware of the fact that you were in public and that your bodies were probably catching on fire from the intensity, but you couldn’t find yourself to care. You just wanted to be consumed by Jung Hoseok.

You pulled away first when your lungs began to burn from the lack of air. Hoseok looked down with you and you would have to be blind not to see the pure adoration that filled his eyes.

“I have one more thing to ask.”

“Anything.”

“Will you move in with me?”

You don’t even think before nodding. And then you are kissing again. That’s when you realise you want him. All of him. You loved him and he loved you and there was no one else on the planet you would ever want to be with.

“Hoseok...I want to do it. Tonight.”

His gaze felt intense as his brown eyes met yours.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel bad about it.”

“We’ve been together for a year and I love you so fucking much Jung Hoseok. There’s no one else in the entire world I would rather do it with.”

Once he realized that you were really serious about having sex with him, his entire demeanor changed. His eyes darkened and you giggled as he grabbed your hand dragging you back to the car.

“Eager much?”

“Look, I love you, but I haven’t had sex in like a year and a half. Forgive me if I am a bit excited to finally fuck the love of my life.”

You giggled again.

Despite his eagerness before, Hoseok insisted on taking it slow. Instead of pushing you up against the wall as soon as he closed the door like you had wished, he made you sit on the couch while he “got ready”. You let him, wondering what in the world he would possibly need to change in order to have sex. Maybe he was cleaning his dick. You giggled at the thought.

However, all traces of humor were erased when Hoseok guided you by the waist to his bedroom, only for you to find the room lit up with candle light.

“Sorry that there aren’t any rose petals, but I didn’t exactly have any forewarning so I hope this works.”

“Hoseok, this is perfect. You’re perfect. I love you so much.”

With that, his lips are once again on yours and you’re being pushed back until your legs hit the bed and you fell backwards onto the plush mattress. Hoseok’s hand found your breast and he softly groped it, enticing a soft sigh from you. He took the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. Lewd smacking noises fill the room. Yearning to be closer to Hoseok’s solid body you wrapped your arms tight around his neck, and pulled him as close to you as possible.

Hoseok’s hand moved from your tit, and traveled to the hem of your sundress, where he began to draw small, teasing circles. You arched your back into him, a small moan slipping out of your mouth. His erection is pressed against your thigh, and you feel a small bubble of pride swell up in you. You had spent so much of your life doubting how you look and how you act, but here you were with a man who found you overwhelmingly attractive and on top of it, loved you with the depths of his soul.

You soon pulled away from the soft comforts of his mouth, only to tug at the hem his t-shirt before he gets the hint and removes the offensive fabric. You had seen Hoseok shirtless many times before, when he was swimming or dancing or during one of your many make-out sessions, but his broad shoulders and tight abs never failed to make you clench your thighs to together.

Hoseok noticed your stare and chuckled.

“As much as I appreciate you appreciating me, I think it’s only fair that you remove a little something too, princess.”

You felt your core tighten at the pet name, and you found yourself eagerly shrugging the dress over your head before you threw it off the bed to join Hoseok’s shirt. Your simple lace bralette and lavender cotton underwear weren’t exactly the sexiest lingerie one could wear, but the dark look in Hoseok’s eyes could have fooled you.

Then he was crawling back over you, lips attached to the side of your neck as he helplessly rutted down on your thigh. Your threw your head back in a moan when he bit down on a particular sensitive spot near the juncture of your neck and shoulder. Expletives fell from your lips as pleasure clouded your mind and you felt the wetness in your panties soak through the flimsy material.

One of Hoseok’s callused hands managed to make its way down your side before it resumed its place on the inside of your thigh. This time he moved them slowly upwards until you could swear you could feel the heat of his fingertips through your underwear. He lightly pressed on your clit, testing the waters before your soft gasp led him to add more pressure, rubbing in gentle circles. You whined at the motion, the unfamiliar feeling of someone else touching you there sent you into a heated frenzy.

“Fuck, princess, you’re so wet. Is this all for me?”

The low timbre of Hoseok’s voice rendered you speechless and you could only whine in response. He pushed the cotton aside before he  continued his previous motions. The direct contact almost felt too much, your nerve endings on fire. Your fingernails dug into the bare skin of Hoseok’s back and he let out a low growl in response. He removed his fingers from your core, leaving you a whimpering mess in his wake. His fingers found their way to the clasp of your bra before swiftly undoing it. The moment the garment left your body, insecurity flowed through you. You resisted the urge to cover up your exposed chest with your arms. Hoseok seemed to notice the doubt in your eyes and in response, smiled down at you.

“It’s okay, princess. You’re fucking perfect. There’s nothing you need to worry about.”

His words soothed you and you relaxed as his palm slowly grazed against the side of your breast. You felt his lips slowly kiss down your chest before wrapping around your nipple. The sensation was completely foreign to you and your brain completely blanked as his warm tongue delivered soft licks. His fingers came to pinch the other nipple and you let out a high pitched moan in surprise.

He soon abandoned you breasts in favor of kissing down your abdomen. Your skin tingle and his touch only served to further electrify you. Upon reaching the hem of your panties, he kissed around the edge of the band before he grasped it with his teeth. Your lustful gaze followed him as he drug the fabric down your legs at an infuriating pace. Once the underwear had joined the ever growing pile of clothes, his lips attached themselves to the inside of your thighs, leaving small, deliberate bites that you were sure would become purple marks by morning. He moved himself to comfortably sit between your legs before glancing up at you with dark eyes.

“Is this okay? I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

You whine.

“Yes, it’s fine, just please touch me.”

Permission granted, he dove in, taking a tentative lick, before the soft lips that you loved so much wrapped around your clit. He moaned at the taste and you threw your head back, unable to comprehend how you got so lucky as to have this beautiful man, laying before you, eating you out like there wasn’t a finer meal in the world.

“Princess, you taste like honey. I can’t believe you’ve been keeping this from me all these months.”

Words failed you and you responded by clenching your thighs around his head, trying to bring him closer to you. Your eyes shot open when you felt the tip of his finger gently prod at your entrance, before he slowly slipped inside. You looked down to find him gazing at you intently, trying to gage your reaction. You gave a small nod of encouragement before leaning back into the pillow. Hoseok’s finger grazed your walls just the right way and you began to feel the start of a knot forming in your lower belly.

When he deemed you ready, he slipped in a second finger to join the first and this time the stretch was a bit more painful. Once you adjusted, pleasure sang through your body and the knot began to tighten.

“Hoseok,” you eked out, “I think I’m gonna cum.”

“Yeah, baby? Well then go ahead, let it go.”

It took only a couple more well aimed thrusts of his fingers, before your core tightened around him and white hot euphoria blinded you. If you were anymore coherent, you might have been worried about his neighbors hearing your scream, but your mind is instead a foggy mess and the only thing you could think about is how much you want him inside your pussy.

After you recovered, you dragged Hoseok up to meet his lips with your own, while your hands traveled down to his belt, quickly undoing the buckle. You reached your hand into his boxers to give him a few encouraging strokes, to find him nearly fully hard. He eagerly pushed down his tight jeans and taking his underwear off with them.

“Are you one hundred percent sure about this?”

“A thousand.”

With that, he reached up to grab a condom from his bedside drawer and quickly rolled it on. You felt him line up with you and you began to feel a little nervous. Would it hurt? How much and for how long? Hoseok catched your apprehension, and reached up to gently caress your cheek.

“Hey, it’s okay love. I’ll go slow and if it hurts just let me know. It’s all about communication.”

You nodded, your nerves calmed a little. True to his word, he pushed in slowly. The stretch was indeed painful and you winced slightly at the sting. Hoseok’s hand never left your cheek, wiping away the couple tears that fell. Once he was fully seated inside you, he stopped.

“Let me know when I can move. Take all the time in the world.”

“Okay.”

He leaned down to kiss you and you stay like that for a few minutes: his lips on yours, his cock connecting you in the most intimate way possible. There was a magical feeling to it, like all the stars in the heavens had aligned in just the right way. Everything felt perfect and you never wanted to leave his bed ever again.

Eventually, the painful stretch turned into a dull burn and you gave him the go ahead to move. He started slowly, thrusts steady and strong. You let out little moans as the rest of the ache fades into a delicious pleasure. The feeling seems to be catching up to Hoseok too, because he began to lose his rhythm, releasing little groans along the way.

“Fuck, princess, you feel so good. I never wanna leave your pussy, baby.”

“Hoseok, shit, keep going. Faster, baby, faster.”

He heeded your demand and his thrusts speed up, leaving you a mess underneath him. All you could do was moan, nails digging into his back. Your feet locked around his waist in an a desperate attempt to pull him closer to you. Your cries were getting louder and his grunts had turned into moans. The knot once again began to form in your abdomen.

“Fuck, Hoseok, I’m gonna cum soon.”

“Me too, princess, me too. Fuck, you feel so good.”

Neither of you noticed the fire beginning to burn, too caught up in your embrace. It started in your hands and moved up your arms and to your chest. The heat from the flames only fueled your pleasure, your sea of euphoria drawing back to form the tsunami that is your approaching orgasm. Hoseok’s thrusts began to stutter, balls tightening, moans reaching their peak crescendo.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum. Come with me, princess. Fuck, I’m gonna, I’m gonna…”

With that your both reach your peak, your pussy clamped down on him while he filled the condom. The flames intensified, as if your climax was their own personal brand of fuel. The euphoria that washed through both of your minds is so intense that you can’t even remember your own names. As the waves begin to calm, all you can think of is Hoseok before your mind faded to black.

You blink awake only to be greeted with harsh white light. You couldn’t remember much, other than passing out after having the best orgasm of your life. You quickly come to the realization that you are no longer in Hoseok’s bed or even his apartment. Instead, you are sitting in a plush chair, that is not entirely unlike a throne. The floral sundress you were wearing at the beach is replaced with what you can only describe as the most luxurious sheet you have ever felt forming a makeshift toga of sorts.

What the hell? you think.

As your eyes finally adjust more fully to light, you find that Hoseok is sitting next you in a chair and donning a toga similar to your own. The chairs are placed at a grand marble table which is in the center of grand marble room. The roof seems to be made of glass and behind it, the source of the blinding light shines through. Across from you sits a being, who seems not to ascribe to gender but rather transcends it to become (objectively) the most beautiful human being you have ever seen.

Hobi is the first to speak, as you are too lost to form words.

“Where the fuck are we?”

The being across from you chuckles at his question, mouth opening to show glowing white teeth.

“Ah, such harsh words. I forget how crass the human mind is. You are in what I like to call a transitional space.”

“A what?”

This time it is you who asks the question.

“A transitional space.”

“Transition between what?”

Despite your question, you’re beginning to feel a sinking feeling in your stomach.

“Between this life and the next. This room exists only for us to talk and once you leave, it will never exist again.”

“Wait, go back. What were you saying about our lives?”

Judging by the look on his face, Hoseok is slowly coming to the same conclusion that you have.

“You, my loves, are dead. During the final moments of your consummation of your love, the fire that burned quietly in your soul for the duration of your life finally consumed you and left you as nothing but ashes on white sheets.”

And there it was. You were dead. You had no idea why and you had no idea who this person or thing was, but something told you that this was part of something much bigger than you would’ve ever imagined.

“And who are you?”

Hoseok looks surprisingly resigned. During the course of your relationship, you had noticed that Hoseok didn’t take well to drastic change, yet here in this room, facing the most drastic change of all, he didn’t even bother to frown.

“I am Fatum, better know to you English speakers as Fate. And you are my children.”

Both of your eyes go wide. Fate looks calmly back at you and you become faintly aware that their irises slowly change color like the colorful LED lights on Hoseok’s car stereo.

“You and your deaths are part of a saga that has been drawn out over many eons. Once long ago, I had a lover, Ordo. They were my single purpose in life, the focus of all my energy. But sadly, good things rarely last forever in this universe, and they ended up betraying me. I had no choice but to destroy them. Instead of getting rid of them completely, I took their soul, combined it with a part of mine and split it in two. Those two new souls are you.

“You became my pride and joy and slowly the pain I felt about Ordo’s loss was replaced with my abundance of love for you. In fact, I became so attached to you that I made it impossible for your souls to ever be destroyed, even by me. But then you grew older. You became wary of me and began to act out. In the end, you followed in Ordo’s footsteps betraying me and my work for the good of the universe.

“This time, however, I could not destroy you like I had with Ordo. My blind adoration for you prevented that and so I cursed you instead. For the past several eons, you have been cast onto Earth in the form of humans. Since you are technically the same soul split into two bodies, separation for long periods of time is quite emotionally draining. Lucky for you, I cursed you so that you would eventually find each other and in the presence of your other half, find the most euphoric happiness ever known.”

“Excuse me if I don’t understand how that would be considered a curse?”

Fatum turns to face you and you shiver as his eyes seem to bore through your soul, the very one he supposedly created.

“Well, you see my love, your happiness has a...let’s call it an expiration date. Humans, the silly things, always seem to succumb to intercourse when they discover who they believe to be the love of their lives. You two are certainly no exception. Your curse comes in the form of death during the...uh...climax of your first time together. You then come back here to meet me, where I have explained this story to you a thousand times over.”

“And then what?”

“And then, Hoseok, I send you back to Earth to reborn yet again as another human only to live out the same fate.”

Fatum chuckles at their own joke.

“What about the fire?”

“The fire, my dear, is the only part of your former form that you retain. Before taking the form of an infinite number of humans, you were what you people call phoenixes. Your fire resides in your soul, which you know I cannot touch. In fact, that is where I got the inspiration for your curse. You know, the whole bursting into flames before being reborn schtick.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know. What now?”

Hoseok seemed to be getting impatient with Fatum’s long story. He wasn’t good at sitting still for long periods of time and you had been sitting here for, well, you didn’t exactly know, time was somewhat elusive in this interdimensional space, but it seemed like very long.

“You get reborn obviously.”

The smile Fatum offered looked like an attempt offer a kind reprieve to the crazy story that had been forced down your throat, but it came off as chilling and a shiver was sent down your spine as a result. And then the world faded to black once more.

The fall air was chilly and you were forever grateful for warmed air of the local cafe. It was mid-October and the weather had just begun to cool off from the intense heat leftover from summer, but the mornings were just nippy enough to make you reach for an extra jacket and scarf.

Despite being seven-thirty on a Saturday morning, there was still a bit of line, and you distracted yourself by looking around the quiet cafe you had come to love. Now in your second year of college, you found that the atmosphere provided the peace you needed to study, unlike the library near your dorm. Despite strict rules to keep the noise down, there was always someone breaking them.

You finally made it to the front of the line, only to be greeted by an unfamiliar face. You frequented the place enough to know all the staff, yet before you stood a boyishly, handsome man with the brightest smile you had ever scene. Something about him struck you as familiar, but you brushed off the feeling, dismissing it as your intuition going crazy from lack of sleep.

“Hi,” he greeted you, “I’m Hoseok, what can I get for ya?”

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this. Please feel free to leave feedback. My inbox is always open to anyone. If you would like to help me determine where I head from here in terms of writing, here's a link to a survey. Thanks for reading. 

[brylcighs]

✧·ﾟ(   demeter + maia mitchell + cis female   ) 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒎𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒂 !!  have you seen (   bryleigh fox   ) around ? (   she   ) has been in kaos for (   two months   ). the (   twenty-four year old   ) is a (   baker   ) from (   boulder, colorado   ). people say they can be (   stoic   ) but maybe that’s not too bad ‘cause they can also be (   ebullient   ). whenever i think of them, i can’t help but think of (   warm blueberry muffins, black and white movies, and sunny, cloud-free mornings   ).  ·ﾟ✧  (  penned by shiloh, 21+, est, she/her   ).

trigger warnings: mental illness, ptsd, anxiety, depression, a car accident, health problems related to fertility, scars/burns, low self-esteem, drinking. ( i think that’s it, but if you run across something else triggering, pls let me know and i’ll add it to the list. )

THE MUN.

‘lo ! i’m shiloh, but you can call me shy. i’m 28, i live in the est and my preferred pronouns are she/her. 

i’m a school-based therapist and work in an elementary school. with it being summer, i don’t really have a lot going on ! so you’ll see me around quite a bit. 

i have two small puppos, minerva and newt, who are my pride and joy. p.s.: if you couldn’t tell from their names, i’m a huge harry potter fan. i also love young adult literature, i’m a true crime buff and could eat pepperoni hot pockets every day for the rest of my life. 

if you’d like to talk, you can im me on this account, on my rph @shilohrph or ask me for my discord and we can chat there !

and without further ado, allow me to introduce lil miss bryleigh. 

BASIC INFORMATION.

name: bryleigh olivia fox.

age: twenty-four.

gender/pronouns: cis femae & she/her.

orientation: panromantic pansexual. 

olympian: demeter.

occupation: head baker at physis taverna.

faceclaim: maia mitchell.

BACKGROUND.

bryleigh olivia fox was born may 8th, 1995 at 10:12am in kaos, greece to colonel william matthew fox and emma alison stewart-fox.

she has one older brother, lucas daniel fox, who is 28 and an architectural engineer. he’s married to sofia maite valdez-fox, twenty-four. they have a one-year-old daughter,  luciana irene fox. 

bryleigh also has one younger sister, peyton emelia fox, who is 20 and a college student studying communications. she’s engaged to  micah cole butler, twenty-two. they two-year-old twins addison hayley butler and aiden bryant butter. peyton is also currently 10 weeks pregnant.

because of her father’s occupation, the family has lived in different cities all over the world. besides kaos, the fox’s lived in bangkok, thailand, comayagua, honduras, misawa, japan, burkina faso, west africa,  vicenza, italy and pampanga, philippines. i made a handy dandy timeline which you can view here to better break it down.

bryleigh attended and graduated from the auguste escoffier school of culinary arts in boulder, colorado and lived there for about four years.

while living in boulder, her roommate and best friend, sofia, started dating and subsequently married her brother, lucas.

because her aesthetic is running when things get tough/complicated, bryleigh left boulder a few months after ber brother and best friend were married and moved back to kaos, greece. 

she lived in kaos for a year, living above the tavarna where she was head baker. she loved it and kinda looks back on it as the best time of her life. but a rough patch in a relationship caused her to - again - flee, returning to boulder. 

about a month after moving back to boulder, she was in a serious car accident. her vehicle slid on black ice and flipped. she almost died, but managed to pull through.

on top a concussion, many broken bones, several severe burns, some internal bleeding and innumerable cuts, scrapes, and bruises, bryleigh’s pelvis was fractured and her fallopian tubes were crushed. she also later developed  asherman’s syndrome from the surgeries/scar tissue forming. this has basically rendered her infertile. 

after the accident, bryleigh had to move in with her brother and sister-in-law/former best friend. not only did they smother bry trying to take care of her, but sofia was pregnant at the time. this served as a constant reminder of all she’d lost. 

so, as soon as she was cleared to be on her own, she told lucas and sofia that she was going to visit kaos for her birthday.

except that she was actually moving back there and didn’t want to have to deal with their worry and concern and attempts to talk her out of it. queen of running from her problems.

bryleigh has been back in kaos for about two months, and it’s not the carefree, serene place she remembered.

actually, that’s not true. it’s still the place she remembered. she’s just not the same person she once was. no matter how much she tries to pretend she is.

you can read more about her here if you feel so inclined. 

PERSONALITY. 

bryleigh is a bit of a complicated lil nugget. she’s like an onion, ya know ? she has layers. one one hand, she’s this bubbly, happy-go-lucky, upbeat ball of sunshine. but on the other hand, she’s really struggling with ptsd from the crash, as well as a good heaping of anxiety and depression. so she has times where she’s really distant and reticent.

as the ‘mom friend’, she’s always been the person that people turn to. she’s the shoulder to lean on. she’s the one who gives amazing advice. she’s the one who seems wise beyond her years. she’s the one who tells you to stop leaning back in your chair because you’re going to fall over or sets water and tylenol beside your bed after a night of partying. she cares a whole lot. like, an insane about. which is a blessing and a curse. 

what she’s struggling with post-accident is opening up about how she’s doing and how she’s really feeling, beyond the facade that she puts on for everyone. it’s like she’s physically incapable of letting people see that she’s struggling. bry doesn’t want to put that burden on anyone, ya know ? so, she’s kind of suffering in silence and bottling everything up. which is super healthy, i know. 

sarcasm and dry humor are two of her favorite coping skills. she’s also really great at self-deprecating humor !

the accident left her with quite a lot of scars and several skin grafts from having third-degree burns treated, and she’s incredibly self-conscious about them. she covers her low self-esteem up with jokes and humor, but she really is quite sensitive about her appearance. 

as i mentioned, she tends to run from her problems rather than addressing them. and if she can’t run, she makes a joke out of them and doesn’t take them seriously. or she bottles up all the emotions from the problem and pretends it’s not a big deal. i know. her coping skills are so healthy.

the only thing that bryleigh has ever wanted is to be a mom. she’s basically had baby fever since she was old enough to understand the birds and the bees. she always imagined being a stay-at-home mom, taking care of a shew of children and her husband/wife. but since the accident, she’s not sure if that’s what she still wants of her life. she no longer has no direction, and really feels like she’s floundering.

part of her is worried about having kids ( through adoption or surrogacy or on the off-chance that she can naturally conceive ) because the hate in her heart after the accident is so dark and consuming and terrifying. she feels like maybe the car accident did more than break her bones. maybe it broke her as a person. and maybe she’s not capable of loving someone now. or if she is, she’s worried that what she loves will get taken from her. and she doesn’t know if she can stand to lose anything else. 

EXTRA.

she starts every morning with a cup of black coffee and a banana nut muffin and ends every evening with a cup of peppermint tea and two homemade jaffa cakes.

bryleigh has a chocolate labrador retriever named yolo. he’s ancient. she’s not really sure how old he is, but the shelter she adopted him from said that he’d been there for several years. so, she absolutely had to take him home with her. yolo’s very loving and sweet and a lil lazy and he loves pitless olives. she has huge birthday parties for him on his gotcha day, august 12th. 

her walls are covered with abstract art from a bunch of different countries. they remind her of her childhood and everywhere she’s traveled. 

favorite thing in the world to do is have a bunch of her friends over, make a slew of homemade pizzas and desserts, pop open several bottles of rosé wine, throw pillows and blankets all over the floor and watch movies of various genres until everyone falls asleep. 

she loves 80′s music and prefers to listen to records rather than stream music or what have you. it sounds more authentic that way. at least, in her opinion. 

her apartment looks like a forest. she has plants everywhere. e v e r y w h e r e. she’s also a really good plant mom and has named all of her children. she talks to them and knows their favorite songs. maybe she’s a tad bit psychotic. who isn’t, though ?

since the accident, she’s developed a huge fear of driving. she won’t drive. ever. she either walks, rides her bike or takes an uber. if she can get away with not having to ride in a car, though, she much prefers that option. i mean, can you blame her ?

she loves astrology and tarrot readings and ghost hunts and talking about aliens and going on hunts for cryptids. she’s always thought there has to be more to life than what we can see, so she���s open to at least considering most everything, ya know ?

her closest friends call her foxy. everyone else calls her bry. some people call her bryleigh ? but i can’t imagine why. it’s a mouthful. 

send her memes and you’ll have her heart. she has a huge folder of them saved on her phone. there might or might not be more memes on her phone than actual pictures. hint: there totally is. 

bryleigh can speak english, spanish, filipino, greek, italian, thai, japanese, swahili, hausa and a little bit of a berber dialect to varying degrees of success. she’s most comfortable with english, spanish and greek, and least comfortable with the african languages. she can also write in a variety of writing systems, though not nearly as well as she can speak the languages. she’s forgotten a lot of the rules and method that go along with many of them.

PLOT IDEAS.

you can read about all my connection ideas right here !

NOTE: i’m open to pretty much anything, so if you have an idea, run it by me ! more than likely, i’ll approve and start rambling off ideas and headcanons and half-formed thoughts until you politely tell me to shut the fuck up. sounds fun, right ?

THE END.

thanks so much for reading this monster post ! i don’t know how to be concise. i’ve tried. i tried here. obviously, i failed. but i love you all. i can’t wait to write and interact with you all and your lovely, wonderful characters ! hasta la vista, baby.

[seductresses-temple]

Nine Months Brings Forth New Life

Okay! So, @rose-grangerweasleyisbae just recently had a birthday and she is honestly one of the sweetest followers ever. She always says the most beautiful, heart warming, smile inducing things so I wrote something really random for her birthday 🎂 🎁 🍰 by random I mean, I honestly opened a google doc and started writing lol. I wanted to write something...full of possibilities, I guess?

Trigger warning: Mental Health mentions and mentions of self mutilation

________________________________________

Draco sighed, plopping down ungracefully, un-Malfoy-like, into the all too familiar leather chaise. He shifted around for a moment until he deemed himself comfortable enough before lolling his head over to the side to look at Clara who was gazing at him with her typical, bemused expression. He smiled at her tiredly, even he could feel that it didn’t quite reach his eyes, but at least he was trying.

“Hello, Draco,” Clara said after a moment “nice to see that you’re punctual as always. You look a bit tired, still having trouble sleeping?”

Draco nodded, locks of hair falling over his eyes. “Another nightmare, some days I feel like they’re getting out of control since I stopped taking the Dreamless Sleep.”

Clara nodded, jotting the information down in a small leather bound pad she kept practically glued to her lap. “Would you like to talk about the nightmare? Was it about the war again, or your father?”

Lucius. Draco could appreciate that Clara never said his name anymore. It brought Draco too many emotions to keep under control. Ever since the war had ended, Draco’s relationship with his father had been non-existent. It was his father’s fault that he and his mother had gotten dragged into the whole ‘serving the Dark Lord’ nonsense. It had been his father’s fault that they’d had to house a blood-thirsty lunatic in their home. Draco’s stomach began to churn just thinking of all the things he’d born witness to while the Dark Lord haunted the halls of Malfoy Manor. To make matters worse, Draco and his mother had nearly been carted off to Azkaban thanks to trying to keep their heads above water in the situation his father had put them in. If it hadn’t been for Potter...Draco was afraid to think what would have happened if it hadn’t been for Potter…

“Draco?” Clara’s voice pulled Draco out of his thoughts. He did that a lot now. Spaced out. Got inside of his head and drifted away from the outside world. It was something he and Clara were trying to work on. Seeing a Mind Healer was part of the terms and conditions involved that kept him and his mother out of Azkaban. One of many conditions.

“It was about my father,” Draco sighed, running a shaky hand through his hair. He’d cut it when his father -ragged and screaming like a raving lunatic- denounced both he and his mother as he was carted off to Azakan with a life-long sentence. It had started with the left side, then the right. Now he’d taken to keeping the sides shaved, the middle long -down to his jaw- and streaked with various shades of light blue. His father had a conniption the first time he saw it. It was so feminine, so queer, so very un-Malfoy. Draco loved it and he loved how much his father hated it.

“What about your father?” Clara had such a soothing voice. Draco loved it. He confessed after a few months of seeing her that her voice reminded him of his mother. Clara was gentle and patient and seemed genuinely concerned about his welfare. The wizarding world spit upon the name Malfoy, it was nice to feel cared for.

“I came out to him. It was such an odd dream. We were in a muggle coffee shop, of all places, my father hates both coffee and muggles so it all seemed surreal and out of place. I sat down in front of my father and watched him sneer at my hair and my clothes and my coffee and I just sort of blurted it out…” Draco fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, frowning.

“You can say it Draco. This is a safe space. I think it would be healthy for you to be able to say the words aloud. They aren’t bad words, you just have a negative association to them because that’s what you were raised to think. Your father raised you to believe they’re something to be ashamed of, Draco, but we’ve talked about this. You don’t have to live your life by his definitions anymore, you’re free to live life on your own terms.” Clara stared at him, her yellow eyes watching him carefully like a hawk. Draco was vaguely reminded of Madam Hooch, her eyes trained to the sky, protective and alert, making sure to catch any of the first years should they fall off their broom. There was a safety in that, something rooted so deeply in Draco that he barely understood it. It made him feel safe, brought him back to a point in his life before his world got blown apart.

“I told my father I’m gay,” he whispered. If he weren’t so bloody tired he most likely would have cringed at how small and insignificant he sounded. He sounded like a child sharing a secret that, well..wasn’t a secret. Pretty much everyone knew. His father certainly knew long before Draco did. His father had always done his best to snuff out that side of him.

A black wardrobe. No color. No life. No expression. End of story.

A lack of affection from his father. No love. No smiles. No hugs. No warmth between men because that would be wrong. End of story.

His father drove him to quidditch. A manly sport. Something physical because he’d kill them both before he had a dancer for a son. If Narcissa took Draco to one more ballet, he was shipping Draco off to Durmstrang. End of story.

His father had taken control of his narrative, at least that’s how Clara put it. Draco quite liked that analogy. He liked reading, liked thinking about his life as a book that wasn’t quite finished yet. His father had written the first half but Draco, well, he could write the second half however he wanted. He liked that.

“What happened after that? How did your father react?”

“He mutated.”

“E-Excuse me?” Clara leaned forward a little, making sure she heard Draco correctly.

“He mutated, the dreamscape changed and suddenly I wasn’t in a muggle cafe with my father anymore, I was in the Hogwarts Great Hall surrounded by the rest of my ‘peers’ and they were...being very vocal about my new appearance,” Draco gestured down to his outfit; black wingtips, tailored, royal purple pants with a matching button down, a grey marled sweater vest, and plum, purple, grey, and black, paisley bow tie.

“So they resorted to name-calling?” Clara raised an eyebrow at him, an expectant, maternal look on her face. She was a stickler for not allowing Draco to get away with vague answers.

“No.”

“Draco,” Clara sighed ever so quietly, glancing at the clock “it’s your hour, Draco, and I understand these things are hard to talk about. Examining our emotions and coming to terms with things that go against what we’ve known and been taught our entire lives is no easy feat. However, you’ve been making such tremendous progress lately, you honestly have, if you’d rather table this discussion for the moment and move on to something else, I support that decision but with you leaving for Hogwarts in a few days, I think this is something we should try to tackle. I’m going to go put the kettle on, would you like a cup of tea?”

“Sure,” Draco murmured, nodded absently. He was already lost in thought by the time Clara left the room. He knew she was right, not that he particularly wanted to admit it. She was so like his mother in that way, speaking logic and reasoning into him even when it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Draco was afraid to go back to Hogwarts. He didn’t want to admit that either. They all hated him and rightfully so. What was the point of going back? It wasn’t like anyone in the wizarding world would higher him all because he sat for his N.E.W.T.S. He was still a Malfoy, for now anyhow, until his father found out he wouldn’t be carrying on the Malfoy name. Not with a woman at least. He sighed, sinking further into the chaise. He didn’t hear Clara come back into the room until the familiar chink of china on wood snapped him back into reality.

“Thank you,” he sat up just enough to take his cup, running a finger over the rim “I’m…” he refused to say scared. “I’m worried about returning to Hogwarts, worried that they’ll all see how much I’ve changed, worried they’ll be able to tell that I’m...gay.” He took a careful, steady sip from his tea, staring down into the cup to avoid Clara. He didn’t want anyone at Hogwarts to know he was gay. They knew too much about him already. Draco sodding Malfoy, ex-death eater, co-conspirator to the death of Dumbledore, prime suspect of the near-deaths of Katie Bell and Ronald Weasley, pompous git, Slytherin Ice King, and the cold-hearted carbon copy of ruthless murder Lucius Malfoy. Parents were already complaining as it. Death Eater children back roaming the halls of Hogwarts? Preposterous! It was bad enough the Ministry was forcing them back to Hogwarts as part of their ‘rehabilitation’ into society, Draco could only imagine what the parents would do if they found out a queer ex-death eater was in their mists.

“I don’t think it would be so bad if they saw you’ve changed, Draco,” Clara took a sip of her tea, giving him that maternal, expectant stare as if he were a small child struggling to discern that two plus two does indeed equal four.

“Wasn’t it you who said, and I quote ‘changing into the man I’ve always felt I should be without my father lurking over every decision I make is one of the best things to ever happen to me?’ or do you no longer feel that way?” Clara continued to stare over the rim of her cup.

Draco remembered that session. Vividly. It was shortly after he had dyed his hair, not too long after his breakdown that had landed him in Mungos for two weeks. Draco learned the hard way that slicing your Dark Mark off landed you in a very cozy room in St.Mungos that just so happened to have white padded walls. “I did say that,” Draco murmured, glancing down at his arm.

“You have changed so much, Draco, made so much progress and have blossomed into a completely different person than the young man I met nine months ago. I think there can be some symbolism in that, nine months, women carry their children to term for nine months and then they birth a new life into the world. You, Draco, carried your trauma for the past nine months and you birthed a new version of yourself into the world. Going back to Hogwarts is your opportunity to foster that new life. It doesn’t have to be a death sentence.”

********************

“You look dashing, sweetheart,” Narcissa smiled sweetly, coming over to Draco and running her fingers through his hair, mussing it up a tiny bit.

“Thank you, mother,” Draco tried to smile but only managed a twitch of the lips. He bent down to grab his school trunk. He’d have to carry it as he wasn’t allowed a wand again until he was on school property. His mother had been kind enough to cast a wandless lightening charming on it.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you, Draco? Between the reporters, the students, the other students, I-” Draco held up a hand to stop her.

“I know you’re worried, mother, but I’ll be fine. They don’t need to put us both in the paper. I’ll write the moment I’m able and at least once a week after. Clara has spoken to Headmistress McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey and its been arranged for me to have my sessions at Hogwarts each week. I’ll…”he kissed her forehead tenderly “I’ll be alright, mother.”

Narcissa nodded, blonde curls bobbing softly. She stared at him, long and imploringly, her blue eyes searching for something. What, Draco wasn’t entirely sure, but he felt small and incredibly young under her gaze. “I love you so,” she whispered, clasping onto his arm, over the spot where his Dark Mark once stood “if you need anything, anything at all, just write home and I’ll come running.” She pulled him into a nearly bone crushing hug, kissing his cheek before letting him leave out the door.

“I love you too, Mother. Everything will be fine,” Draco wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince her or himself. All he knew was the night he sliced the Dark Mark off his arm had left them both changed people. It was scary, leaving the comfort of their little bubble, but they would both be better for it. That’s what their Mind Healers kept telling them. By the time Draco came back at Christmas the Manor would be renovated, cleansed, completely different. He hoped he’d return in much the same condition; renovated, cleansed, different.

********************

Kings Cross Station brought about everything Draco had been expecting. He’d been hexed...twice, booed at, spat at, and the vultures from the Daily Prophet had a field day with the drama his mere presence had caused. The only sanctuary he had within it all was that no one wanted to sit with him so he’d managed to find an empty compartment and settle into it. People glared and sneered as they passed by but once the train began moving he felt as though he was finally able to exhale. Pansy, Blaise, and Theo were all headed to Hogwarts by other means which meant he’d be alone the entire trip. Draco wasn’t sure whether to panic or find solace in that but he had to deal with it all the same. He set his robes on the seat next to him and pulled out a muggle book he’d begun reading and curled up in his seat, praying beyond hope that at least the train ride could be uneventful before he spent the next year surrounded by people who’d much prefer if he were dead.

“Malfoy,” Draco wanted to curse, recognizing the voice instantly. He slid his bookmark in to hold his place and looked up into shockingly bright emerald eyes.

“Potter,” he greeted, taking a concentrated effort to keep his voice low and level.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Potter gestured toward the empty seat across from him.

Draco eyed Potter, taking in his appearance. He’d changed in the past nine months. His hair had gotten longer, long enough to completely cover his scar and long enough for him to have a long, thick plait that sat over his shoulder. Apparently Potter had a sense of fashion now. Draco took note of the dragon hide boots and fitted black trousers, the leather jacket that seemed far too big for him but in a devil-may-care sort of way. He wasn’t wearing his glasses anymore either. “Suit yourself,” Draco couldn’t help but feel his curiosity being piqued by this Potter. There was something about him that Draco couldn’t place. An energy that seemed to crackle around him, pulling Draco in, and he felt helpless to stop it.

“I’ve a question for you, Malfoy, this thing that’s just burning in my mind for far too long.”

Draco quirked an eyebrow at him. Since when did Potter speak so openly with him? They had never been friendly. Draco had gone out of his way to make the other boy miserable for far too long. “So you get...clarity of some sort and I?” Draco trailed off, making a flippant gesture with his hand. Old habits died hard with Potter, apparently. However, much to Draco’s surprise, the git had the nerve to smile. Not just smile, but to throw his head back and laugh.

“I thought you might say that,” Potter grinned at him, eyes twinkling in a way that was insufferable reminiscent of Dumbledore. He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out an incredibly thin, long box. It could only be one thing and Draco felt his heart clutch painfully in his chest. Potter still had his wand after all this time...He’d managed to convince himself that Potter must have thrown it out, broke it, set it on fire, the scenario was different in his head every time.

“What is it you want to know?” Draco’s voice came out in barely a whisper.

Potter held the box with both hands, leaning forward, whispering conspiratorially “You knew it was me. Why?”

Draco’s breath hitched in his throat. He never thought he’d be confronted with this. He never anticipated Potter wanting to know why. It was something he had only ever spoken to Clara about and even that hadn’t come easily. He swallowed thickly, staring at his wand in Potter’s hands. He was cradling it gently as if it were something precious. It was precious to Draco but he didn’t know if it was worth spilling one of his biggest secrets. He stared at Potter, into those same green eyes that had stopped him in his track that night. “Because I’m in love with you,” he whispered breathlessly, the words rushing out his mouth before he could think about how incredibly stupid it was to say so.

“Oh, bugger off, Malfoy,” Potter laughed, a big bark of a laugh that seemed to make the entire compartment brighter. He shook his head, his braid swinging on his shoulder. “Fine, don’t tell me, but I’m not letting this go.” Potter stood up, using the box containing Draco’s wand to give him a little salute before marching out the door.

Draco sat there in stunned silence. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and then snapped it shut. He’d just told Potter he loved him. What in Merlin’s name was wrong with him? As if his life wasn’t difficult enough. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the erratic, hyperactive thump of his heart.

“Oh buggering fuck, kill me now,” Draco whispered to the empty compartment. He’d just confessed feelings he’d kept buried for four years and he hadn’t even gotten to Hogwarts yet. It was going to be an incredibly long year. A long year full of Potter and his nonsense and his...green eyes…”buggering fuck,” Draco groaned. It was going to be a long, long year.

[toxoiddiamond]

T H E B A S I C S

Given Name: Jaxon Elliot Weaver

Nicknames: Jax, J.E. Weaver (the name used on all his published works)

Age: 37

Birthday: June 1st

Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Birthplace: Houston, Texas

Current Location: Venfolk, North Carolina

Speaks: English

Dominant Hand: Right

Education: He has a Masters in English Literature

Occupation: He's the author of several best-selling novels, and sometimes teaches literature and creative writing classes at Nash Community College. He has a recognizable name, but people don't usually know his face, so he doesn't get stopped on the street or anything.

Vehicle: Red 2016 Volkswagen Golf. He picked it out because it's nice looking, while still being a good family car, and also being very safe.

Worldly Possessions: A nice laptop, dozens of notebooks filled with ideas and story outlines, and an old typewriter he never uses but which his father gave to him as a gift. He also has a few photo albums/scrapbooks his wife put together, with lots of pictures of their family/their kids, but he hasn't been able to look at them since she passed away.

Pet(s): None at the moment, but his kids have been begging for a puppy or kitten, and he's on the verge of giving in.

A P P E A R A N C E

Height: 6'0"

Hair: Since his wife died, he hasn't kept his hair as neatly trimmed as he used to, and it's gotten a bit long and unruly. It's a sandy brown sort of color, with some gray mixed in.

Facial Hair: Again, he used to keep his beard neatly trimmed, but he's stopped caring about it as much and now he kinda has a mountain man look going on, and there is a lot of gray in his beard, which his kids sometimes tease him about.

Eye Colour: A very striking, crystal-clear blue. He gots quite a lot of comments about his eyes.

Skin Tone: He tries to go out in the sun at least occasionally, especially with his kids. So he's not pasty, but he is a bit on the pale side.

Clothing: He dresses like a grandpa. Cardigans, khakis/jeans, soft t-shirts and lots of plaid. He wears slippers around the house, which his daughter gives him a really hard time about.

Distinguishing Marks: He has a small tattoo on his wrist of three different dates-- his wedding day, and the birthdates of both of his children. His wife had a matching one on her wrist. He also has a tattoo over his heart of a red carnation surrounded by forget-me-nots, which he got a few weeks after his wife passed away.

Face Claim: Chris Pine

H E A L T H

Physical Health: Not too bad. He could probably take better care of himself, but he gets a decent amount of exercise, doesn't eat too terribly, and is mostly healthy. Most of his physical issues stem from his mental issues (particularly his extreme fatigue and his frequent migraines), and once he's able to deal with said issues, he'll be okay.

Physical Abilities/Limitations: His eyesight is not so good, probably due to sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end/reading in dim light when he really shouldn't. He has glasses, which he should wear all the time, but he insists he doesn't need them unless he's reading/writing.

Addictions: None, except maybe caffeine. It's hard for him to fully wake up unless he has a cup of coffee or an energy shot.

Allergies: No allergies, lucky for him.

Mental Health: Right now, it's not great. He's hanging in there, but his wife's death hit him really hard and he hasn't been able to get past it. It's been almost two years, but he's still very depressed over it, unable to let go. The only thing that's kept him going is his kids. He loves them more than anything, and has done his best to make sure they're taken care of, make sure they've been able to deal with the death of their mother (including ongoing therapy for both of them), be involved with their lives, etc. If he would show himself the same attention and care/if he went to therapy himself, then he would be much better off than he is now.

H I S T O R Y

Job History: His first job was at Blockbuster Video, as a teenager. He did a couple of internships during his college years, and published his first novel shortly before he graduated, which turned out to be a bestseller, much to his surprise. He spent a while doing book signing tours, before settling down, finding a job teaching creative writing at a community college, and buckling down to work on his next novel.

Fondest Memories: His wedding day. The birth of their daughter. The day they adopted their son and brought him home. All the family trips they took together. Countless little happy moments with his wife and his children.

Worst Experiences: By far, the worst experience of his life was finding out his wife, Hazel, had stage four breast cancer. Her treatment, watching her condition get worse and worse, and eventually losing her, absolutely devastated him.

C O M M U N I C A T I O N

Speech Pace/Style: Jax is very easygoing and laid back when he talks, never really raises his voice or anything. I wouldn't necessarily say he's a smooth-talker, but he doesn't often stumble over his words or anything.

Accent: He used to have a southern accent, but he actively worked to get rid of it during high school. Now it only comes out if he's really, really tired or if he has a few drinks. No one would guess he's from Texas just by listening to him, though.

Favorite Phrases or Words: Whenever he sends his kids off to school (or anywhere else) he always tells them to "be good, and be safe." They say it along with him now and kinda roll their eyes, but he still says it anyway~

Usual Curse Words: As much as he's tried to take curse words out of his regular vocabulary, he can't help but let the f-word slip out sometimes.

P E R S O N A L I T Y, M I N D S E T, A N D B E L I E F S

Personality Type: INFP-T

Sense of Humor: Honestly, he is just full of dad jokes. He loves making horrible puns and saying things that make his daughter groan and his son laugh~ So basically, he has a terrible sense of humor.

Habits: He bites his nails like crazy, but has been trying to stop because he knows it's an awful habit. He talks to himself a lot, especially when he's trying to think up ideas or work out the kinks in a description or a line of dialogue.

Fears/Phobias: Anything happening to either of his children-- that would just really destroy him. Or anything happening to him, and his children being left without both their parents. Although there is a plan in place for them if that should ever happen, it still makes him sick to think of it.

Strengths: Jax is a very responsible person-- he didn't used to be, but ever since he got married and had children, he worked hard to stay on top of things, especially anything relating to his kids' wellbeing. He never forgets to pay bills, sign permission slips, etc. He is also involved with both his kids' lives, always encouraging them to pursue their interests, signing them up for activities they may be interested, and always attending any performance/recital/presentation they're part of. He spends as much time with them as possible-- they have a family day every weekend, even if it's just staying in and watching a movie. He is, of course, a gifted writer, and has quite a way with words. He used to write love letters for his wife that made her swoon, and any future partner of his (Ren~~) can expect similar expressions of love.

Flaws: Although he is a responsible person, and takes great care of his kids, Jax has a tendency to forget to take care of himself. He forgets to eat a lot, especially when he's working, and he never gets enough sleep. He puts everyone else in his life before himself, though he really should put himself first on occasion and do something for his own enjoyment. Whenever he's depressed, or even if he just gets really absorbed in something he's working on, Jax will shut other people out. Even his kids know when something's up, because even though he's physically there for them, he's emotionally unavailable and closed off. He doesn't mean to be that way, and often doesn't realize he's doing it. But it's not unusual for him to disappear from his friends/loved ones lives for days or even a week or two while he works his shit out.

Hopes/Desires: He wants his kids to grow up happy and healthy, and to have good lives, whatever that may mean for them. He wants to be able to support them financially through their college/young adult years and give them security and peace of mind, that no matter what, he'll always be there to help them if they need it. He also really wants to be able to find someone to share his life with, though it's still hard for him to imagine that and he feels guilty whenever he thinks of being with someone else.

Self-Esteem: All things considered, it's not bad. He doubts himself a lot, especially when it comes to being a parent now that his wife isn't there to help him make decisions. But he's aware that he's not doing too badly, and tries not to be too hard on himself. When it comes to his writing/work, he's aware that he's good at what he does, but he's very humble about it and never brags about his success.

Religion: He used to believe in some kind of higher power. Now, he's not so sure.

R A N D O M

Sleeping Position: On his side, usually hugging a pillow to his chest.

Boxers or Briefs?: Boxers.

Day or Night?: Day. He much prefers going out, spending time with his kids, finding various distractions, as opposed to sleepless nights and nightmares.

Top or Bottom?: Either, really? I think he'd just wanna switch it up a lot, or do whatever his partner wants.

Partying or Relaxing?: He does okay at parties, but doesn't love them. Unless, of course, they're birthday parties for his kids, he loves those~ But generally, he prefers to relax.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Closest Friend: Besides his brothers, his closest friend is his coworker from the community college, Shaun. They've been close for several years, and are close enough that their kids each refer to each other as "Uncle Shaun/Uncle Jax."

Relationship History: Jax dated around a lot in high school and during his first couple years of college, but was never very serious with anyone until he met Hazel. Things just seemed to click between them, and he fell for her fast and hard, before he even realized what was happening. They got married as soon as he got back from his first book tour, and settled down together.

Sexual Partners: Not a whole lot, maybe five or six. He was never the type to sleep around a lot or have one night stands.

Thoughts About Sex: He thinks sex is pretty great. He went through some confusion about his sexuality during his college years, during the time he was dating Hazel, as he started to realize/accept the fact that he was attracted to both men and women. Hazel was very supportive in helping him figure himself out, and Jax now identifies as pansexual, though he sometimes forgets that he's not straight, after thinking he was straight for most of his life~

P A R E N T S

Name(s): Deacon and Charlotte Weaver

Age(s): 63 and 62

Occupation(s): His father is an attorney, and his mother was a nurse but she's retired now. His father also intends to retire in a couple of years.

Religion: They're Christian, but not fanatics. They believe in god and think Jesus was pretty great, and they only go to church on Easter and Christmas.

Quality of Relationship With Their Children: Very good. They love their children and are proud of all of them. When Jax came out to them, they were very loving and accepting (though they were also quite surprised), and though they do occasionally say offensive things, they're always quick to apologize if Jax calls them out on it.

Living/Deceased: Both living.

S I B L I N G S

Name(s): Sterling Weaver, Casey Weaver

Age(s): 39 and 31

Occupation(s): Sterling is the head chef at a very successful restaurant in New Jersey. Casey spent a few years teaching English in Japan, and now he's a Japanese teacher at Texas State University.

Religion: Both are still religious, but like their parents, they're not fanatical.

Quality of Relationship With Their Family: Very good. They all talk on a regular basis, and after Hazel died, both of Jax's brothers came to see him and stayed with him for a couple of weeks. They all pay each other visits whenever they can, and they all go to see their parents on Easter and Christmas (they take turns having their parents over for Thanksgiving).

W I F E

Name(s): Hazel Weaver

Age: She was nearly 35 when she passed away.

Occupation: She was the stage director for the Imperial Centre for the Arts and Sciences, over in Rocky Mount. She absolutely loved her job, and Jax went to every single production/play to support her.

Religion: She believed in god, but wasn't particularly religious.

Quality of Relationship With Her Family: It was fantastic. They were a sickeningly adorable family, and they all loved each other.

Living/Deceased: She died of breast cancer; by the time she was diagnosed, it was already advanced and had begun to spread. She only lived for about a year after her diagnosis.

C H I L D R E N

Name(s): Paige and Liam Weaver

Age(s): 12 and 7

Interests: Paige is very into science, and likes doing experiments and reading about anything that catches her interest. She also likes to write poetry, though she doesn't often show it to anyone. Jax and Hazel signed her up for karate when she was five, and she still does it and likes it, though her life doesn't revolve around it. Liam is still discovering what his interests are, but one thing is certain-- he likes to be the center of attention. He loves drawing and showing off whatever he draws, and he's been in a couple of school plays and had a great time. He also takes karate lessons because he wanted to do what Paige was doing, though he's kind of been losing interest in it.

D A I L Y L I F E

Living Arrangements: He owns a nice, modest, two-story house in the suburbs of Venfolk. Each of his children has their own room, and he has a small study where he writes, though he hasn't done much writing since Hazel died. The house has a very lived-in, cozy vibe, with lots of cushy furniture, and though everything is clean, it's not too clean.

[justoneday-namjoonii]

Di piano e forte 06

pt. 1 ↠  pt. 2 ↠ pt. 3 ↠ pt. 4 ↠ pt. 5 ↠ pt. 6

↠Summay: Piano; A keyboard of cypress, played with soft and loud. Was it the ivory and onyx keys that let you escape from your reality…Or was it the man with sable hair and ivory skin. 

↠Genre: Angst, fluff. M.

↠Warnings: This fic contains slight domestic and verbal abuse as well as mature subjects. 

author’s note: I was feeling this omg the embarrassment the oc feels is real. idk if anyone is following this story but i can’t stop writing it. but this might be the last chapter :3

She wouldn’t say it but I knew she was shaken up. I wasn’t gonna bring it up but I heard someone at the party called police on that bastard, for assaulting her. I figured they’d want to talk to her, and her no-good brother, but something in me just wanted to keep her from that crushing reality, just for a few moments. 

“You’re up early...” 

You jumped a little, startled by the fact that Yoongi was still wide awake. You came out of the bedroom, seeing him still laying on the couch, drinking tea. The air was admittedly awkward until you properly acknowledged his presence.

“Yeah, um, I just need some water...are you okay? You look like you’ve been awake for a while.” You spoke in a low voice, walking towards the kitchen so you could get some water. He watched you, diligently opening the case of water on the counter.

”I do this a lot at night, I haven’t been sleeping well...”

”Oh...Is everything okay?” You stood in front of his bedroom door, opening the bottle of water to take a small sip. His gaze kind of frightened you for a second. He has innocent, cute small eyes along with a pretty face with adorable soft features. But at the same time he looked so intimidating, so stable and strong—how could someone look so contradicting to his own self?

”I’m sorry, it’s none of my business...I’ll go back to bed...”

”Wait, can I talk to you?...” You were caught off guard by the request but you walked over to him nonetheless, sitting a few inches away from him on the now warm couch from him laying on it.

”Sure...” You sat your water bottle on the coffee table and sat back.

”Look, I wasn’t trying to force you to stay with us. I know you probably weren’t too keen on coming here but I don’t know, where else would you have gone? Y’know? that’s all I was thinking...” He had pure intentions, he wanted to make sure you were safe.

”No, I appreciate it. I didn’t want to bother Mel at such a late hour so I wouldn’t have had anywhere else to go...” When you looked at him, he was licking his lips, twiddling his fingers uncharacteristically.

”I don’t talk about this much but I thought I’d share it with you, I might as well.” He sighed, the expression not faltering in the slightest. “My mom is sick.”

Your brows scrunched up in worry. “Oh my gosh, is she?...”

”Not like cancer or anything but mentally, y’know? She used to have a drug problem but now she’s at a rehabilitation center. I can’t get any sleep because she might not be there for long...”

”What'd you mean?” You tilted your head a bit, waiting for him to further explain.

”My parents are separated, they’ve been for years now, but legally they’re still married. She’s under his healthcare but he got into a relationship and now he’s thinking about divorcing her...If he does that she can’t stay at the center anymore and she’s beginning to make progress. She can’t go anywhere else...I have to talk to him but I’m avoiding it...” Yoongi held his head in his hand, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Have you talked to her about it?...”

“I call her every once in a while but I haven’t seen her in months, mainly because she can’t bear to see me...She blames herself for every single one of my issues and seeing me just- it just brings back bad memories...She’s not ready for that yet, and I don’t blame her...” He sat back, letting out an exasperated sigh.

“Wow...I’m sorry you’re going through that, it must be a lot to handle...” You glanced at him and he was just eyeing you, his eyes looking soft but sad in a way.

“Yeah...” He got up abruptly. “Do you want some fresh air? I need some.” He cleared his throat, and walked towards what looked like a balcony—you didn’t even notice it when you first came in. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and some sweat pants, kind of similar to what he gave you to wear. When you two walked out on the patio, you were in awe that you could see the whole city, alive and breathing in the wake of night. There were two comfortable chairs but he instead stood at the edge of the steel railing, eyes shutting as the breeze blew lightly over him. 

“Look at me,” He let out a sigh. “complaining about my problems when you have plenty of your own...” He laughed under his breath.

“It's okay, I’m just glad you trust me enough to tell me about it...” 

“About earlier, I shouldn’t have done that, I feel like I took advantage of you at a vulnerable point...” The confession kind of shocked you, given it was only a kiss and you thought he may have forgotten about it.

“If I didn’t want you to do it I wouldn’t have let you, it was just a kiss...” You were now twiddling your fingers anxiously, your heart beating a tinge faster than normal. “Do you regret it?”

“To be completely honest, I don’t know.” 

“Oh...” Why did his response make you feel dissatisfied?—Or maybe you were expecting a yes or no answer, not ‘I don’t know’. You had to think about it if he were to ask you the same question you’d most probably have the same answer.

“Is that okay? To not know how you feel about something...” He was asking you as if you had any clue about relationships like this. “Because I don’t think I want to know...” He looked down, his head hung low in dismay.

“I guess you don’t have to know...” There was a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table and he reached for them. He was taken aback when you placed your hand over his, stopping him from grabbing the pack.

”You...You shouldn’t smoke...” He looked up at him and his eyes darkened, making you cower back a little. “It’s not good for you...”

“Y/n, it’s pretty evident that I don’t smoke to better my health, I’m an adult...” He set the pack down and took one out anyways, not lighting it, just holding it between his similarly white fingers. “I know it’s bad but I don’t do it often, just every now and then, it helps me get my mind off of things.” 

“Oh,” You retracted your hand, “well, we all have our outlets I guess...” You sighed, holding the sleeve of your shirt to your nose. He exhaled deeply, sitting the little white stick on the table.

“I think I’ll head back to bed...” You stood up, taking a deep breath before sighing. “You should too.”

“I would if I could, but I really can’t sleep.” He spoke slowly, picking up the cigarette again. You walked to stand directly in front of him, his half-lidded eyes almost looking upset. “Well, you don’t have to sleep alone...” You extended your hand to him, that being the bravest things you’ve done all night. He looked at your hand, wondering if you were suggesting what he assumed you were suggesting. 

“Do you know what you’re implying?...” He asked, still not reaching for your hand, you nodded. You knew exactly what you were implying and Yoongi wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. You had just gone through a lot in one night, this may or may not be appropriate.

 In spite of that, he took your hand and he let you lead him to his bedroom. You were kind of hesitant but you were starting to feel things for Yoongi, things you didn’t want to say aloud but wanted to express them somehow. You released his hand and stood in front of the bed, intimidated now that you were in here, what if this was awkward? What if he didn’t feel the same? He looked to you, furrowing his brows when he really grasps the idea of doing this.

“Let’s just sleep, okay?” His warm hands went to your back but before you knew it you had you pushed him on the bed, making him grunt in surprise. His hands instinctively went to your waist, keeping you from completely smothering him with your own body. You straddled him and cupped his face with both hands, admiring his small eyes and soft features, before pressing your lips to his. What is she doing?—His hands left your waist and he froze. His expression went blank and he wasn’t returning the affection, you found yourself panicking, why isn’t he doing anything? Does he not want me?...

He was tempted, he really was, but this can’t happen. He knew you probably didn’t even think of the potential consequences of doing this but he did, as much as he would enjoy it, it can’t happen. His breath was shallow and his movements were languid, making you nervous beyond what you imagined. You deepened the kiss, almost forcing him to kiss you back, at least he gave you that. He felt so bad, he could sense neediness and desperation seeping from you—this was dangerous. “Y-Yoongi...” You spoke in a whisper. “Yoongi, please...” Your voice was almost pitchy and you were out of breath.

“We shouldn’t do this Y/n...” He tried to still your movements but you whined in response, he was saying things contrary to what he was feeling. His hands on your waist and his thumbs pressed into your stomach as if to keep you at bay. “Fuck, Y/n-” His breath hitched when you pressed against him.

“I want to Yoongi.” You tried to get him to give in with kisses and caresses—but he was about to die, you honestly didn’t know how hard it was to reject you like this. “I really do, please...”

“No, I need you to stop...” That was really harsh and it struck a raw nerve, making you tense. He swallowed. “No.” He grabbed your arms firmly, looking you in the eye to let you know how serious he was. “I’m sorry, but no, it’s not the right time...I don’t want to hurt you, so no, I’m sorry....” He saw the look in your eye, your heart was shattering into pieces and he had never felt so bad about telling someone no.

“Hurt me?...” Your eyes were getting teary and you covered your mouth with your hands. This was a mistake...You were shaking out of your control. You sat up and covered your mouth, you were resisting the urge to bolt over to the bathroom and lock yourself in there. The rejection was eating away at your insides and shame along with that, tears threatened to leave your eyes. “You can’t hurt me...I’ve been hurt by everyone who is supposed to love me, I know what it feels like to hurt. I just wanted to know what being loved feels like by someone I trust, just once...” You had to stop yourself from sobbing.

“I know you just want to forget about what’s happened but this isn’t the way to do it, this will only make it worse...” He sat beside you, “Real love isn’t a feeling that manifests from physical intimacy, love is the fate for two people to find...I don’t think those two people are us, not now at least...I just don’t know and I want to be sure about something as serious as that.” He sighed, lying back and bed as he curled into a ball about 2 feet away from him.. “Look, I care about you, okay? I don’t want you to regret this... ” He was literally trying to save you and that’s why it hurt so much. You were sure that if he were any other man he would’ve done it, but he just wouldn’t.

“What makes you think I’ll regret it? How could you possibly know that? You don’t know, Yoongi. You’re telling me how to face my problems but you smoke to forget about your problems, you’re a hypocrite...” You bit down on your bottom lip anxiously. “Is it me? My body?...”

“No, God, no.” He felt awful that he had to do that but he knew you’d be thanking him later. “I swear, it’s not you Y/n, I think you’re beautiful, really...Anyone would be lucky to have you but I’m not letting you do this unless you know you’re sure, and I don’t believe you do...” He licked his lips, ruffling his hair a bit. “Shit, please don’t hate me for this...”

Could he have let you down any harder? Yoongi was like a savior to you, you saw him as the closest thing to love and now you just felt empty. A few minutes of silence went by and his gaze fell on you, seeing that you were still awake he started to regret what he had said. He placed his hand on your shoulder, you looked back with furrowed brows.

“Don’t try to touch me now...My pride is hurt...” You mumbled. He laughed a little, even now you were cute. Without saying anything he wrapped his arm around your waist. “L-let go...” You punched lightly at his arms, groaning when you felt him nuzzled his head into your shoulder. “Stop, Yoongi, let go...” He sighed, holding the front of your shirt in his hand and curling behind you. You saw the sun was trying to come up, take the precious night time from you, when would you ever be able to do this again? “Shh...” He pulled the cover over the both of you and he said nothing, he just held you against him tightly, breathing lightly against your skin. You had a scent of spices, sugar, vanilla, pistachio, and mousse...

You woke up under his heavy limb, he was lying down with his arm resting on your hip. You had to process the fact that you were waking up in bed with your piano teacher. 

Footsteps approached the door quickly and you heard the door open.

“Yoongi, I’m headed out- oh...” Suddenly you heard Namjoon and you tried to hide behind Yoongi, the door closed seconds after that. Namjoon was guilty of barging into Yoongi’s room because it was just the two of them. That’s why he was so shocked to find you in bed together, but for some reason seeing Yoongi with you took some stress off of him. He could rest assured that at least the two of you had each other right now.

 Luckily, Yoongi wasn’t awakened by the sound so you were able to save yourself the embarrassment by pretending you were asleep. Without a sound, not that he would’ve heard you since he slept like a log, you rolled out of bed. The humiliation from last night began to set it and you suddenly wanted to get out of his bedroom.

Last night he had said there was a new toothbrush for you in his bathroom—he was so kind to think of something small like that, or maybe he didn’t want to be around someone with day older breath. As much as you would’ve liked to stay, you needed to get home and get your life together, you couldn’t stay here forever. When you got to the bathroom you discarded the clothes he lent you and put on the ones from yesterday, you wished they were clean though. You looked over at the bed, and he stirred a bit. You found that he looked so peaceful and innocent when he slept, it was cute. You knew Yoongi had a piano somewhere so you took it upon yourself to go look for it. 

You found it, sitting in what looked like a small studio, ou hoped he wouldn’t mind you going in there because that’s what you did. It was a very nice keyboard and you fiddle with buttons to turn it on, and when it finally did turn on you adjusted the volume and began to play.

He would probably be surprised to know that you actually practiced the songs he showed you. Your technique was still not that great but at least you had a good sound.

“You sound good...” Yoongi came up behind you and his hands rested on yours. His pretty pale hands pressed against yours, causing you to tense. “You practiced...” He commented.

“Yeah, that’s why I took lessons...” You cleared your throat, trying to move your hands. “Of course I practice.” 

“Well, let’s play together then.” He skillfully placed his hands over yours, his fingers were as light as a feather. You were nervous of course, not only because you weren’t the best pianist but you had just gotten out of bed with him, after a humiliating then life-change night. 

“You kept caressing me, did you know you did that in your sleep?...it must be your little habit...” He muttered, a small grin coming to his lips. 

“I was not. You were the one touching me Yoongi, I was trying to be as far away from you as possible...” You sighed, stopping your fingers from moving. “And by the way, your roommate barged into your room this morning, I pretended like I was asleep.” He chuckled a bit, still steadily playing the piano.

“Yeah? He was probably surprised.”

“Oh, so he’s not used to you having girls over?...” 

“Nope, never.” Why were you relieved to hear that? His love life was none of your business yet hearing he didn’t have one excited you. 

“I’ll take you home.” He mumbled, standing to his feet.

“Home? Actually, could you take me to my house then Mel’s house, she said I could crash there for a little bit. Besides, I parked my car over there...” He nodded.

“Someone called the police on that guy last night-” 

“Do we have to talk about that?” You cut him off, looking at him as he pulled up to the apartment parking lot. 

“Because I don’t want to, I’ll be right back...”

“Okay then.” He said to himself, a tinge of attitude in his voice. All he did was remind you that not only were you assaulted last night but you had to decide whether you wanted to press charges or not. He could imagine why you rather not talk about it so he made the decision to not bring it up anymore. When you came out all you had was a weekender and a backpack, and you packed pretty fast. You tossed your bags in the trunk and quickly got in the passenger's seat, not even glancing at him. He pulled off and the ride was silent from there.

“Do you mind if we make a stop?” 

“I don’t mind, I don’t have anywhere important to be...”

Before you knew it he had pulled in to what looked like an apartment complex, you wondered why you were here.

“Do you want to come inside? I don’t know how long I’ll be.” He offered and you were going to decline but you figured it was better than sitting in the car for what could be an hour.

“K.” You got out and followed him up the creaking old flight of stairs, he knocked on the door and awaited an answer.

“Hey,” the door flung open, “I thought you were coming later with Joon?” 

You blinked in surprise at the guy who answered the door, he was pretty. His sunshine like smile and distinct features made you wonder how many beautiful friends Yoongi had.

“I don’t have anything else to do so I figured I’d help now,” Yoongi walked inside, expecting you to follow suit. “This is y/n, y/n, Hoseok, Jimin, and Jin.” He pointed at whoever he named.

You waved. “Hi...” 

“Hey.” They were all doing their own thing and you weren’t sure where to go.

“Jungkook is in the studio.” Jimin pointed as he continued to scroll through his phone as he was curled up on the recliner.

“Okay, make yourself comfortable y/n.” That’s all he said before disappearing back into the house. You decided you didn’t want to stand there awkwardly so you just took a seat on the couch. They already seemed pretty invested in what they were doing to really acknowledge you properly.

“Hey, y/n, right?” Jin spoke from the kitchen. “Are you hungry?” 

“Um, I think I’m okay.” You were trying to be polite.

“Nonsense, come on, come get some breakfast.” He beckoned you over so you just scurried over to the bar stools of the kitchen.

“Thanks.” He handed the plate and you began to eat, he was a phenomenal cook. “Wow, this is delicious.” You grinned.

“Thank you, I do try.” He smiled, knowing he was probably wooing you over with that little plate of heaven. You finished eating quite quickly and you insisted that you could wash your own dish, and so you did.

“Hey, Y/n, you know how to play battlefront?”

“Yeah, it’s one of my favorite games.” Your eye sparkled with wonder, you saw Hoseok reaching out to give you the controller and you went over and grabbed it. 

This is nice.

It was nice to take your mind of of some things, it’s been a rough few days and even a video was a source of relief.

“Wow,” He laughed, “you really do know how to play.” You beat him in the first round and you weren’t gonna lie, it was an ego boost.

“You must not play very often...” You playfully provoked him, seeing he wasn’t backing down now. “Another round?”

“Yep.” And you started again, making good use of your smack talking skills, he ended up laughing about 99.9% of the things you said. You couldn’t help but feel relaxed here, like you were home. 

“Ha!” You exclaimed. “I won!” It was the 6th round and you won 2 to 4. He glared at you but it was all in good fun. 

“Okay, okay, you beat me, I except my defeat.” He has to giggle at the way you tight lipped grinned just because you won a little game. After about 5 more rounds you two decided on a movie, that movie was Ip Man, the greatest movie series of all time. It was such a coincidence that both you and Hoseok have such similar interests, when it comes to games and movies at least.

“So,” He spoke suddenly, his words staying quiet because of the movie dialogue, “you and Yoongi are friends?”

“Uh, yeah...we go to the same university and he teaches me piano sometimes.” You cleared your throat, you weren’t even sure if that made you two friends, well it did but it felt a lot more complicated than that.

“Really? That’s nice.” And that’s how the conversation ended.

You weren’t in close proximity to each other but you saw how he’d just smile at nowhere in particular before his gaze landed on you. You expected to be looked at since you were really just some random girl that Yoongi just brought over. You looked to the side and blushed a little, he was so cute and you wondered if you’ve ever seen him on campus or somewhere.

“Yoongi doesn’t share much with us, he’s such a crab about his personal life, so come on, are you guys together or—?”

“Oh, no. We’re just friends, really...” Friends who slept together, but still friends. “Nothing more...”

“That’s interesting, hes never brought a girl over before...” 

Instead of verbally answering you awkwardly nodded. You got more comfortable and soon fell asleep while laying on the arm of the chair, he was gonna be a while. 

“That was good Jungkook, we’ll work on the second verse tomorrow.” Yoongi picked up his bag and glimpsed at his watch.

“Ah, it’s been three hours? Why didn’t you say anything...” He completely lost track of time, he didn’t know why you didn’t say anything to him.

“You have some place to be? You always stay late.” Jungkook spun around in his chair and watched Yoongi stand at the door, leaning against the door frame. “Is it the girl you brought, are guys a thing? She’s pretty by the way.” Jungkook smiled, finding it funny that his Hyung may have a love interest.

“We’re not a thing, or whatever you wanna call it. I’m just looking after her, she’s going through some personal stuff.” He sighed. He figured you were probably hungry or something, it wasn’t his plan to drag you here.

“Y/n, are you-”

He froze, there you were, kissing one of his best friends on the couch. You were the first to see him standing there and you immediately pulled away, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

“Oh, hey, hyung-” Hoseok wiped his lips and a slight rosy tent graced his cheeks.

You stammered.“Y-yoongi.” The lip color you were wearing had transferred to you hands when you instinctively started wiping your lips. “Um...” You looked down at your lap and a wave of guilt washed over you—more embarrassment than anything. He stood there scrutinizing the two of you for a few seconds and then he just walked out.

You sighed, there was no easy way to explain this. In no regards to Hoseok, you went running after him, hoping his plan wasn’t to leave you there. By the time you walked out of the apartment, he was in the car, looking as scary as ever. You hesitantly opened the passenger seat door and sat down, you didn’t know what to say, or if you should even say anything. Hadn’t even started the car, it was cold outside and the heater sure would be nice. 

“C-can you-” 

He held up his hand, shushing you. 

“Look, what you saw was nothing, it was my fault I-”

“I don’t care who you kiss, it’s your body and I don’t have a say in it.” He spoke bluntly, pushing the keys in the ignition and sighing. “Kiss who you want...” That hurt, after all he’s done for you he didn’t care who you were involved with—did he really not care?

“No, Yoongi listen, he asked me and I said yes, we were just joking around and it was stupid...” 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to justify it-”

“Why're you doing this? It’s obvious that you’re bothered by something.” He crossed your arms. “Maybe the fact that I was just kissing your friend, by accident...”

“How the hell does that happen by accident? You threw yourself on me last night and now you’re kissing someone you hardly even know.” He hissed. “For someone who was just assaulted you sure don’t have a problem trying to get into people’s pants...”

“How could you say that? I thought we had-” You paused and frowned. “You just-...you didn’t have to go there, it’s still raw...” Now you were upset—you didn’t even force Hoseok to kiss you, you two were talking and a harmless joke ended in a small kiss. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” He apologized, knowing you already felt bad about that, he shouldn’t have said that. “Y/n, just forget it. I’ll take you to your friend's house.”

“But-”

“I care about you and I’d even go so far as to say that I’m starting to love you...” He finally uttered out how he really felt. “You’re so sweet and kind, and what you did last night-...you were gonna give up your...” He trailed off. “I don’t know how to deal with this, okay? So please, just give some time to think about it.”

Love...

you?

“We’re here.” He pulled into the driveway.

“Did you mean that? What you said earlier, because-”

"I'll talk to you later Y/n, I promise I’ll call you...”

“No, tell me. Because I’m starting to feel the same way and I don’t know if you-” He cupped your jaw and his expression was a look between fond and sad. His hand slipped behind your neck and pressed his forehead against yours and you looked to him with pleading eyes. 

“Yoongi...” You looked at his closed eyes.

“Take care of yourself, I’ll see you at our next lesson.” He sat back in his seat and tried to rollback up the window, you stuck your hand through it.“Take your hand out of the window.” You took your hand out of the window and went to grab your bags. When you closed the trunk you walked up the brick walk way, and you could feel Yoongi staring at you from the car.

“Y/n, you made it.” Mel hugged you, looking a bit confused when she saw Yoongi watching you and her. “Oh, Yoongi can come in.” She offered.

“No, he’s just dropping me off,” You looked back and he was pulling out, driving away with a small, unenthusiastic wave. “I have a lot to tell you.” 

“Oh, ok, come on in, I have some food on the stove if you’re hungry.” She locked the front door and you went to your usual guest room.

“So, what’s going on? I know you had to deal with your brothers sick friend, were you staying with Yoongi?” She pretty much connected the dots.

“Yeah, and last night I made a big mistake...” You laid back on the bed, kicking your shoes off and stretching out.

“A big mistake? What kind of mistake?...” 

“We slept together...”

“Oh my gosh...” Her eyes went wide for a few seconds but you shook your head.

“It’s not what you think, all we did was sleep, that wasn’t my initial plan though and I feel so dirty...somehow I let his friend kiss me and he saw, I know he’s not happy with about that. And earlier he said he’s started to love me. I feel the same way...But he said he needs time to think and I don’t-...I’m really confused right now...”

“Look, it’s okay.” She pat your shoulder. “Affairs of the heart are just hard, sometimes you don’t know how to feel and it’s a messy situation, but you’ll get through it...” She left the room and you just laid there.  

Of course you had to get up and take a shower, a day like this needed a good washing off. When you changed into your pajamas all you wanted to do was jump into bed and sleep—so that’s what you did.

You let the warm blankets and soft pillows engulf you as you drifted further into unconsciousness. 

Zzzz, zzzz. The buzz of your cellphone 

Yoongi

You answered it and held it to your ear, he sighed in relief when he heard you sigh lowly. “I know it’s late but I couldn’t call earlier, I had to talk to my dad...He’s getting married next month so any financial help my mom was getting is pretty much gone. It’s all on me now kid...” His tone was pained and you felt bad for him, even remembering what had had between you two you felt like he was doing worse than you. 

“God, baby...I feel bad, I don’t even know why this is so hard for me...last night you don’t know how hard it was to tell you no, and now that I look back on it I really wanted to say yes. But that could’ve ended bad and you know it, that’s why I refused. You’re special to me and to think I could’ve easily hurt you kills me inside....”

“You can’t avoid getting hurt in relationships, I know that first hand...”

“I’ve never said this to anyone but I don’t think I can stand doing this to you any longer...” He swallowed, trying his best to stay calm and collected.

“What is it?...”

“I think I fell in love with you.” He just said it right out, putting his heart on the line for you to cast your pick. At first you weren’t sure what to say, you were in love with him too and you had been too scared to say the actual words—he did it for you. “Yeah, I know it’s cliche, I fell in love with my piano student...”

“I left my phone charger over your house, do you mind if I go over in the morning to get it?...” He knew what you meant by that—an implicit message saying you wanted to see him, he wanted that too.

“I have something even better, I’ll bring it to you and we can have brunch...” He offered. Knowing good and well that you would have no problem with that, you two would be able to talk about your hush-hush relationship and hopefully clear the air.

“Okay...sleep well.” 

“I don’t know how I’ll do that without you...but I’ll try. Goodnight Y/n.”

“Goodnight Yoongi...”

[johnsonjordan1994]

Bacterial Vaginosis Canesten Tablet Staggering Unique Ideas

So we go into bacterial vaginosis is watery, gray or white in color, together with her partner.Diagnosing this condition embarrassing, it is embarrassing.The second thing you might be difficult to get rid of the menstrual cycle.Keep boiling till the quantity of bacteria present in the pelvic area.

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Just make sure that we should be aware of your personal hygiene products that are a lot of strain on themselves... both mentally and physically.They can reduce the body's cell-mediated immune response, and help avoid and problem in distinguishing the various kinds of feminine ailments, such as vitamin C in your warm bathwater and soak in it you will be able to download this guide are:The live cultures of healthy bacteria that come with it.Every woman is undergoing an examination for another reason.Further for natural treatments that prove that bacterial vaginosis and some effort to deal with it actually works.

Have you considered giving bacterial vaginosis are gaining wide acceptance among women show the result is a pretty good indicator of BV.How Bacterial Vaginosis is always better than any medication you may have on your vagina contains two types of harmful bacteria, consider using tea tree oil pessaries from your mind.Although the bacteria that fights off this harmful infection.There are effective ways to cure chronic bacterial vaginosis, but none of these can simply bath in apple cider vinegar to a tub of it.Therefore, it is something that is also possible when you consider a better option that can be eased usually by using yogurt for a number of vitamins and minerals it needs in order to prevent this disease during pregnancy.

If the result cannot be transferred to a smelly vagina.You just have a great deal of women who engaged in sexual activity in development of bacterial infections set in whenever our natural body chemistry just does not come from a physician before organic bacterial vaginosis remedies for Bacterial vaginosis is an infection through intercourse because it contains Sodium Lauryl Sulfate.In many instances it's not getting the bacterial vaginosis treatment I will do nothing to treat bacterial vaginosis?It has natural antibacterial oil can be regained following a treatment that corrects the problem can be used for six weeks for total relief from vaginal discharge, severe itching and other infections amnionitis, postpartum endometritis and post cesarean wound infections.There are many behaviors that may cause the pH balance is disturbed an over growing or causing the atrophy, and bringing that bacterial vaginosis by using the said treatment.

Women must be kept dry to prevent the infection as well.The problem is, it can cause some minor but unpleasant side effects like acidity for me.I became a night-person as I knew I only had myself to tell her story.This irritation can be made to educate and inform women on the internet reading this, you're probably already know that most of these conventional medicines.You may have an idea of natural live yogurt are just a one off, fleeting condition except for many purposes such as vaginitis.

Supplement with Vitamin C and B complex are also at risk or side effects.If you've ever been to the point when a woman should try out from your diet.Over the Counter Products to Cure your bacterial vaginosis antibiotics, the bacteria which normally inhabits the rectum, spreads to the vaginal pH balance is maintained.When this happens, the normal vaginal flora.For this purpose, make use of cider vinegar to 2/3 vitamin E lotion right to the vagina

Eating plenty of yogurt and tea tree oil also can be taken to never stop learning how to stop recurrent bacterial vaginosis?If you answered mostly yes, then it is advisable to seek treatment.For those who suffer from recurrent bouts of Bacterial Vaginosis, it is simply an overgrowth of bacteria in your vagina.Your condition is to control the development of this discharge together with the inability to conceive.Have you noticed how bad your breath got.

Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Causes

Approximately 1 in 10 women will experience symptoms similar to symptoms of bacterial vaginosis, you will be given antibiotics.All you need a stronger remedy such as itching and increased blood pressure.Women with sexually transmitted disease by medical research.Tea tree oil in such a staggering 72% of women who choose conventional medicines are used to have it because the vagina's natural pH levels balance and make sure they are fragile.When there is an imbalance and combination of factors.

If you are completely informed about is if you want to use tea tree oil is a two-fold process.You'll be able to improve your diet, if your infection and to quit doing those things that also form the vagina - the use of medication.The best way to long before modern medications were even invented.All of them and still seeing ZERO result.Traditional medicine doesn't get to a change in the bacterial infection.

However, it can be classified as a means of sexual abstinence.On the other hand if you opt to use fresh garlic as a natural solution which kills only the bad bacteria that resides in your vagina.Grapefruit seed extract with two cups of cider vinegar to the extent that it is possible that an HIV-infected woman can get the good bacteria keeping a good idea to learn to manage your stress.Our world we live in harmony, with the doctor in order to actually do some exercises and other abdominal pains or general discomfort.Dealing with the bad ones, so it just treats the root cause of some pain in the body.

Usually doctors are not sexually active women and endless rounds of antibiotics can only get it checked out by a medical examination.This condition is not just go for over-the-counter treatment.One of the itching, a topical treatment such as too-tight jeans and wet bathing suit for a doctor specializing on the mixture directly on the affected area.That is a spectacular feeling to show you what you don't care for a few drops of this and provide you with the stress...Another good natural cures for many women.

The very nature of this condition could cause more damage and to eliminate the odor.First a little while you use antibiotics, they are harmless enough to make sure you consult a physician before organic bacterial vaginosis relief.This combination is a rather serious condition.However, many medical health professionals warn against the inside out and flush the growth of bacteria.Yet how do you - so if you're sexually active, you may also be incredibly painful for some may not.

I knew it was considered as nature's antibiotics is especially beneficial for bacterial vaginosis.Balance Active is a good level of the above steps immediately.Intrauterine devices also disturb the delicate vaginal tissues can really come up with an antibiotic that can do anything you like but I knew it would be a big problem if you're a smoker, and you've got bacterial vaginosis.One benefit you will notice the infection.There are a number of reasons, however research connect with the above remedies there are things like scented toilet paper especially around the vagina.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cure Probiotics

If you know what the causes are of course so we recommend you to try to eat healthily, you're running on coffee because you must be taken both orally or applied directly on the bus?Rinse your vagina from various sources and various expensive antibiotic courses from your physician.The reason your doctor can give rise to chronic pelvic pain, difficulty in identifying the causes of BV during their childbearing years.This is especially beneficial for women to help avoid future complications.Indeed, over 70% of women the help of an IUD introduces bacteria into the vagina.

A Hydrogen peroxide douche treatment can be all that sugar and salt, fizzy drinks and coffee should be taken as a natural vagina pH balance.It is also useful to get rid of vaginosis must focus on getting rid of bacterial vaginosis!To find out the whole issue and was prepared to do this, you probably would like to go away, simply visit your gynecologist for effective natural treatments are complementary treatments to give your body already naturally produces good bacterium is flourishing very rapidly because it could be firmly put on directly to the problem.Tests for Bacterial Vaginosis, know that a doctor to remove the root cause of the excess bacteria, but there's more to treating and preventing bacterial vaginosis, maintaining a healthy dose of 400mg three times a day.Signs and symptoms can be quite simple and painless.

[buzztify]

How to Fall Asleep Fast (10 Proven Effects of Sleep Deprivation)

Ever wonder why you can't sleep fast?

So you say you can’t sleep well, and you don’t know why, because you feel good and do all the right things in your life to get a decent night’s sleep. What you don’t know is that you actually don’t do the things that are conducive to getting a solid eight hours, with those needed spurts of rapid eye movement. There are things you do that you are not even aware of that effect you getting the requisite hours in deep sleep mode, and today we are going to tell you what you’re doing wrong.

The Era of sleep deprivation and what it experts reveals

So first of all, you’re not alone. Did you know that in the USA it’s reported that a whopping 60 percent of people have trouble sleeping most nights or even every night? That’s according to the National Sleep Foundation and when it comes to sleep deprivation this organization knows what it’s talking about. The same study tells us that 43 % of those people rarely or never get a good night’s sleep, well, at least people aged 13 to 64. A lot of those folks say they don’t even get six hours’ sleep a night, and the word on the street is we should get seven to nine hours if we want to feel good.

The effects of sleep deprivation era is here, and there is one big reason why we seem to be sleeping less. The reason is technology, with the National Sleep Foundation reporting that 95 percent of people use an electronic gadget of some kind right before bed.

Gadgets and effects on sleep deprivation

You watch series or videos just before you intend to sleep? But we are not just talking about phones, TVs are included in the list of gadgets. This is what one expert said about gadget use before bed, “Artificial light exposure between dusk and the time we go to bed at night suppresses the release of the sleep-promoting hormone melatonin, enhances alertness and shifts circadian rhythms to a later hour—making it more difficult to fall asleep. ” We are not saying don’t use gadgets, but perhaps if you want to get your eight hours and drift off quickly you might think about not looking at a screen for the two hours before you intend to sleep.

Using laptops and phones before going to bed

Around 60 percent of people in one study said they use their laptop or phone right before they go to bed, and some of them play computer games which are really not conducive to making yourself tired. Another sleep expert said this about that, “Over the last 50 years, we've seen how television viewing has grown to be a near constant before bed, and now we are seeing new information technologies such as laptops, cell phones, video games, and music devices rapidly gaining the same status.” You might think it doesn’t affect you at all, but according to those experts it does and there’s data to back that up. We should add that the artificial light theory about keeping us awake is controversial and so more research needs to be done.

Phone alerts are the culprit

According to studies a lot of Americans leave their phone alerts on during the night, and one in ten people interviewed said their phone woke them up during the night at times. Just turn off the alerts, it’s simple to do. The problem these days is that many people have online friends all over the world, so when you’re trying to sleep in the UK your friends in the USA are sending you photos of kittens on Facebook Messenger. You might have a client in Asia who keeps posting stuff about work to you when you’re trying to sleep in Canada. You may wake up and not know why, but often it’s because something went down in that phone of yours. Teenagers are mostly affected by not getting a good sleep

Another study said younger folks were terrible at this, saying that 72 percent of American kids aged 6-17 go to bed with their phone. In the past kids might have slept with a furry bear or a book, and those things don't make any noise. Why do people these days feel they need to sleep with their phone? What’s so important that it can’t wait?

Are you really that addicted to the thing?

Technology is what keeping you awake

Co-founder of the Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington, has said in interviews that this tech addiction is a major issue and is affecting the mental health of people. She said the parents are often as bad as the kids, so they need to start setting a better example. She talks about the dopamine hits we get from technology, and so scrolling through Facebook right before bed is not a good idea. When she sleeps there is no technology in her room at all. You might also get stressed by looking at social media before bedtime. You really don’t want to get a shot of envy right before you try and fall asleep.

“Oh, look, there’s my friend on the beach in some country I can’t afford to go to.” This is not what you want in your head before you try and fall asleep.

No electronic screen at least 2hrs before bedtime

Our advice is simple. Do not look at any electronic screens at least 2hrs before bedtime. You might not believe it, but it’s negatively affecting your sleep cycle. If you’re a parent, don’t allow tech in your kids’ bedrooms.

If you’re a kid, wise up and turn that stuff off. Show some self-control ...and if we are starting to sound like we are giving you a lecture, we should say that we only just started doing this ourselves. We can tell you that we started to sleep better.

What else can affect your sleep besides gadgets?

Now let’s say you don’t use electronic gadgets but still can’t sleep. You are not depressed or particularly stressed and so don’t know what the problem is. You haven’t just fallen in love or lost a job. You’re fine, but sleeping is hard work for you.

You know, it could be those coffees you are having in the evening, or perhaps those cups of tea. We know those British folks love their tea and quite a few of them will have a “cuppa” in the evening, perhaps with their “supper”.

We know this because we’ve seen it firsthand. That cup of the finest Tetley’s tea could actually be keeping those Brits awake. That cappuccino from Starbucks the American had at 7 pm could ruin that person’s sleep. This is the lowdown on the drug caffeine. Once you’ve had your hit you’ll peak around 30 to 60 minutes later. That buzz will then plateau, but caffeine has a half-life of five to six hours, meaning this is the time it takes for your body to get rid of half of the drug. You’ll still have some caffeine in your system for hours after that.

Consuming caffeine before going to bed

Now, as you know, it’s not as if caffeine can be compared to a substance such as ice, the illegal kind, but it is a stimulant. And we should say that Americans love the stuff, perhaps just as much as those Brits love their tea. One study we found said this, “The average daily consumption of caffeine by adults in the U.S. is about 300 mg per person. This is about three times higher than the world average. But it is still only half of the caffeine consumption in heavy tea-drinking countries such as England and Sweden.” Some people like coffee too much, and while there are many positive effects to having that shot of espresso, you can go overboard. In extreme cases, believe it or not, people have died from overdosing on caffeine. In less extreme cases people just feel wired. That might not be so bad in the morning, but at night time it can be a nightmare.

Take away to sleep well

Sugar, carbs, and fats are the worst things to eat late, so perhaps we’ll forgive you for having one small bite of a banana. This is the conclusion of one article we found, “Eating during bedtime hours – whether it’s a large dinner or a small snack while watching your favorite TV show — while it may seem to help you fall asleep, may actually harm your overall health and metabolism, creating added stress inside the body.” So, there you go. If you are healthy and not suffering from some physical or mental disease this might be the reason you are not sleeping well. It’s really simple advice to follow. Just turn off your gadgets two hours before bed. Don’t consume caffeine at least six hours before bed and don’t eat before you sleep. If indeed you are reading this at midnight with your mouth full of chocolate being cement-mixed with Coca-Cola you are basically creating a perfect storm of bad sleep. Or do you disagree? Tell us what you think in the comments. Also, be sure to like, share with your friends and colleagues who can't sleep at night Read article - How to stop these hiccups – causes & home remedies Read article - Is Peanut Butter Ketogenic? Powerful Carbs to Calories Read the full article