#still SO proud with how the icon/bust turned out it kinda fucks

[stoatsaturday]

BITING YOU BITING YOU BITING YOU

[we-always-hit-our-ass]

First Date HCs With David Webster

warnings: meh some cursing but nothing major, it’s also very long I’m sorry- but the rest is just fluff, so eeee I hope you all like them! <333

words: 1.6k (ajsajhk i got carried away on these headcanons, i couldn’t help myself)

Taglist: @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi,@noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @gutsandgloryhere​, @hihosilvers, @rayleighshughes, @floydtab, @wexhappyxfew, @sherlollydramoine, @meganthesunflower, @3milesup​, @jamie506101​, @sunflowerchuck​, @softlieb​, @k-websters​, @punkgeekchic​, @speirs-crazy-ass​, @hellitwasyoufirstsergeant​, @stressedinadress​

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First Date Headcanons with David Webster

So you see, of course our favorite Harvard boy will take you to the fucking aquarium (Cliche and obvious? Yes. But like where else, I mean seriously??)

When you first got together the first thing he promised you was an aquarium date, and well looky here, he fulfilled that promise.

Ok, so y’all pull up to the building and you can see waves of literal euphoria coming out of him. He’s just so adorable and he has a little bit of pep in his step when walking towards the entrance. 

And then every time he walks, his poofy brown hair bounces up and down and the way the suns hits it is *chefs kiss*-

Even before you get to the entrance, your boyfriend is gushing about marine animals. They were short descriptions of a multitude of animals but they were so detailed and captivating, you couldn’t help but listen.

However, his voice was a bit distracting at times and you could find yourself zoning out while he talked. 

A look of awe is plastered on your hand and your hold on his hand tightens ever so slightly.

It’s safe to say that you learned more about ocean animals in those brief moments than you ever could from your years in school.

Y’all bust in the aquarium like the iconic couple you two are (I’m so proud of you) and boy oh boy is David cute as hell.

Here he is-- a grown ass man who went to Harvard and literally served in WW2-- looking like a child discovering a shiny rock. You love it-

David is indecisive as hell and he had no idea where to go. He turns over to look at you with those beautiful eyes of his and you can’t help but smile.

You two pull up those maps of the building and you two plan out the rest of your date. Your fingers trail over the paper, trying to figure out where to go first.

You two make up this intricate schedule and you knowingly look at each other when your eyes find where the shark exhibit was.

But at the beginning of your date Web held your hand as you two viewed various wildlife vibin in the water behind the glass.

You were in heaven when you saw how the water played so beautifully on the your boyfriend’s face. 

David was oblivious to how you stared at him in awe and you were oblivious to whenever he did the same to you.

You named a crab after Johnny and a particularly cute clownfish was named after Babe. You two had a heated discussion on who Winters was. 

(Y’all never settled on anything. Web thought he’d be a red snapper. You personally think he’d either be a blue marlin or a swordfish.)

He called you his angelfish and you hit him on the arm for being so cheesy. After that he said that you were a flame angelfish instead and you could only playfully roll your eyes at him.

Get prepared for literally a shit ton of fish trivia this boy will never shut up and he just wants to gush about it to you, it’s very wholesome and sweet actually.

He knows a lot because he either has a whole 100000 page book about the sea printed on his brain or something or because he has the literal ocean in his eyes.

Look I can’t tell at this point-

The two of you were going to every single exhibit this aquarium had to offer and there was no stopping you.

Sadly that intricate schedule is unceremoniously yeeted out the window because when you head over to the next place you're stopping at you two see something else you like and head there instead.

“(Y/N)! I thought we were seeing the penguins next-”

“But Web, the seals! Look at the seal exhibit!”

You’re gripping his arm and looking at him with your stunning face, how could he say no to you? 

So he lets an exaggerated sigh and nods his head as he tries to contain his grin.

You two went over to the seal exhibit instead kasjhd- Y’all still got to see the penguins, it’s all ight.

While gawking at the beautiful fish species you saw, Web seemed to know a heaping mount about a lotta of em. The facts he didn’t tell you earlier he says now and you’re just like “look at my smart Harvard boy go-”

The amount of times you wanted to just make a scrapbook that is dedicated to this day alone is nearly impossible to keep track of. The both of you wanted to cherish this aquarium date for all eternity.

Cause literally there’s this one moment where you’re looking over at tropical fish and Web was reading the description. Oh what would happen next-

As you’re admiring the way the small fishes swam gracefully Web legit goes on a rant on how they got some information on the Tiger Barb wrong.

This adorable idiot I- I can’t even at this point.

But Web holds you in his arms as he buries his face in your hair while looking at fish send tweet. 

He also wraps his arms around your waist and he rests his head on top of yours. He makes comments about some of the fish and you just sink into his embrace.

Also one thing you did keep from your schedule after not following it was visiting the petting pool after you two ate lunch.

When I say that you two nyoomed over to the petting pool area I mean y’all nyoomed-- Like full Speirs mode on-- because Jesus Christ this is an aquarium and David will obviously take you to the petting pool.

You two arrived there and my Lord you swore that David was holding back a squeal. The two of you immediately rolled up your sleeves and went over to dip your hands to touch the animals in the pool.

The look you gave Web when you touched a cownose ray-- it was precious. 

You also couldn’t hold your excitement as a few more smaller rays glided under the pads of your fingertips.

Then there were the horseshoe crabs and yknow those tiny fish that like swarm your hand and tickle you, yeah those too.

Y’all also chill it out and get to wash the jellyfish. The way the room was dark gave it a whole nother vibe, my loves. 

Like in  that jellyfish room, you two will most definitely just hold each other while gazing at the glass.

Bro, in the dim room, he’ll just pull you close and place a chaste kiss on your forehead and lips.

The bioluminescence of the jellyfish illuminates Webster’s face, making his features appear more sharp. Simping time commence, you two are a fine af couple.

Now time for the real kicker- It’s shark time

After dragging your ass to almost all of the other exhibits in the aquarium, Webster saved the shark exhibits near the end of the date.

Ohoho, was this boy eUPHORIC-

David is gripping your hand tightly and he’s constantly sending you smiles as you two walk closer to the entrance of the shark exhibit.

This is where Webster ascends out of his body, this is the second time he has (first time was when he met you and started dating). 

You share his happiness and the utter vibes comin off from your boyfriend makes you so soft and full of glee.

Yknow his constant face when his eyes are focused on something and his mouth is just slightly parted? Well that is his face most of the time during your time there.

M o r e   f a c t s.

Webster did write a wholeass book about them, what did you expect?

The utter passion and fascination in his voice really stands out whenever he talks about these beautiful babies- 

Like sure, David sounds happy when he talks about other sea animals, but with sharks? Whole nother level. 

It’s one of his biggest quirks and my goodness do you just stand there taking in all his facts as he goes on a tangent about different types of shark species.

The light in his eyes as they trail over as they trail over a sand shark swimming by. He’ll also just stare at a leopard shark while smiling because he loves them.

After leaving the shark exhibit after spending 1 hour in there with your boyfriend, you two decide to go home- But first, y’all buying some things from the giftshop. 

Webster will spoil you and will buy you anything you want in the aquarium gift shop.

Wallets beware, you’d also do the same for him.

There was this jellyfish theme hat you saw and you made David try it on- He looked so fucking stupid but like a cute kinda stupid.

You regret not buying it when you had the chance-

However- You two got shark plushies together. You got a tiger shark plushy and he gots a hammerhead. 

You two absolutely love them and you could’ve sworn you could’ve just burst from happiness when he showed you the tiger shark plush he got for you.

You two also bought those chonky seal plushies because I mean... I mEAN- Just look at em, they’re stunning of course you and Web had to get em.

With a day well spent with your boyfriend you just wanted nothing more but to lay with David on your bed as you run your fingers through your hair.

So you two leave the aquarium building smiling and laughing. Webster leans in a gives you another soft kiss on your lips and you let out a giggle. 

The two of you are noticeably happier, and you two head back to the car. The date ends with your hand in his and your four new plushies in tow.

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a/n: it’s been so long since I posted a fic or writing of any kind. unfortunately, i’ll have to put a hold on my pt 2 for the roe fic i made and im procrastinating by writing hcs kasjadjk. i decided to make these for some of the lovely people in my discord server. i hope y’all enjoyed these hcs with web!

i love you all very much, stay safe and i send yall another round of my good vibes 😩💕💕

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E3 (Acafellas)

“I’m excited to watch this one, only because I remember actually really liking the Acafellas covers? Let’s see how hard I cringe now!

I’d have to guzzle wine if I had to have dinner with Terri too, Will’s mom...

“Oh it’s just hamburger casserole! Look out for bones.” Lucky for you she likes her casserole boneful!

Sign #8 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Deciding to announce Terri’s pregnancy to his parents WELL before the 12 week standard, without asking her first. He literally springs it on her. Yeah she’s awful, but so is he right now!

“I started at Zuckerman and Zuckerman while I was in college” Alternate timeline where Lauren Zises and Puck start a business together confirmed?

Is it mean of me to be distracted by how HUGE Will’s dad’s ears are...?

Theme of the day: Placating William Schuester’s ego

Quinn calling Rachel “sweetie” even though it’s dripping with sarcasm just makes my Faberry bones jingle

The way Quinn says “Did you ever perform Mr Schuester?” is a god damn SMACK! DOWN! 

Emma roasting John Stamos, who will be her husband in about a season’s time, is golden

Will spends too much time in Emma’s office. Aren’t the students meant to have appointments? There’s no way there’s a single school in the world where the counselling service isn’t totally overwhelmed with a mile long waiting list

The “For he’s a jolly good fellow” scene is me and my sister every time we hang out

Will turning into the camera to kick off “THIS IS HOW WE DO IT” is one of the better transitions on this show, honestly

This is one of the few occasions I actually like Matt Morrison’s delivery a lot. He genuinely sounds like he has no idea how awkward this group would be to watch...

Ahh... Nothing squicks me out quite like the face of William Schuester when he knows he’s about to get some coochie

Sign #9 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Rachel and Quinn tell him his dance moves are old fashioned, and he starts being completely absent in rehearsals... Very professional of you William

The way he says “whatever” to Rachel makes me want to throw him into a bonfire

“Do you see anybody else in here with a plate of ‘I’m sorry’ cookies? BOOM! Smack DOWN!

Again, Finn just straight up not knowing what anything is is making my god damn day

Of COURSE she’s still upset Finn, you bozo! YOU PULLED A KISS-NUT-RUN!

How Many Times Can We Fit The Word Guts Into One Episode Challenge

Quinn and Santana are filling Sue in, but Brittany’s missing. I like to think she’s lost.

Wow for a while I forgot Santana and Puck were ever a thing... Can I re-forget it?

How can Mercedes look at Kurt in THAT jacket and think “yeah, that’s a heterosexual right there” I just. I can’t

Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody? Kurt: Yes. If by someone you mean the tender crook of my eLbOw... I’ve never wanted to be an elbow before wow!

Kurt and Mercedes reminding one another that they’re the best people within a 100 mile radius? Perfect.

“Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion” is a GREAT philosophy until you’re me and have about as much style as a dumpster raccoon

POISON! I hate that I actually like this cover...

You ready Ken? I’m ready. You ready Oooooonrie? I’m ready Will, are you?  Like, just pull the plug RIB

I can’t complain about how supportive Will’s parents are tbh it’s kinda wholesome?

Why was Figgins at this random acapella show...? Nice of him to show up anyway

“Is it too late to call Will Schuester the next Micheal Buble?” YES. Don’t sully the name of Mr Christmas himself

Oh wow. They really dragged Josh Groban into this! I nearly forgot...

MERCEDES LOOKS CUTE AS HELL IN THOSE SUSPENDERS!!! AND TINA’S WEARING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SHIRT??? GIRLS!!!

Ah, the form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee... Where would we be without them? Well, idk, if Burt Hummel was in charge apparently we’d all have nice cars

Kurt bb you have no idea you’re being asked out do you??? Bless your heart. Also poor Mercedes, she thinks he said yes...

I’m sorry, but NO car wash is going to raise you $8000. I don’t care if you’re washing those cars with caviar, it’s just not gonna happen!

Sign #10 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Henri ends up in the ER because he’s been chugging cough syrup like it’s Redbull and all he cares about is not being able to twerk for Josh Groban :/

Imagine seeing an ad for the Acafellas on fucking craigslist. Sign up now, feet pics optional!

Sign #11 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Belittles Finn for wanting to quit glee, while completely ignoring and neglecting glee.

Imagine your high school Spanish teacher holding you back after class to ask you to join his acapella band ._.

Puck join glee for MILFs and ONLY for MILFs. That’s all he wanted

Santana told Puck she ended it over his credit score but really it was all the heterosexuality

Oh god for a second I thought the first cougar was Santana’s mother I nearly flipped

“I also stopped beating people up so much” is ICONIC

Hey Ken! Maybe stop grabbing your student like that? Thanks! fuckhead

“My BOWELS have better moves than you” God damn it. I want to hate Puck, and I think we all know why, but... I love this character. 

ThAt BaSeBaLl ThInG sUrE wAs GoOd Mr ScHuE!

I know this isn’t the point of this scene, but I NEED to see Kurt just walking around school in a corset. Just chilling in his lessons like that? Icon.

Mercedes asking Kurt to be her boyfriend is PAINFUL but also I fucking love her confidence? She knows what she wants! It’s just a shame she vandalises his car right after :/ 

Kurt’s FACE when Mercedes says “Rachel?!” He can’t believe he lucked out like that oh my goodness

SHE SMASHED THE WINDOW. HIS FACE OH MY GOD. Why are all the half-naked Cheerios polishing the busted car now 

Amber busts some MOVES for this number... She kills it. I mean, don’t smash cars up kids, but if you do make sure you know your choreography for after!

It must’ve been so much fun to smash up that car for the dance oh my goodness. Did they have to shoot that in one take? Or did they just have a line of Navigators out back? RIB will never wear form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee ever again...

“Well you busted my heart!” Ok Mercedes but like... He didn’t put a fucking ROCK through it he just doesn’t know what dates are???

Mercedes sticks up for Artie, and then Kurt sticks up for them both when Dakota Stanley starts being a bitch... They’re wonderful friends! So proud of them

Ok he’s a little gremlin man but “I feel like a WOODLAND CREATURE!” is still something I quote

I know Rachel’s nose is a recurring thing but... It’s not a bad nose? Like, at all? It suits her perfectly, and it’s not noticeably large?

Will you really don’t need to be that close to fix Finn’s tie. In fact, you don’t need to fix it at all?

I know you’re not gonna sing THAT song!

They did NOT pay Josh Groban enough for any of this. Especially not “Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic”

“I’m a teacher... And a really good one” Are you, Mr Schue? Are you?

The look on Kurt’s face when he comes out to Mercedes... You can see the panic there. His eyes. Oh god. And then she ACCEPTS HIM because HE’S WONDERFUL THE WAY HE IS and she’s a GOOD FRIEND!!! Oh god he’s tearing up I’m going to cry...

Although I’m not 100% in love with the way she implies that telling everybody in the glee club is as simple as being true to himself. He’s not ashamed, Mercedes, he’s terrified... Although I know her heart is in the right place. She just wants him to know they’ll accept him at the end of the day!

He’s crying... My baby boy...

Sue permanently has old Cheerios footage playing on the TV in her office, because of course she does!

Quinn can say Sue taught her that lesson, but we all know she learned it from Rachel. With whom she is in love, of course.

Ahh, the first real Faberry moment... Delicious. Finally, some good fucking food!

[storm-driver]

Oh boy, you wanna know? It’s gonna be a lengthy one, but I’ll do my best to make it entertaining, heh

Under the cut because L O N G P O S T

So first things first, it’s best if you know how old I am. As of March 2019, I am 17-years old, and I’ll be 18 by the end of Summer. Kingdom Hearts 1 came out just 7 months after I was born, so I wasn’t into it from the very beginning. 

Right around 2009, I found myself getting a PS2 from one of our neighbors because they were buying a PS3. And among the games they gave us with the PS2, Kingdom Hearts 1 was in that batch. My sister played through and completed the whole game, but little 8-year old me couldn’t get past the Chameleon boss in Deep Jungle. So I put the game down for a year or so, never thinking about it since. I went back to finish the game, got stuck on the legendary ‘THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE TAKING KAIRI’S HEART’ boss fight, and I eventually beat the game! Go me!

I got a Nintendo DS and my sister bought me Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days for the DS because she realized I actually liked Kingdom Hearts. However, I hadn’t played KH2, nor did I retain too much of the information from KH1. My sister got KH2 for the PS2 a few months prior and assumed that the other save file was mine. Turns out she just accidentally saved twice >.<

So I played through 358 until I got stuck on one of the ridiculous bosses, I think it was Leechgrave? And I didn’t retain any of the plot, so I kinda just forgot it. Then... I actually played KH2. 

And I had SO much fun! I played on Beginner because I was 9-10-years old and I needed to if I ever wanted the hope of beating it. And around that time, Re:coded came out. So once I beat KH2, my sister bought me Re:coded and I played that... before getting stuck on a boss again. I can’t remember which one though, heh. 

I eventually went back to beat 358, did so, cried a lot because Roxas was immediately established as my favourite, and by then I was maybe 11-years old. Dream Drop Distance for the 3DS came out and I had become invested in the games at that point. So I was about to start watching the cutscenes for 3D... when I realized I was missing something... 

I never played Birth by Sleep.

I had seen a few of the cut scenes out of BBS by that point, but I didn’t actually know who the characters were. Surprisingly enough, when I saw Ventus for the first time, I didn’t associate him with Roxas at all. I don’t think I even processed that they looked the same. To me, it was just Ventus. Maybe that’s why I can see their nuances so well, I don’t know. Anyways, I went and watched all the cutscenes for Birth by Sleep, lost my fucking mind because OH THAT’S WHY ROXAS- OHHHHH and then I went to watch 3D. 

And lemme just say, by that point, it was all over. This game was now apart of my life. You could tell ‘cause suddenly all the references to Ventus in all of the games clicked for me and I WAS LOSING IT so much. I love that kinda stuff, I dunno why, but I doooo. 

And then the year after... 2013.... y’all know what happened. KH3 was FINALLY announced to be in REAL development, even if it was development Hell. I remember watching the livestream for the first ever KH3 trailer as it was happening and I was crying. Lil’ 12-year old Storm Driver sitting at their father’s cracked and broken laptop, crying over one minute of pre-rendered game footage. It was real. I was going to play KH3. 

So then the next few years were me establishing my love for the series. Right around when I turned 12 was when I’d actually been introduced to social media. I’d played games like Toontown and stuff on the computer, but I’d never used Instagram or anything before... I actually pride myself over still having my first ever IG account. I think I made it after the first KH3 trailer came out. Interesting. 

I managed to get one of my at-the-time close friends into the game, and they let me borrow their 3DS so I could play Dream Drop myself! But we had a falling out the next year and we didn’t talk or communicate that whole time. Fun little anecdote, the name “Storm Driver.” I chose that name after I’d played 3D because it was the name of the track for one of my favourite songs. Except... the name was mistranslated. It’s supposed to be “Storm Diver.” But in pure spite, I kept it as it is today. 

And that was how that friend of mine contacted me again, years later! They found my Tumblr and realized I was the same Storm Driver from the years prior and we reconciled and made up over what had happened. We still don’t talk much, just having each other added on Snapchat. But I’m happy that they reached out to me. 

Years passed and my love for KH didn’t die, but it did settle a bit. It spiked again in 2015, when the gameplay trailers were finally being released. But nothing really dragged me back towards it. Until 2017. The orchestra tour...

OH FUCK MAN, I WENT WILD. I fucking lost it. I did not calm down, for three or four whole months, this exact Tumblr blog was busting out frickin’ KH posts and all the like. And it has not stopped at all. ‘Cause soon after that, 0.2 was confirmed and released and I was losing my god damn mind over it all. I was so hyped for KH3, words cannot properly describe. During those months, I came to meet some mutuals on Tumblr that I now consider very close friends. Even if we’ve never met, I still feel a lot of joy just seeing their names and icons pop up in my notifications feed.

I started playing KHUX after the orchestra tour trailer came out. I used to pride myself over having (at the time) ridiculously strong medals that pushed me forward through a lot of the Proud Mode content without spending a single dime on the game. But of course, those medals are outdated now. My KHUX character is probably just average at this point. But that’s okay. I don’t really play it anymore, heh.

And in the months leading up to KH3, I just did my best to stay relatively calm. I joined a few Discord servers for KH, but I found myself feeling out of place. I started getting interested in other things, and with no one to talk to over those things, i started to talk in the KH servers. I was asked not to and it eventually led to me go and create my own server. It was initially a Voltron server, but as VLD has ended, I changed it to be a community server, where people who just wanna talk can talk. It’s a “private” server at the moment, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and my two friends who moderate it. I’ve opened it a few times, to help get some more people in who just wanna hang out. 

My experience with Kingdom Hearts took a weird turn when KH3 was around the corner though. Someone kept making one-day accounts on Tumblr and DMing me the leaks of the game, including the ending. Lucky me, I hadn’t seen a whole lot of the plot-related stuff. But my impulse control is weak and I’d click the links just from the sight of them. So I knew what would happen to Sora at the end of the game before I’d even seen the final boss. I didn’t know how Roxas ended up there in the ending and I was REALLY happy to see him and Ventus and Xion standing together in frame. So I guess it kinda hyped me up to see how the game handled him and his return.

At the end of it, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed KH and I will continue to, I’m sure. I’ve also played TWEWY for the DS, so I’m sure that the tie-ins it’ll have with the future of Kingdom Hearts are going to be amazing. This game latched onto me when I was an infant, and it’s been nine long and incredibly fun years so far. I’m happy that we’re not done yet ^^

[mogdaze-blog]

Midnight Rendezvous - Short Story for Halloween

It’s hard to make a good living as an actor. Unless you’re an A-lister, chances are you’ve probably got a second job on the side to make ends meet while you try to live out your dreams. That used to be me, too: a plucky little kid eager to take on any role he could get. I was more than willing to bust my ass in the meantime if it meant getting to do what I love, knowing that all the long hours and back-breaking work would be worth it in the end. When I got my big break.

Life has done a great job of beating that enthusiasm out of me since then.

Now, I’m a graphic designer. The work is interesting, don’t get me wrong, and it puts bread on the table, but it was never my real passion. Ever since I was a little kid, all I ever wanted to do was play pretend, and it’d been my greatest goal since then to do it professionally - even though I hadn’t scored a real acting job since the Nineties.

That’s why, when in mid-October I was contacted by my old agent, Sean Harrell, for the first time in a decade, I didn’t hesitate to pick up the phone.

“Travis! You son of a bitch, you!” He said in the cheerful, endearing way only a talent agent could get away with calling someone a son of a bitch, “shit, what’s it been, eight years? God, it’s crazy how time flies.”

“What do you want, Sean? I didn’t even know I still had you on retainer.”

“Once your agent, always your agent, baby,” he said with a laugh, “if you’re wondering why I’m so chipper, it’s because I just got handed a big, juicy opportunity for you, my man.”

The last alleged “big, juicy opportunity” Sean had gotten me was a commercial for breath spray running on a few major networks back in the day. I couldn’t get a date for a few weeks afterwards, thanks to my newfound reputation as “Man With Halitosis Number 3.” Sean was one gift horse who was occasionally filled with bloodthirsty Trojan soldiers, so I’d learned to look at his offers with a healthy sense of scepticism.

“What’s this big opportunity?”

“You’ve been offered a guest spot on a major talk show,” he said, giddy as a kid on Christmas morning, “I’ve been speaking to the reps all morning, they’re practically begging to have you on.”

I scoffed and shook my head, though I knew Sean couldn’t see it. Even when I was acting, it was cult stuff - B-movies and little indie films where the work was varied but the pay was crap; none of them ever broke out of the indie circuit and made it big. In short, it was all nothing that Conan O'Brien or Jimmy Fallon would give two shits about.

“What talk show is this?” I asked.

“Midnight Rendezvous, with Julie Forrester. It goes out live to a few million people every week.”

“Never heard of it.”

“That’s funny,” he said, “because the reps told me that if I mentioned the name, you’d know it immediately.”

“Well,” I said, feeling irritated, “I guess they’ve got the wrong guy. Why would they want me, anyway? I don’t even act anymore, it’s not like I’ve got anything to promote.”

“Apparently,” Sean said, speaking uncharacteristically slowly, as though trying to choose his words extra carefully, “don’t get mad, but they want to talk about The Red Weekend.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured you’d say that. They’re recording on the 31st.”

“Halloween? Oh, for fuck’s sakes, Sean. Could it get any tackier? Look, if they call again, tell them I don’t wanna talk about that stupid movie, and if that doesn’t get them to shut up, tell them they can take their offer, and shove it up their–”

“The pay, Travis. Let me tell you about the pay before you get all…heated.”

“What are they offering?” I grumbled.

“Fifteen thousand, for just a couple of hours on set. Still feeling crabby, Trav?”

Yes, I was, but I didn’t feel I could show it. Fifteen thousand for a few hours sitting on a couch in a studio, being asked questions about some stupid B-movie I starred in when I was in my twenties, seemed like a deal only a proud idiot would turn down. I may have been proud, perhaps unreasonably so, but I was no idiot.

“You sure these guys are legit?” I asked, not wanting to say yes right after hearing the number, “they’re not just gonna lure me out to some vacant lot, beat me over the head, and harvest my organs?”

Sean groaned into the phone. It was like we’d never stopped speaking. Truth be told, I’d missed the slimy bastard. At least he gave it all to you straight. When you spoke to Sean Harrell, you knew what you were in for.

“Look, Travis, there’s no way to ever really be sure they’re not organ traffickers - hell, I’m sure Kimmel fenced a kidney or two when he was starting out - but I can give you at least a strong 80% certainty that these guys are the real deal,” he said, “I spoke to the host for a little while, uh, Julie! She seems nice, you know, a personality. I’m sure you two will get along just fine.”

“You said the exact same thing about that Fairweather woman, but that fell through, too. How do I know this is gonna be any different to that?”

“Oh, come on, Trav, that’s not fair. You know the Fairweather thing couldn’t be helped. Besides, it was ten years ago. This? This is now, and now I’ve got this offer on the table for you and you only. Do you think I would have called if I thought this was just gonna be bullshit? Hell no. So, what’ll it be, buddy, you in or you out?”

I gave a reluctant sigh, before finally saying, “fuck it, why not. Sign me up.”

“Great! I’m so glad you said that, Travis, because truth be told I’d already said yes on your behalf.”

“Jesus Christ, Sean.”

“What? It’s my job to make decisions in the best interests of your career, even if you don’t. I’ll keep in touch and feed you the details in the next couple days. It’s shaping up to be a real happy Halloween, Mr. Norton.”

“Don’t push it. Speak to you later, Sean.”

“Later.”

He hung up after that, and I was left with nothing but silence and my thoughts.

The Red Weekend. It’d been a while since I’d heard that name, and that was no accident. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that it was the movie that destroyed my credibility, and my acting career, so just thinking about it made my blood boil. Plot-wise, it was nothing special. Just a derivative 1985 monster movie cashing in on the slasher formula that was so popular at the time, with a few stolen shades of “Creature from The Black Lagoon.” A bunch of hapless teenagers decided to spend a weekend in a cabin on the edge of a lake, only to have their fun spoiled by a creature rising up and slaughtering all of them except one - who then goes on to turn the tables and slay the monster, avenging the fallen. Simple, cheap, and cheesy.

I played the creature from the lake, affectionately dubbed by the cast, crew, and all five-or-so fans of the movie as “The Bog Man.” If I took the role today (which, by the way, I wouldn’t) I’d have gone uncredited and collected my pay check, before moving on with my life. But I was star-struck, by the one person on the production team with what you might call genuine prestige.

Richard Upton Pavlović, the most iconic special effects artist you’ve never heard of. All the greats - Savini, Baker, Rambaldi, and a laundry list of others - all studied under Pavlović at one time or another, since he immigrated from Croatia in the forties. But he was a famously private man: nobody outside the business had ever heard of him; he was one of B-cinema’s best kept secrets. While the number of special effects artists who’d studied under him was vast, he only chose to work on a handful of different films personally: one of which, for reasons I doubt I’ll ever understand, was The Red Weekend.

The reason I took the role, and the reason I chose to be credited, was that in playing The Bog Man I’d be working one-on-one with Pavlović in the makeup room. It was my only chance to really interact with a living legend, before his death from a sudden heart attack back in 2007. Pavlović was a man with extraordinary vision. His one condition for working on a project was full creative control over creature designs, because he needed to be unstifled to truly work his magic. And it was magic: he could string together blood and gore with the best of them, sure, but when it came to monster design, Pavlović was the master.

When I met him in person for the first time, in a makeup trailer during a bitterly cold day in September, I was surprised by how small he was. Pavlović was a squat, wiry man with a silver horseshoe of hair and thick half-moon spectacles, looking like a cartoon shrew from a mid-30s Disney short. His design for The Bog Man was assembled in a thick stack of papers he carried in the crook of his arm, and started pinning around the makeup chair I was sitting on.

“Have you been under heavy prosthetics before?” He asked, with a soft, frail voice that still carried the echoes of a Croatian accent.

“No,” I said, “but I’m open to new experiences.”

Pavlović gave a quiet, good-hearted chuckle at my naïveté and continued pinning up his pictures. They were all hand-drawn pencil illustrations, some of parts of the creature, others of the entire thing. It was a huge amphibian, a little bigger than a human, with features somewhere between an axolotl and a triceratops, with the addition of a long, whipping tail. It was a hunched, slimy, pot-bellied creature with green skin and long arms ending in six thick claws. There was a strangely childlike nature to its head: wide and flat, largely smooth and featureless, with beady black eyes and three horns sprouting from either side of its head. In the illustrations with its mouth closed, it seemed more like a frog, with its lipless gob stretching from one set of horns to the other. When the mouth was open, it reminded me more of a shark, with multiple rows of switchblade fangs.

“What is this thing? I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

“It is Rugoba,” Pavlović replied, gravely, “haunter of shadows, devourer of man.”

“Did you draw all these yourself?” I asked, “the detail is incredible.”

“Some I drew, yes,” he said, unpacking his equipment now, “others I inherited, from family members back in the old country. Creatures in the movies these days, they’re too tacky, too homogenised. I like to draw inspiration from older sources. It looks better, don’t you agree?”

I nodded in agreement, not knowing what else to do.

What followed was nothing short of gruelling. Seven hours in the makeup chair every morning and every night, and layer after layer of paint, putty, latex, slime, and false skin was packed onto me, until I felt like I’d been shrink-wrapped. Pavlović was a perfectionist, and I can’t imagine anyone ever felt that better than me. The head was a mixture of latex and animatronics that I wore like a helmet, with extremely limited visibility. My hands and feet were bound and fitted with claws, and a multi-jointed wire wrapped in latex became my whipping tail, that moved of its own accord.

For all the layers they’d packed onto me, it didn’t do anything to insulate. During the shoot - a lot of which I spent emerging from water and chasing down drunk, horny morons - it was a miracle I never came down with hypothermia. Day after day after day in Pavlović’s makeup chamber of horrors, all for a film I knew nobody was going to see. It was only when I got the chance to see the first proper cut of the film that I started to truly understand all the mythos behind Pavlović’s supposed mad genius: when I watched the film, waiting to see myself in a hokey monster costume, prancing through the woods, I never got what I wanted. When I was on screen, there was no recognising me, because I was not there. It was only the Rugoba, as if it’d been ripped straight from Pavlović’s nightmares and spat onto the screen, hunting its prey.

I remembered performing all the actions I’d see on screen, but I couldn’t - no matter how hard I tried - see myself doing it. Pavlović had turned me into his monster, and he’d done it flawlessly. The movie, as anticipated, was hot garbage, with plotting and characters as thin as wet toilet paper, unbearable dialogue, and thoroughly incompetent cinematography. But the Rugoba? That, I think I can say without a doubt, was the greatest, most realistic monster to ever grace the silver screen.

However, there was another element of the Pavlović legend which made him a little less desirable to work with. Actors, in one regard, are a lot like football players: they’re a superstitious bunch. The little superstition that Richard Pavlović carried around his neck was that he was cursed: any film he chose to work on was doomed to fail, and if you were unlucky, that failure would spread its tendrils out to the cast and crew as well.

Ian Barker, one of my co-stars, once told me in confidence that he felt the whole production just reeked of doom to him, like some invisible axe was hanging over all of our heads, just waiting for the right moment to drop. Thanks to being in full Rugoba makeup for almost my entire time on set, not many of the cast interacted with me - I was the amphibian social leper - but Ian was different. He was at least someone I felt like I could talk to, even if most of what we discussed was Pavlović’s curse.

To me, it was all stupid, baseless hokum, but towards the end of the shoot, I started getting worried. Maybe it was the fear that rattled me, but after The Red Weekend, I never nailed another audition: not for movies, not for TV, not for Broadway. Sean netted me a few commercials after that, but for all intents and purposes, my serious acting career was kaput. Looking back, I probably never had the nerve for stardom anyway, but just thinking about that movie had the power to leave a sour taste in my mouth.

And this Julie Forrester wanted me to talk about it on live TV. Part of me, honestly, was afraid of what I’d say, under pressure, and under the intensity of all those studio lights. My best guess for what they were trying to do was a Halloween retrospective on the life and work of Richard Pavlović, monster movie maestro, and seeing as I was the last actor to officially work with him, my experiences held some weight.

In the end, if I could take home fifteen grand for a talk show appearance a couple decades after my fifteen minutes of mild fame were up, who was I to complain?

Sean got back to me a few days later, saying a chauffeur paid by the studio would be taking me from my bungalow on the edge of L.A. to the studio. It all felt a little much, considering my credentials, but Sean just encouraged me to put my feet up and enjoy it. After all, I didn’t know when I’d get another experience like this, if I ever did. Might as well soak it in while I still could.

It was about eight at night, and trick-or-treaters were already prowling the streets, when a black BMW parked in front of my home and dimmed the lights. It felt less like a talk show valet and more like a mafia hitman, but I walked up to the car nonetheless, and the driver rolled down the window. It was a woman who looked to be in her mid-forties, wearing a classic chauffeur hat and a wide, inviting grin.

“You Travis Norton?” She asked.

I nodded.

“Hop on in, Sir. I’m Mary, I’m gonna drive you down to the studio.”

The car was comfortable, and there was a small bottle of champagne in a little icebox on the seat next to me, with a smiling jack-o-lantern painted onto it. The temptation was there, but I didn’t touch it - probably wasn’t wise to get loaded before a TV interview. Once I was belted up, Mary fired up the ignition and drove.

“Everything okay back there, Mr. Norton?” Mary said.

“Oh yeah,” I replied, “it’s wonderful. I feel bad for making you come out, I could have driven down myself.”

Mary laughed to herself in the front seat.

“Nonsense, Mr. Norton,” she said, “I’m honoured to have you in my car. I never thought that I’d be in the company of the star of The Red Weekend. If it’s not too unprofessional of me to ask, would I be able to have your autograph when we arrive? I’d just like to show my kids.”

“You let your kids watch The Red Weekend?” I asked, remembering its plethora of gory death scenes.

“Are you kidding?” Mary said with another hearty laugh, “it’s their favourite movie. They’re crazy for it.”

For the rest of the journey, I remained largely silent. Mary seemed nice at face value, but the more you spoke to her, the more you realised something was off about her. But it wasn’t just Mary that was a little odd: the car, upon closer, more sustained inspection, was strange too. The back windows were so tinted you could barely see out of them, and before I knew it, I was hopelessly lost. I’d lived in L.A. for most of my adult life, but the neighbourhoods Mary was driving us through felt totally alien to me.

The studio was like an anthill, pulsing with life, and dotted with more rictus pumpkins. Assistants and stagehands shuffled to and fro in steady streams, the pumping lifeblood of the whole big, complicated affair, as Mary pulled us into the parking lot. I got out of the car, gave a small, reluctant autograph in her pocket book - dedicated to her kids, of course - before being ushered away by another little detachment of stagehands. The place seemed to run with almost military efficiency, with everyone around me constantly checking their watches before moving at a quickened pace.

It was this aspect of a life in show-business that I never missed.

“Mr. Norton,” said a shrewd-looking studio rep who’d materialised from a crowd of scurrying assistants - he’d never be on camera, but his suit looked far nicer than mine, “I’m Michael. Splendid to see you accepted our offer. Please, follow me, I’ll see to it that you get to Miss Forrester.”

Ten years out of the media, and here, I was a babe in the woods. I blindly followed Michael further into the bowels of the studio, away from packed crowds of excited guests being corralled into queues. Most had won contests to be here, and the rest had probably paid their way in. They’d be the ones watching me, reminding me that I was being watched, not just by them, but by millions of others who’d all tune in to a show I’d never even heard of. It’d been a strange and eventful Halloween.

Before I knew it, in the haze of yelling directors and baking studio lights, I was backstage. They ushered me into a makeup room, where I was given the most minimal makeup job I’d ever seen, even more so considering my work on The Red Weekend for comparison. I was about half way through deciding whether it was a compliment when the door opened behind me, and a strange, kinetic energy seemed to fill the room, as though someone had just turned on a generator.

“Travis Norton,” said a shrill, excited voice coming from a shape I could only just catch in the corner of my mirror, “you have no idea how long I’ve waited for this. I feel like I need someone to pinch me.”

Julie Forrester, like most television hosts, was a font of untapped energy, constantly bubbling beneath the surface. She was a little shorter than me at about 5"8, decked out in a tasteful grey suit, with a broad smile that seemed to flash the majority of her paper-white, perfectly-aligned teeth. She’d been prepped and polished by countless stylists and makeup artists, because I couldn’t for the life of me tell you how old she was - you could peg me as a middle-aged bum at a glance, but Julie seemed to stand outside age, just looking in and smiling at the rest of us. Her hair - black, silky - was cut fashionably short.

“Hey Julie,” I said, with the awkward, feigned familiarity of meeting TV personalities, “thanks so much for having me on. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity.”

She gave an excited little squeak, like a teenager at a boyband concert. This was all feeling more and more like a big, sinister practical joke. Trick or god damn treat.

“Hearing you say my name is so surreal,” she said with a laugh - no, a giggle, “young me would have exploded at just the thought of it. You should know, I don’t normally do this, but with you I just couldn’t resist. You’ve been a hard man to track down, you know? Extraordinarily private, for a celebrity of your stature.”

I laughed back, acting like I was in on the gag.

“Yeah, well,” I said, “I have always been pretty low-key.”

“Are you a fan of the show?” She asked, clearly hoping the answer was yes. Julie reminded me of the kid in class who was always trying to impress the teacher - searching for some kind of validation from someone she perceived as an authority figure. You don’t get into this line of work unless validation is part of what drives you.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I thought about lying, about humouring her. It was only when I realised there might be a follow-up question that I decided to give her my slightly-sanitised version of the truth.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “but I don’t really watch much TV. But Sean, my agent, he told me this show was excellent, so I jumped at the chance to be a guest.”

Julie’s face fell slightly, as though my words had wounded her, but she stayed positive. Outwardly, at least.

“In that case, Travis, you are in for a real treat tonight,” she said, “I’ve got some great questions lined up, there’ll be a brief Q&A with some audience members - don’t worry, it’s all screened, so there won’t be any curveballs - and we’ll have a few fun little segments mixed in to break stuff up. Is this your first time doing a live TV interview? My researchers couldn’t find much footage of you online.”

“No, uh, this is my first time. I’m a little nervous, actually.”

She gave a friendly, comforting chuckle and patted me on the shoulder.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be just fine. You can pretend it’s only you and me, if that helps, but everyone out there loves you, Travis. They’ll be hanging off your every word.”

“I never knew The Red Weekend had such an ardent fanbase.” I said, trying to play off all the uncomfortable praise that seemed to be bombarding me from every angle.

Julie laughed again, as though I’d said something funny and missed it.

“Don’t be so modest, Travis, everyone remembers their first time watching The Red Weekend, it’s a rite of passage,” she said, walking towards the door, “if you need to do any last-minute psyching yourself up, now’s the time. You’ll be on in ten.”

The sudden, strange realness of it all hit me like a haymaker as Julie closed the door behind her. What the hell was I doing? I wasn’t an actor, not anymore, I designed logos for small businesses and occasionally made a poster or two. The freakish contrast between the world I’d known for the last two decades and the world I was being pulled back into was jarring. It barely felt like I had time to blink, when Michael, the rep, was knocking on the dressing room door.

“We’re ready for you now, Mr. Norton, do come out and join me. Recording will begin soon.”

I gulped down my final misgivings like cheap scotch, and gave a long sigh. It was now or never, but truth be told, even for fifteen grand, “never” was looking more attractive.

The set was, in a word, generic. A large red couch sat across from a wide desk, bearing the title “MIDNIGHT RENDEZVOUS” in large but tasteful lettering. The background was the standard plywood fare covered in a large facsimile of the L.A. Skyline up in lights. Julie sat at her desk, beaming, while a skinny warmup comedian stood centre stage, making anodyne jokes about West Hollywood traffic to the softly-laughing studio audience. They sat in near-darkness, compared to the bleached whiteness of the set, but the longer you looked at them, the more you could make out all their shapes.

I took a seat across from Julie, not wanting to upstage the comedian, but the second I entered the view of the audience I felt a hundred pairs of eyes pierce me. For whatever reason, I was the centre of attention.

“This will be over soon, and we’ll get started,” Julie said with a wink, “this might be my most anticipated episode. No pressure, though, you’re gonna nail it.”

The warmup comedian was finishing his set, his brow now dotted with glistening beads of sweat, like the damp patches glaring through his cheap suit. None of his stuff was particularly funny - all broad observations and reheated takes, the TV dinner of comedy. Most of all, he just seemed surprised and giddy to be there.

“Thank you!” He said, “you’ve been a wonderful audience, but now I’m gonna hand you over to Julie and Travis, who I hear have got an excellent show for you tonight! Have a happy and safe Halloween, guys!”

He laughed as the crowd cheered, and then started to head for the exit, when Julie called to him.

“Josh!” She called, “you did a great job, really awesome stuff. Would you mind sticking around a few minutes longer? There’s a few last little things we need to do.”

Josh nodded politely and returned to centre stage, delivering a few more inoffensive little quips to the crowd, and receiving small bouts of friendly laughter in return. I didn’t notice at first, but Michael the rep had appeared at Julie’s side, and I caught the tail end of their conversation.

“Is the perimeter secure?” She asked him.

“Yes, ma'am,” he replied, “we should be all good to go, when you’re ready.”

She nodded, and Michael disappeared backstage. Seeming to just arbitrarily come and go was Michael’s whole thing, I gathered, but before I could think about it any longer, Julie stood up and joined Josh, centre stage.

“It’s looking like we have a beautiful audience tonight!” She said, with the practiced, theatrical flair of someone who’d said this a million times, “and how appropriate, because I think tonight we may have my favourite guest of all time. Do I even have to say his name, folks?”

There was a cheer from the crowd. I gave an awkward smile, and Josh just stood there dumbly, next to Julie.

“I have been informed by the producers that all the perimeters are secure now,” she said, “so, with that in mind, it’s time to change.”

It happened so quickly, but it felt like it took a million years. The hue of Julie’s skin began to change from a pale pink to a deep, murky green, as her shape began to shift, bloat, and elongate. But, it wasn’t just Julie: the camera men, the stagehands, and the audience began changing too, all slowly warping themselves out of humanity and into something else entirely. Six claws, those big amphibian faces, those long, whipping tails and terrible jaws full of thousands of teeth.

If I wasn’t almost entirely sure it was all fake to begin with, I would have screamed until my lungs burned up into prunes in my chest cavity, but as it was I couldn’t summon a single sound. The host, the crew, the studio audience: they weren’t human, not even close. They were Pavlović’s monster. They were the Rugoba.

All of them except Josh, who stood next to the seven-foot-tall monster that Julie had become - still somehow wearing that sleek grey suit over her freakish new body. He was quaking in terror, only letting out occasional whimpers of fear. Both were standing in front of me, so I couldn’t get a good look at their faces, but beyond them I saw a legion of grinning Rugoba filling the stands. All here to see me.

“But, before we get this show on the road,” Julie said, her voice startlingly similar to when she still seemed human, “some free concessions for the first few rows. Remember to share!”

With a huge, clawed hand, Julie gave the quaking Josh a push. He pitched forwards, screaming, into the midst of the studio audience, and they set upon him in an instant with claws and teeth. Ripping, tearing, devouring. Those panicked yells soon just become bloody gurgles, and then nothing but the sounds of feasting, and of Julie’s laughter. When Josh’s head came away from what was left of his body, several Rugoba seemed to fight over its contents.

Had I not have been desensitised by spending my young adult years working in crappy, exploitative horror movies, I’d have thrown up. Instead, I just sat and watched, feeling like someone was taking a weed whacker to my soul. Human beings weren’t meant to witness things like this, and now, I was the only one here.

“Settle down, folks,” Julie said with a good-natured chuckle, “we’ll have more snacks distributed throughout the show. Everyone ready to begin? If you are, give me a big cheer!”

And she got one. The creatures that’d eaten a man alive a few seconds before just took their places, all looking as excited as their inhuman faces seemed to allow. The better part of me knew that I should have tried to run - I wasn’t paralysed by fear or anything like that, no, I just knew that if they were eating Josh but sparing me, there had to be a reason.

A Rugoba director, wearing an abnormally large headset to fit around his horns, called lights, camera, action.

What I assumed must have been the theme tune began to play, as Julie turned to me, a look of confusion spread against her wide, froglike face.

“Why haven’t you changed, Travis?” She asked.

That’s when it all hit me: why I was here, what all this was about. Pavlović - that mad, genius son of a bitch - his makeup job wasn’t just good, it was utterly flawless, a perfect representation of a creature his family always knew truly existed. The costume was so good, it even fooled Julie and the others. For all these years, they genuinely thought I was one of them.

“I can’t.” I said, without thinking.

“Why?” She asked in a harsh whisper.

I could tell the theme song was drawing to a close, and I needed to spin good enough bullshit to not get eaten by a talk show host. It wasn’t my best work, in hindsight, but what I said was:

“I’m a method actor, and I’m playing a human in my next role. I don’t want to compromise the integrity of the character.”

What I expected was getting a face full of gnashing monster teeth, but no, Julie just laughed and smiled at me. As the theme song played its last few notes, I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing she’d bought it. And with the audience’s undivided attention, Julie began her little monologue.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome to the good people at home! You know me, I’m Julie Forrester, and this is Midnight Rendezvous - the most popular talk show on Rugoba TV!” She said, before presenting her middle claw to the camera, “so pogo on that, Morning Chitchat. And boy, do we have a special guest for you tonight, folks, a guest quite unlike any other. You know him, you love him, it’s the one and only Mr. Travis Norton!”

The studio audience exploded into deafening cheers and applause, like none I’d ever heard in my lifetime. The response was so overwhelming, I nearly forgot I’d just seen them all eat an innocent man alive.

Julie walked back and squeezed herself behind the desk, making it look comically child-sized now.

“Now, Travis, I’m thrilled to have you on.” She said, leaving a pause for me.

“I’m thrilled to be on,” I said, my voice quivering, “sorry, I’m not used to all this attention. It’s a little overwhelming.”

She laughed again, and said, “now, in many ways, you’re a guest that needs no introduction - but I’m gonna introduce you anyway, because that’s how I make my living.”

The crowd laughed, and I decided to join in. Slime was dripping in liberal dollops from Julie’s massive jaws, coating the top of the desk. It’s a miracle I didn’t relieve my bowels just looking at her.

“I know I’ve been a fan of you for a long, long time, Travis. Having a Rugoba celebrity on the show is nothing new, of course, we’ve had plenty here: Björk, Kanye West, Ryan Reynolds…but Travis, you, to this day, are the only Rugoba in living memory who’s had the guts to show their true form on film,” she said, a genuine note of pride in her voice, “and I think that deserves another round of applause, don’t you, folks?”

More applause, and I forced a smile. It was becoming clear to me that this whole thing was just a tightrope act: I was a folk hero to them for now, but the second they realised I wasn’t one of them, I’d be devoured, just like Josh. In that moment, I wished that Richard Upton Pavlović was alive again, so I could have a go at beating him to death myself.

“If you’re wondering why Travis is looking so tasty tonight, folks, it’s because - and this is a Midnight Rendezvous exclusive - he’s going to be starring in a new movie soon. How exciting?” Julie said, playing up every word for the eager crowd of monsters just beyond the edge of the set, “he’s a method actor, so he’s trying to stay in character. Can you tell us a little about the film, Travis?”

Great. I was on the spot again, one lie leading to another. A good piece of advice to take to heart is that when you’re already in a hole, it’s best to stop digging, but I was already half way to China.

“It’s called Mirrors: Reflecting,” I said, completely pulling it out of my ass, “it’s a comedy-drama about a has-been actor who ends up getting way in over his head in a situation he doesn’t understand. It’s in pre-production.”

“Oooooh,” Julie said, “sounds exciting. Now, I’ll start with the question I think we’ve all been thinking since we first saw The Red Weekend: how did you find the willpower to never eat any of your co-stars?”

The general rule seemed to be that anything I found morally repugnant would get a big laugh out of the crowd. The Rugoba sense of humour seemed to be mainly based around terrible things happening to humans, so I chose my words as carefully as I could, given the circumstances.

“It’s, uh, it’s all about self-control,” I said, “you’ve just gotta tell yourself to stay in the professional zone, and that you can’t eat any of them, because it’ll, uh, compromise the production.”

“God,” Julie said, “check out this guy here, making me feel like a slob. You’ve gotta give me the number of your dietician after this, Trav. I ate mine last week.”

I laughed out of politeness, but I genuinely wasn’t sure whether it was a joke or not. For my own sanity, I chose to believe the former. The crowd found it hilarious, either way.

“Did any of your co-stars know the truth? You know, about who you really are?” She asked.

“No,” I cut in, worrying that revealing the truth would be a secret death sentence, “those dumb humans believed it was all just makeup. You know what people are like, easy to trick.”

Julie slammed a claw down on the slimy desktop and gave an over-the-top laugh.

“So true, Travis, so true!” She cackled, “in fact, half of the folks at home are probably enjoying a trick or treater as we speak. Halloween, what a holiday, it’s like getting free home delivery - and they bring your dessert in a bag with them! So considerate - who says humans aren’t good for anything?”

How many of these things were there? How many facets of society had they invaded, if they had their own TV shows? Sean said this show went out live to millions of viewers, and surely not all of them would be watching. There must have been Rugoba everywhere.

“Now, a couple more serious questions, before we get to the fun stuff,” she said, licking the slobber off her fangs with a long, purple tongue, “your filmography has some strange gaps. You get plenty of work in the eighties, and a little going into the nineties, but then a huge episode of silence until now. Why the return to film?”

It probably shouldn’t have rattled me, given what was going on, but it did. Somehow, the fear of failure ran even deeper than the fear of monsters, and Julie had opened the floodgates.

“It’s not been for lack of trying,” I said with a laugh that undermined my sadness, “it’s hard to make a good living as an actor. Unless you’re an A-lister, chances are you’ve probably got a second job on the side to make ends meet while you try to live out your dreams. I’m a graphic designer in my spare time. Just lately, I got lucky, and was offered another big break. It wasn’t what I expected, but I’m trying to play it out as best I can.”

The crowd gave a sympathetic “awwww” that felt good in spite of them being a horde of carnivorous beasts. Julie seemed similarly sympathetic, looking at me with those big, black shark-eyes that somehow communicated a warm depth of compassion you couldn’t imagine coming from a creature like her.

“Well,” she said, trying to reclaim the room, “I’m sure I speak for everyone in this room when I say that we’re glad you’re getting work again, Travis, you’re a talent like no other. That’s why I thought I’d get you a fun little Halloween treat.”

All the lights around us began to dim, as several excited “oooooohs” issues forth from the crowd. I could hear sudden movement backstage, and the scraping of metal against metal.

“But,” Julie said with glee, standing up from her desk and trotting to centre stage, “one person’s treat is another person’s trick, quid pro quo, that’s the way the world goes. Travis isn’t the only special guest we’ve got tonight, courtesy of some fine work from our producers.”

A group of Rugoba in dark uniforms dragged a huddled, chained figure onto the stage. He’d been either beaten or drugged, but whatever the case, the guy was totally out of it. Half-naked, covered in scratches where his handlers had been too rough. It’d been so long, but after a moment or two, I recognised who it was.

Ian Barker, my old Red Weekend co-star.

“As you all know,” Julie said, addressing the crowd, “the one blemish marring the perfection of The Red Weekend is the downer ending. The rest of it is such an uplifting story of Rugoba conquering and devouring humankind, as nature intended, until the character played by our new guest Ian Barker here slays our champion!”

The crowd entered a state of vicious booing, all directed at Ian, who was too dazed to even respond. He remained on his knees, with a heavy metal collar bound around his neck.

“But, today, as a Midnight Rendezvous Halloween special, we’re going to right that wrong, folks!” She said with a laugh of shrill, sadistic excitement, “our dear friend of the show, Travis Norton, will devour Ian Barker live for you and the folks at home, and all the wrongs will be right again. Is everyone excited?”

As the volume of the cheering went up, my heart sank. Before I could even think to stop myself, or formulate a plan, I was up on my feet and charging towards Julie with an excuse.

“Julie, you don’t understand,” I pleaded, “I have to stay in character, I need to seem human.”

Julie scoffed and shook her head - more for the audience than me.

“What? Humans eat other humans all the time! Jeffrey Dahmer, Andrei Chikatilo, and a whole bunch of others,” she said, “you don’t even need to change back. The producers got you this handy little tool.”

A fourteen-pound framing hammer was forced into my hands, crushing my last attempt at an excuse. Everyone but Ian was looking at me, as I stood there with the hammer, all grinning and egging me on with their eyes.

“You only have to eat some of the brains, it’s the best part anyway,” Julie said, “I’d hate to break you too far from character.”

Then the chanting began: kill, kill, kill. I don’t know who started it, but now there was no stopping it, not until I’d made up my mind. I gripped the hammer, hard, and looked at the back of Ian’s head. If I fessed up, and told the truth, would they kill him and me anyway? Did it make more sense to just kill him and get it over with, then try to live with the guilt afterwards?

Maybe it did make more sense. But that’s not what I did.

“Stop! I yelled, the hammer clattering to the ground, "and please listen!”

The room fell silent, and Julie started looking at me like she knew something terrible was about to happen.

“I have a confession,” I said, “you’re not gonna like it, but you have to listen to me, and hear me out. I’m not one of you, okay? I’m not a Rugoba. I’m a human being, it was all a big god damn lie.”

Julie stared at me, devastated, and said “wait, Travis, what do you mean? The Red Weekend…”

“The Red Weekend is a shitty movie that ruined my life!” I blurted out without thinking, “it was all special effects makeup, none of it was real. The guy just knew about you, somehow, and you’re what he based his design on. I was never a Rugoba. I’m sorry for misleading you all like this, it’s just a huge misunderstanding.”

In an instant, the crowd devolved from low, worried murmurs to riotous shouting. Julie tried in vain to comfort the yelling crowd, to stop them baying for my blood, but it was too late. I’d taken one of their greatest living legends, and torn it apart in front of them. I’d gone from being a hero to the devil himself.

Running was the first thing on my mind, but before the thought even properly formed, something had struck the back of my head - and everything went black.

***

When I finally came to, I was staring out of thick, iron bars into the furious amphibian face of Julie Forrester. The room was dark, so I could barely see beyond her, staring into the cage and mugging at me. She’d lost her grey suit, and was wearing a white outfit with a skirt instead, her whipping tail protruding from the back, lashing at the air.

“I bet you feel really clever right now, Travis, well done,” she said, her voice devoid of the lightness and humour I’d known it for, “you made me look like an absolute clown on my own show. I trusted you, I invited you on, and you just humiliated me.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, my thoughts still returning in brief snatches, “I really am, Julie, I didn’t mean for it to happen like that. Aside from the whole ‘eating humans’ thing, I like you as a person. I wouldn’t want your credibility to take a hit.”

She ran her claws across the bars of the cage, and shook her head.

“Too little, too late, I’m afraid,” she said, “but you can still make it up to me, in other ways.”

“I want to, Julie, I really do.”

Julie pulled back from the bars a little and seemed to pace around the cage, her footsteps heavy and wet, but as regular as the ticking of a clock’s pendulum. It’d drive you mad if you listened for long enough.

“What you said earlier about the entertainment industry is true, Travis, even if the rest was all lies,” she said, her tone gravely seriously, “if you want to make a good living, one job won’t cut it. You need to be a real polymath to put bread on the table. Thankfully, I’m a Rugoba of all trades: Midnight Rendezvous is just one of the shows I host.”

“What’s the other one?” I asked, out of morbid curiosity.

She stopped, pressed her terrible amphibian face against the bars, and grinned.

“You’ll see,” she said, “you’ll see real soon, Travis. I’m gonna make you into something so much better…”

As Julie started to walk away from the cage, one by one the studio lights began to turn back on, cracking into life. The couch and L.A. backdrop was replaced by a homely-looking kitchen, fitted with a gorgeous array of utensils and hardware. Julie produced from the front pocket of the white apron she was wearing a long and magnificent chef’s hat, and placed it onto her huge, slimy head.

The words “COOKING WITH JULIE!” were emblazoned across the front of her kitchen unit.

My fear had already passed, all that remained now was that kind of dissonant, slaughterhouse calm that sets in when you already know you’re finished. All that’s left to do is wait. But, I took a strange comfort in knowing that this Halloween night The Red Weekend would finally be coming to an end.

I closed my eyes and exhaled, as the director called “lights, camera, action.”

[mayamatiln]

i don't know if you have done something like this before but who are your favorite degrassi characters of all time and why?

I love this question! So much because I get to talk about all my favs. Also this may get kinda long… sorry…

Johnny DiMarco - All. Time. Favorite. Ever. Haha kinda random right? He is the embodiment of character development. He was introduced as a bully and the guy who watched JT get killed and almost everyone hated him. It isnt until Bust a Move when I saw him at the Red Pines camp with Darcy that I realized that even one of the most hated characters on the show at the time was in fact very human and just a teenager. Throughout season 8 and 9 we see him fall in love with Alli because for once in his life someone actually seems to really care about him and thinks he is better than the asshole that he acts like at school. But still he makes mistakes and loses her but he comes out of it a better person than he was before. When we see him in season 10 at college he has finally matured into the nice man that I saw underneath way back in season 7 and I am so proud of everything he became. I could literally talk for days about my love for him but I won’t.

Cam Saunders - My sweet sweet sad puppy. Too good and pure for this world. I have never fallen for a character as fast as I have for Cam (literally I knew he was my favorite character by just watching the Bite Your Tongue promo). He just wanted to be happy but he just didnt know how to get help. His smile was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen. And his relationship with Maya was so cute. Dylan Everett did a fantastic job portraying him and managed to leave such a huge impression on me after not even a full season on the show. 

Maya Matlin - She had such a beautiful and logical character arc. In her first few seasons I was pretty indifferent to her because she never really had a deep heart wrenching plot until Cam died. It was her experience with grief and anxiety and depression that drew me to her because she struggled with this mental illness that was triggered by Cam’s suicide for not just a few episodes after he died but for YEARS after. It became an essential part of her character that stayed with her all the way until DNC s4. Degrassi has rarely done an issue like that that spans over seasons but with Maya they did and it was handled so well. Also her drive and her dedication to chasing her dreams on being a musician is so inspiring to me. Her relationship with music was so lovely and it’s incredible that she never lost sight of her dream and the music always came back to her.

Sean Cameron - MY BOY. He has seriously been a favorite of mine since the very beginning. The “bad boy” with a heart of gold really is my type. He is so caring and kind and would do anything for the people he loves. He always felt like he was never good enough and watching him grow up and mature into such a responsible man makes me so proud. His relationship with Emma was a defining characteristic of the show and the way he loved her and became part of the Nelson-Simpson clan is one of my favorite things. He was so brave and loyal and even though he made mistakes he always owned up to them. I miss him everyone and would literally pay for them to bring him back for a guest spot because lets be real his final episode was total BS. 

Craig Manning - Craig was so complex! He was charming and handsome but from the moment he was introduced he had a lot of really hard stuff going on in his life. He struggled with an abusive parent and was diagnosed as bipolar and managed to make it in the music business only to then become addicted to cocaine. But still he managed to “make it through” and be all the better for it. He would do anything for his friends and family. God he is just so swoon worthy! 

Alli Bhandari - From her first moment on the show she stole my heart. Sassy and confident and smart. She was always such a great friend to Clare and Jenna. Even though she made A LOT of stupid mistakes over the years due to her immaturity and her naivety she grew up so much over the years and managed to make it into Cambridge to go study science. Her love of school and science I always related to and it was so refreshing to see such an outgoing confident beautiful girl who had guys chasing after her be seen as this smart intellectual. 

Zig Novak - He may be a fuck boy but he’s my fuck boy. Zig has always been a huge idiot with a heart of gold. That boy always loved with everything he had and when he crashed he crashed hard and somehow he always found a way to get up again. He has done a lot of stuff over the years that I didn’t necessarily agree with but after DNC S4 he developed into a man that I am proud of. He was always there for Maya when she was going through stuff and whenever she failed he was always there to help her pick up the pieces. After falling into a gang and being kicked out by his parents before Grade 10, he managed to turn out all right. Plus, have you seen those arms?!

Holly J Sinclair - Literal. Goals. Yeah she started out at the spawn of Satan and the Paige Michalchuk wannabe, but she grew into this confident and independent woman who would stop at nothing to achieve her goals. During s10 she sort of lost that spark that made her so iconic but season 9 Holly J was LEGENDARY. 

Emma Nelson - How could I not love the the girl who started it all? I love her so much because after growing up with Emma she practically feels like family to me. Her struggles were my struggles and her triumphs were mine. Yes I am still bitter about how badly they wrapped up her character. It was disrespectful and rude. But despite that I love Emma to death. I hope one day she leaves Spinner for Sean and manages to save all the endangered animals and dying rainforests. 

Lola Pacini - MY BEAUTIFUL BUBBLEGUM PRINCESS. To be honest in s14 I hated her. She was annoying and whiney and a waste of space. BUT Degrassi Next Class changed everything. Each season made me fall more and more in love with her. In seasons 1&2 she became the funny friend who did stupid stuff but you still adored. Her masturbation plot is, to this day, still one of my favorite plots of all time. In seasons 3&4 though we saw her go through some really serious stuff involving a lot of emotions and I was so proud of her for still having that sunshine like personality about her. She is a fantastic friend and beautiful soul. I would be so lucky to have a friend just like Lola. She inspires me to be the best kind of friend I could possibly be.