#still i am sure a professional would cringe so hard lmao

[robo-dino-puppy]

horizon forbidden west | talanah 18/?

[bluzebub19]

I have a request for how the Arcane characters (Viktor, Jayce, Jinx, Vi, Heimerdinger, Ekko) look so that the reader can access their cuteness. Maybe they are doing or saying something to the reader and the reader suddenly starts hugging and petting them, calling them cute. How would they react to this?

Note: So... I'm the only one who thinks Heimerdinger is really cute. Why aren't there fanfics with him? Mysteries of life..

Arcane characters being called cute by their s/o while they're working

Writer's note: Thanks for requesting! It took longer than I expected because I kept deleting some of the dialogue from how cheesy and cringe it sounded lmao. Heimerdinger is not on my list of characters I write for, but I figured I'll write him this one time. I hope you don't mind that I also added Mylo, cuz why not?

Request/s: Open!

Warning/s: Get a dentist. This is some tooth-rotting fluff. Not proofread and english isn't my native language.

Character/s: Viktor, Jayce, Jinx, Vi, Ekko, Heimerdinger and Mylo

● Viktor tends to get lost in his work, mumbling equations or sketching out blueprints for his projects. You find this incredibly endearing, but not when he gets so absorbed that he forgets to eat or sleep.

● If you suddenly hug him or call him cute, he’ll freeze in shock at first. He blinks up at you as if you just said something in a language he doesn’t understand. Then, his cheeks will flush a light pink, and he’ll chuckles softly. “Cute is... not a term I hear often. But thank you."

● Over time, he grows more comfortable and secretly enjoys the affection. He may even lean into it, but he’ll never outright admit it. Instead, he might deflect with a shy smile and, “You should focus on more important matters."

● Yeah no, that's a sign for you to keep doing it.

● Jayce is the golden boy—confident, charming, and ridiculously handsome. He likes to appear professional and put-together, but you know him well enough to see through that exterior to the dorky, hardworking man beneath.

● When you hug him out of nowhere while he cooks and call him cute, he blinks for a second but chuckles as he turns to look at you. “Cute? Babe, I’m going for ruggedly handsome and sweet here. But I'll take it."

● Still, he's flattered and loves the affection you give him. And unlike Viktor, he's not afraid or shy to show you he wants more of it. He might pull you closer and say, "You're one to talk." He's a romantic and albeit cheesy guy.

● Now, you probably might be thinking about why and how is he cooking, but that's for another headcanon! (I just realized how I'm not even sure whose side am I on. Can he cook?? Cuz I feel like he can. But I also see him burning food-)

● Jinx, as we all know, is pure chaos, always working on something explosive or messing around. She has a habit of humming and singing off-key to herself while she works, which makes you think she’s oddly cute in her own... quirky way. To be honest, it’s hard not to find her enthusiasm contagious, even if it’s a little dangerous.

● One day, you catch her doing exactly that while painting her trademark designs on one of her grenades. The sight just makes you smile as you walk up and wrap your arms around her, telling her, “You’re so cute when you’re focused like this,” or something of the sort.

● She’ll throw her hands up and turn to look at you, trying to play off your compliment as a joke. “Woah, you might be crazier than me!" She grins and laughs softly, before making her voice sound more gruff, "Ya buttering up the author nightmares with your mooshy stuff!”

● But after her initial over-the-top reaction, she’ll soften. “Fine, soak it all in.” She shrugs and continues working. But deep down, she really loves the affection and she's getting more and more attached to you. You're giving her the kind of love that she thinks she never deserved in her life, so she really appreciates these little things you do. She might even snuggle up to you later, claiming it’s to “soak in all this ‘cute’ energy.”

● Oh, by the way, she'll make this happen a lot more often. By how, you ask? Well, by doing the same thing to you, of course! It becomes a little challenge betweem the two of you who calls the other one cute first and catching them off guard with it.

● Vi is all tough love and sass, but there’s a soft side she shows only to the people she really cares about. You notice this when she’s being protective or just in those peaceful moments when you're both alone together.

● If you call her cute, she’ll raise an eyebrow and smirk. “Cute? Babe, I think you’ve got the wrong person.”

● Later, she’ll definitely tease you about it, saying something like, “So, how’s it feel dating the cutest person in Zaun?” or "Am I still cute?" with a playful grin. She'll be teasing you and making you smile with that while she's half naked and flexing her biceps (she knows you love them), or when she just got done with a fight and is still holding her gauntlets.

● She loves it, don't let that teasing fool you.

● Heimerdinger is an adorable bundle of wisdom and fluff. You often catch him rambling about science with such enthusiasm that you can’t help but smile. Look at him! He's just adorable!

● One day, as he’s showing you a tiny contraption he just finished, you can’t help but reach out and pet his fluffy head, saying, “You’re the most cutest genius ever.”

● Heimerdinger chuckles, his mustache twitching with amusement. “Ah, well, I suppose I do have a certain charm about me, don’t I?”

● He pretends to be unaffected, but you notice the way his tail swishes slightly when you hug him. “I must say, your affection is quite... energizing! Perhaps I should study its effects further.”

● From then on, he might start subtly seeking out your affection—like casually leaning into your hand when you pet him or “accidentally” bumping into you while working.

● Ekko is talking to you about his plans for the Firelights while sketching upgrades for their hoverboards.

● You were quietly admiring him, the way his eyes light up and the focused furrow of his brows, when you suddenly blurt out, “You’re so cute when you’re focused.”

● He freezes for a second, then looks at you with a mixture of surprise and amusement. “Cute? Me?” He grins, a soft laugh escaping. “You sure you’re not talking about yourself there?”

● He rubs the back of his neck, trying to act nonchalant, but the smile gives him away.

● “You’re not getting away with saying that,” he teases, leaning in to nudge you lightly with his shoulder. He goes back to doing his work before playfully adding, “But if you keep looking at me like that, I might just start believing it.”

● It's these little things that matters. These moments, even if simple, it gives him hope and motivation to make the world a better place. The way his eyes soften when you look at him in that moment, and how he lets his guard down just enough to show you he cares — it’s clear that, while he teases, he loves the attention, and he loves you even more for it.

● Dude's got lines fr fr

● Mylo has always been the type of guy who had a sarcastic, sassy remark ready. We all know that from how he treated Powder.

● When you suddenly hug him and call him cute, he freezes for a second, unsure of how to react. “Cute? Me?” He scoffs, trying to play it cool, but it's very obvious he's a bit flustered by it. “Out of all the compliments you could’ve picked, you went with cute? I’m more like... cool, and handsome.” He throws a dramatic, exaggerated pose, trying to hide his nervousness.

● Despite his teasing, there's a small, pleased grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. He tries to act nonchalant, but the way he keeps glancing at you shows how much he’s secretly enjoying it.

● “Seriously, though. I’m cool, alright?” he continues, trying to regain his confidence. “I don’t do cute. But, uh... thanks. I guess.” He says softly as he shrugs, clearing his throat.

● Later on, when no one’s watching, you might catch him glancing at you from the corner of his eye, a small smile on his face, clearly still flattered.

Can you guys guess which is my favorite based on how long their headcanons are

[issa-pheonyx]

If you write for Carlos, mayhaps something fluffy? Sfw/Nsfw is up to you, but preferably no mommy/daddy kink, its just not my thing qwq

𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆 𝗯𝗯!! 𝗪𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗮𝗻 𝗶𝘁𝘁𝘆 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗦𝗙𝗪, 𝘀𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗹𝘂𝗳𝗳. 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝘂𝘁𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 :𝟯𝟯𝟯

▌│█║▌║▌║ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ ║▌║▌║█│▌

-As distinct as it is with him from the game he is going to make you laugh or even crack a smile from you. Besides he knows a way for a lady's heart is to make them laugh. Though there are times he would internally cringe when he predicts he tries too hard in certain jokes, but if it entertained you then perfect! He will not add onto it after that he thinks it'll just ruin it

-FUCKING FLIRTY BASTARD-ahem, now I know this man is fine and all, assuming he just be flirting people left and right, but when you know he likes you and only has eyes for you best believe he will be having his eyes set on you. You are the eye of the prize, nobody else, and honestly I feel like he is the type to do the kabedon move on you (hope I spelled that right, my apologies)

-Speaking of kabedon, his love language is definitely physical affection. I mean even if you are not the type to be equally affectionate as he is, he would have his body close to you, shoulders touching or brushing against each other. He would pepper your face in kisses to wake you up or just to be playful with you, bonus he would end up tickling you with massive kisses on your neck and waist just to hear you laugh cause it makes him laugh of happiness ('but Issa my laugh sounds like a seagull squawk' honey, it'll make him laugh harder sounding like a distorted horn you're safe LMAO-)

-Another would cooking for you I mean look at him on how he is built. That big boy gotta eat. He is most definitely the main chef of the house and if you do not like or never tried any food related to his culture (looked it up saying he could be Brazilian/Portuguese, again this was a quick search and not claiming he is, so don't come at me) well, you're going to try it. Honestly, his cooking skills are really chefs kiss. Anyways, you don't gotta worry about not having time to make food or you don't have the motivation Carlos got you bb~

-Now he is the sweetest, funniest, charming, and gentle giant he is, however he is protective. Maybe too protective, but he learns the separate his life and workplace (until he finds out they were lying to him), but after what went down with Umbrella it did mess him up mentally and psychologically he sought professional help (as he should) and did guide him. Sure, you and him can tell the damages that has left him, but since he sees you as a hope of light that's all that matters to him to keep it moving

-Lastly, he wouldn't mind if you pamper him. Like not only pamper him, but if you✨yassified✨by doing his makeup, putting ribbons or braiding his hair, etc. He turns into a whole different persona and would act so funny when you pull out the camera being like "Yas, queen🌚💅🏽". Dramatically, whips his head causing some ribbons or braids to fall off/go loose, but would be like "ah fuck my eye-" cause the lashes are too unbearable💀

-Overall, he is the best kind of bf/husband and is a walking green flag (shut up I am not gonna do red flags let my babies be happy cause irl men are bleh) and no just because he has his mental struggles that he tends to hide at times. He still seek professional help for that regardless and is still himself, Carlos~

▌│█║▌║▌║ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ L̳͈͉̅̊ȍ̸̢̢̮͚̐̚v̸̵̝͙͆̈ͤę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ M̶̷̲̊ͥ͋͟ę̷̵̧̖̫̗̆̊ ║▌║▌║█│▌

𝗧𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴! 𝗜 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗲𝗻𝗷𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝘁. 𝗠𝘆 𝘂𝗽𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗮 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗦𝗹𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹~🖤🫣

[starlightkun]

okay my superlong ask part 1/3 (i could do it in 2 but i decided to do it in paragraphs so it makes more sense and is easier to read)

https://www.tumblr.com/warmau/734555744763035648/this-is-how-all-the-men-i-write-are-like?source=share ^^ changer and buzzer beater sungchan be like

but OMGOMGOMG

FIRSTLY the new masterlist is GORGEOUS and so well thought out! it just looks so organised and the notes about the inclusivity and how you're going back to fix old fics is so professional im really impressed and its really kind and generous of you to take such an initiative by taking the time to do so. Also the note about how you may say that certain members are taller than reader insert with sicheng only if you're feeling extra nice had me ROLLING

also the bite updates are so funny, like mark is so losercore and the fact that reader is going to be a loser as well is so up my alley and so endearing. like flirting about FAX MACHINES?! only the highest quality loserxloser content.

- ✨anon

under the cut <33

the post u linked to was deleted 😭 im sorry im sure it was very funny and true to my sweet baby boys changer!sungchan and bb!sungchan

thank youuuu abt the masterlist! i was contemplating abt reorganization and everything for a while and i knew i didn't want too complicated of a key, but i wanted to be able to delineate a little more than i had in my last one between my more serious fics and my more silly fics a la dr_magic lol (and i also wanted to take the opportunity to unofficially "archive" some older fics of mine that i feel like aren't as representative of me as a writer anymore but i also didn't really want to delete either, so the old mlist is my "archive masterlist" now with all my fics pre-love bites) ;; and on that height inclusivity note, i myself am 5'8/172cm ish, so i know when i personally read fics where like kun is supposed to be towering over the reader it completely takes me out bc like. i am not delusional that man is 1 inch taller than me. i would be taller than him with some thick-soled shoes try again lol. i put on my platform doc martins and its OVER for him. i don't consider anybody "tall" unless they're noticeably taller than me (which is usually 5'11ish, but i call it at 180cm international for good measure. sicheng's official height is like 179cm/5'10.5" so if i'm feeling nice i'll include him in the tallies club. esp now that he's the tallest wayv member and he just absolutely towers over wayv tinie line lmao). i know it's the sort of heads-up i'd like as a reader, esp considering how some writers seem a bit. obsessed with the reader-insert being absolutely tiny and smaller than every member (which hey! some readers are actually 4'11 and dejun would be huge compared to them!) but when it's mentioned not only in every fic but in fics w members who are canonically shorter than me irl it just so detracts from the moment for me.

i've been going back to edit stuff for moments where i thoughtlessly mentioned the reader blushing/turning pink or gripping smth so hard their knuckles turn white, in addition for the random dozen cameos that are in quite a few (don't get me started on sleepless cinderella,,,, idk what i'm doing with her yet other than fixing skin tone refs). i got an ask a couple years ago abt the blushing in one of my fics, actually, and while i changed the specific instance right then, as well as made sure not to reference skin tone in my future writings, i know that people still find my older fics and i personally just kind of,,, idk cringe? when i revisit old fics and they've got skin tone refs in them like that. bc it doesn't represent the writer i am now, and i hate for people to think that it's representative of me and my fics currently. so yeah, i'm slowly working through fixing old fics for those bits and the dozen references too

the bite is actually a kun fic (u may be confusing it w baby fangs? which is a mark wip, and i can see how the titles would get confusing) but we do in fact get some loserxloser content in BOTH the bite and baby fangs yep yep i love writing losers in love its trueeee. they flirt about fax machines and it's truly soulmate behavior im afraid (the bite!mc literally says "i think men with fax machines are sexy, especially personal fax lines" like somebody COME GET UR BESTIE SHE IS CRINGEFAILING ON MAIN RN!! and kun adores her and her cringefail flirting ehhehe)

okay long ask part 2/3 now onto LOVE BITES omg i know its only been a few weeks since changer was released but i missed these two so much. your description of sungchan as a weighted blanket was so cuddly and delicious i just love him he's such a big puppy even though you said jenos a puppy and sung is a wolf hes still just a little guy to me (he is 185 centimetres, taller than most refrigerators) the way you write sungchan is just so great, the way hes just a big sweaty guy and has little insecurities that him and reader work through makes him feel so real and so vulnerable in an endearing way. also when reader pulled out the old photos of sung and taro from mr jung i was DYING. like "little dweebus uniform" is so relatable, we all have skeletons (terrible photos from primary/elementary school) in our closets (parents houses) when reader and taro are texting and reader is like "my little guy :( so uwuw" and taro is like "that fucken TREE OF A GUY?!" and "IS THIS YOUR MANS?!" with the horrifying close up i felt very seen and also got a very helpful reminder to burn all my group photos from school. honestly there are so many quotes from love bites that i want to frame but um……. mel what is this "You didn’t deserve to ever feel… an aching hole, because of me.” 🤨🤨🤨😏😏😏 i KNOW you know what you did and honestly i was so close to screaming and throwing my phone across the room when it happened. but you know what? changer sungchan unintentionally saying the craziest innuendo whilst trying to make a sincere apology is probably the most fitting thing for his character. anyways, thank you for slotting in dirty jokes for us because its so unexpected and funny. i think thats all i have to say about love bites! thank you for taking the time to write the most amazing, comforting, sweet and funny story. - ✨anon

changer sungchan IS a big puppy but don't say that to his face or he'll pout abt it </33 also idk why "taller than most refrigerators" made me laugh so hard but it did. comparing men to refrigerators for height reference is just a very funny concept to me.

i also LOVED writing taro and reader's continuing bickering friendship throughout the fic i thought they were fantastic and i did in fact make myself laugh a couple different times, esp writing out the texts with the mathletes pictures. i also loved being able to show that reader was just as delusional whipped IN LOVE abt sungchan as sungchan was for reader. like being absolutely endeared and heart eyes abt your s/o's dorky old school pictures while simultaneously roasting your mutual friend who is also in those same pictures for being dorky. mwah, chef's kiss, i love them and rip taro

I TRULY DID NAWT REALIZE THE INNUENDO UNTIL U SENT THIS ASK OMG. i was just trying to write sungchan being the sweetest lil guy ever but alas........the aching hole that i will never be able to UNREAD now. but it is sooo in-character for him that i truly was overtaken by the spirit of changer!sungchan in that moment and had no clue what i was writing good lord

OKAY FINALLY PART 3/3 for the timeline question hmmmmmmm i dont know i think i kind of just assumed that the fics were coming out in chronological order but now im not sure????? like obv for the ones with sequels the sequel is after the first but like the rest its all kinda up in the air for me. so like, changer is after pupsick because in sung got with changer!reader because of pupsick!reader and friends. dr magic i assume is happening between pupsick and changer or at the same time as changer because renjun seemed very much single during pupsick because he was at the cafe FAST when pupsick!reader called him and during dr magic, renjun was very much busy between meeting drmagic!reader to witness her pepe silvia arc, being dr magic and studying. tdhea imo is before pupsick just cause all the dreamies have way too much time on their hands to tease and get frustrated about jisung and tdhea!reader and imo that's peak single behaviour because like i said before, renjun was a BUSY BOY during dr magic and jeno was literally sick during most of pupsick so he wouldn't be as spritely as he is during tdhea. for romance is dead and strawberry sunday i literally have no clue, i just assumed that they were both early on considering they were released first. its also just a lot harder because theres only one strawbsun fic for 127 and wayv each so there's less overlap in the members and just less context clues to go off of. but i'd love to know just how wrong i am in my assumtions (if you're willing to give up such information) and compare it with what everyone else thinks - ✨anon

okay so ur timeline looks like:

rid/miracle/strawberry sunday > tdhea > pupsick/abh > dr_magic2303 > changer/love bites

which isn't too far off other than the placing of rid/miracle, which makes sense bc that one kind of has the least context with the other fics. here's my official timeline (sans some unofficial wips) that i've been working off of as soon as i realized this was going to be a lot more than 3 fics. i based the general years off of strawberry sunday!reader/jungwoo's college career (they're in sophomore yr in their fic). the whole crew is generally all the same year, though, so the years are pretty accurate for everybody

(mark molts the summer before sophomore yr) **STRAWBSUNDAY!MC'S SOPHOMORE YR** STRAWBERRY SUNDAY – SPRING SEMESTER (SPRING BREAK) PUPSICK – SUMMER BREAK **STRAWBSUNDAY!MC'S JUNIOR YR** TDHEA – FALL SEMESTER A BRIEF HISTORY (PUPSICK2) – FALL SEMESTER (VERY END/WINTER BREAK) ROMANCE IS DEAD – SPRING SEMESTER BABY FANGS – SPRING SEMESTER CHANGER – SPRING SEMESTER/BEGINNING OF SUMMER BREAK **STRAWBSUNDAY!MC'S SENIOR YR** LOVE BITES (CHANGER2) – END OF SUMMER BREAK/FALL SEMESTER MIRACLE (RID2) – FALL SEMESTER DR_MAGIC2303 – SPRING SEMESTER

they uh, they get busy junior yr huh...

also i feel like jeno didn't do too much meddling in tdhea to be considered single behavior, he was just kinda there......bc he had nothing better to do while pupsick!reader was at study sessions 😔 very conveniently-timed study sessions and bakery shifts without jeno that leave jeno completely free to be in every relevant scene for tdhea... aw shucks 😔😔😔 and her very convenient bakery shifts in changer2 like wow 😔😔 minseok is rlly working pupsick!reader to the bone huh 😔😔😔😔 pupsick3 is just gonna b reader and jeno unionizing against minseok

one thing to know abt strawbsunday universe!renjun is that he is going to be BUSY and BOOKED between school, running an online persona solving people's magical ailments, meddling in his friends' relationships, and falling head over heels for his academic rival who is currently in her pepe silvia arc. do NOT underestimate his multi-tasking abilities. he's built different

but im rlly so happy that you liked the fics so much to send me SO MUCH abt it and have all these little thoughts like you truly keep my writing heart fed. like i write for myself but i post for others, and actually knowing that there's a human out there reading them and coming to interact with me and give genuine feedback rlly makes posting worth it so THANK YOU so so much truly 💗💗💗🫶🫶🫶

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

Yes ! Can you maybe do an imagine where the reader breaks up with Will because they dont think they’re good enough for him ?? But with a happy ending where they get back together because he really wants to be with them

Of course, sweet Anon!😊 Man, y'all really love angst lmao In retrospect, this might be a bit too angsty😬I blame Bo Burnham's Inside

This imagine is going to be really depressing, like a lot. There will be mentions of attempted suicide and self harm so, SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING.

~~~~~~~~~~

It had been over a year since you broke up with Will.

You'd never felt more depressed in your life, but you thought it was the right decision at the time. What bullshit that turned out to be...

Your crippling insecurity forced your mind to think you didn't deserve to have someone as amazing as Will, he was so thoughtful and you were so, well, so dependent.

You weren't in the best stage of your life when you met Will, you were in a really dark place and you had even more trouble getting out of it. You haven't really made much progress since then, but you tried.

You just wanted to feel better for once. Every day, you just felt like you were drowning and taking Will with you.

He was your rock, and he made sure that he was right beside you every time you felt bad. Of course, being an actor, he had to go away sometimes and you always told him that you'd be fine. You weren't, of course, but you were always so happy for him whenever he'd book a film or TV show because it made him happy.

There were days you just felt numb, mostly when Will wasn't with you. Those days you'd just lay in your bed, sob uncontrollably until the exhaustion would put you to sleep.

Will felt helpless, and you could always see it on his face. He was worried about you, he wanted to help you, but it wasn't something that he could change or do anything about. Him worrying about you day and night made you feel even worse, that was not what you wanted for him. He deserved to be with something that lifted him up and encouraged him, not someone who's depressing all the time and unintentionally bringing him down with them. No...you didn't want that for him at all.

It was inevitable, but it didn't make it any easier to break up with him.

Will's heartbroken face would forever be engrained in your mind, but you kept telling yourself it was in his best interest.

You cried the hardest you ever cried in your entire life. You loved him so much, you didn't want to let him go, but you couldn't let your toxicity ruin his life. And you honestly thought that it would get better in time, but it only made your mental state deteriorate ever more.

One night, when the pain got too hard to handle, you took and broke your shaving razors, taking out the blades.

In hindsight, you really wished you hadn't, you felt embarrassed about it for the longest time. But trying to look on the bright side, it did force you to finally get the professional help you needed. Therapy, medication, the whole nine yards. You kicked yourself for not getting yourself help sooner, because you felt better now that you were going to therapy.

You still struggled a lot, but you knew once you found the right medication, it would become more bearable, and it did eventually. It took a lot of hard work.

You thought about Will a lot, what he was up to, if he found someone else that he loved. The thought was painful, but all you wanted for him was to find true happiness.

One day, you decided to go out to a coffee shop one morning, as opposed to just Postmateing yourself like you normally did. Your therapist did say you needed to get out more, so you took their advice.

You walked through town, a simple little coffee shop catching your eye. The name sounded familiar to you, though you couldn't quite place why. You didn't think you'd been to this place before, you usually made your own coffee, but you wanted to give it a try.

The light ring of a bell filled your ears as you opened the front door. It was a really cold morning, so the warm heat hitting your skin and inhaling the strong smell of coffee and freshly made bakeries put a small smile on your face.

You were thankful that there wasn't a line, possibly to early in the morning, maybe you got there before the usual early birds. Though looking around, it was a small place, only a few book readers scattered amongst the small tables that were set up opposite of the counter where you ordered.

While waiting for your coffee, a wall full of art caught your eye. You walked closer to look at all the pieces, all of them painted by customers. Hmm, cute...

You didn't really acknowledge the bell ringing once more, signaling an arrival of another customer, to focused on the pretty art.

"Hey!" You heard one of the workers say cheerfully, probably addressing the new customer. "Your usual, Will?"

Your smile dropped. Ha, what are the odds, right?

"Yep, of course. Thank you."

Then, your heart dropped.

You recognized that voice anywhere. Now you knew why this shop sounded so familiar, it was Will's favorite place to get coffee, he had mentioned it to you before. Of course, of all the coffee places in town, you had to pick this one.

You slowly turned around, your heart beating out of your chest and almost coming to a complete stop once you laid eyes on his face. That face you always thought about, even in your dreams. "Wi-"

"Y/n!" You cringed as the coffee shop worker called out your name, telling you that your coffee was ready.

Will immediately snapped his gaze over to you, clearly having trouble believing it was actually you. You stood there awkwardly, having a hard time reading his expression. Was he mad? Sad? Happy?

"Y/n." Will almost whispered, taking a couple steps closer to you.

Will looked the same, just as handsome as when you last saw him. His eyes were locked onto you, looking you over in awe. He thought you looked so much healthier now, but always thinking that you look stunning, no matter the circumstance.

"How...how are you?" Will started, a small smile finally stretching across his lips. "You look," He chuckled softly, "amazing."

You looked down slightly when your face started to burn, all of your blood seeming to rush right to your face from one simple compliment. "Thank you." You said sheepishly. "You look amazing too, as usual."

Now it was Will's turn to blush, his easy to spot with his fair complexion. "Uh, do you wanna, maybe, sit down? Or we could go somewhere else, if you want to, that is. Don't feel pressured or anything." He rambled.

You smiled. "Yeah, sure." You grabbed your coffee and joined Will at the table he chose to sit at. "So, uh, how've you been?" You asked, taking tiny sips of your hot drink.

"Good, good. I'll be filming a new project soon, so that'll be fun." Will paused for a beat, then sighing despairingly . "I've been, uh, thinking about you. A lot."

"I've been thinking about you too."

"I kinda lied. I am filming something soon but, I haven't been good. Ever since we broke up, life just...kind of feels a bit grey now."

You frowned, biting your lip hard to keep tears from welling up in your eyes. "I'm sorry, Will..." You whispered. "I thought you'd be better off without me to drag you down. I was such a burden."

Will furrowed his brows, shaking his head with a frown. "No. You weren't dragging me down, I loved you, Y/n. I would've done anything for you. I know that you struggled a lot with your mental health, but I wanted to be with you through all that. I never thought you were a burden, not for a second."

"I just," You wiped an unwanted tear from your cheek, "I don't think I was ready to be in a relationship then. I've been working really hard on my health and now that I have a clearer mindset, I think it was probably for the best that I broke up with you when I did."

Will took a deep breath. "I respect that. I do. I'm happy for you, that you're better now. I don't want this to come off as selfish...but I still love you. I want to be with you. But I understand if you can't be in a relationship right now. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes if you'll let me."

You blushed furiously once more. At this point, you practically wanted to throw yourself at this man. You didn't care if it didn't work out again, you still wanted him, badly.

"I still love you too, Will. Always have."

Will smiled softly. "I don't want you to be my partner again if you're not ready."

"I don't know if I am, I'm still working on myself, but...goddamn I wanna kiss you so bad right now." You said, eliciting another blush and a shy laugh from Will.

You answered him by leaning forward slowly, rubbing your nose against his before gent as you smiled widely at him, leaning closer. You almost shivered as his cold hands reached over to delicately trace your jawline, the gesture automatically putting you in a sort of trance where you could only look into his eyes.

"I really want to kiss you." Will giggled, fully cupping the side of your jaw. "May I?"

You answered him by leaning forward slowly, rubbing your nose against his before gently connecting your lips with his.

Over a year of wanting and missing Will, you ignored your dislike of PDA, you've needed this for so long. The spark you always felt when you kissed him was still there, still giving you goosebumps along with an intense desire you definitely couldn't act on in this coffee shop.

Will pulled away, only to rest his forehead against yours, his eyes closed just relishing in the moment. "I've missed you so much."

"Me too." You chuckled breathlessly.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to rush back into things. We can take it slow if that's what you want."

This man was always such a gentleman, but it just made you even more eager to take him home with you.

"Right now, I don't think I'm capable of taking things slow." You said, a almost seductive tone to your voice.

Will smiled playfully, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "That's absolutely not taking things slow."

"How about we go to my place? Make up all the lost time?" You asked not as confidently, the feeling of rejection making you nervous, but Will smiled gently, taking a hold of your hand and kissing you once more.

"Lead the way."

~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed! Hopefully it wasn't too depressing and dark in the beginning.

[wanderingpages]

Dude how do you write??? Like what inspired your aus?? They’re so good and they’re not at all pretentious, you know? Like I can’t stand writing that tries too hard with purple prose to the point where idk if they fuckin or taking a walk in the park lmao

I don’t know I just write? Lol I’m no professional. I write like how I see the world I guess? How I think about things, especially something impactful for the day, I’d think back on that moment way too often, memorize every detail. Lol that’s why I remember so much nonsense about high school and college😩😩Usually I do dialogue first then like three edits for details and scenery 🤷🏻‍♀️ then I have like a side notes for stuff I want to happen and things I should remember later on

Idk what pretentiousness entails lmao but I do, a lot of times, cannot stand flowery prose 🙈🙈🙈 I think I tried it in a few of my earlier one shots but I cringe reading them now hahaha. As for inspo...

Ceo: I don’t know I really just wanted some office crack that sorta makes sense but doesn’t at the same time. stupid ridiculous things happening that no one questions lol also I really wanted to use stuff my little cousins and my friends say 🤡

Dark: lmao oh boy I just wanted some sort of taboo smut, so I wrote that first, then I started detailing tattoos and piercings and scars and a whole bunch of stuff that was way too in depth for just a quick au smut one shot. So I kept the smut on the back burner and tried to write stuff I’d think would happen before that hahaha so now that smut is source material for all body mods. Also I really wanted to write a bad guy Cardan in which, sure there’s a back story, but he’s like not the good guy no fucks about it and a Jude thats naïve and innocent until we realize she really isn’t.

Junior mafia: lol that was really supposed to only be a one shot then I got bombarded w sequel requests and I was like u know what I kinda do wanna explore the ghost being a love interest too... but like for the both of them haha. The first sequel was like me watching fast and furious and true romance and also robbers by the 1975, but the last two updates were really me not being in a good place and just writing nonsense to piss myself off lol 😩 idk when I’ll ever revisit that, but I think you can tell my heart wasn’t in it by the last update.

Pregnancy: I just got a a lot of requests for pregnant jurdan and I was like??? Idk about pregnancy??? (I still don’t and here I am 13 weeks pregnant lmao) I literally thought of like a parasite lmao all I knew was like that one scene in alien v predator, rosemarys baby, Juno and some weird nightmares I chronically have lmaooo but I’m like eh I can probably do something and put it all in the same setting? Tried to go for humor so that’s why it sometimes maybe seems like it should be bulked in with ceo, but there are some soft moments like the spring flower and some more serious toned ones like cardans reaction and what not. And some (one) smut lol

Rockstar: my dearest. I do love all my aus but rockstar really holds a special space in my heart. I had actually written the concept back in high school, just brain storming with my best friend who used to love my writing lmao I literally promised I’d write rockstar for her. It was a lot different then, but I think I wrote three chapters and sent it to her to ~review~ and she sent it back with all these pink comments everywhere. Originally they were OCs named David and Juliet (and a third guy named Rafe) and the concept was a little bit different; Jules and David have been friends since kids, Jules was far more outgoing and bubbly, David was more stoic, unmoved by anything except in regards to Jules, then this small band came about, Rafe was the lead singer and somehow became involved with David, pulling him into the band on the rise of fame while his relationship w Jules struggled until they finally grew apart. Then they meet again 4 years later. I had it outlined and stuff but forgot about it for years really. Then last summer my best friend passed away. She had brain cancer so we were expecting it, but it still sucked. I was going through old texts and photos and emails and I found the story I’d sent her all marked up in pink and for that whole week from her death to her funeral, I couldn’t stop thinking about the story. I ended up writing like the first 10 chapters when I came back from her funeral, tweaked it A LOT to fit in all the characters and stuff, and with taryn now involved, a lot of what happened to juliet in the original is actually split now between Jude and her (so spoiler? Easter egg?) as with Cardan and ghost/Garret, and Rafe became ~the embodiment~ of DeathSweet and our uncle randy LOL anyways basically rockstar is her story that I’d promised.

[roccinan]

1/? simply because you have the most galaxy brain thoughts ever,,, what do you think would've happened if they waited until s5 to reveal sergio and andrés were (half)brothers?

i do know that when my fam started watching lcdp at first i was so put off. like i watched ep 1 and the prof creeped me out. ""berlin"" creeped me out. e v e r y o n e creeped me out. and i was cringing so hard becz of the short lived romance angle with alison parker. i literally did not watch s1 at all xcept for like sneak peeks. highlights being the scene where berlin discovers monica is alive and does his dramatic door by door thing? that was so SUSPENSEFUL even tho i had no idea what was going on. DOMINGO DE RESURECCION remains forever iconic.

2/? And OF COURSE the group bella ciao dance when they hit earth (hahah i thought the banda were actually like a "found family where they all love each other LOL") i am a SUCKER for found family. but anyhoo when i properly got intrigued was s2 when tokyo was kicked out (the music from that scene is still my favourite) it's just so dramatic..!! why am i telling u all this again? right, i haven't slept a wink and it's nearly 7 am pls forgive me if these rambles make no sense. i have a point with this.. i'm going somewhere

RIGHT. so when the fam actually rewound the ep cz i wanted to know WHY berlin did that (didn't fully realise how batsht crazy he can be), the russian roulette scene played. and pedro's acting. MAN. and like just that ep they made a point of showing us these flashbacks where sergio and andrés hug....

Hi anon! Thanks for stopping by- sorry took me a while to get back to you, will do my best to answer this string of messages (got all 4 parts)! Glad you like my thoughts XD

Firstly, I believe Andres/Sergio would be the biggest LCDP ship if the writers were evil enough to wait until s5 to reveal that they’re brothers asdfasdf. They’re already the two most popular male characters anyway. 

It’d be especially crazy because it’s not like they tell the actors these things beforehand either. So that means there’d probably be a Serdres vs Berlermo vs Serquel fight every 5 minutes. I mean, even if not everyone agrees on everything in the lcdp fandom, it’s the most “peaceful” one I’ve ever been in because no character really gets in the way of any other ship (like even with helermo and berlermo there’s no true conflict since Andres is dead). But with Serdres in the mix?? CATASTROPHE. Everyone out here writing essays about how much of a bastard/bitch/homewrecker/motherfucker that Andres or Sergio or Martin or Raquel is. Never a moment’s peace!! so basically, a regular fandom lmao.

Then when we find out they’re brothers, it goes from catastrophe to Apocalypse. Suddenly serquel and berlermo have the upper hand. Everyone would double down and harass the crew/cast into whatever’s going on.  Plot-wise, everything is the same though, just without Andres calling Sergio “hermanito.” Fandom however, would be a minefield! And I’m glad that’s not the case because I’d probably be an unfortunate serdres shippers XD No joke, my mother and I thought they were a couple in S1. So bullet dodged!

Secondly: haha, everyone creeped me out in S1 too, especially Berlin, I hated him, but thinking back, I think I mostly hated the fact that I didn’t hate him as much as I should have. I’ve made peace with it now but oh boy, was he a controversial figure in my head. I actually like the professor on sight though! IDK why, maybe because I thought his plans were cool or because of Alvaro’s delivery. I was afraid of an Alison Parker romance thing too- like, I do feel like she had a storyline that got dropped, but that part was quite cringey and overall unnecessary to the plot. Same with Ariadna, which was even cringier and even Less necessary to the plot. 

Domingo de resurrecion was iconic though yes! And even with all that said, I genuinely enjoyed parts 1 and 2 because it was so different from anything else I’d seen. Not content wise, but maybe tonally? IDK, they were just really bold with a lot of things, like being objectively unafraid of having the protagonists (plural because all of them did LMAO) do objectively shitty things. Really kept me in suspense from beginning to end! 

I’m usually a big fan of found families too! The funny thing is, then banda never struck me as a “family” until season 3. In 1 and 2, I was wondering what felt different about this show; then it hit me that these people remained colleagues to the end. Like, they backstabbed each other (repeatedly) and everyone was quite selfish, and only the bonds that were already there stuck. They were the opposite of a found family LOL But I think by S3, they went down the found family route and I didn’t mind because it makes quite a lot of sense for them to feel that bond after the Mint heist and almost dying/living together (and having witnessed 3 deaths together on the team). But I still doubt Berlin and Palermo were ever really part of this found family, with good reason XD

LOL the scene where Tokyo got kicked out is also among my favorites!! It was so funny and dramatic, and it was like, wow we can go anywhere with this now! Don’t worry- your rambles and thoughts are always welcome :D

I’m rolling over how you watched the Tokyo expulsion scene before the Russian Roulette scene haha. Also yes, PEDRO. Berlin may have been “controversial” to me at first, but I became Pedro’s fan from day one! Also the Hug is probably what made me like Berlin (despite my determination to hate him rip) in the first place. 

3/? ... and like now that i think about it... tokyo had real guts huh. like she KNEW berlin was close enough to el prof to know his name (fhshshs imagine if she'd heard andrés saying 'hermanito' it's unrealistic that she didn't TBH. i mean obviously they decided to make them brothers only towards the end but like in canon universe. how tf did andrés de 'i raised my bby brother since he was 12 and i'd actually die for him and his stupidly brilliant plans' fonollosa go 5 months without slipping up once and calling sergio hermanito. or like,,, i like to imagine sergio kinda gave him lots of leeway(?) sergio's a lil oblivious too but like i'm sure half of it is.. that's my dumbass older bro shut up i'm not being partial you all have city names .. andr-berlin, pass the salt. like OOF. + sergio also knew his big bro was dYiNG so like. i'm sure they were sneaking in some quality time (i hope they did 😭 gosh imagine if sergio really did not ever consider the possibility of andrés dying in the heist so he'd tell himself he needs to perfect the plan now & anyway he'll have enough time to spend w/ his brother post heist in philippines. and then ... that happened :/

Tokyo has guts in place of braincells you bet that she’d do something like this, consequences be damned XD I also think it’s unrealistic for Andres not to slip up, but I have a feeling nobody besides Tokyo really tried to spy on them in private. I headcanon that Andres instead slips up and does things like ruffle Sergio’s hair or adjust his tie when other people are around. I also think Tokyo was convinced that they were a gay couple when she saw them hug XD And if Sergio never went on to tell the banda that Berlin was his brother, everyone would be giving Palermo such awkward looks after Nairobi accused him of being in love with Berlin LMAO. 

I agree! I also imagine Sergio giving Andres leeway because he’s just so used to interacting with his brother that way haha. So either he’d go out of his way to ignore Berlin in front of everyone else or IDK, borderline telepathically communicate with him. Not even “pass the salt” has to leave his mouth- Berlin just puts salt into his food and cuts it up for him, in front of everyone who’s just staring like O.O

I actually do think Sergio never considered the possibility of Andres dying in the heist because he was just that confident in his own plan. Plus, Andres was probably the one person he expected to survive. And a lot of it has to do with Sergio’s attachment to him + Andres’ own habit of downplaying any illness/injury over the years, which I think is safe to believe canon. He was really in no condition to be in the heist, let alone lead it. Just the fact that he needs to take those injections is a big sign that he shouldn’t be there, but Sergio didn’t catch it because he’s human and blinded by faith :’) So yeah, I think Sergio was planning to spend proper time with Andres in Palawan and at Toledo, they just settled for those little moments by the fireplace. 

4/? what always also just GETS me in the feels is that el prof was shown to be this in control creepily calm dude who is miles ahead of everyone. + in the 1st Toledo class itself we see how detached,, like how impersonal he is, how professional - choosing frickin CITY NAMES?! no 'personal relationships' ? (after recruiting his older brother, a father son pair, and war cousins... oh sergio 😂 he's such a frickin nerd and i love him) but like the earlier seasons really emphasised how robotic and down right COLD he can be. it still sometimes bothers me that he put the button in the car. he lead the police to his own damn brother, his blood, who took care of him and adopted him and was terminally ill and like - UGH i try to rationalise that sergio is that cold and unbothered. or that he has strict morals. but it still bothers me becz that button really sort of tipped andres' already unstable sanity. like andr��s tells denver someth like you've robbed my future and after that he just seems so much more suicidal and accepting that he can't get out of the mint alive - WHY SERGIO WHY. I KNOW THAT AT THAT POINT YOU BASICALLY DIDN'T KNOW ANDRÉS WAS GOING TO BE YOUR BROTHER YET BECZ IT WASN'T WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT BUT WHYYYYY

That’s so funny to me too LMAO No personal relationships, then he recruits these guys. Sergio, hello?? Also can’t forget how he just recruited his own girfrleind in the second heist too. Buddy! Love this nerd.

I don’t think that cold aspect of Sergio went away in later seasons either; he just had more opportunity to show a more open side of himself + without Andres, he had to metaphorically leave his comfort zone without a safety net. But in earlier seasons, he really did seem heartless at times XD Then again, we can argue that the same goes for Andres.

To be fair, I didn’t feel sorry for Andres over the button thing lol, but once the brothers reveal happened and all of Alvaro/Pedro’s headcanons came out and we know everything Andres did for Sergio, it makes what Sergio did REALLY harsh. We really just have to explain it through Sergio’s strict morals and him believing this to be the best non-fatal punishment for Andres, who at that point had convinced him he killed a hostage. And because he knew the television interview was coming up, maybe Sergio assumed Andres would use it to “clear” his name anyway. And empathy isn’t one of Sergio’s strong suits either, so through that lens, I can rationalize it.

Also it was lowkey funny to me how Andres was there like DENVER MUST DIE until he found out Sergio put the button there, then he was like “oh hermanito, you and your practical jokes <3″

Still, like you said, Andres and Sergio weren’t brothers yet at this point. They were probably supposed to be lovers lmao and had a dysfunctional Hannibal Lecter x Will thing going on. But because they made #hermanos canon, that button moment just feels very out of place now, especially given how much the two genuinely love each other.

Guess we could also say that Sergio’s just generally kinda bratty with Andres XD Like, he knows no matter what, Andres would forgive him anything. That’s how I see it anyway! 

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[hmajorgirl]

so here I am for old times sake. it’s been 5 years and a lot has changed. but i’m kinda still the same. maybe my inner monologue doesn’t sound as self-assured as it did when I was 15. maybe i don’t romanticise the shit out of every 2 second eye contact i make with cute strangers. maybe i don’t grammar well anymore because i think it’s a cute look. Oh wow. so much of the world has changed. facial recognition, instagram shops, the pandemic... so many new songs i play on repeat until i’m sick of them. i’m a lot less motivated than i was before, and i’m ashamed to admit that. i have smile lines. i feel more and more defeated everyday (actually, we’re trying to work on this). but yh the sad emo vibes never quite dissipated like i dreamed they would, i felt so betrayed by the order of things and the way of the world that i lost a lot of hope. gave up on myself (a bit... a lot sometimes). but other times, it’s gucci. i feel like i’m definitely more cringe than cheesy now. not sure if that’s a good thing, pretty sure it’s not. 

hmm. what hasn’t changed? still unfortunately in love with love, but i can mostly see the difference between real life and the cute shit that happens in my head. i’m learning to have faith, to trust. to start living life and exist in the same dimension as other people because even though it sucks, it’s better than existing alone in your head. i realised that studying will only get you a quarter of the way to things and unfortunately stopped that shit. it wasn’t a good idea because i didn’t pick anything else up. i’m still writing songs. still singing them badly. BUT my singing has improved marginally:) i still love my parents, family is all good (touch wood). still a bit too impressionable but we’re working on building a stronger willpower and independence. still love taylor swift. still want to run away to the creative industry. still want to runaway sometimes (in general). I still write! sometimes. wow, i guess some things really just don’t change. 

The good? Hmm my eyes have been opened to the multi-dimensions of wealth and inequality and cultural differences that exist in the world. I am thankful for that and didn’t know that money could buy so much. but simultaneously feel disheartened that the discrepancy is so large between people at birth. inequity is real and idk how i feel about that because i really believed in the natural justice system. and then I was so caught up in these feelings of betrayal and injustice that i forgot that i am lucky enough to have the opportunity to change things. I forgot about it for 5 years and now it feels like it’s too late. i know it’s not. 

that was a digression. 

the good. okay. hmm discovered korean dramas and the mastery that is cinema and how it evokes emotions through stories and idk that’s just a piece of my soul coming together. i work out occasionally. sadly i stopped dance but i’m vowing to sign up for classes once i have the money. i got a spotify membership and spend my days making playlists for myself and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I really hate how my inner core is so soft and romantic, it’s not fit for the capitalist society that we’re living under. i have friends, i like them, they like me. there is a guy, maybe. there were a few guys actually. i’m not sure how long this one is going to be around for GAHHH omg imagine if i re-read this in five years time and i’m laughing at myself because he screwed me over so bad idk. i have bad self-esteem issues. i am kinda joking, kinda not. okay, i like him but let’s move onto another topic. i’m trying my best to adult and be honest with my feelings and approach things with feigned maturity to mask my pre-teen thoughts. let’s leave it at that:)

i remember that taylor said that the lucky one was the hardest song to write for the red album. because it was solely about her and her life. no guys (apart from the second verse but okay that’s not central to the song). it’s the same for me. i don’t want to talk about the direction of my professional life because it scares me more than messing my life up romantically. for now, i’m beginning to see the role of passion and interest in work and it’s importance. I’m trying my best to walk towards that direction because i know that ultimately i want a career that I would love to work overtime for. but i’m still trying to balance the scales between what i want and the confinements of reality. i need to make money. sometimes it feels like an either or kind of situation and i don’t know what to do. but maybe this is just standard 20 year old thoughts. okay but we have 2 months left of uni so i’m going back to studying. i hope that when i look back on this i would have a 2:1 bachelors (but let’s be honest we want a first) 

some final thoughts for 25 year old me because why not make your tumblr a time-capsule? dodie-style. 

what are you listening to right now? I’m listening to 21 by gracie. Are you seeing anyone? Honestly, I don’t see you in a steady relationship because i feel like your self-esteem will get in the way of things - either that or you get your shit together and focus on your career too much. I hope it’s the latter. I hope family is all well and healthy. call them. right now, if you’re not living with them. DEAR GOD PLS don’t still be living with them. OH GOD DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FLAT/HOUSE?? where are you by the way? london? what are you doing right now career-wise? how’s it going? is it what you want to do? does it fit in with your life plan? please tell me you have a life plan by now. i hope i’m proud of you. i hope you’re working hard. how are you? really? are you rich enough to afford therapy and weekly spin/pilates sessions? what’s up with your social circle? are you still writing? ARE THERE DRONES EVERYwhere? How’s chloe? Elizabeth? Jason? Update me, what happened with the guy - i want to hear a story. do you cook now? did you manage to turn your personality type from a 2/9 enneagram to a 3? bitch we gonna work on this. do you still write songs? can you sing? you don’t have kids right lmao pls no god help us. what’s your yearly salary post-tax? did you start dancing again? did you start to learn piano again? what happened with the pandemic? how long were you quarantined for? do you still make spotify playlists haha? what tv series are you currently binging? do you hate me? please tell me your still blogging ur life on ur private instagram. how many followers do you have now? who are you having conversations right now with on facebook? what are your colleagues like? are you less people orientated now that you’ve realised that they cannot provide you with the love that you are depriving yourself of from yourself? DO YOU READ? are you the perfect health-freak, ig-girl, smart business woman, go-getter in her white suit at the glass media company that you dreamed about being at those dark spin sessions? GOD IMAGINE. I hope you are but i don’t have faith right now. pls tell me you don’t teach (or you teach and ur salary is insane in a good way). are you a journalist? you didn’t go into consulting right? did you study again after uni? are you the screenwriter that you’ve dreamed about? did your poetry account blow up and now you’re a full time poet? I still kinda hope you work at a nice glass office (brand consulting, advertising, media, journalism) and wear cute coords suits to work. and i hope you’re writing on the side because it’s who you are. I hope you’re reading lots and I hope you’re super smart and switched on. I hope you’re memory has improved a lot. I hope you’re in love, I hope he loves you back and I hope you know that too. I hope you have a great and healthy relationship with your parents and see your extended family and grandparents often. I hope everyone is healthy and I hope you took your parents to duck and waffle like you wanted (don’t do it when you’re poor though). I hope you’re taking care of your health and eating well. I hope you’re still dreaming in a realistic way. I hope you have great mentors and a supportive friend group. I hope you’re living your best life. re-read the defining decade. but i hope you don’t reminisce to much anymore and don’t write too many songs because you’re 25, time to break out the novel shit. I hope you’ve travelled alot. I hope you spend a few more summers in china falling in love with life and yourself again. how is your chinese? are you still a romantic? tell me, have you changed, if at all? do you read the news? are you less cynical about yourself and more realistic or less optimistc about the world? I hope you are. contingencies are important.

are you excited for the future? I hope you are. if not, please change, you have time, all you need is faith and diligence. hope you’re holding up well. Me? at 20? I’m excited about what my 25 year old self is going to be like, like i was excited to see what my gcse results were going to be like. I hope the results are the same. work hard. i love you. hope you love yourself more. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. have faith. :) i can’t do much for you, but i hope i did a lot to get to where you are right now. hoping is useless, i’m going to work now. 

take care x

[shock777archive]

I got this question on deviantart, and I felt like reposting my answer here, in case anyone is interested :P 

THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG REPLY BUT BEAR WITH ME LOL When I first started drawing/am I self taught : I've been drawing since kindergarten. Anime specifically, since I was about 8 years old. so that's been uh...18 years since I've started drawing in the anime-esque style? I am self taught on these areas. I picked up a digital artist tablet at the age of 13 or so, (it was a wacom Graphire 4 4x5 in) so it's been 13 years of digital art practice i've gotten in. I have picked up several how to draw books over the years until i surpassed some of them. But even now i'm constantly referencing tutorials and poses, looking for ideas and color palettes, etc. I have taken some schooling in college for art. I took beginner's drawing and color theory and maybe a little of art history but that's about it before i quit lmao What inspired me to draw in the first place/what I first drew: The thing that inspired me to draw in the first place was my favorite cartoons. from a very young age i knew that cartoons weren't real, but it fascinated me that actual people could create almost living people. I related to cartoons, and even though they were fake characters, I just loved the idea of creating a whole world of my own. So I took up drawing in kindergarten. First things I drew were flowers, rainbows, trees, etc. But My first biggest undertaking was powerpuffgirls. lol This was the series that started it all. Began drawing tons of powerpuffgirls stories and oc's. For the next few years I would watch different things like all the standard cartoon network shows. But I watched yugioh and dbz and other anime things too. What also got me into anime art style was the online game neopets lol Their faeries designs ( http://images.neopets.com/games/pages/icons/screenshots/586/4.jpg ) kind of had an anime resemblance, so I started drawing those for a while. When I was 8 or 9 years old my father bought me my first how to draw manga book (this one in particular: https://www.amazon.com/Art-Drawing-Manga-Ben-Krefta/dp/1841931713  ) looking back on it, this book is terrible and the anime in it is so ugly looking lol. However, i used that thing religiously and began making my own characters like a blue elf girl and a human friend of hers. ( in fact, here's the post. i tried redrawing them recently lol: https://shock777.tumblr.com/post/145898896143/finding-old-art-is-the-best-cause-you-can-redraw ) ...Then the real transformation began once I started watching Teen Titans when it aired in 2003. I was 10 at the time. That show started my love for japan. The language interested me and I began researching Japanese songs and trying to sing along to them. I didn't know what the words meant, but the artistic style and meshing of western cartoons and anime of the show really piqued my interest. My earliest drawings of them suckedddd XD; As Teen Titans drew to a close near 2006-2007 ish, I picked up Naruto and then it was all over since then lol my anime style and weeb days really came into full force lol I thank naruto though. I learned how to draw more realistic anatomy as opposed to cartoony anatomy. It was a very wild ride, but it's all documented here on my deviantart page as I got this exact account around the same time! I started posting my work in 2008, so you can go back far enough into my gallery and see the progress XD; I keep the old cringe up because it just motivates me and hopefully others, to keep drawing and keep going farther! :) PHEW lol long history there XD I do have some of my old art!!! If you wanna see some, I've posted a little here: https://shock777.tumblr.com/tagged/old-art plus I already said there's a few still on my dA gallery haha Tips I can give to you: 1. And I think this is most important, JUST KEEP GOING. It's soooo tempting to quit drawing when things aren't going right and when you're not happy with how your art looks. Trust me, every artist I've ever known including myself have gone through this. It's so easy to compare your work to someone else's. The thing is, we're all in this together. No one expects a newborn to be able to file taxes or drive a car lol. We all have to evolve and change, and that change comes from consistent work. Art isn't an inherent talent, it is hard work that is honed over several years of blood, sweat and tears lmao JUST KEEP GOING. as I've mentioned, my old cringe art is still on my dA page. Back then when I was younger I was less concerned with things being perfect and I spam posted almost every doodle. And I began a "fanbase" i guess because of those days and my consistent posting. I've had this freaking deviantart page for 11 freakin years. If I had stopped drawing whenever I felt my art was imperfect or not good enough, I would have stopped posting around 2009. so...just keep going. And I'd even dare you to post your "shitty doodles" that you think aren't that great. Because you never know what someone else will see in it that you don't. Be confident, and never give up! 2. Soak up any tutorial and really focus on studying your favorite artist's styles. If there's something you want to replicate in your art that someone else is drawing, try to see how they do it. sometimes artists have tutorials posted and sometimes they don't. I have a few posted on my youtube channel ( https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRB9xQBsGpfetNJbmXWZ1fL9d5IlqQs1w ) and some in my gallery. Don't exactly copy some things stroke for stroke, but try to add your little spin to something. Like sometimes I will see art senpai drawing a specific eye style I wanna replicate, but I don't like one part of the process. So sometimes I'll just add my own little addition, or just omit that process completely. Usually though, if the art style isn't necessarily super unique, you can copy a lot of mainstream styles without anyone really griping saying "oh you're just copying so and so's art style". It's important to look up to art senpais i think. They make me want to try harder lol 3. Take an art class if you're able. Color theory really helped me grasp things that I never had before. LIKE REFLECTIVE LIGHT FOR INSTANCE. I never drew that shit but now I do because DUH it's so freaking obvious lol It also helps to learn what colors neutralize others, complementary colors, analogous ones, etc. It's nice to have an eye for what matches together and to know the principles of art. I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to perspective, which we did cover a little in class lol but work on your own pace. If your college near you offers a class for beginners, take it if you're able. it will help you view things differently. 4. Copy realistically. Like, I'm talking look at a freaking object in your room and try to draw it. Once you can draw it semi realistically, you can then add your own little stylistic choices to it. Like so many artists who draw chibis or cartoony things, they more than likely know the proper proportions of people and anatomy. But they draw the proportions all whacky and it creates their own style. However it does help to know how they work in reality lol 5. TRACE OVER POSES. Sometimes I do this. I'm not saying to trace someone's art, but if you see some kind of pose on say a google image, or a stock photo, try sketching over it to get a feel for where the joints connect if you're working on anatomy. It reaaaallly helps you memorize where the arm would end, or where the torso connects to the hips. 6. Take advice and criticism well. If someone sees something you don't about your art, they may be on to something. It's not wrong if someone gives you a heads up that a proportion seems lacking or something seems too big or out of place. It will actually help you to see what others see. Sometimes we get in the habit of drawing something a certain way and it's hard to break that habit especially if you've drawn the same thing several hundred times. It will help you in the long run to just accept that you're always going to be improving. You'll never be perfect at drawing, so what do you have to lose? Just keep walking forward and learn what you can. 7. Flip the canvas. This is more or less a digital art tip, but please flip the canvas to make sure the proportions are not off. lol A lot of professionals have to flip the canvas until they get a feel for where things are placed. Another good tip is to use a stabilizer of some kind to draw straight lines. Paint tool sai has one at the very top of the window. It helps tremendously. 8. Draw what you like and don't feel bad for not drawing everything everyone else likes. Don't sacrifice your morals or your personal desires for something everyone else likes. If you're paid to draw something you don't like, thats another thing. but don't let people pressure you to draw stuff that you don't want to. You'll be much happier, and build an audience that is much like-minded to you. Be considerate of what your audience likes, sure, but remember at the end of the day, art is something to express one's self. Art is not and should not be a job. Even if you get paid money to draw or design things, it's important to take a break and draw something for yourself every once in a while. Be self indulgent, and treat yo self from time to time :) And uhhh...that's all I can think of for the time being. :') let me know if you have any further questions or if I need to clarify anything :) Thanks again!

[mjwatson]

the MJ/gwen debacle

“mary jane loved spider-man and gwen loved peter parker / gwen is the better character and love interest than mj.”

i’m sorry, i’m just tired. so i decided to make a master post once and for all bc i am over itttt.

anybody who has been following me longer than a week probably knows i despise gwen. not necessarily because of the character, but because of her fandom. BUT i am going to try my absolute best to remain professional and not let my hatred for the character seep into this. i mean... i am only human so i can’t promise i’ll be perfect, but let’s do this.

let me start this off by saying, i despise the mindset that if you don’t read the comics, you’re a lesser fan, and i despise the people who look down on people who only watch the movies. that is not what this is about. i am not trying to flex my comic book muscles at you. you’re entitled to your opinions and don’t have to justify them or be incredibly knowledgable in your opinions. but if you are only a movie fan, and find yourself spreading FALSE information about a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD inaccurate portrayal of MJ and a five year old portrayal of gwen stacy that is JUST as inaccurate (as her character in the TASM movies are heavily based off of MJ), that’s not cool. do not be that person.

so if you want to know how both relationships went down in the comics, feel free to read on. please be aware this looks like a long ass post, only because i included a lot of comic panels. if you want to just read the text then the post will move along a lot quicker.

gwendolyn maxine stacy. very first appearance in the amazing spider-man #31 with harry osborn and flash thompson. throughout this issue, gwen thinks how despite peter not being built, that he’s smart and good looking, attractive etc. peter has been in his head all day because his aunt was sick.

gwen decides to finally talk to him after thinking that he’s cute.

when peter can’t give her the time of day, she gets icy and storms off. 

some other things happen with peter, still has his mind elsewhere, and gwen stacy tries again.

not being able to handle the fact that he isn’t giving her attention, and getting mad about it. she then isn’t in the next few issues. when she does reappear, she’s revelling in the attention she is getting.

then gwen and peter’s first real interaction happens.

still icy cold towards him. then she doesn’t appear for another few issues. the next time we see her, she persist.

still no luck. she’s still angry and tells him she thinks he’s a coward.

literally all she has done so far since being introduced is be mad lmao. and then she literally just makes fun of him. i’m not even skipping scenes or anything.

sure peter could be more friendly and not so immersed with his secret identity, but you never know what’s going on with somebody, so this behaviour is just immature to me (i mean i blame the writers, but since gwen is a character written by these writers, unfortunately that’s how she is). in the next scene she’s – shocker – still mad, and even tries to slap him. to be fair, peter’s a douche in this scene too. bad bad writing.

idk if this is their way in trying to build up sexy fiery passion or something... but it was just executed so poorly. gwen was mad because peter wasn’t giving her attention so she pouted about it, and then now they are enemies? whaaat.

but i guess that interaction... somehow worked? because in the next scene she’s sticking up for him a little. so that cool of gwen, props.

over the next few issues, not much happens with her. she either just appears and doesn’t say anything, or thinks about peter, or they flirt a little bit like this:

so that was issue #31 to issue #41. 10 issues. of gwen being mad at peter for not paying attention to her, and them starting to flirt a bit when he finally did. 

then in issue #42, mary jane watson is brought up, and gwen is not too please about it, gets pissed off, and takes it out on flash.

peter fights some baddies, goes back home, and then the iconic face it tiger scene with mary jane watson happens 11 issues after gwen’s first appearance.

the next issue we get to take a look at how the blind date is going and... let me warn you....... mary jane talks so fucking weird/funny oh my god. these comics do not age well. her lingo makes me cringe but i love her anyways. what we gather from this is that she’s fun and peter is smitten with her. she’s easy going and is taking drama classes.

she’s care free and doesn’t take herself too seriously.

then rhino stuff happens and peter is thinking of a way to bail on mj, but then she suggests they hop on his motorcycle and drive down to the action to see it for themselves. 

so then pete blows her off cause he has to do spidey things and when they reunite, mj isn’t mad about it, and they actually make plans to hang out some more.

he then bumps into flash, harry and gwen, and they give him a hard time and peter compares gwen to mj, saying that he bet mj wouldn’t stand by like gwen did when flash was bullying him.

the next issue they’re all hanging together, studying, and mj walks in, and they all meet her for the first time.

the first thing mj actually does is address gwen, being perfectly pleasant. then she takes peter away on a date, and gwen gets jealous and takes it out on flash.

peter becomes very smitten with mj.

but then peter cancels their plans on her twice in a row and she doesn’t get mad at all. she just stays chill about it. but she ends up making other plans, and peter sees her and harry out to go to the disco, and peter is an ass.

over the next bit they all hang out together, peter and mj are flirty, gwen is finally letting her hair down a bit and dancing. they’re all becoming pals!

then peter wants gwen again bc peter can’t make up his fkin mind clearly, and gwen is the one to blow him off this time. the good thing is, she’s being nice about mary jane at least! i do like how they are friends in the comics.

peter goes back and forth on gwen and mj for multiple issues, they both clearly like him back. nothing too groundbreaking to share as of yet. i’m just thankful for mj and gwen’s friendship. i hate how people forget that when pitting the girls against each other.

this is pretty much one of the only times it’s mentioned that gwen is into science tho...

then peter and mj are hanging, and gwen shows up.

gwen says something very interesting in the panel above. peter jokes wondering if mj is ever serious, and gwen says “far more often than she’d like you to suspect, mr. p”. this kind of foreshadows mj’s actual character, how she’s a party girl, flaky, care free, and it’s all a mask. because in reality, she had an awful, abusive home life, and not being serious is how she copes with that. so that was insightful on gwen’s part, or just some forshadowing from the writers.

not much happens for a few issues. then peter and gwen have their first kiss.

then a baddie tries to use mj as a shield, and peter saves her. she’s the first to swing with spidey! and then mj jokes about it and brushes it off because she’s strong af.

then peter and captain stacy got in a kerfuffle and they were fighting, and cap stacy was about to whack peter with his cane, but peter’s spider senses wet off and knocked cap stacy to the ground. gwen ran in and saw it, and got mad at peter.

not much happens for awhile. everyone is so preoccupied with their own problems. peter can’t stop thinking of gwen, she is still mad at him, etc etc.

it’s funny bc the readers were preferring mj at this time despite them trying to make the peter/gwen thing a thing, so stan lee made mj get a god awful, ugly haircut in hopes it would make people like gwen more.

still lots of drama with gwen’s dad, gwen is still not talking to peter, but they both think of each other, mj isn’t in the comics for a bit.

but then gwen’s dad finally tells gwen what happened so then they’re all good again.

so then they’re good. they’re dating again. but this happens lmao

then gwen gets mad at him later on for constantly disappearing. while gwen does get mad too often, i agree with her on this because peter is very flaky (for good reason, but she doesn’t know that).

mary jane is MIA from the comics for a long time and the non spidey scenes normally just consist of gwen and peter being good for a little bit and then inevitably fighting again over something dumb.

more of just contant on n off again, happy n pissed off at each other, etc etc, i think the writers were out of ideas lol. THEN 17 FREAKING ISSUES LATER MJ FINALLY RETURNS. with better hair.

then peter and gwen are really good and in love, then gwen and peter get hit by a truck, peter doesn’t visit gwen in the hospital till later cause of spidey stuff, gwen gets mad at him for it. LOTS OF BACK AND FORTH GOD DAMN.

then it finally got enough and in a frenzy peter tells everyone he’s spider-man, and gwen does not take the news well.

but then at the end of the issue he says he had the flu and didn’t mean what he said and gwen was happy again.

but then peter was with cap stacy when he died, and people blamed spider-man for captain stacy’s dead.

resulting in gwen hating spider-man because she blamed him for her father’s death.

then gwen says she’s gonna move to london to live w/ her uncle. and peter doesn’t want her to go. and they say i love you and it’s sweet, but then she mentions how she hates peter’s other half again.

gwen goes to london and they breakup.

all throughout the comic there’s always little things like this where it’s very clear mj is into peter. she never even remotely talks about spider-man, it’s always about peter.

but gwen is still peter’s high school sweetheart and he still loves her and thinks about her, and she him.

so she comes back to new york.

then they’re in looooove. but there’s not much content of them being together n happy for the next few issues, it’s mainly just spidey fighting bad guys. then when she does come back peter is rude n lies to her and then gwen is sad again.

THEN THEY’RE FINE AGAIN GJDSKSGJDKG I CAN’T KEEP TRACK

okay you guys it honestly goes back and forth so much. they’re good, then they’re awful, they’re good, then they’re awful. so i’m not going to be providing those panels anymore because i think you get the idea that it’s pretty unstable.

she does stick up for peter though, which is pretty awesome.

but then

the time has come

where gwen dies

and then one of the most iconic peter/mj moments happen. peter lashes out at mj because he’s broken about gwen’s death, but despite mj being flighty due to her abusive upbringing, she sticks around anyways.

they originally had her rushing over at the end to hug him, but instead changed it to her just closing the door because that held more weight.

she’s there for him.

mj sticks up for peter and harry, but she’s treated like shit by yet another man.

and here you can see very well how mj really wants to be there for peter, but then her guard is up because all she knows is men treating her like trash. and to prevent anyone getting close to her so they can hurt her, she pushes them away and doesn’t let them in.

but the death of gwen do make them grow and look after each other, getting closer to each other for wanting to be there for each other.

gwen’s death still heavily on peter’s mind, though.

the thing i don’t get about the whole ‘mj only loved spider-man not peter parker’ argument is that MJ WAS SO FUCKIN OBVIOUS ABOUT HER INFATUATION WITH PETER ALL THE TIME AND NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SPIDER-MAN EVER?

but i love these panels below so, so much. really shows how hard it is for mary jane to let people in/admit her feelings. but it’s very clear she does love him, but peter isn’t emotionally available yet.

except despite them both being stubborn about their feelings, they grow closer and closer.

but peter’s still haunted by gwen.

but then peter and mj have their first kiss, and it changes everything forever.

gwen comes back as a clone, and then this happens.

but then after they depart, this immediately happens, and this has been confirmed that mj and peter solidified their relationship ~*by doin it*~ and it was peter’s first time.

and then thinking of her gives him the strength to fight back.

and then their relationship grows more and more very beautifully, mj letting peter in, peter letting her in. mj finally tells peter she knows he’s spider-man, so she’s the only one who understand that part of his life. 

i’m not going to continue as this post was just about the gwen/mj dynamic while gwen was alive. but if you want to continue reading posts about why i love mj, and peter and mj’s relationship, and how it grew beautifully, you can check out my “reasons why i love mary jane watson” series, as it’s a never ending string of my love!

i hope this was informative. i get so many messages about this so i created this post so i can just direct people this way.

let me know if you have any other recommendations or anything. :)

[flora-land]

Pandemic

I don't know why but I make a habit of not reading through anything I write on here, I sort of just unleash all of my feelings onto here and then put it aside and move on. I guess thats a good thing? I mean I know that I have been told to do it countless times and it is known as a good technique for dealing with emotions but its such a hard thing to do, I know for me personally it took so long to actually be able to write down, or type in this case, what was going on inside my head. Anyway don't really know why I wrote that hey ho its all part of it isn't it. Right now we’re in the middle of a pandemic. Coronavirus has taken over the world and so we’re in lockdown. Honestly, its crazy. You really. could not have said that this was going to happen, I mean thats a bit of a silly thing to say but what I mean is that who’d have thought that in 2020 a deadly virus would force the entire world to go into lockdown. When you really think about it, its honestly crazy. Yet people don't seem to be taking it that seriously. I understand that its difficult to change so suddenly but honestly, if someone told you that you cant leave your house unless its for necessities bc theres a deadly virus taking over the world, you would listen, right? I dunno its just weird to me that people aren't listening to the governments advice as they have all the top professionals involved in the decision making but whatever. Lets talk about ME!!!!!! lol I love being dramatic and being like that, I find it so funny to be like, okay so anyway lets talk about me now!!! obviously its a joke and I don't know why I find it so funny but I'm literally here laughing as I right this so something must be funny about it hahahahaha. lol look at how I avoided actually talking about myself there tho lmao so anyway, I'm doing alright I guess. So whats been going on, had a couple weeks at uni, it was really fun, although looking back now it doesnt really feel like anything happened, it was just pretty standard uni life, lectures, hockey, going out. I’d been talking to billy over Christmas and we went on a date at end of feb, I know, why, I'm literally cringing thing about it ew ew ew WHY DO DATES FREAK ME OUT?! but yeah this was really weird, we went to gin and juice and like it was fine we got on and convo flowed but I feel like my personality was on 3000000% like I felt so hyperactive I didn't feel like myself. Then when I was in bed that night, on my own might I add, I felt to drained and sad and anxious. I honestly felt horrific. It felt like to two extremes of myself, like the fun exciting hyperactive side came out and so when I was alone the anxious, sad, depressed, miserable side came out. I hated it. I still don't really know what to think about it, I mean I guess its the only date I've ever been on by why did it affect me like that and will it do it again and why am I a fucking freak!!!!!!!!!  so anyway yeah kind of kept seeing billy but not really it was only when I was drunk or bored and was still getting with other people and told him that and I told him that I didn't want a boyfriend or anything serious so I havent done anything wrong really? I mean I think so but obviously i’m going to think that I’m very biased lol. He still messages everyday and tbf its actually kinda annoying, I only reply once or twice a day nd give such shit replies that I feel bad but I dunno what else I'm supposed to do, when I give a shit reply or even when I don't reply at all he still messages me, ah well. So yeah theres that, and then theres Dom. I don't really know what to say about him at the moment, we hung out so much last term and had so much fun, we occasionally got with each other but it didn't feel like anything serious or weird, I mean there were sometimes things that felt more than friendly but I never read into it too much. The other day I rung him for a catch up as he hadn't FaceTimed this whole lock down (like 5 weeks), he was on a zoom quiz with his mates so I listened and talked through that, then he left their call and spoke to me. I felt like it was only making convo and trying to talk and then he did something to really upset me. I don't want to put it on the internet but if I ever read this back, I'll know what he did. It just made me feel so disrespected and unappreciated. He was supposed to be one of my best friends, he has treated me like shit in the past and this was the final straw. I’m honestly really sad about it bc I think there will always be part of me that loves him, was just never sure in what way as I could never imagine him being a good boyfriend but I don't love him in the way I love tom or charlie. It’s a weird one. So yeah we havent spoken since that night, I'm trying to wait for him to message me and at least apologise but like, how long am I supposed to wait? what if we never speak again? I dunno. But thats that I guess. Other than that I'm kind of enjoying lock down, I'm really getting into my spirituality and am learning about moon cycles so that I can deeper understand my emotions and intuition. I’m exercising every day and am getting so much more flexible, I think that on a personal and spiritual level I'm doing quite well. I mean I say that but I do also feel shit about my body and the way I look. I’m always so torn between feeling so thankful for my body and feeling strong, or feeling disgusting and hateful. It’s a journey I guess, just gotta keep trying to be positive and grateful for where I am and what I have. Thats the main thing that I'm taking out of this. I’m so beyond grateful for having a loving home to come back to, for all my family being safe and healthy, and of course for having ruby here with me.