#still cannot believe that we got a full on marriage proposal with Memori

[doortotomorrow]

Murphy : You have to go! Emori : Shh! Shut up, John! My answer's yes...I will love you forever, even if we die today.

[animeniacss]

So Close Yet So Far - Mingyu x Reader - Chapter 19 - What Have I Done?

Synopsis: Your college friend, Kim Mingyu, has had a grip on your heart since the first day you met. Over the past few years, as you acquired more friendships and memories, those feelings only grew. However, recently, Mingyu has seemed a bit more distant, at least when it comes to any ideas of romance. It only gets worse when rumors fly that he's off to Japan to receive a marriage proposal! Unsure what to do, you wonder how you can keep Mingyu by your side without jeopardizing your friendship or your growing feelings. You never expected that waking up one drunken morning next to two hot angels would be your ticket into Mingyu's heart.

Genre: Romance, College!AU, Modern Fantasy, Comedy, Angsty

Length: approx. 6.8k words

Chapter 19 - What Have I Done?

Mina’s desperate attempt to say your name one more time fell on deaf ears, because you simply repeated your comment: “Don’t. Talk. To. Me.”

“Please, I just have to...”

         “What? What else do you need to take from me?!” You asked. “That’s it! We are done here! You wormed your way into our lives and took everything from us. What else do you want?!” You motioned to the two men on either side of you. “Them?!”

“Woah, wait.” Jeonghan said quickly under his breath.

“My friends?! My college degree?!””

         “No, please.” Mina gulped. 

         “No, you don’t get to say please to me for anything! I cannot believe I let myself get fooled by you! The minute you told me you came here to be Mingyu’s wife i should have know not to trust you! But I’m an idiot, I will admit. The really thought you and I could be friends. But I was wrong. So now you have everything you came here for and you still ask me for more!? Give me a break!” 

         “Hey…” Joshua gripped your shoulder. “Take it easy.” You sniffled, feeling all of the tears you were holding back in the hallway with Mingyu finally begin to spill. 

         “I’m sorry.”

         “No you’re not!” You snapped. By now, the entire room had gone silent, staring at you. Mr. Kim and Mr. Miyou were stunned to silence, watching in shock. “How can you possibly be sorry? I can’t accept your apology!”

         “You need to listen, I-.”

         “I’m done listening! Listening to you got me here in the first place!” You sniffled. “It’s okay if you never liked me, but you claim to love Mingyu and yet you make him suffer like this! I just can’t understand!” Mina finally fell silent, unable to stop you long enough to utter a full sentence. “And you invited me for what? To suffer? It’s cruel after all I did to befriend you and try to see you beyond our feelings. And yet despite all of this, for some reason, I came because I wanted to see if he was truly happy. I just want him to be happy.”

         Mina pursed her lips together. She heard her father approaching, along with hotel security. Joshua and Jeonghan immediately took your arms.

         “We got her.” Joshua said quickly.

         “No need to make a bigger scene.” Jeonghan added. You turned to Jeonghan, who motioned to the door. “Let’s go, okay?” You nodded, before your eyes finally fell to Mingyu, who was standing just behind Mina, his father standing at his side and keeping him from getting closer. You shook your head. 

“Don’t invite me to the wedding.” You said simply. Mingyu’s mouth immediately closed as he watched you walk out, Joshua and Jeonghan on either side of you. The hotel security followed behind, seemingly making sure the three of you actually did end up leaving. When the door closed behind him, Mingyu ran a hand through his hair.

     “Ohhhh God. I fucked up, I fucked up so hard.” He gasped to himself. All he could see was your teary eyes and red face, a sight he would never unsee for as long as he lived. 

              “Don’t let that girl get you down.” His father said, a supportive pat too his shoulder. “Seems she’s crazier than we thought.” Mingyu couldn’t look at his father as he walked away with Mina’s. It took a few seconds for the rest of the party to devolve into its previous chatter, the music slowly replaying upon his father’s request. He watched as Mina immediately turned on her heel, heading down to the other side. Her friends from home immediately got up from their spots and swarmed her, comforting her from that ‘scary encounter’. Mingyu turned to the rest of his friends, and his expression only got more pained when he saw their looks of disapproval. “What do I do?” he choked out. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” 

                “End your engagement.” Seungkwan said simply.

               “But.”

               “End the engagement.” Hoshi repeated.

               “My father will-.”

            “Don’t end it.” A voice behind them alerted all of their attention. Jihoon stood there, hands in his pockets.

            “Pardon?” Minnie asked.

          “Whos side are you on again?” Seungkwan asked. Mingyu watched Jihoon approach him, patting his arm since he couldn’t reach his shoulder. His lips tightened at the realization of the height difference, the one thing that could bring Mingyu any slight bit of amusement in this moment.

        “Don’t dig yourself into any holes. It’ll work out just fine. Just give it some more time. For now.” He pointed to Mingyu’s eyes, which Mingyu only realized now were red and wet with tears. “Keep that expression.”

        “What?” Mingyu tried to turn back to Jihoon for more information, but he too strolled out of the party room, the doors once again closing behind him. He sighed, chewing the inside of his cheek when he heard his name called one final time. He turned his head, seeing Mina reapproaching him. He gasped for a breath of air, shaking his hair.

      “Yes?” he asked. Mina rubbed her eyes, sniffling. Mingyu kept his hands at his sides, despite the natural instinct to offer her a tissue. “Are you alright?”

         “I am. I think I deserved some of that…” she said softly. After a second of scanning the area, her eyes finally landed on his, and widened when she saw how upset he was. “You’re crying?” she asked softly.

         “Can you blame me?” he asked, finally raising a finger to rub his eyes. 

         Mina sighed. “I want to go home.” she said. “I’m exhausted.” Mingyu turned to his friends, who simply turned back to the table, forcing themselves out of the conversation. He looked to the door you strolled out of a few minutes ago. Sighing, he nodded.

         “So do I.” he said softly. He knew, however, the car he was going to get into would not take him home, but to the buidling he shared with Mina. He felt as though he deserved it. 

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

Mina sat on the bed in her room. She could hear Mingyu getting ready for bed himself in the other room, as he always did. She sat for a minute, listening to distant rustlings down the hall before rising up and heading down there herself. The hallway felt longer than it usually did tonight. She walked towards the door, reaching out and knocking on it once. Twice. Three times. When there was still no answer, Mina called out. “Mingyu?”

     After an eternity of silence, the door propped open. Mingyu rested himself on the door frame, and Mina felt herself take a second to take all of him in. He was in a loose tee shirt and sweatpants, his hair still a bit damp after a shower. This would be the part of the fairytale where he would smile down at her with his infectious grin, pulling her close to him and whispering sweet nothings about how amazing the night was.

     But as Mina recalled earlier in the evening, this was no fairytale. Mingyu’s smile was long since erased from the pages of her mind, and no matter how hard she tried, only blurry memories came to her now. Mingyu crossed his arms, resting his side against the door frame. Instead, he greeted her with puffy cheeks, and bags of exhaustion under his eyes that weighed his entire face down. “Yes?” He finally asked.

   “Uh.” Mina was suddenly at a loss for words. All she could picture was Mingyu staring you down in the hotel hallway. His eyes prickling with tears as he tried everything he could think of in the moment to suppress them. She knew what she wanted to say to him, she had been practicing it for weeks specifically for tonight. Why don’t you join me? We are engaged, after all. The words seemed so easy to say, but why were they stuck in the back of her throat? She opened her mouth one more time, and saw Mingyu patiently waiting for her to speak. I can’t. She thought, already anticipating the answer she feared most. She shook her head. “Never mind.” She finally said. “I’m sorry. Goodnight.”

        Mingyu nodded as Mina made her way back to her room. She heard him close his door only after she closed her own. Resting against the back of the door, she felt her legs give out all of the energy she had been trying her best to maintain through the day. Her feet were still throbbing from her heels, unable to support her anymore as she sank to the floor. Pulling her legs to her chest, she buried her head in her knees.

         When Mingyu’s smile did form clearly in her mind, you were at his side. Fighting over photos during the fireworks, playing chicken in the ocean, nestled close during breakfast the last morning as he tried to steal some of your bacon. 

         It’s okay if you never liked me, but you claim to love Mingyu and yet you make him suffer like this! I just can’t understand!

It was a cruel irony, but it was one Mina felt she deserved after what she has done. The pain in your voice sat like a dagger in her chest, and she curled up into herself in hopes to push that feeling away. 

   “What have I done?” she muttered to herself. “I’ve ruined everything. I’ll never see him smile again…”

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

         Only son of Kim Law Firm celebrates new engagement – Christmas wedding in the works!

        You scoffed at the news title that was plastered on the front of the newspaper that morning and every morning since, tossing it into the garbage so you no longer had to look at the photos of the two together. It made you sick.

     It had been a month since the engagement party, and school already back into the swing for the new fall term. Mingyu had yet to show up on campus, and once again the rumors as to why began to spread. Only this time, they were backed up by evidence. Where they even rumors in that case?

     “I bet his new wife doesn’t want him on campus with some other girls…”

      “I thought the same thing! I wouldn’t let my husband anywhere near his first love. He’s probably taking all online classes.”

      “That’s so sad. He made my Korean law class just a bit more bearable, even if it was just the back of his head I saw…”

    “Why is this happening again?” you sighed, resting your head on the table of the library. You and your friends had agreed to meet up in the library that afternoon after the lunch rush came to an end. The rumors continued to follow you, latching onto you and sucking the life from your veins like vicious and toxic mosquitos on a hot summer day.

   “Don’t listen to them. They have no idea what they’re talking about.” Minnie assured, patting your shoulder.

  “Yeah.” Hoshi said. You finally lifted your head up when you heard footsteps approaching. Looking over, you saw Joshua and Jeonghan taking their seats beside you. They hadn’t mentioned Mingyu since you three left the engagement party, nor had they checked their symbols on your hands. You knew better than to ask, though each day you were itching to know even more. Maybe it was those pesky mosquitos leaving bites.

    “Please tell Jeonghan he’s in charge of dinner tonight.” Joshua said, his light-hearted comment causing you to look at him.

      “I cooked last night. You need to start pulling your weight.” Jeonghan sneered, poking Joshua’s head as he snickered in amusement.

       “I did breakfast.” He reminded. You rolled your eyes, closing your textbook. The duo was still playfully bickering until you quickly motioned your book in their direction. They flinched a bit, eyes wide as you simply set the book down and reopened to your page. “Hey!” He pouted. 

      “I’m not in the mood. You both want to keep staying at my house, you figure out the cooking.” You could practically hear the duo whine, and it only made you smirk as you flipped through the pages. 

    “You’re not a very nice tenant.” Joshua teased, but immediately looked away when you shot daggers in his direction.

Despite what had happened, and the duos hesitance to talk about it, you three had found a pretty comfortable routine in your apartment. One cooks breakfast, the other cooks dinner, and you always have a delicious meal waiting for you after a long day. At first the duo did it to help you as you got over your emotions. However, it remained this way even a month later. None of you complained. Well, until now. “I think we should get something to eat tonight, anyway.” You said. 

      Hoshi gasped, leaning forward. “Dinner party at your house?” he asked.

    “What?” Despite the shock of the question, a grin formed on your face.

  Minnie’s eyes widened. “I’ll bring the drinks.” Minnie cheered.

  “I’ll grab snacks.” Seungkwan said, and Hoshi agreed to help.

  “ Chicken .” Joshua and Jeonghan beamed. You laughed a bit.

        “Uh, okay then. We can study, then.” Closing your textbook seemed to seal the deal. The idea of having plans tonight made you feel pretty good for the night ahead. You scanned the table as everyone seemed to chat with one another about the night ahead, seemingly more excited the more options were thrown onto the table. However, for some reason, you pictured the night ahead, a thought creeped into your head. One thought that you assumed had long since abandoned you. 

              I wonder what Mingyu’s doing tonight….

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

       “We’ll be right back!” Joshua called, both him and Jeonghan already out the door. You waved them off, taking the time alone to set up some snacks for your friends when they arrived. The group chat was buzzing with everyone sending texts about their arrival. Hoshi kept spamming the chat with photos, and you smiled at each one came into view.

          Prawn-flavored chips.

          Ice cream.

         Seungkwan’s face.

         A blurry picture of Seungkwan’s face.

         Hoshi giving a piece sign.

           Jihoonie would totally love that last one. You snorted at Minnie’s text as it flashed onto the chat. Both Hoshi and Jihoon frantically began telling her through text that she needed to mind her business, and it only made you laugh harder. As you finished setting up the last of the snacks in bowls, you sat on the couch. Immediately after sitting, your eyes came face to face with the dust-collecting snowglobe on your book shelf. You exhaled. “I’ve been meaning to put those away.” you mumbled to yourself in hopes it would finally give you the motivation to do so. It didn’t. Instead, you were brought back to when Mingyu first gave that to you. 

         “Wow, how cute!” Mingyu smiled as you took it into your hands, examining it. “Is this the Statue of Liberty inside?”

         “Yeah.” he said happily. “It’s much bigger up close.” You laughed a bit, shaking the globe and watching as the fake snow danced around it. “I hope you like it.”

         “I love it!” You gasped. “I feel like I’m really there just by looking.” Mingyu smiled a bit as you shook it once again, continuing to circulate the little snow particles inside. “It’s so cute…” you breathed again in excitement. 

         “Yeah…” Mingyu breathed, looking at your expression brighten the more you shook the globe. He coughed into his hand. “Hey, uhm…I wanted to tell you something.” He said. Your eyes shot up to him, sparkling in excitement as you waited to hear what else he had to say. “Ah.” Mingyu laughed nervously to himself. “I-.”

         “Hm?” You cocked an eyebrow. 

         “...Want to see pictures of Time Square? It’s huge.” When he held up his phone, you gasped, nodding in excitement. Mingyu scooted closer to you, holding out his phone as he began scrolling through the pictures.

         A small smile formed on your lips as you remembered the excitement you had as he showed you pictures of New York, telling you stories of him time seeing all of the major buildings in the area. It was fascinating. “He must have wanted to tell me how he felt then, too…” you mumbled to yourself, chuckling a bit at the realization that was just a little bit to late. Eyes fell to the windchime above your balcony entrance, and the same thing: Mingyu gave it to you, tried to confess, yet got cold feet and simply told you about his trip. Again, the smile forming on your face was widening, and you chuckled.

         “...I really need to take this stuff down.” you said again, biting your lip. Before you could do last minute spring cleaning, you heard a knock at the door. Thinking it was Minnie or Seungkwan, you hopped up. “Coming!” you called. You picked up your phone, taking a minute to scan through the constant flow of messages to see if one of them said they had already arrived. None did. “Huh.” You pursed your lips, heading to the door anyway. Another knock, and you picked up the pace. “Sorry. Coming!” you called once again.

           Reaching forward, your hand gripped the doorknob, turning it and pulling the door towards you. As it swung open, you looked ahead to see a familiar head of long, black hair. A familiar porcelain face and a familiar set of moles decorating that face. Déjà vu raced through your brain, a marathon being ran in a matter of seconds. “Mina?” you finally managed to gasp out.

       “Hey.” She smiled softly. “Bad time?”

You stared at Mina in awe for a few seconds. “What…” you felt your breath catch in your throat. “What are you doing here?” You asked. Mina seemed to think of her answer for a second.

        “I wanted to talk to you.” She finally chose to say. “Is this a bad time?”

        “Uh, yeah.” You said. “My friends are coming over and-.”

        “I’ll be quick. I’m sorry. I know I always drop by at the worst time and leave a mess behind.” You felt the sadness in her voice as she said that despite her forcing out a laugh. That only made it more obvious. “Please.” She said.

        “…Okay.” You finally said, motioning her inside. Mina nodded, taking her shoes off before padding into the apartment. You motioned her to the couch, where she sat herself down. “Do you want something to drink?”

        “Oh, no. It’s okay.” She said. You watched as she looked around from her spot on the couch. Her eyes fell on every Knick-knack and souvenir she could find. “I think this is the first time I’ve actually been in your apartment for as long as I’ve known you.”

        “Yeah…” you sat down on the chair, looking at her. “Now, what did you want to talk about?” Mina seemed shocked when you didn’t continue to entertain her with some small talk, but it made her smile.

        “Right. I didn’t expect to come in and be treated like a friend after everything.” You watched Mina open up her purse, pulling out a small white envelope and handing it to you. She saw you hesitate, but it only made her push it closer. “It’s not what you think.” She finally said. You took the envelope into your hands, pressing the paper just a bit to see if it would provide a clue as to its contents. “Promise you won’t open it right now.” She said.

        “Why?” you asked.

        “Just my request...” She said simply. You arched an eyebrow.

        “Well, when will I be able to?” you asked. Mina laughed a bit.

        “When I leave, if you want.” You scoffed a bit at the vagueness of the response, setting the envelope in your lap. You looked up at Mina again, wondering if that was the end of the conversation. You could hear your phone buzzing on the table. It was only a matter of time before your friends arrived, and you were hoping Mina would be long gone before then. “I want to say one more thing before I go.”

        “Okay.” You said simply.

        “I’m sorry. Truly.” You had to suppress a laugh, looking away for a minute to collect yourself. “I’m serious. I’m sorry.”

        “You had to come all the way here for that? It could have been a text. You said that when this whole thing started. You said it at the party. Yet, you don’t seem that sorry considering you’ve continued forcing Mingyu to live a lie.” Mina nodded.

        “I know.” She said. “I’ve tried making the best of our situation. I thought once Mingyu started classes again, and interning with his father at the firm, he would start to feel better about the entire thing. I thought it would take his mind off of…” when she trailed off, you had to chew your bottom lip. Mina sighed before continuing. “But it didn’t work. It only made things worse. I’ve spent this entire two months trying to make everything feel as normal as possible. At every corner, I’ve failed.” She sighed. “But I think I’ve failed from the very beginning. I joined the game midway through and thought I could win. I told myself I wouldn’t cheat, but I snuck myself to the finish line at the very end. And now I feel dirty.”

        “You should.” You covered your mouth when those words escaped your lips. Mina looked shocked only for a second, eyes darting up at you. “That wasn’t-.”

        “No.” she said quickly. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be proud of how I acted. I told myself I would win Mingyu’s heart fairly. I didn’t want him to be with me for selfish reasons. But when I saw you and him so happy in Jeju, watching him put all of his efforts into you, and knowing that I foolishly chose to help you win, jealousy hit me out of nowhere. I acted brashly and I’m sorry.”

        “…It’s nice to know that you’re just as ashamed of your actions as the rest of us were.” You said. “I really thought we were going to be good friends like you promised.”

        “I know. I burned that bridge on my own. I’m sorry.”

        “But there’s nothing apologizing will do now.” You said. “You did what you did and now you’ve won. Mingyu is yours. He’s chosen you.” Mina chuckled a bit to herself, the comment seeming to hurt her more than you would think. “...Am I wrong?” you asked curiously. 

Mina glanced at you. “I…I can’t say.” Mina said simply. “I can only say that my methods weren’t…what I wanted them to be.” 

        A snort. “If he thinks any of that was true after everything we’ve been through, then he might not have really loved me at all.”

        Mina smiled. “You’re all he talks about.” She said. “Even now. Every story I manage to get out of him, or hear him talk about to someone else, is a story that has some connection to you.” Hearing that made you finally go quiet. “I’d be jealous if it wasn’t the only time he smiled recently.”

        You leaned back in your seat, finding the right words before you allowed yourself to speak. Was she trying to make amends? Or was she trying to gloat? You felt a weird tingle of guilt course through your veins. “Mina.” You finally said, and she looked over. “I need you to promise me something if you intend to see this marriage through to the end.” Mina watched you get up, walking over to the little snow globe collecting dust on your bookshelf, picking it up and brushing it with your hands. “Promise you’ll be good to him. He’s a good man who doesn’t want people to get hurt. He only gets mad when it’s for those same people that he really cares about.” Mina watched as you passed her the little snow globe. “As you know, he always buys gifts. After a while, when time passed and wounds heal, he’ll probably start buying you gifts. You should act surprised every time, it makes him happy.”

        Mina brushed her fingers along the globe as well, a few extra dust particles fluttering down onto the floor as she did so. “You did something selfish but I don’t think you’re inherently bad. He’ll come around one day.”

        Mina didn’t believe those words you said for a second, but you didn’t think you believed them either. You just wanted to end the conversation before the lingering feelings began creeping up on you once again. Feelings you long since tried to forget. Déjà vu was a vicious beast, it seemed. Mina finally rose from her spot on the couch, handing you back the snow globe. She watched how delicately you took it into your hands again, smiling down at it briefly before setting it away once more. “I should get going. I’ve held you up long enough. Thank you for talking to me.”

        “Sure.” You said softly, walking Mina to the door. You opened it once more, watching as she walked out. She turned to you once more.

        “Bye.” She said. You only waved, nodding your head as Mina finally made her way to the elevator. You only watched her depart for a second, before closing the door. Silence reentered the apartment, only the sound of your feet padding against the floor as you picked up the white envelope. You shook your head, opening the side table drawer and sticking it beside the TV remote, slamming it closed. “Yeah, right.” You muttered to yourself. When you felt your eyes begin to water, you walked back over to the snow globe, holding it in your hands. You shook it a few quick times, watching as the snowflakes fluttered around the plastic Statue of Liberty. The memory again flooded your mind and you smiled to yourself. 

         A loud bang from behind you startled you, your hands jolting up in shock. A scream of shock erupted from your lips and you watched as the snowglobe fell to the floor, the glass shattering around your feet. 

         “Hey! We are here!” Hoshi called, foot extended outward. He and Jihoon’s hands were filled with bags of snacks, hence his extended foot to open the unlocked door. The duo walked in just as you knelt to the floor. “Hm? Sorry, did I scare you?” Hoshi laughed sheepishly. You did not respond however, your hands frantically picking up the Statue of Liberty. In your rescue attempt, your finger nicked one of the glass shard, and you cursed under your breath. 

         Jihoon set his bags on the table, walking around the couch to you. “Hey. Are you - oh.” He watched as you looked up, smiling a bit.

         “Heh. Sorry.” you said, feeling your eyes water. “You guys scared me.” Jihoon and Hoshi shared an expression, one of pity you couldn’t see behind your watery eyes. However, you did see Hoshi come to you side, resting his head on your shoulder and rubbing your arm as Jihoon knelt down and began picking up all of the glass shards. 

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

        “Try it.”

        “No, Jihoon.” Jeonghan said for what felt like the billionth time. He motioned a can to Joshua.

        “Jisoo-Hyung?”               

        Joshua cocked an eyebrow as he looked down at the fallen angel before him. He was holding a beer out in their direction. Jihoon’s smile only got wider as he motioned it closer.

        “Absolutely not.” Jihoon scoffed, leaning back in his seat as he cracked the beer open himself. He pouted a bit, putting the drink to his lips and taking a sip.

        “I’m going to need eternal drinking buddies! Come on. It’s not that bad.”

        “No.” The duo said again. When Jihoon tried to encourage them again, they both responded by sticking pizza into their mouths to avoid the conversation. It made you laugh a bit.

        “You have plenty of drinking buddies right here.” You said, patting Hoshi on the shoulder. He set his beer down, already red in the face as he looked up at you. “Right, Hoshi?”

        “Aaah, yeah.” He smiled, completely unaware of what you were even talking about. Jihoon immediately leaned forward, handing him a water. “Aaaah, for me? Awwwww, Wooziiiiiii.” He giggled, and Jihoon couldn’t hold back his amused smirk.

        “Take it, dummy.” He said. It took a second, but Hoshi popped open the bottle and took a long sip, which you saw finally relaxed Jihoon. The night had been pretty eventual so far, the group eating and drinking the night away as they chatted about anything and everything. Studying, the reason for the late-night visit in the first place, was put on the back burner for loud laughter and snacking. It was much better this way. The current event was watching a very drunk Hoshi and an almost as drunk Seungkwan encourage the entire group to play a game of ‘Hongsam’.

        “Not when you’re that drunk.” Minnie said, grinning behind the head of her bottle. Hoshi shot up.             

        “Yes Hongsam.” He sang, wiggling his hips.

        “Everybody Hongsam.” Seungkwan stood up and did the same thing, hoping it would encourage the group to join in. However, when he noticed he was the only one doing it, he blinked. “Hey now….” And the room erupted into laughter.

        “Absolutely not.” You said behind laughter, sipping your beer.

        “It kind of looks like fun.” Joshua said.

        “Then you play.” You grinned. Joshua smiled at you as you took another sip, letting out a deep sigh. “Man, it’s hot in here. I’m going to get some fresh air.”

        The idea of you leaving the area perked Joshua’s ears to that instead, forgetting the game even existed. “I’ll come too.” Joshua said quickly, following you out the door. Jeonghan’s eyes, which were amused watching the drunk duo goof off, shot to Joshua as he watched his friend follow behind you, opening the door to the balcony and allowing you to step out first. He didn’t even look back, instead just closing the door behind the both of you.

“It’s about time.” Minnie said, making Jeonghan look over.

“What?”

“With Mingyu out of the picture, I was waiting for the moment Joshua would finally grow a pair and confess. Seungkwan owes me ten dollars!”

“I do not! I do not bet with the likes of you.” Jeonghan bit his lip as the room continued to fill with playful banter, his eyes locked on the balcony. He could only see the both of you a bit, the curtain blocking most of his view. Jihoon noticed the angel’s sudden change in demeanor.

        “You sure you don’t want that drink?” he asked only more time, but only got an annoyed glance in response. “Okay…”

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

        “I thought you were going to play Hongsam.” You said, looking to Joshua as he joined you outside. He rested his elbows against the balcony.

        “I’m not going to be the only one entertaining those two.” He joked, and you had to laugh a bit. You looked down at the world below from your balcony, before taking another swig of your drink. “Besides, it’s nicer out here.” Joshua glanced to your hand which Hoshi and Jihoon had bandaged after your cut. “Are you okay?”

“Hm?” you looked down at your bandage, a bit of dried blood poking through. “Oh, yeah.” You assured. Maybe it was the drinks, but guilt began bubbling deep into your chest as you spoke up once more. “Joshua. I’m sorry I messed everything up.”  

        “What?” Joshua looked over at you.

        “I couldn’t get you guys back into heaven. Now, you’re both stuck here until I get with Mingyu. That’ll never happen now.” You let out a dry laugh, and Joshua frowned.

        “We’re the ones that knew the risk from the beginning. Don’t blame yourself. We could have done more, too.” He sighed. “I could have.” 

        “But still-.”

        “I said don’t blame yourself. Jeonghan wouldn’t want you to, either.”

        “Okay.” You sighed, defeated. Joshua watched as you finished your beer, setting it down on the floor of the balcony. Your elbows loosened, allowing your hands to dangle a bit over the balcony, eyes staring straight ahead. “Are you guys going to live here forever?”

        “Do you want us to?” he grinned a bit when he heard you laugh.

        “It definitely is less lonely with you two here. But we’ll have to actually invest in nicer beds and maybe more space.” Joshua was now that one to laugh. “Let’s go house hunting.”

        “That means we’ll need jobs.” Joshua sighed. “I never thought an angel like me would be sending out job applications on earth.” You smiled as Joshua playfully dropped his head loose on his neck. “Oh, how the mighty fall.”

        “For someone who calls Jeonghan dramatic, you’re really dramatic.” Both of you shared a laugh in the cool night air. Joshua glanced over at you one more time. He bit his lip for a second, before finding himself unable to hold back as he asked you a very important question.

        “Can I hold your hand?” Confused and stunned expressions led him to clarify. “I want to see my symbol…”

        “Oh.” You laughed nervously, turning to him. Joshua watched you extend your hand to him, which he gently took into his own. He stared at it for a minute, as if he was thinking. It made you smile. “Did you forget how to do it?” you asked playfully.

        “Heh. No.” He assured. His thumb rubbed over the back of your hand for a second, before he finally closed his eyes. He felt what little angel power he had in his body to summon the contract seal. Is it even there? He thought to himself. If it’s not, there is absolutely no going back. One of his eyes popped open, studying your expression. You were looking back out at the skyline as you waited. The moonlight sparkled along your features, your eyes dancing along to the stars in the sky, studying each one. He felt himself grip your hand a bit tighter when you smiled, seemingly catching a constellation in your sights. I won’t be able to go back. If it’s not there, if it’s red, I’ll use this as a chance to tell her-.

        “Uh…Joshua…” the nervousness in your voice made Joshua’s eyes pop open, his cheeks flushed as he tried to pull himself from his thoughts. So much for his chance, he was to flustered now. He followed your gaze, your wide and curious eyes now staring directly at your hand. His eyes followed, and immediately, he saw the little check floating above your hand. “It’s….”

        “It’s white.” He breathed out, a mix of relief and shock. Immediately, the both of you looked up at each other, eyes wide. Joshua gripped your hand, looking down at it once again. “It’s white! It’s white again!”

        “What does that mean?!” You shouted.

        Both of you went silent, turning back to the living room. Joshua wasted no time fling the balcony door open, the loud thud of the large door crashing against its hold startling the entire crew.

        “JEONGHAN!” You both shouted, making him immediately hop out of his seat.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶So Close Yet So Far🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

        “I’m home.” The sound of the sink running in the kitchen signals for Mina to make her way down the hall. She heads that way after taking her shoes off. When she pokes her head in, Mingyu only looks in her direction. “Hey.” She smiled sweetly.

        “Hey.” He points to the fridge. “I saved some of my lunch, if you’re hungry.”

        “Ah.” Mina smiled a bit. “Thank you. That’s thoughtful.” Mingyu nodded, turning back to the sink to finish with some of the dishes he had started with. Mina rested against the door frame, watching his back silently. “Mingyu.” She said, but he only hummed. “Remember when we went to the cherry blossom festival in the spring?”

        Mingyu nodded his head, not once looking up from the bowl he was scrubbing. “With my friends? Yes.” He said. Mina nodded.

        “Would you want to go again next spring?” Mingyu shrugged at the question.

        “Maybe.” He said. Mina nodded. Mingyu then stopped the dishes, finally looking back in her direction. She instinctively stood up straight. “Oh.” He motioned to the kitchen table in the corner by their bay window. “I took the liberty of skimming through some of these when I got the mail. I was curious.” He picked one up, flipping through it casually before turning the page in her direction. Her eyes followed his finger as he tapped on a set of beautiful Christmas flowers. “These are nice.”

        Mina felt her heart speed up, eyes sparkling. He’ll come around. “You think so?!” She asked. Mingyu nodded, and Mina looked at the burgundy red flowers nestled in beautiful green leaves. The wintery background of the picture only enhanced the Christmassy vibes of the flowers. Mingyu turned the page back to him, smiling a bit to himself as he nodded.

        “I’ve really fallen in love with this color in the past year…” he said. Mina’s smile dropped as Mingyu set the magazine down on the table, making his way back over to the counters. Mina watched him grab a sponge and start to wipe some of the counters down. She looked over at the flowers once more, trying to recall where she had seen that color before. The more she thought about it, the more images flashed into her brain.

        “She does look so pretty in that dress.” Mina whispered to herself.

        “What?” Mingyu looked over, eyebrows furrowed together as he tried to figure out what she was whispering about. He saw Mina closed the magazine and set it back down, an obvious look of discomfort on her face. “Hm? Are you okay?” Mina walked over to Mingyu without an answer, taking his hands tightly. He dropped the sponge that was in his hands, glancing down at it for a second. “Hey.”

        “Let’s go on a trip.” She said quickly. Mingyu arched an eyebrow, but Mina was already dragging Mingyu out the door, slipping on the fastest pair of shoes they could as they made their way to his car in the garage.

        The drive was quiet, but not in a way Mingyu had found himself used to in the past. Mina looked out the window the entire trip, hands in her lap as she gripped her pocket book. Mingyu sighed, running a hand through his hair as he turned the next corner. 

         “She really did think she was talking to you.” Mina said, the sudden sound of her voice causing Mingyu to look over at her. She turned to him. “At the beach house.”

         “Ah….” he nodded. Mina sighed.

         “I was right on the balcony. I saw it all. Jeonghan came to get her, and she said goodbye to Mingyu.” Mingyu gripped the wheel.

         “Why are you telling me now?” he asked curiously.

         “I thought you should know.” she said simply. “I know it really hurt you, and her. Not only that, but it hurt Joshua. He didn’t do anything wrong. I was jealous.” Mingyu nodded his head.

         “Thank you.” he said. Mina smiled a bit, looking down at her pocketbook. She admired the cherry blossom keychain that jingled with every bump Mingyu hit on the drive, and she took it gently into her hands. 

        “How cute! Thank you Mingyu!”

        “I figured you’d like it since you seemed to enjoy the festival.”

        “I didn’t buy you a gift.”

        “Don’t worry. It’s from friend to friend. Thank you for being so cool with everything at breakfast.”

        “No problem…”

        “I’m hoping next year I’ll be able to take my friend to the festival. We can go together. She’s been telling me how badly she’d love to see them in person.”

        As Mingyu pulled up in the driveway of his father’s home, Mina was relieved to see her father’s car also there. Mingyu slowed the car in the driveway, and when it came to a stop, Mina was already out of the car. He watched her speed walk up the driveway, bag gripped tightly in her hands. Mingyu slipped out of the car as well, beeping it to ensure it was locked before following after her. “Mina!” He called, but there was no answer.

        Mina walked past every single worker in the house as they greeted her, Mingyu quickly following behind and saying his own greeting to them followed by a frantic slew of ‘sorry’. “Mina.” He called again. “What are you doing?” He was horribly confused to what had her locked and loaded right as they pulled into the driveway. However, when he saw Mina turn down a very familiar corridor with a very familiar set of doors at the end of the hall, Mingyu felt dread in his stomach. “Mina.” He called again, but it was too late.

        Mina swung the doors of the office open, alerting both her father and his own. Mingyu hurried behind her, finally alerting her attention to him for a second. “What are you doing?” he asked. She only offered him a smile, before turning to her and Mingyu’s fathers.

        “What’s the problem, honey?” her father asked, standing up from his spot.

        “Father.” She took a deep breath. “I’d like to end my engagement.”

Return to Kpop Masterlist Return 97/98/99 Line Masterlist

Next / Previous

[isoldmysoultojonahclemence]

JONAH’S EVER AFTER ON IKEREV TW

I CAN’T I--

HIS RELEASE CAMPAIGN CAME OUT YESTERDAY BUT I ONLY SAW IT A FEW MINUTES AGO BC I WAS ON VACATION I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED THIS WHAT KIND OF JONAH STAN AM I

THIS MEANS THAT JONAH’S ROUTE CAMPAIGN WILL BEGIN SOMEWHERE AROUND LATE OCTOBER OR EARLY NOVEMBER IN THE ENGLISH VERSION SO MARK YOUR CALENDARS

I’m putting the rest of this under a cut for length bc I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY

[Translation:

“On the 1 in a hundred million chance that I cannot marry you into the Clemence family, then I’m prepared to abandon my family.”

Whether it’s to build a family together, or to receive happiness together. For the one you love, the path you should take to the future is...

“You’re really too much. Don’t say something like...I’m sorry.”

The eyes that are brighter than the fireworks in the sky overflow with tears, and turn into strength to overcome the mirror blocking our path.

“When it’s only the two of us, I’m just Jonah...and I want to spoil you as much as I like.”]

ASDFKJWEIH;KAFJJE;LSAKFSD

I CAN ALREADY SENSE THE ABSOLUTE ANGST IN THIS ROUTE

IN HIS ORIGINAL ROUTE HE HAS TO ABANDON THE RED ARMY AND NOW IN HIS EVER AFTER HE HAS TO ABANDON HIS FAMILY TOO????? ESPECIALLY AS WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THE CRIMSON LINEAGE MEANS TO HIM??????????????????

And something I also really like is how the themes from the original route extends into his sequel, like the parts about “never apologizing” and “I can only be myself when I’m with you.” It just makes it feel more like a sequel and adds a better sense of completion uwu

ALSO JONAH’S TEARS ARE GOING TO DESTROY ME Y’ALL WILL SEE ME SOBBING ON TUMBLR WHEN I GET TO THAT PART

.

Here’s the mini talk list:

Luka + Sirius: please tell me about your families!

This one is already out, so here’s the screenshots!

[Translation:

Sirius: My home is always full of flowers, it’s a place that makes your mood lift.

Luka: Yeah...as opposed to Sirius’s family, mine was very quiet.

Luka: Even though it had always been pretty quiet...but ever since “that person” left home, it became even quieter.

Luka: Maybe it was because my family weren’t interested in me, so that’s why it feels so quiet.

Sirius: Haven’t you ever had experiences of playing noisily with Jonah in your home before?

Luka: No. We’re different from Sirius’s family...but there was only one time.

Luka: When I was young, that person had brought me out secretly before.

Luka: The both of us ran around and played in the secret courtyard that person found...

Luka: Until the skies grew dark.

Sirius: ...Is that so. Where is that courtyard full of memories? Is it close to your home?

Luka: I don’t know, I can’t remember...but, it doesn’t matter if I can’t remember it.

Luka: Now I think...it’s alright if that courtyard only exists in my memory.]

*deep breath*

ALKL;KCVKNCKDSA;KWOIWQOIK;FDMX;LZDS;ALKSJFA;LKJ

AKD;XJCEWQ8RJEIU;ANFVDFJSVVF’WDOIJ

;NWEFFKKGDMZXCKCERTIIUIBRI;JDSFJSMF;JLAEKF;LEQKJBNCM

FIRST OF ALL

A SECRET COURYARD???????? THAT JONAH FOUND?????????????? AND BROUGHT LUKA THERE TO PLAY???????????????????????? BUT ONLY ONCE???????????????????????????????????

I wonder how he managed to find it? But also it was to be expected that he would bring Luka bc he always wants to share what he loves with Luka (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

Also just imagine the little Clemence bros running around and playing (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡ ♡ ♡

But like...

OH MY GOD LUKA WHAT HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

It’s so sadddddddd to think that the Clemence house got even quieter when Jonah left. Also I can’t figure out if Jonah “leaving” means that he left to go to boarding school or if he left to join the Red Army, but that was probably when Luka started to hate Jonah for abandoning him. I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up in such a quiet and cold place and to have it grow even quieter and colder when the one person you thought cared about you left because now he has other things that are more important than you (/□＼*)・゜

Edgar + Kyle: can love between people of different social statuses exist?

The rest of these aren’t released at the moment I wrote this, so I’m mainly just going to be addressing my predictions!

So it’s clear that Jonah and MC are considered to be from different social ranks, even though MC is “Alice the Second” and has the power to nullify magic. She’s probably considered as a “commoner” in the Red Territory, so I can see why it would be difficult for Jonah and MC to get married.

And you know what else this reminds me of??? If we look at Seth’s route, we finally find out that the whole reason Cradle got divided into two was because a Red noble fell in love with a girl from a different social rank. And that romance tore a country apart, so.

Dean + Dalim: about family

Aight here we go. Are Dean and Dalim really family??? Do we finally get to find out??? Or at least get some sort of clue??? Bc I’m torn between the theory that they’re twins with amnesia or if Dean was some sort of clone created by the Magic Tower when they experimented on Dalim. And I have no idea when their routes are gonna be released, so I really hope we get more hints throughout each Ever After route.

Lancelot: Jonah’s tears

THIS IS THE SECOND MINI TALK THAT WILL DESTROY ME AFTER THE LUKA + SIRIUS ONE.

Also this is a reminder that Lancelot was probably the only one who has seen Jonah at his weakest before MC came along. It’s probably to be expected, since they’ve known each other for literally more than half their lives and also since Lancelot saved Jonah.

And technically Luka has known Jonah for the longest time, but I doubt that Jonah will ever show weakness in front of Luka because he considers himself as Luka’s protector, but it’s different in front of Lance. I feel like he can show his weaker side to Lance, and it just emphasizes how deep the relationship between them is.

SO GET READY FOR THE JONALOT FEELS WHEN THIS ONE COMES OUT.

Jonah: what is your ideal proposal?

OK I feel like this one is either gonna be super romantic or super cheesy. Or both, considering the type of person that Jonah is. But I’m gonna love it no matter what bc 1) Jonah can make even the most embarrassing situations funny and touching and 2) I’m too weak for my mille-feuille boi.

.

The screenshots for the “Peek at Romance” thing is here:

[Translation:

My dear Queen of Hearts, Jonah Clemence.

Jonah: In that party, every heir of the Clemence family will...

Jonah: Publicly introduce his fiancee, receive the acknowledgment and blessing of the whole clan, and finally step into the halls of marriage.

“What is a happy ending?”

--It’s when, the person who cannot be replaced becomes family.

Luka: Even though my brother is troublesome, and sometimes overly enthusiastic, but from now on please take care of him.

--It’s when, you become allies with the person you met.

Levie: Who hurt MC!? I’ll destroy that guy...!

Jonah: Calm down, Levie Castell. See who’s your true enemy clearly!

When he couldn’t provide an answer, it made tears overflow from his eyes.

And--while looking for an answer, it’s also possible to lose something.

Dalim: Thanks. Goodbye, princess.

Dean: I couldn’t ask any of the things I’ve been wondering before he ran...

But even so, we will still advance forward bravely.

This is all to receive the answer--to have a happy ending.

Jonah: From now on, everyone will see you as...

Jonah: The Queen of Heart’s...and also the head of the Clemence family’s wife.

Jonah: But, when there’s no one else, and when it’s just us two.

Jonah: We’ll become Jonah and MC again, and we can love each other as much as we like.

Jonah: I love you, MC.

No matter what happens, he, who is the most beautiful and pure in the world...

Will only accept a future that is even better than a happy ending...!]

I just...literally cannot express my love for this summary.

First of all I’m just gonna talk about the tone. Right off the bat MC calls him “my dear Queen” and it was just. So. CUUUUUUUUUUTE.

Also, the question and theme of “a happy ending” is brought up, and the rest of the sneak peek answers that question (it’s when the people you love become your family and the people you meet becomes your allies), but also explores how they could find those answers (Jonah crying when he couldn’t find an answer and advancing forward bravely because they just want their happy ending). And finally we finish it off with a super Jonah-like statement, announcing that he’ll accept no less than the most perfect ending of them all!

Moving on to the information revealed...it’s pretty cool how there’s a special party for the next head of the Clemence family when they’re ready to announce their marriage and gain approval. Also, it’s kinda wild to think that Jonah will eventually become a head of the family just like his father and his grandfather before that.

AND THE PART WITH LUKA AND LEVIE ARE LITERALLY SO ADORABLE. LIKE, LUKA INSULTING JONAH BUT ALSO LEAVING HIM TO MC AND LEVIE DEFENDING MC FROM PPL WHO WOULD HARM HER IS 10/10 PERFECT

Also it seems that Dean and Dalim’s backstories might be explored more but won’t be resolved just yet. I guess we really do have to wait until their routes get released to find out.

In short, this was an amazing summary of the route. WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH UNTIL I CAN FINALLY READ THE WHOLE THING???????????????????????????

.

Also FYI, this is all completely new to me. For the other characters’ sequels, I played it through on Ikerev JP bc I can’t wait until the releases in the TW and English version that’s like, a year later. But I didn’t read Jonah’s sequel bc my Japanese isn’t super good and I wanted to read my man’s story in a language that I can completely understand so I literally have no idea of what to expect apart from what I found out in the campaign release :3

Also also I’m probably gonna be posting for every part in the story I’m going through BC I JUST LOVE JONAH THAT MUCH. I guess it would make up for my inactivity this month ^^;

[damselofblueroses]

The Children of Paradise

Summary: Set three years after the Rumbling, a young captain of Paradise Island, Anna Doukaina suddenly learned that her husband alive during the Paradisian Revolution.

Chapter Summary: After one month that Anna spent in the Doukaina's (Levi's Tea Shop) she was more than ready to explode. One day she decided to visit the Library and she had to face a couple of realities which she had no idea. This chapter contains a temporary health issue, if you can be negatively triggered by fainting, becoming numb or the loss of conscious please do not continue :)

Warnings: MANGA SPOILERS AND ESPECIALLY CHAPTER 139, Descriptions of Depression and Grief, Mentions of Death, Emotional Hurt. Progress of the fiction contains nsfw / Smut, minors please do not.

Note: The idea of Paradisian Revolution and the transformation of Historia Reiss are the offspring of my imagination, I would like to think about how would Levi’s aftermath of the Rumbling be in my head after I read chapter 139 :)

Word Count: 6.5k

Chapter Two: the Ouroboros

“Mrs. Ackerman?” I heard the voice of little kid, Sofia and turned to the source of voice. She was jumping to me by holding a bunch of daisies and dandelions. “Paul told me to give you these flowers.”

I kneeled down to blond girl who was always so lovely, her brown eyes were shining, and her checks were flushing with pink. I patted her head then gave her a piece of chocolate.

“Thank you very much, Sofia. When you and Paul visit me again?”

“We will come in the afternoon, Mrs. Ackerman.” she danced around me. “Gabi and Falco said that they will take us from school today and we can assist them in order to run the café.”

“You are a good girl, you know that.” I smiled. She could be my child. “But do you remember what I asked? Do not call me Mrs. Ackerman, I prefer to be called as Anna but if you want to call me with a surname, call me as Doukaina.”

“I cannot do that!” her eyes instantly became wider, stopped leaping around me like a cannibal. “We are told that we always have to call you by Mr. Ackerman’s name.”

“Who told you this?” I could feel my hands automatically turned into fists.

“Mr. Ackerman.” she was too naïve. “He is very serious, and also Paul strongly advises me to not cause Mr. Ackerman’s anger.”

“Yeah.” I murmured to little girl. “He is a short-tempered man. Anyway, Sofia, call me Anna whenever you will feel more relaxed, okey?”

Her face was telling me that she never would dare to go against Mr. Ackerman’s orders, but I did not say anything on the issue. Instead, I talked with her nonchalantly, made her more excited for the afternoon we were going to share then accompanied her till her house where was two apartments away from Doukaina’s.

Yes.

That bastard dared to name his fucking café after my name.

After leaving Sofia to her house, I came back to the café and tethering my teeth to the name. I was storming to the upstairs.

In the last one month, which I spent by refusing to talk with that motherfucker instead of expressing my thoughts on divorce and grunting a lot, I had a first-handed report on how much that bastard continued on his life without me.

I was in everywhere and nowhere.

The café had been under the Rules of Doukaina that Onyankopon had a civilized conversation with me after that bastard literally seized me in his home. He explained the rules while he was hoping that it would be a catalyser for me to calm down, nope, but I just listened to him without showing an expression. Basically, the rules included what I would like or not, and Captain Ackerman decided to run his own business by accepting my tastes as the standards.

His strategy works very well, Onyankopon shamelessly says.

What the heck I was, his strategy? His experimental rat?

I was fuming after that conversation, but I could manage to hold my anger and pain inside of me. Instead, I remained silent, ignored him when he came back to home, I refused to have dinner with him, I rejected every kind of proposes from him.

After Onyankopon, Gabi and Falco came to me.

Their visits were always hard because of two reasons.

Falco was a sweetheart; I could not refuse his kindness and Gabi had no idea on giving up even if when the occasion called for it. And trust me, my mental and emotional situations definitely called for silence, but Gabi did not get any signals. She told me a lot of stories on a vast range, starting from how horrible Mr. Ackerman was to how much he had been getting through.

Their visits always rip a brick off my invisible wall against him.

When I stayed by myself, and I generally chose to be alone, I realized the real reason of my presence here. It was the most painful part, I could not leave but it was not because of Levi had captured me against my will, I could not find the power of leaving him even though I have already refused even wishing a good day to him.

I cannot leave him, if I will set my foot on my way back to Paradise, I know that I cannot survive this time.

Everything I said, everything I had been doing did not mean a single thing. I was aware of my love to him, although I was broken into pieces because of him.

In this one month, every day I could see his face. Grumpy, unhappy, full of scars, deeply wounded, not like Captain Levi Ackerman who I knew in the past.

But, to my dismay I always loved Levi Ackerman, not the humanity’s strongest, not that legendary and reluctant hero.

I loved that fucking surly, petulant, grouchy, peeved, easily pissed off, clean freak, bossy, dominant and bad-mouthed Levi Ackerman who was always on my side. I loved that shorty who was reliable, extremely strong, capable of many things, careful, kind when the occasion calls for it and very clever.

He was my partner on the battlefield, my friend in the Headquarters, my lover in our tiny place.

Bearing witness of our separated 3 years did not help me to keep my anger against him, however, I had been trained by someone who was famous to hold grudges and has a small piece of forgiveness in the heart.

I was not only Levi’s but also Levi’s sculpture. He craved me with his heart and mind during the years of my training and beyond. Even our marriage bed was a training field.

Oh Jesus, when I remembered that night, a sudden flush attacked to my face, I could feel the heat on my cheeks.

I vividly remember Levi’s voice when he was praising me for being the best one for him although I was inexperienced till that night.

Can you stop remembering unnecessary memories?!

No.

I grunted to my useless brain and moved out of my tiny room. Levi gave me a room in his place when I refused to be in the same area with him. What a gentleman!

He knows you cannot afford a house, and he would kill someone instead of letting go to a hotel. He wants to keep you in front of his eyes, you were absent for a long time, Onyankopon said to me. He always believes he never see you again but all of a sudden you appeared.

If he wanted to keep me with him, why he did not come to fetch me after war, I asked to Onyankopon. He half smiled to me and told me this is a question to be asked to Levi himself. Only he could give me an answer, Onyankopon did not want to interfere our personal lives at this level.

Well, I guessed he interfered a lot but still I did not force him to tell me.

Levi’s flat was the second floor of his café, so I came down of the stairs in order to get fresh air. Levi was working behind Doukaina’s counter, he was dealing with bunch of customers whose I was getting familiar with some of them. When they saw me, they greeted me with their heads, I reciprocated by denying Levi’s strong presence. His eyes were piercing my back, I could feel it, but I refused to take a look back, I grab my coat and bag, then I stepped out of Doukaina’s.

He named his fucking café after me, how should I feel about this? Proud? No fucking way, every time I looked at this name, I lost my nuts.

He managed to be happy without me but living with my shadow. How could I forgive this?

I took a deep breath and started to walk on the street. My foot knew the way, the direction. I was heading to the library. To be honest, I was really so bored because of sitting on my back, it was not something I was familiar with. I had to keep myself busy, and I had to figure a way out in order to be back to Paradise.

With or without Levi.

After one month, observing him without talking, taught me that I could not be that cold-hearted bitch even if I desperately wanted to be. I could not tear him off his life, there was no possible option to try. He built a life for himself, Gabi and Falco, and Onyankopon.

How could I be so heartless taking them into our hell again?

They sacrificed a lot.

Sometimes I looked at Levi and I saw a middle-aged man who spent his life on battlefields, who lost everyone dear to him. His scars telling me how bad he hurt, sometimes he had been making a low-pitched grunt because of pain caused by his leg. He kept working on, but I could easily tell how much physical pain he was in. Falco secretly told me he was seeing a doctor, however there was no treatment to cure his wounded muscles.

And his eye.

I could not forget about his gleamy, metallic grey eyes and piercing look he could give with them. Now, he lost one of them, all the scars on his face, I bet my life on he felt like he was a beast.

Well, he was always a beast but a handsome beast.

Now, I could bet even my life on he felt like cannot be loved because he was no longer the humanity’s strongest, he was no longer Captain Levi Ackerman.

He was only Levi from Doukaina’s, the owner of a little tea shop, a semi-quasi father for a Marleyan kiddo gang.

How can you explain that to Armin? He believes you are trying to persuade Levi to comeback.

I have zero fucks to give the Revolution.

I was in a really darker mood when I reached to the library. The familiar scent of books got my senses immediately and eased my temper.

“Hello, Ms.” I heard the lady at the desk. “How can I help you?”

“Hello. I want to renew my membership to library.” I took my old card out of my purse. “Actually, I was a member, but it has been too long, so I do not know if I have to get a new card.”

“Let me see.” she reached to my membership card, and she gasped. “Miss Doukaina? Is that you?”

“Um, yeah?” I was confused because of her reaction. “Is that something wrong?”

“No!” she yelled and realized where we were and pressed her hand into her mouth. “I am sorry, but we have heard a lot about you. The headmaster will be extremely happy to see you again!”

“Is Angelo still here?” I proclaimed. “Really?”

“Yes, he did not retire yet.” she beamed. “Let me call him, or do you prefer to visit him by yourself?”

“I can go to his office.” I grinned like a Cheshire cat for this unexpected piece of news. “If you allow me, of course.”

“Be my guest.” she looked like I was a very good present and she definitely looked like she wanted to tell me something. I raised one of my eyebrows to push her, she could not hold it back anymore. “Forgive my boldness but I really admire your works!”

“Thank you.” I was surprised but I had to admit that I liked her boldness. I always liked to hear someone liked the works of my brain, it really meant a lot after killing titans and people like an endless string. I did not wish to be praised because of being a good fighter but hearing a praise because of being a good student or librarian was something else. “I am glad to hear that, I did not know they still have my work.”

“Your books are highly demanded both from colleges and individuals.” she smiled like a freak. I easily recognized the pattern of being a fan of someone, her face reminded me my face when I was trained by Levi. I know these shiny eyes, this excitement, this admiration. “I never think I could see you in person.”

“Maria,” another teenager appeared from the door behind of desk. “Headmaster calls for yo- Oh. I am sorry I did not see you Ms.”

“Fred,” she exhaled. “Do you know who is she? She is Miss Anna Doukaina!”

“What?” the young boy’s face went into blank he was literally frozen. “Who?”

“Anna Doukaina!” Maria repeated. “She came back!”

“A-An-,” Fred shuttered. “You must be kidding me; everyone knows she lives in Paradise!”

“Well, you are right.” I interrupted. “I am currently visiting Marley since there is no restriction on visiting people.”

“Yeah. You. Anna. Wow. Doukaina. You are right.” Fred’s eyes became widest, for a second, I thought he could manage to gauge them out only by looking at me. “Wow. Anna Doukaina is here.”

“What Fred means,” Maria stood up by giving her colleague criticizing look. “We do not expect to see you in Marley again after the speculations.”

“Speculations?” I cocked my eyebrow again. “What kind of speculations if I may ask?”

“Well, your husband lives in Marley without you, right? Both of you are famous names, he was a hero amongst people, you were named as a genius and people talks.” She at least managed to seem as embarrassed, but I could see the curiosity burned in her eyes. “You got your degree from Academia while your husband opened a café in the capital, but no one saw you guys together. Everyone believed that you guys divorced, after you went back to Paradise, most of us thought that you would not be back.”

“Holy shit.” I could not hold it. “I did not know we were a material for gossip.”

“You were topic number 1, actually.” Fred spilled the beans. “Especially when you refused to see Mr. Ackerman, a lot of husbands were condemning you.”

“What?”

“When you refused to see Mr. Ackerman,” Fred repeated himself like he was talking something quite natural. “A lo-

“Could you give me a moment, please?” I raised my hand.

“Are you okey?” Maria reached to me with a genuine worry.

“I am fine, thank you.” I replied but I could feel the panic attacks on the way, my breathing was becoming heavier, and my heart was pounding too fast. Bad combination.

“Fetch me a glass of water.” I heard another voice while the room is really starting to spin around me. “Quickly!”

A voice that was familiar to give orders.

A voice that was extremely grumpy but always managed to give me thrills.

The room was becoming darker, I knew that I was losing my sight and conscious for the first time in the last 5 years. Strong, muscled arms held me between their protection, before I fainted, I knew who was holding me.

Levi.

Levi Ackerman, an hour ago

“Oi, brat!” I looked at Falco, he was breathing too fast, and his face was totally red when he made an entrance to Doukaina’s. And his shoes are dirty, fucking hell. “What happened?”

“Mrs. Ackerman!” he yelled. “She is going to the library!”

“Shit.” I hissed between my teeth. Fucking woman. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Gabi saw her on the road. Does she know these people’s thoughts on her?”

“Of course not.” I untied my apron and throw it to Falco. “You are on charge, handle the rest.”

I did not waste a second, rushed to the road. I was definitely fuming, she did not know a single thing about the gossips on our not-so-well relationship, but for a while we were a quite popular topic for every living creature of Marley.

She does not know the curses of patriarchal system of Marleyan society about her, she does not know they label her as the cold-hearted bitch of Paradise.

She had been acting as a tough nut but there was a very fragile little girl inside of her heart, I knew it very well. If she were going to learn those gossips, she would be broken deeply. Even though, she has been ignoring me, I was aware of her true feelings, she did never want to be apart from me.

That’s why she could not forgive me, but she stayed with me.

I never want her to get caught up my mess, and I knew she would fight for me for her dear life, so I thought the only way was leave her to believe that I was dead. It would be better if she were not around me, but the only way to make it possible was building a barrier between us. There was no need for her to learn how many days I spent just missing her, just longing for her, hating myself so bad for letting her to go.

Yet, even with my rightful excuses and reasons, I deeply acknowledged the dire need of apologizing her over and over, begging for her forgiveness which I barely contained inside of myself.

Not seeing her around me was a hell of journey.

But seeing her around me was the worst scenario one could imagine, and I was being caught in really horrible situations since I was a boy in Underground.

She was my devoted girl, in terms of Hange’s very obvious language. She dedicated all of her to me with an incredible fidelity. When we were tying the bow, before the ceremony, before she vowed as my wedded wife, she was already the bone of my bone, the blood of my blood.

“Fucking hell.” I buzzed at my goddamn leg while I was walking to the library. It was making me slower, I hated being unable to do what I want as physically.

If I could have my body and strength as usual, the only thing I would do was taking her into my arms and having her over and over again like a fucking ouroboros.

I cursed behind my mouth and tried to walk faster. I had to catch that idiot before she was getting in touch with those poisonous vipers. However, I had to admit that what made me obnoxious more than I supposed to be not only those vipers, but also my unconscious contribution to that fucking cauldron of gossip. While I was keeping myself as invisible from her eyes when she was having an education here, I did not think of the things people could figure it out. They learned about Paradise, they learned about us, they talked about us, and everything was combined with each other.

In the end, she was labelled as an ungrateful bitch, and I was upgraded to faithful husband. I could not fix anything since I was bloody busy on hiding but hearing those comments about her fed me with pain.

She can be anything but being an ungrateful one? Do not make me laugh.

When I reached to destination, I quickly prayed for anything which could help me. I dearly hoped for she was not having any undesirable piece of information; I directly went into the entrance.

Godfuckingdamnit, she heard.

That was the first thing came to my mind when I saw her posture. Her shoulders were fallen down, her hands were shaking, and her face was nothing but full of agony. There were a couple around her, a boy and girl, they were trying to ask her if she was okey or not.

Do you think she is okey, you motherfuckers?

“Fetch me a glass of water!” I howled to them and attempted to catch Anna. “Quickly!”

Her body replied to my body immediately, fucking hell, her tensed muscled became a little bit softer when I grasped her between my arms. She was getting numb; her knees were twisting.

We had been here before.

Last time she fainted on me; we were butchering a bunch of titans.

I wonder if she carries the ODM scars still on her waist…

Is there anyone sees those little strings after me?

What the fuck I am thinking?

“Do not fucking dare to faint on me again.” I grunted but I held her as tight as I could dare of. She belongs to me, she is my bloody wife, damnit. “Keep calm and take deep breathes.”

“I am not going to faint.” she whispered, her voice was really weak, but I could hear her in every situation. Holy shit, I heard her voice when she fallen into a shitshow of titans and covered by her own blood during the clash of battlefield sounds!

We shared too many things.

“Yes, last time you said you were not going to faint, I had to carry you back to headquarters.”

“You were happy, weren’t you?” she mumbled. “I gave you the change of touching my body.”

“Hella, if I wanted to touch you, I would do before you found yourself between a titan sandwich.”

“Only in your dreams.” she said but her voice was getting weakest. I knew she was going to faint before the water, she closed her eyes, her hand dropped to the ground then the boy turned from the corner.

“Where did you get the water?” I yelled. “From Paradise?”

“I am sorry, Mr. Ackerman.” he shuttered. “There is a line in front of automatons.”

“Put that glass.” I turned to the girl. “I have only two questions to both of you. What did you say to her, and do you have something like cologne?”

“I have cologne!” the boy rushed to the back of counter desk. He left his colleague to my definitely dreadful gaze, what a companion, the girl started to slightly shake. I just looked at her by cocking my eyebrow.

“What did you say to her?”

“We did not sa-

“She fainted, let’s give up on acting and tell me what she learned from you enough to make her to lose her conscious. Before I am going to get angry.”

“She told her about the gossips.” I heard the boy’s little squeaks. “She left you, didn’t she?”

“As I thought.” I mumbled and stood up by carrying Anna’s body. “How much you told her? Tell me the whole story.”

“I swear I just talked about the speculations!” the girl angrily looked at the boy. “He told about Mrs. Ackerman’s refusal to see and its impacts on communi-

“How much you said?” I walked into the bench. “How much?”

“Just refusal!” he really screamed; his face was completely whitened. “I did not tell anything about her nickname, cold-hearted bitch!”

“If you will use that nickname again, you will not have a tongue to speak again.” I pressed on every letter of the sentence. “Tell this to everyone you know, if I hear a single word against my wife, you can be sure of I am capable of slicing living creatures like you can slice a bread.”

“O-okey!”

“Now, hold the door for us.” I turned to the main doors and walked out of the building by carrying Anna.

Carrying Anna?

What?

Anna Doukaina, after 4 hours

I woke up with a terrible headache.

Let me rephrase. I woke up because of a terrible headache.

“Here.” I heard a grumpy voice and a hand without two fingers came into my sight. “Swallow.”

I tried to move but his hand pressed me on the soft layer, a bed I guess, again.

“Feel free to lie down there. You have to rest according to the orders of doctor, so no sudden movements but you will spend a day here.”

Why a doctor came to see me?

My mind was foggy, slow to recall the last memories I had, however while I was having the pills that Levi gave me, I remembered the very last moments before I lost my conscious.

I was fainted.

Okey.

I was fainted on Levi.

Damnit.

I was fainted on Levi after I asked him if he was happy with me or not.

Godfuckingdamnit.

My mind corporate with me in the worst way I could imagine of. Those words of two receptionist, labelling me as an ungrateful wife, careless woman who did not consider her beloved one reminded me everything.

“I cannot open my eyes.” I lied to him. I know Levi is here and I am sure he did not leave me for a second, he waited me to open my eyes. I do not want to see him. “But I am pretty well, so you can go back to work.”

“I do not want to.” he plainly answered. “I will stay, and I know you can open your eyes if you want. But I respect your decision to keep them closed. I am not someone who is worth to look.”

“What?” I fell on his bloody trap and immediately looked at him.

“Oi.” he smirked. Smirk? “It is good to see you are awake.”

“How many minutes I was unconscious?” I asked but I could feel all the heat of embarrassment as I hopelessly tried to change the subject. This is why I hate being with Levi, I become a stupid, lovesick girl!

“Almost 4 hours passed after you fainted on me.” he seemed nonchalant as he informed me; my chin was dropped. 4 hours?! “I have to say, I am impressed. The last time you were fainted for almost half an hour.”

“It was not the last time.” I could not catch what I said, then I pressed my hand onto my mouth, but it was fucking too late. Levi’s eyebrows furrowed and he gazed at me while he was trying to figure what I meant.

“I will not force you to tell me,” he murmured, and he took my hand off my mouth. You are damn close, Ackerman! “But I really appreciate if you can share when you were fainted after that incident.”

“When I heard about the explosion.” I replied. I was too tired of being hiding from Levi. “I thought you were dead.”

Levi did not answer to me, instead of words, he was using his goddamn eyes. I always believed his eyes could see my heart and soul, even the deeps that I did not know anything about.

“Were you,” he cleared his throat after looking at me for a while. “Upset?”

“Ha?” I inhaled while my mind just left the building. “I thought you were dead; I was not upset. I wanted to die but I had to wait for you to be back to me. What would happen if you appeared in our home and could not find me? That was the only thought kept me alive.”

“How much you heard about explosion?” his voice was cracked. Full of fear. Anxiety.

“I knew that monkey exploded himself. No one told me in detail, no fucking one tell me that you are alive. I guess, they think I am nothing to you even though I carry your name.”

“I wanted them to shut their mouth about me.” Levi was a sweet talker as always. “I did not want my situation keeping you back from living your life as fully.”

“And what does it mean?” I managed to lift my upper body by gaining strength from my elbows. “Do you know how many days I spent mourning for you? Do you know how it was, believing that you were dead because of a monkey, because of Commander Smith, because of our goddamn world’s cruelty? An I had to continue on that way until the end!”

I could not control myself anymore, it was too much, overwhelming and suffocating. I just wanted to scream everything I have been holding inside out off my chest. I was definitely not in my best physical condition, and I really preferred to have this conversation in a situation which I would be at my best self-confidence time, but no. It was too late for that.

“Do you know how much I cried? Have you ever thought about me even for little while you are exactly aware of my devotion to you? How could you decide leaving me behind, in a total darkness by yourself? Not because once I was your wife, I was your comrade and you left me with the feelings like how you felt after Commander Erwin passed out.”

“Look at me!” he literally grunted towards me. “I am not the guy you have been knowing in the past anymore, I cannot give anything to you, unless you are fine with a small tea shop where is full of tea leaves, two Marleyan kids and a retired soldier’s company. And me, as wrecked, wounded to death, like a scumbag. How could I comeback to home like nothing happened to me, and face with you when you just having a change of living a normal life after war?”

This was the longest speech Levi gave to me till now, and we had almost half of our lives together.

“Do you think I could take you out of my mind even for a bloody second after I woke up in a fucking, dirty and cold barn? You were the last thought of me when that motherfucker exploded my cart, you were fucking crying and lamenting for me, you lost your smile, I knew that you could not overcome my death although the promises we gave to each other, I cold-heartly killed my subordinates before the explosion after they became fucking titans, but I cannot deal with the idea of you being dead. You are the only one I cannot sacrifice of. Do not act like you were alone in pain, I carried that burden, you have no idea how much I missed you, you were carved into my eyelids, I did not spend a fucking minute as not dreaming of you.”

“You should have let me know.” I gritted my teeth. To be honest, I was impressed by his honesty. Levi was always honest; however, he had never been vocal about his own feelings, I knew for once he loved me, but I had never ever heard those three words, eight letters. “There is nothing left to be said by you, you cannot find an excuse for your choice.”

“I do not try to find an excuse.” Levi said. “I explained how I felt to you until you appeared in front of my door, for a long time I strongly believed that you were a ghost.”

“What do you expect?” I hissed at him. “Do you think I can easily forget your misbehaviour? I know you like knowing the back of my hand, you always choose the way that makes you less regretful and you chose to leave me behind.”

“I did.” he inhaled. “And that was the best choice to make. I could not drag you into my shit.”

“How could you do that?” I asked but all my anger left me. I suddenly started to feel like I was empty, there was nothing but pain. “How could you, Levi? I was your wife.”

“You are my wife.” he grabbed my hand. Did he really believe that he could change our hiatus? My emotions were remained untouched, maybe he could be right on his mindset, maybe he really thought about me and tried his best in order to keep me out of his personal hell, however it did not help me to overcome all the sleepless nights I had. I pulled my hand back out of his fingers. I was searching for this hand during the long nights he caused, and there was no guarantee he would not leave me again. If he would decide on leaving me behind was the best thing to do, he would do it immediately. He would not ask my opinion, he would leave me alone with only my thoughts, my memories of him and he would let me to eat myself alive. I could almost taste the bitterness on my tongue, I could not let his poor reprimands to break my walls while my wavering feelings of abandonment conquered me.

Rain hitting the windowpane above, not a playful and soft type of rain. That was cruel rain that beating the life out of city. Suitable for us.

“You are my wife, Anna.” he repeated himself. “Should I remind it to you, goddamn, I can happily do it.”

His face transformed into something I have ever seen in his features. His Aegean eyes turned into a stormy sea in a second, burning with unnamed desires which I was also feeling in the deeps of my heart. Determination conquered his fucking handsome face, and there was fear. Self-hatred. Regret. But much to my dismay, there was a dire need of teaching me a lesson that set his soul on fire.

I have been knowing this face of Levi. I have been there before.

I knew when he got me and he knew he did.

In a blink of an eye, before I could take any position to defend myself, he grabbed my wrists and pulled me to his arms. He was fucking strong for a man who lost his strength! I quickly realized the potential danger I was in. If he would touch me, I knew that my heart did not spend even a second to betray my mind. That would be the nail in my coffin.

Even though the haziness of my mind slowed my reactions, I covered my face with my hands.

“Do not fucking dare.” I dropped my voice tone as I was informed on, I looked more intimating when I threat someone with lower tone. I did not tone down my wording, there was no place to be gentler with words, I was going to use my curses and I had quite a vocabulary. “If you lay even a finger on me, that’s going to be only way makes you regretful.”

“Maybe.” he did not try to take my hands off my face, and he literally locked me in his embrace. “I assume so.”

“If you do,” I struggled to get rid of his arms around me. “Why don’t you use your brain and let me go? For a better life?”

“So smart.” he huffed once in laughter. What the fuck? The tension of the room changed into something I really did not want even to think of naming it. “I do not have intention to let you go. Never again, brat.”

“Levi, I swear on everything you can believe, if you do not le-

“What will you do?” he interrupted me. “According to you, I already fucked the things up and you told me you will never give me your forgiveness. What makes a difference between not being forgiven for a sin or for two sins?”

“This is the shittiest logic I have ever heard, and I was in Military Police for a while.” I forgot to press my hands onto my face due to his unexpected, unpleasant, and twisted thought about forgiveness. “I do not know where you learned about sins, asking for forgiveness or literally remission, but I think you lost couple of important points.”

What I missed was while I was lecturing him on forgiveness, I let my hands down and I had been sitting on Levi Ackerman’s thighs.

More importantly, he was definitely not the type of man who miss a chance to perform what he aimed for.

He caught my hands immediately and he pressed his lips into mine.

When I felt his velvety lips on my mouth after fucking years, that sensation made me numb in a nanosecond. My logic just left the room, left me with my dire need for Levi. His hands. His lips. His love. Everything about him, I just need Levi, Godfuckingdamnit he always affected me like anaesthesia.

He kissed me and it made me felt like I was breathing again.

I could feel he loosened his tight grip around my wrists by the fact that I was definitely not fighting with him, on the contrary, I was responding to him in the way he wanted. I knew that I was going to be extremely ashamed of what the heck I was doing right now, but even the sorrowness eating me every day refused taking the control of my body back, I felt like my flesh gained an independent character who was begging to my soul for keeping the things as they were happening right now.

Levi was kissing me. His goddamn lips made me feel like I was alive.

The Ouroboros that living inside of me started to comeback into life. With every move Levi made, I could feel Ouroboros biting itself inside of me by releasing the poison.

“No.” I broke the kiss and pressed my hands to his shoulders in order to keep him away from me. He was heavily breathing, his beautiful face became pinkish while his lips shading with darker red, and his eyes, goddamn, his eyes were burning with passion.

He looked like a god, and I hated him for his level of good-looking to my bits.

I was burning too but my fire was caused by different reasons except one, the reciprocated hunger for each other was remained same between Levi and me, to my dismay I strongly felt it. However, the anger was growing in me was for both of us. To him, for his fucking departure and leaving me by myself and his shitty excuses, building a life without me, living a life in the shadows, and running away from me. The list never ends. To myself, for loving him as much as the first day I realized how much I devoted my heart to him and never manage to overcome my love for him even though I had to.

“I love you.” he said. “You fucking know, I spent my life by loving you, brat.”

Maybe there was an earthquake.

Maybe there were bombs exploding all over Marley or Paradise.

Maybe there was a chain of natural disasters which happening right now.

But I could not understand even if I would be brutally killed in this very moment.

He finally said that he loved me.

“If you say no, I will not do anything.” he murmured. “Just tell me.”

I stared at him, how could he be a total moron and did not see how I was amazed by his long-awaited confession? Inside of me, I was screaming, swearing, crying, laughing, and cursing at full speed but I was frozen in reality.

Let me introduce Levi Ackerman to you.

A blockhead, humanity’s strongest and my Ouroboros literally and figuratively eating me alive.

My Levi.

“May I continue to kiss you?”

[thepandapopo]

Promises - A Sylvix 2020 Holiday Fic

Summary:

When Felix learns that Sylvain has never had the chance to truly enjoy the Yule holiday (or any holiday for that matter), he makes it his personal mission to correct this injustice.

OR

Felix just really wants Sylvain to know that he's loved. What better way than to melt down his favorite sword into an engagement ring?

Posted for A Very Sylvix Holiday 2020

Warnings: N/A. Rated T for vague mentions of sex. 

Sylvain/Felix #Sylvix  Fluff | Proposals | Family/Found Family #sylvixholiday  4300 words https://archiveofourown.org/works/28086762  I hope y'all like my sylvix holiday oneshot! As usual kudos, likes, and RTs welcome :) I hope I can share a little joy with all of you this holiday.

It was no secret that Sylvain and Felix grew up together. In fact, it was something that the older boy liked to remind their mutual friends every chance he got how adorable little Fe used to follow him around like a lost duckling, clinging to him whenever something or the other inevitably made his eyes mist with tears.

But in all his years growing up with Sylvain, the full force of Sylvain’s absolute joy over the Yule holiday never really came up until the year after the war ended, only a few months into his official ‘move in’ to the Fraldarius castle and the freedom that came from saying a long overdue fuck you to Margrave Gautier, whom – Dimitri assured – was on the fast track to being unseated so that Sylvain could finally take over and begin peace talks with Sreng.

“You’re acting like you’ve never celebrated Yule before.” Felix deadpanned as he watched his boyfriend (and new housemate) string tinsel along the hallways, complete with a mistletoe at every door.

Instead of a reply, Sylvain merely stuck his tongue out at him in an eerily reminiscent way that made Felix’s head spin with memories of two younger children in days long past.

He never really got an answer as to Sylvain’s strange behavior.

The Yule holiday season came and went, and it was only halfway through the next year on a sleepy summer morning that Felix learned why in one of their rare early morning pillow talks.

“What do you mean your family didn’t celebrate holidays?”

A warm huff of breath tickled the hairs atop his head, “it’s exactly like it sounds, Fe. My family wasn’t exactly the type to sit around a dinner table and chat amicably. The only time we celebrated was when we were with company or if my father wanted to rub elbows with other nobles and sniff out a marriage candidate for me.”

Felix is very glad that his face is buried in Sylvain’s chest so that he can’t see the fury in his eyes or the way that his eyes scrunch against a familiar sting when the truth squeezes his heart in a death grip.

His arms must also tighten unconsciously because just as soon as Felix makes some absent calculations on how long it would take to ride to Gautier and castrate Sylvain’s father, the warm strong arms around him are pulling him in tighter in reciprocation and a large hand tangles itself into his unbound locks.

“It’s fine,” Sylvain mutters, lips moving in a whisper across Felix’s forehead. “After all, I’ve got you now, don’t I? Holidays are for spending time with family at home and you are my home, Fe.”

Well, fuck him three way to Ailell if the fool isn’t right. Sylvain’s home is with him, here in Fraldarius castle. Here in his room, in his bed, and in his arms.

And fuck it all even more if Felix doesn’t make every holiday from that day forth the best damn holiday Sylvain has ever had to make up for his lost childhood.

Which is exactly how Felix finds himself standing in front of the stall of his favourite blacksmith in Fhirdiad later that year on the first snowfall of the season.

(It is very important that he does not go to a blacksmith in Fraldarius for this particular task because Goddess forbid Sylvain catch wind of this secret order and bother him about it.)

The weight slung across his hip is a familiar one – the well worn scabbard an extension of his own body and the sword sheathed inside a friend that carried him through the war, but more importantly, also the savior of Sylvain’s life too many times to count.

It only seems appropriate that it continues to accompany them throughout their future together.

“Lord Fraldarius!” The blacksmith greets heartily when he ducks under the entrance flap. “Or should I say Your Grace, now?”

The heat is sweltering inside, but it is easily overshadowed by the thrill and excitement of seeing the wide assortment of sharp blades strewn about for display. But alas, that is not what Felix is here for and he cannot bring home any evidence of what he is up to.

“No need for formalities, Than. Just Felix is fine.”

“Well then, young master Felix, what can I do for you this day? Another sharpening? Or perhaps a new blade?”

It’s all very tempting, but that’s not the reason why Felix has laden his gold purse with a hefty sum before coming here today.

“Actually, I was hoping you would be able to take on a custom request for me…”

----

It takes exactly 53 days before Than finishes his order just in the nick of time when Sylvain and Felix travel to the Kingdom capital with an invitation from Dimitri to spend the holiday with him, Byleth, and basically every other friend from the war that he can send a missive to.

It’s easy enough for Felix to slip away to the blacksmith’s once again while Sylvain is busy catching up with Ashe who chatters non stop about the booming success of Dedue’s Duscur cuisine, much to the embarrassment of the quiet giant who looks like he is torn between wanting to change the subject and basking in the praise of his ‘close friend’ (Sylvain snorts at that one because anyone with eyes can see how smitten Dedue is with the archer and vice versa).

It’s even easier to conceal the little velvet box underneath the layers and layers of wool that protect him from the bitter winter winds that Faerghus is known for.

What isn’t easy, is dragging Dimitri and Annette away to tell them his intentions because the last-minute invitation from their King throws off his entire original plan.

“Oh Goddess! Felix, it’s beautiful.” Annette gushes and peers at the silver band nestled snugly within the ring box cushions.

He’s not too sure about beautiful – there are other things more fitting to the word, like the very man he wants to give this ring to – but he does know that it is breathtaking in its own simple way.

The silver shines brighter than any gem and catches the light no matter which way it is turned. Etched onto the surface of the band in delicate handiwork are swirling lines weaving the symbols of Fraldarius and Gautier together to become something wholly new, something wholly Sylvain and Felix.

“There’s more.”

Gently, Felix pulls the ring out to show his two soon-to-be accomplices the detailing on the inside.

“Don’t bend it,” Felix glares a warning at Dimitri as he places the ring on the outstretched palm of his king.

“I promise I will not,” Dimitri chuckles, but Felix can hear the nervousness buried underneath in a way that only an entire lifetime of friendship can uncover. Regardless, the boar does not close his hand or pick up the seemingly tiny ring dwarfed in his palm, choosing instead to rotate his whole hand so that him and Annette can peer at the graceful cursive inscribed on the inside.

In Life and Death

“I…” Felix swallows the lump of emotion in his throat before continuing quietly, “I had it made from the sword that I used throughout the war.”

Both of his friends gasp at his admission, the crackling fire in the hearth flickering shadows across their faces that twist their face into a deeper shade of shock.

“But Felix,” Annette chokes, “You loved that sword. It was your favourite sword.”

Beside her, Dimitri nods emphatically, “I believe the very words you had said were ‘I will take this sword to my grave’.”

“You carry it around everywhere whenever you travel.”

“Indeed. I have rarely seen you without the familiar scabbard by your side.”

“You literally visited the blacksmith every moon during the war to make sure the blade was upkept.”

“The number of late nights you’ve spent sharpening-“

“Enough.” Felix hisses at them. “I get it, already.”

It’s another heartbeat of silence before he can muster up the courage to verbalize the emotions that are currently running through him; that have always thrummed in his veins whenever Sylvain is by his side.

“It’s… it’s because of how important that sword was to me that I wanted to re-forge it into something that I could give to Sylvain.”

Golden eyes turn down to the floor and Felix has to fight the visceral urge to scuff his boots against the floor like a boy who was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Or in Felix’s case, with his hand on his father’s ceremonial swords mounted high above the fireplace, requiring both him and Glenn to even reach it.

“He still thinks I’m going to disappear someday and become a mercenary.”

It stings to say out loud, but it’s the truth and Felix will be damned if he ever becomes so much of a coward that he cannot even face the facts in front of him.

A shaggy lock of blonde hair falls from Dimitri’s half updo as he shakes his head. “I’m sure Sylvain doesn’t think that, Felix. You told him that you had decided against that and he believes you.”

But that’s not how Sylvain is. Felix knows that even if Sylvain tells him that he believes that Felix is here to stay, there will always be demons and ghosts lingering in the darkest corners of his mind, whispering poisonous words and you’re not worthy of love’s in his heart.

“He does, but I know him. He’s still scared; I want to give him this to prove that our promise is more than just dying together.” It is more. It is so much more. “It’s… it’s about living together, too.”

Felix does not elaborate further because he doesn’t need to. Despite Dimitri technically being his oldest friend, Sylvain was always his closest and it is no secret that Felix would fight a hundred wars just to see him happy. In fact, fighting to rebuild a world where crests no longer ruled over everyday life was one of the biggest reasons why he had fought to begin with.

He wanted to build a world where Sylvain was free to be… just Sylvain.

Turns out fighting an entire imperial army and a whole legion of crazy cultists is a lot easier than arguing with Sylvain’s demons.

“Oh Felix,” Annette sighs wistfully, “He’s going to love it.”

Felix certainly hopes so, because if he doesn’t, Felix is not only down one extremely well crafted blade, but more importantly it proves that maybe Felix doesn’t know Sylvain as well as he thinks he does.

Dimitri nods his assent, “It suits you both. Even if he didn’t, which I find impossible, he will love it simply because it is coming from you, Felix.”

If his self discipline was ever in question, it is long cleared based solely on the fact that Felix is still standing here under the awed gazes of his king and irritatingly fond friend despite how much every vein in his body screams at him to run literally anywhere else, just to get away from their scrutiny and out of the limelight. But his purpose in dragging Dimitri and Annette away is twofold and he has merely completed the first part of his goal, leaving the second most important bit still hanging in the air.

Taking a deep breath, Felix fills himself with the same steely determination that he brings whenever he steps on the battlefield.

“I’m going to need your help.”

----

Felix hates balls. But Sylvain likes them, and Felix likes making Sylvain happy so somehow Felix always ends up going to them.

Will you dance with me, Fe? Sylvain always asks with that stupidly blinding smile that makes Felix’s heart feel three times too small for the amount of love he feels for the man. And even though he wants to say no, there isn’t an ounce of will in him to actively go against something that clearly means so much to Sylvain.

Each time without fail Felix ends up being twirled around on the dancefloor to the lilting notes of a waltz – or maybe it’s the quickstep? Not that it matters since Sylvain’s leading is graceful enough that even Felix can keep up.

Which is exactly what he banks on.

“Come on, Fe! You owe me a dance still.” Sylvain tugs the flute of champagne from his hand, slipping his own calloused fingers through Felix’s and drawing him gently towards the open floor.

In the sea of Faerghus blues and whites, Sylvain cuts through the slowly diminishing crowd of the Yule ball like the blazing dawn of a new day tugging Felix along by his heartstrings.

He must make a face, because soon enough he’s being bombarded with pouty honey browns and Felix is drowning and completely at the mercy of the man before him.

“Just one.” Felix huffs. He has to put on a show of his usual reluctance after all. Otherwise Sylvain will start to become suspicious.

Sylvain winks like he’s in on a big secret, “just one.”

(They both know it won’t be just one.)

From across the room, Felix nods subtly to Dimitri who is following them with watchful eyes, and immediately, the King disappears to put into motion their grand master plan. If all goes well, Annette should also be on the move rounding up all their friends and entreating the small string quartet to play a half dozen more songs, just enough for the remaining stragglers to retire for the night at the encouragement and behest of Dimitri, before ending the evening with one final song request.

Felix barely has enough time to quickly run through the rest of his plan in his head before warm hands circle his waist and tug him closer into a lungful of citrusy bergamot and earthy pine.

The weight of the small box in his pocket is heavy, but the way Sylvain’s eyes melt into warm chocolate and the encompassing warmth of belonging make Felix feel like he’s walking on air. The world falls away to nothing around them and Felix knows with a surety borne from walking alongside this man for his whole life, that Sylvain is also here in this moment with him.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I never want you to feel lonely ever again.

His heart is pounding but Felix does not know if it’s from nerves or from the suddenly overwhelming need to let Sylvain know just how much he is loved.

Steps flow into more steps, and yet it feels like no time at all passes before the world comes back into focus as the first lilting notes of Felix’s requested song (communicated by virtue of Annie) fill the room.

As planned, the hall is almost entirely empty now save for their close friends who loiter around the sides. A flash of bright orange in his periphery tells Felix that Annette is busy running proxy and filling their companions in on the plan.

Goddess knows what Dimitri is up to. Though Felix has a sinking suspicion that the stupidly soft-hearted boar is probably sniffing away happy tears somewhere behind a glass of sparkling cider.

The music swells and that is Felix’s cue.

“Sylvain.” He doesn’t dare speak any louder, lest he break the spell that they are under.

Hazy brown eyes focus slightly, even as Sylvain gives a distracted hum in response.

“I…” Goddess, why are words so hard? “I… I know that you never got to enjoy Yule or any other holiday really when you were growing up.”

“Hm?” Now he has Sylvain’s full attention. “Felix, are you still thinking about what I told you in the summer? It’s fine. Really. I have you now and that’s all that matters.”

“But it’s not okay,” Felix grouses out, still dancing. “It’s not okay that you were robbed of happiness so early in your life. It’s not okay that you never understood what it was like to be loved until we basically beat it into your thick skull at the academy.”

Insulting Sylvain is definitely not how Felix wants this to go, but he relaxes a little when Sylvain merely laughs, “that’s one way to tell me you love me, Fe.”

“I do.” Felix says, almost defiantly as he raises his gaze to meet Sylvain’s stunned one. “I love you more than you know and more than you believe, and it’s because I love you that I promise that I will make up for all those years that you should have been happy – I’ll make every year better than the last.”

It must look so odd, Felix thinks, how the more determined and steelier his face gets, the sappier and lovestruck Sylvain’s expression becomes.

“Fe,” Sylvain’s breath washes over Felix’s face as he presses a soft kiss to his lips. “You already make me so happy. Everyday with you is worth everything I’ve gone through and more. I truly… I truly don’t deserve you.” When Sylvain pulls away, there is a sad smile tugging at his face and a distant part of Felix wants to smack it right off.

“You do deserve me.” Felix snaps. The music is slowly dying away now and his voice comes out louder in the growing silence of the hall than he intends, but his heart is beating a mile a minute and there’s no stopping now, and so Felix decides to hurl himself headlong into the deep end.

“You deserve so much, Sylvain. So much more than I can give you, but I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try.” Felix pulls them to a stop in the middle of the dance floor and gathers both of Sylvain’s much larger ones in his.

He doesn’t dare look up at the love of his life, but their lives are so entwined that Felix can picture with crystal clarity the look of growing confusion and wide eyes that is surely adorning Sylvain’s expression.

“Sylvain Jose Gautier.” Felix likes the way the name rolls off his tongue, but he would like it even better if there was another name added to the end. “You are the biggest fool I’ve ever met. You throw yourself into danger to protect those that you love, yet you never consider yourself worthy of love in return.”

Felix builds enough courage now to look up at Sylvain to see the startled wild confusion grow in his eyes.

Eyes that widen even further as Felix sinks down to one knee with his hands still cradled in Felix’s left, as his right reaches into his coat pocket to pull out a simple velvet box.

“I know,” Felix swallows the lump in his throat and tightens his grip on Sylvain’s hands which are now physically trembling, “I know that you’ve never thought that you would be happy. That you deserved to be happy. But I want to prove you wrong.”

There are tears running down Sylvain’s face now as his mind finally puts the pieces together and the reality of the situation fully dawns upon him.

“I never want you to feel like you aren’t loved ever again. I never want you to feel lonely or like there is no one out there who has your back. I never want you to feel like your life is conditional and that you have to cripple who you are just to be accepted.”

Goddess. Sylvain truly is an ugly crier. Blast him for looking so handsome anyways even with his nose scrunched up and fat crocodile tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

“I love you, Sylvain, and I want to spend the rest of our lives proving it to you, so will you marry me?”

The beat after the metaphorical ball drops is painfully long, but when time resumes again, Sylvain’s knees buckle beneath him and he collapses in a sobbing heap, his body leaning into Felix like he is touch starved and Felix holds the warmth of home in his arms.

“You-“ Sylvain’s voice is hoarse as he chokes the words out through his tears, “You… want to marry me? Marry me?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to.”

(Across the room, Dimitri has to hold Ingrid back from throwing a cup at Felix’s head)

“But, it’s me! Felix, I’m a mess. How could you ever want someone as broken as me?” There is desperation in Sylvain’s eyes, but it is wild, like Sylvain himself doesn’t know if he’s desperate for Felix to just take this last out he’s providing or to reassure him that yes, this is really happening and yes, Felix really wants to marry him.

“You idiot.” Felix huffs fondly, reaching up a pale scarred hand to gently thumb away the nonstop tears on Sylvain’s face. “I’ve wanted you since we were children. I will never stop wanting you. You might be a mess, but you’re my mess.”

Felix withdraws his grip slowly and finally opens the velvet box clutched in his hand. He doesn’t hear so much as feel the sharp inhale from Sylvain as he reveals the glittering silver ring nestled in the soft cushion.

“Do you remember the sword that I carried with me throughout the war?”

Sylvain scrubs his eyes and nods, “Yeah. I remember. Why? What happened-“

Brown eyes widen almost comically again and Sylvain stares at the ring with his mouth agape.

“Felix. Felix, don’t tell me…”

“If this doesn’t prove how serious I am, then I don’t know what will.”

“But Felix, you loved that sword.”

Felix doesn’t even pause to think before he retorts, “You truly are a fool if you think that I love a sword more than I love you.”

Felix does not expect for Sylvain to burst into sobs again, but rather than the irritation that he’s sure he would have felt under different circumstances, the only thing Felix can feel right now is warmth and love blooming in his chest.

“Sylvain,” Felix feels a small smile tug at the corner of his lips as he brings his hand up to frame Sylvain’s tearful face, “will you marry me?”

The crooked wobbly smile that graces Sylvain’s face next is one that Felix will remember for the rest of his life. It is the same one that he’s seen only a handful of times, but he knows what it means and Felix swears that he will dedicate the rest of his life finding ways to silence the demons and bring out that smile again and again and again.

“Yes.”

----

Neither of them remembers much of the celebration after Felix slips the ring on Sylvain’s finger.

The rest of the night passes in a blur of bottles upon bottles of champagne (the good stuff, according to Ashe who may have had a peek in the cellars) and laughter and congratulations.

But most importantly, it passes with Sylvain being surrounded by the people who have risked life and limb for him, and Felix hopes that this is at least a decent start to spending the rest of his life making his future husband happy.

---

It is only much later that night in the aftermath of rumpled sheets and whispers of pleasure that Felix succumbs to the incessant voice at the back of his mind, itching to ask what he already knows but wants reassurance of anyways.

“Did you… was this Yule better than last year?” His breath ghosts over the red hairs on Sylvain’s chest, stirring the owner to shift away ticklish and shuffle so that he can look down at his fiancé.

“Yeah, it was. It was absolutely wonderful.” Sylvain’s voice is quiet when he answers. Quiet enough that the sincerity of it strikes Felix through the heart and stirs the butterflies in his stomach. Above him, he can feel Sylvain’s muscles shifting as he examines his new engagement ring in the moonlight and Felix pointedly does not point out the fresh batch of tears that well up in Sylvain’s eyes when he finds the inscription carved on the inside.

Felix nods his head once in a jerky movement, the abruptness a stark contrast to the curl of satisfactory success blooming in his gut. Good. That’s one year down and an entire lifetime to go.

“I keep my promises, you know.”

He doesn’t need to say it, but the part of him that is finely tuned into the entity that is Sylvain tells him that these are words he needs to hear regardless of how difficult they are tripping up and out of his mouth.

“I promised that I would make up for all those shitty years that you never got to celebrate properly.”

Sylvain huffs a laugh into his hair, “well, you’re off to a strong start. I believe you also promised me that you would make each year better than the last.”

He’s teasing, but Felix hears the small sliver of shy hope that toes the open space between them timidly, almost as if the fool didn’t just hear him say that he keeps all his damn promises.

It will be a long and hard battle before Felix can officially claim victory over Sylvain’s doubts, but he’s no stranger to war and this is one that he already knows the outcome of.

“I will,” Felix whispers into a sweet kiss, “I promised.”

---

It comes as no surprise that Felix stays true to his word.

Either Felix is the most brilliant strategist in all of Fodlan or Sothis herself watches over them, for in a fortuitous twist of fate, the next Yule seasons brings Sylvain and Felix a beautiful baby girl that they lovingly name Sophia Gabriella Fraldarius-Gautier.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX Please follow me on my Twitter if you want to know my fic progress, when I put up new content, and sneak peeks!

[we-are-only-halfway-home93]

Come and Lay the Roses 5- Sell My Soul- [Ivar x OC]

Summary: Aaline meets Ragnar. Aelle makes a deal with Ecbert.

Characters: Ivar x OC, Bjorn x Torvi, Ubbe x Margrethe, Hvitserk x Thora, Sigurd x OC, Lagertha, Ragnar

Warnings: Arranged marriage, language, violent, sex, torture

Word Count: 2634

Ch. 4

“Trust is a dangerous game.”

Ecbert sat with his hands pressed together and held against his lips. He watched Aelle with inscrutable eyes and contemplated his plea.

Aelle had been rash, attacking Kattegat. The peace brokered between Ragnar Lothbrok and his Northmen was tenuous at best but it had held steady since the death of his wife seven years before. Ecbert had worked hard to keep Ragnar Lothbrok at bay. He was a formidable enemy and the Saxon organization had suffered enough at his hands.

Aelle’s attack on Kattegat was foolish and had cost him. Yes, Ragnar Lothbrok suffered considerable financial damage, however, he made enough annually that it would be easy for him to recover the nearly five million dollars that he’d lost in Aelle’s attack. If anything, Aelle lost more than Ragnar.

The attack itself had been rash but Aelle decided to send his brother Aethelwulf in as the lead on the attack. Many Saxon men died and Aethelwulf was missing. Ecbert was confident that Ragnar Lothbrok had him locked up somewhere to use as a bargaining chip. If Aelle was lucky, they would just leave him locked up but, if Ragnar did was Ecbert thought he would do, then, Aethelwulf was most likely in the hands of Ragnar’s most brutal and unpredictable son.

Ecbert was well aware of Ivar Lothbrok’s reputation. It was well earned, after all. The rumors that surrounded Ivar “the Boneless” were intriguing. Ecbert had been witness to some of Ivar’s fights when he was a teenager. It was true that he appeared to dance inside the ring. If you looked close enough, it looked like he was moving and bending in ways that were impossible for the human body. His childhood nickname of “The Boneless” took on a whole new meaning.

Ecbert had heard whispers among his men of what Ivar Lothbrok was capable of. He was merciless when provoked. Fighting in the boxing ring was one thing but, when attacked, Ivar was ferocious. He stopped at nothing to get what he wanted or right whatever wrong he felt had been dealt against him. He was insane and yet, Ecbert had to admire the fierce loyalty that he maintained. He’d never turned his back on his family and Ecbert could only dream of such blind loyalty. His own son, coincidentally also named Aethelwulf, was loyal to a point.

Ecbert’s men liked to talk. They spoke mostly of Ragnar’s sons and their devotion to their father and his cause. They spoke of Björn’s impenetrable fighting style. How he was untouchable and no man could mark him. They spoke of Ubbe and Hvitserk and Sigurd and how each brother fought with abandon, unafraid of death.

They mostly spoke of Ivar. A demon, they called him, with black eyes full of malicious intent. A smile that dripped of sin and waved you off as he sent you to meet your maker. They spoke of how his teeth dripped red with the blood of his enemies. The most popular claim was that he would take men home, still alive, and flay the skin from their bones before eating it raw.

Ecbert was not one to believe in rumors. He did not doubt that the youngest son of Ragnar Lothbrok was as savage as his men claimed but he very much doubted that he was a cannibal or a demon, for that matter. He was just a man and men had weaknesses.

“What is it you think I can do for you, Aelle?” Ecbert folded his hands and sat back in his chair. Aelle heaved a great sigh and shifted his girth in his chair. The legs creaked ominously beneath him and Ecbert arched an eyebrow, waiting. “I propose that we come together. My men and your men, as a single unit, would be too much for Ragnar Lothbrok and his sons.”

Ecbert nodded in thought before he sat up. “I was not the one who attacked Ragnar Lothbrok. My brother is not the one currently behind enemy lines, probably being tortured for information. Ragnar Lothbrok is not after me. Why should I help you and break the peace that I have with Ragnar Lothbrok?”

Aelle looked irritated but must’ve been expecting the argument. He opened his mouth to continue. “It is no secret that the peace between you and Lothbrok has been unstable since the sudden death of his wife which,” Aelle held his hand up to keep Ecbert from interrupting. “We both know had nothing to do with either of us. It was an unfortunate tragedy, yes, but neither of us was wise to the plot.

“All the same, Ragnar has not trusted us since that unfortunate incident and has steadily been trying to push us out. He’s slowly bought out our clients, our storefronts. Just last week he made a deal with one of the top construction companies in the nation and is now a member of its board. He’s trying to get rid of us as quietly as possible.”

Ecbert narrowed his eyes and looked away from Aelle. He had had similar thoughts within the last few weeks. Lothbrok’s reach was getting too long. He was beginning to control more territory that Ecbert and Aelle combined. Soon enough, he would have control of everything Ecbert held dear.

He turned back to Aelle. “What kind of deal did he make?” Aelle’s smile widened and he leaned forward. “Ives Jensen was indebted to Lothbrok, owed him millions of dollars that he couldn’t pay back. Now, Ives’ only child is a daughter that he sent away after the death of her mother. Ragnar has five sons, all of whom are extremely devoted to their father, do whatever he asks.

“Now, Ives is a coward. He hasn’t been running his company since his daughter graduated from Oxford. Ragnar has four sons that are already married and one son that is rumored to be uncontrollable.”

Ecbert began to understand what kind of deal Ragnar Lothbrok had made. “These rumors have been hurting Ragnar’s reputation. His own men have begun to discuss his inability to control Ivar and how it may be time for him to step down. Of course, this is unacceptable so, when Lothbrok goes to kill Ives Jensen and take back his money, Ives does what all cowards do and offers someone else in his place.” Aelle’s voice was quiet like he was sharing a secret. Ecbert couldn’t help but smile as he listened.

“Ives offers his daughter as a wife for Ivar. He’ll hand over his company, his assets, everything to his daughter and, as an extension, Ragnar, in exchange for his life.” Aelle sat back, happy with the tale he just told.

“This is something that Ragnar cannot possibly pass up. One of the nations largest construction companies, virtual control over it, millions of dollars in revenue, and exhibiting his control over his youngest son. It works out wonderfully in his favor and gives him control of properties that have been in our territory for years.”

Ecbert took a deep breath and licked his lips. He looked over at Aelle. “Well, if Ragnar Lothbrok can make deals of marriage, why can’t we?” Aelle looked contemplative as Ecbert leaned forward, his hands pressed tightly against the desktop. “I have a son, you have a daughter. Let’s discuss our options.”

.

Aaline crept lightly down the stairs. The house was quiet and dark. Everyone else was asleep and Aaline didn’t want to wake them.

It was after three in the morning and Aaline was heading to the kitchen. She had trouble getting to sleep so she decided to venture down to one of the kitchens and make herself something to eat.

She remembered as a child waking up in the middle of the night and going in search of her mother. She would always find her in the kitchen with a tall glass of milk filled with crushed Oreos that she would dig out with a spoon. It was heavy with sugar and numbed Aaline’s mouth with the cold. She remembered giggling wildly with her mother during those late night snacks. It was one of the only memories she had of her mother before she died.

Aaline pulled the milk from the fridge and the Oreos from the cupboard. She poured herself and tall glass and then crumbled up each cookie individually before she dropped them into her glass. She closed her eyes as she took the first bite. It had been a long time since she’d last enjoyed this special treat. She hadn’t done it since college and the flood of memories brought tears to her eyes.

In the back of her mind, she wondered if she and Ivar might ever share memories like this. She felt despair settle in her stomach at the thoughts and shook them away. She would be lucky if Ivar was tolerable.

She placed her dirty glass in the sink and made her way back around to the staircase and up to her room. On her way, she heard a soft rustling from the sitting room in the back of the house. She turned to investigate and saw a soft light coming from down the hall. She slowly made her way towards it and stopped in the doorway.

She’d seen enough pictures of Ragnar Lothbrok to know that he was sitting before her now. He had a newspaper from today, well, technically yesterday, unfolded in his hands. He had a pair of reading glasses pushed far down the end of his nose. He was bald but with a thick beard that obscured the lower half of his face. His face was lined with the experiences afforded to a man his age. The lines around his eyes trailed down his cheeks. There was a long scar on his right cheek that curved around his eye and up his forehead. She could tell, even from the doorway, that Ivar got his eyes from his father. They both held the same secrets and the same pain. Ivar’s eyes were cold where Ragnar’s were warm.

What surprised Aaline most about Ragnar’s appearance were the tattoos on either side of his head. They touched at his temples and spanned the space of his head, trailing down around his ears and disappearing into the collar of his shirt at his neck.

She was surprised that a businessman like Ragnar would adorn himself with such obvious ink but she recalled where he started in life and it made sense.

He began his career as a businessman at the bottom of the totem pole. A lowly foot soldier taking orders from the man on top. He did the bidding of Earl Haraldson, the man that Ragnar would one day replace.

As a foot soldier, Ragnar tattooed his victories on his skin. They told the story of his strength and his independence. They told anyone who looked at them how he overcame Earl Haraldson for control of Kattegat and, eventually, the Northmen.

“You are welcome to join me, Miss Jensen. There is another seat.” Aaline startled and blushed fiercely at being caught staring. She shuffled forward and sat on the edge of the chair next to Ragnar. He smiled at her and closed his paper, handing her an empty glass. She took it, confused, and watched as Ragnar unscrewed a flask and poured her two finger worth of whiskey. She smiled and took a careful sniff. Ragnar laughed when she burst into a coughing fit.

“My apologies. Floki makes his own whiskey and it is very potent.” She nodded and set the glass down, deciding to leave it untouched. Ragnar shuffled his paper and went back to reading.

Aaline felt awkward, sitting in the dark with a man she barely knew. She opened her mouth to speak but Ragnar beat her to it. “We have not been formally introduced.” He folded his paper and set it down on his lap. “I am Ragnar Lothbrok.” He held his hand out for her to shake. “Aaline Jensen.” She whispered.

He smiled and his eyes crinkled at the corners and she found she liked the way it changed his face. “It is nice to finally meet you, Aaline Jensen. I have heard a lot about you.” She tensed and nodded once, looking away from him. She heard him hum. “I imagine it is hard for you, being here, alone, knowing no one.”

There was an accent present in his voice. It was thick but he enunciated well, spoke clearly. She imagined a man like Ragnar Lothbrok was not stupid by any means. He had to be clever in order to get to where he is now.

She turned to look at him. “I’m adjusting.” She said. He nodded, looking over her face. “The girls are lovely, very welcoming.” She nodded and looked down at her hands. “At one time, they were all in your shoes. New to this world, the challenges of marrying a Lothbrok.” She snorted and he quirked an eyebrow.

She sighed. “No offense, Mr. Lothbrok,” He cut her off. “Call me Ragnar, please.” She hesitated but nodded and continued. “No offense, Ragnar, but I don’t think any of the other women who married into this family did so under duress.” Ragnar smiled and nodded, humming his agreement. “No, I don’t believe they did.”

She looked at him and watched as he breathed deeply. “You remind me of my daughter, Gyda. She had a fire about her. She would not be told what to do. She followed her own path, made her own decisions.” Aaline drew her eyebrows together. “I didn’t know you had a daughter.”

Ragnar looked sad then and nodded slowly. “She died, many years ago.” Aaline closed her eyes and shook her head. Losing her mother had been hard on her but she couldn’t imagine losing a child. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been very difficult for you.” Ragnar grunted.

“There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. She was the light of my life.” Aaline felt tears burn her eyes and wished that her father held her in the same regard that Ragnar did his daughter. Her father had said a lot of pretty things to her but never had he displayed his affection in a way that meant anything.                  

“I love my sons, dearly. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.” She looked up at him then and his gaze was focused on her entirely. She felt trapped beneath his eyes. “But their wives, my new daughters, in all of them I see Gyda. I am reminded of how easily life can be taken and I vowed to protect them as I would my own daughter.”

He picked up his own glass of whiskey and took a long drink. He placed it back down and smiled at her. “I know that this is not what you want. It is not what Ivar wants, either. I imagine none of us ever thought this would be a path life would lead us down but, alas, we are here.” He shifted in his seat to face her fully, his eyes still locking her in place. “I want you to know, as much as you may not believe it now, you will always be protected under this house. You are my daughter now and you will always be safe here.”

Aaline swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall. She wanted to speak, say anything to Ragnar Lothbrok but the lump in her throat was too thick and any words that she tried to force would lead her to tears. Ragnar must’ve sensed it because he tipped his head to her and gestured to the door.

“It is late, child. Go back to bed. There are many things to do in the morning.”

[littlewritingrabbit]

Were you for real about the tree ficlet? Because every time is appreciate William North time, and I need that in my life :')

Indeed I was! I’m afraid it turned out a bit angsty, but it’s still Appreciate William North time, so here you go :”)

September 17th, 1787

Doubtless the Baron von Steuben had seen himwalk up the front path, and doubtless he was waiting inside for him to knock,but William North still hesitated a moment at the front door. 

Hehad been surprised that he was invited at all, seeing as he was getting marriedin a month. He hadn’t been glad to put the words on paper and send them off tohis one-time-Inspector-General, but he had been so swamped at the time with armypaperwork and the busyness he hadn’t been aware a wedding would bring into hislife that there was hardly another option. So here he was, holding a book of Germanpoetry wrapped in brown paper in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other,suspecting that the Baron likely did not want to see him. 

Heknocked, and to his surprise, von Steuben opened the door and embraced himstraightaway. North, squished as he was against the star medallion that theBaron obstinately wore everywhere (even on his banyan), wondered if he ought tosay something. He settled for “Happy birthday, my dear Baron.”

“Whythank you!” said the Baron, letting him free at last and placing a kiss on eachcheek. His overenthusiastic Italian greyhound Azor took a turn at greetingNorth, jumping up to try licking his face. North laughed and pushed him back. “I’mglad you could come,” said the Baron.

“Iseveryone here already?” North asked as they walked towards the parlor, Azorsniffing happily at his pockets just in case he had brought treats. He wouldhave thought Benjamin Walker would accompany von Steuben to the door.

“Youare everyone,” said the Baron, shooingAzor out of the room lest he attempt to sniff their wineglasses off the table,then sitting heavily on the divan. “Le petit Walker is visiting some relativesof sa grande femme - he will visit me here next week-end. Our dear du Ponceauis practicing law and courting a girl - no time for me, and Fairlie is marriedand getting into public service away in Albany,” he smiled solemnly. “All toogrown up for the old Baron now.”

“OhI doubt that,” said North, taking advantage of the lack of company to curl upbeside von Steuben, resting his head on the embroidered shoulder of his banyan.“Next thing you know they’ll be back introducing their children to you.”

“Ihope not,” von Steuben chuckled, “I’m a terrible influence.”

“Never,”said North with a grin, uncorking the wine.

Thesun shone in the windows as they drank the wine and recalled some pleasant anecdotesfrom their time in the war. North found himself doing so a lot lately, thoughhe realized that perhaps he ought not to glorify a time full of such bloodshed.He simply couldn’t help himself. He’d never felt so surrounded by family. Ofcourse, he had siblings, but they were both quite a bit older than he was, andhis mother had been there to take care of him after his father died, but theirhouse in Boston had been rather quiet. None of his relatives had properly knownhim in any case. How could they, when the secret he kept from them was sogreat? If they could see him sharing a chair with Benjamin Walker, leaning overto kiss him, and then being startled by du Ponceau eavesdropping, or drunkenlycuddling up to the Baron after a most improper party… well, he was fairlycertain they wouldn’t be understanding about such things.

Andso North worked to reconcile the memories of the closest family he’d ever hadwith the occasional nightmares of gunfire and running in terror, because one didnot come without the other.

“Rememberthe red petticoats?” the Baron chuckled.

“Ido! Remember the fireworks when we celebrated the alliance?”

“SoI do!”

Theyfinished off their glasses and von Steuben extricated himself from where he hadbeen wedged between North on one side and some decorative pillows on the otherto retrieve a plate of biscuits. Once several of these were polished off, Northpresented him with the package wrapped in brown paper.

“Ohyou spoil me Will,” he smiled, untying the string around it.

“It’sthe least I could do,” said North, “After all, it’s not every day one turnsfifty-seven!”

Theyspent a good while after that occupied with the poems - the Baron translatingand North commenting on which parts he liked in particular before they fell quietagain.

Northknew he was going to have to broach the subject at some point.

“Isuppose you got my letter…” he said, reaching for another biscuit to avoidcontemplating von Steuben’s expression.

“Idid,” the Baron closed the book of poems softly. “It seemed important news tosend by mail.”

“Iwould rather have said it in person, but… well, you know how life intercedes,” Northstudied the biscuit sadly, well aware of how von Steuben was gazing at him,probably waiting for him to lift his eyes.

VonSteuben took North’s hand, brushing this thumb over the scar that ran along theback where he’d been cut by a redcoat’s sabre. “Do you wish to be married?” heasked.

Theentire time he’d been seeing Mary, courting her, engaged to her, no one hadever asked North that question. First it had been a jesting “You’ve been hangingaround the old Baron a lot lately - you’d best be careful you don’t become anold bachelor like him!” which had mercifully been replaced by “You’re seeingrather a lot of this Duane girl,” with a knowing look, and then “Are youcourting her yet?” and when they thought he couldn’t hear, “Has he got up theguts to court her yet?” and he had figured, why not? She was a dear friend,what could go amiss in courting her when everyone so clearly wanted him to? “So,are you two betrooothed?” and “I’ve heard he’s afraid to propose,” followed inquick succession, and suddenly North had found himself on Mary Duane’s doorstepwith a bouquet of flowers and a ring. No one had ever asked him if that was hisintention. His throat prickled.

“No,”he said, his voice cracking slightly. “No I do not think I do, but what else canI do?”

TheBaron said nothing, but pulled his hand so that North moved closer, curling upbeside him once more with the Baron’s arms around him.

“Ithappened faster than I intended,” North said, “Polly is so kind, and I think Ilove her, in a friendly sort of way, if that makes sense. But to marry her…” hesighed. “I’m terrified. I know I’ll have to be married eventually, but I don’tbelieve I can give my heart away when you and Ben hold it so steadily. You twoknow me better than she ever can, because you know I’m not the hero who comeshome from war to marry a girl and settle down. That’s simply not a part I canplay… yet here I am.”

Heate the biscuit sorrowfully. The Baron was quiet and sturdy beside him. “Areyou upset with me?” North asked.

“Upset?My dear Will, however could you upset me?” von Steuben sounded incredulous.

“Byrunning off to be married, of course,” exclaimed North, “By pretending to bethe returning hero, by pretending I love Mary Duane and not you and Ben… byleaving you like everyone else did.”

“Icould never be upset with you - you’re too kind for it,” said the Baron. “Neithercould I be upset with Walker, or Fairlie, or du Ponceau. They had to make theirown way in the world, and yes, perhaps I miss them, but more than that I wantthem to be happy. If this marriage secures for you a pleasant future, with awife who is a good friend and even children to love and teach, if you wantthem, then I will be happy that you are happy. I will miss you, and I willwrite you altogether too much, but it would be ungrateful of me to keep you allto myself; I learned that long ago. The world around us hasn’t room for thelikes of us together.”

“Wouldthat it did,” said North, his voice trembling with emotion held too long in hislungs, “I would visit Ben Walker with a bouquet and a ring, and we would bemarried, and come live here with you!” He realized, as he said this, that hewasn’t simply melancholy, he was also angry. For a brief moment, William Northwas profoundly and helplessly angry at the gossips and the court-martialers andthe whole world for trying to tell him the way his heart ought to feel. “And wewould say it aloud - the three of us are a team! We know each other’s heartsand love each other for it! That is simply how it works and I cannot explainit!” he said.

TheBaron squeezed North’s shoulders and moved to stand. “I haven’t any rings,” hesaid, “But I agree, a memorial of some sort is in order, I think.”

Northsaid nothing, but followed him to the yard where a cool breeze was rustling theoak leaves above. Von Steuben approached the trunk of the tree, and then pulleda knife from his boot.

“Wasthat… always there?” North asked, but he received no answer. The Baron was busyscraping the knife across the ridged bark of the tree, carving an “f” into thewood.

“Weshall put our names right here,” said von Steuben, “And then this little yardwill always hold our memory.”

“Doyou plan to carve in your full name?” North asked warily.

“Ofcourse not!” smiled the Baron, “I should dull the knife before I even got to “Augustin”!”

Whena spiky F.S. + W.N. had been carved into the tree, the owners of the initialssat to rest in its shade. It was the end of summer and an era all at once. Fornow, however, they were both content to sit in the dappled sunlight and talk oftheir adventures in the Continental Army, both the exciting and the terrifyingtogether, as one did not come without the other.

[hanleykayla]

September 2, 2018

It’s 6:00am in Cape Coast and I am wrapped in a blanket, drinking a coffee, and looking out over the ocean from my balcony. And, I am finding a hard time finding the words to write for this post. I sat here yesterday afternoon and attempted to write as well, but I couldn’t find anything to say. It might because I finally told my mind to “shut up” (rightfully so), or its because I cannot slow down my thoughts enough to actually capture them. It is difficult trying to explain whats going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself. But whatever it is, with my lack of thoughts, my two-week-long headache seems to be going away, so I am going to sit here for as long as I can and enjoy this.

Monday-Friday this past week was somewhat uneventful. As a way to raise awareness about child labor and trafficking, Cheerful Hearts conducts “Child Rights Talks” in schools all around Central Ghana. The talks inform the students, age 6-16, about their rights as children and the difference between good and bad work. While I have never seen or led one of these talks myself yet, I was tasked with updating the talks to make them more “impactful.” Accepting this responsibility was a little challenging for me. I had a lot of questions and I didn’t feel like I, a complete foreigner to the students and their life, was the right person to do this alone. So, I asked everyone in the office if they could find a day during the week where everyone was free so I could host a brainstorming session. 

Tuesday was the decided upon day and boy, did I show up for it prepared with all the questions and a hope for productivity. As shared last week, I am aware of the difference in approach to time between Ghanian culture and my own, but it is taking a while to learn it, to fully digest it. Because let me tell you, my expectations were not met. I realized that I approached the conversation with too broad of questions, hoping to open the door to exploration and discussion, but rather I let a lot of tangential conversations walk in. I walked away from the day with notes that read differently that I anticipated, but I think maybe more useful than expected: “To do: Give people something to respond to; Use less time by being more direct with questions and focused on something that can generates specific opinions. This way, there is time for both productivity and flexibility in the work day.” 

We all want to shape something with our hands and say, “Hey! Look! I made this!”; We want to see a product out of work, whatever that is. But, when you’re in an environment, when you’re doing work that you can’t see what you're producing and you’re just going through the emotions, that’s when a psychological gap comes in. And, we tend to fill it with the questions of “What am I even doing here?” “What’s the point of all of this?” That’s why finding ways to feel productive in your life is so important.

So, I am trying to blend the two value systems of time and productivity and in result, I have begun to think about different ways to fundraise for Cheerful Hearts. I think this could be a process that doesn’t necessarily have a specific deadline, but is one thing that I am sure of that will make a impact and is something that I could accomplish while I am here. For now, this seems like a useful and appropriate thing to direct my attention to. I have a lot of ideas that I am excited and hopeful about that I cannot wait to share!

On Friday after our team meeting, some of the people I live with and I took a three-hour trotro ride to Cape Coast. It’s a costal town located to the west of Kasoa and is known for its role in the transatlantic slave trade. On Saturday morning, I visited the Cape Coast Castle, originally built in the 1640s for the trade of timber and gold, but eventually used as one of the largest slave castles that held slaves before they were boarded on to ships and sent to the Americas. I spent three hours there and it was a powerful experience that left me with a heavy weight to carry for the reminder of the weekend. 

Fortunately, there was more to the Coast this weekend to occupy my time than the haunting memories of the slave trade: the Oguaa Fetu Afahye Festival. Oguaa Fetu Afahye is an annual festival celebrated on the first Saturday of September. Similar to other festivals in Ghana, there is a history to this celebration: 

Once upon a time there had been a plague in Cape Coast as history has it. This was devastating and as such demanded that the people of Cape Coast call for an intervention from their gods. It is believed that the gods helped the people to eradicate the disease, hence, the name "Fetu" originally known as "Efin Tu" ("doing away with dirt”). The festival is about keeping the town clean and praising the gods that watch over them.

While the traditional celebration was on Saturday afternoon, which was celebrated with a parade and dancing, the height of the celebration occurred on Friday night. Known as “Orange Friday,” the whole town dresses up in orange, closes all their businesses, and takes to the streets. Unaware of this day, I was appropriately dressed in light blue, and if this or my white skin didn’t make me stand out already, I am sure that my overwhelmed facial expression did the trick. I was offered unrecognizable meat on sticks and marriage proposals, but all I accepted was some dance partners and a few photo opportunities. I also graciously accepted the advice of many to keep my phone out of sight because “there were a lot of bad people around here,” so sadly, I didn’t take as many photos or videos as I would have liked.

After all the hype of the festival, we are brought to here: 6am on a quiet beach with just me and the massive (!) waves. This is what I was expecting when I pictured my weekend on the Coast. And, while I really think I could have used some days of stillness and comfort, the experience I did have this weekend was invaluable in the culture that I saw and the people that I met. Last night, a man named Peter approached me, and I initially shut him down by responding to his simple “Hello” with a pretty blunt, “Hi, I don’t want to be your friend.” Which I am realizing sounds so cold as I type it, but for the past six weeks, I have been targeted daily only as an obroni that can either offer money or marriage - two things that I am not about to offer anyone. So, I have been conditioned to just assume that people only want to interact with me because of this. However, Peter met my rudeness with patience and did not shy away like I wanted him to. Rather than challenging my decision to not be his personal friend, he asked me why that was my first reaction to his presence, overall. I explained to him that because I am constantly approached and unaware of people’s intentions, I don’t know who to trust, and rather than giving people the benefit of the doubt, I am choosing the safe route of putting a guard up. He said he understood as much as he could, but wanted to reassure me that, just like anywhere, there is a diversity of people here. What could have been a ten-second interaction turned into a 30 minute discussion about how to have an open mind and heart when in discomfort. 

All of this, the office meeting, the weekend festival, the conversation with Peter, got me thinking about expectations. As much as I said that I didn’t have many expectations when coming here and that I wanted to just be open to learn, it would be a lie to say that I did not have any. I had the expectation that I had to fully accept and adapt to the living standards of my community and that if I really wanted to “get something out of this,” I needed to reject the standards I have back home. What I am realizing is that expectations are a framework to get you started, but then once you get moving, you get to decide what is next. 

For example, I feel guilt and shame when I decide to stay in a hotel with all the things that give me ease (AC, warm water, and wifi). “I came to Africa to experience this world, not to run back to my first-world comfort! What am I doing?!” But, the truth is, I grow restless when I go weeks without a full night’s sleep because of the heat. I would become uneasy if I didn’t know when I would be able to talk to my family and friends next. With the lesson of loose expectations, I am learning that adaptation can go both ways. I need to adapt to a new lifestyle and environment, but I need to give myself the freedom to adapt my beliefs about how things should be.

Don’t grow bitter towards your dream. Be curious and discover the world on your terms. Liberate yourself and give whatever you need to have the stamina to be present and full. Work just as hard for moments of joy and peace as you do for productivity and efficiency. 

[myrskytuuli]

Holy hell, okay, this is not a drill. Goldie O’Gilt is making an appearance in a comic, and it’s not a cameo.

So, my drug dealer got me hooked with some 2017 Topolino, and I need to scream about it, because Goldie!

That’s right, she is back, and looks absolutely stunning.

So, this is an Italian comic, and therefore it can be expected that the tragic romance™, that is more popular in the post-Rosa duck comic tradition, has been toned down a lot. Now full disclosure, I’m shipper trash and am fully committed to the tragic romance™. I wrote a 50 000+ words fanfic about it. I am also known sufferer of Brigitta MacBridge nonsense, so while this rant might be biased, I try to be biased in a gentle way. It’s not your fault Brigitta, that you have been written that way. Or that Scrooge and Goldie are soulmates. Ahem.

But to the comic itself. There are lots of things I love about it, and then there are some things that make me side-eye it in vaguely disapproving manner. I swear, not all of those reasons are shipping reasons. Okay yeah they pretty much are.

(Quick, follow me to the kitchen, you can throw a coffeepot on my face, and we can roleplay our night together in White Agony Creek anew!)

The premise of the story is pretty much, what if Goldie and Brigitta properly met? It’s…not a lot. There is no plot beyond: what if Goldie and Brigitta had a girls’ day out. Which I guess is fine, because that is all it is supposed to be. It is a slice of life character study. Usually I’m all about those, but…well Goldie doesn’t really shine when you don’t give her anything to do. In Rosa/Barks stories (which are the only stories where we see Goldie as a character) the focus has never been solely on anyone’s feelings. They have been very action-packed stories with any hinted romance taking a firm backseat.  

What I’m trying to say is, that I’m disappointed that Goldie didn’t get to join in any of those silly Italian adventures. Not even little bit of shenanigans. Aww, and it could have been so fun too.  

(You mean you didn’t come all this way just to ravish me against this discount-yard-sale table?)

Goldie is in Duckburg to collect a debt that Scrooge owes him. Solid beginning. Unfortunately, we never see her collecting this debt! The money issue is dropped from the story way too quickly for my tastes. Because while I 100% believe that Scrooge would avoid having to pay up any dubious debts, I do not believe that Goldie would give up that quickly.

And even more importantly, it would have been hilarious to see some actual petty shenanigans going on between these two. Note that it is mentioned that the original debt was 20$, which Goldie is trying to claim back with stupidly high compound interest. There is a story right there, nothing else needed. Just show me the ridiculous lengths these two are willing to go for 20$, while the rest of Duckburg watches in horror and bafflement. Also, hint that the real reason why these two keep the conflict going is that this way they can spend time together without actually talking about their feelings. Boom, story done. God, they should hire me to make scripts for these comics.

No?

Okay fine, let’s see what the actual story is all about.  

Oh yes. Brigitta. This story was all about Brigitta.

For no good reason whatsoever, Brigitta loses all of her cools over the situation.

1.Don’t call him your Scrooge. You don’t own him.

2.Don’t call Goldie a dusty memory, that’s rude.

3.Goldie had the receipts, she has a genuine claim for that 20$, she’s not doing anything wrong for you to start insulting her!

Yes, yes, she is jealous and all that jazz, but honestly. It’s pretty hypocritical of her to “protect” Scrooge and his 20$ when Brigitta herself so frequently is an antagonist against Scrooge.

The following temper tantrum from Goldie delights me to no end, not because it is aimed towards Brigitta, but because it lines up so perfectly with all of my headcanons for Goldie. Sure, she might act cool and dignified these days, but deep down she is still the hair-trigger tempered diva, that would stay inside a burning building just for the aesthetic.

This has nothing to do with Scrooge, and everything to do with the fact that you called her old. This primadonna will now destroy you mentally, because that’s how she rolls. You will not disrespect the original material girl without consequences.  

(I am the only person who has ever conquered Scrooge. Wow okay there Goldie, maybe tone it down a bit. I mean, yeah girl you are…but maybe don’t overshare too much.)

Was that kind of a bitchy move? Yes. She is kind of a bitchy person.

My next grumble about this story, is the weird way it deals with Scrooge. I cannot say anything specific…but there is just a really weird vibe to how he is written in here. The weird inner monologue on how he might be able to use the two women against each other to get rid of both of them…was…um.  

While my first impression on Goldie’s, I am Scrooge’s number one love interest, speech seemed to be a bit beneath her, I then realised that she isn’t actually saying anything about her own regard for Scrooge. She is bragging about how Scrooge used to be bewitched by her, because that is the kind of thing that a dancehall girl would brag about. Pffft, yes it was Scrooge who was losing his mind over me back in Klondike, I was cool as a cucumber the whole time. Scrooge was nothing more than another notch on my bedpost. I have a heart made of ice, haven’t you heard.

Anyways, Scrooge decides to get rid of Brigitta by confirming everything Goldie just said. And I know that the story wants us to take Scrooge’s words with a grain of salt, because they are just a plan to get Brigitta to leave him alone….which does nothing to make me sympathise with Brigitta.

Putting my shipper heart on the side, pretending to be in love with someone else, to get rid of an admirer, does not create tension for ambiguous love triangle. It is what girls do in crowded bars when some drunk guy doesn’t leave them alone.

(Sorry Brigitta, but can you please leave. I was hoping to get conquered tonight, if you know what I mean.) 

(They look like mom and dad getting yelled at by their daughter.)

Once again! What exactly are you mad about!? Which part of, I’m in love with someone else, gives you reason to get angry at them???? Remember that Brigitta at least is supposed to believe Scrooge to be fully sincere in his statement.  

Back to Scrooge being a little shit. In a way, I want to be mad about this, but I’m not going to. Because lets not mystify Goldie too much, and pretty much all the rest of Scrooge’s family and loved ones have at least once been sent through that trap door.

No, let me grumble a little bit after all. I would heartily endorse this, if this was actually about the 20$. But it’s not. The whole thing is framed so that Goldie can have the great epiphany, this is how Brigitta must always feel!

Oh please.

Also, I think that we are supposed to be angry at Scrooge for being so callous towards both of the ladies, so that we can root for them becoming friends later. Which, yeah fine, but do we really have to. One of the things I most despise in Brigitta centred stories is that they by default make Scrooge into a dick. They have to. The whole story has to be built on the idea that Scrooge is just afraid of girl cooties, and therefore has to be pushed a little, so that he will eventually play nice, even with a girl. It is the only way to make Brigitta’s advances feel somehow justified. And in this case the characterisation bleeds to include Goldie under the umbrella of women that I don’t want anywhere near me, because women cost money or whatever.

So, it mostly feels like Goldie has to be booted out of the office, so she doesn’t trick Scrooge into marriage or some other sneaky thing that women are always doing. Sighs eternally. 

(Oh my god, she is a serial killer. No one else has this many pictures of one person on their walls.)

But this story isn’t even about Scrooge. It is about female friendship. Which is a beautiful thing, and really this story does manage to do lot of things right.

(Hey, can I crash on your couch? Turns out that Scrooge didn’t like it how I called him my conquest in front of you and the staff. He’s always been a bit of a prude like that.)

I’m not really fan of the whole, we have lots in common thing, because they…don’t. And the whole, I now understand your perspective, because now I have been rejected too… doesn’t really work, because Goldie wasn’t proposing anything in the first place. Remember how she was here for that 20$! I do! Can we get back to that! Goldie wasn’t asking Scrooge out, wasn’t asking him to marry her, she was asking for money, and getting the cold shoulder for that should not come as some kind of an epiphany!

Nevermind. That’s cute as heck, I don’t even care how we got there.

Goldie would make a good mentor for Brigitta. As would Scrooge. The world would be a better place if Brigitta was treated like an over-enthusiastic businesswoman who wants to learn all of Scrooge’s tricks, and Scrooge was treated like grumpy, slightly unwilling teacher.

(So, what was Scrooge like when he was young? Oh, you know, very conquerable.)

Why is her hair silver, what is this travesty, colouring person you had one job!

Goldie tells Brigitta the story of sleeping pills, thievery, forced labour, kidnappings, and other general criminal activities that make up their tragic romance™.

(Oh, so when you slip him a pill on a first date, it makes you morally complex, but if I did that it would be just creepy and weird!)

(Context Brigitta, it’s all about the context!)

If I was Brigitta, I would feel a bit wary drinking anything with her, after the story she just told.

And then I almost got my hopes up, that something amazing was going to happen! Brigitta started to self-reflect upon herself, and doubting the way her life is now constructed. She admitted that she doesn’t have a positive relationship with Scrooge, and that maybe she is wasting her life. For a moment there, I thought that Brigitta was going to develop as a character.

There was a moment. A glorious moment, when I really thought that this was where the official policy concerning Brigitta was going to be changed, and she would stop trying to marry Scrooge. I did get my hopes up.

Aaaaaand, then this happened. 

I guess it was inevitable, that Brigitta would get a cheerleading speech from Goldie, to bring back the status quo, but damn does it still feel weird. While I completely, 100% support Goldie’s you are a good and smart woman, if Scrooge doesn’t want that it’s his loss, that is where it should have ended.

Because the part about: because your feelings are painful it means that your love is real, and you shouldn’t give up on them, is complete nonsense. If a relationship is hurting you, it is not worth pursuing!!! Goldie implying that Brigitta’s hurt feelings are the reason she shouldn’t give up on Scrooge, I asdfghjkl, what the fuck!!!!

Secondly, that’s all well and dandy that Goldie now thinks that Brigitta’s love is real, but how exactly does that change anything?! You don’t think that maybe it should be Scrooge who gets to decide who is allowed to make romantic advances towards him!

Scrooge is not an object whose ownership you get to negotiate amongst yourselves!!

more, or less direct translation: you have continued to beat on to conquer who you love.

That is not a good thing!!

Yeah whatever. Goldie is his past, maybe Brigitta can be his future. Great. And I guess these two making a friendship with each other and admitting that both have the equal right to present themselves as options of romance for Scrooge is kind of mature and respectful towards everyone, if Brigitta wasn’t…you know Brigitta. She has not been known to respect Scrooge’s boundaries.

Goldie makes some great faces in here, and I will fully enjoy them. Even if I at the same time roll my eyes at the mandatory, lets punish Scrooge part of any Brigitta comic. You do know that while maybe him booting you, Goldie, out of the office could be seen as mean, he did absolutely nothing disrespectful towards Brigitta. Scrooge owes her zero apologies, because he never even said a mean word towards her! Brigitta had her whole sulk, because she thought that you two were hooking up. That’s not a crime.

In this continuity, I can understand that Scrooge would prefer to be married to his money. Because these women are written kind of unreasonable.

The inevitable self-reflection. Scrooge admits that both women are important parts of his life, and that he does care for both of their well-being. Cute, believable, satisfying. Well done everyone. I still firmly believe that Scrooge sees Brigitta more as a younger sibling than potential lover. But that’s just a headcanon, so feel free to come to your own conclusions. 

(That is a duck who feels uncomfortable.)

The ladies return to the money bin just in time to eavesdrop on Scrooge’s monologue, and find out that he cared for them both after all. And honestly, I think these pictures tell everything that needs to be said about how much Scrooge cares about Brigitta’s advances.  

God, she looks cute, I forgive this story for everything, Goldie is too adorable.

Well, I guess that this was the first time that Goldie has made a proper appearance in the Italian duck universe, and all in all, not bad. Maybe I will get an entirely new look on the story, if it gets properly translated, and I don’t have to play the I’m pretty sure I know what this means, game.

Congrats if you made it all the way here, these ramblings were long.

Ankkaneito returns back to the hole, where she came from.

[svu-stories]

With All Of Me | Part Two

For: @yourtropegirl Characters: Rafael Barba/(Female) Reader Warnings: Mentions of Sexual Assault/Rape Word Count: 1,525 Notes: So, I got these three prompts all at one time in a row, and they lended themselves to a three-part imagine. So I hope y’all enjoy this short story! Prompt: Imagine Barba almost being late to his own wedding.  Part One | Part Two | Part Three

“A little overdressed, aren’t we?”

“I was glad to hear you wanted to talk,” Rafael said, ignoring the prior remark and eyeing Rita Calhoun carefully as she sat across from him in a large armchair. He leaned back in his seat, taking full control of the situation. “Did you realize that your client is guilty and there’s no way out of this mess?”

“I’m here as a courtesy to you, Barba,” Calhoun insisted. “You wouldn’t have asked me to come if you weren’t coming to your own senses. I am representing a decorated officer of the law. Do you really think he wouldn’t have been able to cover his tracks?”

“I believe he got comfortable,” Barba countered. “Comfortable and lazy, which is why we are here.”

“Look,” she stopped him, crossing her legs as she leaned forward. “I don’t need to hear your theories of the crime, what I need to hear is what you’ll offer.”

Barba smirked, beginning to list off the plea bargain the DA’s office was prepared to accept. As the bargaining began, he glanced at the clock over Rita’s shoulder. She wasn’t going to give in easily, and he only had forty-five minutes to finish this process.

Unfortunately, Calhoun couldn't keep herself from fighting. Even if he was in a tuxedo.

—

An hour later, he was shaking Rita’s hand with a smug smile as she nodded and agreed to call him as soon as she’d spoken with her client. A lengthy prison sentence, the registry, and losing his job would soon be the least of the man’s problems.

Seeing the door open, Carmen rushed into Rafael’s office, pinning a calla lily boutonniere to his lapel and adjusting an out of place hair. “Mr. Barba,” she chided. “We’re running late. You cannot be late today, sir.”

“I know that, Carmen,” Barba snapped, searching through his desk for his keys.

“What was so important that you had to have a meeting today? You know she’s got to be worried. You were supposed to be at the club almost an hour ago.”

“I had no other option. I needed to do this,” he continued, cursing as he noticed his keys atop of his desk. He slammed the drawer shut, nerves starting to eat at him as he adjusted his tuxedo jacket and started following Carmen out the door.

“But what was it that you had to do today, of all days?”

“Nail her rapist to a cross.”

Carmen sighed, but glanced at her supervisor to see the look of disdain that crossed his features. She nodded, holding the door open for him and ushering him out of the suite, “Yes, Mr. Barba. That would be rather important. Now, come on. We can’t waste any more time.”

“We won’t,” he insisted, following her to the street with the slightest bounce in his step. Barba didn’t often show enthusiasm outside of the courtroom, but this day was different. This day was everything. “Did you already call for a cab?”

“One better,” she chuckled, leading him down to the curb where a limousine was waiting. Rafael grinned, sliding into the open door and dragging Carmen with him. She wasn’t staying at work.

Not on his wedding day.

“To the Swan Club, please,” Rafael grinned broadly. “I need to go make a pretty girl my wife.”

—

“Where the hell is he?” You hissed, hiking up the skirt of your a-line wedding gown as you paced the dressing room. He had already missed the first reveal time, texting and promising that he was on his way. Rafael was nothing if he wasn’t punctual, and you couldn’t help but wonder if he’d developed cold feet.

It would make sense, wouldn’t it? Your relationship lacked any sense of convention and seemed to have formed out of a necessity that you couldn’t describe. Having been the one person you could trust fully, Rafael had stayed by your side the entire time the investigation and subsequent trial preparation had taken place.

It had been nine months since you had laid eyes on your rapist. Nine months since Rafael had sat with you in the hospital, watching you break slowly before his eyes. Nine months that he had spent putting your world back together.

Falling in love had happened faster than you planned. Late night dates with Rafael and Jack Daniels turning into early mornings spent talking about everything. He told you about growing up in the Bronx, his fears that he still hadn’t fully overcome the poverty he knew so intimately as a boy. You told him of your siblings and weekend long speech retreats in the midwest as a high schooler. You shared stories of drunken college regrets and broken dreams replaced by your current realities.

He brushed your hair out of your face as you shared the contents of each nightmare filled sleep and you slowly kissed away each courtroom defeat.

Five months ago, he proposed. It had seemed so soon. You had said no at first, and the weeks that followed were the most painful of your life. You’d lost your security blanket, and worse, you’d broken his resolve. He was an unbearable crab to everyone, and eventually Olivia had to call you into her office. You had walked in scared, knowing that she couldn’t be happy.

And you talked. You didn’t talk to your supervisor, but to your friend. She helped you realize how much you loved him - so much so that it was terrifying. Life without Rafael was like living in an empty void, scared of everything and empty of all things that give life.

You called him four months ago, crying, and said yes.

You hadn’t gone a day without him by your side since, and put together the quickest, most extravagant wedding you could imagine. Because, as Rafael had pointed out, why wait when you exactly who you want to spend every day with until the end of time?

Yet, here you were, twenty minutes from the ceremony, and Rafael Barba was nowhere to be found. You groaned, lifting your hand to run it through your perfectly curled hair when someone reached for your wrist. You froze, eyes trained on the delicate fingers that held you still. Your eyes followed the bare arm, reminding yourself it was feminine and delicate.

Your eyes met those of Amanda, and you let out a deep breath that you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. She sensed your discomfort and released your hand, letting it fall to your side.

“I’m sorry, darlin’,” she began quietly. “I didn’t want you to mess up your hair.”

“It’s- It’s okay,” you stuttered, slowing your breathing and silently wishing Rafael was in the room. “I just need to know that he’s here. What if he realized this isn’t what he wants? We moved so fast and-”

Amanda shook her head, cutting you off by smiling sweetly and leading you to a chair. You tried to resist, not wanting to risk wrinkling your dress, but the exhaustion from the near-panicked state you’d just been in caused you to follow her lead.

“He loves you,” she assured, her accent thick and warm. You smiled softly and nodded. He’d promised so many times that you were deserving of his love and so much more. “He told Liv there was something to finish up at the office.”

“He’s working? On our wedding day?”

“It was important,” Olivia jumped in, stepping into the room. You eyed the dresses you’d picked for both ladies, knowing that Amanda was standing on your side with Olivia on Rafael’s. They looked lovely in the coral tea-length dresses you’d all agreed on. “But his limo just pulled up. He feels awful for being late, but with all of the guests here, he thinks that maybe you should skip the reveal and let him see you the old fashioned way, walking down the aisle.”

You let out another breath and nodded, letting Amanda help you into a standing position. You stopped at the mirror, using your thumb to blend your lipstick just slightly before glancing over at Olivia, “Can you tell him something for me?”

“Of course,” she smiled kindly.

Your eyes glanced over the scars visible in your sleeveless dress, the memories of the days before Rafael - the ones that almost broke you beyond repair.

Shaking your head, you focused on the bouquet Amanda was handing you and turned your attention back to Olivia, “You tell him that if he even dares to answer a single work related text, call, or email today, there will be no consummation of the marriage for him.”

Amanda blushed lightly and Olivia laughed, nodding as she turned to leave the room, “Man, he just had to pick a feisty one.”

You laughed, taking Amanda’s hand and wandering out of the room, ready to line up and wait for the ceremony to start. You were marrying the love of your life, the person who made you whole, and even if he was late, you were still looking forward to every late night, every early morning, and every single fight.

Because he was the one who made your life worth living.

[violetspokenstories]

Untold story - Nirbhau, without fear

“ Nirbhau” is what my mother used to say to me in any difficult situation and i always tell myself that everything will be alright in the end. I was born on year 1978 in Alampur, Punjab India. Being the eldest daughter in my family with six siblings three being my own blood related and other 3 step siblings. I held a big responsibility in my family doing every house chores especially after my mother death , I  was  15 years old when my mother passed away. It  was one of the hardest time in my life, I remember crying for months and months in her remembrance and due to at reason I couldn’t complete my education because i needed to support my family and look after my siblings.  However, I still have strong desire to read and write English. My father remarried in 1993, my stepmother treated me like her own daughter although I miss my mother everyday but my stepmother never treated me less than her.

Marriage

I was 20 years old when I first saw my husband Amar Singh. He came to my house with the proposal of marriage, we both were very shy to initiate any conversation that time because both our families were there and although it was an arranged marriage we both were very attracted to each other. I only saw him three times before i officially married him but I felt like he is the one already.At the first sight, i thought he was aloof. He looked very macho with big physique but later on he had a very flirtatious personality which lured me. Coming from a very strict punjabi family we weren't allowed to meet each other that often.

We fell in love after our marriage, he treated me like a queen and never made me feel unlovable. We settled down in Faridkot Punjab and my first son was born in 1998 September we named him Gaurav Singh. When i had my first child, everyone was very happy and delighted especially my brother-in-law and mother in law since he was the first son ever born in my in-laws family.  Gaurav is loved by everyone, he is a very quiet and obedient son. He listens to me the most and although all my children are equal I always feel like he has more pressure and responsibility than my other child's so, I feel a bit pitiful for him. My second child was born in 2000, Amrit Singh. He is the naughtiest kid of them all and especially adored by my husband. The whole house was filled with tricks and mischief veness by him and would simply hide behind husband back afterwards. My husband and my second son had the bond like Batman and Robin hood partner. One time Amrit pulled a prank on my mother-in law but at that time he couldn’t hide behind my husband because my husband is also scared of my mother-in law. My last child was born in 2002, Jaskaran Preet Singh, he is the most hardworking and studious son and took care of me the most. I lived the happiest days of my life with my loving husband and my three sons as a housewife I looked after my kids my entire marriage life while my husband worked. Then one day a my friend of mine came to my house to  discuss some work in Hong Kong and invited me to work there. Coming from a poor family with  all three sons studying and  with my husband being the only breadwinner it was hard  to meet the end costs. Therefore,  I was interested in the work and after discussion i decided to take in the offer and with the help of my husband i started preparing to work as a domestic worker in Hong Kong. Then my visa application was completed and i came to Delhi through bus and flew to Hong Kong.

Turning point of my life

My employer husband came to pick me up at the airport on 13th March 2016 and dismissed in 15th May,2016 , he was really nice as he treated me as his own sister. It was 9 in the morning when i arrived in my workplace and they told me to rest on the first day. Although i was homesick but i tried to pull myself together to work hard and support my family. Everything was going okay and until i asked for my salary. My employer Sumani Kaur would tell me she would pay me after 6 months of working. During the whole 2 months of working for her family she didn't give me any rest day and without my consent she said she send $10000 rupees to my family back in India through Western Union which later convert to $1,200 HKD and my family received this amount two times. So i had no income throughout work there. Whenever i asked about my full salary, she starts getting violent and act rigorously and physically hit me. She assaulted me twice, one in my foot with a stone and another punch in abdomen area but i didn’t attacked back. I told myself if i work hard for my family and then i can go through 2 years and earn some money for my family however I told my family about this matter of abuse. One day she send me to her sister's place to work and while taking care of the younger kid i forgot a small bag which had tissues and bottles in the bus. When i came back to my employer home she shouted at me before going to work and asked me to leave the house before she comes back. As she required me leave i left the house and stayed with Minnie a  friend in Tin shui wai which i knew her because we are from the same village.

Afterwards, my employer allegedly told my husband back in India that i am living with a characterless girl and brainwashed him with lies that i also have a boyfriend here and started spreading this absurd rumours about me to the whole village. My whole life was torn apart when own my husband started getting suspicious of me and stopped talking to me.

My whole life was shattered into pieces as he was far away from me and it killed my emotions everyday as he refused to talked to me, we ourselves remained silent. This started when I filed a case complaint against my employer with the help of Leo and Minnie. Minnie knew about my situation back in India and later on she used me. I thought Minnie was my friend until then i realized she was a selfish person who only lend her help because she borrowed money from my husband and only helped me as an act and didn’t pay back the money. There is only one thing i am grateful for Minnie, that is meeting Leo and Nami. Leo helped me to find a  shelter and lodge a case against my ex employer. 

I stopped staying with Minnie after a year and with the help of Leo, I met Nami. I was relieved she could understand my language and communicate well, after knowing my interest in English she taught me basic English and showed me the way to labour court, immigration and shelter and how to travel around Hong Kong. She is like a daughter i always wished to have, Leo and Nami is like my saviour whom I am very much thankful for and with Leo and Nami’s help, we proceed the criminal case as well as labour case. In Hong Kong, I couldn’t trust anyone but these two reminded me that there are good people too.

I had to stay in Hong Kong due to the case process but situation back in India was getting worse every day as my employer's father-in-law lives nearby my house in India started to threaten my husband and my family to kill them if i did not return back the case against his son and daughter in-law. As of my information, he came to my house 3 times in India to verbally threaten to kill him and also threatened me to kill me if i come back in India sooner or later. Things got worse and my husband's health was getting poor everyday due to this issue and started getting stress and soon he was found dead.

In that moment everything changed, i still get flashbacks of that moment and it still shatters my soul. My husband was found dead on 9th March 2017 at 7 a.m India time zone, he was found near the river area. On that day, i became a widow with backlash of characterless name attached to me. Everyone blamed me for his death even my own three son stopped talking to me. My husband brother reported to the police about my husband’s death but the police didn't investigate the case thoroughly and just said it was a natural death. But i can vow, my ex employer had something to do with it as they threatened to kill him several times and came with weapons but nothing came out as in India bribery is very common i still don't believe in the police. On my husband’s grave memorial some random person asked  one of my neighbour if i am in India yet and he is looking for me and asked him to contact him immediately if i do so. As my case was still pending i couldn't come to India even in my husband’s death. God has given me such fate that I couldn’t meet him even in his last breathe, perhaps i will meet him after death. 

 My youngest son informed me that it is dangerous to come back to India at that moment i felt a sense of danger for myself and my family because i already had a doubt on my husband death because before his death, he was last seen at 3 am drinking with my sons then my husband left home at 4 am the he meet a women nearby on 5 am on the streets in normal state but his body was found dead on 7 am along the river side. I had a sense of realization that i cannot lose this fight against my employer and  if i die no one  will feed my kids and who will take care of them. As a mother i feel restless everyday in worry of my children are safety. My ex employer kept spreading false rumours that i have a relationship with another man in Hong Kong and that caused my relationship with my in laws is in a very bad state and they hate me now because they think i was the reason my husband died but only I know how much of sorrow i have been through. Even my own three sons don't talk to me properly anymore, only my youngest son talks to me. All these worries made me worried and not return back to India because i know my life and my children’s life is in danger however i want to live happily with my sons over here in Hong Kong and settle here. Currently my eldest son is looking after my other 2 sons in India now and i am here in Hong Kong still ongoing in the process of case to fight against my ex employer. I miss my husband everyday and if i could return back in time i would’ve never come to work in Hong Kong but i will fight and i am determined to win against the ones who did my family and me wrong. I believe god is looking after everyone and everyone has to pay for their sins one day. This is my life story and how it turned out to be this way. Thank you to everyone who has ever helped me in this journey and will continue to support me.

[te-amo-ergo-amo]

How Did I Let This Happen.

Overall things started out great, things were just easy. It flowed like water and I had never felt this way about another person. I was deeply and fully in love. I cant lie, it was terrifying to open myself up to another person like that but it felt right and i trusted him with my life, my heart and my soul. Even throughout the years i can say without any doubt that there were some amazing times and I wouldn’t give them up for the world.I can’t say that it started recently or even immediately. It did start in short bursts soon after the beginning. 
Making fun of me to others- specifically other women that he dated or was “interested” in. 
Telling me i was overreacting or being too sensitive, responding and talking to me in condescending tones(which honestly he does to everyone,) and blaming me for pretty much everything. Then we got pregnant and financially we couldn’t do it- we made probably one of the hardest decisions in our lives to terminate. That was costly on all sides- it put me a bit deeper with my depression. It may have made him angrier… I’m not sure- I know he was sad but we haven’t really spoken of it. 
He made some promises to help me out while I heal- those were empty. I should have realized then but I was in love. I thought we were in love and honestly all of the good things far out weighed that. Actually I would still say the same thing now. However, at that point he just got meaner.
Everything is always things that I have done, or my issues that I can’t work out, I’m being ridiculous. That was January. A few months later he would have his first manic episode. That morning he had screamed in my face about getting in his way(he was staring at the iced tea mix) and shoved me and told me to get out and not come back. 
This is the first and last time he ever touched me as even I knew- something was very wrong. I stayed, he was in the hospital, then his parents house and then back home in what was pretty much a chemical straight jacket. It was awful and I haven’t a clue how it was for him but it was definitely and obviously worse. He had his moments but overall we could talk things out now as we made the decision that if we were getting defensive then we stop- if it’s important we would come back to it later. This actually worked out quite well most of the time for many years. I moved in. A few months later he proposed- something I was not entirely expecting but I was so in love and could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. It was one of the happiest days of my life. 
However, he started leaving the house randomly and after I had had enough and asked about it- “I’m out fucking prettier women” my heart sank. I figured this was just the ending part of his episode and he didn’t mean it and hopefully it would stop- hopefully he was using protection or maybe it wasn’t true at all. Then he stopped seeing his doctor and soon after stopped taking his meds. To where we go back to him talking inappropriately about me to others. He started getting annoyed with me often and so on. It was not entirely a fun time had by me.
He lost his job at the end of the year. Yet he was still making more than me with his unemployment which he found amusing. Kind of funny/kind of sad. I tried to make jokes about it as well but I felt like a failure- I mean I loooved my job but the pay was crap. I had some serious goals though through them and honestly speaking they would have been attainable. 
A few months later he had his second and so far last manic episode. He was committed and his last comment to me before going in after I agreed that he should stay and that I was sorry- “you’re gonna be sorry” 
Can’t say he was wrong.
Regardless, they found meds that worked for him and he found a great doctor. He never was into therapy as he “had nothing to say.” Then the sleeping around started going on again. Coming home smelling of other women, nail marks on his back… i cant even say that this time it may not have been real. Again, I stayed and said nothing- to any one. 
Things were kind of getting back to normal, he had some freelance work and that became reasonably steady for a while. We got married in July and honestly that was the best day of my life… minus our first kiss. Not sure how I failed to mention that one. That kiss was beyond amazing. It’s like the kiss that books and movies talk about. Where you feel like they are kissing you as though you are the only good thing in the world/ that you have all the good air. We share the same feeling about that kiss.
Damn though- I will always remember that, I would go back to that moment in time in a heartbeat. 
Things were good. We had our ups and downs like most. He was getting more depressed about not having full time work. The freelance was still coming though. We had great holidays and other memories fill in the rest of the times. Every once in a while he would have a moment where I would do something wrong and “just keep doing these things to set him off, didn’t I care what I was doing” and he started an online thing with someone I knew - and she was ok with it. He even started to make plans to go see her. I lost it. I gave him an ultimatum which isn’t something I would do but I did and it was over. 
We continued our life together he would have a moment every now and then but I either brushed it off or walked away and cried on my own. On occasion he would apologize yet somehow turn it around to make it me feel bad about it. Obviously I would forgive him. Love. 
We had a big wedding the year after for family and friends. It snowed and he was by far the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. My husband is a hottie and I do adore him.
That following year was a big struggle for us, financially, emotionally and physically. I was applying for other jobs and second jobs that just wouldn’t pull through. He was having a hard time finding freelance work and finding something full time seemed impossible. He got more depressed, we both gained weight. I would cry after he fell asleep as I didn’t want him to know how much it was effecting me as I was trying to be strong for the two of us. 
In November we decided that he would start applying elsewhere- out of state. A few seemed like great matches but there would be some snag and then early within the new year he found a contract in Austin that he was stoked about. 
I have always been able to take care of myself financially, yes there have been some hard times but my credit was awesome and my bills were always paid and on time. 
I would not have a full time job when I got down there. This scared the hell out of me. He told me not to worry about it and that he would take care of me. I’m not sure how or why I agreed to this- yes we were married but I don’t know. I think I’ve always just had money things thrown in my face and was nervous of that happening again.
He stayed with some of our friends and loved his position, I stayed back to fix up the house so we could sell it and to pack everything up. I was so happy for him.
It was lonely as hell and part of me was a bit aggravated that I was left behind which honestly made zero sense. Then my anxiety started to kick- what if he felt lonely? What if he turned to someone else? Then the thing I dreaded hearing “he felt neglected” I was trying to finish up everything and I was still working and at night- I would drink myself to sleep. 
I offered him a free pass- open the marriage. I trusted him to tell me the truth and to be completely honest. 
I started losing weight but still felt disgusting, so he would want to skype and my brain was just like “do you really want him to see you like this?” Any time he called or text i was afraid that he would tell me to just stay in Philly, that he no longer wanted me. The joys of depression and anxiety sabotaging your life.Then I was finally able to move down to him. My anxiety was crap and I was using my phone as a crutch. All things that made him feel alone even with me there. I would stop for a bit but then he would say how I was failing at something else and I would go back. I ended up saying I went in some dates just to leave the house so I wouldn’t feel like I was failing more- that was the wrong thing to do even though I was “pestering him, being annoying, being too negative and always triggering him”
Thinking about it, I really didn’t go out much in Philly because of that and I felt bad/guilty because he was out of work and depressed. He’s my husband and we’re a team and I needed to be there for him.
So the open marriage- my worst idea in history. We had rules to be open and completely honest, no overnights, condoms were mandatory no matter what, no one on one stuff and a few others that honestly I cannot remember. 
He hopped onto sites immediately- I didn’t until I moved down here. The first person who I decided sure let’s get this over with and see how it goes was a disaster. It was embarrassing and I lied about it twice. I had changed my mind and the guy was not into that, fortunately he was so excited by that he came before he was even near me let alone in me. He decided to go for a second try and my brain finally clicked and the shock wore off enough to get him the fuck out of my home. What do you tell your husband? Would he believe you- I mean I would hope so. I felt shameful. 
I should have told him the whole thing and ended everything right there but I didn’t and that was stupid and inconsiderate. I will regret that along with many other things for the rest of my life. 
Ended up going on a few dates and we mainly had people together. Apparently because I was talking to more people he was upset( yet said if it was the other way around it wouldn’t have been an issue for him) he wanted to close the open marriage but honestly I was afraid that he wouldn’t stop and continue behind my back- awful of me and obviously with that we should have stopped it. Yet again my fail. It continued he found a girlfriend he begged to stop but I didn’t see that happening with her. He had been making fun of me and humiliated me in front of her and with her. I was sort of seeing someone and talking with someone else but I just wasn’t there. 
However, slowly he started taking away the rules and went away with her, was ok with him doing overnights. Then he stopped using condoms(“because they kept on breaking”) and he started lying and saying awful things about me to her. He bought her a necklace that matched my engagement ring- that hurt, still hurts because of what it is. My depression and anxiety got worse and I found out he gave me three cancer causing strains of hpv. “He did this to get my attention so I would stop fucking other people and get back at me because this was all my fault.” I found out because i went through their messages, i am NOT proud of this. I still feel like shit because of it. I just felt off and I apparently was right to. My question is - how was he doing this to get my attention if he was doing it behind my back? He says he would have told me but thinking about it now… that sounds off.
I ended things on my side, i was still hanging out as friends with one of the guys i had dated but that’s it. About a month later I said I wanted to end it, he agreed and broke up with Amy about a month or so later. For someone who was so eager to end this, why did it take hi so long to end it on his side? Was he just trying to get back at me? Obviously i just thought the worst- I’m an idiot. 
During that time he got upset with me a few times- enough so that I left the house and he told me not to come back. 
Yet, then he would say he overreacted and I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he can’t live without me and there was nothing i could do to make him leave me. 
He had a major rage moment in August that started with him wanting to quit his job because they weren’t listening and it was so stressful(it was awful to watch and I felt terrible for him and honestly he was right) after I helped to fix it(by talking to his coworker/friend) he was good for a week then the atomic blast landed in my lap- because “I’m a selfish fucking bitch and I’ve changed and he doesn’t like the way I love him” add in all of the past things that he will always and forever bring up when he is mad and I was back at Our friend’s house for a few days- the whole thing lasted about a week and was the longest rage moment towards me that we have been through. I ended up getting a crap job to make him happy and help out more. I should have done this instead of watching my nephew but he told me not to- I should have done it anyway.
He had a moment in November and canceled thanksgiving that we were preparing for everyone, a day later he ended up changing his mind and apologizing.
At this time I am now weaning off of my old depression medication, which is terrible timing. So we have thanksgiving night- his friend who I thought didn’t like me as he only talks to her when he’s mad at me used the n-bomb in my home… I used a flat stern tone and told her by no means is that ok and she wasn’t to use it here again- I didn’t want an explanation just don’t say it. 
Because of that “she could no longer be friends with him because of me” 
He didn’t talk to me for the entire weekend. I had passed out in the bathroom and was there for hours, I suppose he didn’t hear me fall but waking and realizing I was alone and … well yeah that. 
When he finally started talking to me he said he was sad to lose his “only” friend here but he would pick me because I’m his wife. The following day he realized none of it was my fault. - My brain is still hurt from him having to decide whether to pick me over someone he has only known for a year. I honestly think that is a crap friend. My opinion and I would feel the same if it was a guy or girl. He keeps saying she is gay and now married so I have nothing to worry about. I was never “worried” I just thought/think she’s toxic. Perhaps I’m wrong and because of what he has told her that is why? In which case, she does deserve a second chance and if she means that much to him as a friend then i need to give he the benefit of the doubt.
December- I do something else to upset him because “I will never learn and don’t want to change because I don’t care” He cancels Christmas and while I’m at work throws all of my belongings into the guest room along with a note that said I’ve ruined his life. I’m back at our friend’s house again. I still have pictures I wish I never took them so maybe I could forget. 
The next day he texts me we talk about everything and he puts everything back before I got home. I’m once again the greatest thing in his life and I just need to be careful not to trigger him. 
Things were good until he went to Cambridge for work- I used the card he told me to to pay for some things and became the worst human in earth and left him with no money. As after i had already used the card and told him, he found out that’s his company didn’t not set up the hotel correctly and he needed to pay out of pocket but they didn’t take the credit card that he brought. I transferred money into the account to fix it but he was still livid- he apologized the next day and said he was sorry for being an asshole- he’s just stressed.(stressed is a serious understatement as he busts his ass every damn day. Work, school freelance- to make our life better. So I feel incredibly fucking awful when I set him off and I certainly don’t do it on purpose- who would)
We were good/great for a bit longer until he went to Lisbon in March. He was on his way home and I wasn’t feeling well(later finding out because I had forgotten to take my meds) So the other guy came out and I left the house before he even got home which made him angrier. 
We talked and he finally realized that “we” have both been walking on eggshells and not communicating like we use to. - We did communicate well in Philly even with his moments, he was more willing to hear me out after and have a rational conversation. 
He started mentioning the other guy more and has now told me his name. I’m glad that he feels comfortable and safe enough to do so- in which case I will leave it at that.
We were good until this month where the rage moment lasted over a week and he threatened to divorce me again. He thinks I have tried to sabotage him to his doctor which is very much NOT true and something I would never do. His parents don’t believe me- why would they, he is so convincing that even I normally believe that I am an awful human being. He wanted to just sell the house and split whatever was left, as long as I wasn’t greedy with what I wanted from the house he wouldn’t get lawyers involved.
He got upset a bit over a week ago because I came home excited from class and he was in the office with the door closed talking quietly. I knocked- a few moments later he opened the door annoyed- his coworker from England was on a video Skype ��talking about work” 
I thought he was doing school work so I asked who it was as she was glaring at me. Apparently my tone was bad and I have no right to ask such questions. As she smirked and rolled her eyes at me- no offense women do not do this to each other unless something is off. 
He wasn’t talking about work. I hate being lied to. But “she has a boyfriend and is across the ocean” so I have nothing to worry about. - He doesn’t work with he office door closed- he just started doing that that week. Not sure why as we don’t share an office anymore. Apparently it’s because I’m annoying and he wants to get away from me.
We had a huge long talk last night where once again everything is my fault and I’m selfish because I make it all about me and try to explain things and refuse to let him have feelings. 
So I’m not bringing up anything again. I told him I wouldn’t- but I’m losing my best friend and the guy I love has been treating me like garbage. Yet it’s my fault because I fucked up and never do anything right. He wants a divorce- yet changed it to just separating and him getting an apartment for a couple months to where he can go out with another woman if he wants- so he doesn’t feel alone. Do you know how that feels? To know as a wife you have failed or at least been told repeatedly that you fail- that you aren’t trying- that you don’t want to try. Yet if someone isn’t willing to forgive you even though they said they did- is that not setting you up to fail? **So I have come to find out that he’s been cheating on me for months, possibly since March if not earlier? They had a plan set to have her come to the city and he had a hotel. He wanted to see if it was a real connection…I want to die. tbc-